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Vent your heart out, give and receive relationship advice from fellow farmers.
Yes. Dump his ass, he knows you have trust issues and still does shit like this
Also a coomer
>>176530>"I have you so I don't need it. You're the only girl I want to look at"
That is manipulative. What else is he willing to lie to you about to make you feel good?
There isn't a single man alive who doesn't sometimes want to look at other women.
I've been in a relationship where early on I opened up about having a certain issue, not athe same trust one but something else. Felt it was the adult thing to do to put it out there and be open..To have faith in him to appreciate that openess and use that sensitive info constructively! He then managed to trample all over me in the one exact way that would hurt me most. He had the knowledge no know in advance how devastating that would be for me. I see the similarities here.
Like you said, it was just so unnecessary to lie. I don't think you're overreacting. The fact that you had no issue with porn anyway.. he wasn't backed into a corner or shamed into hiding it. That solidifies just how selfish and like other anon said how weirdly manipulative it is to feed you these bs lines and try to paint himself as something that he's not. He took the initiate to lie and fake who he is without anything prompting him to. That's the type of liar I wouldn't bet on changing.
I've answered this same question in another thread and don't feel like typing it all out again, but to sum up: Men who test you with little white lies are hiding a hundred bigger, nastier lies behind the curtain. The heart of the matter is that they don't respect you enough to abide by your boundaries and feel entitled to manipulate your image of them to keep you on the hook. That is not loving, healthy or respectful, it's devious and controlling. He's playing a game with you. Dump. >Is this a valid reason to break up with him or am I overreacting?
Also, you have the right to leave any relationship for any reason you want whether it seems minor to other people or not. Countless women have stayed in garbage relationships because they've been gaslit by men, acquaintances and society at large into thinking they're "overreacting." All that fucking matters is that it matters to you. If someone's actions are making you feel bad about yourself, do not waste any further time on them.
my most recent ex:
on one of our first few dates, i asked him if he watches porn. he said "no", "not much at all". he agreed with me that it isn't really that good physically or mentally for a guy. and i let him know i didn't like it.
some time (a couple months later) he fully let the facade down and would ask me shit like if i'd watch porn together with him. i didn't want to get into his watching habits directly, but i kind of realized that he probably does watch it more than he let on.
that wasn't the reason we broke up, but it was one of the things that bothered me about him that i decided to "swallow" so i wouldn't seem like a controlling or needy gf or something.
your bf knew very well what he was saying to you, and how much weight his words held. no matter how much men like to play dumb, they are very well aware of how much weight their words carry to their partners. why does it mean more to a woman to hear that her bf thinks she's beautiful, as opposed to some random guy? same logic applies here. he flat out lied to you, and trust me when i say you REALLY need to reconsider how far you want to let this man push your boundaries. if you let him do it enough, when you break up, you're going to feel stupid for letting him walk all over you. you're going to wish you held your ground a bit more.
also>he goes on reddit
My ex always accused me of cheating and blamed his past exes for being paranoid. Turns out he cheated on them and then on me with one of them and countless other women. He nagged me so much that I was cheating. I was so confused because I was so devoted and loyal. I had told him about my parents divorce due to infidelity and how it shaped my view on relationships. We obviously had what I thought were good genuine moments together then suddenly back to have you cheated on me? Etc. He was cheating on me and there were times that mutual acquaintances would allude to it vaguely and I'd ask him whenever he would ask me. These turned into horrible arguments. The final one on the matter he blurted out some shit that I'd only accuse him of cheating if I'd have been. I was like that's what you've been fucking doing to me for months, so you're telling me the only reason you're fixating on it is because you've done it. He never admitted to it directly but also never denied it. The only direct confirmation I got was from other people who witnessed it or my ex told them directly about it.
If you know you have literally never cheated and he keeps making baseless claims about it, he's probably projecting.
You should set boundaries. You've done everything a good partner should to reassure him of your loyalty. At this point he's dealing with some sort of deeper issue and since it's negatively impacting you, he should be getting therapy for it. It's not your job to fix his frankly offensive outlook. Tell him his constant distrust when you've done nothing to warrant it is upsetting you. Doesn't matter if he
thinks he's "just asking" innocent questions, what matters is that it's hurtful to you. It's fine if he seeks reassurance by requesting normal expressions of love (cuddling, asking you to share what you enjoy about him), but he needs to stop with inquiring if you're in love with other people and that sort of thing. If he does, tell him you will not engage anymore and follow through. Don't enable that behavior by rewarding it with reassurance any longer. His attitude toward the relationship is not coming from a healthy place. If he can't afford therapy, he can read a book on getting over infidelity and building trust. Some sort of external resource that is not you and will provide him with steps to move on. He needs to take responsibility for himself, you're not a free counseling service.
Wow what an asshole
Sorry about what you're experiencing, anon. Also farmers are quick to just type "ew dump him" like high-schoolers without helping you step through it. My boyfriend is quite similar. I know he loves me, he tells me all the time and I know it, but he's absolute ass at responding to messages, in fact his family contacts me to ask about him because he's that bad at it. I'll send him shit and he won't respond for ages, sometimes even responding to his mates' messages and playing games with them since the time they were sent. I myself got upset because I felt like I was being ignored, so I approached him about it (as well as his family contacting me to see if he's still alive). He admitted it was a problem and that he would often read my messages, get another one, get distracted and then lose his train of thought without responding. He has since gotten better and replies to his family as well so I don't have to deal with them. I mentioned how it may seem mundane or that there's no point responding to an "I love you" because he and I know that's already true, but that type of assurance is important to me. Just like anyone else your partner may be shit at remembering/staying on top of certain things. Definitely have a conversation with him and make it known that it does upset you especially when you've poured your heart into a paragraph, and that you've noticed he's off playing games/in discord calls and ignoring your messages which hurts. Sometimes guys are stupid and need visual distress presented in front of them to really understand how its affecting you.
Tell him you will dump him if he doesn’t stop. Also shame and berate him for not being a proper man, say you’ll find a man who can cum inside you kek.
Porn addicts are fucking worthless and I hate them. I wasted so many years with one. They can be very sweet at first and full of promises and excuses, then they’ll flip once they’re more comfortable into a disrespectful, cajoling sociopath who will push every boundary you have.
You are pathetic, you sound like a fucking Redditor with your infantilisation of men.
Only deviant males get addicted to porn and they should be shunned and looked at as the disgusting broken men that they are.
If you're that snippy with that anon who is telling you the truth, how about you show some of that attitude towards your boyfriend? Matter of fact is he just doesn't respect or give a shit about what you have to say. Him saying "I love you" doesn't mean anything. He has to show through actions that he respects your feelings and thoughts.
"Maybe I just have to communicate more???" "Maybe he doesn't care about text messages" "maybe have has focus issues"-type of rationalization is a big massive cope and makes you look like a clown. I have untreated ADHD, I hate texting, yet I still make sure to get back to my bf when he's talking to me about anything.
If he wanted to show you basic consideration and respect he would.
Saying "a non-negligible percentage of men will feel no arousal toward other women when paired up" is just setting unrealistic expectations, which is going to hurt a lot more than just settling for reality.>>176530>I have you so I don't need it.
Did you not find this insulting? He practically called you a fleshlight!
Looking for some advice with a girl. We're both on a postgrad course at uni together and she is definitely a sperg (i.e. self-admitted autist) and as a result is quite blunt about her life/interactions with people. We're both bi, and went on a date just before the first covid lockdown in our country. It was middling since I don't think either of us really knew what we wanted; I could have made it clearer, but I didn't want to be too brazen on a first date. Otherwise we get on really well, and we're always talking otherwise. She complements me on my work a lot - we're both doing an arts' postgrad - and as far as I'm aware, she doesn't do that for other people. The other day, we were out in a group chatting about random stuff, and she started speaking about how she's sleeping around with scrotes. In part, I'm being an armchair psychologist cause she's told me a lot about how she struggled growing up with being bullied for being autistic, and I think that she sleeps about as a coping mechanism. It intimidated me a bit, because I don't feel particularly attractive. I really think we could work well together, but at the same time I'm a little scared that whatever I do won't replace her current behaviour, and that perhaps I'm trying to read in too much into our relationship as it is right now. Not sure if I really want advice or if this is just an oblique vent, but I like you nonnies and value your opinions.
if you think the "dump him" advice is a high schooler advice, you yourself may be too young. At the end of the day, life is short and why would you waste time with someone you have so many incompatibilities with? Invest that time in yourself and listening to yourself, instead of twisting yourself to fit the mold and actions of some random dude you've convinced yourself you need to have around (and decided to call it "love").
When people care, they do things that make you happy. They just do it, without you having to beg and overexplain and remind and all that crap, that's why it's not working out. > "sometimes guys are stupid"
… girl. you are fooling yourself. he acts that way because he knows he'll get away with it (you excuse him!) and you don't have a strong enough sense of self. can't you see you are wasting yourself away through this? there's a fundamental incompatibility that is a time bomb… sooner or later it's going to explode in your face. if you invested in yourself the time spent worring about this random dude and trying to convince him to care about your feelings, imagine how much you would advance in your career/studies/life goals.
You're not crazy, at all. That's really gross, especially if she knows that your bf is taken. Ultimately the conflict is between you and her, not you and your boyfriend, right? So I'd encourage you to talk with her yourself as soon as possible. Explain to her that that behaviour or humour makes you uncomfortable and you won't tolerate her speaking to your partner that way. However, if she doubles down on it or gets offended about transphobia or whatever ('cuz she thinks she's "one of the guys" lel), your boyfriend may get kicked from the group for being/associating with a terf
. I'd say that's not much of a loss since he can always make friends with other, more normal people. Just be prepared that he might feel otherwise.
No, you're not overreacting. Frankly it's inappropriate for men to discuss their dicks publicly in general, at "best" it's wildly immature when biological women are present (regardless of what they identify as). It's good that your boyfriend agrees with you, but he needs to be the one to tell her it's not okay. A simple, "Hey I wasn't comfortable with this, don't bring up my genitals" will suffice, and then he should distance himself if it happens again.
>So I'd encourage you to talk with her yourself as soon as possible.
Yeah, don't do this. You're not your partner's mommy who needs to draw boundaries for him. Doing so also makes it easy for the other person to say you're just the psycho overreactive girlfriend. "Anon had a problem with it but she just doesn't get our dynamic, Boyfriend never said anything to me himself, so clearly it's not a big deal to him." He needs to grow up and deal with people personally or else you're going to have to submit to being with a doormat.
It’s iffy, but I do it. I don’t have casual sex or casually talk around or anything, people I’ve done it with I’ve been in long serious relationships with. I have the most embarrassing shit of my boyfriend, he’s not ever going to leak me LOL. I think it’s safe when theres trust and love.
It still isn’t always a safe thing to do, I wouldn’t ever do it casually with someone. If it’s a man, you have to know his views and relationship with his friends too though, and the way he talks about you. Some men like to show off to their friends, but I think as long as you’re observant of all that and know your partner is mature and trustworthy it’ll be ok if it’s what u want to do.
I think it’s fun, I can’t always see him and have sex. Just another little form of intimacy for me.
It is hard to come by a good trustworthy man though.
Never. It's a trend started by the younger generations and I absolutely don't approve of it. I see it as pornification of everyday life. Sending nudes is not a sex act, it's porn
, plain and simple. I'm not interested in doing free porn. I'd run away from anyone who asks for my nudes, I don't want to be objectified like that.
Never a good idea
Asking for trouble
I wouldn't be against them if there was a 1000% foolproof way to make sure no one else EVER saw them ever, but that's simply not the case.
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I do since I’m in an LDR. I didn’t send him any until we met irl. It’s ok, Snapchat is how we do it usually.
I like it, makes me feel validated and wanted by my boyfriend. Sometimes he buys me lingerie and I take pics.
Wouldn’t do it in any other circumstance.
i've posted about my controlling mother-in-law here before, and received some really nice advice. this post may get long, i'm very sorry. but please help me again, anons
so my husband's mom picked a fight with me back in january. it was about something unthinkably stupid; she wanted to visit us, wanted us to show her around, i said i wouldn't be able to take time off of work + covid anyway is a real thing, etc. she got extremely personal about it ("you hate me" was one of the nicer things she said) and i tried to stand my ground and told her she doesn't control me and if half the things that she said about me in that fight were what she actually feels, then it's best for us that we don't try to fake a relationship anymore.
i let my husband know about everything as normally/neutrally as i could at that time, as i was very riled up. he wasn't very happy with everything that happened but he didn't want to bring it up with his mom either. the most he was willing to do was to let the issue lie and no longer ask me to talk to his mother (she used to complain to him in case i ever missed one of our every-other-day phone calls).
since then she hasn't talked to me anymore, when before the fight she used to insist that i call her at least every other day. but now my husband wants to visit his parents, and she's insisting that i come along. so what's happening right now is:
- she's made my husband an inadvertent mediator by going to him instead of coming to me
- she's made it so he now has to pick sides, something he has been avoiding thus far
- she AND the father-in-law have been regularly calling him up and saying a lot of stuff like "let bygones be bygones" "tell your wife she shouldn't hold grudges" "have you ever considered we need you here and things may not be ok" (acc to my husband things are just fine)
- he's tried to tell them he would visit them by himself like four times and all four times it's come down to them yelling at him and telling him to think of his poor old grandmother who just wants to see his wife (wtf even)
it's come to the point that today they called him to ask him when we were both coming to visit them, and when he said he could come visit on his own but i would rather not, they told him to decide once and for all whether i would have a relationship with them for the rest of their life or not, and let him know. he told me that if this is what i want, i should be the one to tell them, instead of involving him.
in my opinion the ones involving him are his parents, and he should stop asking me this. i also feel justified in standing my ground since i haven't heard a single apology to this date from him, his mother, or his father. everything that they see as a mistake i've made is pointed out multiple times to my husband over the phone. everything that i see as a mistake is never specifically addressed, but vagued at like "she should let it go and let bygones be bygones".
all i want to do is maintain my space and self-respect. at this point i'm even beyond expecting decent behavior from my husband's family, including any apology. i'm able to keep my grievances to myself, i try to bury them and move on. BUT today my husband tells me he really hates that i push things so far (i have never before, with his parents). i've let this situation build up needlessly, and it would be easier for everyone else if i was the one who capitulated, apologized and visited.
please help me. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i almost want to tell my husband to divorce me and find a wife who would put up with his parents, if this is what everyone wants. i feel SO disrespected and hurt i can't think straight. i'd appreciate any inputs.
sorry your in laws and husband are retarded.
>she's made my husband an inadvertent mediator by going to him instead of coming to me>she's made it so he now has to pick sides, something he has been avoiding thus far
This is how it should be. Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with his family himself. He knows them and their expectations.
I understand if it hurts your pride but maybe capitulating this time, seeing how things play out and then deciding if you want to divorce or whatnot makes sense. If your husband's family is that awful and he doesn't care enough to understand and support you in the way you need, then plan on leaving. How often have you met in person? Maybe planning to talk in a public space instead of their home or yours will kepp things more neutral.
You know you can't expect anything from his family, but if that's the case and he still wants to have relationship/force you to have one with them then there really is no going past it.
>he told me that if this is what i want, i should be the one to tell them, instead of involving him.
Nope it's his family! This is something he should be communicating to them.
That sucks, make it very clear to him how vital it is that he's supportive or at least not outright negative about the things you want to do. It sounds pretty controlling to be honest, and even if it's not on purpose, it can easily make you feel anxious about making plans and doing fun stuff because you know he's gonna give you shit for it. At least that's how it worked for me in the past, eventually I would avoid making plans because I didn't want the conflict and ended up isolated and miserable.
I can't stress enough how important it is to encourage your SO to do things for themselves that make them happy without letting your own insecurities (because that's most often what it is) get in the way. If your bf can't do that he's a shithead who isn't ready for a mutually respectful and trusting relationship.
I don't want to be one of those people who yell 'dump him' in response to every problem, but is it really a relationship you want to continue if it makes you feel like that?
My current bf is cool with any personal plans I make to the point that I didn't believe it at first because of the contrast. It feels wonderful to just be able to tell him about stuff I'm gonna do without any anxiety, and to have the only response be 'nice, have fun!'. It's a freedom that's easily underestimated until you experience it.
I know I should leave but I don't know how to clear that hurdle in good conscience when he's so good at making me feel guilty. I've even tried professional help but I had a shitty therapist and it was useless.
My time with this guy has been very isolating and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone I know in real life anyway.
There's no singular good way to break up, but if you don't live together maybe try spending longer times apart and cutting down on how frequently you're communicating first? In the end you're going to have to be straightforward about it but I know it's hard, especially if you're being guilttripped.
Don't feel ashamed about opening up about this though! Anyone who hears this will agree that it's unhealthy and who knows, they might have their own experience with socially controlling partners. It's more common than you might think, and the more people that can support you in staying strong and not giving in to him, the better.If you want I could drop a throwaway email or something too.
Sucking it up for the sake of a partner's family is something most people have to deal with to some extent, but>the mother saying "you hate me" just because anon couldn't take time off work to be her tour guide>every-other-day phone calls>emotionally manipulating son to visit by saying something is "not ok" but also saying him coming alone isn't enough>telling son that "wife shouldn't hold grudges" as if he should give her a scolding rather than picking up the phone to speak to her directly
Someone is acting like an overdramatic child here, but it's not anon. Also wtf is a grown woman doing asking to speak to her daughter-in-law every other day? I don't even talk to my best friend that often. She's not a fucking fourteen-year-old who needs constant oversight. The fact anon tolerated that to any extent in the first place is insane. I would be over this needy, invasive bullshit after about a week. Makes me think the husband's family is South Asian or Middle Eastern because frankly I've only ever seen this level of melodramatics from cultures that are hugely (and often toxically) family-centric. I agree with >>177046
and think the husband needs to grow some balls and stand up for her, and if the mother wants to have any positive relationship with anon she can personally apologize for acting like a manic bitch.
Using him as 'a mediator' is perfectly normal. He should be on board with trying to mediate this. It sounds like they're holding an olive branch out to you and seeing as you're the one turning that offer down though..it'll be all too easy for your husband to now see you as the bad guy, the one being 'difficult' You're setting yourself up to have him take the other side.
If they were really the inlaws from hell I don't think they'd be trying so hard to have you come over and visit them. To include you in plans. They'd be glad to have him come over solo and then they'd shittalk you in your absence. I think at this stage you're dragging out a situation that could be resolved and could become civil again. All the quotes from them are about moving on and not holding grudges…that's a positive thing. It shows you can fight with his family and have them still open their arms to you. They have their dick moments but value family above staying mad. Some parents have one bad argument with a DIL and cut them off. They don't sound like terribly unreasonable people tbh. Alot of the things you listed as if they were negative points about them, aren't.
thank you anons for taking the time, you've given me a fair bit to think about. this is very kind and it's great to have both perspectives to think about honestly
a bit more context for >>177078
, i've been married for 2 years and a half (we dated for five years before) and it's been a lot of sucking up and playing nice since then. i'm certain i'm not blameless in the situation, but no daughter-in-law should be hearing stuff like she is hated and she is inconsiderate because she values her job obligations over hosting and showing someone around. not after 2 years of marriage, at least
anyway i'm going to talk to my husband about this. if the situation is turning so rancid for everyone involved, he should be the one stepping in rather than leaving it to me to mend things. i'm not trying to create a bad situation for him but it's possible his family would take this better from him.
thank you anons again for the perspective and support!
The answer depends on many factors which I'm guessing you don't want to make public on here. Your age, history, length and type of your relationship, just for starters. It's a very complicated issue and best I can do is suggest checking Deadbedrooms over at reddit (yeah yeah I know)
But let me tell you one thing, from someone who's been on the other side. If you honestly can't see any possibility of your former attraction blossoming again, if you're not prepared to give it your best shot and making it work years and years forward, then leave. Read the stories from Deadbedrooms, this shit destroys people mentally if it's left ignored over the years.
Im convinced women love to be miserable. Its so funny how many stay in shitty relationships that make them sad enough to rant to strangers on lolcow just to say theyve got a man.
Enjoy your shitty relationship. You deserve your boyfriend
So you've established that he's both misogynistic and can't think for himself. You really want to date a guy like that? Just because in the sea of braindead moids, this one bothers to wash under his arms before he sees you? I don't know how you can speak so highly of him when he's already openly sexist. It's been less than a month and he's revealed that he thinks you're subhuman.
Trust your instincts on this one. Trust your instincts wherever men are concerned, honestly. In times of durress, you and your partner need to share the same values for any hope of survival. You deserve so much better, Anon.
A red flag is a red flag, doesn't matter how many other good things he had going for him. (And yes JP is disgusting.) I guarantee you there are other handsome, friendly men with pets out there who aren't into Mr. Toxic
Masculinity 101. Those few traits you listed are so baseline that it really shows how low quality most men are that they would stand out. I know that sucks, but yeah, you should move on. You're not going to convince a misogynist that he should listen to your (a woman's) opinion.
Yes I did. I guess I was hoping to hear some other opinions and see if there are any upsides to follow through but it has been almost an unanimous 'don't do it'. It's overly optimistic and borderline delusional of me to expect that friend to match me in my growth. I guess I just miss the times we used to share. >>177343
I think you'd be right about them not improving and dragging me back into the same shit. It's hard to move on from such a long history though. >>177367
I think I will listen to the other anons and pass.
I once dated a guy like that, anon. He had his issues, and always seemed like he had one foot out the door.
In a nearly two year period, he broke up with me, twice. Days later rescinding his break up. It was bizarre.
After the first break up, my trust was entirely broken. I’m not sure why I stayed beyond low self esteem. But, I did break up with him in what was our third, and final break up.
With more distance and clarity, having those circular arguments where he wasn’t “sure” of things, or damaging the trust in the relationship wasn’t worth it. At all.
It seemed like either he didn’t know what he wanted, or was too afraid to “be the bad guy”- which, while being dumped is painful, it’s rarely a bad thing.
You’re opening up the door for someone to really love you.
I don’t know wether or not you should break up with your boyfriend, but the crux of the issue seems to be that he doesn’t know either what he wants, or even how to articulate it. You don’t have to wait around for him to figure it out.
Girl just tell him you realized you don't need
him in your life. If he wants to be with you, he can stop playing with your feelings and start acting like an adult. Sometimes it's good to walk away and have space, but only really if it's established that that is what's happening. He ghosted you and expected you to listen better and play nice when he got back cause he thinks you're nothing without him. Not to be that bitch but dump his manipulative ass.
Seriously this >>177440
Stop acting like you have kids and a mortgage with this scrote. Don’t put yourself through shit for no fucking reason.
Sorry if I mess anything up, first post. (I usually just lurk, but I really don't have anyone to ask about this lol.)
My boyfriend has a friend (girl) who he met through a ttrpg discord, and it makes me uncomfortable. I can't tell if it's normal or insane of me to feel weird about it. She sends him messages like all the time, and has admitted to having a crush on him. She'll call him pet names and send flirty emojis/lots of pictures of herself (not sure if he asked)/messages about sex stuff (not sure to what extent). They have watched anime for hours together when I'm not there/asleep (he says because he wants to spend all the time he has with me With Me, which I believe). He says he assumed that girls just act like this as close friends, so has been ok with it. She admitted to the crush knowing that he has a gf, and will ask about me sometimes. I just find the whole thing super weird (I really don't think most people admit to having crushes on monogamous people without some ill intent, especially since she's constantly messaging and spending time with him, which doesn't make it seem like she's trying to get past it). He doesn't, but is willing to quit talking to her if I am seriously bothered, and has offered several times. (If anything WERE going on, i do not think telling him to stop would matter; if he wasn't entertaining it, I wouldn't care what she said, so I have said no.)
I say "not sure to what extent" because I finally asked him to show me their dms. He agreed to, but was scrolling really fast through all of it. I asked to see specifically the part where she admitted to having a crush on him, and he only showed me the single message in the search results. He says he's embarrassed about the way he talks around her, which I understand and want to respect (everyone talks differently around some people). At the time, it made me feel better, but I'm already anxious about it again. I don't want to look just for the reason that I don't trust him, because I really want to. I FEEL like i do. He's truly wonderful, takes care of me, I believe that he loves me more than anything. I have looked at his stuff before out of fear, and don't want to do it again. I feel like I trust him, and want to rely on that feeling, because relationships are built from that. We've been dating 3 years and live together pretty much; it feels ridiculous that I feel so anxious about it… but I do. It feels like my gut is trying to tell me that I'm wrong. It's not like this stuff doesn't happen when people have been together this long, live together, seem to be solid together, etc. etc. I just don't know what's right to feel. I feel cucked and disrespected just because she's doing it, and even if I believe that he wouldn't play along with her and jeopardize what we have, I don't know what boundaries he's drawing, and can't tell if he will when things go too far. I can't tell him to stop talking to her either way (if theyre just friends that's insane, if they're not it'll keep happening somewhere I definitely can't see). I want to love and trust him, be good to him, but I don't want to be a fucking cuck because I'm trying to be Cool Girl Gf. Help
First of all, you are not insane! This is seriously unsettling and in your position, I would feel just as anxious and uncomfortable and unsure. I think it's a huge red flag that he agreed to show you their DMs but then chickened out halfway (by scrolling fast, not showing his response to her confession, etc).
YMMV of course, but after just one year of dating, my partner and I had already moved well beyond being "embarrassed" by anything. Some things are harder to admit to than others, but if there's nothing going on, then why should he feel ashamed? More than anything, he needs to be completely honest with you.
I'm sorry Anon but it sounds like he's cheating. While it's normal to have female friends, usually said friend is not so brazen in her affections. And taken men certainly don't spend time with them alone, for hours, having what boils down to the Discord e-dating version of "Netflix and chill."
>I can't tell him to stop talking to her either way (if theyre just friends that's insane, if they're not it'll keep happening somewhere I definitely can't see).
You're right that if he's cheating, he'll just continue to do it behind your back. But what do you mean you can't tell him to stop? You said earlier in your post that he's already offered multiple times.
Uh, anon, you're waaaaay too patient and understanding, and I think you already know you shouldn't. It's disrespectful to you for your boyfriend to continue to entertain such behavior from his female friend. If he cut it short the second she confessed - not even in a sense of cutting contact with her but asking her to respect his relationship and you by not being flirty and getting over this crush, it would be maybe acceptable (I'd still be insecure, but can see how that would show good intentions on his part); he clearly lets her be flirty, talk about inappropriate things, send her photos etc, which is in my opinion definitely crossing healthy boundaries. Even if he has no intention to physically cheat on you and he's only stroking his ego in this way, it's disrespectful. The fact he spends time with her only when you're not there also may come of as a nice gesture to fully devote his time to you when you're together, but think about it - normally a partner would want to introduce their friends and spend time together if nothing is up, right? Maybe not always but sometimes. Did he ever suggest you play some games or watch shows with him and that woman?
At this point I think I'd take him up on that offer to completely cut ties with her or at least have him clearly communicate to her that her behavior is unnaceptable and cannot continue, with you having an insight into at least this specific conversation; and then see how things go from that point on. With a clear set boundaries it will be much easier for you to tell whether he is honest with you and ready to choose you over her or not.
Anon this is super sketchy and you are definitely not wrong for feeling anxious and uncomfortable about it! That they are constantly talking, watching anime together, that she flirts and talks about sex and that he won't show you the messages in there entirety because he's "embarrassed about the way he talks around her" are all big red flags.
If your boyfriend respects your relationship he should have stopped this as soon as it started, it's not cool to let someone who's admitted to having a crush on you just continually flirt and call you pet names when you're in a relationship. If you care about your relationship you would set a boundary with that person and not let them disrespect your partner in that way. That he didn't do that says to me he is entertaining her and likes the attention at the very least if he's not outright cheating. And I think you have every right to have an issue with that and ask him not to speak to her anymore, as he has offered.
>>177588>But what do you mean you can't tell him to stop? You said earlier in your post that he's already offered multiple times.
If she's only acting weird and he isn't really entertaining it, it feels controlling to tell him to ditch the friendship, and I'm not interested in doing that. If he's cheating, I'd rather it be something that I could stumble upon, so I can leave before any real damage is done. I can't control his actions either way, so I'd rather not make the relationship harder by controlling who he can be friends with if things are really ok.
I'm not sure if I should consider continuing to talk to her without drawing any clear boundaries "entertaining it"… and I don't want to violate his privacy to scour for any wrongdoing on his part! I want to trust him! But I'm scared, and it's so weird seeming that it's hard to not be worried about it.
Ultimately it's your choice, I hope you find some comfort in seeing we all agree here that your worries are valid
. Don't be afraid to look out for yourself when you feel uncomfortable, but of course don't do anything against yourself just because imageboard tells you so. Good luck either way!
I really appreciate this (and all the other responses, I really needed some insight here because I am mindbroken from being online in schizoid male spaces/can't view this outside of the context of the relationship very well). Thank you anons>>177608
This is a fair enough point lol.
Your significant other is not supposed to bully you, ever! You're not weird for wanting preferential treatment from him or expecting him to be kind to you. Yet another red flag is that he's trying to shift the blame onto you. That interaction sounds like he's saying, "hurting you is an integral part of my personality. If you loved me, you wouldn't try to change me." And that's really fucked up. Best case scenario, you two are just incompatible and would have a more harmonious dynamic with other people. Worst case, he's a little bitch boy who thinks negging you is fun and he will only grow more abusive
with time. Either way, your best option is to dump him and move on. You deserve to feel uplifted and supported by your partner, not shamed for the basic request that he treat you kindly.
You've basically been told by your boyfriend "I know my behaviour hurts you and I have no intention of changing that", time to find a better bf.
Not to mention that> this is who I naturally am
is just a bullshit reason to justify not having to change his behaviour. He has complete control over what he chooses to speak, it doesn't ~~naturally~~ roll out of his mouth beyond his control.
i can give you perspective from the other side; i used to be the 'brutally honest' person in our relationship and end up hurting my boyfriend because of it. i _also_ instinctively thought "this is naturally who/how i am" but once my boyfriend brought it to my attention how hurtful and bitchy this behavior could be, i knew the choice was between being a funny asshole who hurts her partner, or toning it down because it's a crap thing to do in the first place.
this was ages ago and since then i've naturally learned being an adult means tact and patience will always be superior to any definition of unfiltered honesty.
to sum it up, brutal honesty is not a great thing to boast of in the first place, and in the second place not being vile to your partner isn't that difficult. you're not in the wrong. if your boyfriend refuses to see this, he doesn't care for you the way you deserve.
My dear anon, I was in your position a while back and at the time I would put off the inevitable and obvious needed line of action because I dreaded the difficulty, and how my ex would react- like yours, he would suffocate me and constantly remind me of how terrible life would be if I left, he would threaten to off himself and he was physically and emotionally abusive
towards me for the seven months I tolerated it.
You know something, anon? That fucker is out there, but he's alive and well and he's been outed now for supporting his rapist friends and enabling abusive
behaviours, and him phoning me trying to convince me to stay and throwing EVERY guilt trip scenario in my face just for me to coldly shoot it down and tell him tough shit? Most enlightening experience. I glowed the fuck up, lost weight and had a much healthier life since I cut him off- this massive weight on my conscience that made my mental health worse. You don't see yourself with this guy and he sounds parasitic- you are not the asshole for being honest and do not let him tell you otherwise.
I say this as someone who had to give it a few goes before I managed because I'd get scared he would actually hurt me or himself if I did but you need to rip the bandaid off.
I recommend letting a few trusted close ones in your life know before you break up, make sure you can stay somewhere with them if you feel he's so intense he'll try to convince you, cut him off if you need to right now. You are in control of this break up, and therefore no matter how difficult this feels in your head, it's going to feel like a breeze once you're out. You're going to glow and you can focus on yourself and look after yourself. You owe yourself that and you don't need this guy draining you when he can barely comprehend your feelings or listen to you as the cherry on top of the massive cake of reasons why you're going to feel a million times better once it's done.
I wish you all the luck, you've got this.
He said I'm too dependent on him and we had some recurring problems, and he got paranoid that I'd get vengeful which I would never, but he is always paranoid about people in this way, I just thought I was excluded because he should know I would never try to fuck up his life even if he left me. I do have abandonment issues and had problems with him wanting to leave a call with no explanation or not calling me without him telling me he won't. But he doesn't like explaining himself and I think it became too pressurizing for him. But I've been alone for a while and I realized that it's not the end of the world if I'm not in a call with him for 8 hours every day and I think I can handle this better now and give him more space in general. >>178182
I understand that is how he deals with problems and it happened in the past. It just never happened for this long and he never said he might leave me before this. I don't really want to ask him because I just want things to improve and not cause a conflict because he has a tendency to feel questioned or like he doesn't want to feel like he owes me an explanation. But tbh I talked so much about this with friends that I no longer feel the need to discuss it with him if he is going to stay anyway. I'm just interested if it looks like he wants to stay, because I deal with problems really differently than him so maybe someone here understands it more, like you said distancing yourself helps you - I'm not like that, though in this case it did help me as well, even if it wouldn't have been my preferred way to handle things.
He is pretty rigid about some things and I don't think those things will ever really change, but I want to be with him regardless of them because overall I'm happy with him. A lot of things about him aren't easy to deal with in a relationship. He is open to talking about things sometimes, but usually I initiate it. This is one of the few times I feel better just not dealing with it because I just want things to improve and I know he usually doesn't do well with talking about problems. And before I usually really wanted to discuss something so I risked it becoming a conflict, but now I feel better to not really talk about this because I don't feel like I'm suppressing something.>>178189
In the beginning of our relationship he used to put me on pretty long time outs, the longest was like a week but it's not like it never happened. He stopped doing that eventually, though he said a few times that he needs more time alone, and I always said sure just asked him to tell me beforehand, but he didn't like that because he didn't want to explain himself. But then he just always called me anyway. The only difference between those times and this was that with the time outs I knew he'd come back, this time I wasn't sure because he was talking about possibly leaving.
Judging from what you're describing, he seems to be the avoidant personality type. You need to be very careful around those people because their attachment style is wildly different than most people's. Especially if you have abandonment issues anon. By the looks of it, he's also a bit emotionally immature, maybe not knowing how to properly work with his attachment style with others or how to properly teach you his live language. With him feeling pressured when giving explanations, it's a recurring trait in avoidant people, but he needs to realise that some things must be explained on his end, so you two can communicate effectively. You're willing to give him space but he also needs to inform you whenever he needs downtime, it's always a give and take motion, and if he isn't really down to give you anything to work with you will suffer a lot. You don't want to be stuck sweeping things under the rug just to avoid potential conflict. Maybe now you feel comfortable, but in the future, will you be able to put in all that emotional labour? I strongly advise looking into people with avoidant personality and see how well your boyfriend matches the description, you know him better than we do.
Would a man not talk to his dream girl for 2 weeks and make her suffer? Would a man complain that his dream girl is too dependent on him? You are just a warm body to give him sex and female attention, he doesn't care about you as a person.>>178192
This. Basically he's a pathetic excuse for a man who will avoid every single issue instead of being direct and putting in effort to make the both of you happy. The type of men who just should just women alone and jerk off alone in their basements.
Okay, thats a good point, hes probably embarassed too.
I’m also worried about the other coworker we shared a cab with and if he had any suspicions, i have no idea if i handled it “elegantly” or if it was obvious since i was extremely drunk.
But just deny it right? There isnt really any “evidence” besides that, and he cant know for sure if i did go back to his place (i think)
Anons, how difficult it was for you to go no-contact with one of your parents? (in this case, specifically with father)
A friend of mine got a shitty father that left their family 10 years ago for the other woman, and the way he acts towards his previous marriage kids is very abusive and questionable.
He always invites them to come over, talk and stuff like that, just to end up targeting one of them as a mental torture. He would always find something bad in anything, and he would make sure to tell you that. But not in a grumpy way, more of a 'smug asshole' way.
He cares about them, he really does, but it's always only them being a target of his toxicity. He would not be ashamed to talk shit about one of them and their job or life choices, which makes them uncomfortable as hell.
And I just thought… Maybe I could try telling my friend to try going no-contact with him&
The sad part is that if this friend will start venting and talking about the way she feels towards it, it is clearly obvious that he will accept it, but then he will start targeting the other child to the max.
I just feel bad for this friend and I personally went no-contact with my mother for two years now, without any dramas or anything. I just stopped talking to her at all. Yep, it drives my mother crazy but i do not care and never lured myself into her traps which she tried to make in order to reach out to me again.
If that helps, he acts nice towards his other marriages kid and buys him anything (By that, I mean anything. This kid got 4 gaming pcs and 2 VRs, including the super expensive valve one.), and his wife is a nice woman, but she is also very strict and it's obvious how a person would feel about the other marriages kids.
I do not know, it's a difficult situation, especially because the father always invites the whole family (not previous wife ofc LOL) on hang-outs, xmas and stuff like that.
I have a crush on my boyfriends best friend and I don't know what to do.
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. Things started out great but slowly things have declined over the years. We've been in a dead bedroom situation for 4 years. All of this is mostly due to his bad mental health and a lack of mental health resources where he lives. I know he struggles a lot so I'm patient and help as much as I can, but the lack of intimacy really gets to me. For the past year, he's also been getting more irritable and it's tiring to walk on egg shells around him. Don't get me wrong, we have fun together and there's a lot I love about him, but overall, this relationship weighs on me a lot.
I've known his best friend for awhile but never got to hang out with him much until the past few months. He's great, we have a lot in common, he makes me laugh, etc. I find myself thinking about him constantly and daydreaming about dating him. I don't know if he feels the same way about me, but he does lean on me for support when he's upset, wants us to learn to cook together, wants to go on fun road trips and adventures, etc. He makes me feel desired and really happy again.
His best friend and I are moving in together soon to save money on rent since we're both broke and can't find other roommates, and this is where my complicated feelings come into play. I can't help but wonder what it'd be like with someone else, now that I've met someone who makes me feel excited again. I miss being intimate, wanted, and needed. I know nothing will come of this. Neither of us (assuming he felt the same way) would want to hurt my boyfriend, and somehow the fact that it'll never happen hurts.
How do I deal with these feelings? I feel like it's eating me up inside.
Why are you moving in with the best friend guy not your boyfriend? Is this an LDR situation?
This said, 4 years out of 6 of a dead bedroom would be enough for anyone to get out of a relationship. You have every right to want to feel desired and courted, and it's only natural you'd look to the next closest person to fulfill these needs. Instead focusing on your little crush though you should really think through these feelings and whether you really want to keep your relationship going - if you just ignore your problems or 'blame' them on said crush, you'll inevitably end up doing something you'll regret and that will really hurt your bf. Maybe it will be better for you both if you consider breaking up. I'd definitely not tempt the fate by moving in with the friend though, sounds like disaster in the making.
My boyfriend is actually really happy that we're moving in together, because he plans to also move in with us at a later time and he's excited for all of us to live together under one roof.
I guess I am kind of holding on because I don't have many other friends and no family and I'm scared to lose him, since he's been such a constant in my life for years. I also worry about him a lot. I know it'd be devastating to him if we broke up and he doesn't really have any support either. In some ways, I think our relationship is a little co-dependent.>>178306
Sorry if I didn't explain things well enough. Yeah, we are in a LDR at the moment. I would never cheat on my boyfriend since I've been cheated on in the past and know what it's like. My feelings about his best friend have just brought all my negative feelings about my relationship to the surface and it's depressing and confusing.
We actually did have an open relationship for awhile but I never found anyone I was interested in. We eventually closed it because I thought it'd be better to focus on our relationship, even though he didn't really think it was necessary. I don't think he'd be okay with me dating someone so close to him though, as he sees him like a brother.
He most definitely knows about our issues. We've argued about it countless times over the years and have tried time and time again to find solutions and compromises. I eventually just gave up pursuing him and trying to find solutions because I got rejected so much and it was destroying my self-esteem.>>178310
Thanks, maybe you're right about the sunk-cost fallacy and it's just hard for me to admit.
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>>178302>>178305>It sounds like you're staying with him more because of familiarity and putting him first
Different anon but I was in a similar situation, and took it as a sign that I needed to move on and stop hanging onto my relationship before it got worse. If anything this could be a time for you to really look at yourself and try to build your self esteem (I realized mine was so low because I sacrificed so much and stayed with what was familiar, to the detriment of my mental and physical health. I felt trapped but then realized I had to start doing things for myself to break my co-dependency). Also, if you move in with that best friend, your feelings will only get STRONGER. So you have to start taking some action now to make positive changes in your life, because if you try to act like nothing is eating you up inside, it's going to come out in unhealthy and self destructive ways. If you have to move in with him, keep minimal contact and really try to focus on taking care of yourself and doing things that will make you feel happy outside of a relationship. Part of the feelings you have now is in response to the unhappiness that you have in your current situation, so getting fulfillment outside of that (and more time to heal) will subdue the internal pain and wanting that you feel right now.>>178315>Even if it is a bit lonely, it feels good to get out of a bad relationship.
Here, here! It will get better! Your peace of mind is everything!
my 21) boyfriend of 2 years (25) was always vocally anti-porn, brought up hating porn to me before i ever talked about it when we met. i thought he was perfect. i bragged about having a porn-free boyfriend and felt truly grateful knowing his desire for me was free of anything pornified and fetishistic, i never felt used or unwanted.
found terabytes of porn on his computer on accident a few days ago while staying over at his house. i couldn't sleep and he was in bed. i started shaking and couldn't breathe. i took pictures of some of it with my phone, looked at his recently opened files folder, and found out he was watching porn on our 2 year anniversary (which he did not remember), watched porn before picking me up that day, watched porn when he said he was busy working, etc.
he woke up and came downstairs and found me shaking in the dark, asking me what was wrong. i put his hand on my heart so he could feel how hard it was pounding, because i couldn't speak. i started trembling more and almost collapsing. i told him i found his porn. he played dumb and told me he doesn't watch porn, that any files i might've found are old. i told him i looked at his recent downloads and recently opened files, but he told me that "computers are flawed." i said, repeatedly "i am not stupid," and made him swear multiple times he was telling the truth, incuding making him swear on his dead grandmother's grave.
i chose to believe him, with a sinking feeling still in my chest. went home, still felt like something wasn't quite right. i looked at the pics i took of his files, googled the titles of the porno he downloaded, and found out they were all recent uploads and could not have possibly been downloaded years ago. i confronted him and he came clean, saying he's a porn addict who tries to quit every so often but always ends up watching it again because it's "the novelty of it, always new things," and "it's a kaleidoscope of visual stimulation, like a dopaminergic drug."
of course, i feel like i will never be enough. he has been swearing up and down that the only reason he lied to me was to save me from getting my feelings hurt, that feeling me shake was enough to make him want to truly quit forever. i've spoken to him endlessly throughout the relationship about how much i hate porn, how i have friends in the industry who are mentally ill and sexually traumatized and addicted to drugs, how it reminds me of my own sexual traumas, how it hurts women, how it even hurts the men addicted to it. he always agreed and listened. he insists he is actually going to quit for real this time, but i'm so afraid because i know he's probably told himself this hundreds of times, if not every time he's jacked off. i feel so useless, he consciously chose hundreds of other women over me, specifically because he wanted to fuck them, and not me. maddening. i can't imagine wanting anyone but him but it's socially acceptable for him to want to fuck every woman in sight, or at least a meticulously curated smorgasbord of random porn stars he thinks are hot.
i hate it. he's perfect in every other way. he had never lied to me about something else, and we've never had any other issues. he wrote a note on a piece of paper and taped it to his mirror saying why he's quitting porn, listing off that it's anti-woman, contributes to proliferation of misogyny, and unfaithful. but man, i just needed to vent. i can't/won't tell any of my friends so here i am. inb4 "dump him" i won't because i truly love him and he's been nothing but wonderful outside of this.
like wtf, step sister porn, stepmom porn, super young women, japanese pantyhose fetish porn, james deen porn (he's been confirmed to be a rapist and over a dozen women have come forward saying he raped them on set and off set), threesome porn…telling me good night and he loves me right before he goes to jerk off to a rapist for a quick rush.
i hate this. i hate how men portray porn as "just fantasy," as if its detached from real women or their girlfriends. the women on screen are real, and there's a conscious decision to choose them each time. fml had to vent.
so sorry anon, i wish i could hold your hand
probably not what you want to hear, but from personal experience - they'll tell you they're going to quit, but either they won't actually do it, or they'll slip up, sooner or later they get back to it. once a porn-watcher always a porn-watcher. just something to think about
but i really hope you feel better. if it makes any difference, it's not you it's entirely him. he's lucky to have you and knows it, which might be why he lied in the first place in some misguided attempt to keep you for longer
If he's gone so far as to refer to himself as porn addict then it would be naive to trust him to just drop the habit now. That's two years where he's lied to you consistently about something that obviously is a big deal to you.
I'm personally okay with bfs watching small amounts because I doubt any man who claims to be totally porn free. But if you are staunchly against it and he's lied this hard and this long.. You've every right to feel devastated or to consider the trust lost here.
Rapist James Deen loves to get pretty rough and disrespectful in nearly all his scenes too btw. Even when he returned to filming scenes post rape and domestic abuse revelations.. His stuff is overwhelmingly violent.
he would go months without watching it apparently, but slip into the habit again and rationalize it with "she doesn't know, so it's not hurting her," failing to remember that porn is harmful to others, not just me, and just because i'm not aware doesn't make it magically fine. what TRULY bothers me, at the core, is the dishonesty, though..
and like >>179119
wondered, he did say he lied specifically to save me from more pain and had a plan to delete everything once he felt my heart pounding and saw me crying, saying that this woke him up to the weight of his actions. maybe i really am naive but i do believe in his ability to quit for good, he just has to not fall into a hole of rationalization and thinking "ok, just this once, just one more time." because it's never just "one more time."
he was only watching it twice a day max, going days between watching usually, but he still considers that an addiction (as do i) because the compulsion to watch more kept popping back up, even if it wasn't 10 times a day like some guys.
i must seem pretty pathetic to some people here but thank you both for just reading this and making me feel heard.
I'm sorry anon, we understand your feelings and we're sending you love. Maybe both of you, but specially him on his own, can reach to a sex therapist or psychologist. It seems he needs professional help because he clearly can't do it on his own. Same routes go to same places, you know?
Porn is an addiction and should be treated as any other one. He should look into other resources he hasn't tried (and HE should do it, you can be his support, ofc, but let him prove to you, by being serious and autonomous that he wants to change)
He spent your 2nd year anniversary jerking it to porn instead of spending a wonderful day with the person he claims to love. He constantly chooses to lie to you and abuse your trust. Even if you love him he clearly does not love you. You can bury your head in the sand all you want, but you'll never feel truly loved knowing that you've settled for a man who chose porn over you.
You feel this awful because you know with every atom of your being that he is NOT meant for you. Please stop trying to fool yourself, he doesn't appreciate you being a martyr for him and it will not make him love you.
i know it sounds like hot air but he does love me, the lying is the worst thing he's ever done and there's nothing else he's had a reason to lie about. i feel incredibly accepted by him and his family, he goes out of his way to help me emotionally and financially, and he's kind-hearted in a way no other man i've met has been. he stopped watching porn around the time we met, apparently, but would struggle every few months with a relapse. porn is awful, but i do recognize that it's a deeply-ingrained addiction. i know he does love me, but that doesn't make what he's done any better. ;_; i know it sounds dumb but it's so much easier to say "dump him he doesnt love you" than to be the one in the relationship and actually be on the receiving end of his treatment, which has been nothing but good until now. and now he is genuinely repentant and being extremely open, coming clean about everything, and talking to me about overarching issues and what he must do. he deleted all his porn and has been sick with guilt for days
thanks to everyone though, he started attending therapy pretty recently so i hope he will mention this issue and the therapist will try to help him along the way instead of enabling the pornsickness.
Everyone is flawed in one way or another, and those flaws will create hurdles in romantic relationships. I think that it sounds like you’re secure in your relationship and compared to most other posts here, this isn’t so bad. “Dump him” is an appropriate response to issues such as abuse, neglect, cheating, etc. Lying isn’t okay, and you rightly feel your trust has been broken, but that can be repaired if he’s willing to truly work on it.
I hope you two can work through this and there are happier days ahead for both of you.
i dont necessarily recommend this, it really is "black magic," but it could show you if he really doesnt gaf about you.
but a good way to get a man to realize he's messing up is to start mentioning a male friend a lot more, complimenting him to your bf's face. your bf is insecure about his lack of creativity? his looks? his personality? compliment those things when you're talking about your male friend to him. every guy ive been with had a pretty obvious jealous reaction and would get pissed off after a certain point, and i never once called these guys hot either. i spoke of them in the way i speak about female friends and would show off their social media pics, just them fixing guitars or whatever. my ex ended up having nightmares that i left him for a musician friend bc my ex lacked musical talents.
another thing to do is talk about other couples, point out how your girl friend went on a lovely picnic date with her bf, say "i wish we did things like that, oh well, things are fine as is right?…" without being too obvious. it's kind of dependent on tone. just don't be too obvious or scathing.
Oh anon, I'm really sorry to hear that, it sounds like your ex was a right dolt and drove you mad and you deserve so much better. I probably didn't provide enough context but he's been the most loving and incredible partner for the year we've been together, it's just recently he shut down a bit when lots happened at once and I've wanted to get through to him. He definitely doesn't make excuses and his heart is in the right place, I've just been upset recently and wanting to get through to him without me being an autist and being too full on, either,>>179235
I know he's definitely gotten a little jealous before of my male friend so actually……
And maybe just the latter because it's been a couple weeks since we did anything like that and he might miss that.
>>179118>i hate this. i hate how men portray porn as "just fantasy," as if its detached from real women or their girlfriends. the women on screen are real, and there's a conscious decision to choose them each time. fml had to vent.
Fuck anon, I feel this. I don't understand how men have this disconnect about it when they are in a relationship with another human being. It really is a sickness.>>179127
You're not pathetic about it. The problem is too many of us go through this and have to deal with it like it supposed to be fucking normal when it's not. Your bf seems like he's taking the steps to really deal with his addiction, but please start thinking about your boundaries and when enough will be enough in your relationship (because with addicts they will take and take as much as they can get away with).
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If someone in a long term relationship was to go from never talking about their SO on social media to posting a bunch of sappy stories and going on lots of vacations in a short amount of time would that be a sign that their relationship is in trouble?
Hey, I really feel for your situation. I just want to say, from my experience with addicts of all kind including porn, that being dramatically guilty is often a part of the cycle that drives them back. It's self - serving and self - pitying, and keeps them from making positive changes. Just keep an eye out in case this goes on too long.
Also, this is the sort of betrayal that might take years to heal and he needs to respect that. He's fundamentally misrepresented himself and his values to you. I suggest you get yourself some therapy too
I am 25 unfortunately, and we’ve known each other for about 5 years now. I shouldn’t have let it go this long, and yeah he has nudes and stuff of me, I’m ashamed of it.
I’m just so stunted in lots of ways.
I feel like he might do something crazy, like yeah release my photos, or worse, maybe send something to my house or spy on me or spy through my computer.
He’s also vaguely threatened suicide on one occasion when I told him I wanted to leave the relationship.
Well, you can't really do anything after your nudes are out in strange hands, which is why it's widely discouraged and should be beaten into every girl's head. What else can you do? Be with him until death? If he does release shit, of course it'll be very unpleasant, but he'll also be risking all of its legal consequences which might hold him back. I assume you live far apart if he's an online bf, so I don't get how he'd be spying on your house.
Is he some ethical hacker by profession or something? Even then, if you're really worried you should just save all your stuff on a harddrive and reinstall your system, or ask for technical help from someone technically inclined, or a computer shop/repair service, as this is no way to live staying with a scrote just because of a chance he might
And ignore suicide baiting, that's a very common loser man tactic to keep you from leaving him, it's just emotional manipulation.
Are you just comfortable by his weird companionship since otherwise you have no friends or family? Pull yourself up by your panties, anon. It's time to be an adult. So what if he releases your nudes? Own up to it, threaten legal action, maybe even tell his mom on him lol. If he threatens suicide, tell him you'll call an ambulance. Threaten him if he starts to be crazy. Maybe take this as an opportunity to move and not tell him.
You're a capable woman. Dumping him shouldn't be an excuse-ridden endeavor.
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Girl… yes, he needs therapy. Needs as in, you do not suggest but make it an ultimatum for the continuation of the relationship, especially when it's free for him. People don't need to completely have their shit together before getting in a relationship but they should be actively working on any major issues, otherwise they just want someone who'll put up with their shit rather than someone they can actually care about and grow with. If his problems have already caused a bunch of problems and he hasn't taken steps to fix himself that already tells you he's not on your level mentally, but if you're interested in the relationship possibly working out then go ahead and request he take action. Otherwise there's no point in staying with this guy.
Setting boundaries is way harder than it seems, especially when you are caught up in the moment and tend to forget all the little mistakes.
What worked for me was to be very aware of my own limits, and firmly but calmly share it with people. I will sound like a stupid self-development guru but in the end, what matter here are your own comfort. So, let's assume a friend said something insensitive :
You communicate it. "Hey X, I wanted to share with you something I interpreted probably the wrong way. I care about you and our friendship, so I prefer to be honest, but when you say xxx, it made me feel xxxx. I'm not making any reproaches here, rather trying to find a ground where both of us can be comfortable !"
There is no easy way to tell someone they hurt you in some ways since 90% of people tend to get defensive when they feel like they are being confronted, but it's also a great test to see if you are compatible in your relationships. If you feel like you can't express when you were hurt or where your boundaries where overstepped, you need to put some distance and consider if you really like their company or you just want to avoid conflict.
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Me and my boyfriend have been bickering a lot since he started working at McDonald's. Like he hates it and I get it. I can't wait until he quits. We had a good while without any arguments. Just being a regular happy couple but the job at McDonald's is fucking up our relationship. He gets irritable and says rude things and then I get irritable. I keep telling him to work more on coding and he gets annoyed with me for nagging at him but I want him to be happy and pick up a job he likes. I really want to move in together one day but lately I keep asking myself if we should break up. It's making me really upset like all of the time..I just don't know. He's a coomer for sure,bit of a manchild I mean he loves his animated babes and has little motivation but I love him so much. I'm like 18 and he's my first Boyfriend it's been almost a year. I can't leave him now and I don't want to. I just hope things get better when he quits his job.
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This is a good way to see how he handles stressful circumstances in the future. Why would you want to move in with someone who lets their sour mood ruin yours as well? Consider that if you're living together, and maybe one day he gets another stressful job, there is much less opportunity to walk away from that negative energy. You are far too young to feel like a nag. I recently got out of a relationship of a year and a half, and my ex-boyfriend was the same way: online computer science college student with a job as a gas station that was so miserable it started to negatively impact our relationship. I didn't feel like I could do it either, but I did, and even though it was hard for a few months, I don't regret it for a second. At this age, if a guy is struggling, he absolutely will bring you down with him. It's not worth it.
Well she probably a xenophobe/nationalist. Very common in some neighbouring countries (Japan/China/Korea, Morocco/Algeria, India/Pakistan..) on both sides, they have bloody history and deep seated hatred for one another is ingraned from a young age.
You're not going to fix it in your GF, it's irationnal, deeply rooted and she needs to really work on detaching herself from part of her upbringing to get over it. It's possible, but that's not your call to make. So you just have to suck it up or decide if going out with a prejudiced woman is worth it.
It is hard to understand. I have Algerian origins and I am always a bit baffled at the irrational hatred they have for Moroccans they use to justify the war for the Sahara, without seeing the real underlining political benefits. They only see it from a nationalistic lense.
It makes me a bit sad, knowing how my country and its neighbours (in Western Europe) all managed to get over their bloody history to make the EU. All the previous wars are in the past and people will at you like you are crazy if you bring old stuff up to blame current Germans for example. But alas we are in a world where past wars and crimes are being brought up more and more to foster nationalism, hostility and hatred… Especially common in countries that are experiencing internal economic difficulties, to rally everyone against a common ennemy.
As other anons said..he's your first so you're learning a tough lesson here about how some partners will come home from a bad day and gladly drag you down with them. You take the brunt of their moods and they somehow just feel entitled to do that. If they're stressed or unhapy the whole household has to be unhappy in unison.
I've been there and ffs life is stressful for us all, it often just gets more stressful as you progress in a career. The kind of guys I've known who act like that frustratingly don't change with age or through talking it out a thousand times. They're are a misery to live with or to try and lift up. The job isn't the issue here.
If he's been quite maybe there's something happened that worries him!Do you know the reason he's quite?
On the other hand, maybe he's just asshole.
the problem is is that many koreans think that japan hasn’t done enough to apologise and atone for their actions in world war two and before. although they have offered some compensation to the korean government for the comfort women for example they haven’t said a clear apology admitting responsibility. and their education system tends to gloss over their actions during world war two. and not to mention some japanese celebrities and politicians have been seen honoring war criminals at certain war memorials etc.
it sucks but also japanese people can’t help being japanese and certain prominent figures like miyazaki and murakami have been vocal in their criticism of the japanese government.
i can understand why this would be a sensitive topic for her but i think it’s unreasonable to just shut down any conversation about japan that i bring up. korea has its own problems and when it suits her she likes to pretend that she’s more of a global citizen without ties to korea but when it comes to japan she becomes very militantly nationalist. i guess in the end i’m just concerned for her because i don’t think it’s normal or healthy for her to be this upset. i brought this up with her and she basically told me that if she tells me she doesn’t want to talk about something or the conversation isn’t enjoyable for her than i should drop it. which i guess is fine .. i’ll try to respect her feelings in that regard. but i also think at some point she needs to get over herself. it can’t be good to just avoid talking about this. but i don’t think she’ll listen to my feelings about this because i think she’s already decided that i can’t understand her (and she basically told me as much) so if any change is going to happen she’s going to have to hear it from a korean person.
I don't think that's the case but thanks for the input>>179904>>179843
I said (calmly and reasonably) that I was happy and hoping to be hyped up and he told me he couldn't tell the tone of the message and didn't want to say the wrong thing. eh. he's not the best with social cues but he at least hyped me up after that and called me last night
I've been in a similar situation and have watched this play out with depressed friends. Often they're pulling back and waiting for you to stabilise before they can hit you with the imminent break up. They want to leave without the threat of it sending you.
If you have to keep nudging someone to respond to messages about your depression or to hype you up and provide support .. They're already one foot out the door.
Yep my ex suggested this too and it spiralled into all kind of degenerate pornsick shit. Oral rape, coercion, pressure to film porn, do acts I wasn't comfortable with and sissy shit. He got pretty pornsick and couldn't last/cum in bed, he'd go soft if I tried to touch myself. Told me he had to imagine a porn actress with his previous girlfriend when sleeping with her.
Don't let your relationship get like that. I don't say dump him but you can very strongly tell him you're not gonna do degenerate shit and that it's a huge turn off for you. Shame the fuck out of him. Tell him it makes you really turned off, dry and that's it's a loser behaviour. That you're not gonna fuck someone with barely working dick which is always what porn consumption eventually leads to. Don't be soft like me and curb this behaviour in its start or it's only gonna spiral.
It comes across as pretty disrespectful that he'd already know what your feelings are on porn and yet he still asks you for that in spite of that. If he has that knowledge already then surely he knows he's essentially trying to coerce you into a sexual situation you wouldn't ever want. I've been there before (not porn but asking for a sex act I clearly said I'm not into) and it's a red flag I wouldn't ignore again. If you voice that you hate a certain sexual thing it's time for men to just stop requesting it.
It's also a strange convo to have over a call rather than waiting to have it in person. Then the detail that you're only months into dating..Just imagine how much these requests will escalate if you stay.
If her reaction to Japanese stuff is so off-putting to you, it's a bit perplexing that you'd keep trying talking to her about it after the first or second time.
The advice you're looking for should be obvious, or am I not reading between the lines here?
It’s okay for everyone to have bad days, but if he takes it out on you
then it’s a no-go. Put him in time-out, tell him flat out right after a jerk comment that “that’s really mean” or “please don’t hurt my feelings with your bad mood” This is not good, healthy behavior and he needs to curb it.
Tell him that you’re there to support him and listen to his feelings but once he insults or bites, you’re not having it.
Someone who actually cares for you wouldnt ignore you when you said that.
Would you act like him? My guess is no so stop excusing his behavior and confront him. My boyfriend would never act like this.
You've done all you can then. You can't convince her to take you back, that's completely on her whether or not she wants to take the risk of being with you again (because to her, you are a risk)
Leave her be, tell her everything you've changed and that it's all up to her because it really is, don't pressure her to respond to you because silence is also an answer if she really feels uncomfortable with you.
You're right but I just can't help it. She has a new boyfriend and they have been together 1.5 months. I don't want to say more details on that but it seems like there isn't any sort of love between them and I think she is upset that I never gave her what I promised (marriage and children). I thought that when I promised those things and she said she wanted them she meant immediately. I should have set up strict timetables with dates in my head for when both of those things would have happened.
It hurts a lot and I think she slightly hinted that she wishes I came back before she started this new relationship but I don't know. I really hurt her. I told her that I support her and will not try to drive a wedge in their relationship but that I am here and have changed and hope to just be here and talk to her so I can rebuild some sort of stable foundation of trust and friendship.>>180631
Right, I think it may be the axe forgetting and the tree not doing the same. I have been open that I am here if she ever thinks about doing so again. I think she has given me slight hints but I also do not want to jump back in. Well, I do want a relationship again obviously but I need to form it on a proper stable structure. There would be leaps of faith she would just have to take (living with me again, etc.) that I know would be daunting for her. I know that saying "I'll be here in case you want me" is quite sad but I cannot expect any thing further. We have been hanging out a lot again and talking for hours on end, and I have been trying to show the gains I have made but I cannot expect her to trust me.
I'm really kind of an oaf and she knows that, I don't know if she can ever trust me again. She said some things that hinted forgiveness and forward progress may be possible so at this point I am just happy to have her in my life again. I can really only move forward properly but sometimes I fear I just did too much. As you can imagine it was a really intense relationship. We are hanging out again tonight. I know I sound like a deadbeat scumbag but I'm not that bad. I just made some massive mistakes and clearly had some serious character flaws. At this point anything that happens is my own fault so.
Jesus I got scared this was my ex for a moment and it literally could've been save for the timeline. Just goes to show how all abusive
scrotes are the same. It's such a shame men only want to get better once they've already lost the woman they supposedly "love." Maybe if you had listened to her one of the first hundred times she asked for your support you could have salvaged things. As someone in your girlfriend's position, it's as >>180630
said: You may want her, but at this point she's done trying with you. The only thing you can do now is continue to be a better human so no other women have to serve as collateral damage on your path to enlightment.
Despite the blunt words, as far as men go, I give you some credit for being one of the few to realize how badly you fucked up rather than continuing on in self indulgent ignorance. I hope you will continue to evolve into a better person. Be respectful of your ex and all women moving forward. Don't judge her for wanting to explore relationships with people who aren't shitty to her from the start. Give her space and continue working on yourself. Maybe, maybe she could be willing to give you another chance after she's had time to heal and breathe the free air, but in the meantime you need to continue working on yourself. Give her space and let her come to you, or else leave her be if she doesn't.
Have you spoken with your boyfriend about this and asked him to be more verbally supportive? I know when you have low self esteem other people can't exactly convince you otherwise and it can feel like they're lying (especially after having to ask for compliments), but some scrotes really are just clueless and assume you know they think you're attractive because they're with you. And you may not believe him immediately, but over time it does help to hear it from the person you're with.
Otherwise, I would try to really focus on being in the moment during sex. If one of you being blindfolded helps, try that. (Maybe him so you aren't being looked at?) Or you could do it in the dark so you're fully focused on the feeling. Hone in on some part of his body or sensation you like, talk to him in the moment, whatever you need to do to distract yourself from fixating on what you look like. Again, the more open you can be with him about your struggle, the easier it will be to try new things since he can help you with the process.
He’s stringing you along. Sorry nonny
. “It’s a fake gf” is the stupidest shit in the world and if you continue to make excuses for it then obviously you are too. Cut him off.
He sounds like a kid. Why do you want to be with him? He's obviously not above playing mind games and fucking with you. Cut him off, who needs a man child like that that doesn't know how to grow up? He's 24 and does this shit?
I'm 24 and if a guy my age acted like that, we would ostracise him because he sounds dumb and creepy (for talking to literal teenagers, we give each other shit for talking to 20 years olds even).
Let me tell you something as someone who has dodged groomers - Older men who talk to much younger girls are mentally in the same space as the youngest they talk to. They are peter pan and will never grow up, and guess what happens to men who don't grow up? They act like dumb assholes and treat everyone like shit while having an inflated ego. Run and don't look back
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You’re doing great Nonny
, we are all rooting for you. Give it a few months and you’ll be kicking yourself that you didn’t do it sooner. That’s how I felt when I broke up with my bum ex.
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Congrats! I don’t have much advice except maybe make 100% sure you’d be safe and have a place to go if he won’t respect your decision and leave you be. Update us.
My boyfriend and I decided to bring toys into the bedroom, one of them being a dildo for me. I feel guilty that I'm secretly happy my boyfriend doesn't want a fleshlight in return. We discussed it and he said he didn't want a fleshlight because he didn't like how they tend to be marketed and he felt like it was a crossed line in terms of the fact that he didn't want to see it as an option when he masturbates (I stay over at his place every weekend, so we both masturbate when we're not with each other). He's okay with me using a dildo, though, and I made sure we picked it out together because well, even if it's weird, that's what I'd prefer if he were to get a fleshlight (though he isn't getting one). Part of the reason he said he's okay with me using a dildo is because he wants me to feel pleasure when I give him oral (I am easily stimulated by piv, can cum from that alone). He often gets guilty over that when I give him oral, even though I tell him it's okay and that I love pleasing him.
Anyway I feel terrible because I kept on asking if he wanted a fleshlight, even though he'd said no , only for the sake of equality. In reality, it would make me a little insecure and I'd have to get over it and that's why I'm ashamed. I made myself seem way more into him getting a fleshlight than I was because I don't want to sound like a weak ass bitch with jealousy issues and I guess looking back, I shouldn't have pushed him at all since he made it clear didn't want a fleshlight. I wish I were more understanding like him.
Idk if any of you anons could comment, even if it's just to say I'm a terrible gf, thanks.
How are you a terrible gf for pretending to be less insecure than you are about a fleshlight he doesn't even want despite your repeated offers? Even if your boyfriend was desperate for one you'd be under no obligation to invite one into your sex life just because he doesn't get jealous over dildos.
Fleshlights are unsexy inceloid toys for coomers anyway and there is no need to get so worked up over something so trivial.
I don't think you are terrible, I can understand the logic of you getting a toy so he gets a toy, just some scote toys are eh.
not sure how open you both are but id suggest lovense toys like lush and hush, you can both control them from far away and its fun to do that to one another.
but I think toys are better to enhance something than be the focal point
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Do you think my bf is into anorectal violence based on this?
We were hanging, chilling and talking when he asked what I thought about anal, i said disgusting and could die without EVER having tried it and he agreed… but then i was like really? because then why would you ask? (personally i wouldn't bring up anything i wasn't interested in so this is weird to me) and he answered that he wanted to tell me it was gross, and he was kinda defensive like, you really think I want to try anal? that's where poop comes out of……… as if that isn't my reasoning and as if people that are into anal aren't aware of that but don't care nonetheless. He also said there was a reason he hadn't tried it with his ex already and i said that it could easily be just because she didn't want it just like i don't want it either…….. Can anal become an obsession that makes men cheat? like, seek it out elsewhere. I'm tempted to just try it so he can stop being curious but this is also a fairly new relationship, i rather break up so he finds a more sexually compatible person? because dammit i really love him, but not enough to share EVERY part of my body. am i overreacting?
When I'm in a new relationship I like to pretend I'm more open minded in the beginning… Just so I can get honest answers about any potential fetishes or heavy porn habits. Guys do often lie if they think they'll be judged. I wouldn't rush to then worrying about cheating though. Next time try to get ahead and ask the guy first. Sound non judgemental as you ask. Then you can state its not for you.
I don't mean this in a bad way but if you think you should just do anal for his sake (even though you hate the idea) You don't sound ready for a sexual relationship. It's messed up that your mind went there. Especially as it's a new relationship too.. Its not healthy to be bending your own sexual boundaries for a guy but it's especially alarming given that this could work out to be some short term thing anyway.
If you regret a sex act that regret can haunt you way longer than most relationships last. I did stuff at 19 that still bothers me at 32.
be an obsession that leads to cheating especially if he’s a huge coomer. Usually, more “sensible”” scrotes hold off cheating if the cons outweigh the pros too much. So if he doesn’t feel very committed and invested in your relationship then yeah poopdick accessibility can be a factor weighted in the decision to cheat.
For what it's worth I have been in a relationship with someone who openly expressed to other men he didn't
want to discuss women in that way and didn't watch porn (to my knowledge - we spent 99% of our time together and I had access to all his tech). Unfortunately he was shitty in other ways, but supposedly there are some out there who manage to check all the boxes. I've given up trying to find one myself but I genuinely hope you beat the odds.
ayrt and you may be right, he often boasts about how conservative he is and how conservatism is the new counter-culture. He def likes deviating from the crowd, thinks it makes him special or at least gives me that impression. But it just rubbed me off the wrong way because he brought it up first, like, as far as i know MOST women dislike anal, so there's no logical explanation to ask "in case" i like it so i don't get any false hopes up. Granted I don't initiate sexual talk often, so maybe this is why. He also could've asked to gauge what kind of woman i am based on my answer? I feel like he would be the type to do that.>>181536
nta but I know my boyfriend switched his phone to a flip phone after I told him watching porn while in a relationship is cheating. Do you think this is a good approach or is it better to have the temptation there and working on not giving in anyways? He said he could keep a smartphone and install blockers etc but he's tech-savvy. When I think about it, it's disappointing he KNOWS he'd get a way around it despite knowing how i feel.
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Welp. I've been married for almost three years now. A few months ago my marriage sort of came to a head.
Before I got married, I made it VERY clear that I am not okay with porn. At all. If those were not terms he was able to agree to, he could of told me and ended things then and there. He assured me he had no problem not watching porn. He always stays up late and acts secretive, but when I would bring up any worry or concern, I was immediately gas lit and told I was insecure and "always assumed the worst in him."
Come to find out, he had been watching porn the entire time, lying to me for the entirety of our relationship and marriage.
I don't want a divorce. It would leave my life in shambles. I have been trying to get him to go to marriage counseling, which he is ok with, but it's not "possible" with his work schedule. He downloaded some porn blocking accountability program on his phone and computer, but I don't have much faith in that kind of thing and think he could easily go around it.
I live everyday in pain, sadness, paranoia, and frustration. He says he regrets what he's done, but I just don't feel like trust can be rebuilt.
Everytime I bring it up to anyone I get one of two responses, "Just leave him," or "porn isn't such a big deal." I'm tired of hearing it, I want to know if anyone has been through this and has real, honest advice.
>>181809>I have been trying to get him to go to marriage counseling, which he is ok with, but it's not "possible" with his work schedule
I'd push for this. He surely doesn't work 24/7, even if you don't fully mean it give him an ultimatum - he has to find time for counseling until, idk, summer or you will divorce him. Be very firm on this, and I hope it works out. For starters it doesn't even have to be a whole ass weekly therapy, just few counseling sessions to see whats up and see how things can be adjusted to fit your both shedules.
This said, this is why I'll never marry, I'd never have the guts to go through the stress of divorce if it was necessary; good luck to you anon thouh and I really hope it doesn't come to this.
ntayrt but I am >>181526
and your post gave me a good kek. just to follow up: most of the instathots the guy I was talking about here >>181502
are suicide girls. I just recently discovered that the name comes from a Chuck Palahniuk book where a suicide hotline operator masturbates to the sound of young women calling in and crying. it's even more disgusting than I had originally thought. suicide girls and anyone who wanks to them are degenerate trash and there is no cure for their pornsickness.
>>181809>I get one of two responses, "Just leave him," or "porn isn't such a big deal."
I know it's not what you want to hear, but in the end those are your options anon. You either have the resolve to stick to your standards and get rid of a man who disrespected and lied to you for the entirety of your relationship, or you quietly accept that he just doesn't care about you more than watching strangers fuck on the internet. Yeah, ideally he will quit porn and get counseling. If he's willing to follow >>181820
suggestion and actually improve then perhaps the marriage can be saved. But it's entirely on him at this point. You have to watch if he improves, and if not, acknowledge that you can't force him to be a better person. Your reactions are the only ones you have control over. Countless women have felt their lives would be left in "shambles" over leaving men, and often it is very difficult both emotionally and logistically. But ask yourself if the temporary inconvenience is really more distressing than spending the rest of your life settling, tied to a man who is daily eroding your self esteem and integrity because he values his limp dick more than your peace of mind. I have known women who have walked away from men with pennies to their name, children in their care, no legal home or belongings, friends lost due to siding with the asshole, and they still did it because they knew they deserved better. You'll have to make the same choice sooner or later.
>>181809>It would leave my life in shambles.
You're capable enough to leave him but you won't, and he's calling your bluff, knowing that you won't divorce him so why would he try
to go to marriage counseling? There're no consequences for this– he obviously doesn't care that he hurt you since he purposefully gaslit you too, and the only reason he's upset is because you found out. Are you waiting until he does something even worse? He lied to you for THREE YEARS, anon, over what? Porn? Fucking stupid as fuck.
My life was similarly destroyed after my last breakup four years ago (financially, emotionally, socially, etc) but it was repaired and now I'm happy as a bee. Don't wait for a a grown man to change especially since he "regrets" it (and you know he's only regretting cause you found out, not cause it was wrong that he hurt you).
It sounds like you’re craving the type of intimacy that only comes with being together for a longer period of time. It’s a lot harder to jokingly “bully” in newer relationships since you don’t want to offend the other person. I think you should let your relationship naturally develop with time.>>181879
I think that would be really nice anon. Perhaps you should ask them before you give it; “I’d really love to draw you and Muffin as a gift, is that okay?”
I agree with >>181891
. Don't rush things, enjoy the tentative early stages because they only last a short while before you settle into whatever becomes your long-term norm. You can bring it up with her once you've been together for some time (I'd say 6+ months). Also, know that she can probably accommodate you but it should be up to her to decide in what ways and to what extent. For example, she might feel uncomfortable calling you a "dumb bitch" but wouldn't mind lightly mocking you about other things.
When you say he was staying up late, was he basically opting out of the chance of sex happening with you..to go off with his laptop instead. As in was it a dead bedroom or was he picking porn over actual sex with you on an ongoing basis? If that's the case then that adds insult to an already shitty situation. If it was a dead bedroom that lead to the porn I could see how relationship therapy might help, but you don't mention an already db in your post.
Him talking about work getting in the way of therapy reminds me of how men who cheat often do the same thing, they say sorry and agree to therapy and then mess the wife around when it's time to actually book the date. This is his shit to own now, he needs to be sorting these appointments. If he's not or if he's leaving that to you that's not a great sign of commitment to change. Make it clear to him he needs to get on that. It is not your job to now drag him to it when you're the injured party here.
I recently got back together with my ex girlfriend. Our break up was a terrible mess, and we hadn’t spoken to each other in two and a half years. She reached out to me a few months ago and we’ve been going on dates since. But, while we were broken up she was dating another girl. I’ve known this girl for years, and we’ve always really disliked each other. They broke up after being together for a year, but remained close friends. I really thought I didn’t care about their relationship/friendship, but lately I’ve been feeling jealous.
While I’ve been hanging out with my girlfriend and her friends, her ex makes it clear that she dislikes me (rolling her eyes while I speak, refusing to sit near me etc). She also goes out of her way to kiss (on the cheek) my girlfriend and constantly touch her which makes me really uncomfortable. I tried mentioning it to my girlfriend, who defends their friendship by saying that all of her friends kiss her on the cheek (they never seem to do it while I’m around) and that the girl was constantly there for her while she was heartbroken (due to our breakup) so they became very close, while also adding that she’s also just “naturally affectionate”. Regardless, I feel weirded out. Whenever my girlfriend tells they’re hanging out together (without other friends), I genuinely feel sick inside.
Am I overthinking this? I don’t want to be this annoying, jealous girl but it’s obvious her ex still has feelings for her. I get they’re mates, but hanging out with someone who clearly doesn’t like me also upsets me. We’re all teenagers btw, which maybe explains the pettiness/messiness.
An important thing to remember here is that people tend to misplace anger in these situations and then the partner doesn't get held accountable. Your gf is the one who owes you respect and consideration more than her friend does. It's her job to either help you two get along or (maybe more realistic at this stage) to not make you two coexist if it's just going to be full of bitchy vibes, stress and disrespect for boundaries.
It does sound a bit cucky and like she plays women and doesn't regard your feelings. There's an ego boost when two women are fighting over you and you don't have to address it because they're too busy hating each other to actually start hating you.
She has supposedly reprimanded her, telling her to back off/not be so affectionate. so now I deal with her constantly glaring at me or icing me out of conversations, which isn’t much better. I feel like my ex probably didn’t talk to her properly, so neither of them think it’s a serious issue.>>181959
Yeah I have a feeling that she’s kind of enjoying it. When I first told her that I was uncomfortable, she did laugh but quickly composed herself. I would rather not hang out with her friends but she’s instant on us all being mates. She never hangs out with my friends though?
The other girls in her group have noticed and go out of their way to be friendly towards me; if they have noticed then it must be obvious. while we were together (before our breakup) I was a bit insecure, which upset her so I guess i’m trying to be different now? This is my first proper relationship (she’s the only person i’ve been with) and we’ve applied to the same universities, so i’m kind of hesitant to dump her. I don’t want to end up at the same uni as her and her friends. Starting to think getting back with her was a mistake.
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can any of you anons please help me think of a way to politely articulate to my boyfriend that I'm feeling taken for granted and underappreciated? I'm going to have to text it to him because I know I'll cry and come off as hysterical if I say it on the phone or in person
are right simultaneously
and if his response to your message is anything other than accepting it and willing to support you then I agree with >>181969
Anon, you should be asking yourself why are you like this? Why do you stay with someone who causes you so much pain, paranoia and fear? Someone who decides to hurt you when he only thinks of himself and his 'pleasure'.
If he won't try to stop or fix it and it causes you this much pain and he is aware of that then you aren't right together. There is a guy out there who would listen to you and not intentionally hurt you so stop wasting your time on this idiot.
Did you see >>181809
? Not to diss that anon, but if you don't want that to be you in a few years with a bunch of stuff making it even harder to leave, get rid of this sack of shit now. You are choosing to accept something you know you hate for the sake of… what? Not being alone? It's not worth it. The constant stress and pain will outweight whatever positives he brings. Make friends, focus on yourself and maintain your standards when engaging with men.
Not really. In addition to all the things you noted there's also the fact that most scrotes just absolutely suck at sex in the first place. So you may be horny but ultimately you'd just get blue ovary-ied anyway. Unless you only fuck them if they get you to orgasm through oral or you're really good at getting yourself off during sex.
But if you really must - STDs: have the man wear a condom, don't put your mouth on his bare dick. Kidnap/murder: tell a friend or relative where you're going and who you're going to be with. Don't have more than one drink and make sure you saw it being made. When you fuck, do it at your own place. Get as many details from him as you can before you bang and confirm them online. Where does he work and live, what is his full name? Shouldn't be difficult to get within the first week or two of knowing him. Be prepared for the dude to bounce after he bangs you once; if you're truly just looking for hook ups, that should be ideal for you too and not matter. The ones that stick around usually develop feelings despite them always thinking it's the women who want more, so have a finger ready on the block button once they get too needy.
I mostly agree with you nonnie
, but about taking the guy to your place, that sounds like a bad idea. I once had a guy I’d been on one
date with show up to my house drunk and looking to “hang out” at like 2am. Staying over at the guy’s place might be dangerous, but I think it’s way worse to have random tinder guys knowing where you live (especially if you live alone). You really can’t win imo, casual hookups with men are just not worth it for women. Maybe if you’re bi and want to sleep with women it can be okay, but most guys want hookups because they want a bigger body count. They don’t care about getting you off or making the experience mutually enjoyable. The risks heavily outweigh any positives.
Dump her as soon as possible, she's abusing your trust
Anyway you don't have to see each other when you're studying at the same university
Yeah he told me he can't fix the distrust that his has caused. Understandably. It's a little devastating to read that he's gonna work on his intimacy issues now but not with me.
Just makes me feel like my issues were too big for him.
Kek seriously anon? Of course scrotes are desperate. They're willing to pay for drinks and dinners on the off chance of sex or even to just spend time with a woman, but you think they wouldn't also be willing to cough up a similar amount of cash (in fact an average 3-star hotel is likely going to be even cheaper than a restaurant) when the sex is basically guaranteed? Heck there are love hotels specifically for hook ups in Japan, no reason why you couldn't use them for the same purpose elsewhere (and people certainly do). Not a bad suggestion by >>182287
to avoid the dangers present by doing it at either person's home. If a man wasn't willing to pay for a hotel to bang just about any woman then I'd say he's a massive outlier. Scrotes literally do not care what a woman looks like if they're getting their dicks wet.
What do you mean, hotel employees spying or some random scrote being in agreement with hotel staff to breach privacy rules and allow him to set up a camera in a room he will later pretend to be booking? I feel like both of these scenarios are even less likely than being murdered.
In general everything in life comes with a risk. You can't guarantee a 100% certified safe hookup same as you cant guarantee an, I don't know, 100% certified safe relaxing day at home because the building can go into flames or there can be a gas leak or you can slip on bathroom floor and break your leg. But being overly paranoid about everything is not going to make life easier.
samefagging but I hate to break it to you nonnie
, human trafficking and child porn frequently takes place in hotel rooms, so give your head a shake if you think degenerate scrotes give a fuck about the rules
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Oh my god anon, I'm so sorry that this happenned to you. I think you should definitely confront him about it.>i feel so disgusting inside.
please don't say that about yourself, you were never the one who did something bad here and you couldn't guessed it. This is all wrong, he should be the one who's ashamed. I'm wishing you the best for the futur!
I’d not even mention the Twitter stuff to him, just break up. I dealt with something similar before (I saw something totally insane he wrote in a group chat with his friends, basically fetishizing me to a ridiculous degree) and when I brought it up, he said “it was a joke and I was taking it too seriously” and all the usual shit. He’ll either make up some lie about it being his twin brother’s account or he was just kidding around and you’re being too serious. Just not worth the aggravation. The dming other women is reason enough to break up, even if he owns up to it and promises to change, you already know how he really thinks. Wish you the best, nonnie
Fuck's sake. I'm sorry anon, his behavior is disgusting. I totally agree with >>182533
because when a scrote does something this blatantly repulsive and disrespectful within the relationship you don't owe him shit. He knows it's fucked. He knows and doesn't care, and you shouldn't have to put up with any of that. Don't give him the chance to try and worm his way out of it and make excuses. Frankly, there's no excusing what he did/is doing so there's no point in discussing it. He's a cheater, a racist and a degenerate. Follow your gut and just get away from him. If you end up needing to go back to get more of your stuff, just give him a time to expect you and let him know you'll be bringing people with you so he doesn't feel emboldened to blame his own inadequacy on you. He has no respect for you, trash that he is, but shame will likely keep him in check when others are present. You might want to screenshot a few things you found as well, in case you have any joint friends and need to defend yourself before he tries to cover his tracks.
Take the easiest way out. Eat the fee, move out and stay away from him. You're right that you should pay as some sort of karma for being an ass
The other option is to have him pay half, which is not happening. Just pay and go instead of dragging this out
Yeah I don't want to drag the process or make it any worse.>>182640
I appreciate your kindness and consideration that the infidelity is a symptom of a deep problem.
He does have the option to take over the lease. I asked him if his plan was to live as roommates for the remainder and of course he doesn't want to. He just keeps phrasing it as 'I'm breaking the lease'.
Part of me wants to pay it just so he won't hate me more but also I'm trying to do the whole 'not be codependent' and be only concerned with my problems now.
I would tell him if he wants to take over the lease then he absolutely pays the rest on his own because you won't freaking be there. Tell him you'll discuss it with the landlord if he has any doubts about that, because I'm almost certain they'll side with you. Shit sucks all around for both of you, he doesn't get to make himself out to be the long-suffering victim
when he made the big boy decision to sign a legal document saying he is responsible for payments. He's being petulant and selfish.
Was in a similar situation. I had a relationship end because of my actions (not cheating but being way too much lashing out at him when angry) I took over the full amount of the lease for its remainder and I didn't fight him, yeah I felt somewhat bitter about the sudden expense but honestly the breakup was on me so I look back and I'm glad I didn't fight him over finances and further cement myself as an asshole. There's value in walking away with some dignity and not doubling down on hurting and fighting an ex.
I now see circumstances like that as just taking accountability for the consequences of your own actions. It's unfair to already damage someones trust, hurt them emotionally and then land them with the bill for the fallout you just caused.
agreed, best to cut your losses and pay the fee to save yourself the extra trouble, since you're the one who wants out of the lease. No idea why the unsaged >>182669
thinks it's an opinion that deserves death(minimod)
I don't think it's codependant for you to cover the expense, I see it as quite the opposite. You're taking responsibility for the knock on effect of your own choice.
The way I see it, paying that enables you move on with cleaner hands, less to feel bad for. You broke his trust but at least you didn't add insult to injury by making him quite literally pay for your mistake. It's mature and the right thing to do imo.
It makes morally most sense for you to pay for it because you're the one who wants to move out.
Now if you just want get out with as little as financial damage as possible, especially after you've already financially supported him, do it. I'm all for trying to get as much as possible out of a broken relationship but it's not the route that will save you energy, face or dignity.
So in my eyes it's pretty simple. Want to move out as quickly and smoothly as possible without creating even more bad blood? Pay for it fully. Don't really care and don't mind going through trouble to save as much money as possible? Make him pay for it if you contractually can. It's your choice what you value most.
Just remember that you had a routine before him. You lived and survived your whole life without him existing and you can do it again.
State that you're breaking up with him. Give him a short explanation if you want to– but don't feel that you're obligated to explain yourself. Hold your ground, do not let him negotiate. Then leave.
How is he using me ? I love him but just as a friend ( I'm in a long term relationship and he knows this). He doesn't ask me for nudes or anything like that. So it makes me wonder why he would want to keep my friendship. >>182819
Pls read my above statement. But what you said makes sense.
In an LDR of one month. We've known each other for a year as online friends and have had that slow burn intimacy ramp up at the start of this year. The honeymoon phase went strong until this week when I noticed him distancing and doling less affection. I asked him about it calmly, not expecting much. Turns out his feelings were more complicated than that.
The three long blocks of texts from him explaining himself and phone call later on ensured a lot of talking. The biggest issues were 1) him being overwhelmed balancing the time needed for our relationship and IRL priorities, which he struggled to get ahold of after dealing with an Internet addiction; 2) his waning intimacy/attraction to me after cybersex (he's ace. I'm not and was very cautious trying video sex out because of that. He enthusiastically gave consent and said he enjoyed the encounter without anxiety more than expected afterwards); 3) his anxieties that our relationship had moved too fast and the uncertainty for the future.
I was surprised that he didn't want to break up despite all this. He said that he couldn't give a definitive answer to that in his mental state. To him the core of "our dynamic" hadn't changed. I interpreted that as him being unsure of whether he was committed to the LDR and me and decided to give him space for a week with barebones texting, which is one of the things he wanted. This was to give him time to recover, see if he still missed me in a romantic sense beyond companionship, and give myself time to process the worst case scenario.
However, a day later, reflection provided a new angle. With the things he had said and me knowing that his closed-off personality, isn't it more likely that he's majorly depressed instead of a straightforward hot-and-cold? I don't want to drop the diagnosis without the degree, but the things he's said and his past behaviors match the symptoms. I'm also depressed myself so I'm kicking myself for letting my ego overwhelm my wisdom in that moment. If that's the case then I don't think the week-long break is a good idea because that encourages further distance. We should talk things out again.
But forgoing waiting and breaking the quasi-silence in the first place would disrespect our current boundaries. Maybe he does need the time alone. Today he just sent me Soko's first album without context and seenzoned the ambient album I sent back. I'd want my partner to reach out in this scenario but he's the "I can handle my problems alone", Batman-esque type. Pls help, farmers. I want to support my boyfriend and not create emotional dependence on either end. How?
Have to agree here >>182881
. You're 0% sexually compatible. Imo sexual compability is such a fundamental part of a good and healthy relationship that you can't compromise on it, at the very least not to the extent that you're literal opposites.
You're only one month in, LDR, he's ace you're not, he has mental health issues, there's nothing of value here for you.
>>182881>>182884>LDR, he's ace you're not, he has mental health issues
These are open to compromise and aren't dealbreakers to me. Harder to navigate all three at once, sure, but workable. I don't mind the nature of an LDR. We're in different countries close to each other. I can take care of my sexual needs on my own since my drive isn't high, and before this talk he wasn't sex adverse. Asexuality is another spectrum. Even before this relationship I was cynical about media placing sex on a pedestal. As mentioned earlier I have long term depression and am seeking help for it. Am stable now. I've experienced its lowest lows and wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone dump a partner who was open about their suffering in a candid yet vulnerable manner. I can support him through that without dependency or losing myself.>only one month in
Would be easier to cut the potential pain ahead now with a logical mindset while there's minimal emotional investment. I get that. I didn't come here asking for breakup advice though. I want him and to try staying together if he's willing. Easier lovers in our own countries are out there for both of us. Easy is nice. Being with him is nice and other spectacular adjectives. Outside of those issues our chemistry, bond, and communication is great. He isn't a scrote and has other virtues I could extol. There are drawbacks but I disagree in regards to the relationship being valueless.
>>182880>Even before this relationship I was cynical about media placing sex on a pedestal
Based on what? Have you had a normal in-person relationship where sexual intimacy was prioritized and are now happier without it?
>isn't it more likely that he's majorly depressed instead of a straightforward hot-and-cold?
It doesn’t matter, either instance results in his emotional unavailability. He is clearly unprepared for a relationship. You can dump him now or let him slowly freeze you out of his own accord, your choice. You say you want to “support him” in the case of depression but that just means being willing to lend an ear or say nice things when he’s down. Ultimately that fight is one he has to face himself if he ever wants to get better, as you well know. Is he in therapy? On medication? Anything?
>Being with him is nice and other spectacular adjectives.
You live in different countries and he’s asexual. You are not “with him.” What was the point of transitioning to a supposed romantic relationship with him when there’s no difference between it and the friendship you already had aside from added stress and uncomfortable cybersex?
>>182968>Have you had a normal in-person relationship where sexual intimacy was prioritized and are now happier without it?
Yes. Wouldn't say I'm happier without it, more neutral—sexual intimacy's a bonus like extra toppings. I was ace without labelling it until a sexual assault prior to my last relationship. I believe that romantic intimacy is not confined to sexualized actions.>You say you want to “support him” in the case of depression but that just means being willing to lend an ear or say nice things when he’s down.
Having friends and a partner around just for that helped me immensely. If he refuses to seek help and support himself, then I'd call it quits because that alone can't help, yeah. He hasn't said outright that he's depressed beyond citing "mental issues" so I think he hasn't fully embraced that truth or possibility. He's still in the questioning and struggling to help himself alone phase. Thus no therapy or medication yet. This is new to him. I'll bring this up when we talk again. That's part of my support. I'd be willing to help him look for a therapist and adjust to his needs.>What was the point of transitioning to a supposed romantic relationship with him when there’s no difference between it and the friendship you already had aside from added stress and uncomfortable cybersex?
Wanting to meet each other and see if our pheromones meshed enough to share a potential future. COVID is the only factor holding us back from meeting to gauge this. Our desired lifestyles and hobbies are niche and miraculously in sync. I'm an oddball in that if I feel that rare, strong connection with someone, I'm willing to put in the work to help myself and be patient while waiting if they do the same. I'd understand if our relationship is just a burden and added stressor to him which he can't deal with while recovering. We're too new a couple to be in love. Breaking up now would hurt less than being in 2+ year relationship. But he isn't a burden to me. I've been reigning in my depression so that it doesn't affect others.>You are not “with him.”
We're in an LDR…that's "with him" enough for me.
No offense nonnie
, but you seem very young and immature. You don’t seem to be understanding the points from the other anons, and your responses are stubborn and unwilling to recognize that such a short relationship shouldn’t have such major issues this early on. The picture I’m getting is that you’re head over heels for this guy while he’s basically told you he’s not that interested in you, but he wants to keep you around because you’re probably a great listener and he can unload his problems on you. I think you should cut your losses and remove this dude from your life, you don’t sound ready for a relationship at all. A big part of any relationship succeeding is when both parties know what they want; anyone who gives you mixed messages and isn’t sure about wanting to be with you is bound to lead to a dysfunctional dynamic. Going into a relationship looking to “help” the other person out of their depression is never a good start either.
I agree with >>183016
- it would be really uncomfortable if you saw the girl together but then found out from someone else, like one of her friends being all "Oh did you know your gf made out with her?" Instead, she didn't want there to be any secrets between you even if it never came up. A partner taking the initiative to be open and forthcoming starts off in my good graces since I've known so many people who stay silent when it comes to discussing important information or just outright lying. Transparency is a virtue. And don't worry about the other girl, I know it's a tired phrase but looks really aren't everything. When you're attracted to someone's character, they gain a glow that overwhelms mere physical beauty in others, even if someone else is more "mainstream" attractive. It seems like your girlfriend is feeling that warmth towards you.
He doesn't even have any social media or an up to date phone to download apps so he's never used twitter. He's also never been overweight. I think i'll just have a chat with him about it, I just needed to know if I was objectifying him or not before I talked about it with him. I was second guessing myself.
I think it may be him 'joking' i don't usually get them cause he seems so serious.
Reposting from stupid questions thread
Why is it that the people who are always into me, aren't 100% my type?
Like, there's this girl who has always liked me, and she's cute, she's an afro latina and I find her hot. She has always been very romantic towards me and affectionate. Her personality can be weird but she treats me like I'm her treasure.
But then there's this other person, who I consider "my first love", the first person I fell in love with. He ticked all my boxes, he aroused and attracted me greatly, and honestly we had a pretty good time. But he's emotionally unavailable and immature, and doesn't know what he wants.
Honestly, why the fuck does this happen to me? Can't my brain just amicable settle for the best option (the girl)? I still have lingering feelings for the dude, and I wish everything went back to how it was before. What is wrong with me?
I don't think anyone is 100% perfectly anyone's type. It seems that ~true love~ is just accepting and adoring someone regardless of whether they meet everything on the checklist.
That sounds cheesy, but true of all the long-lasting relationships I've seen. And I've loved people who are not "my type" so often that only 1-2 traits define it now kek.
Also, give yourself a break to get over this dude. It's always taken me ~a year to get over big feelings completely, so if you're a sentimental bitch like me you also just need the time.
>>183221>do you have to be 10/10 for men to approach and ask you out irl?
I'm not sure why you'd think this, but the exact opposite is true. Many men are too intimidated by very attractive women to approach them at all, much less ask them out. Because of this they often only get the most brazen dipshits who feel they have nothing to lose talking to them and "negging" them in an attempt to manipulative them into the low self esteem they usually already have. Average women are approached far more often because guys think they'll actually have a chance. You can make the leap in logic: Being approached more isn't any blessing but usually only indicates a scrote thinking "yeah, she'll do" rather than being really into you. This is only in reference to strangers approaching you though. If you know someone casually then the most you can do is strike up conversation with them and show an interest in them/their activities. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't blind when it comes to picking up signals of interest. If you've made an effort to speak to a man, get to know him, give him a few more personal compliments, then trust me, he understands he has an opening when it comes to asking you out. If they want to, they will. Don't waste time pining after a guy who doesn't have the proper amount of maturity, drive and balls to take the initiative.
idk but i think you probably have to be at least a 5/10 kek.
t. a 4/10 living a very peaceful yet lonely unapproached life
These sorts of things happen with people who have untreated mental issues. I remember many an occassion where I would organize really fun nights, taking my former partner to nice restaurants and cool events, but he'd just be totally zoned out (I'd check with him beforehand to see if he was in a good mindset and he'd say yes). I would stay as upbeat as I could and he would sometimes apologize afterwards for ruining the mood, but the fact was that yeah, things that should've been really fun were dragged down by the dark depressive miasma emanating from him. I might sound callous talking about it in retrospect but I was always very supportive and optimistic yet willing to discuss anything serious he was going through. Didn't make a difference. Your partner is the only one who can fix these things for himself. People who have these issues need to be actively working on themselves if they want a relationship because they drag people down unless they do otherwise. Believe me, I understand anxiety and depression but it's selfish to expect someone else to frequently put up with your bullshit if you can't even be bothered to work on yourself.
So is he doing anything to address his problem? If not, are you willing to accept the fact there will be many more events like this where you put all your effort into giving him a good time but he still won't be able to appreciate it? (The answer to that should be "no.") If he is working to improve and you want to stay with him, then you need to develop a thick skin and accept that he will have moments like this and during those times you should go out with other friends or on your own instead. Your life shouldn't be put on pause because he's having a bad night, but he also needs to be more upfront about when he's not in a good place rather than saying he is then being a downer. Develop better boundaries and don't put up with a wishy washy attitude. "Hey so I'm expecting you at 5 tonight, if you don't give me confirmation you're coming at that time I'm going to the movies with so-and-so instead," or whatever else you'd prefer to do.
I’m not really sure where to post this so I guess this would be the best place. I’m in desperate need of help.
My boyfriend constantly accuses me of cheating on him, which I would never do, have never done, nor have I given him any real reason to think I would do so. I don’t have any close guy friends, I can’t drive, I don’t even have many close friends in general. This has been going on for over a year now (we’ve been together for 3+) and I’ve completely isolated myself from social media, deleted so many randoms because he was suspicious, at one point we were working together and I had to avoid all conversation with other guy coworkers because it would put him in a sour mood all day.
I know this is a lot but stay with me here. All of these instances HAVE been of my own volition because during arguments I would get so tired and driven crazy that deleting someone I don’t care about that much to prove myself was better than going in circles arguing with my s/o.
I’ve done everything I can possibly think of to appease his mind but no matter what explanation I give him, he thinks of some other way I could get around him and sneak. He went as far as looking up how snapchat works when blocking people, apparently they won’t show up in any of your history if you just continue to block them after; he thinks I do those sorts of things to lie and sneak past him.
He’s gone through my phone and found nothing. I’ve refused to go through his but I guarantee to all of you that he’s not cheating on me. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so tired and on edge all the time. There’s a lot more I could tell and I do understand I’m probably in an unhealthy situation but I love him so much and I don’t think anything that’s happened between us isn’t unfixable if that makes sense. Whether I need a slap in the face or some advice on what to say to him I’m all ears
NTA but no reason to be so sure. He could have some past relationship trauma.>>183473
Your bf has to address the reason of his jealousy. You're not giving him anything to be worried about, but it has to be coming from somewhere. At this point it's no longer your responsibility, you did all you possibly could to make him feel secure. Would be best if he looked into therapy, even if just one consultation or a few.
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"Hey, I was just wondering, why don't you say 'I love you' first? Is there a reason?" Casual, bam, done. You're not forcing him to say anything, stop assuming things and make things clear.
Him not saying it first obviously bothers you and if you're not comfortable with addressing things that bother you, maybe you're not ready for a relationship?
He wouldn’t even let you talk to coworkers? He monitors who you have added on Facebook and tells you to delete people? He accuses you of cheating even though he can be basically 100% sure that you’re not cheating, due to the factors you mentioned.
He’s unwell, anon, and he’s making it your problem. And you’re letting him. You’re obliging him even when he’s being completely unreasonable. (I’m sure he’s a manipulative asshole who makes himself sound reasonable to you though.)
He’s isolating you, which is the oldest abuse tactic in the book.
I’d say “leave him” but I know no one ever takes that sort of advice from random internet people.
what you've described is emotional abuse and manipulation. you think you're deleting people of your own volition when really, you wouldn't be doing that if it weren't for him arguing with you. he goes through your phone but you don't go through his? that's a clear power imbalance.
I tend to agree with >>183477
because, in my experience, the guys who are extremely paranoid about their partners cheating are paranoid because they themselves are cheating. therapy doesn't really work for abusive
people either, unless they see that what they're doing is wrong and they want to change.>>183509
is correct that isolation is an abuse tactic. it's a huge red flag that you don't have any close friends, you've isolated yourself from social media, and you don't drive. this tells me that you rely on him a lot and it will only get worse if you stay with him.
>>183585>Do friendships count as relationships itt?
They tend to get discussed more in the general advice thread but they technically fit here so pretty sure it's fine. >How on earth do you decide what a good friend is?
I would say someone who you feel has a positive influence on you and/or whose presence you feel consistently improves the quality of your life. You may just be introverted, like in my case I enjoy having friends but I don't care if I don't see them for several months at a time. I just don't crave a lot of social interaction but knowing we can get in touch if anything especially exciting or negative happens for support is nice, or if there's something that either of us would enjoy more if we did it together. Personally I'm not the type that feels the desire to eat lunch with friends 3x a week and then also watch a movie with them on the weekend and spend all day together doing some activity. I know some people really love that but for me it's just too much and I need space to do things at my own pace. But getting together for like, a concert or visiting a museum together to hear their input or playing a game together, sure. Maybe it's the frequency and type of your interactions that's draining you? Either that or you do just find them boring without anything interesting to add to your life, in which case you shouldn't waste time and energy on those who aren't enjoyable to you.
ok so my partner wants to get married some time, i've never really wanted to, because i've had this idea in my head for the longest that it's beautiful leaving the doors open ie not married but still being together(committedly), because it is confirmation of the love the two share, either one could walk away but they don't because they enjoy each other's company, and you know this for as long as they are together, etc etc hopefully you get the gist.
I've also been thinking about my relpulsion by the thought of being perceived as a "ball and chain". I NEVER want to feel like that, or like i'm holding someone at gun point/hostage, and that puts me off marriage even more so. But then, don't men more times than not have the most to lose in assets/monetarily/material belongings/whatever? Like marriage for them is a gamble, so if they choose to marry you isn't that confirmation of their love and commitment for you? Cheater husbands say otherwise, but then that doesn't explain why these men married those women…. Instead of confirmation, it could maybe mean simply that they think you're a doormat or in the best scenario that they love you the "most" and thought you were worth fucking up and consequently getting divorced and losing money….. I don't know ,,,I'm so conflicted
My ex proposed to me and I genuinely think it was because of the financial benefits of being with me, because he really started to disrespect me once that ring was on my finger. He even started telling me deal breakers on the wedding, he didn't want to do this and this and this and this and this etc and didn't want an engagement party, i never even spoke of marriage I was 20 years old att. 23 is when I left him. He seemed to hate the entire spectacle of being engaged and a wedding yet I have no idea what possessed him to propose.
If you can discuss with your partner the expectations before it happens I think that would make a lot of sense. I think people should discuss marriage before a random proposal, because I felt blindsided by mine and we were living together and I remember that's what I based my decision on. He took me to a remote place to propose and I was like how fucking awkward would it be to say no and then go back to our house together lol.
I think generally marriage is more beneficial to women, but really it depends on the individual factors and who is the breadwinner etc.
>>183602> don't men have the most to lose in marriage?
no. usually women are the ones to lose their names by marrying men. statistically, women are more likely than men to become impoverished after marriage, and women are more likely to lose out on earning capacity because of family responsibilities and unpaid household labour. the costs of taking care of dependents are disproportionately assumed by women. studies have shown that men consistently overestimate their share of domestic work.
some legal scholars have conceptualized husbands and wives as capital assets, and have argued that women are generally less highly values than men in the marriage market following a divorce, and therefore typically suffer larger losses as a result.
We both currently work, I don't have any benefits, if anything I'm worse off than him. But marriage seems iffy, I don't know if I've had bad examples but the men are horrible and seem to hate being married. I feel I'll get it in my head that he's only with me because he doesn't want me to have his stuff etc and not because he really wants to.>>183619
oh wow I didn't know that, so many men nowadays are turned off by marriage because of supposed risk involved for them monetarily
>some legal scholars have conceptualized husbands and wives as capital assets, and have argued that women are generally less highly values than men in the marriage market following a divorce, and therefore typically suffer larger losses as a result.
Is this saying divorced women are less likely than divorced men to remarry? sorry i'm a dummy lol
Idk about that study but it seems a bit outdated. Marriage has changed a lot recently even the connotations and people can do prenups and all now. I know a lot of people that have been able to remarry after getting divorced. Honestly why would a divorcee be looked at unfavourable in the dating market compared to say an unmarried single parent? Society isn't as traditional today so I guess you can make marriage what you want.
I think it's nice your boyfriend brought it up and it's open the channels for you two to talk about it and really feel out what it means for your future.
Ugh sorry to hear it's took a turn. It's not as if a ring guarantees commitment, it's a nice sentiment I guess. I only mentioned prenups because marriage doesn't have to work in the traditional sense that assets get tied up etc if you don't want that. There's even just civil partnerships. Honestly it does just seem very administrative unless you're the type that's been dreaming of a wedding. I've never fantasised about my wedding. I've fantasised about having a husband though, but that's more about just the notion that I'm committed to spending my life with a man and that's when I would agree with you that commitment doesn't have to be a legally binding contract, since they can be voided.
I wish you luck on your future discussions.
OP here. Thanks for all the words, and sorry for not giving anymore context. it’s been a rough day. i think knowing that we’ve been dating since we were teenagers, and I’m his first serious girlfriend is kind of worth noting. We were friends before hand as well
I should clarify that I wasn’t necessarily not allowed to talk to co-workers, go on Instagram, etc.. it just got to a point where I had to answer about passing interactions. I just avoided the other guy workers in general to avoid the confrontation altogether. Same goes for friends online, he would just bother me about them for so long that I would delete them to simply “shut him up”, for lack of a better term.
I should also note that him and I have had many emotional conversations about the state of our relationship and how his attitude affects me so I’m just not sure what to think. For example, he would point out that me deleting people due to his influence is toxic
on his end, he says he understands how annoying/ frustrating/ upsetting to be accused constantly.
I have a sneaking suspicion he might struggle with some sort of mood disorder or OCD, and he has mentioned medication or therapy before. Knowing him though I just don’t think he would see it through, I think he’d get cold feet especially going to therapy.
I’ve been through his phone before I guess you could say, but he’s genuinely that type of guy that keeps low social media presence. He doesn’t like other girls pictures, he doesn’t have any gal pals. He himself isn’t very social so I genuinely don’t think it’s a case of projection. It would honestly be easier that way.
I’m just constantly sad because I don’t do anything wrong, I’m really low maintenance, I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I feel like I’ve been a really great girlfriend. I don’t understand why I’m being punished for not doing anything wrong.
Any time I try to express how upset these accusations make me, it just turns into “oh you’re offensive so it must be true” if I act nonchalant it’s, “that’s suspicious of you why aren’t you denying it”.
Note: I want to rip my hair out the next time I hear the word “sus”. I hate that he learned that word.
I’m sorry for rambling on and on, I just haven’t talked to anyone about this stuff and I don’t know where to go anymore.
Is he just “empathizing” with me to keep me around his finger and he’s truly a manipulative POS or is he just painfully insecure???
The first part of >>183549
is important: What he's doing is emotional abuse. As she said, you wouldn't feel the need to delete people and do all this stuff if it weren't for your partner's constant harassment. Just because he recognizes that it's toxic
and thinks about therapy, doesn't change the fact that he hasn't actually done anything to fix it. >truly a manipulative POS or is he just painfully insecure???
It doesn't have to be one or the other. My ex who emotionally abused me for 3 years also swore up and down that he was crazy in love with me, acknowledged that he was wrong (when he was in a calm and stable enough state), and dealt with a lot of self esteem issues. But while all of that was very insightful, none of it excused what he was doing to me. It doesn't matter if he acknowledges the problem if he doesn't take steps to fix it. Some issues are too big and running on scripts too deep for people to handle alone. You both see what's going on, so now the question is whether you're going to keep enabling him.
I don't mean for this to sound like I'm blaming you because I understand all the emotional entanglement and wanting to believe he'll get better just by thinking about it hard enough, but that isn't how it works. If you told an alcoholic partner to stop drinking and they acknowledge they have a problem and should probably go to AlAnon, but it continues for years… obviously nothing has changed. At some point there have to be repurcussions for people doing bad things, whether that's the partner saying they're going to leave unless they get help or the drunkard running over an innocent person. Don't be the roadkill - you shouldn't have to be collateral damage in his
quest to grow up. Put your foot down and draw boundaries. "This has been a huge issue for over a year and I am at my breaking point. You say you have attempted to curb your behavior but it hasn't stopped, so clearly this is something you need help doing. There is no problem between us, but your damaging beliefs are making it a reality. Set up an appointment with a therapist or I will presume this relationship is over." I know it sucks to have to set ultimatums, but to be frank, you've been asking nicely and it's not working. At this point you either put up with it forever, and you shouldn't have to live that way, or you give him the opportunity to step up. The ball will then be in his court and you see whether you mean enough to him to swallow his pride and accept he needs help, or he decides he wants to take the easy route and lose you.
You got me, I’m the 21 y/o zoomer lol he’s 25 (is that genz?). I NEVER say “sus” irl that’s just how I personally abbreviate it and I thought everyone did too? It’s not that deep anyways and it’s not like he wants to get married tomorrow. >>183667
Yes but he knows I’m not just used it to get me to see it from his perspective. I get what he means, basically like an unfaithful person he just talks very crudely. Tbh when I word it like that it just sounds like he was trying to guilt trip me or whatever
Sounds too familiar.
I've considered these to be emotional abuse from fear of abandonment and tangled some trauma based narc male/entitlement.
When there's no explanation and you literally can't do anything different to avoid his rage and paranoia.
It's abuse. Subtle. Hard to call out. When I've called his behaviour emotionally abusive
and then 'abusive
' became his favourite word to describe me standing up for myself.
It's been 8+ years.
This guy won't change.
All the best to you - you don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve you. No matter how much you love him.
I'll say it again, a man who casually refers to women (even unfaithful ones) as whores is not a good man. It reflects an extremely sexist outlook. Has he ever called a man a whore? Somehow I doubt it. You've been pondering why marriage is so important to him for a few posts but he already told you directly. There's a saying: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He is expressing that the reason he wants to get married is because he feels like you'll eventually cheat on him otherwise and wants to tie you down. His concept of marriage is rooted in the idea of ownership, not mutual partnership. This is likely to get worse once he's actually married you. You're treating this very lightly and making excuses for him, but imo you aren't taking it seriously enough. You are also very young. Statistically speaking it's extremely unlikely this relationship will last. Don't trap yourself in a relationship with this man until you've actually had some time to live and determine what you want for yourself. If you aren't yet interested in leaving him for the gross attitude, at least say you want to wait 4+ years to take the next step.
This is coming from someone who got married at 20 and ignored older women saying I should probably wait. Divorce isn't quite as easy as people are making it out to be and I would've loved to avoid it entirely. I really, really hope you will give yourself time to get to know yourself better and explore other people who aren't misogynists.
I’m a woman with two male partners. I’ve been with one for five years and the other for three years. They’re both straight so they’re not romantically/sexually involved with each other, but they’re close like family/bros. They’re both supportive of my relationship with both of them, and they’re supportive to each other as well. (Which is very much needed because I forget if I mentioned in my original post that one has a serious illness and sometimes needs lots of support through difficult times like surgery, chemo, etc.)
We are very happy as a little household/family whatever you’d call it. No issues from within the relationship, it’s purely just my extreme discomfort with the whole “libfem redditor poly community” type of culture. It’s not like I’m going to dump either of them to avoid being seen as a person like that but it still makes me cringe into infinity to ever talk about this stuff with anyone, because I really don’t want to come off as one of those types.>>183527
Yeah, that pretty much makes sense.>>183551
I honestly don’t know and that’s the part that is an issue for me. I mean yeah I suppose we can just keep doing what we are doing, where we don’t tell anyone the situation. It’s not like we go out of our way to hide it. The two of us that have been together longer have definitely been questioned about why we have “such a close friend” who seems to spend an unusual amount of time together with us, and our stock response is “he’s like family to us!!” …I’m sure some of our friends and family have figured it out if they’re not stupid, but I guess they understand it’s not something we all want to talk about.>>183554
It’s nice to know there are other successful case studies. However I’m not sure how I feel about involving kids in a situation like that. If any of us planned to have kids we would probably not have been okay with this relationship format. But two of us can’t have kids (and don’t want any) while the other just doesn’t want any, so it isn’t an issue for us.
Hi, anons. I feel really frustrated and I don't know how to deal with my feelings so I am looking for some advice. My boyfriend is majorly against the porn industry, only fans, all that jazz. He genuinely is, I believe - he talks badly of it without being promoted while not being disrespectful of women, and it seems to be something he wishes were far different. My difficulty is that he says he tries not to watch porn (we don't live together, I go over each weekend and stay for about 3 days), and I'll accidentally find evidence of it. I feel so upset internally when this happens and my BPD brain always feels like it's something personal against me, or like he did that on purpose against the fact he says he doesn't watch porn. We talked about it last weekend and he says he is ashamed of the times he does look at porn (it's instathots and amateur stuff, and no he doesn't follow any or save their posts, but clearly he knows of them) and that it's not like he's dying to look at it. He's tried explaining to me he can't masturbate without visual stimuli, and that's hard for me to understand not only because I imagine everything in detail, but also because it's almost always of him and me. I just feel sick to my stomach.
How do I reconcile it's possible to look at other women (for porn) without it being a decisive assault on our relationship? A mistake? I feel like I could maybe deal with it better if he weren't so vocal about his hate of porn culture. He says that's in part why he hates it so much - he feels ashamed of his shortcomings. He appears very sincere. I guess I am thinking of it like smoking - I struggle with smoking, it's irritating to others, it's not good for myself, sometimes I can quit for weeks, but then I'm back at it. But it's not like it involves anyone. My boyfriend is (per usual, lol) fine in all other areas.
I feel like no matter how I try to think about it, I can't make myself feel okay. I feel hideous. I get he isn't jerking off every 10 minutes when I'm gone, and who knows how often it happens anyway, but it just skeeves me, especially since he has my nudes. Like I'd rather have him just look at whoever since apparently he can't stop it instead of pretend he can survive off my nudes.
It's definitely a complicated situation; fist of all because he lies to you. I guess we can assume he lies out of shame, but it's still a lie and it's 100% understandable you would feel bad about that. You say you've talked about it already; did you make it very clear how it makes you feel that he watches porn? That it's not just "you're a hypocrite" thing but it also hits your self esteem very hard and basically choosing to watch porn he chooses his desire to jerk off over your mental well being (aside his own alleged morals).
Something I personally don't understand is that someone would need a visual stimuli to masturbate. Yeah it's nice to have sometimes but of you can't get turned on without visual stimuli, just… don't masturbate? It's not obligatory and clearly you don't actually need it that much if the arousal is not there at all and has to be invoked with videos or images, I don't know. Is there any anon who would only be able to masturbate with visuals who could maybe share her point of view here?
>>183778>he says he tries not to watch porn>he says he doesn't watch porn
So which one is it? Does he straight up lie to you about watching it or is he transparant that he tries not to watch it but fails at it?
If he genuinely agrees that porn is bad and if he genuinely feels shameful about his habit and cares that it makes you feel bad then he'll have no problems if you propose to him that he needs put in active work to eliminate porn from his life. Maybe you can propose to work on it together, like he can text or call you when he feels the urge to watch porn or whatever. If he doesn't agree trying to actively work towards eliminating his porn watching habits then maybe you should re-evaluate how sincere he really is.
I somehwat see his side as I have my own porn habits and I feel like orgasming in the absence of it is difficult, but then I don't lie about it to partners or make false promises. I'm honest that I watch amateur stuff and I'd leave someone early on before I'd ever get into just lying my way through a relationship. If he's just lying about it and that becomes a cycle you're expected to accept.. you're within your right to be upset. His solution seems to be to deny reality. That's going to eat away at your trust. This is the man who is meant to also be faithful to you in general..and he lies regularly because his sexual needs come above honesty..
He's not on the same level of anti-porn thinking as you clearly. Actions speak much louder. I think given that you struggle with bpd this is setting you up for a wild ride of emotions. How long are you together and how soon did the porn convo happen?
Maybe make it clear to him that the lie in itself is more unforgiveable than the slip up. You finding evidence rather than him admitting it..is where this gets real sketchy. Maybe there's some subtype of porn that is the least offensive to you and that can be a compromise of sorts? But lying to you is only going to create issues down the line, outside of porn too.
>>183778>He's tried explaining to me he can't masturbate without visual stimuli, and that's hard for me to understand not only because I imagine everything in detail, but also because it's almost always of him and me.
Exactly, his excuse is bullshit and plenty of people (primarily women) manage to get off without any visual stimuli except what's in their mind. And if he does want visual stimuli, he has you or images of you. His regular albeit intermittent use of porn is an addiction despite any distaste for it, just like your regular yet intermittent smoking is. Yet as you said, your smoking doesn't really affect anyone except you while his porn use is contributing not only to the problem of the overall industry but damaging your relationship. You are perfectly within your rights to request that he stop using it since it makes you uncomfortable, and if he's as gung-ho about quitting as he professes to be, then he should be actively trying to eliminate it as well (blocking sites, seeing a therapist, reading reference material on how to stop). Right now it seems his extreme efforts to protest porn are a means of trying to make up for his problem, but verbal outcry isn't enough; concrete steps taken to stop could be, but it seems he isn't doing that.
yes he has anon! but only "manwhore"….. which sounds a little problematic
but I know he's not sexist or a misogynist. And even if he was a little bit I find it hard to blame him for his inevitable socialization. Also like I said he didn't bring it up because he wants to marry soon, just as something he'll expect down the road. He knows I want to graduate first
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>>183789>And even if he was a little bit [sexist/misogynistic] I find it hard to blame him for his inevitable socialization.
Let's pray no lurking scrotes read this post and start using "I was socialized this way" to carry out misogyny.
First he said he doesn't watch porn. After I found evidence, he says he tries not to watch porn. I think he has read stuff on how to stop because he mentioned texting, but we both agreed how awkward that would be (in hindsight, I should have taken that up, as difficult as it would have been for me). When I think about it like you're phrasing it, I do see what you mean. He once simply said some mean stuff to me when drunk, then he quit drinking, like for real. But he isn't doing the same thing with porn when tbh I think porn hurt more than what precipitated him quitting drinking. >>183786
I really wish he wouldn't make false promises. It seems to me it wasn't an intentional breakage of a statement, but he wanted to think of himself as above it. I feel lame for even being grateful last weekend he was just being honest. I'm very weak when it comes to the topic of porn, I have trouble putting my foot down.>>183788
You make good points. Thank you for your perspective. Like I said before, you're all reminding me of how he quit drinking just like that even though he used to drink fairly often. So it's different for porn, though.
I need to figure out how to talk about this. I suck at speaking about this topic. I have a lot of triggers
that can easily set me off and it's hard for me since my ex was a literally pornsick rapist. I've been with this bf for about 2 years and he's pretty different in every way, and so this issue affecting me makes me feel guilty because I've suffered worse.
I also told him to delete my nudes just now over text and he said he would. I didn't say why, I knew it'd make me spiral through text. I suspect he has an idea why, but who knows with scrotes.
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My long term boyfriend and I are long distance and a few days ago he received news that he has to move out of where he's currently staying by the end of this month. I'd take him in but unfortunately we're international and broke and Coronavirus just isn't going to let that happen.
Anyway, he found someone he can team up with to find an apartment and they can be roommates and split the rent, the thing is that this person is biologically female and although they don't identify as or go by female pronouns the idea of him sharing a living space with another biological female that isn't either me or a family member is really getting to me. They both do freelance work so they'd be around each other all the time and he's said that they have a lot of common interests and they sound like someone his friends would get along with too and I'm feeling really jealous. I can't/won't do anything about it though because I'd still rather he have another femoid as a roommate than be homeless.
I guess I'm not so much looking for advice but more-so just trying to see if I'm weird for feeling this way? It's not that I don't trust him I'm just afraid of being left out or forgotten about and neighbors potentially thinking they're a couple.
I’m sorry to be negative, anon, but yes, you should be worried. Non-binaries are fucking weird about sex and she will almost definitely try to pull some shit for validation. And they can get away with it too since you’ll have no way of knowing.
Do you mind my asking what are you even getting out of a LDR where you can’t visit or make plans to move in together? Is it just going to be indefinitely long distance or do you have some sort of longterm goal in being together?
Him having to move out was very sudden and he's had very little time to prepare, otherwise he's been waiting for his (male) friend to get some stuff he needed to do out of the way before they found a place. It's also not like he was deliberately looking for someone with a vag, he actually didn't know until I brought it up to him. I'd kinda feel bad if he cut this person off just because I feel jealous. They also need a place with the same criteria.>>183898
I mean, I could just be coping but after posting I realized that she could just be into women too. I know my bf well enough to know that it's not him I should be weary of in this situation, so if she's just into women and other eNbYs then it could be okay.
I don't mind, we've been trying to come up with a solid plan to meet but shit has just kept getting in the way. It was insufficient funds for a while on both ends but once he started getting paid a decent wage 'rona hit. He's also been in need of someone reliable enough to watch his pets while he's gone if he were to come visit.
Anyway, yeah, we do plan on eventually moving in together somewhere once I get my own shit together and coronavirus finally fucks off.
He lives over a corner shop and ran downstairs to buy snacks and left his phone behind, and I had previously noticed his unlock pattern is just an "S". I couldn't resist a quick look.
BTW just thinking about it now, very glad I didn't find any porn at all.>>183930
I never got this. Why is it alarming? I just want to know who he is. I don't mean any harm. I didn't actually read his convos so it's not like I invaded his privacy. I just know he's not talking to other girls currently and that he seemingly only talks to one guy who might be his brother.
If he was a friend of a friend, I could just ask my friends to know the same public info, but he's a coworker so I couldn't do that.
I'm split between >>183939
and giving you a pass because as a woman you can never be too careful around men.
Any man that says this is self aware enough, I say it because I know
his word choices (like using man-whore) are unconscious.>>183880
It's different when it's an adult man though imo, alot more difficult when they've already been raised that way. You're right anyways anon, I should've called him out, but we weren't very close back when he used that word.
similar because i was using it as an excuse the same way "boys will be boys" is used as an excuse to not expect any better.
gosh anons would it be weird to call him out now for something he said so long ago he may not even remember anymore?
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I've had a boyfriend for nearing two years now and I feel like I've outgrown him. I met him during an extremely hard time in my life and he was able to be there for me. It was very nice he was there to cheer me up, but i realized he was only there for me so much because he has nothing else to do. as my life evolves and grows, and as I learn and change, he has stayed stagnant, and it's been so apparent that I can't delude myself into ignoring it anymore. The worst part is that he considers himself "dominant" and likes to think of himself as a provider, but that's just this idealized image of himself he's created. It's fictitious. He asks me to pay half of the shipping on sexy outfits only he will ever see. It's childish. He so frequently needs comfort from me but is obsessed with this fantasy that he's a Prince Charming style hero swooping in to help me. In reality, it's all him seeking validation from me. I hate pretending he's a big strong man who is helping me because he's not. It's like when you allow a child to hold a wooden spoon in a kitchen to make them feel like they're helping. I can't do it anymore. He's a grown man. And it makes me sad, because we see eye to eye ideologically for the most part, but he engages in a lot of performative overzealous feminism online (mostly as penance for being edgy online in his youth) that really annoys me. He also loves to differentiate himself from other pornsick men. He thinks he's different, but he's got brainrot from reading too many doujins, and any progressive bullshit he spouts means little to me because he raped me while I was on an empathogen. We were on something literally know to make you empathetic and he still thought it was okay to guilt me into sex. I keep trying to rationalize. He's funny, we have a similar sense of humor, have shared good memories. His parents like me. It'd be so easy to relent and ignore it but he's a spoiled manchild who I've outgrown. I see him as a needy child now. Not sexy at all.
Also I'm almost positive I'm a lesbian and am going through something horrible psychologically.
Thank you for listening.
I don’t mean this disrespectfully anon but holy fuck that post went in directions I didn’t expect. You start of so lukewarm saying you think you’ve outgrown him, then by the end you add that he raped you
and that you’re pretty sure you’re a lesbian
. That was kind of a rollercoaster, but not in the fun way. I know it’s cliche to say, but “my heart hurts for you” reading this. Whatever conclusion you ultimately come to about your own sexuality, I hope you are safe and far, far away from this man. I’d be saying that if it was just that he was mediocre and you outgrew him, but guilting you into sex while on drugs? That is a whole other level. If you have women’s resource center in your area or something, it might help to go to them just for some space and someone to talk to. Just visiting the one at my college and talking to some advocates there really helped me get my head back on when I was all confused after I was in an unhealthy mindfucky relationship.
Just like other anon I wasn't expecting that to go down the way it did. Even what you say in the beginning is enough to warrant moving on. It's perfectly valid
in itself to just feel like you've outgrown a relationship. Add on the other stuff and well that should remove any doubts that you need to bite the bullet.
I won't make out like you're crazy for staying this long because I've been coerced into sex acts and I rationalized staying after that. The longer you're with him the longer you have this BS presence in your life. The guy obviously isn't walking around with a guilty conscience and it's likely he'll never recognize what he did to you. Your feelings around your sexuality now might be a reaction to that (or might not) but getting away from this guy will give you the space to see all this for what it really was and to process it. It sounds like you're already waking up to some harsh truths.
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Thanks for the replies.>>184108
I have a major tendency to downplay stuff because I'm pretty sure that if I didn't, I'd have snapped by now. Self delusion is a powerful thing, huh? I am very far, as it is a long distance relationship, which should make a "cut and run" situation easier, but it doesn't. I think the biggest problem is that he was there for me when my life at really one of its lowest lows, and we do see eye to eye on interests. My brain keeps saying "well, he did this, right? So it can't be that bad." Even now, I'm backspacing over and over because I keep trying to justify why he did what he did on molly which was and is unacceptable. I think I'm going through something mentally. >>184120
It astounds me that he isn't feeling guilty about it. It hangs over my head and taints every single thing he does, and he doesn't even notice. He assumes, "Ah, anon-chan is feeling depressed. I wonder if it's her mental illness or perhaps PMS." No, it's what he DID and how he treats me. I do feel crazy for staying, but I'm terrified about losing the stability even though the stability is theoretical because he doesn't actually make me feel stable. Also, regarding my sexuality, I never dated men before a really big horrible event that happened to me, so I genuinely think I was having some sort of phase. I think I just really really desperately need stability and was seeking it out in the wrong places and still am by continuing to date him.
You all helped a lot though. Drafting up a breakup letter. It isn't worth the anxiety and sickness I feel for a stability I hope will one day arrive. I guess I never really thought about it as connected, but last time he visited, I got so nervous that I puked because I was nervous about sex. Hindsight is 20/20.