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No. 193118

Vent your heart out, give and receive relationship advice from fellow farmers.

Previous threads:

No. 193121

how do i start dating again when i'm still burned and paranoid about being cheated on?

No. 193128

How long has it been? My last relationship ended last August and he was a serial cheat amongst other damaging to my psyche things. I dipped my toe in the water about 3 months afterwards but didn't go further than a kiss with one dude, which made me cringe. Personally I don't think I'm ready. I still get sad about my ex even though he was a bastard. Time definitely does heal though, I've went no contact since the start of the year. I sent one text around his bday to make him spiral, like a petty dig asking him for something since he accused me of using him so I wanted to play on that because I know he gets depressed on his birthday lol.

No. 193131

uh… years lol i'm wayyy past the healing period i just feel so lost and out of the loop with romance. i feel sort of sad but vindictive like you, though i have no contact with my ex at all

No. 193132

Oh lol, I got dates through tinder which sucked, and then reconnected with an old flame that also sucked so I'm just as lost as you. Maybe someone else can help lol

No. 193133

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Me and my girlfriend have been dating and living together for almost 3 years and I want to surprise her with a new car. Our anniversary is coming up, but I want to do it for no real reason other than I love her. She has one she’s been wanting for a long time and getting it isn’t exactly the problem, but I just slightly wonder if we’re moving too fast? I don’t plan on going anywhere and I’m positive she doesn’t either. But we’re fairly young and this is the most serious and sincere relationship I’ve ever been in. We’re not married and I don’t know if or when or how that would happen (both our families are pretty nice but have their own ideas on our relationship. My grandmother died not knowing about us because my homosexuality might have broken her heart.) but I don’t see myself being with anyone else in the future and I don’t want to either. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I put too much of myself into it and it gives her unnecessary pressure or I should be wary of my actions. She says it doesn’t bother her at all though, and I never consider her or her gifts in return inadequate. Am I just overthinking it? She gives me nice gifts first sometimes too, but I never want things of that caliber.

No. 193134

I think you should consider making her a gift, instead of buying one. If you feel like you're rushing, and asking for confirmation on it, then your gut is telling you something.

Maybe you could make her something like a little book, like a notebook she could use, but write letters in it to her. How she makes you feel, how you felt when you first saw her, that sort of thing. Put in pictures of flowers she likes, or dab a bit of her favorite perfume onto the cover. You can put all of yourself into this, because personalized gifts are the perfect receptacle for that.

No. 193151

That's a really sweet and generous thought nonny, but it's probably too much. It's a "marriage-level" gift even if you aren't literally married, and it sounds like you're pretty certain but not 100% secure in the relationship since you're having to ask, so I wouldn't jump the gun. You can still get her something nice and catered to her interests/wants, just not that expensive. And another thought: Are you really worried about her feeling uncomfortable about the quality of gifts you give, or is some part of you upset that she doesn't provide that same quality in return? I know you say you don't think her gifts are "inadequate" but there's a difference between being happy with something and being okay with something but wishing it was different. I promise I'm not trying to create a problem where there is none, but these days I live by a "People get the level of effort they give" rule. I think you have to be conscious of the fact that continually giving more than someone else can turn into resentment over time. You may feel fine with it the first time, you may feel fine with it the first fifty times, but eventually unless it's reciprocated you can't help but feel like you don't matter as much. Better to not put yourself in that situation in the first place.

No. 193155

is there a checklist of things that if a guy has you can be confident he's not going to end up becoming an abuser or a psycho? something like

>comes from a loving family

>has a sister he gets along with
>all his exes are fine.
>when he gets mad, there's no aggression, desire for revenge or immaturity.
>he doesn't like it when you're upset, and definitely doesn't try to make you upset on purpose.
>vanilla in bed, and if he watches porn it's vanilla
>not cheap or controlling with money
>doesn't have a mean sense of humor or think cruelty is funny


No. 193160

Sadly there's no way to be totally safe, but that list isn't a bad start. I think you could add:

>Openly communicates and pursues meaningful discussions rather than you always having to initiate

>Genuinely interested in you and your life, remembers things you say
>Actively improves himself through earning more, learning new skills, volunteering, going to gym, meditating, having new experiences, etc
>Says something when other people make rude comments (silence around assholes can be a big indicator of mental weakness and lack of standards)
>Understands and reacts calmly/neutrally when told "no"
>Acknowledges his own faults, able to apologize, doesn't try to position himself as a victim during misunderstandings or arguments
>Doesn't mind you having access to his phone/computer and other tech, no hiding screens

No. 193170

A scorned ex gf will always spill the tea on psycho/abusive partners after the fact. If they have nothing negative to say that's a pretty good sign.

No. 193177

>Doesn't mind you having access to his phone/computer and other tech, no hiding screens

I get what you're saying but I would mind a lot if somebody wanted to check my phone or computer even if I have nothing to hide, I have a need of privacy when on the internet even when I'm only checking Wikipedia or something. It wouldn't be a red flag to me.

No. 193179

I think - or at least for me but NTA- it's not about letting someone freely snoop on your phone/browser but something like that in a situation you want to idk, check the hour, or google something and your phone would be charging in another room or whatever, they would be totally cool with you using their phone or computer to do your thing, not go into panic mode because you've touched their thing and "may see something inappropriate"

No. 193180

That’s a fine boundary for you to have and perhaps you’re willing to take that risk but personally I will never be with a man unless I’ve checked his tech. By the (lack of) virtue of their sex men have lost the right to privacy. Too many horror stories of “great guys” who have outright led double lives, solicited prostitutes, traded nudes with associates and beyond to trust in the curated face a scrote shows me. My experience was fortunately not as extreme as some, but one of my exes lavished care on me in the aftermath of a surgery, very attentive. It was a short recovery, only about a week. A little while later I asked if I could see his phone and if he’d been looking at porn (we agreed he’d stop months ago). I just had a feeling. He said he hadn’t and gave it to me. In his deleted files there were pictures of strangers baring their asses to the camera. The fucker lied to me, smooth as butter, no hesitation. Nope. Never again. (This was just the cherry on top of a shit cake by the way, but I was a weaker person then.) If a good man has issues with that level of openness, I’m totally happy to skip him and lead my own happy life. I certainly don’t need to take another risk. And yes, I know some men are better about hiding it, but chances are there will eventually be a crack in their deception. Read this for a more intense story of an “amazing” father who truly seemed to go above and beyond but started a whole ass separate family outside of his so-called beloved wife and daughter. https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/o23eid/on_snooping_green_flags_and_vetting/

No. 193181

Im the anon who said her bf deleted her. He added me back last night. And honestly? Fuck him. Its so fucking childish. I dont even wanna talk to him anymore

No. 193182

In this day and age you need to vet men and look at their phones and pc. Fuck giving them privacy. Do you know how many men pay e-thots or prostitutes? What if they visit incel or mra forums? What if they say they hate women onlin?
Theres millions of males wishing death on women. You bet ur ass half of them if not more are married.
males are dangerous and women need to vet then every chance they get

No. 193189

>Me and my girlfriend have been dating and living together for almost 3 years
You're not moving too fast, you're a couple in a long-term relationship.

No. 193203

Yes, so far checking their phone was always a great decision that saved me from dating cheaters/liars. It is shitty to invade privacy but I honestly can't feel guilty when I always found bunch of horrible shit.

No. 193217

>living together for almost 3 years
This time period for me has always been the period where I'm vulnerable to being hit from the side with an unexpected break up so maybe I'm biased by my own pattern here but I would hold off on something so big around the 3 year mark. It can be a real make or break year for relationships.

It's a nice gesture that you'd even think about getting it for her but I think in a less romantic sense and more sensible one.. a regular gift would be the smarter choice for now.

No. 193219

Isn't it ok if you know their reddit usernames/other forum usernames and they still post regularly on those accounts? I never kept tabs on my ex but I knew all his account names and could see what he was posting (which all ended up being nerd or gaming stuff) just by googling them

No. 193224

I had an ex where I knew a username he tended to use on forums but I never looked into his activities til after we split.

Post break up I was taking it badly so I looked him up and found out he had a long pattern of starting shit, petty arguments about things that don't matter. I don't know if he was drinking at the time he was doing it but I got that vibe. It wasn't a reddit account but my god didn he argue like a redditor! trying to sound smart and reduce the other person down to a dunce for thinking differently. That hit home.

He was a bad drunk irl when we dated. It would change his personaility to the point where I begged him to stop drinking. I wish I had found his post history at the very start. I'm not one to check phones because I think if you even reach the point of wanting to then the trust is gone and leaving would be better.. public posts tho, I maybe feel differently about them.

No. 193290

Good for you nonny, I'm proud of you. Congrats on dropping the manchild.

No. 193292

is anyone else in an ldr? what do you do/say when your partner isn't allotting you basically anytime. when there is time, it's about them, not me. and i've said blatant things already, that i need them, i feel alone etc. she's just be like "ik u do b" and a sad emoji. idk its depressing

No. 193293

Well, you've already tried communicating, which didn't illicit any meaningful response. You know what this "relationship" is going to continue to be like if you stay in it. If you're content with minimal contact and a total lack of empathy that makes you feel worse then stick around, otherwise realize that she's not making any effort to actually be partner to you and move on.

No. 193295

>has a sister he gets along with
I technically "get along" with my brother but he's still 100% going to turn into an abuser/psycho if he ever gets married. Maybe don't rely on this one.

No. 193296

it's not recurrent and it can be fixed, just dont know how to go about it

No. 193298

>it can be fixed
Okay. Have fun trying to come up with the magic words that will convince her to give a shit about you. That's always great for your self esteem. Hopefully you won't waste too much time on this fruitless venture.

No. 193299

anon are you projecting

No. 193301

It's pretty common sense that if someone barely spends time with you, only concentrates on themselves when you are together, and can't be assed to give you more than a sentence of chat speak when you request support, that they're just not that into you. Best of luck though.

No. 193302

>have fun trying to come up with the magic words
yes, that is call communication. yes she gives a shit about me. idk why you're so pressed right now, i'm asking for advice in an advice thread but i should have specified i was seeking good advice. we barely spend time with each other because..long distance. things are nuanced and you don't know all the details and i don't expect that from you. all i asked was a good way to bring it up to her to remedy a problem in a relationship.

No. 193307

My LDR bf is coming over to visit for a day. It takes 2.5h to drive here, 2.5h back. Should he stay for the night? My family is okay with it, but I feel it may be too awkward. We’ve only been dating for a week.

No. 193308

Living with your fam and dating this dude 'long distance' for a week. I usually hate anons saying this but are you an adult?

No. 193310

Sort of. Doesn’t feel like it (19).

No. 193312

>should i invite a male i've known for 7 days into my home at night?

No. 193314

Bf and I have been having sex and generally showing affection a lot less. Sex is and has always been a bit of a disappointment with him. He's not a super selfish asshole, I'm certain he loves me and cares about me, but evidently he is not that interested in my enjoyment. Things used to be better but as time goes on he seems to care less and less about foreplay, touching, kissing, exploring and making sex something fun or interesting. Instead, he'd rather wake me up in the morning by poking me with a boner and then screwing me while I starfish for three minutes until he gets off, after which the sexual encounter is over and forgotten. I've brought it up to him multiple times how I'm unhappy and every time I give up and end up even more upset. I feel like a pervert demanding him to do things for me or reciprocate when he doesn't want to, but it feels so unfair when he's perfectly satisfied and I'm left sad and desperate. I'm so miserable because all this has been brewing inside me, I can't even sleep next to him anymore, more nights than not I'm crying and silently cursing him while he doesn't know or care. What's left for me to do? I don't want to break up with him, I have no idea how to even bring it up to him anymore, I'm scared I appear way too pervy and needy because I understand that if he doesn't want sex he just doesn't want sex.

No. 193315

I know it’s a stupid question withthe information I provided, but I trust him and my family trust him. We’ve dated for a week and have been close friends for a year.

No. 193317

I don't have advice for you, but I'm in the same boat. I'm going through understanding I will never have enough sex to please me for the rest of my life.

No. 193319

I don’t know why anons are so deluded as to think their partners will suddenly start caring about them if they just phrase their concerns the right way. I know this is shocking knowledge, but someone who cares about you? They’ll listen the first time you bring up a concern and take steps to address it. It’s a hard pill to swallow but a reality check nonetheless. You either stay in this relationship, continually being used as a living fleshlight, or you stand up for yourself and leave. If you’re so desperate to stay with a man whose highest requirement in a partner is only that she’s vaguely conscious, then start telling him to fuck off when he pokes his boner against your body. No sex until he starts prioritizing you again.
>I'm certain he loves me and cares about me
>but evidently he is not that interested in my enjoyment
Really? I’m so curious as to your definition of “love” if it includes a person who doesn’t care about your pleasure whatsoever and refuses to attempt it even after repeated requests. Would you tell a friend to stay in an arrangement like this and try to convince her that her partner still loves and cares about her? If so, you’re a horrendous friend. I really hope you get out of this rapey and dehumanizing situation anon.

No. 193320

I’m not sure this is quite the same scenario anon. She is “getting” sex, it’s just objectifying, humiliating and unsatisfying.

No. 193337

what the fuck? how can he be okay not even getting you off? what a worthless idiot. tell him to jerk off instead of being such a bad sex partner.

No. 193340

>I don’t know why anons are so deluded as to think their partners will suddenly start caring about them if they just phrase their concerns the right way.
Right? It's insane how many women think they can verbally persuade a man to be a decent human being who treats them with the bare minimum of kindness and respect. The fact that he has to be told even once is bad enough, but that you keep telling him and he keeps not caring? The relationship is a lost cause. He gets the sex he wants (minimum effort and a human flashight to masturbate into) and all he loses is a few seconds of his time every time anon gets the courage to complain. So why would he change? At the very least stop letting him jerk off with your body. You won't have a loving relationship or a good sex life but you'll have a little bit of dignity.

No. 193349

No, you're retarded and he's a creep for expecting you'll do that for him. Get a hotel.

No. 193350

It’s kinda insane that this is such a common occurrence though. I see similar complaints on relationship forums all the time, “my bf/husband’s idea of initiating sex is poking me with his dick and he doesn’t get me off” or something to that effect. Most guys I’ve dated have been like that too. There’s obviously way too many men who act like this and it’s not always easy to figure out at the beginning of the relationship. I think so many women look for advice on this similar situation because it’s just so common. If almost every guy you’ve dated has used you as a fleshlight, I can understand wanting the solution to be “communication” rather than just breaking up.

No. 193355

Can you even call 2,4 hours long distance? That's pretty close. LDRs usually mean you're from a different country and can't meet basically anytime.

No. 193359

Been in a similar scenario. One sided sex life where I went a long time without an orgasm, certainly wasn't faking them either and it never occurred to him to please me or look after that in return. Hinting fell on deaf ears. Downright demanding it made me feel gross when in reality I was a league above this guy looks wise.

You shouldn't have to demand pleasure. He should automatically care enough to do it. I understand that you FEEL like he totally loves you (been there) but his actions clearly say otherwise and I would listen to those actions more than his words. He is right now damaging you and leaving you with issues that are likely to impact your sex life with future partners too. Leaving sooner rather than later is best. Don't let him further demean you by having to beg for simple consideration while he just takes what he wants. Its fucked up and when you get away from him you'll have the headspace to see that.

No. 193362

>he loves me and cares about me
>he is not that interested in my enjoyment.
It's one or the other anon

>he wakes me up poking me with a boner and fucks me while I starfish but I'm scared I'll appear too pervy and needy asking for what I want

get some self respect

No. 193366


he messaged me first saying "i hope everything is ok, that there's no hard feelings" ? i've spent the entire week since we broke up miserable and crying, and he sends me this shit
>no hard feelings
is he just trying to taunt me? attempting to appear like the bigger man or something? why even bother sending a message like this. no i'm not okay.
i'm even more confused now?

No. 193370

Yeah you're not okay but what is he supposed to do or say then? Be your therapist when he's your ex? You're no longer in a relationship with him, he's civil and wants to leave things on good terms but doesn't otherwise have any moral obligation to soothe your feelings. Stop contacting him (or letting him contact you) and focus on yourself.

No. 193394

You're already a week into this and like you said in your earlier post you need to get this done. Don't go back now.

You're super emotionally invested and he's not. Even the language of 'hope there's no hard feelings' isn't hitting the mark when you're heartbroken. You said this was very surface level and it honestly sounds it on his end. Stay strong and resist replying even if he's attempting to be civil. You're at risk of just repeating the last week of pain all over again.

No. 193428

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My bf of nearly two years wants us to find an apartment together and I’m very apprehensive. I’m just a big wuss who’s never lived away from home so I worry about my parents being lonesome without me, myself missing them, not knowing how tf to live on my own/with someone who isn’t family… I also worry about no longer being able to save money. I make shit money but I’ve been able to save up since I still live with my parents at 26 (I know that’s probably embarrassing lol).

I know I have to move out eventually and it’s a way to advance our relationship, but I just have a lot of anxiety over it. Has anyone else dealt with this when moving in with a significant other or am I just an immature retard in this regard?

I am also concerned that due to this apprehension, our relationship might suffer if I find myself unable to handle a big change like this.

No. 193429

:((emoticon use)

No. 193439

Honestly this is a good opportunity to see how your bf handles negative emotions. Will he step up and be extra reliable to assuage your fears, or will he disregard your feelings and pressure you into moving anyway? Just talk to him and see how he handles it. I know you feel like you just have to put up with the anxiety because it's your "problem" but any partner worth their salt will help you work through it. You are supposed to be a team and this is a life-changing event that concerns the both of you.

No. 193445

Maybe you should try living on your own first, even if just for half a year. I don't think it's good to miss out on the experience of living on yourself.

No. 193451

No. 193452

File: 1624219201200.png (10.98 KB, 1200x1200, 1200px-Greek_lc_mu.svg.png)

how do I know if he browses /mu/

No. 193455

what's making you ask this question, anon?

No. 193456

It’s sad that anon can’t see how ironic this is too. “I’m afraid to ask him to make me feel good because that’s perverted.” Uh, why on earth do you think that? Are you caught up in the Madonna/whore complex yourself and think it’s not ladylike to enjoy sex? If the positions were reversed and you were the one getting off and he never orgasmed do you think you’d ever be hearing the end of it? It’s truly a willful desire not to see how cruel these men are. And it is disturbingly common, this and worse. For anons wondering if a situation where they’re being sexually used by a man is normal, listen to this video. Yes, it’s normal. But no, it’s in no way healthy or loving. I wish the answer was as simple as communication but men like this are too depraved to care and they will never change.

No. 193457

he's a loner, broadly acts virgin-adjacent, and is a massive music snob that always know the newest shit. he's also ugly but sexy.as am I, without the latter part

No. 193458

Ask him if he has rym or last.fm

No. 193459

well then he probably does or did in the past, there's no way around that board, unfortunately. Maybe if he preferres listening to albums rather than seperate tracks, knows about Scaruffi, or if he has a last.fm, bandcamp or rym account, those could be telling.

No. 193461

No. 193462

Anon I don't think you're immature, I think these are normal fears and it's important to be thinking about these things instead of just rushing into something because it's the "next step." I'm actually about the same age as you and was living with my Grandma until I moved in with my bf just a month ago. I had a lot of the same worries since I had never lived away from home and don't make a lot a lot of money either. What helped was my bf and I talking about things and making sure we were on the same page when it came to finances, chores, alone time, date nights, location, etc. We figured what worked for us. I also made plans to visit my Grandma often. I admit the first week after the move was really hard for me, I felt very uncomfortable and anxious and worried I made the wrong decision. But by the second week I already started to feel more comfortable and I'm really happy for the newfound independence and being able to build a life with my bf and spend more time with him. If those are things you want too, then I think you will be able to push through and make things work by talking through your worries with your bf, but of course you should also think about if living together is something you really want or if it's just something you feel pressured to do.

No. 193519

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Has anyone else's lack of coping with intense horniness ruined relationships? When I get really giggidy and my bf isn't I would get pouty and it would ruin both our moods. Sometimes I take the rejection well and find something else to do, sometimes I cry, usually I masterbate in self-pity. It's gotten to the point where my bf thinks I think of him as a piece of meat only, and not someone I'm genuinely in love with, which was also the start of my previous relationship's death kneel. It's not like we're in a dead bedroom, we fuck like 3-4x a week, which should be enough but not for my dumb clit apparently.

I've decided to take up another hobby (embroidery) to funnel my sexual energy into something artistic and fulfilling, but if anyone has any other tips to calm my horny ass down I would love to hear them.

No. 193521

I always hear excercising the horny away as a tip kek

No. 193535

Yeah I used to be like that too. I had a higher sex drive than him and would get overly disappointed if he didn't feel like it (or more commonly, his dick didn't feel like it). I had to learn to not get as pouty because it only makes things worse, it's obviously not his fault or something he should feel bad about, and if anything a bad reaction like that can cause him to be less horny in the future.
Anyway there's nothing wrong with masturbating to get the horny to calm down a little. As long as you don't take it out on him/get emotional it's fine to fix it like that. Other than that maybe go for a run or a workout? Since that gives more of a release for physical tension as well.

No. 193541

Instead of demanding sex, maybe you can try to build the mood? You can seduce him too, in a more indirect way.
Cooking is a good way to improve yourself and it's satisfying. It can be really time consuming too.

No. 193560

>maybe if he prefers listening to albums rather than separate tracks
Off topic but I do this, is that a bad thing?

No. 193561

It makes sense/is intended that way often. It's just a kind of borderline circlejerk at this point. Just don't be dick about it

No. 193563

hahahahahaha. deal with it please. i havent had sex in months. you sound weak to me. i would love to have sex twice a week but i’m lucky if i get it twice a month, in the entire duration of the relationship. just neglect ur sex drive, it will go away… eventually..

No. 193567

Same boat anon. Lived with my parents like apple pie until I was 23, then the virus hit and my bf and I decided to live together. tbh a year down the line I STILL cry about missing my parents. And if you're as sensitive as me then you will miss them forever. But the independence you get from being away with them is also so liberating, every time you see them again for visits it makes it so worthwhile. Also you will see your parents growing too, in my case, my fam actually decided to finally buy their own place after 23 years lmfao.
So dont worry, fate is putting you on the right course.

No. 193569

Fuck this is a good idea, thank you. I needed to start lifting more anyway. With this new motivation I'll get so fit in time for our vacation next month, lol.
I do a lot of cooking as it is but I guess I'll finally start to make work lunch at night (when I usually get horny.) Thanks for the suggestion!

No. 193580

I know my ex was a selfish and immature person but I'm still not over him after nearly 5 years. In these years I have not tried to contact him and have not seen his social media or anything like that, but I still miss him so much almost every day.
I try to tell myself he probably got balder and fatter since we were together and that he surely hasn't changed for the better but it barely helps. The only thing that helps a little is to try to focus on 2d men instead.
What else can I even do? See a therapist? (for the record he would never take me back so that's not an option anyway)

No. 193582

Make new memories, get a new hobby, stuff like that. It fades eventually.

No. 193584

The thing is I've actively tried that and also been in other (unhappy) relationships since then. I'm at a loss.
Sometimes I dream about him and it just makes me so happy I was able to see him again it's like being drugged for hours after waking up (in a good way). There is no way this is healthy and I wish I didn't feel this way.

No. 193587

See a therapist. You’re experiencing grief and you need to find ways to cope and move on. It’s been five years, so obviously trying to do it by yourself isn’t working. A CBT therapist and psychiatrist combo helped me move on from my long-term relationship ending, so I think it would also help you tremendously.

No. 193630

I never actually thought of it as grief for some reason, though it totally is. It feels weirdly validating to think of it that way, so thanks.
I can't afford a therapist right now but I hope I can soon.

No. 193658

What made him so special? Asking seriously. Typically when you hyperfixate on someone it’s because they provided something you really crave in your life to the point you end up overlooking all their terrible traits. For example I was really torn up over a lost friendship because they were my only source of deep intellectual conversation at the time. Once I got into a more fulfilling career and interacting with creative types again I basically stopped thinking about them entirely. Not always so cut and dried of course but it can helpful to think about what it is precisely you’re missing and how you can go about creating it for yourself.

No. 193677

I am dating my best friends younger brother. we have been together for two and a half years and a few months into our relationship we started having a game night every Saturday with his friends which became my friends too. I realized pretty early on that during these game nights I didn't really want to hang out with my boyfriend, I wanted to hang out with one of his best friends. I feel like I'm too deep into this crush to get out of it at this point. my boyfriend and I do the same things all the time and I'm very bored of all of it. i feel obligated to stay because I've been with my boyfriend for years and I don't want to hurt him more than I already have. I don't know what to do because regardless of which way the relationship goes, I will end up with no one since everyone involved in the same social circle. my boyfriend has had the same friends since high school and I've only recently been brought in so I would be the one to be kicked out. I want to be with my boyfriends best friend instead and I don't know how to fix it.

No. 193680

>my boyfriend and I do the same things all the time and I'm very bored of all of it
you just answered your own question anon.
Honestly I think both men and women go through this when you meet your significant others friends. I think its the thrill of meeting new people who are kind of similar to your partner, but without the boredom of long term habits. Honestly it goes away and its basically just a test in my books. You should consider doing less 'game nights' with your bf and his friends and do much more together. Its a myth that spending time apart brings you closer, its quite the opposite actually. Spend more time together and learn to love him. You also seem quite young, so even if you were to leave your current bf for this friend, you'd probably act like this again with him. You're more infatuated and bored of your current relationship than you are in a worldly crisis.

No. 193681

2 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things and if you stay 3 years will feel like forever and then 4 years like an eternity etc etc and you'll feel trapped. Cut your loss now, no one is entitled to your love if you don't feel it. If his mate likes you let him come to you, don't start pursuing him because it just looks bad. I've hooked up with friends of my exes once the break up was done and didn't get hated because I made a point to make it look like I didn't dump the ex for the guy. Even see if you can have a good terms break up and still be friends so you can hang out with the other guy lol

No. 193689

Life is too short, cut the chord and end it. Ik another anon suggested that it might be the boredom but it could also be a deeper reason. What does this 'friend' have that your boyfriend doesn't? My ex was a huge scrub with no ambition and he wasn't extremely attractive so his friends with jobs and career prospects automatically seemed like better options. My disdain for his lack of motivation and his unattractiveness was manifesting in me looking at other guys as potentials. You might have a similar deeper reason behind your crushing. If you do break up then give yourself time to be single if you need it, you might even figure out that his "friend" isn't such hot shit either and that quarantine + only hanging with this group has made you adjust your standards.
After a terrible short fling of a relationship with a dude who raped me, my first LTR bf was in the same friend group and ime it's awkward for the guys. I'm guessing your bf didn't rape you though, my ex hated the first guy after learning about how he raped me. The first guy ended up fucking off out of the friend group all the while complaining/whining about how I ruined everything for him. The majority of friend group drama will be between them. You can't control your feelings. It's up to you to decide if this is worth it. Imo you might want to break up but do you really want to date this dude? Or does he just look better atm because your bf is lacking? In my case the second relationship ended up being much longer and more meaningful than the first (although not perfect, at least he didn't rape me). And lots of people have this friend group issue happen although I can't say it always ends well. If you're really unhappy deep down then just go for it. Again, life is short. If it doesn't work out then at least they're HIS friends and not yours so you won't have to deal with the fallout of it. You can make other friends. As for having to 'leave' the friend group? That's pretty normal babes. Nobody wants to be around their LTR ex all the time.

No. 193692

I've only had one LTR (and one sex partner). My ex and I used to do tons of foreplay with him eating me out to completion every time (except period sex ofc). All of these stories are scaring me man. To be fair my ex was terrible in bed when we first got together and I trained him to be better along with myself (I was a virgin, he wasn't). But unlike the op's bf he actually cared about my pleasure; it probably takes a certain type of guy to actually want to improve sex.
Makes me feel like I did other women a favor for improving our sex life at that time but also making him learn how to pleasure a woman for his future sex partners. Ofc I'm not the only one who has done this, it's just a joke.

No. 193697

>Makes me feel like I did other women a favor for improving our sex life
You don't have to play it off as a joke nona, truly most men are utter shite at sex unless a woman takes the reigns and teaches them otherwise. It was the same with my ex. He never quite got the hang of oral but he did understand the meaning of foreplay and learned how to use his hands before the end. But yeah, even having a man that is willing to take instruction (and continue to do so) can be a rarity. Just do your best vetting someone's personality for a while before getting intimate.

No. 193707

Happy to make you feel a bit better. If you're up to it, look into your local university therapy center. All of my counseling went through there and all I had to pay was $20 every time I saw them (weekly.)

No. 193710

this is good advice, but handle it with care. Sorry that you went through that anon.
>You can’t control your feelings
I only have a tiny issue with this. Yes, you can’t control your initial feelings since they happened already, but you somehow can influence their further development to a degree. This might not be easy for anyone, but look at your crush towards this person like a tiny sapling that you can feed with different nutrients. If you feed it with romantic dream castles and Idealization it will only grow stronger and you will have an increasing chance for it to grow above your head making you obsess about it. In this scenario the plant gets fertilized too much and grows too strong too fast, causing potential problems because it didn’t have enough time and care to grow at a healthy pace.
Don’t get me wrong, crushes are nice I love them and seriously I’ve somehow crushed on almost all of my friends because I love them. But no fucking way would I start something romantic with them because I’d rather value them as friends than as romantic partners, and tbh all of them (as all people) have some issues which may be a huge turn-off to you after you get over the honeymoon phase or the crush weakens because you have a better time with something else and the plant didn’t get much nutrients for s while. Idk for me close friendship is a feeling quite similar to being in love, but admiration and the acknowledgment that someone’s handsome or smells good are pretty normal, like crushing is normal if you’re surrounded by good people (depends on your judgement tho) and not everyone you initially crush on might be a suitable romantic partner.

No. 193767

I thought he was a smart person who had the ability to solve problems in ways that I could not comprehend. I don't exactly think I'm stupid by comparison, but the way I do things is entirely different. I actually feel really ashamed to say I admired him, because I'm not one to hand out admiration.
We were similar in some ways but different enough that I thought our personalities were complimentary. Mutual friends apparently shipped us on the down low. He was constantly joking and far more outgoing than me. I have a tendency to come across as standoffish but he never thought that about me and we were friends for a few years before being together so I really thought it meant something. It wasn't some love at first sight situation, anyway. Our relationship had always been weirdly close and distant at the same time, which made it not too overwhelming to me, though it makes me wonder if I just never did a very good job of showing I cared. It feels dramatic to say but when we broke up it really felt like part of me had been taken away.

No. 193790

Thanks anon for your sympathies and for making that point, I said that bit about feelings quite carelessly. Kek. Maybe I’m just superstitious but imo emotions always have deeper/underlying meaning or a message behind them. I’m not even an emotional person, I only had this realization after I noticed how not confronting my emotions/issues was resulting in other problems. In my case with crushes it was my ex’s inadequacies that made me want more. I didn’t have to act on that crush and break up to date his friend and thankfully I didn’t. Ultimately what it could be is that OP’s bf is lacking in something and that’s why she’s looking at other prospects and seeing them as relatively better. I think the best advice is to break it off, take time, and see if the feelings for his best friend are still there.
I hope we get an update from you anon in a few months letting us know how you’re doing. >>193677 Good luck.

No. 193793

This is more about a male friend/coworker who may or may not have a bit of a crush on me but when a guy suddenly withdraws and seems to be taking space is it best to let them be and let them come to you again? He was really soppy last week and affectionate and he's seemed down this week and withdrawn and I want to respect that. We still have comaderie but I know nothing about guys and I assume that by letting him stew on whatever it might be, he will talk more again over messages when he feels ready? he used to message me a lot but since a few days ago he's seemed down and introverted at work and he doesn't message much at all. He might have things going on but it was really hard to not feel like he was angry at me and then I got confused because last week things seemed so okay. What do you guys do to let them feel comfortable coming to you? I'm scared if I completely cold turkey it, he might just stop taking the time to but maybe I'm overthinking and he'll be back to talking more when he feels like it.

No. 193801

So he's interested in you, acted sappy for a while, and during that time you continued to treat him as nothing more than a friend. You're not wrong to do so in any way, but it's not really surprising that he might be feeling bummed about his feelings not being reciprocated. It's likely better for both of you that he tries to maintain more space, otherwise he's just going to keep holding out hope for something that's not going to happen. I'd say let him be and if he feels he can maintain an actual friendship rather than a "waiting for her to realize how much she loves me" situation, then he can decide that for himself. Although most men always keep a measure of "maybe she'll fuck me someday" in the back of their minds with female friends even when they're already in relationships. They're not the best to invest too much of your time/emotional energy in, especially when you know they're crushing on you.

No. 193802


I was sappy back and cuddled him! if anything I was worried I'd scared him off, sorry if I didn't give enough information. Maybe he's reluctant because we're colleagues and it's probably taboo to like your colleague in my line of work

No. 193803


that being said I will take your advice on that last part, thank you dear anon

No. 193805

Oh so you are interested? Then yes, I'd still let him approach, if at all. Getting involved with a coworker is definitely murky territory and always a risk if things don't work out. And honestly if he can't muster the courage to respectfully approach you regarding something more then he's not worth your time anyway. A good person isn't going to suddenly stop liking you because you returned their affection unless they're unhinged. Just take care of yourself, I don't know if he could make your life harder if you did date and things ended poorly, but you don't want to put your job/finances in jeopardy.

No. 193828

If he was closed off and introverted in general at work, and not just to you, he probably has stuff going on in his life.
Guys are weird in that they never open up about their personal problems even if they want to.
At the least, ask him if he's doing alright, 'because you seemed a bit sad lately'. At worst/best, he'll say he's "fine", but inside he'll be glad to know you cared enough to notice and ask. Don't try to push him further than that because it could lead to him unintentionally letting go of bottled-up emotions.
At best/worst, he might open up about whatever has got him like this.

Or yeah, you can wait, and probably nothing will change, but this is a good opportunity to let his feelings blossom beyond 'I wan fug dat'

No. 193838

I think I remember you, were you the anon with the work - husband type relationship, then you got drunk together and cuddled at your house and then he cried because the cuddling was nice? Then he stopped talking to you? If so, you're being dense. He's embarrassed, he likes you and it's hard that you don't like him back so he's withdrawing.
This was always going to happen if you're "just really good friends!" with a guy.

No. 193876

I kinda feel like begging my ex-boyfriend to get back together. I'm so confused. I think I'm spinning out even more because he's not replying to my texts (I know he doesn't have to now that we're broken up) but I just want him to miss me like I miss him.
I don't think there's a relationship advice question here I'm just generally feeling empty and heartbroken most days, and the last thing I need is to "take time for myself" "focus on myself" and all that stuff.

No. 193880

>he's not replying to my texts
STOP texting him. Block him and delete all his contact info. You’re not partners, you’re not friends. The relationship is done, he doesn’t want you. That may sound harsh but even the most incredible women get broken up with, it typically has to do with men’s personal issues unless you cheated on him or stole all his money or something, which I doubt.
>the last thing I need is to "take time for myself"
Right, so you think pining after a man who doesn’t love you is a better use of your time? Come on. It’s okay to feel sad and miserable for a while, everyone agrees break ups hurt and you can’t rush the healing process. But at the least you can stop actively trying to engage with this guy and let yourself mourn the loss rather than trying to contact him, which is essentially picking at the scab so the pain stays fresh.

No. 193944


I am that anon! Since then we've been out a lot and had a lot of heart to hearts….I think I misread him, he was absolutely fine today and it turns out he's barely talked to anyone recently because he's been withdrawn in general, he knows my feelings well, it's okay. I think I overthought it.

No. 193961

How do you look at things objectively after a break up? My first serious relationship ended recently and I can’t help but want to crawl back crying. The whole thing was objectively awful, the guy never made time for me whilst I bent over backwards for him, but I can’t help but hyper focus on all the good things like how he made me feel when we were together and how good it felt to care for someone and how attractive he was and how he made me cum. I’m an extremely lonely person so now he’s gone it feels awful, I feel like he was a catch and I should’ve clung harder because nobody will ever want me. How do I develop better self esteem and learn to be okay alone? Honestly I feel like I’m going insane, I keep having to stop myself from checking my phone all the time in case he changed his mind or drunkenly texting him that I miss him. I feel deeply humiliated from the whole affair, he isn’t that great of a man for me to feel so intensely heartbroken but I guess love isn’t logical. I wish I didn’t have such an intense craving for love and acceptance from stinky moids.

No. 193962

I think there should be a different thread to contain the online bf sperging.

No. 193970

File: 1624474959965.png (72.77 KB, 682x264, Screenshot 2021-06-23 at 19.59…)

I'm fucking done with this. I'm WGTOW

No. 193973

Yet men still insist that women are initiating divorces because they're hypergamous and think they can do better

No. 193977

Do you have the rest of the article? I'm curious about men's reasons. Bet it's 'she got fat' or 'she doesn't want to fuck me after we had kids even though she's running around after toddlers 24/7 while I play video games'.

Men will insist women hit the wall and can't get men and in the next breath are insist that married women everywhere are trading up lmao. Seems obvious that the person initiating a divorce is usually the wronged party, and that most women are desperate to avoid the stigma of divorce/single motherhood and only leave if they absolutely have to.

No. 193978


Yes, it's from a British solicitors.


Honestly I'm seriously re-considering my relationship after this.

No. 193981

I understand how you feel. Who initiated the breakup?

No. 193984

>However, the men interviewed seemed to be a little more vague when describing their reasons for divorce, with almost half admitting that they found it difficult to come up with reasons for the split – 42% of men described ‘growing apart’ as the biggest reason for a failed marriage.
Kek. "Idk really, she stopped treating me like her child and master as she started thinking for herself and I want to find another girl I can groom to be my bangmaid again…"

No. 193986

Yep, exactly this. I am actually sick of being a pathetic handmaiden lol

No. 193988

Write a list of every bad thing he did and his negative qualities, then go ahead and write one that lists his good traits as well. When I broke up with my ex the bad side was literally like 5x as long as the good one. There were some things I liked about him sure, few people have literally zero good qualities, but clinging to that stuff and trying to convince yourself that's the "real" him beneath the bad is a lost cause. He's just mostly shit. And yeah, work on developing self respect. Once you do it becomes embarassing to think about how you tried to convince an idiot who doesn't even respect himself to do the same towards you. People either recognize your worth or not. You feel upset by the loss of your dream of who you wanted him to be rather than the man he actually was. Check out this book for some helpful exercises to build your self esteem: http://libgen.rs/book/index.php?md5=1DDFD9D88A74F72181C80398997C4137

No. 193989

I basically pushed him into breaking up by getting him to admit that he can’t give me what I deserve

No. 193992

He wasn't my online bf but okay? Where did you even get that from

No. 193994

Lol did we just get out of the same relationship? Eerie. Anyway I don't know what to tell you, my ex won't even text me back now, he hasn't been online in days, either he's hiding his status from me or decided to just stop opening his messenger app(?). Kinda makes it hard to beg him to get back together if he won't even bother replying to the last message, so at least that sort of helps/doesn't help.

No. 193995

Lol I think there’s just an abundance of garbage males about. I understand completely that compulsion to beg for him back but you have to remember that you broke up for a reason. I feel really sad though I miss him so much :( if you want to rant or talk about it I can post a throwaway(don't use emoticons)

No. 193996

Yeah you can post it for sure, our situations are so similar I'm sure venting will help

No. 193997

hope discord is okay loo#1083

No. 194016

File: 1624488956827.gif (1.24 MB, 400x267, 485684844.gif)

boyfriend wants me to call him "daddy", i thought he was joking at first, but he kept bringing it up so I asked him why and he just said he doesn't know. Now what? I'm uncomfortable with it and I thought if i asked he'd give me a good explanation as to what about it turns him on so I could feel comfortable with it/reassured/at ease/etc. but now i'm at a loss. Hopefully he doesn't bring it up again (although he kept pushing it even after i said i thought it was gross), but does anyone else think it's weird? I'm touchy when it comes to mixing words children call their parents especially bc of my childhood trauma that involved a blood relative that was also my father figure…… never called him that but it still hits close to home bc i think of incest. The worst part of all is that my boyfriend is very nurturing and i kind of want to call him it bc i feel very provided and cared for. Yet it still somehow feels gross, I guess this is mostly to vent about how disappointed i am that he wasn't able to convince me to call him it, I'm more put off than before, I feel if I ask him again he would have thought of what to say by now…

No. 194029

You aren't weird anon. My ex wanted that too and later he turned out to like lolicon and have pedo tendencies. Not saying that all men who want to be called daddy are like that though, i suppose he could see it differently. But the fact that he kept wanting you to do it after you said you didnt want to is a bit concerning.

No. 194030

>he kept pushing it even after i said i thought it was gross

He's shit. He's even worse if he knows about your father figure trauma but is insisting anyways. You can find a bf that won't pressure you into things to make him coom. Sexually healthy men respect boundaries.

No. 194031

This. Imo even just wanting to be called "daddy" is a reason to break up with him, but the fact that he's trying to pressure you into it means he belongs in an incinerator. Someone who is nurturing and caring doesn't do that shit.

No. 194032

Thanks a lot for this, it makes me feel a lot better. I suppose we’re lucky to have family we love so much we’re worried about such things. If my concerns persist I’ll have to talk to my bf about them. I’ve shown my parents the apartment we’re going to look at and they’re very supportive so that has made me feel a bit better. Again, thank you for your response. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone in these concerns.

No. 194035

sorry to hear that, how was it that you found out? And I think he kept pressuring me because he saw me hesitantly saying no, bc again, i kind of wanted to. Idk if i've watched so much porn in the past it's became sort of normalized, i feel like everyone is fine with it and i'm only grossed out because of my experience and maybe he's like everyone else and doesnt think much of it
he doesn't know, although i've sort of implied. he doesn't know it was a relative/person supposed to be taking care of me, i've been vague.

No. 194036

Yep. No respect for boundaries, common among worthless scrotes. If they don't listen and respect you the first time you say "no" they're not going to after the 20th time, or they may shut up but they'll still simmer in resentment and seek other ways to get you to cross lines you don't want to cross. You can't trust this guy. It would be one thing if he asked once, gave a reason for it (even a stupid one) and anon initially said no but later thought about it and decided it was fine. Not okay for him to continually whine and pester her about it when she's clearly stated it's gross and said nothing more on the topic.

No. 194192

File: 1624590777324.jpg (32.84 KB, 540x514, 1619741528160.jpg)

I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for several months now. I truly love him, and I know he loves me as well, we're very close. But lately we've been spending less time together because he got a job that doesn't line up well with my schedule (I'm getting an early morning job soon myself) but I'm having a difficult time adapting to it. I struggle with fears of abandonment severely due to past trauma (childhood issues + past abusive relationship) and am terrified he's going to leave me because his needs are potentially not getting met due to wonky schedules. He always reassures me he won't leave, that he's with me forever, but it's like this feeling is eating away at me. It gives me a lot of anxiety and weighs heavy on my heart, I really hate it. I don't know how to cope with it and I think my irrational fear is putting a damper on our relationship. I think branching out and finding some other social outlets may help me a bit but I really just want to be a good girlfriend and I worry I fail at that. I just don't know how to deal with relationship anxiety after my past abuse, which while I have healed a lot from it, honestly I don't feel have fully 100% healed. I'm in therapy trying to work through things which helps but in the meantime I really am so terrified my weird paranoid behavior and inability to cope is going to run my boyfriend off. Anons with abandonment issues + anxiety, please help, any advice on coping with this fear would be greatly appreciated so I can stop (probably) annoying the shit out of him with my constant need for reassurance.

No. 194197

Anon, visualize putting all your worries into a mental box and just.. let it go. Your rational brain knows he's not going to go anywhere, and I promise he won't. You're right that you need to find some sort of activity/hobby/social outlet to fill your time, because I think if you have time to worry to the point of borderline obsession then you have too much free time

No. 194213

Nonnie your boyfriend having a job with a time inconvenience doesn’t mean he will slip away from you. If you know you truly love each other you will both be able to triumph this and get through it together. Lots of healthy couples don’t see each other so often because of these aspects in life.

I live two hours away from my boyfriend and we are always busy, but when we see each other it’s like a dream and some day we will be living together and we don’t have to stress about seeing each other (sorry for this blog).

No. 194224

you don't need to be 100% healed to be worthy of love. moreover, it's possible that you might never feel 100% healed, but that's perfectly normal and okay.

No. 194258

I was molested by my father when I was a toddler and the thought of calling a man 'daddy' during sex makes me want to hurl, even though I can rationalise why other people might do it etc. I think your apprehension is normal - if you're grossed out and don't want to, then tell him that you don't want to. If he can't respect that then you have bigger problems. If he wants you to call him that to feel 'reassured' but all it's doing is making you decidedly not reassured, what's the point?

No. 194301

Fellow bippie speaking in good faith: you have only been together a few months, you should be careful when demanding so much reassurance and promises of permanence. You'll scare him away if you continue like this.

I know the bad schedules are starting to scare you, but actually, that scarcity can be good for a relationship and keeps things fresh.

Keep it all in perspective, nonny.

No. 194305

That anon should get better for her own well-being and happiness, and not out of fear of "scaring him away." Honestly I think situations like this are a good test of whether a man can be reassuring and reliable or if he's only sticking around when things are good. Not saying anon should burden him with all her emotional problems, but he should also take some measures to make sure she feels secure.
>that scarcity can be good for a relationship and keeps things fresh.
If you find the right person that isn't true.

No. 194372

any other women here that only go for men one year younger or older than them or the same age? i feel like maybe i'm cutting out a lot of people from my 'dating pool' like this but at the same time i'm just disinterested and frankly disgusted with age gaps.

No. 194374

Once men hit their late 20s I find it hard to distinguish their age until you get to know them lol. Always find it weird when I thought there was potential in someone a few years younger. I don't like that lol

No. 194377

Yup, for me it's 3 years. I'm 25 and dating someone that's 30 just feels off putting and I see anyone that's youger than me as a "child" when it comes to dating.

No. 194379

I've got two little brothers, which is why I find dating a man who is more than a year younger than me disgusting.

I do not know how some women can date men who are 3 and more years younger than them when said men are in early 20s (eg 20-23) when they all are brainwashed by Reddit, are Elon Musk / JP praisers and don't have any hobby outside videogames.

No. 194383

I hate age gaps too. My max as a 24 yr old is -1/+3 years. Dating someone in their late 20s and 30s feels wrong to me since we're probably at different stages of life, and them dating someone much younger makes me wonder if they're attracted to me as a person or more for youth.

On a personal/vanity level I don't like the idea contributing to the idea that men can expect to date much younger women or dating someone who's looks would degrade more rapidly than mine.

No. 194387

Honestly this is one of the reasons why the prospect of dating is just so depressing to me right now. I'm almost 25, and if I want a guy my own age (which I do) I'll have to date him for years until we finally have kids, by then I'll be "old" and according to men he won't be satisfied with me due to my waning looks and loss of youth. The only other choice would be to go for older guys right now which I'm just completely disgusted by, I don't want an older man, I don't want to be his "younger wife", it's all just so fucking disgusting jesus.

No. 194434

Same here. I have a bit more tolerance for the man being younger (by three years max I'd say at my own age) which I think comes from all my female family members hammering into me that the woman has to be the older one from a young age, but upwards only up to one year older than me. I lucked out with a not-even two month age gap.

No. 194521

My question is twofold;

On a first date, I made out with this guy, then said I want to take it slowly. We work in the same place (different departemnts), so I want to tread a little more carefully than how I was acting. Anyway, he texted and said he had a good time and wouldn't be pushy, but since then he hasn't initiated shit. He's said several times to me that he's always available with a little notice, so let him know when I'm available. It feels like i'd be initiating everything though, no? He has absolutely no chill when we bump into each other, so I don't think he's disinterested, but it's kind of offputting and sets a bad precedent.

Additionally, he just won't text me. He'll reply to my questions on availability, but won't make any conversational texts. I will say, he's not good at speaking my native language, so might be uncomfortable (I told him he's welcome to text in his language, I can always translate). But he's close to 40 years old (i'm early 30s), so maybe it's an age/cultural thing. It's just very strange to have the two sides of quite cold/to the point over text, and then warm and excited when we meet in person.

I just kind of think that all these factors in combination might indicate he's only interested in hooking up, or that he isn't invested enough to even make an effort to plan dates. I like him but not really sure where to take this, or even how to express it.

No. 194523

>I just kind of think that all these factors in combination might indicate he's only interested in hooking up
That's the impression I got on reading this. You slowed down the sexual progression so now he's putting in less energy given he's in it for sexual payoff. That's my take.

Usually you can slow down sexual stuff and guys know that's all you meant to slow down on. That he's still meant to act the same in other respects and make an effort if he has any actual dating intentions with you. Given he's 40 he shouldn't be too prone to misreading the situation either. He can't get laid through a text so he won't spend time on texting.

No. 194524

I would go for more than one year but I recently went on a date with a guy who was 6 years older than me, he was nice but I just felt like a little girl and not sexual at all. And in a lesbian dating app I get likes from 18-19 year old chicks(im almost 25), they just look like children to me.

No. 194526

There was a 12 year age gap in my last relationship and I started out thinking we were just fine and that I wasn't working at a disadvantage because of those 12 years… well I had my mind thoroughly changed after finding myself abused and turned into a nervous wreck (all while blaming myself) I would've sworn before then that I'd be one of those people to dip on the very first sign of abuse. I'm not a naturally trusting person and I'm slow to warm to people. I did not think I'd be suckered in by anyone. But he was at an advantage. I get that now.

I can't go there again after that experience. I randomly met a guy lately and I remember mentally ticking a box upon hearing we share the same birth year. That's now a huge pro to me. It was music to my ears.

No. 194552

I met this woman on tinder a while back. We talk everyday over snapchat and things go really smoothly over text. However, both of us have little to no dating experience with women.

She's amazing, we have great banter, we share the same culture and relate on a lot. Due to scheduling conflicts we've only had three in person dates, we have been talking for about two months.

There is a huge difference between our text convos and in person dates. Our in person dates feel a bit awkward and I'm extremely shy. We have not kissed or even held hands yet. I want to progress things, but I get really anxious everytime.

I'm also not sure when is the right time to talk about exclusivity or where our "relationship" is at? Not that I want to enter a relationship at this stage, moreso that we hardly ever talk about things anymore than friends would.

I'm too nervous to bring it up in person but it feels like it might be less meaningful over text. Our last date was a week ago and went well but I left kicking myself over not progressing anything. Additionally, I'm not even sure if we're at the stage to start discussing it yet, considering how awkward our dates go. We still talk and laugh but it all feels very friendly.

How can I progress things without coming on too strong? I'm totally new to this and don't want to miss out because of nerves but also even when I want to hold her hand I start shaking just thinking about it.

No. 194556

Idk anon
>I want to take it slowly
>He takes it slowly

I'd communicate that you want equal initiation. My partner also said he wanted to take it slow, so the only way he felt comfortable in the beginning of our relationship was when he initiated first.

No. 194562

Anon only internet addicts/coomers think women are old and washed up by their 30s, and even they're still thirsty for adult women's attention in the real world. Spend less time online.

No. 194572

>There is a huge difference between our text convos and in person dates. Our in person dates feel a bit awkward
That's normal, it takes time to build rapport in the real world. If you feel stuck right now maybe you could try flirting over text to start? You said you're not sure about wanting a relationship yourself so it feels a bit odd to bring it up before you're ready, but you could at least start taking your conversations in a more intimate direction. Ask her what she's looking for in a partner, if she has any preferences when it comes to looks, what she finds romantic. Not only will that obviously give you more insight into what she likes, it will bring you closer and give you opportunity to take advantage of those facts in a nice way. Like if she says she thinks bracelets are cute on women you can wear one on your next date, or if she thinks picnics are romantic you can set that up for her. But yeah, flirt more.
>Hey so-and-so check out this dress! [send picture]
>Wow it's really cute
>I thought so too. You'd look amazing in it, you have such great legs

>I'm reading a book and this portion made me think of you

>Oh, why?
>This character is so clever, I was reminded of when you did xyz on our last date. I was really impressed.

>I saw this movie scene that was supposed to be romantic and it turned out so lame. What do you think?

>[giving insight into her preferences]
>Yeah I think that would be much better as well. Personally I would've liked [scenario]. It would be great to get the opportunity to do that with you.
Idk maybe I'm shameless but I think flirting is half the fun of dating and being in a relationship kek. Have a good time with it and hopefully not being face to face will make it easier for you to start. How she reacts to comments like this will be a good indicator of whether she's receptive or not, although I'm willing to bet she will be since she obviously enjoys interacting with you and has continued going on dates. And if she reacts positively that should give you more confidence to proceed in person. She's probably feeling shy too since you're both inexperienced, so don't be afraid to take the next step. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

No. 194586

Ye girl, I'm like that too. My last ex was 2 years younger than me but we were in similar life stages aka university students. Now that I'm not a student but a full time worker at 27, I'd only consider people who fall between 26 - 28. Now that I think about it, I've only had relationships with people my age or slightly younger (by 1 or 2 years), never older.

No. 194596

Avoiding some personal info obviously, but any advice would be appreciated

I'm gonna be applying for common law spouse in a couple of months with my boyfriend of five years. We're both excited but worried about what I'll do for the time being. It's gonna be about 4-6 months for a work permit to go through so I won't have much to do time wise. Money isn't a huge issue, but I would like to be more frugal during this period. Anyone have ideas for me to do during this time that won't drive my boyfriend insane or me going stir crazy?

No. 194602

I could really use advice on how to feel cute and like myself again.

My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me because he had an emotional affair and "fell in love" with some girl he had met a few months prior. Our breakup was super long and dragged out (i.e trying to "work on things" but I was the only one putting in effort) and the last few weeks have taken a toll.

I feel like I eventually wanna get back out there and meet people, but honestly he's left me feeling so undateable and boring. I've also let my skincare/preening routine go a little bit so I feel ugly and the self-esteem is super low. Wanted to poke around for tips on how I can feel like I'm worth putting myself out there again I guess?

Also… god does everyone cheat? The girl he wanted to dump me for was engaged.

No. 194624

kinda random idea but if you're ok at writing, ypu could try submitting articles to web media sites like buzzfeed, polygon, etc. Many of them accept freelancer proposals and its surprisingly not that hard to get published although the pay is pretty low. Your topics can be pretty basic too like just "top 10 epic sonic moments" or "these 10 danish products are hella hygge" type stuff (the exact topic depending on the site ofc lol), just basically trying to imitate the type of stuff they already publish. Might take some tries but its a nice resume bulletpoint if you get a couple things published.

No. 194664

I haven't really been texting my boyfriend the past few days because I feel terrible and whenever I acknowledge I feel terrible, he just ignores me because he "doesn't know how to respond". It without fail always makes me feel shittier, hence why I've been keeping it to myself. My bf noticed my lack of responses so he asked me why and said I don't have anything constructive or acceptable to say and it's true, I feel like I don't. I explained I feel like I have a select amount of things to text him about. All he responded to that was that he was sorry I felt that way and nothing else. I said I'd try to talk more and all that and that I loved him and he didn't really respond. I feel so doomed when it comes to talking about feelings with him, if I explain I feel bad, it becomes a thing about how I'm making him feel bad and I honestly just wish I had a person who would listen, I don't have anyone else i.e. a friend, but I can't say how I think and feel and I feel like he doesn't care. On paper our relationship is good, I just feel so alone emotionally and mentally in it. I'm posting this here because I'll trying texting more today and acting like I'm okay, but I don't know how to navigate this.

No. 194667

i've been in this situation a few times and the right person with the right amount of emotional intelligence will at least empathize and try to cheer you up in SOME way rather than just say they don't know and blame it on you. don't act like you're ok because it will only put you in a shitty cycle. he wants to text you more but only when you can provide him entertainment as if you're a robot or something, and then you are blamed for it. he isn't worth texting and maybe not even being with if he can't feel empathy for his literal girlfriend

No. 194672

sounds similar to my last relationship that i posted extensively about in the last thread with my ex that was "emotionally withdrawn". i'm gonna say this bluntly because no one ever said it bluntly to me: you're not in a relationship, you're in a situationship with a dude that does not care about your feelings and likely doesn't even have deeper feelings toward you in general. you're there to pass time with each other for entertainment and that's it.

No. 194676

The last guy I dated fell for someone else and afaik it was an emotional affair. I suspect but can't prove it was more than that. She was only recently single too, had been seeing someone for years prior. It takes a toll on your self confidence for sure but one thing Ikeep seeing (more so with men) is how sometimes 'shiny and new' is just that tempting to them. They want to drop off all the years of baggage you have together and just chase the new fuzzy untainted lover instead.

I don't mean this in a bitchy way but looks wise my ex happily downgraded and she also ticked lots of boxes for things that he always told me he absolutely hates in women.. so why would he chose her above me still? Surely my self esteem should be destroyed by those added crappy facts? She's shiny and new. I think it's about that deep sometimes.

No. 194677

Anon your boyfriend sounds emotionally stunted. He can’t do the base-level boyfriend action of supporting you when you feel down? Trying to cheer you up even if he fucks it up is miles better than straight up ignoring you or invalidating your feelings. What about when he feels terrible? I don’t know him so I won’t assume why he’s doing this like the anons above, but like I said this is base-level shit and what he’s doing isn’t normal. There are men who wouldn’t hesitate to comfort you. You aren’t asking for therapy, just basic comfort, so you deserve much better than this crap response and you know it.

No. 194678

Not everyone cheats; not everyone is a piece of garbage.

As for you, be patient and gentle with yourself, focus on your goals (career, hobbies, etc), put romantic/sexual relationships on the back burner for now. Take yourself out to the movies, go on a solo trip to a nearby city, rewatch Legally Blonde, get a new haircut, consider therapy to work through your grief. I also went through the same thing you did —long term relationship, got dumped, dragged on the breakup and ended up feeling lost about my identity— but I forced myself into a two-year celibacy that allowed me to focus and be patient with myself. The old you is dead, but you will heal and evolve into a new, wiser, beautiful woman, I promise.

No. 194714

Why are men such retards when it comes to emotional intelligence. Men receive emotional labor from their girlfriends all the time but can't figure out how to imitate that?
I know you said you don't have anyone else but try seeking out irl or online support anyway if "doomp him" isn't an option. Nothing worse than feeling alone when you're in a relationship.

No. 194722

i want to send my ex-boyfriend a text detailing how much i hate him and i hate him for wasting my time and him not being able to invest even half of the feelings and emotions in the relationship that i did and just being so… nonchalant and uncaring after we broke up. but i don't see what the end result would be from that other than him just labelling me as a bitch and stuff.

No. 194724

I dated a guy once who showed me texts like this from his ex. He did it to show me 'how insane' she was… I didn't quite know who to believe tbh. In the end I believed her because I got to experience his bad side myself and her words rang eerily true.

But I remember deciding to never email or text him or any guy anything that could be seen as crazy post break up and used against me. I don't want any man to pull that same shit on me and use my written down feelings to label me as bpd like he did with her. It's too easy to twist that shit when other people don't have context.

No. 194729

this is also true, and i honestly i don't even know if he's the type of person to do that. maybe he is. he never spoke of any of his exes in any way, he hadn't been in a long relationship before apparently but i know he went out with a girl for at least 4 months from what i remember allegedly and he NEVER mentioned her in passing or anything. i wish i knew what happened between them actually, i'm sort of dying of curiousity now.

No. 194765

File: 1624939703572.png (84.82 KB, 361x201, 9bac2989aaf37238d96e6b49634d48…)

I'm not how to break up with my boyfriend. How do you decide between "haha life is short" and "stability?" in the long run? My boyfriend can provide for me the emotional and financial stability I've been craving since I was young. He recently got to this point saying that his reason behind doing things now is just for me, and our future as we progress in a long term relationship (we’ve been dating for two years, we became LDR about a year ago though). It sounds sweet but some of the things he’s been doing has just been driving me up all the wall and were not able to get resolved. A few months back, I considered breaking up with him but he told me that he would just kill himself. Though I know I’m not responsible for his actions, it makes me so scared. It is not that I don’t care for him but I just do not feel that I love him as much to see a future with him anymore for reasons I can’t necessarily state to avoid making this post even longer. He’s just heavily reliant on me. My friends are his friends and he's worried that if I leave him, he won't have that anymore even though I told him they would still be his friends if they’re true friends. I want the best for him but even sexually, I'm just not feeling it at all because I feel like the emotional connection with him has just burned out. I expressed my concerns to him but he said he can just give up sex if I feel too stressed out not having it. He always tends to jump to extremes in order to satisfy the situation, but I told him that’s not healthy. Honestly, I’ve been just stuck in this breakup limbo because I don’t have the courage because I’m scared of him harming himself or doing other extreme things. Now it’s just also awkward because everything is “fine” at the moment between us but this is just been weighing on my mind for weeks and I’m just at a loss of what to do.

No. 194767

He sounds like a selfish cunt. Only narcissists threaten suicide. It's a form of manipulation and you didn't stand up for yourself. So now he's going to threaten it each time. Next time he threatens to kill himself, call the cops. If he wants to fuck around with your well-being and hold you hostage for the rest of your life, show him what happens when he messes with you. Dump the fucker.

No. 194769

Anon I'm so sorry you're going through that, if it ended recently then it's going to take some time. Don't blame yourself for not being 'objective' right now and let yourself grieve. In time you will gain the apathy towards him and your relationship. My relationship was just under 2.5 years and while I started having realizations immediately after the break up, it took around 6 months to a year to feel complete indifference (and disgust) towards him.
Don't do it, moids get off on you caring enough to reach out. You also won't get any closure or answer that satisfies you. Moids are genuinely emotionally unintelligent so the majority are incapable of any deeper self-reflection that would result in a decent response.
Generally some good advice: you can send paragraph texts one after the other with a full psychoanalysis of your male SO with a full treatment plan of "what to do" but the only thing that truly gets through to men is total apathy. Keep in mind that passion behind hate is stronger than love.
Good god this was my ex in a nutshell. GET OUT NOW. Mofo was a creative writing major and yet I was sending him prose and letters thinking he'd reciprocate lol. There's no 'rational' explanation and it will never make sense. Men simply have the audacity not to care and we make excuses for them and even look within ourselves to internalize blame. Imo I think therapy focusing on self-confidence would help as a lot of women have low standards and need to reevaluate their own worth without men's bias added into the mix.
Agreed, why are so many men like this and how do we avoid them jfc? My only relationship resulted in me feeling crazy at times because I cared too much in comparison to how little my ex cared about me and everything else.

No. 194773

fuck anon, hope youre doing much better these days. I feel people that can call their SOs the word luckily had a normal childhood, but it is sort of triggering to hear, despite my perpetrator not even being my dad, it still leaves a sour taste in my mouth because it was still a relative, and even if it wasn't, i can see how I'd still get put off because dads are authority figures responsible for their children, the word is to describe this relationship, i dunno if you get what i mean. However while women with normal childhoods might not think too much into it, I do. I start thinking about why any man would be fine with being called that, or even ask to be called that, it could be for the same reason, they also had normal childhoods and don't think too much of it. I do overthink and take it to mean they may have latent incest fantasies, and I'm hyper-aware looking at every little detail to make sure the guy i'm with doesn't have any sort of chronophilia towards the underaged because i would never want to put my children at even 0.1% risk of living in the same house as this type of men. to say i am paranoid is an understatement.

No. 194776

There's no stability in dating a suicide baiter who jumps to extreme reactions. You already have your doubts and some clear red flags. This ending is inevitable, its just a matter of you taking control and getting it over with while ignoring the death bait.

No. 194783

i think i'm desperate for affection enough to entertain the idea of dating one of my incel friends
i'm laughing at the thought of actually doing it but… it's possibe
i don't think it's a good idea though because i think i'm just going through some sort of mini mental break and searching for a "rebound" and there's a good chance my brain will freak out and do a complete 180 in not so long. also not to mention that he is an INCEL friend, other than the blaring red flags in his personality which might actually be outright dealbreakers, whatever sexual aspect that could be there seems like it would just be… awkward. and not so good.
anonnies what would you do

No. 194784

Download tinder, ignore the incel

No. 194786

>anonnies what would you do
I wouldn't fuck an incel. Not for anything

You already know the answer to everything you're asking here. You'll walk away hating men and feeling frustrated and used if you do go there. Throwing yourself at an incel doesn't lead to them being grateful. They're fundamentally flawed and will only shit on the women who dare to pity fuck them.

Hold out for a normal guy. It'll be worth the wait. You sound like you need to be single and work on your self esteem for a while too tbh. It's healthier to take time out to be single sometimes. Work on other aspects of your life in the meantime.

No. 194791

You're not desperate, you're retarded

No. 194792

Honestly, just make the hard choice and rip the bandaid off. Grayrock them as much as possible afterwards.
I can personally understand the feeling of total decency and hopelessness that hinges on a relationship. And I tell you that you shouldn't feel bad, these people KNOW they are being manipulative. And they DO think of the next step, the next target to leech on, no matter how much they say they won't need it. Suicide is very rarely the absolute answer in someone's mind, especially when it's conditional. It's a sink or swim situation so don't let them pull you down too. Most baiters won't go through with it, the ones who died are mostly accidental BPD tantrum gone wrong. In which case, you should feel only spite for them.

No. 194920


Honestly, thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Though this situation is really upsetting, this really helped me gather up my thoughts and the courage to really address this head on. Please just keep me in your thoughts, anons! Thank you again!

No. 194937

Sorry you had to go through this too, anon. It's miserable. I don't even know what this girl looks like, all I know is he was willing to put everything into a potential relationship with her & just let ours crumble. And that's exactly what happened. I think you're right though. >>194678
I think he's just after the shiny and new aspect of finding someone. I just feel shitty that 7 years together meant absolutely nothing in the end.

Dang, your reply hit me hard. I don't really plan on jumping into a relationship any time soon, he really just completely destroyed my ability to trust and my self-esteem is absolute zero. It just feels like, if being together for years wasn't good enough, am I just not girlfriend material? It's just hard to go and do things for myself when I feel like I'm not really worth the effort. Your reply means a lot though, I know I'm in a funk, but reading your response gives me some hope.

No. 194939

I'm in the same boat as you right now, I want to rage at my ex and tell him how shitty he treated me, how much he wasted my time and effort and threw it back in my face, etc. It is taking every fiber of my being to hold myself back, but I know in the end when I've calmed down and gotten out of this mood, I'll be so grateful that I did.

Don't give him any more of your time or attention. He had that chance and shat on it. When I feel this way, I'll sit down and write it all up in an empty word doc & then delete it when I've finished, read it over, and processed the feelings I had to get out. I'm with you in spirit.

No. 194974

So uh, we all agree polyamory is a millennial meme for ending your relationship in the messiest way possible right?

Because my Nigel and I have been talking about it for years and now things are opening up I'm desperate to have sex with a woman again (I'm bi) and of course he likes the idea because male.

We have a good thing going and idk if it's worth risking for temporary pleasure. But on paper it'd be amazing. Idk what to do.

No. 194976

There are people for whom polyamory / open relationship works, just make sure you communicate honestly always, and then even if you actually do break up, it won't be messy. Just be sure you know what you're signing up here for, as it means your bf sleeping with other woman as well, so will you be fine with that?

No. 194977

Honestly if I'm getting laid outside the relationship I don't care if he does too. But if Im staying home and he's out with someone else that would make me angry or sad. Idk if that's healthy lol.
I've never been a jealous person but I'm very sensitive to rejection.
If I feel wanted and desired I'm good. But I don't know if it's fair to say: you can only have a girlfriend if I do, otherwise it feels like you're choosing someone else over me.

No. 194979

Speaking from my experience, it depends on whom you bring into the “main couple”, if it’s for a threesome it shouldn’t be a friend. But anyways, with my partner we always talked a lot through issues, insecurities and honestly the horniness of having had sex with a woman, made our sex only better.

No. 194983

>But if Im staying home and he's out with someone else that would make me angry or sad.
It's a recipe for a disaster then, don't do it to yourself. This is a very likely scenario to happen and you'll either be really hurt by it or exhausted by making sure you always have a partner for yourself for when that happens. Open relationships and polyamory only works when you're 100% sure of your partner feelings for you regardless of what is either of you doing at the moment.

No. 195002

Stop watching so much porn.

No. 195003

> Because my Nigel and I
Anon are you in your 40s?

No. 195005

Terrible idea on every level. How would you feel if you were in a bad spot and wanted or needed your partner's support, and he just runs off to fuck his new, more exciting girlfriend because you're being a drag?

No. 195007

>would you be allowed to fuck another guy
Yeah I don't foresee that being a problem at all, I'm just fixated on women at the moment so maybe it didn't come across that way. He isn't the jealous type either.

I think you have a good point that my self esteem and the relationship needs to be 100% secure. Part of me wonders if it's even possible though to have a happy healthy poly/open couple. Low key if everyone was actually mature and secure they could just communicate and meet each others needs instead of looking outside the relationship? Our relationship is healthy and we communicate well, so I wonder if this would actually make us happier or if it's a greedy childish fantasy.

I don't watch porn, is that a thing that porn makes you want to be poly? Or are you just calling me a coomer lol

No. 195008

Sorry to samefag but

Lol no, I'm late 20s he's early 30s. I just said Nigel as shorthand for good partner, I guess it's an outdated reference now

In the past I have asked him to sacrifice time with friends for me when I needed it and he did it, no questions asked,no resentment. When I'm being a drag he will be the one to ask me what's wrong and get me to talk it out, we both do that for each other so we don't really leave things to stew or abandon each other when things are difficult.

Do I know if he'll be that attentive when there's a fuck buddy waiting in the wings? I hope so, but I don't know.

No. 195011

I am calling you a coomer yes.
Also I don't trust people who say 'we're both not the jealous type', I'm not saying jealousy is healthy, but a certain degree of traditional, monogamous loyalty goes a long way. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, maybe I'm too young (24) to know any better, but I believe swapping energy with multiple people just isn't cool. Whoever says polyamory is 'fine if done right' is delusional. I could not imagine my bf inserting his penis inside another woman, that's a vulnerable, emotional moment for us, and if he was to share that part of his soul with someone else, I would die.

No. 195023

have a threesome with another woman if you must, but don't bother going down the polyamory road. at best you'll be getting a bit more sex but at worst you'll utterly detonate your relationship from the inside. the cost-reward ratio is unbalanced as fuck. personally I'm not entirely sure I understand your laments; I'm also bi but if I'm in a relationship with someone I don't find myself gagging to fuck the opposite sex, and I certainly don't think I'd throw away an objectively good relationship for the sake of having (most likely mediocre) one night stands with a bunch of people I don't know. just my opinion though.

No. 195024

nta and not disagreeing but
>swapping energy
>part of his soul

No. 195025

Yeah I know, I get really emotional about love lmfao

No. 195028

I thought I got my 'sleeping around phase' out of my system young. Then I settled into a live-relationship and eventually found myself desperate to sleep with a woman while several years into that hetero relationship. I ended things and explored sleeping around again. He wasn't everything that I wanted so I left. It felt more fair than any of the alternatives, in the long run it hurt everyone less.

I've known too many poly people to even go there. It's a total shitshow from what I've seen them go through.

No. 195033

How bad is it if a guy likes Jordan Peterson? On a acquaintance/friendship basis, not romantical.

No. 195035

Its not bad at all. Contrary to popular belief he is a very good psychologist. I read his book and watch his videos, I love his takes on modern society. Just make sure he's not a psuedo incel who thinks they have their shit together.

No. 195036

I mean it depends. If he mindlessly parrots everything Peterson has ever said, then it's a bad sign

No. 195039

This. You can dislike some things he says and like others. He has good advice from a psychologist's standpoint, it's just when he lets things get to his head and when he goes on rants about lobsters it can kind of come out stupid

No. 195041

Hmm, my friend is like mid 20s and has a boyfriend in his 30s. They have FFM threesomes. He seems like a bit of a prick tbh

No. 195045

she sounds like a pickme

No. 195058

It means he ignored basic life advice he probably got from his mom until it came from a man in a blazer, then treated it as revelatory.

No. 195080

If a guy who is close to you and well known for being kind of grumpy rolls his eyes at you jokingly and then pulls you close and says come here to cuddle/hug you, and you're a big old autistic butt like me who's used to feeling annoying, if he's repeatedly made excuses to hold your hand despite suddenly being all weirdly quiet and messaging you less, is he trying to bottle a crush on you?

No. 195081

She is, undoubtedly.

No. 195082

you have to be over 18 to post here kek

No. 195083

It seems kind of obvious
It's difficult to tell when you're an autist

No. 195099


It really is, he's been so weird lately, he used to message me all the time and he's affectionate but when I'm with him now he is almost secretly affectionate like he's holding back but can't, I swear his old coworker and him had some kind of serious conversation and since then he's been so in thought around me im convinced I've fucked up but there's no hate in his eyes just repressed care but suddenly barely messaging me is weird even if he's fine when we spend time in person

No. 195108

I got out of an affectionless relationship 2 weeks ago and I've developed a crush on one of my friends. Our mutual friend is telling me not to make a move on the guy I like because I'd recently got out of a relationship in case I'd just be making up for the shitty breakup. I've never jumped from guy to guy in my life and I don't think of this as a rebound. What should I do?

No. 195114


Honestly, don't. Or at least give it some time to see if the feelings stay the same (like a looot of time). I know it seems exciting and everything, but I did the exact same thing in the past and developed feelings for a guy, while being like a month out of my last relationship. And, surprise, after like two months in I've realized that it WAS, in fact, a rebound, and that I just wanted to be loved and appreciated by someone, anyone. Also, just being in a new relationship so soon brought out a lot of unexpected hurt about the last one, it's a bad situation to be in for everyone involved. Never doing this shit again. You may think that you're over that person, but in fact you haven't given yourself enough time to heal and think and evaluate.

Also not worth risking potentially ruining a friendship over this imo. If all of that wasn't convincing enough, consider this: how would you feel if you knew that your guy friend just had a bad breakup and is making a move on you out of nowhere? Probably not great. There's a high chance that even if he reciprocates, it's constantly going to be on the back of his mind that he's likely just a temporary rebound, and that's not a good foundation for a relationship

No. 195118

I would also add:
>cares about your health and safety

I wouldn't say it's a must but it's nice to have

No. 195120

It also depends on what country you live in, like in the US I wouldn't see it as long distance while in the UK it would probably be considered long distance

No. 195121

I had that same kind of problem with my last ex except he stopped having sex with me in general for the last 8 months of the relationship. I felt so disgusted at myself for wanting to be sexual with him (coming from a person who doesn't masturbates) when he obviously wasn't interested anymore. I found out after the breakup that he was sexually messaging other women while he was with me.

Since then I've been so put off and confused when guys compliment my body and how sexually attracted they are to me. Yet these guys don't want to be in a relationship with me. I would so love to find a balance where someone would be physical and want to be in a relationship rather than just one or the other.

No. 195128

I feel kinda the same but instead it's for a simp friend who I used to have a crush on. He finally kiss me the other day after 2 years ago of wanting him to kiss me. I wouldn't want to date him though because he'll probably live on benefits because of his mental health and he can get too sexual about me. I do care about him and would like to keep the platonic intimacy with him.

No. 195130

Tbh I thought about it and I'm certain it's not a rebound and I don't think he'd have thoughts like that plague his mind but ty anyway

No. 195184

Is my relationship heading to the wrong place?

First, I'll say that my boyfriend and I are both very jealous and possessive people. I wouldn't mind much if he talked to other girls (he has no interest in doing this, though), but he minds if I talk to other people. The more I talk to others, the less he wants to talk to me. He has friends but I don't, and if I want to make new friends I must exclude half the population, since he doesn't want me talking to males. An old (male) friend of mine contacted me and I wanted to ask him to come to my house or have a coffee but my boyfriend got really upset. He has also gotten upset before in the past over me talking to guys or telling him to go to therapy. This got to the point where I feel so dirty talking to other men, guilt consumes me. I think I'll stop contacting men altogether.

We're in a LDR and we have been dating for around three months, but he already wants to marry and is doing the paperwork to come see me. Once we met, we're moving together. Until someone pointed out how nuts that idea was, I never really gave it much thought. It is, indeed, too soon. Not only that, but what if it goes wrong and I'll find myself with no friends, no family, no money, no job, and no college education in a foreign country. He says he would never leave me, and I want to trust him because he's the loveliest man I know but, yeah.

Third issue: He has severe trust issues and paranoia, things he won't get help for since he thinks we should work on it together and that being with me will be enough to "fix" him. I don't think this is quite true.

Another thing, love bombing. Constantly. Never used against me, but it's there. He gives me gifts and compliments 24/7 which is cute and I appreciate but sometimes it makes me feel kind of… off. I don't know, he seems to think I'm perfect which I am not and I just don't want him to get bored of me when he finds out I'm a flawed individual. He says he can't go without me and would kill himself if I weren't there and I even said those things myself before and it used to be cute and romantic but now it's just kind of gruesome.

Sorry for typing so much.

No. 195186

Your relationship is heading to a very wrong place and honestly your BF is terrifying. Since it's LDR just block him and move on before something tragic happens.

No. 195188

>guilt trips
>isolates you
>trust issues
>love bombs
>threatens to kill himself over you

But he's the "loveliest man"..? Please get out now while you can, do not move for him. This 100% will not end well.

No. 195190

I got out of a relationship before where affection and sex dwindled for a while, I was lonely for the last few months of living with him and then he came out about an affair which explained everything. I started to crush on a friend in the few weeks that followed and tbh me moving away put a halt to it and I'm so thankful for that stopping me and allowing me to take time for myself and not chase my feelings away with distraction like that. Two weeks post break up is rebound town. Your feelings of attachment can be easily just tranferred over to anyone else right now and that's not healthy attachment.

I would give it time. I'd process the loss of your last relationship (and any anger left behind) and I'm not even being funny..buy some toys if you need to. Prioritise friends and hobbies. Rushing to get affection after you've been feeling affection starved is undertsandable but this rarely leads to anything healthy or worthwhile. It means you never get to process your feelings, they pile up.

No. 195205

I tried to talk with him about it and he says he's sorry and that he doesn't want to isolate me. Should I trust him?

No. 195209

>but he minds if I talk to other people. The more I talk to others, the less he wants to talk to me. He has friends but I don't, and if I want to make new friends I must exclude half the population
There's no excusing the fact that he ever thought this was ok. No matter what he tells you now he's temporarily BSing you and he'll return to this controlling shit. Run for the hills.

The next 2 paragraphs are also independantly enough to warrant you leaving and never looking back. This man is unwell but he's unwell in the way where YOU will pay for it and suffer 1000 times more than he ever will. Don't pity him, don't believe his words now. Save yourself the pain the will lay ahead if you entertained his shit.

No. 195215

He said he was sorry and that he doesn't want to isolate you but did he talk about how he's going to improve his behavior? Do you feel comfortable now to hang out with other guys or are you still afraid of him being upset if you do? You're only three months in, this is the honeymoon stage of your relationship when guys are usually on their best behavior and he's still showing tons of red flags other than the isolation. Nonnie, he doesn't seem like a good man at all. Please be careful and get out of this relationship, the issues you raised are not ones that can easily be changed. He needs professional help.

No. 195218

He said he will try not to be upset when I talk to other guys and that we can talk it out.
A problem is, he has lewd pictures of me, which I feel stupid for sending now. I haven't been sending them for long, but he has them. I'm scared of him posting those on 4chan or trying to doxx me. I would be utterly depressed and probably suicidal.

No. 195318

im so lonely
and i overthink when people i care about stop messaging me
i live alone
i feel like futaba
it's my tomb
im gonna die here someday

No. 195357

File: 1625195254821.jpg (53.5 KB, 720x688, dumdumbitch.jpg)

recently broke up with a guy i've been dating for a year and i just gotta vent without worrying about being the bigger person.

this guy has been an emotional fucking vampire. all he ever did was use me for emotional comfort. never was he mutual with his emotions and actions. it was alwaaaaays me giving him comfort, especially after he told me he had "separation anxiety". fuuuuck that. more like he wanted me to be available to him whenever he needed it. if i said i was busy, he'd pout and give me the cold shoulder. it felt like i was being punished for having a life outside of him.

i hate that i didn't leave his ass earlier. i loved him so i gave him the benefit of the doubt, knowing what i knew about him. the little that he did open up, i realize it was just to keep under him. and it did work. when he went on about how he was the forgotten middle child, i reasoned away why he would be so rude talking over our friends, or showing less interest in their and my interests but talking at length and expecting everyone else to show interest in his hobbies.

fuck his sorry ass. i still feel shitty now about cutting him off, after trying to try being friends with him after i broke up with him. but i know it's gonna wear off soon.

his close "friends", and i use that term loosely because despite being "friends" with him for years none of them really care much for him anymore because they're realize he couldn't give a shit about them personally. he uses them to hangout and that's it. they've gone out of their way to be friends to him but he can't be bothered to do the same.

and now? after breaking up, they're hanging out with me and not him. and tbh i'm loving it. i genuinely care about them and take an interest in their lives, unlike him. his "best friend" has even admitted that if he had to pick sides, he'd choose mine after seeing how things have played out.

i'm definitely a dumb bitch for staying as long as i did. for suuuuure. i'm not a complete victim here. but damn it feels nice to get this off my chest and say what i feel. i feel used, i feel stupid, when i see him online doing shit as usual i feel sad and annoyed that he's not crippled by my absence.

but then i remember that he basically has no one now because of how he treated the people that actually cared about him. all he has is these shallow relationships with people who wouldn't give a fuck about him.

tl;dr i spent a year with an emotional black hole of a guy. gave him way too many chances after the honeymoon phase because i pitied him. finally broke up with him and all his close friends now prefer to hangout with me than him cus he treated them like shit.

No. 195371

Something happened with my bf that's irritating me.

>he visited my house a month ago and kept roughly petting my dog (rubbing her from tail up to head) until she growled at him

>she's a very nice dog and has never growled before
>fast forward to yesterday
>"don't pet my dog like that, she doesn't like it"
>he says "all dogs like it" and does it anyways
>i tell him look at her body language, she's shrinking away
>he says "yeah, you're right"
>look over
>he's doing it again
>change the subject and lead him away from the dog so he stops touching her

Do I just let this go? It bothers me that he would agree and then keep doing it.

No. 195382

>he said he will try not to
Not good enough. He either DOES or you tell him to fuck off.

No. 195389

Honestly ask him to delete those pictures. He should understand.

No. 195403

god that all sounds eerily similar to a guy i started talking to again this year. genuinely thought i was going insane the whole time i was talking to him. im glad you got out of there anon. my life did a 180 ever since he was out of the picture and we didnt even get that close. its crazy how much emotional vampires fuck you up.

No. 195404

asked my bf to go home to his family for a week so i can decide what i want. It's a difficult decision and hard to make up my mind when he's right here. I'd say he's like 85% perfect but theres a few things that i don't like. I also just have a feeling that life would be easier if i was alone recently. I dont know if being basically locked in together during the pandemic has contributed to this. I just feel bored, our sex life is awful and i just see him like a best friend that i maybe only love platonically. this is my first relationship ever as well so it's hard to know what to do.

No. 195406

He doesn't listen to you and he doesn't respect boundaries, what a catch

No. 195411

No don't let it go. If you want to see him again you have to closely monitor him around your dog and when he does it again you call him out immediately. Your dog only has you for advocacy and she needs you. Tbh I would have yelled at him and broken up with him already

No. 195421

Well, I'm going to break up with him, I'm just waiting until he leaves on a week-long trip. I felt angrier and angrier about it looking at my little defenseless dog. I can tolerate a lot of shit but she cannot protect herself.

No. 195430

Don't settle just because you think you need a major reason to break up. If it's just not working for you, then dump him.

No. 195434

Anons, I've been dating a pretty wonderful guy for three months, and so far our relationship has been very open and we are both honest and communicative. Last night I was hanging out with three female friends and I got very drunk and made out with one of them and we also ate eachother out. I just woke up and don't know what to do. Do I tell him? It's not going to happen again but I feel really fucking guilty.

No. 195435

tell him and break up. This is a horrible thing to do to someone.

No. 195437

tell him you cheated

No. 195439

>It's not going to happen again
pff it totally is.

No. 195448

Good job anon, I'm glad you're standing up for her and yourself. Animals are great measures of someone's character and his treatment of her and (lack of) response when you discussed what he did are damning.

No. 195450

You're right anon. He's really trying. Today I told him I wanted to dye my hair and instead of saying "Don't do that" he said, "I'm supportive." Isn't that progress?
I will try but all I have is his word.

No. 195455

if the guilt is too much to bear, tell him
normal straight men don't "count" lesbian affairs, if you get what I mean

No. 195456

im hoping i do a 180 and end up on the other side of this as a better person. ugh its just been awhile since i've had to go through the motions of a break-up. its weird having someone apart of your daily life for a year then in less than 10 minutes you have to cut them out. poof. gonzo

No. 195483

Anon I don't mean to be rude but every time you respond you inadvertently expose another different red flag of his. You shouldn't have to ask permission to dye your hair to begin with so I don't really think that would be considered progress. It's only been a day, real progress takes time. Just because he's being better right now doesn't mean he won't return to his old self in the future, speaking from experience. If you're dead set on being with him I think you should be extremely careful, do NOT move in with him yet, maintain strong boundaries, and please don't send any more compromising pictures of yourself or anything that could be used as blackmail. If he continues to do things that set off alarm bells, leave immediately.

No. 195485

Sounds like a wreck. Make an exit plan now.

No. 195486

Thank you anons. The guilt was eating me alive, and I told him everything as soon as I got the chance to in person. I had never drank that much with other people before and didn't realize I'd get like that, so I told him I'd stop drinking socially to ensure it never happens again. He was hurt of course but not angry, amazingly he forgave me and told me he still trusts me, and was really glad I told him right away and he hopes I can forgive myself. Im still incredibly ashamed and also horrified that I'm a cheater but grateful that he forgave me and glad I told him.

I don't want it to. This is the worst thing I've ever done. I don't even have feelings for the woman I cheated with and kind of never want to see her again, especially since I suspect she was not as drunk as me when it happened. But I'm still ashamed and want to accept my actions and keep from repeating them – what can I do (in addition to quitting drinking)?

No. 195522

They don't count them as long as it's just 'fun and games' and it doesn't affect their relationship. OP seems to grovel enough for it to not be an issue and imo he's either pretending to be upset to take advantage of OP's guilt or he's extremely insecure.

No. 195538

Does anyone have any advice on my situation? Earlier in our relationship a lot of things happened that caused me to have trust issues and a lot of insecurities. Most of that is gone now but it's still affecting me. When we spend time together it usually makes me really happy, but he puts no effort in this at all. I can't have any type of plans for the future with him. We almost ended things a while ago, at which point he didn't talk to me for two weeks which really sucked. I tried talking to friends more and did stuff I usually like doing and I wasn't crying 24/7, but I felt incredibly empty and it was only getting worse instead of better as I would've expected.

After we started talking again I try to make sure that everything is according to his preferences. Spending time apart was helpful in a way and I can handle a lot of things better now I think, but even so, every time I voice any small complaint, or want to spend time with him more than he does, he immediately calls me insane. It's just really hurtful because I feel like I can't voice any negative thing I feel without him acting like I'm crazy. He voiced concerns that I would stalk him and threaten him with suicide if he ever tried to leave me - I never did anything to indicate this but he said he left someone in the past who threatened to kill herself so he experienced it. But when I thought he left me I didn't have a meltdown and was just trying to move on, even though I hoped that things would be resolved. Also, he thought that whenever we had a conflict it would cause me to eventually escalate things, when in reality my problems never went beyond crying and I wasn't secretly plotting my revenge. Often it feels like he doesn't even do the bare minimum but I can't say anything about it because wanting to feel at least a little bit loved makes me insane and clingy. He does have nice moments though, and irl he is really caring, but he really sucks at expressing that online most of the time. But there are so many things he does that I think most women wouldn't tolerate. Even so, he is the first person I really love and he can be really great, and I'm still hoping things will resolve themselves once I can go see him (I haven't been able to for a long time now because of covid, but hopefully it'll happen soon). He used to call me everyday, and because of my abandonment issues and his lack of reassurance it would make me scared to spend a day without that. In hindsight I should've given him more space, but I'm trying now. He still calls me often and usually most days, but there are also a lot of days when we just text. Which is mostly okay, but sometimes I feel lonely and I just want to be around him for a bit, but I can't express that without immediately being called out for being insane. That really hurts me. And when that happens he also says that I didn't change at all, which, yeah I can't change instantly, but I've been trying to give him more space and I generally complain a lot less about things than before the 2 week 'break' we had, and I even feel different about it internally, like it doesn't scare me so much anymore if he doesn't call me for a day or something. But sometimes I do feel like I'm clingy and the worst or like I just don't deserve to be cared for because I'm just inadequate. I'm just unsure what to do. Like I said there are still many things that make me happy with him, and usually it's really nice to spend time with him. But there are all of these issues that can make me miserable, but I'm not sure how I could ever move on when the time I thought I had to was just so horrible. I really want to stay with him but not sure what to expect. He is in his 30s and lives with his parents and has no income. I'm a lot younger but I have a lot of savings and really want a life with him, but he doesn't want that unless he has his own income, but doesn't really do anything for it. It's just hard because he doesn't trust me enough to live with me like this, but every time we have a minor conflict he says I'm not doing myself any favors and then I feel like I made him trust me even less and feel really guilty about it. I don't know if it makes me clingy to want to have a life with someone instead of focusing only on having a separate life and my own goals. I saved up for a masters that I'm starting in September, I have some things that I really like to do even on my own, I don't have a lot of friends but being social just isn't for me. But having someone to care about the way I care about him is really important to me, and I just can't substitute that with hobbies and goals. I would like to talk to him about these things but I feel like it just wouldn't end well.

No. 195541

he doesn't care about you. dump.

No. 195543

anon please, get away from him. is it okay if I ask how big the age difference is? if this is a man in his 30s there's no way that he is 1. single for no reason and 2. treating you like this/acting like a teenage boy. this is gaslighting and manipulative at best, narcissistic behaviour at worst.
if he's your "first love" you're naturally going to feel this way, so reaching out for other's opinions is your first step and you're doing it, so be proud. I don't want to be harsh but this is NOT RIGHT and you should cut all contact. I highly suggest a hard block, and keep working on your own social life and goals. I know that might sound miserable but it'll do you wonders in the long term. there is only misery down this road for you if you continue to be with this man. he sounds awful. also, not to pry, can I ask what "But there are so many things he does that I think most women wouldn't tolerate" means? like, sexually/mentally/emotionally abusive?
you don't have to "substitute" for hobbies and goals, but you're substituting for a loving relationship. if he's making you do things you don't want to do, making you question yourself, having to be less affectionate because it might set him off? you can't live walking on eggshells.
I really hope you're safe and okay, and if you have those savings and plans focus on keeping yourself on track. he doesn't deserve you.
sorry if this came off as harsh in any way, I've just been in an extremely similar position as well as several of my female friends and these men are genuinely only out for themselves. I wish you the best of luck. please, if he does anything you feel is overstepping consider them red flags. I would even start writing down FACTS of what he's done/keeping a log so you know when you're sane and he's calling you otherwise.
love you nonny you got this.

No. 195547

It's 10 years. I can't really feel it though, I briefly dated someone a couple of years ago who was mid-thirties and it was super obvious and made me feel uncomfortable. He has been sitting at home since high school and barely goes outside, which doesn't bother me, it's just at the same time he is so set on only being more committed to me if he is independent, even though I offered to pay for rent and stuff.

About the things others wouldn't tolerate - he is not monogamous, but was never really open about this, I just found out along the way and mostly by the time I was too invested to leave. For about a year I was made to hang out with another girl a lot (only online and he never met her irl) - it always made me anxious beforehand, I never looked forward to it. I tried to become friends with her but whenever I shared my problems she kinda latched onto my insecurities and I found it really toxic and damaging to have her in my life. She eventually ended up leaving him. The other girl he talked to also ended up leaving (he wouldn't meet up with her because she was overweight. And I pretty much had to keep it a secret that I met him because I knew it would've hurt her incredibly to know), but I talked to her a lot and we shared a lot of similar problems with him. I had really bad conflicts with the first girl, and whenever I talked about it to him he just couldn't be asked to deal with it, or called me jealous and immature. I never expected to be in a situation like that and I think even actual polyamorous people have jealousy and conflicts all the time, but somehow he expected it to work forcing generally insecure, monogamous people together and then just not taking any responsibilities to make them feel reassured. There were a lot of things that came from that situation that were really damaging to me.

I never want that dynamic again, and it ended around January last year. It does feel a lot better not having to deal with that. I don't think he talks to anyone else serious rn just because of how he is handling some things, but it's still not a good feeling. I had a guy friend who he got really mad about at some point, that was probably the only time he was explicitly upset with me, even though nothing was actually going on with him and he was just a friend I talked to sometimes. He said he was disgusted with me etc. because the guy wanted to meet me and I said yes because I was too awkward to say no - I didn't even want to go through with it, and I showed my boyfriend the conversation so it wasn't like I was doing it behind his back. But then if I get insecure then it's immature and jealous.

Earlier in our relationship he used to put me on timeouts if I didn't do something he wanted. It was mostly just stupid things and it was not too serious, even though no contact is horrible for me. But at one point he told me to message a girl he found online for him, obviously I hated the idea but he said he'd put me on a timeout if I didn't. I barely knew him at that point, I didn't know how I wasn't supposed to take a lot of the things he did seriously. I just felt really coerced and humiliated. There were a lot of things like this. Luckily this stuff has stopped and it feels like a monogamous relationship now, except for knowing he could cheat on me any time and it would be my fault if I felt sad about it. As a result, I'd rather not know, but it also makes it harder to trust him.

The problem is that usually I feel like myself around him and it's fun, it's just that I'm making all of the compromises because his solution to everything is that if I don't like it then I should leave because he is the way he is and I shouldn't try to change him - but that apparently doesn't apply to me when he put me in a situation that was the last thing I wanted - I can't change being monogamous and not being sexually attracted to women. I don't want to have a threesome. But he tried really hard to change that, even though it really hurt me. In comparison, the things I tried to 'change' about him was asking him to tell me if he didn't want to call me instead of being dismissive, or reassure me that he still cares about me, etc.

But when I talk about all the bad things he comes across as really awful, even though he helps me with a lot of things, when I went to see him he was amazing and caring and even online I love hanging out with him and our relationship is a lot better than how it used to be, at least for the most part.

I know that if I could live with him I wouldn't bother him 24/7, I'm content doing my own things as well but he doesn't trust that. But I can't not feel like a relationship is really important to me. I don't particularly want kids, but I know it's important to some people - like it was the thing my stepmom wanted the most, even if she has hobbies and loves her job and has friends, it was so important to her and it would've been unfair to tell her to just stop caring so much about it and focus on other stuff. That's how I feel about this relationship. It's so important to me and I don't want to feel like it isn't, that doesn't mean I have no life outside of it. But I feel like that is kind of normal, though at this point I'm lowkey doubting that because what if I am too clingy. But it still feels like I'm not, and the times I might've been could've been mitigated by him being a bit more attentive, but of course he wouldn't do that because that would apparently teach me that I can get things by crying or complaining.

Thanks for the support, you're really kind. I just feel like it's impossible to leave, because whenever I start feeling bad he soon after does something nice or spends time with me, but also the one time I thought he left me was worse than how some of the things he does make me feel. I wish I wasn't so stupidly attached though. I thought intense feelings of love are supposed to fade after around 6 months or a year, but it's been around 3 years now and I'm still infatuated. I just don't get it.

But it also hurts when he calls me out for having no life - I have 60k in savings (not that it's a huge amount or anything but after having $0 at one point and being completely dependent on student loans then my dad it makes me feel good), I love drawing and try to practice it a lot, I like playing video games, I work out a lot, got accepted to multiple universities, I got a cat recently, and I'm trying to find ways to improve. I don't have a big social life but I tried it in the past and it isn't for me. I'm not judging him but he has been sitting at home accomplishing nothing apart from learning some programming since he finished high school, he wants to make games but isn't working hard on it, and only talks to people online, so I'm not sure how I don't have a life while he does.

No. 195549

this guy is messing with your head!!! would you accept any desire of polyamory on your first date with someone else? HELL NO! you are better off without him and you know it.

No. 195560

I rejected my classmate and I feel awful about it. I dont even know him well but I enjoyed talking for him and I really wanted to be friends but now I feel like such an awful person because it personally makes me uncomfortable to be friends with someone that likes me..as well as my partner feels the same…(lolcow.farm/info)

No. 196010

this is probably the stupidest post on this thread but. fuck.
i’ve been talking to this guy & he seems really sweet and we click over a lot of things, but tonight he just told me that he’s into scat. like straight up shit. I’ll take my ban for the gross topic but literally what the fuck. i don’t even know what to do since he’s been so genuinely nice to me and we talk daily but im so goddamn conflicted

No. 196012

Kink shame him viciously and run. The fact that he thought he could admit that to you… jesus christ. Absolutely zero shame.

No. 196022

>straight men devalue lesbian relationships this much
If you and another dude went down on each other it would be a completely different story and everyone knows it. Male genocide when?

No. 196027

nona, don't act like you don't know what to do

No. 196028

I feel like my boyfriend still has girls he ‘talked’ to before we got together on his Snapchat, Instagram, etc. It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable, we’ve been together almost a year and the second we become official I deleted and blocked all the guys I was talking to. Am I just being paranoid for no reason? I kind of feel like if I asked him to unfollow these girls he would be upset about it and I do not like that at all.

No. 196036

File: 1625385857217.jpg (50.83 KB, 660x440, 73986669.jpg)

I have a scat fetish but would never want anything to do with it in real life, but even I have never revealed it to a soul I know personally. Run or have a talk but be prepared to (run)

No. 196042

thank you ladies, i'm just so conflicted because we like so many of the same niche games and interests but this just really caught me by surprise.
i told him that i'm not comfortable with doing that stuff at all & he was fine & didn't expect me to, but it's still making me feel weird knowing he's into that

No. 196046

There's likely a much higher number of fart/scat fetishists in the world than we'd ever know but like other anon said.. many just keep it to themselves. They don't share it or feed into to too much by making it known to others.

The concerning part is that he shared this with a woman he's just been talking to for a lil bit. Men share their fetishes with women when they want their fantasy entertained and fulfilled. He's testing the waters because he's a fetishist who wants to actually act on it and find a willing partner to do this with someone. If he had no intentions of finding that he would keep those thoughts to himself like many do. I wouldn't run purely because of the fetish itself but because he was so willing to put it out there and you guys sound like you're not even a thing yet. He's testing the waters and probably now backtracking and saying it's not a big thing but.. if you're not willing then he's likely looking for someone who is or he's indulging in alot of scat porn or online chats to scratch that itch for him.

No. 196048

bruh this is sad. go get therapy for whatever problems you have and dump him

No. 196050

So you're uncomfortable over something 1. you have no proof even is a thing
>I feel like
and even within your unsubstantiated worry he's not even talking to these women, just didn't unfollow them?
Not everyone thinks of deleting everyone they've even flirted with in the past once they get a stable relationship, not out of malicious reasons but it just doesn't cross their mind. If he's not talking to these women what are the odds really they're any danger, just existing out there?
Ultimately though, if it really bothers you this much, you should openly talk with him about your worry and what couls be done about it. It will be uncomfortable but you shouldn't bottle things up under the assumption someone will be upset because it's not how healthy relationships work. Just focus on how you feel about it, not accuse him of anything if there's no real suspicion.

No. 196051

If you unfollowed people right at the beginning it would've been ideal to talk it out back then. It sounds like you didn't but it should be ok to ask these things now. There's a differnece between asking a partner to drop all friends of the opposite sex and just asking that they don't have people they casually talked to romanatically/sexually hanging around on their socials. If you're only asking about the latter and you've been considerate enough to already do the same on your end.. you should be able to bring this up in a calm way adn talk it out like adults. As long as you're chill in the way you ask he has no reason to flip out. If he reacts angrily that'd be an indication of something in itself.

Communicate on it now before it becomes a bigger thing. His reaction to being asked may tell you alot about him. Good or bad.

No. 196055

>calls you insane, humiliates you
>doesn't put in base effort
>mid thirties, doesn't have income, doesn't have a job, lives with his parents, doesn't leave the house
>not monogamous
>but gets angry with you when you try to meet a guy in a friendly manner
>puts you on timeouts as if you're a child or a dog
You're dating a lost cause anon. Just any one of these things are worth breaking up over and you've got a whole list of it. Tbere's literally nothing worth salvaging here. Not sure what kind of advice you thought you'd get here other than the one wise thing to do and that's breaking up with this mess.
>having someone to care about the way I care about him is really important to me
He's not the only man on this planet you could be caring about. But in order to open yourself up to the possibility of caring for a higher quality man that's actually worth your caring, you need to cut this crap out of your life first.

But honestly, considering after all of this, you still put up with him, probably means you need some sort of therapy or professional health because putting up with this kind of behaviour says a lot about you and your self-respect and/or mental health.

No. 196174

It wasn't a "lesbian relationship", I didn't give a fuck about that girl even as a friend and never want to see her again. I think if there were feelings involved it would have been worse. He seemed more concerned about whether I liked the girl and we'd flirted before (we hadn't) than the actual sex. He also was in shock – he's had more time to process his emotions and he is extremely hurt. I've never seen him cry so much. The last couple days have been extremely difficult. We've talked a lot and he still forgives me but we have a lot to work on. It's hard admitting that my morals are just weak, and that the person I thought I was and the person I actually am are two different people. I was a virgin well into my twenties and lost my virginity to my bf so I thought I was meant to be a faithful and monogamous person – the thought that I drunkenly hooked up with somebody I don't care about while violating my presumed morals and deeply hurting my boyfriend in the process is just…revolting. I'm going to go to therapy.

No. 196193

Anon, read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You're in a relationship with an abuser. Emotional abuse, but nonetheless it is extremely damaging. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You have a lot of good things going on for you right now. Make no mistake, continuing to allow this parasite to leech off you will eventually make your life and emotional state (which is already very compromised) worse than it already is. Everything >>196055 said is spot on and like she noted at the end, a healthy person would not entertain even one of this guy's issues, much less like the twenty he has. You need to leave. You have a warped, toxic, false view of what love and affection is. Everything surrounding this man is a bastardization of it. You will only achieve real happiness by being free of his sick influence.
>I thought intense feelings of love are supposed to fade after around 6 months or a year, but it's been around 3 years now and I'm still infatuated. I just don't get it.
It's not love, it's called trauma bonding. Every time the abuse cycle repeats (building tension–blow up–reconciliation/honeymoon period–calm) your ties to him get stronger. Try not to let it go on much longer, because the more it repeats the harder they are to break.

No. 196194

File: 1625456296890.png (110.75 KB, 609x455, 7034840-3284-32409.png)

Also, picrel. Abusive relationships create a Stockholm syndrome-like scenario. Thank god you don't live with him because that would only make it harder, but this further expresses that the "fight/recover/hope things get better" repetition is only furthering unhealthy, codependent obsession and is not indicative of love. You are mentally compromised right now and you need to drop all contact with him and have checks in place that prevent you from breaking that boundary, because you will want to. Leaving an abusive relationship is akin to trying to break a drug addiction cold turkey (literally, the brain chemistry is similar) so you need to make sure you don't relapse by contacting him again.

No. 196637

I just need to vent. I've been talking with this guy for a while and a friend sent me some old screenshots of him saying that its okay to string someone along and pretend you like them in order to have sex. Anyways I even had a date scheduled for this afternoon but after that I cancelled BC there's no way I'll be sure if he's serious about me or just wants a quick pump. I can do bette.

No. 196640

I don't know what to do about my boyfriend anymore. We see each other a lot, but it's mostly just to make/have food or go to the gym together. If we're just hanging out, he's frequently doing student organization shit or trying to respond to an email or something else on his phone so he practically shouts "busy" at me when I try to start a conversation a lot of the time. If someone on the road to my place pisses him off, which seems to happen every day, he'll come through the door angry and rant about it for five minutes. Also almost every day, he complains about having to clean up after his shitty roommates who are genuinely shitty but I'm tired of hearing the same things about them all the time. Outwardly, he's a nice and considerate person, but around me he might as well be fucking Hitler as played by Charlie Chaplin for how many impassioned rants about meaningless bullshit he delivers. I've complained about this tendency to him before, and he got really upset and said he lives a stressful life so it's not really his fault. He does, but he also stresses himself and me out further by pulling this shit. Fortunately none of it is ever directed at me, but it's still enough to make me seriously consider leaving.

No. 196643

Get him a therapist appointment for his birthday. You are not his venting trash bag or emotional punching bag. I can see why this is tiring you out. When was the last time he listened to YOU and gave you space to vent? He also seems lazy if you only go to the gym together. Set up stronger boundaries, being stressed is no excuse. Everyone is stressed.

No. 196645

Good for you anon! There’s a million better men out there, that’ll take him down a peg as well he sounds like a fucking waste.

No. 196647

Why stay? Your boyfriend is stressing you out. This is who he is. He wont change. Leave or shut up and put up with it.
Would you let your friends stress you out? If not them dont let him stress you out either

No. 196670

>I've complained about this tendency to him before, and he got really upset and said he lives a stressful life
This is "emotionally bankrupt scrote 101" anon. When a partner approaches you saying something you did hurt them, the normal & healthy response is to shut up, listen, apologize and then come up with a plan regarding how to prevent that behavior from happening again. You do this the first time they bring it up because you care about them and enjoy learning ways to make them more happy/comfortable. That is, if you actually love them. If you instead bitch about your partner requesting basic human decency and double down on the behavior, then you really don't give a shit about them and just want free reign to use them as a venting board. He's showing you who he is. You going to listen? Is this really the type of partner you want, someone who can't even manage everyday stress? Imagine how he'd be in a real crisis and ask yourself if you want someone who's going to rant and scream and pull his hair out when your parents are dying, when you need to call for help after a car accident, when you need to figure out how to come up with quick cash and so on. He's sure as fuck not gonna be your rock, he's going to be the toddler throwing a tantrum in a corner, and you'll be mummy trying to calm him down. How romantic.

No. 196673

At least in finding out he's a shithead you (re)discovered your friend is awesome.

No. 197047

File: 1625800259285.jpg (62.35 KB, 1024x1024, jYiDYvmJ2Cw.jpg)

My boyfriend of 3 months has become reluctant/not as eager to have sex with me because I like foreplay beforehand (hurts otherwise bc I'm not ready physically, but also it's just enjoyable to take it slow). He says he's never been with a girl who couldn't have sex on the spot and that he's not into foreplay, that it's boring, and he's not into it because I'm not really responsive. I try to be responsive but I often have to correct what he's doing with his hands so I start focusing on that and he doesn't want to do oral so we just don't end up having sex for days.

Feels kinda bad because my last relationship was a dead bedroom for like 5 years and now I'm scared I'm in that situation again because he can't get over the fact that some women need to be warmed up a little first. I don't even get how he can feel the way he does when I love teasing him with oral or just touching and kissing him before sex. It makes me feel close to him and I'm happy that he's enjoying himself. So what the fuck? What do?

No. 197048

Break up with him anon. Do you want to waste 5 more years of your life having shit sex?

No. 197053

Not to be a reactionary but him saying he’s never been with a woman who can’t just fuck on the spot seems fishy to me. He’s either lying to guilt trip you or genuinely very unaware of women’s pleasure kek. I’m sorry to say it but if you guys can’t even make it halfway through the honeymoon phase without issues then it’s not worth it. I’d break up with him.

No. 197058

Scrote behavior. Kek

No. 197070

Dump any man who doesn't give you pleasure.

No. 197071

I'm really sorry to hear that, anon. It's very telling of him as a bf when he isn't willing to go out of his way to make you comfortable in such an intimate setting. It's very selfish of him.

I feel like the longer you stay with him you'll discover how this attitude will spill into other aspects of your relationship and this is absolutely unacceptable. I believe you'll find the one anon! It just isn't him.

No. 197080

This is it sis, and dump anyone who makes you unhappy.

No. 197086

I don't say this lightly as some of the other anons on here do, but for the love of God dump him. He does not care about you or your happiness in anyway, he is literally using you for sex and he has shown you forthright that he will not even consider changing to please you. He is a parasite leeching off you because you make his dick feel good. That is all he is.

Like holy shit, rip his self-esteem apart and walk out that door rn anon, he will make you miserable. Out there is a guy who will happily spend all the time with foreplay you want, give you oral, and make you feel like your enjoyment matters too.


No. 197091

Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't care about your physical pleasure?
>He says he's never been with a girl who couldn't have sex on the spot
He is now, so he's the one who should adjust, not you. Also, it sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you btw. I'd say it's time to say goodbye. You communicated your needs crystal clearly and he's ignoring them

No. 197097

>3 months
Anonita… this is as good as he gets. This is meant to be the happy time where your hormones are crazy and you can't stop touching each other. He's lazy and this is him on his best behaviour.
If you stay with this selfish idiot, your self-esteem will tank and you will succumb yourself to pleasureless sex that you force yourself to have to get a sliver of intimacy, and it will leave your mental health damaged.

You deserve better than that!

No. 197101

I hate that foreplay is somehow not perceived as sex. It's often for women what PIV is for men. It's so sexist to 'not be into' foreplay.
And I'm 100% sure he's lying about women being ready for sex on spot, even porn has some kind of foreplay in it and our body literally can't be ready on spot without getting turned on for lubrication. So either he had painful and dry sex with his ex-partners (no wonder they are ex now) or he's lying to be lazy. Drop the asshole and shame his bad sexual skills or ugly dick for maximum damage.

No. 197109

After about the 4 or 5 month mark my ex just sort of started using me as a masturbatory device rather than another person he is having sex with. To be fair, I was a lot like what your boyfriend described and could "go" without needing a lot of warming up but it's not like the first few strokes didn't hurt. Like others have said, this is as good as it's gonna get if he's doing this 3 months in. Someone less jaded might tell you to cOmmUniCaTe more about it but from what you've said he's set in stone, and selfish.

No. 197127

here for venting lol. broke up with my boyfriend this morning because i have been having increasing feelings of not being attracted to him, being embarrassed about him, having crushes on other people develop, it was freaking me out to start saying i love you almost two years in meanwhile he gave me a key to his place and everything.

but i worry so much i’m going to regret the steady love he gives me because i know he loves me a lot. i’m a really independent person and i think i’m happy alone but i worry about giving up on someone like that.

No. 197171

Anons how do you flirt? I went to a few tinder dates recently and I'm hopeless. I just talk about shit I like and about our lives. I don't know how to flirt, I always put on a friendly front that isn't sexy at all. We become kind of friends at the end, it doesn't have a date vibe. Doesn't help that I have high cutesy voice.

No. 197172

I can't intentionally flirt but if I'm attracted to a guy it becomes natural, like my voice goes up a pitch and I become more animated is how I would describe it. Are you into these guys? I can flirt better over text because the other person usually sets it up. I met a tinder date and he was very flirty in messages and I reciprocated but in person he was shy and I did more of the talking. I wasn't as into him so I didn't turn on my charm. Maybe that's what's happening

No. 197183

File: 1625875160089.png (122.1 KB, 500x293, tumblr_inline_nhtcaezLZX1qinl7…)

I suuuuck at verbal flirting (it comes off as overly crude or autistic lol), so I use body language instead. Eye contact, touching my lips, touching his hand/shoulder, getting close to him, drawing attention to my chest, etc. I also have a high voice so I slow myself down and really enunciate my words, which makes me seem a little more breathier or sultry

No. 197193

I feel bad that I am starting to lose attraction for my bf. He's getting really deep in the whole femboy thing. Makeup, skirts, knee socks, etc. It kind of grosses me out even though I don't usually mind when guys I don't interact with do it. I think I'm learning he's not actually my type at all. He's usually sub and I don't mind being dom sometimes, but when he's dom in both bed and in general I genuinely feel much happier. I also find myself getting much more irritated when he talks lately. He doesn't know when to shut up sometimes and it irks me and he's always showing me stupid memes, TikToks, or tweets. It's like he can't even go a moment without being on his phone unless we're playing games or watching a movie. When we eat, when we're just hanging out in the bathroom while I'm getting ready, when we're about to sleep, etc. I'm getting so sick of it. And he's so annoying about me being bi. He makes such a big deal about how he wants to get me a flag for my room even though I always fucking tell him I do not want one because I don't think it's such a big fucking deal. Another thing that really bothers me is his view on troons and he knows my opinion on it and I even show him stuff that basically explain why I feel the way I feel yet he doesn't give a shit at all. There's a MtF streamer (who doesn't even present as female at all) who he watches and whenever he forced me to watch some retarded clip he told me, "You better respect her." When I didn't even say anything at all. It's taken a lot of me not to shit on his doorstep and I know what I have to do I just needed to let it out because I have zero irl and online friends to talk about my retarded rants with so apologies for my post being all over the place.

No. 197194

Nona, I know this is a clicheed phrase on here, but that guy is very likely going to troon out on you

No. 197197

File: 1625885690484.jpg (1.25 MB, 3024x4032, rip.jpg)

It depresses me because he's a genuine qt outside of the stuff that I complained about so to know he's most likely heading down that path makes me want to kms.

No. 197213

I'm mourning on your behalf anon. He's likely deep on the trail of egg-cracking and if not he's still become someone you don't get along with on a regular basis. If you don't see him growing out of this it may be worth not losing more time to being on edge the way you are. Does he have any friends/what are they like?

No. 197333

I posted in these threads a few times asking for advice about my bf, but how I couldn't leave due to finances. Well anons, some family have just changed my whole life by saying they're funding my move and helping me pay rent until I get back on my feet. A massive weight got lifted off my shoulders.

That being said, I told my bf today I'm moving out. I have a feeling the relationship is well and truly dead but he isn't taking it well that I want my own space. I also haven't actually broken up with him yet, I'm waiting until a bit closer to the move to keep the peace. Regardless, I'm so excited to have my own space for my cat and I. Thanks for all your support nonnies I love everyone who replied with blunt but honest truth to my posts.

No. 197349

H-how do I get into a relationship, I've never had a bf

No. 197364

Start dating around and see who you vibe with. Hopefully you won't have to navigate through any manipulation, insincerity, or lies in the process. So be wary! And also, don't jump into a relationship just for the sake of having one and be patient.

No. 197369

Sorry, but even without all the other shit, if my boyfriend made me watch a video of a woman he's never met and said "you better respect her", I'd leave. He doesn't respect YOU. The man can't even take no for an answer when it comes to a tacky (probably unironed, knowing men) flag, it's all downhill from here.

No. 197372

God speed to you and your cat! If he takes the break up bad, too bad! You'll have your own place to busy yourself with and if he is smart he'll introspect and leave you alone.

No. 197375

>There's a MtF streamer (who doesn't even present as female at all) who he watches and whenever he forced me to watch some retarded clip he told me, "You better respect her."

Yeah, he is going to troon out. And he doesn't respect you. Here is my permission to let him go.

No. 197391

I've been with my boyfriend for over 8 years now, we had our ups and downs but we always managed to pull through and we only got more stable over the years. We were friends before getting together and I consider him my best friend. We click in almost all aspects and we had future plans involving kids and just general good vibes. He moved out of his parents recently into his own flat and it was all super good, we decided not to move in together because he wanted to have this freedom for a while (his mom is very overbearing and I understood him wanting this new thing) now since a week or two he said he needed space because he wanted to 'figure out if he'd rather be alone' meaning not with me because he wants to figure out who he is and what he wants in life. Now I'm just stunned by this sudden change in it all and I'm left hanging. When we are together it works (sex life and just doing chores together is meaningful still) but he can't even seem to explain what exactly he's trying to figure out? We are both almost 28 and I see this planned future slipping through my fingers and he keeps saying that its not about me, but in the end this is about me and us. Not gonna lie I've been pretty depressed ever since he came forward with it and I can't do anything about it at all but wait and skirt around if he wants to see me or not. I don't know what advice I'm looking for I'm just devastated right now and helpless, in the end I'm aware that whatever will happen will happen but it just sucks.

No. 197392

This isn't too uncommon when relationships start young and go on to last… there's a youth that some people wonder if they missed out on. From sleeping around to just having the oppurtunity to make all your decisions solo. In a way it's healthy that he wants to live alone rather than jumping into living together and just never experiencing solo renting. I also get your frustration though.

One comforting thought is that at least you didn't marry/have kids or commit to something messy like a mortgage before he hit this realization. That happens alot too and it only adds insult to injury.

Do you feel any desire to be single or to date around? It's shitty that you're expected to wait around tbh. I wouldn't live in limbo like that. It sounds like he's done but selfishly hanging on just in case the grass isn't so green on the other side… that's not fair to you. He's one foot out the door already. I woudln't feel too bad about just taking the reigns and ending it if I were you.

No. 197396

his mother used to tell him how he shouldn't be with me and how he shouldn't have committed so young etc. so I think a lot comes from that but honestly I don't want this to end I love him far too much to let this go also because before last week he'd regularly tell me how much he loves it with me and how he can truly relax with me. I don't feel the need to date around, I can't even imagine anyone else but him and I know he knows what we have is special. I don't wanna sound desperate but I really do deeply care for him and what we've built so far

No. 197399

If he's 28 right now, already 8 years into being with you and he's not living with his mom anymore it would appear this is him telling you he's not on the same page as you. As much as you might want to think it's his moms influence..this is a guy with his own place who's approaching 30 and wanting to see if the single life is better than dating you. It's harsh but this guy is done and that's all on him.

I've been blindsided by break ups before, thinking that we're doing great and that we've built something really special. I don't know if it's a male thing but they often do appear to just drop what feels like a functioning relationsnhip in favor of 'exploring their options' I've learnt that the hard way.

No. 197400

I wish I could hug you anon. I know exactly what you're going through, I've been there very recently myself. On one hand I can kind of see his point, if he only now gets to experience what it's like to live his life the way he wants to, of course he enjoys it and subconsciously he might be thinking moving in with you will trap him again. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make him not feel this stupid urge. Nada. It goes way deep into one's self and ego. It's up to him to figure this shit out, and I hope he's rational and smart to do the right thing and to come up with some kind of an answer for you. Because he must realize keeping you in this uncertainty is very damaging to both you and your relationship.

Oh and "it's not you, it's me" fuck that hot shit. Of course it's about you too, you've been together for 8+ years, it's impossible to separate these things. Yes he's 100% the cause of this problem, but now that it's been brought to light it affects both of you and you feel just as shitty and responsible for the possible outcome as he does, even more than he does! You were served the worse end of the stick. He at least has the option to choose, but you can do nothing but passively sit wait and helplessly overthink everything. Fuck I'm mad.

There's only one advice I can give: as much as you feel like it's not a priority right now, focus on yourself. Try do do things that make you happy, try new hobbies, go out, live a fulfilled life. Because if he gets the idea that's he's really hurting you he might find it an easy way out, to break up with you and play it off like he did the right thing to ease his guilt. Talk to him, but carefully so you don't overdo it. It's a painful conversation and having too much of it will have an opposite effect. Try balancing between looking confident and happy without him, but also make him feel the consequences of not having you in his life. Best of luck, and remember that you also have the option to end the relationship if it becomes unbearable. And if you do, the more power to you.

No. 197403

thank you so much nonie, that's exactly it, and yes I've been trying to keep busy and it's hard but I'm trying I've been talking with one of our mutual friends and he seems to agree that he's being irrational and that he doesn't get the issue. Like its not even about moving in together its just about whatever crept in his mind (I think this whole change brought a lot of questions for himself where he stands at his job and so) Thank you for your kindness I really appreciate the thoughts

No. 197430

You deserve to have someone that enthusiastically chooses to be with you, not someone who is wish-washy and ultimately just stays because he couldn't find anything better. Funnily enough you can do way better than him, his non-decisive milquetoast personality is disgusting. He is shooting himself in the foot by doing this. Hopefully this gives you time to realize you deserve way better than this pathetic retard.

No. 197480

Are dating apps the way to go about it? I'm kind of wary. I feel like meeting someone through friends would be a safer way, but… I moved to a new city and don't have any friends here, rip

No. 197481

File: 1626081089719.png (Spoiler Image,7.69 MB, 1125x2436, 7B49556A-7668-43E4-AD12-1A8167…)

if your friends have someone they think you’d like and you trust them, it makes sense to give them a chance. as for dating apps, the experience is largely negative but rarely people find a healthy relationship through it. best part of it is being able to practice talking to new people, since you can just stop interacting with someone at any time. other positive is the embarrassing profiles and nonsensical interactions you will get from others. i would always capture the stuff that made me laugh. think of it as sifting through garbage for gold, but occasionally there’s funny stuff in the garbage to take picture of.

No. 197486

Things are going too well… We are entering our second year together and all we want to do is spend every second of the day with each other. It's obviously not all great, or I wouldn't be posting here, but I feel like we've established a precedent now that we can't move beyond.

Each day (so much so now due to work from home options) we cuddle, sleep in, watch the same television shows, go back to cuddling when we start to get bored, sit on top of each other, exercise together, cook lunch together, shame each other for using our phones if we start not to give the other any attention, play Stardew Valley on the switch, cook dinner together, order wine/beer into the house and drink it of a night, shower together (morning and night), have sex (every. single. night.), fall asleep cuddling.

Now this is all great. The reason we do all this is because everything was/is going so well. I have never been as in love as I am with a person/just committed to them in such a certain way/functioning so well in a relationship…. but honestly, it's a lot. It sometimes feels like too much. Occasionally, because of our jobs, we spend nights away from each other…. and I have to pretend that I am just as upset when we do, but actually it is such a fucking relief! that I can browse the websites I want to, play the games I want to, get a moment to myself to read outside, MASTURBATE! (I was single for a long time this is a self-care/regulatory thing for me), just browse shitty social media sites, listen to music with HEADPHONES! jesus I miss headphones.

Basically. We are too in love. I feel like we are forgetting ourselves and the outside world and are way too focused on us as a couple and a relationship. But up until recently, I was a completely willing participant and as much to blame for it getting this way. How do I pull back? How do I establish some space again? Really, more than anything, I can't keep having sex again and again, every single night… I really need space to regenerate how horny I feel when our bodies are constantly on display so candidly and mundanely in the shower, bathroom, getting dressed, and forever naked when we sleep.

No. 197487

I think it's better to meet people more "organically" than through apps but I know of two marriages that started with tinder so it's not impossible to find someone there too with some luck.

No. 197489

Just say it like it is - "hey I need more space and alone time, we've been breathing down each other's neck too much lately". You know, communicate directly what you want. This will start a conversation about your personal space/time boundaries.
If he doesn't seem willing to respect those boundaries, drop him.
>We are too in love
That's not love, love doesn't feel suffocating and there can never be too much love. There can however be too much intimacy. Get your precious privacy back. Privacy is necessary for having basic human dignity.

No. 197494

Im in the exact same boat! I just talked to my partner about it and he revealed he felt the same. We started spending more time alone and committing to a time to meet back up again and hang out (so all day we'll do our own thing but at 5 we'll meet to cook and eat food/watch something). He's actually just visiting family for a week and for the first time in forever i feel fully relaxed. We all need time apart no matter how in love we are so just be honest and if he responds negatively or doesn't understand i'd start to get a bit worried!

No. 197509

God I wish that were me.

No. 197820

Is the pain of a breakup greater than the pain of staying in a resentful, unhappy relationship? That’s where I’m at rn

No. 197853

What the actual fuck

No. 197854

Kind of sounds like you're being groomed into a ddlg situation tbh. He straight up planned to infantilise you and jumped on the chance to execute his stupid prank. I'm not going to kinkshame you (in this thread at least) but that isn't the sort of thing you want to just fall into, you need to be having many honest and clear headed conversations about your dynamics.

No. 197856

File: 1626293390019.jpg (27.56 KB, 600x600, 0D422F51-BA74-422C-8C71-EB026E…)

hi nonitas, I'm this >>194016 anon again. My boyfriend has thankfully not brought the word up again BUT to keep a long story short, he was extremely and oddly condescending last night after I said "ew" in response to something, which i always have and he asked me why I said that (to be fair he had brought it up before a few times too, "why do you always say 'ew'?"), I said because i found it gross and thought he would drop it like the previous times but instead he told me it didn't fit the context, then gave an example of something that would be "ew" and I asked what his problem with the word was and we started having friendly banter, he said that i was using it inappropriately and i told him that was subjective, then he said it's a childish word for childish people and I told him kids aren't the only ones that say ew and didn't know where he was getting that from and then he went to the fridge and got out a juicebox and gave it to me and said it was for me because children drank juiceboxes. At the time i didn't realize he had obviously planned it, i mean, he had to buy the juicboxes, and hide them, because i never saw them, and was waiting for that moment. Instead I thought he was trying to be condescending and drank from the juicebox and taunted him because the "juice tastes better out of a box" and that it was a shame he couldn't enjoy it because he thought it was only for children. He was just kinda laughing and picked me up and said it was "beddy-bye time, missy" and that he was going to read me a "bedtime story" since i wanted to act like a child. I shouldn't have let him do it but I let him carry me to bed. He didn't tell me a story or anything because i changed the conversation and we talked about our day instead. It wasn't sexual, we just fell asleep afterwards and i also looked for signs to see if he was horny but he wasn't, so that put my mind somewhat at ease. I say somewhat because i am angry he infantilized me now thinking back and because i was the one unbelievably horny. I'm very ashamed of my self to say the least, idk how to feel.

I'm so sorry you had to read that anon! i spoiled since it's kind of ddlg/ageplay-esque gross, i know.

No. 197858

Idk how to backtrack now. It's like he circumvented the boundary i implied was there when i told him i thought calling a partner daddy was gross. Despite that, i let him talk to me that way, give me the juicebox and carry me to bed just like a dad would, so I'm a hypocrite. I will probably tell him he exploited a maladaptive coping mechanism or something. I really don't wanna indulge in this kink

No. 197861

What a cringe situation lmao. Also you didn’t brush your teeth after drinking juice? Ew

No. 197863

Definitely not anon. Breakups may hurt at first but eventually you'll be frolicking and singing in the meadows with your newfound freedom. You already know the relationship is trash and causing you pain, time to move on.

No. 197865

no, but it was just apple juice and i had brushed b4 that

No. 197872

he's very clearly simulating grooming a child. he knows you weren't into the "daddy" thing, and now he's going to incrementally tear down the boundary you set in place. the ageplay shit isn't sexual now, but it will be. if he knows about your past abuse, he knows your susceptible to reenacting it. even if he doesn't know, you may have given him other cues about your past or current mental state that led him to believe you're vulnerable to acting out his sexual fantasies even if they make you uncomfortable. please end your relationship for your own sake. this will not end well for you.

No. 197873

I think you should figure out what you are and aren't okay with, then talk to him. If you're okay with infantilization but not incest stuff, tell him. If you're okay with condescending and nurturing behavior but not infantilization, tell him that. Pick a cute name together that you're both comfortable with to call him. Papi, mister, etc. Find out what your are okay with so that these things can be mutually enjoyable. And do your best to avoid calling what he likes gross, even if it is to you. Express that you don't like it without making him feel judged for liking it (unless he's an actual pedo or something)

No. 197874

But he should feel judged for liking it and he is gross. Fuck his feelings.

No. 197875

Why should you feel bad for calling someone with pedo tendencies disgusting? Especially if that someone with pedo tendencies knows you've struggled with past childhood trauma?

No. 197886

This is really not ok, he's trying to force you into a fetish and manipulating your behavior/feelings at the same time. Get away from this creep, please.

No. 197887

Uh why are you encouraging this? Don't you see how bad this could get from a beginning like that? The fact he planned out this manipulative act involving anon without her consent and manipulated her feelings. There is no discussion, he already set the situation in place with what he wants.
He decides what he wants to do to anon and manipulates her into it. If he was the kind of guy to discuss her boundaries and wants he would have done that beforehand, instead of launching into DDLG ageplay behavior without anon's consent.

No. 197889

Samefag, quote from anon
>It's like he circumvented the boundary i implied was there when i told him i thought calling a partner daddy was gross.

A man who circumvents boundaries from the get-go is not going to make an agreement with anon about what she wants, and keep to it. It's all about him. It's delusional to suggest they discuss this together and make rules for a fetish anon has already made clear she is uncomfortable being part of.

No. 197950

File: 1626362634403.jpg (8.77 KB, 240x240, 1622503157093.jpg)

you guys, i think i may be the perverted one and was projecting after giving it alot more thought than I should've because he took a juice box to work this morning for himself????? I made his lunch and put it in his bag and he checked to see what and then just went to the fridge got a juice box and threw it in there, so. He might just have been making fun of me, he tends to mock me playingly alot. I was going to bring it up yesterday but couldn't find the right moment to

No. 197952

it might be better i didn't bring it up because then he might have thought i'm weird for thinking he bought the juice boxes to pull that on me, when he clearly did just to take to work(?

No. 197953

File: 1626363523340.jpg (29.15 KB, 741x414, E0Zn-JyX0AIRUrJ kopyası.jpg)

guy i flirted with heavy at a party asked me out but he has a gf(i just found out) what do? dont say block him ive never felt this type of intense attraction and lust towards anyone since my teenage horny years but i have the willpower to not fuck him because i'd have that guilty conscience until i die. I want to ask him in person if he has a gf but what do i even do if he says yes sit down and talk about my feelings? this is such a shitty situation

No. 197959

imagine yourself as the gf and him going behind your back like that
then block him

No. 197960

Tell his gf then block him wtf

No. 197961

Don't be a stupid bitch. Block him

No. 197964

i'm taking this as a no to seeing him irl but shouldn't i ask him if its true over text at least? because someone else told me about the gf not him so maybe they're not together

No. 197966

if he says yes just say "understandable, have a nice day" and then leave.
it'll be more easy for him to lie over text, if you ask irl and he says no, you can always kind of gauge his face and reaction to see if he might be lying. Also have him explain why someone would say he has a gf, he couldn't possibly come up with something fast, or you can gauge his tone etc

No. 197975

File: 1626369271233.jpg (39.23 KB, 540x405, 1617002027498.jpg)

i'm so confused with whats going on but i have to hear it from him, for context it was my roommates grad party and apparently almost everyone at the party knew about the gf(its long-term) but no one warned me and people who didnt know were egging me on to make a move on him. Plus, couple of weeks before the party my roommate who is his friend was casually like oh i have this friend(him) i'll set you(me) up with him, i forgot about this by the time of the party but i happened to like him and when i realized it was him she was talking about before i thought he must be single if she was thinking of setting me up with him????who sets a taken guy with another girl??? fast forward she's saying he has a gf(she didnt even tell it to me btw roommate told it to another friend and that friend told me and i had to ask the roommate directly to confirm), i feel so stupid i feel like i made a fool out of myself at the party

No. 197976


He got defensive when you said "ew" about his fetish and then sneakily circumvented your obvious implicit boundaries, so it's kind of a moot point whether he bought the juice specifically for this or not. He's behaving very poorly towards you.

One thing I will say is your posts seem to trail off in a "… but maybe I actually like this?" direction, especially your first one, but it also really doesn't seem like you like this at all. It seems more like you're making excuses for him/for yourself not managing to communicate perfectly. I think your best chance at fixing this (other than dumping him for repeatedly disrespecting boundaries) is to have a very clear zero banter conversation about this with him, explaining what you do or don't like and that you're legit uncomfortable with him doing some of this even if in the moment it seemed harmless, with no room for him to decide you're "just being coy" or whatever. But I should stress that none of this should be your responsibility in the first place, it's an issue of him not being able to recognise boundaries, so please don't shy away from making the conversation a serious one.

No. 197977

>ive never felt this type of intense attraction and lust towards anyone since my teenage horny years but i have the willpower to not fuck him because i'd have that guilty conscience until i die

i think you should be very careful about finding yourself excuses to meet up with him, then

No. 197981

Sorry lol, samefag again I really didn't read your post so he asked you out. Just say his mutual friend between you two said he has a girlfriend and you can't confirm a date with him until he tells you the truth.

No. 197984

im gonna be straight up and tell him ive heard he has a gf, i dont think i'll be able to see him as a friend and i'm afraid of doing something that will cross the line if we meet again which is why i dont want to see him because i respect his relationship, does it sound cringe? also i have an exam in couple of days and this stuff is completely occupying my mind rn i cant study should i wait until the exam is over?(we were supposed to meet after my exam) idk if i'll be able to think more or less about him if i text him and get over with this now

No. 197986

File: 1626375188414.jpg (29.49 KB, 400x533, EsM8KtDXIAYNWTJ.jpg)

>obvious implicit boundaries
I never really told him I wouldn't call him it, just told him i found it gross, and after he brought it up again after despite me saying that i finally asked why he wanted me to say it and he said he didn't know so I left it at that, and posted about it. The replies convinced me that this was definitely not something i wanted to call him and i was hoping for the next time he brought it up so i could tell him i wasn't going to call him it and to quit asking so it was clear to him that way he couldn't ever say he interpreted my silence to mean yes or that i'm thinking about it anymore. He didn't bring it up so I didn't get my chance and this happened instead.

>it's kind of a moot point whether he bought the juice specifically for this or not

yeah i know that still doesn't explain the baby-talking, but again, idk if he was just playing and it has nothing to do with the daddy thing. Plus he also just has a very fatherly personality? not just towards me, but towards his mom, his sister, his grandma, his younger cousins, his friends. Like just a few days ago he was helping his friend file job applications, literally an adult man helping another adult man.

>One thing I will say is your posts seem to trail off in a "… but maybe I actually like this?" direction, especially your first one, but it also really doesn't seem like you like this at all

The only thing I don't like at all is that I DO like it. I was unsure before, but I got my confirmation by becoming unmistakably aroused. I can't try to lie to myself or say it was something else that made me feel that way. It usually takes alot for me to get horny, and lengthy foreplay, but it was instant with this. If he had wanted to have sex I probably would have let him. I really don't know how I willed myself to sleep. The only reason I don't think this is ageplay or ddlg though is because I didn't feel myself regress or anything? I think I'm just the weird one with a normie boyfriend, I will just stop it as soon as it starts next time if it does and not engage, I should've slapped the juice box out of his hand.

No. 197987

I think you're making a lot of excuses for him because you love him a lot and you don't want him to be creepy. I had abusive experiences as a kid with an adult and for awhile I thought I was into weird fetishes like that, but I think you are still traumatized from your past experiences and are attracted to the idea of being taken care of because you didn't have that as a kid. You keep replying like you're afraid you're the one who's a creep and your bf is normal, but he was the one who brought up being called daddy and stuff. It's normal for you to have complicated feelings about fetishes like this but I'm glad you are not indulging them because it is self-destructive. Think about how creepy it is that a man would get off on this weird larp, not about your own feelings about it if that makes sense.

You mention he has a fatherly personality already, but think about it. If he picked up his sister or his younger cousins and did that weird baby-talk, bedtime story thing he did with you, wouldn't you be weirded out? What about if he did it to one of his female friends? Would you be able to excuse it the same way, or is it definitely something intertwined with being romantic/sexual? Even if you guys didn't end up having sex, it still seems really weird to me. I'm glad that you're nipping it in the bud and you understand that you "liking" it is unhealthy, but my advice is to look at your bf's behavior more carefully because he might be subtle about his interest in these kinds of fetishes now that he knows you're against them. It sounds paranoid but I've seen it happen, where a guy eases his gf into things she's not interested in and she gives in because she thinks she likes it due to past abuse. It's a trauma response and moids manipulate that.

No. 197989

>i'm afraid of doing something that will cross the line if we meet again
How would you be unable to control yourself? I don't give a fuck how attractive someone is, if they're shitty enough to attempt cheating on their partner, their attractiveness completely sinks. Are you an animalistic creature who only acts on pure instinct or are you a human born with intelligence and the ability to withstand something you know is wrong? Fucking hate that "can't control myself" excuse. Yes you can. Go see him in real life, confront the retard, if it's true then embarrass the faggot and tell his girlfriend. If it's false then continue your relationship with him. Imagine being so pathetic you're letting a scrote who will start balding in a few years override your morals.

No. 197990

You are making so many excuses for him. You are not the weird one, you are literally traumatized and he is trying to take advantage of that. Think about it: what kind of sicko infantilizes his girlfriend, who has been betrayed and traumatized as a child, and fetishizes that? He is not nurturing, he is not loving and he does not respect you. He is using your trauma to get off. Please I beg you anon, if you love and value yourself at least a little bit, you will get away from this man. Trust me, there are wonderful men out there who are nurturing and gentle who aren't into weird pedo garbage.

No. 198003

>he was the one who brought up being called daddy and stuff
I feel like the word daddy just has been meme'd into relationships and that may be why he brought it up.
>If he picked up his sister or his younger cousins and did that weird baby-talk, bedtime story thing he did with you, wouldn't you be weirded out? What about if he did it to one of his female friends?
Well if he did it with them, it wouldn't be in a romantic/sexual way, so I would think it wasn't romantic/sexual when he did it with me? but he hasn't done anything similar with them…. So i'm tempted to think he did it in a romantic way? maybe
>but my advice is to look at your bf's behavior more carefully because he might be subtle about his interest in these kinds of fetishes now that he knows you're against them
This actually is something I was thinking about. I thought the daddy thing was odd but that it was all there was to it. Then this happens and I'm not sure if it's part of the tip of the iceberg/related. I feel if i talk to him about it and say something negative, he'll stop being uninhibited, so that's why i've held off.

He didn't get off to it at all, he fell asleep before me, and I swear he wasn't even a little bit horny despite having a higher libido than me, he didn't do or say any of the things he does when he is, plus I looked specifically to see if he was.

I feel i'm shitting up the thread now and I've mostly just been venting this whole time so i'll stop now and update later if anything happens or i make a decision. Really sorry about that I just don't have friends to talk to this about to get input from especially no female ones.

No. 198005

He already knows you're uncomfortable, so he's testing the waters before he pushes your boundaries even further. Don't be sorry about shitting up the thread, rather be sorry about not listening to well-meaning anons. The fact that he's even giving you these doubts and you're posting about it here in the first place means deep down you know he's a fucking creep. Hopefully you fully realize that before it's too late.

No. 198017

>Imagine being so pathetic you're letting a scrote who will start balding in a few years override your morals.
i needed to hear this, ilysm nonnie, done and done im ghosting him

No. 198022

Love you anon good job

No. 198070

I'm about to move in with my fiance, should I tell him I have aspergers or let him keep thinking I'm just weird?

No. 198078

It's kind of alarming that you'd be engaged to someone and still keeping it secret. How long were you dating before the engagement?

I wasn't yet diagnosed when I was in my last live-in relationship. I have a lot of sensitivity to noise and that became a huge issue because my partner thought I was being unreasonable when I needed so much quiet time at home. He didn't understand why it was such an issue for me. Post diagnosis we broke up, as in immediately after my diagnosis. We'd lived together for 3 years prior to that. Harsh as this sounds..quirks and mental health issues can be worked on and can improve in the long run but autism is a permanent thing you can't change. That's why it's so important for partners to know this upfront. If he's blaming your eccentricities on other factors he might be signing up thinking you can change.

I think being engaged before living together is premature too tbh, its not ideal for non autistic relationships either but especially with autism/sensory issues to contend with. Sharing a living space can be hard, autism makes it harder. You need to see how that works out for a while first.

No. 198080

Anon you should've told him long ago, he deserves to know what he's dealing with and what he's agreeing to when you marry.

No. 198081

Anon, why haven't you told him earlier? Wtf, you should tell at least now. It'll be worse if you will keep hiding it, he will feel betrayed if you keep it as a secret.

No. 198093

For millennia people with what's now called aspergers married and lived normally. Contrary to what other anons are saying, it's perfectly ok to just be considered weird, and not use the newest psych buzzwords to define yourself to your loved one.
Asperger's was coined just a few years ago, what do those anons think people did until then lol. It's silly to put such weight on something people didn't even recognize as a "problem" until like yesterday.

No. 198115

just because there wasn't a word to describe it doesn't mean it didn't manifest itself as a problem in relationships

No. 198123

>lived normally
>what do those anons think people did until then lol
do you think everyone just lived peaceful, healthy relationships? That just because people reproduced that autism didn't cause problems in people's lives? This is like the equivalent of saying "What do you think people did before they discovered lung cancer? Did they smoke and.. DIE? lmao!!"

No. 198148

While I agree with other anons that you should tell your fiance you have aspergers, I don't think it's as dramatic as some replies make it to sound like. You're engaged and I'm pretty sure it implies you've already spent a lot of time together, including some kind of vacations and so on, where you'd spend more than few hours with him alone, he's already seen your quirks and just adding the name to them will not make any huge difference. Explain why you waited so long with confessing it and I hope it will all be ok.

No. 198173

How do I keep from feeling like I'm losing my sense of identity in a relationship? I feel like my life revolves around my bf right now. We've been together 4 months and I'm happy with him, but he's my first bf and I spent a long time being single and independent. We have a couple shared hobbies so even when I indulge in those I still feel like it's not really "me time". Does this feeling go away? Should I just let myself enjoy the "honeymoon period" and not worry so much?

No. 198210

So my boyfriend kind of raised his voice at me today and I don't know how to feel. I had some problem (not related to him) and I wanted some support. He was busy but he called me, but he didn't want to talk about it and we just watched a show. But I kept trying to talk about it because I just really wanted him to be there for me, and he got so annoyed, his voice got really cold and hateful. It was over the phone but he never talked to me this way before. I like BDSM and I like him being aggressive with me in that context, but this wasn't that. He wasn't shouting but I could tell he was extremely irritated. Am I overreacting? I knew he was busy, but he was just at home doing something, nothing that would've prevented him from talking to me a bit aside from him not wanting to. Maybe I should've just appreciated him giving me any attention despite not feeling like it (since he really hates doing that when he wants alone time), but I just feel so weird now. I tried apologizing and explaining why I was upset, but he said he didn't want my apologies or explanations and I should just leave him alone. He said everything was okay but he wants to chill by himself. We had issues of me not giving him enough space in the past and I'm trying to work on that. Just feels like I failed at that again because I wanted more than he was willing to give and I fucked it up again. And I can't even apologize because it just annoys him. I guess I just don't know how to feel because I only had two relationships in the past, and neither of them got irritated like this with me. And he was always so calm except for one occasion, but that was a long time ago.

No. 198211

Help me out girls please answer quickly!
Theres this guy I was into two years ago, I invited him out we went in a couple dates them next time I invited him out again he said he was broke and we never went out again. I started dating soon after and now I've broken up and he's inviting me out saying it's BC he feels like he missed out going out with me more. He has a stable job now but is kinda fatter so Idk if I'll be attracted to him when we we met (haven't seen him since the beginning of the pandemic) I feel like I'm above his levels in looks even though I've let myself go a little but he's funny and really fun to hang out with but I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him in that way anymore. I scheduled a date for tomorrow BC we were waiting for me to get immunized but Im not sure if going is leading him on but I don't wanna be rude since we are friends.
Do you gals think I should just cancel it or is it okay to go and just have fun?
If I just have a friendly hangout( no kiss, no makeout) would I be deceiving him in any way?

No. 198215

As long as your intentions are clear, Go and have fun, dummy. You’re not as important to him as you may think

No. 198218

Wow, it's almost like men who treat women like objects in bed don't see them as people, and hate when they have needs and emotions outside of being their fleshlight? Who would have known?

No. 198221

I don't think you're overreacting at all, anon. If your partner comes to you in need of support, even if you'd rather be alone in that moment, you should be willing to set that aside to help your partner through their problem. If anything he overreacted by responding so coldly and telling you to leave him alone (wtf??). Is he normally unsupportive/not good at responding to your needs and feelings?

No. 198222

>engages in BDSM
>wonders why other aspects of the relationship are shit
what are you confused about exactly

No. 198223

I mean, regarding BDSM, he always pays attention to me and never does something I don't want. He really makes sure I feel safe. And he is not always this unsupportive, it's just that this time he really didn't want to deal with me, but I still don't feel like I deserved his reactions. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but it surprised me. Until now it was pretty much impossible to upset him with anything.

Well, he said I already complained too much about him not spending enough time with me and he wanted to work on something (he goes through these periods when he is really focused and doesn't want to be bothered). But tbh I didn't complain all that much lately, even today I wasn't bothering him and yesterday he called me to hang out for hours so I wasn't feeling neglected. I had a fight with my mom, she told me I deserved bad things to happen to me, that my boyfriend doesn't love me, stuff like that. She does this pretty often and it always really upsets me, but my boyfriend is kind of like he can't help me at this point because it happened so often. But I didn't want him to solve things, just wanted a little bit of reassurance. But I think he took it as me using the fight with my mom as an excuse to annoy him to spend time with me. One time my mom went really crazy on me and he protected me so much then. And I guess he tried to set time aside for me even now. But I was upset and wanted a bit more support. It just sucks because I want to talk these things over, but his way of dealing with it is to avoid me and chill by himself. I have a tendency to start apologizing and try to make things right immediately, but he is really not receptive to that.

No. 198224

Idk anon. I understand a need for alone time but it's weird that he's SO defensive of his alone time that he takes you wanting to spend more time together as complaining or annoying and it's almost as though he's bestowing some gift upon you or appeasing you by spending time with you instead of…just spending time with you because he wants to and he loves you? As though you're a child pestering their parent for some candy or something. Unless you are genuinely excessive in your need for time together that is odd to me. I also understand if the issue with your mom is one that's come up so often before that he feels he can't help or that it's not worth talking about again, but from what you said that wasn't really his problem, it was that he thought you were using it as an excuse to spend time together, which again, is just such a weird approach to spending time with your s/o, that you think they would need to pull some kind of trick to have quality time with you.

No. 198226

I think it has genuinely been an issue before even if he didn't approach it correctly back then, but we did spend pretty much all day every day in a call. It suited me but he said he just wanted to do his own stuff more. Which is fine. We still spend a lot of time together but I don't get sad if he wants a day to himself, or even a couple of days because even then we message each other. The only times I said something recently was when he didn't call me for days, and then another time when he just completely ignored me for three days to the point I was lowkey worried, he would message me like once a day and he said I should be fine even if he wanted to not talk to me for a week and that he shouldn't even have to say anything. But we still call most days and I'm happy with that. I have abandonment issues but I acknowledge them and I really have been giving him space. And this was in the evening, I knew he was doing stuff so I was doing my own things all day. I know he is the type of person who sometimes really likes to not talk to anyone for days, but it's a bit extreme to me sometimes.

No. 198275

sis he doesn't love you, it's obvious

No. 198323

This is emotional abuse. It just is. You have abandonement issues already and you're putting yourself through this… get out and look into getting help. Ask yourself why you ever settled for this or how you got to the point where you second guessed whether this is ok treatment or not. This clearly is not a man who gives a damn about you. His actions scream that.

No. 198338

File: 1626571389317.jpg (115.59 KB, 1280x874, liara_by_farv_d4uikhj-fullview…)

So my boyfriend's always criticising stuff I like. For example I really like Mass Effect and he loves shitting on it every single chance he gets. Am I being too sensitive?

No. 198339

tell him chill and stop picking on a girl it's gay lol

No. 198342

Abuse tactic. Run.

No. 198345

cheat on him

No. 198359

Negging, he wants you to get used to degrading yourself so he can get away with more. He's also most likely cheating and is waiting to either trick you into forgiving him or waiting for the opportunity to drop you.


No. 198366

Him not sharing your opinion on a game is fine but when you describe it as him bashing it every chance he can that seems controlling or like hes punishing you for not sharing the exact same tastes as him.

Ideally you should both have a couple of interests in common but then there's usually plenty of room to enjoy things that the other partner just doesn't share your enthusiasm for. Basically you don't try and ruin your partners enjoyment of something harmless unless you're a selfish asshole and you think everything alway has to revolve around you.

No. 198429

>Am I being too sensitive?
Sometimes I wonder what the fuck goes on in you people's minds. Do your friends also shit on your interests out of no where? Is that the type of people you love to be surrounded by? I don't give a shit how much you want his cock or are attracted to him or his "good sides", he's a typical scrote negging you. Wake the fuck up. If your man isn't treating you how you want, stop giving him free attention and wasting your time.

No. 198477

I don't fucking get it either, even when my self-esteem was at my lowest I didn't let people treat me like that. If they are really incapable of scrounging up any sort of self-esteem, I wish they'd ask themselves, "would I accept it if my daughter's boyfriend treated her like this?" I hope that would be enough for them to dumb their nigel's retarded ass.

No. 198548

Sigh I vent about my bf here and end up not taking action in real life. I will take my clown nose now.

No. 198723

File: 1626845547654.gif (1.38 MB, 407x275, 4k85q0lihqfy.gif)

Sorry in advance if this is the wrong thread for this, probably could have posted this in Vent but anons in there sperg about bf talk sometimes.

My bf of a few months used to be really good friends with this girl for a couple years before he met me – he also had intense one-sided feelings for her and after a while they had a falling out and stopped talking. That was about a year and a half ago – about a month ago, she texted him trying to reconnect and he left her on read, then a few weeks later he unfollowed her on social media and removed her as a follower wherever possible when she started liking his posts again. I'm not worried about my bf giving this girl any more time, he's been honest with me about his past with her and how it's unfair and disrespectful to both himself and me to hold on to a person that didn't really give a shit about him – my concern started when I found out that after he unfollowed her on twitter she started subtweeting about him (things like "guess it's not worth being the bigger person," etc.). She also coincidentally sent that first text soon after the first time my bf posted a pic of me on his social media. Idk why this makes me so anxious, imo my bf is doing everything right by ignoring her and prioritizing me, and her being petty on twitter should only reinforce that she was a bad friend and not worth his time – I think I'm concerned she will only get more annoying as time goes on and he continues to ignore her? I'm hoping she's just slighted over their friendship ending but I'm worried she just wants him back in her orbit. She's the kboo twitterfag "she/they" type, who are historically crazy, so that doesn't help. I think part of me also feels bad for her, even though she has a TON of friends and shouldn't feel bad about losing my bf as a "friend", if that's what she actually saw him as. This is so stupid. How do I stop giving a shit about this?

No. 198728

Nonas, where to find new guys other than tinder? I don't have a good experience with the app, I'd love to meet someone organically but I don't know where.
How did you meet your bf?

No. 198729

Bumble and OkCupid are other dating apps. Also you could try going on Meetups and meet people there

No. 198735

your boyfriend sucks, mass effect is fantastic and he shouldn't feel the need to shit on your interests constantly. break up with him, trust me, he's just gonna keep doing it. speaking from experience sadly

No. 198737

Your boyfriend has done everything right. He’s been upfront and honest about this, he told you without your prodding him to do so. He’s unfollowed and isn’t entertaining her nonsense, she sounds like she’s trying incredible hard to talk to him as well and he’s still ignoring her. At the end of the day you need to remember he’s with you now, the person who he has really strong feelings for is no longer her it’s you. That should be enough to put your mind at ease, he had the option to jump ship when she texted and he ignored her in favour of you. You’ve got this anon, this is coming from someone who went through a similar situation and was incredibly anxious. He sounds like a good one anon. Wish you two the best of luck

No. 198752

I don't quite know how I got into this situation honestly, but I'm an uptight virgin casually dating (in an open relationship with?) a girl who has sex with a lot of randos & who's encouraging me to have sex with other people as 'training wheels' for having sex with her.
We met at a part a month ago and she already seems very attached to me (certainly more attached than she is with the people she hooks up with, a guy told me quite glumly that she rambled about me for ages after they slept together) and keeps introducing me to people with "and I like her so much". I know she has BPD & i'm more or less familiar with the putting people on a pedestal stuff that that includes but I have no idea why I'm that person for her. Maybe because I'm the most steady and use the least drugs, so I seem more reliable? But I'm also afraid of being naked in front of anyone and she is extremely sexual so I have no idea what she's getting out of this except that we share the same semi-obscure music taste and she finds me funny. I wasn't expecting anything serious to come of this and I was going in with 'I'm 19, I may as well start experimenting now before it becomes embarrassing that I haven't has sex or gotten drunk yet' mindset, but she's already asked me to move in with her. Several people from the same scene are trying their best to introduce me to drugs and I suspect this is the environment in which a cult could form, if you know what I mean.
I'm trying my best to go with the flow because I find it all kind of hilarious objectively but is this like… an unsafe situation? Am I being incredibly stupid, or is this just something everyone goes through as a young adult? I've been by myself for so long with my only interactions being on imageboards that I have no real idea what's normal for parties and such. Thank you in advance for advice!

No. 198753

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I wonder the same thing. All I see on tinder are tatted fuckboys, a few rare normie guys who think they deserve 9/10s, and Womack types. And they're all "open to casual" (vom)

I'm no catch myself, and I can't socialize, but tinder makes me even more depressed. Also, didn't dating apps show how all men regardless of age went for 20 y olds?

What even is the point if you're a below average adult woman with autism? You'll get pumped and dumped instantly.

No. 198754

It's a horrible environment anon, please wriggle out gracefully. There's no good ending here.
This girl sounds very exciting, if you really like her, resist doing what she appears to want. Sounds like she's testing you. I think what she really wants is somebody stable who truly only wants her. If she's a bippie, she might even change her behaviour to be more like you and come out of that scene. More likely, she'll have a horrible rage and flip on you, but that was going to happen regardless.
Please take care of yourself nonnie.

No. 198757

i didn't consider that it could be a test, hm. She's exciting but I feel like that's a result of her making a lot of bad decisions. despite that, she's in uni & i languish in a neet hovel, so maybe im doing something wrong idk. i'm pointedly refusing to do many drugs, though, because she informed me she had a pill addiction when she was 15 & i don't want her to end up doing more because of me.
i'm going to tread lightly regardless and i'm trying to be smart about things. thank you for your concern, nonna

No. 198765

This is the "bad company" parents warn you about.
>We met at a part a month ago […] but she's already asked me to move in with her.

No. 198776

Sounds like you're dating Nika from /snow/

No. 198792

I've been "e-dating" someone I've met online for a few months and we come from completely different backgrounds and countries (more than 5 hours flight apart). Is it realistic this will work out? One of us will have to relocate for each other.

Have any nonnas had a successful LDR or relationship after meeting someone online?

No. 198798

Don't worry about your age, from my experience (late 20s) even much younger guys go for any age as long as you have good pics.
The problem is the guys you find on there, I feel they're much worse than men you randomly meet irl.
Trying to find dates on tinder feels like getting your food from dumpster-diving.

No. 198804

That actually makes me feel a whole lot better, especially hearing that you went through the same thing and also felt anxious about it. I felt kind of silly worrying about it but I just know I have a good thing with this guy and don't want anyone ruining it. You're right though, I don't need to worry about her and I know where his priorities are. Thank you anon!

No. 198808

I've had a core group of online friends (met through a messageboard) for over 15 years. One of the guys reached out a while ago to say he always found me cute etc etc., and wanted to know if we could ever be a thing. He lives in US and me UK. It was nice initially to have this guy want to be with me more than any woman in his country lol, but like, realistically, moving to America is hard to do, and he didn't want to move to UK. After about 2 weeks of this fantasy talk I just put us back on a friend only type relationship. He now has a gf lol.

I honestly don't know how people can e-date for weeks or months. Like the conversation just kept changing to, "so when are we going to meet?" like how do you placate the desire to be physical with someone in a different country?

My brother on the other hand had an American gf. He spent 3 months in US, and she would visit him. She ended up getting detained because she over stayed her visa and we all had to help fund her to get her back home.

I think when you consider those types of relationships you have to also be considering uprooting your life to move country and would need to actually research that.

No. 198810

Yeah, I feel you. It feels so pointless to wade through a sea of degens for a small chance of a normal guy - and then you'll end up worshipping that guy just out of comparison to the others.

No. 198819

I’m confused about how my boyfriends sex drive works. I was a virgin before I met him and this is the first relationship I’ve ever been in that included sex. He has started to tell me that he doesn’t feel horny or want to have sex via text before we hang out which kind of confuses me. I don’t usually wake up feeling horny. A lot of days I will tell myself that I don’t feel like have sex, but when we start kissing I get aroused and want to have sex with him anyway. He doesn’t have the same experience. Do I just not arouse my partner? I thought it was normal for people not feel aroused until their partner starts kisses or touching them, but the way he describes it is like he’s already horny when he wakes up and waits to be with me. Is this normal?

No. 198820

I've never had the experience of a 'no sex tonight' text in advance from a guy, ever. That stands out as pretty odd. Later down the line when you're living together I've heard of (and experienced) warning your partner right before bedtime that you're 'extra tired' and want to just sleep. That's a really short warning though right before slipping into bed. Not an announcement before you've even arrived.

I can see why you're questioning this. Ngl my mind would wander and start to think he's up to something if he's that confident in announcing sex is off the cards for the day. Or I'd wonder if he maybe highly favors porn and saves himself for a fap session over the option of actual sex.
>the way he describes it is like he’s already horny when he wakes up and waits to be with me
Now I really think he's getting his release through porn and that text is him essentially telling you he already got his rocks off for the day. Which is shitty if that's what it is.

No. 198823

My bf has sent me similar messages before – there are some days where his drive is so low that the thought of sex is actually off-putting, so he lets me know he probably won't be down to have sex when we hang out so I can adjust my expectations and put on less sexy underwear kek. I'm sure you do arouse him but he has to be in the right state first, if that makes sense. Does your bf take any meds that could be affecting his sex drive? If he has anxiety that could affect it as well.

No. 198887

I don't know how to end my 9 year relationship. We live together and I also don't know how to go about leaving after I end things. My family is extremely dysfunctional and I don't think I could stand living with my abusive, alcoholic mom for longer than a day. I've grown apart from everyone I used to be friends with for the most part because my boyfriend always finds flaws with anyone I get close with and it gets tiresome hearing him talk about how I choose the worst people to befriend and getting into arguments defending them. My only options are to move out of state to Texas or Hawaii where I have people I'm still close to willing to take me in & I'm leaning more towards Hawaii since it'd be with my best friend, her cousin, and her aunt. I'm scared though. I'd have to quit my job (which I've been thinking of doing anyways), deal with who is getting the cats (I actually only care about the cat I'm closest to and I don't think he'd let me take her which is upsetting), trying to set up an out of state move and packing while having him most likely whine about what a bitch I am and that I never loved him but if I went through everything wrong in our relationship, even from both sides, I know anons would call me absolutely retarded for staying and for so long. Now that I type this out I'm realizing I don't have as much holding me back as I thought except for my anxiety and the fact that I don't know how to go about a break up since I've never broken up with anyone before. I've woken up and realized we aren't compatible and it isn't worth trying anymore, I've fallen out of love. I feel like he even feels the same way but from past break up close calls I have a strong feeling he's going to try to make leaving hard while I'm in the process of getting my shit together to leave. This feels like a lot of word vomit, I just want to leave without drama but he always makes thing dramatic even when he starts out saying he doesn't care if I leave.

No. 199197

Nonitas, what to do if I'm afraid of relationships? I'm 23 and still a kissless virgin.
The reason is, my mom always used to tell me that no man would like me and pick me just because there no other options left.
I don't know why, really. I'm not ugly, if I say so myself. Men even try to flirt with me oftenly. ButI'm so afraid of them. Like they just try to fool me and give me any sort of attention as some sort of cruel joke.
Maybe it's just irrational fear, but I always feel like I'm not good enough for any man.
On the opposite, I feel kinda safe around women. But I'm afraid to date one, since I might get catfished and beaten by homophobes (many such cases in my country).

No. 199208

No. 199214

28 and still a virgin too (not klhl though), the reason being I'm schizoid and I'm scared of intimacy almost to the point of disgust. What your mom said is horrible and that's probably where your issues stem from. If you still want to try dating maybe you should try therapy to work on that.

No. 199283

My boyfriend is flabbergasted at the idea of not having a TV. So much so, that he says it's borderline abusive of me, since he games with his friends and I'd be taking that away. I just don't really care for having a bunch of new fancy tech, but my bf is the complete opposite. Is there any way to compromise?

No. 199285

Do you not want a TV at all or do you not want to buy an expensive TV?
Buy a cheap secondhand TV
Put the TV to the side or even another room if you have one
Get a projector instead of a TV because you can put it away in a cupboard

No. 199287

>he says it's borderline abusive of me
he's retarded

No. 199427

File: 1627271258474.jpg (66.77 KB, 1024x962, 1625974782668.jpg)

What do you do if the man you love is sort of a manchild? He's passionate, cutesy and everything I could ask for in a man. There's one issue with him and it's really starting to turn me off from him: he gets angry at the slightest things very easily and it can ruin his entire mood. Recently, he gets really angry at games and it's embarrassing to hear it. He throws a little tantrum at times and I absolutely hate it. It's the polar opposite from how he normally is and I'm starting to dislike him because of it. Don't get me wrong, everyone has their faults but at this point I tell him to stop playing games because it's just embarrassing to hear this cool man act kind of like a baby. I really like him and I know it can be a red flag but it's genuinely just his main flaw. Can I do anything about this? Is it normal? Please don't just say to drop him and find someone else because he's incredibly good besides this.

No. 199436

My mom was similar but less abusive (told me all men were worthless and abusive cheating assholes since I was 12) and now I’m a (mostly) KHV and a wizard to boot.
Now to be honest a good 80 percent are but there are really good ones. Just don’t wait, see if you can enroll in therapy or anything (don’t jump into a relationship, just explore a few innocent dates or flirting) because it’s a lot easier to find that decent guy when you’re younger and less jaded.

No. 199437

Call him out on it? Your only other options are to get used to it or drop him?

No. 199441

I mean, does he give you any issues outside of tard raging at games? If you're that bothered about it, I'd talk to him and ask him about it.

No. 199443

File: 1627278769245.jpg (105.04 KB, 563x708, scscaa.jpg)

I'd bring it up in a gentle way if I were you anon, but if he doesn't want to change then that's on him.

Think of this as a test of how good you think he is and how good he really is. If he takes into consideration that his rages hurt you and make you feel uncomfortable (or even unsafe), then he really is good and a fitting partner for you. If he wants to work on this bad trait because he wants to be better, for you as well as for himself, then great!

But if not, then… Anon, how good is he really?

Your post worries me because rages like that are always showing something lurking underneath. Be careful and prioritize yourself over anything else.

No. 199446

My boyfriend is the same with fighting games. I fucking hated listening to him get mad at them, he sounds so dumbs and slams the glass desk his computer is on.
I had to talk to him repeatedly about it for him to start to be more aware of it. Frankly I don't think he's fixed, it just hasn't been happening because he has been playing other games and having less time to play Vidya lol.
But yeah tell him about it, bring it up every time it happens, and maybe steer him towards less angering games/hobbies. If he cares about you he'll make an effort.

No. 199472

I dated an autist who was nice and loving, but had a few incidents where he got mad and shouted out loud. I dumped him mostly because of that, I won't tolerate yelling at all. Are my standards ridiculous?

No. 199475

Don't know if you're being serious with your last question, but I don't think you are.

No. 199476

My self esteem is low enough to be serious, I need more therapy before dating again.

No. 199481

i live in a country with extremely tough travel restrictions due to covid and there’s probably no chance of them lifting any time soon. these restrictions actually kind of forced me to move back home from overseas. my partner is still overseas and is looking at applying for a phd program (start date 2023) in my country. honestly that seems like the earliest we will ever be together and doing long distance for over a year is so fucking hard especially as there is no end in sight. my heart breaks at the prospect of breaking up because my partner is super committed to our relationship. she’s a few years older than me but i’m only 21 and it feels like i’m almost wasting my prime years in this relationship. idk. it’s not even like i want to go out and date/fuck other people but i kind of miss being single. i mean it’s basically like i’m single now but i have an obligation to call and text her on a regular basis. and talking to my girlfriend shouldn’t feel like an obligation but this whole situation is wearing me down

No. 199489

I think it depends on how people grew up, ie how frequently and how serious it was when their parents yelled. Like my dad would blow his top almost cartoonishly about a minor annoyance like once or twice a month, probably from being stressed about stuff at work or whatever, but he would calm down and apologize pretty quickly. So I tend not to take yelling that seriously if the person is just momentarily pissed off, but if someone is yelling at me for longer than a couple minutes i do start to react badly. But if for you as a kid yelling was rarer or more serious/traumatic, or you just know you react badly to it, then its very understandable to request no yelling from people, and they should have the self control to do that for you when you've expressed ypu don't like it. that is a totally reasonable standard to have.

No. 199491

I personally can't do long distance for very long because as you said, regularly contacting someone just to do it starts to feel like an obligation and isn't fun anymore. I just kind of end up talking less and less, but when im back with them its like nothing ever happened. So you could just try living more singly and not being "together apart", and if that bothers them/they get clingy or weird if you dont talk to them every day, idk thats not something i would like very much. I dont like to feel like my partner is depending on me to keep them happy or occupied, they should be able to do stuff on their own for a while without feeling that bad if im not there, especially in a ldr.

No. 199500

Anon, you're really young. Maybe your partner is truly amazing, but there doesn't have to be something inherently flawed about her to want to break up. There's nothing wrong with enjoying being single and a good amount of people even prefer it. If there's any time for you not to have obligations and just freely explore life regardless of whether you're dating people, it's now. I have done long distance for extended periods of time myself (years) and I was okay with it, but personally I found the consistent checking in/chats/sweet talk pleasant even when we weren't in person. That's just me though. I've also had a partner who said he wouldn't want to do long distance and I could understand that. For some people it's a reminder of what you can't enjoy rather than what you can. It showed we had very different outlooks, but I respected it. You owe it to yourself and your partner to cut things off if you're starting to feel like your enthusiasm and commitment isn't there. Two years is an eternity at your age. I even know some couples who broke up at your age, spent several years apart doing their own thing, then eventually got back together. One of those couples is now married. Of course you shouldn't break up unless you're okay with the risk that you will never be with this partner again, but there are other good people out in the world. Weigh losing her against the relief you'd feel over being beholden to no one but yourself. You are the most important person in your life, so do what's in your best interests.

No. 199549

Like other anons said, it's something you guys should talk about, maybe even bring up therapy if that's something you think he'd be interested in. You could also discuss how long the rage stays with him after he plays games, because like another anon said, outbursts of rage can be a symptom of something deeper. I was shocked to hear from my bf's friends that he used to throw sperg rages at video games, but that was before going through therapy prior to meeting me. I hope the conversation goes well if you decide to have it!

No. 199679

In the end, is it worth it to be in a relationship?

No. 199690

If you have to ask, no. Pursue things that you actually want.

No. 199764

IMO yes, but like the other anon said you need to focus on your interests, your hobbies, your goals – YOU. Love fell into my lap when I was thinking of other things, and it might turn out that way for you, too.

No. 199773

The thing is I'm already doing that, living and focusing on myself, but I now have the opportunity to be in a relationship and I'm reluctant. I'm not sure I want to break my solitary habits, I don't think I'd be able to give my time and affection to another person, especially for a relationship that wouldn't work in the long run (I'm adamant about never getting married or settling down). Even spending a weekend together sounds unappealing because it would take time off my personal schedule. Still, we are always encouraged to try new stuff, and I wouldn't know what to expect as long as I don't try something. That's why I'm asking if it's really worth it.

No. 199869

Posted the same text in the vent thread, just wanted some more opinions on this since I don't really know what to do about it.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months and not even once in that period of time has he complimented me on my physical looks. He has not even once told me that I look good or pretty or beautiful at any occasion. It sound really embarassing typing that out but I just want to feel pretty once in my life. My parents were abusive , humiliated me, always put me down, called me names and fatshamed me even though I was BMI 19 and made me develop an ED. I am and will never me enough for anybody despite my best efforts. No matter how much I starve or exercise or how much makeup and effort I put into looking good nobody will ever acknowlegde that. I asked him today if he found me pretty to which he replied with ''Yeah, of course you are!!'' and started trying to list features and things he likes about me and began with my hair only to have an awkward fucking 10 second pause trying to list more features of me that he likes while I was laying in his fucking arms. After the 10 fucking second break he awkwardly continued with the moles on my body and one other thing that I don't remember but I think I have never in my life felt so defeated, disappointed and embarassed upon hearing something like that.

When I later on asked my boyfriend on facetime if he finds me pretty he replied with the typical answer being ''Yeah, of course you are!!'' but upon asking why he never says it out outloud he confused me because he ''couldnt explain it''. For him complimenting someone sounds ungenuine, makes him uncomfortable, doesnt feel right to say and sounds weird in ''in his head'', in addition to that he is confused about when and how to say it because ''its just for the moment'' (???).
Why and how does it even make you uncomfortable and makes you feel weird to compliment me (especially on a special occasion like a date) when you keep asking me to suck your dick or do other things with you? He basically confirmed with his statement that he finds me ugly as fuck. I constantly compliment him in regards of his looks and personality, saying how handsome, pretty, adorable, caring and loving he is while he can't even do the same for me? I truly think that he is lying to me and just thinks that I am ugly but doesnt want to admit it because everytime we kiss he constantly closes his eyes, doesnt bother to question why its uncomfortable for me to let him see me without makeup and my glasses , doesnt really try to say something against me having plastic surgery and everytime I bring up an insecurity he just says that its unnecessary and this part of me looks ''normal''. We have a great relationship but this whole lookwise thing makes me feel so fucking unwanted and ugly it actually makes me want to kill myself so bad. Am I really that fucking hideous and ugly? Can I feel pretty and enough for once?

No. 199871

You already got the one and only good piece of advice you'll ever receive: dump him. Stop fishing for advice that lets you stay with him and feel loved at the same time, it's not gonna happen.

No. 199875

You should write a movie. That story line was pretty vague but decently entertaining. Needs more detail to pull the reader in, maybe post a pic of the love interest to get the attention of the ADHD retards that browse this site

No. 199927


Anon, when you meet someone that you really click with, you'll instinctively want to "break your solitary habits" or give up some of your time to them, and you won't resent them for it. It will happen naturally. Relationships don't have to be so all or nothing. You don't have to spend an entire weekend with anyone. Maybe you'll meet someone who also has a lot of hobbies or likes their space!

If you end up with a mature, adjusted, and open person, you'll be able to talk with them (if it's even needed) about retaining a healthy balance of you time/stuff vs couple time. Partners can and do recognize and respect another's need for alone time or distance.


With love from your 40 yo Auntie Nonna.

No. 199963

not worth it. I dated someone like that (well, he said a few nice things in the beginning, but just stopped a few months in) and it'll never stop feeling like shit. Now, my bf of a year won't shut up about how pretty he finds me, and it has honestly helped so much with my confidence. I get how delusional I was previously with my self loathing and nitpicking, I look perfectly fine and loveable.

inb4 "have you tried to communicate with him?? maybe you should tell him it's important that he compliments you???" lol, contrary to popular reddit opinion, genuine compliments should not and cannot be asked for. If he is never moved to say something sweet upon seeing your face, he just doesn't feel that way about you.

No. 200066

Guys, how would you tell your partner that you'd like him to lose a little weight?

No. 200077

Financial incompatibility. How do you deal with it?

My bf (4 years together both mid 20s) and I are both graduating next year and he may want to continue his studies after for employability and general interest. I’ll be going to work full time asap which means next year, we will lose financial aid for housing costs which means our rent goes from €400/month to €800 - we’re living ridiculously cheap rn even without the financial aid but we’ll be kicked out in 3 years (early 2024). He won’t be finished with his Master’s quite yet by then (2 years in his field).

So I bring up a few things
> he has to check if he even qualifies for student loans for a Master’s
> we’ll go 2 years where our rent doubles and I’ll have an income but he won’t - we’d have to look into whether we still wanna split rent 50/50
> we’re looking into €1200/month or more for our next apartment when we’re kicked out of this place but he won’t be able to afford that during his studies

He gets more annoyed and stressed with everything I say and eventually he insists he’s not doing a Master’s if it’s stressing me out this much. We’re still a year off but I just like to prepare for the future, that doesn’t mean I’m stressed. He’s just saying yes to everything but not writing anything down or asking questions himself.

He grew up dirt poor and had his financial aid and student loans taken care of by a social worker. He’s sort of normal about spending money most of the time (he doesn’t splurge but isn’t stingy either) but he will get yelled at by his parent when she finds out we made a big purchase: there’s plenty of trauma there.

He’s genuinely very ambitious about the future but as soon as finances come in he’s useless with setting goals or making decisions way ahead of time. I’ve told him the average income for his field as a starter and he laughed like it was a joke. He will also say stuff like “we’ll see if I can even find a job after college” but his field is in IT…he’s never even looked at a vacancy website for his field. (He’s worked plenty of minimum wage jobs btw, he’s not lazy, he has a summer job now but isn’t working enough for substantial savings.)

Idk what advice I’m looking for other than having a bit of a rant. I guess I wanna hear other anons’ opinions on the situation I described or experiences with financial incompatibility in a relationship. I’m not interested in momming him about finances but I do want a future with him and plan accordingly.

No. 200094


Tell him you're concerned about his health and wellness, and that you think it'd be nice if the two of you worked out and dieted a bit more.

No. 200105

File: 1627670017127.gif (1.53 MB, 500x399, 1625355118574.gif)

ok so i have a guy friend,
i like this guy friend (romantically),
he doesn't,
i end friendship for both our sakes but mostly my own good,
he's sad because i'm his "best friend" (his words),
now I'm feeling bad and like i'm not valuing his feelings towards me, which are genuine, just because those feelings are NOT the way i want them to be(romantic),
i feel like maybe i'm being mean,
but at the same time i don't think i can keep being friends with him and manage to let go of my (romantic) feelings for him,
if anything my feelings would keep intensifying.

How could i keep being friends with him and stop from deluding myself into thinking he will one day like me at the same time? Would I have to go out on dates with other guys?

No. 200106

>now I'm feeling bad and like i'm not valuing his feelings towards me
You value his feelings towards you but you value your own feelings more and that's how it should be so don't feel bad about that.

No. 200107

you make a really great point but i've also never been in this situation before so I don't have any past experience to go off to know if i could manage to remain friends with him and let go of my romantic feelings at the same time. Maybe I could do it. I'm wondering if anyone that has done it before could tell me how they did it. He's an awesome person and I don't want to cut him out of my life just because i got a little girl crush on him ig

No. 200123

I think this is the way it has to be, you're doing this for your own emotional and mental health. You don't actually have to consider his feelings about this, I'm sure he's sad about it, but the situation is that your friendship is incompatible and he has to deal with it. Is he making you feel guilty about selling boundaries or is that coming from an internal source?

>How could i keep being friends with him and stop from deluding myself into thinking he will one day like me at the same time?

If he liked you back he would have done something about it by now, I'm sorry to say.

Would I have to go out on dates with other guys?
It might help, but he might get jealous. Not because he suddenly likes you, but because he's not getting as much attention from you.

No. 200129

>Is he making you feel guilty about selling boundaries or is that coming from an internal source?
both, he hasn't said anything to make me feel guilty, said he respects my decision, but his tone was at the very least disappointed. I've been overthinking it and remembered when i had a guy friend stop being friends with me after i rejected him, i thought he never really valued me as a person and had an end-goal in mind the whole time (get a gf) so this may very well be how i'm making him feel now too. It isn't true because I do value him as a person and didn't become friends to get in a romantic relationship with him.

also during the whole friendship he would lightly flirt or maybe i misinterpreted, but you're right, he would have asked me out if he liked me.

I should also add that i impulsively texted him about an hour ago and suggested something silly and stupid, basically that he should help me not like him anymore if he wanted (?????) then turned off my phone quickly. He probably thinks there's something really wrong with me now

No. 200142

Ok he replied that he knows i'm joking(i wasn't) but that he would help me work my feelings through if he could, he says he'll wait for me because i clearly need time away from him but that he doesn't want to stop being my friend and to take however long i need :\

No. 200147

Tips for dealing with sexual/physical affection incompatibility? I don't want it to be a deal-breaker but we haven't been together for long and it is already wearing me down. We have discussed it somewhat already but it seems like nothing changes. I suppose I could bring it up again, but some advice before I do would be helpful.

No. 200151

If you are making all the compromises and putting in all the work right now and he is not, then the incompatibility exists because he’s inconsiderate and won’t put in effort to meet your needs and it’s not worth pursuing. If he’s putting effort in but it’s not quite what you need, deliver feedback using a compliment sandwich.

No. 200290

my boyfriend was a huge asshole to me today. and a couple of days ago he was really nice and called me cute and we did a bunch of fun things. and before that he lowkey shouted at me. etc. feels like any little thing i say to him lately might just trigger him to start putting me down. but i can't even avoid certain topics because it could just be anything. why does someone do this. i'm not uninteresting, i love him, i try to do everything according to his needs, i put a lot of effort into trying to be attractive, i have goals but i'm not perfect and he just keeps bringing me down. i never know anymore if he's going to have a day where he makes me feel cared for or like a worthless piece of shit. makes me really sad. he always had asshole times but not to this extent. what am i doing wrong

No. 200293

Red flag for sure. Your bf should never put you down even if he’s not happy with you. That’s not how it goes. When my bf has upset me (always on accident) I never put him down I still admire all that he is but tell him what actions caused me to feel upset. Any reasonable adult wouldn’t want to hurt or upset their partner accidentally or on purpose. Your bf needs to improve on communication. Sit him down and tell him this behaviour makes you uncomfortable and what you need from him. Talk it out. If he’s not willing to do this or is dismissive that’s a huge no no. Also as long as you’re looking good for yourself first and foremost that’s what counts. You’re your own person and if this guy goes you need to be happy enough and content enough with yourself to let go of him if he’s not good enough for you. Best of luck anon

No. 200296

He sounds abusive. Leave him before he gets worse and find someone who actually appreciates you.

No. 200375

My bf of 2 yrs has a demanding job and likes to be active in his downtime. He works from home and has a pretty flexible schedule, so we can do everything on a regular day and he can still get shit done. I'm currently working on my bachelor's degree (due in september) and need to earn some money since covid-assistance has now come to an end. The strongest months in my field are summer/early fall. I always told him, this summer will be busier than last summer and I have no idea how much "vacation" I will be able/willing to get in. To be honest, I have no interest in going away at the moment, I'm just not in the vacation state of mind, I told him all that, but he just does not want to accept it. I also told him that I don't want to sleep in our modded car, which is the only vacation mode that is acceptable for him, but he also doesn't want to hear this. I told him to do something alone or with other people, but he says he doesn't want to be alone and he doesn't want others because of covid… I could say, ok, let's go away for a couple of days, but it's never enough for him. He keeps talking of 2 weeks minimum and whatever we can get, he'd love to have 5+ weeks… nonnies what should I do, this is driving me nuts. I understand that he is overworked and wants to have vacation, but holy shit your fucking life won't stop if you have one quiet summer…

No. 200379

I can't offer much advice but he sounds exhausting as fuck. I know few people like this, they're great adventurous friends but in every case I know they make their more quiet/busy partners miserable.
Don't do things that endanger your education, it comes first.
If he can't deal with it and throws huge tantrums/threatens breakup if you don't do as he wants, I'd reevaluate the relationship. If it isn't that serious, just be firm and stand your ground.

No. 200397

You don't want to go at all
He wants to go for 2+ weeks minimum
Make it a 5 or 7 day compromise and make it clear that you both, not just him, are compromising on this and that he can have that or nothing at all.

No. 200408

the key to success in any relationship is compromise on both ends. try to find a solution that could make you both happy in some way. your idea of a few days away together sounds like an appropriate compromise, but maybe you can think of another situation that achieves this as well. try to calmly explain why you feel the compromise(s) you've thought up accommodates both of your needs/wants. if he still isn't happy with it, ask him to suggest a solution of his own that accounts for both of your needs/wants. if he simply refuses to compromise, that doesn't bode well for the relationship. your desires are equally important; try to frame your current obstacle through this lens both to yourself and to your bf when you discuss it with him.

No. 200428

File: 1627855069897.jpg (12.26 KB, 240x159, pol-4.jpg)


I'm in a similar situation - I asked to take a week long break with my boyfriend after having a particularly bad mood swing where I honestly told him that I don't feel compatible with him.

He has done nothing wrong - he is a sweet, kind, talented and hard working individual who has a loving family and an incredibly secure life ahead of him - which my life insecurity is quelled - but I am embarrassed by him, our personalities seem to clash more, and our political views are all over the map. He's literally treated me like a princess - the relationship is everything I've wanted - except I just find so many unattractive parts about his personality, like particular feminine traits that turn me off immensely.

Ive never had such a stable, equal, relationship before and here I am getting second thoughts.
I feel like a horrible person for wanting to get my thoughts straight but I just don't know what to do - I couldnt lie to him and say I wasnt having these thoughts.

I really want to make it work and my family really wants me to make it work, I just don't know what to do.

No. 200430

My BF of 6 years broke up with me citing growing apart and needing to focus on himself. Now he's in another relationship and moving in with her. He kept our apartment, he kept our cats, he kept our mutual friends, he kept the car I bought him. I don't want him back, I don't miss him. I have to go to a wedding in a few weeks with him and his new gf. How do you get over things like this?

No. 200434


You have to go? For what, to torture yourself or something? Why would they even want you there… You're an ex.

No. 200435

Its the wedding of like the only mutual friend we have who still associates with me lol.

No. 200445

My bf and I have been in a serious 3 year relationship but I'm thinking about ending things. I really love him as a person but the thought of moving in with him and possibly having kids together makes me think we'd be better off as friends. Our relationship also started off very rocky and there's some things that he did to hurt me I don't know if I ever recovered from. I also feel like our interests and hobbies have shifted and we have a lot less in common than we used to. I'm just scared of hurting him or regretting ending things and I'm scared of the reaction from friends/family.

No. 200449

I totally get how scary of a descision it is to break up with him if that's truly what feels right to you. You seem very all over the place about it all. Have you brought up some of these thoughts (like drifting apart, the hurt he caused in the past) with him before? Of course breaking up would hurt him and possibly cause some reactions from friends etc. but it's your life and happiness. Just try to figure out how to best make sure breaking up is what you want to do because it seems you might not be entirely sure. This is also not worth contemplating killing yourself over in any capacity.

No. 200530

How do I break up with shit friends without sounding psychotic? Especially since my LTB is still friends with them.
>just ghost them
I already tried this before covid and it didn't really work because I'd eventually be pressured to go to some event like a wedding that's too important to miss, and it makes it awkward for my boyfriend who had to make excuses for me.
>if they suck why does boyfriend like them
Idfk, men have low standards, and they're his childhood friends so it's a deep bond.
The pandemic really taught me how precious every day is and how little time we have on this earth. So I'm done with faking interest in douchebags who give me no pleasure to be around.
I want to be upfront and be clear that they can stop inviting me to shit. But I have no idea what to say. Sometimes I wish I was more autistic and didn't care about offending people, just say
>you didn't do anything wrong but you don't spark joy, I'm decluttering you, goodbye forever
yet again, I'm struggling to find a way to say this without sounding insane.

No. 200538

omg anon i was about to say i relate to you and you were responding to my post from a month ago. so i actually did break things off indefinitely with my boyfriend and i feel totally okay now. i was miserable at first thinking i would regret it, almost took him back, it took the first two weeks for him to understand that i wanted to be left alone. but i’ve been happy. especially not spending all my days pondering whether or not i should be with him. i think the time limit on your break is gonna make it have pressure you may not want on yourself. don’t let the high emotional stakes push you in a direction you’re not happy with in the end.

No. 200553

just kick the gremlin

No. 200569

Any one have any experience with Relationship OCD? I just found out what it is and I’m not gonna self diagnose but reading about it felt like someone had written out my mind.

No. 200576

File: 1627944265630.jpg (56.51 KB, 500x529, moomin11.jpg)

for the love of god please get this in order before getting in a relationship, and even after that, take things slow with anyone who is looking for a serious partner and might get attached to you. My ex suffered from this alongside general OCD symptoms and it was four years of pure hell for both of us. My head is still fucked and I'm not sure I'll ever feel completely normal in relationships again. The constant doubts about me and whether he should break up with me, mixed with lovey behavior and commitments when he sometimes got a grip of reality and his normal feelings, have made it extremely hard for me to trust anything that my current partner says even though he is completely consistent about our future and his feelings. I'm an anxious and insecure wreck and constantly fear that people are quietly going through every single flaw that I have and criticizing me in their head, like my ex used to do and then confess to me while crying.

Anyway, I don't usually recommend casual dating but maybe confronting your illness in an explicitly lower-stakes setting would help you learn how to deal with the feelings? There's a subreddit on rocd and they emphasize not seeking reassurance iirc (like confessing to your partner, or googling more to figure out if your doubts are real or rocd). I guess also check out resources on avoidant attachment if it applies, those seem to sometimes go hand in hand.

No. 200590

Thanks for dropping this terminology. A big fat light bulb went on over my head

No. 200592

how do i get out of liking the "bad boy" types, like shitty "kinKy" discord eboys a few years older than me with violent coomer fantasies who only talk to me for nudes/e-sex and genuinely sext me abt how they want to beat me. maybe it's because of my online following but idk why i always end up with them, get ghosted, but they keep me around. i know its bad to entertain them but i can't stop because of the slight hope of "what if they actually like me" "i wanna make them happy". i just wanna find a nice boy/girl from school instead of doing this shit.

No. 200594

>i know its bad to entertain them but i can't stop because of the slight hope of "what if they actually like me" "i wanna make them happy".
You probably have issues with your self-esteem if you keep seeking validation from bottom of the barrel moids, literally who cares about their feelings or happiness. Work on that.

No. 200602

thank u nonny, i'll try n gain more self confidence n eventually stop pandering/engaging w them, it's just hard to get away. i do have lots of insecurities esp with appearance but i never made the connection between the two issues. tysm

No. 200614

I need some advice. I was in a relationship a few years ago and it ended because I cheated on her. It's something I still feel immense guilt over, and I've been single since to focus on growing up emotionally and learning to respect peoples feelings better. I feel like I have made progress, but it's a continuous process. Anyway, recently, I've started dating again, and met a girl who I really like. We've been dating for a few weeks now, and I know we're approaching a 'what are we doing here talk'. I feel I need to tell her about my past infidelity, because it feels unfair to enter into a relationship with her without her knowing. Would you do the same? I'm worried she'll want nothing to do with me anymore, but the remorse is something I still deal with and I just don't want to make the same past mistakes again. Can anyone here relate? You'd want to know if the person you were dating had cheated in the past, right?

No. 200615

Quick question do you wash your ass?(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)

No. 200623

I’m sorry you went through that and still suffer from it today. I’m already in a relationship. Fortunately (?) I’ve kept my intrusive thoughts to myself so I hopefully haven’t harmed or dismayed my boyfriend at all. I’m in just the beginning phases of exploring how to work past these issues.

In a way, it’s a huge relief and feels a bit healing just to understand what this is. Prior, I wondered if I were borderline sociopathic or just broken and incapable of love or shallow, etc… I’m already finding a lot of clarity and feel more hopeful for the future.

No. 200669

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I live with my boyfriend and I am happily pregnant. Anyways, I have nothing to do and he works from home. He is a programmer and often tells me he is struggling with other langs because he has only ever really had to do Java for his job. I feel a little worried for him because he's stressed and most of his stress is from work. I already do the basic things like cook, clean (we share this role), and support him emotionally. I want to do more for him because I love him, but i'm not sure what to do. So my question is, how can I help him? *Reposted because I messed something up.

No. 200676


Only other thing to do is get a work from home job if you can manage. As long as you emotionally support him, he should be okay though.

Maybe leave him nice notes on his desk that he can look at when he's stressed, give him a massage randomly, stuff like that.

No. 200684

lesbians exist

No. 200736

The last person I dated had a history of cheating. He told me about it pretty early on but looking back he was also childish about it as he told me. He kinda blamed her for his cheating??… said the relationship was dead so it wasnt that bad lol. I knew it was wrong and BS but I gave him a chance seeing as a decade had passed since. I got burned in the end (no surprise) he cheated again, was very good at keeping secrets. I wouldn't touch a cheater again at this point because I'm over 30 and potentially wasting another 3 or 4 years with someone like that is too much risk for me. I gave it a go that time and what happened..happened.

I think it's best to be honest and at least give the person that knowledge and the ability to decide for herself whether it's a make or break thing. That pattern of cheating does follow some people around for years but all you can do is be mature and honest about it and like you said to reflect. Keeping this a secret would only show a lack of change. Don't fall into a habit of keeping secrets again because that's a slipery slope that will land you back where you were before.

No. 200752

Hi nonnies. I'm in a bit of a pickle atm and could do with some advice. Been in a relationship with this dude for almost a year. He's great with my young kid and we were future planning etc so p serious. We got into a nasty cycle of me perceiving threats (not introducing me to people sometimes stuff like that) and not communicating well when it happened therefore erupting into fights. He'd break up with me every time and we'd get back together in a couple of days after constant contact. The last time (no. 5) it happened he dropped me "seriously" a month ago. We never stopped contact and quickly fell into this weird space of exclusive, texting all day and hanging out while working through our own shit to try and end the cycle. It's being going good and I'm in therapy now and reading a lot. He said he's working through his shit too. Idk if it's residual fear of abandonment but I'm getting a bit tense after doing this shit for a month. We're essentially together but I'm not getting security from the lAbEl. Jus stings. I've also noticed the past couple weeks he's tilting his phone from me and it's setting those alarm bells off a bit. Half of me is seeing red flags and dying to run to protect myself, half of me is recognising the effort he's putting in and wants to believe that this is really for the benefit of us long term like he's saying. Any input guys? I feel kinda messy rn.

No. 200753

Focus on your kid rather than dating these shitty guys anon…

No. 200755

It's great that you've started to work on yourself with therapy and additional reading. Especially because you have kid, but for your mental health in general too, it would be much much better to just move on from this man you already have a messy history with and hopefully eventually find someone new with a fresh, clean start as a better, healing person you're now.

No. 200756

Maybe you need a break from him to focus on your therapy and yourself and to make sense out of everything. It sounds like his constant presence isn't giving you the chance to re-evaluate things. Taking a break would give you the chance to look at your life and the place this relationship takes in it objectively without him meddling to decide if this is still what you (and your child) want and need.

No. 200760

I'm sorry that happened to you. Thanks for your thoughts, and I agree, it already feels like I'm lying by omission and it's making me uncomfortable. I'll tell her and hopefully she'll still be interested in seeing me.

No. 200848

My bf of 2 years went straight from a terrible breakup to moving in with me (I know, stupid) and it never sat right with me. I feel like I’m the crutch, the constant number two and a patch so that he doesn’t have to be alone.
I told him more than once that we’d better just be friends and not lovers. He always shrugs it off and assured me that he likes me and finds me special. But honestly I don’t believe it, because of stuff he told me in the past. For example, he told my how beautiful and perfect his (cheating) ex was, how he wished they had children, how he thought they would never ever split up, he commented negatively on my clothes, body and appearance. When I told him that I feel unwanted because of these things, he says that he developed over our two years and that his feelings grew and that he really likes and wants me. But to be honest, I think it is just comfortable and familiar now and I don't really believe him.
I always said that I like living alone but he basically moved in with me from the start of the relationship. He keeps saying that he’s afraid to be alone and doesn’t want to be alone. I think that I will always have this in the back of my head. Nonnies, what do you make of this?

No. 200852

i can't believe you stayed with a dude that shit talked you to your face and basically told you his ex is perfect and wished he was still with her

No. 200854

I know, this is no excuse but the ex talk was in the beginning and I guess he was mourning his lost relationship. But regardless, you are right, in hindsight it was stupid to give him a pass for that.

No. 200855

What a horrid thing for him to say, that must have hurt anon. I think everyone here will be in agreement that you should leave him. He clearly wasn’t ready for another relationship and hasn’t gotten over his ex. He has some shit to work out. Anon get out ASAP, there’ll be a guy or a girl out there for you who will cherish and love you much more than this loser. Sending you love anon.

No. 200858

>I told him more than once that we’d better just be friends and not lovers
Anon you do realize that if you decide you're better off friends that means you're no longer in a relationship regardless what he thinks or what is comfortable for him? You don't need his agreement to break up with him.

>Nonnies, what do you make of this?

You're being used for shelter and emotional support.

No. 200866

>You're being used for shelter and emotional support.
Damn thank you for confirming my underlying feelings, I knew it but I kind of always brushed it off because of rEaSoNs.

>You don't need his agreement to break up with him.

I know, I guess I'm just reluctant because overall we are pretty good friends and I hate the idea that he has to move back in with his mom. But that shouldn't bother me. We're both in our 30s so wtf he should just get his own place anyways. I always told him that I like living alone and I don't want us to move in together. My apartment is also not suitable for two people working from home. He moved in anyways. At first it was his breakup, then he gave up his shared flat and because of covid I said it was ok that we stayed at my place 99% of the time and it wouldn't be a problem if it took him some time to find a place. Whenever I mention him getting his own place he tells me how stupid this would be, "we" would spend so much money, he can't afford it (lol he's fucking wealthy and earns 5x as much as I do??) and in the end we'd only be hanging out in one place anyways, so it would be a waste. I tell him that basic living expenses are what they are and he also doesn't stop eating because "it's a waste". Long story short, his "I don't want to be alone" apparently trumps my "I need to be alone".

Thank you anons for your kind and honest words, I guess I'll just have to do what I keep avoiding for quite some time now and focus on myself again. It's so draining to constantly think about a relationship, that alone should show that something's just not right.

No. 200890

How do i deal with men that get angry for every single thing? There's this guy I had to do a group project for uni (we didn't choose our partners) and he works really well, but whenever he makes a mistake and anyone points it out he goes super defensive and then doesn't talk for days until someone goes to talk to him. he made me fear him and made me want to agree and hide his mistakes, because otherwise I had to deal with his pouting. I know it was the wrong thing but I just don't know how people do it to feel courageous; the moment I know somoene is angry at me I just feel sick in my stomach.

No. 201021

If he'll refuse to talk to you for days just for pointing out a mistake then he probably has some sort of mental issue, because that is not normal behavior for a grown man.
Does he seem weird/immature even when you don't point out mistakes? Does he do or say anything genuinely threatening or does he just act like a spoiled child?

No. 201023

I'd talk to your professor about it if you have one that gives a damn, say something along the lines how his in class behaviour isn't reflective of a professional attitude in the workfield which you are being trained for or something like that. Or even better, get him kicked out for refusing to work with you.

No. 201024

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My husband and I both work full time. I do all of the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, home improvement projects, and the vast majority of the cleaning. I asked him to take out the garbage two days ago since it was full and beginning to stink up the kitchen. He has yet to do so and is currently passed out on the couch after staying up until 6 AM playing video games, yet again. I can't even go in the kitchen because it smells like rot and there are used napkins, plastic forks and paper plates strewn all over the counter that were left there by him since nothing else can fit into the trash. I've reminded him, begged, nagged, yelled, but he still won't complete this five minute task that should've been done two days ago- the only chore I expect him to do regularly

Why did I marry someone with such profound contempt for me

No. 201028

so you married a manchild who isn't worth anything? what do you expect anons to say? either dump him (you won't) or set some ground rules. you're acting like his mommy caretaker and it's burning you out, it isn't worth it to continue like this.

No. 201031

I've started to plan my exit. It just hurts to see him treat me like this, since he used to be so kind and affectionate. Did his chores, didn't spend too much time on frivolities, was respectful towards me, got me presents. He didn't even get me anything for my birthday or Christmas this year aside from ordering some takeout for us and promising to go to a museum with me(hasn't happened).

I know men do this, but I can't help but feel like I did something wrong

No. 201037


You didn't do anything wrong nonnie, people grow and change in different ways and unfortunately he was growing and changing in this way.

It's time for some ultimatums, even though I hate them, shape up, or get out.

No. 201038

Sorry to say, but those things you listed are the bare minimum.
I wouldn't suggest ultimatums. Even if he does shape up, it's coming from the wrong place. He would only do it because he risks the chance of losing his mommy bangmaid servant, not because he actually loves her and wants to make her life easier.

No. 201039

anon, I feel you, I'm not married but my bf moved in with me and acts like it is my place only. He does not do anything besides his own laundry. I complained several times and his answer was that I should tell him "now is cleaning time!" and we do chores together. Bitch you are not 5 years old and I'm not your mom. You will clean the apartment and do some cooking without me telling you to do it or you will move out. I'm also set on kicking him out.

No. 201040

You're blaming yourself because that's easier than facing the fact you're married to man who won't even do one little chore for you. Hope your exit plan works out for you.

No. 201046

BF and me have been together for about two years. About a year into our relationship I once did something what we both consider a pretty big dealbreaker nowadays, but at that point in time we haven't even really talked about them. Back then I didn't think I really did something wrong, since it's something I've never seen other couples mind and forgot about it. After we started talking about what we consider okay to do, and what not, I realized what I did was completely shitty of me, and confessed pretty much immediately and apologized to him. The atmosphere between us has been weird for two or three days or so, but afterwards he said he can't really fault me for it, since it is something people usually don't think much of, so it's okay, especially since I seem really remorseful and have only done it once, and he trusts me in that aspect. Sounds nice enough, right? Now the thing is, if I were in his place, it's something I'd probably break up over. He knows this and told me we should count ourselves lucky that he's not me then. Also, that he'd probably think the same if it happened a week ago, but not when it's a year, and that our situations are completely different, so it'd be worse if he did it, anyway. This was a week or two ago, and his behaviour is back to how it used to be while I'm the only one still making everything weird. I generally feel like he's way too forgiving towards me. Things where he is pissed at or goes a bit on distance with other people for I get absolved from with a literal flick against the forehead. I'm starting to worry he's just saying it's fine while he's bottling it up inside. Admittedly, he doesn't seem like it, and I usually notice pretty fast when something bothers him, but still… I honestly don't even know what kind of advice I'm asking here for. How do I lessen the guilt? Or how do I forget about this and go back to how we were, since he says I shouldn't mind anymore? Maybe I just wanted to get this out? I have no ideaaaaaaa

No. 201048

Maybe subconciously you want him to be angry with you because that helps dealing with the guilt? Like how disappointment generally hurts worse than anger does.

No. 201049

Sorry for taking forever to respond. Basically, if he was ever found to be wrong, we didn't even have to say anything about it: He'd automatically put this angry face and avoid talking to anyone; if any of us did, he'd respond with either sarcastic remarks, or grunts. If any of us actually try to argue he'd get all defensive.
Oh don't worry, I will try to move hell and earth to not get grouped with him next year, I was more asking on how to deal with people "like" him, since I know there must be many others around and I just lack a way of dealing with the while "oh no I pissed someone off what did I do" attittude, which is only making me act like a doormat and feel guilty fo what I know is not my fault.

No. 201092

You're on an anonymous image board, tell us what you did in plain terms so we have context to your situation

No. 201095

Right? How are we even supposed to give advice when we don't even know what it's about?

No. 201468

Nonnies, I need help.
My boyfriend came out to me recently as a tranny and is now saying he wants to go by she/her pronouns and get a boob job but wants to be a freak of nature and keep his dick.
I genuinely don’t know how to respond except feel disgusted by him.
What would you guys do?
I loved him to the point of us talking about getting married in the very near future but I don’t think I can do this.

No. 201469

hide your bras and underwear first of all

No. 201472

I would dump him. Clearly he doesn't love you if he is doing this to you.

No. 201474

Get out

No. 201480

He's AGP. Dump him now.

No. 201482

if you're straight say "i'm not attracted to women, i will have to leave the relationship" or just do so anyways to break up and get the fuck out of there. the wanting to get a boob job and keep dick comment from him is disturbing, yes SRS is horrific but he might be into futa porn or some shit. if you have shared friends who are woke, good luck and see who sticks by you if the breakup goes badly. look for other transwidows' experiences and get in touch with them for advice. it seems many more active who engage with the transwidows groups on twitter are older (i assume you're not) but maybe check around radfem communities on tumblr or twitter to see if you can find other transwidows. consider what types of content or groups he might be involved or influenced by like the mtf subs on reddit or porn, and that he may try to use manipulative tactics to keep you in the relationship. i hope you're not living together and can leave easily and safely. godspeed anon.

No. 201486

Get out now. You don't want to become another transwidow in r/mypartneristrans talking about your abusive tranny husband. Even if he chooses to keep his dick it will eventually break due to hormones so he'll start going on and off on them causing severe mood fluctuations and other health issues and you don't want to be there by then.

No. 201488

For gods sake its not even something to 'think about'. The key points in a healthy relationship is compromises for the sake of growth. An egotistical compromise like that is clearly a sign that he spends more time with himself and thinking about himself than he does of you. Find a normal man, for the sake of your mental health and future.

No. 201489

Tell him that you want to be supportive of him (doesn't matter if you actually do, this is your way out), but that in the process of him becoming the woman he wants to be, he will cease to be the man you fell in love with, and that you think you can be a stronger ally as his friend because your "emotions" (LOL) won't cloud your judgement.

No. 201490

Run. You're assuming he will stay the person you thought about marrying. Read transwidow stories. You will see they say the exact same thing, only to state their partner became a nightmare after. Save yourself, and do not get married to avoid being legally tied to this man so you have the chance for a cleaner and quicker break.

No. 201543


The worst part about this is he even says he doesn’t feel dysphoria, but all the sjws on Twitter insist he doesn’t need to feel dysphoria to be trans and that he is “valid” if he wants to keep his dick.
Am I being an asshole if I say it just seems like he has some weird ass fetish?
Like, he has said he always prefers lesbian porn and therefore he wants to be a lesbian.
Lesbian porn doesnt involve a dick and girls with man faces dude.
I genuinely don’t understand where this mental break came from, he has been super depressed lately but now that he’s decided he’s trans he’s on top of the moon because he gets all this positive attention from other trannies on Twitter.

I don’t even have anyone to talk to about this because I am the only person he’s told so far and it’s been eating away at me for a week now. We don’t live together, thank god, but I also don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to be alone due to recent tragedies in my family. My friends are all super busy with their own life since they all work in the medical field and Covid is rampant still.

I’m just at a loss.

No. 201552

Whatever you do, do NOT tie the knot or sign a lease with him etc. Don't trap yourself with this man unless you're a 10000% sure he realized how retarded he is and no longer wants to be a tranny.

You're 100% right it sounds, and probably is, a fetish. If he's been depressed like you said and/or has been struggling with (mental health) issues, it's likely he's looking at this as something new and exciting to bring into his life or he may even think it may simply be easier to go through life (presenting) as a woman as some men believe it is. He falsely believes or hopes this will transform his life, pulling him out of his misery which it will not. Even if you thing transgenderism is valid, this is clearly NOT a case of it. If possible, demand he see a mental health professional (one that doesn't support transgenderism but would rather have him tackle the underlying issues and depression) and above all, do not support his decision to become a tranny. It may seem cruel to not support your partner but him transitioning is the worst outcome for both of you. Remember he doesn't even experience gender dysphoria, don't allow him to use transgermism and transitioning as a false cure for his depression and problems in life.

This advice however only counts if you decide you want to stay, which like other anons said is not the wise decision. Protect yourself.

No. 201560

>Am I being an asshole if I say it just seems like he has some weird ass fetish?
It does not make you an asshole but is unwise. I don't know how much power "TERF" accusations have where you are or in your circles but best idea is to focus on getting out and disengaging from him as smoothly as possible.

>We don’t live together, thank god, but I also don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to be alone due to recent tragedies in my family

I'm so sorry, anon. But sticking around when he's probably in a volatile state is even more emotionally precarious for you.

>I genuinely don’t understand where this mental break came from, he has been super depressed lately but now that he’s decided he’s trans he’s on top of the moon because he gets all this positive attention from other trannies on Twitter.

Well that's it, isn't it? Plenty of detrans people talk about being severely depressed and transition gave them goals and a "community" that will support them (and ultimately preys on their misery). There aren't as many male detransitioners out there sharing their stories, and the divide between gay men and straight/bi men in their experiences seems significant. I've seen a few male detrans gay guys online like @detransgayguy on twitter (he was on 60 minutes). I think upperhandMars, Benjamin Boyce, and Erin Brewer (on both youtube and twitter) have all interviewed one or two detrans men.

No. 201612

You will feel more liberated leaving him now, than spending your time and efforts talking about it to friends and constantly cycling around limbo. This isn't about you two anymore, it's his mental issues versus your life.
He will just be a distasteful dinner story one day, and you will be able to find yourself a man who can give you what you need, protect you and build a home with you. The loneliness aspect of this whole story is the least of your concerns right now. Stay strong anon.

No. 201633

He's a different person now, not the one you agreed to date. End it.

No. 201790

one of my girlfriend’s friend’s dad’s passed away a few days ago and my girlfriend has been quite busy obviously being there for her friend and also partaking in some funeral rites specific to her culture. i’ve given my girlfriend some space and i realise this is probably hitting her a bit hard because my girlfriend also lost her father too early. however tonight my girlfriend called me to talk and we were both in somber moods. i checked to see if she was feeling okay, asked if she wanted to talk etc. my girlfriend asked me how my day was and i told her. i wouldn’t say i was super flippant but did speak in a lighter tone of voice because i figured maybe she would appreciate a distraction by me recounting my day and what’s up with my family. she got a bit annoyed with me and said she wasn’t in the mood to talk. even though she was the one who called me. we hung up and she hasn’t spoken to me in about 7 hours. i texted her goodnight but i’m wondering if what i did was wrong. i reassured her that it’s okay if she isn’t in the mood to talk to me and that she should be there for her friend and take care of herself first and foremost but part of me feels a bit annoyed and resentful. i’ve never experienced the loss of a parent or anyone super close to me so maybe i just can’t understand what she’s going through and how the death of her friend’s dad is affecting her. anyway i’m not sure if i was in the wrong here or how i should make it up to her.

No. 201802

I lost my mom early and I've had moments in relationships where it has hit me that it's a weirdly life changing thing that alot of people can't truly get (people say the same about losing a child) There's a frustration in feeling that much pain and struggling to weigh up expressing it but also not bringing your partner down with all the intensity of it. It's messy but I don't think you did anything wrong. You sound aware of what she's going through. You also need to be careful that her bad days and her grief doesn't lead to a pattern of you walking on eggshells. There's a balance to be had there.

No. 202047

How do I fet my bf to stop being jealous over stuff that shouldnt be an issue? I'm more "online" than him because I dont really have irl friends while he does. There was an incident where I wanted to join a team for a videogame and he didnt want me "hanging out with guys" despite the fact that I'm naturally quiet and never did anything beside talk about the team. He gets jealous and paranoid by me just talking to another guy online. I think it comes from the fact that we started as an online relationship. I get where he's coming from but I always tell him he has nothing to worry about. When I show him stuff he's like well if you wanted to cheat you would just delete everything anyway.
This is the biggest issue in our relationship and despite how much I dont like this part of him I still want to be with him and at least try to work this out. Is there anything specific I can say that might make him more understanding?

No. 202054

File: 1629068957145.jpg (37.55 KB, 362x346, 1598807901865.jpg)

Is there a way I can make a guy break up with and we can remain friends? How would I go about this? I got into a relationship with him but I prefer our friendship and I realized I don't want something like this too late. How do I go about making him break up with me or what can I do to break it off nicely?

No. 202059

Break up with him, tell him you really want to be friends, give him time, done. Don't overthink it, don't play games.

No. 202069

There's nothing you can do to influence the way he reacts. If he's really into you then he'll either hate you and want nothing to do with you, or he'll agree to stay friends but resent you and gradually drift away. And those are both best case scenarios. He could also turn out a stalker or a clingy orbiter.

No. 202088

>Is there anything specific I can say that might make him more understanding?
Nope. This always crops in unhealthy relationships and the answer is always no. If your partner doesn't listen and care about your concerns about their upsetting behavior the first, second, fiftieth time you bring it up, then there are no magic words that will suddenly make them see the light. They simply don't care about the harm it's doing you over their own projections, lack of self esteem and selfishness. In that instance they don't want love, they want control. You either settle and become their slave (bad choice) or break up. The only other thing you can do is sit him down and explicitly state that this is harming you to the point you will break things off unless he improves as a final warning/wake-up call, but it's completely on him to fix his issues and set better boundaries. Good relationships don't exist without trust and he doesn't feel any towards you. It's just going to keep wearing you down over time.

No. 202092

He doesnt trust you. Please break up. My bf wouldnt be like that and hes insecure, but he would want me to do what makes me happy. Hes holding your back anon. Im sorry

No. 202096

Tell him you've given him no reason to distrust you or any reason to believe you'll cheat, so he has no choice but to trust you. Don't ask for trust, demand it because you deserve his trust. It's not okay for him to distrust you or suspect you might cheat without any grounded reason.

No. 202119

I've gotten into a weird situation: I have a bf (we've been steady for 6 or so months), we haven't had any big incidents. The other day we went for a walk on the park and get some air and stuff, when we see one of his old highschool friends. we three sat down ona bench while they talked, and the friend kept talking about how much of a nerd he was during highschool, and how he never got laid and tehn boasting about himself, it was kind of weird, but my bf would just nod or say nothing even though this dude was basically trashtalking him to our face. Eventually I made an excuse for both of us and left. My bf didn't want to do anything else, and was (I wanna say understandably) embarassed, so he went home, and so did I. Thing is, from that point onwards, he doesn't want to go outside with me, and when i do manage to convince him he is a LOT less talkative. I think we need to have a conversation about this, because he's acting like a child, and needs to man up, but I don't know how to deliver it to him. or maybe this is some kind of red flag that I don't know about. I am not willing to hide myself at home because of his hurt ego or whatever this "episode" is. Do you have any advice?

No. 202124

> My bf got bullied but it's all about meeeeee

No. 202125

kek nonnie this is so self absorbed wtf

No. 202130

I've gotten into a weird situation: I have a bf (we've been steady for 6 or so months), we haven't had any big incidents. The other day we went for a walk on the park and get some air and stuff, when he tripped and fell and broke his leg. I sat down on a bench while he lay there moaning. It was kind of weird, but my bf would just nod or say nothing even though I was basically talking to his face. Eventually I made an excuse to get up and left. My bf didn't want to do anything else, and was (I wanna say understandably) embarassed, so I went home, and he went to the hospital. Thing is, from that point onwards, he doesn't want to go outside with me, and when i do manage to convince him he is a LOT less talkative. I think we need to have a conversation about this, because he's acting like a child, and needs to man up, but I don't know how to deliver it to him. or maybe this is some kind of red flag that I don't know about. I am not willing to hide myself at home because of his hurt leg or whatever this "episode" is. Do you have any advice?

No. 202139

He sounds insufferable, like he's mentally stuck in highschool. Not wanting to go out in public with you because he might see someone from highschool say something mean to him is mental. You will be coddling this guy forever if you acknowledge it, too, in my opinion. I would play dumb and keep asking him to go places and if he doesn't get over himself I'd weigh the pros and cons of continuing to date him. Men are basically "what you see is what you get" and 6 months isn't that much time invested so don't feel like you have to help him with this

No. 202147

How about you give him some time to heal from being humiliated in front of you instead of making everything about yourself? Have a talk only if it continues long after that.

No. 202261

File: 1629196767339.jpg (69.4 KB, 750x748, 236596983_121319006897506_7076…)

I already know I'm going to get so much shit for this, but so be it.

I've been in a relationship for 8 years with somebody I've never met. He(?) won't send photos, share his voice, or meet up. I don't know his job or where he lives, or even his real name. I've sent him nudes and videos. He sends me presents, not insignificant ones, like a ROG laptop because mine broke, and a limited edition Nintendo Switch and some games when I got out of hospital.
He's spent a lot of time learning how to support me as a partner of someone with mental illness and has been researching therapies for me. He took time off work when I went into hospital for a month just so he could talk to me while I was in there. He used to be really mean sometimes, but he's mellowed out a lot. He's always said I'm the only person he has in the world and he only has eyes for me. He gets angry when I speculate too much on his identity or ask why he won't meet me, and he won't answer questions.

My big question is, why would he keep this up for so long and genuinely invest so much love and time and money into me without wanting to meet me?

I don't mind if he's really a woman, or even a friend of mine, I told him I'd still love him. I've been with more women than men anyway. I don't mind what he looks like. I really hope he's not been married or had a girlfriend the whole time, but somehow I don't think he is with the amount of time we spend chatting or gaming together. I just want to know why, but he won't even tell me that much. When I mention that I want IRL sex and cuddles and kisses, he gets offended and says that I want those things as I remember it with exes, not him specifically. But I know that he has desires too, he tells me about them sometimes though they're never PIV which makes me think it's a woman.

No. 202262

This would be a nice romance story.
That doesn't help, sorry. I hope this person reveals themself to you eventually. If they have so much time perhaps they have some sort of disability or illness that they feel would hold them back from being a good partner irl?

No. 202263

you really thought you did something here huh

No. 202264


you're not in a relationship…you're basically an online escort. how has someone who won't show you their face or tell you who he is "genuinely invested" in you. the money is a pittance compared to what you offer, an endless font of emotional support along with pictures and videos of yourself. look I'm not telling you this person doesn't like you, but this isn't a relationship. you're being used. I feel bad for you, I don't know what to say, if you can't see what a waste of time this is, what this person is getting out of you. I'm sorry. I think you made this post because you're finally coming to your senses. You know it's time to end this. It's going to hurt.

No. 202265

You don't know anything about him/her. Maybe he's rich and "all that money" is pennies for him and you're just a fun pasttime. There's no way to tell for sure. Also agree with other anon, you're not in a relationship. If a true romantic relationship is something you want in your life, this is not it and you're going to have to pursue it for real.

No. 202268

Kinda crazy, if it was a Catfish episode I'd be on the edge of my seat waiting for a reveal who that person is. I hope you'll know someday. Don't know how much you'd be willing to push for that person to reveal themselves - it's honestly your choice to continue living like this, seems like you're actually relatively cozy even; but it sounds like unless it's "tell me the truth or I block you forever" scenario he will not reveal anything. You can try having very honest conversation, make sure he (she?) knows that you don't care about gender or race or status, or even if its somebody you already know, but really want to know the truth and who is on the other side, and who knows, maybe it will have him open up, even if not immediately.
I'm a bit concerned about what you've said about him being very mean sometimes in the past or getting angry about identity questions. Just in case if you ever decide to seriously pursue getting to know the truth, make sure you're ready to block him for good if things don't go the nice way.

No. 202272

>why would he invest so much love and time and money into me
this is not love anon, money because it doesn't matter to him and time because he's sad and bored.

anon pls, I have a fat, ugly, unemployed but inheritance rich cousin who could easily be such a mystery "lover", pls have some self love and end this shit show, the "time off work" and laptop money is peanuts compared to your investment. It's also not fair from him/her to never talk to you or even show face, like wtf why would you even do this. As other anon said, you're just some online escort and that is not a relationship

No. 202280

Nonnies my own stupid mind is cockblocking me for no reason

My bf and I been long distance on and off for a year due to work arrangements but otherwise, my three year relationship is amazing. I know no relationship is always gonna be rosy and I’m prepared to work through it/we’re both committed and have similar goals.

Kind of a generic thing but i could use the comfort and advice. How does one stop anxiety from ruining things? I’m scared that all relationships fail as that’s what I was always told by my mum. Any generic advice or just ‘success’ stories would help a bunch

No. 202284

I'm sure you must have some kind of examples of good long term relationships among your friends and family?
Overall it's normal to worry sometimes, especially since it's such an on and off situation (I hope you mean on and off distance wise, not that you're breaking up and getting together again?), I think what's best is to just open up to your boyfriend and have a honest conversation, make sure you both are there to reassure each other when things get more stressful. I have a very good friend who is dating a sailor, due to work he's away for many weeks, multiple times in a year, and they're the sweetest couple, supporting and being there for each other regardless if they're in the same flat or hundreds of kilometers away. Everything is doable with some effort when you find a good person that wants the same thing.

No. 202298

I'm considering breaking up with my bf over him beating my ass all the time. It's not a kind little spank, he beats me really hard by surprise and it hurts so much and I hate it. I always get angry but he thinks it's not a big deal. He has even literally done this to wake me up. Imagine waking up to a hard slap from a huge 6'1 male. I've literally tried to set this boundary over and over again and he's not listening.
How do I bring it up without sounding ridiculous. Sorry 4 bad English.

No. 202300

"I'm breaking up with you because yoy physically abuse me" sounds pretty reasonable to me anon. I'm dead serious, you can just tell him the reason as it is, which is physical abuse because that's what it literally is.

No. 202304

Kick him in the balls with your knee, then your other knee. Like the other anon said, this is physical abuse. Please break up with him. He's dangerous, hitting you then saying what he's doing isn't painful or abusive. Are you able to stay at a safe place, like at a friend's or family's, in case he doesn't take it well?

No. 202306

If he does not care about the pain he is causing you now, I’d exercise caution when bringing his up/breaking up with him. I recommend getting to a safe place, like the other anon said. He may not respect you enough to not hurt you further.

No. 202317

Don't consider it. Do it. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like or respect you. But don't tell him you're leaving, just have a plan and go. Do you have friends or family that will let you stay with them? If so, start dropping things off with them so he doesn't go on a rampage and destroy your shit. If not, look up women's shelters in your country (if they have them) or save up for a hotel until you can live somewhere else.

Just don't let him catch on to you doing this, he'll only hurt you worse. Abuse is always a good reason to leave someone. It will never get better. He will never respect your boundaries or your body, mind, soul, spirit or heart. You're pussy and a punching bag to him.

No. 202318


How long ago did this happen? Like 2 days or two months? If it was recent give the guy some time to recover his wounded pride. I'm sure being trash talked by some highschool bully in front of his new girlfriend stung, and now he's paranoid it's gonna happen again.

If it's been over a month however, it's time for a talk.

No. 202357

Thank you so much anons, I think I didn't explain myself correctly at all, sorry. I'm not in danger.
I'll explain the situation better. You know how male teenagers have these dumb ass "games" in which they "playfully" hit each other? Like a wedgie kind of thing but instead of the wedgie it's a surprise hit or slap. They're harmless to your health but they hurt. I grew up with an annoying ass brother so I'm used to this shit, except my brother doesn't hit nearly as hard as my bf. And we are both pushing 30 btw.
On top of that my bf specially likes to slap my ass really hard, and I hate it, shit feels like a sudden electric shock of pain that ruins my mood instantly, plus the burning pain that lingers for a while. He says that he's not using full force and that I'm being dramatic. But if I say it hurts he shouldn't question it, if I say I hate it he should stop. I'm not in danger but I feel like he has gotten too comfortable with me and wants to treat me like he pleases.

No. 202363

File: 1629268177438.png (27.9 KB, 730x244, 4732047302453.png)

You're coping and making excuses for an abuser. At 30, too. Wake the fuck up for your own safety. You can look across countless Reddit threads for women who had boyfriends who "playfully" shoved, slapped, pinched, even choked them, but they "just didn't understand their own strength teehee." No. You sound as retarded as picrel. They know exactly what they're doing and continue to do it despite repeated protests from their partners because they get off on hurting women. In 100% of cases if the woman stays the abuse escalates and in some cases it ends in death. Stop minimizing this. He's grown ass man who is well aware he is hurting you and is continuing to do it. That's called abuse, it's not normal, he is not a good person.

No. 202366

Please contact Neev. I need to know who this is so bad. Also you mentioned they use to get defensive about their identity, maybe because there is something to be defensive about? It could be a range of reasons at this point: disability, ethnicity, same sex or even someone you know. What is your end game with all this? Do you want to be with this person forever or are you just happy being online text basis friends?

No. 202378

you explained yourself perfectly fine. I don't think you're in danger right now either, but the point is, he's still abusing you. he knows how bad it hurts and he's pretending he doesn't know. have you never heard the concept of abuse where they purposely strike you in a way they know it won't leave a mark? he knows it hurts badly. you've told him. he's not an idiot. he understands. he just doesn't want to stop because he thinks hurting you is funny and you won't do anything about it. that's it. I know it's hard to accept.

No. 202381

What are some more obscure/overlooked red flags? I met someone who is extremely lovely and has so many green flags: doesn't approve of large age gaps between people, even when it's legal, as it can be manipulative, predator, etc; is emotionally mature and communicates with me over everything; respects me and my trauma and understands what it means or tries to become educated on the topic; respects his mother and sister and has a close relationship with the rest of his family; had one long-term relationship before and it only ended because the girl cheated on him; is financially stable whilst also in university; respects me and treats me right. Unfortunately, he does watch porn, but it is at the very least pornography of girls masturbating. It still irks me and he has already stopped, I hope. Despite all of this, I have read so many horror stories of men who seem perfect being complete monsters, and oft there were some signs that went overlooked. I'm very careful with these things and don't want to end up a murdered or tortured fool. So what kind of red flags should I watch for for the rest? Are there ways I could find out? For instance if he likes gory pornography or something.

No. 202388


See how he treats his mom and sister when he's angry. See how he reacts to 2 or three days without sex when you guys get to that point. Watch how he treats fast food workers. And check his porn hub history

No. 202389


You're too old for the play fighting. And if he's hitting you harder than your brother did when you guys were kids … That's a red flag in my book. Think about it, your annoying brother showed more restraint as a minor than your grown ass man.

I'd say leave him because he doesn't respect your boundaries. All he wants to do now is test them more and more to see what you'll tolerate. And he won't back off or stop until you force him, because scrotes don't have empathy or enough braincells to know when to fucking stop. They're all like this. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries and he's showing you this Everytime he "play fights" you. There's nothing wrong with play fighting between a couple but I'm sure if you hit him back hard enough he'd start screaming abuse. And it's not play fighting if only one person is having fun. It's bullying, borderline abuse, depending on who you are and how you look at it. You don't have to take that shit.

No. 202397

"""Play-fighting""" you said no to is NOT play-fighting. If you tell him No and he still does it, it's physical abuse. Don't excuse abusive male behaviour, that's how they get away with shit like this. No is no.

No. 202398

How he treats other women around him and talks about (female) exes is important. If you wanna find out if he's honest about his pornhabits, well you'll have to check his internet history and devices then. It's up to you if you wanna do that. If you don't want to do it secretlty, you can ask him to give his laptop and phone to you so you can search it on the spot with him there, that way he won't be able to clean up his history but you won't have to do it in secret.

No. 202431

I'm with >>202398. Not sure how long you two have been together, but when you're at the point where sharing/borrowing technology isn't weird, see how leery he is about lending you his stuff and have a look. You don't need to dig into things from years back but look at history, saved and recently deleted files/photos, media access. A lot of men promise the moon regarding porn use then they're right back at it. I'd respect someone more who was upfront about a backslide over a liar any day. If he hides it then he's willing to manipulate you and his self image to get what he wants. That's a game, not a respectful partnership. You need trust.

This is also a hard one to test intentionally, but it's important to see how he is in a crisis or at least when things aren't going according to plan. If you show up a bit late to a date, does he get angry and stressed? If you're learning something together (say you're cooking) is he patient or does he get pissy if you mess something up? If you ask for help and it would be somewhat inconvenient for him (like he's in the midst of schoolwork) does he pause what he's doing or get annoyed? Can any of his friends or family remember a time when there was an emergency and how he reacted? Also, look at his friends. If he's great with you but his friends talk like scummy frat bros he's probably putting on an act for you and more similar to them than you'd think. Either that or he doesn't really care about women beyond the one he's fucking and passively accepts/participates in misogyny around his bros.

No. 202487

I don't know whether this is a chemistry issue, or if a psychological block I have. But anyone I kiss or hook up with, I feel nothing, just the pressure of it.

I can be EXTREMELY attracted to a man, masturbate to the thought of him fucking me 3 times a day, have sex dreams etc. But in real life, I feel nothing.

I was a late bloomer and I have issues with appearing vulnerable so maybe that's stopping me from getting turned on with someone else.

But my problem is figuring out whether it's a chemistry thing too. I've been talking to a guy online for several months and got along great - I met him recently, am really attracted to him, but again feel nothing when kissing. It's like I friend zone him but still like the look of his body and face. This has happened with several people.

How can I fix this?

No. 202495

I got my first boyfriend so navigating personal issues in a relationship and bringing it up is all new to me. That said, I have a big issue that I’ve noticed and I don’t know how to breach the topic. I don’t know if I have the grounds to bring it up.
For context, my boyfriend visits my family occasionally. The problem is my sister. She is a bombshell. Slim-thicc hourglass body. 34D size boobs compared to my little 34B size breasts. VERY skinny waist and shapely legs. She’s prettier than me (big eyes, big lips, tiny nose, heart shape face, long thicker hair). The only thing I got going was that I was slimmer than her. But ever since covid, she has lost a significant amount of weight and she looks amazing, whereas I had gained a lot of weight and I feel like shit.
I have bad blood with my sister, of which I told my bf about. She is a very mean girl and cruel at heart. Always bullied me and put me down growing up. Used me as someone to make her feel better about herself because I’m such an easy target to compare yourself with (I’m a loser in her normie eyes because I have struggled with agoraphobia and avoidant personality disorder all my life which has turned me into a shut in—except now that I have a bf I am slowly coming out of my shell).
Anyway, she intentionally puts on this very low cut bikini thong swimsuit and intentionally angles her breasts so he can get an eyeful (I.e keeps leaning forward, draws his eyes there by fidgeting her straps, presses her boobs together). She has a huge crush on my boyfriend. I can tell because she plays with her hair when speaking with him, a thing she has always done to boys whilst we grew up together. She is the type of person who likes the validation and attention of cute males and proving she’s better than other girls (she’s very competitive), so she is thriving off his glances and me just sitting there, silently seething.
I watch my bfs eyes throughout this interaction and I can tell he desperately does not want to glance but he glances quickly at her chest area and her backside when she gets up to get more water. He spilled water on his pants and I go to wipe it up and lo and behold, he has a hardon. Before this, he kept crossing his legs, holding a big mug between his legs—he tried so hard to hide his boner from me, which makes me believe he feels guilty and is trying very hard to resist his attraction to her.
I don’t know what to do about this. Do I confront him? I feel so much in pain. He knows how horrible she was to me growing up. And now he has a biological attraction to her because she’s hot, and it really hurts me. What do I do?
Sorry for too many details but tldr, my bf gets boners for my sister even though he knows she was cruel to me. But hey, you can’t beat biology. If a hot girl parades around barely naked, you’re gonna get a boner

No. 202498

this sounds like a larp

No. 202501

> you can’t beat biology. If a hot girl parades around barely naked, you’re gonna get a boner
You sure know all about boners. Did you have one while typing all this out? lol

No. 202504

Not a larp - I’m venting about it. Sorry if my tone of voice over writing sounds male, it’s probably the breast comparison thing. But really, she does have bigger boobs than me and my bf probably has a secret preference for bigger boobs. Which makes me even more sad about the whole thing

No. 202505

>keeps leaning forward, draws his eyes there by fidgeting her straps, presses her boobs together
You've watched too much anime kek

No. 202508

Maybe because I'm a confrontational person, but if this is real and happening, I would just call your sister out on acting desperate. Does she not have a boyfriend?

No. 202509

> he spilled water on his pants and I go to wipe it up and lo and behold, he has a hardon
Wow that sure was convenient. He spilled water on his crotch at that exact time. And you went to clean it up on his behalf..and he had a hard on and you knew it was from your hot (34D) sister as you knew she was 'angling her tits at him intentially' while wearing a thong and having shapely legs.

Hate it when that happens.

No. 202517

That’s how it actually happened thoug
Problem is I am very unfrontational so idk how I’d bring it up to him? And idk maybe it was all in my head and I overreacted because it was my sister and not just some random girl walking on the street. It ls causing me severe stress to know my bf has the hots for her
She also has a bf but she is the type of girl who likes to tease other boys to make her feel desirable. And she likes to make her bf be on edge and fear he’ll lose her so she likes to flirt in front of him with other men. It’s a power and control dynamic in their relationship. She thinks if other men lust after her it’ll make her bf feel like he won her over all the other men. Idk if I explained it right, I’m very frantic and anxious rn because people think I’m a man or female coomer (I’m not either). Anyway thanks for honest advice. And yeah her bf was sitting next to her across from us when this took place
I’d confront her but then she’ll feel like she has a one-up on me. And she knows my weakness is my bf. So she’ll try to continue making me uncomfortable by flirting in front of me with him. Until I explode and make a fool of myself in front of him. She is not a nice person so I’d rather not talk about my problems with her, she’ll just exploit my confession and feel delightful over it

No. 202520

Attractive and flirty people will always come from somewhere, coworkers, relatives, old friends….. but they can't do shit to hurt you if your partner is faithful and can be trusted. It's as simple as that.

No. 202526

I don't believe this is real but if it is, this >>202508. Stop being a doormat to your sister and tell her to fuck off. And/Or stop bringing your boyfriend when your sister's there. >>202520 is right but you don't have to take this deliberate sabotaging from your sister. If she's actually wiggling her boobs in front of your bf, grow a fucking spine and speak up instead of whining about it here.

No. 202542

How do I get rid of debilitating thoughts when it comes to the opposite sex (men in my case). I'm lonely but I don't even want a relationship at this point because thoughts like "any man that decides to go out with me won't treat me the way he would treat a woman he's actually in love with and would expect me to be desperate for his attention" plague me. No I didn't grow up with parents that mistreated verbally or physically. I'm not very social, I've only had sex with two men despite being in my mid 20s and I've never had a relationship that lasted long or was loving. I don't have any personality or mental disorders.

No. 202545

>Debilitating thoughts …plague me
>I don't have any personality or mental disorders
If your thoughts are debilitating then something is definitely wrong, anon. I'm not calling you mentally ill or whatever but it's worth seeking therapy or counseling if you're unable to handle any thoughts or feelings you find extremely disruptive to your life and personal goals.

No. 202548

Maybe debilitating was an exaggeration… it is definitely stopping me from getting a boyfriend though or putting myself in social situations (there's no other areas in life that it's hindering me)

No. 202557

I don't think you should try to stop being cautious of men, it's nothing personal to you but your thoughts are a real concern. Not to the point that you should be freaking out about it all the time but it's very possible a man might treat you like shit. The only thing you can control is your reaction to it - and if you can confidently say you'll drop a guy at the first sign of poor treatment, you should be ready to date. Even if it's just in your head, establish clear boundaries and decide what you will and won't accept in a relationship before you get into one.

Controversial on here but FDS has been really helpful to me with this concept.

No. 202562

Ayrt and in that case I agree with >>202557 Being cautious of men is a good thing and if you don't find it otherwise disruptive besides being discouraged from dating then I don't think it's inherently bad to have these thoughts. If you want to start dating and being more social you need to set standards for what you want from a relationship and what you will not tolerate. Go ahead and interact with people, remain cautious, and promise yourself you will stop interacting with them if they don't treat you well. No one is perfect and people may show affection in different ways, but treating people you care about as though you care about them is a low bar that anyone worth your time should be able to meet.

No. 202611

Love yourself. If he is that easily swayed by someone with a different body type, he isn't worth anything long-term anyway. There will always be someone who looks different or "better" from you. In a relationship, you choose to be with that one person despite all other "options". I understand how it can make you feel insecure, but you have to have faith in yourself and let this play out to see how it affects your relationship. On the one hand I would encourage you to speak up against your sister, but on the other hand it seems futile. The most important part is to place yourself first and reject the shallow approach to life that your sister apparently follows. There are people out there who will have a similar mindset to you and who will understand the situation. This will all blow over eventually. Hang in there!

No. 202629

How do I safely distance myself from a BPD man? He's an online person, but he knows my name and city. I've been busy and now he's spamming me and posting ominous Facebook statuses about being abandoned. wat do

No. 202639

Block and ignore. If he makes any other attempts to contact you, block and ignore. If he ever threatens violence against you or your loved ones, do not respond and contact law enforcement immediately. If he threatens suicide, do not respond. Definitely do not agree to meet anyone you've only met online any time soon, even if they seem normal it could be him catfishing you. Give him zero interaction and he will eventually give up and find someone else to be a shithead to.

No. 202642

I met somebody who is perfect for a long-term relationship, which is why I stay with him despite friction romantically.

He is an absolutely fantastic person which is why I am so fond of him. Overall I simply appreciate him so much as a human being, from his personality to his achievements to his appearance. He also has barely any of the red flags males usually have, which is especially why I wish to hold onto him. However, romantically I feel dissatisfied with him. He doesn't mistreat me, but his way of showing affection does not convey his feelings to me, so I feel ignored and unseen. It makes it difficult to be around him sometimes, as I will become frustrated and bored. I like petnames and compliments and being treated a particular way romantically. Without these elements I don't feel necessarily attracted or seen. I understand how this sounds, but it is hard to explain. It simply seems that there is a lack of compatibility here, even though he is completely content with me, which he said explicitly. We are both already aware of love languages too. Anyway, I don't want to let go of him or give up because I really value him and also acknowledge how rare this breed of male is. But I simply don't know what to do about this semi-incompatibility. He is aware of my needs and frustration and we have discussed it in length, but I feel annoying bringing it up too much and he has already expressed how he dislikes it when I bring up negative things during a positive moment, although he does acknowledge those simply are my feelings. I just don't want to keep bugging him about how the way he talks to me sometimes and treats me makes me feel unappreciated, unseen, ignored and frustrated, especially in comparison to how I speak to and treat him. It is especially difficult due to us being long distance for some months thanks to work, so I'm not going to push too much either until we can be together irl. But every time we talk the problem arises and it is becoming more and more jarring to me. It really turns me away from him and I don't know what to do about it. I love him for who he is but I can't tolerate this as a romantic relationship for the rest of my life. Being just friends is not an option. What do I do?

No. 202644

I have the same problem, but the issue is personality/communication. We were long distance for a year and it's easy to seem compatible online. He is perfect in every way - so loyal and sweet and kind and the hottest man I've seen in my entire life. Literally perfect except for one thing - we can't talk about the same things. I can't have deep conversations with him. Considering I can fall in love with someone purely through the depths of our conversations, it's pretty important to me. His humor and conversation is very simple and kinda boring.

But everything else is perfect. I know how rare finding him is so idk what to do. People have said you can find intellectual stimulation in friends or online, but I want it in a partner.

No. 202645

Hmm… I see. I don't have this problem and we've met in person, we just have to do LDR currently due to work. But I can have perfectly deep as well as fun and casual conversations with him. The problem is in how romantic he is, I suppose. I don't really feel like a love interest or girlfriend to him by the way he talks to and touches me. He does say and do things that prove he has romantic interest in me, but none of what he does actually gives that feeling or impression. I don't feel like a desired girlfriend around him.

No. 202646

If he's not willing to do something as simple as saying nice things to you to make you feel loved, you are putting him on a pedestal. If he was that fantastic, he wouldn't dismiss your feelings as being "negative" when all you have been asking him to do is call you sweetie and tell you you're beautiful or whatever. Yes people have different ways of showing their affection, but if your partner were to say "please give me compliments and don't make me beg for them, it makes me feel loved when you say romantic things" over and over, it's obviously important to them, and you would try to do it, wouldn't you? If this guy can't be assed to do it, you are not the asshole here, he is. It's SO easy to do and you've told him how much it hurts that you don't hear those things from him. A fantastic partner would not want you to feel unloved and unseen. He does not seem to care about that. I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't think it's going to improve in the long run. There's no reason to try and cope with this. You should have higher standards. Despite what low value men would like you to believe, there are quality men out there who can fulfill all of your needs. If was one of those men he wouldn't be so obstinate about saying sweet nothings and cuddling etc. It literally costs nothing and no effort to do.

No. 202647

Idk how people call someone "perfect for a relationship!" and then proceed to describe the exact opposite of that. Romance is one of the most important things in a relationship… if he doesn't want to make any chances then obviously you need to break up lest you want to stay unsatisfied forever.

No. 202651

Have you talked to him about it? Sometimes people don't talk about things in deeper detail because they're afraid of coming off as too invested or involved. I used to be like this, I'd only give surface level answers/jokes about things because I didn't want to come off as too serious. I dunno, he may actually feel like this or just be a bit of himbo.

No. 202657

I know he's clever, he's post grad. Idk, I think he's a bit of an aspie and talks about weird things. Time will tell I suppose

No. 202695

Anon, I know you can't see this clearly yet, so I'm going to spell it out for you in plain English: this guy is a dud, and you're putting him on a pedestal. Idk if that's intentional or not (maybe there was some lovebombing on his behalf at the beginning), but you've literally spent an entire post insisting this guy is great, yet provide little to no examples of such. On the other hand, you're very detailed about all the things that makes him a shitty partner.

Maybe you need to read your post again, because it's pretty damn clear you're not happy with this guy and he's not a good partner. Being loving and supportive is a basic requirement of any romantic relationship. Without it, you guys are essentially fuck buddies. I understand that words of affirmation aren't everyone's strong point, but in healthy relationships, both parties can discuss this and work together to accommodate each other. This guy, by your own admission, does not do this for you, and instead gaslights you for "being negative." Which you're not, you're literally expressing needs that all normal people have in a relationship.

I'm not going to tell you to outright dump this guy, but you should definitely consider it.

No. 202699

I tremendously appreciate your messages, as I didn't realise before how what I am longing for is normal and healthy. I felt terribly guilty for feeling frustrated and dissatisfied. However, I am going to have to out one of my previous posts here (I've been enjoying the relationship advice thread now that I have my first boyfriend) in which I highlight some of the great things about him.
>green flags: doesn't approve of large age gaps between people, even when it's legal, as it can be manipulative, predator, etc; is emotionally mature and communicates with me over everything; respects me and my trauma and understands what it means or tries to become educated on the topic; respects his mother and sister and has a close relationship with the rest of his family; had one long-term relationship before and it only ended because the girl cheated on him; is financially stable whilst also in university; respects me and treats me right. Unfortunately, he does watch porn, but it is at the very least pornography of girls masturbating. It still irks me and he has already stopped, I hope.
I've simply never met anybody who understands me and my trauma the way he does, and treats me with such respect. I have already made a lot of progress in healing from my cptsd through my relationship with him and I am so grateful for it. Everybody else has always abused or ridiculed it, or simply didn't understand it enough to support me and treat me like a normal human being. We also have great and stimulating talks and he sees so much in me that I don't. He is such a great person all around, towards the people around him and his goals. That's just why I want to be so close to him and have it feel like I am his girlfriend. I'd be very honoured and it'd make me so happy. I know he wants this too and he wants me to be happy, but I haven't been explicit enough in explaining my concerns. Maybe… I'm not sure. Maybe these insights will change something of your opinions, I am very curious. But I am already highly appreciative of what you have all shared and I take it very seriously

No. 202726

Your green flags are bare minimum requirements for any decent person and one of them is a red flag (watching porn). You're basically saying this guy is a rarity because he's not a shithead or an abuser. He's still not accommodating of your emotional needs which any good partner should be. I'm not saying he's terrible as he has some good qualities but he's not a rarity. Just because you met a nice person who likes you back doesn't mean that he is the right partner for you. This guy clearly is not. You should not be feeling this distressed and lacking in a good relationship. And him claiming you discussing your emotional needs is negativity is a huge red flag. It sets a precedent for him to dismiss any and all of your concerns, needs, and wants at his whim because they're "negative" and you just obey like a sad puppy because you feel like he's this perfect man who you will never find again. He is not all that and you can and should find someone who will make more of an effort for you.

No. 202750

Not my own relationship, but. An acquaintance of mine has been basically cheating on her boyfriend with another friend of ours. Nothing sexual as far as I know, but they are flirting, making out and cuddling up a lot, which is visibly upsetting the boyfriend when he has caught them. Now, this friend claims she is poly. I'll leave my personal opinions about that aside, but it pisses me off that she seems to act like it's okay to stab her boyfriend in the back because "she can't help it." They've been together for 3+ years and she's constantly threatened to break up with him over small dumb things. Now she tells him "You don't like me going out with another man? Break up with ME." She never asked for his consent for any kind of poly relationship and is basically forcing it into their lives like a selfish prick. The friend she's cheating with doesn't escape my ire either. I see everyone involved regularly so it's in my face constantly.

It's more worrisome that my own boyfriend (him and the cheating friend are good friends) is also defending it. Him and the friend shit on the boyfriend a lot for things he does, or being forgetful, etc. I don't have the whole picture obviously, but I don't understand it. It makes me paranoid that if my boyfriend is clearly okay with cheating (under a coat of "poly" paint), then what's stopping him from doing it himself one day?

No. 202751

I really hope you're more aggressive with your boyfriend when it comes to things like this and you don't act like "everyone has their own opinion" to his face… tell him directly that what he's saying/doing is stupid and he has no reason to defend the guy and explain to him everything you just wrote here?

No. 202753

I have brought it up to my boyfriend. He's mentioned before he was "poly-curious", but hasn't really been in any poly relationship and we got together explicitly as a mono couple. So it logically shouldn't be an issue but I brought up my feelings. But him and the friend are best friends and have known each other for years so I guess he's become blind to any bad habits of hers. I have told him that if the friend (and her new paramour) come over I don't want to see them and do not approve of anything they are doing. No one else that knows about it seems to think what they are doing is wrong (besides her actual boyfriend) that I feel like I'm going crazy. To be honest, the negativity coming from the other couple is rubbing off on me. I really shouldn't care because it doesn't involve me directly, but it offends my sense of morals.

I said I wouldn't go into my personal opinions, but poly has and will always seem to me like the most selfish thing to do. It's basically telling your partner "you will never be enough" or "I'm still immature and want to sleep around on you and fear any kind of commitment." That's how it has played out for any I've seen in real life.

No. 202774

File: 1629615886885.png (29.71 KB, 1726x118, 1546464.png)

I'm this anon – I ignored everyone's advice because I realized the man I was dating was far too spergy to be a player and I chose to just let things play out. Three months in, a mutual friend of ours asked if we were "official" and he said "What do you mean? It's been three months. Of course she's my girlfriend." In hindsight I can see that I was not clear about my intentions at all, and he had every right to feel hesitant in calling me his gf – I was holding him at arms length and hoping he'd take it upon himself to close the gap. HOWEVER, the advice from anons was still good! – if any anon reading this can identify with my original post (picrel), I want her to read the responses and really think about the kind of man she is dating and what she wants from him, and the effort she has given vs. the effort he gives back.

No. 202777

>He's mentioned before he was "poly-curious"

No. 202782

I got in a relationship with my best friend of two years a month ago, and since then I’ve been moody around him for no real reason. I’m just irritated all the time despite him doing nothing that really warrants it, which just frustrates me even further. I get annoyed with how the conversation is going, I feel like we don’t laugh as much as we used to and like he’s just staring at me with a patient expression on his face while I try not to show I am in an awful mood. I am also really bored during our dates. Only thing that feels right is the sex, but sometimes even that is complicated by the fact that I am in a lot of pain because of a recent medical condition.

I have a job opportunity to move to another country for 5 months in November that I am really excited about, that was supposed to be my occasion to kind of « reset » a bit because I’ve been doing the same thing for three years and I almost feel like I resent the fact that I feel like I « need » to spend a shit ton of time with him before I go. Or maybe I don’t like as much as I thought when he told me he wanted a relationship with me. Idk.

Is it necessarily a sign that the relationship is doomed? I want to make it work, on paper it should work perfectly. We’ve spent the past two years almost glued to one another,doing everything together why does it feel so annoying and fake to do so now?

No. 202786

Lmao, my bf is total sperg too and understand this situation

No. 202790

File: 1629628901063.png (1.49 MB, 1242x2688, A587D77F-7AE7-4A5A-BD6F-1FA9B4…)

Thoughts on this please

No. 202797


No. 202807


No. 202809

The feeling makes sense - I think everyone craves that feeling of flirting and getting with someone for the first time. But actual contact with an ex or acting on it while in a relationship is stupid

No. 202810

seems like you don't even like each other that much. you can't stay together just because the sex is good and because it seems right "on paper."

No. 202818

Of course we like each other. As I said we are very good friends. If I don’t see him for a few days I get giddy with excitement to see him again. I just don’t understand what happened this past month, how adding sex to the equation seems to have impacted negatively how we spend time together outside of having sex, and why I am extremely moody with him when I usually have a fairly even temper.

No. 202821

Maybe being in a relationship added new responsibilities to the relationship, or you feel more on edge and scared of it going wrong or something (cos then you'd lose him as a friend too).

I was once in a relationship with a good male friend. I realized that flirting with him and the "forbiddenness" (I understand it's not really forbidden but idk how else to explain it), the novelty of getting with your best friend made it exciting and made the idea of being with him better than actually being with him.

No. 202823

To have these issues right from the start, it sounds like a relationship that should've never happened tbh. You're only a month into this so I'd just be honest and tell him you two clearly aren't compatible in that way. The earlier you do it the less damage may be done to the frendship aspect. Maybe you can save that.

No. 202829

I think you are right on the « forbidden flirting » being much more enjoyable than the relationship. I think maybe it could work out between us but we moved way too quickly from ambiguous friends to unequivocal « serious » bf and gf.
I see what you mean and my first instincts were to stop it in its tracks very quickly, after the first few days in fact. But I can’t help but think my reactions are simply over the top. I also left my first boyfriend after a short relationship (a few months) got sour in the same way. It feels like a me-problem, like I just have an issue with being with someone and not just pinning after someone or flirting, like I have commitment issues when I start to know them better. It just reared its head extremely quickly in this case because I knew my current boyfriend on the back of my hand before we even got together. I want to at least try to make it better… and I don’t want to hurt him

No. 202830

I get you, I feel the same way and it's an actual problem I can't fix. I can't find any solution online.

I pine after people and go after them but once we're together, it kind of fizzles out immediately and I sort of friend-zone them lol. But I can still see that they're attractive and a good person and I don't get why my stupid body isn't enjoying being with them.

No. 202831

How do you get over the passing of your significant other? A long-term serious relationship of actually being in love and having a future together that is just snatched from you without any warning

No. 202836

Thank you ladies for your advice. I broke up with him yesterday. Just too big of an issue that we couldn't get past, despite trying.

No. 202853

Good for you anon. His own stupid delusions became a self-fulfilling prophecy (not the cheating, but losing you) and that's on him. No doubt you'll feel freer and healthier in time.

No. 202868

I don't have personal experience with that magnitude of loss, but I think the only way to go is to let yourself feel it. All of it. Talk about your late partner to others who knew them, say their name, write letters to them, take part in activities they enjoyed. You don't need me to tell you that it won't be easy, but you won't be in despair forever. Maybe grief counseling could help, too.

No. 202877

Man it's like being programmed for lifelong dissatisfaction. Are you this way in other areas of like like work or only for romantic relationships?

No. 202879

I’m wondering whether it’s some sort of stupid coping mechanism I’ve developed. Because I pine HARD after men then feeling nothing. I feel so frustrated. I just want to feel something.

It’s not just romance though it is most visible in that area. It’s with everything, I seem to enjoy the frustration and chase more than the achievement, after which I feel meh. Which is terrible because I get no relief from the buildup. It’s like a ruined climax.

No. 202895

Did your parents give you enough attention and affection growing up? Were any of them abusive? Not asking to be bitchy, I'm genuinely curious because a lot of my friends, male and female, are like you.

It's always been strange to me because I'm the opposite of you, if a guy gives off bad vibes or looks disinterested in any way I feel repulsed and angry. I feel like chasing men is beneath me, it should be the other way around. I grew up ugly too so it's not my looks, women in my family just had strong personalities and I grew up to be like them.

No. 202898

I wonder about my upbringing sometimes. My parents and I have a good relationship. My dad and I clash sometimes, but I wouldn't say it's abusive or beyond what is normal. Typical parent/daughter arguments lol. They raised me well and I love them. But my mum did slap me a lot when I misbehaved, and my dad moved country when I was 2-3 before he brought us over, that's the only thing I can think of.

I did grow up ugly too. I only turned beautiful around 20ish. I want my men to love me more than I love them, but I want the chase too. The women in my family also have strong personalities. I've been self sufficient since age 18 and I have my own business - I think maybe I try to be too strong or something so maybe my brain stops me from getting too close with a guy after the chase. Maybe.

Dunno how to fix it tbh. Maybe I need to just keep seeing the same man until I suddenly feel something one day.

No. 202915

My partner told me the other day during a conversation about his abusive ex that it made him realize that everlasting love isn't real and he didn't believe in unconditional love unless it's between a parent and their child.

I didn't say anything but my face got so unbelievably hot and it felt like my insides started to shake. It really felt like a punch to my stomach because I would do anything for him and I want to give him a good life.

What he said doesn't align with what he did though because we discussed getting married last February and I know he got me an engagement ring to give to me so I don't understand why you would marry someone if you didn't love them unconditionally.

I didn't want to say anything at that moment because I had such a visceral reaction that I wanted to wait for my feelings to cool down so I could assess why I felt that way and if it was irrational.

I'm not sure if it bothers me as much as it did but I really think its a belief that stems from being abused, but I still don't know whether I bring this up or not or what to even say about it really.

No. 202916

That’s fucked to say to you, especially if you’re getting married.

No. 202918

File: 1629761382991.jpg (57.29 KB, 513x603, hathaway.jpg)

People don't say stuff like that to their partners for no reason. Sounds like he's changed his mind about marriage and doesn't want to break the news abruptly, so he is trying to walk back by hinting at it and gauging your reaction. At the very least you know he's holding back and not that excited about the commitment or prioritizing you as his life partner. Sorry anon but you can do better

No. 202921

He's right though? Romantic love isn't unconditional, you have to work at it and treat your partner right or they will (justifiably) walk away. It's a lot of work and not everyone is cut out for it. Parents can't just abandon their child once they turn out to be a sociopath or vice versa, and this is why it's said to be unconditional. Unconditional love isn't a good thing at all.
Why are you upset about it? He's proving to you that he loves you. He wants to put in the effort and make the relationship last because he chooses to be with you every day and you make him happy. If you didn't or he wasn't sure, you'd be a forever-gf or get dumped. If something is going wrong, it's better to be with someone who chooses to be with you every day because they think it's worth the effort, than with someone who loves you 'unconditionally' no matter what and lets you walk all over them. That's not love, that's codependence.

No. 202924

He's pretty up front about things I think the situation with his ex that got brought up he kind of just went on a tangent.. But yeah, caught me off guard for sure.

No. 202925

I don't disagree, but don't you usually find a person that you're able to love unconditionally? People that have high standards for themselves etc. that aren't going to let a relationship fall through. Though I suppose that could be considered a "condition"

No. 202943

>don't you usually find a person that you're able to love unconditionally?
No, wtf are you thinking? That's insanely unhealthy. Would you love someone who cheated on you, hit you, abandoned you, abused you?

No. 202953

No? This is exactly what I meant by finding a person that you love unconditionally? Someone with standards who wouldn’t do that? You missed the entire point of what I was saying.

No. 202954

Nayrt. Unconditionally means under no condition. If there are conditions that would cause you to stop loving them, you don't love them unconditionally, even if those conditions are never met. Believe it or not you will never ever know another person completely. It may not ever effect you or even be a negative thing, but people have been blindsided by hurtful things from a seemingly good partner before. It's fine and dandy to think you'd definitely be able pick someone perfect for you, but people lie and people change. If you were blindsided by something awful your child did, chances are you'd still love them because you made them. If it were your partner, things should be different. And that's a good thing, anon. You should have high standards and expectations for people you invite into your intimate life. Don't get it confused with loving someone despite natural things happening to you like age, health, finances, time. That is the kind of love that is healthy with your "forever" partner.

No. 202955

Are Spanish men always so forward? Talking about marriage, i love you, etc

No. 202960

You seem to not get what 'unconditional love' means and I hope you discuss it with your bf instead of dumping him over your misinterpretation of the meaning of a word. It doesn't mean loving a flawless person who could never wrong you, it means loving them even when they are flawed and they do wrong you (hypothetically). The very premise automatically includes any and all possibilities, whether you think they're likely or not.

No. 202975

When did I ever say I was going to dump my partner lmao everyone is missing the point

No. 202982

The other anons are right that love can't be completely unconditional. But that's not something you usually tell your partner. It would make anyone sad. And that's why I'd see it as a red flag

No. 202984

Romantic love isn't unconditional. You should both have boundaries and certain conditions that you want your partner to meet. Imo that's not sucking all the purity out of the love or anything, I think it healthy for people to know relationships are conditional. If you stop having your needs met in a relationship then you generally do fall out of love.

No. 202989

I have an ex who broke up with me and said "maybe we'll meet again in the future and it'll work" and it was the weirdest thing to hear mid break up talk. Like this article said it's an 'open door' comment that robbed me of closure for a while there. Thing is, he left me for another woman… then wants an opening to come back if that falls apart. He was already thinking that far ahead? He sent me a housewarming gift after I moved out and he's "there for me if I need anything" He tried to maintain contact for over a year afterwards and act caring towards me? All while with this new partner and planning a future where they blend their families together as they both have kids. Nuts.

That experience opened my eyes to the fact that some people just don't want to be alone and will hop into any relationship they can rather than being single. I think in his case it's about wanting steady sex and fearing being stuck sexless for long periods of time. I know for some women it's more of an emotional thing than that. Their self esteem might be resting on securing a partner at all times. To me being single is better than recycling old broken relationships. I wish I had clearly said to him that no I won't be here if he ever wants to try again. I was just so taken aback by it.
> Sorry, We're just not working out. I've met someone.
> We might give it another go down the line though. You never know! Stay in touch
It's such a lose lose situation. It's treating me like crap, treating his current partner like crap and if those are his standards and he can't just be single then it's on some level treating himself like someone who can't even find affection without recycling previously scorned partners. Scraping together any remnants of feeling that might be left.. It's sad.

No. 202990

is it possible to find a guy that would treat me the way men treat women that are confident (don't take me for granted, etc.) but also is there for me and reassuring me because i actually am not confident at all and struggle with my self image

No. 202993

> But that's not something you usually tell your partner.
Bingo. It's like telling someone you're in a long-term relationship with it has a high chance of not working out and you won't be together forever. It's likely true, but who the fuck wants to hear that?
Of course it's possible. There are some genuinely good guys out there. I think the important thing is to drop someone at the first sign of disrespect, though. The worst thing is sticking around with trash because you don't think there's anything better out there.

No. 203037

Dont you love it when your boyfriend dismisses your menstruation pain and when you call him out, he says i lack intelligence and emotional intelligence and that its nothing out of the ordinary apparently.
im just done. Im just crying but i hope one day ill be better. Thanks anons for hearing me out.

No. 203038

Drop him

My bf gets me a hot water bottle and cuddles with me. Why would you stay with anyone who dismisses your pain.

No. 203039

yes anon, drop him immediately, it will only get worse with this kind of disrespect

No. 203044

I feel kind of bad lately

We've been dating for some months now

and I feel… not appreciated, i guess

He comes from a family with little money, and its fine, mine is also similar

But like, I try to gift him things, I gave him something for christmas, on his birthday i gave hijm money to spend on a game, and took my time to go to his house to see him and give him sweets ( despite me having a busy schedule in college and living far from him )

on valentines day i gave him many sweets, and he said he would give me something from a game which i wanted, and He didn't give me until this day, and also in valentines day, a aunt of his bought my a moisturizer, so that he could give me something, and when i thanked him he just went: oh i don't know what that is, my aunt chose

which is… idk frustating, because I go out of my way to gift him and give him nice things

and the only thing "he" gave me, he didn't even choose, or care to look for something i like, letting another person pick the gift for his girlfriend

my birthday is coming up and i just know i won't be gettig anything

and i also pick him up and let him home, eveytime
even when its at my house, i pick him up and get him home

And we never went out to eat or anything, is always, at his house, or at my house

I feel bad for feeling unapreciated and expecting things but i can't help it

No. 203045

stop with the awful spacing ffs

No. 203046

Also, dump him while you've only invested a few months of your time. It's only downhill from here. If he won't appreciate you while you're in the honeymoon fase, he will never. Having little money is hardly an excuse, there's little handmade gifts or free activities he could've prepared but he made 0 effort. Never blame yourself or feel bad for having standards and expecting effort in return for yours.

No. 203050

Assuming you two have a sex life.. I hope you never let this man inside you again. If he is so unwilling to sympathise with the most basic reality of what owning a female reproductive system is like… then he doesn't get to play with it and derive pleasure from it.

No. 203051

All you seem to want is an equal effort back, that's entirely reasonable.

Thing is, guys who put in very little effort this early on generally won't change. It's all downhill from here if you're already dealing with this.

No. 203061

Leave him before you get a more serious illness and see just how one-sided things are.

No. 203069

I blocked him. I can’t believe he would say that to me. At this point i just have no faith in guys anymore. We dated for 11 months and he never said anything like that to me

No. 203072

Please update anon. Did you end up in hawaii?

No. 203073

I'm currently in a sort of LDR for a few months with a guy whom I am sort of dating. We are very close but we didn't put a label on it yet and now the circumstances that force us into LDR have postponed this further. The plan was to take these months to focus on ourselves and then meet again at Christmas and see how to move forward. But already in the first weeks I have come to so many revelations about our relationship and who he is that I really am on the brink of "breaking up". However, I'm not sure if I should just leave it until Christmas since we won't be together anytime soon anyway and maybe my mind will change. On the other hand one thing that has been hurting me and making me want to break up is how ignored I feel, and being "in touch" but not even talking unless I initiate it for a few months I worry will just worsen how I feel. Maybe I would feel better if it was just completely done. I'm scared though because I'm so attached to him and cherish the good moments, but also this attachment is one of the biggest problems and causes of hurt. He also starts school soon so I don't want to create a problem when he is extra busy because it will only stress me more as I am trying to find a time for us to talk. I have a lot of thinking to do but I don't know if I should bring it up very soon or wait until the end of this LDR thing. We've spoken about emotional topics and problems between us before so that isn't a reason why I would postpone this talk.

No. 203074

Don't neglect how you feel anon, it sounds like you don't have anything stable between you and him. It feels like a double edged sword because of your attachment that also causes you pain. Love shouldn't feel like that. The best advice I can give you is to express how you feel to him and see how your dynamic goes. If he truly loves you he will listen and try to understand. If not, you're better without him. Compromise in relationships is natural but seeing how you made the conscious choice to come here and take time to write, it means it's not very easy to sweep under the rug.

No. 203076

what does love feel like?

No. 203080

I had written a draft for a message to him which would state I simply won't limit myself for him and that it was wrong of me to give him the benefit of my unconditional loyalty. That I will stop expecting romantic advances from him and stop actively viewing him as a romantic partner. That he is still free to act as he wishes and that I am not rejecting him, but simply redefining what exists between us as feels more accurate. Yet I am frightened I might ruin everything and push him away. Maybe things will be better bu Christmas. I keep thinking this… I am so scared I might give him the wrong idea… That I don't like him and don't want to be his girlfriend… But that is the entire issue… I do want to be his girlfriend, but not under these circumstances, and that is what I am trying to tell him… But I can't say it that explicitly, because he already knows this, and we were going to wait until Christmas and reconsider everything again then. It would be a clean slate and we would both be reenergised and he can try again. But it doesn't feel right to me. Everything is bothering me right now, for some reason. I struggle to just ignore it until Christmas. There are so many concerns I have. I understand he can't give me a lot of attention right now because of LDR and school, but I am still so hurt… I am thinking I should just focus on myself during this time and that was the entire plan. Then I would myself be focused more on things that fulfill me as opposed to whether or not he messaged me. But it doesn't feel right to me. It seems like the wrong decision. Also, shouldn't a boyfriend and girlfriend be able to have both? Their own lives but also making time for the other to just send some nice messages, even if you have a busy schedule? Wouldn't you want that? Because that's what I want… And that is one point of conflict, I think. Does any of this make sense? I am so so confused. I keep thinking I have reached a conclusion but then I realise other things again.

No. 203081

File: 1629859905541.jpg (44.67 KB, 642x667, feelsbad.jpg)

how would you react if you found out your boyfriend was obsessed with uwutubers? i love him but i'm sad

No. 203083

I’d throw the whole man away but you do you

No. 203085

I know exactly what you mean anon. It's very painful to feel the way you do, I've been there before. If you take time that should be spent on focusing on yourself, but all you can do is worry about him/your relationship. Don't ruin yourself over a guy, ever. Trust your intuition and don't let anyone hurt you like this. If you feel like it's going nowhere and the pain is eating you from the inside, you must know that you deserve better, and you can find someone that doesn't make you feel like this. Don't fall into the trap of wishful thinking that everything will be okay after x and y. Make yourself clear without pushing him away, be blunt with him, tell him your fears. You're only human, and he can either understand where you're coming from and work on it, or break it off in which case it only means you're meant to have someone else in your life, perhaps someone who doesn't make you feel this badly. There were many times where I never voiced my fears with partners, I always regretted it, because in the end I was suffering alone. I hope everything goes well anon, I know things look scary now but the pain of feeling unloved when you're with someone hits harder than the pain of loneliness.

No. 203089

Do you mean vtubers? Or egirls? I would wholeheartedly agree with >>203083 when it comes to egirls, but I'm a filthy weeb so I'd probably tolerate it if my man developed vtuber autism as long as he wasn't spending money on them.

No. 203090

vtubers but it's the same as other egirls honestly

No. 203091

Throw that shit out. He's probably attracted to little kids.

No. 203093

I get that there's women behind the 2d characters but it wouldn't bother me personally as long as he wasn't pining after the voice actress or bringing his obsession into the bedroom. That said if you think it's weird, you should definitely chuck him for someone who doesn't creep you out, I mean the average vtuber fan isn't really a winner anyway kek. You should never settle for a turbo autist unless that's something you're into, and it seems like it's not.

No. 203106

Is it weird that the majority of the time when I’m with my boyfriend I have my boobs out? We will be watching tv and cuddling and he’ll ask me to take them out/take off my shirt so he can play with and see them even when we don’t have sex. I’ve always enjoyed it and never really thought it was weird until a couple of days ago. Do other couples do this as well? watch tv topless?

No. 203107

It's weird and uncommon but if you both enjoy it go crazy

No. 203109

My ex would grope my boobs during random times like when I was in the kitchen feeling unsexual and focused on something else. Being touched like that outside of a sexual context is the fastest way for me to feel like a literal cow/animal

No. 203133

I think alot of women find too much 'casual groping' to be a turn off in the long run, like you maybe do a bit of it in the first few months when you can't keep your hands off each other but then over time boundaries come into it a bit more.

No. 203141

If you enjoy it, don't stop doing it. But I definitely hate whenever I am groped at random. It is so demeaning, like >>203109 illustrated.

No. 203163

Yes, it's weird. Why is it that every private moment with you he needs you to be exposed? If you like it you know, whatever, but your man is pornsick if he can't enjoy relaxing with you without groping you or staring at your naked breasts.

No. 203164

Don't you feel a bit.. objectified? Like if my bf asked me to take my boobs out most of the time I'm with him I'd start to think that my boobs for his enjoyment matter more than I do and enjoying spending time with me in a non-sexual setting.

No. 203186

sorry for any errors, ESL

so I have this one friend, and I met her over a year ago. Shes from the US, I'm not. Shes also 3 years older

last year when she had like the biggest crush on me (she told me so) I had a crush on someone else (but I also liked her when I had the crush on the other person yikes) but before we flirted, and we flirted so much on twitter our mutuals thought we were girlfriends and some still do

even tho we werent dating the flirting went on… and on and on and she would say things to me like "only time i wish I was [instert fucked up country where I'm from] is to be with you" or that I'm the only person making her happy and she would say how much she loves me, almost all the time, she would say things like "I dont like the idea of marriage but with you I feel it would be great"

so I think in like hm june or may or April idk somewhere around that time I confessed that I loved her. she said she loves me too but she said we cant be together because of like different factors (probably the distance or age gap I'm assuming) and that's kinda where the story ends. So basically we both love eachother but we cant be with eachother and it just hurts me so much… Because I genuienly have loved her for over a year now and I know she does too. And idk what to do. Ask her again if she wants to be with me? Or not? I'm conflicted

No. 203189

Let me guess, you're probably late teens/early 20s? (Only age group where 3-year age difference would matter.) I'm not minimizing your feelings and it's nice you share genunine affection with this girl, but she's right, you need to factor in reality. Are you planning to give up all your friends/family locally, move countries, find schooling/a job in a new location and deal with the immigration process all for this woman you've never met in person? And who doesn't seem particularly invested in being with you outside of her daydreams? If you want to move to the U.S. for other reasons and trying things with her (there's no guarantee it would actually work out) would be a bonus then fine, but never stake your happiness and well-being on someone outside of yourself. You will be able to feel love for other people aside from this woman (you even had a crush on someone else when you first knew her). It's normal to feel upset and sad about conflicting circumstances, but with time all hurts heal and life goes on. Especially the more you allow yourself to date other people and stop fixating on someone thousands of miles away.

No. 203198

Your message means so much to me… Truly, thank you dearly… I asked him how he would define our current relationship and to refresh his view on the coming months. This way I can respond accordingly without drawing any wrong conclusions. Initially I wanted to postpone my response to your post until I had made some progress, as I remain confused and uncertain yet aided by the advice found in this thread. However, it has been a day and he hasn't opened my message yet. He was busy and sick though, so I will just wait it out (lololol). But I will report back here as I am already feeling strange and confused thinking about this. I appreciate your support, it helps me think more clearly and learn new things about myself.

No. 203271

Does anyone here have experience with having a break from a longterm relationship that did have a positive outcome (by that I mean it saved the relationship)? I have been together with my bf for 8 years (living together for 3 years) and we both always had ongoing mental health issues. His anxiety problem has gotten really bad over the past year and it is affecting my mental health so much that I feel a strong desire to go live on my own for a while. Everytime my depression gets slightly better I get sucked back in because he doesn't get his shit together, we can't really do stuff together etc. Many things like traveling or driving are impossible due to his condition and it frustrates me even though I have been really patient.
I think I could benefit from getting some space and being able to focus on myself but it feels like that would end up in a break up which I don't want.

Many people say that when you think about taking a break the relationship is already over but I actually want to stay together even though I think about breaking up a lot. I think the main problem is that we live together so I have to deal with the constant stress. it's taking too fucking long to see improvements. I'm just constantly exhausted and want him to work on himself before we continue because it's unhealthy for both of us. I have to add that he said he's going to make an appointment with a therapist so he is willing to change but he said that many times before and his attemps were always half-assed. I wish we never moved in together before seriously working on our issues but now it's too late and I feel stuck. I already decided that if he doesn't make the appointment within a week I'm out. Any advice?

No. 203273

>having a break from a longterm relationship that did have a positive outcome
It's possible they can help if there are very clear terms and goals, but it is typically a break up with extra steps, yeah. I've taken a month-long break before while a partner worked on himself in therapy to try and achieve a specific outcome. When we got back together did things improve? Yes, for a while. Did it ultimately save the relationship? No, he backslid and things imploded. The sad reality is that a month or even several months is not anywhere near enough to overcome mental health issues that have been present for someone's entire life. Real change takes hard, consistent work over years and you don't want to put your life on hold for someone to get their shit together.

In your situation, you're already halfway out the door. You clearly need space from this guy for your own well-being and probably his too. Maybe you could still see him while you live apart, but it's not going to be the same scenario as what you have now (you wouldn't be "real" partners) and you need to decide if that would even be worth it to you. Could you see him and get some of the perks of a relationship without having to be near the heavy fog of his anxiety every day? Or would it ultimately still affect you and you'd be better off focusing entirely on yourself so you can move on?

No. 203347

I'm anon from earlier in the thread about incompatibilities with an otherwise fantastic guy.
I don't think anyone cares, but I broke it off with him. I feel heartbroken but still want to thank the anons here for helping me better navigate my feelings and stand up for myself, even if it hurts a lot. Thank you again

No. 203471

how do i stop being so jealous? was talking about something regarding exercising with my boyfriend and he pulled up one youtube and another tiktok video, both of some gals exercising in some tight short gym shorts. my body isn't as great as theirs but it is close, so it wasnt envy or anything. i excused myself bc i "forgot" to do something and left, bc i was so mad i could cry tears and i didn't want him to see. wtf is wrong with me?

No. 203473

Yes. My bf took a break from me and we were on break for a month. Neither of us saw other people during that time and in the end it really did save our relationship. I have BPD, so you can imagine what that is like. Anyway, him taking a break from me made me realize how shittily I was treating him and it kicked me into gear in regards to seriously kicking my BPD and I'm just a happier person in general now. I also got off my BPD meds. So overall, it was not only a net positive for the relationship, but for me personally, too.

No. 203474

if your body looks similar to some gymcel women on tiktok/youtube then what the fuck are you having a breakdown for… get therapy. and leave that type of jealousy for us skinny but jiggly no exercise women.

No. 203477

idk it's just that it looked like softcore porn, it really triggered me for some reason, youre right though nonny im sorry

No. 203478

BPD-chan please don't give advice to people when your boyfriend told you he never loved you. You will always give more of a shit than he ever will due to your BPD.

No. 203480

I thought it was weird when I found out my bf was into vtubers despite being a soft-weeb myself and it turned me off a lot, I started treating him kind of meanly because I lost respect for him, but we talked a bit and I realized he just likes the community feeling of being involved with a stream and he has just as much fun watching a vtuber stream as he does watching his favorite music producer's streams, and that his best friend also likes vtubers and they use it as a way to bond and meme about since they don't live in the same city anymore. When he became genuinely hurt by me dismissing his interest as "cringe" I realized I was basically just bullying this grown man for one of his minor interests. My bf has lots of normie friends and interests in addition to liking vtubers though so I guess it depends on how you define obsession. If it's all he cares about then yes, I think it's safe to categorize that as a red flag. If it's just a small thing, you might just need time to adjust to this aspect of him.

No. 203487

I broke up with one of my boyfriends so I guess I'm not cheating on anyone anymore, lol. Yes, I'm aware I'm a pos, but I have no future intentions of cheating ever again. Plus I'm actually in love with this guy and left my ex boyfriend for this one because of reasons.

No. 203494

But what is the advice you're looking for?

No. 203500

if you did it now, chances are you will leave your current bf for the next guy way in the future.

No. 203503

File: 1630239978128.jpeg (97.07 KB, 750x724, 672A1DF1-5DEC-4DB3-9A20-10DB1B…)

I’ve been with a great guy (sweet, caring, always pays for me and gets me gifts) for 6 months and it seems these days that I’ve just lost physical attraction to him and want to see him as a friend

I think it might be my commitment issues because he’s let me know that he wants to marry me and sees short-term dating as a waste of time, but I won’t be ready for that level of commitment for a long time. We’re still in college and I want to be able to graduate and go where I want + do what I want without strings attached

I feel like if I break up with him, I would be shooting myself in the foot because he’s such a great provider with a promising career on top of having a genuinely nice personality, but on the other hand I’m getting my own degree and know intuitively it’ll be better to support myself and live with less instead of rushing into this huge decision I’m not ready for… I would also break his heart and find it hard to forgive myself

In the past, whenever he brought up our long-term future together, I just smiled and nodded and said “maybe” because I didn’t want to hurt him and wasn’t even sure of whether or not I wanted that myself. I’m thinking of telling him about the stress that the long-term implications of this relationship have been causing me and offer to stay in the relationship if we can just take it one day at a time.

What do you nonies think? Any advice or commentary on my situation is very appreciated

No. 203504

>I’m thinking of telling him about the stress that the long-term implications of this relationship have been causing me
Absolutely, be completely open with him, he deserves no less.
>and offer to stay in the relationship if we can just take it one day at a time
No. Make it a dialog, not an ultimatum. Listen to what he desires and what his plans are (ask even if you think you know), and if they really don't match with yours just break it off, don't try to convince him to have a relationship on a level not satisfying to him. That never ends well.

No. 203565

Oh sorry I was just venting. I should've stated that.

No. 203646

My love life is very confusing and I make it even more confusing for myself once I'm on my period. Good job, me.

No. 203647

How is your love life confusing if you don’t mind me asking? I’m confused about my own shit at the moment (also on my period) and would love to commiserate.

No. 203649

Kek sure, anon. I'm always going back and forth between wanting to be with this guy or not and once my period hits my answer is no, but once I'm off it my answer is yes. But the thing is I get slightly annoyed by the little stuff he does when I think I do want to be with him so then I end up contemplating everything all over again. He doesn't know I'm currently going through this internal battle with myself and I don't want to stress him out with me. I'm starting to think I just like this scrote's attention because he's genuinely good looking but he's also too autistic and retarded for me sometimes. He matches my humor though which keeps me around as well… But he's a NEET and I don't know if he ever plans on working like I plan on doing because I'm a NEET, too.

No. 203656

Fuck anon, I can totally relate to that feeling of indecisiveness. Do you know how seriously he considers this relationship with you? If it seems like it's more of a casual thing, I think it's okay to just enjoy the attention and the relationship because him being a NEET won't really matter if you aren't planning to marry/settle down with him. I guess other things to consider are whether the attention you receive from him is worth putting up with the autistic/retarded shit he does, how long you've been with this guy, how much time you spend thinking about whether to break up with him, and whether you yourself are looking for a serious relationship. I don't mean to say that you should continue to date someone if you have the intention of breaking up with them down the road, but just that currently if the pros outweigh the cons and the relationship isn't super serious then I don't see the issue with seeing where it goes and coming to your decision when it feels right. That being said, it's important to know your boundaries so that when/if he does something annoying that crosses the line for you that you know that's your sign that it isn't going to work out.

No. 203668

File: 1630394027795.jpg (51.24 KB, 640x436, Flirting, 1896.jpg)

It's such a pain in the ass. I don't know if it's because I'm kind of mentally stunted or I'm just a dumbass, lol.
>Do you know how seriously he considers this relationship with you?
He's told me multiple times that he wants to share his life with me, but I am not letting myself get too excited over this just in case our plans go South where we end up splitting.
Other than that I am pretty much just going with the flow since we've only been dating for a year now. He really does make me feel loved (but I'm still wary lol) but I feel like his annoyance makes up 20% of the relationship and I guess it's normal for that happen? I am probably kind of annoying to him sometimes, too.
>it's important to know your boundaries so that when/if he does something annoying that crosses the line for you that you know that's your sign that it isn't going to work out.
I've always struggled with this in the past with friends, but I for sure won't let this happen this time.
I really appreciate your words, anon. You're like an angel sent from the digital heavens.

No. 203671

Fuck me and my commitment issues. So I've been dating my bf for a year and a half already. We're in an open relationship from the beginning because I asked for it, I wasn't ready for anything serious and we've been messing around for a bit with no resentment from the other whatsoever but to me it's not about fucking other people, just knowing that I can. Anyway we just came back from a nice trip to the beach and he broke down and started crying over how scared he was about losing me. I'm his type and he's my type so much it's scary, my family loves him and his loves me, we helped each other with past trauma. I don't want to lose him either but I'm scared I will fuck up just like I did with my past relationships. What should I do, nonnies?

No. 203675

How can I get my (seemingly non-porn addicted) boyfriend to stop watching it completely? He knows I don't like porn and I don't watch for ethical reasons and he knew it before we were together as we were friends, but even then he told me he only watches it once a week on average and it does seem to be true.

I can't see on his browsing history what kind of videos he watches but he tells me it's "normal" stuff although we all know how fucked up vanilla porn is, apparently it's not incest or rape or BDSM and he doesn't ask for anything crazy in the bedroom, just weird acrobatic postures and he said he'd like to try anal but didn't insist when I said I didn't want to. Also he is disgusted by a lot of stuff like choking, pretend rape, pain etc that are really normalized. Sooo how do I deal with a guy that most likely isn't having a terribly problematic porn consumption? Do I make him watch documentaries and hope his humanity kicks in? Try being confrontational? Other?

Also I don't like porn but I also do stuff that fuels trafficking (I like cocaine from time to time). I don't want to be too hypocritical and I don't have that much of a moral high ground.

No. 203677

If he's afraid of losing you then I'd suggest you stop having an open relationship. Even if he doesn't state it openly, he probably feels bad that you want to have other options.

No. 203681

put an ultimatum on him "if you don't stop this I will break up with you"

No. 203685

try to make him watch/listen to testimonies by former porn actresses. I'd recommend Lana Rhoades (very popular, someone he's definitely coomed to) she has talked about how painful and traumatizing porn was for her.

No. 203687

Though I don't believe at all a guy is going to stop if he isn't even ready to do the minimum of legwork himself and it's all on you, AND he already watches it once a week (as far as you know, but considering he seems to delete his browser history or whatever, you can't even know that), here:
Page 46 to 71.
I agree with >>203681 though. Even if he watches normal stuff, how normal can it be if 88% of all videos show at least one instance of physical agression against women and he wants to put it up your fucking butt (doesn't matter that he didn't insist or push for it, the interest alone is disturbing enough)? If it's loving sensual passionate uwu amateur stuff it's very likely revenge porn the moid in the clip uploaded. Doesn't even matter on a moral high ground basis, what he does is what I'd consider cheating even if everything were really as safe and valid as everyone tries to push nowadays.

No. 203688

there's literally no such thing as "ethical" "normal" porn in the industry. In my opinion, normal porn or ethical would be one in which the actress started at 25 at least and went through mental evaluation. Most porn women start at 18 and are CSA survivors and mentally ill. Also, all sex depicted in porn is the opposite of normal. Normal romantic story or sex story would be 2 hours long where 2 people are shown falling in love and then they finally have sex, but no moid would watch that or he would skip exactly to the sex part. Even moids that say are not addicted or barely watch it are lying, porn is literally as addictive as coke.

No. 203689

Thanks for reminding me how much porn is awful and unacceptable. I didn't think I had the will to put an ultimatum on him but I'll definitely try. That doc makes my skin crawl, holy shit

No. 203692

>"I'm his type and he's my type so much it's scary, my family loves him and his loves me, we helped each other with past trauma."
>Proceeds to have sex with other people.

The comedy writes itself. Stop having an open relationship, both parties are going to get hurt and these things do not last till old age. Although the fact that you were the one that asked for the relationship to be open says that you probably don't love him as much as you think you do. If you truly love someone and see yourself growing together and having nice experiences, a community of people shouldn't be in that picture.

No. 203694

If he wants anal then he's already too far gone and there's no helping him. Break up.

No. 203695

what if he wants to be pegged

No. 203701

That's my fetish, but most men who want to be pegged are on the path to becoming a troon/have serious misogynistic beliefs about sex.

No. 203704

We're both in our 30s and we both tried monogamous relationships during our 20s but none worked. I just felt trapped and he was dumped during wedding preparations.
Anyways I decided to bluntly ask him about his fears and it's not related, he still has some trauma he has to face and he's just scared he will sabotage the relationship somehow. As long as he doesn't do anything fucked up I'm sticking with him.

No. 203706

>He still has some trauma he has to face
>As long as he doesn't do anything fucked up

I think you both need a big hard look at yourselves in the mirror.

No. 203714

He says he's scared to sabotage the relationship? Girl you said in your first post that you're the one who made the relationship open. I think you're the one who sabotaged the relationship from the start. Leave this man alone and let him find someone who truly loves him.

No. 203718

This is quite stupid of me, but it is awkward when you can tell a partner is excited about something sexual because they remember it was fun with their ex. I have these huge platform stripper shoes and I finally wore them during sex with my bf and he was really excited about the possibility of him being able to have sex with me standing up and it was so immediate I knew he suggested that because of his ex who was his height. It embarrasses I even care because I know it's not like a bad thing, everyone picks up stuff they life from their exes, but it's hard because I hate my height so bad. I'm a mid range height (5'4'') and he knows I hate being that height. I have told him so many times how I wish I were tall and more intimidating, and he always tells me he likes my height because it's a perfect distance from his face, etc. and it's not that I don't believe him but I hate how as soon as I get taller with those shoes he immediately wants to fuck me in a way that takes advantage of my height. I am not angry or anything at him, but it's hard because I'm so sensitive about my height and even though his ex was a lot more unattractive than me, I'll always admire that she was tall and it makes me feel like shit. I know this is stupid, it's just like one of my biggest insecurities and my boyfriend has always seemed to think it's not that big of a deal, but then it's obvious it'd be nice if I was tall. I hate my brain, anons. Is there any way I can not break down crying when we do end up having sex with me standing in those platform boots?

No. 203719

you are definitely projecting your insecurities. your bf is just excited by the novelty of a new position. would you rather him say, nah, i don't want to have sex with you with the platform shoes on? it seems like you're setting yourself up to get hurt either way, anon. 5'4" is a perfectly normal height and men do not care about it.

No. 203720

Just don't have sex in those shoes if you have such a big height complex that it'll make you cry. Simple solution.

No. 203721

You are right.
But that makes me feel like a pussy, anon!

No. 203722

you are

No. 203723

This is bothering you to the point where you might cry mid sex… don't do it. If you can't communicate your feelings with this guy you should not be sexual with him

No. 203726

Why are you having sex in your shoes girl just get naked

No. 203729

Ideally, I'd be able to deal with my insecurities first. But I will likely tell him. I am quite open with him, it's just very embarrassing to me I'm insecure about this.
Most of the time I am just naked.

No. 203742

this is so funny to me, i just cant picture a 5'4 woman that is extremely insecure about their height, you're not even short and even if you were it wouldn't be a hinderance to your attractiveness as a woman. You wore stripper shoes (emphasis on stripper) during sex and you're upset because it got him sexually excited? I dont think this is about your height I think you're internally competing with his ex because bringing up her unattractiveness was unnecessary. If he had a thing for tall women and all the girls he dated were WNBA players or something then I might understand but even in that case this reaction is too exaggerated. You need to go to therapy if this situation has caused you this much of an emotional distress, this reads like pathological jealousy and extreme insecurity.

No. 203748

I have fallen in love with my fwb, but I know for a fact she feels nothing. I want to break our current relationship because it's painful to me to know she just sees me as hot and nothing else, but also I don't want to lose our friendship because she is very meaningful to me, and I don't know what to do.

No. 203751

I'm not so much jealous of his ex as I am jealous of her height. Every tall woman I envy. I don't harbor any hatred or frustration, I admire that.

No. 203752

You're an entirely average height, forget about whatever dumb stripper fantasy he has. It's not worth feeling this shit over

No. 203756

I feel like it's time to break up with my moid. Because of a combination of vaginismus (yes I know it's psychological) and trauma, I haven't been able to have sex with him for close to a year. He seemed to be OK with this, and told me to prioritize my wellbeing when I asked how he'd be able to handle going without sex for so long. Today I found out that he still looks at pictures of girls on Reddit, and is amazed that I expected him to go without any pornographic material all this time. We had this conversation right before I had to go watch my online lecture, and he kept pushing the issue until there were literally five minutes left for me to log in and get my notes ready. I stress that detail because he is only ever this pushy when he feels like I'm upset with him, and I am. I feel grossed out and betrayed, especially because he hears me banging on about women's exploitation and how awful the sex """industry""" is practically every other day. On just about every other count he's the ideal boyfriend, so of course it just had to be the case that he jerks it to Reddit girls when I'm not putting out. I don't know what to do, nonnas.

No. 203757

Girl he's not getting any sex from you for a year (I don't mean to blame you, just stating the fact), is supposed to go with no sexual stimulation for a whole year or more? Of course he's gonna turn to porn.

No. 203759

im so sorry nona but >>203757 is right, i know i couldnt go without any kind of erotic material for a year, and i know some anons will be like you dont NEED porn to masturbate but like, no. you need a visual or something you cant masturbate to your imagination for a year. What kind of pictures though? pictures of girls on reddit sounds tame

No. 203761

I guess I can see that, but it still feels weird coming from a guy who made a big show of saying how guilty looking at porn while in a relationship makes him feel. Like sure, I agree that browsing the front page of r/gonewild is nowhere near as bad as looking at hentai or actual porn, and I'd drop him without the slightest hesitation if that turns out to be the case. Nonetheless this hits me right in some very old and sore insecurities about my body, my aversion to acting 'sexy', etc. I feel now like I am just not good enough, even though the problem isn't with me but with the lack of sexual stimulation.
tl;dr i get it but it sucks

No. 203763

>you cant masturbate to your imagination for a year
Yes you can. What do you think people did in the olden times?

No. 203767

im not living in the world they lived in

No. 203771

So you admit you're pornsick. Good

It sounds like your relationship is already over, honestly. But if you want to salvage it, you'll have to consider what you're willing to forgive. Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with a man who emotionally cheated on you when you were in pain? Are his motivations for cheating understandable to you? Is boredom or impatience a good enough reason to lie to and hide things from you?

Also, the way he harped on the issue even though you had other responsibilities doesn't sit right with me. He's the one who fucked up here. He should be more considerate of you in these situations, not making it all about him and his agenda. Honestly if I were you, I'd break up with him and focus on working through my own issues. It's really hard to be in a relationship when you have unprocessed trauma, especially the kind that impedes intimacy. I hope that you'll do what's best for yourself and that someday you'll feel happier and healthier, and have the chance for a fulfilling sexual relationship of your choosing.

No. 203772

Samefagging to say
>I feel now like I am just not good enough, even though the problem isn't with me but with the lack of sexual stimulation.
No, the problem is with your moid. He lied to you about his viewpoint on pornography use during a relationship, and then acted flabbergasted that you took him at his word. The more I think about it, the more disgust I have for him.

No. 203775

I agree, you should leave him. But not because he looked at some titty pictures, you seem like you have a lot of mental problems you need to deal with before putting them on another person like that. Let the man go and let him find a woman who will give him romance, while you go find the number of your nearest therapist.

No. 203776

Yeah OP has issues, she even admitted so herself, so I don't get why you're being so rude. It's not just "looking at titty pictures" when he knows how passionately she feels about women's exploitation. It's an act of betrayal. That said, sex does not equal romance, and if it's the most important part of your relationship, then you have serious issues. I just can't believe the climate in this thread today when less than 24h ago, we had anons sharing articles on radical feminism. And now we have several people blaming OP for feeling rightfully upset that she's been dating a liar with no empathy? Jesus Christ.

No. 203780

Sorry anon, I know it's probably something you don't want to hear, but staying friends with someone you're in love with is typically a bad idea. The emotions are still going to be fresh, and can you genuinely say that if she mentioned getting another fwb or even a partner that you'd remain entirely unaffected and the pain/anxiety that would cause would be worth having her in your life platonically? Very likely not the case. You should be kind to yourself and let go fully so her presence isn't reminding you of what you couldn't have (romantically).

>less than 24h ago, we had anons sharing articles on radical feminism. And now we have several people blaming OP for feeling rightfully upset that she's been dating a liar with no empathy?
Ah, the duality of lc.

No. 203781

have you went through his shit? because I'm guessing he's watching porn, and a lot of it.

No. 203783

I don't give a shit if there are articles about radical feminism somewhere else on the site, its irrelevant I'm stating my own opinion on this particular thread.

>Yeah OP has issues, she even admitted so herself

I'm not being rude, I'm stating the obvious. If she has mental issues, and she can't find a guy who matches the problems she's dealing with, she really needs to leave for his and her sake. Yeah you're right, sex does not equal romance, it does for a lot of us, maybe not for your crusty ass either, but OPs boy seems to be fine with not having it, yet she's still picking him apart? She sounds like a massive karen and that's why I said she should leave him alone and go find someone suitable.

No. 203784

>not wanting your bf to lie and jerk off to other women is "karen" behaviour
wew. cool girls just put up with anything huh

No. 203785

File: 1630471295250.jpg (3.23 KB, 88x88, frog.jpg)

I just got in a new relationship a few months ago. So far he's been perfect to me in every way, until I jokingly admitted I'm a TERF and don't like transgenderism. His immediate reaction was him saying he hopes I'm joking and that it's a dealbreaker. He has a trans family member and is extremely defensive of his family in general, but I didn't expect him to react that way. I immediately played it off as a joke because I like him a lot and don't want to break up over disagreeing on trannies. More than anything it hurt my feelings that he'd break it off over that when we both agreed that we have a great relationship together. What should I do at this point?

No. 203786

Oh Nonnie. Don't be ashamed of being a TERF. You should feel out what he really feels about it. He may have a trans family member but does he genuinely like trans people or care about trans issues? If yes, stay away because he's a chaser. If he's just being okay with trans people because his sibling made him accept it, you might be able to fix his brainwashing.

No. 203793

I can't believe the bs I'm reading upthread. I can't say anything >>203771 >>203772 hasn't said already, but she's completely right. You said he feels soooo guilty looking at porn in a relationship, but if he really did, he wouldn't act so surprised when you were rightfully hurt by his behaviour (because it wouldn't have come up in the first place). His guilt about this kinda stuff is conditional, and the condition is that there's a better alternative to porn.

No. 203804

I had a similar issue with my bf. He said pretty early on that being “transphobic” was one of his dealbreakers, but he didn’t try to hassle me when I gave a good explanation as to why I’m a TERF (ex: the appropriation of women’s medical struggles like PCOS, vaginismus, etc.).
He tries to pride himself on being a “good guy” and has trans-identifying friends online, but he values our relationship more than anything else. If your bf isn’t willing to hear you out, then that’s a character flaw.

No. 203805

I'm really similar to >>203804
My boyfriend has a ftm friend and I didn't tell him I was a terf until, like, a year into the relationship, lol. He's a lib and reacted pretty well to it honestly and I think that was only because I shared reasons you can't really argue against. We're still together despite him and the ftm knowing each other for a really long time, way longer than him knowing me.

No. 203806

Lucky, you didn’t commit to either a coomer or someone who’d expect you to sit next to some coomer tranny every Christmas.
You could have gotten married or worse, had a child with this guy before finding out his family has a probably groomer.

No. 203812

He says it's a dealbreaker now but he's exclusively viewing the topic from a male (thus no regards for women's issues), emotionally loaded (it's his family member after all) perspective. It feels like an attack at his loved one right now. Offer him objective reasons you're personally against transgenderism and you're far more likely to reach a point of understanding for your perspective and outlook on the matter. It's unlikely you'll be able to shift his opinion enough to make him turn against his tranny fam but acceptance of your opinions even if he personally can't fully agree with it is enough if you want to continue the relationship.

No. 203814

>you cant masturbate to your imagination for a year.
Why do people think this? If you're not horny enough to masturbate to your imagination, you're just bored and want to get off to porn. Also it's laughable that men consider themselves the visual sex yet somehow it's impossible for them to get off by visualizing so they have to look at porn. How convenient.

No. 203815

Yeah don't be with anyone who makes you feel that way.

Good post.

No. 203821

Nobody can tell you, you just know it… That's from the Matrix.

No. 203824

I really want implants but my boyfriend doesn't want me to get them. I am a bit scared of breast implant illness, but other than that, I have always wanted them since I was a kid. I don't know what to think. I just want big tits.

No. 203825

To add, it's not like I have terribly small boobs - they're a 32D-32DD, so they're like average. I wish they were huge, though.

No. 203826

File: 1630510990401.jpg (101.66 KB, 1080x913, 1610928592363.jpg)

Why wouldn't your bf tell you what kind of porn he watches unless its cp or gay porn(can confirm it's not the second one)? I'd imagine that he has a very specific preference for some physical trait on the women who appear on it that you don't share. How do I confront my bf and make him know that I'm not okay with porn? He was so elusive about the topic the only time I forced him to talk about this. Unfortunately I think I showed myself to be understanding about his activity, which is not how I really feel. He disappointed me. Have any of you confronted your partners or friends on this topic? What happened?

No. 203832

Reading this I realized I do those things, but the female version. I don't like sharing my devices, and I talk shit about men with my friends. I get angry and stressed easy.

No. 203839

Anons how much stock do you put into the idea that you can see what kind of man your partner is based on how he treats his sisters/mom/other female family members, especially when he's mad? I've seen it reiterated here and also mentioned irl. I get that you'd want to compare yourself to the other women in his life but at the same time (at least imo), the relationship someone has to their family is complicated and not always rational. I don't treat any of my friends or my partner the way I treat either of my parents because regardless of my desire to have a relationship with my parents as an adult, they still treated me like shit as a child and those wounds are still there. Every other person who treated me like shit got cut out of my life, but with parents its difficult. I've heard moids mention this as a red flag regarding women as well. I think the only time it's really a valid red flag is when you realize somebody is just spoiled and treats their parents like ATMs (or if he treats his parents badly and never opens up about his relationship with them).

No. 203844

Yeah I also really take that advice with a grain of salt and analyze the situation, my current bf has a terrible relationship with his mom and honestly has called her every word in the book but shes a raging alcoholic and he straight up had to testify in court against her so his dad could get custody of his younger sister, hes extremely respectful of his grandparents tho.

No. 203846

It's extremely important on average unfortunately, though on a case-by-case basis you'll also find lots of exceptions to this.

Even when someone is in conflict with their family because of abuse or other problems from the parents' end, a great deal of emotional instability, addiction problems, disagreeableness, and other risky traits are at least somewhat heritable. As people grow older, the heritable factors also tend to become more important, cue the midlife-crisis realization of "oh my god, I've become just like my parents". This means that even when a young person is otherwise sweet and sane, if he treats his family with indifference or hostility even for a justified reason, a long-term future with him could eventually turn bad. It's much safer to choose someone whose parents are good, emotionally warm and stable people, and who is close with his family members (in a healthy way of course, not codependent). Again, though, this is just in terms of probabilities, some good people also have shitty parents.

No. 203847

I think it can definitely say a lot, but if he has a bad relationship with his female family members that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad partner. Anyone can have a strained relationship with their family, it's only when he specifically treats his female relatives badly because they are women that you should watch out. If he belittles his mom or sister or throws mysogynistic insults at them, that's a sign that he has a problem with women in general and probably won't respect you either.

People do mention it with women and their fathers as well, but I think that's a bit different. While a bad or absent father can certainly influence how a woman thinks of men, it doesn't seem as common for women to have a bad relationship with their male relatives caused by their disdain for men. More like the other way around, if that makes sense.

No. 203848

It's definitely not the same anon. Having valid criticisms of men's shittiness versus contributing to the prevalence of human trafficking/general abuse and reducing human intimacy to a shabby facsimile of what it should be isn't even in the same realm. Any decent guy (of which there are few) would be understanding of that frustration and wouldn't begrudge you venting.

No. 203850

It does depend on individual circumstances but it should be fairly obvious when exceptions arise. I wouldn't begrudge a partner getting upset with their mom if she was abusive, but I've also had the opposite scenario occur. That is, all my partner's female relatives were cool girl pickmes who endlessly excused and laughed off their scrotes' terrible behavior, hence he placed them on a pedestal and wondered why other women weren't as accommodating. I would go with >>203846 advice and say just look at family dynamics in general. If his relationships are good is that because he's putting in an effort or because the women make it super easy for him and the only "disagreements" surround what's being made for dinner? A man growing up seeing his mom accept a ton of bullshit while dad fucks around is going to assume he should get away with the same even if he says he's better than that. It takes a lot of internal work to overcome bad dynamics, and most men don't have the capacity or desire to do it.

No. 203883

>People do mention it with women and their fathers as well, but I think that's a bit different. While a bad or absent father can certainly influence how a woman thinks of men, it doesn't seem as common for women to have a bad relationship with their male relatives caused by their disdain for men.
I totally agree nonnie, I’ve noticed this too. Even women with deadbeat dads or women who have been in straight up abusive relationships aren’t usually manhaters. If anything, women tend to internalize and turn into pickmes/people pleasers because we tend to think we’re always the problem.

Idk if having a bad relationship with family is a red flag, some people are really just shitty and hard to get along with, but I’d definitely say that a guy who loves his female family members isn’t the green flag that most women think it is. Being a good son or a good brother doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole when it comes to your gf/wife, it’s a completely different dynamic. I’ve met plenty of guys with close female friends/family who turned out to be creeps.

No. 203894

File: 1630559149261.jpeg (27.05 KB, 240x240, 99F1CEED-B6E1-49B6-A96D-B3D0AD…)

Hey nonnies. I just broke things off with my six month FWB. He had me convinced that he really acted about me but would go days without messaging me back. When I sent him the text all he had to say was “okay see ya :)”. I’ve had guys I was seeing for three weeks say more when I broke it off with them. I told myself I wasn’t gonna get my feelings hurt but I feel like a complete idiot. Any words of reassurance from other victims of fuckboys would be v appreciated right now.

No. 203895

*he really cared about me

No. 203896

File: 1630560085860.jpg (128.11 KB, 1080x1080, XnyT1B4Xki4.jpg)


I'm 30 and I've never been in a relationship. I really wanted to but I don't like the guys who like me and the guys who I like never like me back. I also have had some random sex here and there but it never went further because I was getting scared for no reason.

I have a feeling that something is wrong with me and I start losing hope.

No. 203899

Sorry to hear that anon. It might feel bad now, but it sounds like you made the right call. If he really cared about you, he wouldn’t have kept you as a fwb for 6 whole months. Don’t stress over someone who doesn’t care about you, it’s not worth it.

No. 203903

just venting; ive had this dormant crush on a high school friend i never realized till i jacked off tonight. he was very religious, never cursed, and is becoming an actual doctor soon. swwwoooooonnnnnn

No. 203905

is there any way you can contact him?

No. 203907


Thanks nonnies and everyone else who replied, I took your advice and admitted the truth to him and explained my opinion. His trans relative is FTM(thankfully not MTF which is where the majority of my grievances lie) so he wasn't outright offended. He agreed that we just shouldn't talk about it and that he respects my opinion.

No. 203913

Do you know how your bf feels about the situation? Like does he recognise the terrible influence his mom has on his life? With parents like that you kind of have to go no-contact to get any chance to heal. If you and him are moving into your own place (aka away from her) then that could be a great opportunity for him. That doesn't address the issue of the dog obviously, but it seems that's just one symptom of a larger problem. In matters like these, you should always go straight to the root of things. And the root is that your could-be MIL is sabotaging your relationship. Even if you get your bf away from her, you'll be retraining him AND the dog…

No. 203914

>And I also don't know if I want to date someone who kinda has a girlfriend already and her name is mom, thats gross and codependent and pathetic and kinda incestuous. Especially not make it as serious as moving in together. Hell he even acts like her dad, makes all the food, cleans the house, takes care of her dog, its hella pathetic. Having a good realtionship with your mother is absolutely fantastic, but being her husband-daddy as her son is fucking nasty.
Can you straight up tell him this? Idk, he sounds like a good guy but just has his prioritizes misplaced. Sometimes family issues are so emotionally charged you don't realize how fucked up things get until someone else points it out.

No. 203916

>we have been dating for 3 years with some breaks
How many breaks are we talking about? Like how long, were they messy and were they over the mom issue or something else?

No. 203933

>My boyfriend hurt me emotionally
Some detail on what he did seems important for context

No. 203955

File: 1630615467049.jpg (46.16 KB, 516x767, 1624272291437.jpg)

Anons with successful relationships, how do you meet a genuinely good man? Where are they? When does it happen? I have been through abusive relationships with men to where my mind feels quite broken. Looking at men on dating apps is extremely depressing. I'm 28 right now and I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm slipping into the "being forever alone" mindset because men are just so depressing. Where can I go/look?

No. 203958

Many people in relationships compromise/settle in order to just not be alone. No one, even the most beautiful, successful, amazing woman, is guaranteed a healthy and successful relationship. It's primarily persistence and even more so luck. If being a parent is something you want to experience then think about your cutoff age for pregnancy and have a back-up plan if you haven't met a guy by then. Sperm donor, freezing your eggs, adoption.

As for where to meet good guys, dating apps are utter shit. While there are rare exceptions the vast majority of men on them are desperate, degenerate and unhinged. Develop broader friend circles, do more activities where your ideal person might spend time (volunteering, clubs, fitness, classes, shows). Most of all just focus on yourself though. The most you can do is continually put yourself in positions where you meet new and interesting people, but there's still no certainty that you'll find a good guy. Simply put, they are exceedingly rare and shouldn't be the golden goose you bet all your happiness on. Having a partner isn't the only way to avoid loneliness. Make friends, give back to your community, create your own family.

No. 203965

>I'm 28 right now and I feel like I'm running out of time.
Get this thought out of your mind right now

No. 203967

This. Not only is it retarded because duh, you're young af and even if you weren't people of all ages date, 'scarcity mindset' always gets women stuck in shitty relationships. They settle for anyone, won't leave for anything, because they think it's their one and only chance to be in a relationship so they can't have standards.

No. 203969

I want get the idea out anon. I entered the dating world when I was 20 and naive. So I feel 8 years later and no success just means I failed to find "the one". I don't want to settle anymore. I've been happier alone than in the relationships i've had. I just feel like it may always be that way. Like ill be alone forever.

No. 204003

>I don't want to settle anymore.
>Like ill be alone forever.
Honestly, good for you on the first count. But again, society really overidealizes romantic relationships. Not having a partner doesn't mean you have to be alone, you can surround yourself with friends and have an amazing social life with people who would likely do more for you than a partner anyway. I'm glad you've been enjoying singledom to some extent. If you don't want to get with just anyone though, you will likely have to be patient. The thing is that you never know if you're going to meet someone great tomorrow or five years from now, so it's damaging to fixate and feel like you need to achieve something that's honestly fairly outside of your control within a set period of time. The same uncertainty goes for those with relationships: People who have been married for decades divorce at age 50 and feel better for it. You can find love at every age. I hope you can try to focus on having fun and doing things that are meaningful to you, and if the stars align, you could end up meeting someone who meshes with you along the way. Just try not to feel like you're in any way a failure for not having a partner. Being with someone good is a bonus, not a minimum requirement for happiness.

No. 204004

Does anyone here e-date or have experience with that?
Should I even bother?

No. 204006

how often do normal couples have sex?

my boyfriend recently said he would have sex every day if i was up for it and it made me feel kinda shitty. do people really have sex every day? sounds like a real good way to get a uti

No. 204015

I would say that’s fairly normal, but he said if you were up for it I think he’s just expressing what he would like. Not necessarily demanding it (I wasn’t there so maybe it played out different). If you’re not up for sex everyday you by no means have to, if he ever forces you then huge red flag. Partners sex drives can be wildly different, mines is pretty high compared to my bfs and that can be frustrating for me but I don’t want to force him to do anything he’s not up to so we just watch a movie. There’s a bit of give and take here and there so just say how you feel and how his words made you feel.

No. 204017

A couple times to one time a week is average.
So daily is definitely more than most. Personally I have a high sex drive so I get where your boyfriend is coming from, but having been with lower libido partners having sex less often was tolerable so long as there was lots of general physical affection and attempts to meet each other halfway. And no I wasn't getting UTIs constantly, basic hygiene and cleaning up after sex goes a long way. In any case I hope it doesn't make you feel shitty. Someone expressing their wants doesn't mean they think less of you just because you're not quite on the same wavelength. Hopefully in some sense it actually makes you happy that he wants you that often.

No. 204022

This boy sounds like a damn fool. If I were you, I wouldn't even bother. Assuming you got him away from his mom, I think the damage runs too deep to fix him. You know what they say about women trying to change their men. What's holding you back from breaking up? Seriously weigh that against all the shit he puts you through.

No. 204028

I agree. OP, even his best friend has had enough of his shit, that should tell you something. Why choose to deal with a codependant guy and a dependant animal and all the issues they bring.
Whatever you do don't make the mistake of moving in with them. In fact, in general you shouldn't consider moving in with anyone who doesn't have their shit together.

>She was happy people thought she was banging her son.
Ewwwwwww ewwwwwwww ewwwwww

No. 204040

I just dumped my bf of 4 years and the similarities here are alarming.

When my bf moved out to live with me, his mom got really guilt-trippy and was saying stuff like "I'll keep your bedroom exactly the same, so you can always come back to your real home whenever you want".

Instead of a dog, his mom used his younger brother as a weapon. The brother was super anxious, clingy, spoilt brat even at age 25 acted like a retarded child. She would send the brother round to our house every weekend (his only time off work) and made us take him on dates with us. Bf would get angry phonecalls and guilt trippy texts off mom like "WHY DIDNT YOU INVITE X TOO?" if ever we went on a date just the two of us.

He also called me mommy in bed a few times but I shrugged it off. I wish I hadn't. I think he wanted to fuck his mom.

Please don't ask me why I let any of this happen, let alone drag it out for years. TLDR mommy will always come first don't even try to compete. It will drive you insane. Also, your attraction to him WILL die once the hormones wear off kek, no woman gets off on a parent-child dynamic, and that's what will happen.

No. 204041

ALSO wanted to add, bet she uses the dog as an excuse to "drop in" and "check on the dog" when really she's being intrusive and forcing you to be around her. Am I right?

No. 204043

Anons in LDR, how do you cope with the distance? Lately our schedules are busy and we have a massive timezone difference. I'm also going through a personal loss, so my emotions are volatile and it's harder to calm down when we're this far apart. Also quality time is really important to us, so I worry about not getting enough of it… That said, so far my girlfriend and I are doing remarkably well with the separation!!! But just in case things become more difficult, I want feedback in advance to see what worked for others. Any advice?

No. 204044

File: 1630685666071.jpg (84.3 KB, 907x1360, 61O5eAdNVEL.jpg)

I need some advice.
Two weeks ago, I went to a party with a bigger group of friends. We all got pretty drunk and stuff and had a lot of fun dancing. There was a guy that has recently split up with his gf around the same time I split up with my bf. He was quite good looking so we danced, kissed, touched a lot and so on in front of the other friends. After I sobered up a bit in the morning, I became a bit uncomfortable with it and it was veeeery awkward to kiss him goodbye. I'm normally quite a shy and reserved person (I just wanted to have fun partying after a stressful period of time). Now I message with him from time to time but I'm sure I only wanted to have fun because I'm touch starved, I don't want to be in a relationship with him because he isn't at all what I'm looking for (he's the 'traditional' kind of guy, lives in a different city too).
What is my problem is that I absolutely don't know how to treat him next time we meet. And I don't know how to treat him afterwards. We're probably gonna meet in front of other friends too, with our whole friend group and it's gonna be awkward in front of them. He's probably gonna want to kiss me as a greeting because I was into it before and I know it's gonna be awkward as fuck to interact with him. Some of those friends know him well but the guy himself is pretty much a stranger to me. The thing is I'm up for touching and fun when partying but not up for casual sex or for a relationship. I don't know how to tell him this.
How should I act? I'm a mid-twenties adult but I don't have much romantic experience so I just cringe so much thinking about it. I should probably text him this first before we meet with other friends present?

No. 204048

Hello, my SO and me are probably not working out.

We were away for 4 months this summer and in that time they were in an online group full of opposite sex people making a lot of friends. I brought this up to them and they assured it was just a group of same-sex people and just there for same-sex friends.

I decided to peek for myself and they had talked to a specific opposite-sex person every single day at least 20 times a day. I was lucky to get maybe 2-3 messages a day and they were very short with me when it happened.

In the mean time I would tell them about my day over text and I would just get a "nice" or just a very short message. I was fine with it at the time I just thought they were busy.

On my birthday they joked with the opposite-sex person saying they were family and joking about how close they were. On my birthday all I got was a text message around 10pm saying happy birthday and sorry for not realizing earlier.

When the opposite-sex friend would talk about their day my SO would respond pretty lengthily much more than what I would get.

It hurts. They have lied to me about this person and hid it from me for a long time and had given me the ultimatum that they would be allowed to have this opposite-sex friend or that the relationship will end. Eventually they told me that they will leave the online group when they feel like it and they don't seem to want to accept the damage that it has done to the relationship. Am I overreacting or is this a valid reason to break up? Keep in mind this is a 6 year relationship and they only now started to search for opposite-sex friends.

No. 204049

Yeah, wouldn't wait around for him to cheat or go through a year-long drawn out breakup while they orbit each other. Doesn't really matter how long you guys have been together, it's not like you will be life partners if this is how willing he is to prioritize you. I know it hurts but it's going to hurt much more if you keep putting in effort while he lies and extorts you because of a "friend". Honestly it sounds like you're pretty much done with him too, and from the outside that's clearly the right call.

If things don't work out with new chick he'll also come back all regretful and say he realized what he lost etc etc, don't fall for it.

No. 204052


I know it just hurts so bad. There is a big saving grace in that my SO did mention to them that they were in a relationship but it was never to that person directly. That is the only thing that makes me feel like there is still a chance but they are unwilling to remove them from their life and truly apologize. They are clearly prioritizing these opposite-sex friends over our relationship. My SO also made a comment saying they've gas lit me into a 6 year relationship and I brought it up and they just said it was a joke.

It could be but I really don't know and my trust for them is completely gone at this point so I don't know what to believe.

I'm so torn. This is a person I thought was the love of my life and I would've left my entire family and friends to move in with them a few states away after college.

My reality is so warped, I can't tell if I'm a controlling and jealous person incapable of a normal relationship or I'm with a narcissistic person and I've actually been gas lit this entire time.

Love is so blinding. I am 27 now and all I really wanted was to have a family with them.

No. 204053

Just break up and go eat and drink with your friends until your grief passes and your mind clears up.

No. 204054


I appreciate the advice. I just have been listening to music, running every day, and reading the Bible to find strength to carry on.

I even got them a $300 present to make up for the fighting like a week ago. Every time I mentioned that they broke my heart they just say "me too" like I'm the one who did something bad by saying I'm not okay and feel threatened by this opposite-sex friendship they've been hiding from me.

Sorry I'm just ranting now trying to get it out of my head. Thanks for the advice.

No. 204055


I'm sorry you're going through this but something about religious farmers cracks me up.

But yeah, best thing is to just drop him. From your reply it seems like he's not taking you seriously at all, just trying to get you to shut up so he can go back to talking to his discord buddies. And that's why I'd leave, not the conversations themselves. He's not validating your emotions. He's exerting more of his energy outside of the relationship than inside. That's not fair to either of you tbh. Keep your head up, I'm going through the break up blues myself so I get that it's a really shit time, and making decisions like that really suck.

No. 204056


The next time you run into him you should just be blunt and upfront about that night. Say that you were very emotional and intoxicated that night. You crossed a line that you didn't mean to and even though there is no going back, there's no moving forward in this case either. It was a one time thing, not a mistake, but something you didn't mean to do. You don't want to be fuck buddies, you don't want a relationship, you just want to be civil. You went through a breakup and rushing into stuff is bad. And if he scrotes out, you're just going to have to avoid him.

No. 204057

Yeah you're right and its a hard pill to swallow. I think today will be the day we say our final goodbyes and I plan on cutting off all communications.

I hope you get through your break up as well and you become a more resilient woman because of it. You got this.

No. 204058

I seriously don't get why you're playing the pronoun game anonymously. Are you embarrassed of being a lesbian? Trying to hide that you're dating a themlet or troon? It's so clunky constantly referring to an 'opposite sex friend', just say the words, nobody cares.

No. 204059

I just want peoples opinions while limiting biases. I just want as much as an objective view on what the hell is going on as possible.

No. 204060

>something about religious farmers cracks me up.
Right? Like wtf are yall doing here? I'm not even an anon that goes outside of ot/g/m to mock cows but even then I don't see how anyone deeply religious wouldn't be clutching their pearls and praying for repentance every two seconds with the levels of sin and shit talking in this place.

No. 204061


Thanks nonnie, we got this. when we get too lonely we can always come laugh at our favorite lolcows while eating ice cream.

Maybe she's praying for us to not end up in hell or is trying to intervene in a cows life by guiding them to Christ. But either way it's funny to think of someone actually clutching their pearls/rosary and breaking out into prayer because she fucked up and opened a Shayna thread on accident.

No. 204062

File: 1630697669387.jpg (144.31 KB, 1280x720, E645XeYX0AIus6h.jpg)

I need to find a new guy to distract myself from this emotionally unavailable guy i'm into, problem is tinder is a shithole(i'm not that fond of online dating anyways but thats besides the point) and i'm living in a country where i dont speak the language very well(I know this is a major thing but I couldnt find guys in the country where I spoke the language either plus I live in a very international city so locals my age speak english and there are lots of expats) do i just go to bars alone and hope someone hits on me? i'm so frustrated no one asks me out ever i dont know what i'm doing wrong am i supposed to go up to people? i think i'm a fun and chill, i have many friends i get along with people easily, i'm not a model obviously but i think i'm good looking i'm positive that its not my looks thats turning people away from me, i dont know what the fuck is up with these moids? I'm very social I dont know what more I'm supposed to do to put myself out there? Even the fuckboys I hangout with from time to time(they are the only ones that approach me) are shocked when I say I haven't been on dates or had an irl boyfriend, i'm like you tell me??? like literally please tell me so i can fix whatevers wrong with me?? I met this bartender 2 weeks ago when I went out with my friends and we exchanged numbers planning to do something altogether but my friends ditched last minute so i went alone and it turned into a date, i actually went out with a guy and a girl friend that night and the bartender on our "date" told me he thought my guy friend was dating one of us so maybe i shouldnt go out with my guy friends because it gives the wrong impression? but none of my girl friends go out so i'm lost here. This is not a "I need a relationship to feel fulfilled" type of thing because I've been single all my life, all my relationships were online and the last one ended 4 years ago so I'm content with single life i'm used to it but I need intimacy and I dont want to turn into this toxic guy for it because it hurts me emotionally, my expectations are in hell i'd be okay with not having a relationship i just want someone to hangout with and be intimate so i'm demanding either? how low can i go to appease these scrotes? wtf i might as well walk around with a sign that says "hit me up" to meet guys. Bartender was nice and he wants to hangout again but I'm honestly not that into him because he is kinda annoying and arrogant but no one fucking approaches me I'm grasping at whoever comes along at this point I might hangout with him just because.

No. 204063

>Maybe she's praying for us to not end up in hell or is trying to intervene in a cows life by guiding them to Christ.
This thought just makes it even better, I would love to have our own little guardian angel anons praying for our redemption

No. 204064

Where do you live? If you're American and moved to Europe or something, you'll find that guys in some countries have terminal autism and just never approach women.

No. 204065

Same, not in a foreign country but I refuse to go on OLD apps and am not extra social. Don't want a relationship but it would be nice to have some level of intimacy and occassional sex with a respectful man. This is what all of them say they want yet they make it so difficult. Really though, most men are cowards. Their emotional security is so low and their fear of rejection so strong that they don't approach women they're interested in. Guys who don't take the initiative are often garbage in their own special ways compared to fuck boys that hit on anything with a pulse, but at least in approaching a man you get to pick who you're interested in and there's a small chance they may be normal. I would say look for groups on social media, local events, some sort of hobby, anything that will introduce you to new people and just put yourself out there. Chat up guys about whatever event you're at then say you liked talking with them and ask if you could get their number. I know it's extra work you shouldn't have to be doing, but again, most men are cowardly and retarded but at least this way you'll have more opportunity to maybe find a nice retard.

No. 204068

italy nonnie, i moved from a europe adjacent country and no one would approach me there either, i thought italian men were supposed to be casanovas or something all they do is catcall i swear ill just respond to a stupid catcaller one day and see where it goes im so done with this shit

its driving me mad, i will try doing that you're right its cringe asking for a guys number but if thats what i have to do thats what i have to do, i never thought of looking for specific events because i'm in social spaces all the time like i go to uni every day and i go out to bars and dinners so there is an abundance of men but these retards never make a move, one constructive criticism i received from a male friend is that girls are supposed to show their interest to initiate a move from the guy which is why i started staring at random men when we go out so they could get the hint but even then they look away then look at me when i'm not looking stupid middle school shit like that. ughfffhghghhhhhhhhhhgh i hate men so much, making me go above and beyond for their average ass, do all women do this stuff to find men?

No. 204070

oh nonnie i wish I could help you as an italian but alas I am probably a bigger autist than those moids kek. it sounds like you're doing everything right being social etc, eventually you'll meet someone cuz italian scrotes are thirsty af, sounds like you've just been unlucky. If there's a guy you like in uni just sit next to him and strike up conversation and at then exchange instagrams and keep talking there. In general esp if you're university aged asking for someone's ig is more common and acceptable than directly asking for their number especially if you met in a bar or something. Buona fortuna

No. 204071

Italian men are intimidated by girls, especially if you’re outgoing and confident. You might have luck if you go out with girls during the evening, and most of them are manchildren.

T. Italian anonita

No. 204073

File: 1630702620999.jpeg (53.25 KB, 680x510, 2.jpeg)

You need to understand that guys are picky and while they'd probably like to be intimate with you (sometimes), there is a strong need for social approval from their circle of friends. And if you're into the circle, get ready for very hard times.

No. 204076

thank you girlies i appreciate the insider info, this is why i like italian girls they’ve always been so nice to me and its so easy to make friends with you but italian men are so distant its like i need a plyer to take the words out of their mouth idg if its because they’re like shy or intimidated because i’m outgoing? or im a foreigner so they dont feel comfortable with english(eventhough girls seem fine with it)? I dont think i’m like annoyingly outgoing I’m the least outgoing in my friend group but maybe its still too much for them, i especially experience this with guys in my class i have most of them on instagram but we dont talk, maybe i should strike a conversation on there i never thought of it before. But again like maybe i’m retarded but i thought guys were supposed to do that stuff when they liked a girl you know? And its very true i also observed they’re thirsty as fuck and down to fuck whenever(like any other men from anywhere in the world tbh), i had the opportunity to take a guy home from the club couple of times but unfortunately i am virginia and i want to fix that situation before i pick up guys from clubs thats why i wanted a regular guy first but i feel like telling men you’re inexperienced here is a major turn off because they want to pump and dump and they think you’ll be attached, even the geezers at the club draw the line at virgin so i get the shit end of the stick either way. idk shit sucks i just want a warm body thats all.

>there is a strong need for social approval from their circle of friends. And if you're into the circle, get ready for very hard times.

What did you mean by this nona i didnt get it. Like i need their friends approval first?

No. 204091

NTA but guys are super desperate for their friends approval and even if they like a girl, if he doesn’t think she’s hot enough to impress his friends or lacking in some way that his friends will point out and make fun of, he won’t claim her. But that just speaks to a certain kind of man and a stunted misogynist frat boy mentality. Blog but an ex-friend of mine has a thing with this guy in our college dorms and he literally talked shit to his friends about how she was fat and annoying.
Not too fat and annoying for him to sneak her into his room for blowjobs though.

No. 204103

>guys are super desperate for their friends approval
I second this. A guy's social circle is very influential, so always get a feel of what types of people a guy hangs out with before committing to him. It's very rare that a guy will stand up for his love interest if his friends judge her negatively.

No. 204142

this is depressing..i cant improve my looks any further unless i go under the knife i dont think, i am thin, im good at makeup, i have straight long hair when i actually like short hair and my natural curls better, i take care of my skin, waxing, eyebrows like everything i already do, i dont even dress the way i like anymore i dress very preppy and dainty because its more appealing to general public. I cant say I do all of this so I find a scrote its more because I want to become the most palatable version of myself so I'm not "that" girl. I will never be the most beautiful girl in the room but thats like an impossible standard no? who are these moids dating? megan fox? I think I have a nice basic figure(kibbe soft classic) but no tits and an average ass, maybe i should get a boobjob or sth idk, cuz ive seen men going retarded over girls with big tits but i always assumed there must be more to female attractiveness than cartoonishly exaggerated tits and ass i guess not.

No. 204143

You're trying too hard. Men can smell desperation too. Most men that go crazy for plastic bitches are trailer trash or fuck boys anyway, you want that? Invest in your personality, sports and hobbies instead of this dumb 'looksmaxxing', you'll be happier and you might find someone along the way.

No. 204148


My cousin isn't the most beautiful girl in the world, in fact she's pretty average. And she is who made me realize you shouldn't focus so much on looks. She's charismatic, fun to be around, very smart, and surrounded by awesome people. Everyone around her lights up because she has a way of making you feel good about yourself. She's also in a very happy relationship.

Now I'm pretty vain and love looking beautiful, but observing my cousin makes me invest in my personality even more.

No. 204155

How old are you? Having the energy for all that with such an immature outlook, it seems you're really young. Even if it's working for now, you can't force yourself to meet others' (presumed) expectations for your entire life. You already sound like you're at your limit. I understand the desire to avoid social exclusion, but at the cost of your ego? What about your own dreams and personality and ideals? You're sacrificing everything— time, money, fulfilment— for the approval of people whose ever-changing, disparate expectations are entirely out of your control. Assuming people are intrigued by your fake self and want to get to know you more, what are you going to say? How can you expect to form close relationships when you literally live a lie? It's unsustainable. It doesn't make you happy. You already know that. But maybe you don't know the only sustainable, joyful way of life is to be your natural, authentic self.

No. 204223

Being extra mainstream attractive doesn't do much for women either. Men will be even more intimidated to approach you and you may get more attention over the likes of dating apps but it's attention from trash, not like all the good guys will suddenly pop out of their hiding places. I don't get the point of >>204091 post since you never stated anything bad about your looks, the opposite actually. It is a good idea to check out a guy's friends since if he hangs out with garbage then he's garbage himself, but that's about it.

This whole progression of replies is confusing. Everything you said about your looks in your initial post was positive, then an anon responds saying you need to watch out if you're fat and unattractive (okay? what does this have to do with you?) because men will judge you for that, and now anons are jumping on you for suddenly feeling insecure bc of her post? Based on what you've said I'm certain you are plenty attractive to be accepted by the vast majority of men and not be derided as a fatty in their social circles kek. Like what is going on here? Just chat up men more often and take precautions to protect yourself, I'm sorry people itt are bringing up unrelated topics and making this more difficult than it needs to be.

No. 204225

I relate to you, in the sentiment at least, because I suck at socializing and I am more of a introvert, even if I liked clubs or bars, those things are way too expensive for me. So I'm pretty clueless where I could even get anyone.

No. 204226

where do i meet men? i'm so sick of stupid advice like "sign up for X activity", i don't have the money to be wasting on random hobbies i'm not even interested in, and there aren't really free things where i live. i don't have any friends to meet men via. i feel like the only option left would be online dating but the unanimous opinion on that seems to be that most men on those apps are unhinged and weird. i feel like the more this goes on the more i start to both dislike men AND put myself down and come up with reasons why i'm not good enough anyway.

No. 204228

I can’t imagine you live in a place so isolated (or too far from a larger city) that there are literally zero free events anywhere, not in parks, coffee shops, bars, community centers, volunteering, colleges, theaters, libraries, museums, local Meetups or FB groups, just absolutely nothing. If you’re truly that far out in bumfuck nowhere then you’re going to have to move to interact with fellow humans or else sort through the trash on dating apps.

Honestly though if you have no interest in absolutely any hobbies, no money, no friends and are feeling this down on yourself simply because meeting people takes effort, you have bigger issues than dating and should probably address those things first.

No. 204229

you're stating very western things that just don't exist here lol. i live in the balkans. people just don't organise stuff like that here, idk what you want me to tell you.

No. 204230

Yes we do.

No. 204231

k i'm not gonna dox myself, you probably live in one of the bigger more developed countries. surely i know what i am talking about.

No. 204234

File: 1630804314640.jpg (34.71 KB, 500x378, E98LkMMXMAY4WAt.jpg)

thank you nonnie you're sooo soo kind ily, i feel uncomfortable saying i'm "pretty" or "attractive" because i'm an insecure person in general so saying that