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>>272484>since there is a chance I'll want kids later, I'm not sure if it's smart to continue a relationship with someone who isn't interested in the idea.
But anon you could be dating a guy who's on the fence like you and still end up mismatching in 5-10 years because you decided you want them and he decided he doesn't. Or you could be dating someone who definitely wants them and end up mismatching because you end up deciding you don't want kids after all.
Normally I'd 100% agree with absolutely not dating someone you know who has a different wish regarding kids from you but what are you gonna do if you don't know what you want yet? Not date for 5-10 years until you finally do? I mean I guess it's an option but who wants that.
Personally, if you know you're learning towards not having kids I'd take the goddamn risk and date the man (if he still wants to date you knowing you're undecided). There's no way of planning for something you haven't made up your mind up about so you might as well take the risk. Or not if that's not worth it to you.
Let's be real, most women eventually want kids. Even the once who say they for sure don't want any ever in their early 20s change their tune in their 30s. Someone who is "unsure" and already thinking about it this way will eventually want them. It's better to find a guy who wants kids too.
In my personal opinion it's also a huge red flag if a guy doesn't want kids. It's like he's admitting that he wants no responsibility ever and is probably a hedonist who will try to find his "fulfillment" in other ways. Usually by partying forever and never growing up.
>>272514>Let's be real, most women eventually want kids.
I find it curious you say that when fewer women want kids as we gain rights, education and financial independence. This is an actual statistic trend if not downright considered a "problem" in developed countries. Maybe 60 years ago it was true but I don't think it goes without saying that a woman will eventually want kids in the year 2022 whatsoever.
>In my personal opinion it's also a huge red flag if a guy doesn't want kids. It's like he's admitting that he wants no responsibility ever and is probably a hedonist who will try to find his "fulfillment" in other ways. Usually by partying forever and never growing up.
I know we hate men here but you're making big assumptions on the characters of all men who don't want kids based on that one factor completely disregarding any consideration a man might have for not wanting kids and their levels of responsibility and maturity in other aspects of their lives.
How is this relevant anyway? Even if true, what does it matter that "all men who don't want kids are irresponsible party beasts" if she decides she doesn't want kids 10 years from now?
How old are you? Most relationships have an expiration date anyway, 5 years is already a long time, I'd suggest you have fun with the guy and see later if you still want kids and if he hasn't changed his mind, it's not like you'll never be able to find another man after him.>>272514>In my personal opinion it's also a huge red flag if a guy doesn't want kids. It's like he's admitting that he wants no responsibility ever and is probably a hedonist who will try to find his "fulfillment" in other ways. Usually by partying forever and never growing up.
That doesn't make sense, should women who don't want children swear off dating then? Also I've met a lot of guys who don't want children and they don't party much or even at all, if anything it's the fuckboys in their 20s who decide to settle down in their 30s because that's expected of them.
I don't discuss parenthood with many males but my anecdotal personal experience with this subject is closer to >>272527
example, self obsessed fuckboys that think their DNA is so important to spread are the ones who early on say they want to have children. Having that bias for me personally eagerness for fatherhood is more of a red flag than a cautious approach, considering how much responsibility and challenge it is to raise and provide for a child well.
I'm 24, he's 26. You're right, I should focus on fun instead of the far future. My fear was just if we do have a long term situation and this becomes an issue, I don't want to feel like a fool since he let me know his expectations from the beginning. I know I don't want kids in my twenties but kinda worry I'll change my mind in my thirties like >>272514
This put things in perspective, thanks nonnies. I'm stressing out over one "what if" when there's many other "what if"s to consider, it's better for me to wait a little longer until I'm more concrete on what I want.
If this helps with "dudes not wanting kids" debate: the issue doesn't seem to be immaturity. He's very responsible, has a good job, a nice house and car, takes care of himself, doesn't drink or party, etc. Based on what he's told me he just doesn't see himself being a good father and has issues with his own father that prevents him from desiring kids. So he'd rather enjoy the freedom of a kid-free life than worry about the struggles of parenting.
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you have no experience with females because we can smell your autism
now kill yourself
The reasons birthrates are going down are economical, not because women suddenly stopped wanting to have kids. It's because the cost of living is so enormous that a lot of people can not afford childcare and have to work two jobs just to pay for their expensive apartments in the city.
Idk what to do about the dilemma of finding a man if you don't want kids, I stand by my point that most men who don't want kids are hedonists and just don't want them because they are selfish and don't want to share the attention of their girlfriend with anyone, don't want responsibility and want to spend all their money on their own hobbies. Good luck I guess. >>272518>I'm 30 and this definitely is not a true statement for majority of my friends around my age.
Sorry but someone who uses lolcow.farm is probably not representative of the majority of the population since most people here are NEETs and not normies
I just want to say that I think it's really cute how >>272723
anon says women in their 30s are "barely out of their diapers", feels like I'm talking with a slightly bitter but still loving grandma
>>272754>I think if he picked up working out or fashion/styling himself or anything that showed he gives a shit about his appearance or made him more appealing I'd like it but he doesn't
Why does he not care to go to the gym if he's self-concious about his looks as you said? He can't change his face but a fit, attractive body is a choice, he can built and sculpt it as desired and it'd undoubtly help a lot in the confidence/sexual energy department. I think you're going to need to have a serious conversation with him about picking up a gym habit if you haven't already.
Also there's male fashion/styling channels, maybe you can send him some of those so he can watch and learn without you needing to spell it out for him word for word (just watch out for the ones that lean pick up-artisty). It's kinda.. mommying.. him which is far from ideal but you've already been doing that anyway so it's an option to consider.>>272757
I've been thinking about this recently, I think it's because attractive women far outnumber attractive men because of the wack out of balance beauty standards so a lot of women are bound to end up with ugly men if they insist on having a partner. You can even see this in hollywood with women who've got all the desired beauty and money will still end up with ugly moids one after another.
Let him kill himself. Emotional manipulator bitch ass moid>>272799>>272766>>272767>>272760
In my case before the relationship got mundane after we moved in together and I was exposed to his flaws and having to mommy him sometimes, I could see past his physical appearance and was madly attracted to him based on personality alone, and some idolized version of him I had in my head… Now that everything is mundane and dull I end up getting these hang ups over appearance and lack of "sexual energy" and I can see that he's very ugly, has always been, and I knew it. I just choose to ignore it because the ugliness was obscured by other things. I won't break up though because I like his companionship, we also have a business together so (I built it but he works with me and helps a lot) it's not easy. He's just not getting any pussy or girlfriend type of affection from me, we're like friends living together as of right now… I'll wait until he gets tired of the situation and wants to move out I guess. He's not seeing anybody else either because he's stuck in the house with me. It's truly a sad situation but I can't ever see my attraction to him rekindling again unless he spontaneously changes
The worst thing I've ever done. Ever. I want to cry.
My bf and i had drunk sex, condom was a non latex brand we'd never tried before, it was painful for me and not staying on properly- and so, stupidly we took it off and continued. I told him I'd take the morning after pill.
I went to get the pill, he came with me, the pharmacist was lovely but when i got the pill i didn't swallow it, i was so scared and negative abortion guilt was playing on my mind (I'm pro choice but i couldn't do it myself). I let it dissolve on my tongue, swallowed it somewhat and then spat some out onto a tissue. My boyfriend doesn't know, he cuddled me because i told him i felt guilty, told me he trusted me and he's been lovely since. I feel so awful, now I'm out of that situation i have no idea what panicked me so much but i also know i was reluctant to go in some ways, i told him it was closed when i knew it wasn't because i wanted to put it off. Its weird because i DO NOT WANT A BABY! I'm scheduled for a coil, I'm terrified of the idea of raising a kid, my boyfriend doesn't want a kid…. And yet i did this. I feel so much guilt. I'm scared to go back to the pharmacist and ask for a new one too, I'm considering making myself vomit, presenting it to my bf and saying "oh no guess we'll go back for a new one!" But that gives me more anxiety since i specifically asked the pharmacist what happens if you throw up, so I'm worried of looking suspicious
Disagree, the morning after pill has horrible side effects even if you take just one dose. That's probably why the pharmacy denied her a second one. Even if she just dissolved it on her tongue for a while, plenty of it would have been absorbed already. Taking a double dose will probably wreak absolute havoc on the body.
I really don't understand why people take plan b so casually while not understanding the impact it has at all. I regret taking it in the past knowing the incredibly small chance there ever was of me actually getting pregnant. If you know what day of your cycle you are at then you should know the chances of getting pregnant. There is only a small 3 day window in which you can get pregnant every month. If you had sex after you already ovulated then it DOESNT EVEN WORK.
Plan b is not candy and you shouldn't take it unless you know that your ovulation is for sure coming up within the next couple of days.
Yes, most plan b pills don't work on people who are heavier than 75kg. They also don't work if you already ovulated. It is also pointless to take it if your ovulation is nowhere close to happening (within the first two weeks of your cycle). There is only a very small window in which taking plan b makes sense.
Most women on this site are against taking hormonal birth control because of the side effects it has on our bodies, but see no issue with taking plan b, which is effectively like swallowing 100 birth control pills at once. Side effects from it can last a month or longer. Compared to the relatively small chance of it having any affect on you it is really not worth it. I'd only take it if I was raped.
Pay attention to your cycles and you will never be in this situation nonnies because you will know what your chances of getting pregnant are depending on what day in your cycle you are on. Even if you have unprotected sex on al 4 fertile days around ovulation your chance of getting pregnant is still only 30%.
when he's sleeping then
was my thought too but like >>273086
said, it's possible there's something worse behind it.
What did he say when you asked him what the contact is for? Like surely he didn't hide his phone and walked away saying nothing? Have you pressed him for answers?
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Well well well, deleting your post after I asked if you are Sriracha and Ripple? Quite sussy indeed.
(it's especially funny since they are both men, as Sriracha is a tranny)
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What the hell is going on in this thread, am I missing something?
I also think this >>273198
is what happened. Don't take it personally.
My boyfriend constantly wants me to screenshare games to him when we're apart (distance only allows us to meet biweekly). I've explained to him that A, I'm not all that into video games anymore (spent too much time of my life being highly unproductive) B, when I do play games, it's to relax. Streaming a game, even to the audience of 1 is not relaxing to me, because it feels like a performance and like I can't progress at my own pace. Yet he keeps buying me games and asking me to stream it to him. The problem is there isn't a lot we can do while we're apart anyway, we watch TV series and talk otherwise, but lately whenever we have a planned hang out he starts saying how I should play X or Y game for him. I feel like I'm stuck in a dead bedroom situation, except it's not sex, it's video games. And no, sadly we're not underage.
He's normal and lovely when we just talk unplanned and in-person.
The thing is, it's not something we really "do" together. I play and try to vocalize my thoughts out loud for it not to be boring, while he doesn't speak much, and only when he thinks I'm stuck on something. It's a very one-sided thing. He apparently doesn't talk much because he doesn't want to throw me off and is interested in my gameplay, but I feel like a TV station he just turned on. And I did express this, but he says I should just relax.
I'd like to play multiplayer games actually, but he dislikes those.
oh i see now. he just wants to watch you play like you're some sort of twitch streamer?>he dislikes those
the whole point of having a bf that likes video games is to play games TOGETHER with him. why doesn't he wanna play something together?
Well, he either watches you play the games you like or he doesn't watch at all. You're not his personal entertainment. You'd already be making a concession by streaming for him in the first place when you'd rather not be watched, so he at least has to let you choose the games you want.
I kinda have a similar problem. My bf wants to watch me play games, but I mostly like JRPGs while he wants me to play western games or more mainstream stuff. He always suggests shit I don't want to play, so I don't stream for him at all.
True, I just didn't want to voice definitive statements like that, because I thought that after me expressing my discomfort with this time after time, he'd stop. But no, it's like a stuck casette tape, he suggests the same program every time, even if I explain it more and more in-depth.>>273256
I doubt that, I think he is just genuinely excited that someone shows interests in the kinda niche games he likes. Only he does not seem to understand that streaming is not fun for me.
Thank you for the inputs!
Maybe I'm the odd one out but I do this with my bf sometimes. I wouldn't personally compare it to a Twitch streamer because for me (could be the same for your boyfriend, or not) it's comforting and nostalgic to simply watch someone you love play something.
The bigger redflag imo is that he doesn't seem to care or respect that it isn't something you're interested in. He needs to learn how to compromise and accept that streaming isn't something you want to do constantly.
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I want to ask about my sister…
She is 24 now. She is my younger sister. She is overweight, confidence issues, seriously basic (binge watches SVU, Grey's Anatomy, Marvel films on repeat - that's the extent of her interests), single, I would guess maybe a virgin, and just generally a bit of a loser. The thing is I'm not being mean I'm just trying to paint a stark picture of what are the facts.
She is annoying me. She constantly seeks validation from everyone in our family from siblings, cousins, parents, grandparents etc. Everyone is always rooting for her to get her shit together and really live a wonderful life but the fact is she is just lazy. She is so lazy. Recently she moved to the city here with me so she could start a new life and I was really proud of her because it was off the back of exercise and socialising and it looked like she was having her late blooming moment. She moved with this girl she knows and now all the do is sit in their tiny apartment and order Uber eats 3 times a day and eat ice-cream and watch Netflix non-stop. I'm so angry at her. She has everyone always on this journey of self improvement trying to make a movie out of her life saying I'M GUNNA DO THIS! and everyone tries so hard to encourage her but she just never follows through…
She complains she hates her job, she complains she can't get a boyfriend, she complains she's gaining weight. I always tell her well if you want change you have to work for it. She literally can't hear it. She starts telling me I'm being overly critical and judgemental but I'm just fucking sick of it. I used to sit with her when she was in high school and do her maths problems with her one by one because she needed help and it's now like 8 years later and she has not gained a single skill or level of confidence or independence and I'm really frustrated because the fact is it's because she has never once been willing to challenge herself. She just won't do it. She doesn't like the feeling, challenge is hard so she won't do it and so she never changes.
I went over to her apartment after I tried recently to invite her out for drinks, she wanted to go home after like 1 hour. They have dishes piled up, the place stinks, her stupid friend who is worse than her was just stuck to the couch. My sister immediately gets in the oldest t shirt she has and a pair of pyjama pants with stains all over them, like, I don't know, I understand we're family but you know as you get older you just have a general sense that you should stand on a bit of ceremony when you have company you know? So then she tells a story about how she went into the building hall recently in her pyjamas and a cute boy saw her and how disgusting and gross she felt and I was supposed to feel bad for her but I thought… Well yes you fucking should have. Why on earth do you have to be so drab and gross all the time? What's stopping you from just buying a cute pair of pyjamas and lifting your own self image just a little bit so at least you can feel good in your own skin/clothes if god forbid another human ever happens to lay eyes on you. I'm just so sad about it lately. She's my younger sister and I want to support her but she is so boring and entitled and unproductive and I don't think she will ever change at this point.
I know I literally sound retarded because I'm phone posting and I'm tired but ffs. I don't know what to do with her.
yeah I've dated guys 18-21 and they were actually kinder, more open and understanding than guys 23+. It's like they haven't become jaded and cruel yet.
old men are disgusting, I can't bring myself to date a wrinkled moid with a poor hairline just because he's "age appropriate". Imagine looking old at 25 too. Men truly age like milk.
Right? I'm not the crazy one for seeing it that way. Honestly think that my friends probably noticed this already and has opinions on it. I feel embarassed.>>273463
I mean, I'd rather him not interact with posts like that. It makes me feel like a cuck.
My boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore. I can see it in his eyes, he forces himself to feel something for me but it’s just not there. Every time I see how he looks at me, I feel like dying inside. He compliments me a lot, tells me that I am beautiful, I am talented, but love isn’t there. He’s more and more distant, disinterested and cold despite his attempts at being warm and caring. I don’t know what to do. I have no place where to go, I can’t leave this apartment, I have no savings to rent a place of my own and I’d commit suicide going back to my mom’s place, my only family left. I am dying inside so much, there is not a single day I don’t spend crying. And no, going to live with another friend is not a possibility. I don’t know what to do…
Agree with >>273495
the fact that he's following them in the first place is the bigger issue. Even if he took your instruction and just unfollowed them all it doesn't change the disrespect of him just not taking that initiative himself as soon as he was in a relationship.
I don't even like the thought of dating someone who follows alot of those accounts in advance of dating either. I met a guy lately, took a liking to him but my gut told he's like that.. checked and he basically only follows the ugliest looking guys and yet all the hottest women on earth are in there. It turned me right off. The sheer number of them was what freaked me out. I dropped any ideas I had about dating him.
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Men say we have it ez because any guy will fuck us when all we have left are guys like this lmao
She's upset be abuse he didn't compliment her and was more like meh
towards the selfie she sent (bad sign). He's either negging or doesn't really like her appearance, yet he is still going on a date with her, lol.
My boyfriend is schizoid and doesn't like emotional situations/needs a lot of time to himself but lately he doesn't even do the bare minimum of effort. He used to call me codependent but now I give him all the space he wants, I'm doing my own things, I don't complain about him not being affectionate and a bunch of other things I used to get upset about. Still, the last time we had a minor conflict he just didn't talk to me for two days. A friend of mine has covid right now, an d I told my boyfriend that she just said it got worse and he just said "good luck" and went to sleep. I really don't know what I did to deserve this sudden onset of assholery. He just does mean shit like, we were watching a show and were on the last couple of episodes and I said I didn't want to finish the show, but obviously meaning that I was sad that it was over, and he was just like "just tell me if you're not going to watch it so I can watch it on my own, and we can both have what we want."
He used to call me BPD for expressing my emotions, but since then I did my best to suppress any normal need for affection or communication. I said nothing when he ignored me for days. Whenever I say anything slightly negative about his behavior I feel like I'm being punished for it for days. But after years of trauma bonding and him reminding me of my early relationship with my mom I just find it so hard to leave. It just reminds me how I used to wake up and walk into the other room never knowing if my mom was going to hate me that day for some unpredictable reason. I asked him in the past to tell me if he wants to be completely left alone so I don't bother him and receive this treatment, but of course he just got offended by suggesting this extreme amount of communication.
I thought about getting to know other people, but I don't feel like it because men always end up being so gross. My first boyfriend who was "nice" ended up cheating on me a bunch of times. My other ex laughed at me for my hobbies and called me out for wearing pants when I walked him to the train station because I didn't want to be harassed on the way back, but he wanted me to wear skirts. The third one I talked to about my current boyfriend keeps suggesting that I move in with him because he thinks I need someone who is controlling but occasionally nice. I'm so sick of it, as if I wanted to move in with an abusive asshole, sure. I don't want to list all my bad experiences with men but there are a shitload more. Just don't know what to do because I still have a need to feel cared for even if I'm pretty withdrawn by default.
>>273431>Ime dating younger leads to dealing with flakey young guys who lack resilience as soon as any issue pops up.
older men and younger men only differ in what issues they bring to the table & degrees of the same issues. you might as well go with the hotter option, that's really the only difference especially with how being a stunted adult is almost the norm nowadays particularly for men
i'm a year older than the op and also have no desire for a serious relationship rn. i'm having a casual thing with a 21 year old guy just because he's easily the most attractive man in my immediate area that i found on tinder. i was fucking shocked at how "men my age" both look so busted you'd think they're actually in their 40s and gaming the settings to go after young women and, at the same time, still have the interests of teenagers. so live it up, plenty of mid/late 20s guys date early 20s girls and no one thinks it's abnormal.
yeah I'm the original anon and men around 25 started looking really busted kek
the most loyal boy I dated was 18 (I was 21, so not that weird, but still). at that age they also fall in love faster and are willing to do anything for you. older men are just as immature, but jaded, cruel, and ugly.
I dunno what I'll do when I turn 30 and can't date as young anymore bc old men have zero appeal to me, personality or appearance-wise.
I'm not schizoid but I've dealt with mental health shit before where I just wasn't in any state to really be commiting to a relationship. The illness wasn't likely to make a healthy relationship possible for me. I lived in denial, eventually got dumped, felt sorry for myself because 'but I can't help it' After alot of reflection I can see it for what it was now. Some people with mental health disorders can't give their partner what they need. They can't meet the minimum requiremants of what a relationship needs in order to thrive. It doesn't sound like this is a relationship tbh. Much as people hate to hear this in current year.. some mentally ill people just shouldn't date if they can't communicate or connect. >He used to call me BPD for expressing my emotions
And for him to twist it around like this is pigheaded behaviour. It takes a eggshell walking saint to date an emotionally unavailable person and this is the thanks you get. The least he could do is not take his issues out on you or twist things around to make out like you're abnormal. There's better options out there anon.. this isn't what love should feel like. Even if your previous ex was even worse this still isn't it.
Here's some relationship advice for anyone reading this: never ever ever do an LDR (unless special circumstances apply, like you're already planning to move there, it's a temporary situation, the "long distance" is just neighboring cities etc.)
I ended one just last week and the most painful thing is it probably took a deep, precious friendship of 3 years down with it. No one really did anything wrong but we both found the LDR experience so miserable that it might be just too painful to talk to each other anymore, at least for a long time. We also both realized that it was mainly our Issues that drove us to be "together" as we couldn't connect with the people actually living around us. Gradually getting better at that, finding people I click with and having to turn them down all for some mirage of possibly at some point getting together in real life with my LDR boyfriend definitely caused some resentment too even though I know it's my own fault. I suggested the possibility of being physical with other people while we're apart but he was completely against it which is when I really should have ended things. There's no point in being "exclusive" if you aren't even physically together most of the time. Seriously, I know this thread isn't for that but the whole thing sucks shit, if you're considering an LDR, you should probably instead consider why you aren't catching any fish in the local sea instead.
Sorry, really needed to get this out somewhere since so many people are making this mistake these days.
I'd love it if he wanted to meet once a month, rip. But he lives abroad, which would be fine, but he's also working on a game right now and doesn't want to be distracted, even for a couple of days and said it will take a few of months to finish, and after that I can "probably" visit. But I haven't seen him in person for a really long time.
I don't like a lot of compliments, I don't like romantic things at all, I just want him to be nice sometimes. And sometimes he is, but it's so rare lately. I've actually been fairly avoidant in my other relationships, and I can get pretty distracted doing things alone, but the way he is makes me feel very disposable which makes me want a bit more reassurance than I would otherwise, which wouldn't be a lot either. He used to say stuff like he cares but now it's guaranteed he'll get offended if I ask about it. But I think it damaged how I see normal relationships, I'm now weirded out by the idea of someone being affectionate with me, and I wouldn't like it if someone made it obvious that they wanted to be with me. I was always very withdrawn but I used to want more normal things, now I feel like I have a mental block about it. It's extremely hard for me to become attached to a real person, he is the first one and before him I only had crushes from a safe distance on unattainable people.
Just an fyi nonna cuz I got the impression from your post: schizoid != schizo. They are the very opposite of emotional vampires or people who need you as a therapist. But they are neglectful and cold and cause their own issues from that alone.
And there's no really getting better from it without them sacrificing their core selves.
I thought a lot about the BPD thing recently and I just find it really hurtful looking back. I've always been told that I'm too emotionally withdrawn, I think I'm generally really calm. Every time I tried to express some issue to him there was a reason behind it, and I tried to just communicate, I never yelled or insulted him. He thinks BPD is threatening suicide and becoming stalkerish, but when at one point we got close to breaking up and he didn't talk to me for about two weeks, I left him alone and just tried to move on even though I never felt that sad before. He kept talking about how he didn't want me to hurt myself, but I never did or indicated wanting to, one of his exes did that but not me, and never felt like it either. I never threatened him with anything, I know he is extremely paranoid, like way beyond normal, I never tried to use that against him. I don't have mood swings, didn't have dramatic relationships, don't really do anything spontaneously, don't do reckless things at all, I don't know wtf is so BPD about me other than not being completely emotionally numb. The only thing I can think of is having some abandonment issues which only came out with him because he would punish me with no contact and always react to any perceived conflict by not talking to me, which might be harder on me than on other people, but I doubt anyone else would've felt neutrally about it. And he always said I'll start splitting on him when that never happened, I always felt like I cared about him even if I was sad, I don't think I ever split on anyone. He did some awful emotionally damaging shit to me and when I felt upset about it I began to think I was being difficult and BPD. I just don't get it. I made a huge effort to become more independent and I genuinely require less attention now, now his "you're codep" reasoning doesn't hold up either, now he's just bothered if I dare to assign any importance to him in my life, he gets upset that I want to visit because he is busy and I should just "take no for an answer" (because it's apparently super invasive to his privacy that I asked why he doesn't want to meet), I think most women would wisely not put up with this.
Yeah my ex was like that. He had ADHD, it gave him a lot of confidence but he was super sensitive to rejection, or perceived rejection.
Men don't respond well to conversations. The way to increase his confidence is subtle good comments/praise about things he does, almost rewarding him like a pavlovian experiment.
I wish it didn’t take being in an abusive
relationship for me to realize I should never have given men the time of day in general. I look back on my life and wish I would’ve just been happy and content with being alone. All this time, I’ve HAD to have a man there. Why? I think because it’s been drilled into my head all my life that women who are single aren’t happy deep down. They’re pitiful, they can’t do everything on their own. It’s so hard breaking this conditioning. When I find out a woman I know is single, I STILL feel bad for her, when I should be jealous. Fuck growing up as a girl in this world.
I've been single the entirety of my 20s and it seems insane that anyone would pity me for it when my life is so stress free and good, it's honestly the only thing that upsets me about being single.
Hopefully it's obvious that I'm happy and if I wanted a bf I could get one. I'm not gonna let other people's opinions force me into doing something I don't want to do, but it's still hurtful to think people assume I'm sad or desperate when I give no indication that I am.
My fiance lied to me, and I feel like saying something about it but I'm not sure if I'm reading too far into it. We were not planning on having a wedding ceremony because I don't want one, the idea of a party where I have to be the center of attention stresses me out among other reasons and we agreed that we'd just get married at the courthouse and spend the money we would use toward a wedding to have a really nice honeymoon instead. Well we went to our favorite music festival this year, and they have a chapel where people can get married there. Right before the trip he randomly brings up that he had inquired about having our wedding at the chapel, but they told him they stopped doing weddings there in 2018, the last time we went there. No big deal to me because I don't want to deal with a wedding anyway especially when I'm trying to have fun on vacation. But we get to the festival, and I could have sworn I saw a couple getting married there. I think maybe they're just characters for the festival, because they have a bunch of actors there doing shenanigans. But then I overheard some of our neighbors planning a surprise wedding at the chapel who sound suspiciously like the guys in our camping group. They never mention the name of the bride and groom, and they mention the bride's proposal was supposed to be at the festival in 2020 that got cancelled (my fiance had told me he had planned the same thing). So now I'm freaking out that he has planned a fucking wedding in secret and I'm going to have photos of me in dirty wook mode immortalized as my wedding photos. Thankfully it never came to be, so I assumed it was a weird drug-fueled nightmare or that our neighbors just coincidentally sound like our campmates. But then I come home and see all kinds of posts from real couples who actually got married at the chapel this year. The chapel my fiance told me doesn't do weddings anymore. Not that they don't have availability, that they straight up stopped doing weddings. Let me remind you that I DON'T want a wedding and have been very explicit in telling everyone that I don't want one. So now I'm wondering, what the hell was the point of lying to me about it? I'm a very paranoid person and the fact that he's lied to me feels like a huge red flag, but I'm worried if I bring it up I'm going to end up getting pressured into having a wedding, because why would it bother me if I didn't want one? But I don't want one, I just don't want a partner who lies to me! Do you think it's possible that someone gave him wrong information? Or do you see this as a warning sign?
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I could've written this myself nona, but I've reached the point where I don't pity myself or others for being single. I truly believe single women are living the good life and I'm sure you'll get there the longer you have time away from relationships. I hate
that I wasted so many years on men that actively dragged me into the mud, but better a trial by fire than living in ignorance. I'm still young and since I've been focusing on myself I've been so much happier and actually accomplishing things. Goals I had thrown to the wayside for the sake of pathetic leeches. It makes me sick to think of how poorly I allowed myself to be treated, but I'm so proud of my progress and excited for the many other things I'll accomplish moving forward.
It takes time. I know everyone says that but it's true and I hope you keep the faith. Believe in yourself, prioritize yourself, and slowly you will start loving yourself to the point you barely even think about the fact you don't have a man in your life. Being free from that mental chokehold is freeing and empowering as fuck. Look forward to it.
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I stopped talking to a former friend because of the combination of his constant emotional manipulation (criticism of my actions, guilt tripping, etc.) + him catching feelings for me. He recently reached out to me again saying that he started therapy and medications and would like to talk and explain himself. After I told him off for the last time a few months ago I have kept silent but he keeps trying to reach out. Another mutual friend who had also broken off with him is also rekindling their friendship. I am tempted to hear out my former friend because I miss the good times in our platonic friendship and deep down I hope he has really changed. Anons, should I give him another chance?
>>273978>people crave touch
Not everyone does.>attention
Maybe, but they can have that need satisfied through friends.
I'm one of those people who needs a loving, passionate relationship to be at my happiest but I can recognize not everyone wants that. I also love being on my own and can be satisfied in the moment with that, but to me nothing beats having a partner who is compatible with you in every way and loves you more than anything. However, I'd rather be content on my own that be with someone who isn't absolutely perfect for me in every way, so for most of my life I've been single.
I've been single all my life and I'm 24, so I'm used to it and I LOVE my personal space, I love living alone and doing whatever I want whenever I want, without worrying if it's affecting a partner.
I do crave emotional connection and physical touch though. I have flings and short relationships but I simply cannot see how I'll ever bear living with someone and working around them. It's piss me off eventually. I don't want kids either so idk lol. I wish I could forever live in the beginning stages of a relationship, where we live apart and have our own lives but meeting each other is still exciting and passionate.
It's still normal for me to be single, but I'm not looking forward to people shitting on me in my late 20s and beyond for not being married and pregnant as if it's the highest achievement and brings any sort of joy.
I've had short term relationships. By "been single all my life" I mean 99.99% of the time I'm single.
I don't know if I'll be happier in one. I just love being alone lol. I love being alone but having the option to go to a friend's or guy's house, then go back to mine alone when it gets too much.
Anon said happier not happy.
I think she sort of has a point- it's true you can't know for certain you wouldn't be happier in a relationship than you already are perma-single but finding a fulfilling, quality, healthy relationship is a tough quest. Most people go through multiple relationships and heartbreak before settling for one for life. Why go through that for the chance to maybe be a bit happier when you're already satisfied and happy with single life? I wish I didn't desire companionship so much because damn relationships have brought me a lot of negative emotions and experiences.
I was responding to an anon talking about struggling to find comfort in being single after experiencing abusive
relationships, hence the connection to the relationship thread. There's a difference between finding happiness in being alone having never experienced a relationship and in finding it after dealing with heartbreak/thinking you "need" men. >>273956
Not sure how or why you're getting that from my post, but I am indeed happy. I wish the same for you. >>273950 >>273957
>>274011>Why can’t you change your boyfriend every 10 years as you enter a new stage in life and why isn’t it seen as a normal thing but being unstable?
Because you grow attached and it's easier and better for you mentally to stick with one person (assuming you're a good match). It's like asking why don't you change your family members.
>if we wouldn’t age and we all stayed young forever, how many people do you think would still choose to marry out of love and not out of necesity and pressure to be “paired up” before a certain age?
I'm sure a lot of people settle, but I'd rather gut myself than marry out of some perceived necessity. What fucking necessity, I'm not settling and bearing some idiot just because my mom or dad called me an old maiden
Early 30s couple, f/f
My gf has a phobia of vomiting and as a result is extremely paranoid about food safety, even more than the average Burger. I'm from a place where food poisoning is much rarer than it is in North America but somehow I'm too lax about how long I keep things in the fridge for her. This causes friction because she always questions the safety of the food I make even though I've never given anybody food poisoning, ever. I don't actually keep things in the fridge for too long, I have a thermometer to probe meat when I cook, I clean vegetables way better than she does even, etc. Even when she doesn't say anything negative and eats, I catch her furtively googling some FDA suggestion based on the assumption that people are retarded and live in a pig sty. It's so hard to reason with her, especially since she keeps believing whatever the older people around her claim and I can't reason whatsoever. Once I had to debate her on whether she can eat cinnamon that isn't one specific brand because she read some clickbait about cinnamon toxicity based on some bs study where they made rodents ingest an impossible amount or some shit like that, idr exactly. I spent like an hour explaining to her that you need to look things up and see what the studies actually say, whether the studies are well-conducted and the backgrounds of the people that ran it etc…
Mostly I want to just tell her to fuck off and cook her own food then but she doesn't like to cook, doesn't eat a lot, etc so she's literally got malnutrition as determined by her doctor. I was cooking for us as a way to make sure she gets her daily macros in (and me too, helps keep me motivated not to order in) but it's starting to annoy me. Even if I don't cook she's obsessed with how long yogurt has been in the fridge, for instance. Do I need to just let her starve herself and waste food that is safe to eat? I love her so I want the food thing to work but I can't keep getting mad either. I feel like we do a lot for each other and are generally patient but the food thing is so extremely annoying to me. Feeling like an asshole typing this stuff up rn, I'm really trying hard to be more patient…
She has an eating disorder. Atypical anorexia.
Not all anorexia sufferers are scared of gaining weight, some types are scared of food itself, of choking on it or bring poisoned by it or similar.
She needs professional help.
I agree with the other anons, that sounds like an eating disorder, especially with her being diagnosed with malnourishment. If she was just ignorant about food safety, I’d say you guys could take a food safety class together, but it doesn’t sound like accurate information is really going to change her mind about not eating, more like she is looking for reasons not
to eat. I think you should encourage her to get help.
It's so obvious that a lot of you come from broken homes and have never even seen someone have a happy marriage. Not that I blame you for that, but you shouldn't shit on everyone else just because your parents are divorced and you are jaded about men.
I've been very fortunate to watch my parents model what a relationship should be like for me, they have been together for 35 years and are still in love, still happy and absolutely devoted to each other. They are totally adorable together, my dad still buys my mom flowers and they still kiss and hug all the time and you can just tell that they are soulmates. When one of them comes home from a rough day the other catches them and comforts them, they have been through so much together (poverty and family tragedies) and always stuck by each other. My mom would laugh her ass off if I were to read her your comment about women being only breeding machines and slaves to husbands.
It's absolutely worth trying to find "your person" to be your partner in life and to share your burdens with you.
au contraire, anon. my parents had the best, most loving relationship. it was so good and I was so sheltered by it, that I didn’t realize an abusive
man before I got into a relationship with him. I didn’t know what red flags were or even that men were very commonly horrible to their significant other. I thought the vast majority of relationships were like the one my parents had with each other and that I was simply part of an unlucky few. I had to find out the hard way, multiple times, that was far from the truth. I’m grateful for social media now teaching younger women and girls now about how to recognize an abusive
man BEFORE they entangle themselves with him (as their mother’s may have done unknowingly.) I’m not sure if this is exactly a straight response to your post, but it’s my experience, anyway. blinded by the real examples of a good marriage and society’s “true love” narrative, I do feel like I lived in a fantasy world until I reached dating age and found out it was all an illusion.
My mother taught me what to look out for in men and what red flags are. I've also always had my dad as a great rolemodel as to how a man should act so all the men I have dated kind of had to "live up" to that in a way. I have never been in an abusive
relationship because I know what I deserve.
>>274101>I have never been in an abusive relationship because I know what I deserve
This sounds a bit simplistic (and kinda victim
blaming) though, what if the guy doesn't exhibit any red flag at first and waits for a while (like the wedding or the first child) before revealing his true colors?
it's not victim
blaming if you're just a dumb bitch or mentally ill (mentally ill people are roped into abusive
relationships more than anyone else, regular people don't need the advice or opinions of the mentally ill). can this thread go back to being relationship advice and not copium about needing no man…
You are right. A lot of mothers don't teach their daughters what to look out for, because they themselves never figured it out or were never taught by their own parents. A lot of people are just not ready to be parents, and they don't properly prepare their children for this world.>I've also always had my dad as a great rolemodel as to how a man should act
This is the way. On the flip side, I recognized how emotionally abusive
and horrible my dad was to both my mother and me, so he indirectly taught me what to avoid. This sounds like a cope, it's actually been pretty helpful because I have absolutely no tolerance for emotionally stunted and/or emotionally abusive
Hi anons, I have an excellent Nigel. He does everything for me - cooking, cleaning, makes me lunch for work, etc. and he really loves me.
I have BPD and don't engage in any of the extreme behaviors anymore. I just cry if I'm really upset, for instance. I don't know how to deal with the fact he critiques my thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. I use those terms specifically because sometimes it hurts me quite a lot and if I say he is talking about my character, he claims he isn't because it's about one of the three terms mentioned above. The thing is, I do feel like to a point those things can indicate character.
Anyway, I accept his critiques and try to work on them because I know I have a lot of issues. The thing is, it is getting overwhelming how many issues I have and it's tanking how I feel about myself. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to stop telling me the truth about me, but I also wish I didn't feel like I'm a failure at the relationship or that he hates me or looks down on me when he doesn't, according to him.
I'm the sole issue in the relationship and while it sucks, it is true and I don't know how to deal with it emotionally. I'm literally with Mr. Perfect and I feel guilty it weighs down on me. We do everything together, showering, brushing teeth together, playing video games, cooking, etc. so we are very close. I just feel on a daily basis I don't deserve him and it is messing with me a lot. I don't understand why he doesn't go to a woman who is all the things I am, as they aren't hard to find, but with a stable background.
Sometimes I feel like maybe he enjoys the fact he knows he is better than me, but I also think that could be my BPD paranoia speaking.
I just don't understand why a catch like him is with me when I have so many issues. It is true I work on them and correct them, but secretly, I wish I could one day just not have issues the way he does and be okay as I am. However, I feel like that fantasy is wrong because we are all human and we make mistakes and wrong decisions.
I really don't know how to cope with this. Advice is greatly appreciated
Basically, how do I cope with being the problem in a relationship? I feel stupid telling him how sad and awful I feel for being, well, not as good of a partner or person as I could.
Examples of my issues because i don't think I'm being gaslit:
I have had minor issues with putting things away after work the way he wants them to be put away. He's very picky with household routines. So I am correcting that.
>Not taking criticism well
I don't take criticism well. I'm not sure how because I take it to heart, but I think it is because it makes me so depressed so it's not a good experience for him giving me criticism. I always admit he is right, but maybe the admittance doesn't mean much because i act so hurt. I need to get a better hold on myself, basically
>Thoughts, Desires, Behaviors
Ones that negatively affect us. A major one is my thoughts on sex. I'm obsessive about sex. If we don't have sex for 2 days I get genuinely depressed and I feel unwanted. This gets on his nerves because the 2 days we won't have sex will be because we were both ultra tired or whatever. It has nothing to do with me, yet I always turn it into something about me if it is related to sex frequency. this is very difficult for me to change because since I was a kid, I wanted to be in a relationship for the sake of being pursued sexually. It feels like a core part of who I am. But, it must go, and I somehow need to find a way. I'm not looking forward to this at all but I have to for his sake.
That's a sample from the last 2 weeks.
so your obvious flaws are that you don’t always clean after yourself, feel sad when he points out something you did wrong and that you have a high sex drive? if you only stopped the sex when you are super busy and tired which i will assume doesn’t happen every week or too otfen, you do realize they sound like very normal things that have nothing to do with your bpd diagnosis, just basic shit any neurotypical does? if you pick a medium-annoying person off he street how do you compare? are you really sure he is as perfect as he seems and you as bad as he makes it seem , how long have you two been togheter? maybe he just gets off on feeling like a paternal figure, educating and raising you the way he likes. you seem very aware and ashamed of your problems but you haven’t expressed anything empathetic from him on your situation.>im the sole issue in the relationship >he tells me the truth im not capable of seeing on my own>he can change me anytime for a better woman >advice on issues where i think i’m not being gaslit
why, do you think there are some where does gaslit you lol , you sound too impressed and dependent on this guy and that you are ready to do anything to please him. he isn’t your psychatrist there to fix you, he is just some guy , you aren’t a crazy unsafe person that needs his guidance and evaluation
Remember that anon has BPD and is therefore an extremely unreliable narrator. BPD people always think they are being victimized, but more often than not they are the abusers. Anon's boyfriend literally treats her like a child>He does everything for me - cooking, cleaning, makes me lunch for work, etc. and he really loves me.
and they "do everything together" even go to the bathroom, probably to take a shit while the other watches. This sounds like a completely nonfunctional person to me who is extremely clingy and her boyfriend is probably trying to encourage her to be more independent and clean up after herself since apparently he is the only one who cleans.
My most obvious flaws are that I take things very personally and that I'm paranoid. I've reigned in the paranoia quite a bit, but I still struggle with taking things personally. I wasn't always as good at masking my BPD as I am now - when I first got with him, I was obviously anorexic, I self harmed a lot, I was an addict to different stuff, and I was extremely paranoid and jealous. I am no longer any of those except the paranoia and jealousy, but I don't let him get affected by that, I deal with that internally.
We've been together 3 years and have lived together for 1 year. I think he really is. He's been so patient with me getting through my BPD. At the beginning I once yelled at him in public, I got into a psych ward, etc. and he stayed with me through it all. He's never been like that. His worst flaws were in the beginning, he wasn't as empathetic or tender and hated it when I was hurt by something he'd say or do. Now he is much more empathetic and doesn't really do the latter anymore. He also is much more delicate in how he talks to me, most of the time. But even him not talking to me nicely is far kinder compared to how anyone else would speak. He cares for his parents and family, tries to do everything to make me happy, is hardworking and has concrete goals he wants to accomplish, and he puts me and his family above everything else. He always wants to spend time with me when I'm home from work. I can't fault him for anything.
>do you think there are some where does gaslit you
No, but on lc I see people jump to conclusions and I want to make sure people see he's not a guy that is just saying this stuff to neg me. It is true. >>274150>Remember that anon has BPD and is therefore an extremely unreliable narrator
100%>her boyfriend is probably trying to encourage her to be more independent and clean up after herself since apparently he is the only one who cleans
He cleans because he wants to since he is home more often. He was in school for a while while I worked full time and he only recently graduated so he's still looking for work while working for his dad. I have offered to clean and do clean for the hell of it sometimes, but he genuinely prefers to clean things himself. In regards to independence, I sort of agree, he knows I don't have friends and want friends, but at the same time, he gets sad if I try to spend time by myself reading or doing my own hobbies and it pressures me to spend time with him.
Nta. The problem wasn't that you were offering an alternative view of relationships, the problem was that you're making it out as if it's womens' fault by default they can't find decent men and healthy relationships and that they must be really stupid for not having been able to replicate what you and your mom have.
What your mom and her partner have is an absolute rarity even in the world of normies who don't have the "crabs in a bucket stay single all men suck" mindset you accuse anons itt of having.
This sounds really weird, like he's probably not all that perfect and you're idolizing him too much because he was there for you when things were difficult.
But anyway, if you really feel like you're that awful of a partner, how about you sit him down and talk to him about it? You can both come up with a plan and discuss concrete things you can work on towards being a better partner. You already have some idea of what to change, and talking about it with him can help you feel some sort of accountability to follow through. I'm not sure I agree with your assessment of you being an awful partner towards him, but even if you feel that way, it doesn't mean it's set in stone forever. It's something you can change.
>>274085 >My mom would laugh her ass off if I were to read her your comment
I'm not a part of this convo but who types this line out and goes… yes I definitely want to post this on lc. I want to tell anons that my mom would laugh at their opinons.. are you winning nonnie
You're literally saying it here >>274104
calling other women dumb bitches for no reason.
I think my mind is "stuck" lately since we've tried doing that and it makes me feel worse because I feel more criticized since we talk about how I think and how that's not a good thing.
Lately I find myself questioning all my thoughts and structures and it's really exhausting. I feel like I'm close to getting frozen by how wrong all my thoughts are. I feel determined to change, but I also feel so incredibly depressed that my mind is this way. I wish I would relax and not worry about how I think and just let it happen, but I can't because I don't perceive anything correctly.
I wish I could have 1 day where I don't worry about whether I am thinking okay thoughts or not.
I wish I could accept criticism without it making me feel bad about myself or noticing that no one else has as many flaws as I do.
>>274175>If anyone makes a post that is not "Yeah men suck, it's not worth trying, break up with your boyfriend, all relationships are trash and not worth it" you immediately start seething. Crabs in a bucket.
again that wasn't the problem with your post but you just twist it as anons being bitter.
>all relationships are trash and not worth it
are you just purposely oblivious to the endless, near-daily stream of posts encouraging anons to get good boyfriends who aren't abusive
losers? the vast majority of anons encourage anons to seek out quality men.
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This thread was unusable for part of last year because an admitted scrote kept coming back here, camping out in the thread and sperging out that 'everyone here is anti-relationship' as soon as even one post was cynical. That was all it took for him to go off again and derail the thread for days with similar shit to what you're insisting here. That we're all one like minded group.. comparable to animals >seething. Crabs in a bucket
hmm now that you mention it, more recently there's also that one anon who was seething about childfree women and basically calling men who get vasectomies self-castrating beta soyboy cucks. and that one anon who was seething at the polysperg because, in their words, "she just wanted to make us hate our boyfriends" (don't get me wrong, the polysperg was retarded too but it's curious how there's a trend in this thread of someone seething hard over women choosing anything other than a traditional heterosexual monogamous nuclear family relationship)
no need to go to kf for it when people like the scanditard take the name they've been assigned by tinfoilers and proudly respond namefaggedly every time they're called upon
yeah, tinfoiling stokes the flames, but the narcissist weirdos who've become obsessed being Known For Something in the lolcow relationship advice thread are surely the bigger problem… they're the ones flouting anonymity, while tinfoilers are simply calling it out
Tell me I'm not retarded for splitting up over empty water bottles and crumbles on the counter, nonas.
I've been dreading living with my boyfriend. He's messy, disorganized, basically retarded. He lived with his mom and brother until age 28 and she was a clean freak stay at home mother so I suspect he did very little chores except doing the dishes when it was 'his turn'. I suspect he has ADHD or something because for fucks sake nothing gets in that head of his. We are VERY incompatible when it comes to housework. I have had many calm conversations explicitly detailing what was bothering me and what I wanted to change and he does it for a few days and then stops again.
If the floor is dirty he doesn't swipe or clean it unless I tell him to. The place can turn into a pigsty and he never really has the attittude to do anything about it unless I tell him to. He does it on command when asked, but he NEVER has the attitude to do anything on the house. He never washes the clothes even if they're a huge pile and overflowing, he eats on the fucking counter and just leave the crumbles there, the cats litterboxes can be packed full of shit and piss and he never cleans them, and most of the time he doens't even close the lid of things he just opened, he just leaves them there. Today he left an empty water bottle over the fridge and when I opened it it fell on my head. Like if it was empty couldn't he just have put it on the trash? Is taking a few seconds to do it SO hard? And he left his medicine bottle with the lid off on the sink knowing the cats constantly get there and knock everything on the floor or ffs eat it.
We had so much potential and I liked him so much but he doesn't change. He generally lacks an attitude about everything in his life like grooming himself trying to impress me anything, he doesn't t have mental issues like depression. (other than the ADHD I SUSPECT, not confirmed)
He's just completely retarded, he's like a giant ugly baby. It gets under my skin SO much. If someone said they broke up with their partner over these things I would have said it was ridiculous but it's making me insanely stressed ever since we moved in together. I hated it so much. We can't afford 2 places so I'm considering to break up and he goes back to his house. I feel sad because I like him but I hate living with him…. And on top of that I felt like I mostly had some sort of intellectual attraction going on with some idealization in the mix so now that everything is mundane I don't feel attracted anymore, and since he never makes an effort about impressing me, it's just that, we've been like roommates for the past 3 montths. It's not miserable or unbearable but it's sad. I know I'll miss him when he inevitably leaves, but I hate living with him and I'm not attracted to him anymore either.
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Anons, I have many questions. For context, I'm a 30 year old woman, I've had one boyfriend 10 years ago for 1 year, then lots of short proto-romances and sexual relationships after that. No boyfriends in school. I grew up without adults in romantic relationships around me to learn from.
I've always wanted something long term and stable with a man (I'm heterosexual), but I straight up have no clue what that looks like. I can get to the initial stages, like flirting, going on dates, etc, but I don't know how to act after that. Men with whom I had the beginnings of a relationship with, have said that I grow distant and begin to act "weird" once things develop past that stage - I've been told a couple of times from guys that they start feeling like a piece of meat/fuck buddy. It's either that, or (when I avoided being sexual at this point) that I'm distant and cold. It's really distressing to me because a couple of times, I was quite invested in someone, but it sounded like that didn't come through for them.
Basically what I want to know is, what activities does a couple engage in, non sexually? What do people usually do in this stage of a relationship, where you're spending more casual time together? What does a day in a brand new relationship looks like? What do you talk about with a boyfriend?
I've asked these questions to my therapist, but she could never give me concrete examples (I think she doesn't want to mould my idea of relationships with her own experiences, or her other clients', which is understandable). When I ask her why I'm this way, she usually points to me not having seen adults having romantic relationships in my formative years as a reason why I have no baseline for it.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. Basically I'm looking for concrete examples of day to day life in a relationship, and how to relate with men in a way that isn't just flirtatious or sexual.
Every relationship is different. My Nigel and I are best friends, we talk together, do chores together, go grocery shopping together, basically everything together, though sometimes we will decidedly do different activities but that's usually on the weekends because during the weekdays, we're just so happy to see each other when I'm home from work that we usually do everything together.
Some couples prefer to have much more separate time than we do. Some would find it stifling how we live. It is fine with us, though, we don't have friends and didn't really before each other so I suspect us being together all the time has something to do with that.
A typical day goes like this:>We wake up>Cuddle and talk for 10-15 minutes >I get up to go get ready for work>Nigel prepares my breakfast, lunch, and tea for work>I leave for work>We text a bit during work>I return >We have dinner that he made>We clean up the kitchen >We hang out for a bit, usually we watch interesting YouTube videos and talk about them, or we talk about our day, pressing household issues, or our past, whatever has been on our mind>We shower >We play video games together, watch something together, or just talk>Sex >Bed
It's a neat little routine. We've been together for 5 years, lived together for 3. On Saturday we do household chores and grocery shopping like I said and on Sunday we relax and either go out together or hang out with his family (I don't visit mine). We often prepare very nice elaborate meals together on the weekends, too, though he does the heavy lifting because he prefers cooking more out of the two of us though I always pitch in. Usually I read while he cooks or journal. We also paint together on separate projects and we like to do home improvement projects together. There's a lot more I could add, but I'd rather not. We also have always had a very active sex life and we put effort into maintaining it. On the weekends we usually have sex 2x a day and on the weekdays it's at night. Sometimes we miss a day if we're super exhausted. We are very vanilla.
In regards to interests, even if we don't share it independently of each other, we know all about whatever the other is interested in.
I think my example is rather extreme, though. Most people we've met have more separate lives from their partners.
I hope this helps.
Thank you nona!>>274411
Sounds like he's a house Nigel, with the cooking and whatnot. Very based imo.
it's not codependency just because it doesn't check off your box of them not having friends, people gain and lose friends all throughout their lives. that's like diagnosing someone with a mental disorder just because they only have one symptom…
not that i need to state it again, but no, they clearly are not codependent. do you have bpd yourself? it's always the ones bringing it up that have it themselves…
>>274448>people gain and lose friends all throughout their lives
"we don't have friends and didn't really before each other" doesn't sound like they're just in a weird spot where they have less friends temporarily due to e.g. moving>it's always the ones bringing it up that have it themselves…
take your meds lol
>>274398 >lived with his mom and brother until age 28 and she was a clean freak stay at home mother so I suspect he did very little
I'm pretty sure I saw you post about this guy in vent lately too. I mean you don't need to justify leaving him to anyone else but even if you did.. you've already lost attraction to him.. that's bigger than some crumbs. Feeling like roommates and not even good roommates is a pretty valid
reason to want to move out and move on.
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The moment I saw that retarded 'you guys are like crabs in a bucket' phrase get posted the other day I knew we were in for this non-stop shit all over again accusing everyone of being bitter and anti-relationship. Cat ladies, roasties, bitter bitches, seething, claws out.. on and on
I have no doubt that this will get brought up again and again every day now and we need to just ignore. Same scrote as before
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I was ready to take your side cause anon's relationship sounds cute and harmless but you somehow sound more retarded despite being right. Maybe take a break ftom this thread.
I was saying we don't have friends as in, we don't visit friends. He has a few and I have 1 from college. All my other childhood friends don't live anywhere near us and we hadn't kept in touch even years before I met him. We don't really hang out with either of our friends because we don't agree/mesh with their lifestyles (they have kids, or they are alcoholics, plus they live far away, etc.). Neither of us are really people persons, I grew up in a weird culty religious family (hence why I don't visit except maybe 1 or 2 times a year) and he grew up relatively isolated because he grew up like an only child. I meant "we've never had friends" as in we functionally don't have friends and we've never really sought out friendships because we were content on our own, either before and after we were together.
But even then, it's not like I have no one. I am not afraid to make friends if necessary and my family is large and has a lot of money and I know they'd support me anyway even though I don't visit.
I guess that means even mentally ill weirdos can find true love, but you're still single and seething. What does that say about you, nonnie
>>274514>Anon wasn't asking for advice for her relationship.
yeah, she presented her weird ass relationship to someone who wanted an example of a relationship which is even worse. that's not good advice to the op.>Every time you shit on other women in this thread for dating men you are showing us how bitter you are.
not everyone you disagree with is the same person, schizo. just regarding this issue alone you're arguing with like 2-3 other anons as well
Seconding this. I understand loneliness and particularly feeling like you’ll never relate to people who aren’t in image board circles but e-dating is such a joke, especially with hardcore channer types. I can’t individually judge every nonny
who’s in a relationship like this but to the ones who need to hear it- please love yourselves. There’s better out there.
I made a thread for online relationship advice here >>>/g/271193
Let's keep this thread for people who are in real relationships.
You shouldn't even be in this thread giving relationship advice if you're not in a happy relationship yourself. This thread is so toxic
because it's used by femcels as a place to "feel better" about not having a relationship. That's why every single relationship is torn apart, every boyfriend is the worst person ever and all anons should break up. Because that way they feel some sort of sick satisfaction of "well at least I'm not them" or even worse, they get satisfaction out of making others break up over minor issues.
Just look at all the posts from last week about "Oh I am so happy to be single, it's just the best life, I've been alone for 10 years and I never want to date", like… okay? Why are you in this thread then? Because you DO feel insecure about being single, you DON'T feel confident and you need reassurance that you're actually better off by putting every other relationship in a bad light. And if you think people can't see through what you are doing and how angry and upset you are that other people are happy (with men, eeewwww) then you're fucking stupid.(infighting)
>>274666>Any man who doesn't want to get married is a red flag to me. It means he's afraid of commitment.
But when it's the opposite anons say he wants to trap/own the woman "because marriage was designed by men to own a woman over other men".
I don't think it's black and white like that and to me not wanting to marry because of political views doesn't indicate he's afraid of commitment (I'm not affirming or denying I agree with those political views)
I don't think marriage is a way for men to "trap women". Only the manhating harpies on here who have never had a relationship say shit like that.
Getting married is a normal part of life and it's important for a lot of things, like medical emergencies where you have to make decisions for your partner. If you're not married to your spouse the doctors aren't even allowed to tell you what's wrong with them if they are ever in an accident. It's also a commitment to spend the rest of your life together that can't just easily be broken off, men especially should be forced to make this commitment.
How do you feel about the living off the grid plan? If that's his end goal does that match up with what you want?
Him not wanting to marry you and giving that reason.. to me it demonstrates that he's strong enough in his beliefs that relationship or not he'll likley be sticking to his own plan above all else. He might not be someone who'll compromise down the line. That'd my concern. I'd have serious talks now to try and guage what issues that could bring down the line.
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Do you think men like this are super rare? I mean, I feel like at best they'll listen to your emotions but won't specifically want to empathize just because. And in my personal experience they were more often than not dismissive of how I was feeling and just tried to not have to deal with communication, even though I'm not a super emotional person and in most of the cases the issue I wanted to talk about was just the lack of communication anyway. I don't know what the guy who wrote picrel is like irl, and it's an old post but it seemed like such a nice thing to me
Girl yall are literally crying over mediocre men and then yall are crying even more when anons say they are mediocre. Why would I be jealous of some random anonymous loser with a boyfriend who neglects her, treats her like shit and will never change no matter how many times she whines in this thread?
You are delusional if you think we are jealous of that. I've actually dated sweet men who spend time and money on me, currently being spoiled rotten by a moid both in affection and monetarily, I just want the same for my fellow anons. If anything, you are the bitter and jealous one for wanting to keep other anons down and trapped in horrific relationships.
>>274686>I feel like at best they'll listen to your emotions but won't specifically want to empathize just because
Basically, yeah that is also how I feel about this.
The thing that jumps out to me about people who like to go on about validating is that sometimes they're just focused on having you explain shit to them and it can be exhausting. Or they want you to jump through whatever self help framing hoops they learned to communicate through, instead of actually empathizing or hearing what you're saying. Empathy is difficult, especially if your partner has a totally different life experience due to different sex/race/finances/etc. Validating is nice but at some point there need to be real changes made in behavior and approach so you don't have to keep feeling shit and explaining it at great length. Where a deep conversation turns into a waste of time is when at the end of it there isn't a discussion on what can be done to improve things, and then actually doing those things.
Communication is good but there can be too much of it sometimes. All talk, no action.Do the bickering anons have to debate this fucking hard for days? Just move on, it doesn't matter if people are "femcels" or smegmaidens or whatever. This thread is for input and being overly-critical of who's giving input or who's taking it doesn't matter whatsoever. You don't need to take the advice, you don't need to agree on the commentary. Trying to psychoanalyze the exact background of the anon posting her opinion is a colossal waste of time. Jfc.
I've mainly known men who are on the cold or avoidant side. They would help you with a practical problem like money or fixing something in your house but offering emotional support or discussing your communication issues.. minimal fucks given to that side of things. They don't see the worth in it. Where I live that's almost just the default of how men are expected to be. I was used to that but was growing sick of it. Then I met someone years ago who presented like pic. The red flag I missed was how soon he was.. just dying to hear all muh traumas. You can guess the rest. He later used it against me, threw that info back at me in fights etc. That was a whole rough lesson in judgement.
That's the one thing I'd warn about. A lil too much of anything can feel off and it's for good reason. Men who loudly decalre their sensitivity might be trying too hard. I do still think there's decently alright guys out there in that regard but I don't think they're the same ones loudly declaring it right off the bat, sometimes its purely to hook you in. A signal that attracts the most vulnerable women.
My boyfriend has a girl best friend. This girl has insulted me to my face, behind my back and to anyone who will listen. Shes called me a pickme who hates other girls, she's told him I've always been mean to her because I hate other girls yet failed to mention how I used to message her to check up on her when she was down, and always replied to her Snapchat selfies telling her she looked great… That was until I found out all the shit she was saying about me. He has told her my private problems I didn't want sharing. When I ask him why he'd be friends with her after that he tells me I just don't understand her humor, she actually has a really difficult life and is kind, I don't understand the context ect - and my personal fav… She doesn't respect me but that's okay because she doesn't respect ANY woman!
After finding out recently that she laughed and wouldn't support him after finding out we had a difficult spot in our relationship, I just snapped and decided that was it. It needed to be addressed. Now I think we're breaking up.
He will always defend her, he says he SEES my side but I just don't get the situation and has never ever said "yeah what she did was fucked up."
No, I don't think she has a thing for him and I don't think he has a thing for her. Genuinely. She has her own boyfriend (and always sends my bf random messages describing their sex life in extensive detail), and they've had plenty of opportunity for their own relationship to blossom before I was in the picture but it never did. I know he isn't into her.. i think. He just says she's "one of the guys" and he doesn't think of her as a girl.
There's no way to move on from this, is there? It's either me or her, and honestly since he's said he doesn't see the issue with her disrespecting me since she "only does it rarely", even if he did choose me i don't think I'd want him.
It sucks because i love him but.. i don't deserve this
>>274772>No, I don't think she has a thing for him
Probably true>and I don't think he has a thing for her. Genuinely.
Cope. Men can not be friends with women, the only reason they ever interact or hang out with women because one day there might be the possibility of sex. 100% your boyfriend has at least considered sex with her, has wanted sex with her or has tried to have sex with her (but was friendzoned).
This is insane, how could anyone be okay being friends with someone who constantly insults a person they allegedly love? And on top of that he has no problem sharing your private issues with her? You're 100% right, this HAS to be adressed, you were way too forgiving and patient for way too long. I hope he understands and if not, that you'll be able to walk away; and that either way this will be resolved. Really shitty situation to be in.
(also, i'd be careful about being sure there's nothing between them, ofc it's projecting on my side because it's just something that happened to me but my ex had a close female friend who was in relationship and "one of the boys", it never seemed like they have any interest in each other but turns out they've been having sex ever since they became friends, effectively cheating on every person they happened to be with along the way)
Never been in a Discord relationship, so don't hate the messenger.>>274810
I was deadass just saying that's why people are not using the thread.
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Since /ot/ told me to come here, here I am.
Plain and simple: how the fuck do I hit on a professor at College?
There is no impediment, he's single, we are somewhat close in age and he's not in any of my classes.
I can access him through social media.
What should I say? Pls someone give me a hint.
He has defended me to her and they've argued over the fact he defends me and won't let her shit talk me… But sometimes he just doesn't bother. He says that since he doesn't believe it, he doesn't see the point in defending me because it's bullshit anyway. That doesn't fly with me.>>274805
Pretty sensitive, he actually told me her issues as well (I never asked and told him to shut up about it because I had no interest in her and it grossed me out) and she nearly unfriended him over it. Since then, he's said he's stopped but I saw him texting her about something that really humiliated me and it's just made me think what else she must know.
We haven't spoken about it since, he's been sick all day (physically and obviously very ill, not an act) so I pushed it to the side and am just helping him but I did say I stand by everything I said last night. He just said he doesn't know what to do. I don't even know what I want at the end of this tbh.
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So I broke up with my ex almost two years ago, we're still friends and in good terms with eachother. I don't like spending time with him alot though because I'm trying to keep my feelings at bay, so I'll disappear for weeks/months at a time. When I'm back and ready to talk I'll ask him to "catch me up" and he has this running "joke" now about how so much has changed, and he'll make up ridiculous stuff about his family members or friends and then throw in there how he's married. Obviously he's not, he's just being sarcastic about the length of time we've gone without seeing eachother. My question is, what is he trying to accomplish when he does this? Idk how to feel when he says stuff like that, at first I didn't think much of it, but it's every time?…
I always give him a heads up>>275067
How do I break it off with a cheating boyfriend? My parents love him. Especially my mom. My mom never believes in me, she thinks my boyfriend is such a sweetheart who does everything for me and treats him like her own son. At this point I believe she loves him more than me. She always nags I should treat him better for no reason. I am deadly afraid of eventually admitting that I have broken up with him, because she will never ever believe he was the one who cheated. It will probably destroy the last shreds of diplomacy I have with my mother.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach to open up about my private life to anyone. I really loved him and wasn't perfect either but he destroyed all my trust just to check out girls on a fucking Tinder.
When I found out Tinder on his phone, he literally went crazy, screamed, cried, hit himself, hit me (accidentally) I had to calm him down for three hours because I was afraid neighbours will hear and call police.
I know I can't have a future with a person like this, I'm not afraid of him, I don't give really a crap if he goes and gets it on with STD ridden creatures, but I don't know what to do with my mom. I feel like crying every day.
>>275081>I always give him a heads up
doesn't mean he likes it.
I agree with another anon though your dynamic with him doesn't sound healthy. Like >don't like spending time with him alot though because I'm trying to keep my feelings at bay, so I'll disappear for weeks/months at a time.
This is not healthy or normal. For your own well being you might honestly want to consider cutting contact for good, closing that chapter of your life. It would open up space and focus in your life for new things.
If you're sure your mother won't believe you, consider just not giving her your reason. You're afraid she won't believe you, which puts the importance on what your boyfriend did and whether or not that's bad enough for you to break up with him in her eyes, when she should be respecting your decision to break up with him regardless of your reason and regardless of what he did. If you don't try to justify your reason for breaking up with him to her, she won't have power over you if she doesn't believe you he cheated, because then it won't matter he did xyz thing, because all that matters is that you made a decision and she'll have to respect it. Really emphasize that it's your decision, you don't need to justify it to her and she has to respect it.
Sorry you're going through a tough time, I hope you'll feel better soon.
I had an ex who was emotionally and physically abusive
and who cheated by the end too. My dad had met this guy one time and yet he'd been given my dads default favouritism towards males. I told my dad post break-up that he'd flipped out and beat me twice during the relationship. My dad didn't have anything to say in response, nothing, and months later my dad was back to > God I miss 'nigel' He was a nice guy. I think he was really good for you!
I'm not close to my dad to begin with so that was the final straw that broke me.
If you want to continue to have a relationship with your parents I think the only way to do it without emotionally taking a beating is to be blunt and lay it out that either you are their main concern now or that's not how parents should act. If you can't be that frank (I couldn't) then pulling back from your parents is your next best option. Having to randomly hear them voice how they miss him is the risk you run if you don't tell them what happened. That's a wound that'll stay open as long as they keep bringing him up in their ignorance of what went down. It's a pretty common thing that people don't know what happens behind closed doors in other peoples relationships. Only you know the reality. They can't tell you what you went through in private with him.
Seriously, just break it off for good. When I first met my husband he had an ex like that that would disappear and re-appear in his life whenever she wanted, it was very obvious that she thought she could keep him on the back-burner until one day she felt like "settling down" or whatever. Once we got together and he had a normal relationship with someone who is not BPD for the first time in his life he realized how toxic
that shit was and cut her off forever. We never heard from here again and honestly don't even know if she is still alive.
Do yourself and him favor and MOVE ON.
The more you know.
You know that’s like, not normal?
I'm in a FWB relationship with this dude who's a very wealthy CEO. Like, he made a Forbes 30 under 30 list and bought a multi-million dollar luxury skyscraper condo in one of the most expensive major cities in the country level wealthy. So you can only imagine that I wish to schmooze him into treating me with a bit of that cash, if I have any chance making that happen at this point. I don't even think I want to actually date him or anything… more like, just meme him into buying me clothes and shit? Maybe more than that if he seemed willing, I've actually never brought up that kind of thing to him because I have no idea how to ask without blatantly sounding like a gold digging bitch. This all makes me sound very retarded as I type it out, especially given the fact that I've already had sex with him, but I'm just a wishful thinker, okay?
So I'm 19 and he's like 26-27, and this age gap combined with the fact that he's kind of a socially awk redditor autist and that we come from very different backgrounds (i.e. he has wealthy parents and I'm a broke college student who grew up lower-middle class) means that we kind of lack the necessary common ground to get much good conversation flowing between the two of us. But we get along nicely enough, and I've probably deluded myself into thinking he finds me endearing beyond a sexual context given the fact that he kept hitting me up (even during/after a time when I ghost him for like a year because I was fed up with him constantly flaking on me bc he was busy with work lol) when he surely has enough money to attract a BBL Instagram model who's much hotter than me. I don't know… I joked one that I could be the "Grimes to his Elon" and he said "We'll see how bad of an influence you can be on me", and I know he was just playing along… but does anyone here know how I could hypothetically be that bad influence?
I don't feel like it's been too long since our breakup so that would be an understandable reaction if he got a girlfriend say tomorrow, me thinks.>>275238
Yeah that is what my goal always is, but then I end up missing him too much.>And promise to yourself you'll not continue with the friendship if you're not sure there's nothing romantic left?>>275232>>275278
I disagree but isn't that all self harm? also he's not as rich as the anon with the forbes 30 under 30's fuckbuddy but he lives pretty comfortably and helps me out alot with my school expenses, unprompted. He helps me with my mom too, is really funny, gets me out of my shell and into fun places, has helped me hold down a really good job, is very smart, gives great advice, I don't think I've ever gotten along with anyone as well as I do with him in general too, his place is really comfy and I like going there alot, he reminds me of my dad, idk hes very fatherly imo. He has nice hands which is cool, and he also has a big dick so I guess even if I'm not fucking him I wanna be around him lol
in all seriousness though I only wanted to know what he meant by saying that. That was all thank you nonnas
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Why does my (ex)boyfriend keep going back and forth over being with me?
He broke up with me and said he was moving out next month. It broke my heart but I was trying to move on until he started hugging and kissing me and acting like he changed his mind. He didn't want to talk about it but I got pissed and basically forced him to. He said he doesn't think it's gonna work for various reasons but it's hard because he loves me and wants to be with me. Some of the reasons were that I'm older than him, don't want to have bio kids (I want to adopt instead), that I'm taller when I wear some shoes and it makes him feel bad??? and a bunch of other dumb shit like my humor annoys him sometimes. He said he only started being affectionate again because he was trying to make me happy and he felt like he had to, which is bullshit. He initiated, not me.
My heart broke all over again worse this time but I tried to move on even more by saying he needs to start staying in the living room of our apartment until he moves out and that he needs to start doing his own laundry, buying his own food, etc. So now he's back to being affectionate again and I had to tell him to stop because he can't keep going back and forth. Either break up with me or start working on your issues with me. Why does he keep doing this?
More context needed anon but without the context I'd say absolutepy yes. Abusive
and dangerous because forbidding you from driving makes you more dependable on him, limits your independency and limits your ability to see your family and friends. Besides obviously not having the fucking right to take your driver's license.
Your bf needs a really pressing reason to justify this.
Men do try to trap women when the woman won't settle them with them willingly. Anon could be the one who doesn't want it to be serious as it looks like he has no issue spending money on her which is something most men don't do unless they're expecting something more than just sex in return.
Anon should be careful and use protection against pregnancy and STDs.
retarded take. women cheat for different reasons and there are plenty of valid
reasons for primarily women to cheat
Hi, i’ve been dating this guy for a while now, i had been pretty into him for about a year before that though. He’s one of those guys that seems very innocent. You sorta pity him to an extent since he just seems too kind for this world. Anyways, when we started dating he promised many big things, we are long distance (yeah i’m dumb) so he promised he would use his money to come see me. He promised a lot. Well, so far i’ve gotten nothing from him. Because i’m studying at uni i don’t have the most free time, but every break i’ve had has come and go with him not having any money to come visit because he spent it on video games and food. Our plan has always been paying 50/50 for the tickets. Of course i always have the money for this, i’m not irresponsible and it is only 150 at most each. He lives with his parents so don’t think he needs his money to support himself, he lives a very easy life, he doesn’t work or study. He finds this way to guilt me. Constantly. At the start of the relationship he had a very inappropriate friendship with this girl, matching profile pictures, he even had her account in his bio. He also does not allow me to comment on his posts as he wants privacy. I got mad about this and even messaged the girl, not angrily i just wanted to know what was going on. He made her block me, then made me apologise to her and him. I felt defeated and like i was in the wrong. He recently told me he’s not sure if he would be attracted to me without make up if he didn’t love me. that hurt. then in the same conversation he said even if he didn’t know me he would like my boobs. that hurt even more. i got pretty sad and started crying, this was all over text so i started calling him because i felt very hurt and alone. He refused to answer because he thought it would be too awkward. when i did convince him to answer he stayed on mute as i cried and i basically felt like an animal at the zoo. I just don’t get it, i am very nice to him, i’ve bought him gifts, sent him and his family food and he has not spent a cent on me. I want to leave but i feel this guilt. Has anyone else felt this guilt? what is it? he treats me like shit but i feel always in the wrong because he tells me he’s scared of me when i get mad at him for his actions. He also said other things that made me honestly scared of him, like him and his friends yelling at a group of teen girls and he also said he would find it fun to kill animals with a machete. He’s pretty homophobic too, but he has an obsession with muscular males and posts thirst trap videos of them, my goofy self gets genuinely jealous of his adoration over these men because i’m convinced he’s genuinely into them and his homophobia is just a cover up. How do i leave him and how do i not feel this guilt?
Do you really feel guilty or are you just telling yourself you do, so you can cling to your hopes of staying together and avoid dumping him? Just block and delete him, don't give it a second thought or bother to be polite about it. This isn't a real relationship, he's a loser NEET and he clearly doesn't give a single fuck about you. As always: if he wanted to, he would.
Sorry, I know I'm being harsh but I've been in your position. I kept telling myself I couldn't dump him because he would suicide bait and not 'let' me dump him, but deep down I liked feeling obligated to stay because I wanted to stay, regardless of how badly he treated me and how little he cared.
>>275809>How do i leave him
EZ, log out of discord and don't log back in. Also consider posting in this thread >>>/g/271193
in the future.
>>275809>I just don’t get it, i am very nice to him, i’ve bought him gifts, sent him and his family food and he has not spent a cent on me.
He doesn't like you anon, I'm sorry. There's nothing to "get." He's not a nice person like you said in the beginning of your post. Why did you even bother saying that? How can you feel guilty for leaving a mean person who doesn't even like you?
I think you feel bad ("guilty") when he gets "scared" of you when you're mad because you have normal human empathy and it makes you feel bad to see someone you care about in such a vulnerable position. Imagine your bf's reaction to telling him his dick is too small. Imagine his reaction to you humiliating him socially. Imagine him calling you to vent and putting yourself on mute because you don't give a fuck. Imagine him buying your mother a nice meal and then being mean to him and telling him not to comment about it on your social media. I'm guessing you can't relate to those things because you're not a piece of shit. Don't give your heart and your time to men you can't relate with. He's probably using you for sex or status. Fuck his feelings. Just stop talking to him. You're worth a hell of a lot more than whatever this is!
Yes at that point it's no longer an e-relationship obviously. When I said "e-relationships aren't real" I was talking about relationships in general, not hers specifically, that start out online and remain online/long-distance with no or rare irl contact.>>275854>irl prior contact
So we weren't even talking about the same thing, ok discussion closed.
sorry nonitas i’m rambling a bit.
i did, and he did consult me, and i said ‘honestly it’s going to be a really big shock to me and it’ll take me a while to get used to, but at the end of the day if you want to do it, it’s not my hair, i can’t tell you what to do with it and i’ll support you regardless’. he’s talked about wanting to do it for like a year for the sake of it because he’s never done it before, and it’s going to be so hot here in the next week that he said he’s actually got another reason to do it now.
i just don’t think it suits him, he has a very boyish look with soft features and i think the bald head look ages anyone and makes them look too aggressive for me. but he’s never told me what to do with my looks or hair so it’s not my place to stop him. that’s why i feel so shit for not liking it and worrying about how it’s going to affect intimacy, i’m not a ‘looks are everything’ person but the demographic of men i’m attracted to is so small that i can’t help worrying that maybe his attractiveness to me is going to fade
>>275882>>275885>was my attraction to men/a man solely based on hair?
No, hair just has an incredible effect on the face.
I'd say try to convince him to grow it out again, but don't make it about you, only mention him and try to speak positive of his curly hair instead of down talking his bald head. So don't go "I like you better with curly hair, you don't look good with a bald head" but say "You look handsome with curly hair, it fits your features" instead. If he really just wanted to try it once, there's probably a good chance you can convince him?
Omg this happened with an ex of mine but he wanted to bleach his hair. He's middle eastern and he wanted to dye the top a platinum white and given he had soft, luscious, untouched hair I was so against it, I'd bleached my hair before and it fucked it for years. Plus, same as you, I just wasn't attracted to it.
Light hair just turns me off, I prefer darker features. You put into words what I felt years ago so thanks luv, appreciate.
The only advice I have is try not to hold a grudge. I agree that he can do what he wants to do with his body at the end of the day, and appearance can change and can change back. My ex actually got me to dye his hair back after a month because he couldn't deal with the upkeep and dryness of white hair, kek. Your bfs hair will grow, and it's best to do what the other anon said and encourage him with how much you love his long, curly hair.
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I found evidence of something because I randomly got a gut feeling, and I was correct. I'm waiting to confront him about it when he comes back from visiting his family. I don't need his family blaming and bad mouthing me for ruining his mood while he's out there. So, I'll patiently wait, but I'm kind of glad it's like this because I do not feel like arguing now that I have had time to think. Just going to show him what I have gathered, then leave for good. They really aren't different, no matter how sweet and innocent they may look, or what their hobbies are. I won't let this stop me from starting school I just wish he could've seen me succeed because he really did support me emotionally whenever I was low, and I did the same for him. I don't feel anything but pure disappointment, nonnas.. and maybe a little sadness.
same age, its a wasteland of bald heads
I dont bother trying anymore lol
>>275852>and rarely work out for the women involved.
This is crucial. I'm shocked how many women are willing to go to a different country or even continent to meet some guy from the Internet or move in with him after meeting a few times. Vetting scrotes is hard enough even when you see them on a daily basis, online "relationships" make hiding red flags and abusive
tendencies so easy. No wonder most of them are dysfunctional messes.
I'm sorry anon. It might be good that you have time to process this before you see him again. Get yourself into a headspace where he won't be able to sucker you back in or feed you excuses. Too many women get pulled back in and then the circus repeats itself a lil while down the line again.
I caught a guy once. He seemed so trustworthy for 3 years and then my gut started to just scream at me that something was up. We were making plans for our future and he was the one wanting to commit more and more. He went on holidays with his fam and on day one I looked and found what my gut had been telling me. I had 2 weeks to sit with my feelings before he got home. I didn't give him a show with tears. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't give him any emotions to then manipulate. I think it even hurt his ego that I never gave him all that usual despair. It's not that I didn't go through it.. but I refused to break down in front of him. In the long run I'm happy with the way I handled it. Its nice to at least have time to plan your confrontation.
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Not that I disagree but this is going to turn into that debate for the umpteenth time, right?
Long vent incoming about LDR dont really expect anyone to read:
My boyfriend and I are long distance, we've spent a month together before, in total I'd say we've been around each other in person for 2 months and have been dating almost 2 years. Lately I've been feeling like I want to break up because I'm about to turn 28 and don't want to keep spending time in something that might lead to a dead end since neither of us have plans to move to the other person. We talk in vague terms of "someday we'll do this and that". I don't know if it's okay for me to expect him to visit me often since I'm not comfortable visiting him– I don't want to go on a plane to a different state, leaving my dog at home and I'm just not a fan of traveling at all.
It would be so nice to have someone local, but the thing is I kind of always knew I'd end up in an ldr due to being very picky and living in an area where men are just really unattractive generally speaking. I legitimately feel like over my years of dating apps I've met (or not matched with) every attractive man in my area. My only hope would be someone new moving nearby, but people don't really move here. I dated someone before who was here for his job, but we broke up because he'd be going back to the state he was from when the job ended. I cant stress enough how I legitimately feel like I've exhausted all of my local options– I've dated men I'm not very physically attracted to in the past and it's not something I'm ever going to do again. I have a fairly high sex drive and can't be with someone whos appearance turns me off. My boyfriend currently is an ex model and though hes put on some weight his face is very good looking which is what i care about, but at some point it feels like it doesn't even matter since I rarely get to see him.
I don't want to go back to the way things were before him, i had a good looking fwb and would be swiping left on various apps every day, the occasional meet-up usually resulting in me not being attracted, or us being completely different people (the case with my fwb) or someone I decide is good enough and give in and either have sex with right away then regret it and feel like a slut, or become attached to them and drive them away by being too pushy. I cringe when I look back on a lot of my single behavior, the guys I simped over or hooked up with out of loneliness and wanting affectionate touch. Being in a relationship protects me from myself in a way, and I doubt I'd be able to find a good looking guy I get along with who lives here, if I leave my bf I'd probably just end up in the same ldr situation again.
>>276559>we will never find someone as compatible as each other with the same goals and wants in life
pure bullshit. there's 4 billion men out there. if you don't want a dude in your life that openly thirsts over women that don't look like you then just… don't have him. it's probably hard to believe what with you being cheated on and your self worth is roughly negative 0 due to that, but there are men out there that won't openly do shit like that let alone even use twitter lmao>>276565
you're not in a real relationship. seeing each other 2 months over 2 years is not a real relationship. you have a long distance friendship, and your friend doesn't want to see you any more often that he already has because you know deep down he already would've if he actually wanted to. you don't even live in different countries and he puts so little effort in seeing you when he could just cross state lines. you can't just inhale copium in the form of "everyone else around me is ugly". go find an actual long distance relationship where the dude will move to be with you and not just twiddle his thumbs for 2 years. you're 28 ffs.
1. if you have no plans to move in together you should break up now, there is no future for you
2. you seem to be very shallow while also living in some shithole with no options, consider moving or just die alone I guess
3. if your discord boyfriend really looks like a model why does he have a discord girlfriend instead of a real relationship? He's probably fucking around on the side which is why this arrangement works for him. You are his emotional tampon while he gets sex somewhere else. No man would be ok with only having sex twice in 2 years.
Just end it.
I didn't read the original post and thought it was anons irl boyfriend that happened to live far away, thats fair. She still shouldn't be with an uggo though.>>276666
I'm not op, your ugly nigel must be proud though.
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Discord kitten here. A few months ago he traveled down and wanted to see me for the first time but I declined. I don’t remember exactly why, it was maybe because I was nervous or had some plans already. Anyways I’m glad I didn’t because I was very ugly back then. He had seen me and didn’t care but still. I’ve flown up quite a lot since then and recently told him I was going to his state soon and that I wanted to see him and he declined! Said not now but eventually when I probed. I get it’s probably because he started a new job which is very important and a turning point in his life but what if it’s because he thinks I didn’t want to see him that one time? Should I end it? He seems like a real catch so I’m hesitating and need some sense talked into me
, I have to be honest with you. You wasted 2 of your years dating some random guy who couldn't be assed visiting you while living not in a different, country A STATE. It's one thing e-dating as a teenager, but as a 28-year-old, 2 years of which you spent on a literal pixel on a screen…? >we will never find someone as compatible as each other
Do I have news for you… You romanticize it too much. There are so many people in this world that you haven't met yet.
Break up, fix your insecurities, get your shit together and focus on yourself. You really sound immature, sorry to say that.
>>276672>wanted to see me for the first time but I declined.
I thought you met your bf for a duration of 2 months total? Are you not >>276565
I agree.>>276684>kek, insecure much
Quite the contrary, I commented because it seemed like the double standard at play again.> if you don't want to break up with a guy you have absolutely no chance of a future with, just because he is very good looking then you're a fucking idiot.
I don't even disagree with this I just wasn't taking a stance on whether she should or shouldn't break up with her discord bf when I said what I did.
You didn't know I wasn't the op, if you did why did you assume the handsome but discordcel faggot was my bf and I was a discordkitten? You're not normal and got so mad when I called your imaginary nigel ugly that you attacked me before realizing I'm not OP.
Also it's not normal to date ugly men, that's what femcels do when they can't find anyone else.
you are not the op but you must also be a discord kitten in order to get this mad kek.>Also it's not normal to date ugly men, that's what femcels do when they can't find anyone else.
this is true. it also applies to LDRs.
huh? im not that anon, i've "been" with this guy for 6 months
I'm also 22, if it matters? He's 25>>276675
I know but I feel like I would be pushing it if I ask a second time, like i would come across as needy and annoying. I've already broken up with him because I was unsure about this whole online thing, pffffft, idk how many times.>>276678
I declined because I had family plans I couldn't just cancel, otherwise I would've. He declined and honestly I didn't expect anything else because i already knew he currently has close to zero time off due to grinding it out. I also didn't give him a solid date for when I would be there which probably contributed. To expect for him to see me NOW would be inconsiderate. Or not, which is why I'm here asking for advice on what to do next
not pure truth, just truth in regards to how he allocates his time… need a hug?
>>276707>I know but I feel like I would be pushing it if I ask a second time, like i would come across as needy and annoying
That's stupid, you're not needy and annoying for wanting solid future plans to take your relationship offline. An e-relationship is doomed without it.
>he literally shows me his TIMECARD. How many irl boyfriends do that for any of you?
Yeah, they don't have to because irl boyfriends are under a degree of social control. Can't get away with lies about your whereabouts to your gf as easily when she's in the same social circles and your friends and family know what you're up to. This isn't the gotcha you think it is.
it feels like if I ask a second time it'll get to his head somehow, like I am chasing him or something. Also I thought if you have to initiate things then the relationship is doomed. Technically I didn't but if I ask a second time then officially I am. At least until he asks again at a later date, then we would be even. Does that make sense?>Yeah, they don't have to because irl boyfriends are under a degree of social control
Social control is a lot more faulty though. I can agree ideal would be both.>>276718
So the minority, because I look around me and 10/10 times my fake relationship is more transparent than "irl" ones
I wasn't trying to flex, just merely answering the question i knew was coming ie "hurr durr how do you know he's actually busy and not lying about it".>>276727
I hate most moids so as long as I don't meet another as good as him irl. In other words, forever or until he breaks it off
Think hard about why the sarcasm didn't land
I think this is a dedicated troll like the lady in Japan with the OCD bf on cc
In all kindness nonnie
, you'll look back on this someday and you'll see that this wasn't a relationship of any sort. You'll feel dumb like we all feel dumb about some choice we've made. It happens, but stop leaning so heavily into the delusion. At least help yourself to wake up sooner.
Make him get a job>>276734
I never said it was. And I'm well aware of all of that, so you added nothing of substance to the conversation.>>276749
I agree, what part of "I've already broken up with him because I was unsure about this whole online thing" don't you understand? He's busy and his new job is really important? aren't those legitimate reasons for not meeting eachother yet? I could suggest we meet on his once in a blue moon day off, but would that be the ideal situation? rushed, him uber dog tired? imo that sounds like the perfect way for it to go terrible.>>276753
wtf? like he was in a wheelchair or what? pretty sure mine isn't… I've seen his legs. Moving. And walking
if you’ve already broken up why are you still asking what to do?>broken up many times because of this online thing, he is very busy we can’t see each other like ever
you are answering your own questions. no one in here will encourage you to pursue this.
Lmao that's exactly what's happening, I'm OP who posted about her "hot ex model bf", anon started calling me a discord kitten, then a different anon posted "discord kitten here" lol.
Anyway I appreciate the responses and while some of them are harsh I actually do see the merit to them. I'll keep it in consideration… I still don't have my mind made up.
To clarify though we're definitely not in a discord kitten situation lol, we're both relatively normal people, and he has asked me to come move in with him many times but I'm not ready to do so as one anon pointed out, I've only been around him for 2months total, that's not enough time to really know him. He disagrees tho and thinks the time we've spent talking online is time we've been getting to know each other. I get that but its not the same as irl, seeing how someone responds to problems that arise, their mannerisms, etc.
He is working so it's hard to take off time to come here from the other side of the country, last time he drove all the way here, he's planning to fly here in fall. Idk though anons. I just don't know.
I should probably include that he wants me to fly there and would be glad if I came to visit at any time I wanted, but I don't want to go on a plane across the country and be in a place I've never been with him, if things go badly I don't like the idea of feeling trapped away from home. I moved in with a guy a couple years ago and it ended up being a bad situation so I'm probably a little scarred from that, but I think it's a good thing I'm being more cautious.
So basically I expect him to always be the one to visit me until we've known each other well enough that I'd feel comfortable moving in, and that could take years. Which is a lot to expect, I know, but it's not going to change, I'm no longer willing to take any risks for moids.
I've moved in too quickly with a bf before and it was the worst mistake I've ever made, essentially a way of financially and just practically trapping me hours away from anyone I knew who could be an emotional support. His personality changed just like that once we'd moved. I get your anxiety after an experience like that but.. just date someone who lives nearby so that moving in isn't so necessary in order to see each other regularly. For lack of better wording.. just date in a normal way with no huge distance and barriers and pressure and travel costs.
The first thing I did when I got away from my bad situation was to search out cheap property areas and I settled down solo in a town of my choosing and I put down roots here career wise. I'm living here alone for the forseeable future. I'm not moving to be with any guy and I'm not moving a guy into my home for many years at least. Being in a LDR just seems like you're going to repeat the past because you say you don't want to take risks but this is higher risk. The pacing of ldrs tends to be an issue, they tend to create this pressure to move in together to close the gap. So you see them for short visits that feel more like holidays and then one of you has to make a big leap when moving in for real. Compared to a normal relationship that is more risky and hardly what you need to be investing years into after your previous experience burnt you. Live for yourself, set your own plans and if you meet a local guy then keep renting seperately and taking it slow. That's a low risk relationship.
It's neither abusive
nor manipulative, but it's better to just be upfront and tell them exactly what it is you don't like.
It is at least manipulative when you're deliberately refusing to talk about it after your initial shock silence when your partner does want to talk about it.
Not sure if it counts as the silent treatment if you're just staying silent about that one subject but are otherwise communicating though.
if you're going silent over minor things, or simply for not getting your way in a subjective disagreement. In most cases though it's not abusive
. As other anon said, it's definitely better to just communicate your needs and if they're constantly unmet, move the fuck on to someone else. It doesn't matter too much if your needs are "reasonable" or not tbh, your partner either meets them or does not.
You are not overreacting at all, having a kid in your living space is a huge status quo change. Your life path is valid
. I'm not gonna say leave outright, but one of you is probably going to have to compromise quite a lot to make this work. I'd say do not be the one to cave because even for the annoying shitty kid, having a step mom that doesn't like her would do a number to her self-esteem. Nobody should be forced to be a parent, including you. For everyone's sake.
I experienced this but with a teenage son. I struggled. I always had to be the bigger person and suck up my feelings and deal with it (rightly so because I was the adult) but it sucked the whole time and never got any better. I was paying to live in a home I did not feel comfortable and relaxed in. The dad didn't mediate any issues that popped up very well and I compromised so much more than I think a person should have to do in a relationship. I'm not the one with baggage and yet I'm extending myself lke crazy. The dad didn't compromise much. It was always me bending to suit him. Then at times he used the son to kind of triangulate and outnumber me in decision making. Decisons that I thought should be up to the two adults (ie bill payers) He promsied me at the start that I'd never be paying for the son but 2 years in I was. He was finding ways to get me to pay more and more while pretending it wasn't about that. It was. The son would bring in a surprise expense and that same day I'm asked for money for another thing. It was insulting that he wouldn't just be upfront about the reality of it. The worst part was that.. instead of helping us get along he started to actively pit is against each other? I worked really hard to have a good rapport with him and then the dad just started playing us off against each other like we were competitive siblings? It didn't work but it was just strange and created a weird vibe and some awkward moments. I start to feel like a second child after a while. One that paid bills tho!
I've had alot of time to reflect on it. Dads need to put their kids first. Dads also need to know that sometimes they can't have it all and it's better to just not date younger/childless women if they're going to expect everyone else to suck up how much they don't like their new living situation. Imo.. don't even go there. He wants to live with his child… don't take that chance away from him but don't stick around for it either. They could both end up hating you no matter how hard you try to blend together. You're being put in an impossible situation if you don't want kids and she's a teenager who is going through some shit already.
I met a guy through a family member several days ago and we hit it off immediately. We've spent all that time talking to each other over mic every evening where we ended up talking about family, politics, criticizing coomer behavior, education, and it looks like we really share the same values. We're also the same age and have a lot of overlap in our hobbies, he comes from a good background and respects/loves his family. We actually met at my front door after my family member forced him to deliver some stuff to me. He lives quite far away though (far for me) but is already suggesting he's happy to drive and visit, he texts me while at work, we say goodnight etc.
Even after all of this though, I'm fucking terrified to get any closer than just friends. I have some trauma that left me cold hearted and with bad social anxiety so I can't tell if what I'm feeling is an overreaction of fear or messed up excitement because I do like hanging out with him. We've been flirting and I like the attention but I'm pretty sure I'm not actually attracted to him (yet?) and the thought of actually being in a relationship with someone makes me freak out and think this is going way too fast.
But I've been complaining about >mfw no bf for like the past month and this compatible guy literally turned up on my doorstep, should I just… keep on doing what I'm doing and stop worrying so much? Even when he seems happy to let me lead whenever I want, the thought of it doesn't make me feel 'safer' even though he's like 200% safe on paper in my head.
I don’t think I love my boyfriend anymore and I don’t think I’m attracted to him any longer. My heart aches and hurts thinking about it. We have been together for about 10 months and this is my first relationship, he was my first kiss and my first sexual experience. A month and a half ago I went back to visit my parents in my home country and after I returned things just changed. While I was away we kept in touch by calling and playing video games and this wasn’t the first time we were away from each other, so we were coping with distance as usual. When I returned and saw him again I just wasn’t feeling it. He spent 6 days with me in my apartment and at the beginning it was ok, but by the end of it I couldn’t bear the fact that he was always so touchy. Furthermore, over the past few weeks he keeps saying how I’m out of his league and how I’m much more attractive than him. I shut that down and tell him that he is above average looking and that he is very accomplished for his age. Plus, the more time we spend together the more comfortable he gets around me. He has now revealed his distaste for ‘common’ people (normies) and how much he hates children and people who have them or anyone who follows the status quo. He tells me that he is very loyal and that he would never leave me, that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him, etc. I don’t like it when he says that, in the beginning it was scary and now it just makes my stomach churn.
In the beginning I was mesmerised by his beauty, his glow. I don’t know if it was the initial brain chemicals of attraction but now I find myself admiring other men from afar. It’s as if he became less attractive when I saw him again, but that can’t be possible, we were just away from each other for a short while. His topics of conversation used to interest me at first, but now I find them boring, he just goes on and on about stuff that I couldn’t care slightly about. I can’t even engage in analysis or discussion with him as I know jack shit about the topic.
I don’t know why this is happening, he has always been so kind and so respectful of me. He writes me poetry, he gives me beautiful and symbolic gifts, he tells me how I’m constantly on his mind, he’s willing to move to a foreign country for me, he takes care of me when I’m sick, he doesn’t demand sex… I feel like I’m in the wrong here, that it’s my fault that I’m losing attraction.
If I do break up with him how do I do it? I’m scared he’s going to kill himself or just become depressed, that he won’t recover. This man breathes for me. I think he’s co-dependent and that is turning me off. Any tips on how to work through that?
Please help, this brings me great emotional turmoil and I feel like I can’t express this to him too prematurely.
(deleted since I wanted to add more information)
I feel like he dedicates so much and puts so much on the line for our relationship, he sacrifices so much. Whereas I tend to be more cynical about it, especially considering it's my first one. So it seems like our attitudes are polarised.
Looking at it long term it seems like it will only bring hurt to him.
I wouldn't say I'm bored of him, his company is nice and we still have good moments. Just his views seem a bit radical, especially his disdain for people. I think his attitude towards certain things is what is turning me off from him in regards to his physical looks. Since the only changing factor is that he is much more open and unfiltered.
Your first post made it sound like he's perfect and you feel guilty for being bored (still a perfectly valid
reason to break up!) but then you drop this>Just his views seem a bit radical, especially his disdain for people.
If it's already a problem imagine what it will be in a year, two, when the honeymoon phase fully passes for both of you. Ultimately like what I've said, losing romantinc interest in someone is enough to end the relationship, no matter how much the other person brings in; but in your case when he's already showing the ugliness inside, even more justified. It's only 10 months and your first relationship on top of that, not a big loss!
>>276979 >I'm pretty sure I'm not actually attracted to him (yet?)
I was ready to reassure you that you're overthinking this but.. this line is pretty make or break. It's been discussed on here alot lately (in other threads too) Don't meme yourself into dating someone you don't feel attracted to. You should not have to try and make yourself find someone attractive at the start. It's hard enough when you lose attraction later on and have to maybe work on it but rn.. it should be there. If it's not then its not. The dangerous side of this is, men lose their minds if they're left to think you're into them and then you drop that reality on them later. There's no prizes for playing along hoping the spark will somehow form later on.
I get being flattered by the attention, eso if it's been a while where you're not putting yourself out there much but unless you're both asexual there's boxes that need to be ticked.. and that feeling is either there or its not. Don't force it.
>>277056 >He has now revealed his distaste for ‘common’ people (normies) and how much he hates children and people who have them or anyone who follows the status quo >He tells me that he is very loyal and that he would never leave me, that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him
Idk if this is his first relationship too or how young you both are but.. people say some crazy bullshit when they're young and wrapped up in what they think is love. He's sounds a lil unhinged, low on empathy, puts you on a pedestal more so as a form of control rather than a genuine compliment. Probably has alot of growing up to do. He says this 'never leave you' shit to put pressure on you nonnie
. It's not for flattery. This is too much to be saying months into dating and you have no experience to comapare him to for context but this is manipulative 'don't you ever leave me!' type behaviour. That's the seed he's trying to plant when he says that. Maybe he will fall apart after you leave but you have to let him. People survive very long term relatiosnships ending so less than a year.. it shouldn't kill him.
Block him on everything if you do leave. Don't let someone with edgy low empathy levels for most people on earth.. hold suicide threats over your head.
Nonna, I cannot stress enough that you should follow your gut feeling. I had a VERY similar experience to yours and when I left him the feeling of relief was immeasurable.
Listen to >>277099
anon when she says that his flattery is a tool and not something free he gives out. When I was with my ex who, like yours, was contrarian and had a 4-chan-ish mindset (IDK if yours is but mine defo was), the constant edgelord-ing and besmirching of normie stuff was exhausting and I could tell that he was negatively shaped by that 4chan mentality and 'meninist relationship hacks'… even if he was a good guy down underneath. Listen to your gut if it's saying that the positive attention you get is suffocating you because more likely than not he is doing this to tether, not to make you feel good. If you realized that you don't feel attracted to him, that's okay! Sometimes people don't end up working out and not all breakups have to be because of some monumental problem; sometimes it's the little things that add up and make you change your mind.
In my situation, what made me realize that I wanted to break up with my ex is when I talked to my mom about these weird feelings, such as suffocation and not being attracted to him anymore and she basically said, "if you really wanted to be with him and he was the one for you, you wouldn't be thinking these things." Parents have been married for 30 years and are basically a team, she knew what she was talking about. For example, my dad loves my mom the the stars and back but he never lovebombed her or made her feel uncomfortable in their level of attachment to each other. So think about whether putting in more time into this relationship when you're already feeling the winds of change is worth it. Take care of yourself; even if he's not aware of it (doubt it, but) manipulation and string-tugging can come in all sorts of forms.
Yeah. I've never dated before (and he's only had one gf) so I don't have actual experience but I'm prepared to be honest and not do it if I don't find him hot. Am super lonely but I can deal with that, I'm not that desperate for dick kek. It probably sounds bad to clarify that I've only seen him in person that one time with pics and we've only been talking online but I thought since we get along so well over chat and co-oping games, maybe the draw will be there when we're in person. He's naturally pretty sweet, if I find there's no spark when we're in person I kind of wish I could send him off to a nonna in need because he's definitely someone's type and not a psycho.>The dangerous side of this is, men lose their minds if they're left to think you're into them and then you drop that reality on them later. There's no prizes for playing along hoping the spark will somehow form later on.
It's only been a week, I'm not playing a game or leading him on, just acting how I normally do but you and the other posts are right about the spark and past experiences already taught me not to stick around for people not worth it.>>277123
Am that anon, I was thinking people like that probably need to care for themselves before they can open up to share something with another person properly, but it sounds like you just prefer being single over being with someone if it 'annoys' you.
Yeah that sounds like you got raped, nonnie
. If you want to keep the option of going after this fucker you should go to the hospital to preserve the evidence. Otherwise surround yourself with friends and try to be comfy.
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nta but what if initially there's a spark but then something happens without you noticing and then when you realize, you have no (or seemingly no) attraction. Was that a fake spark? does it mean you're only attracted to people you just met?
There's no such thing as doomed, but it definitely becomes more tough in you're 30s, especially if you don't want to settle for men with kids from previous relationships (as you shouldn't). On the upside, you can vet for men who haven't hit the wall at 25 or 30.
That said I personally wholeheartedly believe that a relationship is the cherry on top of an already fulfilling life (satisfying carreer, good social life with friends and family, hobbies) and not a requirement for a fulfilling life, so personally I experience little pressure to find a long term partner asap. Might be different if you want kids I guess.
Yeah I agree, they might have more baggage but you can vet for men that will keep their looks (and haven't become bitter with age).
I also don't want kids (or will adopt if I eventually do) and love my life as it is. A relationship would be the cherry on top but I think that'll come out of nowhere if I'm enjoying my life and having fun versus if I'm tearing my hair out trying to find a scrote on dating apps.
How is someone having hardships in life a red flag?
In general yeah, the older you date the more baggage people will bring into your life, but so will you and as two mature adults you can support each other; and not approach it with incel-like mentality that it's all doomed and expired past certain age.
>>277385 >this behavior and outcome is bullet dodged right?
Absolutely. I wouldn't even try to be friends like you're planning.. he seems highly likely to suck you back in and end up repeating this.
I got proposed to after 3 months but we ended up going through with a wedding a year later. Then he ghosted 2 years into the marriage. The quick proposal was so flattering at the time.. lol. I know there's no perfect timeline but there's pacing that stands out as being insane and your ex fits that pretty well. Be careful.
Thanks nonnies, typing it out made me realize even more over the top he was being. In a way it's good it's over with, just need to process and move on.>>277440
Ghosted in marriage? Sounds horrible, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I hope things are better for you these days. I've definitely no intentions of getting back together with him- after all, how can I believe him ever again when he says he loves me? I don't want to perpetually live in anxiety of my partner's instability. But I do appreciate him as a person outside of the relationship- so I was thinking of giving it a tentative try as friends after I take some space for myself.
not sure whether i should post this in the stupid questions thread instead because i feel really stupid tbh but here we go. i recently broke up from quite a short (not even 1 year) but very intense relationship and it was pretty much my fault. i feel like this was a right person, wrong time type of thing..
i think i have quite a lot of unprocessed traumas from childhood and the last 3 years were especially hard for me (lots of family issues and deaths among other things) and i've been dealing with depression and being suicidal on and off. i have this tendency to self-sabotage and push people away from me, even friends.
i don't think i ever hurt him too much, but i was often very harsh and cold with him, not really because i wanted to treat him bad but because i have absolutely no capacity to open up to others, especially not in such a short amount of time (i never opened up to him about my depression for example so i think he just thinks i'm a very moody person that gets agitated often lol it is something he brought up before). usually after arguments (when i tried to push him away) he would be the one to come back to me and try to make peace, but i feel like after last time he will not be coming back because it just happened so many times.
i just feel so awful because of how i treated him at times and i often think he deserves better, but i miss him a lot. if i didn't have all this mental shit we would be perfect for each other. we have the same values and goals in life and he's just an amazing, kind and strong person and i can't even imagine spending my life with someone else other than him. i know right now it's pretty much only up to me to try and fix things, but i'm afraid if i tried to contact him now i would just hurt him again. i do have one excuse to message him though, his birthday is coming up lol. i'm just really conflicted about what to do. should i try and salvage things or just send him a happy birthday text and see where things go? i don't know..
and yes, i am looking for a therapist now.
The thing is everyone has a different idea of what "I love you" means, to the point where it almost means nothing unless you really know the person and their intentions. It could mean they actually love you and want to spend their life with you, it could mean they have fun being around you until things get difficult, it can mean they like sexing you, etc.
So never take those words at face value until you see actual commitment, effort, and loving actions from them over a long period of time. Especially when it's said so early in the relationship, they are probably just high from the excitement of meeting someone new and attractive.
I don't know how to not feel bad about this.
I'm with a great guy. I've never wanted to get married, but within 3 months he stated that he really wanted to marry me, that that was his intent. He still states this 3 years later. He regularly calls me his wife. He has told others publicly that he wants to marry me.
I don't want anything special, I want to elope. I don't like weddings. I don't like attention on me. He, on the other hand, has wanted a wedding, but he accepts I don't want one.
My thing is, we're still not married. It used to be "we'll get married when he graduates". Then he graduated. Then it become a thing of "once he gets a real full time job". This really broke me because it took him 3-4 years to graduate which was much longer than we initially expected. I tried to pull myself together. The difficult thing is, now I feel very hurt by this whole ordeal. I never even felt comfortable with marriage as a concept in the first place, but I basically tried to make myself excited because I knew this was a great guy and it makes sense for us to be partners.
Now he's committed to working at a relative's and sincerely learn their trade, but the catch is, he's always been working there, just part time. Now it is full time and he really is trying to learn the trade. He gave up on finding a job within his major and he has always being planning to go to grad school. Great, but now that he is really working for his relatives, nothing has been brought up regarding actually getting married though he always talks about it as if it will happen. It hurts my feelings a lot and I don't say anything because I feel like nothing good will come of it. I made a rule for myself that I'd never bring it up because of how badly I was affected by talking about it last time. He told me last time he didn't want it to be about waiting for him, he wants it to be a mutual decision. But I don't feel like it is that way. I have my shit together and I work and I graduated a year before him and I still go to school for fun and to accumulate credits in case I want a graduate degree in a different field than what I majored in. He does do the majority of the chores and such. But I just feel really hurt by this. I feel like by the time he does want us to get actually married, I'll do it, but I will definitely not be excited or happy because I'm over feeling this way. To make matters worse, it hurts my feelings (not his fault) that we have to hide my car payments because he cosigned and he states that he knows his parents won't like that. I have lived with them for a year and they've known me for the whole relationship, I went over every weekend before I lived here. It just makes me feel small and awful.
I don't know what to do or say. I feel like I'll go nuclear if I speak about it.
What I don't get from your story is what's stopping you/him from eloping anytime soon? Why the wait? It's not like you need to save a lot of money for a big wedding so I can't think of why he'd still wanna wait for an undetermined period of time?
>I don't say anything because I feel like nothing good will come of it. I made a rule for myself that I'd never bring it up because of how badly I was affected by talking about it last time.
Not talking about it isn't bringing you much good either though.
I still don't know.
I talked to him today about it and he apologized. He said it wasn't fair to me he kept on giving me a forecast and that he was foolish for doing it. But he didn't really say anything as to why we haven't married. Just that we need to consider what marriage would do for us and how things would be affected by it.
So basically, I need to wait longer for him to actually talk about that.
Anon said she 'eased up on clinginess' so that sounds like it's been an issue in the past, I couldn't blame him if he thought she needs friends outside of him even if she got it more under control.
Most people think everyone needs friends to function and be happy, I don't necessarily agree but I really doubt he's got sinister intentions for wanting her to have a social life.
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I could have written this myself. I hope it makes you feel less alone and dumb, I know I surely felt that way. My story has some different details but overall same issue. I'm still currently kinda trying to figure out how to mend our relationship. I haven't started therapy and probably will be a really long time until I do because I can't afford it atm but I'm doing the best with what I can. I used our anniversary as an excuse to reach out to him. These sorts of things take time so please be patient with yourself. What I do now, whenever I'm in a bad mood or feel it creeping up, instead of lashing out and running away, I take time for myself to watch movies or read, paint, meditate, dance and sing along, just anything to keep me grounded. Find something similar to anchor you. It could be a hobby or it could be something simple like with me. You can't just cease doing whatever bad thing you're currently doing is overnight though. You will feel lost, because whether you realize it or not that thing you're doing is a maladaptive coping mechanism that provides you comfort, especially if you're depressed like you say you are. So, find a healthy way cope to replace it with. It's not fool-proof but it helps a bit. It also helps tremendously that he's very understanding and believes in me. Acknowledge everything you said in your post to him including that you're looking into therapy, it'll be a sign of good faith to him. It'll help him understand you. Also, if you were anything like me during the relationship and you're able to get him back, start practicing gratitude for him. Thank him for the ways he has supported you and/or earned your trust, etc. in the past and going forward. It goes a long way in nourishing and revitalizing a relationship. It seems like a no-brainer but I know for those not in the right mindset it might be more difficult than normal. Whatever you decide your path forward or outcome is, congratulations nonetheless in recognizing your own shortcomings and working to overcome them; not alot of people feel comfortable owning up to them so it's admirable you did!
Real husband. Typo because my autocorrect is full of retarded shit.
Am I really the asshole if he literally brings it up 14 times a day and squashes other conversations to discuss the Dino’s? If it was once or twice a day I’d be happy to just smile and listen but smiling and listening to thirty plus minutes of it a day is wearing me down. If he’d just space it out with other shit I’d be content to let him bang on about it but it’s more than ten times a day every day..
I know he doesn’t like stuff I like because I have stopped discussing anything he said he found annoying.
If I talk about our other interests he just drags it back to dinosaurs.
-I found a really cool rock at work today babe, I think it’s citrine…
Oh cool I dig some of that up on ark when I was looking for some dinosaur..
-It’s a nice day how about we go work on the patio?
Nah I wanna finish building the seventeenth base in ark
- baby look I named this dinosaur a pun!
-This episode reminds me of thing from ark!
-Holy shit honey our state minister wants to outlaw abortions I am worried..
Awww that sucks come look at this baby dinosaur on vidya
Nothing is unrelated. It’s the first thing he talks about in the morning and the last thing he mentions before sleep.
NTAYRT but have you told him bluntly that you can't handle it? My bf talks for fucking days and I talked to him about it finally because I ended up being resentful of how long he talks at times. We decided I can just tell him I am reaching my listening capacity and he won't be upset. The key here is that he fully admits he talks a lot (this fact made me even more angry tbh. if he knows
it's excessive, why does he keep doing it?) so he is not offended when I tell him to stop. It's just the way he is and I love him so I accept it as part of his personality. He just really loves competition and telling me all about it. I wouldn't want it to be anyone else that he comes to. This anon >>278143
made the point nicely.>Part of being a good partner is to listen to your partner talk about their special interests, even if you don't care about them you should at least pretend to care cause it makes him happy. He probably doesn't care about everything you tell him either.
Literally says ~I know you’re so sick of hearing about it but today thing on ark happened with this breed of dinosaur and this breed and this breed and this specific piece of equipment!
But won’t hesitate to let me know he’s sick of my interests and that I annoy his friends with them.
. Dump him, this is a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Told him, he acknowledged it and went back to vidya talk five minutes afterwards and ignores that I don’t ask questions or engage with it beyond listening and saying “mhmm..ok..oh wow crazy..uhhuh”
It’s as if he prefers this to having actual conversation.
He’s not even the autistic one in the relationship.
It’s a new thing since he got the stupid Xbox and I was happy he was happy at first but he’s gotten obsessed. Still goes to work and shit, just wont stop listing dinosaur breeds and shit like I’m super into the game as well.
For nine years he’s been totally normal and a great conversationalist. Idk wtf has gotten into him.
>>278167>For nine years he’s been totally normal and a great conversationalist.
What about this tho?>But won’t hesitate to let me know he’s sick of my interests and that I annoy his friends with them.
He sounds like a prick.
I’d rather not throw away nine years of very happy living over raptors and mosasaurs, and imo it’s more normal and healthy to solve a minor problem than bail as soon as I struggle.
I wanna know why someone smart and curious would become so goddamn obtuse over a month of playing video game, not file for divorce
said stop taking his bs and demand effort.
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His name if he’s who I think he is is Steven Micheal. He’s Romanianons ex. Pic related.
I guess he wants to start more of his other career stuff first.
Idk. I just feel like shit. I don't know what to do. I never cared for marriage before him and then it became something for me. I just want to cry all day and I feel so duped. He is hurt and keeps on saying how much he loves and sacrifices for me, which he has, and he keeps on asserting he loves me, but I just don't understand why he would say stuff like that to me.
So finally I got it out of him that it's my issues. I'm very neurotic and such.
I don't know how to feel. I feel like I've never been good at my relationship even though I try, but it's like, I don't want pity because I'm so wretched and evil I deserve it.
My bf is great but his mother is driving me insane. She has weaponized helplessness and demands my bf give her rides everywhere multiple times a week, even to places in easy walking distance, and she's in shape and able bodied so there is no excuse for it. I'm certain she's just lonely and using it as an excuse to demand attention. Our city has amazing transit, and his mother lives only a few blocks away from me and it's a very walkable neighborhood, I walk to all the places she demands a ride to. He keeps canceling dates with me because he's exhausted from driving her around all the time. And he told me this is AFTER he's ALREADY set boundaries with her. I'm getting really fed up with it. Learn to fucking say no. Just say no, say you already have plans. I'm tired of being put last. I've been going out with him for 2 years and he's responsive when I ask him to improve on something, so I don't want to dump him, but I've spoken with him about this before and it keeps happening.
I don't speak to my parents and am not sure what a healthy relationship with your mother looks like, so I'm second guessing myself a bit, but it's pretty out of line to cancel a date with your gf to take your mother to a grocery store she can walk to, isn't it?
Thanks anons, appreciate the responses.>>278256>>/pol/tard but supports trannies and hates women, jews and black people
Oh god, we all know where this is headed ladies…
you're not his priority, either for reasons he doesn't care about you enough or his mother is manipulative and he doesn't know how to stand up for himself. how long have you been dating this guy?>>278324
anon, are you afraid of taking risks? if you really want to get married, if you feel like marriage will symbolize something deeper for you, jump on the train with him and tell him you
want to get married to him. don't keep it one sided and have him tug you along. my bf and i established we had our imagination running with visions of us being married and having kids within weeks of the beginning of our relationship. maybe a retarded thing to do, but it helps give us the idea we really want our relationship to work out and communicate effeciently. if it's a long term thing you want and not just a few years, he's going to treat marriage like low priority thing to reconsider often if you're not estatic at least a little bit. do you
talk about a distant future together, like getting a place together or just buying little things here and there to share with each other?
Is it wrong to have sex with a guy if he's not your boyfriend? Am I ruining a possible relationship by doing this?
I'm having sex regularly with a guy friend. We hang out a few times a week. Usually we cook together, have sex, cuddle, and go out for a walk or to do some activity together. We kiss too, even outside sex. We've talked about eventually dating, which is fine with me.
Does this mean he actually likes me? He doesn't act like other guys who have been attracted to me. He's very casual about it, he doesn't seem desperate for my affection or attention. I like the way he is, I like that we can be actual friends, but I wonder if what we do means anything to him. Or if he's even interested in me. He strokes my hair and makes me compliments, but I don't know if he means it. I asked him what he thinks and he said that he likes me, and that he likes the sum of us and what we're building, and that he wants to eventually date.
But then a friend of mine told me that I shouldn't sleep with him or do "girlfriend things" if I'm not his girlfriend because that means he will not feel the need to compromise, and that he will keep using me for sex. This made me feel insecure. I don't think it's true that all guys want low compromise sex, and that all women hate sex and only do it to keep their men. It seems ridiculous. I enjoy having sex with him, that's why I do it. Now I feel like I'm not manipulating him enough into dating me. I doubt he's using me, but now I can't get that idea out of my head.
For context I've never been in a relationship before, and he and I are both 20.
He's not having sex with other girls, he'd tell me if he was. Although he said he wants to fuck one of his male friends, which I don't mind. They haven't done it yet, though.
I don't know if he wants to be in a relationship or not.>>278399
Yes, I want to date him. I just don't know how to handle it.
I think it's his mom, he's vented to me about her before. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with her but she's always had serious issues and has refused therapy. I just need him to tell her that if we already has plans with me, he will honor his obligation, and his needy mother will not starve to death waiting 1 more day for a ride to the grocery store, or she can take the bus or walk or pay for a lyft like anyone else. We've been going out 2 years and this happens every few months. It's nice that he loves his mother but I personally have zero patience with dysfunctional grown adults who weaponize helplessness because they're lonely and too 'tistic to make friends. Apparently she has always been really annoying and demanding and stubborn. She has literally 4 grocery stores in walking distance of her apartment and still demands rides everywhere. She's just manipulating him into keeping her company because she has no life.
I've only met her once and that was by accident. I think to some degree he's protecting me from the crazy. But I need him to keep his dates and be able to tell his mother he already has plans. I've spoken with him about it before, he understands and agrees with me, but still won't do it.
I want to feel like I am his priority.
We use a condom and I don't really mind if he fucks other people. It's really none of my business.
I'm bisexual, too. I don't mind that he likes men.>>278412
I don't think he'd lie to me about it because there's no reason to lie. I wouldn't mind if he were with someone else. He doesn't have a gf. I thinkd I'd known at this point, I know his phone's password. I think he'd just be honest about it. We're pretty open.
I trust him. I wouldn't have sex with someone I don't trust. And he has given me zero reasons to be distrustful, as I'm aware of where he is and what he does most of the time. I know who he has a crush on or who he's been with. He's a good friend, above anything else.>>278414
I don't like monogamy. If polygamy doesn't work for you, that doesn't mean it won't work for me. I have different standards for a relationship. It isn't evil or retarded to prefer other type of arrangements, as long as things are being talked and there's honesty.
Do you realize those are not contradictory statements, right?
I see no point in jealousy, and I've avoided dating so far because most people are very jealous and possessive.
My bad for asking for advice in lolcow, of all places.
Joke's on them becauase I have a crush on someone else, and I'd like to bring them into my existing fwb arrangement (if they'd like it, of course.)>>278424
Being ugly is not a crime or has any moral value, retard.>>278425
That's not quite the issue here.>>278427
I second this. A lot of people I know have these sorts of arrangements and it is just fine. I'd rather talk about it than being cheated on. Monogamous people seem to get cheated on quite often, I wonder why…
Yes, we get tested. No, we don't have fetishes. Just vanilla sex and cuddling.>>278459
The type of arrangement that I want is that the two of us, plus another guy, have a relationship of three people. The guy in question is our crush, and the guy seems to be into the two of us.
I don't really care what he calls me, the title doesn't change how the relationship actually works.
As a dependent/anxious attachment person how do I break things off? I've never successfully broken up with a guy even though I've tried, it's only when he breaks it off with me I'm nearly relieved and it stays.
He has a kid who won't be introduced to me yet (I agree). We were on the balcony and he suddenly asked me to get inside, turns out he thought his kid was coming. On one hand I get it, on the other it was humiliating, was there really no better way to handle that?
On top of that he's been treating me gradually less respectfully. Because I ultimately stay it's been getting worse I think, just by tiny bits.
For example, I'm on my period and yesterday he asked for a blowjob outright and apologised a lot once he saw my face of disdain. In terms of oral its always been hugely in my favor, rarely I'd ask if he wants one and he'd say only if you want to, but the precedent is that he never asks, only if I've offered it a lot that night or something.
Maybe these examples don't seem egregious but it's been near a year and he's been so careful and eager to please that those examples felt like a shock to the system. For the balcony thing I walked out of his apartment immediately.
But I can't help but keep thinking of the potential of it getting better. I don't know, it's so difficult for me.
How is asking for a blowjob disrespectful when you're in a relationship? It's not like he's your college professor, he's your boyfriend.
Either way, just tell him you don't have feelings for him anymore and don't want to see him anymore, there's nothing he can do about that.
Because the whole premise of our sexual behavior is we only do stuff if we want to, I've told him before that asking puts me off, plus he said just for 5 minutes, as if it's a service to bargain for. It gave me the ick, I hate it when men ask for sexual favors. >>278531
I try actually break up then backtrack, or think about it and cling closer. It always fills me with fear to actually do it. >>278522
Thank you, it's good advice to keep in mind. When I say dependent I mean I think to a severe degree, like I think it's mental illness. When I'm coupled and my partner treats me nicely I feel good about myself, but if he treats me not so nicely I feel bad as in I'm a bad person, my self esteem is closely tied to his perception of me. God forbid I ever get with an actual abuser. So breaking it off really truly feels like killing off a part of me.
To be honest walking out yesterday is the most assertive thing I've maybe ever done, usually I'd start prepping to go then tell him I'm annoyed and stay and rationalise. I'm even questioning if it was shitty. I think it was, in no circumstances should you tell your partner to hide, right? I mean I'm not sure if I'll be leaving the country come November so I do get it, but ugh.
The oral thing, I've always been turned off when outright asked for one but I do enjoy doing it of my own volition when the mood strikes me. I've learnt to let bfs know that. They can drop hints or subtley test the waters but something about them outright asking is a mood killer. You're not on your own in that way. I strongly disagree with the anon saying that oral is something you just do for bfs because of your period. An attitide like that will turn oral into more and more of a chore over time.
>dependent/anxious attachment style >he has a kid
Probably saving yourself a rollercoaster of emotions by getting out now.
I don’t know if this is more of a vent or what. Recently, I have been seeing/dating this guy. He’s really great in so many ways. We have the same taste in music, doesn’t want kids, he doesn’t like hookup culture, has never been to a bar or strip club, pro-choice, works out, not terminally online, and hates the trans agenda. He’s cute in a lot of ways too.
What bugs me is that he is so socially awkward? It’s like he’s stunted or something. I almost wonder if he’s autistic, but I don’t want to ask. He’s not always emotionally available if I want to vent (although he makes an effort). He also just has no idea how to be sexy, any time I flirt he sort of dodges it and doesn’t know how to respond. Also, despite him being the much older one, he only works part-time jobs, while I already have a career going. I dunno, I feel like I hit the jackpot and I do have attraction for him, but he’s just such a tease and it gets a little annoying. He’s sweet and all, but immature and so socially awkward in conversation sometimes. I guess you have to have trade-offs in any relationship though, I’ve never met a guy that had such good values before.
The enjoyment is from pleasing your partner and watching them enjoy it. I mean there are no nerve endings giving you pleasure in your mouth obviously.
If you only ever give oral sex when you are "in the mood for it" then.. well I guess it explains why so many men complain about never receiving it. When you're feeling horny you might as well have proper sex. In my opinion oral sex is for when only one partner feels in the mood and the other doesn't want to have proper sex or can't due to menstruation or health reasons. And for foreplay of course, but I don't really count it if it's not to completion. I don't mind doing things for my boyfriend that mostly benefit him since he does the same for me if I ask for it. I also would rather he come to me and ask if I am up for it than go jerk off to porn, but I guess that's not everyone.
The more you go into detail the less I agree kek. But I think what we agree on is that you should give oral only when you want to.
Yeah it's just such a strange take to me. If I want to give oral I'll offer. If I'm not offering, he knows I don't want to. And yeah I'd give oral if I'm not in the mood but had the desire to make him happy, but I think no way should he ask me it. It'd be like him walking up to me and asking hey can you make me dinner? It's rude af
I’m 25, he’s 31. We’ve both been out of a relationship for a year. >>278565
Not asexual, since he’s had 2 long-term girlfriends before me. I had to really pull the sex conversation out of him and even then it was brief. However, both of his exes cheated on him and while I know cheating is always wrong (it sucks and it’s what happened in my last relationship), I can’t help but wonder if it’s because he wasn’t satisfying them. >>278568
He seems adept enough to want to go on walks and visit public gyms? But yeah, he did tell me he doesn’t visit bars because people “are aggressive”. I’m not a drinker anyways.
We’ve only been seeing eachother for around 2 weeks now, so maybe things will change. Maybe he is just really slow when it comes to anything romantic? It just feels so middle-school sometimes with how he talks to me, but he’s nice. I’ve had too many experiences with fuckboys that are more forward, so this is just very different.
you could not have misread this worse if you tried
it's not that it's a red flag, it's just that it's not a green flag either because moids will hate these things for moid reasons, not the same ones we do. so don't see it as some sort of a saving grace when it's accompanied by turbo autism.
And honestly I think it’s because he was raised by his mother (who now has a wife of her own). He had an abusive
father that left early. Maybe there’s incel reasons but I think it’s just because he was raised with mostly women.
>>278563 >If you only ever give oral sex when you are "in the mood for it" then.. well I guess it explains why so many men complain about never receiving it
Is it honestly a foreign concept to you that some people do get horny for going down on their partner and that it can be an enthusiastic act for both? That it's not a service act to everyone and you can initiate it and get off on it as the giver too? >When you're feeling horny you might as well have proper sex.
Sometimes you just want to go down. You don't want piv. That's the point. You can enjoy acts that are giving and it's not just you doing your partner a favor to hold them over til PIV is happening again. It can be the main event if you're into it
Yeah I don’t mind the age gap, I just expected a guy that’s in his 30s to be a little more mature and have more job prospects. I already have a full-time job and career, while he’s still working a part time job (I didn’t know this until recently). There’s lots of times where I feel way more of an adult than him, and it’s a turn-off. I expected more experience.>>278586
Yes it does feel like there’s some sort of masculinity missing to him. He isn’t very suave in any way, and I’m more of a romantic. I don’t want a man hoe either but damn I’m just not getting anything. A lot is just making me cringe.
I only had 1 relationship of 5 years, so dating and navigating through this has been tough. Thanks to anons that responded. I might just wait a little longer and see what happens (not like I have anything else going on), and if nothing improves I’ll move on.
I wouldn't usually sweat 5 or 6 years if things are otherwise alright but yeah him being the older one and yet being stunted without a good explanation is the bigger issue. He's had over a decade of adulthood to notice and seek out answers for whatever underlying issue is holding him back all this time.
Is he making rent working part time?
This. It's a slippery slope when people start treating certain forms of sex as something you don't have to be in the mood for. Oral isn't an exception to the rule.
I hate the thought of young women coming on here for advice and seeing shit like that being repeated to death like it's normal. I'm not uptight about bjs. I like giving them but seeing them referred to like that.. yeah that isn't a healthy outlook. Makes them sound like housework you have to tick off your chore list.
Nta, of course all men want blowjobs but doesn't mean you have to give them. I didn't give my last ex of nearly 4 years a single blowjob because I set the boundary from the beginning that wasn't gonna happen. Did give handjobs tho.
Set clear boundaries from the beginning and don't allow them to be crossed. If you don't do that it's easy to snowball into degen shit because he asks for a bit more every time.
I’m not trying to attack you so please don’t take offense. I’m just being blunt and going to try to give some real advice. Insecurity and anxiety can lead to manipulative behavior that’s just as toxic
and harmful to the people you’re doing it to as intentional malicious manipulation meant to abuse can. A lot of people who are manipulative don’t see themselves like it. They learned early in childhood I press these buttons I get what I want. Maybe you even had a neglectful parent?
In cases like this things that can be manipulative are things that make your feelings other peoples fault or responsibility. This can be a lot of things. From acting upset over better opportunities, getting defensive when friends hang out with other people, to shaming people for their opinions with person attacks instead of respectful debate that doesn’t come down to them as a person. >>you’re really going to hang out with them >>hey you know when you do (basic part of your personality that isn’t harmful, like getting excited over seeing every dog or not wanting to go out when it rains) it upsets me and you should stop. (Just because you don’t understand doesn’t make their feelings invalid.)
For the relationships you’ve recently lost the best things is to at this point respect it. They most likely don’t want to resume and you can’t force them to. If you try and don’t respect their request for space you are being manipulative and crossing boundaries. If you want to do anything. I’d say.>>”I didn’t know you felt that way and I’m sorry. I will respect your space and if some point you feel comfortable, I’d like to know my behaviors that upset you so I can work on them for my future relationships. Thank you for your friendship up until now though and I wish you the best.”
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Is it bad to want your partner to take care of himself?
My husband has kind of let himself go throughout the lockdown. I am the only person that works out, when he is the type to just spend his time in front of a PC after work and order pizza. I want us to work out together, we even own scooters (not enough space to have bikes here), dumbbells, ring fit adventure game… He doesn't seem to want to do anything new with his life, really. I supported him in learning a new hobby from the start, and it worked, he is fixated a lot on it and i am happy to watch him progress, but I wonder if it's bad that I wish we could be fit, not just me. I admit I am really into muscular men, and back when we first met he at least used dumbbells (to impress me of course, all of the honeymoon phase crap). I openly told him that I would want him to go back to working out, but he just said that he doesn't want to, and I should just accept him the way he is. But really, it's not even about the appearance part, I generally want us to be both healthy and take good care of ourselves! I wonder if I could somehow figure out if there is a way to put short workouts in his schedule. He works a lot, so he is always tired, so he has time only for his language learning and a bunch of personal projects. I feel bad, feeling like I am asking for too much, after all I understand what it's like.
When you say "let himself go" what level are we talking here? Because theres a big difference between someone dropping all their healthy habits and becoming an unhealthy mess vs someone who is the exact same as before minus a dumbbell routine. I think if its just
the workouts and everything else is still healthy (his diet, walks to the store/to work/etc./rodes the scooter regularly) then imo he might not die of obesity kek
My guess he's not trying to fall too fast because of him being previously cheated on. If they were long term then he's probably a little more worried of falling in the same trap. On top of that, do you know anything about his upbringing? Were his parents good together? Growing up in a toxic
household can also stem into how he carries out his own relationships due to not having those role models.
No. I was with someone who put on 100 pounds. I was no longer attracted to them. I thought it wouldn’t matter but the first time a stomach gets in the way it’s just not sexy. They’re a blob. Fat men are gross to me.
If you’re not attracted them don’t do anything with him and if he gets upset tell him you’re not attracted to him. Don’t have to be mean. But you also shouldn’t force yourself to like someone you don’t.
You're completely brain dead, holy fuck
The same could be said for eating pussy
>>278750>we know lesbians top the charts for domestic violence.
Album: Domestic Violence
Time on Billboad's Top One Hundred: [Make your own joke here]
Who's baiting who? All it takes is for me to even type the word "poly" and you all start seeing red and seething kek. Here, I'll test it out:
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I've seen this time and time again. If he's suddenly breaking up with you, it's actually not that sudden. Hes probably thought about it for a good while beforehand and decided something or someone else would be more pleasurable or exciting to give his attention to. He got into a good relationship and got scared like a fool. That's how men are, they chase what's exciting, discard what's good for them and they will give you a bullshit pseudo-introspective reason for it to "not hurt you" (more accurately- reconcile their ego with the fact that they're being a dickhead, and to make you not too angry so you can be put on the backburner if the other opportunity falls apart).
The most powerful thing you can do is research no contact method (for your own moral support and motivation) and give him exactly the breakup he asked for. Radio silence, total avoidance.
I've done this every time sudden hearbreak happens to me and every single one was shocked I didn't cry and even try to ask him what went wrong. Just an "Alright. Goodbye." Every single one crawled back eventually to breadcrumb and try to get back in my good graces. Usually took less than a year. And by then I am so over them and amused by their regret.
Don't even keep him on any social media. He wants you out of his life, give him just that. If he's even half as decent as you probably imagine he is, he will falter and apologize after a while. Whether you want him back or not, know that if he was as good as your idealized image of him, he wouldn't even let this happen in the first place. A scrote is a scrote is a scrote.
nayrt but this is great advice, nonnie
. moids are so retarded
Thank you for this, it made me feel a little bit more sane. For the past week I've been feeling so awful about myself, but now that I've thought about the situation as a whole more and talked about it I'm just angry and glad that it ended before we got too involved with each other. I just hate how many times he touched me knowing what he was going to do as soon as the vacation was over. You're probably right that it wasn't sudden. I guess I was trying to rationalize it because I don't understand how anyone could do something like this in general, I don't think I knew him like I thought I did. I'll try this out. >>279067
That's what I'm thinking now too. There's no way he could've met someone while on vacation but now I think he was definitely in contact with someone from his past while we were together and probably before the vacation even started, just testing the waters in the very least. His explanation just makes less and less sense the more I think about it.
Like….it just makes me so grossed out. I like sucking his dick and doing stuff like that but it just makes me feel so disgusting he'd love the idea of 2 or 3 girls doing that. It just is such an intrusive thought I don't know how to deal with it. It just makes me depressed. I hate how I continually sabotage my relationship like this. I make huge deals out of little thing when he treats me so well and he really doesn't want anything crazy sexually. I just feel so broken and I wish my mind didn't get stuck on these things. Like, oh, it doesn't matter to me he said the same thing about anal - he's very opposed to anal, but it just digs and digs at me in regards to this.
Idk I wish I weren't so fucked up. I wish I could have a normal relationship and not fight over little things. Like, i feel like my mind is so fucked up because I feel like the other person has to think a certain way or they don't love me or it's not fair because they aren't exactly like me in a certain way and I just hate it. I don't allow myself to fantasize sexually because I've always just wanted to enjoy it with the person I'm with. I just hate this. I don't want to change because I want someone to love me for who I am, but I feel like shit because it's like I want to change him for something that isn't even going to affect us.
I want my boyfriend to lose weight, but I don't know how to bring it up. I have two small, inconsequential reasons, and one BIG reason.
1. I've seen pictures of him at lower weights and while I love and desire him now, holy. shit. He was a male stripper ffs, he was cut.
2. He's told me that his dick is huge when he's at a lower weight and I believe him. It would make sex better for me.
Like I said, those reasons don't really matter that much to me, I already love how he looks and our sex life is great.
But the third reason is big. I'm worried about his health. His joints are hurting all the time, he has constant heartburn, and when he sleeps, he snores - LOUDLY - and sometimes he stops breathing for up to 30 seconds at a time. I've brought this up to him by asking him to see a doctor about it, and he says all the doctor will tell him is lose weight. He said he loses weight super easily, and every summer he ends up getting super fit, but it's August and there's been weight gain, if anything.
I don't want him to feel bad about his body - he's already said he doesn't like his body, and I don't want to make it worse. I want him to feel good about himself, physically and mentally. How do I broach the subject?
I can't control what he eats, he does the cooking. I've asked him to cut back on his drinking but that's not an option. I want to have a long, healthy, active life with him. I'm afraid I won't if he keeps on the same lifestyle path. What the fuck do I say????
in the same exact boat as you nonnie
, it's such a difficult subject to broach. I was thinking of starting the gym with my bf to encourage him, as he used to work out.
Stop gaslighting yourself. It's absolutely normal and valid
to be upset about the fact that your boyfriend basically told you he wants to have sex with someone who is not you, even if you are included in this fantasy. It's a fucked up thing to say and he should have kept it to himself, but it honestly says a lot about him.
Before I got married I decided to set pretty clear boundaries at the start of every relationship when it comes to infidelity and other women and one thing I made clear at the start aside from not being ok with porn is that I will NEVER participate in a threesome and even asking me for that will be the end of the relationship because to me that is basically like saying "you are not enough for me, I want to have sex with women who are not you". It's basically cuckoldry and men should stop being comfortable with admitting they want to cuck you. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you told him your biggest fantasy is being spitroasted by two men with bigger dicks than him while he watches. It's hurtful to tell your partner you want to have sex with someone else. You are not fucked up for feeling hurt by that.
I asked if he'd want to join a gym and he was actually really excited by the idea! So that's a good start.
I also just asked if he'd be willing to cook healthier meals with more proteins and fats, less carbs (framed it as a favour for me since I'm putting on some extra weight too) and he said he'd start looking up recipes.
I hope this works. I just want him to be healthy and fit.
He wasn't saying he wanted a threesome. We were talking about fetishes and what we would think of other people if they liked certain fetishes and somehow we got onto the topic of anal and he was saying casually that like threesomes, it's an idea he'd never actually want to do, but he found the idea fine in of itself.
Idk maybe I am gaslighting myself. I don't know how to talk to him about it because I bitch about everything.
Does your man call you bringing up your feelings and concerns "bitching?" Does he make you feel unreasonable? Shut down conversations when you try to tell how you feel? Make you feel like your thoughts are a burden?
Then he does not respect you. If he doesn't respect you, he can't love you. If your boyfriend respected you he would listen to you - even about stuff he doesn't agree with, even if you're telling him things that make him feel bad.
When I tell my boyfriend something he did or said is upsetting to me, he doesn't make me feel like I'm a pain in the ass, even if he doesn't think it's a big deal. He listens and asks questions and we try to work problems out together. If your boyfriend doesn't do that, you need to get rid of him. He is making you doubt yourself as a partner and as a person. Not okay. You need to be with someone who makes you feel like you can open up without fear of repercussions.
I feel like I've made him afraid of the reprecussions of speaking openly around me. I don't want to contribute more which is why I'm hesitant to make an issue of this He isn't a guy that watches porn, he's very straight edge and he acts like he respects me despite the fact I'm a bpdfag. The fact I'm a bpdfag means I make things difficult in our relationship due to my paranoia that is unfounded and based off my terrible relationships with other men in my life. I can imagine it's exhausting for him, hence why I call it bitching. He himself does not call it that.
If a woman said she liked the idea of threesomes only in theory, but not in reality, I think that would be crazy for her man to dump her over that.
You're probably right. I'm used to dating guys that make everything into a big production and argument. Feeling a little silly that it took anons pointing that out to realize it, but hey, that's what advice threads are for.
where did this retarded saying come from? it's self-contradictory
anyway, group sex and threesomes consistently rank among the top fantasies for both men and women. he straight up told you he prefers to keep it as a fantasy. ignore the retards replying to you who have never had a long term relationship in their lives. if you start feeling like shit about yourself and/or break up with someone the moment they fantasize about someone else or confess to a sexual preference you don't want to fulfill, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of insecurity and loneliness.
Yeah. I know he's not evil, it's just, how do I as a person calm myself down over this? I know he doesn't mean it personally, but I take it personally. I don't think he'd be offended if I ever said I had that fantasy, and I don't, not really, because it scares me. >>279135
Could you explain what you mean more? You're basically saying it's bad because then men hold women to these insane standards and that isn't fair because not all women are insane monogamists like some of us. Right? >>279139>>279159
The thing is, it's not like he was saying he wanted to do it. He wasn't even saying he fantasizes about it as of now. He was just talking about fantasies in general. Before me, he used to watch porn, nothing crazy, but yeah, I'm guessing he would watch threesomes and group sex at times. He was saying it like it was nice to maybe imagine in theory, but he wouldn't actually like it irl even if he weren't in a relationship. And inb4 he still watches porn, he is very committed to not watching porn and I've seen that he means it. It's just I am so sensitive that I take this type of shit personally when it was before I existed in his life.
He's told me multiple times that he doesn't care if I would want it, he is very much so against anal. He finds it disgusting on a biological level. He doesn't condone it because he thinks it is too easy to spread viruses and other disease with it. I cannot imagine him ever seriously wanting a threesome either because he is strictly monogamous.
I feel like people don't understand I don't actually believe he wants this shit, I just want to know how as a BPDfag to mentally cope with this.
We've been together for 5 years, it's silly I am freaking out about this given all his other qualities. He prides himself on being vanilla and is very happy with our sex life, he is the type of guy who cums in like a minute or less so he's never been into fetishes for real because it's a waste of time for him. It works for me because I cum insanely fast as well. I just have a terrible habit of taking everything personally and being too sensitive.
I guess the good news is that because of all this conversation I decided I need to hone my DBT skills and I'll be joining a group for that and I think I'll look for a therapist again. I don't engage in BPD behaviors, but I do engage in the thought patterns still and I clearly need help regulating them.
lmao at comparing fantasies about rape and fantasies about threesomes as both being the same "undesirable and disgusting shit". you sound unhinged.>>279198
yeah and we'd be laughing at that boyfriend for being an insecure loser who's jealous of a fantasy >>279185
again, look up how insanely common this fantasy is. i guess everyone is an ugly incel loser except for you who is bitter and seething over what kind of sex other people are having?
I do think it's possible to have 'its only hot in my head' type fantasies, ones that'll never leak into real life anyway. Tbh it's a good sign if he's able to differentiate. Plenty of men chase up every lil sexual thought that enters their mind and that's when it's a problem.
I have fantasies I'll never seek out irl. Part of it is that I'm a germaphobe and these fantasies exist in a land where germs don't lol. I've stopped even telling partners about these thoughts because… there's nothing really gained from disclosing it. They either want to act it out (which I don't actually want) or they get it into their head that I'm not fulfilled without it? Sometimes sharing these thoughts is more hassle and worry than its worth. Especially if your partner struggles with overthinking things already.
Break up with him. A good bf would be empathetic, understanding, and take care of you during your period instead of being a misogynistic asshole.>>279257
I agree. It's so normalized for men to be degenerate that women just lie down and accept it. It's ok to have standards and self-respect. In fact, there's a higher likelihood you'll find your ideal partner that way instead of wasting your time settling for degenerate dime-a-dozen men.