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No. 193118
Vent your heart out, give and receive relationship advice from fellow farmers.
Previous threads:
>>>/g/176521>>>/g/145234>>>/g/134794>>>/g/122983>>>/g/108637>>>/g/86733>>>/g/70439>>>/g/44548 No. 193133
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Me and my girlfriend have been dating and living together for almost 3 years and I want to surprise her with a new car. Our anniversary is coming up, but I want to do it for no real reason other than I love her. She has one she’s been wanting for a long time and getting it isn’t exactly the problem, but I just slightly wonder if we’re moving too fast? I don’t plan on going anywhere and I’m positive she doesn’t either. But we’re fairly young and this is the most serious and sincere relationship I’ve ever been in. We’re not married and I don’t know if or when or how that would happen (both our families are pretty nice but have their own ideas on our relationship. My grandmother died not knowing about us because my homosexuality might have broken her heart.) but I don’t see myself being with anyone else in the future and I don’t want to either. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I put too much of myself into it and it gives her unnecessary pressure or I should be wary of my actions. She says it doesn’t bother her at all though, and I never consider her or her gifts in return inadequate. Am I just overthinking it? She gives me nice gifts first sometimes too, but I never want things of that caliber.
No. 193134
>>193133I think you should consider making her a gift, instead of buying one. If you feel like you're rushing, and asking for confirmation on it, then your gut is telling you something.
Maybe you could make her something like a little book, like a notebook she could use, but write letters in it to her. How she makes you feel, how you felt when you first saw her, that sort of thing. Put in pictures of flowers she likes, or dab a bit of her favorite perfume onto the cover. You can put all of yourself into this, because personalized gifts are the perfect receptacle for that.
No. 193151
>>193133That's a really sweet and generous thought
nonny, but it's probably too much. It's a "marriage-level" gift even if you aren't literally married, and it sounds like you're pretty certain but not 100% secure in the relationship since you're having to ask, so I wouldn't jump the gun. You can still get her something nice and catered to her interests/wants, just not
that expensive. And another thought: Are you really worried about her feeling uncomfortable about the quality of gifts you give, or is some part of you upset that she doesn't provide that same quality in return? I know you say you don't think her gifts are "inadequate" but there's a difference between being happy with something and being okay with something but wishing it was different. I promise I'm not trying to create a problem where there is none, but these days I live by a "People get the level of effort they give" rule. I think you have to be conscious of the fact that continually giving more than someone else
can turn into resentment over time. You may feel fine with it the first time, you may feel fine with it the first fifty times, but eventually unless it's reciprocated you can't help but feel like you don't matter as much. Better to not put yourself in that situation in the first place.
No. 193160
>>193155Sadly there's no way to be totally safe, but that list isn't a bad start. I think you could add:
>Openly communicates and pursues meaningful discussions rather than you always having to initiate>Genuinely interested in you and your life, remembers things you say>Actively improves himself through earning more, learning new skills, volunteering, going to gym, meditating, having new experiences, etc>Says something when other people make rude comments (silence around assholes can be a big indicator of mental weakness and lack of standards)>Understands and reacts calmly/neutrally when told "no" >Acknowledges his own faults, able to apologize, doesn't try to position himself as a victim during misunderstandings or arguments>Doesn't mind you having access to his phone/computer and other tech, no hiding screens No. 193170
>>193155A scorned ex gf will always spill the tea on psycho/
abusive partners after the fact. If they have nothing negative to say that's a pretty good sign.
No. 193180
>>193177That’s a fine boundary for you to have and perhaps you’re willing to take that risk but personally I will never be with a man unless I’ve checked his tech. By the (lack of) virtue of their sex men have lost the right to privacy. Too many horror stories of “great guys” who have outright led double lives, solicited prostitutes, traded nudes with associates and beyond to trust in the curated face a scrote shows me. My experience was fortunately not as extreme as some, but one of my exes lavished care on me in the aftermath of a surgery, very attentive. It was a short recovery, only about a week. A little while later I asked if I could see his phone and if he’d been looking at porn (we agreed he’d stop months ago). I just had a feeling. He said he hadn’t and gave it to me. In his deleted files there were pictures of strangers baring their asses to the camera. The fucker lied to me, smooth as butter, no hesitation. Nope. Never again. (This was just the cherry on top of a shit cake by the way, but I was a weaker person then.) If a good man has issues with that level of openness, I’m totally happy to skip him and lead my own happy life. I certainly don’t need to take another risk. And yes, I know some men are better about hiding it, but chances are there will
eventually be a crack in their deception. Read this for a more intense story of an “amazing” father who truly seemed to go above and beyond but started a whole ass separate family outside of his so-called beloved wife and daughter.
https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/o23eid/on_snooping_green_flags_and_vetting/ No. 193182
>>193177In this day and age you need to vet men and look at their phones and pc. Fuck giving them privacy. Do you know how many men pay e-thots or prostitutes? What if they visit incel or mra forums? What if they say they hate women onlin?
Theres millions of males wishing death on women. You bet ur ass half of them if not more are married.
males are dangerous and women need to vet then every chance they get
No. 193203
>>193180Yes, so far checking their phone was always a great decision that saved me from dating cheaters/liars. It
is shitty to invade privacy but I honestly can't feel guilty when I always found bunch of horrible shit.
No. 193217
>>193133 >living together for almost 3 yearsThis time period for me has always been the period where I'm vulnerable to being hit from the side with an unexpected break up so maybe I'm biased by my own pattern here but I would hold off on something so big around the 3 year mark. It can be a real make or break year for relationships.
It's a nice gesture that you'd even think about getting it for her but I think in a less romantic sense and more sensible one.. a regular gift would be the smarter choice for now.
No. 193224
>>193219I had an ex where I knew a username he tended to use on forums but I never looked into his activities til after we split.
Post break up I was taking it badly so I looked him up and found out he had a long pattern of starting shit, petty arguments about things that don't matter. I don't know if he was drinking at the time he was doing it but I got that vibe. It wasn't a reddit account but my god didn he argue like a redditor! trying to sound smart and reduce the other person down to a dunce for thinking differently. That hit home.
He was a bad drunk irl when we dated. It would change his personaility to the point where I begged him to stop drinking. I wish I had found his post history at the very start. I'm not one to check phones because I think if you even reach the point of wanting to then the trust is gone and leaving would be better.. public posts tho, I maybe feel differently about them.
No. 193290
>>193181Good for you
nonny, I'm proud of you. Congrats on dropping the manchild.
No. 193314
Bf and I have been having sex and generally showing affection a lot less. Sex is and has always been a bit of a disappointment with him. He's not a super selfish asshole, I'm certain he loves me and cares about me, but evidently he is not that interested in my enjoyment. Things used to be better but as time goes on he seems to care less and less about foreplay, touching, kissing, exploring and making sex something fun or interesting. Instead, he'd rather wake me up in the morning by poking me with a boner and then screwing me while I starfish for three minutes until he gets off, after which the sexual encounter is over and forgotten. I've brought it up to him multiple times how I'm unhappy and every time I give up and end up even more upset. I feel like a pervert demanding him to do things for me or reciprocate when he doesn't want to, but it feels so unfair when he's perfectly satisfied and I'm left sad and desperate. I'm so miserable because all this has been brewing inside me, I can't even sleep next to him anymore, more nights than not I'm crying and silently cursing him while he doesn't know or care. What's left for me to do? I don't want to break up with him, I have no idea how to even bring it up to him anymore, I'm scared I appear way too pervy and needy because I understand that if he doesn't want sex he just doesn't want sex.
No. 193319
>>193314I don’t know why anons are so deluded as to think their partners will suddenly start caring about them if they just phrase their concerns the right way. I know this is shocking knowledge, but someone who cares about you? They’ll listen the first time you bring up a concern and take steps to address it. It’s a hard pill to swallow but a reality check nonetheless. You either stay in this relationship, continually being used as a living fleshlight, or you stand up for yourself and leave. If you’re so desperate to stay with a man whose highest requirement in a partner is only that she’s vaguely conscious, then start telling him to fuck off when he pokes his boner against your body. No sex until he starts prioritizing you again.
>I'm certain he loves me and cares about me>but evidently he is not that interested in my enjoymentReally? I’m so curious as to your definition of “love” if it includes a person who doesn’t care about your pleasure whatsoever and refuses to attempt it even after repeated requests. Would you tell a friend to stay in an arrangement like this and try to convince her that her partner still loves and cares about her? If so, you’re a horrendous friend. I really hope you get out of this rapey and dehumanizing situation anon.
No. 193359
>>193314Been in a similar scenario. One sided sex life where I went a long time without an orgasm, certainly wasn't faking them either and it never occurred to him to please me or look after that in return. Hinting fell on deaf ears. Downright demanding it made me feel gross when in reality I was a league above this guy looks wise.
You shouldn't have to demand pleasure. He should automatically care enough to do it. I understand that you FEEL like he totally loves you (been there) but his actions clearly say otherwise and I would listen to those actions more than his words. He is right now damaging you and leaving you with issues that are likely to impact your sex life with future partners too. Leaving sooner rather than later is best. Don't let him further demean you by having to beg for simple consideration while he just takes what he wants. Its fucked up and when you get away from him you'll have the headspace to see that.
No. 193362
>>193314>he loves me and cares about me>he is not that interested in my enjoyment.It's one or the other anon
>he wakes me up poking me with a boner and fucks me while I starfish but I'm scared I'll appear too pervy and needy asking for what I wantget some self respect
No. 193366
>>192556update
he messaged me first saying "i hope everything is ok, that there's no hard feelings" ? i've spent the entire week since we broke up miserable and crying, and he sends me this shit
>no hard feelingsis he just trying to taunt me? attempting to appear like the bigger man or something? why even bother sending a message like this. no i'm not okay.
i'm even more confused now?
No. 193394
>>193366You're already a week into this and like you said in your earlier post you need to get this done. Don't go back now.
You're super emotionally invested and he's not. Even the language of 'hope there's no hard feelings' isn't hitting the mark when you're heartbroken. You said this was very surface level and it honestly sounds it on his end. Stay strong and resist replying even if he's attempting to be civil. You're at risk of just repeating the last week of pain all over again.
No. 193428
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My bf of nearly two years wants us to find an apartment together and I’m very apprehensive. I’m just a big wuss who’s never lived away from home so I worry about my parents being lonesome without me, myself missing them, not knowing how tf to live on my own/with someone who isn’t family… I also worry about no longer being able to save money. I make shit money but I’ve been able to save up since I still live with my parents at 26 (I know that’s probably embarrassing lol).
I know I have to move out eventually and it’s a way to advance our relationship, but I just have a lot of anxiety over it. Has anyone else dealt with this when moving in with a significant other or am I just an immature retard in this regard?
I am also concerned that due to this apprehension, our relationship might suffer if I find myself unable to handle a big change like this.
No. 193452
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how do I know if he browses /mu/
No. 193456
>>193350It’s sad that anon can’t see how ironic this is too. “I’m afraid to ask him to make me feel good because that’s perverted.” Uh, why on earth do you think that? Are you caught up in the Madonna/whore complex yourself and think it’s not ladylike to enjoy sex? If the positions were reversed and you were the one getting off and he never orgasmed do you think you’d ever be hearing the end of it? It’s truly a willful desire not to see how cruel these men are. And it
is disturbingly common, this and worse. For anons wondering if a situation where they’re being sexually used by a man is normal, listen to this video. Yes, it’s normal. But no, it’s in no way healthy or loving. I wish the answer was as simple as communication but men like this are too depraved to care and they will never change.
No. 193519
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Has anyone else's lack of coping with intense horniness ruined relationships? When I get really giggidy and my bf isn't I would get pouty and it would ruin both our moods. Sometimes I take the rejection well and find something else to do, sometimes I cry, usually I masterbate in self-pity. It's gotten to the point where my bf thinks I think of him as a piece of meat only, and not someone I'm genuinely in love with, which was also the start of my previous relationship's death kneel. It's not like we're in a dead bedroom, we fuck like 3-4x a week, which should be enough but not for my dumb clit apparently.
I've decided to take up another hobby (embroidery) to funnel my sexual energy into something artistic and fulfilling, but if anyone has any other tips to calm my horny ass down I would love to hear them.
No. 193535
>>193519Yeah I used to be like that too. I had a higher sex drive than him and would get overly disappointed if he didn't feel like it (or more commonly, his dick didn't feel like it). I had to learn to not get as pouty because it only makes things worse, it's obviously not his fault or something he should feel bad about, and if anything a bad reaction like that can cause him to be less horny in the future.
Anyway there's nothing wrong with masturbating to get the horny to calm down a little. As long as you don't take it out on him/get emotional it's fine to fix it like that. Other than that maybe go for a run or a workout? Since that gives more of a release for physical tension as well.
No. 193541
>>193519Instead of demanding sex, maybe you can try to build the mood? You can seduce him too, in a more indirect way.
Cooking is a good way to improve yourself and it's satisfying. It can be really time consuming too.
No. 193567
>>193428Same boat anon. Lived with my parents like apple pie until I was 23, then the virus hit and my bf and I decided to live together. tbh a year down the line I STILL cry about missing my parents. And if you're as sensitive as me then you will miss them forever. But the independence you get from being away with them is also so liberating, every time you see them again for visits it makes it so worthwhile. Also you will see your parents growing too, in my case, my fam actually decided to finally buy their own place after 23 years lmfao.
So dont worry, fate is putting you on the right course.
No. 193569
>>193521>>193535Fuck this is a good idea, thank you. I needed to start lifting more anyway. With this new motivation I'll get so fit in time for our vacation next month, lol.
>>193541I do a lot of cooking as it is but I guess I'll finally start to make work lunch at night (when I usually get horny.) Thanks for the suggestion!
No. 193584
>>193582The thing is I've actively tried that and also been in other (unhappy) relationships since then. I'm at a loss.
Sometimes I dream about him and it just makes me so happy I was able to see him again it's like being drugged for hours after waking up (in a good way). There is no way this is healthy and I wish I didn't feel this way.
No. 193630
>>193587I never actually thought of it as grief for some reason, though it totally is. It feels weirdly validating to think of it that way, so thanks.
I can't afford a therapist right now but I hope I can soon.
No. 193680
>>193677>my boyfriend and I do the same things all the time and I'm very bored of all of ityou just answered your own question anon.
Honestly I think both men and women go through this when you meet your significant others friends. I think its the thrill of meeting new people who are kind of similar to your partner, but without the boredom of long term habits. Honestly it goes away and its basically just a test in my books. You should consider doing less 'game nights' with your bf and his friends and do much more together. Its a myth that spending time apart brings you closer, its quite the opposite actually. Spend more time together and learn to love him. You also seem quite young, so even if you were to leave your current bf for this friend, you'd probably act like this again with him. You're more infatuated and bored of your current relationship than you are in a worldly crisis.
No. 193689
>>193677Life is too short, cut the chord and end it. Ik another anon suggested that it might be the boredom but it could also be a deeper reason. What does this 'friend' have that your boyfriend doesn't? My ex was a huge scrub with no ambition and he wasn't extremely attractive so his friends with jobs and career prospects automatically seemed like better options. My disdain for his lack of motivation and his unattractiveness was manifesting in me looking at other guys as potentials. You might have a similar deeper reason behind your crushing. If you do break up then give yourself time to be single if you need it, you might even figure out that his "friend" isn't such hot shit either and that quarantine + only hanging with this group has made you adjust your standards.
After a terrible short fling of a relationship with a dude who raped me, my first LTR bf was in the same friend group and ime it's awkward for the guys. I'm guessing your bf didn't rape you though, my ex hated the first guy after learning about how he raped me. The first guy ended up fucking off out of the friend group all the while complaining/whining about how I ruined everything for him. The majority of friend group drama will be between them. You can't control your feelings. It's up to you to decide if this is worth it. Imo you might want to break up but do you really want to date this dude? Or does he just look better atm because your bf is lacking? In my case the second relationship ended up being much longer and more meaningful than the first (although not perfect, at least he didn't rape me). And lots of people have this friend group issue happen although I can't say it always ends well. If you're really unhappy deep down then just go for it. Again, life is short. If it doesn't work out then at least they're HIS friends and not yours so you won't have to deal with the fallout of it. You can make other friends. As for having to 'leave' the friend group? That's pretty normal babes. Nobody wants to be around their LTR ex all the time.
No. 193692
>>193350>>193359I've only had one LTR (and one sex partner). My ex and I used to do tons of foreplay with him eating me out to completion every time (except period sex ofc). All of these stories are scaring me man. To be fair my ex was terrible in bed when we first got together and I trained him to be better along with myself (I was a virgin, he wasn't). But unlike the op's bf he actually cared about my pleasure; it probably takes a certain type of guy to actually want to improve sex.
Makes me feel like I did other women a favor for improving our sex life at that time but also making him learn how to pleasure a woman for his future sex partners.
Ofc I'm not the only one who has done this, it's just a joke. No. 193710
>>193689this is good advice, but handle it with care. Sorry that you went through that anon.
>You can’t control your feelingsI only have a tiny issue with this. Yes, you can’t control your initial feelings since they happened already, but you somehow can influence their further development to a degree. This might not be easy for anyone, but look at your crush towards this person like a tiny sapling that you can feed with different nutrients. If you feed it with romantic dream castles and Idealization it will only grow stronger and you will have an increasing chance for it to grow above your head making you obsess about it. In this scenario the plant gets fertilized too much and grows too strong too fast, causing potential problems because it didn’t have enough time and care to grow at a healthy pace.
Don’t get me wrong, crushes are nice I love them and seriously I’ve somehow crushed on almost all of my friends because I love them. But no fucking way would I start something romantic with them because I’d rather value them as friends than as romantic partners, and tbh all of them (as all people) have some issues which may be a huge turn-off to you after you get over the honeymoon phase or the crush weakens because you have a better time with something else and the plant didn’t get much nutrients for s while. Idk for me close friendship is a feeling quite similar to being in love, but admiration and the acknowledgment that someone’s handsome or smells good are pretty normal, like crushing is normal if you’re surrounded by good people (depends on your judgement tho) and not everyone you initially crush on might be a suitable romantic partner.
No. 193767
>>193658I thought he was a smart person who had the ability to solve problems in ways that I could not comprehend. I don't exactly think I'm stupid by comparison, but the way I do things is entirely different. I actually feel really ashamed to say I admired him, because I'm not one to hand out admiration.
We were similar in some ways but different enough that I thought our personalities were complimentary. Mutual friends apparently shipped us on the down low. He was constantly joking and far more outgoing than me. I have a tendency to come across as standoffish but he never thought that about me and we were friends for a few years before being together so I really thought it meant something. It wasn't some love at first sight situation, anyway. Our relationship had always been weirdly close and distant at the same time, which made it not too overwhelming to me, though it makes me wonder if I just never did a very good job of showing I cared. It feels dramatic to say but when we broke up it really felt like part of me had been taken away.
No. 193790
>>193710Thanks anon for your sympathies and for making that point, I said that bit about feelings quite carelessly. Kek. Maybe I’m just superstitious but imo emotions always have deeper/underlying meaning or a message behind them. I’m not even an emotional person, I only had this realization after I noticed how not confronting my emotions/issues was resulting in other problems. In my case with crushes it was my ex’s inadequacies that made me want more. I didn’t have to act on that crush and break up to date his friend and thankfully I didn’t. Ultimately what it could be is that OP’s bf is lacking in something and that’s why she’s looking at other prospects and seeing them as relatively better. I think the best advice is to break it off, take time, and see if the feelings for his best friend are still there.
I hope we get an update from you anon in a few months letting us know how you’re doing.
>>193677 Good luck.
No. 193828
>>193793If he was closed off and introverted in general at work, and not just to you, he probably has stuff going on in his life.
Guys are weird in that they never open up about their personal problems even if they want to.
At the least, ask him if he's doing alright, 'because you seemed a bit sad lately'. At worst/best, he'll say he's "fine", but inside he'll be glad to know you cared enough to notice and ask. Don't try to push him further than that because it could lead to him unintentionally letting go of bottled-up emotions.
At best/worst, he might open up about whatever has got him like this.
Or yeah, you can wait, and probably nothing will change, but this is a good opportunity to let his feelings blossom beyond 'I wan fug dat'
No. 193838
>>193802I think I remember you, were you the anon with the work - husband type relationship, then you got drunk together and cuddled at your house and then he cried because the cuddling was nice? Then he stopped talking to you? If so, you're being dense. He's embarrassed, he likes you and it's hard that you don't like him back so he's withdrawing.
This was always going to happen if you're "just really good friends!" with a guy.
No. 193880
>>193876>he's not replying to my textsSTOP texting him. Block him and delete all his contact info. You’re not partners, you’re not friends. The relationship is done, he doesn’t want you. That may sound harsh but even the most incredible women get broken up with, it typically has to do with men’s personal issues unless you cheated on him or stole all his money or something, which I doubt.
>the last thing I need is to "take time for myself"Right, so you think pining after a man who doesn’t love you is a better use of your time? Come on. It’s okay to feel sad and miserable for a while, everyone agrees break ups hurt and you can’t rush the healing process. But at the least you can stop actively trying to engage with this guy and let yourself mourn the loss rather than trying to contact him, which is essentially picking at the scab so the pain stays fresh.
No. 193970
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I'm fucking done with this. I'm WGTOW
No. 193977
>>193970Do you have the rest of the article? I'm curious about men's reasons. Bet it's 'she got fat' or 'she doesn't want to fuck me after we had kids even though she's running around after toddlers 24/7 while I play video games'.
>>193973Men will insist women hit the wall and can't get men and in the next breath are insist that married women everywhere are trading up lmao. Seems obvious that the person initiating a divorce is usually the wronged party, and that most women are desperate to avoid the stigma of divorce/single motherhood and only leave if they absolutely have to.
No. 193978
>>193977>>193973Yes, it's from a British solicitors.
https://www.battrickclark.co.uk/blog/top-10-causes-d-v-o-r-c-e/Honestly I'm seriously re-considering my relationship after this.
No. 193988
>>193961Write a list of every bad thing he did and his negative qualities, then go ahead and write one that lists his good traits as well. When I broke up with my ex the bad side was literally like 5x as long as the good one. There were
some things I liked about him sure, few people have literally zero good qualities, but clinging to that stuff and trying to convince yourself that's the "real" him beneath the bad is a lost cause. He's just mostly shit. And yeah, work on developing self respect. Once you do it becomes embarassing to think about how you tried to convince an idiot who doesn't even respect himself to do the same towards you. People either recognize your worth or not. You feel upset by the loss of your dream of who you wanted him to be rather than the man he actually was. Check out this book for some helpful exercises to build your self esteem:
http://libgen.rs/book/index.php?md5=1DDFD9D88A74F72181C80398997C4137 No. 194016
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boyfriend wants me to call him "daddy", i thought he was joking at first, but he kept bringing it up so I asked him why and he just said he doesn't know. Now what? I'm uncomfortable with it and I thought if i asked he'd give me a good explanation as to what about it turns him on so I could feel comfortable with it/reassured/at ease/etc. but now i'm at a loss. Hopefully he doesn't bring it up again (although he kept pushing it even after i said i thought it was gross), but does anyone else think it's weird? I'm touchy when it comes to mixing words children call their parents especially bc of my childhood trauma that involved a blood relative that was also my father figure…… never called him that but it still hits close to home bc i think of incest. The worst part of all is that my boyfriend is very nurturing and i kind of want to call him it bc i feel very provided and cared for. Yet it still somehow feels gross, I guess this is mostly to vent about how disappointed i am that he wasn't able to convince me to call him it, I'm more put off than before, I feel if I ask him again he would have thought of what to say by now…
No. 194035
>>194029sorry to hear that, how was it that you found out? And I think he kept pressuring me because he saw me hesitantly saying no, bc again, i kind of wanted to. Idk if i've watched so much porn in the past it's became sort of normalized, i feel like everyone is fine with it and i'm only grossed out because of my experience and maybe he's like everyone else and doesnt think much of it
>>194030>>194031he doesn't know, although i've sort of implied. he doesn't know it was a relative/person supposed to be taking care of me, i've been vague.
No. 194192
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I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for several months now. I truly love him, and I know he loves me as well, we're very close. But lately we've been spending less time together because he got a job that doesn't line up well with my schedule (I'm getting an early morning job soon myself) but I'm having a difficult time adapting to it. I struggle with fears of abandonment severely due to past trauma (childhood issues + past abusive relationship) and am terrified he's going to leave me because his needs are potentially not getting met due to wonky schedules. He always reassures me he won't leave, that he's with me forever, but it's like this feeling is eating away at me. It gives me a lot of anxiety and weighs heavy on my heart, I really hate it. I don't know how to cope with it and I think my irrational fear is putting a damper on our relationship. I think branching out and finding some other social outlets may help me a bit but I really just want to be a good girlfriend and I worry I fail at that. I just don't know how to deal with relationship anxiety after my past abuse, which while I have healed a lot from it, honestly I don't feel have fully 100% healed. I'm in therapy trying to work through things which helps but in the meantime I really am so terrified my weird paranoid behavior and inability to cope is going to run my boyfriend off. Anons with abandonment issues + anxiety, please help, any advice on coping with this fear would be greatly appreciated so I can stop (probably) annoying the shit out of him with my constant need for reassurance.
No. 194213
>>194192Nonnie your boyfriend having a job with a time inconvenience doesn’t mean he will slip away from you. If you know you truly love each other you will both be able to triumph this and get through it together. Lots of healthy couples don’t see each other so often because of these aspects in life.
I live two hours away from my boyfriend and we are always busy, but when we see each other it’s like a dream and some day we will be living together and we don’t have to stress about seeing each other (sorry for this blog).
No. 194301
>>194192Fellow bippie speaking in good faith: you have only been together a few months, you should be careful when demanding so much reassurance and promises of permanence. You'll scare him away if you continue like this.
I know the bad schedules are starting to scare you, but actually, that scarcity can be good for a relationship and keeps things fresh.
Keep it all in perspective,
nonny.
No. 194305
>>194301That anon should get better for her own well-being and happiness, and not out of fear of "scaring him away." Honestly I think situations like this are a good test of whether a man can be reassuring and reliable or if he's only sticking around when things are good. Not saying anon should burden him with all her emotional problems, but he should also take some measures to make sure she feels secure.
>that scarcity can be good for a relationship and keeps things fresh.If you find the right person that isn't true.
No. 194379
>>194372I've got two little brothers, which is why I find dating a man who is more than a year younger than me disgusting.
I do not know how some women can date men who are 3 and more years younger than them when said men are in early 20s (eg 20-23) when they all are brainwashed by Reddit, are Elon Musk / JP praisers and don't have any hobby outside videogames.
No. 194383
>>194372I hate age gaps too. My max as a 24 yr old is -1/+3 years. Dating someone in their late 20s and 30s feels wrong to me since we're probably at different stages of life, and them dating someone much younger makes me wonder if they're attracted to me as a person or more for youth.
On a personal/vanity level I don't like the idea contributing to the idea that men can expect to date much younger women or dating someone who's looks would degrade more rapidly than mine.
No. 194521
My question is twofold;
On a first date, I made out with this guy, then said I want to take it slowly. We work in the same place (different departemnts), so I want to tread a little more carefully than how I was acting. Anyway, he texted and said he had a good time and wouldn't be pushy, but since then he hasn't initiated shit. He's said several times to me that he's always available with a little notice, so let him know when I'm available. It feels like i'd be initiating everything though, no? He has absolutely no chill when we bump into each other, so I don't think he's disinterested, but it's kind of offputting and sets a bad precedent.
Additionally, he just won't text me. He'll reply to my questions on availability, but won't make any conversational texts. I will say, he's not good at speaking my native language, so might be uncomfortable (I told him he's welcome to text in his language, I can always translate). But he's close to 40 years old (i'm early 30s), so maybe it's an age/cultural thing. It's just very strange to have the two sides of quite cold/to the point over text, and then warm and excited when we meet in person.
I just kind of think that all these factors in combination might indicate he's only interested in hooking up, or that he isn't invested enough to even make an effort to plan dates. I like him but not really sure where to take this, or even how to express it.
No. 194523
>>194521>I just kind of think that all these factors in combination might indicate he's only interested in hooking upThat's the impression I got on reading this. You slowed down the sexual progression so now he's putting in less energy given he's in it for sexual payoff. That's my take.
Usually you can slow down sexual stuff and guys know that's all you meant to slow down on. That he's still meant to act the same in other respects and make an effort if he has any actual dating intentions with you. Given he's 40 he shouldn't be too prone to misreading the situation either. He can't get laid through a text so he won't spend time on texting.
No. 194526
>>194372There was a 12 year age gap in my last relationship and I started out thinking we were just fine and that I wasn't working at a disadvantage because of those 12 years… well I had my mind thoroughly changed after finding myself abused and turned into a nervous wreck (all while blaming myself) I would've sworn before then that I'd be one of those people to dip on the very first sign of abuse. I'm not a naturally trusting person and I'm slow to warm to people. I did not think I'd be suckered in by anyone. But he was at an advantage. I get that now.
I can't go there again after that experience. I randomly met a guy lately and I remember mentally ticking a box upon hearing we share the same birth year. That's now a huge pro to me. It was music to my ears.
No. 194556
>>194521Idk anon
>I want to take it slowly>He takes it slowly>surprisedpikachu.jpgI'd communicate that you want equal initiation. My partner also said he wanted to take it slow, so the only way he felt comfortable in the beginning of our relationship was when he initiated first.
No. 194572
>>194552>There is a huge difference between our text convos and in person dates. Our in person dates feel a bit awkward That's normal, it takes time to build rapport in the real world. If you feel stuck right now maybe you could try flirting over text to start? You said you're not sure about wanting a relationship yourself so it feels a bit odd to bring it up before you're ready, but you could at least start taking your conversations in a more intimate direction. Ask her what she's looking for in a partner, if she has any preferences when it comes to looks, what she finds romantic. Not only will that obviously give you more insight into what she likes, it will bring you closer and give you opportunity to take advantage of those facts in a nice way. Like if she says she thinks bracelets are cute on women you can wear one on your next date, or if she thinks picnics are romantic you can set that up for her. But yeah, flirt more.
>Hey so-and-so check out this dress! [send picture]>Wow it's really cute>I thought so too. You'd look amazing in it, you have such great legs
>I'm reading a book and this portion made me think of you>Oh, why? >This character is so clever, I was reminded of when you did xyz on our last date. I was really impressed.
>I saw this movie scene that was supposed to be romantic and it turned out so lame. What do you think?>[giving insight into her preferences]>Yeah I think that would be much better as well. Personally I would've liked [scenario]. It would be great to get the opportunity to do that with you. Idk maybe I'm shameless but I think flirting is half the fun of dating and being in a relationship kek. Have a good time with it and hopefully not being face to face will make it easier for you to start. How she reacts to comments like this will be a good indicator of whether she's receptive or not, although I'm willing to bet she will be since she obviously enjoys interacting with you and has continued going on dates. And if she reacts positively that should give you more confidence to proceed in person. She's probably feeling shy too since you're both inexperienced, so don't be afraid to take the next step. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
No. 194676
>>194602The last guy I dated fell for someone else and afaik it was an emotional affair. I suspect but can't prove it was more than that. She was only recently single too, had been seeing someone for years prior. It takes a toll on your self confidence for sure but one thing Ikeep seeing (more so with men) is how sometimes 'shiny and new' is just that tempting to them. They want to drop off all the years of baggage you have together and just chase the new fuzzy untainted lover instead.
I don't mean this in a bitchy way but looks wise my ex happily downgraded and she also ticked lots of boxes for things that he always told me he absolutely hates in women.. so why would he chose her above me still? Surely my self esteem should be destroyed by those added crappy facts? She's shiny and new. I think it's about that deep sometimes.
No. 194677
>>194664Anon your boyfriend sounds emotionally stunted. He can’t do the base-level boyfriend action of supporting you when you feel down? Trying to cheer you up even if he fucks it up is miles better than straight up ignoring you or invalidating your feelings. What about when
he feels terrible? I don’t know him so I won’t assume why he’s doing this like the anons above, but like I said this is base-level shit and what he’s doing isn’t normal. There are men who wouldn’t hesitate to comfort you. You aren’t asking for therapy, just basic comfort, so you deserve much better than this crap response and you know it.
No. 194678
>>194602Not everyone cheats; not everyone is a piece of garbage.
As for you, be patient and gentle with yourself, focus on your goals (career, hobbies, etc), put romantic/sexual relationships on the back burner for now. Take yourself out to the movies, go on a solo trip to a nearby city, rewatch Legally Blonde, get a new haircut, consider therapy to work through your grief. I also went through the same thing you did —long term relationship, got dumped, dragged on the breakup and ended up feeling lost about my identity— but I forced myself into a two-year celibacy that allowed me to focus and be patient with myself. The old you is dead, but you will heal and evolve into a new, wiser, beautiful woman, I promise.
No. 194714
>>194664Why are men such retards when it comes to emotional intelligence. Men receive emotional labor from their girlfriends all the time but can't figure out how to imitate that?
I know you said you don't have anyone else but try seeking out irl or online support anyway if "doomp him" isn't an option. Nothing worse than feeling alone when you're in a relationship.
No. 194724
>>194722I dated a guy once who showed me texts like this from his ex. He did it to show me 'how insane' she was… I didn't quite know who to believe tbh. In the end I believed her because I got to experience his bad side myself and her words rang eerily true.
But I remember deciding to never email or text him or any guy anything that could be seen as crazy post break up and used against me. I don't want any man to pull that same shit on me and use my written down feelings to label me as bpd like he did with her. It's too easy to twist that shit when other people don't have context.
No. 194765
File: 1624939703572.png (84.82 KB, 361x201, 9bac2989aaf37238d96e6b49634d48…)
I'm not how to break up with my boyfriend. How do you decide between "haha life is short" and "stability?" in the long run? My boyfriend can provide for me the emotional and financial stability I've been craving since I was young. He recently got to this point saying that his reason behind doing things now is just for me, and our future as we progress in a long term relationship (we’ve been dating for two years, we became LDR about a year ago though). It sounds sweet but some of the things he’s been doing has just been driving me up all the wall and were not able to get resolved. A few months back, I considered breaking up with him but he told me that he would just kill himself. Though I know I’m not responsible for his actions, it makes me so scared. It is not that I don’t care for him but I just do not feel that I love him as much to see a future with him anymore for reasons I can’t necessarily state to avoid making this post even longer. He’s just heavily reliant on me. My friends are his friends and he's worried that if I leave him, he won't have that anymore even though I told him they would still be his friends if they’re true friends. I want the best for him but even sexually, I'm just not feeling it at all because I feel like the emotional connection with him has just burned out. I expressed my concerns to him but he said he can just give up sex if I feel too stressed out not having it. He always tends to jump to extremes in order to satisfy the situation, but I told him that’s not healthy. Honestly, I’ve been just stuck in this breakup limbo because I don’t have the courage because I’m scared of him harming himself or doing other extreme things. Now it’s just also awkward because everything is “fine” at the moment between us but this is just been weighing on my mind for weeks and I’m just at a loss of what to do.
No. 194769
>>193961Anon I'm so sorry you're going through that, if it ended recently then it's going to take some time. Don't blame yourself for not being 'objective' right now and let yourself grieve. In time you will gain the apathy towards him and your relationship. My relationship was just under 2.5 years and while I started having realizations immediately after the break up, it took around 6 months to a year to feel complete indifference (and disgust) towards him.
>>194722Don't do it, moids get off on you caring enough to reach out. You also won't get any closure or answer that satisfies you. Moids are genuinely emotionally unintelligent so the majority are incapable of any deeper self-reflection that would result in a decent response.
Generally some good advice: you can send paragraph texts one after the other with a full psychoanalysis of your male SO with a full treatment plan of "what to do" but the only thing that truly gets through to men is total apathy. Keep in mind that passion behind hate is stronger than love.
>>194664Good god this was my ex in a nutshell. GET OUT NOW. Mofo was a creative writing major and yet I was sending him prose and letters thinking he'd reciprocate lol. There's no 'rational' explanation and it will never make sense. Men simply have the audacity not to care and we make excuses for them and even look within ourselves to internalize blame. Imo I think therapy focusing on self-confidence would help as a lot of women have low standards and need to reevaluate their own worth without men's bias added into the mix.
>>194714Agreed, why are so many men like this and how do we avoid them jfc? My only relationship resulted in me feeling crazy at times because I cared too much in comparison to how little my ex cared about me and everything else.
No. 194773
>>194258fuck anon, hope youre doing much better these days. I feel people that can call their SOs the word luckily had a normal childhood, but it is sort of
triggering to hear, despite my perpetrator not even being my dad, it still leaves a sour taste in my mouth because it was still a relative, and even if it wasn't, i can see how I'd still get put off because dads are authority figures responsible for their children, the word is to describe this relationship, i dunno if you get what i mean. However while women with normal childhoods might not think too much into it, I do. I start thinking about why any man would be fine with being called that, or even ask to be called that, it could be for the same reason, they also had normal childhoods and don't think too much of it. I do overthink and take it to mean they may have latent incest fantasies, and I'm hyper-aware looking at every little detail to make sure the guy i'm with doesn't have any sort of chronophilia towards the underaged because i would never want to put my children at even 0.1% risk of living in the same house as this type of men. to say i am paranoid is an understatement.
No. 194786
>>194783 >anonnies what would you doI wouldn't fuck an incel. Not for anything
You already know the answer to everything you're asking here. You'll walk away hating men and feeling frustrated and used if you do go there. Throwing yourself at an incel doesn't lead to them being grateful. They're fundamentally flawed and will only shit on the women who dare to pity fuck them.
Hold out for a normal guy. It'll be worth the wait. You sound like you need to be single and work on your self esteem for a while too tbh. It's healthier to take time out to be single sometimes. Work on other aspects of your life in the meantime.
No. 194792
>>194765Honestly, just make the hard choice and rip the bandaid off. Grayrock them as much as possible afterwards.
I can personally understand the feeling of total decency and hopelessness that hinges on a relationship. And I tell you that you shouldn't feel bad, these people KNOW they are being manipulative. And they DO think of the next step, the next target to leech on, no matter how much they say they won't need it. Suicide is very rarely the absolute answer in someone's mind, especially when it's conditional. It's a sink or swim situation so don't let them pull you down too. Most baiters won't go through with it, the ones who died are mostly accidental BPD tantrum gone wrong. In which case, you should feel only spite for them.
No. 194937
>>194676Sorry you had to go through this too, anon. It's miserable. I don't even know what this girl looks like, all I know is he was willing to put everything into a potential relationship with her & just let ours crumble. And that's exactly what happened. I think you're right though.
>>194678I think he's just after the shiny and new aspect of finding someone. I just feel shitty that 7 years together meant absolutely nothing in the end.
>>194678Dang, your reply hit me hard. I don't really plan on jumping into a relationship any time soon, he really just completely destroyed my ability to trust and my self-esteem is absolute zero. It just feels like, if being together for years wasn't good enough, am I just not girlfriend material? It's just hard to go and do things for myself when I feel like I'm not really worth the effort. Your reply means a lot though, I know I'm in a funk, but reading your response gives me some hope.
No. 194939
>>194722I'm in the same boat as you right now, I want to rage at my ex and tell him how shitty he treated me, how much he wasted my time and effort and threw it back in my face, etc. It is taking every fiber of my being to hold myself back, but I know in the end when I've calmed down and gotten out of this mood, I'll be so grateful that I did.
Don't give him any more of your time or attention. He had that chance and shat on it. When I feel this way, I'll sit down and write it all up in an empty word doc & then delete it when I've finished, read it over, and processed the feelings I had to get out. I'm with you in spirit.
No. 194977
>>194976Honestly if I'm getting laid outside the relationship I don't care if he does too. But if Im staying home and he's out with someone else that would make me angry or sad. Idk if that's healthy lol.
I've never been a jealous person but I'm very sensitive to rejection.
If I feel wanted and desired I'm good. But I don't know if it's fair to say: you can only have a girlfriend if I do, otherwise it feels like you're choosing someone else over me.
No. 195002
>>194974No.
Stop watching so much porn.
No. 195007
>>194992>would you be allowed to fuck another guyYeah I don't foresee that being a problem at all, I'm just fixated on women at the moment so maybe it didn't come across that way. He isn't the jealous type either.
>>194983I think you have a good point that my self esteem and the relationship needs to be 100% secure. Part of me wonders if it's even possible though to have a happy healthy poly/open couple. Low key if everyone was actually mature and secure they could just communicate and meet each others needs instead of looking outside the relationship? Our relationship is healthy and we communicate well, so I wonder if this would actually make us happier or if it's a greedy childish fantasy.
>>195002I don't watch porn, is that a thing that porn makes you want to be poly? Or are you just calling me a coomer lol
No. 195008
Sorry to samefag but
>>195002Lol no, I'm late 20s he's early 30s. I just said Nigel as shorthand for good partner, I guess it's an outdated reference now
>>195005In the past I have asked him to sacrifice time with friends for me when I needed it and he did it, no questions asked,no resentment. When I'm being a drag he will be the one to ask me what's wrong and get me to talk it out, we both do that for each other so we don't really leave things to stew or abandon each other when things are difficult.
Do I know if he'll be that attentive when there's a fuck buddy waiting in the wings? I hope so, but I don't know.
No. 195011
>>195007I am calling you a coomer yes.
Also I don't trust people who say 'we're both not the jealous type', I'm not saying jealousy is healthy, but a certain degree of traditional, monogamous loyalty goes a long way. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, maybe I'm too young (24) to know any better, but I believe swapping energy with multiple people just isn't cool. Whoever says polyamory is 'fine if done right' is delusional. I could not imagine my bf inserting his penis inside another woman, that's a vulnerable, emotional moment for us, and if he was to share that part of his soul with someone else, I would die.
No. 195024
>>195011nta and not disagreeing but
>swapping energy>part of his soulcringe
No. 195028
>>194974I thought I got my 'sleeping around phase' out of my system young. Then I settled into a live-relationship and eventually found myself desperate to sleep with a woman while several years into that hetero relationship. I ended things and explored sleeping around again. He wasn't everything that I wanted so I left. It felt more fair than any of the alternatives, in the long run it hurt everyone less.
I've known too many poly people to even go there. It's a total shitshow from what I've seen them go through.
No. 195083
>>195080It seems kind of obvious
>>195082It's difficult to tell when you're an autist
No. 195114
>>195108Honestly, don't. Or at least give it some time to see if the feelings stay the same (like a looot of time). I know it seems exciting and everything, but I did the exact same thing in the past and developed feelings for a guy, while being like a month out of my last relationship. And, surprise, after like two months in I've realized that it WAS, in fact, a rebound, and that I just wanted to be loved and appreciated by someone, anyone. Also, just being in a new relationship so soon brought out a lot of unexpected hurt about the last one, it's a bad situation to be in for everyone involved. Never doing this shit again. You may think that you're over that person, but in fact you haven't given yourself enough time to heal and think and evaluate.
Also not worth risking potentially ruining a friendship over this imo. If all of that wasn't convincing enough, consider this: how would you feel if you knew that your guy friend just had a bad breakup and is making a move on you out of nowhere? Probably not great. There's a high chance that even if he reciprocates, it's constantly going to be on the back of his mind that he's likely just a temporary rebound, and that's not a good foundation for a relationship
No. 195118
>>193155>>193160I would also add:
>cares about your health and safetyI wouldn't say it's a must but it's nice to have
No. 195121
>>193314I had that same kind of problem with my last ex except he stopped having sex with me in general for the last 8 months of the relationship. I felt so disgusted at myself for wanting to be sexual with him (coming from a person who doesn't masturbates) when he obviously wasn't interested anymore. I found out after the breakup that he was sexually messaging other women while he was with me.
Since then I've been so put off and confused when guys compliment my body and how sexually attracted they are to me. Yet these guys don't want to be in a relationship with me. I would so love to find a balance where someone would be physical and want to be in a relationship rather than just one or the other.
No. 195184
Is my relationship heading to the wrong place?
First, I'll say that my boyfriend and I are both very jealous and possessive people. I wouldn't mind much if he talked to other girls (he has no interest in doing this, though), but he minds if I talk to other people. The more I talk to others, the less he wants to talk to me. He has friends but I don't, and if I want to make new friends I must exclude half the population, since he doesn't want me talking to males. An old (male) friend of mine contacted me and I wanted to ask him to come to my house or have a coffee but my boyfriend got really upset. He has also gotten upset before in the past over me talking to guys or telling him to go to therapy. This got to the point where I feel so dirty talking to other men, guilt consumes me. I think I'll stop contacting men altogether.
We're in a LDR and we have been dating for around three months, but he already wants to marry and is doing the paperwork to come see me. Once we met, we're moving together. Until someone pointed out how nuts that idea was, I never really gave it much thought. It is, indeed, too soon. Not only that, but what if it goes wrong and I'll find myself with no friends, no family, no money, no job, and no college education in a foreign country. He says he would never leave me, and I want to trust him because he's the loveliest man I know but, yeah.
Third issue: He has severe trust issues and paranoia, things he won't get help for since he thinks we should work on it together and that being with me will be enough to "fix" him. I don't think this is quite true.
Another thing, love bombing. Constantly. Never used against me, but it's there. He gives me gifts and compliments 24/7 which is cute and I appreciate but sometimes it makes me feel kind of… off. I don't know, he seems to think I'm perfect which I am not and I just don't want him to get bored of me when he finds out I'm a flawed individual. He says he can't go without me and would kill himself if I weren't there and I even said those things myself before and it used to be cute and romantic but now it's just kind of gruesome.
Sorry for typing so much.
No. 195190
>>195108I got out of a relationship before where affection and sex dwindled for a while, I was lonely for the last few months of living with him and then he came out about an affair which explained everything. I started to crush on a friend in the few weeks that followed and tbh me moving away put a halt to it and I'm so thankful for that stopping me and allowing me to take time for myself and not chase my feelings away with distraction like that. Two weeks post break up is rebound town. Your feelings of attachment can be easily just tranferred over to anyone else right now and that's not healthy attachment.
I would give it time. I'd process the loss of your last relationship (and any anger left behind) and I'm not even being funny..buy some toys if you need to. Prioritise friends and hobbies. Rushing to get affection after you've been feeling affection starved is undertsandable but this rarely leads to anything healthy or worthwhile. It means you never get to process your feelings, they pile up.
No. 195209
>>195184 >but he minds if I talk to other people. The more I talk to others, the less he wants to talk to me. He has friends but I don't, and if I want to make new friends I must exclude half the populationThere's no excusing the fact that he ever thought this was ok. No matter what he tells you now he's temporarily BSing you and he'll return to this controlling shit. Run for the hills.
The next 2 paragraphs are also independantly enough to warrant you leaving and never looking back. This man is unwell but he's unwell in the way where YOU will pay for it and suffer 1000 times more than he ever will. Don't pity him, don't believe his words now. Save yourself the pain the will lay ahead if you entertained his shit.
No. 195215
>>195205He said he was sorry and that he doesn't want to isolate you but did he talk about how he's going to improve his behavior? Do you feel comfortable now to hang out with other guys or are you still afraid of him being upset if you do? You're only three months in, this is the honeymoon stage of your relationship when guys are usually on their best behavior and he's still showing tons of red flags other than the isolation.
Nonnie, he doesn't seem like a good man at all. Please be careful and get out of this relationship, the issues you raised are not ones that can easily be changed. He needs professional help.
No. 195218
>>195215He said he will try not to be upset when I talk to other guys and that we can talk it out.
A problem is, he has lewd pictures of me, which I feel stupid for sending now. I haven't been sending them for long, but he has them. I'm scared of him posting those on 4chan or trying to doxx me. I would be utterly depressed and probably suicidal.
No. 195357
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recently broke up with a guy i've been dating for a year and i just gotta vent without worrying about being the bigger person.
this guy has been an emotional fucking vampire. all he ever did was use me for emotional comfort. never was he mutual with his emotions and actions. it was alwaaaaays me giving him comfort, especially after he told me he had "separation anxiety". fuuuuck that. more like he wanted me to be available to him whenever he needed it. if i said i was busy, he'd pout and give me the cold shoulder. it felt like i was being punished for having a life outside of him.
i hate that i didn't leave his ass earlier. i loved him so i gave him the benefit of the doubt, knowing what i knew about him. the little that he did open up, i realize it was just to keep under him. and it did work. when he went on about how he was the forgotten middle child, i reasoned away why he would be so rude talking over our friends, or showing less interest in their and my interests but talking at length and expecting everyone else to show interest in his hobbies.
fuck his sorry ass. i still feel shitty now about cutting him off, after trying to try being friends with him after i broke up with him. but i know it's gonna wear off soon.
his close "friends", and i use that term loosely because despite being "friends" with him for years none of them really care much for him anymore because they're realize he couldn't give a shit about them personally. he uses them to hangout and that's it. they've gone out of their way to be friends to him but he can't be bothered to do the same.
and now? after breaking up, they're hanging out with me and not him. and tbh i'm loving it. i genuinely care about them and take an interest in their lives, unlike him. his "best friend" has even admitted that if he had to pick sides, he'd choose mine after seeing how things have played out.
i'm definitely a dumb bitch for staying as long as i did. for suuuuure. i'm not a complete victim here. but damn it feels nice to get this off my chest and say what i feel. i feel used, i feel stupid, when i see him online doing shit as usual i feel sad and annoyed that he's not crippled by my absence.
but then i remember that he basically has no one now because of how he treated the people that actually cared about him. all he has is these shallow relationships with people who wouldn't give a fuck about him.
tl;dr i spent a year with an emotional black hole of a guy. gave him way too many chances after the honeymoon phase because i pitied him. finally broke up with him and all his close friends now prefer to hangout with me than him cus he treated them like shit.
No. 195450
>>195382You're right anon. He's really trying. Today I told him I wanted to dye my hair and instead of saying "Don't do that" he said, "I'm supportive." Isn't that progress?
>>195389I will try but all I have is his word.
No. 195455
>>195434if the guilt is too much to bear, tell him
normal straight men don't "count" lesbian affairs, if you get what I mean
No. 195486
>>195435>>195437>>195455Thank you anons. The guilt was eating me alive, and I told him everything as soon as I got the chance to in person. I had never drank that much with other people before and didn't realize I'd get like that, so I told him I'd stop drinking socially to ensure it never happens again. He was hurt of course but not angry, amazingly he forgave me and told me he still trusts me, and was really glad I told him right away and he hopes I can forgive myself. Im still incredibly ashamed and also horrified that I'm a cheater but grateful that he forgave me and glad I told him.
>>195439I don't want it to. This is the worst thing I've ever done. I don't even have feelings for the woman I cheated with and kind of never want to see her again, especially since I suspect she was not as drunk as me when it happened. But I'm still ashamed and want to accept my actions and keep from repeating them – what can I do (in addition to quitting drinking)?
No. 195538
Does anyone have any advice on my situation? Earlier in our relationship a lot of things happened that caused me to have trust issues and a lot of insecurities. Most of that is gone now but it's still affecting me. When we spend time together it usually makes me really happy, but he puts no effort in this at all. I can't have any type of plans for the future with him. We almost ended things a while ago, at which point he didn't talk to me for two weeks which really sucked. I tried talking to friends more and did stuff I usually like doing and I wasn't crying 24/7, but I felt incredibly empty and it was only getting worse instead of better as I would've expected.
After we started talking again I try to make sure that everything is according to his preferences. Spending time apart was helpful in a way and I can handle a lot of things better now I think, but even so, every time I voice any small complaint, or want to spend time with him more than he does, he immediately calls me insane. It's just really hurtful because I feel like I can't voice any negative thing I feel without him acting like I'm crazy. He voiced concerns that I would stalk him and threaten him with suicide if he ever tried to leave me - I never did anything to indicate this but he said he left someone in the past who threatened to kill herself so he experienced it. But when I thought he left me I didn't have a meltdown and was just trying to move on, even though I hoped that things would be resolved. Also, he thought that whenever we had a conflict it would cause me to eventually escalate things, when in reality my problems never went beyond crying and I wasn't secretly plotting my revenge. Often it feels like he doesn't even do the bare minimum but I can't say anything about it because wanting to feel at least a little bit loved makes me insane and clingy. He does have nice moments though, and irl he is really caring, but he really sucks at expressing that online most of the time. But there are so many things he does that I think most women wouldn't tolerate. Even so, he is the first person I really love and he can be really great, and I'm still hoping things will resolve themselves once I can go see him (I haven't been able to for a long time now because of covid, but hopefully it'll happen soon). He used to call me everyday, and because of my abandonment issues and his lack of reassurance it would make me scared to spend a day without that. In hindsight I should've given him more space, but I'm trying now. He still calls me often and usually most days, but there are also a lot of days when we just text. Which is mostly okay, but sometimes I feel lonely and I just want to be around him for a bit, but I can't express that without immediately being called out for being insane. That really hurts me. And when that happens he also says that I didn't change at all, which, yeah I can't change instantly, but I've been trying to give him more space and I generally complain a lot less about things than before the 2 week 'break' we had, and I even feel different about it internally, like it doesn't scare me so much anymore if he doesn't call me for a day or something. But sometimes I do feel like I'm clingy and the worst or like I just don't deserve to be cared for because I'm just inadequate. I'm just unsure what to do. Like I said there are still many things that make me happy with him, and usually it's really nice to spend time with him. But there are all of these issues that can make me miserable, but I'm not sure how I could ever move on when the time I thought I had to was just so horrible. I really want to stay with him but not sure what to expect. He is in his 30s and lives with his parents and has no income. I'm a lot younger but I have a lot of savings and really want a life with him, but he doesn't want that unless he has his own income, but doesn't really do anything for it. It's just hard because he doesn't trust me enough to live with me like this, but every time we have a minor conflict he says I'm not doing myself any favors and then I feel like I made him trust me even less and feel really guilty about it. I don't know if it makes me clingy to want to have a life with someone instead of focusing only on having a separate life and my own goals. I saved up for a masters that I'm starting in September, I have some things that I really like to do even on my own, I don't have a lot of friends but being social just isn't for me. But having someone to care about the way I care about him is really important to me, and I just can't substitute that with hobbies and goals. I would like to talk to him about these things but I feel like it just wouldn't end well.
No. 195543
>>195538anon please, get away from him. is it okay if I ask how big the age difference is? if this is a man in his 30s there's no way that he is 1. single for no reason and 2. treating you like this/acting like a teenage boy. this is gaslighting and manipulative at best, narcissistic behaviour at worst.
if he's your "first love" you're naturally going to feel this way, so reaching out for other's opinions is your first step and you're doing it, so be proud. I don't want to be harsh but this is NOT RIGHT and you should cut all contact. I highly suggest a hard block, and keep working on your own social life and goals. I know that might sound miserable but it'll do you wonders in the long term. there is only misery down this road for you if you continue to be with this man. he sounds awful. also, not to pry, can I ask what "But there are so many things he does that I think most women wouldn't tolerate" means? like, sexually/mentally/emotionally
abusive?
you don't have to "substitute" for hobbies and goals, but you're substituting for a loving relationship. if he's making you do things you don't want to do, making you question yourself, having to be less affectionate because it might set him off? you can't live walking on eggshells.
I really hope you're safe and okay, and if you have those savings and plans focus on keeping yourself on track. he doesn't deserve you.
sorry if this came off as harsh in any way, I've just been in an extremely similar position as well as several of my female friends and these men are genuinely only out for themselves. I wish you the best of luck. please, if he does anything you feel is overstepping consider them red flags. I would even start writing down FACTS of what he's done/keeping a log so you know when you're sane and he's calling you otherwise.
love you
nonny you got this.
No. 195547
>>195543It's 10 years. I can't really feel it though, I briefly dated someone a couple of years ago who was mid-thirties and it was super obvious and made me feel uncomfortable. He has been sitting at home since high school and barely goes outside, which doesn't bother me, it's just at the same time he is so set on only being more committed to me if he is independent, even though I offered to pay for rent and stuff.
About the things others wouldn't tolerate - he is not monogamous, but was never really open about this, I just found out along the way and mostly by the time I was too invested to leave. For about a year I was made to hang out with another girl a lot (only online and he never met her irl) - it always made me anxious beforehand, I never looked forward to it. I tried to become friends with her but whenever I shared my problems she kinda latched onto my insecurities and I found it really
toxic and damaging to have her in my life. She eventually ended up leaving him. The other girl he talked to also ended up leaving (he wouldn't meet up with her because she was overweight. And I pretty much had to keep it a secret that I met him because I knew it would've hurt her incredibly to know), but I talked to her a lot and we shared a lot of similar problems with him. I had really bad conflicts with the first girl, and whenever I talked about it to him he just couldn't be asked to deal with it, or called me jealous and immature. I never expected to be in a situation like that and I think even actual polyamorous people have jealousy and conflicts all the time, but somehow he expected it to work forcing generally insecure, monogamous people together and then just not taking any responsibilities to make them feel reassured. There were a lot of things that came from that situation that were really damaging to me.
I never want that dynamic again, and it ended around January last year. It does feel a lot better not having to deal with that. I don't think he talks to anyone else serious rn just because of how he is handling some things, but it's still not a good feeling. I had a guy friend who he got really mad about at some point, that was probably the only time he was explicitly upset with me, even though nothing was actually going on with him and he was just a friend I talked to sometimes. He said he was disgusted with me etc. because the guy wanted to meet me and I said yes because I was too awkward to say no - I didn't even want to go through with it, and I showed my boyfriend the conversation so it wasn't like I was doing it behind his back. But then if I get insecure then it's immature and jealous.
Earlier in our relationship he used to put me on timeouts if I didn't do something he wanted. It was mostly just stupid things and it was not too serious, even though no contact is horrible for me. But at one point he told me to message a girl he found online for him, obviously I hated the idea but he said he'd put me on a timeout if I didn't. I barely knew him at that point, I didn't know how I wasn't supposed to take a lot of the things he did seriously. I just felt really coerced and humiliated. There were a lot of things like this. Luckily this stuff has stopped and it feels like a monogamous relationship now, except for knowing he could cheat on me any time and it would be my fault if I felt sad about it. As a result, I'd rather not know, but it also makes it harder to trust him.
The problem is that usually I feel like myself around him and it's fun, it's just that I'm making all of the compromises because his solution to everything is that if I don't like it then I should leave because he is the way he is and I shouldn't try to change him - but that apparently doesn't apply to me when he put me in a situation that was the last thing I wanted - I can't change being monogamous and not being sexually attracted to women. I don't want to have a threesome. But he tried really hard to change that, even though it really hurt me. In comparison, the things I tried to 'change' about him was asking him to tell me if he didn't want to call me instead of being dismissive, or reassure me that he still cares about me, etc.
But when I talk about all the bad things he comes across as really awful, even though he helps me with a lot of things, when I went to see him he was amazing and caring and even online I love hanging out with him and our relationship is a lot better than how it used to be, at least for the most part.
I know that if I could live with him I wouldn't bother him 24/7, I'm content doing my own things as well but he doesn't trust that. But I can't not feel like a relationship is really important to me. I don't particularly want kids, but I know it's important to some people - like it was the thing my stepmom wanted the most, even if she has hobbies and loves her job and has friends, it was so important to her and it would've been unfair to tell her to just stop caring so much about it and focus on other stuff. That's how I feel about this relationship. It's so important to me and I don't want to feel like it isn't, that doesn't mean I have no life outside of it. But I feel like that is kind of normal, though at this point I'm lowkey doubting that because what if I am too clingy. But it still feels like I'm not, and the times I might've been could've been mitigated by him being a bit more attentive, but of course he wouldn't do that because that would apparently teach me that I can get things by crying or complaining.
Thanks for the support, you're really kind. I just feel like it's impossible to leave, because whenever I start feeling bad he soon after does something nice or spends time with me, but also the one time I thought he left me was worse than how some of the things he does make me feel. I wish I wasn't so stupidly attached though. I thought intense feelings of love are supposed to fade after around 6 months or a year, but it's been around 3 years now and I'm still infatuated. I just don't get it.
But it also hurts when he calls me out for having no life - I have 60k in savings (not that it's a huge amount or anything but after having $0 at one point and being completely dependent on student loans then my dad it makes me feel good), I love drawing and try to practice it a lot, I like playing video games, I work out a lot, got accepted to multiple universities, I got a cat recently, and I'm trying to find ways to improve. I don't have a big social life but I tried it in the past and it isn't for me. I'm not judging him but he has been sitting at home accomplishing nothing apart from learning some programming since he finished high school, he wants to make games but isn't working hard on it, and only talks to people online, so I'm not sure how I don't have a life while he does.
No. 196036
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>>196010I have a scat fetish but would never want anything to do with it in real life, but even I have never revealed it to a soul I know personally. Run or have a talk but be prepared to (run)
No. 196042
>>196012>>196027>>196036thank you ladies, i'm just so conflicted because we like so many of the same niche games and interests but this just really caught me by surprise.
i told him that i'm not comfortable with doing that stuff at all & he was fine & didn't expect me to, but it's still making me feel weird knowing he's into that
No. 196046
>>196042There's likely a much higher number of fart/scat fetishists in the world than we'd ever know but like other anon said.. many just keep it to themselves. They don't share it or feed into to too much by making it known to others.
The concerning part is that he shared this with a woman he's just been talking to for a lil bit. Men share their fetishes with women when they want their fantasy entertained and fulfilled. He's testing the waters because he's a fetishist who wants to actually act on it and find a willing partner to do this with someone. If he had no intentions of finding that he would keep those thoughts to himself like many do. I wouldn't run purely because of the fetish itself but because he was so willing to put it out there and you guys sound like you're not even a thing yet. He's testing the waters and probably now backtracking and saying it's not a big thing but.. if you're not willing then he's likely looking for someone who is or he's indulging in alot of scat porn or online chats to scratch that itch for him.
No. 196050
>>196028So you're uncomfortable over something 1. you have no proof even is a thing
>I feel likeand even within your unsubstantiated worry he's not even talking to these women, just didn't unfollow them?
Not everyone thinks of deleting everyone they've even flirted with in the past once they get a stable relationship, not out of malicious reasons but it just doesn't cross their mind. If he's not talking to these women what are the odds really they're any danger, just existing out there?
Ultimately though, if it really bothers you this much, you should openly talk with him about your worry and what couls be done about it. It will be uncomfortable but you shouldn't bottle things up under the assumption someone will be upset because it's not how healthy relationships work. Just focus on how you feel about it, not accuse him of anything if there's no real suspicion.
No. 196051
>>196028If you unfollowed people right at the beginning it would've been ideal to talk it out back then. It sounds like you didn't but it should be ok to ask these things now. There's a differnece between asking a partner to drop all friends of the opposite sex and just asking that they don't have people they casually talked to romanatically/sexually hanging around on their socials. If you're only asking about the latter and you've been considerate enough to already do the same on your end.. you should be able to bring this up in a calm way adn talk it out like adults. As long as you're chill in the way you ask he has no reason to flip out. If he reacts angrily that'd be an indication of something in itself.
Communicate on it now before it becomes a bigger thing. His reaction to being asked may tell you alot about him. Good or bad.
No. 196055
>>195538>>195547>calls you insane, humiliates you>doesn't put in base effort>mid thirties, doesn't have income, doesn't have a job, lives with his parents, doesn't leave the house>not monogamous>but gets angry with you when you try to meet a guy in a friendly manner>puts you on timeouts as if you're a child or a dogYou're dating a lost cause anon. Just any one of these things are worth breaking up over and you've got a whole list of it. Tbere's literally nothing worth salvaging here. Not sure what kind of advice you thought you'd get here other than the one wise thing to do and that's breaking up with this mess.
>having someone to care about the way I care about him is really important to meHe's not the only man on this planet you could be caring about. But in order to open yourself up to the possibility of caring for a higher quality man that's actually worth your caring, you need to cut this crap out of your life first.
But honestly, considering after all of this, you still put up with him, probably means you need some sort of therapy or professional health because putting up with this kind of behaviour says a lot about you and your self-respect and/or mental health.
No. 196193
>>195547Anon, read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You're in a relationship with an abuser. Emotional abuse, but nonetheless it is extremely damaging.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdfYou have a lot of good things going on for you right now. Make no mistake, continuing to allow this parasite to leech off you will eventually make your life and emotional state (which is already very compromised) worse than it already is. Everything
>>196055 said is spot on and like she noted at the end, a healthy person would not entertain even one of this guy's issues, much less like the twenty he has. You need to leave. You have a warped,
toxic, false view of what love and affection is. Everything surrounding this man is a bastardization of it. You will only achieve real happiness by being free of his sick influence.
>I thought intense feelings of love are supposed to fade after around 6 months or a year, but it's been around 3 years now and I'm still infatuated. I just don't get it.It's not love, it's called trauma bonding. Every time the abuse cycle repeats (building tension–blow up–reconciliation/honeymoon period–calm) your ties to him get stronger. Try not to let it go on much longer, because the more it repeats the harder they are to break.
No. 196194
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>>196193Also, picrel.
Abusive relationships create a Stockholm syndrome-like scenario. Thank god you don't live with him because that would only make it harder, but this further expresses that the "fight/recover/hope things get better" repetition is only furthering unhealthy, codependent obsession and is not indicative of love. You are mentally compromised right now and you need to drop all contact with him and have checks in place that prevent you from breaking that boundary, because you will want to. Leaving an
abusive relationship is akin to trying to break a drug addiction cold turkey (literally, the brain chemistry is similar) so you need to make sure you don't relapse by contacting him again.
No. 196640
I don't know what to do about my boyfriend anymore. We see each other a lot, but it's mostly just to make/have food or go to the gym together. If we're just hanging out, he's frequently doing student organization shit or trying to respond to an email or something else on his phone so he practically shouts "busy" at me when I try to start a conversation a lot of the time. If someone on the road to my place pisses him off, which seems to happen every day, he'll come through the door angry and rant about it for five minutes. Also almost every day, he complains about having to clean up after his shitty roommates who are genuinely shitty but I'm tired of hearing the same things about them all the time. Outwardly, he's a nice and considerate person, but around me he might as well be fucking Hitler as played by Charlie Chaplin for how many impassioned rants about meaningless bullshit he delivers. I've complained about this tendency to him before, and he got really upset and said he lives a stressful life so it's not really his fault. He does, but he also stresses himself and me out further by pulling this shit. Fortunately none of it is ever directed at me, but it's still enough to make me seriously consider leaving.
No. 196647
>>196640Why stay? Your boyfriend is stressing you out. This is who he is. He wont change. Leave or shut up and put up with it.
Would you let your friends stress you out? If not them dont let him stress you out either
No. 196670
>>196640>I've complained about this tendency to him before, and he got really upset and said he lives a stressful lifeThis is "emotionally bankrupt scrote 101" anon. When a partner approaches you saying something you did hurt them, the normal & healthy response is to shut up, listen, apologize and then come up with a plan regarding how to prevent that behavior from happening again. You do this the first time they bring it up because you care about them and
enjoy learning ways to make them more happy/comfortable. That is, if you actually love them. If you instead bitch about your partner requesting basic human decency and double down on the behavior, then you really don't give a shit about them and just want free reign to use them as a venting board. He's showing you who he is. You going to listen? Is this really the type of partner you want, someone who can't even manage everyday stress? Imagine how he'd be in a real crisis and ask yourself if you want someone who's going to rant and scream and pull his hair out when your parents are dying, when you need to call for help after a car accident, when you need to figure out how to come up with quick cash and so on. He's sure as fuck not gonna be your rock, he's going to be the toddler throwing a tantrum in a corner, and you'll be mummy trying to calm him down. How romantic.
No. 197047
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My boyfriend of 3 months has become reluctant/not as eager to have sex with me because I like foreplay beforehand (hurts otherwise bc I'm not ready physically, but also it's just enjoyable to take it slow). He says he's never been with a girl who couldn't have sex on the spot and that he's not into foreplay, that it's boring, and he's not into it because I'm not really responsive. I try to be responsive but I often have to correct what he's doing with his hands so I start focusing on that and he doesn't want to do oral so we just don't end up having sex for days.
Feels kinda bad because my last relationship was a dead bedroom for like 5 years and now I'm scared I'm in that situation again because he can't get over the fact that some women need to be warmed up a little first. I don't even get how he can feel the way he does when I love teasing him with oral or just touching and kissing him before sex. It makes me feel close to him and I'm happy that he's enjoying himself. So what the fuck? What do?
No. 197071
>>193118>>197047I'm really sorry to hear that, anon. It's very telling of him as a bf when he isn't willing to go out of his way to make you comfortable in such an intimate setting. It's very selfish of him.
I feel like the longer you stay with him you'll discover how this attitude will spill into other aspects of your relationship and this is absolutely unacceptable. I believe you'll find the one anon! It just isn't him.
No. 197086
>>197047I don't say this lightly as some of the other anons on here do, but for the love of God dump him. He does not care about you or your happiness in anyway, he is literally using you for sex and he has shown you forthright that he will not even consider changing to please you. He is a parasite leeching off you because you make his dick feel good. That is all he is.
Like holy shit, rip his self-esteem apart and walk out that door rn anon, he will make you miserable. Out there is a guy who will happily spend all the time with foreplay you want, give you oral, and make you feel like your enjoyment matters too.
LADIES PLEASE STOP ENTERTAINING THESE PIECES OF WALKING SHIT. YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER.
No. 197091
>>197047Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't care about your physical pleasure?
>He says he's never been with a girl who couldn't have sex on the spotHe is now, so he's the one who should adjust, not you. Also, it sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you btw. I'd say it's time to say goodbye. You communicated your needs crystal clearly and he's ignoring them
No. 197097
>>197047>3 monthsAnonita… this is as good as he gets. This is meant to be the happy time where your hormones are crazy and you can't stop touching each other. He's lazy and this is him on his best behaviour.
If you stay with this selfish idiot, your self-esteem will tank and you will succumb yourself to pleasureless sex that you force yourself to have to get a sliver of intimacy, and it will leave your mental health damaged.
You deserve better than that!
No. 197101
>>197047I hate that foreplay is somehow not perceived as sex. It's often for women what PIV is for men. It's so sexist to 'not be into' foreplay.
And I'm 100% sure he's lying about women being ready for sex on spot, even porn has some kind of foreplay in it and our body literally can't be ready on spot without getting turned on for lubrication. So either he had painful and dry sex with his ex-partners (no wonder they are ex now) or he's lying to be lazy. Drop the asshole and shame his bad sexual skills or ugly dick for maximum damage.
No. 197183
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>>197171I suuuuck at verbal flirting (it comes off as overly crude or autistic lol), so I use body language instead. Eye contact, touching my lips, touching his hand/shoulder, getting close to him, drawing attention to my chest, etc. I also have a high voice so I slow myself down and really
enunciate my words, which makes me seem a little more breathier or sultry
No. 197193
I feel bad that I am starting to lose attraction for my bf. He's getting really deep in the whole femboy thing. Makeup, skirts, knee socks, etc. It kind of grosses me out even though I don't usually mind when guys I don't interact with do it. I think I'm learning he's not actually my type at all. He's usually sub and I don't mind being dom sometimes, but when he's dom in both bed and in general I genuinely feel much happier. I also find myself getting much more irritated when he talks lately. He doesn't know when to shut up sometimes and it irks me and he's always showing me stupid memes, TikToks, or tweets. It's like he can't even go a moment without being on his phone unless we're playing games or watching a movie. When we eat, when we're just hanging out in the bathroom while I'm getting ready, when we're about to sleep, etc. I'm getting so sick of it. And he's so annoying about me being bi. He makes such a big deal about how he wants to get me a flag for my room even though I always fucking tell him I do not want one because I don't think it's such a big fucking deal. Another thing that really bothers me is his view on troons and he knows my opinion on it and I even show him stuff that basically explain why I feel the way I feel yet he doesn't give a shit at all. There's a MtF streamer (who doesn't even present as female at all) who he watches and whenever he forced me to watch some retarded clip he told me, "You better respect her." When I didn't even say anything at all. It's taken a lot of me not to shit on his doorstep and I know what I have to do I just needed to let it out because I have zero irl and online friends to talk about my retarded rants with so apologies for my post being all over the place.
No. 197197
File: 1625885690484.jpg (1.25 MB, 3024x4032, rip.jpg)
>>197194It depresses me because he's a genuine qt outside of the stuff that I complained about so to know he's most likely heading down that path makes me want to kms.
No. 197392
>>197391This isn't too uncommon when relationships start young and go on to last… there's a youth that some people wonder if they missed out on. From sleeping around to just having the oppurtunity to make all your decisions solo. In a way it's healthy that he wants to live alone rather than jumping into living together and just never experiencing solo renting. I also get your frustration though.
One comforting thought is that at least you didn't marry/have kids or commit to something messy like a mortgage before he hit this realization. That happens alot too and it only adds insult to injury.
Do you feel any desire to be single or to date around? It's shitty that you're expected to wait around tbh. I wouldn't live in limbo like that. It sounds like he's done but selfishly hanging on just in case the grass isn't so green on the other side… that's not fair to you. He's one foot out the door already. I woudln't feel too bad about just taking the reigns and ending it if I were you.
No. 197399
>>197396If he's 28 right now, already 8 years into being with you and he's not living with his mom anymore it would appear this is him telling you he's not on the same page as you. As much as you might want to think it's his moms influence..this is a guy with his own place who's approaching 30 and wanting to see if the single life is better than dating you. It's harsh but this guy is done and that's all on him.
I've been blindsided by break ups before, thinking that we're doing great and that we've built something really special. I don't know if it's a male thing but they often do appear to just drop what feels like a functioning relationsnhip in favor of 'exploring their options' I've learnt that the hard way.
No. 197400
>>197391I wish I could hug you anon. I know exactly what you're going through, I've been there very recently myself. On one hand I can kind of see his point, if he only now gets to experience what it's like to live his life the way he wants to, of course he enjoys it and subconsciously he might be thinking moving in with you will trap him again. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make him not feel this stupid urge. Nada. It goes way deep into one's self and ego. It's up to him to figure this shit out, and I hope he's rational and smart to do the right thing and to come up with some kind of an answer for you. Because he must realize keeping you in this uncertainty is very damaging to both you and your relationship.
Oh and "it's not you, it's me" fuck that hot shit. Of course it's about you too, you've been together for 8+ years, it's impossible to separate these things. Yes he's 100% the cause of this problem, but now that it's been brought to light it affects both of you and you feel just as shitty and responsible for the possible outcome as he does, even more than he does! You were served the worse end of the stick. He at least has the option to choose, but you can do nothing but passively sit wait and helplessly overthink everything. Fuck I'm mad.
There's only one advice I can give: as much as you feel like it's not a priority right now, focus on yourself. Try do do things that make you happy, try new hobbies, go out, live a fulfilled life. Because if he gets the idea that's he's really hurting you he might find it an easy way out, to break up with you and play it off like he did the right thing to ease his guilt. Talk to him, but carefully so you don't overdo it. It's a painful conversation and having too much of it will have an opposite effect. Try balancing between looking confident and happy without him, but also make him feel the consequences of not having you in his life. Best of luck, and remember that you also have the option to end the relationship if it becomes unbearable. And if you do, the more power to you.
No. 197481
File: 1626081089719.png (Spoiler Image,7.69 MB, 1125x2436, 7B49556A-7668-43E4-AD12-1A8167…)
>>197480if your friends have someone they think you’d like and you trust them, it makes sense to give them a chance. as for dating apps, the experience is largely negative but rarely people find a healthy relationship through it. best part of it is being able to practice talking to new people, since you can just stop interacting with someone at any time. other positive is the embarrassing profiles and nonsensical interactions you will get from others. i would always capture the stuff that made me laugh. think of it as sifting through garbage for gold, but occasionally there’s funny stuff in the garbage to take picture of.
No. 197486
Things are going too well… We are entering our second year together and all we want to do is spend every second of the day with each other. It's obviously not all great, or I wouldn't be posting here, but I feel like we've established a precedent now that we can't move beyond.
Each day (so much so now due to work from home options) we cuddle, sleep in, watch the same television shows, go back to cuddling when we start to get bored, sit on top of each other, exercise together, cook lunch together, shame each other for using our phones if we start not to give the other any attention, play Stardew Valley on the switch, cook dinner together, order wine/beer into the house and drink it of a night, shower together (morning and night), have sex (every. single. night.), fall asleep cuddling.
Now this is all great. The reason we do all this is because everything was/is going so well. I have never been as in love as I am with a person/just committed to them in such a certain way/functioning so well in a relationship…. but honestly, it's a lot. It sometimes feels like too much. Occasionally, because of our jobs, we spend nights away from each other…. and I have to pretend that I am just as upset when we do, but actually it is such a fucking relief! that I can browse the websites I want to, play the games I want to, get a moment to myself to read outside, MASTURBATE! (I was single for a long time this is a self-care/regulatory thing for me), just browse shitty social media sites, listen to music with HEADPHONES! jesus I miss headphones.
Basically. We are too in love. I feel like we are forgetting ourselves and the outside world and are way too focused on us as a couple and a relationship. But up until recently, I was a completely willing participant and as much to blame for it getting this way. How do I pull back? How do I establish some space again? Really, more than anything, I can't keep having sex again and again, every single night… I really need space to regenerate how horny I feel when our bodies are constantly on display so candidly and mundanely in the shower, bathroom, getting dressed, and forever naked when we sleep.
No. 197489
>>197486Just say it like it is - "hey I need more space and alone time, we've been breathing down each other's neck too much lately". You know, communicate directly what you want. This will start a conversation about your personal space/time boundaries.
If he doesn't seem willing to respect those boundaries, drop him.
>We are too in loveThat's not love, love doesn't feel suffocating and there can never be too much love. There can however be too much intimacy. Get your precious privacy back. Privacy is necessary for having basic human dignity.
No. 197856
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hi nonitas, I'm this >>194016 anon again. My boyfriend has thankfully not brought the word up again BUT to keep a long story short, he was extremely and oddly condescending last night after I said "ew" in response to something, which i always have and he asked me why I said that (to be fair he had brought it up before a few times too, "why do you always say 'ew'?"), I said because i found it gross and thought he would drop it like the previous times but instead he told me it didn't fit the context, then gave an example of something that would be "ew" and I asked what his problem with the word was and we started having friendly banter, he said that i was using it inappropriately and i told him that was subjective, then he said it's a childish word for childish people and I told him kids aren't the only ones that say ew and didn't know where he was getting that from and then he went to the fridge and got out a juicebox and gave it to me and said it was for me because children drank juiceboxes. At the time i didn't realize he had obviously planned it, i mean, he had to buy the juicboxes, and hide them, because i never saw them, and was waiting for that moment. Instead I thought he was trying to be condescending and drank from the juicebox and taunted him because the "juice tastes better out of a box" and that it was a shame he couldn't enjoy it because he thought it was only for children. He was just kinda laughing and picked me up and said it was "beddy-bye time, missy" and that he was going to read me a "bedtime story" since i wanted to act like a child. I shouldn't have let him do it but I let him carry me to bed. He didn't tell me a story or anything because i changed the conversation and we talked about our day instead. It wasn't sexual, we just fell asleep afterwards and i also looked for signs to see if he was horny but he wasn't, so that put my mind somewhat at ease. I say somewhat because i am angry he infantilized me now thinking back and because i was the one unbelievably horny. I'm very ashamed of my self to say the least, idk how to feel.>>197853I'm so sorry you had to read that anon! i spoiled since it's kind of ddlg/ageplay-esque gross, i know.
No. 197886
>>197856This is really not ok, he's trying to force you into a fetish
and manipulating your behavior/feelings at the same time. Get away from this creep, please.
No. 197887
>>197873Uh why are you encouraging this? Don't you see how bad this could get from a beginning like that? The fact he planned out this manipulative act involving anon
without her consent and manipulated her feelings. There is no discussion, he already set the situation in place with what he wants.
He decides what he wants to do to anon and manipulates her into it. If he was the kind of guy to discuss her boundaries and wants he would have done that beforehand, instead of launching into DDLG ageplay behavior without anon's consent.
No. 197889
>>197873>>197887Samefag, quote from anon
>It's like he circumvented the boundary i implied was there when i told him i thought calling a partner daddy was gross. A man who circumvents boundaries from the get-go is not going to make an agreement with anon about what she wants, and keep to it. It's all about him. It's delusional to suggest they discuss this together and make rules for a fetish anon has already made clear she is uncomfortable being part of.
No. 197950
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>>197887>>197886>>197875>>197872>>197874you guys, i think i may be the perverted one and was projecting after giving it alot more thought than I should've because he took a juice box to work this morning for himself????? I made his lunch and put it in his bag and he checked to see what and then just went to the fridge got a juice box and threw it in there, so. He might just have been making fun of me, he tends to mock me playingly alot. I was going to bring it up yesterday but couldn't find the right moment to
No. 197952
>>197950it might be better i didn't bring it up because then he might have thought i'm weird for thinking he bought the juice boxes to pull that on me, when he clearly did just to take to work(?
idk
No. 197953
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guy i flirted with heavy at a party asked me out but he has a gf(i just found out) what do? dont say block him ive never felt this type of intense attraction and lust towards anyone since my teenage horny years but i have the willpower to not fuck him because i'd have that guilty conscience until i die. I want to ask him in person if he has a gf but what do i even do if he says yes sit down and talk about my feelings? this is such a shitty situation
No. 197959
>>197953imagine yourself as the gf and him going behind your back like that
then block him
No. 197966
>>197953if he says yes just say "understandable, have a nice day" and then leave.
>>197964it'll be more easy for him to lie over text, if you ask irl and he says no, you can always kind of gauge his face and reaction to see if he might be lying. Also have him explain why someone would say he has a gf, he couldn't possibly come up with something fast, or you can gauge his tone etc
No. 197975
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>>197966i'm so confused with whats going on but i have to hear it from him, for context it was my roommates grad party and apparently almost everyone at the party knew about the gf(its long-term) but no one warned me and people who didnt know were egging me on to make a move on him. Plus, couple of weeks before the party my roommate who is his friend was casually like oh i have this friend(him) i'll set you(me) up with him, i forgot about this by the time of the party but i happened to like him and when i realized it was him she was talking about before i thought he must be single if she was thinking of setting me up with him????who sets a taken guy with another girl??? fast forward she's saying he has a gf(she didnt even tell it to me btw roommate told it to another friend and that friend told me and i had to ask the roommate directly to confirm), i feel so stupid i feel like i made a fool out of myself at the party
No. 197976
>>197873>>197950He got defensive when you said "ew" about his fetish and then sneakily circumvented your obvious implicit boundaries, so it's kind of a moot point whether he bought the juice specifically for this or not. He's behaving very poorly towards you.
One thing I will say is your posts seem to trail off in a "… but maybe I actually like this?" direction, especially your first one, but it also really doesn't seem like you like this at all. It seems more like you're making excuses for him/for yourself not managing to communicate perfectly. I think your best chance at fixing this (other than dumping him for repeatedly disrespecting boundaries) is to have a very clear
zero banter conversation about this with him, explaining what you do or don't like and that you're legit uncomfortable with him doing some of this even if in the moment it seemed harmless, with no room for him to decide you're "just being coy" or whatever. But I should stress that none of this should be your responsibility in the first place, it's an issue of him not being able to recognise boundaries, so please don't shy away from making the conversation a serious one.
No. 197986
File: 1626375188414.jpg (29.49 KB, 400x533, EsM8KtDXIAYNWTJ.jpg)
>>197976>obvious implicit boundariesI never really told him I wouldn't call him it, just told him i found it gross, and after he brought it up again after despite me saying that i finally asked why he wanted me to say it and he said he didn't know so I left it at that, and posted about it. The replies convinced me that this was definitely not something i wanted to call him and i was hoping for the next time he brought it up so i could tell him i wasn't going to call him it and to quit asking so it was clear to him that way he couldn't ever say he interpreted my silence to mean yes or that i'm thinking about it anymore. He didn't bring it up so I didn't get my chance and this happened instead.
>it's kind of a moot point whether he bought the juice specifically for this or notyeah i know that still doesn't explain the baby-talking, but again, idk if he was just playing and it has nothing to do with the daddy thing. Plus he also just has a very fatherly personality? not just towards me, but towards his mom, his sister, his grandma, his younger cousins, his friends. Like just a few days ago he was helping his friend file job applications, literally an adult man helping another adult man.
>One thing I will say is your posts seem to trail off in a "… but maybe I actually like this?" direction, especially your first one, but it also really doesn't seem like you like this at allThe only thing I don't like at all is that I DO like it. I was unsure before, but I got my confirmation by becoming unmistakably aroused. I can't try to lie to myself or say it was something else that made me feel that way. It usually takes alot for me to get horny, and lengthy foreplay, but it was instant with this. If he had wanted to have sex I probably would have let him. I really don't know how I willed myself to sleep. The only reason I don't think this is ageplay or ddlg though is because I didn't feel myself regress or anything? I think I'm just the weird one with a normie boyfriend, I will just stop it as soon as it starts next time if it does and not engage, I should've slapped the juice box out of his hand.
No. 197987
>>197986I think you're making a lot of excuses for him because you love him a lot and you don't want him to be creepy. I had
abusive experiences as a kid with an adult and for awhile I thought I was into weird fetishes like that, but I think you are still traumatized from your past experiences and are attracted to the idea of being taken care of because you didn't have that as a kid. You keep replying like you're afraid you're the one who's a creep and your bf is normal, but he was the one who brought up being called daddy and stuff. It's normal for you to have complicated feelings about fetishes like this but I'm glad you are not indulging them because it is self-destructive. Think about how creepy it is that a man would get off on this weird larp, not about your own feelings about it if that makes sense.
You mention he has a fatherly personality already, but think about it. If he picked up his sister or his younger cousins and did that weird baby-talk, bedtime story thing he did with you, wouldn't you be weirded out? What about if he did it to one of his female friends? Would you be able to excuse it the same way, or is it definitely something intertwined with being romantic/sexual? Even if you guys didn't end up having sex, it still seems really weird to me. I'm glad that you're nipping it in the bud and you understand that you "liking" it is unhealthy, but my advice is to look at your bf's behavior more carefully because he might be subtle about his interest in these kinds of fetishes now that he knows you're against them. It sounds paranoid but I've seen it happen, where a guy eases his gf into things she's not interested in and she gives in because she thinks she likes it due to past abuse. It's a trauma response and moids manipulate that.
No. 198003
>>197987>he was the one who brought up being called daddy and stuffI feel like the word daddy just has been meme'd into relationships and that may be why he brought it up.
>If he picked up his sister or his younger cousins and did that weird baby-talk, bedtime story thing he did with you, wouldn't you be weirded out? What about if he did it to one of his female friends?Well if he did it with them, it wouldn't be in a romantic/sexual way, so I would think it wasn't romantic/sexual when he did it with me? but he hasn't done anything similar with them…. So i'm tempted to think he did it in a romantic way? maybe
>but my advice is to look at your bf's behavior more carefully because he might be subtle about his interest in these kinds of fetishes now that he knows you're against themThis actually is something I was thinking about. I thought the daddy thing was odd but that it was all there was to it. Then this happens and I'm not sure if it's part of the tip of the iceberg/related. I feel if i talk to him about it and say something negative, he'll stop being uninhibited, so that's why i've held off.
>>197990He didn't get off to it at all, he fell asleep before me, and I swear he wasn't even a little bit horny despite having a higher libido than me, he didn't do or say any of the things he does when he is, plus I looked specifically to see if he was.
I feel i'm shitting up the thread now and I've mostly just been venting this whole time so i'll stop now and update later if anything happens or i make a decision. Really sorry about that I just don't have friends to talk to this about to get input from especially no female ones.
No. 198017
>>197989>Imagine being so pathetic you're letting a scrote who will start balding in a few years override your morals.i needed to hear this, ilysm
nonnie, done and done im ghosting him
No. 198078
>>198070It's kind of alarming that you'd be engaged to someone and still keeping it secret. How long were you dating before the engagement?
I wasn't yet diagnosed when I was in my last live-in relationship. I have a lot of sensitivity to noise and that became a huge issue because my partner thought I was being unreasonable when I needed so much quiet time at home. He didn't understand why it was such an issue for me. Post diagnosis we broke up, as in immediately after my diagnosis. We'd lived together for 3 years prior to that. Harsh as this sounds..quirks and mental health issues can be worked on and can improve in the long run but autism is a permanent thing you can't change. That's why it's so important for partners to know this upfront. If he's blaming your eccentricities on other factors he might be signing up thinking you can change.
I think being engaged before living together is premature too tbh, its not ideal for non autistic relationships either but especially with autism/sensory issues to contend with. Sharing a living space can be hard, autism makes it harder. You need to see how that works out for a while first.
No. 198093
>>198070For millennia people with what's now called aspergers married and lived normally. Contrary to what other anons are saying, it's perfectly ok to just be considered weird, and not use the newest psych buzzwords to define yourself to your loved one.
Asperger's was coined just a few years ago, what do those anons think people did until then lol. It's silly to put such weight on something people didn't even recognize as a "problem" until like yesterday.
No. 198210
So my boyfriend kind of raised his voice at me today and I don't know how to feel. I had some problem (not related to him) and I wanted some support. He was busy but he called me, but he didn't want to talk about it and we just watched a show. But I kept trying to talk about it because I just really wanted him to be there for me, and he got so annoyed, his voice got really cold and hateful. It was over the phone but he never talked to me this way before. I like BDSM and I like him being aggressive with me in that context, but this wasn't that. He wasn't shouting but I could tell he was extremely irritated. Am I overreacting? I knew he was busy, but he was just at home doing something, nothing that would've prevented him from talking to me a bit aside from him not wanting to. Maybe I should've just appreciated him giving me any attention despite not feeling like it (since he really hates doing that when he wants alone time), but I just feel so weird now. I tried apologizing and explaining why I was upset, but he said he didn't want my apologies or explanations and I should just leave him alone. He said everything was okay but he wants to chill by himself. We had issues of me not giving him enough space in the past and I'm trying to work on that. Just feels like I failed at that again because I wanted more than he was willing to give and I fucked it up again. And I can't even apologize because it just annoys him. I guess I just don't know how to feel because I only had two relationships in the past, and neither of them got irritated like this with me. And he was always so calm except for one occasion, but that was a long time ago.
No. 198223
>>198218I mean, regarding BDSM, he always pays attention to me and never does something I don't want. He really makes sure I feel safe. And he is not always this unsupportive, it's just that this time he really didn't want to deal with me, but I still don't feel like I deserved his reactions. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but it surprised me. Until now it was pretty much impossible to upset him with anything.
>>198221Well, he said I already complained too much about him not spending enough time with me and he wanted to work on something (he goes through these periods when he is really focused and doesn't want to be bothered). But tbh I didn't complain all that much lately, even today I wasn't bothering him and yesterday he called me to hang out for hours so I wasn't feeling neglected. I had a fight with my mom, she told me I deserved bad things to happen to me, that my boyfriend doesn't love me, stuff like that. She does this pretty often and it always really upsets me, but my boyfriend is kind of like he can't help me at this point because it happened so often. But I didn't want him to solve things, just wanted a little bit of reassurance. But I think he took it as me using the fight with my mom as an excuse to annoy him to spend time with me. One time my mom went really crazy on me and he protected me so much then. And I guess he tried to set time aside for me even now. But I was upset and wanted a bit more support. It just sucks because I want to talk these things over, but his way of dealing with it is to avoid me and chill by himself. I have a tendency to start apologizing and try to make things right immediately, but he is really not receptive to that.
No. 198338
File: 1626571389317.jpg (115.59 KB, 1280x874, liara_by_farv_d4uikhj-fullview…)
So my boyfriend's always criticising stuff I like. For example I really like Mass Effect and he loves shitting on it every single chance he gets. Am I being too sensitive?
No. 198359
>>198338Negging, he wants you to get used to degrading yourself so he can get away with more. He's also most likely cheating and is waiting to either trick you into forgiving him or waiting for the opportunity to drop you.
Leave
No. 198366
>>198338Him not sharing your opinion on a game is fine but when you describe it as him bashing it every chance he can that seems controlling or like hes punishing you for not sharing the exact same tastes as him.
Ideally you should both have a couple of interests in common but then there's usually plenty of room to enjoy things that the other partner just doesn't share your enthusiasm for. Basically you don't try and ruin your partners enjoyment of something harmless unless you're a selfish asshole and you think everything alway has to revolve around you.
No. 198723
File: 1626845547654.gif (1.38 MB, 407x275, 4k85q0lihqfy.gif)
Sorry in advance if this is the wrong thread for this, probably could have posted this in Vent but anons in there sperg about bf talk sometimes.
My bf of a few months used to be really good friends with this girl for a couple years before he met me – he also had intense one-sided feelings for her and after a while they had a falling out and stopped talking. That was about a year and a half ago – about a month ago, she texted him trying to reconnect and he left her on read, then a few weeks later he unfollowed her on social media and removed her as a follower wherever possible when she started liking his posts again. I'm not worried about my bf giving this girl any more time, he's been honest with me about his past with her and how it's unfair and disrespectful to both himself and me to hold on to a person that didn't really give a shit about him – my concern started when I found out that after he unfollowed her on twitter she started subtweeting about him (things like "guess it's not worth being the bigger person," etc.). She also coincidentally sent that first text soon after the first time my bf posted a pic of me on his social media. Idk why this makes me so anxious, imo my bf is doing everything right by ignoring her and prioritizing me, and her being petty on twitter should only reinforce that she was a bad friend and not worth his time – I think I'm concerned she will only get more annoying as time goes on and he continues to ignore her? I'm hoping she's just slighted over their friendship ending but I'm worried she just wants him back in her orbit. She's the kboo twitterfag "she/they" type, who are historically crazy, so that doesn't help. I think part of me also feels bad for her, even though she has a TON of friends and shouldn't feel bad about losing my bf as a "friend", if that's what she actually saw him as. This is so stupid. How do I stop giving a shit about this?
No. 198753
File: 1626863985916.jpeg (271.67 KB, 1241x2208, 90F3C18F-CD45-4F95-A19E-89465B…)
>>198728I wonder the same thing. All I see on tinder are tatted fuckboys, a few rare normie guys who think they deserve 9/10s, and Womack types. And they're all "open to casual" (vom)
I'm no catch myself, and I can't socialize, but tinder makes me even more depressed. Also, didn't dating apps show how all men regardless of age went for 20 y olds?
What even is the point if you're a below average adult woman with autism? You'll get pumped and dumped instantly.
No. 198754
>>198752It's a horrible environment anon, please wriggle out gracefully. There's no good ending here.
This girl sounds very exciting, if you really like her, resist doing what she appears to want. Sounds like she's testing you. I think what she really wants is somebody stable who truly only wants her. If she's a bippie, she might even change her behaviour to be more like you and come out of that scene. More likely, she'll have a horrible rage and flip on you, but that was going to happen regardless.
Please take care of yourself
nonnie.
No. 198757
>>198754i didn't consider that it could be a test, hm. She's exciting but I feel like that's a result of her making a lot of bad decisions. despite that, she's in uni & i languish in a neet hovel, so maybe im doing something wrong idk. i'm pointedly refusing to do many drugs, though, because she informed me she had a pill addiction when she was 15 & i don't want her to end up doing more because of me.
i'm going to tread lightly regardless and i'm trying to be smart about things. thank you for your concern, nonna
No. 198765
>>198752This is the "bad company" parents warn you about.
>We met at a part a month ago […] but she's already asked me to move in with her. RUN!
No. 198798
>>198753Don't worry about your age, from my experience (late 20s) even much younger guys go for any age as long as you have good pics.
The problem is the guys you find on there, I feel they're much worse than men you randomly meet irl.
Trying to find dates on tinder feels like getting your food from dumpster-diving.
No. 198808
>>198792I've had a core group of online friends (met through a messageboard) for over 15 years. One of the guys reached out a while ago to say he always found me cute etc etc., and wanted to know if we could ever be a thing. He lives in US and me UK. It was nice initially to have this guy want to be with me more than any woman in his country lol, but like, realistically, moving to America is hard to do, and he didn't want to move to UK. After about 2 weeks of this fantasy talk I just put us back on a friend only type relationship. He now has a gf lol.
I honestly don't know how people can e-date for weeks or months. Like the conversation just kept changing to, "so when are we going to meet?" like how do you placate the desire to be physical with someone in a different country?
My brother on the other hand had an American gf. He spent 3 months in US, and she would visit him. She ended up getting detained because she over stayed her visa and we all had to help fund her to get her back home.
I think when you consider those types of relationships you have to also be considering uprooting your life to move country and would need to actually research that.
No. 198820
>>198819I've never had the experience of a 'no sex tonight' text in advance from a guy, ever. That stands out as pretty odd. Later down the line when you're living together I've heard of (and experienced) warning your partner right before bedtime that you're 'extra tired' and want to just sleep. That's a really short warning though right before slipping into bed. Not an announcement before you've even arrived.
I can see why you're questioning this. Ngl my mind would wander and start to think he's up to something if he's that confident in announcing sex is off the cards for the day. Or I'd wonder if he maybe highly favors porn and saves himself for a fap session over the option of actual sex.
>the way he describes it is like he’s already horny when he wakes up and waits to be with meNow I really think he's getting his release through porn and that text is him essentially telling you he already got his rocks off for the day. Which is shitty if that's what it is.
No. 199285
>>199283Do you not want a TV at all or do you not want to buy an expensive TV?
Buy a cheap secondhand TV
Put the TV to the side or even another room if you have one
Get a projector instead of a TV because you can put it away in a cupboard
No. 199427
File: 1627271258474.jpg (66.77 KB, 1024x962, 1625974782668.jpg)
What do you do if the man you love is sort of a manchild? He's passionate, cutesy and everything I could ask for in a man. There's one issue with him and it's really starting to turn me off from him: he gets angry at the slightest things very easily and it can ruin his entire mood. Recently, he gets really angry at games and it's embarrassing to hear it. He throws a little tantrum at times and I absolutely hate it. It's the polar opposite from how he normally is and I'm starting to dislike him because of it. Don't get me wrong, everyone has their faults but at this point I tell him to stop playing games because it's just embarrassing to hear this cool man act kind of like a baby. I really like him and I know it can be a red flag but it's genuinely just his main flaw. Can I do anything about this? Is it normal? Please don't just say to drop him and find someone else because he's incredibly good besides this.
No. 199436
>>199197My mom was similar but less
abusive (told me all men were worthless and
abusive cheating assholes since I was 12) and now I’m a (mostly) KHV and a wizard to boot.
Now to be honest a good 80 percent are but there are really good ones. Just don’t wait, see if you can enroll in therapy or anything (don’t jump into a relationship, just explore a few innocent dates or flirting) because it’s a lot easier to find that decent guy when you’re younger and less jaded.
No. 199443
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>>199427I'd bring it up in a gentle way if I were you anon, but if he doesn't want to change then that's on him.
Think of this as a test of how good you think he is and how good he really is. If he takes into consideration that his rages hurt you and make you feel uncomfortable (or even unsafe), then he really is good and a fitting partner for you. If he wants to work on this bad trait because he wants to be better, for you as well as for himself, then great!
But if not, then… Anon, how good is he really?
Your post worries me because rages like that are always showing something lurking underneath. Be careful and prioritize yourself over anything else.
No. 199446
>>199427My boyfriend is the same with fighting games. I fucking hated listening to him get mad at them, he sounds so dumbs and slams the glass desk his computer is on.
I had to talk to him repeatedly about it for him to start to be more aware of it. Frankly I don't think he's fixed, it just hasn't been happening because he has been playing other games and having less time to play Vidya lol.
But yeah tell him about it, bring it up every time it happens, and maybe steer him towards less angering games/hobbies. If he cares about you he'll make an effort.
No. 199869
Posted the same text in the vent thread, just wanted some more opinions on this since I don't really know what to do about it.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months and not even once in that period of time has he complimented me on my physical looks. He has not even once told me that I look good or pretty or beautiful at any occasion. It sound really embarassing typing that out but I just want to feel pretty once in my life. My parents were abusive , humiliated me, always put me down, called me names and fatshamed me even though I was BMI 19 and made me develop an ED. I am and will never me enough for anybody despite my best efforts. No matter how much I starve or exercise or how much makeup and effort I put into looking good nobody will ever acknowlegde that. I asked him today if he found me pretty to which he replied with ''Yeah, of course you are!!'' and started trying to list features and things he likes about me and began with my hair only to have an awkward fucking 10 second pause trying to list more features of me that he likes while I was laying in his fucking arms. After the 10 fucking second break he awkwardly continued with the moles on my body and one other thing that I don't remember but I think I have never in my life felt so defeated, disappointed and embarassed upon hearing something like that.
When I later on asked my boyfriend on facetime if he finds me pretty he replied with the typical answer being ''Yeah, of course you are!!'' but upon asking why he never says it out outloud he confused me because he ''couldnt explain it''. For him complimenting someone sounds ungenuine, makes him uncomfortable, doesnt feel right to say and sounds weird in ''in his head'', in addition to that he is confused about when and how to say it because ''its just for the moment'' (???).
Why and how does it even make you uncomfortable and makes you feel weird to compliment me (especially on a special occasion like a date) when you keep asking me to suck your dick or do other things with you? He basically confirmed with his statement that he finds me ugly as fuck. I constantly compliment him in regards of his looks and personality, saying how handsome, pretty, adorable, caring and loving he is while he can't even do the same for me? I truly think that he is lying to me and just thinks that I am ugly but doesnt want to admit it because everytime we kiss he constantly closes his eyes, doesnt bother to question why its uncomfortable for me to let him see me without makeup and my glasses , doesnt really try to say something against me having plastic surgery and everytime I bring up an insecurity he just says that its unnecessary and this part of me looks ''normal''. We have a great relationship but this whole lookwise thing makes me feel so fucking unwanted and ugly it actually makes me want to kill myself so bad. Am I really that fucking hideous and ugly? Can I feel pretty and enough for once?
No. 199927
>>199773Anon, when you meet someone that you really click with, you'll instinctively want to "break your solitary habits" or give up some of your time to them, and you won't resent them for it. It will happen naturally. Relationships don't have to be so all or nothing. You don't have to spend an entire weekend with anyone. Maybe you'll meet someone who also has a lot of hobbies or likes their space!
If you end up with a mature, adjusted, and open person, you'll be able to talk with them (if it's even needed) about retaining a healthy balance of you time/stuff vs couple time. Partners can and do recognize and respect another's need for alone time or distance.
Relax!
With love from your 40 yo Auntie Nonna.
No. 199963
>>199869not worth it. I dated someone like that (well, he said a few nice things in the beginning, but just stopped a few months in) and it'll never stop feeling like shit. Now, my bf of a year won't shut up about how pretty he finds me, and it has honestly helped so much with my confidence. I get how delusional I was previously with my self loathing and nitpicking, I look perfectly fine and loveable.
inb4 "have you tried to communicate with him?? maybe you should tell him it's important that he compliments you???" lol, contrary to popular reddit opinion, genuine compliments should not and cannot be asked for. If he is never moved to say something sweet upon seeing your face, he just doesn't feel that way about you.
No. 200105
File: 1627670017127.gif (1.53 MB, 500x399, 1625355118574.gif)
ok so i have a guy friend,
i like this guy friend (romantically),
he doesn't,
i end friendship for both our sakes but mostly my own good,
he's sad because i'm his "best friend" (his words),
now I'm feeling bad and like i'm not valuing his feelings towards me, which are genuine, just because those feelings are NOT the way i want them to be(romantic),
i feel like maybe i'm being mean,
but at the same time i don't think i can keep being friends with him and manage to let go of my (romantic) feelings for him,
if anything my feelings would keep intensifying.
How could i keep being friends with him and stop from deluding myself into thinking he will one day like me at the same time? Would I have to go out on dates with other guys?
No. 200123
>>200107I think this is the way it has to be, you're doing this for your own emotional and mental health. You don't actually have to consider his feelings about this, I'm sure he's sad about it, but the situation is that your friendship is incompatible and he has to deal with it. Is he making you feel guilty about selling boundaries or is that coming from an internal source?
>How could i keep being friends with him and stop from deluding myself into thinking he will one day like me at the same time? If he liked you back he would have done something about it by now, I'm sorry to say.
Would I have to go out on dates with other guys?
It might help, but he might get jealous. Not because he suddenly likes you, but because he's not getting as much attention from you.
No. 200129
>>200123>Is he making you feel guilty about selling boundaries or is that coming from an internal source? both, he hasn't said anything to make me feel guilty, said he respects my decision, but his tone was at the very least disappointed. I've been overthinking it and remembered when i had a guy friend stop being friends with me after i rejected him, i thought he never really valued me as a person and had an end-goal in mind the whole time (get a gf) so this may very well be how i'm making him feel now too. It isn't true because I do value him as a person and didn't become friends to get in a romantic relationship with him.
also during the whole friendship he would lightly flirt or maybe i misinterpreted, but you're right, he would have asked me out if he liked me.
I should also add that i impulsively texted him about an hour ago and suggested something silly and stupid, basically that he should help me not like him anymore if he wanted (?????) then turned off my phone quickly. He probably thinks there's something really wrong with me now
No. 200296
>>200290He sounds
abusive. Leave him before he gets worse and find someone who actually appreciates you.
No. 200375
My bf of 2 yrs has a demanding job and likes to be active in his downtime. He works from home and has a pretty flexible schedule, so we can do everything on a regular day and he can still get shit done. I'm currently working on my bachelor's degree (due in september) and need to earn some money since covid-assistance has now come to an end. The strongest months in my field are summer/early fall. I always told him, this summer will be busier than last summer and I have no idea how much "vacation" I will be able/willing to get in. To be honest, I have no interest in going away at the moment, I'm just not in the vacation state of mind, I told him all that, but he just does not want to accept it. I also told him that I don't want to sleep in our modded car, which is the only vacation mode that is acceptable for him, but he also doesn't want to hear this. I told him to do something alone or with other people, but he says he doesn't want to be alone and he doesn't want others because of covid… I could say, ok, let's go away for a couple of days, but it's never enough for him. He keeps talking of 2 weeks minimum and whatever we can get, he'd love to have 5+ weeks… nonnies what should I do, this is driving me nuts. I understand that he is overworked and wants to have vacation, but holy shit your fucking life won't stop if you have one quiet summer…
No. 200379
>>200375I can't offer much advice but he sounds exhausting as fuck. I know few people like this, they're great adventurous friends but in every case I know they make their more quiet/busy partners miserable.
Don't do things that endanger your education, it comes first.
If he can't deal with it and throws huge tantrums/threatens breakup if you don't do as he wants, I'd reevaluate the relationship. If it isn't that serious, just be firm and stand your ground.
No. 200397
>>200375You don't want to go at all
He wants to go for 2+ weeks minimum
Make it a 5 or 7 day compromise and make it clear that you both, not just him, are compromising on this and that he can have that or nothing at all.
No. 200428
File: 1627855069897.jpg (12.26 KB, 240x159, pol-4.jpg)
>>197127I'm in a similar situation - I asked to take a week long break with my boyfriend after having a particularly bad mood swing where I honestly told him that I don't feel compatible with him.
He has done nothing wrong - he is a sweet, kind, talented and hard working individual who has a loving family and an incredibly secure life ahead of him - which my life insecurity is quelled - but I am embarrassed by him, our personalities seem to clash more, and our political views are all over the map. He's literally treated me like a princess - the relationship is everything I've wanted - except I just find so many unattractive parts about his personality, like particular feminine traits that turn me off immensely.
Ive never had such a stable, equal, relationship before and here I am getting second thoughts.
I feel like a horrible person for wanting to get my thoughts straight but I just don't know what to do - I couldnt lie to him and say I wasnt having these thoughts.
I really want to make it work and my family really wants me to make it work, I just don't know what to do.
No. 200576
File: 1627944265630.jpg (56.51 KB, 500x529, moomin11.jpg)
>>200569for the love of god please get this in order before getting in a relationship, and even after that, take things slow with anyone who is looking for a serious partner and might get attached to you. My ex suffered from this alongside general OCD symptoms and it was four years of pure hell for both of us. My head is still fucked and I'm not sure I'll ever feel completely normal in relationships again. The constant doubts about me and whether he should break up with me, mixed with lovey behavior and commitments when he sometimes got a grip of reality and his normal feelings, have made it extremely hard for me to trust anything that my current partner says even though he is completely consistent about our future and his feelings. I'm an anxious and insecure wreck and constantly fear that people are quietly going through every single flaw that I have and criticizing me in their head, like my ex used to do and then confess to me while crying.
Anyway, I don't usually recommend casual dating but maybe confronting your illness in an explicitly lower-stakes setting would help you learn how to deal with the feelings? There's a subreddit on rocd and they emphasize not seeking reassurance iirc (like confessing to your partner, or googling more to figure out if your doubts are real or rocd). I guess also check out resources on avoidant attachment if it applies, those seem to sometimes go hand in hand.
No. 200602
>>200594thank u
nonny, i'll try n gain more self confidence n eventually stop pandering/engaging w them, it's just hard to get away. i do have lots of insecurities esp with appearance but i never made the connection between the two issues. tysm
No. 200623
>>200576I’m sorry you went through that and still suffer from it today. I’m already in a relationship. Fortunately (?) I’ve kept my intrusive thoughts to myself so I hopefully haven’t harmed or dismayed my boyfriend at all. I’m in just the beginning phases of exploring how to work past these issues.
In a way, it’s a huge relief and feels a bit healing just to understand what this is. Prior, I wondered if I were borderline sociopathic or just broken and incapable of love or shallow, etc… I’m already finding a lot of clarity and feel more hopeful for the future.
No. 200669
File: 1628024015594.jpg (73.74 KB, 346x346, 20210803_153156.jpg)
I live with my boyfriend and I am happily pregnant. Anyways, I have nothing to do and he works from home. He is a programmer and often tells me he is struggling with other langs because he has only ever really had to do Java for his job. I feel a little worried for him because he's stressed and most of his stress is from work. I already do the basic things like cook, clean (we share this role), and support him emotionally. I want to do more for him because I love him, but i'm not sure what to do. So my question is, how can I help him? *Reposted because I messed something up.
No. 200676
>>200669Only other thing to do is get a work from home job if you can manage. As long as you emotionally support him, he should be okay though.
Maybe leave him nice notes on his desk that he can look at when he's stressed, give him a massage randomly, stuff like that.
No. 200736
>>200614The last person I dated had a history of cheating. He told me about it pretty early on but looking back he was also childish about it as he told me. He kinda blamed her for his cheating??… said the relationship was dead so it wasnt that bad lol. I knew it was wrong and BS but I gave him a chance seeing as a decade had passed since. I got burned in the end (no surprise) he cheated again, was very good at keeping secrets. I wouldn't touch a cheater again at this point because I'm over 30 and potentially wasting another 3 or 4 years with someone like that is too much risk for me. I gave it a go that time and what happened..happened.
I think it's best to be honest and at least give the person that knowledge and the ability to decide for herself whether it's a make or break thing. That pattern of cheating does follow some people around for years but all you can do is be mature and honest about it and like you said to reflect. Keeping this a secret would only show a lack of change. Don't fall into a habit of keeping secrets again because that's a slipery slope that will land you back where you were before.
No. 200848
My bf of 2 years went straight from a terrible breakup to moving in with me (I know, stupid) and it never sat right with me. I feel like I’m the crutch, the constant number two and a patch so that he doesn’t have to be alone.
I told him more than once that we’d better just be friends and not lovers. He always shrugs it off and assured me that he likes me and finds me special. But honestly I don’t believe it, because of stuff he told me in the past. For example, he told my how beautiful and perfect his (cheating) ex was, how he wished they had children, how he thought they would never ever split up, he commented negatively on my clothes, body and appearance. When I told him that I feel unwanted because of these things, he says that he developed over our two years and that his feelings grew and that he really likes and wants me. But to be honest, I think it is just comfortable and familiar now and I don't really believe him.
I always said that I like living alone but he basically moved in with me from the start of the relationship. He keeps saying that he’s afraid to be alone and doesn’t want to be alone. I think that I will always have this in the back of my head. Nonnies, what do you make of this?
No. 200858
>>200848>I told him more than once that we’d better just be friends and not loversAnon you do realize that if you decide you're better off friends that means you're no longer in a relationship regardless what he thinks or what is comfortable for him? You don't need his agreement to break up with him.
>Nonnies, what do you make of this?You're being used for shelter and emotional support.
No. 200866
>>200858>You're being used for shelter and emotional support. Damn thank you for confirming my underlying feelings, I knew it but I kind of always brushed it off because of rEaSoNs.
>You don't need his agreement to break up with him. I know, I guess I'm just reluctant because overall we are pretty good friends and I hate the idea that he has to move back in with his mom. But that shouldn't bother me. We're both in our 30s so wtf he should just get his own place anyways. I always told him that I like living alone and I don't want us to move in together. My apartment is also not suitable for two people working from home. He moved in anyways. At first it was his breakup, then he gave up his shared flat and because of covid I said it was ok that we stayed at my place 99% of the time and it wouldn't be a problem if it took him some time to find a place. Whenever I mention him getting his own place he tells me how stupid this would be, "we" would spend so much money, he can't afford it (lol he's fucking wealthy and earns 5x as much as I do??) and in the end we'd only be hanging out in one place anyways, so it would be a waste. I tell him that basic living expenses are what they are and he also doesn't stop eating because "it's a waste". Long story short, his "I don't want to be alone" apparently trumps my "I need to be alone".
Thank you anons for your kind and honest words, I guess I'll just have to do what I keep avoiding for quite some time now and focus on myself again. It's so draining to constantly think about a relationship, that alone should show that something's just not right.
No. 201021
>>200890If he'll refuse to talk to you for days just for pointing out a mistake then he probably has some sort of mental issue, because that is not normal behavior for a grown man.
Does he seem weird/immature even when you don't point out mistakes? Does he do or say anything genuinely threatening or does he just act like a spoiled child?
No. 201024
File: 1628271159867.jpg (93.42 KB, 1024x1008, 1589107861704.jpg)
My husband and I both work full time. I do all of the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, home improvement projects, and the vast majority of the cleaning. I asked him to take out the garbage two days ago since it was full and beginning to stink up the kitchen. He has yet to do so and is currently passed out on the couch after staying up until 6 AM playing video games, yet again. I can't even go in the kitchen because it smells like rot and there are used napkins, plastic forks and paper plates strewn all over the counter that were left there by him since nothing else can fit into the trash. I've reminded him, begged, nagged, yelled, but he still won't complete this five minute task that should've been done two days ago- the only chore I expect him to do regularly
Why did I marry someone with such profound contempt for me
No. 201031
>>201028I've started to plan my exit. It just hurts to see him treat me like this, since he used to be so kind and affectionate. Did his chores, didn't spend too much time on frivolities, was respectful towards me, got me presents. He didn't even get me anything for my birthday or Christmas this year aside from ordering some takeout for us and promising to go to a museum with me(hasn't happened).
I know men do this, but I can't help but feel like I did something wrong
No. 201037
>>201031You didn't do anything wrong
nonnie, people grow and change in different ways and unfortunately he was growing and changing in this way.
It's time for some ultimatums, even though I hate them, shape up, or get out.
No. 201038
>>201031Sorry to say, but those things you listed are the bare minimum.
>>201037I wouldn't suggest ultimatums. Even if he does shape up, it's coming from the wrong place. He would only do it because he risks the chance of losing his mommy bangmaid servant, not because he actually loves her and wants to make her life easier.
No. 201046
BF and me have been together for about two years. About a year into our relationship I once did something what we both consider a pretty big dealbreaker nowadays, but at that point in time we haven't even really talked about them. Back then I didn't think I really did something wrong, since it's something I've never seen other couples mind and forgot about it. After we started talking about what we consider okay to do, and what not, I realized what I did was completely shitty of me, and confessed pretty much immediately and apologized to him. The atmosphere between us has been weird for two or three days or so, but afterwards he said he can't really fault me for it, since it is something people usually don't think much of, so it's okay, especially since I seem really remorseful and have only done it once, and he trusts me in that aspect. Sounds nice enough, right? Now the thing is, if I were in his place, it's something I'd probably break up over. He knows this and told me we should count ourselves lucky that he's not me then. Also, that he'd probably think the same if it happened a week ago, but not when it's a year, and that our situations are completely different, so it'd be worse if he did it, anyway. This was a week or two ago, and his behaviour is back to how it used to be while I'm the only one still making everything weird. I generally feel like he's way too forgiving towards me. Things where he is pissed at or goes a bit on distance with other people for I get absolved from with a literal flick against the forehead. I'm starting to worry he's just saying it's fine while he's bottling it up inside. Admittedly, he doesn't seem like it, and I usually notice pretty fast when something bothers him, but still… I honestly don't even know what kind of advice I'm asking here for. How do I lessen the guilt? Or how do I forget about this and go back to how we were, since he says I shouldn't mind anymore? Maybe I just wanted to get this out? I have no ideaaaaaaa
No. 201049
>>201021Sorry for taking forever to respond. Basically, if he was ever found to be wrong, we didn't even have to say anything about it: He'd automatically put this angry face and avoid talking to anyone; if any of us did, he'd respond with either sarcastic remarks, or grunts. If any of us actually try to argue he'd get all defensive.
>>201023Oh don't worry, I will try to move hell and earth to not get grouped with him next year, I was more asking on how to deal with people "like" him, since I know there must be many others around and I just lack a way of dealing with the while "oh no I pissed someone off what did I do" attittude, which is only making me act like a doormat and feel guilty fo what I know is not my fault.
No. 201486
>>201468Get out now. You don't want to become another transwidow in r/mypartneristrans talking about your
abusive tranny husband. Even if he chooses to keep his dick it will eventually break due to hormones so he'll start going on and off on them causing severe mood fluctuations and other health issues and you don't want to be there by then.
No. 201488
>>201468L E A V E
For gods sake its not even something to 'think about'. The key points in a healthy relationship is compromises for the sake of growth. An egotistical compromise like that is clearly a sign that he spends more time with himself and thinking about himself than he does of you. Find a normal man, for the sake of your mental health and future.
No. 201543
>>201482>>201489>>201486>>201488>>201490The worst part about this is he even says he doesn’t feel dysphoria, but all the sjws on Twitter insist he doesn’t need to feel dysphoria to be trans and that he is “
valid” if he wants to keep his dick.
Am I being an asshole if I say it just seems like he has some weird ass fetish?
Like, he has said he always prefers lesbian porn and therefore he wants to be a lesbian.
Lesbian porn doesnt involve a dick and girls with man faces dude.
I genuinely don’t understand where this mental break came from, he has been super depressed lately but now that he’s decided he’s trans he’s on top of the moon because he gets all this positive attention from other trannies on Twitter.
I don’t even have anyone to talk to about this because I am the only person he’s told so far and it’s been eating away at me for a week now. We don’t live together, thank god, but I also don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to be alone due to recent tragedies in my family. My friends are all super busy with their own life since they all work in the medical field and Covid is rampant still.
I’m just at a loss.
No. 201552
>>201468>>201543Whatever you do, do NOT tie the knot or sign a lease with him etc. Don't trap yourself with this man unless you're a 10000% sure he realized how retarded he is and no longer wants to be a tranny.
You're 100% right it sounds, and probably is, a fetish. If he's been depressed like you said and/or has been struggling with (mental health) issues, it's likely he's looking at this as something new and exciting to bring into his life or he may even think it may simply be easier to go through life (presenting) as a woman as some men believe it is. He falsely believes or hopes this will transform his life, pulling him out of his misery which it will not. Even if you thing transgenderism is
valid, this is clearly NOT a case of it. If possible, demand he see a mental health professional (one that doesn't support transgenderism but would rather have him tackle the underlying issues and depression) and above all, do not support his decision to become a tranny. It may seem cruel to not support your partner but him transitioning is the worst outcome for both of you. Remember he doesn't even experience gender dysphoria, don't allow him to use transgermism and transitioning as a false cure for his depression and problems in life.
This advice however only counts if you decide you want to stay, which like other anons said is not the wise decision. Protect yourself.
No. 201560
>>201543>Am I being an asshole if I say it just seems like he has some weird ass fetish?It does not make you an asshole but is unwise. I don't know how much power "
TERF" accusations have where you are or in your circles but best idea is to focus on getting out and disengaging from him as smoothly as possible.
>We don’t live together, thank god, but I also don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to be alone due to recent tragedies in my familyI'm so sorry, anon. But sticking around when he's probably in a volatile state is even more emotionally precarious for you.
>I genuinely don’t understand where this mental break came from, he has been super depressed lately but now that he’s decided he’s trans he’s on top of the moon because he gets all this positive attention from other trannies on Twitter.Well that's it, isn't it? Plenty of detrans people talk about being severely depressed and transition gave them goals and a "community" that will support them (and ultimately preys on their misery). There aren't as many male detransitioners out there sharing their stories, and the divide between gay men and straight/bi men in their experiences seems significant. I've seen a few male detrans gay guys online like @detransgayguy on twitter (he was on 60 minutes). I think upperhandMars, Benjamin Boyce, and Erin Brewer (on both youtube and twitter) have all interviewed one or two detrans men.
No. 201612
>>201543You will feel more liberated leaving him now, than spending your time and efforts talking about it to friends and constantly cycling around limbo. This isn't about you two anymore, it's his mental issues versus your life.
He will just be a distasteful dinner story one day, and you will be able to find yourself a man who can give you what you need, protect you and build a home with you. The loneliness aspect of this whole story is the least of your concerns right now. Stay strong anon.
No. 202054
File: 1629068957145.jpg (37.55 KB, 362x346, 1598807901865.jpg)
Is there a way I can make a guy break up with and we can remain friends? How would I go about this? I got into a relationship with him but I prefer our friendship and I realized I don't want something like this too late. How do I go about making him break up with me or what can I do to break it off nicely?
No. 202088
>>202047>Is there anything specific I can say that might make him more understanding?Nope. This always crops in unhealthy relationships and the answer is always no. If your partner doesn't listen and care about your concerns about their upsetting behavior the first, second, fiftieth time you bring it up, then there are no magic words that will suddenly make them see the light. They simply don't care about the harm it's doing you over their own projections, lack of self esteem and selfishness. In that instance they don't want love, they want control. You either settle and become their slave (bad choice) or break up. The only other thing you can do is sit him down and explicitly state that this is harming you to the point you
will break things off unless he improves as a final warning/wake-up call, but it's completely on him to fix his issues and set better boundaries. Good relationships don't exist without trust and he doesn't feel any towards you. It's just going to keep wearing you down over time.
No. 202119
I've gotten into a weird situation: I have a bf (we've been steady for 6 or so months), we haven't had any big incidents. The other day we went for a walk on the park and get some air and stuff, when we see one of his old highschool friends. we three sat down ona bench while they talked, and the friend kept talking about how much of a nerd he was during highschool, and how he never got laid and tehn boasting about himself, it was kind of weird, but my bf would just nod or say nothing even though this dude was basically trashtalking him to our face. Eventually I made an excuse for both of us and left. My bf didn't want to do anything else, and was (I wanna say understandably) embarassed, so he went home, and so did I. Thing is, from that point onwards, he doesn't want to go outside with me, and when i do manage to convince him he is a LOT less talkative. I think we need to have a conversation about this, because he's acting like a child, and needs to man up, but I don't know how to deliver it to him. or maybe this is some kind of red flag that I don't know about. I am not willing to hide myself at home because of his hurt ego or whatever this "episode" is. Do you have any advice?
No. 202125
>>202119kek
nonnie this is so self absorbed wtf
No. 202130
>>202119I've gotten into a weird situation: I have a bf (we've been steady for 6 or so months), we haven't had any big incidents. The other day we went for a walk on the park and get some air and stuff, when he tripped and fell and broke his leg. I sat down on a bench while he lay there moaning. It was kind of weird, but my bf would just nod or say nothing even though I was basically talking to his face. Eventually I made an excuse to get up and left. My bf didn't want to do anything else, and was (I wanna say understandably) embarassed, so I went home, and he went to the hospital. Thing is, from that point onwards, he doesn't want to go outside with me, and when i do manage to convince him he is a LOT less talkative. I think we need to have a conversation about this, because he's acting like a child, and needs to man up, but I don't know how to deliver it to him. or maybe this is some kind of red flag that I don't know about. I am not willing to hide myself at home because of his hurt leg or whatever this "episode" is. Do you have any advice?
No. 202261
File: 1629196767339.jpg (69.4 KB, 750x748, 236596983_121319006897506_7076…)
I already know I'm going to get so much shit for this, but so be it.
I've been in a relationship for 8 years with somebody I've never met. He(?) won't send photos, share his voice, or meet up. I don't know his job or where he lives, or even his real name. I've sent him nudes and videos. He sends me presents, not insignificant ones, like a ROG laptop because mine broke, and a limited edition Nintendo Switch and some games when I got out of hospital.
He's spent a lot of time learning how to support me as a partner of someone with mental illness and has been researching therapies for me. He took time off work when I went into hospital for a month just so he could talk to me while I was in there. He used to be really mean sometimes, but he's mellowed out a lot. He's always said I'm the only person he has in the world and he only has eyes for me. He gets angry when I speculate too much on his identity or ask why he won't meet me, and he won't answer questions.
My big question is, why would he keep this up for so long and genuinely invest so much love and time and money into me without wanting to meet me?
I don't mind if he's really a woman, or even a friend of mine, I told him I'd still love him. I've been with more women than men anyway. I don't mind what he looks like. I really hope he's not been married or had a girlfriend the whole time, but somehow I don't think he is with the amount of time we spend chatting or gaming together. I just want to know why, but he won't even tell me that much. When I mention that I want IRL sex and cuddles and kisses, he gets offended and says that I want those things as I remember it with exes, not him specifically. But I know that he has desires too, he tells me about them sometimes though they're never PIV which makes me think it's a woman.
No. 202262
>>202261This would be a nice romance story.
That doesn't help, sorry. I hope this person reveals themself to you eventually. If they have so much time perhaps they have some sort of disability or illness that they feel would hold them back from being a good partner irl?
No. 202268
>>202261Kinda crazy, if it was a Catfish episode I'd be on the edge of my seat waiting for a reveal who that person is. I hope you'll know someday. Don't know how much you'd be willing to push for that person to reveal themselves - it's honestly your choice to continue living like this, seems like you're actually relatively cozy even; but it sounds like unless it's "tell me the truth or I block you forever" scenario he will not reveal anything. You can try having very honest conversation, make sure he (she?) knows that you don't care about gender or race or status, or even if its somebody you already know, but really want to know the truth and who is on the other side, and who knows, maybe it will have him open up, even if not immediately.
I'm a bit concerned about what you've said about him being very mean sometimes in the past or getting angry about identity questions. Just in case if you ever decide to seriously pursue getting to know the truth, make sure you're ready to block him for good if things don't go the nice way.
No. 202272
>>202261>why would he invest so much love and time and money into me this is not love anon, money because it doesn't matter to him and time because he's sad and bored.
anon pls, I have a fat, ugly, unemployed but inheritance rich cousin who could easily be such a mystery "lover", pls have some self love and end this shit show, the "time off work" and laptop money is peanuts compared to your investment. It's also not fair from him/her to never talk to you or even show face, like wtf why would you even do this. As other anon said, you're just some online escort and that is not a relationship
No. 202284
>>202280I'm sure you must have some kind of examples of good long term relationships among your friends and family?
Overall it's normal to worry sometimes, especially since it's such an on and off situation (I hope you mean on and off distance wise, not that you're breaking up and getting together again?), I think what's best is to just open up to your boyfriend and have a honest conversation, make sure you both are there to reassure each other when things get more stressful. I have a very good friend who is dating a sailor, due to work he's away for many weeks, multiple times in a year, and they're the sweetest couple, supporting and being there for each other regardless if they're in the same flat or hundreds of kilometers away. Everything is doable with some effort when you find a good person that wants the same thing.
No. 202304
>>202298Kick him in the balls with your knee, then your other knee. Like the other anon said, this is physical abuse. Please break up with him. He's dangerous, hitting you then saying what he's doing isn't painful or
abusive. Are you able to stay at a safe place, like at a friend's or family's, in case he doesn't take it well?
No. 202317
>>202298Don't consider it. Do it. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like or respect you. But don't tell him you're leaving, just have a plan and go. Do you have friends or family that will let you stay with them? If so, start dropping things off with them so he doesn't go on a rampage and destroy your shit. If not, look up women's shelters in your country (if they have them) or save up for a hotel until you can live somewhere else.
Just don't let him catch on to you doing this, he'll only hurt you worse. Abuse is always a good reason to leave someone. It will never get better. He will never respect your boundaries or your body, mind, soul, spirit or heart. You're pussy and a punching bag to him.
No. 202318
>>202119How long ago did this happen? Like 2 days or two months? If it was recent give the guy some time to recover his wounded pride. I'm sure being trash talked by some highschool bully in front of his new girlfriend stung, and now he's paranoid it's gonna happen again.
If it's been over a month however, it's time for a talk.
No. 202357
>>202300>>202304>>202306>>202317Thank you so much anons, I think I didn't explain myself correctly at all, sorry. I'm not in danger.
I'll explain the situation better. You know how male teenagers have these dumb ass "games" in which they "playfully" hit each other? Like a wedgie kind of thing but instead of the wedgie it's a surprise hit or slap. They're harmless to your health but they hurt. I grew up with an annoying ass brother so I'm used to this shit, except my brother doesn't hit nearly as hard as my bf. And we are both pushing 30 btw.
On top of that my bf specially likes to slap my ass really hard, and I hate it, shit feels like a sudden electric shock of pain that ruins my mood instantly, plus the burning pain that lingers for a while. He says that he's not using full force and that I'm being dramatic. But if I say it hurts he shouldn't question it, if I say I hate it he should stop. I'm not in danger but I feel like he has gotten too comfortable with me and wants to treat me like he pleases.
No. 202363
File: 1629268177438.png (27.9 KB, 730x244, 4732047302453.png)
>>202357You're coping and making excuses for an abuser. At 30, too. Wake the fuck up for your own safety. You can look across countless Reddit threads for women who had boyfriends who "playfully" shoved, slapped, pinched, even choked them, but they "just didn't understand their own strength teehee." No. You sound as retarded as picrel. They know exactly what they're doing and continue to do it despite repeated protests from their partners because
they get off on hurting women. In 100% of cases if the woman stays the abuse escalates and in some cases it ends in death. Stop minimizing this. He's grown ass man who is well aware he is hurting you and is continuing to do it. That's called abuse, it's not normal, he is not a good person.
No. 202389
>>202357You're too old for the play fighting. And if he's hitting you harder than your brother did when you guys were kids … That's a red flag in my book. Think about it, your annoying brother showed more restraint as a minor than your grown ass man.
I'd say leave him because he doesn't respect your boundaries. All he wants to do now is test them more and more to see what you'll tolerate. And he won't back off or stop until you force him, because scrotes don't have empathy or enough braincells to know when to fucking stop. They're all like this. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries and he's showing you this Everytime he "play fights" you. There's nothing wrong with play fighting between a couple but I'm sure if you hit him back hard enough he'd start screaming abuse. And it's not play fighting if only one person is having fun. It's bullying, borderline abuse, depending on who you are and how you look at it. You don't have to take that shit.
No. 202397
>>202357"""Play-fighting""" you said no to is NOT play-fighting. If you tell him No and he still does it, it's physical abuse. Don't excuse
abusive male behaviour, that's how they get away with shit like this.
No is no.
No. 202431
>>202381I'm with
>>202398. Not sure how long you two have been together, but when you're at the point where sharing/borrowing technology isn't weird, see how leery he is about lending you his stuff and have a look. You don't need to dig into things from years back but look at history, saved and recently deleted files/photos, media access. A lot of men promise the moon regarding porn use then they're right back at it. I'd respect someone more who was upfront about a backslide over a liar any day. If he hides it then he's willing to manipulate you and his self image to get what he wants. That's a game, not a respectful partnership. You need trust.
This is also a hard one to test intentionally, but it's important to see how he is in a crisis or at least when things aren't going according to plan. If you show up a bit late to a date, does he get angry and stressed? If you're learning something together (say you're cooking) is he patient or does he get pissy if you mess something up? If you ask for help and it would be somewhat inconvenient for him (like he's in the midst of schoolwork) does he pause what he's doing or get annoyed? Can any of his friends or family remember a time when there was an emergency and how he reacted? Also, look at his friends. If he's great with you but his friends talk like scummy frat bros he's probably putting on an act for you and more similar to them than you'd think. Either that or he doesn't really care about women beyond the one he's fucking and passively accepts/participates in misogyny around his bros.
No. 202495
I got my first boyfriend so navigating personal issues in a relationship and bringing it up is all new to me. That said, I have a big issue that I’ve noticed and I don’t know how to breach the topic. I don’t know if I have the grounds to bring it up.
For context, my boyfriend visits my family occasionally. The problem is my sister. She is a bombshell. Slim-thicc hourglass body. 34D size boobs compared to my little 34B size breasts. VERY skinny waist and shapely legs. She’s prettier than me (big eyes, big lips, tiny nose, heart shape face, long thicker hair). The only thing I got going was that I was slimmer than her. But ever since covid, she has lost a significant amount of weight and she looks amazing, whereas I had gained a lot of weight and I feel like shit.
I have bad blood with my sister, of which I told my bf about. She is a very mean girl and cruel at heart. Always bullied me and put me down growing up. Used me as someone to make her feel better about herself because I’m such an easy target to compare yourself with (I’m a loser in her normie eyes because I have struggled with agoraphobia and avoidant personality disorder all my life which has turned me into a shut in—except now that I have a bf I am slowly coming out of my shell).
Anyway, she intentionally puts on this very low cut bikini thong swimsuit and intentionally angles her breasts so he can get an eyeful (I.e keeps leaning forward, draws his eyes there by fidgeting her straps, presses her boobs together). She has a huge crush on my boyfriend. I can tell because she plays with her hair when speaking with him, a thing she has always done to boys whilst we grew up together. She is the type of person who likes the validation and attention of cute males and proving she’s better than other girls (she’s very competitive), so she is thriving off his glances and me just sitting there, silently seething.
I watch my bfs eyes throughout this interaction and I can tell he desperately does not want to glance but he glances quickly at her chest area and her backside when she gets up to get more water. He spilled water on his pants and I go to wipe it up and lo and behold, he has a hardon. Before this, he kept crossing his legs, holding a big mug between his legs—he tried so hard to hide his boner from me, which makes me believe he feels guilty and is trying very hard to resist his attraction to her.
I don’t know what to do about this. Do I confront him? I feel so much in pain. He knows how horrible she was to me growing up. And now he has a biological attraction to her because she’s hot, and it really hurts me. What do I do?
Sorry for too many details but tldr, my bf gets boners for my sister even though he knows she was cruel to me. But hey, you can’t beat biology. If a hot girl parades around barely naked, you’re gonna get a boner
No. 202509
>>202504 > he spilled water on his pants and I go to wipe it up and lo and behold, he has a hardonWow that sure was convenient. He spilled water on his crotch at that exact time. And you went to clean it up on his behalf..and he had a hard on and you knew it was from your hot (34D) sister as you knew she was 'angling her tits at him intentially' while wearing a thong and having shapely legs.
Hate it when that happens.
No. 202517
>>202505>>202509That’s how it actually happened thoug
>>202508Problem is I am very unfrontational so idk how I’d bring it up to him? And idk maybe it was all in my head and I overreacted because it was my sister and not just some random girl walking on the street. It ls causing me severe stress to know my bf has the hots for her
She also has a bf but she is the type of girl who likes to tease other boys to make her feel desirable. And she likes to make her bf be on edge and fear he’ll lose her so she likes to flirt in front of him with other men. It’s a power and control dynamic in their relationship. She thinks if other men lust after her it’ll make her bf feel like he won her over all the other men. Idk if I explained it right, I’m very frantic and anxious rn because people think I’m a man or female coomer (I’m not either). Anyway thanks for honest advice. And yeah her bf was sitting next to her across from us when this took place
I’d confront her but then she’ll feel like she has a one-up on me. And she knows my weakness is my bf. So she’ll try to continue making me uncomfortable by flirting in front of me with him. Until I explode and make a fool of myself in front of him. She is not a nice person so I’d rather not talk about my problems with her, she’ll just exploit my confession and feel delightful over it
No. 202526
>>202517I don't believe this is real but if it is, this
>>202508. Stop being a doormat to your sister and tell her to fuck off. And/Or stop bringing your boyfriend when your sister's there.
>>202520 is right but you don't have to take this deliberate sabotaging from your sister. If she's actually wiggling her boobs in front of your bf, grow a fucking spine and speak up instead of whining about it here.
No. 202557
>>202542I don't think you should try to stop being cautious of men, it's nothing personal to you but your thoughts are a real concern. Not to the point that you should be freaking out about it all the time but it's very possible a man might treat you like shit. The only thing you can control is your reaction to it - and if you can confidently say you'll drop a guy at the first sign of poor treatment, you should be ready to date. Even if it's just in your head, establish clear boundaries and decide what you will and won't accept in a relationship before you get into one.
Controversial on here but FDS has been really helpful to me with this concept.
No. 202562
>>202548Ayrt and in that case I agree with
>>202557 Being cautious of men is a good thing and if you don't find it otherwise disruptive besides being discouraged from dating then I don't think it's inherently bad to have these thoughts. If you want to start dating and being more social you need to set standards for what you want from a relationship and what you will not tolerate. Go ahead and interact with people, remain cautious, and promise yourself you will stop interacting with them if they don't treat you well. No one is perfect and people may show affection in different ways, but treating people you care about as though you care about them is a low bar that anyone worth your time should be able to meet.
No. 202642
I met somebody who is perfect for a long-term relationship, which is why I stay with him despite friction romantically.
He is an absolutely fantastic person which is why I am so fond of him. Overall I simply appreciate him so much as a human being, from his personality to his achievements to his appearance. He also has barely any of the red flags males usually have, which is especially why I wish to hold onto him. However, romantically I feel dissatisfied with him. He doesn't mistreat me, but his way of showing affection does not convey his feelings to me, so I feel ignored and unseen. It makes it difficult to be around him sometimes, as I will become frustrated and bored. I like petnames and compliments and being treated a particular way romantically. Without these elements I don't feel necessarily attracted or seen. I understand how this sounds, but it is hard to explain. It simply seems that there is a lack of compatibility here, even though he is completely content with me, which he said explicitly. We are both already aware of love languages too. Anyway, I don't want to let go of him or give up because I really value him and also acknowledge how rare this breed of male is. But I simply don't know what to do about this semi-incompatibility. He is aware of my needs and frustration and we have discussed it in length, but I feel annoying bringing it up too much and he has already expressed how he dislikes it when I bring up negative things during a positive moment, although he does acknowledge those simply are my feelings. I just don't want to keep bugging him about how the way he talks to me sometimes and treats me makes me feel unappreciated, unseen, ignored and frustrated, especially in comparison to how I speak to and treat him. It is especially difficult due to us being long distance for some months thanks to work, so I'm not going to push too much either until we can be together irl. But every time we talk the problem arises and it is becoming more and more jarring to me. It really turns me away from him and I don't know what to do about it. I love him for who he is but I can't tolerate this as a romantic relationship for the rest of my life. Being just friends is not an option. What do I do?
No. 202644
>>202642I have the same problem, but the issue is personality/communication. We were long distance for a year and it's easy to seem compatible online. He is perfect in every way - so loyal and sweet and kind and the hottest man I've seen in my entire life. Literally perfect except for one thing - we can't talk about the same things. I can't have deep conversations with him. Considering I can fall in love with someone purely through the depths of our conversations, it's pretty important to me. His humor and conversation is very simple and kinda boring.
But everything else is perfect. I know how rare finding him is so idk what to do. People have said you can find intellectual stimulation in friends or online, but I want it in a partner.
No. 202646
>>202642If he's not willing to do something as simple as saying nice things to you to make you feel loved, you are putting him on a pedestal. If he was that fantastic, he wouldn't dismiss your feelings as being "negative" when all you have been asking him to do is call you sweetie and tell you you're beautiful or whatever. Yes people have different ways of showing their affection, but if your partner were to say "please give me compliments and don't make me beg for them, it makes me feel loved when you say romantic things" over and over, it's obviously important to them, and you would try to do it, wouldn't you? If this guy can't be assed to do it, you are not the asshole here, he is. It's SO easy to do and you've told him how much it hurts that you don't hear those things from him. A fantastic partner would not want you to feel unloved and unseen. He does not seem to care about that. I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't think it's going to improve in the long run. There's no reason to try and cope with this. You should have higher standards. Despite what low value men would like you to believe, there are quality men out there who can fulfill all of your needs. If was one of those men he wouldn't be so obstinate about saying sweet nothings and cuddling etc. It literally costs nothing and no effort to do.
No. 202695
>>202642Anon, I know you can't see this clearly yet, so I'm going to spell it out for you in plain English: this guy is a dud, and you're putting him on a pedestal. Idk if that's intentional or not (maybe there was some lovebombing on his behalf at the beginning), but you've literally spent an entire post insisting this guy is great, yet provide little to no examples of such. On the other hand, you're very detailed about all the things that makes him a shitty partner.
Maybe you need to read your post again, because it's pretty damn clear you're not happy with this guy and he's not a good partner. Being loving and supportive is a basic requirement of any romantic relationship. Without it, you guys are essentially fuck buddies. I understand that words of affirmation aren't everyone's strong point, but in healthy relationships, both parties can discuss this and work together to accommodate each other. This guy, by your own admission, does not do this for you, and instead gaslights you for "being negative." Which you're not, you're literally expressing needs that all normal people have in a relationship.
I'm not going to tell you to outright dump this guy, but you should definitely consider it.
No. 202699
>>202646>>202647>>202695I tremendously appreciate your messages, as I didn't realise before how what I am longing for is normal and healthy. I felt terribly guilty for feeling frustrated and dissatisfied. However, I am going to have to out one of my previous posts here (I've been enjoying the relationship advice thread now that I have my first boyfriend) in which I highlight some of the great things about him.
>>202381>green flags: doesn't approve of large age gaps between people, even when it's legal, as it can be manipulative, predator, etc; is emotionally mature and communicates with me over everything; respects me and my trauma and understands what it means or tries to become educated on the topic; respects his mother and sister and has a close relationship with the rest of his family; had one long-term relationship before and it only ended because the girl cheated on him; is financially stable whilst also in university; respects me and treats me right. Unfortunately, he does watch porn, but it is at the very least pornography of girls masturbating. It still irks me and he has already stopped, I hope. I've simply never met anybody who understands me and my trauma the way he does, and treats me with such respect. I have already made a lot of progress in healing from my cptsd through my relationship with him and I am so grateful for it. Everybody else has always abused or ridiculed it, or simply didn't understand it enough to support me and treat me like a normal human being. We also have great and stimulating talks and he sees so much in me that I don't. He is such a great person all around, towards the people around him and his goals. That's just why I want to be so close to him and have it feel like I am his girlfriend. I'd be very honoured and it'd make me so happy. I know he wants this too and he wants me to be happy, but I haven't been explicit enough in explaining my concerns. Maybe… I'm not sure. Maybe these insights will change something of your opinions, I am very curious. But I am already highly appreciative of what you have all shared and I take it very seriously
No. 202750
Not my own relationship, but. An acquaintance of mine has been basically cheating on her boyfriend with another friend of ours. Nothing sexual as far as I know, but they are flirting, making out and cuddling up a lot, which is visibly upsetting the boyfriend when he has caught them. Now, this friend claims she is poly. I'll leave my personal opinions about that aside, but it pisses me off that she seems to act like it's okay to stab her boyfriend in the back because "she can't help it." They've been together for 3+ years and she's constantly threatened to break up with him over small dumb things. Now she tells him "You don't like me going out with another man? Break up with ME." She never asked for his consent for any kind of poly relationship and is basically forcing it into their lives like a selfish prick. The friend she's cheating with doesn't escape my ire either. I see everyone involved regularly so it's in my face constantly.
It's more worrisome that my own boyfriend (him and the cheating friend are good friends) is also defending it. Him and the friend shit on the boyfriend a lot for things he does, or being forgetful, etc. I don't have the whole picture obviously, but I don't understand it. It makes me paranoid that if my boyfriend is clearly okay with cheating (under a coat of "poly" paint), then what's stopping him from doing it himself one day?
No. 202753
>>202751I have brought it up to my boyfriend. He's mentioned before he was "poly-curious", but hasn't really been in any poly relationship and we got together explicitly as a mono couple. So it logically shouldn't be an issue but I brought up my feelings. But him and the friend are best friends and have known each other for years so I guess he's become blind to any bad habits of hers. I have told him that if the friend (and her new paramour) come over I don't want to see them and do not approve of anything they are doing. No one else that knows about it seems to think what they are doing is wrong (besides her actual boyfriend) that I feel like I'm going crazy. To be honest, the negativity coming from the other couple is rubbing off on me. I really shouldn't care because it doesn't involve me directly, but it offends my sense of morals.
I said I wouldn't go into my personal opinions, but poly has and will always seem to me like the most selfish thing to do. It's basically telling your partner "you will never be enough" or "I'm still immature and want to sleep around on you and fear any kind of commitment." That's how it has played out for any I've seen in real life.
No. 202774
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>>186159>>186208I'm this anon – I ignored everyone's advice because I realized the man I was dating was far too spergy to be a player and I chose to just let things play out. Three months in, a mutual friend of ours asked if we were "official" and he said "What do you mean? It's been three months. Of course she's my girlfriend." In hindsight I can see that I was not clear about my intentions at all, and he had every right to feel hesitant in calling me his gf – I was holding him at arms length and hoping he'd take it upon himself to close the gap. HOWEVER, the advice from anons was still good! – if any anon reading this can identify with my original post (picrel), I want her to read the responses and really think about the kind of man she is dating and what she wants from him, and the effort she has given vs. the effort he gives back.
No. 202790
File: 1629628901063.png (1.49 MB, 1242x2688, A587D77F-7AE7-4A5A-BD6F-1FA9B4…)
Thoughts on this please
No. 202821
>>202818>>202782Maybe being in a relationship added new responsibilities to the relationship, or you feel more on edge and scared of it going wrong or something (cos then you'd lose him as a friend too).
I was once in a relationship with a good male friend. I realized that flirting with him and the "forbiddenness" (I understand it's not really forbidden but idk how else to explain it), the novelty of getting with your best friend made it exciting and made the idea of being with him better than actually being with him.
No. 202829
>>202821I think you are right on the « forbidden flirting » being much more enjoyable than the relationship. I think maybe it could work out between us but we moved way too quickly from ambiguous friends to unequivocal « serious » bf and gf.
>>202823I see what you mean and my first instincts were to stop it in its tracks very quickly, after the first few days in fact. But I can’t help but think my reactions are simply over the top. I also left my first boyfriend after a short relationship (a few months) got sour in the same way. It feels like a me-problem, like I just have an issue with being with someone and not just pinning after someone or flirting, like I have commitment issues when I start to know them better. It just reared its head extremely quickly in this case because I knew my current boyfriend on the back of my hand before we even got together. I want to at least try to make it better… and I don’t want to hurt him
No. 202830
>>202829I get you, I feel the same way and it's an actual problem I can't fix. I can't find any solution online.
I pine after people and go after them but once we're together, it kind of fizzles out immediately and I sort of friend-zone them lol. But I can still see that they're attractive and a good person and I don't get why my stupid body isn't enjoying being with them.
No. 202879
>>202877I’m wondering whether it’s some sort of stupid coping mechanism I’ve developed. Because I pine HARD after men then feeling nothing. I feel so frustrated. I just want to feel something.
It’s not just romance though it is most visible in that area. It’s with everything, I seem to enjoy the frustration and chase more than the achievement, after which I feel meh. Which is terrible because I get no relief from the buildup. It’s like a ruined climax.
No. 202895
>>202879Did your parents give you enough attention and affection growing up? Were any of them
abusive? Not asking to be bitchy, I'm genuinely curious because a lot of my friends, male and female, are like you.
It's always been strange to me because I'm the opposite of you, if a guy gives off bad vibes or looks disinterested in any way I feel repulsed and angry. I feel like chasing men is beneath me, it should be the other way around. I grew up ugly too so it's not my looks, women in my family just had strong personalities and I grew up to be like them.
No. 202898
>>202895I wonder about my upbringing sometimes. My parents and I have a good relationship. My dad and I clash sometimes, but I wouldn't say it's
abusive or beyond what is normal. Typical parent/daughter arguments lol. They raised me well and I love them. But my mum did slap me a lot when I misbehaved, and my dad moved country when I was 2-3 before he brought us over, that's the only thing I can think of.
I did grow up ugly too. I only turned beautiful around 20ish. I want my men to love me more than I love them, but I want the chase too. The women in my family also have strong personalities. I've been self sufficient since age 18 and I have my own business - I think maybe I try to be too strong or something so maybe my brain stops me from getting too close with a guy after the chase. Maybe.
Dunno how to fix it tbh. Maybe I need to just keep seeing the same man until I suddenly feel something one day.
No. 202918
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>>202915People don't say stuff like that to their partners for no reason. Sounds like he's changed his mind about marriage and doesn't want to break the news abruptly, so he is trying to walk back by hinting at it and gauging your reaction. At the very least you know he's holding back and not that excited about the commitment or prioritizing you as his life partner. Sorry anon but you can do better
No. 202921
>>202915He's right though? Romantic love isn't unconditional, you have to work at it and treat your partner right or they will (justifiably) walk away. It's a lot of work and not everyone is cut out for it. Parents can't just abandon their child once they turn out to be a sociopath or vice versa, and this is why it's said to be unconditional. Unconditional love isn't a good thing at all.
Why are you upset about it? He's proving to you that he loves you. He wants to put in the effort and make the relationship last because he chooses to be with you every day and you make him happy. If you didn't or he wasn't sure, you'd be a forever-gf or get dumped. If something is going wrong, it's better to be with someone who chooses to be with you every day because they think it's worth the effort, than with someone who loves you 'unconditionally' no matter what and lets you walk all over them. That's not love, that's codependence.
No. 202954
>>202953Nayrt. Unconditionally means under no condition. If there are conditions that would cause you to stop loving them, you don't love them unconditionally, even if those conditions are never met. Believe it or not you will never ever know another person completely. It may not ever effect you or even be a negative thing, but people have been blindsided by hurtful things from a seemingly good partner before. It's fine and dandy to think you'd definitely be able pick someone perfect for you, but people lie and people change. If you were blindsided by something awful your child did, chances are you'd still love them because you made them. If it were your partner, things should be different. And that's a good thing, anon. You should have high standards and expectations for people you invite into your intimate life. Don't get it confused with loving someone despite natural things happening to you like age, health, finances, time. That is the kind of love that is healthy with your "forever" partner.
No. 202989
>>202790I have an ex who broke up with me and said "maybe we'll meet again in the future and it'll work" and it was the weirdest thing to hear mid break up talk. Like this article said it's an 'open door' comment that robbed me of closure for a while there. Thing is, he left me for another woman… then wants an opening to come back if that falls apart. He was already thinking that far ahead? He sent me a housewarming gift after I moved out and he's "there for me if I need anything" He tried to maintain contact for over a year afterwards and act caring towards me? All while with this new partner and planning a future where they blend their families together as they both have kids. Nuts.
That experience opened my eyes to the fact that some people just don't want to be alone and will hop into any relationship they can rather than being single. I think in his case it's about wanting steady sex and fearing being stuck sexless for long periods of time. I know for some women it's more of an emotional thing than that. Their self esteem might be resting on securing a partner at all times. To me being single is better than recycling old broken relationships. I wish I had clearly said to him that no I won't be here if he ever wants to try again. I was just so taken aback by it.
> Sorry, We're just not working out. I've met someone. > We might give it another go down the line though. You never know! Stay in touchIt's such a lose lose situation. It's treating me like crap, treating his current partner like crap and if those are his standards and he can't just be single then it's on some level treating himself like someone who can't even find affection without recycling previously scorned partners. Scraping together any remnants of feeling that might be left.. It's sad.
No. 202993
>>202982> But that's not something you usually tell your partner.Bingo. It's like telling someone you're in a long-term relationship with it has a high chance of not working out and you won't be together forever. It's likely true, but who the fuck wants to hear that?
>>202990Of course it's possible. There are some genuinely good guys out there. I think the important thing is to drop someone at the first sign of disrespect, though. The worst thing is sticking around with trash because you don't think there's anything better out there.
No. 203038
>>203037Drop him
My bf gets me a hot water bottle and cuddles with me. Why would you stay with anyone who dismisses your pain.
No. 203044
I feel kind of bad lately
We've been dating for some months now
and I feel… not appreciated, i guess
He comes from a family with little money, and its fine, mine is also similar
But like, I try to gift him things, I gave him something for christmas, on his birthday i gave hijm money to spend on a game, and took my time to go to his house to see him and give him sweets ( despite me having a busy schedule in college and living far from him )
on valentines day i gave him many sweets, and he said he would give me something from a game which i wanted, and He didn't give me until this day, and also in valentines day, a aunt of his bought my a moisturizer, so that he could give me something, and when i thanked him he just went: oh i don't know what that is, my aunt chose
which is… idk frustating, because I go out of my way to gift him and give him nice things
and the only thing "he" gave me, he didn't even choose, or care to look for something i like, letting another person pick the gift for his girlfriend
my birthday is coming up and i just know i won't be gettig anything
and i also pick him up and let him home, eveytime
even when its at my house, i pick him up and get him home
And we never went out to eat or anything, is always, at his house, or at my house
I feel bad for feeling unapreciated and expecting things but i can't help it
No. 203051
>>203044All you seem to want is an equal effort back, that's entirely reasonable.
Thing is, guys who put in very little effort this early on generally won't change. It's all downhill from here if you're already dealing with this.
No. 203080
>>203074I had written a draft for a message to him which would state I simply won't limit myself for him and that it was wrong of me to give him the benefit of my unconditional loyalty. That I will stop expecting romantic advances from him and stop actively viewing him as a romantic partner. That he is still free to act as he wishes and that I am not rejecting him, but simply redefining what exists between us as feels more accurate. Yet I am frightened I might ruin everything and push him away. Maybe things will be better bu Christmas. I keep thinking this… I am so scared I might give him the wrong idea… That I don't like him and don't want to be his girlfriend… But that is the entire issue… I
do want to be his girlfriend, but not under these circumstances, and that is what I am trying to tell him… But I can't say it that explicitly, because he already knows this, and we were going to wait until Christmas and reconsider everything again then. It would be a clean slate and we would both be reenergised and he can try again. But it doesn't feel right to me. Everything is bothering me right now, for some reason. I struggle to just ignore it until Christmas. There are so many concerns I have. I understand he can't give me a lot of attention right now because of LDR and school, but I am still so hurt… I am thinking I should just focus on myself during this time and that was the entire plan. Then I would myself be focused more on things that fulfill me as opposed to whether or not he messaged me. But it doesn't feel right to me. It seems like the wrong decision. Also, shouldn't a boyfriend and girlfriend be able to have both? Their own lives but also making time for the other to just send some nice messages, even if you have a busy schedule? Wouldn't you want that? Because that's what I want… And that is one point of conflict, I think. Does any of this make sense? I am so so confused. I keep thinking I have reached a conclusion but then I realise other things again.
No. 203081
File: 1629859905541.jpg (44.67 KB, 642x667, feelsbad.jpg)
how would you react if you found out your boyfriend was obsessed with uwutubers? i love him but i'm sad
No. 203085
>>203080I know exactly what you mean anon. It's very painful to feel the way you do, I've been there before. If you take time that should be spent on focusing on yourself, but all you can do is worry about him/your relationship. Don't ruin yourself over a guy, ever. Trust your intuition and don't let anyone hurt you like this. If you feel like it's going nowhere and the pain is eating you from the inside, you must know that you deserve better, and you can find someone that doesn't make you feel like this. Don't fall into the trap of wishful thinking that everything will be okay after x and y. Make yourself clear without pushing him away, be blunt with him, tell him your fears. You're only human, and he can either understand where you're coming from and work on it, or break it off in which case it only means you're meant to have someone else in your life, perhaps someone who doesn't make you feel this badly. There were many times where I never voiced my fears with partners, I always regretted it, because in the end I was suffering alone. I hope everything goes well anon, I know things look scary now but the pain of feeling unloved when you're with someone hits harder than the pain of loneliness.
No. 203089
>>203081Do you mean vtubers? Or egirls? I would wholeheartedly agree with
>>203083 when it comes to egirls, but I'm a filthy weeb so I'd probably tolerate it if my man developed vtuber autism as long as he wasn't spending money on them.
No. 203141
>>203106If you enjoy it, don't stop doing it. But I definitely hate whenever I am groped at random. It is so demeaning, like
>>203109 illustrated.
No. 203273
>>203271>having a break from a longterm relationship that did have a positive outcomeIt's possible they can help if there are very clear terms and goals, but it is typically a break up with extra steps, yeah. I've taken a month-long break before while a partner worked on himself in therapy to try and achieve a specific outcome. When we got back together did things improve? Yes, for a while. Did it ultimately save the relationship? No, he backslid and things imploded. The sad reality is that a month or even several months is not anywhere near enough to overcome mental health issues that have been present for someone's entire life. Real change takes hard, consistent work over
years and you don't want to put your life on hold for someone to get their shit together.
In your situation, you're already halfway out the door. You clearly need space from this guy for your own well-being and probably his too. Maybe you could still see him while you live apart, but it's not going to be the same scenario as what you have now (you wouldn't be "real" partners) and you need to decide if that would even be worth it to you. Could you see him and get some of the perks of a relationship without having to be near the heavy fog of his anxiety every day? Or would it ultimately still affect you and you'd be better off focusing entirely on yourself so you can move on?
No. 203477
>>203474>>203474idk it's just that it looked like softcore porn, it really
triggered me for some reason, youre right though
nonny im sorry
No. 203503
File: 1630239978128.jpeg (97.07 KB, 750x724, 672A1DF1-5DEC-4DB3-9A20-10DB1B…)
I’ve been with a great guy (sweet, caring, always pays for me and gets me gifts) for 6 months and it seems these days that I’ve just lost physical attraction to him and want to see him as a friend
I think it might be my commitment issues because he’s let me know that he wants to marry me and sees short-term dating as a waste of time, but I won’t be ready for that level of commitment for a long time. We’re still in college and I want to be able to graduate and go where I want + do what I want without strings attached
I feel like if I break up with him, I would be shooting myself in the foot because he’s such a great provider with a promising career on top of having a genuinely nice personality, but on the other hand I’m getting my own degree and know intuitively it’ll be better to support myself and live with less instead of rushing into this huge decision I’m not ready for… I would also break his heart and find it hard to forgive myself
In the past, whenever he brought up our long-term future together, I just smiled and nodded and said “maybe” because I didn’t want to hurt him and wasn’t even sure of whether or not I wanted that myself. I’m thinking of telling him about the stress that the long-term implications of this relationship have been causing me and offer to stay in the relationship if we can just take it one day at a time.
What do you nonies think? Any advice or commentary on my situation is very appreciated
No. 203504
>>203503>I’m thinking of telling him about the stress that the long-term implications of this relationship have been causing me Absolutely, be completely open with him, he deserves no less.
>and offer to stay in the relationship if we can just take it one day at a timeNo. Make it a dialog, not an ultimatum. Listen to what he desires and what his plans are (ask even if you think you know), and if they really don't match with yours just break it off, don't try to convince him to have a relationship on a level not satisfying to him. That never ends well.
No. 203668
File: 1630394027795.jpg (51.24 KB, 640x436, Flirting, 1896.jpg)
>>203656It's such a pain in the ass. I don't know if it's because I'm kind of mentally stunted or I'm just a dumbass, lol.
>Do you know how seriously he considers this relationship with you?He's told me multiple times that he wants to share his life with me, but I am not letting myself get too excited over this just in case our plans go South where we end up splitting.
Other than that I am pretty much just going with the flow since we've only been dating for a year now. He really does make me feel loved (but I'm still wary lol) but I feel like his annoyance makes up 20% of the relationship and I guess it's normal for that happen? I am probably kind of annoying to him sometimes, too.
>it's important to know your boundaries so that when/if he does something annoying that crosses the line for you that you know that's your sign that it isn't going to work out.I've always struggled with this in the past with friends, but I for sure won't let this happen this time.
I really appreciate your words, anon.
You're like an angel sent from the digital heavens. No. 203687
>>203675Though I don't believe at all a guy is going to stop if he isn't even ready to do the minimum of legwork himself and it's all on you, AND he already watches it once a week (as far as you know, but considering he seems to delete his browser history or whatever, you can't even know that), here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-i6zYkIbnHqljJ6kw0aIlJu3qX_fsRSl6GOgnB1knbQ/editPage 46 to 71.
I agree with
>>203681 though. Even if he watches normal stuff, how normal can it be if 88% of all videos show at least one instance of physical agression against women and he wants to put it up your fucking butt (doesn't matter that he didn't insist or push for it, the interest alone is disturbing enough)? If it's loving sensual passionate uwu amateur stuff it's very likely revenge porn the moid in the clip uploaded. Doesn't even matter on a moral high ground basis, what he does is what I'd consider cheating even if everything were really as safe and
valid as everyone tries to push nowadays.
No. 203704
>>203677>>203692We're both in our 30s and we both tried monogamous relationships during our 20s but none worked. I just felt trapped and he was dumped during wedding preparations.
Anyways I decided to bluntly ask him about his fears and it's not related, he still has some trauma he has to face and he's just scared he will sabotage the relationship somehow. As long as he doesn't do anything fucked up I'm sticking with him.
No. 203718
This is quite stupid of me, but it is awkward when you can tell a partner is excited about something sexual because they remember it was fun with their ex. I have these huge platform stripper shoes and I finally wore them during sex with my bf and he was really excited about the possibility of him being able to have sex with me standing up and it was so immediate I knew he suggested that because of his ex who was his height. It embarrasses I even care because I know it's not like a bad thing, everyone picks up stuff they life from their exes, but it's hard because I hate my height so bad. I'm a mid range height (5'4'') and he knows I hate being that height. I have told him so many times how I wish I were tall and more intimidating, and he always tells me he likes my height because it's a perfect distance from his face, etc. and it's not that I don't believe him but I hate how as soon as I get taller with those shoes he immediately wants to fuck me in a way that takes advantage of my height. I am not angry or anything at him, but it's hard because I'm so sensitive about my height and even though his ex was a lot more unattractive than me, I'll always admire that she was tall and it makes me feel like shit. I know this is stupid, it's just like one of my biggest insecurities and my boyfriend has always seemed to think it's not that big of a deal, but then it's obvious it'd be nice if I was tall. I hate my brain, anons. Is there any way I can not break down crying when we do end up having sex with me standing in those platform boots?
No. 203721
>>203719You are right.
>>203720But that makes me feel like a pussy, anon!
No. 203729
>>203723Ideally, I'd be able to deal with my insecurities first. But I will likely tell him. I am quite open with him, it's just very embarrassing to me I'm insecure about this.
>>203726Most of the time I am just naked.
No. 203759
>>203756im so sorry nona but
>>203757 is right, i know i couldnt go without any kind of erotic material for a year, and i know some anons will be like you dont NEED porn to masturbate but like, no. you need a visual or something you cant masturbate to your imagination for a year. What kind of pictures though? pictures of girls on reddit sounds tame
No. 203761
>>203757>>203759I guess I can see that, but it still feels weird coming from a guy who made a big show of saying how guilty looking at porn while in a relationship makes him feel. Like sure, I agree that browsing the front page of r/gonewild is nowhere near as bad as looking at hentai or actual porn, and I'd drop him without the slightest hesitation if that turns out to be the case. Nonetheless this hits me right in some very old and sore insecurities about my body, my aversion to acting 'sexy', etc. I feel now like I am just not good enough, even though the problem isn't with me but with the lack of sexual stimulation.
tl;dr i get it but it sucks
No. 203771
>>203767So you admit you're pornsick. Good
>>203756It sounds like your relationship is already over, honestly. But if you want to salvage it, you'll have to consider what you're willing to forgive. Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with a man who emotionally cheated on you when you were in pain? Are his motivations for cheating understandable to you? Is boredom or impatience a good enough reason to lie to and hide things from you?
Also, the way he harped on the issue even though you had other responsibilities doesn't sit right with me. He's the one who fucked up here. He should be more considerate of you in these situations, not making it all about him and his agenda. Honestly if I were you, I'd break up with him and focus on working through my own issues. It's really hard to be in a relationship when you have unprocessed trauma, especially the kind that impedes intimacy. I hope that you'll do what's best for yourself and that someday you'll feel happier and healthier, and have the chance for a fulfilling sexual relationship of your choosing.
No. 203772
Samefagging to say
>>203761>I feel now like I am just not good enough, even though the problem isn't with me but with the lack of sexual stimulation.No, the problem is with your moid. He lied to you about his viewpoint on pornography use during a relationship, and then acted flabbergasted that you took him at his word. The more I think about it, the more disgust I have for him.
No. 203780
>>203748Sorry anon, I know it's probably something you don't want to hear, but staying friends with someone you're in love with is typically a bad idea. The emotions are still going to be fresh, and can you genuinely say that if she mentioned getting another fwb or even a partner that you'd remain entirely unaffected and the pain/anxiety that would cause would be worth having her in your life platonically? Very likely not the case. You should be kind to yourself and let go fully so her presence isn't reminding you of what you couldn't have (romantically).
>>203776>less than 24h ago, we had anons sharing articles on radical feminism. And now we have several people blaming OP for feeling rightfully upset that she's been dating a liar with no empathy? Ah, the duality of lc.
No. 203783
>>203776I don't give a shit if there are articles about radical feminism somewhere else on the site, its irrelevant I'm stating my own opinion on this particular thread.
>Yeah OP has issues, she even admitted so herselfI'm not being rude, I'm stating the obvious. If she has mental issues, and she can't find a guy who matches the problems she's dealing with, she really needs to leave for his and her sake. Yeah you're right, sex does not equal romance, it does for a lot of us, maybe not for your crusty ass either, but OPs boy seems to be fine with not having it, yet she's still picking him apart? She sounds like a massive karen and that's why I said she should leave him alone and go find someone suitable.
No. 203785
File: 1630471295250.jpg (3.23 KB, 88x88, frog.jpg)
I just got in a new relationship a few months ago. So far he's been perfect to me in every way, until I jokingly admitted I'm a TERF and don't like transgenderism. His immediate reaction was him saying he hopes I'm joking and that it's a dealbreaker. He has a trans family member and is extremely defensive of his family in general, but I didn't expect him to react that way. I immediately played it off as a joke because I like him a lot and don't want to break up over disagreeing on trannies. More than anything it hurt my feelings that he'd break it off over that when we both agreed that we have a great relationship together. What should I do at this point?
No. 203786
>>203785Oh
Nonnie. Don't be ashamed of being a
TERF. You should feel out what he really feels about it. He may have a trans family member but does he genuinely like trans people or care about trans issues? If yes, stay away because he's a chaser. If he's just being okay with trans people because his sibling made him accept it, you might be able to fix his brainwashing.
No. 203793
>>203756I can't believe the bs I'm reading upthread. I can't say anything
>>203771 >>203772 hasn't said already, but she's completely right. You said he feels soooo guilty looking at porn in a relationship, but if he really did, he wouldn't act so surprised when you were rightfully hurt by his behaviour (because it wouldn't have come up in the first place). His guilt about this kinda stuff is conditional, and the condition is that there's a better alternative to porn.
No. 203804
>>203785I had a similar issue with my bf. He said pretty early on that being “transphobic” was one of his dealbreakers, but he didn’t try to hassle me when I gave a good explanation as to why I’m a
TERF (ex: the appropriation of women’s medical struggles like PCOS, vaginismus, etc.).
He tries to pride himself on being a “good guy” and has trans-identifying friends online, but he values our relationship more than anything else. If your bf isn’t willing to hear you out, then that’s a character flaw.
No. 203805
>>203785I'm really similar to
>>203804My boyfriend has a ftm friend and I didn't tell him I was a
terf until, like, a year into the relationship, lol. He's a lib and reacted pretty well to it honestly and I think that was only because I shared reasons you can't really argue against. We're still together despite him and the ftm knowing each other for a really long time, way longer than him knowing me.
No. 203806
>>203785Lucky, you didn’t commit to either a coomer or someone who’d expect you to sit next to some coomer tranny every Christmas.
You could have gotten married or worse, had a child with this guy before finding out his family has a probably groomer.
No. 203815
>>199869Yeah don't be with anyone who makes you feel that way.
>>202388Good post.
No. 203826
File: 1630510990401.jpg (101.66 KB, 1080x913, 1610928592363.jpg)
Why wouldn't your bf tell you what kind of porn he watches unless its cp or gay porn(can confirm it's not the second one)? I'd imagine that he has a very specific preference for some physical trait on the women who appear on it that you don't share. How do I confront my bf and make him know that I'm not okay with porn? He was so elusive about the topic the only time I forced him to talk about this. Unfortunately I think I showed myself to be understanding about his activity, which is not how I really feel. He disappointed me. Have any of you confronted your partners or friends on this topic? What happened?
No. 203846
>>203839It's extremely important on average unfortunately, though on a case-by-case basis you'll also find lots of exceptions to this.
Even when someone is in conflict with their family because of abuse or other problems from the parents' end, a great deal of emotional instability, addiction problems, disagreeableness, and other risky traits are at least somewhat heritable. As people grow older, the heritable factors also tend to become more important, cue the midlife-crisis realization of "oh my god, I've become just like my parents". This means that even when a young person is otherwise sweet and sane, if he treats his family with indifference or hostility even for a justified reason, a long-term future with him could eventually turn bad. It's much safer to choose someone whose parents are good, emotionally warm and stable people, and who is close with his family members (in a healthy way of course, not codependent). Again, though, this is just in terms of probabilities, some good people also have shitty parents.
No. 203847
>>203839I think it can definitely say a lot, but if he has a bad relationship with his female family members that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad partner. Anyone can have a strained relationship with their family, it's only when he specifically treats his female relatives badly because they are women that you should watch out. If he belittles his mom or sister or throws mysogynistic insults at them, that's a sign that he has a problem with women in general and probably won't respect you either.
People do mention it with women and their fathers as well, but I think that's a bit different. While a bad or absent father can certainly influence how a woman thinks of men, it doesn't seem as common for women to have a bad relationship with their male relatives caused by their disdain for men. More like the other way around, if that makes sense.
No. 203848
>>203832It's definitely not the same anon. Having
valid criticisms of men's shittiness versus contributing to the prevalence of human trafficking/general abuse and reducing human intimacy to a shabby facsimile of what it should be isn't even in the same realm. Any decent guy (of which there are few) would be understanding of that frustration and wouldn't begrudge you venting.
No. 203850
>>203839It does depend on individual circumstances but it should be fairly obvious when exceptions arise. I wouldn't begrudge a partner getting upset with their mom if she was
abusive, but I've also had the opposite scenario occur. That is, all my partner's female relatives were cool girl pickmes who endlessly excused and laughed off their scrotes' terrible behavior, hence he placed them on a pedestal and wondered why other women weren't as accommodating. I would go with
>>203846 advice and say just look at family dynamics in general. If his relationships are good is that because he's putting in an effort or because the women make it super easy for him and the only "disagreements" surround what's being made for dinner? A man growing up seeing his mom accept a ton of bullshit while dad fucks around is going to assume he should get away with the same even if he says he's better than that. It takes a lot of internal work to overcome bad dynamics, and most men don't have the capacity or desire to do it.
No. 203883
>>203847>People do mention it with women and their fathers as well, but I think that's a bit different. While a bad or absent father can certainly influence how a woman thinks of men, it doesn't seem as common for women to have a bad relationship with their male relatives caused by their disdain for men.I totally agree
nonnie, I’ve noticed this too. Even women with deadbeat dads or women who have been in straight up
abusive relationships aren’t usually manhaters. If anything, women tend to internalize and turn into pickmes/people pleasers because we tend to think
we’re always the problem.
Idk if having a bad relationship with family is a red flag, some people are really just shitty and hard to get along with, but I’d definitely say that a guy who loves his female family members isn’t the green flag that most women think it is. Being a good son or a good brother doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole when it comes to your gf/wife, it’s a completely different dynamic. I’ve met plenty of guys with close female friends/family who turned out to be creeps.
No. 203894
File: 1630559149261.jpeg (27.05 KB, 240x240, 99F1CEED-B6E1-49B6-A96D-B3D0AD…)
Hey nonnies. I just broke things off with my six month FWB. He had me convinced that he really acted about me but would go days without messaging me back. When I sent him the text all he had to say was “okay see ya :)”. I’ve had guys I was seeing for three weeks say more when I broke it off with them. I told myself I wasn’t gonna get my feelings hurt but I feel like a complete idiot. Any words of reassurance from other victims of fuckboys would be v appreciated right now.
No. 203896
File: 1630560085860.jpg (128.11 KB, 1080x1080, XnyT1B4Xki4.jpg)
>>193118I'm 30 and I've never been in a relationship. I really wanted to but I don't like the guys who like me and the guys who I like never like me back. I also have had some random sex here and there but it never went further because I was getting scared for no reason.
I have a feeling that something is wrong with me and I start losing hope.
No. 203955
File: 1630615467049.jpg (46.16 KB, 516x767, 1624272291437.jpg)
Anons with successful relationships, how do you meet a genuinely good man? Where are they? When does it happen? I have been through abusive relationships with men to where my mind feels quite broken. Looking at men on dating apps is extremely depressing. I'm 28 right now and I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm slipping into the "being forever alone" mindset because men are just so depressing. Where can I go/look?
No. 203958
>>203955Many people in relationships compromise/settle in order to just not be alone. No one, even the most beautiful, successful, amazing woman, is guaranteed a healthy and successful relationship. It's primarily persistence and even more so luck. If being a parent is something you want to experience then think about your cutoff age for pregnancy and have a back-up plan if you haven't met a guy by then. Sperm donor, freezing your eggs, adoption.
As for where to meet good guys, dating apps are utter shit. While there are rare exceptions the vast majority of men on them are desperate, degenerate and unhinged. Develop broader friend circles, do more activities where your ideal person might spend time (volunteering, clubs, fitness, classes, shows). Most of all just focus on yourself though. The most you can do is continually put yourself in positions where you meet new and interesting people, but there's still no certainty that you'll find a good guy. Simply put, they are exceedingly rare and shouldn't be the golden goose you bet all your happiness on. Having a partner isn't the only way to avoid loneliness. Make friends, give back to your community, create your own family.
No. 204017
>>204006A couple times to one time a week is average.
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-often-married-couples-have-sexSo daily is definitely more than most. Personally I have a high sex drive so I get where your boyfriend is coming from, but having been with lower libido partners having sex less often was tolerable so long as there was lots of general physical affection and attempts to meet each other halfway. And no I wasn't getting UTIs constantly, basic hygiene and cleaning up after sex goes a long way. In any case I hope it doesn't make you feel shitty. Someone expressing their wants doesn't mean they think less of you just because you're not quite on the same wavelength. Hopefully in some sense it actually makes you happy that he wants you that often.
No. 204028
>>204022>>204016I agree. OP, even his best friend has had enough of his shit, that should tell you something. Why choose to deal with a codependant guy and a dependant animal and all the issues they bring.
Whatever you do don't make the mistake of moving in with them. In fact, in general you shouldn't consider moving in with anyone who doesn't have their shit together.
Also,
>>203910>She was happy people thought she was banging her son.Ewwwwwww ewwwwwwww ewwwwww
No. 204044
File: 1630685666071.jpg (84.3 KB, 907x1360, 61O5eAdNVEL.jpg)
I need some advice.
Two weeks ago, I went to a party with a bigger group of friends. We all got pretty drunk and stuff and had a lot of fun dancing. There was a guy that has recently split up with his gf around the same time I split up with my bf. He was quite good looking so we danced, kissed, touched a lot and so on in front of the other friends. After I sobered up a bit in the morning, I became a bit uncomfortable with it and it was veeeery awkward to kiss him goodbye. I'm normally quite a shy and reserved person (I just wanted to have fun partying after a stressful period of time). Now I message with him from time to time but I'm sure I only wanted to have fun because I'm touch starved, I don't want to be in a relationship with him because he isn't at all what I'm looking for (he's the 'traditional' kind of guy, lives in a different city too).
What is my problem is that I absolutely don't know how to treat him next time we meet. And I don't know how to treat him afterwards. We're probably gonna meet in front of other friends too, with our whole friend group and it's gonna be awkward in front of them. He's probably gonna want to kiss me as a greeting because I was into it before and I know it's gonna be awkward as fuck to interact with him. Some of those friends know him well but the guy himself is pretty much a stranger to me. The thing is I'm up for touching and fun when partying but not up for casual sex or for a relationship. I don't know how to tell him this.
How should I act? I'm a mid-twenties adult but I don't have much romantic experience so I just cringe so much thinking about it. I should probably text him this first before we meet with other friends present?
No. 204049
>>204048Yeah, wouldn't wait around for him to cheat or go through a year-long drawn out breakup while they orbit each other. Doesn't really matter how long you guys have been together, it's not like you will be life partners if this is how willing he is to prioritize you. I know it hurts but it's going to hurt much more if you keep putting in effort while he lies and extorts you because of a "friend". Honestly it sounds like you're pretty much done with him too, and from the outside that's clearly the right call.
If things don't work out with new chick he'll also come back all regretful and say he realized what he lost etc etc, don't fall for it.
No. 204052
>>204049I know it just hurts so bad. There is a big saving grace in that my SO did mention to them that they were in a relationship but it was never to that person directly. That is the only thing that makes me feel like there is still a chance but they are unwilling to remove them from their life and truly apologize. They are clearly prioritizing these opposite-sex friends over our relationship. My SO also made a comment saying they've gas lit me into a 6 year relationship and I brought it up and they just said it was a joke.
It could be but I really don't know and my trust for them is completely gone at this point so I don't know what to believe.
I'm so torn. This is a person I thought was the love of my life and I would've left my entire family and friends to move in with them a few states away after college.
My reality is so warped, I can't tell if I'm a controlling and jealous person incapable of a normal relationship or I'm with a narcissistic person and I've actually been gas lit this entire time.
Love is so blinding. I am 27 now and all I really wanted was to have a family with them.
No. 204054
>>204053I appreciate the advice. I just have been listening to music, running every day, and reading the Bible to find strength to carry on.
I even got them a $300 present to make up for the fighting like a week ago. Every time I mentioned that they broke my heart they just say "me too" like I'm the one who did something bad by saying I'm not okay and feel threatened by this opposite-sex friendship they've been hiding from me.
Sorry I'm just ranting now trying to get it out of my head. Thanks for the advice.
No. 204055
>>204054I'm sorry you're going through this but something about religious farmers cracks me up.
But yeah, best thing is to just drop him. From your reply it seems like he's not taking you seriously at all, just trying to get you to shut up so he can go back to talking to his discord buddies. And that's why I'd leave, not the conversations themselves. He's not validating your emotions. He's exerting more of his energy outside of the relationship than inside. That's not fair to either of you tbh. Keep your head up, I'm going through the break up blues myself so I get that it's a really shit time, and making decisions like that really suck.
No. 204057
>>204055Yeah you're right and its a hard pill to swallow. I think today will be the day we say our final goodbyes and I plan on cutting off all communications.
I hope you get through your break up as well and you become a more resilient woman because of it. You got this.
No. 204061
>>204057Thanks
nonnie, we got this. when we get too lonely we can always come laugh at our favorite lolcows while eating ice cream.
>>204060Maybe she's praying for us to not end up in hell or is trying to intervene in a cows life by guiding them to Christ. But either way it's funny to think of someone actually clutching their pearls/rosary and breaking out into prayer because she fucked up and opened a Shayna thread on accident.
No. 204062
File: 1630697669387.jpg (144.31 KB, 1280x720, E645XeYX0AIus6h.jpg)
I need to find a new guy to distract myself from this emotionally unavailable guy i'm into, problem is tinder is a shithole(i'm not that fond of online dating anyways but thats besides the point) and i'm living in a country where i dont speak the language very well(I know this is a major thing but I couldnt find guys in the country where I spoke the language either plus I live in a very international city so locals my age speak english and there are lots of expats) do i just go to bars alone and hope someone hits on me? i'm so frustrated no one asks me out ever i dont know what i'm doing wrong am i supposed to go up to people? i think i'm a fun and chill, i have many friends i get along with people easily, i'm not a model obviously but i think i'm good looking i'm positive that its not my looks thats turning people away from me, i dont know what the fuck is up with these moids? I'm very social I dont know what more I'm supposed to do to put myself out there? Even the fuckboys I hangout with from time to time(they are the only ones that approach me) are shocked when I say I haven't been on dates or had an irl boyfriend, i'm like you tell me??? like literally please tell me so i can fix whatevers wrong with me?? I met this bartender 2 weeks ago when I went out with my friends and we exchanged numbers planning to do something altogether but my friends ditched last minute so i went alone and it turned into a date, i actually went out with a guy and a girl friend that night and the bartender on our "date" told me he thought my guy friend was dating one of us so maybe i shouldnt go out with my guy friends because it gives the wrong impression? but none of my girl friends go out so i'm lost here. This is not a "I need a relationship to feel fulfilled" type of thing because I've been single all my life, all my relationships were online and the last one ended 4 years ago so I'm content with single life i'm used to it but I need intimacy and I dont want to turn into this toxic guy for it because it hurts me emotionally, my expectations are in hell i'd be okay with not having a relationship i just want someone to hangout with and be intimate so i'm demanding either? how low can i go to appease these scrotes? wtf i might as well walk around with a sign that says "hit me up" to meet guys. Bartender was nice and he wants to hangout again but I'm honestly not that into him because he is kinda annoying and arrogant but no one fucking approaches me I'm grasping at whoever comes along at this point I might hangout with him just because.
No. 204068
>>204064italy
nonnie, i moved from a europe adjacent country and no one would approach me there either, i thought italian men were supposed to be casanovas or something all they do is catcall i swear ill just respond to a stupid catcaller one day and see where it goes im so done with this shit
>>204065its driving me mad, i will try doing that you're right its cringe asking for a guys number but if thats what i have to do thats what i have to do, i never thought of looking for specific events because i'm in social spaces all the time like i go to uni every day and i go out to bars and dinners so there is an abundance of men but these retards never make a move, one constructive criticism i received from a male friend is that girls are supposed to show their interest to initiate a move from the guy which is why i started staring at random men when we go out so they could get the hint but even then they look away then look at me when i'm not looking stupid middle school shit like that. ughfffhghghhhhhhhhhhgh i hate men so much, making me go above and beyond for their average ass, do all women do this stuff to find men?
No. 204070
>>204068oh
nonnie i wish I could help you as an italian but alas I am probably a bigger autist than those moids kek. it sounds like you're doing everything right being social etc, eventually you'll meet someone cuz italian scrotes are thirsty af, sounds like you've just been unlucky. If there's a guy you like in uni just sit next to him and strike up conversation and at then exchange instagrams and keep talking there. In general esp if you're university aged asking for someone's ig is more common and acceptable than directly asking for their number especially if you met in a bar or something. Buona fortuna
No. 204071
>>204068Italian men are intimidated by girls, especially if you’re outgoing and confident. You might have luck if you go out with girls during the evening, and most of them are manchildren.
T. Italian anonita
No. 204073
File: 1630702620999.jpeg (53.25 KB, 680x510, 2.jpeg)
>>204068>>204070>>204071You need to understand that guys are picky and while they'd probably like to be intimate with you (sometimes), there is a strong need for social approval from their circle of friends. And if you're into the circle, get ready for very hard times.
No. 204076
>>204071>>204070thank you girlies i appreciate the insider info, this is why i like italian girls they’ve always been so nice to me and its so easy to make friends with you but italian men are so distant its like i need a plyer to take the words out of their mouth idg if its because they’re like shy or intimidated because i’m outgoing? or im a foreigner so they dont feel comfortable with english(eventhough girls seem fine with it)? I dont think i’m like annoyingly outgoing I’m the least outgoing in my friend group but maybe its still too much for them, i especially experience this with guys in my class i have most of them on instagram but we dont talk, maybe i should strike a conversation on there i never thought of it before. But again like maybe i’m retarded but i thought guys were supposed to do that stuff when they liked a girl you know? And its very true i also observed they’re thirsty as fuck and down to fuck whenever(like any other men from anywhere in the world tbh), i had the opportunity to take a guy home from the club couple of times but unfortunately i am virginia and i want to fix that situation before i pick up guys from clubs thats why i wanted a regular guy first but i feel like telling men you’re inexperienced here is a major turn off because they want to pump and dump and they think you’ll be attached, even the geezers at the club draw the line at virgin so i get the shit end of the stick either way. idk shit sucks i just want a warm body thats all.
>>204073>there is a strong need for social approval from their circle of friends. And if you're into the circle, get ready for very hard times.What did you mean by this nona i didnt get it. Like i need their friends approval first?
No. 204091
>>204076NTA but guys are super desperate for their friends approval and even if they like a girl, if he doesn’t think she’s hot enough to impress his friends or lacking in some way that his friends will point out and make fun of, he won’t claim her. But that just speaks to a certain kind of man and a stunted misogynist frat boy mentality. Blog but an ex-friend of mine has a thing with this guy in our college dorms and he literally talked shit to his friends about how she was fat and annoying.
Not too fat and annoying for him to sneak her into his room for blowjobs though.
No. 204148
>>204143This
My cousin isn't the most beautiful girl in the world, in fact she's pretty average. And she is who made me realize you shouldn't focus so much on looks. She's charismatic, fun to be around, very smart, and surrounded by awesome people. Everyone around her lights up because she has a way of making you feel good about yourself. She's also in a very happy relationship.
Now I'm pretty vain and love looking beautiful, but observing my cousin makes me invest in my personality even more.
No. 204223
>>204142Being extra mainstream attractive doesn't do much for women either. Men will be even more intimidated to approach you and you may get more attention over the likes of dating apps but it's attention from trash, not like all the good guys will suddenly pop out of their hiding places. I don't get the point of
>>204091 post since you never stated anything bad about your looks, the opposite actually. It is a good idea to check out a guy's friends since if he hangs out with garbage then he's garbage himself, but that's about it.
This whole progression of replies is confusing. Everything you said about your looks in your initial post was positive, then an anon responds saying you need to watch out if you're fat and unattractive (okay? what does this have to do with you?) because men will judge you for that, and now anons are jumping on you for suddenly feeling insecure bc of her post? Based on what you've said I'm certain you are plenty attractive to be accepted by the vast majority of men and not be derided as a fatty in their social circles kek. Like what is going on here? Just chat up men more often and take precautions to protect yourself, I'm sorry people itt are bringing up unrelated topics and making this more difficult than it needs to be.
No. 204228
>>204226I can’t imagine you live in a place so isolated (or too far from a larger city) that there are literally
zero free events anywhere, not in parks, coffee shops, bars, community centers, volunteering, colleges, theaters, libraries, museums, local Meetups or FB groups, just absolutely nothing. If you’re truly that far out in bumfuck nowhere then you’re going to have to move to interact with fellow humans or else sort through the trash on dating apps.
Honestly though if you have no interest in absolutely any hobbies, no money, no friends and are feeling this down on yourself simply because meeting people takes effort, you have bigger issues than dating and should probably address those things first.
No. 204234
File: 1630804314640.jpg (34.71 KB, 500x378, E98LkMMXMAY4WAt.jpg)
>>204223thank you
nonnie you're sooo soo kind ily, i feel uncomfortable saying i'm "pretty" or "attractive" because i'm an insecure person in general so saying that stuff about myself makes me cringe but i'm objectively not fat and beauty is subjective but i get told i'm pretty by men and women, idk based on the input i received throughout years i'm certain the issue is not my looks, i'll chat up men more often my irl friends say the same thing and the dating app thing is true i dont even bother with that anymore all men on there are creeps
>>204155thank you for this, i've been thinking about your reply the whole day, im scared of exposing my age because i'm not young enough to have an immature outlook on life, i do have aspirations, hobbies and other stuff going on in my life i dont beat myself over this every single day i just get frustrated from time to time due to lack of intimacy in my life, i promise i know its not the end of the world and there is more to life and i do have people in my life so its not like i'm lonely but its just not the same. It makes me frustrated because i do everything by the book and it comes so easy to most people, like you said ideally I should just be myself and eventually someone will like me but when you don't meet anyone year after year after year it spirals into nitpicking like if i'm not interesting enough or if i'm not sexy enough, stuff like that. It was a hard pill to swallow but tweaking my looks did help me get on the "market" so its apparent that moids care about looks more than anything else but I agree comprimising any further can take a toll on me mentally because I know I can never completely fulfill their expectations. At the end, you are right though its unsustainable and damaging to my sense of self I'll just have to go with the flow and hope for the best.
>>204143but i do all of that stuff for myself already, i have a life and interests i'm not a cardboard person, idk i dont want to sound like i'm not taking your advice seriously but everyone keeps saying this to me all the time and it just doesnt work in real life. What i've seen and experienced irl investing in my personality didnt merely do as much as investing in my looks, even with the guys where i was like he's definitely not like other men he'd go aooogaa over sexy women when there were women who were actually compatible with him on a personal level, but like i said i literally cant go any further from here unless i get surgery which is where i draw the line, i'd rather die alone than change my body permanently, anyways i dont know what my point is, i dont want to sound like i'm obsessed with my looks because i'm not i cant be fucked to dress up and put on makeup everyday, i simply can not convince myself to believe being myself and investing in my personality will help me find someone (because it didnt work) thats the only option here i cant do anything but sit and wait for this dumb scrote to find me.
No. 204273
>>204226What are you interested in? Pick a place each weekend that seems interesting and visit it.
And dating apps are awful, but you can find some good guys on there. I met my bf on Hinge, we were long distance for a year. It was totally unexpected though, I didn't plan on meeting anyone on the app just wanted to use it to laugh at moids. But yeah if I were single and looking again, I would NOT use dating apps.
No. 204279
>>204275Well intentioned but honestly terrible advice. Forcing your BF to change the way he acts or dresses for your mother's sake will make him insecure and resentful. Plus it probably wouldn't even work. OP's mom seems determined to distrust him, so trying in vain to meet her expectations will only exhaust all three of you.
>>204253Does your mom go to extremes like this all the time? Has she said the same thing about previous partners of yours? You mention that you don't even like your family all that much, so I wonder about the extent of their craziness. You might consider going no contact— but for your
own sake, not your BF's. There are so many layers to your situation I can't really say what's best… Just that I'm sorry you deal with so much bullshit. It must get tiring.
No. 204285
>>204279He's my first serious bf. She's honestly one of the reasons I was reluctant to date for so long, because I knew whatever man (or woman especially) I dated would definitely not be the kind of man she thought I was "supposed" to date.
>>204280Lol it's okay anon I know you mean well. I don't think my mom will ever be comfortable around him. Meeting him will probably convince her further that he's gay just because she'll have more information about him to twist around. Even just talking about him briefly, she had a comeback for everything I said about him. I mentioned he likes cars because it's a masculine hobby and she immediately pointed out that a gay person we know likes cars.
>>204279 is right I think, any interaction my bf has with my family will just exhaust me and my bf. I really don't think it would exhaust my mom that much, though. I think she loves feeling in control after not having much control all her life.
No. 204296
File: 1630859788968.jpeg (391.33 KB, 1040x1465, 9E23DC74-2696-4056-8966-CC1573…)
realistically how much would a guy care if his girlfriend didn't have any friends at all basically? i might force myself to meet men somehow but i'm friendless and i don't know how much of a dealbreaker that would be
No. 204299
>>204296I can see it being an awkward convo to have but it won't be a dealbreaker for alot of men if they like you anyway.
One thing to be mindful of though, controlling men love to isolate their partners. So when you're already isolated you'll sometimes attract men who see you as vulnerable and easy prey. Just something to watch out for. If worried about that test the waters by telling them you want to join a hobby or a class to make new friends, even if you don't. Just say it to see how they react and if they're supportive of the idea.
No. 204313
>>204296I'm in this situation
I just say that all my friends moved to their university towns/cities and we don't see each other often. I think he's the same though, so that helps. It might be weird for an extroverted man.
Also men in general just don't seem to care that much, if they like you.
No. 204338
>>204332Did he get violent with you or did he threaten with violence? Tolerating an angry outburst once lowers the bar the next time. Because if you don't do anything the first time, you won't do anything next time.
Not showing men the door the second they do things like this is exactly how women end up in emotionally and/or physically
abusive relationships. I'm not telling you to break up with him but please remember that especially if/when it happens again and think of your safety and emotional well-being. Be careful.
No. 204350
>>204348Conflicted? You wouldn't need comforting if he didn't attack you. I think you're just in shock.
>>204332>I don't want to talk to my friends about thisYou absolutely should, that's what they're there for. And they can also help you practically and not just with advice like us.
No. 204352
>>204332>What is wrong with me?You have just been through a traumatic event in which the man meant to love and protect you instead hurt and terrified you. It's completely normal to be confused, distraught, and unsure of your next steps. It's a good thing that you reached out for a second opinion.
>I don't want to talk to my friends about this.This indicates that you're ashamed of this situation, which makes me think he's hurt you before. Perhaps not on this scale, but badly enough and repeatedly enough that you feel the need to isolate yourself.
>he offered to book the next ticket out of hereYeah, so that you would beg him to stay.
Is this a repeating pattern in your relationship?
>boyfriend scares you>admits wrongdoing, probably self-flagellates>threatens to leave you for your own good In truth, it
would be good if you got away from him, but in an emotionally charged situation like that, when all you want is to be comforted, it's hard to make that choice. In your four years together, how many times has this happened? How many times has he promised to do better?
>>204348There is no excuse for that. He laid a hand on you thinking only of his own anger.
>>204338 is right in saying that it's only going to escalate. Angry, violent men are the most dangerous of all. One day he may kill you. Please, reach out to your friends for help. Your family, too. Literally anyone who can help you recover from this and potentially get away from this guy.
No. 204353
>>204348>pushed me to fall on the bed imo this is a huge redflags.If this is a ldr, I will assume that you never had to coexist in the same space for a long period of time, if he is getting already violent in the beginning this can't go better with time. Any sort of violence from a partner should never be tolerated. please
nonnie, I know you love him but as
>>204338 said, you need to cut that shit off the first time it happens. I'm really sorry for you
nonnie, and I wish you the best for the futur. This simple fact that he did this should be a dealbreacker, don't listen to his empty promises
No. 204369
File: 1630877795765.jpeg (143.95 KB, 1080x1482, 0AC2CFE2-32BB-4A43-B4C6-E6532F…)
This is probably a stupid question, but here i go anyway. My sex drive has been very low from a hormonal issue for about a year but is slowly coming back now. Is it bad that it bothers me when my boyfriend spends hours masturbating to some gross hentai game, often in the same room where i am? His reasoning is that i don’t have sex with him often enough but i hate to see him act like some pornsick coomer. I’m trying my hardest to be intimate whenever i feel like it but i’m afraid it’s not enough. How do i directly confront him with this?
No. 204383
>>204381your advice is stupid either way.
>just go to an event!>just meet people lol!what planet do you come from where strangers just come on to others like that without being a total weirdo? the only time i've ever experienced that is during music gigs and festivals. the best way to meet people is through other people. am i 50 years old to be hanging around some bar? how about bothering strangers at cafe's like a freak when you obviously know people going to parks, cafe's, libraries, museums or whatever don't want strangers coming up to them and bothering them. real life just doesn't work like that and you sound like you're having way too much fun pretending like any of this is supposed to be realistic… it's mocking more than anything.
No. 204389
>>204387>>204388Damn I'm am idoit. Should've taken my own advice here
>>204375You can NEVER do good with self-saboteurs because they don't want you to do good.
Go ahead, wallow in loneliness.
No. 204398
>>204383NTA but do you have brain damage or something?
>what planet do you come from where strangers just come on to others like that without being a total weirdoUm, Earth? If you're not a mentally ill tweaker it's not weird.
>the only time i've ever experienced that is during music gigs and festivalsSo do that then?
>the best way to meet people is through other peopleYes, but you don't know other people as you yourself said, so you need to go out and meet them via hobbies or events.
>am i 50 years old to be hanging around some bar?Don't go to a bar then?
>how about bothering strangers at cafe's like a freak when you obviously know people going to parks, cafe's, libraries, museums or whatever don't want strangers coming up to them and bothering themThen DON'T DO THAT?! Those aren't events or hobbies. Take a fucking English class, yoga, tango, karate, whatever. How much autism are we talking about here?
>real life just doesn't work like thatIt does when you're not clearly suffering from a debilitating mental illness.
>>204393You first.
No. 204401
>>204398ok
nonnie i'll go take expensive lessons with middle aged people and develop relationships with them. you're so right. cya.
>>204400there's no seething. it's just a weird how it's so easy for you to dish advice that's never actually worked for you before.
No. 204405
>>204402young adults don't really have a whole ton of disposable income around here to be doing stuff like that (which is actually making me question which part of the balkans you live in that you think you're advice is sooo applicable).
>>204403yeah you're definitely unhinged
No. 204409
>>204407i just want you to stop waxing poetic man it REALLY seems like you enjoy the sound of your own voice
>>204408yeah i thought about messaging people that way, i've made a couple friends like that in the past but i always thought it was a one-off kinda thing. i'll try doing this ty
No. 204411
>>204409It's worked for me more than once, definitely try it. In this day and age especially, most people are terminally glued to their phones regardless.
Good luck, I'm certain some people would be willing chat.
No. 204424
>>204414Please dump him anon. Been in a similar position except the relationship was all in person. Trust me when I say it just gets worse and he won't change or improve no matter how much you plead with him and how sorry he seems. I know it's really hard right now but
>>204415 is right, the sooner you can sever all contact with him and focus on yourself the easier it will be to see him as the irrevocably flawed person he was rather than the rose-tinted mirage. It will take time to see clearly and you need that time to yourself, not with him influencing you.
No. 204480
>>204476Is there something missing in your relationship that makes you want to seek out attention elsewhere? Like how much of your interaction with this guy is about his personality or is it about looks? What's lacking at home?
I think if something isn't fully satisfying you in your relationship then this might not 'just pass eventually' Something is motivating you to look elsewhere and you're leaning into it and it almost sounds like you're in denial about it, viewing it as harmless. If you could put your finger on what the weak point in your relationship is you could work on that and pull away from this other guy before any real damage is done.
No. 204495
>>204480I guess there sort of is but it feels petty and makes me feel like a very bad person. And this whole thing already makes me feel bad about myself. I really like the "getting to know each other" flirtatious part of relationships and I guess my bf and I have kind of settled down into the everyday hum drum of living together. (Been a few years now)
Also I don't really know a lot about this guy other than the fact that we like the same music and play the same MMO. I just think he's cool and I find myself thinking about him way, way to much. I want it to stop but it feels like a guilty pleasure and really makes me doubt myself and if I'm a "good person". It's kind of distressing.
No. 204504
File: 1630960489853.jpg (10.41 KB, 236x236, 6546326.jpg)
i know it's not my job to fix whatever fucked up shit porn did to my bf's head but i can't help but feel bad at how he views his dick size. when we first started having sex he would constantly bring up how small it is and it would ruin the mood. he's stopped for the most part but he will still bring it up on occasion outside of sex. like how if he loses more weight, he can gain an inch. i've been wanting both of us to get healthier so we can live longer lives together, and this bone head is focused on his dick????? he's around 5 inches which is average and i've already told him there's nothing wrong with it. i'm a fucking petite womanlet anyways. is this just something that men do? or will he eventually accept that i like his dick how it is?? at least he's not watching porn anymore.
No. 204507
>>204506That's strange. I texted a guy for a year all day every day and if either of us didn't reply for several hours it would be very out of the ordinary and alarming lol. Our relationship is just always going back and forth on a billion different social channels lol
Maybe she's mad? Call her
No. 204508
>>204504Porn really do this kind of thing to most men, they become very insecure if they don't have a 10 inch perma hard cock.
Also, while size being a big part of aman's pride, maybe he understand's it as a """tool""" to make you happy (due to this fallocentric porn culture of + size, +pleasure, so if he managed to make it bigger he would make you more happy? Maybe?
No. 204560
File: 1631021350278.jpg (9.47 KB, 226x226, df3108988e1da7ab5b55dc1fcf51a8…)
I can't bring myself to break up with my emotionally manipulative boyfriend. He raped me a year ago and gaslighted me into thinking it was a small misunderstanding and to forgive him. I know its just a matter of going through with it but the fucker will probably threaten suicide. I can't see anyone face to face for over a month due to a covid lockdown, I'm scared I'll have no support. Probably the worst time to go through with it but I am a weak lump and just want to eat pussy only from now on.
No. 204568
>>204560Tell your friends and family in advance that you plan to break up with him and that you'll need their support, both emotionally and practically. You don't have to tell them everything that he's done to you, just that it's been bad and you're worried about the fallout. As for the rapist scum himself, I'm assuming you don't live with him currently. Over text, tell him you're breaking up and you don't want to speak to him ever again. Then block him everywhere. Don't answer him, not even once, no matter how creative his attempts to contact you. You will not gain any closure from talking to him about your relationship. If he tries to kill himself, it's not your responsibility, and anyway 99.9% of people who suicide bait never actually do it. It's just an attempt to hold you hostage. You deserve better.
I know it's hard, anon. You're very strong to even consider it, and I'm sure you'll be emboldened by the replies here. The sooner you cut him out of your life, the sooner you'll begin to heal.
No. 204574
>>204560As
>>204568 said, hatch a coherent and simple plan to get out and have people help you if you need to move your stuff or a place to stay etc.
If you know he's manipulative and you're aware that he abuses you, you have all the reason to get out. You might not even love him enough to actually stay (not that you should stay even if you did love him), I'm telling you, these men know how to guilt trip a woman and especially if you're like even in your early 20's and not the assertive type, it's easy to mistake guilt for affection. If he goes through with suicide it's not your fault, it's always his own choice which you can't be held accountable for.
You can do this. Like you said, it's a matter of going through it, especially if you've already mentally checked out of the relationship and know you could do better.
No. 204618
>>204615If it's casual sex then ime it's normal to just arrange meet ups and that's it in terms of texting. I know some have the so called 'fwb' thing where there's more than that but I feel like that's tricky territory when you might already be struggling with boundaries and expectations.
> if I say I'm unwell, he just says "feel better soon" instead of running over with soupYou're single, that's strictly friend or family territory for now, not his place to do that. You both getting tested, communicating plans and making each other come is about the extent of what he needs to worry about. That distance is better than the alternative of catching feelings and blurring lines. I've dealt with similar situations before and I've had to stop because we were in no way suitable for dating but tell my soppy heart that.
It's a mindfuck trying to navigate these set ups. I feel you on that. If your mind starts wandering into thinking unrealistic things then don't be afraid to protect yourself emotionally by stepping back from the whole arrangement. Keep an eye on that
No. 204620
>>204615It seems to me that you just want someone to care about you, genuinely, and take a vested interest in your life and well-being. So far it sounds like he's not going to be that person. If you can come to terms with that, perhaps by seeking out that friendship/caretaking connection in other people, then you'll stop being annoyed with and disappointed by him.
If I were in your position, I'd end the whole thing. It's just not worth it. What kind of validation are you seeking, anyway? You want to feel desirable/beautiful/useful?
No. 204700
I mentioned this before but no one responded so here goes. I want breast implants and my boyfriend doesn't want me to get them. I have a terrible relationship with my body, but I have always wanted bigger breasts since I was 12. I have 32D-32DD breasts depending on my weight and I am very sensitive to how I gain/lose weight; I feel uncomfortable because despite my boyfriend saying he doesn't want implants, when I gained like 15 lbs due to medications (I was still very fit and all that), he kept on talking about how good I looked, how nice my ass and breasts were, etc. and idk, I have mixed feelings on the effects of him trying to compliment me during that time because I previously was anorexic so I understand the encouragement but since I've lost most of that weight and I'm back to 100 lbs at 5'4'' since quitting my medications, I feel gross and disgusting because my body has changed. It's leaner and a little less curvy, and I feel disgusting. I've told him how ugly I feel now that I'm thinner because of the compliments before and he reassured me but still ended with how the extra weight was "fun". I just feel like fucking shit. I now feel ugly and gross and since I'm a lot closer to being thin, I am considering just being anorexic again because there's no way I can gain weight again like that. In relation to breast implants, he will make jokes about "mommy milkers" if he sees a guy who looks republican or suburban (like "I bet his wife has mommy milkers") and I get it's a joke but it whittles away at me feeling gross for having only 32Ds. I just want huge tits, not average ones. Then he will try to convince me not to have breast implants because "you're already attractive enough, you'd be too powerful with them" and I've told him how that doesn't make me not want them, if anything it just encourages me. I feel so dead. I feel like his comments don't help but he's trying to help and I just feel like shit. I know it's my fault because I have terrible body image issues. But idk how to get him to be helpful instead of unhelpful.
No. 204702
>>204700He is negging you. He is the disgusting one, not you. Please leave him and work on your self-esteem, he is holding you back.
>always wanted bigger breasts since I was 12Now question why a little girl should think this way. It's not healthy then and not healthy now.
No. 204707
>>204702I was abused 9-11 years of age sexually and my abuser made it out to me that I didn't have big enough breasts.
>>204704I have no idea how to fix it internally. I practice a lot of dbt techniques and it's helped my behavior, but I'm still the same. It's a very deep desire I have. It is hard to stop because I get a lot of outside approval on my appearance so it fuels me to try harder.
No. 204747
>>204745That is perfectly okay. It is asking for a lot and it might take a long time to find that person. When you find them it will be a magical moment.
But keep in mind you can't expect that kind of affection if you don't reciprocate it. It makes it even trickier when you date for a while and get out of the honeymoon phase you might find yourself unhappy after a while in some cases.
No. 204749
>>204745>But when I do date a man, I feel awful and get depressed if he's not fully devoted to meI noticed this pattern in my life. I'm ok while single and then it's like I take on a light version of bpd only while dating. LOve me harder!!! It's never enough to satisfy me. But then the single life and being super introverted doesn't leave me feeling deprived at all? It's strange. After a while men resent the level of emotional need and the almost begging for attention. I can't say I blame them.
I have a house of my own now too. I've reflected on those patterns and I think in any future relationships I would want to stay living seperate to help with it. It's easier to walk away or just step back when you don't share a home.
How do you feel about living situations and how they play into it?
No. 204750
>>204747>But keep in mind you can't expect that kind of affection if you don't reciprocate it.Oh I fully reciprocate it. I go all devoted wife mode. I'm just all or nothing. I hate vague, wishy washy, situationship stuff. Or those relationships where every step takes months and months.
>>204749Idk I think it's because we're so happy being alone that if we do find someone it'd better be someone amazing or else what's the point?
>How do you feel about living situations and how they play into it?I love my own space lol, I'm so conflicted about this. I like when both of us has our own place and we're just visiting each other and staying over sometimes, but we can always just go home and be alone.
I crave intense intimacy and devotion, but at the same time I want the ability to walk away and have my own space which is ONLY mine. But also living separately or sleeping separately doesn't sound very romantic. It's like I can't join these two cravings of solitude and love.
No. 205387
>>204745I'm the same, I hate who I am in a relationship. I wouldn't say I'm BPD in my everyday life, but the "you're either my air I breathe or you're nothing" becomes a thing when I date someone and start liking them. I want to spend a lot of time together even if I'm not that impressed by their personality, but when we're apart, I don't really think about them or think about a future together, I'm pretty sure it's all pure chemical bullshit, and I don't want to be like that anymore, which is why I haven't dated in years.
>>204755"hanging around for sex" is so prevalent in het relationships from males. It's really sobering talking to men that aren't romantically interested in me and them talking about wanting to be in a relationship with women only to have a constant source they get sex from. I couldn't imagine being such a slave to my libido.
No. 205680
>>205537Doesn't that sound borderline emotionally
abusive? Anyway truly being incapable of understanding that causes distrust or pretending not to understand it in order to justify keeping on doing it, seems like a red flag either way to me
No. 205687
>>205662Are you hoping the crush will someday turn into something? If you have any real hopes of it becoming a relationship then warn your other friend that you have some feelings, That way she's less likely to inadvertently hurt you when you're all interacting as a group.
If it's a crush that's likely to not turn into anything, like if you value him as a friend and don't see it escalating.. then you'd be better off letting yourself have ugly days or dressed down days in front of him and getting used to it. That's what you do with friends, you should feel comfortable with them and not judged in that way. It all comes down to where you realistically see this going.
No. 205712
File: 1631744283718.jpeg (159.26 KB, 1170x1272, BEC1E4A8-AA10-4B2E-A820-8C89CE…)
Anon, I met someone online 4chan and I'm surprised on how he is. He owns his own company, is smart, funny, kind, cute? I suddenly feel garbage compared to him. I'm not done college(currently finishing) I moved back home during the pandemic, is emotional. I really don't deserve him.
How do I get rid of this stupid feeling.
No. 205716
File: 1631745097169.jpg (22.76 KB, 628x468, 96bb768be7eaa6301fbbc95c0eca81…)
>>205714>>205713not them but you fuck you nonnies i've been going there for almost 13 years at this point.
No. 205727
>>205666he might develop a crush even after anon and the boy get into a relationship and thats worse, she cant hide her forever
>>205662i totally get how that feels, tell your friends that you have a crush on him so they're extra distant to him and wingman you, i feel like its a given, maybe its a cultural thing but to my close friends i dont have to say anything they would never try anything with someone i'm seeing or my exes and neither would i with theirs, you cant not invite your friends, they'll meet eventually and honestly if he feels some type of way around your friend its better to know it now than later, observe him closely if he seems more interested in your friend he wasnt bf material in the first place, guys know not to cross a line when they meet friends of someone they're geniunely interested in unless they are complete assholes, if he looks interested dump him, his loss your gain
No. 205730
>>205712what… how
>>205718again, how?
No. 205744
>>205713>>205714I met him on a normie board, oddly enough, and I do keep that in consideration. It's still early in the relationship, we aren't dating and still talking.
I've befriended women from 4chan and hung out IRL and we were extremely normal.
>>205716Unfortunately, I've also been on this hell site on and off for 13 years too. I know my limits, however.
>>205718Noted! Thanks. Congratulations
nonnie.
>>205725My thoughts exactly, but I'm very cautious about it.
No. 205792
>>205776Diff anon. I've been in a situation where my ex kept me very seperate from his workmates that he hung out with.. but at the same time he talked about all his workmates when he got home everyday.. Including a couple of women. Talking about them alot and yet keeping you physically seperate from each other is something I learnt to take note of.
I knew all about them but it turns out they didn't even know he had a live in partner of 3 years. He cheated of course.
No. 205797
>>205794I know you don't want to break up but this just doesn't sound healthy the way it is right now, especially
>I'd annoy him so now he doesn't tell me everything and says if he ever does want to keep something a secret/private I should just trust him, he wants some privacy because he thinks I'm just going to get all insure and jealous and annoying againYou can have privacy while still letting your partner know who you're hanging out with/what you're doing. You say you struggle with feeling insecure/jealous but at the same time it sounds like he's causing at least some of that insecurity or is making it worse. You have to be able to trust each other, that's one of the main foundations of being in a relationship. Also hiding what he's doing just because he thinks your reaction to it will annoy him is no way to communicate. I don't know. This kind of issue is bound to head towards resentment if it doesn't get addressed, if it hasn't already.
No. 205798
>>205794I understand his frustration but turning secretive seems like about the worst thing to do tbh.
> says if he ever does want to keep something a secret/private I should just trust himNo. No matter how annoying you might be because of your insecurities.. that's a shady thing for him to say. The solution is for you to get help for your trust issues. Therapy, even couples therapy. Turning secretive and you even doing the same all sounds like the most counterproductive thing to do when the underlying issue of a lack of trust is there. This will all implode on itself if you don't get actual outside help.
No. 205805
>>205803I've been in your position before and this is not a healthy relationship and it is not going to get better. I have a feeling that your "jealousy" is just the insecurity you're feeling from him being shady and secretive. It's what PUAs call the dread game.
You don't wanna hear it, but he doesn't have your best interests in mind and you need to break up with him and find someone who won't mind being open with you and giving you his phone to look through if you're feeling suspicious. There is no other way to make you less jealous, being shady and secretive just makes it worse.
No. 205812
File: 1631816660243.jpeg (14.78 KB, 601x510, received_1059128064915568.jpeg)
very ashamed to admit that I'm a BPDchan, and unfortunately my behaviour is really impacting my partner. I have never seen him so upset. he told me last night that he didn't realise how much work it is to love someone with BPD, and I cannot fault him at all because it's a condition that fundamentally affects how you process interpersonal interactions, especially in romantic relationships. I really do understand where he is coming from. my main problems are that I react negatively to any kind of perceived rejection, and I tend to dump too much of my problems on him (in my head it feels like "this is my favourite person, I want them to know everything about me, talking to them puts me at ease when I'm in crisis" but I imagine it comes across more like "I need you to deal with my emotional problems NOW"). I overreact to stuff a lot which makes me quite teary in the moment and I imagine it's exhausting to deal with me when I'm going through a rough time. I did have a therapist for a while, but it infuriated me that she never seemed able to actually give me advice, so I'm apprehensive about going back but I imagine I need to. please help me anons, I don't want to let my mental illness destroy my 3 year relationship. be brutal and tell me how I can get my shit together.
No. 205817
>>205811They're entitled to walk away for any reason they want, even if that reason sounds nutty to some of us.
Sometimes break ups happen over stupid sounding things but there's usually alot that's been brewing underneath the surface. Sometimes men in particular hang on til they find a good enough sounding excuse to leave.
No. 205818
>>205812Okay anon, you got this. You know you are negatively impacting the relationship and you have a problem. So, you must be prepared to be wrong and face it. Be understanding that you are wrong, but don't accept it. Read a DBT handbook - I downloaded on for Kindle because I don't want people knowing I'm a BPDfag, and do all the exercises. I will find the book I used and it has helped me immensely. I also am going to reread it because repetition of skills when you're not in crisis mode is very helpful in maintaining them. Meds can help, but the goal is to be off them - I was on depakote, viibryd, Seroquel, and risperidone, but I was only on them for a year and half as my goal was to quit them. I still lose it occasionally, but I'm way better than I used to be. I also am sober now because of other health issues, but that has helped, too. My relationship was shit the first year and a half, and now it's way better because I'm dealing with my shit.
The other thing that you will have to somehow cultivate I've heard, but I haven't been able to do, is to develop a sense of self. That is really hard. I still don't like myself most of the time, and that makes it difficult because that and BPD will make you sensitive and take a lot of shit personally. Most of the time, people are not thinking about you the way you think about other people or yourself. That has helped a bit. At least I am far better equipped to deal with my emotions even if they still are negative at times due to my lack of self. I believe in you, anon. Ask any questions, too. I'm happy to help. Stealthing BPD can absolutely be done, it's just unlikely your partner will ever not know.
No. 205820
>>205812The cruel thing is that as much as you fear abandonment… these desperate behaviours that are on one hand designed to cling to a partner usually end up doing the opposite in the long run. They drain them, wear them down and most people will have a cut off point where they can't deal with your illness anymore and preserve their own wellbeing. I've seen bpd friends have that 'creep up' on them. They somehow don't see the break up coming??
My advice just based on having several friends living with it is to ask that he tells you when you're really getting to him. Get yourself in behavioural therapy, see if meds can be tweaked to help. The biggest thing seems to be making sure the guy doesn't bottle things up out of fear of your reaction. That's been the killer I've always seen in those scenarios.
No. 205823
>>205816>>205815They said it was because I hid it. I didn't really "hide" it though. My stance was that people should get it if they want and not if they don't. No one should tell anyone what they should do its all a personal decision. The first time they ever asked me if I got the vaccine I said yea and thats when it happened. They really don't give a fuck about me unless its related to their brain washed warped world view that comes from /pol/ I'm sick of it.
>>205817Yea it felt like the love was gone for a while… getting prioritized over for months really takes its toll on you.
No. 205841
>>205838So you are a homeless shelter. There's a lot of homeless that are not "bad people", why don't you take them in too while you're at it.
You moved in together for certain presumed benefits. If your requirements are not being met, you have no obligation to meet any of his. Ultimately, he is responsible for himself. It's not your problem he's broke and it's not your duty to be his wallet and housing unit.
No. 205852
>>205851Lolcow can't help you process grief, you need to contact good old friends for that.
Also,
>>205825>Why is he even with me?>>205833>If i leave him, he's essentially homelessYou answered your own question there.
I'm sure it hurts. Go get help and support from people in your life in dealing with it.
No. 205855
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>>205818nona, I cannot thank you enough - so glad you understand the situation I'm in and grateful for your advice. I'm gonna discipline myself into developing coping mechanisms that don't hinge on another person, and get myself a DBT workbook. what you said about developing sense of self hit me really hard because a core issue of mine is feeling incredibly wounded if someone isn't approving of me, and changing my personality to fit what they like best. hopefully I can figure out a way to break out of this habit. you've made me feel so much better, thank you. I have a long way to go but I can get there.
>>205820you're right, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'll be sure to make it clear that he shouldn't walk on eggshells with me, definitely don't want everything to build up for him until something irreparable happens. thanks for your advice!
No. 205856
>>205854Well shit, I stand corrected.
Idk personally how to help in the grief aspect, but I did my best to help in the way I know.
No. 205866
File: 1631828063915.gif (2.63 MB, 455x498, (You).gif)
>>205864>he gets fed up and cheats because you put all your energy into trying to fix his mental illnessoh jeez… don't you just hate when that happens…
No. 205868
>>205864It sounds like this man literally drove you insane through emotional abuse.
Yes you have to block him. No you are not responsible for his suicidal behaviour. That's on him. I know you spent years and years putting him first. You felt like his life was on the line and you were the only one who could save him. But that's false. He has to save himself, just like you need to save
yourself by cutting all contact and never looking back.
>alternate between trying to give him support but overcame by urge to act irrational and exaggerately emotional trying to get "listened to"This part really stuck out to me. He was gaslighting you. He probably still is. It also really hurt to hear you blame yourself for his infidelity. Obviously something was missing in the relationship, but it wasn't your effort and commitment. Seems more like he knew he could treat you like absolute garbage, lie to you, hurt you irreparably, and still you wouldn't leave. That level of devotion is something to take pride in… but I think you should turn it inwards. Work hard to take care of yourself instead.
No. 205870
>>205866No, he got fed up when I failed. Honestly, I think he cheated because I lost all my personality shortly after we started dating (low iq doormats can't maintain personalities for long).
But the rough times we had helped him make up his mind about cheating
and i made up mine: i'll never date again
obs:
Sorry to the nonnies that could be confused about my rant: he really wanted me to go to therapy and i dropped it every single time. He did a bunch of stuff for me such as staying up all night, and leaving his issues aside when I got crying fits and rage fits(regular occurrence). He was a sweet man and didn't deserve most of what happened. I don't want to stain his image I just want to know what to do from now to stop hurting us both. I like talking to him but at this point it's just selfish
No. 205904
File: 1631861049929.jpeg (2.17 MB, 2605x4093, 2668A932-4172-4561-A7C2-9D3E9B…)
Boyfriend asked one of my used stockings. I know he has a feet thing but I don't really wanna give him my smelly stockings. I'm kinda embarrassed. How can I say no without breaking his heart?
No. 205924
I sort of ended things with my bf of 2.5 years last night because I haven't been able to stop thinking about and crying about my ex for almost the entire time we've been together. It feels really shitty to finally admit it and it sucks because bf was obviously blindsided (since there was nothing else that wrong in our relationship) but I can't bring myself to tell him I've been hung up over someone else this whole time.
I ended things with my (previous) ex right when I met my current bf because he (ex) was honestly just really annoyingly emotionally unstable (as am I) and simultaneously obsessed with me yet extremely cold and difficult–there's a huge cultural difference between us, too, I'm Mexican and he's Vietnamese, and our different upbringings made us clash often. Honestly, it was nothing we couldn't have gotten past without some hard work but we were both going through a lot in our personal/career lives outside of our relationship. Now that we're both in a stable place, I'm able to look back and see how much I took for granted–even with the cultural difference, it was extremely reassuring in a way that I can't even describe to know that I was with someone who had the same immigrant experience that I did, and felt the same insecurities about not fitting in. I don't have that anymore.
I do have a lot of little sore spots in my recent relationship, but not enough to warrant a breakup. He sleeps half the day away whenever we don't have work so we hardly ever do anything, we never go out together or travel (which was my #1 hobby before this relationship/pandemic), he grew up conventionally attractive and gets frustrated with me for having BDD and feeling ugly all the time, he never ever has any deeper or negative emotions other than sudden anxiety attacks that cause him to cry for no reason and then I don't know how to react. He has a really strangely low sex drive and I'm saying this as someone who thought they were asexual. He incessantly showers me with affection and "I love you"s to the point where I want to recoil sometimes because I just wasn't raised that way and it feels fake and wrong. I don't really feel as attracted to him physically, but I don't care about that as much. I guess his does hygiene bother me a little if I'm being honest.
So, my ex started to contact me a few months ago and has pretty intensely been pursuing me (even literally emailing me clips of him playing/singing some of "our" songs out of nowhere) while remaining a respectful distance from my life and relationship. He revealed that he's been in love with me for the entire time we were apart and checks up on my life every day because he can't stop thinking about me. I feel the exact same–every single memory I have with this person, I can remember in excruciating detail, whether it's a good or bad memory. I honestly can't really say the same about my recent bf, and it feels really horrible and cruel to say that–but, I genuinely can't even remember what we did on our anniversary, whereas sometimes I think about the texture of my ex's sister's carpet flooring or something and just break down crying. So I decided to just end things because it felt unfair to my bf that I'm having these feelings about my ex and contacting him, but now I don't know what to do because I love both of them and I don't want to hurt either of them. I don't know how to make a decision on what to do. As much as my ex drives me crazy with infatuation, I wonder if it's better to just ignore it because my current bf is such a good partner. I kind of want to just tell them both to leave me alone for a while, but I'm scared to lose either of them now.
No. 205934
>>205924why don't you go back to him?
you seem to like him and even believe you could have worked if the life circumstances were different…
life's too short to not be with who you love, nona
No. 205948
>>205932>>205947This must be for chicks who don't have sex with their crushes? Because trust me, how they use it matters much more than what its length is/what it looks like. Not to bash you guys, but you do sound shallow af.
Could you imagine if a guy said he could only have enjoy having sex with women with a certain bra size?
No. 205960
>>205952Brand new and we haven't had sex yet (LDR) but I didn't know I was this mentally shallow. I've never been with anyone else.
>>205957You're incredibly based for that kek
No. 205971
>>205970which is exactly what she said?
>how they use it mattersreading comprehension out the window, so it MUST be a scrote!
No. 206123
File: 1632036394570.jpeg (50.18 KB, 800x729, 239CCEB4-C2CB-4014-B92B-EB031A…)
Back when I was still on dating apps I met this really cute guy. Every time I deleted and redownloaded tinder we would match again. We had good chat but it didn’t go anywhere and eventually we unmatched.
Fast forward eight months and now he’s dating my roommate. He’s so sweet to her and shows her off to his friends and just asked her to meet his parents after two months officially together. I was cool with it when they had just started talking bc she’s always been so blasé about wanting a boyfriend and I thought it wasn’t gonna go anywhere. I also never told her we’d talked because that would have been weirder. But he came over today and just watching them kiss and hold his arm around her and it was all I could do to not seethe with jealousy. The great irony is that he’s into board games and D&D and before they were seeing each other she mocked guys who were into that shit.
Where do I go from here? I’m not getting involved obviously but I’m so jealous and angry and I’m wondering if there’s some lesson to be learned here.
No. 206125
>>206123Sounds like you just want a nice BF too and aren't exactly into him specifically, but he's a missed opportunity and that kinda rubs it in your face.
The answer is to be more proactive in dating so you can find a guy for yourself.
No. 206135
File: 1632045057948.jpeg (823.77 KB, 1936x1936, 70C82CF9-8745-4353-AE97-87CAB5…)
god I’m such an idiot. I’ve been dating this guy for about six months, and it’s been great. Today though he asked me if I’ve ever cheated in a relationship, which I thought was odd. Then he mentioned that he could handle a polyamorous relationship as long as there was no other guy. I started crying because of how upset that made me, and he apologized and insisted he didn’t mean with me, just in general, that he loves me and only wants me, etc. I feel guilty about it, but tonight when he was sleeping I went on his phone. I found these messages with an ex coworker of his, who he told me he smoked with once at his apartment when I wasn’t there. I was upset at the time or course, but he insisted they were just work friends, she’s in her thirties and we’re like early 20s, he has no interest, etc. I just feel sick now and don’t know if I’m overrreacting to these messages. I literally just moved in with him, and now I wish I never fucking did because I feel so trapped now. He’s still asleep next to me and I have no idea how to confront him about this without admitting I went through his phone; which will make me look crazy. What do you guys think?? I have two photos, will post the next after this. By the way, the trip and botanical gardens he’s talking about was a trip WITH ME, where I met his entire family. He doesn’t even mention that in the texts at all.
No. 206137
File: 1632045306756.jpeg (544.14 KB, 1888x1888, 6FAC27E6-BAEF-4BF7-9AF8-53B0AD…)
>>206135Somebody please let me know what you think because I’m losing my mind here, I cant tell if I’m just being crazy or not.
No. 206147
>>206145I'm suspicious of what he's saying to you. I know you removed the insta, but I noticed he had a pic of you both there (if it was you), so if that girl followed him she would see he has a gf, but it's fair to say if he is bringing up poly relationships that that's not a good reason to be satisfied.
Has he ever done anything else like this or given you a bad impression? The things he's saying in that recording sound kind of guilty. "I was so cold to her, it was months ago" and crying about it instead of owning up sound really dodgy.
No. 206150
>>206135Run, don't walk, away from him
>she's in her thirtiesSo?? Men in their twenties can't find 30+ women hot? That's such misogynistic bullshit, but I highly doubt she's in her 30s.
>he could handle a polyamorous relationship as long as there was no other guySo he can sleep around but have you on the backburner?
Don't worry about looking crazy, you're not. It doesn't matter what an asswipe like this thinks about you anyway. Go bonkers as long as you dump him. He just wants to fuck her and have you as a backup.
No. 206153
>>206135>he mentioned that he could handle a polyamorous relationship as long as there was no other guy. I started crying because of how upset that made me, and he apologized and insisted he didn’t mean with me, just in general, that he loves me and only wants meWhat the fuck? Even with his crying in the voice recording, it just seems like he's constantly trying to try the limits you're willing to go before he goes back to saying you're the only one, etc. when he doesn't get a positive - or at the least - a defeated reaction. Do not believe his tears, he only feels sorry for himself and does not want you to leave on your terms. The only guy that talked about polyamory to me turned out to be constantly window-shopping and talking to chicks online, he just wasn't popular enough to be cheating on me left and right, and too autistic about his SJW views even for most women kek.
But I'd also like to add that this is MY interpretation on the limited stuff we can see into and my past experiences. Also you're both really young and people sometimes really put their feet in their mouth trying to discuss their insecurities or more sensitive topics.
No. 206169
>>206135texts alone say everything, he's coming off too strong onto her and i can tell she knows about you because she's not reciprcopting the same energy, also he sounds like such an insecure weak
beta moid, he kinda sounds troon-y, its always these worthless men that are into poly as if they can attract 2 women simultaneously disgusting little snake he'd cheat on you in a heartbeat if he had the chance he's testing waters with the poly shit dispose of him immediately
No. 206175
i was already venting in the vent thread vaguely but i'm just really lost all day today at what to do because i know my gf does not love me romantically at all, never even expressed being attracted to me or how i look, or any woman for that matter because i suspect she is straight after all. Its tiring always being the one who tells her how much i like her but she tells me she loves me maybe once a month. I dont see her wanting to be close to me, unless she is lonely and needs someone. Or unless SHE wants to do something specific. She also wants me to come live with her when we are done with uni and whatnot. I dont know anymore if i can. If i live with her i lose any chance of ever meeting a woman who maybe, i dunno, actually likes me. Not that i feel like i will ever meet someone like that since im so autistic kek. But if i dont live with her, i will be alone forever until i die, never leaving my home, because, why would i? I don't think i would ever have the confidence to go to places i want alone. I know that's what friends are for, but mine are always busy meeting up without me. Idk what to do, do i just go live with her, or stay alone, or.. ? sage because i don't wanna bump this thread with my shit
No. 206177
>>206175Don't be shy about bumping, you're on-topic.
I don't think living together is a good idea if she's already emotionally unavailable. The way you're rationalizing it is going to lead you to waste your years on someone who is not capable of loving you. If she was capable, she'd have loved you already. She does not. You most likely won't remain alone forever but even being single forever is preferable to begging for love from someone you keep giving and giving to. You don't deserve that. You're in uni right now, dump her
now, when it's easy as fuck to meet new people. Start your new life. Bumping so you can get more eyes on your post, don't wanna be the only one giving my 2 cents.
No. 206194
File: 1632070869195.jpg (48.69 KB, 1280x720, im going to fucking die.jpg)
Just found out that the guy I've hooked up with a month ago (who I was also kinda crushing on) has a wife and a newborn. Dude didn't even tell me, I found out from his social media. Nonitas I am going to be fucking sick, why are moids like this? What the fuck do I do?
No. 206200
>>206194This is why I always stalk men before I get into them and I encourage others to do the same. Where did you meet him? If it was at a bar/club, always assume they are cheating until found otherwise and do not believe what they say if they claim they are "married/together but seperated" or similar bullshit.
Do what you want. Whenever men try to cheat on their significant other with me, I get evidence (screenshots) and don't ever actually do anything with them, and I send it to their partner. Sadly, the partner usually still stays. But idgaf, this isn't even about karma or some bullshit, I want that eel to suffer.
No. 206208
>>206194Tell his wife and add proof (screenshots of conversations or whatever) if you can. Just tell her the objective facts as they are, including that you didn't know and like
>>206198 said, disappear after that. It's up to her what she does with the information.
No. 206247
>>206135>>206137His texts are so desperate… he's definitely just waiting for the green light from you (and her?)
>>206145I haven't heard fake crying this funny in a long time KEK he's putting so much energy into his whiny voice and sniffling instead of actually crying. As for what he's saying, he's trying to make you feel guilty and seem like you're crazy/exaggerating a ""minor"" thing, so please DON'T. I hope you don't fall for it anon, it's so easy for someone to play dumb and say they don't remember lol.
P.S. he sounds like a huge faget
No. 206281
>>206145what a whiny, narcissistic baby back bitch
go cold and leave
No. 206317
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>>206145Update to this: we broke up. I’m pretty fucked because I was moving in with him this month, the lease for the apartment I had for myself ends this month. He was always BEGGING me to move in, and I knew I shouldn’t have. Everything I own is there. He still insists that I’m crazy and ruined the relationship, and also sent me a long paragraph about how I was never good to him and he’s happy we broke up. It hurts so much because he used to tell me he would never stop loving me, I’m his soul mate, some day he’ll marry me, etc. I just constantly feel like I’m gonna throw up. Im afraid maybe I was wrong and being stupid and crazy, but even if so I don’t understand how he became so mean instantly. Thank you ladies for all the advice.
No. 206335
>>206317Those previous texts spoke for themselves. He can shut up telling you about how great olivia is now… I swear men have no clue.
? B-but if you just met olivia you'd see how great she is!!
Dude stop uttering her fucking name, it's insulting that he's doing this shit to you but I've been there too. I had to listen to my ex say how great this 'just a friend' was and then they started dating a week later. Be very glad you werent fully moved in already. And no, you're not crazy. Get your stuff and cut contact with as little chat as possible. Don't listen to anything he has to say at this point.
No. 206408
>>206404Nta but this can go either way. Sometimes a partner will tell you this stuff quickly afterwards as damage control in case the woman contacts you with her version. Whoever tells the story first usually leaves the biggest impression so you're more likely to doubt the woman if he's told you she's been throwing herself at him.
It could be honesty, could be guilt or just him getting in there before she can tell you that in her memory it was maybe him leading the whole thing.
No. 206428
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>>206317last update for you guys, I’ve decided to cut contact after we’ve been arguing a bit. I just wanna say thanks because if it wasn’t for the reassurance that I wasn’t crazy, I would probably have forgiven him and apologized for accusing him of anything and stayed. Now he’s really showing his true colors and I’m grateful, makes breaking up easier. All men really are the same
No. 206433
>>206428 > you caused thisI hope this dude gets hardcore cheated on in the future and gets told this exact same line.. Seeing as that's how that works according to him.
Good riddance.
No. 206468
>>206457Assuming you love him and aren't just looking for an excuse to leave, it would be dumb to end a good relationship because of the mere possibility that
>I would be finally motivated to level up my own lifeWhat is stopping you now? If you were really committed to levelling up you wouldn't need an ambitious career focused man to motivate you. Sounds like you just enjoy the fantasy of being in a power couple, and think it would naturally ease you into self improvement without requiring any hard work or willpower on your part.
No. 206472
>>206457if you're unmotivated with him, you're going to be unmotivated without him. the problem is not him, it's you.
t. highly motivated person with unambitious SO
No. 206493
>>206457 > I have been contemplating pulling the plug The relationshp has maybe just run it's natural course if you are dealing with these thoughts to this extend and he's staying out of the home already. You say you have 'a messy' past too… it might just be the point where you've both got as much as you can from the relationship. When you say a messy past I assume you mean you've been a lil on and off before? It might just be time to break the pattern of always coming back together.
Wanting to leave… is a great reason to leave. You don't need to justify it beyond that.
No. 206506
>>206457I don't agree with the other anons, especially since we know almost nothing about your relationship. The relationship might have run its course, we don't know if there are any other factors involved in you seemingly losing your romantic feelings for him. Sometimes it's just time to leave, even if there's no abuse involved, but there might be more to it than your post lets on.
>>206472And for the record, I left an extremely unmotivated partner in the past because I felt like he was dragging me down with him and my motivation went up 100%, so I don't agree with this.
No. 206544
>>206506Yeah I'm with you, there are too many other factors to just dogpile on her. It's true that being with an ambitious partner isn't going to magically make you ambitious as well, but also, being around a lazy pos isn't going to do you any favors either. She'd probably be better off leaving him and seeing if she can improve herself totally by her own merits. He could be mentally draining her more than she realizes. I also believe you just shouldn't be staying with someone unless you're really in love with them. It's true everyone goes through hard times, but even then there should be an underlying attraction and desire for each other (mentally and physically). Thinking of him like a brother is not that. In fact it's pretty much the death knell for the relationship in itself. She's clearly not into the person he is anymore, and that's reason enough to leave despite also not having any glaring faults.
Basically, don't settle. It doesn't matter if you're not Superwoman yourself, we only have one life and it's too short to spend it with someone you're not really into.
No. 206639
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It's nothing altogether serious but this gets on my nerves. My husband is controlling in a whiny way, not in the aggressive or mean kind of way. When he doesn't get his way he goes into whine mode and tries to guilt me. I'm pretty good about holding my boundaries but it still irritates me that he tries to make me feel like a bastard about innocent minor things.
The one thing he pesters me almost nightly about is bedtime. He works at a stupid wagie job where he doesn't know his shift week by week, has to clopen, etc. I've stated how I think he should get a job that's not retail but he refuses. Anywho, he goes to bed stupid early. We're talking 9 or 10pm, even about as early if he closes the next morning. Sorry, but I'm not five years old and I like to stay up later. If I'm in bed by 1am then I'm set to wake up at 7ish to go to work, that's a solid 6 hours which is plenty. I'm not tired.
He's affronted because he feels I should be in bed at the same time as him. I tell him I'm not sleepy and he insists that I can be on my phone in bed.
Okay well what if I want to watch tv by myself because maybe lying in bed on my phone with no sound gets boring? Or if I want to be on my laptop? For these things I want to be in a different room so a) I don't feel like I'm keeping him awake and b) because we already spend so much time together that I appreciate having my own time. He takes it as a soft rejection that I want to be alone. He literally pouts and broods.
I get it, he's lonely and has some kind of separation issue but jfc you'd think he's so emotionally deprived! We spend multiple hours together every evening, have sex more than a few times weekly, and when I am done doing my own thing I do join him in bed.
He whined at me tonight when I said I'd be joining him in bed "in a bit" because he said I should have said "later" because apparently me saying in a bit "gives him false hope"??? Hope of fucking what? I don't get it, I still wind up in the bed regardless it's not like I'm sleeping on the couch every night and avoiding him. Then he exaggerates to make me feel neglectful and says "Yeah you'll come at like 5am." Again, even if that were true I join him in the fucking bed so what is the actual problem besides just wanting a stupid amount of control?
I never noticed this until we moved into a house. When he lived with me at the apartment I was forced to constantly be in the room sharing bedtime because selfish roommate hogged the rest of the apartment. I had no choice, and I guess I didn't notice how needy he was because of that. How do I tell him to tone it the fuck down because I need time for my space without being the asshole who hurts his feelings? I have a hunch that if I bring this up tactfully he's going to withdraw affection to subtly punish me.
No. 206649
Boyfriend owns his business and uses the same personal cellphone for work, and there are times where he shifts slightly when responding to a text
On one hand, it's understandable because there are contracts where he cannot let people know of the media until it's released, but on the other hand, I feel slightly annoyed that he hides it from time to time.
He always ask what I'm doing, and the only time I did lie about what I was doing on my phone, I was on KF on some fat white trash turn muslim, and I know he's been insecure about getting out shape, and I felt so bad lying about that. Otherwise, I'm transparent.
Am I over thinking? I'm thinking about bringing this up next time we see each other in real life, is there any harm in that?
No. 206655
>>206649I wouldn't bring it up so he can lie about it, just find a moment when you can snoop through his phone. Highly doubt he's being that protective regarding contracts, my guess is porn or real world cheating. There are always some anons out there who get their panties in a twist over this, but 99% of the time when women hide things it's stupid but harmless shit like yours, and when men hide things it's stuff that will destroy your life like STDs, financial abuse, pedophilia, porn addiction. If you do bring it up with him be very, very conscious of his immediate response and if he seems shifty. Or overly forthcoming like he has a cover prepared. If he lets you go through his phone check deleted images, hidden images, the private tabs on his browser, etc.
No. 206677
>>206649What kind of expression and corporal behaviour does he have while answering? If it’s serious or contemplating I’d say business matters. If it’s jiggly I’d worry.
But I wouldn’t worry too much about this kind of stuff, unless he’s weirdly protective of “his spaces” and phone.
No. 206688
>>206674Yes, I'm in one now actually. But like
>>206685 said it's really important to meet each other first, decide if you like being with them in person, instead of dedicating many months or even years without knowing how they're like in a real life setting. Just by communicating online you don't really know how they act around other people, how they deal with situations, what their hygiene is like, etc. That being said I think LDRs work best for people with very specific things they're looking for in a partner, it makes it easier to find and get in contact with many different kinds of people.
No. 206744
>>206674I never thought I would, but I am and it’s the healthiest and happiest relationship I’ve ever in. He traveled to see me first, he takes us seriously and we plan on moving in together ASAP, with him moving to me.
I was always a LDR skeptic but they can work provided you guys meet fast to establish real life chemistry and make plans to be serious relatively fast. It also helps that we are both older than mid 20s, I don’t think LDRs that start with huge age gaps or with people in their teens or early 20s work out as well.
No. 206908
>>206903It's impossible for strangers to make a judgment call when we don't have all the context of this relationship, but typically it's odd and not good if you find yourself with a persistent crush. How long are we talking, a few weeks? A few months? People like to say it's normal to get crushes while in relationships, but that shouldn't be anything beyond a "this person is cute and fun to be around but they still don't compare to my partner" kind of deal. It sounds like your feelings for this other guy are more serious than that. This can mean the crush is providing something you crave/need that you're not getting in the relationship. Like if he's very intellectual while you don't ever have debates and deep discussions with your boyfriend, that could be tipping you off regarding things you're lacking and need to work on. It could also be as serious as you outgrowing your boyfriend and realizing he's no longer adding to your life. You need to examine what's causing you to fixate on this other person, because right now you come across pretty passive.
>I have talked about this with bf and assured him that I'll just wait until I get over my crush Like what does that mean? You're just going to be emotionally unavailable to your partner while you sit around hoping these other feelings disperse? Sorry but I'd be pissed if I was in his position too. At the least you owe it to him to figure out
why this other person is actively harming the relationship and then you need to determine if it's something you can work on (alone or together) or if it's not, in which case you need to break things off for both of your sakes.
No. 206931
>>206914That doesn't sound like a serious relationship. I feel like when people don't make an effort to let their partner know they're just as important as their friends are then that's a sign they view you as a very temporary thing in their life.
A 'You'll do for now' type relationship.
No. 206932
>>206836Was in a similar situation. I was with my first serious bf for 4/5 years. We even got married. The marriage ended after a couple of years and I can't help but think it was him finally changing his mind and deciding sex was important to him after all. He never told me that but he avoided any conversation about why exactly he was leaving. I can only guess it was that.
He assured me time and time again that it wasn't important. The man even had a whole 'denial kink' so I thought we were good. I don't know what your bfs deal is but it's something to be mindful of. I didn't think my guy would change after already spending 5 years together but people change their minds sometimes.
I've gone on to have relationships where I have sex with men. Weirdly enough I don't know why I wouldn't do it with him.
No. 206939
>>205924Sage because this is more of a blog update if anything and I don't think there's any advice for me, since the situation is so complicated.
After I posted this here, I decided to properly end everything with my bf (A) and start moving out of our place…I just felt like I was emotionally cheating on him by being hung up over my ex (B), and he doesn't deserve that. I then agreed to get coffee with B, it went well and we stayed in contact–but he definitely wants to get back together and has even implied moving in together and marriage and having kids. It's…nice..but I seriously have whiplash because I was so peacefully sedated in my relationship with A, even though I felt queasy when I thought about marrying A, I had accepted it as my future and looked forward to working hard to "make myself normal." This experience with B makes me feel like, was I just playing along with A for the past 2 years, or did I really feel in love? Do I always succumb to peer pressure and try to reciprocate another person's type of love just because I care about them?
My question/problem is, am I just unfit for relationships? Are there people who just aren't meant to do all this, and if so, how do I force myself to stop? I do really care about both of the people in question, but I'm already getting tired of them both. I really do want to be alone, but I don't want to be alone forever. I don't know how to fix this, I don't think I'm indecisive but I'm constantly doubting everything I feel–sometimes I've even wondered if I'm just a closeted lesbian.
If anyone has had similar experiences, I would really appreciate hearing about that even if you have no advice.
No. 207149
How do I stop getting resentful when my boyfriend hangs out with other people? It's not out of insecurity or because I think he's going to leave me or anything, I just get annoyed when he'd rather waste time with other people than spend time with me. Especially since he always tells me that he has the most fun with me, and we have the most interesting conversations together. We do get to hang out a few days a week, so it's not like he's neglecting me. I'm pretty much like what
>>204749 >>205387 described, he spends a lot of time with me and does a lot for me but it never feels like enough. Sometimes I can't help but think "what's the point of being in a relationship if you're not going to give me all of your time and effort, might as well just be single." I guess the easy solution here would be to break up, but I really do love him and don't want this to ruin everything. I seem to get these "bpd lite" moments I want to work through but the feelings are so intense… Also like that other anon, I'm completely introverted and happy about it when I'm single, I don't get it.
inb4 therapy, I want to work out things on my own.
No. 207156
>>207152You can juggle all of those things and still take a relationship seriously?? As for not knowing how to fix yourself when you're single…I guess let me put it like this. Really think of the root causes of your actions. What is it REALLY that makes you feel this way? It's not going to be 'nothing', consciously or not there will be a hidden factor to what stirs up these feelings. From there, evaluate if the reaction you're having is necessary or productive. Realize that the behavior is indeed
toxic. If you WANT to become a better person, you work through and solve the problem that made you this way to begin with because you recognize it is not healthy. No, it won't just go away overnight. It may take you awhile to figure out wtf the problem is. But if you try your best I'm sure you can grow from it. Don't obsess on the "omg the emotions are to STRONG I can't navigate or control them' because that is letting an unhealthy part of your brain trying to take over and destroy you. I've been there, it's NOT impossible and you can learn coping skills to calm your worries and rationalize your thinking. Do not isolate people, that's not what love is.
No. 207163
>>207152People are trying to call you crazy but fundamentally you are right. If you & your partner like each other the most, why are they spending any time doing fuckall with some other people?
It makes sense if it's something like he loves to play tennis and he goes and plays tennis with his tennis friends. Or chess, or whatever kind of interest. But still going and hanging out with people doing nothing and smoking weed and halfassedly playing video games…I don't really get it.
To some extent you can't really blame him for doing what's expected - even if he doesn't really want to hang out with his friends anymore, if he stops they'll call him whipped etc and turn all sorts of nasty toward him. And all media frame it as positive to go and "chill" with ypur old friends instead of actually being with the person you supposedly love. Sometimes, too, it is nice to hang out with other people for a bit, so you are reminded of how much they suck shit compared to your partner. But yeah, he probably likes "having a girlfriend" more than he likes actually being around you - that's why he needs to go and "chill" with his friends because he does like them better than you, he's just doing what he's "supposed" to do by tolerating living with you most of the time.
This is the kind of relationship that most people spend their whole lives in, and they won't or can't admit that that's not how relationships are supposed to be. I love my partner - I don't have time for anyone else unless I'm trying to get something done.
So you're right, but expect everyone who's only in half a relationship to call you crazy, and that's almost everybody. As we see here.
No. 207167
>>207156I think really, I want a specific type of relationship that is closer than what most people want or are comfortable with. For me, that's the point of a romantic relationship. Strong devotion and dedication are attractive traits for me. Maybe it seems unrealistic, but I just need to find one (1) person who feels that way, otherwise I can just have fun living the single life. I don't consider myself a bad person for wanting that, but I realize it is wrong of me to try to make my boyfriend fit that mold. I felt resentment because I'm feeling like I'm settling for less than what I actually want. He is a very sweet and thoughtful person, but maybe in the end we are just not compatible.
>>207157Those relationships are all shallow compared to what we have, so I still don't get it really.
>>207163Yeah, exactly feels like I'm one of the other obligations in his life. He's also the type of person who feels like he has to help everyone and spend time with them equally, so if multiple people ask him for help or to hang I'm cucked out of spending time with him. It's tiring.
No. 207171
>>207163Are you off your fucking rocker? I never once called her crazy you dipshit. Also what are they doing with other people if they like you the most? Lmao what kind of stunted, childish response is that? Oh I forgot people have free will and can hang out with whoever the fuck they want. People are allowed to have fun, try different things, and enjoy different people ALL without you and it doesn't mean shit, especially this bullshit that you're spouting that it is "obvious" her boyfriend doesn't love her and is just enjoying his girlfriend experience. You sound like an emotional vampire. Anon said not a single thing to imply her boyfriend was shitty in any type of way, and this is the garbage you decide to reply with? I'm not even trying to be mean although thats what my words are conveying. Open your eyes, you're living in a fantasy world if you think keeping someone to yourself is healthy and that they should not be their own individual person outside of your relationship. As I said, I went through this shit and your partner will resent you for it. If they show you love, are going out of their way to do shit for you, are overall nice people and you still try and control them like that it is NOT HEALTHY. Your whole post reeks of gaslighting, telling original anon the shit you have.
No. 207183
>>207167>Those relationships are all shallow compared to what we have, so I still don't get it really.People need and form different types of relationships in their lives, romantic, sexual, platonic friendships, family, co-workers. Some more deep and intimate and others more shallow and surface level. That's just how it is. But you know how you differ from his friends, coworkers and family? At the end of the day, he comes home to you, not the other people he spends time with. You know what kind of person would spend all of his time on you and no one else? Someone ridden with anxiety or other mental health conditions who can't leave his room and or a hermit. Is that what you want? Someone incapable of functioning like a normal member of society? Him having friendships with other people is him functioning like a normal human being with a balanced live. If you can't grasp that basic concept, with all due respect, there's something wrong with you, not him.
No. 207199
>>207193No, that's not how it works. "That's just how I talk"? That's how a 15 year old talks. No one owes you the respect of looking past
your disrespect to get your point. The fact is, you can't manage to form a coherent argument without swearing or calling people dumb names, and that is only
your problem. It's not about talking sweetly, it's about acting like an adult. You accuse others of being childish but you spout off like a pissy teenager. I don't even care what the context is, I haven't even been here for the conversation, I just see you acting like a nut bar. It isn't anyone else's responsibility to put up with you, if you can't speak to people without swearing and acting so petulant, don't expect anyone to care what you have to say.
No. 207226
>>207149Sorry if this is presumptuous
nonny, but do you not have any friends yourself?? Tbh its weird to me when couples are together constantly. Both me and my bf
need time alone or with friends. When we hang out it's something to look forward to, not an obligation. Different strokes I guess but you do come over as awfully codependent.
No. 207275
>>200375>bf wants vacation, I don't >bf cries when the weather is better than the forecast said it would be because muh lost chances uwu I'm this anon and today is my BA presentation. This fucker could not wait for 4 more hours until I'm done and brought it up yet again just because it's sunny outside. Now I'm angry and can only imagine us fighting when I should calm down and hold my final presentation. I'm so angry, why is he such a selfish asshole. This could have waited.
I really want to break up, seriously wtf
No. 207283
>>207245 and
>>207242 should date.
No. 207286
>>207167anon, I was once like you. I thought that if you just had one amazing devoted relationship then nothing else I have with anybody matters whatsoever. guess what? we broke up because it was too codependent and because I had isolated myself from all my friends and family for the sake of spending all my time with him I essentially lost my mind because my whole world had just crumbled around me.
expecting one person to fulfill your every social and emotional need is unhealthy as fuck and it will come back to bite you and increases the chances of them feeling suffocated and dumping you
No. 207288
>>207277Okay, but why is seeking out one relationship needy, yet seeking out multiple ones isn't? You are just directing your neediness to multiple people, it's the same shit. The only difference is recovering faster if at all when the relationship dies out, but you will likely easily find other people to fill the same spot. Something that's harder with a partner you shared everything with as opposed to a casual friendship. It's silly when people call others codependent as a "gotcha!" we are literally codependent on people to exist as a species, unless you live off the grid.
>>207286It only comes back to bite you if you force it on them and they don't want the same thing. I haven't held my boyfriend at gunpoint to be with me, kek.
No. 207294
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>>207288Calm down Love Quinn and get some help.
No. 207311
>>207242My first love was a pretty intense one. We were inseperable from the moment we met and eventually we got married and mapped out our lives together. I didn't have other friends. I had him. I lost my mom shortly after the wedding and then my dad sold the old family home and moved kinda far away.. that was okay tho cause I had my hubby and my life planned with him.
Then one day he very suddenly walked out on me. I never saw him in person again. Biggest shock of my life bu a mile. I had nobody and I ended up going to a therapy service that's for people who're comtemplating suicide. I lost everything because I had made him my everything. I look back on that now and see how I didn't plan for the worst. The vast majority of romatic relationships have an end date. Even after taking wedding vows you still have a high chance of divorce. I would tell anyone younger than me or who hasn't learnt this the hard way.. to just be mindful that most of the time there's an expiration date that you need to be prepared for. Don't make one person your everything. People die, people leave. You need to have enough of a life outside of them that you won't fall apart entirely.
No. 207327
>>207320From my perspective it's a silly and innocuous lie, but I understand that lying to someone inherently implies that they are capable of lying. But even so, it's such a minor lie: it's nothing like saying you were single when you were ending a relationship, or saying your grandpa died to get out of something kek.
Evaluate why you lied. Was it because you were afraid you would lose him or he would lose interest? Was it to sound more mature? Just be honest and tell him the true reason. I think being vulnerable is important. Also anon, people tell lies like this all the time, and while that doesn't make it good, it's just a fact of how people are. He won't hate you for it.
No. 207333
>>207327I lied because I really thought that I'd get it within the few days after our first date. I just get panicked thinking about doing the road test.
I lied to sound mature, however I just told him and I'm really happy about the income. I still hate myself for lying about that.
Thank you anon.
No. 207335
>>207334You're acting like a drama queen. It's selfish and unreasonable, sure, but not evil or deranged. Do you also burst into tears if someone looks at you the wrong way? You sound like such a
victim, holy shit.
No. 207339
File: 1632880245338.jpg (519.79 KB, 1815x2048, 20210829_083300.jpg)
>>207334Absolutely agree. Anon is completely delusional in defending their
toxic as fuck stance. No mental health professional would ever argue that a codependent relationship is healhty. Not a single one.
Like
>>207311 writes, people die and leave. You know what they also do? They grow and change. The person that you are dating now will be completely different in 5 years time. You can grow apart without realizing it. It happens. And if you suddenly find yourself alone its fucking ROUGH, EVEN with social support. I've been there, and I've also been there when I've had to support friends in times like these. You pretend like it's a natter of days to process the end of a relationship but I've seen it take years. And these are fairly regular folk, not unhinged bpdchans that need to put down their shojo manga and go see a fucking therapist.
No. 207365
>>207360Oh anon, I’ve been there it’s not a nice feeling. I am fairly average build more on the skinnier and like you flatter side. I don’t have a huge ass or massive tits. Your bf is very lucky to be with you just because you are you it took me a while to realise that. Like the other anon says if he puts you down for your body type dump his stupid ass. Body types go in and out of fashion big tits and asses are in now but won’t be in like 5 years. If you want a little boost for your self confidence find a nice maxi slip dress trust me you will look and feel so damn sleek and elegant in it. Also stay off social media for the most part I’ve found that seeing other women’s bodies and stuff really makes me feel shitty. You’re beautiful
nonny so keep the head up!
No. 207461
File: 1632980006422.jpeg (13.7 KB, 540x304, E985F284-ECA9-41C0-B507-4311DF…)
>last guy I was seeing was a total fuckboy prettyboy shithead who didn’t want exclusivity or to claim me as his girlfriend because he “liked attention (from other girls) too much”
>been in a 2 month dry spell since dumping him and all I want is for him to lie on top of me and kiss my wrists and take me to his favourite tea shop and tell me about his childhood in India like he used to
Nonnas I need a public shaming. Tell me I’m cringe until these feelings go away
No. 207479
>>207461>“liked attention (from other girls) too much”this is what moids accuse us of all the time bruh
being that much of an attention whore just tells you he didn't get enough attention from his parents
No. 207658
So I'm quite at a conundrum right now, It is going to be a long blog post and I would also like to ask pardon for any grammar and typos since I'm ESL.
For reference, I'm 21 living in a bigger city for Uni. My family back at my old home was kinda shitty, mom and dad got divorced and things get like you would expect and my siblings aren't the wisest or stable people out there. I wanted to get out of there to escape all the drama, so the fact that I was admitted to Uni (pharmacology) without having to pay for it (since it is a public institution). I used the money I had accumulated from taking half-time jobs back home to pay for my way to this new city, (I was 18 at the time) and managed to find a small flat in Uni city. One of the first things I got after Uni started was a half-period job at a small businesses near were I leave, which allowed me to sustain myself and pay for my expenses (rent, water, food, internet, clothing, bus, and other miscellaneous). Nothing luxurious, I basically had to count the pennies to make ends meet but It was nice to finally be fully independent and to escape from all the drama back home.
Now with that in mind, here is where the relationship part start.
At the start of the year (February I think), my country Covid-laws started to get more lenient since people were getting the vax, so I started to frequent a bookstore-cafe again, where I met (let's call her) Mary(27 at the time). I was looking at some books at the shelf while she was doing the same, and we started to chat up about which books we had already read and which ones we were interested. We exchanged numbers and that was it.
We would often message each other memes and talk about general stuff, books, we talked about my Uni and job, she was already graduated at Administration and worked at some bank on a management seat (her salary would probably be 10x mine, but she never talked about the value). This went for like a week until she invited my for a "girls night out" at a Friday night. Uni exams were kinda far away so I accepted it. She picked me up at my flat and took me to a nice restaurant. I felt under dressed for the situation, since she was wearing a gorgeous dress. and a The food was good, and the night was fun, we shared some interest and I was enjoying the attention. When the bill came I was kinda shocked by the value, I tried to suggest that we split the bill but she said "since I asked you out let me pay for it". I was a little shocked by the gesture, but ok. She took me back home, I invited her in so we could talk more. We were sitting close on my couch and were talking when she started to get really flirty, like touching my leg or arm while she wanted to make a point, telling me I was pretty and such. I got this vibe for her at the restaurant but thought I was just imagining things. Things let to one another we started making out in my couch and then followed up to my bed where we had sex.
Back at home I wasn't very popular and didn't had many friends or a bf/gf. At uni I had slept with 2 girls since I'm not very trusty of the moids at Uni. So this was like a big deal for me, since she was very attentive and more experienced than me.
Next morning she waked me up by kissing my forehead and said she had go, and asked to use my shower. When she was ready we gave a last kiss and she go to her car and went home ( I presume). I was 20 at the time and she was 27
cont.
No. 207660
>>207658cont.
That Saturday night (or date was Friday) I decided to search her up on IG. We hadn't talked since our date. Found her Account, but It was private, so I asked to follow her and went back to do my things. Maybe some 20 minutes later my phone buzzed showing she accepted my request and followed me back, sending a message with something like "hey, you found me. How are you?".
I unlocked my phone and went to see her reply to her message but first I looked at her IG account.
The things that shocked me, and was my first big surprise, was that while her profile picture was her alone, a lot of her posted pictures were of her with a guy, with his IG account marked on the pictures with both of them.
I was surprised by it since I didn't see any engagement ring on her finger and she didn't talk anything about a bf or husband ( I didn't ask either).
I responded to her message with some chit chat about how I was fine and last night was fun. I then took courage to ask her about those pictures with a guy to which she said "oh that is (let's call him Joe), he is my fiancee). I asked if she cheated on him with me or what and she said that "he was fine with her seeing other girls from time to time, she just had to tell him about it", and that she hoped that she having a bf wasn't a problem and wanted to keep seeing me.
I basically lost my mind at that time, this sort of situation couldn't get to my head. Like wtf. We talked some more about it but things were left in a weird note, I told her that I would like to see her again too but wasn't very sure about it.
We went on some dates together for the next two months. I didn't asked her too much about her arrangement, the only thing she told me is that it was all fine as long as she told him about it ( not telling like in details, more like "hey I'm going to see this girl tonight,we see each other tomorrow")
cont.
No. 207685
>>207660Not only is the age gap weird, but absolutely she should have told you about her fiance. Poly relationships are almost always
toxic to begin with but even on the very rare occasion they work for both parties, being a good person entails 100% honesty with both your partner and the people you hook up with. It was gross, manipulative and frankly a bit predatory that she pursued and hooked up with you without saying a word about already having a partner. That is something you discuss first to make sure the other person is okay with it, not just drag them into your drama and personal sex fantasy. Not a good person, ghost her for your own sake.
No. 207699
>>207689I feel you anon, honestly I've stopped bothering. It's a shame because I wouldn't be against casually fucking a pleasant and respectful man but they can't even manage something
that simple.
>mortal kombat pornKek. Someday when some dumbass starts talking about his porn preferences in front of me I want to out-degenerate him and be all 'oh yeah man I was watching this bowser porno the other day, so hot, he shit all over mario and then stuck his hand up his asshole, totally my thing.' Fucker won't know what hit him. Be a fun way to get a scrote to shut up
No. 207709
>>207660Sorry, couldn't finish it last night so I'll try to shorten the rest of the story
>>207678>>207685Sorry, I'm already too involved in this cesspit to for now.
We see each other again, she takes me for dinners, pay me gifts (books and other non-expensive things, but still stuff out of my normal budget), we sleep together in my flat again. She is very understanding of my Uni, so when exams are up she don't invite me out, just wish me good luck with them and that she well be cheering for me. Another thing that dragged me on in this is how affectionate and available she is even when we aren't meeting in person, like asking me how my day went, If I'm fine, how's Uni and this general "care" for my general well being. I never had that sort of "positive" attention growing up, parents didn't care much for me, siblings either, I got shit at school for being poor and also didn't had many friends so all this positive attention seemed like a blessing.
This went on until June, when I was visiting that bookstore-cafe were we met, and she was there with her fiance sitting on a table. At first I couldn't move a muscle and was paralyzed in place, didn't know if I should turn and run or if I should greet her or what,my brain just short-circuited.
She saw me standing and waved for me to sit with them, I didn't think too much and just went to sit with them. Mary introduced me to Joe and vice versa, I really didn't know what to say the whole situation was too absurd. He greeted me and said " oh, you are the girl Mary told me about, I'm glad to meet you" or something in those lines, my brain was still in haywire state to register his words precisely.
We chatted there for about 1hour, just general stuff, how was Uni, my job, some movie or something. Despite being weird I can't say it was unpleasant.
Me and Mary kept going on dates, until we started going to her place instead, a very elegant apartment in the Center of the city. At first it was just the two of us ( her fiancee wasn't mentioned, just that he wouldn't be there).
Then some time later she invited me to eat dinner at her apartment and asked " would it be fine if Joe is with ? If you don't want him around just tell me and I'll tell him to spent the night out".
I got a little bit scared at first but said something in the lines "oh, no problem, I don't mind if he is there".
I just feel so stupid right now, it seems that I willingly walked into a trap. We ate some home-made dinner that they made, chatted up a bit when Mary started to get flirty again, and proposed a threesome between us " but that I shouldn't fell obliged to do it". I kinda want to blame the wine we drank for it but in all honesty I didn't drank enough to make me tipsy or to hinder my thinking. I accepted the proposal and we had sex. I will spare the detail, but the best part of it is how both were so attention and affectionate towards me, always asking what I liked, If I was enjoying myself. It was just so nice to receive that positive attention. I also lost my first time with a man that night, and even if I was a little worried that I wouldn't enjoy it or that it might hurt they were both so attentive that I can't lie and say I didn't enjoy it.
In the following months the situation remained the same, sometimes me and Mary would go out, other times the 3 of us. The conundrum part started at the half of last month. To cut it short I lost my job since the company I worked for didn't recover well enough and went bankrupt. I don't have much money left to pay for rent (the land lady said that I had till day 15 of October to move out)or my other general expenses.
I commented this with Mary during this week and last night she told me "that I could live there with them as long as I wanted. I would not have to help with the bills, would get my own room for my stuff and they would generally help me if I needed". I told her I would thing about it but didn't answered her yet.
I stupidly want to accept it, because they were just so nice to me overall, and this would really take a load out of my back because work was really consuming time I could expend on Uni stuff, and also doesn't needing to count every penny every mount would reduce my stress a lot. The alternatives would be try to find a new job (which is not likely)and a new place to live by day 15, while my exams start this month so I would really need the time to study.
The worse option would be to drop Uni and go back home, but I really don't want to go back.
I'm really considering accepting her offer, but I'm conflicted. While in one part, I feel like a
victim for a predatory couple, like I'm some sort of Sugar Baby with both a Sugar Mommy and Sugar daddy.Like I'm an object that they are trying to buy with money and affection.
On the other hand I can't say I don't enjoy spending time with them. Not only the sexual part, but being the center of attention and being catered too is something I never experience before. Both have been great for me and always seem to be looking after my general well being.
I also feel like a fucking leech for just considering accepting being a dead weight to them, specially in face of all the things they did for me.
Rationally It's hard to thing for a reason to reject her offer, since it allows me not only to keep going to Uni but also to allow me to dedicate more time to it.
I know I am walking into some sort of literal and figurative trap, and really feel like I'm being preyed on due to the age cap and financial disparity, but outside those things I can't find any other reason to accept and go live with them and try to figure things out from there.
No. 207713
>>207709you are so retarded. First you let a woman 7 years your senior (while you're at a vulnerable age) groom you with a 3some as the end goal no doubt, and then you
continue to date them both and now want to move in with them to be their fuck toy. You are so retarded and I can just tell you're gonna go for it and it will ruin your life. The amount of therapy you're gonna need if you ever make it out will offset any financial gain they every provide you with. You are a massive retard.
No. 207739
>>207709>I know I am walking into some sort of literal and figurative trap, and really feel like I'm being preyed on due to the age cap and financial disparity, but outside those thingsI… okay. This is a lite version of "I was sold into sex slavery and beaten and hopped up on drugs and rented out to strangers but hey
aside from all that I was given a room to stay and occassional meals. Worth!" Except nothing has been forced on you outside of the first deceitful encounter with the woman, now you're just happily walking to the slaughter. Come the fuck on anon. Yes, you are being preyed on and yes, even if you're riding some sort of ego boost right now (for being treated as a fun new sex toy??) this
will blow back up in your face 100x over. Don't ruin your life over this, it might suck but go back home for now if you need to. In the long term you will be so much safer, healthier and self sufficient for it.
No. 207759
>>207727In addition to what
>>207728 said, if he's easily enough aroused by you and is able to cum during sex that's also a good sign. Not always a red flag if he can't, especially if he has a good reason like medication or a history of performance anxiety, but it's something to look out for because a lot of porn addict men cannot get turned on by sex anymore.
No. 207794
>>207727Eh I disagree with other anons. You don't need to outright fuck a man to decide whether or not he'll be good in bed. Just try kissing him and other foreplay while explicitly saying you don't want to have sex yet. If he's respectful of that boundary and doesn't get pushy, if he's a good kisser, if he's slow and enjoys the feeling of you outside of getting his dick wet, if he can actually turn you on, all good signs. If he gets whiny, aggressive or starts doing porny shit like trying to choke you out or pull on your hair then kick him to the curb.
One month is still early on, a short enough time for weirdos to maintain their act. See if he can calmly enjoy increased intimacy short of sex without getting abrasive. Also, see if he actually asks what you like or if you're enjoying yourself without any prompting. Shows he will be an attentive and considerate lover, rather than some moron who thinks he's casanova and all women function exactly the same.
No. 213641
File: 1637187414374.jpg (41.56 KB, 539x710, IMG_20211116_231311.jpg)
Is my boyfriend feeling threatened by my guy friend?
I've been dating a guy, let's call him G. I told him about my friend who is also a guy, D, and told him that D wanted to have a push ups competition with him.
G told me that he doesn't want to do push ups with D because he thinks D is actually threatened by his (G) presence in my life and the reason he wants to have a push ups competition is because D feels threatened. He said D gives off bad vibes and that he doesn't really like him.
D has been a close friend of mine for a long time. I have never felt that D was ever attracted to me in the slightest, its purely platonic. D and G have never met. G knows nothing about D other than D is my friend, goes to a gym, and is a close friend of mine
Do you think G could be feeling threatened by D and just projecting that feeling on D? G seems to think D fancies me anyway