More of a lame vent and self-reflection than active questioning sorry, I have nowhere else to get it off my chest. I’ve realised how much I just wanted validation. I wanted to feel worthy of being loved, worthy of normalcy especially after a childhood of almost entirely being shut in. Feeling so so separate from my peers in more ways than one. So when a moid falls for me, which is very often, I see the love in his eyes and feel like that’s what I’m supposed to have. I feel as though this is it, this is what I deserve. But I also dislike having to try to reciprocate. Before in my teens I never questioned why even though I said I liked guys I never wanted to get involved with them even when they “reciprocated”. But before becoming a full-time citizen of the outside world I went through questioning and observed that fact about myself consciously. Made me feel self-conscious. So I see that a moid looks like he’s head over heels for me, and in the case that he’s sweet or sensitive and I like his personality, I think I “should” want to be with him, I should but why don’t I want to? At the same time I like talking to him. I get confused, I become kind of OCD and act a different way to what would be natural to me. It ends up in me feeling frustrated, and usually ends up in a panic attack especially since I feel like I need to be reciprocating the lovey-dovey eyes or trying to replicate how I would be if I was in love with someone but I can’t bring myself to do it without feeling sick and/or snippish. At the same time I think about introducing him to my family and how happy they’d be about it. But I can’t spend much time with any kind of moid without getting pissed off eventually, no matter how nice the personality I’ve just never been fond of or felt particularly natural around their energy.
Interestingly this entire feeling, wanting to feel validated, worthy and normal, seems to require a certain type of moid I see as valuable - white (I am non-white), upper-middle class, intelligent or academic and clearly very fond of me. Appearance is nothing and I can’t tell moid attractiveness very easily, but I do consider them more valuable if other girls find them more valuable. Which brings me onto the topic of girls. To preface I am friends with this guy who fits the bill of what I’m describing right now. But I basically just can’t. He’s very very nice, and I got that weird compulsion thing around him, my stomach hurts really bad, and I think “I should be with this
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