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File: 1567963010635.jpg (49.47 KB, 500x371, haha-you-love-me.jpg)

No. 122983

Old thread hit the limit! >>>/g/108637
Having some relationship issues or questions and need to vent or get advice? Come here and talk with fellow farmers for another point of view.

No. 122986

More of a vent if anything but I was really getting along with my new boyfriend up until he started to act weirdly jealous and admitted as much. At first I took it as flattery because of exes acting so disinterested in me or just treating me like a piece of worthless trash not even worth a text message or a nice dinner. This new boyfriend wanted to do all those things for me and frequently and made known that he wanted me. I took the behavior as a sign that I was desired and it felt really good to be wanted. I still like that feeling.
Last night he tried to turn his jealousy against me and it made me feel really insulted.

He texted me to accuse that I still had feelings for my ex and I was hiding something on my cell phone the other night.
First of all, the accusations blindsided me because I had no idea what he was talking about or was even aware anything was wrong. I tried to be nice at first, and maybe it was a misunderstanding.
I told him I didn't have feelings for my ex. I dumped almost a year ago now. Also that I don't even talk to him, and what brought that up? Then I explained I was actually finishing up typing a post on here lel, and nah I didn't really want him to see what I was typing on my phone but he could've asked what I was doing if he had a concern. I really don't use social media much and said I have no problems handing over my phone for him to check if he really wants to see how little is actually going on.
If he has an issue then he needs to talk to me at the time about it.

Then he gave me a third degree about my ex again after the cell phone thing was buried. I asked him what even brought up my ex and apparently he became upset after I showed him my vacation pictures from last year in the 'on this day' feature on facebook. I showed him a picture of my ex to prove how I didn't have any pictures of myself on this vacation because my ex was a selfish asshole who didn't take any for me. That was the point.
Not that I "miss" my ex or "have feelings" for him. He got jealous because I showed him a picture of my ex. Nothing else. That's so fucking retarded, he even argued 'What kind of girlfriend shows a picture of her ex to her boyfriend?!" Uh, I didn't compliment my ex or reminisce, what on earth.

He kept texting accusing me and I kept repeating how I didn't have feelings and at that point I was getting mad because he kept saying shit like "I don't believe you, you still have feelings for him because I have a guy instinct!" and then he passively aggressively said "Text him goodnight!" and I shut it down. It was so fucking ridiculous. He was basically implying I'm a liar and acting petty over something absolutely inconsequential. MEANWHILE I've listened to HIS emotionally-charged rants about his ex who I guess wasn't faithful, and he claims he's so hung up on fidelity because he doesn't wanna go through it again. He's totally projecting because he's the one with obvious feelings for his ex, yet instead of addressing his insecurities he's insinuating shit about me so he doesn't have to face his own emotions.

At the end of the texts he apologized and said he trusted me.
Despite what I said about him talking to me about problems when he feels they arise, I'm sensing he's probably going to pull this shit again and confront me about something irrelevant days later so I'll be caught offguard again.

No. 122991

>>122986
This sounds incredibly dumb on his part. Like he missed the whole my ex is an asshole who didn't take a single photo of me on our vacation and zoned in on the result: which was pictures of the ex exist

>He's totally projecting because he's the one with obvious feelings for his ex, yet instead of addressing his insecurities he's insinuating shit about me so he doesn't have to face his own emotions.


Looks like you're way ahead of him anon. This seems obvious, otherwise he's just a controlling troublemaker. I had a friend who would accuse me of sleeping with random mutual friends if I didn't respond to his message fast enough.

No. 123004

>>122986
New boyfriend? Good thing he's new - it's easier to dump him then.

No. 123006

>>122986
>emotionally-charged rants about his ex who I guess wasn't faithful
Now you've seen his definition of unfaithful, you can't even believe him that his ex was unfaithful or wasn't just driven to give him something real to complain about kek
>>123004
This, if it was me I'd use this situation to make it clear that I'm not playing those games with him, but kick him immediately if he tries to ever bring it up again.

No. 123008

This is kind of silly, I guess, but how soon do you think is too soon to be making future plans with a partner?

I've only been with my boyfriend for four months but we've been discussing moving in together next year, talking about traveling together, etc. It all feels natural but I've always been very careful about jumping headfirst into relationships. I've dated other people but I haven't had feelings this strong before. I'm trying to just go with the flow and not overanalyze everything but I'm just surprised by how quickly we've gotten so close.

(I'll be 25 in a month and he's 27, if that gives some more context).

No. 123010

>>122936

not tryna excuse this, but ive had similar experience. we started having sex a lot more and it stopped entirely. if he's half-asleep and really horny, he's likely not thinking. it's almost an awake wet dream. just my exp tho, ymmv.

No. 123015

I have an odd one, this is borderline stupid questions general thread…my boyfriend says his friendships tend to be "romantic" ever since puberty. He is straight, but I believe it even applied to his best male friend, and that may have even made him wonder if he was into him. He wasn't, as far as we know, just was able to appreciate that he was a good-looking guy. He tends to have a lot of female friends so idk if that is just the issue, but I also think there's not a lot of portrayal of platonic love between men that doesn't involve macho bullshit or familial bonds, or of platonic love between women and men other than in families, and so maybe he just doesn't have a reference point.
It's been really upsetting me because he says he can't tell between the two, but obviously he knows there's a massive difference between how he feels about me and his friends. At the same time, it seems like he sees some physical contact as ok that I wouldn't find appropriate unless I were single or absolutely sure my friend wasn't into me at all romantically/sexually, and some of it even then I'd have boundaries about. E.g., he thought it was sad that I would only let my friend lie on me and fall asleep if she/he were upset or unwell. If it were close enough to be familial, I might be more lenient too, like if we had been purely platonic friends since childhood or for decades. I would be more likely to let a friend just fall asleep on my shoulder if they were really tired. Maybe I'm just less touchy, but I think that my boundaries for what is and isn't appropriate between friends, especially with male/female, is really normal. He also said he doesn't know what the big difference is between taking a friend to a movie or to dinner one-on-one and taking a date…He told me as well that it takes a lot more than maybe the average for him to consider a friend a friend, like he has to trust them quite a bit. He also feels that when one of his friends is touchy with him, it means a lot, because she is rarely that way with anyone so it means she feels comfortable (she has zero feelings for him, I'm almost absolutely sure of this, and has said she sees him like a brother, even messes with him the same way siblings do.) To me, that sounds a lot like familial love.
Which brings up another problem: he says he hasn't really felt familial love or affection from his family like that since he was a child. His younger brother gets/got more than he does. So I'm starting to think that maybe he is just feeling intense platonic affection, but he's so not used to feeling it that he associates it with "romance" or maybe has some weird definition of "romantic". The line to me is so blurry and hard to define that I don't know how to put it into words, but I know I'm definitely not "romantic" with my friends even if it approaches that in one way or another. It's "romantic" only in the idealization of the bond, the excitement of a new friendship, the closeness, etc. But it feels much distinctive from a romance. It's almost how someone could describe a new or strong romance, but purely platonic. I experienced it many times with people I wasn't attracted to sexually or romantically, and it has confused me because it has the other hallmarks, but when I would sit down and consider it, I had zero feelings other than platonic ones, it was just an unusually intense platonic relationship. I do have friends I'm close enough to that I would give a kidney to, but I wouldn't go to the same extent as I would for partner unless they were basically family to me.
I just told him I feel differently about him than I do about any of my friends, regardless of how emotionally intimate we are. I do love my friends, but in a different way. I think he gets what I mean, but said he liked me romantically "the most" which rather understandably makes me feel very cucked/hurt/anxious to hear. He wouldn't ignore me for a friend, he would do a lot for a friend he cares about, but he wouldn't move countries for a friend. In fact, he wouldn't move countries for _anyone_ except me, he said. So there's obviously some sort of difference between the love he has for friends and for me.
How do I explain the difference to him and tell him that he's weird and my boundaries are completely normal? Personally I think they also stop weird or jealous feelings from forming. I want to have some things only for each other and I don't feel deprived or depriving of others for keeping some things off-limits or rare. For "romantic"/"romance", I think it's a lot like what that judge said about obscenity: it's hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. So that's kind of useless and since he's autistic I think it's part of the problem lol

No. 123016

I have an odd one, this is borderline stupid questions general thread…my boyfriend says his friendships tend to be "romantic" ever since puberty. He is straight, but I believe it even applied to his best male friend, and that may have even made him wonder if he was into him. He wasn't, as far as we know, just was able to appreciate that he was a good-looking guy. He tends to have a lot of female friends so idk if that is just the issue, but I also think there's not a lot of portrayal of platonic love between men that doesn't involve macho bullshit or familial bonds, or of platonic love between women and men other than in families, and so maybe he just doesn't have a reference point.
It's been really upsetting me because he says he can't tell between the two, but obviously he knows there's a massive difference between how he feels about me and his friends. At the same time, it seems like he sees some physical contact as ok that I wouldn't find appropriate unless I were single or absolutely sure my friend wasn't into me at all romantically/sexually, and some of it even then I'd have boundaries about. E.g., he thought it was sad that I would only let my friend lie on me and fall asleep if she/he were upset or unwell. If it were close enough to be familial, I might be more lenient too, like if we had been purely platonic friends since childhood or for decades. I would be more likely to let a friend just fall asleep on my shoulder if they were really tired. Maybe I'm just less touchy, but I think that my boundaries for what is and isn't appropriate between friends, especially with male/female, is really normal. He also said he doesn't know what the big difference is between taking a friend to a movie or to dinner one-on-one and taking a date…He told me as well that it takes a lot more than maybe the average for him to consider a friend a friend, like he has to trust them quite a bit. He also feels that when one of his friends is touchy with him, it means a lot, because she is rarely that way with anyone so it means she feels comfortable (she has zero feelings for him, I'm almost absolutely sure of this, and has said she sees him like a brother, even messes with him the same way siblings do.) To me, that sounds a lot like familial love.
Which brings up another problem: he says he hasn't really felt familial love or affection from his family like that since he was a child. His younger brother gets/got more than he does. So I'm starting to think that maybe he is just feeling intense platonic affection, but he's so not used to feeling it that he associates it with "romance" or maybe has some weird definition of "romantic". The line to me is so blurry and hard to define that I don't know how to put it into words, but I know I'm definitely not "romantic" with my friends even if it approaches that in one way or another. It's "romantic" only in the idealization of the bond, the excitement of a new friendship, the closeness, etc. But it feels much distinctive from a romance. It's almost how someone could describe a new or strong romance, but purely platonic. I experienced it many times with people I wasn't attracted to sexually or romantically, and it has confused me because it has the other hallmarks, but when I would sit down and consider it, I had zero feelings other than platonic ones, it was just an unusually intense platonic relationship. I do have friends I'm close enough to that I would give a kidney to, but I wouldn't go to the same extent as I would for partner unless they were basically family to me.
I just told him I feel differently about him than I do about any of my friends, regardless of how emotionally intimate we are. I do love my friends, but in a different way. I think he gets what I mean, but said he liked me romantically "the most" which rather understandably makes me feel very cucked/hurt/anxious to hear. He wouldn't ignore me for a friend, he would do a lot for a friend he cares about, but he wouldn't move countries for a friend. In fact, he wouldn't move countries for _anyone_ except me, he said. So there's obviously some sort of difference between the love he has for friends and for me.
How do I explain the difference to him and tell him that he's weird and my boundaries are completely normal? Personally I think they also stop weird or jealous feelings from forming. I want to have some things only for each other and I don't feel deprived or depriving of others for keeping some things off-limits or rare. For "romantic"/"romance", I think it's a lot like what that judge said about obscenity: it's hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. So that's kind of useless and since he's autistic I think it's part of the problem lol
In the end iirc I told him (for my sake as well as his) that I don't think it really matters what word he uses to describe friendships to me or what "platonic" vs "romantic" means in that context as long as his friendships don't become inappropriate or make me feel jealous and not special to him, or cause him distress. I might send him to our close mutual guy friend and see what he has to say on the topic, too.

No. 123017

>>123015
goddamnit I posted this thinking the other one didn't go through, I would've added an addendum otherwise. ignore the one before it

No. 123019

>>123010
>>123010
yeah from my experience it doesn't always mean the person is really trying to have sex or aware of what they're doing. my bf feels me up but sometimes isn't even trying to get me to have sex, just wants to touch me. it's up to you to decide why he did what he did and act according to your morals and boundaries, good luck!
>>123008
I've discussed future plans with partners pretty early on if I felt like I had strong feelings. the timeline is on you guys, not anyone else. just be careful about making any surefire decisions this early in the relationship, in case it is just from the excitement of it being new.

No. 123022

I guess this is probably the best place to post this: can someone tell me if I'm the asshole in this situation?

I moved overseas with my partner several years ago and haven't seen my family since except when I went home to visit. They are visiting here for the first time next spring. Since it'll probably be the last time our families will be together for awhile (if ever again, because the trip is very hard on my dad who has heart problems) we decided that we would have a small wedding celebration. We've been engaged for awhile and wanting to do the ceremony soon and this seems like the perfect time, both of our families are excited for it.

Except my partner's sister. She had also been planning a wedding for spring, but dumped her fiance this summer. Their breakup wasn't super dramatic or tearful, she just wanted to focus on her career while it's in an upswing instead (perfectly valid) and broke up with him. There was no crying or hysterics (contrast to when her last bf dumped her and she was a wreck for weeks). But now she's upset about it being the same month as her aborted ceremony was going to be. She's usually pretty cool and I like her a lot, but she has a childish streak and is prone to crying tantrums when she doesn't get her way - like she's doing now.

Am I shitty for thinking she needs to grow up? I would empathize if her heart had been broken by her fiance and she was still super raw about it, but it wasn't the case at all. The date of the ceremony isn't intentional, it's just when my parents will be here. Am I being a selfish or is it her?

No. 123023

>>123022
On what planet are people obligated to put their weddings on hold just because someone they know had an engagement broken? She's the asshole for even entertaining the idea of complaining, it's the sort of situation in which even a genuinely devastated person should really just suffer in silence because their life isn't someone else's responsibility.

No. 123027

>>123022
I could understand if you guys had decided on a whim to stage your wedding at the same time as hers for no reason - MAYBE I could. But if you're doing it for convenience and having your family together, especially your sickly dad, and not out of some weird perceived maliciousness on her end, then she should get over it. Breaking up sucks even when you want to but ultimately she made the choice to cancel her wedding. Hope she gets over herself soon.

No. 123030

>>123008
I don't think there's any set time, it's all unique for each couple. If it feels natural for you, try to not overthink it. With that being said, I'd avoid getting into anything committal or responsible with him to start, like living together - or purchasing a pet together, and instead start small like a week holiday. You learn a lot about your compatibility that way.

No. 123033

How can you tell if you‘re being reasonable in expectations when you‘re a jealous and anxious person?

So I have this standard in my relationship, which is…if someone invites me to some social thing like a party or wedding but my bf would be not welcome, then I probably wouldn‘t go. I wouldn‘t want to because it‘d feel like abandoning my partner. Otherwise I‘d ask my partner if it‘s OK, then go and not go accordingly. We come as a team so I‘d see being like "ok cya" would be shitty.

This issue has come up, and he‘ll be going on a 4 day holiday where I‘m not welcome. It‘s more of a coworkers thing, but not actual work/business trip (which would be fine). Huge argument because he sees nothing wrong with it, and thinks that I‘m being controlling. By the end of it I said I would never forbid him, but I ask him to respect the standards important to me.

Also, he wants to go to some sporty activity I can‘t really do at the weekend that‘d take all day, the weekend before he goes on said holiday. So I told him I thought we‘d spend that weekend together since he‘ll be going, plus he never does or suggests sporty things he likes despite me in the past saying we should, so I found it unfair. I said he should go now because despite agreeing that it‘d take a big chunk of time and he‘d be going on holiday with them anyway, he‘s used it as ammo in arguments since.

Thing is, when I had bad anxiety (we just moved to a new country and I was totally isolated, financially dependent and didn‘t speak the language) I begged him not to go for a week to another country, leaving me alone. Since he agreed to that I‘ve been working on myself and I think I‘ve made improvement. I think that was an unreasonable request, but he‘s held it over my head as an example of how controlling I am since, he‘s brought it up to this holiday thing and the weekend activity, and no matter how I argue the principle/reason is different, he puts it on the same level.

I‘ll be getting therapy for my jealousy, anxiety and insecurity, but I do try to evaluate things more objectively. But when he comes out with "you‘re being controlling, this is just like that time you didn‘t want me to go to business trip" then…who am I to argue that? It‘s just between the two of us, and these kinds of issues haven‘t come up with long term partners before and I don‘t know what‘s reasonable to expect. I wish there was some handbook or guide which said when it‘s OK to draw the line and when you‘re being unreasonable.

No. 123037

>>123033
Haven't read the whole thing but while it's somewhat true that you come as a team, both of you are still individual people with individual lives, hobbies, jobs, interests etc. You're not one person and you should not become one. I do think it's unreasonable of you to expect him not to go on that work trip/holiday thing. You're denying him a positive experience, his own thing, something that's part of his individual life. It's healthy for couples to spend time apart and to have their own things going on to a certain degree.

No. 123038

>>123022
I think considering your situation (living overseas, the condition of your father and the unlikelihood for your two families to be together again at least any time soon) makes your partner's sister the asshole to expect of you to postpone the wedding celebration

No. 123039

>>123037
Thanks for the reply. We‘re both very solitary people, and it was established by both of us at the start that we need alone time, we have individual hobbies going on and stuff.

What I‘m having difficulty with is…if the situations were reversed, people asked me to go on holiday but my bf wasn‘t welcome…there‘s no way I wouldn‘t think about what HE thought of the situation. What bothers me is that there‘s no consideration from him in that context. It was more that "I want to go, so I want to go and damned what you think of it". I think a proper thing to say would be like "hey so and so wants to go on holiday for a few days, just coworkers and it sounds cool, since you can‘t really go would I wanted to ask if it be OK if I did?".

You‘re right that it‘d be denying him a positive experience, but I feel like when you‘re in a relationship your mindset has to change a bit to encompass your partner too. That you sort of take it upon yourself to place reasonable restrictions.

No. 123053

>>123039
NTA, that's tough but that's just a matter of character. I relate more to your bf in this because I'm like him. As two individual adults, I believe I shouldn't be asking permission to do something that isn't violating our agreed upon monogamy. Considering not going on vacation because my partner is insecure would never be something I'd do. It's not my issue, it's theirs. Compromising on this would entertain their delusions that my love is so fleeting that I'll just cheat or something as soon as I'm away from their grasp. It's a strict matter of principle for me, personally. Restrictions based on insecurity aren't permissible to me. That being said I would never even date a jealous person in the first place. Not sure why he even started with you when he is so opposed to restricting himself for the sake of a jealous partner.

Not sure about the sports event thing, sorry.

The bringing shit up in arguments sounds unfair to me as well, but it sounds like you've perhaps been controlling in ways you aren't aware and it's built up to the point where he's getting so resentful he'll make unfair arguments. You weren't being too clingy for needing him around for that week you were new in the country you moved to, but I'm guessing he wouldn't have needed you to stay around for him if he were in your position and he sees an issue with that. I think his problem is with your character, and I don't really see how that can change.

Tbh seems you two aren't very compatible bc you see boundaries completely differently. He's particularly independent and that's in direct opposition to your co-dependence. Some people enjoy clingy partners, some don't.

No. 123073

File: 1568062060409.jpg (9.88 KB, 320x180, alone.jpg)

I desperately need help and advice with this

I'm currently going through what feels like the most difficult breakup of my life. Possibly because of the circumstances.

TLDR; met cute/seemed nice guy, moved in with him, together one year total, find out he is a drug addict slowly (we never participated in drugs or anything together previous to this, which is why I say "slowly". He later confessed to me that he has on/off issues for years now) and suddenly I am constantly having to make sure he is alive/not trying to suicide. I felt so caged and trapped, couldn't leave or do anything besides work due to how much I felt like I had to do for him essentially (some examples, finding him a job, helping him sign up for classes, getting him out of debt, teaching him basic life skills, stuff that I know is not my responsibility but I was so scared he would die without my babying so I felt almost hostage to doing all of these things since we also shared a space)

Finally was able to move out and am now trying to bring a complete end to this relationship. It has brought nothing but harm. He is now full blown on drugs and being crazy and it's hard for me to distance myself even though I know it must be the right thing. I sit alone in my flat all day and I just feel so depressed. I'm also currently dealing with a close loved one dying in the next month or so as well as full time job and part time school. I know there is a HUGE element of co-dependency here maybe, even though it was a horrible relationship I still long for him to hold me sometimes. I feel so fucked up for even admitting to that because he is so disgusting but I still feel alone now

any advice/tips? I know it probably sounds silly but I have been in abusive relationships in the past (including with family early on) so I am trying to break this cycle. I want to get away from him emotionally AND physically and be ok. I want to graduate and move on with my life without this burden



also TLDR; list of horrible things he has done. Maybe just writing this helps me stay strong.

>"cheated" on me with underage teens online (I don't fault the teen really, he is a predator in his mid 20's)

>used drugs continuously under my roof
>stole my personal belongings multiple times
>would sneak off to use drugs when I would be working, when I come home from work he is a mess
>police had to get involved multiple times when he would get violent (with himself, still scary because I had to "step in")
>always lies about everything. even the stupidest, smallest shit
>would pay for expensive thot porn when he technically owes me (and other people too)thousands of dollars
>constantly would break my things of value or throw them away when he is on drugs
>threatened me that the cops would kill me and him if I called them
>had creepy DDLG kink he wanted me to constantly participate in (degenerate)

No. 123074

>>123073

First: good on you for getting out of that situation, it must have been, and still is, awful. That's a big step towards independence and letting go of someone who has been draining you mentally.

I think you should definitely seek out counselling/therapy if you already haven't. Your life has a lot going on at the moment (I'm very sorry about your loved one) and it would be essential to let those feelings out and process them properly, especially when you've had a long history of abuse and want to break the cycle. It's a long process but it's so worth it, and it truly does help. I've been in a similar situation, not involving drugs tho, and one of the hardest things to learn is that not everyone can be saved and it's not your responsibility to help in everything if the help is constantly turned down or nothing is learned.
Do you have friends or loved ones you can turn to? I can't emphasize enough the importance of talking about the things you've experienced with someone you trust.

It's also natural to miss the good times and the intimacy, don't be ashamed. It will pass as any lingering feelings for him will fade over time.

I wish you the best, anon. You seem very responsible and caring, and it's sad your ex used your kindness in such a nasty way. You're not alone and I hope everything will turn out well for you!

No. 123076

Reposting my question from the last thread since it maxed out before anyone could've replied, with some additions…
Does anyone know how to help or deal with relationship and/or sex OCD? I think my partner has it and combined with his other problems (impulse control/addictive tendencies/general anxiety/sperglord) it's fucking us up. He really loves me, but the doubts are making him hurt me and himself and digging himself deeper. I don't think he'd actually be happy doing most of the stuff he worries about and the worries are probably wrong. But it's hard for me because some of it sounds like it could be true and isn't just OCD, and I end up feeding right into it by being mean and hurt and believing it or digging up stuff, I feel horrible about myself and about how he could and has hurt me and it's hard not to show it. If he believes it he doesn't challenge the beliefs because he doesn't want to consider/deal with them and by telling him one of my anxieties today I managed to give him a new potential worry.
I see that CBT may be the best bet, so I'd like resources for a partner of someone with this, for the person dealing with it, worksheets/books, etc, anything that you think may help, or your own personal experience. LDR-specific may be useful too because that's a compounding factor (and it's fucked because this is making it harder to move in.)
The stress from believing this stuff and his fuckups is giving me severe depression/anxiety compounded by my family issues and I just want it to end before I fuck my life up more.

No. 123082

>>123022
She broke up with him. She doesn't own the month. Go ahead and have your wedding as planned. It's also good to set a precedent now that you won't capitulate to her unreasonable demands.

No. 123143

>>123076
What is he doing with the sex? Can give give an example i don’t understand your post

No. 123170

>>123022
Oh I love these.

You are not the asshole at ALL. Sisters in law like making shit about themselves for some reason so I hope your partner has the rationality to draw some boundaries. Some dudes side with their sisters bc she cried or pulled his strings with some other emotional manipulation tool. Hope your guy isn't like that bc that becomes so unbearable later down the line.

She doesn't have to show up to the wedding if she doesn't want to but her whining is uncalled for. Like you said, her breakup wasn't really a hard one and she's doing this to herself. She's choosing to make this an issue.

No. 123174

>>123076
you wrote a decent lenght post and yet it's impossible to deduce what is actually the problem here. "Doubts"? If he's constantly worrying and asking for reassurance, yeah, it can be a symptom of OCD. What you can do is drag his ass to therapy. OCD isn't really something you can "deal with" on your own. In most cases, you need medication.
But you have to be more specific if you need advice, because your post is too chaotic.

No. 123178

File: 1568199784237.jpg (53.24 KB, 564x679, 1527445816014.jpg)

I feel like I‘m just noticing a disturbing trend with my bf. I feel like he feeds off of my negative emotion, I don‘t know how to describe it. I‘m heavily dependent on him at the moment, looking for a job since moving to a new country with him.

So we‘re usually good together. I‘m the type that likes to confront things head on as they arise and am quite passionate about it, and he likes to avoid talking about things that bother him. Anyway, when I‘m trying to point out things wrong he‘ll try find something to turn the accusation back on me and I just HAVE to try make him see my point of view that he keeps minimizing, our poor communication styles can lead to these long, drawn out argumentative periods where we‘re both just fucking sad. Sometimes I can blow up on him and tell him to stop with the fucking power plays and playing victim and just listen to what I‘m saying. It‘s a bad pattern but we have different ways of dealing with it, and I want to get counseling to channel it in a more healthy way because we just kind of bounce off each other when we disagree until we‘re tired and it can take days to come to a proper resolution.

Anyway, sometimes I‘ll just become exhausted and I‘ll stop being passionate about it. After reconciliation he can say something incendiary (for example "oh I might <do thing> because I don‘t really care about <whatever topic we‘ve been arguing about that‘s important to me>") and I‘m just like "that‘s fucked to say considering how much we‘ve talked about it, but that‘s the way it is, you do you".

BUT, when I do this and just sort of maintain not bothering…the 2-4 times this has happened, EVERY time he says we should break up. And he‘ll say he doesn't love me, and due to problems. But these problems? He hasn't brought up. I mean they‘re valid issues, but he doesn't express them until it‘s "too late" and he sits there expressionless and maintains this until I‘m crying pretty bad, headache and all that when I‘m trying to tell him it‘s a problem easily resolved. Eventually he says "OK, that‘s a reasonable solution" and we‘re back on. But it absolutely wrecks me for at least a day, I‘m fucking numb from it. He tells me he does love me and tries to make me feel better.

But see, when he initially says he wants to break up, I‘m pretty calm about it (probably my panic mode) and I try to discuss the logical reasons. And he‘ll say things that are so cold…and just maintain throwing those things in until I‘m sobbing.

I don‘t know if it‘s deliberate. Is he just so poor at communication that he thinks the best thing to do is hold in your problems until breaking point then blow up and see if I can save it, or is it a more calculated behaviour? I don‘t get it but it‘s harmful af to my mental health and I always feel like I need to be so careful after to not repeat the things he has a problem with, in case he goes straight to "you‘re not changing any, let‘s break up".

No. 123185

>>123178
This is going to sound really harsh ….. But I think he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward to actually go through with it. He is waiting for that day when you agree so he doesn't have to feel like a bad guy.

But if I give him the benefit of the doubt, it's possible his personal problems are causing him lack of love and energy, and maybe everything will work out when he has fixed them.

No. 123190

>>123178
He's immature at best or doesn't love you at worst.
I would not feel loved in a relationship where if I brought up an issue that I felt passionate about, that breaking up would be held over my head while I'm jobless and in a foreign country. He's absolutely power playing you, and he's mean.

No. 123201

>>123178
Find a job and move, it could help in the long run to give him space to grow up since he’s acting like a child

No. 123204

>>123201
What this anon said.

I'm in a similar situation but I'm more like your bf in this case. We love each other so we are moving apart for a while to see if space is what we need.

No. 123255

I'm considering breaking up with my boyfriend.
We are in our late 20s, we've been together for 5 years and we still love each other a lot but lately he's been bothering me with baby talk.
I stated clearly in our first dates that I will never be a mother. I am not mentally stable and pregnancy, giving birth, and everything that comes after frightens me. I don't care my bloodline will die with me, it's not like I am some genius who needs to contribute to the gene pool.
He was cool with it then but lately I feel like he's trying to push it and testing the waters to see if I changed my mind.
I already told him to start looking for another girl if he wants a baby but he answered he doesn't want any…yet. I'm afraid he will dump me after we hit our mid-thirties and I will be unable to find someone else. I'd rather end it now so we can both settle with what we want and have no trouble because of age.

No. 123258

>>123255
If you don't want babies you shouldn't worry about aging out of dating.

No. 123259

>>123258
I believe she means trouble with age in terms of having children (which applies both to men and women). You have to have a serious talk with him. If he does want children, it's not fair to continue the relationship. He should be with someone who shares the same wants for the future, as should you.

No. 123260

>>123258
what >>123259 said plus I still don't want to spend my life alone. Decent men who want no children are impossible to find.

No. 123274

What do you guys think about introvert & extrovert in a relationship? Maybe you can say something from your own experience?

Well, I'm introverted and shy, and the guy I'm talking with is an outgoing extrovert. In his opinion, he's an ambivert but nah. He does have a "calmer" side that we bonded over… but I've only ever heard of it, never seen it actually. He's constantly out with friends, partying, drinking, being spontaneous, he just got back from an abroad trip and in few days he's going somewhere again. Honestly, I'm tired just hearing about his antics, like I legit get secondhand social energy drainage.

I don't really see it working out between us. I just won't be able to catch up with him, and I can see him getting bored with me because of it.
(And he's out drinking too often for my liking.)

But maybe I'm pessimistic? I can see the good sides, like the introvert getting out and experiencing more and the extrovert engaging in something stable and genuine.

They say opposites attract, yet I'm realizing now that every couple I know has a very similar social energy.

No. 123275

>>123274
It can work if one party is an introvert and the other is somewhat of an extrovert but partying, travel and drinking all the time is not extraversion, it's behaving irresponsibly and childishly.

No. 123277

>>123274
Introvert and extrovert can work if both sides learn from each other and find a balance.
Anyways, when you're together with someone you have to sacrifice your partying and traveling regardless, but he sounds like he's too much into it to walk towards your needs. It might be good and healthy for you if you find someone who's extravert, but him seems just too much everything and a major redflag who can't commit.

No. 123282

>>123274
A little extroverted is fine, but a guy who goes partying and drinking a lot is not boyfriend material.

No. 123283

>>123274
this can work if both people are willing to compromise (staying in on some weekends or you going out once in awhile) but if it's his constant partying and drinking that's worrying you, that's a legitimate concern

No. 123285

I met a guy at a specialty shop that I work at that I like a lot. I flirted with him for a while and he asked for my number, etc. We talked a bit more and then he had to leave so I could talk to the customers that had just come in. We went out the next day to a bar, and only talked for about two hours while with two of his friends (which I happened to already know), so it wasn't terribly personal. We were supposed to have got there hours earlier but there was a horrible storm that rolled in off the mountains that made it unsafe to drive.

Now a week later he has invited me to go to a barbecue with his group up in the mountains about an hour and a half away (normal for this particular area and social circle), and said he would 'see if I could spend the night.'

First off, I have no idea where I would even be staying, and I really don't know if I'm comfortable sleeping with this guy on a second date. I have never had a one night stand or anything like that, and have never casually dated. Only been in one long-term relationship, and we met online, we never went on an actual 'date' before we moved in together. Never had sex with anyone else. But, that relationship was horribly abusive and I definitely do not want to replicate that. I am generally really uncomfortable around sex due to body anxiety and can only get into it when I am drunk.

I don't know if I should go with it or not. On one hand I want to simply say that I'm not comfortable spending the night; I could probably just go to the event and then drive back later. But I'm also somewhat intrigued and would have a lot of fun at this event, and since I would definitely get drunk if I don't need to drive, could almost definitely enjoy having sex like that anxiety-free. I also would love to start embracing myself more and dating casually, even if things don't work out with this guy. But I also am uncomfortable with my body and have some self-harm scars on my upper thighs (hidden except in underwear) that I obviously haven't revealed to this guy yet considering we met last week, and I'm anxious about confronting that…

I haven't texted him back yet because I don't know which route I want to go. Pls help.

No. 123286

>>123285
Is there a way you could lightly/jokingly ask about the sleeping arrangements to see where his head is at? It’s really far away to put yourself in a situation you might not be comfortable in.

No. 123287

>>123286
The distance is actually normal for this type of thing, the town this event is going to be in is a regular hangout for a lot of people here. I've actually been there a few times myself, that's where I met this guy's friends. This guy was there those times too, apparently, but we didn't interact at that point.

A common first date here is 'you get on the back of my motorcycle and we'll go into the mountains and hang out at (x) bar.' In this case, I wouldn't be riding with him, I would just drive over in my car when I get off of work, which alleviates a lot of anxiety about it, since I can leave whenever I want, as long as I don't have a lot to drink.

I'll text him something like what you said tomorrow morning. First I think I will jokingly ask about where exactly this staying overnight would take place. Depending on what he says I will either agree (if there genuinely seem to be no expectations), or straight out say I'm not sure I'm comfortable staying over and would prefer to just drive back later at night. If he reacts negatively then that's just an early red flag to never speak to him again.

Thanks for responding, I have a really hard time with things like this.

No. 123294

>>123287
Anon the plan of drinking and then sleeping over in a strange house sets off alarm bells. I get your thoughts of it being fun and wanting to be adventurous but hours away from home, drunk, with a guy you've had one previous two hour long date with… Girl set higher standards for yourself

And getting drunk for your first time fucking someone might ease your nerves but that's such an unhealthy way of experiencing sex and leaves you really open to being coerced

If he's expecting you to be in the same bed then the red flags are already there girl

No. 123296

I've woken up feeling irritated at my boyfriend. Im annoyed I can't have a normal sexual relationship with him for whatever reason he has (anxiety?). I want to fuck, and I want to be intimate and share the experience with him. If I want him to do anything remotely sexual to me, I have to wait until past 9pm and then its like a chore for him.
Im a virgin and we've been together for 2 years and I love him but it's so annoying. It pisses me off that I found this almost perfect guy and then our sexual incompatibility is just horrendous. He says he loves me, loves my body, he doesn't watch porn frequently (like once a month, usually when im at work) and refuses the idea that he's asexual. I just want a reason, a good reason why im not good enough to turn him on, we’re both young and I don’t understand it. I've tried everything even stepping out of my own comfort zone, getting fit by going to the gym, trying stuff I read online, wanting to try his kinks etc.He critiqued it at one point saying like "oh well putting on black underwear isn't enough". I bought lingerie and spent time making myself look better to try and ignite something in him and apparently, it's not good enough? But nothing else is either!?
I’ve spoken to him as honestly and openly as possible and it goes nowhere, I’ve cried to him, begged him to tell me what’s wrong and I just get” I don’t know”. He is going to therapy but not trying to do what the therapist suggests.
I know all I could do is wait for him or break up and both hurt equally. A part of myself is thinking to just try one more year and if nothing improves then I’ll have to leave him, but I feel horrible holding this thought whilst I live with him and tell him I love him. I just need some support because I can’t tell anyone about this in person.

No. 123297

>>123296

If you are a virgin while dating and living with someone for 2 years, he is definitely asexual. I'm a bit worried about when you go to get a new boyfriend, most guys are extremely rapey, while you have internalized these ideas of not being "good enough," most guys will be all over you like a rash at the first opportunity, then ghost/dump you. Please be careful with other guys, what he is doing is definitely not normal. I understand your frustration, if he wasn't totally asexual it seems like there would be no problems in the relationship.

No. 123298

File: 1568368532655.jpg (21.2 KB, 540x388, c1a8148334d64c32030da94213926a…)

>>123275
>>123277
>>123282
>>123283
Thanks, that really helped me! I guess I subconsciously decribed his behaviour as extroverted to excuse it for myself, while in reality he's acting quite childish and like a dog set off the leash.

I guess I'll need to be more assertive if anything develops between us. Because I have 0 love experience I'm not really sure what I can expect and demand. So it's reassuring to see I'm not being unreasonable and it's okay to ask him to tone it down. Again, thanks.

No. 123299

>>123297
thank you, that's what I think about quite frequently. I am obviously extremely happy he doesn't view me as a sexual object 24/7. He really does value me and see me as a person and I agree, if this wasn't an issue the relationship would be perfect I think.

No. 123300

>>123299
You need to decide how important sexual satisfaction is to you, if it is very important then you are within your rights to move on and find someone more compatible

We get so many women on here posting about being asexual and having highly sexed bfs so if he is asexual he might not have great difficulty finding a woman with a low or non existent drive.

You both deserve to feel content and sexually compatible with someone

No. 123304

>>123296
He’s gay or asexual or has severe Madonna whore complex. See if he’ll be okay with you getting a boy toy lol

No. 123305

>>123185
>>123190
>>123201

Thanks for replying, my aim is to find a job asap because I don‘t like being this vulnerable. I‘m not sure if it was implied in my main post, but I meant he ONLY tries to initiate a breakup when I become detached and weary. Not during a heated argument or when he really disagrees with something. Only when I‘m like "whatever" instead of getting in his face about it.

After this time more evidence (I think) is pointing to him trying to get a reaction out of me.
This time it really affected me. He was persistent (until I was very upset) and said long term damaging things. But the evening and days afterwards, he said the opposite to most of those statements. Now from what I know of him he‘s not the type to lie, if it‘s an unpleasant truth he just won‘t bring it up. And right after the scary prospect of breaking up I don‘t want to question him on why he‘s saying he loves me now when he was saying he didn‘t a few hours ago.

He‘s fully back to acting the way he did beforehand, and seemed almost irritated I wasn‘t just plain relieved and happy we‘re still together like I usually am. But to me what he said had me questioning EVERYTHING and where I and the relationship stood. Breaking up is constantly on my mind and if I offhandedly mention it he gets upset and quiet, saying "why'd you have to bring it up?" and that he wasn‘t thinking about it. How could he not be thinking about it?! I bring up questions regarding logistics of therapy (a caveat to staying together), and he‘s less than interested about the details. This guy who was so insistent that these problems are relationship ending, who said that therapy is an absolute must to continue is now…it feels like he‘s trying to brush it completely under the rug again? If he wanted to break up, wouldn‘t he acknowledge the faults and problems brought up afterwards? Instead of being like "ah it‘s OK" when I ask him what‘s to be done better?

I think at best it‘s immaturity, at worst cruelty. But maybe it is something I‘m overlooking. He‘s never been in a serious relationship before (either romantic or platonic) so I feel like there‘s no baseline for him in what‘s an acceptable way to act. But I sure hope it‘s not him deliberately upsetting me.

No. 123320

Is there anyone here who got married very young and then started to deeply regret it much later? I don't even want to cheat, though I have met a very interesting person and have started exploring parts of my sexuality I never knew existed. I was pretty asexual when I got married.

I want a divorce but I'm being emotionally blackmailed to stay married. We don't have kids, but it will destroy my husband's career. He's in seminary.

I don't know why I made such terrible choices years ago. All the red flags with my husband were there. He can be very cold and controlling. Separated me from my family. Berated me and even violated me a few times. Judges my wardrobe and the few friends I have. He doesn't take care of himself physically at all. He's got high blood pressure, borderline diabetes and is obese in his early thirties. I feel guilty listing his flaws because I have flaws too.

Is emotional blackmail a thing? He knows I have a problem with guilt. If I finish something even a little late for work, I'm wracked with guilt. I don't think my beliefs align with his anymore and he knows it but disapproves, of course. He wants kids but the thought makes me nauseous. We talked before marriage and agreed that we didn't really want kids. Then suddenly he has some kid epiphany and wants one. I hate being on hormones but got on BC to protect my sanity. But he's so fat we don't really have sex anyway.

Obviously I should just get a divorce but how do I live with myself afterwards?

No. 123321

>>123320
Happily. You live happily with yourself afterwards, anon.

No. 123323

>>123320
Your second paragraph starts with 'I want a divorce' and that says it all really.

Maybe he'll emotionally blackmail you or fight dirty but he can't hold you hostage in a marriage you don't want. Might aswell rip the bandaid off and deal with the inevitable tantrum now rather than later

I've been with a controlling man who called all the shots and the weight that was lifted after leaving was immense

No. 123337

>>123320
Better divorce now than later. Honestly and unironically yolo, even if you are a hardcore christian, you still only have one human life on this planet and you should not spend it being some neglected and miserable 18th century clergy wife, so many women before fought so you wouldn't have to. You are literally wasting your time with him for his sake when evidently he does not care to extend the same effort to you.

No. 123338

>>123320
He agreed to no kids then changed his mind. He is emotionally abusive. You owe him nothing.

No. 123341

>>123320
>fat unhealthy clergyman who doesn't consummate his own marriage controls and berates you wants to also saddle you with his kids he told you he never wanted to have

Run away anon and live your life.
Let him figure out his own path between him and his God.

No. 123361

File: 1568414180700.jpg (55.99 KB, 1300x650, screen-shot-2017-03-13-at-7011…)

"if you've got something good, don't let go of it"
How true is this?
I really love my boyfriend of 2 years. I find him attractive and we have a pretty good sex life. He treats me with love, even to the point of pampering me, but is still respectful of my desire to not feel tied down. He's been a near-perfect partner, on paper.
Some cons: he's white and can barely talk about race/gender issues besides nodding his head to whatever I say, which bores me. I don't expect him to have the same hobbies/fixations as me, but he has almost nothing of value to say about art/culture. He's not as proactive with stuff like cooking and cleaning.
The main thing is, I just feel bored… this is the longest and most stable relationship I've ever been in, by far.
I get infatuated with people easily, and the crushes always pass, but I feel guilty. Sometimes I even go on random dating apps/sites to look around and chat with random people (not sexting, just small talk, I always ghost). it kind of feels like window shopping.
It feels wrong and I feel really guilty because I feel like I'm REALLY toeing the line of emotionally cheating… but I know I would never cross the line into actually leading someone on or physically cheating. But like, have I already ruined the integrity of the relationship? My boyfriend has never hurt me. Am I on the path of ruining something good? If I break up with my boyfriend in search of a more invigorating relationship, am I just going to end up with another abusive guy again?
Many things to ponder, I have

No. 123365

>>123361
Lol, don't lie and say you love him. Just because you feel like you should, but doesn't mean you actually do. You wouldn't be looking at other options if you did, and you would talk about your problems with him instead. You should just leave and find someone who excites you. The reason you are feeling guilty is bc you know he should be with someone who loves him and not someone who is trying to maintain the status quo.

No. 123370

Bf tried to break up with me on the phone because of his chronic depression and our lack of infatuation/intimacy lately. I told him I'd try to improve our relationship and that I'll romance him. He said he doesn't want to hurt me and that he'll try but he doesn't know how it can get better.

I told him there's more options to try for his depression. He's tried therapy a few times, sobriety, self medication, real depression medication, ect. He feels hopeless. I told him there's more to try and that he shouldn't give up on himself.

He also expressed feeling slight jealousy about my best guy friend. We cried a lot but I assured him I never want him to feel that way and that he can tell me everything.

Overall, he told me we could try. How can I not mess this up? He is my literal soulmate, regardless of the details, I believe they can all be fixed. I just need to get that infatuation, or that flame going again.

No. 123371

>>123370
sounds like a typical uwu sensitive boy who just wants you to do all the emotional labor

you can't make him like you or fall for you anon, just let him go and see what happens

No. 123372

>>123370
that infatuation feeling isn't supposed to last forever its just a stage in a relationship. Loving someone doesn't mean that you always feel like that. Depressed people often chase that infatuation feeling like a drug and relationship hop but keep finding that it doesn't last and break up. He really needs therapy and to find that kind of warmth within himself because even if you do light the flame again it's going to go out if he doesn't put the work in. Don't drain yourself putting energy into him.

No. 123379

>>123371
I explained poorly, I think. He didn't exactly know if he wanted to break up. He said he wasn't sure a lot. But now he's being really lovey. He wanted to have a serious talk in person tomorrow and I was terrified it'd be a break up… but now he told me he wants to kiss me. He's currently about to send me a nude. I just feel very shocked at the shift.

No. 123380

>>123372
I totally see your point, and I will discuss how infatuation naturally fades when I see him in person tomorrow. He isn't really up for putting in a ton of work, you're right… but I still think we can focus on him fixing the depression before our relationship.

Without a doubt we have these shared feelings of being soulmates. We have kissed and it felt like magic for years. Now it's just kissing. I can't explain it but he completely understands and I think we can fix it. Towards eachother, we have felt in ways we've never felt with anyone else. Even though the infatuation has left, we still have these things, that he knows is there and also doesn't want to lose.

I guess this is why this is so hard and messy. I know it sounds awful to drain myself but I would absolutely try my best to make this relationship work because I don't want to love anyone else really. This relationship is so unique… ugh

No. 123381

>>123379
my point still stands, sounds like he just wants to make you a side hoe

No. 123408

>>123370
Regardless of mental health don't ever talk someone out of a break up once they start hinting at it, it only prolongs the death of the relationship

His complaint about a lack of infatuation is him saying 'fuck me more or we're breaking up' Then he sends you nudes afterwards lol, We have an uwu depresssed fuck-boy!

Don't waste your emotions on that shit

No. 123429

My best guy friend has a crush on me. He's a good friend but I would never date him, he's just not my type. I'm also moving away in less than a year and am committed to not dating.

Last night we got drunk and he held my hand, was touching my leg…and I didn't stop it because I was drunk but I seriously don't want anything to happen. He's a good guy who wants a serious relationship but I can't provide that. He's also a virgin and wants to lose it to the "one" but obviously that isn't going to be me unless he deludes himself further into thinking that we can be together.

I don't know what to do, I want to remain friends but I've told him that I'm not dating anyone for this year and that I'm moving away guaranteed. Does it sound like he's trying to date me? Any advice on what to do?

No. 123434

>>123361
But why are you bored? You're either very spoiled and being a bitch to your boyfriend or don't really love him and a bitch to your boyfriend. You'd better stop this behaviour, sort out your feelings before you go on on this emotional cheating to him.

>>123370
You sound very young, Anon. If he's really depressed, try to push him doing new stuff together and understand what you both really feel and if he's still in love with you, work on it. Love is not easy, and if it's the first serious relationship, it's not automatic you know how you feel when you're no more infatuated but still love the other person. Love is a living thing, it must change costantly and adapt on who you are in the moment. Talk a lot and try to decide if you want to go on on working on your relationship or letting go.

No. 123439

>>123429
This happened to me years ago except he pulled me aside and told me he was in love with me. I told him I couldn’t see him that way and it ruined our friendship but he got married a couple years later so I think it was better for him in the long run. Just don’t send mixed signals because it won’t save the friendship. You’re not obligated to see him romantically just because he sees you that way, but it won’t necessarily end well.

No. 123504

>>123429
>>123439
Update: he tried to come onto me while we were drunk… and this is a guy who's super chivalrous and wants a serious relationship yet he can't take no for an answer of why I don't want to date him. Men are fucking garbage.

No. 123509

>>123294
I did it tbh, it went really well. He was very respectful and open. I originally intended to drive back later, but we were getting along really well, so I broke out the vodka and we did end up having drunk sex. Now I'm no longer nervous about it at all and feel more comfortable seeing him in the future. All I needed was confirmation that he wasn't going to be repulsed by my body in an anxiety-free scenario. I get that it isn't the paragon of health, but it's what I wanted, and it went even better than I thought it would.

No. 123511

>>123361
How do you feel about exes who surf dating sites to talk to girls?

No. 123512

>>123511
they're an ex, who gives a fuck what they do

No. 123523

>>123511
None of my business what any of my exes do

No. 123524

>>123504
You don't need to provide men with a good reason or excuse for your lack of interest in dating them. I love when they pester you with "But why not?!?"

That's usually my cue to talk about how I'm sooo not attracted to them lol

No. 123535

If a guy came up and talked to me during the day at university do I have a chance with him?

I'm terribly inexperienced and social inept, so I can't even tell if he's interested. For larger reference, he sat across from me on the bus one day (and I stared because he's physically ideal to me) then a couple days later he saw me in the cafeteria and after hesitating just started chatting with me. It was a pleasant conversation and we exchanged social media. It was at my offer since he was wondering if I could help him with a class I took before (he's younger). I messaged first though and don't know if that's bad? He replies but I feel like I'm carrying the conversation, despite him carrying it more irl. Perhaps I read him talking to me as romantic when it wasn't? Although I have no idea why he would otherwise but people are an enigma to me.

Also: am I just fretting this too much when no man is worth it? Kek

No. 123536

figured i'd come forward and finally ask for some advice regarding this nonsense

i've been talking to this guy every day for eight months. we'll call him D. he's 25 and i'm 22. we're in love with eachother, call eachother pet names, tell eachother 'i love you', spend hours of our free time together, etc. the problem is that he lives across the country. this whole thing is very new for him and sort of new for me (i've had one "online" boyfriend before but we moved in together quickly and stayed together for 2 years). i really adore everything about him. he gets jealous when there's other men involved and vice versa. it's a relationship without the label.

the problem is that he's not interested in an official relationship right now, which is okay, but we've had an argument a few months ago where he told me that he wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to put a label on things. this hurt me and i stopped interacting until he'd said it was stupid that he said all that he did and that he's just not ready /yet/.

zoom to now. we're still on this "not dating but dating" thing. all of our friends know about it as he's started telling me he loves me in front of them. everyone thinks we need to meet and see if we vibe as people in person. i've brought it up and he's gotten really nervous about it. i did some FBI shenanigans and didn't find anything out of the ordinary or conspicuous. he's 'single' and doesn't interact with women in his daily life like he does me since when he gets back from work, we're talking or spending time together. there really isn't any evidence /at all/ to suggest anything with that. it genuinely just seems like he's emotionally stunted and afraid to commit. he keeps a barrier up because he's afraid of trusting people.

overall, i just want some advice regarding what i should do. i don't wanna pressure him or make him uncomfortable. i just want to know if putting forth an ultimatum is fair or unfair or i don't know.

No. 123537

how do i get over the fact that someone i poured my whole heart into for many, many, many years, and sacrificed so much for, and had so much hope for, literally does not care about me, has contempt for me and would not care if i died? not for good enough reason, imo. he will never change but i can't let go of the potential. that kills me. i see the relationship for its full potential and he only sees it negatively, always.

what bothers me is that i feel like he would care for me and love me if he knew me, but he doesn't, and won't ever know me because he doesn't want to get to know me. he assumes everything and completely shuts down all communication. when he does speak to me after ignoring me for days because he misses me, there is never any resolution. he refuses to resolve anything so he goes on holding onto issues that could be understood if he tried. he literally evades any attempt to address any issue. it's ineffably painful. i care so much for him and i know there's so much potential, but he wants to sabotage it because he misunderstands me.

No. 123547

>>123535
Definitely yes. He is the one who came up to you and it doesn't sound like either of you is trying too hard to keep conversations going.
Just ask him if he'd like to hang out/get some drinks sometime. His response will probably provide some clarification as to whether or not he's interested romantically and if you're still not sure the actual meeting will change that.

No. 123561

>>123537
how do you know he would care and love you if he knew you? what makes you think that is he doesn't even seemed bothered to put in the effort in the first place? you need to love yourself, anon. a guy who is constantly viewing your relationship with him in a negative life isn't worth your time. you need to cut your losses now.

No. 123563

>>123536
>all of our friends know about it as he's started telling me he loves me in front of them

Have you met this guy? Is telling you he loves you on his facetime calls or whatever?

You really need to meet in person ASAP. Spend a week together. All your questions will be answered.

No. 123572

>>123561
thanks for responding, anon. i appreciate it. because all of the things he values, i possess, he just can't see it because of a few things: we met when i was a teen and i was forced into acting like a "cool girl" after having been abused and beaten down by my ex for being a prude and just, you know how society encourages us to take any and all shit and appease everything, and my abusive dad is literally the biggest whore and honest to god sex addict, that i've ever seen. my fam refuses to let him use the same utensils or cups or towels as them, they're that sure he carries countless diseases. so, this really impacted the way i acted around men. (i wasn't a slut, just a cool girl – never shoe tier, but regarding speaking about sex, i was one). i met him when i was doing really poorly in terms of my mental health, finances, everything, like, my mom and i were on the verge of homelessness again, and i just generally tainted his view of me because i was not able to be myself around men, especially not when i was so vulnerable. this is the image he has of me still, essentially a 'cool girl' when the reality is so much different. i can't even explain how much it hurts to be so misunderstood and not seen, especially when you know this person would understand you and connect with you if they tried. i had admittedly lied about a few things to him because i knew he'd judge me harshly (he was a virgin, crazy jealous, hasty in assumptions and blowing up) and i cared about him so much and i knew he'd assume and i'd be misunderstood further. i felt like it was a very "damned if i do, damned if i don't" situation.

he misunderstands everything and most of our foundational experiences were built around a time in which i was being pretty heavily abused, and i always have been really dissociative both naturally thanks to trauma, and i was doing drugs or drinking almost all of the time, so i did things he hadn't approved of basically because when people guilted me when i was younger i'd cave for fear of being abused, but he thinks the way i spoke to people, how i felt, all of it was genuine. he read through my messages with other guys from when we weren't' dating (all guys i didn't have feelings for, and certain guys, when they'd pressure me, i'd tell them things they wanted to hear so they wouldn't call me a bitch for rejecting them or just abandon me during really vulnerable times) and he assumes still that i was attracted to these people when i really wasn't. he's almost 26 and has never gotten drunk, doesn't understand what it's like to be drunk or high on anything but weed, whereas most of my life i've spent trying to numb pain from abuse and i have done some regrettable things that he thinks were truly and honestly sexually motivated. if i had his life, i would've been exactly like him too, but i didn't, i suffered a lot and most of my life has been centered around mitigating and reducing abuse and the suffering i felt. he has no compassion for me because he thinks i'm a slut and a liar that WANTS to hurt him and enjoys hurting him. i didn't take him seriously when we first dated and i acted like a wacko because i had been nothing but abused and talked over and abandoned at that point, and he refuses to forgive me, he just thinks i'm a conniving asshole and a slut when he's so wrong. i would've never acted that way if i hadn't felt like other people would treat me better if i did, and i wouldn't have been so reactive if my entire life hadn't been abuse and abandonment and being told constantly by my whore dad that "all men cheat, men see sex like taking a shower, men lose interest and will cheat, that's normal and acceptable, sex is so important to men and relationships", and i am so jealous with literally the worst inability to control my emotions i've ever seen, so i really did act like a dismissive and reactive weirdo to him out of fear, etc. despite this, there's something really magical about our connection and he refuses to really see it. he seems to see it, but then he gets bogged down with just thinking negative stuff about me on a loop, that i'm untrustworthy and i don't love him, that i am a slut, whatever else negative he thinks. i know he doesn't care about me as he sees me, though, which i can't even blame him for, because he is not "seeing" me.

really sorry for the wall of text.

No. 123573

>>123547
Thanks anon, I'll ask tomorrow since I know he'll be there at the same window of time I have a class cancelled. He almost asked me to lunch today but I was already at home.
I guess I'm so unsure since I view obsessive clinginess as true interest, but I guess he might just be…healthy. Remarkable.

No. 123575

>>123572
Ntayrt but he seems like the wrong person to be with you, there has been too many lies involved. He won't hear from you, let him go and be sincere from the beginning next time. You don't need to lose yourself to him, love yourself more

No. 123578

Any advice leaving a codependent relationship when you’re basically the other person’s only support system and they’re always having some type of issues? Mine has a dysfunctional relationship with his abusive mother but she’s currently going through organ failure and basically there is no timeline on when she’ll get a transplant or how long she’ll live without one (could be weeks, could be years). I’m just so emotionally drained but I don’t understand how someone can come out of this situation not looking like a huge, insensitive asshole.

No. 123591

>>123572
it seems the magical connection you think you have is really one-sided. since you did act like a wacko when you two were originally together, you can’t blame him for not wanting to be with you, even if the reason you acted up was because of factors out of your hand. he doesn’t seem to be very understanding of your past traumas, and from what you’ve written it genuinely does come across as you pining over someone who isn’t right for you. i’d still say cut your losses, what is it about this guy that makes you want him so badly when he doesn’t understand you?

No. 123601

>>123536
Might be a case for MTV’s catfish lol. No, for real, you should meet him asap to see if this has a future or not. And also to see if this person is real or has any unpleasant secrets. A video call with him would be a good first step to verify that he is real. But even then, there is a possibility that he is only interested in online interaction and not in meeting/a relationship. Really only one way to find out. And please keep us updated!

No. 123614

>>123572
Honestly try to look into why exactly you like this guy, i‘m sure the reason isn‘t going to be pure love. Maybe he‘s the first romantic prospect to treat you nicely and not pressure you.

That said, he doesn‘t seem all that nice. It takes a real lack of empathy to not be sympathetic with someone who‘s gone abuse and sees their coping methods as just who they are. It‘s either a lack of empathy or complete disinterest. And if some day he‘s "convinced" you‘re not a conniving asshole and slut? Like those characteristics that are causing this isn‘t just a one off situation. That‘s him and that lack of empathy is going to come up over and over.

My guess is you see this as your ONE chance and nobody‘s ever going to get you like that, so you can‘t give up on him. I‘d really advise you do, you‘ll feel a freedom in voluntarily letting something bad like this go. I can say youll find someone else eventually, but that‘s not the point. Don‘t waste your time on this person who doesn‘t care to see you for you.

No. 123618

>>123563
>>123601

no, never any facetime - just selfies. i know it's him (this is mean to say) because he's a pretty plain/average looking guy who's pretty chubby. it doesn't really matter to me because his personality is incredible. he keeps up well and that's all that matters to me.

i brought it up and he said it'd be cool to get some dinner and talk. that's good news! however, my friend told me to be wary as he fears that if i fly down there, it'll go one of two ways: either we don't click and it ruins our friendgroup/interactions or we click way too well and we nosedive into something we're not ready for just yet.

thanks for the responses! i don't know how soon i'll be able to manage a flight across the country but more than anything i just hope he and i vibe as people.

No. 123689

I‘ve always left details out of posts for the sake of plausible deniability, but idk I think I need to give them.

So I‘ve had trouble believing that my opinions and feelings were listened to and cared about. My bf was invited out for a short holiday with coworkers, and when I expressed disappointment and discontent that I wasn‘t welcome his stance was a defensive "I don‘t care you‘re not coming, I want to go so I‘ll go", and that set off an ugly argument. My expectations of the thing changed around a lot, it eventually broadened to arguing about how much influence your partner had on what you do. I thought it was a matter of respect to ask your partner if it‘s alright to leave for several days, he thought no such thing is needed. I told him I don‘t feel heard or respected, end result being I‘ll join him over there after the holiday. He offered freely. But I‘d be arriving halfway through the last group day.

I ask him to come pick me up from the airport (very foreign, non euro country plus I was feeling bad about the whole thing) and he reassured me he would. Closer to the date he told me that there was an activity he wanted to do which meant I‘d be waiting 6+ hours if I wanted him to pick me up. He could cancel, but he wouldn‘t. End result I told him to give me detailed explanations on how to get from the airport to where we‘ll stay.

What I‘m having trouble with is that…it feels like he keeps crossing what actually matters to me, but he DOES seem to care about how I feel. He was willing to sacrifice a lot. Taking days off work, changing flights etc. Before he left he set us both up for a subscription to an activity which I know will keep me occupied. It was EXPENSIVE. He‘s written a kind letter for me to read whenever I feel annoyed at him when I‘m away. He‘s happy to pay for my individual therapy because I‘m a clingy, jealous, insecure person (I know this, it‘s not that he told me) and I don‘t like feeling that way. He‘s compulsively writing little details in a document to send to me with hints and tips about the country to make it easy as possible. It‘s now 10+ pages when I was expecting a text of the bus number basically. He‘s talked to people (which he hates doing) to give me more information. And of course, I‘ll be going on holiday.

So it‘s not like he has this complete disregard for me, and my requests can be unreasonable, but the way he‘ll say no to them can be so cruel (as in "I want to do it, so I don‘t care how you feel"). And some things ARE shitty from him, like assuring me he‘ll pick me up then going back on it. And I‘m fluctuating between resenting him for crossing those boundaries of mine that he‘s willing to do all those things in the aforementioned paragraph.

In this whole situation I‘m being treated like a total princess, right? Objectively I‘m seeing all the things he‘s doing for me, but emotionally it feels like I‘ve been walked over. I‘ll say something is important to me, but what he wants overrides that, and in exchange I get some luxury. But I don‘t know, it‘s hard to see this objectively.

My expectations are fucking high considering what‘s actually happening, right? It‘s always been about mutual respect in a relationship for me, not the monetary benefits. Hell we could be shit poor (and with exes I have been) and it‘d be fine so long as I knew every time a conflict came up we‘d think of how we could make it work together instead of thinking of how we get what we want.

I think I just want people to tell me to snap the fuck out of it and see how good I have it.

No. 123691

This sounds kinda assholeish:

>Closer to the date he told me that there was an activity he wanted to do which meant I‘d be waiting 6+ hours if I wanted him to pick me up. He could cancel, but he wouldn‘t. End result I told him to give me detailed explanations on how to get from the airport to where we‘ll stay.


The fact "being annoyed at him" is an assumed constant is weird. Basically confirms that he knows he is irritating you and won't change:

>He‘s written a kind letter for me to read whenever I feel annoyed at him when I‘m away


It sounds like he is not prepared to drop anything or change to make you happy, instead dropping money on you and writing letters and text files or whatever instead of whatever actual thing he should have been doing.
I don't think this is being treated like a "princess". The stuff about ignoring wishes and not changing plans makes it seem he treats you as a humored child, not a respected partner. You are not equal in his eyes. I find this slightly unsettling.

I feel like the escalation for this would be stuff like you giving birth alone in hospital because he was "busy" or some emergency happening at home which he didn't attend to but bought some flowers to apologize after. Your feelings are constantly getting ignored with acts of apology quick to follow, yet the kind thing would be to actually give a shit about your wishes. Not gaslight you into thinking you're being an unreasonable princess for wanting to be considered as an equal by your partner.

No. 123693

>>123691
Samefag: my summary is you are treated as a humored afterthought.

The fact you feel upset or annoyed at him all the time is extremely related! (Meaningless/insignificant) acts of kindness to make up for larger acts of selfishness makes for a relationship rollercoaster, and makes him an unreliable partner. He's hurting you (symbolically speaking) and then buying the plaster to go over the wound.

No. 123710

>>123618
I would also try and videocall him/webcam chat before you go, I would be wary to meet someone only from selfies in 2019. It will give you an idea of how you two will be like in person. And maybe bring someone with you when you go to visit, like organise a trip between you and a friend to this place, the "date" can be an activity you do on that trip. If you get along well you can spend more time together, otherwise the opportunity to bail is there.

No. 123726

A guy I'm interested in asked me to hang out with he and his friends on a whim today (we happened to be near each other) but I said no.
Was this a mistake? I don't like groups and I've only talked with him alone irl once so far.
And what could he mean by this? Is it friendzoning that he doesn't want to spend more time alone first, or is it rushing me to get along with his friends?

No. 123728

>>123726
or mby he just thought you were cool and wanted to hang out? ngl kinda shit you missed out on this, could have evaluated how you really feel about him by seeing how he acts round his friends irl too

No. 123730

>>123689
You're being a bit needy, imo. It's called a compromise; you both get somewhat of something you want but not entirely one or the other's way.

You said you felt bad that he wasn't inviting you on the holiday and didn't ask your opinion beforehand.
After the altercation he reneged and let you join after a point which is a reasonable compromise for upsetting you. Btw it is not uncommon for other people on coworker holidays to go without their spouse's approval and tell their spouses that they can't go.
He changed his flights and altered his schedule, and he signed you up for an expensive activity.
Another great compromise.
The downside is that he told you he'd have to pick you up 6 hours later. Surely you could find something to occupy your time? The reason why he's compulsively typing a point to point itinerary after you voiced concern about that is so you cannot accuse him of not being considerate of you again.

I don't see where the problem is here.

No. 123732

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, we own a house together and live together though have not married. I’m not sure if I’m happy in this relationship. I have love for him, but not passion. My main issue is that we rarely ever do anything together (he shoots down most activities I suggest because he would rather stay home on his phone, hates crowded places/people), we’ve also hard arguments about the type of language he uses when we argue (condescending, makes no effort to understand why what he says is hurtful, etc). He’s also gained about 40+ pounds since we’ve been together so I’m not as attracted to him anymore, have suggested working out/doing activities together but nothing. I feel nothing when we have sex though to his credit he does try. I just feel like as far as the relationship goes he’s become complacent and maybe I’m just bored? He does have good qualities though (has helped me through rough times, is generally supportive and always willing to help me with whatever things as needed), but I find myself wondering if this is how I want to live for the rest of my life. It’s complicated because we own a house together but I’ve contemplated breaking up unless we can work on the relationship.

I also feel guilty because I’ve been texting a friend a lot (nothing sexual), I have a small crush on him and I wonder if it’s a sign that I need to end things. I wouldn’t cheat but I think I’m getting into emotional cheating territory and that worries me.

Has anyone been through something similar?

No. 123736

>>123732
Going through something similar but we’re renting, don’t own property. Once the spark dies and he’s not taking care of himself, it’s hard to come back from that mentally. Would it be worth it to you to try counseling or trying to work on things? I recently came to terms with only seeing my partner platonically and it’s been a big eye-opener to my entire relationship. Is he aware you’re unhappy at all or would it be a shock to him to know you’re feeling this way?

No. 123737

>>123736
We’ve talked about this before, he says he is willing to work on some things but I don’t see him taking steps to do that. I know for a fact that he wouldn’t do counseling.

I just don’t know what’s realistic to expect from a relationship that is this long, do people in LTR always feel passion for each other or does it inevitably burn out? I understand that couples will always argue about things but I never expected to feel so dead emotionally.

No. 123743

>>123732
Ew, sounds like he's taking you for granted and also doesn't respect you when there are arguments/things don't go his way. No wonder why you aren't attracted to him lmao. I'd really just straight up say the things you told us are ruining your attraction towards him. Certain types of people are selfish and won't change even if they know certain things upset their SO. But once it includes him (no attraction towards him = no sex) he'll straighten up.

Unfortunately it shouldn't be that way, but he seems to be that type

>>123737
>do people in LTR always feel passion for each other or does it inevitably burn out?
It only burns out once one party stops putting in effort. You don't spend much time together, he's disrespectful towards you, doesn't take care of himself (ie. doesn't care about looking good for you)… Taking each other for granted like that is usually the sign the relationship will die out. The other partner (you) will eventually get worn down by those things and start to resent their SO more and more. It can still be fixed but he needs to change. Or at least you both need to compromise on some things. Really it's up to you if you want to salvage this relationship.

No. 123746

>>123737
I think if both people are willing to keep the spark alive, it can work long-term. It might be worth checking out r/deadbedrooms and seeing some of the perspectives of people that have lost their chemistry after 20 years of marriage. Some of the stuff on there has helped me see both sides of it.

No. 123751

>>123691
>>123693
Thanks, this gave me some more insight, I‘m glad for the validation. I‘ve been in poverty before so my friends think I‘m the luckiest and have nothing to complain about since I have this new comfortable life.

>he is not prepared to drop anything or change to make you happy


The thing is…I don‘t know what is a reasonable expectation with "changing". I‘ve had issues with being controlling before so I‘m very wary of it. I didn‘t go into the relationship thinking he‘d be great if he changed X character flaw, but I do expect at least a conversation over altering behaviour that clashes when it comes up. I honestly don‘t know what is and isn‘t a reasonable expectation in these situations. His attitude is that he shouldn‘t change something he wants to do to make me happy because my feelings are my responsibility, and I argue back that you should just…by default care about how your partner feels.

He‘s been alone. His whole life. No partners, no real close friends until me, at nearly 30 years old. When a friend or parent visits then goes, he never misses them or is sad to see them go or excited to have them arrive, for that matter. I think the loneliness affected him significantly and he thinks first and foremost about himself and what he wants and that attitude is deeply ingrained. Currently he thinks the fault lies with me for being too demanding of changes in behaviour, but we‘ll do couples counseling and maybe then he‘ll listen when someone else tells him his selfish actions help develop this insecurity. Because I wasn‘t like this when I was single or with other exes. I didn‘t have to insist that they should care about how I feel and take some kind of action towards it because it was just…done.

If he‘s resistant to the idea of being less self centered and won‘t try to change that aspect after seeing it in counseling, then it‘ll be time to drop the relationship. I‘m in a new country with him with no social net, no job and reliant on him so it‘s a very scary prospect. But every time he‘s like "yeah you feel bad but that‘s not my responsibility" it‘s like…my feelings are invalidated a little more, and eventually I‘ll stop expressing it because all it leads to is that he knows how I feel, but still goes ahead and I hurt. Which is a crazy thought because I‘m known to be an emotionally open and vulnerable person, but every time he seems to just see it as an inconvenience to fix.

No. 123776

I just started dating a guy and everything is good so far. My only issue is that he wants to go to grad school in a year and all but one school he is applying to are out of state. I've been to grad school and I get that he wants to go to the best in his field. I have no interest in stopping him and want him to have a good life.
The closest university in our city is a decent public university but the other places he is applying to are Stanford, MIT, etc and obviously a much higher ranking and career prospects for him.

We have only been dating for 3 weeks. I don't want to do a LDR and I don't want to leave my city. Should I just end it?
I told him all of this and he said to just wait because he doesn't know what the future holds, but I don't want to invest a year into a relationship just to see it end over something like this. I also would feel uncomfortable exerting any sort of pressure on him to make him go to a lower ranked school, inadvertently or overtly. I've been in 2 very long term relationships with long LDR periods in both that lasted years, so I am 100% afraid of re-entering an other. I won't do it again. He has never had a relationship before so I don't think he knows how unpleasant they can be or is even thinking that far in the future.

Advice? Should I just wait and see or end it now before we get too attached?

No. 123780

>>123776
Should be his decision but he's being indecisive and that's not nice to you. You don't sound very committed to keeping him, he doesn't sound very committed to keeping you.

Lingering in a doomed relationship, even a short time, isn't always the worst, but it often ends in unnecessary hurt.

Explore whether you want to take that risk, and don't let him be so non-committal about it in future.

No. 123832

>>123776
If he's made up his mind about going to grad school, it's completely up to you to decide whether you think it's worth it to invest in a relationship that may potentially end in a year. If you really don't want go through an LDR again, it might be best to tell him the truth and end it before getting too attached. Just as he has every right to follow his career dreams, you have every right to end it if you don't think you can handle the possibility of him leaving in a year.

It's weird because I'm in a similar position to you, but I'm the one who'll be leaving to go to grad school. I've also just started dating someone who is planning to stay in the city for another five years, so it's pretty much guaranteed that we won't be seeing much of each other after a year. Anyway, the point of saying this isn't to blogpost, but I don't think you should leave the decision to him. If the guy I'm dating left it up to me, I'd be totally fine with dating and then either shifting to a LDR or just breaking up when I have to move. I would expect that if he had any objections to that, he would tell me as otherwise I'd assume he was on the same page, so I don't think your boyfriend is necessarily being indecisive. If you really think it's going to be a problem, you should probably end it as he may be totally okay with the situation and assume that you are too. Sometimes people have different priorities in life (education vs settling down) and that can be okay, but if you want a boyfriend who will prioritize a longterm relationship as much as you do, it might be better to look elsewhere.

No. 123837

>>123830
>>123832

Thank you both for the replies. Based on what we've discussed so far, he seems like the type to want to "make it work" but I am too pessimistic from my previous LDRs and an extremely negative experience I had moving across the country to be with a past-BF. I will think this over, but I am leaning toward ending it early before either of us gets in too deep. I really like and admire him and don't want this to be painful.

No. 123843

More of an annoyance at the situation vs. an annoyance with my boyfriend but he recently moved into a house with his friends after living on his own just so he can save some money. His friends are okay but I miss the privacy we used to have.

We still go on our dates but it's awkward for me to stay over now just because I'm less comfortable knowing there's three other people in the house. I've never had roommates so it's different for me. His one roommate also has a husky and I'm allergic to dogs. The dog is a puppy still so he jumps on me and tries to lick my face (he's the same size as me when he stands up) which just aggravates my asthma even more.

I try to be agreeable because I still don't know his friends well but it bugs me going over there. We're planning on moving in together within a year so I'm trying to stick it out but I know I'll have to say something soon. I hate lying…

No. 123904

I hope this is the thread for this, but

How do you get into a relationship if you find yourself as more of a loner? I find that it's hard to just jump into things and find someone you actually give a shit about.
Any tips, personal experiences, advice?

What are some ways to take that first step?

No. 123907

>>123904
What kind of loner? Loner because youre anxious about new situations, or you're just too busy for many interpersonal relationships, or you just prefer your own company, or something else?

No. 123908

>>123907
Honestly, I'm not sure if the anxiety came from me being by myself for too long or if I prefer to be by myself because I started getting anxiety.

I'm definitely an introvert, but extroverted things still look fun. So I'm leaning towards the latter. I can be social if I have to, it's just exhausting and I'd hate to have to keep that up repeatedly just to find someone that I want to spend time with.

No. 123909

>>123908
You're very introverted, it's probably that it's the anxiety that is tiring you out. To be hyper aware in every social situation takes a toll, and it results in avoidant behaviour. Some people say gradual conditioning themselves back into more active social lives helps.

I don't have any personal experience but I'd say that alot of people on this site talk about that alot. You could try mingling with people with people you trust and let them do all the talking if you feel tired.

No. 123910

>>123909
Thanks for the advice. I'll ask around and see what's up.

I do think I'm already working my way into being more social, not turning down requests to go to bars to drink with coworkers and the like–I would say it's just a matter of turning situations like that into potentially romantic situations (not that I mean to date my coworkers)
But it's nice to know I'm heading in a decent direction.

No. 123911

>>123904
Tinder or similar dating apps. You can find other ‘loners’, tbh it’s probably a more common characteristic among men anyway (I’m assuming you’re a woman seeking a man).

Just take it easy & don’t worry about it. Maybe try just finding a FWB first if it’s the commitment / socialization that stresses you out.

No. 123912

>>123911
Tinder and Bumble come to mind, but are there any decent ones outside of that?

To follow up on FWBs
If I'm the type to really want to know and like someone before having sex, would a FWB be a good idea or a bad one?
Because it doesn't seem like too many FWBs transition into relationships.

I'm definitely into commitment, but the socialization that comes before it is what I'm really needing to know more about.

No. 123913

>>123910
You are doing great, good luck with it!
Oh and tinder is a questionable option, there's nothing more tiresome than going through a million conversations with guys who usually just want quick hookups.

No. 123914

Wow, thanks!

No. 123915


No. 123916


No. 123920

What does it mean when my boyfriend picks a fight with me, i.e. picks out one thing I say in an innocent conversation, gets super offended by it and immediately launches into attacking me, telling me I bring him down, etc. etc., saying I said or implied things I didn't mean…then when I defend myself saying I meant no harm and he's being really mean…he then says I made him feel like shit and thanks me for it in a super sarcastic tone?

Isn't this emotional abuse?

No. 123922

>>123920
I'm going to give your bf the benefit of the doubt and assume he's just projecting negativity that's he's receiving somewhere else in his life on you. Maybe try asking him about what's stressing him out and see if you can resolve some of the tension. If he deflects and tries to just put it on you, he's just a prick.

No. 123933

>>123922
That could be the case.

I only ask because he does this somewhat often and it makes me feel like I'm going crazy.

No. 123934

>>123920
This is textbook gaslighting and therefore emotional abuse. If it feels manipulative/wrong to you then it probably is

No. 123951

>>123920
I know from experience that this exact type of manipulation sucks the life out of you. Maybe he'll get the message if enough women dump his ass for pulling that shit

He wants control, wants you to question your sanity, wants you to beg him to listen, he wants you to defend yourself when you've said nothing offensive.. dump him before your mental health takes a beating

No. 123975

What do you do when you're in a relationship where you obviously care about the other more than they do you? I want things to work out but… they never want to communicate and when we have arguments they refuse to talk things through and want to pretend nothing happened. I want to stay with them but I also feel so unloved and like my opinions don't matter. We have been dating for more than 3 years but they still can't work things out with me and I don't know what to do, I feel like I can never explain my feelings without them taking them in the worst way.

No. 123981

>>123975
You're probably thinking how if there was any way to salvage this that you'd do it in a heartbeat. Yet you've done everything you needed to do already. You've had the talks, you've explained your feelings, and still this person persists in writing you off.

3 years is a long time to emotionally invest and love somebody, but don't turn it into 5 or 10 years over someone who doesn't listen or see you. It's called a sunk cost fallacy anon, don't get sucked in.

No. 123995

my friend says i got gaslight but i don't think so, so id like some opinions

>want to hurt myself in some way

>tell bf i want to hurt myself in some way
>he goes "if you hurt yourself i will break up with you"
>super scared tell him i won't hurt myself after all

was i the bad guy or was he?

No. 123996

>>123995

this is not the first time he does this too. once i made fun of him for not knowing english and he got so upset he told me he was reconsidering our entire relationship.

No. 123999

>>123995
It does seem like you're kind of an asshole. Who the fuck threatens to hurt themselves this way? I wouldn't want to be together with someone who can't take care of themselves and their mental health. You're also kind of a bitch for making fun of him on something that might potentially hurt him as if you were questioning his intelligence.

No. 124003

>>123995
Your friend has no idea what gaslighting is.
>was i the bad guy or was he?
Depends on the context and how sincere his intention to break up was. If he genuinely can't handle the burden of someone else's mental health issues, he's not the bad guy. If he threatened to break up with you just to shut you up, he's the bad guy.

But why the fuck would you make fun of someone's poor english? I wouldn't blame him for reconsidering the relationship over you being nasty to him.

No. 124006

>>123995
You should look up the traits of borderline personality disorder cos your behaviour there is pretty common with BPD

No. 124008

>>124007
NTA but I agree with their point, if a person is threatening to hurt themselves and expecting a partner to somehow know what to do with that.. it's too much.

There's a point where you need to get help for yourself before you drag down the mental health of people around you.. it becomes emotionally abusive to put that burden on people

No. 124010

File: 1569240647947.jpeg (78.09 KB, 482x549, 688EB682-8664-46A7-BF0B-166F6B…)

Is there such thing as Madonna/whore complex in women?? I recently noticed that I have a pattern in relationships. I would go back and forth between dating an abusive asshole and dating a safe loving man. I’d be the high libido cool girl gf in the abusive chaotic relationship. But I completely regress and get sex-repulsed most of the time in an objectively healthy and loving relationship. I think my good guy bf is starting to ask himself where the sexual and spontaneous girl he meet before has gone…

No. 124011

>>124010
There is such thing as sexual compatibility. I used to date a huge nerd who was very nice, and we had hours of non-stop sex. I also dated a kinda sleazy and sex-appealing "bad boy", and we had good sex like once, the rest were kind of awkward and I remember how I consciously tried to think that "well, it's sex, therefore it must be good? eh?" and it didn't quite work. You must have different dynamic or something

No. 124013

>>124010
You don't find the safe option as exciting, sounds like you chase the chemical high of chaotic relationships

Any kinks you could try out with the safe guy to make him appear more exciting? like a change of role just in the bedroom

No. 124014

>>124010
You're broken and need to go to therapy. You have very low self-worth.

No. 124020

>>123843
I dated someone who did this same thing - moved in with a smelly guy and started talking about getting a cat (I'm allergic). (He was also 10y older than me.) It was a big wake-up call that he would never consider changing his dead-end job and that I was almost unimportant in comparison to the path of least resistance. He's still working that job and living with random other people. Also now identifies as poly. I'm so glad to be out of that mess.

No. 124021

>>124010
Pretty common actually, you like le bad boys, probably because you got treated like shit by males as a child so learned that that's how men should act. So yeah, therapy time.

No. 124082

Tried to break up with my long-term live-in boyfriend today and he launched into tears and talking about how he’ll change. I said I needed to think about what I want for myself. Hoping to find the courage to break it off for good on Friday.

No. 124083

File: 1569357511355.png (29.39 KB, 174x174, tumblr_pujzdxhqiz1wawrrwo1_250…)

hey guys. I have a crush and need some lesbian advice. How to tell if a girl is into you? I feel like it's very hard to distinguish if a girl wants to be your friend or to be with you.
I have a crush on this one girl and I would love to start dating. I know that she's lesbian and she knows I'm into girls, too. I often catch her looking at me, and when we meet we always hug. Sometimes the touches are longer that a friend would do. My problem is that she's living with another bi girl. We're also studying together, and I think some people want to avoid dating classmates.

No. 124096

My girlfriend follows a lot of pretty girls on Instagram and it makes me so insecure it's ridiculous. She seems to have a type: super cute thin girls and stylish with doe eyes. I don't think she follows them for personal reference at all… so she must find them attractive and I'm nothing of the sort.

No. 124097

>>124083
Most wlw will just never talk about it or even try to approach other women, that's why we joke about lesbians being absolutley useless at dating. My take is to be casual about it, if you don't want to be predatory like men. Tell her that you think it would be great for the two of you to go out sometime, only if she wants to ofc.
And dating fellow classmates it's not that bad, if things don't work just be mature about it and try not to end in bad terms so you can still work with them

No. 124148

I think this subject has already been brought up, buuut here it goes
I’m on a ldr and it’s been unbearable to communicate with my bf online. In 3 years of relationship, his efforts to talk to me through text kinda died.
No matter what I’m saying, he’ll only respond with “nice”, “great” or ask me about subjects I like that he clearly isn’t interested in (that I kinda stopped talking about because I noticed how he never pays attention to what I’m saying and never remembers things I told him).
I find it so strange because he stays literally the whole day chatting with friends via text and I know he doesn’t ever stop with them, even though they live close by and can meet to talk anytime they want. Like, he doesn’t stop messaging them even when he’s with me, I already had to ask him to put his phone down during meals and any other situation.
With me, I just feel like he isn’t that interested in starting any type of conversation though. When we meet, things are way better on that field, but we spend most of the months speaking online.
I don’t know how to talk about this with him because whenever I tell him about something negative on our relationship, it becomes a fucking snowball, doesn’t matter how softly I try to word it. He always turns the smallest problems into something enormous and literally drains all my energy.
So yeah, please send help

No. 124149

>>124148
What kind of help do you need? Do you plan on spending the rest of your life with a guy who doesn't care enough to talk to you and is barely even physically present in your life? Stop wasting your time and dump him.

No. 124158

>>124148
doesn't sound like a relationship to me.

>whenever I tell him about something negative on our relationship, it becomes a fucking snowball, doesn’t matter how softly I try to word it


then why try to sugarcoat it? doesn't matter what you say, the outcome is always the same.

you're unhappy. a relationship is a two way street. he has to put effort in too.

dump him.

No. 124159

>>124148
Anon, relationships are like a garden. Sometimes when the garden's sparse, you can still save it. Making sure to plant new seeds, water it every day, and check that the temperature and soil is just right.

But if you've been doing all those things and have yet to bear the fruits of your efforts, it's time to move on and seek other lands.
This guy sounds like a dud, don't you think after three years of trying to make this work that you deserve someone who could bear to talk with you and at least pretend to be interested in what you like?
Don't get stuck in a sunk cost fallacy believing that if you only try to put more and more into making this work that it will pay off. Would you be okay if at year five nothing's changed? If not, leave now.

No. 124164

>>123975
Hey same situation, but only a year in. I‘ve gone from someone open about how I feel to being reluctant and worrying if what I‘m feeling is irrational or whatever.
I feel like I‘m falling into this trap. That I repeat myself in arguments and that I‘m insecure, but if he just heard and made an effort and wasn‘t so unstable when it comes to how he feels, I think these things would go. I wouldn‘t keep pushing if he actually tried.

Anyway, at some point I was telling him how I feel and he said it‘s ridiculous I feel that way. I told him it‘s difficult to remain an open person to someone so closed up. That all I get is criticism for trusting him enough to be honest and unfair that he won‘t offer anything to make himself vulnerable, that he only attacks.

We‘ll be going to couples counseling and I hope that‘ll open avenues for him to communicate and generally be more open.
If not, I won‘t be wasting 3 years. You can‘t make someone love you, care about you and make an effort for you. It sucks because when there are no issues (given his rug sweeping there rarely are) it‘s a happy relationship. But that doesn‘t cover the scope of a serious, long term relationship.

I‘m lucky because I‘ve had previous relationships where the bf‘s passion to work things out matched mine, and it all felt so much healthier than this. I didn‘t question myself like I do these days.

sage because honestly I‘m trying to tell myself this more than anything else. It feels so easy to slip into complacency.

No. 124174

So my husband had interest in a Woman before we met online and that’s fine and ok. I was basically the other woman who stepped in. He made a really nice handmade gift for her and told me about it. I thought it was really sweet tbh I was awed lol. So I was younger like 24 and made him a few homemade gifts. I sewed him a scarf etc. I attempted they weren’t perfect, but I was happy w em. Then since we’ve been married for 3 years he’s never made anything like that and I’ve brought it up before. I feel like an entitled asshole honestly and now have created this awkward situation. Also I have mental issues so I told him that I don’t know if I can make him anything else for presents cause it hurts I never have had anything back idk it’s all stupid typing it out and basically idk how to feel. It seems petty maybe but I’d like some perspective.

No. 124227

I feel like I don’t know how to genuinely open up to my boyfriend lol. Every guy I’ve ever dated has mentioned me being “closed off” as a major issue, but I always feel like I’m pretty open. When something is really bugging me, I’ll say something about it in a pretty matter of fact way like “it hurts my feelings when you do that” or “I’d like it if you spent tonight with me, instead of your friends” and I try to talk about my feelings in regard to my overall life. Like work stress or family issues. I keep a lot to myself, but I do it because I don’t think it’s important to mention and might just cause more problems? Like does my boyfriend need to know that last night I started feeling insecure because I’m not as skinny as his ex or that I get jealous sometimes when we’re both talking about how attractive certain people are on tv? Is that information actually necessary? Ugh

No. 124242

>>124174
>I told him that I don’t know if I can make him anything else for presents cause it hurts I never have had anything back
Sounds totally fair to me. Maybe it might be nice for you two to do a craft project together if you want to open up some creativity, such as learning a skill together or something as simple as working as a team to assemble a cute terrarium with a little scene inside.
You should stop comparing yourself to girls he flirted with before you got together though, you've been together three years now.

>>124227
It's good you're direct, everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff and it's only a problem when it causes problems. Why not ask your partner how he feels about it? Is he as open as he would like to be and does he want you to open up more?

No. 124247

How can I show a guy I'm interested without being too imposing?

For context, I'm pretty sure he is at least okay with talking to me since he approached me out of the blue, he chose to sit next to me and chat a second time, and he makes observations about me. I'm just really afraid of fucking it up like I always do by showing too much affection. But I think this may have the opposite effect since at one point he thought I was avoiding him (I wasn't, it was a misunderstanding) and during our second conversation checked to make sure I remembered his name.

I'm also holding back because I'm…still not sure he's also interested. I asked why he approached me and though he dodged it a bit he just said he wants to befriend reserved people. But I have no idea how he'd read me as that from two prior observations? And he was shocked when I initially informed him of how asocial I tend to be. He also made sure to tell me he isn't interested in any of his female friends after introducing me, but has titled me as a friend too now.
On top of this of course I'm insecure and am afraid I'll embarrass myself too much at some point and he'll just lose any interest he did have.

Idk. Human relations are too complex for me when I can't just confess in the first conversation like a sperg. I'm incapable of middle ground.

No. 124249

>>124247
If someone doesn't like how affectionate you are maybe that's a sign you aren't good together? It's not like you're collecting their hair or smelling the seat they sat on or some creepy shit. Don't worry if you "fuck up" because there are plenty of people out there who would love that about you. You shouldn't have to stress out to make someone like you

No. 124258

>>124249
I'm just afraid of giving off the redflag of escalating too quickly and being clingy. I don't have borderline or anything but I do get excited about new people in my life.
You're probably right though. I need someone to match my energy.

No. 124354

My boyfriend threatens to break up with me, at least like, twice a month, every time we fight. He lives in my apartment. Is this emotional blackmail, because it sure feels like it

No. 124355

>>124354
Kick him out, take back your power by dumping him. That shit isn't fixable

No. 124366

>>124354
definitely is

No. 124389

Is my relationship over?

I‘m clingy and bf is avoidant when it comes to disagreements, so fights are long and ugly because I don‘t back off, because otherwise the issue won‘t work out.

So he never has constructive opinions on how things work out. He never has and as soon as shit gets tough he backs out. At best it‘s been asking me "so what should we do?". And he wants to break up, reasoning being the ill feeling from fighting ugly, like all the issues he has stems from this.

We‘ve now set up an appointment with a therapist, but he remains hopeless. Personally, I don‘t like being the one with no shame asking him to have hope when I‘m met with a stony face. But we‘ve invested in the long term, currently I have no means to support myself (though I‘m searching hard for a job) and a whole lot would go to shit because we‘re both in a foreign country. I find us compatible in everyday and future things and most importantly happy when we don‘t disagree on something, so I think it can work out IF we both learn how to argue in a healthy way and not build resentment.

At the same time I won‘t accept a one sided relationship where I‘m not getting the respect, love and consideration I believe I deserve. But I‘d like to try professional help, before giving in myself fully. But is there even a chance at this point from his end? He‘s told me yes it would be good if things go well in therapy, but stays in this state of negativity.

No. 124391

>>124389
This sounds unhealthy as fuck from both of your sides. Why would either of you even want to stay together when the dynamic is so glaringly unhealthy?

You should be single and work on your clinginess so that you can feel validated without constant reassurance. He should learn to communicate his emotions like an adult instead of ignoring shit.

No. 124393

>>124391
Well my hope is that the dynamic can be healthier with therapy.

He has a habit of saying damning things during an argument (eg I don‘t care for you|this relationship) then when things stabilize he‘ll go back on it like it never happened. Because I think he emotionally shuts off, then when the feelings come back "on", it‘s like fine. Which is why I‘m wondering if a proper proposal to break up at this point (still with emotional shutdown though) does kind of seal the deal that it‘s over for good.

I mean, in other relationships i‘ve never had insecurity this bad, because I was given some sort of assurance in the first place, because exes could actually talk instead of me having to ask for it. It‘s snowballed into this negative feedback thing. I was never really a crier until this relationship. So personally I think it‘s salvageable IF we both work on ourselves. But at the same time I‘m bad at telling when things are over.

No. 124394

>>124393
Therapy might help but the relationship seems to be built on shit. Is the amount of work needed to get on track really worth it?

Months and months that he may not even contribute to…all that gruelling emotional labour to learn about ‘I statements’ and love languages and effective communication can have fantastic results if you’re both committed but this is a guy who says ‘I don’t even like you’ and essentially ends the relationship because of a disagreement. Is he indicating any willingness to attend therapy and look st his behaviour critically?

No. 124404

>>124389
I hate avoidant men.

I'm not trying to sound too biased in your favor anon, but no couple should ever go to bed angry. He needs to stop being a coward and actually stick around to talk shit out with you, and you need to constructively state your beef without getting too aggressive. History will repeat itself in either of your future relationships if you don't learn from this.

Sorry to say anon, but when a man says he wants to break up that's usually the death blow to a relationship. He's already checked out.
I think for your own sake what with you not having a job, you should try to keep things afloat for now. But once you get a job and get your independence back, dump him and seek a relationship with the respect you deserve from it. Make sure your next man has some balls.

No. 124405

>>124404
In my experience if a guy is happy to go to bed angry with you he has already checked out of the relationship

No. 124406

>>124389
"relationship where I‘m not getting the respect, love and consideration I believe I deserve"

Anon you have nothing to even work with here. This ship will sink no matter what you try

No. 124412

i don't know how to break up with my boyfriend.

i finally came round to the fact that i also like women but i didn't know if i was attracted to men. i was positive i was a lesbian before i met my boyfriend.

we clicked immediately and became fast friends. we have the same humour and interests and i let slip that i fancy him so we have been 'seeing' each other for almost a year now.

it's been kinda complicated with both of us because it's LDR and we decided to 'remain friends' at the start of the year, which didn't last long at all and we started to 'date' again. but i know now for sure that i just don't see him romantically.

he's my best friend and we tell each other everything. i hate keeping secrets for him and i cannot lose him. i see a future with him but i just don't think it's romantically.

i think i was drawn to him because of how sweet and caring he is. he's very in touch with his emotions and it appealed to me. he's been very supportive which is why this is so difficult to do. when it goes beyond friendship i'm just not into him.

i just… don't know how to go about this. we hung out this weekend and it was fun but i really didn't want to do couple things at all. i gave him a peck when i arrived but that's all i could bring myself to do. i hate it so much.

now i'm confused again because i don't know if i like guys. i had this grief last year and only came to terms with liking women but now i'm worried i've been leading him on this whole time. he even gave me a one year anniversary card which was super sweet but it makes me feel worse.

i won't see him for months now and i wouldn't dare break up with him on the phone or text. since its long distance we are hours apart from each other and i wouldn't want to arrange a day to meet up only for me to dump him. i'm honestly stumped.

No. 124415

>>124412
That's rough anon. Maybe start with the hypothetical hint dropping? "Do u think we'd still be friends if we aren't dating anymore?" Maybe straight up talk about how you've been struggling with your sexuality, in like a mental health way, not a break up way, if that makes sense? Don't flat out say that you're not sexually attracted to him, he seemed to be accepting of how much you were willing to be intimate so that's a good sign. Feel the water, see how receptive he is so you can devise break up strategy. Maybe he'll be really understanding and want you to be happy!

No. 124420

>>124412
>i wouldn't dare break up with him on the phone or text
What's your reasoning that this isn't a legitimate option in the case of an LDR?
You're telling me it's better for this guy to build up hope for your next meet and then you either a) Knock his blocks down by saying you want to dump him right off the bat of it, or b) You pretend your way through the meet with your intentions of dumping him before he leaves thus giving him ammo to hate you for essentially being a fake the entire time?

No offense but this is a virtual relationship, it's not like you've had a serious irl commitment.
It sucks to be the "bad guy" to end a relationship when the other person didn't necessarily do anything wrong. However that's all you gotta say and you could probably say it better in an email or something anyway. All you need to explain is that you didn't develop any romantic feelings but it's not because of something he did. Be honest in that you still don't want to lose him as a friend.
You might have to accept the possibility that you'll lose him too.

No. 124432

>>124412
as someone who was in a similar situation last year, the sooner you break up with him the better. DON'T wait to do it in person, it'll make things that much worse.

He's going to invest a lot of his energy and time to come visit you with the assumption that everything is going well and it'll be a pleasant trip. He's going to be blindsided by you dumping him, especially since you said you guys had fun together this last time.

It'll be easier for you and him if you're just honest now. Breakups always suck but it's going to get worse the longer you drag it out.

No. 124447

File: 1569922721815.jpg (99.94 KB, 1024x1019, 1556656023335m.jpg)

>Move in with BF, we go 50/50 on bills but I work much longer hours than him; usually get in after 20:00 every night while he gets in 15:00 at the latest
>We have a set weekly meal plan, he cooks on two nights whilst I cook for the rest
>On Mondays I leave food ready for him to cook when he gets in, there's always enough for both
>He only cooks for himself
>I get in when he wants to go to sleep and have to stand there cooking my own meal
>I've tried explaining to him that I find it upsetting that he can't even consider the fact that I'm tired and want to eat after another long day
>He says he didn't cook for me in case he didn't do it right, and it would be cold by the time I get home
>He's literally seen me get in and reheat whatevers there in a microwave to eat
>He's now being short-tempered and stand offish with me
>I also do all the cleaning and ironing on my days off

Am I being unreasonable or what? I literally cannot fathom his thought process at the moment.
>Anonette finishes late tonight and has a long drive home, better get myself something to eat so I can get a couple hours on the Xbox!

No. 124450

>>124447
no you're not being unreasonable.

Have you tried talking with him about it? Considering he's being stand offish there might be something that bothers him as well. You need to clear the air before it blows out of proportion. I also feel the household chores could be divided more fairly considering you're working longer days than he is.

No. 124451

>>124450
I spoke to him last night about it, and that's why he's being standoffish; throwing out excuses instead of acknowledging that I have a point or apologising.
Will report in once I've spoken to him tonight.

No. 124454

>>124447
I had an ex fiancé like that and even with therapy he couldn't pull his weight. He was unemployed fully for a year then picked up part time work, meanwhile I worked 40 hours with a commute that could be 1-2hours round trip depending on traffic. He thought all my time away from the house was so he could work on his xbox gamer points because prestige and self worth!!!

No. 124455

>>124447
Sounds like the usual gender issue of men thinking cooking and cleaning is 90 percent the womans job even when you work just as hard or harder than him out of the house too.. good luck anon

No. 124470

>>124447
(not bragging, just giving an example) My bf will make me breakfast when he gets home from work because he knows I'm bad at waking up, and I work from home part time… Just sounds like your bf is selfish and unfortunately it's not really something you find out until you move in together. Then the whole temper tantrum after you tell him is even more concerning. It's one thing being ignorant and dense, but a completely other thing to be entitled. A couple is supposed to be a team not someone one-sidedly doing everything, unless that's what they decide on

No. 124476

>>124470
>>124455
Got home and he'd already cooked dinner for the next few days in advance.
Didn't apologize, but I'm glad he listened :)

No. 124511

My bf is into ddlg and follows quite a few 14 15 year old girls on insta who are also his type is it weird that I'm uncomfortable about this? He's also a pervert so

No. 124512

>>124511
Edit; well it kinda goes up to 16 or 17 but he's 21 and I just feel odd about the whole thing idk

No. 124513

File: 1570018440420.jpeg (26.79 KB, 686x386, EFKBTZZX4AU8QWh.jpeg)

>>124511
girl do we actually gotta tell you he's a baldfaced pedo
he's a baldfaced pedo. i recommend finding a male who actually enjoys an adult body over… fucking 14 year olds lmfao holy shit

No. 124517

>>124511
He is a literal pedophile/ephebophile. Run.

No. 124518

>>124511
The DDLG thing is one thing when it's two -adults- taking part in it together but when he's 21 and looking at 14 year olds who role play even younger… sounds like he has an attraction to a certain age group, one that can't consent

Oh and he's not even ashamed enough to try and hide it.. I'm surprised your gut isn't already telling you to run anon

No. 124522

>>124518
No omg lol the girls don't roleplay as little girls I just don't like how he follows a bunch of teenagers that are his type while he's also into ddlg it just worries me a bit

No. 124526

>>124522
Anon, the fact that teenagers are his type should be a huge red flag on its own

No. 124527

>>124522
Ah ok. I thought he was following them because of the shared interest of DDLG, so why is he following them then? Cos he fancies 14 year olds?

Anon if you're not trolling you're really downplaying some massive red flags there

No. 124529

best/worst day of the week to break up with someone you live with?
ruin their weekend and do it on friday or saturday but they can have an out or do it on a weekday so they have a distraction the next day?

No. 124532

>>124527
I don't fucking know maybe he just likes their feeds and I'm overreacting
He happens to follow many girls and some happen to be 14-17 but is that enough to really be worried about and jealous of idk

No. 124533

>>124532
it's gross

No. 124535

>>124532
You're kind of underreacting, I'd say. What do teenagers have in common with a grown up adult? Wtf Anon, get off this relationship before something terribly bad happens

No. 124541

>>124532
Anon you wouldn't be here mentioning this to us if you didn't already think this is dodgy as fuck, so why can't you accept a handful of women confirming that yes it is dodgy and there is no excuse for a 21 year old man taking so much interest in 14 year old girls

I wouldn't even confront or argue the issue with him, I'd cut him out of my life if I were in your place

No. 124571

>>124532
As plenty of other anons have said, yes, this is creepy and you should dump him.

He's 21, he has no business following 14 year old girls online. It would be weird even if he wasn't in to DDLG - and that bit of context makes it twice as gross. Orbiting teenaged girls on insta to get your degenerate fetish satiated?! Not okay.

Besides the blatant red flags for 'chases underage tail', do you really respect yourself that little to date such an actual degenerate? Dude's nasty. Dump him. Don't be his friend, either.

No. 124575

>>122983
my relationship is getting to a "dull" stage. we've been together for 2 years now. i'm 20 and he's 26. we live together and our daily routines dont really change that much… go to work/school, come back home,eat,watch tv…kind of like an old couple that's been together for years. i kind of miss when we were first dating and how much he wanted me(sexually). he says he loves me of course but i feel like it's not the same. i don't know. this is the first serious relationship i have…
what should i do to bring back that spark in our lives? i love him a lot and don't wanna lose him.

No. 124577

>>124575
>18 and 24

yikes, if i had to guess he's probably immature too and frustrates you a lot. break up, don't waste your youth on that

No. 124586

So my boyfriend of four months is going to Thailand with his dad on a whim for a month, from December to Janaury. Just a couple things. I moved to this country a few years ago and less than a year ago I moved to this particular town. I have a hard time making friends and the friends I do have live in other towns. I have no family here. My boyfriend knows all of this. We have also been spending a lot of time together. He told me the news this morning, his dad asked him if he wanted to go to go with and even paid for his airfare. He seems excited and offered to let me stay in his apartment while he's away. It bothers me a bit that he kind of jumped on this without saying anything to me, and he remarked how he's going to be gone for Christmas and New Year's, like he didn't realize that earlier? The other less exciting thing is that in the past I was using his computer (with his permission) when I happened to find out he visited a site for an erotic massage parlor in Bangkok. So the news is still fresh and this additional unpleasant thought is hanging out in the back of my mind (and I doubt he knows that I know about this search history). Now I'm kind of having a hard time understanding him and making sense of my feelings. I dont know how to move forward with these developments and if I am overreacting

No. 124587

>>124586
You're not overreacting in terms of the search history thing that is a really bad red flag..

No. 124590

>>124575
You guys are in totally different, incompatible life stages. It wont work out, whatever you try.
He's not trying to bring the spark back himself because this arrangement suits him, which is normal for his age and xp lvl. You want to, because that's what people at your age and xp lvl are looking for.
But do you really want to settle at 20?!?! Without knowing anything else the world has to offer?
It's time for you to part ways. And time to get that first xp point - learning when and why to break up a serious relationship.

Hint: love is never enough. You need a lot of other things to make a relationship work, and one of the major ones is compatibility. You don't have that. You should both look for someone more compatible with your age-appropriate desires and goals.

No. 124607

>>124575
Relationships do tend to get like that after a couple of years living together but at 20 you shouldn't be in that dull of a situation. It seems like the age gap is too much given how young you are

If you were older I would suggest working on the spark but at 20 you might just be settling down much too early

No. 124608

>>124586
The search history is worrying

Alot of couples don't spend Christmas together after only a few months of dating though, 4 months is a pretty short period of dating so maybe you are more attached right now than he is?

I would suggest talking to him about Thailand and it's reputation when it comes to sex tourism.. it's the exact reason why alot of guys go on men-only holidays there so I would be suspicious about that

No. 124616

>>124586
okay, I was about to say You're a big girl, you can spend a month without your bf of only four months. But the erotic massage website in his search history is a major red flag. You need to confront him about that.

No. 124631

I've been in a LDR for a few years and have wanted to end it for a while. Problem is he has a painful and life-altering medical issue that will make it incredibly hard for him to find someone else to date, so the idea of ending it makes me feel so guilty I just cry. I feel like a monster and the main reason I've communicated with him for so long is because I just wanted him to be happy, even though I'm not romantically into it and we're going nowhere.

I guess its kinda like breaking up with someone going through chemo or something, except his condition is lifelong. I can't bring myself to do it.

No. 124641

>>124631
Why does it have to be your burden to bear? You didn't make any vows, you tested the waters of a relationship like any other person does and decided that the situation isn't for you.

BTW-some men use their medical disabilities to guilt women into dating them, esp women who would normally be out of their league. It's a form of coercion, and it looks like you're being suckered in.

You don't have to be mean, but you don't owe him anything. Why don't men like that hunt for other women with equally serious conditions if they want someone to truly empathize? You're holding yourself back in your youth for him and it's not right. You have options.

No. 124643

>>124631
anon its sad but you need to breakup, its not worth being unhappy you dont need to feel guilty over something you have no control over

No. 124648

>>124641
>Why don't men like that hunt for other women with equally serious conditions if they want someone to truly empathize?
I mean, you can't say that they haven't. I'm not sure painting the guy as manipulative with so little information is helpful to anyone.

That being said, >>124631 doesn't sound like a situation that's going to improve for either of you over time. Definitely sounds like you just need to break up with him and be as honest as possible. I can't guarantee it'll turn out wonderfully but I can guarantee that trying to keep a relationship going based on guilt will end catastrophically.

No. 124651

>>124631
being with a partner that isn't happy being with him, isn't going to make him happy either, anon.

No. 124656

>>124631

I also have a pretty serious permanent health condition. I've always told anyone I date that if they ever want to break up to never stay just because I have that condition. Trust me when I say it'll hurt him a LOT more to find out you stayed with him just because of the condition. Unless he's someone that uses it, but you don't say anything that suggests that. Break up with him. You deserve to be happy in a relationship and he doesn't deserve to be pity dated. The truth is way better than finding out someone stayed with you for a long time just because they felt bad.

No. 124695

>>122983
I feel like a terrible person.
I was completely obsessed with this older guy for the past two years. I had never fell completely for someone before him. Everything about us was compatible and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. Last spiring, I used to wait for him before his classes with baked goods hoping I could win him over (I never gave them to him because tbh, that was a little creepy)
Last summer we started hanging out often and I felt that things were developing, but he told my best friend that although he was interested, he didn't want to start a relationship right before he started at university. Then autumn came and he left, and I was left alone.
After months of moping I knew I had to move on. I started dating my current boyfriend last November. I knew that him and the other guy had been friends in the past, but since guy #1 was out of the picture I didn't think it would be a big deal.
Now it is. We all ended up at the same university and I sit next to guy #1 in two of my classes. He's super into me now and while I love my boyfriend, I just feel like me and the first guy are meant to be. I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend, but we fight about so many stupid things (politics and our future together are big ones). I just think I would be so much happier with the first guy, but I dont want to hurt my boyfriend by breaking up with him for our mutual friend. I have no idea what to do. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I feel like its inevitable at this point…

No. 124698

>>124648
>>124648
I know a cripple who enjoys guilt tripping women into getting into a relationship with him. Then cheats on them with girls he guilt tripped into doing stuff with him by pulling the 'I never got to lose my virginity before I got into this situation' spiel.
Just because someone has medical issues, doesn't mean they are innocent and harmless. Don't assume it would be incredibly hard for him to find someone else to date, you'd be surprised.

No. 124729

>>124695
>. I love my boyfriend, but we fight about so many stupid things (politics and our future together are big ones)
I think you have a very clear idea about what to do. Do not ever be together with someone out of pity or fear of hurting them.
I wouldn't be this happy with the man of my life if I didn't heard my gut about my boyfriend, who also was bestfriends with my ex.

No. 124736

>>124096
This is an old post, but she could be looking at their IG accounts as a kind of art. If you saw my lurker account, you'd be surprised, since I don't have a ton of traits in common with girls I follow - nor is my partner like them - but I just like looking at them as art. Most are photoshopped or filtered to death anyway. They aren't attractive to me in a sexual way.

No. 124741

>>124096
Eh, I think women are different than men in that we can have many "types."
Personally I love tall shy skelly girls, but also chubby alt girls, but also small butch girls, etc.
Point is she's probably not comparing you at all.

No. 124743

I didn't know where to post this so I just give up and decided to put it here. (Sorry for the incoming bad English, I'm not a native speaker)

I have a psychotic depression (this is important for the context) it's similar to bipolar disorder in a lot of things, 2 years ago I ended my longest relationship until now, it use to be a long distance relationship, but used to go to visit several times in a year, and I was the one who went to visit his house in another state since for me it was like a short vacation also it was easy to go than dealing with my family issues at home (my father never liked never liked the idea of having men in the house, we where 3 women living alone since my parents are separated). There were good times, but also a lot bad things mostly caused by him that finally destroy the trust inside the relationship, this didn't help with mental health, I used to suffer long periods of severe deppresion and psychosis that got worse with the pass of time, my last diagnosis was when I was 19 yrs old, when the shit hit the fan
I was 25 that was when the second serious suicide attemp happened, he knew about it but not my family, they support me to get medical help again and try to get a new diagnosis so I ask him to come, he was my boyfriend and also it was a very delicate time where any kind of emotional support was welcome, even my mother talked to him explaining that his presence could ve a great help, it was hard for her since it was only me and my younger sister, if any kind of medical emergence happened she would need extra help to carry me to the hospital in the worst case. A month passed, he didn't came,
I asked one more time, 3 months passed, I started my new medication and everything starts to go better than ever, now with a more stable mind and started to think with clarity I finally realized that the relationship didn't contribute anything positive in my life at that point, there were still feelings of course, but the trust was literally destroyed over and over and leave me in that could
be leading in a possible death made decided to put an end.

He didn't like it, and lived in denial for a year, but finally we stay as "friends", but he always mentioned how much wanted to go back together wherever the chance appears (we lived in a three world
country, our original plan was to move out together someday). A week ago he said that got a new gf, that's fine for me, still feel a bit hurt remembering the good time and how everything went to shit
but life must go on, the problem is that now he always mentions her and post things about her in places that he KNOWS I'm gonna see it, I don't use social media anymore, just DM's, he also doesn't like
to share his personal life, but until he made me know about his new gf this kind of thing started from nowhere, pictures, drawing, states, a lot of stuff per day for someone who doesn't used to be like this.

I'm not a paranoid person (even with my now more stable brain) but the highly suspition that all of this if being made with malicious intentions towards me is there.

I now that I'm gonna forget all about this in a few months, but still feels like shit. There's the option of block him or delete his contact but still he hasn't done anything "too bad" since we split out
to that, I rather just ignore his things.

But still, in this very moment feels like shit.

No. 124749

>>124743
Yeah it's definitely intentional. They always think they're being subtle, but theyre laughably transparent when they're trying to show the new gf to the old one.

Its pretty clear youre not as chill as you say you are about moving on, otherwise why do you care. And why do you feel hesitant to block him if he's upsetting you.

You made the decision that he wasn't good for you but you're not following through, you still allow him to do it. Either ask for him back and deal with the stuff you don't like about him or block him.

No. 124764

>>124743
Why the fuck are you still in contact with this guy? Sorry to be harsh but, he doesn’t love you anymore, he hasn’t for a while, and even as “friends”, he obviously doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, he made it very clear with his actions. What would be “bad enough” reason to cut contact if not the fact that he’s likely detrimental to your health? Stop being a cuck, block him, and continue to take care of yourself. Love you.

No. 124773

>>124743
Any ex who directly messages you with pictures of their new gf/bf is wanting to make you feel bad. Unless you said you're okay with that, it's very unusual, tone deaf, and uncaring. Tell him to get some mates if he needs someone else to share his pictures with.

You're using the fact that he has not done anything 'too bad' to cling on because you're not over him. Sister, keeping contact with him is only going to make you feel worse in the long run. I'm friends with a few exes myself, but none of them disrespected me like that post breakup.

No. 124782

>>124749
>>124764
>>124773

Thank you all for your honest opinions.

I didn't express my feelings towards all the situation since it was kind of a vent, I'm not very used to do that
but I wanted to hear a different point of view. The thing that mades me feel upset is the malicious intentions in a "friendship" context, I was naive to expect a mutual relationship of respect and maybe empathy as people who are not
together anymore as a couple but that shares a lot of things in common, such as type of work, tastes, people in common, etc.

Even after the breakup there was some apparent mutual concern for each other (at least it was what I used to think), not overly attached but enough to share opinions and advices on some life/work related things, but this thing showed me that he was a worst person that I imagine. I strongly believe that a relationship between people can work differently after a break up and that a light friendship is possible, he was (I must admit) a little selfish bitch as a boyfriend
but he used to be a funny chill guy as a friend, for that main reason I used to keep some affection for him knowing that we shared a lot of things when we used to be together, as I said before, finding out more of his true color even out of a relationship is what makes me bitter. And of course I give you all the reason, and I already made the choice before the vent of letting die any kind of comunication from now on.

I'm doing fine now and taking care of myself and the other aspects of my life, it was just the kind of things that makes you bitter for some moments and it's a completely new experience for me,
since all of my previous relationship endend in a more drastic way without any chance of futher communication.

No. 124804

>>122983
My ex broke up with me last year in such a shitty way, we were living together and he planned to go on a solo holiday cos my anxiety was so bad I knew I couldn't travel. The day that he's due to leave he breaks up with me.. and then while I'm still crying over the unexpected news he's packing MY hitachi vibrator into his suitcase for his away

I'm home alone for what turned into ten days panicking over where I'm meant to live after this. He ignores all contact except for one phone call where he screams at me. He comes home and talks about how great his new gf is. His suitcase has both my sex toys in it and packaging from new ones that they bought.. all carefully left out for me to see

I have a month to find a place to live, he initiates sex with me nightly despite his new fantastic gf that he brags about. I'm an idiot and fuck him half of those times. I move house and from time to time he texts me to check how I am doing and tell me things like him getting a kitten with his gf

A year later I get a new gf myself and he stops his usual texts as soon as he hears this, he wanted to rub his happiness in my face for the last year after I did nothing to upset him in the first place. I hate men

No. 124810

How do people deal with the disconnect between the idea that
1. You should be yourself because that way the people who like you really like you and it's a more healthy/fulfilling relationship
and
2. People might not like you, so in order to become more likeable you may have to change things about you

Not trying to incel sperg, but if I'm the type who loves fanfiction–writing, reading, discussing; but that's not necessarily something most people enjoy
I should try to change my habits/hobbies so that people will like me so I can get into a relationship, but why try to change this aspect of myself so that people will like me if they don't like "me"?

How do I navigate this? Obviously there are things about me that can be improved–but shouldn't people potentially like me regardless of that? I know not everything is a SJW dream where fat people are considered just as attractive as thinner people–but if I'm on the fatter side, does this mean I have to wait for someone to like fat people rather than waiting for someone who just likes me for me?

Sorry if I'm not putting this in the best terms, but tl;dr
If I'm supposed to be myself but I'm not as likeable as I want, should I change or just accept the fact that only a few people will like me (if at all)

Because it does get lonely… everyone here knows this

No. 124813

File: 1570416615142.jpg (95.95 KB, 540x405, tumblr_npbvkan1bx1sx0t3ho1_540…)

>>124810

I wasn't going to reply because I'm more of non-participating lurker, but we are similar. I like to draw, write, concept, and talk in-depth about world building and story telling. If you hide your authentic self, you are going to be miserable.
I had a boyfriend last year, and I attempted to make myself less nerdy and more "appealing" by not sharing my passions,  but it just upset me more and made me a shell of a person. It is more fulfilling to find the people that love those features about you, rather than trying to fit with the people who reject your passions. I'm just a random stranger on the internet… but never settle for dumb fools you can't be your complete, whole self with. There are so many people out there who share your same hobbies. Spending time on the internet sometimes feels hopeless and reductive (I definitely know this all too well). There are people out there that are hoping to meet a person like you, with your hobbies. Don't hide what you love anon!!!! You are you!!!

No. 124815

>>124813
Nta but I think it’s also worth noting that you don’t have to find someone that shares all your interests, but rather someone that can appreciate that they are YOUR unique interests.

No. 124817

>>124810
I cannot fathom how or why fanfic as a hobby would become a problem in dating or attracting people. Why would you even bring it up unless you're already extremely close? Nothing wrong with liking fic, I sure do, but talking about it openly is sheer autism. It's a private hobby that doesn't need to be shared with others. If you're driving people away it's the sperginess, not the hobby.

Changing the way you interact socially isn't really changing yourself as a person, just putting your best foot forward and becoming more open over time.

No. 124824

>>122983
An update to this:

We have our first couples therapy appointment very soon. Through reading the replies I decided that as the relationship is, I‘m not currently satisfied and am looking for a job to regain independence and leave ASAP. If the bf actually takes in what‘s wrong with his behavior and works on them while I‘m doing this, I‘ll continue to try work on it.

So things happened as I envisioned, he‘s been acting very considerate and caring the past week, and it seems genuine because usually he‘ll be clearly passive aggressive otherwise. It‘s very tempting to get comfortable again but he hasn‘t actually said anything affirming since saying the shit that destabilised our relationship. And I‘m now always consciously aware that the only reason things are going OK is because nothing‘s come up that goes against what he wants.

I don‘t know how to approach the therapy. Do I come straight out the gate and list all the shit? Or take a gentler approach?

Something showcased his 180 in attitude to a T. So on the form it was asked what we want to address in therapy. In the moment he was going to write he wants to break up, and that‘s it. But he ACTUALLY wrote it 2 days afterwards, and the only thing related to the problems he just wrote "we‘re having difficulties", otherwise it was this light hearted thing about us and how we met, not directly saying any issues whatsoever.

So I‘m worried that because he‘s fine, he‘ll act as if nothing is wrong and we won‘t progress. Alternatively, if problems ARE brought up that he‘s uncomfortable with then he‘ll adopt a shitty unhelpful attitude designed to push me away.

No. 124829

File: 1570457374246.jpg (1.2 MB, 4000x3533, 17293d2c-56b5-11e9-a3ae-f2742b…)

>>124810
Anon, believe me, people who sincerely like you will like you no matter how much or how little you "fit" in. Not even speaking about romance here, just in general! You'll know it right away when it happens: you'll meet someone who will be happy to hear you talk even if they don't share your exact same interests, and they'll never make you feel like you don't matter. Don't settle for anything less anon! Ganbatte!

No. 124860

>>124817
Not all fanfiction is weird erotic stuff, so I don't think that it should be an issue any more than any other specific writing habit. I think expanding universes has its own kind of wonder rather than creating something from scratch.

But really, the fan fiction was just an example–that's not the first thing I talk about nor is it the biggest thing I'm into.

No. 124865

I'm in my first relationship and my boyfriend is very sweet but I'm anxious. I'm concerned our relationship has been very shallow somehow and I'm not sure how to know if that's the case. I think I'm just afraid of commitment.

No. 124906

>>124865
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This one is so sweet.

Just take it slow. There's no need for anything more than shallow while you're getting to know each other. If you develop further feelings for him, follow them. If not, you can say bye. Don't be hung up on commitment, check to see if it's going anywhere before you worry about where it's going.

No. 124922

I feel anxious about my lack of experience in relationships and it makes me not want to date. Idk if I should mention how I’ve never had a long term relationship to new potentials. How the fuck do I push myself to stop being such a wuss?

No. 124923

I don't have anyone to turn to and I really need some sort of outside view of my problem with my boyfriend.
For background info, me and my boyfriend are in a LDR for about a year and a half now. Both in our early twenties, we met online and we've lived together for a month, 10 months in our relationship then he had to go back.

Last night on video call, we were about to sleep and he asked me "Have you ever faked an orgasm with me?" I replied and said, "Never. Except that one time when we were together and immediately told you I didn't cum after you came and told you I wanted to go again."
He was taken aback by this and told me I lied to him before and because he said I told him before that I never faked an orgasm not even one time. He tried masking his saltiness as a meme and said "I'm never going to do it with you again, Good night."
I HATE it when he does this. I've told him a million times that I can not sleep if he ends the night like that because I become very irritable to even sleep because I WOULD want to explain myself but he does this all the effing time because he has no problem sleeping.
I ended up staying up til the 4 in the morning because my mind was racing and I was just annoyed that when I tried talking to him last night, no matter how I said "hello?" he just shut his eyes and went to sleep.

Next day, I told him "I apologize for coming off aloof, I wasn't able to sleep well so I'm not in a right head space." then proceeded to ask him if he was actually salty, he said yes he was because of the fact that I lied to him, when in my point of view and I didn't lie to him because I thought that I told him already immediately when it happened so it's not actual lying but more of us remembering things differently. I tried explaining that to him but he refused to talk it out and just says "It's not that deep, you lied to me that's it." He refused to hear me out on my explanation and he refused to hear out the fact that I was hurt when I was trying to explain to him last night but he just ended it with a "Good night." and shut his eyes.
I asked him if he's available for a voice call and he said "chill out first" I told him I AM and but he was obviously getting annoyed and refused to communicate and projected his feelings onto me.
I asked him again please, if we could just communicate and hear each other out cause I just wanted to be okay with him but he just responded with "Go chill out first, do your chores, shower or something." At that point I just couldn't help but break down and feel helpless.
He's just so sarcastic with his replies no matter how I try to make my points across in a calm manner and diffuse it every now and then by calling him babe and telling him I love him.
But he just goes ahead and say "Go ahead and talk then but I'm done with this conversation, I've said my part."

I just feel so disrespected in a way that all I wanted was for him to hear me out, my explanation but he refused to and told me I was just dragging it out when he also could've just became an understanding boyfriend and say something like "Alright babe, I hear you and maybe we do just remember things differently, also sorry for ignoring you last night."
Throughout the conversation he just goes ahead make remarks like "lul" and say something like "yeah i'm listening to your 'Listen' for the nth time." whenever I preface my sentence with "Listen". He does sarcastic and really cold remarks like that even when I'm crying and vulnerable and tells me there-s nothing wrong with his replies, I-m just sensitive.
He loves being right and when he's over the conversation he refuse to ever participate or even be empathetic when I tell him how hurt I am when he gets a certain way.

I'm so lost and over this kind of treatment. I told him last time I wouldn't take this kind of treatment anymore especially since whenever I talk to him I don't speak to him in a disrespectful manner and make stupid remarks.
I fucking love him, he's sweet and I think he's my soulmate and he's not always this much of an asshole, only when we're about to get in an misunderstanding he gets really annoyed. I want us to work but he's stone cold. He used to be open, himself be vulnerable and used to communicate with me but now, I don't see it anymore. Whenever he gets this way, I even give him space that maybe he'll think things through on his own or even miss me enough to stop being cold and sarcastic but it doesn't work anyway. Eventually I just have to give in and let go of it in a way sweep it under the rug, then he gets over it.

I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being treated this way and I don't know what to do to get through. I know I can't force him to change and maybe I should really just accept that he's this way but it's also pretty hard since like I said he used to be different.
I feel hopeless.. am I just being too sensitive and crazy? what can I do?

No. 124927

>>124923
Anon, this is ridiculous. How old are you guys, 12? Your boyfriend is not your soulmate, but an angry manbaby that doesn’t respect you. And you don’t have any self respect, either, as you are taking the blame, apologizing to him and thinking you are the sensitive and crazy one. Your bf made a non-issue a huge deal and you caved in immediately. What can you do? I know the type your bf is and you can either show him your boundaries, speak up against him and not let him treat you like his personal cuck, or you just tell him to fuck off and find someone who respects you. As this has happened before and you already talked about consequences, the latter might be better. What you shouldn’t do: Continue whining in front of him and being so dependant, this will give his sarcastic ass even more power, and the dynamics in your relationship are fucked already.

No. 124928

>>124923
>paragraphs of childish nonsense drama over a fucking online 'relationship'

Holy fuck stop wasting your time, you both sound insufferable. That might be because it reminds me of my own shitty online relationships involving my ex throwing tantrums over nothing and me desperately trying to appease him… back when I was 16. Early 20s is pushing it for this shit.

No. 124929

>>124923
How many times does he need to belittle and invalidate your feelings for you to have had enough? Not to mention he sounds fucking patronizing as hell, like he thinks you’re a total dumbass and an embarrassment, you should feel fucking insulted. This guy sounds incapable of empathy when he’s upset, like a child. Remember anon, everyone is nice until they’re not. It’s how someone act when they’re displeased that shows whether or not they are truly sweet and caring.

No. 124930

>>124927
It stings hearing this but you're right.
It's true I am dependent on him. It is taking a toll on my self worth.
I've been starting to take steps on being more independent and building my confidence and self worth. It fucking hurts since I didn't have much before I met him so I don't really have much to work with to begin with but I'm working on it lol
>>124928
I see how it sounds stupid as fuck in the eyes of others but idk it's just that this is my first ever relationship so I'm still learning.

No. 124931

>>124923

Oh I‘ve been in these before. Like others said he has a lack of respect for you. There‘s a big power imbalance in his favor and it really says a lot about him that he chooses to hurt you with it.

He‘s fully aware of what he‘s doing to you, OK? Don‘t try excuse him otherwise. He just doesn‘t care. I‘m sorry. He‘s become far too comfortable with the fact that he can hurt you in a way it wouldn‘t be acceptable to hurt a friend or family member, and is used to there being no consequences.

It‘s at the point where at the end of it what he says is taken as fact and all you can do is appeal to him. A healthy argument has both people listening to each other, not one of them deciding "how it is", and that‘s what you‘ve got right now.

And really, in terms of him becoming as he was I‘d say it‘s possible, but the fact that he can‘t stay a decent human being as the status quo says a lot, and you‘ll never be able to be vulnerable, because he‘ll take the power he can get and you‘d need to always, always watch out for that. The beginning was him feeling out, slowly, what the boundaries are and you kept giving and giving away. That‘s not who he is.

As an exercise you should turn the tables on him. Instead of saying "please listen" say "there‘s no point because you never have listened and you won‘t now" state it as a fact and put the onus on HIM to prove otherwise. He can panic, and in my experience he can double down on trying to make you feel upset, up the accusation or even revoke his feelings to get you to panic. And if you don‘t react to that, then he‘ll properly panic and maybe try sweep the whole thing under the rug. Because he‘s come to assume control over how you feel and he won‘t like losing that.

I mean, that‘s just if you want to see it demonstrated. I wouldn‘t recommend getting into it because the whole thing is a losing game. I‘ve often been upset after breakups with those people but I have never, ever regretted it.

No. 124933

hey guys. I realised lately I want a family and a long term relationship and just a normal functional life, and to do that realistically I'll need to find a man who I can love and spend my life with and all that shit. problem is I've kind of assumed I was gay, my only relationship was with a girl (who I still love very much) and my only interaction with men in that way has been really traumatic (was groomed as a teenager and prostitued to men who were violent with me) and thinking about a man touching me let alone having sex with me actually makes me want to cry or puke. I do think I find some men attractive but I'm just scared of them. I've been getting therapy but I've had therapists who have refused to help me with this because they thought it was conversion therapy. do any of you guys have any advice about this stuff? to make things worse I'm extremely shy and weird because I'm an autist so it makes it even harder, and because I'm kind of pragmatic I don't care for wasting my time by having shallow relationships with people who I don't see a future with, so it narrows my pool even further. argh I'm so frustrated about this. I've gotten great advice here before so if you have anything you think could help id really appreciate it

No. 124936

>>124933
Why not have a family with a woman?

I also think you should try and see other therapists. I don't see why a therapist can't help you overcome your trauma and help you with anxiety. Although it does sound conversion-y if you want to specifically see a therapist to help you date men.

And a man that isn't ready to deal with your trauma and isn't the right man to have a family with, period. They should be accepting and supportive.

No. 124938

>>124923
You’re being gaslit. Cut it off and run far away if you have any ounce of self respect.

No. 124939

>>124936
I kind of feel like it's too hard for me to build the kind of life I want with another woman. It makes me really sad to say that, because I kind of hoped it would be for a long time but it just doesn't seem that realistic… it would be easier for the kid too, to have regular parents and a reliable male role model (I do actually think it's important for kids to have role models of both sexes, I think it's possible for gay couples to achieve this but harder). also I'm extremely alienated by LGBT people, I find the community to be sick and predatory (I'm detransitioned and what initially sparked that decision was interacting with trans pedos)and frankly pathetic, so it would be difficult for me to find someone of the same sex who was like… normal lol. I don't know my first relationship actually ended because we were outed so I have a lot of baggage from that and maybe thats clouding my judgement here? I just want to be normal and have a normal life :(

No. 124946

>>124923
"I told him last time I wouldn't take this kind of treatment anymore"

You honestly need to cut off all contact. This guy isn't anyones 'soulmate'. He'll spend many years turning girlfriends into nervous wrecks with his mind games, reality is people don't go from being this emotionally abusive to being mature overnight or even within years. Save yourself all the suffering

No. 124961

>>124939
>reliable male role model

Have you met men before? I can't say I'd describe any man I've ever met as reliable or a role model. Are you sure you don't want the Hollywood version of a man/father and not the real one? There's a big difference. Having another woman around (as long as she was mentally well and not a cheater/poly) would be better than a man imo. If you are attracted to women, don't let heteronormativity stop you living the life you want to.

No. 124962

>>124961
Just read your initial post. You have more life experience than me to suggest men are neither reliable nor role models. Don't wish for something that doesn't exist, make a life with another woman. Don't think forcing yourself to be like other people is the solution. Your personality, sexuality amd everything else is a part of you and doesn't need to be "changed."

No. 124964

>>124923
He's playing you like a fiddle, amazing how even when there are no problems in a relationship a guy will invent one, like the nonexistent problem of you pretending to orgasm one time and then admitting it ten seconds later, which he is now "offended" by

I suggest getting more people to talk to that don't find leaving you to go to bed on an argument an amusing way to spend their time

No. 124970

>>124961
This! Out of all the people I have known in my life so far, only 2 have decent fathers and both times it is because they are the avoidant kind who only do fun things with kids and usually don't bother/work constantly. Do you really want to risk those odds just to fulfil hetero normative expectations? I think as long as you have like a grandpa or a decent family friend of male sex around, the kid will be just fine in realising that men exist in the wild too kek

No. 125024

>>122983

Just broke up with my bf of almost 3 months a few days ago. I had ongoing issues with him in the past until the point that it became unbearable.

The relationship happened really fast at the beginning. He kept telling me how he loved me even before we even met, which was weird and bizarre to me but I kind of dismissed it due to the culture barrier between us (I'm British, hes Korean). To add to how fast it was going he wanted to be my bf after our first date and tbf our "date" was really strange like we went to a motel and then we ate food. It seemed like he didn't put any effort for a first date.

Our dating was mostly by dm's, we didn't actually meet that much in person like we met only 8 times. He said because he lives with his parents who don't know about our relationship that he didn't want them to cause problems so he wanted to make an excuse to them so he could see me secretly.

I felt something was missing as even though I was in a relationship. I still felt alone and single? I hung out with my friends for the emotional connections that he didn't fill. I started to feel like I couldn't truly be myself and show my more serious side to him. He was "childlike" in the sense that he enjoyed joking around all the time so being with him felt really superficial and I felt I had to hold back the problems I had with him not investing enough in the relationship. I remember I got angry at him because he always cancels date plans with me the day before and I remember getting annoyed and he would simply say things like: "But I will come tomorrow, you are not a little girl etc." Tbh what upset me the most was that he didn't seem very apologetic and seemed nonchalant whenever he cancelled plans with me.

As time went by I kept my patience just trying to not seem clingy to him, but once again he cancelled on me and I got upset. He kept saying "Don't be angry? Why are you angry?" And things became a little quiet for a while.

To add: this guy was planning to stay in Japan for 2 months on a vacation. I was a little sad but he didn't seem to understand why and kept saying things like "Don't be sad! Why are you sad?" and kept telling me that he would live with me when he came back from Japan which btw, he invited himself to come and stay with me. He never actually asked me beforehand but I just went along with it.

So when we met before he left for Japan I confronted him about the issues in our relationship then he told me that his opinion of me had changed as he thought of me as this soft and kind person until I started showing my emotions and when I got upset when he was being flaky with me. He told me that he didn't like that and he stopped loving me at that moment. At that moment my heart sunk and I cried when I got back home and when I told him about it he got annoyed and said "Why do you keep going on about this? It's over lets move on" and put a bored emoji. I got upset and I retalied saying "Ok then I will shut up." He then messaged me later with a sad emoji and I asked why he sent it and he said "Because you said you would shut up."

Anyways, he left for Japan and continued to put no effort in communication. He would only send 3 messages a day on average and there was even a time that there was a typhoon and he didn't even bother to message me for the whole day considering I got worried. He didn't even like calling me on the phone, which he told me he would do when he was in Japan. I was on the phone to him once and I asked him if we could phone again tomorrow and he was like "No! I don't like phoning you everyday because I will miss you more if I call you often so lets call once every 2 days." I was okay with that until I realised that he never kept his word and only sent me messages once every 6 hours or so.

It came to the limit when I planned to go to Japan to see him but because our relationship was already bad I planned a little so he wasnt the primary focus on the trip. He told me that I could come to Japan whenever and we could meet each other.
But when I arrived in Japan, no surprise he told me that he was to busy rewriting his thesis to meet with me even for a short time. I knew that he failed it and was supposed to write it again but the fact that he did not even give the time for me made me so upset and angry.

I continuously got angry with him until I asked if he wanted this relationship or not. The thing is I did suggest breaking up before but he didn't want to. This time however he said that he was tired too and wanted to stay friends with me and meet me in Busan when he came back from Korea. He told me not to be sad and when I asked he said that he still liked me but didn't know his feelings towards me anymore.
This is the worst breakup I have ever had. I feel like I caused the problems in the relationship because I was too emotional "strong" in it. I haven't eaten for 2 days I just hope I can get through this…

No. 125027

>>125024
honestly this guy ain’t shit and it sounds like he has too many things going on in his personal life to prioritise a relationship. i’m also a westerner who lives in korea and i’m sure you can see how the relationship culture’ (idk what to call it) is really big among young people. it kind of sounds like he wanted a relationship for the sake of being in one but didn’t want to put in any of the work. i know you must be going through a lot right now but please try to take care of yourself. from my standpoint you did nothing wrong and it was him who wasn’t ready for a relationship. there is definitely a better guy out there for you so keep your head up !

No. 125029

>>122983
what do you guys think is the acceptable amount of leeway to give your partner when they’re being flaky with texting and calling and keeping up communication? my girlfriend is super busy right now doing these extra projects so she can hopefully get chosen by this professor to supervise her masters. i’m of course super understanding of her situation but it seems whenever i text her she just grumbles about how she’s struggling with her work. i reassure her or try to distract her by bringing up an inside joke or something and then she gets busy again and doesn’t reply for a bit. she hasn’t really asked me about how my days have been going for a few days in a row now and i’m not sure when is the next time we’ll be able to see each other due to how busy her schedule is. i really just want to be as accommodating as i can for her and i know that she probably feels bad she can’t talk to me as often but i’m not sure if there’s a limit to how long i should let this continue before i put my foot down and explain that she needs to set aside a tiny bit of time to talk to me and just me. not just quickly texting me back in between her classes and study sessions. i’m a pretty timid person and i usually just let everyone walk all over me and treat me like shit but i know i need to raise my standards for myself but idk what’s acceptable

No. 125030

>>122983
what do you guys think is the acceptable amount of leeway to give your partner when they’re being flaky with texting and calling and keeping up communication? my girlfriend is super busy right now doing these extra projects so she can hopefully get chosen by this professor to supervise her masters. i’m of course super understanding of her situation but it seems whenever i text her she just grumbles about how she’s struggling with her work. i reassure her or try to distract her by bringing up an inside joke or something and then she gets busy again and doesn’t reply for a bit. she hasn’t really asked me about how my days have been going for a few days in a row now and i’m not sure when is the next time we’ll be able to see each other due to how busy her schedule is. i really just want to be as accommodating as i can for her and i know that she probably feels bad she can’t talk to me as often but i’m not sure if there’s a limit to how long i should let this continue before i put my foot down and explain that she needs to set aside a tiny bit of time to talk to me and just me. not just quickly texting me back in between her classes and study sessions. i’m a pretty timid person and i usually just let everyone walk all over me and treat me like shit but i know i need to raise my standards for myself but idk what’s acceptable

No. 125031

>>122983
what do you guys think is the acceptable amount of leeway to give your partner when they’re being flaky with texting and calling and keeping up communication? my girlfriend is super busy right now doing these extra projects so she can hopefully get chosen by this professor to supervise her masters. i’m of course super understanding of her situation but it seems whenever i text her she just grumbles about how she’s struggling with her work. i reassure her or try to distract her by bringing up an inside joke or something and then she gets busy again and doesn’t reply for a bit. she hasn’t really asked me about how my days have been going for a few days in a row now and i’m not sure when is the next time we’ll be able to see each other due to how busy her schedule is. i really just want to be as accommodating as i can for her and i know that she probably feels bad she can’t talk to me as often but i’m not sure if there’s a limit to how long i should let this continue before i put my foot down and explain that she needs to set aside a tiny bit of time to talk to me and just me. not just quickly texting me back in between her classes and study sessions. i’m a pretty timid person and i usually just let everyone walk all over me and treat me like shit but i know i need to raise my standards for myself but idk what’s acceptable

No. 125033

well lolcow or my internet fucked up posting that. sorry for the triple post guys

No. 125042

>>125031
>my girlfriend is super busy right now doing extra projects… i’m of course super understanding but i text her anyways while she's working despite her frustrated replies

Stop texting her while you know she's working. Stop being needy and annoying by trying to distract her, and requiring a response. She's working and obviously doesn't want to be distracted or "reassured."

How long has she been this preoccupied? How long have you been together? Is she more attentive when she's not under so much pressure at school?

No. 125043

>my girlfriend is super busy right now doing extra projects… i’m of course super understanding but i text her anyways while she's working despite her frustrated replies

take a hint ffs

No. 125050

>>125024
this guy sounds like a fucking liar, not gonna sugar-coat it. who the hell finds out that their gf came to another country for them and then is like 'naaaahhh, i'm too busy writing a thesis, you can't come over'
you'd think he'd at least take a 30-minute break to meet at a cafe or something, jesus fucking christ. glad you guys aren't dating anymore, this guy is like a flaming trash heap made up entirely of warning signs.

No. 125051

>>124810
Hey anon

Similar situation here when I was younger, so I think I’ve got a handle on what you’re talking about.
Compromise. Being ‘yourself’ is all well and good but keep in mind that other people want to ‘be themselves’ as well. While it’s freeing to ramble on about topics you’re interested in, the way you make and keep friends is to show interest in whatever they are passionate about. Ask questions & be an attentive listener. If they’re a courteous person, they will do the same for you when you start rambling about something that they don’t have experience in (just as you should if they start talking about their intense passion for horror movies or monster trucks or beanie-babies or what-have-you). Your hobbies do not limit or define you–they’re just passions or interests like everyone else has, and people won’t dislike you purely based on them. Cultivate a caring persona, invest yourself in the well-being of others around you (even if you have to force yourself at first), and they’ll return the favor.

No. 125065

File: 1570752536839.jpeg (879.48 KB, 1242x1206, B7B98599-6303-444D-BDC8-22D43B…)

I used to not understand why girls/women would become super insecure just because their boyfriend liked another girl’s picture on social media because I didn’t think it meant much. But now that I am in a relationship, I think I understand now.

Today I randomly went through my boyfriend’s likes on Twitter and I saw he liked a girl’s body pic which made me die on the inside. That’s what my ass gets for lurking.

I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t want to be annoying, but it bothers me. Maybe I’ll just cry this out and try to sweep it to the side.

We just started dating this year after being friends for a while, and he’s such a sweet and caring guy. Maybe I’m getting played and I just don’t want to face reality.

If this continues, I want someone to put me in a coma.

No. 125068

What could it mean for a guy to be talkative and personal over messages but colder in real life?

We aren't dating and it's a school setting (group project) but he has been super friendly to me. We've been personally messaging since starting and he even sent me the free pdf of another shared class' textbook unsolicited.
But in the non-group-project class he never sits next to me. We could be chatting over messages the same day but then he sits across the (big) room, and not with friends or anything.

Is he just greasing the wheel so the project goes well? He approached me alone to be part of my group too. But I think I just have a friendly face heh.

ITT because I kind of like him and wonder if I have a chance or if he's just being nice temporarily. Have any other anons experienced this?

No. 125075

>>125031
well it turns out i was freaking out over nothing she just rang me and told me she wants to get married to me ~~~

No. 125094

>>125075
That's great anon! I hope she can fulfill your every texting whim from now until eternity

No. 125095

>>125065
How long ago did he like the pic? That sucks anon. He's only human tho. He could've been impressed by the pic but still love and be attracted to you. I would talk to him about it tho bc I wouldn't be able to live like that if he did it often. It may even have been a mistake? Unlikely, yet possible.

No. 125106

>>125095
Her picture is from a day ago. She’s a muscly popular cosplayer. I guess he could’ve just been impressed. She does have a nice body, even I was impressed, lol. That’s the only body picture he liked so maybe I am just being a little dramatic.

No. 125443

My boyfriend is from another part of the country so, as we want to live together, he stays at my house so we could both look for some work and move out together.

It's been a month and I got a job I started a week ago, he doesn't have anything yet which wouldn't bother me if :

-he didn't complain about it all the time
-he wasn't picky about it
-he wouldn't try to deflect his frustration on me, as if I kidnapped him to have him at my place
-he wouldn't be angry about trivial things like not working out like at his place or not seeing his dog yet and just focus on the bigger picture
-he wouldn't just ignore me in my own room
-he wouldn't take the whole bed when I wake up, and since he sleeps a lot I can't just lounge in my bed in between work
-he wouldn't fuck up my sleep

Etc…I don't have any intimacy since he's always here in my room, and it's making me crazy but I love him, and I can't send him back to his place when he was supposed to start a life with me here ? I'm lost and close to a mental breakdown.

No. 125446

>>125443
set ground rules or expectations that you can both agree on
that way, if he goes back on what you both agree to do, you know he's trash

it's important to have boundaries so he's not just abusing you financially

No. 125464

>>125443
Living together can really test whether or not a couple is compatible, if you are this unhappy already should you be signing a lease with this guy?

Right now you have the option end things without those financial/practical complications

No. 125471

>>123361
In all honesty, you sound like a bad girlfriend, anon. Dump him so he can get a better one!

No. 125491

>>125443
I am in a similar problem with my long distance bf, except we took the plunge and moved in together. He is hard to live with, it's draining. I want to move back home. I regret it. He doesn't pull his share of the weight at home, he doesn't clean or contribute his share financially despite having a larger paycheck than me. With time I've been able to get him to pitch in more but the fact I had to coach him over and over really damaged things in my eyes and he is less attractive to me. Really make sure he's worth it before you make a mistake that involves contracts and leases. If you insist on moving in together, get a two room apartment and he can sleep in one room and you in the other. I do this and it actually helped with our sleep problems and I don't wake up absolutely hating him. You can fall asleep together in one bed and then one of you goes to the other room if you can't sleep. Also nice since you are long distance that if he wants family to visit there's a bed waiting.

Repost for typo.

No. 125505

>>123361
i'm almost verbatim in this exact scenario, only difference being my boyfriend has hurt me multiple times. We agreed to work though it but ever since then i've been "window shopping" and small talking on dating sites. There's times when me and my boyfriend have met up (we see each other once a week) and he has been silent for 30 minutes waiting for me to say something interest. It's mind numbing.

I'm breaking up with him soon but my advice for you anon is don't waste your time. You're young i'm presuming and you shouldn't waste these years in a relationship you feel apathetic about. You're not evil for feeling this way but i'd just end it before you do something that you don't want to (cheat).

No. 125532

File: 1571392352434.gif (40.26 KB, 220x168, jake.gif)

i'm in an ldr and having a bit of a rough time right now.
my relationship started while i was seeing a counsellor and had just gotten out of a very abusive friendship (sounds strange, don't often hear someone say they're in an abusive friendship huh), so i wasn't exactly stable when we got together. i stopped seeing my counsellor a few months into the relationship as i thought i was a lot better, but i wasn't. and started relying on my boyfriend for emotional help a lot, and it inevitably started to exhaust him.
i feel really fucking bad for treating him like my therapist all the time and it's taken a toll on him. i've made an appointment at the doctor's for next week so they can refer me to a counsellor or provide some kind of professional help again, and my boyfriend and i decided to give each other space for a week or so, or however long it might take for us to figure things out in our personal lives. he wants to continue our relationship, and he still loves me very much and cares for me, but we both know that we need time alone.
how do i cope in the time i'm waiting, until i see the doctor? i feel incredibly alone and i just want to make my boyfriend feel better but the best way i can do that is to just leave him alone right now. and it hurts a lot. i wouldn't break up with him unless he told me he wanted to. i just don't know what to do

No. 125533

When you lose weight should you be flattered or annoyed your partner suddenly wants more intimacy. I like it, but I can’t help but think I was always looked at like I was a fat slob, now I’m a slightly less fat slob.

No. 125540

>>125533
Well, what did you expect? People are shallow and now that you're slightly less gross you now pique interest again. It would go back to how it was if you got fatter again. It is what it is.

No. 125545

>>125540
NTA but since I've been spoiled with a s/o that has the same attraction to me whether I'm at a 22 bmi or a 36 bmi I now feel like I can't go back. I feel they will even accept me if a 18 bmi (when they previously said they dont want it)

No. 125548

>>125545
They probably don't want it because it's underweight. I doubt a loving partner would withhold intimacy.

No. 125559

I think my boyfriend is asexual. I thought he was submissive because he would always please me but most of the time he won't get hard or turned on. If he did it would be for like a minute and then flaccid again. I don't mind him not being hard because I absolutely do not want PIV, but still I always assumed up until now he was excited without getting hard. I noticed something seemed off because he never really seemed really passionate or eager, he is much more lovey-dovey during just normal hugging/kissing. Also for a while I thought because he never initiated, he just had a responsive libido so I've been very proactive. Making sure he's relaxed, cared for, giving him massages before being intimate etc. Not much has worked.

I brought it up to him and he told me he isn't a very sexual person, he usually masturbates once a month, and that he doesn't get turned on but still enjoys pleasing me. He said sometimes he might not seem enthusiastic because he works a full time physical job and being physically intimate can be exhausting for him. Something about that made me feel extremely bad and also scared, that he doesn't feel the same way as me. I tried to explain to him but he told me that it shouldn't be a big deal if he gets turned on because he loves me. And also that it's a compromise because his very low drive means he would never want or demand PIV from me.

I am also grateful he doesn't look at me like a sex object but at the same time I feel undesired by the person I love most in the world. For the past 2 days I felt really hurt and haven't talked to him much as I need time to cool off. Am I just being overdramatic? I should be happy because he is pleasing me when I initiate but at the same time if orgasms were all that matters I would just masturbate…

Tl;dr: I feel like my bf and I are not emotionally clicking during sex because I believe he is either asexual/very low libido. I feel like he is leaning towards asexual because he said he would be fine not being intimate ever, and all that matters is that we love each other. Is there anything I can do about this other than compromise?

No. 125561

(i don't know if I shoulD ask this question in relationship advice thread, since i'm not talkig about relationship here but idk where else can I do it)

Anyways, there is this guy that I am friends with and think he's in love with me. He never said anything but he suspicisly sweet to me (buys me small gifts, pays for me when we go out together etc.). I'm not intrested in him at all. Here's my question how to let him know I just want to be friends, but not hurt him to much. I tried more "subtle methods" to show him I don't really care about him that much (like taking a week to respond to his texts) but it did't work. We're not close friends and don't have much in common.

I was thinking about telling him I have a boyfriend, but
a) that would be a lie, and I don't want to lie
b) I don't like the fact that I have to use another man (especially nonexistet one) to let a guy know I don't want him. I just don't

No. 125565

>>125559
are you sure he isn't into men

No. 125567

>>125561
Don't accept anything from him (you shouldn't have) and let him know that you're not into him, just don't be rude and start by asking if he likes you and if that's the reason why he's so kind to you.

No. 125569

>>125565
Lmao I see how that's the first conclusion but no. He eats me out (and isn't squicked out by it) and always tells me how beautiful my body is. He also rarely masturbates too and doesn't understand how people are so obsessed with sex. He judges men a lot for this and is exasperated by stereotypes that men only think about sex. I think he is legit asexual but idk.

No. 125585

Forgive me for being autistic, but my lab partner has a very cute friend and I was like half introduced (Lab partner accompanied by cute friend greets me and asks him a question about me “doesn’t she look like…”). Is it weird to ask the lab partner stuff about him, something like if he’s single? I’d consider the lab partner a friend but were not very close. The campus is big so I don’t really see the cute guy anywhere else except for chance encounters. Or should I leave it to one of those chances and try to approach him if I see him again?
Also I wasn't sure if this should go in the general advice thread or here…

No. 125587

>>125585
You could be straight with your friend and just tell her you’d like to know more about the guy. Maybe she’ll give you some info. However she may like him too and then she might start messing with you. If you start asking questions it’s going to be very clear you like him btw

No. 125588

>>125587
Lab partner is also male so I'm not sure if that changes the dynamic any?

No. 125615

I'm damn sure I need a "best friend" breakup but I don't know how to go about it.

She's a good person and isn't inherently malicious but I can't take it, definitely not in my mental state.

She's autistic and it's because I'm sure that she can't really help things and isn't probably aware that she's doing it that I'm so unsure of confrontation.

(Rant)
Things were great at first, we clicked and I really enjoyed that someone I liked wanted to be with me and pursued me as a friend. I'm often a loner and have a hard time maintaining friendships so her persistence just worked. She had small quirks that annoyed me but nothing I couldn't handle at the time. She was often irresponsible with her medications and I often found myself responsible for when she started feeling sick. She was also a terrible eater and that combined with her meds meant she'd only get sicker when she wouldn't eat or refused to keep herself hydrated because she couldn't eat/drink what she wanted. This was especially annoying during large hangouts/cons when there were other people I also wanted to be around but again, nothing I couldn't handle ( I'm the "best friend" I had to be there for her, right?), plus I felt like we were really working on things, we were growing together.
As time went on though, I felt myself trying to ditch her more and more. It became about more than her irresponsibility to her health but eventually how I felt she was manipulating me. She would never ask for things, she would instead go around it by saying something like, "oh, are those snack, I love those. I don't get to eat them often and I haven't eaten anything all day" unnecessarily guilting you into giving your food up/buy her food. It's one thing to straight out ask but to guilt someone? It was even worse when it came to higher value possessions, the things you saved up for and worked for. Same thing except she would play the "poor girl, always had a hard life and never had nice things" card, she would often (try to) guilt others into this. And then there's boys.. I feel like we've always been able to act well around fems, but interacting with males has always been a whole other beast. She's a proud lesbian but I've always felt her trying for male approval, going so far as to often use me as a prop. "She's my 'best friend' wink wink but silly boy you can have me, I'm gay" or just acting more sexual around my cis-male presenting friends than she would with my other friends. I also feel like my experiences and interests are undermined when she's around or even in messages. "How are you?" (when she bothers) is often a prelude to the barrage of tragedies that seem to often befall her and "everything is awful uwu poor pitiful me" until she finds something to sperge on. And this final thing is the straw that's finally broken the camel's back.
I've had a terrible past year and have been a broke, sad neet since I lost my crappy retail job that I held for four years and just losing all hope and trust. My 'best friend's' supposed to be there, supposed to encourage and cheer me on. But it's only been treated like an excuse to charade as "bffs suffering together" another way for her to frolic in and flaunt HER misery. Her troubles are never her own, but seemingly mine too, while mine remain just my own. I've really tried to distance myself since then, all my energy needing to go to my recovery. Sometimes she does give me small gifts and coffee to kind of cheer me up and a part of me knows that she's trying in her own way but honestly, her lack of genuine words only makes me feel like I'm being bought, a monster to placate. I appreciate her small efforts but being honest to myself, it's not enough.
What really broke me though is recently when Promare premiered. She'd driven all the way to another city and took a small vacation to watch it twice and I was proud of her to do something like that on her own. But what finally struck me was that this movie was showcased in a theater, one of the very places I could never go with her because they were traumatic for her, and it just reminded me of all the things I've felt I've been denied because "we're best friends". I understand that maybe she was able to sit and watch this particular movie twice in a theater because it was something she was really excited for and really wanted to do but I just broke. And I can't get over my feelings of "I need to get away". Maybe it's just my depresso talking but it's all gotten to be too much and I feel like we've diverged just too much in the many years we've been friends.

Despite all the bad, I really love her and don't want to lose her but we can't be "best friends" anymore.

No. 125658

so my girlfriend vapes. it’s kind of the culture here where we live for college students to vape (not really so much in my home country) and i can understand why she does it because she has a lot of stressful situations going on in her life. when we first started dating i didn’t mind so much and i tried vaping because i was curious about what it was like. but these days i’ve really fallen in love with my girlfriend and i get worried, what with the general knowledge we have that smoking is bad for you and the recent scares in the us relating to juul. yesterday at her place i saw she has a new vape pen and this one is one where you put an actual cigarette type thing into it. my girlfriend claims that she’s just borrowing a friends vape device to try it out but part of my wonders if this is true. it’s not so much the vaping that bothering me it’s if she is lying about it. this new vape device is stronger than her older ones she’s used so i can understand the appeal. i really hope she isn’t lying about this and she really is just trying one of her friends because it’s the niggling thought in my head that she’s lying which bothers me the most. really i don’t want to be a nagging girlfriend about this but i just hope she understands that i’d rather her be honest about this. instead of telling me she’s trying to cut back i wish she would just say that she is hooked and she doesn’t really want to cut back because that’s what it seems like. she makes a point to not vape when she’s with me anyway because i think she realises that it bothers me a little bit but if she’s vaping a lot when i’m not there it’s kind of pointless. i care about her and i want her to stop vaping for her own health and finances and not because she feels like she has to do it for me. ugh anyway. and then part of me is doubting whether i should even be bothered about this. obviously it’s her life and she can do what she wants and if we’re talking about health i’m not that healthy either. i don’t smoke or do drugs and i don’t drink to the excess but i am underweight with some eating disorder issues. and i know that addiction and eating disorders are very similar in a lot of respects so i feel hypocritical getting on my girlfriend’s case about vaping. ugh anyway. i’m not sure how i should feel about this. my girlfriend also smokes shisha/hookah but i can justify that a little more in that it’s more of a social thing and i would place it in the same category of drinking with your friends so i don’t mind that so much.

No. 125704

I wasn’t really flirted with, but a guy who was incel tier was talking to me somewhere. He wasn’t ugly, but not attractive to me. He kept looking at the ceiling while talking to me instead of eye contact, and I thought it was kinda cute. I’m thinking about it now in a sense like this quirk could be very attractive to me, but I have a partner. Is it wrong to think this way while with someone?

No. 125705

>>125704
I'm tempted to point out that a lack of eye contact while speaking to someone is an autism trait .. but then diagnosing strangers with autism; is overdone on here lol

No. 125707

>>125705
He eventually gave me more eye contact as it progressed. Straight up thought he was going to ask for my number but he didn’t. I don’t care that it happened, I just keep thinking about how cute it was.

No. 125708

>>125704
it's ridiculous to think you could or should completely turn off your attraction to other people while in a relationship, or expect a partner to do so. finding other people attractive or cute is not wrong, you can't possibly control that.
wrong would be acting on it behind your partner's back.

No. 125709

>>125705
could've just been nervousness, social anxiety or lack of social skills in general who knows

No. 125721

An old friend of mine and myself are in love with the same guy, a mutual friend of us both. I know she has strong feelings for him because she told me a while ago, but I never told her I felt the same because it didn't seem worth it. However, he recently confessed to me that he has feelings for me, and wants to be a couple. I want that too, but I'm very worried about how my friend will react. She has depression and has been struggling with it for a while, and I'm worried if I pursued this it would kill her self-esteem and possibly our friendship. But at the same time, I want to be with him. I genuinely think we could make each other very happy. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Either a common love interest or dealing with a friend who has depression?

No. 125741

>>125721
I know it sucks because you feel like you would damage you friend's mental health further, but at the same time if you really want that, don't stop yourself from having a relationship with the person you wanted to be. It's not like you didn't have feelings and you just wanted because you're bored or something.
I would talk about it with the friend first and explain everything so it doesn't seem to her that you did it without thinking about her, and be with the guy. I know you feel for your friend, but you can't stop yourself from living because it could hurt someone. Besides, if she's a good friend she will eventually be happy for you. Not your fault he likes you, not her.

No. 125743

How should I treat my bf‘s mother when she‘s a casual racist but sweet as pie to me? I‘ve never been sure but I‘ll be seeing her soon again so want to have a definitive stance.

Like she goes out of her way to try speak my language despite not being too good at it, tries to compliment my appearance or downplay my failures and generally gives preferential treatment. Given the horror stories about MIL‘s that I‘ve seen I‘m glad for it.

But like…for example I‘m trying to be recognized as a certain nationality (for certain benefits, and my father is natively from there) and she mentions to her husband in her language that I don‘t have a great grasp on: "haha yeah, I can‘t imagine wanting to be that nationality for the sake of it!".

I mean that‘s the only example directed towards me, and it‘s always mild, but she says all sorts of…wrong…shit and it makes me pretty uncomfortable.

Speak up or not? Bf says whenever the mother says outright racist shit the family rolls their eyes and says that‘s not true or something, but I don‘t think I‘m a that status yet.

No. 125744

>>125721
Whether or not it's worth potentially sacrificing a friendship over is up to you, but you should know that you're not responsible for your friend's mental health.

No. 125745

>>125721
Whether or not it's worth potentially sacrificing a friendship over is up to you, but you should know that you're not responsible for your friend's mental health.

No. 125746

>>125721
Whether or not it's worth potentially sacrificing a friendship over is up to you, but you should know that you're not responsible for your friend's mental health.

No. 125750

>>125743
What do you want to be recognized as for what status wtf are you talking about

No. 125751

>>125750

Basically should I confront her casual racism and possibly cause discontent/difficulty getting on with the family despite being nice to me, or look the other way.

No. 125757

>>125751
Grow up and recognize that nobody has a duty to make you feel more secure about your fetish.

No. 125765

>>125743
You say she treats you well so get over it, you can't change a woman twice your age and it is certainly not your place to either

No. 125777

>>125741
Thanks anon. I've spoken to a few other friends and this seems to be the general advice. I am sad though, because I remember how she used to be and she has really declined. I accepted a long time ago that I can't help her, but now I feel like I'm contributing. Still…I like him so much. So I'm going to talk to her.

No. 125913

My boyfriend's ex crosses boundaries in a way that is impossible to articulate, in a 'know it when i see it' sense.

>feverishly checks on my private social media and asks questions (e.g. my age, my job)

>awkwardly orbits all his social media posts
>suggests that i'm manipulative
>compares herself to me (e.g. 'i'm gonna be a stripper to flex on her' context: i’m a stripper)
>sends him inappropriate selfies and asks him to rate them
>making hypothetical situations about their 'marriage' (give me a break)
>has some invented rivalry with me in her head
>gets off on the idea of being the 'other woman'/determined to 'win'
>gossips about me with his best friend looking for dirt
>makes a public spectacle by commenting on all his posts
>’do you think she’s prettier than me’ (he was afraid to answer honestly)
>he doesn't really help and has straight up told her that I'm jealous of her: I'm exponentially better looking and make more money than her
>I understand that she is insecure and he feels obligated to comfort her, but I feel like he went to far in that instance.
>has a bizarro, pathological pickme autist social media persona that ‘coincidentally’ panders to all his interests
>constantly bothered him with long, flatulent messages about her miserable life/being broke commanding his attention while she knew we were on a trip to Italy that i paid for.


They hooked up while we broke up and starting sending nudes the second after we broke up in January - which made me feel humiliated and idiotic. She considers this an enormous victory over me.

I have asked him to establish boundaries with her more than once, but never receive a reasonable response, he can’t empathise.

He over-accommodates her to the detriment of our relationship. This woman is 22 years old, a whole 4 years older than me and just hasn’t got herself together and relies on her ex for emotional support/ego boosts?

There was also an incident where she raped him and later tried to convince him that I had also raped him to comfort her conscience - and he didn’t even correct her which I was furious about. Am i supposed to overlook this? He even wants me to invite her, a sex offender, to our wedding where there are going to be children present.

Please don't suggest we break up because we are very in love and have never been happier, I would rather die than go through the pain of being split up again.

No. 125915

>>125913
Sounds like he enjoys the attention/ego boost from her and that's why he hasn't broken it off.

>They hooked up while we broke up and starting sending nudes the second after we broke up in January

This also is a huge fucking red flag, sorry but he doesn't sound like a decent man who can be in a committed relationship.

No. 125916

>>125915

I'm very aware that he enjoys the ego boost and also has very little friends and is reliant on her for company. I haven't even suggested they break the friendship off, but he has acted aghast at the idea, throwing around words like 'abusive/manipulative'.

I live in constant fear of suffering an infidelity, but I love him so much and we have such a grand time together.

I know she's got autism, can someone please help me understand her thought process because I can't relate at all.

No. 125919

>>125916
He is playing games. No one in a committed relationship with someone they love entertains bullshit like this. Stop focusing on her when you should be focusing on what he does and how his actions reflect how he feels you.

>hooks up with her and sends her nudes

>she ""rapes"" (I highly doubt this one, he probably was trying to justify having sex with her) him yet he calls you abuse/manipulative
>bothers to deal with her bullshit even when on an expensive trip that you planned out and paid for

Those are all huge red flags. Why are you putting up with someone who doesn't love you and constantly disrespects you?

>I love him so much and we have such a grand time together.

Ok but that doesn't mean he loves you or cares about you. I get you a stripper but still you need to have some semblance of self-worth and find a better partner. Also don't spend any more money or emotional investment on this retard.

No. 125946

>>125913
oh my god are you the anon that posted your picture, that hates your bf's pizzagirl ex and called her 'dolphin nosed' or something

No. 125951


No. 125953

>>125913
…So he's dating an 18 y/o stripper who pays for his holidays (you) and has an inappropriate relationship with his ex/side chick? Sounds like a winner lmfao. Dunno how old he is, but it sounds like he's using you and takimg advantage of how naive and attached you are

No. 125955

File: 1571898544764.png (30.23 KB, 1248x229, lol.PNG)

>>125951
lmao don't lie. pic related is you. said the same things, allegedly raped by her, broken up after january, you flexing constantly about your age, 'job', and appearance, etc, etc. you still sound ridiculous and you're again blaming and hating the wrong person. your bf is a retard and so are you, but especially your bf. now you want to marry this fool? you're a mess.

No. 125956

>>125953

I don’t know where to find the strength to break up with him, and I feel like if I did, he’d end up sexting his ex again the second I did, and I would just fall right back into his arms shortly after.

No. 125962

>>125956
To me, it sounds like you're the insecure one, for sure you broke down so easily.
Why are you so afraid they'd hook up after you break up with him? Would you feel defeated? Sounds like you're consciously keeping up on her games but trying to hide it to yourself while your boyfriend is in a win-win situation and you're committing to marriage? Please, girl, get your shit together before it's too late.

No. 125964

>>125913

1) Leave him, it's obvious he prefers her and honestly it's not hard to see why. You are obsessed with her. Men always are interested in the woman their girlfriend hates.

2) Get a real job.

Problems solved.

No. 125965

>>125956
>he’d end up sexting his ex again the second I break up with him

Are you even listening to yourself? Never commit yourself to a man who is this interested in someone else, are you crazy? If you really were as great as you portray yourself to be you would walk away immediately because you would know you can find someone else.

No. 125967

>>125962
>>125964
>>125965

You’re all right :/ I want to leave him I really do

No. 125970

>>125964
Wait, is this really true? Men prefer women their gf doesn’t like? So if I stop mentioning this problem to him then he’ll like her less?

No. 125971


No. 125972

>>125913
>we are very in love and have never been happier
sure sounds like that's just you

No. 125975

>>125971
So, my character has been blasted by anons, but what could I do to tackle this problem?

No. 125979

>>125913
>she raped him

Anon come on now

No. 125980

>>125979
She even admitted it in a convo of theirs I read.

No. 125986

>>125980
doesn't explain why he went back for seconds and is still friends with her. if he really was raped doesn't that indicate something sick about him?

i've heard of girls who retraumatize themselves like that are unstable and need help not romance.

No. 125989

>>125986
Every time I broach the subject he alludes to breaking up to shut me up. He says I’m forcing him to choose between us which isn’t what I’m trying to do at all

No. 125999

>>125975
>what could I do to tackle this problem
>>125913
>Am i supposed to overlook this?

You can't fix this "problem." And you shouldn't overlook it either. You need to leave him because he doesn't love you as much as you love him. He fucks his ex and sendas nudes because he cares more about that than about you.

I'm sorry that it hurts but you can surely do much better for yourself girl. You know it too.

No. 126000

>>125970
The earnestness and naiveté of this comment coming from an 18-year-old stripper kinda makes me sad

No. 126002

>>125999
I don’t think I could live without him honestly he keeps me sane

No. 126006

>>126002
How does some NEET who clearly cares about some other girl who he hooked up as much as if not more than you and acts inappropriate towards keep you “sane”??

No. 126017

>>126002
There's your problem. You think this is normal behavior. It's unhealthy and he's not keeping you "sane" (whatever that means). I hate to be harsh but it's true.

No. 126036

>>123537
>>123572
Old, sorry, but I hope anon sees this….
You literally sound like me when I was 18. Hits too close to home. Had to respond.

You've been traumatized, right. So if you're sharing your life with someone, they have to share that trauma too. That's hard. If he's young, he might not understand how to process that trauma, and take it out on you. It could take years to learn how to sort out those feelings.
Maybe he had to cut you out of his life to deal with that second-hand trauma.

It feels awful to be in love with someone when they don't want to be around you. There's no closure. So you have to ask yourself, is it worth waiting around for him, or should you just move on with your life.

In my case, I loved other people, but he was always in the back of my mind. Half-assed some relationships for a couple years. But when we finally spoke again, and he wanted to get back together, I realized that someone who could go that long without caring- they probably doesn't care. Also came to realize that Dude had a massive porn addiction and half the shit I felt bad for wasn't my fault.

So if he doesn't have the feelings anymore, you gotta move on. It's not worth hanging on to, life is too short.
If years down the line, he decides to forgive you, maybe y'all could have a second chance. But until then, try to remember the happy times and build a new life without him in it.

No. 126044

This is a question for everyone, in a relationship, out of a relationship, never been in a relationship

What’s the one thing you want your significant other to say?

Even if it’s something they’ve already said it, even if they say it every day

No. 126050

>>126044
I need you in my life.

No. 126053

File: 1572025926768.png (281.25 KB, 720x1005, ss.png)

Am I in the wrong for disliking my boyfriend when he added a person like this off of r9k before we met? He claims he only added them because it seemed like a challenge & an interesting person to him. This is also coming from a man who claims he is afraid of women when we first met. Honestly it just comes across as bullshit because he made it out to be innocent before ever showing me the actual post.

No. 126054

>>126053
I mean…it happened before he met you, so it's not cheating or anything. The only problem is him minimizing it and making it non-sexual.

I'm sure some anons will say him using /r9k/ or imageboards at all is a redflag tho.

No. 126057

>>126044
You're happiness is important to me.
You make me feel loved.
You make me a better person.

No. 126064

>>126053
If he's not still talking to the girl, it shouldn't be a problem… It is natural for you to feel jealous tho. He was probably just ashamed to be honest about it.

Agree with previous anon tho, /r9k/ is a red flag, they really don't like women on that part of the internet. Hopefully he doesn't still post there.

No. 126086

>>122983
me and my boyfriend both suffer from depression and anxiety. he's more the type to shut out everyone and refuse any help. he's been on edge a lot lately, and while i do try my best to help him, it's kind of hard to…especially when i'm burning out on my own. he lets out his anger on me by raising his voice and throwing things. i try to be understanding considering his circumstances…but i can only do so much for him. he's a good person and has done a lot for me but that aspect of him kind of scares me. i know that i'm not that good to be around when i'm in my moods but i at least never take my anger out on him or even raise my voice in the slightest…
i know two depressed people can't make it work but i want to know if there's anyway to overcome these things or to better ourselves…

No. 126091

>>126053
I had the same situation. It's not really a big deal since he's not talking to her anymore, but yeah, it's really unattractive and slightly alarming to find out the person you are with is an orbiter. It brings up so many thoughts. Like how could this person give so much attention to someone who doesn't even care about them? Are they so desperate they'll take anyone even if that person is trash? And if that's true, what does that say about you and the relationship? Is he with you because he's pathetic and can't do any better or is he capable of real love? It's hard, it seems sleazy, makes it seem like he doesn't take real connection seriously if he can have feelings for someone that aren't reciprocated. I don't know. The sane answer is that it doesn't matter since he's not talking to her anymore and it's in the past. The emotional answer is that it's weird shitty behavior. I don't think these men realize how detrimental it is to future relationships when they do things like this. It's disheartening and a bit gross. Also seems weird like he's capable of objectifying women if he can worship someone who doesn't gaf.

No. 126093

>>126044
I found a job lol

No. 126209

I'm in a good relationship, we love eachother. But my boyfriend is constantly depressed and it has gotten worse since he started uni again. He just won't get out of bed in the morning and I'm currently stuck doing all the chores, he doesn't seem to have much of a sex drive either and I feel undesirable. I just don't know what to do. I wish he could at least get out of bed at 10:00 instead of 13:00.

I'm not gonna leave him because of this, no way. But some advice would be nice.

No. 126214

>>126209
I feel like alot of people view it as monstrous to leave a person when they're dealing with depression but I've been the depressed partner who's been dumped (twice now) and it's totally fair to preserve your own mental health by breaking up or similarly to decide that 'no sex and no help with chores' is a dynamic you won't put up past a certain time frame. Is he doing everything that he can to address the depression, meds, therapy?

Have you discussed the knock on effect that it has on you?

No. 126237

File: 1572300482970.jpg (69.93 KB, 1280x720, polyamorous.jpg)

I used to hate annoying het kinkster couples in open relationships cause I was in a loving vanilla LDR where we had great sex that was normal (at most doing soft D/S and gentle femdom) and now that me and my bf have actually moved in together I have to do more out there stuff to get him interested and we might open our relationship so he can have experiences with dudes and I can do stuff with girls like I don't think our relationship is going to be ruined by it it's just kind of cringe

No. 126239

>>126237
Lmao, if someone is getting bored of their partner they shouldn't be together. Opening a relationship should never be an option. I'd rather be alone

No. 126256

Is it normal for your partner to only respond "ok", "idk", "no", "yes" to everything? We are currently in LDR, so typing is the only way we can communicate (since he doesn't want to cam or vc… sigh), but he just puts no effort into it. It's quite disheartening. I know some of his accounts and he always writes a lot of thoughtful posts, but when it comes to talking to me, I'm lucky if he asks me one question that isn't "how are you".

No. 126257

>>126256
Are you 12? I wouldn't even call this a relationship. No it's not normal and either he doesn't give a shit about you or he doesn't want to invest himself in an LDR (because he doesn't care about you).

Save yourself the trouble girl.

No. 126258

>>126256
Have you posted this before or is lolcow just full of girls who waste their time in pointless LDRs with men who clearly don't even want to talk to them? I just don't get it… like, if you're going to be in a poor imitation of a real relationship shouldn't it at least be an extra communicative, verbally driven one? Words are literally all you have.

No. 126259

File: 1572328097942.jpg (18.22 KB, 720x720, 1572256573731.jpg)

>>126257
Eh, you are probably right, I've never been in LTR so I have no idea how they work. We are supposed to meet up in a couple of months though, so I'll probably wait until then.

>>126258
Nope, I've never posted about it before, so probably some farmers are as dumb as me.

No. 126276

> Am I too bad for trying to leave?
So here's the thing: I've started seeing this guy, and he's somewhat disturbed. He's addicted (cocaine/alcoohol/list goes on) and is in denial. He had a hard childhood and adolescence, like really hard.
All of this made him somewhat insensitive. He got a hate for women, he struggles REALLY hard to emphatize with others (not even mention animals, which he admitted he liked to torture and kill).
Thing is: I can't take it anymore. It's like he's unable to feel anything, he's dead inside. I do love him and wish I could help him, but he makes me feel like shit. I don't even know if the things he does to me it's self sabbotage or sheer sadism anymore.
On the other hand I pity him so much for having so many horrible things in his life, and how it aways seems like hes further and further lost. I feel guilty for leaving, and Idk anymore if I am bad or just stupid. What would you do?

No. 126296

>>126276
Leave. I would never want to be with someone out of pity. And I would hate finding out that my partner is with me out of pity. This doesn't even take into account the addictions and anti-social display of liking animal abuse. And hating women.
Screw the guilt. You'll get over it soon enough. Get out before he does something to you.

No. 126312

>>126276
>He got a hate for women, he struggles REALLY hard to emphatize with others (not even mention animals, which he admitted he liked to torture and kill)
So he ALREADY hates your guts and you're still concerned about hurting his poor wittle feefees? Fuck that. Sorry but you are being stupid. This guy is one big walking, breathing red flag, he will probably murder you one day, not just be a shitty bf. Killing animals is literally textbook future serial killer behaviour.

Prioritize your happiness and your safety, not a mental case who uses his hard life as an excuse to be a terrible human being. Dump him and feel no guilt because he is a bad person and there's no excuse for it.

No. 126313

>>126259
Oh anon. I've been with my husband for years and we talk more in text throughout the day than you do with your boyfriend.

No, this is not how LTRs work. This is your boyfriend no longer caring much for the relationship. He's giving you short answers because he's disengaging. There's nothing you can do about that but find someone who loves you and is more invested in you. I know that you want to wait to see him in person but that's going to be like putting a band aid on a cancerous tumor. It will feel good for a few days/weeks after and then you will be right back to where you are now. I know it's not what you want to hear but speaking from experience, you are much better off dumping him now and being free to date someone else in a couple of months instead of wasting more time and misplaced hope on him.

>>126276

Get as far away from him as possible and never date anyone like him again. Seriously, love yourself more, anon. You are too good for all of that bull shit.

No. 126314

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 months and he is kind of getting on my nerves. His sense of humor is raunchier and more teasing/ball-busting than what I'm used to and it makes me uncomfortable. He also realizes something bothers me (joking about buying me crotchless panties for example) and then makes the same joke repeatedly. It gets annoying after a while.
Is this normal? Do we just need to get used to each other's sense of humor?
I keep telling him to stop by I feel like I'm just criticising him at this point. But God it's aggravating and makes him seem immature, which is unattractive.
Any advice on how to correct this (literally I'd like to elevate his sense of humor beyond teasing me and trying to make me annoyed, and also stop repeating shit)? He has potential and I like him, but this one thing is aggravating.

No. 126315

>>126314
Humor is one of the first things that has to click imo. At two months in you shouldn't be finding him annoying or even thinking about his 'potential'. I don't foresee this lasting very long tbh.

No. 126316

Hi farmers, I've been exclusively dating (or seeing) a guy that I met on Hinge since mid September, and him too. Just as a quick background, I've usually dated /liked guys who were awful at communicating, made me feel like I was too much, etc. He's been a really sweet person and never makes me feel like I have to hide my weirdness and like I'm too much. He's basically the opposite of all the bad guys I've liked/dated. Okay, background done.

The thing is, though I really like him as a friend and person, I'm not 100% sure if I like him as much as he likes me. It was something that we had talked about two weeks ago, too, but we decided to still see each other after he comes back from a trip (he'll be back this Saturday or so). We decided to take things slower though, and I thought it was a fine decision. This is where things get a little murky for me. Lately, I've been feeling pretty down because I've recently graduated uni in August but still haven't found a job, and I haven't seen much of my friends, let alone leave the house – but that's a story for another day. I'm not sure if I'm just down about my life as a whole and it's affecting how I feel about him, or if things just aren't _there_, if that makes sense. We are different in personalities but not in the sense that they clash; rather different enough that I feel like we can't have as longwinded conversations that I'm used to with friends/other guys I've dated or liked.

This part is really, really shallow and I feel pretty awful for even thinking about it…
Wile he's really, really cute and quite tall, he has a bit of a belly and bad posture. These are things that I've never had to deal with, since the guys I've dealt with in the past were either slim/thin and had decent posture. These shallow things shouldn't even matter since they _can_ be fixed, but I suppose it's kind of killing my attraction to him a little. I did sleep with him once and it was good, but the belly..

My question is, then, should I keep seeing him but just go really slow? Or should I give up and tell him? Any other suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

No. 126324

>>126316
Break up with him. Let him find someone who's actually attracted to him and views him in a romantic light. If you're not sure, then it's a no

No. 126337

>>126324
Seconding this. That seems like a ton of overcomplicated bullshit and compromising with yourself for a relationship that hasn't even begun yet anon

No. 126338

I just dumped my boyfriend after a couple years, he hasn't been good to me and is not a good man but I can't stop sobbing because I feel so alone, I dont really have any close friends and he was my person I could talk to. I just finally worked up the self respect to drop him. I feel so lonely, the future feels so lonely. Someone please pat me on the back and tell me I did the right thing.

No. 126339

>>126338
You did fucking amazing anon

If someone isn't good or good to you, cut them out like they're a catchphrase from the 90s

No. 126340

>>126339
Thank you

No. 126359

>>126316
Don't waste his time if you're not into him. Don't keep him warm either.

If you really like and respect him it's the only sensible thing to do.

No. 126360

>>126316
Don't waste his time if you're not into him. Don't keep him warm either.

If you really like and respect him it's the only sensible thing to do.

No. 126369

Has anyone dealt with or gotten over a fear of intimacy? Any good advice?

No. 126406

>>126316
Anon I was in a very very similar position to you a few months ago. I think it's best to let him go because you can't force attraction. It wouldn't be fair to you either if you're 'settling' for someone who you don't have a connection with, even if they're incredibly nice. Sometimes you meet people who seem like they should be a great match for you on paper, but then when you meet them you just don't feel anything. To be honest, I don't think you should feel bad about disliking those 'shallow' things about him because if he had other traits that you were intensely attracted to then those things probably wouldn't bother you as much (at least from my experience). Anyway, I agree with the other anons that it's best to just be up front and tell him you don't think you're ready to commit. I'm sure he'll understand. Dragging it on will only make it harder for you to end things with him.

No. 126433

>>126406
>>126360
>>126337
>>126324
Thanks anons for the response. It's just been confusing because when we first started hanging out, I felt super attracted to him so the fact that I feel this now has been a bit … inconvenient. I think I'll hang out at most once just to confirm to see if my suspicions were right.

No. 126438

I like my bf a lot and love him really deeply. Our sex life is really complicated and stressful (we both have a history of trauma) he's shy to initiate but when he does we have a good time. Also we are both creative types but he works too much to really work on projects with me anymore. I really love him and he's Husband Material in so many ways.

Before I met him I went on a couple dates with this stoner dude. Stoner dude was actually cool but at that point I was too messed up to really start anything.

Stoner dude and I have stayed friends. He moved and came back to town and he seems pretty excited to help me work on projects. I really want to hang out with him because we do click very well but the "heat" feels pretty real and I don't really know when the line is crossed into emotional cheating?

If my bf had a similar feeling about someone it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Just having chemistry with someone isn't inherently cheating but I probably wouldn't want him to tell me I'd just want him to not fuck her.

So I guess I'm deciding if I should talk to my boyfriend about it and what his boundaries are or: just hold myself to my own personal limits nothing more than a hug but we can be friends.

Or should I go full hedonist and become a cheater (jk)

No. 126439

>>126438
Ask what the boundaries are and proceed from there

No. 126441

Just venting!

I have been with my boyfriend about 7 months now. Literally everything is good, then tonight I sent him a dumb 5 second snap vid of my face just talking from an unflattering angle (I wasn't trying to look cute or anything) and he pointed out that it was an unflattering angle and that I looked manly. I know it sounds dumb to get really upset about it but I did. I didn't say anything to him. Then later on tonight I went for a run, came home and ate and he was asking why I didn't go for a shower straight after my run and why I ate first and then made a comment about that being the reason I get spots even though I very rarely exercise, eat then shower in that order. It just really upset me. I love him to bits and everything else is great but I was always fat and bullied growing up so him pointing out I'm spotty and fugly in one day kind of just hit me where it hurts and touched a nerve. I told him I was upset and his response was "sorry, I didn't realise you'd take it so seriously" which pissed me off because we have a lot of scathing jokes as a couple and generally rip into eachother jokingly a lot and both times he made those comments today they didn't come off as joky or fun at all. Rant over! He's being all apologetic now which I guess is okay. Deep down I know he didn't mean to upset me, I just wish he'd think a little before making comments like that.

No. 126443

>>126276
please leave, anon. I spent some time with a guy like that and it eventually sapped me of all energy, drive and happiness I had. I thought I loved him, thought I could fix him, pitied him, wanted to help him. Cocaine addicts and alcoholics make terrible boyfriends. Also, if he ever decides to get sober he will most likely get a lot meaner because the withdrawral from both is very rough.

No. 126445

>>126439
like ask him in general: hey what do you consider cheating or explain the circumstance? I feel like being specific might hurt his feelings?

He knows I went out with the guy and that we are friends he just doesn't know I'm currently struggling with the hots for him.

sorry I genuinely don't understand human interaction but I feel like being like "hey I wanna fuck this guy but I'm not but how long can i sniff his hair until it's weird" might be too much even though that's my lizard brain instinct

No. 126447

>>126256
samefag, i've decided to talk to him about this before breaking it off like some anons suggested, and it worked. he said he isn't good at texting and he apologized for his poor communication skills, and now our conversations are definitely a whole lot more lively.

No. 126448

>>126438
Ask him what he thinks. If he's against it, please break up with him for his sake. You can't get rid of your feelings for stoner guy. If your boyfriend wants to stay monogamous then you should leave.

No. 126453

i'm trying to figure out how to bring up the fact i might be a lesbian to my best friend.

he and i are so close and tell each other everything. we used to date but it never really went beyond making out… he's extremely attractive and lovely, we care about each other a lot but we have broke it off a couple times already because of personal issues, and couldn't focus on a relationship the same.

but now i'm starting to think maybe i've been using that as an excuse. i went through a year before finally accepting the fact i like women and i might be a lesbian, but then i met him, so i assumed i was bi.

however i think i was attracted to him because he's quite effeminate? because i can appreciate guys are handsome but when it came to do anything beyond kissing with him i just couldn't… i pinned this on past sexual trauma but now i think that maybe i'm just not attracted to men.

the last thing i want to do is lead him on, or think we have a chance of getting back together because we've broke off a couple times already. i love him so much and he's my best friend but my feelings really don't go beyond romantic. i feel bad because months ago we were doing really well and would go on cute dates and talk about our future and i don't want him to think i've been playing him this whole time. i truly care about him and see him in my distant future but not as my boyfriend.

i'm not sure how to bring this up though. i don't really want to, but if either of us are going to move on at all from each other i have to. because i don't want him to wait for me when there's no chance of us getting back together, but i do want to keep him as my best friend. we've said to each other that we can't see our lives without the other. but i worry he says it in a way that goes beyond friendship.

No. 126455

>>126453

Yep, sounds like you're gay. Just tell him and get it over with. You're making this more complicated than it really is.

No. 126500

I’m really feeling kinda guilty posting this. I’m quite tired of only talking about the same things with my bf. We’re dating for more than 3 years and the only things he expresses true interest/knowledge in are videogames and anime. Although we do have things in common in these topics, there are lots of other stuff I like that I try to talk about, but he never keeps the conversation flowing when I speak. When he’s talking, he basically lectures me in whatever is the subject (even if I’m clearly not interested in it). He can talk only about himself for a whole day. I’m not kidding.
I feel guilty saying this because he’s also very physically affectionate when we’re together, gives me some really nice gifts and always compliments me. I value all of that, but I also do like some nice conversation.
How do I speak about that with him? I’m afraid he’ll feel offended and start throwing words on my face like “I give you all of this, but it’s still not good?”. He did that more than once and it hurt my feelings to the point I got super worried whenever we ate at restaurants or bought stuff, because I was afraid he’d use that against me if we fought.

No. 126506

>>126500
He'll be offended because you're bringing up that he's immature, and the way you describe him makes it sound like he's incredibly insecure. Even if someone's main hobbies are video games and anime, they should still be able to carry on a conversation in other topics every now and then. That's so boring and juvenile.

Do you really want someone who lords gifts and favors over your head whenever you give a gentle critique about their behavior?
What if he's like this for the rest of your relationship, is it something you're willing to tolerate if he doesn't change?

No. 126528

>>126445
Yeah or that you want an open relationship for a while. If he doesn’t then you gotta make the choice

No. 126535

Help!
I'm in a casual, anonymous dom/sub relationship with a guy that I deeply care for. We'll get together and fuck once a week, and that's essentially it. I don't know his real name or anything about his personal life, but he's a great guy. I trust him, feel comfortable around him, and he has never once taken advantage of me. I don't think we'll ever progress to anything more serious, but the relationship is really important to me and I don't want to lose it. We've been doing this for almost 4 years.

While I am happy in this relationship, I would also like to have a more traditional relationship. I've temporarily ended it twice before with the guy above because I started dating other guys, but they didn't work out and I went back to him.
I also believe I'm demiromantic.
Anyway, I went on two dates with a guy and they went well. I'd be open to it progressing so I can give myself time to build that emotional connection, but I also feel it's kinda scummy to be fucking another guy on the side.
I'd love to be honest about my situation, but I could see how that would be a huge dealbreaker and I'd ruin my chances.
If this does start progressing, should I be honest about my situation?

No. 126546

>>126535
Girl, you can't "be honest about your situation". 99% of men are going to be immediately turned off when you mention your fuckbuddy. It's pretty simple, if you start dating someone seriously, you call off the FWB.

Also…it's really weird that you don't know his name or anything about him after 4 YEARS? It's highly likely that you're his side piece. And please stop using demiromantic, it's cringe and means absolutely nothing. Everyone needs time to feel romantically.

No. 126554

>>126546
Thanks anon. That's what I figured. I needed to air this out and hear it from someone else. Having the two would be too good to be true.

And yeah, I'm 99.9% sure I'm not the only one. Like I said, it's casual. We never went into this with an expectation it would be exclusive. He says his friends don't know he doms and I respect his privacy. He never offered the info, I never asked. I know enough about him where I could easily find out his identity, but what difference would it make? We share kinks and have great sex. Why complicate it.

No. 126565

bit of a weird one for this thread, maybe, but…

my boyfriend's dad died unexpectedly last week. i haven't lost a parent or anyone that close to me yet, so i was wondering if any anons have advice as to how i can help him deal with the grief? any anecdotes or small bits of advice would be very much appreciated.

No. 126575

So to be honest I was extremely horny and lonely and I came across this guy who fit the bill pretty well. I usually go for guys who are "brooding", but the problem is those guys are brooding because they hate themselves and everyone else… And sometimes they're legitimately dangerous. I don't really mind a petty crime here or there, and I like a guy who can be snarky toward authority figures, and even me…but I don't actually want them to do something bad.

I'm about a year into a relationship with him, and he's really sweet… He's the first guy to say nice things to me on Valentine's Day. I've met guys who I'd generally consider fucking hot, but he's the only one who's had that sweet, emotional component that I also want. He's awfully dutiful sometimes, so as soon as I said I prefer my guys to be on the brooding side, he said he wanted to work on it, but now I'm worried he'll go too far and my sweetheart will be gone and I'll have yet another situation like in the past.

No. 126579

>>126506
Thanks, anon. I never thought he was insecure until the day he got irritated with me because of… a videogame character. And I already had to hear him gushing about waifus and shit before but obviously didn’t fight him because of that.
About talking of other topics, whenever we’re in a group speaking about things out of his interests, he just stays on his phone, completely mute.

And no, I don’t think I can stand this forever. I’d like to hope for change, but he’s about to turn 30, if he never got interested in different stuff before, can I really expect anything now?

No. 126590

>>126565
My dad died about 4 years ago. Let him grieve and be there for him. Cook and clean for him. Listen to him and maybe bring up happy memories about his dad. He’s in a better place, not suffering anymore. (if it was an illness) Time will heal the wound and he’ll learn to manage his feelings.

No. 126591

>>126565
I suggest just being there for him and making sure he’s taking care of himself. Now I’m not saying to be a full time babysitter, but just checking in on him is good. I know everyone grieves differently, but please try not to say “They’re in a better place now” even if you mean well. It’s usually something someone doesn’t want to hear when someone they love dies. Doing activities that involve being outdoors is good too, or if he doesn’t want to go outside then you could find other ways to get his mind off things. I wish you two the best.

No. 126592

>>126591
I agree with this minus the better place depending on the illness. Knowing my dad wasn’t suffering anymore was reassuring.

No. 126596

what do i do if the things that made me attracted to my man now only serve to piss me off?

No. 126598

i'm bisexual with male leaning but want to change that

how do i make myself more attracted to women? i fucking hate dating men and everything that comes with it

No. 126600

>>126598
Don't be gay out of spite. Trust me.

No. 126604

I'm "bi" and currently in a relationship with a guy (we've been together for a good while), but the past half year I've started to really accept my attraction to women and feel like shit for wanting to explore that part of me. I've always been into girls, but religious and family shame tainted that for a long time. My guy and I get a long great in a lot of respects, but I'm scared to admit that I'm not as attracted to him anymore. Any advice, anons? Is there someone who got through something similar with their self-esteem intact?

No. 126624

>>126604
I think you've just got to decide what you really want. If you want to explore that side then don't string the bf along or try any 'open' relationship stuff, it won't end well. Think of it like seeing other attractive guys in public, you wouldn't just drop everything to try their dick.
Celebrate being Bi definitely but still see your relationship the same way, the commitment to your bf hasn't changed unless you want it too.

No. 126626

>>126596
It sounds like you’re losing feelings for him.

>>126598
As a bisexual myself, both women and men can emotionally hurt you. It’s a scary world.

No. 126627

>>126596
Maybe you guys need a break from each other? spend some time apart, like really apart (no contact) and see if you still feel the same way.

No. 126645

I have a lot of relationship issues with my bf. We've been dating for 6 years and throughout he's had poor communication with me and hasn't been affectionate. Recently I've had nightmares of him leaving me abandoned alone in a room while I cry and he never comes to get me.
For the past 4 years I've been in med school being really stressed out and depressed from constantly studying and having to do rotations. My bf just works at a grocery store. Nothing wrong with that, he has just outwardly said he avoids anything he finds stressful and has made a choice not to move forward in position at the store he's working at. He could have been an assistant manager, but turned it down because he thought it would be too hard. This has made me even more stressed out as I know I'll have a really stressful job in the future and if he becomes my future husband, he won't be able to help me take the stress load off my shoulders. Ultimately I'd be ok with his job choice if it wasn't for the way he treats me. He ignores my texts often and can't make the effort to hold a conversation with me most days. I've spoken to him about this numerous times in all sorts of ways about how it bothers me and he's changed very little. Now he sees me as an angry inaffectionate person because I'm so frustrated with him and I'm trying to make a future with us work. If we try to have a conversation about serious topics now, he will somehow switch everything around on me, assuming things that I'm thinking. When I go to correct him (very gently I may add because of how angry he gets) because im trying to tell him what I actually feel/want and how he is incorrectly assuming my feelings, he then gets really angry at me, says I am combative and he feels like he can't open up to me.
We had a major argument a few days ago and we decided to take some time apart. I was hoping he'd come back to me begging to preserve the relationship. That he loved me so much and he'd change and treat me better. I really started to miss him and couldnt hold myself back. I texted him if he thought the relationship was worth saving. He said "no". I felt myself break into pieces. I started to grovel and do everything I wish he had done. I promised I would change. I begged for him to call me and listen. He took 2 hours to return my calls and then said he'd "think about it". I'm scared now because I feel he has all the power now.
I'm desperate. this is my first relationship. I have trouble meeting people and have very few friends. this is the man I lost my virginity to. I sacrificed so much in the past 6 years for him.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I'm just really hurting.

I'm really stressed out from med school and it's done some real damage to my mental health. I don't feel like I can heal a broken mind AND heart.

What can I do?

No. 126647

>>126645
honestly this guy sounds like trash. has he always been this way or did he become too comfortable in the relationship and let his standards go with regards to texting and communication?
i mean he said it himself that he doesn’t think this relationship is worth saving so if i was you i’d break up with him. i know it sounds hard but there are better guys out there. you honestly sound too good for your current boyfriend. maybe one day he will realise what he’s lost and good luck to him finding a girlfriend as good to him as i’m assuming you’ve been to him.

No. 126652

>>126645
imagine a med school student male who treated his grocery store gf as well as you do him, despite him being awful. the entitlement is off the charts. if a male was like you, everyone would tell him, 24/7, how the sun shines out of his ass, and he'd get nothing but worship from women, while you're subjected to someone who acts like he doesn't even want you. the pickins truly are slim for women. anyways, you can do better, obviously. this guy is just mean and doesn't appear to value your relationship.

No. 126662

>>126645
Don't put yourself through that anymore… there are plenty of guys who would kill for a sweet, caring gf like you. I understand that it's hard to move on after so many years, but sometimes you just have to do that for your own sanity.

No. 126663

>>126645

I think the worst this is knowing how ashamed my mother would feel knowing that I'm like this now. I begged him to give us a chance. I look pathetic. I'm crawling back to someone that has hurt me so much and I'm begging them to not leave me. I think he's enjoying seeing me beg. He makes no effort to respond to me even now that I'm in pain waiting for him. I really feel like he's just watching me writhing in pain and just enjoying it.

When my dad and mom almost got divorced, my mom was so strong. She would never beg my father to take her back. She held herself together and never showed her children if it bothered her. She just kept on with work and taking care of us. My dad came crawling back to her and gradually stopped being a fuck head after that.

I feel so disgusted with myself. But I'm so lonely and broken already. I just want my boyfriend back, even if he may be cold and uncaring.

>>126662
>>126652
>>126647
Thank you anons for your responses. My brain seems to be screaming this kinda stuff in your responses at me but I just want to listen to my heart.

No. 126664

>>126663
For the love of god, your heart is being torn to pieces by this douchebag.
You deserve so much more. Please, stay strong, I’m sure you will meet someone so much more worthy of your affection. Even if you have trouble meeting new people now, it’ll happen eventually. There’s a lot more in life than staying stuck on a relationship with a person who’s treating you like nothing.

No. 126665

>>126645
I'm usually much more of a lurker than poster but I really feel for you. I don't want to be harsh so please don't take offense to what I'm going to say. You say you feel like he has all the power "now" but he's always had all the power. He just managed to trick you into not noticing. You mention you correct him gently because of how angry he gets, that if you try to tell him what you feel he gaslights you and then turns it into him talking about HE can't open up to you, and that he routinely just ignores you.

I've been there. It sucks. You start doing things you never thought you would because you want to get back the idea of the boyfriend you THOUGHT you had in the start. You walk on eggshells around him and that's not healthy at all. All your thoughts seem to be about what will make him happy with you or at least not unhappy with you. That's so unhealthy and you deserve so much more.

Yes, he is probably enjoying watching you in pain. I know it hurts, but it gets better and you really deserve better. Just let him go. He won't ever change and instead you'll get more and more neurotic and beaten down.

No. 126686

File: 1572900562474.jpg (4.59 KB, 212x249, e98.jpg)

>>126645
>>126663
Did this make anyone else upset in the stomach? Holshit.

No. 126700

How do you tell your boyfriend you love them? Like, without wanting to shit your pants. I’m terrified of rejection or ruining our relationship if he didn’t say it back. We’ve been together for almost six months, I’m not sure if that’s too early or not for me to say it. I sound like a child but I’m in my 20s and this is my first non-abusive/toxic relationship so knowing how healthy relationships work is kind of a slow process.

No. 126702

>>126645
He is a leech, he does not truly care about you, and he will be this way for life if you keep him around. He won't improve. This is who he is. You cannot change him. You cannot change his feelings for you.
Don't let the sunken cost fallacy crush the whole rest of your life. Imagine you never knew him and were just starting out now single with no dating experience. Is this who you would date? Or rather, okay, you've spent six years of sacrifice for this guy who is awful to you. You have sixty more years. How do you want those sixty years to look? Like this?

No. 126748

>>126700
i have no idea "how" to say it since for me it just came naturally (after just a couple of months but we had been best friends for half a year before that), but no i dont think 6 months is too early at all. im sure he feels the same way.

No. 126816

my bf picks fights about every close relationship i have. he's had problems with my closest friend since the very beginning, and any new friend i make he mocks and says i shouldnt waste my time with them. he's now starting to go after family members. i'm not even allowed to be happy about getting a new job and moving house because it'll be taking up a lot of my time and i'm moving away from him (still in the same city just more in the suburbs).

the reasons he picks fights are unreasonable too. it's usually taking something someones said and stripping it and presenting it to me, saying things like "why do you let people in your life talk to me this way?" and "i swear everyone in your life hates me". this is controlling, right? his ex said something about him being controlling to him and he just laughed it off but i think i'm beginning to see it now.

what do i do? is it salvageable? i'm at the end of my tether and said so today but he doesnt know what he's doing so just tells me i surround myself with shitty people.

No. 126823

>>126816
Nothing to save here if not your mental health by leaving him

No. 126846

>>126816
he's trying to isolate you, it's a hallmark of an abusive relationship. leave him!

No. 126852

>>126816
Please leave anon. It really sounds like he is trying to isolate you. If it works he can became a lot more abusive because you dont have anyone to talk about it and it will be harder for you to leave if you feel like you have nothing but him in your life.

No. 126854

My partner of 4.5 years whom I love so much has suddenly turned ice cold on me. Our relationship was defined by laughter and silliness and on Monday it just evaporated like the flick of a switch. I've been trying to keep it together but I had to leave work early yesterday because I had to cry. I'm in disbelief over this and I think even our cats are confused. How can he do this? We even just got back from going on an international trip of a lifetime together. I'm so lost anon…

No. 126856

>>126854
Try not to panic anon it's been four days, he might just be going through something maybe even just post-holiday depression.
Communication is best, seriously ask what's up with him in the way you normally would and explain how his behavior is worrying you without being accusatory.
If the atmosphere in the house is upsetting you then try to see friends and stay busy for the next couple of weeks to see if it passes first.

No. 126861

>>126856
Thanks anon, I've tried to communicate because I always believe in talking through this kind of stuff. He isn't opening up, which is really unusual. I think he is afraid of hurting me. You're right it's only been 4 days but the behavior and atmosphere in our home in so.. it's just so cold. I'm thinking of getting a hotel for the night because I don't want to burden my family/friends with this, at least not yet. I've already been divorced before (my relationship before this one was also about 4.5 years actually) and would be embarrassed to fail again. Thanks again for listening and your input.

No. 126885

i think my relationship is ending. we have no more intimacy anymore. even if i ask it ends up getting put off. i just feel like we've become close roommates or family, but not in an "in love" way. i'm really sad because it doesn't seem like anyone's fault. it just kind of is. it's been going like this for almost half a year now and i don't think it will stop. is there nothing i can do?

No. 126889

File: 1573169120537.png (77.92 KB, 425x292, pk.png)

>>126885
It's time to let him go
Because even when the bridges between you are burned
You will always be in each other's heart

No. 126897

>>126861
Well he finally opened up and he says he doesn't know if he wants the relationship anymore. I completely broke down (stupid but I couldn't hide it).. I started to pack up to go stay at a hotel and he told me to wait and looked very surprised. He asked me how serious I thought he was. Now he is back to playing Call of Duty. (I fucking hate that game) I should really just bolt but oh my gosh.. 4.5 years!!!! Just poof. He is my best friend too.

No. 126903

>>126897
>>126897
Doesn't seem like a very good friend or partner if his next move after telling you he doesn't want the relationship anymore is to go and play some Call of Duty.

No. 126904

>>126897
Sounds manipulative to me. Maybe he was waiting until after the trip to let you know? Breaking up is no light thing, especially a relationship that length. So there are 2 ways to think about it; either he didn't mean it and feels comfortable enough to fuck with your emotions that extremely, or he doesn't see the loss of the relationship as that big of a deal.

Personally I'd say the first option would make the relationship unsalvageable, and the second…possible if he's concerned about it and you both get therapy? I don't think he is though.

What'll you do?

No. 126916

>>126897
>>126904
Thanks so much anons, you are right. If he is comfortable with destroying me like this, and comfortable enough to hop on his computer game (with Discord buddies) right after while I'm left a crying mess.. yeah. I don't know what to do though. Part of me thinks he hasn't really thought it through, and I really want to take time off and treat myself to a nice hotel for the weekend so he understands what it would be like without me around. Problem is, I'll still have to return home and deal with seeing this new version of him. The version with blank expressions, no laughter or smiles, no silly in-jokes. It kills me to be around this because this is not him!?

Our relationship was always so silly and fun. We even developed cute little songs (and dances lol) just for each other over the years, to make each other laugh. I know we've all heard it before but yeah, I just don't understand how after all of our memories and everything we shared he can just turn 180 on us. I honestly thought we were going to be partners for life.

Also I did mention couples therapy and he was very very much against it.. couldn't really give a reason why though.

Sorry for using this as a little diary but thanks again everyone for listening!

No. 126917

>>126916
Yeah I don't get it at all. How can he just practically "die" like that?

I'd say maybe it's mental issues or something, but not wanting to do therapy is something else. How were you guys when it came to arguing? Did you work together to solve it and all that, has he expressed discontent with something huge before that went unresolved?

Is the callous behaviour entirely new or have there been instances before? It seems odd to just switch like that.

Regardless, I hope you at least get an answer out of him before breaking it off. Having things go really well just for him to flip and not be the same person sounds scarring.

No. 126950

>>126854
I've read your other posts and it seems like you are dealing with this in a really mature way. Since it was absolutely out of the blue and sudden, it doesn't sound like depression. It sounds like he's got someone else lined up, and the point he "switched" is when he got the confirmation from the other person. I'm so sorry, this must be an awful shock to see someone suddenly change personalities on you.
Sending you some e-hugs.

No. 126951

>>126917
Our arguments never lasted too long, I would like to tackle whatever problems head-on with logic. I decided to get a hotel room for tonight and tomorrow. He keeps messaging me he is sorry and asking if I'm coming home but he also says he can't change his feelings. I have a feeling I'm in for a rough ride if I have to continue living with this strange guy who is wearing a mask that looks exactly like my silly loving boyfriend of almost 5 years. The lease isn't up until March an almost everything major in our home are purchases we made together during the relationship. I know this is kind of inconsequential but officially separating is going to be a big undertaking. I'm still holding on to the hope he suddenly snaps out of this but even if he does it will be hard for me to move past this pain. Thanks again.

No. 126952

>>126950
Hugs very much appreciated. Thanks anon!

No. 126953

File: 1573267613260.gif (433.25 KB, 600x626, iu.gif)

>>126950
Samefag, we need a GIF

No. 127376

I found out my boyfriend cheated on me during the first two months of our relationship. All online stuff, mostly jerking off with random men and watching porn. He told me he loved me and continued to do this for a few weeks after he said that. Could any of you ever forgive someone for doing that? I believe he hasn't cheated since and won't ever do it again. That much I'm pretty sure of but at the same time is that really good enough? I had flat out asked him if he was seeing anyone else or if he was camming with people online and he flat out lied and said he wasn't. I feel so hurt and angry that the idea of staying seems impossible but I don't want to throw away our entire relationship. What would you do if this happened to you? I'm willing to listen to anything anyone has to offer as far as advice goes.

No. 127423

>>127376
I think you already know what sort of advice you're going to get here.

Dump him, if he would tell you he loves you while doing that it shows just how little his love means. The idea that your attention wasn't enough for his pwecious little ego even in the honeymoon phase should tell you what will happen when you have your first big fight.

No. 127434

>>127376
He'll lie about something hurtful again if it keeps him out of trouble with you and benefits himself. When a man shows you his character, believe him.

No. 127436

>>126854
I've had two relationships of a similar length suddenly end after the guy changed 'with the flip of a switch'. The first time it was a whole marriage that ended quickly and he kind of blew my mind with just how sudden and unexpected it was. Fast forward a few years and it happened again (except this guy had a new woman lined up in advance) We went from 'lets get a mortgage' to broken up two months later..

I don't know if that sudden switch is just a guy thing. Wishing you the best with whatever comes next anon

No. 127438

>>127436
>>126854
I can't believe this can just happen without any signs in advance. No one can be that good at hiding for many years, and why would someone want to for so long.

No. 127447

Can I get a normie bf if I'm on the spectrum? The only men I've been able to attract are fellow spergs. My looks are 6-8 range depending on who you ask so I don't think that's the problem.

No. 127451

>>127447
yeah but you could also get a normie passing bf who isn't a complete mess. idk if i'm on the spectrum but I have p bad adhd and other issues sort of in the same "family" and my bf seems like?? a little more together than me but is very charming and extraverted

also I'm like a solid 4 so if I can do it so can you

No. 127452

>>127447

Yes, my guy is a normie and I'm on the spectrum.

No. 127453

>>127447
My bf is autistic and I'm not. He hides it really well and none of our friends have ever guessed. People are shallow af and if you're hot and mostly have your life together I don't think it should be that much of an issue.

No. 127457

>>127447
yes, i have been diagnosed with ASD, am very normie passing, and find it incredibly easy to get male attention. the idea that all people with ASD are awkward or come of as different is so weird to me. It is not something that's identifiable, unlike what the internet with tell you.

No. 127503

File: 1573802983175.jpg (98.46 KB, 835x1200, D_h3sQ4WkAEefw3.jpg)

My LDR boyfriend just asked me if everything was okay because he feels like I don't want to talk about myself, kill me. I hate how secretive/quiet I am and how it always feels like I'm walking on eggshells when talking to people (from bad experiences with old friends). I really wish I wasn't this way around him since I know he won't judge me and that my words are safe with him, I just don't know how to get out of the habit, even for basic ass shit like how was your day. I love him so much but I'm sad that he's always the one talking because I can't fucking communicate (though he is quite talkative, I wish I could match his lengths and add on to the conversation efficiently).

No. 127515

>>127447
Do you tell guys about your diagnosis early on? I can see some people getting scared off if you share it early on and they have some fucked idea of what autism really is

I was diagnosed at 30 and nobody had ever suspected it before then, As soon as I got the diagnosis my live-in bf of 3 years yeeted out of my life cos "mental health issues can be fixed but autism can't!"..

Just be careful of people with pre-existing judgements around ASD

No. 127519

File: 1573832457690.jpeg (85.74 KB, 701x722, 1562540229288.jpeg)

I kind of really want my boyfriend to ask me to marry him, but also worry that maybe I don't want that at all and it's just something I've been conditioned to want. We've been together a couple years and I know I love him, it's mainly that I wonder if I'm just desperate to be married before 30 instead of being okay with our relationship no matter it's legal definition. Maybe I'm overthinking things as I usually do. Maybe I actually don't ever want to be married. Maybe I do and imagining I don't is a cope. I'm so goddamned confused, if that's not immediately obvious.

No. 127521

>>127519
There's nothing wrong with getting married after 30 and no one else cares if you got married in your 20s.
Getting married in your 20s does, however, increase the predictor that your marriage will end in divorce.

No. 127527

>>127515
I'd do it at the same stage in the relationship where you're disclosing sexual history, unless you are mutually sharing things of that nature earlier. If he hasn't talked about his mommy issues, any health problems of his, etc. you don't need to disclose yet. The important thing is for the opening up to be reciprocal.

No. 127539

File: 1573863824087.jpg (316.22 KB, 744x797, Screenshot_20191115-182122_Pin…)

>>127521
I was more referencing the outdated, traditional societal opinion on marrying before 30 (since I'll turn 27 next week,) than specifying that's how I feel about it. I'm not 100% sure that ANY marriage I get into will last regardless of what age it happens, tbh. It feels too easy to fuck up, so I'm scared of doing it in the first place, even though I think I want to? Idk, I'm probably rambling and not making much sense as I'm typing this "train of thought" style.

No. 127618

I noticed me and my bf don't have a lot of things to talk about, is that a serious problem or is it normal since we don't really do much we could talk about, we both mostly just sit around and work and sometimes we discuss things we could do together some day like concerts or whatever

No. 127626

>>127618
I've had both of my long term relationships end within months of noticing this. I thought we were just settled/comfortable but in reality it was a distancing that was starting to happen

Your own gut can probably tell you whether it feels comfortable or if it's something else

No. 127748

Does this sound like this guy could potentially be into me? I'm dumb with people and inexperienced.
>approached me first at uni and we became friends
>comments on my appearance regularly (but not directly about looks)
>has said an ambiguous "I like you"
>implied a few times that he has been afraid I'm not interested in him as a person
>expressed wanting to not make me uncomfortable
He's really adorable and kind of spergy himself tbh haha.
Is it safe to shoot my shot? And how without ruining a friendship? I've tried giving him the chance by calling him cute and other things, but he may not like the risk either lol.

No. 127755

Hey, never posted before so sorry if make a mistake/sorry for the length (kind of a vent more than anything)

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now (first relationship, been on dates before meeting him but nothing serious.) He’s quite a few years older than me but we have many of the same interests, he’s sweet and we get along.

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder my whole life (ARFID/at one point I started slipping into anorexia) and have persisting issues with my mental health that I’m currently taking medication for. He doesn’t know any of this; perhaps this might be a bit stereotypical, but I’m concerned he might feel a sort of stigma towards it because of his culture (he’s full blood Japanese and I’m Australian). I feel like I can’t really disclose these issues and in turn, feel like I sometimes can’t be myself. Once again, he’s extremely kind/doesn’t seem judgemental but I’ve never tested the waters.

Now as far as sex goes, I lost my virginity to him a few months back. He was considerate and I told him it was my first time so we took things slow. I’ve masturbated since I was 16, but as of two years ago, I’ve been taking antidepressants that severely lower my sex drive/make orgasming pretty hard. I don’t really enjoy sex, but it’s not like it’s ‘unpleasant’ or ‘bad’if that makes sense (he tries his best to make it pleasurable for me too)

Last night when I was sleeping (after we fucked a few hours earlier) he leant in and kissed me a few times which I half heartedly returned purely because I’m still 90% asleep. He then took to trying to finger me, I gently pushed him away a few times and he persisted. It wasn’t until I physically grabbed his hand removed it did he stop. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting but due to some shit that happened as a kid that I thought didn’t affect me, I feel kind of freaked out and don’t know if I want to stay over again this weekend.

I’ve omitted a few aspects of background info but yeah, idk whether it’s my whack mental health making me question whether I want a relationship or the fact that I’m sexually and inexperienced or what.

No. 127756

>>127755
If you like him, talk to him about it. Say no-means-no. Usually decent men will apologize or say they understand.

No. 127757

>>127755
'pushed him away a few times and he persisted'

A few times.. and he didn't get the fucking message?! I wouldn't share a bed with this guy

No. 127758

>>127748
If you like him, go for it Anon! It is always worth a shot, especially if it looks like he's spergy and actively looking for ways to make you feel good and appreciated

No. 127763

>>127757
Yeah this, you are not a toy to be played with whenever he wants. This is a very bad sign.

No. 127821

>>127758
Thank you anon, I ended up asking him to lunch at university and though he postponed (finals soon), he said he wants to do it during free time and see a movie, too.

Success, as far as I can tell.

No. 128030

Here’s the deal: I’ve been in a ldr for more than 3 years. My bf is completely comfortable with our relationship’s situation, where he doesn’t go to therapy to get help for his anxiety problems, doesn’t try to take care of his erectile dysfunction (I gave up having sex completely), doesn’t show any interest on what I like, doesn’t have a clue of how to live as an adult, you already get it.
However, he is a nice guy (as a friend) and I wish to end it in a respectful way. I’m thankful for the happy moments we shared together, but I can’t stay in this anymore. The distance is also bothering me. We spend more time separated staring at our phones than actually together, when we mostly have fun.
How do I bring this up?

No. 128032

>>128030
Just tell him exactly what you've told us, but maybe in a more personal way? He needs to know the truth.

No. 128051

im not in a relationship but i think i might be gay and im very fucking confused tbh

No. 128055

>>128032
Thanks, anon. I’m wondering if I should call him or try to meet to have the talk (he lives in another state).
It feels so weird because we haven’t been fighting or anything on the last months, but it’s just not feeling right. I have no clue of how to explain him that.

No. 128085

So what to do when a bf acts committed but is verbally the opposite?

It's tough to describe, but i can nitpick things, or I try seek improvement where possible. So we had good sex not long ago, and it happened by me just pouncing on him basically. We don't fuck that much since he has a low drive but it's the intimacy that counts. I asked if we could do something similar again later and he just completely froze up on me. No response, so I'm saying "hey you can't just react like that, it makes me feel shitty" and he kept doubling down, and i said it'll kill our sex life if he keeps acting like that because I'll just not initiate, and he's like "yeah fine", I told him that sex is important to me, and how would he feel if I withdrew whenever he asked for his preferred form of affection? "you'd have every right to do that" and just generally being SO DIFFICULT. And same for all problems if I actually try discuss it he'll "so what?" every question. And it gets worse and worse. I can't get a straight answer on anything emotionally regarding us.

But if I just go with everything, he's a model boyfriend. He'll think of me, get me small thoughtful things, care for me in any way he can and generally lovingly cater to me and be so positive. If in the moment, we'll have amazing sex and cuddle for ages afterwards, and he's clearly content, but will try put up the act that it's not that enjoyable when it suits him, and if I point this discrepancy between his actual behaviour and what he says about it, he just shrugs because he KNOWS he can't defend it.

So basically I feel like if I were to just shut up, no problems arise because he's a model bf. But if I go looking for issues/improvements, he's so stubborn that it's either a huge amount of emotional effort or impossible to resolve.

I'm asking now because I tried this out. I didn't point out anything for about 2 weeks and his affection just grew and grew. So then I recently pointed out this (small) improvement that could be made and he's suddenly a sullen teen giving me "I don't care" and one word responses.

If I wasnt dependent on him I'd probably call it. But what do you think is the lifespan on this thing, and will it do long term damage to me? Because it can really get me down when I open up and get rejected.

No. 128086

>>128085
Oh to add to this I don't mean not committed in the monogamous sense, I fully trust him that way.

It's more that when I bring up an issue he'll go completely on the defense and essentially put on the attitude of he doesn't care if some issues will end up breaking up the relationship. It's like he acts as if he's fully emotionally detached from us, full time, despite acting the opposite outwith arguments and being upset at the idea of us breaking up otherwise. And it's getting to be that I can't tell what's real. And it can feel like he says those detached things just to get out of the potential argument ASAP but it just exacerbates things every time.

A lesson I've learned from past relationships is to judge people by what they do, not what they say and now I'm like ?!?! Because I've anyways thought that being direct and always working on a relationship is the way to make it bloom but it almost feels like doing that is sabotaging it in this one. Is that sustainable?

No. 128089

>>128086
You might want to try talking to his mom or other female family members, see whether there's something in his past that can explain this or if they could put pressure on him to cut it out. A lot of times guys will bend to pressure from family members, seeing as they're less replaceable than a girlfriend.

No. 128096

>>128085
Probably has issues with intimacy, not so bad he cant enjoy it in the moment but discussing it when not in the mood just makes him think of whatever problems he had with it in the past.

No. 128105

I think I’m developing strong feelings for a guy I’m seeing, but I also can’t stop worrying about what other people will think of us.

I’ve known him and been his friend since elementary school, but we recently reconnected again and got close. I had a crush on him several times throughout school but nothing happened with it. He’s a really sweet and caring guy and I do think there’s a lot of potential there.

He’s not the most conventionally atttactive guy, but I find his personality and how he treats me very sexy and attractive. But I don’t want to be yet another girl with an “ugly” boyfriend that people make memes about. Which is a stupid and horrible thing to even worry about, and the fact that I do worry about it makes me feel like I don’t actually like him, because if I did why would I care what others think?

Am I a horrible person or am I thinking too hard?

No. 128110

So, both me and my boyfriend have mental health problems, and while I'm a lot better than I was, I still deal with the occasional depressive bout and a fair amount of anxiety. A lot of this manifests as relationship anxiety. My boyfriend deals mainly with depression, which results in him often feeling detached and apathetic. Our relationship is good and I can tell he cares but I don't always feel as super secure and loved as I would like. I know he would put in a bit more of an effort if he could and that I shouldn't be so focused one how his problems affect me, but that doesn't always stop me from feeling a bit anxious or sad about it sometimes. Same thing if he has a bad day, I'll get super anxious that he's upset with me or that there's some threat to our relationship, even if rationally I know he has bad days that have nothing to do with me. I take it personally and I know that's a really self-centered thing to do.

So I guess I'm trying to figure out how to deal with these things that do affect me and often make me anxious while being less self-focused about the whole thing. I've just started therapy again to address some of these problems and he is going to be starting as well but just looking for some tips in the meanwhile.

No. 128115

>>128110
anon I'm sure that you're looking for concrete advice and this is a difficult time but I think it's wonderful that you've both acknowledged that this is a problem and are seeking help. I don't have any great ideas to help in the meantime but congrats on having what seems to be a healthy relationship! Even if the next few weeks or so are rough please take solace in that fact that both of you really seem to care

No. 128116

>>128105
Memes aren't real life. Look around you, how many of your friends and family have truly attractive husbands and boyfriends? I bet it is very few if any at all

No one will make fun of you, especially if he treats you well and doesn't cheat.

No. 128117

I keep getting into situations where I find a person decent, they ask me out, and I keep going on dates with them because I don't find anything bad about them. But, I don't really feel attracted to them either. I don't mind being exclusive with them either, bc I tend to not be very interested in dating around and juggling multiple people. Like I will literally just date whoever wants to date me, so long as I don't immediately hate being around them and find something interesting about them.

I'm in such a situation now with my current gf, and… I should break up with her, huh? I've never just said fuck it and committed to a person for years, maybe I could just do that? I feel like that would be cruel though. Should I just be honest?

No. 128133

>>128115

Thank you anon that really means a lot to hear!

No. 128137

Ultimately I know I need to talk to my bf, but I feel like I need to vent this. My bf is pretty great; we're emotionally connected, he cares about my problems and want to listen to me talk about my interests. we have great conversations etc. it's fly. he's in a sort of limbo at the moment (he wants to study but can't at the moment, so he's sort of working instead, but not really), and he has a few issued in his life here and there. nothing major that he can't fix himself, and he constantly talks about those things and what he's going to do to better himself (eating healthier, getting a better sleep schedule, not waste money on expensive shit he can't afford and doesn't need, work more etc). Like, basic things you have to do to live an organized life. And he has all the time in the world to invest into fixing those things. problem is, he doesn't do shit to fix them. We can have a long conversation about food and a healthier diet and he'll talk for hours about what he'll eat etc, then the next day he'll be sitting in the coach, eating a frozen pizza. Or hell text me back at two in the afternoon, when he wakes up. or hell tell me that his work wanted him to do a shift and he made up an excuse. OR him getting a brand new laptop when he already has one that works.
I´ve supported him emotionally for months now, and I´m getting fed up listening to him talk about change when he has proven time and time again that he doesn't do any of the things he says he'll do. I don't care how he lives his life, I just don't want to listen to him talk literal shit. And when I do confront him and tell him that, well "I know you feel bad bc you're broke right now, maybe you shouldn't have bought that new laptop" he gets pissy at me. I´m actually not sure he'll see things my way if I bring this up, but I´m going to have to soon because this is a problem

No. 128156

>>128137
Bad work ethic and poor money management skills are life ruining flaws for both him and his partner, don't coddle him when it comes to that or it will fuck you over too.

No. 128162

>>128156
Thank you, I needed to hear that

No. 128224

I really want to start talking to this guy from college but I really don't even know how to send the first message. I've dated numerous people before so obviously I don't have much of a problem with dating in general, but all throughout high school (I'm a freshie in college now) I either was asked out or let the person know I was interested in a really roundabout way (ie through friends hinting at them to talk to me) as a way to kind of manipulate the situation so that I wouldn't get rejected outright/directly as I have a major fear of rejection. I can't use that method anymore, though, as I'm now an adult and I need to man up and just go for it.

However, I can't even bring myself to message him directly for fear of saying something dumb or immediately getting left on read. We've talked before irl (and we matched on bumble before we really knew each other- this situation has a lot of backstory I won't get into right now) and he does seem at least somewhat interested in me, but I don't want to look like a fool if I'm reading things all wrong. This was mainly a vent post, but if any anons have any advice just lay it on me!

No. 128228

>>128224
All you can do is take the chance, anon.
My suggestion is to ask him on an ambiguously platonic date and scope him out from there. If you feel flirtiness and chemistry, just bluntly admit your feelings.

Overcome that fear of rejection. It's so freeing, believe me.

No. 128261

>>128137
He doesn't want to change but he gets enough gratification from talking about changing. Plus he thinks talking about changing means you'll get off his back for a while.
Been in your situation anon. I fully sympathise with guys who are in limbo but that doesn't mean I can fix them. Honestly you just have to let him be a loser on his own. Plenty of guys out there who'll listen to your feelings.

No. 128262

>>128224
The way I got over myself in situations like this is when I started asking a lot of people out and not really giving a fuck what they said. Honestly however much you're building this up in your head, he's still just a guy and there are so many of them out there.
'So we matched on bumble a while ago but we still haven't been to get coffee yet, when are you free?'

No. 128263

>>128105
I got weird looking boyfriend! He's very charming so I like to introduce him to everyone. Best sex ever. Having an ugly boyfriend doesn't mean you have bad taste.

No. 128295

What's the deal with a guy who likes meeting and talks a lot in person, but is very curt and brief over text?
Face-to-face we could talk for hours and he's friendly with me, but when I message him he's just very blunt and doesn't always seem eager to chat.

I'm pretty sure he's not in a relationship (I've met his friends) and he is ESL for reference.

It just bugs me since we can't meet up often but I still want to talk with him.

No. 128296

>>128295
Maybe he's not a texting sort of person? Ask him if he would prefer calling. After that I would back off a little. I'm proactive like you and I love initiating and going for what I want, but sometimes you have to step back and see if they actually initiate shit. When you're the only one initiating and putting in effort you can't tell if they would actually step up and do the work as well. This is huge imo. He needs to put in the effort for you too.

No. 128298

>>128296
He has actually initiated quite a bit, he talked to me first, always wants to hang out if we're in the same vicinity at the same time, and has asked me out on a date.

It's just the messaging. You may be right, since I noticed he also doesn't message people when we're spending time together.

No. 128303

>>128298
Eh I don't wanna be a downer but talking to you first, hanging out if he happens to be nearby, and asking you out on one date is the bare minimum. I'm just mentioning this bc you already want to talk to him more and he seems ok keeping his distance mostly. If he wanted to talk to you more he would call you if texting isn't his thing. Just saying you should be at least getting back what you're giving to him, if not more.

I dunno how long you've known each other but he seems kinda lazy.

No. 128311

>>128303
Nah, you're right. He may not really be worth it tbh, we've only known each other a few months so it's no big loss.
It's probably not a good sign if I have friends who are more excited to talk to me than him. I'll let it fizzle out and not escalate further. It's no good if this is going to be a constant struggle.

I was just being hopeful since he's so cute haha.

No. 128323

>>128311
Since he is ESL he might be embarrassed about his written English. However if text communication is important to you and he can't do that it'll always be frustrating.

No. 128325

Does anyone else have a bf who plays video games for hours (like 4+ hrs) instead of talking to them? i hate my life haha

No. 128330

>>128325
I mean yeah but he also is a person objective of me so if that's what he wants to do it's whatever.
I'll go watch YouTube for 4 hours or have fun by myself. If he's not willing to talk to you after 4 hours or spend quality time with you instead of the video game then that's a problem you need to talk to him about. For example, if I wanna watch a film and he's gaming I'll ask and he'll finish up a mission and come watch it. If you think your boyfriend will react differently to that then it's not great.

No. 128331

>>128325
Same anon as above but is there no way you can sit with him and watch and talk or take turns? Or do something you enjoy next to him / in the same room whilst he games?

No. 128341

My boyfriend never fucks me. I think it’s partially because of his meds or because he used to be a coke addict. It’s driving me nuts I want some dick. I’ll always be patient w him but fuck. He only gets off eating my ass. Is he gay?

No. 128343

>>128341
You need to talk to him about it otherwise it'll never change and he'll ignore it forever probably from embarrassment. You need to have a good honest conversation. Maybe ask if he could use sex toys on you or something? if your not happy with your sex life and it won't change and he won't accommodate you then you need to reconsider if the relationship is what you really want.

No. 128344

>>128341
Talk to him. Maybe he doesn't like PIV that much, I know some men don't. Maybe his sex drive is reactive. Maybe he's low libido. Does he not want to eat your pussy or touch you down there?

No. 128345

I have really low self esteem and am sensitive about being overweight. My boyfriend keeps saying he likes my body, then he will show me a picture of someone who is quite fat like easily 50 lbs heavier than me saying I look like them. I got upset and he got so mad at me telling me I'm a bitch who hates fat people because I'm offended that he keeps comparing me to people who are bigger than me. Told me I'm a psycho and that I'm a dumb bitch. I used to have an eating disorder for more than 15 years, being told I look bigger than I am is incredibly upsetting to me but I keep being told I'm a bitch. Am I being the bitch? He's showing me women that are morbidly obese and saying I look like them because we will have similar body parts like fat thighs or big boobs but the ones he shows always have big guts which I don't think I have. He's acting so angry that I think it's offensive. Am I being the weird bitch? Would that upset anyone else? I am fat but not like that. I can't tell if I'm having weird eating disorder problems or if he's an asshole.

No. 128346

>>128341
Asshole obsession sure is becoming more common with guys, and it's gross to see just how obsessional they get with it

Tell him eating your ass won't make you cum

No. 128348

>>128345
> Told me I'm a psycho and that I'm a dumb bitch

Wouldn't tolerate him at all after that. Are you really going to stay with a guy who calls you a dumb bitch?

No. 128349

>>128330
You’re completely right anon. He can do whatever he wants with his free time and I wouldn’t want to be controlling of that. I was in a shitty mood when I typed that since he had just gotten back from a 2 week trip where we had barely been able to talk and he was playing vidya for so long. But later in the night he hung out with me for a few hours and I felt better.

No. 128356

File: 1575226106535.png (217.54 KB, 600x600, 7065_0zb5A86k.png)

so i went on a break with my boyfriend of over a year because i learned he was lying about some really weird shit.

i still don't know the whole truth, but he lied and said he had a roommate when he lived alone (essentially to keep me from coming over), never let me meet his friends, never told his parents about me… and the icing on the cake is i think he was still in a relationship (with someone he didnt like) when he started dating me.

what a fucking mess. idk what to do because he's a really nice guy, but he's lovebombing me with letters and gifts and hanging out with his friends after i called him out. do i give him a chance??? do i escape??? help???

No. 128357

>>128356
Leave, don't play stupid games with this fool.

No. 128359

>>128356
my ex was doing similar shady stuff too, would disappear then lie about where he went, get mad when I question or think it's shady when he says stuff like "don't worry about it", not allow me to contact him on any other networks despite his frequent disappearing, got mad when I told others about our relationship and made dumb excuses and gave me the childish silent treatment and how "he lost all possible trust in me" because I told a friend we were in a relationship


I finally cut him off and found someone else, still trying to repair years of self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, and just straight emotional abuse and manipulation

My advice is to just cut him off completely and save your time, effort and emotion for emotionally unavailable, manipulative men who don't care to be with you. your self esteem will thank you.

No. 128364

>>128356
So he used you for sex?
Leave lmao

No. 128370

>>128356
Sounds like you were the side piece. Honestly not to be a dick but you probably weren’t in a relationship with him if everyone important in his life had never met you and you yourself think he was dating someone else when he was supposedly “with you” find someone else who will be proud to actually be with you and not play silly games.

No. 128372

>>128356
yeah I think you arent the only one he's seeing…..

No. 128373

>>128356
If you're a secret then you're not exclusive. Escape.

No. 128389

>>128261

>you just have to let him be a loser on his own

that's exactly what I´m thinking too, I´m not comfortable and honestly too proud to mother him. my main problem are my very conflicting feelings regarding this situation. thank you for the advice, anon

No. 128390

>>128325
i do, and usually I´ll just boot up my computer to game as well if that's what he's doing. but I´ll get pretty annoyed if I´ve come over to his house (we live like an hour apart and it can be a hassle to make the trip some days) and he spends hours without talking to me. It has happened that I´ve just said "I´m going home, see you" and then a hour later he calls and asks me where I am.

No. 128391

>>128356
absolutely not worth it, anon. If I were you I would stay out now that you're out and move on. those are massive red flags and he won't change for the better over night. if you go back things will be the same and you will work your ass of trying to help him/excuse him/change him and it will be in vain. You´re not supposed to be treated that way, cut him off. The gifts and messages he sends you are not for you, but for him to make himself feel better.

No. 128423

>>128345
>telling me I'm a bitch
>Told me I'm a psycho and that I'm a dumb bitch
>I have really low self esteem
uh yeah no duh. Your boyfriend is horrible.

>I can't tell if I'm having weird eating disorder problems or if he's an asshole

I mean it's both, you're not recovered from your disordered eating AND he's an awful person who's making it worse. It sounds like he likes your body because he has a fat fetish, not because he likes you. That's why he compares you to bigger women (who he finds attractive) and gets mad when you don't like it.
Love yourself and get out of there.

No. 128429

>>128085
Give him time to warm up and feel safe. It helps to make plans to just cuddle instead of having sex. It'll probably lead to sex a good amount of the time, but by not setting it as an expectation, it could be more comfortable for him. I was the partner who froze up initially with my boyfriend. He was patient and loving and always respectful of my boundaries and now we can talk about anything without any issues. He has some hangups about talking about sex and it's not about you at all, so try not to take it personally (easier said than done) and be open to it when he does start feeling more comfortable discussing the topic. See if this helps or if the issue is more than just the discussion aspect.

>>128105
You're thinking too hard. Don't worry about it. People will see how he treats you and it'll be obvious you are both very fortunate to have such a great partner.

>>128345
Weird that he keeps comparing you to other people after you said you don't like that. Tell him to knock it off. Also, he's gaslighting you.

>>128356
There's no future with him from what you've written here. Drop that dead weight and spend time on yourself. If you want to later, you can fin a man who is thrilled to bring you around and introduce you to everyone. "Nice guys" who don't actually treat you like someone important to them aren't really all that nice.

>>128295
Mine has always been text-averse. It's great, honestly, because he's not dicking around on his phone when we spend time together. We talk with online chat and when we were still getting to know one another we'd have long email exchanges (we met irl before emailing back and forth and were never long distance) which I enjoyed more than a constant back and forth of short texts. Ask if he'd rather do emails, phone calls, or online chat.

>>128341
You should talk to him about it in a non-accusatory way. Be honest about your feelings and be open to doing things differently. It could be you are both trying to initiate and missing the signals.

No. 128446

My bf and I love each other immensely, but he has a very low sex drive. I have a low sex drive too, but we're talking maybe twice a month he wants to have sex and it's becoming less and less frequent.

This morning I got particularly frustrated because we hadn't had sex in 2 weeks. We were getting into it and he just gave up and told me 'the moment passed' because it took me all of 30 seconds to find the baby oil. He's so fucking impatient. I love him with all my heart and couldn't imagine life without him but this is so ridiculous he's so fucking impatient. Now I'll have to wait a whole 2 weeks before I can try again.

I should also add that he had no problem with fucking significantly less attractive women while we were split up.

No. 128451

>>128446
>Now I'll have to wait a whole 2 weeks before I can try again.
Why would you need to wait another two weeks before you can even try again? Try again tonight of tomorrow or maybe this weekend if he's more open on weekend.
>I should also add that he had no problem with fucking significantly less attractive women while we were split up.
Honestly I wouldn't bother staying with him.

No. 128466

>>128446
Are you familiar with the reddit r/deadbedrooms ?

No. 128470

File: 1575401504777.jpg (56.12 KB, 563x545, 1562263696145.jpg)

My boyfriend wants to start taking xanax (he is buying it from his friend) because he has severe problems with falling asleep. His neighbours have lots of incredibly noisy dogs and walls of his apartment are thin, so he is always able to hear them. Those dogs bark all the time because there are so many of them, they sometimes shut up for a few hours in the early morning, but that's it.
Because of the noise he is only able to sleep for a couple of hours a day (3-4 hours). I've heard xanax is addicting, so I don't want him to start taking it, but I have no idea what else he could do. Pls help.

No. 128471

>>128470
Why doesn't he just get earplugs and melatonin?

I've had to take xanax for years for my panic disorder without getting hooked, but it's really harmful for you regardless. There's a high and a crash like with caffeine, except xanax makes you really relaxed and then pushes you into this weird depressive state.

No. 128473

>>128471
He is taking melationin already and he can't wear earplugs (I don't know why, he just can't). He is able to sleep just fine when the dogs aren't barking.
Thank you for sharing your experience anon, I'm glad you didn't get addicted.

No. 128474

>>128473
why don't you guys call the police about the dogs? disturbing the peace is a legit thing, and the dogs are probably not being well taken care of on top of that.

No. 128475

>>128471
second this

nta but >>128474
melatonine promotes sleep but it doesn't exactly knock you out when you can't sleep of outside sources.

No. 128476

>>128475
oops swap the >>'s lol

No. 128477

>>128474
He's already done that, and so did other neighbours, but nothing has came out of it. He also has tried talking to the dog owners, making formal complaints, etc. Nothing worked.
They have like 6 or 7 dogs and they are all very loud. When I visit him I can't stand being in his apartment because of the barking, I can't imagine having to endure this noise all the time. But I am still afraid that he might get addicted/depressed because of xanax.

No. 128553

Am I the asshole if my boyfriend has been repeatedly emotionally abusive and made me cry and hasn't ever been sorry, then I write him a letter explaining how hurtful this is (the last straw being I called him to emotionally support him and he threw it in my face, screamed at me and accused me of seeming off after he'd been really rude to me when I was just sat listening but apparently "wasn't being warm enough") and his response is that he's crying his eyes out and that he needs me and that he won't make it if I ignore him?

I spend hours trying to help him just to get it thrown in my face and now I'm being made to feel responsible if he kills himself over the fact that I said I wouldn't let him take me for granted anymore and the fact that his guilt trips aren't working

To add, he regularly guilt trips me and if you try to tell him you're hurt he'll just say he's hurting more or he'll justify being inconsiderate towards you because he's "such a worrier and just can't help it"

Am I harsh? He told me I made him cry so hard his nose started bleeding when what I did was get belittled on the phone for two hours and cry my eyes out and write to him that I didn't have to be a doormat anymore and that it wasn't healthy or right. Is it bad I think the guilt trips are controlling and a red flag?

No. 128557

>>128553
why do you retards stay with people like this? we get it, you guys have an apartment, and a cat, and he's the "best boyfriend ever!" but grow a spine and fuck off.

No. 128560

>>128553
Of course it isn’t bad to care for your own mental health. Please leave this dude for your own good and tell him to seek therapy.

No. 128568

>>128553
The guilt trips and controlling aren't just a red flag, they are what red flags warn you about. You're not doing him any favors by staying with him and letting him continue this shit.

No. 128571

i'm having an awful time with this and need some advice

i've never been ghosted before. it's always me doing the 'ghosting' because i generally feel discomforted after a date that isn't necessarily up to par. that's not to say i have absurd standards, i just prefer not to date a guy who talks over me, treats me badly, etc. you know. general people stuff.

i recently went on a date with a guy i really, really like. we met months ago after he saw me at work and we have super good chemistry. we'd been texting everyday on and off through work and he was pretty proactive about getting ahold of me. we scheduled the date for sunday and went. he and i got on so well and he voiced how excited he was for our next date on thursday. he was lovey, touchy, and really seemed to be genuinely into me.

however, he started a new job monday. i left him be for the most part, merely hoping he had a good day. he responded twice before completely disappearing after saying 'i totally forgor to text you back'. ouch? i have texted him a few times between then and now and haven't recieved a response. he's watched my snap stories so i know he's on his phone. it's thursday morning now and i have no clue if the date is even happening bc he hasn't responded to me asking if it is on snapchat nor opened it which i did on purpose to make sure i'd see if he looked.

i'm hurt, distressed, and i'm looking for advice bc half of my friends say 'give him a break, he started a new job' and the other side says 'he's an asshole and it takes 5 seconds to say 'i'm busy' instead of going MIA'

normally a guy who ghosts you will remove you off of everything but?? he hasn't?? i don't know. what do you guys think?

No. 128572

>>128571
When messaging doesn’t work, try calling him.
Maybe he does that because he wants to have a proper conversation with you instead of some quick messages (I kinda do that sometimes)? I guess he might be a bit overwhelmed with the job, but speak about it when you two meet. Express that you don’t like to be left without answers and stuff.
Anyways, communication is the basis of relationships, the best thing to do is talk about it asap before it turns into a problem.

No. 128574

>>128345
I'm trying to understand this anon's boyfriend's end game. Is he a fat fetishist, and is that why he's gaslighting and verbally abusing anon into thinking she looks 600 pounds and screeches at her for hating fatties cause she says she don't look that bad?

What a strange story. Also where can I find these dudes who don't give a fuck about weight? Lmao

No. 128579

>>128571
Sorry for the harsh truth anon but if a guy wants you, he will make time for you. Chances are he liked you well enough but got a better offer at some point.

My advice is to preserve your dignity and don't initiate contact again.

No. 128593

What do anons think is a normal amount of time for a couple to be together before becoming engaged? I know it's different for everyone, but is there a point where you would think it's been too long and you give up on the person? (I know a lot of people are perfectly happy living their lives out never being married, I'm just asking because I'm curious how long others have waited or how fast it happened.)

No. 128601

>>128593
How old are both of you? Do you live together? Do you want children? These are all factors.

No. 128602

>>128593
I've noticed a pattern in my own relationships where after 3 years of living together things go bad and I see a side of them that I didn't know before. So purely based on personal experience I wouldn't get engaged sooner than three years living together

It's hard to say in general but the longer you live together the better chance you have, going through experiences like family deaths, moving house or losing jobs can show you new sides to people which helps you judge long term compatibility

No. 128606

>>128602
>family deaths, moving house or losing jobs
This. It's one thing to go through all the happy times together, but you also have to see how they handle the bad times. Do they take it out on you? Do they neglect you instead of working together?
There have been a couple of times where I thought I moved in with someone who I thought was compatible only to find out they couldn't talk about problems without blaming me or someone else, or they would stonewall me completely without communicating. Both of them didn't want to work on these problems and let things get worse until I eventually left…
So yeah, the earlier you go through hard times together and see how they react, the better

No. 128613

I've been having incredibly specific and 100% irrational paranoias about my relationship because it seems too good to be true. Most of them are rooted in nonsense because we've been together nearly every single day for a year and haven't encountered any red flags or disagreements.

The only problem is that we both have these irrational fears and regularly have stress breakdowns in front of each other where we admit we've been feeling this way. Alternatively, one of us will try to conceal the worrying and end up seeming upset or distant because of it. We came to the conclusion that we both feel undeserving of one another and like we're being set up to be punished, which I know is completely ridiculous.

How can we stop being insane crybabies and get over this? We both had very emotionally straining/abusive relationships prior to this (his ex would even self harm/cut in front of him and scream insults at him) so I worry that neither of us is equipped to help the other recover from it.

No. 128615

>>128613
have you thought about trying couple therapy? sounds like it might be the answer for you since it's not you guys' fault. if you can afford it, i say go for it. it'd be really sad to lose each other because of this.

No. 128616

>>128613
This is so ridiculous. You both have the same issues so you should be able to know what the other is feeling. You both will have to talk more and ask each other what will help the other feel safe and secure.

No. 128636

My boyfriend of 4.5 years is my best friend and I am definitely in love with him, but I’m not attracted to him at all anymore. We have sex maybe every 2 months or so. I feel like I’m just living with my best friend who I kiss hello and goodbye. I never lusted over him uncontrollably or anything, but we had a good sex life. It’s been like this for a year and a half or so now. Idk what to do, but I know I’m not content like this.
i used to be a cam girl, he did videos with me and I think this affected how I view sex with him. I’m a radical feminist now so and left the industry 2 years ago so please no bully is there any hope or are we just doomed to have an essentially dead bedroom while I dream of fucking other men and women literally all the time

No. 128637

>>128636
Also, we tried breaking up over the summer. It lasted 2 months, but we both felt miserable the entire time. But we were still living together so, yeah. Not really effective. I feel like we’re sole mates in every way possible except sexually. And opening the relationship is not an option.

No. 128640

File: 1575607344977.png (9.58 KB, 191x225, 14704341.png)

My bf informed me that he slept with a prostitute in the past. He told me that it was only one prostitute and has told me most of the partners he slept with (3/4). We will be getting tested over the next week for STI/STDs. This is a new relationship as we have been together for a little more than a month.

I brushed the subject off because I am not sure when will be the appropriate time to ask him about his previous partners. I am a bit happy as he trusts me enough to even confess this to me as he could have lied or never say it all. Would it be intrusive to ask him to give me full details on his past sexual partners? Are there any other questions I should ask him regarding the subject?

Sorry if I do not know a thing, he is my first bf.

No. 128641

>>128640
>fucked a prostitute
>first bf

nope! not to be radfem or anything but a man willing to pay a woman for sex?? first bf?? no

No. 128644

>>128636
Are both of you staunchly opposed to opening the relationship? I'm in a similar predicament but being open helps us both a lot. The love is there, but if it's a hard no then find good sex elsewhere on the down low. Controversial advice but yolo.

No. 128647

>>128640
Save yourself from having this shitty first relationship. He deep down has certain views towards women if he's able to pay prostitutes. He'll be nice now and after a while of dating and fucking this guy those views will slowly start showing.

We're all way too naive in our first relationships and guys will take advantage of that. Don't fuck this guy. You'll forever have the memory of dating prostitute-guy. You can do mental gymnastics to make believe that's ok but it's not

No. 128650

>>128636
Have you read the r/deadbedrooms subreddit? The amount of resentment that builds in these situations is scary, and sex every two months is pretty dead for what I assume is a non-married childless and youngish couple?

I've been there too and two years into the issue my husband left. Looking back I thank him for pulling the plug on our 'friendship still masquerading as a relationship' I thought after five years together that I had to just hang in there and keep trying (sunk cost fallacy)

There's a noticable pattern on r/deadbedrooms where people feel locked in by mortgages, marriages and kids and they wish they'd left early in the relationship. The Dead bedroom appears within the first few years of dating and people hang on for many more years like a miracle is going to return the spark. In your relationship you mention that it's not even an issue of low libido but an attraction issue so that's personal to him. It might be painful now but you both deserve full relationships with some passion.

No. 128652

>>128650
I’m going through something very similar. Do you anons have any advice on how to bring the subject of lack of physical attraction up? I tried reading through the reddit but found more problems than the actual solutions. How did your husband break up the relationship?

No. 128654

>>128652
Yeah the Reddit is mostly bitter and resentful posts rather than productive posts but I guess it's a reflection of what staying in sexless relationships will do. Very few long term posters ever report much improvement

With me, I came home one day and my husband had just left with all his stuff. I thought he was the most understanding person when it came to my low interest in sex but in reality he was silently struggling and wanting out. Looking back it was never going to improve. Unless you are two asexual people you need mutual attraction and it's either there or it's not

No. 128697

>>128654
Definetely not a great manner to end a relationship. I’m sorry for what you went through, anon.

I already had “the talk” about sex with my bf several times. All of them ended with him crying and lamenting about literally any other problem in his life that had nothing to do with sex. And I, the fool, always gave him a pass for derailing the conversation because I felt sorry for him.
But now, I notice this pattern where he never owns the problem and goes to fix it. First he said the problem was his weight, but never did the right exercises at gym (he would only focus on arms or legs) or kept a diet. After that, it became “low t” and I had to beg him to seek medical treatments that he didn’t continue because he THOUGHT they weren’t working and never went back to any doctor. Whenever I asked him if he wasn’t interested in sex at all, he would answer like “oh, I am, I really want to have a pleasurable sex life with you” but it was just empty words. With all the stress that came with trying to have sex, I just feel like I lost all the attraction to him. I feel so stupid for letting all of this happen.
Sorry for the ranting.

No. 128700

>>128697
What you're describing is how it usually goes, the same talk over and over again with no results. Sex becomes such a stressful subject that even the partner with the high libido starts to lose attraction. From everything I've read about others dealing with this it just repeats for years if you stick with it. A big talk, small effort to fix it and no results

No. 128735

>>122983
I feel like I may have posted This in the wrong thread but I’m not sure as it’s not a relationship


I really like my housemate and I think maybe? He likes me a bit or at least attracted to me but I’m shy af. I’ve been actively avoiding him most of the time since I moved in and it takes everything just to make eye contact. Sometimes we watch tv together with the others or talk briefly around the house but that’s it. He’s been more friendly recently since he and another HM told us that they’re moving out. What do I do?

How do I at least become comfortable around him? We actually have more than Enough shared interests and stuff in common.

No. 128752

any advice on how i can bring it up to my bf of 3 years if i can sleep with women too? we're monogamous but i'm honestly only sexually into women right now it's annoying but i feel like i should be open about it

No. 128754

>>128752
He's probably a cuck anyway if you're not sleeping together. Just bring random women home and go at it. Even if he has objections, he won't voice them.

No. 128756

I have been dating someone I don't love and I need advice on how to break up without causing more unnecessary pain, she's deeply in love with me and has talked me out of all my attempts to break up (I am not a scrote). I get myself into situations of dating people who I have no attraction nor feeling for, god only knows why.

No. 128758

>>128756
>god only knows why.
Sounds like it's because you lack the ability to establish boundaries or stand up for yourself. Like… a break up is not a two way street. You don't need her consent, it doesn't need to be mutually agreed upon, you just dump her and if she won't accept your choice then she deserves to get told off and ghosted for being a manipulative asshole.

No. 128769

hello ladies

about a month ago i got with the woman i've had feelings for for over a year, and everything is going great except for one thing. we were having sex last night and she flat out said "i don't want to go down on you". i asked why and she said she just "doesn't want to". this is her first relationship with another woman (mine too actually, and this was just after i had performed oral for the first time) but she says it isn't a case of nerves, she just doesn't want to… ever. i feel pretty let down. she will use her fingers but frankly that isn't enough to get me off. what do i do? i don't want to pressure her into anything but i'd really like to experience oral, even just once. i'm beginning to doubt whether she is sexually attracted to me all that much. she is bisexual and the whole "bi girls are pillow princesses who will leave you for a man" stereotype is freaking me out. i don't know. should i talk to her about this or just give her time? i know we haven't been together very long and i wouldn't mind waiting for her to feel ready.

No. 128770

>>128769
Ask her if she's ever planning to even try it, if not dump her to save yourself some time. Her being bi also has nothing to do with her being lazy.

No. 128774

>>128770
it's just that i really like her and it's going so perfectly otherwise that i couldn't bear to break up over something that feels so petty. she expressed feeling guilty over not wanting to do it but after i reassured her i didn't want to pressure her etc etc she seemed perfectly content to just lie back and let me do all the work. it's not a dealbreaker but it is pretty frustrating she won't even tell me why

No. 128777

>>128774
She isn't attracted to women

No. 128784

>>128769
You seem sexually incompatible. If receiving oral is something you want to experience, and she has no interest in performing it willingly, then you will not have a fulfilling sex life.

Let's say you tell her that you don't mind waiting for her to "feel ready" to go down on you. She knows she will never want to willingly give oral and now she is stuck in this situation where every time you have sex she knows that you are wondering "is this the day it happens?"
Meanwhile the feeling of guilt builds up in her because she knows she lets you down every time. It is not healthy for either of you. I recommend that you think about how important oral is, and how important she is. You have to pick one without the "whenever you feel ready."

No. 128807

This is gonna be a long ass sperg but my spouse and I are becoming financially comfortable enough where it's possible to start having a family. However, there's so many things I wanna do beforehand and there's so many feelings I have about having a baby.
For years, I've feared the feeling of having something grow inside me. I have slight health anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder and any "abnormal" sensation puts my body's protection mode (fight or flight) into overdrive. I've been working on it for the past 6 years, was anxiety free for 2 until I had a big setback last year. On top of this I have trauma from being neglected by my parents. I sometimes feel like I'm not mature enough for a child, I still feel like I haven't done a lot of things I wanted to do as a child.
Another thing, my mom was told she was infertile before she had me, both of us have PCOS. I feel like even when I do get over my fear and become ready to have a child, I may not physically be able to. I have a friend who suffers from infertility as well. She recently had a miscarriage and it was so saddening to see her go through this. She's got mental health issues like me so I can't imagine how she's been feeling these past few days.
I know this is something we're not going to deal with in a serious manner for at least a year, he was mainly bringing it up because his sister is due any day now and his brother just had a child a few months ago as well, both are older.
And it's not just his side of the family, I have a half sister and half brother who both have children of their own, I'm not too close to either, I just met my brother a few weeks ago and my sister I met two years ago but it's still a "push".
I honestly love being with children and they love being around me as well, so my fear of having a child of my own confuses me. Majority of my younger cousins always ask to hang out with me. even my spouses eight year old niece begs for me to spend time with her whenever I visit, last time we visited it was basically just her and I sitting on the living room floor playing Jenga and messing with games on my phone while my spouse, his mom, and sister sat at the dining room table. All the other adults know I'm the one the children love to spend time with and it's mainly because I have hobbies children would normally like; drawing, video games. I'm also technically considered straight edge due to bad experiences I had in my early 20s, which is a source of my PTSD.
I just turned 27 and I know I'm still young and for what I've gone through, I deserve the time I have to better myself mentally. I know in a couple weeks I'm going to explain my worries and what priorities I feel I want to accomplish first before a child comes into the picture. Most importantly, us at least getting engaged before we make the choice. It's a big deal for me and my spouse obviously agrees, we talk about how a child is not something to have when you're bored or a relationship fixer, both of us growing up poor and just now starting to get out of that poverty line we're looking at this critically. I know we'll be smart about it, but he kind of put me on the spot earlier asking me when can we. I think it was more of an insecure question and feeling the pressure from his family and friends.

No. 128810

>>128774
She's not attracted to women, she just doesn't care who is doing things to her as long as she doesn't have to reciprocate.

No. 128811

>>128807
It sounds like you both have good heads on your shoulders, with the ability to consider the consequences in the long term and delay gratification. I'd say you should talk openly and honestly with him about your concerns. Think about what contingencies you would like to plan for before having a child and make a plan together to take care of those things. It helps to have some objectives to focus on.

No. 128832

>>128636
what >>128650 said basically. same thing happened to me, i loved him with all my heart but i didn't want to fuck him anymore. i don't want to just blame him, i had my whole heap of issues, but he wasn't exactly good at sex either.

i'd say just open up to him. because while you deserve a fulfilling sex life, he also deserves someone who actually wants to have sex with him. it's a really hard situation, you have to accept you're going to hurt him and live with that. it took me almost a year to finally accept it. maybe way down the line you guys will reconnect and stay friends. maybe not. don't trap yourself in this situation.

No. 128833

>>128640
get tested, definitely and be cautious about your bf. but i'm not with the anons that say dump him. he might have done that, but he might have also grown and have different views now. just don't be blind in love and of course ask about his previous partners. it doesn't have to be dramatic, just a "hey, i kinda need to talk in order to feel more comfortable with you." try not to be judgmental in the conversation, but look out for any red flags. if there are any, just break it off since it's new. if not, good!

No. 128859

>>128774
The fact that she won't tell you why.. is really odd

I know people who are definitely attracted to women but won't perform because they are squeamish about bodily fluids. It'd take her five seconds to explain her reason to you. Her lack of communication sounds almost more frustrating than the lack of oral

No. 128866

>>128784
>>128859
thanks for these responses. next time i have the chance i plan to ask if she's willing to provide a reason, because people telling me she isn't really attracted to women has fueled my paranoia haha and if she'd just tell me why i wouldn't be so anxious. i can live without oral- it'd be nice, but i prefer topping anyway so it's not a huge inconvenience- but i can't live with this fear that she isn't really attracted to me. i don't think it's really about getting oral, it's that i want to feel like she wants me

No. 128880

>>128866
yep i would definitely discuss it with her. my girlfriend is paranoid about germs to the point that she usually doesn’t like me eating her out. personally it doesn’t bother me but it was good to chat about it with her so we could be on the same page and i felt like she still desired me

No. 128892

>>128891
Oops didn’t mean to spoiler

No. 128894

File: 1575962949449.jpeg (406.69 KB, 1606x1286, 968305BD-E590-4752-ABB3-B9530D…)

What is the purpose of these messages? My boyfriends ex sends him pitiful messages like this every once in a while and it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I mainly feel sorry for her because it seems like she can’t accept our relationship, but I start to wonder at what point this self-indulgent, self-pitying crap will stop. It’s been a year. Is she going to toast some nonsense like this at our wedding?

Can someone please analyze this for me as I am of average intelligence and do not understand the purpose of these messages. They were not in anyway solicited from what I can see.

For context: she regularly sends flirty selfies and previously sent him a photo of her in her knickers about 2 weeks ago. Again these were unsocilited and received no reaction from him.

No. 128895

>>128894
come on, you know what's the point. you just want someone to validate your thoughts. Yes, she is trying to get his attention in any way possible and win him back. Idk why he didn't block her yet if he's serious about you. Be careful

No. 128898

>>128895
He won’t block her because they’re best friends and she’s one of the only friends he has. Have asked him to set boundaries but he says there’s no need.

The fact that she’s only just now realizing that ‘if we’re not going to be together’ is concerning to me, although he hasn’t been responded the way she hoped, I wish he would be more firm

No. 128899

>>128898
He is keeping her on the back burner in case you break up. His "best friend" shouldn't be his ex who is sending him nudes, there is absolutely need for boundaries.

No. 128900

>>128894
She says that if they are made for each other, they will be back together some day because of ~destiny~. But she also says that they have responsibility for their relationship and have to take action. It means: "I am ready to be in a relationship with you again. just give me a sign." Agree with >>128899, he probably is not ready to drop her and enjoys the attention he gets from her, otherwise he would block her. The "best friend" excuse is the standard, but most of my friends who stayed "best friends" with their ex ended up sexually interacting with them again. Did he show you those messages? Or did you find them?

No. 128901

>>128900
I found them.

For fucks sake is she really trying to get back together with him?! He’s not interested and I’ve been dating him for the last 6 months. I’ve mentioned her conduct to I’m before and it just ends in disaster we just go around in circles. Why can’t he just tell her stop

No. 128902

>>128900
It’s worse than I thought. What the fuck do I do because I’m so absolutely sick to my back teeth of her shenanigans

No. 128904

>>128894
um, didn't he sleep with her like the minute you guys broke up, or he slept with her while you guys were together or something? he still likes her. you know this. you know he still has a soft spot for her or that he is just a fuckboi. i cannot believe you're continuing with this wedding.

No. 128905

>>128901
Not sure what your cognitive issue is, but these really are very, very obvious. She thinks that they are made for each other and "The Cosmic Plan" (aka destiny) will bring them together again. This and the fact that she sends him nudes makes her goal pretty clear. And what makes you so sure he is not interested? He didn’t tell you about it, you don’t know what he is up to. You just found out through secretly going through his chats. He could also delete his answers on Discord, just saying. Your anger seems to be focused on the ex girlfriend, but please also keep in mind that your bf does not stop her at all.

I don’t know what >>128904 is referring to, but if that is true, then… oof.

No. 128907

>>128904
Was this meant for me? No he’s never cheated on me with her or anyone

No. 128908

>>128905
Yes I do have a problem processing things like this which is why I’m asking for help. I don’t know what to do at this point I feel comeoktelt helpless.

His mum and I have both had a serious talk with him about setting boundaries and he earnestly tells us that her intentions aren’t bad and that they’re just close friends. I want him to block her, it’s too much

No. 128909

>>128907
sorry, you're right. he left you for her. that's much worse, and after she allegedly raped him, blah blah blah. look, your bf disparages her in a way, but leaves you for her, thinks fondly of her, clearly, does not value enough to block her when it has upset you for how long now? many months now, since you guys have been together again, and prior to that her role in your life upset you too.

honestly i get the feeling your 'fiance' does feel she's fated to be with him, in a way, and wants his cake and to eat it too, or uses you for shallow reasons (you and i both know what those are) but connects to her more deeply, honestly.

No. 128910

>>128909
I’m sorry, what

No. 128911

>>128910
you pretended last time it was not you either (despite it being overwhelmingly obvious and mentioning very specific details) because the situation is pitiful and the answer is very clear, and it's never what you want to hear. you don't come first.

No. 128912

>>128894
I think I’m just gonna bribe him with a big TV to tell her to fuck off because I don’t see an end in sight to this circus

No. 128913

>>128912
Why can't he get his own TV and just do whatever he wants, as he seems to be doing anyways? Why would that stop anything?

No. 128915

But my question is: should I take it seriously or just dismiss her obsession with him as unreciprocated? He didn’t reply to it or give her a ‘sign’ that she was asking for. And no he doesn’t delete messages he doesn’t know I look in his phone in the first place and if he was going to delete I’m sure he’d remove those messages.

No. 128917

I think anon is having a psychotic episode and talking to herself >>128912 >>128913 One side of her the side that sages, the other one that mercilessly bumps the thread lol.

>>128912 Anon, why are you such a doormat? You want to buy your bf a TV to get a bit of respect from him? That is just not right. He is doing something shady by staying so close to her despite receiving her nudes and romantic messages. If you don’t want that, tell him that it hurts you and that he should set boundaries + block her.

Your relationship sounds messy and you have deep issues. Don’t reward your bf by buying him something. And if what >>128909 said is true, break up and find someone better.

No. 128919

>>128917
this is her most recent update to the situation prior to this one. she just lets him do whatever out of desperation and endlessly enables him: >>125913

i don't know why she's so obsessed with him considering he allegedly doesn't have much to offer at all. i don't get it. there are countless NEET chantards out there. she's young but damn, this is just extreme doormat plainey shit.

No. 128922

>>128919
I guess I am being Lainey-tier at this point

No. 128925

>>128922
you are. you're 3 seconds from taking him on holiday to bulgaria with his ex 'billie' in tow for your honeymoon. like, literally he already complained that you were forcing him to be "monoamorous", ffs. what about the 'fat scene girl', too, that came out of nowhere and disappeared just as fast? if it's not this ex, it's someone else he either relates to better, or is just someone else. you're wasting your time on this guy. literally why can you not just meet any other chantard online? it's not even like he's in your country so proximity isn't even keeping this horrible match together. why in the world are you wanting to go into a marriage after already being settled for multiple times?

No. 128976

File: 1576044992710.jpeg (27.06 KB, 352x312, 468FB879-2C55-4066-B653-9FC20B…)

I think I’m facing trust issues (again) with my boyfriend.
> I tell him I’m doing important stuff this week and that I didn’t tell anyone else because I don’t want other people putting expectations on me and thinking I’m a failure if I don’t succeed, it makes me feel terrible. I ask him to please not tell anyone (he has a history of spreading what I’m doing with my life to everyone, but I trusted him when explicitly asking him to not tell anyone)
> he says he understands
> go tell a mutual friend that I’ve done said thing, as I feel a bit safer now that I might succeed
> she says he told her about it
I’m honestly pretty disappointed in him. It makes me feel a bit paranoid even, wondering what else he has said about me to other people. I’m trying to figure out how to confront him about it.

No. 128977

File: 1576048712182.jpeg (130.74 KB, 556x505, 594D6FEA-A6D9-4164-8688-890D86…)

I feel like a useless and bad girlfriend because I don’t know how to comfort my boyfriend when he’s feeling bad. He wanted me to comfort him over the phone which I agreed to because I love him and I would do anything for him. I said some stuff, but I feel like it wasn’t enough. We were both silent most of the time and I could tell he was waiting for me to continue speaking, but my mind was completely blank. Why am I so retarded?

No. 128982

>>127755
Why are you with a Japanese guy? These relationships are usually trainwrecks. Remember Applemilk1988?

No. 128983

>>128901
Because he likes it and he likes her. If he didn't like her and want her, he would tell her to stop. But he doesn't. Beacause he enjoys it, and he enjoys her.

No. 128997

>>128977
The fact that you're willing to reassure him, even though you're unsure of how exactly to go about it, says plenty of how you care for his wellbeing. You aren't a bad girlfriend because you have trouble putting feelings to words.

To start, you love him, right? So tell him how and why. You don't need to wax poetic or get bogged down with trying be profound about it.

What you appreciate about him and how it makes you feel, what strengths of his you find especially compelling when you're together, are fairly simple ways to start. Compliment him on how he carries himself in conversation, his interpersonal abilities when he's around others, if you think it's appropriate. If he's feeling insecure, compliment his looks, reaffirm how attractive you find him. Compliment him on what he's good at doing, his profession, his hobbies, hell, how he cooks his breakfast in the morning. Show him that you're paying attention, even if it's for small things.

Visual aid can be helpful too, so it may be worthwhile to make a list of all his qualities you appreciate and explain from there with specific instances where those qualities were especially apparent to you. Whatever comes to mind when you think on him, write it down, no matter how mundane is seems.

If nothing else, comfort him in a way you yourself would appreciate. Good luck, Anon!

No. 129006

How do I convince my husband to start working out and improving his aesthetical beauty more? I love him very much and we have a great sex life but man I dislike some things about him physically. He doesn't have a really good body and I feel like he would improve very much if he started using skin care, hair care, braces, and weight lifting and working out. I think it's fucked up I have relatively good teeth and take care of my hair and skin most of the time and try to work out but he doesn't do much with his looks and it really shows and bothers the fuck out of me.

No. 129009

>>128997
Thank you so much. You’re an angel, Anon.

No. 129065

Is it normal to feel distant in a long term relationship sometimes? I've been with my bf for 4 years and he is my first real relationship (had one when I was 18 but the guy broke up with me after a month to go back to an ex). I feel like sometimes we would be better off as best friends. We joke around like really good buddies but I can honestly say I don't feel the whole "in love" with a person thing. I really don't think I could see myself with anybody at this point and I feel like I'm wasting his/my time.

Also, a couple of weeks ago we were in the store and an old gf of his saw him. They talked for about 5 minutes and it was clear he didn't want to talk to her but she obviously still wanted his ding dong. I walked off to go do my own thing because I didn't want to sit there and be disrespected like that. Was I being irrational? He tried to make me feel bad for not liking the whole situation. I will admit that I do still have some jealousy issues and I'm possessive but that can't really be helped seeing as this is my first real thing. I am trying to work on it though

No. 129178

>>128833
Looking back because busy. I have gotten tested anyways because why not. I asked about his previous partners. He told me everything he has done with them and was willing to go into detail on the prostitute. Like how he found her, the things they did, and his own feelings towards the experience. I am taking it with a grain of salt because I never know. The only thing that is a red flag to me is that he did not regret sleeping with the prostitute when I asked if he had any regrets towards it. He only felt disappointed.

Despite it happening before we ever met, I felt hurt that he had no regrets. Probably because I could have done so with the same reason (of being horny and wanting a connection and hell I felt those same feeling while single) and still would not choose to go through with it. Despite me being repressed and wanting sex, I still would resist the urge in hopes that I will do it with someone I love and who share those same feelings back. I really should tell him how I really feel about this since all I did was listen just so I can process my own feelings, maybe it might be best if we go our separate ways.

No. 129179

>>128894
She's sending them because he's reading them

He needs to tell her clearly that it's over and to stop sending him messages. He doesn't want to do that because he's enjoying the attention and likes having a backup plan.
>uwu every girl wants me

No. 129192

>>129006
Braces are expensive and a pain for years. Don't judge people for not getting those. But standard hygiene is something basic you should ask for.

No. 129200

I know these scenarios can have a lot of variables. Is there a certain period of time that has to elapse before you ask a guy if you're a gf/bf couple?
My situation is that I've been seeing a guy I met off a dating profile for about 3 weeks. Everything's going well. He added me on my social media. We've hung out a few times doing both date things and romantic/sexual things. That's going really well too. We're super compatible it turns out.

I just don't want to jump the shark and make myself look insecure and clingy if I ask him what we are too early. I at least said I was seeing him exclusively and he knows that, so idk if we're still in the getting to know each other dating phase or not. Do people tend to know fairly quickly if they wanna put a bf/gf label on a relationship? I feel like I do but that's just me.

No. 129204

So this is kinda a AITA question but it's to do with my relationship so whatever. My bf and I are students, im working on my masters and he's in his final year of his undergrad. He's been writing sections and been pretty stressed about it so i've been reading sections and suggesting re-writes (at his request) when sentences don't flow as well as helping with any question he has at all. If im honest, it's been quite stressful to do alongside writing my own assignments but I love him and I am actually interested in his course/idea so it's ok.
He's finishing up his first chapter and is asking me to read through all of it (like 5-6,000 words). I said i would but I've asked if he could buy me DLC for a game (less than £10) as payment because, in my mind, im doing something he would usually have to pay someone for? and i've been doing it for free until now and the quantity of what im going to have to read through is more than the small sections he's previously asked me to review. I feel guilty asking for 'payment' though and i just wanna know other people's perspective on this.

No. 129206

>>129204
Eh, I don't think you should be asking for payment for helping him out at all. He's your SO not a stranger on the street. At the same time, he should be contributing and doing things for you as well. If you feel so unappreciated that you're thinking about asking for payment, then my guess is he isn't being a good partner to you and showing enough appreciation. If it really stressing you out, why not tell him you need to focus on your own studies for now?

In any case he should buy you whatever you want. Because he loves you and not because of some quid pro quid bullshit. Someone who cares and loves about you doesn't mind spending money on you. Both my bf and me and like this. We splurge on each other randomly.

No. 129208

>>129206
I see, thank you! I guess at the beginning I would buy him stuff randomly but I kind of ended up stopping because it felt really one sided. The situation is quite one-sided at the moment because he won't look at my work or read it so I suppose that's why i felt a bit under appreciated.
I suppose I do feel like I am doing a lot for him, outside of reading his work, I clean and cook mostly & If i don't do it it doesn't get done for days or we get takeaway. You've given me a bit to think about.

No. 129209

>>129208
Gosh yeah, I don't know the whole story but it sounds like he's not doing much for you. A couple months into my first relationship I realized my ex wasn't doing much for me either while I was putting in most of the effort. He wasn't as loving or considerate as me. He didn't make me feel more loved or cared about than I would be on my own. I cared about him, and he had some good potential, but I knew I wasn't getting the relationship I wanted so I left (although I tried to talk to him about it first, but no dice). I know it sounds harsh but a lot of the time, the woman puts in WAY more effort than the man. We don't see how low-effort our partner is until later when we're burned out, because we're so busy doing stuff for them.

After that happened to me I realized, if a guy doesn't put in the effort I want upfront or fails to maintain it, then I'm not gonna settle for that. A guy has to show me he's a devoted and committed partner before I can give him my full love and devotion as well. If that bothers him too bad, he can find another woman to laze out on. A man who is worth it will step up because he wants you in his life.

I'm not going to make assumptions about your relationship. But if you're feeling underappreciated you need to think deeply about it and then talk to him. Why does he refuse to read your work? Why doesn't he think he needs to help you cook or clean? What is he really adding to your life? Are you just there because it's comfortable? So you can have someone you can call a partner? Sometimes we fall into relationships and fail to think about how happy it actually makes us.

No. 129227

File: 1576460755590.gif (7.28 KB, 385x310, image004-1.gif)

Are there any manic lovers around here? I'm one and I'm really tired of feeling like a rollercoaster everytime I fall in love or develop a crush on a guy. I get very jealous if they don't pay me attention 24/7 and feel worthless if they start to talk less to me or prefer to hang around with other people.

It's not like I take it out on them, but I do start to distance myself from them once this happens, just to see if they search for me. Most of the time they don't, so I feel even worse if possible. I tell myself I'm not going to approach them ever again BUT I ALWAYS GO BACK TO THE START. Currently, my weekly mood is: Feel nice when talking to crush > feel fucking jealous > feel like a piece of shit not worth of love > ghost crush.

I hate being so attached to a person, my mood depends entirely on how he treats me daily. It's annoying, but I can't help but miss him though he isn't interested in me and just talks to me when he doesn't have anyone around.

I feel like a fucking child and I would like to know if there are other anons who are like me, and how they cope with being like this.



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