I relapsed recently too after months without and felt the same way actually. I was going to post about it actually, but then found other anons' posts. I only masturbated to "flush" my system (I've had painful cysts/cramps recently likely due to my endometriosis and was hoping it would somehow help), and I knew watching porn would make the process quicker.
I did not expect to get the feelings that I did when I went back to porn. I felt very strange. Porn made sex look like a disgusting act. When I use my imagination, I always imagine it to be loving, another way to be intimate…and it is always mutual between both parties. But, even the most "normal" porn seemed to be dehumanizing and humiliating for the woman. Like she was just a tool to be used for the male. She was being USED. She was only a body. I did not like this power dynamic that was being more obviously displayed in porn.
I had to remind myself that women are people too. That I am a person, with feelings. I am not an object. And sex does not have to be a humiliating act. It does not have to degrade. There are some scrotes that will want to use me for sex, yes, but I can avoid them. There are still those men that will only treat sex as a way to show me love and give me pleasure, and only if I wanted it, it would not be forced upon me.
I did not feel gross thinking of sex when it was my imagination, but the porn brought all of those feelings back. I feel like it connected my feelings to when I was a kid too, when I was exposed to porn too young, and was taught by it that the women were only objects being used for the male's pleasure. And how pained the women looked when they had sex…I used to think it was normal when I was younger, that that was how it was. I'm glad that I eventually found myself and learned that sex was for me too, and that I did not have to be hit or pretend to have gross fetishes or hurtful words thrown at me, for the sake of someone else. Porn really does skew your mindset and views. I ended the session with thinking of a scenario in my imagination again, and already felt better. I am not going back to it.