i've never had many friends, as my family moved way too much due to my retarded dad being unable to keep one job, and he always wanted to reinvent himself somewhere new. so, i don't think i learned how to properly socialize. my parents also didn't have that many friends, besides our relatives who we varyingly saw spread out across 3 countries. i got no model for how human relationships work.
my family spent time in ukraine, turkey (parents countries) and the usa (my birthplace,) and i was homeschooled for part of the times in the usa because we lived in a ghetto area but then i also just switched schools a lot. so i would definitely play with other kids when i was younger, however, i didn't really get close to them or see them outside of school because i didn't ever feel it was permanent or that i could get attached to one place. i just made up all these imaginary friends to entertain myself, and when i was like 12 i just started spending all my time on the internet and making friends online.
in high school i was painfully shy and i didnt really make an effort to talk to anybody. i probably seemed closed-off and rude, but i literally just didnt know how to start conversations with people. i used to wish people would come up to me and start talking to me, but i'd just be on my phone talking to my internet friends during the school day lmao. in university i hoped i'd make more friends and some people would invite me to do things at first, but it genuinely did not occur to my retarded ass that if i wanted to build friendships i had to talk to people actively and invite them to do things outside of just talking in class. i think a lot of people just thought i was uninterested as i never initiated anything, even though i always got excited when someone asked me to hang out, i just expected the other person to always do it.
i dated online as a teenager and had one cringe real life boyfriend because he was the first person to ever give me romantic attention in my life, but that lasted very shortly. i dont want a relationship tbh, i dont feel like im missing out on that. i do wish i had one or a few female best friends but thats just another thing i sort of daydream about because i dont think its logistically feasible without significant effort i dont care enough to put in lol
i feel like i do not think of other people that much and dont naturally feel lonely, because of this. like i said, i'd be really happy if someone asked me
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