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Vent your heart out, give and receive relationship advice from fellow farmers.
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Me and my girlfriend have been dating and living together for almost 3 years and I want to surprise her with a new car. Our anniversary is coming up, but I want to do it for no real reason other than I love her. She has one she’s been wanting for a long time and getting it isn’t exactly the problem, but I just slightly wonder if we’re moving too fast? I don’t plan on going anywhere and I’m positive she doesn’t either. But we’re fairly young and this is the most serious and sincere relationship I’ve ever been in. We’re not married and I don’t know if or when or how that would happen (both our families are pretty nice but have their own ideas on our relationship. My grandmother died not knowing about us because my homosexuality might have broken her heart.) but I don’t see myself being with anyone else in the future and I don’t want to either. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I put too much of myself into it and it gives her unnecessary pressure or I should be wary of my actions. She says it doesn’t bother her at all though, and I never consider her or her gifts in return inadequate. Am I just overthinking it? She gives me nice gifts first sometimes too, but I never want things of that caliber.
I think you should consider making her a gift, instead of buying one. If you feel like you're rushing, and asking for confirmation on it, then your gut is telling you something.
Maybe you could make her something like a little book, like a notebook she could use, but write letters in it to her. How she makes you feel, how you felt when you first saw her, that sort of thing. Put in pictures of flowers she likes, or dab a bit of her favorite perfume onto the cover. You can put all of yourself into this, because personalized gifts are the perfect receptacle for that.
That's a really sweet and generous thought nonny
, but it's probably too much. It's a "marriage-level" gift even if you aren't literally married, and it sounds like you're pretty certain but not 100% secure in the relationship since you're having to ask, so I wouldn't jump the gun. You can still get her something nice and catered to her interests/wants, just not that
expensive. And another thought: Are you really worried about her feeling uncomfortable about the quality of gifts you give, or is some part of you upset that she doesn't provide that same quality in return? I know you say you don't think her gifts are "inadequate" but there's a difference between being happy with something and being okay with something but wishing it was different. I promise I'm not trying to create a problem where there is none, but these days I live by a "People get the level of effort they give" rule. I think you have to be conscious of the fact that continually giving more than someone else can
turn into resentment over time. You may feel fine with it the first time, you may feel fine with it the first fifty times, but eventually unless it's reciprocated you can't help but feel like you don't matter as much. Better to not put yourself in that situation in the first place.
Sadly there's no way to be totally safe, but that list isn't a bad start. I think you could add:
>Openly communicates and pursues meaningful discussions rather than you always having to initiate>Genuinely interested in you and your life, remembers things you say>Actively improves himself through earning more, learning new skills, volunteering, going to gym, meditating, having new experiences, etc>Says something when other people make rude comments (silence around assholes can be a big indicator of mental weakness and lack of standards)>Understands and reacts calmly/neutrally when told "no" >Acknowledges his own faults, able to apologize, doesn't try to position himself as a victim during misunderstandings or arguments>Doesn't mind you having access to his phone/computer and other tech, no hiding screens
A scorned ex gf will always spill the tea on psycho/abusive
partners after the fact. If they have nothing negative to say that's a pretty good sign.
That’s a fine boundary for you to have and perhaps you’re willing to take that risk but personally I will never be with a man unless I’ve checked his tech. By the (lack of) virtue of their sex men have lost the right to privacy. Too many horror stories of “great guys” who have outright led double lives, solicited prostitutes, traded nudes with associates and beyond to trust in the curated face a scrote shows me. My experience was fortunately not as extreme as some, but one of my exes lavished care on me in the aftermath of a surgery, very attentive. It was a short recovery, only about a week. A little while later I asked if I could see his phone and if he’d been looking at porn (we agreed he’d stop months ago). I just had a feeling. He said he hadn’t and gave it to me. In his deleted files there were pictures of strangers baring their asses to the camera. The fucker lied to me, smooth as butter, no hesitation. Nope. Never again. (This was just the cherry on top of a shit cake by the way, but I was a weaker person then.) If a good man has issues with that level of openness, I’m totally happy to skip him and lead my own happy life. I certainly don’t need to take another risk. And yes, I know some men are better about hiding it, but chances are there will eventually
be a crack in their deception. Read this for a more intense story of an “amazing” father who truly seemed to go above and beyond but started a whole ass separate family outside of his so-called beloved wife and daughter. https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/o23eid/on_snooping_green_flags_and_vetting/
In this day and age you need to vet men and look at their phones and pc. Fuck giving them privacy. Do you know how many men pay e-thots or prostitutes? What if they visit incel or mra forums? What if they say they hate women onlin?
Theres millions of males wishing death on women. You bet ur ass half of them if not more are married.
males are dangerous and women need to vet then every chance they get
Yes, so far checking their phone was always a great decision that saved me from dating cheaters/liars. It is
shitty to invade privacy but I honestly can't feel guilty when I always found bunch of horrible shit.
>>193133 >living together for almost 3 years
This time period for me has always been the period where I'm vulnerable to being hit from the side with an unexpected break up so maybe I'm biased by my own pattern here but I would hold off on something so big around the 3 year mark. It can be a real make or break year for relationships.
It's a nice gesture that you'd even think about getting it for her but I think in a less romantic sense and more sensible one.. a regular gift would be the smarter choice for now.
I had an ex where I knew a username he tended to use on forums but I never looked into his activities til after we split.
Post break up I was taking it badly so I looked him up and found out he had a long pattern of starting shit, petty arguments about things that don't matter. I don't know if he was drinking at the time he was doing it but I got that vibe. It wasn't a reddit account but my god didn he argue like a redditor! trying to sound smart and reduce the other person down to a dunce for thinking differently. That hit home.
He was a bad drunk irl when we dated. It would change his personaility to the point where I begged him to stop drinking. I wish I had found his post history at the very start. I'm not one to check phones because I think if you even reach the point of wanting to then the trust is gone and leaving would be better.. public posts tho, I maybe feel differently about them.
Good for you nonny
, I'm proud of you. Congrats on dropping the manchild.
Bf and I have been having sex and generally showing affection a lot less. Sex is and has always been a bit of a disappointment with him. He's not a super selfish asshole, I'm certain he loves me and cares about me, but evidently he is not that interested in my enjoyment. Things used to be better but as time goes on he seems to care less and less about foreplay, touching, kissing, exploring and making sex something fun or interesting. Instead, he'd rather wake me up in the morning by poking me with a boner and then screwing me while I starfish for three minutes until he gets off, after which the sexual encounter is over and forgotten. I've brought it up to him multiple times how I'm unhappy and every time I give up and end up even more upset. I feel like a pervert demanding him to do things for me or reciprocate when he doesn't want to, but it feels so unfair when he's perfectly satisfied and I'm left sad and desperate. I'm so miserable because all this has been brewing inside me, I can't even sleep next to him anymore, more nights than not I'm crying and silently cursing him while he doesn't know or care. What's left for me to do? I don't want to break up with him, I have no idea how to even bring it up to him anymore, I'm scared I appear way too pervy and needy because I understand that if he doesn't want sex he just doesn't want sex.
I don’t know why anons are so deluded as to think their partners will suddenly start caring about them if they just phrase their concerns the right way. I know this is shocking knowledge, but someone who cares about you? They’ll listen the first time you bring up a concern and take steps to address it. It’s a hard pill to swallow but a reality check nonetheless. You either stay in this relationship, continually being used as a living fleshlight, or you stand up for yourself and leave. If you’re so desperate to stay with a man whose highest requirement in a partner is only that she’s vaguely conscious, then start telling him to fuck off when he pokes his boner against your body. No sex until he starts prioritizing you again.>I'm certain he loves me and cares about me>but evidently he is not that interested in my enjoyment
Really? I’m so curious as to your definition of “love” if it includes a person who doesn’t care about your pleasure whatsoever and refuses to attempt it even after repeated requests. Would you tell a friend to stay in an arrangement like this and try to convince her that her partner still loves and cares about her? If so, you’re a horrendous friend. I really hope you get out of this rapey and dehumanizing situation anon.
Been in a similar scenario. One sided sex life where I went a long time without an orgasm, certainly wasn't faking them either and it never occurred to him to please me or look after that in return. Hinting fell on deaf ears. Downright demanding it made me feel gross when in reality I was a league above this guy looks wise.
You shouldn't have to demand pleasure. He should automatically care enough to do it. I understand that you FEEL like he totally loves you (been there) but his actions clearly say otherwise and I would listen to those actions more than his words. He is right now damaging you and leaving you with issues that are likely to impact your sex life with future partners too. Leaving sooner rather than later is best. Don't let him further demean you by having to beg for simple consideration while he just takes what he wants. Its fucked up and when you get away from him you'll have the headspace to see that.
>>193314>he loves me and cares about me>he is not that interested in my enjoyment.
It's one or the other anon
>he wakes me up poking me with a boner and fucks me while I starfish but I'm scared I'll appear too pervy and needy asking for what I want
get some self respect
he messaged me first saying "i hope everything is ok, that there's no hard feelings" ? i've spent the entire week since we broke up miserable and crying, and he sends me this shit>no hard feelings
is he just trying to taunt me? attempting to appear like the bigger man or something? why even bother sending a message like this. no i'm not okay.
i'm even more confused now?
You're already a week into this and like you said in your earlier post you need to get this done. Don't go back now.
You're super emotionally invested and he's not. Even the language of 'hope there's no hard feelings' isn't hitting the mark when you're heartbroken. You said this was very surface level and it honestly sounds it on his end. Stay strong and resist replying even if he's attempting to be civil. You're at risk of just repeating the last week of pain all over again.
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My bf of nearly two years wants us to find an apartment together and I’m very apprehensive. I’m just a big wuss who’s never lived away from home so I worry about my parents being lonesome without me, myself missing them, not knowing how tf to live on my own/with someone who isn’t family… I also worry about no longer being able to save money. I make shit money but I’ve been able to save up since I still live with my parents at 26 (I know that’s probably embarrassing lol).
I know I have to move out eventually and it’s a way to advance our relationship, but I just have a lot of anxiety over it. Has anyone else dealt with this when moving in with a significant other or am I just an immature retard in this regard?
I am also concerned that due to this apprehension, our relationship might suffer if I find myself unable to handle a big change like this.
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how do I know if he browses /mu/
It’s sad that anon can’t see how ironic this is too. “I’m afraid to ask him to make me feel good because that’s perverted.” Uh, why on earth do you think that? Are you caught up in the Madonna/whore complex yourself and think it’s not ladylike to enjoy sex? If the positions were reversed and you were the one getting off and he never orgasmed do you think you’d ever be hearing the end of it? It’s truly a willful desire not to see how cruel these men are. And it is
disturbingly common, this and worse. For anons wondering if a situation where they’re being sexually used by a man is normal, listen to this video. Yes, it’s normal. But no, it’s in no way healthy or loving. I wish the answer was as simple as communication but men like this are too depraved to care and they will never change.
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Has anyone else's lack of coping with intense horniness ruined relationships? When I get really giggidy and my bf isn't I would get pouty and it would ruin both our moods. Sometimes I take the rejection well and find something else to do, sometimes I cry, usually I masterbate in self-pity. It's gotten to the point where my bf thinks I think of him as a piece of meat only, and not someone I'm genuinely in love with, which was also the start of my previous relationship's death kneel. It's not like we're in a dead bedroom, we fuck like 3-4x a week, which should be enough but not for my dumb clit apparently.
I've decided to take up another hobby (embroidery) to funnel my sexual energy into something artistic and fulfilling, but if anyone has any other tips to calm my horny ass down I would love to hear them.
Yeah I used to be like that too. I had a higher sex drive than him and would get overly disappointed if he didn't feel like it (or more commonly, his dick didn't feel like it). I had to learn to not get as pouty because it only makes things worse, it's obviously not his fault or something he should feel bad about, and if anything a bad reaction like that can cause him to be less horny in the future.
Anyway there's nothing wrong with masturbating to get the horny to calm down a little. As long as you don't take it out on him/get emotional it's fine to fix it like that. Other than that maybe go for a run or a workout? Since that gives more of a release for physical tension as well.
Instead of demanding sex, maybe you can try to build the mood? You can seduce him too, in a more indirect way.
Cooking is a good way to improve yourself and it's satisfying. It can be really time consuming too.
Same boat anon. Lived with my parents like apple pie until I was 23, then the virus hit and my bf and I decided to live together. tbh a year down the line I STILL cry about missing my parents. And if you're as sensitive as me then you will miss them forever. But the independence you get from being away with them is also so liberating, every time you see them again for visits it makes it so worthwhile. Also you will see your parents growing too, in my case, my fam actually decided to finally buy their own place after 23 years lmfao.
So dont worry, fate is putting you on the right course.
Fuck this is a good idea, thank you. I needed to start lifting more anyway. With this new motivation I'll get so fit in time for our vacation next month, lol.>>193541
I do a lot of cooking as it is but I guess I'll finally start to make work lunch at night (when I usually get horny.) Thanks for the suggestion!
The thing is I've actively tried that and also been in other (unhappy) relationships since then. I'm at a loss.
Sometimes I dream about him and it just makes me so happy I was able to see him again it's like being drugged for hours after waking up (in a good way). There is no way this is healthy and I wish I didn't feel this way.
I never actually thought of it as grief for some reason, though it totally is. It feels weirdly validating to think of it that way, so thanks.
I can't afford a therapist right now but I hope I can soon.
>>193677>my boyfriend and I do the same things all the time and I'm very bored of all of it
you just answered your own question anon.
Honestly I think both men and women go through this when you meet your significant others friends. I think its the thrill of meeting new people who are kind of similar to your partner, but without the boredom of long term habits. Honestly it goes away and its basically just a test in my books. You should consider doing less 'game nights' with your bf and his friends and do much more together. Its a myth that spending time apart brings you closer, its quite the opposite actually. Spend more time together and learn to love him. You also seem quite young, so even if you were to leave your current bf for this friend, you'd probably act like this again with him. You're more infatuated and bored of your current relationship than you are in a worldly crisis.
Life is too short, cut the chord and end it. Ik another anon suggested that it might be the boredom but it could also be a deeper reason. What does this 'friend' have that your boyfriend doesn't? My ex was a huge scrub with no ambition and he wasn't extremely attractive so his friends with jobs and career prospects automatically seemed like better options. My disdain for his lack of motivation and his unattractiveness was manifesting in me looking at other guys as potentials. You might have a similar deeper reason behind your crushing. If you do break up then give yourself time to be single if you need it, you might even figure out that his "friend" isn't such hot shit either and that quarantine + only hanging with this group has made you adjust your standards.
After a terrible short fling of a relationship with a dude who raped me, my first LTR bf was in the same friend group and ime it's awkward for the guys. I'm guessing your bf didn't rape you though, my ex hated the first guy after learning about how he raped me. The first guy ended up fucking off out of the friend group all the while complaining/whining about how I ruined everything for him. The majority of friend group drama will be between them. You can't control your feelings. It's up to you to decide if this is worth it. Imo you might want to break up but do you really want to date this dude? Or does he just look better atm because your bf is lacking? In my case the second relationship ended up being much longer and more meaningful than the first (although not perfect, at least he didn't rape me). And lots of people have this friend group issue happen although I can't say it always ends well. If you're really unhappy deep down then just go for it. Again, life is short. If it doesn't work out then at least they're HIS friends and not yours so you won't have to deal with the fallout of it. You can make other friends. As for having to 'leave' the friend group? That's pretty normal babes. Nobody wants to be around their LTR ex all the time.
I've only had one LTR (and one sex partner). My ex and I used to do tons of foreplay with him eating me out to completion every time (except period sex ofc). All of these stories are scaring me man. To be fair my ex was terrible in bed when we first got together and I trained him to be better along with myself (I was a virgin, he wasn't). But unlike the op's bf he actually cared about my pleasure; it probably takes a certain type of guy to actually want to improve sex.
Makes me feel like I did other women a favor for improving our sex life at that time but also making him learn how to pleasure a woman for his future sex partners. Ofc I'm not the only one who has done this, it's just a joke.
this is good advice, but handle it with care. Sorry that you went through that anon.>You can’t control your feelings
I only have a tiny issue with this. Yes, you can’t control your initial feelings since they happened already, but you somehow can influence their further development to a degree. This might not be easy for anyone, but look at your crush towards this person like a tiny sapling that you can feed with different nutrients. If you feed it with romantic dream castles and Idealization it will only grow stronger and you will have an increasing chance for it to grow above your head making you obsess about it. In this scenario the plant gets fertilized too much and grows too strong too fast, causing potential problems because it didn’t have enough time and care to grow at a healthy pace.
Don’t get me wrong, crushes are nice I love them and seriously I’ve somehow crushed on almost all of my friends because I love them. But no fucking way would I start something romantic with them because I’d rather value them as friends than as romantic partners, and tbh all of them (as all people) have some issues which may be a huge turn-off to you after you get over the honeymoon phase or the crush weakens because you have a better time with something else and the plant didn’t get much nutrients for s while. Idk for me close friendship is a feeling quite similar to being in love, but admiration and the acknowledgment that someone’s handsome or smells good are pretty normal, like crushing is normal if you’re surrounded by good people (depends on your judgement tho) and not everyone you initially crush on might be a suitable romantic partner.
I thought he was a smart person who had the ability to solve problems in ways that I could not comprehend. I don't exactly think I'm stupid by comparison, but the way I do things is entirely different. I actually feel really ashamed to say I admired him, because I'm not one to hand out admiration.
We were similar in some ways but different enough that I thought our personalities were complimentary. Mutual friends apparently shipped us on the down low. He was constantly joking and far more outgoing than me. I have a tendency to come across as standoffish but he never thought that about me and we were friends for a few years before being together so I really thought it meant something. It wasn't some love at first sight situation, anyway. Our relationship had always been weirdly close and distant at the same time, which made it not too overwhelming to me, though it makes me wonder if I just never did a very good job of showing I cared. It feels dramatic to say but when we broke up it really felt like part of me had been taken away.
Thanks anon for your sympathies and for making that point, I said that bit about feelings quite carelessly. Kek. Maybe I’m just superstitious but imo emotions always have deeper/underlying meaning or a message behind them. I’m not even an emotional person, I only had this realization after I noticed how not confronting my emotions/issues was resulting in other problems. In my case with crushes it was my ex’s inadequacies that made me want more. I didn’t have to act on that crush and break up to date his friend and thankfully I didn’t. Ultimately what it could be is that OP’s bf is lacking in something and that’s why she’s looking at other prospects and seeing them as relatively better. I think the best advice is to break it off, take time, and see if the feelings for his best friend are still there.
I hope we get an update from you anon in a few months letting us know how you’re doing. >>193677
If he was closed off and introverted in general at work, and not just to you, he probably has stuff going on in his life.
Guys are weird in that they never open up about their personal problems even if they want to.
At the least, ask him if he's doing alright, 'because you seemed a bit sad lately'. At worst/best, he'll say he's "fine", but inside he'll be glad to know you cared enough to notice and ask. Don't try to push him further than that because it could lead to him unintentionally letting go of bottled-up emotions.
At best/worst, he might open up about whatever has got him like this.
Or yeah, you can wait, and probably nothing will change, but this is a good opportunity to let his feelings blossom beyond 'I wan fug dat'
I think I remember you, were you the anon with the work - husband type relationship, then you got drunk together and cuddled at your house and then he cried because the cuddling was nice? Then he stopped talking to you? If so, you're being dense. He's embarrassed, he likes you and it's hard that you don't like him back so he's withdrawing.
This was always going to happen if you're "just really good friends!" with a guy.
>>193876>he's not replying to my texts
STOP texting him. Block him and delete all his contact info. You’re not partners, you’re not friends. The relationship is done, he doesn’t want you. That may sound harsh but even the most incredible women get broken up with, it typically has to do with men’s personal issues unless you cheated on him or stole all his money or something, which I doubt. >the last thing I need is to "take time for myself"
Right, so you think pining after a man who doesn’t love you is a better use of your time? Come on. It’s okay to feel sad and miserable for a while, everyone agrees break ups hurt and you can’t rush the healing process. But at the least you can stop actively trying to engage with this guy and let yourself mourn the loss rather than trying to contact him, which is essentially picking at the scab so the pain stays fresh.
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I'm fucking done with this. I'm WGTOW
Do you have the rest of the article? I'm curious about men's reasons. Bet it's 'she got fat' or 'she doesn't want to fuck me after we had kids even though she's running around after toddlers 24/7 while I play video games'. >>193973
Men will insist women hit the wall and can't get men and in the next breath are insist that married women everywhere are trading up lmao. Seems obvious that the person initiating a divorce is usually the wronged party, and that most women are desperate to avoid the stigma of divorce/single motherhood and only leave if they absolutely have to.
Yes, it's from a British solicitors. https://www.battrickclark.co.uk/blog/top-10-causes-d-v-o-r-c-e/
Honestly I'm seriously re-considering my relationship after this.
Write a list of every bad thing he did and his negative qualities, then go ahead and write one that lists his good traits as well. When I broke up with my ex the bad side was literally like 5x as long as the good one. There were some
things I liked about him sure, few people have literally zero good qualities, but clinging to that stuff and trying to convince yourself that's the "real" him beneath the bad is a lost cause. He's just mostly shit. And yeah, work on developing self respect. Once you do it becomes embarassing to think about how you tried to convince an idiot who doesn't even respect himself to do the same towards you. People either recognize your worth or not. You feel upset by the loss of your dream of who you wanted him to be rather than the man he actually was. Check out this book for some helpful exercises to build your self esteem: http://libgen.rs/book/index.php?md5=1DDFD9D88A74F72181C80398997C4137
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boyfriend wants me to call him "daddy", i thought he was joking at first, but he kept bringing it up so I asked him why and he just said he doesn't know. Now what? I'm uncomfortable with it and I thought if i asked he'd give me a good explanation as to what about it turns him on so I could feel comfortable with it/reassured/at ease/etc. but now i'm at a loss. Hopefully he doesn't bring it up again (although he kept pushing it even after i said i thought it was gross), but does anyone else think it's weird? I'm touchy when it comes to mixing words children call their parents especially bc of my childhood trauma that involved a blood relative that was also my father figure…… never called him that but it still hits close to home bc i think of incest. The worst part of all is that my boyfriend is very nurturing and i kind of want to call him it bc i feel very provided and cared for. Yet it still somehow feels gross, I guess this is mostly to vent about how disappointed i am that he wasn't able to convince me to call him it, I'm more put off than before, I feel if I ask him again he would have thought of what to say by now…
sorry to hear that, how was it that you found out? And I think he kept pressuring me because he saw me hesitantly saying no, bc again, i kind of wanted to. Idk if i've watched so much porn in the past it's became sort of normalized, i feel like everyone is fine with it and i'm only grossed out because of my experience and maybe he's like everyone else and doesnt think much of it>>194030>>194031
he doesn't know, although i've sort of implied. he doesn't know it was a relative/person supposed to be taking care of me, i've been vague.
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I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for several months now. I truly love him, and I know he loves me as well, we're very close. But lately we've been spending less time together because he got a job that doesn't line up well with my schedule (I'm getting an early morning job soon myself) but I'm having a difficult time adapting to it. I struggle with fears of abandonment severely due to past trauma (childhood issues + past abusive relationship) and am terrified he's going to leave me because his needs are potentially not getting met due to wonky schedules. He always reassures me he won't leave, that he's with me forever, but it's like this feeling is eating away at me. It gives me a lot of anxiety and weighs heavy on my heart, I really hate it. I don't know how to cope with it and I think my irrational fear is putting a damper on our relationship. I think branching out and finding some other social outlets may help me a bit but I really just want to be a good girlfriend and I worry I fail at that. I just don't know how to deal with relationship anxiety after my past abuse, which while I have healed a lot from it, honestly I don't feel have fully 100% healed. I'm in therapy trying to work through things which helps but in the meantime I really am so terrified my weird paranoid behavior and inability to cope is going to run my boyfriend off. Anons with abandonment issues + anxiety, please help, any advice on coping with this fear would be greatly appreciated so I can stop (probably) annoying the shit out of him with my constant need for reassurance.
your boyfriend having a job with a time inconvenience doesn’t mean he will slip away from you. If you know you truly love each other you will both be able to triumph this and get through it together. Lots of healthy couples don’t see each other so often because of these aspects in life.
I live two hours away from my boyfriend and we are always busy, but when we see each other it’s like a dream and some day we will be living together and we don’t have to stress about seeing each other (sorry for this blog).
Fellow bippie speaking in good faith: you have only been together a few months, you should be careful when demanding so much reassurance and promises of permanence. You'll scare him away if you continue like this.
I know the bad schedules are starting to scare you, but actually, that scarcity can be good for a relationship and keeps things fresh.
Keep it all in perspective, nonny
That anon should get better for her own well-being and happiness, and not out of fear of "scaring him away." Honestly I think situations like this are a good test of whether a man can be reassuring and reliable or if he's only sticking around when things are good. Not saying anon should burden him with all her emotional problems, but he should also take some measures to make sure she feels secure.>that scarcity can be good for a relationship and keeps things fresh.
If you find the right person that isn't true.
I've got two little brothers, which is why I find dating a man who is more than a year younger than me disgusting.
I do not know how some women can date men who are 3 and more years younger than them when said men are in early 20s (eg 20-23) when they all are brainwashed by Reddit, are Elon Musk / JP praisers and don't have any hobby outside videogames.
I hate age gaps too. My max as a 24 yr old is -1/+3 years. Dating someone in their late 20s and 30s feels wrong to me since we're probably at different stages of life, and them dating someone much younger makes me wonder if they're attracted to me as a person or more for youth.
On a personal/vanity level I don't like the idea contributing to the idea that men can expect to date much younger women or dating someone who's looks would degrade more rapidly than mine.
My question is twofold;
On a first date, I made out with this guy, then said I want to take it slowly. We work in the same place (different departemnts), so I want to tread a little more carefully than how I was acting. Anyway, he texted and said he had a good time and wouldn't be pushy, but since then he hasn't initiated shit. He's said several times to me that he's always available with a little notice, so let him know when I'm available. It feels like i'd be initiating everything though, no? He has absolutely no chill when we bump into each other, so I don't think he's disinterested, but it's kind of offputting and sets a bad precedent.
Additionally, he just won't text me. He'll reply to my questions on availability, but won't make any conversational texts. I will say, he's not good at speaking my native language, so might be uncomfortable (I told him he's welcome to text in his language, I can always translate). But he's close to 40 years old (i'm early 30s), so maybe it's an age/cultural thing. It's just very strange to have the two sides of quite cold/to the point over text, and then warm and excited when we meet in person.
I just kind of think that all these factors in combination might indicate he's only interested in hooking up, or that he isn't invested enough to even make an effort to plan dates. I like him but not really sure where to take this, or even how to express it.
>>194521>I just kind of think that all these factors in combination might indicate he's only interested in hooking up
That's the impression I got on reading this. You slowed down the sexual progression so now he's putting in less energy given he's in it for sexual payoff. That's my take.
Usually you can slow down sexual stuff and guys know that's all you meant to slow down on. That he's still meant to act the same in other respects and make an effort if he has any actual dating intentions with you. Given he's 40 he shouldn't be too prone to misreading the situation either. He can't get laid through a text so he won't spend time on texting.
There was a 12 year age gap in my last relationship and I started out thinking we were just fine and that I wasn't working at a disadvantage because of those 12 years… well I had my mind thoroughly changed after finding myself abused and turned into a nervous wreck (all while blaming myself) I would've sworn before then that I'd be one of those people to dip on the very first sign of abuse. I'm not a naturally trusting person and I'm slow to warm to people. I did not think I'd be suckered in by anyone. But he was at an advantage. I get that now.
I can't go there again after that experience. I randomly met a guy lately and I remember mentally ticking a box upon hearing we share the same birth year. That's now a huge pro to me. It was music to my ears.
Idk anon>I want to take it slowly>He takes it slowly>surprisedpikachu.jpg
I'd communicate that you want equal initiation. My partner also said he wanted to take it slow, so the only way he felt comfortable in the beginning of our relationship was when he initiated first.
>>194552>There is a huge difference between our text convos and in person dates. Our in person dates feel a bit awkward
That's normal, it takes time to build rapport in the real world. If you feel stuck right now maybe you could try flirting over text to start? You said you're not sure about wanting a relationship yourself so it feels a bit odd to bring it up before you're ready, but you could at least start taking your conversations in a more intimate direction. Ask her what she's looking for in a partner, if she has any preferences when it comes to looks, what she finds romantic. Not only will that obviously give you more insight into what she likes, it will bring you closer and give you opportunity to take advantage of those facts in a nice way. Like if she says she thinks bracelets are cute on women you can wear one on your next date, or if she thinks picnics are romantic you can set that up for her. But yeah, flirt more. >Hey so-and-so check out this dress! [send picture]>Wow it's really cute>I thought so too. You'd look amazing in it, you have such great legs
>I'm reading a book and this portion made me think of you>Oh, why? >This character is so clever, I was reminded of when you did xyz on our last date. I was really impressed.
>I saw this movie scene that was supposed to be romantic and it turned out so lame. What do you think?>[giving insight into her preferences]>Yeah I think that would be much better as well. Personally I would've liked [scenario]. It would be great to get the opportunity to do that with you.
Idk maybe I'm shameless but I think flirting is half the fun of dating and being in a relationship kek. Have a good time with it and hopefully not being face to face will make it easier for you to start. How she reacts to comments like this will be a good indicator of whether she's receptive or not, although I'm willing to bet she will be since she obviously enjoys interacting with you and has continued going on dates. And if she reacts positively that should give you more confidence to proceed in person. She's probably feeling shy too since you're both inexperienced, so don't be afraid to take the next step. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
The last guy I dated fell for someone else and afaik it was an emotional affair. I suspect but can't prove it was more than that. She was only recently single too, had been seeing someone for years prior. It takes a toll on your self confidence for sure but one thing Ikeep seeing (more so with men) is how sometimes 'shiny and new' is just that tempting to them. They want to drop off all the years of baggage you have together and just chase the new fuzzy untainted lover instead.
I don't mean this in a bitchy way but looks wise my ex happily downgraded and she also ticked lots of boxes for things that he always told me he absolutely hates in women.. so why would he chose her above me still? Surely my self esteem should be destroyed by those added crappy facts? She's shiny and new. I think it's about that deep sometimes.
Anon your boyfriend sounds emotionally stunted. He can’t do the base-level boyfriend action of supporting you when you feel down? Trying to cheer you up even if he fucks it up is miles better than straight up ignoring you or invalidating your feelings. What about when he
feels terrible? I don’t know him so I won’t assume why he’s doing this like the anons above, but like I said this is base-level shit and what he’s doing isn’t normal. There are men who wouldn’t hesitate to comfort you. You aren’t asking for therapy, just basic comfort, so you deserve much better than this crap response and you know it.
Not everyone cheats; not everyone is a piece of garbage.
As for you, be patient and gentle with yourself, focus on your goals (career, hobbies, etc), put romantic/sexual relationships on the back burner for now. Take yourself out to the movies, go on a solo trip to a nearby city, rewatch Legally Blonde, get a new haircut, consider therapy to work through your grief. I also went through the same thing you did —long term relationship, got dumped, dragged on the breakup and ended up feeling lost about my identity— but I forced myself into a two-year celibacy that allowed me to focus and be patient with myself. The old you is dead, but you will heal and evolve into a new, wiser, beautiful woman, I promise.
Why are men such retards when it comes to emotional intelligence. Men receive emotional labor from their girlfriends all the time but can't figure out how to imitate that?
I know you said you don't have anyone else but try seeking out irl or online support anyway if "doomp him" isn't an option. Nothing worse than feeling alone when you're in a relationship.
I dated a guy once who showed me texts like this from his ex. He did it to show me 'how insane' she was… I didn't quite know who to believe tbh. In the end I believed her because I got to experience his bad side myself and her words rang eerily true.
But I remember deciding to never email or text him or any guy anything that could be seen as crazy post break up and used against me. I don't want any man to pull that same shit on me and use my written down feelings to label me as bpd like he did with her. It's too easy to twist that shit when other people don't have context.
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I'm not how to break up with my boyfriend. How do you decide between "haha life is short" and "stability?" in the long run? My boyfriend can provide for me the emotional and financial stability I've been craving since I was young. He recently got to this point saying that his reason behind doing things now is just for me, and our future as we progress in a long term relationship (we’ve been dating for two years, we became LDR about a year ago though). It sounds sweet but some of the things he’s been doing has just been driving me up all the wall and were not able to get resolved. A few months back, I considered breaking up with him but he told me that he would just kill himself. Though I know I’m not responsible for his actions, it makes me so scared. It is not that I don’t care for him but I just do not feel that I love him as much to see a future with him anymore for reasons I can’t necessarily state to avoid making this post even longer. He’s just heavily reliant on me. My friends are his friends and he's worried that if I leave him, he won't have that anymore even though I told him they would still be his friends if they’re true friends. I want the best for him but even sexually, I'm just not feeling it at all because I feel like the emotional connection with him has just burned out. I expressed my concerns to him but he said he can just give up sex if I feel too stressed out not having it. He always tends to jump to extremes in order to satisfy the situation, but I told him that’s not healthy. Honestly, I’ve been just stuck in this breakup limbo because I don’t have the courage because I’m scared of him harming himself or doing other extreme things. Now it’s just also awkward because everything is “fine” at the moment between us but this is just been weighing on my mind for weeks and I’m just at a loss of what to do.
Anon I'm so sorry you're going through that, if it ended recently then it's going to take some time. Don't blame yourself for not being 'objective' right now and let yourself grieve. In time you will gain the apathy towards him and your relationship. My relationship was just under 2.5 years and while I started having realizations immediately after the break up, it took around 6 months to a year to feel complete indifference (and disgust) towards him.>>194722
Don't do it, moids get off on you caring enough to reach out. You also won't get any closure or answer that satisfies you. Moids are genuinely emotionally unintelligent so the majority are incapable of any deeper self-reflection that would result in a decent response.
Generally some good advice: you can send paragraph texts one after the other with a full psychoanalysis of your male SO with a full treatment plan of "what to do" but the only thing that truly gets through to men is total apathy. Keep in mind that passion behind hate is stronger than love. >>194664
Good god this was my ex in a nutshell. GET OUT NOW. Mofo was a creative writing major and yet I was sending him prose and letters thinking he'd reciprocate lol. There's no 'rational' explanation and it will never make sense. Men simply have the audacity not to care and we make excuses for them and even look within ourselves to internalize blame. Imo I think therapy focusing on self-confidence would help as a lot of women have low standards and need to reevaluate their own worth without men's bias added into the mix.>>194714
Agreed, why are so many men like this and how do we avoid them jfc? My only relationship resulted in me feeling crazy at times because I cared too much in comparison to how little my ex cared about me and everything else.
fuck anon, hope youre doing much better these days. I feel people that can call their SOs the word luckily had a normal childhood, but it is sort of triggering
to hear, despite my perpetrator not even being my dad, it still leaves a sour taste in my mouth because it was still a relative, and even if it wasn't, i can see how I'd still get put off because dads are authority figures responsible for their children, the word is to describe this relationship, i dunno if you get what i mean. However while women with normal childhoods might not think too much into it, I do. I start thinking about why any man would be fine with being called that, or even ask to be called that, it could be for the same reason, they also had normal childhoods and don't think too much of it. I do overthink and take it to mean they may have latent incest fantasies, and I'm hyper-aware looking at every little detail to make sure the guy i'm with doesn't have any sort of chronophilia towards the underaged because i would never want to put my children at even 0.1% risk of living in the same house as this type of men. to say i am paranoid is an understatement.
>>194783 >anonnies what would you do
I wouldn't fuck an incel. Not for anything
You already know the answer to everything you're asking here. You'll walk away hating men and feeling frustrated and used if you do go there. Throwing yourself at an incel doesn't lead to them being grateful. They're fundamentally flawed and will only shit on the women who dare to pity fuck them.
Hold out for a normal guy. It'll be worth the wait. You sound like you need to be single and work on your self esteem for a while too tbh. It's healthier to take time out to be single sometimes. Work on other aspects of your life in the meantime.
Honestly, just make the hard choice and rip the bandaid off. Grayrock them as much as possible afterwards.
I can personally understand the feeling of total decency and hopelessness that hinges on a relationship. And I tell you that you shouldn't feel bad, these people KNOW they are being manipulative. And they DO think of the next step, the next target to leech on, no matter how much they say they won't need it. Suicide is very rarely the absolute answer in someone's mind, especially when it's conditional. It's a sink or swim situation so don't let them pull you down too. Most baiters won't go through with it, the ones who died are mostly accidental BPD tantrum gone wrong. In which case, you should feel only spite for them.
Sorry you had to go through this too, anon. It's miserable. I don't even know what this girl looks like, all I know is he was willing to put everything into a potential relationship with her & just let ours crumble. And that's exactly what happened. I think you're right though. >>194678
I think he's just after the shiny and new aspect of finding someone. I just feel shitty that 7 years together meant absolutely nothing in the end.>>194678
Dang, your reply hit me hard. I don't really plan on jumping into a relationship any time soon, he really just completely destroyed my ability to trust and my self-esteem is absolute zero. It just feels like, if being together for years wasn't good enough, am I just not girlfriend material? It's just hard to go and do things for myself when I feel like I'm not really worth the effort. Your reply means a lot though, I know I'm in a funk, but reading your response gives me some hope.
I'm in the same boat as you right now, I want to rage at my ex and tell him how shitty he treated me, how much he wasted my time and effort and threw it back in my face, etc. It is taking every fiber of my being to hold myself back, but I know in the end when I've calmed down and gotten out of this mood, I'll be so grateful that I did.
Don't give him any more of your time or attention. He had that chance and shat on it. When I feel this way, I'll sit down and write it all up in an empty word doc & then delete it when I've finished, read it over, and processed the feelings I had to get out. I'm with you in spirit.
Honestly if I'm getting laid outside the relationship I don't care if he does too. But if Im staying home and he's out with someone else that would make me angry or sad. Idk if that's healthy lol.
I've never been a jealous person but I'm very sensitive to rejection.
If I feel wanted and desired I'm good. But I don't know if it's fair to say: you can only have a girlfriend if I do, otherwise it feels like you're choosing someone else over me.
Stop watching so much porn.
>>194992>would you be allowed to fuck another guy
Yeah I don't foresee that being a problem at all, I'm just fixated on women at the moment so maybe it didn't come across that way. He isn't the jealous type either.>>194983
I think you have a good point that my self esteem and the relationship needs to be 100% secure. Part of me wonders if it's even possible though to have a happy healthy poly/open couple. Low key if everyone was actually mature and secure they could just communicate and meet each others needs instead of looking outside the relationship? Our relationship is healthy and we communicate well, so I wonder if this would actually make us happier or if it's a greedy childish fantasy.>>195002
I don't watch porn, is that a thing that porn makes you want to be poly? Or are you just calling me a coomer lol
Sorry to samefag but>>195002
Lol no, I'm late 20s he's early 30s. I just said Nigel as shorthand for good partner, I guess it's an outdated reference now>>195005
In the past I have asked him to sacrifice time with friends for me when I needed it and he did it, no questions asked,no resentment. When I'm being a drag he will be the one to ask me what's wrong and get me to talk it out, we both do that for each other so we don't really leave things to stew or abandon each other when things are difficult.
Do I know if he'll be that attentive when there's a fuck buddy waiting in the wings? I hope so, but I don't know.
I am calling you a coomer yes.
Also I don't trust people who say 'we're both not the jealous type', I'm not saying jealousy is healthy, but a certain degree of traditional, monogamous loyalty goes a long way. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, maybe I'm too young (24) to know any better, but I believe swapping energy with multiple people just isn't cool. Whoever says polyamory is 'fine if done right' is delusional. I could not imagine my bf inserting his penis inside another woman, that's a vulnerable, emotional moment for us, and if he was to share that part of his soul with someone else, I would die.
nta and not disagreeing but>swapping energy>part of his soul
I thought I got my 'sleeping around phase' out of my system young. Then I settled into a live-relationship and eventually found myself desperate to sleep with a woman while several years into that hetero relationship. I ended things and explored sleeping around again. He wasn't everything that I wanted so I left. It felt more fair than any of the alternatives, in the long run it hurt everyone less.
I've known too many poly people to even go there. It's a total shitshow from what I've seen them go through.
It seems kind of obvious>>195082
It's difficult to tell when you're an autist
Honestly, don't. Or at least give it some time to see if the feelings stay the same (like a looot of time). I know it seems exciting and everything, but I did the exact same thing in the past and developed feelings for a guy, while being like a month out of my last relationship. And, surprise, after like two months in I've realized that it WAS, in fact, a rebound, and that I just wanted to be loved and appreciated by someone, anyone. Also, just being in a new relationship so soon brought out a lot of unexpected hurt about the last one, it's a bad situation to be in for everyone involved. Never doing this shit again. You may think that you're over that person, but in fact you haven't given yourself enough time to heal and think and evaluate.
Also not worth risking potentially ruining a friendship over this imo. If all of that wasn't convincing enough, consider this: how would you feel if you knew that your guy friend just had a bad breakup and is making a move on you out of nowhere? Probably not great. There's a high chance that even if he reciprocates, it's constantly going to be on the back of his mind that he's likely just a temporary rebound, and that's not a good foundation for a relationship
I would also add:>cares about your health and safety
I wouldn't say it's a must but it's nice to have
I had that same kind of problem with my last ex except he stopped having sex with me in general for the last 8 months of the relationship. I felt so disgusted at myself for wanting to be sexual with him (coming from a person who doesn't masturbates) when he obviously wasn't interested anymore. I found out after the breakup that he was sexually messaging other women while he was with me.
Since then I've been so put off and confused when guys compliment my body and how sexually attracted they are to me. Yet these guys don't want to be in a relationship with me. I would so love to find a balance where someone would be physical and want to be in a relationship rather than just one or the other.
Is my relationship heading to the wrong place?
First, I'll say that my boyfriend and I are both very jealous and possessive people. I wouldn't mind much if he talked to other girls (he has no interest in doing this, though), but he minds if I talk to other people. The more I talk to others, the less he wants to talk to me. He has friends but I don't, and if I want to make new friends I must exclude half the population, since he doesn't want me talking to males. An old (male) friend of mine contacted me and I wanted to ask him to come to my house or have a coffee but my boyfriend got really upset. He has also gotten upset before in the past over me talking to guys or telling him to go to therapy. This got to the point where I feel so dirty talking to other men, guilt consumes me. I think I'll stop contacting men altogether.
We're in a LDR and we have been dating for around three months, but he already wants to marry and is doing the paperwork to come see me. Once we met, we're moving together. Until someone pointed out how nuts that idea was, I never really gave it much thought. It is, indeed, too soon. Not only that, but what if it goes wrong and I'll find myself with no friends, no family, no money, no job, and no college education in a foreign country. He says he would never leave me, and I want to trust him because he's the loveliest man I know but, yeah.
Third issue: He has severe trust issues and paranoia, things he won't get help for since he thinks we should work on it together and that being with me will be enough to "fix" him. I don't think this is quite true.
Another thing, love bombing. Constantly. Never used against me, but it's there. He gives me gifts and compliments 24/7 which is cute and I appreciate but sometimes it makes me feel kind of… off. I don't know, he seems to think I'm perfect which I am not and I just don't want him to get bored of me when he finds out I'm a flawed individual. He says he can't go without me and would kill himself if I weren't there and I even said those things myself before and it used to be cute and romantic but now it's just kind of gruesome.
Sorry for typing so much.
I got out of a relationship before where affection and sex dwindled for a while, I was lonely for the last few months of living with him and then he came out about an affair which explained everything. I started to crush on a friend in the few weeks that followed and tbh me moving away put a halt to it and I'm so thankful for that stopping me and allowing me to take time for myself and not chase my feelings away with distraction like that. Two weeks post break up is rebound town. Your feelings of attachment can be easily just tranferred over to anyone else right now and that's not healthy attachment.
I would give it time. I'd process the loss of your last relationship (and any anger left behind) and I'm not even being funny..buy some toys if you need to. Prioritise friends and hobbies. Rushing to get affection after you've been feeling affection starved is undertsandable but this rarely leads to anything healthy or worthwhile. It means you never get to process your feelings, they pile up.
>>195184 >but he minds if I talk to other people. The more I talk to others, the less he wants to talk to me. He has friends but I don't, and if I want to make new friends I must exclude half the population
There's no excusing the fact that he ever thought this was ok. No matter what he tells you now he's temporarily BSing you and he'll return to this controlling shit. Run for the hills.
The next 2 paragraphs are also independantly enough to warrant you leaving and never looking back. This man is unwell but he's unwell in the way where YOU will pay for it and suffer 1000 times more than he ever will. Don't pity him, don't believe his words now. Save yourself the pain the will lay ahead if you entertained his shit.
He said he was sorry and that he doesn't want to isolate you but did he talk about how he's going to improve his behavior? Do you feel comfortable now to hang out with other guys or are you still afraid of him being upset if you do? You're only three months in, this is the honeymoon stage of your relationship when guys are usually on their best behavior and he's still showing tons of red flags other than the isolation. Nonnie
, he doesn't seem like a good man at all. Please be careful and get out of this relationship, the issues you raised are not ones that can easily be changed. He needs professional help.
He said he will try not to be upset when I talk to other guys and that we can talk it out.
A problem is, he has lewd pictures of me, which I feel stupid for sending now. I haven't been sending them for long, but he has them. I'm scared of him posting those on 4chan or trying to doxx me. I would be utterly depressed and probably suicidal.
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recently broke up with a guy i've been dating for a year and i just gotta vent without worrying about being the bigger person.
this guy has been an emotional fucking vampire. all he ever did was use me for emotional comfort. never was he mutual with his emotions and actions. it was alwaaaaays me giving him comfort, especially after he told me he had "separation anxiety". fuuuuck that. more like he wanted me to be available to him whenever he needed it. if i said i was busy, he'd pout and give me the cold shoulder. it felt like i was being punished for having a life outside of him.
i hate that i didn't leave his ass earlier. i loved him so i gave him the benefit of the doubt, knowing what i knew about him. the little that he did open up, i realize it was just to keep under him. and it did work. when he went on about how he was the forgotten middle child, i reasoned away why he would be so rude talking over our friends, or showing less interest in their and my interests but talking at length and expecting everyone else to show interest in his hobbies.
fuck his sorry ass. i still feel shitty now about cutting him off, after trying to try being friends with him after i broke up with him. but i know it's gonna wear off soon.
his close "friends", and i use that term loosely because despite being "friends" with him for years none of them really care much for him anymore because they're realize he couldn't give a shit about them personally. he uses them to hangout and that's it. they've gone out of their way to be friends to him but he can't be bothered to do the same.
and now? after breaking up, they're hanging out with me and not him. and tbh i'm loving it. i genuinely care about them and take an interest in their lives, unlike him. his "best friend" has even admitted that if he had to pick sides, he'd choose mine after seeing how things have played out.
i'm definitely a dumb bitch for staying as long as i did. for suuuuure. i'm not a complete victim here. but damn it feels nice to get this off my chest and say what i feel. i feel used, i feel stupid, when i see him online doing shit as usual i feel sad and annoyed that he's not crippled by my absence.
but then i remember that he basically has no one now because of how he treated the people that actually cared about him. all he has is these shallow relationships with people who wouldn't give a fuck about him.
tl;dr i spent a year with an emotional black hole of a guy. gave him way too many chances after the honeymoon phase because i pitied him. finally broke up with him and all his close friends now prefer to hangout with me than him cus he treated them like shit.
You're right anon. He's really trying. Today I told him I wanted to dye my hair and instead of saying "Don't do that" he said, "I'm supportive." Isn't that progress?>>195389
I will try but all I have is his word.
if the guilt is too much to bear, tell him
normal straight men don't "count" lesbian affairs, if you get what I mean
Thank you anons. The guilt was eating me alive, and I told him everything as soon as I got the chance to in person. I had never drank that much with other people before and didn't realize I'd get like that, so I told him I'd stop drinking socially to ensure it never happens again. He was hurt of course but not angry, amazingly he forgave me and told me he still trusts me, and was really glad I told him right away and he hopes I can forgive myself. Im still incredibly ashamed and also horrified that I'm a cheater but grateful that he forgave me and glad I told him. >>195439
I don't want it to. This is the worst thing I've ever done. I don't even have feelings for the woman I cheated with and kind of never want to see her again, especially since I suspect she was not as drunk as me when it happened. But I'm still ashamed and want to accept my actions and keep from repeating them – what can I do (in addition to quitting drinking)?
Does anyone have any advice on my situation? Earlier in our relationship a lot of things happened that caused me to have trust issues and a lot of insecurities. Most of that is gone now but it's still affecting me. When we spend time together it usually makes me really happy, but he puts no effort in this at all. I can't have any type of plans for the future with him. We almost ended things a while ago, at which point he didn't talk to me for two weeks which really sucked. I tried talking to friends more and did stuff I usually like doing and I wasn't crying 24/7, but I felt incredibly empty and it was only getting worse instead of better as I would've expected.
After we started talking again I try to make sure that everything is according to his preferences. Spending time apart was helpful in a way and I can handle a lot of things better now I think, but even so, every time I voice any small complaint, or want to spend time with him more than he does, he immediately calls me insane. It's just really hurtful because I feel like I can't voice any negative thing I feel without him acting like I'm crazy. He voiced concerns that I would stalk him and threaten him with suicide if he ever tried to leave me - I never did anything to indicate this but he said he left someone in the past who threatened to kill herself so he experienced it. But when I thought he left me I didn't have a meltdown and was just trying to move on, even though I hoped that things would be resolved. Also, he thought that whenever we had a conflict it would cause me to eventually escalate things, when in reality my problems never went beyond crying and I wasn't secretly plotting my revenge. Often it feels like he doesn't even do the bare minimum but I can't say anything about it because wanting to feel at least a little bit loved makes me insane and clingy. He does have nice moments though, and irl he is really caring, but he really sucks at expressing that online most of the time. But there are so many things he does that I think most women wouldn't tolerate. Even so, he is the first person I really love and he can be really great, and I'm still hoping things will resolve themselves once I can go see him (I haven't been able to for a long time now because of covid, but hopefully it'll happen soon). He used to call me everyday, and because of my abandonment issues and his lack of reassurance it would make me scared to spend a day without that. In hindsight I should've given him more space, but I'm trying now. He still calls me often and usually most days, but there are also a lot of days when we just text. Which is mostly okay, but sometimes I feel lonely and I just want to be around him for a bit, but I can't express that without immediately being called out for being insane. That really hurts me. And when that happens he also says that I didn't change at all, which, yeah I can't change instantly, but I've been trying to give him more space and I generally complain a lot less about things than before the 2 week 'break' we had, and I even feel different about it internally, like it doesn't scare me so much anymore if he doesn't call me for a day or something. But sometimes I do feel like I'm clingy and the worst or like I just don't deserve to be cared for because I'm just inadequate. I'm just unsure what to do. Like I said there are still many things that make me happy with him, and usually it's really nice to spend time with him. But there are all of these issues that can make me miserable, but I'm not sure how I could ever move on when the time I thought I had to was just so horrible. I really want to stay with him but not sure what to expect. He is in his 30s and lives with his parents and has no income. I'm a lot younger but I have a lot of savings and really want a life with him, but he doesn't want that unless he has his own income, but doesn't really do anything for it. It's just hard because he doesn't trust me enough to live with me like this, but every time we have a minor conflict he says I'm not doing myself any favors and then I feel like I made him trust me even less and feel really guilty about it. I don't know if it makes me clingy to want to have a life with someone instead of focusing only on having a separate life and my own goals. I saved up for a masters that I'm starting in September, I have some things that I really like to do even on my own, I don't have a lot of friends but being social just isn't for me. But having someone to care about the way I care about him is really important to me, and I just can't substitute that with hobbies and goals. I would like to talk to him about these things but I feel like it just wouldn't end well.
anon please, get away from him. is it okay if I ask how big the age difference is? if this is a man in his 30s there's no way that he is 1. single for no reason and 2. treating you like this/acting like a teenage boy. this is gaslighting and manipulative at best, narcissistic behaviour at worst.
if he's your "first love" you're naturally going to feel this way, so reaching out for other's opinions is your first step and you're doing it, so be proud. I don't want to be harsh but this is NOT RIGHT and you should cut all contact. I highly suggest a hard block, and keep working on your own social life and goals. I know that might sound miserable but it'll do you wonders in the long term. there is only misery down this road for you if you continue to be with this man. he sounds awful. also, not to pry, can I ask what "But there are so many things he does that I think most women wouldn't tolerate" means? like, sexually/mentally/emotionally abusive
you don't have to "substitute" for hobbies and goals, but you're substituting for a loving relationship. if he's making you do things you don't want to do, making you question yourself, having to be less affectionate because it might set him off? you can't live walking on eggshells.
I really hope you're safe and okay, and if you have those savings and plans focus on keeping yourself on track. he doesn't deserve you.
sorry if this came off as harsh in any way, I've just been in an extremely similar position as well as several of my female friends and these men are genuinely only out for themselves. I wish you the best of luck. please, if he does anything you feel is overstepping consider them red flags. I would even start writing down FACTS of what he's done/keeping a log so you know when you're sane and he's calling you otherwise.
love you nonny
you got this.
It's 10 years. I can't really feel it though, I briefly dated someone a couple of years ago who was mid-thirties and it was super obvious and made me feel uncomfortable. He has been sitting at home since high school and barely goes outside, which doesn't bother me, it's just at the same time he is so set on only being more committed to me if he is independent, even though I offered to pay for rent and stuff.
About the things others wouldn't tolerate - he is not monogamous, but was never really open about this, I just found out along the way and mostly by the time I was too invested to leave. For about a year I was made to hang out with another girl a lot (only online and he never met her irl) - it always made me anxious beforehand, I never looked forward to it. I tried to become friends with her but whenever I shared my problems she kinda latched onto my insecurities and I found it really toxic
and damaging to have her in my life. She eventually ended up leaving him. The other girl he talked to also ended up leaving (he wouldn't meet up with her because she was overweight. And I pretty much had to keep it a secret that I met him because I knew it would've hurt her incredibly to know), but I talked to her a lot and we shared a lot of similar problems with him. I had really bad conflicts with the first girl, and whenever I talked about it to him he just couldn't be asked to deal with it, or called me jealous and immature. I never expected to be in a situation like that and I think even actual polyamorous people have jealousy and conflicts all the time, but somehow he expected it to work forcing generally insecure, monogamous people together and then just not taking any responsibilities to make them feel reassured. There were a lot of things that came from that situation that were really damaging to me.
I never want that dynamic again, and it ended around January last year. It does feel a lot better not having to deal with that. I don't think he talks to anyone else serious rn just because of how he is handling some things, but it's still not a good feeling. I had a guy friend who he got really mad about at some point, that was probably the only time he was explicitly upset with me, even though nothing was actually going on with him and he was just a friend I talked to sometimes. He said he was disgusted with me etc. because the guy wanted to meet me and I said yes because I was too awkward to say no - I didn't even want to go through with it, and I showed my boyfriend the conversation so it wasn't like I was doing it behind his back. But then if I get insecure then it's immature and jealous.
Earlier in our relationship he used to put me on timeouts if I didn't do something he wanted. It was mostly just stupid things and it was not too serious, even though no contact is horrible for me. But at one point he told me to message a girl he found online for him, obviously I hated the idea but he said he'd put me on a timeout if I didn't. I barely knew him at that point, I didn't know how I wasn't supposed to take a lot of the things he did seriously. I just felt really coerced and humiliated. There were a lot of things like this. Luckily this stuff has stopped and it feels like a monogamous relationship now, except for knowing he could cheat on me any time and it would be my fault if I felt sad about it. As a result, I'd rather not know, but it also makes it harder to trust him.
The problem is that usually I feel like myself around him and it's fun, it's just that I'm making all of the compromises because his solution to everything is that if I don't like it then I should leave because he is the way he is and I shouldn't try to change him - but that apparently doesn't apply to me when he put me in a situation that was the last thing I wanted - I can't change being monogamous and not being sexually attracted to women. I don't want to have a threesome. But he tried really hard to change that, even though it really hurt me. In comparison, the things I tried to 'change' about him was asking him to tell me if he didn't want to call me instead of being dismissive, or reassure me that he still cares about me, etc.
But when I talk about all the bad things he comes across as really awful, even though he helps me with a lot of things, when I went to see him he was amazing and caring and even online I love hanging out with him and our relationship is a lot better than how it used to be, at least for the most part.
I know that if I could live with him I wouldn't bother him 24/7, I'm content doing my own things as well but he doesn't trust that. But I can't not feel like a relationship is really important to me. I don't particularly want kids, but I know it's important to some people - like it was the thing my stepmom wanted the most, even if she has hobbies and loves her job and has friends, it was so important to her and it would've been unfair to tell her to just stop caring so much about it and focus on other stuff. That's how I feel about this relationship. It's so important to me and I don't want to feel like it isn't, that doesn't mean I have no life outside of it. But I feel like that is kind of normal, though at this point I'm lowkey doubting that because what if I am too clingy. But it still feels like I'm not, and the times I might've been could've been mitigated by him being a bit more attentive, but of course he wouldn't do that because that would apparently teach me that I can get things by crying or complaining.
Thanks for the support, you're really kind. I just feel like it's impossible to leave, because whenever I start feeling bad he soon after does something nice or spends time with me, but also the one time I thought he left me was worse than how some of the things he does make me feel. I wish I wasn't so stupidly attached though. I thought intense feelings of love are supposed to fade after around 6 months or a year, but it's been around 3 years now and I'm still infatuated. I just don't get it.
But it also hurts when he calls me out for having no life - I have 60k in savings (not that it's a huge amount or anything but after having $0 at one point and being completely dependent on student loans then my dad it makes me feel good), I love drawing and try to practice it a lot, I like playing video games, I work out a lot, got accepted to multiple universities, I got a cat recently, and I'm trying to find ways to improve. I don't have a big social life but I tried it in the past and it isn't for me. I'm not judging him but he has been sitting at home accomplishing nothing apart from learning some programming since he finished high school, he wants to make games but isn't working hard on it, and only talks to people online, so I'm not sure how I don't have a life while he does.
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I have a scat fetish but would never want anything to do with it in real life, but even I have never revealed it to a soul I know personally. Run or have a talk but be prepared to (run)
thank you ladies, i'm just so conflicted because we like so many of the same niche games and interests but this just really caught me by surprise.
i told him that i'm not comfortable with doing that stuff at all & he was fine & didn't expect me to, but it's still making me feel weird knowing he's into that
There's likely a much higher number of fart/scat fetishists in the world than we'd ever know but like other anon said.. many just keep it to themselves. They don't share it or feed into to too much by making it known to others.
The concerning part is that he shared this with a woman he's just been talking to for a lil bit. Men share their fetishes with women when they want their fantasy entertained and fulfilled. He's testing the waters because he's a fetishist who wants to actually act on it and find a willing partner to do this with someone. If he had no intentions of finding that he would keep those thoughts to himself like many do. I wouldn't run purely because of the fetish itself but because he was so willing to put it out there and you guys sound like you're not even a thing yet. He's testing the waters and probably now backtracking and saying it's not a big thing but.. if you're not willing then he's likely looking for someone who is or he's indulging in alot of scat porn or online chats to scratch that itch for him.
So you're uncomfortable over something 1. you have no proof even is a thing >I feel like
and even within your unsubstantiated worry he's not even talking to these women, just didn't unfollow them?
Not everyone thinks of deleting everyone they've even flirted with in the past once they get a stable relationship, not out of malicious reasons but it just doesn't cross their mind. If he's not talking to these women what are the odds really they're any danger, just existing out there?
Ultimately though, if it really bothers you this much, you should openly talk with him about your worry and what couls be done about it. It will be uncomfortable but you shouldn't bottle things up under the assumption someone will be upset because it's not how healthy relationships work. Just focus on how you feel about it, not accuse him of anything if there's no real suspicion.
If you unfollowed people right at the beginning it would've been ideal to talk it out back then. It sounds like you didn't but it should be ok to ask these things now. There's a differnece between asking a partner to drop all friends of the opposite sex and just asking that they don't have people they casually talked to romanatically/sexually hanging around on their socials. If you're only asking about the latter and you've been considerate enough to already do the same on your end.. you should be able to bring this up in a calm way adn talk it out like adults. As long as you're chill in the way you ask he has no reason to flip out. If he reacts angrily that'd be an indication of something in itself.
Communicate on it now before it becomes a bigger thing. His reaction to being asked may tell you alot about him. Good or bad.
>>195538>>195547>calls you insane, humiliates you>doesn't put in base effort>mid thirties, doesn't have income, doesn't have a job, lives with his parents, doesn't leave the house>not monogamous>but gets angry with you when you try to meet a guy in a friendly manner>puts you on timeouts as if you're a child or a dog
You're dating a lost cause anon. Just any one of these things are worth breaking up over and you've got a whole list of it. Tbere's literally nothing worth salvaging here. Not sure what kind of advice you thought you'd get here other than the one wise thing to do and that's breaking up with this mess.>having someone to care about the way I care about him is really important to me
He's not the only man on this planet you could be caring about. But in order to open yourself up to the possibility of caring for a higher quality man that's actually worth your caring, you need to cut this crap out of your life first.
But honestly, considering after all of this, you still put up with him, probably means you need some sort of therapy or professional health because putting up with this kind of behaviour says a lot about you and your self-respect and/or mental health.
Anon, read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You're in a relationship with an abuser. Emotional abuse, but nonetheless it is extremely damaging. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You have a lot of good things going on for you right now. Make no mistake, continuing to allow this parasite to leech off you will eventually make your life and emotional state (which is already very compromised) worse than it already is. Everything >>196055
said is spot on and like she noted at the end, a healthy person would not entertain even one of this guy's issues, much less like the twenty he has. You need to leave. You have a warped, toxic
, false view of what love and affection is. Everything surrounding this man is a bastardization of it. You will only achieve real happiness by being free of his sick influence. >I thought intense feelings of love are supposed to fade after around 6 months or a year, but it's been around 3 years now and I'm still infatuated. I just don't get it.
It's not love, it's called trauma bonding. Every time the abuse cycle repeats (building tension–blow up–reconciliation/honeymoon period–calm) your ties to him get stronger. Try not to let it go on much longer, because the more it repeats the harder they are to break.
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Also, picrel. Abusive
relationships create a Stockholm syndrome-like scenario. Thank god you don't live with him because that would only make it harder, but this further expresses that the "fight/recover/hope things get better" repetition is only furthering unhealthy, codependent obsession and is not indicative of love. You are mentally compromised right now and you need to drop all contact with him and have checks in place that prevent you from breaking that boundary, because you will want to. Leaving an abusive
relationship is akin to trying to break a drug addiction cold turkey (literally, the brain chemistry is similar) so you need to make sure you don't relapse by contacting him again.
I don't know what to do about my boyfriend anymore. We see each other a lot, but it's mostly just to make/have food or go to the gym together. If we're just hanging out, he's frequently doing student organization shit or trying to respond to an email or something else on his phone so he practically shouts "busy" at me when I try to start a conversation a lot of the time. If someone on the road to my place pisses him off, which seems to happen every day, he'll come through the door angry and rant about it for five minutes. Also almost every day, he complains about having to clean up after his shitty roommates who are genuinely shitty but I'm tired of hearing the same things about them all the time. Outwardly, he's a nice and considerate person, but around me he might as well be fucking Hitler as played by Charlie Chaplin for how many impassioned rants about meaningless bullshit he delivers. I've complained about this tendency to him before, and he got really upset and said he lives a stressful life so it's not really his fault. He does, but he also stresses himself and me out further by pulling this shit. Fortunately none of it is ever directed at me, but it's still enough to make me seriously consider leaving.
Why stay? Your boyfriend is stressing you out. This is who he is. He wont change. Leave or shut up and put up with it.
Would you let your friends stress you out? If not them dont let him stress you out either
>>196640>I've complained about this tendency to him before, and he got really upset and said he lives a stressful life
This is "emotionally bankrupt scrote 101" anon. When a partner approaches you saying something you did hurt them, the normal & healthy response is to shut up, listen, apologize and then come up with a plan regarding how to prevent that behavior from happening again. You do this the first time they bring it up because you care about them and enjoy
learning ways to make them more happy/comfortable. That is, if you actually love them. If you instead bitch about your partner requesting basic human decency and double down on the behavior, then you really don't give a shit about them and just want free reign to use them as a venting board. He's showing you who he is. You going to listen? Is this really the type of partner you want, someone who can't even manage everyday stress? Imagine how he'd be in a real crisis and ask yourself if you want someone who's going to rant and scream and pull his hair out when your parents are dying, when you need to call for help after a car accident, when you need to figure out how to come up with quick cash and so on. He's sure as fuck not gonna be your rock, he's going to be the toddler throwing a tantrum in a corner, and you'll be mummy trying to calm him down. How romantic.
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My boyfriend of 3 months has become reluctant/not as eager to have sex with me because I like foreplay beforehand (hurts otherwise bc I'm not ready physically, but also it's just enjoyable to take it slow). He says he's never been with a girl who couldn't have sex on the spot and that he's not into foreplay, that it's boring, and he's not into it because I'm not really responsive. I try to be responsive but I often have to correct what he's doing with his hands so I start focusing on that and he doesn't want to do oral so we just don't end up having sex for days.
Feels kinda bad because my last relationship was a dead bedroom for like 5 years and now I'm scared I'm in that situation again because he can't get over the fact that some women need to be warmed up a little first. I don't even get how he can feel the way he does when I love teasing him with oral or just touching and kissing him before sex. It makes me feel close to him and I'm happy that he's enjoying himself. So what the fuck? What do?
I'm really sorry to hear that, anon. It's very telling of him as a bf when he isn't willing to go out of his way to make you comfortable in such an intimate setting. It's very selfish of him.
I feel like the longer you stay with him you'll discover how this attitude will spill into other aspects of your relationship and this is absolutely unacceptable. I believe you'll find the one anon! It just isn't him.
I don't say this lightly as some of the other anons on here do, but for the love of God dump him. He does not care about you or your happiness in anyway, he is literally using you for sex and he has shown you forthright that he will not even consider changing to please you. He is a parasite leeching off you because you make his dick feel good. That is all he is.
Like holy shit, rip his self-esteem apart and walk out that door rn anon, he will make you miserable. Out there is a guy who will happily spend all the time with foreplay you want, give you oral, and make you feel like your enjoyment matters too.
LADIES PLEASE STOP ENTERTAINING THESE PIECES OF WALKING SHIT. YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't care about your physical pleasure?>He says he's never been with a girl who couldn't have sex on the spot
He is now, so he's the one who should adjust, not you. Also, it sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you btw. I'd say it's time to say goodbye. You communicated your needs crystal clearly and he's ignoring them
Anonita… this is as good as he gets. This is meant to be the happy time where your hormones are crazy and you can't stop touching each other. He's lazy and this is him on his best behaviour.
If you stay with this selfish idiot, your self-esteem will tank and you will succumb yourself to pleasureless sex that you force yourself to have to get a sliver of intimacy, and it will leave your mental health damaged.
You deserve better than that!
I hate that foreplay is somehow not perceived as sex. It's often for women what PIV is for men. It's so sexist to 'not be into' foreplay.
And I'm 100% sure he's lying about women being ready for sex on spot, even porn has some kind of foreplay in it and our body literally can't be ready on spot without getting turned on for lubrication. So either he had painful and dry sex with his ex-partners (no wonder they are ex now) or he's lying to be lazy. Drop the asshole and shame his bad sexual skills or ugly dick for maximum damage.
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I suuuuck at verbal flirting (it comes off as overly crude or autistic lol), so I use body language instead. Eye contact, touching my lips, touching his hand/shoulder, getting close to him, drawing attention to my chest, etc. I also have a high voice so I slow myself down and really enunciate
my words, which makes me seem a little more breathier or sultry
I feel bad that I am starting to lose attraction for my bf. He's getting really deep in the whole femboy thing. Makeup, skirts, knee socks, etc. It kind of grosses me out even though I don't usually mind when guys I don't interact with do it. I think I'm learning he's not actually my type at all. He's usually sub and I don't mind being dom sometimes, but when he's dom in both bed and in general I genuinely feel much happier. I also find myself getting much more irritated when he talks lately. He doesn't know when to shut up sometimes and it irks me and he's always showing me stupid memes, TikToks, or tweets. It's like he can't even go a moment without being on his phone unless we're playing games or watching a movie. When we eat, when we're just hanging out in the bathroom while I'm getting ready, when we're about to sleep, etc. I'm getting so sick of it. And he's so annoying about me being bi. He makes such a big deal about how he wants to get me a flag for my room even though I always fucking tell him I do not want one because I don't think it's such a big fucking deal. Another thing that really bothers me is his view on troons and he knows my opinion on it and I even show him stuff that basically explain why I feel the way I feel yet he doesn't give a shit at all. There's a MtF streamer (who doesn't even present as female at all) who he watches and whenever he forced me to watch some retarded clip he told me, "You better respect her." When I didn't even say anything at all. It's taken a lot of me not to shit on his doorstep and I know what I have to do I just needed to let it out because I have zero irl and online friends to talk about my retarded rants with so apologies for my post being all over the place.
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It depresses me because he's a genuine qt outside of the stuff that I complained about so to know he's most likely heading down that path makes me want to kms.
This isn't too uncommon when relationships start young and go on to last… there's a youth that some people wonder if they missed out on. From sleeping around to just having the oppurtunity to make all your decisions solo. In a way it's healthy that he wants to live alone rather than jumping into living together and just never experiencing solo renting. I also get your frustration though.
One comforting thought is that at least you didn't marry/have kids or commit to something messy like a mortgage before he hit this realization. That happens alot too and it only adds insult to injury.
Do you feel any desire to be single or to date around? It's shitty that you're expected to wait around tbh. I wouldn't live in limbo like that. It sounds like he's done but selfishly hanging on just in case the grass isn't so green on the other side… that's not fair to you. He's one foot out the door already. I woudln't feel too bad about just taking the reigns and ending it if I were you.
If he's 28 right now, already 8 years into being with you and he's not living with his mom anymore it would appear this is him telling you he's not on the same page as you. As much as you might want to think it's his moms influence..this is a guy with his own place who's approaching 30 and wanting to see if the single life is better than dating you. It's harsh but this guy is done and that's all on him.
I've been blindsided by break ups before, thinking that we're doing great and that we've built something really special. I don't know if it's a male thing but they often do appear to just drop what feels like a functioning relationsnhip in favor of 'exploring their options' I've learnt that the hard way.
I wish I could hug you anon. I know exactly what you're going through, I've been there very recently myself. On one hand I can kind of see his point, if he only now gets to experience what it's like to live his life the way he wants to, of course he enjoys it and subconsciously he might be thinking moving in with you will trap him again. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make him not feel this stupid urge. Nada. It goes way deep into one's self and ego. It's up to him to figure this shit out, and I hope he's rational and smart to do the right thing and to come up with some kind of an answer for you. Because he must realize keeping you in this uncertainty is very damaging to both you and your relationship.
Oh and "it's not you, it's me" fuck that hot shit. Of course it's about you too, you've been together for 8+ years, it's impossible to separate these things. Yes he's 100% the cause of this problem, but now that it's been brought to light it affects both of you and you feel just as shitty and responsible for the possible outcome as he does, even more than he does! You were served the worse end of the stick. He at least has the option to choose, but you can do nothing but passively sit wait and helplessly overthink everything. Fuck I'm mad.
There's only one advice I can give: as much as you feel like it's not a priority right now, focus on yourself. Try do do things that make you happy, try new hobbies, go out, live a fulfilled life. Because if he gets the idea that's he's really hurting you he might find it an easy way out, to break up with you and play it off like he did the right thing to ease his guilt. Talk to him, but carefully so you don't overdo it. It's a painful conversation and having too much of it will have an opposite effect. Try balancing between looking confident and happy without him, but also make him feel the consequences of not having you in his life. Best of luck, and remember that you also have the option to end the relationship if it becomes unbearable. And if you do, the more power to you.
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if your friends have someone they think you’d like and you trust them, it makes sense to give them a chance. as for dating apps, the experience is largely negative but rarely people find a healthy relationship through it. best part of it is being able to practice talking to new people, since you can just stop interacting with someone at any time. other positive is the embarrassing profiles and nonsensical interactions you will get from others. i would always capture the stuff that made me laugh. think of it as sifting through garbage for gold, but occasionally there’s funny stuff in the garbage to take picture of.
Things are going too well… We are entering our second year together and all we want to do is spend every second of the day with each other. It's obviously not all great, or I wouldn't be posting here, but I feel like we've established a precedent now that we can't move beyond.
Each day (so much so now due to work from home options) we cuddle, sleep in, watch the same television shows, go back to cuddling when we start to get bored, sit on top of each other, exercise together, cook lunch together, shame each other for using our phones if we start not to give the other any attention, play Stardew Valley on the switch, cook dinner together, order wine/beer into the house and drink it of a night, shower together (morning and night), have sex (every. single. night.), fall asleep cuddling.
Now this is all great. The reason we do all this is because everything was/is going so well. I have never been as in love as I am with a person/just committed to them in such a certain way/functioning so well in a relationship…. but honestly, it's a lot. It sometimes feels like too much. Occasionally, because of our jobs, we spend nights away from each other…. and I have to pretend that I am just as upset when we do, but actually it is such a fucking relief! that I can browse the websites I want to, play the games I want to, get a moment to myself to read outside, MASTURBATE! (I was single for a long time this is a self-care/regulatory thing for me), just browse shitty social media sites, listen to music with HEADPHONES! jesus I miss headphones.
Basically. We are too in love. I feel like we are forgetting ourselves and the outside world and are way too focused on us as a couple and a relationship. But up until recently, I was a completely willing participant and as much to blame for it getting this way. How do I pull back? How do I establish some space again? Really, more than anything, I can't keep having sex again and again, every single night… I really need space to regenerate how horny I feel when our bodies are constantly on display so candidly and mundanely in the shower, bathroom, getting dressed, and forever naked when we sleep.
Just say it like it is - "hey I need more space and alone time, we've been breathing down each other's neck too much lately". You know, communicate directly what you want. This will start a conversation about your personal space/time boundaries.
If he doesn't seem willing to respect those boundaries, drop him.>We are too in love
That's not love, love doesn't feel suffocating and there can never be too much love. There can however be too much intimacy. Get your precious privacy back. Privacy is necessary for having basic human dignity.
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hi nonitas, I'm this >>194016 anon again. My boyfriend has thankfully not brought the word up again BUT to keep a long story short, he was extremely and oddly condescending last night after I said "ew" in response to something, which i always have and he asked me why I said that (to be fair he had brought it up before a few times too, "why do you always say 'ew'?"), I said because i found it gross and thought he would drop it like the previous times but instead he told me it didn't fit the context, then gave an example of something that would be "ew" and I asked what his problem with the word was and we started having friendly banter, he said that i was using it inappropriately and i told him that was subjective, then he said it's a childish word for childish people and I told him kids aren't the only ones that say ew and didn't know where he was getting that from and then he went to the fridge and got out a juicebox and gave it to me and said it was for me because children drank juiceboxes. At the time i didn't realize he had obviously planned it, i mean, he had to buy the juicboxes, and hide them, because i never saw them, and was waiting for that moment. Instead I thought he was trying to be condescending and drank from the juicebox and taunted him because the "juice tastes better out of a box" and that it was a shame he couldn't enjoy it because he thought it was only for children. He was just kinda laughing and picked me up and said it was "beddy-bye time, missy" and that he was going to read me a "bedtime story" since i wanted to act like a child. I shouldn't have let him do it but I let him carry me to bed. He didn't tell me a story or anything because i changed the conversation and we talked about our day instead. It wasn't sexual, we just fell asleep afterwards and i also looked for signs to see if he was horny but he wasn't, so that put my mind somewhat at ease. I say somewhat because i am angry he infantilized me now thinking back and because i was the one unbelievably horny. I'm very ashamed of my self to say the least, idk how to feel.>>197853
I'm so sorry you had to read that anon! i spoiled since it's kind of ddlg/ageplay-esque gross, i know.
This is really not ok, he's trying to force you into a fetish and
manipulating your behavior/feelings at the same time. Get away from this creep, please.
Uh why are you encouraging this? Don't you see how bad this could get from a beginning like that? The fact he planned out this manipulative act involving anon without her consent
and manipulated her feelings. There is no discussion, he already set the situation in place with what he wants.
He decides what he wants to do to anon and manipulates her into it. If he was the kind of guy to discuss her boundaries and wants he would have done that beforehand, instead of launching into DDLG ageplay behavior without anon's consent.
Samefag, quote from anon>It's like he circumvented the boundary i implied was there when i told him i thought calling a partner daddy was gross.
A man who circumvents boundaries from the get-go is not going to make an agreement with anon about what she wants, and keep to it. It's all about him. It's delusional to suggest they discuss this together and make rules for a fetish anon has already made clear she is uncomfortable being part of.
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you guys, i think i may be the perverted one and was projecting after giving it alot more thought than I should've because he took a juice box to work this morning for himself????? I made his lunch and put it in his bag and he checked to see what and then just went to the fridge got a juice box and threw it in there, so. He might just have been making fun of me, he tends to mock me playingly alot. I was going to bring it up yesterday but couldn't find the right moment to
it might be better i didn't bring it up because then he might have thought i'm weird for thinking he bought the juice boxes to pull that on me, when he clearly did just to take to work(?
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guy i flirted with heavy at a party asked me out but he has a gf(i just found out) what do? dont say block him ive never felt this type of intense attraction and lust towards anyone since my teenage horny years but i have the willpower to not fuck him because i'd have that guilty conscience until i die. I want to ask him in person if he has a gf but what do i even do if he says yes sit down and talk about my feelings? this is such a shitty situation
imagine yourself as the gf and him going behind your back like that
then block him
if he says yes just say "understandable, have a nice day" and then leave.>>197964
it'll be more easy for him to lie over text, if you ask irl and he says no, you can always kind of gauge his face and reaction to see if he might be lying. Also have him explain why someone would say he has a gf, he couldn't possibly come up with something fast, or you can gauge his tone etc
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i'm so confused with whats going on but i have to hear it from him, for context it was my roommates grad party and apparently almost everyone at the party knew about the gf(its long-term) but no one warned me and people who didnt know were egging me on to make a move on him. Plus, couple of weeks before the party my roommate who is his friend was casually like oh i have this friend(him) i'll set you(me) up with him, i forgot about this by the time of the party but i happened to like him and when i realized it was him she was talking about before i thought he must be single if she was thinking of setting me up with him????who sets a taken guy with another girl??? fast forward she's saying he has a gf(she didnt even tell it to me btw roommate told it to another friend and that friend told me and i had to ask the roommate directly to confirm), i feel so stupid i feel like i made a fool out of myself at the party
He got defensive when you said "ew" about his fetish and then sneakily circumvented your obvious implicit boundaries, so it's kind of a moot point whether he bought the juice specifically for this or not. He's behaving very poorly towards you.
One thing I will say is your posts seem to trail off in a "… but maybe I actually like this?" direction, especially your first one, but it also really doesn't seem like you like this at all. It seems more like you're making excuses for him/for yourself not managing to communicate perfectly. I think your best chance at fixing this (other than dumping him for repeatedly disrespecting boundaries) is to have a very clear zero banter
conversation about this with him, explaining what you do or don't like and that you're legit uncomfortable with him doing some of this even if in the moment it seemed harmless, with no room for him to decide you're "just being coy" or whatever. But I should stress that none of this should be your responsibility in the first place, it's an issue of him not being able to recognise boundaries, so please don't shy away from making the conversation a serious one.
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>>197976>obvious implicit boundaries
I never really told him I wouldn't call him it, just told him i found it gross, and after he brought it up again after despite me saying that i finally asked why he wanted me to say it and he said he didn't know so I left it at that, and posted about it. The replies convinced me that this was definitely not something i wanted to call him and i was hoping for the next time he brought it up so i could tell him i wasn't going to call him it and to quit asking so it was clear to him that way he couldn't ever say he interpreted my silence to mean yes or that i'm thinking about it anymore. He didn't bring it up so I didn't get my chance and this happened instead.
>it's kind of a moot point whether he bought the juice specifically for this or not
yeah i know that still doesn't explain the baby-talking, but again, idk if he was just playing and it has nothing to do with the daddy thing. Plus he also just has a very fatherly personality? not just towards me, but towards his mom, his sister, his grandma, his younger cousins, his friends. Like just a few days ago he was helping his friend file job applications, literally an adult man helping another adult man.
>One thing I will say is your posts seem to trail off in a "… but maybe I actually like this?" direction, especially your first one, but it also really doesn't seem like you like this at all
The only thing I don't like at all is that I DO like it. I was unsure before, but I got my confirmation by becoming unmistakably aroused. I can't try to lie to myself or say it was something else that made me feel that way. It usually takes alot for me to get horny, and lengthy foreplay, but it was instant with this. If he had wanted to have sex I probably would have let him. I really don't know how I willed myself to sleep. The only reason I don't think this is ageplay or ddlg though is because I didn't feel myself regress or anything? I think I'm just the weird one with a normie boyfriend, I will just stop it as soon as it starts next time if it does and not engage, I should've slapped the juice box out of his hand.
I think you're making a lot of excuses for him because you love him a lot and you don't want him to be creepy. I had abusive
experiences as a kid with an adult and for awhile I thought I was into weird fetishes like that, but I think you are still traumatized from your past experiences and are attracted to the idea of being taken care of because you didn't have that as a kid. You keep replying like you're afraid you're the one who's a creep and your bf is normal, but he was the one who brought up being called daddy and stuff. It's normal for you to have complicated feelings about fetishes like this but I'm glad you are not indulging them because it is self-destructive. Think about how creepy it is that a man would get off on this weird larp, not about your own feelings about it if that makes sense.
You mention he has a fatherly personality already, but think about it. If he picked up his sister or his younger cousins and did that weird baby-talk, bedtime story thing he did with you, wouldn't you be weirded out? What about if he did it to one of his female friends? Would you be able to excuse it the same way, or is it definitely something intertwined with being romantic/sexual? Even if you guys didn't end up having sex, it still seems really weird to me. I'm glad that you're nipping it in the bud and you understand that you "liking" it is unhealthy, but my advice is to look at your bf's behavior more carefully because he might be subtle about his interest in these kinds of fetishes now that he knows you're against them. It sounds paranoid but I've seen it happen, where a guy eases his gf into things she's not interested in and she gives in because she thinks she likes it due to past abuse. It's a trauma response and moids manipulate that.
>>197987>he was the one who brought up being called daddy and stuff
I feel like the word daddy just has been meme'd into relationships and that may be why he brought it up.>If he picked up his sister or his younger cousins and did that weird baby-talk, bedtime story thing he did with you, wouldn't you be weirded out? What about if he did it to one of his female friends?
Well if he did it with them, it wouldn't be in a romantic/sexual way, so I would think it wasn't romantic/sexual when he did it with me? but he hasn't done anything similar with them…. So i'm tempted to think he did it in a romantic way? maybe>but my advice is to look at your bf's behavior more carefully because he might be subtle about his interest in these kinds of fetishes now that he knows you're against them
This actually is something I was thinking about. I thought the daddy thing was odd but that it was all there was to it. Then this happens and I'm not sure if it's part of the tip of the iceberg/related. I feel if i talk to him about it and say something negative, he'll stop being uninhibited, so that's why i've held off.>>197990
He didn't get off to it at all, he fell asleep before me, and I swear he wasn't even a little bit horny despite having a higher libido than me, he didn't do or say any of the things he does when he is, plus I looked specifically to see if he was.
I feel i'm shitting up the thread now and I've mostly just been venting this whole time so i'll stop now and update later if anything happens or i make a decision. Really sorry about that I just don't have friends to talk to this about to get input from especially no female ones.
>>197989>Imagine being so pathetic you're letting a scrote who will start balding in a few years override your morals.
i needed to hear this, ilysm nonnie
, done and done im ghosting him
It's kind of alarming that you'd be engaged to someone and still keeping it secret. How long were you dating before the engagement?
I wasn't yet diagnosed when I was in my last live-in relationship. I have a lot of sensitivity to noise and that became a huge issue because my partner thought I was being unreasonable when I needed so much quiet time at home. He didn't understand why it was such an issue for me. Post diagnosis we broke up, as in immediately after my diagnosis. We'd lived together for 3 years prior to that. Harsh as this sounds..quirks and mental health issues can be worked on and can improve in the long run but autism is a permanent thing you can't change. That's why it's so important for partners to know this upfront. If he's blaming your eccentricities on other factors he might be signing up thinking you can change.
I think being engaged before living together is premature too tbh, its not ideal for non autistic relationships either but especially with autism/sensory issues to contend with. Sharing a living space can be hard, autism makes it harder. You need to see how that works out for a while first.
For millennia people with what's now called aspergers married and lived normally. Contrary to what other anons are saying, it's perfectly ok to just be considered weird, and not use the newest psych buzzwords to define yourself to your loved one.
Asperger's was coined just a few years ago, what do those anons think people did until then lol. It's silly to put such weight on something people didn't even recognize as a "problem" until like yesterday.
So my boyfriend kind of raised his voice at me today and I don't know how to feel. I had some problem (not related to him) and I wanted some support. He was busy but he called me, but he didn't want to talk about it and we just watched a show. But I kept trying to talk about it because I just really wanted him to be there for me, and he got so annoyed, his voice got really cold and hateful. It was over the phone but he never talked to me this way before. I like BDSM and I like him being aggressive with me in that context, but this wasn't that. He wasn't shouting but I could tell he was extremely irritated. Am I overreacting? I knew he was busy, but he was just at home doing something, nothing that would've prevented him from talking to me a bit aside from him not wanting to. Maybe I should've just appreciated him giving me any attention despite not feeling like it (since he really hates doing that when he wants alone time), but I just feel so weird now. I tried apologizing and explaining why I was upset, but he said he didn't want my apologies or explanations and I should just leave him alone. He said everything was okay but he wants to chill by himself. We had issues of me not giving him enough space in the past and I'm trying to work on that. Just feels like I failed at that again because I wanted more than he was willing to give and I fucked it up again. And I can't even apologize because it just annoys him. I guess I just don't know how to feel because I only had two relationships in the past, and neither of them got irritated like this with me. And he was always so calm except for one occasion, but that was a long time ago.
I mean, regarding BDSM, he always pays attention to me and never does something I don't want. He really makes sure I feel safe. And he is not always this unsupportive, it's just that this time he really didn't want to deal with me, but I still don't feel like I deserved his reactions. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but it surprised me. Until now it was pretty much impossible to upset him with anything.>>198221
Well, he said I already complained too much about him not spending enough time with me and he wanted to work on something (he goes through these periods when he is really focused and doesn't want to be bothered). But tbh I didn't complain all that much lately, even today I wasn't bothering him and yesterday he called me to hang out for hours so I wasn't feeling neglected. I had a fight with my mom, she told me I deserved bad things to happen to me, that my boyfriend doesn't love me, stuff like that. She does this pretty often and it always really upsets me, but my boyfriend is kind of like he can't help me at this point because it happened so often. But I didn't want him to solve things, just wanted a little bit of reassurance. But I think he took it as me using the fight with my mom as an excuse to annoy him to spend time with me. One time my mom went really crazy on me and he protected me so much then. And I guess he tried to set time aside for me even now. But I was upset and wanted a bit more support. It just sucks because I want to talk these things over, but his way of dealing with it is to avoid me and chill by himself. I have a tendency to start apologizing and try to make things right immediately, but he is really not receptive to that.
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So my boyfriend's always criticising stuff I like. For example I really like Mass Effect and he loves shitting on it every single chance he gets. Am I being too sensitive?
Negging, he wants you to get used to degrading yourself so he can get away with more. He's also most likely cheating and is waiting to either trick you into forgiving him or waiting for the opportunity to drop you.
Him not sharing your opinion on a game is fine but when you describe it as him bashing it every chance he can that seems controlling or like hes punishing you for not sharing the exact same tastes as him.
Ideally you should both have a couple of interests in common but then there's usually plenty of room to enjoy things that the other partner just doesn't share your enthusiasm for. Basically you don't try and ruin your partners enjoyment of something harmless unless you're a selfish asshole and you think everything alway has to revolve around you.
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Sorry in advance if this is the wrong thread for this, probably could have posted this in Vent but anons in there sperg about bf talk sometimes.
My bf of a few months used to be really good friends with this girl for a couple years before he met me – he also had intense one-sided feelings for her and after a while they had a falling out and stopped talking. That was about a year and a half ago – about a month ago, she texted him trying to reconnect and he left her on read, then a few weeks later he unfollowed her on social media and removed her as a follower wherever possible when she started liking his posts again. I'm not worried about my bf giving this girl any more time, he's been honest with me about his past with her and how it's unfair and disrespectful to both himself and me to hold on to a person that didn't really give a shit about him – my concern started when I found out that after he unfollowed her on twitter she started subtweeting about him (things like "guess it's not worth being the bigger person," etc.). She also coincidentally sent that first text soon after the first time my bf posted a pic of me on his social media. Idk why this makes me so anxious, imo my bf is doing everything right by ignoring her and prioritizing me, and her being petty on twitter should only reinforce that she was a bad friend and not worth his time – I think I'm concerned she will only get more annoying as time goes on and he continues to ignore her? I'm hoping she's just slighted over their friendship ending but I'm worried she just wants him back in her orbit. She's the kboo twitterfag "she/they" type, who are historically crazy, so that doesn't help. I think part of me also feels bad for her, even though she has a TON of friends and shouldn't feel bad about losing my bf as a "friend", if that's what she actually saw him as. This is so stupid. How do I stop giving a shit about this?
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I wonder the same thing. All I see on tinder are tatted fuckboys, a few rare normie guys who think they deserve 9/10s, and Womack types. And they're all "open to casual" (vom)
I'm no catch myself, and I can't socialize, but tinder makes me even more depressed. Also, didn't dating apps show how all men regardless of age went for 20 y olds?
What even is the point if you're a below average adult woman with autism? You'll get pumped and dumped instantly.
It's a horrible environment anon, please wriggle out gracefully. There's no good ending here.
This girl sounds very exciting, if you really like her, resist doing what she appears to want. Sounds like she's testing you. I think what she really wants is somebody stable who truly only wants her. If she's a bippie, she might even change her behaviour to be more like you and come out of that scene. More likely, she'll have a horrible rage and flip on you, but that was going to happen regardless.
Please take care of yourself nonnie
i didn't consider that it could be a test, hm. She's exciting but I feel like that's a result of her making a lot of bad decisions. despite that, she's in uni & i languish in a neet hovel, so maybe im doing something wrong idk. i'm pointedly refusing to do many drugs, though, because she informed me she had a pill addiction when she was 15 & i don't want her to end up doing more because of me.
i'm going to tread lightly regardless and i'm trying to be smart about things. thank you for your concern, nonna
This is the "bad company" parents warn you about. >We met at a part a month ago […] but she's already asked me to move in with her.
Don't worry about your age, from my experience (late 20s) even much younger guys go for any age as long as you have good pics.
The problem is the guys you find on there, I feel they're much worse than men you randomly meet irl.
Trying to find dates on tinder feels like getting your food from dumpster-diving.
I've had a core group of online friends (met through a messageboard) for over 15 years. One of the guys reached out a while ago to say he always found me cute etc etc., and wanted to know if we could ever be a thing. He lives in US and me UK. It was nice initially to have this guy want to be with me more than any woman in his country lol, but like, realistically, moving to America is hard to do, and he didn't want to move to UK. After about 2 weeks of this fantasy talk I just put us back on a friend only type relationship. He now has a gf lol.
I honestly don't know how people can e-date for weeks or months. Like the conversation just kept changing to, "so when are we going to meet?" like how do you placate the desire to be physical with someone in a different country?
My brother on the other hand had an American gf. He spent 3 months in US, and she would visit him. She ended up getting detained because she over stayed her visa and we all had to help fund her to get her back home.
I think when you consider those types of relationships you have to also be considering uprooting your life to move country and would need to actually research that.
I've never had the experience of a 'no sex tonight' text in advance from a guy, ever. That stands out as pretty odd. Later down the line when you're living together I've heard of (and experienced) warning your partner right before bedtime that you're 'extra tired' and want to just sleep. That's a really short warning though right before slipping into bed. Not an announcement before you've even arrived.
I can see why you're questioning this. Ngl my mind would wander and start to think he's up to something if he's that confident in announcing sex is off the cards for the day. Or I'd wonder if he maybe highly favors porn and saves himself for a fap session over the option of actual sex. >the way he describes it is like he’s already horny when he wakes up and waits to be with me
Now I really think he's getting his release through porn and that text is him essentially telling you he already got his rocks off for the day. Which is shitty if that's what it is.
Do you not want a TV at all or do you not want to buy an expensive TV?
Buy a cheap secondhand TV
Put the TV to the side or even another room if you have one
Get a projector instead of a TV because you can put it away in a cupboard
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What do you do if the man you love is sort of a manchild? He's passionate, cutesy and everything I could ask for in a man. There's one issue with him and it's really starting to turn me off from him: he gets angry at the slightest things very easily and it can ruin his entire mood. Recently, he gets really angry at games and it's embarrassing to hear it. He throws a little tantrum at times and I absolutely hate it. It's the polar opposite from how he normally is and I'm starting to dislike him because of it. Don't get me wrong, everyone has their faults but at this point I tell him to stop playing games because it's just embarrassing to hear this cool man act kind of like a baby. I really like him and I know it can be a red flag but it's genuinely just his main flaw. Can I do anything about this? Is it normal? Please don't just say to drop him and find someone else because he's incredibly good besides this.
My mom was similar but less abusive
(told me all men were worthless and abusive
cheating assholes since I was 12) and now I’m a (mostly) KHV and a wizard to boot.
Now to be honest a good 80 percent are but there are really good ones. Just don’t wait, see if you can enroll in therapy or anything (don’t jump into a relationship, just explore a few innocent dates or flirting) because it’s a lot easier to find that decent guy when you’re younger and less jaded.
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I'd bring it up in a gentle way if I were you anon, but if he doesn't want to change then that's on him.
Think of this as a test of how good you think he is and how good he really is. If he takes into consideration that his rages hurt you and make you feel uncomfortable (or even unsafe), then he really is good and a fitting partner for you. If he wants to work on this bad trait because he wants to be better, for you as well as for himself, then great!
But if not, then… Anon, how good is he really?
Your post worries me because rages like that are always showing something lurking underneath. Be careful and prioritize yourself over anything else.
My boyfriend is the same with fighting games. I fucking hated listening to him get mad at them, he sounds so dumbs and slams the glass desk his computer is on.
I had to talk to him repeatedly about it for him to start to be more aware of it. Frankly I don't think he's fixed, it just hasn't been happening because he has been playing other games and having less time to play Vidya lol.
But yeah tell him about it, bring it up every time it happens, and maybe steer him towards less angering games/hobbies. If he cares about you he'll make an effort.
Posted the same text in the vent thread, just wanted some more opinions on this since I don't really know what to do about it.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months and not even once in that period of time has he complimented me on my physical looks. He has not even once told me that I look good or pretty or beautiful at any occasion. It sound really embarassing typing that out but I just want to feel pretty once in my life. My parents were abusive , humiliated me, always put me down, called me names and fatshamed me even though I was BMI 19 and made me develop an ED. I am and will never me enough for anybody despite my best efforts. No matter how much I starve or exercise or how much makeup and effort I put into looking good nobody will ever acknowlegde that. I asked him today if he found me pretty to which he replied with ''Yeah, of course you are!!'' and started trying to list features and things he likes about me and began with my hair only to have an awkward fucking 10 second pause trying to list more features of me that he likes while I was laying in his fucking arms. After the 10 fucking second break he awkwardly continued with the moles on my body and one other thing that I don't remember but I think I have never in my life felt so defeated, disappointed and embarassed upon hearing something like that.
When I later on asked my boyfriend on facetime if he finds me pretty he replied with the typical answer being ''Yeah, of course you are!!'' but upon asking why he never says it out outloud he confused me because he ''couldnt explain it''. For him complimenting someone sounds ungenuine, makes him uncomfortable, doesnt feel right to say and sounds weird in ''in his head'', in addition to that he is confused about when and how to say it because ''its just for the moment'' (???).
Why and how does it even make you uncomfortable and makes you feel weird to compliment me (especially on a special occasion like a date) when you keep asking me to suck your dick or do other things with you? He basically confirmed with his statement that he finds me ugly as fuck. I constantly compliment him in regards of his looks and personality, saying how handsome, pretty, adorable, caring and loving he is while he can't even do the same for me? I truly think that he is lying to me and just thinks that I am ugly but doesnt want to admit it because everytime we kiss he constantly closes his eyes, doesnt bother to question why its uncomfortable for me to let him see me without makeup and my glasses , doesnt really try to say something against me having plastic surgery and everytime I bring up an insecurity he just says that its unnecessary and this part of me looks ''normal''. We have a great relationship but this whole lookwise thing makes me feel so fucking unwanted and ugly it actually makes me want to kill myself so bad. Am I really that fucking hideous and ugly? Can I feel pretty and enough for once?
Anon, when you meet someone that you really click with, you'll instinctively want to "break your solitary habits" or give up some of your time to them, and you won't resent them for it. It will happen naturally. Relationships don't have to be so all or nothing. You don't have to spend an entire weekend with anyone. Maybe you'll meet someone who also has a lot of hobbies or likes their space!
If you end up with a mature, adjusted, and open person, you'll be able to talk with them (if it's even needed) about retaining a healthy balance of you time/stuff vs couple time. Partners can and do recognize and respect another's need for alone time or distance.
With love from your 40 yo Auntie Nonna.
not worth it. I dated someone like that (well, he said a few nice things in the beginning, but just stopped a few months in) and it'll never stop feeling like shit. Now, my bf of a year won't shut up about how pretty he finds me, and it has honestly helped so much with my confidence. I get how delusional I was previously with my self loathing and nitpicking, I look perfectly fine and loveable.
inb4 "have you tried to communicate with him?? maybe you should tell him it's important that he compliments you???" lol, contrary to popular reddit opinion, genuine compliments should not and cannot be asked for. If he is never moved to say something sweet upon seeing your face, he just doesn't feel that way about you.
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ok so i have a guy friend,
i like this guy friend (romantically),
i end friendship for both our sakes but mostly my own good,
he's sad because i'm his "best friend" (his words),
now I'm feeling bad and like i'm not valuing his feelings towards me, which are genuine, just because those feelings are NOT the way i want them to be(romantic),
i feel like maybe i'm being mean,
but at the same time i don't think i can keep being friends with him and manage to let go of my (romantic) feelings for him,
if anything my feelings would keep intensifying.
How could i keep being friends with him and stop from deluding myself into thinking he will one day like me at the same time? Would I have to go out on dates with other guys?
I think this is the way it has to be, you're doing this for your own emotional and mental health. You don't actually have to consider his feelings about this, I'm sure he's sad about it, but the situation is that your friendship is incompatible and he has to deal with it. Is he making you feel guilty about selling boundaries or is that coming from an internal source?
>How could i keep being friends with him and stop from deluding myself into thinking he will one day like me at the same time?
If he liked you back he would have done something about it by now, I'm sorry to say.
Would I have to go out on dates with other guys?
It might help, but he might get jealous. Not because he suddenly likes you, but because he's not getting as much attention from you.
>>200123>Is he making you feel guilty about selling boundaries or is that coming from an internal source?
both, he hasn't said anything to make me feel guilty, said he respects my decision, but his tone was at the very least disappointed. I've been overthinking it and remembered when i had a guy friend stop being friends with me after i rejected him, i thought he never really valued me as a person and had an end-goal in mind the whole time (get a gf) so this may very well be how i'm making him feel now too. It isn't true because I do value him as a person and didn't become friends to get in a romantic relationship with him.
also during the whole friendship he would lightly flirt or maybe i misinterpreted, but you're right, he would have asked me out if he liked me.
I should also add that i impulsively texted him about an hour ago and suggested something silly and stupid, basically that he should help me not like him anymore if he wanted (?????) then turned off my phone quickly. He probably thinks there's something really wrong with me now
He sounds abusive
. Leave him before he gets worse and find someone who actually appreciates you.
My bf of 2 yrs has a demanding job and likes to be active in his downtime. He works from home and has a pretty flexible schedule, so we can do everything on a regular day and he can still get shit done. I'm currently working on my bachelor's degree (due in september) and need to earn some money since covid-assistance has now come to an end. The strongest months in my field are summer/early fall. I always told him, this summer will be busier than last summer and I have no idea how much "vacation" I will be able/willing to get in. To be honest, I have no interest in going away at the moment, I'm just not in the vacation state of mind, I told him all that, but he just does not want to accept it. I also told him that I don't want to sleep in our modded car, which is the only vacation mode that is acceptable for him, but he also doesn't want to hear this. I told him to do something alone or with other people, but he says he doesn't want to be alone and he doesn't want others because of covid… I could say, ok, let's go away for a couple of days, but it's never enough for him. He keeps talking of 2 weeks minimum and whatever we can get, he'd love to have 5+ weeks… nonnies what should I do, this is driving me nuts. I understand that he is overworked and wants to have vacation, but holy shit your fucking life won't stop if you have one quiet summer…
I can't offer much advice but he sounds exhausting as fuck. I know few people like this, they're great adventurous friends but in every case I know they make their more quiet/busy partners miserable.
Don't do things that endanger your education, it comes first.
If he can't deal with it and throws huge tantrums/threatens breakup if you don't do as he wants, I'd reevaluate the relationship. If it isn't that serious, just be firm and stand your ground.
You don't want to go at all
He wants to go for 2+ weeks minimum
Make it a 5 or 7 day compromise and make it clear that you both, not just him, are compromising on this and that he can have that or nothing at all.
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I'm in a similar situation - I asked to take a week long break with my boyfriend after having a particularly bad mood swing where I honestly told him that I don't feel compatible with him.
He has done nothing wrong - he is a sweet, kind, talented and hard working individual who has a loving family and an incredibly secure life ahead of him - which my life insecurity is quelled - but I am embarrassed by him, our personalities seem to clash more, and our political views are all over the map. He's literally treated me like a princess - the relationship is everything I've wanted - except I just find so many unattractive parts about his personality, like particular feminine traits that turn me off immensely.
Ive never had such a stable, equal, relationship before and here I am getting second thoughts.
I feel like a horrible person for wanting to get my thoughts straight but I just don't know what to do - I couldnt lie to him and say I wasnt having these thoughts.
I really want to make it work and my family really wants me to make it work, I just don't know what to do.
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for the love of god please get this in order before getting in a relationship, and even after that, take things slow with anyone who is looking for a serious partner and might get attached to you. My ex suffered from this alongside general OCD symptoms and it was four years of pure hell for both of us. My head is still fucked and I'm not sure I'll ever feel completely normal in relationships again. The constant doubts about me and whether he should break up with me, mixed with lovey behavior and commitments when he sometimes got a grip of reality and his normal feelings, have made it extremely hard for me to trust anything that my current partner says even though he is completely consistent about our future and his feelings. I'm an anxious and insecure wreck and constantly fear that people are quietly going through every single flaw that I have and criticizing me in their head, like my ex used to do and then confess to me while crying.
Anyway, I don't usually recommend casual dating but maybe confronting your illness in an explicitly lower-stakes setting would help you learn how to deal with the feelings? There's a subreddit on rocd and they emphasize not seeking reassurance iirc (like confessing to your partner, or googling more to figure out if your doubts are real or rocd). I guess also check out resources on avoidant attachment if it applies, those seem to sometimes go hand in hand.
thank u nonny
, i'll try n gain more self confidence n eventually stop pandering/engaging w them, it's just hard to get away. i do have lots of insecurities esp with appearance but i never made the connection between the two issues. tysm
I’m sorry you went through that and still suffer from it today. I’m already in a relationship. Fortunately (?) I’ve kept my intrusive thoughts to myself so I hopefully haven’t harmed or dismayed my boyfriend at all. I’m in just the beginning phases of exploring how to work past these issues.
In a way, it’s a huge relief and feels a bit healing just to understand what this is. Prior, I wondered if I were borderline sociopathic or just broken and incapable of love or shallow, etc… I’m already finding a lot of clarity and feel more hopeful for the future.
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I live with my boyfriend and I am happily pregnant. Anyways, I have nothing to do and he works from home. He is a programmer and often tells me he is struggling with other langs because he has only ever really had to do Java for his job. I feel a little worried for him because he's stressed and most of his stress is from work. I already do the basic things like cook, clean (we share this role), and support him emotionally. I want to do more for him because I love him, but i'm not sure what to do. So my question is, how can I help him? *Reposted because I messed something up.
Only other thing to do is get a work from home job if you can manage. As long as you emotionally support him, he should be okay though.
Maybe leave him nice notes on his desk that he can look at when he's stressed, give him a massage randomly, stuff like that.
The last person I dated had a history of cheating. He told me about it pretty early on but looking back he was also childish about it as he told me. He kinda blamed her for his cheating??… said the relationship was dead so it wasnt that bad lol. I knew it was wrong and BS but I gave him a chance seeing as a decade had passed since. I got burned in the end (no surprise) he cheated again, was very good at keeping secrets. I wouldn't touch a cheater again at this point because I'm over 30 and potentially wasting another 3 or 4 years with someone like that is too much risk for me. I gave it a go that time and what happened..happened.
I think it's best to be honest and at least give the person that knowledge and the ability to decide for herself whether it's a make or break thing. That pattern of cheating does follow some people around for years but all you can do is be mature and honest about it and like you said to reflect. Keeping this a secret would only show a lack of change. Don't fall into a habit of keeping secrets again because that's a slipery slope that will land you back where you were before.
My bf of 2 years went straight from a terrible breakup to moving in with me (I know, stupid) and it never sat right with me. I feel like I’m the crutch, the constant number two and a patch so that he doesn’t have to be alone.
I told him more than once that we’d better just be friends and not lovers. He always shrugs it off and assured me that he likes me and finds me special. But honestly I don’t believe it, because of stuff he told me in the past. For example, he told my how beautiful and perfect his (cheating) ex was, how he wished they had children, how he thought they would never ever split up, he commented negatively on my clothes, body and appearance. When I told him that I feel unwanted because of these things, he says that he developed over our two years and that his feelings grew and that he really likes and wants me. But to be honest, I think it is just comfortable and familiar now and I don't really believe him.
I always said that I like living alone but he basically moved in with me from the start of the relationship. He keeps saying that he’s afraid to be alone and doesn’t want to be alone. I think that I will always have this in the back of my head. Nonnies, what do you make of this?
>>200848>I told him more than once that we’d better just be friends and not lovers
Anon you do realize that if you decide you're better off friends that means you're no longer in a relationship regardless what he thinks or what is comfortable for him? You don't need his agreement to break up with him.
>Nonnies, what do you make of this?
You're being used for shelter and emotional support.
>>200858>You're being used for shelter and emotional support.
Damn thank you for confirming my underlying feelings, I knew it but I kind of always brushed it off because of rEaSoNs.
>You don't need his agreement to break up with him.
I know, I guess I'm just reluctant because overall we are pretty good friends and I hate the idea that he has to move back in with his mom. But that shouldn't bother me. We're both in our 30s so wtf he should just get his own place anyways. I always told him that I like living alone and I don't want us to move in together. My apartment is also not suitable for two people working from home. He moved in anyways. At first it was his breakup, then he gave up his shared flat and because of covid I said it was ok that we stayed at my place 99% of the time and it wouldn't be a problem if it took him some time to find a place. Whenever I mention him getting his own place he tells me how stupid this would be, "we" would spend so much money, he can't afford it (lol he's fucking wealthy and earns 5x as much as I do??) and in the end we'd only be hanging out in one place anyways, so it would be a waste. I tell him that basic living expenses are what they are and he also doesn't stop eating because "it's a waste". Long story short, his "I don't want to be alone" apparently trumps my "I need to be alone".
Thank you anons for your kind and honest words, I guess I'll just have to do what I keep avoiding for quite some time now and focus on myself again. It's so draining to constantly think about a relationship, that alone should show that something's just not right.
If he'll refuse to talk to you for days just for pointing out a mistake then he probably has some sort of mental issue, because that is not normal behavior for a grown man.
Does he seem weird/immature even when you don't point out mistakes? Does he do or say anything genuinely threatening or does he just act like a spoiled child?
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My husband and I both work full time. I do all of the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, home improvement projects, and the vast majority of the cleaning. I asked him to take out the garbage two days ago since it was full and beginning to stink up the kitchen. He has yet to do so and is currently passed out on the couch after staying up until 6 AM playing video games, yet again. I can't even go in the kitchen because it smells like rot and there are used napkins, plastic forks and paper plates strewn all over the counter that were left there by him since nothing else can fit into the trash. I've reminded him, begged, nagged, yelled, but he still won't complete this five minute task that should've been done two days ago- the only chore I expect him to do regularly
Why did I marry someone with such profound contempt for me
I've started to plan my exit. It just hurts to see him treat me like this, since he used to be so kind and affectionate. Did his chores, didn't spend too much time on frivolities, was respectful towards me, got me presents. He didn't even get me anything for my birthday or Christmas this year aside from ordering some takeout for us and promising to go to a museum with me(hasn't happened).
I know men do this, but I can't help but feel like I did something wrong
You didn't do anything wrong nonnie
, people grow and change in different ways and unfortunately he was growing and changing in this way.
It's time for some ultimatums, even though I hate them, shape up, or get out.
Sorry to say, but those things you listed are the bare minimum.>>201037
I wouldn't suggest ultimatums. Even if he does shape up, it's coming from the wrong place. He would only do it because he risks the chance of losing his mommy bangmaid servant, not because he actually loves her and wants to make her life easier.
BF and me have been together for about two years. About a year into our relationship I once did something what we both consider a pretty big dealbreaker nowadays, but at that point in time we haven't even really talked about them. Back then I didn't think I really did something wrong, since it's something I've never seen other couples mind and forgot about it. After we started talking about what we consider okay to do, and what not, I realized what I did was completely shitty of me, and confessed pretty much immediately and apologized to him. The atmosphere between us has been weird for two or three days or so, but afterwards he said he can't really fault me for it, since it is something people usually don't think much of, so it's okay, especially since I seem really remorseful and have only done it once, and he trusts me in that aspect. Sounds nice enough, right? Now the thing is, if I were in his place, it's something I'd probably break up over. He knows this and told me we should count ourselves lucky that he's not me then. Also, that he'd probably think the same if it happened a week ago, but not when it's a year, and that our situations are completely different, so it'd be worse if he did it, anyway. This was a week or two ago, and his behaviour is back to how it used to be while I'm the only one still making everything weird. I generally feel like he's way too forgiving towards me. Things where he is pissed at or goes a bit on distance with other people for I get absolved from with a literal flick against the forehead. I'm starting to worry he's just saying it's fine while he's bottling it up inside. Admittedly, he doesn't seem like it, and I usually notice pretty fast when something bothers him, but still… I honestly don't even know what kind of advice I'm asking here for. How do I lessen the guilt? Or how do I forget about this and go back to how we were, since he says I shouldn't mind anymore? Maybe I just wanted to get this out? I have no ideaaaaaaa
Sorry for taking forever to respond. Basically, if he was ever found to be wrong, we didn't even have to say anything about it: He'd automatically put this angry face and avoid talking to anyone; if any of us did, he'd respond with either sarcastic remarks, or grunts. If any of us actually try to argue he'd get all defensive.>>201023
Oh don't worry, I will try to move hell and earth to not get grouped with him next year, I was more asking on how to deal with people "like" him, since I know there must be many others around and I just lack a way of dealing with the while "oh no I pissed someone off what did I do" attittude, which is only making me act like a doormat and feel guilty fo what I know is not my fault.
Get out now. You don't want to become another transwidow in r/mypartneristrans talking about your abusive
tranny husband. Even if he chooses to keep his dick it will eventually break due to hormones so he'll start going on and off on them causing severe mood fluctuations and other health issues and you don't want to be there by then.
L E A V E
For gods sake its not even something to 'think about'. The key points in a healthy relationship is compromises for the sake of growth. An egotistical compromise like that is clearly a sign that he spends more time with himself and thinking about himself than he does of you. Find a normal man, for the sake of your mental health and future.
The worst part about this is he even says he doesn’t feel dysphoria, but all the sjws on Twitter insist he doesn’t need to feel dysphoria to be trans and that he is “valid
” if he wants to keep his dick.
Am I being an asshole if I say it just seems like he has some weird ass fetish?
Like, he has said he always prefers lesbian porn and therefore he wants to be a lesbian.
Lesbian porn doesnt involve a dick and girls with man faces dude.
I genuinely don’t understand where this mental break came from, he has been super depressed lately but now that he’s decided he’s trans he’s on top of the moon because he gets all this positive attention from other trannies on Twitter.
I don’t even have anyone to talk to about this because I am the only person he’s told so far and it’s been eating away at me for a week now. We don’t live together, thank god, but I also don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to be alone due to recent tragedies in my family. My friends are all super busy with their own life since they all work in the medical field and Covid is rampant still.
I’m just at a loss.
Whatever you do, do NOT tie the knot or sign a lease with him etc. Don't trap yourself with this man unless you're a 10000% sure he realized how retarded he is and no longer wants to be a tranny.
You're 100% right it sounds, and probably is, a fetish. If he's been depressed like you said and/or has been struggling with (mental health) issues, it's likely he's looking at this as something new and exciting to bring into his life or he may even think it may simply be easier to go through life (presenting) as a woman as some men believe it is. He falsely believes or hopes this will transform his life, pulling him out of his misery which it will not. Even if you thing transgenderism is valid
, this is clearly NOT a case of it. If possible, demand he see a mental health professional (one that doesn't support transgenderism but would rather have him tackle the underlying issues and depression) and above all, do not support his decision to become a tranny. It may seem cruel to not support your partner but him transitioning is the worst outcome for both of you. Remember he doesn't even experience gender dysphoria, don't allow him to use transgermism and transitioning as a false cure for his depression and problems in life.
This advice however only counts if you decide you want to stay, which like other anons said is not the wise decision. Protect yourself.
>>201543>Am I being an asshole if I say it just seems like he has some weird ass fetish?
It does not make you an asshole but is unwise. I don't know how much power "TERF
" accusations have where you are or in your circles but best idea is to focus on getting out and disengaging from him as smoothly as possible.
>We don’t live together, thank god, but I also don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to be alone due to recent tragedies in my family
I'm so sorry, anon. But sticking around when he's probably in a volatile state is even more emotionally precarious for you.
>I genuinely don’t understand where this mental break came from, he has been super depressed lately but now that he’s decided he’s trans he’s on top of the moon because he gets all this positive attention from other trannies on Twitter.
Well that's it, isn't it? Plenty of detrans people talk about being severely depressed and transition gave them goals and a "community" that will support them (and ultimately preys on their misery). There aren't as many male detransitioners out there sharing their stories, and the divide between gay men and straight/bi men in their experiences seems significant. I've seen a few male detrans gay guys online like @detransgayguy on twitter (he was on 60 minutes). I think upperhandMars, Benjamin Boyce, and Erin Brewer (on both youtube and twitter) have all interviewed one or two detrans men.
You will feel more liberated leaving him now, than spending your time and efforts talking about it to friends and constantly cycling around limbo. This isn't about you two anymore, it's his mental issues versus your life.
He will just be a distasteful dinner story one day, and you will be able to find yourself a man who can give you what you need, protect you and build a home with you. The loneliness aspect of this whole story is the least of your concerns right now. Stay strong anon.
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Is there a way I can make a guy break up with and we can remain friends? How would I go about this? I got into a relationship with him but I prefer our friendship and I realized I don't want something like this too late. How do I go about making him break up with me or what can I do to break it off nicely?
>>202047>Is there anything specific I can say that might make him more understanding?
Nope. This always crops in unhealthy relationships and the answer is always no. If your partner doesn't listen and care about your concerns about their upsetting behavior the first, second, fiftieth time you bring it up, then there are no magic words that will suddenly make them see the light. They simply don't care about the harm it's doing you over their own projections, lack of self esteem and selfishness. In that instance they don't want love, they want control. You either settle and become their slave (bad choice) or break up. The only other thing you can do is sit him down and explicitly state that this is harming you to the point you will
break things off unless he improves as a final warning/wake-up call, but it's completely on him to fix his issues and set better boundaries. Good relationships don't exist without trust and he doesn't feel any towards you. It's just going to keep wearing you down over time.
I've gotten into a weird situation: I have a bf (we've been steady for 6 or so months), we haven't had any big incidents. The other day we went for a walk on the park and get some air and stuff, when we see one of his old highschool friends. we three sat down ona bench while they talked, and the friend kept talking about how much of a nerd he was during highschool, and how he never got laid and tehn boasting about himself, it was kind of weird, but my bf would just nod or say nothing even though this dude was basically trashtalking him to our face. Eventually I made an excuse for both of us and left. My bf didn't want to do anything else, and was (I wanna say understandably) embarassed, so he went home, and so did I. Thing is, from that point onwards, he doesn't want to go outside with me, and when i do manage to convince him he is a LOT less talkative. I think we need to have a conversation about this, because he's acting like a child, and needs to man up, but I don't know how to deliver it to him. or maybe this is some kind of red flag that I don't know about. I am not willing to hide myself at home because of his hurt ego or whatever this "episode" is. Do you have any advice?
this is so self absorbed wtf
I've gotten into a weird situation: I have a bf (we've been steady for 6 or so months), we haven't had any big incidents. The other day we went for a walk on the park and get some air and stuff, when he tripped and fell and broke his leg. I sat down on a bench while he lay there moaning. It was kind of weird, but my bf would just nod or say nothing even though I was basically talking to his face. Eventually I made an excuse to get up and left. My bf didn't want to do anything else, and was (I wanna say understandably) embarassed, so I went home, and he went to the hospital. Thing is, from that point onwards, he doesn't want to go outside with me, and when i do manage to convince him he is a LOT less talkative. I think we need to have a conversation about this, because he's acting like a child, and needs to man up, but I don't know how to deliver it to him. or maybe this is some kind of red flag that I don't know about. I am not willing to hide myself at home because of his hurt leg or whatever this "episode" is. Do you have any advice?
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I already know I'm going to get so much shit for this, but so be it.
I've been in a relationship for 8 years with somebody I've never met. He(?) won't send photos, share his voice, or meet up. I don't know his job or where he lives, or even his real name. I've sent him nudes and videos. He sends me presents, not insignificant ones, like a ROG laptop because mine broke, and a limited edition Nintendo Switch and some games when I got out of hospital.
He's spent a lot of time learning how to support me as a partner of someone with mental illness and has been researching therapies for me. He took time off work when I went into hospital for a month just so he could talk to me while I was in there. He used to be really mean sometimes, but he's mellowed out a lot. He's always said I'm the only person he has in the world and he only has eyes for me. He gets angry when I speculate too much on his identity or ask why he won't meet me, and he won't answer questions.
My big question is, why would he keep this up for so long and genuinely invest so much love and time and money into me without wanting to meet me?
I don't mind if he's really a woman, or even a friend of mine, I told him I'd still love him. I've been with more women than men anyway. I don't mind what he looks like. I really hope he's not been married or had a girlfriend the whole time, but somehow I don't think he is with the amount of time we spend chatting or gaming together. I just want to know why, but he won't even tell me that much. When I mention that I want IRL sex and cuddles and kisses, he gets offended and says that I want those things as I remember it with exes, not him specifically. But I know that he has desires too, he tells me about them sometimes though they're never PIV which makes me think it's a woman.
This would be a nice romance story.
That doesn't help, sorry. I hope this person reveals themself to you eventually. If they have so much time perhaps they have some sort of disability or illness that they feel would hold them back from being a good partner irl?
Kinda crazy, if it was a Catfish episode I'd be on the edge of my seat waiting for a reveal who that person is. I hope you'll know someday. Don't know how much you'd be willing to push for that person to reveal themselves - it's honestly your choice to continue living like this, seems like you're actually relatively cozy even; but it sounds like unless it's "tell me the truth or I block you forever" scenario he will not reveal anything. You can try having very honest conversation, make sure he (she?) knows that you don't care about gender or race or status, or even if its somebody you already know, but really want to know the truth and who is on the other side, and who knows, maybe it will have him open up, even if not immediately.
I'm a bit concerned about what you've said about him being very mean sometimes in the past or getting angry about identity questions. Just in case if you ever decide to seriously pursue getting to know the truth, make sure you're ready to block him for good if things don't go the nice way.
>>202261>why would he invest so much love and time and money into me
this is not love anon, money because it doesn't matter to him and time because he's sad and bored.
anon pls, I have a fat, ugly, unemployed but inheritance rich cousin who could easily be such a mystery "lover", pls have some self love and end this shit show, the "time off work" and laptop money is peanuts compared to your investment. It's also not fair from him/her to never talk to you or even show face, like wtf why would you even do this. As other anon said, you're just some online escort and that is not a relationship
I'm sure you must have some kind of examples of good long term relationships among your friends and family?
Overall it's normal to worry sometimes, especially since it's such an on and off situation (I hope you mean on and off distance wise, not that you're breaking up and getting together again?), I think what's best is to just open up to your boyfriend and have a honest conversation, make sure you both are there to reassure each other when things get more stressful. I have a very good friend who is dating a sailor, due to work he's away for many weeks, multiple times in a year, and they're the sweetest couple, supporting and being there for each other regardless if they're in the same flat or hundreds of kilometers away. Everything is doable with some effort when you find a good person that wants the same thing.
Kick him in the balls with your knee, then your other knee. Like the other anon said, this is physical abuse. Please break up with him. He's dangerous, hitting you then saying what he's doing isn't painful or abusive
. Are you able to stay at a safe place, like at a friend's or family's, in case he doesn't take it well?
Don't consider it. Do it. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like or respect you. But don't tell him you're leaving, just have a plan and go. Do you have friends or family that will let you stay with them? If so, start dropping things off with them so he doesn't go on a rampage and destroy your shit. If not, look up women's shelters in your country (if they have them) or save up for a hotel until you can live somewhere else.
Just don't let him catch on to you doing this, he'll only hurt you worse. Abuse is always a good reason to leave someone. It will never get better. He will never respect your boundaries or your body, mind, soul, spirit or heart. You're pussy and a punching bag to him.
How long ago did this happen? Like 2 days or two months? If it was recent give the guy some time to recover his wounded pride. I'm sure being trash talked by some highschool bully in front of his new girlfriend stung, and now he's paranoid it's gonna happen again.
If it's been over a month however, it's time for a talk.
Thank you so much anons, I think I didn't explain myself correctly at all, sorry. I'm not in danger.
I'll explain the situation better. You know how male teenagers have these dumb ass "games" in which they "playfully" hit each other? Like a wedgie kind of thing but instead of the wedgie it's a surprise hit or slap. They're harmless to your health but they hurt. I grew up with an annoying ass brother so I'm used to this shit, except my brother doesn't hit nearly as hard as my bf. And we are both pushing 30 btw.
On top of that my bf specially likes to slap my ass really hard, and I hate it, shit feels like a sudden electric shock of pain that ruins my mood instantly, plus the burning pain that lingers for a while. He says that he's not using full force and that I'm being dramatic. But if I say it hurts he shouldn't question it, if I say I hate it he should stop. I'm not in danger but I feel like he has gotten too comfortable with me and wants to treat me like he pleases.
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You're coping and making excuses for an abuser. At 30, too. Wake the fuck up for your own safety. You can look across countless Reddit threads for women who had boyfriends who "playfully" shoved, slapped, pinched, even choked them, but they "just didn't understand their own strength teehee." No. You sound as retarded as picrel. They know exactly what they're doing and continue to do it despite repeated protests from their partners because they get off on hurting women
. In 100% of cases if the woman stays the abuse escalates and in some cases it ends in death. Stop minimizing this. He's grown ass man who is well aware he is hurting you and is continuing to do it. That's called abuse, it's not normal, he is not a good person.
You're too old for the play fighting. And if he's hitting you harder than your brother did when you guys were kids … That's a red flag in my book. Think about it, your annoying brother showed more restraint as a minor than your grown ass man.
I'd say leave him because he doesn't respect your boundaries. All he wants to do now is test them more and more to see what you'll tolerate. And he won't back off or stop until you force him, because scrotes don't have empathy or enough braincells to know when to fucking stop. They're all like this. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries and he's showing you this Everytime he "play fights" you. There's nothing wrong with play fighting between a couple but I'm sure if you hit him back hard enough he'd start screaming abuse. And it's not play fighting if only one person is having fun. It's bullying, borderline abuse, depending on who you are and how you look at it. You don't have to take that shit.
"""Play-fighting""" you said no to is NOT play-fighting. If you tell him No and he still does it, it's physical abuse. Don't excuse abusive
male behaviour, that's how they get away with shit like this. No is no
I'm with >>202398
. Not sure how long you two have been together, but when you're at the point where sharing/borrowing technology isn't weird, see how leery he is about lending you his stuff and have a look. You don't need to dig into things from years back but look at history, saved and recently deleted files/photos, media access. A lot of men promise the moon regarding porn use then they're right back at it. I'd respect someone more who was upfront about a backslide over a liar any day. If he hides it then he's willing to manipulate you and his self image to get what he wants. That's a game, not a respectful partnership. You need trust.
This is also a hard one to test intentionally, but it's important to see how he is in a crisis or at least when things aren't going according to plan. If you show up a bit late to a date, does he get angry and stressed? If you're learning something together (say you're cooking) is he patient or does he get pissy if you mess something up? If you ask for help and it would be somewhat inconvenient for him (like he's in the midst of schoolwork) does he pause what he's doing or get annoyed? Can any of his friends or family remember a time when there was an emergency and how he reacted? Also, look at his friends. If he's great with you but his friends talk like scummy frat bros he's probably putting on an act for you and more similar to them than you'd think. Either that or he doesn't really care about women beyond the one he's fucking and passively accepts/participates in misogyny around his bros.
I got my first boyfriend so navigating personal issues in a relationship and bringing it up is all new to me. That said, I have a big issue that I’ve noticed and I don’t know how to breach the topic. I don’t know if I have the grounds to bring it up.
For context, my boyfriend visits my family occasionally. The problem is my sister. She is a bombshell. Slim-thicc hourglass body. 34D size boobs compared to my little 34B size breasts. VERY skinny waist and shapely legs. She’s prettier than me (big eyes, big lips, tiny nose, heart shape face, long thicker hair). The only thing I got going was that I was slimmer than her. But ever since covid, she has lost a significant amount of weight and she looks amazing, whereas I had gained a lot of weight and I feel like shit.
I have bad blood with my sister, of which I told my bf about. She is a very mean girl and cruel at heart. Always bullied me and put me down growing up. Used me as someone to make her feel better about herself because I’m such an easy target to compare yourself with (I’m a loser in her normie eyes because I have struggled with agoraphobia and avoidant personality disorder all my life which has turned me into a shut in—except now that I have a bf I am slowly coming out of my shell).
Anyway, she intentionally puts on this very low cut bikini thong swimsuit and intentionally angles her breasts so he can get an eyeful (I.e keeps leaning forward, draws his eyes there by fidgeting her straps, presses her boobs together). She has a huge crush on my boyfriend. I can tell because she plays with her hair when speaking with him, a thing she has always done to boys whilst we grew up together. She is the type of person who likes the validation and attention of cute males and proving she’s better than other girls (she’s very competitive), so she is thriving off his glances and me just sitting there, silently seething.
I watch my bfs eyes throughout this interaction and I can tell he desperately does not want to glance but he glances quickly at her chest area and her backside when she gets up to get more water. He spilled water on his pants and I go to wipe it up and lo and behold, he has a hardon. Before this, he kept crossing his legs, holding a big mug between his legs—he tried so hard to hide his boner from me, which makes me believe he feels guilty and is trying very hard to resist his attraction to her.
I don’t know what to do about this. Do I confront him? I feel so much in pain. He knows how horrible she was to me growing up. And now he has a biological attraction to her because she’s hot, and it really hurts me. What do I do?
Sorry for too many details but tldr, my bf gets boners for my sister even though he knows she was cruel to me. But hey, you can’t beat biology. If a hot girl parades around barely naked, you’re gonna get a boner
>>202504 > he spilled water on his pants and I go to wipe it up and lo and behold, he has a hardon
Wow that sure was convenient. He spilled water on his crotch at that exact time. And you went to clean it up on his behalf..and he had a hard on and you knew it was from your hot (34D) sister as you knew she was 'angling her tits at him intentially' while wearing a thong and having shapely legs.
Hate it when that happens.
That’s how it actually happened thoug>>202508
Problem is I am very unfrontational so idk how I’d bring it up to him? And idk maybe it was all in my head and I overreacted because it was my sister and not just some random girl walking on the street. It ls causing me severe stress to know my bf has the hots for her
She also has a bf but she is the type of girl who likes to tease other boys to make her feel desirable. And she likes to make her bf be on edge and fear he’ll lose her so she likes to flirt in front of him with other men. It’s a power and control dynamic in their relationship. She thinks if other men lust after her it’ll make her bf feel like he won her over all the other men. Idk if I explained it right, I’m very frantic and anxious rn because people think I’m a man or female coomer (I’m not either). Anyway thanks for honest advice. And yeah her bf was sitting next to her across from us when this took place
I’d confront her but then she’ll feel like she has a one-up on me. And she knows my weakness is my bf. So she’ll try to continue making me uncomfortable by flirting in front of me with him. Until I explode and make a fool of myself in front of him. She is not a nice person so I’d rather not talk about my problems with her, she’ll just exploit my confession and feel delightful over it
I don't believe this is real but if it is, this >>202508
. Stop being a doormat to your sister and tell her to fuck off. And/Or stop bringing your boyfriend when your sister's there. >>202520
is right but you don't have to take this deliberate sabotaging from your sister. If she's actually wiggling her boobs in front of your bf, grow a fucking spine and speak up instead of whining about it here.
I don't think you should try to stop being cautious of men, it's nothing personal to you but your thoughts are a real concern. Not to the point that you should be freaking out about it all the time but it's very possible a man might treat you like shit. The only thing you can control is your reaction to it - and if you can confidently say you'll drop a guy at the first sign of poor treatment, you should be ready to date. Even if it's just in your head, establish clear boundaries and decide what you will and won't accept in a relationship before you get into one.
Controversial on here but FDS has been really helpful to me with this concept.
Ayrt and in that case I agree with >>202557
Being cautious of men is a good thing and if you don't find it otherwise disruptive besides being discouraged from dating then I don't think it's inherently bad to have these thoughts. If you want to start dating and being more social you need to set standards for what you want from a relationship and what you will not tolerate. Go ahead and interact with people, remain cautious, and promise yourself you will stop interacting with them if they don't treat you well. No one is perfect and people may show affection in different ways, but treating people you care about as though you care about them is a low bar that anyone worth your time should be able to meet.
I met somebody who is perfect for a long-term relationship, which is why I stay with him despite friction romantically.
He is an absolutely fantastic person which is why I am so fond of him. Overall I simply appreciate him so much as a human being, from his personality to his achievements to his appearance. He also has barely any of the red flags males usually have, which is especially why I wish to hold onto him. However, romantically I feel dissatisfied with him. He doesn't mistreat me, but his way of showing affection does not convey his feelings to me, so I feel ignored and unseen. It makes it difficult to be around him sometimes, as I will become frustrated and bored. I like petnames and compliments and being treated a particular way romantically. Without these elements I don't feel necessarily attracted or seen. I understand how this sounds, but it is hard to explain. It simply seems that there is a lack of compatibility here, even though he is completely content with me, which he said explicitly. We are both already aware of love languages too. Anyway, I don't want to let go of him or give up because I really value him and also acknowledge how rare this breed of male is. But I simply don't know what to do about this semi-incompatibility. He is aware of my needs and frustration and we have discussed it in length, but I feel annoying bringing it up too much and he has already expressed how he dislikes it when I bring up negative things during a positive moment, although he does acknowledge those simply are my feelings. I just don't want to keep bugging him about how the way he talks to me sometimes and treats me makes me feel unappreciated, unseen, ignored and frustrated, especially in comparison to how I speak to and treat him. It is especially difficult due to us being long distance for some months thanks to work, so I'm not going to push too much either until we can be together irl. But every time we talk the problem arises and it is becoming more and more jarring to me. It really turns me away from him and I don't know what to do about it. I love him for who he is but I can't tolerate this as a romantic relationship for the rest of my life. Being just friends is not an option. What do I do?
I have the same problem, but the issue is personality/communication. We were long distance for a year and it's easy to seem compatible online. He is perfect in every way - so loyal and sweet and kind and the hottest man I've seen in my entire life. Literally perfect except for one thing - we can't talk about the same things. I can't have deep conversations with him. Considering I can fall in love with someone purely through the depths of our conversations, it's pretty important to me. His humor and conversation is very simple and kinda boring.
But everything else is perfect. I know how rare finding him is so idk what to do. People have said you can find intellectual stimulation in friends or online, but I want it in a partner.
If he's not willing to do something as simple as saying nice things to you to make you feel loved, you are putting him on a pedestal. If he was that fantastic, he wouldn't dismiss your feelings as being "negative" when all you have been asking him to do is call you sweetie and tell you you're beautiful or whatever. Yes people have different ways of showing their affection, but if your partner were to say "please give me compliments and don't make me beg for them, it makes me feel loved when you say romantic things" over and over, it's obviously important to them, and you would try to do it, wouldn't you? If this guy can't be assed to do it, you are not the asshole here, he is. It's SO easy to do and you've told him how much it hurts that you don't hear those things from him. A fantastic partner would not want you to feel unloved and unseen. He does not seem to care about that. I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't think it's going to improve in the long run. There's no reason to try and cope with this. You should have higher standards. Despite what low value men would like you to believe, there are quality men out there who can fulfill all of your needs. If was one of those men he wouldn't be so obstinate about saying sweet nothings and cuddling etc. It literally costs nothing and no effort to do.
Anon, I know you can't see this clearly yet, so I'm going to spell it out for you in plain English: this guy is a dud, and you're putting him on a pedestal. Idk if that's intentional or not (maybe there was some lovebombing on his behalf at the beginning), but you've literally spent an entire post insisting this guy is great, yet provide little to no examples of such. On the other hand, you're very detailed about all the things that makes him a shitty partner.
Maybe you need to read your post again, because it's pretty damn clear you're not happy with this guy and he's not a good partner. Being loving and supportive is a basic requirement of any romantic relationship. Without it, you guys are essentially fuck buddies. I understand that words of affirmation aren't everyone's strong point, but in healthy relationships, both parties can discuss this and work together to accommodate each other. This guy, by your own admission, does not do this for you, and instead gaslights you for "being negative." Which you're not, you're literally expressing needs that all normal people have in a relationship.
I'm not going to tell you to outright dump this guy, but you should definitely consider it.
I tremendously appreciate your messages, as I didn't realise before how what I am longing for is normal and healthy. I felt terribly guilty for feeling frustrated and dissatisfied. However, I am going to have to out one of my previous posts here (I've been enjoying the relationship advice thread now that I have my first boyfriend) in which I highlight some of the great things about him. >>202381>green flags: doesn't approve of large age gaps between people, even when it's legal, as it can be manipulative, predator, etc; is emotionally mature and communicates with me over everything; respects me and my trauma and understands what it means or tries to become educated on the topic; respects his mother and sister and has a close relationship with the rest of his family; had one long-term relationship before and it only ended because the girl cheated on him; is financially stable whilst also in university; respects me and treats me right. Unfortunately, he does watch porn, but it is at the very least pornography of girls masturbating. It still irks me and he has already stopped, I hope.
I've simply never met anybody who understands me and my trauma the way he does, and treats me with such respect. I have already made a lot of progress in healing from my cptsd through my relationship with him and I am so grateful for it. Everybody else has always abused or ridiculed it, or simply didn't understand it enough to support me and treat me like a normal human being. We also have great and stimulating talks and he sees so much in me that I don't. He is such a great person all around, towards the people around him and his goals. That's just why I want to be so close to him and have it feel like I am his girlfriend. I'd be very honoured and it'd make me so happy. I know he wants this too and he wants me to be happy, but I haven't been explicit enough in explaining my concerns. Maybe… I'm not sure. Maybe these insights will change something of your opinions, I am very curious. But I am already highly appreciative of what you have all shared and I take it very seriously
Not my own relationship, but. An acquaintance of mine has been basically cheating on her boyfriend with another friend of ours. Nothing sexual as far as I know, but they are flirting, making out and cuddling up a lot, which is visibly upsetting the boyfriend when he has caught them. Now, this friend claims she is poly. I'll leave my personal opinions about that aside, but it pisses me off that she seems to act like it's okay to stab her boyfriend in the back because "she can't help it." They've been together for 3+ years and she's constantly threatened to break up with him over small dumb things. Now she tells him "You don't like me going out with another man? Break up with ME." She never asked for his consent for any kind of poly relationship and is basically forcing it into their lives like a selfish prick. The friend she's cheating with doesn't escape my ire either. I see everyone involved regularly so it's in my face constantly.
It's more worrisome that my own boyfriend (him and the cheating friend are good friends) is also defending it. Him and the friend shit on the boyfriend a lot for things he does, or being forgetful, etc. I don't have the whole picture obviously, but I don't understand it. It makes me paranoid that if my boyfriend is clearly okay with cheating (under a coat of "poly" paint), then what's stopping him from doing it himself one day?
I have brought it up to my boyfriend. He's mentioned before he was "poly-curious", but hasn't really been in any poly relationship and we got together explicitly as a mono couple. So it logically shouldn't be an issue but I brought up my feelings. But him and the friend are best friends and have known each other for years so I guess he's become blind to any bad habits of hers. I have told him that if the friend (and her new paramour) come over I don't want to see them and do not approve of anything they are doing. No one else that knows about it seems to think what they are doing is wrong (besides her actual boyfriend) that I feel like I'm going crazy. To be honest, the negativity coming from the other couple is rubbing off on me. I really shouldn't care because it doesn't involve me directly, but it offends my sense of morals.
I said I wouldn't go into my personal opinions, but poly has and will always seem to me like the most selfish thing to do. It's basically telling your partner "you will never be enough" or "I'm still immature and want to sleep around on you and fear any kind of commitment." That's how it has played out for any I've seen in real life.
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I'm this anon – I ignored everyone's advice because I realized the man I was dating was far too spergy to be a player and I chose to just let things play out. Three months in, a mutual friend of ours asked if we were "official" and he said "What do you mean? It's been three months. Of course she's my girlfriend." In hindsight I can see that I was not clear about my intentions at all, and he had every right to feel hesitant in calling me his gf – I was holding him at arms length and hoping he'd take it upon himself to close the gap. HOWEVER, the advice from anons was still good! – if any anon reading this can identify with my original post (picrel), I want her to read the responses and really think about the kind of man she is dating and what she wants from him, and the effort she has given vs. the effort he gives back.
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Thoughts on this please
Maybe being in a relationship added new responsibilities to the relationship, or you feel more on edge and scared of it going wrong or something (cos then you'd lose him as a friend too).
I was once in a relationship with a good male friend. I realized that flirting with him and the "forbiddenness" (I understand it's not really forbidden but idk how else to explain it), the novelty of getting with your best friend made it exciting and made the idea of being with him better than actually being with him.
I think you are right on the « forbidden flirting » being much more enjoyable than the relationship. I think maybe it could work out between us but we moved way too quickly from ambiguous friends to unequivocal « serious » bf and gf. >>202823
I see what you mean and my first instincts were to stop it in its tracks very quickly, after the first few days in fact. But I can’t help but think my reactions are simply over the top. I also left my first boyfriend after a short relationship (a few months) got sour in the same way. It feels like a me-problem, like I just have an issue with being with someone and not just pinning after someone or flirting, like I have commitment issues when I start to know them better. It just reared its head extremely quickly in this case because I knew my current boyfriend on the back of my hand before we even got together. I want to at least try to make it better… and I don’t want to hurt him
I get you, I feel the same way and it's an actual problem I can't fix. I can't find any solution online.
I pine after people and go after them but once we're together, it kind of fizzles out immediately and I sort of friend-zone them lol. But I can still see that they're attractive and a good person and I don't get why my stupid body isn't enjoying being with them.
I’m wondering whether it’s some sort of stupid coping mechanism I’ve developed. Because I pine HARD after men then feeling nothing. I feel so frustrated. I just want to feel something.
It’s not just romance though it is most visible in that area. It’s with everything, I seem to enjoy the frustration and chase more than the achievement, after which I feel meh. Which is terrible because I get no relief from the buildup. It’s like a ruined climax.
Did your parents give you enough attention and affection growing up? Were any of them abusive
? Not asking to be bitchy, I'm genuinely curious because a lot of my friends, male and female, are like you.
It's always been strange to me because I'm the opposite of you, if a guy gives off bad vibes or looks disinterested in any way I feel repulsed and angry. I feel like chasing men is beneath me, it should be the other way around. I grew up ugly too so it's not my looks, women in my family just had strong personalities and I grew up to be like them.
I wonder about my upbringing sometimes. My parents and I have a good relationship. My dad and I clash sometimes, but I wouldn't say it's abusive
or beyond what is normal. Typical parent/daughter arguments lol. They raised me well and I love them. But my mum did slap me a lot when I misbehaved, and my dad moved country when I was 2-3 before he brought us over, that's the only thing I can think of.
I did grow up ugly too. I only turned beautiful around 20ish. I want my men to love me more than I love them, but I want the chase too. The women in my family also have strong personalities. I've been self sufficient since age 18 and I have my own business - I think maybe I try to be too strong or something so maybe my brain stops me from getting too close with a guy after the chase. Maybe.
Dunno how to fix it tbh. Maybe I need to just keep seeing the same man until I suddenly feel something one day.
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People don't say stuff like that to their partners for no reason. Sounds like he's changed his mind about marriage and doesn't want to break the news abruptly, so he is trying to walk back by hinting at it and gauging your reaction. At the very least you know he's holding back and not that excited about the commitment or prioritizing you as his life partner. Sorry anon but you can do better
He's right though? Romantic love isn't unconditional, you have to work at it and treat your partner right or they will (justifiably) walk away. It's a lot of work and not everyone is cut out for it. Parents can't just abandon their child once they turn out to be a sociopath or vice versa, and this is why it's said to be unconditional. Unconditional love isn't a good thing at all.
Why are you upset about it? He's proving to you that he loves you. He wants to put in the effort and make the relationship last because he chooses to be with you every day and you make him happy. If you didn't or he wasn't sure, you'd be a forever-gf or get dumped. If something is going wrong, it's better to be with someone who chooses to be with you every day because they think it's worth the effort, than with someone who loves you 'unconditionally' no matter what and lets you walk all over them. That's not love, that's codependence.
Nayrt. Unconditionally means under no condition. If there are conditions that would cause you to stop loving them, you don't love them unconditionally, even if those conditions are never met. Believe it or not you will never ever know another person completely. It may not ever effect you or even be a negative thing, but people have been blindsided by hurtful things from a seemingly good partner before. It's fine and dandy to think you'd definitely be able pick someone perfect for you, but people lie and people change. If you were blindsided by something awful your child did, chances are you'd still love them because you made them. If it were your partner, things should be different. And that's a good thing, anon. You should have high standards and expectations for people you invite into your intimate life. Don't get it confused with loving someone despite natural things happening to you like age, health, finances, time. That is the kind of love that is healthy with your "forever" partner.
I have an ex who broke up with me and said "maybe we'll meet again in the future and it'll work" and it was the weirdest thing to hear mid break up talk. Like this article said it's an 'open door' comment that robbed me of closure for a while there. Thing is, he left me for another woman… then wants an opening to come back if that falls apart. He was already thinking that far ahead? He sent me a housewarming gift after I moved out and he's "there for me if I need anything" He tried to maintain contact for over a year afterwards and act caring towards me? All while with this new partner and planning a future where they blend their families together as they both have kids. Nuts.
That experience opened my eyes to the fact that some people just don't want to be alone and will hop into any relationship they can rather than being single. I think in his case it's about wanting steady sex and fearing being stuck sexless for long periods of time. I know for some women it's more of an emotional thing than that. Their self esteem might be resting on securing a partner at all times. To me being single is better than recycling old broken relationships. I wish I had clearly said to him that no I won't be here if he ever wants to try again. I was just so taken aback by it. > Sorry, We're just not working out. I've met someone. > We might give it another go down the line though. You never know! Stay in touch
It's such a lose lose situation. It's treating me like crap, treating his current partner like crap and if those are his standards and he can't just be single then it's on some level treating himself like someone who can't even find affection without recycling previously scorned partners. Scraping together any remnants of feeling that might be left.. It's sad.
>>202982> But that's not something you usually tell your partner.
Bingo. It's like telling someone you're in a long-term relationship with it has a high chance of not working out and you won't be together forever. It's likely true, but who the fuck wants to hear that?>>202990
Of course it's possible. There are some genuinely good guys out there. I think the important thing is to drop someone at the first sign of disrespect, though. The worst thing is sticking around with trash because you don't think there's anything better out there.
My bf gets me a hot water bottle and cuddles with me. Why would you stay with anyone who dismisses your pain.
I feel kind of bad lately
We've been dating for some months now
and I feel… not appreciated, i guess
He comes from a family with little money, and its fine, mine is also similar
But like, I try to gift him things, I gave him something for christmas, on his birthday i gave hijm money to spend on a game, and took my time to go to his house to see him and give him sweets ( despite me having a busy schedule in college and living far from him )
on valentines day i gave him many sweets, and he said he would give me something from a game which i wanted, and He didn't give me until this day, and also in valentines day, a aunt of his bought my a moisturizer, so that he could give me something, and when i thanked him he just went: oh i don't know what that is, my aunt chose
which is… idk frustating, because I go out of my way to gift him and give him nice things
and the only thing "he" gave me, he didn't even choose, or care to look for something i like, letting another person pick the gift for his girlfriend
my birthday is coming up and i just know i won't be gettig anything
and i also pick him up and let him home, eveytime
even when its at my house, i pick him up and get him home
And we never went out to eat or anything, is always, at his house, or at my house
I feel bad for feeling unapreciated and expecting things but i can't help it
All you seem to want is an equal effort back, that's entirely reasonable.
Thing is, guys who put in very little effort this early on generally won't change. It's all downhill from here if you're already dealing with this.
I had written a draft for a message to him which would state I simply won't limit myself for him and that it was wrong of me to give him the benefit of my unconditional loyalty. That I will stop expecting romantic advances from him and stop actively viewing him as a romantic partner. That he is still free to act as he wishes and that I am not rejecting him, but simply redefining what exists between us as feels more accurate. Yet I am frightened I might ruin everything and push him away. Maybe things will be better bu Christmas. I keep thinking this… I am so scared I might give him the wrong idea… That I don't like him and don't want to be his girlfriend… But that is the entire issue… I do
want to be his girlfriend, but not under these circumstances, and that is what I am trying to tell him… But I can't say it that explicitly, because he already knows this, and we were going to wait until Christmas and reconsider everything again then. It would be a clean slate and we would both be reenergised and he can try again. But it doesn't feel right to me. Everything is bothering me right now, for some reason. I struggle to just ignore it until Christmas. There are so many concerns I have. I understand he can't give me a lot of attention right now because of LDR and school, but I am still so hurt… I am thinking I should just focus on myself during this time and that was the entire plan. Then I would myself be focused more on things that fulfill me as opposed to whether or not he messaged me. But it doesn't feel right to me. It seems like the wrong decision. Also, shouldn't a boyfriend and girlfriend be able to have both? Their own lives but also making time for the other to just send some nice messages, even if you have a busy schedule? Wouldn't you want that? Because that's what I want… And that is one point of conflict, I think. Does any of this make sense? I am so so confused. I keep thinking I have reached a conclusion but then I realise other things again.
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how would you react if you found out your boyfriend was obsessed with uwutubers? i love him but i'm sad
I know exactly what you mean anon. It's very painful to feel the way you do, I've been there before. If you take time that should be spent on focusing on yourself, but all you can do is worry about him/your relationship. Don't ruin yourself over a guy, ever. Trust your intuition and don't let anyone hurt you like this. If you feel like it's going nowhere and the pain is eating you from the inside, you must know that you deserve better, and you can find someone that doesn't make you feel like this. Don't fall into the trap of wishful thinking that everything will be okay after x and y. Make yourself clear without pushing him away, be blunt with him, tell him your fears. You're only human, and he can either understand where you're coming from and work on it, or break it off in which case it only means you're meant to have someone else in your life, perhaps someone who doesn't make you feel this badly. There were many times where I never voiced my fears with partners, I always regretted it, because in the end I was suffering alone. I hope everything goes well anon, I know things look scary now but the pain of feeling unloved when you're with someone hits harder than the pain of loneliness.
Do you mean vtubers? Or egirls? I would wholeheartedly agree with >>203083
when it comes to egirls, but I'm a filthy weeb so I'd probably tolerate it if my man developed vtuber autism as long as he wasn't spending money on them.
If you enjoy it, don't stop doing it. But I definitely hate whenever I am groped at random. It is so demeaning, like >>203109
>>203271>having a break from a longterm relationship that did have a positive outcome
It's possible they can help if there are very clear terms and goals, but it is typically a break up with extra steps, yeah. I've taken a month-long break before while a partner worked on himself in therapy to try and achieve a specific outcome. When we got back together did things improve? Yes, for a while. Did it ultimately save the relationship? No, he backslid and things imploded. The sad reality is that a month or even several months is not anywhere near enough to overcome mental health issues that have been present for someone's entire life. Real change takes hard, consistent work over years
and you don't want to put your life on hold for someone to get their shit together.
In your situation, you're already halfway out the door. You clearly need space from this guy for your own well-being and probably his too. Maybe you could still see him while you live apart, but it's not going to be the same scenario as what you have now (you wouldn't be "real" partners) and you need to decide if that would even be worth it to you. Could you see him and get some of the perks of a relationship without having to be near the heavy fog of his anxiety every day? Or would it ultimately still affect you and you'd be better off focusing entirely on yourself so you can move on?
idk it's just that it looked like softcore porn, it really triggered
me for some reason, youre right though nonny
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I’ve been with a great guy (sweet, caring, always pays for me and gets me gifts) for 6 months and it seems these days that I’ve just lost physical attraction to him and want to see him as a friend
I think it might be my commitment issues because he’s let me know that he wants to marry me and sees short-term dating as a waste of time, but I won’t be ready for that level of commitment for a long time. We’re still in college and I want to be able to graduate and go where I want + do what I want without strings attached
I feel like if I break up with him, I would be shooting myself in the foot because he’s such a great provider with a promising career on top of having a genuinely nice personality, but on the other hand I’m getting my own degree and know intuitively it’ll be better to support myself and live with less instead of rushing into this huge decision I’m not ready for… I would also break his heart and find it hard to forgive myself
In the past, whenever he brought up our long-term future together, I just smiled and nodded and said “maybe” because I didn’t want to hurt him and wasn’t even sure of whether or not I wanted that myself. I’m thinking of telling him about the stress that the long-term implications of this relationship have been causing me and offer to stay in the relationship if we can just take it one day at a time.
What do you nonies think? Any advice or commentary on my situation is very appreciated
>>203503>I’m thinking of telling him about the stress that the long-term implications of this relationship have been causing me
Absolutely, be completely open with him, he deserves no less.>and offer to stay in the relationship if we can just take it one day at a time
No. Make it a dialog, not an ultimatum. Listen to what he desires and what his plans are (ask even if you think you know), and if they really don't match with yours just break it off, don't try to convince him to have a relationship on a level not satisfying to him. That never ends well.
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It's such a pain in the ass. I don't know if it's because I'm kind of mentally stunted or I'm just a dumbass, lol.>Do you know how seriously he considers this relationship with you?
He's told me multiple times that he wants to share his life with me, but I am not letting myself get too excited over this just in case our plans go South where we end up splitting.
Other than that I am pretty much just going with the flow since we've only been dating for a year now. He really does make me feel loved (but I'm still wary lol) but I feel like his annoyance makes up 20% of the relationship and I guess it's normal for that happen? I am probably kind of annoying to him sometimes, too.>it's important to know your boundaries so that when/if he does something annoying that crosses the line for you that you know that's your sign that it isn't going to work out.
I've always struggled with this in the past with friends, but I for sure won't let this happen this time.
I really appreciate your words, anon. You're like an angel sent from the digital heavens.
Though I don't believe at all a guy is going to stop if he isn't even ready to do the minimum of legwork himself and it's all on you, AND he already watches it once a week (as far as you know, but considering he seems to delete his browser history or whatever, you can't even know that), here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-i6zYkIbnHqljJ6kw0aIlJu3qX_fsRSl6GOgnB1knbQ/edit
Page 46 to 71.
I agree with >>203681
though. Even if he watches normal stuff, how normal can it be if 88% of all videos show at least one instance of physical agression against women and he wants to put it up your fucking butt (doesn't matter that he didn't insist or push for it, the interest alone is disturbing enough)? If it's loving sensual passionate uwu amateur stuff it's very likely revenge porn the moid in the clip uploaded. Doesn't even matter on a moral high ground basis, what he does is what I'd consider cheating even if everything were really as safe and valid
as everyone tries to push nowadays.
We're both in our 30s and we both tried monogamous relationships during our 20s but none worked. I just felt trapped and he was dumped during wedding preparations.
Anyways I decided to bluntly ask him about his fears and it's not related, he still has some trauma he has to face and he's just scared he will sabotage the relationship somehow. As long as he doesn't do anything fucked up I'm sticking with him.
This is quite stupid of me, but it is awkward when you can tell a partner is excited about something sexual because they remember it was fun with their ex. I have these huge platform stripper shoes and I finally wore them during sex with my bf and he was really excited about the possibility of him being able to have sex with me standing up and it was so immediate I knew he suggested that because of his ex who was his height. It embarrasses I even care because I know it's not like a bad thing, everyone picks up stuff they life from their exes, but it's hard because I hate my height so bad. I'm a mid range height (5'4'') and he knows I hate being that height. I have told him so many times how I wish I were tall and more intimidating, and he always tells me he likes my height because it's a perfect distance from his face, etc. and it's not that I don't believe him but I hate how as soon as I get taller with those shoes he immediately wants to fuck me in a way that takes advantage of my height. I am not angry or anything at him, but it's hard because I'm so sensitive about my height and even though his ex was a lot more unattractive than me, I'll always admire that she was tall and it makes me feel like shit. I know this is stupid, it's just like one of my biggest insecurities and my boyfriend has always seemed to think it's not that big of a deal, but then it's obvious it'd be nice if I was tall. I hate my brain, anons. Is there any way I can not break down crying when we do end up having sex with me standing in those platform boots?
You are right.>>203720
But that makes me feel like a pussy, anon!
Ideally, I'd be able to deal with my insecurities first. But I will likely tell him. I am quite open with him, it's just very embarrassing to me I'm insecure about this. >>203726
Most of the time I am just naked.
im so sorry nona but >>203757
is right, i know i couldnt go without any kind of erotic material for a year, and i know some anons will be like you dont NEED porn to masturbate but like, no. you need a visual or something you cant masturbate to your imagination for a year. What kind of pictures though? pictures of girls on reddit sounds tame
I guess I can see that, but it still feels weird coming from a guy who made a big show of saying how guilty looking at porn while in a relationship makes him feel. Like sure, I agree that browsing the front page of r/gonewild is nowhere near as bad as looking at hentai or actual porn, and I'd drop him without the slightest hesitation if that turns out to be the case. Nonetheless this hits me right in some very old and sore insecurities about my body, my aversion to acting 'sexy', etc. I feel now like I am just not good enough, even though the problem isn't with me but with the lack of sexual stimulation.
tl;dr i get it but it sucks
So you admit you're pornsick. Good>>203756
It sounds like your relationship is already over, honestly. But if you want to salvage it, you'll have to consider what you're willing to forgive. Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with a man who emotionally cheated on you when you were in pain? Are his motivations for cheating understandable to you? Is boredom or impatience a good enough reason to lie to and hide things from you?
Also, the way he harped on the issue even though you had other responsibilities doesn't sit right with me. He's the one who fucked up here. He should be more considerate of you in these situations, not making it all about him and his agenda. Honestly if I were you, I'd break up with him and focus on working through my own issues. It's really hard to be in a relationship when you have unprocessed trauma, especially the kind that impedes intimacy. I hope that you'll do what's best for yourself and that someday you'll feel happier and healthier, and have the chance for a fulfilling sexual relationship of your choosing.
Samefagging to say>>203761>I feel now like I am just not good enough, even though the problem isn't with me but with the lack of sexual stimulation.
No, the problem is with your moid. He lied to you about his viewpoint on pornography use during a relationship, and then acted flabbergasted that you took him at his word. The more I think about it, the more disgust I have for him.
Sorry anon, I know it's probably something you don't want to hear, but staying friends with someone you're in love with is typically a bad idea. The emotions are still going to be fresh, and can you genuinely say that if she mentioned getting another fwb or even a partner that you'd remain entirely unaffected and the pain/anxiety that would cause would be worth having her in your life platonically? Very likely not the case. You should be kind to yourself and let go fully so her presence isn't reminding you of what you couldn't have (romantically). >>203776>less than 24h ago, we had anons sharing articles on radical feminism. And now we have several people blaming OP for feeling rightfully upset that she's been dating a liar with no empathy?
Ah, the duality of lc.
I don't give a shit if there are articles about radical feminism somewhere else on the site, its irrelevant I'm stating my own opinion on this particular thread.
>Yeah OP has issues, she even admitted so herself
I'm not being rude, I'm stating the obvious. If she has mental issues, and she can't find a guy who matches the problems she's dealing with, she really needs to leave for his and her sake. Yeah you're right, sex does not equal romance, it does for a lot of us, maybe not for your crusty ass either, but OPs boy seems to be fine with not having it, yet she's still picking him apart? She sounds like a massive karen and that's why I said she should leave him alone and go find someone suitable.
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I just got in a new relationship a few months ago. So far he's been perfect to me in every way, until I jokingly admitted I'm a TERF and don't like transgenderism. His immediate reaction was him saying he hopes I'm joking and that it's a dealbreaker. He has a trans family member and is extremely defensive of his family in general, but I didn't expect him to react that way. I immediately played it off as a joke because I like him a lot and don't want to break up over disagreeing on trannies. More than anything it hurt my feelings that he'd break it off over that when we both agreed that we have a great relationship together. What should I do at this point?
. Don't be ashamed of being a TERF
. You should feel out what he really feels about it. He may have a trans family member but does he genuinely like trans people or care about trans issues? If yes, stay away because he's a chaser. If he's just being okay with trans people because his sibling made him accept it, you might be able to fix his brainwashing.
I can't believe the bs I'm reading upthread. I can't say anything >>203771
>>203772 hasn't said already, but she's completely right. You said he feels soooo guilty looking at porn in a relationship, but if he really did, he wouldn't act so surprised when you were rightfully hurt by his behaviour (because it wouldn't have come up in the first place). His guilt about this kinda stuff is conditional, and the condition is that there's a better alternative to porn.
I had a similar issue with my bf. He said pretty early on that being “transphobic” was one of his dealbreakers, but he didn’t try to hassle me when I gave a good explanation as to why I’m a TERF
(ex: the appropriation of women’s medical struggles like PCOS, vaginismus, etc.).
He tries to pride himself on being a “good guy” and has trans-identifying friends online, but he values our relationship more than anything else. If your bf isn’t willing to hear you out, then that’s a character flaw.
I'm really similar to >>203804
My boyfriend has a ftm friend and I didn't tell him I was a terf
until, like, a year into the relationship, lol. He's a lib and reacted pretty well to it honestly and I think that was only because I shared reasons you can't really argue against. We're still together despite him and the ftm knowing each other for a really long time, way longer than him knowing me.
Lucky, you didn’t commit to either a coomer or someone who’d expect you to sit next to some coomer tranny every Christmas.
You could have gotten married or worse, had a child with this guy before finding out his family has a probably groomer.
Yeah don't be with anyone who makes you feel that way.>>202388
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Why wouldn't your bf tell you what kind of porn he watches unless its cp or gay porn(can confirm it's not the second one)? I'd imagine that he has a very specific preference for some physical trait on the women who appear on it that you don't share. How do I confront my bf and make him know that I'm not okay with porn? He was so elusive about the topic the only time I forced him to talk about this. Unfortunately I think I showed myself to be understanding about his activity, which is not how I really feel. He disappointed me. Have any of you confronted your partners or friends on this topic? What happened?
It's extremely important on average unfortunately, though on a case-by-case basis you'll also find lots of exceptions to this.
Even when someone is in conflict with their family because of abuse or other problems from the parents' end, a great deal of emotional instability, addiction problems, disagreeableness, and other risky traits are at least somewhat heritable. As people grow older, the heritable factors also tend to become more important, cue the midlife-crisis realization of "oh my god, I've become just like my parents". This means that even when a young person is otherwise sweet and sane, if he treats his family with indifference or hostility even for a justified reason, a long-term future with him could eventually turn bad. It's much safer to choose someone whose parents are good, emotionally warm and stable people, and who is close with his family members (in a healthy way of course, not codependent). Again, though, this is just in terms of probabilities, some good people also have shitty parents.
I think it can definitely say a lot, but if he has a bad relationship with his female family members that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad partner. Anyone can have a strained relationship with their family, it's only when he specifically treats his female relatives badly because they are women that you should watch out. If he belittles his mom or sister or throws mysogynistic insults at them, that's a sign that he has a problem with women in general and probably won't respect you either.
People do mention it with women and their fathers as well, but I think that's a bit different. While a bad or absent father can certainly influence how a woman thinks of men, it doesn't seem as common for women to have a bad relationship with their male relatives caused by their disdain for men. More like the other way around, if that makes sense.
It's definitely not the same anon. Having valid
criticisms of men's shittiness versus contributing to the prevalence of human trafficking/general abuse and reducing human intimacy to a shabby facsimile of what it should be isn't even in the same realm. Any decent guy (of which there are few) would be understanding of that frustration and wouldn't begrudge you venting.
It does depend on individual circumstances but it should be fairly obvious when exceptions arise. I wouldn't begrudge a partner getting upset with their mom if she was abusive
, but I've also had the opposite scenario occur. That is, all my partner's female relatives were cool girl pickmes who endlessly excused and laughed off their scrotes' terrible behavior, hence he placed them on a pedestal and wondered why other women weren't as accommodating. I would go with >>203846
advice and say just look at family dynamics in general. If his relationships are good is that because he's putting in an effort or because the women make it super easy for him and the only "disagreements" surround what's being made for dinner? A man growing up seeing his mom accept a ton of bullshit while dad fucks around is going to assume he should get away with the same even if he says he's better than that. It takes a lot of internal work to overcome bad dynamics, and most men don't have the capacity or desire to do it.
>>203847>People do mention it with women and their fathers as well, but I think that's a bit different. While a bad or absent father can certainly influence how a woman thinks of men, it doesn't seem as common for women to have a bad relationship with their male relatives caused by their disdain for men.
I totally agree nonnie
, I’ve noticed this too. Even women with deadbeat dads or women who have been in straight up abusive
relationships aren’t usually manhaters. If anything, women tend to internalize and turn into pickmes/people pleasers because we tend to think we’re
always the problem.
Idk if having a bad relationship with family is a red flag, some people are really just shitty and hard to get along with, but I’d definitely say that a guy who loves his female family members isn’t the green flag that most women think it is. Being a good son or a good brother doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole when it comes to your gf/wife, it’s a completely different dynamic. I’ve met plenty of guys with close female friends/family who turned out to be creeps.
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Hey nonnies. I just broke things off with my six month FWB. He had me convinced that he really acted about me but would go days without messaging me back. When I sent him the text all he had to say was “okay see ya :)”. I’ve had guys I was seeing for three weeks say more when I broke it off with them. I told myself I wasn’t gonna get my feelings hurt but I feel like a complete idiot. Any words of reassurance from other victims of fuckboys would be v appreciated right now.
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I'm 30 and I've never been in a relationship. I really wanted to but I don't like the guys who like me and the guys who I like never like me back. I also have had some random sex here and there but it never went further because I was getting scared for no reason.
I have a feeling that something is wrong with me and I start losing hope.
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I dont want to move in with my bf if he has to bring his moms dog. His mom adopted a dog from a friend because her friend felt that she couldn't give the dog enough attention, as she has two other dogs, but then just didn't bother actually caring for the dog and now my bf is taking care of it. All she does is spoil the dog so now its behaviourally ruined small shitdog when it used to be a very well behaved dog. Doesn't take care of it all all, just feeds it sugary scraps from her plate, then yells at the dog for begging for food later. Dresses it up in stupid clothing obvously stressing the poor thing out. She'll scream like a banshee when my bf asks if she can walk the dog because he has to go to work, so then he does that and comes late to work. She is unemployed.
And he wants to move together with me but fuck, I don't like small dogs. Its a cute dog and all, and it was sweet when they first got it, but I just don't want a small dog. Especially not a small dog that I will probably have to spend ages retraining because of all the damamge they have done. They both have never had a dog, but neither of them wanted to listen to my advice as someone who has literally grown up with large, difficult to handle breeds, and got extremely offended when I offered advice. And now they have a shit dog.
And I also don't know if I want to date someone who kinda has a girlfriend already and her name is mom, thats gross and codependent and pathetic and kinda incestuous. Especially not make it as serious as moving in together. Hell he even acts like her dad, makes all the food, cleans the house, takes care of her dog, its hella pathetic. Having a good realtionship with your mother is absolutely fantastic, but being her husband-daddy as her son is fucking nasty.
She even bragged and was so pleased that the people at his workplace got iffed out and thought he was cheating on me with an older women because they didn't know she was his mom. She was happy people thought she was banging her son. Disgusting. Thankfully he found it just as gross as I did.
I love this boy and we have been dating for 3 years with some breaks but holy hell I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life in that dynamic…
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Anons with successful relationships, how do you meet a genuinely good man? Where are they? When does it happen? I have been through abusive relationships with men to where my mind feels quite broken. Looking at men on dating apps is extremely depressing. I'm 28 right now and I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm slipping into the "being forever alone" mindset because men are just so depressing. Where can I go/look?
Many people in relationships compromise/settle in order to just not be alone. No one, even the most beautiful, successful, amazing woman, is guaranteed a healthy and successful relationship. It's primarily persistence and even more so luck. If being a parent is something you want to experience then think about your cutoff age for pregnancy and have a back-up plan if you haven't met a guy by then. Sperm donor, freezing your eggs, adoption.
As for where to meet good guys, dating apps are utter shit. While there are rare exceptions the vast majority of men on them are desperate, degenerate and unhinged. Develop broader friend circles, do more activities where your ideal person might spend time (volunteering, clubs, fitness, classes, shows). Most of all just focus on yourself though. The most you can do is continually put yourself in positions where you meet new and interesting people, but there's still no certainty that you'll find a good guy. Simply put, they are exceedingly rare and shouldn't be the golden goose you bet all your happiness on. Having a partner isn't the only way to avoid loneliness. Make friends, give back to your community, create your own family.
Yeah, thats the thing, its a 50/50 if he would understand or get extremely pissy. I also don't think I could be bothered with having to retrain him, or probably taking on the role as replacement mommy. I would rather him move out on his own, then we could move in together later. But I doubt he would move out if nobody pushes him.
His mom actually likes me though, which is nice, she doesn't try to sabotage our relationship consciously, it just happens because she is so codependent on her son. And because she is so codependent, he doesn't want to move out and leave her alone. He said he wanted to move out, bit couldn't because his sister moved out on a short notice and his mommy told him to never do that to her like his sister did, so he doesn't have the heart to do that. >>203916
He broke it off twice, over him feeling like I kept him from seeing his best friend. Which is a lie as I spend more time with my friends than he does, the only reason he didn't spend more time with his friend is because he is a shit planner. His best friend even stopped hanging out with him after he broke up with me for him, because he felt smothered by my bf, the irony. Messy on his side because he would constantly seek attention from me, while also not wanting to be together. Literally sending me long ass text on how we shouldn't speak and needed to cut contact, then a few minutes later try to get my attention again sending me hearts and shit. While I was like, alright, lets not talk then leave me alone if we arent dating. So extremely codependent and can only deal with one relationship at a time. Last time which was the most recent one, he tried to seek attention from me again before cutting it off again, so I told him I didn't play those stupid games and blocked him everywhere for a few months, and now he is acting like a good boy, but I honestly don't think it will last.
A couple times to one time a week is average. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-often-married-couples-have-sex
So daily is definitely more than most. Personally I have a high sex drive so I get where your boyfriend is coming from, but having been with lower libido partners having sex less often was tolerable so long as there was lots of general physical affection and attempts to meet each other halfway. And no I wasn't getting UTIs constantly, basic hygiene and cleaning up after sex goes a long way. In any case I hope it doesn't make you feel shitty. Someone expressing their wants doesn't mean they think less of you just because you're not quite on the same wavelength. Hopefully in some sense it actually makes you happy that he wants you that often.
I agree. OP, even his best friend has had enough of his shit, that should tell you something. Why choose to deal with a codependant guy and a dependant animal and all the issues they bring.
Whatever you do don't make the mistake of moving in with them. In fact, in general you shouldn't consider moving in with anyone who doesn't have their shit together.
Also,>>203910>She was happy people thought she was banging her son.
Ewwwwwww ewwwwwwww ewwwwww
I just dumped my bf of 4 years and the similarities here are alarming.
When my bf moved out to live with me, his mom got really guilt-trippy and was saying stuff like "I'll keep your bedroom exactly the same, so you can always come back to your real home whenever you want".
Instead of a dog, his mom used his younger brother as a weapon. The brother was super anxious, clingy, spoilt brat even at age 25 acted like a retarded child. She would send the brother round to our house every weekend (his only time off work) and made us take him on dates with us. Bf would get angry phonecalls and guilt trippy texts off mom like "WHY DIDNT YOU INVITE X TOO?" if ever we went on a date just the two of us.
He also called me mommy in bed a few times but I shrugged it off. I wish I hadn't. I think he wanted to fuck his mom.
Please don't ask me why I let any of this happen, let alone drag it out for years. TLDR mommy will always come first don't even try to compete. It will drive you insane. Also, your attraction to him WILL die once the hormones wear off kek, no woman gets off on a parent-child dynamic, and that's what will happen.
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I need some advice.
Two weeks ago, I went to a party with a bigger group of friends. We all got pretty drunk and stuff and had a lot of fun dancing. There was a guy that has recently split up with his gf around the same time I split up with my bf. He was quite good looking so we danced, kissed, touched a lot and so on in front of the other friends. After I sobered up a bit in the morning, I became a bit uncomfortable with it and it was veeeery awkward to kiss him goodbye. I'm normally quite a shy and reserved person (I just wanted to have fun partying after a stressful period of time). Now I message with him from time to time but I'm sure I only wanted to have fun because I'm touch starved, I don't want to be in a relationship with him because he isn't at all what I'm looking for (he's the 'traditional' kind of guy, lives in a different city too).
What is my problem is that I absolutely don't know how to treat him next time we meet. And I don't know how to treat him afterwards. We're probably gonna meet in front of other friends too, with our whole friend group and it's gonna be awkward in front of them. He's probably gonna want to kiss me as a greeting because I was into it before and I know it's gonna be awkward as fuck to interact with him. Some of those friends know him well but the guy himself is pretty much a stranger to me. The thing is I'm up for touching and fun when partying but not up for casual sex or for a relationship. I don't know how to tell him this.
How should I act? I'm a mid-twenties adult but I don't have much romantic experience so I just cringe so much thinking about it. I should probably text him this first before we meet with other friends present?
Yeah, wouldn't wait around for him to cheat or go through a year-long drawn out breakup while they orbit each other. Doesn't really matter how long you guys have been together, it's not like you will be life partners if this is how willing he is to prioritize you. I know it hurts but it's going to hurt much more if you keep putting in effort while he lies and extorts you because of a "friend". Honestly it sounds like you're pretty much done with him too, and from the outside that's clearly the right call.
If things don't work out with new chick he'll also come back all regretful and say he realized what he lost etc etc, don't fall for it.
I know it just hurts so bad. There is a big saving grace in that my SO did mention to them that they were in a relationship but it was never to that person directly. That is the only thing that makes me feel like there is still a chance but they are unwilling to remove them from their life and truly apologize. They are clearly prioritizing these opposite-sex friends over our relationship. My SO also made a comment saying they've gas lit me into a 6 year relationship and I brought it up and they just said it was a joke.
It could be but I really don't know and my trust for them is completely gone at this point so I don't know what to believe.
I'm so torn. This is a person I thought was the love of my life and I would've left my entire family and friends to move in with them a few states away after college.
My reality is so warped, I can't tell if I'm a controlling and jealous person incapable of a normal relationship or I'm with a narcissistic person and I've actually been gas lit this entire time.
Love is so blinding. I am 27 now and all I really wanted was to have a family with them.
I appreciate the advice. I just have been listening to music, running every day, and reading the Bible to find strength to carry on.
I even got them a $300 present to make up for the fighting like a week ago. Every time I mentioned that they broke my heart they just say "me too" like I'm the one who did something bad by saying I'm not okay and feel threatened by this opposite-sex friendship they've been hiding from me.
Sorry I'm just ranting now trying to get it out of my head. Thanks for the advice.
I'm sorry you're going through this but something about religious farmers cracks me up.
But yeah, best thing is to just drop him. From your reply it seems like he's not taking you seriously at all, just trying to get you to shut up so he can go back to talking to his discord buddies. And that's why I'd leave, not the conversations themselves. He's not validating your emotions. He's exerting more of his energy outside of the relationship than inside. That's not fair to either of you tbh. Keep your head up, I'm going through the break up blues myself so I get that it's a really shit time, and making decisions like that really suck.
Yeah you're right and its a hard pill to swallow. I think today will be the day we say our final goodbyes and I plan on cutting off all communications.
I hope you get through your break up as well and you become a more resilient woman because of it. You got this.
, we got this. when we get too lonely we can always come laugh at our favorite lolcows while eating ice cream.>>204060
Maybe she's praying for us to not end up in hell or is trying to intervene in a cows life by guiding them to Christ. But either way it's funny to think of someone actually clutching their pearls/rosary and breaking out into prayer because she fucked up and opened a Shayna thread on accident.
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I need to find a new guy to distract myself from this emotionally unavailable guy i'm into, problem is tinder is a shithole(i'm not that fond of online dating anyways but thats besides the point) and i'm living in a country where i dont speak the language very well(I know this is a major thing but I couldnt find guys in the country where I spoke the language either plus I live in a very international city so locals my age speak english and there are lots of expats) do i just go to bars alone and hope someone hits on me? i'm so frustrated no one asks me out ever i dont know what i'm doing wrong am i supposed to go up to people? i think i'm a fun and chill, i have many friends i get along with people easily, i'm not a model obviously but i think i'm good looking i'm positive that its not my looks thats turning people away from me, i dont know what the fuck is up with these moids? I'm very social I dont know what more I'm supposed to do to put myself out there? Even the fuckboys I hangout with from time to time(they are the only ones that approach me) are shocked when I say I haven't been on dates or had an irl boyfriend, i'm like you tell me??? like literally please tell me so i can fix whatevers wrong with me?? I met this bartender 2 weeks ago when I went out with my friends and we exchanged numbers planning to do something altogether but my friends ditched last minute so i went alone and it turned into a date, i actually went out with a guy and a girl friend that night and the bartender on our "date" told me he thought my guy friend was dating one of us so maybe i shouldnt go out with my guy friends because it gives the wrong impression? but none of my girl friends go out so i'm lost here. This is not a "I need a relationship to feel fulfilled" type of thing because I've been single all my life, all my relationships were online and the last one ended 4 years ago so I'm content with single life i'm used to it but I need intimacy and I dont want to turn into this toxic guy for it because it hurts me emotionally, my expectations are in hell i'd be okay with not having a relationship i just want someone to hangout with and be intimate so i'm demanding either? how low can i go to appease these scrotes? wtf i might as well walk around with a sign that says "hit me up" to meet guys. Bartender was nice and he wants to hangout again but I'm honestly not that into him because he is kinda annoying and arrogant but no one fucking approaches me I'm grasping at whoever comes along at this point I might hangout with him just because.
, i moved from a europe adjacent country and no one would approach me there either, i thought italian men were supposed to be casanovas or something all they do is catcall i swear ill just respond to a stupid catcaller one day and see where it goes im so done with this shit>>204065
its driving me mad, i will try doing that you're right its cringe asking for a guys number but if thats what i have to do thats what i have to do, i never thought of looking for specific events because i'm in social spaces all the time like i go to uni every day and i go out to bars and dinners so there is an abundance of men but these retards never make a move, one constructive criticism i received from a male friend is that girls are supposed to show their interest to initiate a move from the guy which is why i started staring at random men when we go out so they could get the hint but even then they look away then look at me when i'm not looking stupid middle school shit like that. ughfffhghghhhhhhhhhhgh i hate men so much, making me go above and beyond for their average ass, do all women do this stuff to find men?
i wish I could help you as an italian but alas I am probably a bigger autist than those moids kek. it sounds like you're doing everything right being social etc, eventually you'll meet someone cuz italian scrotes are thirsty af, sounds like you've just been unlucky. If there's a guy you like in uni just sit next to him and strike up conversation and at then exchange instagrams and keep talking there. In general esp if you're university aged asking for someone's ig is more common and acceptable than directly asking for their number especially if you met in a bar or something. Buona fortuna
Italian men are intimidated by girls, especially if you’re outgoing and confident. You might have luck if you go out with girls during the evening, and most of them are manchildren.
T. Italian anonita
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You need to understand that guys are picky and while they'd probably like to be intimate with you (sometimes), there is a strong need for social approval from their circle of friends. And if you're into the circle, get ready for very hard times.
thank you girlies i appreciate the insider info, this is why i like italian girls they’ve always been so nice to me and its so easy to make friends with you but italian men are so distant its like i need a plyer to take the words out of their mouth idg if its because they’re like shy or intimidated because i’m outgoing? or im a foreigner so they dont feel comfortable with english(eventhough girls seem fine with it)? I dont think i’m like annoyingly outgoing I’m the least outgoing in my friend group but maybe its still too much for them, i especially experience this with guys in my class i have most of them on instagram but we dont talk, maybe i should strike a conversation on there i never thought of it before. But again like maybe i’m retarded but i thought guys were supposed to do that stuff when they liked a girl you know? And its very true i also observed they’re thirsty as fuck and down to fuck whenever(like any other men from anywhere in the world tbh), i had the opportunity to take a guy home from the club couple of times but unfortunately i am virginia and i want to fix that situation before i pick up guys from clubs thats why i wanted a regular guy first but i feel like telling men you’re inexperienced here is a major turn off because they want to pump and dump and they think you’ll be attached, even the geezers at the club draw the line at virgin so i get the shit end of the stick either way. idk shit sucks i just want a warm body thats all. >>204073>there is a strong need for social approval from their circle of friends. And if you're into the circle, get ready for very hard times.
What did you mean by this nona i didnt get it. Like i need their friends approval first?
NTA but guys are super desperate for their friends approval and even if they like a girl, if he doesn’t think she’s hot enough to impress his friends or lacking in some way that his friends will point out and make fun of, he won’t claim her. But that just speaks to a certain kind of man and a stunted misogynist frat boy mentality. Blog but an ex-friend of mine has a thing with this guy in our college dorms and he literally talked shit to his friends about how she was fat and annoying.
Not too fat and annoying for him to sneak her into his room for blowjobs though.
Yeah, he is very pretty, we have very similar values and interests, and he spoils me rotten buys me everything I wish for and takes me out on fancy dates, but man yeah the negatives are just too much. Today I told him his relationship with his mom is kinda codependent and weird, and he got mad and accused me of saying that because I was hurt he hasn't moved together with me yet. I told him no, and that I am actually thinking about moving alone. Shut him up real fast and he apologised.
Yeah he definitively needs to live on his own and learn how to be a man. I lived for a while with him and his mom, and he seemed to think he got an extra mommy and wasn't even grateful when I did shit for him. No way not again. >>204040
His mom is thankfully not trying to compete with me, and isnt trying to intrude on us. She just uses her son as a husband slave to do everything for her, and he is codependent on her and will probably never move out of her nest.
Yeah I honestly kind of feel like he is my little brother now, and thats not hot at all. When we first started dating he wanted to act like my dad/caretaker which also was weird as fuck, and now he acts like my son. It feels like the older he gets the younger he acts, and I cant deal.