Well, my diagnosis fluctuates between being just dysthymic and having clinical depression with suicidal thoughts .
My upbringing wasn’t really the best when I was a child, hell, my parents didn't give two shits about me so I was raised by my grandma, and kids made fun of me and hit me, so I think at some point during my childhood something finally snapped inside my brain and I stopped feeling joy or enthusiasm for living.
I feel broken and useless, I always waited for the opportunity to finally kill myself but im just too scared of physical pain to do it.
I stoped taking my sertralin recently. I took 3 everyday for the last 3 years and nothing. The public health services in my country suck ass so really, the last time I talked with my useless therapist was half a year ago, and she had declared herself incompetent with my case at the time and wanted to redirect me to a psychiatrist.
I'm unemployed, I barely graduated like 4 years ago and I couldn't made it to university. Im still living with my parents. Recently my dad told me I was a horrible selfish person and my mom confesed that she never really wanted to have kids but she have one for the pressure. My dog is dying and my granny is growing too old and is already giving me tips about what to do in case I find her dead one day.
I hate myself, I barely eat yet im still being a gross fatass, im losing all my hair and I cant stop picking and cutting my skin to the point im full of gross brown scars.
Some days I just want to die, but im a coward so I keep pushing and see how horrible thinks can get before I finally decide on what to do. Im fucking useless.