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reminder that this is a thread for relationship problems and long distance is not a relationship
Damn, i wanted to correct anon and ended using a wrong term myself; online relationships is what I meant. Now it's too late but maybe next time we could have >>271193
in the thread description to redirect anyone who would need advice about these?
i think this is really common for hetero women and in addition to the not-my-nigel/finding the right guy thing, a lot of aspects of modern life stunt or dampen your sexual attraction and you don't even realize it until it's back. it doesn't have to be anything severe like effects of BC or antidepressants. things like a sedentary or almost sedentary lifestyle, being very cerebral in your work and interests, living in a very synthetic or restrictive environment, can all effect how you experience your sexual attraction. i think female horniness is on much more of a broad spectrum throughout or lives and cycles, in contrast with scrotes who act perma-horny in any context until they chemically or physically restrain their dicks lol.
getting a labor type job outdoors changed my sexuality in ways that really shocked me. it's not like i had never been in nature or exercised before, but the regularity and physicality of it seemed to awaken the aspects of my sexual attraction to men that i was unaware of or too shy to explore. it even made me turned on by the the way some dicks look and crave PIV sex for the first time
It was like I had been repressing my inner horny cavewoman and didn't even believe she existed until the environment and work I was in woke her up.
i think many, many women experience or have experienced a type of attraction to men that's kind of nebulous and detached from real life sex, and they think it means they're asexual/comphet when actually there's a whole hidden aspect to their sexuality that's been lying dormant for one reason or several.
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recently i found out that my boyfriend of 8 months is bisexual and has had multiple serious relationships with dudes. he lied to me about a lot of his past and i only found out from going through his discord (which is bad ik) he was a top and into twinky guys but i can’t help but feel really weird and insecure. he still follows some twinks on insta and likes their pics and it just makes me feel fucking shit especially considering i have always wished i was born a man since i was a child (thought i was a troon for a long while, but got over it). i also found his porn history a while ago and it was a lot of sissy stuff and trans stuff (no mtf but there was ftm) - after finding it i asked him to stop watching porn but he says that it’s difficult because of stress, i asked him the other day when the last time he watched it was and it was around 2 weeks ago so he definitely hasn’t stopped.
it makes me feel even worse knowing that the porn he is looking at is really close away from what i am physically. he’s also cheated before on one of his male partners with a woman, but he said it was because that he felt ashamed of being in a relationship with a guy so he wanted to sext a girl. i am just worried that i will never be enough for him and eventually he will look for sex from men.
The vaaast majority of straight women are repulsed by men which is perfectly normal and I believe your case is an isolated incident. My libido is practically non-existent now that I'm no longer a neet and regularly exercise. I don't even particularly care about hot boys, it was all just a way to spend my excessive free time. People (women) don't actually need to have sustained sex drives as we would reproduce regardless of what we wanted. Grandma would have 15 kids because grandpapi didn't give a fuck about her, and so on and so on. Women who feel "asexual" passed on their genes just as much as those who didn't. It's such a coin toss.
I believe the opposite of your experience is the norm (being indoors grooms you into arousal with artificial porn and going outside & seeing how ugly men are irl sterilizes you.)
NTA, but I think a big reason for this also comes down to the way that a lot of men treat sex. Men and women just look at sex differently imo, even women who go for casual tinder hookups don’t look down on their partners, they see it as consensual fun, but there’s always a lot of judgement or bragging from guys. It’s not perceived the same way. The fact that so many men will share revenge porn of their exes speaks for itself, it’s a very unattractive dynamic. Even if I were a super hetero, penis-loving woman, the way men treat the women they have sex with is enough to make me wanna become a nun. Yeah I know, not all men do this, but it’s widespread enough to be a problem. A lot of guys either don’t care about your pleasure or will straight up talk shit about you when they’ve gotten what they want. They see sex as bragging rights that they got to fuck you. Of course a lot of women are turned off by this, it’s gross. I’ve never had a female friend say “I fucked this guy that was [porn category]” but I’ve definitely heard it from male friends. It doesn’t surprise me at all that so many women think they are asexual when so many men have gross attitudes about sex.
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I confronted my bf on the fact that we never have sex and he confessed that he has no libido. He basically said he only really fucks me because he knows how much it means to me. I'm devastated and want to cry. I thought this was the man I was going to marry and start a family with. I don't know what to do. I love him so much but it makes me feel terrible about myself. I have never felt more unattractive and undesirable. He said he would get his blood and testosterone checked but I feel so hopeless.
What's his diet?
Does he take any drugs?
What's his job situation?
How much background stress he goes through?
How well he sleeps?
Does he workout?
There are lots of things that can pile up together to mute person's libido.
He works full time, does all the chores, cooks for me, and spends all of his free time with me. It's not like he's sitting at home wanking to gay furry hentai all day like I do.>>297770
Thanks nonna. You're right, by holding him accountable, I just meant checking in on him and reminding him. I know I can't force him but sometimes people need a push to get started. He's also encouraged me when I was putting off stuff too.
I work from home. I was poking fun at myself because people like to assume if your nigel dare needs help with anything he's jerking to porn all day or whatever.
But anyway, he doesn't want me to do the chores so he does them. Why should I help him in ways he doesn't want to be helped, rather than with something he actually needs help in? Why are you so mad? You have nothing better to do than call people losers instead of giving advice?
He does it because I once half-jokingly told him I didn't like doing chores, and when we moved in together he wanted to do them for me. He feels bad when he sees me doing them so he takes over. I'm not abusing him or pretending to be incompetent just to get him to do chores.
I regret asking for advice, can someone else volunteer to be roasted already?
Not roasting or saying this in a mean way but honestly… insist on taking on some chores. If he works, has a dissertation rn and is also doing all chores then that is a way to support him. Freeing up time. Taking one less thing off his plate.
I've had 2 very opposite live-in relationships. First with a guy who did too much at home and the other who did nothing. Ime even if one partner is willing.. its better to just evenly distrubute tasks if you're both working.
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I fucking love my bf. Perfect as any guy can get and thats saying something. 5+ years. But my bf and I have been long distance for like a year now. We don't fight much but every once in a while he says something genuinely annoying/rude and I tell him respectfully it upsets me. Its bound to happen once in a while and its fine. What is getting to me is the way he handles it. Today he sent me a moidy meme with a dad cradling his baby and jokingly had has elbow around its neck and the caption was "when my wife asks me to put the baby to sleep". For context have a running joke where we top each other with ways we're gonna "get" each other, like tom and jerry style. "Gonna fry you up and eat ya" or "im gonna roll you into a haybale" lol just random silly stuff- and I love it. But he said "I'm gonna put you to sleep like that, referring to the moidy meme. I didn't care for it and said to take it down a notch. He immediately got defensive and said I'm no fun. Well it has turned into a 2+ hour talk of how I should've handled the situation better, my part being expressing what I need from him better and not "shutting him down". Girls I couldn't have been any nicer after seeing that fucking picture. This seems to be a pattern and I'm getting really tired of it. All that was needed was an apology. I'm not going to be some pickme thats cool with violent jokes all the time. He hasn't apologized for any part but honest to god I just need to wrap it up for the day. Just that he appreciates me sharing my feelings. I think he feels defensive because he thinks im pinning him as violent or perverted, but I wouldn't be with him if I thought that. I'm just not going to tolerate moid jokes. I need to be allowed to set boundaries without it blowing up in my face. All that capped off with I'm moving in with him next week and I feel really pissy and not excited right now. He has his moments where he snaps to and realizes he's wrong so I'm hoping for it to happen when we get back together in person.
I really do love him and he is such a kind sweet person. I just don't understand why men are like this sometimes its not that complicated.
you're right, and I partially blame myself for letting him think I can laugh off anything. I didn't think you'd have to spell out why choking isn't funny but here we are
I think we're gonna have to have a long ass talk in person I'm just pissed off right now
I want to break up with my boyfriend and know that would make my life easier, however i keep pushing those thoughts down since im pretty sure it would be more of a messy breakup. We have been together for around two and half years, when we started dating i was in a really bad place mentally. This is the first ”serious” relationship for both of us. We are very different; different goals in life, priorities, upbringings. Im now doing a lot better and i feel like i have had a lot of personal growth past years, but he is okay with staying the same. I consider striving for personal growth important and started trying to talk to him about making lifestyle changes. More healthy food choices, other hobbies besides simply watching things and gaming. Whenever i try to discuss topics with him that are even a little bit more intellectual, he will zone out of the conversation and just show he doesn’t care. We are both young adults the same age, but lately i have been feeling like his mother at times. I really dont want to have that kind of dynamic with someone im in a relationship with. One thing i still struggle with is having pushover tendencies, despite trying to have more of a backbone. I know i want to break up but im scared of how that will go. I dont love him anymore, but i do feel attached and i guess just a strong sense of loyality since he did stick with me when i was very unstable. I keep making excuses and thinking ”well, perhaps he will realize how much of a manchild he is being and work on that” but i know that will most likely not happen. I feel stuck and like im sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of staying in this relationship. I know i should ”grow a spine”, but this is a hard situation for me.
If anyone has breakup experiences that sound even a bit similar to how i describe mine, i would really appreciate if you could share.
Asking him to not go out it’s super fair to him but maybe you can if you guys can schedule a weekend date night? Something that’s consistent and you can rely on so he can have both friend time and you time. We’re you the one who had to move? Finding some activities to do while he’s out with his friends will help you take your mind off of it as well as help yourself.>>297874
I was in your position about two years ago and ending things sooner rather than later is the only solution. It did not matter how much I tried to talk to him, we were just not good together. Sounds like you two don’t really have any baseline compatibility and trying to salvage something that only happened because you were in a bad state isn’t good for anyone involved. You will drag each other down the longer you draw things out. Break ups suck and are usually messy, it’s just how it is. Honestly even if it hurts now you will be doing yourself and him a favor by moving on and finding better matches.
I broke up with someone in my teens like that who was 23 (ew) who smoked weed all day and had little ambition, couldn't have tough discussions and I was very meek.
I know its so hard to think about leaving someone you are so attached to. But I promise you you don't want to regret another year spent wishing you had a partner who's at your level. Sit him down and tell him what you expect out of the relationship, not just for you but him- otherwise no one is doing any one any favors. You're the one leading the relationship- its time to rid yourself of the passivity and lay down your grievances. It's not your job to protect his feelings- its not the end of your life and you will have better, stronger relationships. Consider this a really tough practice for standing up for yourself. It will be tough, but you need to learn how to do it to have healthy discussions moving forward. I hope you have a gf who's there for you. All that capped off with a big bear hug. I think you know what you need to do.
ITA that wrote this post. I found out that he spent the weekend with a female friend from high school and stayed the weekend at her place the day after I wrote this. I asked him to make time to call me, and he said he couldn’t because he would be out with her all day and driving home late at night. Then, the next morning, he got up late for work and didn’t call me that morning, and the only time we get to call these days is weekday mornings.
Since then, I haven’t responded to his texts, but called him twice and he hasn’t picked up or responded yet. We haven’t gone a day without texting or talking since we met.
My natural inclination is to let him come to me to patch things up now, and if he doesn’t reach out, just let him be. Am I in the wrong here? Should I explain what made me upset before doing this? I feel like he knows that he’s been putting in less effort and pulling away, or he would have at least called me like usual by now.
>>298401>Long-distance relationship >Spent the weekend with a female friend from high school and stayed the weekend at her place >He is no longer reaching out
Sorry to say this, but you should probably let go of him, nonna. I had a relationship that turned long-distance as well (he moved for work and I would join him later) and the same thing happened. He “hung out” with a female friend at a bar. It was only supposed to be for a few hours, but it started getting really late and he wasn’t answering any of my texts or calls. I find out later that she invited him to stay at her place and shit happened.
Scrotes can’t be trusted with long distance relationships. Maybe he didn’t cheat, but there’s a lot of red flags here. He spent a whole weekend with some other girl, and he didn’t even tell you about it. That’s suspicious. He knows what he’s doing is hurting you, but doesn’t seem to care.
I know you can find a relationship with someone who is in your area and stresses you out less.
Thank you for replying, nonnie
. There are already guys in my area waiting for me, but I’ve always ignored them because he was the one I loved… ironically because of his tenderness and great communication! He’s my first love, so it’s so hard for me to stick to my own ‘no contact’ rule. I do know, however, that he is not doing his best for me and that I deserve better. It’s insane how much he changed in a short period of time. There was a period of time earlier this year where we were living with an eight hour time difference and talked way more than we do now.
Before I got into this relationship, a value of mine for not just people but situations in general was to not hold onto anything too tightly. I want to bring that energy back into my life.
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My boyfriend is annoying the fuck out of me tonight, he keeps saying he's interested in feminism and wants to learn more about it but literally when I talk about it he becomes the most contrarian asshole. Like we are talking about abortion and he keeps saying he's not anti-abortion but keeps going on about how fetuses are people which it's like. Okay so you think women who get abortions are murderers? And it's so fucking rich that he's going on about this when I literally have to take birth control because his dumb ass won't stop coming inside, birth control which makes me bitchy and depressive literally all the time. And now he's not even fucking responding to me. Fuck. I want to tear my hair out.
Damn are you me? My last relationship was my “first love” too kek. Together for 5 years and fell apart in months because of the move. It’s possible that your boyfriend’s group of friends are influencing him in a way too, and that’s why his behavior has changed. It sucks.
Trust me, you’re going to be happier with that weight off your shoulders. I’m not gonna lie, it’s probably going to hurt for a while, but it does get better. And when you meet someone that treats you better, you’re going to wonder why you didn’t leave him sooner. >Before I got into this relationship, a value of mine for not just people but situations in general was to not hold onto anything too tightly. I want to bring that energy back into my life.
Being single does have its perks! Definitely get that energy back. You’re giving so much of yourself and not having it reciprocated.
>>298438>bf is so retarded he thinks a clump of cells is a living being
Not only is your scrote a retard who desperately needs to take a biology class, but he also just told you he's flat out sexist. Dump him and stop enabling him. Don't even get me started on the birth control and no condom thing. He is using you as a fleshlight and treating you like one as well. He doesn't give two shits about you, feminism, or any other women.
My boyfriend is very supportive and understanding about these issues and my not wanting to take birth control. You can find a guy like that too. This is some bare minimum shit. Talk about being disrespected. Where the fuck did you meet this loser? 4chan?
Nice cherrypick considering most users crosspost. Take a harder look at the ot vent threads and stop trying to force this us vs them mentality as if users here really limit themselves to one board.
Also, please learn English before posting.
>>297830>"Perfect as any guy can get and thats saying something">he blew up when i made a totally normal boundary>im not a cool girl but we make jokes about how we would DV/end each other.
seek help. you've fantasized an idea of him that is not real. totally agree with >>297853
, a man that can't act normal the moment you aren't "agreeable" does not in fact see you as having purpose outside of making him happy. "ugh you're no fun" his first concern is how his entertainment is being disturbed rather than you being offended. violence against babies and women should never be funny to a man who is allegedly "One of the good ones"
>Started dating this girl
>One year younger than me, I'm 23 she is 22
>Lot's of similar "nerdy" interests, kinda hard to find in the third world country shithole I live
>Talk about personal stuff, she says she has ADHD and Bipolarity
>Ok, I'll read about this stuff so I can be a supportive partner
>First months goes ok, then the relationship got rocky, fights start on a "week yes, week no" basis"
>Super clingy, If I plan to do something either alone or with my friends that don't involve her (because despite being invited by me to be there together she refused". No physical harm, but she starts to say some really mean words.
>Things go like these for 8 months, she tells me her Psychiatrist thinks she is Border
>Oh shit, oh fuck
>Keep going, read about BPD to help her and be a supportive partner. Things go well for about a full month, we decide to buy our "dating ring"
>After that things went to heel, fucking role coaster
>I got to my Psychiatrist, and after describing how my relationship is she describes it as a "lighter form of domestic abuse cycle"
On one side I have the biggest urge to run away, I keep rehearsing alone what I want to say to her when we break up, but on the other side I still love her so much, she is my first "real" relationship, and my pragmatical side is like "you already bought the rings, gotta deal with It.
I know it would be more fitting to /vent/ but since it involves relationships I just wanted to put it out here
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I'm going to be meeting my boyfriends entire family on Thanksgiving and I'm so nervous. I've met his parents before, but his entire extended family will be there. I'm shy and a little weird, and a literal autist, but so is he. Any advice? I really don't know how to act in a situation like this.
Sounds like you know its inevitable and like you're just grieving the loss in advance. Which is understandable. 5 years is a decent chunk of time. Maybe make a plan so it doesn't drag out. Do you see yourself being together still by the end of the year or do you want to get it out of the way now before festive season/new years kicks in?
I've had that 'breakup incoming' feeling before and I try to make a plan so that things arent dragging on if certain dates like xmas are going to be coming up. Breaking up in december always sucks if you're someone who does xmas.
Snoop. If he has trouble getting hard that's also a sign. Also how he views women and the way they act or dress.
The biggest sign for me with my ex was him asking me to do things you would only see in porno. Like anal or asking if he can choke me and spit in my mouth. Degeneracy doesn't come from thin air.
See how secretive he is, see how he treats you sexually, and see how he thinks about women. If he just wants to fuck for 5 minutes, hides his phone/computer or won't let you on them, struggles to get hard, or doesn't care about your pleasure, those are big signs. If he does weird porny dirty talk or 'kinks' like the other anon said about anal, that's also a sign. The more affectionate and vanilla he is in bed the more likely it is he isn't a porn addicted moid, in my experience. I've dated 3 men long term, 2 of them were extremely attentive in bed, not into weird violent kinks, cared to some degree about women's issues, and not secretive at all, and as far as I know they did not use porn and only did sexual things with me. The other was into very degrading fetishes, openly talked trash on women, he did not care about how I felt and just wanted to pump and dump - I found out months later he had a serious porn addiction and my gut instinct was right. Just follow your gut and look out for the signs. While most men do use porn with no remorse, there are some rare ones that see the issues with it.
This is good advice, but if you make sure, if they have social media, to check their saved Instagram posts and who they follow. If they have reddit, check their hidden and saved posts and their subreddits, obviously. Also check their account activity so you can tell if they're using a VPN or Tor to log in so it won't trip up the hidden posts. Check all recent downloads/files on their computer, as well as the trash. If you are mega paranoid, just go through all their folders. Make sure that all hidden folders are visible if you go that route. This is a waiting game, you have to earn their trust so you have easy access to this stuff. Once you have access to their browser, you can easily find their passwords to stuff like Reddit and such. Note that some shit will need 2 factor authentication, so you'll need to time that shit if that is the case so you have both their phone and their/a computer. Make sure to delete history of your logins on Reddit/history in general/etc.
The last option is to check the history on their internet modem. Note that this can really only be utilized in a household setting and it will show the usage of the whole household, so it isn't always one hundred percent accurate if other moods live in the house.
I feel like this is very surface level stuff, but most moids don't go beyond this stuff unless they're some CS guy or particular about cybersecurity.
I'm new to relationships and have no friends so I don't know if my gripes are legitimate. Also idk if this is the right thread to post in. My boyfriend and I met in May and have been dating in July. He has a house and I live in a house with roommates. His family acquired a lot of wealth many years ago and they helped him buy a house. His salary I would say is middle class for an individual person. He works in non-profit and has over 6 years' experience. My salary is only a few thousand less than his and I have less than 1 year of full-time experience but I also have student loan and medical debt and he doesn't. I can talk to him about anything, he has helped me and took care of me through 2 surgeries since we have started dating, introduced me to all his friends, and family, etc. Which is nice and all, but many things about the relationship bother me.
First, he's divorced (he's only a few years older than me and I'm in my late 20's). His ex wife is a fucking fat ass, seemingly autistic SJW, and talks about their relationship nonstop on her public social media accounts. My bf himself eats horribly. He drinks a ton of soda and eats fast food all the time. I'm not as much as a stickler for eating healthy as I used to be but I like to eat healthy and after recovering from my surgery I want to be more active. All of his friends except one are overweight or obese. His one friend who he used to have a crush on is obese, has type 1 diabetes and eats like garbage and drinks all the time. He says that everyone loves her and she lights up a room. While she is nice, I think she is daft and a normie. Many of his other friends are autists, and I suspect my bf may be autistic himself. I can't have discussions with any of his friends about anything other than shallow shit. They'll obsess over video games, KPOP, etc. And they complain about being tired even though I work minimum 9 hour days, sometimes 7 days a week, and don't sleep much.
He is also a Trump supporter and obsessed with guns, has said gross "jokes" about women, etc. I like going to the range and I'm disenchanted with politics but even I was a bit bothered by this.
Also, he complains about the costs of caring for his house. He refuses to turn on the thermostat (cold or hot). During the brutal summer he was taking care of his uncle's dog, who was dying of heat exhaustion and refused to turn on the AC. And now it's autumn and 30ish degrees Fahrenheit and he won't turn on the heat. I brought a mini space heater. It makes me think why he even would own a house on his low salary when I only make a few thousand less than him and would never even dream of owning a home with the amount I earn.
He is also very strict with finances, but hypocritical. For example, he complained about his ex spending money on fruits for an eating show but he himself eats fast food and at restaurants multiple times per week. We split the costs of food a lot which isn't the worst but I also have way more debt and he makes us share food when he wants to eat crappy food and I want something healthy. But I have to compromise for him.
I have CPTSD and a lot of mental health issues but I'm trying. I like to take care of myself, am hopefully due to get a promotion and a raise in a few months after the company I work for sung my praises, hope to get a master's degree, etc. The problem is I come from an abusive family and when I cut them off they'll probably try and destroy my life. They also live in the same state as me. I also have horrible anxiety and depression and codepency issues. I'm in group therapy in the evenings at a hospital as requested by my psychiatrist, individual therapy, antidepressants, but also have a Klonopin dependence.
Idk what to do.
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OK anons, there's this dude I'm talking to rn in college:
>shy, buff, works out
>smart, has career ambitions
thing is, we've been on a few dates, and while he's been nice (paid for first couple of dates, very sweet ' offered to drive me places, etc.) and is LEAGUES, I mean LEAGUES better than the fucking loser of a guy I dated freshman year, I just don't feel any attraction/spark. I'm awkward, and he's more awkward, somehow. We don't have a lot in common. He got the "kiss me face" after one of our dates, and I panicked and said "huh?" when he started leaning in so he ended up giving me a side hug instead of what I think he wanted ((a kiss)). Thing is, I feel traumatized by my experience with males from freshman year. I don't want to touch a man. I don't ever get the feeling of "I wish I had someone to hold" anymore. EVER. I did warn him about how I wasn't really looking for romance early on, and how I felt off about relationships after my first with an incredibly fucking beta loser, but I guess he interpreted that as "she might come around". I thought I might too, but I think it's been enough dates in that I need to let him know that it meant a no. Also I think my ex ruined my view of men. I'm scared of dating another person like him. I cannot handle another submissive guy. I fucking can't. I rambled but do I just have another talk with him? I feel guilty, but I learned from my first that it's better to not waste time and end it if it doesn't feel right.
dont stay with a weird guy just because of some potential you think he might have. you are wasting your time with a guy you are not atracted to while there are pretty of not awkward fish on the sea. i dont think youre exaggerating in wanting to end things with him. it will probably be good to talk to him about it but if you are afraid of his reaction or you think its gonna be awkward just ghost him.
This is embarrassing but I hope you all can understand the situation. Need advice on leaving a 7+ year relationship.
I love my boyfriend a lot but lately I've been feeling like the way he acts isn't a way I want to live my life around for the rest of my life. He's kind and he does anything I ask of him, but he isn't responsible and he often feels checked out of reality. I feel like I see my friends have boyfriends who do things without having to be told and who have neat hobbies and are happy and involved, but my boyfriend doesn't feel like that at all. He does what I tell him and otherwise stares at his phone all day and that's about it.
I've been thinking I might need to leave him. But I'm not sure I even can. We live together, I don't drive (I have vertigo and I'm almost positive I can't get a license), and I don't work and I've never had a real job. I have two health issues which make it hard to work anywhere other than from home as I can get very physically sick very quickly at random, that I'm fighting to get treated but it's been difficult to even get a blood test. At most I've made $200 a month which obviously isn't enough to sustain myself. I want to be able to take care of myself and become more independent, but I don't know where to start. It also hurts a bit to think this is what everything has come down to.
If anyone has any advice on what to do or where to start I'd appreciate it. I know I might have to deal with this relationship for another year or two until I can take care of myself. He isn't a terrible guy so it's okay, I just can't really deal with this forever is the issue. It feels very lonely, I'd like a partner who wants to be like, alive in the moment more and who's their own person. Maybe by then things will be fine and I'll just be more able to care for myself which is fine, but maybe by then I could also leave and be ok. It would be nice to have options. I'm also not really sure how I should navigate around him during these times. It feels cruel to stay with someone knowing I'm probably going to leave him but I know I wouldn't survive without his support right now. It feels like a very difficult situation to be in, I feel very trapped. Neither of my parents are an option as they can't care for me either, and I have no siblings, so I have no one to go to.
I'm thinking back to that study of men being six times more likely to leave women if that woman develops cancer. Sorry it has nothing to do with your post, nonny
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So I've been with this guy for a couple months, but we had already been close friends for years before we developed feelings for each other. The thing is, it's almost scary how infatuated I am, especially sexually. I am constantly thinking about him and fantasizing about fucking him, it's ridiculous. Now, I'm a pretty affectionate person so I've been very open about how I feel and send him a ton of sappy messages, but I'm worrying that it might be too much? I'm not used to this level of intensity, although he appears to feel the same way about me.
At some level I know that this is also just new relationship energy that is bound to diminish eventually. I'm afraid that by being so overly affectionate I will cause him to take me for granted or set unrealistic expectations. How do I determine when it's time to let things cool down and back off with the (for lack of a better word) lovebombing a little bit? Is it warranted to be concerned about this?
You're overthinking this. Just love and be loved since apparently he feels the exact same way about you. The idea that you are supposed to back off with affection at some point is ridiculous. In a loving, healthy, balanced relationship no one is playing games of trying to balance their input in it to achieve a desireable effect; the example you've given with being taken for granted. Don't you want him to trust that you want to be with him, and the other way around? Why try to manipulate any kind of sense of uncertainity?
Of course it's always reasonable to have conversations about any kind of concern so you can just bring it up that you're worried about overwhelming him - just unerline that you like things how they are now and if he likes it too, don't change anything.
Ignore the other anon, >>299655
is right. Don’t overthink and play mind games because you’re insecure. I think this is what killed my last relationship and it fucking sucks. If he’s a good match he will understand your feelings and not take any concerns you have personally. He will probably validate you in the way you need to and you’ll calm down.
My bf watches anime sometimes. He somehow went his whole childhood without watching it, but got into it in his mid 20s thanks to a weeb friend of his. He even sometimes watches the worst kind of pandering romancy ones, so I’ve chosen to accept that he is just a little simple minded. Anyway, I was telling him about the smelly weaboo I just started working with, and told bf «at least you are a sexy weeaboo» and he’s like wait a minute. I’m not a weeaboo. Weeaboos are the ones who have waifus and buy body pillows and obsess. I just watch anime sometimes. I told him I thought he had a waifu, and that he was just too ashamed to tell me about her, but he said «if that was case then you would be my waifu». Speaking as a recovered fangirl, who still relapse once in a while, it warmed my heart hearing him call me his waifu. I was also a bit taken aback. I guess because I’ve been into so much degeneracy, it’s hard to believe there are people who watch anime/play video-games but aren’t as corrupted by the internet as I am. Is it really possible for a moid to casually watch anime and not be a degenerate? I’m new to this relationship, so I guess only time will tell.
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i struggle with showing my love in overwhelming ways. i have bpd. i love my new bf so so much and i dont wanna scare him off
Motivation to workout and eat healthy is intrinsic, the dedication to long term habit changes comes from within, you can't "give" that to him. If he's taking no action towards bettering himself despite agreeing he should lose weight, he's too comfortable being fat. And why wouldn't he? He's already got the fit gf to brag about despite being a fat slob so there's not a whole lot of motivation there and if he's been fat for a long time he's probably forgotten how healthy feels much better too.
You said you've told him you want him to lose weight but have you been upfront about, emphasized not being (sexually) attracted to him? >>300246
I agree, he is too comfortable being fat. He's very confident in himself and has a large sense of pride. I also agree that I can't truly just give him the motivation/dedication, but is there something I can say to make him realize "oh fuck, my girlfriend is leagues above me and I don't even take care of my basic appearance."?
I'm not sure how long he's been fat, but he told me that he was once super fit and showed me pictures from years ago (I'm not even sure they were him, there was no face in the pictures and he's a hundred pounds lighter). I thought that if he had motivation back then, he could rekindle it in some way. One incentive I've thought about pertains to my parents, because they don't like him for being fat. They haven't met him and my mom has encouraged me to break up with him after only seeing pictures. My parents are still very involved in my life, and if he wants to get enthusiastically invited to any holidays, he has to lose weight.
I have not been upfront about not being sexually attracted to him, is there possibly a nice way of saying that?
Be mean. Call him fat. Put your hand on his belly and say "I can feel it kicking." When he reaches for seconds say "really?" When he wants a snack say "aren't you fat enough already?" Fucking take his snacks and throw them in the trash as soon as he opens them. Tell him you're done having sex with a whale and he can just go down on you until he becomes attractive again.
Are you even trying, nona? He's such a fucking loser there's no chance he'd break up with you for hurting his feelings. It's not like he's going to land another hot gf to brag about.
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Nonnas, I would like your opinion please. I recently met a guy and he checks most of my boxes - generous, caring, cute, attentive, clean, funny, let’s me go through his phone, emotionally/financially stable. He’s super into me and I feel happy around him, and he loves eating me out. However he’s 7 years older than me, is a lot more sexually experienced, and I’ve learned he has some wild sexual interests, particularly eating ass and being pegged. He also has nerve damage on his penis from an accident as a kid so his sensitivity is dulled. All that has me hesitating because I have no interest in receiving anal sex or pegging a guy. I made my preferences known upfront but he still wants to pursue me. I feel torn because he’s the first guy I’ve met in a while I actually genuinely connect with, but I know I could never do those things with him. Are there really men out there that just have normie vanilla sexual interests? I’ve had to wade through so many worse shit-tier guys already and he’s the one closest to checking all my boxes.
Runrunrun. “Nerve damage from a childhood accident” my fucking eye, this dudes 100% a porn addict who’s stopped responding to normal stimuli. If you’re already feeling pressured into things you’re not comfortable with then there’s nothing worth sticking around for, it will only get worse. Sorry if this is rambly but I was in your position not long ago with an older guy who pressured me into a lot of weird shit and I’m just telling you what I wish someone had told me then.
Just hang in there nonna, someday you’ll meet a wonderful loving stable guy your age who isn’t a degenerate and has a working penis.
My initial response was he wants to act like a child, treat him like one. Change the locks and he gets no key for safety reasons especially if it’s your house, but I’m sorry anon that sucks. Does he have an explanation? >>300573
Nerve damage sounds like a cover for limp dick. If he was that fucked up there would be a visible scar or something he would have mentioned. You don’t get nerve damage from nothing. If he’s already bringing up degenerate sex shit that’s a bad sign. Yes there’s vanilla sex men and in my exp they have bigger dicks that work. Men that want to get pegged are selfish in bed most of the time and focused on using you for their pleasure. >>300587
I would. I’ve been there and I can’t do it again. He will hurt her if it goes far enough it will just take time. You don’t want to have to relive through your abuse while he does it to her. She’s an adult and you can’t save her. I’m sorry nonnie
There's normal men out there who are not degenerates. My moid once thought he was someone who was into "anything" and confessed he used to jerk off too much it ruined his body. He came to his senses and realized he only believed he was into anything because he was just incompatible with his past sex partners. All I have with my moid is vanilla sex. No toys or role playing involved, he doesn't find interest in porn at all. There's a moid out there for you nonnie
. Don't settle.
Nonnies with long term relationships 2+ years,
>how do you keep things fresh?
We’ve grown used to each other’s presence by now and see each other everyday. I’m online school and his field of study isn’t a point of conversation. I’m not in STEM and I just think it’s easier for him to discuss that topic with his classmates. So generally we just cuddle after he gets home and talk about boring things like how was your day and the conversation ends. We are both introverts with no social lives outside of ourselves so we have less conversation topics than a normal couple.
>what questions should I ask him if I want us to be long term marriage material?
I’ve asked things like relationship views, porn views, family values, children, work goals, future life goals, wedding plans (we both want cheap if we can’t elope lol), emotional trauma. Is there anything else important I forgot about? I guess I haven’t talked finances, financial plans, investments. I’m not too good at finances personally and haven’t entered the workforce yet as a full time employee to plan out anything. Idk, ideally I’d like to be a housewife to him but idk how much money he needs to make for that to be a reality. And we’re not at the stage to buy a house yet, we live in a condo owned by his parents, so we haven’t talked about dream houses yet either.
We’re also both debt free and have no loans hanging over heads, that’s all I know about our financial situation.
Our political views are generally the same too so no qualms there.
>how do I “test” him?
What kinda playful jokes should I do on him to try and trick him into seeing if he’s hiding something or is secretly degenerate or something? Idk, men sometimes say one thing and lie to your face when in actuality their actions speak louder than words. What type of “shit tests” (I think they’re called that) should I do on him?
I love him a lot and think he’s the one but yeah, we’ve only been together for two years so who knows if we’ll make it down the wedding aisle. I’m aiming for that though. I date with the intention of marriage.
We talk about our day, we complain about coworkers, we talk about things going on in the world, we talk about stuff we're reading or watching separately, we talk about what's going on with our families, we talk about what we want to do this weekend or have for dinner tonight. You don't ever run out of things to talk about unless you don't like each other.>The future
You seem to be on top of it so far. Keep in mind people change their minds about things and values can change too, especially if you are still young.>Shit tests
Idk how sorry
>>300817>how do you keep things fresh?
You need to grow as people. Learn new things and try new activities and then share that with each other. Being introverted doesn't really factor into it imo, you need to get yourself more curious about the world if you want conversation to be interesting. You also need to be interested in the other person, it's confusing that you can't come up with things to ask each other beyond things people would ask an acquaintance in passing… As >>300820
said I have never run out of things to talk/laugh about with my gf, it's never been dull despite us both being introverted.
>what questions should I ask him if I want us to be long term marriage material?
Finances as you said would be good to discuss, the stuff you covered is essential so you're good on that. Health might be a relevant topic, find out what runs in his family and pay attention to long term health goals. For instance, I'm very adamant about living as long as I possibly can and need a partner who is also willing to stay fit and eat well. I want to make sure we both invest in our bodies so we can enjoy each other as long as possible, bar some tragic accident.
>how do I “test” him?
I'm a lesbian so I haven't had to do a scrote test like that, sorry.
Yeah, idk, maybe we are too clingy and codependent. We do everything together - watch the same movies, tv shows, read the same books. Maybe I should let us drift apart a little so then we have more things to talk about. I always tell him I want to read more history books and learn more about finances/economics but school gets in the way of that. (I am in library science which isn't very… entertaining
as a topic). >We talk about our day, we complain about coworkers, we talk about things going on in the world,[…] we talk about what's going on with our families, we talk about what we want to do this weekend or have for dinner tonight
These are mostly our everyday topics but I'd like something more mentally stimulating and in-depth like family therapy analysis, love languages, theories about why we behave the way we do - idk, I guess a great way to describe it would be introspective conversations? >Health might be a relevant topic, find out what runs in his family and pay attention to long term health goals.
Oh geez, I forgot about health issues! He isn't very healthy… but we both agreed that we'll take care of each other when whatever happens. I have bad dementia, cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's on my side, he just has GI and prostate cancer on his side and no dementia. We both try to keep fit and eat healthy since that can prevent most diseases.
I've been with my husband for over six years, married for two. We are not very social people either, but we share our hobbies with each other to keep things interesting. He's really into Transformers and collecting, and I'm into lolcow drama and kpop, which couldn't be more different, but it works because we get to learn from each other. I've gotten into TF and helping him collect toys, and he's gotten into following lolcow drama with me. I think if we had the same interests it wouldn't be as fun, but that's just me.
Regarding things to ask: I think you've covered what's important, but if you have any mental illnesses, make sure that he understands them and knows how to help you in times of distress. I also was going to say that things will change after you get married no matter how much you prepare and ask questions, but >>300820
already covered that.
Oh yeah for sure! He has no friends but some classmates he occasionally talks to. I have friends but I moved away from all of them. We only reunite twice a year it seems. Maybe I should make new friends in the city but it’s hard if I’m not working or not going to school physically anywhere. >>300835
Oh yes that’s one way of getting more engaged. My partner is into cryptocurrency which I should find out more about just so I can understand the things he says to me.
I feel like I’m out of the “honeymoon phase” and things aren’t exciting/I’m not discovering new things about him. So I guess that’s why I asked how to “keep things fresh”. I know people do role playing and try to pick their SO up in a bar lol. Maybe I can try silly things like that!
, so he's into crypto, but what are you into? Are there any hobbies that you could potentially get him interested in?
Also you seem really optimistic about this roleplaying in a bar idea, but imo it feels a bit cringey and if you're not 110% committed to it, it will feel forced and potentially awkward.
>>300845>>300845>but what are you into? Are there any hobbies that you could potentially get him interested in?
I'm interested in classical music. He used to be in a jazz band and knows a little bit about music theory. He's getting me a keyboard for Christmas. We don't have one at our condo yet (which means I haven't played the piano in 2 years aka I am super rusty). I'd love to teach him piano! And I am trying to get into knitting but all I can make are scarves and hats so I am definitely not at the skill level to teach him anything higher than that yet.
Idk, maybe we can do board games and things too. We both like video games but I feel like I'm getting too old to really enjoy gaming anymore. It feels like a waste of time now and it isn't enjoyable as much anymore. I just feel like that 3h of playing a game can go into 3h of developing a new skill that can make you feel accomplished in the real world (like pottery or painting or home renovating).> optimistic about this roleplaying in a bar idea
haha yeah we haven't tried it yet but I'm open to trying new things.
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I’m only coming back here because my friends are unavailable. So right off the bat I met this guy off of bumble. That’s the first issue. Second we’re in Japan and he’s Korean. He’s 29 and im 22. He has a full time job and I’m a student. During our bumble stage he was very engaging and and checking in on me and then we decided to meet in person and it went really well. I get his LINE and that’s that. Now I don’t think he has his notifications on for LINE or what but he take a while to respond. The second time we met up he treated me again and he showed me around. Nakameguro because he lives near there and it goes well. Now the third time I initiate a date and that’s when I notice that he responds in a couple of hours. Now I’m not innocent because I respond late too but mainly out of shyness and because I don’t want to come off as desperate. I know he uses KakaoTalk because I saw his phone when it was unlocked and he got a notif while we were visiting eachother. Before we met I was on bumble unmatching a few people and I saw that he updated his profile. And so Idk what to think but I ignore it. I also got his instagram and the next morning I saw that he unfollowed me. Now these look like red flags don’t they. I went out with him for the third time and we talked a little bit more but we never got into deep conversations about our past and I never got to clarify what he wanted. Then as we were leaving he gave me a hug which was a step up because the last two times he didn’t do anything but shake my hand and then texted me later saying see you soon. The other night he mentioned he was going to watch the World Cup with his friend since Korea was playing. And then o responded this morning at 7:16 saying good morning and stuff. It’s 5:01 now and no response. Also I’m always the one saying good morning.. I’m feeling lonely in general because everyone I know is busy and so I go on bumble just to mess around and I get curious to see if his profile is still up and low and behold his profile is gone and it looks like he in unmatched me. We recently followed each other on Instagram again but I’m afraid he’s still talking to other girls. I myself have cut off multiple guys that I had been talking to because I genuinely thought it was going well. He leaves for Korea for break on the 30th and I leave on December 8th. I want to see him to fully sit omdown and discuss everything but before I get my hopes up or get attached more I want to know what you guys think because this is the first time I’ve ever made so much progress with a guy I met on a dating app. You guys can be completely brutal I don’t care. Do you think it’s worth talking to him about if I get to see him again? I made him a song playlist for him and everything. Atmosphere i trying to hard or do you think he wants to take it slow? I’ll be in the US for about 3-4 weeks. I don’t want to go back to learn there’s another girl.
Sorry anon those are all red flags. You should just cut your losses and move on and find another man on bumble.
He’s not interested in you and is too much of a coward to come outright and say it.
He obviously found another girl and that girl isn’t you. Why else has he distanced himself?
I had an ex before who'd crack the type of jokes that you'd expect teen boys to love. We weren't young, he was older than me. It stood out as weird to me. I made it clear to him that I'm not the audience for that type of humor so he mostly stopped but yeah on reflection its one of those things I wish I'd payed more attention to. Even though he stopped (after being asked) it was strange at his age. Things didn't end well later on. He did have shitty views.
If anything, being a 'grown ass' person tends to lead to you filtering out certain types of humor that were once funny to you. A grown man making sexist jokes to a woman.. not the smartest. To then be annoyed that a woman isn't loving his sexist jokes.. how braindead can he be.
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So I've always been an ugly girl, but in the past couple of years my appearance changed almost completely. I look so much better somehow, I "grew into my bones" and have started getting loads of attention from guys around my age. One of them was my long-time friend and we've been dating for 6 months now. A couple weeks ago another moid who looks absolutely amazing to me confessed his feelings, and another two guys (who are also rlly good-looking) asked me out a couple of times.
And I swear it's taking EVERY OUNCE of my self control to reject them. It literally haunts me at night, I know how retarded that sounds, but for 24 years I haven't got attention from any guy, but now suddenly so many guys who are just my type are asking me out while I'm in relationship. It feels so bad, I don't know if I should break up with my bf or not because I honestly struggle to stay loyal (I haven't cheated, I just find it hard to reject them), on top of feeling very dejected because my personality hasn't changed at all, but now that I look different suddenly everyone is interested. Am I being retarded?
Everyone, tell me I’m an idiot.
I started dating a man in May. He seemed super kind, quiet, very much my type. After we’d hung out a couple times he laid it all out for me. He’s in a “platonic open marriage”. They’ve been married for 6 years, platonic for 4. They’d both dated other people. She’d been in a year-long relationship with a man who eventually broke her heart. They’d been together for several years prior to their marriage. He told me they were on the same page about wanting to separate. She was planning on moving out, and if that didn’t happen he would move out. He told me things might be difficult “at the beginning”, and I believed him. We’re all in our 30s, btw.
Since then. Nothing has happened. They re-signed their year lease, which I didn’t know. After a couple months I sussed out that they were still sleeping in the same bed. I told him I thought it was inappropriate. He said it wasn’t sexual, it was just convenient and “it would cause problems” if he didn’t, so he didn’t change that. Meaning she would be upset. Every month or so I would check in and say, what’s going on? Whats the plan, any progress? And he would say he’s working on it. He said he was following leads for places to live, but he didn’t have enough money yet. I know he’s been working hard.
I hit the wall recently. I asked him what was going on, and he said he still didn’t have enough money to move, and she would also be uncomfortable with him subletting (they have another roommate, I was always told subletting was an option), so it made the most sense for him to wait until their lease was up. In another 7 or 8 months. I told him no, that was unacceptable. And that they still slept in the same bed was unhealthy and fucked up. We got into a big thing where I laid out my needs or else I was ready to walk away —they need to have a real conversation about their plans, obviously he needs to sleep in the spare room, and get therapy. He wanted to do it after the holidays, I told him no. I realized I can’t deal with this, and told him I need a break. Supposedly he’s been sleeping in the spare room. But the fact that he hasn’t done anything to move forward has made me realize I can’t trust his sweet words and best intentions. I told him to check in after the holidays and see if he’s done anything- anything- to move forward.
Please, give me a reality check.
This is a guy who has done sketchy thing after sketchy thing while making dumb excuses about not upsetting his wife to justify it, has made no progress in leaving his wife/ex and what little "progress" he's made is completely unproveable and amounts to nothing. He's giving you absolutely nothing in half a year, cut off immediately while it's limited to 6 months because before you know it, you're a year in, 2 years or more. And do it before the holidays so you can focus on loved ones or whatever you've got planned for the holidays.>>300978
Nothing about your posts indicated that you're particularly smitten/in love with your current bf. If you don't really see and want a long-term relationhip with him you might aswell break up and satisfy your curiosity about dating around.
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>high libido, celibate for 6 years
>horny for most men I spend more than an hour with
>manager 10 years my senior recently single after breaking up with partner
>sexual attraction is affecting my personal and work life
I'm getting sexual dreams about him, and masturbating to thoughts of him. We spend a lot of time together anyway because of work, but I'm low-key flirting with him and putting myself in positions where he'll instigate something, even though I know he's a good guy who won't do such a thing, as he's in a position of care for his direct reports.
He's a normie, very friendly with everyone, not smart - completely the opposite of me, but my horniness is making me an absolute freak.
>inb4 get a vibrator
I own 3 and a dildo already.
why have you been celibate for years? imo it's a reeeeal bad idea to get involved with anyone you work with. my best friend at work is going through this rn and it is so awkward, and they did not even do anything.
anyways, it's not too hard to a man to sleep with though if that's what you really need-i feel like it's easier to find hookups than men actually looking for relationships. because it doesn't sound like you love him it sounds like you are just lusting after him.
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No, I'd rather be celibate and invest in a fuck machine than have a hookup with a retarded guy I have zero chemistry with. I don't even have great chemistry with my manager, tbf, but even that is better than a random guy. The first guy I tried hooking up with I walked out on because he refused cunnilingus. The other had a micropenis. >>301169
Like the other anon said, wouldn't mind hearing your story. I'll keep your advice in mind, I already feel embarrassed at how transparent and desperate my behaviour must look. I've said some really autistic shit about his break up and he's a major normie. The only thing I've got going for me is my age, and even then I'm an ugly awkward 25 year old, not a hot one…
Okay, I hope this helps nonnie
. I briefly dated my manager; we had never met in person because we're an international company but when my work held a company wide celebration we ended up hooking up on the final night which then led to us getting together secretly soon after it ended. At first it was amazing; we fell really, really hard for one another (or at least he acted like he did). It was exciting, fulfilling, genuinely the happiest I had ever been with someone, but he broke up with me a couple months later after he told me that he wasn't over a previous relationship. The first few months following the breakup were awful, despite being my manager he never spoke to me once during this time, actively coming up with ways to negate checking up on me one-on-one. This made me genuinely terrified of going to him to ask questions because I felt like I was a bother. I was also very paranoid that I'd lose my job. After a while he started to talk to me again, but things have never been the same. I know he doesn't want to talk to me, that if it were up to him that we would never speak again, and that feeling is always present whenever I have to send him a message or see him during a meeting (which are also extremely awkward). It's humiliating. I feel so awful about myself. It feels like he's disgusted with me when I know I never did anything wrong or hurtful towards him. HE kissed ME. HE pursued ME. And yet I feel like a monster. I've tried so hard to keep the peace and to make sure things aren't awkward. We've gotten to the point where we're friendly with each other and joke around again, which feels nice at the time, but in these moments I want so badly to ask him, don't you know how much this all hurts? Did you ever actually care for me, even just a little bit? I don't know what your relationship is like with this coworker, how closely you have to work with them, but don't do it. It's really not worth it no matter how much it may seem like things could be different with them. If things ever go south like it did with me, it hurts incredibly.
Muslim men use kaffir women for their promiscuous years, before having an arranged marriage with a virgin Muslim woman. Any "Muslim" man who's willing to date a kaffir is the most misogynistic selfish user of any men you will meet. They view kaffir as sluts to use before settling down with a quality woman.
And this is coming from a Muslim woman. I'm incredibly paranoid about Islamic marriage, because this kind of disgusting behaviour is rife in low-value Muslim men living in the West.
There are some Christians/Catholics that are “lukewarm”. Basically, they say they believe in God and Jesus, but have a lot of liberal leanings that don’t always align with the church, such as being pro-choice.
Even though there might be some flexible Christians and Catholics (that might hardly be considered as such), I still get some ick because they’re believing in a religion that has roots in misogyny and animal sacrifice, and it’s written in the Old Testament. I can’t help but wonder if in the back of their mind, they believe women are lesser.
So yes I’ve considered Christians and Catholics when dating, but I prefer someone who is plainly spiritual or a Wiccan or something.
i think it depends on what "religious" means to them. i've dated a few moids (irish catholic, jewish) who claimed their religions due to their value as ethnic markers, but didn't really adhere to any of the tenets of their faiths beyond not killing people and observing the major holidays. basically, if he's sufficiently half-assed about it, i don't consider it a red flag for anything beyond mild hypocrisy.
this is exclusively for the mainstream, comparably normie shit. i would never, ever date anyone who claimed to be a mormon
Personally I would say yes. This may be because I have been in abusive
relationships but I hear that and can’t help but think he would be trying to lower your guard and increase how comfortable you are with him. Even guys I’ve known who have been super naive and green to the real world knew that men are dangerous and it’s reasonable for women to take precautions. Obviously take what an Internet stranger says with a grain of salt but I would be a bit alert if I were you.
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How do you deal with a partner who micromanages everything you do? I love my gf but I feel like I can’t do anything right in her eyes. I’ll be folding laundry and she’ll ask why I’m folding shirts instead of hanging dresses first, as if that’s something everyone knows. Or I’ll go to the grocery store and she wants bread so I pick up the bread we normally get but no, I should’ve picked up the one on sale. I’m afraid to do or say anything because I know she’ll find issue with it. She says I need to be better at picking up on context clues and that I should just text her if I have questions but that’s the thing, I never know what it is I’m doing wrong until she points it out! My self esteem has gone downhill but I don’t know how to confront her because in her eyes she is right and I am just the bumbling oaf. Actually as I’m typing this I’m realizing that she doesn’t actually do anything around the house because she’s “tired from work”. Why have me do everything if I can’t do it right?
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Nonnas I know this is going to be long but I really need advice. This is my first time posting on this thread so I hope I don't mess it up
>in my early twenties
>complex PTSD from years of abuse and parental neglect. Affection and touch starved (like, a lot).
>I do consistently work on my issues and see a therapist
>recently managed to get on disability and my first job ever, looking forward to moving out
>all is going well at work, coworkers are nice
>3 monthes in
>coworker my age that I'm used to see around and whos kinda hot and my type talks to me for the first time and asks for my number
>we text but we don't have much in common, esp. since he's from Sudan and struggles with the language (I'm from Europe). But he's cute and I'm affection starved so I agree to a coffee date
>it goes pretty ok but towards the end, he goes from shy to very forward, we hug and kiss for like an hour
>I find out I don't like deep kisses at this point (at least now at this point in my life) so I keep avoiding them, he insists a lot tho
>back home I freak out and avoid him for a few days
>eventually I tell him I'm sorry I do like him but things went too far for me last time
>agree on a 2nd date
>again he wants to french kiss and tries to touch my chest. I have to tell him no a few times for him to stop insisting
>today at break we went to his friend's place when nobodys there (bad idea ik) and cuddle on the couch
>well I just want to cuddle but he keeps grinding on me and trying to touch me on intimate places
>again I have to say no many times and struggle in his hold to get off the couch. He always laugh it off
>am torn on what to do because I do want to cuddle but he keeps making it sexual
>go back to work trying to keep friendly but distant
Other things he's said/done:
>decided I'm his girlfriend although we've only been on like, two dates?
>wants to know where I live exactly (still haven't told him)
>wants me to come over to his place (yeah, not gonna happen)
>wants me to tell my parents abt him
>mentions wanting us to move in together
It's frustrating cuz my love starvation and the fact he is very cute and my type keep me hooked on him, despite him making me uncomfortable and probably only wanting sex from me. Also knowing we'll keep seeing eachother at work and that it'll be awkward.
If someone could give me some insight/advice I would be very grateful
I met a male recently, he wasn't outwardly religious, I wouldn't have known it if we didn't start talking about more serious topics. But after we did I found out he was Catholic (non practicing?) and when he described the way it influenced his world view it made me put down religion as a hard no. Maybe that makes me a bigot but I wouldn't ever date with someone who says he 'believes in the power of prayer' or a real Devil. He also said other stuff about his own behaviour that was orange flags. Learning this side of him was like the opposite of >>301390
's post, it felt like it came out of nowhere since he wasn't brought up as a Catholic, like it's hardly Ireland (literally not Ireland). I'd say that moid was conservative, not stereotypically so, but we're in our early 20's and he seems so weirdly out of touch after I scratched the surface in a way that's not worth bothering with for me as a woman. And I'm glad I experienced it now and not later so I know what I wouldn't compromise over. I am an extreme skeptic and also not white so I don't want anything to do with Abrahamic religions that have had nothing to do with my original culture. I've lost enough connection to my roots, I feel like if I got serious with a Christian man that would be pickme behaviour on a spiritual level, not that I mean this super seriously but I hope someone else gets what I mean. Do any other POC
anons have similar experiences with living in a mostly white Christian area?
That sounds exhausting. I’m sad to say I used to behave similarly to my ex. I wish I could put my finger on exactly why, but I think I have some co-dependency issues and emotional flashbacks from childhood. It’s like wanting on some subconscious level to merge together so he couldn’t disappoint me. I did in some capacity know my expectations of him were irrational and felt bad and ashamed about it.
I remember feeling like I often did more for us in the relationship, and eventually I got into this resentful mindset I guess. We also struggled with communication in general. I regret not having shown more appreciation for him now, so maybe that’s a way you can talk to your gf about it? Say you feel underappreciated and that you would like to practice expressing more gratitude? I think it’s harder to feel critical towards someone all the time if you learn to appreciate their efforts.
I wish I had better advice. This type of behaviour is toxic
and narcissistic, and I think the biggest problem is that your gf isn't willing to listen to you. If she won’t change, it’s better to cut your losses than have your confidence completely destroyed. I'm sorry you're going through this.
>>301538>you can tell they see you as a charity case being a woman of colour.
Thanks for the warning because luckily I haven't experienced that yet. Sounds horrible, more so when it's a religion where non believers just haven't seen the light
is built into it.
I grew up in an african islamic house hold. I’m an athiest now and my worst experience has by far been with muslim moids. They are the most entitled, regressive and abusive
people i’ve ever come across. Don’t even get me started on the weird white guys that convert to islam.
Anyway, I don’t think i could date a man who follows an abrahamic religion. I can’t speak on polytheistic religions bc it’s not big where I live right now (White christian/mormon area) but most men who follow abrahamic religions are conservative and misogynistic and have never had an original thought in their lives.
Weirdly enough though I would like to date someone with a similar background to me (growing up muslim). My boyfriend is half Indonesian and grew up somewhat muslim but in a white washed way. He doesnt believe in or care for it tho but its really nice to be able to talk about cultural similarities and our background without the fear the fear of shame or judgement. Its rare and im really lucky
Thank you. I feel bad for posting because I love her so much but I’ve grown to feel as though she’s just tired and annoyed with me; that the only reason she’s still with me is because of our lease and finances.The negging is really the only complaint I have in the relationship. I just don’t know how to feel right now and am scared of confronting her.>>301528
Thank you as well. That is good advice to remember for the future!
I’m sorry but the problem is clearly the girlfriend. OP is retarded for not having the balls to stand up for herself against the narc gf.
If u get the same bread everyday, why assume you’d need to get the cheaper one? And had she gotten the cheaper one I bet her girlfriend would complain about how she should’ve stuck with the regular bread they get.
It’s not even about being unable to do the tasks - as OP stated she is the one who does most of the work - it’s about doing the task exactly the way her girlfriend wants her to at that moment. If she has a problem with the way you do things, the way you fold clothes, etc and your self esteem is getting worse you really need to talk to your partner. If they dont like the way you do it they can do it themselves or shut up.
And this >>301593
is why you’re a dumbass bitch. You’re a doormat. You’re allowed to be upset and want more help. You’re allowed to complain about your girlfriends unnecessary demands. Stand up for yourself jesus
I'm similar to you anon, I grew up in a south asian islamic household and will avoid south asian islamic men at all costs (and muslims in general). They are consistently the most abusive
, controlling, narc type of men to exist.
I hope more muslim women grow some balls and end their torture. There's a better life out there for us and those of us in western countries have the opportunity to take it. I don't regret my actions and am now living with my bf away from my family and I'm the happiest I've ever been.
>>301829 >discussed continuing a romantic relationship again in the future if fate brings us together again
I've seen situations like this play out with friends and ngl I've made a note personally never to wait around on a guy who've I've already had one break up with. That all break ups are final and bfs know theres no dropping it and picking it back up later when it suits. I know theres always going to be exceptions to the rule but from what I've seen it results in either relationships that cycle through making up and breaking up several more times before they truly call it a day.. or one of you waits for the other and then finds out the other person wasn't returning that favor and they've suddenly met someone else. Most of my friends that entertained that idea weren't experienced in dating. It was their first relationship so in a way they just couldn't picture themseles with anyone else.
Breaking up once is usually enough to know that the future doesn't look bright. It sets a bad precedence.
>>301835>Breaking up once is usually enough to know that the future doesn't look bright. It sets a bad precedence.
Yeah. If it's like a fling sure it might work in the future. But an ACTUAL long-term relationship? LOL. LMAO. If your moid gave up/figured out he doesn't love you, you can quote him on that for the rest of your life, regardless of what he
lies he comes up with later on.
At best he'll be stringing you along because he's a loser with no options. Until he won't. And that's the best case scenario.
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The solution is really simple.
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my bf makes stupid ass jokes abt women and it's kinda putting me off. we've been together a year and 2 months but now im in emotinal trouble bc i dont like policing humor since i make "edgy" jokes sometimes but idk it just makes me wanna snap at him but i dont wanna be seen as some crazy gf or whatever. all men are so stupid and i dont wanna leave him bc he's my first bf and otherwise our relationship is very good. idk i feel like a retard typing this im sorry english isnt my first language and im a lurker
You should explain what you did in this post, literally you could screenshot this post and send it to him. Just that you shifted gears and took your life in a direction where your values no longer align the way they did when you were in a ldr with him, you're a different person now and you guys wouldn't get along anymore.
The mystery is probably keeping him interested so that simple explanation should be enough.
. it'll either torpedo your relationship or make him stop, you win either way.
you're retarded if you think that's the only example.>>302118
I'd feel sad but it depends on the reason. If he's constantly in touch and prioritises me then I'd love him more I guess, "distance makes the heart grow fonder" kek
If he plays any PC game that starts with "Sakura," he's a porn addict. I'm sure you can find his Steam account somehow and you'll see. The entire franchise is even banned on Twitch no matter what because they're just porn. He can't even use the excuse of playing for the story because that IS the story.
Cut your losses now because even if you become his girlfriend, he's only gonna hide his game activity so he can keep playing them.
Not even normal weebs go and look up Sakura OSTs for the sake of it.
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Jesus christ I desperately need help. So I met up with an online friend. I really wasn't interested in meeting up and felt VERY uncomfortable with it (which I expressed to him many many times), but we ended up hanging out for a couple of days regardless. We hugged and even kissed (on cheek, not on mouth), but in the end I don't want to be in relationship and tbh I felt pressure around him which I disliked. I've tried to gently let him down a week ago but he didn't seem to take it seriously and kept trying to convince me to change my mind. In the end I've decided I no longer feel comfortable with him staying overnight at my place once again, so I told him that he is no longer welcome to stay overnight. Now he is seriously upset, trying to convince me to pay for his hotel or let him stay, but I feel so bad and uncomfortable with that. He needs to pick up some stuff he left at my flat though so we still need to meet up, but I am scared of it now. What do I do.
Also I'm 25, I'm just autistic and lack any romantic experience. Some of our mssgs in pic.
So many red flags here, he's trying to guilt, manipulate you and coerce you into things you have very clearly stated you're not interested in.
I would make a point of letting him know you have expressed you're not comfortable and that you have set boundaries. If he is unwilling to respect those boundaries, then he is out.
Grab a friend and meet up with him somewhere in public to return his belongings and don't hang around to chat. Just leave, because he's only going to get the wrong idea and keep trying.
he is literally gaslighting you and invalidating your feelings and trying to make himself out to be the victim
and being very manipulative, please just cut him out of your life this guy is a huge piece of shit
The most worrying part of this is how many times he repeats that he thinks.. you think.. that hes a rapist or sexual assaulter. Nonnie
this screams of him outing his own thoughts. There is no reason why an even semi sane man after being rejected should be jumping to talking about rape this much with you. Why does his mind go there? Why is he burdening you with all this made up rape accusation type talk. This guy is nuts.
You're being clear but if theres one thing that he's playing on its your empathy and how much you apoligize for his hurt feelings. He sees you saying sorry and he thinks thats his 'in' to keep up this manipulation. Get away, total cut off. Nothing good will come from this. His mind is clearly wrapped up in coerced sex and hes telling on himself. Thats his end goal
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Thank you so much for validating my feelings nonnies, I felt like I was the crazy one here. Because I really did act flippant (I mean I hugged him but then I decided I don't want to be in relationship after all), so I understand that he was hurt. For a bit of context, we've been online friends for around what, 5 years now? So it's not like this guy is a creepy stranger, it would suck to let go of friendship going on for this long.>>302431
Wow I've never thought about it that way. You are right tho, I never implied he might assault me or whatever, it was so strange that he suddenly mentioned it. He is not a rapsit though, but I felt like he was trying to subtly pressure me into doing stuff. When he was staying overnight I was wearing long oversized pjs, and when we were cuddling he kept commenting on how closed off I seem, he took off his shirt and asked me to take off my pjs but when I told him that no I don't want to he left. It was our 3rd day together irl so I felt like everything was progressing very fast. Maybe that's a normal pace, I just dont have any experience.>>302434
I brought it up in the convo this morning, pic rel, but he can't get it mailed. Anyway thank you everyone for advice, I'll definitely be more cautious now. And try to be more blunt with him irl. I appreciate each reply, thank you again, you nonnies are like my honest girlfriends I can get solid advice from.
>>302441>he kept commenting on how closed off I seem, he took off his shirt and asked me to take off my pjs
jtc this is disgusting, he was perfectly aware you're uncomfortable and proceeded to undress anyway. It's not "a normal pace" or anything like that, don't worry nonna.
Can you just meet him at a train station to give the things and immediately abandon him there? It would be awful to hang out for any longer than necessary.
This man gives me such a bad feeling based on what you've said and what I see looking at your text convos. Like other anons said, he's clearly trying to guilt trip and gaslight you, and you HAVE communicated your boundaries. You've communicated about your boundaries very well, in fact - you've done a lot to explain to him what your limits are and what you aren't comfortable with. Some people simply ghost instead of having a conversation, even if the topic is a lot less difficult than this one, so you've done plenty to communicate. Don't worry about that. It's just him ignoring everything you say, or trying to twist your words and guilt you with his interpretations. Him ignoring your boundaries is a massive red flag, as is the way he's trying to manipulate you.
I also agree with other anons about how it's fucking weird his mind immediately jumped to "you think I'm a rapist" after you said some of the physical stuff made you feel uncomfortable. That's quite a leap and makes me wonder why his mind went there… him trying to pressure you to take off your clothes when you were cuddling also sends red flags flying to me. I agree with anons who said that if you absolutely have to see him irl again, take a friend with you and meet him in public. I understand it might seem difficult to assume the worst about someone you've been talking to for years, but him being this pushy and pressuring you doesn't sound good. It's better to be safe than sorry and be cautious. You haven't done anything wrong, and you aren't doing anything wrong by listening to your gut and not giving in to his manipulation.
Might depend on your country but I learnt years ago that police can hold belongings in a situation like this. If you feel unsafe with a guy (abusive
ex or someone who left after trying to sexually coerce you etc) They'll hold onto it for him to collect. They make a record that he got it back and has no excuse to show up to your place again looking for it. I don't know if you get the gravity of just how unsafe it would be to even entertain the thought of keeping this creep in your life.
Its a common thing that men leave shit behind after being rejected or dumped and they harrass you all in the name of 'muh stuff tho' Exact same lines about not trusting the mail. His stuff isn't of higher priority than your own safety. Arrange something like that and then block
He's talking in circles. I agree with >>302455
you should get the police involved and wash your hands of this mess of a man. You've made your point abundantly clear and he's not respecting your boundaries. He sounds insane.
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>>302531>he sobbed himself to sleep
are you sure it was just a random cruel tirade and not you venting your frustrations about a manchild? cause you wrote one sentence about him and he already sounds like a massive loser
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I was 19 years old when I met my ex. I was fresh out the mental hospital and placed in a motel by DSS. I was at my lowest and considering s.icide.
I blame myself for even allowing myself to talk to a 43 year old man. I blame myself for letting said 43 year old man convince me to date him.
He had a sob story. He came to my small to work (red flag number 1), his ex wife took him everything (red flag number 2), his ex wife won’t let him see his kid(red flag number 3) and he had seizures ( like me) more bs he was spewing.
My dumb ass was eating this up.
Eventually after a month of being at the motel and having this man seem like the sweetest thing ever. Taking care of me when I was at my lowest. red flag!!!!!) I wasn’t even attracted to this man really. He was 43 and balding in a motel. He clearly wasn’t something special.
My idiot ass gave him a chance. We started dating and my hell started.
I went back home because DSS was playing around and making it harder for me to get another room at the motel.
He had to live with his “cousin.” Because he got “kicked out” of his motel room because he “fought” his roommate. Allegedly..
Then his “cousins wife” started flirting with him and “attempted to rape him” ( it’s a lie. He was living with one his exes and lying to me about it. He was cheating on me since the beginning )
My dumb ass told him he could stay at my house FOR A LITTLE BIT.
Nah. Another dummy move. He would stay in my room because he had “social anxiety” (another lie.) my mom threw us out. So his dumb ass lied to me and said he knows a town 30 minutes away with his ONCE AGAIN COUSIN that he lived with before.
This cxnt had me walk 8 hours through a snowstorm. I lost all attraction. I lost anything I had for this clown. Then his cousins? DIDNT WANT HIM TO STAY THERE. And his cousins WERE RACIST. But his “cousin” told me to leave him and go to school. He has a pattern. Bleh bleh bleh bleh.
As soon as I told him I wanted to go back to school and we’re trying to find him house his dumb a55 said “but are you coming with me?” First of all I can’t even do that. DSS doesn’t allow a woman and a man to housed together FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. I got him the paperwork and everything. His dumb ass didn’t even touch the paper work once.
I was getting tired of him. I was tired of having my money drained from me. I was so tired of a grown man taking my money for mf weed carts or whatever he wanted. He would try to convince me to buy shit for him that I knew he wouldn’t use or care about.
Long story short I got thrown out again. And his dumb ass said oh maybe my friend can let us stay with him. I was tried of being homeless and DSS not helping me I said yes. At this point he’s already put his hands on me, all my friends stopped talking to me because I was dating him and everyday he would accuse me of cheating. He even put his hands on me because he thought I cheated.
So the dude comes to pick us up with his cousin. We made basic rules. FOR TWO DAYS IT WAS NORMAL. BRO. IT WAS HIS EXES COUSIN. His exes cousin was being extremely rude to him all day everyday after to days of normalcy
Then my ex would take it out on me because some fat gay dude was verbally and physically attacking him everyday. honestly I didn’t care. I found a job at a warehouse and just wanted to leave him.
I felt so alone. My mom stopped talking to me because of him. My friends stopped talking to me because of him. I was just stuck and isolated with him. Whatever my roommate did I DONT CARE.
Well that came to an end because my ex was lying about going to work and pretending to go to work. So he couldn’t pay rent. And I refused to pay his end of it. What really solidified it was when i decided to go through HIS messages because for atleast 5 months now he wakes me up by asking me about my emails and “who’s this texting me.” WHEN ITS LITERALLY A MF SPAM EMAIL.
So I grabbed his phone and ofc he was cheating on me. His reaction to me finding this out WAS BURNING HIMSELF WITH A LIGHTER. The exes cousin and his partner freaked out and kicked us out.
He could have kept me there but basically he didn’t want me sneaking him in. Soooo now I was on the streets with this psychopath again. I had to go to work agency to find work to not sleep in the tent that I bought but to sleep in a cheap motel. THAT HE GOT US BANNED FROM.
Months later (so much happened) I had to leave him after he put his hands on me and accused me of cheating again on July 4th. He lied and mf blamed it on “PTSD” from his “ex” abusing him. WHICH IS ANOTHER LIE.
I caught him faking mf a seizure and it just made me repulsed. (One time when I was seizing homeless in the street in the middle of the summer I was told he was telling people not to call 911. )
I lost so much money. So many friends and a relationship with my mom for a lying cheating homeless bum who has no goals. I threw him out.
Come to find out he’s a pathological liar.
He has 13 kids. He has 3 divorces. He has warrants. He’s abused every single woman he’s been with. I have the court papers his ex sent me to prove it. He’s abused his daughter he was using in his sob story. He r@ped his disabled cousin who was deaf and mute. (I believe it because he’s very sexually aggressive. He’s also assaulted me in my sleep and attempted again when he was drunk)
He has multiple social media pages where he harasses me to this day and we broke up almost two years ago.(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
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>>302788 > ofc he was cheating on me. His reaction to me finding this out WAS BURNING HIMSELF WITH A LIGHTER
I had an ex, the story isn't as crazy as this but I met him at a low point too, he was sweet as pie in the beginning too. He told me his previous ex was bpd. I noticed a burn on his arm. Asked him about it. He told me it happened during an argument with 'his bpd ex'. That a cig was put out on him. Now he told me this while we're still in the 'sweet as pie' stage so I'm not questioning it as much as I should've. I'm like wow.. this woman burned him. k
Later find out he did it to himself during the argument. Things went very downhill with us and it was messy but that image of him burning himself in front of his ex always stuck with me as an embarassing level of psycho behavior to be forever marked by. A guy who tells you all his exes are psycho/bpd.. reverse the roles and more often than not you get the truth.
As the previous response to this said, just don't.
If your partner ever brings it up, just tell them the truth. Your family is dysfunctional and you don't want them to deal with that shit (if that's the reason you're not introducing them, of course). In the mean time, if it's bothering you that much you could also slowly plan towards moving out.
Your family is not a reflection of you. It could be, but doesn't have to.
I've been in an LDR for a while. If I had anyone attractive hit on me, I'd have probably already cheated or broken up, but so far I've been cruising along. We've discussed one of us relocating, but he doesn't seem to get that I'd want to have a job lined up or at least some transferrable skills, because as an ESL foreigner, people won't take me seriously for the types of jobs I'd want to do. He thinks it's alright, I can just get a job at his, and I don't want to explain that I don't to be stuck in a dead-end manual labor type job, which I've explained like 3 times already, even if it makes me sound like a snob, it's what I feel. He doesn't want to move here permanently because of the language barrier, and he preemptively dismisses the possibility of him learning our native language, so I don't know what his long-term prospects would be, or if he expects me to take care of him for life. I should just give this up, right?
>>303010>I've been in an LDR
stopped reading here
Take my advice with a grain of salt as my partner has a mental health condition that makes them more sensitive and deregulates their brain chemistry. Yes, you can but it’s very hard. It takes a large amount of communication and understanding and patience from both parties as you adapt. On days I know I’m “antisocial” see quiet, busy, or focused I shoot them a text to let them know, “I’m not mad. Just insert emotion here. Or I am mad/upset but it’s not related to you or your fault. I’d appreciate space while I process love you very much.” Because I know for them when I’m quiet and focused it triggers
anxiety that makes them question if it’s them however if I preemptively tell them it lowers their stress and let’s them know to expect it so when their anxiety starts convincing them that I am upset they can go see my text that I’m not.
I’ve also explained how I process things and relate to the world because it’s a decent bit different. I’m always okay. I might move up and down on a well-being scale of 1-10 but 90% of the time I don’t care enough about things to let them genuinely impact my emotions or self worth. I don’t find it worth the effort. I’ve also pushed them to explain and tell me too. That way we can come up with working compromises. People think differently and have different and cognitions.
You have to be careful though that the compromises are ruining your quality of life. Relationships are work yeah, but they should build you up over time. Not break you down. If you feel like you can’t express your emotions and get support when you actually need to because it would upset them then in my opinion the relationship won’t work.
A lot of “selfish people” who end up projecting your mad or their in trouble have overactive emotional empathy. They see you upset and it makes them upset. A lot of times as children they get taught it’s their job to manage a parent or another’s emotions so they feel responsible for your feelings. It can be hard to explain to the people that fall in this category that they’re being selfish. Because despite common misconception they do “care”. Your emotions impact them but a lot of times they don’t have the communication and cognitive skills developed to manage the intense emotions that arise from yours and they don’t know how to comfort and fix it. Like little kids they can get stuck on “but I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Because the overactive empathy is blurring the boundaries between your and their emotions. They’re not selfish just so responsive to emotion they’re self involved even when you’re the party that needs focus.
ok guys I think I need some tough love please bully me
>Have no female friends (notby choice, too autistic/isolated)>Start dating longtime friend but I'm feeling a lot of doubt because he:>makes jokes about how disgusting 3D women are >enjoys vengeful scenarios about men rejecting women who approach them/choosing anime girls over them>friends with an open lolicon>likes made in abyss>enjoys daughteru self insert art>is not exactly pro life but thinks abortion is painful/injurious for the father >is palpably anxious about 'biological imperative', thinks it's unfair men are denied happiness because they can't afford to have kids >liked some comic about 'pregnant elf slut alignments' which was barely-disguised porn
I start to feel like a thing to him, not a person
Feel numb and nauseated
Anyway am I overreacting
Is this an online or irl relationship because everything you listed sounds like it comes from a terminally online porn addict over discord, not a real relationship that involves humans interacting normally
And fucking no, you know perfectly well you're not overreacting and you don't need us to go into detail why because you've already identified the red flags. But even if you were, it wouldn't matter. It is your prerogative to dump someone for any reason, no matter how minor. Your feelings matter - you literally feel sick and like you're not a person to him. That means something, trust your gut.
Idk if I was part of the original convo but honestly.. you live and you learn. Alot of the time when I see nonnies posting stuff like that I just think "get back to us in a few years and see if you still feel that way"
Still sucks to learn this stuff the hard way. You prob know what you have to do. Don't waste more time on this.
Girl any one of those would be enough reason to unalive a moid. But this?>thinks it's unfair men are denied happiness because they can't afford to have kids >enjoys daughteru self insert art
You are dating an incestuous pedophile. I don't care how autistic you are, please have some standards because you are better than pedoshits I am serious when I tell you it's better to have no friends than to have friends like that.
I can somewhat sympathize because my loser ways and no self-respect also made me interacts with moids that didn't even try to hide their childish/coomer/alarming parts of their personalities. I thought that it might be better to be with someone who's open about his flaws, because at least I know how deep the degeneracy goes, instead of someone faking being a decent civilian.
Well it does not work that way. It grates you down. It's not even just that it can potentially make you feel lesser, as a woman, but sooner or later you'll be so fucking disgusted with them, and their inappropriate jokes and reactions to things, because all their socialization happened online. Like maybe I found some inappropriate sex joke funny one time, but then I tell them about something that seriously concerned me or ruined my day and they'll still react with some coomer or misogynistic joke or think everything is veiled in 50 layers of irony. And don't start discord server relationships. Online friendships and partners are as reliable of a social net as a cloud. My neighbor, with whom my relationship is just waving at each other in the morning is more reliable in a crisis than anyone shitposting online.
Has your insufferable nerd loser turned into a fat bitchy grandma yet? Or an unreliable emotional wreck that is never be there for you when you need him? Well, at least you haven't been baby-trapped by him, I hope.
Don't let sunk cost fool you until it's too late. Dating ugly is the dumbest thing a woman can do with her life.
But I mean if you're really stuck, I'd say usually do something like buy them some nice wine or spirits they might like (again ask your bf what they'd want)
And just be generally nice, offer to pay for a dinner out one night, or to do some of the driving, etc, to show you're appreciative.
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Not sure if this fits here, but I'd like some advice on how to stop being extremely bitter about my ex cheating on me. I know that I can allow myself to be mad about what happened, but due to how I'm wired, I have a tendency to want revenge on those who have wronged me. That fucker put me through fucking hell, and what he did nearly brought me to the point of suicide. But, life is good now. I am in a better relationship. I have a new job, new place to live. I'm not in the same town he lives in anymore. Yet I can't help but to bring up what he did, or if I find some trad alpha chad me, I'll comment on it and say "yeah my ex wants to be like this, but he's a stupid porn addict." I'm over him, but I can't say that I am completely over what he did to me, and that is what fuels my bitterness. I want him to always suffer for his actions for the rest of his life. When I think about that though, it's also tiresome. I don't want him to rule a part of me anymore when I am in a much better place than where I was. Apologizes for blogging, but I wondered if any other nonnas have that kind of thought process, and how they can let themselves heal.
It’s been around six months. it was a very intense relationship and one where I thought we were going to be married. One thing I can be grateful about is that I found out before our relationship progressed into something more serious. In hindsight, I should never had been in a relationship with him. I feel wronged, and I hate that I wasted time with such a scrote. I’m wondering about “getting over it” now because a mutual friend of mine said that I should stop being bitter about it when I have a new boyfriend. It’s true, yes, I am much happier. Dragging down my ex at random times can be annoying. I am justified. I just don’t really want to be forever bitter, y’know?
Meditation sounds like it might help. I haven’t really tried it because my mind races so much and I’m too jittery all the time. I’ll give it another shot. Thank you for the advice.
Same, I don't let it show (at least I hope I don't) but I really hate it when they go out with other people even though I completely trust them and know it's fine.
I think I'm just inherently insecure and I don't know how best to tackle that.
Knowing he's out in public hurts too kek. I used to go on my burner account to lurk on his friends' social medias when he went out, but I've gotten off there and I feel a tad bit healthier ever since.>I think I'm just inherently insecure
I think this may be true for me too, nonnie
. If another woman is in an innocent meme he sends I secretly seethe. It's such a ridiculous thing to be upset over, but at least we are aware of our issues. I hope things get easier for you and that we are both able to work through this.
I didn’t want a serious relationship with my ex to begin with, but he pursued one with me so diligently that I began to see a future with him. Then we broke up last week due to going long distance, and it seems like he’s barely hurting whereas I’m really going thru it. >>303251
This was so me in my last relationship. I didn’t even realize that I had the potential to be so jealous until I started actually caring about the relationship.
Just him going out with his (male) friends, and being in the environment of bars and house parties while we were long distance was seriously nerve wracking for me.
I assumed anyone in my position would feel jealousy, but others assured me it was no biggie. So I guess I was the odd one.
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Me and my bf are in an ldr and he told me hes been getting depressed about work these days. hes getting more distant, which he says he admits, but we still talk everyday. Ive asked him time and time again if he was losing interest in me and he said that i shouldn't take it that way. I still feel hurt and sad that he doesn't reply as quickly as we did months ago. I guess the good thing is he replies with the same energy, but we just dont talk as much. That makes me upset everytime we talk and the severe time difference doesn't help either. I feel like I bore him, but of course, he tells me I don't etc. Is this relationship even worth pursuing? There's a possibility that we'll meet up next year, But I'm afraid that if I keep going, we'll just both be wasting our time because of the fear that he's hiding the fact that I bore him or something, and that he doesn't want my feelings hurt. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
If you're only meeting yearly, I don't give this a good chance of success. Online relationship success stories that I've seen (and there are plenty) meet up every few months at least, have regular video calls, etc.
That said there is some chance that his distance has no relation to you, he might just be down about work or something. I'd say wait it out, listen to his venting, and if he seems better try to push for more video chatting and other things to make the relationship more serious.
Thanks nonnies. We used to video call 3 times a week and message each other everyday since were only 1 hour apart. But now we can't do video calling often cause our time difference changed (12 hrs apart) and work is draining him, since he tells me he even has difficulty to find time to work out. We still update each other daily. And he did keep telling me that he'd try to fly over as soon as possible when his passport arrives. There hasn't been a day where we don't message each other since we met around the end of May. but I will try to ask for more video calls around christmas break when he is less busy. >>303374
Thats what Ive told him before we became romantic a few months later cause I liked him too much kek.
Because a lot of us are hikikomori, we spend most of our time online anyway and it's easier to bond with someone there than in awkward in-person interaction. Also, frankly, we're more likely to share interests with other socially near-bottom-of-the-barrel online people - by this I don't mean "likes anime" (sure just find a mildly geeky person IRL) but, you know, whatever weird individual quirks this or that nonna has. Ones which would get them labeled cows if they were expressed in an even halfway cringe way.
I personally always set out specific guidelines for my online relationships to give them a higher chance of success though. A situationship is not a relationship, just being flirty with someone doesn't count - it's only a potential relationship. Also meeting ASAP is necessary and meeting multiple times a year is a must, I try to aim for monthly but my current love interest is on another continent so that might be harder this time if my feelings lead anywhere. A few times a week voice/video is also a huge help, anything to make the transition to IRL as seamless as possible.
1) What if you're not interested in most people IRL? What if you just don't have much in common with a very significant amount of people such that it impacts in-person dating?
2) A situationship is, by definition, a pseudo-relationship that hasn't defined itself. You're literally not a situationship if you've defined what the dynamic is. An online relationship often fails, especially if you don't move immediately to take it offline, but your argument is just weird to me.
Most people aren't interested in every single person irl, you can't be friends or feel attraction towards everyone and that's totally normal but when you can't connect or socialize with ANYONE irl, then you have serious issues. Issues you can easily solve by getting mental help.
Sorry but I'm not going to coddle you and tell you your discord relationship based on your love for Japanese cartoons with a sore loser who only sees you two times a year is normal. It's just a cope for both sides.
Making a lot of assumptions here, including both how often we meet and my orientation. lol. The reasons I'm into the woman I'm pursuing are simple: we click incredibly well, she's very fun to talk to, we share many interests, and I find her very attractive especially in the personality department.>>303471
Or because they… meet someone they have a lot in common with, more than most people they meet in person? I also sort of have to laugh at the assumption that a moderately attractive literal trust fund baby (i.e. me) is "bottom of the barrel." Who I date is my choice, I choose to date people I can have interesting conversations with and connect well with. Like sure, I could find a normie who wants my money and finds me tolerable to look at enough to put up with my autistic ramblings, I'd also be bored and miserable in that dynamic.>>303472
I happen to like my interests, thx. I'm sorry you decide what you like based on some arbitrary standard of what you "should" enjoy, high school was over a decade ago for me though.
Or because they… meet someone they have a lot in common with, more than most people they meet in person?
Yes, and like anons keep saying - IF THAT IS THE CASE WITH YOU, YU HAVE SOME MENTAL/PERSONALITY ISSUES
If you can't connect to people in real life that's a problem with yu, Jesus, get it through your skull
My boyfriend is Chinese. I'd say you'll mostly encounter issues if this is a serious, long-term thing where you'll interact with his family a lot. Unless they're from HK the older relatives probably don't speak much English, so communicating with them will be hard if you don't speak their language.
Chinese people are generally pretty excited for westerners to do the bare minimum to learn Chinese customs or their language though, so you can get points with them by just learning simple words/phrases in whatever language their family speaks (or Mandarin if they speak a local language you can't find much info on). I also feel like they're much more lenient on westerners in general (I've felt uncomfortable with how harshly my bf's mom judges the weight/appearance of their female relatives, but somehow the family's standards are way more lenient on me just because I'm white).
Another thing is that if your partner isn't very westernised they might have politics you find really weird/outright find a dealbreaker, so you might want to carefully feel that out (obviously that can happen with any relationship, but with a Chinese person specifically there's more homogeneous views. You might want to feel out if they're misogynistic/racist/anti-democracy for example).
As for things I wish I'd known beforehand I just wish I'd known more Mandarin. I've been learning for a while now and I can get by, but it takes so long to learn a language that's so different from my own, even with classes + daily Duolingo + daily practice with bf.
Just fucking don't, unless he's seriously westernized and you can say with 100% certainty he isn't a misogynistic. Like that anon said, a lot of foreign men have harmful views of women and also allow their family to walk all over them and interfere in your relationship. >>303503
Oh, so you're just projecting, got it. Makes so much sense now.
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boyfriend doesn't want a christmas gift because "he doesn't believe in christmas" and also admitted he doesn't want to gift me anything. dump his ass?
NTA but she is right and it's not even projecting or dogpiling. Sugar-coating does nothing. LDRs rarely work out and the more people enable it as a valid
method of finding/sustaining a relationship the worse it will get. There are exceptions to it, of course, but this probably isn't one of them lol.
"Yikes" all you want, the anon in question clearly isn't remotely interested in genuine advice beyond just wanting to hear something to fuel her own narrative and further her own stupid decision.>ldrs are just crutches for people with mental health issues to avoid working on themselves
Was completely correct, many people who were in LDR will confirm this as it's a pseudo-relationship. The same as how having internet friends are rarely as fulfilling as irl in-person friends.
Well yeah, that anon in particular who identified as "hikki" is mentally ill and there's no debating that.
I just think it's silly to single out LDRs in particular when they're not the problem. Plenty of irl relationships don't work out because people never even really get to know each other. They go out to have fun, have sex, and barely communicate or talk to the person in front of them. Does that mean it's not worth dating? No. Whether a relationship works out is very dependent on both parties, and not so much the "type" of relationship. The internet is just another tool to help you find people you may be compatible with. Why is it so hard to believe that the right person for you might not be in your area, but in another state or other country entirely?
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he has never celebrated christmas due to family but admited not wanting to spend any money. i love him but this was disappointing. don't want to dump him, I have to be honest but the dustiness is too much
I know there are a lot of nonnies on here in LDR and I think it's kind of mean to just dismiss it entirely. I was in a LDR, we are now living together for several years, married and have a child. It wasn't for lack of men who were interested in me in real life, I was in law school and went on dates with different guys, so don't dismiss everyone in LDR as antisocial NEETs. I just didn't really click with any men locally the way I did with my now husband, we share so many hobbies and the same sense of humor. It just happens that way sometimes.
What I will say tho is that it is VERY HARD to make work and you have to be totally committed and make a lot of sacrifices. My husband moved to live in my country, he didn't speak the language so filling out all the paperwork fell entirely on me, getting him insurance, finding apartments, getting residency, taking him to see doctors etc. It is a big responsibility and effort. He works online which is a huge benefit for us that he didn't have to find a new job here. We are an american/euro couple so we don't have too too many cultural differences. I absolutely would never do this with a man from an entirely different culture. Just remember that one of you has to give up their entire life and the other has to be totally responsible for them.
>>303517>Why is it so hard to believe that the right person for you might not be in your area, but in another state or other country entirely?
Nta but most people live with hundreds of thousands if not millions upon millions of other people in the same city/state/country, imagine thinking you're that
special and unique that you can't find someone suitable out of an incomprehensible amount of people in your own area or even country lol
Is he gonna make it up by buying you a gift at other points of the year?
I can sort of understand not wanting to buy into the rampant corporate commercialisation of Christmas (although personally I think that falls into the category of trying too hard to appear intelligent, like jesus just have some fun), but he still should buy (or make) gifts for you every now and then to show he loves you and isn't just a tight-ass.
You sound like you want the immature type of relationship where you just have sex and party every once in a while instead of having something meaningful and lasting. If you're going to get involved with a man he should be willing to throw his life away for you. The fact that you would settle for anything less is sad.>>303538
Have you seen most moids? They aren't worth shit. It's sad but the odds are stacked against straight women. There is a very real chance that the millions of your moids in your area are irredeemable trash.
"If he's not in a relationship yet he's trash" Is a valid
argument only after you are 30.
gets it. I’m not religious either, but it’s a pretty holiday with lights and shit. Almost everyone I’ve ever met who makes a big deal about not celebrating x holiday because of “commercialism” is just cheap and will still buy lots of junk for themselves from Amazon.
I got shit-faced at a Christmas party and almost kissed a random dude while my bf was literally standing right next to us watching our conversation. Idk what happened, but it was like some sort of muscle memory kicked in and I leaned towards the other guy, then I caught myself doing it and stopped. I was aware of my bf looking at us, so I feel like there was 100% not an intention to cheat behind what I was doing.
Boyfriend was understandably upset and I’m mortified over my own actions. I was cheated on in my previous relationship, so me and bf have had so many conversations about cheating. I’ve never cheated on someone before or entertained the thought of doing it. He never expected me to do something like this, and I didn’t expect myself to do it either. I feel so embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I’ve been questioning my actions because even though I’m in a relationship, I enjoy a bit of flirting sometimes, but no touching or kissing or anything physical like that. Idk if that’s normal, or do I have a character flaw. In any case, I don’t ever wanna end up doing something like this again, so I’ve resolved to lay off alcohol for now. I know if I drink I’m not always “in control”, but I’m able to control that first decision to drink or not.
I’ve talked it out with my bf and he says he’s forgiven me and that time will tell if he can still trust me. I have so much respect for him, I’m wildly attracted to him and he’s been nothing but kind and understanding towards me, so I’m angry at myself for sabotaging something good. I don’t wanna seem like I don’t take responsibility for my own actions or how much I drink, but I would never in my life have done something like this if I hadn’t been so drunk. I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for. Do any other nonas have a similar experience with acting out when drinking too much? Or cheating and getting past it together?
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Got unexpectedly dumped by a moid I really loved a few months ago and now I’m talking to a new moid who seems fairly interesting. I’ve dated around enough and I want to just tell this new guy my expectations and that I don’t want to just coast and see where things go again. I want to find someone I can marry and have kids with. I’m sick of getting attached to men who either don’t want the same things or are too afraid of something real. I hate how the bar is so low that I even have to ask but how can I phrase it so that he knows my expectations but I don’t come across as “crazy”
Good on you for recognizing it’s the alcohol clouding your judgement and putting you in a vulnerable position of poor decision making by lowering your inhibitions. I think you’re working on yourself very well and had a good conversation about the incident with your bf after. I say stop the drinking or limit it before you get wasted at a social event. Just to show respect to your partner because you’re obviously smitten by him and don’t want to lose him. Just keep doing what you’re doing nonny
, he sounds like a keeper too and mature about it.
What kind of loser mentality is that? "There are women nicer and prettier than me so I'll just roll over and die" Get therapy.>>303554
Thanks libfem-chan, I'm sure your uncommitted scrotes give you lots of orgasms.
That anon here, for what it's worth I've never denied having a mental illness (high-functioning autism). lol
I just don't see why that means the type of companionship I want, which is based in large part (not exclusively) around shared interests, should be denied and why I shouldn't take advantage of a tool that lets me have that more easily.>>303524
Success stories like this are why. It's not something I'd likely do if I didn't have the money to make regular visits to a different country and a job that lets me transfer over to a branch in another city easily, but fortunately both of these things are true in my case.
I will say it's usually something semi-antisocial/semi-NEET people do, but there are huge exceptions and there are also various reasons behind why those semi-NEETs do what they do. And also at least in my particular case having to bring something to the table (she's marginally more successful than me but also has worse depression/could use encouragement) has been hugely motivating, it's one of several things that helped take me out of NEEThood actually.
oh we’re broken up for sure, i was dumped a couple days after he hooked up with his new love since the feeling of new pussy gave him the balls to do it i guess
i’ll def be treating him as a random roommate, really difficult though with all the memories of our r/s that was once good. and also my random bursts of rage lol
I have a boyfriend I didn't do anything with as of yet but nice try, e-whore. I'm not liberal either. >>303562
Most people in online relationships are scared of commitment or have issues connecting with people irl due to their mental illnesses/traumas. Look out for your friend, a friend of mine also met a guy online and he broke her heart so bad she's still not gotten over him.
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Met this guy via a gaming + caming website when I was whoring myself out to earn money (I look back on it and regret it). Got to know his voice before his face via discord calls, played a lot of video games with him, started to catch feelings for each other. Stopped being a whore shortly after I started dating him as he filled the sexual desires I needed satisfied.
After about a month we turned our cameras on while speaking, and he was a 10/10 feminine/masculine man. He looked like one of those greek god/angel dudes, see picrel.
Fast forward a year later, we moved in together, I work close to full time away from home, he works from home. He starts to be less affectionate, doesn't seem to want to talk or hang out as much. I get concerned so I go through his discord messages, find him telling another girl he wants to suck her tits and how horny he was for her, and a second person he was talking to trading femboy hentai pictures. When I confronted him he started sperging out, saying he couldn't have friends and that it wasn't that bad because it's only online hentai and sexting. I let it go because his family is loaded financially and mine is dirt poor, so even if he cheats on me at least I'd get to live in a million dollar home in the future I guess.
This sounds hilariously fake but if it's not>find him telling another girl he wants to suck her tits and how horny he was for her
how are you even surprised by this>even if he cheats on me at least I'd get to live in a million dollar home
there is a way higher chance of him murdering you than for this scenario to ever happen. you are retarded.
I'm past my hooking up days but back when I did I was similar, I didn't want piv. Ime I had a better time if I had one or two good meet ups with them and left it at that while things were still positive. More meet ups than that and men tend to have this mindset of needing to escalate things. If you're clear about piv being off the table then they'll find other ways to escalate. Ie asking you to partake in some weird kink that they've never told anyone about. That was the pattern I noticed. Oh I wont get fucked so maybe I can fuck them instead… shit like that. Would be great if they could enjoy oral and not have that coomer mindset of having to get more and more out of you over time.
I'd just politely say you had fun and that was all you were looking for, not an ongoing thing. Sounds like you had a positive experience. Good note to leave it at. And I wouldn't pursue friendship.
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i just suddenly feel like I want to end my relationship over something that is probably sooo petty. i feel like my girlfriend did something that was just so moidish i don't know how to respond but i also don't know if im in the wrong.
>In september, i make a surprise birthday weekend get away for my girlfriend
>She has a GREAT time and I end up getting her a private feeding session with an elephant (her fave animal) at a sanctuary where my cousin works as a zoologist.
>She tells me it's the best gift she's ever gotten.
Fast forward a few months
>I pass my defense and get my PHD
>I had the most stressful fall-winter of my life, lost a love one, and my defense was so stressful I'm still anxious after the fact.
>My birthday approaches this December, and after not hearing any plans from her I decide to plan myself a bday dinner for us and all of our friends to attend.
>two days before the dinner, I got a message from the restaurant saying they will need to cancel the reservation due to a scheduling error.
>I'm beyond stressed now because I have to cancel the dinner (meant for 10 people), and no where else is taking reservations in late December due to the holidays.
>I cry and vent some frustration about the situation to my gf
>she says "aww I'm sorry babe" and then goes back to playing her video games.
>later, she comes up to me and asks "hey so are we still doing anything like, on your birthday? or do you not have any backups?"
>I say "Uh no, dinner plans fell through and I guess that's that."
>she goes "oh ok" and plays her video game again.
She didn't make any plans for my birthday, and I'm bummed. She has a gift sure, but I thought maybe she could plan a nice dinner or make even some small plans. And her reaction to me even trying to plan dinner stuff while I was stressed out was met with silence. My problem and question is: Am I projecting expectations? She didn't ask me to do that stuff for her birthday, so for me to expect her to make plans might be me making unfair expectations.
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Guys how do I get over the feeling that if I break up with my boyfriend, I will be missing out on security and comfort? I may have trouble explaining bc I'v never been a person to think about this kinda stuff. My first boyfriend was a punk musician that hardly ever worked. Granted I was younger (18 now 23) so that may have been why. We got along really well and I thought we had the same values.
Now same with my current boyfriend but he is an engineer that makes 6 figures. Not rich or anything, but very comfortable, a very significant improvement. After I broke up with my first boyfriend, I raised my standard to no bums. I was not thinking of men making as much as my current boyfriend though (standard not high enough or low self-esteem?). I'm a wagie, back in school but like, still a wagie that will be lower-middle class at most in life. I met my current boyfriend by chance so I think our pairing is rare (I'm not super pretty) and I don't know where guys that make as much as him frequent. This would not be an issue if I didn't think guys with lower salaries are ruined for me now. No way to know for sure until I break up and start dating again of course, but it's a strong intrusive thought I get. Not sure if it's because if I break up I feel like I have to raise the bar and this one does feel impossible or because we planned alot together for the future I didn't know I was really enthusiastic about that I know won't be possible with a lower budget.
I also feel that I'll regret breaking up and should just be content that I have a guy that wants to keep me enough to hide that he's a degen. That ignorance is bliss, and I should be thankful he goes out of his way to provide that for me instead. That I should take things at face value and not go around him, otherwise I'll find what I was looking for and my unhappiness will be my own fault. That I should hold out longer, get married, then not fuck him anymore or divorce him and take some of his money. I need a bit of help getting out of this mindset
This isnt petty at all nonna. I would be pissed off too. She didn't even have to do something expensive or crazy for your birthday, it could have simply been something cheap and thoughtful or something related to your hobbies/stuff you like. It really is the thought that counts and she couldn't even give you that, so you are right to be pissed off by it. I would still have a conversation with her about it and be genuinely honest about your feelings - if she doesn't care or tries to turn it around on you then it's clear she's not as invested in the relationship as you are.
Some people are just genuinely bad at birthdays and planning stuff but if that was the case then she could have just asked if you wanted to go do something specific and just not have it as a surprise. That still shows thought and effort if she paid for it. But it seems video games are more important to her right now.
lol i was in a similar scenario when i was 17 with a 23 yr old. he made $$$, kept me comfortable + spoiled me, but i never "fell in love" and wondered if i'd be happier with a younger guy who made less (spoiler: yes.). now, my scenario may not exactly be like yours, but he was a pornsick scrote who made his money off of a porn game, and he was into really weird fetishes like breeding and stuff
the thing that caught my eye about your post was:>I have a guy that wants to keep me enough to hide that he's a degen
what do you mean by this? as mentioned, i was also in a similar scenario. also, does being with him grow you as a person? does he seem to genuinely care about you? do you do fun things together? how often do you hang out and does he talk about the long-term? is his money really
worth his company?
you're only 18… I was thinking of marrying that one scrote when I was dating him but after a year, I realized I wanted different and that the comfort wasn't worth it. since then I've had a couple relationships and found that variety is fun, dating is fun, especially when you're young. I recommend that you think about what it is that this man represents for you, how he adds to your life, and ask yourself how he sees you… it's ok to break up if something seems fine on paper but leaves you wanting more. don't marry a guy just to deadbedroom and divorce lol.
oops i did misread post.. pls disregard. it seems you are forcing yourself to view things from a materialist standpoint to avoid the emotional complications of finding out someone was different than the person you loved them as. this is not a money issue, this is a value issue>>303873
as this nonnie
mentions, wtf did he do and why are you planning to rely on this relationship for money? you plan on divorcing him now but you're only excusing his behavior now by staying with him.. don't you believe in love nonnie
Samefag as last reply
He also gets really jealous of any man around me and keeps asking me if there are guys interested in me, etc.
I've had a string of abusive realtionships as well as a neglectful, abusive childhood. Now i'm finally in a good, stable realtionship with a very kind, loving man…and now i'm the abusive one. Not purposefully, but i just dont know what is abusive or what is normal? To me, im not even being slighty rude, but he tells me nobody has ever talked to him as cruelly as i do. I guess my frame of reference is very skewed. Like my most recent ex would call me names, slap me, threaten to beat me, threaten to kill me, throw me out in the middle of the night etc when we argued, so to me being cold, distant, telling him to fuck off isn't even being mean. But I do realise now that to normal people it is mean and unacceptable, and that i need to work on myself. I just dont know how to bridge the gap between us.
My boyfriend is very patient with me and he tells me he knows its not really me, but my trauma making me this way. And that he is hopeful I'll learn how normal people act towards eachother, and that he'll support me. But I know I hurt him really bad and it makes me feel awful, and it also feels so foreign to me that a guy cares so much about my opinion of him that my words hurt him. I don't want to lose the first guy to treat me with so much love and respect due to my past.
Don't be harsh >>303901
, nonna was not socialized well, it's a LOT to unlearn.>>303897
Ideally, you'd work with a therapist on it, so you can discuss specific patterns and deal with them individually. You already go to therapy by yourself and that's great, but if you have the means to do it, consider seeing a therapist together with your boyfriend - maybe a third person could help you two gather a new insight and propose some case-specific solutions that could improve your communication.
In general, I think it would be good if you encourage your partner to initiate conversations about all unpleasant situations; of course in a gentle manner, just to help you notice the details of these. Actively put effort in analyzing and discussing every situation in which you're using abusive
language - why do you say these things? Where is it coming from? Why could you say instead? Try to notice when things get out of hand, if you can do it, try to remove yourself from a direct confrontation; take a breath, try to reframe things in your head before coming back to the conversation. Mirroring your partner, as other anon said, is a good idea too. Hope you could work on it more with your individual therapist too
Why is always the crazy abusive
schizos getting with the nice, understanding men? Wtf
Thank you for taking the time to write such an elaborate answer. Maybe you're right, that I should ask him if he'd like to join me for a therapy session. He has done that for his exes in the past. I already feel very ashamed for going to therapy so I think its incredibly humiliating to ask him to do that for me, but I suppose that also something I need to unlearn.
I'll ask him to sit me down like you said and have him detailed explain how and why I hurt him. He does gently tell me afterwards, but I do think sitting down and talking about it in a setting not loaded with emotions on both sides will be productive.
I'l try as you said to take a step back from the situation and think more objectively, not get so lost in my emotions. Its hard not to react impulsively, I struggle with that a lot, one reason is that my ex gave me brain damage so its been harder to not react so strongly after that.
Thank you so much for being kind to me and taking the time to help me, means a lot that a total stranger is so nice to me even after I've said I'm a horrible person
I ask myself the same often, but some of these men are understanding and (supposedly) loving like that because they are too shit and ugly/boring to be anything else otherwise, it's a dating and trapping strategy to avoid being alone and sexless. Like, ugly obese nerds etc. As the relationship progresses, they show their true colors. (It's even worse than dating a proper abusive
Well my boyfriend is hot as fuck, funny, generous, good morals, talented, sweet and hard working. Volcel before we met so not with me for sex.
Idk maybe he likes me and sees that I'm working on myself
In short, I have a history of sexual abuse. The main thing it "left" me with was the insecurity that I am not wanted or desirable even if someone is having sex with me. It snowballed into me desperately wanting to know what it feels like to be sexually desired and validated. I never slept around and have only been in 3 monogamous relationships my whole life. In all of them, I've been the high sex drive and the guy has been low sex drive and hasn't liked sex. This has screwed with my head, feeling like people only have sex to please me. Furthermore, each guy has always stressed how much they love me and how much they love talking to me more than anything else and this made me feel terrible about myself. Looking back, they did say I was attractive, too, but I feel like I haven't been able to believe thar part because I feel like I'm always dragging the guy around for sex. I also suffer from ugly duckling syndrome, I was considered very ugly growing up, then in college I became attractive enough that I got attention for it every day I went, my body actually matured, and I guess I'm now attractive but it feels unbelievable and fake to me even though I'm well past college. So, it is hard for me to think of myself as a woman that people might want to have sex with at all. I feel like there's women who are desirable and women who aren't and I'm stuck in the latter category. Now, my difficulty is, I know I need to reframe how I think because it is clearly not healthy for me. My goal I was a little girl was to get a guy that would want so much sex with me I would have to turn him down. But obviously, I'm not a girl who will ever get that. I pick partners who don't like sex. It's tough because guy 3 who I am with now, like the others, loves me so much, supports me, is my best friend, all that jazz. Yet I don't feel sexually desired by him. He says this is because he is scared to intrude on my boundaries. But I feel like that's a weak excuse. He tells me it is hard for him because I act "careful"/"scared" during sex which he thinks is because of my long history of abuse. But I feel like I'm normal, I don't feel scared of him, and I'm like, maybe that's just because you're a man and larger than me? It makes me sad thinking maybe I bring people not wanting to have sex with me upon myself because I was raped so much. He stresses it's no one's fault I'm like this, and yeah, maybe so, but I feel a bit miffed because I wish I kne this sooner as I've been telling him for years how important feeling sexually validated is for me.
And therein lies my question. How much of my problem is me and how much of my problem is my partners? Would it be possible for a woman like me to be sexually desired? Is that a desire I should try to snuff out? I have gone through many hobbies to stuff my feelings down on this but I always end up weeping for hours a couple of times a month about this exact issues. I don't know how I'd go about it head on. I feel like I have the opposite problem, men genuinely love and want to stay with me, but I don't want to be loved, I want to be lusted after. I get bitter when men in public or wherever tell me I'm attractive because I feel like if they were with me, they'd stop that and start babbling about how they like listening to my opinions or whatever. I feel like they wouldn't want to have sex with me. I question whether this wound of mine is really something I can rightfully impose on others to fill. I guess any thoughts on this are appreciated. I struggle with this specific form of pickmeism.
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>>304053>it would be unladylike to describe it>you really ought to meet more males
Right you should discuss how retarded I am with your obese discord boyfriend instead of crying itt about how anons manage to find normal men who don't want to use them or spend their free time fantasizing about abusing women like your incels do.
Also wtf. You replied so fucking fast I doubt you have an actual life. Youre one of those stuck at home losers who keep playing mommy for incels online aren't you? Then you get shocked anon manages to find someone who loves her because she didn't make herself a doormat as much as you did for all the men you've been with.
>>304051>All males are high libido
This isn’t true in my experience. In terms of evolution (I know, controversial), men are only high libido if introduced to an unlimited suply of novel partners, hence porn being so addictive to moids. There have been rat studies that support this claim. I know, humans are more complicated than rats, and I’m not suggesting it’s impossible for men to be monogamous, but they are sexually limited by their biology, which is to impregnate as many women as possible. After the honeymoon period ends it’s normal for men to mellow out and only want sex once a day or every other day.
Women are capable of being truly high libido. It’s much more common for us to be multiorgasmic. Like >>304043
said, men who are high libido are often porn sick or have mental issues. >>304025
Your post made me feel sad. It made me wonder to which degree you are satisfied when you're having sex with your partners, whether you feel emotionally connected/intimate. Do you watch porn? Maybe a solution would be to focus on your orgasm and let you have several of them before your partner cums? I know you want to feel desired, but you may have some unhealthy expectations. I think you might benefit from theraphy or looking at resources for people with hypersexuality, as it is common for people with trauma to be hypersexual. I hope you can find a way to feel fulfilled sexually and emotionally.
Recently met a guy who I could have sex with twice in a row and a little later he wanted a 3rd time but I was too tired
I love it its so attractive to me when a man still has his virility and hasn't shriveled up into a low t moid yet
This should be normal for men of decent health who aren't pornsick, when they meet a new partner. However it's unreasonable to expect them to be able to keep it up after x amount of time together, men simply aren't wired that way.
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Idk what is up with me. Now that I have been doing better and making progress with my self-improvement, I lose attraction to my boyfriend. I just stop wanting to interact with him as much and he starts to look unappealing to me. Meanwhile, I do still want a boyfriend for cute dates and cuddles etc. Also, he is one of the greatest people I've ever met with such an excellent soul. He would do anything for me. So wtf is up with ME?? I've rarely been calling him lately and haven't felt any remorse for just hanging up or denying calls. Pls answer more than simply "you're over him".
I am very particular. There are many superficial things I don't deem attractive about him, such as his hair, his fashion, some of his interests, his culture.
He could be more attractive and decent, if he put in the effort. He will only become uglier and worse if he doesn't start improving his lifestyle now. I take these things very seriously. I am concerned I will be even further out of his league if he doesn't change. I am also concerned I will not be attracted to him later on. And I am concerned for our children.
I try to counter these thoughts by practising humility as opposed to vanity. I also try to focus on the things I love about him.
Otherwise, our relationship circumstances have been very intense and unorthodox from the beginning. I have been healing from trauma and going through my journey of self-improvement, whilst also traveling much and not living in the same country as him for more than three months at a time.
Subsequently, my feelings and needs have been very intense whenever we were together, either due to my trauma or us not seeing each other a lot and then suddenly spending every day together as if we were married.
Even now, whenever I feel sad, afraid, distressed, I think of him and crave his company. A trauma response.
The significant changes I am experienceing in my wellbeing are extremely different from who I've always been during our relationship. I think this contrast is what causes my severe apathy, like a pendulum swinging to the opposite side. Over time, maybe this will even out and I'll reach an equilibrium.
Sorry for the formatting and repost, I just wanted to organise my thoughts a little better
From all you've elaborated on it really sounds like you are over him but there's another thing:
when people in relationship (romantic or friendship!) work on self improvement, even if they both do so, the progress almost never happens at the same pace, and it's completely natural that their life paths diverge. Given you don't say that he's trying to improve himself, it means you outgrew him, and going back to what he offers now, would be counterproductive for your own growth. So either he puts in the work and you help him along and wait some more until you're in a similar place, or you break up to not waste the time any longer. If things stay like they're now, it will just get worse for you though.
>>304136>after a few years
it was less than one year. We went from having sex once every day or two to once every month or two. He was like “this happens sometimes, it’s temporary, don’t worry about it.” It doesn’t seem temporary. just getting worse. It feels like he doesn’t see me as a sexual being at all.
My last relationship was five years long and we had sex at least once a day the entire time so I don’t buy that this is normal. I think he’s broken his dick and brain with alcohol and porn.
I am sorry Nonnie
, but it seems like he’s not attracted to you. You should talk or break up with them. You deserve someone who actually wants to be with you, including sexually.
It's normal for this to happen at around the three year mark, but at less than a year this is very concerning. Not having sex daily, okay, maybe. There are all kinds of reasons why someone might have a dip in sexual interest. Your partner should be regularly interested though.
I'd talk with him first, there's some chance he's going through a depressive episode or something, but breaking up really might be the best option.
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What can I say to help establish my expectations and boundaries early on in a new dating prospect? I’ve been talking all week with this guy I met on an app and while everything seems like it should be going up in flames (I just got out of a relationship where the breakup devastated me, meeting on Tinder of all places, he’s a tech bro) but he’s been very nice and very easy to talk to so far. We’re having a really great conversation which is very important to me in a relationship. I’m meeting him irl on Saturday so obviously feelings can change but I really like talking to him. I am emotionally incapable of casual sex. I could see myself getting very attached to him but I don’t know how to tell him I’m all or nothing at this point. I really want a long term relationship that leads to marriage and kids and I want to convey this to him without scaring him off. I’ve had two major relationships that were so loving and great in a lot of ways but major incompatibilities tore us apart and I really can’t do it again. I just want to weed out these things as early as I can this time and cut my losses before I fall in love again.
I’m sorry nona. What I was trying to say is I believe expecting a moid to want sex 3 times a day is a bit unreasonable, most aren’t able to, but I was going to suggest waiting a couple of day to see if he still doesn’t initiate. If he doesn’t, he’s probably getting off in other ways like other anon suggested. I know mind games like that are exhausting and shouldn’t be necessary though. Like other anon said, you might be better off finding someone more compatible.
I know the pain of not feeling pursued by your partner. I was with a moid who never initiated sex, but would get off in secret to IG-models of all things. In my current relationship, I made my views on porn clear (I feel lucky in that he actually initiated the convo himself and was aware of some of the negative impacts of porn). He told me he didn’t want to watch it any longer, and I more or less told him that sex is important to me, and if it ever impacts his performance I won’t be there anymore lol. I’m not particularly attractive, but we have sex every time we meet up (4-6 times a week) and initiate roughly the same amount. I think there is a moid out there for you too who would love to have sex with you, but unfortunately so many men today are ruined by porn.
Don't take this advice >>304228
. Sorry if im wrong but that anon sounds like very inexperienced on the dating scene or a larping scrote specially with that "the blame is yours if he treats you bad". If you say that you date to marry and he is a bad guy, he will feed your illusion until he gets want he wants and will leave you after that. The best thing you can do is set boundaries but dont do direct instructions on how to manipulate you. > I don’t know how to tell him I’m all or nothing at this point
Dont tell him! At worst you will be manipulated and at the best you will sound desesperate. Ask him about what he thinks about ltr, marriage, kids with a cold aproach. Do this as if you dont care about these things and wait for his answer. i'm saying this because men's whole lives they are taught to pretend to be a different person than they are in order to get sex. If he's a guy who just wants to use you, he'll pretend he sees a future with you too. Weed out toxic
scrotes by being more smart than them. Besides that, be safe and i hope you have a great saturday!
>>304218>hence why they coom to porn - infinite new partners
Do you really think women don't get off to novelty too? They difference is that they have self-control. Hell, I can masturbate to smoking hot bishounen every day but I don't because I love my nigel and would rather use that energy on him. Most men are broken by porn, and they don't care about fostering true intimacy with their partners. A lot of them jerk off because it's "easier" than being forced to care about pleasing their partners. What you're talking about sounds like evo psych broscience.
>Thus the nonas in here who expect their male to want sex 1-3 times a day
It is possible, at least once a day until you both get old and crusty possibly. Stop telling people to settle for retards who would rather jerk it to porn and throw pity sex to their gfs every week or something.
>>304238>Do you really think women don't get off to novelty too?
Never said that. I'm saying men can perform several times in the same day when introduced to new partners. It typically evens out after staying with the same partner for some time. They're not gonna nut 4 times the same day after 6 months together. Women can come however many times. Men are biologically limited. Again, this behaviour has been observed in rats. I'm sorry anon.
>Stop telling people to settle for retards who would rather jerk it to porn and throw pity sex to their gfs every week or something.
Reading comprehension is not your strongest trait.
Adding to >>304242
, the reason I’m saying this is because I took issue with you saying only males have high libido (although I personally dislike the high/low libido dichotomy). I am in a relationship where we have sex close to daily (don’t live together yet), sometimes twice if it’s a day off. I have some hypersexual tendencies and idealistically I would love to have sex with him all day every day, but I realize my thinking can get a bit obsessive and that this is an unhealthy expectation on my end. I could break up with him and find someone who was obsessed with sex and willing to fuck constantly, but I’d expect such a guy to be damaged in some way and we'd fuel each other's degeneracy. I’m happy to be in a relationship with a guy who isn’t pornsick and have steady vanilla sex with him. I think it’s an ideal situation where we both feel desired.
I didn’t mean to imply anons should settle for infrequent sex. I misread OP as wanting her bf to constantly jump on her for sex several times a day, which I think after a certain point in your relationship is unusual, or a symptom of underlying issues. I think it’s reasonable to want to have sex daily while in a relationship and feel desired by your partner. People are different in terms of how often they want to have sex, but I think if you're in a relationship where you aren't sexually compatible you shouldn't waste time on it.
>>304242>Again, this behaviour has been observed in rats.
And?>They're not gonna nut 4 times the same day after 6 months together.
If they can do it with porn, they can do it with their long-term partner too. You're right in the sense that a lot of men can really only get off to novelty, but imo that's a learned behavior or a sign of a personality defect. Like I said, if he has self-control and hasn't completely obliterated his dick and mind with porn, he can easily please his partner just as much or more than he would masturbate in one day.
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this guy I’m casually seeing texted this to me after I followed up about the date we were supposed to go on later tonight (that he planned). is it over between us or is this normal kinda or is my bpd ass acting up I’m so unexperienced & naive when it comes to men. ty
I’m this nonnie
checking back in. Thank you to those who encouraged me to reach out, we have plans to go out after the holidays!
He’s a lil more awkward than I remember, but he’s sweet, and hopefully that means he’s not as inclined to be a player. I’m game to at least give things a try regardless.
that’s what I thought. I just tend to overthink ig
It's kind of shitty that you had to be the one following up if he planned it, but also people can have off days so I'd forgive it once.
If it starts becoming a pattern I wouldn't bother getting invested though.
You are not insane nona, you are just going through a shock. Part of your mind still has not come to terms what he has done and it is normal since it is not something you expect when you are in loving relationship.
Also I am so sorry, keep strong and have faith in yourself. You are definitely not pathetic, you are just a human while he is lower than scum.
>>304202>I'd talk with him first, there's some chance he's going through a depressive episode or something
we have a few times over the last few years & yeah, he is depressed. Our life is stressful for external reasons and getting more so, plus there’s other things at play like him having gained a lot of weight (we don’t talk about this) and him still being an alcoholic while I’m nearly three years sober (we don’t talk about this either). It’s rough. >>304175
you might be right. I don’t know. If I knew that for sure then I’d know what to do but right now I’m still in limbo hoping his depression will lift one day & I’ll get my boyfriend back. I hope I’m not wasting my time.
It’s funny you discredit scientific studies all the while claiming moids need to get their dick wet exactly once a day or they’ll lose control and start beating their meat. I would like to see your sources on this.
>If they can do it with porn, they can do it with their long-term partner too
I think this is where your frontal lobe gets over activated and you stop following me
>he can easily please his partner just as much
Yes, I adressed this further up. It's besides the point.
Again I don't disagree with your general gist that males who don't pursue their partners are probably hiding masturbation haibts/porn use. You're just being painfully autistic about it.
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Thanks for all the advice nonnies, I gave him his stuff with my best friend and a male cousin (in a public place). But even then he went off, insisting I stole something from him (I didn't), that he absolutely needs to see my flat again, he also said he installed some kind of GPS to track me, implying I've been "going to clubs" (never been to one…) to whore around, etc. My cousin stepped in and I left with my friend. The following day he sent me a long ass e-mail about how I remind him of his mother, how he'll love me despite my avoidance, he diagnosed me with BPD (I genuinely don't think I have any BPD symptoms). It all happened seemingly at once, and it was something I never expected from him! I'm so glad I went with everyone's advice instead of inviting him back to my place. Jesus christ. Now I'm kinda worried because he knows my address and workplace, I also live by myself, so I'm thinking of installing an extra lock for the time being.
>>304410 >insisting I stole something from him (I didn't), that he absolutely needs to see my flat again, he also said he installed some kind of GPS to track me, implying I've been "going to clubs" (never been to one…) to whore around..
The irony in how hes acting himself and him having the nerve to diagnose you with bpd is just.. insane. Glad you didn't let him near your flat again. If he pulls any more shit on you at least now you have witnesses to just how crazy he is. Your cousin and friend can vouch for that.
Save all the crazy sounding messages that you have from him, in case he keeps this up and you need to contact police.
I don’t think I am full blown BPD, but I def have some emotional dysregulation issues. I struggle with knowing whether my feelings are justified or not. I’ll bottle things up for too long and go around sulking until I have a minor meltdown instead of communicating clearly in the moment. I assume people know how I feel and that they do things on purpose that annoy/upset me. I know it’s toxic and passive agressive. Even when I cognitively catch myself doing this, my emotions have already started running haywire and I get anxious. I’m also prone to addictive behaviour, which again is tied to emotional dysregulation, although thankfully I've never actually had a substance abuse disorder.
Today I brought up some grievances with my bf. He felt I was being unfair, and in return he told me how I made him feel and cried a bit. I thanked him for letting me know, and I think we were able to talk it out, but I had to leave for work and now I’m sitting here sad and horny because we didn’t get to fuck today. I realize something is wrong with me, and probably him too. Tbh I feel like our relationship isn’t optimal, but he’s easygoing and reliable and I have an addiction to his dick.
How are some peope so good at relationships? Are there any resources for getting better at communication, and how do you know whether your feelings are rational or not? Has any nonas struggled with things like this and gotten better at it?
friends for years, dating for one year>>304702
I think he knows what's up since tonight before he left he asked if he did anything wrong. When I told him days ago what I was feeling. Honestly feel like he's playing dumb at this point
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You left out the funniest part
we’ve lived together for about 18 months? but we did long distance for two years and have currently been long distance again for a couple of months. with how the timelines
worked out this is the first time we’ve celebrated her birthday together though
I talked to my boyfriend about how he needs to initiate sex and about how I'm sick of initiating.
Well, it's been 2 weeks later and he basically is the same, only now he acts "concerned" if we don't have sex. But he hasn't changed his behavior in terms of initiating. I literally got naked in the front of him yesterday and stood in front of him multiple times. Eventually I told him I wanted to have sex, that's why I am getting naked. He responded with the fact I often get naked so how does he know it's an invitation. I told him I'm ALWAYS ready and want sex, especially if I'm naked.
I guess I just need to accept sex isn't a thing that will ever be asked of me. He doesn't watch porn, I've gone through our modem, data, etc. so I know for a fact he isn't. Idk how else to phrase things for him. He says he isn't a mind reader. But I've asked him to initiate so many times. He says he feels bad about himself because as a man, you need to initiate and you feel unwanted. Well, maybe that was your experience in the past with others, but I've always fucking initiated and maybe I want to feel wanted for once. I wish there was something I could do that would fix this situation. He's an excellent partner in every other way.
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I have been doing lots of therapy and working on myself to better my relationship. At a few points lately Ive felt hopeful I will be able to change and ask for what I need too. But the past couple weeks Ive been hanging out with my bf's brother. He's been in therapy too and we've been opening up to each other a little about our mental health experience. We get together to go to the gym 3 times a week. We dont work out at the same place in the gym but during the 10 min drive there and back we do talk. Ive found myself looking forward to those drives. I also had a sex dream about him. So this stupid butt crush or whatever is a thing, even though I feel so ashamed to admit it. Its so exciting but l also feel like an evil person feeling anything and my hope in the relationship progress and my development feels so shaken. Idk if I expect advice but can any other nonners relate
ty for your reply anon. I really appreciate it. Knowing you recognized the crush later as a true goblin makes me hopeful Ill feel differently later. im glad things are better now.>>305171
Im not having feelings persay. I have bpd and dont differentiate between infatuation and intimacy very well. I feel admiration toward the brother more than lust or desire
You can approach the subject carefully, use specific examples instead broad ideas to explain why do you think it this and not other way; there's a chance he will come around more or less on this specific subject. For example, even if this is where you stand, don't jump into saying "JKR is right and I support everything she says and does", but say "I actually find the idea of female only shelter good because some women who experienced trauma really need this to feel secure; and for others there's the second, inclusive shelter so nothing is taken away from anyone"; and then if needed, have a discussion on it. Your boyfriend is a guy, of course he has zero idea how it looks from a woman's perspective, but if you will be willing to spend time on explaining it to him, maybe he would understand it better.
In general, I think there are some ideological differences that just cannot coexist, but a topic of troons - as long as your bf not trooning out - shouldn't necessarily interfere with your life together.
Most men don't really know what troons are actually like, because they don't have to interact with them. I agree with >>305210
, you should lean into it slow. You could maybe even explain how the word woman is being erased, because tras would rather use dehumanizing language like "birth-givers" or "uterus-havers", which you find is harmful to your personhood.
terfisaslur.com is good peaking material, but it might be too much right out of the gate. Even though these are all real situations a lot of TRAs like to cry "propaganda!"
Anyone I know who is already pretty tattooed (myself included) would jump at the opportunity of being gifted one. Even people I know who've really slowed down on getting tatts.. they still tend to have ideas in the back of their head for possible future ones if money were no object someday. Tbh I get why you thought this would be a good idea.
Its fine that he doesn't want it after all but weird that he doesn't understand your worries about keeping a good relationship with your artist. There's also a way to turn down a gift and not leave the other person feeling like an ass for trying and not hitting the mark. Nobody should leave you feeling this shitty for getting them the wrong gift. An attempt was made, and tattoos aren't cheap either.
I mean, I enjoy sex. It's a bit strange to me to view it your way. Should I be "giving" sex in exchange for commitment instead of engaging in it because I like the act? How is it me being used if the benefit I get from it is also the sex? We were sexually exclusive and that's the important thing to me due to STDs.>>305836
Thank you. I'm trying to think of it as taking the time to rewire my neural pathways. I'm used to a certain thing so will automatically reach for it, but it will take some time to create a new pattern of thought and way of being, it was a habit for 1.5 years after all. I'm already feeling better about it!
In a fuck buddy situation, both the man and the woman are putting themselves in risk most of the time. Sure women are more in risk but it's not a win for the man either since a man who'd be able to be fwb with a woman could also date a woman which is less risky for both his mental and physical health.
I knew a girl who had five male fwbs but I'm quite sure she's passed some STDs onto them. A lot of people with fwb lie about being exclusive while fucking other people on the side which causes them to carry STDs around.
Also having sex without being romantically exclusive isn't a good thing for mental health of either gender. There are studies showing men who have had more sexual partners for example are more likely to have their marriages end in divorce.
Then again most people who get in fwb situations are the ones who are too ugly or socially retarded for normal relationships so they don't have much to lose aside from STD factor.
I'm at a loss as to what to try.
Currently in my first romantic relationship, we've bee together about 2 years and generally we get on well, don't argue much and at first the sex was nice. In hindsight I'm realising that I probably enjoyed the sex because it was novel to me, as I'd been a virgin before this point. Recently though the amount of sex has dropped, it's probably been like 2 to 4 months since the last time. At first he seemed fine with it, but now it's becoming a common thing for him to bring it up in almost every conversation, making 'jokes' about how he doesn't get laid and how I'm not interested in him anymore. I've explained that I'm really stressed and mentally drained balancing work, university and everything else in life. I'm not remotely interested in sex anymore, it doesn't cross my mind. I feel perfectly happy continuing a relationship like normal just without the sex personally. He on the other hand is becoming more whiney about it, and he told me the other day that my lack of libido was disappointing to him. On top of his recent mental health problems, and I try so hard to be great and supportive in every other aspect of our relationship. I don't understand why he's fucking the whole thing up for what amounts to 2 minutes of him grunting and me staring at the wall.
Is there any way of salvaging this? I don't know if there's anyway to kick start my sex drive, or if I even want to do that. I just don't know what to do.
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My bf had a female friend who he cut off entirely because she was bullying me and sharing our private lives with his ex. She sort of has her whole hand in his friend group though, and she has completely cut us off from that group. They celebrated new years without us which really upset us both (as his other friends are great). How do I fix this? I'm fine with not seeing them, but I want him to be able to see his friends as they have known each other for years.
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I'm in a retarded situation.
My boyfriend is quite older than me and was a victim of abuse most of his life. He's a "quitting" alcoholic, depression lifer with shit sense of communication, he resorts to stonewalling and gets anxious when I try to get serious.
Mostly I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore, he's always been into offensive jokes/deadpan shit and I was glad to find a man who's still educated and left wing but far from the gendie bs.
He was just pissed with me talking during a movie so he shook me by the shoulders and asked if anyone's ever hit me before, I said no and he said someone should have at this point. I let him know the next day that joke made me uncomfortable and he didn't apologize, but he retreats the second there's any serious communication anyway.
I don't know if this is abuse or if as he says I take things too literally, don't have a sense of humor or am too sensitive. I've already been told to "just leave" but I'm terrified of being alone, leaving him alone, etc. It's not that simple and the majority of the time he's lovely, but I keep replaying this moment in my head and I don't know what to do
I know leaving wont be simple for you, but it is the only thing I advise doing. He absolutely will hit you one day, without a shred of doubt in my mind. I've been in physically abusive
relationships before. It's fucked and so hard to deal with. You can't control them, and they always escalate. I think when you try to leave him, he will suicide bait you into trying to stay, but don't listen. Just tell him since he's so suicidal, youll call the police to do a wellness check on him, etc… I guess what I'm saying is make an exit plan quietly, make a place for yourself to go and try and get out. Sister, there's no saving guys like this. When you're out, you'll feel so much better, but the first parts are the hardest.
I won’t advise you to leave but I will advise you to scope out apartments for rent and always have the amount of money required to sign a new lease and move into one on your own independently from your bf.
Also, reach out to some other people in your life (today or tomorrow maybe) and make casual plans with them. Make time for lunch or a movie you don’t want to see alone or just pop over to their house for a walk, hang time, whatever. Doesn’t matter who it is, it could be a friend or your grandma or whoever.
And you keep thinking women don’t deserve to get off during sex and should lie their and take it like this the 50’s. >>306121
Most “abused scrotes” weren’t abused and even even if they were. They aren’t women. They were never at the power disadvantage we were. A dude being called stupid isn’t the same as a women being called a worthless inset slur sex based word because of power dynamics too.
Be careful he’s not DARVOing you anon. The scrotes I know who claimed abuse were the abusive
ones. They took a long time, but it was always the scrotes that claimed they were abused who thought it was okay to scream or hit or have a mantrum that ended with tears and accusations from them because of muh abuse.
I would leave but you do you. Please be safe and no one should ever joke about hitting you. That’s a huge red flag. How would he feel if you responded, “yeah someone should have hit your harder and then maybe you wouldn’t say that shit either.”?
Thanks for your insight. Thankfully we don't live together but there is this risk that he might go on a major food/alcohol binge or hurt himself if I leave (probably without even telling me). I'm trying to reach out to people to do some other things and find some sanity but I feel confused and like my heart's pulled in all directions. He's quitting smoking this week and it's making him particularly grumpy (through text at least). I don't know why I miss him or why I keep getting the urge to check on him. I wonder if there's an element of pernicious manipulation I didn't see and that has me stuck in this now.>>306167
I wish he was lying, his family were hicks who beat the hell out of him and drilled into his head he was worthless and the like until he was able to get away for education. If I'd responded to his joke like that he probably would've deadpan shrugged & said they should have. Obviously this would've been a lot worse if he'd been a woman though.
I don't know if it counts as DARVO when for instance yesterday I broke down and told him I felt I was never good enough and he's never happy, and all he did was say that indeed he's never happy, saying "that's making me anxious"/"what's with the whinging now", hiding his face with a pillow. He did hold me when crying and when I was done, tried to defuse the atmosphere with a joke like "we should send you to the army, that'd toughen you up".
I know I'd never let a friend be treated like this and I don't fucking know why I can't "just leave", I'm mad at myself and deeply sad. I'm scared and I have no idea why I got feelings for him.
4.5yr age gap is nothing on paper BUT your actual ages are cause for concern in my experience. I would say proceed with extreme caution and touch base with friends often about this guy.
Things that could be happening (but maybe aren’t)
-he’s attracted to you because you’re in a lower grade and he’s already starting to put off growing up / planning his future (gap year could support this theory)
-he’s shopping for virgins and will drop you after sex
-He has unresolved feelings for an ex from when he was around your age/grade and he’s reliving it with you
I have seen these happen in real life with 18-19/23-24 age gap situation you guys have. One of the guys literally had a gap year too which he seemed to think made him younger when in fact it made him older than the juniors he kept dating (male logic lol).
Fact is most people stick closer to their own age in college if only because you have more in common to talk about. He’s your senior and there is a social gap in an academic setting. So you have to find out why that’s not an issue for him.
I mean juniors as in anyone in lower grades. Sorry forgot that was a third-year grade title
On the upside if he’s nice and not a fucked up creep he can help you with your homework since he probably did some of it already lmao
His abuse isn’t an excuse. I only pointed it out because I know a lot of women who give extra sympathy to men because they “were abused”. I know a man who had the living shit beat out of him as a kid and now he throws his pregnant girlfriend into walls, but people making excuses and don’t help her because he was beat as a child. I don’t give an inch to men till I know their shit is in line because I grew up severely abused and beat to shit. The excuse doesn’t fly with me. Can it be an explanation sure, but it is never an excuse for him to harm anyone else. That’s what I want clear. The second you abuse someone else you aren’t the victim
anymore you are the abuser.
He sounds unfortunately like the type that had the empathy beat out of him as a child. You can’t fix him. He needs therapy and real help and even then childhood trauma sits with you. Him pushing his feelings on you doesn’t sound intentionally manipulative but it’s still codependent and is pushing you out of being able to feel yours if it makes you feel like you can’t be upset or have feelings because you have to take care of him.
You reminded me of the words my sister told her ex husband right after the divorce. “You always tell me you’re unhappy. You were unhappy with me and it was my fault. You’re unhappy without me and it’s my fault. Maybe you’re just an unhappy fucking person and it has nothing to do with me.”
I second the trauma bonded thing.
Of course ♥
men can be abused. It’s just never an excuse to be an abuser or mistreat someone else, even when men are abused. Just in case I need to say it.
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Abuse is generational and cyclical so if anything him being abused is more of a red flag than a reason to sympathize with him if he is exhibiting troubling behavior, sorry. That sort of thing is too logical for the heart to accept but it's true.
Not to blog but as an example: father was definitely severely abused, he even told me he was molested (which he apparently never told anyone else), but he turned around and did the exact same thing to his wife and kids. I felt bad for child-him but adult him was a monster.
Get out now.
Pretty innocent of >>306187
to rationalize her moid's actions as if he was a woman. Most abused women become victims
later in life, men don't, they turn into abusers, because again, they are men: they are bigger, stronger and commit 99% of crimes, if he wants to destroy, abuse and kill he can
do so and nobody but other men can stop him. Get out while you still can
lol no it’s pickmes and scrote worshippers who always attract the worst kind of men
Pickmes have no self respect and always attract the most fucked up abusive
sorry in advance for this being long. i feel embarrassed admitting this, but i cant bring myself to get rid of my ex. we’ve been broken up for about four years now, but we still constantly hang out and say we’re in a relationship for the sake of convenience as his friends think it’s weird to be friends with your ex. i’ve known him for nearly seven years and he is my only current irl friend and connection to other people. for some context, for the last three years i’ve had severe depression and only started recovering a year ago. through my whole depression, he was the only person that was there for me and i really appreciate him for that. However, and i hate saying this, im starting to realize that he’s not a good person and i should probably get him out of my life. about two years ago is when i first noticed that he had anger problems. he started to become irritated when i had bouts of depression and cried. he would call me stupid for crying over small things, but would become angry at me for not tell him what i was crying about. when i was having severe episodes, i would go basically mute and wouldn’t be able to respond to anything and despite trying to explain this to him it would just piss him off every time it happened. it just got worse and worse until one day we got into a disagreement about what i was wearing and he punched a hole in my wall. i cant even remember what i said to upset him. i never bring it up to him anymore because he gets angry at me for “holding onto it”. he never hit me with his hands, but he did hit me hard enough to make me bruise with a blunt object because i didn’t want to go out with him somewhere when i was anxious. even though he apologized and feels guilty, i feel like these things shouldn’t even happen in the first place. there’s other fucked up things that he did but this post is already so long. this year, i found out he was doing disturbing stuff behind my back. a few months ago he just admitted to sexting someone, which normally would be fine but he said that he was sending them explicit photos of me and saying that i was a “college slut” who slept with other people because that’s apparently his fetish. this shocked me because this person was a mutual acquaintance and i also haven’t slept with anyone besides him. and that was years ago. so to know that this person now thinks i sleep around.. i don’t know. it feels violating. but he said that he stopped so i forgave him. i feel spineless. the worst part is, i cant get rid of this feeling that i’m indebted to him. he bought me things, helped me clean, spent time with me and i’ve known him for so fucking long. i remember when he wasn’t such an asshole, but maybe i’m just seeing things through rose colored glasses. i don’t know. is he abusive? i don’t even know if i could call him that. i just think i need to be away from him.
>>306339>i feel embarrassed admitting this, but i cant bring myself to get rid of my ex. we’ve been broken up for about four years now, but we still constantly hang out and say we’re in a relationship
I did not need to read past this. You, and I, and everyone, know what kind of situation this is. If you were formally together in some fashion, I'd say it's even worse.
You know it's unsustainable already, and you have probably noticed that "unsustainable" in repeatedly broken relationships is never a thing in stasis, but what gets worse.
In life you get out before the worse, or you throw away chunks of life in return for useless self-abasing pain that lingers as self-esteem-killing remorse. Be strong.
Nona, that is literally a textbook toxic
relationship. You must be in it too deep to see it. No one looking from the outside would think it was normal.
make a plan to cut this man off, block him on everything and make sure your finances aren't connected and you change your locks if you have to or literally move and don't tell him. Is there anyone else in your life that you have some trust in? a teacher, a relative, a neighbor, a coworker? if there is please reach out to them for support if possible. if you can confide in anyone don't be embarrassed; you are trapped in an abusive
relationship with a man who sends your nudes to other people (he is definitely still doing that btw) and is violent, it's not your fault. you can exit this relationship, I believe in you.
This type of situation only ever exists when the scrote is too ugly and sexually unappealing to find someone else, so he resorts to a pretend-to-love-and-care routine breakup after breakup. Until another dumb bitch comes along, which of course they do, eventually. So many miserable single mothers who deluded themselves over emotionally untrustworthy little shits>>306351
Bless your heart.
It's healthier for both of you to just move on. IMO if you stick around like you're doing, you're probably just giving him false hope and keeping him from moving on himself.
It's his prerogative to seek help if he feels he needs it, you can't do everything for him, you're not his mother and you're not his girlfriend anymore.
The only major difference is that he lives in student accommodation and I don’t (which is very normal where I live). We can both drink and neither of us have a car. He’s definitely a little more independent than me (he earns more and he lives in the city), but it’s not a bigger difference than would be between me and someone my age who lives alone.>>306191
I’ll keep an eye out for the things you mentioned. I don’t think he’s “shopping for virgins”, though. We slept together and his attitude towards me hasn’t changed, and he didn’t make a big deal about my virginity at all (he kept asking to make sure I was alright and we chatted about it very briefly afterwards as he was curious to know how I felt about it, but that was it).>Fact is most people stick closer to their own age in college if only because you have more in common to talk about
This is generally true but we enthusiastically share some pretty specific interests that are quite uncommon, so I find we have much more to talk about than I do with a lot of my peers. I’ve always had a lot of friends at least a year or two older than me so it doesn’t really feel strange.
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Decided to try my hand at a tinder hookup for the first time a few months after a really life altering breakup (8 year LTR and we were engaged for 7 months) Meet up for drinks and discover a faint chemistry and I find out he has crazy sexual stamina and leaves me sore (which seems novel and cool at the time because my ex had erectile dysfunction and wouldn't even fuck me)
We've gone on 4 dates with a similar, meet eat drink go home netflix and chill vibes but as things progress it's all just making me kind of sad. He's really established career wise and mostly pretty normie, I think even if we did date normally I think our lifestyles would clash. He hates some of my favorite foods, is allergic to my cat, but I'm getting more and more endeared to him.
Plus I think being touch starved and oxytocin deficient has makes me miss my ex more because when I'm with this new guy my brain is getting all the good feelings it remembers from my old relationship but also focusing on the ways this new guy gives me the ick and would be a poor fit so it's just getting confused.
I guess this is a good trial for what situationships await me in casual dating. I'm wondering if it's worth it to end things for the reason "I like you despite my better judgement which knows you're mediocre". We'll see.
I really don't think I will ever stop being insecure, I have tried working on that for like 10 years now and even after lots of self improvement I am still horribly insecure.
I didn't even think about this tho before we went to a different country together during the summer where all the women dressed VERY skimpy and suddenly I was hyper aware of these women and that my bf must be noticing this too. There was one time we saw a woman whose ass was falling out of her shorts and he did turn his head after that one. I was so hurt to see that. He hasn't done it since, because he knows I would be upset, but ever since then I have been hyper aware of other women around us. I also remembered that he once told me he used to live in a country where women dress very sexy and that he liked that. Where we live now it is not AS bad, but even in the winter there are women walking around in tight yogapants and crop tops FFS. It makes me dread leaving the house with him at this point because I wonder if he's getting a boner looking at some woman bending down in front of us at the cash register or whatever. It doesn't help that I have read so many things about men being creeps who follow women around for miles just to watch their ass. Hell there used to be an entire site owned by the people from "People Of Walmart" That was dedicated to creepshots of women out in public in yogapants.
I just hate men and I kind of hate these women too. Maybe I should just move to the middle east.
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Yeah I think you're right. With me and my ex it was a lot of things that lead to it, he was the one who dumped me- it mainly boiled down to us both struggling a lot with failure to launch in adulthood and being codependent, probably weighing each other down. He proposed to me and then regretted it bc he thought I would say no. Them's the breaks!
BUT I have an update about the tinder guy, I think he might be fully still dating his ex. Basically last time we hung out he got a call on the car phone while driving from someone with a girl's name and seemed to panic a bit but played it off. He gave me his spotify so I could do a blend of our music taste and found his friends list and got the name of the girl who called him and looked her up on FB and she has a ton of pictures of the two of them still up and they're still listed in a relationship on FB with each other in their profile pics. It's actually really creepy how many of his tinder photos have her cropped out. And weird that he would be that careless about it?
What he told me was that they recently broke up months ago and don't talk. But that's sus as fuck right? I know nowadays everybody is in an open relationship or doing ENM and shit but you gotta disclose that. It's so funny that my instincts were like "this feels off" but couldn't identify exactly why.
Caught between two moids, help nonnacitas
>in relationship for 2.5 years
>8 year age difference (he's older yes red flag #1)
>he moved me in less than 3 months after we met (yes red flag #2)
>however i have very severe mental issues and he created a VERY stable environment for me, supported me financially so i could save my entire paycheck or spend it on what i want
>discouraged me from going anywhere by myself, including work trips, telling me that someone would hurt me if i went
>discouraged me from getting a car
>hates everything and everybody except me
>i kind of mommydom him despite not wanting to and when i brought up compromise in the bedroom he can't get it up
>hasn't told his family about me this entire time
>doesn't want anything to do with my family
>is cool with marriage but doesn't want a real wedding
>i do the cooking i do the cleaning and i work longer and harder hours, just saying
>takes me on expensive dates and buys me expensive gifts but seriously hates going anywhere and thinks that driving 10 minutes is a massive inconvenience
>he has never surprised me with anything, never cooked for me, nothing; if i ask for it i get it, but i am always the initiator of stuff
>no sparks, don't really enjoy kissing him but i love him kind of like you love a dog idk…
So I had a mental breakdown after a really rough therapy session, like 12 hours crying alone in a room. This does NOT happen regularly but i remembered lots of bad shit. Moid 1 walked in on me after the 12 hours and his first response was anger, then bitterness that I dare be upset about something on my day off of work. Then he shut the door and fucked off. No are you okay, no can I get you anything, no nothing.
Enter Moid 2, lost connection from college who found me on work social media website because we work in the same field:
>at this point, i had already fled Moid 1 at least temporarily because it wasn't the first time he reacted weirdly to his gf panicking (for the record i baby the man so the least he can do is give me a hug). i noticed it was a pattern, noticed the other red flags, and decided to live with family until i understand what needs to happen
>we take it off of the work site so we can talk about not work stuff
>play some games together, it's chill
>he asks me how i am, and i kind of hint at what's going on with Moid 1 and that things aren't too hot. i don't go into detail but he's obviously worried
>we have some kind of deep discussions, reveal to each other that we had feelings for each other in college but never acted on them
>we have also been mutually thinking about each other for like 3 years
>Moid 2 has a decent job, lives on his own, only 3 years older than me, good family, and is basically kind to everyone as a virtue. has 'tism but so do i so it's cool
>He says he doesn't want to take advantage of me because of the situation i'm in, but that he wants to keep in contact while i get back up on my feet and see where we can go from there
>Helps me find affordable places to live on my own (i've never lived on my own before because Moid 1 basically stole me from college), helped me find a good car, and that if I need absolutely anything, he will help me
>Even helped me run errands for basic stuff I needed before I got said car; patient the whole time
>Moid 2 had asked for nothing in return, like he is obviously romantically interested in me but the most he'd done at that point is let me cry on him
>fucking knows that i journal a lot so he surprised me with a fountain pen that he made himself???
Moid 2 is obviously nicer but i am fucking terrified that if I leave Moid 1 he's just going to waste himself because I was the only thing he loved ("loved"??? idk i know he loved me but he had a weird way of showing it). i'm terrified that i will have to learn how to have a life on my own but i know it'll be good for me and i have the full support of my family and now Moid 2. doesn't make leaving Moid 1 any easier though because living with someone and taking care of them for some years…. basically feels like i trauma bonded to him. anyway maybe this was more of a vent than an ask, but
A) Moid 1: worth leaving even though my financial future is entirely secure with him and i could keep on living the easy life, just with an emotionally unavailable partner who sucks in bed?
B) Moid 2: i am worried that he might have fallen in love with me too fast (granted he had been thinking about me for years) and i am also worried that he might see my situation with Moid 1 as an "in", but he has expressed over and over that he just wants to see me on my feet again and that I owe him nothing; and that he just wants me to be happy, even if it means we don't end up together. he has also recognized that i should get advice from family, friends, literally everybody because he knows that his advice is biased due to his interest in me. decent moid? holy shit???
Whether you choose moid 2 or not I think it's clear that you need to leave moid 1. I'm glad you saw that this was not a healthy situation for you and decided to stay with your family for a while. Please don't go back to him. There's also nothing wrong with living on your own and being single while you figure things out.
>if I leave Moid 1 he's just going to waste himself because I was the only thing he loved
Don't put yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I've been there and it never got any better. Moids like this will usually just jump on the next vulnerable woman to exploit, but there's actually also a small chance that breaking up with him will prompt him to change. Right now you're both enabling each other.
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I need lots of tips and and advice. In two months my boyfriend is moving in with me, and it's my first time ever living with a guy (and my first relationship too). How difficult is it to live with someome? I'm used to only walking around in my umderwear, daydreaming, making nasty meals, having loads of alone time and independency. I'm scared to lose it all. I'm scared I'll be doing most of housework on top of paying for everything since I own the flat (should I charge him rent?). What should I do?
Nta but I needed to hear this.
I broke up with my ex after we went long distance because he wasn’t willing to make any plans regarding closing the gap in the future. I’m still in school for another two years and he said that was too long of a time to try to plan anything.
So okay, it hurt but we broke up and remained friends, and now I’m seeing other people. I want to be an honest person, so I told him after he pressed to hear it.
He acted totally cool with it at first, but now he’s being lowkey passive aggressive about it and acting like he’s better than me for not seeing anyone else and just focusing on his work.
It hurts because he is someone I’d like to try again with in the future, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but he made the conscious choice not to offer me the comfort of making a plan for the LDR while I’m young, hot, and in college… I felt bad for seeing other people, but now I feel like that’s just the case because of bad boundaries. >>306552
Same vibes over here, Nona! It’s completely normal, mine was my first love so it made it even worse. You probably did the right thing breaking up though.
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i'm so depressed, yesterday ive said to my bf that my ideal partner would be someone who have eyes just for me and that only wanted sex with me, without thinking about other girls..
he said i'm childish and that reality doesn't fit my views, which i agree to some point.. but i believe what i want to be perfectly possible, maybe not common for sure, but possible…
he laughed at me when i said it would be pure to have a relationship like this.
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I feel you so much, nonna. I wish guys like that would exist. They don't tho… best you can hope for is a man who doesn't openly say how much he wants to fuck other women.
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Do y'all think it's a good idea to confront a cheater? I found out recently that a guy I've been casually seeing has a gf of like 3 years. It explains a lot of inconsistencies with things he has told me. I'm unsure whether to ghost or send the hey girlie text or tell him I know.
She seems pretty sweet and normal and I feel terrible being used to hurt an unwitting woman that did nothing to me. But I've been reading that sometimes bringing it to the gf can hurt her more because only the cheater can really offer an apology and closure, and she may also compare herself with what's on your profile, etc. But I think if I confront him the only thing he'll take out of it is to cover your tracks better.
Ghosting just feels cowardly though.
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How reasonable (or unhinged) would be to ask my boyfriend to stop being friends with certain people? He used to be friends with them for a long time, they lived abroad so I didn't meet them until now (4 years of relationship) and even though they were in contact with my bf over these years he didn't bother to tell them I even exist. I met them for the first time this weekend and they were pretty unwelcoming (mocked me when I talked about my career and acted aloof about theirs, made sure to correct me when i said something in relation to my bf since they "know him better" etc), and apparently there's a 3 days long getaway in a month they organize with some other friends we're invited to (or more like, my bf is invited and that's how they found out I exist because he said he wants to take me too). I don't want to spend any more time with these two in my entire life, and since my bf didn't care enough to tell them that he's dating someone for 4 years - which is very uncomfortable for me btw - it doesn't feel like it would be such a loss to not go to that getaway and cut them off for good. He has other friends that always knew about me and are nice so not like he'd be condemned to life of solitude either. I plan to propose it regardless of your advice but I'm curious what you think anons since a line between reasonable and unhinged feels blurry to me sometimes
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My friend connected me to her old climbing partner who she thought I would get along with. So last month, I went climbing with his guest pass (he works at a climbing gym), but we don't really know each other and I feel awkward texting him to see if I can go climb. However, he did say to come back again in January to climb. He let me in for free but I feel bad for mooching especially since we barely know each other. Er, so… Is there a way to naturally text him? And anything I can do to return the free climbing passes? If he were a woman, I'd feel less awkward about texting, since I get along with women better and he's kinda hot so I get nervous.
so obviously your boyfriend is a compelete asshole for saying that. he sounds like one of those "facts don't care about your feelings" guys who use "i'm just being honest" as a shield to explain why it's ok for them to belittle and demean you.
that said, the asshole part is him actually saying that and in such a demeaning way too. the sentiment is most likely correct. it is extremely impossibly rare for someone to never feel attraction towards people other than you, never fantasize, never think about others etc. and this is just as true for women. even in my happiest, longest relationships i would still feel some level of attraction for others, i. don't turn into a horny cartoon wolf and it doesn't mean there is some issue in my relationship. i'm just human lol. the only couple i have ever known who really made a point that they only have eyes for each other and would never even think of someone else was to bpd cows who also had terrible fights constantly. i can see how a relationship where you both recognize you will always be attracted to other people too but it does not matter because you have no desire to act on it sounds less romantic than a "eyes only for each other" kind of passion but it's the same way that a stable relationship with good communication can seem less exciting than the highs and lows of a toxic
so basically, i think wanting someone who will ever think about you is setting yourself up for pain and disappointment. but obviously, a good partner will hear out your insecurities about it and reassure you that you are the only one they want to actually be with, not belittle and dismiss you.
>>307466> I contacted her and sent screenshots of our texts and such, she told me I was a creepy stalker bitch trying to steal her man and he would never do that and I must have faked all those screenshots, and then she blocked me.
Yes, this is actually the most realistic and common result. Most women dating these men already know they are cheaters, they have compartmentalized it and ignore it or accept it as long as the dude comes home to them.
Naive nonas with no life experience want to think telling a woman she’s being cheated on results in some kind of 2007 music video scenario where the gf/wife trashes his room and cuts up his clothes, kicks him out and you become BFFs while drinking martinis and bonding over his little dick.
In reality the gf/wife usually ends up shooting the messenger (you), freaks out and accuses you of lying then blocks you, goes into denial and continues to date the cheating asshole for at least another 5 years while hating and stalking you with a burning passion.
Awww Nona… he hasn’t even entertained the idea of fighting for you? I guess it’s better that he’s honest and not stringing you along.
Well, the choice is yours, and I’ve been there so I totally sympathize that it’s not that easy to just dump him. Would he be willing to just be friends with you? That way you’ll still have him in your life but you won’t have to deal with this inner conflict over the expiration date.
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Hi nonnies. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and everything was going almost perfectly. He knows a girl (who I thought was more of an acquaintance than a friend) who he has told me doesn't like me. I used to be in a group chat with her and some other friends and he told me the reason that she doesn't like me is that apparently I never replied to her DMs (which I recently went to check and couldn't find any DMs from her at all). I never saw her around all that much and all interactions between us have been normal. Since the reason was so silly and I thought they barely interacted, I really saw no reason to set a boundary and ask him to block or distance himself from her. I'm also friends with, like, 2 people he fought with once (and nothing too close either). Recently, she scammed some people out of a LOT of money and we found out the people she scammed wanted to take this to court (and apparently she spent all the money already) and I made a very brief comment about that being funny and she deserving it (because, again, she did scam those people) to my boyfriend. He immediately got super, super defensive and started saying I shouldn't say these things about people, and it turned into an argument about me being friends with people he didn't like either (which this was never about, it was about the scamming). He was acting like I was attacking her because of nothing, and that if those 2 friends he didn't like scammed people out of their money, I wouldn't be talking about them like that (???). He even refered to himself as "her best friend" and needing to defend her because of that, and this made everything fall apart for me, to be honest. I can't even manage to look at him without asking myself if I'm being cucked by this girl I didn't even remember existed. I told him this made me incredibly sad and he apologized a lot, saying he should've taken my feelings into consideration, that he loved me above all else, etc. but I can't brush that feeling off. It's depressing because I felt so in love with him everyday but now I simply can't bring myself to think about him without feeling like I'm getting cucked. I can't tell if I'm overreacting, but I really feel like I'm not (and this makes me feel even shittier)
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Can't tell if I'm overthinking this but I'm really annoyed that the only time this moid seems interested in going on dates is when it's like a double-date or if there's other people involved, almost like a group outing. The last time we went somewhere that was just the two of us (as dates should be imo) it was the cinema, which was good, but since then there's been nothing.
It's like whenever it comes to going on an actual date with just the two of us he's not interested and never suggest anything, but as soon as one of his friends proposes a double-date suddenly it's the most interesting thing in the world and he tries to shoehorn me into it.
I don't even fucking know these people - they're not my friends, and tbh I'm really pissed off at the fact that he only seems to suggest it when there's other people there. Why does it feel like he just doesn't want to be with me one-on-one…
I think I needed someone to just tell me to stop being a retard and move on.
3 months ago I met a moid while out of town celebrating a friend’s birthday. I thought it was a one night stand and nothing more, but he continued to pursue me. I remained skeptical and tried not to keep my hopes up. He was in that town temporarily for work, but returned home a few weeks later and paid for a plane ticket for me to fly and see him again about a month after we first met.
After I flew back home, we both discussed that we were looking for a serious, long term relationship even if it was LDR. About a week later he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. Things were going well, I was going to fly out again to see him in about 5 weeks.
He works super long hours in construction, and I knew that wore him out and prevented him from regularly seeing his friends/family. I didn’t realize the extent to which it was running him into the ground until 1 week before I was to fly out again to see him, he confessed that he had been on a 2 week bender drinking and abusing drugs. I was shocked but tried to be supportive. He disappeared for 2 days, and when I called him out on this he got very defensive. I asked if he wanted me to still fly out to see him and he just was on some vague “I think I need to focus on myself right now” “it’s so hard when you’re far away, it’d be different if you were here” shit.
He didn’t actually say no or directly break things off with me; so I told him I’ll cancel the trip and that was that. I went no contact immediately, but heard from him again the day I was originally due to fly out. He texted me to say he felt bad and asked for my Venmo so he could send me the money for the flights. I sent him my username and the receipt of the ticket purchase, but he never paid me and never replied.
This was a week ago, I plan to continue no contact. I just feel lame as fuck feeling this shaken/disappointed over a simple 3 month relationship. My mind keeps cycling through all the “what ifs?”
that's rough, nonny
i'd say that's for the better, block the moid
you waste your time and your mental health when it comes to drunks and junkies
Sounds like just typical moid commitment phobe and junkie behavior.
In my experience the men who ghost on whims or blow hot and cold like this are narcs and you are genuinely 100% better off having nothing to do with him.
He was leading you on nona and he’s a coward who keeps making excuses and using drugs to avoid reality and maintain human connections.
I know it’s hard when you thought something more would come of it, but that’s just how manipulative narcs operate. You can literally give them an opt out and say you’re down just for a ONS so that you don’t get hurt, but they want to control the situation and hurt people, so they would rather pretend the possibility of a relationship is on the table and then back out at the last minute just to inflict injury and cause hurt feelings. I know it’s hard but this one’s clearly unsalvageable, block his ass nona and don’t reply to any of his messages as they’re gonna be narc hoovers and he’ll ghost again, you’ll thank me later.
My boyfriend is handsome and basically perfect. I've been with him for 3.5 years and he wants to marry me. The thing is, I feel like utter shit about myself. He does plenty of nice things for us as a couple, but when he calls me beautiful, it feels like a familial type of compliment if that makes sense. Sex is always "fun" and close. It embarrasses me that it is that way. There's some deep seated humiliation I feel as when I first got with him, I was anorexic and after the first time we had sex, he said my "body wasn't as ugly as he thought it would be". Ever since, no matter how he tries to make me feel desired, I just feel sick or like it's fake. I'm no longer anorexic and luckily I have a conventionally attractive body, but it's like, I feel like he's never really going to find me attractive. He apologize profusely later on for saying that and he seemed genuinely sorry, he says he didn't word what he meant as a compliment correctly and he can have weird ways of wording stuff to everyone, not just me, so I believe it, but it still kind of fucks with me. I think he's a good man and he is worth marrying. It is a hard pill to swallow that I'm not going to feel attractive and truthfully, maybe it's all a mental thing and I'd never let myself feel attractive to someone anyway. I'm just unnerved, I used to at least want sex so I didn't feel useless, but now I despise it because he's so beautiful and handsome and good, and I'm like the opposite of those things. I feel like I'm so ugly it's like I'm taking advantage of him. I suck at taking criticism as well, i admit I was wrong, but I internalize it so deeply, I just end up feeling disgusting and gross anytime he has to correct or make a comment on something I do, and that impacts my desire to have sex as well. I'm sad because I used to want sex as much as possible and I've been that way in all my past relationships, but now I feel like I'm too disgusting to have sex with, let alone marry. But I realize "wife" is an unattractive phrase, so I feel like it fits me.
He's just the type of guy who'll always keep one eye open to look out for 'a better option' who might be out there. He could commit to this other woman and she'll never be safe or secure with him seeing as he's that way. He'll still be in other womens inboxes testing out his luck.
You could tell him off but then.. Chances are he'll just get better at hiding his bullshit in future if you spell it out to him. Cut him off. Block. Try not to take it to heart when men like that are depressingly common.
Anybody who says > your body wasn't as ugly as I thought it would be
Right after your just had sex for the first time is either completely socially retarded or they're just plain cruel and they're playing dumb to cover that up. I highly doubt this man is as near perfect as you seem to think he is.
>>308300>He said my "body wasn't as ugly as he thought it would be".
Negging tactics 101, this is manipulative garbage to make you doubt yourself, and seek out his validation. Everything you just described about feeling like shit around him, yet wanting to marry him because you put him on a pedestal—he’s so perfect, he’s so handsome, you’re not good enough for him—is exactly how this works. He tried normalizing it by saying he does that with everyone, which is fucked up. People who appreciate you, and love you wouldn’t say something that basically means >I expected you to be uglier, but you’re tolerable enough for me to have sex with you
They would instead say >I love you the way you are, I can help you do things to make you feel better about yourself, and I’ll give you affirmation if you doubted yourself
In the past, he wasn't so great at personal communication. An example, a couple years ago we were at a family event and to his niece, who is obese, he made a joke about how her dad is obese. I had to tell him afterwards that even if his niece smiled at the joke, it's rude to joke about something like that in front of an obese person. He didn't think about the fact she was obese herself, and now he's a lot more sensitive and tactful with people in general, including myself. But back then, not so much, he had to learn.
I do care about him and love him, we are best friends and do everything together, but I just feel icky about us doing sex now, like I feel like when he calls me pretty it's like a kid calling his older sister or mom pretty if that makes sense. There's other stuff he's done in the past that has contributed to me feeling like shit, but he's changed a lot.
I’m sorry that happened to you anon, that would make me feel uncomfortable too. Imo it’s one of those gray areas, or micro-aggressions or whatever, because it's hard to say for certain it was ill intended, but it leaves you feeling bad. It sounds like typical male banter, but at the same time singles you out for being a woman. It’s definitely a power move. You can either feel embarrassed/ashamed, or if you’re quick-witted say something snappy back at him. I think this sort of culture should be discouraged as it creates an unwelcome work-environment unless you act like you're "one of the guys".
One of my former co-workers would sometimes say inappropriate things to me and one day I got so tired of it I straight out told him to stop sexually harassing me. After that we didn’t talk for a while, but once we started talking again he never did it again. It was during the peak of the me too movement, so I like to think it made him reconsider some of his behavior. Sadly not all scrotes are as introspective.
I’m sorry for your loss nona.
Am I reading the rest of this right? Your boyfriend of seven years ghosted you after your grandmother died and then dumped you over the phone when you called after a week of radio silence? Because of the job he got the previous month?
I don’t even know what to say. That’s ice cold and I’m sorry you went through that. If you look back were there signs he was emotionally detaching or did it truly come out of nowhere?
Yeah there were signs. The minute he got the job our sex life was non existent. He stopped making an effort in the relationship (he actually stopped making an effort before the pandemic hit which was a convenient excuse for him to never take me out on dates anymore) His excuse for that was: "I didn't choose to be so negligent". There also were problems a few months prior. We were together for 7 years and I always asked him if he wants to move in together. But he always said that he doesn't want to move out of his parents house (he is 29). He also was extremely into sports, it was almost a obsession for him to look perfect. He went to the gym for about 3 hours every day. I gained about 5 kilos due to stress with uni and he made an effort to tell me that my pants look bad on me and that I should eat less sugar. He always tried to push his eating habits on the people around him and when he had to eat something sugary like a piece of cake at a family function he had a mental breakdown.
When two of his family members died I was always there for him.
There were signs even early on into the relationship and I just ignored every single red flag because I loved him so much. He was my first love. In our first year we planned to sleep with each other for the first time but I was so fucking tired and stressed from work that day that I just went to sleep. He was so pissed off with me and did not talk with me for the whole day.
He also sometimes left when he was over at my place in the evening or on the weekend to go to the gym for 2 hours. I was so scared that he would break up with me because my self-esteem was just so low. I thought that I was dating someone out of my league. It feels as if I never really saw this guy for what he truly is because I was so blinded by my own feelings towards him. I really thought that I won the big prize with him but he just wasted my time and treated me like an option. I talked with my siblings about this and they said that they always thought that he was weird and treating me like an option but were too afraid to tell me.
There really were signs early on and I just ignored them. When I needed emotional support he was annoyed with me. I should have left the minute I saw how disrespectful he was with his parents. He treated them like servants and told his mother (who does everything for him) to shut up multiple times. His mom loved me tho and I got a card from her for christmas where she told me how sad she was about the breakup.
I am so scared that I will meet another guy like this and then waste 7 years on him again because of me being blinded by my own feelings. How do I stop being like that?
>>309768>What the fuck is wrong with me?
Nothing's wrong with you! Those moids didn't deserve you nonny
. I'm sorry that they strung you along.
It honestly sounds like he met someone at his new job and has been cheating on you for a while.
I mean, you were together 7 years and you still didn't live together? Did it not make you wonder why your relationship was not evolving?
I am 25 now. It just feels like I wasted a big part of my twenties and now have to start fresh. I am so scared that I am never going to get over this guy. I am scared that I will always be alone but being alone is probably better than being used and then discarded like that.>>309784
No there was no cheating. I met his coworkers and the youngest ones are over the age of 40. Our relationship wasn't evolving because I was very comfortable for him. I was a dumb doormat and I regret not putting my foot down. He never wanted to evolve in the first place and move out or do anything for me. I never was his priority
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how do I stop myself from spiralling into self-hatred, anger and frustration every time yet another guy tries to jerk me around without even pretending to be slightly interested?
every time this happens I get filled with impotent rage and it gets worse for every guy that does it
it's like I'm not good enough for guys to even put in the effort of pretending to want to get to know me, not even for a few hours, they just jump straight into "you can come hang with my friends I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
these are ugly low tier men, too, am I that abysmal? how do actual schizo men with dead coomer eyes feel that they can treat me like an option? why do I get shayna-tier treatment from men without doing anything?
Because he's an abusive
asshole who'd rather blame you for everything instead of take responsibility for his actions
>>309828>When women keep telling you "if he wanted to, he would" they mean it
Absolutely! I know many women want to give them the benefit of doubt but 8/10 they're using "I'm just busy" as an excuse to avoid someone/fuck someone else etc. Moids will
let you know if they're interested and they're not uwu babies who are bad at "picking up on hints" or whatever else.