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No. 176521

Vent your heart out, give and receive relationship advice from fellow farmers.

Previous threads:

No. 176530

Reposting from the last thread because I posted just before this one was made.

My boyfriend knows I have severe trust issues and that lying is the biggest thing to me. He's lied to me about petty things in the past, and I warned him that it may seem like white lies but they really get to me and I feel like I can't trust him.

At the beginning of our relationship, he said he stopped looking at any porn because he didn't need it since he has me. We have a very active sex life. I dont care if he watches porn, I was just curious, and he adamantly denied it. Yesterday, we were both relaxing in the living room. I went to sit next to him and he immediately hid his phone. I kept pushing him to show me what he was hiding and he kept swearing he wasn't hiding anything. He finally opened his phone and it was a bunch of naked girls on reddit. I'm both upset he lied, and upset he was looking at that when he would always insist "I have you so I don't need it. You're the only girl I want to look at" and then get upset if I was wary about him saying that.

I'm seriously so hurt. Is this a valid reason to break up with him or am I overreacting?

No. 176534

Yes. Dump his ass, he knows you have trust issues and still does shit like this
Also a coomer

No. 176535

>"I have you so I don't need it. You're the only girl I want to look at"
That is manipulative. What else is he willing to lie to you about to make you feel good?
There isn't a single man alive who doesn't sometimes want to look at other women.

No. 176540

I've been in a relationship where early on I opened up about having a certain issue, not athe same trust one but something else. Felt it was the adult thing to do to put it out there and be open..To have faith in him to appreciate that openess and use that sensitive info constructively! He then managed to trample all over me in the one exact way that would hurt me most. He had the knowledge no know in advance how devastating that would be for me. I see the similarities here.

Like you said, it was just so unnecessary to lie. I don't think you're overreacting. The fact that you had no issue with porn anyway.. he wasn't backed into a corner or shamed into hiding it. That solidifies just how selfish and like other anon said how weirdly manipulative it is to feed you these bs lines and try to paint himself as something that he's not. He took the initiate to lie and fake who he is without anything prompting him to. That's the type of liar I wouldn't bet on changing.

No. 176541

*took the initiative to lie

No. 176561

I've answered this same question in another thread and don't feel like typing it all out again, but to sum up: Men who test you with little white lies are hiding a hundred bigger, nastier lies behind the curtain. The heart of the matter is that they don't respect you enough to abide by your boundaries and feel entitled to manipulate your image of them to keep you on the hook. That is not loving, healthy or respectful, it's devious and controlling. He's playing a game with you. Dump.
>Is this a valid reason to break up with him or am I overreacting?
Also, you have the right to leave any relationship for any reason you want whether it seems minor to other people or not. Countless women have stayed in garbage relationships because they've been gaslit by men, acquaintances and society at large into thinking they're "overreacting." All that fucking matters is that it matters to you. If someone's actions are making you feel bad about yourself, do not waste any further time on them.

No. 176577

my most recent ex:
on one of our first few dates, i asked him if he watches porn. he said "no", "not much at all". he agreed with me that it isn't really that good physically or mentally for a guy. and i let him know i didn't like it.
some time (a couple months later) he fully let the facade down and would ask me shit like if i'd watch porn together with him. i didn't want to get into his watching habits directly, but i kind of realized that he probably does watch it more than he let on.
that wasn't the reason we broke up, but it was one of the things that bothered me about him that i decided to "swallow" so i wouldn't seem like a controlling or needy gf or something.
your bf knew very well what he was saying to you, and how much weight his words held. no matter how much men like to play dumb, they are very well aware of how much weight their words carry to their partners. why does it mean more to a woman to hear that her bf thinks she's beautiful, as opposed to some random guy? same logic applies here. he flat out lied to you, and trust me when i say you REALLY need to reconsider how far you want to let this man push your boundaries. if you let him do it enough, when you break up, you're going to feel stupid for letting him walk all over you. you're going to wish you held your ground a bit more.
>he goes on reddit

No. 176599

>There isn't a single man alive who doesn't sometimes want to look at other women.
Saying "all men do x" just makes women feel like it's a hopeless prospect and teaches them to settle for garbage. There are loyal men and loyal women out there.

No. 176614

How do you handle an insecure and distrustful partner? My boyfriend was screwed over in the past with his ex and it's lead to him to be pretty scared of being cheated on and left. I really haven't minded giving him reassurance and all that for a long time now because I get it, I've been hurt in the past too. Except we've been dating for almost a year now and he still treats me like he has zero trust in me and routinely accuses me of cheating though he says he's not accussing me but simply asking me things. Like he'll ask if I'm in love with so or so, that he feels like when he's asleep that I'm off cuddling or hooking up with some guys, etc. He won't get mad at me or anything but just gets very anxious and wants me to dispel his worries. Except I'm starting to feel offended by him constantly asking me the same question or saying the same statements about how he's anxious I'm having an affair. Like I'm starting to feel like nothing I do will make him trust me and also I shouldn't have to go out of my way to make him trust me when I've literally done nothing to make him feel worried. It was his exes fault, not mine.

No. 176616

If it's been a year and you've done nothing to warrant his jealousy, it's absolutely offensive for him to treat you like you have. 'But I've been hurt before uwu' is a shitty excuse, he should not be making HIS issues YOUR responsibility and making you do all this emotional labour to coddle him for no good reason We all get jealous sometimes, we all have insecurities, but being a decent person means reigning in your emotions and being fair and reasonable when dealing with others.

No. 176618

My ex always accused me of cheating and blamed his past exes for being paranoid. Turns out he cheated on them and then on me with one of them and countless other women. He nagged me so much that I was cheating. I was so confused because I was so devoted and loyal. I had told him about my parents divorce due to infidelity and how it shaped my view on relationships. We obviously had what I thought were good genuine moments together then suddenly back to have you cheated on me? Etc. He was cheating on me and there were times that mutual acquaintances would allude to it vaguely and I'd ask him whenever he would ask me. These turned into horrible arguments. The final one on the matter he blurted out some shit that I'd only accuse him of cheating if I'd have been. I was like that's what you've been fucking doing to me for months, so you're telling me the only reason you're fixating on it is because you've done it. He never admitted to it directly but also never denied it. The only direct confirmation I got was from other people who witnessed it or my ex told them directly about it.

If you know you have literally never cheated and he keeps making baseless claims about it, he's probably projecting.

No. 176621

You should set boundaries. You've done everything a good partner should to reassure him of your loyalty. At this point he's dealing with some sort of deeper issue and since it's negatively impacting you, he should be getting therapy for it. It's not your job to fix his frankly offensive outlook. Tell him his constant distrust when you've done nothing to warrant it is upsetting you. Doesn't matter if he thinks he's "just asking" innocent questions, what matters is that it's hurtful to you. It's fine if he seeks reassurance by requesting normal expressions of love (cuddling, asking you to share what you enjoy about him), but he needs to stop with inquiring if you're in love with other people and that sort of thing. If he does, tell him you will not engage anymore and follow through. Don't enable that behavior by rewarding it with reassurance any longer. His attitude toward the relationship is not coming from a healthy place. If he can't afford therapy, he can read a book on getting over infidelity and building trust. Some sort of external resource that is not you and will provide him with steps to move on. He needs to take responsibility for himself, you're not a free counseling service.

No. 176654

Dump him

No. 176656

What does it mean when you send a heart felt message like a paragraph long on how much you love your boyfriend and then have him not respond despite you seeing he is online and in a call with his bro? He said he wanted me to be more open about my feelings do I did and to open up about my love for him then for him not to reply hurts more than I thought it would. I have no idea what do in these situations honestly? As of late, I send him messages last and he never replies, he just leaves them. He messages me on his own and tells me he loves me but some messages never get replied to. This one is one I wanted at least a thumbs up. I feel like a needy idiot for asking for acknowledgement for messages I send especially nonserious stuff.

No. 176657

men and women should basically get the word "needy" out of their vocabulary because asking for basic shit is no needy and gaslighting your partner that they're needy when they want basic shit is just malicious

No. 176664

Wow what an asshole
Dump him

No. 176665

Cool. Not interested, can you give advice on my original post outside of hating on my boyfriend. This might just be a perspective issue.

No. 176668

Sorry about what you're experiencing, anon. Also farmers are quick to just type "ew dump him" like high-schoolers without helping you step through it. My boyfriend is quite similar. I know he loves me, he tells me all the time and I know it, but he's absolute ass at responding to messages, in fact his family contacts me to ask about him because he's that bad at it. I'll send him shit and he won't respond for ages, sometimes even responding to his mates' messages and playing games with them since the time they were sent. I myself got upset because I felt like I was being ignored, so I approached him about it (as well as his family contacting me to see if he's still alive). He admitted it was a problem and that he would often read my messages, get another one, get distracted and then lose his train of thought without responding. He has since gotten better and replies to his family as well so I don't have to deal with them. I mentioned how it may seem mundane or that there's no point responding to an "I love you" because he and I know that's already true, but that type of assurance is important to me. Just like anyone else your partner may be shit at remembering/staying on top of certain things. Definitely have a conversation with him and make it known that it does upset you especially when you've poured your heart into a paragraph, and that you've noticed he's off playing games/in discord calls and ignoring your messages which hurts. Sometimes guys are stupid and need visual distress presented in front of them to really understand how its affecting you.

No. 176670

Tell him that he needs to give some kind of reaction to your messages even if it's just "talk to you later" because it's no different from you saying something to him when personally present and him just ignoring your existence (given that he does read them).

No. 176673

Some people don't associate messaging with lengthy conversations, but more for exchanging brief messages. Maybe he meant he wanted you to be more open about your feelings in person?

No. 176677

I mean he either respects you or he doesn't. He either takes you for granted or he'd show appreciation. Men aren't another species their brains do process language the same as women. If his actions don't match up with his words he's being disingenuous with you.

No. 176679

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost four months now, and we have issues sexually. We talked about it and he can’t cum inside me. We talked about it and he told me that he used to watch porn, he promised to not anymore. (out of respect for me)
Do I trust him? I don’t know what to do because he’s so sweet to me and he really does his best, I think he genuinely wants to stop with porn. But, I don’t know. Anyone else experienced this before?

No. 176681

it takes a very minimal amount of effort to send a heart emoji or a thumbs up in response. you're not needy for wanting some acknowledgment and validation from your boyfriend. it's the absolute bare minimum.

No. 176684

Part of the issue with porn, is that it is pushed on men a lot. So the best thing is to have a talk about places he is in like discord servers with porn channels or places that push porn like reddit. Porn addiction ruins lives and porn is not good with human mental health. You have to understand as much as I hate saying this, this is going to take time and patience for him to get over. Addiction is not meant for everyone, you don't have to deal with an addict keep that in mind. You also have to talk to him and show him stuff that explains that porn is very unhealthy and a lot of stuff in porn is not normal or going to happen there. Put up boundaries and respect yourself out of everything. If he can't stop then walk away.

No. 176690

He doesn’t want to stop. Dump.

No. 176691

Tell him you will dump him if he doesn’t stop. Also shame and berate him for not being a proper man, say you’ll find a man who can cum inside you kek.
Porn addicts are fucking worthless and I hate them. I wasted so many years with one. They can be very sweet at first and full of promises and excuses, then they’ll flip once they’re more comfortable into a disrespectful, cajoling sociopath who will push every boundary you have.

No. 176692

You are pathetic, you sound like a fucking Redditor with your infantilisation of men.
Only deviant males get addicted to porn and they should be shunned and looked at as the disgusting broken men that they are.

No. 176693

I used to have this issue, but I talked to him about it and expressed that it made me feel ignored. If he really cares, he'll make an effort to be better about it. Sometimes my bf slips up so I've gotten into the habit of asking IRL if he's seen my message. I've also deliberately stop replying to about half the things he sends me so he also follows up with me IRL.

No. 176701

If you're that snippy with that anon who is telling you the truth, how about you show some of that attitude towards your boyfriend? Matter of fact is he just doesn't respect or give a shit about what you have to say. Him saying "I love you" doesn't mean anything. He has to show through actions that he respects your feelings and thoughts.

"Maybe I just have to communicate more???" "Maybe he doesn't care about text messages" "maybe have has focus issues"-type of rationalization is a big massive cope and makes you look like a clown. I have untreated ADHD, I hate texting, yet I still make sure to get back to my bf when he's talking to me about anything.

If he wanted to show you basic consideration and respect he would.

No. 176715

So can he cum outside of you (in your presence)? Or from blowjobs/handjobs or any other sort of stimulation from you? If he's stopped watching porn but still masturbating he might be dealing with the side effects of death grip. He needs to stop doing anything for a period of a couple weeks to try and reset himself physically. If he stops everything and only gets stimulation from you, he will likely be more sensitive to softer touch and it'll be easier for him to orgasm with you.

No. 176740

I want to know how to block this one mtf? How do I press block button and not give a fuck?thanks

No. 176742

Saying "a non-negligible percentage of men will feel no arousal toward other women when paired up" is just setting unrealistic expectations, which is going to hurt a lot more than just settling for reality.

>I have you so I don't need it.
Did you not find this insulting? He practically called you a fleshlight!

No. 176759

Looking for some advice with a girl. We're both on a postgrad course at uni together and she is definitely a sperg (i.e. self-admitted autist) and as a result is quite blunt about her life/interactions with people. We're both bi, and went on a date just before the first covid lockdown in our country. It was middling since I don't think either of us really knew what we wanted; I could have made it clearer, but I didn't want to be too brazen on a first date. Otherwise we get on really well, and we're always talking otherwise. She complements me on my work a lot - we're both doing an arts' postgrad - and as far as I'm aware, she doesn't do that for other people. The other day, we were out in a group chatting about random stuff, and she started speaking about how she's sleeping around with scrotes. In part, I'm being an armchair psychologist cause she's told me a lot about how she struggled growing up with being bullied for being autistic, and I think that she sleeps about as a coping mechanism. It intimidated me a bit, because I don't feel particularly attractive. I really think we could work well together, but at the same time I'm a little scared that whatever I do won't replace her current behaviour, and that perhaps I'm trying to read in too much into our relationship as it is right now. Not sure if I really want advice or if this is just an oblique vent, but I like you nonnies and value your opinions.

No. 176771

if you think the "dump him" advice is a high schooler advice, you yourself may be too young. At the end of the day, life is short and why would you waste time with someone you have so many incompatibilities with? Invest that time in yourself and listening to yourself, instead of twisting yourself to fit the mold and actions of some random dude you've convinced yourself you need to have around (and decided to call it "love").
When people care, they do things that make you happy. They just do it, without you having to beg and overexplain and remind and all that crap, that's why it's not working out.
> "sometimes guys are stupid"
… girl. you are fooling yourself. he acts that way because he knows he'll get away with it (you excuse him!) and you don't have a strong enough sense of self. can't you see you are wasting yourself away through this? there's a fundamental incompatibility that is a time bomb… sooner or later it's going to explode in your face. if you invested in yourself the time spent worring about this random dude and trying to convince him to care about your feelings, imagine how much you would advance in your career/studies/life goals.

No. 176772

Aww that sucks. If I were you I would take it as a cue that she's not into you like that. Not sure about your cultural backgrounds, but for me talking about fucking around is friendly shit talk, and it sounds like you wanted more. It also sounds like she has stuff that she has to work on, so maybe this is not the time to think about getting in a relationship with her. I would try to move on. You sound invested on her life/mind, maybe chill out and reduce contact for a while. Have something to distract yourself for a while and work on yourself! You said you don't feel attractive, maybe that's a hint on what to focus and work next. Good luck!

No. 176819

Sorry for being terfy and annoying and this is small and stupid but I feel crazy. This is stupid as fuck but has me pissed off and I don’t have anywhere to talk about it with ppl who’d understand, my fucking boyfriend is in this new friend group and there’s a fakeboi. At first I didn’t care whatever a bunch of dweebs talking about anime games whatever. But in the groupchat suddenly there was DICK talk. Because boys are weird like that. And then the fakeboi is making jokes asking the size and color of my boyfriends dick in the groupchat. I’m livid over it, that person is a degenerate and already seeing what boundaries she can cross with my boyfriend because he isn’t very confrontational. I’m contemplating just dumping him because I don’t want to be here to see this friendship to develop and he already told me he agrees with my views not that kids but I feel like he’s bound to change with someone who thinks sex is a spectrum in his friend group. AND AM REALLY I CRAZY FOR BEING UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THE DICK TALK? It’s a biological straight girl. He thinks I just misinterpreted it and making a bigger deal than it is but I don’t know. I’ve been really annoyed and uncomfortable since this happened the other day. I’m not worried about my boyfriend leaving me for that thing I trust him I know I’m what he wants, but it really fucking irks me someone like that is in the picture now. She posts really oddly sexual stuff too.

No. 176831

i love my boyfriend and he's awesome, but sometimes he's SO convinced he's right on an issue when i KNOW he's wrong and he won't accept he's wrong. UGH. why are men like this?

No. 176834

You're not crazy, at all. That's really gross, especially if she knows that your bf is taken. Ultimately the conflict is between you and her, not you and your boyfriend, right? So I'd encourage you to talk with her yourself as soon as possible. Explain to her that that behaviour or humour makes you uncomfortable and you won't tolerate her speaking to your partner that way. However, if she doubles down on it or gets offended about transphobia or whatever ('cuz she thinks she's "one of the guys" lel), your boyfriend may get kicked from the group for being/associating with a terf. I'd say that's not much of a loss since he can always make friends with other, more normal people. Just be prepared that he might feel otherwise.

No. 176837

No, you're not overreacting. Frankly it's inappropriate for men to discuss their dicks publicly in general, at "best" it's wildly immature when biological women are present (regardless of what they identify as). It's good that your boyfriend agrees with you, but he needs to be the one to tell her it's not okay. A simple, "Hey I wasn't comfortable with this, don't bring up my genitals" will suffice, and then he should distance himself if it happens again.

>So I'd encourage you to talk with her yourself as soon as possible.

Yeah, don't do this. You're not your partner's mommy who needs to draw boundaries for him. Doing so also makes it easy for the other person to say you're just the psycho overreactive girlfriend. "Anon had a problem with it but she just doesn't get our dynamic, Boyfriend never said anything to me himself, so clearly it's not a big deal to him." He needs to grow up and deal with people personally or else you're going to have to submit to being with a doormat.

No. 176847

Anon! Holy cow
I thonk you're looking for the confession thread

No. 176854

I agree with the above anon to not talk to her yourself, this isn't your problem, it's your bf's. Your bf knows her better than you do, he has to talk to her and draw boundaries. If he's not willing to get out this comfort zone for you then all he's doing is basking in the attention.

No. 176857

This is a scrote, isn't it?

No. 176899

What are your thoughts on sending nudes?

No. 176900

I would send them to a woman, but I would have to really trust a dude that I'm with to send them to one.

No. 176901

It’s iffy, but I do it. I don’t have casual sex or casually talk around or anything, people I’ve done it with I’ve been in long serious relationships with. I have the most embarrassing shit of my boyfriend, he’s not ever going to leak me LOL. I think it’s safe when theres trust and love.

It still isn’t always a safe thing to do, I wouldn’t ever do it casually with someone. If it’s a man, you have to know his views and relationship with his friends too though, and the way he talks about you. Some men like to show off to their friends, but I think as long as you’re observant of all that and know your partner is mature and trustworthy it’ll be ok if it’s what u want to do.

I think it’s fun, I can’t always see him and have sex. Just another little form of intimacy for me.

It is hard to come by a good trustworthy man though.

No. 176907

I'd never do it, too much risk and honestly I don't really see the point of them.

No. 176910

Never. It's a trend started by the younger generations and I absolutely don't approve of it. I see it as pornification of everyday life. Sending nudes is not a sex act, it's porn, plain and simple. I'm not interested in doing free porn. I'd run away from anyone who asks for my nudes, I don't want to be objectified like that.

No. 176911

Never. Even if it wasn't about never knowing for 100% the person you're sending them to won't show them around, I'd still never do it for the simple reason alone mistakes like losing your phone or accidentally opening the wrong chat can happen.

No. 176912

Never a good idea
Asking for trouble

I wouldn't be against them if there was a 1000% foolproof way to make sure no one else EVER saw them ever, but that's simply not the case.

No. 176918

File: 1616927407419.jpeg (61.13 KB, 720x655, 44F19BE6-6F42-4126-8CB8-5E3CA1…)


I do since I’m in an LDR. I didn’t send him any until we met irl. It’s ok, Snapchat is how we do it usually.

I like it, makes me feel validated and wanted by my boyfriend. Sometimes he buys me lingerie and I take pics.

Wouldn’t do it in any other circumstance.

No. 176922

Having had a once loving relationship turn so insanely sour and petty once the breakup happened.. I wouldn't do nudes full stop. I never did it before that either but that experience just made me grateful that he didn't have that leverage over me. You can't see into the future so it's a risk every time.

No. 177036

i've posted about my controlling mother-in-law here before, and received some really nice advice. this post may get long, i'm very sorry. but please help me again, anons

so my husband's mom picked a fight with me back in january. it was about something unthinkably stupid; she wanted to visit us, wanted us to show her around, i said i wouldn't be able to take time off of work + covid anyway is a real thing, etc. she got extremely personal about it ("you hate me" was one of the nicer things she said) and i tried to stand my ground and told her she doesn't control me and if half the things that she said about me in that fight were what she actually feels, then it's best for us that we don't try to fake a relationship anymore.
i let my husband know about everything as normally/neutrally as i could at that time, as i was very riled up. he wasn't very happy with everything that happened but he didn't want to bring it up with his mom either. the most he was willing to do was to let the issue lie and no longer ask me to talk to his mother (she used to complain to him in case i ever missed one of our every-other-day phone calls).

since then she hasn't talked to me anymore, when before the fight she used to insist that i call her at least every other day. but now my husband wants to visit his parents, and she's insisting that i come along. so what's happening right now is:
- she's made my husband an inadvertent mediator by going to him instead of coming to me
- she's made it so he now has to pick sides, something he has been avoiding thus far
- she AND the father-in-law have been regularly calling him up and saying a lot of stuff like "let bygones be bygones" "tell your wife she shouldn't hold grudges" "have you ever considered we need you here and things may not be ok" (acc to my husband things are just fine)
- he's tried to tell them he would visit them by himself like four times and all four times it's come down to them yelling at him and telling him to think of his poor old grandmother who just wants to see his wife (wtf even)

it's come to the point that today they called him to ask him when we were both coming to visit them, and when he said he could come visit on his own but i would rather not, they told him to decide once and for all whether i would have a relationship with them for the rest of their life or not, and let him know. he told me that if this is what i want, i should be the one to tell them, instead of involving him.
in my opinion the ones involving him are his parents, and he should stop asking me this. i also feel justified in standing my ground since i haven't heard a single apology to this date from him, his mother, or his father. everything that they see as a mistake i've made is pointed out multiple times to my husband over the phone. everything that i see as a mistake is never specifically addressed, but vagued at like "she should let it go and let bygones be bygones".
all i want to do is maintain my space and self-respect. at this point i'm even beyond expecting decent behavior from my husband's family, including any apology. i'm able to keep my grievances to myself, i try to bury them and move on. BUT today my husband tells me he really hates that i push things so far (i have never before, with his parents). i've let this situation build up needlessly, and it would be easier for everyone else if i was the one who capitulated, apologized and visited.

please help me. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i almost want to tell my husband to divorce me and find a wife who would put up with his parents, if this is what everyone wants. i feel SO disrespected and hurt i can't think straight. i'd appreciate any inputs.

No. 177046

sorry your in laws and husband are retarded.

>she's made my husband an inadvertent mediator by going to him instead of coming to me

>she's made it so he now has to pick sides, something he has been avoiding thus far
This is how it should be. Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with his family himself. He knows them and their expectations.

I understand if it hurts your pride but maybe capitulating this time, seeing how things play out and then deciding if you want to divorce or whatnot makes sense. If your husband's family is that awful and he doesn't care enough to understand and support you in the way you need, then plan on leaving. How often have you met in person? Maybe planning to talk in a public space instead of their home or yours will kepp things more neutral.

You know you can't expect anything from his family, but if that's the case and he still wants to have relationship/force you to have one with them then there really is no going past it.

>he told me that if this is what i want, i should be the one to tell them, instead of involving him.

Nope it's his family! This is something he should be communicating to them.

No. 177052

How do I deal with a bf who will pick fights over anything he doesn't want me to do while never admitting that's the actual reason?
For example if he didn't want me to have dinner with my coworkers he would claim the restaurant was too expensive or that I was letting them push me around/they peer pressured me into going instead of just saying he didn't want me to go.
If I manage to stand my ground long enough at times he will cave in and say it simply makes him uncomfortable (for no specific reason) but I don't know how to respond to that either.

No. 177056

That sucks, make it very clear to him how vital it is that he's supportive or at least not outright negative about the things you want to do. It sounds pretty controlling to be honest, and even if it's not on purpose, it can easily make you feel anxious about making plans and doing fun stuff because you know he's gonna give you shit for it. At least that's how it worked for me in the past, eventually I would avoid making plans because I didn't want the conflict and ended up isolated and miserable.
I can't stress enough how important it is to encourage your SO to do things for themselves that make them happy without letting your own insecurities (because that's most often what it is) get in the way. If your bf can't do that he's a shithead who isn't ready for a mutually respectful and trusting relationship.

No. 177058

>I would avoid making plans because I didn't want the conflict and ended up isolated and miserable
This is my current solution and it is indeed miserable. I try my best to reason with him but it's just so exhausting that it's not worth it most of the time.

No. 177066

I don't want to be one of those people who yell 'dump him' in response to every problem, but is it really a relationship you want to continue if it makes you feel like that?
My current bf is cool with any personal plans I make to the point that I didn't believe it at first because of the contrast. It feels wonderful to just be able to tell him about stuff I'm gonna do without any anxiety, and to have the only response be 'nice, have fun!'. It's a freedom that's easily underestimated until you experience it.

No. 177068

I know I should leave but I don't know how to clear that hurdle in good conscience when he's so good at making me feel guilty. I've even tried professional help but I had a shitty therapist and it was useless.
My time with this guy has been very isolating and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone I know in real life anyway.

No. 177077

There's no singular good way to break up, but if you don't live together maybe try spending longer times apart and cutting down on how frequently you're communicating first? In the end you're going to have to be straightforward about it but I know it's hard, especially if you're being guilttripped.
Don't feel ashamed about opening up about this though! Anyone who hears this will agree that it's unhealthy and who knows, they might have their own experience with socially controlling partners. It's more common than you might think, and the more people that can support you in staying strong and not giving in to him, the better.
If you want I could drop a throwaway email or something too.

No. 177078

i don't get what you want and you seem to be overdramatic. you talk about dignity and self respect as if they're doing god knows what to you, meanwhile you're just being a child and refusing to go see your in laws. newsflash: they're in laws. chances are they will be like this, or much worse. just suck it up and play nice it's not a big deal

No. 177083

Sucking it up for the sake of a partner's family is something most people have to deal with to some extent, but
>the mother saying "you hate me" just because anon couldn't take time off work to be her tour guide
>every-other-day phone calls
>emotionally manipulating son to visit by saying something is "not ok" but also saying him coming alone isn't enough
>telling son that "wife shouldn't hold grudges" as if he should give her a scolding rather than picking up the phone to speak to her directly
Someone is acting like an overdramatic child here, but it's not anon. Also wtf is a grown woman doing asking to speak to her daughter-in-law every other day? I don't even talk to my best friend that often. She's not a fucking fourteen-year-old who needs constant oversight. The fact anon tolerated that to any extent in the first place is insane. I would be over this needy, invasive bullshit after about a week. Makes me think the husband's family is South Asian or Middle Eastern because frankly I've only ever seen this level of melodramatics from cultures that are hugely (and often toxically) family-centric. I agree with >>177046 and think the husband needs to grow some balls and stand up for her, and if the mother wants to have any positive relationship with anon she can personally apologize for acting like a manic bitch.

No. 177090

Using him as 'a mediator' is perfectly normal. He should be on board with trying to mediate this. It sounds like they're holding an olive branch out to you and seeing as you're the one turning that offer down though..it'll be all too easy for your husband to now see you as the bad guy, the one being 'difficult' You're setting yourself up to have him take the other side.

If they were really the inlaws from hell I don't think they'd be trying so hard to have you come over and visit them. To include you in plans. They'd be glad to have him come over solo and then they'd shittalk you in your absence. I think at this stage you're dragging out a situation that could be resolved and could become civil again. All the quotes from them are about moving on and not holding grudges…that's a positive thing. It shows you can fight with his family and have them still open their arms to you. They have their dick moments but value family above staying mad. Some parents have one bad argument with a DIL and cut them off. They don't sound like terribly unreasonable people tbh. Alot of the things you listed as if they were negative points about them, aren't.

No. 177120

i think im not sexually attracted to my partner anymore and i dont know if i can keep pretending. any advice?

No. 177121

Any advice on what to do when you’re gay crushing hard on someone who’s happily monogamously married? No men are involved in this situation.

No. 177122


thank you anons for taking the time, you've given me a fair bit to think about. this is very kind and it's great to have both perspectives to think about honestly

a bit more context for >>177078 , i've been married for 2 years and a half (we dated for five years before) and it's been a lot of sucking up and playing nice since then. i'm certain i'm not blameless in the situation, but no daughter-in-law should be hearing stuff like she is hated and she is inconsiderate because she values her job obligations over hosting and showing someone around. not after 2 years of marriage, at least

anyway i'm going to talk to my husband about this. if the situation is turning so rancid for everyone involved, he should be the one stepping in rather than leaving it to me to mend things. i'm not trying to create a bad situation for him but it's possible his family would take this better from him.
thank you anons again for the perspective and support!

No. 177132

Is it fixable or not? i.e. weightgain or unfitness is fixable. If it's fixable I'd try to go down the route of trying to fix it first.

No. 177142

The answer depends on many factors which I'm guessing you don't want to make public on here. Your age, history, length and type of your relationship, just for starters. It's a very complicated issue and best I can do is suggest checking Deadbedrooms over at reddit (yeah yeah I know)

But let me tell you one thing, from someone who's been on the other side. If you honestly can't see any possibility of your former attraction blossoming again, if you're not prepared to give it your best shot and making it work years and years forward, then leave. Read the stories from Deadbedrooms, this shit destroys people mentally if it's left ignored over the years.

No. 177150

Then break up. Men wouldnt stay with a girl if theyre not sexually attracted to them. Why would you? Do better

No. 177151

Men who watch porn are worthless and hes a lie. Dump him

No. 177152

Im convinced women love to be miserable. Its so funny how many stay in shitty relationships that make them sad enough to rant to strangers on lolcow just to say theyve got a man.
Enjoy your shitty relationship. You deserve your boyfriend

No. 177153

Based advice.

No. 177154

lesbian-chan is angry

No. 177155

lol mad much? loser

No. 177189

Aight I need serious help on how to NOT fuck it up with this guy. Have some greentext for backstory.
>we used to be in the same friend group years ago, rarely talked.
>matched on tinder last spring
>go on date, everything is great
>he is a legit busy person, I'm insecure and fuck it up
>he's honest and say no longer interested because my insecurity was off putting
>I respect that
>a few texts throughout the year, nothing noteworthy, I'm dating other people.
>still think about him occasionally
>asked if he wants to go rollerblading when the weather is nice (we went rollerblading by the beach on our first and only date lol)
>we're working on finding a day

A lot have happened since then, is there any way I can put myself in the position of romantic interest again without having a serious talk about what went wrong then?

My plan is to look extra cute and just have a good time. What should I avoid doing?
Also I know I'm pathetic

No. 177218

The past is the past, just let it be and remember that you can leave and forget about him at any time. You're not just auditioning, he's auditioning for you as well. You have options, anon, and you can make that clear to him by being extra cute and cool. Let him reach out for the next date.

No. 177324

Not really a relationship, but I've met a guy a couple of weeks ago and we pretty much hit it off immediately. He's handsome, nice, has a cute dog, puts in effort in planning our dates,… Then on our last date he made some remarks that were kind of sexist and that really rubbed me the wrong way. Turns out that he's a big Jordan Peterson fan and parrots basically anything the guy is saying. I absolutely despise Jordan Peterson and up until now saw liking him as a major red flag that would have turned me away from any guy. But now I'm conflicted, because the guy I'm seeing seems like such a good guy otherwise.. I'm not sure if I should dump him immediately or if I should wait a little bit longer to see how compatible we are otherwise? Then again I feel like our values are so different it could never work out.

No. 177331

Lol girl you about to ger pumped and dumped/bread crumbed. When men really want a woman they will not leave your ass alone and if they arent calling/texting they will inform you that they're doing something before they disappear for long periods of time. Get out while you still can.

No. 177333

>big Jordan Peterson fan and parrots basically anything the guy is saying
If he's really just parroting what he says without reflecting/questioning his viewpoints than I'd say it's a red flag

No. 177334

So you've established that he's both misogynistic and can't think for himself. You really want to date a guy like that? Just because in the sea of braindead moids, this one bothers to wash under his arms before he sees you? I don't know how you can speak so highly of him when he's already openly sexist. It's been less than a month and he's revealed that he thinks you're subhuman.

Trust your instincts on this one. Trust your instincts wherever men are concerned, honestly. In times of durress, you and your partner need to share the same values for any hope of survival. You deserve so much better, Anon.

No. 177338

I am debating whether or not I should reach out to a former friend for reconcilliation after a falling out. We had been friends for 15 years prior and at times it was not the healthiest dynamic but we had some good times.

The final fight honestly wasn't even over something major but had been building up for some time due to incidents in the past. We both had fault and we cut each other off. It's since been a year and a half since we last spoke. The friend made an passive aggressive attempt to "talk" through a third party last year which I chose to ignore. If we are to talk, it will be an honest conversation and not through some manipulative mind game.

After therapy and introspection, I've grown and healed from a lot of my past and am considering extending an olive branch out to said friend to see if we can reconnect. Though I'm not sure if this is a good idea, that maybe I'm just doing this because I miss the good times without considering the bad. I would like a healthy friendship with them if they are open but I do not want to get dragged into the same toxic dynamic we had before.

No. 177340

A red flag is a red flag, doesn't matter how many other good things he had going for him. (And yes JP is disgusting.) I guarantee you there are other handsome, friendly men with pets out there who aren't into Mr. Toxic Masculinity 101. Those few traits you listed are so baseline that it really shows how low quality most men are that they would stand out. I know that sucks, but yeah, you should move on. You're not going to convince a misogynist that he should listen to your (a woman's) opinion.

No. 177341

Didn't you post this in another thread a while back? I agree with the anons that replied to you then: It sounds like while you've reflected and improved, this "friend" has not, as evidenced by their underhanded attempt to reach out. Let go of negative relationships. Sometimes you just grow out of people. It doesn't take away from the good times you had, but it also doesn't mean you should continue with a relationship that's just going to drag you down. You could be spending the time it would take to patch things up with someone who might betray you on yourself or friends who are healthier.

No. 177342

Girls I really need an advice.
I met a guy one year ago and we got to know each other and he started showing some signs until one day he saw my sister and complimented her looks and he never said anything nice to me before which really killed me. Please note that I have never been in a relationship with anyone before and we weren't in a relationship either but he made me feel like it. The days passed and I was feeling rather sad than happy most of the times but I couldn't cut connections with him. Nowadays he just ignores me and it still gets to me how awful he treated me and how he always talked about other girls. I really can't pull myself out of it please help I know it's toxic and damaging to me but I just can't stop.

No. 177343

You had a crush and nothing came of it, what else can you do but let go? It gets easier once it's happened a couple times.

No. 177367

I think it's better to leave things in the past anon and move on. I also had a friendship of 11 years that wasn't healthy either that I ended up dropping. They tried to reach out and make things work again after a decent amount of time had past and it turned out that even though I changed they hadn't at all and it was just the same negative shit all over again. You may be doing better but there's a good chance she isn't.

No. 177368

You can try, but prepare to bail if red flags start popping up

No. 177389

Yes I did. I guess I was hoping to hear some other opinions and see if there are any upsides to follow through but it has been almost an unanimous 'don't do it'. It's overly optimistic and borderline delusional of me to expect that friend to match me in my growth. I guess I just miss the times we used to share.

I think you'd be right about them not improving and dragging me back into the same shit. It's hard to move on from such a long history though.

I think I will listen to the other anons and pass.

Thanks anons

No. 177391

>liking jordan peterson is reason to break up with a guy
you're all going to end up miserable cat ladies

No. 177396

unironically yes. sign of low iq.

No. 177397

I can't seem to trust my boyfriend. Everytime we have arguments he will bring up about us not being compatible or maybe we should break up. He promised he wouldn't do it again and cried with me when he saw how heartbroken I got with him bringing these ideas up. But then he did it again and this time he seemed less remorseful and tried to just rationalize why he brought up breaking up. We kind of made up but I still felt nervous and upset. For some reason during the cool down conversation he kept bringing up all these deal breakers out of nowhere and I don't get why, some I already knew but others that were completely new and contradicted some other things he said earlier on in the relationship. Like I fit none of these but it made me feel on edge and just like why is he bringing this up now when I am so upset because I thought he wanted to end the relationship? Is he somehow looking for a way out but doesn't know how. Honestly my deal breaker is people threatening breaking up and I have broken up with someone before asap when they did that but with him I keep giving him second chances and I don't know why. I just feel so anxious and on edge all the time now, I don't know what to do. I think I need to break up with him but it's so hard.

No. 177399


I once dated a guy like that, anon. He had his issues, and always seemed like he had one foot out the door.

In a nearly two year period, he broke up with me, twice. Days later rescinding his break up. It was bizarre.

After the first break up, my trust was entirely broken. I’m not sure why I stayed beyond low self esteem. But, I did break up with him in what was our third, and final break up.

With more distance and clarity, having those circular arguments where he wasn’t “sure” of things, or damaging the trust in the relationship wasn’t worth it. At all.

It seemed like either he didn’t know what he wanted, or was too afraid to “be the bad guy”- which, while being dumped is painful, it’s rarely a bad thing.

You’re opening up the door for someone to really love you.

I don’t know wether or not you should break up with your boyfriend, but the crux of the issue seems to be that he doesn’t know either what he wants, or even how to articulate it. You don’t have to wait around for him to figure it out.

No. 177402

if a man looks to someone who went on an all meat diet he is unsalvageable. cats are actual carnivores at least.

No. 177404

Why are we obligated to keep dating retards? I’d be much happier with cats than a grown ass man that needs JP to tell him to clean his room.

No. 177408

I'd hate dating anyone who's into philosophical and motivational bullshit. Most people I know who religiously watch/read that kind of shit are mentally ill and don't have enough social skills (which is the reason why they worship people like Jordan Peterson who say the most basic and obvious stuff). I once dated a working class guy who only cared about his paycheck and sex, and tbh it was the best dating experience I had. No bullshit. Amazing sex. Knows how to take care of a woman. 10/10 would date again, especially over any Jordan Peterson worshipping manchild.

No. 177423

scrote is seething because an animal that shits in a box makes a better companion than most human males

No. 177429

Fun story, my ex (who was also a big fan of JP) and I took a mensa iq test just for funsies and he got so pissed that I scored higher than him. He also kept saying I weren't very "agreeable" and my ESL ass still don't understand what that means

No. 177432

It's scrote code for "She didn't kiss my unwashed ass 24/7"

No. 177433

> JP wrote Wash Your Penis book, stole half of his "philosophy" from the first page of Google
> genuinely believes that women should never be friends with eachother, can't make jokes and that they are always hysterical
> Claims that woman is crazy if she doesn't want to sit at home all the time, same with women who don't want to have kids before 30 or not have kids at all
> Ended up being in a coma because he ate only meat 24 7
> Is all about tradthottery yet his own daughter is a sex worker
Yeah…I will definitely date some retard who takes this bullcrap seriously. And there's even more, it's just a tip of iceberg. If you really need more info go Google, you weirdo.

No. 177434

I'll take that as a compliment

No. 177437

Any schizoid anons in a relationship here? There's this guy I've been friends for years and he recently made a move on me, making it very clear that he's into me and I'm torn. On one hand I always hear that trying new experiences is good for you, that experiencing love makes you discover unknown parts of yourself… but on the other hand I feel like it could end up in a disaster. I could go on my entire life without sex or romance and I'm not sure if I'd be able to put efforts in a relationship, I just prefer to be by myself and I've always firmly intended to build my life around a solitary lifestyle.

No. 177438

I had an argument with my boyfriend and he went completely no contact for over 10 days. I don't really think that is okay, although in hindsight it did feel like there was a lot of tension and it was good to be away from that for a bit. I was also a lot less miserable than expected. He told me before that I have no life because I hang out with him so much - but this made me realize that isn't even true, I was hanging out with friends more, I continued working out, playing games and drawing which were already my main hobbies. I didn't even have one day of lying in bed feeling useless or something.

I did send him a message asking him to at least not ghost me but to tell me what is up because I just wanted to know what was going on so I could work on moving on or whatever. He ignored that initially. He is really important to me, but this time also showed me that my life doesn't fall apart without him.

Anyway, yesterday he replied to my message and said I'm not being ghosted and that it has been great to spend time by himself. This was after 2 weeks of him not talking to me at all, I think at that point it was normal for me to assume that he was ghosting me, idk. Wtf am I supposed to say to that? I still want to talk things over with him, but I was having a good day yesterday and just didn't feel like bothering with it and also wasn't sure what to say.

No. 177439

Dump him

No. 177440

You felt great without him, he felt great without you – what's there to think about? Why waste your time with him?

No. 177441

Girl just tell him you realized you don't need him in your life. If he wants to be with you, he can stop playing with your feelings and start acting like an adult. Sometimes it's good to walk away and have space, but only really if it's established that that is what's happening. He ghosted you and expected you to listen better and play nice when he got back cause he thinks you're nothing without him. Not to be that bitch but dump his manipulative ass.

No. 177442

He's showing you he doesn't care about you, and also mocks you for being invested him. What do you need advice for? Dump him, and don't get emotional over it either. He wants to play games and make you lose your shit over him, but clearly you're fine without him.

No. 177444

Anon, he ignored you for TWO WEEKS. I'm fucking begging you to dump him.

No. 177445

I mean I just miss doing things with him. Aside from these types of things he is fun to be around. But rn I feel pretty anxious about actually talking and I don't know. I'm a bit scared about resolving things and then having issues like we did in the past again. I still miss hanging out with him though. But I was always afraid of him leaving like this and when it actually happened it wasn't that bad.

No. 177447

I will pay you to dump him anon. Don't talk things out with him. Just be a shit and send a text saying you felt great without him and that you want to break up

No. 177448

>aside from these types of things

Him ignoring you like that and then telling you you're not being ghosted is insane behavior. The fact that you're doubting that you were in fact being ghosted is infuriating. He needs therapy and you need to dump him. Jfc I hate scrotes and the way they manipulate and scramble women's brains.

No. 177450

Yeah I mean it sucked that I sent him a really non-emotional message to ask him to be direct with me and he even ignored that for a couple of days before he replied. Why drag it out like that if he ended up replying anyway? I think it's fine to be by yourself for a while, though this long is weird when you're supposed to be in a relationship with someone, but okay, maybe this is the only way he can deal with conflicts. But it's not a huge effort to reply that you're still thinking or something. I mean, what would happen if we lived together and had more commitments or something? (Not that I want kids or whatever). Would he just walk out and come home whenever? I find that kind of concerning. I don't have a lot of experience with relationships and he frequently called me insane for talking about my emotions and clingy so now I'm even like, maybe disappearing for so long is normal. But I still feel like I wouldn't do that to someone I cared about.

No. 177451

Seriously this >>177440
Stop acting like you have kids and a mortgage with this scrote. Don’t put yourself through shit for no fucking reason.

No. 177452

It's not normal. Leave him. I don't know what else to tell you.

No. 177454

You're asking all the right questions but come to the wrong conclusion. Disappearing for so long on someone out of nowhere isn't normal. You feel like you wouldn't do that to someone because you're not supposed to.

No. 177466

Anon, if you're still there I could really stand to talk to someone right now. The situation is so much worse than what I said so far.

No. 177480

>I mean I just miss doing things with him
You can do things with other people, anon. Just because he's a warm body to go out with doesn't make him special

No. 177579

Sorry if I mess anything up, first post. (I usually just lurk, but I really don't have anyone to ask about this lol.)

My boyfriend has a friend (girl) who he met through a ttrpg discord, and it makes me uncomfortable. I can't tell if it's normal or insane of me to feel weird about it. She sends him messages like all the time, and has admitted to having a crush on him. She'll call him pet names and send flirty emojis/lots of pictures of herself (not sure if he asked)/messages about sex stuff (not sure to what extent). They have watched anime for hours together when I'm not there/asleep (he says because he wants to spend all the time he has with me With Me, which I believe). He says he assumed that girls just act like this as close friends, so has been ok with it. She admitted to the crush knowing that he has a gf, and will ask about me sometimes. I just find the whole thing super weird (I really don't think most people admit to having crushes on monogamous people without some ill intent, especially since she's constantly messaging and spending time with him, which doesn't make it seem like she's trying to get past it). He doesn't, but is willing to quit talking to her if I am seriously bothered, and has offered several times. (If anything WERE going on, i do not think telling him to stop would matter; if he wasn't entertaining it, I wouldn't care what she said, so I have said no.)

I say "not sure to what extent" because I finally asked him to show me their dms. He agreed to, but was scrolling really fast through all of it. I asked to see specifically the part where she admitted to having a crush on him, and he only showed me the single message in the search results. He says he's embarrassed about the way he talks around her, which I understand and want to respect (everyone talks differently around some people). At the time, it made me feel better, but I'm already anxious about it again. I don't want to look just for the reason that I don't trust him, because I really want to. I FEEL like i do. He's truly wonderful, takes care of me, I believe that he loves me more than anything. I have looked at his stuff before out of fear, and don't want to do it again. I feel like I trust him, and want to rely on that feeling, because relationships are built from that. We've been dating 3 years and live together pretty much; it feels ridiculous that I feel so anxious about it… but I do. It feels like my gut is trying to tell me that I'm wrong. It's not like this stuff doesn't happen when people have been together this long, live together, seem to be solid together, etc. etc. I just don't know what's right to feel. I feel cucked and disrespected just because she's doing it, and even if I believe that he wouldn't play along with her and jeopardize what we have, I don't know what boundaries he's drawing, and can't tell if he will when things go too far. I can't tell him to stop talking to her either way (if theyre just friends that's insane, if they're not it'll keep happening somewhere I definitely can't see). I want to love and trust him, be good to him, but I don't want to be a fucking cuck because I'm trying to be Cool Girl Gf. Help

No. 177588

First of all, you are not insane! This is seriously unsettling and in your position, I would feel just as anxious and uncomfortable and unsure. I think it's a huge red flag that he agreed to show you their DMs but then chickened out halfway (by scrolling fast, not showing his response to her confession, etc).

YMMV of course, but after just one year of dating, my partner and I had already moved well beyond being "embarrassed" by anything. Some things are harder to admit to than others, but if there's nothing going on, then why should he feel ashamed? More than anything, he needs to be completely honest with you.

I'm sorry Anon but it sounds like he's cheating. While it's normal to have female friends, usually said friend is not so brazen in her affections. And taken men certainly don't spend time with them alone, for hours, having what boils down to the Discord e-dating version of "Netflix and chill."

>I can't tell him to stop talking to her either way (if theyre just friends that's insane, if they're not it'll keep happening somewhere I definitely can't see).

You're right that if he's cheating, he'll just continue to do it behind your back. But what do you mean you can't tell him to stop? You said earlier in your post that he's already offered multiple times.

No. 177594

Ok Ok Fuck i’m so mad Lmfaaoooo

WHY is it that when women get upset/uncomfortable with their boyfriends watching porn that it’s put on the woman as being jealous or insecure? LIKE YEAH?? WE ARE?? Because porn and societal standards and MEN in particular fucking make us have to achieve a certain standard. Of fucking course we are going to be jealous when we can’t meet men’s standards— esp when it’s someone we care about. it’s fucking retarded. and women who agree with the men make me even more pissed because shut the fuck up thanks.

i’m just tired of dating scrotes who think like this. back to women

No. 177599

Uh, anon, you're waaaaay too patient and understanding, and I think you already know you shouldn't. It's disrespectful to you for your boyfriend to continue to entertain such behavior from his female friend. If he cut it short the second she confessed - not even in a sense of cutting contact with her but asking her to respect his relationship and you by not being flirty and getting over this crush, it would be maybe acceptable (I'd still be insecure, but can see how that would show good intentions on his part); he clearly lets her be flirty, talk about inappropriate things, send her photos etc, which is in my opinion definitely crossing healthy boundaries. Even if he has no intention to physically cheat on you and he's only stroking his ego in this way, it's disrespectful. The fact he spends time with her only when you're not there also may come of as a nice gesture to fully devote his time to you when you're together, but think about it - normally a partner would want to introduce their friends and spend time together if nothing is up, right? Maybe not always but sometimes. Did he ever suggest you play some games or watch shows with him and that woman?

At this point I think I'd take him up on that offer to completely cut ties with her or at least have him clearly communicate to her that her behavior is unnaceptable and cannot continue, with you having an insight into at least this specific conversation; and then see how things go from that point on. With a clear set boundaries it will be much easier for you to tell whether he is honest with you and ready to choose you over her or not.

No. 177600

Anon this is super sketchy and you are definitely not wrong for feeling anxious and uncomfortable about it! That they are constantly talking, watching anime together, that she flirts and talks about sex and that he won't show you the messages in there entirety because he's "embarrassed about the way he talks around her" are all big red flags.

If your boyfriend respects your relationship he should have stopped this as soon as it started, it's not cool to let someone who's admitted to having a crush on you just continually flirt and call you pet names when you're in a relationship. If you care about your relationship you would set a boundary with that person and not let them disrespect your partner in that way. That he didn't do that says to me he is entertaining her and likes the attention at the very least if he's not outright cheating. And I think you have every right to have an issue with that and ask him not to speak to her anymore, as he has offered.

No. 177601

>But what do you mean you can't tell him to stop? You said earlier in your post that he's already offered multiple times.
If she's only acting weird and he isn't really entertaining it, it feels controlling to tell him to ditch the friendship, and I'm not interested in doing that. If he's cheating, I'd rather it be something that I could stumble upon, so I can leave before any real damage is done. I can't control his actions either way, so I'd rather not make the relationship harder by controlling who he can be friends with if things are really ok.

I'm not sure if I should consider continuing to talk to her without drawing any clear boundaries "entertaining it"… and I don't want to violate his privacy to scour for any wrongdoing on his part! I want to trust him! But I'm scared, and it's so weird seeming that it's hard to not be worried about it.

No. 177602

But he IS entertaining it if he let's her continuously do so. Do you think he'd be cool if you had a guy-friend in love with you, calling you pet names and spending hours with you on the phone talking about sex or whatever? Best case scenario he's just letting her be like this and doing nothing to stop it, but worst case scenario he's actively encouraging her, and you can't know which one it is given he didn't actually let you look at the messages (which makes me think it's the latter, at least sometimes).

No. 177603

I think you are might be trying too hard to be a Cool Girlfriend right now. Your gut says something is wrong. A few people now have agreed. You aren't being controlling or insane or overly anxious to want to have a frank conversation with him about boundaries with this person. If he hasn't told her "Hey, I'm not comfortable with you flirting with me as I'm in a relationship" that's absolutely entertaining it, at least in that allows this girl to think it's totally acceptable and not a problem for him. You don't necessarily need to scour for anything more than that if you don't want to, I think that's enough for you to be uncomfortable and to ask him to at the very least communicate to her that that behavior is not acceptable.

No. 177604

> I want to trust him! But I'm scared, and it's so weird seeming that it's hard to not be worried about it.
Don’t trust him, men are pigs. Listen to your gut feeling. After 3 years in a relationship with you he is enjoying this new girl stroking his ego. Turn it around and make him the weird one by being concerned about him feeling embarrassed about the messages

No. 177605

>Turn it around and make him the weird one by being concerned about him feeling embarrassed about the messages
Clever, consider this OP

No. 177606

Normally this is what I'd do :( but I love him so much. I've done plenty of this with previous partners, always looked out for myself, was never jealous because it's not my problem if someone leaves me… but this time I'm terrified. I want to trust him and make it forever with him. I guess part of me really doesn't want to know any more (by asking for a boundaries conversation where I'm present, by asking to really see, by looking without permission) because it feels like nobody isn't fucked up and a cheater if he's fucked up and a cheater with me. I want to have hope for people. (Not just a het girl simping for men thing, I've had worse cheating gfs.)

No. 177607

Ultimately it's your choice, I hope you find some comfort in seeing we all agree here that your worries are valid. Don't be afraid to look out for yourself when you feel uncomfortable, but of course don't do anything against yourself just because imageboard tells you so. Good luck either way!

No. 177608

Dump him. You can get a man who know how to make you and his side bitch feel secure in the relationship<3

No. 177610

I really appreciate this (and all the other responses, I really needed some insight here because I am mindbroken from being online in schizoid male spaces/can't view this outside of the context of the relationship very well). Thank you anons

This is a fair enough point lol.

No. 177620

> is willing to quit talking to her if I am seriously bothered, and has offered several times.
Nonononono, don't let him throw the ball into your court and make you out to be the "bad guy". He should've been drawing boundaries THE MOMENT she confessed to him. The only reason he's talking to her still is because he likes the attention, and that's incredibly disrespectful to you. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if it was a normal friendship with a girl (as much as farmers here like to say they don't exist, they do), but it's fucking not and HE KNOWS THIS WTF

No. 177647


OP listen to this for real, I'd dump the guy but it's so suspicious that he made excuses to not show you his responses….incredibly so. I think you need to see what he's really said and I think you deserve better if your (and our…) guts are right.

No. 177649

Whenever I cry my boyfriend withholds affection from me and basically refuses to talk to me unless I beg him to have a conversation. For example, I was upset about something yesterday and he said he was going to call me to comfort me and once he heard I was crying he told me he was going to hang up because he can't comfort me if I'm acting batshit. There was also a time when I was supposed to see him, we are ldr, and I made him aware that I was pretty anxious about life issues and that I may be a bit anxious around him. He made me cancel the flight tickets and said he can't be around me when I'm anxious because it'll make him anxious. He also expects me to comfort him when he is feeling down and often complains that I don't do enough to help but it seems like he mostly refuses to comfort me. He also will refuse to comfort me by saying that what he does will not help anyway so its pointless and he will basically become cold and angry at me for wanting comfort and it causes arguments. I may sound dumb but is this abusive? I am only starting to feel like this is a problem.

No. 177653

Yes. Yes it is. He is a narcissist and sounds really insecure. If he cared he wouldn't need a signal or a request to comfort you, he would've done it naturally. Run girl

No. 177670

Imagine if you guys were friends. Just a normal friendship. Would you accept behaviour like this from a friend? You probably wouldn't, because it only takes without giving.

No. 177671

No. 177690

That is absolutely a problem. He probably thinks your feelings/problems are dumb and hes are the ones that matter. I had a bf like that and it also got worse with abuse later. Pls dump.

No. 177693

Absolutely a narcissist, yes. Imagine having a long term relationship with this guy. How could you live together, get married, raise children, etc. if he shuts down the moment he sees tears? What's the point of having a life partner if you can't trust them with your worries, and can only ask for their help on a condition? I hope the e-sex has been good at least because this is emotional abuse 101. As the other nonas advise: dump him. You deserve so much better.

No. 177735

My ex did this to me all the time. Yes, it was because he was a narcissist and he secretly loathed me because he was just using me for comfort/sex and didn't like that I was an actual human being.

No. 177758

Was I too harsh on my boyfriend? I've permanently barred him from driving MY car since he wanted to throw a fit because I wouldn't let him drive to a grocery store that was further our than our usual grocery store.

No. 177762

anon, no one should treat you like this. i don't care what backstory or diagnosed issue he has. take advantage of the fact that you are LDR and dump him. take this as a lesson that no one should make YOU feel crazy for having emotions everyone experiences. don't ever take him back.

No. 177814

If it's your car in your name, then yes you have full control of your own property. That's reasonable enough. I just wonder, what kind of "fit" did he throw? Why did he want to drive further away in the first place, and why was that a problem for you? Also, does he use your car for other reasons? How much will change if he stops using it?

No. 177915

My boyfriend is one of those naturally sarcastic and brutally honest people. They weren't this extreme before we started dating (or maybe I just never noticed) but sometimes they do it to the point of kinda hurting my feelings. I told them I don't like it when they go that far and asked if they could tone it down. They said "that's going to be hard since this is naturally who I am". I've only dated one other person before them so you could say I'm inexperienced.

Am I the weird one by expecting to be treated differently from other people or is this just one of those things/flaw you have to accept from your boyfriend?

No. 177921

If it hurts you and your bf has no intention of moderating his behaviour to not hurt you, he is not interested in your wellbeing.

No. 177926

"Brutally honest" people typically do it for the brutal part, and not the honest part. If he's making you feel bad, I don't think the relationship will last. Why would you want a partner who puts you down instead of helping you grow? Not to mention he himself is refusing to admit he's a prick and grow and work on it.

No. 177927

Your significant other is not supposed to bully you, ever! You're not weird for wanting preferential treatment from him or expecting him to be kind to you. Yet another red flag is that he's trying to shift the blame onto you. That interaction sounds like he's saying, "hurting you is an integral part of my personality. If you loved me, you wouldn't try to change me." And that's really fucked up. Best case scenario, you two are just incompatible and would have a more harmonious dynamic with other people. Worst case, he's a little bitch boy who thinks negging you is fun and he will only grow more abusive with time. Either way, your best option is to dump him and move on. You deserve to feel uplifted and supported by your partner, not shamed for the basic request that he treat you kindly.

No. 177928

This. It’s not that hard to be honest without being and asshole. I’m sure he’s not giving credit for positive things and is only using it as an excuse to talk shit

No. 177932

>>177921 This.
You've basically been told by your boyfriend "I know my behaviour hurts you and I have no intention of changing that", time to find a better bf.

Not to mention that
> this is who I naturally am
is just a bullshit reason to justify not having to change his behaviour. He has complete control over what he chooses to speak, it doesn't ~~naturally~~ roll out of his mouth beyond his control.

No. 177949

i can give you perspective from the other side; i used to be the 'brutally honest' person in our relationship and end up hurting my boyfriend because of it. i _also_ instinctively thought "this is naturally who/how i am" but once my boyfriend brought it to my attention how hurtful and bitchy this behavior could be, i knew the choice was between being a funny asshole who hurts her partner, or toning it down because it's a crap thing to do in the first place.
this was ages ago and since then i've naturally learned being an adult means tact and patience will always be superior to any definition of unfiltered honesty.
to sum it up, brutal honesty is not a great thing to boast of in the first place, and in the second place not being vile to your partner isn't that difficult. you're not in the wrong. if your boyfriend refuses to see this, he doesn't care for you the way you deserve.

No. 177951

anon it doesn't sound unreasonable, it's your car after all, but can i ask why he wanted to drive that far and why you don't want him to? like the other anon says, maybe you could consider what else he uses your car for and if this issue can lead to other problems between you.

No. 178020

how do i tell my boyfriend that i'm not ready to have sex again? for context, we broke up, and i thought it was over for good since we broke up for something that was so trivial, and then we ended up getting back together a couple weeks later because he said he would change and compromise. however, our breakup did have a bit of a toll on me and i have NEVER gotten back together with an ex so this is a first, and i just don't feel that emotional safety again yet to have sex

No. 178021

Break up again and stay broken up

No. 178023

thanks but that's not what I asked

No. 178024

Literally just say what you've said here. "Our break up was difficult for me and I want to believe you're dealing with your issues, but I'm not ready to have sex again because it makes me feel too vulnerable. I'd appreciate if you didn't make any moves until I say otherwise." Also I hope y'all aren't living together because speaking from experience if you have good chemistry it will be almost impossible to resist if you're frequently in his presence. The shared history, lust and simple convenience is a really tough temptation to fight when it's being dangled right in front of you.

No. 178029

thank you, this is really helpful, i was unsure of how to phrase it. nope we don't live together. we got really handsy today because of everything you said but i definitely don't want sex as of now.

No. 178160

I need to break up with my boyfriend urgently.

I know my life's circumstances are making it impossible for me to care even for myself, so I feel far from fit for being a relationship. I need time to focus on myself and the issues I'm facing at the moment (work, health issues w/ family, studies).

The problem is: I have no idea of how to say that without sounding like an asshole. My boyfriend constantly reminds me of how horrible and nightmarish it'd be if I ever broke up with him (we're dating for 6 months) and how miserable and lonely his life would be without me.

He's very insecure and I don't feel like I have any condition of giving him any reassurance.

Not to mention that, whenever I vent a bit about what's going on at the moment, he either replies with "it will be fine" or starts to complain of his own life. Once in a while he tries to give me some support, but I know he also isn't in the best shape to do that.

While I'm sure it'd be for the best (and to not make the suffering last longer than it should), I have a strong feeling it will be really difficult to have this conversation with him, since he apparently believes it's best to stay together rotting in misery than splitting and doing some self care.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this situation? Thanks

No. 178164

Don't play nice and be straight forward ie. "I don't want to be in a relationship WITH YOU anymore". Also he sound like a psycho so please take care of yourself and go no contact with him

No. 178174


My dear anon, I was in your position a while back and at the time I would put off the inevitable and obvious needed line of action because I dreaded the difficulty, and how my ex would react- like yours, he would suffocate me and constantly remind me of how terrible life would be if I left, he would threaten to off himself and he was physically and emotionally abusive towards me for the seven months I tolerated it.

You know something, anon? That fucker is out there, but he's alive and well and he's been outed now for supporting his rapist friends and enabling abusive behaviours, and him phoning me trying to convince me to stay and throwing EVERY guilt trip scenario in my face just for me to coldly shoot it down and tell him tough shit? Most enlightening experience. I glowed the fuck up, lost weight and had a much healthier life since I cut him off- this massive weight on my conscience that made my mental health worse. You don't see yourself with this guy and he sounds parasitic- you are not the asshole for being honest and do not let him tell you otherwise.

I say this as someone who had to give it a few goes before I managed because I'd get scared he would actually hurt me or himself if I did but you need to rip the bandaid off.

I recommend letting a few trusted close ones in your life know before you break up, make sure you can stay somewhere with them if you feel he's so intense he'll try to convince you, cut him off if you need to right now. You are in control of this break up, and therefore no matter how difficult this feels in your head, it's going to feel like a breeze once you're out. You're going to glow and you can focus on yourself and look after yourself. You owe yourself that and you don't need this guy draining you when he can barely comprehend your feelings or listen to you as the cherry on top of the massive cake of reasons why you're going to feel a million times better once it's done.

I wish you all the luck, you've got this.

No. 178180

I wrote about this before but my boyfriend ghosted me for ~2 weeks after we had an argument. From what he said then it sounded like he was really considering leaving me. He said he’d call me later though to talk about things, but obviously I didn’t think later meant 2 weeks of no contact later. He ended up calling me a couple of days ago, but I just couldn't talk about our issues and was afraid he’d say he didn’t want to be with me anymore, so I started talking to him about random things that happened while he was gone. He was really nice and sounded happy to hear from me.

That was on Saturday and since then he is back to talking to me, though I guess things still feel a little weird. Yesterday I asked if he wanted to hang out in a call like we usually do and he did. He’s been sending me links to stuff and other things he usually does, and he was asking me if I’ve been practicing my hobbies. Do you think that means he will stay with me? Obviously he had no problem ignoring me for a long time so I assume he wants to talk to me again, but I don’t want to ask him directly because it’s nice to just chill instead of talking about problems. I know I’ll get told to break up with him but I don’t want to. Him not being around sucked but I also feel like being away from him for a bit made me understand my issues with our relationship more and I think I have a better mindset about it now. I know he won't get sympathy here lol but I want to be with him, but I just feel a bit uncertain about what is going on. I feel like if he wanted to be gone he would be by now though.

No. 178181


What did the argument centre around?

No. 178182

Talk to him about it very directly. I completely understand the need of distancing oneself from your partner to stabilize emotions so in a way I understand why he did what he did, but it's not okay he basically ghosted you and is not adressing it now. Tell him he needs to be very clear with you if he needs space so you don't have to feel insecure about it.

No. 178187

He said I'm too dependent on him and we had some recurring problems, and he got paranoid that I'd get vengeful which I would never, but he is always paranoid about people in this way, I just thought I was excluded because he should know I would never try to fuck up his life even if he left me. I do have abandonment issues and had problems with him wanting to leave a call with no explanation or not calling me without him telling me he won't. But he doesn't like explaining himself and I think it became too pressurizing for him. But I've been alone for a while and I realized that it's not the end of the world if I'm not in a call with him for 8 hours every day and I think I can handle this better now and give him more space in general.

I understand that is how he deals with problems and it happened in the past. It just never happened for this long and he never said he might leave me before this. I don't really want to ask him because I just want things to improve and not cause a conflict because he has a tendency to feel questioned or like he doesn't want to feel like he owes me an explanation. But tbh I talked so much about this with friends that I no longer feel the need to discuss it with him if he is going to stay anyway. I'm just interested if it looks like he wants to stay, because I deal with problems really differently than him so maybe someone here understands it more, like you said distancing yourself helps you - I'm not like that, though in this case it did help me as well, even if it wouldn't have been my preferred way to handle things.

No. 178188

If my boyfriend stopped speaking to me for 2 weeks I would have shown up at his house worried that he died. That is honestly really uncool for him to do without warning. I understand it might be easier to just let it go and not talk about it but if this is someone you hope to be with for any meaningful amount of time both of you need to get used to confronting problems and instead of avoiding them (or each other).

No. 178189


I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this anon is right, my longtime ex repeated this behaviour until it destroyed us and on top of it he cheated- we broke up for 9 months and got back together and I thought he'd changed but then he'd ghost me every weekend or every time he felt like avoiding responsibility. If your boyfriend can't comprehend why holing off to that degree is unhealthy then I'd be worried if I were you…. my current partner, we've been together about a year and we're both ASD, he has shutdowns and maybe he'll go quiet for a day if things get overwhelming for him but the one time he shut off for multiple days he came back a mess apologizing like crazy because he realized how much distance that was and he missed me, I know you're trying to process that absence and you probably feel defensive because he ghosted you but he really has no excuse. I also feel he seems abrupt? I hope there is no hidden reason but I can imagine your frustration. You guys shouldn't have to sweep that under the rug, two weeks is ages.

No. 178191

He is pretty rigid about some things and I don't think those things will ever really change, but I want to be with him regardless of them because overall I'm happy with him. A lot of things about him aren't easy to deal with in a relationship. He is open to talking about things sometimes, but usually I initiate it. This is one of the few times I feel better just not dealing with it because I just want things to improve and I know he usually doesn't do well with talking about problems. And before I usually really wanted to discuss something so I risked it becoming a conflict, but now I feel better to not really talk about this because I don't feel like I'm suppressing something.

In the beginning of our relationship he used to put me on pretty long time outs, the longest was like a week but it's not like it never happened. He stopped doing that eventually, though he said a few times that he needs more time alone, and I always said sure just asked him to tell me beforehand, but he didn't like that because he didn't want to explain himself. But then he just always called me anyway. The only difference between those times and this was that with the time outs I knew he'd come back, this time I wasn't sure because he was talking about possibly leaving.

No. 178192

Judging from what you're describing, he seems to be the avoidant personality type. You need to be very careful around those people because their attachment style is wildly different than most people's. Especially if you have abandonment issues anon. By the looks of it, he's also a bit emotionally immature, maybe not knowing how to properly work with his attachment style with others or how to properly teach you his live language. With him feeling pressured when giving explanations, it's a recurring trait in avoidant people, but he needs to realise that some things must be explained on his end, so you two can communicate effectively. You're willing to give him space but he also needs to inform you whenever he needs downtime, it's always a give and take motion, and if he isn't really down to give you anything to work with you will suffer a lot. You don't want to be stuck sweeping things under the rug just to avoid potential conflict. Maybe now you feel comfortable, but in the future, will you be able to put in all that emotional labour? I strongly advise looking into people with avoidant personality and see how well your boyfriend matches the description, you know him better than we do.

No. 178196

Would a man not talk to his dream girl for 2 weeks and make her suffer? Would a man complain that his dream girl is too dependent on him? You are just a warm body to give him sex and female attention, he doesn't care about you as a person.
This. Basically he's a pathetic excuse for a man who will avoid every single issue instead of being direct and putting in effort to make the both of you happy. The type of men who just should just women alone and jerk off alone in their basements.

No. 178198

He is definitely avoidant, I read about this before I'm just not sure how to deal with it, because the lot of the advice I read was just to not be with someone who is avoidant and find someone secure instead. It's weird because in my previous relationships I was more fearful avoidant and always felt the need to nope out when I felt like someone was getting attached to me even if I wanted a relationship - though he is the only person I loved (romantically I mean), and with him I'm definitely have an anxious attachment style. I'm really willing to work on it though. People close to me generally want me to find someone else but it's okay. It's really hard for me to get attached to someone. It took me a year until I felt like I loved him and took me even longer to admit it. He means a lot to me. I think he handles a lot of things like a dumbass and it can be hurtful, but I think recently I wasn't mindful enough of how things were affecting him because from my perspective a lot of it was really irrational. Like he worried I'd threaten him with suicide if he tried to leave. I would never do that and never gave any signs that I would, but he had a relationship where that happened, but I didn't know he had fears like that about me.

No. 178200

I have been in a long relationship with a distant type as well, I can empathize with you. I think it's great that you're more self aware and adress your own flaws. The best advice I can give you (same one I received) is to let him come to you and open up to you on his own terms - kind of like loving a cat. Pay attention to his non-verbal cues and how he behaves. In terms of voicing your own issues, keep it simple and sweet, and provide reassurence; always have a positive outlook on each difficult situation you are in so you don't make him retreat into his shell because he expects conflict. Lay the groundwork to a sheltering environment and make yourself an example in how you wish to be treated (he will graudally learn your love language and get accustomed to it) so he will feel more comfortable with opening up. Avoid conflict by reminding him you both are a team and instead of fighting against eachother, fight together against an issue. You might already know all this, I don't know details of your situation, but I hope it helps. It's also important to note that he most likely will not change 100%, he will still be avoidant and cryptic in many instances, and you will need to be prepared for those times.

No. 178208

Thank you, it is helpful. I think I made the mistake of seeing his behavior as a flaw, like yeah he sucks at dealing with conflicts but I always took that as him being too lazy and selfish to deal with my problems. I mean maybe that is partially true but I also realize it must've sucked for him to keep expecting a conflict to happen if that is something he really dislikes. And I was really afraid of giving him space the way he wanted it. I don't think the 2 week ghosting was great but it helped in the sense that before, at least more recently we were always close to a conflict and I couldn't really think about things because I was always worried about his behavior etc. Just being away for a bit I think helped to calm things down and hopefully made him see that I wouldn't go insane even if he did want to leave.

No. 178209


I slept with a coworker. I know.

>>at work party(dont worry, no ‘rona in my country atm so its permitted)

>>get shitfaced and flirt mutually with coworker
>>agree to share cab with him and another coworker
>>third coworker exits cab at different location
>>go back to his place
>>have sex twice, he lasts a whole minute both times(lol)
>>lowkey scared hes a virgin because he seemed really inexperienced, is only 21 and came THAT fast
>>agree to keep it a secret
>>cue existential dread

I am besides my fucking self, i am terrified hes gonna tell someone(mainly other coworkers). My reputation at work and in general(small shitty country, everyone knows everyone and slut shaming is rampant and if you are labled a “whore” you are not a human really) will be ruined.

There is no evidence(no texts, not friends on fb etc) except for the guy we shared a cab with.

And i evil if i simply just deny it didnt happen(incase it gets out)? Because im scared that if he is a virgin that it make him lash out or something due to being hurt.

Help me farmers…

No. 178212

I'm sure he's probably embarrassed by how fast he came and how inexperienced he seemed and wouldn't want anyone knowing about that so I wouldn't worry too much about him saying anything. If he does then yeah I don't see any harm in just denying it, he would deserve it anyways for spreading it around after agreeing to keep it secret.

No. 178213

I don't know the guy, but honestly with that 1 min performance (twice lol) he's probably not feeling great about himself and won't tell anyone lest you out him as the lousy lover he is.

No. 178216

Okay, thats a good point, hes probably embarassed too.
I’m also worried about the other coworker we shared a cab with and if he had any suspicions, i have no idea if i handled it “elegantly” or if it was obvious since i was extremely drunk.

But just deny it right? There isnt really any “evidence” besides that, and he cant know for sure if i did go back to his place (i think)

No. 178217

Lmao, i freaking hope so. I just regret it so much, i mean hes really cute and a nice guy so i dont want to hurt his feelings, i just want to keep it secret.

No. 178250

Don't be scared of sonic pp. I would be worried about the 3rd guy in the cab

No. 178252

Anons, how difficult it was for you to go no-contact with one of your parents? (in this case, specifically with father)

A friend of mine got a shitty father that left their family 10 years ago for the other woman, and the way he acts towards his previous marriage kids is very abusive and questionable.

He always invites them to come over, talk and stuff like that, just to end up targeting one of them as a mental torture. He would always find something bad in anything, and he would make sure to tell you that. But not in a grumpy way, more of a 'smug asshole' way.

He cares about them, he really does, but it's always only them being a target of his toxicity. He would not be ashamed to talk shit about one of them and their job or life choices, which makes them uncomfortable as hell.

And I just thought… Maybe I could try telling my friend to try going no-contact with him&

The sad part is that if this friend will start venting and talking about the way she feels towards it, it is clearly obvious that he will accept it, but then he will start targeting the other child to the max.

I just feel bad for this friend and I personally went no-contact with my mother for two years now, without any dramas or anything. I just stopped talking to her at all. Yep, it drives my mother crazy but i do not care and never lured myself into her traps which she tried to make in order to reach out to me again.

If that helps, he acts nice towards his other marriages kid and buys him anything (By that, I mean anything. This kid got 4 gaming pcs and 2 VRs, including the super expensive valve one.), and his wife is a nice woman, but she is also very strict and it's obvious how a person would feel about the other marriages kids.

I do not know, it's a difficult situation, especially because the father always invites the whole family (not previous wife ofc LOL) on hang-outs, xmas and stuff like that.

No. 178302

I have a crush on my boyfriends best friend and I don't know what to do.

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. Things started out great but slowly things have declined over the years. We've been in a dead bedroom situation for 4 years. All of this is mostly due to his bad mental health and a lack of mental health resources where he lives. I know he struggles a lot so I'm patient and help as much as I can, but the lack of intimacy really gets to me. For the past year, he's also been getting more irritable and it's tiring to walk on egg shells around him. Don't get me wrong, we have fun together and there's a lot I love about him, but overall, this relationship weighs on me a lot.

I've known his best friend for awhile but never got to hang out with him much until the past few months. He's great, we have a lot in common, he makes me laugh, etc. I find myself thinking about him constantly and daydreaming about dating him. I don't know if he feels the same way about me, but he does lean on me for support when he's upset, wants us to learn to cook together, wants to go on fun road trips and adventures, etc. He makes me feel desired and really happy again.

His best friend and I are moving in together soon to save money on rent since we're both broke and can't find other roommates, and this is where my complicated feelings come into play. I can't help but wonder what it'd be like with someone else, now that I've met someone who makes me feel excited again. I miss being intimate, wanted, and needed. I know nothing will come of this. Neither of us (assuming he felt the same way) would want to hurt my boyfriend, and somehow the fact that it'll never happen hurts.

How do I deal with these feelings? I feel like it's eating me up inside.

No. 178304

Why are you and your current boyfriend still together tho? And how does he feel about you moving in with his best friend?

No. 178305

Maybe you shouldn't be with your current boyfriend anymore. It sounds like you're staying with him more because of familiarity and putting him first, I mean I'm sure you care about him but it doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship anymore.

No. 178306

Why are you moving in with the best friend guy not your boyfriend? Is this an LDR situation?
This said, 4 years out of 6 of a dead bedroom would be enough for anyone to get out of a relationship. You have every right to want to feel desired and courted, and it's only natural you'd look to the next closest person to fulfill these needs. Instead focusing on your little crush though you should really think through these feelings and whether you really want to keep your relationship going - if you just ignore your problems or 'blame' them on said crush, you'll inevitably end up doing something you'll regret and that will really hurt your bf. Maybe it will be better for you both if you consider breaking up. I'd definitely not tempt the fate by moving in with the friend though, sounds like disaster in the making.

No. 178307

My boyfriend is actually really happy that we're moving in together, because he plans to also move in with us at a later time and he's excited for all of us to live together under one roof.

I guess I am kind of holding on because I don't have many other friends and no family and I'm scared to lose him, since he's been such a constant in my life for years. I also worry about him a lot. I know it'd be devastating to him if we broke up and he doesn't really have any support either. In some ways, I think our relationship is a little co-dependent.

Sorry if I didn't explain things well enough. Yeah, we are in a LDR at the moment. I would never cheat on my boyfriend since I've been cheated on in the past and know what it's like. My feelings about his best friend have just brought all my negative feelings about my relationship to the surface and it's depressing and confusing.

No. 178308

Even if I’m personally against it, maybe a poly situation could work for you guys? Does your bf know about your needs that are not being met?

No. 178310

Doesn't sound like you're in love with him tbh, just that you're getting lost in the sunk-cost fallacy. I'd discuss your feelings about the relationship with him and seek solutions, otherwise you should dump him to save you both the long, drawn-out heartache

No. 178311

We actually did have an open relationship for awhile but I never found anyone I was interested in. We eventually closed it because I thought it'd be better to focus on our relationship, even though he didn't really think it was necessary. I don't think he'd be okay with me dating someone so close to him though, as he sees him like a brother.

He most definitely knows about our issues. We've argued about it countless times over the years and have tried time and time again to find solutions and compromises. I eventually just gave up pursuing him and trying to find solutions because I got rejected so much and it was destroying my self-esteem.

Thanks, maybe you're right about the sunk-cost fallacy and it's just hard for me to admit.

No. 178312

Your second paragraph struck a chord in me. I was in that position before, reoccurring arguments like that are huge red flags. You shouldn't be fighting to be happy in your relationship. What I'm saying is, it don't have to be like that

No. 178314

>You shouldn't be fighting to be happy in your relationship.

Thank you, that really hits home for me.

No. 178315

Anon, you know what you have to do. Even if it is a bit lonely, it feels good to get out of a bad relationship. Maybe break up with him after you’re moved in with your friend.

No. 178336

File: 1617830339588.jpg (44.46 KB, 407x286, 1610471870346.jpg)

>It sounds like you're staying with him more because of familiarity and putting him first

Different anon but I was in a similar situation, and took it as a sign that I needed to move on and stop hanging onto my relationship before it got worse. If anything this could be a time for you to really look at yourself and try to build your self esteem (I realized mine was so low because I sacrificed so much and stayed with what was familiar, to the detriment of my mental and physical health. I felt trapped but then realized I had to start doing things for myself to break my co-dependency). Also, if you move in with that best friend, your feelings will only get STRONGER. So you have to start taking some action now to make positive changes in your life, because if you try to act like nothing is eating you up inside, it's going to come out in unhealthy and self destructive ways. If you have to move in with him, keep minimal contact and really try to focus on taking care of yourself and doing things that will make you feel happy outside of a relationship. Part of the feelings you have now is in response to the unhappiness that you have in your current situation, so getting fulfillment outside of that (and more time to heal) will subdue the internal pain and wanting that you feel right now.

>Even if it is a bit lonely, it feels good to get out of a bad relationship.
Here, here! It will get better! Your peace of mind is everything!

No. 178399

Idk dude, if he's not feeling it with you now, this early into the relationship, I have low hope for your future together…

No. 178443

Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply, anon. I really appreciate your input. I really don't have a choice as far as being roommates, which is why I want to deal with my feelings now instead of when we're already living together. I worry about breaking up with my boyfriend though when I'll be living with his best friend. I don't want to make things awkward, because aside from my stupid crush, I actually do enjoy just being his friend and don't want to lose that.

No. 179117

my 21) boyfriend of 2 years (25) was always vocally anti-porn, brought up hating porn to me before i ever talked about it when we met. i thought he was perfect. i bragged about having a porn-free boyfriend and felt truly grateful knowing his desire for me was free of anything pornified and fetishistic, i never felt used or unwanted.

found terabytes of porn on his computer on accident a few days ago while staying over at his house. i couldn't sleep and he was in bed. i started shaking and couldn't breathe. i took pictures of some of it with my phone, looked at his recently opened files folder, and found out he was watching porn on our 2 year anniversary (which he did not remember), watched porn before picking me up that day, watched porn when he said he was busy working, etc.

he woke up and came downstairs and found me shaking in the dark, asking me what was wrong. i put his hand on my heart so he could feel how hard it was pounding, because i couldn't speak. i started trembling more and almost collapsing. i told him i found his porn. he played dumb and told me he doesn't watch porn, that any files i might've found are old. i told him i looked at his recent downloads and recently opened files, but he told me that "computers are flawed." i said, repeatedly "i am not stupid," and made him swear multiple times he was telling the truth, incuding making him swear on his dead grandmother's grave.

i chose to believe him, with a sinking feeling still in my chest. went home, still felt like something wasn't quite right. i looked at the pics i took of his files, googled the titles of the porno he downloaded, and found out they were all recent uploads and could not have possibly been downloaded years ago. i confronted him and he came clean, saying he's a porn addict who tries to quit every so often but always ends up watching it again because it's "the novelty of it, always new things," and "it's a kaleidoscope of visual stimulation, like a dopaminergic drug."

of course, i feel like i will never be enough. he has been swearing up and down that the only reason he lied to me was to save me from getting my feelings hurt, that feeling me shake was enough to make him want to truly quit forever. i've spoken to him endlessly throughout the relationship about how much i hate porn, how i have friends in the industry who are mentally ill and sexually traumatized and addicted to drugs, how it reminds me of my own sexual traumas, how it hurts women, how it even hurts the men addicted to it. he always agreed and listened. he insists he is actually going to quit for real this time, but i'm so afraid because i know he's probably told himself this hundreds of times, if not every time he's jacked off. i feel so useless, he consciously chose hundreds of other women over me, specifically because he wanted to fuck them, and not me. maddening. i can't imagine wanting anyone but him but it's socially acceptable for him to want to fuck every woman in sight, or at least a meticulously curated smorgasbord of random porn stars he thinks are hot.

i hate it. he's perfect in every other way. he had never lied to me about something else, and we've never had any other issues. he wrote a note on a piece of paper and taped it to his mirror saying why he's quitting porn, listing off that it's anti-woman, contributes to proliferation of misogyny, and unfaithful. but man, i just needed to vent. i can't/won't tell any of my friends so here i am. inb4 "dump him" i won't because i truly love him and he's been nothing but wonderful outside of this.

No. 179118

like wtf, step sister porn, stepmom porn, super young women, japanese pantyhose fetish porn, james deen porn (he's been confirmed to be a rapist and over a dozen women have come forward saying he raped them on set and off set), threesome porn…telling me good night and he loves me right before he goes to jerk off to a rapist for a quick rush.

i hate this. i hate how men portray porn as "just fantasy," as if its detached from real women or their girlfriends. the women on screen are real, and there's a conscious decision to choose them each time. fml had to vent.

No. 179119

so sorry anon, i wish i could hold your hand

probably not what you want to hear, but from personal experience - they'll tell you they're going to quit, but either they won't actually do it, or they'll slip up, sooner or later they get back to it. once a porn-watcher always a porn-watcher. just something to think about

but i really hope you feel better. if it makes any difference, it's not you it's entirely him. he's lucky to have you and knows it, which might be why he lied in the first place in some misguided attempt to keep you for longer

No. 179123

If he's gone so far as to refer to himself as porn addict then it would be naive to trust him to just drop the habit now. That's two years where he's lied to you consistently about something that obviously is a big deal to you.

I'm personally okay with bfs watching small amounts because I doubt any man who claims to be totally porn free. But if you are staunchly against it and he's lied this hard and this long.. You've every right to feel devastated or to consider the trust lost here.

Rapist James Deen loves to get pretty rough and disrespectful in nearly all his scenes too btw. Even when he returned to filming scenes post rape and domestic abuse revelations.. His stuff is overwhelmingly violent.

No. 179127

he would go months without watching it apparently, but slip into the habit again and rationalize it with "she doesn't know, so it's not hurting her," failing to remember that porn is harmful to others, not just me, and just because i'm not aware doesn't make it magically fine. what TRULY bothers me, at the core, is the dishonesty, though..
and like >>179119 wondered, he did say he lied specifically to save me from more pain and had a plan to delete everything once he felt my heart pounding and saw me crying, saying that this woke him up to the weight of his actions. maybe i really am naive but i do believe in his ability to quit for good, he just has to not fall into a hole of rationalization and thinking "ok, just this once, just one more time." because it's never just "one more time."
he was only watching it twice a day max, going days between watching usually, but he still considers that an addiction (as do i) because the compulsion to watch more kept popping back up, even if it wasn't 10 times a day like some guys.

i must seem pretty pathetic to some people here but thank you both for just reading this and making me feel heard.

No. 179130

I'm sorry anon, we understand your feelings and we're sending you love. Maybe both of you, but specially him on his own, can reach to a sex therapist or psychologist. It seems he needs professional help because he clearly can't do it on his own. Same routes go to same places, you know?
Porn is an addiction and should be treated as any other one. He should look into other resources he hasn't tried (and HE should do it, you can be his support, ofc, but let him prove to you, by being serious and autonomous that he wants to change)

No. 179171

He spent your 2nd year anniversary jerking it to porn instead of spending a wonderful day with the person he claims to love. He constantly chooses to lie to you and abuse your trust. Even if you love him he clearly does not love you. You can bury your head in the sand all you want, but you'll never feel truly loved knowing that you've settled for a man who chose porn over you.

You feel this awful because you know with every atom of your being that he is NOT meant for you. Please stop trying to fool yourself, he doesn't appreciate you being a martyr for him and it will not make him love you.

No. 179181

I'm sorry anon, that's really tough. I have no advice to offer but I hope you will be able resolve the situation in a way that brings you peace, however that may be.

No. 179207

i know it sounds like hot air but he does love me, the lying is the worst thing he's ever done and there's nothing else he's had a reason to lie about. i feel incredibly accepted by him and his family, he goes out of his way to help me emotionally and financially, and he's kind-hearted in a way no other man i've met has been. he stopped watching porn around the time we met, apparently, but would struggle every few months with a relapse. porn is awful, but i do recognize that it's a deeply-ingrained addiction. i know he does love me, but that doesn't make what he's done any better. ;_; i know it sounds dumb but it's so much easier to say "dump him he doesnt love you" than to be the one in the relationship and actually be on the receiving end of his treatment, which has been nothing but good until now. and now he is genuinely repentant and being extremely open, coming clean about everything, and talking to me about overarching issues and what he must do. he deleted all his porn and has been sick with guilt for days

thanks to everyone though, he started attending therapy pretty recently so i hope he will mention this issue and the therapist will try to help him along the way instead of enabling the pornsickness.

No. 179215

Everyone is flawed in one way or another, and those flaws will create hurdles in romantic relationships. I think that it sounds like you’re secure in your relationship and compared to most other posts here, this isn’t so bad. “Dump him” is an appropriate response to issues such as abuse, neglect, cheating, etc. Lying isn’t okay, and you rightly feel your trust has been broken, but that can be repaired if he’s willing to truly work on it.

I hope you two can work through this and there are happier days ahead for both of you.

No. 179233

I love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but recently during a slightly rough patch he close off and was ignorant and avoided communication which hurt me, he's come back but is still robotic and we both have ASD. I know for a fact that outright crying in his face about it won't make him listen but I also don't want us to drift, so I'm resorting to farmers and their feminine brains at this point- teach me your magic please, but what are some good ways to make a boyfriend feel guilty for his actions and reflect? The thing is I'm scared of being overbearing when he's still unthawing because he does shut down a bit if anyone seems annoyed and I don't want that but I've also been upset enough that I want to know the black magic of making a man feel guilty and want to make something up to me. Teach me your ways.

No. 179235

i dont necessarily recommend this, it really is "black magic," but it could show you if he really doesnt gaf about you.
but a good way to get a man to realize he's messing up is to start mentioning a male friend a lot more, complimenting him to your bf's face. your bf is insecure about his lack of creativity? his looks? his personality? compliment those things when you're talking about your male friend to him. every guy ive been with had a pretty obvious jealous reaction and would get pissed off after a certain point, and i never once called these guys hot either. i spoke of them in the way i speak about female friends and would show off their social media pics, just them fixing guitars or whatever. my ex ended up having nightmares that i left him for a musician friend bc my ex lacked musical talents.

another thing to do is talk about other couples, point out how your girl friend went on a lovely picnic date with her bf, say "i wish we did things like that, oh well, things are fine as is right?…" without being too obvious. it's kind of dependent on tone. just don't be too obvious or scathing.

No. 179236

oh also start telling him youve been unable to eat all day because youve been so stressed and lonely, if he doesnt wanna buy you food and doesnt seem concerned legit just dump him cause he'll never care at that point

No. 179237


Oh anon, I'm really sorry to hear that, it sounds like your ex was a right dolt and drove you mad and you deserve so much better. I probably didn't provide enough context but he's been the most loving and incredible partner for the year we've been together, it's just recently he shut down a bit when lots happened at once and I've wanted to get through to him. He definitely doesn't make excuses and his heart is in the right place, I've just been upset recently and wanting to get through to him without me being an autist and being too full on, either,


I know he's definitely gotten a little jealous before of my male friend so actually……

And maybe just the latter because it's been a couple weeks since we did anything like that and he might miss that.

No. 179238


I guess a good sign is he has definitely bought me food when I've been struggling with money and he's very doting, this is why right now I want him to soften because the last week or two had been very cold for us. Oh, I think he's in denial over his gran dying too because he can't process things immediately and suddenly he's decided nothing makes him happy and he's just been blanking me for a few days and not talking to others and then he gets worse and I want to shake him and tell him that it's okay to feel things and process them and ghosting me on my birthday and just not talking for three days hurt and all his family were shocked at that too, when he told them

No. 179295

I have this online lecture with this super hot professor whom I have a crush on and I don't know what to do. Should I leave him alone or try to get to know him? And how tf do I even do that? I def. won't do anything till I get my credit points tho

No. 179300

I had multiple hotties, and I'm so mad we have online classes. But I'd never actually chase them, seems like something you should avoid, I don't know about your country, but even if you're not in his course anymore, you can't date while you're still the student of that university.

No. 179307

leave him alone. hooking up with a prof isn't worth it, and I can say that from experience.

No. 179338

>i hate this. i hate how men portray porn as "just fantasy," as if its detached from real women or their girlfriends. the women on screen are real, and there's a conscious decision to choose them each time. fml had to vent.

Fuck anon, I feel this. I don't understand how men have this disconnect about it when they are in a relationship with another human being. It really is a sickness.

You're not pathetic about it. The problem is too many of us go through this and have to deal with it like it supposed to be fucking normal when it's not. Your bf seems like he's taking the steps to really deal with his addiction, but please start thinking about your boundaries and when enough will be enough in your relationship (because with addicts they will take and take as much as they can get away with).

No. 179345

File: 1618344255079.png (427.59 KB, 500x411, B00AC262-E8D9-43D0-909B-5C8280…)

If someone in a long term relationship was to go from never talking about their SO on social media to posting a bunch of sappy stories and going on lots of vacations in a short amount of time would that be a sign that their relationship is in trouble?

No. 179346

Hey, I really feel for your situation. I just want to say, from my experience with addicts of all kind including porn, that being dramatically guilty is often a part of the cycle that drives them back. It's self - serving and self - pitying, and keeps them from making positive changes. Just keep an eye out in case this goes on too long.
Also, this is the sort of betrayal that might take years to heal and he needs to respect that. He's fundamentally misrepresented himself and his values to you. I suggest you get yourself some therapy too

No. 179352

>online “friend/bf” rated me 5 out of 10
From the beginning I knew this was a bad idea, but he has been so far the only one to somewhat keep in touch with me. He knows I’ve got zero friends both irl and online. I can’t easily leave him like I wish I did, and he has a ton of information about me, where I live, etc.
How do I completely cut him out without feeling extremely depressed and without him maybe doing something dangerous?

No. 179362

What the hell, what age group is this? Most probably nothing bad will come out of you leaving him, just block him. I hope he doesn't have nudes or anything from you, but even then, he can post revenge part just as easily 2 years from now as he can now, and keep yourself safe in online interactions.

No. 179363

My immediate response is to think they're overcompensating for something, but from a more optimistic perspective, maybe one or the other started putting more effort into the relationship? Tough to say without knowing them or having any context.

No. 179370

I’ll admit I don’t know the girlfriend that well but the boyfriend isn’t really the type to be very openly romantic on social media. And when he does it was a lot more personalized; all the posts he makes about her are very generic and sterile. They’re both artists and while she mentioned him a lot and posted his stuff he never did that until recently. He also absolutely never refers to her as his girlfriend when we talk, just his ‘roommate’.

I don’t want to get with this dude it’s just very strange

No. 179374

I would guess since she's into social media and sharing their status, she raised a fuss about him not doing the same and wanted public acknowledgement of their relationship. I think gestures like that are usually pointless (why focus on proving your love to acquaintances rather than your partner?) but the fact he doesn't even refer to her as his girlfriend is weird, so I guess I can understand it in this instance. Not that him going through the motions is going to make a difference in his real feelings. I'm overly blunt so I'd probably just ask him why he doesn't call her something more romantic, but I understand not wanting to make him uncomfortable.

No. 179377

I am 25 unfortunately, and we’ve known each other for about 5 years now. I shouldn’t have let it go this long, and yeah he has nudes and stuff of me, I’m ashamed of it.
I’m just so stunted in lots of ways.
I feel like he might do something crazy, like yeah release my photos, or worse, maybe send something to my house or spy on me or spy through my computer.
He’s also vaguely threatened suicide on one occasion when I told him I wanted to leave the relationship.

No. 179462

Well, you can't really do anything after your nudes are out in strange hands, which is why it's widely discouraged and should be beaten into every girl's head. What else can you do? Be with him until death? If he does release shit, of course it'll be very unpleasant, but he'll also be risking all of its legal consequences which might hold him back. I assume you live far apart if he's an online bf, so I don't get how he'd be spying on your house.
Is he some ethical hacker by profession or something? Even then, if you're really worried you should just save all your stuff on a harddrive and reinstall your system, or ask for technical help from someone technically inclined, or a computer shop/repair service, as this is no way to live staying with a scrote just because of a chance he might do something.
And ignore suicide baiting, that's a very common loser man tactic to keep you from leaving him, it's just emotional manipulation.

No. 179490

Are you just comfortable by his weird companionship since otherwise you have no friends or family? Pull yourself up by your panties, anon. It's time to be an adult. So what if he releases your nudes? Own up to it, threaten legal action, maybe even tell his mom on him lol. If he threatens suicide, tell him you'll call an ambulance. Threaten him if he starts to be crazy. Maybe take this as an opportunity to move and not tell him.

You're a capable woman. Dumping him shouldn't be an excuse-ridden endeavor.

No. 179491

my boyfriend of 2 years and my roommate met the other night when we had a video call and seemed to get along well which is good because I want them to like each other. but she is a lot cooler and more interesting than I am. she sings, plays multiple instruments, etc. he used to be in a band and he misses just jamming so when he comes over next they said they might have a jam sesh when we hang out all together. I just feel jealous af because all I can play is the freaking flute and my singing is subpar so I won't be able to join in and I just feel like my boyfriend and I don't share enough hobbies. A lot of my hobbies aren't very social activities (drawing, reading etc) and I'm just worried that I might be super boring. I know that jealousy is about not seeing your own value but how do I find my value when I'm convinced that I'm boring and paranoid that I'm not as fun or interesting as everyone else?

No. 179533

Anon pull yourself together. There's no such thing as a "boring" hobby, if it makes you happy, it's part of you, and it should never matter to you what others think. I honestly think your hobbies are pretty cool as I share them myself, and a lot of people who are into reading and drawing tend to be interesting. Honestly, from an ourside point of view, he would be very shallow to leave you just because you guys don't have common hobbies. Don't beat yourself down. If he truly loves you, he loves every side of you including your interests, because they make you happy.

No. 179551

Why can't you jam with them on your flute? It's a cool instrument and I think they sound great in modern music especially in a jazzy style. (Lizzo starts playing around 1:00.) I also think it's way harder to play than more common instruments like drums and guitar so the hell with being boring. Anyway, it doesn't matter if you're both highly proficient in the exact same hobbies. So long as you enjoy spending time together and are open minded toward each other's interests it's fine. Maybe you could read out loud together out in a park during a walk/picnic (or in bed), get him to try out drawing or something related (painting/pastels/chalk), play a game, try something new physically like yoga or rock climbing, let him teach you how to play whatever his instrument is, cook together, etc. There are a ton of activities to do together that don't matter if either of you are professionals at them if you're having fun.

No. 179583

Is it wrong to expect and ask your partner to get therapy? He can get it for free so there would be no finacial problems concerning it. He's extremely jealous, anxious, and insecure. It's caused many problems in our relationship. I also have problems that have caused issues for us. I have started to get help even though it's quite expensive for me and the things I can't afford I've been doing on my own, like reading self help books and the such. I feel somewhat wrong to bring up therapy to him because I also have issues but I since I am getting help now then maybe it's more reasonable for me to request this. I just can't see this working if I'm the only one working on myself.

No. 179584

Yes, you can ask him. Then dump him when he starts acting like a baby, anon, your relationship sounds awful

No. 179601

File: 1618482203639.jpg (26.6 KB, 500x350, 7483025740257043567.jpg)

Girl… yes, he needs therapy. Needs as in, you do not suggest but make it an ultimatum for the continuation of the relationship, especially when it's free for him. People don't need to completely have their shit together before getting in a relationship but they should be actively working on any major issues, otherwise they just want someone who'll put up with their shit rather than someone they can actually care about and grow with. If his problems have already caused a bunch of problems and he hasn't taken steps to fix himself that already tells you he's not on your level mentally, but if you're interested in the relationship possibly working out then go ahead and request he take action. Otherwise there's no point in staying with this guy.

No. 179641

How to set boundaries and actually stick to them? I realised recently that I let my friends walk all over me and I'm tired of it. My problem is I can't tell what reactions are appropriate and what to do about repeat offenses. I always let them back into my life no matter what because I miss them and we have really good times together when they're not being insensitive pricks.

No. 179663

Setting boundaries is way harder than it seems, especially when you are caught up in the moment and tend to forget all the little mistakes.

What worked for me was to be very aware of my own limits, and firmly but calmly share it with people. I will sound like a stupid self-development guru but in the end, what matter here are your own comfort. So, let's assume a friend said something insensitive :

You communicate it. "Hey X, I wanted to share with you something I interpreted probably the wrong way. I care about you and our friendship, so I prefer to be honest, but when you say xxx, it made me feel xxxx. I'm not making any reproaches here, rather trying to find a ground where both of us can be comfortable !"

There is no easy way to tell someone they hurt you in some ways since 90% of people tend to get defensive when they feel like they are being confronted, but it's also a great test to see if you are compatible in your relationships. If you feel like you can't express when you were hurt or where your boundaries where overstepped, you need to put some distance and consider if you really like their company or you just want to avoid conflict.

No. 179737

File: 1618548179599.jpg (88.21 KB, 1100x740, cookie_puss.jpg)

Me and my boyfriend have been bickering a lot since he started working at McDonald's. Like he hates it and I get it. I can't wait until he quits. We had a good while without any arguments. Just being a regular happy couple but the job at McDonald's is fucking up our relationship. He gets irritable and says rude things and then I get irritable. I keep telling him to work more on coding and he gets annoyed with me for nagging at him but I want him to be happy and pick up a job he likes. I really want to move in together one day but lately I keep asking myself if we should break up. It's making me really upset like all of the time..I just don't know. He's a coomer for sure,bit of a manchild I mean he loves his animated babes and has little motivation but I love him so much. I'm like 18 and he's my first Boyfriend it's been almost a year. I can't leave him now and I don't want to. I just hope things get better when he quits his job.

No. 179751

my bf worked there too and he always had burns on his hands and said that his coworkers were something else. working there is hell, also the money wasn't much so i can understand how that can be draining. yeah i think when he quits and finds more humane work things would get better

No. 179754

File: 1618551044623.jpg (69.2 KB, 1024x577, ashdgfausgieuri.jpg)

This is a good way to see how he handles stressful circumstances in the future. Why would you want to move in with someone who lets their sour mood ruin yours as well? Consider that if you're living together, and maybe one day he gets another stressful job, there is much less opportunity to walk away from that negative energy. You are far too young to feel like a nag. I recently got out of a relationship of a year and a half, and my ex-boyfriend was the same way: online computer science college student with a job as a gas station that was so miserable it started to negatively impact our relationship. I didn't feel like I could do it either, but I did, and even though it was hard for a few months, I don't regret it for a second. At this age, if a guy is struggling, he absolutely will bring you down with him. It's not worth it.

No. 179764

You're young and this is only your first bf, at only one year in I'd say take this relationship as a learning experience and move on to someone better. Also I just wanted to add- his problem isn't McDonalds, it's how he handles stress. And life isn't going to be stress-free after he quits McDonalds, that's food for thought there.

No. 179773

i’m not sure how useful posting about it here will be but i am australian and my girlfriend is korean. she is very very sensitive about japanese issues which i understand given that japan has a very disgusting history of colonising korea but it’s difficult because my girlfriend gets quite angry at me if i even bring up that i’ve seen a japanese movie or read japanese literature. i try not to mention anything japan related to my girlfriend because of this but it’s hard because like if we’re talking about what we’ve done in a day it feels weird to omit certain things that i’ve done if i’ve been reading like murakami or something. also my younger siblings study japanese in school and she even gets a bit annoyed if i mention something like that. i get that japan did bad things but i don’t see how getting angry at the mere mention of something related to japan would help. at a certain point it’s like .. idk she should get over it? i know this is an insensitive thing to say but i’m quite frustrated

No. 179778

Well she probably a xenophobe/nationalist. Very common in some neighbouring countries (Japan/China/Korea, Morocco/Algeria, India/Pakistan..) on both sides, they have bloody history and deep seated hatred for one another is ingraned from a young age.

You're not going to fix it in your GF, it's irationnal, deeply rooted and she needs to really work on detaching herself from part of her upbringing to get over it. It's possible, but that's not your call to make. So you just have to suck it up or decide if going out with a prejudiced woman is worth it.

No. 179782

yep i’m kind of realising this now… the thing is i made some comment about kiko mizuhara because i watched a film she was in today. and my girlfriend started talking about how kiko is apparently a japanese nationalist which idk i have no idea about. she could be. but i was like ‘she’s actually american/korean but grew up in japan’ and then my girlfriend started saying that she’s dirty and a traitor to korea or something. i was shocked …especially because it’s not like she had a choice to grow up in japan. i’ve been with my girlfriend for two years and i never knew her prejudice ran this deep.

No. 179784

It is hard to understand. I have Algerian origins and I am always a bit baffled at the irrational hatred they have for Moroccans they use to justify the war for the Sahara, without seeing the real underlining political benefits. They only see it from a nationalistic lense.

It makes me a bit sad, knowing how my country and its neighbours (in Western Europe) all managed to get over their bloody history to make the EU. All the previous wars are in the past and people will at you like you are crazy if you bring old stuff up to blame current Germans for example. But alas we are in a world where past wars and crimes are being brought up more and more to foster nationalism, hostility and hatred… Especially common in countries that are experiencing internal economic difficulties, to rally everyone against a common ennemy.

No. 179786

As other anons said..he's your first so you're learning a tough lesson here about how some partners will come home from a bad day and gladly drag you down with them. You take the brunt of their moods and they somehow just feel entitled to do that. If they're stressed or unhapy the whole household has to be unhappy in unison.

I've been there and ffs life is stressful for us all, it often just gets more stressful as you progress in a career. The kind of guys I've known who act like that frustratingly don't change with age or through talking it out a thousand times. They're are a misery to live with or to try and lift up. The job isn't the issue here.

No. 179787

Fucking this. My ex took a job he ended up hating despite it paying well, and when he wasn't being distant he was snippy towards me. If someone treats you poorly under stress they are showing you who they really are and they need to go in the trash. That shit blindsided me until we moved in too, there has to be some early way to gauge how potential long-term partners deal with this type of stress.

No. 179788

Funny I'm from NI and I hate that you have to police what you say here if you're speaking to certain tards. She should get over it. Being a nationalist is so weird. The country isn't going to shag you.

No. 179798

what’s NI?

No. 179799

I think that's the anon always posting about being from northern ireland

No. 179814

I totally understand being angry at a country for its war crimes, especially Japan who has a terrible track record of apologizing and reparations, but losing her shit for mentioning something neutral to positive from the country is way too much. I see tons of Koreans on Twitter being into japanese franchises and getting along with Japanese users, which is probably the best way to go, hate the government but not the individuals.

No. 179818

Just me or is it a bit irrational? No one where I live gets sensitive at Germany/German-related things despite my country having suffered greatly under them during the WW2 (and the place I'm from in particular has suffered through a great war crime at the hands of the Germans). My grandparents are visibly traumatised by WW2 but like, that's not the fault of current-day Germans so why bother being upset with German-related things? Not trying to down-play what has happened to the Korean people during that time but she hasn't even lived through it nor had most Japanese people alive today anything to do with it. I agree that at some point she should just get over it.

No. 179833

I don't know if I'm being oversensitive but my bf has been quite quiet on me the past few days and today I sent a jokey message to kind of break the news that I'm going back on antidepressants and he read it but didn't reply. Is there any way to bring up that I'm kind of disappointed that he just didn't say anything without looking mega petty and self absorbed? I think I'm just taking it hard because my mental health is poor rn

No. 179834

I can't imagine not sending any response upon hearing my loved one is gonna start taking antidepressants. It's a big news. You may be oversensitive in general, but not about this, his behavior is odd. Have you tried asking straight up why is he being so quiet recently?

No. 179835

That's shitty. You basically straight up told him you were depressed, and he ignores you instead of being concerned. Fuck him.

No. 179837

If he's been quite maybe there's something happened that worries him!Do you know the reason he's quite?
On the other hand, maybe he's just asshole.

No. 179839

He knows I'm mentally not well and was the person who encouraged me to go to therapy etc, I don't think he doesn't care or anything I just feel a bit awkward for telling him now. I wanted to tell him because it's happy news because I really want to get better and I'm not sure if I should text again to ask why he ignored it

No. 179843

If you don't feel comfortable just asking why, explain how it made you feel and why you were hoping for a response, maybe it will be easier?

No. 179865

the problem is is that many koreans think that japan hasn’t done enough to apologise and atone for their actions in world war two and before. although they have offered some compensation to the korean government for the comfort women for example they haven’t said a clear apology admitting responsibility. and their education system tends to gloss over their actions during world war two. and not to mention some japanese celebrities and politicians have been seen honoring war criminals at certain war memorials etc.
it sucks but also japanese people can’t help being japanese and certain prominent figures like miyazaki and murakami have been vocal in their criticism of the japanese government.

i can understand why this would be a sensitive topic for her but i think it’s unreasonable to just shut down any conversation about japan that i bring up. korea has its own problems and when it suits her she likes to pretend that she’s more of a global citizen without ties to korea but when it comes to japan she becomes very militantly nationalist. i guess in the end i’m just concerned for her because i don’t think it’s normal or healthy for her to be this upset. i brought this up with her and she basically told me that if she tells me she doesn’t want to talk about something or the conversation isn’t enjoyable for her than i should drop it. which i guess is fine .. i’ll try to respect her feelings in that regard. but i also think at some point she needs to get over herself. it can’t be good to just avoid talking about this. but i don’t think she’ll listen to my feelings about this because i think she’s already decided that i can’t understand her (and she basically told me as much) so if any change is going to happen she’s going to have to hear it from a korean person.

No. 179867

my guess is that he's getting annoyed with you and a breakup is imminent

No. 179904

i've asked "why aren't you replying to my message" for much, MUCH less. that's crazy that he has nothing to say to that

No. 179930

I don't think that's the case but thanks for the input

I said (calmly and reasonably) that I was happy and hoping to be hyped up and he told me he couldn't tell the tone of the message and didn't want to say the wrong thing. eh. he's not the best with social cues but he at least hyped me up after that and called me last night

No. 179995

I've been in a similar situation and have watched this play out with depressed friends. Often they're pulling back and waiting for you to stabilise before they can hit you with the imminent break up. They want to leave without the threat of it sending you.

If you have to keep nudging someone to respond to messages about your depression or to hype you up and provide support .. They're already one foot out the door.

No. 180019

well thanks that's definitely going to help my mood!

No. 180020

top kek no wonder he doesn't want to message you

No. 180022

I'm just not sure that worrying about whether or not he's going to break up with me as soon as I get better is going to be a particularly positive or helpful thing. didn't mean to come off as aggressive I'm just stressed.

No. 180028

hey anon, I have no advice for you but I'm seeing so much of myself in these worries you express, wish there was anything I could do to help. I just want to say I hope you'll be fine, and it's all just a temporary difficulty.

No. 180032

That's just about the most bpd response I could imagine.

No. 180038

thanks anon I appreciate it

No. 180083

my boyfriend suggested i watch porn with him. i don't even know what to think of this. he knows already i don't like porn and i just can't fathom why he would think that's a good idea. the paranoid in me is telling me that he thinks i'm not good at sex, or he doesn't find me attractive and wants to watch someone else. literally so confused. i got so mad i went quiet and dipped out of the call because i just don't want to talk to him.

No. 180091

same anon, but we haven't even been together for 6 months yet. people typically bring stuff like this years down the line when they want to "spice things up". what the fuck. it's so early to bring this up. i just don't know what to think or do.

No. 180093

I know that's standard advice when you ask for relationship advice online, but I would just flat out dump him, not even discuss anything. That's disrespectful as hell, what the fuck. It's bad enough the majority of men are degen enough to watch people fuck on screen, the least they could do is to not force this on their partner.

No. 180105

Yep my ex suggested this too and it spiralled into all kind of degenerate pornsick shit. Oral rape, coercion, pressure to film porn, do acts I wasn't comfortable with and sissy shit. He got pretty pornsick and couldn't last/cum in bed, he'd go soft if I tried to touch myself. Told me he had to imagine a porn actress with his previous girlfriend when sleeping with her.
Don't let your relationship get like that. I don't say dump him but you can very strongly tell him you're not gonna do degenerate shit and that it's a huge turn off for you. Shame the fuck out of him. Tell him it makes you really turned off, dry and that's it's a loser behaviour. That you're not gonna fuck someone with barely working dick which is always what porn consumption eventually leads to. Don't be soft like me and curb this behaviour in its start or it's only gonna spiral.

No. 180142

It comes across as pretty disrespectful that he'd already know what your feelings are on porn and yet he still asks you for that in spite of that. If he has that knowledge already then surely he knows he's essentially trying to coerce you into a sexual situation you wouldn't ever want. I've been there before (not porn but asking for a sex act I clearly said I'm not into) and it's a red flag I wouldn't ignore again. If you voice that you hate a certain sexual thing it's time for men to just stop requesting it.

It's also a strange convo to have over a call rather than waiting to have it in person. Then the detail that you're only months into dating..Just imagine how much these requests will escalate if you stay.

No. 180145

You got mad and stopped talking to him for a good fucking reason. You know exactly that this is wrong and he isn't right for you. Dump him.

No. 180190

I went no contact. Best decision of my life

No. 180235

> very abusive
> dad acts smugly and looks down on his kids' life choices
> mental torture

No. 180271

If her reaction to Japanese stuff is so off-putting to you, it's a bit perplexing that you'd keep trying talking to her about it after the first or second time.

The advice you're looking for should be obvious, or am I not reading between the lines here?

No. 180324

How do you deal with bad days? My boyfriend has some days where he is extremely irritable and unpleasant. I always do my best to be mature and gentle towards him, even when I am feeling bad. I don't resent him for expressing his feelings, but I'm not too sure what to do. I'm very patient and understanding, but it begins to irritate me too, as I feel used and unseen. It is okay to have a bad day, but it doesn't mean you have to be a jerk and that I have to clean up your mess always. I feel like what he is exhibiting is just normal behaviour and that I'll never have a satisfying relationship if this bothers me so much. What do you guys think?

No. 180331

It’s okay for everyone to have bad days, but if he takes it out on you then it’s a no-go. Put him in time-out, tell him flat out right after a jerk comment that “that’s really mean” or “please don’t hurt my feelings with your bad mood” This is not good, healthy behavior and he needs to curb it.

Tell him that you’re there to support him and listen to his feelings but once he insults or bites, you’re not having it.

No. 180335

when a guy you're talking to says out of nowhere they're "not a manwhore" it means they're a manwhore doesn't it?

No. 180336

Yes and he will act really fucking insulted if you don’t believe him

No. 180339

Wow i must look really fucking naive. The blatancy. He also said he wants to do more than just have sex with me. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf

No. 180350

It’s tricky. From my own experience, he’ll say he want more so you will keep having sex with him

No. 180425

Girl you can do much better. My boyfriend doesnt watch porn and after i explained him how vile the porn industry is he said its gross. Men who don’t watch porn exist

No. 180426

Someone who actually cares for you wouldnt ignore you when you said that.
Would you act like him? My guess is no so stop excusing his behavior and confront him. My boyfriend would never act like this.

No. 180614

least-hurtful things to say to someone you're dumping because they want to spend more time together than you're ready to commit to?

No. 180617

Say that you're not ready for a serious relationship and that you want to focus on bettering yourself/taking care of yourself and your needs. That you need space and time to figure your own shit out. Do the whole it's not you it's me -shtick.

No. 180625

Can anybody help me, am I completely fucked? I ruined my past relationship with my girlfriend. I promised her things and I didn't deliver on them and I failed to provide structure. I did lots of bad things, watched porn, lied, didn't tell my friend about her until later on and lied. I also broke up with her suddenly and it was incredibly harmful for her. I was definitely abusive.

It's been 6 months since that. We have been communicating again. I've cut porn completely out of my life and no longer waver in decisions and make plans and stick to them completely. I've been spending a lot of time with her. I realize everything I did wrong now and I really have changed as a person. Is it wrong for me to pursue her again? I have been open and said I want to do so but want to rebuild a strong foundation of trust and love. I don't want to be with any other person. I realized how absolutely terrible I was in how I treated her.

How much of a useless shithead am I? Am I being childish here and only causing her more harm? I really have changed as a person after that but I'm worried that I simply did too much damage. Not trying to have a retarded man moment here but I am just wondering.

No. 180630

I don't know anon six months isn't that long. It may have been enough for you to improve yourself and become a better person, but I don't think it would be long enough for her to heal from whatever you did to her. You say that you can't imagine spending your life with anyone else, but what about her? Do you think she deserves to spend her life with someone who really harmed her in the past?

No. 180631

You've done all you can then. You can't convince her to take you back, that's completely on her whether or not she wants to take the risk of being with you again (because to her, you are a risk)

Leave her be, tell her everything you've changed and that it's all up to her because it really is, don't pressure her to respond to you because silence is also an answer if she really feels uncomfortable with you.

No. 180632

You're right but I just can't help it. She has a new boyfriend and they have been together 1.5 months. I don't want to say more details on that but it seems like there isn't any sort of love between them and I think she is upset that I never gave her what I promised (marriage and children). I thought that when I promised those things and she said she wanted them she meant immediately. I should have set up strict timetables with dates in my head for when both of those things would have happened.

It hurts a lot and I think she slightly hinted that she wishes I came back before she started this new relationship but I don't know. I really hurt her. I told her that I support her and will not try to drive a wedge in their relationship but that I am here and have changed and hope to just be here and talk to her so I can rebuild some sort of stable foundation of trust and friendship.

Right, I think it may be the axe forgetting and the tree not doing the same. I have been open that I am here if she ever thinks about doing so again. I think she has given me slight hints but I also do not want to jump back in. Well, I do want a relationship again obviously but I need to form it on a proper stable structure. There would be leaps of faith she would just have to take (living with me again, etc.) that I know would be daunting for her. I know that saying "I'll be here in case you want me" is quite sad but I cannot expect any thing further. We have been hanging out a lot again and talking for hours on end, and I have been trying to show the gains I have made but I cannot expect her to trust me.

I'm really kind of an oaf and she knows that, I don't know if she can ever trust me again. She said some things that hinted forgiveness and forward progress may be possible so at this point I am just happy to have her in my life again. I can really only move forward properly but sometimes I fear I just did too much. As you can imagine it was a really intense relationship. We are hanging out again tonight. I know I sound like a deadbeat scumbag but I'm not that bad. I just made some massive mistakes and clearly had some serious character flaws. At this point anything that happens is my own fault so.

No. 180636

>new boyfriend…
scrote, take it to r/askmen or r/relationships or some shit

No. 180638

Men are retards about relationships though. Thanks for the replies though I probably shouldn't have said anything but I wanted a different perspective beyond Reddit trash. Sorry.(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)

No. 180695

Jesus I got scared this was my ex for a moment and it literally could've been save for the timeline. Just goes to show how all abusive scrotes are the same. It's such a shame men only want to get better once they've already lost the woman they supposedly "love." Maybe if you had listened to her one of the first hundred times she asked for your support you could have salvaged things. As someone in your girlfriend's position, it's as >>180630 said: You may want her, but at this point she's done trying with you. The only thing you can do now is continue to be a better human so no other women have to serve as collateral damage on your path to enlightment.

Despite the blunt words, as far as men go, I give you some credit for being one of the few to realize how badly you fucked up rather than continuing on in self indulgent ignorance. I hope you will continue to evolve into a better person. Be respectful of your ex and all women moving forward. Don't judge her for wanting to explore relationships with people who aren't shitty to her from the start. Give her space and continue working on yourself. Maybe, maybe she could be willing to give you another chance after she's had time to heal and breathe the free air, but in the meantime you need to continue working on yourself. Give her space and let her come to you, or else leave her be if she doesn't.

No. 180735

How can I cope with my low self esteem while in a relationship? I am able to get through life without thinking about it most of the time but it cripples me in certain situations. For example I can't enjoy sex to the fullest extent because I hate my face so much and I don't want him looking at it in that moment especially. It doesn't really help that he doesn't give me compliments much, he's never said "you're beautiful" or anything like that to me spontaneously as much as I can recall. Sometimes I just want to break up because I can't deal with the shame I feel when I start overthinking my appearance.

No. 180736

Have you spoken with your boyfriend about this and asked him to be more verbally supportive? I know when you have low self esteem other people can't exactly convince you otherwise and it can feel like they're lying (especially after having to ask for compliments), but some scrotes really are just clueless and assume you know they think you're attractive because they're with you. And you may not believe him immediately, but over time it does help to hear it from the person you're with.

Otherwise, I would try to really focus on being in the moment during sex. If one of you being blindfolded helps, try that. (Maybe him so you aren't being looked at?) Or you could do it in the dark so you're fully focused on the feeling. Hone in on some part of his body or sensation you like, talk to him in the moment, whatever you need to do to distract yourself from fixating on what you look like. Again, the more open you can be with him about your struggle, the easier it will be to try new things since he can help you with the process.

No. 180737

I had tried in the past but he didn't really seem to entertain it in the way you're suggesting. He said all this stuff about how I shouldn't place so much weight on my appearance and suggested ways I can alter my line of thinking but at the end of it he didn't seem to want to actually compliment me more and stuff. After that the idea of actually asking for compliments would not only be redundant but a bit of a low point. Actually having to ask for compliments… it makes me feel like he too actually doesn't find attractive all the things I don't think are attractive.

No. 180747

I’m sorry to hear that anon. I have encountered guys before that didn’t give compliments because of the prior reason (not realizing they were important to the women they were with) but it was strong of you to open up about your insecurity and I don’t think he handled it well at all. It would take him little to no effort to tell you you’re beautiful, and it’s especially stupid that he would instead lecture you about caring less when it’s a known sore point. I’m sure you wouldn’t tell him to essentially just get over an insecurity rather than showing support. If he can’t even do such a simple thing then I doubt he’d be willing or competent enough to do the other things I brought up. If he’s not doing it because he’s bad at expressing himself/feels it’s unnecessary (i.e. believes his thoughts on the matter are more important than yours) then he’s an ass, and if he’s doing it because you actually aren’t his type physically then he’s also an ass. I’m leaning toward suggesting you do break up with him. It’s not a partner’s job to be your therapist, but giving compliments is not a therapy-level task at all and should be something he does naturally if not something he immediately starts doing after you request it. It seems like his attitude is only bringing you down and making it harder to deal with your insecurities where a partner should build you up.

No. 180755

my boyfriend wants to travel/wwoof for a year or two. I want to also, but i can only go for maybe a month or two because i want to buy a house and some land someday. before this we were talking marriage, but i dont want to do that if he goes. hes really interested in this a way ive never seen before, but my goals are so different. he sees it like a big adventure that he needs so that he kind figure his life out, so i cant tell him not to. i had this stupid fantasy of us having a stupid tiny farm together, safe and quiet and happy but i guess im just realizing that he doesnt really want that. sorry for the rant, im just alone and drunk lmao

No. 180766

i'm talking to a guy that i'm really interested in and he's pretty interested in me too, but he's been tweeting about a ''gf''…. everytime i read it my heart shatters because i don't feel like the only girl. i feel like i'm being played but i feel like i might also be in denial. he also talks about ''being in love with every woman he talks to'' and i just don't feel the same spark anymore. i don't feel a ''i love you'' spark but i feel ''i want to be the only one you love out of all your options'' spark, if that makes sense? i don't want to feel like this anymore but my feelings keep growing stronger, in a way i feel like i'm being taken advantage of. for context i'm 19 and this guy's 24, he keeps saying he's weirded out by my age which i won't argue against, a lot of people aren't into age gaps but he'll then interact with 17 to 18 year olds, so i just feel like it's me what's wrong and not my age. i feel so fucking dumb, i just feel like i'm actually being trashed around like nothing and it's so fucking disheartening, am i not enough? ugh. this is so fucking frustrating, i feel like a lost puppy chasing some random boy on the street. and when he does tweet about this gf i just ask him whats up and he says hes talking about a pretend fake gf. dude no one has a fucking ''pretend gf'' what the fuck? i'm so fucking annoyed. at this point i feel like it'd be better if i just cut him off because clearly he has other options and he clearly has no interest in me.

No. 180767

He’s stringing you along. Sorry nonny. “It’s a fake gf” is the stupidest shit in the world and if you continue to make excuses for it then obviously you are too. Cut him off.

No. 180768

Kill yourself. That’s my honest advice.

No. 180778

He sounds like a kid. Why do you want to be with him? He's obviously not above playing mind games and fucking with you. Cut him off, who needs a man child like that that doesn't know how to grow up? He's 24 and does this shit?

I'm 24 and if a guy my age acted like that, we would ostracise him because he sounds dumb and creepy (for talking to literal teenagers, we give each other shit for talking to 20 years olds even).

Let me tell you something as someone who has dodged groomers - Older men who talk to much younger girls are mentally in the same space as the youngest they talk to. They are peter pan and will never grow up, and guess what happens to men who don't grow up? They act like dumb assholes and treat everyone like shit while having an inflated ego. Run and don't look back

No. 180797

What’s up girls, I’m dumping my bf today. I’m not gonna vent about him because I don’t need you all telling me he’s a fucking bum, I already know. It’s hard because I love him but it’s got to be done. We live together and have a couple months left on the lease but I can’t wait anymore. I just need some encouragement. It’s my first major breakup and I’m mostly at peace with it but he will be very upset. Anyone else who’s been through this have any advice?

No. 180804

File: 1619102821012.jpeg (65.56 KB, 720x895, EC6AB1D3-CB65-44AD-A384-351852…)

You’re doing great Nonny, we are all rooting for you. Give it a few months and you’ll be kicking yourself that you didn’t do it sooner. That’s how I felt when I broke up with my bum ex.

No. 180843

yeah, i think it's for the better. he's just a neckbeard and i think i only liked the attention. thanks for the advice anon, have a good day

No. 180845

I'm happy for you! I know it must have been a difficult decision to make, especially since you live together. but breaking up can be thought of as an act of kindness. you would be doing him a disservice if you stayed with him knowing that your feelings have changed and your heart isn't in it anymore.

No. 180968

File: 1619152535087.jpeg (100.53 KB, 483x640, 343DF999-DEC7-428D-B840-BD37D9…)

Congrats! I don’t have much advice except maybe make 100% sure you’d be safe and have a place to go if he won’t respect your decision and leave you be. Update us.

No. 180975

My boyfriend and I decided to bring toys into the bedroom, one of them being a dildo for me. I feel guilty that I'm secretly happy my boyfriend doesn't want a fleshlight in return. We discussed it and he said he didn't want a fleshlight because he didn't like how they tend to be marketed and he felt like it was a crossed line in terms of the fact that he didn't want to see it as an option when he masturbates (I stay over at his place every weekend, so we both masturbate when we're not with each other). He's okay with me using a dildo, though, and I made sure we picked it out together because well, even if it's weird, that's what I'd prefer if he were to get a fleshlight (though he isn't getting one). Part of the reason he said he's okay with me using a dildo is because he wants me to feel pleasure when I give him oral (I am easily stimulated by piv, can cum from that alone). He often gets guilty over that when I give him oral, even though I tell him it's okay and that I love pleasing him.

Anyway I feel terrible because I kept on asking if he wanted a fleshlight, even though he'd said no , only for the sake of equality. In reality, it would make me a little insecure and I'd have to get over it and that's why I'm ashamed. I made myself seem way more into him getting a fleshlight than I was because I don't want to sound like a weak ass bitch with jealousy issues and I guess looking back, I shouldn't have pushed him at all since he made it clear didn't want a fleshlight. I wish I were more understanding like him.

Idk if any of you anons could comment, even if it's just to say I'm a terrible gf, thanks.

No. 180993

How are you a terrible gf for pretending to be less insecure than you are about a fleshlight he doesn't even want despite your repeated offers? Even if your boyfriend was desperate for one you'd be under no obligation to invite one into your sex life just because he doesn't get jealous over dildos.

Fleshlights are unsexy inceloid toys for coomers anyway and there is no need to get so worked up over something so trivial.

No. 180997

I don't think you are terrible, I can understand the logic of you getting a toy so he gets a toy, just some scote toys are eh.

not sure how open you both are but id suggest lovense toys like lush and hush, you can both control them from far away and its fun to do that to one another.

but I think toys are better to enhance something than be the focal point

No. 181005

The only terrible thing you are is a terrible overthinker. There's no problem here so don't make one in your head okay? You're fine and everything's okay.

No. 181022

I never consulted my ex about my vibrator although he did act jealous when he found out. He used porn so I didn't understand his upset. I would never expect his dick to vibrate. The vibrator broke anyway and I just switched an electric toothbrush. No man will stop my vibe.

No. 181462

File: 1619371363383.png (71.66 KB, 275x197, 1597806954184.png)

Do you think my bf is into anorectal violence based on this?

We were hanging, chilling and talking when he asked what I thought about anal, i said disgusting and could die without EVER having tried it and he agreed… but then i was like really? because then why would you ask? (personally i wouldn't bring up anything i wasn't interested in so this is weird to me) and he answered that he wanted to tell me it was gross, and he was kinda defensive like, you really think I want to try anal? that's where poop comes out of……… as if that isn't my reasoning and as if people that are into anal aren't aware of that but don't care nonetheless. He also said there was a reason he hadn't tried it with his ex already and i said that it could easily be just because she didn't want it just like i don't want it either…….. Can anal become an obsession that makes men cheat? like, seek it out elsewhere. I'm tempted to just try it so he can stop being curious but this is also a fairly new relationship, i rather break up so he finds a more sexually compatible person? because dammit i really love him, but not enough to share EVERY part of my body. am i overreacting?

No. 181463

They can cheat for pretty much any reason anon. If you don’t want to do anal, don’t.

No. 181465

>he asked what I thought about anal
Did he specify whether he meant giving or receiving?

No. 181469

> I'm tempted to just try it so he can stop being curious but this is also a fairly new relationship, i rather break up so he finds a more sexually compatible person? because dammit i really love him, but not enough to share EVERY part of my body.
Offering to do anal when he has (imo) plausibly denied wanting it is overreacting, yes. Calm down. You're driving yourself mad over something you don't even know for sure if he wants or not.

No. 181474

When I'm in a new relationship I like to pretend I'm more open minded in the beginning… Just so I can get honest answers about any potential fetishes or heavy porn habits. Guys do often lie if they think they'll be judged. I wouldn't rush to then worrying about cheating though. Next time try to get ahead and ask the guy first. Sound non judgemental as you ask. Then you can state its not for you.

I don't mean this in a bad way but if you think you should just do anal for his sake (even though you hate the idea) You don't sound ready for a sexual relationship. It's messed up that your mind went there. Especially as it's a new relationship too.. Its not healthy to be bending your own sexual boundaries for a guy but it's especially alarming given that this could work out to be some short term thing anyway.

If you regret a sex act that regret can haunt you way longer than most relationships last. I did stuff at 19 that still bothers me at 32.

No. 181481

It can be an obsession that leads to cheating especially if he’s a huge coomer. Usually, more “sensible”” scrotes hold off cheating if the cons outweigh the pros too much. So if he doesn’t feel very committed and invested in your relationship then yeah poopdick accessibility can be a factor weighted in the decision to cheat.

No. 181492

Hmmmm feels like you're overthinking this big time, he said he's not interested and finds it disgusting, just like you do so you're on the same page here. When I've just started dating my boyfriend we talked a lot about what we like in sex and what are the boundaries, subject of anal came up too, we both agreed we couldn't care less and the topic never came up again in almost 4 years now. I see no reason why it wouldn't be the same in your case because it does sound the same.

No. 181502

Do men not realize that they out themselves as coomers when they follow hundreds of porn stars and instathots? Or do they just not care? I thought I had stumbled across a really great guy until I looked at who he's following on IG and now I'm thoroughly disenchanted. He's 31 so it's not like he's some young and naive scrote.

No. 181505

They don't care. Society at large excuses and condones their behavior and you're considered a prude/overly moralistic if you consider it cheating or simply gross and disrespectful. Have interacted with men 30+ who discussed strippers, what sort of tits they preferred and what IG whores they followed directly in front of their girlfriends and the girls were such pickmes they pretended not to care/said it was fine and that they looked at other men too (clearly not to that brazen extent). It was sad.

No. 181516

I feel you might be overreacting. I don't know how your relationship works like, but in mine we talked about stuff we dislike or like the fantasy of but wouldn't do in real life as some kinda deterrent, so that the other person won't get any false hopes. Maybe he has coomer friends or something who talked about anal and he was the only one who was like "wtf noooooooo it's disgusting" and he needed assurance in his choice with how normalized it seems to be and wanted to let off steam? That's one of the main reason why husband and me shit(hah)talk gross fetishes lmao

No. 181526

blech. you're right. I wish I didn't have to choose between being a pickme and being single for the rest of my life.

No. 181536

For what it's worth I have been in a relationship with someone who openly expressed to other men he didn't want to discuss women in that way and didn't watch porn (to my knowledge - we spent 99% of our time together and I had access to all his tech). Unfortunately he was shitty in other ways, but supposedly there are some out there who manage to check all the boxes. I've given up trying to find one myself but I genuinely hope you beat the odds.

No. 181545

ayrt and you may be right, he often boasts about how conservative he is and how conservatism is the new counter-culture. He def likes deviating from the crowd, thinks it makes him special or at least gives me that impression. But it just rubbed me off the wrong way because he brought it up first, like, as far as i know MOST women dislike anal, so there's no logical explanation to ask "in case" i like it so i don't get any false hopes up. Granted I don't initiate sexual talk often, so maybe this is why. He also could've asked to gauge what kind of woman i am based on my answer? I feel like he would be the type to do that.

nta but I know my boyfriend switched his phone to a flip phone after I told him watching porn while in a relationship is cheating. Do you think this is a good approach or is it better to have the temptation there and working on not giving in anyways? He said he could keep a smartphone and install blockers etc but he's tech-savvy. When I think about it, it's disappointing he KNOWS he'd get a way around it despite knowing how i feel.

No. 181551

>Do you think this is a good approach or is it better to have the temptation there and working on not giving in anyways?
Just my personal opinion, but I would actually be inclined to give him some credit for this move. Would you fault someone for not allowing any junk food in their home when they had a history of binging? Or not allowing bottles of booze if they used to be an alcoholic? If someone logically knows they have a problem but doesn't want to risk a relapse by any means necessary, then good on 'em. Sure, it would be ideal if they just had the self discipline to avoid those things in the first place, but I also think it's realistic to acknowledge human weakness and make things easier on yourself. Ultimately he's chosen to respect your wishes and even made a pretty big change (smartphones offer a lot of conveniences) to ensure he doesn't fuck up, so I think that shows some positive qualities. Even some anons here on lc have mentioned they had problems with porn, and despite finding it personally disgusting and not wanting to support the industry, they had difficulty letting it go since it can be addictive. And who knows, maybe your boyfriend wouldn't watch anything even if he did have a smartphone, but knowing how important it is to you he doesn't want to run the risk of losing you. So I find it pretty respectable to just eliminate temptation in general.

No. 181809

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Welp. I've been married for almost three years now. A few months ago my marriage sort of came to a head.

Before I got married, I made it VERY clear that I am not okay with porn. At all. If those were not terms he was able to agree to, he could of told me and ended things then and there. He assured me he had no problem not watching porn. He always stays up late and acts secretive, but when I would bring up any worry or concern, I was immediately gas lit and told I was insecure and "always assumed the worst in him."

Come to find out, he had been watching porn the entire time, lying to me for the entirety of our relationship and marriage.

I don't want a divorce. It would leave my life in shambles. I have been trying to get him to go to marriage counseling, which he is ok with, but it's not "possible" with his work schedule. He downloaded some porn blocking accountability program on his phone and computer, but I don't have much faith in that kind of thing and think he could easily go around it.

I live everyday in pain, sadness, paranoia, and frustration. He says he regrets what he's done, but I just don't feel like trust can be rebuilt.

Everytime I bring it up to anyone I get one of two responses, "Just leave him," or "porn isn't such a big deal." I'm tired of hearing it, I want to know if anyone has been through this and has real, honest advice.

No. 181818

You have to choose between being a pickme and being single for the rest of your life.

No. 181820

>I have been trying to get him to go to marriage counseling, which he is ok with, but it's not "possible" with his work schedule
I'd push for this. He surely doesn't work 24/7, even if you don't fully mean it give him an ultimatum - he has to find time for counseling until, idk, summer or you will divorce him. Be very firm on this, and I hope it works out. For starters it doesn't even have to be a whole ass weekly therapy, just few counseling sessions to see whats up and see how things can be adjusted to fit your both shedules.

This said, this is why I'll never marry, I'd never have the guts to go through the stress of divorce if it was necessary; good luck to you anon thouh and I really hope it doesn't come to this.

No. 181826

ntayrt but I am >>181526 and your post gave me a good kek. just to follow up: most of the instathots the guy I was talking about here >>181502 are suicide girls. I just recently discovered that the name comes from a Chuck Palahniuk book where a suicide hotline operator masturbates to the sound of young women calling in and crying. it's even more disgusting than I had originally thought. suicide girls and anyone who wanks to them are degenerate trash and there is no cure for their pornsickness.

No. 181828

>I get one of two responses, "Just leave him," or "porn isn't such a big deal."
I know it's not what you want to hear, but in the end those are your options anon. You either have the resolve to stick to your standards and get rid of a man who disrespected and lied to you for the entirety of your relationship, or you quietly accept that he just doesn't care about you more than watching strangers fuck on the internet. Yeah, ideally he will quit porn and get counseling. If he's willing to follow >>181820 suggestion and actually improve then perhaps the marriage can be saved. But it's entirely on him at this point. You have to watch if he improves, and if not, acknowledge that you can't force him to be a better person. Your reactions are the only ones you have control over. Countless women have felt their lives would be left in "shambles" over leaving men, and often it is very difficult both emotionally and logistically. But ask yourself if the temporary inconvenience is really more distressing than spending the rest of your life settling, tied to a man who is daily eroding your self esteem and integrity because he values his limp dick more than your peace of mind. I have known women who have walked away from men with pennies to their name, children in their care, no legal home or belongings, friends lost due to siding with the asshole, and they still did it because they knew they deserved better. You'll have to make the same choice sooner or later.

No. 181829

Damn I thought that site died out in the early 2000s. Guess degenerates don't know when to quit.

No. 181832

>It would leave my life in shambles.

You're capable enough to leave him but you won't, and he's calling your bluff, knowing that you won't divorce him so why would he try to go to marriage counseling? There're no consequences for this– he obviously doesn't care that he hurt you since he purposefully gaslit you too, and the only reason he's upset is because you found out. Are you waiting until he does something even worse? He lied to you for THREE YEARS, anon, over what? Porn? Fucking stupid as fuck.

My life was similarly destroyed after my last breakup four years ago (financially, emotionally, socially, etc) but it was repaired and now I'm happy as a bee. Don't wait for a a grown man to change especially since he "regrets" it (and you know he's only regretting cause you found out, not cause it was wrong that he hurt you).

No. 181865

I recently started dating a really nice girl. Now we get along great, she loves hearing me rant and talk about my hobbies which my exes have always dismissed, she's super cute and sweet and shy and quiet

but I really wish we had a teasing/playful relationship. It may be the mommy issues and years of men who gaslit me and groomed me but fuck I want her to call me a dumb bitch and tease me all the time and idk how to bring this up or if I even should??? She's the soft nice type and i'm the polar opposite.

I just want to be bullied by my girlfriend is that too much to ask for? I really like her and I don't wanna come off as weird since my irl friends also think its a tad strange…

No. 181879

is drawing someone happy holding their pets thats passed away and a weird gift? im worried if maybe its creepy

No. 181890

>Before I got married, I made it VERY clear that I am not okay with porn. At all. If those were not terms he was able to agree to, he could of told me and ended things then and there.
This is the biggest thing anon. It doesn't matter if porn "isn't a big deal". You set a clear boundary and he ignored it. You were upfront from day 1 and he ignored it on purpose because he didn't care. You deserve better than that. You're gonna be paranoid for the rest of your relationship because you know he doesn't actually care about your boundaries and feelings, he only cares about what he can/cannot get away with.

No. 181891

It sounds like you’re craving the type of intimacy that only comes with being together for a longer period of time. It’s a lot harder to jokingly “bully” in newer relationships since you don’t want to offend the other person. I think you should let your relationship naturally develop with time.

I think that would be really nice anon. Perhaps you should ask them before you give it; “I’d really love to draw you and Muffin as a gift, is that okay?”

No. 181894

>"Just leave him,"
Yeah, because the only thing that you will teach him by staying together is that he can continue to repeat this behavior in sneakier or even bolder ways and face no consequences for it if he gets caught because you stayed with him anyway. I know it's hard, but you have to put your feelings aside to make the right decision.

No. 181926

I agree with >>181891. Don't rush things, enjoy the tentative early stages because they only last a short while before you settle into whatever becomes your long-term norm. You can bring it up with her once you've been together for some time (I'd say 6+ months). Also, know that she can probably accommodate you but it should be up to her to decide in what ways and to what extent. For example, she might feel uncomfortable calling you a "dumb bitch" but wouldn't mind lightly mocking you about other things.

No. 181936

People tell you to leave him because he broke a fundemental rule of your marriage: that needs to have consequences. No consequences tells him you're a pushover, he doesn't genuinely need to stop watching porn (because what are you gonna do? Nothing serious) and he might even take it to pushing other boundaries because you've given him the clear sign that if you don't divorce him over this he can get away with more.

No. 181937

As someone who hates banter in relationships, don't try to tease her first. Some people just don't enjoy that kind of behavior.

No. 181942

When you say he was staying up late, was he basically opting out of the chance of sex happening with you..to go off with his laptop instead. As in was it a dead bedroom or was he picking porn over actual sex with you on an ongoing basis? If that's the case then that adds insult to an already shitty situation. If it was a dead bedroom that lead to the porn I could see how relationship therapy might help, but you don't mention an already db in your post.

Him talking about work getting in the way of therapy reminds me of how men who cheat often do the same thing, they say sorry and agree to therapy and then mess the wife around when it's time to actually book the date. This is his shit to own now, he needs to be sorting these appointments. If he's not or if he's leaving that to you that's not a great sign of commitment to change. Make it clear to him he needs to get on that. It is not your job to now drag him to it when you're the injured party here.

No. 181950

I recently got back together with my ex girlfriend. Our break up was a terrible mess, and we hadn’t spoken to each other in two and a half years. She reached out to me a few months ago and we’ve been going on dates since. But, while we were broken up she was dating another girl. I’ve known this girl for years, and we’ve always really disliked each other. They broke up after being together for a year, but remained close friends. I really thought I didn’t care about their relationship/friendship, but lately I’ve been feeling jealous.

While I’ve been hanging out with my girlfriend and her friends, her ex makes it clear that she dislikes me (rolling her eyes while I speak, refusing to sit near me etc). She also goes out of her way to kiss (on the cheek) my girlfriend and constantly touch her which makes me really uncomfortable. I tried mentioning it to my girlfriend, who defends their friendship by saying that all of her friends kiss her on the cheek (they never seem to do it while I’m around) and that the girl was constantly there for her while she was heartbroken (due to our breakup) so they became very close, while also adding that she’s also just “naturally affectionate”. Regardless, I feel weirded out. Whenever my girlfriend tells they’re hanging out together (without other friends), I genuinely feel sick inside.

Am I overthinking this? I don’t want to be this annoying, jealous girl but it’s obvious her ex still has feelings for her. I get they’re mates, but hanging out with someone who clearly doesn’t like me also upsets me. We’re all teenagers btw, which maybe explains the pettiness/messiness.

No. 181953

>her ex makes it clear that she dislikes me (rolling her eyes while I speak, refusing to sit near me etc).
And your gf is okay with this? She's never reprimanded the ex on this? I'd be pissed if someone treated a person I love like this, even if it was my best friend (maybe even especially then).

No. 181955

You're not overthinking it. You're getting cucked. In public.

No. 181959

An important thing to remember here is that people tend to misplace anger in these situations and then the partner doesn't get held accountable. Your gf is the one who owes you respect and consideration more than her friend does. It's her job to either help you two get along or (maybe more realistic at this stage) to not make you two coexist if it's just going to be full of bitchy vibes, stress and disrespect for boundaries.

It does sound a bit cucky and like she plays women and doesn't regard your feelings. There's an ego boost when two women are fighting over you and you don't have to address it because they're too busy hating each other to actually start hating you.

No. 181965

She has supposedly reprimanded her, telling her to back off/not be so affectionate. so now I deal with her constantly glaring at me or icing me out of conversations, which isn’t much better. I feel like my ex probably didn’t talk to her properly, so neither of them think it’s a serious issue.
Yeah I have a feeling that she’s kind of enjoying it. When I first told her that I was uncomfortable, she did laugh but quickly composed herself. I would rather not hang out with her friends but she’s instant on us all being mates. She never hangs out with my friends though?

The other girls in her group have noticed and go out of their way to be friendly towards me; if they have noticed then it must be obvious. while we were together (before our breakup) I was a bit insecure, which upset her so I guess i’m trying to be different now? This is my first proper relationship (she’s the only person i’ve been with) and we’ve applied to the same universities, so i’m kind of hesitant to dump her. I don’t want to end up at the same uni as her and her friends. Starting to think getting back with her was a mistake.

No. 181966

>while we were together (before our breakup) I was a bit insecure, which upset her so I guess i’m trying to be different now
oh no anon… she's definitely abusing this, knowingly or not. You see this already so I'll just say from my perspective of these two posts, I also think you shouldn't have gotten back together. There's often that temptation, especially when it's the very first relationship but trust me, you don't need to stick to it and put on a brave face to show how you've changed despite still feeling bad and insecure.

No. 181967

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can any of you anons please help me think of a way to politely articulate to my boyfriend that I'm feeling taken for granted and underappreciated? I'm going to have to text it to him because I know I'll cry and come off as hysterical if I say it on the phone or in person

No. 181968

Make your point (I feel underappreciated) provide evidence (because of …,… and …) and solution (could we try this differently/could you try this please)

No. 181969

He won’t realise unless you dump him anon

No. 181971

Both >>181968 and >>181969 are right simultaneously

No. 181972

Im >>181968 and if his response to your message is anything other than accepting it and willing to support you then I agree with >>181969.

No. 181973

but be aware of the option that he says he will do something about it but continues to do absolutely nothing. Things might get worse because now he knows he can push your boundaries

No. 181984

Yeah, this is the worst and a legit reason to break up. You shouldn't have to throw down an ultimatum or show someone there are consequences for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated in the first place. Really shows they don't care about you as a person with needs and feelings but they only care about keeping you around for the perks of being in a relationship.

No. 181998

Anons, am I an idiot? I'm bawling my eyes out over this idiot who seems to just lie about his porn usage because he thinks it appeases me. You don't fool me when you only get horny late at night when I've gone to bed early, you don't fool me when you say you just 'last too long', and you lying to my face 'not to hurt me' are a much bigger slap to the face than just being up front about your problem and going to a sex therapist together… Which you are adamant is useless.

Nonnies, I love him like the stupid bitch I am. I'm so tired of being paranoid. I'm scared to touch his computer anymore and get a visceral reaction close to an immediate panic attack just thinking about what I can find this time (I did before by accident, just wanting to watch some YouTube). I'm not a crazy person, I don't want to check up on someone's private things, that's insane.

Why are scrotes like this?

No. 182009

Anon, you should be asking yourself why are you like this? Why do you stay with someone who causes you so much pain, paranoia and fear? Someone who decides to hurt you when he only thinks of himself and his 'pleasure'.

If he won't try to stop or fix it and it causes you this much pain and he is aware of that then you aren't right together. There is a guy out there who would listen to you and not intentionally hurt you so stop wasting your time on this idiot.

No. 182021

Don’t go through the pornsick scrote shit, it’s not worth it. I’ve been there and I was having sleepless nights, crying, panic attacks etc for 4+ years. I wasted years of my youth both deeply unsatisfied and deeply insecure. People who lie to your face aren’t trustworthy no matter what comforting things they say. Just dump, pls. I’m guessing you’re still v. Young.

No. 182084

Did you see >>181809? Not to diss that anon, but if you don't want that to be you in a few years with a bunch of stuff making it even harder to leave, get rid of this sack of shit now. You are choosing to accept something you know you hate for the sake of… what? Not being alone? It's not worth it. The constant stress and pain will outweight whatever positives he brings. Make friends, focus on yourself and maintain your standards when engaging with men.

No. 182122

Posting here too bc I'm desperate.
I fucked up. Long term relationship with a live in partner. He has a lot of sexual trauma and I have my own mental illness. We love each other but I send nudes to someone else because we have such bad intimacy issues. He found out and I want to work things out but not if they go back to the same way.
I am scared. I'm just really codependent and I don't want to be anymore. Fidelity has never been an issue for me before

No. 182138

It sounds like there's a lot to work on here anon. Both of you may not be in the right place for a relationship. It's understandable that he would be hesitant with intimacy if he's recovering from trauma, but if he wants to be in a relationship then he should be working towards improvement (involving you as much as possible) or else with someone who is asexual. If sex/general intimacy is important to you in a relationship (as it is for most people) then that's fine, but if your partner is incapable of providing it due to where he's at, then you have to tell him your needs aren't being met and let him go rather than sneaking behind his back and emotionally cheating. That was a terrible thing to do and has likely heavily damaged if not broken his trust, and that's a foundational part of a relationship. You'd have to make a very clear recovery plan moving forward in addition to communicating frequently, openly and honestly, but it seems uncertain whether either of you are capable of that right now due to individual struggles. Especially if you are codependent, you probably need to be alone for a while to figure out what you truly want instead of clinging to anyone who can distract you from your pain and lack of self esteem.

No. 182181

idk if this fits here but asking around

is there ever a way to win having casual sex as a woman?

i'm so horny but also afraid of stds or rape or being murdered or whatever

No. 182202

Not really. In addition to all the things you noted there's also the fact that most scrotes just absolutely suck at sex in the first place. So you may be horny but ultimately you'd just get blue ovary-ied anyway. Unless you only fuck them if they get you to orgasm through oral or you're really good at getting yourself off during sex.

But if you really must - STDs: have the man wear a condom, don't put your mouth on his bare dick. Kidnap/murder: tell a friend or relative where you're going and who you're going to be with. Don't have more than one drink and make sure you saw it being made. When you fuck, do it at your own place. Get as many details from him as you can before you bang and confirm them online. Where does he work and live, what is his full name? Shouldn't be difficult to get within the first week or two of knowing him. Be prepared for the dude to bounce after he bangs you once; if you're truly just looking for hook ups, that should be ideal for you too and not matter. The ones that stick around usually develop feelings despite them always thinking it's the women who want more, so have a finger ready on the block button once they get too needy.

No. 182207

If you have low expectations, sure. The only benefit to casual sex for women is getting to touch hot guys so unless you get your kicks out of that, you're better off not doing it. Also, never bring a guy to your home. Wtf would you want a strange man to know where you live?

No. 182223

I mostly agree with you nonnie, but about taking the guy to your place, that sounds like a bad idea. I once had a guy I’d been on one date with show up to my house drunk and looking to “hang out” at like 2am. Staying over at the guy’s place might be dangerous, but I think it’s way worse to have random tinder guys knowing where you live (especially if you live alone). You really can’t win imo, casual hookups with men are just not worth it for women. Maybe if you’re bi and want to sleep with women it can be okay, but most guys want hookups because they want a bigger body count. They don’t care about getting you off or making the experience mutually enjoyable. The risks heavily outweigh any positives.

No. 182225

You have a good point about bringing a guy to your place. I live in a pretty nice apartment complex that is gated with locks and security, so a man isn't coming up unless I buzz him in, and he would be swiftly removed if I didn't want him to stay. (I also have a secured gun.) I realize not everyone has those privileges, but it still seems preferable to going to a place you've never been before, in a location where he could easily trap you and may have hidden cameras and that sort of thing. I agree that overall it's better to just hold off entirely if possible.

No. 182237

I’d still be concerned even if you live in a secure building. There’s no guarantee some weirdo wouldn’t wait outside or follow you somewhere, or even know another person in the building and surprise you at your door. The spy camera thing freaks me out too though kek, I’ve seen so much porn on 4chan and other places that was pretty obviously recorded without the woman knowing (spy camera is literally a category on pornhub if you want to be grossed out).

No. 182287

My friend in her hookup phase just had the guys book a hotel room until she felt comfortable enough to invite someone over, I guess it's a good idea safety wise? Also no hookup until a guy can prove he's std free, if he refuses to test himself, no meetup. Afaik nothing bad ever happened to her so I guess that's a good way of handling things?

No. 182288

either your friend is gorgeous or the guys have been desperate af

No. 182292

Hmm, I'd say she's pretty charismatic but not necessarily mindblowingly beautiful? No idea if she shared hotel price or made the guy pay, pretty possible she shared, that would probably make things easier. Taking a test though should be the absolute minimum when it comes to hookup expectations, she tested herself regularly and no reason to expect anything less from the other party involved.

No. 182302

Dump her as soon as possible, she's abusing your trust
Anyway you don't have to see each other when you're studying at the same university

No. 182304

Yeah he told me he can't fix the distrust that his has caused. Understandably. It's a little devastating to read that he's gonna work on his intimacy issues now but not with me.
Just makes me feel like my issues were too big for him.

No. 182378

it's pretty easy to set up a spy camera in a hotel room though

No. 182465

Kek seriously anon? Of course scrotes are desperate. They're willing to pay for drinks and dinners on the off chance of sex or even to just spend time with a woman, but you think they wouldn't also be willing to cough up a similar amount of cash (in fact an average 3-star hotel is likely going to be even cheaper than a restaurant) when the sex is basically guaranteed? Heck there are love hotels specifically for hook ups in Japan, no reason why you couldn't use them for the same purpose elsewhere (and people certainly do). Not a bad suggestion by >>182287 to avoid the dangers present by doing it at either person's home. If a man wasn't willing to pay for a hotel to bang just about any woman then I'd say he's a massive outlier. Scrotes literally do not care what a woman looks like if they're getting their dicks wet.

No. 182471

What do you mean, hotel employees spying or some random scrote being in agreement with hotel staff to breach privacy rules and allow him to set up a camera in a room he will later pretend to be booking? I feel like both of these scenarios are even less likely than being murdered.
In general everything in life comes with a risk. You can't guarantee a 100% certified safe hookup same as you cant guarantee an, I don't know, 100% certified safe relaxing day at home because the building can go into flames or there can be a gas leak or you can slip on bathroom floor and break your leg. But being overly paranoid about everything is not going to make life easier.

No. 182482

you really think some scrote is going to let hotel staff know that he set up a camera? kek

No. 182484

samefagging but I hate to break it to you nonnie, human trafficking and child porn frequently takes place in hotel rooms, so give your head a shake if you think degenerate scrotes give a fuck about the rules

No. 182486

We're talking about two consenting adults hooking up, not child trafficking, please anon…

No. 182523

planning on dumping my boyfriend. i was bored at work today so i spent most of time scrolling through twitter. saw a viral tweet and was gonna scroll by but the profile pic looked very familiar. turns out it’s my bf’s account. i’ve known he has twitter but i never thought to ask for his username? idk why. i just didn’t care i guess. obviously i start going through his account and it’s normal. then i come across tweets were he’s calling women he disagrees with bitches.

i search his username + bitch/bitches and it turns out he says that a LOT. i search his username and there’s tweets mocking him made by guys he doesn’t follow but has mutuals with. they’re calling him a corny white guy who’s obsessed with black ppl (i’m mixed). go through the replies of the tweets & there’s black girls sharing their stories about him messaging them weird shit about “mixed children” and flirting with them constantly. all the girls seem to be college aged (me and him are both 27). there’s one girl defending him and saying she finds his “thing” for mixed/black girls “cute”. yes, he follows her.

i feel so disgusting inside. i had a mini breakdown in the bathroom. thinking about leaving work early. i don’t want to confront him or anything; i just want to go home, grab my stuff and never see him again. i feel so hurt. i’ve met his family and he’s met mine. i believed we’d get married and everything lol. him being a sexist fetish-y creep is rly unexpected. i know i’m going to have to speak to him though, if i can’t manage to pack all of my things & go before he returns. do i tell him why i’m leaving him & confront him? or do i just say i’m not into him anymore….give an ambiguous answer and then go. idk, i’m so nervous. i’m scared that if i confront him he’ll become angry. but he might also get angry if i give an ambiguous answer. really don’t know what to do.

No. 182525

File: 1619715462208.jpg (98.53 KB, 850x450, Virtual-Hug-Icon-002.jpg)

Oh my god anon, I'm so sorry that this happenned to you. I think you should definitely confront him about it.
>i feel so disgusting inside.
please don't say that about yourself, you were never the one who did something bad here and you couldn't guessed it. This is all wrong, he should be the one who's ashamed. I'm wishing you the best for the futur!

No. 182533

I’d not even mention the Twitter stuff to him, just break up. I dealt with something similar before (I saw something totally insane he wrote in a group chat with his friends, basically fetishizing me to a ridiculous degree) and when I brought it up, he said “it was a joke and I was taking it too seriously” and all the usual shit. He’ll either make up some lie about it being his twin brother’s account or he was just kidding around and you’re being too serious. Just not worth the aggravation. The dming other women is reason enough to break up, even if he owns up to it and promises to change, you already know how he really thinks. Wish you the best, nonnie.

No. 182597

Fuck's sake. I'm sorry anon, his behavior is disgusting. I totally agree with >>182533 because when a scrote does something this blatantly repulsive and disrespectful within the relationship you don't owe him shit. He knows it's fucked. He knows and doesn't care, and you shouldn't have to put up with any of that. Don't give him the chance to try and worm his way out of it and make excuses. Frankly, there's no excusing what he did/is doing so there's no point in discussing it. He's a cheater, a racist and a degenerate. Follow your gut and just get away from him. If you end up needing to go back to get more of your stuff, just give him a time to expect you and let him know you'll be bringing people with you so he doesn't feel emboldened to blame his own inadequacy on you. He has no respect for you, trash that he is, but shame will likely keep him in check when others are present. You might want to screenshot a few things you found as well, in case you have any joint friends and need to defend yourself before he tries to cover his tracks.

No. 182634

I’m in a situation and idk what is appropriate.
Sent nudes outside my relationship even thought I loved him, he broke up with me.
So we are in a lease together. I want to move out, we cannot sublease it. The options would then to either have him take over the lease or break it which comes with a fee. I thought we should split it but he’s saying that I should pay for it entirely because I’m deciding to break the lease.

I can see his POV, and it would help him a lot, but idk if I’m being kind or codependent as I financially supported him a lot.

I also understand that what I did hurt him which caused him to leave me, but it feels like some financial apology? Which idk how to feel about?

No. 182636

Take the easiest way out. Eat the fee, move out and stay away from him. You're right that you should pay as some sort of karma for being an ass

The other option is to have him pay half, which is not happening. Just pay and go instead of dragging this out

No. 182640

No, he doesn't get to fuck you over financially just because you made a mistake (and I read about your earlier problems; it is partly on him for not addressing his intimacy issues). The lease was entered into with both of your best intentions and now he is legally responsible to handle his fair share. Maybe I'm misreading something but why can't he just take over full responsibility for the lease and payments if he's wanting to stay there? Either that or he pays his half for breaking it early. Or else you both continue living there and paying half until it's over. Call his bluff, I doubt he wants to continue living together either.

No. 182642

Yeah I don't want to drag the process or make it any worse.

I appreciate your kindness and consideration that the infidelity is a symptom of a deep problem.
He does have the option to take over the lease. I asked him if his plan was to live as roommates for the remainder and of course he doesn't want to. He just keeps phrasing it as 'I'm breaking the lease'.
Part of me wants to pay it just so he won't hate me more but also I'm trying to do the whole 'not be codependent' and be only concerned with my problems now.

No. 182644

My relationship with my boyfriend isn't good and I'm more miserable than happy. I know we need to break up but I'm having a really hard time doing so. We don't live together but we spend all day and every day together when we aren't working, it's been this way for a year now and it's just really scary for me to think that whole routine will be gone permanently. How do I get over this dumb anxiety about having this routine being gone and how do I break up?

No. 182645

I would tell him if he wants to take over the lease then he absolutely pays the rest on his own because you won't freaking be there. Tell him you'll discuss it with the landlord if he has any doubts about that, because I'm almost certain they'll side with you. Shit sucks all around for both of you, he doesn't get to make himself out to be the long-suffering victim when he made the big boy decision to sign a legal document saying he is responsible for payments. He's being petulant and selfish.

No. 182646

You were unfaithful. Sure maybe the relationship wasn't satisfying you, but if that's the case, you break up with the person instead of cheating on them. The lease is being broken because of your betrayal. If it were a normal break up, you would both split the cost, but you fucked things up, so you eat it. Avoiding codependency doesn't mean you get to just take the easy way out. Pay the whole fee and leave him.

No. 182649

Anon states she's already supported him a lot financially before this. He doesn't need to get any more from her. Sounds like a typical leeching scrote, intimacy issues or not. Her mistake does not absolve him of making payments on a legal document he chose to sign.

No. 182658

He wants to maintain the lease. She wants to break it. If she wants to break it but he does not, then she should be the one to pay. He's honoring the legal document. She wants to get out of it. She has a way of getting out like she wants, but it's not his responsibility to pay for something he does not want to do that is only happening because of her betrayal.

No. 182661

Was in a similar situation. I had a relationship end because of my actions (not cheating but being way too much lashing out at him when angry) I took over the full amount of the lease for its remainder and I didn't fight him, yeah I felt somewhat bitter about the sudden expense but honestly the breakup was on me so I look back and I'm glad I didn't fight him over finances and further cement myself as an asshole. There's value in walking away with some dignity and not doubling down on hurting and fighting an ex.

I now see circumstances like that as just taking accountability for the consequences of your own actions. It's unfair to already damage someones trust, hurt them emotionally and then land them with the bill for the fallout you just caused.

No. 182669

Fuck off and die

No. 182674

God anon how many times will you post about it? Did sending nudes not give you enough attention?

No. 182675

I just genuinely wanted an opinion. I don't have many places to bounce ideas off of and I just wanted to see the opinions of others.

No. 182676

agreed, best to cut your losses and pay the fee to save yourself the extra trouble, since you're the one who wants out of the lease. No idea why the unsaged >>182669 thinks it's an opinion that deserves death(minimod)

No. 182681

There’s no rules about saging on /g/ retarded newfag

No. 182683

I don't think it's codependant for you to cover the expense, I see it as quite the opposite. You're taking responsibility for the knock on effect of your own choice.

The way I see it, paying that enables you move on with cleaner hands, less to feel bad for. You broke his trust but at least you didn't add insult to injury by making him quite literally pay for your mistake. It's mature and the right thing to do imo.

No. 182689

It makes morally most sense for you to pay for it because you're the one who wants to move out.

Now if you just want get out with as little as financial damage as possible, especially after you've already financially supported him, do it. I'm all for trying to get as much as possible out of a broken relationship but it's not the route that will save you energy, face or dignity.

So in my eyes it's pretty simple. Want to move out as quickly and smoothly as possible without creating even more bad blood? Pay for it fully. Don't really care and don't mind going through trouble to save as much money as possible? Make him pay for it if you contractually can. It's your choice what you value most.

No. 182768

Just remember that you had a routine before him. You lived and survived your whole life without him existing and you can do it again.

State that you're breaking up with him. Give him a short explanation if you want to– but don't feel that you're obligated to explain yourself. Hold your ground, do not let him negotiate. Then leave.

No. 182817

I don't know if I'm getting mindfucked by this guy or what so pls read and give me your advice :
So I have this online friend for maaaany years( I've never met him irl). At the beginning we were gf/bf but that fell through ( he met someone in real life and ghosted me , yeah). Anyways we got in touch again some years ago and everything has been fine… except that sometimes we are talking and he takes one day to answer or will just stop talking in the middle of a conversation , like I'd ask something and he will be gone and some days later will be like " so what's up". He's been like this since we restarted talking and it has always pissed me off greatly because , I mean who likes to be left talk alone? I've told this to him before but he always says he doesn't mean to make me feel bad and that he's just busy, he talks the same way with all his friends etc etc. Everytime I tell him I should just stop talking with him and delete his number he's like don't do it, I'll try to talk to you more etc etc but after a while it just goes back to how it was before! This most recent time I stopped talking to him for months but then I just started talking to him again and again, he still does the saaame shit as before. Do men do this shit a lot ? Or this guy is just an asshole? I don't know if I should just block him and delete his number but I really do care for him a lot and it hurts me that he's this way

No. 182819

You are only there when it is convenient to him. I would dip, there are reasons why things don't work out and you should save yourself the heart break and blows to your self-esteem. Basic men bait and false promises not worth your time.

No. 182820

If you have to ask, then you’re getting mindfucked. Block him and come out on top in this situation. He is using you and he like how he can keep coming back to you because you’re just that desperate.

No. 182823

How is he using me ? I love him but just as a friend ( I'm in a long term relationship and he knows this). He doesn't ask me for nudes or anything like that. So it makes me wonder why he would want to keep my friendship.

Pls read my above statement. But what you said makes sense.

No. 182825

Why is your current partner okay with this?

No. 182826

He doesn't know the specifics. He knows I have some guy friends from old times that I keep in contact with but that's it

No. 182828

.. so you’re hiding that you’re talking to your ex and even letting him hurt you?

No. 182829

When we were "together" we were practically babies, can't really call that a relationship, like early teens and like I said that was many many many years ago . So I don't really consider him an ex. And yes I don't really talk to my partner about the relationships I have with my old friends that I only keep in touch through WhatsApp cause I don't think he really minds or would mind/ get jealous

No. 182832

>cause I don't think he really minds or would mind/ get jealous
So you have no idea how he'll react but you dear badly because you know the way you're acting with this old friend/ex is inappropriate. The way you are handling this situation is very immature. You need to ask yourself sincerely why you are so emotionally invested in someone you've never met. This sounds like a relationship you can both dip into when you crave attention and can easily leave untouched when it suits, which is exactly what your friend is doing. It's unhealthy and unrewarding - you will never be entitled to his time in the way you once were, and more importantly you have a boyfriend who should be filling that emotional role anyway. Keeping in contact with this guy will ruin your relationship for nothing, block him or accept that he is a virtual friend only who will never be a part of your life in a meaningful way and start caring a lot less about him ghosting you.

No. 182833

I can put a hand on my heart and say I'm not behaving innapropiately but I think what you said makes sense. Maybe subconsciously. Either way thank you anon ( and other anons) for opening my eyes.

No. 182880

In an LDR of one month. We've known each other for a year as online friends and have had that slow burn intimacy ramp up at the start of this year. The honeymoon phase went strong until this week when I noticed him distancing and doling less affection. I asked him about it calmly, not expecting much. Turns out his feelings were more complicated than that.
The three long blocks of texts from him explaining himself and phone call later on ensured a lot of talking. The biggest issues were 1) him being overwhelmed balancing the time needed for our relationship and IRL priorities, which he struggled to get ahold of after dealing with an Internet addiction; 2) his waning intimacy/attraction to me after cybersex (he's ace. I'm not and was very cautious trying video sex out because of that. He enthusiastically gave consent and said he enjoyed the encounter without anxiety more than expected afterwards); 3) his anxieties that our relationship had moved too fast and the uncertainty for the future.
I was surprised that he didn't want to break up despite all this. He said that he couldn't give a definitive answer to that in his mental state. To him the core of "our dynamic" hadn't changed. I interpreted that as him being unsure of whether he was committed to the LDR and me and decided to give him space for a week with barebones texting, which is one of the things he wanted. This was to give him time to recover, see if he still missed me in a romantic sense beyond companionship, and give myself time to process the worst case scenario.
However, a day later, reflection provided a new angle. With the things he had said and me knowing that his closed-off personality, isn't it more likely that he's majorly depressed instead of a straightforward hot-and-cold? I don't want to drop the diagnosis without the degree, but the things he's said and his past behaviors match the symptoms. I'm also depressed myself so I'm kicking myself for letting my ego overwhelm my wisdom in that moment. If that's the case then I don't think the week-long break is a good idea because that encourages further distance. We should talk things out again.
But forgoing waiting and breaking the quasi-silence in the first place would disrespect our current boundaries. Maybe he does need the time alone. Today he just sent me Soko's first album without context and seenzoned the ambient album I sent back. I'd want my partner to reach out in this scenario but he's the "I can handle my problems alone", Batman-esque type. Pls help, farmers. I want to support my boyfriend and not create emotional dependence on either end. How?

No. 182881

>He’s asexual, I’m not
Dump him.

No. 182884

Have to agree here >>182881. You're 0% sexually compatible. Imo sexual compability is such a fundamental part of a good and healthy relationship that you can't compromise on it, at the very least not to the extent that you're literal opposites.

You're only one month in, LDR, he's ace you're not, he has mental health issues, there's nothing of value here for you.

No. 182960

>LDR, he's ace you're not, he has mental health issues
These are open to compromise and aren't dealbreakers to me. Harder to navigate all three at once, sure, but workable. I don't mind the nature of an LDR. We're in different countries close to each other. I can take care of my sexual needs on my own since my drive isn't high, and before this talk he wasn't sex adverse. Asexuality is another spectrum. Even before this relationship I was cynical about media placing sex on a pedestal. As mentioned earlier I have long term depression and am seeking help for it. Am stable now. I've experienced its lowest lows and wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone dump a partner who was open about their suffering in a candid yet vulnerable manner. I can support him through that without dependency or losing myself.
>only one month in
Would be easier to cut the potential pain ahead now with a logical mindset while there's minimal emotional investment. I get that. I didn't come here asking for breakup advice though. I want him and to try staying together if he's willing. Easier lovers in our own countries are out there for both of us. Easy is nice. Being with him is nice and other spectacular adjectives. Outside of those issues our chemistry, bond, and communication is great. He isn't a scrote and has other virtues I could extol. There are drawbacks but I disagree in regards to the relationship being valueless.

No. 182968

>Even before this relationship I was cynical about media placing sex on a pedestal
Based on what? Have you had a normal in-person relationship where sexual intimacy was prioritized and are now happier without it?

>isn't it more likely that he's majorly depressed instead of a straightforward hot-and-cold?

It doesn’t matter, either instance results in his emotional unavailability. He is clearly unprepared for a relationship. You can dump him now or let him slowly freeze you out of his own accord, your choice. You say you want to “support him” in the case of depression but that just means being willing to lend an ear or say nice things when he’s down. Ultimately that fight is one he has to face himself if he ever wants to get better, as you well know. Is he in therapy? On medication? Anything?

>Being with him is nice and other spectacular adjectives.

You live in different countries and he’s asexual. You are not “with him.” What was the point of transitioning to a supposed romantic relationship with him when there’s no difference between it and the friendship you already had aside from added stress and uncomfortable cybersex?

No. 182977

>Have you had a normal in-person relationship where sexual intimacy was prioritized and are now happier without it?
Yes. Wouldn't say I'm happier without it, more neutral—sexual intimacy's a bonus like extra toppings. I was ace without labelling it until a sexual assault prior to my last relationship. I believe that romantic intimacy is not confined to sexualized actions.
>You say you want to “support him” in the case of depression but that just means being willing to lend an ear or say nice things when he’s down.
Having friends and a partner around just for that helped me immensely. If he refuses to seek help and support himself, then I'd call it quits because that alone can't help, yeah. He hasn't said outright that he's depressed beyond citing "mental issues" so I think he hasn't fully embraced that truth or possibility. He's still in the questioning and struggling to help himself alone phase. Thus no therapy or medication yet. This is new to him. I'll bring this up when we talk again. That's part of my support. I'd be willing to help him look for a therapist and adjust to his needs.
>What was the point of transitioning to a supposed romantic relationship with him when there’s no difference between it and the friendship you already had aside from added stress and uncomfortable cybersex?
Wanting to meet each other and see if our pheromones meshed enough to share a potential future. COVID is the only factor holding us back from meeting to gauge this. Our desired lifestyles and hobbies are niche and miraculously in sync. I'm an oddball in that if I feel that rare, strong connection with someone, I'm willing to put in the work to help myself and be patient while waiting if they do the same. I'd understand if our relationship is just a burden and added stressor to him which he can't deal with while recovering. We're too new a couple to be in love. Breaking up now would hurt less than being in 2+ year relationship. But he isn't a burden to me. I've been reigning in my depression so that it doesn't affect others.
>You are not “with him.”
We're in an LDR…that's "with him" enough for me.

No. 182995

> We're in an LDR…that's "with him" enough for me
let's be real. if your so-called "relationship" was enough for you, then you probably wouldn't be seeking advice from anons. you're getting defensive when we're just trying give you what you asked for. you haven't even met each other irl. you sound very young and inexperienced. you've said that you don't want to create emotional dependence but that's literally what a serious relationship entails. he's asked you to give him space and he said he's anxious about moving too fast. he's telling you that you're coming on too strong. you've said that his attraction to you waned after you had cybersex. if you knew he was ace, why would you initiate that encounter? just because he said he enjoyed it doesn't mean that he actually did, and honestly, it sounds like that was the turning point for him when he realized he's just not that into you. it's not a good sign that things are this bad in the first month. the honeymoon phase usually lasts longer than that.

No. 183001

No offense nonnie, but you seem very young and immature. You don’t seem to be understanding the points from the other anons, and your responses are stubborn and unwilling to recognize that such a short relationship shouldn’t have such major issues this early on. The picture I’m getting is that you’re head over heels for this guy while he’s basically told you he’s not that interested in you, but he wants to keep you around because you’re probably a great listener and he can unload his problems on you. I think you should cut your losses and remove this dude from your life, you don’t sound ready for a relationship at all. A big part of any relationship succeeding is when both parties know what they want; anyone who gives you mixed messages and isn’t sure about wanting to be with you is bound to lead to a dysfunctional dynamic. Going into a relationship looking to “help” the other person out of their depression is never a good start either.

No. 183008

My gf and I were on campus and she held the door for this absolutely gorgeous 10/10 woman. When we got in the elevator, she mentioned in an embarrassed way that she made out with the woman a few days before our first date, but nothing came of it. I know it's literally nothing but I feel so mogged. I am probably autistic (getting tested next month) and this is my first non-LDR relationship. I guess I'm afraid gf will get tired of me and leave for a normal person even though she's so sweet to me. Aaahh.

No. 183016

I think it's a good sign your gf decided to be transparant and honest about what happened unprompted. Don't automatically jump to negative thoughts and assumptions!

No. 183023

I agree with >>183016 - it would be really uncomfortable if you saw the girl together but then found out from someone else, like one of her friends being all "Oh did you know your gf made out with her?" Instead, she didn't want there to be any secrets between you even if it never came up. A partner taking the initiative to be open and forthcoming starts off in my good graces since I've known so many people who stay silent when it comes to discussing important information or just outright lying. Transparency is a virtue. And don't worry about the other girl, I know it's a tired phrase but looks really aren't everything. When you're attracted to someone's character, they gain a glow that overwhelms mere physical beauty in others, even if someone else is more "mainstream" attractive. It seems like your girlfriend is feeling that warmth towards you.

No. 183029

My boyfriend tends to say im objectifying him. Do you think I am? I usually compliment him and his body because i mean….I like it. When he takes his shirt off I look at him. Is this objectification? He's my boyfriend, of course i like how he looks and want to look at him/his body.

No. 183030

No lmao.

No. 183032

Would he rather you not look at his body when he undresses? Maybe he's pushing back because he's uncomfortable by compliments? Was he a fat kid or something?

No. 183034

This is your brain on Twitter, jesus.

No. 183035

He doesn't even have any social media or an up to date phone to download apps so he's never used twitter. He's also never been overweight. I think i'll just have a chat with him about it, I just needed to know if I was objectifying him or not before I talked about it with him. I was second guessing myself.

I think it may be him 'joking' i don't usually get them cause he seems so serious.

No. 183038

Sounds like you're just physically attracted to him in a completely normal way. It's not like you treat him as literally nothing but a hot body. Is he insecure or something?

No. 183163

thanks yall, i feel a lot better now.

No. 183164

This is the stupidest thing I've read in a long time, my brain hurts.

No. 183175

Reposting from stupid questions thread

Why is it that the people who are always into me, aren't 100% my type?
Like, there's this girl who has always liked me, and she's cute, she's an afro latina and I find her hot. She has always been very romantic towards me and affectionate. Her personality can be weird but she treats me like I'm her treasure.

But then there's this other person, who I consider "my first love", the first person I fell in love with. He ticked all my boxes, he aroused and attracted me greatly, and honestly we had a pretty good time. But he's emotionally unavailable and immature, and doesn't know what he wants.

Honestly, why the fuck does this happen to me? Can't my brain just amicable settle for the best option (the girl)? I still have lingering feelings for the dude, and I wish everything went back to how it was before. What is wrong with me?

No. 183180

I think this is somewhat normal among both men and women. We all want what we can’t have, so to speak. We sometimes see the “easier” person as less desirable because we feel we don’t need to put forth as much effort to get them, and more effort equals more worth in our monkey brains. Oftentimes we think the person we “worked” more to get will treat us better, but that isn’t always true. Ask yourself if you’d really be happy with someone who’s emotionally unavailable and doesn’t know what they want or if you’re just idealizing that person. You owe it to your current girl to figure things out, you shouldn’t be treating her like you’re settling.

No. 183221

hey anons how can i be more approachable? do you have to be 10/10 for men to approach and ask you out irl? what kind of clues would someone give when they're interested in you? how are you supposed to reciprocate?

No. 183229

Do I give a chance to a guy that is only 20 when I am 28? We share similar interests and he at least approached his interest in me because of my aesthetic in how I dressed and how he liked my eyes?

Or should I leave it?

No. 183235

I don't think anyone is 100% perfectly anyone's type. It seems that ~true love~ is just accepting and adoring someone regardless of whether they meet everything on the checklist.
That sounds cheesy, but true of all the long-lasting relationships I've seen. And I've loved people who are not "my type" so often that only 1-2 traits define it now kek.

Also, give yourself a break to get over this dude. It's always taken me ~a year to get over big feelings completely, so if you're a sentimental bitch like me you also just need the time.

No. 183247

>do you have to be 10/10 for men to approach and ask you out irl?
I'm not sure why you'd think this, but the exact opposite is true. Many men are too intimidated by very attractive women to approach them at all, much less ask them out. Because of this they often only get the most brazen dipshits who feel they have nothing to lose talking to them and "negging" them in an attempt to manipulative them into the low self esteem they usually already have. Average women are approached far more often because guys think they'll actually have a chance. You can make the leap in logic: Being approached more isn't any blessing but usually only indicates a scrote thinking "yeah, she'll do" rather than being really into you. This is only in reference to strangers approaching you though. If you know someone casually then the most you can do is strike up conversation with them and show an interest in them/their activities. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't blind when it comes to picking up signals of interest. If you've made an effort to speak to a man, get to know him, give him a few more personal compliments, then trust me, he understands he has an opening when it comes to asking you out. If they want to, they will. Don't waste time pining after a guy who doesn't have the proper amount of maturity, drive and balls to take the initiative.

No. 183249

Eeh. What's your interest in him? If you just want a fuck buddy then sure, but he's still basically a kid right now and won't know wtf he wants or even who he is for at least another 5 or so years. If you're fine with the immaturity he's sure to have and the potential relationship having an expiration date, then go for it.

No. 183258

idk but i think you probably have to be at least a 5/10 kek.
t. a 4/10 living a very peaceful yet lonely unapproached life

No. 183276

Don’t date anyone whose frontal lobe isn’t fully developed yet

No. 183277

Hey girls I need some advice here. My bf was feeling shitty a few nights ago his anxiety prevented him from going to somewhere he really wanted to go. I texted him and told him how much I loved him and that I thought he was super kind, talented and just a very sweet person. So that was fine whatever. He said he’d come over the following night for dinner. I’m trying my best to make sure he’s ok. I asked him a few times what kind of snacks he wants in for the night he took ages getting back to me and never answered my actual question. That kinda pissed me off I was trying my best to cheer him up and to make him feel better. He said he was leaving about 5, 5 came and went I heard nothing but could see he was active on insta, 5:30 he said he was on his way. It just rubbed me the wrong way, it’s as if he couldn’t be bothered. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so he came over and the vibes were just weird, sometimes he can act a bit strange and that can put me on edge. I was trying so hard to make the night nice so he could relax but I feel like a ruined it completely. I love him dearly but I feel I take everything way too personally. Anons what do I do?

No. 183292

These sorts of things happen with people who have untreated mental issues. I remember many an occassion where I would organize really fun nights, taking my former partner to nice restaurants and cool events, but he'd just be totally zoned out (I'd check with him beforehand to see if he was in a good mindset and he'd say yes). I would stay as upbeat as I could and he would sometimes apologize afterwards for ruining the mood, but the fact was that yeah, things that should've been really fun were dragged down by the dark depressive miasma emanating from him. I might sound callous talking about it in retrospect but I was always very supportive and optimistic yet willing to discuss anything serious he was going through. Didn't make a difference. Your partner is the only one who can fix these things for himself. People who have these issues need to be actively working on themselves if they want a relationship because they drag people down unless they do otherwise. Believe me, I understand anxiety and depression but it's selfish to expect someone else to frequently put up with your bullshit if you can't even be bothered to work on yourself.

So is he doing anything to address his problem? If not, are you willing to accept the fact there will be many more events like this where you put all your effort into giving him a good time but he still won't be able to appreciate it? (The answer to that should be "no.") If he is working to improve and you want to stay with him, then you need to develop a thick skin and accept that he will have moments like this and during those times you should go out with other friends or on your own instead. Your life shouldn't be put on pause because he's having a bad night, but he also needs to be more upfront about when he's not in a good place rather than saying he is then being a downer. Develop better boundaries and don't put up with a wishy washy attitude. "Hey so I'm expecting you at 5 tonight, if you don't give me confirmation you're coming at that time I'm going to the movies with so-and-so instead," or whatever else you'd prefer to do.

No. 183294

Thanks anon that’s really insightful. I’m going to try and tell him tonight, I didn’t appreciate the fact that I was pretty much ignored when I tried to organise things. I always try my best but I was really disappointed that night. I got upset and it was really stupid of me but I felt like I’d just annoyed him all night so that made me feel a bit shitty. I want to work it out with him he’s a great guy he really is and I can see a future with him I just think we need better communication on both sides of our relationship. We get along great and have a lot of things in common. I love him with all my heart and he always tells me he loves me too I just need him to think of me sometimes, actions speak louder than words.

No. 183346

> I got upset and it was really stupid of me
ntayrt but it's not stupid of you to get upset when you always try your best for someone who clearly does not. it's not stupid of you to expect basic decency and respect from your guy. you're not taking it too personally at all. you deserve the same kindness and care that you give to him.

No. 183357

Thank you anon, sometimes I just get a bit anxious and I sometimes doubt my own feelings as if I shouldn’t have got upset over something so trivial. I feel like I could have handled it a bit better, I think he’s a bit oblivious to the lengths I go to for him sometimes. He was fine when he first came in I was a bit cold but I stopped myself from spiralling into a stupid mood, I brushed it off and apologised I didn’t want to make the night stressful or weird. We were totally fine we were laughing and joking, then he just got a bit kind of weird as if I was just pissing him off. I really tried my best to cheer him up I feel like I failed and made him feel worse.

No. 183359

>I really tried my best to cheer him up I feel like I failed and made him feel worse.
His mood is not your responsibility.

No. 183468

i've told my bf i love him twice now. the first time was toward the beginning of the year, the second time was a few days ago (during sex). both times i said it because i genuinely felt it in the moment. he said he loved me back both times. he's never said it to me first though. should i stop saying it until he says it first?

No. 183469

Just ask him why he's never said it first instead of trying to bait him into saying it. Maybe he has a reason for it. If he won't say it first you'll probably start to resent him but since he doesn't know something is wrong he can't defend himself.

No. 183471

Don't play games, you're not 14. Just ask him

No. 183472

If he wanted to, he would.

No. 183473

I’m not really sure where to post this so I guess this would be the best place. I’m in desperate need of help.
My boyfriend constantly accuses me of cheating on him, which I would never do, have never done, nor have I given him any real reason to think I would do so. I don’t have any close guy friends, I can’t drive, I don’t even have many close friends in general. This has been going on for over a year now (we’ve been together for 3+) and I’ve completely isolated myself from social media, deleted so many randoms because he was suspicious, at one point we were working together and I had to avoid all conversation with other guy coworkers because it would put him in a sour mood all day.
I know this is a lot but stay with me here. All of these instances HAVE been of my own volition because during arguments I would get so tired and driven crazy that deleting someone I don’t care about that much to prove myself was better than going in circles arguing with my s/o.
I’ve done everything I can possibly think of to appease his mind but no matter what explanation I give him, he thinks of some other way I could get around him and sneak. He went as far as looking up how snapchat works when blocking people, apparently they won’t show up in any of your history if you just continue to block them after; he thinks I do those sorts of things to lie and sneak past him.
He’s gone through my phone and found nothing. I’ve refused to go through his but I guarantee to all of you that he’s not cheating on me. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so tired and on edge all the time. There’s a lot more I could tell and I do understand I’m probably in an unhealthy situation but I love him so much and I don’t think anything that’s happened between us isn’t unfixable if that makes sense. Whether I need a slap in the face or some advice on what to say to him I’m all ears

No. 183474

i don't see the point of asking something like that, it's weird and forward. i'm not trying to force him into saying it first i just wanna know if it's a good idea to not say it and let things flow more "quietly"

No. 183477

>I guarantee to all of you that he’s not cheating on me.
Yes he is.

No. 183479

this is usually sound advice but it's unnecessary here. some people just don't go around saying "i love you" and show love in other ways, it doesn't mean they don't want to be with you or whatever.

No. 183482

NTA but no reason to be so sure. He could have some past relationship trauma.
Your bf has to address the reason of his jealousy. You're not giving him anything to be worried about, but it has to be coming from somewhere. At this point it's no longer your responsibility, you did all you possibly could to make him feel secure. Would be best if he looked into therapy, even if just one consultation or a few.

No. 183485

Sounds like he has a bit of the ol BPD to be honest, he can't control his own insecurities and paranoia so opts to control you instead. Make him go to therapy or yeet him.

No. 183486

Tell him to get therapy for his trustissues or you're out. You're in a relationship where you're constantly being accused of cheating when you entirely deserve his trust. Mutual trust is a fundamental part of a relationship, if he can't give you something so very basic and he's not willing to work on it then you shouldn't continue. He'll probably say no and turn it around on you but remember that HE has a problem, not you and HE's the one who needs to work on his problems, not you. You've already let this go way, way too far, stand your ground this time.

No. 183493

Not gonna comment on whether that's a good idea or not, but do you think he'll even notice when you do this? If you apparently can count the amount of times you've said it on just one hand and can say when it happened, it doesn't seem like something he'd expect you to say on the regular anyway, which would mean he likely wouldn't even register you stopped saying it.

No. 183494

>it doesn't mean they don't want to be with you
Just because someone wants to be with you doesn't mean they love or care about you as a person, though. Moids especially like to do the whole "my love language is physical touch!" so they don't have to actually commit with their words or actions. Of course he can be in a "relationship" with her and have sex with her but can't tell her he loves her. And let's be real, if he was really going above and beyond in other ways to show that he loved her, she wouldn't be posting here.

No. 183495

File: 1620138362108.jpg (53.73 KB, 436x336, 161457141978262857924671999122…)

"Hey, I was just wondering, why don't you say 'I love you' first? Is there a reason?" Casual, bam, done. You're not forcing him to say anything, stop assuming things and make things clear.

Him not saying it first obviously bothers you and if you're not comfortable with addressing things that bother you, maybe you're not ready for a relationship?

No. 183505

I don’t know how to balance hating all things “poly community” with the fact that I have two partners. I’ve been with them both for years and we have been through a lot together over the years, including one of the partners becoming extremely ill and needing round the clock care.
It’s the culture of the “poly/kink/bdsm/sex positive community” that I hate, not the actual reality of having two loving and supportive partners. We aren’t “kinky” we don’t do public affection or threesomes or anything like that. Also “poly” sometimes gives off the vibe of unicorn-hunting or trying to recruit more members to the “polycule.” And for us, it’s not like that. We have each other and we aren’t looking for anything else.
Anyway, I don’t have any specific advice to ask. I’m just wondering - does having two partners make me a freak automatically? Is it weird to have two partners but be viscerally disgusted by 99% of the “polyamory” community? Is it understandable that, even though it’s been like five years, we all keep our relationship super private so that family and friends don’t think we are poly kink freaks?

No. 183509

He wouldn’t even let you talk to coworkers? He monitors who you have added on Facebook and tells you to delete people? He accuses you of cheating even though he can be basically 100% sure that you’re not cheating, due to the factors you mentioned.
He’s unwell, anon, and he’s making it your problem. And you’re letting him. You’re obliging him even when he’s being completely unreasonable. (I’m sure he’s a manipulative asshole who makes himself sound reasonable to you though.)
He’s isolating you, which is the oldest abuse tactic in the book.
I’d say “leave him” but I know no one ever takes that sort of advice from random internet people.

No. 183527

If you feel like you have to hide it, then you know the answers to your questions, don’t you? If it works for you and the other two individuals, that’s fine, but it’s definitely not the norm, as you are already aware.

No. 183544

Out of curiosity, anon, how does your relationship work? Also is it M/F/M or F/M/F? I've never seen a "normal" poly relationship so I'm curious.

No. 183545

I bet it's f/m/f

No. 183549

what you've described is emotional abuse and manipulation. you think you're deleting people of your own volition when really, you wouldn't be doing that if it weren't for him arguing with you. he goes through your phone but you don't go through his? that's a clear power imbalance.

I tend to agree with >>183477 because, in my experience, the guys who are extremely paranoid about their partners cheating are paranoid because they themselves are cheating. therapy doesn't really work for abusive people either, unless they see that what they're doing is wrong and they want to change.

>>183509 is correct that isolation is an abuse tactic. it's a huge red flag that you don't have any close friends, you've isolated yourself from social media, and you don't drive. this tells me that you rely on him a lot and it will only get worse if you stay with him.

No. 183551

Just a genuine question, how is this gonna work in the long term (assuming you all want to be long term) if you can't make your relationship known to friends or family after 5 years?

No. 183554

Nta but just wanted to say that I've known a seemingly successful M/F/M couple. The main couple, the woman and one of the guys, were married with a child and had been together for over a decade. She also had a boyfriend of several years on the side. The husband did not see any other women. Sounded pretty ideal so far as poly relationships go, and they (the husband and wife, didn't meet the bf) both seemed happy and okay with that setup. Their son knew about his mom's boyfriend but she kept everything separate, didn't have the bf trying to encroach and be an additional father to the kid. She would take semi-regular trips away from the house to spend time with bf but still primarily spent a lot of family time with him and dad. But they were the first to admit that their situation was unique and it likely wouldn't work for most people. They were open about it though and didn't mind other people's curiosity.

No. 183557

He's probably projecting anon. My ex constantly accused me and I have never cheated. He was cheating on me though.

No. 183585

Do friendships count as relationships itt?

I don't know if the pandemic has made me smarter or just socially inept, but I realized I don't like spending time with people I would call my friends as much as I thought I did. That or I have un-learned how to deal with social situations, as in they go just about as well but they are increasingly painful. How do I find out the difference? How on earth do you decide what a good friend is?

No. 183595

>Do friendships count as relationships itt?
They tend to get discussed more in the general advice thread but they technically fit here so pretty sure it's fine.
>How on earth do you decide what a good friend is?
I would say someone who you feel has a positive influence on you and/or whose presence you feel consistently improves the quality of your life. You may just be introverted, like in my case I enjoy having friends but I don't care if I don't see them for several months at a time. I just don't crave a lot of social interaction but knowing we can get in touch if anything especially exciting or negative happens for support is nice, or if there's something that either of us would enjoy more if we did it together. Personally I'm not the type that feels the desire to eat lunch with friends 3x a week and then also watch a movie with them on the weekend and spend all day together doing some activity. I know some people really love that but for me it's just too much and I need space to do things at my own pace. But getting together for like, a concert or visiting a museum together to hear their input or playing a game together, sure. Maybe it's the frequency and type of your interactions that's draining you? Either that or you do just find them boring without anything interesting to add to your life, in which case you shouldn't waste time and energy on those who aren't enjoyable to you.

No. 183602

ok so my partner wants to get married some time, i've never really wanted to, because i've had this idea in my head for the longest that it's beautiful leaving the doors open ie not married but still being together(committedly), because it is confirmation of the love the two share, either one could walk away but they don't because they enjoy each other's company, and you know this for as long as they are together, etc etc hopefully you get the gist.

I've also been thinking about my relpulsion by the thought of being perceived as a "ball and chain". I NEVER want to feel like that, or like i'm holding someone at gun point/hostage, and that puts me off marriage even more so. But then, don't men more times than not have the most to lose in assets/monetarily/material belongings/whatever? Like marriage for them is a gamble, so if they choose to marry you isn't that confirmation of their love and commitment for you? Cheater husbands say otherwise, but then that doesn't explain why these men married those women…. Instead of confirmation, it could maybe mean simply that they think you're a doormat or in the best scenario that they love you the "most" and thought you were worth fucking up and consequently getting divorced and losing money….. I don't know ,,,I'm so conflicted

No. 183603

My ex proposed to me and I genuinely think it was because of the financial benefits of being with me, because he really started to disrespect me once that ring was on my finger. He even started telling me deal breakers on the wedding, he didn't want to do this and this and this and this and this etc and didn't want an engagement party, i never even spoke of marriage I was 20 years old att. 23 is when I left him. He seemed to hate the entire spectacle of being engaged and a wedding yet I have no idea what possessed him to propose.

If you can discuss with your partner the expectations before it happens I think that would make a lot of sense. I think people should discuss marriage before a random proposal, because I felt blindsided by mine and we were living together and I remember that's what I based my decision on. He took me to a remote place to propose and I was like how fucking awkward would it be to say no and then go back to our house together lol.

I think generally marriage is more beneficial to women, but really it depends on the individual factors and who is the breadwinner etc.

No. 183617


Dump him. low value bullshit.

No. 183619

> don't men have the most to lose in marriage?
no. usually women are the ones to lose their names by marrying men. statistically, women are more likely than men to become impoverished after marriage, and women are more likely to lose out on earning capacity because of family responsibilities and unpaid household labour. the costs of taking care of dependents are disproportionately assumed by women. studies have shown that men consistently overestimate their share of domestic work.

some legal scholars have conceptualized husbands and wives as capital assets, and have argued that women are generally less highly values than men in the marriage market following a divorce, and therefore typically suffer larger losses as a result.

No. 183620

We both currently work, I don't have any benefits, if anything I'm worse off than him. But marriage seems iffy, I don't know if I've had bad examples but the men are horrible and seem to hate being married. I feel I'll get it in my head that he's only with me because he doesn't want me to have his stuff etc and not because he really wants to.
oh wow I didn't know that, so many men nowadays are turned off by marriage because of supposed risk involved for them monetarily

>some legal scholars have conceptualized husbands and wives as capital assets, and have argued that women are generally less highly values than men in the marriage market following a divorce, and therefore typically suffer larger losses as a result.

Is this saying divorced women are less likely than divorced men to remarry? sorry i'm a dummy lol

No. 183622

Idk about that study but it seems a bit outdated. Marriage has changed a lot recently even the connotations and people can do prenups and all now. I know a lot of people that have been able to remarry after getting divorced. Honestly why would a divorcee be looked at unfavourable in the dating market compared to say an unmarried single parent? Society isn't as traditional today so I guess you can make marriage what you want.

I think it's nice your boyfriend brought it up and it's open the channels for you two to talk about it and really feel out what it means for your future.

No. 183623

He hasn't brought up anything about a prenup……. I wonder if he assumed I know it'd be included… Might as well not marry, seriously I don't understand what the point of marriage is especially now that you brought up prenups. He thinks me not wanting to get married is "sus at best, a whore at worst" because i'll "just say ok i've met someone better bye! nice knowing ya!". I explained I didn't need marriage to a faithful person

No. 183625

Ugh sorry to hear it's took a turn. It's not as if a ring guarantees commitment, it's a nice sentiment I guess. I only mentioned prenups because marriage doesn't have to work in the traditional sense that assets get tied up etc if you don't want that. There's even just civil partnerships. Honestly it does just seem very administrative unless you're the type that's been dreaming of a wedding. I've never fantasised about my wedding. I've fantasised about having a husband though, but that's more about just the notion that I'm committed to spending my life with a man and that's when I would agree with you that commitment doesn't have to be a legally binding contract, since they can be voided.

I wish you luck on your future discussions.

No. 183626

Sorry to samefag, but thinking more. Maybe it's a status thing for your boyfriend. Like him being able to call your his wife and that he's your husband. I'm sure that can be sentimental to some people. Honestly, if you both love each other and want to spend the future together I'm sure you'll both be able to figure it out.

No. 183645

OP here. Thanks for all the words, and sorry for not giving anymore context. it’s been a rough day.
i think knowing that we’ve been dating since we were teenagers, and I’m his first serious girlfriend is kind of worth noting. We were friends before hand as well
I should clarify that I wasn’t necessarily not allowed to talk to co-workers, go on Instagram, etc.. it just got to a point where I had to answer about passing interactions. I just avoided the other guy workers in general to avoid the confrontation altogether. Same goes for friends online, he would just bother me about them for so long that I would delete them to simply “shut him up”, for lack of a better term.
I should also note that him and I have had many emotional conversations about the state of our relationship and how his attitude affects me so I’m just not sure what to think. For example, he would point out that me deleting people due to his influence is toxic on his end, he says he understands how annoying/ frustrating/ upsetting to be accused constantly.
I have a sneaking suspicion he might struggle with some sort of mood disorder or OCD, and he has mentioned medication or therapy before. Knowing him though I just don’t think he would see it through, I think he’d get cold feet especially going to therapy.
I’ve been through his phone before I guess you could say, but he’s genuinely that type of guy that keeps low social media presence. He doesn’t like other girls pictures, he doesn’t have any gal pals. He himself isn’t very social so I genuinely don’t think it’s a case of projection. It would honestly be easier that way.
I’m just constantly sad because I don’t do anything wrong, I’m really low maintenance, I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I feel like I’ve been a really great girlfriend. I don’t understand why I’m being punished for not doing anything wrong.
Any time I try to express how upset these accusations make me, it just turns into “oh you’re offensive so it must be true” if I act nonchalant it’s, “that’s suspicious of you why aren’t you denying it”.
Note: I want to rip my hair out the next time I hear the word “sus”. I hate that he learned that word.
I’m sorry for rambling on and on, I just haven’t talked to anyone about this stuff and I don’t know where to go anymore.

Is he just “empathizing” with me to keep me around his finger and he’s truly a manipulative POS or is he just painfully insecure???

No. 183652

The first part of >>183549 is important: What he's doing is emotional abuse. As she said, you wouldn't feel the need to delete people and do all this stuff if it weren't for your partner's constant harassment. Just because he recognizes that it's toxic and thinks about therapy, doesn't change the fact that he hasn't actually done anything to fix it.
>truly a manipulative POS or is he just painfully insecure???
It doesn't have to be one or the other. My ex who emotionally abused me for 3 years also swore up and down that he was crazy in love with me, acknowledged that he was wrong (when he was in a calm and stable enough state), and dealt with a lot of self esteem issues. But while all of that was very insightful, none of it excused what he was doing to me. It doesn't matter if he acknowledges the problem if he doesn't take steps to fix it. Some issues are too big and running on scripts too deep for people to handle alone. You both see what's going on, so now the question is whether you're going to keep enabling him.

I don't mean for this to sound like I'm blaming you because I understand all the emotional entanglement and wanting to believe he'll get better just by thinking about it hard enough, but that isn't how it works. If you told an alcoholic partner to stop drinking and they acknowledge they have a problem and should probably go to AlAnon, but it continues for years… obviously nothing has changed. At some point there have to be repurcussions for people doing bad things, whether that's the partner saying they're going to leave unless they get help or the drunkard running over an innocent person. Don't be the roadkill - you shouldn't have to be collateral damage in his quest to grow up. Put your foot down and draw boundaries. "This has been a huge issue for over a year and I am at my breaking point. You say you have attempted to curb your behavior but it hasn't stopped, so clearly this is something you need help doing. There is no problem between us, but your damaging beliefs are making it a reality. Set up an appointment with a therapist or I will presume this relationship is over." I know it sucks to have to set ultimatums, but to be frank, you've been asking nicely and it's not working. At this point you either put up with it forever, and you shouldn't have to live that way, or you give him the opportunity to step up. The ball will then be in his court and you see whether you mean enough to him to swallow his pride and accept he needs help, or he decides he wants to take the easy route and lose you.

No. 183660

funny you mention that because we already call eachother that lollll I guess he wants to make it formal? Also my parents didn't get married or have a wedding and they're not even together anymore but his parents did, I've seen the wedding pictures, really cute, so maybe he's grown up romanticizing weddings. I don't think it's about the contract for him either because he said he would like to AT LEAST have a small ceremony. The "small" part is probably to not make me uncomfortable because I loathe attention. He loves being in the spotlight so maybe it really has to do with status like you say. Although the way he talked about it does make me want to pretty myself up and whatnot and feel special for a day, idk if that's bad or not. The marrying for perceived status I mean. I have to talk more about it with him

No. 183667

>"sus at best, a whore at worst"
He said this to you word for word and you didn't beat his ass then leave him? I think you have bigger issues than the marriage question. I cannot imagine any healthy relationship where a man would infer his partner might be a whore or even use that terminology to refer to women in the first place.

No. 183672

>"sus at best, a whore at worst"
My god you didn't actually allow him to say that to your face right?

No. 183679

Also, are they both zoomers? I don't know anyone over the age of 23 using "sus." Too young to get married in the first place.

No. 183718

You got me, I’m the 21 y/o zoomer lol he’s 25 (is that genz?). I NEVER say “sus” irl that’s just how I personally abbreviate it and I thought everyone did too? It’s not that deep anyways and it’s not like he wants to get married tomorrow.
Yes but he knows I’m not just used it to get me to see it from his perspective. I get what he means, basically like an unfaithful person he just talks very crudely. Tbh when I word it like that it just sounds like he was trying to guilt trip me or whatever

No. 183721

Sounds too familiar.
I've considered these to be emotional abuse from fear of abandonment and tangled some trauma based narc male/entitlement.
When there's no explanation and you literally can't do anything different to avoid his rage and paranoia.

It's abuse. Subtle. Hard to call out. When I've called his behaviour emotionally abusive and then 'abusive' became his favourite word to describe me standing up for myself.

It's been 8+ years.
This guy won't change.
All the best to you - you don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve you. No matter how much you love him.

No. 183734

I'll say it again, a man who casually refers to women (even unfaithful ones) as whores is not a good man. It reflects an extremely sexist outlook. Has he ever called a man a whore? Somehow I doubt it. You've been pondering why marriage is so important to him for a few posts but he already told you directly. There's a saying: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He is expressing that the reason he wants to get married is because he feels like you'll eventually cheat on him otherwise and wants to tie you down. His concept of marriage is rooted in the idea of ownership, not mutual partnership. This is likely to get worse once he's actually married you. You're treating this very lightly and making excuses for him, but imo you aren't taking it seriously enough. You are also very young. Statistically speaking it's extremely unlikely this relationship will last. Don't trap yourself in a relationship with this man until you've actually had some time to live and determine what you want for yourself. If you aren't yet interested in leaving him for the gross attitude, at least say you want to wait 4+ years to take the next step.

This is coming from someone who got married at 20 and ignored older women saying I should probably wait. Divorce isn't quite as easy as people are making it out to be and I would've loved to avoid it entirely. I really, really hope you will give yourself time to get to know yourself better and explore other people who aren't misogynists.

No. 183740

I’m a woman with two male partners. I’ve been with one for five years and the other for three years. They’re both straight so they’re not romantically/sexually involved with each other, but they’re close like family/bros. They’re both supportive of my relationship with both of them, and they’re supportive to each other as well. (Which is very much needed because I forget if I mentioned in my original post that one has a serious illness and sometimes needs lots of support through difficult times like surgery, chemo, etc.)

We are very happy as a little household/family whatever you’d call it. No issues from within the relationship, it’s purely just my extreme discomfort with the whole “libfem redditor poly community” type of culture. It’s not like I’m going to dump either of them to avoid being seen as a person like that but it still makes me cringe into infinity to ever talk about this stuff with anyone, because I really don’t want to come off as one of those types.

Yeah, that pretty much makes sense.

I honestly don’t know and that’s the part that is an issue for me. I mean yeah I suppose we can just keep doing what we are doing, where we don’t tell anyone the situation. It’s not like we go out of our way to hide it. The two of us that have been together longer have definitely been questioned about why we have “such a close friend” who seems to spend an unusual amount of time together with us, and our stock response is “he’s like family to us!!” …I’m sure some of our friends and family have figured it out if they’re not stupid, but I guess they understand it’s not something we all want to talk about.

It’s nice to know there are other successful case studies. However I’m not sure how I feel about involving kids in a situation like that. If any of us planned to have kids we would probably not have been okay with this relationship format. But two of us can’t have kids (and don’t want any) while the other just doesn’t want any, so it isn’t an issue for us.

No. 183778

Hi, anons. I feel really frustrated and I don't know how to deal with my feelings so I am looking for some advice. My boyfriend is majorly against the porn industry, only fans, all that jazz. He genuinely is, I believe - he talks badly of it without being promoted while not being disrespectful of women, and it seems to be something he wishes were far different. My difficulty is that he says he tries not to watch porn (we don't live together, I go over each weekend and stay for about 3 days), and I'll accidentally find evidence of it. I feel so upset internally when this happens and my BPD brain always feels like it's something personal against me, or like he did that on purpose against the fact he says he doesn't watch porn. We talked about it last weekend and he says he is ashamed of the times he does look at porn (it's instathots and amateur stuff, and no he doesn't follow any or save their posts, but clearly he knows of them) and that it's not like he's dying to look at it. He's tried explaining to me he can't masturbate without visual stimuli, and that's hard for me to understand not only because I imagine everything in detail, but also because it's almost always of him and me. I just feel sick to my stomach.

How do I reconcile it's possible to look at other women (for porn) without it being a decisive assault on our relationship? A mistake? I feel like I could maybe deal with it better if he weren't so vocal about his hate of porn culture. He says that's in part why he hates it so much - he feels ashamed of his shortcomings. He appears very sincere. I guess I am thinking of it like smoking - I struggle with smoking, it's irritating to others, it's not good for myself, sometimes I can quit for weeks, but then I'm back at it. But it's not like it involves anyone. My boyfriend is (per usual, lol) fine in all other areas.

I feel like no matter how I try to think about it, I can't make myself feel okay. I feel hideous. I get he isn't jerking off every 10 minutes when I'm gone, and who knows how often it happens anyway, but it just skeeves me, especially since he has my nudes. Like I'd rather have him just look at whoever since apparently he can't stop it instead of pretend he can survive off my nudes.

No. 183783

It's definitely a complicated situation; fist of all because he lies to you. I guess we can assume he lies out of shame, but it's still a lie and it's 100% understandable you would feel bad about that. You say you've talked about it already; did you make it very clear how it makes you feel that he watches porn? That it's not just "you're a hypocrite" thing but it also hits your self esteem very hard and basically choosing to watch porn he chooses his desire to jerk off over your mental well being (aside his own alleged morals).
Something I personally don't understand is that someone would need a visual stimuli to masturbate. Yeah it's nice to have sometimes but of you can't get turned on without visual stimuli, just… don't masturbate? It's not obligatory and clearly you don't actually need it that much if the arousal is not there at all and has to be invoked with videos or images, I don't know. Is there any anon who would only be able to masturbate with visuals who could maybe share her point of view here?

No. 183785

>he says he tries not to watch porn
>he says he doesn't watch porn
So which one is it? Does he straight up lie to you about watching it or is he transparant that he tries not to watch it but fails at it?

If he genuinely agrees that porn is bad and if he genuinely feels shameful about his habit and cares that it makes you feel bad then he'll have no problems if you propose to him that he needs put in active work to eliminate porn from his life. Maybe you can propose to work on it together, like he can text or call you when he feels the urge to watch porn or whatever. If he doesn't agree trying to actively work towards eliminating his porn watching habits then maybe you should re-evaluate how sincere he really is.

No. 183786

I somehwat see his side as I have my own porn habits and I feel like orgasming in the absence of it is difficult, but then I don't lie about it to partners or make false promises. I'm honest that I watch amateur stuff and I'd leave someone early on before I'd ever get into just lying my way through a relationship. If he's just lying about it and that becomes a cycle you're expected to accept.. you're within your right to be upset. His solution seems to be to deny reality. That's going to eat away at your trust. This is the man who is meant to also be faithful to you in general..and he lies regularly because his sexual needs come above honesty..

He's not on the same level of anti-porn thinking as you clearly. Actions speak much louder. I think given that you struggle with bpd this is setting you up for a wild ride of emotions. How long are you together and how soon did the porn convo happen?

Maybe make it clear to him that the lie in itself is more unforgiveable than the slip up. You finding evidence rather than him admitting it..is where this gets real sketchy. Maybe there's some subtype of porn that is the least offensive to you and that can be a compromise of sorts? But lying to you is only going to create issues down the line, outside of porn too.

No. 183788

>He's tried explaining to me he can't masturbate without visual stimuli, and that's hard for me to understand not only because I imagine everything in detail, but also because it's almost always of him and me.
Exactly, his excuse is bullshit and plenty of people (primarily women) manage to get off without any visual stimuli except what's in their mind. And if he does want visual stimuli, he has you or images of you. His regular albeit intermittent use of porn is an addiction despite any distaste for it, just like your regular yet intermittent smoking is. Yet as you said, your smoking doesn't really affect anyone except you while his porn use is contributing not only to the problem of the overall industry but damaging your relationship. You are perfectly within your rights to request that he stop using it since it makes you uncomfortable, and if he's as gung-ho about quitting as he professes to be, then he should be actively trying to eliminate it as well (blocking sites, seeing a therapist, reading reference material on how to stop). Right now it seems his extreme efforts to protest porn are a means of trying to make up for his problem, but verbal outcry isn't enough; concrete steps taken to stop could be, but it seems he isn't doing that.

No. 183789

yes he has anon! but only "manwhore"….. which sounds a little problematic but I know he's not sexist or a misogynist. And even if he was a little bit I find it hard to blame him for his inevitable socialization. Also like I said he didn't bring it up because he wants to marry soon, just as something he'll expect down the road. He knows I want to graduate first

No. 183790

File: 1620243790945.gif (309.51 KB, 220x220, tenor (2).gif)

>And even if he was a little bit [sexist/misogynistic] I find it hard to blame him for his inevitable socialization.
Let's pray no lurking scrotes read this post and start using "I was socialized this way" to carry out misogyny.

No. 183796

First he said he doesn't watch porn. After I found evidence, he says he tries not to watch porn. I think he has read stuff on how to stop because he mentioned texting, but we both agreed how awkward that would be (in hindsight, I should have taken that up, as difficult as it would have been for me). When I think about it like you're phrasing it, I do see what you mean. He once simply said some mean stuff to me when drunk, then he quit drinking, like for real. But he isn't doing the same thing with porn when tbh I think porn hurt more than what precipitated him quitting drinking.

I really wish he wouldn't make false promises. It seems to me it wasn't an intentional breakage of a statement, but he wanted to think of himself as above it. I feel lame for even being grateful last weekend he was just being honest. I'm very weak when it comes to the topic of porn, I have trouble putting my foot down.

You make good points. Thank you for your perspective. Like I said before, you're all reminding me of how he quit drinking just like that even though he used to drink fairly often. So it's different for porn, though.

I need to figure out how to talk about this. I suck at speaking about this topic. I have a lot of triggers that can easily set me off and it's hard for me since my ex was a literally pornsick rapist. I've been with this bf for about 2 years and he's pretty different in every way, and so this issue affecting me makes me feel guilty because I've suffered worse.

I also told him to delete my nudes just now over text and he said he would. I didn't say why, I knew it'd make me spiral through text. I suspect he has an idea why, but who knows with scrotes.

No. 183809

what the fuck? the fact that you've accepted this as normal is shocking. what age did you get into this relationship, and has this been your only LTR?

No. 183810

Is “whore” one of few generics where woman is the default and the modifier man is needed when it’s a man? “Mankind,” “spokesman,” “manning the fort”—man, man, man. Yet when we come to the label whore, we can somehow assume it’s a woman, because promiscuity is historically intertwined with femaleness. Linguistically, “manwhore” only serves to reinforce women’s sexuality as deviant and shameful.

No. 183811

Kek I’ve had some use this excuse on me to try and pre-emp their shittiness. If they had the level of self awareness to recognize they were making sexist comments then perhaps they could’ve actually worked on themselves rather than using this reasoning as a crutch and get out of jail free card.

No. 183880

> I know he's not sexist or a misogynist. And even if he was a little bit I find it hard to blame him for his inevitable socialization.
When you start making excuses for men based on their “socialization,” you’re basically just using more grownup sounding language to say “boys will be boys.”

No. 183891

File: 1620291876169.jpg (157.32 KB, 996x1200, bunny.JPG)

My long term boyfriend and I are long distance and a few days ago he received news that he has to move out of where he's currently staying by the end of this month. I'd take him in but unfortunately we're international and broke and Coronavirus just isn't going to let that happen.

Anyway, he found someone he can team up with to find an apartment and they can be roommates and split the rent, the thing is that this person is biologically female and although they don't identify as or go by female pronouns the idea of him sharing a living space with another biological female that isn't either me or a family member is really getting to me. They both do freelance work so they'd be around each other all the time and he's said that they have a lot of common interests and they sound like someone his friends would get along with too and I'm feeling really jealous. I can't/won't do anything about it though because I'd still rather he have another femoid as a roommate than be homeless.

I guess I'm not so much looking for advice but more-so just trying to see if I'm weird for feeling this way? It's not that I don't trust him I'm just afraid of being left out or forgotten about and neighbors potentially thinking they're a couple.

No. 183896

he can always find someplace else to live with some other flatmate. it's not life or death i'm sure there are plenty of opportunities. if he refuses and acts like he HAS to live with this woman then you know where you stand already

No. 183898

I’m sorry to be negative, anon, but yes, you should be worried. Non-binaries are fucking weird about sex and she will almost definitely try to pull some shit for validation. And they can get away with it too since you’ll have no way of knowing.
Do you mind my asking what are you even getting out of a LDR where you can’t visit or make plans to move in together? Is it just going to be indefinitely long distance or do you have some sort of longterm goal in being together?

No. 183905

Him having to move out was very sudden and he's had very little time to prepare, otherwise he's been waiting for his (male) friend to get some stuff he needed to do out of the way before they found a place. It's also not like he was deliberately looking for someone with a vag, he actually didn't know until I brought it up to him. I'd kinda feel bad if he cut this person off just because I feel jealous. They also need a place with the same criteria.

I mean, I could just be coping but after posting I realized that she could just be into women too. I know my bf well enough to know that it's not him I should be weary of in this situation, so if she's just into women and other eNbYs then it could be okay.
I don't mind, we've been trying to come up with a solid plan to meet but shit has just kept getting in the way. It was insufficient funds for a while on both ends but once he started getting paid a decent wage 'rona hit. He's also been in need of someone reliable enough to watch his pets while he's gone if he were to come visit.
Anyway, yeah, we do plan on eventually moving in together somewhere once I get my own shit together and coronavirus finally fucks off.

No. 183910

Met this boy at work and I like him, when we are one on one the conversation flows well, and he seems like a normal guy at work.
But I went to his apartment and from what I can tell he has no friends: checked his phone, only had whatapp installed with his only active contacts being another guy who I think is his brother, and some small number of archived chats with some girls who I don't recognize from months/years ago. Checked his photos and he had only photos of himself and his brother. And I asked him what he does other than work and he gave me no straight answer. We cooked food and watched TV. I think he watches a lot of TV maybe cause he seemed to know a lot of TV?!
And anyway it wasn't so bad being with him but idk it's weird, no? I'm used to boys having their own friends and being into something or another. This guy does not even play vidya.
He only made one move on me and I dodged it politely and left early in the evening.
This was last Friday. At work he's still flirty, but he never texts me. I only got one text from him after I left, saying he enjoyed the evening.
We are both late 20s for reference, so not kids.

Is this a redflag? What would you do?

No. 183912

How did you go through his phone the first time you got to his apartment lol

No. 183913

Honestly, to me he sounds perfect, but that's only because I'm the same way lmao

No. 183918

Maybe. You never know why he has no friends. It's possible he's just dealt with social anxiety or depression or even serious familyproblems that have led him to be socially isolated. Those aren't irredeemable things, especially if it's now in the past. And he doesn't play videogames which is great and so is the (I assume) lack of shitty online friends. Having seemingly no hobbies or interests outside of work is kind of weird though, although a lot of people don't have any hobbies besides Netflix nowadays. My main concern would be that it might get boring dating a guy who has seemingly no friends or interests of his own if that doesn't change.

No. 183924

>How did you go through his phone the first time you got to his apartment lol
I second this question, what the fuck? And not just a general look at whatsapp but also archived convos?

No. 183930

You going through his phone like that is kind of alarming behavior.. Thats a bigger red flag than him just being boring or lacking hobbies. Who does that on a first date? In your late twenties too??

No. 183934

He lives over a corner shop and ran downstairs to buy snacks and left his phone behind, and I had previously noticed his unlock pattern is just an "S". I couldn't resist a quick look.
BTW just thinking about it now, very glad I didn't find any porn at all.

I never got this. Why is it alarming? I just want to know who he is. I don't mean any harm. I didn't actually read his convos so it's not like I invaded his privacy. I just know he's not talking to other girls currently and that he seemingly only talks to one guy who might be his brother.
If he was a friend of a friend, I could just ask my friends to know the same public info, but he's a coworker so I couldn't do that.

No. 183935

What the hell anon, if you want to know a person, you have to talk to them, not breach their privacy. This is how healthy people do navigate interpersonal relationships. Looking on somebody's phone without consent is highly inappropriate even if you are close friends with them, having done that one a very first date to a coworker who is essentially a stranger to you is deranged. It's shocking you don't see it. Him having an easy unlock pattern is NOT an invitation to snoop around, not reading actual convos doesn't make it any better.

No. 183937

You should be banned for making me side with a scrote

No. 183939

You did invade his privacy, it is alarming behavior and its even more alarming that you don't recognise that and that you'd defend your crazy snooping.

No. 183941

I'm split between >>183939 and giving you a pass because as a woman you can never be too careful around men.

No. 183947

Any man that says this is self aware enough, I say it because I know his word choices (like using man-whore) are unconscious.
It's different when it's an adult man though imo, alot more difficult when they've already been raised that way. You're right anyways anon, I should've called him out, but we weren't very close back when he used that word.

No. 183949

samefag and actually no it's not? because "boys will be boys" insinuates boys are ~naturally~ like that instead of the result of how they're brought up. It sounds similar i guess, sage for derail and ot.

No. 183950

There's a difference between being careful and breaking into stranger's phone on a first date still

No. 183951

similar because i was using it as an excuse the same way "boys will be boys" is used as an excuse to not expect any better.

gosh anons would it be weird to call him out now for something he said so long ago he may not even remember anymore?

No. 183952

anon if you can't see why snooping through someone's phone, on a first date no less, is bizarre and invasive behaviour then I hope to god you stay single forever kek

No. 183953

Just saying that I support you anon. The amount of seemingly normal/truthful men I’ve encountered has been disproven time and again literally every time I’ve looked at their tech (and I looked through more legit means save for an ex which I snooped on because I had my doubts - and was proven right). It would’ve saved immense amounts of time and energy had I had the ability to look at their shit right off the bat. Scrotes are mostly devious, degenerate liars and only women deserve to have their privacy respected, fuck em and keep protecting yourself. As for his lack of interests and friends, doesn’t really matter unless you end up finding him boring. I agree the lack of porn you found is a plus, 99% of men would’ve had something up. I find his current lack of follow up the most worrying… pretty low effort of him if he doesn’t take the initiative. I wouldn’t pursue him and would see if he invites you somewhere again. Unless you’re just looking to hook up.

No. 184004

File: 1620335860640.jpg (19.19 KB, 500x321, tumblr_inline_nfvr4r20mv1qcu5z…)

I've had a boyfriend for nearing two years now and I feel like I've outgrown him. I met him during an extremely hard time in my life and he was able to be there for me. It was very nice he was there to cheer me up, but i realized he was only there for me so much because he has nothing else to do. as my life evolves and grows, and as I learn and change, he has stayed stagnant, and it's been so apparent that I can't delude myself into ignoring it anymore. The worst part is that he considers himself "dominant" and likes to think of himself as a provider, but that's just this idealized image of himself he's created. It's fictitious. He asks me to pay half of the shipping on sexy outfits only he will ever see. It's childish. He so frequently needs comfort from me but is obsessed with this fantasy that he's a Prince Charming style hero swooping in to help me. In reality, it's all him seeking validation from me. I hate pretending he's a big strong man who is helping me because he's not. It's like when you allow a child to hold a wooden spoon in a kitchen to make them feel like they're helping. I can't do it anymore. He's a grown man. And it makes me sad, because we see eye to eye ideologically for the most part, but he engages in a lot of performative overzealous feminism online (mostly as penance for being edgy online in his youth) that really annoys me. He also loves to differentiate himself from other pornsick men. He thinks he's different, but he's got brainrot from reading too many doujins, and any progressive bullshit he spouts means little to me because he raped me while I was on an empathogen. We were on something literally know to make you empathetic and he still thought it was okay to guilt me into sex. I keep trying to rationalize. He's funny, we have a similar sense of humor, have shared good memories. His parents like me. It'd be so easy to relent and ignore it but he's a spoiled manchild who I've outgrown. I see him as a needy child now. Not sexy at all.
Also I'm almost positive I'm a lesbian and am going through something horrible psychologically.
Thank you for listening.

No. 184108

I don’t mean this disrespectfully anon but holy fuck that post went in directions I didn’t expect. You start of so lukewarm saying you think you’ve outgrown him, then by the end you add that he raped you and that you’re pretty sure you’re a lesbian. That was kind of a rollercoaster, but not in the fun way. I know it’s cliche to say, but “my heart hurts for you” reading this. Whatever conclusion you ultimately come to about your own sexuality, I hope you are safe and far, far away from this man. I’d be saying that if it was just that he was mediocre and you outgrew him, but guilting you into sex while on drugs? That is a whole other level. If you have women’s resource center in your area or something, it might help to go to them just for some space and someone to talk to. Just visiting the one at my college and talking to some advocates there really helped me get my head back on when I was all confused after I was in an unhealthy mindfucky relationship.

No. 184120

Just like other anon I wasn't expecting that to go down the way it did. Even what you say in the beginning is enough to warrant moving on. It's perfectly valid in itself to just feel like you've outgrown a relationship. Add on the other stuff and well that should remove any doubts that you need to bite the bullet.

I won't make out like you're crazy for staying this long because I've been coerced into sex acts and I rationalized staying after that. The longer you're with him the longer you have this BS presence in your life. The guy obviously isn't walking around with a guilty conscience and it's likely he'll never recognize what he did to you. Your feelings around your sexuality now might be a reaction to that (or might not) but getting away from this guy will give you the space to see all this for what it really was and to process it. It sounds like you're already waking up to some harsh truths.

No. 184135

everything you said points to you guys having to break up. don't even bother remaining friends, tbh. there are so many people who will be compatible with you romantically or not who haven't raped you (holy shit)

No. 184137

File: 1620397055460.jpg (58.34 KB, 500x621, realizashun.jpg)

Thanks for the replies.
I have a major tendency to downplay stuff because I'm pretty sure that if I didn't, I'd have snapped by now. Self delusion is a powerful thing, huh? I am very far, as it is a long distance relationship, which should make a "cut and run" situation easier, but it doesn't. I think the biggest problem is that he was there for me when my life at really one of its lowest lows, and we do see eye to eye on interests. My brain keeps saying "well, he did this, right? So it can't be that bad." Even now, I'm backspacing over and over because I keep trying to justify why he did what he did on molly which was and is unacceptable. I think I'm going through something mentally.
It astounds me that he isn't feeling guilty about it. It hangs over my head and taints every single thing he does, and he doesn't even notice. He assumes, "Ah, anon-chan is feeling depressed. I wonder if it's her mental illness or perhaps PMS." No, it's what he DID and how he treats me. I do feel crazy for staying, but I'm terrified about losing the stability even though the stability is theoretical because he doesn't actually make me feel stable. Also, regarding my sexuality, I never dated men before a really big horrible event that happened to me, so I genuinely think I was having some sort of phase. I think I just really really desperately need stability and was seeking it out in the wrong places and still am by continuing to date him.

You all helped a lot though. Drafting up a breakup letter. It isn't worth the anxiety and sickness I feel for a stability I hope will one day arrive. I guess I never really thought about it as connected, but last time he visited, I got so nervous that I puked because I was nervous about sex. Hindsight is 20/20.

No. 184150

hey guys, don't know if this is the right place or how to phrase it all but here goes.

i recently broke up with my partner. we've been on and off for years and it's just generally been toxic. i'd break up with her and try to leave, she'd suicide bait me and beg me to come back, rinse and repeat. a lot of our issues were stemming from her because she couldn't stop with blowing up all our conversations out of proportion. she'd talk shit about me to anyone who would listen and every small discussion would derail into an argument because she'd get defensive. she'd also constantly lie and go behind my back, and has emotionally cheated. i tolerated this for a while and eventually i started snapping back. i'd name call to get her to stop talking to me, and sometimes we'd have arguments through texts. because i dropped her for good this time, she's been showing people our conversations and calling me 'abusive' for being mean to her in them. she's convinced a lot of our friends that i was just a 'bully' in our relationship, as opposed to like… forcibly being trapped in it against my will. i don't know what to do or if there is anything to do about it. but the accusations hurt and having private conversations waved around is super uncomfortable. it at least convinced me not to go back to her another time, which is a first. but part of me wonders if i should've just stayed to avoid the mess. anyways, thanks!

No. 184182

Move on and let it go. Sucks but you can't do anything about her spreading lies around. It's not like she's going to stop by asking nicely. Best you can do it focus on your life and improve on it while she remains bitter unable to let go of the past, that's how you really "win".

No. 184231

>>184150 it’s super difficult to not want to address lies/unfounded rumors about you being spread around, but i highly recommend maintaining 100% no contact with her and not bothering. it’s simply not worth it and eventually you’ll be able to fully regain your peace of mind & independence and finally move on. you broke your foot free from this bear trap, now don’t go and stick it right back in. wrap it up, do some rehab, and enjoy your life. you deserve it

No. 184385

Hey anons, I need some advice. I'm 24 and thanks to generous parents and a good job I have the chance to buy an apartment. One thing that I wonder is if men would start to avoid me if I buy the property because I heard men get easily intimidated by financially successful women, and what kind of person would be ok with me being more financially successful than them? If I buy it, should I keep it a secret until marriage or something? I don't want to end up with a manbaby or a stuck up brat.

It's a bit of a fucked up question to ask. I know that I should do everything to secure my bag and carve a future for myself and not care about male pride, but I can't help but be bothered by it. Thanks again

No. 184386

You could always give it to me if it bothers you?

No. 184387

I don't think men are that discouraged dating a woman owning a home/apartment. At least I never heard of that, and I'm in a pretty patriarchic country. But like you said, you should be wary of manbabies that want to move in and have you take care of them.

No. 184390

Thanks anon. Do you think it's something I should keep quiet about though?

Sure if you're willing to pay the rent kekw

No. 184391

I'd be upfront about it. I don't think you should even be wanting to date a man who's intimidated by not being the most financial succesfull half of the relationship, especially if it's to the point he doesn't hide being bothered by it.

No. 184392

I wouldn't talk about it, in the sense that I don't think home ownership status or any investments you're currently planning is a first-date/online texting topic beyond "where do you live". Obviously they'd find out sooner or later if they stick around, and I wouldn't deny it if they straight up asked if I rent or own, since that's weird and no real reason to lie about it.

No. 184398

Fun reddit update: he was openly flirting and erping with her.

No. 184401

Please tell me you dumped him.

No. 184402

I'm trying to. I don't know how he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me every day. He flirted with her the exact same way he flirted with me years ago. I feel like I've wasted years of my life, so I'm having a little bit of sunk cost brain

No. 184426

File: 1620577270987.png (30.77 KB, 651x326, kirbys.png)

Yeah you won't get those years back or make it "worth it" by staying with a cheater, all you can hope to accomplish is wasting even more time. He's clearly capable and willing to lie to your face and doesn't give a shit about you, so what is there even to work through here?

You learned a lot, it's time for a fresh start anon

No. 184509

File: 1620606715224.jpg (180.95 KB, 2208x1839, 392338747309.jpg)

lmao so i'm in the middle of splitting with my ex husband, staying with a friend while i figure stuff out. he wanted to stay at our old place but got fired and now can't afford rent. starting texting me about how he misses me and needs help and feels like a "broken person" without me.

i'm a charitable soul so i offered to help him out a bit, directed him to apply for unemployment and did his taxes for him but now he's messaging me about how he can't do this and wants to kill himself.

i wanna block him but i feel like i should keep communication so we can have an amicable divorce. we're already legally separated.

also he was dating a high school senior (he's 31) until she found out he's jobless and broke now.

No. 184510

just let him kill himself
(really though, it'll just be harder for you and him if you keep coddling him)

No. 184511

i don't think he'd actually kill himself but you're right, the only reason i'm still putting up with him is because i'm scared of change.

No. 184514

yeah he likely won't, he's just depressed because he had a major life change
so did you, and you should embrace it, but realize you're falling in to old patterns by doing all these things for him…
you split up for a reason, right?

No. 184515

I had sympathy for him until you said he was dating a teenager in his 30s. you don't need to block him but you should definitely mute his notifications and refrain from responding to his suicide-baiting. don't do his taxes for him or anything like that either. he is actively manipulating you and does not deserve your kindness. you deserve a fresh start. you made the right decision to leave him. don't start second guessing yourself just because he has to live with the consequences of his actions. embrace the change. single life is way better than being chained to an immature, predatory scrote. it might seem daunting at first but you made the right decision, so stick with it.

No. 184517

>did his taxes
>keeping open communication to make him feel better

Happy Mother's Day, anon

No. 184520

No. 184532

File: 1620615891562.png (1.23 MB, 1075x1200, 1586140036075.png)

yeah, you're both right. i left him because he's an underdeveloped sperg who has no basic life skills and he hasn't changed, so idk why i'm still here. (for the record, i as also an underdeveloped sperg when we got together 8 years ago. i have changed, he has not and doesn't want to.)

hahaha thanks anon


unless he has money stowed away, which is unlikely, i'm not gonna get much but half of our shared rrsp.

No. 184537

oh, good point, i am working. i have a bunch of questions for the first meeting with my lawyer and i'll put that down, thanks.

No. 184553

my boyfriend is autistic and it’s really hard how unaffectionate he is. i always have to ask for kisses and to hold his hand and to cuddle and it just makes me feel like it’s one sided and i feel so lonely

i just wish he could hug me and kiss me out of the blue sometimes. i feel so alone

No. 184568

Anon get back in your old place and make him stay with a friend. You risk losing the house/apartment/whatever it is during the divorce

No. 184577

My bf isn't autistic and he still isn't physically affectionate. He's great in many ways (like being the only scrote I've met who doesn't watch porn while in a relationship) but I really miss getting hugs out of the blue, being touched, cuddling while watching something and making out. No advice, only chiming in to say that I can relate.

No. 184578

I couldn't ever date someone not affectionate. It's the difference between a friend and a partner to me. Best part of dating someone.

No. 184580

my bf isn't autistic and barely does this too kek. you just learn to deal with it if you really like him

No. 184585

just chiming in to say I can relate, my bf is definitely on the spectrum and it often affects how spontaneously affectionate he is (happens very infrequently). what helps me is knowing that he really does love me and would never cheat on me or do something to hurt me, he always looks out for my best interests and has been invaluable in terms of helping me deal with my mental illness (bpd). I would much rather have him than have someone who was constantly love-bombing me to cover up his shitty behaviour/whilst not really having any interest in me beyond using me for sex or w.e.

No. 184587

I have a similar issue as my relationship lacks intimacy and sex. My partner is depressed due to a tragic event last year and spends the majority of his time watching YouTube or playing video games. He never touches me affectionately or says any cute shit to me. When I try to initiate sex he rejects me. I never get any spontaneous kisses or a hug in our day to day life. He's more interested to cuddle with our pet than with me. However when he's been drinking he suddenly wants to bang me but I feel so turned off by it. Like he doesn't care for me 6 days a week but the one day he's drunk he sees me as a piece of meat. When he tries to drunkenly initiate it's always focused on his pleasure and dick. Foreplay is just him groping me and trying to stick his dick inside to dry hump me until his whiskey dick gets too flabby. I usually reject him when he's drunk cause I just feel like an object and I don't get any pleasure from it. I've told him many times that I don't wanna bang when he's drunk and that I miss intimacy in our day-to-day but he haven't said or done anything about it. He just looks embarrassed and says nothing. When sober he's always mellow or moody. He goes to therapy and it helped for a while but now he's the same again. What can I do or say aside from leaving?

No. 184591

I hope you are able to find happiness, anon. Wishing you safety and stability.

No. 184593

Take a break or break up. Do you consider yourself to be in a relationship right now? If he gets better, could you let go all of the grudges that you hold against him? Can he even get better in a time frame that won't destroy you?

But you need to think about yourself right now because he definitely isn't. You can't stay with him as he is right now. If he makes that dedicated effort to get better and start treating you as a human being, and he wants you back, he can find you and then you can decide. How are meant to support him otherwise apart from being a fleshlight that he ignores? You really need to check your situation because trauma doesn't give permission to inflict trauma on another person.

No. 184595

This is gonna sound a bit weird but have you considered asking him to set a reminder on his phone daily or w/e to be affectionate with you? That way he'll initiate something regularly without your input and he'll still get the reminder that he needs

No. 184602

I'm not sure if there's much you can do (besides leaving) if he's already in therapy. Do you talk to him about his therapy (or he to you I guess)? How it's going? Maybe you need to mention his progress seems stagnant at best and that you need to know he's actively working on his depression. I won't automatically jump to the advice that you should break up when he's a long term/serious partner (don't know if he is), at some you reach a level of commitment where you stay by each other's side and support eachother not just through the highs but also through to lows. But you do deserve to know there's light at the end of the tunnel for his mental health problems. It doesn't just affect him but it affects you too, he owes you to be actively working on it and I'd almost go as far as to say he owes you making progress. You didn't sign up for a lifetime of a depressed partner. And I think it's important you decide on boundaries not just for him but also for yourself; What will you do when he doesn't show he's dedicated to getting out of his depression and making progress? Don't make your love unconditional, you'll end up getting exploited that way.

No. 184603


This kinda happened already. I set an ultimatum that he needs to go to therapy or I'll leave because his mental health became too burdensome for me. I was so happy when he agreed to go. Now he's been in therapy for a few months. I saw big improvements in the beginning but the past month he's his usual depressed self. I know that overcoming trauma and depression is a rocky ride and I try to have patience.

But yeah today is a bad one. Yesterday he was drunk and horny. Today he's moody and irritable. I just asked him "hey can we talk a bit after work" to which he responded "maybe later.." in a very passive aggressive way. When I asked if he's feeling okay and when would be a good time to talk, he lashed out saying "MAYBE LATER! IM BUSY CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!!" breaks my heart tbh. He's busy watching YouTube in bed and makes me feel awful for trying to have a conversation. This is also why I don't wanna fuck him when he's drunk - he's not the same person when we wakes up. He changes from happy and horny to grumpy and unpleasant overnight.

Anyhow sorry for the venting. I've considered a break from him as well. Will see if I manage to have a talk with him later..

No. 184604

He said the therapy went well when they focused on talking about "what to do when you feel shit". I also noted improvements from it.

Lately they have talked about WHY he's feeling shit - as in discussing the trauma behind his behaviours. Since this became the topic of conversation I've noted his mental health decline. He seems to get so triggered from it that he's down 24/7. I told him to tell his therapist how it makes him feel so they can find a better way to tackle it but I'm not sure what the latest news are. He doesn't go into great details of what they talk about.

I'm not sure if this is normal? I've been to therapy myself and talked through lots of trauma but still felt OK the days after my appointment?

No. 184606

Anon this really isn't about him anymore. It's about how you're feeling and how you're coping with everything. At it stands that man has no business being in a relationship that he's unable to contribute emotionally to - there is a point where I can say 'stay if you love him and want to support him' but there is a limit to that - but treating you as a sexual object with no remorse and does it repeatedly, that's crossing the line from supportive to being a clown. Love and support isn't unconditional, it needs a molecule of respect and hope.

I understand the need to stay by someone's side when they're going through a rough patch but you should remember that saving someone from drowning isn't letting them pull you down with them. You're not his mother or social worker, you're his girlfriend. If he can't understand that then I really think it's time for a break - for you to stop being hurt and him to heal without the expectations of others

No. 184617

Totally agree. I was depressed for large swathes of one of my prior relationships but somehow I managed to never scream at my partner or treat them like a masturbation aid. His behavior is totally unacceptable and honestly she's just enabling him if she continues letting him use her as a punching bag. I have also been on the other side and stayed with a partner for over 5 years hoping they would get better. Waste of fucking time. Ultimately it's up to the other person to get their shit together and if they're unable to be civil or that process is going to take a long while, then they shouldn't be holding the other person back from a healthy relationship (or even simply being happy on their own) in the meantime.

No. 184620

Anon I really feel for you.
From what you're describing it sounds like it would be better to leave him. Or take a break, maybe he'd learn to appreciate you a bit more but who knows.
Relationship should make you happier and make your life better or there's no point being in one.
Was he significantly better person before the trauma? How long are you dating? Remember that sometimes people are better in the beginning and even if he wasn't depressed, there's a chance he wouldn't be much better.
I wish you'd find someone who will actually make you happy and care for you properly.

No. 184635

So I'm talking to this boy online and I don't want to give specifics on how we met, but we met in a context where we both seemed to be looking for a relationship online. It's going nice and all and I like him but he'll mention from time to time how he thinks he'll never be able to find a girl and that he missed any chance of that. Basically he puts it in a way where it seems like I'm not in consideration of him or that he is interested in me (even tho we talk a lot and he is interested in me, just these times he acts like im not an option?). Anyways I need advice because I don't know what to make of this. Is he only looking at me as a friend and if so why did we even start talking? Am I wasting my time thinking this will go somewhere?

No. 184643

Flirt with him to see if he gets the hint.

No. 184647

all online relationships are a waste of time. make a tinder.

No. 184648

Tinder is online dating.

No. 184649

Nta but I think anon means relationships that remain (largely) online, with tinder you normally meet up to date irl.

No. 184652

2 issues with current bf:
>chronically late. we usually hang out saturday, but he typically hangs out with friends friday night. so if we make plans to meet at 2 he'll still be asleep until i call him at 2:30, or else he will say 1 and mean he leaves his house by 1-1:30ish
>doesn't always reply to texts. he criticized me at the start of the relationship for being a bad texter and I've since then been making sure to text more and reply to everything. but now i can go a day or 2 without a reply from him. he's on his phone constantly so i know he sees them
he's such a great guy otherwise, I just don't get it. he's also on antidepressants and seems kind of out of it sometimes. not sure if meds can cause this behavior.

No. 184655

>he'll mention from time to time how he thinks he'll never be able to find a girl and that he missed any chance of that
Whiny sadboi shit is a huge red flag. He's hoping you pity him enough to fuck him instead of trying to be someone worth your time. Don't take the bait.
He doesn't care about you as much as you think he does, but chances are you'll probably vehemently deny it, make excuses for him, and waste years of your life dating some lukewarm loser.
>he's such a great guy otherwise
He's not, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. You know something is wrong with him.

No. 184656

I try to flirt with him and he flirts back, or at least i think thats whats happening? Im aspie so i guess that makes it more confusing. But he has referred to me as cute and acts sweet. He just will act like how i mentioned every once in a while and i have no idea what he means by it!!

Tinder is for normies who want to hook up so no thanks

Hm, ok thanks. That could be it. I like him regardless of this red flag so idk if its much of a concern if thats only what his intention is by saying this stuff

No. 184659

How to deal with getting ghosted? I don’t want to get into specifics but damn I feel like shit right now

No. 184665

>You know something is wrong with him.
There's something wrong with everyone. I need to get married before I get wrinkles, so rather than turning down someone for pointy elbows I wanted to see if I could understand what is going on here. I went on first dates with about 50 guys before I found this one I liked enough to keep for a while, I don't want to discard him if it's just a minor issue.

I'm so sick of trying to date. If this doesn't work out I'll just go be a slumlord in a low COL area and raise sheep. By the statistics something like 30% of the population has a legitimate diagnosed and medicated mental issue. There literally is something wrong with EVERYONE. So yes, you're right.

No. 184670

>tl;dr version: I'm settling

No. 184675

>I need to get married before I get wrinkles
Why? You scared you won't be loved without wrinkles? Why'd you want to be with someone like that?

No. 184678

>I need to get married before I get wrinkles
With this attitude you will have them when you get divorced though.

No. 184692

>I need to get married before I get wrinkles
Why. Like I'm genuinely asking, not in a sarcastic way, why you absolutely must get married before you get wrinkles? Or why it's an absolute must to get married in the first place? Not asking this out of an "All men evil, best to die alone"-kind of sentiment. I just view marriage as something without experiation date that happens if it happens and if it doesn't then that's okay too. Marriage isn't a requirement for a happy fulfilling life.

No. 184717

>there's something wrong with everyone
Alright, but plenty of people have issues that don't involve disrespecting you.
>I went on first dates with about 50 guys before I found this one I liked enough to keep for a while, I don't want to discard him if it's just a minor issue.
That's like saying this random piece of trash you found is shinier than the others, therefore it's good. It's still trash, sis.

No. 184718

>Tinder is for normies who want to hook up so no thanks
Not really, I've met plenty of psychotic neurodivergent people on Tinder in addition to those who are just genuinely looking to get into a long-term relationship, so you get the best of both worlds!

No. 184720

Block and move on. A person who ghosts is sending a clear message with a giant red flag attached to it. Take note and don’t entertain anything further with them, you’ll be better off with someone who respects you enough to not ghost you.

No. 184721

>chronically late, doesn't always reply to texts
>hangs out with friends friday night, on his phone constantly
>not sure if meds can cause this behavior
Kek, clearly he's capable of making an effort to communicate with others, he just doesn't want to for you.
>30% of the population has a legitimate diagnosed and medicated mental issue
Yeah and 67% of men cheat on their partners and 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. You like how things are looking with this lazy, noncommitable sadsack on top of those odds?


No. 184722

>Kek, clearly he's capable of making an effort to communicate with others, he just doesn't want to for you.
he's so affectionate and caring when we see each other… i dont' get it. should i talk to him about it? i dont know how to bring that up or what to say.

No. 184723

Are you having sex?

No. 184727

of course. here you'll imply he's just using me for sex. nevermind, i'll just try talking to him or something.

No. 184728

ok girl, go call him 3 times and maybe he'll pick up. Lmao

No. 184729

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now, and at the very beginning of our relationship we had a lot of issues. He had just moved to my city for a job, we met on an app, and his only friends were some coworkers. Things at the beginning were rough, we fought quite a lot for a new couple and were very on/off. We spent a couple months apart and got back together, and have been doing better than ever. No issues or fights. The other day, I went through his phone (with his permission) just out of curiosity. I found texts from back when we were having issues where he was going into detail about our issues with his friends. He was also telling them very very personal issues in my life that I only shared with him in confidentiality. Back when we got back together, I knew he wanted to keep our relationship on the down low because he told his friends we broke up, but when I asked him how much detail he told them he said none. Now I'm finding out they know a lot about my past and childhood traumas, mental health issues, and so on.

Am I in the wrong for feeling upset about this? 1. I wish he had just been honest with me. 2. They're his main friends here and now I don't feel comfortable going and hanging out in a group with them when I know these strangers know such personal things about my life.

On a side note, while we were getting back together he was also being shady with one of his female friend/coworkers and lied to me about it, I found out, and he apologized and swore nothing was going on and I do believe him but being lied to was what really bothered me.

I don't want to ask him to cut them off since they're his only friends here, but I'm not sure how to go about handling this.

No. 184732

You're not wrong at all. You don't need to ask him to cut his friends off. You need to cut HIM off. He does not respect you, he shares your personal trauma with others so they can judge if you're too crazy for him. And he lied about seeing another woman! Why would he lie if he had nothing to hide! You can do so much better than this - don't waste any more time on this loser.

No. 184735

Yeah you go girl! Go "communicate" and beg him to show you basic respect and consideration, instead of looking for someone who actually treats you right from the start.

No. 184737

No. He talked to his friends about your extremely private issues you told him confidentiality ànd went on to lie about it to your face. That's two wrongdoings at your expense. I have no advice but you're definitely in the right by feeling upset about it.

No. 184740

>so they can judge if you're too crazy for him.
Ffs calm down, you don't know with what intentions he shared her/their private issues with his friends. Talking about it with his friends to seek advice considering they had problems seems more likely to me, in the same vain anon is asking for advice here. Not saying that makes it right but you're being over the top

No. 184741

Clearly it wasn't good intentions, since he lied to Anon and told her he didn't tell them anything.

No. 184743

File: 1620680662687.png (83.8 KB, 214x251, 574839574037032754235.png)

I hope she leaves him but I'm still dying

No. 184749

>being shady with one of his female friend/coworkers and lied to me
You should've just left him for good at the start. Relationships that aren't idyllic even during the honeymoon stage are doomed to failure. Even setting aside his oversharing, this is irredeemable. Men who lie have no respect for their partners, and let me tell you, lies are like cockroaches. You may only see one but there are tons of others hiding under the floorboards. He has shown you he never would've come clean, he only did so because he was forced to, and he feels entitled to control you for his own selfish purposes. He will lie again, guaranteed. Is that really the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Prince Charming, the Manipulative Liar?

No. 184758

Sooo multiple lies and unecessary oversharing of your personal information with his friends/coworkers? Why continue to tolerate this, genuine question? Especially if you've already decided you'll never be comfortable enough to hang out with his friend group. His friends are not the problem, HE is. I don't see this as a sustainable relationship. You can and should do better than him

No. 184789

Oh yeah, such a great guy that you feel hesitant to express your very valid concerns to him. Scared to ruin your NLOG cool girl image.

No. 184800

i do feel that way, but the cause is from guys in general and not him in specific.

No. 184813

The way he’s behaving shows he expects you to be low maintenance and never complain while he gets to do whatever he wants. He probably senses your low self esteem and pickme energy

No. 184830

I mean, I'm not so sure. I asked him what his dating experience had been like, and he said it's extremely hard to get a date as a guy. Most of his male friends are perma-single. I should have more leverage by his own admission. But I do consciously try to be low maintenance and maybe it's too much. I don't know what healthy relationships are supposed to look like.

No. 184839

You’re just making excuses for this guy’s poor behavior because, as you said, you’re desperate to get married & are afraid there will be no “grass is greener” beyond this dude. You either settle for someone who has repeatedly shown he doesn’t respect your time & energy, or you leave in hopes of finding better elsewhere. It’s literally that simple.

No. 184842

> it's extremely hard to get a date as a guy. Most of his male friends are perma-single.
That’s because he and most men are developmentally stunted losers who put in minimal to no effort to be attractive to the opposite sex, either physically or through their behavior. As he is showing you now. You’re just the one who’s sticking around and enabling him to have a relationship while getting away with it.

No. 184846

The bar is already in hell for men. The ones who don’t get girls are literally scum tier.
Also the basics of a healthy relationship are
1. Honesty
2. Healthy boundaries and expectations
3. Open communication

No. 184858

What are your thoughts on a man that says he doesn’t understand what love is? My boyfriend told me that recently even though we have been saying we love each other for months. Is the confusion a clear indicator that he does not actually love me? He recently said I question his love for me too much, but how could I not when he told me he doesn’t even know what love is? He said he cared about me and my happiness and feels protective over me and he thinks that maybe that is love. Am I just overthinking? I just want a little bit more security.

No. 184865

At best it signals immaturity and a lack of self reflection, at worst he’s some sort of psychopathic robot just going through the motions because he’s getting something out of you (sex, emotional support, financial aid, whatever). Did he have a neglectful childhood? People who have trouble feeling and expressing love often haven’t had any positive role models for a healthy and happy relationship. Any other red flags? You aren’t overthinking things but then I also don’t believe the things he mentioned are a bad concept of love. Maybe he hasn’t had the opportunity to really explore it yet. Is he young and are you his first relationship?

No. 184875

I hope you reconsider this guy, nonnie. If dating is so difficult for guys, wouldn’t he be making sure he was on time to see you and replying to your texts with some degree of urgency? It’s a lot more likely he and his friends are permasingle because they aren’t great people, not because the dating world is just too unfair for guys. Someone who is always leaving you hanging like that is showing that they don’t respect you or your time.

No. 184881

>it's extremely hard to get a date as a guy
Bullshit. But even if it's true then like >>184875 said he'd be putting in his best effort to "keep" you. Which he clearly isn't doing when he isn't doing something as basic and simple as being on time when he's meeting you and doesn't text back when he's on his phone all day. I'm not going to be one of the anons telling you to break up with him but surely you see there's something not adding up in the logic here, right?

No. 184939

There's this one thing that bothers me, but I don't really know how to discuss it with my boyfriend. We've been together for a few years now, and I tried to explain this one thing before and failed, because I find it hard to put it into words + quite often I don't even fully realize I'm being uncomfortable with something, let alone naming it and explaining the nature of these feelings.
So the thing is, it's like he doesn't really understand when it's "appropriate" to passionately kiss or touch me. But I can't explain it either. He asked me WHEN he could do it, and I don't know what to say. I just think it has to be obvious, by the way a person responds, their body language, what they "say" with their eyes etc., context. And it's weird to me that he doesn't see it. It's like he thinks that if you're together, as a couple, and you already had sex and so on, then it must mean that you get a right to touch your partner whenever you want and they'll always be happy about it. Or that they get instantly in a mood if you touch their nipples or show them your naked body.
His sex drive is way higher than mine, so maybe that's the reason he doesn't get it. Like, HE would be happy to be touched in a sexual way any second of a day. His sex drive is also the reason why I feel guilty of rejecting him or not wanting even to make out sometimes. That's why quite often I just let him touch or kiss me when I'm not in a mood, and I realize now that it's kind of fucked up. But then again… if I try to explain it once more, I doubt he'll understand me. Most probably he would want some detailed guide which I can't provide to him. And I'll be like some prudish touch-me-not which expects her partner to have psychic abilities.
Idk, it makes me feel weird sometimes, I start wondering if I'm broken in some way and if there's something wrong with my boundaries. I don't even know how it's in the other couples, like what is "normal". And I feel like it repels me from my partner and sex in general.

No. 184941

Sounds like a typical mismatch in libido and physical affection needs. There's nothing you can do, you can't force yourself to be more affectionate and it's also difficult for him to 'hold back'. You'll have to find a compromise - if he wants to hug, hold hands, cuddle a bit while you're cooking maybe allow that but draw the line at anything sexual.

You can't be mad at him not getting your body language because some people really don't understand it, but a detailed guide is also an understandable turn off. If you scroll up there are plenty of nonnys who wish their bf were more affectionate, so every relationship will have it's challenges.

It may be worth sitting down and having a heart to heart about this, hear his side of things and then explain yours without making assumptions about how each other feel. Have you told him everything you wrote in this post?

No. 184943

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your boundaries. If he loves you he will accept and respect them without any questions asked.

No. 184969

>You can't be mad at him not getting your body language because some people really don't understand it
Isn't the inability to read body languages and social cues a sign of autism or social-emotional agnosia? Either way it's abnormal for sure.

No. 184991

What do you guys thing about this?

I've been online friends with this gay youtuber for 3 years now. We've texted on a near daily basis. We met on a forum. About a year ago he told me he was questioning his sexuality because he had a crush on me and wanted to know if we would ever date???

I was like… so caught off guard. I have never seen him romantically. I get sexuality is fluid, but I definitely felt safer in our friendship because I didn't think he would try to make it romantic. We don't even live close to each other.

After this he kept trying to date all these girls who look a looot like me on Bumble and Tinder.

The problem is that he is always so eager to get me to break off my relationships. Recently after a conflict with my bf, my friend was like coaching me through breaking up with him… It ended up in my bf and I having a really good conversation though, and we worked things out.

But my gay friend "checks in on me" like 5 times a day since that convo, "Did your EX reach out? Did you get your stuff back? Keep your mind off it. Stay strong. I'm so afraid of losing you…" It makes me feel super stressed out. Like I can help but think no matter what he'll have ulterior motives at this point?

No. 185002

this is so true anon, i think i just gotta remember that instead of pining for the spontaneous affection i got in my past relationships only because they were covering up cheating on me or were just abusive

No. 185004

So basically this scrote's gonna scrote and at best you're just hoping it goes away from you ignoring it, at worst you're keeping him around because you like the attention. I don't feel like there's any value left in this friendship (simping) anymore, do you? I also think it's disrespectful to your boy that you're talking to this guy everyday that you knoooow crushes on you and still says romantic things to you. I wouldn't be very comfortable with it if the roles were reversed and my bf had a "friend" like that, would you?

No. 185142

Anon, the dude has ulterior motives. It's super obvious he's hoping you'll break up with your bf and get with him. You'll have to tell him in no uncertain terms that you'll never get together. Ever.

No. 185157

Do you have any proof that he's gay? Has he ever actually been in a relationship with a man or is he just saying that to get you to drop your guard?

No. 185167

He has exclusively been with men. he has had 2 serious boyfriends (3+ year relationships), more hookups… he also comes across as extremely gay! His youtube was based on his drag and a bunch of skits. Nobody would mistake him for a straight guy.

We have mutual IRL friends who were shocked when I told them he said he had a crush on me. They thought he might be lonely because of the pandemic and it was a desperation thing after being burned by men so many times. He has yet to hook up with one girl. He tried kissing one once, but it was in a three way with her boyfriend.

I know >>185004 is saying I like the attention, but I think it's actually the other way around. And like >>185142 said I already told him that a relationship isn't on the table. He agreed. He's been a good friend I guess I was just hoping he would snap out of it and be more supportive.

No. 185170

Regardless of his orientation, it’s weird how hard he is pushing for you to be single. I might be off-base, but I had a friend who behaved similar, and he was always pushing for my other female friend and I to be single. It wasn’t that he liked either of us, but he was kind of the “if I’m not happy, I don’t want you to be either” kind of person. Any time one of us got attention from men he’d be obviously sour-faced and jealous. Your friend might not want to get with you, but he might be jealous of your happiness if he’s perpetually single.

No. 185209

some men hide behind the gay bestie image to let women's guard down and prey on them. nobody actually knows his sexual history. if he's a youtuber he is probably fake as fuck and invested in creating a brandable image. and lots of men fetishize femininity to the point of getting off on crossdressing. it's not proof he's super gay. if this dude let you know he's into you, is finding women who resemble you to hook up with, and is already this obsessive about it if not outright invasive and controlling of your relationship, respond as you would to any other man instead of letting his friends downplay it to you as "aw he's just lonely"

No. 185217

>I guess I was just hoping he would snap out of it and be more supportive.
This will never happen, anon. Snap out of it and dump this "friend"

No. 185221


Okay you guys are right. Guess I'm ghosting him. If he asks why I'll tell him he was overly invested in my relationship status.

No. 185260

venting but I have a way higher sex drive than my boyfriend. honestly i get embarrassed expressing my sexual desires because I get nervous he won’t be in the mood and ill feel like a horny deviant

No. 185290

well anon, it's okay to have a higher sex drive but how you handle rejection is important.

I didn't stop annoying my bf until I learned how to masturbate correctly, lol. Treat yourself to nice sex toys, put on porn if you want, and learn how to please yourself just as good

No. 185298

how do your boyfriends react when you send them nudes? i was in call and i sent nudes to my bf (which i've never done ever before) and he sounded so unenthusiastic. he said he was really tired but idk i still kinda feel shitty and like my body will never measure up to the perfect ass and tits i see everywhere but on myself. he asked for them himself and i finally gave in so it's not like i just sent them out of the blue myself

No. 185303

>finally gave in
so he's been pressuring for nudes after you said you didn't want to send them? and now that he finally wore you down, his response is so shitty that you're immediately self conscious and feel shitty. Never send him any more pictures, and tell him never to ask for them again. Stick to your boundaries, and consider finding someone who will respect them

No. 185305

yeah i definitely broke my boundaries for him, i actually hate nudes and i've never sent any to anyone before. to be fair i am extremely self conscious IN GENERAL so just any kind of reaction that wasn't "oh my god you're so hot" blah blah was probably going to make me feel bad

No. 185307

Pestering you for nudes is sexual harrassment. Period. Break up with him. I let him my bf pressure me into sending him nudes when I was underage and it's a mistake I will always regret. If I see him ever again I'm going to deck him in the face.

There's just nothing positive that will come from sending nudes to moids. It's inherently high risk and low reward.

No. 185320

my last boyfriend took a ton of videos and photos of me for his personal use and enjoyed them. my current one took one video so far and seems to want more.

if he asked for them he probably wanted them. aren't you overthinking it? moids will fap to anything. and moids love fapping to women they know IRL, which is something onlyfans is supposed to mimick. i guess scrotes think since they paid the girl she's now "practically his gf" or some shit. point is i can't imagine he isn't jacking off to your pics, so mission accomplished. better to your pics than some random professional pornography if he's going to rub the rat.

No. 185323

Defending males wbo disrespect their gf's boundaries is some pick me-tier shit shut the fuck up.

No. 185326

No. 185341

you sound like a pickme who dates dudes who post their girlfriend’s nudes on reddit & 4chan

No. 185345

again: better he faps to pics of his actual gf than to some random porn model.

No. 185351

>missing the point this hard
Are you capable of understanding the importance of respecting your partner's boundaries, or are you just fucking retarded?

No. 185352

the reality is he probably faps to instathots and onlyfans girls anyways, unbeknownst to you. i truly want better for you

No. 185388

File: 1620895135374.jpg (143.09 KB, 700x626, angrey.jpg)

A memory finally completely processed in my head, if that makes sense. My bf and I went on a date a month ago and for some reason he goes, Let's stand over here for a bit. And I just realized there was a girl with a huge ass not too far from us, but he was showing me stuff on his phone so I didn't think much of it. He would look up every now and then but my dumbass was too busy being nosy about his phone… it didn't click till now that he was looking at her. Nonnies, I want to kill him especially after I already left him for masturbating to and staring at irl women, but took him back because he wouldn't shut the fuck up about being depressed. They really never change. So should I bring it up or do I let it go…? I'm so pissed for being this dumb.

No. 185390

My partner and I started dating when I was 28 and he was 36. We have been dating for 4 years and got engaged recently. When I told my best friend, she threw a fit and accused of being a pick-me. She says that I enable men's gross behavior by marrying an older man. She says that our society lets men be irresponsible and childish for a longer period of time. Then, when they are ready to settle down, they look for a younger woman and disregard women who are their age. I didn't know what to answer her because this was out of left field. Am I a pick-me? Why the fuck is she bringing this up in my engagement announcement and not sooner if she was so opposed to my relationship? Is there a possibility that she is looking out for me and saying this for my own good?

No. 185393

>took him back because he wouldn't shut the fuck up about being depressed

uh, leave his sorry ass and don't look back. he'll be fine, I promise. you don't sound happy

No. 185394

I have no comment on your relationship specifically, I think an 8 year difference is very borderline. But I do agree with her statements about how men in general. Don't forget men always benefit more from marriage than women because most women function as a replacement mom who also provides companionship and sex, whether they realize it or not.

No. 185400

She's right tbh but since your age gap isn't THAT big and she's waited this long to say anything, it's hard to imagine what her motive is. Would she have any reason to think he's treating you bad? Or is it possible she just dislikes him in general?

Or maybe she's just been recently pink pilled and can't refrain from sperging now she's seen the light. I feel the same urge because age gap relationships reinforce the scrot delusion that they are too good for women their own age.

No. 185402

Hi anons, my bf has been incredibly depressed for some time now, he's getting treatment but keeps lashing out at me at home. For a good while every time we have an issue he'll just ignore me for a day and then act like nothing happened, whilst I try to bring up and work through what happened but he just ignores me. He knows I have anxiety and yelling at me puts me into panic mode. Tonight he kept yelling at me about a manual for an appliance we just bought and after calmly asking him to lower his voice so I could think about where it is he continued to yell at me until I had a panic attack, then he found the manual and read it 2 meters away from me for 10 minutes while I was still crying and then just left the room? He even came in again to grab something twice, saw me crying, and just left again. I tried to confront him about it and he made me feel horrible for even bringing it up, got all depressed and I felt so bad I dropped it.

I have 5 months left on this lease with him and can't really back out of it. I can't go stay with family because of covid restrictions in my country. I have no friends to stay with in this city because they're all his friends more than mine and already hate me. In those periods where we've had issues and he ignores me, he's apparently gone and bad-mouthed me to our friends, which explains why they've stopped inviting me to gatherings and ignore my offers to hang out. What do I do?

No. 185403

I think it's stupid either way. You chose this person. And now what, you should leave him because of age? It's such a primitive approach. I know hetero couples with older women and lesbian couples with age gap as well. Who cares if there are men who think that they're only worthy of much younger women, fuck them. Doesn't mean you have to be as shallow as them. It's not like your partner is with you only because of this age gap or something.

No. 185412

If I were in your place I'd just pack everything up, leave and block him everywhere tbh. No courtesy of giving any reason either kek.

No. 185416

My boyfriend and I have the same ages and gap as you and he wasn't looking specifically for a younger woman, we just belong to the same friend group (I've always had older friends because of my school history) and we got closer because we have the same hobbies and tastes. True, there's a lot of guys who go after younger women because they are creeps, but you met when you were both adults with jobs, it's not like you were a 20 year old student.

No. 185420

I'm sorry this happened to you nonny but you can't stay with him anymore. This is not healthy and you deserve much more respect, and a better man than someone who bitches behind your back, has 0 emotional control, and alienates you. You sound like a gentle person and he's trampling over you. Yelling at you into a panic attack while knowing exactly what he's doing is abusive.

Break up and grit your teeth through the 5 months remaining, stay room mates and grit your teeth while you're forced to and move out asap. If he tries begging you for another chance, ignore him. I know it's so hard to cohabitate with an ex, especially during covid, but unless you two get couple counselling I don't think anything less than a miraculous recovery on his end would save things.

No. 185422

>It's not like your partner is with you only because of this age gap or something.
You can't really know that though,it happens as a coincidence sometimes but when most men pursue younger women purposefully it makes sense to be wary.If her friend has been a good friend over the years and is worried about this now that op is about to be contract-bound to this man,i would say it's wise to at least really evaluate if he is one of the good ones.

No. 185424

Congrats on your engagement, anon! My bf and I are the same ages, and my (still together) parents have the same age gap, so I think as long as age isn't a big issue life-stage wise and isn't fetishized in your relationship, you shouldn't have a reason to doubt yourself.

I agree that she has an ulterior motive, maybe she's jelly as fuck bc she's got a crush on him, maybe she's having trouble with her own relationship and projected, etc. Whatever it is, she should have brought up her disagreement with your relationship any time in the past four years holy fuck. Since she "threw a fit" instead of gently voicing her opposition to you like a real friend, I think this is more of a her problem than anything else. I wouldn't salvage this friendship, personally.

No. 185427

I think age difference is only an issue when one/both of you is under about 25 since that's after when most people do the most of their brain/lifestyle development. A 28 y/o and 36 y/o could have pretty similar life experience, probably been through several relationships, jobs and living situations. Unlike say a 18 y/o and a 26 y/o where they'd have to have extremely delayed or advanced development to be anywhere near the same levels of maturity as people change so much and go through so many different stages in life between those ages.

No. 185430

When I was 27 I entered into a (in retrospect) pretty fucked relationship with a guy 12 years my senior. I think some people in their mid to late twenties can be stunted by mental health shit or trauma, which makes the gap even worse and adds on another layer of vulnerability. Those are things to look out for when judging it.

In my case I do wish someone had sat my 27/28 year old ass down and voiced concern at the age gap. But in a personal way, not some rant about pickmeism. If someone sat me down and asked questions about our relationship dynamic that might've opened my eyes and saved me a few years.

No. 185445

fuck off retard

No. 185469

>she should have brought up her disagreement with your relationship any time in the past four years holy fuck
You do realize that sometimes people come to new believes and realizations later in life..? Especially considering the believes regarding men that her friend has aren't traditionally taught to girls and women at all?

Anyway there's no reason to suspect ulterior motive if nothing has happened (having shown jealousy in the past or whatever) that could reasonably lead to that suspicion. Suspecting ulterior motive without good reason is basically showing you can't deal with an alternative view/believe on your personal situation that is hard to face and you're using "ulterior motive!!" as a cope. I'm not even agreeing or disagreeing with her friend but it's just sad and wrong to write it off as an ulterior motive for no reason.

No. 185505

Holy shit what an embarrassing post. Believe me when I say no one is jealous of her or your old ass boyfriend.

No. 185507

I've been feeling resentful of my boyfriend for leaning on me so hard. He's got a whole friend group and is still acting like "females' purpose is to take care of me". He got too drunk and too high and I had to babysit him both times and clean up his vomit. I also had to take care of him when he got suddenly sick at my place. It was really bizarre, he had fatigue so bad he didn't want to stand up to piss and I had to persuade him. Now he wants me to help him move out. It will be at least 2 hours of driving for me. Not to mention I'm a woman with no strength at all. He is thankful each time I help him, but I come to wonder why I am always in these situations.

He's been supportive of my emotional needs, but I've never made him do things like this for me. I prefer keeping to myself (autism). Stuff like this is making me want to stay single.

No. 185512

So tell him he needs to ask his friends for helping him move.

No. 185513

lol, update: He just called me and was upset that I was hesitant to help him. He got upset that I asked him to bag his stuff before I got there. Apparently he has some family function and won't be able to do it, so he wants me to help to. I don't like this. It feels like he's chastising me when I didn't even know the situation.

No. 185514

Can't he just pack his shit before the family function.. Getting upset over a very reasonable request from someone who's help you've requested is stupid and unfair.

No. 185526

>babysit him both times and clean up his vomit
The fuck, he is literally a giant baby. Did you want a partner or a child? Because you got the latter. Drop this piece of shit, he is incompetent.

No. 185535

That doesn’t sound like he’s asking for help, he’s asking you to pack his shit up and transport it. That’s a lot more than just helping someone move. He’s asking way too much and is clearly taking advantage of your kindness. I highly doubt he’d ask a male friend to do all that for him.

No. 185538

I don't know if he's purposely taking advantage of me or if he has some image in his head of the "perfect gf" he wants me to fulfill. Either way I don't like how this is going. I think I will withdraw my emotional support and see if he sticks around (because the sex is good). If he breaks up with me I'm ok with being alone again. thanks everyone for your replies.

No. 185548

Hey, I don’t know if these exact anons will ever see this, but thank you. It sounds silly, but hearing what you said snapped me out of whatever what keeping me from just breaking up. We broke up, and I feel a lot better. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! Just wanted to say that.

No. 185558

I wasn't one of the original commenters but just wanted to say congrats and that I'm really happy for you anon! So glad you're out of that horrible relationship and can properly care for yourself now. It's got to be a huge weight off your shoulders.

No. 185607

hmm i've been talking to someone i've met online via discord for a month or two now and have developed some feelings for them. i'm not sure if they see me the same way as they always say i'm a good friend etc (could be me not taking the hint). i've already tried to be flirty with him etc.

is there any merit in trying to let him know how i feel about him or should i just hold out? we are also in the same online community and i don't really wanna make things awkward…

No. 185609

I would hold out until he is openly and forwardly flirty back to you.

No. 185611

hmm okay. should i continue to initiate us doing things (i.e. asking to play games together) and being forwardly flirty or back off a bit?

No. 185614

It can't hurt to still play games with him, it sounds like you enjoy hanging out regardless. When you are flirty how does he react? Does he ignore it, laugh it off, flirt a little back, ect.

No. 185615

I do like my time with him but I feel kind of lame for always being the one to initiate. He says like oh holy shit thanks no u whenever I call him cute

No. 185617

Doesn't sound like he's interested. And honestly, edating, especially people from discord is a waste of time

No. 185621

True or maybe he’s obvlious. I’ll stick around for a bit more before moving on, can’t help my own simpiness.

I’ve never tried e-dating and it probably is a waste of time but I guess quarantine has been so draining on me I find any online company to be good enough for now.

No. 185628

What does it mean if my bf convinced me to watch porn together (not irl) and I saw he was flipping back and forth between the porn and nudes that I had sent him

No. 185633

you wanna watch porn together on zoom?

No. 185635

He doesn’t respect you

No. 185641

How so?

No. 185657

pornsick loser and needs higher levels of stimulation to get off. you might end up feeling insecure bc you alone cannot please him, seems like porn addiction.

No. 185662

>convinced me

this phrase alone is a red flag. he is a coomer that does not respect your boundaries. if you guys are LDR, when you meet up you will find that he cannot sexually perform (and will blame it on you)

No. 185673

e-dating is hard, so just don't get too attached. Worst-case scenario he's not interested and luckily you never have to see him.

No. 185694

>maybe he’s obvlious
He's not. Women vastly overestimate how oblivious men are (unless he's literally autistic or something). They will read the world into a sentence, a smile or a look when they want a woman. If you're at the point where you're blatantly giving compliments and flirting, he is picking up the signals believe me, he just doesn't want to reciprocate. Don't take it personally, most people don't want internet relationships.

No. 185701

He’s a cooker who sees women as sexual objects, like every guy who’s too into porn. In what world is it normal to swipe between pics of your gf and random porn stars, he’s clearly got coomer brain rot. If he doesn’t respect women in general he doesn’t respect you

No. 185733

I agree with her.
no, your request was reasonable. asking someone to help you move is understandable. asking them to literally pack their shit for them is crazy.
i wish porn was illegal, why is every scrote addicted to it?

No. 185743

File: 1621067520178.png (71.69 KB, 1280x544, AAAABdUpvgXJTRLbVppyUZYCWPBIle…)

He's not 'oblivious', you are just grasping at straws to avoid accepting the rejection

No. 185765

From one tist to another… how the hell are you coping with shit like cleaning up a grown mans puke? I know autism affects people differently but I found in past relationships that heavy drinkers are a big no-go for me. I can't deal with the unpredictability of drunks. I certainly couldn't play baby sitter or clean up bodily fluids. That's the last thing an autistic partner should have put upon them.

Mess, unpredictability and having to be the respnsible one.. you'll likely have a breakdown if you stick with him.

No. 185816


In the end, I told him how I felt because it was just wearing me out. He feels the same way and is also interested in me; we've decided to get to know each other better and keep chatting while keeping things casual.

I know anons are pretty pessimistic about the prospect of e-dating, and while I am too, I don't want to think too heavily into it and just want to enjoy my time with him for now!

No. 185828

I hope it goes well for you, anon. Be careful tho.

No. 185926

I’ll try. I’ll admit that I’m a bit overly enthusiastic since it’s been rare to find someone I get along with so well and of course people are very different than how they seem online.

No. 185939

So I'm back with my ex, we broke up because he was neglecting my emotional needs. Needless to say he is pretty shitty but I still love him. So one recent thing that got to me is that he dislikes his classmates yet helps them out. I asked him why does he bother doing that. But he gives a different answer to the question I have asked. Then he says maybe I just want to help. Is he an attention whore or what?

No. 185946

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now, I love him but he hurts me a lot. We have so much in common but he is older and lives an isolated life. I feel like I've become a hermit too since going out with him.
We have the same argument, it always circles around and is never resolved and only forgotten about. Whenever I do something without him, like catching up with old friends, anything that doesn't directly include him, he finds something about it that has wronged him in some way and will bombard me, telling me how much I've hurt him and then he gets even more upset when I tell him I feel he's being unfair because he says thats me not caring about his feelings. I do care about his feelings and have often put his in front of mine, which has resulted in me living increasingly isolated.
This same conflict goes on for hours and hours, he's starts off by being aggressive and will always try to outsmart me and talk me into holes. It's hard to argue with him because he always tells me how forgetful I am, and tells me I've said things I don't remember ever saying. It's really confusing and makes me feel like either I am crazy or he's lying.
If I don't change my feelings, he then resorts to crying and pleading. He tells me I'm the only thing he's got and he's scared of being alone because he's always been alone. I know this to be untrue he had a long term gf before me and a group of friends.
I think he has some sort of anxiety issues. I have anxiety too but not in the same way, mine is directed at myself, I don't think I target it at other people.
It makes me feel so sad because I care about him but I don't feel like I can help him.

No. 185947

anon you’re literally describing gaslighting. obvious abuser tactic, along with trying to isolate you from friends and family. Sometimes I wonder if anons are really this naïve or just can’t see past their own situation. Everybody on this thread should read what they post as if it’s from another user. Does that man sound unhinged? Does the OP sound dumber than a sack of bricks for not noticing all those red flags? That’s you baby!

No. 185948

> he always tells me how forgetful I am, and tells me I've said things I don't remember ever saying.
He's literally gaslighting you anon. And he's emotionally manipulating you.
>Whenever I do something without him, like catching up with old friends, anything that doesn't directly include him, he finds something about it that has wronged him in some way and will bombard me, telling me how much I've hurt him
Tactics to try and cut you off from your social contacts.
>It makes me feel so sad because I care about him but I don't feel like I can help him.
You need to think about yourself right now. You're in an extremely unhealthy and emotionally manipulative relationship. You need to do something NOW or you're going to end up being a recluse at his hands. Either demand he seeks professional help for his problems or break up with him but don't let this go any further. He won't stop until he's got you cut off from the world.

No. 185950

I've always been a hermit and having dated people who still have old friends to catch up with..if you're not happy with them doing that you've much bigger issues than being a hermit. His methods of trying to control you are just plain abusive. The quietest person can be an abuser behind closed doors and you have a good example of that with him.

If you accept him being a loner and he can't in turn allow you some old connections..he's not a reasonable person. He doesn't get to drag you down with him or isolate you if you value your connections. People hate when you say 'leave him' on here but there's no other advice that reasonably fits given what you described. A clean cut off is needed.

No. 185951

It's like you read a textbook on emotional abuse and decided to rewrite it in the form of a story. I'd say dump him but since you're looking for someone to tell you how to 'help' him like it's your responsibility to make him not abusive, I doubt you will.

No. 185959

>but I don't feel like I can help him
You really can't. Even if you manage to talk with him about it, it most probably won't change anything.
This reminded me of my ex, I could've written the same post.
Guys like this have primitive/immature defense mechanisms and are pretty egocentric since they're kinda stuck in their childhood. There was probably something that has to do with parents, as usual, that formed a fear of abandonment, which could've been exacerbated by previous relationship if his partner initiated a breakup.
I don't know if someone like that may be willing to change. Even if they can, it must be their personal decision. Because it seems that they don't really want to hear you, they will distort anything to look like a victim in any situation because they genuinely feel like one and their egocentrism doesn't allow them to look at things from your perspective. They're too focused on their own feelings.
I was in ldr with my ex, so one time he just disappeared and didn't return my calls. I knew he had some weird relationship (which he denied) with his new acquaintance, so I contacted her and she replied after some time. Surely it appeared that they got together (and soon she got sick and tired of him lol). I was a villain for some reason. He distorted anything, including some information about me to make me look as immature as possible. It also appeared he likes to lie to control your image of him. I finally realized I wasn't crazy. It was painful but quite cathartic.

Yet it used to be almost idyllic and we have a lot in common. I often miss him, the communication we had in the good times. Other times though he would emotionally manipulate me, gaslight, play victim, all this stuff. And get angry when confronted about it.
I understand your desire to help but there's really nothing you can do. Better preserve your sanity.

No. 185965


Thanks anons,I feel like this has really helped me get perspective. I am at a point now where I am realising I need to end my relationship with him. I can only see this conflict continuing or getting worse if we stay together. I kinda wish I hadn't tolerated his behaviour for so long.
Deciding to end things already feels like such a relief.

No. 186037

I got into it bad last night with my boyfriend. I was using his macbook and he had left his trashcan open - it didn't have much in it but I was curious. There were a few photos of a half naked woman in there, like professional boudoir photos. I didn't think that much of it for a minute, I don't have any problem with him looking at porn or getting off to porn actresses pictures. But then it hit me that I recognized these - they were from an account I'd seen before.

I realized they were from an IG I'd been recommended, because my bf and a few of his friends I follow follow it. It's a girl they know from their town who does boudoir modeling, but very overtly sexual, moreso than most boudoir I've seen. I didn't think much of it before because he didn't like any of the photos, she didn't interact with him much, but now it turns out he had saved some of these photos.

The worst part was seeing the dates he had saved them, just a couple days after I had sent him nudes he asked for (we were temporarily long distance), and a few days after I had expressed to him some insecurities about social media, etc, and we had gotten into a small back and forth.

Late last night I finally brought it up - admittedly not in the most calm manner, but I didn't tell or accuse, I was just crying and asked who she was, and why her pictures were saved on his computer.

Eventually this turned into him telling me he gets off to pictures of women he knows sometimes. When I told him how much this upset me and hurt me, he couldn't empathize at all. I've been insecure about his interactions with women before (justfied in my mind) and he insisted that this was just more of my insecurities acting up. And yeah, it is, but I'm not insecure about him looking at regular porn, I truly have no issue with porn. But when it's someone he knows, it feels so much more personal. That he's thinking about fucking them, how hot they are, whatever. He couldn't understand how this was any different than porn and told me that he thinks this doesn't have anything to do with the personal aspect of it, that I'll eventually be upset about regular porn too. And he accused me of not trusting him and thinking that he's trying to pursue these women.

I truly don't think he's trying to cheat on me or will, it just. Hurts. I tried to get him to understand, I asked him if he would be okay if I thought of my male friends while I fucked myself with a dildo, if I searched through their Facebook for pictures to get off to, would he be okay with that? He insisted that he would be, which I don't think is true.

I don't know. It just hurts so much that his first instinct was to get defensive and tell me it was my fault because I'm insecure and have hangups over this stuff, rather than acknowledge that yeah, it is different than looking at a total stranger. And that his first instinct wasn't to just stop whatever behavior is hurtful to me. I think about him before every interactiom, even interactions he would never find out about, I act as if he would because I care about him and I love him and I never want to hurt him. It just sucks anons. It sucks that because I'm insecure, and I know I'm insecure, that it feels like I can't set boundaries because it's not fair to him.

He's so good otherwise, he's such a good boyfriend and that's almost why it hurts more that he can't see this from my perspective, that he refused to empathize and that he's prioritizing getting off to other girls instead of my feelings.

No. 186044

There's millions of naked strangers that a guy can get off to…why choose a local person or someone you know irl? 3 clicks of a button and he could find hotter randoms to look at. There has to be some element of him liking the possibility of this fantasy happening for real.

I don't think you're being insanely insecure here. All the porn that exists out there and he's getting off to someone he could stand a real chance of hooking up with.. It's clearly different than just fapping to randoms. It's strange that he wont recognize that. He has you sending him nudes too.. and he's complaining about this one boundary and making you out to be crazy. You're asking for the absolute minumum here and being told to fuck off

No. 186061

Wow awesome he's so sexually liberated and accepting! Since he's open to it, just start leaving naked pictures of big-dicked men around for him to find and semi-clothed mutual male acquaintances. You can start masturbating each other while you stare at pictures of other people and talk about how hot they are and what friends you might like to bring over for threesomes and even orgies!

Or just skip all the disgusting degeneracy, realize he's not a "good boyfriend" and stay far away from anyone who so blatantly disrespects you and doesn't give a shit about your feelings. He's a pig with coomer brainrot.

No. 186069

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>Or just skip all the disgusting degeneracy, realize he's not a "good boyfriend" and stay far away from anyone who so blatantly disrespects you and doesn't give a shit about your feelings. He's a pig with coomer brainrot.(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)

No. 186073

He… he does have coomer brainrot though? He is putting his need to get off over his own girlfriends feelings

Your bf is a knob

No. 186081

Oh yeah, he sounds like a great bf. You shouldn’t be cool with porn if you’re not cool with porn from someone who lives nearby, like what’s the difference. Your feelings are totally justified though, men who watch and collect porn when they have gfs are pathetic. And getting angry and defensive when you’re so hurt your crying is a sign he doesn’t care as long as he can coom

No. 186090

sorry to hear your boyfriend did this. men really collect porn like their lives depend on it or like they're fucking trading cards.
>He's so good otherwise
for example, if a man flirts with another woman he's not "so good otherwise" he's a creepy piece of shit who has no consideration for your feelings.

No. 186099

I started dating this guy almost two years ago cuz he was well off and I wanted a piece of that. Well my career finally got its shit together and now I make more than him. Obviously the solution here is to break up but in these couple of years he has actually become a friend (we happen to share a few niche hobbies) so I don’t want to do it in a hurtful way. I’ve always just told guys it’s over and blocked them when I’m done with them. How do you do this nicely? I like him as a friend but he’s a meh boyfriend and I also don’t want to date someone making less than me. I know I am a scumbag but hey, guys dump us when they find a hotter/younger version so fuck it.

No. 186101

I mean, your situation with money etc is totally irrelevant to the issue here, all you want to do is break up with him without hurting his feelings regardless of the reason. Just tell the truth that you like him as a friend but aren't feeling the relationship anymore, you don't owe him an in depth explanation.

No. 186102

You are so right. Thank you. I will do that.

No. 186129

I'm in a LDR with my bf and he's had this biological female friend since forever. I can't help but feel insecure when he flies all the way to see her. My country is in a lockdown still and no foreigners can come in and we agreed that I have to come over next. This friend of his is one that he admitted to having feelings toward in the past but she turned him down. I try my hardest to trust him to not pull anything behind my back but at the same time I can't help but feel insecure. He's going over to her place again this summer which is just her parent's house. Not only do I feel insecure but also jealous because they get to have fun and I'm stuck. I don't ever want to be that person to tell their partner to stop seeing their friends. So for the meantime I've been trying my hardest to keep it together.

No. 186138

That's fucked up from him to do when he has a gf. Flying all the way to spend a nights with his crush. Disrespectful as hell. She's not his friend, she's a crush, someone he's attracted to and wanted to date. You bet he'd date her and dump you if she stopped rejecting him. You shouldn't feel bad about telling him to drop her but I don't think it's gonna go well with this type of guy.

No. 186141

Yeah I've always had that feeling he would if given the chance. Hope the situation doesn't turn dire as she got dumped a while back and is now single.
If anything does happen I'll be back to give an update. I wouldn't hesitate to leave either.

No. 186143

Anon it sounds like you're about to get cheated on i'm sorry…

No. 186144

it sounds like he is already emotionally cheating and she should leave him to save from further trouble

No. 186159

I've been dating a guy for six weeks and we're both exclusive, he calls or texts me every day nonstop, always says goodnight and good morning, showers me with every compliment, jokes about me being his wife and moving in with him, etc, but he doesn't want to call me his gf. I brought it up once about three weeks in and we both agreed it was too early, and I really don't want to bring it up again because if I was in his position I would not want to feel pressured to commit to a label before I'm ready. He is really busy with school right now and stressed because he graduates next month – is it reasonable to assume that he doesn't want me to be his gf YET, because he's too stressed to think about it right now? Am I just being hasty? If it's a timing thing that's okay. I just fear being used since I already feel like I'm acting like a gf to him.

No. 186162

Him joking about you being his wife and moving in and then him simultaneously not wanting to say you're his gf is some pretty weird shit. It could be that he's just stringing you along with these too-fast promises of a commited future. All talk and no action kind of guy. He thinks that by talking about you being wife material he can get shit out of you now and then later just dip. There's a type of guy that does that.

When you say he texts all day, are you seeing each other in person much? What do you do with your time together in person? Are you going places and being coupley out in public together?

No. 186163

You guys are exclusive, right? If so, he is your boyfriend.
Even if you don't call a duck a duck, it's still a duck. I think your bf is stupid, but you also don't want to put pressure on him in a stressful situation, so I'd just wait until he has more free time. If he still doesn't want to commit then, you know something's up.

No. 186194

Sorry anon, but this dude is already sending up major red flags. Talking about you being his wife so soon (even jokingly) is love bombing while refusing to accept the boyfriend label shows he's actually not serious. Someone who really wanted to be with you wouldn't do that. It's manipulative and I'm getting the vibe that after he gets whatever he wants from you he's going to bolt. Have you had sex yet? Because if not, I'd bet that's it. If so, he's probably stringing you along until he finds someone he considers better.
>talking about you being wife material he can get shit out of you now and then later just dip
Exactly this. He's a bullshitter and I'd tell him you're looking for something serious and since he isn't ready to commit you're moving on. Don't let him convince you otherwise once he starts backpedaling, because he will, and it will show him he can make you dance as he pleases. He's already expressed the type of person he is, and it isn't good.

No. 186198

Just ghost his ass because he doesn't see you as his gf.

No. 186201

Personally I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and wait until after his graduation. If he doesn't want to "commit to a label" after that, time to ditch.

No. 186202

You're being way too generous towards this shithead.

No. 186208

>When you say he texts all day, are you seeing each other in person much? What do you do with your time together in person? Are you going places and being coupley out in public together?
We see each other in person as often as we can (so 1-3 times a week). He does take me on dates and we act coupley in public.

Fuck I was really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't love bombing me, I think you might be right. We have had plenty of sex already and it's been really good but he has a low sex drive and prefers to just hang out a lot of the time, so I don't feel like I'm being used for sex.
>he's probably stringing you along until he finds someone he considers better.
Yeah this is exactly what I'm afraid of.

I think this is what I'm going to do, if only because his graduation is coming up pretty soon. He already refers to us as being in a relationship and has told his mom about me, which I think is the most confusing part. At the very least I've decided to stop being so available to him and have spent less time on my phone with him, and also turned down a date with him to hang out with my friend tomorrow. I guess I'll be back in a few weeks to get told-you-so'd lol.

No. 186262

My boyfriend is not cuddly at all, and I'm a very cuddly person. I would love to spoon him, to give and receive massages, for him to caress me, to make out, to wrestle and tickle him in bed and all that. Almost every time I initiate any of this, he's not interested, and he very seldom initiates any of it. We also get into a lot of weird fights and he has a tendency of yelling, flipping me off and calling me a bitch (the word in our language is not as harsh but has a similar meaning). I'm not a saint and I mess up sometimes but I would prefer to resolve conflicts more calmly and think that yelling and calling each other names is really unnecessary. Those are the two main issues I have when it comes to our relationship.

He has some qualities that I'm afraid I'll never find in another man though. He's fiercely loyal, he doesn't even watch porn (and yes, I'm 100% certain he's honest about this). He can also be very understanding, he's intelligent and he's pretty supportive. He’s also physically my type and I’m not attracted to a lot of people. I know that he loves me and even though he doesn’t cuddle much, he shows me in other ways, like buying me sweets sometimes, cooking and helping me out with a looot of stuff.

I just feel so conflicted. We live together and I care about him so breaking up would be hell. I also see a lot of his good qualities. I just don't know if any of this should be a dealbreaker. I'm kind of hurting inside because of the lack of physical affection and I also can’t stand the yelling. It happens maybe once a week or every other week, that he raises his voice. The other day he yelled “I don't want you anymore” over some really stupid little argument about food. I almost stormed out and told him that I'm done but then I remembered our current living situation and that it's not possible at the moment. Of course, he begged me to forgive him for the rest of the night and said that he's really stressed out due to several factors at the moment. But… I don't think that our situation at the moment is THAT stressful, so that makes me wonder how he would act in a situation that is super stressful like someone dying or something happening to our dog.

What do you guys say? I feel damn conflicted because he acts super sweet a lot of the time and then he can just be a huge a-hole. I'm also worried that I'll never meet a dude again who isn't pornsick because all my exes were.

No. 186266

I'm glad you're at least creating more space from this guy, both mentally and physically. Hate to say it, but prepare for the worst. If he really wanted to "lock you down" (in a more positive sense) he wouldn't be faffing about like this when it comes to defining the relationship. Seems like he's creating a loophole to say "well we were never really official" for when he decides to split.

No. 186267

>he has a tendency of yelling, flipping me off and calling me a bitch

Stopped reading, dump this loser. He could be a literal fucking saint and this behavior would not be okay. When a man treats you like this, he does it intentionally. Please read "Why Does He Do That?", it perfectly explains how abusive men act to keep control over their partners.

No. 186268

Sorry but you're doing the typical, "He's so amazing and perfect except for [insert massive deal-breaking issues here]." It doesn't matter if he has some good qualities when he's absolute garbage in others. Screaming and swearing at your partner is disrespectful, dehumanizing and abusive. It is not how you treat someone you love, despite how much he may say otherwise. You will never be anything more than a glorified pet with a man like this. If that's enough for you, fine, but welcome to the real world where the bar for men is so low that treating a partner with basic decency and kindness is a rarity.

No. 186269

He's abusive asshole who yells at you about not wanting to be with you sometimes, and other times he is relatively polite to you and buys you treats. The bar you've set is so incredibly low. You can do better sis. Contrary to what scrotes like him would like you to believe, there are attractive people out there who can meet your needs including not watching porn, cooking, cleaning, cuddling, helping you out, and being nice etc, without having to balance it out by being an absolute dirtbag.

No. 186276

Thanks, anon. I'm gonna read it as soon as possible!

You're probably right, and if a friend told me this, I’d give her the same advice. It's just so much harder when you're actually living it rather than being on the outside. I guess it doesn't even really matter if I never find anyone else. Damn, I really need to work on my self-esteem.

Thanks, anon, I love your reply, it's really motivating. I will take a screenshot of your replies and use them to gather my strength when it's time.

Tbh, I didn't realise how bad it was until I wrote it all out.

No. 186283

> there are attractive people out there who can meet your needs including not watching porn, cooking, cleaning, cuddling, helping you out, and being nice
people, sure, but heterosexual men? how do I go about finding such a mythical creature? from my experience, I'm more likely to encounter a unicorn prancing down the street in broad daylight

No. 186286

anons, i know it's important to have a man that doesn't have porn, but i'd rather be with a guy who occasionally watched vanilla porn than a dude who never watched it but called me a bitch and never showed me affection. not watching porn doesn't mean a man is inherently quality or not misogynist. not watching porn/not having a porn addiction is the bare minimum

No. 186287

There’s no need to wait until the situation gets dire and he ruins your mental well-being. Why are you setting yourself up to be pathetic? Also flights can’t be cheap, he’s technically dropping 100s on another girl…

No. 186293

Not to porn sperg, but what’s even considered vanilla nowadays? The front page/popular section of any popular porn site has the grossest, most demeaning content imaginable. Just looking at the popular videos on pornhub is enough to turn me off from sex for a week. It’s kinda insane women are just supposed to put up with it.

No. 186302

They do exist anon but they may not be available to you at the moment, by no fault of your own. The dating pool for younger women tends to be populated with tons of worthless pornsick and/or abusive mentally ill scrotes, including and especially older men who prefer to date women 10+ years their junior. Sure, some good young men are dating around that age and it's not impossible to find one, but you have to navigate a mass desperate and manipulative losers in the process, which can honestly really fuck you up mentally the more times you experience them. When I was younger I genuinely believed the meme that all straight men are abusive coomers, because abusive coomers prey almost exclusively on young women and convince women that this is just how all men are. High quality men tend to spend their adult teens and twenties establishing their careers before looking for a serious relationship, and when they do start looking those men prefer women close to their own age. If you're still pretty young, spend your time working on your personal goals and have some fun and look for a real partner a little later. You can find a nice fuckboy around your age if you'd like, maybe he'll turn out to be a genuine good guy, but don't get so attached that you'd put up with or excuse any shitty behavior.

No. 186305

Sheer luck, honestly. Also: Setting expectations.

No. 186338

so true.
I'm 27 so I'm no spring chicken anymore. plenty of terrible experiences with men have left me jaded and feeling kinda hopeless. I can definitely relate to
> older men who prefer to date women 10+ years their junior
> navigating a mass of desperate and manipulative losers in the process, which can honestly really fuck you up mentally the more times you experience them
I've only ever had one somewhat healthy relationship and everything else has been absolutely soul-crushing. but thank you for reminding me that it's not my fault. anon, what made you stop believing that all straight men are abusive coomers? did you find someone high value?

No. 186347

Argued a lot with my bf then he said “ i know you won't but i hope you'll remember everything nice i've done for you and said to you” then ignored me. Its been 2 days since hes ignoring me. im crying i cant sleep i cant eat i cant function i dont know if hes done with me. I replied to him and he never replied. im so worthless

No. 186348

>I'm an asshole now but I was nice to you at an earlier point in time, so you owe me!
no idea what you guys fought about but he's probably not worth it.

No. 186350

No “probably” necessary, he isn’t. Healthy arguments involve listening to your partner and calmly explaining your perspective, not arrogantly informing them of how generous you are and then ghosting/stonewalling them.
Despite his poor behavior, you have issues girl. You sound codependent as hell. No man should have so much sway over you that you’re shaking and pissing your pants over an asshole potentially doing you the favor of fucking off for good. You’re basing all your worth on this idiot’s opinion, please get help to develop a better sense of self worth.

No. 186352

You're either a minor or you have personal problems because
> im crying i cant sleep i cant eat i cant function
> im so worthless
is an incredibly unhealthy reaction. But so is your bf giving you the silent treatment so clearly both of you have issues to work through.

No. 186353

Thanks girls i needed to hear it. I cant believe he did that to me.
He never ignored me before so i dont know why he did that, but what i do know is i shouldnt tolerate it.
Ive told him giving me the silent treatment is abusive and horrible. If he doesnt apologize then ill just block him and move on. Cant believe this is someone ive been dating for a year. It hurts so much because he was always so sweet to me. Ill try to distract myself and focus on myself. Cant let a guy make me depressed

No. 186354

youre right. i have depression. i need to calm myself down

No. 186355

(Forgot to add im not a minor im 20). i guess it makes it worse

No. 186356

Holy shit, someone here who actually listens to advice and takes responsibility for their life instead of grasping at straws to defend and continuing to be thrashed about by their shitty abusive bf. You will be absolutely fine anon.

No. 186360

If he's ignored you for 2 days that's just emotional punishment. Been there. Please take the lead and consider this relationship over. Don't sit around and desperately worry about whether this is the end or not.. these games are designed to torture you and you do sound very emotionally vulnerable to them. Don't stick around in this misery. You're better off without this relationship. Consider this a break up and start putting yourself in the headspace of moving on and working on yourself and your self esteem.

>If he doesnt apologize then ill just block him and move on
Just move on regardless. If someone is emotionally abusive…what does an apology even matter? Cut and run.

No. 186390

Just an update. He replied he doesnt want to talk.
welp. fuck him. Im officially single. shit hurts so much. cant believe i wrote so much for someone who doesnt care but ill be alright. he doesnt deserve me. I didnt reply to him and i wont. Thanks a lot for all the anons here.
I refuse to cry for someone whos fine ignoring me. Ill just focus on myself and my friends.

No. 186437

Good job nonny, seriously. It’s usually an uphill battle getting anyone to respect themselves here but I’m glad you know his behavior is unacceptable. It does hurt when someone who claims to care for you lets you down, but there will be other (better) opportunities for a partner and plenty of other things in your life to enjoy as well. Good luck and keep taking care of yourself.

No. 186453

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My heart breaks for you anon, I hope you find peace with yourself and love yourself like the queen you are

No. 186463

Thank you anons. youre all very sweet. Its his loss. Ill just have to keep reminding myself its not my fault he decided to be this way and move on

No. 186471

Good job, anon! He doesn't deserve you.

No. 186625

How much fighting is actually normal in a relationship? I don't know if I'm overreacting.

No. 186627

? I think any amount of conflicts is not normal at all. Sure, maybe once a year but u have to compromise instead of arguing with eachother wtf

No. 186630

Wait, how old are you? Just asking because I've never heard an adult say that any amount of conflict in a relationship is not normal.

No. 186642

It's normal to fight, the questions is how these fights go and do they get resolved? Two people with more fiery temperament may have arguments often but as long as they are capable to talk things out and are not resorting to insulting each other it's all ok. Definitely better than bottling things up trying to fit some imaginary "relationship standard".

No. 186645

Fighting isn't normal. Any disagreements should be you and your partner vs the problem, not you vs him.

No. 186646

occasional disagreements, debates, miscommunication, accidentally hurt feelings are normal like they are in any kind of relationship.

if they're fights that turn into screaming, insulting, tearing each other down, and/or hurting each other's feelings on purpose, that's not healthy. you can disagree and even argue without disrespecting your SO.

No. 186648

OP, don't believe what you read on LC, check what literally any psychologist or therapist has to say about fighting in relationships, you'll have your answer from someone who is less likely to be a farmer

No. 186651

Well, yeah, I would love to talk to a therapist about it but they have a 1 year wait list where I live.

No. 186653

You don't need to see a therapist when you have such a general question, just use the knowledge available for free online, or invest in books.

No. 186655

None of the answers here are bad. Disagree that "any amount of conflict" is not normal, however everyone else saying that huge blow ups should basically never occur and that occasional hurt feelings/disagreements should get resolved through respectful communication sans screaming and insults is perfectly correct. Therapists express the same.

No. 186658

Thanks, anon. I mean, my bf and I resolve most of our conflicts but not until after he's screamed at me. He also gets upset over weird stuff sometimes and I never know what will be the next thing he'll get angry about that didn't even seem like an issue to me.

No. 186660

Well it honestly depends on what exactly OP means, because to me it sounded like some rough arguement (English is my third language, sorry). It's okay to have disagreements (which are always obviously resolved like normal people do; with compromise, you obviously don't have to have the same opinions on everything, you both are different people after all, but there should be middle ground, or "agree to disagree" in the very worst case, but then again, it depends on a situation ) but if all you do is argue all the time then it's not good at all.

No. 186661

That's definitely not normal or healthy anon. The whole "walking on eggshells" thing is typical when you're dealing with emotional abuse and/or personality disorders. To put it bluntly, you shouldn't stay with someone who treats you so poorly. He is not treating you with kindness and love, which is pretty much the bare minimum when it comes to a relationship. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you drop him.

No. 186668

I feel like I might be pathologically dissatisfied with relationships, even though I've only had two and one that was so short it doesn't even count.
I also feel like I've both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. When in relationship, I often imagine myself being alone and making up reasons why the future with my current bf is impossible. Although I didn't even have to make up something while being with my ex, but even in the good times there were some little things that made me annoyed too.
And I doubt that finding someone else is a solution, tbh. I think the problem is that I don't really believe someone can love me, and I kind of don't let myself be too attached, unless partner acts cold, because then I appear to be unhealthily dependent. At least that's how it was in my previous relationship, with a partner that was also anxious and avoidant and that used to be more anxious with me at the very beginning and got more avoidant after we broke up (my initiative) and later got together again. Guess that's what happened to me as well.
I can't let myself be attached, so I keep focusing on every little flaw. And yeah, I wouldn't say that my current bf is 100% perfect for me, but I doubt it's even possible, and this relationship is pretty good: I'm comfortable with him, we have healthy communication, he's overall decent and very nice guy, we have some things in common. I think it'd be stupid to look for someone new. I'd be excited at first and then it'd be just the same. Also the mere thought of getting close with someone new makes me feel exhausted.
Sometimes I think that it must mean that I just should be alone but I highly doubt it'll make me happy. I often feel alone regardless of being in a relationship and it kills me. I really want to have someone and be close with someone, and yet it seems I only sabotage things.
I know I need a therapist but I don't have enough money now, so… maybe someone here has similar experience? How do you fight it? What do?

No. 186669

Leave poor person alone and start fixing your own head. Your mind sounds like a recipe for disaster for both of you.

No. 186672

Same, anon, same.

No. 186677

>I wouldn't say that my current bf is 100% perfect for me
In what ways? Like you're not the biggest fan of his wardrobe or you have wildly differing life goals/outlooks? Because there's a huge leap here between settling and making yourself more miserable vs accepting a normal amount of differences with a partner.
>don't let myself be too attached
The issue seems to be that you crave closeness but you're scared of getting close because it makes you more vulnerable. I think one way to address this sort of problem is by being incrementally more open about your struggles with your partner, but I have no idea how supportive your boyfriend is or if you even think he's worth fostering a deeper relationship with. That being said, whether you stay with him or not, the core problem is that you "don't really believe someone can love [you]." If you don't believe you're lovable, someone else can tell you otherwise till they're blue in the face, but it still won't make a difference because you choose not to believe it. If you haven't tried CBT before, I found the book Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques by McKay very helpful in breaking down the false reasons I thought I was worthless. Once you get over that hump, it becomes easier to see if other people are worth trusting and whether they contribute to your life or not.

No. 186709

Do you mind me asking what kind of things he gets angry at that you don't think seem like issues?

No. 186711

Anon, I don’t think being shaken up about a relationship ending, even an abusive one, is immature.

No. 186712

nta but god damn I wish I could change my bf's wardrobe. his nonexistent zillenial style is just meh

No. 186716

Huh, it seems I'm much more tolerant of a guy being a bit weird if he has actual agency and talents and real interests. Who'd have thunk. (I'm weird too, but judgemental.)

No. 186741

I think what matters more is how the conflict is settled. Also is it truly settled or do old arguments just repeat. Do either of you hit the other one with some really low (verbal) blows? Do you say horrible shit to hurt them or just stick to the subject at hand? Is your arguing productive or is one emotionally punishing the other?

I dated someone before where our weekends were sometimes just entirely ruined by him giving me the silent treatment for 2 days straight (living in a tiny apartment together) If I tried to break through the silence he'd either double down or scream his head off for an hour. Both were abusive. It didn't happen too often but when it did it meant that my 2 days off work were absolutely ruined and consumed by his bad mood. I felt miserable in my own home. Then I'd return to work on monday feeling like hell, unrested, all plans that I told coworkers about had been ruined but I couldn't tell them why. I should've left the first time it happened because that was the only way this guy knew to express his displeasure at something. He's not about to get intensive therapy so he won't change anytime soon. There was never anything productive about those fights. I'd beg to sit down and come up with a resolution together but some people fight just to punish others. I think issues like that have some deep roots. Don't ever sign a lease with someone til you've at least had a couple of blow ups and made sure they don't escalate or drag shit out like that lol

No. 186763

>Late last night I finally brought it up - admittedly not in the most calm manner, but I didn't tell or accuse, I was just crying and asked who she was, and why her pictures were saved on his computer.
Between this and the fact it was in the trashcan I'd assume this is probably a case of masturbating to it then feeling shame and deleting it which means he knows it's wrong on some level and possibly the way you brought it up launching right into tears made him feel ambushed not to mention probably annoyed about his privacy being violated.

>I truly don't think he's trying to cheat on me or will, it just. Hurts. I tried to get him to understand, I asked him if he would be okay if I thought of my male friends while I fucked myself with a dildo, if I searched through their Facebook for pictures to get off to, would he be okay with that? He insisted that he would be, which I don't think is true.

This sort of comparison is a bad idea if he already views his actions like this as a shameful vice which, again, he probably does if he'd already deleted the images. It fails to get across why you're upset because you are asking 'what if I also had a moment of weakness' which is how he views the situation and clearly he can live with himself doing that.

In other words wait until he cools down and explain your reasoning again, making clear it's a red line regardless of whether or not he agrees with you i.e. explain but don't try and persuade because a man will take that as a debate when this needs to be a simple statement. It sounds odd but a man will understand the idea of a rule even if he disagrees with the reason for that rule you just have to make it clear that the conclusion isn't up for debate the question then becomes one of if he will actually follow it.

I know it's frustrating because you want him to understand and agree with your perspective and emotional process but he won't or more likely can't however good men will agree to avoid specific behaviour even without that understanding if you make is very clear that is your expectation, not an argument about how valid or not your emotions leading to that expectation are.

That said the above is a general statement about relationships, personal red lines and how to communicate emotional needs to men but in this specific situation I'd consider his actions to be akin to cheating because it's someone he knows and second chances for cheating are dumb so you'd be better to just walk away entirely. The fact he deleted the images tells you he is aware that this is not simple porn. I don't have a problem with normal porn either but knowing the girl is a completely different situation.

No. 186765

Unless there is a very good reason for his flying all the way out there like some event he regularly attends, a marriage, a funeral or whatever which incidentally means staying with her then he's going out there to fuck her. Think about if this was a male friend: he would not fly out to meet a male friend without some additional circumstance motivating it.

No. 186766

>my bf jerks off to women he knows but hes ~soooo goooooood~
He's pathetic but so are you for letting him get away with it.

No. 186780

This was a lot of mental gymnastics and “just cOmMuNiCaTe” advice to say “but really he’s emotionally cheating and you should leave him.” Next time you can skip the part where you attempt to rationalize coomer behavior as human, this isn’t Reddit where you have to pad out the real advice with a few paragraphs of pickme fluff. Also
>I don't have a problem with normal porn either

No. 186786

I agree with you. Also, tired of most women thinking that men fapping to someone they know is unacceptable, but fapping to porn is somehow okay. They're both awful in different ways.

No. 186868

I need advice.

Basically, I've known a man for 1.5 years, I care very much for this man and we've had perfect chemistry from the start since I met him and have talked nearly every single day. This man and I played with the idea of pursuing a LDR on multiple occasions but those feelings and plans fell through because of other obligations and logistical problems in both of our lives that just could not be ignored. Lately a lot of those problems have fixed themselves or have become less problematic, and now those old feelings are starting to come back again. While I would be fine to continue as friends like we have been since the other attempts at romance failed, I feel VERY strongly for him now and am considering giving it a shot. But I'm very anxious of LDRs and am scared that I could hurt him emotionally and that things between us could be permanently ruined. But I also cannot ignore how I feel. I just feel very trapped with all these feelings and I feel like the only solution is to come out with them, but I am fearful of what will happen after that. I am still not 100% convinced an LDR could work but with him.. I think I am willing to try it and it could be the chance of a lifetime with someone I feel I have truly connected with… I just want it to work.

No. 186877

Since you both felt like it could work before, why not give it a shot? Yes, it could not work out, but at least you'll have tried instead of maybe asking yourself what could've been in 10 years.
Any chance the LDR could become a normal relationship in the future?

No. 186881

I originally had something much, much, MUCH longer written out but I got frustrated and just went with this and tried to fit as many details as I could in one paragraph.

But basically, yes, that chance is there. The problem is it will just take time. The distance itself is not that bad but we are in different countries and that poses an issue in itself. I am in Canada and he is in the US. It's still not possible for him to come here due to border restrictions but if we were to start something I would think at this rate we could make plans for him to fly here within a year. I guess from there we would see how things went. Repeat visits.. extended stays. To put our compatibility to the fullest test. And then I suppose the final step would be moving in if all of those things worked as planned.

Of course this is all hypothetical.. I haven't even worked myself into asking him again yet. But I am confident he will be on board because I know he has deep feelings for me too. It's just with how long things could take for the whole process that worries me.. I do think if we are truly meant to be then it would be worth it but it would be challenging for sure.

No. 186909

Not really sure what to do now.
My bf is friends with a girl, let's call her Ann. Recently she became really intense, texting him all the time, wanting to meet up. We actually met up with her for a beer and they were only talking with each other, I got jealous and left earlier. We argued about it, my bf was angry at me for not being social with her (I'm introverted and she's a stranger that I've seen texting my bf all the time so… I wasn't the most friendly). We made up.
So, one day my bf tells me that he knows why Ann is texting him so much, she broke up with her bf. He found it amusing but I explained to him that he shouldn't make himself so "avaiable" to her right now, texting day and night, making plans for meeting up "with me or without me, if I don't wanna go". He admitted he complained about me to her (because of that fight), so she probably thinks things are rocky and she might have a chance. After my explanation, when she invited him to hang out he asked if there will be more people, to give a sign he doesn't want to meet up with her only. Which is cool, at least he understood something. But they still text a lot, she's his first choice everywhere on socials when you pick send.
I don't know. I feel like he's maybe enjoying the attention. I don't want to be like "cut her off", because I wouldn't let my bf do that to my guy friends, but it irks me. Not sure if I should just trust my guy and ignore it all, waiting for the girl to get a clue, or get angry at him for entertaining her when he's aware she's lowkey after him.

No. 186910

god I really don't know what to suggest because I, like you, would be foaming at the mouth, but getting into arguments about the other girl or being rude to her would definitely just push them closer together because she can frame herself as having done nothing wrong etc and guys are stupid

No. 186911

> He admitted he complained about me to her (because of that fight)
So that means, she will most likely talked shit about you and is slowly trying pushing the idea of you guys breaking up.

If you will go "I want you to spend less time w her" @ him or her (assuming if he will talk about it, which he probably will because he ranted about you), she will use it as a tactics to make things worse.

So I think, why don't you play-pretend try to befriend her? You could show an interest in getting to know your bfs friends, and say how bad you feel for her over a breakup, adding that you are sure that she needs some women's support right now, which would lead to asking if you guys could spend time as three people, pushing the idea. You could watch her reaction (and his reaction) about it, but especially keeping an eye on the way she looks and acts about it. If she goes "NLOG" route, then that's a walking red flag.

Men are really easily manipulated by these kinds of "aww, I bwokw up with my bf…I wish there were more men like you! Damn, your gf sucks" weirdos, but there's still hope that she is not one. A small one, but still.

It's definitely okay to vent to your friends especially if you broke up if you both know eachother for awhile, but the fact that she keeps glueing to him as if he is the only man in this entire world after break up sounds REALLY alarming.

No. 186912

Honestly I'd recommend the "cut her off" approach the most. I know it's a lot but it's clearly what you want and what would be the best in this situation, just explain it well to your boyfriend so he sees your point.
Anecdotal evidence but I've tried this approach >>186911 suggests
>So I think, why don't you play-pretend try to befriend her? You could show an interest in getting to know your bfs friends, and say how bad you feel for her over a breakup
in an exact this situation - close friend of my (now ex)bf, very close with said bf, just went through breakup; I felt insecure about her but didn't want to sound insane so I thought exactly that, I'll be her friend and make sure nothing bad will happen. She was VERY happy to be friends with me, happy to vent and spend time, sometimes just the two of us so I thought we became friends and I think, there's no way she'd backstab me surely? Well, turns out she was happy to get the opportunity to get closer to me because that meant she can spend more time with my bf and ultimately hiding in plain sight with her intentions to be with him. Of course he's guilty too, maybe even more than her, but I'm raising this as the point that becoming friends will most likely just make things easier for her if her intention is to get your boyfriend.

No. 186913

It's weird that you're so focused on what the other girl does or wants. What power could she have over a loyal, loving man who respects his gf and wants to be faithful to her? The only thing that matters is how anon's boyfriend reacts - and so far, it seems like he's mostly enjoyed and encouraged it, or at least he hasn't taken any serious steps to distance himself from a woman who blatantly disrespects his gf. It's up to anon to figure out if he's just interested in the ego boost or if he's interested in her.

No. 186914

If it was me I'd just be a petty bitch and if she makes plans with him I'd make plans for that day and be a complete bitch if he choose her. She's obviously talked shit with him about you if he's admitting to venting to her about you so I really wouldn't be that friendly to her. I'd even go with him to see her even if you don't want too just be an imposing presence. Flirt with your boyfriend, be cute with him in front of her. He probably does like her attention. When she texts him when you're around just take his attention away from his phone.

No. 186919

Please make sure you read >>186913
The other girl doesn't matter, but how your bf reacts certainly does. Like fuck, he's complaining about you to her, getting angry at you because you understandably don't want to be involved with her… It seems like he is enjoying the validation and drama, he is not boyfriend material imo. I don't think you should try to be buddy buddy with her and manipulate the situation, but should really take a step back and ask yourself if this kind of behavior is something you really want from a partner. This shit would make me feel annoyed and want to break up, he is immature as fuck and hasn't gotten past the petty high school drama stage.

No. 186923

I am sorry nonny but he absolutely knows she's into him and stringing her along for validation or possible backup plan. He also seems to be looking out for your reactions and getting some weird kick out of them. I hate how men are treated as if they were oblivious to the most obvious shit when he's clearly aware. If he had any respect for you he'd end the bullshit and say to her clearly that he's not interested.

It may seem counter intuitive but you should refuse to show that you are bothered by it and keep on living your life. Find a new hobby, make new (perhaps male?) friends. Don't waste your energy on trying to talk him out of it or try to befriend her, chances are she will see you as a rival from the get go. Nothing makes men more furious than indifference from their partner which is also why males tend to remember their exes for years.

No. 186924

Sounds very unfun.
Honestly I was in the same situation roles reversed. Guy friend of mine showed clear interest in me, made my bf feel bad that I would not cut him off and chose the diplomatic route instead. I wanted to keep the friendship still because I trusted myself and my intentions, also felt lowkey offended and scared I'd be isolated cause not many friends (only hung out with him very sparingly though), but after a bit I bothered to check in with how my partner was feeling about it and truly consider his feelings, and he was upset enough about it that it didn't seem worth it anymore. Your partner's priority should be to protect you from harm. Doing somethig that hurts your self esteem is a fucking no.

Idk anything about your bf but it's even possible that he's enjoying the jealousy from you, if you get any vibes like that dump his sorry ass on the spot.

I recommend giving it time, keeping a cool head, observing and detaching from the situation so you can clearly assess your boyfriend's reaction to her flirting (and be aroud them a bit more so you can get an idea, she's gonna be subtle but you'll probably be able to tell if she's trying to be cute)

The main goal is to talk to him about it, while giving him time. For that you need to determine if she's really trying to get your bf, what this man is doing about it and where his priorities lie (his ego or you), and not acting in any way that would further her goals. Men come and go after all and if this is a test the outcome will be better for you either way. Just stay dignified and good luck to you <3

No. 186976

How do I know if my crush is over his past crush or not? I don't want you pry into it too much because I don't want him to know that I like him yet. I worry I may be too jealous.

No. 186978

Yep, this sounds absolutely exhausting and like she’s dealing with a 13-year-old who’s excited about having girls fight over him and playing up the drama. Whining about her with the other women behind her back, then doubling down and complaining when she brings it up? Wow, how manly and loyal. Clearly a real catch.

What the fuck anon, you’d have to have zero standards to put up with this shit. Don’t fuck petty little boys.

No. 186980

If you aren’t even romantically involved with this guy why are you worrying about who he may or may not like? Has he expressed any interest in you?

No. 186981

It sounds like your heart wants it and if you think there's a chance it can work I see no reason not to go for it.

And don't be shy about posting long posts, even if not every last detail is helpful you will probably feel better writing things out clearly.

No. 186993

>Has he expressed any interest in you?
Yes. I'm worried because I'm afraid I won't be able to 'compete' with her or that she'll be better than me in his mind always.

No. 187016

don't wanna spam tag the replies, so: I'm an >>186909 anon.

Thank you, didn't expect such big feedback and various advice.
Yes, I think he gets some kick out of me being jealous because he's pretty insecure about himself, so me being angry and the girl's attention validates him. It's childish, just plainly thoughtless. Ngl, he's an idiot about many things.
I think I will, as some anons advised, wait but still keep an eye on them. Can't really detach myself, bothers me too much. We won't see each other this week, so she may take the chance to hang out with him. If he agrees, I'm going to drop the cool-headed shtick and either really tell him off, or just fucking ascend and distance myself out of this mess, because I won't fight for a dude with 5 years old younger attention thot.

No. 187020

I see. I guess it depends on how extensively he's brought the other woman up, and in what context. If he mentioned it in passing during a relevant conversation that's one thing, but if he's constantly talking about her and finding ways to interact with her then it would seem more like a "settling" situation. But remember this isn't only about him. If you're uncomfortable with this scenario and feel like him having a recent crush would cause you a lot of anxiety, it doesn't matter where he actually stands. Don't subject yourself to unecessary stress when you could find a guy without that baggage.

No. 187061

go for it.

No. 187070

Yeah it's tiring to worry about female friends of guy you're dating. I had a bf that had unclear boundaries with his female friends and it honestly kept stressing me out so much I dropped him. I just want to rely on and be able to trust my partner.
He kept making me out to be a jealous bitch and it felt like gaslighting, saying that flirting and sending hearts and body compliments to a woman he used to date is normal, buying his former dance partner theatre tickets and inviting her out is normal, badmouthing me to his female friend and secretly going out with her behind my back is normal, etc…
I sleep much better since then and even though I miss him, I just wouldn't be able worry like this my whole life if I stayed with him.

No. 187117

My boyfriend and I play an online game together. He started playing it much earlier than me and is a lot better than me. That being said, I began to get extremely tired of every mistake I was making being focused on by him and he began giving unwanted criticism and advice constantly to the point the game was no longer enjoyable. I told him about this and he said "well if we're playing competitive I'm going to tell you how to get better so either play casual or don't play with me". So now we only play casual mode together. Today we played 2 games of casual mode and he began giving unwanted criticism again, so I said "i'm just playing casual I don't need advice", so he said "OK i'm done playing", left the discord call without another word and then when I went to talk to him about it in person he accused me of being grumpy which is why he left, even though I was just trying to remind him that all this unwanted advice annoys me when I'm just trying to have fun. Another thing I should note is every time he suggests a game we play it for a few hours together minimum. Whenever I suggest a game, which was the case this time, he always finds some miniscule excuse in my behaviour to stop playing after 15 mintues because I'm "too grumpy" or "its not fun with you anymore". He will happily play the same games I suggest with friends for hours but when its with me he seems to hate every second of it, which makes me feel really great. So I either play the games he suggests or we play no games at all. He threw a tantrum over something he'd agree to not do in casual mode, and now I'm sitting here wondering why I'm dating a child. What do I do, anons? I'll definitely not play that game with him anymore, but still? Manchild behaviour

No. 187119

Incredibly autistic and childish of him. I would just stop doing anything with him if that's how selfish he acts.

No. 187129

kek i dated manchildren like this in the past. they have some autistic form of """"competitiveness"""" and hate if their gf does something they deem "bad" in game. sperg dudes like this can't just let things go and have fun with their significant other, they absolutely MUST take every single opportunity possible to demean their gf if they think they're right or better than them in a video game. they are unhelpable when it comes to this, they will never ever change kek.
t. autist who dated a bunch of retarded gamer spergs

No. 187132

i kind of agree with him. it's really infuriating to play with someone that just… really sucks at the game. even if you're playing casually. i don't know your situation fully so it's undetermined if you're just horrible at it or he's being nitpicky for no reason but if it's the former then maybe just get a bit better because i can guarantee you the other people on your team are probably raging too. if it's the latter then he's a baby sperg, tell him straight up to his face "i don't want to play games with you because you do this and say this"

No. 187135

I don't suck at the game, we're both close to the highest ranks of the game now. So I really don't see this being a thing in his mind. I think he's just weirdly competitive and has to always undermine me to make sure I don't feel like I could possibly be better than him or something.

Yeah what you just described is him, given any scenario where a game is involved he's always being like "yeah you did x and y wrong" and just assuming I'm fucking braindead, explaining things in a game I have 500+ hrs in…really not fun.

No. 187136

>he's just weirdly competitive and has to always undermine me to make sure I don't feel like I could possibly be better than him or something.
this is exactly it. i'm >>187129
it's best to just not play games that can be competitive with people like him. you should tell him he makes it unfun to play with him because he makes it like a competition between the two of you, and putting you down feels like shit when he's nice to his friends when he plays with them, and is only a jerk to you, his fucking girlfriend.

No. 187164

It all reminds me of manchild that u used to know, his only excuse on being an asshole and such was "I am a sociopath Xd", he would act the same way when it comes to videogames, being happy only when I suck and never acknowledging it when I am doing better than him, only being "grumpy" too.

Are you edating? He sounds like a horrible pain in the ass. Is there any other scenario when he acts that way?

No. 187171

>Are you edating?
No, we've been together 3 years and moved in together late last year as we both attend the same college and it worked out cheap. For the first 2 years he was absolutely fine, this manchild behaviour was barely there, if at all. I would never have dated him if he was like this from the beginning. Now that I think about it, there are other scenarios where he's like this:

>I will suggest a solution to a problem and he will immediately shoot it down, sometimes even laugh at how stupid the idea sounds to him. After doing his own research and realising I was right, says nothing about the fact that I was right and makes it out like its his amazing idea

>He got a speeding ticket in my car, got depressed at the $480 he needed to pay for it and immediately accused me of "only making sure the fine wasn't under [my] name" and not supporting him enough in his post-fine depression, even though he misused my vehicle and should fucking suck it up
>Hates any anime/movie I suggest we watch, always wants to turn it off after 10 minutes, even asked me "is this how you spend your time" after we watched one episode of something I wanted to watch. Makes me sit through entire series of anime/movies he suggests and if I don't he refuses to watch anything with me at all because I "dont seem to enjoy anything we watch anyway" when I turn down 1 night of watching something after having watched 20 episodes
>Has rich grandparents who always offer to help him financially, turns it down childishly and gets angry at them for offering help. Turns down mental health treatment he desperately needs on the basis of "having no money", even though he has family that loves him and wants to help financially, when I and our friends don't have that luxury
>Never messages his family so they assume the worst. I gave his grandparents my phone number in case something happened to him, telling them "if you're ever worried about him please message me" his grandma kept sending me messages every week asking why he wasnt answering her calls/texts so I asked him to respond to his family and he snarkily sent me a message saying "yeah if you're ever worried about him please message me", and when I said "what the fuck dude" he said "what the fuck? what do you mean what the fuck I'm having a fucking shit day" and went on not responding to his family

Just so you know, the more I've written in this thread the more I'm convinced I'm packing my shit as soon as this lease ends. I'm aware there's no hope and he's a manchild. I just want to know what I can do in the meantime to live civily with him. Enjoy the greentext disaster that is my life, though.

No. 187172

how do i gently encourage my long distance gf to los