Aw nona I really wish you all the best in life!
>Do you mind if I ask when you started seeing changes?
To tell the full-ish story I used to vent almost daily to friends about my depression, feeling alone and suicidal etc, they were of course as supportive as they could and it made me feel better in the moment. One of the places I'd vent in was a designated vent channel in a discord group, then one day someone even more miserable than me joined the group and she started venting there the way I had about the same kinds of things - just ramped up times ten! It made everyone else (myself included) noticably uncomfortable just how miserable they were, how no kind words truly reached them, and how they'd twist it all to be bad again and again. She and I both had legitimate reasons to complain, depression IS hard to cope with.
But it made me realize that's what I was doing too, just to a lesser degree. I could see this person wallow in self-pity and hatred and realized all it did was keeping herself and people around her miserable. Instead of trying to do literally anything she just complained and gave excuses to why she couldn't even try. It frankly made me embarrassed, both for her and for myself having done the same. Every day I had kept people worrying about me. And it felt good, and it helped me cope - but only short term and in the moment and at the expense of other's energy and happiness.
I sort of jokingly decided for myself that this woman had "taken my spot" as the most miserable person in the group from me, and that as long as she was around I wouldn't behave like her or vent about anything serious. I knew I complaiend too much, this was just an excuse to actually finally stop doing it. The first half year or so was REALLY tough. I wanted to vent and complain and break down again, but as I saw that person in there being miserable I begrudgingly stopped myself. I didn't want to end up like her! During this time my friends were delighted in seeing me get "better", since I had stopped venting like before. I wanted to tell them I was still just as depressed, that I just complained less. But it was nice knowing they were genuinely happy to see me "feel better". I think around the half year mark is when I started feeling like I didn't actually "need" to vent like before. It's like my brain finally caught on thPost too long. Click here to view the full text.