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Get amazing advice from fellow farmers, or just vent your relationship feels.
The only thing that matters is if you guys are compatible and that he's not a minor now.
You only come across a limited number of people you can love, and it would be supremely wasteful to let someone go because they are a different age.
I'm an old hag that's loved and fucked guys a decade in both directions and I cringe to think that I might have let either of them go because I was afraid of age gaps.
It's not that
bad of a difference… My bf is 23 and I'm 25, which, sure, isn't anything special but I get such extreme reactions when I tell people that I'm older because 1) he looks older than me, 2) I have a vagina and 3) I'm not into older dudes because they tend to give the relationship a weird power dynamic/vibe and I'm not into that.
He's okay with you cheating which doesn't make him a gentleman at all, especially considering the fact that he's his 'friend'. Also, consider that your bf is the one who takes care of your kid and everything because he loves you (presumably) and Guy is only there for a fun fling, especially since he doesn't even expect you to leave his 'friend' for him, effectively cucking (sorry) your bf.
He is no friend and he is no gentleman.
girl. stop. STOP. Like yesterday. There's a reason why you feel like shit, and guilty. You know what you're doing is wrong. It's normal for a lot of people to get crushes, but what you have to do is make a conscious effort NOT to feed it, okay? Cut this person out, or if that's impossible, avoid him as much as you can. Focus on your partner and doing things with him.
Also stop with the "I should probably kill myself to keep from hurting anyone" there's a much easier way to keep from hurting anyone, it's called stop what you're doing.
We tend to get in these "I am bad and should punish myself for it" loops when we don't actually want to stop what we're doing, but need to let the guilt manifest somehow. Be aware of that and nip it too.
Did both of you miss the part where she said it's the first time she's been happy in 5 years? We don't know anything about the dynamic she has with her current bf. He could be a completely toxic influence in her life for all we know. Because of this, we also don't know whether or not the friend is necessarily a worse alternative.
I don't condone cheating of any kind, but I do know that it doesn't typically happen in healthy relationships where both parties are on the same page and communicating effectively.>>70456>I should probably just kill myself to keep from hurting anyone
OP, this is seriously scary to read considering you have a child. You desperately need to get it together and start acting like an adult. Essentially, you have two choices here. Stop fucking around on your boyfriend and go to couples counseling, so that whatever issue(s) have lead you to consider cheating can be resolved, or end the relationship, period.
You don't have to hurt anyone. You are consciously making that decision by engaging in this emotional affair. In addition to hurting your boyfriend and (potentially) his friend, you are also hurting yourself by getting into this negative thought cycle of believing you have no control over your own actions.
you sound like you don't know very much. op is probaby 'happy' because it's something new, this is how everyone is. relationships get boring and stale and being content doesn't mean being happy. you too are judging her situation by assuming their relationship is toxic.
also, don't encourage her shit by acknowledging her attention whoring about killing herself.
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Anyone ever have a bf with a slight drinking problem?
He works at a bar and there's a fuckton of drama right now between one of the co-owners and a female coworker (who desperately needs to be fired but none of the guys will bc she's their 'friend'). When bf drinks, he takes a lot of his frustration and anger out on me. Like not directly at me, but he's still raving and yelling and throwing shit in my presence. Sometimes I really feel like saying idgaf, it's your problem, and if it gets bad enough leave.
Bf moderately drinks every day, like 1-4 beers. But some days after work or inventory he decides to go to the craft tavern next door to his own tavern and slam down a few more.
Just today I stayed home from work and planned on making a really elaborate Korean dinner. Seriously, this shit takes like two hours. And I was waiting for bf to get out of work so we could go buy the ingredients. He calls me at 4pm, tells me he's drinking a bit but should be home soon.
Wellllll, come 5:50pm I have to call him and tell him to come home already. He doesn't drive so he walks. The second he gets home he stumbles into the front door area and I can tell he's tipsy. I decide to walk to the store instead of drive us. He makes an embarrassing scene in front of a barbecue restaurant he has a vendetta against (literally yelled "FUCKIN CLOSE ALREADY" when we passed it). And in the asian store he kept bumping into me and singing really obnoxious songs. Like, I was already pissed at him for being late. Him trying to be 'cute' was having the opposite effect. I just wanted things to be quiet and he was being so loud and stupid.
On the way back I got visibly pissy from the obnoxiousness and so then he starts sulking and trying to appeal to me. He's like "Well I can help you cook anon" No. No he fucking can't help me cook. He sucks at cooking #1. #2, he's inebriated. He'll do shit wrong and fuck it up. He knows I'll say no, don't help, so he can act like he offered and wash himself clean of the situation.
Hell when we got back inside I asked for the "Steamer" which is our metal pot in our pantry, so he tries looking for the plastic basket that goes into our rice cooker in the cabinet. Bc he literally doesn't understand what needs to be done for the recipe and the plastic basket was way out in left field.
Then of course the drunk work tirade ensues.
We're already over it as far as he's concerned. I'm just sick of having to deal with this every time he has an extra drink. Not trying to take away his freedums, but he's so annoying when he gets this way. Like babysitting a teen.
I'm 23 and with a guy who's 33. Age doesn't bother me at all, but one thing I find difficult is comparing our careers.
He's very accomplished in his field, and I've only just finished university and have been working for less than a year now. I know it's ridiculous to compare us, and I'd never bring it up, but I want him to feel proud of what I've done like I do with him.
Anybody else measure aspects of their life to their so?
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Finally. I've been asking here how he is in the sack for YEARS
You know he's had a thread here right? I was a big fan at first but it really ended for me when I paid 12 dollars to listen to him wine about women on KSTV
Accidentally posted in wrong thread and can't paste on phone so
My post is >>70535
I agree with >>70554
. You shouldn't have to send him nudes unless you really want to. Especially in the age where sending nudes can risk your reputation and can be spread to other people if your relationship ever goes south. I don't understand why these anons think you need to compromise yourself because your military bf has "needs."
The fuck cares? How many other guys who are deployed force their wives and girlfriends to do lewd shit? What guy can't just find a porn magazine, or get off from previous memories with you? Couldn't he just do a live cam chat with you?
You do you anon, but god damn these other anons give such shit advice.
i think you're onto something tbh its probably sam himself. he randomly met up with the rapper Bones and did a shirt collab with him recently. i know Bones is a fan of sam, but it was just really random and sudden like you'd expect them to never meet up and the only reason they did was so sam could gain exposure and get more of a following via Bones's fans. i know sam used to post pics of himself on fa too so he deffo lurks still
sage for ot
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. Compare the post you typed up about worrying about his well being and missing him to his COMPLAINTS of, "lol can't get my dick wet :( send me more nudes babe". You clearly weren't even close to thinking, "ugh i miss his dick im mad i cant fap to him anymore i should complain to him about it" when he left but obviously he has ulterior thoughts in mind than what you're worrying about. He sounds like an absolute wanker and I would drop his ass. Sending nudes to anyone is a horrible idea, but it's just 1 million times worse when you're the one sending them and not even enjoying it. Seriously, find a better guy, anon. Not saying this in a demeaning way, but you sound like you're wearing rose tinted glasses and can't see past him if you think you're in love with this jackass. He should be more empathetic and worried about you all the same as you are worried about him. Doesn't matter who's the one that's deployed, you guys are still in an ldr and not being in the army/marines doesn't exempt YOU from being in harm's way equally.
Do most people really get upset about sending their bf nudes like this?
I love exchanging naked pictures with my SO, it's great when we're apart and want to maintain a sexual aspect of our relationship. And it's nice to know your partner is getting off to you.
Not to mention OP never never said anything about not wanting to send the pictures? She only said that she was struggling with ideas.
>>70601>Do most people really get upset about sending their bf nudes like this?
My bf of three years has never asked me for them, probably because he sees me nude in the house all the time. Either way, nudes are a horrible idea.
I had an ex who flipped shit when I broke up with him, and threatened that if
I had sent him nudes, he would've posted them on 4chan and all over the internet as revenge.
I even have an ex from 2010 who I let photograph me in a lewd outfit, and every now and then the little creep likes to remind me how he still has them.
Men should not be trusted with shit like that. If they really respect you they wouldn't ask you to do something that is exploitable and could potentially leave you vulnerable. Not a good idea.
This post is correct.
The guy's an absolute shithead, pressuring his gf while she's worried about him and guilting her into sending her nudes because he needs it for his poor little dick. It's pathetic, and he'll eventually go apeshit some day and do something drastic with them. OP should get out of that shit now and save herself from that waste of time.
And people who are saying “but he’s her bf, he has neeeedddssss” are idiots.>bf asks for bjs>decline because not comfortable with idea>bf forces me to, holding head down on dick despite my protests>let’s him do this repeatedly because I think bf has needs and it’s my duty to fulfil them whether I want to or not>doesn’t think a boyfriend can sexually abuse a gf because of the labels >has fucked me up about sex to this day
I can agree to an extent that you do need to be understanding of your bf and gfs needs, however
if it is involving something you’re uncomfortable with, than your bf needs to understand that. When it comes to sexual needs that’s a huge conversation that needs to happen and there needs to be a lot of understanding and agreements on both ends. Forcing yourself to do something you’re uncomfortable with can fuck you up, especially when it’s something as vulnerable as sending nudes. Just because one anon is comfortable enough to send a nude doesn’t mean that the one asking for advice should be too.
I’m sorry to speg but I just hate the “he has needs” excuse. We all have needs, and we all have limitations.
This a good reason on its own. I was okay with sending my ex some slightly suggestive pics, but after that he started constantly pressuring me to get completely naked, send more pictures, and masturbate on cam for him. Later on I found out that he posted my butt online along with pics of other girls.
After that, I wouldn't trust any guy that asked me for nudes as far I can throw him. The normalization of revenge porn just confirms my doubts. You could also bet your ass that the women who get exposed are being blamed for sending them in the first place by the people exploiting her.
Guys are also just unbelievably whiny about this shit. I once knew a guy who threatened to kill himself because the girl refused to send nudes.
I like hanging out with him and he's funny.>>70510
Yeah, he has weird opinions on feminism. He thinks it's too "utopian", lol. What the hell is that infographic though?>>70513
Is this something to lose a friendship over? My friend say he was uncomfortable talking to me because of it.
it's a hassle trying to reply to all anons on mobile so apologies for not getting everyone. >>70554>>70567>>70584
lol no it's not like that anons!! we had sex so frequently that it's sorta hard on both of us, i guess you could say: i don't masturbate often, and he rarely did either. besides, it was an offhand comment he made during a sex related conversation and I took it upon myself to send more bc i genuinely don't mind, it's just i am not great at being sexy. i don't even own lingerie lmao.
he tries to keep the conversation as light as possible so I don't freak out. it was never in a, "send nudes i need to nut ," manner, more like "lol i ran out of fap material, wtf am i gonna do now." he never asks for nudes cuz i told him from the jump i don't send any. the only thing he's asked me to do was download my fave porn and email it to him but that didn't work out at all.>>70567
unfortunately he doesn't have a laptop cuz he never had the use for one lol, all he pays attention to electronic wise is his xbox. the camera on his phone is beyond shattered so I can barely see his face when we do video chat. i told him to buy one so we could Skype but I don't think he realized what else we could do on Skype besides talk.>>70601
it's just never been anything of interest to me. i don't get off/turned on by them at all tbh, but if he does the goal has been accomplished.
today i woke up to, "going beyond the wire today." it's been nothing but stress, my stomach hurts.
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>>70692>it's a "h-hes not that bad I swear" post
also>he watches porn
I mean, I do but I also have bad general anxiety and also relationship anxiety lmao. I find I’m a hypochondriac but I’m my relationship, a friend of mine recently dumped her bf because she was interested in someone else and I spent the whole week worrying about what if I get interested in someone else and need to break up??
thank god my boyfriend has the most patience out of anyone I know. As long as you can distinguish your thoughts as irrational/intrusive it can reallllly help put an end to them. I used to be far worse than I am now before a therapist helped me with distinguishing those types of thoughts
everyone assumed he was coercing or requesting nudes while being dismissive of my feelings but that's not the case. it's truly of my own volition.
the video i intended to send was amateur/homemade, idk what he watches now that I think about it.
I posted this in the other advice thread, but it might be more approprate to post it here.
So, my older sister left a long-term abusive relationship over a year ago in which she had two kids from. She's been living at home ever since (as do I), and I recommended checking out OkCupid as I met my current boyfriend of two years off there. She's been using the site since August or so, went on a few dates, and a little over a month ago seems to have met a guy she really likes. Problem is, when I met the guy I got some bad vibes from him. He was speaking to her child WAY too sternly, like he's their actual father. It's kind of hard to explain, but it put me off a lot. He was raising his voice in an annoyed tone essentially. Keep in mind, they'd only gone on their first date maybe 2-3 weeks prior. Speaking of their first date, he met my parents and grandmother on the FIRST date. She invited him, which is another level of weird, but I still can't imagine any normal person wanting to meet family that quickly. Anyway, just today I found out from my mother that he's "hinted at a ring" and that it's secret. She seems fine with it as my whole family seems charmed by him, but seriously, what the FUCK? They've only known of eachother's existence for MAYBE two months and he already wants to propose?
Anyway, I'm really worried about her kids. Judging by how fast he's trying to progress things it wouldn't be surprising if he turns out to also be abusive. Should I try talking to my other family members to find out what they think? I don't want to confront her directly because she'd probably start a fight in result. I'm just really worried and stressed.
I have no idea why they assumed so much, a lot of it sounds like projection, like>She clearly stated she was having trouble recording which means she's uncomfortable with it.
Which is just retarded, you only said it wouldn't be an interesting watch. Lol. Nothing you said made me think he coerced you or you were uncomfortable, I'm sorry anons jumped on you and your bf.
Hope he's well and that things between you two stay good!
apparently everyone here is very against sending nudes, which I can understand to a degree, but I never got the feeling that you felt coerced. It can be pretty fun to exchange these images when you miss your partner and want to feel that sexual connection!
As far as ideas, honestly try going to porn sites and looking for cellphone/selfie/amateur pics. Should give you some posing ideas. Make sure to keep identifying features out of the pic and don't show your full face.
Yeah, it can be totally awkward at first but once you guys get into the swing of things it can be great. I actually started getting really into taking pics for my boyfriend when we were long distance, it can end up being pretty arousing
Your sister wants to get married I guess, she's not interested in men who aren't serious about commitment from the get-go, who often appear a bit more strange.
Be a good Aunt though anon.>>70552
Nudes within a proper relationship aren't bad. It's not the same as girls who spam them to randoms on discord or whatever.
If he's caught with it open but refusing to talk about it and blaming you for making it awkward when you bring it up in a non-judgmental way then he sounds really immature. If he's just going to carry on denying and hiding it because he doesn't want to have the fetish or can't bring himself to talk to you, then he needs to actually stop or at least hide it properly. Leaving weird porn open and denying it is such a cliche creepy uncle move and would make anyone uncomfortable.
Ot but your post has my kind of initials typo'd in it, so on first reading I thought I was going crazy
Yeah I’m sorry about that every so often if I have a typo my phone changes it to those two initials even though I didn’t k ow anyone with those intitals.
But yeah I agree it’s creepy mush but also bothers me because I want to be supportive and talk to him about it because he obviously has shame about it, and feels it’s wrong but won’t talk to me about it even when I offer to engage in fetish play with him to be fair and open he just gets upset and won’t talk and we end up fighting. Thanks for the advice because I’ll probably mention what was said here to him. Thank you.
You probably will have already thought this, but I just wanted to suggest that if you bring any of this stuff up, it's next best not mention that you posted here since he's been so defensive. Maybe even bring up an example of something that you're ashamed of (even if nonsexual) but have talked through or are open to talking through so that he doesn't feel like the only deviant
You sound really supportive anon, I hope he can open up because it would be his loss to shut you out
Oh yeah I didn’t plan on telling him I asked the internet for help. I meant that as like I’d bring up some of the ideas and points said here. I guess this biggest think here for me is that the fetish does make me uncomfortable because I have been sexually assulted in the past and one of the assaults was by a male gynecologist. I’ve talked to him about this and I’m sure that’s added to his shame. I’ve tried reassuring him and he’s told me in the past he wanted to “get over it” but I don’t think that’s possible with fetishes I guess unless you really try or something..??
It’s difficukt because we’re weee each other’s first and I love him to death, but it’s seems like porn and stories from his friends about their sex lives have completed screwed with the sexual part of our relationship expectation wise.
Shows how tired of me 'whinging alot over thing which you can ignore',but in my situation ( and with destroyed nervous system ) I can't do that at all. And he knows about it. We never really talk anymore and he doesn't care about it,and the only thing which he usually cries about is the fact that I'm not lewd at all lately, which means I'm boring to talk to.
I don'feel comfortable around him at all and keep thinking that it's all my fault and how bad I am,but I also think that I should just leave him, tho I keep thinking that 'he is actually a good person, look, he says how cute I am' which is not happening everyday, obvi.
Ditch the guy that asking you to be too close too soon. You feel it not the right time for you, which is most important. This anon confirms it is also objectively too soon. Bad vibes. State what you feel - no. Reject him. Clearly and finally.
Then see what you're going to do with your bf.
>>71110>Also, how do you differentiate codependency from love?>I can't imagine life without him.>My boyfriend and I have been together for most of college (3 and a half years).
See, everyone, literally everyone, goes through a sort of an identity crisis when they get out of their first serious relationship. By having this experience, you learn the boundaries and overlaps of self and unity. This is a confusing but necessary experience, which you will learn from.
Internet armchair psychologists with a degree from Pulledoutaamyass University have potential labels and diagnosis ready for everything they don't know shit about and they spew them everywhere. Don't even entertain the thought of you having "codependency" or some such shit without a professional.
Forget that bollocks. You're a young woman learning about the world. The more you act, the less you'll doubt. Trial and error.
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Sorry in advance for the TL;DR. This is really dumb and I know I'm being over the top but I need to vent somewhere. I really hope this is the right thread.
Some time ago, I went and did the thing that no girl should ever do. I snooped, and found things that have me all kinds of fucked up. (Yes, it was porn, and yes I am being a dramatic bitch.) At first, it was a semi-accident. To keep a long story short, he gave me access (phone, laptop) to some of his things before completely clearing them (I'm not sure why, maybe he forgot what was on them or just didn't care?) And basically I found porn and nude photography, which wouldn't have bothered me that much typically, but a lot of it was focused on this one camgirl who is amazingly stunning and has the figure of a goddess and looks absolutely nothing like me. He has several folders FULL of photos and videos of her. He has more photos/videos of her on his stuff than he does of me. As I looked through them, I felt so crushed and hurt. I know it's dumb, but I guess it's the fact that her body is so unobtainable to me. Literally a perfect hourglass Goddess and I'm over here being a frumpy stick figure. Ever since this happened, I've been dealing with feelings of inadequacy and self hatred. I did eventually confess to him because I couldn't take it anymore. It didn't really help much. He said the things any decent boyfriend would say to try to make me feel better. I told him I didn't want to police the things he looks at or thinks and I would do my best to put it in the back of my head. That hasn't gone that well because I've been obsessed with the ideal of plastic surgery now, which I can't afford, which makes me more depressed. Our sex life has taken a blow because I'm constantly comparing myself to her and getting turned off because I feel ugly. I've also developed this masochistic tendency to stare at pictures of her and similar looking girls while I talk down on myself.
A part of me secretly hoped that after seeing how hurt I was that he would stop saving things of her. But recently I went on a file storage site he uses (it was already logged in, we share a computer) looking for something unrelated, and the first thing I see is a folder with her name and it had been updated very recently. And now I'm sitting here staring at pictures of her and feeling like trash again. I don't even blame him, either. She's gorgeous.
Why do I do this to myself? How can I deal with these feelings? Are my feelings justified at all or am I being a moron? I really feel like I'm going batshit.
Pic related, it's her.(NSFW)
Well first of all that is just a slim woman with large breast implants. They seem a little too round to be natural, and not proportional to her body weight.
His obsession with one particular girl is a Bit Weird in a situation where you'd hope he'd be thinking about you.
But. You are a person, not a sex object. Your relationship is (hopefully) far more than that. The social aspect is of much greater importance. Obviously you cannot police his p*rn, just as you said. But honestly being obsessed with just one girl is…a little creepy? When there's so much porn on the internet?
No advice for you but I empathise, Anon.
If pic related is the girl then I don't know what you are worried about. Her body type is horrifying like a skeleton with implants.
If you have a problem with it and your bf won't consider your feelings and change then it's probably time to dump him. Obsessing over a specific camgirl is practically on the edge of cheating.
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Sorry, it might have been a bad pic. She's not skelly. Just thin and curvy at the same time. Makes me want to die lol>>71177
I've thought about it. It would be entirely an act though because I'm one of those people that's basically only attracted to who they're in love with. Other guys bore me. I guess that makes this whole thing that much worse. I can't expect the same of him but it still hurts.
Tbh i dont think youre being dumb. If youre the type to only feel attracted to your s/o, then you should have a partner who feels the same way or has enough respect to not let his porn be out in plain view lol. It was wrong to snoop through his stuff and you shouldnt do that if you trust the guy, so you mustve had existing doubts about him? Ive personally never snooped through my bfs stuff because he doesnt make me feel insecure for any reason, you deserve the same thing.
Imo finding out a partner has a huge jack off folder for me would be unsettling, finding out its all of ONE GIRL would be a deal breaker. Like other anons said it sounds like a creepy obsession he isnt willing to let go of and is making you feel worse about yourself. Why bother? You can find someone without a growing porn addiction, im sure.
I think there's another way to look at this situation. That's not to say my interpretation is definitely correct, but I want to give anon an alternative opinion: he was comfortable enough with you to let you find this chick. He wasn't going to great lengths to hide his crush on her, and the fact that he was open and honest about it when you confronted him attests to that. That implies that he didn't think it was worth hiding her from you, because he didn't think you'd be jealous since it's just a superficial crush. Considering you found her in his history more than once means he didn't just forget to clear his browser. He didn't mind if you saw his history because he's not trying to hide anything from you. That's a good thing!
Regarding your feelings about your body: I totally relate. I'm a stringbean and I get really self-conscious about not having any curves. But in my experience, I've never met a guy who had a problem with that. The fact is that you're a million times hotter than that chick because you're real. I guarantee that he gets way more turned on seeing you in the flesh than he does just seeing some naked chick on a computer screen. Guarantee it.
Yeah, it's shitty that he's continued to save her pics after you've told him it makes you feel inferior, but as long as he doesn't hide it from you I wouldn't worry about it too much. I know that's easier said than done, but think of it like this: looking at a camgirl is like looking at art in a museum, yeah it looks nice but you can't touch it, all you can do is admire it from afar. But you are his own art: he gets to touch you and admire you and experience your beauty in the flesh. Nothing can top that.
I hope this doesn't sound apologistic, that is not my intention. I just think this guy might be ok, anon! Best of luck <3
and I use the term "crush" very loosely to mean just that you think someone's attractive, like a crush on a famous actor or musician.
It's a camgirl which means he very likely watches videos which he's paid for access to, and the folder was named after her and frequently updated. Which definitely fills my criteria for what I would call stalking. >>71183
Your interpretation is thoughtful and there's definitely an element of "it's good he's being honest" which I agree with. But if he was so happy with Anon's real-life self (which is likely, since they're dating) he obviously is not expressing it in a manner which is making her feel desirable. The stalking a camgirl thing hurts because she's not
feeling cherished. Note the bit where she indulges in sort of reverse pro-Ana behavior of insulting herself while looking at pics of this/similar girls.
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Ive been talking to this girl for 2 months now and she clearly likes me a lot more than i like her
Shes always sending me like romantic messages and she wants to talk literally ALL OF THE TIME if i dobt reply for 10 minutes she messages me hi and while im at work she sends me a bunch of i muss you wish you were here messages
Its made me not like her anymore and wish we hadnt met because theres no way for me to break it off without her like crying
Ps am a girl
You're both teenagers or tweens based on the punctuation. This age group are internet addicts and message all day long as standard. Maybe she just wants a friend idk.
Just say something like you're doing a phone detox to lessen your stress so you're only really online (7-8pm) or whatever time you don't mind chatting. She'll get weaned off or find someone else to talk to.
Seems to me that he wants to keep you as a backup plan if he doesn't even want to be in the same town.
I could understand not wanting to move in with someone you love because you want your independence from them for the moment, but this seems weird if he really loves you.
And wanting you to move back to a town you're not from is selfish.
So he doesn't want to live near you to the point that he doesn't even allow you to live in your home town. Sounds like he is trying to put you on the backburner if he doesn't find anyone else.
dump him, baby, you're having tunnel vision right now. trust us
the thing that bothers me the most is that he wants you to sacrifice everything and is not willing to do the same to you. it's either you follow him or you don't. that don't seem right does it now
Same tl;dr anon here again, LMAO (っ- ‸ – ς)
He broke up with me two weeks ago. Or tried to, I just snapped (OOC for me) and coldly told him he doesn't know what he wants (he started outright sobbing and couldn't get words out, tried to say something about "the spark being gone"), and I said that I wasn't going to chase him ("If you want it, come and get it"). Told him I say these things because I love him, then hung up the phone. But I'm considering it a breakup, for simplicity's sake.
I had told him three days before, in a conversation prompted by him, that it did NOT mean that I wasn't willing or did not want to have sex with him. Just that I had anxieties that I needed to work on, and was willing to do so. It's not like I can't enjoy a fun activity with someone I love, after all. He seemed content with the answer and also mentioned he had some sexual problems of his own that he needed to address (among other things, he chronically feels like he doesn't get noticed by ladies, which he mentioned in the beginning of our time together and should have been a red flag - even though he claims he has "alpha" tendencies), and things felt like they were going back into place, but at the end of the night asked for some time to consider his "emotions" and promised that he would call me the next day. As is apparent from the first sentence of this paragraph, he didn't call me until three days later. I didn't pester him in between that time.
Didn't pester him after the break up either, just stopped visiting his social media accounts and deleted him from all contact apps (after I accidentally sent a thumbs up on messenger the next day because I was searching for a meme I had sent him a few days ago and now wanted to send to my friends. Promptly sent a "srry, wrong msg box" and deleted the convo from the beginning of time. How EMBARRASSING, lmao) But it was my birthday a few days ago and something in me broke down and I visited one of his social media accounts. I saw that he and one of his female internet mutuals were quickly buddying up, he was watching new things that she was suggesting (I had been telling him to expand from beyond his comfort bubble for a while now, and always had my eyes and ears open for interesting things to share with him) and posting excitedly about them, and from his posts it was obvious that from behind the scenes he had suggested and they had quickly started voice/vid? calling one another. And when she had multiple tech problems or questions about something, he helped her with tips and tricks or opinions that I had taught him or told him about when he had similar questions. It was like he was trying to relive the excitement of the beginning of his relationship with me, but with him being more like me?
This is the same girl who I once joked had a crush on him because she always jumped to reply to his text posts for the last two months and try to be a shoulder to lean on for him as she refreshed his page constantly, but he never answered her or was very polite but distant in his interaction when a question was asked (we used to spend so much time together on vid call that I would see his private conversations). He told me that it was stupid because why would he jump from one LDR to another LDR with a girl that lived much, much further away (should have noticed the wording then, eh?). He did say then that she reminded him a lot of me, though.
LOL, I am such a hot mess, but then I wept the most strongly I had since the beginning of the break-up and stayed up all night composing a long letter which went through: me telling him how much I'm crying, especially when I see tender (not necessarily romantic) moments between people, telling him that I know that my behavior wasn't exactly happy in the last few months and that I was beginning to get overbearing with my "help", how hard it was for me to make the decision that we would be together for life after he asked, thinking that he also understood that love/commitment was a choice and not a feeling (I told him his good aspects and his bad aspects, and how I weighed them), how I felt cheated that after all the times I helped him emotionally/intellectually/with schoolwork/and financially (once! lol) he ran away when I was beginning to have my own emotional problem, all the moments that we missed by not meeting up IRL, but also that I was really happy that he was happy and looked like he was doing really well (which is what I wanted for him, ultimately ;)), but that I needed to move on and begged him to tell me something that will kill all hope of reconciliation (when a teenager, I was so badly in love with a guy that I pined after him without approaching him for three years, and I guess in my lowest moment now, I was deathly afraid I would do this again - that guy outright rejected me in the most direct but kind terms, and I still deeply respect his wisdom for that rejection until this day - made me value the importance of being direct). Sent it to my now-ex-BF, seen right away - noticed that he still has me under the nickname of "My Girlfriend <3" - but no reply yet. Biggest no-no in the book, hahaha, but I needed to clear my head and I think deep down I wanted to scare him away to never come back. I don't really care about a reply – I'm moving on regardless, because it actually is my own choice to make.
I was going in between feeling fantastic and having waterfalls come from my eyes. I was between thinking "Now I finally have the time for my own projects that I was constantly lacking and hating!" to feeling like I lost something special by my own design or that I was replaced by a "better" version that will be the one who ends up marrying him, as if our earlier promises of commitment meant nothing. I'm not like this – I just want to be level-headed, go-getter myself again. I want to stop wavering. But I can see that every day is getting better, especially if I write things out and don't bottle them.
The girl he is rebounding with – I hope she doesn't get hurt. From her internet presence, she really is a very nice girl, but sometimes a crush makes you do stupid things, especially when you are still a bit naive and think the world is full of good people.
If he ever wants me back in the future, he's going to have to be successful all by himself, and not by sucking all ambition from me, LOL. I understand that his environment and the people around him suck, but he. can. do. it. himself. I never liked playing mother, but I wanted to help him; if he can't appreciate that sometimes love has to be tough, good riddance. However, I never want to go back to that dynamic again.
I am thankful that I am around my parents, even though they don't know what happened, because they show their love for me everyday. And I am thankful for all anons who have read my venting and who have given advice. It really helps. Thank you all. <3>>70203
A bit late, but I tried out Asexualitic last night for shits and giggles. Not really looking for a rebound myself, just wanted to get some asexual perspective on what other options look like. It's the "best" asexual dating website, and it fucking sucks. You gotta pay $15 dollars to activate messages, so I could only browse profiles, and I only found one guy who I personally found attractive looks, age, career, and personality-wise and is close enough to ~theoretically~ work – but also as a LDR. God, he was really handsome, heheheh.
Most of the people there are above-average looking, though, don't get me wrong. But I tend to find that asexual spaces and/or dating websites tend to attract men with something slightly a bit too… feminine? for my tastes.
>>71423>I think he's too young for me.
i can follow this>LDR
LDRs are a joke and both of you sound too young to be in one even if they were legit. you should 'dump' him and find someone irl if you want comfort and stuff. people in LDRs will never be more than friends because a relationship demands intimacy. not just physical, but emotional, and you can't create an emotional relationship without being in person.
Not the same anon, but I'd like to hear more about why you think emotional intimacy cannot be created with a LDR?
I think I agree with you, but I don't know why. I'm starting to understand myself that you don't know what a person is truly like unless you interact with them irl.
We've spent about half a year living together when we can visit each other so we're not 100% LDR.
He told me to take the day to figure out what the fuck i want and tbh all I want to do is cry and scream at him and make him understand me but he's just done and wants to sleep.
"You're starting a new life. You need to figure out if im in it or not. Because I am over this pointless bullshit we call a relationship. We change or we move on."
So gg me.
I'm going to have to vehemently disagree with your saying a relationship type works for no one. Not everyone can get emotional intimacy through a screen. Some people can. There are plenty of success stories, and failures.
I'm among both. I met my partner in person and we got along amazingly and had a similar rapport to the one we had on video calls. He's not my "friend."
blah blah I digress, anyway>>71423
It's fine to want to play games, but you sound like you feel neglected. Tell him outright, you feel emotionally neglected. If he starts a fight over that, he's kind of a dick. If he refuses to consider your feelings, he is a child and/or jerk and you should dump him. Talking 1 on 1 face to face is a pretty basic relationship need.
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>>71423>LDR>Doesn't want to talk 1 on 1 with you>"He often just jumps to "fuck off cunt" whenever we have a disagreement">"when I said it was hurtful and disrespectful he basically said that if i'm going to be in a bad mood just don't talk to him"
Why are you even with him…?
I have left him alone.
Please explain. I want to change for the better
You honestly need to see your doctor and be referred to a therapist. a lot of abusive people say they'll do anything to change, but change is hard, and they go back to their old ways.
I've been there anon. your best bet is to just improve on yourself (because YOU want to improve, not just so other people will like you better) and move on
Thirded. She sounds like an abusive trainwreck who strings and puppeteers men, then turns around and goes "uwu".
Leave that poor man alone, jfc.
I don't really see this Anon as abusive. Read the linked posts in>>71346
She is in a LDR where the guy seemed to overlook the whole "very very asexual" thing, and now it has finally sunk in, they've broken up. Seems like a communication issue. Being asexual and looking for a relationship doesn't make someone an abuser.
The last post may seem a little harsher, but bear in mind she was thinking it was a long haul and then he changed his mind after finally googling "asexual" idk
As I mentioned before, I am leaving him alone for good. I don't want to manipulate him back, which is the farthest from my intentions, and I certainly don't want to be in a relationship for a very, very long time.
However, if it is the main contention, I don't believe I strung him along at all. I consistently told him about my lack of sexual desire throughout the relationship, and voiced my fears when I thought appropriate. It's just that none of it seemed to be understood until I was so stressed over it that I started crying.
I'm also not saying that I want to improve the problems in my behavior for brownie points. After all, how would anyone on this chat board know what's changed? I ask for what sticks out because those who read the posts have an external point of view of the whole situation, without being emotionally invested.
I would like to elaborate:
I mentioned my asexuality the first day my ex started talking to me. He said he thought it was a tumblr fad, and I tried to explain it more fully, letting him know that I also was very uncomfortable with doing any sexual things. He said that it was fine and he didn't care, but I still wanted to remain just friends. He kept pursuing me romantically and eventually admitted that he loved me. I had already caved from all the attention at the time, told him that I loved him too, as I did, but that there was my "sex problem" and I didn't think I could satisfy his needs. He told me that he only really gets aroused once every six months, so it wouldn't be a problem. (This was rather stupid of me, as he posts porn on his tumblr daily.) I thought I could work with that and decided to give the LDR a try, working on making myself less averse to trying sex in general.
A few months in he mentioned marriage. I said I wasn't sure about getting married at all. The next day he told me that both his sister and his best friend said that he should tell me to "Fuck off" and cut all contact with me if I wasn't interested in marriage. I once again brought up that I thought I couldn't satisfy him sexually, but he told me that as long as I made a good sandwich (this was our type of humor), it didn't matter that I was "frigid". I told him that if he was so intent on pursuing me, and since it appeared that he wanted sex more often than he initially claimed (he had told me recently that his libido had "returned to teenage levels"), why not have an open relationsip? I didn't mind him sleeping with other girls at all. He didn't like the idea and said that he wanted to be in a comitted, monogamous relationship. I told him that I needed some time to consider marriage.
I deliberated on it for about a week. I thought about how we could make it work in the long run (since we obv were LDR and students, too). I decided that maybe marriage could be an option and once again I brought up that I was not a sexual person (I had by that time been trying to get more comfortable with sex and my body, getting close to my first post >>66963
), but he told me that he would not leave me over something so stupid and hedonistic. Thinking I had found something special, I told him that I could see us getting married. He was so happy, he automatically started asking me about the type of engagement ring I wanted. We both promised each other that we'd stick together until our very deaths.
Look, I realize now that this was a thing that was said in the heat of the moment for him, as he was completely smitten. I don't look badly on him for not putting a lot into one promise, but I put a lot of weight on it when I said it. I wouldn't have sent him a quarter of my paycheck, helped him keep track of appointments or with editing his essays for uni, and look for business ventures that we could do together and help supplement his family's income if I didn't 100% believe we had a long future together. Also, these were things he asked me to do for him, and I did not bring them up initially or by force. It might have been annoying to remind him (at his behest) five times in the same day that he should call his internet and TV service provider so that he wouldn't have pay late fees, each time with the response, "A bit later" and have him continue to post on his social media until it was too late, but I thought we were on the same page and that we'd support each other through thick or thin and grow better together.
This is about the time I posted my first two posts on here.
Also, as I realize that this may be misconstrued: "lack of sexual desire" does not mean that by the end I was unwilling to perform sexual acts. What I described before as "want to have sex" stemmed from a want to make him happy by doing something that he wanted to do and which we could both enjoy albeit for different reasons, and not from a want to get off itself. What I describe as a "lack" is simply an indifference - if not initiated by another person, I have no drive to seek out sex on my own. My fear was that there would seem to be something missing on a fundamental level - passion? I had the notion that he wanted a sex cougar moaning in bed rather than a girl smiling up at him with all admiration in her eyes, which he said nothing to when I asked.
This is how I tried explaining it to him before as well, but perhaps it was confusing?
Yeah, that's what I thought. The rumours about human trafficking and the sharia court you'll go to if they catch you sounds scary too.
Not worth it. Thanks anon.
Anon, you're already fucking careless about your life since you're a prostitute (btw receiving bags and other items instead of cash still means prostitution. Just call it what it is, you're a prostitute), but are you serious you even considered going to the middle east to be one? Fucking lol. It's obvious they're tricking you, that's incredibly shady and there are multiple stories about similar situations happening to women worldwide, which are always shocking and often end in death. If you're lucky maybe you won't end up dead due to selling your easy cunt in Asia or Europe or whatever, but your chances of dying in Dubai would definitely be higher due to what others have already explained.
You're not only filthy but also really stupid.
Sage because I'm triggered
asf by this. Even with lots of information out there some women still willingly do this to themselves for easy cash, this is really putrid. I know I'm harsh but hearing the truth is definitely better than being trafficked and dying in a foreign country because of your greed.