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I just need to know if I'm crazy anons, did I read too much into this?
A little over a month ago, a guy at my work on an adjacent team started talking to me over our work messenger. He initiated every conversation, sometimes I wouldn't respond, etc, but he would still message me here and there and soon I was replying more and more and we became sorta pals. Then he added me on social media and we talked even more, soon it was everyday. All through work, literally from 8am until maybe 11 or 12 at night. During this time we'd never met in person since we're WFH.
Sometimes we'd sort of psedou-flirt? Maybe not with each other entirely, but we'd have some sort of goofy NSFW conversations and jokes. He'd also just ask me about myself, my hobbies, my feelings, my day, anything. I really started to develop a huge crush on him anons, and it felt like we were both excited to meet.
This past week we finally both started working in person and sit next to each other, and it feels like immediately we talk less. We talk in person and joke sometimes, and have done some little dumb flirty?? stuff like kick each others feet under our desk, or one day we walked to get our lunches together, but I miss talking to him every day. I immediately can't tell anymore if he's interested or not, it feels so different and I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.
Like, this morning he almost immediately messaged me to have a nice day (remembering that I was working a rare Saturday) but then never replied after I messaged back?
I can't relax when I'm around him in the office, he makes me so nervous and I think half of it is just because I can't tell if we're just friends and he's just an actually nice guy, or if he was/is interested? I have no idea how to just fucking be cool around him and I already feel stupid for letting myself develop feelings for him, and that I thought that he might've returned them. I can't tell if I already ruined things by acting like some nervous asshole in person, or if maybe I let him down when he saw me. I can't tell if I should fess up and just be honest with him, or let things play out? I have no idea how to act anons.
I'm only used to developing feelings for guys who like, I meet on some dating app and we already know the purpose of us talking, so we don't need to fuck around feeling each other out. I'm not used to someone actually developing a friendship with me and I'm too stupid to tell if it's because he likes/liked me, or maybe he's just genuinely a nice guy who wants friends. Either way I just feel so stupid and embarrassed that I let myself get attached to this guy and let him into my routine. Did I read something wrong? Do I tell him how I felt and possibly make things miserable and awkward at work when he tells me I misinterpreted everything?
Oh no anon… It's definitely a bad sign then. Knowing what you've said in your previous post - that the girl who told you that he said you're FWB/casual is his friend, it seems like it's a very likely scenario that despite being his friend she was concerned for you potentially being in the dark about how he views your relationship at the time. Of course there's always a possibility that she was trying to mess things up between you two but did she ever do anything else that would confirm that? Not to mention your boyfriend's reaction now is worrisome.
Ultimately, this is still a thing in the past. If currently everything is fine between you two and you don't have any other complains otherwise, maybe you can let this be and not probe any further, since it has no direct influence on your life right now. But it may be that it will weight on you too much to continue. There's no straightforward answer and I'm not a person to immediately suggests breakups for every relationship issue, hardly anyone is ever perfect and feelings change. You'll need to trust your gut here. Even if the thing is in the past and trying to have your boyfriend shed more light on it may be futile, you should still let him know how it makes you feel and what kind of support from him is needed right now.
My question is are there any guys who don't play games when texting? Is it possible to get together with someone without having to time your messages and seem only the right amount of interested?
I often see anons telling people not to start a relationship with games but holy shit every man starts out interested and than it fizzles out when I start liking them and text them similarly and plan a meet up (after they planned it like three or four times before me). The guys that I'm not interested in and don't put any care into texting are obsessed and keep on trying so much to get with me.
Did any of you get with your bfs without having to play cold? >>230542
It took me around 9 months after an almost 3 year relationship.
For me it never took that long because after my previous relationships I realized that my ex partners were absolute assholes (+ the relationships weren't that long and I never lived together with anyone). It might take you longer BECAUSE of the pandemic maybe? It makes most people feel more lonely so it's only natural to be missing an ex/… even more right now.
Take your time, it's different for everyone
Now I need an advice. Yesterday while tidying up at my bf's house (we don't live together yet) I found a box with a woman's underwear, presumably from his ex (I know for sure that he can't be having an affair tho). Now idk what to do. As this house is extremely messy (elderly relatives collecting stuff in every room) I'd give him the benefit of the doubt cause I often find old stuff he or his relatives don't even remember, and I've been using an old shirt of his ex as a cleaning rag as well.
But panties are another story. Should I talk to him about it right now or when I'm home again? Also thought about putting a note inside the box to see wether he actually looks at it but idk.
Thank you nona! That’s very sweet and reassuring to hear so thank you for cheering me up ! We spent almost everyday together for almost two years with plans to move in and the breakup was done over text so I never got the closure I thought we deserved to have, especially since I thought we were adults about stuff lol
That said, oh no nona I’m sorry to hear that, do you mind me asking how you felt when you saw that?
Also how is your communication with your partner? Like do you think they’ll be okay to have a conversation about it?
It could be they might have forgotten about it but also holding onto something like that, I can totally understand you feeling some type of way about it.
Honestly I would talk about it but try to find a way to approach it so it can be like a calm discussion.
How are you feeling though? Would you be okay talking about it right away or do you need time to gather your thoughts about it ?
You should take a picture of the underwear as it is inside the box right now.
If you come back later and find that the underwear has been moved or rearranged compared to the pic then you know he's been looking at it or whatever he's doing. I wouldn't put a note personally, it's too obvious.
It could very well just be old underwear that someone forgot to move but it's also not absurd that he might have kept it on purpose.
I felt like absolute shit lol although I still don't knos if he kept them on purpose or not. Took a picture now and will think about it until tomorrow whether I'll confront him now or (in case it's necessary) next time I'm here. Depends on how I sleep tonight, I'm bad at keeping quiet about stuff like this tho.
I have a really nice boyfriend but I'm so insecure about the things he likes sexually that I don't care for. He doesn't want me to do anything I don't like and he doesn't pressure me. But it bothers me so much. I feel like he'd rather be with someone else. I don't like saying "Daddy" in a sexual connotation because of my past, and it grosses me out he would like that (however, he says he does not want me calling him that because I'm uncomfortable with it). He also likes stuff like cat ears and tails and that's not something I'm opposed to, but it feels so goofy to me. I feel so limp and boring sexually. I'm just a person that needs it a lot. It makes me insecure that as vanilla overall as my boyfriend is, it's still something I have to deal with. He doesn't really care for cute lingerie, which I had a lot of before I met him and I still like. I just feel so bored and pathetic sexually. My other problem is that I'm so sensitive, like 1 "weird' thing I like is the tops of my feet touches, but I cannot handle my toes or any other part of my feet being touched because it's too much stimulation. It's the same thing with being eaten out, I can't stand it and I've never liked it. Him grazing his finger tip near that area is enough to cause a kneejerk reaction from me. I pretty much only like piv and the humiliation of being boring is getting to me. I feel fucking lame. I don't know how to get rid of this complex. It doesn't help that my vagina rips up his penis because it clenches. I am a wreck sexually and idk how to fix it. The drive is there, and if anything I'm demanding of him in that respect, but I'm boring
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It's almost been 2,5 years now, the same time we were together. I do not honestly know if I ever get over her. I already have a new relationship, but I still dream about her multiple times a week. Still hursts like a bitch. I have been trying to accept I will never get her back or see her again, sometimes it works, most times not.>>230545
My first boyfriend had a bag like that. It was full of his mothers underwear he stole, and dressed up in. He also said he used to borrow his mothers dildo as a teen. We had huge fights, he promised he quits but never did (not really fair of me to demand that either but I was 16-17). I found them again and again, and selfies of him in a wig, sex toys and HUGE heels as the years went on. We did end up breaking up, that being one of the reasons.
You're allowed to think whatever he's interested in is cringe, I personally think any grown man who is into daddy stuff and cat ears has problems but whatever…>I would like a boring person to have sex with who makes me feel desired
There's nothing Pick Me about this or anything you just said there. You want to feel desired and wanted, if you feel like his 'kinks' are getting in the way of it even if he's not pushing it on you, then you should talk to him about it and you two should try and find something that you'd both enjoy.
Please don't ever get to the point where you feel like you have to perform, or fake things, or get into certain kinks or aspects of sex because you feel 'boring'. If you feel like you need to do any of that in the future then it's probably not the right relationship for you and you need someone who has similar sexual interests to you.
Being a "pick me" would be like you saying you are much better than the other femuls since you cater to his every need uwu
It is sad but many many relationships end due to sexual incompabilities. It's a perfectly valid
reason to break up if it does bother you both.
I'm scared to talk about what we enjoy because I'm insecure and I feel like I'll just learn something I don't care about. He asks me what I enjoy; I am boring. I don't enjoy anything, just piv, consistency, and a regular sex scheduled of 1x a day (more is appreciated).
Maybe this is related, but I don't even get off because of sex, I have to imagine pictures in my head, and I'm sick of what I imagine. I usually imagine guys objectifying girls and it is old for me, medfet stuff, and I don't find actually pleasure in it, it grosses me out and I get off to it. I am feeling tired of sex because of it. I don't think I've ever had sex for the right reasons, its purpose has been to fill a void and make me feel important for a bit, though usually I don't even feel desired. >>230686
It sucks because every other guy I've been with couldn't keep up with how often I wanted sex, but they also were way kinkier. It is hard to get a guy who wants to have sex every day.
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I am not sure how to help you but I just want to give you a hug anon. I seems like you have been through some shit.
ok ladies please help. I have been going out with this guy (we are at 5 dates rn) and I feel like we are very compatible: we have the same career & academic interests [both undergrad students] and have so much in common its sometimes crazy. (Shoutout to my fellow "problematic" leftists who hate but are dependent on the military-industrial complex.) We've had a great time every time we've gone out & talked for hours about pretty much everything (he's also paid for most of the dates & we've split the check the other times).
BUT BUT BUT. On our third date we went out for drinks and he drove me home, I kinda did the whole "maybe we should kiss" thing and we did (i initiated) but he seemed super taken aback, def not enthusiastic at all. and then the next day I apologized via text if I came off too strong bc obviously consent is important w/ever and he replied by saying "haha i think we both had quite a bit to drink." Which, hmm, ok, who doesn't want to kiss but whatever. But then after our most recent date he also drove me back, asked me if he could walk me to my door, did, and then (because I had decided HE needed to initiate the next kiss) we kinda stood there awkwardly as I waited. And then we hugged. & then later, probably a mistake, i texted saying "yknow i had a good time tonight. don't worry about being awkward, i don't bite" and that was it! and then he texted back saying he's still figuring some things out. Which I don't even care about "making things official." I just want to know what's up.
So we're talking tomorrow. Dear ladies of the milk PLEASE HELP, I have always had success in being the more assertive person in terms of physical contact bc guys have tended to like that. So what do you all think is going on? He seems so interested in person (genuinely as a person, not sexually necessarily) but takes like 12 hrs to respond to texts. Is the horny part of my brain controlling me? What do??
This post is delusional.>>230389
Sounds very much like he has at least some interest in you. Of course it's never CERTAIN but it seems likely.
Why are you so keen on this guy who doesn't even want to kiss you? That'd be an irredeemable turn off to me, and humiliating too. If he's not enthusiastic about hooking up, it's not happening.
I mean there are a lot of possible reasons why and none of them are conducive to a healthy relationship. Maybe he likes your personality but isn't attracted to you, maybe he's gay and in denial, maybe he's asexual and will never want you, maybe he's traumatized and not ready yet, maybe he's religious and thinks it's too fast, maybe he's extremely awkward about sex. Either way you should back off and make him put in the work to prove he is attracted to you, you've put yourself out there and he has to match your energy.
That's really weird that he doesn't want to kiss you. Any guy who's into you would be proud to jump your bones let alone kiss you. AS Blanche Deveraux wisely said, "The man's a man."
Sounds to me like he's not attracted to you whether that's personality wise or not. Move on.>>231221
Eh. Yeah I doubt this. You ever been on a date anon?
Very few scrotes like to take things easy, especially if they are really into a girl. It's possible, just extremely unlikely that's the case rather than the more obvious explanation (the standard 'he's just not that into you').
Anon doesn't have to immediately ghost him or anything but she needs to stop pursuing him and let him make the moves. If he doesn't, she'll have her answer. But if she keeps pushing with the blind assumption that he's just taking it slow she'll potentially railroad a passive, disinterested man into sex he doesn't particularly want or a relationship he tolerates for convenience.
Its not extremely unlikely. Playing cat and mouse won't help either. Anon's origonal problem is basically her trying to be on the same page with the guy but they're both awkward asf. >>230715
Again, its still early in the dating phase. Taking things slow is cool no matter if you or your man initiates it. Don't be so hung up on the fact that he isn't trying to fuck you asap don't place a worth on the sexual gratification you could potentially offer. The fact that he is unironically like no other dude you've been with means that you finally have a good change of pace. Worst is he's playing you but at least you didn't give him cooch. winwin situation in my op
The cats kinda already out of the bag though; we’re talking tomorrow in the context of our last comms being me: “I don’t bite” him: “I love being around you/seeing you makes me happy/still figuring some stuff out/need some time ” me: “if you’d like we can talk about it”
Update! I let him do pretty much all the talking and it seems that the main issue was him "getting out of" a 6-month relationship about 6 weeks ago. Based on the timeline it seems like he asked me out about a week after that relationship ended, which is not super! So I told him I'm not interested in being in someone else's shadow/only interested in someone who will match my energy, which he seemed to understand.
He apologized (and seemed genuinely apologetic). So I'm tentatively optimistic? Still not going to let my guard down but I communicated what I want from him and his explanation seems plausible so I'll let him continue pursuing, I think. Thanks again everybody for the advice!
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This will be the most cliché thing ever, brace yourselves, also, english is not my first language.
I really love my boyfriend, we've friends since childhood and we've been together for almost 3 years now, but I don't think I've ever felt sexually attracted to him. Sure, he's kinda cute, there's some spark of attraction now and then but most of the time it's not there. It's not only his appearance but his breath is really bad even tho he's very hygienic, and because I'm a coward I only brought that up once very indirectly, I don't think there's something he can do about it anyway (the air that comes out of his nose is equally as bad, so I doubt it's something about his mouth).
Anyway, today I told him that I don't really enjoy sex to the fullest and that maybe it's because I can't see him sexually, we had the same conversation a year ago and we decided to keep going, but things haven't changed too much since then.
Today he told me we should take a break for me to think about it, but if I decided to change something the only thing that comes to my mind is breaking up, I don't know if there are other solutions that I'm not seeing.
I really love this guy, I know that if we ever broke up we would still be friends, but how tf do I resist the urge to cuddle with him? He's also the only person I've ever slept with so I'm not sure if sex would be better with other men even if they were closer to my type, and even if sex were better, forming a new bond sounds alien to me considering the only people I currently talk to have been my friends since I'm 11, I doubt I could love and care for someone as much as I do with my bf. If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it, again I'm sorry if this sounds stupid.
As somebody who never gets male attention either there's nothing you can really say, she needs to work on herself, I used to get really upset when I learned about my friends' dating stories, until I self-reflected on my femcel status and realized I didn't want to be in a relationship anyway. I guess she needs to figure out why she is like that in the first place, but it needs to come from her, I think she'd take advice badly from a "regular" person, she'd feel you wouldn't understand anyway.
Maybe you can give her advice on how to "put herself out there", because when people tell us that we should do that we have zero idea what that means, which annoys us even more (to this day I still don't know how you do that). The worst thing to say would be "somebody probably has a secret crush on you!" because it's never true lmao.
>>232849>not because she’s ugly but I think because of not putting herself out there, not meeting many people, being shy — basically circumstances.
Have you said this, in those exact words? Coddling her with vague platitudes about being beautiful etc probably won't help, but a dose of reality might.
If you tell her this clearly and she STILL won't accept it, she simply wants to feel sorry for herself because then she never has to change. It's much easier to wallow in self pity about how undesirable you are than to actually put yourself out there, risk rejection or hurt feelings, improve yourself, or lower your standards. I am in a similar situation to your friend but with more self awareness, sometimes I can't help thinking like "I'm too ugly to get a bf so I may as well give up, it's pointless to try" and have to consciously reign it in - I know, deep down, that's not true at all. I'm just average looking and if I fired up tinder I would have plenty of options.
she sounds toxic
and that's probably the real reason why she has no luck dating. honestly, she doesn't sound ready for any kind of relationship, non-romantic ones included. redirect her to therapy and wash your hands clean, people like that want to drag everybody else down to their level of misery which is why instead of being happy for you like a friend should be she started the theatrics instead.
A couple years ago I had never heard of attachment styles. Then I was watching a youtuber who has decades of experience as a relationship therapist and he got into it. I feel like anyone who has had a rocky relationship that left you scratching your head wondering why your guy/woman acted that way should look into them to see if it rings a bell. Same thing if you scratch your head at your own behaviour lol.
Kinda long but, I'm an avoidant person in general, I'm diagnosed with avpd and all. When I date though and 'let someone in' I can have anxious clingy attachment that totally goes against how I usually deal with people. I would usually have no problem disconnecting and walking away from anyone else who causes me too much stress (and my stress threshold is low) but not in a romantic setting if I'm hooked in.
I dated someone who would give the silent treatment or threaten to leave/break up all the time over small things (all while safe in the knowledge that I'd just cry and still want him back after each shitshow) It was draining as hell. A 3 year live-in situation where 2 years were plagued with this pattern of threats. I eventually semi knew it was empty threats, a performance where he'd berate me and pack my bags then he'd block the front door all while telling me to leave out of the very door he's blocking..? At other times he'd just storm out himself and let me stress for a few hours before coming home and stewing in some more silent treatment. I was hanging on a string praying for it to pass, no idea what I'd even done wrong some of these times. He knew he could get away with it and I'd just be happy for him to get back to talking to me again. I felt weak for how I would react to the empty threats and ill treatment. I cursed myself for all the genuine tears of frustration and panic that I let him watch me waste on these performances. It was eye opening to finally have a clue on why this all played out like that. In a way it helped me to take a very bad situation I was in less personally. Don't get me wrong he passed normal boundaries in ways that are on him and theres worse shit I'll leave out but the cat and mouse chase pattern is an archetype that many are living in because it boils down to attachment styles and not understanding why either of you are pulled to act the way you do. When it's left to get that bad it can mess you up.
I dealt with years of him insisting that seeing as I have an anxiety diagnosis.. that I'm mentally ill and he's mentally healthy so I couldn't ever sit down and point out his behaviour as needing to be addressed too. It was all put on me. Days of silent treatment, dragging my stuff out to the lobby of our building to tell me to never come back again… then changing his mind and bringing them back up once he saw I was taking this seriously and about to go.. You don't have to have a pre existing mental illness diagnosis to be bringing your own shit to a relationship. You can have no diagnosed issues and still do yourself a favour and look into attachment styles and see whether they're running amok in your relationships. I lost my will to cling after 3 years and he replaced me with a woman who also has an anxiety disorder, a physical disability and several kids.. she became highly dependant (likely to cling) straight away and on goes the pattern.
>>233066>instead of being happy for you like a friend should be she started the theatrics instead
Nta but you can't really control how you feel though, she probably feels inferior and is scared to be left behind. I agree she should go to therapy to deal with her self-esteem issues but I don't think she's toxic
Her feelings are understandable. If she has shyness or anxiety or whatever holding her back from experiencing this and now you have the very thing that she likely has put on a grand pedestal by now.. that sting is hard to cover up. Crying to you kinda ABOUT YOU is where it's gets messy. Usually you'd vent these feelings with a third person so that you don't rain on someones happiness. Maybe she just burst into tears without much warning but if it's ongoing then it's inappropriate to land this on you.
'My friends are moving on in life and getting all the things I still haven't reached yet' is a really common funk that people get into. It's not necessarily toxic
jealousy if you learn how to vent about it without turning your friends luck/achievements into an emotional burden that they then have to pay you back for. You shouldn't be feeling guilt when nice things happen to you. If it appears she's trying to encourage guilt then I'd worry.
To be honest, and you will get plenty of nonnas disagreeing with me so don't worry, you probably talk about it too much and too obsessively. It's understandable in this world and I was the same way. When I first peaked it was a while until I could step back from freaking out and feeling horrified by the state of things and where it's going. You're right to feel that way, because it's awful. At the same time, nothing can come of obsessively worrying or stewing in anger. That shit honestly hurts yourself in a way that is just a waste. I also did the thing of talking to someone close too much about it. Later on I stopped browsing the relevant threads here and stepped back a bit from the issue, I was too depressed about the world in general. You kinda come to realize that nobody actually likes troons, at least not the majority, they just fake it. Looking in the mtf thread is horrifying but to most normal people these are still the freaks of society. A show like 'I Am Jazz' which purports to be supportive of Jazz exists mainly to exploit the fact that it is freakish and horrifying, just like those shows about the morbidly obese or weird fetishists. It is still awful rn for the public discourse to be how it is, and I genuinely worry for the future with zoomers (my age group) and younger being indoctrinated, but at the same time I realized when I go outside it's pretty easy to be reminded most people are normies and have a shallow understanding of the issue, deep down many find it uncomfortable. Idk, I also came to see how miserable the troons are for example in the mtf thread, and while it's not like I feel pity exactly, I just realized their lives already suck so it's kind of like they've already got their karma. Besides this train hopefully can only go on so much longer. Don't let yourself get consumed by hate or fear over it, don't give them that power, it seeps into your daily life and other people, ie normies, don't like the negativity even if they agree in general. Freaks exist and right now the situation is insane enough to make you want to hold up signs at the intersection about it because society has lost it, I know that feel, but I guess eventually you have to mellow out or you'll implode from despair. In general people like when others are positive and talk about things like interests or hobbies, not this. But it's still OK if you need to vent about it from time to time. I'm just sharing that in my opinion the strength of your distress over it will go down over time. I personally regret bringing it up so much to that person because I no longer am so filled with anger and it probably gave a bad impression.
Why did you wait two years to bring this up? That's nuts.
Anyway, even though you waited so long, he's wrong for refusing to discuss it, even if he didn't do it, and not caring about your feelings at all.
I think he said. If he didn't, he would have said "I never felt that way about you. I always wanted a serious relationship."
And why didn't you believe him when he said no. Was it because he has a habit of acting shady or his behavior in the moment was sketch.
Honestly it just skipped my mind. It wasn't something I thought about until I read some old chat-logs and realized it was a pretty messed up thing to say.
I didn't really believe him solely because I don't see why my ex-friend would lie to me, we used to be extremely close and I can't imagine her making that up on the spot just to torment me. At this point I just want him to either give a straight answer that it was a lie, or admit it and apologize.
Sorry for the late reply, been so busy trying to get my mind off my friend's confession>>231512
yeah you're right, I already got something good going with the other guys meanwhile i don't think it would effect my relationship with my friend if I reject him… Though he is feeling insecure about himself lately. Is there anything I can support him with while he deals with his mental health?>>231629
yeah its honestly becoming so confusing for me to be dealing with (relationship wise) him being too busy to date me but drunk calling me late at night about his feelings. I do care about him but like i said the feelings aren't there anymore.
And he's making it worse by giving her performance anxiety. Being relaxed is crucial for orgasming, but she's fretting over this. She doesn't even want it herself, says its a chore.
It's his male insecurity that's making her focus on the orgasm. You can enjoy sex even without orgasming.
I had a gf who couldn't orgasm and at first she sheepishly tried to convince me it's not my fault blah blah. I never thought it was, I have friends who are also unable to orgasm and we talked about it a lot. She's bi (so am I) and that need to apologise for not orgasming came from her relationships with men.
I would support her in trying to overcome it if she wanted of course, but she didn't. She was in therapy for other stuff that was more of a priority to her. We had a great sex life even without her orgasming as we were doing things comfortable and pleasant for both.
OP needs to stop trying to please her male and relax. There is no goal to sex.
Well i make my boyfriend orgasm nearly every time we do something intimate. Shouldn't it go both ways? Unless im not understanding what you mean, then i apologize. >>236993
I do enjoy sex and doing all sorts of different things, but i never orgasm from it. It ends when he finishes though and we just cuddle which is fine, but i want more. He ate me out once, but i was sleep deprived and drunk and it was the only time i have ever orgasmed from another person. I want to feel that again without having to use something to suppress my brain from being there 100% but im starting to think i might need therapy after all.
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How can I stop wearing my heart on my sleeve?
I hardly ever have crushes that I actually act on but the guy I've been talking to/seeing/dating/whatever for a few months hid something really important from me and then just casually mentioned it in passing last night while we were texting which is shit because the overall conversation was really wholesome so I just didn't know what to reply to that. I've never been secretive or avoidant with him because I was so comfortable around him so he knows a bunch of stuff about me, we talked about basically everything and I thought I knew him well but apparently he keeps hiding stuff from me. I'll meet up with him next week, he probably thinks it's a date but I want to talk some things through and possibly break up with him because this really is my last straw, he's hurt me too much by being so non-communicative about his intentions and by taking me for granted.
How can I avoid being a crying mess and forgiving him? And how can I get over this? It's been 4 years since I tried dating someone and I got screwed over very similarly the last time. This guy seemed really sweet and considerate and precious and we clicked so well, this just came out of left field
Sorry if this is really ambiguous but trust me nonnas, what he told me was a massive deal breaker
My bf was really dirty and kissy when we first decided to have sex but the moment we got into sex he lost his boner after a few minutes. We're now long term and I asked him why that happened that night when he seemed so keen and he said he was super anxious when it started happening because he really liked me and was overthinking it.
I think he was just really nervous anon, don't worry too much unless it keeps happening again and again.
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You are not even trying…
hey, i'm sorry, the post duplicated because of the errors on the site so i deleted it.
i swear i'm not baiting, i came back on LC after a few months' break and i've just seen the shit that's happening so i get why you may think that
you're right. i knew i'd get this kind of reaction and i still went for it, lol.
where i'm from age gaps of 15-20 years are nothing unusual. but friends i talked to did find this a "bit" weird. i'll delete the post now because i'm probably not going to get much else apart from "bait" and "you're a fucking tard" and fair enough tbh
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I love my boyfriend and I'm planning to meet him but he seems really emotionally immature and I don't know what to do. He's fine besides getting irrationally angry at anything slightly frustrating. I can't take it because I try to cheer him up or anything but he sits there silently and nothing makes him happy and I bother him. He gets this way often and it's the reason why I don't watch or play anything with him that may upset him. I was hoping this would fizzle out and maybe he would get better with time but I think I am trying to justify how he is to make myself feel better. Sometimes I cannot talk to him at all if he's in a bad mood and the only thing that makes him change his mood is if I get sad or mad which is not healthy. Am I doomed? I don't know if I can take this. I've dated a few men and they all seem to get irrationally angry like this and I can't tell if it's me or men as a whole anymore.
anon, this might sound harsh, but it's almost certainly (99%) not you. you just attract these types of men. do you have a low self esteem?
from experience, it won't get better, it will only get worse. put your foot down, and if he doesn't at least TRY to get better, leave.
i don't know if you'll listen to this or not, but i have to tell you: work on your self esteem before you get into another relationship.
otherwise every relationship will be like the one you described in your post, because you'll keep attracting men who can figuratively smell that you don't think very highly of yourself and that they can use you.
do you have any friends you can rely on for venting and advice? or even a therapist (i know it's a meme, but if you don't have friends you can have real talk with, it could really help)
you sound like a lovely person and i know you can do better, nonita
Nothing can be confirmed until I spend time IRL with him… but so far, he seems very empathetic and not arrogant at all, maybe even the opposite. I will keep that in mind in case anything happens though.>>245340>jesus, both of you sound extremely annoying and obnoxious, you guys will make a good, repulsive couple
IDK what made you think so, but thank you! Was it the brain part? It sucks because we live 2 hours apart and covid doesn't make things any easier (I hope I'm not expecting the impossible). IDK how shit would work out once we meet, but I really would like to give it a shot instead of obsessing over someone I never met.>he is probably just as into you.
I hope so! Genuinely can't tell if he's a good sport when replying to me or actually interested, but that may be anxiety and autismo as well.
I don't have an ongoing pattern of dating this type of man but I have one ex who doted on me in the beginning and then morphed into this once we signed a lease and were living together. I'm taking a long break from dating and really thinking about why I accepted all that moping about and silent treatment. Even with a lease tying me up it still takes low self esteem to accept that and even confuse that for love. Men/people with that type of manipulative or maladaptive behaviour do not change easily. They won't see your pain and snap out of it. If you're isolated or friendless that emboldens them to treat you however they like and then tell you they're doing nothing wrong. Living with someone like that.. I would go back in time and pay thousands to break that lease if I knew how much emotional damage it leaves and that it does not get better. It's a poor investment of your time and your emotions.
Being single and friendless but having a drama-free day to day life is better than that roller coaster of 'god what's wrong with him today'. Totally agree with what >>243926
says. Whether you want to persue friendships or work on figuring out your self esteem issues… do that and don't rush into dating or waste energy on him. I know not everyone has money for therapy for the likes of this but even reading up on it is helpful for reflecting. I've spent alot of time eating up any free info I can find on why people get into these dynamics. Books, podcasts run by real licensed professionals, there's info out there that'll give you plenty to think about.
What I don't get is you say you're meeting soon, did I misread or is he moping through long distance? Have you not met?
The restrictions aren't that bad, but he has been fucked up by covid pretty recently… and it all weights on him wanting to see me. It makes me kind of optimistic to see you say it's not that big of an issue. I haven't thought about the option of meeting in the middle, that's a good idea. We will see how he reacts to hints or a mere suggestion.
I definitly don't want him to have a reaction like >>245382
because I AM acting irrationally too into him (this isn't against OP, where the opposite happened - what a POS of a scrote)
I was in a similar boat except my ex partner was a dick in his lack of willingness to change even after I communicated in a healthy way.
Talk it out with him, it's scary and you'll feel anxious to do it and I know you don't want to hurt him but you are hurting yourself and the relationship by not having an honest conversation with him. If after you two have talked about it and seen what you guys can resolve and he doesn't change then just leave. You will ultimately end up checking out of the relationship and it's preferable that if you do meet someone you're more compatible with that you're single and in a healthier, happier state of mind.
I have totally lost my sex drive for my boyfriend and it scares me because I'm every relationship including this one, I've always wanted sex. I know why - my boyfriend doesn't make me feel desired at all. He doesn't say anything negative, but he doesn't say anything positive unless it's right after something I say positively about him. I do that a lot, every single day, and he doesn't always return the compliment. I've tried talking to him about desire before and it's always a couple of weeks of him trying, then he stops and it just makes me feel awful. It's hard because he's sweet in every other way - he cooks for me, cleans for me, he's a great guy. I love and appreciate all he does for me. But it makes me feel like he's more of a parent than a lover. I've requested doing more things like vacuuming and cleaning because I enjoy that, but he is really particular that he do them since he stays home (he's finishing up school while I work). He listens to me or at least tries. But it just is so hard for me, I've given up reminding him because it always fizzled out. It sucks because I shower him with comments regarding how sexually attractive I find him and such, but he just cannot return the favor. It hurts my feelings a lot, I'm thin, I get attention for my appearance outside of my boyfriend, but he is not good at it and I think it's killing my drive. I talked to him last week about complimenting me and I suggested he put it in a to do list since he uses that so he doesn't forget. He whined about it because it's "unromantic" but I mentioned that considering he forgets and it's so important to me, he should. He made such a big deal about it that it just made me feel terrible in the end. I was just trying to give a suggestion since he's always talking about how he wants to make me happy. Well, I would like to feel desired, not just serviced. I feel sick inside, like I need to give up on feeling desired, and it sucks because he has a chronic health issue that already is making me sacrifice being as active as I am. I'm fine with that, but I feel like it's a hard pill to swallow that I will just feel "meh" to him.
Well, he does go to school and is about to graduate. He's keen to work ASAP. I downplay the fact I work and pay bills because I feel like what he does is more difficult. He tries to talk to me and listen to me, he also has sex with me, and that's part of why I feel so guilty, I've always wanted a guy who wants to have sex with me, but I've never met one who seemed so blah about me. Sometimes he will talk about how attractive I am, but it's only if we are talking about other people or about the subject of attractiveness, it's extremely clinical. He cuddles and is very physically affectionate, but I have to be real, it just makes me feel like he's my mom because she used to do all of that for me as well minus the sex so the lack of feeling desired really gets on my nerves. He is definitely proud of me as he talks about me to his friends in terms of how good I am at my work, how quickly I've ascended the scale, etc. but I feel meh because I wish I were fawned over a bit in a primal way.
Maybe you are right. For guys like him, is the problem that he doesn't find me inherently attractive?
Uh. Lazy and abusive
Of course you're not wrong, and it never changes nonny
. The lying. Take it from someone who spent way too many years in a relationship with someone who was constantly promising to be better, yet always fell back on the lies like clockwork. There is no relationship without trust. You think it's not so bad or they have other traits that make it worthwhile, but there's just nothing that can make up for it. It eats away at you every single day and will never stop until you get out. Once you drop him and start spending time with people who actually respect you, you'll wonder how you ever could have allowed someone who says they "love" you treat you so horribly.
The fact that you've communicated about this and only ever been given short spurts of effort says everything you need to know about where this is heading. You're now in a loop where every new discussion on it will feel more and more humiliating and like nagging or begging… all while you pay for the pelasure.
I wouldn't let it knock your confidence, it happens to people of all attractiveness levels. I've left before when we werent in a dead bedroom but were becoming listless in ways where I was too young and had too healthy of a sex drive to settle for it. If a man is regularly fucking you and yet is somehow still making you question yourself in that area.. that weighs heavy. In my own case I kinda wish I had cut off sex at the point where I was feeling low over it. I went ham trying to be a great lover thinking that was the way forward but he got all the benefits and it still didn't change a thing.
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Am I the only one who, without fail, will have a dead bedroom within at least a year of starting a relationship? Not fully dead, but a quickie every couple weeks level of dead-ish. Of course the common denominator is me - my attraction to men I date just vanish into thin air when things get steady. I have only dated one woman, but then the feelings did not disappear (but there was other issues). A couple straight/bicurious friends say this happens to them too.
You don't owe anything to this dude, he did something to piss you off and that was enough to cut ties, it's not like he is your husband of 10 years.>>245997
I'm bi and I'm an extremely boring and uneventful person, this is one of the dumbest anti-bi take I've read here lmao.
When you look back at your relationships which ended up with dead bedroom, was there any active effort from both you and your partners for it to not be the case? Being eager to have sex in any circumstances is normal and common in the beginning of the relationship but as the time passes you need to make sure this is still going on, show initiative, make sure there's intimacy between you and your partner every day outside situations leading straight to sex, treat relationship all the time like it's new, not just something you settle into, so you know: a lot of physical contact like caress, hand holding etc, going out on dates even if you live together, kiss a lot - and not just a peck, make out a bit; discuss your sex life a lot, explore what you like and what can you improve, have more foreplay etc.
Once reading through various relationship related articles I ran into advice to make sure that every day you should kiss your partner for longer than six seconds (not total, one time mini make out session) and I think as simple as it is, there's something there for sure; even if you approach it as a bit of a chore, like "come here, we will make out for 6 seconds now", if you like each other it will excite you, and I think this is what you'd need, right?
Okay ladies. Advice needed. Last year I was with my bf at a car track day. I have no interest in cars I was there to spend time with him. He had a quirky sports car, I was in the car he was at the boot, over walks a girl. They talk for 49 mins, she opens the driver door and asks, is that your bf? I answer yes. She then smiles and go if my bf was talking to a girl then I would be pissed. Weird comment whatever, now she wants a shot of the car so i head to the toilet rather than be evicted. Im raging, she makes a comment when me, my bf and her are all standing there my bf is in dr martens, im in vans. She goes I didn’t know we were wearing docs, so it was directed at him. I was so annoyed. Cut to later she’s following him on insta and he’s following her back. Immediately I speak to him about how she made me uncomfortable and was disrespectful. He blocks her and that’s that. Whatever it’s been dealt with. The other day me and my bf were talking and I go remember that girl at the track, he goes oh yeah blah blah blah she messaged me on my other Instagram account just after I blocked her on my main. I was taken aback, I asked when this happened - it was months ago. I was a bit annoyed why hadn’t he told me? His story also didn’t line up as far as I’m aware. His other account has always been private to my knowledge so he said she replied to a story with a picture of me and him, but you’d need to be following him to do that. I also don’t remember him ever putting a pic of us up on this account. He said his account was public at that point I don’t know how true this is. He said he just deleted the message as soon as he seen who it was from. Ladies I need help
I appreciate your advice anon. The kissing thing could be good. However, like >>246006 I do hug and do other intimate shit with him, compliment him and he does compliment me too. We do not make out a lot though, that could be the issue. But I remember being really eager to have sex with my ex gf even though we did not kiss a lot either! I absolutely loved going down on her, but I rarely do that for my bf, it seems like a chore (maybe I should "force myself" do it more?). Maybe it's just me having poisoned my brain with porn and only seeing women as sexual objects. Or something.
It's just fucking weird. In the lesbian relationship I drank spearmint tea to calm my horniness down, as it was bothering my gf, but now it's just gone. And I am obviously not a lesbian either, because I do find men attractive at the start of a relationship or swoon over some male celebrities. Why am I this fucking retarded reeeeee
If you are with your partner it's disrespectful to check out other women. I also don't check out other men in public. Plus following someone on Instagram means you are literally seeking it out, it's not like they are just women who are walking around in a mall, he is clicking follow on their accounts so he can look at their pictures and probably jerk off to them too.
Sorry you fell for the meme that men are trying to sell to women that you are "insecure" if you expect basic respect and monogamy from your partner. I know you must be seething that there are women like me who don't have to put up with that behavior, kek.
Yeah, yeah, your boyfriend is "not like other men" and he truly cares about his hot friends and values their opinions, which is why he follows them on Instagram. He probably calls himself a feminist too. Kek, you are so naive and in for a rude as fuck awakening.
Yes, the men with respect don't follow women on instagram, don't chat up women in public and don't go to dinner with women alone without their partner present. Anything else is disrespectful and it has nothing to do with being a misogynist with no self-control. Your boyfriend is the one who has no self control, but he is selling it to you as "they are just friends" and you BELIEVE IT, like the moron you are. There are probably many moments where you feel rightfully bothered by this behavior and he shuts you down with "don't be insecure" and you blame yourself for it. I would say I pity you but women like you really do it to themselves being pickme's for scrotes and thinking you're the enlightened ones.
>>246071>Yeah, yeah, your boyfriend is "not like other men" and he truly cares about his hot friends and values their opinions, which is why he follows them on Instagram. He probably calls himself a feminist too. Kek, you are so naive and in for a rude as fuck awakening.
you sound like one of those women who yells that it's impossible for men not to watch porn and women should just suck it up and date coomers instead. yes, finding a man who is not as misogynist as most is terribly difficult, yes most men are not worth it but why even date men with that attitude? my boyfriend is terrible and just like all other men because he is friends with women but yours totally isn't like other men and he totally refuses to interact with women he isn't fucking out of respect for you? it's funny to call others naive while being this naive yourself.>There are probably many moments where you feel rightfully bothered by this behavior
no i don't because i'm not insane lol
>>246074>you sound like one of those women who yells that it's impossible for men not to watch porn and women should just suck it up and date coomers instead
What? I have literally been saying the opposite of this. I think you shouldn't accept a man who has no self control and doesn't respect you. What a weird fucking way for you to twist that, lol.
>no i don't because i'm not insane lol
Like I said before, I don't know why you bother to lie to yourself and me on here. Maybe it helps you cope with seeing your boyfriends Instagram follow list or something. Keep telling yourself you are totally unbothered. You could literally just dump your trash-tier boyfriend and find a man who doesn't cuck you, but you don't seem to respect yourself enough. Many such cases sadly.
>>246075>What? I have literally been saying the opposite of this. I think you shouldn't accept a man who has no self control and doesn't respect you.
you think the vast majority of men being trash means that it's impossible for a man to interact with a woman without secretly jerking off over here. it's the same logic as people who believe that the majority of men being trash means it's impossible for a man not to wank to the exploitation of women and it's just as insane>Like I said before, I don't know why you bother to lie to yourself and me on here.
i just want you to keep exposing how insane and warped your view of the world is. enjoy having a mental breakdown because your boyfriend said "thank you" to the female cashier, that's definitely the kind of thing a self-respecting woman does.
But I already know your man is trash cause he has Instagram and follows women on there. You already settled for a trash tier man and all you are doing right now is coping about it.
>enjoy having a mental breakdown because your boyfriend said "thank you" to the female cashier, that's definitely the kind of thing a self-respecting woman does.
I see you are now making up scenarios in your head about me being more miserable than you somehow to cope with your shit boyfriend. Must be ROUGH to be you. I am super happy and my boyfriend is very polite to all female staff, he just doesn't check out their ass and their Instagram like yours does.
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ngl this fight is interesting
>>246078>But I already know your man is trash cause he has Instagram and follows women on there.
lol>I see you are now making up scenarios in your head about me being more miserable than you somehow to cope with your shit boyfriend. Must be ROUGH to be you. I am super happy and my boyfriend is very polite to all female staff, he just doesn't check out their ass and their Instagram like yours does.
yeah and doesn't interact with them otherwise because he doesn't see them as huma- i'm sorry, it's of course because he's a super special good boy and just respects you too much to treat other women as human beings as well. yelling about how super happy you are on lolcow definitely makes it sound very believable and true.
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Found this pic of you and your man as he is respecting women, trying to make a new friend and you are not being insecure about it.
if you think a man has to literally be kept away from all other women at all times, why even date a man? what's the point?>I think a man who is honest about this fact and doesn't line of women to potentially bang one day (aka "friends) is better than a man who is lying to your face about these friendships as he is following their accounts to look at their pictures.
"all men watch porn, just look at how much they talk about it. you didn't find some special creature who doesn't, i think a man who is honest about the fact that he watches it is better than a man who is lying to your face about not watching it"
let's twist this around: if you were really comfortable with your boyfriend not being able to hold a friendship with a woman why do you need to defend it so hard to other women on the internet?>How do you even know what sort of pictures he likes?
"liked by x and y number other people", dummy
so this is true yet also>>246117>a man who doesn't feel the need to look at other women because he is confident and happy with his woman
a man can be a good person and do this? but of course, only if it's your autismoid. he's just special like that and not like other moids.
Nta but, isn’t it because he was supposed be going to professional-setting dinners with people he had business with, and some of them happened to be women, so he opted out?
Imagine being one of those women in the position to be having business with the Vice President, and he won’t show up at a dinner with you there because you have certain genitalia. It’s as if that’s all he could see.
Also, newsflash: everyone fantasizes, regardless of however many friends of the opposite sex they have. I don’t believe it’s necessarily problematic
in and of itself. Is everyone in this argument squeaky clean of never doing it?
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Why does my ex still write me using lame excuses even though he has a serious gf of almost a year that constantly posts photos of them kissing and shit?
I've told him many times I don't want friendship. To only contact me with absolutely vital stuff (I meant like family member dying).
I'm back to blocking him now. I don't really like him, he's hurt me deeply and his gf also is the type of person I quite dislike (wannabe insta model with no following).
Is he unhappy in his new relationship? Doesn't seem like it from the photos. Is he just trying to stroke his ego？I obviously don't want him, block him everywhere yet he still tries to contact me. He also didn't want me. The fuck is his deal? Nostalgia??
>>Sorry to crosspost from /ot/
Im falling out of love with my 5 year bf (who lightly*financially supports me but doesnt engage me/understand me anymore) and in love with my roommate who provides emotional support, has things in common w/ me, cooks for me, and we communicate so much better…
And it would be one thing if my roommate was poly and i could maybe just date him too, but hes very strictly monogamous… and honestly i would prefer that with him to my current closed relationship to a poly serial cheater.
I have this guilty pleasure of masturbating to the idea of dominating him (my roommate) into a loyal dog, hes already so loyal and lightly flirts and teases me all the time but much more frequently… but its getting to the point thats not enough for me.
I have not had sex with my bf for- Idk how long now… Months. But, just yesterday night getting a wrist massage from my roommate got me soo frustratingly hot & bothered. We were barely holding hands… He immediately got up from the couch and into the other room once he stopped massaging my wrist, i am 100% its because it got him off too.
I feel nasty for writing this all out but i need to say this somewhere bc i know im stuck in this situation… Idk how to leave someone i've lived with for 4 years, i made life plans with, and lived through heavy moments together, but dont know him anymore.
And in that same amount of time i keep growing closer to my roommate. I have been longing for him for honestly years- But hes also been one of my best friends… And its starting to feel like a delusional crush or an obsession? It feels unfair to hide, but do i like that i have a secret crush? Is that what actually gets me off?? I feel like an infatuated sicko.
(Ps. Worst past yet! 3-4 years ago Poly bf gave me his blessing to sleep with roomie before we actually lived together. but through getting to know roomie, hes too sensitive to just sleep around with friends, hes def yearning for the domestic husbando life)
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Thank you anon, I was extra stupid yesterday. He told me randomly everything he'd like to get with his first paycheck and he just wants to give me things to make my life better like a bed that doesn't wreck my back. I feel grateful and no longer pressed because my bf could, god lord, dare to pay the check lmao
Do you follow his friend on Instagram and like his pictures?
Also personally I do not fantasize about other people, but I'm the kind of person who is only attracted to people I am in love with, plus I would feel disgusting about doing that. I can objectively notice that someone is attractive, but I don't start to imagine having sex with them.
I follow most of his friends on Instagram and I like their photos cause they are cool/interesting people, not to fucking masturbate over them>>246257
Sorry but no, your little armchair psychology experiment failed. I'm very happy and secure in the fact that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't actually want to have sex with anyone else which is why I never acted on the dumb crush. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to find an attractive person attractive, I'm not a robot.
If you can't stand the thought of one person forever then he's not the one for you or you are just not made for monogamy.
Imagine if your boyfriend fantasized about your friends and how you would feel.
And why not fantasize in private if I want to get off and it hurts no one? Am I only ever supposed to think of my moid and myself doing it missionary style for the purposes of procreation? >>246270
Lay off the advice auntie tone, the reality is you could be with the greatest and hottest person in the world and still find yourself occasionally fantasizing about other people, especially if you stay together for a very long time. Private thoughts hurt no one, they aren't actions. Even in a relationship you should be allowed to remain your own person and keep some things private.
Alright, my fiancé, happy now? He can take a joke, he wouldn't be offended by this and having to censor myself on a forum he has no idea about is just as ridiculous as having to censor my thoughts>>246281
Private thoughts do not hurt anyone>>246289
It's not about your partner "not being enough", it's just something you do for the fun of it and cause it means nothing. You can have "enough" in real life and still fantasize about something different because that's how fantasies work. I honestly don't know what to tell you, you sound like you just stumbled into your first LTR and are now acting ~enlightened~ because of it. "People in happy loving relationships never even fantasize about others" is a view only someone with little to no relationship experience could have.
>>246299> I'm with someone I actually love and I could never imagine fucking another man
Great if that's how things work for you, it's not like that for many people though and I'd guess you are probably in the minority there. You don't have to imagine anything you don't want to lol, it's weird to insist everybody should be like you or they're secretly unhappy though>I can't wait to spend the rest of my life only having sex with my man
Awesome, me too!>>246301
It's cause your point of view of "everybody not like me is not truly happy and in love" is an insanely immature and narrow one
>>246307>if you're not even attracted to anyone else in the first place
Imo, easily getting crushes on others as well as fantasizing about them is a sign of someone who is fickle and values variety way too much, or isn't getting their needs met in the relationship. Maybe even a mixture of both, because eventually most people (understandably) settle for someone who is good enough unless they are lucky or stubborn enough to keep searching for someone they are fully compatible with.
I can see what you're saying, you value someone having those traits and choosing to be faithful vs. someone who never has those urges at all because it isn't part of their nature to have them.
It's not about objectively knowing other people are attractive, it's about having sexual fantasies about other people, and some of those other people being YOUR BOYFRIENDS BEST FRIEND. >>246307
If you get crushes on other people while in a relationship, your relationship sucks and you are not really in love or fulfilled. There should be no room in your head to fantasize about others if you are truly happy and in love.
It's not even what you're saying as much as the bullheaded attitude of "everyone else is doing love wrong" that makes you sound immature. But in terms of what you are actually saying, "if you are truly in love you shouldn't have the space to even think of anyone else" is the attitude of young lovers in the infatuation stage. Once you have kids, bills, grueling jobs, other responsibilities, have lived together long enough that you've seen the worst of the other person and know their grossest habits, it does happen a lot that a new person showing up who you don't have the same familiarity with will appear exciting and a crush will develop. The trick is to remember that the familiarity also means you have seen the best of the person you're with and that newness isn't worth throwing love and respect out of the window for. And if you can do that, I don't think it makes you any less in love than the person who doesn't get crushes.
You honestly sound mightily condescending and know-it-all,I wish you the best but I have a feeling that things will blow up in your face eventually and the heartbreak will be so much worse than it would be for the more jaded nonnas.
I think this also depends on what we mean by "getting a crush on", "finding attractive", etc. For example for me you can find someone attractive without wanting to fuck them consciously. Before going full blown crush and fantasizing, there are other signs: finding someone pleasant looking, wanting to talk a lot, the excitement of spending time with someone new, etc. It's not directly furiously jerking off to a random guy that you met. So for me, I think you should restrain from letting this progress grow too much. But at the same time going through this doesn't mean you aren't truly in love, simply that you are taking the risk of weakening it, which is something I think a lot of people do, a risk I took before and it ended up happening, so now I think I will be more careful the thoughts I reinforce and those I discard.
And if truly you find every other man repulsive after finding your nigel, then congrats, but it seems unlikely to happen to me and it's not a standard I would hold my partner to.
>>246357>but that means doing new things with your partner, not fantasizing about other people.
You can do both? I don't see how having a silly romantic fantasy about the Italian Eurovision guy means I can't plan a date night with my husband for later that week. That's why I said fantasies are fine as long as they don't interfere with the real thing.>If you can even do that with a clean conscience while you know how much it would hurt your partner
Respectfully, I know my husband better than you do. I cannot imagine him wanting to hear about my celebrity crush fantasies nor would I about his but I cannot imagine him freaking out about them and acting betrayed over me having them. If the "no fantasizing about other people" standard works for you and your boyfriend, great. But most people do not hold each other to that and are perfectly happy regardless.
It’s easier said than done, I try to but i’ve known this guy since i was 18 and he’d always make advances towards me and shit and now i’m hung up over him for no reason, i’m not a victim
, but i just can’t seem to let him go/move on
I don't think you're a victim
but he has more experience and this will probably be your first adult relationship while it won't be the case for him. Also he'll be super boring to you since you're 19 and exploring and learning new stuff while he probably has his life figured out more or less. You can try talking to other guys, that's the easiest way to get over him if that's what you want.
nta but >childish romantic fantasy
you mean true love? people are allowed to only focus on one another if they're in a relationship.
Its most likely a triggered
Nta, but I agree. "Men hate women and I cut them out of my life, but also I need a bf"? Clearly you do have men in your life if you found a boyfriend in the first place. It's fine to date men it's unreasonable to expect straight women to just not have a romantic life
but what is with this weird misandrist larp.
>>246472>What kind of attention seeking behavior is this?
Anyway, dude doesn't eat and doesn't want to live. I don't see how you can find happiness there.
I have no advice but>If you were in my situation, do you think you'd also have doubts?
1000% yes. For me it'd be hard to find trust again after those things were said.
Thank you very much anons, this is a a very likely scenario. I wouldn't want to jeopardize something good just because we weren't on the same page for some time in the beginning. I'm seeing a therapist and hopefully will be able to combat my low self-esteem, and seems like that would be helpful with going forward, regardless where exactly that would lead.
I'm grateful for your response too, >>246490
, of course it's retarded to think I'm the only person who would ever feel like this but in a way I do? So I'm thankful to see someone else would also have doubts here.
I talked to him a lot about it already but when you have deeply rooted trust issues it's not that easy to solve with just conversations unfortunately.>>246500
Thank you, this is very reassuring! You're right people often don't know what exactly they want, and not like it's impossible to change your mind once you get to know someone closer? Still painful to think it wasn't 100% from the start but I'm happy to know you were in similar situation and it worked out so well for you.
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>how i sleep at night knowing i'll never have to deal with a shitty boyfriend or relationship problems
>>246474>They had to cut off the males because of their bf and can't admit.
fucking THIS. All of this "I don't have male friends cause I can only think of my bf, I don't need other moids" stuff is just women trying to appease jealous, possessive scrotes and trying to dress it up as some misandrist separatist action because they know they will get made fun of on here otherwise. The anon who called it a childish romantic fantasy is also correct because this is clearly coming from women who never outgrew the "growls
you are MINE" angsty fanfiction idea of love.
These threads have been shit for a while now but the past few days really showcased that nonnas are asking for advice from some of the most neurotic, dysfunctional people out there.
Listen to this anon. Don't know how many more times women will have to be told this: do not date men (or women too, for that matter) who claim to have some sort of issues, be suicidal or depressed unless they can prove they have put in the work and fully dealt with those issues. Unless they are "depressed" in the quirky depression meme sense in which case don't date them cause that kind of self-pity is fucking annoying.
I wish I finished things with my ex when I found out she had anorexia. But I stayed long enough that by the time I got rid of the dead weight (pun?), I ended up needing therapy myself. People like that are leeches that will suck the life out of you.
no, i haven't had a chance to post yet, let me weigh in.>>246476> all of my male friends actually stopped talking to ME once I got a boyfriend. They lost all interest in being my "friend" immediately.
this has never happened to me because i have actual friends, not orbiters i keep around because i enjoy the attention. this is a you problem.
ok now we can let it die.
there's plenty of other anons in this thread who did dump their friends because of some bullshit about how once you're in a relationship you should only have the space to even think about one man, literal jealous abusive
I get it, you're not like other girls. You can read scrotes minds and totally know all their motives and would never get manipulate unlike those dumb other women. It's really their fault for believing men are being their friends for years and then dumping them as soon as they are not available, those dumb women should have just known better
I bet you also blame women in abusive
relationships because they should have just known better. Pickmes like you will never change, fuck off.
>>246600>you're defending scummy men by calling men trash
sound logic. i bet you also say women who exclusively date e.g. drugged out soundcloud rappers and then complain that they're shitty boyfriends are also helpless victims
with no agency and everyone who disagrees is a pickme
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so I’ve been seeing this guy, and I’ve had some really great dates with him, hung out with him and his roommates, etc. we have a few more dates planned for this upcoming week. But he hasn’t answered my last text for a full day and a half now. Normally I wouldn’t really care, but it made me remember these texts he sent me a week ago. I’m wondering now if maybe he sent me these texts to just have an excuse in the future to ghost me, or just cue at him being an avoidant attachment style. Idk maybe I’m overthinking everything, it’s just confusing because we were talking so regularly and he seemed really into me. I don’t wanna humiliate myself by texting him again days later. What do you guys think??
I need to keep posting my 2 golden rules:
If he wanted to, he would
If he was genuine, he wouldn't leave you confused
Don't compliment me too much or I'll go into a 'shitty cycle' and ghost you.. totes your fault for being too nice! Anon be glad he's laying his bs out in front of you and take it as your queue to get out..any sane person would.
This might look like hes just being open with his feelings but I guarantee this is him testing the waters to see how much he can push you away and have you keep coming back to him anyway. He's using fake vulnerability to lay the grounds to make you accept behaviours that you should never tolerate especially very early on into dating. If you play along with this poor-me shite then he'll be rubbing his hands together high on the fact that he's bagged himself a fool.
In this situation (been in a simialr one in the past) I'd start working on your practical plan in advance of telling him.
Details like where you're going to live. Are you on a shared lease? Are you splitting bills, are there any ongoing payments you make for shared services? Can you guess whether he'll be the type to order you out on the street the minute you break the news to him. Things like that. You have plenty of time to worry about friendships and social stuff once you're ok in terms of your living situation. Sometimes men react in very petty ways where they try and leave you stranded or refuse to let you off payment plans as their bit of payback. You say he's disrespectful so just play it safe and line up your plan just in case he plays hard.
you mean>blaming men for mens scummy behavior and blaming women for knowing they are scum and still not being properly blackpilled about them
you sound dumb as a brick when you try to spin "men are trash and most aren't worth the time" into a pickme statement
Yes, what >>246696
said. Worry about the practical aspects before worrying about the social ones. How much do you have in savings? Is your license suspended or have you just never had one? Either way, see what you need to do to get one. Consider getting even a part-time job if it means building up your savings.
Good luck nonny
, that’s a tough situation to be in but not an impossible one to get out of.
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>>246667>of course im gonna date them, I love dick, but I hate when they speak lmfao
Then you would be having casual sexual relationships and not a full-on boyfriend. Face it, "I'm cutting men out of my life…. I still have a boyfriend though!" is pathetic LARP
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lmfao how is that a larp? I want a boyfriend and I enjoy ROMANTIC relationships with men but im not going to spend my time giving random moids attention and validation. Especially when im in a relationship like how the fuck is this even real lmfao. Men always want to fuck and they keep you on a backburner even when you're in a relationship, you gotta be living in some kind of anime universe to think men other than your brothers actually keep you around as a 'friend'. Moids also get autistic and turn into primal animals when they know you have a bf, you become more desirable to them. Grow up sweatling, those guys aren't your friends.
Sorry this is so long.
I think you should tell your friends about how your relationship is going south before breaking up. It’s nice to know they won’t drop you or pick sides but you don’t know what your boyfriend will do, so it’s important to let them really know how you are. Moving out is up to whether you can stand his presence or not, you’re not legally obligated to move out, especially if you’re both renting, so don’t rush yourself. I’d suggest taking some of your friends out to do something fun in a small group, just to get everyone (including yourself) used to having fun with ‘you’ and not ‘that couple we know’.
Basically you’re just becoming roommates and you don’t need to be concerned about his connection to your friends. It might feel freeing to get a quick non-career job for extra money, a change of scenery and to meet new people in general (so you don’t feel tied down to the daily life you and your boyfriend share). You’re right to connect with others first, but you can relax about the whole thing. He sounds annoying, so maybe just distance yourself from his drama while you do other stuff.
Why do men always seem really into you, then at some point do a complete 180 and seem really distant?
I have yet another man who last week seemed really committed and interested in me, now this week it's like pulling teeth to speak with him at all.
So exhausting to deal with, every time this happens I end up with a heavy feeling. I try to be careful but my god, it feels like every guy does this. What gives?
Lmao thanks for the laugh nonnie
, it's probably this yeah. Wish they would just say this from the start though, not switch in-between
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ok hillary clinton, go hang out with your harem of men then, keep thinking they really 'value' you as a friend hahaha silly billy
I'll keep this in mind, thanks nonnie
I probably do get a bit overinvested, it's difficult not to when you really hit it off with a guy- though I have been trying my best not to do this. I think what makes it hard for me is it's tough not to wonder if there's something suddenly wrong with me or if I did something wrong in-between. I probably don't have the best self-esteem, though I am a lot better than I was when younger. Anyways, I wish they'd just directly addressed what's up instead of being hot-cold and leaving me confused.
As for being proactive- in the past I've found approaching men results in shitty behavior from them as well… really feels like you can't win sometimes
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>I love having heaps of guy friends while I date another guy!
>Meanwhile the guy friends
It has to do with them, not you. A lot of moids are emotionally unstable, avoidant, and don't know what they want. If they do the hot and cold thing, good fucking riddance, then you know they aren't shit and can just move on with your life. Trust me, once you find the right guy he will not leave you confused. Take >>246654
two different posters you dummy
the 2nd one is one of the stepford wives who think it's "impure" to even think of another man while dating one
, I do feel better from the advice everyone gave. Will try to keep it in mind moving forward and not take scrote behavior too personally
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Except she started out with this post and she slowly started to change it into "maybe women need to be more careful because men are bad" after getting shit on for saying that she personally NEVER has issues with male friends because she knows not to befriend men who treat women badly and "it's a you problem" if you get treated badly by men.
>>246705>I hate men>I enjoy romantic relationships and fucking men
While on the other hand men would be like>I hate women>I love abusing and raping women
See you dont have men. You're just being edgy while letting your bf have his way and cutting off all your male friends so your world revolves around your man only like how guys would fantasize about.
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>Yes ladies, keep us around even when you have a bf, I promise we won't bite, we are your dear friends after all, don't let some bf control you and not let you see us, come meet me for coffee next week and i'll listen to all your worries
Your advice just so happens to whiteknight moids and attacks women. How curious. Honestly with statements like >some skater who you let piss on your face turned out not to be husband material and no one could see that coming
You really are a moid LARPing as a "blackpilled woman".
again with the insistence that calling men trash and saying they're to blame is "whiteknighting" them, kek. how long am i supposed to coddle women who enable shitty men for, exactly?>>246755
you are confused again. hint: i'm the poster you think you are talking to and i never talked about not having a boyfriend.
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>remember kitten: every man in the world wants to fuck you. you should never interact with them to stay safe and make sure you don't even think about other men to save all your energy for me. you need to know you. belong. to. me growls and bites your neck
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Moids pls don't unspoiler UwU
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(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
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don't scroll down, there's cp
it's probably just going to start up again when the two neets who were tussling are unbanned anyway, don't kid yourself
everyone in this thread is addicted to infighting and retarded moralizing. i feel bad for shitting on the scandi poster before; as cringe as they are, everyone else is just as bad
be careful, if your husband also believes i'm a man, you might have to sleep in the dog kennel again for typing that much at me!
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Your wife is waiting for you on the other side.
There is not a single woman on earth who would be THIS mad about the fact that some women don't want to be friends with men. It's clearly a very personal issue to you, so much so even that you create fantasy scenarios in your head that the women who reject your friendship end up in abusive
relationships. Then you picture in your head how the husband is beating her and how she deserves it because she didn't pick a nice guy like you, you are a pretty sick fuck.
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Flip flopping between calling me an abused housewife and a scrote just doesn't work, kek. Terminal scrotebrain.
i'm just playing along with your controlling scrote fantasy of a woman who is so dedicated to you she even makes sure she doesn't have "impure" thoughts.
but i understand, in this fantasy the woman is actually choosing
not to read. sure, she reads usually. but when she gives up reading so as to not disrespect her relationship, it's her agency as a woman being exercised.
You already know the sexual fantasies thread (probably why you came to a website for women to begin with) so why don't you take your weird abusive
husband fantasy there? I'm sure you already got a bunch of stories written up about that girl who didn't want to be your friend anymore and how she now lives in a dungeon or whatever.
Here I will start for you:
Her: Sorry Anon, now that I have a boyfriend I don't think we can talk much anymore.
You: FUCK YOU YOU BITCH! I KNEW YOU NEVER APPRECIATED ME! WHY DO YOU DATE THIS ASSHOLE INSTEAD OF ME?!
[Message could not be delivered to recipient]
You're not crazy. If he is getting physical with you, even if it's just hand slapping, imagine what would happen if things got REALLY nasty. He sounds like a dick, and honestly you would probably be better without him. He
sounds like the crazy one.
>>246905>I told him that I couldn't do better than that for the moment. He stormed out of the room and when I went to check on him he was pissed.
Eh?? That's not normal behavior.
This specific evening you described is just bunch of small things both of you ended up being very riled up about; sounds like there's some general tension between you that maybe you have yet to address to stop being so intense all the time.
you both sound unstable. your boyfriend should sympathize or understand your mental health issues and sensitivities, and with the escalation to slapping and screaming at you sounds like he may be abusive
if this is a reoccuring pattern.
He sounds like the crazy one.>I'm also partially supporting my bf>he screamed at me that he didn't want to be a leech
Yeah, that does it. Most of the time supporting a moid will lead to him disrespecting you. He hates himself and therefore, hates you by extension because he thinks you've lowered yourself to his level. It's obvious from this exchange he's abusive
as fuck, get out while you can.
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If he's not like "fuck yeah" about you, then you say "fuck no"
The annoying thing with men now (and I saw perfect examples of it on here lately) is that they make up a load of psychological babble about their past, their trauma, their ex hurting them blah blah and feed that to you as their excuse for being so flakey with you now. Horseshit. They're playing with your empathy. That way they get to mess you around and still be seen as saintly and 'trying their best to overcome old wounds' It never gets better. They're not healing anything. There are no wounds. His ex was probably fucked around by him too. Unless you can veriify these stories don't buy them.
I was less insulted back when men were flakey but would just shrug their shoulders when asked to explain their behaviour. Now they make up sob stories.
I don't think you're selfish. My first major break up baffled me because nothng terrible happened and I thought we were getting along just fine. I was blindsided by it. In my ignorance (and inexperience I guess) I admittedly did villainize him for leaving just like that. I wish I could sit my younger self down and make her understand lol. I held onto so much bitterness because I thought he couldn't 'justify' leaving. It was dumb of me. You have a valid
reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough reason to leave. Sometimes feelings just change over time and there's no grand cause for why it happened.. but it happened. You're not guilty of doing anything wrong here. Just play fair while sorting out how to part ways in terms of the lease and you're good to go.
He mostly goes on /biz/ because he collects coins and is interested in cryto. Honestly the boards don't even matter because they are all filled with the same mentally ill retarded misogynistic incels. Even in /biz/ every second thread is:>hot_model_shaking_ass.gif>HOW MUCH DO I NEED TO BUY A WOMAN LIKE THIS, BROS?!
And just various posts like this, mostly with (half) naked women and lolicon and other shit like that. He complains to me about posters like that and says he doesn't like them, but he's still on there and looking at it! Like, I just don't get it. You can't compare 4chan to this place either, people on there are genuinely braindead and everyone is addicted to porn. The worst thing you got on here are the husbando tards but those threads can easily be hidden and I never go into those threads. Nobody is posting guys helicoptering his dick or oiling is abs on here.
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what is it like having a best friend nonnas…its been so long. let me live vicariously through you
My boyfriend uses 4chan too and it makes me feel awful because I know the types of posts on there. The way that site is designed is to make you relapse into your porn addiction because coombrained moids will always post pornographic (either soft or hardcore depending on the board) images, which just trains men’s eyes to gawk and stare at women’ in a male gaze-like way, irl women and photos of women online. 4chan dehumanizes women subliminally with its user base, the posters, the images, and the posts themselves. Like, for example, off topic posts about how women should be raped, rating a woman’s body, would/would not have sex, or some other sexual comment like “I want to coom inside her so badly bros”, usually accompanied by a picture (either lewd or non lewd) of a woman. Makes me feel horrible that my boyfriend uses /tv/ and /fit/ and /biz/ — there are usually many posts like that, especially on tv where female celebrities are spammed with some basement dwellers disgusting commentary. Don’t get me started on fit, there’s usually ass shots in spandex or tights. Why are men so awful and drag each other down??
I talked to him about it and all he said was that there will be men posting hot women on any site used by men and they are on twitter, tiktok and facebook too and that I am expecting him to basically never use the internet anymore plus I am controlling him blah blah. Plus I should be glad that he is not watching porn like other men and that I could never find a man who is "as cucked as he is" Because he "censors himself for me already". Then of course he got angry at me for not trusting him and how I need to figure out how to trust him.
I feel very exhausted by it all, I guess its true that you can't really escape sexy pics of women on the internet, but on 4chan it is always so demeaning and disgusting how they talk about women. It just makes me feel sick to think he values the opinions of men like that enough to read their bullshit drivel. For some reason he thinks there are normal people on there.. Yeah right.
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having a best friend is better than having a significant other imo. someone you can always rely on, always geek out about stuff with, always do activities with and not get tired of without the weird familial hangups nor "having" to be around them all the time like a relationship. i love my best friend so much.
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>having 4chancel males as boyfriends
LMFAO the state of you
>>247215 >he said I could never find a man who is
When men say this they are really grasping at straws to try and get off the hook for ongoing shitty behaviour. This is abusive
bf lingo. You'll never find a guy as good as me again… this is as good as it gets so don't even think about leaving! They somehow know all men out there are just as bad if not way worse than they are? What a statement.
You hear this line, you leave. He has no interest in changing, only in manipulating you to stay out of fear of the big bad boogeyman that is… all other men being worse. If he is honestly 'as good as it gets' tell him you're better off alone.
No man using that argument is worth wasting your time on.
Ok defend your moid who obviously hangs out on the most misogynistic parts of 4chan and uses their lingo. Why do anons come here for advice and when you tell them like it is, they whine that their Nigel would never!! even though he obviously does and thats why you are here crying about it?
Its all so tiresome.
Samefag as >>247279
but any 4chan board is worse than watching porn. Check 4chan, anywhere you'll see how they view women as holes and whores to be used and most would rather date trannies because they're so pornsick. I don't trust anyone who uses 4chan not to view porn, their culture is coomer culture.
i know its better. i miss having good friends.>>247254
sounds nice, i hope you can be with them again soon
I don't know if behaviour like this is something you can realistically expect to change if he's older than a teenager and acting like this, habits like this die hard and I've seen men retain them even after a course of marriage counselling made it clear that it was a make or break thing. I've left someone over this myself. Took about 3 years for me to give up fighting a fight where I always lose.
My ex who would prioritize winning arguments over having a productive argument. I felt like I was losing my mind with how there was no give. We'd battle it out with him getting too hotheaded and me just wanting it to cool down. Sometimes once the heat had worn off he would buy me something and that was his unspoken sorry. I knew him offering to buy me something was his work around it and tbh I would much rather just hear the word. One day I looked at a line up of cuddly toys in our room that represented some of those times. I went into our living room which also had some gifts lined up on a shelf and it felt suffocating to see a visual representation of how many times I'd been made to feel lesser. It was taking up room in the house. It was taking up room in my head too but how do you communciate that with a hothead who is always right? You can't. I had to accept that he didn't respect me and that getting respect shouldn't be a battle. >I know that my boyfriend values my opinion very much >gets extremely angry and pissed off when I don't agree with him
Your whole post goes against that first quote. If he's that selective about when he listens to you then that cancels out.
Inconsiderate, bad at communication, dishonest if he's parotting your opinions as his won. Those are some fundamental issues that imo go too deep to invest time in thinking they can be fixed. You should not have to fight this fight. You'll go crazy no matter how you approach this. >It's just such a mindfuck and such weird behavior.
It's emotional abuse.
I didn't say break up. I mentioned relationship counselling as a possibility but was realisitic that it isn't always successful with this issue. That's practical advice. I gave a personal perspective as someone who was in a similar position and shared what conclusion I came to in my own case. Just to give a perspective as someone who has both lived it, fought it, had time to reflect afterwards.
I mentioned that communication, honesty and some of the absolute fundamentals that a relationship is built upon are missing here. I'm saying to recognize this pattern of behaviour for what it is and how much of an upward losing battle it's likely to be. If all you read is 'break up'.. stop shitting on advice when you can't even read.
And nobody is going to die alone just because they left one toxic
nah I'd much rather have a nofap noporn /fit/ bf or an /an/ bf than a reddit coomer who collects 10 tb of leaked onlyfans porn. There are plenty of alright boards, yes some leakage from red boards, but way better than a proud porn addict bf who subscribes to hundreds of different teen destruction subreddits.
Or you know, not date either lmao why chose a porn addict.
Cope about your ex porn addict 4chan scrote, what do you want us to do? Tell him to respect you and other women? Lmao.
Wanting girls here to have a spine =/= femcel. Also no such thing as a femcel exist, stop using your moid bfs 4chan lingo.
You could get a normie who's not addicted to misogynistic websites instead. 4chan and reddit males are faggots and would rather fuck one another than have a respectful relationship with a woman.>>247416
Sound advice. If a man isnt treating you right dump him, trying to fix men just tires women and leads them into being stuck in abusive
relationship because they are taught by the society that its all they can get. There are a lot of men that are going to treat you right, you shouldn't stick with a defective one that should be erased by the genepool by natural selection.
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/Fit/ are the worse coomers of them all since they usually develop bizarre preferences for body types that no human is ever going to meet naturally (extremely muscley and curvy, "high t" which is just extremely morbidly obese in a waist trainer, stick thin with boobs bigger than your head, etc)
At least beastiality coomers know it's wrong and don't act on it, /fit/ dudes just date women and impose their bizarre fetishes on the women they date and manipulate the women into severe body dysmorphia or binge eating disorders, a lot even brag about making their girlfriends gain tons of weight and take breast enhancement pills
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the anons in here remind me of that hysterical "internet hate machine" tv report on 4chan. lots of people go there just to laugh at the absurdity of it all. that one nonna above worded it in a cringy way but she's right that the average "normie" who only has a reddit account for lurking is likely way more of a gross coomer
Cross posting from the vent thread in /ot/:
I went on a date with a man the other week and it was one of the nicest first dates I'd been on. We laughed, had lots of things in common, and shared a kiss at the end. At the end of the date he said he had a great time and that I was easy to talk to, and we planned our second date from there. The night before the second date, he messaged me to say he had to fly to his home town for family reasons, and that he'd message me when he's back in my state. I don't doubt what he was saying was true, the message was thoughtful and he expressed sadness we couldn't see each other as he was really looking forward to it. What I am worried about is that something pretty bad has happened, I know his dad is quite old and probably on his death bed, that's what I'm assuming has happened, and if he dies or something really horrible happens, he won't really be in the state of mind to continue seeing me. It's been nearly a week since he sent me that message, and I'm not going to bother messaging him as he's pretty consistent about getting back to me when he mentioned getting back to me before.
It's just making me sad and unsure because I had a really great time with him and I wanted to explore more of what we could've been, it was really such a nice time and I'm really attracted to him both physically and mentally. I hope that what's happening with him gets resolved, or at least isn't so traumatising that he's going to come back here and have no interest in dating afterwards. My mind is preparing for the worst but it's paining me nonnies.
Of course there's a paranoid part of me that thinks he's using it as an excuse not to see me again but I really doubt that when he gave every indication that he likes spending time with me and wanted to do more of it. He was so respectful and let me kiss him at the end of the night, and the kiss we shared was really something. We didn't want to pull away from each other. He's been going through a hard time in general but still made the effort to meet me and have a good time. He's really all I've been able to think about since, but I don't want to get my hopes up when it's only been one date.
I don't know how much longer to hold on, or if I should just mentally set it aside until he eventually messages again (if he does). But right now it's paining me. Rarely do I meet someone down to earth, not attached to social media, politically aware, animal loving, just an all round good person.
All I can really do is sit and manifest a message from him saying it's all good and he can't wait to see me again.
I'm posting this here because I'm wondering if it's too much to send a message to see how he's going. I know he said he'd message when he returns, but would it be nice? Courteous? It's only been one date but we were chatting a fair bit leading up to it, so I'm just not sure if it's appropriate.
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nuns have done it for centuries, whats stopping weebs?
You sound either really young or really inexperienced or both. Message him, don't, it doesn't matter. A single text will not make or break a nonexistent relationship, no matter how passionate the texting beforehand. Personally I think this sounds fishy, but let's say his dad really is dying. If he wants you to know what's going on and has the capacity to prioritize you right now, he will get back to you. If it's so serious that it makes him want to drop other obligations in the foreseeable future, then oh well, that sucks but things outside our control happen all the time. It's understandable that the pain of losing a parent might outweigh the desire to date, even if he had a good time. He will not be the last man you'll ever have a decent date with. >let me kiss him
Did he "let" you pull out the chair for him and pay for his dinner too? Christ. You're fawning over a guy you barely know. It's one thing to be excited but it's dangerous to idealize strangers this much anon. At best you get your feelings hurt after they fall off the pedestal, at worst it puts you at risk for manipulation and abuse.
Funny, I'm neither young nor inexperienced, I'm actually the opposite. It's just so rare that I meet someone and instantly click, which has me over thinking my actions. I'm worried about coming on too strong, which is what I tend to do when I like someone.
I liked that he let me kiss him because a lot of the first dates I've been on men can get very handsy very quickly, so I enjoyed being around someone respectful of my boundaries. Your response is very bitter, have you been hurt before?
I wasn't attacking you, I was just being blunt. I see you're keen to make personal attacks though. Whether you are or aren't young/inexperienced, the point is that your post makes you sound that way because of how much you're romanticizing this guy. I even explicitly said "It's one thing to be excited" but clearly you're way beyond that point and deeply invested. To feel all this >sad and unsure >traumatising that he's going to come back here and have no interest in dating >all I've been able to think about since>All I can really do is sit and manifest
Over someone you've literally met once is too much. Plus your entire post is about asking whether you should text him or not. If you're so experienced, surely you realize something so minor will have absolutely no bearing on the outcome of this guy's supposed trip and his interactions with you. Come on.
I don't think a "Are you doing alright?" text could be considered clingy or desperate. He's not going to get upset that you care about how he's doing, especially since it didn't sound like he was going to have a good time
If he doesn't reply, do -not- send anything else
Unfortunately very true, nonny
. I think there is a time and a place for reminding people that moids bad and this thread isn't it. It's also the same on any sex or sex fantasy-related threads, people will assume the absolute worst case scenario about your situation or relationship immediately because you're with a man. I get it, I hate most men too, but when nonnas come for advice I think it should be focused on helping them and not preaching about scrotes or how silly and cringe you are for dating men.
You do realise you can't change a person right? Anons come here with their garbage bfs then cry and whine when people tell them to have some self respect. Yeah if he treats her like shit, she sould break up. Has nothing to do with being bitter and jealous, if we were, we would just tell anons to stay being abused.
Maybe, just maybe, we actually care about our fellow women enough to tell them like it is?
nobody is saying any of their bfs are bad, you're literally biased towards thinking all men are bad.
The ability to talk about our boyfriends is degraded and bemoaned by people like you who say 'all men are bad' when you don't realize how good we have it and how happy we are, and you stomp on everyone's stories and you take everything in the worst possible light because of these values that you hold to spite men. When you stop being so hateful and derogatory you might start to understand that not every man is your toxic
Thank you both for the advice! Especially>If he doesn't reply, do -not- send anything else
I already figured this, but it's good you brought it up. The more texts you send through the more desperate you start to look lol.>>247507
I think it's a mix of both. You get some people who will genuinely be nice and try and help, and others who just tear through because they're having a bad day, or that's just how they feel they best give advice. I think with my post I'd cross posted from the vent thread which was way more of a ramble than a concise question asking for advice, which is why anons latched on and responded how they did. I admit it sounded spergy, but I'd think mentioning I'd cross posted it would be enough to explain why I phrased it as is (i.e. just copy and pasted from a thread where you can word vomit your thoughts in that moment). I don't feel as strongly about it even a day later, but that wouldn't be apparent from my post.
so by default>all men are bad
this isn't how it works anon
Warning women their boyfriend's 4chan or porn addiction is dangerous isnt being biased or jealous.
Telling women to break up with men who clearly don't want them or value them isn't being biased.
Telling women to not stay with emotionally and verbally abusive
men isn't jealousy. >>247520
None of these anon complained about simple stuff like toilet seats.
They complain about their bfs always negging them. Humiliating them and arguing with them over their ideas even though they agree to the same ideas with other people around. Giving them them toys and shit like they're consoling a child rather than a woman instead of apologizing to them.
Go defend your /fit/ boyfriend that likes staring at men's muscles more than looking at you or your redditor boyfriend who'd rather masturbate than spend time with you but don't tell women to stay in relationships that clearly ruin their self-esteem and self-respect.
Do you deny that what you said was overblown and too harsh, considering the situation?
Do you agree that there is an epidemic of anons telling women to "break up with their bf" incessantly on /g/ for no reason?
There are rarely ever women posting here who are truly in abusive
relationships with awful men. They are just perfectly normal relationship problems and men being men most of the time. You are jaded and biased and framing things that are posted in the most awful way possible to proof your own bias about men right. You're not helping anyone and I don't think you even want to, you just come here to feel better about yourself by shitting on other women for dating "shitty men" all the while telling yourself that you are so much better off because you don't have a man to be so "abusive
" to you. It's funny tho that you are trying to frame it as you being a good person who is just trying to help while you insult and shame other women.
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I know I shouldn't had to this mess but based post. Why would anyone even post something here if they expected a hugbox à la reddit. I think anons are harsh with men here because society is generally too generous with excusing their behaviour. The poster can choose or not to listen to our advices but I think this thread and lc in general is valuable because you almost never get this perspective from anyone else.>>247485
exactly, I think that women who defends 4chan have not spend a huge amount of time on it and they seems to think that it is just a bit edgy and coomerish (or that memes like >>247481
are an accurate portrayal of the type of post )
. They don't understand that the amount of informations that actually concern the board/thread topic is extremely small and you have to search through all sort of disgusting shit and baits to access it. Anyone who choose to spend time there is not doing it to simply discuss and learn about the board topic because there is just much more efficient ways to do it. That's why anons are imediately concerned when anyone brings 4chan.
I'm not one of the anons that advice breaking up, schizo. I'm simply saying it's not healthy to expect a mentally ill man to treat a woman right.
Women are always expected to stay in shit relationships and fix the men but it only emds up getting worse for them overtime. If a man is shit even in Honeymoon phase, it's not gonna get any better.>>247528
I'm not one of the previous anons so I never insulted women. Take your pills.
Argue on a website with usernames if you want to drag out arguments with the same people. If you want a hugbox to get told how nice your bf is for doing the bare minimum go and make a post on reddit.
How are you even getting “all men are bad” from what was posted?>>247528>omg you must have no boyfriend and are trying to break up totally happy couples!!
Why can’t/don’t you give actual advice in here?
There was a time I noticed just plain trolls in here that were trying to get a rise out of people and bait arguments using other people’s posts usually coincides with angry trannies and goreposting
. It’s unfortunate if some users are afraid of asking for opinions but I think the sentiment here is genuinely caring and supportive even if some people are harsh or just reacting like >>247229
I don't think I've ever posted in this thread before and I just lurk occasionally but if you really think some "break up with him" reactions are understandable. For these cases >>247215
Ran out of arguments, schizo-chan?>>247540
I didn't see anyone accuse anyone of domestic violence. There have been a few emotionally and verbally abusive
men that got posted, ie that what you mean? >>247544
You got to admit >>247229
is hilarious and actually true. Women need to value themselves more. Why would you date a man with an incel mindset who clearly has very bad mental issues that he needs to get fixed before he dates anyone?
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>/ot/ gets a new wave if moids
>/g/ immediately floods in "NOT ALL MEN" statements
I can see how the vagueness of him just saying 'family reasons' is frustrating and leaves you to guess. If you're right and it's his dad I'd say your concerns about him not following up with you are reasonable. Having lost a parent myself while in the middle of an already commited relationship.. even that is messy to navigate. You can be left feeling very detached in the months that follow.
I think one message is fine seeing as you're so in the dark right now. Don't outright ask for details but just say you're thinking about him and hope he's okay, he might then offer up more detail himself. He might not want to land such serious shit on you so soon.
I guess you have to be open to all th possibilities given you don't know him too well yet. Worst case is it might be a cover up for him changing his mind or dating someone else and keeping his options open but I'd give him some time and see how it pans out. Keep yourself busy if you find you're thinking about him too much.
Ayrt. Yes, I love posts like >>247229
because they’re actually so lighthearted and show posters how weird their predicaments are. Like there’s a whole mountain of people that don’t have to deal with 4chan scrotes but posters like >>247548
would want to convince you that your human landmine is just some regular guy.
Ayrt. Yes, I love posts like >>247229
because they’re actually so lighthearted and show posters how weird their predicaments are. Like there’s a whole mountain of women that don’t have to deal with 4chan scrotes but posters like >>247548
would want to convince you that your human landmine is just some regular guy.
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I miss the old days of lc
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I think I really am getting too old for the cattiness on here, it's just so fucking exhausting it makes me tired to just read this shit. I think it's time for a break.
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Had to break up with my longtime partner of 6 years very recently. We still love each other which is why we had to. Turns out he wanted kids, I didn’t. I was very clear and up front about my choice since the beginning and I thought he was too but he was lying to himself and me in order to keep the relationship going. The relationship we had was something I’ll never take for granted. We were each other’s best friends and we were great at communicating. It was a healthy, loving relationship that a lot of people dream of having. Even the break up was so mature and loving, but very heart wrenching.It is so painful knowing he won’t be in my life anymore, at least not for a while. But I want him to be happy cause he deserves it. I know this was the right choice.
I miss him so much. I wish he was honest with me sooner, but I am so grateful for the experience.
see, this is the kind of cynical, jumping-to-conclusions unhelpful "advice" we were talking about. no, you cannot claim he tricked her. people do in fact change their mind about kids all the time but it's almost never the people who never wanted to have them but the "fence sitters" and partners of those people who thought that the relationship was more important to them than kids.
here's some actual advice to the op: as a person who's firm about her desire to not have kids you need to date people who also feel that way from the beginning. not people "who aren't sure", not people who "might want them but might also not" and certainly not people who "used to want them but love you more than the idea of having kids" because they will just end up resenting you for missing out on the opportunity to have children. it's not fair to you and not fair to them. it's not pleasant to hear and it will limit your dating pool significantly but most people do want children and that desire runs deeper than romantic love. anything else than a "fuck no, i never wanted them" to the question "do you want children someday?" probably means "yes", don't kid yourself
you sound insane and almost as if you're doing a parody of what we were discussing earlier in the thread. might as well jump to him having abused her while you're at that.
anyway, no, this is not about defending the scrote. i myself was in a relationship with a man who did not want kids and thought i could be happy without them. i wasn't lying to him, i was lying to myself. no one is to blame in a situation like that. i'm not blaming her either - it's advice that could help her avoid heartache in the future. you have zero constructive advice and just want her to be as bitter and miserable as you clearly are.
Stop picking up fights with every anon that gives advice. You're the reason this thread is shitty as you like to say it is. Fuck off.>>247589
Sounds like he changed his mind, this honestly sounds so sad since you clearly loved each other so much, anon. I hope both of you find people that love you just as much and share the same plans future plans.
>>247581>How can I cut him off in a way that wont devastate me
If by "devastate" you mean "be very sad about it", you're in love with him so there's really no way; if you mean "will lose the ability to love and/or instantly die", any way is going to work because cutting him off isn't going to ruin you. In fact, it's going to improve your life
I don't think you need advice on how to break up with him, you already did it once. You'll become okay with being alone by first being alone, then improving your sense of self-worth. It's a very difficult thing to do, many never reach that point. It's essentially done by becoming the person you want to be, and since it can be a very vague goal a therapist could be the best person to help you. In any case the next step for now is for you to break up with him, and it's going to be much easier than you think because it's really the only thing you can do
Nonnas I need help. I have two female friends who both deal with depression. I like them both a lot, one of them is my best friend. Every time I try to set boundaries, they seem to either don't care or feel attacked. I am always there for my friends, listening if they require someone to vent to, giving advice if they ask for it. I don't judge their various shortcomings because, most of the time, they are not in a good place. The problem is, they are draining me mentally, and I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't just have one evening for myself, watching a movie etc. without getting asked if I want to hang out. I can't have fun with other people because they are always in my messages. And I do ignore it when I'm with other people, but it still is a burden.
I feel like they rely on me to make them happy again, to entertain them when they feel lonely. I do that when I can, but I don't know how to tell them that I, myself, have issues as well and need some time to myself. Especially right at that moment, when they ask me to do stuff. Maybe someone has a similar issue and has some tips for me?
One of them went to therapy last year, the other one is on meds, so it's not that they are doing nothing, but it's not enough, and I know this. I guess they know as well, but I don't know that.
I'm already trying to keep my distance as much as possible, I only see them very rarely since a few weeks ago. But it's hard because of social media and me not having a lot of other friends to be honest.
It's not that I don't see the toxic
behavior as well. The silent treatment when I won't do what they want (aka give them my full attention).
I have issues with this too nonna, previous boyfriends who couldn't even be bothered to hide stuff properly so I'd always have to find out about cheating via his phone or pc. Did the same with my current bf only to find normal stuff or texts from his mom.
Hopefully you finding that can help you break the snooping/paranoid habits now that you know there was nothing shady on his phone. It's a very difficult habit to break.
You at least apologized to her, right? I don't know if it's something you can really undo. You were drunk and made really poor decisions. It's happened to a lot of people. So while this should definitely be a lesson for you to monitor your intake so it doesn't inhibit your impulse control, I think the best thing for you to do right now is just apologize and give her space. Don't try to do anything else right now. She's still processing things and she may be open to talking to you again after, or not. And that's something you need to accept. After some time, if she wants to talk again, ask her for a do-over. Take her on a nice date with no pressure. Maybe for lunch or some other public place like you had been doing before this happened where she was more comfortable. And if that happens, then make sure to ask her if she wants to talk about it and if she's doing okay, and apologize again for crossing the line. Don't try to pretend it didn't happen or it's no big deal hoping it will make the meeting easier, because it clearly upset her and you need to let her speak about it if she wants to, and let her know that you regret your actions. But if she doesn't want to talk about it, then offer your apologies and move on from it, don't force her to talk about something that hurts her. And don't beg for her to come back, the point of apologizing is not to win her back, but to let her know that she matters to you and you regret hurting her. If she's not open to meeting up again, I wouldn't push it. At all. It won't make your situation any better. I also wouldn't recommend giving her a gift with your apology. Because every time I've received gifts from exes it always made me really uncomfortable and brought up bad memories, it didn't change how I felt about the person and I felt like they were trying to manipulate me, maybe that's just the paranoid side of me but imo wouldn't risk doing that.
Try using something other than tinder, if you're really interested and serious in finding someone it may even be worth paying for a service like erharmony because people there are more likely to be looking for something actually serious.>they ghost me after weeks
they wanted you to be a fuck buddy and you didn't put out enough. its not you really, just finding the wrong people for now.
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Is my bf having this picture on his computer worth breaking up over
AYRT and Nonnie
this is such a nice and well thought out response. Thank you so much for this!
Are you joking? I genuinely can't tell.
Breaking up over cat girl drawings is straight up bpd psychotic.
Oooof, been there nonnie
. I had a best friend who ended up in a psych ward weeks before we had planned to move states together. I was her only friend left.
It's so hard, but ultimately if all they are doing is dragging you down, you need to let them go. It'll hurt them, sure, but you need to look out for yourself first. You can do this two ways, either distance yourself gradually or sit them down and tell them as much as you love them you do have to put your mental health first. You can't be expected to carry them both. I really do empathise, this is a situation where no one wins. Good luck
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Its a dumb eroge, probably the most popular one at that, it's insane and chronically online to assume every single retarded horny weeb is a channer-troon-sociopathic-abuser, dude had a screenshot not even the actual game.>inb4 scrote
im not a man.
Firstly I think everyone should ignore the dick swinging troll from yesterday and his overreacting nonnie
Anon, you should point out to him his hypocrisy if he’s suggested what you said in the past. It is unnecessary drama if she is jealous of you and not having a bad day for other reasons —but, the best way to go about this is probably to be open to being her friend. That way, if she is hung up on your bf, it’ll be clear and he’ll have to turn her away himself. Alternatively, if he enjoys it you can dump him and leave them in their obvious shamble of relationship management.
You might also bring up how crap her own boyfriend is. If she gets defensive over him, she’ll definitely not be into yours. If she otherwise opens her eyes, you’ll have saved her from that guy, which is also nice. Of course this is all based on my little understanding of what happened that day.
I’m anon >>247713
and really appreciate everyone’s responses. I gave it a good night’s rest, and still feel so consumed by the situation this morning.
Is it a terrible idea to tell him that it’s fine if he continues this friendship, as long as I’m not involved with it at all anymore? I do trust him not to cheat on me, I just don’t think I can handle dealing with his ex-fling’s empty words of pretending to want to be friends with me while shooting daggers at me.
I almost want my bf to catch her trying to make a move, tbh… I want him to see her foxy behavior for himself, because men are terrible at picking up on it unless it’s direct. >>247794
We had plans to go see her as just “a friend I knew from high school” until he let it slip later that he actually had a “flirtationship” type thing with her. I want to know why he’s so intent on this working out when we as people barely have anything in common.
He gets off on having both of you compete and doesn't care about either of you. >>247798
Why does he want to be friends with her in the first place????
>just “a friend I knew from high school” until he let it slip later that he actually had a “flirtationship” type thing with her.
He fucked her and he is just not telling you and only giving you slight 'hints' about it.
>Is it a terrible idea to tell him that it’s fine if he continues this friendship, as long as I’m not involved with it at all anymore?
I'm sorry but you seem like a pushover, please stand up for yourself more. Why would you do this to yourself?
>I do trust him not to cheat on me
Are you sure? Why is he pushing you to be friends with an ex fling? Does he just need the green light from you?
>I almost want my bf to catch her trying to make a move, tbh… I want him to see her foxy behavior for himself, because men are terrible at picking up on it unless it’s direct.
No, he initiated and agreed to reinstate this 'friendship' with her, he knows she will flirt with him because they already have premeditated sexual chemistry. He's not oblivious, you are.
I hate being so upfront and direct usually but this really smells bad anon. Please either stand up to him or just find someone who actually respects you.
samefag but sorry for seeming so rude, I can just tell that you're about to get hurt in some way or another by this guy and you do seem like a really nice and sensitive person and I truly don't want to see you get heartbroken nonnie
Sounds like he's the type of guy to have a girlfriend as a placeholder, while he still lusts over other women and enjoys the shitshow that ensues.>I want him to see her foxy behavior for himself
Don't blame the woman. Yeah, she might be not be completely innocent but in the end it's your boyfriend who is choosing to actively pursue her and bring her into your lives. If I were you I'd break up with him. Not because he might potentially cheat, but because of how he reacted when you brought up your concerns to him. He's trying to push your boundaries. He's a huge ass.
I want to add to all the other anons telling you to trust your gut feeling here. Is that woman a person he had a continuous friendship before he started dating you, or did he just now decided to rekindle the old friendship? If it's the latter especially I think there should be zero issue if you say you don't want both of you to continue being friends with these people.
One thing I gotta say though, I honestly admire how confident you are in your trust for your boyfriend, this is such a healthy thing to have. Our advices are not so much about "don't trust your boyfriend", more so "trust yourself".
To be honest it reminds me of something that happened to me, spoiler for blogpost I started dating a guy and few months in he introduced me to his friend and her fiancé, first time we met I instantly felt she doesn't like me, which made me think the same thing as you did, that she's jealous. Boyfriend though insisted on us hanging out together more, and ever since on every later meeting and hangout she was the nicest, kindest person to me, I wholeheartedly believed she actually became my friend too. Just to find out about a year and half later that her and my boyfriend were having sex behind my and her fiancé's back the entire time. That's why in these cases I think we all really should not discard these gut feelings, even if for anyone on the "outside" it would sound completely baseless
>>247796>I want him to see her foxy behavior for himself, because men are terrible at picking up on it unless it’s direct.
They're honestly not terrible at it, nona. Men know what they want and how they're being talked to, they're not the dumbdumb penisbrained caveman they want you to believe. I'd also still question why he is so insistent on him and you being friends with a past fling of his - it never really ends well, especially considering he wanted you to cut ties with one of your friends.
This stuff either works both ways, or it doesn't work at all. He can't tell you that he wants you to cut off your friend yet expects you to be fine with one of his female friends. It's not fair and to me, it absolutely sounds shady.
I had a similar experience with my ex who would question every single male friend I had, whilst at the same time ignoring me if I ever tried to question the fact he would go out by himself and see a female 'friend' of his. I was dumb and 17 and ignored all of those signs because I wanted to be Cool Girl and put too much trust in him when I was given nothing in return. I found out that he did cheat on me with a different woman, but I'm also willing to bet he cheated with that 'friend' too. Not directly accusing your bf of cheating, but given this situation and the way his little 'friend' looks at you I would absolutely be thinking something is up.
We've evolved to allow our brains and gut instincts to tell us things subconsciously. Society tries to tell women that their instincts are wrong, that they're overreacting, but if you learn anything today please try and learn to listen to your gut. You are allowed to have those feelings and explore them further - hopefully it leads to nothing bad, but don't ever let anyone tell you you can't investigate your gut instincts for whatever reason.
I think many of us can say that if we actually trusted our instincts and investigated stuff we would have found out about being cheated on, lied to etc much MUCH earlier. You sound like a great person to have so much trust in him but you should also never let that trust override what your brain and body is telling you subconsciously. Don't ever feel like you're being too nosy, too dramatic, too insecure etc because of this.
He told me at first that they hadn’t talked in 4 years before recently. So I asked, who decided to reach out first? And he said that he couldn’t remember. I said I found it very hard to believe that after 4 years of no contact, he can’t remember who contacted first like a month ago? And then he clarified that apparently for a while, they had been commenting on each other’s social media posts “hey, how are you? We should hang out sometime!” And just decided to take concrete actions to pursue that recently. They hung out one-on-one without him telling me first a couple weeks ago, but he says he was under the impression that her fiancée would be coming too.
And thank you so much for sharing your story. That’s…. eerily similar to my case. >>247801
. And thank you everyone ITT. I needed to hear all of this. I’m a pushover to everyone in my life, not just him. I’m not sure why I was so afraid to trust my intuition and set these boundaries.
I actually have a toxic
story of my own to add. I had a 'fling' with a guy friend of mine from uni, sure it wasn't sleeping with eachother but it was definitely kissing etc. (I cheated on my bf doing this)
I insisted to my bf that we should all be friends, he was mad at me about it and I just got madder at him for not 'trusting me'. We're not together anymore, and I can truly admit now that I really wanted to be with that other guy more than I wanted to be with my bf. I knew my bf was a bit of a loser and would say yes to anything I proposed, but I really just wanted to spend more time with the other guy. I think your bf has different intentions with this person and they're probably more severe than you think. I may be wrong, maybe he truly doesn't have feelings for her and just enjoys their friendship. But the fact that you mentioned that he doesn't want you to be friends with other guys yet insists that you be friends with this woman, seems fishy. I did that to my bf too, I was possessive over women he talked to yet wanted him to be friends with the guy I was cheating on him with (wtf right? I know I know). I was a toxic
girlfriend back then, I understand how I was and I've changed, so I can tell you now that it seems like there's a lot more to this than just being her friend..
>>247808>They hung out one-on-one without him telling me first a couple weeks ago, but he says he was under the impression that her fiancée would be coming too.
He probably is telling the truth there, but SHE intentionally didn't come with her fiance because she likes your bf and wanted a one on one. Even if he is telling the truth there in this way, he is actually just exposing her liking him.
(also why were they secretly commenting on each others social media posts??? did you know about this as it was happening a while ago???)
Oh no… while I could actually be kind of neutral on "I don't remember who messaged who first" kind of thing (as it doesn't really matter who was first if the conversation continued, right?), the fact that they met without you AND without you even knowing that it happened, is a big red flag in my opinion.
Just by questioning all this and not meekly accepting the situation, you're showing that you're not actually a pushover anon. You want and you can do something good for yourself. Just keep on going now!
The whole situation is so off-putting here. Your boyfriend is literally saying "Okay, this woman, her fiancee and her fiancee's friends are going to be our friends now. Be friends with all of them and her. Also, I want you to do this in spite of me and her having a flirtatious past, and the fact we hung out alone, behind your back."
Anon, you need to understand this whole package that is now in YOUR lap and under YOUR consideration. Are you going to accept it as-is? You're fully within your rights to read this situation and say "No, I don't like it", and your boyfriend should honor that.
This is one hell of a bad situation if you feel like you can't bring it up, like you'd feel stupid for talking about it, or for any reason, feel like in lieu of your distaste for the situation, can't get out of it.
The ball is firmly in YOUR COURT, and YOU need to make the final call.
Is this what you truly want?
>>247796 >men are terrible at picking up on it unless it’s direct
Idk anon he's acting dodgy and you're giving him alot of leeway to just be seen as a fumbling scrote who can't read signals.. but then you're going off of a vibe or a gut feeling and assuming the worst about the woman. It's off balance to think she's some vixen and he's just naive. Your bf owes you his honesty and faithfulness, not her. If he held back info and you only found out when he 'let it slip' then that's a legit problem to address with him. Shit like that snowballs and ruins trust but be careful not to misplace the blame onto third parties. You can't steal a man who refuses to be stolen. >So I asked, who decided to reach out first? And he said that he couldn’t remember. I said I found it very hard to believe that after 4 years of no contact, he can’t remember who contacted first like a month ago?
This is dodgy too, it doesn't sound realistic that he'd forget. Tell him you need this question answered and you're not taking 'I dunno' as a legit answer. I would bet that he's the one who reached out and he's feigning forgetfulness to avoid an argument. SO he's dumb, he can't read signals, he can't remember detals, he forgot to tell you stuff, he has no idea why you 2 wouldn't love to hang out… he's really playing up the dumb act and giving you nothing in terms of reassurance or solutions to a scenario he created and then thrust you into.
Isn't it funny how men think all women are flirting with them… Until you actually are trying to get with them and suddenly "you have to directly tell me!!! I can't read signals!" kek
9/10 times when men act this way it's because they want to manipulate you to see how desperate you are and how far you will be willing to go for them. Don't feed into it, just ignore him and watch him crawl. I caught so many men who "couldn't read signals" by ignoring them
How long have you both been together?
It's really hard to word my answer to this because I'm a sperg but I think depending on who you ask, everyone will have a different answer to this. I'm personally someone who, if I'm having a big night out with friends I'll put my phone away and then have moments where I check a message, then someone irl will say something to me, so I'll put my phone away then tell myself (and later forget) that I will respond to the message at some point. I've also been the person who obsessively texts and worries about the partner who is out. I don't think it's healthy on your end to worry so much about another adult going out and having fun with friends, and I know you know, deep down, you're not "hoping she's home safe" but you're moreso wondering what she's doing without you.
When we're confident that the people we love, love us back, we're not waiting on texts at check points of the night, waiting desperately to hear back from them to be validated in the idea of "I know they're having fun with friends but deep down all they want is to be with me right now". Maybe it's a stretch, but looking back I know these were my thoughts when I was in the same position you were. And I also know how easy it is to lie to yourself and say that you're doing this out of "care" for them and "worrying about their safety". No, you're not, they're an adult, and they've survived pretty well up until you got here.
This turned into a rant so sorry but the point I'm trying to make is yes, you're being possessive, and that's not necessarily something to panic over. I don't think you're so much worried about them cheating as you are worried that them being without you is more enjoyable of them being with you. And that's a very daunting feeling, but is something worth recognising and letting yourself sit with for a bit. It's best to examine your own feelings first, and why you feel the need to be her only friend.
Lastly, she would not be the same interesting person you are into if she did not have her friends and her social life without you. If you were the only person she ever had extended social interaction with, I guarantee you wouldn't like her nearly as much.
I’m anon >>247713
and I decided it would only be fair to come back with an update for the nonnies who helped me confront this situation.
I ultimately expressed my discomfort again, this time much more clearly and directly. This time I ended by saying that while I trusted him to make his own decision regarding this situation, I would not be making contact with that party any further.
I was so nervous, but he actually responded by telling me that he was glad I spoke up about this and told him exactly how I felt. (Yesterday I was more emotional, wishy-washy, and indecisive with my expression.) He said that he could tell I was uncomfortable with their communication, so he will be reducing communication with her and eventually cutting her off.
I love and appreciate all you nonnies who came forward with your stories and words of advice. I’ll try to be more forward with setting boundaries from now on
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please help me figure this out nonnas
I don't know how many times someone has to lie and/or how quantifiably significant the lies have be to earn them the pathological/compulsive liar title, but my boyfriend has lied one too many times for my already limited liking.
Very recently, he lied about having gotten home earlier than usual. We often get home around the same time, me arriving some 10 minutes or so earlier. I got home and he was already there. I didn't go in because I forgot I needed to buy some stuff so left again and called him while on my way to the store. He didn't pick up. I don't think much of it. When I get back I ask him about it and he tells me he was driving and that's why he didn't pick up and that he had JUST gotten home a few minutes ago. Obviously this is bullshit because I had already seen his car home some 30 minutes ago. I'm immediately irate because I was caught off guard. Why lie about this? couldn't and still can't think of a logical reason. I wasn't being accusatory when I asked about it, so it made no sense. I told him I wasn't crazy but to this day he denies having been home early, and of course I don't have proof because how would I have known he would lie about that?
Anyways, now onto what I'm really having a difficult time with. Late last night we were chitchatting and I told him I wanted more information about something he had mentioned. He tells me he would ask this "guy" he knew then paused and said, "well" "this girl", and continued on. I dont know what to make of it, if anything. Does he feel guilty about having lied and this is how he makes up for it? did my almost breaking up with him scare him into being more honest? did he realize he may have a problem with honesty and is trying to be better now? Or could something more nefarious be going on? Before this, he hadn't mentioned any woman so I assumed he didn't know any. On one hand, it's nice he decided to be honest and hope he keeps it up, on the other, makes me wonder why he was going to lie and refer to her as a "guy". Also makes me wonder how many of those guys hes mentioned before are actually women.
forgot to mention that i almost broke up with him over the first incident. decided not to. explained that i wasn't angry he didn't pick up. just angry at him lying about the reason he didnt.
but now he tells me about this girl, which makes me think me telling him "i wasn't angry he didn't pick up. just angry at him lying about the reason he didnt" was reassuring enough to tell me the gender of the person, which he hadn't before for whatever reason. but because i'm a worst case scenario type of person, it makes me think that reason must be a bad one. why be afraid of disclosing the gender of a friend/etc to you partner unless something inappropriate was going on? no im not intimidating or threatening. or what if he thinks if he tells me abt her it will make me less suspicious of her? or trust him for longer/give him the benefit of the doubt if something questionable ever does happen?
sorry sorry my brain is stuck on overdrive rn trying to decipher this
He doesn't care about you.
“Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.”
— Charlie Chaplin
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He’s lied 2 times now and both times denied denied denied when confronted. insignificant stuff like this last lie. I don’t know if that’s too small a number or not but it’s enough to make me not trust him as much and wonder what else he could be lying about or have gotten away with lying about. Irrespective of the past lying, what would you think if your boyfriend went “this guy I know…well, girl I know, yada yada yada”? That’s mostly what I have an issue with right now. Keep in mind I don’t know this person so I wouldn’t have known any better if he just referred to her as a guy>>248037
Yeah maybe but it’s only because of the times he lied to me. I have some questions regarding this person but don’t want to scare him off from being honest again. If anything I want to encourage him and see it’s nbd…. but I don’t know if this decision might come bite me in the ass later on
nonna… I appreciate your advice and know you mean well, but that's not what I'm asking about at the moment>he now knows he can get away with lying
maybe you're right, not saying you're not, but see how him telling me the gender of this person he knows I don't know unprompted seems contradictory?
Agreed with >>248169
you're wasting your own time by staying with him a year just to put off the annoyance of a breakup. Put on your big girl pants and rip off the band-aid so you can work toward your goal of getting married.
Ayrt. Context helps a lot, these kind of details matter to get good advice. If she accuses her ex of being very abusive
and assaulting her, and then wants to meet up for drinks with him there, it's pretty clear she does not fear him. Add that to her getting others to harass you and it's evident to me that her claims are exaggerated if not completely fictional. It makes more sense now, you probably got harassment from her and her friends because they are the ones she's seeking attention from, getting her friends to pity her and cape for her is definitely the kind of attention an attention seeker thrives off of.
Wtf nona. That's pretty disturbing if he was still into it after you were telling him no. People that care about you wouldn't be pushing you do sexual things you didn't want to. He's testing the waters of what you're willing to put up with rn, if you do not stand firm he will 100% try to badger you into taking things further & if you give in, even if you don't want to he will try to convince you you wanted it (he's already done
Stand strong nonna, do not devalue yourself and your wants for someone else.
He’s acting shitty. It’s fine and realistic to say you “prefer” your partner one way or another, but to lose attraction for them entirely just because of a haircut is shallow. Not only that, but he’s balding permanently while you’re just temporarily shaved because of his fuck up. If you want to see if the relationship improves again, you can have a come to Jesus talk and explain that you’ve been feeling neglected and less prioritized. If he steps it up again because he’s just been distracted or had to get used to the new look, that’s maybe forgivable. But people show you how much they value you by their effort (or lack of it) so if he continues to be flippant afterwards it’s time to move on.
I’ve sort of been there too, if not literally then in theory. One of my exes used to be really fixated on being slender and would compliment my figure. It was always specifically about how thin I was so I asked him at one point if I got fat for whatever reason would he still be into me and he said he’d still care about me but honestly, not as much. Ended up being one of a few reasons I broke up with him. Attraction on some level is important but I think people who only base it on a single feature are dumb. I have been in relationships with men who were decidedly not fit but there were other things about them which I genuinely found appealing. None of us are going to remain flawless when we’re in nursing homes so if his time and affection are solely dependent on something as meaningless as hair length then he’s not worth your time imo.
>>248215 > ..let me just jerk him off
You ought to stop the interaction as soon as you're feeling scared/pushed. Like end the whole session and don't just switch to a different activity. It's not good for your mental state in the long run to carry on. You're feeling scared and yet you still prioritize his pleasure in that moment.. it's messed up that this type of thing isn't even uncommon in inexperienced women. Stop putting his feelings above your own. This shit can be really damaging for you in the long run. >I told him it's okay but to not do that again
See it's not okay, don't give conflicting messages where you're too forgiving but at the same time expecting him to change. If you forgive so readily then he won't respect that there's a boundary was even made. Be clear that he was going the absolute wrong way about initiating it and it was not okay. "Not okay, never do that again" Be stern about it. No woman ever looked back and regretted having strong sexual boundaries but plenty regret being too soft and polite about this.
Nta but my boyfriend grew a moustache that was so hideous I was considering breaking up with him, because he said he wanted to keep it forever. I know it's shallow but I really really hate facial hair, especially moustaches. They just looks so disgusting and silly. Took him from a 10 to a 4. So idk, if something really irks you then I'd see it as a valid
reason to break up.
Thankfully he shaved lol.
Sure it's valid
, but he's not doing that. Instead of just breaking up he's spending less time with her and stringing her along by lying. Looks are important for a lot of people in relationships, I get it, but as you say that doesn't change the fact if your affection is based on something so shallow then you never really loved them in the first place. Anon seems to want something deeper and was fine with a balding partner, while this guy apparently can't muster affection for her if she's temporarily shaved. They want different things from a relationship and if he's too lazy to pull the plug because it gets him laid now and then, she ought to.
You're not abusive
for acknowledging the reality that this guy is a retard. He
for constantly smashing phones and shrieking at you and holding your belongings hostage like the unhinged manchild he is though. Start looking at apartments, roomshares, whatever you can afford and just leave without alerting him beforehand. >I'm wondering why someone would be so fucking dumb all of the time
Because scrote? Who cares nonny
, please get away so you're safe as soon as you can
I had this same situation with my ex when we were 15. We dated for many years so as we got older I actually asked him about it, he said that basically animalistic instinct kicked in from being super inexperienced and he had no idea what to do and just really wanted sex.
Ideally he should have been focusing on pleasuring you first and being courteous by pleasuring you, but this guy sounds super inexperienced with sex which can result in situations like this. The fact that he apologised and now that you've voiced your concern is good, however if it happens again, it's probably more than just inexperience and you just have mismatched sex drives and he has no idea how to manage it. If you genuinely believe he's a cool guy and you enjoy time with him, now that you have in the back of your head that he's somewhat virginal, guide him next time and tell him what to do first before he gets too horny and starts doing instinct shit.
Good luck anon.
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okay so, I need to know if I should stay with my current boyfriend or not.
We've been together for almost four years and tbh he is great; wants to get married, has a very nice looking dick with great size and girth , has a stable job so he literally pays for everything like rent, food, etc. but he doesn't appreciate me being a "meangirl" in general. Like I am extremely opinionated, very heavy on gatekeeping fatties, weebs, queers, degens, like minorities in general. And his worry is that this "hate" I have will extend into other things in our lives like if I was suddenly going to become racist or something, which personally I don't care as long as you don't attack the person you hate you can have that hate, that's my philosophy. So it just doesn't sit well with him and it kinda bums me out, I should be able to have any preference and likes, I'm very anti "accepting everything and everyone" because that shit leads into the tranny/degenerate problem we currently have in the world.
So I'm very torn, should I leave to hate in peace or stay because he is genuinely good and takes care of me?
I mean to be honest it sounds a lot like your actual world view versus his. Which is a huge thing.
Sleep on it for a little while and imagine your conversations in the future, do you see yourself in a constant state of frustration and selective mutism? If your forever partner is not your best friend then I don't really see how it could work, and convenience is never a sure enough reason to cling onto people.
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Are you really tossing up between staying with your boyfriend who loves and takes care of you and being alone and a total bitch? Did your emotional development stop in high school?
If you would rather throw away four years of your life and a relationship you’re happy in than undergo a slight attitude adjustment, be my guest. From the sounds of it you’re an outwardly negative person and he’s probably getting tired of listening to your mean girl act anyway.
I'll give you that, I'm a total bitch. But I'll take >>248431
anon's advice and sleep on it. I legit didn't think I'd get good advice but thanks for proving me wrong anons muawh.
>>248436>calling anon a total bitch and telling her to shutup
so your advice is to gaslight herself and not be able to be open with her boyfriend?
If you can't even discuss your opinions openly with your bf then what's even the fucking point? Shutting yourself up so you 'look better' and make this soyboy less 'uncomfortable'? Fuck that shit, go out and find someone who actually cares about what you think and say.
To give some perspective from the other side, you sound a lot like one of my exes and while this wasn't his biggest fault, it was a major factor in why we broke up. I don't have an issue with strong opinions, but to me it's exhausting to be around haters. Would I wipe troons off the face of the planet if I could? Sure. But I see no point in discussing the finer details of why I dislike them with my partner every other day. It achieves nothing and I could be focusing on things I actually want to foster instead. It's not fun to be around a festering ball of hatred unless you yourself are also a festering ball of hatred, and even then I think people like that are mostly kidding themselves. It is possible to hold firm beliefs without wasting so much energy on the very people you supposedly want nothing to do with. What if you had a kid and they became a fat anime-loving tranny? Would you immediately kick them out or would you try to understand what happened in an attempt to help them? When you're with someone like you, it's hard to determine when you're just venting or if you'd actually abandon a loved one if they dared hold a different opinion or gained some weight. No one wants to feel like their partner would ditch them over arbitrary bullshit.
Obviously I don't know you personally, I don't know how often you rant to your partner, how extreme they are, but if he's bringing it up clearly it's wearing on him. Positive people are hard to find anon and if it's bothering you to be with one by all means move on and find some depressive scrote who'll just complain with you all day. Sounds miserable to me though.
you're assuming she's >a festering ball of hatred
when all she said in OP was that her opinions are different than her bf's. She could be quiet as fuck but if she does wish to talk about some creepy shit she saw online her soft society bf is just going to grimace at her. THATS the problem. Shes found herself someone who doesn't match her views.
seems like a relationship thats bound to break sooner or later.
Id say its better to abort the ship now instead of waiting and mopping around for when you two finally call it quits.
I'd keep an open mind. I've been on the other side. I have an ex who assaulted me twice in a 2 1/2 year period of living together. He left me for another woman and my dilemma was then whether to warn the new gf seeing as he was moving straight in with her and her kids. I asked on here and people said not to risk it because new gfs tend to shoot the messenger "don't worry babe she's mental, she's a pathological liar" I knew I'd be reduced to a bitter ex or some flavor of mentally ill if I put my neck on the line so I left it. There's always that risk that your character will be lied about or anything you've done in your past used against you, that the guy might just make up shit to people and they'll buy it. I think given all the cons of putting yourself out there and warning someone I would at least keep that info stored away with a 'maybe' hanging over it. He might be telling the truth or he might be doing that textbook thing of finding ways to label her mental and dishonest. It's hard to know the difference, especially when you also have a bias on your hands from liking the guy and not having any great attachment to her.
And tbh my ex who assaulted me helped me move place months after we broke up. No part of me expected him to assault me once we were already exes so I feel like meeting you both in a public space isn't a sign she never had to fear him or was never hit. Men who assault their romantic partners during heated rows often wont assault you once you're no longer seen as as theirs anymore. She's out of the danger zone already. It's more extreme cases of DV that leave women living in fear long afterwards. That's not across the board.
Only time will tell you whether she was being honest or not, which is frusrating but better than jumping the gun.
Regardless of an attitude problem that some might argue you have.. underneath that you're two people with views that are likely to clash more seriously with age or when you start thinking about commitment. If your bf worries that your views are hateful he's more likely to be the one to walk out over them.
I've essentially overlooked views that I thought were hateful in an ex.. in the back of my mind I kinda knew we had an expiration date so I let it go. If I saw a real future togther I would've cared more.. but then those views were a large part of why I saw no future lol. Certain views need to line up if you're serious about each other.
I've met men who simp for fat girls, you'd be surprised >inb4 it's their fetish
that's the point, lots of men will simp for ugly and fat uggos because they can't lay off the porn
this is completely and unequivocally false lol
you've never met a man in your life
Some men have a fetish for fatties but they're never ugly either. >>248582
So a man stands his gfs annoying complaining, negativity, acts like a servant to her and does everything she wants but you think that's because she's lazy and ugly?
This sounds like my exact situation right now. Like you, I also wanted to have hope that with enough communication, he'd see why things are getting fucked up between us, but truthfully, now I think it's hopeless and don't see things getting any better, so I plan on breaking up with him too. If they don't care enough to put any effort into fixing things, why should we be taking the brunt of that and stay in such a draining relationship?
Also, I'm not sure if any of this would be true in your case, but it's gotten progressively worse with my bf's behavior. First it was constant arguments over obscenely trivial things, then straight up insults and criticism, and now it's definitely crossed into emotional abuse and manipulation with things like sex (for example, I also don't want sex much anymore due to how he treats me, so now he'll say things like he'll only "consider" ending an argument if I suck his dick moments after he just insulted me and called me worthless and annoying). I hope it doesn't get abusive
for you, but regardless, breaking up sooner than later is best since there's a large chance things will only continue going downhill if he sees no issue with himself.
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I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. Things have been really hard since we're long distance (different countries) and were planning on getting married and looking to move in together this year. We visit each other plenty of times and have never really had any deep issues irl that I've noticed. We've probably spent about a 4-5 months together irl to be fair though. I know the long distance thing is retarded but I'm so invested and genuinely love him that I was willing to make it work out. It has worked out fine until recently.
He's been rather non communicative and affectionate since last year or so. It's gotten so bad recently that
>he refuses to hang out with me for more than an hour on the days we can hang out (only the weekends)
>postponed valentines plans only to ditch me after hanging out for an hour
>disengaged in daily conversations, wont even message me if i dont message him first
>refuses to take interest in things i enjoy
>doesn't seek out or rejects intimacy from me
I don't think he's cheating on me he's too autistic.
I confronted him about it. It just leads to endless cycles of arguments where he says he's too tired to talk about it or I pick the wrong times to talk about it. I've deeply expressed how unwanted and how I don't feel like he's putting any effort in our relationship. I've tried leaving him but I can't keep him blocked and I beg him to block me but he refuses to and then tells me I am not trying to talk it out.
At this point I have no idea what's going on, he tells me I'm the only person he wants… yet he refuses to tell me he wants me to come over next month (which I already have a booked plane ticket too…) or tell me he loves me. He says he's unsure of what to do since I was expecting him to propose next month and he's uncertain now because of how unstable we've been together.
I tried to call him today to talk about things but he said no and that he was going to get dinner with someone which hurt me.
I don't think I could continue being with him if he didn't propose next month though. Our plans were to get engaged next month and then try living together for a year before marriage. We don't fight like this IRL and it's a lot easier to express love when you're together than online. This long distance shit is retarded. I wish I could just move on but I love him a lot and I don't know what to make of anything. I don't want to live a life not knowing what could have been, yet it feels like he doesn't care. I don't know how this looks outside my perspective so I wanted to see what others think.
Honestly anon? It sounds horrible. I don't know how you've dealt with that for an entire year and I'm sorry to hear about it. I don't really have great advice other than to give my perspective like you asked - It looks like he's given up on the relationship. Regardless of if he's cheating or not, he's treating you extremely poor and coldly. No one who loves their partner will put them through that (no communication, not saying "I love you," ditching you on important days, etc.)
I understand you don't want to live with what ifs, but I'm worried for how he'd treat you IRL after spending more time together. If he's capable of this over text, he will be able to in person as well. As much as you love him, is that really something you want to put up with?
You say that the relationship is better in person, and that he is autistic and can't/refuses to communicate well when he isn't in person.
The picture you paint here makes it seem like he has lost interest in the relationship, but hasn't built up or doesn't have the courage to end things.
Its a 5 year relationship and this is just a message board, but from what you're saying, it sounds like your needs aren't being met after you excplicitly tried to draw attention to them. Either put your foot down harder or think about moving on.
Yeah, seconding this. I don't think you need to kick him to the curb anon, but keep this in mind. I was in your shoes once, and the thing is, my ex's ~crazy ex~ who claimed he cheated and lied to her really did turn out to be a shitty person who did some actual "crazy ex gf" things. We were all friends for a while, and I learned firsthand that she was a cold, manipulative, attention-hungry person, even outside of relationships. And she really did do the big crazy thing he and his parents told me she did (sent a letter to his parents after they broke up detailing the shitty things he did in a very inappropriate way, calculated for maximum cruelty/embarassment). She was narc-ish, desperate, and irritating, and he was loving, sweet, and wonderful. But he really did cheat and lie the way she said he did. And after a few years, he did the same thing to me. Sometimes, the ex can be a shit person and also be telling the truth.
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I'm devastated, yesterday I found a letter that my sister wrote about me, it was a "roast" written in a "lolcow" style, at first it made me laugh but the more I read the more really hurtful things she said about me, it got worse and worse, I ended up breaking down and crying, I never thought that someone so close, who knows me so well, would say those things, it was horrible. I tried to justify it, but I don't know why anyone would write all that about their own sister in the first place, joking or not, and considering the very personal things she said, I don't think it was a joke.
When I went to confront her about it, she just started gaslighting me ("it's just words", "it's no big deal", "you're overreacting") apparently all this originated from some changes I made to a personal fanfic, I don't know how a fanfic caused so much anger from her, to a point to write such a letter.
I tried to sleep but I only had nightmares, I'm quite stressed but mostly depressed. I don't think she understands the damage she has done to me, she humiliated me.
What should I do nonnas? did my sister really have bad intentions? should i keep talking to her? I don't want to even get close to her, it scares me what she might be thinking of me
I’m so sorry nona. It’s a daunting shock to see someone so close have a weird view or opinion of you, like she of all people should understand/know you better right? I think if you can’t be around her for now, don’t force yourself to. She might be embarrassed and so isn’t engaging with it seriously enough to see how it affected you. It could also just indeed be a lack of respect to foster a boundary for that kind of judgment. Since she’s your sister, I do recommend trying again, maybe in a letter so you don’t have to confront her about it? Detail what each statement meant to you and how it made you feel, how you view yourself, explain your fanfiction changes too if it’s relevant, maybe she’s blowing things out of proportion?
Like I said, as your sister I think it’s best to be as honest as possible from to top to bottom so that you can also get her honest response. Then with that, you can see where your relationship is now. It’ll probably soften the blow of betrayal and she may apologise. Sorry my response is so vague, I don’t know exactly what happened, you don’t have to elaborate if you don’t want to but it might help
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I've always struggled with being possessive and jealous and I'm not sure what to do about it. Rationally, I know that I'm wrong to feel these things, but it's not like I can immediately change my feelings.
My boyfriend used to have a crush on this girl that is a family friend, he asked her to be his gf years ago and she rejected him. However, because she's a family friend, occasionally she'll still come over to his house along with her family to hang out with his family.
I'm so jealous of her, even though I know it's stupid, even though I know she's done nothing wrong, even though she has her own bf, I really wish she wouldn't come over to his house or be near him at all. I don't think he'll cheat on me or that he wishes I was her, but the fact that he had a crush on her at some point in time just makes me never want her near him. I know I'm being irrational and insecure. I'm not sure how to stop or overcome this. I don't even know why it bothers me because I know it's stupid, but it just does and I wish I could stop. I stupidly hate that he's ever had feelings for anyone before meeting me. Again, I know that's irrational, and of course I've had feelings for people before meeting him. How I feel is stupid, but how do I stop feeling these stupid things? I don't know.
I wonder if a thread about how to deal with irrational feelings of jealousy/possessiveness would be a good idea to make here, because I'm struggling nonnas. I hate how possessive I am, and I think what would help me the most would be to talk to other women who struggle with being possessive and how they overcame these irrational feelings. He's a human being, he's had a life before me and naturally has had feelings for people before me. Despite knowing this and knowing that my feelings are stupid, it still hurts. I guess what hurts is that I know she'll probably always be around.
here u go tear me apart
I guess first of all if you ever get to read this, it is very cliche but it really isn’t your issue to deal with. I’ve struggled on and off with being in this state for awhile now, although I must say this is the worst it has truly ever been.
I just wanted to mention that there really isn’t anything wrong with what you want (but you know that of course). It’s just incompatibility with life directions I guess, and understandably I was a bit angry for it. I know that you mentioned that you’ll never get an opportunity like this again so I understand the need to work on it. You mentioned that you wanted a partner that told you they’re proud of you, and I’m sorry I never did it. You are so seemingly naturally confident, articulate, and good at everything you decide to pour your time into that I don’t know - for some reason I thought that you never needed it because of course you’re doing a good job. You’re you!
Overall, I guess I just wish I could have done everything right. I’ve became notoriously very hard to manage as a girlfriend and probably as an employee as my life gets more difficult. Despite this, I tried to do your laundry everyday, make breakfast for you everyday, and wake you up for meetings even if I didn’t feel like it, all in the hopes that maybe you’d take some time out of your day and spend it with me. Probably unhealthy, but I just needed someone there and you are the only person I had. It made me wonder if there was something so bad about my company that I honestly stopped connecting with everyone else.
When you started hanging out with Scott, I honestly had became very jealous. It really did seem like you’d rather be around him than I, and I totally get that. Scott is a gem of a person and incredibly fun to be around.
But it’s difficult you know? I always compared the beginning and the ends of things. The beginning of our relationship was so wonderful and it honestly was hands down the best time of my life. It was the first time I didn’t want to go back to anything or a specific period of my life. I wasn’t nostalgic for anything at all, and I genuinely enjoyed moving forward. Even if our day was mundane it was still such a good day. But it all came crashing down when both of my parents got sick at the same time. Something about sitting in the same room for 4 months watching your mom go through chemotherapy and having to take care of your parents financially at 23 really fucks you up. It really just shows that there are too many obstacles in the way of me being happy somehow.
But then as we go forward and you start your company, you became busier and busier I start to notice the decline in time spent together, or the eagerness to have a morning coffee with me, or the way we don’t spend the morning cuddling like we used to, and I’m never pulled into your arms in the middle of the night anymore. These things dwindled when I needed them the most. I had just watched my dad go in and out of the hospital, my mom get a stage 4 diagnosis, and then to top it all off my mom had told me she never wanted to see me again.
But why does that happen? It’s always my worst fear, slowly watching affection die over time, and watching the way someone looks at you change. It’s honestly devastating. In the beginning of the relationship I always wondered what would change from now, and how it would affect me. Did you just get used to me? Were you tired of the things happening in my life? Are you more entertained by other people? Have I stopped becoming interesting? Was I not good enough to spend time with anymore?
I tried really hard to be a good girlfriend, I gave it everything I had. I even had a savings account planned in the beginning to help you take your ex to court so you could see your kids again. I tried smiling and acting happy even when I wasn’t to make you feel better to see if you’d spend more time with me.
And to be fair, I guess the ways in which I tried to bring it up weren’t that great, and I’ve never been good at articulating myself or what I want to be the solution to the issue. I guess I was so depressed I didn’t have the energy to expend to do everything correct, or when I tried to make plans for us to do something I guess sometimes I’d pick a restaurant that was too loud and I’d notice you weren’t having a good time and I’d feel so embarrassed because I just wanted us to have a good time like we used to! I’d then start to think things like, he’d be more livelier if Scott were here - which is true! You’d have probably ended up staying out all night like you do when you’re with him.
I really just needed someone to hang out with me whether I was depressed in bed all day or just not having a good time. I know that is a lot of pressure on you because I no longer have a lot of people around, and you have quite a bit of stuff to do and I think I require more attention than the average person. It just sucks because I know that I’ll never be happy like that again or I’ll never have anything like that that lasts anyway.
I’m sorry that our last moments together were probably the worst you’ve seen me. I’ve been laying in bed a lot, not really eating, or not engaging but even the medication I take doesn’t fix this. My intention wasn’t to make you unhappy, I really just don’t know how to hold myself together anymore, and I’m sure you have no idea what to do either. I guess we are just two burnt out people after all. But at the very least, you don’t have to deal with me anymore or worry about me now. I’m really grateful anyway for some of the happiest moments of my life.
Just talking about my thoughts and experiences, again I have no intention or place to influence anyone one way or another >Reading about the rates of failure and the states kf those who failed may change your mind but you should be aware that you'll more likely be left scarred for life rather than die.
NTA but I have a trustworthy suicide kit of sorts ATM, very deadly. If it works, there will be no way of backing out and almost no suffering. Only problem is that pills that are part of it will expire by September and it will be difficult to obtain them (I was "lucky"). I do not plan to kill myself in the near days, but it's both comforting and horrifying to know what I have stashed
I feel like mentioning that people would not fail and certainly wouldn't suffer if they had access to a specific method, which society gatekeeps. Fine, but the whole "suicide always painful as hell!!!" warning is a consciously perpetuated bullshit.