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>>219006>now she rationalizes that almost everyone in relationships wants to flirt/date others
do you actually… believe that not to be the case? you really think that most people don't develop crushes, fantasize about others and feel mutual attraction with others while in a relationship? unrealistic expectations like this have to be the reason for like a quarter of problems in these threads. disney and other pop romance media ruined people's ability to enjoy perfectly happy relationships just because they don't conform to an impossible ideal. >>219007
nonna, i'm not talking about poly people exclusively. that's the minority of people and minority of people i know. i'm saying that even among the monogamous people i know, it's becoming more and more rare to enforce anything that might threaten the idea of exclusivity through control and violence. i am willing to concede that it might not be your personal experience though. and i still don't see how telling a close friend they're hot is "leading someone on". most mature adults realize, or should be able to realize, that this sort of flirty chat isn't necessary a preclude to romance/affairs. it's just that a close friendships can blur the boundaries between friendship and romance. most partnered people still miss the flirting and the chase so a friendship like that can be a safe space to explore that.
Nta, but when I'm in a relationship I just don't cross that line. I acknowledge attractiveness but there's never lust behind it.
When I'm single though, like I am currently, crushes happen and it's completely different from just thinking someone looks nice.
I don't know if it's a societal thing and idk how men feel about this if they have levels to their thoughts since most seem dumb af, but I do get jealous in relationships when my scrote of the moment is clearly crushing on someone else. Like keep that shit to yourself, please.
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My fwb wants to spend New Year’s Eve with me. My original plans fell through so now my only other option is hanging out with my parents and their boomer friends. I could be interested in going to the city with him to actually party, but I feel kind of weird starting the year with a guy who isn’t my boyfriend and won’t be in my life by this time next month (he’s moving countries in February). He’s a good lay and my best option atm but I still feel weird about it. Wwyd nonas?
Anon what "control and violence" lol, you're pulling shit out of your ass now. If your partner is being an asshole then you break up, simple as that.
You know what's some disney unrealistic stuff? A world in which everyone is a nun like that OP and everyone totally flirts without any ulterior motives, everyone is totally "just kidding hehe uwu".
If a hot person starts flirting there's plenty of people that will respond and will try to take that as far as they can. And if you're the significant other then too bad for you because strangers don't owe you affective responsibility, and the one person that does owe you that affective responsibility is the one starting the flirting lmao.
There are definitely ways to flirt with your partner and explore unfamiliar settings, tbh if you're so bored of your relationship you might as well break up or become poly. If monogamy isn't for you then that's all fine and good, but don't try to pretend this shit is normal in a monogamous relationship.
>>219101>Anon what "control and violence" lol, you're pulling shit out of your ass now
the current nuclear family/monogamy structure is absolutely based on people controlling their partner and how they interact with others and, in the case of men and women, violence. why do you think it has been so common for people to go through their significant other's phone or for men to violently lash out at their wives for even having a male friend?>A world in which everyone is a nun like that OP
who says she has to be a nun? she can and enjoy the flirting without any illusions and direct her serious sexual attention at other available people. not "everyone" flirts without ulterior motives but it's absolutely possible and seemingly quite common among friends in the younger generation, especially lgb people.>And if you're the significant other then too bad for you because strangers don't owe you affective responsibility, and the one person that does owe you that affective responsibility is the one starting the flirting lmao.
so if the guy never actually initiates anything physical with the OP or try to have an affair with her, what's the issue?>There are definitely ways to flirt with your partner and explore unfamiliar settings, tbh if you're so bored of your relationship you might as well break up or become poly.
and if you've been together for, let's say, 10 years, do you think an unfamiliar setting would change much? do you eat your favorite meal every single day? anon, if everyone who got momentarily "bored" with their partner broke up, no one would ever be together. becoming bored, losing the spark, falling out of love are all normal things in long term relationships. if anything, exchanging some fun meaningless flirty comments with friends is probably the best way to keep the excitement alive and assure someone that they're still desirable.
>>219145>becoming bored, losing the spark, falling out of love are all normal things in long term relationships
If you're not compatible, yeah. A lot of people have a need to feel desired in their relationships, but most of the time at least one party will stop trying to pursue the other because they think they don't have to make them feel desired or wanted anymore. In their eyes they got you, so they can stop trying. That's what causes the dissatisfaction, taking your partner for granted and letting the romance die out. That's a HUGE incompatibility for most people, of course they're going to be bored, unsatisfied, and disappointed. However, the solution is not flirting with other people but working on your own damn relationship or getting the fuck out if the other person doesn't give a shit. If everything else is fine and you STILL get bored with your partner actually meeting all your needs in the relationship, you just have to admit you're fickle and shouldn't be in a long term relationship.
Flirting isn't going to save your boring 10 year old relationship. Idk why you would be so fixated on flirting that you can't let it go, it isn't even that thrilling, your partner just seems to have an issue with constant need for validation from strangers.
Also if your Nigel is violent or controlling flirting isn't going to fix that either.
It's just seems like you pull unrelated shit out of your ass to cope with the fact that your partner disrespects you and cares more about some rando's validation than about you looking like a absolute clown.
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I posted a couple of days ago about my boyfriend who always gets me gifts that I tell him to get me for Christmas while I always put a lot of thought into mine. Well I ended up telling him that it bothers me and so he said he would get me something unexpected. We open presents on Christmas Eve here and we did it a bit earlier today and he got me a golden locket with a picture of us inside. I never even hinted at this even though I ALWAYS wanted one, but I thought it would be meaningless if I had to ask for i. It is just so beautiful and thoughtful. I am very happy and having a Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you all and may your relationship troubles resolve as well!
i definitely dont think you're out of line for asking him that, you dont need to justify your feelings to me at all and i think you were very reasonable. some of the way you phrase thoughts about your feelings stands out to me though.> I feel just mean so much more if they are done because the person WANTS to do it for you, not because you asked them
someone can ask me to do something and i still want to do it. them asking me doesnt remove my wanting to do it. it hurts very much to be told by a romantic partner that because they had to ask, any effort put forth is now ruined and worthless. people will have blind spots, character flaws, facets of their personality that makes it so they miss the cues, they dont always know what you want or what they need to do for you. please dont poison your own feelings before anything even happens by saying that 'because i had to ask, its not worth anything anymore, it doesnt count'. this is a distorted thought called 'discounting the positive' and it leads to a lot of heartbreak, anxiety and miscommunication.
it sounds like things worked out swimmingly here and so you should pat yourself on the back, you communicated well and your boyfriend was receptive and responded well, and you got a good outcome. enjoy the harmony. just watch out for how your own feelings and how you think about your feelings can influence you. let good effort count.
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im so fucking pissed. its christmas and i wanted to spend the time with my boyfriend so i asked him if he had time to come over and spend time with my family and me. he said he didn't have time on the 24th because his own family would be coming over and i was like 'so yeah sure no problem' so i then asked him if he could come over on the 25th. he then said he would have to see if he could come over on the 24th or 25th and said he would inform me about his decision. the last few days i asked him several times a day, almost permanently, if he had decided when he could come over, because i had prepared traditional foreign dishes from our home country with my mother and i also wanted to bring my culture regarding christmas closer to him because it is a family tradition, and on top of that he was also of course supposed to get his present from me. i asked him every day since 18th or 19th if he had decided and every day i would get the same answer that he still had to look and was unsure of himself. i told him myself that if it was not on the 24th he should please come on the 25th because of the gifts, family tradition and of course the food because we made a limited amount of it and it always goes away fast and i really wanted him to try it. today is the 24th and he didn't come over because of his own family and i was cool with that because he himself said that it was very unlikely that he would come over today. so i asked him what time he would come over tomorrow on the 25th, and he replied with 'i can't come over, [redacted] asked me a few days ago if we could meet and i dont have time to meet with you'. i was of course confused because i specifically talked about meeting on the 24th or 25th and he NEVER told me about the sudden meeting with his best friend? i also asked him why he was getting my hopes up all the time and fooling me that he would come on one of those days instead of canceling it directly and being honest with me? i started to argue with him why he is so shameless and lies to me instead of canceling directly, whereupon he started to tell me that we never talked about these two days but about the days after christmas eve in general, although this was absolutely not the case because i told him exactly on which days he should come over because of all the aspects like food, presents and tradition? he said that he had misunderstood the thing with the days and forgot to tell me about the meeting but would still like to see me again on the 26th because that is his last day here before he goes to his family and spends the rest of the year with them. when i asked him why he did all of this he replied with quote 'i wanted to see both of you before the year ends' and i was fucking furious. yeah thanks for prioritizing your best friend over me when you knew how excited and happy i was about the idea of spending our first christmas together thank you very much for showing me that you dont give a fuck about me or my preperations. like do i fucking care that your best friend has only time on the 25th when you exactly knew how i felt about this entire christmas thing and you had to flake on me because of him? sorry that you wanted to see him so fucking bad you couldnt care about my effort and happiness and would rather spend this normal meeting with him instead of our first christmas together? like you meet with him so fucking often and you always do the same shit its not even like this is a special meeting for both of you its just as lame and as always why would you flake on me for that? told him that he can spend the rest of the year with his bestfriend and should fuck off. he texted me that he shouldnt have done that and feels sorry and just wants to see me again before the end of the year. am i in the right for being mad at him and should i meet with him? i mean im really sad about the fact that he keeps prioritizing his best friend over me but i would love to see him again but on the other hand i shouldnt allow him to treat me like that. what should i fucking do? (pic unrelated)
Harsh truth incoming from an old nonnie
. It's apparent that you mean that little to him on such an important day, so dump him. Not to mention him gaslighting you. He completely disregarded and disrespected your feelings, your excitement, and all your plans and hard work. Don't continue to be strung along and entertain/cater to him when it's a matter of convenience to him. "Never prioritize someone who makes you an option." End things with him and start fresh for the new year.
Hi, anon, sorry in advance, I don't know how to greentext.
"Am I in the right for being mad at him?" Yes!
"Should I meet with him?" No.
My question is: would you rather be treated how you deserve to be treated, or be constantly put down by someone who clearly thinks he's above you? Don't bother talking to him anymore, you'll only end up being hurt. He'll always have an excuse, no matter what, and you'll always end up feeling like a clown after you try calling him out on his bullshit.
When you will meet the right guy, you won't have to push your culture on him, he will be interested and want to know more, and probably make an effort to integrate with your family, too. Has this guy ever shown an interest in your culture? Enjoy your holidays with your family, you're lucky to have them; your crush will pass and you will find someone decent. We all make mistakes, but it's important to learn, even if it's hard to do so.
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Can you guys give it to me straight? Am i the toxic one?
Right before we were dating or while we were in a "weird" period of during the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend asked for some girl's number and he got it but decided not to call her because he was talking to me at the time. He keeps contradicting himself and keeps going back and forth between saying we weren't dating at the time yet and that's why he asked for her number but at the same time saying he didn't call her BECAUSE we were dating, or it was heading that way. He doesn't remember because it was such a long time ago. To me the contradictions all seem to point to him asking for her number while we were talking, it's cool that he didn't do anything with her but am I weird for thinking he shouldn't have asked for her number to begin with? And that while he didn't technically cheat, he at least contemplated it? seriously am i crazy? I almost feel bad for feeling angry about this, but i dont know how to stop
It's not toxic
to be worried but here you're overthinking this and it's messing you up. There's no other choice but to let it go. I understand how it may feel threatening but it's not a threat, if anything it's a proof that even given an opportunity your bf is chosing you. Distract your brain for now with literally anything else for now and eventually you'll be able to let go. >>219333
It's not your fault you happened to date an autist who is unable to communicate anon. It will make you feel better if once you meet someone new, you'll openly talk about this worry of being overbearing and express how much discussing it as it happens would help. Don't blame yourself though!
This is the correct answer. He's keeping you around until something better comes along.
When a guy likes you it's really obvious because he likes you FULLY and doesn't even acknowledge other women as options.
Why give a man the benefit of the doubt?
Anons, how would one go about leaving a long-term relationship? This morning really settled it for me. I feel like I am unsafe staying much longer.
I called him out on lying and he went on a huge rant about how he's an "angel" and the purest and everyone else deserves to suffer, which is why he continues to lie to me to hide something that he believes makes him feel better.
After this, I realized there were many other events leading up to me calling him out were him trying to build a narrative around hiding something from me that I previously asked him to stop doing. I figured he wasn't going to stop and I'm more upset at the fact he continues to lie even after I have asked him if he's still doing this thing. He's living a double life and I want no part of either of it. He's also trying to trap me into staying because he knows I come from an abusive family and I'm more mentally stable away from my parents' care and reminding me of how his mother loves me more than my own mother.
We have an apartment together and I share a phone on his family's line. Most of the items in our apartment are mine and I'm unsure of how to get everything out. I'm trying to think of a plan to leave in one sweep, we work different shifts, which will make this easier. I don't have any local friends to help me out. Maybe I'll buy some external cargo to hold more "boxy" things and space saving bags to reduce mass of articles of clothing and other soft items. I kind of just want to get out of the state, or at least out of town. He knows the location of where I work, so I may have to quit for safety reasons. I have about $5k saved up and I'm certain $2k of it will go towards getting out of town and switching up phones and whatnot. Most I would have to worry about is the fact all the utilities are under my name and how to discuss this with the landlord whenever I feel safe enough, along with my employer. I have a sister that lives a few hours away so I might end up going to her for a few days to compose myself, get everything doing with him off my back, and then be back on my way to the destination of my desire to settle again. The only thing that's gonna suck is finding another apartment, I have no established credit. The state I want to go to pays people in my field well, so fingers crossed things will work out eventually.
Over the years I've gone back and forth on whether things like that are a genuine deal breaker. Ime they haunt you at best and at worst you have a partner who like another anon said…keeps his options open when he should know whether he's into you or not. You have to question if 'quietly keeping my options open' is just his approach to dating. The reality is some men have a pattern of that. They dump you because they were only hanging on waiting for another offer to come along. The best indicator or warning sign for that is whether you were 'one of two options' when you first met him. I've seen that scenario play out often enough.
I had a period where I really tried to believe those indicators didn't mean much if it happened very early on. That it doesn't set the tone for the rest of the relationship.. But I've only ever gone on to regret ignoring those signs.
Only you can weigh up how much this is going to haunt you, whether you should have to suck that up and deal or whether your concerns are legit. A changing version of events is a whole other worrying thing too though. I wouldn't blame anyone for being uncomfortable with that and needing clear answers. If he can't keep his story straight then you don't owe him blind trust on that.
>>219271>You should watch 'My Love' on Netflix. Its about different old couples around the world who are still in love and have spent decades building lives together.>using a netflix doc of all things as an
i really do not know how to explain it more clearly to you that couples who are in love after decades of being together will not spend every single day of those decades being in love. someone can love their spouse of 20 years and still have had a period 10 years into the relationship where they fell out of love and had a small crush on someone else. that's how life works.
You seem like a lonely, sour, bridget jones type. Go have your crushes, go have your flirts, but don't be feeding your spinster propaganda to others.
To any women reading this, no it is not normal to flirt with other people or have 'crushes' during a meaningful relationship. Don't believe their lies.
Dating a fat dude is a mistake you need to make once so you don’t do it again
Bad news but you can’t put him on a diet. Either he decides to lose weight or he never will. Even if he asks for help he will eventually give up because he will discover, like many others, that someone else can’t lose the weight for you. He will also grow to resent you because of the suffering of dietary restriction.
it's funny that you talk about spinster propaganda because if the anons here follow your advice>To any women reading this, no it is not normal to flirt with other people or have 'crushes' during a meaningful relationship.
they would legitimately be single forever. which, you know, doesn't have to be a bad thing if you can find fulfillment within. certainly better than making yourself miserable because the person you're with doesn't measure up to an impossible standard.>>219428
case in point. do you want to be single? it sounds like you want to be single.
>>219438>Overweight people are human too rofl.
men aren't people and the unattractive ones tend to be bigger (no pun intended) assholes>some women are attracted to bigger men.
yes women with low self-esteem.
it's an impossible standard to expect that someone's feelings for you aren't going to ebb and flow if you're together for a really long time and it's an impossible standard to expect them to not be attracted to or interested in other people>>219459
one of the scandis, i'm gonna guess the people who take issue with this are american since that's where people are really in denial about human sexuality and easily swayed by corny pop media
samefag with an update: he texted me yesterday morning and wanted to talk about the situation and well lets say it escalated a bit. he called me and we talked normally about it for roundabout few minutes until he started denying everything and telling me 'how he had no idea about this entire thing' and 'misunderstood everyhing i said to him' and i went complete apeshit on him. i started yelling at him to shut the fuck up and stop gaslighting me and started yelling how much of a fucking shady rat and fullblown retard he is kek might have been not a good thing to do but i couldnt take it anymore like holy shit hearing the fucking bullshit he was saying was unbelivable so i left the fucking call. we continued texting about it and i continued going apeshit and told him to fuck off and choke on his bestfriends dick if he wants to be with him so bad that he even had to flake on me and that i dont want to see him again till the end of the year. we havent texted anymore but i am really tempted to text him if he is okay because i may have been too harsh on him but on the other hand like what the fuck the gaslighted me why is he now the victim
? i am divded in what i should do next because i am always the one to text him after a fight (even though it wasnt my fault most of the times). why cant he be the one chasing after me? i know this might sound toxic
but what the fuck? how am i supposed to not go into ragemode when this motherfucker gaslights and denies everything in a really shady matter?
Are you getting enough attention during foreplay? If the answer is yes, then the only other question I can think of is are you really that into him? I’ve had better sex with guys with big dicks that I was really attracted to than with average sized guys I was ‘meh’ about.
And by the same token I’ve had more enjoyable sex with average sized guys who really liked me and wanted to make me feel good than big guys who were just using my body to get off.
This might be your body telling you something your mind doesn’t want to hear.
I was thinking this too but I didn't want to correct anon in case my body was being unique lol.
I have some mild issues with comfortably taking size.. an orgasm usually dramatically helps in dealing with it.
girl… dump him. you do indeed sound toxic
and unhinged, but i don't blame you for going crazy when you're dating a guy who lies to your face, ignores you, and evades responsibility. it's hard, but you need to tell your friends and family about his fucked up behaviour and enlist their help to keep you away from him. cut contact ASAP. like that other anon said, it's a fresh start in the new year. he does not love you and he is not worth it. you know this already, but the truest truths are the hardest to accept.
I'm currently being petty, told him everything is fine and ignoring him
I don't wanna see his face right now
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Sounds to me like you don’t have a boyfriend anymore. He blew you and your movie date off for fucking pixels. Don’t even bother breaking up with him, if I was you I would just go straight no-contact. He’s not even worth a breakup text.
tried talking to him like an adult, saying how I feel like he's bored of me
We talked, saying he appreciate the time we spend and how he loves how I give him space. Before things were settled he said "Imma go play some video games now"
Def not good for my mental health
just send a screenshot of the convo>>219878
he made it her business when he hit her up
Thank you and other anons replying. I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I’ll just write a little intro, send the screen record, and that will be that. I wouldn’t feel ok just “letting it go” with a kid in the picture and a mortgage involved. Even if I don’t like her, I don’t want to see her suffer. I think JCole said something like “I wanna see you eat; just not at my table.”
I’ll let you guys know is she responds
i wouldn't think that random people owe it to me to get involved in my personal affairs. things are rarely so black and white - the party getting cheated on can be in denial and make you out to be the bad guy for "ruining" their relationship instead of the person doing the cheating. a friend of mine had her name dragged through the mud and had to switch jobs after letting a woman know her husband was having an affair (not with the friend). turns out the wife was aware he was having affairs and was willing to turn a blind eye as long as he "didn't rub it into her face". she ended up being furious with the friend instead because she brought evidence that made it impossible to ignore anymore. you have no idea what other people's relationships are on the inside, sticking your nose in is playing with fire.
and this has nothing to do with "scrote apologism" because this goes doubly so when the person is female - cheating makes scrotes turn violent, "exposing" female cheaters often puts their lives in danger
Love and attraction and faithfulness are a choice. It’s one thing to have occasional fantasies about fictional characters or actors, but the moment you entertain an attraction to someone in your real life circle, while in a relationship, something is wrong. You sound like the kind of woman who would say “me and my boyfriend both talk about hot girls together!!”.
Personally when I am in a relationship, I have a single target sexuality. My partner is at the center of my sexual fantasies, and any outliers I seek out mostly because they remind me of my partner. This shouldn’t be unusual or naive, and it’s sad that “oh it’s normal to grow bored and unattracted to your partner” is normalized in relationships. Isn’t this part of the reason we dislike how popular porn is?
>>219892> i guess it might sound romantic to some to have a partner who isn't interested in other people but that's more often than not a sign of libido problems - the moment they stop becoming aroused by people they would have previously found sexually attractive is the moment your sex life dies too.
No it’s just that your partner should be a priority. If you are a man in a relationship, and you see a woman in a sexy outfit, you should be thinking about how hot your partner would look in that outfit, not the model in the photo.
Lingering too much on attractions outside in a relationship, especially if it’s someone with wildly different features than your partner, is more dangerous to a relationship’s sexual health than just going “yeah my partner openly has crushes on peers and entertains fucking women that aren’t me and this is fine!”. Look on Reddit and see how many women are harmed by their coomer bfs whose celebrity crush preferences and porn preferences are the exact opposite of them in looks or body.
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Nonas I need some advice.
I've been together with my so for almost four years now. He is an incredibly sweet person, but I have had some doubts about the relationship for a good while. First of all I find myself less and less physically attracted to him. Near the start of our relationship I've made it very clear to him that I didn't like him being overweight and putting very little effort into his looks (hair, clothing, etc) in general. He told me he agreed with me but his weight and looks barely changed in those 4 years.
Secondly, there is quite a large age gap between us. When we got together I figured we could overcome this, but as I'm getting older his age and the consequences for starting a family in the future are dawning on me more and more. Finally, I am really inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sex. I was in a very vulnerable position when getting into this relationship and in hindsight would have liked to explore my possibilities a bit more.
This being said, he is seriously kind, caring and intellectually challenging. We get along great and share common interests and a similar sense of humour. Personality-wise he's an ideal match. He's also started to finally show some more interest in dressing nicer over the past few weeks, although I'm still skeptical on whether he'll actually stick with that.
Last week I saw an old friend, and I guess that's what triggered me into more seriously considering ending the relationship. I hadn't seen him in years, and while we were having fun just hanging out he tried to come on to me for a casual hookup (he didn't know I was seeing someone). I actually find this guy very attractive and although I obviously didn't go through with it, I keep thinking about how I did really want to.
What do I do and how do I go about it? I don't want to lose something good just out of curiosity or uncertainty, but I don't want to waste my time on a safe but unsatisfying relationship either.
Thank you for responding anon. I do feel bad for wanting to leave even though he didn't do anything massively wrong. I've never amicably broken up with someone before. I know he'd be very heartbroken and I don't want to hurt him.
>What is it that he's bringing to the relationship that you couldn't get out of a friendship with him?
I guess I'd miss going on romantic trips and dates together. I'd want to stay friends, but he lives like 4 hours away from me so whenever we see eachother we sleep over and usually spend a couple nights together. As friends that would feel awkward so I imagine we wouldn't be able to see eachother a lot. I'm also scared that our interactions would become awkward in general, losing the fun way of interacting we have now.
I'm really surprised to read that you guys live so far apart, has it always been that way? Also, how is his age impacting your options for starting a family? Not trying to be nosy, I just wondered if the relationship would be more satisfying if those factors were different?
For me personally, I don't think it would change much, but that would be because I feel that people who are lazy/unmotivated about their self-care rarely change, and I probably wouldn't want to raise children with someone who would likely teach our kids those same bad habits
>>220013>you guys live so far apart, has it always been that way?
Yep, unfortunately. We met through a friend group online, we all came together to socialize irl regularly so it wasn't an online relationship or anything. It is inconvenient though.>how is his age impacting your options for starting a family?
Well, it's not making it impossible or anything, but I'm pretty sure I won't be ready or want to have kids for another 7 years or so. In that scenario, he'd be nearing his fifties by the time the kid even starts elementary school. I think he'd be a great dad, but it seems inevitable that his age would impact some aspects of parenting, like keeping up physically. And then there's also the higher risk of the child being born with developmental disabilities that's associated with paternal age. It feels really cold to think like that and he can't help any of these things but it's a big enough deal to at least keep in mind.>I just wondered if the relationship would be more satisfying if those factors were different?
That's a good question actually. I think if we were closer in age it would solve a ton of problems, that would definitely be a game changer. The distance I don't mind as much, it's inconvenient but we still see eachother regularly enough.
But yeah, I really feel what you're saying in that people like that rarely change. He is very much someone that changes extremely slowly and gradually, and even then not that much. He is aware of this as well, but it seems to be a core part of his personality. I'm pretty confident that he wouldn't let that negatively influence how he raises a child though. Especially since he's not unhygienic or anything.
>>219906>How can it be unhealthy or codependent to only want to fuck your longterm partner?
listen, no one's gonna force you to fuck people other than your nigel. but a "single target sexuality" to the point where you can't notice other attractive people or fantasize about them unless they remind you of him is
unhealthy - one person, especially a scrote, should never completely monopolize your sexuality. you should be able to have some fantasies or desires independent of him just like you should otherwise retain your sense of personhood in a relationship.>You don't need sex to live.
you don't need it like food or water but sex is absolutely a need in its own right. american puritan culture pretending like it's not the case breeds unhappy resentful marriages and allows men to get away with being selfish because "why would it matter i won't eat you out if i provide food and shelter for you? sex isn't everything :)">And codependency is this case would just mean monogamy which actually a lot of people think is the ideal, men included.
fantasizing or having small crushes you don't act on isn't cheating or non-monogamy. you were the one who made a connection between monogamy and codependency which is honestly pretty telling. and this is just like saying "lots of people think heterosexuality/capitalism/patriarchy is ideal". it's not really a preference if it's presented as the default and people don't get the right to choose.
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you're not a bad person and stuff like this is perfectly common among people who have been together for a long time, yeahhttps://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/24/style/marriage-heather-havrilesky-foreverland.html
I don't get the meme of calling this website something weird. I've seen this a handful of times. Reminds me of this douche from twitter it's a specific lack of sense of humour.
I was in a ltr of about 9 years, we were engaged. I knew for sure I had fallen out of love because I wanted to be with other men. Me suddenly developing horniness for others didn't reignite a spark in an otherwise dead bedroom.
Then I was in a nearly 7 year relationship and the honeymoon phase abrubtly ended after he had a drug induced rage on me. Prior to that we both remarked how fresh it was and how the lust never went away. I still miss him and haven't been with anyone else sexually although I do crush on men. Love's weird.
How tf do basic jokes fly so far over your head lmao
Protip: the entire sentence is utter nonsense, singling radfem out as the inaccurate part is autistic.
>>220117> again, have you considered you would be more fulfilled and happy being single than in a relationship?
You’re saying I’m unhappy and unfuffiled, and I should be single, just because I prefer to center my partner in my sexual fantasies?
I feel sorry for you, anon.
oh i didn't even see that post while typing this >>220305
but it's hilarious to see that people really do make themselves completely miserable over the fact that their partners are human beings
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why are you so autistic? why can't you leave this thread? you've said the same thing over and over again and no one cares to listen to you.
I showed my bf your posts and his face legitimately cringed and said you sound insecure and problematic
serious advice: do fwbs and ons/nsa hookups where you can enjoy the intimacy but it's agreed from the beginning that neither of you owes each other anything more and neither of you expects it to go beyond that. in the meantime, get yourself into therapy if that's an option available to you and hold off on serious dating until you've done the work and are ready for a mature relationship >>220321
yes, of course your nigel said he thinks about you wearing that instead when he sees a sexy instagram model in a bikini. moids would say anything for pussy, i really hope you don't put that much faith into their words. and if he actually used the word "problematic
" then bb that's a future troon right there. enjoy.
>>220341>they were already asked to confirm that they're female
no i wasn't lmao, don't make shit up out of paranoia. how would "confirming" something like that through the internet even work? weirdo>>220340
this is a different scenario because most moids are terrified that even touching another man would make them homogay. the rare man with enough braincells to realize that washing your ass doesn't make you gay has no problem sharing physical intimacy with his male friends. hell, even the straightest of straight bros do gay shit with each other all the time and follow it up with "no homo". you sound sheltered and like you have never had any relationships in your life aside from romantic ones.
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Sooo… my bf posts pics of himself and gets hit on because of it. Just pics of his face and very rarely outfits, taken by either me or his mom or selfies. He's a pretty guy so girls keep trying to flirt with him even though it's clear from his accounts that he has a gf (it's in his bio, pics, whatever). I just don't understand the need to post pics of yourself online. Maybe it's because I'm ugly, but I have no idea why he keeps doing that, I mean he has me for validation?? And he is 24. What should I do nonnas? I don't want him to post pics but I guess it would be unhealthy if I asked him to stop?
, I'd definitely find it controlling and overstepping a boundary if a partner told me I wasn't "allowed" to share photos of myself anymore. It would be one thing if he was solely doing it to get his ego stroked and engaging with these girls, but it seems like he makes it clear he is taken and sadly weirdos come with the territory. If he only does it to share with friends could he maybe make his account private and limit it to people he actually knows? Otherwise if he likes meeting new, non-creepy people through social media you either have to find a way to accept that just because he gets hit on it doesn't mean he's going to cheat/leave, or else walk away from the relationship. You are within your rights to leave anyone for any reason if their choices make you uncomfortable, you just have to decide if he's been good enough to you otherwise to let go of this.
He's not doing anything out of line so it's one of those situations where you have to work on exploring why it bothers you so much and how you can deal with the uncomfortable feelings it sets off. Asking him not to post pics would be unreasonable imo, I think you already know that though.
Sometimes it gets easier with age and dating experience, some people struggle with that stuff for longer. But early twenties is a prime age for struggling with this type of thing. I think we've all had a lil taste of this and just kept our reaction in check.
Months ago I found out that while my boyfriend was on leave, he would actively save sexy pictures of girls he knows irl to jack off to. All actively while he was asking for me to send him nudes, which I was stupid enough to do happily because he's my boyfriend of years. It made me feel like I wasn't enough for him, that I wasn't giving him enough, that he'd prefer these other girls. And I was so stupid, when I found out, I tried to beg and plead to see how it felt from my point of view. I wanted so badly for him to understand how it made me feel and why it hurt.
And like an idiot, now I own a house with him, and I really think I need to get out of this relationship but I feel trapped. I don't know how to approach it, how to tell him I'm not happy when there's no "reason" anymore. We barely have sex (maybe once a month,), he doesn't compliment me, we're only affectionate when we're close by each other, which int often because we hole up in separate sides of the house because I'd rather play MMOs than hang out with him. Which is terrible of me, I know I'm not being a good girlfriend either.
I wish I had broken up with him then, when I had a reason. When I wasn't in such a permanent situation. I'm so full of regret, I feel so stupid for letting a pornsick man make me feel crazy and insecure for being disgusted by that. And I know he has to still be doing it. But it doesn't feel like I can do anything about it.
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Thanks for replies! One more thing I wanted to add, he does get a lot of replies and random DMs from mostly underage girls or way older women… The fact that they interact with his page so much is creeping me out like wtf why is some 14 year old girl spamming emotes under my bf's post??? He doesn't respond but still it's making me uncomfortable. Turning off comments would be a good idea thank you for advice, I'll ask him to do that, let's see how it goes. I get that I'm being dumb, most ppl nowadays post lots of pics of themselves.>>220416
I kinda agree, I understand posting travel pics or pics with friends or whatever but why would you post your face constantly for no good reason…
People are going to have different views on men looking at pics of women but as soon as you mention that it's women he knows IRL… oh that's fucked. That is creepy and way too close to home.
I've been in a situation where I've begged and pleaded a guy to simply see my side of an objectively shit situation he put me in. It's hard to come back from having to beg someone for basic consideration of your feelings. He doesn't sound interested in change or capable of reflection. People like that leave you with no other choice. It'll destroy you to stay with that.
Yea I worry about that too, how do those girls and women even find his page? He is not famous or anything, he doesn't post any content anywhere besides these pictures. I asked him to turn off comments, we'll see how it goes I guess.>>220550
It's not even jealousy, would you be comfortable with your bf getting weird flirty dms and hookup requests from underage girls and older women?
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how do you guys handle mild lies? if your boyfriend told you he was going to go do one thing but then really went to go play video games, is that something i shouldn't mind too much or could it be bad for future situations
the thing is, he said he had to go do something after we spent some time together but i wouldn't care if he told me he just wanted to play video games alone?
the real problem is that you're dating a gamer
but really, casual dishonesty is a red flag. how did you find out what he was up to? did he confess directly or did you catch him in the lie? either way, it seems like he's testing you with small things to build up to bigger lies later on. clearly this made you uncomfortable enough to ask for advice— listen to that voice that says something is wrong. she is your guide. if you value honesty and fidelity, get out now.
Is it just this specific thing or do you have more examples? In this case it could be he's rightfully so lmao
embarrassed about wanting to spend his time gaming; or thinking you'd feel hurt if you knew that at that very moment he preferred to be alone with his vidya than you. I kinda can relate because sometimes as an introvert I prefer to sit at home alone than spend time with my bf and in the beginning it was tough to tell him that because I was very worried he'd be offended.
So if it's only this specific gaming scenario, just make sure to discuss it openly with him and hopefully he'll understand he can tell you this next time it happens. If it's more various half-lies though, a bit of a red flag.
Absolutely horrible advice dear god what happened to this thread it's a mess
Nonnies please take any """advice""" you get here with a huge grain of salt
i think it depends, if you caught him in a lie or if his plans for the day just changed. i know i sometimes i tell my fiance that i have plans to be productive or do something, and then i end up getting distracted with dumb internet shit.
i would tell him now that this does worry you and you want to be honest with eachother.
Not to be overly cynical or pinkpill, but I'll just give you my two cents, take it or leave it.
But I'm 27 now and in my late teens and early 20's had multiple men use the "oh, I thought you were older! I usually don't date women who are so much younger than I am, but I just really like you…" excuse, all of whom turned out to be trash men who were manipulating me. Not saying this per se makes him trash, but it's something to be cautious of. Also all of the ones who made me feel the most wanted in the beginning were the ones who were the shittiest to me later on. Believe me though, if he actually had qualms about dating someone 12 years younger, he just wouldn't do it, and he especially would not be as forward as he is with you. If he really wanted to date someone closer to his age, single women in their late 20's and early 30's are not non-existent, he could probably find an attractive one if he actually looked, especially considering he sounds pretty desirable as far as what most women want. IME men also don't typically care very much/at all if the women they date are in their academic field or not. You are describing this man to sound great. Attractive, smart, educated, financially stable if not well off, having lots of friends, having a good reputation etc… have you stopped to ask yourself why this man at 35 years old is still single? That in itself could be a red flag. If he's such a great guy he probably gets women closer to his age showing romantic interest in him all the time and probably has for the past few years but turned them down because he wasn't interested. Some men are super slow to mature and don't even get their shit together until that age, but with this guy it doesn't sound like that's the case.
Maybe I'm just jaded. 23 is not SUPER young I guess, so he's probably not like a predator or anything, but he could be a covert douche. In the end though you have to trust your gut. If you truly think he is a good guy then go for it. But just keep your eyes open I guess.
Thanks for the insight!!>>220794
Thanks, I appreciate the cynicism. However I don’t want to say he’s like a perfect catch. He’s not super good looking (hairline is receding, typical 35 year old guy look) and he just graduated from his PhD. He’s not super fashionable or anything but I think it’s because he’s a nerd and hasn’t had the priority to fix himself up for women, he’s been studying for a long time.
Also sorry if I implied it but he’s not wealthy at all, he was a TA and living off of a measly stipend like I do as a current grad student. I actually think that the lack of stability for PhD students is a turn off to women his age who are likely in full time jobs. Also because he’s just getting into the labor market now since he just finished his PhD. I can’t really describe this to non grad students but being in school it feels like you’re younger than other people your age who are working jobs. I certainly feel like I lack a lot of experience compared to people my age who have been working as opposed to grad school and I think he also feels the same. He does not seem 35, I expected him to be late 20s or early 30s (32 max).
These are good things to keep in mind though but I also wanted to clarify as he’s not a freakishly charming catch like I might have conveyed in the OP. Thanks again.
>>220789>For reference he is staunchly anti porn and anti casual sex.
Is he really? Or is he just saying that to lure you in?>He said that he agreed but he still wants to get to know me
So he knows he's being a creep but doesn't care about your feelings>He said he assumed I might be older than I look because of how I carry myself and that he normally doesn’t go for younger women
Yikes, heard that one a lot lol>However I do know that I’m in a male dominated field and it’s likely that he’s smitten with me because there’s few women, including attractive ones, in this field
So when he goes out in the real world and meets someone more attractive, will he get bored of you and be just as forward with her as he was with you?>However I am moreso “smitten” with him because of his values
What values? Saying he likes x and hates y could be bullshit for all you know. He could be a deranged coomer. You don't know him. Words mean nothing coming from a man and this guy is saying a lot of things to make me think he's trying to charm you into sex.>I think I like in particular how he makes me feel wanted
Other guys will do that too>He clearly had a crush on me as my TA
Unprofessional and creepy. How many other students does he try to sell this story to?
I think you've already fallen for him hard and will go out with him anyway since I've noticed you're really caping for him in the subsequent posts, but from what you write he seems super sketchy.
nta and gonna be honest I did not read the last thread so I don't really know what the context is and don't care. but I think some people are just slower moving in life, slower to mature or whatever, and some people are single for very valid
reasons (i.e. they are narcs/abusive
etc). 35 and single looking to date 30+ year olds is one thing. 35 and single trying to date someone who is 10+ years younger than you? big red flag
>>220799>No normal 32 year old is interested in relationships with someone almost 10 years younger.
Yes, they do, enough of this tired line. What no normal adults want is date someone whose age ends in -teen and who just barely became an adult. That's not OP, though, she's at an age where pulling the "he's interested in you because you're too naive to see through his bs" line is downright infantilizing. And what no normal adult wants is to date only people that young all the time but it does happen sometimes. Try and find out as much about his previous dating history as possible.
To give you a somewhat less cynical perspective: anons will tell you that he's lying to you about casual sex and porn but there's really no winning for us here. If a man tells you he's not into those things, he could be lying. If he's into those things, he's a coomer. I'd rather take my chances with the first one. What you want to find out is his reasons - is he against porn because of some selfish "it broke muh dick" bs? Or does he have genuine ethical concerns? Is he against hookup culture because it promotes an alienating and game-fying view of human relationships? Or because women should stay "pure"? Ask him before you give him your own thoughts and try to lead as little as possible. For what it's worth, I never ever want to sound like one of those "dear girls: date older guys" women, it's dangerous blanket advice and at at certain stages in life/with certain gaps it's unworkable. But in my experience, the men I met who were genuinely against porn were in their 30s. Men in their 20s tend to have every social media-ready zinger about sex positivity and sexual expression and how this is actually good for you in response.
I was also hit on a lot by older men between 18-21 and I although I never dated or hooked up with them I would say just the act of being hit on by men that older was traumatizing. It made me scared to go out by myself, made me worry about how I had to come off for men that old to be into me, made me feels like a piece of meat. In my mid 20s, I dated some guys in their 30s. It would be ridiculous to try and compare those experiences. I was a willing participant in those relationships, I enjoyed our time together, I did not feel taken advantage of (certainly not any more than when being with the average selfish coomer in their 20s) and when those relationships did end, it was for reasons any other relationship would end, not painful bitter breakups. One of those relationships is still ongoing today. Age gaps aren't always workable but they (the non-extreme ones) aren't a guarantee of abuse once you're around your mid 20s anymore.>>220811
This sounds like the whiny anon from last thread who is single because she's whiny. But she's kinda right - plenty of otherwise normal people with nothing wrong with them are single in their 30s nowadays. I have plenty of friends, male and female, who are and it just kinda happened to them because of e.g. a long term relationship they have been in since their 20s ended. Not everyone wants to lock down the first rando they see because muh biological clock or start popping out babies at 18.
I've been seriously considering breaking up with my boyfriend but I'm so scared of it and I am uncertain if that would be a good decision… Through our relationship, I've been constantly weighted down by his mental illness. It made him put zero effort into anything besides farting around on the computer (and sometimes he felt too shitty even for that). TLDR I forgot what it's like to live in a house where you eat breakfast at a normal time, cook and clean regularly etc. I've never gotten gifts on time that weren't something grabbed from a mall in a last-ditch effort, even though I've told him a million times how important that has been for me. His family lives 20 minutes from a beautiful historical city, yet he NEVER took me there to sightsee and have fun. A friend had to (coincidentally) invite me to travel there for me to see how beautiful it is! He preferred to keep us locked for days in a tiny flat with his old relatives because it would be "a waste of time and money". All that time I was going crazy because I felt trapped, bored and had nothing to talk about with basically strangers. The one holidays we've been to together, I had to book and plan myself.
All those years I've been working on him and on our relationship instead of on focusing on myself. That could be fixed, if he started treating shit seriously (which he seems to, right now). But even if that was taken care of… there's a bigger issue. I've never been crazy about him. When we started dating, I felt calm and safe. I wasn't madly in love and tbh I kind of settled. I did love him, but never felt passionate… to the point that after a short time, I've stopped wanting to have sex whatsoever. I thought for years that it's a matter of depression, trauma-induced asexuality etc. He has dealt with it and decided to give me as much time as needed. I've read somewhere about people overcompensating out of fear when looking for a new relationship and it all clicked. The previous times I've been in love, it was with people who were toxic and inaccessible, but that I've been crazy about and whom I've lusted for. My current relationship is the opposite. Stable and loving, but there is zero lust (from my side) and I'm not that physically attracted to him. It's worsened by him being a manchild that has zero interest of taking care of himself, looking good, fashion etc. I keep imagining myself with someone who is more like my celebrity crush, which can be summed up as a reliable, attractive and well-groomed man that takes care of me and makes me feel like a woman.
I still love him a lot and he probably loves me even more. Any time I think about it, he hugs me or does something kind and I want to cry.
We are each other's main support systems, as we are loners, either due to social issues or choice. I really don't know what to do. I'm horrified of being alone or unloved forever, it's also a bit difficult for me to picture him dating someone else. I'm scared of no longer being the person that is his entire world and that is special to him. We live together, so I need to be sure what I want… I cannot lose our pet too. He's been MY dream and while we are both taking care of it, I would say that I'm doing the 60%. My boyfriend isn't violent, but he tends to scream like an idiot when a video game or pet annoys him (even though it doesn't help whatsoever), so…
I know all of this sounds bad, but my heart hurts so bad and I'm so afraid. I hate to think about our promised future together never happening, of breaking his heart and losing him. But I also can't stop thinking that both of us deserve better. I've tried so many things and I cannot make myself attracted to him sexually (especially since he hadn't tried to fix the problem from his side). Even if he agrees to put some work into himself, it always ends up with me caring more about it and actually researching it. I hate it so much.
I'm not gonna debate with advice that you will give me since it probably will be right. It's just an extremely difficult situation for me for multiple reasons (on financial and emotional basis). I'm also severely mentally ill and in treatment for that (which I should have gotten 15 years ago — maybe I wouldn't be an isolated mess with zero self-esteem).
>>220789 >Frankly he has been really ballsy with how obvious he is about his crush
I'm close to this guys age and I'm gonna agree with the anons who say something is wrong with a person this age if they're going to actually persue a 23 year old and act like their intentions are pure. It takes a really emotionally stunted or manipulative person to do that imo. The occasions where it works out are rare and in the world we're in right now it's only getting rarer for age gaps to not indicate that shit is unhealthy and their intentions are to get a less experienced partner.. because people their own age can't tolerate them for whatever reason. Imo it is a red flag for them having issues. Issues that they hope you'll be too inexperienced to spot right off the bat.
Nobody hit me with a wall of text. I'm talking to op and this thread needs to stop already with the retarded infighting over varying opinions.
I've been in live-in relationships at times when I was unwell, I was doing nothing to help myself and kinda dragging the other person down/offering very little as a partner.. twice I've had men say look enough is enough and they leave me while I'm at a bad point. I can get why people feel shit leaving a depressed person behind but if someone's not even helping themself while you're there to support them then what do either of you gain from the relationship? You can't stay with them out of sheer pity or a feeling of responsibility. In my case I feel like I get worse while dating because I sit back and take them for granted. I take for granted that they'll just never leave.. I don't need to improve myself lol. Hopefully I've learnt better by now. But that's a thing sometimes, stagnating in relatiosnhips and getting a kick to wake up and work on yourself when single.
If you leave it might be a wake up call for him, it might not and he might just dwell and ruminate and feel sorry for himself.. it can really go either way but it's up to him to take hold of his own life again and you are entitled to move on if you feel done.
>>220820>I know sex is just sex and doesn’t mean anything in the long run
If this was at all true, why would you follow up with>but it really doesn’t sit right in my soul
You're clearly having second thoughts about this arrangement, so I think now is a good time to call it off and calm down. Having sex just for the "experience" or as "practice" for future partners is wholly worthless, especially when you have a history of sexual assault. It's too intimate an experience to share with a random moid who is not invested in you. I know you say you're friends, but it sounds like you barely trust him and only chose him because there was no one else. Call it off before it goes any further. If he's at all worthy of your friendship, he'll respect your decision. You don't need to practice PIV sex. What you need is to heal and start respecting yourself, meeting yourself where you are rather than running to play catch up with hypothetical people who hypothetically judge your lack of sexual experience.
Similar childhood here but I became sexually active at like 19. I spent a decade pretty much being triggered
by sex and just having it anyway. A shitshow. Tbh having sex, esp piv can mentally fuck you up if you haven't had specific csa centred therapy.
I stopped having sex a few years ago because I'm too aware of how the issue never stopped lingering because I didn't stick with therapy for long enough.. I couldn't handle my own pain over this. I used a toy a few months back and while sometimes I'd get tearful during inserted play.. this time I just fucking threw up out of nowhere. Don't underestimate how much your body holds trauma and how re-experiencing those acts can drag up a world of pain you didn't know was there. Chances are you don't know the depth of what's been repressed and it's no joke when you unearth all that. I wouldn't go through this with an fwb, even if he's an actual friend and seem supportive.
Thank you nona. I wish it was only a matter of feeling guilty due to his mental illness. We are basically family. Everything could be fixed except for my lack of attraction and sexual feelings, and the nagging feeling that I don't want this to be how my love life is gonna be forever. But then people say that passion flows in every relationship etc. and I don't know if I'm not being delusional. Wanting to ruin the one good relationship that happened to me while expecting something impossible. I want to feel passionate about my partner and for him to inspire me to be my best. I do not want to be the one running our lives. I've always wanted to be with a reasonably dominant man. How am I supposed to want to get fucked by someone that I don't look up to and don't respect?
Horrible thing is that I haven't even decided on breaking up and I'm already haunted by him and our life together
So help me understand this. You're hesitant to break up because you feel responsible for him, because you feasibly could
continue supporting him and trying to fix him if only you could get over these pesky, useless feelings of dissatisfaction. If I have that right, you are seriously downplaying your own needs and ambitions. You were not born to take care of this guy. It's not your job to put up with his depression and pull all the weight in a recovery he holds no interest in. Did you enter this relationship excited to be ignored, shut-in, disrespected, and sexless? He's not holding up his end of the bargain. He hasn't for a long time now.
That horror you feel is your heart urging you to get out before it's too late. You have your own life to live. At this point it's not even about him anymore. Why are you staying in an unhappy situation? Why are you so hard on yourself that you think it's acceptable to live in such misery? What are you compensating for by staying in a dead end relationship? Why do you feel guilty for having expectations and needs? Who violated your boundaries so thoroughly that you are accustomed to such hell?
Chances are you won't be able to answer any of these questions in full until you get space away from him. You need serious psychological help, and that is not a bad thing. Please, for once in your life, prioritise yourself. Break up with him.
Thanks anon, I plan to ask more about his past dating history. If it goes well then I’ll confirm whether he actually does not go for women younger than him. Whether he lied to me about that should be an indication of his motives.
His views are not just No Fap, he’s only spoken about the ethical side of porn and not anything like muh dick is broken so far. I’ve been wary of telling him my own opinions on these things as I’ve had guys previously lie to me. From what I can tell, for him to bring them up and to have so much to say in regards to the ethics of these issues is a good sign imo. His opinions aren’t typical male narcissism of ME ME ME my dick which is painfully common of men in general, including old ones.
I don't care to get into this debate at all but the "nuances of a power imbalance complete with a 10+ year age gap" are completely different depending on what life stages the people involved are in. If you talk about toxic
age gaps when the younger person is in mid to late 20s, you are fucking weird and as someone who was actually in a "power imbalance age gap relationship" when she was 18, I fucking hate you and the tik tok zoomers watering down this concept until it means nothing.
That anon asked questions that I tried clarifying whereas other anons aren’t saying anything that I can clarify/dispute rn. I only have suspicions that he could be a groomer and tried to provide enough information to present the situation accurately. As it stands I can’t dispute the grooming thing because I don’t even know myself right now.
Tbh he’ll very likely show his ass like all men do and I’ll end up cutting him off. I also don’t have to get married to him after one date either.
Of course it's different but just because she's not a minor doesn't mean it's not weird. I've also been in a similar situation when even younger, does that make my opinion more valid
? Just because anon isn't a literal child being groomed doesn't make the situation any less sketchy or potentially dangerous. A man in his mid 30s not being able to find a partner in his own age group is a red flag. His talk about maturity is too. Maybe it's truly nothing but the scenario absolutely has potential for abuse.
I see your point. Discussion on casual sex came up because I mentioned something else and said that I haven’t dated people casually because I am too wary of the risks with casual sex and think generally think that the “reward” basically never outweighs that risk. He himself started talking about how disconnected people are from the purpose of sex and how it’s more meaningful than people want to pretend. I’ve talked to guys who try to steer conversations like these towards their dick and get flirty but he didn’t do that at all or try to pry about “what kind of a sex life do you have then hehe lol”. I’ve had men in their late 20s who try to pull that fuckboy shit so it gave me a good feeling when he didn’t.
The origins of the porn conversation is kind of hard to explain but I already guessed that he was anti-porn based on what he said about sex. I joked that I dislike porn addicts on social media to which he flat out said that porn should be illegal.
Okay I’m going to stop trying to justify his behavior. I will try to give him a chance with one date and it very likely will probably fizzle out anyways as I am an avoidant person and ghost men pretty well.
Every relationship with a scrote has potential for abuse. Calling relationships between adults that age "sketchy and potentially dangerous" is some stranger danger panic shit. Reminds me of tik tokers calling literally every random thing out there a sign of potential human trafficking. But I truly don't care to debate this further, I never feel good good going back to those memories and I'm aware I'm not gonna change anyone's mind. My only advice to the OP is that cautiously going on a few dates doesn't automatically mean she'll end up this guy's abused wife and a scrote "your own age" has all the same potential to be abusive
Sure, let's ignore red flags because any relationship can become abusive
, good advice.
Don't do it. I am honestly shocked how many people have relationships where their sex-life is just completely fucked or non-existent and it's just going to make you unhappy.
Currently am browsing pregnancy/trying to get pregnant subs on reddit and the amount of women in sexless relationships who want a baby but can't make their coomer husbands have sex with them, or have serious issues having sex around ovulation because both just don't want to fuck each other and having sex several times a month is "too much" for them is just… shocking. Why the fuck do people do this? If you don't want to fuck each other you shouldn't be together. Even if everything else matches. It's just one of the base things you should have in a relationship. You should find each other attractive and want to fugg.
But who wouldn't want to devote their youth to someone they describe in /g/ as an obese clown with Down's eyes?
It's the umpteenth post here in, what, a month? Nonnies, get a grip, build some self-respect.
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It's pathetic but shit like this makes me feel afraid of relationships even more. It's such a scary idea, being with someone and thinking they love you only for them to secretly think of you in such a way and plan their exit but lack the guts to follow through
>>221077>If this is how he's acting when you're sick/in need of care,
she has covid, what kind of "care" can he provide for her? asking her to go to a hotel is extreme but he shouldn't be doting on her with warm soup either, they do need to isolate away from each other
he sounds like an ass but you were
reckless. this is not the time for family gatherings anymore and "vaccinated and boosted" might as well be meaningless at this point. you had months before omicron to do that shit.
But tbh we are hardly ever on the other side.
For these nonnies it's just a matter of being more honest with their choices and the people they connect with in life. It's one thing to "date down", it's quite another one to settle for someone unattractive.
Committing to a man you are actually, genuinely attracted to is the only real option available, but some people clearly need reminding for some strange reason.
Care as in bringing her food, water, medicine for symptom management, as well as generally making sure she's rested, comfortable, and that her condition is improving, all of which can be done with minimal contact. Literally just set up a table/chair outside the bedroom door, leave the stuff on a tray there, and stay away for the brief period that the door is open. Disinfect anything she touches. Wear a mask and rubber gloves while washing her dishes. None of this is rocket science.
If OP can't afford to stay in a hotel for a week, there's no way she has the funds to order room service daily and pay someone to buy and deliver medicine to her. Not to mention how bleak and depressing it would be to stay all alone in an unfamiliar, bland, impersonal room, where no one checks up on you or knows your name. Corona is basically the worst flu of your life, made worse by the social isolation you undergo even after you start to feel healthy again. I don't expect anyone to understand when they haven't had it themselves or intimately known someone who had it, but it's not easy. It's demoralising and upsetting, and you absolutely need the support of your loved ones to get through it. What you don't need is scolding, guilt trips, and avoidable debt.
So seriously fuck off of your high horse. We're in a plague. Have some compassion.
yeah, long covid brain damage is easy peazy!>>221091>What you don't need is scolding, guilt trips, and avoidable debt.
telling grown ass adults that actions have consequences is not "scolding" or "guilt trips"
Tbh in my case it's not that I find him unnactractive or don't like him or 'settled' just to have a bf.
We just don't match sexually. He's rough and not in a good way, rushes things and I have a hard time getting him to wear a condom since I cant take contraception bc of medical stuff.
After several tries and talks and ending up disappointed and unsatisfied im guessing my body is turned off permanently lol.
This wasnt like this at the beginning of the relationship though. So that's why I asked and I feel kinda lost because this never happened to me before
I'm sorry, I was thinking of earlier nonnas in the thread when I wrote that obese clown description.
Still, even he isn't as bad to look at, be with someone that can minimally satisfy your needs? I don't think this is negotiable until much later in life, and even then.
I've known couples in this position and they've all stayed in the same home. The sick partner stays in the bedroom and gets meals, drinks and medicines dropped to the door while the other partner sleeps seperately and they get through it.
Surely being in a hotel makes it harder and way more expensive to just arrange for food/medicine and any other basics you might need over the space of a week to reach you. It also puts more people at risk if staff are in charge of bringing you things instead of just one person doing it at home. Like are you meant to get 3 room service meals a day or take out for week straight? Was he planning on shopping for you and dropping off supplies to the hotel? Might as well just keep you at home and do what everyone else is doing. He's making it harder than it needs to be. Well harder on you, easier on him.
I'd stay away from soul mate and especially from 'twin flame' talk if you want to come across as balanced to potential partners.
If you read pretty much any discussion by people going through the twin flame version of love it always sounds toxic
and obsessive. Stay grounded in reality and concentrate more on what's emotionally healthy rather than ideas that are based on destiny and souls. It's natural that we nearly all crave a meaningful romantic connection but twin flame shit is just bpders and scorned exes who can't move on. Have you ever seen the ones who talk about 'runners' aka a partner who already went no contact with them? It's nutty stuff. The opposite of healthy.
you fundamentally misunderstood the argument if you thought the point was that long-lasting love doesn't exist. it does but it isn't a prison and it's not a smooth ride all the way through either.>>221109
? there is more than one person posting in these threads, you know
i would also never tell people to just "be poly", no need to bring your insecurity and control issues over here. i had enough friends hurt because they fell for someone in a formerly mono relationship only for the formerly mono spouse to suddenly get cold feet and demand that their partner end their relationships and go back to monogamy.
You're just most obsessive and emotional in nature, and I don't say this in a bad way. Some people just desire this level of connection and intimacy.
Rather than trying to change yourself, just accept it and wait for someone who is also like you. You can then both be obsessed with each other, whether soul mates exist or not.
Make the emotionally abusive
and socially retarded dipstick who cheated on me with a woman in her early 20s take therapy. Fucking shit gun wedding peace of shit I hope their shitty ass trailer gets foreclosed.
Diff anon but my last ex cheated, left me for that woman and rubbed their happiness in my face in the most ott unnecessary way. I'll never understand it. Cheating will always be wrong, just leaving before you get intimate with someone else is always going to be the decent option that saves people a world of pain. No excusing that choice. At the same time though you have to take time out and work on being ok again before expecting someone else to come along and sweep you off your feet. Dragging old emotional injuries into a new relationship isn't kind to that new person. Sounds like this is all still very raw for you.
I hate that the betrayed partner is the one usually stuck doing the internal work but you have to, you don't get to be bitter and demanding and unrealistic all because of a shithead ex who set you off. There's a limit on how long you get to be this bitter for before people get fed up. If you excuse that too much then it does you no favors in the long run. It hurts you and your future partners, not him.
From my friend's experience she's been in a relationship with her bf for 5+ years and it was only these past few years that her and her bf stopped having sex. I thought it meant they aren't into each over anymore but then I found out both of them have 0 sex drive.
Even though my friend made her relationship somehow work i'm not too sure about yours.
It literally reads like the same tired story with these big age gaps you see again and again.>>221349
I think your geriatric bf needs his diaper changed
I mean I'm in my thirties and to have the advantage of 10/15 extra years of adult life under my belt…holy shit that gap in life experience is fucking significant. It's a world of difference once you're here at this age and looking at someone in their early twenties. It really is.
You're not approaching a relationship as true equals when that gap exists, you're putting so much added blind faith into a partner when you trust them to not run rings around you based on your different life stages and levels of experience dating. When it's a scrote and they're talking about their fap habits with you before the first date even happens… you'd have to be painfully naive to go there. The messed up dynamic has already started as he convinces her he's a good option. Some women need to learn this the hard way and I hate to see it happening.
He seems a bit too tryhard into trying to get your trust. I am 28 and at 23 I wasn't aware at all about how proper relationships should look like, let alone redflags in men. 5 years in experience is huge, I can't imagine 12. I just entered workforce recently, and it still looks bad that at 35 he relates to a 23 yo more than to a person his age.
I don't know you and I don't know how mature you are, so I can't comment on his statement on you, just consider that ime "mature for your age" itself doesn't mean anything, you're still as mature as a 23 year old can be, not a 30 year old. That said, beware because if he's too liked among his peers you're more likely to find yourself alone if shit gets bad. Manipulative people tend to get approval from everyone around them.
My advice is, try to get into conflict with him on something, even if it means playing a devil's advocate, just find a topic and try to get him cornered. If he tries not to disagree with you, it's a huge redflag. You get a person truly once you've entered in conflict.
If you literally just started working at 28, I'm not surprised you're infantile enough to baby a 23 year old. Bet you complain about "adulting" too.>>221369
You are the one treating a 23 year old like an underage girl, kek. Maybe don't do that and don't invite the comparison.
An older man who talks to a young girl about his sexual views in a way to manipulate her doesn't want a healthy relationship with her. He's going to use you and then since he's well liked, people will think of you as the bad guy. If he was considering a relationship he'd have one with a woman his age. >>221476
You gave them sound advice, it's probably a troll or a girl with poor support system who's probably not going to listen to anyone's advice. Also she's immature enough to come to an advice thread to boast about her weird geriatric moid and call any woman who speaks up jealous and old. Kek
Scholarships are a thing. Also, what does this say on a man that hasn't started working at 35? You sound too desperate. Get out.>>221485
Yeah, it was better when people were being abused without knowing.
Who's being abused here? That's the thing, it's not that young people care more about abuse, it's that you're all straight up terrified of sex. Look at the people in this thread saying that talking about your views on dating and sexuality with someone you're flirting with is predatory and a red flag. Shouting that absolutely everything is abusive
and predatory does nothing to help actual abuse victims
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"young zoomer women are afraid of sex"
Get out, moid. It's creepy because it's an old guy bringing it up way too early.
it's unwise to say the least>>221570>i think you shouldn't pass judgements when it doesn't concern you
strange thing to say on an imageboard made for gossiping lol
Who said women? Zoomer scrotes are only worse, with sexualities completely ruined by porn and a fear of any real intimacy.
And a person you're moving towards possibly having sex with talking to you about their views on sex and dating is literally the most normal thing in the world, even if people who can neither cook nor order food on the phone because "crippling anxiety" disagree.
Is it normal for guys to ask for sexy pics/nudes of girls they are into? like once every few days.
The decent guy I like is asking for pics every now and then and now I'm worrying that he's only interested in dating me for my body and looks… If anyone can reply that would be great.
My bf was also a super loner with lots of untreated trauma, he used discord as a place of escape. He said everyone who erps or does shit like that online is just incredibly lonely. He was guilty of it too and admitted how empty it all made him feel. I know I'll get shit from this too, but take it from me, if your intuition is telling you that this guy is going to continue having bad habits and not change for you, then leave. If he treats you well, and is willing to actually grow with you and leave the past behind, then try not too worry too much, you'll drive yourself crazy.
I would say this whole generation is guilty of doing creepy shit online, so maybe give him a chance, it's all about how he treats you in person.
yeah he does give off the vibes of those depressed lonely nerdy guys who eventually get memed into being a tranny through r9k and reddit and shit and he is a lil feminine/soft (but thats something i like in men) but i was hoping i could lightly radpill him into the mindset hes okay the way he is being a soft boy and it doesnt mean hes actually a girl, even if i decide i dont like him anymore i dont really want him to full on troon out somewhere down the line in 10 years.
i still kinda dont know how to feel about the fake online persona, i think its fine to pretend to be someone else online but the part that grosses me out is talking to and roleplaying with actual girls while they dont know hes actually a guy>>221680
yes he absolutely has trauma although he doesnt seem interested when i suggest he should try sort through how he feels with a professional which is kinda a red flag for me. in person he is very caring and gentle and is very attentive in my slight mood shifts and checks to make sure im feeling okay
My bf was really bad during the first year, but I didn't suggest he whinge dump onto a professional, instead he just really needed to talk to someone. We spent a whole year basically unpacking what had happened in his life and he finally understood where things went wrong for him. He eventually even made up with his mother and sister etc.
I don't think professionals are the best for someone who is fresh out of loneliness, because it is still having to tell everything to a stranger which to men like that, can be really scary.
My bf is gentle and sensitive too, so I'm sure you'll be able to slowly get him to open up and help him forgive himself for the past and understand why he even did all this in the first place. I've met too many men and women who've used the internet as a place of escape for years, it's so sad especially because of how much evil influence is on the internet and how easily you get sucked into 'groups'. But no one talks about it enough and even shames you if they find out you did things like that.
Give him time, and help him talk. Don't guilt him but help him understand. I'm sure you two will be okay, as long as he treats you well and proves to you that he is going to grow as a person.
"Young zoomer men" straight up turn their girlfriends down to jack it to porn. I don't know a single young heterosexual woman who has a truly fulfilling sex life and part of that is them admitting their boyfriends are always "too tired and stressed" to perform, have ED from porn etc etc.
"Telling someone about sexuality" isn't flirting, it's what you do with someone you are flirting to see if you two are even going to get to fucking. People check compatibility and they do it even sooner when they're at a point in life where they know what they want. In conclusion, you're retarded, go outside.
I'm a zoomer and never heard or saw a guy turn a girl down for porn on anywhere(irl or online) but reddit. Even then the guys being talked about weren't zoomers but old men who probably had ED.
You were the one who said talking about sexuality when flirting is fine, that's what I quoted. He's obviously trying to manipulate her into thinking he's "not like the other bad men" which is untrue, he's a pornsick scrote who's going for a much younger girl just like all pornsick guys do.
Why are you defending the guy so hard?
I had a friend of mine have to go to a sex therapist because her sex life was dead and the therapist told her that if porn is the only way her scrote can get it up, she should watch it with him during sex. That's an extreme example but it's not an outlier.
I said "when flirting", it's not meant to be a form of flirting, ffs. It's not difficult to understand. You talk about sex with a person you might likely have sex with.
I don't give a shit about the guy, hysteria about age gaps between adults just makes people sound absolutely insane and paranoid.
My ex spent at least a year popping up every few weeks just to ask "so hows things?" He even had a new gf so was acting like he just wanted to check that I'm doing ok in my new place.. it felt weird though. I ignored him nearly every time and he persisted through different forms of contact. I eventually got fed up and told him I was dating a girl to see if that helped.. It was a bit of a lie, I liked someone but hadn't made the move yet. Worked though and I never heard from him again. So him having a gf didn't stop him messaging me but me having one did?.. I'm not on social media for him to stalk it or see when I'm single again.
Can you get away with pretending you've moved on with someone new or would he be able to fact check? Sometimes that's the closure that they need to fully fuck off.
You make no sense. You first said it was normal to talk about porn and sex when they were barely flirting but now say it's not what you meant.
The fact that a man bringing up porn and sex when you're not even dating isn't a redflag to you while you sperg out so much about how a guy being a zoomer must mean all he thinks about is porn… Ironic.
The issue isnt only that he's older, it's that he's clearly using that experience to try and manipulate nona into thinking he's "one of the good ones" while he conveniently befriends and romances people much younger than him.
I won't reply further as we've been shitting the thread but I understand you have different opinions and respect them but don't think age gaps that big make it possible for a balanced and healthy relationship.
>>221645 >during his peak depression
This is a weak excuse. The same weak excuse that too many men use after they've either invaded womens privacy or been sexually pushy with them. Depression, isolation, not valid
excuses for it. You're right to feel like he's just gross.
What's the name of that criminal tranny who did the same thing getting off to girls period talk by pretending to be a bio woman? Same vibe. Men who cross that line can't be trusted to just come back to normality. I'd be careful about anything you share with him.
I've been using it for years because I remember when it first came out and everyone was excited to move from teamspeak onto a platform with better design. I think a lot of us got really attached to discord because it was new and trendy, like myspace or facebook. I know I'm a degenerate for using it, but I would be so sad if someone outright hated me for using it.
I find snapchat, instagram and reddit more problematic
. On discord I can now cater myself into servers that I enjoy and that actually bring me positive gratification.
thats nice if youre okay with that anon but im really not interested in being a free therapist and trying to "fix" him>>221690
hes into yuri so youre probably right on the fetish part, i dont know the reason he pretended to be specifically a girl, i guess i can ask him. the reason for hanging on the discord a lot was because he wanted to feel loved and liked, i dont know what it has to do with his trauma, i just know he was depressed and he felt happier there>>221736
the period talk came from me saying "oh but im sure if you talked to actual girls on there theyd figure it out" and he said he did talk to actual girls on there and i was like what? did you talk about periods? and he said yes and said he basically just went along with whatever the other girl said to not be suspicious/keep up the act. i dont know the details of the erp stuff, he just said he did it in general and when i asked if he did it with girls he said he didnt wanna talk about it anymore and i take evading the question as a yes>>221739
honestly i am really hoping it was just other men larping as anime girls too but the thought of him pretending to be female while talking to an actual girl disgusts me
>>221735>You make no sense. You first said it was normal to talk about porn and sex when they were barely flirting but now say it's not what you meant.
I don't care to shit up this thread even more either but you really really need to learn how to read. I said it's normal to talk about it with someone you're flirting with. You took it to mean that's a form of flirting by itself and only confused yourself more when that was explained to you. Probably half of this argument wouldn't exist if you just paid attention.
And I still don't know what to tell you if you think that talking about sexuality in the initial talking stage is weird. I've had this happen with both men and women, if this is not your situation I can only conclude you date people you don't communicate with and don't even know at the end of the day, which is why you and probably like half of this thread end up shocked that you're with coomers. You don't filter.
>>221681>yes he absolutely has trauma
no one's gonna like hearing this but this should have been your red flag to run. men and women don't experience trauma the same way. basically every woman i know has been traumatized in some way, most of them don't wear it as an identity, all of them have put in the work by doing therapy, taking meds etc. men don't actually want to get better from trauma. they are only interesting in blaming the world, circumstances, the people who traumatized them, capitalism and so on. they don't try in therapy. they "don't like" meds. what they want is to be mommied and coddled. that is, if they are even actually traumatized in the firs place. i had a moid refer to his first girlfriend cheating on him as "trauma". many of them don't have anything to actually feel victimized about so they make up/exaggerate things. don't stay with a man who claims to have trauma, he will only drag you down. and the ones with childhood sexual trauma are very prone to trooning out to boot.>>221683
case in point, don't be like this loser. seriously, you spent a year babying a grown adult because you didn't want him to go to an… actual professional whose job is to listen to him? because he's too super speshul for that? you are an absolute embarrassment and need therapy yourself, holy shit.
>>221764>I spent a year babying a grown adult
Sure, I guess I am a loser. I too was traumatised when we first met. I went through the death of a loved one and lost my job at the same time. His stepmum is a 'psychiatrist' at our local hospital and she told him he has autism. But when my bf went to see another psychologist he was diagnosed with general anxiety and he got negative on the autism test. I was tested for depression and got positive.
I guess I was a loser for 'babying' him, but he helped me understand myself too. He helped me get over my grief, helped me get survive by getting a better paying job and buying us a place to live, and helped me get over my abusive
teenage relationship which I couldn't get over for years. Tldr we're both big babies, but now we're married adults with two kids and we both thank eachother for spending honest time together to talk about our problems and figure out what went wrong and where.
But he, did make himself more self reliant over the years? Through our journey he grew as a person, got the help he needed from me at first, then became self sufficient, got promoted at work, patched things up with family, hit the gym, we learned to cook together. And sure, I kiss his boo boos all the time, but he kisses mine too.
Our kids love us for now and we try our best to keep our mental health in check for them.
Sorry anon, you're right I was being retarded. >>221770
Does your anxiety trouble you during other daily activities? If so you could try going to a therapist or psychiatrist since that'd be the best way to tackle your issues. You could also open up to your partner to see if that helps you ease up.
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how can you tell the difference between when a guy is just being a regular emotionally stable man vs just not really into you in the dating phase?
everyone i've been with love bombed me at the beginning so now this new guy isn't and i'm wondering if he just doesn't really like me.
he drives to see me, brought me medicine when i was sick and always pays for food but he also doesn't do goodmorning/goodnight texts or call. i can't tell if he's just living his life and fitting me between (as he should) or he's talking to other girls and i'm lower on the roster.
i always return the energy and i'm friendly but i'm not treating him like a boyfriend or anything.
i guess i could always be cool and wait a month for valentine's day as a litmus test.
It looks like he likes you, he wouldn't do all of this stuff if he wasn't into you imho.
Good luck, Nonna!
So, update - I tested negative once, assuming my next test comes up negative as well I should be okay. So things haven't had to reach the point of me going to a hotel, and he's not upset anymore, but I'm still hurt by the initial conversation. We talked/argued a bit about it when my results were still unsure and after my post, and he relented and said he would go to his parents instead, but it was after I was clearly upset and he wasn't pleased about it either. This seems like such a small thing to break up over (not that there haven't been issues before) but it's sticking with me a bit, that he would just send me away. Like anons mentioned, without any worry about exposing hotel staff or how I would pay for things.
For the anons who mentioned it, I saw my mom and dad for Christmas, who are both vaccinated and have boosters. It wasn't some crazy huge family gathering, not that it seems to make a huge difference these days but. At the time I didn't think I was being reckless.
It just seems like a sign of things to come in the future. I'm really hurt and I don't know if I can get over it.
Can he by any chance be gay or have trauma in the past? He doesn't want to cuddle or be intimate with you, does he kiss you or show his affection in other ways?
This is just a guess though. Also has he dated other women before? If he used to be a virgin maybe he's embarrassed of his bad performance, though that doesn't seem likely.
He takes responsibility too, but I do feel like he isn't willing to admit that just 5-15 minutes of penetration isn't going to make me cum. I've tried to explain it to him, but he thinks we just need to do it enough and then I can get there. I would understand it if I'm disappointing in bed so he's not into it so much, but he won't admit that, won't tell me what I could do differently or what could make him want me more.
We are doing well otherwise. He clearly cares about me but because of neglect as a child I think he's emotionally distant. He can get vulnerable with me and talk about those issues, but he doesn't seem to do anything to try to work on them.>>222179
He isn't gay but there might be trauma from the neglect. Other people getting too close makes him uncomfortable but he's tried to assure me that that isn't the case with me and I haven't noticed him getting uncomfortable.
What comes to him maybe being concerned about his performance, I can't tell. It's possible but I've given him so many chances to be better and actually do something to help me cum but it's like it turns him off when I guide him.
It would make sense that he's just too tired for sex, but is that even normal for a 26 year old? And it doesn't make sense to me that he'd want to do it by himself in the shower after turning me down. Keeping in mind this is fairly new behavior. It used to be much better and he showed more passion.
He sounds pornsick tbh. Porn taught him that women are supposed to have screaming orgasms after 5 minutes of humping like a rabbit. He's probably not often in the mood because you don't perform the same way that women who are paid to perform in porn do, which is also why he prefers his "private time" over having sex.
The only way to heal a pornsick scrote is for him to cut out porn completely and stop masturbating too, but not many guys are willing to give it up. Men who don't constantly have their every desire fulfilled at the click of a button are more able to enjoy the real thing.
The fact that he doesn't even want to cuddle is a huge red flag. You can't be too tired for cuddling. Me and my boyfriend fall asleep cuddling every night.
So he sounds like the typical emotionally dead scrote. He doesn't satisfy you emotionally or sexually. Why are you with him exactly?>>222202
Imo, that is unacceptable. If he was so tired he wouldn't have sex with you or be able to cum at all. He's simply showing his true colors (lazy, selfish, and inconsiderate) probably because he thinks he's reeled you in and he can get away with it. It's a huge red flag to me, and to you too hence why you feel so uncomfortable. A man who is a generous and good person is never selfish sexually. NEVER.
I just want to highlight some concerning things you've said. Let me know if I'm overblowing things, but it sounds like this guy is actively driving you crazy. >I've tried to explain it to him, but he thinks we just need to do it enough and then I can get there.
He ignores you, doesn't listen, doesn't change his behaviour, undervalues your input. Not to mention the incredibly misogynistic and, as another anon mentioned, pornsick view of female sexuality. >I would understand it if I'm disappointing in bed
You are desperate enough for an explanation that you try blaming yourself…>[he] won't tell me what I could do differently or what could make him want me more.
…which he then dismisses, as he does with all your suggestions. Yet he's still not doing anything to help the situation. >He clearly cares about me
But he won't cuddle with you, prefers masturbating, and apparently sees no issues leaving you sexually unsatisfied, except where it damages his ego. >it turns him off when I guide him.
Once again, ignoring your input and actively discouraging you from speaking up. >is [being too tired for sex] even normal for a 26 year old?
No. He's giving you the equivalent of "not tonight, I have a headache," but in this scenario he still gets to penetrate you for his own pleasure. >it doesn't make sense to me that he'd want to do it by himself in the shower after turning me down.
You can't understand because you're in a state of cognitive dissonance, unable to reconcile that he's not tired of sex, he's tired of you. >He can get vulnerable with me and talk about those issues, but he doesn't seem to do anything to try to work on them.
Major, major red flag. Not to catastrophize but he's showing you up front that he has no plans to change. If his trauma is so bad that he fears intimacy, is emotionally distant, and dismisses his partner's concerns, then he has no business being in a relationship at all.
Of course after the infatuation stage, love becomes a deliberate action and both members of the couple must purposely keep the "spark" alive. But if he's slipping into distant and selfish behaviour once the passion has naturally ended, that is his truest
state of being. How long have you been together? Have you ever thought about leaving him? Is your life deeply intertwined with this moid's?
Yeah it sounds like you need to fix him. No man is worth fixing.
Tell him you want to be intimate more often and want him to do other things during, he probably think you need to act like a pornstar and gets upset when you don't. It's unhealthy.
At first I thought he was sexually abused or something which would explain his fear of intimacy but since that's not the case, he's the one guilty.
Thank you for being so honest. Thanks to others who gave input on this as well. I have considered that I'm looking at things too blindly because deep down I know things aren't healthy and I probably should let him go before it becomes harder to break up. We've been dating for about three years, it's long distance at the moment. I almost agreed to come live with him and study where he lives now, but I wouldn't want to live with him. I guess that says something.. I think the biggest reason I've stayed with him is that I have no other close friends and this is my first long relationship. And I don't know how to end it because I don't have a clear reason for it in my head. What would I say to him? What would I say to others? If I say I feel unhappy he will convince me to stay by promising to become better. A year ago I nearly cheated because I thought I was ready to end it and I saw that as the easiest way to do it. But he doesn't deserve to be cheated on..
I will try to talk to him. Maybe he's considering breaking up as well, who knows.
It may take you several tries to leave for good, if that's what you decide. Above all, please prioritise yourself. I would normally recommend you confide in friends to have their support, but if you're not close with anyone then you might try family or anyone else who cares about you*. Hell, use LC to keep yourself accountable if you must.
*Your moid doesn't count. It's honestly sad how little he seems to care for your happiness after three years together.
I stayed in a toxic
relationship for 6 years. It was bad in the first few months and I should have left then. I fell for my own pity against him and he pulled the same shit on me, promising to be better, that things will be better etc. They weren't. I'm in a much better relationship now which is also 3 years long, and we constantly try to grow and listen to eachothers concerns.
You will know what a healthy relationship feels like eventually, especially after you compare it to this one you have now. It will be hard to leave but don't worry, time really does heal.
Anon you replied to here. I was thankful for your reply. Mentally I'm ready and eager to break up now. I no longer worry about lost future because I don't see it. I'm sad to say that the problem is that it wasn't only about me feeling bad about him. I've mentioned in my original post other problems:>I'm financially dependent>we have a dog together, we both love him though I'm convinced I do more since I'm always thinking about him, I NEVER scream at him when he does something annoying because he is a small furry baby, etc.>I'm scared he will go mental and hurt me or the dog (or steal it away)
I'm doing both of us a favour since it's a chance for him to become independent and get his mental issues in check as well as find a woman willing to fuck him. But I'm sure he will be destroyed since we planned a future together. I see that the future is fucking hell and I deserve better. I need to find a way of making a relatively safe exit. Any advice appreciated. IDK how I will continue lying to him, it's not what is right in my eyes but I cannot let him screw me over >>221054
If it helps, I've also been horrified of that and still may be in the future a bit. IDK about that since I gained perspective and self-esteem. I suddenly appreciate being my own person. Maybe because I'm 100 times more interesting and prettier than my bf, even if im not perfect.
Also my bf had 1000 chances to get better, at some point it's a choice. I've begged him so many times to get help, to be the person I need (a functioning adult, A MAN and not a child that I'm a mommy to and yet Im supposed to want to fuck).
>>222420>I've tried telling a psychiatrist but they either told me to go and get more surgery to fix my perceived flaws
What the actual fuck? >or be ok with myself I'm already conceived average and even pretty to some since I have people interested in me romantically.
Yeah, "just don't think about it"…
I think you need a good psychotherapist, anon. I don't know what exactly did you expect from a psychiatrist, don't they just prescribe medication? Either way, those that you've been to are morons, they should've referred you to a psychotherapist instead of saying stupid shit.
It sucks that your parents are like this. I know my words won't change anything, but the mere fact that someone gets interested in you shows that you're certainly not ugly. And of course you deserve love, in any case. I hope you'll manage to change this toxic
mindset that's been imposed on you by your narcissistic parents.
Thank you. My psychiatrist was a gay man who had some surgery himself so he probably wad biased and couldn't understand the beauty dilemma women face. My therapist was a woman and she wasn't as mean but still made me feel weird. She just told me I should use online dating apps and find someone which is honestly scary as hell. She even told me she could set me up w another client which made me wtf and stop seeing her. And I hadn't told her I wanted to date anyone, I told her I judt feel insecure about my looks sometimes. >>222426
The psychiatrist gave me basic anxiety medicine that didn't do much and said I could get the surgery if it bothers me even though I told him it was only other people telling me I should.
Like I've said above it was a gay man and it looked like he had had some plastic surgery himself so maybe he was biased. The second mental health professional I visited was actually a therapist who told me to try tinder and I stopped talking to her afterwards.
Thank you both for your sweet words. I know you don't need to be beautiful for someone to love you as most people are average and can find love just fine but my parents did kinda fuck me up.
I'm glad I was able to help, but even happier to see you've chosen to live your own life. The more you say about him, the more he seems like someone dragging you down. As for advice on getting away, seriously just search "how to leave an abusive
relationship." Even if you personally wouldn't classify it as abuse, this angle accounts for the financial dependency. Here's one I found for you:https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive
It won't be easy but it'll be worth it. Don't try to reason with him and don't listen to anything he says. He will promise to change— they always do— but he's lying.
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My boyfriend is moving overseas and we agreed to end it instead of trying to make an LDR work. We’ve just spent this weekend together and it was a great last hurrah. But now I’m getting emotional about him leaving and I’m so scared that my feelings are going to cloud up and ruin my memories like what’s happened after previous breakups. How do I keep from giving into bitterness and objectively remember all the good times we had together while also processing the grief of a breakup?
it has everything to do with it - the reply was encouraging the op to be bitter because he "could have made it work". that's a toxic
mindset that will do nothing good for the op, he did what was best for himself and adults know that love often isn't enough to keep a relationship together. "ldrs" aren't real relationships and other than that, no, there are not actually a million ways to make it work. the one way to "make it work" would have been expecting him to stay and abandon whatever opportunities he has overseas for op which is the "love over money" mindset i mentioned that's counter-productive for women to hold.
yeah yeah alright, have fun rolling in your piles of money rofl. normal couples make things work despite challenges, ambitious self-concerned people like you and OP's ex do what they want to do in their own favour. it's well within your right to do so, but don't pretend your mindset is somehow more "adult" or whatever you're trying to come across. show me your relationship track record nonnie
I agree with this. Sometimes distance just ain't worth it - doesn't mean it's anyone's fault.>>222575
and sometimes things are impossible to "make work" even for "normal couples" and trying to do so will be like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, will waste both of yours time and will probably end up making the break up a bitter one instead of an amicable one. knowing when to put your needs first and call it quits in a relationship is an important skill for every person >>222578
more like most of the advice here is reeking of immaturity and my "track record" as >>222575
worded it is that i have managed to maintain multiple serious, loving relationships at the same time while some of you can't keep one going so i think my perspective is going to be useful for balance. equating realism with bitterness and pessimism says more about you than me.
majority of the advice reeking of immaturity is all the more reason for me to post, i care about other women and want them to have fulfilling, mutually nurturing relationships so i try to give actually good advice>>222583
go have a meltdown cause your nigel liked a female friend's photo on instagram, why don't you>>222584
<3(don't use emojis/emoticons)
>>222585>i care about other women and want them to have fulfilling, mutually nurturing relationships so i try to give actually good advice
Your advice has been consistently shit and no one has ever agreed with you on a single point. You are delusional if you think anyone is listening to you.
PLEASE go find a forum where you are actually aceepted, maybe r/relationship_advice perhaps?
why would people want advice from someone who can offer an alternative perspective, prioritizes open healthy communication, honesty, boundaries and women's freedom to own their bodies and sexualities? geez, nonna, i don't know>>222588
redditards love acting like looking at another person while you're in a relationship is amount to abuse and spouting that "love should conquer all, if you wouldn't kill yourself for them, you don't love them!" bs mindset. many of you would feel right at home there.>>222589
wow anon you know me so well… do you think love can be born on the battlefield?
I hate reading your drivel so much. You are so smug and up yourself. You are so incredibly insufferable.
You are a fucking cow yourself.
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I'm so tired of seeing this mentally ill retard. I'm just…… so tired. It's been weeks. When will it end….
Break ups are really difficult, especially after you've been in a bad relationship, so it's expected that you're kind of a mess right now. I think one of your problems is that you've misunderstood your past therapist's advice. >Even if I got friends no friend wants to be a therapist and they shouldn’t have to because it’s not their responsibility
You can have friends and go to therapy simultaneously. In fact that's exactly what you should strive for. No one expects you to pick one or the other and, on top of that, no one should expect either to be a miracle cure. It sounds like you have incredibly low self-esteem, difficulties regulating emotion, and you've just had the life sucked out of you for years on end. Putting aside whatever awful childhood you probably had, codependency is traumatic. As you've suggested, professional help is in your best interest— and you should seek out someone who specialises in trauma.
And you need to be open with your therapist as well. Correct me if I'm wrong, but during the course of your relationship, you weren't able to be truthful with others, were you? Defend your ex all you want, but anyone who "said he wanted" to be in a codependent relationship certainly isn't the greatest catch. Point is, in toxic
relationships, things aren't going as well as the people involved make them out to be. Now you have the chance to tell the whole, ugly truth.
>I am a lonely wreck and I don’t know how to fix any of it.
You're not a problem to be fixed. You're just a person going through a difficult time, perhaps through a difficult life. If you are deliberate in your healing, you'll see progress. Take a deep breath. Schedule an appointment with someone you can talk to. And give yourself a break— these things take time.
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ayrt, I’m the one who decided to end things kek. We haven’t even been together for a year and while we’ve had fun we’re both still young and what we have isn’t worth getting into an LDR for. It’s a pattern for me to feel very bitter and rejected after a breakup (even the mutual ones) and I was asking for advice on how to not let my hurt feelings mess with my memories of a great last weekend together. Really didn’t think it was going to warrant the argument that followed. But thanks for trying to make me the angriest most jealous version of myself I could be, I guess? Also sage your shit. >>222546
This is a really sweet idea, what I really want to do is capture my feelings and memories right at this moment, and this seems like a great way to do it. Thank you and >>222565
for your sane advice lol
not sure about that, I've had long term relationships where the sex never got much better. also, some dicks just feel better than others>>222664
Think for me while emotional connection is an aspect of sexual compatibility, but sometimes it just seems like at random, I would have better sexual compatibility with someone. While it's not make or break for me, I do sometimes feel not 100% satisfied in a relationship even though I am being fulfilled emotionally if the sex isn't 100%.
Update: he turned out to be dismissive and tried pushing my boundaries. Also couldn't answer what he had in common with a 23 year old mentally, kept evading the question when I kept calling him out on it before he said he had no more romantic interest in me, ok. Also claimed his gfs were only 1-3 years +/- of his own age and claims that he will date a woman closer to 30 after I suggested it to him lol. I doubt any woman near 30 will put up with him but I digress.
Good learning experience of how pathetic men in my field are.
Wow so the cynical anons (myself included) were right. I'm glad you got out though.>>222817
Anon that's terrible. I don't have any advice unfortunately. He was trying to get you diagnosed as bipolar because you didn't feel like having sex sometimes? Wtf. He sounds abusive
. If you can maybe see a therapist anyway (not to get diagnosed, just to talk)
omg… speechless. what a horrible person. and no, it does not make you bipolar in the slightest. please do not contact him. take this break, enjoy it, and take care of yourself.
if you need help on why you shouldn't miss him, what helps me is to re-read conversations where they being cruel and hurtful, just to remind me to keep away. it really helps me. what you've experienced is appalling and so unbelievably unacceptable. i'm so sorry.
Thank god you reached out. This isn't really over, you know that right nonny
? He swung so hard into the 'I hate you, we're breaking up because you didn't self-diagnose with BPD' direction, that when the realisation of not having a woman to abuse anymore kicks in, he'll pivot back. You're going to experience something to the effect of 'Oh please get back together with me, I love you so much, remember the time we held hands on the beach? Our first kiss was on the bridge!' You'll be ambushed with this shortly. The most clean, effective strategy is block him for 6 months minimum. Full no contact. If you don't, be prepared for the worst, the texts and nudges you'll receive in various ways include: "I will kill myself in 3 hours if you don't respond to my last text", "You have no empathy and can't feel love", and, "I just want us to be happy, why do you not want a good life with me?" The first 30 characters of each of these texts will appear on your phone in the notifications and it'll push you to get back together because you actually have pity for him. He'll play on this, and you'll need 0 pity for him the whole way while he pesters you if you truly choose to not block him. Stay strong, regardless and once again, you are brave for reaching out.
You’ve never been in an emotionally abusive
relationship have you?
Economics. Just as scrote-y as STEM once you’re at the grad level— PhD candidates are all former math/CS majors.>>222825
Yeah it’s weird bc I could have sworn he WAS serious about me, asking if I wanted kids and then even discouraging me from doing a PhD (prob partially bc it’s inconvenient for him). He did treat me like he was considering me as his partner but later on when he was mad about me having boundaries or opinions it became clear that he didn’t actually see me as an equal which is sad because I’m a female graduate student, not some fucking mail order bride from a small village in Russia. What exactly did he expect? Mans needs to pull some 90 Day Fiancée shit soon unless he wants guaranteed autistic offspring. I wish I went off on him tbh.
consider yourself lucky then. borderlines are much much worse but bipolars are handful to deal with as well. "being better than the borderlines" is, after all, a very low bar to clear>>222864
the most suspicious part is the vague mention of "just being pushed to the limit". that's some classic self-justification and the omitting of what exactly that entailed makes me think it was omitted for a reason. the op should visit a specialist anyway just due to clearly having been in a shitty relationship that she needs to heal from. the specialist can then see if there's any truth to his words or if it was pure gaslighting. i wouldn't jump to immediately diagnosing her as not-bipolar just based on this brief, one-sided account. don't want to risk enabling any dangerous delusions.
Interesting. I got diagnosed with bipolar after years of thinking I have a regular depression…>according to people with bipolar, they never have bipolar and it's always people around them with bad intentions lying to them.
I know that it may prove your point, but I don't see myself in this at all. I eternally make excuses for others and let myself get treated badly since 'they didn't mean to hurt me, they are having difficult time' etc. Do you have any other bad experiences? I hope it's okay to ask, I want to see if I act in that way too.
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some of you nonnas are going to give yourself schizophrenia thinking that every person posting on here is me. i didn't give any advice to the anon dealing with the groomer coomer. if i had, i would have just said that the sad reality is every man out there watches porn and the ones who lie and say they don't are usually the worst coomers of all/most insane about sex (joe rogan nofap guys) unironicly, you're better of settling for a man who watches it without making it a huge part of his identity and trying to pill him about the exploitation in the industry. the men who are the loudest about not watching porn are hiding the worst skeletons. but there were enough other anons to point that out.
scanditard, you have proven yourself to be obsessed with the anons on this board, you give shit advice and you're really smug and up yourself. Any post from hereon in that reeks of smugness, I will automatically know its you. That is solidified to me.
You also cant stop stalking this thread even though you know you're not welcome. You're really creepy, obsessive and mean.
well here is your proof >>222927
, anon literally said her psychologist said she does not have bipolar and that her boyfriend is just a retard.
You clearly have never been in an abusive
relationship. The abuser makes you out to be crazy and makes you sound insane. However you seemed to think her ex is somehow telling the truth and that op is a liar. This is what abusers do, they confuse victims
and make their emotional, physical and mental health seem weak.
the ldr anon sure appreciated the advice. people who want advice will usually want to hear differing perspectives. people who immediately shoot those perspectives down by crying that they're "mean" and "bitter", never wanted advice in the first place, they wanted validation >>222961
and i love you too
Anon I have been in very similar shoes, I was in an abusive
relationship for years and I can tell that you are trying to look for something that went wrong in the event you posted about. You really didn't need to write out that whole post, your first post was enough to prove that he is abusing you. Its not about the event, its not about you either, its about him being full of trauma that hasn't been looked at, and wrecking you as a person and wrecking your relationship because he thinks thats how it works. Dont try to justify any of this to yourself, he is an abusive
dick and you need to just completely block him for good. With abusive
people its a cycle, they never leave unless you physically put up a wall in front of them.
>>222962>and i love you too
You see you don't even talk like users on this site. You're clearly a newfag from reddit and you're insanely up yourself a huge bully. You come here because you're fixated on the attention people give you even though you've been told to leave. You give off really strong abusive
Chances are he got together with another girl. I've had guys who were very interested in me drop me randomly and then I learnt they got a gf. Either that or he thought you weren't as interested or had personal/family/etc. Issues keeping him busy.
Give it some time. It's probably not something you did.
What are the odds he was one of the PUAs and all he needed from you is phone number to boost his ego, but otherwise he has too many phone numbers to care about keeping actual contact with you? Because that sounds fitting here.>>223052
Sounds painful anon, have you had a chance to had an open conversation about it? No beating around the bush, just "You're not putting enough effort into staying in touch with me and it's making me feel upset and insecure in this relationship". Only way to make LDR work is this kind of constant, conscious effort, otherwise it will fall apart. If you had (or will have) this kind of converstation and nothing changes, he's not worth your time.
Thank you nona. I didn't think about resources for abused women. I will call a 24/7 helpline to gain a better understanding of my choices. I feel bad since I'm not abused yet. The only "abuse" is him loudly (I bet neighbors could hear it) cursing at video games 5 cm away from me despite knowing how distressing that is to me (when I try to remind him in such cases, he tells me he doesn't give a fuck or for me to fuck off). Oh, and questioning my every move ("can you explain why did you move that milk carton to the table from the shelf?", "Can you give me a reason why you washed the dishes with the new dish soap when there is still some left in the old bottle?") and forbidding me to touch things in our flat (I was not allowed to do things like set up washing machine because I would do it "wrong", some things never got done for months because he forbid me yet didn't do them himself"). Again, I doubt all of this can be qualified as abuse.
I look at those miserable times and I know I have to find a way out. But I sob desperately when I think of how we promised each other to always be together. The safety meant so much to my mentally ill brain. We were codependent, I think. I'm heartbroken about having to backstab him and not being able to keep my word. I also cry when I think about the mere concept of always being together, like fictional stories of families or couples… Also the Adventure Time song about time, on the other side of the spectrum. It hurts so bad. I almost wish there was a way of saving us, but I know that there really isn't.
I'm scared that I may never find another person who will want to always be with me, or at least try to (I know it's not possible to make that promise and keep it).
Someone please beat some sense into me
First of all… that is abuse. Those are deliberate actions he uses to control, belittle, and upset you. Whether he considers them abusive
is beside the point; what matters is that he is in complete control of his actions. Nobody held him at gunpoint and forced him to yell in your ears, condescend you, and restrict your movement. That is not acceptable treatment from the one meant to love and cherish you. Just in general, if you're afraid to end a relationship for fear of your partner's retaliation, you are in an abusive
>I'm heartbroken about having to backstab him and not being able to keep my word.
This was one of the hardest thought patterns to break out of when I left my ex. I didn't want to be "just like everyone else" who left him before. I felt desperate to prove that I could love him no matter what he put me through. Obviously this is a disturbing mindset to be trapped in. What helped me the most was accepting that he never kept his promises to me— and in fact he went out of his way to lie to me and harm me. Therefore I no longer owed him anything. The contract had been nullified long before I ever made the decision to break up.
>I'm scared that I may never find another person who will want to always be with me
Anon that person is you. Cheesy I know, but you are the first person you can rely on. By definition you will always be there for yourself, and— even when it manifests in immature ways— you are committed to your own safety and happiness. Now is not even the time to consider dating and future romances. Right now you need to save your own life, get out of that miserable situation, and focus on creating the future you need.
Final notes: It's hard but it's worth it. My life immediately improved when I discovered a world without my ex. Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That.
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First of all, thank you again and sorry for clogging this thread. I'm afraid to post a detailed relationship rundown on another side because he may recognize it it it for some reason shows up on main page. He knows of lolcow (we live in tiny flat, I don't have to deliberately show it for him to notice) but I don't think he ever checks it. I'm scared of writing in my diary because I'm forgetful and I might leave it opened. Or what if he reads it?>Just in general, if you're afraid to end a relationship for fear of your partner's retaliation, you are in an abusive relationship.
This makes me think that I was abusing him too, maybe? Because I was so scared of him leaving me. IDK I may have given off the vibes that I would kill myself if he did. But I never said "don't leave me or you will have my blood on your hands" and I told him that I don't want him to stay just because he is afraid for me. If he wanted to end things, I would be heartbroken but absolutely let him leave without any threats or manipulative attempts to get him to stay. It's what happened years ago 2 very important people to me (the reason was my untreated mental illness, so same as him now lol).
I'm starting to understand that I love myself more than other people, by which I mean that I don't want or have to be dependent on men and ignore my boundaries to keep the relationship going. But I still need therapy for that (and million other things) and time alone to work on myself. >Anon that person is you. Cheesy I know, but you are the first person you can rely on. By definition you will always be there for yourself, and— even when it manifests in immature ways— you are committed to your own safety and happiness. Now is not even the time to consider dating and future romances.
You are 100% right. I genuinely cannot wait until I can focus on myself, even if it comes with fears that I will not make it because I'm isolated etc. (not his fault, it's hard for me to connect with people because of mental illness).
I kept thinking about picrel throughout the relationship, because he sure as hell wasn't (I know it's an unrealistic concept, but I started seeing qualities that I possess that he lacks – qualities that are important to me in a relationship). I've been concerned how no love song moves me and makes me think of him and how I can't "romanticise" our relationship. Then suddenly songs about break-ups and feeling trapped started speaking to me, especially those lyrics:>Why wait for the best when I could have you?>breakin' up slowly is a hard thing to do/It's hard to bе lonely, but it's the right thing to do>Final notes: It's hard but it's worth it. My life immediately improved when I discovered a world without my ex. Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That
Weirdly enough, I've read it years ago (so I don't remember all the details). But I didn't consider his behavior abuse because he isn't aggressive toward me and it's a result of his OCD (I know it's not a justification, especially since he's pretty much refusing to go to therapy by claiming he will do it when X etc). I just imagined abuse differently?
forgot to add - he comes from money which is nice.
I want to like him, but both comforting his anxious thoughts and ignoring the anxiety have the same result. he always says he's "working on it" when I ask how I can help him. makes me sad and frustrated.
tell him to not get into relationships until he's been on meds/ion therapy long enough that he can be an equal partner to someone and not a patient
you can't be seriously asking what to do with what seems like a barely functioning headcase you don't even really like
I guess I left a drinking glass on the bathroom counter, and my boyfriend knocked it into the sink. I was in the other room and heard him yell "why is there a fucking GLASS in here?" I asked him if everything was okay from where I was, and a minute later went to check on him when I didn't hear back.
He was fine, just sitting on the couch. I asked him what happened and if everything was okay again, and he just gave me the cold shoulder like he was obviously pissed off, didn't look at me and said "you need to pick up your glasses". I stood there for a minute expecting him to say something else, finally just told him "ok", and walked away.
it was a cheap glass that didn't even break nonnies. I would even understand being mad or frustrated if it had broken or he had gotten hurt but it was fine. should I really be groveling because I forgot to go back and get my glass after I got out of the shower?
I wanted to apologize but then realized I don't have anything to apologize for, it was barely a mistake. everything turned out fine. but I feel so sad and upset because it got me thinking about how this could be the rest of my life - getting treated like this whenever I do the slightest thing "wrong". I want a partner who, even if they're frustrated, takes a minute to calm down before talking to me to ensure they don't come at me with anger. why can't he just be gentle with me?
I hardly spoke to him the rest of the night. he could tell something was wrong but it was just too late and I was too tired to get into it. he tried buying me food today to make me feel better, is trying to talk to me again, but I'm still too upset to say anything.
it's such a tiny little incident but it has me evaluating my whole relationship
Oh girl… I've lived with this before. These type of men wont physically abuse you but they'll use their anger/aggression to scare you into tiptoeing around them. Even if he's completely happy-go-lucky most of the time, when they get pissed off it's like all the attention has to be on how pissed off he is. Small aggressions like shouting (at the scene of whatever made him angry), clenching his teeth, giving you the cold-shoulder, etc. and then instead of apologizing for the overdramatic outburst, he tries to act like everything is normal again or does a tiny favour the next day. Men who can't control their anger, no matter how mild it is, are the biggest waste of time.
Just responding with my experience, I obviously don't have full context of your life.
What he did was really rude anon, and I'd say if he's not normally like this maybe he's pissed off about something else and be irritated as a result by small things like breaking a glass. Best to ask him if everything is alright, and bring up after he's voiced his concerns that you're upset about him taking it out on you.
If this is a recurring thing though….. yeah no thanks. You do not want to have to live with someone who will take everything out on you when they're angry.
Yeah his response is emotionally abusive
dude (rage over inconsequential thing followed by stonewalling and lack of acknowledgement/apology). Especially if this is a pattern of behavior. I have the exact same experience as >>223392
many many women do. >I want a partner who, even if they're frustrated, takes a minute to calm down before talking to me to ensure they don't come at me with anger.
Yeah, 100% legit and healthy of you and your boyfriend is apparently incapable of that. If he genuinely wants to apologize at this point you can decide to give him another shot but let me just say, you aren't overreacting.
Guided meditation could be a good idea, I've used to treat it like an useless "try yoga and smiling more uwu" tier advice in the past but when I've started doing it, it actually helps.
Also, I don't know what are the things you've learned at therapy, but writing down your thoughts and feelings can help, especially with more effective and clear communication; I don't think you should always hold your tongue, and if it's possible to talk about whats bothering you with the person it's relating to, you should do it - calming down, writing about it to clear your thoughts will help with communicating it later.
Ah in that case meditation should really be good for you as well. As you've said you storm off and go to bed; for such intense anger moments my therapist recommended yelling into the pillow, bit retarded but definitely helps releasing some tension, and then you totally can try putting headphones on and doing some fast 10 minutes guided meditation session; it's also great practice for me when I feel some triggering
thought is about to mess things up for me, I do some breathing exercises and more often than not it helps managing it better; even if it just dissolves to sadness as opposed to anger it's still better than exploding, right?
I think it's a bit complicated, anon. In general if the reaction to your past trauma is affecting other person they don't have any moral obligation to accept it and I'd say in this case it is a high expectation of someone. This said, if your partner continues to stick around despite being annoyed and does nothing to help, this is not good for you. You've said that you're getting bad vibe from him, I think it's a good sign for you that it's you that maybe should initiate a break up and stick to it. You'll heal better by yourself than with person that makes you feel even worse for what already is painful.
As for good partners, I'm BPD with nothing but bad past experiences, although I'm in regular therapy and taking medication so I'm trying my best to become better, and I've been dating the most supportive, calm and understanding man for 4 years now. So it is possible to find a person like this, but I think it's rare. You're already doing a good job being upfront about your problems with this dude, just continue with that approach once you meet someone better and maybe consider some therapy too if you're not doing that already.
Like that other anon said, your partner doesn't have an obligation to stick around, but what will be left eventually? A partner who cares and loves you enough to help and support you as you strive to get better. Imo, sometimes these issues can be a good scrote filter because they show how he acts when his girlfriend is suffering or needs support. Can he empathize? Does he go out of his way for her? etc.
Trust me, there are men out there who are kind and patient. I'm a huge pain in the ass but my boyfriend has always been loving and understanding even though I have taken it out on him (I have depression I'm working on).
>been speaking to this guy since Xmas
>we text every day, consider each other friends
>hung out with him tonight, it's only the third time since we met
>i have plans to tell him how I feel about him right before I leave
>the moment arrives, my bus is coming close
>hug each other "goodbye", then conversation goes like so:
>"Hey, I like you a lot" - "Oh, that's great!" - "I mean, I like you, a lot"
>get on bus, ride home mentally replaying the moment in my head when I expressed my affections to him like a 3rd grader
>at home, get a text with him asking if I've arrived safe, with some other conversation after
>no mention of how he feels towards me
I take it he doesn't return the feeling? Did he just not hear me? I can tell he enjoys my company, and by what he tells me it's clear he thinks about me often, but why would his guard be so high? Is he obtuse on purpose or is he clueless?
I totally agree with you, but I think for now I would rather address the “seeing abuse as love” situation. I am very comfortable being alone, but unfortunately marriage is a goal for me and family is a big part of my culture. I think it’s okay to have that goal alongside my career goals and personal goals.
Those things happened when I was very young, like 17-20. I guess they really stupid out of context but it was more along the lines of, we felt a special bond and wanted to have a physical piece of one another. Idk why I’m explaining myself on lolcow dot com
I get that, i had that problem with my ex. However my ex was never fucking rude about my boundaries or trust issues when he was first courting me, he was a gentleman and very sweet.
So why the fuck is this moid getting literally angry at me when I barely know him? He got pissed at me when I said I don’t hug people that I don’t know very well. He asks about my history and then either makes some snarky remark like “that’s not THAT bad” or outright laughs at me. There’s like every red flag in the world on this man. I legit think he hates me because he’s so mean and is always using DARVO techniques against me. When I tell him about my past he doesn’t have an urge to protect me like my ex did, he seems like he’s unaffected or he wants me to suffer. I have no idea why he wants to date me then.
Anon how did you find a partner as someone with BPD? Do you guard your trauma and portray yourself as a woman who has always been treated well?
I have C-PTSD and quiet/self-destructive BPD. I’m going to therapy and not looking to date but I’m trying to be realistic when thinking about how much of my behavior I truly can change. I want to be a better partner but I also don’t want to let my guard down because there are evil moids in this world obviously.
Same anon, I wanna add that I’m not talking to him anymore. I tried to be his friend but the final straw (before I realized the DARVO and all the negging) was when I said something about my ex genuinely needing a therapist and he said “Lol here we go, men are oppressors and women are victims
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That's not very young at all, anon.
>>223856>Anon how did you find a partner as someone with BPD?
In the hypomania stage ofc, when I get a particularly long one my retarded brain becomes genuinely convinced I'm a normal person now&forever, so it's not so much a conscious effort to portray myself as good, I really am the best version of myself for the time being. But even with this I was open about my issues pretty early on in relationship - maybe not outright saying hi I'm bipolar but explaining past traumas, depressive episodes etc, that allows to weed out people who are 100% not willing to deal with this kind of thing, and thankfully my partner was willing. I'm also in therapy for years slowly getting better at communicating and managing my emotions; and I get mood stabilizing medications, which matters a lot if you want to keep a relationship, striving to become the best you can be even when depressive episode comes.
In general there's a lot of stigma about people suffering from BPD, and it's very easy to feel hopeless about ever being good enough for a relationship even if you really want one, but a bipolar person that is putting constant, conscious effort to be better and manage their emotions can be a much better partner than countless people out there who are sociopaths or narcissists or just poorly adjusted socially, when you think about it. So it's totally doable. It's inspiring and helpful to read what actual therapists and psychiatrists have to say about dealing with BPD, there's ton of advice for both bipolar people and their partners, so trying to find materials like that may help you a lot. I would have some recommendations but all the best ones I got for myself are unfortunately in polish, so if you are by some slim chance polish as well I'll be happy to share, otherwise I'm sure you can find a lot of resource by yourself too.
To be honest, I don't even know how to start this post kek.
My boyfriend is in a different city where his childhood home is, and was in some old friend's birthday party getting drunk and all that jazz. Appareantly they discussed some guy who had four 16 year old girlfriends simultaneously, and it escalated into discussing how having a 16 year old girlfriend would be "kinda rad". I wasn't present and my boyfriend told this to me over text, while he was still in the party. He didn't comment that did he say anything during the discussion and to be quite frank, I don't want to know.
And this brings me to the question: what the fuck I'm going to do? I don't want to meet his friends now, and I don't think I want to date him after hearing that. He's otherwise a really good guy, listens to my radfem spergs, doesn't force himself onto me and showers me with love. But if he hangs out with people like that, he's bound to think and act like his friends as well. I answered his posts' about that discussion with just "ew" and started ignoring him to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do, and now he's sadposting about how I hate him etc. He's never done this before nor has exhibited this kind of manipulative behaviour and he's drunk, but this just feels like a red flag. We have dated just a shy of year, so maybe his real personality is starting to peek? I've been "my Nigel wouldn't never do that!" kind of gal but now I'm hoping that I would've been born as a lesbian and not a het woman.
Sorry if my post is shitty, I'm drunk as well kek
You never mentioned how old you and he are. Did you purposefully leave that out? Considering how immature a 16 year old girl is, the fact that he’d even entertain
the thought of a child for a gf says everything. You know it’s wrong, end it.
My bf and I were serious porn addicts when we first met, as we got into the internet very early. As time went on we both helped eachother by simply discussing 'why' we watch it in the first place. Turns out my bf realised he was groomed at 13 by online predators who insisted he watch porn etc and I was dating a 24 year old online at age 14 (who I met on fucking omegle) who convinced me to do abhorrent things. Porn addiction is no joke, and I feel as though people today have boomer logic about it and assume everyone should be ignored or discarded if they mention that they have this addiction. I would feel awful if I was guilted about it all the time, but because I am a woman my friends always said its 'fine' if I watched it, but it wasn't fine, my mind was destroyed by it for years. I opened up to my ultra feminist friend about our addictions and she actually admitted to having a porn addiction for many years too to my surprise. I suggest having long discussions about it, and trying to find the root cause and actually seeing why he wants to watch it in the first place. Does he have friends who keep promoting it to him? The key is to see if he puts your concerns and your love before this addiction. If he is willing to change his ways, then good. If he is too far into the rabbit hole and he is clouded too much by Big Porn, then it's probably a lost cause. Anyone can change, anyone can carry sorrow with them. It's a matter of if they're willing to do better for the betterment of your relationship. We've been porn free for around 2 years now and we feel great, very embarrassed about our pasts but in a much better place.
Thank you for this thoughtful response. Him and I also explored the internet too much at too young of an age. I had trouble with our initial conversation about it, had to sleep early and have been dwelling on it and acting a bit cold towards him since. Him admitting his issue was a good first step. I will try to get to the root of why porn still takes up such a big role in his life and try to
see what can be done. Wish me luck!
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ok so i was at this party with a man im interested in. i partly invited him to help me feel more comfortable at this party because theres another man who always hits on me, flirts incessantly, and dominates my conversations with other men. despite me having clearly expressed i dont like him that way. i wanted to enjoy the party and hang out and meet other people and not have to be on my guard so much.
my moid has something of mine in his car and i walk out to go get it with him hoping to get a goodbye conversation. this other guy has already insisted on walking to my car so we all three walk out together. its very awkward. to try to shake this guy off i tell him im going to get something from my moids car. he refuses to compute. this king walks me to my moids car and successfully makes it so awkward that i cant really say a long goodbye to him
im slightly irritated at my moid for not appropriately processing that the moid who walked out with us was really interfering. and he couldve given me a hug to claim me as his or something?? piss on me? idk. not really sure what the next chapter of this contains since we all run in the same social circles. my moid would probably get his ass kicked by the other but id be lying if i wouldnt enjoy seeing them throw down fight club style
being mean to men is so easy. why are you holding back? the only 2 reasons women pussy out of being mean to them is 1) fear of danger (valid
) and 2) they don't want the man to stop giving them positive attention
agree with >>224068
, for the other anon to shill to people that a relationship has 'run its course' means this person has no idea what a long term relationship looks like and has no idea how to actually put in effort into love. Fairytale endings don't exist, you aren't going to meet someone who makes your life feel like a carnival every day.>a positive spin is that it means you now know each other well enough to feel comfortable around each other.
exactly this. when my bf and I became more serious and comfortable with eachother we actually made the conscious effort to set up date nights and gaming nights. Being in the serious phase of your relationship is great if your partner is willing to keep working on themselves.
The grass is always greener.
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My relationship is becoming a trainwreck and I'm pissed at my in-laws. They admitted doing a lousy job raising my boyfriend, but they keep on fucking him up. My boyfriend was born in the US, but his parents are from a 3rd world country just like me. They dragged him here twice, but now they left him behind because they won't pay for his education in the US, but want him to have a bachelor's degree whatsoever. Because they would move abroad like crazy, my bf got fucked up in the head and developed anxiety disorder. But once again their parents are neglecting him pretending everything will be just fine after they left. All they care about is money. The dude has been lashing out on me because he hates it here, after all, no one would be happy living in a forsaken hell hole like this place. He is becoming depressed as he fails to understand why his family left him and won't let him join them. I've been trying to help and remember why he's here for, but I'm also very underwhelmed. Before all this happened, our relationship was very healthy. We're trying to work things out, however, I feel like his parents failed us both. Even though I like my in-laws, I wish I could throw them both in the nearest airlock. Btw, I would appreciate opinions or ideas to try and salvage my relationship. I love my bf just as much he loves me, so I don't want this to end due to the situation we are in.
"my boyfriend lashes out at me but it's justified because mommy and daddy don't hug him enough" this is like step 1 of making excuses for abusive
moids. he's a grown adult, he should work on solving his issues like one. don't baby him.
I agree with you, I don't think it's justified. I stand up for myself whenever that happens, he started to acknowledge how upsetting and trashy that is.>>224120
I'm not talking about hugs and kisses, nonna, let alone excusing his behaviour. I expect him to change, but I don't know how this is gonna happen all of a sudden. He's still young, and young moids take forever to mature. I take it his parents should be here to guide and reprimand him when necessary to help in the process, since all they ever did was spoil him. I don't know, I might be wrong, but that's how I see it. >>224124
It seems to be very complicated indeed! I don't claim to know how it is since I've never been there myself, that's why I'm trying to be understanding and supportive. It's been taking a toll on both of us, yeah. He's off to the US visiting his parents, but we already planned a few outdoor activities around our city. We want to travel, but I'm worried about the increasing cases of covid-19. >>224126
His family never gave him incentive to go to therapy until a few years ago claiming it was a girly thing/waste of time. I've been trying to convince him otherwise, but I guess we have a long way to go. At least he agreed to see a neurologist to undergo treatment with meds for the GAD.
saying a relationship is dead because it moved past the initial unsustainable high is so immature, it's mind-boggling that a real person even thinks this way. people are not toys you just angrily throw at the wall once they don't amuse you as they did once. again, by your definition of a dead relationship, all relationships die after a while. i don't need to "push shit as normal" because it's already normal, no relationship is the same after, say, a couple of years of staying together as it was in month one. and that's not a bad thing unless you're addicted to new relationship energy and chasing the high over and over again which is just a sign of immaturity.>It's NOT right to feel so unsatisfied and discontent that you need to post here about it.
she isn't miserable, this is just her first relationship and she has never experienced the maturing of a relationship before. and you're trying to set her up for never being happy in a stable adult relationship, this is downright toxic
it could go either way tbh. only OP would know.
people absolutely do self-delude themselves with dead relationships, shitty SOs etc. just look at this thread.
This is definitely a complicated and upsetting situation. My first question would be why does SHE want kids? Does it go beyond "everyone else has them" or "I want someone to take care of me when I'm old"? I'm assuming she hasn't been pushing this issue for your entire relationship, so what could be driving this sudden change of priorities? Maybe there's something else going on with her that she thinks having children will solve.
It sucks but honestly if you can't reconcile your differences, I'd say you should break up. It's not as simple as one person wanting to live in the countryside and the other in the city. This idecision impacts innocent lives (the potential kids) so it'd be awful if you "compromised" in the same way that your mom did.
I've personally always been of the opinion that when one half of a couple desperately wants kids (I can't tell from your post if this is true for your partner or not) and the other desperately doesn't, the only right choice is a split. Because one of you is inevitably going to resent the other for not getting what she wants, kids are not something you can compromise on. I think your partner is right for desiring and pursuing non-single mother parenthood. Sure, she may end up a single mother after all but it's still a reasonable goal.
>I thought it was so stupid, pile driving an otherwise great relationship because she maybe wants kids in 3 years time.
Don't you feel that's risky tho? If she decides in three years time she definitely wants kids after all and definitely doesn't want to be a single mom and you end up splitting, that's an extra 3 year loss on your side. You're gambling with your time.
>>224140>I am willing to compromise like, I will support her but I don’t want to be a primary caregiver and I don’t want my name on birth certificate etc.
this would be a terrible approach. can you imagine being a kid and having one parent and one "parent" who doesn't really care to be around you and doesn't act like a parent? it's also unrealistic - kids are a LOT of work and the current "two parents, no additional help" model already leaves a lot of kids neglected. it takes a village and all. there will absolutely be times where you not wanting to act as a caregiver even though you'd theoretically have the time/be available is going to be bad for the kid and drive a wedge between the two of you. this is not to try and concine you to be a parent - your reasons for not wanting to be are more than valid
and i wish more people who don't feel equipped to have kids and don't have the desire to would choose that option instead of automatically having them because "that's what you're supposed to do". that is to say this is not a healthy compromise. and if your partner does truly feel like she wants kids (whther she really truly does is definitely something that needs to be discussed more, preferrably with a professional as the third party mediator) then breaking up would not be "pile driving an otherwise great relationship" - wanting kids and not wanting them is an irreconcilable difference. it's a very common reason to break up and if you want different things in that regard then the relationship isn't "great" anymore. and even if she only wants them in a few years time, i don't see what would be the reason to prolong thins - now THAT would be dragging out a dead relationship. breaking up would only give you more time and freedom to find actually compatible people and you could break up amicably instead of feeling like you're wasting each other's time.
Thank you anons for the thoughtful responses, I appreciate it.
Phoneposting at work so I will try and answer as best I can.
Her reasons for suddenly wanting kids she claims arent
that she is surrounded by friends and family with young kids but I feel like that it the reason. She said yesterday she sees how I am with her nephew and friends kids and how fun I am and how much they love me and she thinks I would be a great parent. Maybe I am good with kids but this is because we give them back after babysitting- it doesn’t affect my life or time like having my own would.
To the anon that asked about my sport- I play soccer competitively and hope to play a few more seasons before retiring and then after that I hope to coach locally. I also run cross country which has huge training loads.
To the anon that suggested compromising by being only partially “there” is a terrible idea. I guess I agree. I think it would only breed resentment.
I just feel stuck because we are in love and I don’t want to break up over this but I know it’s such a big thing.
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He literally sends “I love you” to his middle school gf nonny
. Fucking dump.
Way to misunderstand what I said. Most relationships fail because most people are fickle and only give a shit about the novelty of the relationship instead of the actual person. It's more immature to try to build a relationship out of something unsustainable like that, than to just call it a day and find someone who doesn't feel like a chore to be with. Relationships are supposed to be natural. The so-called "work" comes naturally because both parties want to have the best relationship possible and neither has to be persuaded or cajoled into sustaining it. Too many people who aren't compatible try to stay together because they invested time in them and are too lazy/scared to look for someone who they're more compatible with. When you're with someone who is right for you, even years later you are happy to be with them. There's no doubting the relationship or their love for you. People hold onto things their entire lives and never get bored of them (hobbies, friends, vocations), why do you think relationships should be different? Is it because you've settled and are trying to push that cope as a healthy adult relationship? It's way more toxic
to make that anon stay in a relationship that will make her unhappy down the line, especially so early on.
Why do you assume she's unhappy, or that she will be? She never said as much. You are so odd nonnie
, you're obviously a hardcore cynic when it comes to these things yet also have some weird romanticizing of how relationships are. No honeymoon period lasts forever, and it's not a bad thing for them to end.
It just simply means both parties have settled into the relationship and have grown fully accustomed to each other. There is no synonym there for unhappiness unless the relationship was on shaky ground to begin with.
You tell us about things he is doing, but what are you doing? Keeping a relationship going has to be mutual effort. You can totally fall out of love just being complacent yourself, even if he keeps on trying his best.
Very good idea is to start dating - meaning, organize dates as if it's just a beginning of a relationship. Plan a dinner in a restaurant, go for a romantic getaway together, really put effort into thinking up something fun for you two, get dressed nicely, just like it's a fresh crush, that could help a lot.
Seems like maybe there are unresolved issues you haven't discussed with him properly. I remember feeling this way a few years into my relationship, and just like you nothing was wrong, but the more I thought about it the more I realised I just simply hadn't let out a lot of past feelings I had about the relationship or problems with our pasts that I just really needed to discuss. Once we spent a lot of time fleshing everything out and as the other anon said, setting up dates and actually spending time together other than at home, I started to fall in love again. It was a different love this time, a much more comfortable love.
Holidays help too I suppose, getting away from the monotony of life can be beneficial to both parties and just letting off some steam at a place you wouldn't usually go.
There could be other factors however, maybe you actually like problematic
traits in men? lmao. Maybe he's not of a 'bad boy' enough? Either way, don't let movies feed you this idea that love is always rose petals on the bed 24/7, there's nothing wrong with simply enjoying being cosy together. Good luck anon
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My oldest sister is getting married in a few months and the more time goes on the more jealous and inadequate I feel. She and her fiancé have been together since college, he’s basically been a part of the family since I was 14, and their main friend group from college are still together. Meanwhile I’m 22, never had a bf, constantly getting involved in friend groups that fall apart, and always feel like I’m too intense or weird and scare people off. I’m so happy for my sister but every time someone posts in the bridesmaids gc about what cool thoughtful thing they’ve organised for the bachelorette party, I hurt knowing that I’ll probably never have the same done for me. It’s crazy too because I’ve spent time with her and her friends and know that mentally they’re all still invested in college drama and not as happy and successful as I think they are, but even then I still can’t get over how much she’s outpacing me, even considering the age difference. How do I overcome these feelings of inadequacy and just be happy for my sister and BIL-to-be?
I need to vent somewhere. I'm so fed up at this point and I'm not even sure I love my boyfriend anymore or just stay because I'm comfortable.
In short, he's incredibly selfish. More often than not I don't even feel like his girlfriend, because of how he treats me once we aren't together. He's essentially given up. He rarely includes me in his life, rarely talks about what he's doing, rarely talks about his hobbies. (Hell he won't even allow me to talk with his online friends, I'm not allowed to be involved with them period.) Maybe once a week he'll ACTUALLY talk to me and the rest is just empty nothing-ness or replying to what I share. He never keeps me in the loop, ever. I was trying to have a serious discussion with him and he decides to go offline for the last 5 hours and it's now 3AM. I feel like he hasn't tried in months and he just blames ME for our problems, meanwhile he rarely puts effort in other than allowing me to come over once a week (twice if I'm lucky ladies! Because I have to be lucky to see my own boyfriend multiple times a week!)
I feel lost. Like I WANT to leave and everyone agrees I should, but I can't. I'm so attached and every day just hurts and I feel so pathetic and unloved 6/7 days of the week. I just want to be with someone who can say they love me and mean it, not say they love me and then treat me like a FWB. He does so little but thinks he does so much and I've lost all hope he can change. Thank you for the vent space, my friends are tired of listening to me and I can't confront him with my feelings anymore without it turning into a fight.
It honestly is, it's really hard and I can't even bring up my issues with him anymore. I've tried so many times and it always turns into "It's all your fault, you're the problem. Somethings wrong with you."
I feel like I only stay because a small piece of me hopes he can change, but then he proves time and time again he won't. I don't even know what it will take anymore for me to finally give up.
You can either leave him or play mind games. Behave like him:
>don't message him back fast, wait a few hours, if you give him the typical good morning and good night message, STOP IT>be vague about what you are doing! i.e. if you have social media, post a picture of you all dressed up, he WILL get interested in what you are doing, just make something up>say NO to him! if he wants you to come over, even if it hurts, tell him NO, because you already have friends coming over or something, again, just make something up>when you are with him, tell your friends to message you often, go on your phone and smile, he will get interested in who is texting you
DO NOT INITIATE SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS!
It might take a few days, because in the beginning he is happy you are finally stopping "harassing" him, but men are all the same. He will start missing your clinginess and you.
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kind of curious to see how this plays out
. Don't let him guilt you for his non-existent hygiene (and don't put up with it either). Do you know what has caused him to be like this?
Honestly probably going to try the petty route. We had plans for tomorrow so I'll probably keep them, give him the best day, and then give up and let him pull the weight of the relationship.
I'll keep y'all updated but don't hold high hopes, he loves when we barely interact.
This is genuinely the dumbest poast I have ever read in my entire life.
Just dump him and cut off any and all forms of contact for good. There's literally
nothing else to be done.
How are you trying to roast and not even get the word "post" right. Fat Finger Bitch. She can play some tricks on him before she leaves, just to gain some self confidence back. >>224817
I would cancel tomorrow tbh, as a warning sign and punishment for going offline when you wanted to talk. You are in control now.
Thank you anon and I wish I had answers for why I do. I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic so I guess I just expected us to be perfect, and even with all the issues it's hard to accept that the relationship can't be saved.>>224839
Honestly you're the only person who's said we're good together so, cheers mate.
that's more than a red flag - he tricked you into a relationship under false pretenses hoping he'd get you to change your mind and do what he wants. it's sad that we have to resort
to that with moids but given how manipuative they are i think the trick is to always ask their opinions on stuff that matters to you and make sure you give them as little to work with as possible. if a man knows you don't want children and don't like marriage, he can just nod and go along with it to get you into bed. if you just ask "do you see yourself getting married one day?" that puts the spotlight on him and if he manages to independently say he doesn't and give logical reasons as to why, e.g. that it's an oudated show of posession, he might be worthwhile (though still needs further vetoing ofc)
There's a lot of great advice in >>224905
You should also have a frank discussion about what will happen if you break up. Who moves, who stays, and how you choose to divide your things. Being able to have a mature discussion about this is not pessimistic; it is a good chance to be sure they are looking to act in good faith, even if things don't work out.
I don't know how much you believe in attachment styles nonnie
but this really sounds like a classic avoidant/anxious dynamic. These two attachment types feed off each other constantly and it's the perfect concoction for toxic
relationships. I suggest you look into it.
what "meme"? you sound like the kind of pick me who constantly makes psas about how male mental health is just oh so important and men's feelings are valid
!!!! crying simply because your girlfriend doesn't feel about you the same way she did on day one of your relationship is absolutely an indicator of either emotional instability/immaturity or manipulation, get real(infighting)
“The person I love doesnt love me anymore and I feel heartbroken” yeah pathetic crying over pain, huh?
Some of you are truly psychotic people.
you're a fucking psycho. crying because your significant other doesn't love you anymore is completely valid
, crying for pretty much any emotional reason is valid
, no matter your gender. how many personality disorders do you have?
Wtf you’re both completely obsessed with pickmes. I just respect any human being that deserves respect.
Considering that he might be manipulating her is completely different from saying that a man that cries is unattractive and unacceptable or that just displaying human emotion is immature. I was not even replaying to OP, I don’t know OP or her bf. You shouldn’t be with someone out of pity regardless, there’s no crying that will make you fall in love again, but if crying is enough to make you fall out of love you don’t deserve anyone loving you.
Scanditard be like "i hate men", "Im poly and only my way is the good way", "everyone is dumb but me!!!"
Please ignore scanditard
i mean you said it yourself - they imposed the stigma upon themselves. if some women don't like men crying or find it actively unattractive, they shouldn't force themselves to change their feelings just to help lessen a stigma they had nothing to do with in the first place. that's men's own issue to take care of.>>225023
what she said wasn't extreme at all - she clearly still cares about him but her feelings aren't as strong and she doesn't feel the spark anymore. this could very well just be a normal part of a relationship maturing. but he's taking it to mean she doesn't love him at all and having pity parties about it. i'd be really shocked if he's even pulling his weight to reignite that spark and not just self-pitying. and in the case that this is something more serious and she's just not into him at all anymore, breaking up would actually be good for them and they could both move on and find people they could be happy with. so his reason for crying is either that his girlfriend simply doesn't have day one butterflies around him anymore or an attempt to keep someone who isn't into him anymore tethered to him so yeah it is pathetic.>>225047
what the fuck are you doing on this board if you take issue with someone hating men?
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sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, sometimes they get with other men. there's a million ways to do this and it depends on the person>>225054
are you seriously going to pretend the abolition of marriage and monogamy is not a well-documented topic in feminist literature? tell me how i know you've never engaged with feminsit thought outside of social media. here's a hint: pic related
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Received some reports that a lil’ missus that goes by the name of “Scantiard” is disrupting the general peace of the most neurotic and wretched board on earth, /g/. Now I’m going to have to ask the missus to politely come out, now, we don’t want to cause a scene. Come on ladies, don’t cause too much of a ruckus fighting about fat cunts!
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Anyone here saying that women find men crying unattractive haven’t seen the rami malek crying posting in /m/
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Woohoo scanditard is back to preach the good word of hating all our boyfriends and becoming sexually liberated by having sex with everyone!!
The more and more I see blogs by this bitch the more I just want to get married in a church and have 10 babies out of spite. can't wait for her to unpack this one and give me a blog about my internalised misogyny
(Also why be on a board on relationship advice when you hate women being in relationships with men anyway and are just constantly telling them to leave?)
>>225162>hating all our boyfriends
what a reductive way of seeing things. being a woman in a relationship with a man is a labor. women are taken for granted, abused and manipulated by otherwise "loving" men all the time and it's so normalized that no one including the women even notices it. encouraging women to be more critical and look out for their best interests is not telling them to "hate their boyfriends", you sound like one of those women who say they don't need feminism because the men in their lives are the Good Ones. the mindset that men as a class are bad but "not my nigel, he would never do that!" is dangerous for women to have.>>225164>Everything you discuss goes all the way back to the Frankfurt School
or uh you know, queer feminists (fun fact, check out some stats of how many lgbt people have stated they are/were in non-monogamous relationships), indigenous feminists, leftist feminists (engels himself wrote about this). you don't have to like it but it's ridiculous to be so afraid of non-monogamy that you refuse to even engage with a long tradition of anti-monogamy, anti-institution of marriage, anti-nuclear family feminism.>>225170>you're just a hoe.
wow between you and the "fat cunt" anon i can see we have some serious feminists here!>If you truly hated monogamy you wouldn't be using it as a talking point to justify sleeping with other people. You'd fight it in its own way
my personal relationship decisions are not me "fighting monogamy", you made that one up. that's me not wanting to follow a relationship model that's inherently violent against women. it's a personl choice that no one HAS to make. my actual ways of fighting it include things like discussions with other women, being involved in feminist groups and being engaged in work that helps women who experienced domestic abuse (wanna know how many of those who come in were abused out of jealousy or using infidelity as an excuse?). what "other ways" do you, the feminist scholar who calls other women hoes, suggest?
I think what I hate the most about Scanditard is how she makes many of you behave. >>225074
is right, men expect you to baby them when they're sad but they will never do the same for you, they'll just call you hysterical or ignore you because "they're bad with emotions". Yet we have anons here defending the poor men and now even some talk about how it's bad to hate men. Ffs, stop letting your hatred of this tard work you into defending scrotes.
Your bf will never>think this much about you>want to make things easier for you>change himself for you>care this much about your relationship at all, except where it concerns him getting what he wants exactly when he wants it
He also will not stop abusing you and most likely will get worse. Please don't blame yourself for his bad behaviour. No matter how perfect you are, it will never be enough for him. You cannot fix him.
It's already bad enough that you recognise his abuse but still try to salvage things. I was in a position just like yours for years and it nearly killed me. Get out before it gets worse.
I have examples, if you really want. I try to avoid the word abuse (imo it's a bit extreme to say that) but anytime I talk to my friends that's what they call it.
Most recently, he stopped talking to me for the day because I was being "negative" and he didn't want to hear that "shit" and I should deal with it myself and never bring up my issues to him. (The issue I brought up was about how I feel like he's very secretive about his life online and I wanted to know more about it.)
It's not my first and I'm not very young (25). It's my first serious relationship in my 20s though, for sure.
I would say codependent is pretty spot on. I can leave pretty easily, but if I do that I lose my best and realistically only friend so it doesn't feel worth it. Which, honestly, I feel like a lot of our fights stem from the fact I AM too attached and I rely on him too much for everything and he can't accommodate that constantly.
When things are good, they're really good. When things are bad, they're really bad. So part of me hopes that there's some way to fix the issues and mend things so it can be good 100% of the time.
I’ve been in that exact situation and it’s better to just cut your losses now and leave. Saw this Reddit post (I know I know) when I was struggling to leave a shitty abusive
relationship and it just clicked for me. Now I am with a great guy who loves me and would never think about doing anything to hurt me. The difference is night and day. You don’t deserve a shit sándwich Nonnie
and you know that deep inside.
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Forgot to attach pic
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>>225211>how do you calm down
You can’t “calm down” when someone is abusing you, unless you’re willing to get drunk and do drugs every day and ruin your life further. Fucking leave.
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Aaand the slow replies from his side are starting. I honestly don't get men… He was super enthusiastic after the dates, texting me long paragraphs all the time for about three weeks. Now it's taking him hours to reply.
Why is it that once I start to care they always start playing shitty games? Nothing really changed about my replies I think? Maybe I'm a tiniest bit more enthusiastic? I don't think he managed to meet someone else in these three days. It's just something in their head.
I hate how when I don't give a shit, they're really into me and they only start ghosting when I start to feel something. This has happened like four times in row to me and it hurts a lot. I'm gonna be afraid to like or show just a tiny bit that I like anyone at this rate.
One day you will meet the guy with whom everything will be effortless and who wants to talk to you as much as you want to talk to him. You just haven't found the right one yet, nonnie
. Don't waste your time on people who don't reciprocate your feelings. I hope you find the right one soon!
I agree with >>225621
You said he was a great guy, so he should be understanding about your reservations.
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would it be cruel to reject my boyfriend's marriage proposal if he proposes to me without an engagement ring?
don't play dumb, you know that's not what she meant. if your man needs to be told an engagement requires a ring, he's a toddler not ready for marriage.>>225673>It's more to do with men being autistic and not knowing what women expect of them.
great, so just keep on enabling them
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You'd think so, but it's not the reality. For us my boyfriend always said he would get me a ring, even tho it's not traditional to do so in my country (we don't really do engagement rings only wedding bands). But I have several friends from the US who did not get a ring because their boyfriends thought "oh I thought you wouldn't want that" because they were such cool girls and never wore jewelry anyways.
Reddit is fucking full of women who have been given hideous rings or "homemade" rings that look like shit. Because men don't know what women like, especially if you never wear jewlery. It's just such a naive and romanticized way of thinking. You should at least have a convsersation about what you like and show him some examples. Otherwise good luck, you will just have to pretend to like it for the rest of your life I guess, lol.
Preach, sister! I wish I knew all this before I went through an explosive break up with my bf of six years. I'm better off w/out him, I have so much time for everything, I am working on myself and taking care of my elderly mother. To any anons who might read this and are doubting the future of their relationship, it's true that if you go 5+ years w/out him proposing, the relationship is shit. So I would add to what you said: if you(as a woman) have to drop hints about a ring and it's still not happening - either the ring itself or the proposal itself - maybe he simply does not want to marry you. Why is he stringing you along, then? Well, in my case, I think it was b/c he hoped someone better might come along…which is a woman's way of thinking, not a man's. Men know what they want, and if they want to marry you, or put an effort into buying the best ring they can afford, they will, indeed.
Men aren't mind readers, it's true, but how come other men are able to buy perfectly nice engagement rings, while others have every excuse for why they couldn't? It's because they wouldn't, that's why…
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Lol what a huge waste that would be.. you still wear your engagement ring after you're married. Most get a matching wedding band. Mine are both platinum and the wedding band is very simple with no decorations. I only wear the engagement ring when going out tho, I'm afraid to scratch it while wearing it around the house doing chores.
The weird thing is that he dressed fine when we started dating, so it's not a matter of what he owns. When I mentioned it nicely to him, he said "sure, you're the one that has to look at me", but nothing changed. He's unmedicated for ADHD which I think is contributing. >>225721
How should I word it?
Should I break up with my boyfriend?
I'm on the fence, —on one hand, he's caring, sweet, generous, and doesn't mind me sperging about my hatred for males. We're also good friends and have good chemistry. On the other hand, a break up seems imminent: we don't talk as much, we don't do stuff together, we argue more, we don't have intimacy as often and it isn't as good.
We're in a LDR and he doesn't seem too invested in come see me. He has valid reasons as to why he can't come, but he doesn't seem upset about it, while I've been crying my heart out. He's only "upset that I'm upset", what does that even mean?
I know no one else will ever have the patience and unconditional love this man has for me. I hate men, and I'm not open to dating them again if I break up with my current partner. Most men are simply disgusting and not worth the trouble, but I have a soft spot for this one since he has cared for me greatly.
It's just one of those things. If we can't move in together soon, our relationship is going to go sour due to the distance, we both understand that. I guess it's on me to make the call, if we should split because it will never work and I'm unsatisfied with not seeing each other, or if I should stay because we love each other.
Again, he's not doing anything bad, he's just not as good. Us not doing things together is greatly my fault, but us not being able to talk more is 100% his. I don't feel as loved as I used to, although I don't think he's cheating, he just seems depressed or burned out.
His depression might even be my fault, I get mad at him quite often, yet he keeps forgiving me immediately. I don't mean to be cruel to him, I just have this constant fog in my brain that doesn't let me think straight. There's so much going on in my head. It's not a excuse, but it is a reason.
I used to imagine us together and it was enough to keep me going, now I doubt we will ever live together. In fact, sometimes I feel grossed out by the idea of it. Sharing a bed, sex, just being around another human being… it's all gross.
Sounds like he doesn't have much passion for you. Even though he cares about you, he can do without you and doesn't have a strong longing to be with you. I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend and he comes to visit me every month. He doesn't make excuses, but he does make the time and sets aside money so he can see me. This is the bare fucking minimum. And if he can't even be bothered to talk to you or spend time with you, that is even worse. Just fucking leave. Just because he tolerates you getting mad at him doesn't mean shit. Whenever the other party isn't enthusiastic take the goddamn hint. he is not interested or invested in you.>>225739>>225744
Yes, he clearly doesn't give a shit about being with her, so the answer is for to force herself on him! That will surely not backfire and make her completely miserable! If he wanted to be with her, she wouldn't be here wondering and confused. Please never give advice again.
We can't be together right now. We just can't. I don't want to vent every problem in my life that makes it difficult. None of you NEED to understand it, because it's not relevant to this post, it's outside of both of our controls. Not everyone can drop everything and elope, not all of us are rich and even if I'm a neet it doesn't mean I don't have any ties or issues to leave my place.>>225750>>225740´
But nothing out of this is true. Why do you assume he doesn't want to see me or care about me? That's how I feel because I'm mentally ill, but it doesn't reflect the reality of the situation. We already call for hours everyday, but he's busy and can't talk as often as he used to, when he'd be available to babysit me all day long. He can't come fucking see me, and I'm pissed about him NOT BEING AS UPSET AS I AM, not about the fact he can't come because I know that's no one's fault. I just don't know what we're doing. I'm just bored of not being able to see him and he knows this but it's fucking helpless. We love each other so much and I'm upset we can't make it work because our lives suck. Stop saying cruel shit like "he doesn't care about you" what the fuck do you know about us? It wasn't the point of the post to figure out how he feels about me, I already know how he feels, I'm just trying to see if it's worth waiting when the situation sucks so hard.
You're the one saying you can't imagine living together. kek
I'm in a LDR too, and I'm working on moving to his house this year. I can't wait and I know this is what I want.
Break up with your scrote because your entire situation looks bleek.
I never said I didn't see myself living with HIM, I don't see myself living with ANYONE because I'm mentally ill
It is very much true for the vast majority of men. Outliers of course exist, especially those who like to have their butts plundered.>>225761>>225768>>225770
Damn, can't imagine why he doesn't text you back.
It just seems like you're incompatible, some women really need that quality time and more constant assurance of love, other women would simply be fine having both be independent in a relationship. I'm sure you both love eachother, but your love 'styles' just don't fit. >I have talked to him about this
You can't really change his personality if he is more reserved, especially because you've already brought it up to him. So it's best for you to either put up with this and feel incomplete or cut your losses and search for a man who is more compatible to you.
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It really was kekekek
I've had a similar experience to you and I eventually broke up with him because I realised I had too much to deal with in my head about the abusive
relationship and not enough time on my own to really be able to figure it out. I'd suggest rethinking this a little bit, and although he might not stick around until you're healed you'll likely be happier in the long run if you take some time to and for yourself to really process everything that happened so you can go into the next one at least understanding things that could potentially trigger
(i hate that word but it fits) you.
Working all this out with a partner does take its toll on them too. So just be aware I guess?
Why do you think those 2 things cannot coexist? You are right that I need to think about my feelings, but I'm torn apart by losing him. I remembered how much I love him in that moment. It's just horrifying to imagine the days, months and years without each other.
Our relationship could have been much, much better. But it's insufferable to lose a man who is like family to you. I wish we could fix everything and start over
I'm thinking of going to a couple's therapist since I've read that it can help you out deal with yourself and future partners even if it won't save the relationship.
A huge part of the problem is my lack of sexual desire which has disappeared some time after we've started being together. A lot of saving of our relationship would depend on him trying and making serious changes, which Im gonna communicate asap. We don't have a chance otherwise. I'm torn between no longer wanting to deal with his bullshit and genuinely feeling distressed about losing him. I don't know how people can break up when there is mutual love, it just kills me. I've been thinking of moving out and seeing how we feel about each other then, but even imagining that makes me want to cry.
>>225942>I have a strong feeling that these issues you refuse to mention on his end are irreparable because he's a selfish shithead, as is the case with most scrotes, and you're just scared of being alone.
You may be right, though from my side I do genuinely love him. I've been fantasizing about living alone, meeting new people etc. then it hit me what I will lose. Either way, I need to work this situation out - if not with him, then with myself so I can accept whatever needs to be done. Every time I lost someone that I loved, it's been a horrifying trauma to me. I almost would prefer to die than go through this again.
I do know that we cannot live our lives like this, which is something. Even if I still have no idea how to survive a breakup with someone that I love.>inb4 therapy
Yeah I'm going to group one and looking forward to individual meetings since I'm not sure this one is working for me. I will try to put in effort despite that.
>>225946>I've been fantasizing about living alone, meeting new people etc.
Yep, I figured. Honestly anon if you're already feeling this way then it probably is time for you to move on, especially when he's shown he's not willing to step it up. I do understand your pain athough, it's hard as hell to move on when you care about someone but they're unwilling or unable to put in the effort for you. I have been in a similar situation and all I can say is that you should try to realize leaving will be the best thing not only for you but him as well. With men especially, if they're not choosing to improve within the relationship then the only way they may have a chance to turn things around is if they experience real consequences (losing you). At that point he either realizes what he's lost and does a 180 or else he never improves, but either way at least you clearly know where he stands and can move on accordingly. As for you, I know it's cliche but try to stay in the present moment and focus on those good things you'll gain (more autonomy, freedom to do whatever you want, less stress from crap he put you through, opportunities for new experiences and people) versus the loss only. It's okay and normal to be sad, just try not to let it overwhelm you. Time apart really does heal. I'm glad you're looking for support in therapy, having someone to help sort through your thoughts is always helpful. >>225948
Maybe a bit codependent, but I don't think she's insane. At least she realizes the relationship is not working and she needs extra help to let go.
>>225948>Yeah you sound insane
I get codependent since I have realized that it's another of my problems, but isn't insane (which I understand as completely delusional) a bit harsh? I get that it would be based if I was 100% on board with dumping him, but it's very difficult for me emotionally and I'm trying to work through that. At this point I have at least accepted that something has to change one way or another. >>225950
I'm so sorry that you've been going through this as well, it feels like living hell. I will get support from my friends and family, but it never feels enough when you are losing someone who was your rock.>As for you, I know it's cliche but try to stay in the present moment and focus on those good things you'll gain (more autonomy, freedom to do whatever you want, less stress from crap he put you through, opportunities for new experiences and people) versus the loss only.
I will keep that in mind once the other shoe drops. I'm very thankful for you being compassionate to me.>Time apart really does heal
Maybe here's my supposed insanity showing, but every time I'm going through something like that, even the positive thought is hurting so much. I cannot accept the idea of life, even a better one, where the person no longer matters. At the same time, I wish I had your wisdom and outlook on life internalized. I probably wouldn't be in this situation right now.>>225951
Sometimes I want to just give up when I think of how many things I should/am going to therapy for. The list just keeps getting longer the more self-awareness I gain. I don't know how come I was allowed to grow into such a profoundly broken individual. The warning signs were obvious, but got brushed off as me being an annoying teen. Don't get me wrong, I am aware it's all on me to fix myself. I'm still completely overwhelmed by the depth of my mental issues. Sometimes it feels like giving up would be easier than trying to untangle all that mess.
Nonna, there's so much clearly going on in your head, group therapy can help with addressing some obvious patterns and teaching general coping strategies but you really-really need to find someone good to do a deep dive into what's really going on there and why; whole relationship problem aside. Don't give up if you don't "click" with the first therapist you try, though I really hope you won't have to search much.
From my perspective, I went through breakup with a person I couldn't imagine life without, took me 5 years to even start moving on properly, it seemed unimaginable I ever will be able to stop caring even when I was happier with other people. But eventually I moved on completely. Even if it takes what feels like forever, it will happen, and is worth the effort.
Fingers crossed for you, hope you'll find a way to feel safer and calmer, whether it's going to be in relationship or not.
I find it funny when a person can get that from a few posts while closed ones pretended they didn't see. Kek
I've been going to a therapist for over a year but it ended up being a big loss of money. I probably should have decided after 3 visits to drop her, but I felt okay with her contrary to a previous one so I stayed. Im in group therapy because it's basically free. I could get a national healthcare solo therapy too, but in 4 years or so. Kek.
When I go back to job, I will find a new personal therapist.>From my perspective, I went through breakup with a person I couldn't imagine life without, took me 5 years to even start moving on properly, it seemed unimaginable I ever will be able to stop caring even when I was happier with other people. But eventually I moved on completely. Even if it takes what feels like forever, it will happen, and is worth the effort.
Holy shit I'm so sorry. It's both uplifting and depressing that you were able to move on, but that you still care. If I may ask, which one of you initiated the break-up?
I hope you are truly happy now ♥
I can relate to your therapy experience too, one of my therapist was a really nice person and I felt comfortable talking with her but there was no progress and it took me months and a lot of money lost to notice that. But now you're this one experience more wiser and it will be easier to make the choice in the future; I don't know how much you looked into different types of therapy but if you didn't maybe you could start with reading and picking something that seems like best approach for you. Free group therapy is waaay better than nothing so I'm glad you have that at least for the time being. Actually maybe a person in charge of this could help you finding a good individual therapy in the future? They probably have some good idea about what kind of person you are so should be able to guide you in the right direction.>If I may ask, which one of you initiated the break-up?
I didn't have the guts to do it so it was my exes decision, but at the time I knew for a while it has to happen, so I think it's not that different from your situation. But don't let it demotivate you or anything; however your situation develops I hope you're happy. I've ended up doing ok so there's hope!
That is very possible because I also feel that way about him. He does listen and reply properly though, I guess 'low energy' would be better description than uninterested. At the end of every date he says he enjoyed it a lot and he'd message me how he hopes I enjoyed it as well and plans meeting up again right away. He couldn't have actually enjoyed it. It was boring as shit.
I'll see him one or two more times but if it's still the same I'll drop him. I'll keep your advice in mind, thanks nona.
So in October I left my boyfriend of five years and got into a fwb situation with this guy I'll call A. I became fully obsessed with him, told him I liked him multiple times, did a lot of degen sexual shit with him including a threesome (barely, other dude just watched pretty much, too drunk to get it up).
He made it very clear that he was not interested in a relationship with me from the very beginning, but despite knowing that I was very much into him and had caught feelings, continued to keep in contact with me, without trying to hook up or even meet up at all.
I also fucked around with another guy after he basically told me to try others to get over him, but he then showed signs of jealousy?
About a week ago I had a full on meltdown(not the first) because I thought he was leaving me on read. He told me that I needed to chill the fuck out basically, and that he would include me more in his life if I gave him some space (ouch). I texted him back that I would not bother him anymore and that he was free to contact me whenever.
He has texted me twice since then, once to ask me if I've been in the snow (we got a ton of snow, pretty rare for our country) and once to send me a tiktok that might have been insulting or cute depending on context, his English is pretty limited and I'm not sure how he interpreted it. Both times I was responsive but did not try to continue a conversation.
Yesterday night he hang out with his long time crash at his house and they both uploaded stories to insta of him playing guitar, while they cuddled on his bed. That girl is a literal 10/10 and an actual angel, she had already rejected him once so I'm not sure what changed her mind, but whatever. This is obviously my sign to move on, he was stringing me along not even for sex which would be terrible but understandable, but because he wanted me to be into him to feed his ego.
I don't even feel played because I let this happen, but how the fuck can my pride even recover from that? I feel like nothing. This is the first guy I ever put myself out there for like that and now not only did I humiliate myself but he got everything he wanted.
I never should have fucked with him in the first place, I was fresh out of a long term relationship and out of practice with moid tactics. So I'm basically asking, where do I go from here? How can I recover from total humiliation?
He is not even cute. 5'7", almost 30, lives with his mom, alcoholic (actually for real, not in a cute teehee way), works part time as a delivery driver. And I trashed myself completely for him.
>>226846>but how the fuck can my pride even recover from that?
It'll recover when you ignore him and some time in the future when the Stacy is done with him, he'll text you and you'll leave him on read. Happens every time. Might take a month, might take a year or two.
At least you learned something. It's controversial but I will always say FWB are detrimental to women because we naturally attach during intimacy and men don't. Even the biggest slut I know gets frazzled and feels like shit when he doesn't text her after. The best way to handle things like a boss when out of a relationship or heartbroken is to ignore males and go full separatist, get your shit together, and ease into vetting men back into your life, on your terms, and make them show intention and commitment before you let them in.
PS, don't worry about that crush of his, the pretty ones save us from ourselves sometimes. He will be discarded.
I agree there are very very rare men out there who have decided to stop watching porn at some point in their lives but this>be very clear about your stance early into dating.
Is a bad idea. It will lend itself to anon getting lied to and used. A better method is to act cool/neutral about porn use and typically they will tell on themselves and spill all their degeneracy without you even having to ask. But say "I'm not into porn" and every man will agree with you to get laid then go beat off to pixels when you're not around.
but if you wait for them to tell on themselves you risk wasting time and potentially getting emotionally invested in someone who gets off on the exploitation of women. there's kinda no winning here.
for the op: okcupid has some questions related to porn though you are right in that most men will "at best" choose the "some pornography is degrading, some isn't" option. the app is also mostly used by weebs and polycucks, at least in my area.
I've always been afraid to voice this opinion on the site, but I agree with you though anon. I've seen it in my own life lol>>226883
agreed, op just seemed like they wanted to angry vent rather than actually seek advice
There are billions of people on this earth. You have such a self-defeating attitude.>>226884
That doesn't solve the base problem, that he will choose to watch women being exploited if he has the chance to.
I plan on ignoring all moids at least until the summer, cooming is overrated and I need to wean myself off external validation anyway. My best friend and I are planning to rent a hotel room on Valentine's day and watch movies, order pizzas, drink wine, and have a splendid male-free time.
As for A, he's a dog, I have no doubt he'll be back eventually even if he and Stacy do end up dating. I considered blocking him everywhere but leaving him on read will sting more, thanks anon.