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No. 122983
Old thread hit the limit!
>>>/g/108637Having some relationship issues or questions and need to vent or get advice? Come here and talk with fellow farmers for another point of view.
No. 122986
More of a vent if anything but I was really getting along with my new boyfriend up until he started to act weirdly jealous and admitted as much. At first I took it as flattery because of exes acting so disinterested in me or just treating me like a piece of worthless trash not even worth a text message or a nice dinner. This new boyfriend wanted to do all those things for me and frequently and made known that he wanted me. I took the behavior as a sign that I was desired and it felt really good to be wanted. I still like that feeling.
Last night he tried to turn his jealousy against me and it made me feel really insulted.
He texted me to accuse that I still had feelings for my ex and I was hiding something on my cell phone the other night.
First of all, the accusations blindsided me because I had no idea what he was talking about or was even aware anything was wrong. I tried to be nice at first, and maybe it was a misunderstanding.
I told him I didn't have feelings for my ex. I dumped almost a year ago now. Also that I don't even talk to him, and what brought that up? Then I explained I was actually finishing up typing a post on here lel, and nah I didn't really want him to see what I was typing on my phone but he could've asked what I was doing if he had a concern. I really don't use social media much and said I have no problems handing over my phone for him to check if he really wants to see how little is actually going on.
If he has an issue then he needs to talk to me at the time about it.
Then he gave me a third degree about my ex again after the cell phone thing was buried. I asked him what even brought up my ex and apparently he became upset after I showed him my vacation pictures from last year in the 'on this day' feature on facebook. I showed him a picture of my ex to prove how I didn't have any pictures of myself on this vacation because my ex was a selfish asshole who didn't take any for me. That was the point.
Not that I "miss" my ex or "have feelings" for him. He got jealous because I showed him a picture of my ex. Nothing else. That's so fucking retarded, he even argued 'What kind of girlfriend shows a picture of her ex to her boyfriend?!" Uh, I didn't compliment my ex or reminisce, what on earth.
He kept texting accusing me and I kept repeating how I didn't have feelings and at that point I was getting mad because he kept saying shit like "I don't believe you, you still have feelings for him because I have a guy instinct!" and then he passively aggressively said "Text him goodnight!" and I shut it down. It was so fucking ridiculous. He was basically implying I'm a liar and acting petty over something absolutely inconsequential. MEANWHILE I've listened to HIS emotionally-charged rants about his ex who I guess wasn't faithful, and he claims he's so hung up on fidelity because he doesn't wanna go through it again. He's totally projecting because he's the one with obvious feelings for his ex, yet instead of addressing his insecurities he's insinuating shit about me so he doesn't have to face his own emotions.
At the end of the texts he apologized and said he trusted me.
Despite what I said about him talking to me about problems when he feels they arise, I'm sensing he's probably going to pull this shit again and confront me about something irrelevant days later so I'll be caught offguard again.
No. 122991
>>122986This sounds incredibly dumb on his part. Like he missed the whole
my ex is an asshole who didn't take a single photo of me on our vacation and zoned in on the result: which was pictures of the ex exist
>He's totally projecting because he's the one with obvious feelings for his ex, yet instead of addressing his insecurities he's insinuating shit about me so he doesn't have to face his own emotions.Looks like you're way ahead of him anon. This seems obvious, otherwise he's just a controlling troublemaker. I had a friend who would accuse me of sleeping with random mutual friends if I didn't respond to his message fast enough.
No. 123006
>>122986>emotionally-charged rants about his ex who I guess wasn't faithfulNow you've seen his definition of unfaithful, you can't even believe him that his ex was unfaithful or wasn't just driven to give him something real to complain about kek
>>123004This, if it was me I'd use this situation to make it clear that I'm not playing those games with him, but kick him immediately if he tries to ever bring it up again.
No. 123015
I have an odd one, this is borderline stupid questions general thread…my boyfriend says his friendships tend to be "romantic" ever since puberty. He is straight, but I believe it even applied to his best male friend, and that may have even made him wonder if he was into him. He wasn't, as far as we know, just was able to appreciate that he was a good-looking guy. He tends to have a lot of female friends so idk if that is just the issue, but I also think there's not a lot of portrayal of platonic love between men that doesn't involve macho bullshit or familial bonds, or of platonic love between women and men other than in families, and so maybe he just doesn't have a reference point.
It's been really upsetting me because he says he can't tell between the two, but obviously he knows there's a massive difference between how he feels about me and his friends. At the same time, it seems like he sees some physical contact as ok that I wouldn't find appropriate unless I were single or absolutely sure my friend wasn't into me at all romantically/sexually, and some of it even then I'd have boundaries about. E.g., he thought it was sad that I would only let my friend lie on me and fall asleep if she/he were upset or unwell. If it were close enough to be familial, I might be more lenient too, like if we had been purely platonic friends since childhood or for decades. I would be more likely to let a friend just fall asleep on my shoulder if they were really tired. Maybe I'm just less touchy, but I think that my boundaries for what is and isn't appropriate between friends, especially with male/female, is really normal. He also said he doesn't know what the big difference is between taking a friend to a movie or to dinner one-on-one and taking a date…He told me as well that it takes a lot more than maybe the average for him to consider a friend a friend, like he has to trust them quite a bit. He also feels that when one of his friends is touchy with him, it means a lot, because she is rarely that way with anyone so it means she feels comfortable (she has zero feelings for him, I'm almost absolutely sure of this, and has said she sees him like a brother, even messes with him the same way siblings do.) To me, that sounds a lot like familial love.
Which brings up another problem: he says he hasn't really felt familial love or affection from his family like that since he was a child. His younger brother gets/got more than he does. So I'm starting to think that maybe he is just feeling intense platonic affection, but he's so not used to feeling it that he associates it with "romance" or maybe has some weird definition of "romantic". The line to me is so blurry and hard to define that I don't know how to put it into words, but I know I'm definitely not "romantic" with my friends even if it approaches that in one way or another. It's "romantic" only in the idealization of the bond, the excitement of a new friendship, the closeness, etc. But it feels much distinctive from a romance. It's almost how someone could describe a new or strong romance, but purely platonic. I experienced it many times with people I wasn't attracted to sexually or romantically, and it has confused me because it has the other hallmarks, but when I would sit down and consider it, I had zero feelings other than platonic ones, it was just an unusually intense platonic relationship. I do have friends I'm close enough to that I would give a kidney to, but I wouldn't go to the same extent as I would for partner unless they were basically family to me.
I just told him I feel differently about him than I do about any of my friends, regardless of how emotionally intimate we are. I do love my friends, but in a different way. I think he gets what I mean, but said he liked me romantically "the most" which rather understandably makes me feel very cucked/hurt/anxious to hear. He wouldn't ignore me for a friend, he would do a lot for a friend he cares about, but he wouldn't move countries for a friend. In fact, he wouldn't move countries for _anyone_ except me, he said. So there's obviously some sort of difference between the love he has for friends and for me.
How do I explain the difference to him and tell him that he's weird and my boundaries are completely normal? Personally I think they also stop weird or jealous feelings from forming. I want to have some things only for each other and I don't feel deprived or depriving of others for keeping some things off-limits or rare. For "romantic"/"romance", I think it's a lot like what that judge said about obscenity: it's hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. So that's kind of useless and since he's autistic I think it's part of the problem lol
No. 123016
I have an odd one, this is borderline stupid questions general thread…my boyfriend says his friendships tend to be "romantic" ever since puberty. He is straight, but I believe it even applied to his best male friend, and that may have even made him wonder if he was into him. He wasn't, as far as we know, just was able to appreciate that he was a good-looking guy. He tends to have a lot of female friends so idk if that is just the issue, but I also think there's not a lot of portrayal of platonic love between men that doesn't involve macho bullshit or familial bonds, or of platonic love between women and men other than in families, and so maybe he just doesn't have a reference point.
It's been really upsetting me because he says he can't tell between the two, but obviously he knows there's a massive difference between how he feels about me and his friends. At the same time, it seems like he sees some physical contact as ok that I wouldn't find appropriate unless I were single or absolutely sure my friend wasn't into me at all romantically/sexually, and some of it even then I'd have boundaries about. E.g., he thought it was sad that I would only let my friend lie on me and fall asleep if she/he were upset or unwell. If it were close enough to be familial, I might be more lenient too, like if we had been purely platonic friends since childhood or for decades. I would be more likely to let a friend just fall asleep on my shoulder if they were really tired. Maybe I'm just less touchy, but I think that my boundaries for what is and isn't appropriate between friends, especially with male/female, is really normal. He also said he doesn't know what the big difference is between taking a friend to a movie or to dinner one-on-one and taking a date…He told me as well that it takes a lot more than maybe the average for him to consider a friend a friend, like he has to trust them quite a bit. He also feels that when one of his friends is touchy with him, it means a lot, because she is rarely that way with anyone so it means she feels comfortable (she has zero feelings for him, I'm almost absolutely sure of this, and has said she sees him like a brother, even messes with him the same way siblings do.) To me, that sounds a lot like familial love.
Which brings up another problem: he says he hasn't really felt familial love or affection from his family like that since he was a child. His younger brother gets/got more than he does. So I'm starting to think that maybe he is just feeling intense platonic affection, but he's so not used to feeling it that he associates it with "romance" or maybe has some weird definition of "romantic". The line to me is so blurry and hard to define that I don't know how to put it into words, but I know I'm definitely not "romantic" with my friends even if it approaches that in one way or another. It's "romantic" only in the idealization of the bond, the excitement of a new friendship, the closeness, etc. But it feels much distinctive from a romance. It's almost how someone could describe a new or strong romance, but purely platonic. I experienced it many times with people I wasn't attracted to sexually or romantically, and it has confused me because it has the other hallmarks, but when I would sit down and consider it, I had zero feelings other than platonic ones, it was just an unusually intense platonic relationship. I do have friends I'm close enough to that I would give a kidney to, but I wouldn't go to the same extent as I would for partner unless they were basically family to me.
I just told him I feel differently about him than I do about any of my friends, regardless of how emotionally intimate we are. I do love my friends, but in a different way. I think he gets what I mean, but said he liked me romantically "the most" which rather understandably makes me feel very cucked/hurt/anxious to hear. He wouldn't ignore me for a friend, he would do a lot for a friend he cares about, but he wouldn't move countries for a friend. In fact, he wouldn't move countries for _anyone_ except me, he said. So there's obviously some sort of difference between the love he has for friends and for me.
How do I explain the difference to him and tell him that he's weird and my boundaries are completely normal? Personally I think they also stop weird or jealous feelings from forming. I want to have some things only for each other and I don't feel deprived or depriving of others for keeping some things off-limits or rare. For "romantic"/"romance", I think it's a lot like what that judge said about obscenity: it's hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. So that's kind of useless and since he's autistic I think it's part of the problem lol
In the end iirc I told him (for my sake as well as his) that I don't think it really matters what word he uses to describe friendships to me or what "platonic" vs "romantic" means in that context as long as his friendships don't become inappropriate or make me feel jealous and not special to him, or cause him distress. I might send him to our close mutual guy friend and see what he has to say on the topic, too.
No. 123019
>>123010>>123010yeah from my experience it doesn't always mean the person is really trying to have sex or aware of what they're doing. my bf feels me up but sometimes isn't even trying to get me to have sex, just wants to touch me. it's up to you to decide why he did what he did and act according to your morals and boundaries, good luck!
>>123008I've discussed future plans with partners pretty early on if I felt like I had strong feelings. the timeline is on you guys, not anyone else. just be careful about making any surefire decisions this early in the relationship, in case it is just from the excitement of it being new.
No. 123033
How can you tell if you‘re being reasonable in expectations when you‘re a jealous and anxious person?
So I have this standard in my relationship, which is…if someone invites me to some social thing like a party or wedding but my bf would be not welcome, then I probably wouldn‘t go. I wouldn‘t want to because it‘d feel like abandoning my partner. Otherwise I‘d ask my partner if it‘s OK, then go and not go accordingly. We come as a team so I‘d see being like "ok cya" would be shitty.
This issue has come up, and he‘ll be going on a 4 day holiday where I‘m not welcome. It‘s more of a coworkers thing, but not actual work/business trip (which would be fine). Huge argument because he sees nothing wrong with it, and thinks that I‘m being controlling. By the end of it I said I would never forbid him, but I ask him to respect the standards important to me.
Also, he wants to go to some sporty activity I can‘t really do at the weekend that‘d take all day, the weekend before he goes on said holiday. So I told him I thought we‘d spend that weekend together since he‘ll be going, plus he never does or suggests sporty things he likes despite me in the past saying we should, so I found it unfair. I said he should go now because despite agreeing that it‘d take a big chunk of time and he‘d be going on holiday with them anyway, he‘s used it as ammo in arguments since.
Thing is, when I had bad anxiety (we just moved to a new country and I was totally isolated, financially dependent and didn‘t speak the language) I begged him not to go for a week to another country, leaving me alone. Since he agreed to that I‘ve been working on myself and I think I‘ve made improvement. I think that was an unreasonable request, but he‘s held it over my head as an example of how controlling I am since, he‘s brought it up to this holiday thing and the weekend activity, and no matter how I argue the principle/reason is different, he puts it on the same level.
I‘ll be getting therapy for my jealousy, anxiety and insecurity, but I do try to evaluate things more objectively. But when he comes out with "you‘re being controlling, this is just like that time you didn‘t want me to go to business trip" then…who am I to argue that? It‘s just between the two of us, and these kinds of issues haven‘t come up with long term partners before and I don‘t know what‘s reasonable to expect. I wish there was some handbook or guide which said when it‘s OK to draw the line and when you‘re being unreasonable.
No. 123039
>>123037Thanks for the reply. We‘re both very solitary people, and it was established by both of us at the start that we need alone time, we have individual hobbies going on and stuff.
What I‘m having difficulty with is…if the situations were reversed, people asked me to go on holiday but my bf wasn‘t welcome…there‘s no way I wouldn‘t think about what HE thought of the situation. What bothers me is that there‘s no consideration from him in that context. It was more that "I want to go, so I want to go and damned what you think of it". I think a proper thing to say would be like "hey so and so wants to go on holiday for a few days, just coworkers and it sounds cool, since you can‘t really go would I wanted to ask if it be OK if I did?".
You‘re right that it‘d be denying him a positive experience, but I feel like when you‘re in a relationship your mindset has to change a bit to encompass your partner too. That you sort of take it upon yourself to place reasonable restrictions.
No. 123053
>>123039NTA, that's tough but that's just a matter of character. I relate more to your bf in this because I'm like him. As two individual adults, I believe I shouldn't be asking permission to do something that isn't violating our agreed upon monogamy. Considering not going on vacation because my partner is insecure would never be something I'd do. It's not my issue, it's theirs. Compromising on this would entertain their delusions that my love is so fleeting that I'll just cheat or something as soon as I'm away from their grasp. It's a strict matter of principle for me, personally. Restrictions based on insecurity aren't permissible to me. That being said I would never even date a jealous person in the first place. Not sure why he even started with you when he is so opposed to restricting himself for the sake of a jealous partner.
Not sure about the sports event thing, sorry.
The bringing shit up in arguments sounds unfair to me as well, but it sounds like you've perhaps been controlling in ways you aren't aware and it's built up to the point where he's getting so resentful he'll make unfair arguments. You weren't being too clingy for needing him around for that week you were new in the country you moved to, but I'm guessing he wouldn't have needed you to stay around for him if he were in your position and he sees an issue with that. I think his problem is with your character, and I don't really see how that can change.
Tbh seems you two aren't very compatible bc you see boundaries completely differently. He's particularly independent and that's in direct opposition to your co-dependence. Some people enjoy clingy partners, some don't.
No. 123073
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I desperately need help and advice with this
I'm currently going through what feels like the most difficult breakup of my life. Possibly because of the circumstances.
TLDR; met cute/seemed nice guy, moved in with him, together one year total, find out he is a drug addict slowly (we never participated in drugs or anything together previous to this, which is why I say "slowly". He later confessed to me that he has on/off issues for years now) and suddenly I am constantly having to make sure he is alive/not trying to suicide. I felt so caged and trapped, couldn't leave or do anything besides work due to how much I felt like I had to do for him essentially (some examples, finding him a job, helping him sign up for classes, getting him out of debt, teaching him basic life skills, stuff that I know is not my responsibility but I was so scared he would die without my babying so I felt almost hostage to doing all of these things since we also shared a space)
Finally was able to move out and am now trying to bring a complete end to this relationship. It has brought nothing but harm. He is now full blown on drugs and being crazy and it's hard for me to distance myself even though I know it must be the right thing. I sit alone in my flat all day and I just feel so depressed. I'm also currently dealing with a close loved one dying in the next month or so as well as full time job and part time school. I know there is a HUGE element of co-dependency here maybe, even though it was a horrible relationship I still long for him to hold me sometimes. I feel so fucked up for even admitting to that because he is so disgusting but I still feel alone now
any advice/tips? I know it probably sounds silly but I have been in abusive relationships in the past (including with family early on) so I am trying to break this cycle. I want to get away from him emotionally AND physically and be ok. I want to graduate and move on with my life without this burden
also TLDR; list of horrible things he has done. Maybe just writing this helps me stay strong.
>"cheated" on me with underage teens online (I don't fault the teen really, he is a predator in his mid 20's)
>used drugs continuously under my roof
>stole my personal belongings multiple times
>would sneak off to use drugs when I would be working, when I come home from work he is a mess
>police had to get involved multiple times when he would get violent (with himself, still scary because I had to "step in")
>always lies about everything. even the stupidest, smallest shit
>would pay for expensive thot porn when he technically owes me (and other people too)thousands of dollars
>constantly would break my things of value or throw them away when he is on drugs
>threatened me that the cops would kill me and him if I called them
>had creepy DDLG kink he wanted me to constantly participate in (degenerate)
No. 123074
>>123073First: good on you for getting out of that situation, it must have been, and still is, awful. That's a big step towards independence and letting go of someone who has been draining you mentally.
I think you should definitely seek out counselling/therapy if you already haven't. Your life has a lot going on at the moment (I'm very sorry about your loved one) and it would be essential to let those feelings out and process them properly, especially when you've had a long history of abuse and want to break the cycle. It's a long process but it's so worth it, and it truly does help. I've been in a similar situation, not involving drugs tho, and one of the hardest things to learn is that not everyone can be saved and it's not your responsibility to help in everything if the help is constantly turned down or nothing is learned.
Do you have friends or loved ones you can turn to? I can't emphasize enough the importance of talking about the things you've experienced with someone you trust.
It's also natural to miss the good times and the intimacy, don't be ashamed. It will pass as any lingering feelings for him will fade over time.
I wish you the best, anon. You seem very responsible and caring, and it's sad your ex used your kindness in such a nasty way. You're not alone and I hope everything will turn out well for you!
No. 123076
Reposting my question from the last thread since it maxed out before anyone could've replied, with some additions…
Does anyone know how to help or deal with relationship and/or sex OCD? I think my partner has it and combined with his other problems (impulse control/addictive tendencies/general anxiety/sperglord) it's fucking us up. He really loves me, but the doubts are making him hurt me and himself and digging himself deeper. I don't think he'd actually be happy doing most of the stuff he worries about and the worries are probably wrong. But it's hard for me because some of it sounds like it could be true and isn't just OCD, and I end up feeding right into it by being mean and hurt and believing it or digging up stuff, I feel horrible about myself and about how he could and has hurt me and it's hard not to show it. If he believes it he doesn't challenge the beliefs because he doesn't want to consider/deal with them and by telling him one of my anxieties today I managed to give him a new potential worry.
I see that CBT may be the best bet, so I'd like resources for a partner of someone with this, for the person dealing with it, worksheets/books, etc, anything that you think may help, or your own personal experience. LDR-specific may be useful too because that's a compounding factor (and it's fucked because this is making it harder to move in.)
The stress from believing this stuff and his fuckups is giving me severe depression/anxiety compounded by my family issues and I just want it to end before I fuck my life up more.
No. 123170
>>123022Oh I love these.
You are not the asshole at ALL. Sisters in law like making shit about themselves for some reason so I hope your partner has the rationality to draw some boundaries. Some dudes side with their sisters bc she cried or pulled his strings with some other emotional manipulation tool. Hope your guy isn't like that bc that becomes so unbearable later down the line.
She doesn't have to show up to the wedding if she doesn't want to but her whining is uncalled for. Like you said, her breakup wasn't really a hard one and she's doing this to herself. She's
choosing to make this an issue.
No. 123174
>>123076you wrote a decent lenght post and yet it's impossible to deduce what is actually the problem here. "Doubts"? If he's constantly worrying and asking for reassurance, yeah, it can be a symptom of OCD. What you can do is drag his ass to therapy. OCD isn't really something you can "deal with" on your own. In most cases, you need medication.
But you have to be more specific if you need advice, because your post is too chaotic.
No. 123178
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I feel like I‘m just noticing a disturbing trend with my bf. I feel like he feeds off of my negative emotion, I don‘t know how to describe it. I‘m heavily dependent on him at the moment, looking for a job since moving to a new country with him.
So we‘re usually good together. I‘m the type that likes to confront things head on as they arise and am quite passionate about it, and he likes to avoid talking about things that bother him. Anyway, when I‘m trying to point out things wrong he‘ll try find something to turn the accusation back on me and I just HAVE to try make him see my point of view that he keeps minimizing, our poor communication styles can lead to these long, drawn out argumentative periods where we‘re both just fucking sad. Sometimes I can blow up on him and tell him to stop with the fucking power plays and playing victim and just listen to what I‘m saying. It‘s a bad pattern but we have different ways of dealing with it, and I want to get counseling to channel it in a more healthy way because we just kind of bounce off each other when we disagree until we‘re tired and it can take days to come to a proper resolution.
Anyway, sometimes I‘ll just become exhausted and I‘ll stop being passionate about it. After reconciliation he can say something incendiary (for example "oh I might <do thing> because I don‘t really care about <whatever topic we‘ve been arguing about that‘s important to me>") and I‘m just like "that‘s fucked to say considering how much we‘ve talked about it, but that‘s the way it is, you do you".
BUT, when I do this and just sort of maintain not bothering…the 2-4 times this has happened, EVERY time he says we should break up. And he‘ll say he doesn't love me, and due to problems. But these problems? He hasn't brought up. I mean they‘re valid issues, but he doesn't express them until it‘s "too late" and he sits there expressionless and maintains this until I‘m crying pretty bad, headache and all that when I‘m trying to tell him it‘s a problem easily resolved. Eventually he says "OK, that‘s a reasonable solution" and we‘re back on. But it absolutely wrecks me for at least a day, I‘m fucking numb from it. He tells me he does love me and tries to make me feel better.
But see, when he initially says he wants to break up, I‘m pretty calm about it (probably my panic mode) and I try to discuss the logical reasons. And he‘ll say things that are so cold…and just maintain throwing those things in until I‘m sobbing.
I don‘t know if it‘s deliberate. Is he just so poor at communication that he thinks the best thing to do is hold in your problems until breaking point then blow up and see if I can save it, or is it a more calculated behaviour? I don‘t get it but it‘s harmful af to my mental health and I always feel like I need to be so careful after to not repeat the things he has a problem with, in case he goes straight to "you‘re not changing any, let‘s break up".
No. 123185
>>123178This is going to sound really harsh ….. But I think he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward to actually go through with it. He is waiting for that day when you agree so he doesn't have to feel like a bad guy.
But if I give him the benefit of the doubt, it's possible his personal problems are causing him lack of love and energy, and maybe everything will work out when he has fixed them.
No. 123190
>>123178He's immature at best or doesn't love you at worst.
I would not feel loved in a relationship where if I brought up an issue that I felt passionate about, that breaking up would be held over my head while I'm jobless and in a foreign country. He's absolutely power playing you, and he's mean.
No. 123204
>>123201What this anon said.
I'm in a similar situation but I'm more like your bf in this case. We love each other so we are moving apart for a while to see if space is what we need.
No. 123260
>>123258what
>>123259 said plus I still don't want to spend my life alone. Decent men who want no children are impossible to find.
No. 123274
What do you guys think about introvert & extrovert in a relationship? Maybe you can say something from your own experience?
Well, I'm introverted and shy, and the guy I'm talking with is an outgoing extrovert. In his opinion, he's an ambivert but nah. He does have a "calmer" side that we bonded over… but I've only ever heard of it, never seen it actually. He's constantly out with friends, partying, drinking, being spontaneous, he just got back from an abroad trip and in few days he's going somewhere again. Honestly, I'm tired just hearing about his antics, like I legit get secondhand social energy drainage.
I don't really see it working out between us. I just won't be able to catch up with him, and I can see him getting bored with me because of it.
(And he's out drinking too often for my liking.)
But maybe I'm pessimistic? I can see the good sides, like the introvert getting out and experiencing more and the extrovert engaging in something stable and genuine.
They say opposites attract, yet I'm realizing now that every couple I know has a very similar social energy.
No. 123277
>>123274Introvert and extrovert can work if both sides learn from each other and find a balance.
Anyways, when you're together with someone you have to sacrifice your partying and traveling regardless, but he sounds like he's too much into it to walk towards your needs. It might be good and healthy for you if you find someone who's extravert, but him seems just too much everything and a major redflag who can't commit.
No. 123285
I met a guy at a specialty shop that I work at that I like a lot. I flirted with him for a while and he asked for my number, etc. We talked a bit more and then he had to leave so I could talk to the customers that had just come in. We went out the next day to a bar, and only talked for about two hours while with two of his friends (which I happened to already know), so it wasn't terribly personal. We were supposed to have got there hours earlier but there was a horrible storm that rolled in off the mountains that made it unsafe to drive.
Now a week later he has invited me to go to a barbecue with his group up in the mountains about an hour and a half away (normal for this particular area and social circle), and said he would 'see if I could spend the night.'
First off, I have no idea where I would even be staying, and I really don't know if I'm comfortable sleeping with this guy on a second date. I have never had a one night stand or anything like that, and have never casually dated. Only been in one long-term relationship, and we met online, we never went on an actual 'date' before we moved in together. Never had sex with anyone else. But, that relationship was horribly abusive and I definitely do not want to replicate that. I am generally really uncomfortable around sex due to body anxiety and can only get into it when I am drunk.
I don't know if I should go with it or not. On one hand I want to simply say that I'm not comfortable spending the night; I could probably just go to the event and then drive back later. But I'm also somewhat intrigued and would have a lot of fun at this event, and since I would definitely get drunk if I don't need to drive, could almost definitely enjoy having sex like that anxiety-free. I also would love to start embracing myself more and dating casually, even if things don't work out with this guy. But I also am uncomfortable with my body and have some self-harm scars on my upper thighs (hidden except in underwear) that I obviously haven't revealed to this guy yet considering we met last week, and I'm anxious about confronting that…
I haven't texted him back yet because I don't know which route I want to go. Pls help.
No. 123287
>>123286The distance is actually normal for this type of thing, the town this event is going to be in is a regular hangout for a lot of people here. I've actually been there a few times myself, that's where I met this guy's friends. This guy was there those times too, apparently, but we didn't interact at that point.
A common first date here is 'you get on the back of my motorcycle and we'll go into the mountains and hang out at (x) bar.' In this case, I wouldn't be riding with him, I would just drive over in my car when I get off of work, which alleviates a lot of anxiety about it, since I can leave whenever I want, as long as I don't have a lot to drink.
I'll text him something like what you said tomorrow morning. First I think I will jokingly ask about where exactly this staying overnight would take place. Depending on what he says I will either agree (if there genuinely seem to be no expectations), or straight out say I'm not sure I'm comfortable staying over and would prefer to just drive back later at night. If he reacts negatively then that's just an early red flag to never speak to him again.
Thanks for responding, I have a really hard time with things like this.
No. 123294
>>123287Anon the plan of drinking and then sleeping over in a strange house sets off alarm bells. I get your thoughts of it being fun and wanting to be adventurous but hours away from home, drunk, with a guy you've had one previous two hour long date with… Girl set higher standards for yourself
And getting drunk for your first time fucking someone might ease your nerves but that's such an unhealthy way of experiencing sex and leaves you really open to being coerced
If he's expecting you to be in the same bed then the red flags are already there girl
No. 123296
I've woken up feeling irritated at my boyfriend. Im annoyed I can't have a normal sexual relationship with him for whatever reason he has (anxiety?). I want to fuck, and I want to be intimate and share the experience with him. If I want him to do anything remotely sexual to me, I have to wait until past 9pm and then its like a chore for him.
Im a virgin and we've been together for 2 years and I love him but it's so annoying. It pisses me off that I found this almost perfect guy and then our sexual incompatibility is just horrendous. He says he loves me, loves my body, he doesn't watch porn frequently (like once a month, usually when im at work) and refuses the idea that he's asexual. I just want a reason, a good reason why im not good enough to turn him on, we’re both young and I don’t understand it. I've tried everything even stepping out of my own comfort zone, getting fit by going to the gym, trying stuff I read online, wanting to try his kinks etc.He critiqued it at one point saying like "oh well putting on black underwear isn't enough". I bought lingerie and spent time making myself look better to try and ignite something in him and apparently, it's not good enough? But nothing else is either!?
I’ve spoken to him as honestly and openly as possible and it goes nowhere, I’ve cried to him, begged him to tell me what’s wrong and I just get” I don’t know”. He is going to therapy but not trying to do what the therapist suggests.
I know all I could do is wait for him or break up and both hurt equally. A part of myself is thinking to just try one more year and if nothing improves then I’ll have to leave him, but I feel horrible holding this thought whilst I live with him and tell him I love him. I just need some support because I can’t tell anyone about this in person.
No. 123298
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>>123275>>123277>>123282>>123283Thanks, that
really helped me! I guess I subconsciously decribed his behaviour as extroverted to excuse it for myself, while in reality he's acting quite childish and like a dog set off the leash.
I guess I'll need to be more assertive if anything develops between us. Because I have 0 love experience I'm not really sure what I can expect and demand. So it's reassuring to see I'm not being unreasonable and it's okay to ask him to tone it down. Again, thanks.
No. 123300
>>123299You need to decide how important sexual satisfaction is to you, if it is very important then you are within your rights to move on and find someone more compatible
We get so many women on here posting about being asexual and having highly sexed bfs so if he is asexual he might not have great difficulty finding a woman with a low or non existent drive.
You both deserve to feel content and sexually compatible with someone
No. 123305
>>123185>>123190>>123201Thanks for replying, my aim is to find a job asap because I don‘t like being this vulnerable. I‘m not sure if it was implied in my main post, but I meant he ONLY tries to initiate a breakup when I become detached and weary. Not during a heated argument or when he really disagrees with something. Only when I‘m like "whatever" instead of getting in his face about it.
After this time more evidence (I think) is pointing to him trying to get a reaction out of me.
This time it really affected me. He was persistent (until I was very upset) and said long term damaging things. But the evening and days afterwards, he said the opposite to most of those statements. Now from what I know of him he‘s not the type to lie, if it‘s an unpleasant truth he just won‘t bring it up. And right after the scary prospect of breaking up I don‘t want to question him on why he‘s saying he loves me now when he was saying he didn‘t a few hours ago.
He‘s fully back to acting the way he did beforehand, and seemed almost irritated I wasn‘t just plain relieved and happy we‘re still together like I usually am. But to me what he said had me questioning EVERYTHING and where I and the relationship stood. Breaking up is constantly on my mind and if I offhandedly mention it he gets upset and quiet, saying "why'd you have to bring it up?" and that he wasn‘t thinking about it. How could he not be thinking about it?! I bring up questions regarding logistics of therapy (a caveat to staying together), and he‘s less than interested about the details. This guy who was so insistent that these problems are relationship ending, who said that therapy is an absolute must to continue is now…it feels like he‘s trying to brush it completely under the rug again? If he wanted to break up, wouldn‘t he acknowledge the faults and problems brought up afterwards? Instead of being like "ah it‘s OK" when I ask him what‘s to be done better?
I think at best it‘s immaturity, at worst cruelty. But maybe it is something I‘m overlooking. He‘s never been in a serious relationship before (either romantic or platonic) so I feel like there‘s no baseline for him in what‘s an acceptable way to act. But I sure hope it‘s not him deliberately upsetting me.
No. 123323
>>123320Your second paragraph starts with 'I want a divorce' and that says it all really.
Maybe he'll emotionally blackmail you or fight dirty but he can't hold you hostage in a marriage you don't want. Might aswell rip the bandaid off and deal with the inevitable tantrum now rather than later
I've been with a controlling man who called all the shots and the weight that was lifted after leaving was immense
No. 123338
>>123320He agreed to no kids then changed his mind. He is emotionally
abusive. You owe him nothing.
No. 123341
>>123320>fat unhealthy clergyman who doesn't consummate his own marriage controls and berates you wants to also saddle you with his kids he told you he never wanted to haveRun away anon and live your life.
Let him figure out his own path between him and his God.
No. 123361
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"if you've got something good, don't let go of it"
How true is this?
I really love my boyfriend of 2 years. I find him attractive and we have a pretty good sex life. He treats me with love, even to the point of pampering me, but is still respectful of my desire to not feel tied down. He's been a near-perfect partner, on paper.
Some cons: he's white and can barely talk about race/gender issues besides nodding his head to whatever I say, which bores me. I don't expect him to have the same hobbies/fixations as me, but he has almost nothing of value to say about art/culture. He's not as proactive with stuff like cooking and cleaning.
The main thing is, I just feel bored… this is the longest and most stable relationship I've ever been in, by far.
I get infatuated with people easily, and the crushes always pass, but I feel guilty. Sometimes I even go on random dating apps/sites to look around and chat with random people (not sexting, just small talk, I always ghost). it kind of feels like window shopping.
It feels wrong and I feel really guilty because I feel like I'm REALLY toeing the line of emotionally cheating… but I know I would never cross the line into actually leading someone on or physically cheating. But like, have I already ruined the integrity of the relationship? My boyfriend has never hurt me. Am I on the path of ruining something good? If I break up with my boyfriend in search of a more invigorating relationship, am I just going to end up with another abusive guy again?
Many things to ponder, I have
No. 123371
>>123370sounds like a typical uwu sensitive boy who just wants you to do all the emotional labor
you can't make him like you or fall for you anon, just let him go and see what happens
No. 123380
>>123372I totally see your point, and I will discuss how infatuation naturally fades when I see him in person tomorrow. He isn't really up for putting in a ton of work, you're right… but I still think we can focus on him fixing the depression before our relationship.
Without a doubt we have these shared feelings of being soulmates. We have kissed and it felt like magic for years. Now it's just kissing. I can't explain it but he completely understands and I think we can fix it. Towards eachother, we have felt in ways we've never felt with anyone else. Even though the infatuation has left, we still have these things, that he knows is there and also doesn't want to lose.
I guess this is why this is so hard and messy. I know it sounds awful to drain myself but I would absolutely try my best to make this relationship work because I don't want to love anyone else really. This relationship is so unique… ugh
No. 123408
>>123370Regardless of mental health don't ever talk someone out of a break up once they start hinting at it, it only prolongs the death of the relationship
His complaint about a lack of infatuation is him saying 'fuck me more or we're breaking up' Then he sends you nudes afterwards lol, We have an uwu depresssed fuck-boy!
Don't waste your emotions on that shit
No. 123434
>>123361But why are you bored? You're either very spoiled and being a bitch to your boyfriend or don't really love him and a bitch to your boyfriend. You'd better stop this behaviour, sort out your feelings before you go on on this emotional cheating to him.
>>123370You sound very young, Anon. If he's really depressed, try to push him doing new stuff together and understand what you both really feel and if he's still in love with you, work on it. Love is not easy, and if it's the first serious relationship, it's not automatic you know how you feel when you're no more infatuated but still love the other person. Love is a living thing, it must change costantly and adapt on who you are in the moment. Talk a lot and try to decide if you want to go on on working on your relationship or letting go.
No. 123524
>>123504You don't need to provide men with a good reason or excuse for your lack of interest in dating them. I love when they pester you with "But why not?!?"
That's usually my cue to talk about how I'm sooo not attracted to them lol
No. 123537
how do i get over the fact that someone i poured my whole heart into for many, many, many years, and sacrificed so much for, and had so much hope for, literally does not care about me, has contempt for me and would not care if i died? not for good enough reason, imo. he will never change but i can't let go of the potential. that kills me. i see the relationship for its full potential and he only sees it negatively, always.
what bothers me is that i feel like he would care for me and love me if he knew me, but he doesn't, and won't ever know me because he doesn't want to get to know me. he assumes everything and completely shuts down all communication. when he does speak to me after ignoring me for days because he misses me, there is never any resolution. he refuses to resolve anything so he goes on holding onto issues that could be understood if he tried. he literally evades any attempt to address any issue. it's ineffably painful. i care so much for him and i know there's so much potential, but he wants to sabotage it because he misunderstands me.
No. 123547
>>123535Definitely yes. He is the one who came up to you and it doesn't sound like either of you is trying too hard to keep conversations going.
Just ask him if he'd like to hang out/get some drinks sometime. His response will probably provide some clarification as to whether or not he's interested romantically and if you're still not sure the actual meeting will change that.
No. 123563
>>123536>all of our friends know about it as he's started telling me he loves me in front of themHave you met this guy? Is telling you he loves you on his facetime calls or whatever?
You really need to meet in person ASAP. Spend a week together. All your questions will be answered.
No. 123572
>>123561thanks for responding, anon. i appreciate it. because all of the things he values, i possess, he just can't see it because of a few things: we met when i was a teen and i was forced into acting like a "cool girl" after having been abused and beaten down by my ex for being a prude and just, you know how society encourages us to take any and all shit and appease everything, and my
abusive dad is literally the biggest whore and honest to god sex addict, that i've ever seen. my fam refuses to let him use the same utensils or cups or towels as them, they're that sure he carries countless diseases. so, this really impacted the way i acted around men. (i wasn't a slut, just a cool girl – never shoe tier, but regarding speaking about sex, i was one). i met him when i was doing really poorly in terms of my mental health, finances, everything, like, my mom and i were on the verge of homelessness again, and i just generally tainted his view of me because i was not able to be myself around men, especially not when i was so vulnerable. this is the image he has of me still, essentially a 'cool girl' when the reality is so much different. i can't even explain how much it hurts to be so misunderstood and not seen, especially when you know this person would understand you and connect with you if they tried. i had admittedly lied about a few things to him because i knew he'd judge me harshly (he was a virgin, crazy jealous, hasty in assumptions and blowing up) and i cared about him so much and i knew he'd assume and i'd be misunderstood further. i felt like it was a very "damned if i do, damned if i don't" situation.
he misunderstands everything and most of our foundational experiences were built around a time in which i was being pretty heavily abused, and i always have been really dissociative both naturally thanks to trauma, and i was doing drugs or drinking almost all of the time, so i did things he hadn't approved of basically because when people guilted me when i was younger i'd cave for fear of being abused, but he thinks the way i spoke to people, how i felt, all of it was genuine. he read through my messages with other guys from when we weren't' dating (all guys i didn't have feelings for, and certain guys, when they'd pressure me, i'd tell them things they wanted to hear so they wouldn't call me a bitch for rejecting them or just abandon me during really vulnerable times) and he assumes still that i was attracted to these people when i really wasn't. he's almost 26 and has never gotten drunk, doesn't understand what it's like to be drunk or high on anything but weed, whereas most of my life i've spent trying to numb pain from abuse and i have done some regrettable things that he thinks were truly and honestly sexually motivated. if i had his life, i would've been exactly like him too, but i didn't, i suffered a lot and most of my life has been centered around mitigating and reducing abuse and the suffering i felt. he has no compassion for me because he thinks i'm a slut and a liar that WANTS to hurt him and enjoys hurting him. i didn't take him seriously when we first dated and i acted like a wacko because i had been nothing but abused and talked over and abandoned at that point, and he refuses to forgive me, he just thinks i'm a conniving asshole and a slut when he's so wrong. i would've never acted that way if i hadn't felt like other people would treat me better if i did, and i wouldn't have been so reactive if my entire life hadn't been abuse and abandonment and being told constantly by my whore dad that "all men cheat, men see sex like taking a shower, men lose interest and will cheat, that's normal and acceptable, sex is so important to men and relationships", and i am so jealous with literally the worst inability to control my emotions i've ever seen, so i really did act like a dismissive and reactive weirdo to him out of fear, etc. despite this, there's something really magical about our connection and he refuses to really see it. he seems to see it, but then he gets bogged down with just thinking negative stuff about me on a loop, that i'm untrustworthy and i don't love him, that i am a slut, whatever else negative he thinks. i know he doesn't care about me as he sees me, though, which i can't even blame him for, because he is not "seeing" me.
really sorry for the wall of text.
No. 123573
>>123547Thanks anon, I'll ask tomorrow since I know he'll be there at the same window of time I have a class cancelled.
He almost asked me to lunch today but I was already at home.
I guess I'm so unsure since I view obsessive clinginess as true interest, but I guess he might just be…healthy. Remarkable.
No. 123614
>>123572Honestly try to look into why exactly you like this guy, i‘m sure the reason isn‘t going to be pure love. Maybe he‘s the first romantic prospect to treat you nicely and not pressure you.
That said, he doesn‘t seem all that nice. It takes a real lack of empathy to not be sympathetic with someone who‘s gone abuse and sees their coping methods as just who they are. It‘s either a lack of empathy or complete disinterest. And if some day he‘s "convinced" you‘re not a conniving asshole and slut? Like those characteristics that are causing this isn‘t just a one off situation. That‘s him and that lack of empathy is going to come up over and over.
My guess is you see this as your ONE chance and nobody‘s ever going to get you like that, so you can‘t give up on him. I‘d really advise you do, you‘ll feel a freedom in voluntarily letting something bad like this go. I can say youll find someone else eventually, but that‘s not the point. Don‘t waste your time on this person who doesn‘t care to see you for you.
No. 123618
>>123563>>123601no, never any facetime - just selfies. i know it's him (this is mean to say) because he's a pretty plain/average looking guy who's pretty chubby. it doesn't really matter to me because his personality is incredible. he keeps up well and that's all that matters to me.
i brought it up and he said it'd be cool to get some dinner and talk. that's good news! however, my friend told me to be wary as he fears that if i fly down there, it'll go one of two ways: either we don't click and it ruins our friendgroup/interactions or we click way too well and we nosedive into something we're not ready for just yet.
thanks for the responses! i don't know how soon i'll be able to manage a flight across the country but more than anything i just hope he and i vibe as people.
No. 123689
I‘ve always left details out of posts for the sake of plausible deniability, but idk I think I need to give them.
So I‘ve had trouble believing that my opinions and feelings were listened to and cared about. My bf was invited out for a short holiday with coworkers, and when I expressed disappointment and discontent that I wasn‘t welcome his stance was a defensive "I don‘t care you‘re not coming, I want to go so I‘ll go", and that set off an ugly argument. My expectations of the thing changed around a lot, it eventually broadened to arguing about how much influence your partner had on what you do. I thought it was a matter of respect to ask your partner if it‘s alright to leave for several days, he thought no such thing is needed. I told him I don‘t feel heard or respected, end result being I‘ll join him over there after the holiday. He offered freely. But I‘d be arriving halfway through the last group day.
I ask him to come pick me up from the airport (very foreign, non euro country plus I was feeling bad about the whole thing) and he reassured me he would. Closer to the date he told me that there was an activity he wanted to do which meant I‘d be waiting 6+ hours if I wanted him to pick me up. He could cancel, but he wouldn‘t. End result I told him to give me detailed explanations on how to get from the airport to where we‘ll stay.
What I‘m having trouble with is that…it feels like he keeps crossing what actually matters to me, but he DOES seem to care about how I feel. He was willing to sacrifice a lot. Taking days off work, changing flights etc. Before he left he set us both up for a subscription to an activity which I know will keep me occupied. It was EXPENSIVE. He‘s written a kind letter for me to read whenever I feel annoyed at him when I‘m away. He‘s happy to pay for my individual therapy because I‘m a clingy, jealous, insecure person (I know this, it‘s not that he told me) and I don‘t like feeling that way. He‘s compulsively writing little details in a document to send to me with hints and tips about the country to make it easy as possible. It‘s now 10+ pages when I was expecting a text of the bus number basically. He‘s talked to people (which he hates doing) to give me more information. And of course, I‘ll be going on holiday.
So it‘s not like he has this complete disregard for me, and my requests can be unreasonable, but the way he‘ll say no to them can be so cruel (as in "I want to do it, so I don‘t care how you feel"). And some things ARE shitty from him, like assuring me he‘ll pick me up then going back on it. And I‘m fluctuating between resenting him for crossing those boundaries of mine that he‘s willing to do all those things in the aforementioned paragraph.
In this whole situation I‘m being treated like a total princess, right? Objectively I‘m seeing all the things he‘s doing for me, but emotionally it feels like I‘ve been walked over. I‘ll say something is important to me, but what he wants overrides that, and in exchange I get some luxury. But I don‘t know, it‘s hard to see this objectively.
My expectations are fucking high considering what‘s actually happening, right? It‘s always been about mutual respect in a relationship for me, not the monetary benefits. Hell we could be shit poor (and with exes I have been) and it‘d be fine so long as I knew every time a conflict came up we‘d think of how we could make it work together instead of thinking of how we get what we want.
I think I just want people to tell me to snap the fuck out of it and see how good I have it.
No. 123693
>>123691Samefag: my summary is you are treated as a humored afterthought.
The fact you feel upset or annoyed at him all the time is extremely related! (Meaningless/insignificant) acts of kindness to make up for larger acts of selfishness makes for a relationship rollercoaster, and makes him an unreliable partner. He's hurting you (symbolically speaking) and then buying the plaster to go over the wound.
No. 123730
>>123689You're being a bit needy, imo. It's called a compromise; you both get somewhat of something you want but not entirely one or the other's way.
You said you felt bad that he wasn't inviting you on the holiday and didn't ask your opinion beforehand.
After the altercation he reneged and let you join after a point which is a reasonable compromise for upsetting you. Btw it is not uncommon for other people on coworker holidays to go without their spouse's approval and tell their spouses that they can't go.
He changed his flights and altered his schedule, and he signed you up for an expensive activity.
Another great compromise.
The downside is that he told you he'd have to pick you up 6 hours later. Surely you could find something to occupy your time? The reason why he's compulsively typing a point to point itinerary after you voiced concern about that is so you cannot accuse him of not being considerate of you again.
I don't see where the problem is here.
No. 123732
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, we own a house together and live together though have not married. I’m not sure if I’m happy in this relationship. I have love for him, but not passion. My main issue is that we rarely ever do anything together (he shoots down most activities I suggest because he would rather stay home on his phone, hates crowded places/people), we’ve also hard arguments about the type of language he uses when we argue (condescending, makes no effort to understand why what he says is hurtful, etc). He’s also gained about 40+ pounds since we’ve been together so I’m not as attracted to him anymore, have suggested working out/doing activities together but nothing. I feel nothing when we have sex though to his credit he does try. I just feel like as far as the relationship goes he’s become complacent and maybe I’m just bored? He does have good qualities though (has helped me through rough times, is generally supportive and always willing to help me with whatever things as needed), but I find myself wondering if this is how I want to live for the rest of my life. It’s complicated because we own a house together but I’ve contemplated breaking up unless we can work on the relationship.
I also feel guilty because I’ve been texting a friend a lot (nothing sexual), I have a small crush on him and I wonder if it’s a sign that I need to end things. I wouldn’t cheat but I think I’m getting into emotional cheating territory and that worries me.
Has anyone been through something similar?
No. 123737
>>123736We’ve talked about this before, he says he is willing to work on some things but I don’t see him taking steps to do that. I know for a fact that he wouldn’t do counseling.
I just don’t know what’s realistic to expect from a relationship that is this long, do people in LTR always feel passion for each other or does it inevitably burn out? I understand that couples will always argue about things but I never expected to feel so dead emotionally.
No. 123743
>>123732Ew, sounds like he's taking you for granted and also doesn't respect you when there are arguments/things don't go his way. No wonder why you aren't attracted to him lmao. I'd really just straight up say the things you told us are ruining your attraction towards him. Certain types of people are selfish and won't change even if they know certain things upset their SO. But once it includes him (no attraction towards him = no sex) he'll straighten up.
Unfortunately it shouldn't be that way, but he seems to be that type
>>123737>do people in LTR always feel passion for each other or does it inevitably burn out?It only burns out once one party stops putting in effort. You don't spend much time together, he's disrespectful towards you, doesn't take care of himself (ie. doesn't care about looking good for you)… Taking each other for granted like that is usually the sign the relationship will die out. The other partner (you) will eventually get worn down by those things and start to resent their SO more and more. It can still be fixed but he needs to change. Or at least you both need to compromise on some things. Really it's up to you if you want to salvage this relationship.
No. 123751
>>123691>>123693Thanks, this gave me some more insight, I‘m glad for the validation. I‘ve been in poverty before so my friends think I‘m the luckiest and have nothing to complain about since I have this new comfortable life.
>he is not prepared to drop anything or change to make you happyThe thing is…I don‘t know what is a reasonable expectation with "changing". I‘ve had issues with being controlling before so I‘m very wary of it. I didn‘t go into the relationship thinking he‘d be great if he changed X character flaw, but I do expect at least a conversation over altering behaviour that clashes when it comes up. I honestly don‘t know what is and isn‘t a reasonable expectation in these situations. His attitude is that he shouldn‘t change something he wants to do to make me happy because my feelings are my responsibility, and I argue back that you should just…by default care about how your partner feels.
He‘s been alone. His whole life. No partners, no real close friends until me, at nearly 30 years old. When a friend or parent visits then goes, he never misses them or is sad to see them go or excited to have them arrive, for that matter. I think the loneliness affected him significantly and he thinks first and foremost about himself and what he wants and that attitude is deeply ingrained. Currently he thinks the fault lies with me for being too demanding of changes in behaviour, but we‘ll do couples counseling and maybe then he‘ll listen when someone else tells him his selfish actions help develop this insecurity. Because I wasn‘t like this when I was single or with other exes. I didn‘t have to insist that they should care about how I feel and take some kind of action towards it because it was just…done.
If he‘s resistant to the idea of being less self centered and won‘t try to change that aspect after seeing it in counseling, then it‘ll be time to drop the relationship. I‘m in a new country with him with no social net, no job and reliant on him so it‘s a very scary prospect. But every time he‘s like "yeah you feel bad but that‘s not my responsibility" it‘s like…my feelings are invalidated a little more, and eventually I‘ll stop expressing it because all it leads to is that he knows how I feel, but still goes ahead and I hurt. Which is a crazy thought because I‘m known to be an emotionally open and vulnerable person, but every time he seems to just see it as an inconvenience to fix.
No. 123780
>>123776Should be his decision but he's being indecisive and that's not nice to you. You don't sound very committed to keeping him, he doesn't sound very committed to keeping you.
Lingering in a doomed relationship, even a short time, isn't always the worst, but it often ends in unnecessary hurt.
Explore whether you want to take that risk, and don't let him be so non-committal about it in future.
No. 123832
>>123776If he's made up his mind about going to grad school, it's completely up to you to decide whether you think it's worth it to invest in a relationship that may potentially end in a year. If you really don't want go through an LDR again, it might be best to tell him the truth and end it before getting too attached. Just as he has every right to follow his career dreams, you have every right to end it if you don't think you can handle the possibility of him leaving in a year.
It's weird because I'm in a similar position to you, but I'm the one who'll be leaving to go to grad school. I've also just started dating someone who is planning to stay in the city for another five years, so it's pretty much guaranteed that we won't be seeing much of each other after a year. Anyway, the point of saying this isn't to blogpost, but I don't think you should leave the decision to him. If the guy I'm dating left it up to me, I'd be totally fine with dating and then either shifting to a LDR or just breaking up when I have to move. I would expect that if he had any objections to that, he would tell me as otherwise I'd assume he was on the same page, so I don't think your boyfriend is necessarily being indecisive. If you really think it's going to be a problem, you should probably end it as he may be totally okay with the situation and assume that you are too. Sometimes people have different priorities in life (education vs settling down) and that can be okay, but if you want a boyfriend who will prioritize a longterm relationship as much as you do, it might be better to look elsewhere.
No. 123908
>>123907Honestly, I'm not sure if the anxiety came from me being by myself for too long or if I prefer to be by myself because I started getting anxiety.
I'm definitely an introvert, but extroverted things still look fun. So I'm leaning towards the latter. I can be social if I have to, it's just exhausting and I'd hate to have to keep that up repeatedly just to find someone that I want to spend time with.
No. 123909
>>123908You're very introverted, it's probably that it's the anxiety that is tiring you out. To be hyper aware in every social situation takes a toll, and it results in avoidant behaviour. Some people say gradual conditioning themselves back into more active social lives helps.
I don't have any personal experience but I'd say that alot of people on this site talk about that alot. You could try mingling with people with people you trust and let them do all the talking if you feel tired.
No. 123910
>>123909Thanks for the advice. I'll ask around and see what's up.
I do think I'm already working my way into being more social, not turning down requests to go to bars to drink with coworkers and the like–I would say it's just a matter of turning situations like that into potentially romantic situations (not that I mean to date my coworkers)
But it's nice to know I'm heading in a decent direction.
No. 123911
>>123904Tinder or similar dating apps. You can find other ‘loners’, tbh it’s probably a more common characteristic among men anyway (I’m assuming you’re a woman seeking a man).
Just take it easy & don’t worry about it. Maybe try just finding a FWB first if it’s the commitment / socialization that stresses you out.
No. 123912
>>123911Tinder and Bumble come to mind, but are there any decent ones outside of that?
To follow up on FWBs
If I'm the type to really want to know and like someone before having sex, would a FWB be a good idea or a bad one?
Because it doesn't seem like too many FWBs transition into relationships.
I'm definitely into commitment, but the socialization that comes before it is what I'm really needing to know more about.
No. 123913
>>123910You are doing great, good luck with it!
Oh and tinder is a questionable option, there's nothing more tiresome than going through a million conversations with guys who usually just want quick hookups.
No. 123933
>>123922That could be the case.
I only ask because he does this somewhat often and it makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
No. 123951
>>123920I know from experience that this exact type of manipulation sucks the life out of you. Maybe he'll get the message if enough women dump his ass for pulling that shit
He wants control, wants you to question your sanity, wants you to beg him to listen, he wants you to defend yourself when you've said nothing offensive.. dump him before your mental health takes a beating
No. 123981
>>123975You're probably thinking how if there was any way to salvage this that you'd do it in a heartbeat. Yet you've done everything you needed to do already. You've had the talks, you've explained your feelings, and still this person persists in writing you off.
3 years is a long time to emotionally invest and love somebody, but don't turn it into 5 or 10 years over someone who doesn't listen or see you. It's called a sunk cost fallacy anon, don't get sucked in.
No. 124003
>>123995Your friend has no idea what gaslighting is.
>was i the bad guy or was he?Depends on the context and how sincere his intention to break up was. If he genuinely can't handle the burden of someone else's mental health issues, he's not the bad guy. If he threatened to break up with you just to shut you up, he's the bad guy.
But why the fuck would you make fun of someone's poor english? I wouldn't blame him for reconsidering the relationship over you being nasty to him.
No. 124010
File: 1569240647947.jpeg (78.09 KB, 482x549, 688EB682-8664-46A7-BF0B-166F6B…)
Is there such thing as Madonna/whore complex in women?? I recently noticed that I have a pattern in relationships. I would go back and forth between dating an abusive asshole and dating a safe loving man. I’d be the high libido cool girl gf in the abusive chaotic relationship. But I completely regress and get sex-repulsed most of the time in an objectively healthy and loving relationship. I think my good guy bf is starting to ask himself where the sexual and spontaneous girl he meet before has gone…
No. 124013
>>124010You don't find the safe option as exciting, sounds like you chase the chemical high of chaotic relationships
Any kinks you could try out with the safe guy to make him appear more exciting? like a change of role just in the bedroom
No. 124083
File: 1569357511355.png (29.39 KB, 174x174, tumblr_pujzdxhqiz1wawrrwo1_250…)
hey guys. I have a crush and need some lesbian advice. How to tell if a girl is into you? I feel like it's very hard to distinguish if a girl wants to be your friend or to be with you.
I have a crush on this one girl and I would love to start dating. I know that she's lesbian and she knows I'm into girls, too. I often catch her looking at me, and when we meet we always hug. Sometimes the touches are longer that a friend would do. My problem is that she's living with another bi girl. We're also studying together, and I think some people want to avoid dating classmates.
No. 124097
>>124083Most wlw will just never talk about it or even try to approach other women, that's why we joke about lesbians being absolutley useless at dating. My take is to be casual about it, if you don't want to be predatory like men. Tell her that you think it would be great for the two of you to go out sometime, only if she wants to ofc.
And dating fellow classmates it's not that bad, if things don't work just be mature about it and try not to end in bad terms so you can still work with them
No. 124148
I think this subject has already been brought up, buuut here it goes
I’m on a ldr and it’s been unbearable to communicate with my bf online. In 3 years of relationship, his efforts to talk to me through text kinda died.
No matter what I’m saying, he’ll only respond with “nice”, “great” or ask me about subjects I like that he clearly isn’t interested in (that I kinda stopped talking about because I noticed how he never pays attention to what I’m saying and never remembers things I told him).
I find it so strange because he stays literally the whole day chatting with friends via text and I know he doesn’t ever stop with them, even though they live close by and can meet to talk anytime they want. Like, he doesn’t stop messaging them even when he’s with me, I already had to ask him to put his phone down during meals and any other situation.
With me, I just feel like he isn’t that interested in starting any type of conversation though. When we meet, things are way better on that field, but we spend most of the months speaking online.
I don’t know how to talk about this with him because whenever I tell him about something negative on our relationship, it becomes a fucking snowball, doesn’t matter how softly I try to word it. He always turns the smallest problems into something enormous and literally drains all my energy.
So yeah, please send help
No. 124158
>>124148doesn't sound like a relationship to me.
>whenever I tell him about something negative on our relationship, it becomes a fucking snowball, doesn’t matter how softly I try to word itthen why try to sugarcoat it? doesn't matter what you say, the outcome is always the same.
you're unhappy. a relationship is a two way street. he has to put effort in too.
dump him.
No. 124159
>>124148Anon, relationships are like a garden. Sometimes when the garden's sparse, you can still save it. Making sure to plant new seeds, water it every day, and check that the temperature and soil is just right.
But if you've been doing all those things and have yet to bear the fruits of your efforts, it's time to move on and seek other lands.
This guy sounds like a dud, don't you think after three years of trying to make this work that you deserve someone who could bear to talk with you and at least pretend to be interested in what you like?
Don't get stuck in a sunk cost fallacy believing that if you only try to put more and more into making this work that it will pay off. Would you be okay if at year five nothing's changed? If not, leave now.
No. 124164
>>123975Hey same situation, but only a year in. I‘ve gone from someone open about how I feel to being reluctant and worrying if what I‘m feeling is irrational or whatever.
I feel like I‘m falling into this trap. That I repeat myself in arguments and that I‘m insecure, but if he just heard and made an effort and wasn‘t so unstable when it comes to how he feels, I think these things would go. I wouldn‘t keep pushing if he actually tried.
Anyway, at some point I was telling him how I feel and he said it‘s ridiculous I feel that way. I told him it‘s difficult to remain an open person to someone so closed up. That all I get is criticism for trusting him enough to be honest and unfair that he won‘t offer anything to make himself vulnerable, that he only attacks.
We‘ll be going to couples counseling and I hope that‘ll open avenues for him to communicate and generally be more open.
If not, I won‘t be wasting 3 years. You can‘t make someone love you, care about you and make an effort for you. It sucks because when there are no issues (given his rug sweeping there rarely are) it‘s a happy relationship. But that doesn‘t cover the scope of a serious, long term relationship.
I‘m lucky because I‘ve had previous relationships where the bf‘s passion to work things out matched mine, and it all felt so much healthier than this. I didn‘t question myself like I do these days.
sage because honestly I‘m trying to tell myself this more than anything else. It feels so easy to slip into complacency.
No. 124242
>>124174>I told him that I don’t know if I can make him anything else for presents cause it hurts I never have had anything back Sounds totally fair to me. Maybe it might be nice for you two to do a craft project together if you want to open up some creativity, such as learning a skill together or something as simple as working as a team to assemble a cute terrarium with a little scene inside.
You should stop comparing yourself to girls he flirted with before you got together though, you've been together three years now.
>>124227It's good you're direct, everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff and it's only a problem when it causes problems. Why not ask your partner how he feels about it? Is he as open as he would like to be and does he want you to open up more?
No. 124258
>>124249I'm just afraid of giving off the redflag of escalating too quickly and being clingy. I don't have borderline or anything but I do get excited about new people in my life.
You're probably right though. I need someone to match my energy.
No. 124389
Is my relationship over?
I‘m clingy and bf is avoidant when it comes to disagreements, so fights are long and ugly because I don‘t back off, because otherwise the issue won‘t work out.
So he never has constructive opinions on how things work out. He never has and as soon as shit gets tough he backs out. At best it‘s been asking me "so what should we do?". And he wants to break up, reasoning being the ill feeling from fighting ugly, like all the issues he has stems from this.
We‘ve now set up an appointment with a therapist, but he remains hopeless. Personally, I don‘t like being the one with no shame asking him to have hope when I‘m met with a stony face. But we‘ve invested in the long term, currently I have no means to support myself (though I‘m searching hard for a job) and a whole lot would go to shit because we‘re both in a foreign country. I find us compatible in everyday and future things and most importantly happy when we don‘t disagree on something, so I think it can work out IF we both learn how to argue in a healthy way and not build resentment.
At the same time I won‘t accept a one sided relationship where I‘m not getting the respect, love and consideration I believe I deserve. But I‘d like to try professional help, before giving in myself fully. But is there even a chance at this point from his end? He‘s told me yes it would be good if things go well in therapy, but stays in this state of negativity.
No. 124391
>>124389This sounds unhealthy as fuck from both of your sides. Why would either of you even want to stay together when the dynamic is so glaringly unhealthy?
You should be single and work on your clinginess so that you can feel validated without constant reassurance. He should learn to communicate his emotions like an adult instead of ignoring shit.
No. 124393
>>124391Well my hope is that the dynamic can be healthier with therapy.
He has a habit of saying damning things during an argument (eg I don‘t care for you|this relationship) then when things stabilize he‘ll go back on it like it never happened. Because I think he emotionally shuts off, then when the feelings come back "on", it‘s like fine. Which is why I‘m wondering if a proper proposal to break up at this point (still with emotional shutdown though) does kind of seal the deal that it‘s over for good.
I mean, in other relationships i‘ve never had insecurity this bad, because I was given some sort of assurance in the first place, because exes could actually talk instead of me having to ask for it. It‘s snowballed into this negative feedback thing. I was never really a crier until this relationship. So personally I think it‘s salvageable IF we both work on ourselves. But at the same time I‘m bad at telling when things are over.
No. 124394
>>124393Therapy might help but the relationship seems to be built on shit. Is the amount of work needed to get on track really worth it?
Months and months that he may not even contribute to…all that gruelling emotional labour to learn about ‘I statements’ and love languages and effective communication can have fantastic results if you’re both committed but this is a guy who says ‘I don’t even like you’ and essentially ends the relationship because of a disagreement. Is he indicating any willingness to attend therapy and look st his behaviour critically?
No. 124404
>>124389I hate avoidant men.
I'm not trying to sound too biased in your favor anon, but no couple should ever go to bed angry. He needs to stop being a coward and actually stick around to talk shit out with you, and you need to constructively state your beef without getting too aggressive. History will repeat itself in either of your future relationships if you don't learn from this.
Sorry to say anon, but when a man says he wants to break up that's usually the death blow to a relationship. He's already checked out.
I think for your own sake what with you not having a job, you should try to keep things afloat for now. But once you get a job and get your independence back, dump him and seek a relationship with the respect you deserve from it. Make sure your next man has some balls.
No. 124406
>>124389"relationship where I‘m not getting the respect, love and consideration I believe I deserve"
Anon you have nothing to even work with here. This ship will sink no matter what you try
No. 124420
>>124412>i wouldn't dare break up with him on the phone or textWhat's your reasoning that this isn't a legitimate option in the case of an LDR?
You're telling me it's better for this guy to build up hope for your next meet and then you either a) Knock his blocks down by saying you want to dump him right off the bat of it, or b) You pretend your way through the meet with your intentions of dumping him before he leaves thus giving him ammo to hate you for essentially being a fake the entire time?
No offense but this is a virtual relationship, it's not like you've had a serious irl commitment.
It sucks to be the "bad guy" to end a relationship when the other person didn't necessarily do anything wrong. However that's all you gotta say and you could probably say it better in an email or something anyway. All you need to explain is that you didn't develop any romantic feelings but it's not because of something he did. Be honest in that you still don't want to lose him as a friend.
You might have to accept the possibility that you'll lose him too.
No. 124432
>>124412as someone who was in a similar situation last year, the sooner you break up with him the better. DON'T wait to do it in person, it'll make things that much worse.
He's going to invest a lot of his energy and time to come visit you with the assumption that everything is going well and it'll be a pleasant trip. He's going to be blindsided by you dumping him, especially since you said you guys had fun together this last time.
It'll be easier for you and him if you're just honest now. Breakups always suck but it's going to get worse the longer you drag it out.
No. 124447
File: 1569922721815.jpg (99.94 KB, 1024x1019, 1556656023335m.jpg)
>Move in with BF, we go 50/50 on bills but I work much longer hours than him; usually get in after 20:00 every night while he gets in 15:00 at the latest
>We have a set weekly meal plan, he cooks on two nights whilst I cook for the rest
>On Mondays I leave food ready for him to cook when he gets in, there's always enough for both
>He only cooks for himself
>I get in when he wants to go to sleep and have to stand there cooking my own meal
>I've tried explaining to him that I find it upsetting that he can't even consider the fact that I'm tired and want to eat after another long day
>He says he didn't cook for me in case he didn't do it right, and it would be cold by the time I get home
>He's literally seen me get in and reheat whatevers there in a microwave to eat
>He's now being short-tempered and stand offish with me
>I also do all the cleaning and ironing on my days off
Am I being unreasonable or what? I literally cannot fathom his thought process at the moment.
>Anonette finishes late tonight and has a long drive home, better get myself something to eat so I can get a couple hours on the Xbox!
No. 124450
>>124447no you're not being unreasonable.
Have you tried talking with him about it? Considering he's being stand offish there might be something that bothers him as well. You need to clear the air before it blows out of proportion. I also feel the household chores could be divided more fairly considering you're working longer days than he is.
No. 124451
>>124450I spoke to him last night about it, and that's why he's being standoffish; throwing out excuses instead of acknowledging that I have a point or apologising.
Will report in once I've spoken to him tonight.
No. 124476
>>124470>>124455Got home and he'd already cooked dinner for the next few days in advance.
Didn't apologize, but I'm glad he listened :)
No. 124513
File: 1570018440420.jpeg (26.79 KB, 686x386, EFKBTZZX4AU8QWh.jpeg)
>>124511girl do we actually gotta tell you he's a baldfaced pedo
he's a baldfaced pedo. i recommend finding a male who actually enjoys an adult body over… fucking 14 year olds lmfao holy shit
No. 124518
>>124511The DDLG thing is one thing when it's two -adults- taking part in it together but when he's 21 and looking at 14 year olds who role play even younger… sounds like he has an attraction to a certain age group, one that can't consent
Oh and he's not even ashamed enough to try and hide it.. I'm surprised your gut isn't already telling you to run anon
No. 124527
>>124522Ah ok. I thought he was following them because of the shared interest of DDLG, so why is he following them then? Cos he fancies 14 year olds?
Anon if you're not trolling you're really downplaying some massive red flags there
No. 124532
>>124527I don't fucking know maybe he just likes their feeds and I'm overreacting
He happens to follow many girls and some happen to be 14-17 but is that enough to really be worried about and jealous of idk
No. 124541
>>124532Anon you wouldn't be here mentioning this to us if you didn't already think this is dodgy as fuck, so why can't you accept a handful of women confirming that yes it is dodgy and there is no excuse for a 21 year old man taking so much interest in 14 year old girls
I wouldn't even confront or argue the issue with him, I'd cut him out of my life if I were in your place
No. 124571
>>124532As plenty of other anons have said, yes, this is creepy and you should dump him.
He's 21, he has no business following 14 year old girls online. It would be weird even if he wasn't in to DDLG - and that bit of context makes it twice as gross. Orbiting teenaged girls on insta to get your degenerate fetish satiated?! Not okay.
Besides the blatant red flags for 'chases underage tail', do you really respect yourself that little to date such an actual degenerate? Dude's nasty. Dump him. Don't be his friend, either.
No. 124575
>>122983my relationship is getting to a "dull" stage. we've been together for 2 years now. i'm 20 and he's 26. we live together and our daily routines dont really change that much… go to work/school, come back home,eat,watch tv…kind of like an old couple that's been together for years. i kind of miss when we were first dating and how much he wanted me(sexually). he says he loves me of course but i feel like it's not the same. i don't know. this is the first serious relationship i have…
what should i do to bring back that spark in our lives? i love him a lot and don't wanna lose him.
No. 124590
>>124575You guys are in totally different, incompatible life stages. It wont work out, whatever you try.
He's not trying to bring the spark back himself because this arrangement suits him, which is normal for his age and xp lvl. You want to, because that's what people at your age and xp lvl are looking for.
But do you really want to settle at 20?!?! Without knowing anything else the world has to offer?
It's time for you to part ways. And time to get that first xp point - learning when and why to break up a serious relationship.
Hint: love is never enough. You need a lot of other things to make a relationship work, and one of the major ones is compatibility. You don't have that. You should both look for someone more compatible with your age-appropriate desires and goals.
No. 124607
>>124575Relationships do tend to get like that after a couple of years living together but at 20 you shouldn't be in that dull of a situation. It seems like the age gap is too much given how young you are
If you were older I would suggest working on the spark but at 20 you might just be settling down much too early
No. 124608
>>124586The search history is worrying
Alot of couples don't spend Christmas together after only a few months of dating though, 4 months is a pretty short period of dating so maybe you are more attached right now than he is?
I would suggest talking to him about Thailand and it's reputation when it comes to sex tourism.. it's the exact reason why alot of guys go on men-only holidays there so I would be suspicious about that
No. 124641
>>124631Why does it have to be your burden to bear? You didn't make any vows, you tested the waters of a relationship like any other person does and decided that the situation isn't for you.
BTW-some men use their medical disabilities to guilt women into dating them, esp women who would normally be out of their league. It's a form of coercion, and it looks like you're being suckered in.
You don't have to be mean, but you don't owe him anything. Why don't men like that hunt for other women with equally serious conditions if they want someone to truly empathize? You're holding yourself back in your youth for him and it's not right. You have options.
No. 124648
>>124641>Why don't men like that hunt for other women with equally serious conditions if they want someone to truly empathize?I mean, you can't say that they haven't. I'm not sure painting the guy as manipulative with so little information is helpful to anyone.
That being said,
>>124631 doesn't sound like a situation that's going to improve for either of you over time. Definitely sounds like you just need to break up with him and be as honest as possible. I can't guarantee it'll turn out wonderfully but I can guarantee that trying to keep a relationship going based on guilt will end catastrophically.
No. 124695
>>122983I feel like a terrible person.
I was completely obsessed with this older guy for the past two years. I had never fell completely for someone before him. Everything about us was compatible and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. Last spiring, I used to wait for him before his classes with baked goods hoping I could win him over (I never gave them to him because tbh, that was a little creepy)
Last summer we started hanging out often and I felt that things were developing, but he told my best friend that although he was interested, he didn't want to start a relationship right before he started at university. Then autumn came and he left, and I was left alone.
After months of moping I knew I had to move on. I started dating my current boyfriend last November. I knew that him and the other guy had been friends in the past, but since guy #1 was out of the picture I didn't think it would be a big deal.
Now it is. We all ended up at the same university and I sit next to guy #1 in two of my classes. He's super into me now and while I love my boyfriend, I just feel like me and the first guy are meant to be. I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend, but we fight about so many stupid things (politics and our future together are big ones). I just think I would be so much happier with the first guy, but I dont want to hurt my boyfriend by breaking up with him for our mutual friend. I have no idea what to do. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I feel like its inevitable at this point…
No. 124698
>>124648>>124648I know a cripple who enjoys guilt tripping women into getting into a relationship with him. Then cheats on them with girls he guilt tripped into doing stuff with him by pulling the 'I never got to lose my virginity before I got into this situation' spiel.
Just because someone has medical issues, doesn't mean they are innocent and harmless. Don't assume it would be incredibly hard for him to find someone else to date, you'd be surprised.
No. 124729
>>124695>. I love my boyfriend, but we fight about so many stupid things (politics and our future together are big ones)I think you have a very clear idea about what to do. Do not ever be together with someone out of pity or fear of hurting them.
I wouldn't be this happy with the man of my life if I didn't heard my gut about my boyfriend, who also was bestfriends with my ex.
No. 124741
>>124096Eh, I think women are different than men in that we can have many "types."
Personally I love tall shy skelly girls, but also chubby alt girls, but also small butch girls, etc.
Point is she's probably not comparing you at all.
No. 124743
I didn't know where to post this so I just give up and decided to put it here. (Sorry for the incoming bad English, I'm not a native speaker)
I have a psychotic depression (this is important for the context) it's similar to bipolar disorder in a lot of things, 2 years ago I ended my longest relationship until now, it use to be a long distance relationship, but used to go to visit several times in a year, and I was the one who went to visit his house in another state since for me it was like a short vacation also it was easy to go than dealing with my family issues at home (my father never liked never liked the idea of having men in the house, we where 3 women living alone since my parents are separated). There were good times, but also a lot bad things mostly caused by him that finally destroy the trust inside the relationship, this didn't help with mental health, I used to suffer long periods of severe deppresion and psychosis that got worse with the pass of time, my last diagnosis was when I was 19 yrs old, when the shit hit the fan
I was 25 that was when the second serious suicide attemp happened, he knew about it but not my family, they support me to get medical help again and try to get a new diagnosis so I ask him to come, he was my boyfriend and also it was a very delicate time where any kind of emotional support was welcome, even my mother talked to him explaining that his presence could ve a great help, it was hard for her since it was only me and my younger sister, if any kind of medical emergence happened she would need extra help to carry me to the hospital in the worst case. A month passed, he didn't came,
I asked one more time, 3 months passed, I started my new medication and everything starts to go better than ever, now with a more stable mind and started to think with clarity I finally realized that the relationship didn't contribute anything positive in my life at that point, there were still feelings of course, but the trust was literally destroyed over and over and leave me in that could
be leading in a possible death made decided to put an end.
He didn't like it, and lived in denial for a year, but finally we stay as "friends", but he always mentioned how much wanted to go back together wherever the chance appears (we lived in a three world
country, our original plan was to move out together someday). A week ago he said that got a new gf, that's fine for me, still feel a bit hurt remembering the good time and how everything went to shit
but life must go on, the problem is that now he always mentions her and post things about her in places that he KNOWS I'm gonna see it, I don't use social media anymore, just DM's, he also doesn't like
to share his personal life, but until he made me know about his new gf this kind of thing started from nowhere, pictures, drawing, states, a lot of stuff per day for someone who doesn't used to be like this.
I'm not a paranoid person (even with my now more stable brain) but the highly suspition that all of this if being made with malicious intentions towards me is there.
I now that I'm gonna forget all about this in a few months, but still feels like shit. There's the option of block him or delete his contact but still he hasn't done anything "too bad" since we split out
to that, I rather just ignore his things.
But still, in this very moment feels like shit.
No. 124749
>>124743Yeah it's definitely intentional. They always think they're being subtle, but theyre laughably transparent when they're trying to show the new gf to the old one.
Its pretty clear youre not as chill as you say you are about moving on, otherwise why do you care. And why do you feel hesitant to block him if he's upsetting you.
You made the decision that he wasn't good for you but you're not following through, you still allow him to do it. Either ask for him back and deal with the stuff you don't like about him or block him.
No. 124773
>>124743Any ex who directly messages you with pictures of their new gf/bf is wanting to make you feel bad. Unless you said you're okay with that, it's very unusual, tone deaf, and uncaring. Tell him to get some mates if he needs someone else to share his pictures with.
You're using the fact that he has not done anything 'too bad' to cling on because you're not over him. Sister, keeping contact with him is only going to make you feel worse in the long run. I'm friends with a few exes myself, but none of them disrespected me like that post breakup.
No. 124782
>>124749>>124764>>124773Thank you all for your honest opinions.
I didn't express my feelings towards all the situation since it was kind of a vent, I'm not very used to do that
but I wanted to hear a different point of view. The thing that mades me feel upset is the malicious intentions in a "friendship" context, I was naive to expect a mutual relationship of respect and maybe empathy as people who are not
together anymore as a couple but that shares a lot of things in common, such as type of work, tastes, people in common, etc.
Even after the breakup there was some apparent mutual concern for each other (at least it was what I used to think), not overly attached but enough to share opinions and advices on some life/work related things, but this thing showed me that he was a worst person that I imagine. I strongly believe that a relationship between people can work differently after a break up and that a light friendship is possible, he was (I must admit) a little selfish bitch as a boyfriend
but he used to be a funny chill guy as a friend, for that main reason I used to keep some affection for him knowing that we shared a lot of things when we used to be together, as I said before, finding out more of his true color even out of a relationship is what makes me bitter. And of course I give you all the reason, and I already made the choice before the vent of letting die any kind of comunication from now on.
I'm doing fine now and taking care of myself and the other aspects of my life, it was just the kind of things that makes you bitter for some moments and it's a completely new experience for me,
since all of my previous relationship endend in a more drastic way without any chance of futher communication.
No. 124804
>>122983My ex broke up with me last year in such a shitty way, we were living together and he planned to go on a solo holiday cos my anxiety was so bad I knew I couldn't travel. The day that he's due to leave he breaks up with me.. and then while I'm still crying over the unexpected news he's packing MY hitachi vibrator into his suitcase for his away
I'm home alone for what turned into ten days panicking over where I'm meant to live after this. He ignores all contact except for one phone call where he screams at me. He comes home and talks about how great his new gf is. His suitcase has both my sex toys in it and packaging from new ones that they bought.. all carefully left out for me to see
I have a month to find a place to live, he initiates sex with me nightly despite his new fantastic gf that he brags about. I'm an idiot and fuck him half of those times. I move house and from time to time he texts me to check how I am doing and tell me things like him getting a kitten with his gf
A year later I get a new gf myself and he stops his usual texts as soon as he hears this, he wanted to rub his happiness in my face for the last year after I did nothing to upset him in the first place. I hate men
No. 124813
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>>124810I wasn't going to reply because I'm more of non-participating lurker, but we are similar. I like to draw, write, concept, and talk in-depth about world building and story telling. If you hide your authentic self, you are going to be miserable.
I had a boyfriend last year, and I attempted to make myself less nerdy and more "appealing" by not sharing my passions, but it just upset me more and made me a shell of a person. It is more fulfilling to find the people that love those features about you, rather than trying to fit with the people who reject your passions. I'm just a random stranger on the internet… but never settle for dumb fools you can't be your complete, whole self with. There are so many people out there who share your same hobbies. Spending time on the internet sometimes feels hopeless and reductive (I definitely know this all too well). There are people out there that are hoping to meet a person like you, with your hobbies. Don't hide what you love anon!!!! You are you!!!
No. 124817
>>124810I cannot fathom how or why fanfic as a hobby would become a problem in dating or attracting people. Why would you even bring it up unless you're already extremely close? Nothing wrong with liking fic, I sure do, but talking about it openly is sheer autism. It's a private hobby that doesn't need to be shared with others. If you're driving people away it's the sperginess, not the hobby.
Changing the way you interact socially isn't really changing yourself as a person, just putting your best foot forward and becoming more open over time.
No. 124824
>>122983An update to this:
We have our first couples therapy appointment very soon. Through reading the replies I decided that as the relationship is, I‘m not currently satisfied and am looking for a job to regain independence and leave ASAP. If the bf actually takes in what‘s wrong with his behavior and works on them while I‘m doing this, I‘ll continue to try work on it.
So things happened as I envisioned, he‘s been acting very considerate and caring the past week, and it seems genuine because usually he‘ll be clearly passive aggressive otherwise. It‘s very tempting to get comfortable again but he hasn‘t actually said anything affirming since saying the shit that destabilised our relationship. And I‘m now always consciously aware that the only reason things are going OK is because nothing‘s come up that goes against what he wants.
I don‘t know how to approach the therapy. Do I come straight out the gate and list all the shit? Or take a gentler approach?
Something showcased his 180 in attitude to a T. So on the form it was asked what we want to address in therapy. In the moment he was going to write he wants to break up, and that‘s it. But he ACTUALLY wrote it 2 days afterwards, and the only thing related to the problems he just wrote "we‘re having difficulties", otherwise it was this light hearted thing about us and how we met, not directly saying any issues whatsoever.
So I‘m worried that because he‘s fine, he‘ll act as if nothing is wrong and we won‘t progress. Alternatively, if problems ARE brought up that he‘s uncomfortable with then he‘ll adopt a shitty unhelpful attitude designed to push me away.
No. 124829
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>>124810Anon, believe me, people who sincerely like you will like you no matter how much or how little you "fit" in. Not even speaking about romance here, just in general! You'll know it right away when it happens: you'll meet someone who will be happy to hear you talk even if they don't share your exact same interests, and they'll never make you feel like you don't matter. Don't settle for anything less anon! Ganbatte!
No. 124860
>>124817Not all fanfiction is weird erotic stuff, so I don't think that it should be an issue any more than any other specific writing habit. I think expanding universes has its own kind of wonder rather than creating something from scratch.
But really, the fan fiction was just an example–that's not the first thing I talk about nor is it the biggest thing I'm into.
No. 124906
>>124865Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This one is so sweet.
Just take it slow. There's no need for anything more than shallow while you're getting to know each other. If you develop further feelings for him, follow them. If not, you can say bye. Don't be hung up on commitment, check to see if it's going anywhere before you worry about where it's going.
No. 124923
I don't have anyone to turn to and I really need some sort of outside view of my problem with my boyfriend.
For background info, me and my boyfriend are in a LDR for about a year and a half now. Both in our early twenties, we met online and we've lived together for a month, 10 months in our relationship then he had to go back.
Last night on video call, we were about to sleep and he asked me "Have you ever faked an orgasm with me?" I replied and said, "Never. Except that one time when we were together and immediately told you I didn't cum after you came and told you I wanted to go again."
He was taken aback by this and told me I lied to him before and because he said I told him before that I never faked an orgasm not even one time. He tried masking his saltiness as a meme and said "I'm never going to do it with you again, Good night."
I HATE it when he does this. I've told him a million times that I can not sleep if he ends the night like that because I become very irritable to even sleep because I WOULD want to explain myself but he does this all the effing time because he has no problem sleeping.
I ended up staying up til the 4 in the morning because my mind was racing and I was just annoyed that when I tried talking to him last night, no matter how I said "hello?" he just shut his eyes and went to sleep.
Next day, I told him "I apologize for coming off aloof, I wasn't able to sleep well so I'm not in a right head space." then proceeded to ask him if he was actually salty, he said yes he was because of the fact that I lied to him, when in my point of view and I didn't lie to him because I thought that I told him already immediately when it happened so it's not actual lying but more of us remembering things differently. I tried explaining that to him but he refused to talk it out and just says "It's not that deep, you lied to me that's it." He refused to hear me out on my explanation and he refused to hear out the fact that I was hurt when I was trying to explain to him last night but he just ended it with a "Good night." and shut his eyes.
I asked him if he's available for a voice call and he said "chill out first" I told him I AM and but he was obviously getting annoyed and refused to communicate and projected his feelings onto me.
I asked him again please, if we could just communicate and hear each other out cause I just wanted to be okay with him but he just responded with "Go chill out first, do your chores, shower or something." At that point I just couldn't help but break down and feel helpless.
He's just so sarcastic with his replies no matter how I try to make my points across in a calm manner and diffuse it every now and then by calling him babe and telling him I love him.
But he just goes ahead and say "Go ahead and talk then but I'm done with this conversation, I've said my part."
I just feel so disrespected in a way that all I wanted was for him to hear me out, my explanation but he refused to and told me I was just dragging it out when he also could've just became an understanding boyfriend and say something like "Alright babe, I hear you and maybe we do just remember things differently, also sorry for ignoring you last night."
Throughout the conversation he just goes ahead make remarks like "lul" and say something like "yeah i'm listening to your 'Listen' for the nth time." whenever I preface my sentence with "Listen". He does sarcastic and really cold remarks like that even when I'm crying and vulnerable and tells me there-s nothing wrong with his replies, I-m just sensitive.
He loves being right and when he's over the conversation he refuse to ever participate or even be empathetic when I tell him how hurt I am when he gets a certain way.
I'm so lost and over this kind of treatment. I told him last time I wouldn't take this kind of treatment anymore especially since whenever I talk to him I don't speak to him in a disrespectful manner and make stupid remarks.
I fucking love him, he's sweet and I think he's my soulmate and he's not always this much of an asshole, only when we're about to get in an misunderstanding he gets really annoyed. I want us to work but he's stone cold. He used to be open, himself be vulnerable and used to communicate with me but now, I don't see it anymore. Whenever he gets this way, I even give him space that maybe he'll think things through on his own or even miss me enough to stop being cold and sarcastic but it doesn't work anyway. Eventually I just have to give in and let go of it in a way sweep it under the rug, then he gets over it.
I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being treated this way and I don't know what to do to get through. I know I can't force him to change and maybe I should really just accept that he's this way but it's also pretty hard since like I said he used to be different.
I feel hopeless.. am I just being too sensitive and crazy? what can I do?
No. 124927
>>124923Anon, this is ridiculous. How old are you guys, 12? Your boyfriend is not your soulmate, but an angry manbaby that doesn’t respect you. And you don’t have any self respect, either, as you are taking the blame, apologizing to him and thinking you are the sensitive and crazy one. Your bf made a non-issue a huge deal and you caved in immediately. What can you do? I know the type your bf is and you can either show him your boundaries, speak up against him and not let him treat you like his personal cuck, or you just tell him to fuck off and find someone who respects you. As this has happened before and you already talked about consequences, the latter might be better. What you shouldn’t do: Continue whining in front of him and being so dependant, this will give his sarcastic ass even more power, and the dynamics in your relationship are fucked already.
No. 124930
>>124927It stings hearing this but you're right.
It's true I am dependent on him. It is taking a toll on my self worth.
I've been starting to take steps on being more independent and building my confidence and self worth. It fucking hurts since I didn't have much before I met him so I don't really have much to work with to begin with but I'm working on it lol
>>124928I see how it sounds stupid as fuck in the eyes of others but idk it's just that this is my first ever relationship so I'm still learning.
No. 124931
>>124923Oh I‘ve been in these before. Like others said he has a lack of respect for you. There‘s a big power imbalance in his favor and it really says a lot about him that he chooses to hurt you with it.
He‘s fully aware of what he‘s doing to you, OK? Don‘t try excuse him otherwise. He just doesn‘t care. I‘m sorry. He‘s become far too comfortable with the fact that he can hurt you in a way it wouldn‘t be acceptable to hurt a friend or family member, and is used to there being no consequences.
It‘s at the point where at the end of it what he says is taken as fact and all you can do is appeal to him. A healthy argument has both people listening to each other, not one of them deciding "how it is", and that‘s what you‘ve got right now.
And really, in terms of him becoming as he was I‘d say it‘s possible, but the fact that he can‘t stay a decent human being as the status quo says a lot, and you‘ll never be able to be vulnerable, because he‘ll take the power he can get and you‘d need to always, always watch out for that. The beginning was him feeling out, slowly, what the boundaries are and you kept giving and giving away. That‘s not who he is.
As an exercise you should turn the tables on him. Instead of saying "please listen" say "there‘s no point because you never have listened and you won‘t now" state it as a fact and put the onus on HIM to prove otherwise. He can panic, and in my experience he can double down on trying to make you feel upset, up the accusation or even revoke his feelings to get you to panic. And if you don‘t react to that, then he‘ll properly panic and maybe try sweep the whole thing under the rug. Because he‘s come to assume control over how you feel and he won‘t like losing that.
I mean, that‘s just if you want to see it demonstrated. I wouldn‘t recommend getting into it because the whole thing is a losing game. I‘ve often been upset after breakups with those people but I have never, ever regretted it.
No. 124936
>>124933Why not have a family with a woman?
I also think you should try and see other therapists. I don't see why a therapist can't help you overcome your trauma and help you with anxiety. Although it does sound conversion-y if you want to specifically see a therapist to help you date men.
And a man that isn't ready to deal with your trauma and isn't the right man to have a family with, period. They should be accepting and supportive.
No. 124946
>>124923"I told him last time I wouldn't take this kind of treatment anymore"
You honestly need to cut off all contact. This guy isn't anyones 'soulmate'. He'll spend many years turning girlfriends into nervous wrecks with his mind games, reality is people don't go from being this emotionally
abusive to being mature overnight or even within years. Save yourself all the suffering
No. 124964
>>124923He's playing you like a fiddle, amazing how even when there are no problems in a relationship a guy will invent one, like the nonexistent problem of you pretending to orgasm one time and then admitting it ten seconds later, which he is now "offended" by
I suggest getting more people to talk to that don't find leaving you to go to bed on an argument an amusing way to spend their time
No. 125024
>>122983Just broke up with my bf of almost 3 months a few days ago. I had ongoing issues with him in the past until the point that it became unbearable.
The relationship happened really fast at the beginning. He kept telling me how he loved me even before we even met, which was weird and bizarre to me but I kind of dismissed it due to the culture barrier between us (I'm British, hes Korean). To add to how fast it was going he wanted to be my bf after our first date and tbf our "date" was really strange like we went to a motel and then we ate food. It seemed like he didn't put any effort for a first date.
Our dating was mostly by dm's, we didn't actually meet that much in person like we met only 8 times. He said because he lives with his parents who don't know about our relationship that he didn't want them to cause problems so he wanted to make an excuse to them so he could see me secretly.
I felt something was missing as even though I was in a relationship. I still felt alone and single? I hung out with my friends for the emotional connections that he didn't fill. I started to feel like I couldn't truly be myself and show my more serious side to him. He was "childlike" in the sense that he enjoyed joking around all the time so being with him felt really superficial and I felt I had to hold back the problems I had with him not investing enough in the relationship. I remember I got angry at him because he always cancels date plans with me the day before and I remember getting annoyed and he would simply say things like: "But I will come tomorrow, you are not a little girl etc." Tbh what upset me the most was that he didn't seem very apologetic and seemed nonchalant whenever he cancelled plans with me.
As time went by I kept my patience just trying to not seem clingy to him, but once again he cancelled on me and I got upset. He kept saying "Don't be angry? Why are you angry?" And things became a little quiet for a while.
To add: this guy was planning to stay in Japan for 2 months on a vacation. I was a little sad but he didn't seem to understand why and kept saying things like "Don't be sad! Why are you sad?" and kept telling me that he would live with me when he came back from Japan which btw, he invited himself to come and stay with me. He never actually asked me beforehand but I just went along with it.
So when we met before he left for Japan I confronted him about the issues in our relationship then he told me that his opinion of me had changed as he thought of me as this soft and kind person until I started showing my emotions and when I got upset when he was being flaky with me. He told me that he didn't like that and he stopped loving me at that moment. At that moment my heart sunk and I cried when I got back home and when I told him about it he got annoyed and said "Why do you keep going on about this? It's over lets move on" and put a bored emoji. I got upset and I retalied saying "Ok then I will shut up." He then messaged me later with a sad emoji and I asked why he sent it and he said "Because you said you would shut up."
Anyways, he left for Japan and continued to put no effort in communication. He would only send 3 messages a day on average and there was even a time that there was a typhoon and he didn't even bother to message me for the whole day considering I got worried. He didn't even like calling me on the phone, which he told me he would do when he was in Japan. I was on the phone to him once and I asked him if we could phone again tomorrow and he was like "No! I don't like phoning you everyday because I will miss you more if I call you often so lets call once every 2 days." I was okay with that until I realised that he never kept his word and only sent me messages once every 6 hours or so.
It came to the limit when I planned to go to Japan to see him but because our relationship was already bad I planned a little so he wasnt the primary focus on the trip. He told me that I could come to Japan whenever and we could meet each other.
But when I arrived in Japan, no surprise he told me that he was to busy rewriting his thesis to meet with me even for a short time. I knew that he failed it and was supposed to write it again but the fact that he did not even give the time for me made me so upset and angry.
I continuously got angry with him until I asked if he wanted this relationship or not. The thing is I did suggest breaking up before but he didn't want to. This time however he said that he was tired too and wanted to stay friends with me and meet me in Busan when he came back from Korea. He told me not to be sad and when I asked he said that he still liked me but didn't know his feelings towards me anymore.
This is the worst breakup I have ever had. I feel like I caused the problems in the relationship because I was too emotional "strong" in it. I haven't eaten for 2 days I just hope I can get through this…
No. 125042
>>125031>my girlfriend is super busy right now doing extra projects… i’m of course super understanding but i text her anyways while she's working despite her frustrated repliesStop texting her while you know she's working. Stop being needy and annoying by trying to distract her, and requiring a response. She's working and obviously doesn't want to be distracted or "reassured."
How long has she been this preoccupied? How long have you been together? Is she more attentive when she's not under so much pressure at school?
No. 125050
>>125024this guy sounds like a fucking liar, not gonna sugar-coat it. who the hell finds out that their gf came
to another country for them and then is like 'naaaahhh, i'm too busy writing a thesis, you can't come over'
you'd think he'd at least take a 30-minute break to meet at a cafe or something, jesus fucking christ. glad you guys aren't dating anymore, this guy is like a flaming trash heap made up entirely of warning signs.
No. 125051
>>124810Hey anon
Similar situation here when I was younger, so I think I’ve got a handle on what you’re talking about.
Compromise. Being ‘yourself’ is all well and good but keep in mind that other people want to ‘be themselves’ as well. While it’s freeing to ramble on about topics you’re interested in, the way you make and keep friends is to
show interest in whatever they are passionate about. Ask questions & be an attentive listener. If they’re a courteous person, they will do the same for you when you start rambling about something that they don’t have experience in (just as you should if they start talking about their intense passion for horror movies or monster trucks or beanie-babies or what-have-you). Your hobbies do not limit or define you–they’re just passions or interests like everyone else has, and people won’t
dislike you purely based on them. Cultivate a caring persona, invest yourself in the well-being of others around you (even if you have to force yourself at first), and they’ll return the favor.
No. 125065
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I used to not understand why girls/women would become super insecure just because their boyfriend liked another girl’s picture on social media because I didn’t think it meant much. But now that I am in a relationship, I think I understand now.
Today I randomly went through my boyfriend’s likes on Twitter and I saw he liked a girl’s body pic which made me die on the inside. That’s what my ass gets for lurking.
I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t want to be annoying, but it bothers me. Maybe I’ll just cry this out and try to sweep it to the side.
We just started dating this year after being friends for a while, and he’s such a sweet and caring guy. Maybe I’m getting played and I just don’t want to face reality.
If this continues, I want someone to put me in a coma.
No. 125446
>>125443set ground rules or expectations that you can both agree on
that way, if he goes back on what you both agree to do, you know he's trash
it's important to have boundaries so he's not just abusing you financially
No. 125464
>>125443Living together can really test whether or not a couple is compatible, if you are this unhappy already should you be signing a lease with this guy?
Right now you have the option end things without those financial/practical complications
No. 125491
>>125443I am in a similar problem with my long distance bf, except we took the plunge and moved in together. He is hard to live with, it's draining. I want to move back home. I regret it. He doesn't pull his share of the weight at home, he doesn't clean or contribute his share financially despite having a larger paycheck than me. With time I've been able to get him to pitch in more but the fact I had to coach him over and over really damaged things in my eyes and he is less attractive to me. Really make sure he's worth it before you make a mistake that involves contracts and leases. If you insist on moving in together, get a two room apartment and he can sleep in one room and you in the other. I do this and it actually helped with our sleep problems and I don't wake up absolutely hating him. You can fall asleep together in one bed and then one of you goes to the other room if you can't sleep. Also nice since you are long distance that if he wants family to visit there's a bed waiting.
Repost for typo.
No. 125505
>>123361i'm almost verbatim in this exact scenario, only difference being my boyfriend has hurt me multiple times. We agreed to work though it but ever since then i've been "window shopping" and small talking on dating sites. There's times when me and my boyfriend have met up (we see each other once a week) and he has been silent for 30 minutes waiting for me to say something interest. It's mind numbing.
I'm breaking up with him soon but my advice for you anon is don't waste your time. You're young i'm presuming and you shouldn't waste these years in a relationship you feel apathetic about. You're not evil for feeling this way but i'd just end it before you do something that you don't want to (cheat).
No. 125532
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i'm in an ldr and having a bit of a rough time right now.
my relationship started while i was seeing a counsellor and had just gotten out of a very abusive friendship (sounds strange, don't often hear someone say they're in an abusive friendship huh), so i wasn't exactly stable when we got together. i stopped seeing my counsellor a few months into the relationship as i thought i was a lot better, but i wasn't. and started relying on my boyfriend for emotional help a lot, and it inevitably started to exhaust him.
i feel really fucking bad for treating him like my therapist all the time and it's taken a toll on him. i've made an appointment at the doctor's for next week so they can refer me to a counsellor or provide some kind of professional help again, and my boyfriend and i decided to give each other space for a week or so, or however long it might take for us to figure things out in our personal lives. he wants to continue our relationship, and he still loves me very much and cares for me, but we both know that we need time alone.
how do i cope in the time i'm waiting, until i see the doctor? i feel incredibly alone and i just want to make my boyfriend feel better but the best way i can do that is to just leave him alone right now. and it hurts a lot. i wouldn't break up with him unless he told me he wanted to. i just don't know what to do
No. 125615
I'm damn sure I need a "best friend" breakup but I don't know how to go about it.
She's a good person and isn't inherently malicious but I can't take it, definitely not in my mental state.
She's autistic and it's because I'm sure that she can't really help things and isn't probably aware that she's doing it that I'm so unsure of confrontation.
(Rant)
Things were great at first, we clicked and I really enjoyed that someone I liked wanted to be with me and pursued me as a friend. I'm often a loner and have a hard time maintaining friendships so her persistence just worked. She had small quirks that annoyed me but nothing I couldn't handle at the time. She was often irresponsible with her medications and I often found myself responsible for when she started feeling sick. She was also a terrible eater and that combined with her meds meant she'd only get sicker when she wouldn't eat or refused to keep herself hydrated because she couldn't eat/drink what she wanted. This was especially annoying during large hangouts/cons when there were other people I also wanted to be around but again, nothing I couldn't handle ( I'm the "best friend" I had to be there for her, right?), plus I felt like we were really working on things, we were growing together.
As time went on though, I felt myself trying to ditch her more and more. It became about more than her irresponsibility to her health but eventually how I felt she was manipulating me. She would never ask for things, she would instead go around it by saying something like, "oh, are those snack, I love those. I don't get to eat them often and I haven't eaten anything all day" unnecessarily guilting you into giving your food up/buy her food. It's one thing to straight out ask but to guilt someone? It was even worse when it came to higher value possessions, the things you saved up for and worked for. Same thing except she would play the "poor girl, always had a hard life and never had nice things" card, she would often (try to) guilt others into this. And then there's boys.. I feel like we've always been able to act well around fems, but interacting with males has always been a whole other beast. She's a proud lesbian but I've always felt her trying for male approval, going so far as to often use me as a prop. "She's my 'best friend' wink wink but silly boy you can have me, I'm gay" or just acting more sexual around my cis-male presenting friends than she would with my other friends. I also feel like my experiences and interests are undermined when she's around or even in messages. "How are you?" (when she bothers) is often a prelude to the barrage of tragedies that seem to often befall her and "everything is awful uwu poor pitiful me" until she finds something to sperge on. And this final thing is the straw that's finally broken the camel's back.
I've had a terrible past year and have been a broke, sad neet since I lost my crappy retail job that I held for four years and just losing all hope and trust. My 'best friend's' supposed to be there, supposed to encourage and cheer me on. But it's only been treated like an excuse to charade as "bffs suffering together" another way for her to frolic in and flaunt HER misery. Her troubles are never her own, but seemingly mine too, while mine remain just my own. I've really tried to distance myself since then, all my energy needing to go to my recovery. Sometimes she does give me small gifts and coffee to kind of cheer me up and a part of me knows that she's trying in her own way but honestly, her lack of genuine words only makes me feel like I'm being bought, a monster to placate. I appreciate her small efforts but being honest to myself, it's not enough.
What really broke me though is recently when Promare premiered. She'd driven all the way to another city and took a small vacation to watch it twice and I was proud of her to do something like that on her own. But what finally struck me was that this movie was showcased in a theater, one of the very places I could never go with her because they were traumatic for her, and it just reminded me of all the things I've felt I've been denied because "we're best friends". I understand that maybe she was able to sit and watch this particular movie twice in a theater because it was something she was really excited for and really wanted to do but I just broke. And I can't get over my feelings of "I need to get away". Maybe it's just my depresso talking but it's all gotten to be too much and I feel like we've diverged just too much in the many years we've been friends.
Despite all the bad, I really love her and don't want to lose her but we can't be "best friends" anymore.
No. 125708
>>125704it's ridiculous to think you could or should completely turn off your attraction to other people while in a relationship, or expect a partner to do so. finding other people attractive or cute is not wrong, you can't possibly control that.
wrong would be acting on it behind your partner's back.
No. 125741
>>125721I know it sucks because you feel like you would damage you friend's mental health further, but at the same time if you really want that, don't stop yourself from having a relationship with the person you wanted to be. It's not like you didn't have feelings and you just wanted because you're bored or something.
I would talk about it with the friend first and explain everything so it doesn't seem to her that you did it without thinking about her, and be with the guy. I know you feel for your friend, but you can't stop yourself from living because it could hurt someone. Besides, if she's a good friend she will eventually be happy for you. Not your fault he likes you, not her.
No. 125913
My boyfriend's ex crosses boundaries in a way that is impossible to articulate, in a 'know it when i see it' sense.
>feverishly checks on my private social media and asks questions (e.g. my age, my job)
>awkwardly orbits all his social media posts
>suggests that i'm manipulative
>compares herself to me (e.g. 'i'm gonna be a stripper to flex on her' context: i’m a stripper)
>sends him inappropriate selfies and asks him to rate them
>making hypothetical situations about their 'marriage' (give me a break)
>has some invented rivalry with me in her head
>gets off on the idea of being the 'other woman'/determined to 'win'
>gossips about me with his best friend looking for dirt
>makes a public spectacle by commenting on all his posts
>’do you think she’s prettier than me’ (he was afraid to answer honestly)
>he doesn't really help and has straight up told her that I'm jealous of her: I'm exponentially better looking and make more money than her
>I understand that she is insecure and he feels obligated to comfort her, but I feel like he went to far in that instance.
>has a bizarro, pathological pickme autist social media persona that ‘coincidentally’ panders to all his interests
>constantly bothered him with long, flatulent messages about her miserable life/being broke commanding his attention while she knew we were on a trip to Italy that i paid for.
They hooked up while we broke up and starting sending nudes the second after we broke up in January - which made me feel humiliated and idiotic. She considers this an enormous victory over me.
I have asked him to establish boundaries with her more than once, but never receive a reasonable response, he can’t empathise.
He over-accommodates her to the detriment of our relationship. This woman is 22 years old, a whole 4 years older than me and just hasn’t got herself together and relies on her ex for emotional support/ego boosts?
There was also an incident where she raped him and later tried to convince him that I had also raped him to comfort her conscience - and he didn’t even correct her which I was furious about. Am i supposed to overlook this? He even wants me to invite her, a sex offender, to our wedding where there are going to be children present.
Please don't suggest we break up because we are very in love and have never been happier, I would rather die than go through the pain of being split up again.
No. 125915
>>125913Sounds like he enjoys the attention/ego boost from her and that's why he hasn't broken it off.
>They hooked up while we broke up and starting sending nudes the second after we broke up in JanuaryThis also is a huge fucking red flag, sorry but he doesn't sound like a decent man who can be in a committed relationship.
No. 125916
>>125915I'm very aware that he enjoys the ego boost and also has very little friends and is reliant on her for company. I haven't even suggested they break the friendship off, but he has acted aghast at the idea, throwing around words like '
abusive/manipulative'.
I live in constant fear of suffering an infidelity, but I love him so much and we have such a grand time together.
I know she's got autism, can someone please help me understand her thought process because I can't relate at all.
No. 125919
>>125916He is playing games. No one in a committed relationship with someone they love entertains bullshit like this. Stop focusing on her when you should be focusing on what he does and how his actions reflect how he feels you.
>hooks up with her and sends her nudes>she ""rapes"" (I highly doubt this one, he probably was trying to justify having sex with her) him yet he calls you abuse/manipulative>bothers to deal with her bullshit even when on an expensive trip that you planned out and paid forThose are all huge red flags. Why are you putting up with someone who doesn't love you and constantly disrespects you?
>I love him so much and we have such a grand time together.Ok but that doesn't mean he loves you or cares about you. I get you a stripper but still you need to have some semblance of self-worth and find a better partner. Also don't spend any more money or emotional investment on this retard.
No. 125955
File: 1571898544764.png (30.23 KB, 1248x229, lol.PNG)
>>125951lmao don't lie. pic related is you. said the same things, allegedly raped by her, broken up after january, you flexing constantly about your age, 'job', and appearance, etc, etc. you still sound ridiculous and you're again blaming and hating the wrong person. your bf is a retard and so are you, but especially your bf. now you want to marry this fool? you're a mess.
No. 125962
>>125956To me, it sounds like you're the insecure one, for sure you broke down so easily.
Why are you so afraid they'd hook up after you break up with him? Would you feel defeated? Sounds like you're consciously keeping up on her games but trying to hide it to yourself while your boyfriend is in a win-win situation and you're committing to marriage? Please, girl, get your shit together before it's too late.
No. 125964
>>1259131) Leave him, it's obvious he prefers her and honestly it's not hard to see why. You are obsessed with her. Men always are interested in the woman their girlfriend hates.
2) Get a real job.
Problems solved.
No. 125986
>>125980doesn't explain why he went back for seconds and is still friends with her. if he really was raped doesn't that indicate something sick about him?
i've heard of girls who retraumatize themselves like that are unstable and need help not romance.
No. 125999
>>125975>what could I do to tackle this problem>>125913>Am i supposed to overlook this?You can't fix this "problem." And you shouldn't overlook it either. You need to leave him because he doesn't love you as much as you love him. He fucks his ex and sendas nudes because he cares more about that than about you.
I'm sorry that it hurts but you can surely do much better for yourself girl. You know it too.
No. 126036
>>123537>>123572Old, sorry, but I hope anon sees this….
You literally sound like me when I was 18. Hits too close to home. Had to respond.
You've been traumatized, right. So if you're sharing your life with someone, they have to share that trauma too. That's hard. If he's young, he might not understand how to process that trauma, and take it out on you. It could take years to learn how to sort out those feelings.
Maybe he had to cut you out of his life to deal with that second-hand trauma.
It feels awful to be in love with someone when they don't want to be around you. There's no closure. So you have to ask yourself, is it worth waiting around for him, or should you just move on with your life.
In my case, I loved other people, but he was always in the back of my mind. Half-assed some relationships for a couple years. But when we finally spoke again, and he wanted to get back together, I realized that someone who could go that long without caring- they probably doesn't care. Also came to realize that Dude had a massive porn addiction and half the shit I felt bad for wasn't my fault.
So if he doesn't have the feelings anymore, you gotta move on. It's not worth hanging on to, life is too short.
If years down the line, he decides to forgive you, maybe y'all could have a second chance. But until then, try to remember the happy times and build a new life without him in it.
No. 126053
File: 1572025926768.png (281.25 KB, 720x1005, ss.png)
Am I in the wrong for disliking my boyfriend when he added a person like this off of r9k before we met? He claims he only added them because it seemed like a challenge & an interesting person to him. This is also coming from a man who claims he is afraid of women when we first met. Honestly it just comes across as bullshit because he made it out to be innocent before ever showing me the actual post.
No. 126054
>>126053I mean…it happened before he met you, so it's not cheating or anything. The only problem is him minimizing it and making it non-sexual.
I'm sure some anons will say him using /r9k/ or imageboards at all is a redflag tho.
No. 126057
>>126044You're happiness is important to me.
You make me feel loved.
You make me a better person.
No. 126064
>>126053If he's not still talking to the girl, it shouldn't be a problem… It is natural for you to feel jealous tho. He was probably just ashamed to be honest about it.
Agree with previous anon tho, /r9k/ is a red flag, they really don't like women on that part of the internet. Hopefully he doesn't still post there.
No. 126086
>>122983me and my boyfriend both suffer from depression and anxiety. he's more the type to shut out everyone and refuse any help. he's been on edge a lot lately, and while i do try my best to help him, it's kind of hard to…especially when i'm burning out on my own. he lets out his anger on me by raising his voice and throwing things. i try to be understanding considering his circumstances…but i can only do so much for him. he's a good person and has done a lot for me but that aspect of him kind of scares me. i know that i'm not that good to be around when i'm in my moods but i at least never take my anger out on him or even raise my voice in the slightest…
i know two depressed people can't make it work but i want to know if there's anyway to overcome these things or to better ourselves…
No. 126214
>>126209I feel like alot of people view it as monstrous to leave a person when they're dealing with depression but I've been the depressed partner who's been dumped (twice now) and it's totally fair to preserve your own mental health by breaking up or similarly to decide that 'no sex and no help with chores' is a dynamic you won't put up past a certain time frame. Is he doing everything that he can to address the depression, meds, therapy?
Have you discussed the knock on effect that it has on you?
No. 126237
File: 1572300482970.jpg (69.93 KB, 1280x720, polyamorous.jpg)
I used to hate annoying het kinkster couples in open relationships cause I was in a loving vanilla LDR where we had great sex that was normal (at most doing soft D/S and gentle femdom) and now that me and my bf have actually moved in together I have to do more out there stuff to get him interested and we might open our relationship so he can have experiences with dudes and I can do stuff with girls like I don't think our relationship is going to be ruined by it it's just kind of cringe
No. 126257
>>126256Are you 12? I wouldn't even call this a relationship. No it's not normal and either he doesn't give a shit about you or he doesn't want to invest himself in an LDR (because he doesn't care about you).
Save yourself the trouble girl.
No. 126259
File: 1572328097942.jpg (18.22 KB, 720x720, 1572256573731.jpg)
>>126257Eh, you are probably right, I've never been in LTR so I have no idea how they work. We are supposed to meet up in a couple of months though, so I'll probably wait until then.
>>126258Nope, I've never posted about it before, so probably some farmers are as dumb as me.
No. 126296
>>126276Leave. I would never want to be with someone out of pity. And I would hate finding out that my partner is with me out of pity. This doesn't even take into account the addictions and anti-social display of liking animal abuse. And hating women.
Screw the guilt. You'll get over it soon enough. Get out before he does something to you.
No. 126312
>>126276>He got a hate for women, he struggles REALLY hard to emphatize with others (not even mention animals, which he admitted he liked to torture and kill)So he ALREADY hates your guts and you're still concerned about hurting his poor wittle feefees? Fuck that. Sorry but you are being stupid. This guy is one big walking, breathing red flag, he will probably murder you one day, not just be a shitty bf. Killing animals is literally textbook future serial killer behaviour.
Prioritize your happiness and your safety, not a mental case who uses his hard life as an excuse to be a terrible human being. Dump him and feel no guilt because he is a bad person and there's no excuse for it.
No. 126313
>>126259Oh anon. I've been with my husband for years and we talk more in text throughout the day than you do with your boyfriend.
No, this is not how LTRs work. This is your boyfriend no longer caring much for the relationship. He's giving you short answers because he's disengaging. There's nothing you can do about that but find someone who loves you and is more invested in you. I know that you want to wait to see him in person but that's going to be like putting a band aid on a cancerous tumor. It will feel good for a few days/weeks after and then you will be right back to where you are now. I know it's not what you want to hear but speaking from experience, you are much better off dumping him now and being free to date someone else in a couple of months instead of wasting more time and misplaced hope on him.
>>126276Get as far away from him as possible and never date anyone like him again. Seriously, love yourself more, anon. You are too good for all of that bull shit.
No. 126316
Hi farmers, I've been exclusively dating (or seeing) a guy that I met on Hinge since mid September, and him too. Just as a quick background, I've usually dated /liked guys who were awful at communicating, made me feel like I was too much, etc. He's been a really sweet person and never makes me feel like I have to hide my weirdness and like I'm too much. He's basically the opposite of all the bad guys I've liked/dated. Okay, background done.
The thing is, though I really like him as a friend and person, I'm not 100% sure if I like him as much as he likes me. It was something that we had talked about two weeks ago, too, but we decided to still see each other after he comes back from a trip (he'll be back this Saturday or so). We decided to take things slower though, and I thought it was a fine decision. This is where things get a little murky for me. Lately, I've been feeling pretty down because I've recently graduated uni in August but still haven't found a job, and I haven't seen much of my friends, let alone leave the house – but that's a story for another day. I'm not sure if I'm just down about my life as a whole and it's affecting how I feel about him, or if things just aren't _there_, if that makes sense. We are different in personalities but not in the sense that they clash; rather different enough that I feel like we can't have as longwinded conversations that I'm used to with friends/other guys I've dated or liked.
This part is really, really shallow and I feel pretty awful for even thinking about it…
Wile he's really, really cute and quite tall, he has a bit of a belly and bad posture. These are things that I've never had to deal with, since the guys I've dealt with in the past were either slim/thin and had decent posture. These shallow things shouldn't even matter since they _can_ be fixed, but I suppose it's kind of killing my attraction to him a little. I did sleep with him once and it was good, but the belly..
My question is, then, should I keep seeing him but just go really slow? Or should I give up and tell him? Any other suggestions are welcome. Thanks!
No. 126339
>>126338You did fucking amazing anon
If someone isn't good or good to you, cut them out like they're a catchphrase from the 90s
No. 126359
>>126316Don't waste his time if you're not into him. Don't keep him warm either.
If you really like and respect him it's the only sensible thing to do.
No. 126360
>>126316Don't waste his time if you're not into him. Don't keep him warm either.
If you really like and respect him it's the only sensible thing to do.
No. 126445
>>126439like ask him in general: hey what do you consider cheating or explain the circumstance? I feel like being specific might hurt his feelings?
He knows I went out with the guy and that we are friends he just doesn't know I'm currently struggling with the hots for him.
sorry I genuinely don't understand human interaction but I feel like being like "hey I wanna fuck this guy but I'm not but how long can i sniff his hair until it's weird" might be too much even though that's my lizard brain instinct
No. 126506
>>126500He'll be offended because you're bringing up that he's immature, and the way you describe him makes it sound like he's incredibly insecure. Even if someone's main hobbies are video games and anime, they should still be able to carry on a conversation in other topics every now and then. That's so boring and juvenile.
Do you really want someone who lords gifts and favors over your head whenever you give a gentle critique about their behavior?
What if he's like this for the rest of your relationship, is it something you're willing to tolerate if he doesn't change?
No. 126535
Help!
I'm in a casual, anonymous dom/sub relationship with a guy that I deeply care for. We'll get together and fuck once a week, and that's essentially it. I don't know his real name or anything about his personal life, but he's a great guy. I trust him, feel comfortable around him, and he has never once taken advantage of me. I don't think we'll ever progress to anything more serious, but the relationship is really important to me and I don't want to lose it. We've been doing this for almost 4 years.
While I am happy in this relationship, I would also like to have a more traditional relationship. I've temporarily ended it twice before with the guy above because I started dating other guys, but they didn't work out and I went back to him.
I also believe I'm demiromantic.
Anyway, I went on two dates with a guy and they went well. I'd be open to it progressing so I can give myself time to build that emotional connection, but I also feel it's kinda scummy to be fucking another guy on the side.
I'd love to be honest about my situation, but I could see how that would be a huge dealbreaker and I'd ruin my chances.
If this does start progressing, should I be honest about my situation?
No. 126546
>>126535Girl, you can't "be honest about your situation". 99% of men are going to be immediately turned off when you mention your fuckbuddy. It's pretty simple, if you start dating someone seriously, you call off the FWB.
Also…it's really weird that you don't know his name or anything about him after 4 YEARS? It's highly likely that you're his side piece. And please stop using demiromantic, it's cringe and means absolutely nothing. Everyone needs time to feel romantically.
No. 126554
>>126546Thanks anon. That's what I figured. I needed to air this out and hear it from someone else. Having the two would be too good to be true.
And yeah, I'm 99.9% sure I'm not the only one. Like I said, it's casual. We never went into this with an expectation it would be exclusive. He says his friends don't know he doms and I respect his privacy. He never offered the info, I never asked. I know enough about him where I could easily find out his identity, but what difference would it make? We share kinks and have great sex. Why complicate it.
No. 126579
>>126506Thanks, anon. I never thought he was insecure until the day he got irritated with me because of… a videogame character. And I already had to hear him gushing about waifus and shit before but obviously didn’t fight him because of that.
About talking of other topics, whenever we’re in a group speaking about things out of his interests, he just stays on his phone, completely mute.
And no, I don’t think I can stand this forever. I’d like to hope for change, but he’s about to turn 30, if he never got interested in different stuff before, can I really expect anything now?
No. 126624
>>126604I think you've just got to decide what you really want. If you want to explore that side then don't string the bf along or try any 'open' relationship stuff, it won't end well. Think of it like seeing other attractive guys in public, you wouldn't just drop everything to try their dick.
Celebrate being Bi definitely but still see your relationship the same way, the commitment to your bf hasn't changed unless you want it too.
No. 126626
>>126596It sounds like you’re losing feelings for him.
>>126598As a bisexual myself, both women and men can emotionally hurt you. It’s a scary world.
No. 126647
>>126645honestly this guy sounds like trash. has he always been this way or did he become too comfortable in the relationship and let his standards go with regards to texting and communication?
i mean he said it himself that he doesn’t think this relationship is worth saving so if i was you i’d break up with him. i know it sounds hard but there are better guys out there. you honestly sound too good for your current boyfriend. maybe one day he will realise what he’s lost and good luck to him finding a girlfriend as good to him as i’m assuming you’ve been to him.
No. 126663
>>126645I think the worst this is knowing how ashamed my mother would feel knowing that I'm like this now. I begged him to give us a chance. I look pathetic. I'm crawling back to someone that has hurt me so much and I'm begging them to not leave me. I think he's enjoying seeing me beg. He makes no effort to respond to me even now that I'm in pain waiting for him. I really feel like he's just watching me writhing in pain and just enjoying it.
When my dad and mom almost got divorced, my mom was so strong. She would never beg my father to take her back. She held herself together and never showed her children if it bothered her. She just kept on with work and taking care of us. My dad came crawling back to her and gradually stopped being a fuck head after that.
I feel so disgusted with myself. But I'm so lonely and broken already. I just want my boyfriend back, even if he may be cold and uncaring.
>>126662>>126652>>126647Thank you anons for your responses. My brain seems to be screaming this kinda stuff in your responses at me but I just want to listen to my heart.
No. 126664
>>126663For the love of god, your heart is being torn to pieces by this douchebag.
You deserve so much more. Please, stay strong, I’m sure you will meet someone so much more worthy of your affection. Even if you have trouble meeting new people now, it’ll happen eventually. There’s a lot more in life than staying stuck on a relationship with a person who’s treating you like nothing.
No. 126665
>>126645I'm usually much more of a lurker than poster but I really feel for you. I don't want to be harsh so please don't take offense to what I'm going to say. You say you feel like he has all the power "now" but he's always had all the power. He just managed to trick you into not noticing. You mention you correct him gently because of how angry he gets, that if you try to tell him what you feel he gaslights you and then turns it into him talking about HE can't open up to you, and that he routinely just ignores you.
I've been there. It sucks. You start doing things you never thought you would because you want to get back the idea of the boyfriend you THOUGHT you had in the start. You walk on eggshells around him and that's not healthy at all. All your thoughts seem to be about what will make him happy with you or at least not unhappy with you. That's so unhealthy and you deserve so much more.
Yes, he is probably enjoying watching you in pain. I know it hurts, but it gets better and you really deserve better. Just let him go. He won't ever change and instead you'll get more and more neurotic and beaten down.
No. 126686
File: 1572900562474.jpg (4.59 KB, 212x249, e98.jpg)
>>126645>>126663Did this make anyone else upset in the stomach? Holshit.
No. 126702
>>126645He is a leech, he does not truly care about you, and he will be this way for life if you keep him around. He won't improve. This is who he is. You cannot change him. You cannot change his feelings for you.
Don't let the sunken cost fallacy crush the whole rest of your life. Imagine you never knew him and were just starting out now single with no dating experience. Is this who you would date? Or rather, okay, you've spent six years of sacrifice for this guy who is awful to you. You have sixty more years. How do you want those sixty years to look? Like this?
No. 126846
>>126816he's trying to isolate you, it's a hallmark of an
abusive relationship. leave him!
No. 126852
>>126816Please leave anon. It really sounds like he is trying to isolate you. If it works he can became a lot more
abusive because you dont have anyone to talk about it and it will be harder for you to leave if you feel like you have nothing but him in your life.
No. 126856
>>126854Try not to panic anon it's been four days, he might just be going through something maybe even just post-holiday depression.
Communication is best, seriously ask what's up with him in the way you normally would and explain how his behavior is worrying you without being accusatory.
If the atmosphere in the house is upsetting you then try to see friends and stay busy for the next couple of weeks to see if it passes first.
No. 126889
File: 1573169120537.png (77.92 KB, 425x292, pk.png)
>>126885It's time to let him go
Because even when the bridges between you are burned
You will always be in each other's heart
No. 126904
>>126897Sounds manipulative to me. Maybe he was waiting until after the trip to let you know? Breaking up is no light thing, especially a relationship that length. So there are 2 ways to think about it; either he didn't mean it and feels comfortable enough to fuck with your emotions that extremely, or he doesn't see the loss of the relationship as that big of a deal.
Personally I'd say the first option would make the relationship unsalvageable, and the second…possible if he's concerned about it and you both get therapy? I don't think he is though.
What'll you do?
No. 126916
>>126897>>126904Thanks so much anons, you are right. If he is comfortable with destroying me like this, and comfortable enough to hop on his computer game (with Discord buddies) right after while I'm left a crying mess.. yeah. I don't know what to do though. Part of me thinks he hasn't really thought it through, and I really want to take time off and treat myself to a nice hotel for the weekend so he understands what it would be like without me around. Problem is, I'll still have to return home and deal with seeing this new version of him. The version with blank expressions, no laughter or smiles, no silly in-jokes. It kills me to be around this because this is not him!?
Our relationship was always so silly and fun. We even developed cute little songs (and dances lol) just for each other over the years, to make each other laugh. I know we've all heard it before but yeah, I just don't understand how after all of our memories and everything we shared he can just turn 180 on us. I honestly thought we were going to be partners for life.
Also I did mention couples therapy and he was very very much against it.. couldn't really give a reason why though.
Sorry for using this as a little diary but thanks again everyone for listening!
No. 126917
>>126916Yeah I don't get it at all. How can he just practically "die" like that?
I'd say maybe it's mental issues or something, but not wanting to do therapy is something else. How were you guys when it came to arguing? Did you work together to solve it and all that, has he expressed discontent with something huge before that went unresolved?
Is the callous behaviour entirely new or have there been instances before? It seems odd to just switch like that.
Regardless, I hope you at least get an answer out of him before breaking it off. Having things go really well just for him to flip and not be the same person sounds scarring.
No. 126950
>>126854I've read your other posts and it seems like you are dealing with this in a really mature way. Since it was absolutely out of the blue and sudden, it doesn't sound like depression. It sounds like he's got someone else lined up, and the point he "switched" is when he got the confirmation from the other person. I'm so sorry, this must be an awful shock to see someone suddenly change personalities on you.
Sending you some e-hugs.
No. 126953
File: 1573267613260.gif (433.25 KB, 600x626, iu.gif)
>>126950Samefag, we need a GIF
No. 127423
>>127376I think you already know what sort of advice you're going to get here.
Dump him, if he would tell you he loves you while doing that it shows just how little his love means. The idea that your attention wasn't enough for his pwecious little ego even in the honeymoon phase should tell you what will happen when you have your first big fight.
No. 127436
>>126854I've had two relationships of a similar length suddenly end after the guy changed 'with the flip of a switch'. The first time it was a whole marriage that ended quickly and he kind of blew my mind with just how sudden and unexpected it was. Fast forward a few years and it happened again (except this guy had a new woman lined up in advance) We went from 'lets get a mortgage' to broken up two months later..
I don't know if that sudden switch is just a guy thing. Wishing you the best with whatever comes next anon
No. 127451
>>127447yeah but you could also get a normie passing bf who isn't a complete mess. idk if i'm on the spectrum but I have p bad adhd and other issues sort of in the same "family" and my bf seems like?? a little more together than me but is very charming and extraverted
also I'm like a solid 4 so if I can do it so can you
No. 127503
File: 1573802983175.jpg (98.46 KB, 835x1200, D_h3sQ4WkAEefw3.jpg)
My LDR boyfriend just asked me if everything was okay because he feels like I don't want to talk about myself, kill me. I hate how secretive/quiet I am and how it always feels like I'm walking on eggshells when talking to people (from bad experiences with old friends). I really wish I wasn't this way around him since I know he won't judge me and that my words are safe with him, I just don't know how to get out of the habit, even for basic ass shit like how was your day. I love him so much but I'm sad that he's always the one talking because I can't fucking communicate (though he is quite talkative, I wish I could match his lengths and add on to the conversation efficiently).
No. 127515
>>127447Do you tell guys about your diagnosis early on? I can see some people getting scared off if you share it early on and they have some fucked idea of what autism really is
I was diagnosed at 30 and nobody had ever suspected it before then, As soon as I got the diagnosis my live-in bf of 3 years yeeted out of my life cos "mental health issues can be fixed but autism can't!"..
Just be careful of people with pre-existing judgements around ASD
No. 127519
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I kind of really want my boyfriend to ask me to marry him, but also worry that maybe I don't want that at all and it's just something I've been conditioned to want. We've been together a couple years and I know I love him, it's mainly that I wonder if I'm just desperate to be married before 30 instead of being okay with our relationship no matter it's legal definition. Maybe I'm overthinking things as I usually do. Maybe I actually don't ever want to be married. Maybe I do and imagining I don't is a cope. I'm so goddamned confused, if that's not immediately obvious.
No. 127521
>>127519There's nothing wrong with getting married after 30 and no one else cares if you got married in your 20s.
Getting married in your 20s does, however, increase the predictor that your marriage will end in divorce.
No. 127539
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>>127521I was more referencing the outdated, traditional societal opinion on marrying before 30 (since I'll turn 27 next week,) than specifying that's how I feel about it. I'm not 100% sure that ANY marriage I get into will last regardless of what age it happens, tbh. It feels too easy to fuck up, so I'm scared of doing it in the first place, even though I think I want to? Idk, I'm probably rambling and not making much sense as I'm typing this "train of thought" style.
No. 127626
>>127618I've had both of my long term relationships end within months of noticing this. I thought we were just settled/comfortable but in reality it was a distancing that was starting to happen
Your own gut can probably tell you whether it feels comfortable or if it's something else
No. 127755
Hey, never posted before so sorry if make a mistake/sorry for the length (kind of a vent more than anything)
I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now (first relationship, been on dates before meeting him but nothing serious.) He’s quite a few years older than me but we have many of the same interests, he’s sweet and we get along.
I’ve struggled with an eating disorder my whole life (ARFID/at one point I started slipping into anorexia) and have persisting issues with my mental health that I’m currently taking medication for. He doesn’t know any of this; perhaps this might be a bit stereotypical, but I’m concerned he might feel a sort of stigma towards it because of his culture (he’s full blood Japanese and I’m Australian). I feel like I can’t really disclose these issues and in turn, feel like I sometimes can’t be myself. Once again, he’s extremely kind/doesn’t seem judgemental but I’ve never tested the waters.
Now as far as sex goes, I lost my virginity to him a few months back. He was considerate and I told him it was my first time so we took things slow. I’ve masturbated since I was 16, but as of two years ago, I’ve been taking antidepressants that severely lower my sex drive/make orgasming pretty hard. I don’t really enjoy sex, but it’s not like it’s ‘unpleasant’ or ‘bad’if that makes sense (he tries his best to make it pleasurable for me too)
Last night when I was sleeping (after we fucked a few hours earlier) he leant in and kissed me a few times which I half heartedly returned purely because I’m still 90% asleep. He then took to trying to finger me, I gently pushed him away a few times and he persisted. It wasn’t until I physically grabbed his hand removed it did he stop. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting but due to some shit that happened as a kid that I thought didn’t affect me, I feel kind of freaked out and don’t know if I want to stay over again this weekend.
I’ve omitted a few aspects of background info but yeah, idk whether it’s my whack mental health making me question whether I want a relationship or the fact that I’m sexually and inexperienced or what.
No. 127757
>>127755'pushed him away a few times and he persisted'
A few times.. and he didn't get the fucking message?! I wouldn't share a bed with this guy
No. 127821
>>127758Thank you anon, I ended up asking him to lunch at university and though he postponed (finals soon), he said he wants to do it during free time and see a movie, too.
Success, as far as I can tell.
No. 128055
>>128032Thanks, anon. I’m wondering if I should call him or try to meet to have the talk (he lives in another state).
It feels so weird because we haven’t been fighting or anything on the last months, but it’s just not feeling right. I have no clue of how to explain him that.
No. 128085
So what to do when a bf acts committed but is verbally the opposite?
It's tough to describe, but i can nitpick things, or I try seek improvement where possible. So we had good sex not long ago, and it happened by me just pouncing on him basically. We don't fuck that much since he has a low drive but it's the intimacy that counts. I asked if we could do something similar again later and he just completely froze up on me. No response, so I'm saying "hey you can't just react like that, it makes me feel shitty" and he kept doubling down, and i said it'll kill our sex life if he keeps acting like that because I'll just not initiate, and he's like "yeah fine", I told him that sex is important to me, and how would he feel if I withdrew whenever he asked for his preferred form of affection? "you'd have every right to do that" and just generally being SO DIFFICULT. And same for all problems if I actually try discuss it he'll "so what?" every question. And it gets worse and worse. I can't get a straight answer on anything emotionally regarding us.
But if I just go with everything, he's a model boyfriend. He'll think of me, get me small thoughtful things, care for me in any way he can and generally lovingly cater to me and be so positive. If in the moment, we'll have amazing sex and cuddle for ages afterwards, and he's clearly content, but will try put up the act that it's not that enjoyable when it suits him, and if I point this discrepancy between his actual behaviour and what he says about it, he just shrugs because he KNOWS he can't defend it.
So basically I feel like if I were to just shut up, no problems arise because he's a model bf. But if I go looking for issues/improvements, he's so stubborn that it's either a huge amount of emotional effort or impossible to resolve.
I'm asking now because I tried this out. I didn't point out anything for about 2 weeks and his affection just grew and grew. So then I recently pointed out this (small) improvement that could be made and he's suddenly a sullen teen giving me "I don't care" and one word responses.
If I wasnt dependent on him I'd probably call it. But what do you think is the lifespan on this thing, and will it do long term damage to me? Because it can really get me down when I open up and get rejected.
No. 128086
>>128085Oh to add to this I don't mean not committed in the monogamous sense, I fully trust him that way.
It's more that when I bring up an issue he'll go completely on the defense and essentially put on the attitude of he doesn't care if some issues will end up breaking up the relationship. It's like he acts as if he's fully emotionally detached from us, full time, despite acting the opposite outwith arguments and being upset at the idea of us breaking up otherwise. And it's getting to be that I can't tell what's real. And it can feel like he says those detached things just to get out of the potential argument ASAP but it just exacerbates things every time.
A lesson I've learned from past relationships is to judge people by what they do, not what they say and now I'm like ?!?! Because I've anyways thought that being direct and always working on a relationship is the way to make it bloom but it almost feels like doing that is sabotaging it in this one. Is that sustainable?
No. 128116
>>128105Memes aren't real life. Look around you, how many of your friends and family have truly attractive husbands and boyfriends? I bet it is very few if any at all
No one will make fun of you, especially if he treats you well and doesn't cheat.
No. 128137
Ultimately I know I need to talk to my bf, but I feel like I need to vent this. My bf is pretty great; we're emotionally connected, he cares about my problems and want to listen to me talk about my interests. we have great conversations etc. it's fly. he's in a sort of limbo at the moment (he wants to study but can't at the moment, so he's sort of working instead, but not really), and he has a few issued in his life here and there. nothing major that he can't fix himself, and he constantly talks about those things and what he's going to do to better himself (eating healthier, getting a better sleep schedule, not waste money on expensive shit he can't afford and doesn't need, work more etc). Like, basic things you have to do to live an organized life. And he has all the time in the world to invest into fixing those things. problem is, he doesn't do shit to fix them. We can have a long conversation about food and a healthier diet and he'll talk for hours about what he'll eat etc, then the next day he'll be sitting in the coach, eating a frozen pizza. Or hell text me back at two in the afternoon, when he wakes up. or hell tell me that his work wanted him to do a shift and he made up an excuse. OR him getting a brand new laptop when he already has one that works.
I´ve supported him emotionally for months now, and I´m getting fed up listening to him talk about change when he has proven time and time again that he doesn't do any of the things he says he'll do. I don't care how he lives his life, I just don't want to listen to him talk literal shit. And when I do confront him and tell him that, well "I know you feel bad bc you're broke right now, maybe you shouldn't have bought that new laptop" he gets pissy at me. I´m actually not sure he'll see things my way if I bring this up, but I´m going to have to soon because this is a problem
No. 128228
>>128224All you can do is take the chance, anon.
My suggestion is to ask him on an ambiguously platonic date and scope him out from there. If you feel flirtiness and chemistry, just bluntly admit your feelings.
Overcome that fear of rejection. It's so freeing, believe me.
No. 128261
>>128137He doesn't want to change but he gets enough gratification from talking about changing. Plus he thinks talking about changing means you'll get off his back for a while.
Been in your situation anon. I fully sympathise with guys who are in limbo but that doesn't mean I can fix them. Honestly you just have to let him be a loser on his own. Plenty of guys out there who'll listen to your feelings.
No. 128262
>>128224The way I got over myself in situations like this is when I started asking a lot of people out and not really giving a fuck what they said. Honestly however much you're building this up in your head, he's still just a guy and there are so many of them out there.
'So we matched on bumble a while ago but we still haven't been to get coffee yet, when are you free?'
No. 128298
>>128296He has actually initiated quite a bit, he talked to me first, always wants to hang out if we're in the same vicinity at the same time, and has asked me out on a date.
It's just the messaging. You may be right, since I noticed he also doesn't message people when we're spending time together.
No. 128303
>>128298Eh I don't wanna be a downer but talking to you first, hanging out if he happens to be nearby, and asking you out on one date is the bare minimum. I'm just mentioning this bc you already want to talk to him more and he seems ok keeping his distance mostly. If he wanted to talk to you more he would call you if texting isn't his thing. Just saying you should be at least getting back what you're giving to him, if not more.
I dunno how long you've known each other but he seems kinda lazy.
No. 128311
>>128303Nah, you're right. He may not really be worth it tbh, we've only known each other a few months so it's no big loss.
It's probably not a good sign if I have friends who are more excited to talk to me than him. I'll let it fizzle out and not escalate further. It's no good if this is going to be a constant struggle.
I was just being hopeful since he's so cute haha.
No. 128330
>>128325I mean yeah but he also is a person objective of me so if that's what he wants to do it's whatever.
I'll go watch YouTube for 4 hours or have fun by myself. If he's not willing to talk to you after 4 hours or spend quality time with you instead of the video game then that's a problem you need to talk to him about. For example, if I wanna watch a film and he's gaming I'll ask and he'll finish up a mission and come watch it. If you think your boyfriend will react differently to that then it's not great.
No. 128346
>>128341Asshole obsession sure is becoming more common with guys, and it's gross to see just how obsessional they get with it
Tell him eating your ass won't make you cum
No. 128356
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so i went on a break with my boyfriend of over a year because i learned he was lying about some really weird shit.
i still don't know the whole truth, but he lied and said he had a roommate when he lived alone (essentially to keep me from coming over), never let me meet his friends, never told his parents about me… and the icing on the cake is i think he was still in a relationship (with someone he didnt like) when he started dating me.
what a fucking mess. idk what to do because he's a really nice guy, but he's lovebombing me with letters and gifts and hanging out with his friends after i called him out. do i give him a chance??? do i escape??? help???
No. 128359
>>128356my ex was doing similar shady stuff too, would disappear then lie about where he went, get mad when I question or think it's shady when he says stuff like "don't worry about it", not allow me to contact him on any other networks despite his frequent disappearing, got mad when I told others about our relationship and made dumb excuses and gave me the childish silent treatment and how "he lost all possible trust in me" because I told a friend we were in a relationship
I finally cut him off and found someone else, still trying to repair years of self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, and just straight emotional abuse and manipulation
My advice is to just cut him off completely and save your time, effort and emotion for emotionally unavailable, manipulative men who don't care to be with you. your self esteem will thank you.
No. 128364
>>128356So he used you for sex?
Leave lmao
No. 128423
>>128345>telling me I'm a bitch>Told me I'm a psycho and that I'm a dumb bitch>I have really low self esteemuh yeah no duh. Your boyfriend is horrible.
>I can't tell if I'm having weird eating disorder problems or if he's an assholeI mean it's both, you're not recovered from your disordered eating AND he's an awful person who's making it worse. It sounds like he likes your body because he has a fat fetish, not because he likes you. That's why he compares you to bigger women (who he finds attractive) and gets mad when you don't like it.
Love yourself and get out of there.
No. 128429
>>128085Give him time to warm up and feel safe. It helps to make plans to just cuddle instead of having sex. It'll probably lead to sex a good amount of the time, but by not setting it as an expectation, it could be more comfortable for him. I was the partner who froze up initially with my boyfriend. He was patient and loving and always respectful of my boundaries and now we can talk about anything without any issues. He has some hangups about talking about sex and it's not about you at all, so try not to take it personally (easier said than done) and be open to it when he does start feeling more comfortable discussing the topic. See if this helps or if the issue is more than just the discussion aspect.
>>128105You're thinking too hard. Don't worry about it. People will see how he treats you and it'll be obvious you are both very fortunate to have such a great partner.
>>128345Weird that he keeps comparing you to other people after you said you don't like that. Tell him to knock it off. Also, he's gaslighting you.
>>128356There's no future with him from what you've written here. Drop that dead weight and spend time on yourself. If you want to later, you can fin a man who is thrilled to bring you around and introduce you to everyone. "Nice guys" who don't actually treat you like someone important to them aren't really all that nice.
>>128295Mine has always been text-averse. It's great, honestly, because he's not dicking around on his phone when we spend time together. We talk with online chat and when we were still getting to know one another we'd have long email exchanges (we met irl before emailing back and forth and were never long distance) which I enjoyed more than a constant back and forth of short texts. Ask if he'd rather do emails, phone calls, or online chat.
>>128341You should talk to him about it in a non-accusatory way. Be honest about your feelings and be open to doing things differently. It could be you are both trying to initiate and missing the signals.
No. 128451
>>128446>Now I'll have to wait a whole 2 weeks before I can try again.Why would you need to wait another two weeks before you can even try again? Try again tonight of tomorrow or maybe this weekend if he's more open on weekend.
>I should also add that he had no problem with fucking significantly less attractive women while we were split up.Honestly I wouldn't bother staying with him.
No. 128470
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My boyfriend wants to start taking xanax (he is buying it from his friend) because he has severe problems with falling asleep. His neighbours have lots of incredibly noisy dogs and walls of his apartment are thin, so he is always able to hear them. Those dogs bark all the time because there are so many of them, they sometimes shut up for a few hours in the early morning, but that's it.
Because of the noise he is only able to sleep for a couple of hours a day (3-4 hours). I've heard xanax is addicting, so I don't want him to start taking it, but I have no idea what else he could do. Pls help.
No. 128471
>>128470Why doesn't he just get earplugs and melatonin?
I've had to take xanax for years for my panic disorder without getting hooked, but it's really harmful for you regardless. There's a high and a crash like with caffeine, except xanax makes you really relaxed and then pushes you into this weird depressive state.
No. 128473
>>128471He is taking melationin already and he can't wear earplugs (I don't know why, he just can't). He is able to sleep just fine when the dogs aren't barking.
Thank you for sharing your experience anon, I'm glad you didn't get addicted.
No. 128475
>>128471second this
nta but
>>128474melatonine promotes sleep but it doesn't exactly knock you out when you can't sleep of outside sources.
No. 128477
>>128474He's already done that, and so did other neighbours, but nothing has came out of it. He also has tried talking to the dog owners, making formal complaints, etc. Nothing worked.
They have like 6 or 7 dogs and they are all very loud. When I visit him I can't stand being in his apartment because of the barking, I can't imagine having to endure this noise all the time. But I am still afraid that he might get addicted/depressed because of xanax.
No. 128571
i'm having an awful time with this and need some advice
i've never been ghosted before. it's always me doing the 'ghosting' because i generally feel discomforted after a date that isn't necessarily up to par. that's not to say i have absurd standards, i just prefer not to date a guy who talks over me, treats me badly, etc. you know. general people stuff.
i recently went on a date with a guy i really, really like. we met months ago after he saw me at work and we have super good chemistry. we'd been texting everyday on and off through work and he was pretty proactive about getting ahold of me. we scheduled the date for sunday and went. he and i got on so well and he voiced how excited he was for our next date on thursday. he was lovey, touchy, and really seemed to be genuinely into me.
however, he started a new job monday. i left him be for the most part, merely hoping he had a good day. he responded twice before completely disappearing after saying 'i totally forgor to text you back'. ouch? i have texted him a few times between then and now and haven't recieved a response. he's watched my snap stories so i know he's on his phone. it's thursday morning now and i have no clue if the date is even happening bc he hasn't responded to me asking if it is on snapchat nor opened it which i did on purpose to make sure i'd see if he looked.
i'm hurt, distressed, and i'm looking for advice bc half of my friends say 'give him a break, he started a new job' and the other side says 'he's an asshole and it takes 5 seconds to say 'i'm busy' instead of going MIA'
normally a guy who ghosts you will remove you off of everything but?? he hasn't?? i don't know. what do you guys think?
No. 128572
>>128571When messaging doesn’t work, try calling him.
Maybe he does that because he wants to have a proper conversation with you instead of some quick messages (I kinda do that sometimes)? I guess he might be a bit overwhelmed with the job, but speak about it when you two meet. Express that you don’t like to be left without answers and stuff.
Anyways, communication is the basis of relationships, the best thing to do is talk about it asap before it turns into a problem.
No. 128574
>>128345I'm trying to understand this anon's boyfriend's end game. Is he a fat fetishist, and is that why he's gaslighting and verbally abusing anon into thinking she looks 600 pounds and screeches at her for hating fatties cause she says she don't look that bad?
What a strange story. Also where can I find these dudes who don't give a fuck about weight? Lmao
No. 128579
>>128571Sorry for the harsh truth anon but if a guy wants you, he will make time for you. Chances are he liked you well enough but got a better offer at some point.
My advice is to preserve your dignity and don't initiate contact again.
No. 128602
>>128593I've noticed a pattern in my own relationships where after 3 years of living together things go bad and I see a side of them that I didn't know before. So purely based on personal experience I wouldn't get engaged sooner than three years living together
It's hard to say in general but the longer you live together the better chance you have, going through experiences like family deaths, moving house or losing jobs can show you new sides to people which helps you judge long term compatibility
No. 128606
>>128602>family deaths, moving house or losing jobsThis. It's one thing to go through all the happy times together, but you also have to see how they handle the bad times. Do they take it out on you? Do they neglect you instead of working together?
There have been a couple of times where I thought I moved in with someone who I thought was compatible only to find out they couldn't talk about problems without blaming me or someone else, or they would stonewall me completely without communicating. Both of them didn't want to work on these problems and let things get worse until I eventually left…
So yeah, the earlier you go through hard times together and see how they react, the better
No. 128640
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My bf informed me that he slept with a prostitute in the past. He told me that it was only one prostitute and has told me most of the partners he slept with (3/4). We will be getting tested over the next week for STI/STDs. This is a new relationship as we have been together for a little more than a month.
I brushed the subject off because I am not sure when will be the appropriate time to ask him about his previous partners. I am a bit happy as he trusts me enough to even confess this to me as he could have lied or never say it all. Would it be intrusive to ask him to give me full details on his past sexual partners? Are there any other questions I should ask him regarding the subject?
Sorry if I do not know a thing, he is my first bf.
No. 128647
>>128640Save yourself from having this shitty first relationship. He deep down has certain views towards women if he's able to pay prostitutes. He'll be nice now and after a while of dating and fucking this guy those views will slowly start showing.
We're all way too naive in our first relationships and guys will take advantage of that. Don't fuck this guy. You'll forever have the memory of dating prostitute-guy. You can do mental gymnastics to make believe that's ok but it's not
No. 128650
>>128636Have you read the r/deadbedrooms subreddit? The amount of resentment that builds in these situations is scary, and sex every two months is pretty dead for what I assume is a non-married childless and youngish couple?
I've been there too and two years into the issue my husband left. Looking back I thank him for pulling the plug on our 'friendship still masquerading as a relationship' I thought after five years together that I had to just hang in there and keep trying (sunk cost fallacy)
There's a noticable pattern on r/deadbedrooms where people feel locked in by mortgages, marriages and kids and they wish they'd left early in the relationship. The Dead bedroom appears within the first few years of dating and people hang on for many more years like a miracle is going to return the spark. In your relationship you mention that it's not even an issue of low libido but an attraction issue so that's personal to him. It might be painful now but you both deserve full relationships with some passion.
No. 128654
>>128652Yeah the Reddit is mostly bitter and resentful posts rather than productive posts but I guess it's a reflection of what staying in sexless relationships will do. Very few long term posters ever report much improvement
With me, I came home one day and my husband had just left with all his stuff. I thought he was the most understanding person when it came to my low interest in sex but in reality he was silently struggling and wanting out. Looking back it was never going to improve. Unless you are two asexual people you need mutual attraction and it's either there or it's not
No. 128697
>>128654Definetely not a great manner to end a relationship. I’m sorry for what you went through, anon.
I already had “the talk” about sex with my bf several times. All of them ended with him crying and lamenting about literally any other problem in his life that had nothing to do with sex. And I, the fool, always gave him a pass for derailing the conversation because I felt sorry for him.
But now, I notice this pattern where he never owns the problem and goes to fix it. First he said the problem was his weight, but never did the right exercises at gym (he would only focus on arms or legs) or kept a diet. After that, it became “low t” and I had to beg him to seek medical treatments that he didn’t continue because he THOUGHT they weren’t working and never went back to any doctor. Whenever I asked him if he wasn’t interested in sex at all, he would answer like “oh, I am, I really want to have a pleasurable sex life with you” but it was just empty words. With all the stress that came with trying to have sex, I just feel like I lost all the attraction to him. I feel so stupid for letting all of this happen.
Sorry for the ranting.
No. 128735
>>122983I feel like I may have posted This in the wrong thread but I’m not sure as it’s not a relationship
I really like my housemate and I think maybe? He likes me a bit or at least attracted to me but I’m shy af. I’ve been actively avoiding him most of the time since I moved in and it takes everything just to make eye contact. Sometimes we watch tv together with the others or talk briefly around the house but that’s it. He’s been more friendly recently since he and another HM told us that they’re moving out. What do I do?
How do I at least become comfortable around him? We actually have more than Enough shared interests and stuff in common.
No. 128784
>>128769You seem sexually incompatible. If receiving oral is something you want to experience, and she has no interest in performing it willingly, then you will not have a fulfilling sex life.
Let's say you tell her that you don't mind waiting for her to "feel ready" to go down on you. She knows she will never want to willingly give oral and now she is stuck in this situation where every time you have sex she knows that you are wondering "is this the day it happens?"
Meanwhile the feeling of guilt builds up in her because she knows she lets you down every time. It is not healthy for either of you. I recommend that you think about how important oral is, and how important she is. You have to pick one without the "whenever you feel ready."
No. 128807
This is gonna be a long ass sperg but my spouse and I are becoming financially comfortable enough where it's possible to start having a family. However, there's so many things I wanna do beforehand and there's so many feelings I have about having a baby.
For years, I've feared the feeling of having something grow inside me. I have slight health anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder and any "abnormal" sensation puts my body's protection mode (fight or flight) into overdrive. I've been working on it for the past 6 years, was anxiety free for 2 until I had a big setback last year. On top of this I have trauma from being neglected by my parents. I sometimes feel like I'm not mature enough for a child, I still feel like I haven't done a lot of things I wanted to do as a child.
Another thing, my mom was told she was infertile before she had me, both of us have PCOS. I feel like even when I do get over my fear and become ready to have a child, I may not physically be able to. I have a friend who suffers from infertility as well. She recently had a miscarriage and it was so saddening to see her go through this. She's got mental health issues like me so I can't imagine how she's been feeling these past few days.
I know this is something we're not going to deal with in a serious manner for at least a year, he was mainly bringing it up because his sister is due any day now and his brother just had a child a few months ago as well, both are older.
And it's not just his side of the family, I have a half sister and half brother who both have children of their own, I'm not too close to either, I just met my brother a few weeks ago and my sister I met two years ago but it's still a "push".
I honestly love being with children and they love being around me as well, so my fear of having a child of my own confuses me. Majority of my younger cousins always ask to hang out with me. even my spouses eight year old niece begs for me to spend time with her whenever I visit, last time we visited it was basically just her and I sitting on the living room floor playing Jenga and messing with games on my phone while my spouse, his mom, and sister sat at the dining room table. All the other adults know I'm the one the children love to spend time with and it's mainly because I have hobbies children would normally like; drawing, video games. I'm also technically considered straight edge due to bad experiences I had in my early 20s, which is a source of my PTSD.
I just turned 27 and I know I'm still young and for what I've gone through, I deserve the time I have to better myself mentally. I know in a couple weeks I'm going to explain my worries and what priorities I feel I want to accomplish first before a child comes into the picture. Most importantly, us at least getting engaged before we make the choice. It's a big deal for me and my spouse obviously agrees, we talk about how a child is not something to have when you're bored or a relationship fixer, both of us growing up poor and just now starting to get out of that poverty line we're looking at this critically. I know we'll be smart about it, but he kind of put me on the spot earlier asking me when can we. I think it was more of an insecure question and feeling the pressure from his family and friends.
No. 128832
>>128636what
>>128650 said basically. same thing happened to me, i loved him with all my heart but i didn't want to fuck him anymore. i don't want to just blame him, i had my whole heap of issues, but he wasn't exactly good at sex either.
i'd say just open up to him. because while you deserve a fulfilling sex life, he also deserves someone who actually wants to have sex with him. it's a really hard situation, you have to accept you're going to hurt him and live with that. it took me almost a year to finally accept it. maybe way down the line you guys will reconnect and stay friends. maybe not. don't trap yourself in this situation.
No. 128859
>>128774The fact that she won't tell you why.. is really odd
I know people who are definitely attracted to women but won't perform because they are squeamish about bodily fluids. It'd take her five seconds to explain her reason to you. Her lack of communication sounds almost more frustrating than the lack of oral
No. 128894
File: 1575962949449.jpeg (406.69 KB, 1606x1286, 968305BD-E590-4752-ABB3-B9530D…)
What is the purpose of these messages? My boyfriends ex sends him pitiful messages like this every once in a while and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
I mainly feel sorry for her because it seems like she can’t accept our relationship, but I start to wonder at what point this self-indulgent, self-pitying crap will stop. It’s been a year. Is she going to toast some nonsense like this at our wedding?
Can someone please analyze this for me as I am of average intelligence and do not understand the purpose of these messages. They were not in anyway solicited from what I can see.
For context: she regularly sends flirty selfies and previously sent him a photo of her in her knickers about 2 weeks ago. Again these were unsocilited and received no reaction from him.
No. 128898
>>128895He won’t block her because they’re best friends and she’s one of the only friends he has. Have asked him to set boundaries but he says there’s no need.
The fact that she’s only just now realizing that ‘if we’re not going to be together’ is concerning to me, although he hasn’t been responded the way she hoped, I wish he would be more firm
No. 128900
>>128894She says that if they are made for each other, they will be back together some day because of ~destiny~. But she also says that they have responsibility for their relationship and have to take action. It means: "I am ready to be in a relationship with you again. just give me a sign." Agree with
>>128899, he probably is not ready to drop her and enjoys the attention he gets from her, otherwise he would block her. The "best friend" excuse is the standard, but most of my friends who stayed "best friends" with their ex ended up sexually interacting with them again. Did he show you those messages? Or did you find them?
No. 128901
>>128900I found them.
For fucks sake is she really trying to get back together with him?! He’s not interested and I’ve been dating him for the last 6 months. I’ve mentioned her conduct to I’m before and it just ends in disaster we just go around in circles. Why can’t he just tell her stop
No. 128905
>>128901Not sure what your cognitive issue is, but these really are very, very obvious. She thinks that they are made for each other and "The Cosmic Plan" (aka destiny) will bring them together again. This and the fact that she sends him nudes makes her goal pretty clear. And what makes you so sure he is not interested? He didn’t tell you about it, you don’t know what he is up to. You just found out through secretly going through his chats. He could also delete his answers on Discord, just saying. Your anger seems to be focused on the ex girlfriend, but please also keep in mind that your bf does not stop her at all.
I don’t know what
>>128904 is referring to, but if that is true, then…
oof.
No. 128908
>>128905Yes I do have a problem processing things like this which is why I’m asking for help. I don’t know what to do at this point I feel comeoktelt helpless.
His mum and I have both had a serious talk with him about setting boundaries and he earnestly tells us that her intentions aren’t bad and that they’re just close friends. I want him to block her, it’s too much
No. 128909
>>128907sorry, you're right. he left you for her. that's much worse, and after she allegedly raped him, blah blah blah. look, your bf disparages her in a way, but leaves you for her, thinks fondly of her, clearly, does not value enough to block her when it has upset you for how long now? many months now, since you guys have been together again, and prior to that her role in your life upset you too.
honestly i get the feeling your 'fiance' does feel she's fated to be with him, in a way, and wants his cake and to eat it too, or uses you for shallow reasons (you and i both know what those are) but connects to her more deeply, honestly.
No. 128917
I think anon is having a psychotic episode and talking to herself
>>128912 >>128913 One side of her the side that sages, the other one that mercilessly bumps the thread lol.
>>128912 Anon, why are you such a doormat? You want to buy your bf a TV to get a bit of respect from him? That is just not right. He is doing something shady by staying so close to her despite receiving her nudes and romantic messages. If you don’t want that, tell him that it hurts you and that he should set boundaries + block her.
Your relationship sounds messy and you have deep issues. Don’t reward your bf by buying him something. And if what
>>128909 said is true, break up and find someone better.
No. 128919
>>128917this is her most recent update to the situation prior to this one. she just lets him do whatever out of desperation and endlessly enables him:
>>125913i don't know why she's so obsessed with him considering he allegedly doesn't have much to offer at all. i don't get it. there are countless NEET chantards out there. she's young but damn, this is just extreme doormat plainey shit.
No. 128976
File: 1576044992710.jpeg (27.06 KB, 352x312, 468FB879-2C55-4066-B653-9FC20B…)
I think I’m facing trust issues (again) with my boyfriend.
> I tell him I’m doing important stuff this week and that I didn’t tell anyone else because I don’t want other people putting expectations on me and thinking I’m a failure if I don’t succeed, it makes me feel terrible. I ask him to please not tell anyone (he has a history of spreading what I’m doing with my life to everyone, but I trusted him when explicitly asking him to not tell anyone)
> he says he understands
> go tell a mutual friend that I’ve done said thing, as I feel a bit safer now that I might succeed
> she says he told her about it
I’m honestly pretty disappointed in him. It makes me feel a bit paranoid even, wondering what else he has said about me to other people. I’m trying to figure out how to confront him about it.
No. 128977
File: 1576048712182.jpeg (130.74 KB, 556x505, 594D6FEA-A6D9-4164-8688-890D86…)
I feel like a useless and bad girlfriend because I don’t know how to comfort my boyfriend when he’s feeling bad. He wanted me to comfort him over the phone which I agreed to because I love him and I would do anything for him. I said some stuff, but I feel like it wasn’t enough. We were both silent most of the time and I could tell he was waiting for me to continue speaking, but my mind was completely blank. Why am I so retarded?
No. 128997
>>128977The fact that you're willing to reassure him, even though you're unsure of how exactly to go about it, says plenty of how you care for his wellbeing. You aren't a bad girlfriend because you have trouble putting feelings to words.
To start, you love him, right? So tell him how and why. You don't need to wax poetic or get bogged down with trying be profound about it.
What you appreciate about him and how it makes you feel, what strengths of his you find especially compelling when you're together, are fairly simple ways to start. Compliment him on how he carries himself in conversation, his interpersonal abilities when he's around others, if you think it's appropriate. If he's feeling insecure, compliment his looks, reaffirm how attractive you find him. Compliment him on what he's good at doing, his profession, his hobbies, hell, how he cooks his breakfast in the morning. Show him that you're paying attention, even if it's for small things.
Visual aid can be helpful too, so it may be worthwhile to make a list of all his qualities you appreciate and explain from there with specific instances where those qualities were especially apparent to you. Whatever comes to mind when you think on him, write it down, no matter how mundane is seems.
If nothing else, comfort him in a way you yourself would appreciate. Good luck, Anon!
No. 129178
>>128833Looking back because busy. I have gotten tested anyways because why not. I asked about his previous partners. He told me everything he has done with them and was willing to go into detail on the prostitute. Like how he found her, the things they did, and his own feelings towards the experience. I am taking it with a grain of salt because I never know. The only thing that is a red flag to me is that he did not regret sleeping with the prostitute when I asked if he had any regrets towards it. He only felt disappointed.
Despite it happening before we ever met, I felt hurt that he had no regrets. Probably because I could have done so with the same reason (of being horny and wanting a connection and hell I felt those same feeling while single) and still would not choose to go through with it. Despite me being repressed and wanting sex, I still would resist the urge in hopes that I will do it with someone I love and who share those same feelings back. I really should tell him how I really feel about this since all I did was listen just so I can process my own feelings, maybe it might be best if we go our separate ways.
No. 129179
>>128894She's sending them because
he's reading themHe needs to tell her clearly that it's over and to stop sending him messages. He doesn't want to do that because he's enjoying the attention and likes having a backup plan.
>uwu every girl wants me No. 129206
>>129204Eh, I don't think you should be asking for payment for helping him out at all. He's your SO not a stranger on the street. At the same time, he should be contributing and doing things for you as well. If you feel so unappreciated that you're thinking about asking for payment, then my guess is he isn't being a good partner to you and showing enough appreciation. If it really stressing you out, why not tell him you need to focus on your own studies for now?
In any case he should buy you whatever you want. Because he loves you and not because of some quid pro quid bullshit. Someone who cares and loves about you doesn't mind spending money on you. Both my bf and me and like this. We splurge on each other randomly.
No. 129208
>>129206I see, thank you! I guess at the beginning I would buy him stuff randomly but I kind of ended up stopping because it felt really one sided. The situation is quite one-sided at the moment because he won't look at my work or read it so I suppose that's why i felt a bit under appreciated.
I suppose I do feel like I am doing a lot for him, outside of reading his work, I clean and cook mostly & If i don't do it it doesn't get done for days or we get takeaway. You've given me a bit to think about.
No. 129209
>>129208Gosh yeah, I don't know the whole story but it sounds like he's not doing much for you. A couple months into my first relationship I realized my ex wasn't doing much for me either while I was putting in most of the effort. He wasn't as loving or considerate as me. He didn't make me feel more loved or cared about than I would be on my own. I cared about him, and he had some good potential, but I knew I wasn't getting the relationship I wanted so I left (although I tried to talk to him about it first, but no dice). I know it sounds harsh but a lot of the time, the woman puts in WAY more effort than the man. We don't see how low-effort our partner is until later when we're burned out, because we're so busy doing stuff for them.
After that happened to me I realized, if a guy doesn't put in the effort I want upfront or fails to maintain it, then I'm not gonna settle for that. A guy has to show me he's a devoted and committed partner before I can give him my full love and devotion as well. If that bothers him too bad, he can find another woman to laze out on. A man who is worth it will step up because he wants you in his life.
I'm not going to make assumptions about your relationship. But if you're feeling underappreciated you need to think deeply about it and then talk to him. Why does he refuse to read your work? Why doesn't he think he needs to help you cook or clean? What is he really adding to your life? Are you just there because it's comfortable? So you can have someone you can call a partner? Sometimes we fall into relationships and fail to think about how happy it actually makes us.
No. 129227
File: 1576460755590.gif (7.28 KB, 385x310, image004-1.gif)
Are there any manic lovers around here? I'm one and I'm really tired of feeling like a rollercoaster everytime I fall in love or develop a crush on a guy. I get very jealous if they don't pay me attention 24/7 and feel worthless if they start to talk less to me or prefer to hang around with other people.
It's not like I take it out on them, but I do start to distance myself from them once this happens, just to see if they search for me. Most of the time they don't, so I feel even worse if possible. I tell myself I'm not going to approach them ever again BUT I ALWAYS GO BACK TO THE START. Currently, my weekly mood is: Feel nice when talking to crush > feel fucking jealous > feel like a piece of shit not worth of love > ghost crush.
I hate being so attached to a person, my mood depends entirely on how he treats me daily. It's annoying, but I can't help but miss him though he isn't interested in me and just talks to me when he doesn't have anyone around.
I feel like a fucking child and I would like to know if there are other anons who are like me, and how they cope with being like this.
No. 129238
>>129227For obvious reasons, I’m not going to diagnose you. But if this is a pattern that you don’t have any control over, maybe you should go to therapy. I don’t want to bring up my own issues, but I was a lot like this at my lowest moments. It does get better with some time and growth, but in the meantime it can be very emotionally damaging and exhausting. Some of the side effects of these patterns impacted me negatively, and unfortunately, those haven’t gone away with age. I’m sorry that you relate to this form of love, since it’s almost a form of self-sabotage. If you don’t push people away first, this type of obsessive love will push them away. I really hope you find a way to better manage these feelings or overcome this. If you don’t know how to do that, again, I really think you could benefit from some therapy.
No. 129334
Don't know what to do about this one I'm retarded
I recently went out for drinks with a guy, and we hit it off really quickly: we clocked each other as imageboard users, chatted about travelling and politics, and our shit lives. We hooked up and cuddled for a while after and I stayed the night. He was a flirt to the point it just seemed like a massive joke: randomly calling me cute and gorgeous and shit (I'm pretty weirdlooking), saying he'd paint me and write poems about me, etc. But he also kept finding reasons for me to stay and for us to hang out more. He kept me over an hour and a half past the train I was initially meant to catch, which was already sorta late, walked me to the station and saw me off on the platform with plenty of kisses.
I didn't really expect another text and felt a bit like he was making fun of me, but within half an hour of me getting on the train he'd texted to say he had a nice time. We've been texting nonstop (besides our work hours, which more or less line up) since. He keeps making the same flirty comments, but he also invited me over again this weekend and said he wasn't even that bothered about the sex, he just really liked my company. Is that some way of him saying he just wants to be friends or he wants to go on a date? Or am I just reading way too much into this? I've never had a guy text me like this who I didn't end up dating, but he puts the flirting on to the point that it makes me feel like I'm being made fun of.
It's still too soon for me to say I like him obviously and probably same for him but I do really like his company, I just feel like it's all so much that I'm concerned it's one big act to make a joke out of me. Saged as I don't know if I need advice or just to vent?
No. 129341
>>129338Meant to mention we're both looking for something casual, which is why it comes off very strong/fake
>don't fuck again for a whileIs this meme real?
No. 129367
Can anybody share some advice, or tips, on how to help your boyfriend with he's physical self esteem issues? I'm dating a guy who's always struggled with being chubby, and while he's certainty not what I would class as fat, he's clesrly unhappy with his appearance. I want to be able to make him focus on the positives about himself instead, I'm just not sure how best to do it. He hates having his photo taken - when I compliment him on one, his usual response is "I hate it, I'm so fat". I'm currently trying to compliment other parts of his appearance, i.e. hair or clothing, which goes down better. Maybe there's things I could be saying during sex that'll help? I've told him how sexy he is to me during sex before, and it was the first time he didn't say anything back (maybe he was jist distracted though). I also don't want to drown him in compliments or else I know he'll start thinking they're not genuine.
Basically, any anons here who have partners with low physical self esteem, or have that themselves, what helps someone feel good about themselves?
No. 129374
>>129367Can't you help him lose weight? Sounds like that's the only thing that would really help his self image.
You can't do much more than reminding him that you're attracted to him otherwise. And like the other anon said, it kind of seems like he's the kind of guy to be self-deprecating for attention/validation.
No. 129375
>>129367If a girl enthusiastically having sex with him isn't enough for him to stop being a sad sack of shit about his appearance, it's inoperable.
Sounds like there was a glitch in the matrix and some weak fat incel got a girlfriend.
>>129355Men don't get UTIs wtf are you dating a FtM? It would explain the cheesy lovey dovey shit.
No. 129381
>>129367I do the same thing your boyfriend does. Nothing makes me feel better and if he's anything like me he probably isn't going to change. I do think it does help him more than you think it does even if he still feels bad. I am dating someone who never told me I looked nice and it killed me when I'd try to look good. I told him and now he gives me compliments but it doesn't feel genuine. Not sure if your situation is relatable to that but if you are only saying it in response to his comments it probably doesn't feel remotely real to him and it's more like you are just saying it to be kind.
This comment isn't very helpful, I'm sorry. Basically you will just have to deal with his personality being like that and choose to ignore his self deprecation or you can continue complimenting him without it changing him. I'm sure in his own way he does appreciate your comments and feel a little better even if he still feels crappy.
No. 129456
>>122983Mother-in-law's 6 year old constantly insults, disrespects and threatens me & blames me when his father doesn't visit.
>Bf &I have been asked to stop scolding him because he feels 'bullied'.>I have to take him to & from school every day as she had her car seized >Cries every time he is asked to do something>Wakes up multiple times a night>No discipline or consequences for any of this>He is constantly rewarded with toys & affection even following appalling behaviour>Draws on the walls & our door>'I hate you and wish you were dead' (to me)>She now doesn't want us to correct his behaviour at allThis morning, she asked me why I'm so cranky and why I'm holding a grudge against him for asking him to pick up some rubbish he threw on the floor.
I am largely responsible for cleaning her house and I think it's completely reasonable to ask him to pick up after himself.
I'm an experienced childcare practitioner with credentials and I'm baffled by the leniency shown to him.
No. 129495
>>129469This sounds like one of those /r/relationships posts where the "relationship is ideal, except for this one huge red flag". And then we learn that the bf used to chokehold her or some shit. Your man isn't a dog that needs to be trained to give you basic respect. He's doing it to you on purpose. He knows you won't leave, so he chooses not to expend the energy. Once you start threatening to leave that behavior would stop real fast, only to restart when it's safe to again.
He's selfish and you can do better.
No. 129561
>>129558It's okay anon, it will pass.
Block him AND her or don't visit their profiles or that wound won't heal. Take a break and try to focus more on your hobbies, friends and possibly try something new.
No. 129574
>>129558Unfollow him back.
It hurts, but in all honesty he's probably not going back to you. I was in a similar position before, but I wouldn't look at his stories/profile, but every time they popped up on my feed I would get depressed for that night and day after. He unfollowed me, I unfollowed him, it was a weight lifted off my shoulders. No more risk of seeing his posts.
It's normal to be sad. For some, it makes longer than others. If it helps, I tried to separate my emotional mind from my logical mind. My logical mind knows that I will one day get over it and really wants to be over it, but my emotional mind needs to have its tantrum first. Your feelings are temporary. Think of it as progress or a timer/countdown.
>I hate feeling so sad over this, but it's normal to be sad. This sadness now sucks, but I know it is temporary and will fade.If you tell yourself that you're fine and you should just get over it, you may be keeping your emotional mind bottled up. Let it leak out until it's all depleted!
Now of course don't wallow in self-pity all the time, but if you're feeling sad, acknowledge it, and know that it won't be like this for that much longer.
There is nothing wrong with YOU. It is normal to be sad
No. 129579
>>129577Anon, your boyfriend is a manipulative piece of shit, and it only gonna get worse from this point. You're not a pervert in any way, nor you are at fault for trying to improve your sex life. It never should have been ONLY YOU that tries to do that anyway, he whines to hix ex about how your sex is lackluster, but what did he really do himself? He should've talked to you, not her. He must have. And he had absolutely no right to tell someone you know about what you do in bed. And him refusing not to do that again just means he's gonna shit on everything you do, if he didn't already. You're never gonna satisfy him, but the problem is not not you, it's him. You did everything you could. Honestly anon. You deserve so much better. And you can find yourself someone so much better than this parody of a boyfriend.
I know it hurts, but it's gonna get better. You need to love yourself more.
No. 129581
File: 1577040705800.png (94.97 KB, 523x380, EF00EB12-7867-4065-B97E-007E09…)
Hey Anons, I really need a push to break up with my boyfriend face to face next week. I done cried my eyes out already preparing myself, but I know my dumbass is going to cry again while talking to him.
If anyone’s curious as to why I want to break up with him it’s because I don’t see us lasting together a very long time. We both have different lives. Plus I want to do it before he does it because I have a feeling he’s going to break up with me soon, and I want to be the one who calls it so it’s less painful for me. Anyone else been through this? Should I even wait until next week? I didn’t really want to do it this week since it’s Christmas…
No. 129583
>>129579Thank you anon. I just feel like I’m crazy.
I told him I felt my privacy was invaded and that it was disrespectful but he keeps defending his actions and says ‘I’m not going to censor myself’ like. you have to be joking
Ever since the convo he’s been ignoring me and won’t do anything with me
No. 129599
>>129567>If you flirt first and they reciprocate do you also feel repulsed?Yes, that's the problem! I think to a degree it's often that I lose interest because I find something I dislike in them that wasn't immediately apparent, but it's happened often enough that I wonder if it is just that showing interest in me turns me off.
Idk, it's fucked. I want to be in a casual relationship just to have some dating experience but the only men I feel ANY attraction to are unavailable.
No. 129605
>>129556hmm, yeah. i too lose interest in guys who seem to be interested in me and get physically nauseous when someone asks me out. i wonder if this is because i just want the
fantasy of dating? idk, i guess i'm not ready for the real thing. i've never liked someone who i knew was in a relationship though.
No. 129631
>>129561>>129574Thank you, kind anons!
The worst part is that I unfollowed him first though, so I shouldn't even be upset about him unfollowing me (although I do think it's kinda petty? but idk). It's just that feeling that from now on we really won't be present in each other's lives anymore that freaks me out. Like there's a definite cut in our relationship that is impossible to fix now. Even if I ended up re-following him in the future, he probably wouldn't follow me back. I kind of regret unfollowing him..
I really hope that it will set me free in the end though and help me finally heal my wounds! I keep telling myself that I'll leave him in 2019, so I hope that actually works.
No. 129638
>>129583anon, like the other person said, your boyfriend is manipulative and gaslighting you. "I'm not going to censor myself" is a typical line that
abusive people throw out when they get called on being manipulative and
abusive. It's an excuse to try to continue to be an asshole to you.
It's also
abusive and gaslighting to try to tell someone they have a mental disorder. Look up "crazy making" and then think hard about how much of that fits your situation. Break up with him. Leave. There's no reason for him to still be in contact with an ex (other than he keeps her around on the backburner for when you leave him or he gets tired of you OR he's currently fucking her too). Leave the situation before it continues to escalate and you end up feeling more insane and paranoid.
No. 129700
>>129558Sounds like he cut loose the second he couldn't keep up the nice act anymore. Rather than show you his true self he ran. Now you're stuck thinking the three months of acting you saw was "real"
If he was as good of a person as you believe, he wouldn't have cut loose three months in. It looks like he's petty, focused on novelty, and will never be ready to be mature and honest with anyone. You miss an act, not the real him.
No. 129715
Anybody here non-monogamous? And/or has anyone here hooked up casually with a roommate and/or guy friend?
My roommate is sending mixed signals towards me and I have no idea what to do, or just do nothing.
I have a boyfriend and he lives with us as well, but for the past couple months I’ve been spending more time with the roommate than my bf due to my bf being the type to love and support me unconditionally but in his free time he does solitary things, and never wants to plan something with me. (When I try it’s a battle so I’ve given up but I’ve found company in my roommate).
I am attracted to him, but I don’t see myself actually dating him. I am getting so sexually charged for him, mind you my boyfriend doesn’t even want to have sex anymore and the past few weeks I’ve felt no desire to with him anyways.
But it’s my roommate. Not some guy who lives somewhere else. I want this friendship, but what kind of friend tossles my hair multiple times, comes to see me at my job saying “I just came to see you!”, plays video games with me every night for hours, repots my plant when he sees that it needed it (while not repotting his own), makes memes just for me, (lame I know..but it’s cute), inviting me for breakfast each morning following our night outs every Saturday night. I dance so close to him, we’ve grinded multiple times… but in the uber he turns his whole body away from me.
It’s fucking frustrating and I’m just venting because my boyfriend and I are open about liking other people, roommate isn’t aware though, and all that but everyone says don’t shit where you eat. But god damn sometimes all I can think about is him and how I want him to try to make a real move on me.
No. 129761
>>129751Tbh I wouldn't want to spend time with my family if they constantly made digs at something they knew I was insecure about either. Can't blame her there, that's shitty.
It doesn't sound like you have a great reason to be disgusted at her considering it sounds like she's never done anything to you, and your biggest gripe is that conjecture that she's trying to pop one out before you so she can steal the family honeypot away from you. Lol, this feud is so manufactured it belongs on a soap opera.
No. 129762
>>129728My boyfriend does the same shit every night and quite frankly it’s boring. It’s strange, I’ve gotten bored, maybe. We were both never really sexual to begin with (my lack of experience and his trauma).
We tell each other we love each other, he’ll tell me he’d die if I left him, or he cries because he thinks about how much he loves me. Is that a guilt thing?
This is my first boyfriend I’ve ever had and I am so afraid that no one will ever love me like this again. I feel trapped frankly though because if I break it off I can’t stay in the city anymore since I don’t have enough money for a new security deposit (I know I can’t get my current one back), so I’d be leaving it all and the reason I came to the city was for my art, not love, so it’s also me being a dumbass for straying from my passion.
They are friends but not as close as he and I are. My roommate has expressed numerous times he wants to do things with my boyfriend but my boyfriend, being antisocial doesn’t really /do/ anything.
You’re right though. I need to halt these feelings and not shit where I eat, thank you for the reassurance!
No. 129776
File: 1577351255261.jpg (86.34 KB, 800x600, me.jpg)
I can barely stand my boyfriend.
He's 29 and I am 20, and we've been together for around 7 months. He is becoming jaded and unmotivated. I don't mind our age difference, I've definitely learned from him but now I feel as though I'm starting to grow past him. He seems unable to change. The only thing that isn't stopping me from dropping everything and moving away from my town is a month long vacation we have planned out of the country, but I am honestly scared I will want to be ripping my hair out every second we are on the vacation together. (He bought me a ticket to go with him after around 2 months of us dating.) The sex is great and he's funny but he's lives with his sister and her children, and it's honestly the most depressing thing. He has a cat that pisses everywhere and he won't listen to me in regards of getting rid of it and it's just so fucking unfair to his niece and nephew. He eats like shit, doesn't exercise, and claims he wants to change these things but never does.
I doubt he will ever change and now I feel as though I am wasting time. I honestly can't even stand to be around him sometimes. I feel as though I am being unfair but he hasn't put in the steps to change the entire time we have been together.
TL;DR- I am dating a man baby and I feel trapped because he bought me a ticket to go on a month long vacation with him two months into our relationship.
No. 129777
>>129776> I don't mind our age difference, Well you should, men who date significantly younger women are gross but at the very least they should be well off. You don't even get the one benefit you should expect from an older man, tf is the point?
You are 20 and it's only been 7 months. You haven't exactly sunk a tonne of time into him, I'm sure he can find a friend to go on vacation with him instead.
No. 129778
>>129776>month long vacationWhat is this? Do neither of you work? That's insane to put that on someone he just started dating. If you go on the vacation you will just be playing mommy the whole time looking after him.
It also sounds like you don't kmow him well enough or even like him enough to tolerate a one month vacation.
No. 129781
>>129778We both work. He pretty much paid for the vacation.
>>129780You're right–I can't change a 29 year old man and I realized this weeks ago. I've been treating him as a friend and it's been pretty relieving. I can't control or change anything in his life and I don't plan on staying with him forever lol. We have known each other for over a year and I was apprehensive to date him because of his age and he felt similarly which is why we didn't pursue anything romantic until 7 months ago. I care about him deeply for sure, I guess I'm just venting things I've noticed in him. He won't change but that doesn't mean I can't try and enjoy this vacation. He's said either way we go he doesn't mind… Dating or not. I guess as time goes on he is just getting more codependent, and I'm getting irritated with by it.
No. 129785
>>129781Just…30 year old guy booking
one month long vacation for his 20 year old girlfriend he just started dating.
This suggests he knows it's not gonna last, and wants to get the most out of you that he can in your "prime sexual worth" age of 20.
I can guess the plan is something like: get a month of constant sex, cooking, cleaning, attention etc from you, while you are trapped abroad and reliant for him to pay for your ticket out.
No. 129807
File: 1577385745310.png (198.96 KB, 446x444, 1577173681055.png)
I just want to know if I am overreacting or not. My boyfriend and I weren't able to spend Christmas together because I wanted to come back to my family for a week. So we've decided a month beforehand that we are going to talk on vc for a few hours during Christmas. I was making sure every few days if that's fine with him, if he is still up to do it, etc. On Christmas Eve I've told him I will be availabe all day, so he should let me know when he wants to vc. He has decided to let me know that he wants to do it just before I was going to bed, after he has been online for around 13 hours (his family doesn't celebrate Christmas so he was alone).
I got pretty upset with him, because he could have just told me that he doesn't want to vc. I would have spent the day visiting my cousins instead of waiting for him to come around. He makes me feel like I am the biggest drama queen because I've asked him to try to improve his communication skills. Is this really such a non-issue?
No. 129811
>>129809Yeah, well it’s unlikely you are going to die from weight related causes at 125lbs so maybe it’s understandable, but if you are a hambeast and your family are telling you to lose weight so you don’t die at age 50, accept the
valid criticism.
No. 129822
>>129811None of us here know if that's the case or not because OP never mentioned if the girl is an actual morbidly obese. You're the one that's jumping down throats because god forbid someone tell you to take your unsolicited advice and blow it out your ass.
Hopefully someone will shit on you "for your own good" someday so you can have a little thimble of your own medicine.
No. 129972
>>129965All I'm hearing is that he thinks he can do better than you and wants a 'break' to see if he can upgrade.
Don't be his last resort sis.
No. 129988
>>129926They're just trying to hire a prostitute for free, anyone seriously interested in kink stuff that wasn't trying to scam normies would use kink specific sites
Basically you'd be turning up to service them and there would be no further communication or relationship. I don't like how it's always the guy running the account and using his girlfriend as a lure
No. 130101
File: 1577787924794.jpeg (62.19 KB, 642x579, 15E319E4-AA92-4A06-877B-A65051…)
How often do your boyfriends/husbands say things like “I care about you” “you mean a lot to me” etc? Just sweet sentimental things like that? My bf almost never says those things and he acts annoyed when I ask for reassurance
No. 130108
My s/o's sister has a relationship problem and I am worried about her, wanting your opinion.
She and her bf been dating for 8 years together, 4 out of which they lived together. Both are kind people (at least seem like ones) and pretty much show affection towards eachother. Though she is really highly insecure about her weight and appearance in general, plus depression is always kicking her.
Apparently, during their first year they already had a red flag. He realised he wasnt ready to live with her, packed his things during night and left the house. He couldnt leave permamently because not enough guts, returned some hours later. She never told about it before. They havent visited her homecountry since that happened for 2 years which now I can see why; she was too scared he would leave again.
And so, when me and my s/o got married, she decided to push her bf onto marriage, too. But for some reason they decided to marry in her homecountry, dont know if it was her or his idea.
They came here, spent christmas and her birthday and right after her birthday he packed his things again while everyone were sleeping, took his things, drove to airport and left to his country. He refused to answer to any call, only talked to her mother to tell her how to return her daughters things. He said that he couldnt bear with her depression anymore.
And as you understand, she still wants him back and I am afraid thats what would happen when she actually deserves someone better. I am still shocked over this situation. She kept calling him yesterday and messaging him everywhere.
She never went to uni and doesnt work, maybe it could also distract her from things since no one can afford therapy.
No. 130115
>>130112Yeah it was shitty but I guess he thought making sure he was in her home country with her mom was for the best? It def could've been worse on her.
Awful situation all around though, I hope they don't get back together. And that she can find some help with her depression and someone that loves her for her.
No. 130132
>>130106I really wish my relationship was like that. I always say it to my bf but he barely ever reciprocates or just jokingly says that I’m being “cringe.”
>>130107>i bet you feel like a whimpering dog clawing at a door waiting for its owner to return?That’s exactly how I feel. I used to feel like I was being really annoying and “high maintenance” but I feel like deep inside I know I love him more than he loves me. I’ve had 2 talks with him about wanting him to be more affectionate but nothing changed. He was so lovey-dovey during the honeymoon phase and I miss it so desperately.
No. 130140
File: 1577836601939.jpg (32.35 KB, 512x512, emojipedia-vomiting-emoticon-a…)
>>130132>he barely ever reciprocates or just jokingly says that I’m being “cringe.”Girl runnn. That right there is an emotionally constipated, immature manbaby.
My ex was like that, but instead he would insult me and tell me I sound like an old married woman, then when I fought back he'd say "my sense of humour is just autistic lol stop taking everything so personally".
No. 130174
>>130108Eight years and this poor woman has nothing to show for her emotional investment except this man ditching her in the middle of the night. She needs to stop chasing him, he doesn't truly want her and he's a coward. He'll only return to her if he encounters difficulties or other financial problems after striking out on his own when he can use her for his convenience again.
She needs to find a job or go back to school. It will help her with depression and allow her to get some independence. Right now she's co-dependent which is why she's desperately pining after a man who abandoned her. She'll be depressed for awhile after this (I mean who wouldn't in her shoes?) but assure her that she's better off.
No. 130224
>>130147Lmfao i fucking cant with some of y'all
>>130146Girl, just tell him you appreciate him calling you cute but you prefer other words that doesnt make you feel like a pet.
No. 130275
>>130244His feelings are not your responsibility, you say your're feeling drained, sad, and depressed but has he considered you like you're considering him?
You say he says he'll change but makes no effort, you're already putting so much consideration into his feelings more than he is any of yours. Yes, it'll suck and yes it'll probably bum him out but you can't just let yourself suffer because you're scared he'll have hurt feelings. Sometimes moving on for both of you is the best option instead of you feeling trapped and depressed and him just being enabled to stay the same.
No. 130285
>>130244I was you 4 months ago. I promise you, he'll be okay. He'll grow up. If he isolates himself that's not your fault or responsibility, that's on him being childish.
I'd recommend cutting contact with him as much as possible if you're scared about his reaction and the way it will affect him. It's harsh, but if seeing him hurting is going to make you feel guilty you don't have to know about it. It's easier not to.
He's not going to change his behaviour, he's giving you the same old lines because he knows they work and he can see you still stick around. You can't change him if you aren't giving him any incentive to change his act: he still gets to keep you around even if he knows you're unhappy, he's not facing any consequences. Leave him, and be honest with him about why. That's the only way he'll ever grow up.
You're clearly not happy with him. Don't stick around for his benefit, you'll just grow to resent him.
No. 130293
>>130260>>130275>>130285Thanks for the advice, anons. I did it. It actually went pretty well, with a lot of ugly crying from my part lmao
He understood everything and didn’t insist. At least I’m happy we can still consider each other friends and didn’t end the relationship with a horrible fight or anything. I’m feeling kinda empty right now but I know it’ll be alright sometime.
Thanks again.
No. 130342
File: 1578165887982.jpg (182.07 KB, 1080x1349, 1565412023169.jpg)
I've been talking to a guy for a couple months now. For me this is huge because I usually go out of my way to avoid men, dealing with them or dating them. The one time I didnt and made the mistake of falling in love with one, the guy made me feel like absolute garbage for not looking like the asian kpop girl of his fantasies.
I was thinking this time around that maybe this guy is finally different, that maybe I had men all wrong and maybe this was finally someone who enjoyed me for exactly who I am…until the subject of exercise came up and he got a little pushy about how I should get into toning up. I'm not even fucking fat, I'm 5'3 and 130pounds. I'm just average albeit a little busty.
Is it over ladies? Should I ghost him? I feel like I'm already starting to see the writing on the wall here. I don't really wanna have to be paranoid about my weight or body, but at the same time up until that point he hadn't made a single mistake. Should I try to wait out an apology? I think he can at least tell that he's hurt my feelings. I'm so bummed out, this shit aint fair. I don't even talk to chads, why are geeks so awful too.
No. 130343
>>130335nta, but what about online friends? It could also help you.
>>130342Depends on how it was worded, imo. If fitness is one of his hobbies then maybe he wanted to you to sort of join him? If not, tell him to fuck off.
No. 130346
>>130345I personally wouldn't put up with it since I'd never act that way myself and so I expect to be treated as I treat them. Also dating someone you aren't attracted to as they are with plans to change their looks is rarted.
So would you egg
him into getting abs or something? If not, leave him.
No. 130350
>>130342>>130345Dump him, and be cold about it. You've invested nothing by just 'talking' to him for a couple of months so you have nothing to lose but a piece of shit who wants to mould you into his perfect 10/10 gf.
Men need to be taught that if they don't like our bodies, they don't get access to them. They will only learn if we start breaking up with them when they start tearing down our self esteem, otherwise they will just keep using our bodies while resenting and insulting them. He doesn't deserve your attention and you don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. It's one thing if you were married and put on a lot of weight over time, but you were like this from the start and it's not like your weight is high enough to be a health problem he could be concerned about.
Unfortunately I don't have advice beyond that. I've heard so many stories just like yours, perfectly normal looking girls who are never good enough for men raised on porn, and get hurt badly when the man feels entitled to comment negatively on your appearance. I don't really bother with men anymore but one of my top rules and boundaries has become 'break up with a man the INSTANT he is cruel about your looks'.
No. 130353
>>130351Honestly, a lot of people might think it's a red flag idk, but it would never bother me. My husband is the exact same, and it's just because he's a quiet guy and enjoys his own company. We are both quite introverted though and I keep to myself as well.
If this is the only thing that's made you raise an eyebrow about him, I really wouldn't let it bother you, as long as he seems nice and well-adjusted and just a quiet guy rather than an autistic NEET who never leaves the house or talks to anyone ever.
>>130116I've just seen this response too and my husband also doesn't use any social media and never has. It's a really particular trait in guys that I rarely see and really like. Specifically enjoying your own company and not really understanding the buzz about social media etc. They tend to be decent guys.
>>130352You bruised his ego for sure Anon, what a little smegma coated bitchboy. I bet your belly is cute as fuck, and soft and warm, and he should eat shit tbqh
>>130350This entire comment is prime advice. Take it!!
No. 130354
>>130353It was quite marshmallowy back then because I was depressed due to how he treated me, but now I have lost a lot of my puppy fat so jokes on him. He's now got a beer gut and looks like shit. When I told him he didn't smell good I plainly said 'You don't smell too fresh… wanna shower first?' and he got in a shitty mood. I could have told him 'boy, your dick smells like a fish tank - fix it' but I guess that serves me right for being conscious of someone's feelings.
But thank you. Past me was sad about her belly and this comment would have made her day.
No. 130396
>>130361I don't know the particulars of your
abusive relationship, but maybe you're unwilling to outlast the honeymoon period because after that is when your partner gets comfortable and might be willing to let
abusive behaviors start showing. You've already got time invested, you've already got a lovebombing groundwork from the lovely honeymoon phase. So subconciously you might be pulling away before you can get thrown into a bad relationship again?
Or maybe the bad relationship made you just want things that are casual and fun and not so intense so you get bored quickly. Idk anon but I hope therapy helps!
No. 130403
>>130361I think you’re just scared of being hurt again. It’s frequent for abused people to be scared of letting go of fears and escape from relationships when shit gets serious.
Or I might be projecting.
No. 130407
When is the right time to have the "what are we" talk?
There's a guy I guess I've been 'seeing' for about a month now. Before I met him we were both pretty much looking for a casual fwb arrangement. When I actually met him though we sort of clicked, we both have a lot in common and I really enjoy his company, we've both said that we like just hanging out together, we tend to get high, watch netflix and cuddle. He compliments me a lot and talks about all the places he wants to take me, and we've even had meaningless phone calls.
I've met up with him three separate times but I always stay over and we generally do something the next day so I guess we've spent 6 days together really. I feel like I've known him a lot longer and again we do text quite a lot.
I don't want him to think I have the wrong idea, and I do have a lot of trust issues so I'm not just about to jump into anything hugely serious, but I also want to know if there's the potential there for us to be a couple, because it's hard to tell if this is how he usually treats girls he meets up with or not. I don't think I'd really mind either way this early on, but there's certain things he does that just strike me as kind of couple-y, and I guess I just want to know what he wants or where he's at? How do I go about that without freaking him out?
No. 130416
>>130407Don't put that cuddly behaviour on a pedestal.
Red flags all over your post so I'm gonna restate your situation for you so that you can see it from a dispassionate perspective before adding my thoughts :)
He could be into you. Or, he could just be starved of female attention and grabbing while it's on offer, he did propose nothing more than an fwb situation, after all.
You agreed to the fwb thing, so expecting anything more after just 3 days might be a bit too soon. So be prepared for that.
However, you need to protect yourself and your feelings first and foremost. If you're falling hard, you're gonna have to force the conversation sooner rather than later or you might get your feelings hurt further down the line. Not to mention wasting time cuddling a guy who sees you as nothing more than a hole that cuddles him when you could be investing that time into finding a man.
There's no shame in any of the above, just look out for yourself and your feelings first and foremost. Only you know what you are and are not able to live with, what other people find appropriate may not work for you. So don't go getting a bunch of advice and doing something that might work for others, but may not be good for you.
No. 130417
>>130410ntayrt but if you aren't already, I'd seriously consider attending some kind of therapy. PTSD isn't a joke and shouldn't be taken lightly, and if you're struggling as badly as you claim, to the point of constant tears, it's time to start taking steps to improve your situation and addressing your problems. It's never too late to ask for help, anon, never forget that.
Also,
>and your partner doesn't feel bad for you but just thinks it's annoying that you cry so muchAre you looking for pity from him or understanding? Do you want his reassurance in the situation or his agreement in justifying your behavior? Your boyfriend is not your therapist, and is not a suitable replacement for one, which could also explain his reactions to your displays of distress. Without further context to your situation, this is as best a guess I can make.
Otherwise, please take care of yourself, no one else can or should do it for you.
No. 130420
>>130410Ya I'd echo the other reply: your bf isn't there to be your therapist.
Bf's should console you if you're sad for a specific reason, of course.
But if it's ongoing sadness that makes you unable to stop crying on the regular, or ptsd or the like, then you really need to start seeing a counsellor and talk to them about what you're feeling so that they can prescribe a treatment plan. Counsellors have training for this. Your bf doesn't.
Relationships are meant to be two people enjoying their lives together. You can't expect your bf to be your therapist or to 'fix' you.
Sorry to hear you're going through painful times, hopefully you're able to find a certified counsellor and start feeling better soon.
No. 130443
>>130442Adults try and solve the problem themselves, especially if it's something simple like a shower, instead of breaking down into tears and texting their boyfriend, then posting about it on the internet and excusing their behaviour every time they get a response that isn't what they expected.
I'm not being insulting "for no reason", you literally said yourself that you cried because you couldn't figure out how to use a shower. That is childish behaviour, and I am pointing it out.
I will echo
>>130420 and say that you need therapy, badly. It's not my job to care about your self-esteem and censor myself on the internet. If you don't like the advice received here, seek it elsewhere. That's all the time I'll spare out of my day to reply to you, take it or leave it. The world isn't your mom.
No. 130449
>>130438I used to get worked up over small things like this and feel like people were mean when they couldn't put up with it or called me names.
Therapy helped me.
No. 130500
Anyone have any advice on being with a guy that is closed off? I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and generally we get along but I just feel resentful towards him sometimes.
He's the type of person that doesn't really share much about them and I'm a lot more open with my feelings. In 4 years I feel I'm the only one that always starts arguments, and usually they always end in a way that is unsatisfactory to me. He's very much of the "I don't know" or the "I don't know what you want me to say" variety. He makes me think I'm just complaining unnecessarily most of the time because he's always fine with everything. Like he never has any issues with me until I have problems with him. I just find myself sometimes getting into arguments wanting him to spill his guts but it never happens. He usually just frowns and stares at me or gets annoyed and just states he doesn't know what to say.
Usually his excuse is that he's different from me and he's just closed off and when he feels bad he prefers to mull it over himself and not bring it up with me. And he also states that I just want him to say a particular thing and that I'm waiting for that and he never knows what it is.
Girls I just feel so frustrated when we argue. It's really bad to be the only one that has problems in the relationship and the idea that he's not the type to admit he has any issues just makes me paranoid and makes me ask him constantly if he's ok, is everything ok, etc and that just pisses him off more.
The worst part is that we don't get along badly, but I just feel there's no depth to our relationship. We usually meet twice a week at night and he goes to work the next day. I don't mind the distance since I'm a bit of a loner too, but we've never even been more than 24 hours together and have never taken a trip. I've mentioned it and he's not the type to say no, but he never plans anything himself and I feel resentful that for something exciting to happen in our relationship I have to be the one to do it.
Anyone ever dated someome like this? This all came up because last week we had sex and the condom broke. I wasn't taking medication so I went and took plan b. I'm a bit paranoid so maybe I misunderstood him but he got super awkward and I didn't understand why. I asked him and his reply was "nothing, just weird, was a weird situation". And that just annoyed me because… we've been going out for 4 years! How are you still awkward with me?? With such a common thing to happen too. It was just a weird feeling I got and he just told me "nothing happens, it was just a weird situation, you're making too much of it. I'm OK, stop asking". It's hard for me to put into words why it bothered me. I just wanted him to be like "oops haha let's look for the pill" and be normal, not get all quiet and shit. I'm not easy because I get anxious as fuck, but I still tried to be chill about it.
No. 130503
>>130500This whole thing, I could have written it. Absolutely uncanny.
Honestly, it gets more and more frustrating over time and can make you feel retarded or insane for being the one who starts a heated conversation or argument and can feel extremely lonely and sad after a few years. If you're someone who craves emotional love and fun and conversation, I wouldn't stay long term. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I definitely have been through this exact situation and no amount of years of help or talking or figuring out if he's depressed or therapy or ANYTHING worked long term, he would still just be like "meh" and it drives you fucking insane after a while
No. 130507
>>130500>>130503 Holy fuck anons, I feel like I ghostwrote this.
Male psychology is simple so what helped me was going cold turkey on him after one of the arguments. I stopped initiating contact, making plans or asking to meet up. Couple weeks later and he seemingly got the idea and started actually working on his communication skills. Don't let him get comfortable and expect you to pour your heart out each time you argue.
No. 130510
>>130507Yes seems like it's a male issues sometimes. They are usually more closed off. I will definitely have a talk with him but I feel maybe I need to move on from this relationship. I've definitely had moments where I've waited for him to step up and it doesn't easily happen. And maybe it's already too damaged to salvage…
I asked the same in Reddit and someone replied with the following and it was just uncanny on how our discussions go:
With any discussion/serious talk/argument, I’d always be calm and prompt him to share his feelings. He looked like he was always thinking of how to say something then “I don’t know” would roll off his tongue. I’d tell him my emotions, then explain why. I’d start his sentences, prompt him, stay silent for him to speak, do it when he’s confident/happy — no matter what: “I don’t know” is the only response.
By the end, it infuriated me. How can someone be like this?! At least say “I hate you” or “fuck you” or something. Anything would have been welcomed. He would quickly go from nervous to annoyed and I would have a short window before he’s angry. It’s like public speaking for them I guess, the anxiety builds up and they explode. They want to keep peace and leave the situation. Except it’s NOT OKAY. They are adults and if they choose to be in a relationship, then they should start acting like they’re in one.
No. 130511
>>130507>>130510Aight I'm
>>130503 and I refuse to believe you're not both me
No. 130513
>>130511Wonder why it happens so much, I guess it's the usual "man are not supposed to express feelings" shit. It just annoys me that they go through life feeling like it's OK not to. I've had so many conversations where I've asked him to change and he gets angry that I would ask since he is what he is.
Like yes, I get that we're not all the same, but I pushed change on him so much since I will never think that the way he handles relationships is healthy. I can just envision him having the exact issue in future relationships over and over.
Also I hated this guy replies on my reddit post. Made me feel like shit.
You're the problem, not him, and you know it too. Having your boyfriend admit to it would make you feel better but he is being sincere and accept g you how you are. In the other hand you are being petty,
problematic and selfish by forcing him to say something so you feel better. Get to feel better yourself by your own. You will be happier and the relationship will improve.
No. 130526
>>130525Focus on you. Stop reminiscing about guys who've wasted some of your life.
Instead of moping, fill your time by only doing things that make you happy. Hobbies, creative things, whatever.
Try reading some of the posts on r/femaledatingstrategy too. Especially read about the kinds of guys you really want in your life: you need a guy who'll be there for you and your potential kids everyday for the next 50 years. So don't settle for the first guy who ticks all your boxes. Be choosy. And drop the flakes as soon as they wave any red flags because there's plenty of desirable men out there for you to choose from.
This guy has abandoned you once, and he'll do it again. So don't get back with him ever.
No. 130532
Okay so, many years ago me and this guy almost had a thing but ended up dating other people.
I carried on having a crush on him for a while, not like a mega crush like just a small one, not a Joe-from-you type scenario.
Anyway, he ended up leaving our friendgroup and moving away and now he is back. I have a partner who I have been with for a long time who treats me amazingly, like 100% not at fault in this scenario.
Anyway, since friend has been back, I've literally been dreaming about him most nights. I want to just make out with him and get it over with (I'm not a casual sex person anyway) to get him out my system but obviously, I'm not going to do that as I have a partner. I can't avoid him as that means not seeing my friends either, and when we do go out he is playful flirty (not like, actual flirting but playing up for my attention)
Long story short, how do I stop crushing on someone I can't really avoid or do anything to resolve?
Ty
No. 130535
>>123076CBT is a type of treatment, rather than your first port of call. It's best when prescribed to the patient, rather than something they just elect to do without professional oversight.
(Although CBT practitioners are fine and will happily take your money and do their best to help; its best to consider something like CBT as analogous to other types of treatments such as, if you had an arm injury, your doctor would prescribe some physical therapy. But you'd be very unlikely to just pop into a physical therapy clinic and ask for treatment without a doctor prescribing that treatment).
Try to find a licensed counsellor or licensed therapist that has experience with OCD to oversee your bf's treatment. They'll prescribe whatever specific treatments they feel will help manage his illness.
Your local city/state/national websites should have lists of licensed counsellors & therapists.
(The difference between them is: Licensed Counsellors typically try to manage issues with talk therapy, as much as possible. While refraining from prescribing specific treatments unless they feel it's absolutely necessary. Licensed Therapists will use talk therapy too but take a more managerial approach and prescribe various types of therapy (such as CBT, or talk therapy with a counsellor), and then they make decisions about future treatments based on how each therapy improves the patient. Therapists tend to be more expensive, but a more intense experience because they'll send you to various therapies and basically manage your progress. Counsellors tends to be cheaper but more focused on actually improving day-to-day self esteem.)
Unless specifically prescribed, stay away from psychiatrists, they often won't do any of the above. Their profession is mainly focused on prescribing medications to manage patients' symptoms. (Note that, if medication is absolutely necessary, licensed counsellors and licensed therapists are trained to identify when medications may be necessary and would prescribe a visit to a psychiatrist to have the patient assessed and diagnosed, and if necessary, put on a medication treatment.)
This is all a minefield of confusion for regular people so I hope that was helpful. There's a ton of nuance and overlap between these three professions, but that's the main differences you need to know right now in order to figure out what's best for you and your bf going forward.
Just make sure you only seek treatment from people that are listed on the various government-approved licensing body websites available in your locality. Don't go to quacks or anyone that's not listed on a properly accredited licensing body website.
No. 130578
>>130542Original anon. I told him we needed to talk, we're meeting tomorrow since he can't Today. I think I'm going to break things off but I still feel a lot of guilt and fear of regretting it. I also dislike the idea that this will feel "out of nowhere" for him, but I can't really do much about that.
I'm also really scared that this is all more a result of the plan b pill and that I'm just very emotional. But I do think I didn't state anything that I have't though of before…
>>130503Can you elaborate how breaking up felt? How did he react? Were you together long?
>>130507Do you feel your relationship is a lot better now? I honestly don't think I have the patience to do this, each day that passes I just feel more inclined to break it off because so many things are just off with our relationship. But I'm really interested in hearing how you both surpassed it.
No. 130579
>>130576Why can't you build your own career while he builds his?
> he straight up told me “this is making me think this is not a good match”.If he's pressuring you not to focus on your career when you want to, he sounds like the piece of shit. Without more details not sure what to say, but make sure your finances are in order and think about if you need to break it off.
No. 130580
>>130579Should have given more details…At that time, I was singlemindedly focused on my research/career to the extent that he felt neglected. TBF, bring emotionally there for him wasn’t at the top of my list. So, he was justified, it was in the context of “if this is what life together is going to be like in the longterm, it’s a bad match”. For the record, he was definitely emotionally available for me - so, no, he was not the bad guy here. At any rate, it lit a fire under my butt and I didn’t do it again.
My point is that I can’t have it both ways…where I am, if you don’t bust your ass you might as well just give up. There are a million far more talented and intelligent people who will take your place. If I dedicate the time I
want to my career, it means my current relationship and future marriage is in danger. Fiancé is not in the same situation because he laid the groundwork for his career years ago and can now more or less set his own pace. That groundwork involved working 24/7 with no life. He wouldn’t be in the enviable position he is today if he hadn’t done that. I can’t get to where I
want to be if I don’t do that myself - but doing so will be terrible for this relationship. Feels like I will lose either way.
No. 130586
>>130578I would call it off. It sounds like your love languages just aren't compatible, that that's a fundamental system unique to each person. If you're making the effort 90% of the time, your lashing out because your frustrated. For him, the work is done.
The girl I know who is in a relationship like this has called it on and off for a year. She got one nugget out of him last year that hinted that he's more into girls who used to make fun of him in high school (very preppy), and she kind of fits that bill in activities but not personality at all. The "I'll be cold and distant" and then he'll realize what he's missing never stops. You're never satisfied. Guys like this are just passive. Being in a relationship like this doesn't bother him in the slightest. It gives the impression of being a placeholder.
BTW, that girl is now risking losing her job to move across the country so they can live in the same city, but not together. That's "her choice" AKA he doesn't want to, but if she wraps it in a way that makes it seem to others like it is, it makes her feel less bad.
Everyone should feel wanted by their partner. Thoroughly. Doesn't sounds that way at all.
>>130580That last part is what you need to say, followed by what you are going to do. You can say, "Last time I realize I was not always emotionally available to you, but I'd prefer to practice that and work on it with you while I explore this option than do it alone."The larger issue is, does he want you to have a 9-5 career or will he expect you to stop and be a house-wife. There's actually no compromise in that scenario.
No. 130599
>>130580So he can work 24/7 with no life to set his career up but when you do it you're the bad guy?
I'm in a similar position with setting up career/no life and I empathize with people in that position, odd that he did not learn empathy in that time.
No. 130659
File: 1578624985481.jpg (5.43 KB, 236x236, external-content.duckduckgo-16…)
I love my boyfriend and see myself building a future with him but I'm not a huge fan of his family. Particularly his mom, who is frankly a massive, judgemental bitch who he lets bully him. Anons how does one cope with this
No. 130692
File: 1578673219146.jpg (7.46 KB, 225x225, 1553158996780.jpg)
Hey guys, I'm in need of some friend advice. So, I've had a male e-friend for a few years. We get along well, but every time I'm in his area (I travel for work) he never wants to meet. After this happening a few times, I got frustrated and asked him what the problem is. Apparently, because I flirted with him 2 years ago, he feels too uncomfortable to meet up. I stopped flirting because he refused to voice call me because of his insecurities. He's had several girlfriends since then but is still a virgin.
I feel kind of weirded out by this and don't really want to be friends anymore, which is sad because we were close. Thoughts?
No. 130772
He hasn't been answering a text I sent him like four days ago. We were our usual sweet selves before that, then radio silence. We don't see each other very often, I try to be my best self when I'm with him and it felt like it had worked (I'm usually incredibly emotionally fragile, will cry just thinking about university, I have depression and anxiety, yada yada): he seemed so much more vibrant and happy to spend time with me, at the end of a date he actually asked to see me again before day xyz, which has never happened before since we usually plan them via text. He actually opened up about some stuff, which is an incredible goal for men and even more for him specifically, he told me sweet stuff (weird, again) and interrupted himself when he was about to call me a pet name. I just want to spend time with him, I feel safe and cared for when we're together, could run away and live in a hole in the ground with him. But he doesn't answer.
No. 130856
>>130855They most definitely need to heal. I know of people who broke down the first time they tried to have sex or be affectionate with one another because it was so
triggering. Just support them, be there for them, let them initiate when they feel ready.
No. 130858
>>130856I'm fine with supporting them and giving them time. So you think that I should stick around?
My friends suggested that I should just move on, but I think I'm gonna stay for a bit and see how it goes. Me and this person are just friends right now, but to me it doesn't feel right to just drop them like that. If they start ghosting or showing they're not interested anymore, then I'll drop them.
No. 130923
>>130908Thank you, I will definitely do that.
Just for curiosity, how are you handling your relationship with this someone you're into? Do you keep some distance from them? Are you ever flirty with them? Or do you act just as a friend to them? Do you feel pressured if they make a move on you? Would you feel sad if they stopped talking to you or found someone else, or would you encourage them to find someone else?
Just to have some perspective from someone who's going through that situation in first person.
No. 130943
>>130923We have been friends for a long time so we act like friends and with busy life that we both have there is distance between us. Flirting really only happens when it's just us alone because I'm not big into PDA.
As far as first move. He doesn't, he lets me decide when I when I'm ready and if he does try to make the first move he ask before everything.
I'll tell you what I told him. "I can't ask to wait for me because I don't know how long it will take. It's up to you, but if you find someone along the way don't hesitate to make yourself happy. I'll be happy for you"
Obviously I'd be sad if he moved on but I understand and have his happiness above all.
Every person will be different and have a different mindset. Hold out if you can but don't be closed minded to others who might swing your way.
No. 130954
>>130929>>130943Yeah, I'll be open to any possibility and just see where it goes. If we drift apart, we drift apart. If we end up together, great. If I meet someone else that can be good for me, also great.
Thanks for the advices!
No. 130964
>>130659Depends entirely on how dependent on his family he is. I see my parents or my husband's maybe a handful of times a year. It's not right to separate him from his mom if he doesn't view her how you do, but I would draw hard and reasonable lines about how involved they are in your relationship. Choose your battles carefully. If you're always bitching about her when she's not directly acting or speaking to you then he's going to be defensive of her. Watch the situation and be honest about it with him.
>>130692Drop it. He doesn't want to blend his e and real life. Sorry.
>>130946Over what and why. What is his response?
No. 130974
>>130948Without my knowledge.
>>130946To pay off a course he’s completing, ran out of money for it. He came and told me about it, almost crying, once he found out it ruined our credit rating.
I’m not so much upset about the debt itself, we don’t exactly have a lot of money so it was to be expected we’d have to take out a loan at some point, but he did it without talking to me first! This would have been paid off YEARS AGO if he just discussed it with me! Now we’re under even more financial stress before, and I feel like the burden has entirely fallen onto my shoulders because I’m the one who manages what little finances we have. I don’t care about the money, as much as I care about him being able to lie to me for years about something so monumental. We were planning on purchasing a home, but fuck knows how much we can afford now with the piss poor credit rating. And I know we can get it back up, but we would have never been in this mess in the first place if he didn’t do this behind my back
No. 130996
File: 1579151105338.jpg (147.3 KB, 1000x753, IMG_20190418_214608.jpg)
Anons… how often are second chances worth it? How do you know someone is worth it?
No. 131050
>>131036Furries can be perfectly fine, especially if they're sfw furries. Maybe I'm biased since my best friend growing is one and he's a perfectly decent guy (just creative and he likes animals so…bam), but the straight across furry fear/hate always seemed weird. Didn't most of us grow up watching animal cartoon characters? Would you be as disturbed if he had human OCs?
Although I do recommend keeping a close eye on if he actually does secretly like yiff, just in case. It seems suspicious if he's been keeping this top secret from you (depending on how long you've been together and what lengths he's gone to for hiding this), so there may be more. But tbf he may also have just not wanted to lose you.
No. 131136
I have a problem in my relationship because of a game.
My boyfriend has a love/hate relationship with that game, and talks to me very rudely when we play to it together. I make mistakes but I don't care that much because I just want to play and have fun but he feels obligated to talk me down "to improve myself" when I really don't care, and he doesn't want to compete in it either.
I stopped playing with him because I was even worse with the pressure he gave me, knowing that if it didn't go well, there goes my day because he'll be angry about it. Even when it's not my fault, he thinks it is.
Today he wanted to play with me. We did under the condition that he'll say nothing, which he broke. I was angry about it, so I decided to just do my thing for a few hours to calm down because it's just a videogame, I'm just tired of that situation.
He ignored me, even when watching a series together. He resumed playing, and when I was going to sleep he coldly said "good night" and nothing else. Being frustrated, I told him I was upset he broke his promise, and he said that I can't say that because of the mistakes I made. It went on and each time I tried to say something, I was met with "you should have played better" "you're just being dramatic" "you're just lashing out because you're frustrated" "it's not the time to do that, you should have done it when it happened" "you're not the one choosing when to talk about that" which is very frustrating when I just want to know why he's that upset about me fucking up in a game he doesn't even like.
He acts so coldly and is very indifferent to my feelings when that happens, and I told him he was being mean and he was just saying "oh yeah ? Go on ! You still got something ?" I don't know it's just so stupid.
I'm tired of being talked to like that for a game, and when I try to say something, either I'm manipulative or I'm just lashing out out of everyday frustration.
What should I do ? I really love him, it's the only thing (albeit a big one, ignoring your girlfriend being hurt shouldn't happend right ?) but I'm tired of it.
No. 131140
>>131136Have you tried not being shit at Overwatch?
>>131139What does that even mean?
No. 131141
>>131136It sounds like there might be other problems than just this video game, but that's just what it "sounds" like
I mean you're right, it is just a video game–and if he doesn't even enjoy the game, then why is it such a point of contention to have to criticize you and put you down in a way you openly dislike
I feel like one of two things will happen later on:
Something big will happen and he'll treat you the same way because if he does this about something insignificant, there's nothing to suggest he won't treat you this way again
or
This is an isolated incident and he would never treat you this way about anything else and it's only this 1 thing that causes him to act like an
abusive asshole
No. 131142
>>131136That… doesn't sound healthy, anon. My BF and I are heavy gamers, and I'm better than him at a MMO. It's frustrating, I get mad at him sometimes, but I always apologize afterwards. He's better than me at other games. We try to encourage each other to get better because playing games makes people happy, simple as that. If he's turning your fun time together into something bad… You should take that as a red flag. Your feeling are
valid and it sounds like he is thinking more about the game than you.
No. 131156
>>131150Hey anon, I was in a very similar situation to yours and decided to stay with the person and after two years together, I can say we are pretty happy. I think you first have to understand that their failure to commit is not a reflection of you as a person, it’s a personal flaw the cheater has. This will take time and trust me, sometimes I do still feel insecure about it. Secondly, evaluate the situation and see if it’s worth it. Is your bf willing to put in the work to fix what was now broken? Everything needs to be an open book after this and I think for it to work, he needs to really try to be an amazing boyfriend after this. If you do choose to stay, realise it can only work if the other person and yourself put in the effort to make it work and this incident will change your relationship forever. Honestly, I was agonised when I found out what happen with my bf (I am not perfect either but I have never cheated) and was so disgusted I felt like I didn’t know him, but he’s really managed to convince me that he has changed and become a good man. He drives over an hour to see me every week, pays for our dates and any little snacks we buy, buys thoughtful presents, reassures me and is so patient with me whenever I’m insecure and always has time to talk about whatever is bothering me, very giving in bed, and does really try to do everything he can to show me that he loves me. I do think relationships can be salvaged after something like that happening (especially in the very beginning) but it will take a lot of work and he needs to prove he is worthy of you.
No. 131164
>>131136He sounds like he has a seriously unhealthy relationship with that game, but that is not an excuse for him to act in such a borderline
abusive manner.
I used to date a guy like this, it ruined gaming for me and now I have serious insecurity anytime I play video games with anyone. It was not worth the hassle.
It is not normal to tantrum like that because someone is not as far along in a game as you, he's being a big time bastard.
No. 131176
>>131136Do you really want to be with someone who manages to turn a fun hobby into such a shitty experience for you? Imagine having to deal with him when something goes seriously wrong in real life.
If he's cold and indifferent to your feelings and happy to go to bed on arguments (over pretty stupid shit too) then save yourself the misery of dating him. He will not dramatically change overnight or even in the next few years
No. 131208
Gotta be vague because bf is onto me and lc. So I'm currently undergoing a situation in my relationship that last time it happened ended terribly because my bf was completely self absorbed and didn't listen or respect my feelings whatsoever. It was supposed to be a fun thing (not a sex thing btw, just a joint activity) but I was walked over with both what I did and didn't want to happen, and frozen out when I expressed that I was hurt. I would've called it quits but I was financially dependent.
Anyway I told him afterwards he can't be a shit like that again and he took it on board. Since then he's demonstrated tangible change long term, but now that that EXACT situation is coming up I'm filled with anxiety that he'll reneg. Today he expressed wanting to do something that during the initial planning stages (months ago) we agreed wouldn't happen, and it filled me with panic, I said something like "well I'm not so comfortable with that. We agreed x", his response was "OK I understand, we won't" so I said thanks. I've been catching myself wanting to type "are you sure you're OK with that?" "you don't resent me for it?" and stuff because last time I expressed I was uncomfortable/upset he'd be like "well that sucks but I want to do it so i'll do it".
Until I tell myself to hold the fuck up, i'm allowed to set my standards and stick to them. Why am I feeling bad for this? The way he acted fucked me up last time I guess and I wouldn't have given him another chance if my hand weren't somewhat forced, but in my eyes he's redeemed himself since. Like I want to continualy make sure he's sticking to what he agreed to change. Every time I express a preference in this situation I'm worried that he'll tip over into "I don't care what you think" mode. Part of me wants to constantly test if he'll respect how I'm feeling (which he consistently has since I talked to him about it), and the other part is apprehensive to even express my feelings because the less chances he has to reneg the better, you know?
IDK what I'm asking, I guess just if anyone's been where I am, or understands where I'm coming from? Is it something to bring up with my bf or should I be quiet about it because tbh nothing he can do about it? Any other different ways to think about it? Because I feel stuck in this loop of stress over something that should be fun, it was just a profoundly shitty experience the one other time it happened.
No. 131214
>>131208I totally understand where you're coming from anon. I've also had a situation with my boyfriend where he fucked up and while he's demonstrably changed since, I often find myself on the look-out for it to happen again. Recently I even asked for him to do a certain thing related to the initial issue, to make me feel a bit more comfortable, and while it was genuinely important to me it was almost like I was testing to see if he'd prioritize my needs or if he'd mess up again and prove my fears right. Yet simultaneously I was super anxious about asserting my needs and almost felt guilty for it.
It sounds like you're in a similar place. I probably don't have the best advice having been in a comparable position myself but the first thing I'd say is to work on letting this thing go and trusting in the progress he's shown you. Obviously if he specifically brings up a thing that you agreed not to do, you should be able to assert your boundaries without feeling guilty. It's hard, but remember that things will run more smoothly when expectations are clear. It gives your bf an opportunity to succeed at meeting them and if you are in a healthy relationship your partner will be excited to meet your needs and make the experience better for both of you. But beyond when it's actually germane, trust that he's aware of your feelings and that he's changed and don't try to poke and prod and test him. I know it's tempting because you want to see if he's /really/ changed and maybe if you ask the right question he'll come out with the ~truth~ or totally switch his mind but as long as he's showing respect for you and your feelings when they arise that's what matters and you should trust it and try to have fun with what should be a fun thing. Besides if he's going to fuck up again he's going to do it regardless so
If it's really eating at you you might say something like "Hey I'm feeling a little anxious about this upcoming situation because of the way it went last time" and give him a chance to reassure you but if you do that, again, avoid interrogating or testing him because it will only make him feel like you don't trust him
Hope that helps! Good luck anon!
No. 131232
>>131228He was getting over a bad breakup and it wasn’t exactly the ideal time to get into a relationship, I suppose, but looking back we agree that the rough start was worth it because we are so incredibly happy together. Also, it’s something that we can address without being sensitive/touchy. The friend in question, for comparison’s sake, started off warm and fuzzy but rushed into it and the relationship is now deteriorating, so I don’t think she can really speak on it.
>>131229That’s along the lines of what I was thinking. She’s also a notorious gossip, if that makes it worse.
No. 131234
>>131232From my experience and what you said, I think your friend might be jealous. I got a close friend talking about my relationship all the time and questioning every single little thing even if it wasn’t important just because she was jealous and she kind of tried to sabotage our relationship and mess up with my mind.
My advice is that you shouldn’t care that much. If you know you’re happy and better than ever, let it be just noise around you. The day she comes to YOU and only you to talk about her concerns, she would deserve an answer…until then, if I were you I’d be focused in being happy with your partner and nothing else.
No. 131261
>>1312542 months or so after. Again, really not ideal because he was still reeling from that relationship. The issue was resolved within a few weeks as he started to get more comfortable with the idea of falling in love again. (Also, for clarification, he’s the one who took me on a first date and sort of initiated everything, so to see him backing out so soon after was weird, but we’ve since talked about it at length and I understand his POV now.)
>>131234This is very reassuring, thanks anon! I never even considered that she might be jealous, but it makes so much sense. It’s easy to get caught up in stupid stuff but as you said, I should let it be noise.
No. 131278
>>131271If someone frequently presses your buttons with their personality or behavior then there are one of two things going on. Either, 1. you're a jackass who would get agitated by anyone once you get that close and see them often enough, or 2. they are fucking annoying.
Figure out if he's just fucking annoying. If he is, leave him. You do not want to spend 50 years with someone like this just because you both like cats, pasta, and find each other attractive enough. And if you don't want to spend 50 years with him, why would you let yourself waste 5.
No. 131356
File: 1579828497031.jpg (69.57 KB, 625x547, 1579799254075.jpg)
Hi, up until recently I was, for all intents and purposes, a virgin. (I'm going to write this out like a cringey essay btw because I have been thinking about it a lot and I feel like a disembodied style is the best way to get across what I mean). There's a lot more to it than what I'm about to say but I want to get it out before I start waffling on too much: I feel like sex is a fundamentally limited practice, there are only so many ways it can be done, it gets repetitive, it is in many ways a structured ritual and I can't get its step-by-step nature out of my head.
I am 25 years old and 7 months into a relationship with my new boyfriend. I have only had sex with one other person, when I was 19 - I had sex with him 5 times in one week, and since then I have had little to no interaction with any men, especially romantically. So I am still learning about sex, even though we have had it countless times at this point (we started having sex one week into our relationship).
I've tried to explain this to some of my friends but they respond with a knee jerk: Well you're obviously not having the right kind of sex then. But this is wrong! I enjoy sex very much with my boyfriend. We are both sexually inexperienced, but we have both spent years reading all sorts of stuff online about it and so when it comes to communication we have very effectively explained our bodies to each other, so much that I have an orgasm 90% of the time (the other times being no ones fault, just my body resisting randomly).
I love sex, I initiate it all the time, I respond to it when my boyfriend initiates it, and I am generally very fulfilled by it. BUT, there is something about it that itches at my mind which I have had a difficult time putting into words (which is why this is so long and neurotic). The fact that basically, there are only like SIX things you can do during sex. That sex, no matter how you have it, is essentially just the same acts placed in different order, style or intensity. EVERY SINGLE TIME I have sex with my boyfriend, it goes like this (in very specific detail, but only to make my point):
>begins with kissing, slowly, involving more and more tongue as naturally (sometimes less naturally, i.e. we ""fake"" it in accordance with the beats we're used to) the intensity grows and we become less and less "inhibited" or "into it".
>touching and bodily kissing is involved here, we are still fully clothed, but he will stroke fingers through my hair, kiss my temples and forehead, I stroke his chest lightly, breath softly on his neck (and he will on mine), sometimes he gently holds my wrist etc. etc., essentially: loving, sensually charged gestures that will lead into the next step
>which involves touching on the outside of the clothing and the point at which we take each others shirts off, slowly (of course), always involving the initial teasing foray into each other's shirts (as if we're tentative??) which then leads to us taking each other's shirts off, generally lingering afterwards to observe each other, soak the moment in, and then the shirt is playfully discarded to the other side of the bed - he will usually take my bra off at this point, he liked to move behind me and kiss the back of my neck and usually takes the time to rub my back as well.
>we spend always about five to ten minutes kissing and touching each other, he has strong hands and he knows I like it when he sort of rubs my whole stomach and chest with a wide and open palm in what can be described as a very loving and paternal gesture but its not a taboo or anything, I just like feeling "held" the whole way through. I usually trace the lines between his muscles, etc. etc. YOU GET IT, lots of slow touching, gentle skin brushing to bring goosebumps and tingles, soft kisses, sensual smelling whatever.
>he will always go down on me, always leading into it very slowly, moving from my chest to my legs and then finally to my vagina, I have explained exactly what kind of style I like and he obliges me here very generously because I tend to like really long and slow sucking, and I will usually always have an orgasm here.
>we always kiss after this, with a lot of tongue, because I know he likes the idea of me "tasting myself" even though I don't really notice it at all and he even kind of knows this but the gesture is very "dirty" I guess you would say and signals that we are very much in the moment and beyond the point of propriety etc. etc.
>now I will go down on him, he is unfussy about this and says that he gets the most sensation if I only suck on the head and sensitive skin under it (he is circumcised) so I spend time here in the same way that he does to me, slow and long, but he does not orgasm here
>basically after this we have sex, we have discovered that the most pleasurable position for both of us is the standard missionary except for I hang my legs over his elbows and he bends me more, so maybe the mating press is the better term, anyway this is usually an incredible feeling for me and he really likes it too - sometimes I lay prone on my stomach and he will go down on me from behind again before we have sex that way and I really like that as well because it feels naughty but that makes me sore so it's only when I'm up to it.
>at this point we both orgasm again, finish, lay with each other, and if we have sex again I will usually get on top and just grind on him until we both finish but this is very very casual because the sense of ceremony is gone and now we are just enjoying ourselves, sometimes this feels the best for me as it is much like morning sex.
I realise how long and overly-detailed this is and you don't have to read it, but just know that I have plotted out each step of the sex ritual we perform with each other each time we have sex, which is almost daily, if not every second day. I love it, it makes me feel great every time but these are INVARIABLY the actions we take. I am not disappointed with the sex, but I guess like all things in life as you get older the curtain of mystery and wonder is drawn back and you see things and life for what it (they) truly is, which is just mundane and understandable and plain and simple.
So what I want to know is, am I having sex the correct way? It is not that any of the sex is bad, my boyfriend communicates with me anytime I ask him to and we know each other's bodies. But the fact that I can reduce it so mechanically and that even as I am performing it, like sometimes I fake a sharp intake of breath when he kisses my chest, which I know is fake, but he responds to it, and even knowing its fake I respond, and the mood is elevated, so of course it worked but it's all from the fact that I placed the right piece in the puzzle with a fairly detached understanding of what makes it click.
No. 131359
>>131356The physical actions that you do are just a means to the mental, emotional, and bodily pleasure that you want to attain. Does it really matter if they're limted if they work? It's the same reason people don't get bored smoking weed even though it's the same thing every time, smoke some weed and hang around talking to people or consuming media. It's the same reason people dedicate their lives to meditation even though every time you just get into position and sit and breathe. Don't be ashamed to do the same few things over and over, because pleasure and fulfillment, when done right, always feels fresh and unique even if you've had similar experiences many times before.
Of course, if you actually get bored you could look up new sex positions or try kinky stuff.
No. 131369
>>131356This sounds like a healthy and good sex life but you have hit "men do the same thing every time" except you are LUCKY enough that they vary the order.
I've had several boyfriends and they always had their own specific routine that they did the same every.single.time and my "best" one, who I had no feelings for, alas, bothered to vary it and take the women's pleasure into consideration as your boyfriend does.
That's just the deal with men. I mean, there are also ones with fetishes who escalate the degeneracy each time, testing your boundaries - I never dated one of them -, but in terms of normal sane guys, that's the deal
No. 131370
>>131369When I say "vary" it, I mean vary the order of the routine. The routine itself will never vary. The other guys did their own routine the same, in the same order every time too.
Guys learn what works for them which also doesn't make the girl run away, then they just do that exact same thing forever until they die.
No. 131414
>>131356If he's circumcised then you're not having real sex
Start saving up for Foregen
No. 131415
>>131356I mean alot of people sleep around during their first few years of being sexually active. It helps to just get it out of your system.
After that predictable sex ain't so bad
No. 131452
>>128769anon who posted this here,
she just dumped me saying she's still figuring out her sexuality and doesn't feel like it's fair on me that i have to deal with that. i feel like a fucking moron. she still wants to be friends so i'm not actually that upset but i just feel like this has completely destroyed my trust in bi women, which is stupid because it's not like she represents all bi women or something. she's a lovely person so i really don't want to be angry at her but i can't help feeling like i was just a prop in her sexuality experiment and it's humiliating that i went along with it. how do i get over this? i don't want to mistrust bi women.
No. 131478
>>131475Seems normal, as long as he doesn't bring her up too often
Hating all your exes or painting them all as crazy bitches would actually be a cause for concern
No. 131496
File: 1580150961809.png (16.99 KB, 825x178, Screenshot_2020-01-27 .png)
>>131494Oh shit, I remember the wife posting here in the last thread, her husband was an Indian guy with the racist parents.
But this guy's spergfest…
>she made a thread claiming that she bought my dad some whiskey as a gift one time, and that my mother didn't want him to accept it because she was black (yes my mother is a racist piece of shit, but she never said this to her face. This was between me and my family and I made the mistake of telling my wife about it).He's really whining that she used his ethnicity to criticize him and then admits that his parents are racist as fuck but it's "between him and his family". Oh boohoo, the mean roasties on lolcow made fun of you for being an Indian momma's boy when that's exactly what you are. Why not stand up for your wife when your mother wants to treat her like she's subhuman?
Not defending the wife because if she did cheat that's shitty but it sounds like this guy is a gigantic douche himself.
No. 131498
>>131496she didn't even fucking call him
abusive. holy shit men are such dramaqueens and straight up liars, i am so sick of it. they lie shamelessly to try to victimize themselves, it's incredibly pathetic.
No. 131512
>>131496>met a guy on redditShe should have quit at the start
I remember that post, she didn't focus on him just his family and it was just a post not a whole new thread, he's being such a drama queen. He's mad she posted about him on the internet so now he's really showing her how great he is, by posting about her on the internet!
Whether or not she's done anything that he mentioned I hope he doesn't dox her further. 4chan incels go for blood whenever they can justify it with a Evil Stacey narrative
No. 131519
>>131494>>131496>I asked her if she would ever consider using some of her money to help my family with our mortgage The same family that's racist toward her? She doesn't owe them shit.
She didn't call him
abusive, made that post an entire year ago, and didn't expose him in any way. Meanwhile, he's posting her (barely censored) face and accusing her of hitting him (and probably lying about that, among other things - the fact that he's more mad about anonymous complaining than cheating tells me he might've made that up) on the most incel board of 4chan with scrotes who love to doxx. It says a lot about him. I hope she sees that thread and finally drops his ass.
Everyone told her to dump him the first time, and I wish she had listened.
No. 131621
File: 1580376586382.jpg (80.01 KB, 750x838, u10ydgkfdvr01.jpg)
(I'm reposting what I posted in the general advice thread)
How the fuck do you get your crush to notice you when you're socially retarded?
He seems to be a shy boi, and I'm too autistic to be the one asking him out.
We know each other a bit, but not a lot, i do know his hobbies and stuff tho. Should i just keep talking to him and drop heavy hints that i'm interested?
>>131611Can't help you anon, but I relate to you on so many levels. Social anxiety is absolutely ruining me, I can't even get myself to take "the easier route", meaning getting a tinder account/doing flings. The mere thought of fucking randos and having to tell them that i'm a virgin overwhelms me.
I also do think that having a romantic partner would make me happier, my therapist also thought it would greatly help me; too bad I have no fucking clue on how to get one
No. 131627
>>131626Nah we're the same sign and I'm not a scorpio kek. He also guessed my sign within minutes of chatting without me giving me any info on myself (it was on tinder plz no bully)
It's kinda cute but still weird. I always saw horoscopes as a basic girl fun meme, not something to actually believe in and definitely thought guys weren't interested.
No. 131655
I feel kind of silly for asking this, but what should I do if I'm not my bf's physical type?
I know I'll probably get answers like 'just dress how you like' etc but I'm admittedly super insecure. I don't find what he finds attractive. I have quite conventional beauty standards and like to be seen as conventionally attractive, but he likes more unconventionally attractive girls and it's made me so stupidly insecure.
I want to be seen as pretty to the majority and myself, but I also want to be seen as pretty by him. It's a stupid dilemma, I know, but I don't know what to do.
I really miss my long hair. I cut my hair recently because he likes shorter hair on girls, and it's ok but I think I still prefer long hair. I just don't know how to handle it if I'm not my partner's type. I want to be 100% what he wants, but that isn't what I want to be. I want to be attractive to him, but I don't like what he finds attractive. Either way, I'll be miserable. If I'm pretty to the majority but not him I'll be sad, vice versa. I must be quite shallow.
No. 131660
>>131655Your bf started dating you when you dressed how you like, so he's obviously fine with that. Prioritize yourself! Not only will you be more confident looking how you want, but your partner should want you to feel your best too.
>>131657This is unnecessarily cruel. Anon obviously has low self esteem and is struggling with outside pressures, she's not self obsessed.
No. 131662
>>131655So you're decently attractive and you're still worrying yourself sick over looking good for him.. anon work on your self esteem. Learn to get that validation from yourself and don't depend on him for it. It doesn't exactly sound like he wants to build you up anyway..
How much of your relationship is based on you being hot enough? Are we talking about a long term relationship here? Cos it sounds like a very lacking relationship
No. 131665
File: 1580419541415.png (45.9 KB, 300x238, CF2C2AD2-F9EC-408E-8DC9-06506A…)
>>131621As I reflect on relationships and how to go about one I realise I’m pretty conservative for a near zoomer so hookups are out of the question - all I see there is risk for a pretty shit ‘reward’. I never hear anything good about dating apps (not to mention they sell your data) too. The fear of being taken advantage of is always on my mind too and there’s no one trustworthy in my life to teach me how to handle my worries in a sane way. Real fucking isolating. I don’t have a crush like you but I want to look for potential crushes, it’s just that I don’t have anywhere to go outside of work where I’m (self) isolated and away from customers and all my hobbies are solitary things at home.
If you have someone in mind already, I think that’s a good thing because at least you could potentially make some progress with your love life. My advice is gonna be shit, I’d say just ask him out for coffee when the two of you find yourselves alone together (or get him aside to ask if he has a minute), it’s basic but you get the chance to know each other better if you’re not even friends yet and you don’t have to worry about big things hinging on just meeting up for a drink. Plus when has anyone asked an unfamiliar person of the other sex for a drink and NOT meant ‘I kinda like you’? He might be mega oblivious but it’s a start.
Now here I am not taking my own advice, telling myself I can’t because it’s different.
No. 131667
In the past, i did something that hurt my bf alot, and it broke our trust. But we got our trust back, which im happy about. But problem is, he ALWAYS asks for my social media to spy around to see if he finds anything "sus" or something like this, of course i understand him, but hes being very paranoid and i do everything in my might to win his trust back, i do everything to assure him that nothing bad is gonna happen, or that he doesnt have to worry about everything. I really love him, i really do and i always like spending time with him, but that whole paranoia he has is kinda making me annoyed abit, not that i hate him. i dont hate him. I just find it…not good. I know his past relationships weren't the best, and so i know why hes acting that way, but i really don't want him to spy on me or try to get anything out of me that he thinks is "sus" or "weird" i just like my privacy.
No. 131693
>>131690Should your close friends and family feel hurt that you're on here telling a bunch of strangers about your feelings instead of confiding in them?
Some people just get embarrassed or shy or private about their feelings when they feel vulnerable, and want to talk to people who might be the same gender or in a similar situation or whatever. Maybe he doesn't want to seem like a pussy in front of you. Maybe your work experience doesn't align with his actual family member having dementia. Just like… give him a break, damn. If he's already upset you don't need to make it worse for no reason.
No. 131699
>>131667Your boyfriend knowing your social media accounts is not something that's intruding your privacy in my opinion.
If he wants to login that's a whole different story of course.
No. 131710
>>131708As long as someone is really just friends with an ex then there's really no problem, a friend is a friend.
Like the other anon said, ask him.
No. 131711
>>131707Dump him. You're not being oversensitive. If you stay together you'll always wonder if he's with you because you're manly in some way.
>>131708Situational. It sounds like your ex is trash though so I understand your boyfriend not being supportive of you being friends with him. He can't forbid you from seeing anyone, but relationships take two to tango and if being friends with your ex is more important than being with your boyfriend then you probably don't want to be with him.
No. 131765
>>131707Anon just fucking leave.
This is going to almost sound satirical, but if your partner doesn't love you from tip to toe, get excited about your NATURAL body, tell you how lovely you are, they're fucking porn sick and ultimately, fucked.
He is probably constantly jacking off to more and more extreme trap porn every single day, he's LITERALLY conditioning himself to only be aroused by awful, degenerate images.
Men have turned "sex" into another extension of their jerk off sessions. It's just simply longer and more elaborate.
Sex should be organic, reciprocal and something occuring between BOTH people, and what do you get? You get some faggot who can only cum to more and more specific images and tastes instead of being able to enjoy a whole person.
Dump him, call him out for the faggot he is and move on.
No. 131811
>>131707At best he may be satisfied by you wearing a strap-on and penetrating him, playing out his delusional anime daydreams. If you are cool with that being a primary way you have sex, then maybe you'll be fine. If you aren't necessarily into that yourself, dump him.
I bet he is attracted to women but he wants to "see" cum, that is usually the weird headgame these dudes get into, see also squirting and how desperate men are for women to do that. Their sexuality is immature a lot of the times and they can only understand arousal through their own lens, thats why they want women who can cum and in extreme cases, have dicks like them lol. Theyre not necessarily into IRL trannies because they look 99% of the time like ugly women but they LOVE the idea of a beautiful anime woman with a dick. Fucked up but ultimately they are still into women more or less.
Now if he's looking at REAL ass tranny porn like nasty buck toothed veiny cocked dudes in wigs, dump him because he does want to have sex with a man, and will never be satisfied by a fake cock. And he will easily be able to have sex with some other AGP pervert.
No. 132437
So i recently gave in a looked through my boyfriend's phone. My bad, i know, it was fucked up of me and all.
I already knew that he takes screenshots of tons of people, usually for gossip.
But i found lots of screenshots taken from the social media of two women in particular. These pictures are not pics he took for gossip (they're not in his whatsapp sent album). And also they're all caps from pictures that are bound to be deleted or changed (like instagram stories or profile pictures from whatsapp).
One set is from his ex. It's been several months since he last took a screenshot of her and they haven't been on speaking terms for years. Still, some of these screenshots were taken well into our relationship and he used to take them regularly.
The other woman is a friend of a friend that lives in a different city, and whom he only met once. He keeps taking screenshots of her stories on a regular basis, the last one is very recent.
They're both really pretty, and i hate to say it but the three of us look alike a bit. The girl from another city is way prettier than me.
I don't use social media at all anymore but i also found a few old screenshots of me, back from when he was single.
This is causing me a lot of pain and insecurity. Although it's very unlikely that he would even get to speak to any of these women again.
I wouldn't care if he had porn or pictures of celebrities, but the fact that he has pictures of his real life crushes is very painful. He's a great boyfriend otherwise and i don't know what to do.
I guess i also used to save pictures of guys i liked back when i was single, but since i got in a relationship i no longer feel the need to anymore. It hurts me that he doesn't feel the same.
No. 132440
File: 1580968343380.gif (352.12 KB, 500x332, source.gif)
/g/, i come to you in a time of great need: i like a guy who has a girlfriend. i've been in relationships before but i've never wanted to pursue somebody like this, and it's not because he has a girlfriend–he's just such a huge catch.
he's been doing things like teasing me then rubbing me on the back/patting my head, resting his arm on my head (i'm really short), and he does this thing where he gets really close to my ear and whispers a joke even though i'm right next to him and he could've said it anyway. hnnnngh breath on my ear. he's said things like "i'm surprised you don't have a boyfriend" but then he brings up his girlfriend and i cringe inside.
i don't want to be a homewrecker, i'd only do anything if they weren't together anymore–could he like me or am i reading into his body language too much???
No. 132441
>>132437That's fucked up. It is definitely one thing for somebody to fantasize about celebrities and porn stars, that is pretty normal but you are right to sense something different about this. Number one, you say there are lots of screenshots of these women? That's really weird. To go back to the celeb thing if I found out my BF had one or two pics on his phone saved of some porn star or whatever, I'd not be happy but I'd think it was relatively normal, within the bounds of acceptable. But if he had like, dozens and dozens of pictures of the same celeb and he was saving them every other day or whatever, I'd start to think, huh…kind of obsessive behavior, alarm bells to me that he is just mentally weirder than I am willing to accept.
Your BF is exhibiting this weird and obsessive behavior on REAL women that he has interacted with and could presumably start interacting with again. It's fucked up for sure. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt anon, and try not to feel insecure because this guy is weird and his behavior is out of line. It may seem kinda charming and sweet that he had pics of you saved, but put it all together and it seems like weird dude behavior.
Just curious, did he have any other girly images saved on his phone like porno or celebs? Not that it makes a difference given how weird that is.
No. 132443
>>132442How long into talking to someone through tinder or any dating app is it okay to start mentioning you want to see/date them?
Or at least ask for contact info
No. 132444
>>132441No he doesn't have any pictures of celebs nor pornstars. Honestly we're the same in that sense, i even used to screenshot his stories too before we even started going out. I know that's creepy person behavior but i can relate to it. My logic was "this picture from my crush is going to disappear forever and i won't get to see it ever again".
And i also haven't thristed over a celebrity since i was like 14. So i also only took screenshots from real life people.
And i agree with you, when i put myself back in that headspace, that it's obsessive behavior, but it's harmless imo.
But now that i'm in a relationship i wouldn't go out of my way to take caps of other guys, because how could i possibly care enough? Who cares if their pictures disappear?
Does the fact that he goes out of his way to save these pictures mean that he likes them so strongly as i did when i used to take caps myself? It's really painful…
No. 132447
>>132444Okay, maybe this screenshots of people you isn't the issue necessarily, but you answered your own question. In that headspace for you, you had strong feelings for the people you were saving images of in your phone. It was important that the photos didn't go away, you wanted to always be able to see them.
Generally speaking, your boyfriend being a male is probably not as sweetly pining away after them as YOU were – but they are important enough to him to save the pics. If he doesn't have any celebs or porn stars, that makes me think more it isn't just spank bank material (would be creepy as fuck anyway) and unfortunately, probably a little bit more emotional investment on his part. Damn anon. sucks. I think this guy wasn't over his ex, lost his passionate "pursuit" feelings with you, and is now playing out a little fantasy in his head about this new girl. I'd walk, I don't like the idea of anyone thinking they can better deal me when we're still dating.
No. 132448
>>132447Thanks anon, i'll think about it.
I once confronted him over a similar issue (him being too invested in gossip about his ex), and he seemed really sorry about it, and told me something along the lines of "don't you already know i do this with everyone? (the gossip thing), i have no life, i'm really sorry".
And it's true tbh, he knows everything about all of his friends and about random friends of friends with juicy drama.
He also takes screenshots of everyone (men and women) but they have a purpose and he sends them around together with the gossip… this is completely different right?
He always acts very affectionate and loving to me and he's always complimenting me and taking care of me. In real life you couldn't tell that he would have eyes for anyone else. I'm just really confused and hurt rn.
No. 132503
>>132443>>132442sorry, I didn't mean to reply directly to you
normally I delete the reply number at the top
No. 132504
File: 1581032012805.jpg (19.22 KB, 720x513, ok.jpg)
I'm feeling pretty unloved by my bf. He's always been super cheap but I played that off as him having a shit job. Now he makes 6 figures and his behaviors are still the same.
>says he'll get me a dress I've been saving up for, then says he changed his mind a minute later
>tells me he was going to get me flowers for Valentine's but he couldn't find a good coupon
I've also ignored his lack of initiative because I like femdom. But it's starting to wear on me.
>when we visit a city by him, he makes me plan because "it's my trip"
>when we visit a city by me, he makes me plan because "i know the area"
>i plan our dates 100% of the time and it's an effort to make him go
>when he does agree to go, he complains about the money later
Unfortunately it's one of those situations where I'll lose 90% of my friends if we breakup, and I will be stuck in my shit hometown for even longer.
No. 132526
>>132504What does this guy do for you?
Serious question, what do you like about him that completely overtakes the fact that you are the main driver of this relationship while he puts in no effort despite having the ability to do something for you if he actually wanted to?
It can't just be the friend issue. I could not tolerate such horseshit for long due to friends, you can make more of those anon lol. What's in this for you?
No. 132536
how do I kill my ego?
i'm finally with a good dude and a good man is honest right
but sometimes you want that lovey dovey watered down shit, not "you should buy some deodorant" while we're shopping. straight up dudes great and i appreciate the honesty, i always know where i stand and hes always good on the important shit, like loving me the most and wanting to spend his life with me. but y'all once i asked him, merely as a joke in a sleep deprived mania, is my pussy the best? (don't judge, i feel like we've all said some dumb shit) and he said, uhh, second best. we communicated that one out kind of, but i still don't know if he was joking because the question was dumb or if this dude keeps some kind of mental database on pussy tightness. The point is, its a me problem with taking criticism usually, or me just wanting to be THE best in all ways, to be validated and reassured even over stupid issues. also i did buy deodorant.
No. 132549
>>132536I kinda admire his candor. This is probably something ingrained in his personality. It's not going to change. You could ask him to be more gentle with the deodorant stuff. Not so much with the pussy rating.
The fact that you want to approach this by altering your ego says something very positive about you.
Do your kegels.
No. 132571
>>132566TBH most men don't talk about relationships at all with their friends because caring about them in the first place is "for girls"/they consider that "too serious" to discuss with friends they only talk to to have a laugh with/they interpret it as boasting and get insecure.
The depth of their discussions is usually advice on how to get laid and since they have very bad theory of mind they think all women care about is apperance like them so start talking about the best work-out routines or way to lose weight ect.
No. 132596
>>132536It isn't your ego that needs killing, and him being honest is by and large a positive thing. But yeah, second best pussy is a mean answer to a question that you honestly shouldn't have asked. My BF is similar in terms of honesty, or used to be, and I learned that there are some things that you just don't WANT answers to. Mine were around sex as well, like he used to want to watch porno with me and I asked him, "Have you EVER done that with a girl before??" because to me it seemed preposterous, and he said yes. I was really mad and he said, well you asked…Which I do think is a fair response. I appreciate honesty but you do sometimes need to temper it, and I think men (looking at it with kindness) don't get socialized to understand that. They see "lies" and "truth" (or they are being manipulative as other anons have suggested)
But being kind to your BF in my interpretation, and taking it as just him being painfully honest, you should explain to him that sometimes you DON'T need to know how he really feels. Basically he should be able to ID when you are fishing for compliments (because face it, when you asked if your pussy was the best, you wanted to hear how great it was, not have a discourse on other pussies) and when you are asking genuine questions. This is something that you shouldn't HAVE to communicate, seems obvious to me that if a guy asked about his dick I'd say, yeah it's the best…but if everything else about him is great and you want to save the relationship and just get rid of this one bad behavior, tell him to be more gentle with your feelings.
No. 132628
>>132550>>132603>>132625>>132595all of you have good points, its two sided. i do believe some guys neg instinctively, and yeah hes aloof but hes also a smart guy and a very insecure one.
we've touched upon the topic of negging before, he knows what it is, i'd give him a pass on being a pussy negger because i did ask and it was indeed a dumb question. still not sure what the reality on that one is but i risk my sanity asking if im actually second best or if it really was a long winded bad joke like he claims it was. im definitely responding to any future negs with extreme disgust because kindly taking it has done nothing good for me.
since posting this i've been doing some subtle shit as well to see if he notices, calling guys in movies sexy, saying he should do certain stuff with his appearance. Hell, I said the dogs teeth were really white the other day, and he started saying HE himself needed teeth whitening. no negging towards me since.
my consensus is its just an insecure dude who hasn't had a decent relationship before and has no idea how to function in one, not anything malicious. but don't let anyone neg u girls its complete bullshit and we should not be playing that game lest we start comparing our exes dicks to them
No. 132638
>>132630it might get better, or you may just need to get used to it. my fiance has autism and i've found that treating him similarly and pointing out that he does that too has been helpful. autism is really just a learning disability at it's core, so learning is much slower. once you sort out some of the issues, you'll find that he's more reliable and commited than some other men may have been since autists weave their SOs into their pre-existing lives. however, this can also cause issues down the line with complacency or neediness.
>>132633stop projecting so much and justifying everything, sperg.
No. 132640
>>132638I’m wasn’t justifying a single thing, I’m answering honestly.
>>don’t let him use his disability to hurt you.You obviously don’t know much about ASD. People with ASD are super rude and careless sometimes, these are basic characteristics of the disability that people universally have. Some people have higher levels of ASD than your apparent normie fiancé. It’s a sensory disorder smart ass not just a “learning” disability. Try googling it. I tried to answer in his point of view, but yeah make fun of your husbands own disability as well I’m sure thats real fucking cute.
No. 132652
File: 1581301476268.jpg (209.17 KB, 800x538, 1444173866796.jpg)
my husband has lost every gift ive ever given him, everything from t-shirts & hats, to one very sentimental gift which was a lacquered box filled with 20 love letters. he doesn't really lose track of anything else. ive confronted him about it and he has no explanation for himself, he just says he's sorry.
i've already taken to no longer buying him anything. for holidays & his birthday i will cook or bake him something special because it costs next to nothing & he can't lose something like that.
i don't know what else to do, obviously no longer giving him gifts is a way to save on future heartbreak over this, but it feels like im just giving in to this behavior b/c he is never forced to do better. i can get over the other gifts, but him losing the love letters wounds me so personally, i don't know how to handle it
No. 132669
>>132651>>132648i'm not preaching pinkpill, its interesting reading the threads and has some
valid points but lacks in a lot of respects. you will never have a lasting relationship if you cannot work on issues, and seeing as the occasional negging/excessive honesty/whatever it is, is the only issue the relationship has, when if i got with someone else or slept around single my likelihood of actual neglect and abuse would skyrocket, i'm good with staying until theres no longer value in it
No. 132671
File: 1581351703434.png (266.72 KB, 374x535, 9D8C7F06-D186-45C0-9FBF-5C98FA…)
I know I got to work on my self-esteem issues, but I need to vent.
My boyfriend is going out of state next weekend (it’s a pretty warm state) and I know there are going to be way more attractive women there in bikinis and shit. I know I can’t control him, but sigh, I know he’s going to think they’re hot and probably stare at them.
One time he was scrolling through his timeline and scrolled past a video of this woman wearing a one piece swimsuit with big melons, scrolled back to the video, opened and watched it, then closed it and continued. In front of me! I mean what the fuck. I didn’t say shit. I just sat there like an idiot.
I know it’s only human to find other people attractive, but for me when I love someone 100%, other people’s attractiveness diminishes by 90%. I’m bi and the only person I’m gawking at is the love of my life. Am I crazy and delusional for wanting the same?
He tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, so maybe I need to just chill. But I can’t! Fuck.
No. 132674
>>132671welcome to dating men. no matter how hot you are, hes still gonna look. nobody can offer you any solutions other than to work on yourself/go to therapy, which is all well and good, but you know what i think? do the same shit. follow male models, gawk at bulges in front of him, call other men hot, wear sexy outfits in public with him and ever so subtly act available. you wanna fight the man brain, you gotta use the man brain, let him know you have options, because trust meee, you do. go out with your friends (or alone who cares) to a bar, get a nice drink and post up the selfies while hes gone. will it fix anything? nope. but he might realize he needs to work harder on his shit if he wants to keep you.
Good luck anon
No. 132678
>>132665mostly i buy him gifts when the occasion calls for it (holidays, birthday) but the box of letters (which im most upset about) was to keep him company for 2 months when he went away for a job thing back when we were still dating.
i can get over most of it, the small stuff, but this gift was SO symbolic & sentimental, it feels like he doesn't care at all for him to have lost such a thing. he's not very repentant either
No. 132686
>>132671You can tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Today's "modern woman" is supposed to either pretend she finds men just as visually stimulating as men find women (but we don't, no matter what we say - they are way more horned up by visual stimuli than we are) OR pretend like, its totally cool, I don't mind at all if you stare at other girls!
Both aren't nice outcomes, because as some other anon suggested your BF very well might take your attempt at sexual oneupsmanship (staring at bulges in public lol) as you saying you are down for open relationships or are otherwise just a "cool girl". Don't be a cool girl, be honest with your feelings.
For me, I was never okay with my BF saying actresses were hot in front of me, or whatever. So after the first couple times he did it, I said, more or less, "I dont care what you are thinking, I cant control that, but it is disrespectful for you to speak it out loud to me. What do you want me to DO with that information? Get jealous? Become her somehow? Why would I care who you think is hot if it isn't me?" And he never brought it up again. I'm sure he is still attracted to actresses or whatever, looks at pretty girls in public, but gawking and making a big production of it is disrespectful. I'd tell your BF that, personally. Don't try and fight fire with fire - you will never 'beat' male sexuality. They're naturally deviant and will just end up shocking you regardless of how many men's asses you pretend to be attracted to.
No. 132714
>>132674Thank you Anon, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that.
>>132686> Today's "modern woman" is supposed to either pretend she finds men just as visually stimulating as men find women (but we don't, no matter what we say - they are way more horned up by visual stimuli than we are)This reminds me! He told me one time that a new coworker of his was on his phone and he was showing him some hot girls on his Instagram and you know what he told me? He told his coworker “My girlfriend would find them hot, too,” like you mf. No, I would not because I only have the hots for you, you stupid bastard. That’s all the stories I have so far. I don’t know if I want to stick around and collect anymore, but I can’t see myself leaving as much as I try and tell myself I should because… I’m a clown.
>>132702> Finding ways to mask how you feel will end up with you taking it out on other women.I’m afraid I’m going to get to that point, too. Lately I’ve been comparing myself which I know I shouldn’t do. I’m trying.
>>132703Aha, I don’t know why I wrote that. I was too in the moment.
No. 132740
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>>132671>>132714I HATE HIM. I SWEAR I HATE HIM.
>>132719You’re so right and I told myself I was going to talk to him tomorrow about this because he unintentionally pushed another fucking button tonight. And then he sent a sweet text because he thinks I’m asleep and I couldn’t help but get soft. I fucking hate him but I love him. I can’t stand him. But I am still going to tell him what I feel, this just made it harder.
No. 132797
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I went off my meds and I can't tell in my frustrations with my relationship and general place in life are real, all in my head, or both.
No. 132805
>>132796Dump him and make friends
Ex was like this, would get distant for days on end and look for any reason to blame everything but himself, would get mad when I wanted him to put effort into our relationship and not just come and go as he pleases, would gaslight me if I needed help and go on a rampage about how he "gave up" within like one message of me venting and didn't bother to show any love or care for me at all. All I was to him was a center for his sexuality and he didn't even enjoy or act appreciative towards that most of the time
Conclusion: stop falling for men who can never be happy
No. 132808
>>132805I guess you’re right tbh I’ve known it’s been getting to that point and he even says he thinks we’re going to break up and made me a big list of what I need to change to make things better. I thought it would be better once he started therapy but we’re still too busy and it’s hard because I can’t afford to move out or live with anyone else.
I’m just mad I was dumb enough to move states to be with him because he literally begged me to and now he acts like I’m a huge burden
No. 132813
>>132440either this is just how he acts, and he's not into you, or he's into you and a cheater lol. move on.
also dont type 'hnnnngh' because a dude TALKS CLOSE TO YOU you horny fuck hahaha
No. 132823
>>132808Honestly anon leave now when you have the chance, he's going to kick you out anyway when you break up.
It just sounds like he's mistreating you on purpose
If someone told me "I think we're going to break up"
I know that they've given up on loving me and the break up is going to be soon.
Don't make an effort for a man that doesn't love you anon, men who put this shit on you are trash and need to cut off from immediately, he's the type of man that can't be 'fixed'.
No. 132828
I am convinced that my boyfriend is going to cheat on me when he goes to Europe this summer. It's a month long program for his degree and he'll be getting some class credit. There isn't any on-campus housing as the group will be moving from country-to-country and won't have a permanent residence, so everyone has to find their own AirBnB's. The program recommends pairing up, so my boyfriend is going to be in a group with a mutual male friend of ours and two girls that friend knows from their degree. They're all going to be living in tight, confined spaces in a new place for an entire month.
The thing is, my boyfriend has never given me any reason to think he would cheat. He's very loyal and very sweet. My problem is that in 2018, I was dating another guy who was in a similar situation. I posted about it a bunch on here too. That ex went off to a month long art program, and while he was moving out to the area, he still wanted to be with me. He was very sweet and loyal (or so I thought) and I helped him move out there. He introduced me to his extended family while we were there, and his cousin even talked about me being his future in-law. We had a really great time and when he dropped me off at the airport we had a very long and emotional goodbye and I cried the whole way home I missed him so much. A week into his course he dumped me, and by the second week he already had another girlfriend. It was something that 100% caught me and everyone else off guard. You know how sometimes a guy ends up treating you like shit and everyone around you goes 'I knew he was no good'? Didn't happen. Everyone I told couldn't believe it because they were convinced he and I were going to be together a long time. Even HIS mom was on MY side. That breakup fucking devastated me and while it took me awhile to heal, I finally came to terms with everything about halfway into 2019.
I still have a lot of residual anxiety from that experience. I feel like now I can't even trust anything a guy says or does. I feel like I can't even trust guys who treat me right; I still have no idea what's actually going on in their heads. I know this is projecting but is it? I had a gut feeling when I left the airport that that was the end, and I was right. It almost feels like I don't need proof, I just know something bad is going to happen.
No. 132840
>>132808It's amazing how they go from begging you to move in with them to then making lists of what's wrong with you and threatening a break up without just doing it… it's almost like they are emotionally
abusive once they have you locked into living there..
I've been in that exact situation. Find a way to move out anon. Take some power back by being the one to do the dumping here.
No. 132883
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Hey y'all. Need some advice. Going to need some knowledge of PTSD and how it works for this to make sense to any of you. I'm trying my best to work on it (with the help of some of the tools I learned in therapy) and this is a huge hurdle I've had to jump through with my boyfriend.
So…I used to date an addict. For 4 years. This completely damaged my psyche and 2 years after the breakup, I'm still trying to completely heal from it and have a lot of triggers left. Mainly relating to drugs, drug use, etc. etc. It's gotten a lot better over the last few years! But when it comes to cocaine especially, I just can't deal. I shut down. My ex had a nasty coke habit. My current bf knows this and my trauma around it.
My boyfriend has a group of friends that all get together and have a giant party every year. He is going to be super disappointed if I don't go and for a little while now, I've been indecisive about whether I should. I asked him (nicely) that considering there will be drugs at the party…to please not do coke at least, and maybe I will go. He insists he can't stand coke and rarely if ever does it, only to stay up super late once every few years at these parties. So, I say…why not be okay giving it up then for my sake? He gets really upset and says I'm setting down rules and he doesn't like having rules to follow.
I think this over for a night and say well…okay. No rules. But I can't go to this party if there's a possibility that the only person I feel safe around there is doing cocaine. I can barely handle seeing the shit let alone seeing another one of my boyfriends snorting it. This upset him even more and he says he doesn't even want to go now. I feel a bit forced into being okay with it at this point when I'm simply not. It's a huge trigger for me, I might be able to be okay being around it with the support of my bf/his friends but I can't be okay seeing him do it. I don't think I can handle that. And he won't go to this SUPER important party to him if I won't go.
Am I being the asshole? I don't want my PTSD to effect what he gets to do but…if he hates the shit so much, why not just say "okay honey, no biggie, I/we can still do x or x or x drug that you're slightly more okay with" (mainly psychedelics which I agreed I may try with him and are the only ones he really likes). I don't feel particularly understood or supported. It seems like such a tiny compromise to me for the sake of avoiding trauma.
Any thoughts?
No. 132886
>>132885Honestly yeah…I've felt very little concern for me over this whole issue. He keeps trying to convince me to go with "everyone there is going to be super chill, they're all working professionals, super responsible, this is a once a year thing max" and when I say I understand that and I'm still not that comfortable with it he says "well nobody is looking to get shamed for what they want to do one weekend a year."
Not once has he asked me what he can do to make me more comfortable. If it's that important I go and feel okay with it, one would think he'd ask. Nope. Just guilt over my anxiety bringing everyone else down.
No. 132888
>>132887Honestly it's not even that I wouldn't want to date him. We live together so I see him day in, day out, I know he doesn't have any drug problem. I know the signs by now, in theory I'm okay with him doing a little coke every few years if he really means that the only time he does it.
However…I cannot be around him if he's on coke. That seems pretty reasonable to me. If he wants me there, he has to agree not to. It was absurd to me that that wasn't a reasonable compromise.
No. 132901
>>132897I've been on the other side of this where I heard about the
abusive alcoholic ex all the time. I eventually told him that I could only hear about it so many times before thinking that what he really needs is a qualified therapist to listen
No. 132910
>>132908I've always moved in with partners by the 2 year mark so it varies depending on details like like.
The email and phone access question seems more clear-cut though. Not really normal to have or want access to their phone and emails etc. People usually want access to those when they suspect cheating
No. 132913
>>132908My partner and I have been together a little over a year and I'd say I have a pretty good idea about what they're up to. Maybe not down to the minutia but we see eachother 3-4 days a week and when we're not together we text/call and they'll tell me what they've got going on. Imo it would be alarming for a partner to go multiple days without talking to me but every relationship is different, some people need more space or their world just doesn't center around their romantic life. If it's bugging you I would definitely bring it up though.
As for phone/email access it's available to me, like my s/o has made it that I have fingerprint access to his phone, but I don't really have a reason to use it and I don't think he'd be super happy if I just started trawling through his shit, like
>>132910 said it's not the norm
No. 132924
My bf was the most annoying he's ever been this weekend and I don't really know what to do.
I went to a con this weekend with him, one of my best friends, and her bf. The two of them roomed with us. My bf has met the both of them before but only once since they live far away. For some reason, I guess he felt like he needed to impress them or be as close with them as I am? He kept making forced jokes, talking over everyone, and butting into conversations (either they would be talking to each other or my friend and I would be discussing something). Some of the jokes he made were so cringy and uncomfortable that I couldn't believe he said them.
He even started acting that way to other people at the con by forcing his way into random conversations when we were on the elevator or if someone was nearby. By the end of the night, I was so mad that I didn't even want to be around him. It was exhausting dealing with him being so over the top, especially when he was completely normal the day before.
When we left this morning, he kept going on and on about how he's so happy to have new friends and how I have to give him my friends phone numbers so he can call them. A few months back, I told him that he should get some new friends (he's not really close with the ones he has) because the only friend he really has is me. He has a strained relationship with his family too so he really doesn't have people to hang out with or talk to.
Well, I guess his solution to that is to just force his way into all my friend groups or to harass strangers. I've never seen him act this way before. He'll occasionally be a bit annoying when we're in a group but this was times ten. I have another con coming up in a few months that he wanted to come to and I honestly don't want him there.
No. 132943
>>132915Forget about the money issue, he is asking you to change your body and put up with the pain of waxing too, important to note that he wants you to sacrifice your own preference and your own comfort here all for his pleasure. Drop the idea, even if he pays for it.
I had a partner do this over wanting me to take the pill (which screws up my mental health) he didn't want to wear condoms so we came to the agreement that we'd go 50/50 on the cost of the pill… but it was still my body enduring it. Don't get fixated on the money issue when it's actually not the real issue here. It's his lack of respect for what you want for your own body.
No. 132952
>>132915His true colors are showing. Just keep in mind this isn't going to be the first time he disrespects you.
>such a cost is approaching “sugar daddy territory” Just fucking wow.
No. 132982
>>132915I have a slightly different take than the other anons. I don't think it is so outrageous for someone to make a request of their partner to shave their body hair. I'm straight and I ask my male partners to shave because pubic hair isn't my thing. If they refused, I'd be fine with it too and I'd just drop it – BUT I don't think it is abhorrent to suggest something that you like sexually in an open minded relationship.
What is shitty is A) being a weird dick about it and insisting, rather than asking, and B) saying they need to pay for it somehow?
If he asked to see you without body hair in a relaxed way and didn't seem to pressure you, I'd say just shave it. It will grow back if you don't like it. But based off of what you've described, he sounds like a dick. It's not about money either, it is about him being "weird" about it. Straight up ask him, "Is me having body hair a deal breaker for you, because I like it." And if it is, time to move on.
Like I said, I've asked all sorts of weird shit to my partners as relationships go on, either they say yes or no. That in and of itself isn't a problem…it's how he went about it.
No. 132985
>>132982I wouldn't feel bad asking a guy to shave because there isn't universal pressure on them to look like hairless children as a result of porn sickness and increasingly extreme tastes.
But that said, I think the real issue here is a man thinking 40 FUCKING DOLLARS is sugar daddy territory. How absolutely pathetic, who would want to be in a relationship with such a cheap loser?
No. 132996
>>132982I've asked a partner to trim his pubic hair before without putting any pressure on him and he was happy to. What I don't get here is why waxing seems to be the only option?
I'd never have the guts to endure a full wax or put up with the possible ingrown hairs/expense/itch as it grows back. That is asking a bit much.
The main issue is definitely that he appears to be controlling though. It doesn't seem like he's just asking. He's putting pressure on and then even the expense of a wax becomes another battle for control. I can't imagine this is a healthy relationship at all
No. 133033
hi I’m sorry, I’m anon whose boyfriend wants her to wax and I just have a few things to add:
1. I used to shave for a long time because I was on a competitive swim team and was embarrassed by my body hair. I shaved it all off for years afterwards because I was still very self conscious about it. He actually asked me to grow it out when we started dating and has only indicated to me that he likes the hair.
2. My boyfriend has actually shaved his legs with me once when I told him I didn’t want to do it unless he did it with me. He liked it while they were smooth, but told he couldn’t handle the itchiness/nicks/razor burn and just grew out his leg hair.
3. He commented about my hairy legs today and I got frustrated bc I’ve been reading the replies and waiting to respond. I do a lot of things to appeal to him (dressing in a particular way, buying lingerie, trying to cater to his turn ons, wearing makeup, styling my hair, investing a lot of time and money into my appearance, much more than I ever did when I was single), but he doesn’t reciprocate. The only thing I really don’t do in regards to general feminine performance is shave. I brought up the waxing situation and he just dismissively & angrily told me to just forget it and that he wanted me to pay for half. I told him that it would be painful and uncomfortable for me to get that done, and a hassle to deal with.
4. It feels a lot of the time that I’m the only one putting effort into appealing to him, since he really doesn’t do anything at all to appeal to me. He goes to the gym, but that’s for himself, and I know it’s for him because he eye-fucks himself in the mirror after he gets back.
5. I don’t ask him to do anything with his body because I think the way he is naturally is fine, and I would feel ridiculous asking him to change things about himself. I have issues with my self esteem and especially my body image, and I’m still very self conscious about the changes in my body despite growing a little more comfortable. This may be why I’m apprehensive and more sensitive about these issues.
I’m sorry for all this but this is my final point: what’s been said about male sexuality being a meme is the truest thing ever spoken. men only really care about novelty, which is why I think my bf is quickly changing his mind about these things. It’s selfish to me because he’s not considering what I want or the repercussions on my body, or even what I want with my body. It feels like he’s taking my choices and making it all about what his dick wants this week, and I’m scared for our relationship going forward if he only views my body as something that I’ll just change to fit whatever he wants because he asks.
No. 133034
>>133033I’m sorry, I’m just adding on as to why he insisted on waxing: I told him originally when we started dating that I really didn’t like shaving because i had for years and it always irritated me/gave me bad ingrown hairs/was generally a pain to upkeep, so he suggested I stop shaving it months before the waxing conversation.
I brought up this point because when he originally suggested that he just wanted to see me without any pubic hair, I told him I didn’t want to because shaving was a pain and I didn’t mind the hair. He brought up waxing, and thats when I said that if he wanted that then he could pay for it.
No. 133050
I've become completely sex-repulsed within the last year. I've never really been interested in sex - I don't masturbate (have tried and it does nothing for me), only occasionally get turned on, and don't feel the need to get off. In fact, I've never orgasmed. Sex has always been mildly uncomfortable or just alright for me. There have been times when I've enjoyed it, but I haven't felt like that since 2018 now.
I love my boyfriend, and I find him very attractive, but recently the thought of being touched makes me want to vomit. I've never particularly liked being touched, especially in relation to sex, but it has gotten so bad that I can't help but recoil when he touches my butt or whatever. It just feels gross to me.
Obviously, he is very upset by this and doesn't understand why I've changed so much all of a sudden. I've never liked being perceived as a sexual creature, and he knew this on some level, but I was definitely more enthusiastic in the past with initiating. I've always wanted to make him feel good, though, rather than myself, because I really just… don't care. What's changed now, however, is that I don't want it at all.
I feel terrible, because my boyfriend feels like he's done something wrong, or that he isn't desirable. That isn't the case at all. He has a high libido, and this is destroying him, I can tell, even if he doesn't bring it up all that often (though when he does, it has led to tears and arguments).
And before someone jumps in saying "you should try a vibrator," or "you just haven't masturbated correctly," I've tried sex toys, I've tried many things to try and enjoy or stimulate the desire for sex, but it does not work.
I don't want to break up, but I don't know what to do. It was one thing when I was willing to participate even when it didn't do much for me, but now I can't stand it at all. I'm at a loss. Why does sex have to be a thing? I wish it would cease to exist. I don't want to hold my boyfriend back - he's a handsome, intelligent guy who could get anyone he wants, easily, and he's wasting his youth with someone like me. He's been extremely patient, but for how long should he be expected to be?
No. 133054
>>133033Grow a spine,please! It's one thing to occasionally do things that your partner requests because it makes them happy and another to completely compromise on everything and do things you're not comfortable with for the sake of their own desires/ego.
If you don't want to wax then don't wax and if he's not happy about it, that shows he cares more about his own gratification than your comfort. You should be able to talk with him about this without him throwing a tantrum.
My bf and I have discussed these types of issues and I've made it expressly clear that I don't enjoy being told what my body should look like. While he's the type of person that thinks it's okay for a partner to have a preference and express that (in a non-asshole way), he doesn't push me on it because he knows my stance.
If you can't talk to him, that's probably a sign that he's too immature to be with anyone
No. 133056
>>133050I'm pretty similar to you. The only exceptions being that I like clitoral play and can come from it. But I have a low drive, don't like penetration and don't like feeling too objectified when a partner is touching me etc. I've had two long relationships where I put my own comfort aside and had sex hundreds of times for their sake… we're often told that when one partner has a low libido and the other has a high libido that it's the low libido that needs 'fixing' but it's not.
It's miserable to have sex that you don't truly want. It takes its toll on your own sense of self and it slowly destroys a relationship. The key is to find someone with a similarly low drive where neither of you have to feel resentment over sex.
You show a lot of empathy for him in your post, worrying about him feeling less than desirable or claiming he's so good for being 'patient with you' but you never owed him all that sex in the first place. It's becoming harder for you to perform sex now because it's emotionally fucks a person up to have sex out of duty like that.
No. 133059
>>133034You made your own feelings about body hair very clear to him early in the relationship and now he's pushing your boundaries and getting pissy cos you won't not only change yourself for him but also pay the bill for it…
>>133033This whole post confirms that you will look back on this relationship one day and cringe at the fact that you ever let this man near your vag, full stop
No. 133061
I might come out the asshole for asking this one but here goes. I also want to be told if it's out of line. How can I ask my bf to not be close friends with other women?
So I have anxiety and am a pretty jealous person, and I worry a lot. It's a well known issue between us and I know that it's not his problem. OK, now I'm trying to actually get some control over my anxiety using DBT, but I mean. I still don't think I'd be OK with him being close friends with women. He has one long time female friend (10+ years) that I'm fine with, they have one very specific thing in common, and every so often (a month or so) they'll go get a burger and talk about that thing and generally how their life is. So it's quite longstanding, clearly platonic and tbh kinda shallow. I don't think I'd be fine with my bf meeting a woman now then them going for a meal just together. I also wouldn't be OK with him getting a new closest friend and having them be female. I would say on a shallow level, in a group setting and hanging out at work as coworkers with lunch etc, fine. I just think there's something odd about developing a proper friendship with the opposite sex when in a relationship. And thinking about it even though most my friends are male (and either suspected asexual or gay), I have never made a male friend when in a relationship outwith a group setting.
But I mean my bf has historically got on with women more, he's kind of effeminate. All my exes had just a group of lads as friends so this is uncharted territory. Is it reasonable to expect? I see shit online like "it's fine for your bf to have a best friend of the opposite sex he shares a bed with or you're a jealous, possessive sow and clearly don't TRUST". But I mean, I just don't want the mess. And I feel like I'm not saying this from an anxious viewpoint.
So one: is this reasonable to ask? Two: is the kind of thing I just wait and mention once he does get a female friend he's getting closer to? Three: How can I actually explain it?
We both have old friends of the opposite sex, and it feels there are divisive opinions on whether you can have close friends of the opposite sex wherever I try look. So why are old, established friends of the opposite sex OK but new ones (to me) aren't? How (and when) can I reasonably explain this boundary without coming off as trying to control his life?
I'm just thinking if he asks me "why can't I be friends with girls?" right now my explanation would be "I just don't like it" and I don't think that would suffice.
No. 133066
>>133061 > I'm trying to actually get some control over my anxiety using DBTAre you diagnosed with borderline personality or do you suspect you have it? Just asking because most referrals for DBT are for that. It's specifically developed for bpd and that would explain your issue with jealousy.
It's not healthy to want to limit your partners friendship options like that. It's typical in say a first relationship to struggle with those things but if it's ongoing you might want to mention it to a therapist because it's not him that needs to change.
No. 133230
File: 1582435712816.jpg (78.36 KB, 576x669, 1574498974148.jpg)
so my boyfriend is clearly codependent… he never says no, wants to do everything for me, and makes me the center of everything. it's a huge leap from having a narcissistic ex. and i have to admit i love being taken care of. but is it unsustainable even if i'm considering his feelings and not abusing it? i'm worried about hurting him inadvertently, and i know if i asked he'd immediately shut it down by telling me he lives to care for me
No. 133231
>>132915He
should be a sugar daddy earning 100k when you earn nil. That's shameful on his part that he isn't.
No. 133232
>>133061You have a problem with new female friends over old ones, because it suggests he is
looking for new female friends after being established with you, which appears to be a man hedging his bets. Established friends were there before you and don't represent an intentional seeking of new female companions.
No. 133243
>>133242First of all, social media shouldn't be taken as an example of what your relationship should look like. Don't use what you see on social media as a standard.
Does he have trouble with money/is he tight on money? Some other reason to not be able to afford/justify gifts? Do you get him gifts in return?
I do agree it's kind of shitty to straight up forget a present/cake on your gf's birthday if there's nothing to justify not getting that cake.
No. 133244
>>133243It's not just social media, it seems like people tell me these things, too. I know relationships shouldn't be compared to others but it still hurts.
He is not tight on money, he doesn't have a lot but he still treats his friends and family to lunches and buys gifts for his giant family who never gives him anything in return. I do get him things, I usually spent a lot on him on anniversaries and holidays, especially his birthday. His answer was that he's not used to getting gifts for people but his mother regularly tells him to buy expensive things for the family (like video games and video game systems) but he doesn't get me anything. Then after he blows his money on his family which is full of adult neets, I get stuck covering the bills for the month. I also moved across the country for him and don't know anyone here, so that means if he doesn't do anything for my birthday that no one will because I am having a hard time making friends here and I don't know anyone. Even after I drove a moving truck almost 2,000 miles to be with him, he didn't have anything for me like groceries or flowers or anything. I feel like an asshole but damn I'd appreciate some kind of gesture or sign he thinks about me when I'm not with him. Maybe this is just how guys are now.
No. 133248
>>133244>not tight on money>treats friends and family>leaves you to cover bills>doesn’t reciprocate your gifts>straight up ignores important dates and general courtship responsibilities >”I feel like an asshole”Holy shit bitch, female socialization is a hell of a drug. Get some fucking self respect. Your man isn’t some clueless retarded “doesn’t know how to buy gift uwu”, he just knows you’re a low maintenance simp bitch.
When he next gets paid, bait by gushing about an item like you’ve wanted it for a long time, see if he offers. If he doesn’t, straight up ask (cutely) “Babe buy it for me~“, if he refuses at this point, cut your losses sis.
No. 133249
>>133242>>133244He's just doing it for you to get off his back. I know people will defend him and just tell you to CoMmuNiCaTE MOrE but you already have multiple times and he didn't decide to do shit until you yelled at him. He sounds like the typical brainless guy that you have to order to do anything remotely thoughtful because he's such a precious ignorant uwu baby who can't think for himself. Truth is, he's a low effort person who probably doesn't care about you that much, but keeps you around because it's convenient and easy.
>I also moved across the country for him>Even after I drove a moving truck almost 2,000 miles to be with him>I get stuck covering the bills for the monthHoly, shit what the fuck does he even do then? He doesn't provide you with love or affection, he forgets important dates, he ignores your concerns and doesn't even listen to you, what is he good for?
>Maybe this is just how guys are now.Nope. And even if they were, you fucking leave em and enjoy your life on your own until you find someone who will treat you right. Leave, no matter how inconvenient it is.
No. 133292
File: 1582546675153.jpg (57.28 KB, 500x441, 576ac65271f2b3da52f7ab285e7d43…)
ah,anons,i am so stuck but i guess i just need to vent somewhere safe and hopefully get some useful advice because i am so lost
me and my bf have been together for 9 months. he's my first bf(we are both 22) and honestly he's been the best but lately we've hit a very rough patch.
we've had a lot of fights because we differ a lot personality wise,but we've always been able to smooths things our eventually. for the past week everything has been so bad - one huge fight after the other. i've been crying myself to sleep every single night. our problems have always been that he is extremely jealous and he has problems with controlling his emotions(he's never been violent to me,but has knocked stuff over and yelled which frightens me) and he can't stand that whenever things get intense i just keep quiet and i usually keep more to myself.(i am a very closeted person,i've always been that way)
last sunday we had a huge fight because a friend of mine was scrolling on tinder and i was looking at the dudes with her and making fun of them - he found that extremely hurtful which i still do not understand.that fight lasted two days. after that we were fine for half a day and then he confessed that after uni he spent time with a girl he went out with twice before we started dating. i never knew about this girl at all,he said that when he saw that it could work out between us he cut contact with her. i'm not the jealous type but i was hurt that he never told me about her - he's told me about other girls that he was IN LOVE WITH shortly before we begun dating. After he told me told me about this girl,he also confessed that during the summer(we spent the summer apart because I had a job in another city.we had been dating for a month when I had to leave for three,so sumer was LDR) a girl he's told me numerous times that he was in love with texted him. She lives in a different country( we are both euros) and apparently she was home for a bit and wanted to meet up.He did not answer her. She texted him a few times more,last time in November and he never told me.I was annoyed but I said it was fine cause they used to be friends. Then he said that he wouldnt answer her cause he didn't want to test himself. Since I wasnt there during the summer and we fought a lot - he might have done sth with that girl. That hurt so much. Ever since that happened I've been in so much pain. I'm bac home visiting my parents for a few days and we just had this huge fight over the phone. he keeps saying that we dont talk anymore,that we arent friends anymore and that ive stopped trying. I am so deeply hurt and I really cant speak to him because he made me feel so unwanted. I am so incredibly insecure and hurt right now and I hate him for making me doubt him and myself and making me so darn jealous. I've been crying non-stop for a week now because of everything and I am s confused.I can't imagine breaking up with him,I really can't. But yet I am so hurt and I don't see a solution.
Please,help me, and I am soo sorry for this stupidly long post and the array of errors.
tl;dr bf losing interest in me,im insecure,we fight a lot
No. 133295
>>133292Holy red flags batman
>extremely jealous>problem with controlling emotions>knock over things and yell, physical intimidation ie letting you know he’ll fuck you up if he wants to>extreme insecurities to the point taking everything personally, doesn’t want you to have any opinion on anything>being on some other bitch’s hook the whole time So uhhh, there is no way to save this. It’s over. Sounds like he never got over some girl and used you as a rebound. She must have hurt his ego pretty bad that he’s taking it all out on you, attempting to assert complete control over you, making you pay for her sins.
Emotionally distance yourself now. Find some cute guys online to talk to, I find this really helpful to untangle the feeling of codependency. Break up as soon as it is physically safe to do so. I know it’s your first and 9 months feel like a long time, but I’m telling you that your perspective is a bit warped right now but trust, you’ll see so clearly in hindsight, you’ll thank yourself for making the choice now.
No. 133322
>>133318my s/o agrees actually. he doesn't want to rush anything. it's not like we haven't had sex before, i just hit a ~
trigger~ or something and haven't been able to the past couple months. he's being super patient, and keeps reinforcing that i shouldn't feel guilty, but i def do, and i miss sex
No. 133338
>>133333>He's so desperate to not lose me By that do you mean he tells you he doesn't want to lose you, without ever changing, sacrficing anything, or placing your needs above his own?
Sis, he won't even give up dumb memes for you. Though the fact that he hates women is enough reason to dump him whether he broadcasts it or not.
No. 133349
>>133295>>133297i'm really greatful for the advice,anons but i just cant imagine breaking up with him
the boy i fell in love with was kind and gentle in every way. it took us 6 months to have sex because of my body image issues and he never once complained or pressured me in any way. and now suddenly it's like i don't know him anymore.i just want my old bf back
No. 133352
>>133349I’m so sorry but that boy isn’t coming back… Men regularly go through incredible length to sell you a version of themselves. We fall in love with them, we show our necks and they show their fangs. Grieve old memories but do not live in the past, all that matters is who he is now. It is hallmark of an
abusive relationship when you long for the past more than the present. Seek support and find the reason within to allow yourself happiness, you owe yourself that much.
No. 133387
>>133376He’s keeping you on the hook while he shops for new blood.
Toxic relationship + break never equals happy ending.
No. 133410
>>133376 > fell into a toxic dynamicThere's no such thing as 'falling into' being
toxic. You are
toxic together full stop, everything you described since the break up sounds equally
toxic and he's telling you that he doesn't care.. he's acting like a dick and you are just hanging on anyway. Come back to reality and break up for good. Move out this time.
No. 133455
>>133384Damn, what an eye opener. I have been feeling really upset about this one best friend who cheated on me and lied to me for almost two years. But yknow what, I deserve better. I shouldn’t be too sad about it, I dodged a bullet.
Thank you for these words, anon
No. 133459
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How do I have a revenge glow up? half a year into a relationship with an emotionally abusive, neglectful and manchild boyfriend that I'm close to breaking up with and he's been such a narcisstic fuck to me that I want it to sting him for all the times he's lied, played me, taken me for granted, gaslighted me and otherwise been an incel.
No. 133461
>>133460How do I stay firm? I've tried a few times and he always guilt trips me into staying. I go to therapy and admit to my therapist that I need to stop being a doormat because he's had multiple chances. The final straw for me has been that even with something incredibly traumatic happening two weeks ago, he's made it about himself and he's gotten emotionally
abusive at me for being down over something so heavy but uni and his job are more stressful to him and he expects me to bend over backwards. I'm tired. He also gives me the silent treatment when I stand up for myself and twists it to his younger sister who is unaware of his manipulative attitude.
No. 133470
>>133377>>133410Thank you both. It was that typical dynamic of anxious vs. avoidant attachment. In past relationships my anxiety never got too bad because exes could actually reassure me, but this one could just walk off or detach exacerbating it. I figured the combo of me learning to deal with my anxieties on my own and him learning to talk about his feelings would smooth things out. And that outside that we're compatible emotionally and practically way more than I've experienced with other guys. I think we're a good match.
But I kept going over that conversation and tbh…why am I trying to convince him that we're good together? Why is it always me saying "Hey let's just try it out" because when I read
>>133377 I remembered that in fact yeah, my past partners were always telling me how much the loved me, made caring gestures and I think most of all had hope and looked positively to our future unless it was incompatible. They went out of their way to show me they loved me as much, if not more, than I did to them. And like if I manage to "convince" my recent ex that we should be together, it'll just be more insecurity because he didn't enthusiastically agree to do his best etc.
And during arguments with this one it's constant pessimism about not being sure if it'll work out in the long run and this or that thing might go wrong. No effort to solve problems just "ah it won't work". It feels sucky because I do feel so much warmth and love towards him and there's tangible improvements to be made to make us work, but honestly I've never been able to tell if it was reciprocated. There are so many kind actions he's done because he wanted to make me happy, but also I don't think he has once complimented me unless I asked.
It's not so easy to move out because I'm financially dependent but I'm searching (DESPERATELY) for a job either in this country or back in my home country. Thanks. Thank you.
No. 133472
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How do you handle a family member who is 28yo, refuses to grow up (calls herself a baby unironically, buying kids stuff), screeches on discord while increasing the pitch of her voice (because uwu im a cute mercy main) and hates not being the center of attention both irl and on internet? Whenever we come over and during lunch or whatever she realizes she cant be the center of attention she leaves to attention seek on Discord VC.
She never lived a hard life, she is practically spoiled by her entire family. Never had education or even part time job (is getting one now, at 28 because broke mother finally pushed her). Also too much of a triggered softie. Cant stand up for herself even on internet, always needs a WK. Is acting like a child, always need to do things instead of her: calling that she is not going to come even though the person who invited her called her, etc.
How to become patient? How to shut my brain off from the fact that I am 8 years younger than her and I am stronger and work? I seriously hope that she will grow up after experinencing the reality of having a job. I want to befriend her yet after experiencing everything that I mentioned I can't help but feel annoyed.
No. 133484
>>133472She sounds annoying as fuck to be around but she's not your issue. You can compare where you are in life to where she is but…why? There are childish 28 year olds and mature 18 year olds out there. If she's your cousin or whatever she's not your problem to fix. Her parents aren't going to suddenly change at this point, and even if they did she's already stunted.
It's one of those 'I can't control other people, I can only control myself' situations.
No. 133486
>>133472Someone who was raised te way she was, won't "grow up" simply from having a part time job at 28.
Why do you want to befriend her? Your inviting garbage unneccersarily close into your life.
No. 133500
>>133492Does it feel sudden or gradual? Are you both settling in or does it feel like only one partner is?
It should be a gradual thing experienced by both partners.
No. 133508
Girls, I need help to figure what the fuck is wrong with me and what do. Sorry for the long text.
Backstory: I'm 27 college dropout (back again) with mental issues. The oficial is general anxiety, which severelly fucked up my life. I'm better, as in, with medication I don't start crying in the middle of pratical and oral exams. Being in public, speaking with people, even the cashier or the neighbour, is awful. I've been like this all my life, and I only don't self diagnose with autism because I can read faces and social clues; I just don't know how and when to speak or act or walk or do the things that I should do as a proper healthy functional adult female.
I was bullied in school and became an agreaable sheep with no personality. I'm a creep that freaks people out and I simply/physically can't act any other way. It's like knowing how to drive, having a license, but I can't turn the key. I have no friends, I couldn't care less about my family, and I'm ridiculously lonely.
I always wanted to get close to friends, have intimacy, help and be helped, share my life with others; but I never pass the line between hangout and being a friend. I also always wanted a boyfriend, a guy to cuddle and fuck, to come home to, to marry, to share my life. Since I'm an ugly creep, I have as much luck as the average incel.
I have a sex drive, I masturbate regulary since I was 12, and some guys arouse me just by saying hi. But most of men just disgust me. I can like them as people, I can say that they are objecivelly atractive, but the idea of kissing them is fucking repulsive.
I went on dates with 3 guys who showed interest in me, and it took me a while each to time to understand, oh they want to date me. They were decent guys, one of them was pretty, but I just felt bored and tired from going on dates. I only kissed one of them, and it was one peck on the lips. One. I just ghosted the 3 of them when going on dates stressed me out so much it affected my job/study. I made out with 2 guys while drunk in a bar, and just felt bored. Kissing itself was disgusting. I almost had sex once when a coworker I met that day invited my for dinner (we are from the same country and we were in the otherside of the world). I fell asleep watching a movie and woke up with him kissing me. He was pretty, so I was like ok, let's lose this virginity. He was gentle, he went down on me, but I just couldn't get aroused. I was just so fucking bored. I was so dry he couldn't penetrate and I gave him a blowjob. The blowjob itself was kinda fun.
Even my experience with dating was just meh, just one more thing to do on the checklist. I don't want to give up and be lonely for the rest of life. So I went online searching for a guy that could be compatible with my creepy personality and abnormal behaviour. I found him. He is like me: doesn't speak much, doesn't have friends, isn't close to his family, has weird interests. The only difference is he doesn't care that he is the way he is; I hate everything about myself. It's weird being with him because we are both silent, we don't know how to act, and we are both awkard as fuck. He is a decent guy and he is the best I can hope for if I don't want to end up eaten by cats. But last time we were together I pecked him on the lips and it was disgusting. I don't feel atracted to him at all. I know that he is a good guy, but if I really can't care about him. And I think he feels the same way, both scrapping the bottom of the barrel to stop being an incel.
I want company, I want to share my life with someone, but I just don't get attached to noone. I can't flirt, I don't know when a guy is interested unless he says it, and I'll try to date and get attached to guys that show interest. My attraction is to random guys, a yes or no switch that has nothing to do with looks or personality. I don't even have a type, just things that turn me off (BO, trashy fuckboy behaviour, rudeness, childish attitude). I want to care about this guy, he is the best for me, but I don't know if i can kiss him again without gagging. I think it would be easier to suck his cock than kiss him. I simply can't find it in me to feel a shred of something, good or bad, about him.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I assexual, even though I'm lonely and horny? Am I a psychopath?
Should I just go through the motions with him or just give up on trying to get attached to him?
Can I tell him that kissing is fucking disgusting but I kinda of want to have sex with him (just for curiosity, the idea doesn't arouse me even one bit)?
No. 133512
>>133511Different anon here but I got a late diagnosis of high functioning autism in my thirties. I've never liked kissing. It's a sensory thing. I can do more intimate things and be fine with a dick in my mouth but I avoid kissing.
You might just be dealing with the long term effects of anxiety. Anxiety disorders can cause sensory issues too.
No. 133524
>>133522Tbh your lack of connection with people in general sounds way more important than sex or a relationship right now.
It sounds like you're getting some sort of help with a diagnosed anxiety disorder but you need to open up about your trouble forming friendships and your issues around touch. I hate people rushing to say autism on here but if you already suspect it then mention it at your next appointment.
No. 133528
>>133524I had group therapy for a while, because of those relational issues, but I felt like shit during it. People went there with real problems and I was like, buh huh, I'm a pathetic coward who's afraid of people. I have never been beaten or raped or abused, but I act like a fucking retard. They didn't fucking believe just how fucking crippling my anxiety is, because holy shit, I have NO reason to be the way I am.
Jesus fucking Christ, I had to leave because I couldn't stand going there and receive feedback like: oh i don't get it how is it possible to someone to feel like that, what is wrong with you, it's simple, just don't do what you do and do the things that you can't do; or worst, just be yourself bro, just love yourself. What the fuck, every fucking time I went there I just felt like a spoilt piece of shit throwing a tantrum.
I'm sorry for spamming.
No. 133554
Has anyone been in a relationship where they felt like you're still waiting to for something "click," like a piece that just hasn't fit in quite yet, or like there's a sort of…I don't want to say distance, but that's the only term I can think to describe it, just a gap that hasn't quite yet been closed. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now and guess it's in part that he hasn't really said I love you (aside from passive sort of ways or implying it), we haven't really talked about our future, and I can't say I feel particularly wooed or romanced by him, so yeah, it just feels like this bit that's missing in a way? We do lots of fun things together, have good conversations, frequent sex, and I do love him, so sometimes I worry that this is actually more me than him, like some part of me is fundamentally broken or closed off after being hurt before. At the same time I light up when he randomly kisses me in public or says something sweet, and I feel like if he just did things like that more frequently and consistently my heart would open up and things would feel more right. What do you guys think?
No. 133559
>>133528Might be a bad therapist administrating the session. While their advice at its core is true, the problem with anxiety is that it adds hurdles to carrying out the action. It's difficult to "just be yourself" with panic attacks clouding the rationale. Try seeking one-on-one help through a psychologist or therapist instead, or going through self-help workbooks relating to the issue if money or personal inhibitions hold you back.
>>133553Yeah. Group therapy never worked for me, though I've seen it work for others. While I could see it being productive for a group with similar issues, I was constantly grouped with extreme cases. One person wanted to murder people, for starters. Yikes.
No. 133571
>>133554Oh this was the same as me and my very recent ex and honestly I'd drop it. Easier said than done, especially when things overall are going well but it is SUCH a relief that I can in the future find someone that can reciprocate that exciement I have. For example, all holidays and special occasions never really felt that special excitement or romance. He had maybe never complimented me unless I asked, like I was just supposed to know. Though we got on well it was like we were just existing together and I felt a lack of real growth between us. One of my earlier exes once set up a treasure hunt for me on Valentines that led to a small sentimental gift, and that memory means more to me than my first trip to america I took with my recent ex, or frankly any other special occasion we shared.
Yeah, so I feel like it was just a bunch of making small concessions you can live with because objectively nothing is wrong, but it seems like maybe the two of you are a great match practically, but not fundamentally, hence that abscence. We broke up due to concrete reasons so I know it'll be harder to just do it out of the blue, but I'd say it's a waste of time otherwise, because I just feel so relieved.
No. 133592
>>133554Some people can have issues with expressing their true feelings. In that situation judge them for their actions and look for the more subtle ways they might try to let you know. I struggled with this due being hurt in the past. When my boyfriend would kiss me and tell me he loved me, I always found it difficult to say it back even though I did love him. I did eventually get over this by realising that he meant what he said and he isn't going to humiliate me for saying it back.
The other thing that can happen in long term relationships is that it gets to a point where it doesn't need to be said constantly. When I was dating my boyfriend we started saying it every time we saw each other, every time we kissed or cuddled. Now we've been married for three years we tell each other a few times a week.
No. 133606
I feel like such a fucking idiot right now and I don't know how to move forward. I started my first sexual relationship with a guy I've been messing around with for 6 months now. At the beginning I was pretty crazy about him, but he's a very private person and didn't want anyone to know we were seeing each other. I know for a fact he wasn't in a relationship at the time, so I wasn't concerned, it was more a "it's nobody's business who I'm sleeping with" issue. Yeah, it upset me. And yeah, I brought up many times that I wanted a romantic, proper relationship, and he was upfront with me that he didn't. I made the decision to stick around anyway because it was my first experience having sex and honestly it was great. I eventually gave up on anything serious between us and enjoyed very much the friends with benefits vibe.
Then I met a new guy who I just got on with so well. He's handsome and interesting and kind, genuinely kind in a mature way my fwb's wasn't. I went on a 'date' with this guy recently, I use the word lightly because it was more a get-to-know-you in person with a few drinks. We talk often online but this was the first time we had hung out alone. Despite how well the night went, I avoided a kiss goodbye or anything physical because I didn't want to rush anything.
And now, this fucking weekend, fwb's decided to open up to me for the first time and confess that he really likes me and wants to try a serious relationship - wants to be with me publicly. He even offered to hold my hand as we went for a walk to talk about things, something which I love and he always told me was stupid and cringey. Apparently he was just joking because it takes him a while to get attached to someone and then commit to them.
I'm just lost. I feel so guilty for letting myself think about this other guy, and at the same time, I'm doubtful of going into a relationship with fwb's because I feel like I've moved on. And now I feel like a bitch because I'll be the one hurting him by denying him the relationship he was under the impression I still wanted. ALL I fucking want is a boyfriend, a proper boyfriend who I can fall in love with. I've asked for a few days of silence from fwb's to think things over. He thinks we'd be a great couple, part of me feels obligated to try because we have been involved with each other for so long. Another part of me thinks the guy I met recently would be a better fit for me. To anyone reading this - don't ever settle for causal fun. I'm sure it never ends well.
Anybody been in a similar scenario? I'm going to lose someone I care about here, how can I know with any kind of confidence I'm making the right choice for myself? Fucked me right up.
No. 133610
>>133606Your fwb felt you slipping away from him and now he’s panicking and trying to figure out a way to still keep you around. I wouldn’t trust him, he sounds exactly like my flaky ex who didn’t really want me until I started showing interest in other guys. Like weeks of radio silence, then I’d bump into him while on a date with someone else and suddenly he’s bombing me with messages daily.
You said it yourself, you feel obligated to try, but you NEVER own anyone a relationship. Go with the new guy and the fwb that he had his chance and maybe not sleep on it the next time. Six months is a long ass time to not want a relationship and then at the drop of a hat change their mind about it.
No. 133614
>>133606>>133610This. Your fwb can sense his free easy sex doll is on the way out the door and now he's panicking. He doesn't give a shit about you, just the sex.
Good on you for not rushing into things with the new guy. I would say hold off on any sexual contact for a few months with him so you can see if he really wants a serious relationship.
No. 133627
>>133625Even if you do try it'll end with the same problems it began with. As the other posters said this is probably so sudden because he feels like he'd lose you otherwise (whether that's for sex or anything else). So…you think after all of this non committal, and he's been scared into doing the BARE MINIMUM.
So…what'll happen once you guys are dating, you think he'll still have that motivation? This shit will just repeat itself, he's still going to hate any vulnerability and one of you will end it.
See, you can see even from the start, when you're not banking on a miracle, that a serious relationship with your fwb will not work out. If you like this new guy you should drop the fwb.
No. 133649
>>133625Lol sis this is typical fuckboi behaviour. Hes saying hes scared to be vulnerable and then 4 months later you'll see him with a girl he actually wants to be with doing everything you wanted him to do…
Dont be played like a fool.
No. 133693
So, I have these friends called Jon and David. Jon I've met years ago in online game, kept friends afterwards and playing from time to time. Then during summer I met David, who is Jon's friend since middle school. At first we're all just friends, but then David starts texting me more often than not and initiating hanging out with all of us.
After few months we started flirting with him, even quite openly in front of others and get told to get a room etc. So we tone it down and start dating behind the scenes. During all this Jon has been liking another girl from our friend group so me and David try to convince him to at least ask her out or asking if she feels the same so that he's not left hanging.
We get to december/january and i start to suspect that Jon might have a crush on me, while he does not know that me and David are dating. We haven't dared to go really public with it yet, since it's been a few months only and that he's been quite busy with work+uni. So Jon hasn't seen us both at the same time in a longer while, and can't tell what's up really from that. During past couple months I've tried to limit what I say/send to Jon he doesn't get ideas and actively shutting him down from confessing.
And now he confessed that he likes me, has never felt this strongly about anyone before and can't move on from me even if he's been trying after noticing that I've really haven't been interested in him. I tell him we're just better as friends, he keeps pushing for more information so I do tell that I've kinda been talking and hanging out with someone else recently. He really wants to know who and if it's someone he knows already, I've just been trying to brush it off. I told Jon that i don't feel comfortable really telling much this early, when the reason is really i don't know how to tell him that i'm kinda dating his friend already. At least it seemed like a really bad situation to say that. I did say that we'll keep being friends like before and he goes offline(confession was after playing, so it was online confession). I've texted David about this since I'm not sure what to do about this, but now I'm having second thoughts that should I not have even texted him. Maybe it would've been better to keep it between Jon and me? I want to be honest, and maybe we need to come clean at one point about dating. I don't want Jon to be hurt all over again, since he wanted to keep some kind of hope between us.
Idk what's the right thing to do or go about this situation?
I don't want to be between them and I don't think I would even be able to do that, if i wanted to, but I don't want them to be not talking and just generally sulking about this to me or to each other.
No. 133741
>>133706It's pretty hard to find tbh. Even when I've been happy with the sex itself I've had the issue of the guys only being available when they dictate they're horny (you'd think men would be more flexible given we're meant to have the lower drive)
It's hard. Hard to know when they might be hiding a girlfriend.. hard to deal with one of you developing more feelings than the other. Schedules don't always match up and not all stds are prevented by condoms. I look back at all my fuck buddies and wonder why I bothered. Sex toys would've been better.
Lost my virginity to a one night stand though and no regrets. If you can get over the whole 'it must be special' rule that people attach to losing it. As a virgin you're more likely to get very attached to the guy tho so a once-off might be better than a fuck buddy.
No. 133748
>>133739I'm tired of thinking!
>>133741Thanks, anon. I don't think I'd want to lose it to a one-night stand because it'll most likely be terrible sex. Guess I'll just get a dildo then.
No. 133756
>>133741I've had similar experiences. The dudes still call the shots when they're available or it turns into a situation were you're scheduling dates and it's turning into a relationship. Half the time a vibrator would have saved a lot of trouble.
If you want to do fwb you're basically dating that person.
No. 133777
>>133706Be prepared to be disappointed regardless. The nature of men is to be inherently selfish so that even in "no strings attached" relationships, you'll find they often still expect you to jump through hoops and dance around their schedules as if you're their girlfriend. You basically become the free escort for as little effort on their end as possible.
Happened recently to me. I met this guy off a dating app with the intent to see if he'd be boyfriend material, only for him to turn out to not be. Except he was really into my body and we seemed chill otherwise, so I agreed to a fwb thinking it would be fun and games.You'd think a man would be content? Noooosire.
He got entitled real quick. For one thing he doesn't have his shit together. I initially thought, not my problem, I was only in it for the d and the validation, right? Well it seeped into our interactions in other ways. He started to flake on me, always claimed to be tight on gas money or energy when if he'd just get normal employment he wouldn't have to worry. Whenever I called him out for being rude or insensitive (I work too bitch) he'd throw blame back at me and came up with a billion excuses. He'd throw little mantrums at me, and hang up if I was blunt. He said I was "judgey." Like how dare I hold my time as valuable and get annoyed when he wasn't truthful to his word, eh?
After our last meetup I could tell he was searching for shit to get offended at and devalue me over. I think he was frustrated at me because I refused to drive out to him (lmao, all mad cause he couldn't order me to him like a god damn sex pizza!) He took innocuous things I said and made mountains out of molehills, like a teenage brat. He hasn't texted since and I don't really care at this point. I was pretty good to him in putting up with his bullshit and even ordering us both food out of goodwill when we'd hang out. He acted like keeping to his own schedule when he said he'd hang out with me and driving twenty minutes to my place was a huge burden. I think verbalizing my disappointment in him was the final blow to his ego and he didn't want to deal with me telling him he was shitty anymore.
In short–it's more hassle than it's worth. They'll discard you when their egos are placated or if you don't bend to their will.
No. 133791
>>133784Nta but I would meet guys for coffee first to vet them too and looking back it's kinda shitty how they often wouldn't even buy me a 3 euro coffee while trying to make an impression. They'd queue ahead of me and order seperately lol
I stopped seeing one guy cos he wanted to meet up to buy new condoms together so we could 'go halves' on them. I had bought the condoms we previously used.. When I replaced him with a new guy, that guy went shopping for lube and condoms himself and left them in my bedside drawer so we'd have a supply for months. Stuff like that isn't asking for much but it goes a long way.
No. 133819
>>133813uhhh that's super weird anon. masturbating is something totally different then sex and most people fo it to just relax and calm down.
i get the feeling that you've never masturbated before? anyway, chill out about it and let the man masturbate. it's nothing to get upset over.
No. 133833
Okay, I'm not sure if this is the best place to ask this, but I might lose my virginity to a stranger–direct me to the right thread if I'm off topic
Long story short, I posted on Reddit and a girl reached out to me. This is actually preferred, but I'm still super nervous. I don't know why I told her I'd have to think about it even though I came off as kinda desperate in my post.
Should I go through with it? I mean, the best scenario would be me losing it with someone who is also kinda new to sex so there's no real expectations this way or that. She said she was experienced so that would be the best way to learn the ins and outs, but I'm still so nervous.
I didn't think anyone would respond so quickly, so I guess I had to face the notion that I'd be intimate with someone. I don't love my body, but I didn't hate it until I thought about how I'd be sharing it with someone else. I mean, I'm chubby as all get out and I'm not particularly endowed (is that the right term?). I guess I just would want someone else to enjoy my body as much as I enjoy theirs.
Why am I so scared and should I go through with it?
I don't have a lot of friends to talk to IRL (and most people who know me don't know I'm a HUGE virgin)(Any posters with a phallus, do not come here for validation or to announce yourselves.)
No. 133837
>>133822Honestly, I don't care if my BF masturbates when I'm gone. That's cool, whatever. But we're oldfags and his sex drive is lower, so if he masturbated instead of having sex with me if sex with me WAS an option, I'd not be happy about that.
Logically I "get" that they are different acts, and I'm a hypocrite because to me its not a big deal but I know men's refractory periods mean that they can't fuck right away after cumming.
The cheating thing is a MUCH bigger issue though. The masturbating thing you could probably talk about and work out, but cheating and a history of tranny porn? Yeah, fucked up and I couldn't get over it either. I'd drop him for both of your sakes, really.
No. 133847
>>133813You're entitled to have the relationship you want, but you have to realize this guy probably can't give it to you. It can't be something you force or coerce someone into doing. Some people naturally stop masturbating when they get into serious relationships, if he is not one of those people you can't force him to be.
>>133819A guy will look at porn, fantasize about the girl, and get off to that. He is wasting his sexual energy on dumb bullshit because in the end he finds it too much work to be intimate with his partner and would rather jack off to other women.
"Yeah babe I jerked it to porn because being intimate requires pleasing you too and that's too much work" is totally what I want from a partner.
No. 133856
>>133822Masturbating is normal even when in a relationship imo. But his history of cheating and his choice of porn (face slapping
abusive shit) is enough of a reason for you to be deeply unhappy in this relationship. He sounds awful and you're living in fear of him cheating again. Why stay with him at this point?
No. 133862
>>133861True. New option OP, milk his prostate and take all the fun out of orgasming for him.
But for real, the cheating is what you'll never be able to overcome, and it was a noble effort to try and make the relationship work after that betrayal, but that is your true issue. Masturbating is, for you, tied into his past cheating. If all he was doing was masturbating, having regular sex with you in addition to that, and never strayed…I'd say its worth talking it out and trying to deal with his porn interests.
But the cheating is the heart of this issue, isn't it? Knowing he masturbated will always remind you of that, and if it wasn't masturbating, it'd probably be something else.
No. 133967
File: 1583730901185.jpg (64.84 KB, 900x900, angry_pepe.jpg)
the more i get to know my bf the more i realize i'm the stereotypical insensitive male type and he's more of the more sensitive feminine type (forgive me for these shitty sexist analogies but i'm just venting) and it's causing minor spats that make me want to pull my hair out
>bf keeps asking me questions i don't know the answer to
>"i really don't know"
>"well i was just trying to have a conversation i guess i'll shut up now :("
>wake up early and skip breakfast to help him move stuff
>gonna go out to grab a bite
>he takes a long time perusing all the different options but can't decide
>"we could just go to x restaurant hun, it's quick and i'm hungry"
>"i just want to go somewhere nice!"
>continues browsing for a while and gets upset that i don't have any other input
>take 5 steps by myself
>"i guess you don't want to hold my hand :("
reeeeeeeeeeeee he's so sweet but he's like a kicked puppy when i don't feel like i did anything help, we can't have adult conversations sometimes because he just gets upset
No. 133976
>>133967 > i guess i'll shut up now :( > i guess you don't want to hold my hand :(That's not being sensitive, that's passive aggressive. Plenty of stereotypical men do that shit too and there's nothing sensitive or feminine about it. It's aggression hiding under a thin veil.
He wants to guilt trip you into doing things. To use your frustration to get you to simply give in to him.
No. 134031
>>133994He's angry and emotionally
abusive and his bullshit story of 'my ex and family abused me by asking me questions' makes no sense and wouldn't even warrant this reaction if it were true. He's emotionally
abusive and feeding you a bs excuse as to why. You should not marry this man and things will only get worse if you stay with him.
No. 134037
>>133994please please PLEASE get out of that relationship. i mean it. this is
abusive as hell. my ex was exactly like that. i couldn't even ask her how her day was without her giving me the silent treatment for "expecting too much of her" or "not knowing that every day in her life is literal hell." forcing you to walk on egg shells like that is psychotic as fuck. she messed me up for good - we only dated for 9 months but she ruined me for the years to come and it took YEARS for me to feel like i wasn't "broken" enough anymore to consider another relationship. i don't know how old you are, but i was 19 when i was in that relationship and it was only when i was around 24/25 that i finally recovered from the shit she pulled on me. i think the fact that this was my fist serious relationship ever only added to the impact of her
abusive behavior, but even if this isn't your first partner in life: get out of there. you deserve better than this manbaby cunt. he just wants to break you, your mental health and your self esteem. don't let anyone do this to you. you sound like a smart girl and you realize that this shit isn't normal, so high tail the fuck out of there. ghost him. don't give him a chance to contact you ever again. i know from experience that people like that are absolutely crazy and will do anything to get their
victim back.
i'm sorry if this sounds super exaggerated or dramatizing as fuck, but
abusive partners are no joke.
No. 134042
>>134037 > he just wants to break you, your mental health and your self esteem > i'm sorry if this sounds super exaggerated or dramatizing as fuck, but abusive partners are no jokeNta but same story here. Silent treatment and 'how dare you bother me with questions" Being like that put all the power in his hands and I didn't realise just how miserable I was til I was living alone again..sweet relief! Similarly his excuse was "I only snap at you cos my ex was
abusive" Looking back he made that up.
Two years free of him and he still occupies about 90 percent of the bad dreams that I have. Those people fuck you up.
>>133994Leave. He's angry, verbally
abusive, uses the silent treatment to punish and will get ten times worse if your lock yourself into a marriage with him.
No. 134075
File: 1583926151921.jpg (29.45 KB, 320x220, confused-cat.jpg)
This may be long, this is my first time explaining this whole situation, thanks for bearing with me anons. (also forgive my potato english love u)
So I don't have the best of relationships with my mother-in-law. It's functional, but we're two different people, she does a lot of stuff I don't condone, she finds a lot of faults with me, but we've kinda learned to manoeuver around it and it's been rocky but survivable for the past year.
One of the things I have a real problem with, is that she lets me have no privacy/space, completely disregarding what i feel about it. For one year she's kept complaining about me not calling her often enough (for her, enough is daily. DAILY. I don't even call my parents that often), and when i tell her i'm not the phone conversation type and we could maybe keep in touch via text that frequently with calls every few days, she loses her shit. She tells me to my face that she sees it as a sign that i don't respect or love her. (i can't make this shit up)
So last month, my husband and I were on vacation for 10 days and we hadn't taken one in a really long time. Now my MIL always insists on calling and texting every few hours when we are on vacation and it pisses me off a lot, especially when i'm trying to destress/unwind and instead have to put up with her demands of "what's it like? what are you doing? video call and show me what your stay is like". She did this on our honeymoon (literally woman wtf), she does that every time we even go out of town or for a resort staycation, it's really intrusive and telling her doesn't make a difference.
So this time when she called, I refused to pick up twice, and the third time, I told her that I was really looking forward to take it easy and phone calls don't let me feel completely relaxed. She completely lost her shit, saying stuff like "oh this is how it is. You're always too busy for me. Fine whatever, you can live your life as you want" and hangs up. I'm like okay? See if i care lmao i'm done with this high school shit.
My husband didn't really have a reaction, he grew up with this woman around and he knows the kind of emotional manipulation she's used to doing, to get her way. He said that he understood my side of things, and to let it go, so we let it go. (bless this man)
For the whole of february, I didn't talk to her on the phone. I texted her for a couple of days to which she didn't respond, so i stopped. We sent flowers on his parents' wedding anniversary, and called to wish his father, which he really appreciated. When we called her, she threw a tantrum on the phone, screaming and crying while saying "you think i really care for this stuff? I know you don't love me or care for me, so stop these gestures". I felt bad about this, but then let it go because i thought there was nothing to do if she didn't want to talk.
For the remainder of the past month of course my husband has been in touch with his parents, as is regular, and his mother talks to him normally without bringing me up. I'm all cool with this, I just don't talk to her. However, yesterday, she called him up and demanded to talk to me. (you could just have called me up, i have a phone too) When he gave me his phone, she was all kinds of syrupy and cloying, and what she said felt like it was purposefully selected to piss me off. She said that it was okay if we fight every once in a while, but i should let go of my ego and apologize because it's not a great attitude to have. There's no way she's going to leave my life, as long as i'm married to her son, so I should learn to apologize.
I'm so proud of myself for not giving in to bait. I laughed for a minute, then apologized deeply for not calling, and promised to talk to her more often. That was apparently not expected/sufficient because she started crying on the phone again. Then she hung up.
Any advice anons? I've been looking at ways to deal with narcissists (the grey rock method really appeals to me) for the past couple weeks and I'll appreciate any help/insight you guys could provide.
No. 134079
>>134075this is probably never going to change unless your husband backs you up, and you both set very clear boundaries with her. the SAME boundaries.
people who are enmeshed like this don't stop of their own accord. she's still getting what she wants (unchanged relationship with son, unlimited attempts to control you too).
unless cutting contact is 100% for real on the table, and boundaries are firm, she'll keep doing it and probably push even harder over time. right now the ball's in her court and she clearly knows it.
No. 134080
>>134075Well she sounds like a certified psycho, anon. Not being funny, but you have little to no requirement to be close to this woman if you do not want to be, but she seems like the type of person who if you ignored her, she would do her utmost to get between you and your husband. It's up to you at the end of the day, as while she is saying she wants a relationship with you, she seems to be doing her damnedest to make it VERY difficult for you to want to reciprocate. She sounds neurotic and desperate for attention, so you can either give her that attention at the risk of your sanity, or you can lay down the law with her and make her understand she needs to respect your boundaries and in turn you will respect hers. There needs to be some middle ground between you both where you can both be comfortable instead of pulling in different directions and battling for control.
Though I am completely on your side and 100% agree that she should be listening to your pleas to be left alone while on holiday. She sounds like hard work. Check out the narcissist forums on Reddit. They seem very useful for people in your situation. Best to cut this situation short as well before she starts invading your life!
No. 134082
Thank you guys for the support, i feel less lost/pissed!
>>134079It's a cultural thing, and i hate this completely, but cutting ties with parents/in-laws is kinda impossible where i come from. I still try my best to limit the interaction i have with her, it's exhausting enough to get through phone calls and I
really value my time and the things i gotta do routinely.
I agree with you about her knowing the ball's in her court, though. The cat-in-cream attitude she has makes it plain. Her leverage is that although I have a really short temper when it comes to insufferable people, she knows don't want to hurt my husband with my behavior.
>>134080The problem with her is that she doesn't understand the concept of boundaries. I agree with you when you say i need to lay down the law – it's just that the one time i
tried, she positively RAN to my husband and started bawling in a way that really tore at him, i could see. She does this, she manipulates and bosses, and when neither work she cries and pretends to be a patient of depression. It's amazing to watch, i just wish it wasn't happening in my life lol
I'll check the reddit forums out, anon. Thanks for the support and suggestions, i really appreciate this!
>>134081I'm howling anon how the fuck did you guess? Please tell me it was the unbearable neurosis. Or are you indian and know this type too well for comfort?
No. 134159
File: 1584041016886.png (239.24 KB, 465x707, 3242342.PNG)
>>133967ok same anon and i dumped his ass
even though i spend like 10 hours with him most days of the week he was really jealous. straw that broke the camel's back was that
he was jealous i stayed up last night to record music instead of… instead of what, sleeping on mic or something?
he didn't like my friends and he got jealous of my hobbies because they took what little time i had to myself away from him. when i said that it's okay for me to have hobbies he told me to "stop being a
victim for once" and called me weak and selfish. breh. i was going to talk it out but insulting me? really?
bye bitch nobody calls me weak.
No. 134171
>>134075This an Indian mother? I'm also Indian, and bullshit from my paternal grandmother wore down my mother. My dad was a little bitch and never defended her against his family. I really hope you can nip this in the bud.
Your husband needs to fucking stop being a momma's boy as well as a doormat, and be the main one to deal with this. It's his mother. If he knows how manipulative she is, then he should be taking the brunt of her shit defending you.
I don't have much real advice, except I think only after drastic measures will parents try to reconcile. A family friend's son married a girl of a different ethnicity, and his father was totally against it. But when the wedding came around, he still attended.
No. 134232
Would incompatible schedules be reasonable grounds for breakup?
My SO has a job that has him working a highly erratic schedule, often at night. It's a physically demanding job, but he's also very much an undeniable drama queen who chooses to sleep for 12 hours a day. We live together, but we usually don't spend much quality time together. He goes to sleep an hour after arriving at home, and when he wakes up he spends his time lamenting his job and dicking around on the internet. Needless to say, we rarely have sex. This used to be a massive issue for me, but I got tired of the arguments surrounding it, so I just don't even ask anymore and take care of my needs on my own. At least I know he isn't just keeping me around for easy access to pussy.
He's not qualified for any other jobs, so he either has to stay with his current job or work a minimum wage slavelabor job, which he's said he doesn't want to do. He doesn't have the means or desire to go back to school and pursue a white collar career. The situation is further complicated in that I'm currently out of work, so he is heavily supporting me while I'm in between jobs. Previously, we were splitting things 50/50 or I was spotting him while he was out of work. I do really appreciate his financial help, but it it's as much about returning the favor as it is good will. We both have put in a huge amount of money, time, effort and emotional labor to live together, but, nonetheless, I wonder if we may have made a mistake.
Would it be cold of me to end things once I have a steady job? The apartment is mine, so if we broke up, he would have to move (most likely hundreds of miles away). I think he really cares about me, but I find it hard to feel attracted to him when we spend so little quality time together. He insists things will be better once I'm working, but It's difficult to picture a future together in which the playing field is level. I'm on the cusp of moving up in my career, while he only has his current job because of my own family member. He's a sweet person, but also flakey and unambitious. Ideally, I would love for him to save up and make an informed decision regarding his future without me, but it feels impossible to do so without creating a painful period in which we intend on splitting but are still living together. While I do find myself feeling resentful of him and his negative qualities, I also do really only wish him the best and wouldn't want to make the process more unnecessarily cruel than it already seems.
No. 134234
>>134231When did you find out your boyfriend cheated on you? You say that it happened within the first month of your relationship, but you've been together for years. Did he tell you recently? Or have you known for years, and have felt like shit this entire time? Either way, there's no justifying what he did to you. What the fuck is he doing cheating on you within the first month of your relationship? Any type of cheating is an automatic cancel for me personally, no matter what stage of the relationship it is. Based on what you've said and what you have been going through, no relationship is salvageable that puts you through that kind of pain. No dude will ever be worth that shit.
As far as cheating in relationships and moving on together, my parents both cheated on each other in their early 20s, within 5ish years of their relationship. I'm pretty sure my dad started it, and it was a messy time in their lives, but had they not moved on from it, my sister wouldn't of been born. They were together for 25 years after, and never had a problem with cheating again. It really depends on the couple, and their principals. I don't think someone who values loyalty and serious commitment from one person that they love should have to compromise on accepting and trying to resolve cheating. If it hurts you, then it hurts. There's no ignoring that, and you shouldn't have to feel like shit for something that you did not do, and didn't have any control over. You don't deserve that anon. I am rambling, but I feel very strongly about this. I'm sorry you are going through this in your life, and I hope you come up with a solution that brings you less pain. You are worth it!!!
No. 134242
>>134240Calm down Satan.
I think breaking up is a perfectly reasonable chice here. You don't seem to get what you need from this relationship, and you shouldn't feel guilty for moving away from it (mentally, not physically.)
What your partner choses to do for work is his own business. What he choses to do after work is his own business. He chooses not to put any effort into your relationship, so he has made his bed and now it is time to lie in it for 12 hours a day.
No. 134303
File: 1584303802071.png (242.73 KB, 800x800, 1583740244073.png)
Looking for advice regarding a past relationship. I had a very messy breakup in the fall of 2018, but continued sleeping with my ex occasionally (including a two day road trip) until July of 2019.
Only of last week I found his new girlfriends profile and they were together since November of 2018 - meaning he was cheating on her with me for a decent amount of time during their relationship.
I have a lot of guilt surrounding this topic and I can't help but feel that I should tell her. I have receipts of the trip, including Google maps data and a photo of him during the trip, multiple messages confirming it happened, etc.
Thoughts? Ideas? Does she deserve to know?
No. 134325
>>134320You did the right thing.
The risk of a partner killing you during an assault after strangulation has occurred increases three fold.
Be kind to yourself and (from experience) reach out for help sooner rather than later - speaking time someone professionally will help you develop the coping skills you’ll need as you become further removed from situation.
I went through what you did and didn’t press charges and regret it every day. Lean on your friends and family when and where you have to - chances are they’ve known something is off for longer than it took for any of this to happen and they want to help you now more than ever.
Good luck, anon
No. 134326
File: 1584328619152.jpeg (265.79 KB, 1024x1024, 0F1504FF-4DD7-4BA0-85C2-5CACE9…)
So, I’m in my first relationship and also don’t have friends so I don’t really know what’s normal in relationships and what’s not.
My bf is always watching porn or looking at insta-hoes or just looking at lewd pictures of women in general. And he does this while I’m home, just in a different room. It’s making me feel so bad about myself. I wouldn’t mind if he does it when I’m not home but I’m on maternity leave right now so I’m always home.
I’ve talked to him about it before (lol I got drunk and looked through his phone and then woke him up in the middle of the night to talk about it basically), but nothing has really changed. He’s said “omg I’m not doing anything wrong, all guys do it, i just like jacking off, etc”. But idk, I cry myself to sleep every night wondering what’s wrong with me lol. We haven’t even had sex in a month but I’ll walk by him and I’ll see that he’s looking at pictures of women on Facebook or Instagram.
Is it fair to ask if he just stops looking at this stuff while I’m there? Or is that controlling? What do I say when he says “I’m not doing anything wrong” and when he says “all guys do it”
(I can’t leave coz we have a 3 month old baby, I’m about to quit my job after maternity leave is over, and I have no self worth lol)
No. 134333
>>134320you feel guilty because humans develop an attachment to whatever they feel is worthy of affection/time. you feel guilty because you decided to love someone and it's not a switch you can turn off whenever you want.
understanding the simplicity of guilt, is key in moving on from it. please don't blame yourself for whatever happened. you've gone through so much, and you're a survivor who makes me proud. you were brave enough to live through the pain, and to get yourself out of the situation.
i'm so sorry you had to go through this, i hope you have friends and family you can rely on and vent to them. if you don't want to vent to people you know, just type away over here. vent as much as you need, get all the help you can. you'll rise stronger out of this, anons believe in you.
good luck my girl!
No. 134342
>>134326Doing it to this extent and openly doing it in front of you is not normal at all. Do nearly all men watch porn or check out pics in private? Yes. Not openly.
It's a lack of respect that has him doing this in front of you. Most men know to not flaunt that shit in their partners face. Also who the fuck even has time for porn with a newborn in the house??
Don't quit that job girl, this man is not going to stick around in the long run.
No. 134351
>>134341Just a short note from an ex-piercer.
Nipples will be out of action for at least 3-6 months while they initially heal, and probably like a year until they are fully settled. A PA piercing (assuming that's what you mean by a 'dick piercing') take between 4-8 weeks to heal, so that is approximately 1 to 2 months of NO sex. None. Nothing. Obviously it is up to him to decide to do this, but him having his dick pierced will mean you will have to change the logistics to your sex initially until you have found a way of using it so that it doesn't hurt him or yourself, more importantly. A lot of women claim not to feel much of a difference, and there's talk of it creating false sensation through the mere thought of being fucked with a pierced penis. But then there are those who can feel it and dislike it. So there's not much I can say really regarding that. You will just have to try it on for size and see how you feel. I got a VCH a year or 2 into my relationship and I ended up taking it out because it clashed with my boyfriend's tongue piercing and it always got in the way during sex. It lasted 2 months tops. Just give it a go and then take it from there, anon!
No. 134357
>>134326Enjoy your future of him framing everything wrong he does as your fault. I can imagine nothing will change after the baby is born, things will be more difficult.
I'm sorry but a child with this loser is going to bog you down so badly. Prepare yourself. He won't change.
No. 134434
>>134324>>134325>>134333Safehouse Anon here, I appreciated the responses. I've decided to stick with my decision of keeping my ex where he is, because he needs to know he can't do that people. My feelings will subside and I hope he won't hurt another person and that he'll be rightfully punished.
I've opened up to the women here and I feel secure, safe, relaxed.
If any anons are going through abuse, escape and find a safehouse. I'm so grateful for these services. It was worth leaving.
No. 134466
Recently something finally moved between me and this guy I'm hanging out with. We cuddled, I stayed the night, we kissed… (no sex, mind you)
We didn't talk about feelings, but damn he seems so much into me. I would open my eyes and catch him looking at me with a gentle smile… or he'd hug into me like he's so happy to finally hold me. He's also very caring and already "playing boyfriend", I think he's serious about it all.
The thing is, I don't seem to feel the same…? It's so frustrating. I thought I'm ace/aro for a long time, but it didn't really feel right. But now I'm not so sure again; it was so nice and relaxing to cuddle, and you know, before that I'd think about him, imagine stuff, basically had a crush on him. But now I am… unimpressed. The kissing didn't feel "hot", it was just a thing I was doing. He was so excited I had to stay, and I was bothered I missed the train. Now with the virus we won't be able to see each other for some time, he's sad and I'm okay with it, finally a break from society in my hometown. It'd be nice to hang out, but I don't feel any big need to see him.
I don't know, I really like him as a person, and at the same time I'm feeling so distant. I feel like some disgusting male who finally got the girl, completed the chase and now he's uinterested.
Tbh I have 0 experience, is it normal to feel like this? Maybe it's anxiety, I don't know. I'm a very anxious person and maybe it's a bit too much for me, so I detached myself from those feelings?
I know my one friend got with her bf when she wasn't in love with him, and now they genuinely love each other a lot. Can anyone confirm if it's normal lol. Maybe it's my naivety speaking, and it's idealistic to believe people who get together are always in love from the beginning, and what I experience is normal. I honestly don't know.
No. 134467
>>134448I have generalised anxiety so I relate to his struggle but I've learnt that you can't be annoyed at someone for not equally sharing your anxieties. It does sound like he's dealing with his feelings by simply laying it all on you like "well you should be freaking out more"
> I kind of feel like something's wrong with me No, you two feel differently, that doesn't make you wrong at all.
People prone to anxiety have to learn how to self soothe and regulate ourselves without taking it out on the ones closest to us.
No. 134471
>>134467I think you misread what anon said.
She's saying that
she feels like she isn't taking it seriously enough. She didn't mention her boyfriend telling her to take it more seriously, I don't get how you could infer that from her post.
No. 134473
>>134472No worries. Again, I wouldn't really infer that he's actively getting annoyed at her she's just assuming he is since she's annoyed at him.
>>134448I'm kind of in the same situation right now because my fiance is taking things super seriously since he is from Hong Kong and had to deal with all the other outbreaks over there. I don't think freaking out will help, but you can't really change that he's freaking out, but of course it's annoying, but it'd be more annoying if you got sick. Just focus on doing hobbies and stuff. I'm learning how to make flowers out of shrink film so I have something to do.
No. 134499
>>134489That's pretty perceptive, thanks.
Well, he's probably the first "real" man I actually felt physically attracted to (before, I would only thirst after people I barely know with 0 chance of actual pursuit or celebs/fictional people).
But now I'm not sure if it was about him or just the general horniness.
Now when you said it, I remember I had few thoughts recently about how he's not as cute as I thought. And I've found him good-looking before. That's a sad realization, finally someone into me, my type, a good wholesome person to add, and I still can't feel the attraction properly… If not him, then idk whom.
You gave me something to think about, but I still don't cross out me just being retarded and distancing myself out of fear/anxiety, so I won't reject him or anything. I'll see how I feel when we meet in few weeks. Also I might not have another chance to lose my V-card with someone I trust lol.
I just hope I won't hurt him in the end
No. 134586
>>134585Anon you deserve much better than a guy who lied/played with your feelings just so he could get his rocks off for a night.
I’ve been in the same situation, so I know that words won’t make you feel much better right now. But, trust me, you dodged a bullet. You’ll know it once you come out on the other side of this.
No. 134590
>>1345881. He doesn’t know what he wants
2. Despite not knowing what he wants, he’s willing to hurt you badly by acting like this is what he wants
3. He’s blindsided by sex
You’re hurting and want nothing more than for him to contact you and say he wants to try again. But even if he did that, he would pull this again, act cold again, and you’re better than that. You’ll be much better without him.
No. 134600
So, I've already posted the whereabouts of my past relationship with my ex in this thread :
>>>/g/62165 and I'm anon
>>133211 (end of the thread)
But in short, he messaged me yesterday, despite blocking me (and I blocked him after). Here's what he sent me :
"Hi. I don't wanna look like a stalker, but this account was created especially to send you this message. Once you've read it, and/or maybe if you reply, I will delete it.
What happened between us is unfortunate. If we had felt it coming, we would've remained very good friends, but we couldn't know what would happen. We were both stupid, but we always had good times together. I don't regret knowing you, I only regret that you couldn't see above my mistakes, when I saw above yours.
But everyone has to do the best for themselves, and I understand the choice you've made. But I often think about you, and I don't want you to think that I hate you, or that you develop an increased distrust of men because of me. And if you don't care, it's fine. I only wish that you can move on peacefuly.
These are the things that I wanted to tell you a few days after our last conversation, but I thought that I would get past this. In any case, I wish you the best, hoping that you will take care of yourself in these difficult times, and know that if I can help you at some point in your life, I will not hesitate. You may be skeptical about what I'm saying, but it's just that when you face death directly or indirectly, and you see the repercussions on those around you, we can't afford to kill people in our hearts. (His besfriend's father passed away 2 month ago, he was a little close with him) What I only choose to keep about us, is our good memories of us together. Bye."
I didn't reply and I blocked him. I… Maybe I shouldn't have? Maybe I shoudl've at least replied to him? But… I couldn't help but feel midly upset at this message. The end of the message was really good, but because of what the said in the beginning, it doesn't feel genuine at all.
Like dude, you insutled me, threatened me, framed me, gaslit me, how are we even the same??? Expecting me to forgive him that easily for being a colossal asshole?! We are not the fucking same. I've never tried to purposefuly hurt him, never gaslit him nor insulted him, or belittled him. I've been acting like a whole cuck while trusting him about his bestriend whom he was still crushing on, forcing myself not to be jealous. When we broke up, he got jealous at the idea that I could be seeing other men, meanwhile he banged his bestfriend one week after the break up, and went out with her? (dunno if they're still a thing) I feel like his subtly trying to guilt trip me like : "Bohooo look at how nice I am for forgiving you for hurting me by breaking up, and not being a perfect human being, why can't you do the fucking same to me for being a cunt ass little bitch and trying to destroy your self-confidence?" So entilted. I have all the right to forgive him or never forgive him for that matter.
I dunno but the guilt-tripping, and then all this syrupy-talking about how he wishes me well in these hard times, that I can move ( I HAVE moved on, but apparently you haven't) seems manipulative as hell. "We were both dumb" He's acting like the fact that I cut all contacts with him is both our fault, and totally not because he acted like a sour cunt. He's partially rejecting the fault on me, and refuses to take full accountability. Or if he's talking about the whole relationship, I've broken up because he wasn't financially stable, short -tempered, possesive, irrationnally jealous and self-centered, how is it also my fault? I am well aware that I'm not perfect, I have my flaws too, and I did some mistakes…. But he's always been saying that I WAS the problem for breaking up. Because I couldn't accept his flaws.
"I don't want you to think that I hate you" Nigga, why would I care??? Why is he worried that I think that he hates me, and not about the fact I COULD hate him… I don't even care if he hates me, I- Uh. Whatever.
I'm sorry for this long ass post, I really needed to get all this frustration out of my chest. I also feel a little like and asshole for blocking him without even replying, but I'm so frustrated. Why do you think about this? Should I unblock him and at least reply?
(Sorry if there's any grammatical mistakes)