Sorry for the incoming word vomit, I don't know where else to really talk about this. But years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, then bipolar 1, then schizoaffective disorder, and got doped up on all kinds of antipsychotics. They all had some horrible side effect that I couldn't deal with, like the tardive dyskensia, zombification, massive weight gain, nonstop sleeping, some didn't even make me stop hearing shit, and then Invega made me catatonic for 13 hours and horribly suicidal. My psych insisted I keep taking it, I refused, and she dumped me on the spot because I was "too high risk and difficult to work with." With my next psych, I was adamant I not be put on any more antipsychotics and so she put me on Lamictal (with the logic being that my psychosis wouldn't be as severe if my mood was more stable). I took the Lamictal for years, but then I stopped taking it because I didn't like the side effects, especially when I forgot a dose. I tapered off alone slowly, and honestly, I feel fine now, like really normal and well-adjusted and…good? It makes me wonder if I ever had anything wrong with me at all. I never really agreed with the schizoaffective diagnosis. Has anyone been misdiagnosed before/think it's possible? Maybe I'm just in denial because I want to be normal so badly. I just feel like all my symptoms had explanations, like chronic stress, sleep deprivation, not eating, an abusive
relationship, PTSD from childhood, and then-undiagnosed autism. I think maybe I am a bit "odd" and I am prone to strange thoughts, but I have learned which thoughts are normal/acceptable to share and which aren't, so I think it's okay as long as I keep them to myself. I also had long bouts of depression and then would suddenly feel fantasic and my thoughts were too fast for me and I had a million ideas at once, but I've been kind of baseline for awhile. I am just terrified that all my symptoms are going to come back, but it's been 6 months and I've been fine. I'm so worried I'm going to get complacent and try to move on with my life and then it's all going to go to shit and I'm going to humiliate myself by getting manic and babbling nonsense about my blood being poisoned again. I have nightmares about getting a job and trying to be normal then fucking it all up. I've also been really energetic lately and having more ideas and wanting to do things, but even that scares me. And it seems so miserable, like can't Post too long. Click here to view the full text.