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>>260302>how can you tell if a man doesn't want to have sex with you because he's just not attracted to you vs just tired from work or is depressed?
If you're already wondering, he just isn't that attracted to you and he may not even be capable of it. I've had past partners who were similar: they never initiated, they couldn't cum when we were intimate, sometimes they couldn't even stay hard. It made me feel pretty bad and I wondered if they were actually attracted to me. I love initiating, but it felt like I was "begging" them for anything sexual rather than both of us having that genuine, mutual interest. Of course, the usual retard responses when you ask for advice on this are that he's stressed, depressed, tired from work, men can't always be "on", blah blah. Sorry, but most men nowadays are weak and pathetic idiots who can only stay hard to pixels and they conveniently leave that out. Of course they are not going to be turned on by pleasuring a real living woman when they can jerk their limp weenie to porn and get instant gratification.
Don't listen to those idiots and settle for shit. When you find a man who's attracted to you, you WILL know. He won't leave you guessing. Been with my boyfriend for a couple years and he eats me out every day (and as often as I want), caresses and kisses my body multiple times a day, basically tries to seduce me 24/7 to the point where I've had to ask him tone it down a little bit so we can get our work done. I can only imagine how much more passionate and intense it will get once we have to work away from home and we'll be apart for most of the day. I have never had anyone this passionate about me in the beginning of the relationship, much less for YEARS. Don't settle for a lukewarm relationship, you deserve to feel desired and wanted.
seconding this question. I don't want to leave my bf but I know I'm the toxic
one due to my abusive
past relationship and addictions.
It depends on how toxic
you are, but if both you and your partner want to work it out, then have an open conversation about it. Acknowledge what's toxic
, express you feel ashamed, and are sorry about it. Then set boundaries for what you're going to do to mitigate it from continuing. Like if you've done something disrespectful, or hurtful, and you don't change after you've claimed to not do it again, then maybe you should breakup or something.
see a therapist. You're only going to follow the same patterns and fuck your relationships over and over until a professional is able to break it down for you. And if you are a toxic
person in a relationship then there's likely bigger issues at play.
This and also please do your partner a favor and break up if you're unable to control the toxic
behaviors while working on yourself. In an ideal world they'd be strong enough to leave on their own but more than likely, because they love you, they'll stick around and forgive you over and over because you're "working on it" and that's something but even so they're still being damaged by you at regular intervals
I disagree with this take, it's ridiculous to expect people to only be in relationships when they're 100% well-adjusted. Making decisions for another person is ridiculous too; everyone's partners here are hopefuly adults and capable of making decisions by themselves; if they wanted to leave they would and it's fine, if they want to be there and support that's fine too. As long as you are aware of your toxic
behaviors, actively make an effort to get better and address issues as soon as they arrive, it can be still ok.
If anon's partner is male I don't really care, but if she's female I'm just going to say women often stay in relationships way past their expiration date to their own detriment. It's hard to break the conditioning of feeling like you're a bad person and abandoning your partner if you leave for your own well being. In an ideal world everyone would be mature and confident enough to get out as soon as they were getting hurt with any regularity, but that's not always the case. Like >>260583
said it's a matter of severity. If anon picks random arguments sometimes but the other person doesn't think it's too big of a deal, maybe it's fine. If she's regularly belittling her partner, cheating on them, lying about things, or anything else of greater severity, no one should be putting up with that regardless of whether they've gotten used to it or not. Let's normalize being the bigger person and taking ownership of when you're not in a healthy enough place to be in a relationship rather than putting all that responsibility on the victim
. Would you tell an anon who's drinking daily, slurring insults at her partner and puking all over the house that she's totally valid
and it's all good if her partner decides they want to stay with her? That's the definition of enabling. In that scenario she should take one for the team, leave and get healthy, then see if that person wants to try again if and when she gets her shit together.
I assumed toxic
has to mean the former since the latter means outright abusive
and is not exactly the same thing? But we're on the same page here, and it's semantics, I agree it depends on severity and once there's a high severity AND awareness then absolutely it's the time to be the bigger person.
That's a fair point about the different severity between toxic
. I usually hear a lot of overlap but it's all extrapolation in this case anyway. Thanks for the clarification!
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It's from a cro-magnon looking scrote artist who makes omg relatable relationship comics that get posted a lot by deeply basic betches on FB (sorry not sorry op).
No comment on whether you should break up with her or not but people who threaten with suicide generally
aren't actually suicidal. It's a manipulation tactic.
By cut contact do you mean just ghost or something like tell them then its over then block them ect?>>260678
That is true, the only reason why I think it might be credible is because she has already started cutting herself over smaller disagreements.
I don’t play those games. I make it very clear the second you say your suicidal I’m driving you to hospital or I’m calling the cops and they’re driving you. No choice. Games up. It’s almost always a manipulation tactic and I grew up with severely mentally ill people. Actually suicidal people quietly attempted. The abusive
pricks were the ones shoving self harm scars in your face telling you it’s your fault or I’m going to kill myself. The second they do that Noni. It’s over. You have an obligation to yourself to end the situation for your own sanity and safety.
My ex was suicidal for the entire duration of our relationship. Extremely hostile, selfish, dishonest, the whole works. I still loved her. Just like you I worried what would become of her if she didn't have me and made excuses to stay.
First recognise that you're in an abusive
relationship. The pattern of her hurting you, apologising, promising to be better, and then ultimately lashing out again… this is textbook emotional abuse. It's even worse that she's blackmailing you with threats of suicide. Does she realise that she's abusing you? Are these conscious decisions to wear you out and trap you? Doesn't matter. The effects on you are still real and still painful. She doesn't love you. You don't treat someone you love with such hostility and hatred.
You already acknowledge that she's not getting better and she refuses all help. Stay, if you're a masochist and you don't mind wasting your time on someone who does not love you. But if you want to immediately improve your outlook and finally focus on your own life again, then you should break up, block her everywhere, and do your best to move on. Leaving can be that simple.
Remember that she's a grown woman responsible for her own health and well-being. Seeing as she repeatedly hurts you with minimal remorse, she clearly is not assuming responsibility for yours. It's an unequal partnership.
It took me a couple months to stop feeling guilty for ""abandoning"" my ex. But in even the first few days my mood drastically improved because I had more time and energy to spend on myself and the people who actually loved me. If you have friends and family to depend on, tell them honestly about your situation. Even if you decide to stay, they can support you through it all.
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Go back to Facebook, Linda.
it's okay, the image is retarded but don't ever change
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Dump him, nonnie
you’re just his booty call. Learn to be independent and love yourself.
i find myself not feeling the desire to see my bf and im trying to pinpoint exactly why. i think maybe we lack chemistry. its not nearly as good as me and my dysfunctional mess of an ex bf with whom i unfortunately shared tastes in movies, books, tv shows, artwork, philosophy, humor, you name it. my ex had such amazing taste in everything. my current bf is very sweet and functional but he just doesnt have culture, he doesnt read, doesnt know art, only knows hollywood movies, watches adult swim etc. its really nitpicky but he likes that one dog meme and i hate that shit. its this brand of humor laden with internet references i dont get. i dont want to feel like this. i want to be connected with him. hes so golden in so many ways. im upset because ifs not even like i want my ex back, i dont miss his dumb ass, so idk why im comparing them.>>260860
come on nonny
, dont be pathetic. youre letting him yank you around like a puppet. i doubt he even sees you as a person with feelings, youre just his emotional dumping ground. doesn’t that make you feel like shit? or are you one of those people who would rather be a codependent tool than be independent and alone?
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welp that's enough lc for today
you do need someone nonny
, just not him. the world isnt designed for loners but we still have to make our way. make friends, meet people, and disregard moids for a while
Can I ask about friendships here?
Something is preventing me from making friends. I used to be social but also mostly friends with guys which flaked off because of obvious reasons. I spent 2 years alone with only Internet friends, learning to accept my emotional and feminine side. I learned that I might have autism and bipolar or schizophrenia. I quit all drugs. I have put myself into social situations lately:
>joined a dance practice
>talked to classmates
>went to a party
>tried talking more at work
It did help but I am still lost. I send memes, cute or funny images to people sometimes, and try telling them interesting information, or make them laugh when we meet. Thing is, I always convince myself they don't actually like me. Sometimes it is true, other times it is complete nonsense like "I've got one small pimple on my chin, they must think I am a disgusting loser". I have to really watch myself that I don't sound negative irl too. For now I am just trying not to isolate myself completely. I used to go hermit mode from the slightest rejection, which is why I haven't really had women friends for a while. So, I don't know, what should I do to make friends in real life? I try demonstrating high value but I do have depressive periods where I barely do anything, which wouldn't paint me right. I wouldn't mind befriending others like me but I am also absolutely scared of them getting mad at me for some social cue or trigger I missed.
IDK if it counts as actual mental illness, but I'm quite a quirked up shawty and have this behavior I can't really control or get rid of. When anyone around me gets very emotional, I always shut down any emotions I have and don't feel anything and get into like a robot-mode. Especially when negative but it happens with positive also. It's probably caused by growing up with an abusive mom who would randomly get angry at anything and then proceed to blame it on me and let it out on me, so I have this instinct to get into a numb, control mode. It's no problem anymore as I have no contact to her anymore, however it's a bit of a problem with my fiancé. When we have a misunderstanding or argument he gets very emotional and expressive about it very fast, as this is just the kind of person he is. And when I find myself in this position multiple times where he even outright says "I need your love" or asks if we can hug while talking it out, but I just can't do it. I talk very neutrally while crying and I just can not force myself to do it, because I'm so detached from the situation. It's not the first time this has happened and I'm unsure how to combat this fear(?) of putting myself into an emotional, "uncontrolled", open position when I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
Ive only ever given vauger ones like I dont see a future together if things dont improve/you cant commit to recovery.
Ultimatums are something Ive always been hesitant to make as they are a tool that are often used by abusive
Thank you for this I needed to hear this and that Im not crazy for feeling this way. Im going to start getting things ready so at their next outburst I can end things via a text as I dont think its unfair to do that to someone who has acted like this.
Here’s what you do, nonnie
. You get your friends and have them help pack up your stuff. If the gf is home she won’t be able to control you but just watch n cry. If she cries and freaks out just ignore her and shut her down because talking will only escalate things.
I ended up meeting the man who I assume I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. We've been exclusively communicating practically non-stop online for about 3 weeks, within those 3 weeks we had realized we have a lot in common when it comes to core values, thinking patterns, and morals. The moment we met in person, was a huge mixture of emotions. Underwhelming but also overwhelming?
We had sex shortly upon meeting. It was truthfully the best and longest I've had sex in my life. So much communication. What helped the most was the fact I knew we had a stronger bond not revolved around infatuation, the whole values and morals thing.
Reality pretty much ended up slapping me in the face elsewhere. Maybe this was my mind trying to help me not make stupid decisions so quickly like I wanted to before we met. I kind of expected him to look more attractive in the face, he was also big, but not fat to the point where there's no hope of him getting into shape. We went around the area to do things and I was expecting him to be more touchy, he did warn me he might be awkward when meeting. No holding hands, no random kisses, minus whatever happened when we had sex. We actually did hold hands on our last drive together, but that was it. I keep having to tell myself I literally just met him.
I also am reminded, before we met, we had agreed to not officially call this a relationship. We are only friends at the moment, because calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend comes with more expectations, which is something I have faults with, expecting him to do intimate things while in public. He doesn't have reliable transportation at the moment so that's his biggest priority in life for now. Us being able to see each other in person was definitely difficult and a costlier than I would've liked. So definitely until then I'm going to have to sit on things and think about this.
I am grateful to have finally met him, I do not regret it. It really did help me not think of him as some image my mind made up. I do not feel like I am going crazy anymore, but yeah definitely a reminder I need to be realistic.
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Me and my Nigel are both skinnyfat lazy bums, and I want us to be hot and active. He started having health problems from 100% sedentary gamer lifestyle.
I signed us up for exercise classes and I really enjoy them. He absolutely hates it, he can't keep up with anyone, feels bad comparing himself to other moids, and puked in the middle of class today.
He said he wants to quit but I begged him to stay with it longer because I can't have him dying in his 50s because all he does is vidya and drink redbull. He said okay but I feel bad guilting him into it.
He says he never gets exercise endorphins no matter how fit he is. So he can't imagine enjoying it in the future.
On one hand I want him to quit if he hates it, because he is kind of a downer in class and I feel bad leaving him behind or using heavier weights than him. On the other hand I am not a social person and I doubt I'll keep coming if he quits because I find it really awkward to be there alone.
Should I try getting him signed up for something else that's less intense that I can do on my off days? Or is he a lost cause?
I don't want him to resent me for making him do this but I do think in a few months he'll see results and be happier and healthier.
It could be that feels embarrassed about his lack of fitness in front of other people, so maybe it might be worth trying a few at home exercise solutions to build up his fitness. You say he's a gamer so if you've got a switch it could be worth trying some of the fitness related games.
Men usually prefer weight lifting over cardio activities. When men first start lifting they tend to gain muscle quickly with an adequate protein intake, this keeps them motivated to stick with it because they can see the improvements for themselves. A set of adjustable home dumbbells would be good for this. You can easily look up beginner dumbbell routines online.
This was your unfortunate lesson to not fuck a guy so soon, even if you wanted to at the time or if the sex was good. He won't hold your hand in public nor wants to address you as his gf for whatever retarded "reason", yet he had no problem fucking you as soon as he could. Where is the logic in that?
>which is something I have faults with, expecting him to do intimate things while in public.
It's not like he's being expected to fuck you or make loud shows of romance to you in public, it's literally just holding hands or being affectionate. That's not a fault in your expectations but literally the bare minimum for a male to do if he's sexually and romantically interested in someone.
Let me stress that when a man truly cares for you, he will want to show you off and let the world know he is yours, even if it's just in a subtle way like calling you his girlfriend or holding a hand. The fact he's somehow hesitant to do this, yet had no problem having sex with you, just doesn't seem right or trustworthy to me.
This is not made up, i am just retarded and I've been in situations where my past relationships ended up being established because they were essentially escape routes >>261197
Yeah, I'm learning from my mistakes. Now one thing that is standing out to me, and I'm glad he's not committing, is while we were cuddling after everything was done he asked me questions about what i liked what he was doing for me during sex and essentially he told me "maybe you need to raise your standards" to which i said "yeah, I've had fucked up exes"
I'm definitely going to bring this up to him based around everything that happened. Thankfully he's good at communicating with me.
He says he feels dumb exercising by himself. And he can't cope with the embarrassment of following along to a video. He even cringes when I do it so I can't do home workouts around him. He never makes fun of me or anything but I can feel his secondhand embarrassment powerfully.
He is very self conscious and his only motivation to exercise is I'll cry if he quits lol.
Maybe I will look at exercise games though, good idea! The only time I've seen him break a sweat and like it (outside the bedroom haha) was playing VR at a con.
Are the switch fitness games good? I've been thinking about getting one
First off. It’s not your job. You know that but I’m saying it. If his second hand embarrassment prevents you from doing something good for your health than his behavior is harmful and unhealthy to your relationship and he needs to check his own shit insecurity or anxiety. There’s also a million ways to be active so his claim I just don’t like it is lazy. I’m blunt at this point. I wouldn’t be so much to his face just so you know. There’s apps like zombie run. He could jog while listening to audio story that reacts to him with his music in the middle. There’s walking apps with different stories. There’s hiking. There’s classes. There’s swimming. There’s weight lifting. Stretching. Even two walks a day and two rounds of stretching to start if he does nothing would be an improvement but the truth is he’s a weak soy boy who doesn’t want to. He has fail male syndrome and that’s all in his head. Also you have to push yourself far enough in discomfort and pain your brain releases endorphins. He’s not doing it right. He needs slow consistency with proper form to whatever he’s doing. He probably won’t get enjoyment for like 2 weeks to 2 months if he’s like neet level out of shape.
Tbh you might be better going to classes. Going hiking. Making plans with other active people and influencing him slowly.
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Bit of a troon-tangent, but I don't find it fitting to blog in /snow/. I've met a guy through gaming (I know, I know) and we've been talking for a while before meeting up, things have been going decent. I knew there was one person with a female nick he's been talking to online, I didn't care much, but she suddenly tried to reach out to me. Turns out it's a discord tranny, that wants to make me jealous somehow? It seems like he's jealous BF is talking to an actual woman. I told my BF and he always used "she", while I do not manage, the best I can do is "they", because I just see him as a jealous gay guy. BF said just to ignore "her", but I think contacting me out of the blue and trying to stir up shit already crossed enough boundaries where I'm not even comfortable that my BF talks to this crazy guy, even if I obviously can't dictate who he talks to.
imagine dating a fucking discordfag in the first place. unless nonnie
is a discordfag as well, in which case….
I had no idea what they were talking about, it's a pretty small and autistic game community that's 100% male (should've been a tell) and their conversation are usually just as autistic and focused on the game. But dating girls is a no-no apparently.>>261246
I'm very much not a Discordfag or even really on social media, all I visit is here and a few select forums. I'm still stuck in the 00's when it comes to the Internet I guess.
Random they were a manger that left shortly after I started. Friends for years yada yada. >>261235
That was pretty much my take to Noni, cheers. >>261243
Look for free clubs and classes. Libraries tend to do candle making shops and stuff depending on the city. There’s also probably online Facebook groups in your area or apps like next door to talk to people around you. Social skills are kind of a meme because it can vary greatly depending on who and where you are. What do you like Noni? What do you want? Or do you just need a list of stuff to try or think about?
100% that class is too intense for him if he's puking in the middle of it. you shouldn't have to mother him but if you keep forcing him to go to a class that's way too difficult he's not going to want to exercise. are there lower intensity classes he could go to?>>261200
THIS is his issue though, he needs to get over himself. i would suggest getting ring fit- it genuinely does help if you're starting from sedentary skinnyfat and you can increase difficulty as you get more in shape- but there's no point if he's too embarrassed to play it
I know other anons will bash me for this but I think its possible. My bf and I were both incels when we met, he kicked his about half a year into our relationship and I kicked mine about 1.5 years in. What helped was talking about it face to face rather than shaming eachother for it. We went through a lot of talking, things like why we still do it, why is it so addictive, when did this start (13 for him and 14 for me), do you still want to watch it? why?
If he's actively NOT communicating about it then it's definitely a bad sign. Porn addiction is huge especially with those who grew up with the internet coming into fruition. And I think shaming men and women for it sucks. It's definitely avoidable and you can tackle the demons in your fucked up mind. Good luck anon. Just my two cents, I am actually a huge advocate for anti-porn industry today.
Take this with a grain of salt because I'm no pro, but initiating isn't as scary as you think.>be horny>kiss him>waggle eyebrows>"hey are you busy? Want to have some sex?"
On the other hand if he's not initiating, but masturbates often… Yeah I'd take that personally too. Are you just assuming he's nervous to initiate or have you openly discussed it with him?
Not surprising, really. Even without porn a lot of men are pathetic enough to to choose their hand instead. Why? Because the expectation of having to please a woman is too much for them, when he can just jerk himself off in a couple minutes and be done with it. Loser male behavior right there
And chances are if she initiates herself, he'll make her feel just as unwanted and undesired, he sounds like such a soyboy
>>261554>even had sex with a prostitute
I get that we all have different perspectives, but that one is pretty unforgivable anon. He thought it was fine to use a living person (very likely a woman who was trafficked, desperate and otherwise at the lowest and most vulnerable point of her life) as a disposable sex toy for a few bucks. How can you ever look past that no matter how wonderful he is now? Why do you want
to "get over" something like that? How did you find out about these things? Did he tell you openly or did you just happen to find them through his old online accounts?
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girl… i get that he's nice to you and all but being with a punter with a porn addiction? can't you guys just be like… companions without being together together? that's what i would do. this is A LOT of sexual baggage. what has he said about having had sex with a prostitute? this is horrible, no offense.
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>>261644>radfem who is a willing prostitute>willing prostitute>radfem
Oh god who cares. If he was right for you, he would have confessed already. There are so many men out there, don't get so hung up on some guy you barely even know.>>261696
Good on you anon, I would leave too. Men who have raped and exploited women deserve to end up alone, forever.
Projection? But yeah anon wanted advice not the usual farmer hive attitude. >>261619
You could just keep contact like normal. The thing between you and the friend is technically none of your crushes business so you can still hold your relationship with him. But from now on you just have to make your intentions a little more clear with your crush. In my op him respecting his friend is a good sign.
If you want you should totally message him, don't overthink it - just idk if there's any point in pursuing anything with a guy you have nothing in common with. Ultimately - if he responds that's good because this is what you wanted, if he doesn't, no loss really. From what you're saying it sounds like he didn't message you after either which can mean he only wanted an one night stand, which is definitely not something you should take personally. Being in somebody's league is 100% subjective, for all we know he could've thought you're his type.>dude who got a new bitch in 2 weeks is what I deserve.
that's such a vile way to perceive it. You had a nice time with him and after he decided to commit to someone, he stuck to it. Sucks that it's not you but from the outside it seems like he is a good and honest person, just appreciate the time you had together and move on. Once again, same as with one night stand, it's not personal.
Having met only 2 dudes so far is not that much - from what I know about tinder, you'll forget both of these soon enough. Something I think is a good practice is to establish on a first date (maybe even before) is asking whether the other person looks for one time fun or more dating. Sure, men like to lie about it but sometimes you'll meet some that will be upfront and it's good to know to keep your expectations in place.
I know a guy who went to a prostitute when he was 24 because he was still a virgin and couldn’t get any girls (he tried). He also told me he has a small Pepe so he was also ashamed of that.
He was shy with the prostitute also and came in like 5 mins so he spent the rest of the time talking with her. Overall I think she’s prefer a client like that over the average man. Of course the question of how she got to prostitution remains but idk, in my country there’s really good social support and these women still choose to do it (citizens) so idk. I guess it’s different in the US.
You know you could I don’t know look at actual facts instead of a women who was groomed by society to exploit herself for men? Any man that buys sex is a rapist piece of shit. Those women deserve better. Your friend deserved better if she exists. Those men are aware those women wouldn’t sex with them without money. That’s not consent. You can’t buy consent and it’s been shown the psychological damage women suffer from it.
There’s multiple women ex sex workers from your own country speaking out, but caping for the incels. https://nordicmodelnow.org/2020/01/07/full-decriminalisation-of-the-sex-trade-will-start-an-irreversible-and-dangerous-domino-effect/
So why are only women running to sell themselves? You’re ignoring the elephant in the room. If she was sexualized by men her entire life she was groomed. Grown men cat call and eyeball little girls. Tv and social media is influencing your brain long before your an adult. Your argument to defend the prostitute buying incel is still false. He’s a rapist who thinks he can buy women’s consent like an object and your friend is a victim
of a society grooming herself into seeing her own body as a product for others.
i'm sorry nonnie
i was just genuinely looking for advice.
I think you know what you have to do nonny
but it's not easy to accept. The comfort of a relationship can really keep the wool over your eyes.
admittedly i was expecting more posts like this >>261578
but i think i explained myself and my situation better in my second post >>262028
but i'll leave the thread since i ended up upsetting/triggering
some people. sorry guys
don't feel bad anon, so many of us know that this thread is insanely cruel and full of negative advice rather than positive. People here would rather school you and put you down about your decisions than treat you like a good person going through problems.
I think you should enjoy your relationship anon, just watch how he acts in the present. Living in the present is more important than anything.
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>>262027>hypersexuality is usually a sign of underlying mental issues
When is it actually hypersexuality?
>>262298>What do you do if you catch your man in a lie?
Just confront him. There's nothing else you can do. Maybe even screenshot all those comments before he goes and deletes them, if it was me I would even confront him with those comments.>taking me on vacation
Is it worth it if you're just going to be arguing and worrying the whole time?
Forgot to thank you for the screencap idea, that's smart. Will definitely do that for my planned confrontation.
you are the reason this thread is so hated and found to be vile.
Niggas like you are why I will literally never ask for advice here. This new wave of lolcow bpd lesbians telling us all to leave our boyfriends and hate men fucking sucks. There is no where left to go for advice anymore.(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
Based and true>>262341
Go back to 4chan and Twitter newfag
>>262378>cape for men
All of a sudden wanting to help anons out in their loves lives is suddenly caping for men.
It makes no sense. You have so many same sex threads that you can literally go and give advice there. If your only response to every anon is to be political, bring anons down, tell them that their men are worthless, why even come here on your soapbox if you're flailing the same rhetoric?
If you're a lesbian or radfem anyway, who gives you the right to even give advice to people in heterosexual relationships? If you hate men, why come to a thread where women are asking for advice for men only to tell them to leave their men?
It may sound like they hate all men, but no. They specifically hate men who take advantage of women and are disillusioned with women who let those types of men push them around, despite the obvious crappy behavior and warnings from nonnies. Most men aren't worth dating and women are bound to pick a dud if they aren't experienced or extremely intuitive/have high emotional intelligence.
As for that anon, clearly that was hyperbole for laughs, although there is a grain of truth. A lot of men don't deserve comfort from women because they just take advantage of it and don't provide it.
>>262341>hated and found to be vile.
Also hating trashy men and shitposting about them isn't political or radfem.
Don’t you know Noni if you tell someone to leave their boyfriend for not washing his ass it’s clearly a political action meant to hurt all men? On a Sidenote can we not respond to clear bait. Rule of thumb if someone drops an n word it’s best not to respond. Especially followed by whores, it’s just trolling or mental illness derailing and you can’t help those people. >>262298
I don’t do lies. It’s a hard line. It was one of the first ones I developed as an adult. If I catch someone in a lie the trust is broken and I’m no longer interested. No trust no relationship. I’m clear on that up front though. People still lie and act shocked when I leave though. Not my business. I have no interest in confrontation or the huge emotional blowout. I’d rather grieve and save my pride by myself and then rebuild without someone who disrespected me.
Caught an ex cheating while moving out like confirmed he was lying about trying to make things work with, different womens panties in the hamper. Didn’t even fight him. Waited till I had all my shit out and threw her panties I found in the hamper at him and told him to return them and left.
Why spend my time and energy on someone no longer worth it? But you do you Noni. If you go on vacation I hope you have fun and it’s chill.
this thread has always been toxic
, especially after scanditard its almost like there was a spike in bullying.
I need your advice nonas!
I've been together with my boyfriend for 5 years now, living together for 6 months. He's actually a really good and caring guy, he cooks for me, cleans the house because it's fun for him and he's got a great humor and on top of that is very hard working.
The only thing that is becoming increasingly hard is having conversations about how to make our relationship better. What I'm trying to say is that our communication skills sadly aren't the best and every time I try to talk about that with him he gets terribly defensive.
We had a really stupid and small argument earlier because he wanted me to do something, but wasn't specific on how he wanted it done. When I tried asking him to specify he got upset because in his mind he was clear enough and he got irritated, because I still didn't understand (I'm a bit on the spectrum and need very detailed instructions when being asked things) and that made me angry as well, because he wouldn't elaborate.
After everything was done I thought we both had calmed down and I asked him nicely, if he could be more specific next time and also if I don't understand, if he could be more patient and not get annoyed that fast.
He was not having it at all and said that he was specific enough and that he had to work now and just went off to his room (he works from home). That's how it often goes when I try to talk about the uncomfortable aspects of the relationship. 90% of the time our life together is completely harmonious so I really don't understand his aversion to talking about stuff at all? I don't want to critique him as a person, I just want our communication to improve, so what should I do to get him to talking about stuff like that?
He has already adjusted some behaviours before, as did I when we had problems so I don't know why this topic is so hard for him.
Sorry for my bad puctuation, I'm ESL
You might need another argument. Like just sit this dude down and basically force him to talk it out. But you gotta let him know how his actions make you feel because if he still refuses even after you opened up to him about it then its time to rethink the relationship a bit.
But if you really love eachother it can work out nonnie
! Its never simple.
Thank you all for responding, I think I'm going to sit down with him soon to talk it out, as the relationship is very important to me and I see a good chance that we can overcome our problems. I'm not a perfect person either, so..>>262594
I'm considered "high functioning" so I feel like it can be easy to forget that my brain works a bit different sometimes. I'll try to remind him. Maybe my tism is also at fault for how I express my concrit to him. I can be very direct and that often causes people to be offended when I dont actually mean to be rude.
You honestly sound like you’re just here to defend the scrote and your opinion isn’t helpful. She’s already aware communication can be harder because she’s on the spectrum. Why beat her across the head for it? >>262598
Also if he doesn’t understand your needs. I would just leave. I’ve fought those battles and those “logical” moids always ended up having raging mental health issues they took out on me because of my soft boundaries.
I feel for you, nonnie
. Breaking up with someone is never fun, even more so if it's your first serious relationship. Give yourself time to process the emotions, but never forget why you broke up with him in the first place. Lots of people end up returning to their partners because they feel lonely or start missing them. Don't make that mistake and eventually you're going to be ok, just give it some time.
Don't ever doubt your decision!
Your time is precious and if someone isn't making you happy. You should move forward. One day you might even look back and wonder why you didn't so sooner.
Best of luck.
This just gave me a wake up call. The moids I've chosen have all been hot, but NEETs, losers, unaffectionate, and so on. I'm currently entertaining a loser that hasn't asked to see me in 6 months. Probably only because he's attractive, because everything else about him annoys me and he's cheap as fuck.
I'm going to skyrocket my standards, I want hot AND affectionate. I want to be the center or someone's fucking world, fuck these entitled losers
Do you want kids? Eventually, or ever?
I clam up at the idea of kids, I would nope out if a bf tried to talk to me about them. Men always act like it's so easy too, as if giving birth is as easy as coming in someone.
Then girl you gotta break up. There are men out there who do not want kids, there are men who don't mind, and there are men who want kids and are willing to do ALL the work aside from the giving birth. There is zero use for you staying with a moid who will pressure you into pregnancy just to treat you like shit after. Dumb moids just want to spread their genes then totally disregard their family.
I get you tho, every date I go on the man asks me when I want kids and how many I want. Fucker, I just met you, why do you want to impregnate me?
Yeah if you do not want kids and he does you need to tell him.
Is there a reason you guys haven't had a conversation about kids before? Just unusual that you guys have been together so long and not spoken about it.
Generally it's better to have that conversation earlier on so you don't invest in a relationship that will not work out in the end.
You really need to leave this relationship. And as this anon said >>262787
its kind of weird that you never discussed this sort of thing in 5 years, I've been with my bf for 3 and we were already discussing children in our first year.
If he wants to start a family and you don't, then it's basically going to be incompatible forever. Either you will be unhappy forever caving in and having kids, or he will be unsatisfied that he can't start a family.
Luckily in this century there are plenty of people who want to go without family and kids, so you two really need to consider the fact that there is just no compatible future for you two because your end goals are entirely different.
First time accident… Ok that was weird, but let's not make it a habit.
Second time, still an accident…? Nu uh.
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That's really fucking weird. It's normal you're turned off. It's not petty at all to be grossed out, this grown man pissed on you. Does he usually have trouble holding it in?
Yes, his erection and or ejaculation could have been holding in pee from a full bladder and then when that stopped he pissed himself.
Make sure he pees before sex and this wont happen again unless there’s some underlying problem
Do you have an update after talking to him?
I know sex and bladders have a connection, we have to consider our bladders too when it comes to sex but I fail to see how he felt no urgency and then had no awareness he was even pissing on you. Where does total numbness like that come from? There's no biological explanation for why he didn't just feel the urge right after sex finished… and get up to pee. We've all been there. Male and female, awkwardly having to pee immediately after sex happens. But laying there and peeing onto your partner does not. That's not a 'oh that's just how penises are' moment
>>260888>gamer, quit his job before he had another lined up
That already sounds like the guy I'm interested in but he isn't a pothead and actually have money saved. I'm really hoping he gets a job though I'm glad that he's working on himself while being unemployed>>261120>I cringe to death when I think about the moids I used to choose before, seriously gives me vertigo and nausea. Bottomfeeder losers, with no intent to stop being NEETs, small dicked and chubby.
same here, I cringe at the guys I used to date who were just like you described. I couldn't believe I stayed with them until they dumped me and made me feel undesired.
we both have 0 social skills so it worked out
I don't get how this anon >>261914
could see the first guy as a good and honest person especially after explaining this >>261939
Kinda reminds me of the guy i wanted to date but he was in a friends with benefits with some women. He ended up finally getting with someone a few weeks after I told him I was interested in him. It became pretty obvious he wanted to just sleep with me when he tried to get me into a threesome with his new gf and and confessed wanted to sleep with me before he got with his gf.
I need some help from anons here. I'm just tired of relationships, they all tend to follow the same pattern for me. I meet a guy, everything's great, I communicate I would like a relationship in future but I'm aware we're still getting to know each other so no need to rush, etc. We move to a stage where we usually do everything an official couple would do, see each other often, be exclusive, talk to our close friends about the other person, open up, etc. But I can't seem to be able to get the official status of bf and gf.
I do take the time to get to know the other person and around lets say the 4 month mark I start to feel very bitter and annoyed that everything seems great but I still feel this "not yet" mentality from them. It drives me crazy because we basically already have what I would consider a relationship, considering I don't want to get married or have children in the future. I just want a partner and someone I can plan a future with, grow together, etc. I don't feel comfortable thinking this way before I know we're both in the same place, etc.
So I'm stuck in this limbo were I feel we have a good relationship but something is missing, like I'm not good enough for them to consider me this way. More than once I've confronted them and I get the usual shit about me rushing or that they need to be sure about it, etc. More than once I've ended a relationship because of this, and I usually get the "you pushed too much, you need to chill, let it flow, it's just a word" shit from people around me and my friends. Like it's my fault that I'm not "cool" when I give a shit about the other. Why is it so bad to WANT the word? To have the security of it even if nothing in terms of our day to day would change? And if they don't care about the word why not just give me the benefit of humoring me?
I'm having that issue right now with the guy I'm seeing and I'm just so tired of finding myself in the same place over and over when I'm and incredibly attentive, sweet, and chill partner. I don't get it. I know anons are going to tell me I'm an idiot, to dump him, that I'm too nice/pickme or whatever for "waiting" for them to be ready. I just don't know what are the "rules" anymore, relationships seem so complicated and I just find myself thinking everyone is such a fucking pussy nowadays. "Oh I guess I will wait for this undetermined amount of time for you to make up your fucking mind then" even though I'm sure 4 months is more than enough time to KNOW if you like someone.
My feeling is that they do it to have all the benefits of a partner but not own up to any of the responsabilities for it, like planning a vacation with me or being there for certain events, etc. He told me recently he's taking a trip in a few months with his best friend and I just feel like I can't say anything because OF COURSE I'm not his girlfriend and I would be "uncool" to be unhappy about it (I'm not too much, I just wonder if he would ever plan something with me…). I fucking hate the position as woman we end up in, we are either the person they can step all over or the bitch that they can complain to their friends about.
I'm sorry for the long post, I just needed to rant.
You're obviously self aware. I know it's a gross phrase but what you've described is many men's "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" attitude. I'm not autistic like >>263220
but even in my last relationship my ex and I established we wanted to be exclusive bf/gf and were developing feelings for one another a month in. We said I love you in the second month and were together for years. If a guy really wants you, he will make it clear. If someone isn't doing that for you, then you are within your rights to drop them since your goals are not aligned. Every man is going to say "yeah sure I want a relationship" if he's getting girlfriend benefits without actually having to commit. Don't let them use you like that. The only "rules" that matter are your own. Set your own time limit in say, 2 months before you're getting frustrated, and if a guy hasn't made a move to lock you down by then, move on to the next. Stop wasting time on guys you're hoping will finally see your value. You deserve better than that. Anyone who says you need to chill is just projecting. What's fine for them may not be for you and that doesn't make you crazy or pushy. Just incompatible.
just walk away, don't ask for the word, it's not worth it. I've been the unavailable person in this dynamic, except I let my ex have the title because I felt bad and "nothing would change anyway". but everything changes for the person actually invested, as you might imagine.
> even though I'm sure 4 months is more than enough time to KNOW if you like someone
in my case, my ex was nice enough in a really broad, generic sort of way, so she was always fun and pleasant to be around, so I kept agreeing to go on dates and I thought I needed to give it time. and it just kept escalating until I realized I didn't actually like her like that.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, nonnie
, I haven't thought about this like that.
We already postponed the wedding once due to covid and he said he wouldn't feel comfortable calling it off (because in his mind he "ruined it"). That's why we thought having a not legally binding ceremony that allows us to celebrate would make things easier. We're currently in counseling. The overall timing of all of this is just unfortunate and I don't want to pressure him. Again, your perspective really helped me a lot to see something positive I haven't been seeing before.
Honestly, I personally just prefer to be direct and upfront. I feel like lots of men don't really want to commit anyways or need a very on the nose kind of situation where you ask them about the relationship. Otherwise they can use you however much they want and always play the "we weren't exclusive tho" card.
If they decline your advances they're wasting your time anyway. Idk if it's got to do with age, but I don't play these games anymore. If they want a relationship - nice, if they don't you can move on faster.
in my experience hobbies are the best way to meet people. You might find it easier to worry less about meeting a boyfriend and just think about making friends. That way you might feel a bit less shy and if you click with someone you can take it further. Personally I would prefer to be single until I met someone I was compatible with rather than be in a lot of relationships that fizzle out. I met my boyfriend at a gig and I only spoke to him because I needed to borrow a phone charger, but that was enough of an excuse to get chatting and get to know each other. Plus if you meet through a hobby you will definitely have something in common but it's not like meeting someone at work ot university where you might end up being together all the time, which can put a lot of pressure on the relationship. Good luck nonnie
and remember you don't need to be in a relationship so take your time and find someone who is a really good match. If you get it right you might only need to do it once!
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It's my birthday and I am once again reminded that I have never been and will never be in a relationship with someone who loves me as much love as I love them.
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Happy birthday Nonita. You deserve to be loved with the same intensity you give. Don't settle for anything less!
Thank you nonna>>263546
I bought myself new shoes
I really don't think men are capeable of the kind of love women are. Women are willing to sacrifice so much for other people's comfort and well-being, we are so empathetic and considerate and we just want to please others and make them happy. Men don't get positive feelings from doing selfless acts for others so they never do them unless condidioned to. They don't remember your birthday unless you remind them 10 times and if they get you something its only cause it's what is expected of them and not because they truly want to make your day or make you happy. All acts of kindness are a chore to them. If there is nothing in it for them they don't care to do things.
And you really notice it when you have a fight too, all men I have ever been with have been unable to handle me being upset with them for something they did. They don't think "Oh I have hurt your feelings, let me find a way to make it better" they think "you being upset inconveniences ME and I don't like that". Then they get outright angry at you for being upset cause their feelings > your feelings. Always. It is just so sad to me how completely self centered and without empathy men are.
I just want someone who cares about me the same way I care about them. Who wants to go out of their way to make me happy without me having to ask or beg for it. I just don't think it exists in men.
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My boyfriend has been going through a lot of shit with his family and just general life stuff. He's also been trying to not vent towards me since the one time he caught me off guard with it, so I think he's just internalizing a lot of his feelings again. He didn't wanna call last night because he was worried he was gonna end up snapping at me.
I wanna help him out but I don't know how. We're LDR so I'm kinda limited in what I can do.
Call me Pollyanna, but I highly doubt that, nonnie
. There's always a someone.
nta but I've had success, not in my first two relationships but with my husband now. He is empathetic and selfless, even found a new job when we first started dating so he could pay my medical bills etc.
There are nice people out there, you just have to look and be open.
said, you just need to keep your eyes open and don't let good opportunities go to waste. And HBD, nonna!
I agree with the other anon. straight male friends, specifically close guy friends that you hang out with a lot, would probably want to bang you even if they aren't romantically into you.
But yeah i think he's into you. I still remember one of my guy friend would give me long hugs, a month later he confessed that he's interested in me.
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my bf just straight up told me today he doesn't care about my feelings at all
He wants to fuck you because that's all they're wired to do. >friend
I wouldn't pass out around him unless you want to find out how males treat their (platonic) woman friends
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I'm stuck (as in quite literally stuck, currently saving but cannot afford to move out for a while) with a boyfriend of 5 years who just always seems to forget about me nowadays and is very reluctant/not interested in doing shit with me unless it's buying me food or fixing something for me.
It's a really nice day today and I ideally do not want to be stuck in the house doing nothing, neither of us are at work, so I just asked if he wanted to go to the park or just go out and get some fresh air anywhere. No, he never accepts, all he does is go to work and then come home and play games.
I know that he can do what he wants with his free time but he is honestly boring as fuck and can't follow through with any sort of plans, I'm tired of asking and I've decided I can't keep asking him anymore.
Last week he said he would arrange for us to go to the zoo which we both really like, I was happy about that and now he's just completely forgotten about it. I refuse to arrange and do things for him because I'm not his maid, but then he just forgets about the most simple shit - I cannot even remember the last time we had a date, I think it was when the newest Batman movie came out and we went to the cinema. Before that, I can't even recall. We don't have a lot of money but we both work so it's entirely possible to go on dates that are cheap, but he just isn't interested, and if he does plan something he always forgets about it and never books it.
His excuses are that he's just tired or just doesn't want to, but he never seems "too tired" enough to sit at his PC and play games. I enjoy gaming too, but if it's a nice day and I see an opportunity to get some fresh air I'll go do it.
Idk what to do, like I said I wish I could leave but it's honestly not an option for me right now. Most of the time I can deal with this because I go to the gym and have other personal hobbies but it's like this isn't even a relationship anymore. There's no excitement, no romance, no spending quality time with eachother because he just forgets about me like it's that easy. I feel like we are roommates more than anything else.
I'd like some advice on this, I'm not going to baby him and arrange EVERYTHING for him as if he's incapable because then I know it doesn't come from a place of love or romance or effort. I'm wondering if there's any other advice nonnies can give me (Ik some of it will just be to dump him but that's kind of hard when you live under the same roof and you don't have any family to move back in with)
start doing things you want to do without him? as far as i can see it's not like he's abusive
or whatever so I don't see a reason why you can't stay living together until you figure your shit out. in the mean time, if he doesn't want to tag along with you, so be it. no reason to not to enjoy your day, since he's obviously enjoying his.
Unfortunately I don't, I do have friends and my brothers but there's no room for me to stay over given that they all have children too. I do have a job, but it's not well-paying enough so that I can just move out quickly and get my own place. I have a little bit of savings so far but it's not enough especially as rent and bills where I live are extortionate.>>263812
The thing is he is always quite apologetic about it but I'm that type of person where I don't count words as an apology - I need to see a change in behaviour and some sort of action, which I haven't seen at all. I've spoken to him about it before and the only activity or "date" he suggests is like crazy golf or go-karting or something like that…which I've tried before and personally just don't enjoy. He suggested the zoo which we both liked and then just fucking forgot about it. I've also told him I'm not playing secretary and arranging dates and ideas for him, he didn't even argue with it but then he just forgets. It's like a cycle every time, and in the end he doesn't seem to mind because he can just sit on his PC and talk to his gamer friends even on a hot day when he has the free time to go outside and do something. It really is miserable, it feels like I'm living alone sometimes even though I'm not. I'm glad you got out of there nonna, I wish I could say the same.>>263814
This is the approach I'm trying to take. I think it's clear after 5 years he has different (lower) standards of how a relationship should work, and I don't want to entertain it anymore, although it was never this bad until recently. I also personally believe I shouldn't be having to communicate and try this much just for bare minimum cheap dates like nice picnics or exploring cool places together. Thanks nonna, today I'm going to go to the park by myself - it's not ideal but you're right in that I shouldn't be ruining my day just because he clearly doesn't care anymore. It's just disappointing that I thought he would want to spend time together as a couple, but whatever, I will try and not let it get to me and just work on myself.
Is he depressed? My friend had a very similar situation to you recently and we were trying to figure out what was going on and why he was regressing into his online gaming world and it turns out he just had no one to talk to about his grandma dying which was apparently huge for him as he was so close to her. Could he be going through something deep that he is not telling you?
If everything is fine and he is not necessarily going through anything, then it seems like he is just too comfortable with you and has forgotten what its like to keep the magic going. Honestly if you have already tried to tell him to be more involved, more romantic, then what is the problem? I know what it's like to date in a long term relationship, it can get stale, but it shouldn't get stale to the point where he forgets exciting plans like this. Honestly anon he may just be checked out from you. The real question you should be asking him is if he is even happy continuing this relationship. If he says yes, then ask him why isn't he putting in any effort? Is something external happening that he isn't telling you? If not, then he is honestly just not worth the extra years going forward.
I dated a man for 6 years and he checked out about 3 years into the relationship and I still dragged it our for another 3. Don't fall into the trap. The guy I am with STILL takes me on fun dates even though we have been together for so many years, he listens to me, he hears me if I say he isn't pulling through etc.
Just be aware, and don't fall for the trap of feeling sorry for them (if they have no other external depression/anxiety going on)
Do you still expect sex and physical intimacy from him? Do you still love him? I wonder if you can just emotionally check out until you can break up and move out on your own. He's such a fucking passive loser I would be completely disinterested and distance myself entirely. Like >>263814
said you shouldn't let him ruin your day, clearly he is fine without you and I wouldn't let it show that it's messing with you. It's sad but he is a total loser, don't let it get you down. At least he splits rent with you, I guess. That seems to be the only use he has.
If you've reached the point where he just keeps on letting you down and you're thinking about saving up to move.. the only thing I can advise is to stick to your guns and actually save up and make those plans. Sometimes women freeze when it comes to actually pulling the plug. It can be a daunting thought. If you think he'll be reasonable with you then you can tell him that's the plan in advance.. but if you think he'll act childish/aggressive or that he'd only beg for you back then sit in that info and don't tell him.
In the past I've reached that point too but I was overwhelmed by the thought of moving (mostly money worries) and in the end I just ended up being treated much worse for staying so long. Wish I had planned better and got out before wasting so much of my life. I felt more lonely at that time than I've ever felt while single. It's a depressing way to live.
I've had pretty intense social anxiety since a young age, my first serious bf had the same shit going on and there was a point where I did stand back, look at the two of us being similar flavors of wimp and I wished I had a partner who could step up and be the one to speak up sometimes. I craved that type of dynamic. Whether that's right or wrong.. I had those feelings. I just craved a different type of man. My next partner was different and would step up on occasions where I needed that. Part of me feels weird about it because there's hypocrisy in it but then sometimes you need to date your polar opposite and thrive off of each others strengths. Two similarly struggling people can be a bad pairing. You can end up reflecting each others weaknesses in an uncomfortable way.
If you're getting at something like that I can understand the feeling. I wouldn't strongly react to a single incident but if it's an ongoing thing where you just want a man to be 'a man' in that way then I don't think that's unusual.
This was when I was 20 and going through stuff like my mom dying. I was a mess. I've dated different types since and now I'd say I'm the stronger one in my current relationship. It's been a decade since this guy. But back then I needed a strong person in my life. >>264079
That ex moved back in with his parents after our break up and I recently learnt he's still in moms attic all these years later. He's 34. Part of me felt a pang of guilt at hearing that because I wondered if I could've lifted him out of his rut but I had much worse problems att and he wasn't exactly the support I needed either. I feel like we both would've only stagnanted together. I dated a total opposite guy right afterwards and now I'm with a quieter person again but it works.
He sounds like a great guy, maybe just a little stressed out lately. When the angry lesbianposters in the thread see this and tell you to leave just ignore them
Maybe start with small compromises, like wet cat food vs hard dog kibble. Unchaining you to let you pee in the toilet is probably too far, relationships are give and take you know
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Might be, but I do know the difference between dumb infatuation and having a best friend who wants the same life as me and is my partner>>264315
I’ve been attracted to people but not to the point of fantasizing about them like this. My bf still makes me horny I really think maybe I’m just having a bpd/hormonal moment and cause I can’t wait to feel stupid for this llol>>264320>>264322
Y’all are going to laugh
Ugh I’m ready please tell my vagina she’s stupid
i was a bit startled, this pic is a little unflattering maybe? his mouth is strange. you are brave for posting this kek like >>264333
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it could be linked in the future. I'd delete if I were you, not worth doxxing someone else either.
But honestly anon the way you were describing him made him seem more closer to pic related, not…. that. His features are kind of.. john travolta-y?
Not worth it anon. Go have a cold shower.
I’m probably ugly in the same ways and monkey brain is telling me his dna is similar but not too similar, so we should reproduce.
Also it’s past 30 min, idk how to delet
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I guess Raising Arizona had a big impact on you huh?
>>264422>wasn't sure if our relationship was worth losing his friendship with my sister>"isn't sure" whether he would prefer me or my sister.
No, no, no, 100 times no. Life is way too short to spend it in a relationship with someone who isn't enthusiastically choosing you over everyone else every day, especially when the person they're comparing you with is your own sister
of all things. That's so gross and selfish of him. >She stopped talking to him after we started dating and honestly I don't know why
Because she was romantically interested in him and it was painful to see him dating her sister? And he couldn't care less about the strife he is causing between two siblings. I'm certain this scrote is not worth the strain between you two especially when he can't even settle on which one of you he actually wants. He's not good enough for either of you.
I didn't think she had feelings for him because she's had a boyfriend for a few years now that she's really close with. When we were talking about why she was angry, she kept saying it was because I didn't tell her before I asked him out even though they're friends, to which I responded that she freaked out over me "following him around" when we were all hanging out, which put me off.
Also>Life is way too short to spend it in a relationship with someone who isn't enthusiastically choosing you over everyone else every day, especially when the person they're comparing you with is your own sister of all things.
Thank you for saying this anon, it's given me perspective. I thought I was going crazy and overreacting.>>264427>>264451
I'll be honest, it's not the first time a guy has dated me to get closer to my sister. That's probably why this stings so much, and I feel like I'm being quick to assume that's what's happening, I just can't tell. It sucks because I actually really like him (yeah yeah I know everyone says this) and I don't want to break up with him. It feels obvious that you should want to be with your girlfriend above wanting to be friends with someone else but I just don't know how to explain that to him. I'll also feel really stupid if I break up over a misunderstanding. I don't know. I'm coping hard.
I'm not a movie person, I barely watch one movie a year and I would be extremely turned off if all they'd watch is capeshit, I'd probably dump them for this reason. Petty maybe, but any reason to dump somebody is valid
To me, film is art so I cannot be with someone who does not have the same taste in art as me. Luckily my bf is very open minded and we watch lots of independent films and historical films.
Your taste in art says a lot about who you are in my opinion.
seconded, he doesn't trust you. my ex-bf said the exact same thing but it didn't take long for him to go from "i trust you just not other guys" to "you're dressing like a slut who are you impressing?"
he cannot and doesn't have any right to try and stop you from going anywhere. there is a difference between him saying "just stay safe and stay with your friend" vs "i dont want you to go here" and it's controlling, trust me from experience.
Not a partner but a roommate I had smoked a fuckton of weed any became convinced me and the other girl we were living with were constantly making fun of her. She had a reason to believe this initially as my friend was addicted to coke and acting fucking weird about her in the beginning, but then everything became a dig/trying to pick a fight with her when she was high. My friend and I were looking at memes one night and laughing and she spent months being mad at as because she thought we were mocking her.
I would tell your partner that you two need to have a serious conversation when she’s sober. Let her know your concerns and maybe try and revisit some of those fights when she had a clearer head.
for the reply and help. She self medicates and it's been brought up before a couple times already. I don't think she'd ever go a day without it. We're on a break now and I'm just thinking if I want to deal with this forever.
I'm sorry you had to go through that too and hopefully things are better now. Thank you for your insight it was kind of hard to google that since most people/places says it helps people calm down. I hope you have a nice day!
I'm curious about your general thoughts/opinions on this nonnies:
I've recently befriended a muslim girl who, after a couple times we've hung out, admitted to me she's definitely gay. I had an inkling before this, with the way she spoke about men and how little she cares for them, but it was only the other night she told me. We talked about it and she'd never come out as it would harm her family and their reputation, and she couldn't do that to them. I also am fairly sure she's attracted to me, with the way that she looks at me, the way she'll playfully touch me if we're talking. She gets shy when I compliment her, etc etc. I asked her what she'd ultimately want, and she said she'd hope to marry a gay muslim man so they can both live with a bit of peace on either end, hooking up and dating women on the down low. It seems like she's accepted the fact she'll never be able to have a proper, full relationship with a woman given the circumstances. She walked me to my door that night and we hugged for an obscenely long amount of time, but she didn't reach in to kiss me.
Now, I'm not really looking to date at the moment, I'm pretty happy on my own. She's never slept with a woman before and I think I'd take a lot of care in being her first, or being someone she can experiment with. But she could also fall deeply in love with me, I know how this stuff tends to work lol, and if I'm the first person she's intimate with the feelings might spark hard for her and it can possibly get messy. Do you think I should go for it? Or is it too much of a risk?
It depends on what you mean by passive. Do you mean like with chores around the house? Picking places for dates? My bf was super passive when it came to cleaning and cooking and I literally just brought it up to him and told him I won't do his end of the cleaning and cooking if he doesn't start helping, he was fine with this and now we just split it all.>think I'm calling him a wuss
so does this mean he's passive in larger areas of life such as money?
It could just be a personality thing? I had an ex who just always left things up to me and the more I got to know his personality over the years I just realized from talking to him that he just enjoyed my decision making skills more and was happy for me to be more dominant in that regard. However now I am with a guy and we both take the initiative, so I know how different both those scenarios feel.
Is there lots of love in your relationship? Do you believe that he truly loves being with you? If so then it's probably just him being more introverted.
I mean if you're close, then you shouldn't be afraid of telling him upfront "Look, I would love it if you took more initiative in our day to day. Maybe if you could be more open with your suggestions for dinner or the plans we need to get done?". I don't think he will think you're calling him a wuss, just maybe pointing out an area that needs working on.
If there's not much love from his end anyway, it could just be that he's not involved in this relationship at all, but that will include other factors like ignoring you, doing hobbies instead of seeing you, lack of sex etc.
My guess is that he's like my ex and is just more introverted and not very dominant when it comes to decision making. I personally found it a little tiresome, but for some people it's actually a benefit to be entrusted as the leader with these sorts of plans.
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Ntayrt, but I’m American, and yes I have been asked out in public before by strangers too, but it’s usually just black guys trying to “holla” at me because they fetishize the fact that I’m mixed race. If white guys or any other race do it’s usually only if they’ve been acquainted with me thru school/work/mutual friends, etc.
You have to guage how invested a man is and never extend yourself more than that same amount. They'll only take advantage if they sense you're willing to accept less while giving more.
If he says you're his world… and yet his action don't match up then go by the actions every time. A guy blowing you off all the time for pretty much every other person in his life isn't someone who sees a future with you. This reads as you just being a temporary convenience for him.
In my opinion it has everything to do with how good of a "victim
" they determine you to be and how nonthreatening you look. I think a 10/10 with a resting bitchface gets hit on less than a 7/10 that looks meek and "nice".
I'm not a supermodel but I get hit on in public a lot when walking around in summer, I also get people asking me for directions all the time, I think I just look very approachable/non-threatening and like I would react nice, which is true. I have a very hard time telling people to piss off and I always want to be nice to strangers and am afraid of confrontation, I think that is something predatory males can just sense about you.
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I was supposed to see my boyfriend on June 3rd but he decided to delay it until June 17th (he would've delayed it even later if I hadn't negociated.) His excuse is that he wants more time to himself and to see his friends before I arrive. We're long distance (3hrs away so really not that far) and we haven't seen each other since May 9th.
My birthday is on June 26th and I was really excited to see him but I feel like everytime we see each other it feels like a chore to him. I just want him to love me like a normal girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he's sincere when he tells me he loves me but I think he'd much rather be alone if he had the choice. I'm tired of feeling this lonely even though I'm supposed to be in a relationship. Should I just kill him?
I'm from the UK and I had men follow me into stores to ask me out and even transport. Though most of the time it's from old trashy men.
One time this guy in his 40s started chatting to me after I got off the bus. He told me he saw me before on the bus (this was when I had an interview for my previous job before I got the role) and didn't want to miss out on an oppotunity to ask me out. I kept telling him no and it took 5 minutes of walking and one bus stop for him to finally leave me alone.
I'm in the UK and I get it in cafes, at bus stops and train stations. Anywhere where you sit around for a few minutes there'll be a chancer typically 10 to 15 years your senior treating it like you're out at a bar and it's singles night lol. Sat on a park bench once I had it. I've been caught off guard before so I've chatted with a few but now I try to remember to just act deaf.
The one time I had a legit attractive man appear to chat me up while waiting on the train.. either he lost his nerve or I did because we talked for ages and hit it off.. no number was exchanged at the end. I would've been receptive for once. Damn.
I take it as him showing who he is. Yeah, if you brings up the issue, he may be able to mask it for a while, but his natural instinct is to be selfish, dismissive, and greedy (towards you! the woman he supposedly loves)>saying im wrong when im hurt etc.
I had a shitty ass family, but the one thing my dad taught me is that men who invalidate your feelings like this are trash. This is never fixable
Fair point anon. Granted I will say I wrote this in the heat of an argument we just had and I will say that he does try to listen to me a lot most of the time, I guess I just specifically hone in on the times that he calls me wrong. I still think im in the right most of the time, I do have a lot of anger issues I will admit, but I am working on it.
I will definitely take in your advice into account anon. I will say I don't think he is dismissive and greedy however, quite the opposite, just selfish when it comes to certain things. Thanks again.
>>265577>he does try to listen to me a lot most of the time
Yeah, but the times where you're hurt are the times he absolutely has to listen to you. It's not optional. When he declares you're wrong, when he dismisses your feelings… Those things make your trust waver. Imo you can only take so much of that before you start feeling like he doesn't truly care about you when it counts.
Good luck anon, more than anything you know the exact context of your relationship. I may just be bullshitting because I don't know every single facet of your relationship. I just know that feeling listened to and respected in a relationship is absolutely paramount for me, and what your boyfriend has done would jeopardize that. If he doesn't change I will kill him for you.
I’ve been having this feeling for awhile and I’m glad others feel the same. I usually use LC to vent when I don’t want to put all of my emotions on my IRL relationships because I have a lot of them and it can be overwhelming but it also feeds into my paranoia quite often. >>265617
My dad was an extremely abusive
narc and would have major meltdowns over anything he felt was out of place or made him look bad. Some days it was something as simple as leaving my shoes out and he tripped over them which would lead to a 45 minutes screaming session about how awful and stupid I am. I could barely go out in public with him because things like a water being mildly rude to him would set him off and he would end up with him driving erratically home and not talking to me for 2 days because had I not asked him to go out that waiter would’ve never had a chance to be “mean” to him. I basically spent my entire childhood shielding my Dad from the outside world and trying to keep his emotions in check which obviously never worked. Thankfully he’s dead now and I am getting much more in depth help soon but the anxiety is so deeply ingrained its not something that will go away anytime soon.
Learning to listen to myself and take a time out of things get confusing. I need to assert and assess how I feel before I talk to my partner. Even if they mean well other people have their version of events and it can be hard to know what and why I’m upset or what’s bothering me if I let someone talk their way out of it.
The more boundaries I asserted and the longer I was not uncomfortable the easier it became to notice when I was. I came into my current relationship with a list of hard boundaries I knew from previous ones wouldn’t work without. You watch porn for example. I leave. I don’t care about your past relationships. That’s my boundary to give an example.
Most of the advice out there is just enabling abuse to be honest. Taking a time out and requesting quiet and space isn’t abuse or the silent treatment. Most people who try to equalize the two are over dramatic and haven’t suffered the level of abuse they claim. (I say as someone who grew up severely abused).
Or maybe we want to save our fellow women from a potential lifetime of disappointment or abuse?
Anons cry about being treated like absolute trash by men who don't even have bare minimum ammount of respect for them and when others advice them to rethink their relationship, there are always women like you screeching about it coming from bitterness, when its actually concern. I feel like women like you must be stuck in a pretty awful neglectful sad realtionships and want to keep other anons down with you to feel like its normal. Crab in a bucket mentality alright.
my money's on he's a two-timer and the "friends" he needs more time for is another girl
either way you should ghost him asap
This, though it's hard to tell if or when the "you're too hard on men" or "your standards are set too high" posts are just scrotes tbh. All winter we had a scrote posting this and when challanged enough he'd flip from 'I'm totally a woman just with a different opinion to yours!' to calling us roasties and saying to blow him. So sorry but whenever an anon is on this thread in particular speaking like an outsider to LC while addressing the rest of us like a dumb misguided hivemind.. even telling anons to stay away from lc… honestly it reads as the same thing that was shitting up the thread for months.
Basically every couple weeks now someone pops up crying that lc users don't give men enough chances and it's getting old. I somehow see the opposite issue 9 times out of 10 but somehow we have totally real women who overlook all that suffering and think we're tirants against men for daring to utter the words leave him. I've seen abused women finally hear the words they needed to hear on here. I've seen many an anon return over and over because they refused to leave nigel the first 5 times and the issues never stopped popping up. They take convincing. That's the more common theme on here. But no us being too harsh on men is definitely the problem and getting off this site and lowering your standards for scrotes is the secret to eternal happiness. Of course. Thank you passing lc-hating outsider who is totally female and here to help us see the light.
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Hi nonas, I'm the one who wrote this >>264422
and I figured I'd give an update. The above situation didn't really resolve except for him saying that I was his priority now
that he was no longer able to be friends with my sister. He even said that essentially we are dating because otherwise he would have no one to talk to, and she's cut him off anyways so why not continue dating? He was blasé about the whole thing and made me feel like a convenience or a consolation prize. Afterwards we just kept getting in fights where he would apologize and say the right things, and then go back to being an asshole e.g. saying I need to lose weight (I am literally a normal weight) and that I have "no depth" like, personality-wise. I always immediately called him out and he would flip it around on me, saying I
was the one who was insecure about weight, I
just act boring so what else is he supposed to think. Yes I know you're thinking anon.. and I get it, but it's a tale as old as time: guy is a dick, guy apologizes, guy acts like a gentleman, guy goes right back to being a dick. I need to have the full text of "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft etched into my skull to be honest. Anyhow the kicker was after we had sex for the first time (not my first time, just our first time), he came out with this "I don't like you when we're not together physically, I just don't feel very strongly for you" shit, keep in mind earlier he had been saying he liked everything about me, he loved me. This stressed me the hell out and I said why are we dating if you feel this way, or rather don't feel this way but he just says he likes me "as a person" (read: he likes that I am a female who will fuck him) and that he thinks he could "grow to feel more" for me. Like wow, I guess I'm an acquired taste much akin to chopped liver. I told him this is just untenable, that isn't how you're supposed to feel in a relationship, I asked why we even had sex if he just didn't feel much for me (previously he said he only wanted to have sex with someone he actually felt strongly for, which I agreed with) and he said he just did it so I wouldn't be "disappointed" in him. Like I'm a coercive frat boy and he's a frumpy girl who just wants to be popular. I asked him if he didn't want to, then why did he say yes and then have sex with me? Then he said oh well I mean what guy doesn't want to? Like he was some sadboy manipulated by toxic
masculinity. He even told me that it makes him "uncomfortable" how I have issues trusting men because it makes him feel attacked and upset. When I ask him if he feels bad, how does he think my PTSD makes me feel, he says it's "just different". Well, I think he said that specifically to throw me off kilter because he knows I've been sexually assaulted and I know what it feels like for someone to make you do something you don't want to, and I think he wanted to throw me off because I was saying we should break up due to him lying about being in love. He told me to my face a big part of him not wanting to break up is because everyone (primarily my sister, of course) will think he's a douchebag who was just using me for sex. Not because he cares about me or anything, just his own reputation which he frankly would deserve for being such an asshole. I was exhausted after this whole fight and just wanted to go to bed because it appeared he just would not agree to a break up and so I told him to just go, and now he's texting me as if nothing happened. He's going to be back in town tomorrow and I'm cutting it off. I'm mostly posting all of this humiliating shit here so I won't go back on it. It's so much more than I even said but if I write anymore I'll kill myself for how stupid I was to stay with him. Tldr I'm breaking up with him.
Should I do it in person or over the phone? I'm leaning towards in person because I want to give back his cheap plastic phone stand he got for free that he gave me in an effort to make me cam for him. I don't know where I should do it though. Should I say something to my sister? I already talked it all over with a friend and with my mom. And his sister was wanting me to help her with this important assignment, which I have been helping her but I'm not sure if I should say something to her or not. I've never broken up with someone in person before because I've had mostly online relationships like a typical autist. Do you all think he will react badly? If he does, what do I do?
Noni first off I’m so sorry. That man is human feces and will hence be known as shitdick. You’re not chopped liver and what he did is absolutely fucked. You deserve much better. It was lying, disrespectful and fucked. He’s a piece of shit who deserves to catch something and have his dick rot off.
You’re not a second choice and anybody that does that especially between two siblings deserves what they get from the fallout. He intentionally misled you to sleep with you and was entirely manipulative about it. I saw that as a fellow autist. I’m so fucking mad for you. Shitdick 100% knew what he was doing fucked and didn’t care because it was worth it for what he wanted at the time. He lied on purpose. You should break up with and there’s a decent chance he’ll throw a fit. Keep it short and formal. He will lie and pretend like the jellyfish he is. If there’s one thing weak dick little manipulative man babies do it’s double down and avoiding accountable or “they’d have to kill themselves because it makes them feel like a rapist or a predator.” Hence his freak out on why your man hate or ptsd bother him. (I’m in a relationship now and he absolutely hates other men with me and never needs me to apologize for any it for any salty scrolling just keep scrolling my friends.)
Just a hey given the false pretenses I don’t want to continue this and ask you no longer contact me. Then block him. Fuck him. He’s garbage and you deserve better and have better uses of your time. That pain and upset and disgust you feel? He’s not going to fix it. He caused it on purpose. He gets off on it babes and I’m so sorry you didn’t deserve that.
Also I would talk to your sister and tell her hey. Me and such and such broke up. Just a heads up he’s kind of shitdick and I’d avoid him. If you’re close and she’s receptive then you can tell her more but too aggressive and it might make her upset at you before she understands.
>>265848 > and then go back to being an asshole e.g. saying I need to lose weight (I am literally a normal weight) and that I have "no depth" like, personality-wise. I always immediately called him out and he would flip it around on me, saying I was the one who was insecure about weight, I just act boring so what else is he supposed to think
Damn anon. In terms of whether to break up in person or not it's really up to you. I think there's more respect in in-person break ups but you only owe someone that respect if they've shown you respect while together and if it feels safe aswell. Clearly he didn't show respect or treat you right. If he's calling you fat while you're a perfectly healthy weight there's a high risk of him trying to verbally rip into you when you do dump him. Given he was rude, was using you for sex and the item you want to return to him was some free crap anyway.. you owe him absolutely nothing. Ghost him if you want, text him goodbye if you want. Totally your choice and don't feel bad for whatever one you pick.
In your previous post I do remember thinking you were being too quick to start throwing the word love around or expecting to hear it back. Him claiming to not even like you is messed up but.. In your future relationships I'd maybe slow down on declarations of love. Slowing the pace down gives you a better feel for who you're with before you start saying i love yous and sleeping with them. All that stuff that was wasted on a dickhead like him but if it's your first in-person relationship it's a learning experience. A tough lesson. Sorry to hear how bad it got. Don't take any shit off of him on the way out. He's not worth your time.
I've been through this so I'll share my experience with it just to give perspective on when it goes wrong, not to sway you but just to lay out a scenario to consider. I've only ever told 2 people in my life. The first was a guy who I saw myself being with forever… we lasted 5 years and then split very suddenly and I remember being haunted by the thought that this guy who didn't even want to know me anymore had that knowledge in his hands. I was also paranoid that he'd spill the beans to my dad. My nerves were in bits because of those worries and my ex was a fan of a clean cut so wouldn't talk to me to get closure on that. I went from being convinced we'd be together til the end of time to feeling like this guy was a stranger and not even a very friendly one. It made the break up so much harder and nobody around me understood my near nervous breakdown but that was the underlying cause. It shocked me that he didn't want to even preserve our friendship given I'd handed him this highly protected secret. I regretted it so badly. Lately he contacted my dad (after 9 years of silence) and I went nuts thinking he must've said something. I don't think he did but it dragged up these feelings again and put me in a bad headspace for months. My dad thinks I'm just bitter when I ask him not to talk to my ex. I've to suck up my dad thinking that if I want to keep my secret. The same as me having to suck up people thinking I was just dramatic when the break up hit me and I wanted one last convo with the guy (to ask him to still keep my secret safe) I hate it so much. I never saw this coming at all
The second person I told was my next serious partner. I wasn't as naive that time round but I figured I have lingering issues where sex affects me and it'd be good to tell him why. We were dating a while when he told me his last ex had csa in her past too. This was an ex he never stopped giving out about because he said she had emotional issues and she'd messed him up. My heart sank when I realised how little he'd considered WHY his ex was so emotional. His judgement of her suddenly felt very harsh with this new info. Eventually we split because of sexual issues funnily enough. He wanted things that were a bit out there and he waited til we were together a long time before making an ultimatum about that, trying to force it. I reacted like any csa victim
and lost my shit. He knew and still thought that was ok. We split and he had a new gf within the week which seemed highly sus too lol. Not a great ending to another relationship that again seemed great for the first few years but went very south.
I'm now 2 strikes down and I'm undecided about whether I'll tell the next guy I serious with. I think about it alot. It's a very difficult thing to handle should you not last forever. I was so convinced the first time round that I was safe telling him but life throws shit at you. It's entirely up to you, there's always going to be some risk when confiding in someone. You can't pick their reaction and more importantly you can't see years into the future. It's good that your sex life right now is healthy and that you're not struggling with that part of things. If you're in a great relationship with a sex life to match then it's maybe not a pressing issue right now but it'll always be your call. Maybe if you're heading towards certain milestones (if you want marriage, kids) then you may want to disclose before a certain commitment milestone. If you're planning kids one day I would tell (closer to that time) because becoming a parent often results in a whole awakening of that old trauma.
I was abused as a child for years as well and I unfortunately repeated the cycle myself as an adult, getting severely sexually assaulted/raped etc by 1 of my partners. Granted, I told my parents and they didn't believe me, I told the police, my parents got pissed at me for that, etc. so….my intermediate family knows. I only visit them at Christmas and occasionally sometime in the middle of the year. My point is, this makes our situations somewhat different since my family already knows.
My first bf (who wasn't abusive
), I told. He didn't seem to care one way or another, we were in high school. Looking back, I could have standed not to tell him because he was obviously too young to understand or empathize, plus his life as a whole was entirely trauma free.
My second bf, the abuser, also knew. He himself was abused that way, too. He was sick and it's not worth talking about it. Pretty sure my story was jerk off material for him, I don't really care.
Third partner, current bf, I also told. I can't imagine him not knowing. Being able to talk about it has been very helpful for me getting through it. I actually am in love with this partner, though. So yeah. I think it is important to disclose if you want to be with this person long term, but you don't need to tell immediately. Probably should before you have sex in my opinion, but it takes me at least 6 months to get to that point.
I wanted to make an update on this. I ended up spilling the beans to him because he kept bringing up how he overcame his bad childhood and became successful in life, like he thought I could easily overcome my issues too. It was making me angry that he was kind of comparing his bad childhood to mine. He knew I had a bad childhood, but he didn't know how bad or what happened, and I felt very annoyed that he seemed to assume his was worse than mine and therefore I could easily overcome my past. He kept saying "the past is the past", which made me so mad. Any CSA victim
knows that the past affects the present and there is no way to run away from that.
I didn't tell him gruesome details, but I told him a lot more than I expected to. I said "something very bad happened to me" and "my father was a sociopath", but he again compared it to his childhood and said he understood, that his dad beat his mom so much he had to call the police etc. I told him I WISH I had been beaten, and he isn't understanding me. This is where it began to sink in. I didn't have to explain further, but I told him that I experienced this for years and that I wanted to kill myself during that time. That ever since then I have had a deep disgust with myself that is hard to escape.
I am astonished with how he reacted. He was so compassionate. He showed me true love and empathy. He wasn't pitying me or traumatized like some previous people have reacted. I think he was able to handle it better than an average person because he also comes from a ton of trauma. He simply reassured me I'm not broken, I'm not dirty, he doesn't look at my differently, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I cried so hard. I've never felt so understood before. I believe him too, I don't think he looks at me differently. He is a really special person with a very kind heart. I love this man. He is so healing for me.
Anon your prose is beautiful. I've been referring to him as "shitdick" mentally all day lol. Also a misandrist scrote, damn. A diamond in the rough. I agree though, I'll make it quick and make no room for arguments.>>265858
Part of me is thinking a text will do as well. I just don't want to see him again. I hate that I was so stupid. He was constantly talking in circles and saying one thing and then doing/saying another.> In your previous post I do remember thinking you were being too quick to start throwing the word love around or expecting to hear it back.
I thought so too, even though I'd thought it (bpdchan perhaps) I hadn't said it because I figured it was too early to really know but then he said that he loved me. It was out of nowhere because he'd previously said he "wasn't the kind of person to say that" which kind of inversely convinced me he meant it… which was probably the point. It's just obvious looking back.
I'm breaking it off tomorrow, he'll probably see it coming because I've been incredibly dry over text. Thank you both SO much for your kindness and support, seriously.
Reading this makes me cringe so badly, I spent too much time in a "relationship" that was exactly like what you describe, down to a T. I was sad and desperate and thought I'm actually loved. It sucks looking back at what it was. >>266005
my advice would be to confront him, tell him your specific expectations from a relationshim and be ready to break up.
A self-hating Mexican, very common. It isn't cool he said that about you being Asian. It's silly imo to directly avoid race, your cultures are different and it's important to understand them. Are you both very young? I'm trying to figure out why he might be so insecure, but only you can know that, really.
My Mexican boyfriend, while very proud to be an American, is also proud of his Mexican heritage, too, though he is willing to admit its faults in terms of blind spots in their culture and such. My ex also was Mexican and was the same way. It's always a slight challenge dating someone of a different race, but in my case, it's more difficult because it feels like you need to prove you're a certain way to their families. And really, it has less to do with their race, more like the differences in upbringing in my experience.
We are not young, but I think he just has this hangup on not wanting to be a seen as a victim
or other. He says he doesn't like to hang out with other Mexicans because they don't want to assimilate and they want to be victims
. He's a high achiever in a STEM field and maybe feels like he has to prove something. I think he definitely has a love/hate relationship with his culture.
>>266199 >He's told me it's not a deal breaker if I decide I don't want kids but idk, I don't feel right about it
I don't know if he's just really banking on getting you to change your mind down the line but you're absolutely right to feel funny about this. > I want kids and you don't
< No biggie tho
That's just not realistic. I think a day will come where that realization will dawn on him and either he'll put the pressure on or he'll leave. It's better to be blunt about this now and not sink years into such a shakey belief that kids somehow aren't a dealbreaker. That's the number one delabreaker of them all.
yes, instead, they expect up women to pick up after them since most of them are basically children too. not all men who have children learn to be responsible for another human being - in fact, most don't. but among men who do not want children, all do not.>>266416
go back to /r/childfree to reee about "chrotchdroppings" and call women "breeding sows"
I had a similar situation but the opposite way around. I really wanted a family but he said he hated children. I thought he'd change his mind as the years went on but he was pretty adamant.
It's definitely a deal breaker and not something someone can just 'forget about'. I suggest you let your bf find someone else if you don't want to start a family with him.
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I want to break it off with my white fiance because my community is seriously self-hating and colorist and I don't want to contribute with yet another example of someone marrying out. I don't hate myself and love my skin tone. I've been telling myself that I'm more white than not so it's not really really "racemixing" anyways, but my phenotype makes me look half white at the most and that's how others will perceive our relationship as – IR. Not like they can ask to see or I can show them my genepool, that'd be weird. I don't fetishize him, I genuinely love him, but I feel like our relationship is still ruined somehow. I don't know if I'm just being incredibly stupid.
It's also because of how he may perceive me tbh. I specifically remember back during our first couple of dates him asking if I had a thing for white guys and acting disappointed when I said I didn't. It was a joke supposedly but that still means the whole colorism thing is widely known outside, and that's just plain embarrassing. My family doesn't help either, most act like retards when I bring him around and have to bring up his whiteness. Meanwhile his family doesn't comment on my race. I imagine it doesn't set a good impression for why I'm with him.>>266470
Is it "racemixing" if I'm already mixed myself? I'm hispanic. 60% white, rest is amerindian and minor black, ~3%. My non-white shows through the most though, especially in my skin. I never suffered from missing identity because our culture is already mixed, there are no two to pick from unless your parents are from differing hispanic countries. I look different than my mom, dad, and siblings, but every other family is the same way so it isn't weird and people don't ask questions, when you've mixed so much it's just a fact of life one or two kids may not look like you – they may look like their grandma or great-grandma instead – and hispanic people understand this. Colorism is something else entirely.
>For example white male asian female or white male black female couples, the kids will look black or asian more than white and whenever they are out with their dad alone people will assume they are not his kids.
Yeah I admittedly have no experience with this because of the aforementioned. Considering I'm technically a bit more white than anything else though, wouldn't that increase the likelihood they take more after him phenotypically? Or does the "type of white" matter? He's slavic with light features, and obvi most of mine is southern european, with darker features. Probably because I'm mixed, but I wouldn't really care if my kids looked nothing like me. Though I guess they probably still wouldn't look like him either, whcih is where you're saying the issue lies…
He's also catholic, and I was raised strictly catholic, so there's some
shared culture there. That's leaving out the fact I'm in the U.S. and there aren't a whole lot of people from my country here, so I can't really partake in my culture even if I wanted to.
I am the product of a white-Latino marriage (although my mom is the white one which can make for a different dynamic). I think you're reading into the annoying part of our culture a bit too much with the perceived colorism thing. There are 100% lots of people who marry white out of a self-hating feeling, but in my experience people can usually tell when that's the reason you're with them. If you genuinely love your fiancé, like my parents love each other, people will be a lot less inclined to give you shit over it by lumping you in with the colorist Latinos. My ex was Mexican and he was 100% a self-hating colorist, from what I tell his longest relationships have been with white girls. It was a different dynamic, if you're not going on about how "oh I'm mostly Spanish/Italian/whatever lighter skinned ethnicity" then I don't think people will think you're with your guy because of his skin color.
As for the being mixed thing, as long as you encourage any kids you have to be proud of both sides but also not make a big deal out of it, they'll probably end up fine. My siblings and I are all mixed and I think we ended up without hang-ups. Just make sure that if you have mixed kids they can speak Spanish lol. I do think being mixed with Latino of any kind is the best race to be mixed into because we're generally all mixed and thus much more accepting of each other than many other groups I've seen.
Anywho, sorry for popping off, I just really resonated with your situation and I don't want you to ruin a good thing because of cultural pressures. People will judge you for so many stupid things in general anyway, don't live your life based on that. Focus on what makes you happy. Wishing you the best, Nonita!
Thanks anon, I just haven't brought it up yet because I thought it's silly.>>266499
Yeah that's a way different dynamic. Also, i guess idk, I'm not close to many people and that includes any white x hispanic couples, so I haven't been able to really observe and learn the differences between someone colorist and self-hating vs not. And yeah I don't, I only brought it up here in the context of what our kids might look like, even he doesn't know my genepool breakdown. I just identify as I and other people perceive me, and that is predominantly non-white.
I'm curious, who do you and your siblings take after the most? do you look like neither of your parents, or one more than the other?
Thankfully he said he would want them to be bilingual lol, he even is learning Spanish himself from me.
Also I agree but it's more that I wouldn't want my family pedestalizing my kids over their other cousins or something if they turn out to be lighter either, and thats what colorism does. They may not exclude anyone or doubt they belong, but there's def some ranking going on. And then there would be their dad side of the family I hadn't thought about, which also matters, would they exclude them if they don't look similar? What was your experience like?>>266503
I get what you're trying to say and not that it matters but I'm dark-skinned, and phenotype doesn't always reflect genotype so that's why I mentioned what percentage white I am. It's a bit rarer to be dark-skinned and more than half white than it is only half and light-skin ime. Which is why I was thinking they might look more like him. I even have three also dark-skinned cousins who had lighter kids.. One has a pale brunette daughter and an olive-skin toned blonde daughter with green eyes, the other a pale light brown haired with blue eyes son, and the last one a dark-skinned blonde daughter. I get that looking similar is not the same as identical though, but even then, looking at my family and most of them being pale and only a few of us being dark, I think they might more likely than not be lightskinned at the very least and less likely to be excluded because of it. I think that's what matters the most to white people than other coloring, I don't see them sticking redheads with redheads, grey eyes with grey eyes, and so on and so forth. Coloring is also the only thing me and my boyfriend have that is different, all of our facial features are pretty similar. He's not even similar to his own bio sister, she has light brown hair meanwhile he's blonde. You brought up alot to think about though and I will bring it up with him, thank you, soz for making this so long
oh and I forgot my mother in law also has black hair and his dad light, point is white people dont discriminate against eachother based on coloring so even if they end up black hair with black eyes but light skin, they would still be considered white enough???
just thinking aloud at this point, waiting for him to come back i'm just really nervous my bf is going to think i'm trying to call things off and using this as a cop-out
Hard agree. This is so weird. I have a Mexican boyfriend and we've never gotten weird about our racial differences, even though it's a known trope and joked about how white girls are prized for Mexicans. We sometimes talk about cultural differences and how there's negatives and positives to both cultures. It weirds me out how anon is obsessed with her potential child's features, inb4 skull measuring.
To be honest, it's mostly white/latin backgrounds I see that get the most obsessed with "preserving" their ethnicity.
and my siblings and I take after my mom more. One sister is half-black (we just share a mom by blood) and she also turned out pretty white besides her curl pattern. I'm probably an outlier because a lot of people seem to take strongly after the non-white parent but it's never affected my experiences with my father. Granted both our families are accepting and we live in a liberal area of the US, but racism/colorism is not escapable. If your boyfriend has hangups about his kids possibly looking different from him that should be a reason to reconsider the relationship for sure. But you really need to look at how much of this is your anxiety and only in your head. I don't think that any relationship will be perfect in terms of race/culture unless you date someone the same culture and appearance as you, who has the same attitudes about it that you do. Realistically, you're going to have mixing to a degree and it's much better to find someone you like as a person before you focus on how your differences could possibly cause issues. If you guys already work well together, I don't see it getting worse when you take the next steps in life.
Again, I encourage you to just sit him down and have a conversation about it. You're getting to the point of over-analyzing phenotypes from my perspective, many of the issues you're nervous about are addressable once you know the mindset he has about it. Like, so what if your family puts a whiter kid you have on a pedestal? Just establish that as a boundary that you aren't okay with. There are so many things that come up in marriage and creating a family, I think you're better off just making sure where your partner stands and then tackling each issue as they come. Don't keep your life from progressing because something MIGHT happen. You got this, Nona.
What I'm not obsessed, I never really thought about what they might look like, anon literally said my bf might be bothered in the long run because they won't look completely like him. And it's not far-fetched, white men and non-white men are different. I was just taking into perspective what my family looks like and what it may predict they'd look like. >>266535
Makes sense, you did mention that colorist ex.
Also true, I don't know why I've been thinking about this lately I swear I didn't care before. Thank you for the great advice nonny
Because you specifically asked I’m not going to say it, but I beg of you, look at what you are considering a worthwhile relationship. >Empty words of affection with zero action backing them up>Doesn’t care about your feelings and dismisses your earnest pleas for more time together >No job>Lives with his parents >Doesn’t bother to see you despite living close
Sure bring it up with him again, but you’ve already tried to discuss it and you know he doesn’t care. So what do you think will happen differently the next time? Here’s something you can try - give him a taste of his own medicine. He doesn’t want to be with you? Great. Ghost him for the next few months. See if he likes that then say he’s just overreacting when he complains about it (if he remembers you exist). Of course having to play stupid games like that and trying to convince someone to love you sounds like it wouldn’t help with your depression, would it?
I doubt you did anything. I had a bf like him when I was younger (unemployed and reticent to spend time with me) and in retrospect it was definitely a 'him' problem. Unemployed men feel useless and pathetic (rightfully so) and hate being confronted by real life and other people's expectations. They prioritise escapism and avoiding responsibility over their relationships. Maybe he's depressed too, seems likely considering his situation and that's way more likely to make them solitary than want to spend time with you.
Anyway his reasons don't matter, the golden rule is that if he wanted to, he would. It might be hard breaking up but if you're struggling with mental health that's one less stressor in your life and eventually you'll be better off.
I don't know what to think about this. A few months ago a girl my boyfriend used to be in class in elementary school suddenly texted him on Instagram asking how he has been doing and If he would want to meet up with her to 'reconnect' since they used to be classmates. It's not a class reunion but a 1 on 1 meeting she wants to have with him. It's weird since she texted him about it a few months ago and he replied with 'I am in uni, stressed and havent got time, maybe some other time' which I found super weird because why wouldn't he want to make clear that he doesn't want to see her and instead give her hope and reinforce her acting? Told him the first time she texted him that I found it super odd since they were literally only classmates not even talking with each other and were just people having in the same class and barely acquaintances due to his narration (apart from being friends in kindergarten but that doesnt even truly count for me) so why would she want to reconnect with a person she never even had a real connection with but a literal stranger in that situation? A few days ago she texted him again (after months of no contact) and asked him again if he had time to meet up with her to which he replied 14 hours later with 'Yeah we can do that lets just see in the next few weeks' which I find super fucking weird since he barely finds time to meet (my rant here >>265040
) but apparently can tell her that he could make time to meet with a literal nobody and a stranger? I was super pissed when he told me about this and said to him that I find it extremely odd, weird and just disrespectful of him to do that shit since he was really fucking overprotective of this and saying stuff like 'Why do you think so negatively of this situation? She just wants to reconnect with a few old classmates.' But like what the fuck you weren't even friends or talking to each other so why the fuck would she want to reconnect with you specifically (apart from her old girl friends from the past)? I told him my boundaries and that If he were to make time and meet with her this relationship would definietely suffer something he wouldn't be able to recover. After that he told me that I am too controlling and think of it 'too negatively' and that 'I cannot know if her intentions are weird oder bad' but like what the fuck neither can you so why are you so sure and dedicated to make time for her and meet with her 1 on 1 to reconnect with a literal nobody who was nothing of significance in the entirety of your life? I find this to be extremely fucking weird and don't have a good feeling about this yet I am still unsure If I am just overthinking and overreacting in this situation.
I don't think being in a relationship means you have to give up masturbating to some totally unattainable fantasy person every now and then. You can't police someones thoughts to erase all those celebs they already took a liking to before you ever even met each other. I see it as harmless within moderation.
My crush rn is my fave musician. I've always had fussy and very limited taste in music so he's pretty much all I listen to and is important to me in that respect too. He appeals to me for multiple reasons, some very meaningful and some hormone based lol. If I meet someone tomorrow I don't feel like that side of things will just go away and I wouldn't want someone banning me from playing his shit out of concern either. I think it's good to find a balance of not being too blatent about it or upsetting your partner by banging on about crushes too much or rubbing it in their face, but also not being in total denial that celeb crushes can follow you in and out of your relationships and last the distance. I extend the same rules to others. You like an actress.. she looks good in her latest film… I don't need to know all the details but there's no way it's going to manifest into anything real so I won't lose sleep over it.
I think porn stars are different obviously, there's a world of difference between having to purely imagine what your crush even looks like naked and there being an extensive catalogue of them having every crazy type of sex out there. That stuff bleeds into relationships on a different level and affects your sex life in ways that don't compare to liking a singer, an actor or a made up character.
I think it's possible to date while having middling self esteem if you are capable of maintaining firm boundaries and have a strong understanding of what subtly abusive
behaviors look like. That being said those things are much easier to achieve when you do have high self esteem.
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Nonnies, would you take back someone in your life (online) that you don't want to be in a relationship with or friends with, but just want for entertainment?
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Male friends don't actually exist, right?
I'm saying this as a spergy unfeminine ex-nlog who feels alienated from and intimidated by the majority of women, much like large parts of lolcow's userbase. I've had problems making friends my entire life so I gravitate towards weird/nerdy men that don't "judge" me (oh but they do)
I used to be naive and think I could have a close intimate platonic relationship with a man but I (picrel) flip-flop between getting very angry at him, being in love with him, and being disgusted by him - 50/50 it's me being intense and him legitimately being disappointing and constantly hurting me with his apathy and random intimacy.
I do think I'll always have an unrequited crush on him, he used to like me when I was younger but I'm sure (even if he likes the convenience of having me around) that he has zero feelings for me, and likely does not care much for me as a person even in our "friendship". He really, really hurt me a while back and that wound keeps being reopened when I get too close to him.
Should I cut him off? He's essentially my only friend since years back and knows more about me than anyone else. It's painful to stay but I know I'd lose a lot if I imploded the relationship, even though that's what someone with self esteem would do. He has some very positive effects on me and I have mutual acquaintances that might be good to have access to.
I often feel like he's hanging out with me as he would with a weird quirky internet friend that he can share memes to and sometimes vent to without worrying about judgement from people that truly matter… While I really like him and depend on him. I care far more about him, that's for sure. And maybe it would be better to draw a line in the sand:
>either you have me in your life in the form of a meaningful relationship or we part ways
Aka we part ways.
It's ruinous for my already abysmal self esteem to be with people who are embarrassed by me, but what do I do if that's all I ever get? Is it worse than being isolated? I feel like I will never find friends who genuinely like me. I'm an incredibly unattractive autist with social anxiety, depression and learned helplessness. Aka a loser people rightfully are ashamed of hanging with. It's annoying to be around passive and insecure people so I understand it.
It sounds like your problem has less to do with this guy and more to do with your abysmal self image. Not saying that he's a good friend or even a good person, obvi. I certainly don't think you should keep him in your life. You allow people to mistreat you and you tolerate all this stress and disappointment because you believe that (a) this is what you deserve, (b) that raising your standard's is too dangerous, and (c) no one could ever love you. I am here to tell you now that these beliefs are false. At risk of sounding super cheesy, no matter how "unattractive" or "weird" you are, you deserve to be loved and cherished in mutually fulfilling friendships.
And I'm not going to say "you just have to find the right people!" You don't need to "fix yourself" in the traditional sense either. You don't need to perform femininity, repress your personality, or take up normie hobbies. What you need to do is examine your life and commit to treating yourself better. Practice positive self talk. Practice body neutrality. Meditate. Take care of yourself. It makes me so sad when anons come on here obviously traumatised and in poor mental health, writing paragraphs to justify staying in a toxic
relationship, sprinkled with seemingly factual declarations that they are unlikable and undeserving. You deserve better Nona. That's the truth. Self love is not a substitute for the love of friends and family, but when you enter into relationships from a place of strength and confidence, you won't allow yourself to be treated this way because you'll know the truth too.
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So there's this guy that I find really cute and we have similar interests and I love talking to him, but I don't know how I'd feel about doing anything more than kissing him. I'm sexually confused and I know I like women in that way, but my autism makes it hard to determine how I feel about men. I'd love to go on cute dates and cuddle and whatnot, but the idea of actually fucking men is not very appealing to me. Idk if getting involved with him would be a mistake then, or if it might end up turning out alright.
judge me all you want, but somehow we both got very lucky
Update: That night left me with what I think is a UTI, days long vaginal pain and lots of bruising. As well as depression. I bitched him out via text and said exactly how fucked up everything he did was. I could never do it confidently speaking so texting was all I could do. I am really nervous because I never stood up for myself like that and hope I didn't come across unhinged and like another "crazy ex" trope. I guess I'm just venting at this point so I'll sage, but I appreciate the support I got here. The only person I have to talk to is my mom and she would be upset with me for this because he has a good job and is our religion.
But it's really hard dealing with heartbreak, I was in bed for 30 hours and intermittently sobbing every hour or so kek. Even had to hide the wedding thread. I was really planning a future and everything with him. I thought I got randomly blessed for once and then suddenly mask off.
I appreciate you nonnies. Becoming a cat lady is honestly more appealing to me now that I've tested dating. I would rather live with you ladies than attempt this love thing again anytime soon.
>>267278>but he's just a moid at heart and I probably won't be happy with him in the long run, I want to grow old with a woman who loves me enough to not do this shit
BUT IT WAS YOUR IDEA! You literally asked for a poly-relationship so you could cheat on your husband and then when he cheats on you you say "wow what a moid, only women can know true love". Lmfao. You did it first.
This is honestly so retarded this has to be bait. No way is anyone this stupid outside of reddit.
Yeah I know it's hard to believe but I really am that retarded. In my ideal world neither of us would feel guilt because it was allowed. But in reality, I still feel cheated on, and like I cheated on him. But he feels perfectly fine about it.
You don't know how you're going to feel about it until it actually happens. I didn't bait and switch him on purpose, I just didn't know I would hate poly this much.
If it's real then I feel really bad for you anon and since you can very clearly tell what you want and how are you feeling, you must share it with him, not just us. In the end it all started with him saying that he would do anything to save your marriage, and that should include stopping with this whole poly relationship thing.
I know I would never be able to get over the feeling of getting betrayed and I would never be able to build the trust back, so you should take this eventuality into account too, especially being BPD.
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There is a guy who a public figure, not like super famous but was really talked about years ago. Back then I wanted to talk to him so much but of course it never happened. Anyway he was completely out of the public eye for a long time, he just came back on social media recently, but obviously I gradually stopped caring because I just never heard anything about him and I'm not obsessive. Anyway I casually interacted with some stuff he posted, not expecting anything obviously, but somehow he saw my photos and messaged me with shit like if I think he's too old for me and he thinks I'm attractive. He comes across as very aloof, but this guy used to be like the second coming of jesus to me (obviously exaggerating, but I really liked him) so of course it felt so nice to hear that even now. But I don't know how to feel about it, obviously he doesn't really give a shit but I don't know if I should just not engage because my brain goes like picrel about him for various reasons. He's extremely intelligent, and much older than me so I feel inadequate anyway.
I mean he's not ancient, he's 40s and I'm 20s. I apparently look younger because a lot of the time the first thing men ask is if I'm old enough, but it kind of bothers me when men just want to make sure you're legal because those are the types who are not interested in their own age group usually.>>267310
Lol it's not Projared
There's only three reasons a man in his 40s is interested in an early 20s woman:>At best he's immature and can't level with women his own age>He chases youthful looks, which you won't have forever either so it doesn't make him a reliable long-term partner>He chases (relative) inexperience/naivity/power imbalance in his favour to take advantage of it
None of these are any good. A well adjusted, emotionally mature man in his 40s with a healthy outlook on women doesn't date 20 somethings.
>>267307>he saw my photos and messaged me with shit like if I think he's too old for me and he thinks I'm attractive
Ew anon if you actually still find this man remotely attractive after doing this shit please work on your self esteem. >He comes across as very aloof
Yeah well not anymore huh? He's outed himself as a creeper who messages young women he doesn't know to hook up with them. I don't know how you can still look up to him after this. No matter how book smart he is in the end he's still a gross scrote trying to get his dick wet. >>267314>he's 40s and I'm 20s
Massive difference in life experience and self knowledge. If you want to interact with him then no one can stop you, but he clearly he only wants sex and if that's what you're after then why not go after with someone your own age who actually has a nice body and stamina? I used to fall for the "older men are sooo mature and cool" meme too but in reality they don't and shouldn't have anything in common with you. If they do, it's because they're manchildren. >I feel inadequate
You shouldn't, he's trash.
Yeah to be honest, if it was just some random guy I wouldn't bother responding to that type of message.
And I mean he was speaking to me in a really aloof way, like I was kind of like am I inconveniencing him by answering his questions?
Thanks for being realistic though, I know it should be disillusioning, it's just even if I'm not infatuated with him anymore, it's hard to acknowledge it's kinda lame because I still feel like he's unique. He's isn't considered attractive I think but he makes me feel things lol.
And I used to be into much older men too, now I feel like even 10 years is kinda pushing it, mostly because a lot of men who are only into younger women really suck from what I've seen. Also most men don't age as well as they think they do lol
If you're both going to the concert together and you suggest something then no matter what the reason is for suggesting it, I think >"Isn't that up for me to decide?"
Is kind of a pigheaded response from him isn't it. You're both going together… both get to discuss the details of the night and have a say. I don't care if he likes the band more or he bought the tickets or whatever. That's kinda fucked. That and you appear to be making a good point so its two layers of fucked
>>267559>but that would feel really weird for me to say to him? like telling him his own interests?
You could just talk to him instead you're writing down paragraphs here. Idk anon from my perspective you're making things unnecersarily difficult for yourself. Just tell him he doesn't actually like concerts (just the musi) since apparantly he isn't connecting the dots himself, or tell him you'll only go on the condition you won't leave early. You could stay silent but what's the point in that? You'd just get more irritated. Also agree with what >>267583
said about you two going together
his response was directed at him being the one to decide whether or not he likes it or not, but i agree in the fact that it does involve me ultimately. if he doesn’t like it, then we both might go home. thnx anon>>267584
the point of this fucking thread is to write paragraphs and discuss potential relationship issues, i don’t get why me asking here first is a problem? that’s the premise of the thread?
>>267559> A part of me is a little irritated that he isn't connecting the dots that he just doesn't like concerts (well the kind of concerts his fave bands throw), but that would feel really weird for me to say to him?
just phrase it less directly. like,
> are you sure you want to go? you don't seem to enjoy concerts that much, the last few times XYZ happened and we had to leave early
instead of telling him he doesn't like concerts. because he could, despite getting overwhelmed. maybe he keeps going because he's trying to get used to them, idk.
People seem to be more receptive if you just point out a pattern of behavior you notice rather than trying to tell them directly how they feel/think. Anyway, does he use earplugs? If not he should. Maybe that will help the experience, I could never watch a concert without them.
Because your partner isn't going to always be the best person to talk to, especially if it's about issues they're creating. Men have ego problems and can't handle being wrong for something.
And I can't speak for other nonas but I only reach out beyond my relationship when trying to communicate ends up going nowhere.
Nta and I agree, but when I was naive and in a bad relationship I truly believed the issues my bf was creating could be solved if I just "communicated" to him the right way. I figured if what I was saying didn't work, then maybe I was phrasing it wrong and other people would have a better idea of the words I should use. If you look through this thread and prior ones or anywhere a woman is asking about her relationship, you'll see it constantly. >I've talked to my boyfriend about the same issue 127 times and it gets better for a few days but then he goes back to doing the same thing. I must not be explaining it to him in the right way, otherwise he would do it. What's that, I'm enabling him by staying in the relationship when he clearly doesn't respect me at all? Oh no no, however could you think that? We love each other so much, he even bought flowers for my birthday once. Well it was actually two days after my birthday, but it's the thought that counts! He's just a big baby boy who doesn't understand simple words repeated over and over and over. What is the proper way to teach him how to do what I want?
We're meme'd into thinking there are magical words that can make a man who doesn't give a shit finally listen and care. Of course there aren't, but most anons and women in general don't understand that out of the gate. Try not to blame them. The relationship industry has made millions on gaslighting women into thinking any problem can be solved if they simply keep talking about it.
I'd love to hear from anyone in a relationship that started out long distance. I'm okay at picking up signals and flirting in real life, but I've never done long distance before, so I'm a little lost.
basically there's this friend I made online (I know) a few years ago because we have mutual friends and followed each other on social media despite living on different coasts. it was a pretty casual thing where we'd dm occasionally and share memes, but last summer we started talking a lot more, snapchatting, etc. over the last few months he's become the person I text most often, and we've really connected, even hanging out on discord. honestly, at first it was just nice to have someone to talk to while everything was still closed down last year, but I've definitely developed some feelings for him.
Here's the thing: I have no idea if it's all been explicitly romantic. he's definitely flirty and complimentary, but I know that he's outgoing and for a while I brushed it off as part of who he is. based on the amount of time we spend talking and some of the flirting I have reason to believe that his intentions are romantic, but he's never asked me out or explicitly said that he feels that way.
I'm basically wondering if I can expect him to ask me out or say something about his intentions. What signals should I look for that would indicate romantic intentions? If I felt more sure that he wants a relationship, I would happily pluck up the courage to say something, and figure out how a ldr would work from there. Again, if we spent less time together I would say it's a normal friendship, but we talk A LOT.
Alternately, if you can think of why a man would spend several months talking to a woman and spending many evenings watching/playing shit with her without making a move, I'd love to hear it lol
>>267755>why a man would spend several months talking to a woman and spending many evenings watching/playing shit with her without making a move
Loneliness, emotional validation, female companionship without the need to put in effort, boredom, limerence, keeping his options open, immaturity. >if I can expect him to ask me out or say something about his intentions
If he hasn't done any of this over the span of years then he has no real intent to pursue you and is just enjoying the pseudo-romantic attention and flirtation you engage in. LDRs are a meme for a reason, don't spend your time and energy on someone who is not serious. And before you come at me for not understanding, I say this as someone who did transition from LDR to marriage (did not last), but we were making plans to move to the same location within months of meeting. Also would never do it again. There is so much information about someone you can only obtain from regularly seeing them face to face. If one of you moved near the other person's location for unrelated reasons, then considering a relationship might make sense, but that's not happening.
>>267758>Loneliness, emotional validation, female companionship without the need to put in effort, boredom, limerence, keeping his options open, immaturity. >If he hasn't done any of this over the span of years then he has no real intent to pursue you and is just enjoying the pseudo-romantic attention and flirtation you engage in.
Yeah, that sounds right. I came to a similar conclusion a month or so ago, actually, and took a step away from responding to him. He backed off a bit, but after a few weeks he reinitiated contact, and here we are. To an extent, it's my pride that's keeping me on the line at this point: I don't want to admit to myself that I've basically been strung along. Facing that possibility makes me feel stupid, so it's almost easier to remain in this limbo and pretend it could turn into something more for the sake of my own ego. Well, that and I really do like him. I get my fair share of male attention, but I very rarely connect with men, for obvious reasons. And I really really don't want to go through the dating app ringer.
oh well. I think I needed external confirmation that this is going nowhere, so thanks.
so happy to hear that nonna, also amazing props to all of the responses.
you can do it, it's not easy, but you've already done one of the hardest parts.
>>267870>Wanting others input and reassurance means you're retarded
Are you a moid who's gf posted here about you or something? You know damn well these anons abusive
ass boyfriend are stomping off and giving the quiet treatment when relationship problems are discussed. Don't want your relationship problems to be talked about? Most women love to talk things out but moids don't want to or don't give honest answers. Women wouldn't have to rely on strangers for advice is moids would communicate just like they preach
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Dummy, don’t take moid bait.
True. Pretty sure I know exactly what moid is posting too since he serial dates farmers, is extremely emotionally abusive
and throws tantrums is said farmers post on relationship advice threads after he ghosts them instead of communicating like a grown ass man
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I could use some advice or at least some different perspectives.
My fiance and I have been dating for almost 6 years, first "serious" love, we live together, he's madly in love with me, basically can't see myself with anyone else, etc etc
For a little while now I've had like hardly any drive for sex, kissing, etc (cuddling and whatnot is all dandy)
My fiance is nice enough about it but he's stated that it's of course mentally wearing on him that I shut him down or don't initiate. I of course feel a bit guilty about it but I just also don't want to force myself? It didn't start out this way in our relationship at all so that of course upsets my fiance more so. It just kinda feels like a chore now? or boring? Like my mind is constantly elsewhere and more concerned with other things. It's frustrating nonnies, I'm sure it's some mental bs. I do truly love my fiance I'm just unsure what to do about my literal non-existent libido.
Okay, hear me out. I asked one of my friends how she'd feel if her bf suddenly stopped wanting sex or affection if she did still want those things. She said she'd worry he was unattracted to her or annoyed with her or something. I asked her what she'd do about this, and she said she'd probably go on a diet or try to pay more attention to his moods blah blah etc. In essence, she told me she would see it as a sign that she needed to work on the problem, which makes me wonder why it doesn't go the other way.
I mean, look at this >>267987
Are we supposed to just accept this? Why do we expect so little of men?
I bet you anything that on some level, you are dissatisfied. You would feel affectionate and attracted to him if there weren't a whole bunch of little problems turning you off. Is he doing his share around the house? Is he making you feel attractive and appreciated? Is he attentive, funny, and charming? Does he care about what's going on in your life? Is he staying in shape? Is he getting lazy in bed? Does he care about getting you off or just himself? Most importantly, are you in a position where you're comfortable talking about these things?
I think women have a tendency to just dismiss our own discomfort/disappointment/dissatisfaction with "I love him, and I should be grateful" but most men have no idea what we want and don't try to find out. If they want something, they ask for it. If we want something, we think "oh, I guess he doesn't want to give it to me."
Do some soul searching. Write a page in your journal about your day with a perfect boyfriend. Be self-indulgent and a little ridiculous. Once you do that, you might figure out what's missing. My dream guy wouldn't state "that it's of course mentally wearing on him that I shut him down or don't initiate". He'd tell me he was concerned that something had changed between us, and he wanted to talk about it.
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Thank you, I have a feeling some dissatisfaction has to do with it? I've felt so personally guilty since I'm the one who's "changed feeling" or felt less lovey dovey/butterflies. He's great and attentive about most things thankfully, but you're right about the fact of women being dismissive of their own discomfort. I think I definitely struggle with that sometimes. We can talk about issues thankfully its just hard to put my perspective into words if that makes sense?
Thank you for the sound advice though nonny
I appreciate it
I think this is really being in denial about how male sexuality works. "If he loved me he would accept that I don't want to have sex with him".. like, what? That's not how it works for men. Men get their intimacy through sex, while we are okay with holding hands, kissing, cuddling, spending intimate time together and our need for intimacy is fulfilled. For men it is not. Their brains are wired to emotionally bond through sex. They need sex to stay bonded to their partners.
I'm currently pregnant and honestly my libido has never been so high and I am starting to realize how men feel ALL OF THE TIME and wow is it annoying and debilitating. Like it's hard to focus on doing anything else if you are super horny and if your partner rejects you for sex it really hurts and is disappointing (even tho in our case it's because I want to do it 3 times a day and he's spent). Call me a pick-me or whatever, but I think relationships just can't work if your sex-drives are completely opposite. Expecting your partner to just deal with that because "he loves you" is unreasonable and frankly totally unrealistic for the majority of men.
Why do you think there has been a decline in 3 years? That's a lot of time to be with someone and consistently feel so unsupported that your mental health gets worse and worse. I'm guessing you two don't live together? It also seems as though he is not getting the right support/you don't seem to know the core issue. Mental illnesses occur a lot in relationships however the positive of being in a loving partnership with another person is that they genuinely make sure you don't decline too much.>I’ve expressed myself that he NEEDS to work on his hygiene, push himself, and give up video games. He’s agreed every time I’ve brought it up but I’ve seen no progress.
Sure, you've nagged him about baseline things but with depression its all so mental, I know as I was there for many years myself. Maybe make an effort to get in touch with his emotions and actually figure out why he has felt so out of body for the past 3 years?
he needs to either get professional help or want to get himself out of that hole (from someone whos been there)
idk what much else you could really do other then maybe plan workouts together and cook him healthy meals/eat together (when I don't work out and eat crappy my depression gets a billion times worse)
I think in part you are right, but also you assume too much that men's sexuality works like women's. The part you are right about is that we absolutely need to feel desired to want to have sex and if your partner does not show that he is attracted to you then you start to feel insecure and won't want to initiate sex. Ofc if your partner suddenly changes, becomes fat and unhygienic etc, that also means you won't want sex anymore, but I don't think that is the main reason women in long relationships stop wanting to have sex.
I think that sex-drive and libido are MOSTLY hormonal (testosterone) driven and just different in men and women. You see this in TIFs who start taking testosterone and start to become as horny as men or in fat people who all start to lose their sex-drive as excess estrogen from fat cells takes over their body. Women are just less horny in general because we have less testosterone. I mean, do you really get horny when your boyfriend buys you flowers or does the dishes without you asking? Or is it more of an "aaww that is so sweet, I should reward him for this" feeling? In the beginning of the relationship the hormones are in overdrive, everything is so new and exciting that you want to have sex all of the time (or maybe for some women they use sex in the beginning to establish the relationship), but then after months, years, the hormones calm down and you want it less.
Now what does that mean for a long term relationship? A LOT of relationships end in a dead bedroom. The only way to avoid this and to keep intimacy alive is if BOTH people put in effort to keep it alive. That means the man has to put in an effort to be attentive, make his girlfriend/wife feel wanted and desired, but we ALSO have to put in our share of effort and in our case that means have sex when he is putting in the effort. You can not start viewing sex as transactional, that is the ultimate killer. Once you both get into the mindset of "Oh she doesn't ever want sex, why should I try to initiate? Why should I try to be romantic? I am just going to get turned down anyways" and "Oh he doesn't help enough around the house, he isn't romantic enough, why should I have sex with him?" Your relationship is basically over.
I think relationships with different libidos (which will be most relationships between men and women) are just going to be very hard to make work long time unless you put in a conscious effort and yes, that means sometimes just having sex even if you are not super horny (which for some women rarely happens). I have noticed that the more I have sex the more I end up wanting it, it's something that you have to keep going like a campfire, if you stop feeding the flames they die out. Of course if your partner is not willing to do his share of the deal and is not making you cum then you should just break up, it's not worth the effort. But if you do enjoy sex once you are having it, then just keep having it and don't let it get to that stalemate where you both have expectations that are not being fulfilled. You will see that a happy and satisfied man is also a lot more willing to put effort into the relationship.
Meh, I don't think it's right that a lot of you believe that women naturally lose their libido over the course of a relationship. It's true that some women have very low libido, but most don't. Attraction isn't just high in the beginning because of novelty or whatever, but because you think that person is better than they actually are. Like that one anon said, when you get to know someone more and even start living with them, there are likely dozens of small "annoyances" about your partner that add up and make you less attracted to them. For example, when I lost attraction to my previous partner, it was because ultimately he wasn't as attentive and devoted as I wanted. I like being romantic and lovey-dovey, while often he treated me a lot more like a close friend or roommate. Being in a relationship with him killed my libido almost entirely.
Skip to my current boyfriend of 3 years, and we can't keep our hands off each other. He's the most loving, generous, attentive person I've ever met, always puts my needs and wants first for both small and big things, and truly loves me more than anything. I'm horny for him every day, and I initiate constantly throughout the week and sometimes even multiple times a day. I really feel libido in a relationship is a matter of compatibility, your partner should naturally stoke these feelings in you and if they don't, it's a huge sign you're not right for each other. You can have both the strong and secure unyielding love and passion, but too many people think you have to settle for one.
>>268049>I don’t know a lot of people/places in the city so it might be a nice way to check out some spots.
If that's worth the time to you, then sure why not?>would I be wasting their time too
That's irrelevant. It's a dating app for meeting people not a promise for marriage.
Okay, so I'm high libido and here's my perspective. I would not find this acceptable if my partner suddenly was decreasing the frequency of sex to once a month.
From a high libido partner's perspective, it is a really anxious thing when you are with a person for a while because most people tend to have higher libidos at the beginning of a relationship and their true "libido" is only revealed after a few years. After 2 relationships, I decided I was not going to put up with men who could not match my libido. I was with a guy for 5 years who was only having sex with me once a month near the end. It was so miserable I lost my libido due to constant rejection and it made me feel awful about myself. Not surprisingly, in a last ditch effort, he tried to win me back by suddenly having sex with me a lot. It didn't work. The truth is, libido and sexuality are important to some people and if so, it's important to find someone compatible. I'm not saying you aren't, but I am saying that your boyfriend is justified in his feelings. For you as the low libido partner, I think figuring out if you are dissatisfied as other anons have said is important, but perhaps consider personally committing to having sex anyway. Say to yourself you will try having sex with him anyway and see if that helps to fan the flames for you. Definitely don't make it transactional, though, and have this be a personal goal. Try to think sexual thoughts about your partner - maybe set an alarm for that and see if that helps. If none of this helps, it may be that you have mismatched libidos, and that can be very difficult to overcome and you should seek a sex therapist to see if it is salvageable. It isn't fair to you or your fiance to have this conflict. The difficulty for the higher libido person is that we are beholden to the low libido partner. I.e. you are perfectly happy not having sex, meanwhile, we are starving and there is nothing we can do, as you can't force desire and this isn't really about sex, it more often than not is about many of the experiences and feelings that arise around the topic of sex that a high libido person in a relationship is seeking.
To draw from more personal experiences, my current relationship is doing very well. My boyfriend is lower libido than I, but he's found ways to help himself. I think it is easier for him because he's a man, but for him, a lot of it was getting over the fact he felt ugly and not deserving of sex (this I saw with my exes as well), he felt like due to his upbringing it was inappropriate to sexualize his partner, and all these other beliefs. We have talked about them and he's definitely realize how important feeling desired by him is, so he's put in the work. There are still always going to be some inherent differences - I like sex when I'm sad or not feeling well, he avoids sex when he is not feeling well, etc. but I am so grateful he has worked on his sexuality so we can match each other better. I don't know how applicable any of this is to a woman because imo it was a lot of catholicism and self esteem issues that made him like the way he was, but I hope it provides some insight.>>268021
It's not "against her will" if she is willing to do it. I think a lot of women just don't get that "I am super duper horny and I need to fuck RIGHT NOW!!!" feeling, but they expect that is how you are supposed to feel so they think "Oh I guess I just never want sex cause I don't feel that way?" It's just not how female sexuality works at all and honestly I think a lot of women are uneducated about this because that "whoops I am horny" is what you see in movies/porn all the time. Either that or you see romantic movies where there is a lot of effort like music, candles, rose petals etc to "get into the mood". That's just not how it's going to be in your day to day live. Usually you get into the mood as you start to get horny when you are already with your partner, touching, kissing, cuddling and holding each other close, rubbing against each other etc. Some women I think expect the mood to strike them randomly while just going about business like you are brushing your teeth and "Oh, suddenly I am horny". That's how men work, not women. So making more of an effort to be close with your partner, start cuddling and kissing them and seeing if you actually want to have sex can really help your sex-life and relationship out. If you do those things and still don't want to have sex more than once a month then maybe you're just not that attracted to your partner.
Obviously sex shouldn't be a chore that you force yourself to do, but I found that it's more like going to the gym, where the more you do it and the more you get into a routine the more fun it is and then you don't want to go without it anymore because you feel good afterwards and your relationship improves and you look forward to it and enjoy it. This probably doesn't sound super romantic but sorry, life isn't a teenage movie and having a routine for sex is actually healthy for an adult relationship where you don't have time to be "spontaneous" all the time, although of course spontaneous activity should happen as well.
Maybe the majority of women are like that for a reason? A good amount of men don't care about getting women in the mood, making sure she's feeling comfortable/beautiful/confident, etc. They just want to bang and get theirs, and even if they do foreplay it's not because he wants to make her feel good, he just wants to get her wet enough to stick his dick in. Imo I think this loss of attraction is very much a subconscious thing, the woman vaguely becoming aware that the boyfriend isn't as great as she once thought.>this probably doesn't sound super romantic but sorry, life isn't a teenage movie>Either that or you see romantic movies where there is a lot of effort like music, candles, rose petals etc to "get into the mood"
Then maybe most guys shouldn't be banging if they can't bother to get their partner in the mood? Rather, I think it's highly unrealistic for a guy to expect a woman to get turned on just because he groped her for a minute and made her feel like an object or something. And if men treated their partners properly on a day to day basis, there wouldn't be a need for "rose petals and candles" every time. It's awful to put the burden on the woman to compensate for the man's lack of thoughtfulness and care.
Yesss. Most women don't want men to go all out all the time. In the most dead relationship I had, he was always doing big romantic gestures. He was wealthy and he used to buy me flowers after making me feel like shit, teasing and criticizing me all day. That wasn't him apologizing, he had no idea he was even being an asshole. 'Romance' did not make up for our lack of chemistry or the fact that he was a douche.
Next guy I got with was pretty broke, too shy for flirting, but he's my best friend and I love being with him. He always makes me feel good about myself, not by complimenting me, just because we have a great time together and he obviously loves spending time with me.
It's not just about being wanted sexually, I think a lot of attraction is about being wanted as a friend and not feeling used. I agree that men use sex for intimacy, but so do women. You go on those shitty reddit threads like "men, what do you wish women did?" and it's always shit like "I wish she would be the big spoon sometimes" or "I wish she'd give me compliments". Like, we're not all that different tbh. Men are just shit at explaining that they want non-sexual intimacy.
If a guy openly brags about the porn he watches that's great because you know to immediately count him out of your options.>Do you straight up tell them on the first date "hey I don't like porn."
The recommended method on a date is to ask in a casual, somewhat flirty way "so what sort of porn are you into?" since this makes the assumption he is already watching it as most guys are. He'll think you're a coolgirl and spill about his kinks and give himself away, then you can ditch him later saying you just didn't feel a spark. If he says he's not into porn then he may still be lying but you'll obviously have a better chance of him being a guy who watches little to none as opposed to the types who freely gush about anal prolapse. Going into big sister mode for a second, you're in college, please take your studies seriously and do not let the search for a relationship derail your focus. Having a viable career and being able to provide for yourself is a million times more important than finding a man. It's okay to be open to the possibility just don't get sidetracked. How to find guys? Classes, clubs, campus events, hobbies. You are literally in the perfect environment to meet guys your own age who likely have similar interests in a fun, natural way. No need to wade into the living hell of desperation and coomery that is dating apps.
Oh that's a good idea.. Its going to be hard for me to say though but I'll try. I'm honestly not very good at flirting.
I'm a junior in college so I just wanted to try and get the college dating experience… I'm still focused on school though so don't worry. (Everything here is competitive… Boyfriends have to go on the backburner.)
Thank you nonna!
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Recently my bf has been extremely weird to the point that it's hurting me, i am a dumb bitch tho so i stay with him hoping it will get better and idk if i am jsut prolonging the inevitable.
He had bad experiences in previous relationships (he got cheatead on), so he's become extremly controlling of me, being weird when i go out with friends, becoming mean to me when i go outside etc eventhough i have given him 0 reasons to doubt me. When i point it out, he refutes it and says im being paranoid, but the other day when he was drunk, he admitted to it, which kinda gev me some relief after thinking i was paranoid, as he has told me so many times it was just my imagination.
It has been extremly weird and i told him i am uncomfortable with him controlling me that way, especially since we have been dating for a long time (5+ years) so i expect the same amount of trust i put in him to be put on me, but he keeps excusing it with his past taruma, which ive been more than udnerstanding of, as i have helped him with it all throught our relationship. I've told him, however, that i am not his past partner, and having no trust in me after this amount of years, hurts me deeply, he however, excuses it the same way.
Another thing is that I've been refusing to send him nudes as i am not in a place where i feel comfortable with my body and he has been "jokingly" pointing out that i don't send them anymore a lot, and how i am fucking up the intimacy of the relationship by not sending them (i told him i personaliy don't quate intimacy to sexuality, and that if that's all he expects of me for intimacy to tell me, whcih he said he does not), and when i point out it makes me uncomfortable that he brings it up so much after i have explained the "why" (my eating disorder resurfacing making it hard to take pictures of myself), he says i am being sensitive or defensive.
We have discussed it constantly and i keep hoping he will change, but he does not, i cannot count in my hands the times i've cried about this relationship, because i love him so much and keep expecting he will change and improve but he hasn't, even though he promises me he will so many times.
I am incredibly open with him, i bring out anything that bothers me and i talk to him about everything, so communication is not an issue on my part, so i reallty don't know what to do.
What should i do nonnies, is the relationship doomed? or am i just beign a selfish selfm centered asshole like he says?
>>268380>What should i do nonnies, is the relationship doomed?
It's not a matter of whether it's doomed or not, it's a matter of whether or not you want better for yourself than a controlling man who doesn't give you a grain of trust after 5 years.>or am i just beign a selfish selfm centered asshole like he says?
no. It's not smart to send nudes anyway but even if you don't care about that: no.
Last but not least: people don't change and they become more stuck in their habits and views as they grow older. It's highly unlikely he'll become a non-controlling partner without professional intervention.
1. stop sending him nudes. if your boyfriend, partner, husband, whatever, asks for nudes, he doesn't respect you, period. and you don't respect yourself since you're willingly putting yourself in a situation where those nudes can be shared around.
2. he has likely cheated on you or is going to, and now he is guilt dumping on you. it's extremely common to turn the tables on the partner and accuse THEM of cheating, which is what it sounds like your bf is doing.
3. why are you even with him? sunk cost fallacy? just cut your losses, 5 years won't seem like much 5 years from now, and you can find someone that is nothing like your current bf that i personally would never touch, honestly. yuck.
From the perspective of someone who’s a child of divorce… Dating a man with kids is a situation I’m familiar with and therefore willing to accept. I don’t see a guy with kids as a flaw, honestly it’s just how life goes sometimes. I mean if someone is attractive, stable, treats me well, and ticks off any other essential boxes I can deal with it. My ideal conditions would be that the kids are from a previous marriage (no baby daddies), the mom has custody (allowing for a little more alone time with the dad), and they are young enough to be my kids. I know that last one might stump some anons since they’d rather date someone whose offspring are off on their own, but I feel icky being 27 and dating someone who has a kid in college, or even high school. When I was 13 my dad dated a 20 year old and it made me really uncomfortable.
But idk what’s just me.
As far as your own feelings of jealousy go, I can understand why anyone might simply wish their partner could invest all their resources into their relationship and not have to share them with someone else, but that’s a slippery slope since wishing can evolve into resentment. A girl my dad dated when I was a teen projected her jealousy onto me and made my life a living hell anytime I wanted the slightest attention from my dad. She got carried away by her initial attraction to my father and didn’t think about how she truly felt dating someone with a kid a kid that was only 7 years younger than her
Personally I think if you really like the guy you should learn to accept the reality of things, but if it upsets you THAT MUCH that someone would dedicate their time, emotions, and finances to their own offspring and not solely focus on you, then you shouldn’t date someone with kids. Think of your own mental health, and also consider how these kids would turn out with a potential stepmom that resents them.
PS that’s not a personal attack, I just want you to know you’re entitled to avoid getting into a situation you’re not comfortable with. Anyways wish you the best.
Divorced men or men who dropped their kids are redflags and this isn't about their kids. So many deadbeat fathers expect to get countless women and also want their gfs to babysit their children but they wont date single moms or divorced women themselves. It's a double standard and you should quit shilling failed males. If a man got a woman pregnant and left to fuck other women, he'll do the same to you. I've seen so many examples and even heard those types of men proud of the women they chose to impregnate and "pass on their genes" but they never spent time or effort on the kids, they chase other women while the mothers did double duty.
You being a child of a divorced family already makes your views skewed and unhealthy. You shouldn't give advice.
Red flags are subjective but for me >porn use of any kind>Unhealthy and unfit, this shows a childish attitude and that he doesn't think about the future>Bad with money, that can be debt or if he has money, using it to keep friends or going overboard on gifts, shows insecurity >Black and white Twitter/Reddit thinking about topics like gender or capitalism. Doesn't matter where he stands politically but he should have a nuanced informed opinion or no opinion at all>Bad relationship with his family especially the mother, this often plays out in all his relationships with women >Can't go a day without vidya. I don't mind occasional use but if he's addicted it's one of the biggest signs of an immature, pathetic moid>Has no hobbies or interests except drinking and partying and/or vidya and being online. Must touch grass regularly >Can't disagree without arguing, like raising his voice or throwing insults. >Does things you dislike "as a joke" after you tell him to stop. Huge red flag for boundary crossing.
Looking back over my list I have a real thing about maturity. Basically if it's any action that fits a teenage boy, it has no place in my grownup relationship.
I'm a 27 year old virgin, I've never dated anyone until now. When I started a new job one year ago, I met a 21 guy and he developed a crush on me, I thought it was because he was also pretty shy like me, and because he assumed I'm his age. We went to a "date" once but I got scared off because of his age and I tried to distance myself from him. So a year has passed, he helped me with some stuff and because of external circumstances we spent more time with each other, we considered each other as "friends", or at least that's what I thought, but recently he admitted he's still in love with me and wants to be with me, and I'm kinda torn apart about it. Moving from being an autistic shut in to dating someone who wants to have a relationship with you and consideres renting an apartment with you is a pretty big change, and I'm scared things are moving too fast. I don't know if I actually want him, or I'm just desperate to have someone because I'm scared that at this age I'm not going to find anything better and all decent men in my age group are already taken. The guy I'm dating has some good qualities, but is also too similar to me in some areas, like prone to depression and pessimism. He admitted he wasn't very good with money and only recently started saving because he wants to buy a car etc. I was dissapointed that despite working at the same place for around the same amount of time, I saved way more money than he did. Despite never being in a relationship, I think I have a pretty good understanding how it should look like from a practical point of view, and how building a capital together is important and how both people should contribute financially, and when I brought that up, he said he didn't think about it that much, he just wanted to live with me. I didn't know what he meant by that. Living together is not just going out or watching movies together, it's also paying rent and doing other less pleasant things. He got very hurt when I told him I'm not sure if I love him, but at the same time he admitted he never thought about serious, realistic parts of being in a relationship? It didn't make sense to me. He often says he misses me and he can't wait for our next meeting, tells me he never met someone as special as me, tells me I'm beautiful and smart, I'm perfect the way I am and he doesn't want to change me and he will wait years for me to be ready for sex and he doesn't need it to be happy with me, and how my pleasure is more important to him than his, how he doesn't mind I'm older than him etc. Every time I'm at his place he cooks for me and pays big attention to the things I can eat because of my IBS. Today he said he never had good male role models and his dad, despite wanting well, was too mild and spineless and never taught him anything practical, but he wants to be better than that and he wants to be able to provide for me. I can sense that his feelings for me are real, but feelings alone are not enough and I can also see that, despite being more mature than an average 22 year old guy, he's still not mature enough. I can see he's moving in the right direction, he started saving money, he works more and looks for a better job, goes to the gym, doesn't drink, looks better, eats healthier etc. but I'm scared that once he gets confident he can have me, he will stop trying and we're going to vegetate in our bed for eternity. Maybe he has time for this at 22, but I'm 27 and before I hit 30 I want to have a stable relationship and a good place I can live with someone. I think that one day I would also want to have a kid, but I can't imagine having a family with someone like him, at least not with the current version of him. I'm also scared that after living this serious, "adult" life with me, he will get bored and feel like he lost his youth or something and drops me for someone younger and goes back to his life devoid of any actual responsibility. Today he also said that he doesn't know why someone like me would go for someone like him, and that I should find myself someone better, richer etc. I didn't really know what to say to this. I just want to wait and see how it goes. I enjoy his company, I find myself missing him and yearning for his touch when we're apart, but I still have those thoughts in the back of my head. Maybe I could actually do better. Maybe at 27 I don't have the time for waiting for this guy to mature. Maybe I shouldn't be with someone who's very prone to depression like me. I don't know, I feel completely lost at this point. If I was 5 or 7 years younger, I wouldn't care. But I'm not and I have to think about it realistically.
Sorry for the wall of text but I don't have anyone I could talk to about it. Any ideas anons?
tbh completely up to you. his sentiment isn't wrong/bad, but it's totally fair for you to be insecure that he might be admitting that he had to grow to be attracted to you, or that his attraction is exclusively tied to his love for you.
but I also can read it as him saying that your beauty isn't the primary motivator for his love for you, which doesn't necessarily mean he didn't find you attractive. like he's trying to say he didn't follow his dick, he just genuinely liked you.
Assuming it IS the former, consider that men who are able to love and be with someone they're not initially attracted to demonstrates that they are able to actually unlearn some level of scrote socialization to follow with their dick or compete with other men like the acceptable homoerotic incel culture. your call nonna
do NOT move in with someone without a commitment (like at least an engagement) because you are setting yourself up to get fucked over financially.
Otherwise you and your bf sound eerily like me and my own and I'm trying to figure out some of the same stuff as you rn… so I don't really have any other advice, but good luck.
Yeah, you are an asshole. What if something happens to him and he can't do his job anymore, or something happens to his company…or something happens to you, him, or anyone in your related families, that you need some money on the spot, that you do not have? Also, quitting and then going back to the workforce is not easy - employers are going to want to know why you quit and what you did with your time when you didn't work. Like some anons said, are you going to raise a family? Are you going to pursue some hobby that will pay back? Lastly, I'd like to mention that these questions can stand when you're alone, too, not just in the context of a relationship.
late but this>I have noticed that the more I have sex the more I end up wanting it, it's something that you have to keep going like a campfire, if you stop feeding the flames they die out.
is incredibly true. You need to both work to nurture your sex life, which is going to fall to the waist side as your relationship deepens and fall into comfort.
Samefag, I'm starting to theorize: last week, he confessed his feelings towards me, I was pretty shocked but I was okay with it, then he asked me to kiss him, but a) we were on public and 2) our intimacy level at the time was next to 0, I told him he was going way too fast and that I wasn't ready yet, I didn't even decline kissing him, just not yet
, but maybe he actually took those words as an actual rejection and he's just trying to give me some space. The fact most if not all men are intimidated by me and he's quite literally the only one who tried his shot only to be "rejected"…he also casually mentioned I'm probably not attracted to him and tried his damn best to convince me he's a good candidate, in his eyes, he was the only one actually making moves to a seemingly uninterested girl. But this is all just a theory, tbh I wish I had the balls to contact him cause damn
You can only get so much from him if you divorce, it won't be enough for her to get by unless he's super rich and they have kids together.
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You should have a backup plan ready, i'm a neet gf but waiting on a large inheritance
The way you wrote this it seems obvious that you are not that eager to share your life with him, you even sound very reluctant to his love bombing, and you haven't even had sex with him yet which is usually important in a couple. Moving in with somebody that soon is a terrible idea, I would not be surprised if the dude was looking for a bangmaid, and the fact you're not on the same maturity level is enough to not want to push it further.
I'm in the same boat as you, late 20s, lifelong celibate and perma virgin due to autism, and I too was reluctant to get into a relationship with a guy I wasn't that into, and in the end I chose to remain on my own because I knew it wouldn't work, I understand your frustration but trust your gut feeling.
Dude shut up, plenty of women out there are perfectly fine not working and being provided and don't wind up in a toxic
situation. She should have a backup plan but you're literally retarded for suggesting it's "adolescent" to not take the opportunity to not work. You sound like drones.
Willingly being a spectator in life is absolutely adolescent. Why even pretend to be anything more if that's your goal in life? Don't bother with education, don't bother with a career, just be another boring trophy wife whose existence completely depends on others. Scrotes especially.
It's leeching and frankly I find any woman who desires that to be sad, and devoid of ambition.
This made me gag, how tf did you get past one date with someone who does this?
There are plenty of ways to untrain a habit like that, tell him to figure it out or you're through. Can't believe you put up with it at all.fuck I feel like I need a shower
Holy fuck I am laughing so hard and also in tears re-reading this over and over it reminds me so much of my ex. He also had gross oral habits thanks to being a smoker. Like he was constantly spitting on the ground in the middle of convos, liked to hack up loogies in my sink but never wash them down, and spat into tissues that he’d ball up and leave all over my apartment. In addition to that he also had a load of ongoing health problems that he refused to consult a doctor about, including a severe symptom of cancer. I eventually left his ass, not for those specific reasons, but the fact that he refused to take care of himself was the straw that broke the camels back. I honestly can’t even remember the last time I had sex because the last few months of the relationship I just found him so physically repulsive I never wanted to do the deed.
Anon if you told me your man was a toxic
person in addition to this I’d say leave him, but he sounds like a great guy so I honestly don’t know what to do other than be honest about how it’s driving you crazy and negatively affecting your physical attraction to him. Some sort of intervention maybe?? I mean you can’t even sleep in the same room, sheesh.
Holy fuck I am laughing so hard and also in tears re-reading this over and over it reminds me so much of my ex. He also had gross oral habits thanks to being a smoker. Like he was constantly spitting on the ground in the middle of convos, liked to hack up loogies in my sink but never wash them down, and spat into tissues that he’d ball up and leave all over my apartment. In addition to that he also had a load of ongoing health problems that he refused to consult a doctor about, including a severe symptom of cancer. I eventually left his ass, not for those specific reasons, but the fact that he refused to take care of himself was the straw that broke the camels back. I honestly can’t even remember the last time I had sex because the last few months of the relationship I just found him so physically repulsive I never wanted to do the deed.
Anon if you told me your man was a toxic
person in addition to this I’d say leave him, but he sounds like a great guy so I honestly don’t know what to do other than be honest about how it’s driving you crazy and negatively affecting your physical attraction to him. Some sort of intervention maybe?? I mean you can’t even sleep in the same room, sheesh.
I made the tranny and Michael a part of their very own Omegaverse fanfic, because that is a fate worse than death. If I ever expand this Onionfarms Omegaverse, Rachel will be their beta and house slave.
This was just a shitpost.
Michael was kneeling in front of Blaine's lightly leaking, hard cock, a small string of saliva connecting to the tip of Blaine's cock to Michael's tongue, the smaller man panting softly, as he moved his hand up and down his own hard cock while he was pushing one…two…three fingers into his wet hole, eyes dilated with lust. Michael was currently in heat and Blaine couldn't control himself when it came to lust when Michael was in heat. Michael loved it when Blaine went rough on him. Loved it when he was fucked hard by the tranny, getting taught who he really belongs to and feeling the other's knot deep inside of him that always got him sensitive. Michael looked up, Blaine's hand gripping his hair. He was so vulnerable right now, so perfect.
"How bad do you want me?" Blaine growled deeply, his cock twitching as he watched his Mate's needy eyes, hot breath tickling his cock.
Michael moaned softly, the noise coming out like a soft growl of need, as he quickened the speed of his hand on his own cock, roughing moving his fingers that were in his end. "S-So…so fucking bad…" Michael whimpered, bucking his hips up a little into his own touch to show how much he needed his Alpha's knot buried inside of him, the Omega panting. "P-Please…"
"Sorry," Blaine purred, "I didn't quite catch that. Mind-" Blaine was cut off by a sharp gasp as Michael took his Mate's full length into his mouth until his nose was buried in pubes. Blaine was actually glad Michael didn't have a gag reflex. Blaine moaned harshly, panting, as he set up a rough and quick pace for his hips as he started to thrust quickly into Michael's mouth. "G-Good boy," Blaine groaned, watching him, fisting a hand into the brunette's hair. "Just like that. Take me in, baby. Good boy…"
Michael moaned hard from around Blaine, the sound nearing a needy growl, breath hitching as he shoved his three fingers into himself, trying so hard not to bite down. He looked up innocently, seductively, at Blaine through his dark lashes as the Alpha fucked his mouth. Michael suddenly gasped sharply, feeling himself release into his own hand, panting hard through his nose, as he pumped himself dry of his orgasm and felt himself go soft, continuing to thrust his fingers into his stretched, slick wet hole. Michael's breath hitched slightly when he felt Blaine release hard down his throat, the Omega swallowing down his release and slowly pulled off, another string of saliva hooking on to his tongue that attached to Blaine cock. "That…answer your…question?" Michael asked huskily in between thick moans.
Blaine smirked and pulled Michael off the floor and on to the bed, laying the Omega on to his stomach, Michael moving to his hands and knees on instinct, whimpering with need, as he lapped at his wet fingers. "Blaine…please," he begged, panting. "Need you. Need your knot. Now." That did it for Blaine. That sent him over the edge. He plunged into Michael's end, who cried out loudly, and started to fuck the other hard and relentless.
Michael was quickly shut up, whining softly, as Blaine thrust two of his fingers into his mouth. Now Michael couldn't express himself. Oh, well.
"Suck." Blaine demanded in a husky growl, squeezing Michael's hips hard with his free hand, and dragged his hot and wet tongue up and down Michael's back.
Michael sucked Blaine's fingers hard and obediently, panting thickly through his nose again.
"Fuck, Michael," Blaine groaned, drilling into his Mate's prostate. "So fucking good for me, baby. Good…good boy…" Already, he felt close to his second release for the day. He did want to cum yet after they had just started. Damn Blaine and his hormones. "Atta boy…" Blaine purred against Michael's burning hot skin.
Michael fisted the bed sheets hard, also feeling himself get close to his second release. Michael jerked his hips back against Blaine's hard thrusts, panting sharply and hard. Michael couldn't even last ten more minutes before he came hard, letting his load out on to the bed sheets, moaning thickly.
Unlike Michael, Blaine wasn't able to last five minutes. He came hard and deep into Michael, feeling his knot swell up until he couldn't move anymore, being locked into Michael for an hour. Blaine panted hard and pulled his fingers out of Michael's hungry mouth. "You are mine," he purred, lowering the both of them on to the bed so that Michael was flat on his stomach. "You will carry my pup and love him or her forever."
"Y-Yes," Michael rasped, panting, and nuzzled his face into Blaine's arm that was in front of him. "Always." Michael nodded and purred softly, his body hot, as his chest heaved, the man trying to find his breath again.
"Good." Blaine smiled gently, nuzzling into Michael's neck
like other anon said, cutting out dairy mostly gets rid of them if you want him to do something easy now to reduce 99% of the sucking vs. making him get his tonsils taken out (that's pretty much all you can do if you have them). The sucking sounds horrible, hope he's not chewing on them because that's nasty fucking behavior… just get them out and throw them away bro….
t. tonsil stone haver
Oh god so many replies. Tonsil bf nona here. I cannot even describe how fantastic this dude is. Been friends nearly a decade. Dating nearly 3 years now. He is my favorite person, we work together so well. When we argue in couples therapy, the therapist literally says we have the must impressive communication between us despite whatever we are trying to solve he is impressed. Haha. He is great and we will be married. I never once noticed this particular issue until we started living together. At first I thought it was just a quirk. I have washed my feet in the bathroom sink which he asked me politely wtf was wrong with me cuz I never realized that was weird. But I stopped after he called me on it. I first brought it up to him in a gentle way, he takes calls 4 work at home. Sometime in the past I commebted on a closed mouth burp ("nice" or somethin dumb) and he said OMG YOU CAN HEAR THAT?? like yes, yes I can. So I realize he might not know other ppl can hear the weird sucking thing. I told him one day, 'hey, just so you know when you are on calls and you do that throat thing, I think the ppl on the other line can here you. You might wanna stop' so he says he mutes himself when he does it.
Plan failed, wait a bit and go a bit crazier, I do confront him. I have a bit of emetaphobia, and told him his weird throat thing really, really drives me crazy. Cant help it. Asked him to do it when I am not around.
He agreed, and actually did do it only behind closed doors. For a while. (Can still hear it thru the house though….) he has adhd and often forgets things so slowly the habit came back…. back n forth a few times with hiding it and not hiding it.
Now, when he starts doing it while in the office, it echoes thru the house and so I go shut his door. I have told him why. He apologizes occassionally but he cannot stop.
If he does it a lot next to me I start asking him to be quieter. He obliges.
I have told him he needs to see a doc for throat issues. He finally did a sleep apnea study that was inconclusive.
We are talking marriage now. I straight up said he had to follow up with doc for this throat business as a prerec for me marrying him. He swears he will.
I have been pretty timid about the whole thing, so I think maybe since I havent blown up on him that maybe he thinks it isnt a big deal.
Nonas, I am dying. I have given him a list of things I want to see before marriage (and he with me as well, it is just smart. Ie few rounds of therapy 4 past trauma, bank accts and debt in functioning order, house talk, etc) and going to throat doc is on there for him. We have 1 year to fill each others desires to improve stability b4 marriage.
I hope this works but in the mean time……
I am dying
I had super fucked up tonsils from repeated tonsillitis which made my tonsils huge and deformed and I had to get them removed as an adult.
I did used to get tonsil stones but never as many as your boyfriend seems to have, also I would never attempt to dislodge one in view of another person and I was living at home with family for much of this time.
The weird tonsil sucking throat noise thing sounds like a bit of a compulsive habit at this point for him.
If he is actually getting a ridiculous amount of tonsil stones that's even more reason for him to see a doctor, some people suffer from extremely bad breath due to tonsil stones so I feel like you would very much notice if he actually had that many.
The coughing is also something he needs to see a doctor about, he could have asthma or like gerd or something that's causing him to cough so much at night. I have lived with multiple heavy smokers throughout my life and generally they don't cough that much whilst in bed at night unless they actually have some sort of respiratory infection, yes morning cough but not like coughing all night so that's also a bit concerning health wise.
Have you told him the farting bothers you and he continues to do it around you frequently on purpose? Men are generally less embarrassed about farting in front of others so he may not understand how much it actually bothers you. Also how much noise is this man making between the farts, coughs and weird tonsil noises on a daily basis does he have tics or something?
We are in our 30s. Not crazy young. Majority of stuff is green flags with him. I am going to reiterate firmer that he needs to fix this before we go further. Neither of us are baggage free nor exactly nuerotypical, not severely autistic or anything but we have both got some intense mental and emotional issues we do our best to work on. >>268847
It is extremely possible he has tics. His adhd is severe enough it might be bordering autism. Really smart dude. But yes, constant need for stimulation with his hands there are fidget toys everywhere etc he hyperfocuses on things etc. It doesn't bother me, he does what he needs to do. I have my own set of weird things, too. But I do suspect he kinda hyperfocuses on 'getting all that tonsil shit out' and like, literally cannot stop. I have smelled his rank tonsil breath only a few times- he is actually crazy meticulous on oral hygeine due to total and complete neglect as a kid. His tonsils and teeth are totally fucked from parental neglect never being made to brush teeth nor saw a dentist til he moved out and he is doing his best as an adult to fix it. I keep asking myself if it is really, truly hurting me or just annoying. Cuz I cant throw away what we have over something so stupid kek. I try to have patience, but some days I just feel like i am going insane due to this dumb issue. I should also have made it more clear in the beginning that it straight up bothers me and to quit but I am one of those recovering fundie kids and despite being on my own for over a decade I still have trouble speaking up for myself. This is on him, but a teeny bit on me too, ha. I just gotta be straight with him. He is kinda sensitive too, so I am afraid of really hurting his feelings. And I have like, zero tact when it comes to sensitive topics. Like how shitty of me is it if this is like a tourrette type thing where he straight up cannot stop. Maybe I could just keep giving him gum to orally distract him or something..
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I didn't want to believe that anons on lolcow indirectly defend patriarchy, and yet here we are kek
Wtf its not handmaideny, its literally raising the next generation of human beings, thats the most important job female or male. Or do you not understand why there even are human beings on this planet?
Sorry you have been brainwashed by the patriarchy to believe its a valueless job because its traditionally been a womans job.
From what I remember of tonsil stones, I could actually smell them myself and even feel them at times which was very uncomfortable so I can understand him being fixated on preventing that/removing them but I find it hard to believe he's actually getting one every day or something so it would make a lot more sense that this is a compulsive habit or tic thing that he has developed and with you saying he's a fidgets etc. and has bad adhd that sorta fits.
Does he drink a lot of water or similar liquid? This helps reduce the number of bacteria in the mouth and washes out leftover food so should help with tonsil stones.
Additionally he could try a chlorhexidine mouthwash (antibacterial) and gargle with it regularly.
If it's getting under your skin so much it's reducing your sex drive significantly then it's not stupid to be concerned when you are considering marrying this man. Unfortunately we can't really control what is a turn off to us and to be fair, it's probably a turn off to most people so I don't think you should feel bad for expressing your genuine thoughts and emotions about it.
Also these habits of his can be stopped or at least modified so that he isn't constantly doing it in front of you so it's not like there's nothing he can do about it because he manages to not do inappropriate things at work etc.
It is really hard to start having these conversations with people we care about when it's a sensitive topic but I think you need to do it if there's any chance of moving past these issues. He needs to know this is a major turn off for you, though I probably wouldn't phrase it quite as brutally and you can frame it within the bigger picture of is this habit worsened by a physical or mental health issue that he is not dealing with.
sis can I have some of the crack you smoke
if you're really for women you would let them do whatever the fuck they want with their bodies, kids are not for everyone
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this post is based beyond belief>>268863
historically women have always worked though, unless they were extremely rich. Also if anons are insisting on this topic it is also because picrel tends to happen a lot unfortunately
>>268863>Or do you not understand why there even are human beings on this planet?
I'm an antinatalist so I don't see any value in breeders, be it female or male
But I especially despise something that has been tied to the female oppression since the very beginnig, even in matriarchal societies little girls are conditioned to be mothers and raising kids and undergo some fucked up rituals, it has never been empowering for women. Nothing that men want from you is empowering.
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Mfw the guy im seeing is perfectly aligned with me politically (even on obscure things and rlly rare combos in men like anti sex work and anti porn but in a leftist way not a conservative way), shares a lot of my interests, is into similar media, is a stoner like me but a functional one (gainfully employed), no red flags per say-but I don't have feelings for him or feel attracted to him in any way. He's not bad looking or anything, I just dont feel that way. God I'm starting to think I'm just aroace but I dont wanna be ugh