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No. 272509
>>272484>since there is a chance I'll want kids later, I'm not sure if it's smart to continue a relationship with someone who isn't interested in the idea. But anon you could be dating a guy who's on the fence like you and still end up mismatching in 5-10 years because you decided you want them and he decided he doesn't. Or you could be dating someone who definitely wants them and end up mismatching because you end up deciding you don't want kids after all.
Normally I'd 100% agree with absolutely not dating someone you know who has a different wish regarding kids from you but what are you gonna do if you don't know what you want yet? Not date for 5-10 years until you finally do? I mean I guess it's an option but who wants that.
Personally, if you know you're learning towards not having kids I'd take the goddamn risk and date the man (if he still wants to date you knowing you're undecided). There's no way of planning for something you haven't made up your mind up about so you might as well take the risk. Or not if that's not worth it to you.
No. 272514
>>272509Let's be real, most women eventually want kids. Even the once who say they for sure don't want any ever in their early 20s change their tune in their 30s. Someone who is "unsure" and already thinking about it this way will eventually want them. It's better to find a guy who wants kids too.
In my personal opinion it's also a huge red flag if a guy doesn't want kids. It's like he's admitting that he wants no responsibility ever and is probably a hedonist who will try to find his "fulfillment" in other ways. Usually by partying forever and never growing up.
No. 272523
>>272514>Let's be real, most women eventually want kids.I find it curious you say that when fewer women want kids as we gain rights, education and financial independence. This is an actual statistic trend if not downright considered a "problem" in developed countries. Maybe 60 years ago it was true but I don't think it goes without saying that a woman will eventually want kids in the year 2022 whatsoever.
>In my personal opinion it's also a huge red flag if a guy doesn't want kids. It's like he's admitting that he wants no responsibility ever and is probably a hedonist who will try to find his "fulfillment" in other ways. Usually by partying forever and never growing up.I know we hate men here but you're making big assumptions on the characters of all men who don't want kids based on that one factor completely disregarding any consideration a man might have for not wanting kids and their levels of responsibility and maturity in other aspects of their lives.
How is this relevant anyway? Even if true, what does it matter that "all men who don't want kids are irresponsible party beasts" if she decides she doesn't want kids 10 years from now?
No. 272527
>>272484How old are you? Most relationships have an expiration date anyway, 5 years is already a long time, I'd suggest you have fun with the guy and see later if you still want kids and if he hasn't changed his mind, it's not like you'll never be able to find another man after him.
>>272514>In my personal opinion it's also a huge red flag if a guy doesn't want kids. It's like he's admitting that he wants no responsibility ever and is probably a hedonist who will try to find his "fulfillment" in other ways. Usually by partying forever and never growing up.That doesn't make sense, should women who don't want children swear off dating then? Also I've met a lot of guys who don't want children and they don't party much or even at all, if anything it's the fuckboys in their 20s who decide to settle down in their 30s because that's expected of them.
No. 272532
>>272526>>272525I don't discuss parenthood with many males but my anecdotal personal experience with this subject is closer to
>>272527 example, self obsessed fuckboys that think their DNA is so important to spread are the ones who early on say they want to have children. Having that bias for me personally eagerness for fatherhood is more of a red flag than a cautious approach, considering how much responsibility and challenge it is to raise and provide for a child well.
No. 272534
>>272512>>272527I'm 24, he's 26. You're right, I should focus on fun instead of the far future. My fear was just if we do have a long term situation and this becomes an issue, I don't want to feel like a fool since he let me know his expectations from the beginning. I know I don't want kids in my twenties but kinda worry I'll change my mind in my thirties like
>>272514 mentioned.
>>272509>>272512This put things in perspective, thanks nonnies. I'm stressing out over one "what if" when there's many other "what if"s to consider, it's better for me to wait a little longer until I'm more concrete on what I want.
If this helps with "dudes not wanting kids" debate: the issue doesn't seem to be immaturity. He's very responsible, has a good job, a nice house and car, takes care of himself, doesn't drink or party, etc. Based on what he's told me he just doesn't see himself being a good father and has issues with his own father that prevents him from desiring kids. So he'd rather enjoy the freedom of a kid-free life than worry about the struggles of parenting.
No. 272619
File: 1656535996294.jpeg (118.93 KB, 933x703, 1570232220979.jpeg)
>>272614
you have no experience with females because we can smell your autism
now kill yourself
No. 272714
>>272523The reasons birthrates are going down are economical, not because women suddenly stopped wanting to have kids. It's because the cost of living is so enormous that a lot of people can not afford childcare and have to work two jobs just to pay for their expensive apartments in the city.
Idk what to do about the dilemma of finding a man if you don't want kids, I stand by my point that most men who don't want kids are hedonists and just don't want them because they are selfish and don't want to share the attention of their girlfriend with anyone, don't want responsibility and want to spend all their money on their own hobbies. Good luck I guess.
>>272518>I'm 30 and this definitely is not a true statement for majority of my friends around my age. Sorry but someone who uses lolcow.farm is probably not representative of the majority of the population since most people here are NEETs and not normies
No. 272740
I just want to say that I think it's really cute how
>>272723 anon says women in their 30s are "barely out of their diapers", feels like I'm talking with a slightly bitter but still loving grandma
No. 272760
>>272754>I think if he picked up working out or fashion/styling himself or anything that showed he gives a shit about his appearance or made him more appealing I'd like it but he doesn'tWhy does he not care to go to the gym if he's self-concious about his looks as you said? He can't change his face but a fit, attractive body is a choice, he can built and sculpt it as desired and it'd undoubtly help a lot in the confidence/sexual energy department. I think you're going to need to have a serious conversation with him about picking up a gym habit if you haven't already.
Also there's male fashion/styling channels, maybe you can send him some of those so he can watch and learn without you needing to spell it out for him word for word (just watch out for the ones that lean pick up-artisty). It's kinda.. mommying.. him which is far from ideal but you've already been doing that anyway so it's an option to consider.
>>272757I've been thinking about this recently, I think it's because attractive women far outnumber attractive men because of the wack out of balance beauty standards so a lot of women are bound to end up with ugly men if they insist on having a partner. You can even see this in hollywood with women who've got all the desired beauty and money will still end up with ugly moids one after another.
No. 272895
>>272855Let him kill himself. Emotional manipulator bitch ass moid
>>272799>>272766>>272767>>272760In my case before the relationship got mundane after we moved in together and I was exposed to his flaws and having to mommy him sometimes, I could see past his physical appearance and was madly attracted to him based on personality alone, and some idolized version of him I had in my head… Now that everything is mundane and dull I end up getting these hang ups over appearance and lack of "sexual energy" and I can see that he's very ugly, has always been, and I knew it. I just choose to ignore it because the ugliness was obscured by other things. I won't break up though because I like his companionship, we also have a business together so (I built it but he works with me and helps a lot) it's not easy. He's just not getting any pussy or girlfriend type of affection from me, we're like friends living together as of right now… I'll wait until he gets tired of the situation and wants to move out I guess. He's not seeing anybody else either because he's stuck in the house with me. It's truly a sad situation but I can't ever see my attraction to him rekindling again unless he spontaneously changes
No. 272914
The worst thing I've ever done. Ever. I want to cry.
My bf and i had drunk sex, condom was a non latex brand we'd never tried before, it was painful for me and not staying on properly- and so, stupidly we took it off and continued. I told him I'd take the morning after pill.
I went to get the pill, he came with me, the pharmacist was lovely but when i got the pill i didn't swallow it, i was so scared and negative abortion guilt was playing on my mind (I'm pro choice but i couldn't do it myself). I let it dissolve on my tongue, swallowed it somewhat and then spat some out onto a tissue. My boyfriend doesn't know, he cuddled me because i told him i felt guilty, told me he trusted me and he's been lovely since. I feel so awful, now I'm out of that situation i have no idea what panicked me so much but i also know i was reluctant to go in some ways, i told him it was closed when i knew it wasn't because i wanted to put it off. Its weird because i DO NOT WANT A BABY! I'm scheduled for a coil, I'm terrified of the idea of raising a kid, my boyfriend doesn't want a kid…. And yet i did this. I feel so much guilt. I'm scared to go back to the pharmacist and ask for a new one too, I'm considering making myself vomit, presenting it to my bf and saying "oh no guess we'll go back for a new one!" But that gives me more anxiety since i specifically asked the pharmacist what happens if you throw up, so I'm worried of looking suspicious
No. 273028
>>272945Disagree, the morning after pill has horrible side effects even if you take just one dose. That's probably why the pharmacy denied her a second one. Even if she just dissolved it on her tongue for a while, plenty of it would have been absorbed already. Taking a double dose will probably wreak absolute havoc on the body.
I really don't understand why people take plan b so casually while not understanding the impact it has at all. I regret taking it in the past knowing the incredibly small chance there ever was of me actually getting pregnant. If you know what day of your cycle you are at then you should know the chances of getting pregnant. There is only a small 3 day window in which you can get pregnant every month. If you had sex after you already ovulated then it DOESNT EVEN WORK.
Plan b is not candy and you shouldn't take it unless you know that your ovulation is for sure coming up within the next couple of days.
No. 273032
>>273031Yes, most plan b pills don't work on people who are heavier than 75kg. They also don't work if you already ovulated. It is also pointless to take it if your ovulation is nowhere close to happening (within the first two weeks of your cycle). There is only a very small window in which taking plan b makes sense.
Most women on this site are against taking hormonal birth control because of the side effects it has on our bodies, but see no issue with taking plan b, which is effectively like swallowing 100 birth control pills at once. Side effects from it can last a month or longer. Compared to the relatively small chance of it having any affect on you it is really not worth it. I'd only take it if I was raped.
Pay attention to your cycles and you will never be in this situation nonnies because you will know what your chances of getting pregnant are depending on what day in your cycle you are on. Even if you have unprotected sex on al 4 fertile days around ovulation your chance of getting pregnant is still only 30%.
No. 273090
>>273080when he's sleeping then
>>273071this
>>273083 was my thought too but like
>>273086 said, it's possible there's something worse behind it.
What did he say when you asked him what the contact is for? Like surely he didn't hide his phone and walked away saying nothing? Have you pressed him for answers?
No. 273101
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Well well well, deleting your post after I asked if you are Sriracha and Ripple? Quite sussy indeed.
(it's especially funny since they are both men, as Sriracha is a tranny)
No. 273110
File: 1656786148706.jpg (59.19 KB, 525x381, EdeIwTQXgAAWMpO.jpg)
What the hell is going on in this thread, am I missing something?
No. 273203
>>273193I also think this
>>273198 is what happened. Don't take it personally.
No. 273231
My boyfriend constantly wants me to screenshare games to him when we're apart (distance only allows us to meet biweekly). I've explained to him that A, I'm not all that into video games anymore (spent too much time of my life being highly unproductive) B, when I do play games, it's to relax. Streaming a game, even to the audience of 1 is not relaxing to me, because it feels like a performance and like I can't progress at my own pace. Yet he keeps buying me games and asking me to stream it to him. The problem is there isn't a lot we can do while we're apart anyway, we watch TV series and talk otherwise, but lately whenever we have a planned hang out he starts saying how I should play X or Y game for him. I feel like I'm stuck in a dead bedroom situation, except it's not sex, it's video games. And no, sadly we're not underage.
He's normal and lovely when we just talk unplanned and in-person.
No. 273240
>>273239The thing is, it's not something we really "do" together. I play and try to vocalize my thoughts out loud for it not to be boring, while he doesn't speak much, and only when he thinks I'm stuck on something. It's a very one-sided thing. He apparently doesn't talk much because he doesn't want to throw me off and is interested in my gameplay, but I feel like a TV station he just turned on. And I did express this, but he says I should just relax.
I'd like to play multiplayer games actually, but he dislikes those.
No. 273242
>>273240oh i see now. he just wants to watch you play like you're some sort of twitch streamer?
>he dislikes thosethe whole point of having a bf that likes video games is to play games TOGETHER with him. why doesn't he wanna play something together?
No. 273251
>>273231>>273244Well, he either watches you play the games you like or he doesn't watch at all. You're not his personal entertainment. You'd already be making a concession by streaming for him in the first place when you'd rather not be watched, so he at least has to let you choose the games you want.
I kinda have a similar problem. My bf wants to watch me play games, but I mostly like JRPGs while he wants me to play western games or more mainstream stuff. He always suggests shit I don't want to play, so I don't stream for him at all.
No. 273279
>>273251True, I just didn't want to voice definitive statements like that, because I thought that after me expressing my discomfort with this time after time, he'd stop. But no, it's like a stuck casette tape, he suggests the same program every time, even if I explain it more and more in-depth.
>>273256I doubt that, I think he is just genuinely excited that someone shows interests in the kinda niche games he likes. Only he does not seem to understand that streaming is not fun for me.
Thank you for the inputs!
No. 273287
>>273231Maybe I'm the odd one out but I do this with my bf sometimes. I wouldn't personally compare it to a Twitch streamer because for me (could be the same for your boyfriend, or not) it's comforting and nostalgic to simply watch someone you love play something.
The bigger redflag imo is that he doesn't seem to care or respect that it isn't something you're interested in. He needs to learn how to compromise and accept that streaming isn't something you want to do constantly.
No. 273420
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I want to ask about my sister…
She is 24 now. She is my younger sister. She is overweight, confidence issues, seriously basic (binge watches SVU, Grey's Anatomy, Marvel films on repeat - that's the extent of her interests), single, I would guess maybe a virgin, and just generally a bit of a loser. The thing is I'm not being mean I'm just trying to paint a stark picture of what are the facts.
She is annoying me. She constantly seeks validation from everyone in our family from siblings, cousins, parents, grandparents etc. Everyone is always rooting for her to get her shit together and really live a wonderful life but the fact is she is just lazy. She is so lazy. Recently she moved to the city here with me so she could start a new life and I was really proud of her because it was off the back of exercise and socialising and it looked like she was having her late blooming moment. She moved with this girl she knows and now all the do is sit in their tiny apartment and order Uber eats 3 times a day and eat ice-cream and watch Netflix non-stop. I'm so angry at her. She has everyone always on this journey of self improvement trying to make a movie out of her life saying I'M GUNNA DO THIS! and everyone tries so hard to encourage her but she just never follows through…
She complains she hates her job, she complains she can't get a boyfriend, she complains she's gaining weight. I always tell her well if you want change you have to work for it. She literally can't hear it. She starts telling me I'm being overly critical and judgemental but I'm just fucking sick of it. I used to sit with her when she was in high school and do her maths problems with her one by one because she needed help and it's now like 8 years later and she has not gained a single skill or level of confidence or independence and I'm really frustrated because the fact is it's because she has never once been willing to challenge herself. She just won't do it. She doesn't like the feeling, challenge is hard so she won't do it and so she never changes.
I went over to her apartment after I tried recently to invite her out for drinks, she wanted to go home after like 1 hour. They have dishes piled up, the place stinks, her stupid friend who is worse than her was just stuck to the couch. My sister immediately gets in the oldest t shirt she has and a pair of pyjama pants with stains all over them, like, I don't know, I understand we're family but you know as you get older you just have a general sense that you should stand on a bit of ceremony when you have company you know? So then she tells a story about how she went into the building hall recently in her pyjamas and a cute boy saw her and how disgusting and gross she felt and I was supposed to feel bad for her but I thought… Well yes you fucking should have. Why on earth do you have to be so drab and gross all the time? What's stopping you from just buying a cute pair of pyjamas and lifting your own self image just a little bit so at least you can feel good in your own skin/clothes if god forbid another human ever happens to lay eyes on you. I'm just so sad about it lately. She's my younger sister and I want to support her but she is so boring and entitled and unproductive and I don't think she will ever change at this point.
I know I literally sound retarded because I'm phone posting and I'm tired but ffs. I don't know what to do with her.
No. 273453
>>273441yeah I've dated guys 18-21 and they were actually kinder, more open and understanding than guys 23+. It's like they haven't become jaded and cruel yet.
old men are disgusting, I can't bring myself to date a wrinkled moid with a poor hairline just because he's "age appropriate". Imagine looking old at 25 too. Men truly age like milk.
No. 273487
>>273475Right? I'm not the crazy one for seeing it that way. Honestly think that my friends probably noticed this already and has opinions on it. I feel embarassed.
>>273463I mean, I'd rather him not interact with posts like that. It makes me feel like a cuck.
No. 273616
My boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore. I can see it in his eyes, he forces himself to feel something for me but it’s just not there. Every time I see how he looks at me, I feel like dying inside. He compliments me a lot, tells me that I am beautiful, I am talented, but love isn’t there. He’s more and more distant, disinterested and cold despite his attempts at being warm and caring. I don’t know what to do. I have no place where to go, I can’t leave this apartment, I have no savings to rent a place of my own and I’d commit suicide going back to my mom’s place, my only family left. I am dying inside so much, there is not a single day I don’t spend crying. And no, going to live with another friend is not a possibility. I don’t know what to do…
No. 273623
>>273456Agree with
>>273495 the fact that he's following them in the first place is the bigger issue. Even if he took your instruction and just unfollowed them all it doesn't change the disrespect of him just not taking that initiative himself as soon as he was in a relationship.
I don't even like the thought of dating someone who follows alot of those accounts in advance of dating either. I met a guy lately, took a liking to him but my gut told he's like that.. checked and he basically only follows the ugliest looking guys and yet all the hottest women on earth are in there. It turned me right off. The sheer number of them was what freaked me out. I dropped any ideas I had about dating him.
No. 273731
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>>273729Men say we have it ez because any guy will fuck us when all we have left are guys like this lmao
No. 273738
>>273737She's upset be abuse he didn't compliment her and was more like
meh towards the selfie she sent (bad sign). He's either negging or doesn't really like her appearance, yet he is still going on a date with her, lol.
No. 273753
My boyfriend is schizoid and doesn't like emotional situations/needs a lot of time to himself but lately he doesn't even do the bare minimum of effort. He used to call me codependent but now I give him all the space he wants, I'm doing my own things, I don't complain about him not being affectionate and a bunch of other things I used to get upset about. Still, the last time we had a minor conflict he just didn't talk to me for two days. A friend of mine has covid right now, an d I told my boyfriend that she just said it got worse and he just said "good luck" and went to sleep. I really don't know what I did to deserve this sudden onset of assholery. He just does mean shit like, we were watching a show and were on the last couple of episodes and I said I didn't want to finish the show, but obviously meaning that I was sad that it was over, and he was just like "just tell me if you're not going to watch it so I can watch it on my own, and we can both have what we want."
He used to call me BPD for expressing my emotions, but since then I did my best to suppress any normal need for affection or communication. I said nothing when he ignored me for days. Whenever I say anything slightly negative about his behavior I feel like I'm being punished for it for days. But after years of trauma bonding and him reminding me of my early relationship with my mom I just find it so hard to leave. It just reminds me how I used to wake up and walk into the other room never knowing if my mom was going to hate me that day for some unpredictable reason. I asked him in the past to tell me if he wants to be completely left alone so I don't bother him and receive this treatment, but of course he just got offended by suggesting this extreme amount of communication.
I thought about getting to know other people, but I don't feel like it because men always end up being so gross. My first boyfriend who was "nice" ended up cheating on me a bunch of times. My other ex laughed at me for my hobbies and called me out for wearing pants when I walked him to the train station because I didn't want to be harassed on the way back, but he wanted me to wear skirts. The third one I talked to about my current boyfriend keeps suggesting that I move in with him because he thinks I need someone who is controlling but occasionally nice. I'm so sick of it, as if I wanted to move in with an abusive asshole, sure. I don't want to list all my bad experiences with men but there are a shitload more. Just don't know what to do because I still have a need to feel cared for even if I'm pretty withdrawn by default.
No. 273756
>>273431>Ime dating younger leads to dealing with flakey young guys who lack resilience as soon as any issue pops up.lol
older men and younger men only differ in what issues they bring to the table & degrees of the same issues. you might as well go with the hotter option, that's really the only difference especially with how being a stunted adult is almost the norm nowadays particularly for men
i'm a year older than the op and also have no desire for a serious relationship rn. i'm having a casual thing with a 21 year old guy just because he's easily the most attractive man in my immediate area that i found on tinder. i was fucking shocked at how "men my age" both look so busted you'd think they're actually in their 40s and gaming the settings to go after young women and, at the same time, still have the interests of teenagers. so live it up, plenty of mid/late 20s guys date early 20s girls and no one thinks it's abnormal.
No. 273765
>>273756yeah I'm the original anon and men around 25 started looking really busted kek
the most loyal boy I dated was 18 (I was 21, so not that weird, but still). at that age they also fall in love faster and are willing to do anything for you. older men are just as immature, but jaded, cruel, and ugly.
I dunno what I'll do when I turn 30 and can't date as young anymore bc old men have zero appeal to me, personality or appearance-wise.
No. 273775
>>273753I'm not schizoid but I've dealt with mental health shit before where I just wasn't in any state to really be commiting to a relationship. The illness wasn't likely to make a healthy relationship possible for me. I lived in denial, eventually got dumped, felt sorry for myself because 'but I can't help it' After alot of reflection I can see it for what it was now. Some people with mental health disorders can't give their partner what they need. They can't meet the minimum requiremants of what a relationship needs in order to thrive. It doesn't sound like this is a relationship tbh. Much as people hate to hear this in current year.. some mentally ill people just shouldn't date if they can't communicate or connect.
>He used to call me BPD for expressing my emotionsAnd for him to twist it around like this is pigheaded behaviour. It takes a eggshell walking saint to date an emotionally unavailable person and this is the thanks you get. The least he could do is not take his issues out on you or twist things around to make out like you're abnormal. There's better options out there anon.. this isn't what love should feel like. Even if your previous ex was even worse this still isn't it.
No. 273777
Here's some relationship advice for anyone reading this: never ever ever do an LDR (unless special circumstances apply, like you're already planning to move there, it's a temporary situation, the "long distance" is just neighboring cities etc.)
I ended one just last week and the most painful thing is it probably took a deep, precious friendship of 3 years down with it. No one really did anything wrong but we both found the LDR experience so miserable that it might be just too painful to talk to each other anymore, at least for a long time. We also both realized that it was mainly our Issues that drove us to be "together" as we couldn't connect with the people actually living around us. Gradually getting better at that, finding people I click with and having to turn them down all for some mirage of possibly at some point getting together in real life with my LDR boyfriend definitely caused some resentment too even though I know it's my own fault. I suggested the possibility of being physical with other people while we're apart but he was completely against it which is when I really should have ended things. There's no point in being "exclusive" if you aren't even physically together most of the time. Seriously, I know this thread isn't for that but the whole thing sucks shit, if you're considering an LDR, you should probably instead consider why you aren't catching any fish in the local sea instead.
Sorry, really needed to get this out somewhere since so many people are making this mistake these days.
No. 273778
>>273767I'd love it if he wanted to meet once a month, rip. But he lives abroad, which would be fine, but he's also working on a game right now and doesn't want to be distracted, even for a couple of days and said it will take a few of months to finish, and after that I can "probably" visit. But I haven't seen him in person for a really long time.
I don't like a lot of compliments, I don't like romantic things at all, I just want him to be nice sometimes. And sometimes he is, but it's so rare lately. I've actually been fairly avoidant in my other relationships, and I can get pretty distracted doing things alone, but the way he is makes me feel very disposable which makes me want a bit more reassurance than I would otherwise, which wouldn't be a lot either. He used to say stuff like he cares but now it's guaranteed he'll get offended if I ask about it. But I think it damaged how I see normal relationships, I'm now weirded out by the idea of someone being affectionate with me, and I wouldn't like it if someone made it obvious that they wanted to be with me. I was always very withdrawn but I used to want more normal things, now I feel like I have a mental block about it. It's extremely hard for me to become attached to a real person, he is the first one and before him I only had crushes from a safe distance on unattainable people.
No. 273779
>>273759Just an fyi nonna cuz I got the impression from your post: schizoid != schizo. They are the very opposite of emotional vampires or people who need you as a therapist. But they are neglectful and cold and cause their own issues from that alone.
And there's no really getting better from it without them sacrificing their core selves.
No. 273780
>>273775I thought a lot about the BPD thing recently and I just find it really hurtful looking back. I've always been told that I'm too emotionally withdrawn, I think I'm generally really calm. Every time I tried to express some issue to him there was a reason behind it, and I tried to just communicate, I never yelled or insulted him. He thinks BPD is threatening suicide and becoming stalkerish, but when at one point we got close to breaking up and he didn't talk to me for about two weeks, I left him alone and just tried to move on even though I never felt that sad before. He kept talking about how he didn't want me to hurt myself, but I never did or indicated wanting to, one of his exes did that but not me, and never felt like it either. I never threatened him with anything, I know he is extremely paranoid, like way beyond normal, I never tried to use that against him. I don't have mood swings, didn't have dramatic relationships, don't really do anything spontaneously, don't do reckless things at all, I don't know wtf is so BPD about me other than not being completely emotionally numb. The only thing I can think of is having some abandonment issues which only came out with him because he would punish me with no contact and always react to any perceived conflict by not talking to me, which might be harder on me than on other people, but I doubt anyone else would've felt neutrally about it. And he always said I'll start splitting on him when that never happened, I always felt like I cared about him even if I was sad, I don't think I ever split on anyone. He did some awful emotionally damaging shit to me and when I felt upset about it I began to think I was being difficult and BPD. I just don't get it. I made a huge effort to become more independent and I genuinely require less attention now, now his "you're codep" reasoning doesn't hold up either, now he's just bothered if I dare to assign any importance to him in my life, he gets upset that I want to visit because he is busy and I should just "take no for an answer" (because it's apparently super invasive to his privacy that I asked why he doesn't want to meet), I think most women would wisely not put up with this.
No. 273782
>>273774Yeah my ex was like that. He had ADHD, it gave him a lot of confidence but he was super sensitive to rejection, or perceived rejection.
Men don't respond well to conversations. The way to increase his confidence is subtle good comments/praise about things he does, almost rewarding him like a pavlovian experiment.
No. 273842
https://www.med.unc.edu/beacon/wp-content/uploads/sites/598/2018/03/redflagabusivepersonality.pdfI wish it didn’t take being in an
abusive relationship for me to realize I should never have given men the time of day in general. I look back on my life and wish I would’ve just been happy and content with being alone. All this time, I’ve HAD to have a man there. Why? I think because it’s been drilled into my head all my life that women who are single aren’t happy deep down. They’re pitiful, they can’t do everything on their own. It’s so hard breaking this conditioning. When I find out a woman I know is single, I STILL feel bad for her, when I should be jealous. Fuck growing up as a girl in this world.
No. 273875
>>273842I've been single the entirety of my 20s and it seems insane that anyone would pity me for it when my life is so stress free and good, it's honestly the only thing that upsets me about being single.
Hopefully it's obvious that I'm happy and if I wanted a bf I could get one. I'm not gonna let other people's opinions force me into doing something I don't want to do, but it's still hurtful to think people assume I'm sad or desperate when I give no indication that I am.
No. 273877
My fiance lied to me, and I feel like saying something about it but I'm not sure if I'm reading too far into it. We were not planning on having a wedding ceremony because I don't want one, the idea of a party where I have to be the center of attention stresses me out among other reasons and we agreed that we'd just get married at the courthouse and spend the money we would use toward a wedding to have a really nice honeymoon instead. Well we went to our favorite music festival this year, and they have a chapel where people can get married there. Right before the trip he randomly brings up that he had inquired about having our wedding at the chapel, but they told him they stopped doing weddings there in 2018, the last time we went there. No big deal to me because I don't want to deal with a wedding anyway especially when I'm trying to have fun on vacation. But we get to the festival, and I could have sworn I saw a couple getting married there. I think maybe they're just characters for the festival, because they have a bunch of actors there doing shenanigans. But then I overheard some of our neighbors planning a surprise wedding at the chapel who sound suspiciously like the guys in our camping group. They never mention the name of the bride and groom, and they mention the bride's proposal was supposed to be at the festival in 2020 that got cancelled (my fiance had told me he had planned the same thing). So now I'm freaking out that he has planned a fucking wedding in secret and I'm going to have photos of me in dirty wook mode immortalized as my wedding photos. Thankfully it never came to be, so I assumed it was a weird drug-fueled nightmare or that our neighbors just coincidentally sound like our campmates. But then I come home and see all kinds of posts from real couples who actually got married at the chapel this year. The chapel my fiance told me doesn't do weddings anymore. Not that they don't have availability, that they straight up stopped doing weddings. Let me remind you that I DON'T want a wedding and have been very explicit in telling everyone that I don't want one. So now I'm wondering, what the hell was the point of lying to me about it? I'm a very paranoid person and the fact that he's lied to me feels like a huge red flag, but I'm worried if I bring it up I'm going to end up getting pressured into having a wedding, because why would it bother me if I didn't want one? But I don't want one, I just don't want a partner who lies to me! Do you think it's possible that someone gave him wrong information? Or do you see this as a warning sign?
No. 273936
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>>273842I could've written this myself nona, but I've reached the point where I don't pity myself or others for being single. I truly believe single women are living the good life and I'm sure you'll get there the longer you have time away from relationships. I
hate that I wasted so many years on men that actively dragged me into the mud, but better a trial by fire than living in ignorance. I'm still young and since I've been focusing on myself I've been so much happier and actually accomplishing things. Goals I had thrown to the wayside for the sake of pathetic leeches. It makes me sick to think of how poorly I allowed myself to be treated, but I'm so proud of my progress and excited for the many other things I'll accomplish moving forward.
It takes time. I know everyone says that but it's true and I hope you keep the faith. Believe in yourself, prioritize yourself, and slowly you will start loving yourself to the point you barely even think about the fact you don't have a man in your life. Being free from that mental chokehold is freeing and empowering as fuck. Look forward to it.
No. 273986
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I stopped talking to a former friend because of the combination of his constant emotional manipulation (criticism of my actions, guilt tripping, etc.) + him catching feelings for me. He recently reached out to me again saying that he started therapy and medications and would like to talk and explain himself. After I told him off for the last time a few months ago I have kept silent but he keeps trying to reach out. Another mutual friend who had also broken off with him is also rekindling their friendship. I am tempted to hear out my former friend because I miss the good times in our platonic friendship and deep down I hope he has really changed. Anons, should I give him another chance?
No. 273998
>>273978>people crave touchNot everyone does.
>attentionMaybe, but they can have that need satisfied through friends.
I'm one of those people who needs a loving, passionate relationship to be at my happiest but I can recognize not everyone wants that. I also love being on my own and can be satisfied in the moment with that, but to me nothing beats having a partner who is compatible with you in every way and loves you more than anything. However, I'd rather be content on my own that be with someone who isn't absolutely perfect for me in every way, so for most of my life I've been single.
No. 273999
>>273978I've been single all my life and I'm 24, so I'm used to it and I LOVE my personal space, I love living alone and doing whatever I want whenever I want, without worrying if it's affecting a partner.
I do crave emotional connection and physical touch though. I have flings and short relationships but I simply cannot see how I'll ever bear living with someone and working around them. It's piss me off eventually. I don't want kids either so idk lol. I wish I could forever live in the beginning stages of a relationship, where we live apart and have our own lives but meeting each other is still exciting and passionate.
It's still normal for me to be single, but I'm not looking forward to people shitting on me in my late 20s and beyond for not being married and pregnant as if it's the highest achievement and brings any sort of joy.
No. 274004
>>274000I've had short term relationships. By "been single all my life" I mean 99.99% of the time I'm single.
I don't know if I'll be happier in one. I just love being alone lol. I love being alone but having the option to go to a friend's or guy's house, then go back to mine alone when it gets too much.
No. 274008
>>274002Anon said happier not happy.
I think she sort of has a point- it's true you can't know for certain you wouldn't be happier in a relationship than you already are perma-single but finding a fulfilling, quality, healthy relationship is a tough quest. Most people go through multiple relationships and heartbreak before settling for one for life. Why go through that for the chance to maybe be a bit happier when you're already satisfied and happy with single life? I wish I didn't desire companionship so much because damn relationships have brought me a lot of negative emotions and experiences.
No. 274015
>>273941I was responding to an anon talking about struggling to find comfort in being single after experiencing
abusive relationships, hence the connection to the relationship thread. There's a difference between finding happiness in being alone having never experienced a relationship and in finding it after dealing with heartbreak/thinking you "need" men.
>>273956Not sure how or why you're getting that from my post, but I am indeed happy. I wish the same for you.
>>273950 >>273957Thanks!
No. 274018
>>274011>Why can’t you change your boyfriend every 10 years as you enter a new stage in life and why isn’t it seen as a normal thing but being unstable? Because you grow attached and it's easier and better for you mentally to stick with one person (assuming you're a good match). It's like asking why don't you change your family members.
>if we wouldn’t age and we all stayed young forever, how many people do you think would still choose to marry out of love and not out of necesity and pressure to be “paired up” before a certain age?I'm sure a lot of people settle, but I'd rather gut myself than marry out of some perceived necessity. What fucking necessity, I'm not settling and bearing some idiot just because my mom or dad called me an old maiden
No. 274029
Early 30s couple, f/f
My gf has a phobia of vomiting and as a result is extremely paranoid about food safety, even more than the average Burger. I'm from a place where food poisoning is much rarer than it is in North America but somehow I'm too lax about how long I keep things in the fridge for her. This causes friction because she always questions the safety of the food I make even though I've never given anybody food poisoning, ever. I don't actually keep things in the fridge for too long, I have a thermometer to probe meat when I cook, I clean vegetables way better than she does even, etc. Even when she doesn't say anything negative and eats, I catch her furtively googling some FDA suggestion based on the assumption that people are retarded and live in a pig sty. It's so hard to reason with her, especially since she keeps believing whatever the older people around her claim and I can't reason whatsoever. Once I had to debate her on whether she can eat cinnamon that isn't one specific brand because she read some clickbait about cinnamon toxicity based on some bs study where they made rodents ingest an impossible amount or some shit like that, idr exactly. I spent like an hour explaining to her that you need to look things up and see what the studies actually say, whether the studies are well-conducted and the backgrounds of the people that ran it etc…
Mostly I want to just tell her to fuck off and cook her own food then but she doesn't like to cook, doesn't eat a lot, etc so she's literally got malnutrition as determined by her doctor. I was cooking for us as a way to make sure she gets her daily macros in (and me too, helps keep me motivated not to order in) but it's starting to annoy me. Even if I don't cook she's obsessed with how long yogurt has been in the fridge, for instance. Do I need to just let her starve herself and waste food that is safe to eat? I love her so I want the food thing to work but I can't keep getting mad either. I feel like we do a lot for each other and are generally patient but the food thing is so extremely annoying to me. Feeling like an asshole typing this stuff up rn, I'm really trying hard to be more patient…
No. 274071
>>274029She has an eating disorder. Atypical anorexia.
Not all anorexia sufferers are scared of gaining weight, some types are scared of food itself, of choking on it or bring poisoned by it or similar.
She needs professional help.
No. 274074
>>274029I agree with the other anons, that sounds like an eating disorder, especially with her being diagnosed with malnourishment. If she was just ignorant about food safety, I’d say you guys could take a food safety class together, but it doesn’t sound like accurate information is really going to change her mind about not eating, more like she is looking for reasons
not to eat. I think you should encourage her to get help.
No. 274085
>>274022It's so obvious that a lot of you come from broken homes and have never even seen someone have a happy marriage. Not that I blame you for that, but you shouldn't shit on everyone else just because your parents are divorced and you are jaded about men.
I've been very fortunate to watch my parents model what a relationship should be like for me, they have been together for 35 years and are still in love, still happy and absolutely devoted to each other. They are totally adorable together, my dad still buys my mom flowers and they still kiss and hug all the time and you can just tell that they are soulmates. When one of them comes home from a rough day the other catches them and comforts them, they have been through so much together (poverty and family tragedies) and always stuck by each other. My mom would laugh her ass off if I were to read her your comment about women being only breeding machines and slaves to husbands.
It's absolutely worth trying to find "your person" to be your partner in life and to share your burdens with you.
No. 274095
>>274085au contraire, anon. my parents had the best, most loving relationship. it was so good and I was so sheltered by it, that I didn’t realize an
abusive man before I got into a relationship with him. I didn’t know what red flags were or even that men were very commonly horrible to their significant other. I thought the vast majority of relationships were like the one my parents had with each other and that I was simply part of an unlucky few. I had to find out the hard way, multiple times, that was far from the truth. I’m grateful for social media now teaching younger women and girls now about how to recognize an
abusive man BEFORE they entangle themselves with him (as their mother’s may have done unknowingly.) I’m not sure if this is exactly a straight response to your post, but it’s my experience, anyway. blinded by the real examples of a good marriage and society’s “true love” narrative, I do feel like I lived in a fantasy world until I reached dating age and found out it was all an illusion.
No. 274101
>>274095My mother taught me what to look out for in men and what red flags are. I've also always had my dad as a great rolemodel as to how a man should act so all the men I have dated kind of had to "live up" to that in a way. I have never been in an
abusive relationship because I know what I deserve.
No. 274102
>>274101>I have never been in an abusive relationship because I know what I deserveThis sounds a bit simplistic (and kinda
victim blaming) though, what if the guy doesn't exhibit any red flag at first and waits for a while (like the wedding or the first child) before revealing his true colors?
No. 274104
>>274102it's not
victim blaming if you're just a dumb bitch or mentally ill (mentally ill people are roped into
abusive relationships more than anyone else, regular people don't need the advice or opinions of the mentally ill). can this thread go back to being relationship advice and not copium about needing no man…
No. 274108
>>274101You are right. A lot of mothers don't teach their daughters what to look out for, because they themselves never figured it out or were never taught by their own parents. A lot of people are just not ready to be parents, and they don't properly prepare their children for this world.
>I've also always had my dad as a great rolemodel as to how a man should actThis is the way. On the flip side, I recognized how emotionally
abusive and horrible my dad was to both my mother and me, so he indirectly taught me what to avoid. This sounds like a cope, it's actually been pretty helpful because I have absolutely no tolerance for emotionally stunted and/or emotionally
abusive scrotes.
No. 274146
Hi anons, I have an excellent Nigel. He does everything for me - cooking, cleaning, makes me lunch for work, etc. and he really loves me.
I have BPD and don't engage in any of the extreme behaviors anymore. I just cry if I'm really upset, for instance. I don't know how to deal with the fact he critiques my thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. I use those terms specifically because sometimes it hurts me quite a lot and if I say he is talking about my character, he claims he isn't because it's about one of the three terms mentioned above. The thing is, I do feel like to a point those things can indicate character.
Anyway, I accept his critiques and try to work on them because I know I have a lot of issues. The thing is, it is getting overwhelming how many issues I have and it's tanking how I feel about myself. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to stop telling me the truth about me, but I also wish I didn't feel like I'm a failure at the relationship or that he hates me or looks down on me when he doesn't, according to him.
I'm the sole issue in the relationship and while it sucks, it is true and I don't know how to deal with it emotionally. I'm literally with Mr. Perfect and I feel guilty it weighs down on me. We do everything together, showering, brushing teeth together, playing video games, cooking, etc. so we are very close. I just feel on a daily basis I don't deserve him and it is messing with me a lot. I don't understand why he doesn't go to a woman who is all the things I am, as they aren't hard to find, but with a stable background.
Sometimes I feel like maybe he enjoys the fact he knows he is better than me, but I also think that could be my BPD paranoia speaking.
I just don't understand why a catch like him is with me when I have so many issues. It is true I work on them and correct them, but secretly, I wish I could one day just not have issues the way he does and be okay as I am. However, I feel like that fantasy is wrong because we are all human and we make mistakes and wrong decisions.
I really don't know how to cope with this. Advice is greatly appreciated
Basically, how do I cope with being the problem in a relationship? I feel stupid telling him how sad and awful I feel for being, well, not as good of a partner or person as I could.
Examples of my issues because i don't think I'm being gaslit:
>Unreliability
I have had minor issues with putting things away after work the way he wants them to be put away. He's very picky with household routines. So I am correcting that.
>Not taking criticism well
I don't take criticism well. I'm not sure how because I take it to heart, but I think it is because it makes me so depressed so it's not a good experience for him giving me criticism. I always admit he is right, but maybe the admittance doesn't mean much because i act so hurt. I need to get a better hold on myself, basically
>Thoughts, Desires, Behaviors
Ones that negatively affect us. A major one is my thoughts on sex. I'm obsessive about sex. If we don't have sex for 2 days I get genuinely depressed and I feel unwanted. This gets on his nerves because the 2 days we won't have sex will be because we were both ultra tired or whatever. It has nothing to do with me, yet I always turn it into something about me if it is related to sex frequency. this is very difficult for me to change because since I was a kid, I wanted to be in a relationship for the sake of being pursued sexually. It feels like a core part of who I am. But, it must go, and I somehow need to find a way. I'm not looking forward to this at all but I have to for his sake.
That's a sample from the last 2 weeks.
No. 274147
>>274146so your obvious flaws are that you don’t always clean after yourself, feel sad when he points out something you did wrong and that you have a high sex drive? if you only stopped the sex when you are super busy and tired which i will assume doesn’t happen every week or too otfen, you do realize they sound like very normal things that have nothing to do with your bpd diagnosis, just basic shit any neurotypical does? if you pick a medium-annoying person off he street how do you compare? are you really sure he is as perfect as he seems and you as bad as he makes it seem , how long have you two been togheter? maybe he just gets off on feeling like a paternal figure, educating and raising you the way he likes. you seem very aware and ashamed of your problems but you haven’t expressed anything empathetic from him on your situation.
>im the sole issue in the relationship >he tells me the truth im not capable of seeing on my own>he can change me anytime for a better woman >advice on issues where i think i’m not being gaslitwhy, do you think there are some where does gaslit you lol , you sound too impressed and dependent on this guy and that you are ready to do anything to please him. he isn’t your psychatrist there to fix you, he is just some guy , you aren’t a crazy unsafe person that needs his guidance and evaluation
No. 274150
>>274147Remember that anon has BPD and is therefore an extremely unreliable narrator. BPD people always think they are being victimized, but more often than not they are the abusers. Anon's boyfriend literally treats her like a child
>He does everything for me - cooking, cleaning, makes me lunch for work, etc. and he really loves me. and they "do everything together" even go to the bathroom, probably to take a shit while the other watches. This sounds like a completely nonfunctional person to me who is extremely clingy and her boyfriend is probably trying to encourage her to be more independent and clean up after herself since apparently he is the only one who cleans.
No. 274156
>>274147My most obvious flaws are that I take things very personally and that I'm paranoid. I've reigned in the paranoia quite a bit, but I still struggle with taking things personally. I wasn't always as good at masking my BPD as I am now - when I first got with him, I was obviously anorexic, I self harmed a lot, I was an addict to different stuff, and I was extremely paranoid and jealous. I am no longer any of those except the paranoia and jealousy, but I don't let him get affected by that, I deal with that internally.
We've been together 3 years and have lived together for 1 year. I think he really is. He's been so patient with me getting through my BPD. At the beginning I once yelled at him in public, I got into a psych ward, etc. and he stayed with me through it all. He's never been like that. His worst flaws were in the beginning, he wasn't as empathetic or tender and hated it when I was hurt by something he'd say or do. Now he is much more empathetic and doesn't really do the latter anymore. He also is much more delicate in how he talks to me, most of the time. But even him not talking to me nicely is far kinder compared to how anyone else would speak. He cares for his parents and family, tries to do everything to make me happy, is hardworking and has concrete goals he wants to accomplish, and he puts me and his family above everything else. He always wants to spend time with me when I'm home from work. I can't fault him for anything.
>do you think there are some where does gaslit you No, but on lc I see people jump to conclusions and I want to make sure people see he's not a guy that is just saying this stuff to neg me. It is true.
>>274150>Remember that anon has BPD and is therefore an extremely unreliable narrator100%
>her boyfriend is probably trying to encourage her to be more independent and clean up after herself since apparently he is the only one who cleansHe cleans because he wants to since he is home more often. He was in school for a while while I worked full time and he only recently graduated so he's still looking for work while working for his dad. I have offered to clean and do clean for the hell of it sometimes, but he genuinely prefers to clean things himself. In regards to independence, I sort of agree, he knows I don't have friends and want friends, but at the same time, he gets sad if I try to spend time by myself reading or doing my own hobbies and it pressures me to spend time with him.
No. 274157
>>274148Nta. The problem wasn't that you were offering an alternative view of relationships, the problem was that you're making it out as if it's womens' fault by default they can't find decent men and healthy relationships and that they must be really stupid for not having been able to replicate what you and your mom have.
What your mom and her partner have is an absolute rarity even in the world of normies who don't have the "crabs in a bucket stay single all men suck" mindset you accuse anons itt of having.
No. 274162
>>274146>>274156This sounds really weird, like he's probably not all that perfect and you're idolizing him too much because he was there for you when things were difficult.
But anyway, if you really feel like you're that awful of a partner, how about you sit him down and talk to him about it? You can both come up with a plan and discuss concrete things you can work on towards being a better partner. You already have some idea of what to change, and talking about it with him can help you feel some sort of accountability to follow through. I'm not sure I agree with your assessment of you being an awful partner towards him, but even if you feel that way, it doesn't mean it's set in stone forever. It's something you can change.
No. 274164
>>274085 >My mom would laugh her ass off if I were to read her your commentI'm not a part of this convo but who types this line out and goes… yes I definitely want to post this on lc. I want to tell anons that my mom would laugh at their opinons.. are you winning
nonnie? kek
No. 274169
>>274159You're literally saying it here
>>274104 calling other women dumb bitches for no reason.
No. 274173
>>274162I think my mind is "stuck" lately since we've tried doing that and it makes me feel worse because I feel more criticized since we talk about how I think and how that's not a good thing.
Lately I find myself questioning all my thoughts and structures and it's really exhausting. I feel like I'm close to getting frozen by how wrong all my thoughts are. I feel determined to change, but I also feel so incredibly depressed that my mind is this way. I wish I would relax and not worry about how I think and just let it happen, but I can't because I don't perceive anything correctly.
I wish I could have 1 day where I don't worry about whether I am thinking okay thoughts or not.
I wish I could accept criticism without it making me feel bad about myself or noticing that no one else has as many flaws as I do.
No. 274186
>>274175>If anyone makes a post that is not "Yeah men suck, it's not worth trying, break up with your boyfriend, all relationships are trash and not worth it" you immediately start seething. Crabs in a bucket.again that wasn't the problem with your post but you just twist it as anons being bitter.
>all relationships are trash and not worth itare you just purposely oblivious to the endless, near-daily stream of posts encouraging anons to get good boyfriends who aren't
abusive losers? the vast majority of anons encourage anons to seek out quality men.
No. 274193
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>>274175This thread was unusable for part of last year because an admitted scrote kept coming back here, camping out in the thread and sperging out that 'everyone here is anti-relationship' as soon as even one post was cynical. That was all it took for him to go off again and derail the thread for days with similar shit to what you're insisting here. That we're all one like minded group.. comparable to animals
>seething. Crabs in a bucket..
No. 274285
>>274193hmm now that you mention it, more recently there's also that one anon who was seething about childfree women and basically calling men who get vasectomies self-castrating beta soyboy cucks. and that one anon who was seething at the polysperg because, in their words, "she just wanted to make us hate our boyfriends" (don't get me wrong, the polysperg was retarded too but it's curious how there's a trend in this thread of someone seething hard over women choosing anything other than a traditional heterosexual monogamous nuclear family relationship)
HMMMMMMMM…..
No. 274341
>>274335no need to go to kf for it when people like the scanditard take the name they've been assigned by tinfoilers and proudly respond namefaggedly every time they're called upon
yeah, tinfoiling stokes the flames, but the narcissist weirdos who've become obsessed being Known For Something in the lolcow relationship advice thread are surely the bigger problem… they're the ones flouting anonymity, while tinfoilers are simply calling it out
No. 274398
Tell me I'm not retarded for splitting up over empty water bottles and crumbles on the counter, nonas.
I've been dreading living with my boyfriend. He's messy, disorganized, basically retarded. He lived with his mom and brother until age 28 and she was a clean freak stay at home mother so I suspect he did very little chores except doing the dishes when it was 'his turn'. I suspect he has ADHD or something because for fucks sake nothing gets in that head of his. We are VERY incompatible when it comes to housework. I have had many calm conversations explicitly detailing what was bothering me and what I wanted to change and he does it for a few days and then stops again.
If the floor is dirty he doesn't swipe or clean it unless I tell him to. The place can turn into a pigsty and he never really has the attittude to do anything about it unless I tell him to. He does it on command when asked, but he NEVER has the attitude to do anything on the house. He never washes the clothes even if they're a huge pile and overflowing, he eats on the fucking counter and just leave the crumbles there, the cats litterboxes can be packed full of shit and piss and he never cleans them, and most of the time he doens't even close the lid of things he just opened, he just leaves them there. Today he left an empty water bottle over the fridge and when I opened it it fell on my head. Like if it was empty couldn't he just have put it on the trash? Is taking a few seconds to do it SO hard? And he left his medicine bottle with the lid off on the sink knowing the cats constantly get there and knock everything on the floor or ffs eat it.
We had so much potential and I liked him so much but he doesn't change. He generally lacks an attitude about everything in his life like grooming himself trying to impress me anything, he doesn't t have mental issues like depression. (other than the ADHD I SUSPECT, not confirmed)
He's just completely retarded, he's like a giant ugly baby. It gets under my skin SO much. If someone said they broke up with their partner over these things I would have said it was ridiculous but it's making me insanely stressed ever since we moved in together. I hated it so much. We can't afford 2 places so I'm considering to break up and he goes back to his house. I feel sad because I like him but I hate living with him…. And on top of that I felt like I mostly had some sort of intellectual attraction going on with some idealization in the mix so now that everything is mundane I don't feel attracted anymore, and since he never makes an effort about impressing me, it's just that, we've been like roommates for the past 3 montths. It's not miserable or unbearable but it's sad. I know I'll miss him when he inevitably leaves, but I hate living with him and I'm not attracted to him anymore either.
No. 274403
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Anons, I have many questions. For context, I'm a 30 year old woman, I've had one boyfriend 10 years ago for 1 year, then lots of short proto-romances and sexual relationships after that. No boyfriends in school. I grew up without adults in romantic relationships around me to learn from.
I've always wanted something long term and stable with a man (I'm heterosexual), but I straight up have no clue what that looks like. I can get to the initial stages, like flirting, going on dates, etc, but I don't know how to act after that. Men with whom I had the beginnings of a relationship with, have said that I grow distant and begin to act "weird" once things develop past that stage - I've been told a couple of times from guys that they start feeling like a piece of meat/fuck buddy. It's either that, or (when I avoided being sexual at this point) that I'm distant and cold. It's really distressing to me because a couple of times, I was quite invested in someone, but it sounded like that didn't come through for them.
Basically what I want to know is, what activities does a couple engage in, non sexually? What do people usually do in this stage of a relationship, where you're spending more casual time together? What does a day in a brand new relationship looks like? What do you talk about with a boyfriend?
I've asked these questions to my therapist, but she could never give me concrete examples (I think she doesn't want to mould my idea of relationships with her own experiences, or her other clients', which is understandable). When I ask her why I'm this way, she usually points to me not having seen adults having romantic relationships in my formative years as a reason why I have no baseline for it.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. Basically I'm looking for concrete examples of day to day life in a relationship, and how to relate with men in a way that isn't just flirtatious or sexual.
No. 274406
>>274403Every relationship is different. My Nigel and I are best friends, we talk together, do chores together, go grocery shopping together, basically everything together, though sometimes we will decidedly do different activities but that's usually on the weekends because during the weekdays, we're just so happy to see each other when I'm home from work that we usually do everything together.
Some couples prefer to have much more separate time than we do. Some would find it stifling how we live. It is fine with us, though, we don't have friends and didn't really before each other so I suspect us being together all the time has something to do with that.
A typical day goes like this:
>We wake up>Cuddle and talk for 10-15 minutes >I get up to go get ready for work>Nigel prepares my breakfast, lunch, and tea for work>I leave for work>We text a bit during work>I return >We have dinner that he made>We clean up the kitchen >We hang out for a bit, usually we watch interesting YouTube videos and talk about them, or we talk about our day, pressing household issues, or our past, whatever has been on our mind>We shower >We play video games together, watch something together, or just talk>Sex >Bed It's a neat little routine. We've been together for 5 years, lived together for 3. On Saturday we do household chores and grocery shopping like I said and on Sunday we relax and either go out together or hang out with his family (I don't visit mine). We often prepare very nice elaborate meals together on the weekends, too, though he does the heavy lifting because he prefers cooking more out of the two of us though I always pitch in. Usually I read while he cooks or journal. We also paint together on separate projects and we like to do home improvement projects together. There's a lot more I could add, but I'd rather not. We also have always had a very active sex life and we put effort into maintaining it. On the weekends we usually have sex 2x a day and on the weekdays it's at night. Sometimes we miss a day if we're super exhausted. We are very vanilla.
In regards to interests, even if we don't share it independently of each other, we know all about whatever the other is interested in.
I think my example is rather extreme, though. Most people we've met have more separate lives from their partners.
I hope this helps.
No. 274420
>>274406Thank you nona!
>>274411Sounds like he's a house Nigel, with the cooking and whatnot. Very based imo.
No. 274448
>>274447it's not codependency just because it doesn't check off your box of them not having friends, people gain and lose friends all throughout their lives. that's like diagnosing someone with a mental disorder just because they only have one symptom…
not that i need to state it again, but no, they clearly are not codependent. do you have bpd yourself? it's always the ones bringing it up that have it themselves…
No. 274450
>>274448>people gain and lose friends all throughout their lives"we don't have friends and didn't really before each other" doesn't sound like they're just in a weird spot where they have less friends temporarily due to e.g. moving
>it's always the ones bringing it up that have it themselves…take your meds lol
No. 274467
>>274398 >lived with his mom and brother until age 28 and she was a clean freak stay at home mother so I suspect he did very littleI'm pretty sure I saw you post about this guy in vent lately too. I mean you don't need to justify leaving him to anyone else but even if you did.. you've already lost attraction to him.. that's bigger than some crumbs. Feeling like roommates and not even good roommates is a pretty
valid reason to want to move out and move on.
No. 274483
File: 1657458918689.jpg (53.82 KB, 720x673, 8d9ab1a3a8a1e2c933e51f45890312…)
The moment I saw that retarded 'you guys are like crabs in a bucket' phrase get posted the other day I knew we were in for this non-stop shit all over again accusing everyone of being bitter and anti-relationship. Cat ladies, roasties, bitter bitches, seething, claws out.. on and on
I have no doubt that this will get brought up again and again every day now and we need to just ignore. Same scrote as before
No. 274488
File: 1657459391003.png (50.8 KB, 678x525, 2393EB0C-C897-4B42-979D-569C6B…)
>>274484I was ready to take your side cause anon's relationship sounds cute and harmless but you somehow sound more retarded despite being right. Maybe take a break ftom this thread.
No. 274495
>>274434>>274429>>274450I was saying we don't have friends as in, we don't visit friends. He has a few and I have 1 from college. All my other childhood friends don't live anywhere near us and we hadn't kept in touch even years before I met him. We don't really hang out with either of our friends because we don't agree/mesh with their lifestyles (they have kids, or they are alcoholics, plus they live far away, etc.). Neither of us are really people persons, I grew up in a weird culty religious family (hence why I don't visit except maybe 1 or 2 times a year) and he grew up relatively isolated because he grew up like an only child. I meant "we've never had friends" as in we functionally don't have friends and we've never really sought out friendships because we were content on our own, either before and after we were together.
But even then, it's not like I have no one. I am not afraid to make friends if necessary and my family is large and has a lot of money and I know they'd support me anyway even though I don't visit.
No. 274503
>>274496I guess that means even mentally ill weirdos can find true love, but you're still single and seething. What does that say about you,
nonnie?
No. 274519
>>274514>Anon wasn't asking for advice for her relationship.yeah, she presented her weird ass relationship to someone who wanted an example of a relationship which is even worse. that's not good advice to the op.
>Every time you shit on other women in this thread for dating men you are showing us how bitter you are.not everyone you disagree with is the same person, schizo. just regarding this issue alone you're arguing with like 2-3 other anons as well
No. 274605
>>274592Seconding this. I understand loneliness and particularly feeling like you’ll never relate to people who aren’t in image board circles but e-dating is such a joke, especially with hardcore channer types. I can’t individually judge every
nonny who’s in a relationship like this but to the ones who need to hear it- please love yourselves. There’s better out there.
No. 274631
>>274585I made a thread for online relationship advice here
>>>/g/271193Let's keep this thread for people who are in real relationships.
No. 274638
>>274633You shouldn't even be in this thread giving relationship advice if you're not in a happy relationship yourself. This thread is so
toxic because it's used by femcels as a place to "feel better" about not having a relationship. That's why every single relationship is torn apart, every boyfriend is the worst person ever and all anons should break up. Because that way they feel some sort of sick satisfaction of "well at least I'm not them" or even worse, they get satisfaction out of making others break up over minor issues.
Just look at all the posts from last week about "Oh I am so happy to be single, it's just the best life, I've been alone for 10 years and I never want to date", like… okay? Why are you in this thread then? Because you DO feel insecure about being single, you DON'T feel confident and you need reassurance that you're actually better off by putting every other relationship in a bad light. And if you think people can't see through what you are doing and how angry and upset you are that other people are happy (with men, eeewwww) then you're fucking stupid.
(infighting) No. 274673
>>274666>Any man who doesn't want to get married is a red flag to me. It means he's afraid of commitment.But when it's the opposite anons say he wants to trap/own the woman "because marriage was designed by men to own a woman over other men".
I don't think it's black and white like that and to me not wanting to marry because of political views doesn't indicate he's afraid of commitment (I'm not affirming or denying I agree with those political views)
No. 274675
>>274673I don't think marriage is a way for men to "trap women". Only the manhating harpies on here who have never had a relationship say shit like that.
Getting married is a normal part of life and it's important for a lot of things, like medical emergencies where you have to make decisions for your partner. If you're not married to your spouse the doctors aren't even allowed to tell you what's wrong with them if they are ever in an accident. It's also a commitment to spend the rest of your life together that can't just easily be broken off, men especially should be forced to make this commitment.
No. 274677
>>274647How do you feel about the living off the grid plan? If that's his end goal does that match up with what you want?
Him not wanting to marry you and giving that reason.. to me it demonstrates that he's strong enough in his beliefs that relationship or not he'll likley be sticking to his own plan above all else. He might not be someone who'll compromise down the line. That'd my concern. I'd have serious talks now to try and guage what issues that could bring down the line.
No. 274686
File: 1657559753149.png (27.77 KB, 777x203, wXW1KNw.png)
Do you think men like this are super rare? I mean, I feel like at best they'll listen to your emotions but won't specifically want to empathize just because. And in my personal experience they were more often than not dismissive of how I was feeling and just tried to not have to deal with communication, even though I'm not a super emotional person and in most of the cases the issue I wanted to talk about was just the lack of communication anyway. I don't know what the guy who wrote picrel is like irl, and it's an old post but it seemed like such a nice thing to me
No. 274690
>>274638Girl yall are literally crying over mediocre men and then yall are crying even more when anons say they are mediocre. Why would I be jealous of some random anonymous loser with a boyfriend who neglects her, treats her like shit and will never change no matter how many times she whines in this thread?
You are delusional if you think we are jealous of that. I've actually dated sweet men who spend time and money on me, currently being spoiled rotten by a moid both in affection and monetarily, I just want the same for my fellow anons. If anything, you are the bitter and jealous one for wanting to keep other anons down and trapped in horrific relationships.
No. 274696
>>274686>I feel like at best they'll listen to your emotions but won't specifically want to empathize just becauseBasically, yeah that is also how I feel about this.
The thing that jumps out to me about people who like to go on about validating is that sometimes they're just focused on having you explain shit to them and it can be exhausting. Or they want you to jump through whatever self help framing hoops they learned to communicate through, instead of actually empathizing or hearing what you're saying. Empathy is difficult, especially if your partner has a totally different life experience due to different sex/race/finances/etc. Validating is nice but at some point there need to be real changes made in behavior and approach so you don't have to keep feeling shit and explaining it at great length. Where a deep conversation turns into a waste of time is when at the end of it there isn't a discussion on what can be done to improve things, and then actually doing those things.
Communication is good but there can be too much of it sometimes. All talk, no action.
Do the bickering anons have to debate this fucking hard for days? Just move on, it doesn't matter if people are "femcels" or smegmaidens or whatever. This thread is for input and being overly-critical of who's giving input or who's taking it doesn't matter whatsoever. You don't need to take the advice, you don't need to agree on the commentary. Trying to psychoanalyze the exact background of the anon posting her opinion is a colossal waste of time. Jfc. No. 274724
>>274686I've mainly known men who are on the cold or avoidant side. They would help you with a practical problem like money or fixing something in your house but offering emotional support or discussing your communication issues.. minimal fucks given to that side of things. They don't see the worth in it. Where I live that's almost just the default of how men are expected to be. I was used to that but was growing sick of it. Then I met someone years ago who presented like pic. The red flag I missed was how soon he was.. just dying to hear all muh traumas. You can guess the rest. He later used it against me, threw that info back at me in fights etc. That was a whole rough lesson in judgement.
That's the one thing I'd warn about. A lil too much of anything can feel off and it's for good reason. Men who loudly decalre their sensitivity might be trying too hard. I do still think there's decently alright guys out there in that regard but I don't think they're the same ones loudly declaring it right off the bat, sometimes its purely to hook you in. A signal that attracts the most vulnerable women.
No. 274772
My boyfriend has a girl best friend. This girl has insulted me to my face, behind my back and to anyone who will listen. Shes called me a pickme who hates other girls, she's told him I've always been mean to her because I hate other girls yet failed to mention how I used to message her to check up on her when she was down, and always replied to her Snapchat selfies telling her she looked great… That was until I found out all the shit she was saying about me. He has told her my private problems I didn't want sharing. When I ask him why he'd be friends with her after that he tells me I just don't understand her humor, she actually has a really difficult life and is kind, I don't understand the context ect - and my personal fav… She doesn't respect me but that's okay because she doesn't respect ANY woman!
After finding out recently that she laughed and wouldn't support him after finding out we had a difficult spot in our relationship, I just snapped and decided that was it. It needed to be addressed. Now I think we're breaking up.
He will always defend her, he says he SEES my side but I just don't get the situation and has never ever said "yeah what she did was fucked up."
No, I don't think she has a thing for him and I don't think he has a thing for her. Genuinely. She has her own boyfriend (and always sends my bf random messages describing their sex life in extensive detail), and they've had plenty of opportunity for their own relationship to blossom before I was in the picture but it never did. I know he isn't into her.. i think. He just says she's "one of the guys" and he doesn't think of her as a girl.
There's no way to move on from this, is there? It's either me or her, and honestly since he's said he doesn't see the issue with her disrespecting me since she "only does it rarely", even if he did choose me i don't think I'd want him.
It sucks because i love him but.. i don't deserve this
No. 274788
>>274772>No, I don't think she has a thing for himProbably true
>and I don't think he has a thing for her. Genuinely. Cope. Men can not be friends with women, the only reason they ever interact or hang out with women because one day there might be the possibility of sex. 100% your boyfriend has at least considered sex with her, has wanted sex with her or has tried to have sex with her (but was friendzoned).
No. 274797
>>274772This is insane, how could anyone be okay being friends with someone who constantly insults a person they allegedly love? And on top of that he has no problem sharing your private issues with her? You're 100% right, this HAS to be adressed, you were way too forgiving and patient for way too long. I hope he understands and if not, that you'll be able to walk away; and that either way this will be resolved. Really shitty situation to be in.
(also, i'd be careful about being sure there's nothing between them, ofc it's projecting on my side because it's just something that happened to me but my ex had a close female friend who was in relationship and "one of the boys", it never seemed like they have any interest in each other but turns out they've been having sex ever since they became friends, effectively cheating on every person they happened to be with along the way)
No. 274811
>>274808Never been in a Discord relationship, so don't hate the messenger.
>>274810I was deadass just saying that's why people are not using the thread.
No. 274826
File: 1657637205010.jpg (75.02 KB, 934x913, 1645155188720.jpg)
Since /ot/ told me to come here, here I am.
Plain and simple: how the fuck do I hit on a professor at College?
There is no impediment, he's single, we are somewhat close in age and he's not in any of my classes.
I can access him through social media.
What should I say? Pls someone give me a hint.
No. 274853
>>274797He has defended me to her and they've argued over the fact he defends me and won't let her shit talk me… But sometimes he just doesn't bother. He says that since he doesn't believe it, he doesn't see the point in defending me because it's bullshit anyway. That doesn't fly with me.
>>274805Pretty sensitive, he actually told me her issues as well (I never asked and told him to shut up about it because I had no interest in her and it grossed me out) and she nearly unfriended him over it. Since then, he's said he's stopped but I saw him texting her about something that really humiliated me and it's just made me think what else she must know.
We haven't spoken about it since, he's been sick all day (physically and obviously very ill, not an act) so I pushed it to the side and am just helping him but I did say I stand by everything I said last night. He just said he doesn't know what to do. I don't even know what I want at the end of this tbh.
No. 275059
File: 1657736066384.jpg (103.61 KB, 800x510, 23-16-9504-1.jpg)
So I broke up with my ex almost two years ago, we're still friends and in good terms with eachother. I don't like spending time with him alot though because I'm trying to keep my feelings at bay, so I'll disappear for weeks/months at a time. When I'm back and ready to talk I'll ask him to "catch me up" and he has this running "joke" now about how so much has changed, and he'll make up ridiculous stuff about his family members or friends and then throw in there how he's married. Obviously he's not, he's just being sarcastic about the length of time we've gone without seeing eachother. My question is, what is he trying to accomplish when he does this? Idk how to feel when he says stuff like that, at first I didn't think much of it, but it's every time?…
No. 275081
>>275066I always give him a heads up
>>275067unhealthy how?
No. 275090
How do I break it off with a cheating boyfriend? My parents love him. Especially my mom. My mom never believes in me, she thinks my boyfriend is such a sweetheart who does everything for me and treats him like her own son. At this point I believe she loves him more than me. She always nags I should treat him better for no reason. I am deadly afraid of eventually admitting that I have broken up with him, because she will never ever believe he was the one who cheated. It will probably destroy the last shreds of diplomacy I have with my mother.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach to open up about my private life to anyone. I really loved him and wasn't perfect either but he destroyed all my trust just to check out girls on a fucking Tinder.
When I found out Tinder on his phone, he literally went crazy, screamed, cried, hit himself, hit me (accidentally) I had to calm him down for three hours because I was afraid neighbours will hear and call police.
I know I can't have a future with a person like this, I'm not afraid of him, I don't give really a crap if he goes and gets it on with STD ridden creatures, but I don't know what to do with my mom. I feel like crying every day.
No. 275091
>>275081>I always give him a heads updoesn't mean he likes it.
I agree with another anon though your dynamic with him doesn't sound healthy. Like
>don't like spending time with him alot though because I'm trying to keep my feelings at bay, so I'll disappear for weeks/months at a time. This is not healthy or normal. For your own well being you might honestly want to consider cutting contact for good, closing that chapter of your life. It would open up space and focus in your life for new things.
No. 275092
>>275090If you're sure your mother won't believe you, consider just not giving her your reason. You're afraid she won't believe you, which puts the importance on what your boyfriend did and whether or not that's bad enough for you to break up with him in her eyes, when she should be respecting your decision to break up with him regardless of your reason and regardless of what he did. If you don't try to justify your reason for breaking up with him to her, she won't have power over you if she doesn't believe you he cheated, because then it won't matter he did xyz thing, because all that matters is that you made a decision and she'll have to respect it. Really emphasize that it's your decision, you don't need to justify it to her and she has to respect it.
Sorry you're going through a tough time, I hope you'll feel better soon.
No. 275203
>>275090I had an ex who was emotionally and physically
abusive and who cheated by the end too. My dad had met this guy one time and yet he'd been given my dads default favouritism towards males. I told my dad post break-up that he'd flipped out and beat me twice during the relationship. My dad didn't have anything to say in response, nothing, and months later my dad was back to
> God I miss 'nigel' He was a nice guy. I think he was really good for you! I'm not close to my dad to begin with so that was the final straw that broke me.
If you want to continue to have a relationship with your parents I think the only way to do it without emotionally taking a beating is to be blunt and lay it out that either you are their main concern now or that's not how parents should act. If you can't be that frank (I couldn't) then pulling back from your parents is your next best option. Having to randomly hear them voice how they miss him is the risk you run if you don't tell them what happened. That's a wound that'll stay open as long as they keep bringing him up in their ignorance of what went down. It's a pretty common thing that people don't know what happens behind closed doors in other peoples relationships. Only you know the reality. They can't tell you what you went through in private with him.
No. 275220
>>275089Seriously, just break it off for good. When I first met my husband he had an ex like that that would disappear and re-appear in his life whenever she wanted, it was very obvious that she thought she could keep him on the back-burner until one day she felt like "settling down" or whatever. Once we got together and he had a normal relationship with someone who is not BPD for the first time in his life he realized how
toxic that shit was and cut her off forever. We never heard from here again and honestly don't even know if she is still alive.
Do yourself and him favor and MOVE ON.
No. 275252
>>275249The more you know.
You know that’s like, not normal?
No. 275264
I'm in a FWB relationship with this dude who's a very wealthy CEO. Like, he made a Forbes 30 under 30 list and bought a multi-million dollar luxury skyscraper condo in one of the most expensive major cities in the country level wealthy. So you can only imagine that I wish to schmooze him into treating me with a bit of that cash, if I have any chance making that happen at this point. I don't even think I want to actually date him or anything… more like, just meme him into buying me clothes and shit? Maybe more than that if he seemed willing, I've actually never brought up that kind of thing to him because I have no idea how to ask without blatantly sounding like a gold digging bitch. This all makes me sound very retarded as I type it out, especially given the fact that I've already had sex with him, but I'm just a wishful thinker, okay?
So I'm 19 and he's like 26-27, and this age gap combined with the fact that he's kind of a socially awk redditor autist and that we come from very different backgrounds (i.e. he has wealthy parents and I'm a broke college student who grew up lower-middle class) means that we kind of lack the necessary common ground to get much good conversation flowing between the two of us. But we get along nicely enough, and I've probably deluded myself into thinking he finds me endearing beyond a sexual context given the fact that he kept hitting me up (even during/after a time when I ghost him for like a year because I was fed up with him constantly flaking on me bc he was busy with work lol) when he surely has enough money to attract a BBL Instagram model who's much hotter than me. I don't know… I joked one that I could be the "Grimes to his Elon" and he said "We'll see how bad of an influence you can be on me", and I know he was just playing along… but does anyone here know how I could hypothetically be that bad influence?
No. 275307
>>275233I don't feel like it's been too long since our breakup so that would be an understandable reaction if he got a girlfriend say tomorrow, me thinks.
>>275238Yeah that is what my goal always is, but then I end up missing him too much.
>And promise to yourself you'll not continue with the friendship if you're not sure there's nothing romantic left?>>275232>>275278I disagree but isn't that all self harm? also he's not as rich as the anon with the forbes 30 under 30's fuckbuddy but he lives pretty comfortably and helps me out alot with my school expenses, unprompted. He helps me with my mom too, is really funny, gets me out of my shell and into fun places, has helped me hold down a really good job, is very smart, gives great advice, I don't think I've ever gotten along with anyone as well as I do with him in general too, his place is really comfy and I like going there alot, he reminds me of my dad, idk hes very fatherly imo. He has nice hands which is cool, and he also has a big dick so I guess even if I'm not fucking him I wanna be around him lol
in all seriousness though I only wanted to know what he meant by saying that. That was all thank you nonnas
No. 275400
File: 1657896621541.jpg (252.38 KB, 1242x1208, tumblr_1015c9df3cfdcd6ec15c3af…)
Why does my (ex)boyfriend keep going back and forth over being with me?
He broke up with me and said he was moving out next month. It broke my heart but I was trying to move on until he started hugging and kissing me and acting like he changed his mind. He didn't want to talk about it but I got pissed and basically forced him to. He said he doesn't think it's gonna work for various reasons but it's hard because he loves me and wants to be with me. Some of the reasons were that I'm older than him, don't want to have bio kids (I want to adopt instead), that I'm taller when I wear some shoes and it makes him feel bad??? and a bunch of other dumb shit like my humor annoys him sometimes. He said he only started being affectionate again because he was trying to make me happy and he felt like he had to, which is bullshit. He initiated, not me.
My heart broke all over again worse this time but I tried to move on even more by saying he needs to start staying in the living room of our apartment until he moves out and that he needs to start doing his own laundry, buying his own food, etc. So now he's back to being affectionate again and I had to tell him to stop because he can't keep going back and forth. Either break up with me or start working on your issues with me. Why does he keep doing this?
No. 275440
>>275411More context needed anon but without the context I'd say absolutepy yes.
Abusive and dangerous because forbidding you from driving makes you more dependable on him, limits your independency and limits your ability to see your family and friends. Besides obviously not having the fucking right to take your driver's license.
Your bf needs a really pressing reason to justify this.
No. 275544
>>275519Men do try to trap women when the woman won't settle them with them willingly. Anon could be the one who doesn't want it to be serious as it looks like he has no issue spending money on her which is something most men don't do unless they're expecting something more than just sex in return.
Anon should be careful and use protection against pregnancy and STDs.
No. 275580
>>275568retarded take. women cheat for different reasons and there are plenty of
valid reasons for primarily women to cheat
No. 275809
Hi, i’ve been dating this guy for a while now, i had been pretty into him for about a year before that though. He’s one of those guys that seems very innocent. You sorta pity him to an extent since he just seems too kind for this world. Anyways, when we started dating he promised many big things, we are long distance (yeah i’m dumb) so he promised he would use his money to come see me. He promised a lot. Well, so far i’ve gotten nothing from him. Because i’m studying at uni i don’t have the most free time, but every break i’ve had has come and go with him not having any money to come visit because he spent it on video games and food. Our plan has always been paying 50/50 for the tickets. Of course i always have the money for this, i’m not irresponsible and it is only 150 at most each. He lives with his parents so don’t think he needs his money to support himself, he lives a very easy life, he doesn’t work or study. He finds this way to guilt me. Constantly. At the start of the relationship he had a very inappropriate friendship with this girl, matching profile pictures, he even had her account in his bio. He also does not allow me to comment on his posts as he wants privacy. I got mad about this and even messaged the girl, not angrily i just wanted to know what was going on. He made her block me, then made me apologise to her and him. I felt defeated and like i was in the wrong. He recently told me he’s not sure if he would be attracted to me without make up if he didn’t love me. that hurt. then in the same conversation he said even if he didn’t know me he would like my boobs. that hurt even more. i got pretty sad and started crying, this was all over text so i started calling him because i felt very hurt and alone. He refused to answer because he thought it would be too awkward. when i did convince him to answer he stayed on mute as i cried and i basically felt like an animal at the zoo. I just don’t get it, i am very nice to him, i’ve bought him gifts, sent him and his family food and he has not spent a cent on me. I want to leave but i feel this guilt. Has anyone else felt this guilt? what is it? he treats me like shit but i feel always in the wrong because he tells me he’s scared of me when i get mad at him for his actions. He also said other things that made me honestly scared of him, like him and his friends yelling at a group of teen girls and he also said he would find it fun to kill animals with a machete. He’s pretty homophobic too, but he has an obsession with muscular males and posts thirst trap videos of them, my goofy self gets genuinely jealous of his adoration over these men because i’m convinced he’s genuinely into them and his homophobia is just a cover up. How do i leave him and how do i not feel this guilt?
No. 275813
>>275809Do you really feel guilty or are you just telling yourself you do, so you can cling to your hopes of staying together and avoid dumping him? Just block and delete him, don't give it a second thought or bother to be polite about it. This isn't a real relationship, he's a loser NEET and he clearly doesn't give a single fuck about you. As always: if he wanted to, he would.
Sorry, I know I'm being harsh but I've been in your position. I kept telling myself I couldn't dump him because he would suicide bait and not 'let' me dump him, but deep down I liked feeling obligated to stay because I wanted to stay, regardless of how badly he treated me and how little he cared.
No. 275817
>>275809>How do i leave himEZ, log out of discord and don't log back in. Also consider posting in this thread
>>>/g/271193 in the future.
No. 275825
>>275809>I just don’t get it, i am very nice to him, i’ve bought him gifts, sent him and his family food and he has not spent a cent on me. He doesn't like you anon, I'm sorry. There's nothing to "get." He's not a nice person like you said in the beginning of your post. Why did you even bother saying that? How can you feel guilty for leaving a mean person who doesn't even like you?
I think you feel bad ("guilty") when he gets "scared" of you when you're mad because you have normal human empathy and it makes you feel bad to see someone you care about in such a vulnerable position. Imagine your bf's reaction to telling him his dick is too small. Imagine his reaction to you humiliating him socially. Imagine him calling you to vent and putting yourself on mute because you don't give a fuck. Imagine him buying your mother a nice meal and then being mean to him and telling him not to comment about it on your social media. I'm guessing you can't relate to those things because you're not a piece of shit. Don't give your heart and your time to men you can't relate with. He's probably using you for sex or status. Fuck his feelings. Just stop talking to him. You're worth a hell of a lot more than whatever this is!
No. 275862
>>275853Yes at that point it's no longer an e-relationship obviously. When I said "e-relationships aren't real" I was talking about relationships in general, not hers specifically, that start out online and remain online/long-distance with no or rare irl contact.
>>275854>irl prior contactSo we weren't even talking about the same thing, ok discussion closed.
No. 275885
>>275883sorry nonitas i’m rambling a bit.
i did, and he did consult me, and i said ‘honestly it’s going to be a really big shock to me and it’ll take me a while to get used to, but at the end of the day if you want to do it, it’s not my hair, i can’t tell you what to do with it and i’ll support you regardless’. he’s talked about wanting to do it for like a year for the sake of it because he’s never done it before, and it’s going to be so hot here in the next week that he said he’s actually got another reason to do it now.
i just don’t think it suits him, he has a very boyish look with soft features and i think the bald head look ages anyone and makes them look too aggressive for me. but he’s never told me what to do with my looks or hair so it’s not my place to stop him. that’s why i feel so shit for not liking it and worrying about how it’s going to affect intimacy, i’m not a ‘looks are everything’ person but the demographic of men i’m attracted to is so small that i can’t help worrying that maybe his attractiveness to me is going to fade
No. 275899
>>275882>>275885>was my attraction to men/a man solely based on hair? No, hair just has an incredible effect on the face.
I'd say try to convince him to grow it out again, but don't make it about you, only mention him and try to speak positive of his curly hair instead of down talking his bald head. So don't go "I like you better with curly hair, you don't look good with a bald head" but say "You look handsome with curly hair, it fits your features" instead. If he really just wanted to try it once, there's probably a good chance you can convince him?
No. 275910
>>275882>>275885Omg this happened with an ex of mine but he wanted to bleach his hair. He's middle eastern and he wanted to dye the top a platinum white and given he had soft, luscious, untouched hair I was so against it, I'd bleached my hair before and it fucked it for years. Plus, same as you, I just wasn't attracted to it.
Light hair just turns me off, I prefer darker features. You put into words what I felt years ago so thanks luv, appreciate.
The only advice I have is try not to hold a grudge. I agree that he can do what he wants to do with his body at the end of the day, and appearance can change and can change back. My ex actually got me to dye his hair back after a month because he couldn't deal with the upkeep and dryness of white hair, kek. Your bfs hair will grow, and it's best to do what the other anon said and encourage him with how much you love his long, curly hair.
No. 276064
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I found evidence of something because I randomly got a gut feeling, and I was correct. I'm waiting to confront him about it when he comes back from visiting his family. I don't need his family blaming and bad mouthing me for ruining his mood while he's out there. So, I'll patiently wait, but I'm kind of glad it's like this because I do not feel like arguing now that I have had time to think. Just going to show him what I have gathered, then leave for good. They really aren't different, no matter how sweet and innocent they may look, or what their hobbies are. I won't let this stop me from starting school I just wish he could've seen me succeed because he really did support me emotionally whenever I was low, and I did the same for him. I don't feel anything but pure disappointment, nonnas.. and maybe a little sadness.
No. 276140
>>273768same age, its a wasteland of bald heads
I dont bother trying anymore lol
No. 276158
>>275852>and rarely work out for the women involved.This is crucial. I'm shocked how many women are willing to go to a different country or even continent to meet some guy from the Internet or move in with him after meeting a few times. Vetting scrotes is hard enough even when you see them on a daily basis, online "relationships" make hiding red flags and
abusive tendencies so easy. No wonder most of them are dysfunctional messes.
No. 276199
>>276064I'm sorry anon. It might be good that you have time to process this before you see him again. Get yourself into a headspace where he won't be able to sucker you back in or feed you excuses. Too many women get pulled back in and then the circus repeats itself a lil while down the line again.
I caught a guy once. He seemed so trustworthy for 3 years and then my gut started to just scream at me that something was up. We were making plans for our future and he was the one wanting to commit more and more. He went on holidays with his fam and on day one I looked and found what my gut had been telling me. I had 2 weeks to sit with my feelings before he got home. I didn't give him a show with tears. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't give him any emotions to then manipulate. I think it even hurt his ego that I never gave him all that usual despair. It's not that I didn't go through it.. but I refused to break down in front of him. In the long run I'm happy with the way I handled it. Its nice to at least have time to plan your confrontation.
No. 276497
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>>276496Not that I disagree but this is going to turn into that debate for the umpteenth time, right?
No. 276565
Long vent incoming about LDR dont really expect anyone to read:
My boyfriend and I are long distance, we've spent a month together before, in total I'd say we've been around each other in person for 2 months and have been dating almost 2 years. Lately I've been feeling like I want to break up because I'm about to turn 28 and don't want to keep spending time in something that might lead to a dead end since neither of us have plans to move to the other person. We talk in vague terms of "someday we'll do this and that". I don't know if it's okay for me to expect him to visit me often since I'm not comfortable visiting him– I don't want to go on a plane to a different state, leaving my dog at home and I'm just not a fan of traveling at all.
It would be so nice to have someone local, but the thing is I kind of always knew I'd end up in an ldr due to being very picky and living in an area where men are just really unattractive generally speaking. I legitimately feel like over my years of dating apps I've met (or not matched with) every attractive man in my area. My only hope would be someone new moving nearby, but people don't really move here. I dated someone before who was here for his job, but we broke up because he'd be going back to the state he was from when the job ended. I cant stress enough how I legitimately feel like I've exhausted all of my local options– I've dated men I'm not very physically attracted to in the past and it's not something I'm ever going to do again. I have a fairly high sex drive and can't be with someone whos appearance turns me off. My boyfriend currently is an ex model and though hes put on some weight his face is very good looking which is what i care about, but at some point it feels like it doesn't even matter since I rarely get to see him.
I don't want to go back to the way things were before him, i had a good looking fwb and would be swiping left on various apps every day, the occasional meet-up usually resulting in me not being attracted, or us being completely different people (the case with my fwb) or someone I decide is good enough and give in and either have sex with right away then regret it and feel like a slut, or become attached to them and drive them away by being too pushy. I cringe when I look back on a lot of my single behavior, the guys I simped over or hooked up with out of loneliness and wanting affectionate touch. Being in a relationship protects me from myself in a way, and I doubt I'd be able to find a good looking guy I get along with who lives here, if I leave my bf I'd probably just end up in the same ldr situation again.
No. 276585
>>276559>we will never find someone as compatible as each other with the same goals and wants in lifepure bullshit. there's 4 billion men out there. if you don't want a dude in your life that openly thirsts over women that don't look like you then just… don't have him. it's probably hard to believe what with you being cheated on and your self worth is roughly negative 0 due to that, but there are men out there that won't openly do shit like that let alone even use twitter lmao
>>276565you're not in a real relationship. seeing each other 2 months over 2 years is not a real relationship. you have a long distance friendship, and your friend doesn't want to see you any more often that he already has because you know deep down he already would've if he actually wanted to. you don't even live in different countries and he puts so little effort in seeing you when he could just cross state lines. you can't just inhale copium in the form of "everyone else around me is ugly". go find an actual long distance relationship where the dude will move to be with you and not just twiddle his thumbs for 2 years. you're 28 ffs.
No. 276635
>>2765651. if you have no plans to move in together you should break up now, there is no future for you
2. you seem to be very shallow while also living in some shithole with no options, consider moving or just die alone I guess
3. if your discord boyfriend really looks like a model why does he have a discord girlfriend instead of a real relationship? He's probably fucking around on the side which is why this arrangement works for him. You are his emotional tampon while he gets sex somewhere else. No man would be ok with only having sex twice in 2 years.
Just end it.
No. 276668
>>276663I didn't read the original post and thought it was anons irl boyfriend that happened to live far away, thats fair. She still shouldn't be with an uggo though.
>>276666I'm not op, your ugly nigel must be proud though.
No. 276672
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Discord kitten here. A few months ago he traveled down and wanted to see me for the first time but I declined. I don’t remember exactly why, it was maybe because I was nervous or had some plans already. Anyways I’m glad I didn’t because I was very ugly back then. He had seen me and didn’t care but still. I’ve flown up quite a lot since then and recently told him I was going to his state soon and that I wanted to see him and he declined! Said not now but eventually when I probed. I get it’s probably because he started a new job which is very important and a turning point in his life but what if it’s because he thinks I didn’t want to see him that one time? Should I end it? He seems like a real catch so I’m hesitating and need some sense talked into me
No. 276676
>>276672Nonnie, I have to be honest with you. You wasted 2 of your years dating some random guy who couldn't be assed visiting you while living not in a different, country A STATE. It's one thing e-dating as a teenager, but as a 28-year-old, 2 years of which you spent on a literal pixel on a screen…?
>we will never find someone as compatible as each otherDo I have news for you… You romanticize it too much. There are so many people in this world that you haven't met yet.
Break up, fix your insecurities, get your shit together and focus on yourself. You really sound immature, sorry to say that.
No. 276678
>>276672>wanted to see me for the first time but I declined.I thought you met your bf for a duration of 2 months total? Are you not
>>276565?
No. 276688
>>276686I agree.
>>276684>kek, insecure muchQuite the contrary, I commented because it seemed like the double standard at play again.
> if you don't want to break up with a guy you have absolutely no chance of a future with, just because he is very good looking then you're a fucking idiot.I don't even disagree with this I just wasn't taking a stance on whether she should or shouldn't break up with her discord bf when I said what I did.
No. 276692
>>276689You didn't know I wasn't the op, if you did why did you assume the handsome but discordcel faggot was my bf and I was a discordkitten? You're not normal and got so mad when I called your imaginary nigel ugly that you attacked me before realizing I'm not OP.
Also it's not normal to date ugly men, that's what femcels do when they can't find anyone else.
No. 276693
>>276692you are not the op but you must also be a discord kitten in order to get this mad kek.
>Also it's not normal to date ugly men, that's what femcels do when they can't find anyone else.this is true. it also applies to LDRs.
No. 276707
>>276676huh? im not that anon, i've "been" with this guy for 6 months
I'm also 22, if it matters? He's 25
>>276675I know but I feel like I would be pushing it if I ask a second time, like i would come across as needy and annoying. I've already broken up with him because I was unsure about this whole online thing, pffffft, idk how many times.
>>276678No
>>276686I declined because I had family plans I couldn't just cancel, otherwise I would've. He declined and honestly I didn't expect anything else because i already knew he currently has close to zero time off due to grinding it out. I also didn't give him a solid date for when I would be there which probably contributed. To expect for him to see me NOW would be inconsiderate. Or not, which is why I'm here asking for advice on what to do next
No. 276715
>>276713I-
not pure truth, just truth in regards to how he allocates his time… need a hug?
No. 276719
>>276707>I know but I feel like I would be pushing it if I ask a second time, like i would come across as needy and annoyingThat's stupid, you're not needy and annoying for wanting solid future plans to take your relationship offline. An e-relationship is doomed without it.
>he literally shows me his TIMECARD. How many irl boyfriends do that for any of you?Yeah, they don't have to because irl boyfriends are under a degree of social control. Can't get away with lies about your whereabouts to your gf as easily when she's in the same social circles and your friends and family know what you're up to. This isn't the gotcha you think it is.
No. 276722
>>276719it feels like if I ask a second time it'll get to his head somehow, like I am chasing him or something. Also I thought if you have to initiate things then the relationship is doomed. Technically I didn't but if I ask a second time then officially I am. At least until he asks again at a later date, then we would be even. Does that make sense?
>Yeah, they don't have to because irl boyfriends are under a degree of social controlSocial control is a lot more faulty though. I can agree ideal would be both.
>>276718So the minority, because I look around me and 10/10 times my fake relationship is more transparent than "irl" ones
No. 276729
>>276726I wasn't trying to flex, just merely answering the question i knew was coming ie "hurr durr how do you know he's actually busy and not lying about it".
>>276727I hate most moids so as long as I don't meet another as good as him irl. In other words, forever or until he breaks it off
No. 276743
>>276732Think hard about why the sarcasm didn't land
I think this is a dedicated troll like the lady in Japan with the OCD bf on cc
No. 276749
>>276722In all kindness
nonnie, you'll look back on this someday and you'll see that this wasn't a relationship of any sort. You'll feel dumb like we all feel dumb about some choice we've made. It happens, but stop leaning so heavily into the delusion. At least help yourself to wake up sooner.
No. 276768
>>276733Make him get a job
>>276734thank you
>>276736I never said it was. And I'm well aware of all of that, so you added nothing of substance to the conversation.
>>276749I agree, what part of "I've already broken up with him because I was unsure about this whole online thing" don't you understand? He's busy and his new job is really important? aren't those legitimate reasons for not meeting eachother yet? I could suggest we meet on his once in a blue moon day off, but would that be the ideal situation? rushed, him uber dog tired? imo that sounds like the perfect way for it to go terrible.
>>276753wtf? like he was in a wheelchair or what? pretty sure mine isn't… I've seen his legs. Moving. And walking
No. 276797
>>276768if you’ve already broken up why are you still asking what to do?
>broken up many times because of this online thing, he is very busy we can’t see each other like everyou are answering your own questions. no one in here will encourage you to pursue this.
No. 276805
>>276775Lmao that's exactly what's happening, I'm OP who posted about her "hot ex model bf", anon started calling me a discord kitten, then a different anon posted "discord kitten here" lol.
Anyway I appreciate the responses and while some of them are harsh I actually do see the merit to them. I'll keep it in consideration… I still don't have my mind made up.
To clarify though we're definitely not in a discord kitten situation lol, we're both relatively normal people, and he has asked me to come move in with him many times but I'm not ready to do so as one anon pointed out, I've only been around him for 2months total, that's not enough time to really know him. He disagrees tho and thinks the time we've spent talking online is time we've been getting to know each other. I get that but its not the same as irl, seeing how someone responds to problems that arise, their mannerisms, etc.
He is working so it's hard to take off time to come here from the other side of the country, last time he drove all the way here, he's planning to fly here in fall. Idk though anons. I just don't know.
No. 276808
>>276805I should probably include that he wants me to fly there and would be glad if I came to visit at any time I wanted, but I don't want to go on a plane across the country and be in a place I've never been with him, if things go badly I don't like the idea of feeling trapped away from home. I moved in with a guy a couple years ago and it ended up being a bad situation so I'm probably a little scarred from that, but I think it's a good thing I'm being more cautious.
So basically I expect him to always be the one to visit me until we've known each other well enough that I'd feel comfortable moving in, and that could take years. Which is a lot to expect, I know, but it's not going to change, I'm no longer willing to take any risks for moids.
No. 276854
>>276808I've moved in too quickly with a bf before and it was the worst mistake I've ever made, essentially a way of financially and just practically trapping me hours away from anyone I knew who could be an emotional support. His personality changed just like that once we'd moved. I get your anxiety after an experience like that but.. just date someone who lives nearby so that moving in isn't so necessary in order to see each other regularly. For lack of better wording.. just date in a normal way with no huge distance and barriers and pressure and travel costs.
The first thing I did when I got away from my bad situation was to search out cheap property areas and I settled down solo in a town of my choosing and I put down roots here career wise. I'm living here alone for the forseeable future. I'm not moving to be with any guy and I'm not moving a guy into my home for many years at least. Being in a LDR just seems like you're going to repeat the past because you say you don't want to take risks but this is higher risk. The pacing of ldrs tends to be an issue, they tend to create this pressure to move in together to close the gap. So you see them for short visits that feel more like holidays and then one of you has to make a big leap when moving in for real. Compared to a normal relationship that is more risky and hardly what you need to be investing years into after your previous experience burnt you. Live for yourself, set your own plans and if you meet a local guy then keep renting seperately and taking it slow. That's a low risk relationship.
No. 276885
>>276883It's neither
abusive nor manipulative, but it's better to just be upfront and tell them exactly what it is you don't like.
No. 276893
>>276883It is at least manipulative when you're deliberately refusing to talk about it after your initial shock silence when your partner does want to talk about it.
Not sure if it counts as the silent treatment if you're just staying silent about that one subject but are otherwise communicating though.
No. 276899
>>276883It's
abusive if you're going silent over minor things, or simply for not getting your way in a subjective disagreement. In most cases though it's not
abusive. As other anon said, it's definitely better to just communicate your needs and if they're constantly unmet, move the fuck on to someone else. It doesn't matter too much if your needs are "reasonable" or not tbh, your partner either meets them or does not.
No. 276921
>>276914You are not overreacting at all, having a kid in your living space is a huge status quo change. Your life path is
valid. I'm not gonna say leave outright, but one of you is probably going to have to compromise quite a lot to make this work. I'd say do not be the one to cave because even for the annoying shitty kid, having a step mom that doesn't like her would do a number to her self-esteem. Nobody should be forced to be a parent, including you. For everyone's sake.
No. 276922
>>276914I experienced this but with a teenage son. I struggled. I always had to be the bigger person and suck up my feelings and deal with it (rightly so because I was the adult) but it sucked the whole time and never got any better. I was paying to live in a home I did not feel comfortable and relaxed in. The dad didn't mediate any issues that popped up very well and I compromised so much more than I think a person should have to do in a relationship. I'm not the one with baggage and yet I'm extending myself lke crazy. The dad didn't compromise much. It was always me bending to suit him. Then at times he used the son to kind of triangulate and outnumber me in decision making. Decisons that I thought should be up to the two adults (ie bill payers) He promsied me at the start that I'd never be paying for the son but 2 years in I was. He was finding ways to get me to pay more and more while pretending it wasn't about that. It was. The son would bring in a surprise expense and that same day I'm asked for money for another thing. It was insulting that he wouldn't just be upfront about the reality of it. The worst part was that.. instead of helping us get along he started to actively pit is against each other? I worked really hard to have a good rapport with him and then the dad just started playing us off against each other like we were competitive siblings? It didn't work but it was just strange and created a weird vibe and some awkward moments. I start to feel like a second child after a while. One that paid bills tho!
I've had alot of time to reflect on it. Dads need to put their kids first. Dads also need to know that sometimes they can't have it all and it's better to just not date younger/childless women if they're going to expect everyone else to suck up how much they don't like their new living situation. Imo.. don't even go there. He wants to live with his child… don't take that chance away from him but don't stick around for it either. They could both end up hating you no matter how hard you try to blend together. You're being put in an impossible situation if you don't want kids and she's a teenager who is going through some shit already.
No. 276979
I met a guy through a family member several days ago and we hit it off immediately. We've spent all that time talking to each other over mic every evening where we ended up talking about family, politics, criticizing coomer behavior, education, and it looks like we really share the same values. We're also the same age and have a lot of overlap in our hobbies, he comes from a good background and respects/loves his family. We actually met at my front door after my family member forced him to deliver some stuff to me. He lives quite far away though (far for me) but is already suggesting he's happy to drive and visit, he texts me while at work, we say goodnight etc.
Even after all of this though, I'm fucking terrified to get any closer than just friends. I have some trauma that left me cold hearted and with bad social anxiety so I can't tell if what I'm feeling is an overreaction of fear or messed up excitement because I do like hanging out with him. We've been flirting and I like the attention but I'm pretty sure I'm not actually attracted to him (yet?) and the thought of actually being in a relationship with someone makes me freak out and think this is going way too fast.
But I've been complaining about >mfw no bf for like the past month and this compatible guy literally turned up on my doorstep, should I just… keep on doing what I'm doing and stop worrying so much? Even when he seems happy to let me lead whenever I want, the thought of it doesn't make me feel 'safer' even though he's like 200% safe on paper in my head.
No. 277056
I don’t think I love my boyfriend anymore and I don’t think I’m attracted to him any longer. My heart aches and hurts thinking about it. We have been together for about 10 months and this is my first relationship, he was my first kiss and my first sexual experience. A month and a half ago I went back to visit my parents in my home country and after I returned things just changed. While I was away we kept in touch by calling and playing video games and this wasn’t the first time we were away from each other, so we were coping with distance as usual. When I returned and saw him again I just wasn’t feeling it. He spent 6 days with me in my apartment and at the beginning it was ok, but by the end of it I couldn’t bear the fact that he was always so touchy. Furthermore, over the past few weeks he keeps saying how I’m out of his league and how I’m much more attractive than him. I shut that down and tell him that he is above average looking and that he is very accomplished for his age. Plus, the more time we spend together the more comfortable he gets around me. He has now revealed his distaste for ‘common’ people (normies) and how much he hates children and people who have them or anyone who follows the status quo. He tells me that he is very loyal and that he would never leave me, that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him, etc. I don’t like it when he says that, in the beginning it was scary and now it just makes my stomach churn.
In the beginning I was mesmerised by his beauty, his glow. I don’t know if it was the initial brain chemicals of attraction but now I find myself admiring other men from afar. It’s as if he became less attractive when I saw him again, but that can’t be possible, we were just away from each other for a short while. His topics of conversation used to interest me at first, but now I find them boring, he just goes on and on about stuff that I couldn’t care slightly about. I can’t even engage in analysis or discussion with him as I know jack shit about the topic.
I don’t know why this is happening, he has always been so kind and so respectful of me. He writes me poetry, he gives me beautiful and symbolic gifts, he tells me how I’m constantly on his mind, he’s willing to move to a foreign country for me, he takes care of me when I’m sick, he doesn’t demand sex… I feel like I’m in the wrong here, that it’s my fault that I’m losing attraction.
If I do break up with him how do I do it? I’m scared he’s going to kill himself or just become depressed, that he won’t recover. This man breathes for me. I think he’s co-dependent and that is turning me off. Any tips on how to work through that?
Please help, this brings me great emotional turmoil and I feel like I can’t express this to him too prematurely.
No. 277063
>>277058>>277056>>277058(deleted since I wanted to add more information)
I feel like he dedicates so much and puts so much on the line for our relationship, he sacrifices so much. Whereas I tend to be more cynical about it, especially considering it's my first one. So it seems like our attitudes are polarised.
Looking at it long term it seems like it will only bring hurt to him.
I wouldn't say I'm bored of him, his company is nice and we still have good moments. Just his views seem a bit radical, especially his disdain for people. I think his attitude towards certain things is what is turning me off from him in regards to his physical looks. Since the only changing factor is that he is much more open and unfiltered.
No. 277074
>>277056Your first post made it sound like he's perfect and you feel guilty for being bored (still a perfectly
valid reason to break up!) but then you drop this
>Just his views seem a bit radical, especially his disdain for people.If it's already a problem imagine what it will be in a year, two, when the honeymoon phase fully passes for both of you. Ultimately like what I've said, losing romantinc interest in someone is enough to end the relationship, no matter how much the other person brings in; but in your case when he's already showing the ugliness inside, even more justified. It's only 10 months and your first relationship on top of that, not a big loss!
No. 277095
>>276979 >I'm pretty sure I'm not actually attracted to him (yet?)I was ready to reassure you that you're overthinking this but.. this line is pretty make or break. It's been discussed on here alot lately (in other threads too) Don't meme yourself into dating someone you don't feel attracted to. You should not have to try and make yourself find someone attractive at the start. It's hard enough when you lose attraction later on and have to maybe work on it but rn.. it should be there. If it's not then its not. The dangerous side of this is, men lose their minds if they're left to think you're into them and then you drop that reality on them later. There's no prizes for playing along hoping the spark will somehow form later on.
I get being flattered by the attention, eso if it's been a while where you're not putting yourself out there much but unless you're both asexual there's boxes that need to be ticked.. and that feeling is either there or its not. Don't force it.
No. 277099
>>277056 >He has now revealed his distaste for ‘common’ people (normies) and how much he hates children and people who have them or anyone who follows the status quo >He tells me that he is very loyal and that he would never leave me, that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to himIdk if this is his first relationship too or how young you both are but.. people say some crazy bullshit when they're young and wrapped up in what they think is love. He's sounds a lil unhinged, low on empathy, puts you on a pedestal more so as a form of control rather than a genuine compliment. Probably has alot of growing up to do. He says this 'never leave you' shit to put pressure on you
nonnie. It's not for flattery. This is too much to be saying months into dating and you have no experience to comapare him to for context but this is manipulative 'don't you ever leave me!' type behaviour. That's the seed he's trying to plant when he says that. Maybe he will fall apart after you leave but you have to let him. People survive very long term relatiosnships ending so less than a year.. it shouldn't kill him.
Block him on everything if you do leave. Don't let someone with edgy low empathy levels for most people on earth.. hold suicide threats over your head.
No. 277124
>>277056Nonna, I cannot stress enough that you should follow your gut feeling. I had a VERY similar experience to yours and when I left him the feeling of relief was immeasurable.
Listen to
>>277099 anon when she says that his flattery is a tool and not something free he gives out. When I was with my ex who, like yours, was contrarian and had a 4-chan-ish mindset (IDK if yours is but mine defo was), the constant edgelord-ing and besmirching of normie stuff was exhausting and I could tell that he was negatively shaped by that 4chan mentality and 'meninist relationship hacks'… even if he was a good guy down underneath. Listen to your gut if it's saying that the positive attention you get is suffocating you because more likely than not he is doing this to tether, not to make you feel good. If you realized that you don't feel attracted to him, that's okay! Sometimes people don't end up working out and not all breakups have to be because of some monumental problem; sometimes it's the little things that add up and make you change your mind.
In my situation, what made me realize that I wanted to break up with my ex is when I talked to my mom about these weird feelings, such as suffocation and not being attracted to him anymore and she basically said, "if you really wanted to be with him and he was the one for you, you wouldn't be thinking these things." Parents have been married for 30 years and are basically a team, she knew what she was talking about. For example, my dad loves my mom the the stars and back but he never lovebombed her or made her feel uncomfortable in their level of attachment to each other. So think about whether putting in more time into this relationship when you're already feeling the winds of change is worth it. Take care of yourself; even if he's not aware of it (doubt it, but) manipulation and string-tugging can come in all sorts of forms.
No. 277154
>>277070>>277095>>277133Yeah. I've never dated before (and he's only had one gf) so I don't have actual experience but I'm prepared to be honest and not do it if I don't find him hot. Am super lonely but I can deal with that, I'm not that desperate for dick kek. It probably sounds bad to clarify that I've only seen him in person that one time with pics and we've only been talking online but I thought since we get along so well over chat and co-oping games, maybe the draw will be there when we're in person. He's naturally pretty sweet, if I find there's no spark when we're in person I kind of wish I could send him off to a nonna in need because he's definitely someone's type and not a psycho.
>The dangerous side of this is, men lose their minds if they're left to think you're into them and then you drop that reality on them later. There's no prizes for playing along hoping the spark will somehow form later on.It's only been a week, I'm not playing a game or leading him on, just acting how I normally do but you and the other posts are right about the spark and past experiences already taught me not to stick around for people not worth it.
>>277123Am that anon, I was thinking people like that probably need to care for themselves before they can open up to share something with another person properly, but it sounds like you just prefer being single over being with someone if it 'annoys' you.
No. 277163
>>277147Yeah that sounds like you got raped,
nonnie. If you want to keep the option of going after this fucker you should go to the hospital to preserve the evidence. Otherwise surround yourself with friends and try to be comfy.
No. 277227
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>>277133
nta but what if initially there's a spark but then something happens without you noticing and then when you realize, you have no (or seemingly no) attraction. Was that a fake spark? does it mean you're only attracted to people you just met?
No. 277378
>>277371There's no such thing as doomed, but it definitely becomes more tough in you're 30s, especially if you don't want to settle for men with kids from previous relationships (as you shouldn't). On the upside, you can vet for men who haven't hit the wall at 25 or 30.
That said I personally wholeheartedly believe that a relationship is the cherry on top of an already fulfilling life (satisfying carreer, good social life with friends and family, hobbies) and not a requirement for a fulfilling life, so personally I experience little pressure to find a long term partner asap. Might be different if you want kids I guess.
No. 277415
>>277378Yeah I agree, they might have more baggage but you can vet for men that will keep their looks (and haven't become bitter with age).
I also don't want kids (or will adopt if I eventually do) and love my life as it is. A relationship would be the cherry on top but I think that'll come out of nowhere if I'm enjoying my life and having fun versus if I'm tearing my hair out trying to find a scrote on dating apps.
No. 277425
>>277372>>277399How is someone having hardships in life a red flag?
In general yeah, the older you date the more baggage people will bring into your life, but so will you and as two mature adults you can support each other; and not approach it with incel-like mentality that it's all doomed and expired past certain age.
No. 277440
>>277385 >this behavior and outcome is bullet dodged right? Absolutely. I wouldn't even try to be friends like you're planning.. he seems highly likely to suck you back in and end up repeating this.
I got proposed to after 3 months but we ended up going through with a wedding a year later. Then he ghosted 2 years into the marriage. The quick proposal was so flattering at the time.. lol. I know there's no perfect timeline but there's pacing that stands out as being insane and your ex fits that pretty well. Be careful.
No. 277446
>>277398>>277390>>277389Thanks nonnies, typing it out made me realize even more over the top he was being. In a way it's good it's over with, just need to process and move on.
>>277440Ghosted in marriage? Sounds horrible, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I hope things are better for you these days. I've definitely no intentions of getting back together with him- after all, how can I believe him ever again when he says he loves me? I don't want to perpetually live in anxiety of my partner's instability. But I do appreciate him as a person outside of the relationship- so I was thinking of giving it a tentative try as friends after I take some space for myself.
No. 277667
not sure whether i should post this in the stupid questions thread instead because i feel really stupid tbh but here we go. i recently broke up from quite a short (not even 1 year) but very intense relationship and it was pretty much my fault. i feel like this was a right person, wrong time type of thing..
i think i have quite a lot of unprocessed traumas from childhood and the last 3 years were especially hard for me (lots of family issues and deaths among other things) and i've been dealing with depression and being suicidal on and off. i have this tendency to self-sabotage and push people away from me, even friends.
i don't think i ever hurt him too much, but i was often very harsh and cold with him, not really because i wanted to treat him bad but because i have absolutely no capacity to open up to others, especially not in such a short amount of time (i never opened up to him about my depression for example so i think he just thinks i'm a very moody person that gets agitated often lol it is something he brought up before). usually after arguments (when i tried to push him away) he would be the one to come back to me and try to make peace, but i feel like after last time he will not be coming back because it just happened so many times.
i just feel so awful because of how i treated him at times and i often think he deserves better, but i miss him a lot. if i didn't have all this mental shit we would be perfect for each other. we have the same values and goals in life and he's just an amazing, kind and strong person and i can't even imagine spending my life with someone else other than him. i know right now it's pretty much only up to me to try and fix things, but i'm afraid if i tried to contact him now i would just hurt him again. i do have one excuse to message him though, his birthday is coming up lol. i'm just really conflicted about what to do. should i try and salvage things or just send him a happy birthday text and see where things go? i don't know..
and yes, i am looking for a therapist now.
No. 278027
>>278024The thing is everyone has a different idea of what "I love you" means, to the point where it almost means nothing unless you really know the person and their intentions. It could mean they actually love you and want to spend their life with you, it could mean they have fun being around you until things get difficult, it can mean they like sexing you, etc.
So never take those words at face value until you see actual commitment, effort, and loving actions from them over a long period of time. Especially when it's said so early in the relationship, they are probably just high from the excitement of meeting someone new and attractive.
No. 278049
I don't know how to not feel bad about this.
I'm with a great guy. I've never wanted to get married, but within 3 months he stated that he really wanted to marry me, that that was his intent. He still states this 3 years later. He regularly calls me his wife. He has told others publicly that he wants to marry me.
I don't want anything special, I want to elope. I don't like weddings. I don't like attention on me. He, on the other hand, has wanted a wedding, but he accepts I don't want one.
My thing is, we're still not married. It used to be "we'll get married when he graduates". Then he graduated. Then it become a thing of "once he gets a real full time job". This really broke me because it took him 3-4 years to graduate which was much longer than we initially expected. I tried to pull myself together. The difficult thing is, now I feel very hurt by this whole ordeal. I never even felt comfortable with marriage as a concept in the first place, but I basically tried to make myself excited because I knew this was a great guy and it makes sense for us to be partners.
Now he's committed to working at a relative's and sincerely learn their trade, but the catch is, he's always been working there, just part time. Now it is full time and he really is trying to learn the trade. He gave up on finding a job within his major and he has always being planning to go to grad school. Great, but now that he is really working for his relatives, nothing has been brought up regarding actually getting married though he always talks about it as if it will happen. It hurts my feelings a lot and I don't say anything because I feel like nothing good will come of it. I made a rule for myself that I'd never bring it up because of how badly I was affected by talking about it last time. He told me last time he didn't want it to be about waiting for him, he wants it to be a mutual decision. But I don't feel like it is that way. I have my shit together and I work and I graduated a year before him and I still go to school for fun and to accumulate credits in case I want a graduate degree in a different field than what I majored in. He does do the majority of the chores and such. But I just feel really hurt by this. I feel like by the time he does want us to get actually married, I'll do it, but I will definitely not be excited or happy because I'm over feeling this way. To make matters worse, it hurts my feelings (not his fault) that we have to hide my car payments because he cosigned and he states that he knows his parents won't like that. I have lived with them for a year and they've known me for the whole relationship, I went over every weekend before I lived here. It just makes me feel small and awful.
I don't know what to do or say. I feel like I'll go nuclear if I speak about it.
No. 278073
>>278066What I don't get from your story is what's stopping you/him from eloping anytime soon? Why the wait? It's not like you need to save a lot of money for a big wedding so I can't think of why he'd still wanna wait for an undetermined period of time?
>I don't say anything because I feel like nothing good will come of it. I made a rule for myself that I'd never bring it up because of how badly I was affected by talking about it last time. Not talking about it isn't bringing you much good either though.
No. 278085
>>278073I still don't know.
I talked to him today about it and he apologized. He said it wasn't fair to me he kept on giving me a forecast and that he was foolish for doing it. But he didn't really say anything as to why we haven't married. Just that we need to consider what marriage would do for us and how things would be affected by it.
So basically, I need to wait longer for him to actually talk about that.
No. 278111
>>278108Anon said she 'eased up on clinginess' so that sounds like it's been an issue in the past, I couldn't blame him if he thought she needs friends outside of him even if she got it more under control.
Most people think everyone needs friends to function and be happy, I don't necessarily agree but I really doubt he's got sinister intentions for wanting her to have a social life.
No. 278119
File: 1658887321808.gif (944.05 KB, 500x281, hugz.gif)
>>277667Nonny I could have written this myself. I hope it makes you feel less alone and dumb, I know I surely felt that way. My story has some different details but overall same issue. I'm still currently kinda trying to figure out how to mend our relationship. I haven't started therapy and probably will be a really long time until I do because I can't afford it atm but I'm doing the best with what I can. I used our anniversary as an excuse to reach out to him. These sorts of things take time so please be patient with yourself. What I do now, whenever I'm in a bad mood or feel it creeping up, instead of lashing out and running away, I take time for myself to watch movies or read, paint, meditate, dance and sing along, just anything to keep me grounded. Find something similar to anchor you. It could be a hobby or it could be something simple like with me. You can't just cease doing whatever bad thing you're currently doing is overnight though. You will feel lost, because whether you realize it or not that thing you're doing is a maladaptive coping mechanism that provides you comfort, especially if you're depressed like you say you are. So, find a healthy way cope to replace it with. It's not fool-proof but it helps a bit. It also helps tremendously that he's very understanding and believes in me. Acknowledge everything you said in your post to him including that you're looking into therapy, it'll be a sign of good faith to him. It'll help him understand you. Also, if you were anything like me during the relationship and you're able to get him back, start practicing gratitude for him. Thank him for the ways he has supported you and/or earned your trust, etc. in the past and going forward. It goes a long way in nourishing and revitalizing a relationship. It seems like a no-brainer but I know for those not in the right mindset it might be more difficult than normal. Whatever you decide your path forward or outcome is, congratulations nonetheless in recognizing your own shortcomings and working to overcome them; not alot of people feel comfortable owning up to them so it's admirable you did!
No. 278156
>>278143Real husband. Typo because my autocorrect is full of retarded shit.
Am I really the asshole if he literally brings it up 14 times a day and squashes other conversations to discuss the Dino’s? If it was once or twice a day I’d be happy to just smile and listen but smiling and listening to thirty plus minutes of it a day is wearing me down. If he’d just space it out with other shit I’d be content to let him bang on about it but it’s more than ten times a day every day..
I know he doesn’t like stuff I like because I have stopped discussing anything he said he found annoying.
If I talk about our other interests he just drags it back to dinosaurs.
-I found a really cool rock at work today babe, I think it’s citrine…
Oh cool I dig some of that up on ark when I was looking for some dinosaur..
-It’s a nice day how about we go work on the patio?
Nah I wanna finish building the seventeenth base in ark
- baby look I named this dinosaur a pun!
-This episode reminds me of thing from ark!
-Holy shit honey our state minister wants to outlaw abortions I am worried..
Awww that sucks come look at this baby dinosaur on vidya
Nothing is unrelated. It’s the first thing he talks about in the morning and the last thing he mentions before sleep.
No. 278160
>>278156NTAYRT but have you told him bluntly that you can't handle it? My bf talks for fucking days and I talked to him about it finally because I ended up being resentful of how long he talks at times. We decided I can just tell him I am reaching my listening capacity and he won't be upset. The key here is that he fully admits he talks a lot (this fact made me even more angry tbh. if he
knows it's excessive, why does he keep doing it?) so he is not offended when I tell him to stop. It's just the way he is and I love him so I accept it as part of his personality. He just really loves competition and telling me all about it. I wouldn't want it to be anyone else that he comes to. This anon
>>278143 made the point nicely.
>Part of being a good partner is to listen to your partner talk about their special interests, even if you don't care about them you should at least pretend to care cause it makes him happy. He probably doesn't care about everything you tell him either. No. 278162
>>278161Literally says ~I know you’re so sick of hearing about it but today thing on ark happened with this breed of dinosaur and this breed and this breed and this specific piece of equipment!
But won’t hesitate to let me know he’s sick of my interests and that I annoy his friends with them.
No. 278164
>>278162Ew
nonny. Dump him, this is a symptom of a much bigger problem.
No. 278165
>>278160Told him, he acknowledged it and went back to vidya talk five minutes afterwards and ignores that I don’t ask questions or engage with it beyond listening and saying “mhmm..ok..oh wow crazy..uhhuh”
It’s as if he prefers this to having actual conversation.
No. 278167
>>278166He’s not even the autistic one in the relationship.
It’s a new thing since he got the stupid Xbox and I was happy he was happy at first but he’s gotten obsessed. Still goes to work and shit, just wont stop listing dinosaur breeds and shit like I’m super into the game as well.
For nine years he’s been totally normal and a great conversationalist. Idk wtf has gotten into him.
No. 278169
>>278167>For nine years he’s been totally normal and a great conversationalist. What about this tho?
>But won’t hesitate to let me know he’s sick of my interests and that I annoy his friends with them.He sounds like a prick.
No. 278170
>>278169I’d rather not throw away nine years of very happy living over raptors and mosasaurs, and imo it’s more normal and healthy to solve a minor problem than bail as soon as I struggle.
I wanna know why someone smart and curious would become so goddamn obtuse over a month of playing video game, not file for divorce
No. 278174
>>278170Like
>>278173 said stop taking his bs and demand effort.
No. 278254
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>>278249His name if he’s who I think he is is Steven Micheal. He’s Romanianons ex. Pic related.
No. 278282
>>278085I guess he wants to start more of his other career stuff first.
Idk. I just feel like shit. I don't know what to do. I never cared for marriage before him and then it became something for me. I just want to cry all day and I feel so duped. He is hurt and keeps on saying how much he loves and sacrifices for me, which he has, and he keeps on asserting he loves me, but I just don't understand why he would say stuff like that to me.
No. 278290
>>278282So finally I got it out of him that it's my issues. I'm very neurotic and such.
I don't know how to feel. I feel like I've never been good at my relationship even though I try, but it's like, I don't want pity because I'm so wretched and evil I deserve it.
No. 278328
My bf is great but his mother is driving me insane. She has weaponized helplessness and demands my bf give her rides everywhere multiple times a week, even to places in easy walking distance, and she's in shape and able bodied so there is no excuse for it. I'm certain she's just lonely and using it as an excuse to demand attention. Our city has amazing transit, and his mother lives only a few blocks away from me and it's a very walkable neighborhood, I walk to all the places she demands a ride to. He keeps canceling dates with me because he's exhausted from driving her around all the time. And he told me this is AFTER he's ALREADY set boundaries with her. I'm getting really fed up with it. Learn to fucking say no. Just say no, say you already have plans. I'm tired of being put last. I've been going out with him for 2 years and he's responsive when I ask him to improve on something, so I don't want to dump him, but I've spoken with him about this before and it keeps happening.
I don't speak to my parents and am not sure what a healthy relationship with your mother looks like, so I'm second guessing myself a bit, but it's pretty out of line to cancel a date with your gf to take your mother to a grocery store she can walk to, isn't it?
No. 278329
>>278029>>278027>>278026Thanks anons, appreciate the responses.
>>278256>>/pol/tard but supports trannies and hates women, jews and black peopleOh god, we all know where this is headed ladies…
No. 278351
>>278328you're not his priority, either for reasons he doesn't care about you enough or his mother is manipulative and he doesn't know how to stand up for himself. how long have you been dating this guy?
>>278324anon, are you afraid of taking risks? if you really want to get married, if you feel like marriage will symbolize something deeper for you, jump on the train with him and tell him
you want to get married to him. don't keep it one sided and have him tug you along. my bf and i established we had our imagination running with visions of us being married and having kids within weeks of the beginning of our relationship. maybe a retarded thing to do, but it helps give us the idea we really want our relationship to work out and communicate effeciently. if it's a long term thing you want and not just a few years, he's going to treat marriage like low priority thing to reconsider often if you're not estatic at least a little bit. do
you talk about a distant future together, like getting a place together or just buying little things here and there to share with each other?
No. 278396
Is it wrong to have sex with a guy if he's not your boyfriend? Am I ruining a possible relationship by doing this?
I'm having sex regularly with a guy friend. We hang out a few times a week. Usually we cook together, have sex, cuddle, and go out for a walk or to do some activity together. We kiss too, even outside sex. We've talked about eventually dating, which is fine with me.
Does this mean he actually likes me? He doesn't act like other guys who have been attracted to me. He's very casual about it, he doesn't seem desperate for my affection or attention. I like the way he is, I like that we can be actual friends, but I wonder if what we do means anything to him. Or if he's even interested in me. He strokes my hair and makes me compliments, but I don't know if he means it. I asked him what he thinks and he said that he likes me, and that he likes the sum of us and what we're building, and that he wants to eventually date.
But then a friend of mine told me that I shouldn't sleep with him or do "girlfriend things" if I'm not his girlfriend because that means he will not feel the need to compromise, and that he will keep using me for sex. This made me feel insecure. I don't think it's true that all guys want low compromise sex, and that all women hate sex and only do it to keep their men. It seems ridiculous. I enjoy having sex with him, that's why I do it. Now I feel like I'm not manipulating him enough into dating me. I doubt he's using me, but now I can't get that idea out of my head.
For context I've never been in a relationship before, and he and I are both 20.
No. 278400
>>278397He's not having sex with other girls, he'd tell me if he was. Although he said he wants to fuck one of his male friends, which I don't mind. They haven't done it yet, though.
I don't know if he wants to be in a relationship or not.
>>278399Yes, I want to date him. I just don't know how to handle it.
No. 278410
>>278351I think it's his mom, he's vented to me about her before. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with her but she's always had serious issues and has refused therapy. I just need him to tell her that if we already has plans with me, he will honor his obligation, and his needy mother will not starve to death waiting 1 more day for a ride to the grocery store, or she can take the bus or walk or pay for a lyft like anyone else. We've been going out 2 years and this happens every few months. It's nice that he loves his mother but I personally have zero patience with dysfunctional grown adults who weaponize helplessness because they're lonely and too 'tistic to make friends. Apparently she has always been really annoying and demanding and stubborn. She has literally 4 grocery stores in walking distance of her apartment and still demands rides everywhere. She's just manipulating him into keeping her company because she has no life.
I've only met her once and that was by accident. I think to some degree he's protecting me from the crazy. But I need him to keep his dates and be able to tell his mother he already has plans. I've spoken with him about it before, he understands and agrees with me, but still won't do it.
I want to feel like I am his priority.
No. 278413
>>278411We use a condom and I don't really mind if he fucks other people. It's really none of my business.
I'm bisexual, too. I don't mind that he likes men.
>>278412I don't think he'd lie to me about it because there's no reason to lie. I wouldn't mind if he were with someone else. He doesn't have a gf. I thinkd I'd known at this point, I know his phone's password. I think he'd just be honest about it. We're pretty open.
No. 278419
>>278416I trust him. I wouldn't have sex with someone I don't trust. And he has given me zero reasons to be distrustful, as I'm aware of where he is and what he does most of the time. I know who he has a crush on or who he's been with. He's a good friend, above anything else.
>>278414What?
I don't like monogamy. If polygamy doesn't work for you, that doesn't mean it won't work for me. I have different standards for a relationship. It isn't evil or retarded to prefer other type of arrangements, as long as things are being talked and there's honesty.
No. 278422
>>278420Do you realize those are not contradictory statements, right?
I see no point in jealousy, and I've avoided dating so far because most people are very jealous and possessive.
No. 278429
>>278421My bad for asking for advice in lolcow, of all places.
Joke's on them becauase I have a crush on someone else, and I'd like to bring them into my existing fwb arrangement (if they'd like it, of course.)
>>278424Being ugly is not a crime or has any moral value, retard.
>>278425That's not quite the issue here.
>>278427I second this. A lot of people I know have these sorts of arrangements and it is just fine. I'd rather talk about it than being cheated on. Monogamous people seem to get cheated on quite often, I wonder why…
No. 278475
>>278446Yes, we get tested. No, we don't have fetishes. Just vanilla sex and cuddling.
>>278459What's pathetic?
The type of arrangement that I want is that the two of us, plus another guy, have a relationship of three people. The guy in question is our crush, and the guy seems to be into the two of us.
I don't really care what he calls me, the title doesn't change how the relationship actually works.
No. 278520
As a dependent/anxious attachment person how do I break things off? I've never successfully broken up with a guy even though I've tried, it's only when he breaks it off with me I'm nearly relieved and it stays.
He has a kid who won't be introduced to me yet (I agree). We were on the balcony and he suddenly asked me to get inside, turns out he thought his kid was coming. On one hand I get it, on the other it was humiliating, was there really no better way to handle that?
On top of that he's been treating me gradually less respectfully. Because I ultimately stay it's been getting worse I think, just by tiny bits.
For example, I'm on my period and yesterday he asked for a blowjob outright and apologised a lot once he saw my face of disdain. In terms of oral its always been hugely in my favor, rarely I'd ask if he wants one and he'd say only if you want to, but the precedent is that he never asks, only if I've offered it a lot that night or something.
Maybe these examples don't seem egregious but it's been near a year and he's been so careful and eager to please that those examples felt like a shock to the system. For the balcony thing I walked out of his apartment immediately.
But I can't help but keep thinking of the potential of it getting better. I don't know, it's so difficult for me.
No. 278527
>>278520How is asking for a blowjob disrespectful when you're in a relationship? It's not like he's your college professor, he's your boyfriend.
Either way, just tell him you don't have feelings for him anymore and don't want to see him anymore, there's nothing he can do about that.
No. 278534
>>278527Because the whole premise of our sexual behavior is we only do stuff if we want to, I've told him before that asking puts me off, plus he said just for 5 minutes, as if it's a service to bargain for. It gave me the ick, I hate it when men ask for sexual favors.
>>278531I try actually break up then backtrack, or think about it and cling closer. It always fills me with fear to actually do it.
>>278522Thank you, it's good advice to keep in mind. When I say dependent I mean I think to a severe degree, like I think it's mental illness. When I'm coupled and my partner treats me nicely I feel good about myself, but if he treats me not so nicely I feel bad as in I'm a bad person, my self esteem is closely tied to his perception of me. God forbid I ever get with an actual abuser. So breaking it off really truly feels like killing off a part of me.
To be honest walking out yesterday is the most assertive thing I've maybe ever done, usually I'd start prepping to go then tell him I'm annoyed and stay and rationalise. I'm even questioning if it was shitty. I think it was, in no circumstances should you tell your partner to hide, right? I mean I'm not sure if I'll be leaving the country come November so I do get it, but ugh.
No. 278558
>>278520The oral thing, I've always been turned off when outright asked for one but I do enjoy doing it of my own volition when the mood strikes me. I've learnt to let bfs know that. They can drop hints or subtley test the waters but something about them outright asking is a mood killer. You're not on your own in that way. I strongly disagree with the anon saying that oral is something you just do for bfs because of your period. An attitide like that will turn oral into more and more of a chore over time.
>dependent/anxious attachment style >he has a kidProbably saving yourself a rollercoaster of emotions by getting out now.
No. 278559
I don’t know if this is more of a vent or what. Recently, I have been seeing/dating this guy. He’s really great in so many ways. We have the same taste in music, doesn’t want kids, he doesn’t like hookup culture, has never been to a bar or strip club, pro-choice, works out, not terminally online, and hates the trans agenda. He’s cute in a lot of ways too.
What bugs me is that he is so socially awkward? It’s like he’s stunted or something. I almost wonder if he’s autistic, but I don’t want to ask. He’s not always emotionally available if I want to vent (although he makes an effort). He also just has no idea how to be sexy, any time I flirt he sort of dodges it and doesn’t know how to respond. Also, despite him being the much older one, he only works part-time jobs, while I already have a career going. I dunno, I feel like I hit the jackpot and I do have attraction for him, but he’s just such a tease and it gets a little annoying. He’s sweet and all, but immature and so socially awkward in conversation sometimes. I guess you have to have trade-offs in any relationship though, I’ve never met a guy that had such good values before.
No. 278563
>>278553The enjoyment is from pleasing your partner and watching them enjoy it. I mean there are no nerve endings giving you pleasure in your mouth obviously.
If you only ever give oral sex when you are "in the mood for it" then.. well I guess it explains why so many men complain about never receiving it. When you're feeling horny you might as well have proper sex. In my opinion oral sex is for when only one partner feels in the mood and the other doesn't want to have proper sex or can't due to menstruation or health reasons. And for foreplay of course, but I don't really count it if it's not to completion. I don't mind doing things for my boyfriend that mostly benefit him since he does the same for me if I ask for it. I also would rather he come to me and ask if I am up for it than go jerk off to porn, but I guess that's not everyone.
No. 278569
>>278563The more you go into detail the less I agree kek. But I think what we agree on is that you should give oral only when you want to.
Yeah it's just such a strange take to me. If I want to give oral I'll offer. If I'm not offering, he knows I don't want to. And yeah I'd give oral if I'm not in the mood but had the desire to make him happy, but I think no way should he ask me it. It'd be like him walking up to me and asking hey can you make me dinner? It's rude af
No. 278574
>>278562I’m 25, he’s 31. We’ve both been out of a relationship for a year.
>>278565Not asexual, since he’s had 2 long-term girlfriends before me. I had to really pull the sex conversation out of him and even then it was brief. However, both of his exes cheated on him and while I know cheating is always wrong (it sucks and it’s what happened in my last relationship), I can’t help but wonder if it’s because he wasn’t satisfying them.
>>278568He seems adept enough to want to go on walks and visit public gyms? But yeah, he did tell me he doesn’t visit bars because people “are aggressive”. I’m not a drinker anyways.
We’ve only been seeing eachother for around 2 weeks now, so maybe things will change. Maybe he is just really slow when it comes to anything romantic? It just feels so middle-school sometimes with how he talks to me, but he’s nice. I’ve had too many experiences with fuckboys that are more forward, so this is just very different.
No. 278576
>>278573you could not have misread this worse if you tried
it's not that it's a red flag, it's just that it's not a green flag either because moids will hate these things for moid reasons, not the same ones we do. so don't see it as some sort of a saving grace when it's accompanied by turbo autism.
No. 278579
>>278578And honestly I think it’s because he was raised by his mother (who now has a wife of her own). He had an
abusive father that left early. Maybe there’s incel reasons but I think it’s just because he was raised with mostly women.
No. 278584
>>278563 >If you only ever give oral sex when you are "in the mood for it" then.. well I guess it explains why so many men complain about never receiving itIs it honestly a foreign concept to you that some people do get horny for going down on their partner and that it can be an enthusiastic act for both? That it's not a service act to everyone and you can initiate it and get off on it as the giver too?
>When you're feeling horny you might as well have proper sex.Sometimes you just want to go down. You don't want piv. That's the point. You can enjoy acts that are giving and it's not just you doing your partner a favor to hold them over til PIV is happening again. It can be the main event if you're into it
No. 278595
>>278587Yeah I don’t mind the age gap, I just expected a guy that’s in his 30s to be a little more mature and have more job prospects. I already have a full-time job and career, while he’s still working a part time job (I didn’t know this until recently). There’s lots of times where I feel way more of an adult than him, and it’s a turn-off. I expected more experience.
>>278586Yes it does feel like there’s some sort of masculinity missing to him. He isn’t very suave in any way, and I’m more of a romantic. I don’t want a man hoe either but damn I’m just not getting anything. A lot is just making me cringe.
I only had 1 relationship of 5 years, so dating and navigating through this has been tough. Thanks to anons that responded. I might just wait a little longer and see what happens (not like I have anything else going on), and if nothing improves I’ll move on.
No. 278605
>>278595I wouldn't usually sweat 5 or 6 years if things are otherwise alright but yeah him being the older one and yet being stunted without a good explanation is the bigger issue. He's had over a decade of adulthood to notice and seek out answers for whatever underlying issue is holding him back all this time.
Is he making rent working part time?
No. 278609
>>278603This. It's a slippery slope when people start treating certain forms of sex as something you don't have to be in the mood for. Oral isn't an exception to the rule.
I hate the thought of young women coming on here for advice and seeing shit like that being repeated to death like it's normal. I'm not uptight about bjs. I like giving them but seeing them referred to like that.. yeah that isn't a healthy outlook. Makes them sound like housework you have to tick off your chore list.
No. 278613
>>278604Nta, of course all men want blowjobs but doesn't mean you have to give them. I didn't give my last ex of nearly 4 years a single blowjob because I set the boundary from the beginning that wasn't gonna happen. Did give handjobs tho.
Set clear boundaries from the beginning and don't allow them to be crossed. If you don't do that it's easy to snowball into degen shit because he asks for a bit more every time.
No. 278639
>>278622I’m not trying to attack you so please don’t take offense. I’m just being blunt and going to try to give some real advice. Insecurity and anxiety can lead to manipulative behavior that’s just as
toxic and harmful to the people you’re doing it to as intentional malicious manipulation meant to abuse can. A lot of people who are manipulative don’t see themselves like it. They learned early in childhood I press these buttons I get what I want. Maybe you even had a neglectful parent?
In cases like this things that can be manipulative are things that make your feelings other peoples fault or responsibility. This can be a lot of things. From acting upset over better opportunities, getting defensive when friends hang out with other people, to shaming people for their opinions with person attacks instead of respectful debate that doesn’t come down to them as a person.
>>you’re really going to hang out with them >>hey you know when you do (basic part of your personality that isn’t harmful, like getting excited over seeing every dog or not wanting to go out when it rains) it upsets me and you should stop. (Just because you don’t understand doesn’t make their feelings invalid.) For the relationships you’ve recently lost the best things is to at this point respect it. They most likely don’t want to resume and you can’t force them to. If you try and don’t respect their request for space you are being manipulative and crossing boundaries. If you want to do anything. I’d say.
>>”I didn’t know you felt that way and I’m sorry. I will respect your space and if some point you feel comfortable, I’d like to know my behaviors that upset you so I can work on them for my future relationships. Thank you for your friendship up until now though and I wish you the best.” No. 278651
File: 1659123687430.gif (1.23 MB, 500x282, acd81f8d0661822b10804f57a39754…)
Is it bad to want your partner to take care of himself?
My husband has kind of let himself go throughout the lockdown. I am the only person that works out, when he is the type to just spend his time in front of a PC after work and order pizza. I want us to work out together, we even own scooters (not enough space to have bikes here), dumbbells, ring fit adventure game… He doesn't seem to want to do anything new with his life, really. I supported him in learning a new hobby from the start, and it worked, he is fixated a lot on it and i am happy to watch him progress, but I wonder if it's bad that I wish we could be fit, not just me. I admit I am really into muscular men, and back when we first met he at least used dumbbells (to impress me of course, all of the honeymoon phase crap). I openly told him that I would want him to go back to working out, but he just said that he doesn't want to, and I should just accept him the way he is. But really, it's not even about the appearance part, I generally want us to be both healthy and take good care of ourselves! I wonder if I could somehow figure out if there is a way to put short workouts in his schedule. He works a lot, so he is always tired, so he has time only for his language learning and a bunch of personal projects. I feel bad, feeling like I am asking for too much, after all I understand what it's like.
No. 278655
>>278651When you say "let himself go" what level are we talking here? Because theres a big difference between someone dropping all their healthy habits and becoming an unhealthy mess vs someone who is the exact same as before minus a dumbbell routine. I think if its
just the workouts and everything else is still healthy (his diet, walks to the store/to work/etc./rodes the scooter regularly) then imo he might not die of obesity kek
No. 278660
>>278574My guess he's not trying to fall too fast because of him being previously cheated on. If they were long term then he's probably a little more worried of falling in the same trap. On top of that, do you know anything about his upbringing? Were his parents good together? Growing up in a
toxic household can also stem into how he carries out his own relationships due to not having those role models.
No. 278662
>>278651No. I was with someone who put on 100 pounds. I was no longer attracted to them. I thought it wouldn’t matter but the first time a stomach gets in the way it’s just not sexy. They’re a blob. Fat men are gross to me.
If you’re not attracted them don’t do anything with him and if he gets upset tell him you’re not attracted to him. Don’t have to be mean. But you also shouldn’t force yourself to like someone you don’t.
No. 278701
>>278700You're completely brain dead, holy fuck
The same could be said for eating pussy
No. 278763
>>278750>we know lesbians top the charts for domestic violence.Band: Lesbians
Album: Domestic Violence
Time on Billboad's Top One Hundred: [Make your own joke here]
No. 278824
>>278823Who's baiting who? All it takes is for me to even type the word "poly" and you all start seeing red and seething kek. Here, I'll test it out:
poly
No. 279032
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>>278998I've seen this time and time again. If he's suddenly breaking up with you, it's actually not that sudden. Hes probably thought about it for a good while beforehand and decided something or someone else would be more pleasurable or exciting to give his attention to. He got into a good relationship and got scared like a fool. That's how men are, they chase what's exciting, discard what's good for them and they will give you a bullshit pseudo-introspective reason for it to "not hurt you" (more accurately- reconcile their ego with the fact that they're being a dickhead, and to make you not too angry so you can be put on the backburner if the other opportunity falls apart).
The most powerful thing you can do is research no contact method (for your own moral support and motivation) and give him exactly the breakup he asked for. Radio silence, total avoidance.
I've done this every time sudden hearbreak happens to me and every single one was shocked I didn't cry and even try to ask him what went wrong. Just an "Alright. Goodbye." Every single one crawled back eventually to breadcrumb and try to get back in my good graces. Usually took less than a year. And by then I am so over them and amused by their regret.
Don't even keep him on any social media. He wants you out of his life, give him just that. If he's even half as decent as you probably imagine he is, he will falter and apologize after a while. Whether you want him back or not, know that if he was as good as your idealized image of him, he wouldn't even let this happen in the first place. A scrote is a scrote is a scrote.
No. 279035
>>279032nayrt but this is great advice,
nonnie. moids are so retarded
No. 279074
>>279032Thank you for this, it made me feel a little bit more sane. For the past week I've been feeling so awful about myself, but now that I've thought about the situation as a whole more and talked about it I'm just angry and glad that it ended before we got too involved with each other. I just hate how many times he touched me knowing what he was going to do as soon as the vacation was over. You're probably right that it wasn't sudden. I guess I was trying to rationalize it because I don't understand how anyone could do something like this in general, I don't think I knew him like I thought I did. I'll try this out.
>>279067That's what I'm thinking now too. There's no way he could've met someone while on vacation but now I think he was definitely in contact with someone from his past while we were together and probably before the vacation even started, just testing the waters in the very least. His explanation just makes less and less sense the more I think about it.
No. 279091
>>279089Like….it just makes me so grossed out. I like sucking his dick and doing stuff like that but it just makes me feel so disgusting he'd love the idea of 2 or 3 girls doing that. It just is such an intrusive thought I don't know how to deal with it. It just makes me depressed. I hate how I continually sabotage my relationship like this. I make huge deals out of little thing when he treats me so well and he really doesn't want anything crazy sexually. I just feel so broken and I wish my mind didn't get stuck on these things. Like, oh, it doesn't matter to me he said the same thing about anal - he's very opposed to anal, but it just digs and digs at me in regards to this.
Idk I wish I weren't so fucked up. I wish I could have a normal relationship and not fight over little things. Like, i feel like my mind is so fucked up because I feel like the other person has to think a certain way or they don't love me or it's not fair because they aren't exactly like me in a certain way and I just hate it. I don't allow myself to fantasize sexually because I've always just wanted to enjoy it with the person I'm with. I just hate this. I don't want to change because I want someone to love me for who I am, but I feel like shit because it's like I want to change him for something that isn't even going to affect us.
No. 279092
I want my boyfriend to lose weight, but I don't know how to bring it up. I have two small, inconsequential reasons, and one BIG reason.
1. I've seen pictures of him at lower weights and while I love and desire him now, holy. shit. He was a male stripper ffs, he was cut.
2. He's told me that his dick is huge when he's at a lower weight and I believe him. It would make sex better for me.
Like I said, those reasons don't really matter that much to me, I already love how he looks and our sex life is great.
But the third reason is big. I'm worried about his health. His joints are hurting all the time, he has constant heartburn, and when he sleeps, he snores - LOUDLY - and sometimes he stops breathing for up to 30 seconds at a time. I've brought this up to him by asking him to see a doctor about it, and he says all the doctor will tell him is lose weight. He said he loses weight super easily, and every summer he ends up getting super fit, but it's August and there's been weight gain, if anything.
I don't want him to feel bad about his body - he's already said he doesn't like his body, and I don't want to make it worse. I want him to feel good about himself, physically and mentally. How do I broach the subject?
I can't control what he eats, he does the cooking. I've asked him to cut back on his drinking but that's not an option. I want to have a long, healthy, active life with him. I'm afraid I won't if he keeps on the same lifestyle path. What the fuck do I say????
No. 279093
>>279092in the same exact boat as you
nonnie, it's such a difficult subject to broach. I was thinking of starting the gym with my bf to encourage him, as he used to work out.
No. 279099
>>279091Stop gaslighting yourself. It's absolutely normal and
valid to be upset about the fact that your boyfriend basically told you he wants to have sex with someone who is not you, even if you are included in this fantasy. It's a fucked up thing to say and he should have kept it to himself, but it honestly says a lot about him.
Before I got married I decided to set pretty clear boundaries at the start of every relationship when it comes to infidelity and other women and one thing I made clear at the start aside from not being ok with porn is that I will NEVER participate in a threesome and even asking me for that will be the end of the relationship because to me that is basically like saying "you are not enough for me, I want to have sex with women who are not you". It's basically cuckoldry and men should stop being comfortable with admitting they want to cuck you. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you told him your biggest fantasy is being spitroasted by two men with bigger dicks than him while he watches. It's hurtful to tell your partner you want to have sex with someone else. You are not fucked up for feeling hurt by that.
No. 279104
>>279093I asked if he'd want to join a gym and he was actually really excited by the idea! So that's a good start.
I also just asked if he'd be willing to cook healthier meals with more proteins and fats, less carbs (framed it as a favour for me since I'm putting on some extra weight too) and he said he'd start looking up recipes.
I hope this works. I just want him to be healthy and fit.
No. 279106
>>279099>>279101He wasn't saying he wanted a threesome. We were talking about fetishes and what we would think of other people if they liked certain fetishes and somehow we got onto the topic of anal and he was saying casually that like threesomes, it's an idea he'd never actually want to do, but he found the idea fine in of itself.
Idk maybe I am gaslighting myself. I don't know how to talk to him about it because I bitch about everything.
No. 279107
>>279106Does your man call you bringing up your feelings and concerns "bitching?" Does he make you feel unreasonable? Shut down conversations when you try to tell how you feel? Make you feel like your thoughts are a burden?
Then he does not respect you. If he doesn't respect you, he can't love you. If your boyfriend respected you he would listen to you - even about stuff he doesn't agree with, even if you're telling him things that make him feel bad.
When I tell my boyfriend something he did or said is upsetting to me, he doesn't make me feel like I'm a pain in the ass, even if he doesn't think it's a big deal. He listens and asks questions and we try to work problems out together. If your boyfriend doesn't do that, you need to get rid of him. He is making you doubt yourself as a partner and as a person. Not okay. You need to be with someone who makes you feel like you can open up without fear of repercussions.
No. 279112
>>279107I feel like I've made him afraid of the reprecussions of speaking openly around me. I don't want to contribute more which is why I'm hesitant to make an issue of this He isn't a guy that watches porn, he's very straight edge and he acts like he respects me despite the fact I'm a bpdfag. The fact I'm a bpdfag means I make things difficult in our relationship due to my paranoia that is unfounded and based off my terrible relationships with other men in my life. I can imagine it's exhausting for him, hence why I call it bitching. He himself does not call it that.
If a woman said she liked the idea of threesomes only in theory, but not in reality, I think that would be crazy for her man to dump her over that.
No. 279126
>>279124You're probably right. I'm used to dating guys that make everything into a big production and argument. Feeling a little silly that it took anons pointing that out to realize it, but hey, that's what advice threads are for.
Thanks everyone.
No. 279132
>>279101>cheat>with permissionwhere did this retarded saying come from? it's self-contradictory
anyway, group sex and threesomes consistently rank among the top fantasies for both men and women. he straight up told you he prefers to keep it as a fantasy. ignore the retards replying to you who have never had a long term relationship in their lives. if you start feeling like shit about yourself and/or break up with someone the moment they fantasize about someone else or confess to a sexual preference you don't want to fulfill, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of insecurity and loneliness.
No. 279169
>>279165>>279132Yeah. I know he's not evil, it's just, how do I as a person calm myself down over this? I know he doesn't mean it personally, but I take it personally. I don't think he'd be offended if I ever said I had that fantasy, and I don't, not really, because it scares me.
>>279135Could you explain what you mean more? You're basically saying it's bad because then men hold women to these insane standards and that isn't fair because not all women are insane monogamists like some of us. Right?
>>279139>>279159 The thing is, it's not like he was saying he wanted to do it. He wasn't even saying he fantasizes about it as of now. He was just talking about fantasies in general. Before me, he used to watch porn, nothing crazy, but yeah, I'm guessing he would watch threesomes and group sex at times. He was saying it like it was nice to maybe imagine in theory, but he wouldn't actually like it irl even if he weren't in a relationship. And inb4 he still watches porn, he is very committed to not watching porn and I've seen that he means it. It's just I am so sensitive that I take this type of shit personally when it was before I existed in his life.
No. 279235
>>279210He's told me multiple times that he doesn't care if I would want it, he is very much so against anal. He finds it disgusting on a biological level. He doesn't condone it because he thinks it is too easy to spread viruses and other disease with it. I cannot imagine him ever seriously wanting a threesome either because he is strictly monogamous.
I feel like people don't understand I don't actually believe he wants this shit, I just want to know how as a BPDfag to mentally cope with this.
We've been together for 5 years, it's silly I am freaking out about this given all his other qualities. He prides himself on being vanilla and is very happy with our sex life, he is the type of guy who cums in like a minute or less so he's never been into fetishes for real because it's a waste of time for him. It works for me because I cum insanely fast as well. I just have a terrible habit of taking everything personally and being too sensitive.
I guess the good news is that because of all this conversation I decided I need to hone my DBT skills and I'll be joining a group for that and I think I'll look for a therapist again. I don't engage in BPD behaviors, but I do engage in the thought patterns still and I clearly need help regulating them.
No. 279239
>>279221lmao at comparing fantasies about rape and fantasies about threesomes as both being the same "undesirable and disgusting shit". you sound unhinged.
>>279198yeah and we'd be laughing at that boyfriend for being an insecure loser who's jealous of a fantasy
>>279185again, look up how insanely common this fantasy is. i guess everyone is an ugly incel loser except for you who is bitter and seething over what kind of sex other people are having?
No. 279251
>>279091>>279235I do think it's possible to have 'its only hot in my head' type fantasies, ones that'll never leak into real life anyway. Tbh it's a good sign if he's able to differentiate. Plenty of men chase up every lil sexual thought that enters their mind and that's when it's a problem.
I have fantasies I'll never seek out irl. Part of it is that I'm a germaphobe and these fantasies exist in a land where germs don't lol. I've stopped even telling partners about these thoughts because… there's nothing really gained from disclosing it. They either want to act it out (which I don't actually want) or they get it into their head that I'm not fulfilled without it? Sometimes sharing these thoughts is more hassle and worry than its worth. Especially if your partner struggles with overthinking things already.
No. 279262
>>279250Break up with him. A good bf would be empathetic, understanding, and take care of you during your period instead of being a misogynistic asshole.
>>279257I agree. It's so normalized for men to be degenerate that women just lie down and accept it. It's ok to have standards and self-respect. In fact, there's a higher likelihood you'll find your ideal partner that way instead of wasting your time settling for degenerate dime-a-dozen men.
No. 279284
>>279279You
know what to do anon.
DUMPHISASS No. 279286
>>279279Go outside, go pet some animals, watch something funny. Get your mind off of him so you can move on. He is gross and weird, it's fucked up to jerk off to your friend's sister's porn. If you start thinking about it and feel upset, cry, write out your feelings to yourself, or talk to someone, but don't do anything destructive to yourself or anyone else. Accept that he is a gross person, and it's a GOOD THING that you're no longer together. Focus on how it's a benefit to you to not be around someone fucked up like that, and now you can move on with your life, and potentially meet better people.
No. 279304
File: 1659479095666.gif (2.75 MB, 472x640, 234567.gif)
>>279272my virgin ass rn. pls let it not be true god
No. 279308
>>279279This is too easy nonna.
Tell. His. Bestfriend. Grab popcorn, sit back, and enjoy.
No. 279312
>>279092A few things,
nonnie.
Firstly, his dick wasn't bigger when he was lighter, it just looked bigger relative to the rest of his body. So not sure if sex would necessarily improve just based on that. The excess fat around the dick still pushes back for you to have the full length when he thrusts
Secondly, no women should have to put up with someone who snores constantly and can't get any sleep because of him. I know so many older women who are embittered from just this. It sounds like he has sleep apnea. I recommend you try and get him a CPAP machine if you plan on staying with him - it works wonders for snoring and will help him sleep better regardless of his weight (sleep apnea won't necessarily go away if he loses it)
Thirdly, it seems like you have legitimate concerns for his health; broach these with him with utmost seriousness and try to work out a plan and help hold him accountable (maybe you can do it as well?) and don't be afraid to threaten to leave if he can never change. If he has no willpower especially when it comes to making you happy and attracted to him then that's a very bad sign overall.
No. 279316
>>279311>than be tethered to some scrote who jerks off to younger women while you guys are both in your 50s and emotionally abuses you.obviously yeah
but some nonnas here take that to the opposite extreme. there's a difference between "better to be alone than with a porn addict" and "don't settle for anything less than a man who will never find another woman attractive, won't interact with or even think about anyone else but you and will have all the same sexual fantasies you like that will all be centered on you. anything other than this is not worth reserving and will only make you miserable"
No. 279323
>>279321>to see that statement backed up. Anon did say "in fact" after all.Well, I did find the man I want to spend my life with and we are engaged, so that counts for something. I had settled in the past for men who constantly looked at porn, had pornsick fetishes, etc, and it made me severely unhappy and unable to emotionally connect with them knowing that they were jerking off pathetically while I was at work or out with friends. Instead of waiting for me to get back and us mutually being intimate. At least their fetishes weren't violent or anything, but knowing they fantasized about other women killed my attraction. They were decent in other ways, but I still felt such a disconnect. Sadly enough, I was so unsatisfied that I also started fantasizing about my ideal man instead of my partner at the time, kek. Now I have no problems at all with my current partner. He is fully invested in me emotionally, romantically, and sexually.
Basically what I'm saying is: If I was stuck in the same shitty relationship, I would have never found my current partner. By settling you're blocking most of your opportunities to find someone you're truly compatible with.
No. 279411
>>279344Thanks!
>>279357I'm so glad for you. This is how it should be.
No. 279457
>>279453"childfree" is cope. the vast majority of childfree people will readily admit they have shit genes that they do not want to pass on. it's not as much of a choice as they insists it is.
>>279455"x group exists y'all" is sterotypical twitter woketard speak. going to bat for genetic dead-ends just settles it.
No. 279475
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context: been dating for 2 years this summer. he's a major gymbro, i'm a recovered ana.
he was one of the few reasons i tried to recover and succeeded, but now i'm suffering with his help.
i just can't stop conflating my bf to being hungry/eating. before recovery i'd stay at home on my own for 5 days to barely eat and then during weekends come to his place and have guilt-free binges. now, after recovery, i live with him and every day is a binge and he is ok with that. even when he barely had any money (except for 107 dollars for bills) he still came home with my favorite snacks for me, i don't know why, it wasn't some special day for him to do that.
worst is that i cry to him and beg him to stop acting like a feeder, i tell him my self-esteem is lowest of the low and my willpower is null and void. he knew all along i had anorexia, but even before recovery he tried to fix me by just making me eat.
right now this feels like torture because i keep asking him to help me, to keep me away from developing a binge-eating disorder, but he does the opposite. i know he's not responsible for this shit, but he once made a promise to me that he'd help me in any way he can, just as i have always done for him.
now i don't know, is he trying to save me? he always seemed to have a hero complex, because his mom acted like his dad was a horrible abusive alcoholic (he admitted himself this wasn't the case), so since early teenagehood he had to try to protect his mother. is he doing this to me too? what do i do? i know i should find willpower somewhere, but he still promised me once.. at the start of recovery he also promised me "i'll tell you if your eating habits become too much", but, what is too much to a 240lbs gymbro?
No. 279531
>>279519You are both very inexperienced give it time. It takes most women a long time to figure out how to orgasm on their own, let alone how to do it with a man. Also most men are just terrible at it and couldn't make a woman cum if their life depended on it. He is right that you should learn how to do it yourself first and then when you know what you like you can show him how to do it (even then a lot of men are just too dumb to figure it out). Most men don't understand that our anatomy is very complicated, they watch porn in which a woman easily orgasms just from being jackhammered with a dick and think that's how it will work in real life as well.
I'd suggest trying out non-insertion toys like external vibrators, massagers or suckers (like the satisfier) on your own, without him there.
No. 279542
>>279474>he thinks that I should see a physician or therapistI think you should see a hotter boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with you for not enjoying sex with someone you're not physically attracted to.
Plus he's an ass. He could've set up the mood next time, put more effort into his looks, into foreplay, anything. Instead he demands you to "experiment" and outright calls you defective (needs fixing by shrink). It's not "a little dismissive", he's a total ass.
No. 279543
>>279542Samefag, who does that little shit thinks he is when he thinks women need to see a shrink if they say he doesn't sexually please them?!
Smh what a delusional creature
No. 279564
File: 1659619561950.jpg (85.14 KB, 592x800, 26633b7450be1b31a0ff1cf5ccd7aa…)
My boyfriend has a friend he has known since High school. He is dating a girl who him and my boyfriend have known since then too.
>Openly talks to us about how grotesque a certain girl she is friends with is/how she hates her. Meanwhile, said girl considers them both to be bestfriends. Says the same things about my boyfriends ex but they continue to be friends despite her condemning some of her actions.
>She told my boyfriend that his ex didn't find him attractive, thought he had a smaller penis than the guy she cheated/left him for and gave him an awful complex about his appearance. There's been times he wouldn't even want to leave the house.
>There was an incident where my boyfriend expressed online he was pissed at his ex for claiming unemployment in order to buy a new car. Not the smartest move on his end, but it was on his shit post account so I assume he didn't think much of it. This girl sends him a text saying "I told her about the post because I knew she would find out". She is still in kahoots with his ex which I really don't like.
>I'm originally from Europe and theyre all American, we went out for dinner and she made a snide comment about how "nothing is ever authentic enough for (me)".
These are just the incidents that stand out.
We're all in our early to mid twenties and she is still engaging with people she supposedly hates from school. I really don't want to get involved with her because if she is drip feeding us information about how one of her friend engorged herself with food or how his ex is wrong for saying xyz about him, then she is definitely doing the same on the back end with them. The way she acts is so juvenile I want to tell him to just cut her off completely but I don't know if that was jeopardise his friendship.
No. 279575
>>279474I actually think this has some truth. Fingering and eating me out don't do it for me at all, but piv does.
If you have trouble even feeling sexual, that may not be fixed, though. I actually do think a therapist would be helpful if not for helping you confidently say you're asexual if you really can't get turned on. I agree that it is helpful to find the man you're with physically attractive, too.
I guess what I'm saying is that I think it isn't contradictory of him to say to try piv but to also visit a therapist. Those two truths can exist at once. You won't know until you try. Do you masturbate and if so can you cum masturbating? I hate to say it, but if you masturbate and cannot cum, it is unlikely sex will do that for you from my experience in talking to other girls.
No. 279582
File: 1659630854356.jpg (284.58 KB, 671x645, Saul.jpg)
>>279580Have you heard of Ukraine
No. 279644
>>279474yeah you've just discovered the truth which is that sex fucking sucks for women and doesn't even feel good for us anyone who denies it is a pick-me or possibly lesbian idk… lesbian bed death exists for a reason
at this point I really dont think "female pleasure" exists I think its a meme men invented to get us to put out.
men enjoy sex women put up with it to get love
No. 279646
File: 1659647334894.jpeg (10.91 KB, 275x275, 1635466965162.jpeg)
Is there any point in even trying to date over age 30? I'm suffering from extreme blackpilling atm.
I know it's an incel meme but it really does look like there's nobody left except incels and fuckboys. the men all seem to only want younger women, even when said younger women have bodies like Luna Slater. like if you're talking to a guy and you're both 32, he'll ghost you immediately for a 21-y/o BPD chan who will later key his car.
Like it seems that they're literally ALL ruined by porn and only fans, and that trying to meet someone is a zero sum game.
men over 30 are usually out of shape, losing hair, and the scant few attractive ones are all "ethically non-monogamous" if they aren't married with kids and cheating.
or else they're focusing on their "career" where they get paid six figures to check emails all day and make powerpoint presentations about nothing cause our culture rewards everything scrotes do 10x what women do. then they use the money to buy the attention of dumbass 22 year old girls. then they get butthurt when she doesn't want to marry his geriatric ass, kek.
or else they're some weed-saturated failson living in mom's basement
I never even had a "hoe phase" but got dumped a lot so the men could go hoe around. if not that then I dumped them because weed and video games and porn does not make good partners. why do they project everything THEY do onto us. why is their bad behavior not punished.
please tell me they will suffer when they turn 50
No. 279663
>>279657I'm not sure what that's even supposed to feel like
usually you just yell in the guys ear and pee on him a little and he thinks you came lol
No. 279672
>>279665>>279670I dont know how to masturbate, when I try it just makes me feel really gross idk its like touching a dead jellyfish on the beach I hate the slimy feeling
and vibrators hurt they're always like, the force of a jet plane because female coomers are desensitized so much
I think I'm just too autistic or something, I'm glad you Nonas are getting something out of sex. please carry on with the thread
No. 279685
File: 1659661537277.jpg (159.31 KB, 1600x680, daIdX3P.jpg)
Been with my boyfriend for about 2 months now, IRL, slight distance but try to see eachother at least weekly. Things between us are beautiful but things with me get in the way. I'm in a volatile/non-permanent housing situation, far from broke, employed, just having problems securing a flat in this city. I've long been 'mental health'. He lives with his parents. He's 2 years younger, I was still living at home right after graduation and I don't think it's bad. It's just like it's another factor onto me finding a place – lots of places in shared houses are available (when I used to and always really want to live alone), but I'm worried about the petty household drama it could bring, them not liking me having my boyfriend around, them not liking me. Not just about him, but I'm an only child and I like my privacy. I wish bf was independent enough that we could look at places together, but it's too soon anyway.
Another topic that has arisen is the fact that generally all of my friends are men, and I was dating around a lot when we first met. So I understand and probably would also feel the insecurity when I tell him that we're hanging out 1-1. I'm bisexual anyway though, what am I supposed to do or say? Specify, when I meet someone, that we aren't fucking? Again, I don't even think it's unreasonable, I just don't know how to tackle it.
He says he's been feeling more sensitive and strange lately, maybe because I started my new job, and now I am interacting with more people, and have less time to message. There's bound to be an adjustment period.
I really want it to work nonnies, he always asks me with sincerity if he is being unreasonable, he asks me if I'm feeling ok so many times a day, and is very accomodating when I'm not. I just don't know how to ease these anxieties of his. Any ideas?
No. 279696
>>279678I'm too old to even date anymore tbh. yeah the problem was always the guys wanted to please me and would ask how and I'd just not have an answer and not wanna explore it I just shut down if the focus is on me at all. been volcel over a year now
thanks for your kindness though I hope you find everything you dream of in your relationships and life.
No. 279700
File: 1659676308271.png (290.52 KB, 1022x1024, fc8.png)
>>279695
No. 279753
>>279694I'm German. Abortions are allowed up to 12 weeks and you have to have a psychological assessment first where you have to lay out your reasonings. It is up to 14 weeks if your child will be severely disabled. In the US you can have abortions up to 40 weeks in states like New York. I think most European countries are a lot more restrictive of abortion than the liberal states in the US.
Health care is "available", but it is not "free" as you think. Part is paid for by your employer and part is paid for by yourself, it is a couple hundred Euros a month. If you are self-employed, tough shit, you have to pay for it all by yourself and it is expensive. You do not have the option to not get health insurance because you are required to be insured by the government. Not optional. I think you only get free insurance if you are on social benefits. The result of everyone having health insurance is that everyone wants to make the most out of it and especially old people are constantly hogging doctors because they are lonely and bored. It is almost impossible to get appointments if you live in bigger cities, the waitlists for specialists are months or years long. You have no option to just "pay for it yourself" and get faster treatment, you just have to wait. The doctors offices are always overcrowded and wait times are long. Patient satisfaction does not matter so if you have to go to the hospital you will be in a room with 8 people or maybe even in the hallway. No private rooms unless you have private insurance (and even then it is usually 2 people in a room). In the US you always get private rooms cause hospitals receive funding based on patient satisfaction.
We took in 1.2 Million refugees. There are no more apartments to live in, if you try to find an apartment you have to compete with 100 other applicants. The refugees are on social benefits so they get social housing which is more affordable and cheaper, everyone else can get fucked. The big cities are now full of black and brown men that think all white women are whores and treat us accordingly.
It sucks here.
No. 279758
File: 1659720756969.jpg (38.25 KB, 680x671, EbxUMCpXgAAURNZ.jpg)
Can I in any way help a guy with trust issues to open up?
It doesn't help that he's been depressed and shut in lately too. I'm afraid of coming off as too clingy or pushy, but I do want him to know that I appreciate him and genuinely have no intention of hurting him. I know I can't really help him but I think he would really benefit from venting from time to time as I'm aware that he's trying to numb his emotions and doesn't want to talk about them.
No. 280515
File: 1659939886017.jpg (170.22 KB, 753x846, areyousayingyoudonthavefeeling…)
I’ve had a distant crush on someone for a few years, and it recently went full-blown a few weekends ago when we hung out. When I'm with him, I'm completely at ease – a feat that’s impressive considering I typically clam up around people I’m attracted to. But the thought of telling him terrifies me. I don’t want to lose what we have because I know he’s much in the same boat as I am and doesn’t date, often turning down others that express interest in him (also same. I don’t know his reasons but I know, for me, the feeling was never mutual and online dating isn’t worth the headache).
I have no idea how to tell if he likes me back, other than when I met his other friends, they said he’s talked about me or shown them my pictures. They all seemed genuinely interested and excited in getting to know more about me. He would also ask me about the details of my life no one has ever really taken interest in knowing.
I have no idea what to do from here.
We have a few loose plans in place to see each other again in group settings, so there’s less pressure than one-on-one. But I feel so awkward wanting to reach out to him more now – going from little messages here and there, to the past weekend where we talked almost nonstop. I have no idea how to keep the ball rolling without feeling like I’m a bother or pushing my luck if he has no interest in me, as if I’m becoming overly familiar.
How does one navigate these waters?
No. 280618
File: 1659981807489.jpg (139.14 KB, 736x981, 280508d7524707bc935a3894c0e900…)
How do I get my boyfriend to cut off his best friends girlfriend who is a bitch to me
No. 280659
>>280618Threaten to break up and set ultimatum. Sorry, it's girlboss and keeping upper hand time.
I came to this thread to ask if I'm overreacting that my dear Nigel who would never do anything just cant stop messaging his stupid coworker, despite me crying and asking several times. And seeing your post massively
triggered me. Men and women cannot be friends, any interaction is courting. If you have a gf, why the fuck you need another female energy/perspective in your life? It's not insecurity it's not letting moids step out of line.
No. 280662
>>280515If he wanted to, he would. I don't think he's into you, him not dating is a red flag for pornsickness, as well.
Good luck, I know this shit is hard to deal with.
No. 280823
Anon from
>>279474, with a little update. I did talk to him about what he had said after checking in here, because I wound up stressing over it at work. It wasn't his intention to make it seem like I'm fucked up, but as I was upset about it the first night we tried anything, he thought it might help to ease any anxiety on it. I worded it poorly and I apologize, but he really is a decent human being; we're just both operating at experience deficits in anything sexual. On the topic of handjobs, however, he didn't demand anything. I initiated both times because it was something I wanted to learn to make the whole experience fair for both sides. (It's still not, but it's a learning process.)
Also, to
>>279531 suggesting the satisfier: I got one yesterday, and it's a definite step in the right direction.
>>279539>>279542>>279543>>279544>>279569Late response, but "not super physically attractive" didn't mean I'm not physically attracted at all to him. It's just not a priority to me. I get your concern and appreciate the input, but I wouldn't have done anything with him if it didn't exist at all.
No. 280858
anyone have any advice on dealing with your SO's family? my boyfriend and i were long distance until april this year, he came to live with me and do summer work with me. it didnt end up working out, the job treated us very harshly, and then my grandmother (she lives in a property next to us) started causing random fights with him despite him doing many favors for her (many of which were unprompted). so after some more family drama, we are deciding to make a move together to the midwest where he is originally from. we decided to do this because the commute to college in my town is way too long (an hour and a half), and there just arent that many job opportunities here.
i visited him last november, and then the entire month of february so i have A LITTLE experience with his family. i am not a fan of his mother (BPD baby woman who is attached and dependent on my bf, nitpicks my appearance) or his grandmother (also nitpicks my appearance). they are overly excited he is coming back, which is natural, i'm not close to any of my family members at all so i can't be too dismissive but they've always been way too reliant on him, at a detriment to his mental health. they've decided they're going to have a big welcome back dinner for him, and i'm just so anxious because i don't really do well in family environments like this. can anyone relate?
No. 280878
>>280823Hi anon,
I agree with exploring yourself and getting more experience (as you are comfortable with doing) and figure out what you like. Also I have a hitatchi and like it pretty well, it is a meme for a reason.
I have been slowing growing to have a healthier view on sex, from something I feel pressured to 'do' or 'do right', into thinking of it as a fun activity between myself and bf, just like all the other things we have found we like to do together. It really can be whatever you want, and I think the outside and societal pressures screw up that perspective sometimes. Also, if I'm uncomfortable or too nervous, I'm not going to be able to enjoy anything, so keep that in mind and make sure to check in with yourself.
Finally, the most important thing is communication. Out of all of us here, only you know your partner, but even you don't know what he's thinking or feeling, and the same for him. Keep your communication strong and you can build off of that.
ps –don't let anons here gaslight you into thinking your bf is a piece of shit, but please feel
valid bringing up anything that makes you uncomfortable/upset/need clarification with. sex is a really intimate, sensitive thing and talking things out and being honest is very important for everyone
No. 280975
File: 1660163327510.jpg (73.64 KB, 680x578, Efl3U4AXkAY8rwH.jpg)
>>280970Deny it, it's not unlikely at all to be very similar to someone else, just look at all of these celebrity doppelgangers like picrel. I agree it's weird he went so far to prove it's you, and the fact he found it is really odd as well, unless you've met him through this website
No. 281068
>>281060>(He is on medication though.)if his depression is so severe that it's affecting his schooling, he's not fucking managing it. is he doing therapy? has he discussed switching meds? i'm gonna guess the answer is a fat no.
>I feel like such a bad person for abandoning him (in my mind) because he can’t help depression symptoms.see and this is why i keep saying not to date the mentally ill unless they have their shit exceptionally together. they won't put in the work to get better and still make you feel guilty for being done with their shit. being with a depressed person can suck the life out of you. put your own mental health first like a responsible adult and leave before that dead weight drags you down along with himself.
No. 281069
>>281060The lying is unacceptable. Depression doesn't cause lying.
Listen, look, imagine years from now, you're planning a family, you're pregnant, you are excited, but then you find out he got fired long ago and he bankrupted you or got the house foreclosed and hid those failures from you like he hid his failures in school. So now you're with small child in deep financial troubles. Do not risk that
No. 281100
>>281093The last relationship I was in I was told his ex probably had bpd and was told details of her being crazy and then I was shown texts to essentially prove it.. tbh on reflection now it's childish in itself if you can't just cut off a person who apparently cheated and suicide baited you and all that jazz. My ex didn't block her number either so he let her just half hang onto hope.
Cut her off and stop gossiping about her fragile mental state. This shouldn't be your business. If he'd handled this better you wouldn't be here telling us all her personal shit. She'd be long in the past and not even a thought in your head.
No. 281138
>>281093I think the only thing that's going on that you can be so sure about is he likely still has a bit of stress concerning his ex. She is reaching out of him for narcissistic supply and he believes he should keep answering back in the belief of in case if she ever lashes out, he won't feel like he's responsible for it. He's a bit of a pushover, tbh.
I recently had to tell my bf not to respond to narcissists still in his life or any who pop back up to try and harass him or myself. He had a plan to continuously lie about his life to them to leave him alone if they ever tried, and I explained getting any type of reaction, whether it be a lie or a truth, is enough to keep them contacting you for as long as they want. Best idea is to say nothing at all, even if they try to get under your skin with some sort of threat.
Bottom line; she's unneeded stress in both of your lives and she should be at the lowest priority occupying his mind, ideally not occupying at all. He should absolutely block her number and her on any form of social media. She can move on if he completely stops responding back indefinitely.
No. 281944
>>281932I'd say that having sex, in general, with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure sucks, is the more accurate statement.
Anyway you're too hung up onto the concept of virginity and first times imo. It's just sex, the fact that it's the first time is only special if you think it is.
No. 281973
>>281932I wasn't really a late bloomer but I lost mine and 19 and att I somehow believed that was being 'a late bloomer' In retrospect it wasn't late. I had sex with someone who turned into a fuck buddy for about a year. I ended up going from being fairly unattached to him to being wierdly sex-bonded to him and then it never turned into anything more and I silented suffered this heartbreak. It was a mess and not really how I'd do it if I had a second chance.
It's up to you but one thing to be mindful of is just how much first time sex can trick your brain into bonding with someone who may or may not be good for you.
No. 281978
>>281937lol ty
>>281942I am very attracted to him physically! That's the thing, I really do want his body, physically he is great, the kind of guy I used to daydream about. I want to be close to him like that, but I just don't see myself being with him long-term. I don't love him or anything.
>>281944Yeah you are right, I used to be worried that my first time would be terrible so I kept putting it off hoping I would find the "ideal guy" for the perfect first time, and that we would be together forever, blah blah, but the older I get the more detached I become from idea of romance. Maybe there are some anons who also had fun sex with guys they didn't like but were attracted to?
>>281946Eh, I definitely waited long enough. It is sort of unfair to him, but I never told him that I like him or that want to be with him long-term, so it's not like I'm breaking any promises.
>>281973Sorry to hear about that
nonnie. Do you still feel weirdly bonded to him or not anymore?
No. 281987
>>281946>It's worth waiting for someone you actually want to have sex withcome on lol, no need to tell a 25 year old to "just wait for the right person"
t. 26 year old KHV who has had enough "right" people bail out because they got freaked out/turned off by the V part
No. 281996
>>281995that anon isn't trying to "be with someone", she's trying to get laid and she found someone she's really attracted to. simple as that and good enough at 25. or any age, really.
also guys who are into virgins tend to be way bigger pieces of shit and being turned off by inexperience is not exclusive to scrotes, i would know as a bisexual lmao.
you sound fucking weird
No. 282002
>>282000Anon I’ll break it down
>>people who turn down inexperienced partners are assholes and aren’t into you = not worth your body and sex >>people who fetishes virgins are pornsick and objectifying and not into you as a person = not worth your body and sex >>thinking sex is important and you have to have it or your missing out is a part of our hyper sexualized porn sick culture, it’s the same shit as incels. You’re porn sick or at least affected by the surrounding culture because your focus on a conversation about a women’s sexual pleasure, safety, and wants turned into you making a joke about how she should do it or moids will find her weird. You are shaming her to counter advice. It’s shitty. I’m done replying after this. Enough moids pressure women. Let her figure out what she wants without bringing it back to what men want for once. Jesus
No. 282005
>>282002i'll also break it down to you since you seem hung up on trying to turn this into your anti-hookup culture pet topic no matter what
there is a hell of a lot of middle ground between "sleep with every person you see even if they're shitty to you" and "wait for the right person even if it means you don't get to enjoy sex until you're 40, sex always has to be accompanied by super serious feelings". advocating against one in no way means you are for the other.
it's unfortunate but often true that being very inexperienced in sex and relationships can make it more difficult to date past mid 20s. people might see it as a red flag and most will know what they like and won't want to be sex ed teachers to someone who doesn't. it happens with both men and women and while it can be an indication of shittiness it's often just the way it is. now that doesn't mean people should force themselves to have sex just to lose their virgin status but if you have someone you're really attracted to and think it will be good and fun… why not?
i'm also very confident that the OP did not see my comments as shaming or pressure either
>I’m done replying after this.great! the entire thread thanks you for it and hopefully you will fuck off for a longer time, i hate that i recognize your spastic manner of speech
No. 282097
>>282093How fast he texts is correlated with his interest level. He wouldn't leave it to chance that you may forget about him if he was insanelyinterestedand had good intentions. They feel more comfortable playing waiting games if they're just "whatever" about you. And if he watches Redpill PUA content he's following a guide to make you insecure and seek him out.
>would honestly rather just send a text and see if it's ignored as a confirmation of rejectionThis would validate his ego. Remember, men rarely ever reject. They don't throw away opportunities for sex even if they don't like you. They don't reject, just breadcrumb, use, distance, then half ass apologize and start over. That's exactly what happened to Jodie Arias for years.
No. 282125
>>282012>>282119Ayrt and yeah, I guess, I don't even really want to have sex anyway, I've never been attracted to anybody enough to want to fuck them, but I can't help having this shame due to social pressure, and I sometimes feel like an overgrown teenager, like I have some kind of lingering naivety.
>unless you're a lesbian or something you're not missing anything at allI'm bi so whatever, but I've seen so many people say that with the right person sex is the best thing ever, so I'm clearly missing something lol.
No. 282148
>>282125With the right person there’s trust and comfortable ness. You can be yourself and laugh off awkward shit so there isn’t bad sex. You can talk and both of you want your own and each other’s pleasure so if something isn’t working you can just say that and change. There’s intimacy and closeness. No porn shit. No outside distraction and noise. Slowing down and focusing on each other and connecting. It’s not something a lot of people know how to do. A lot of people get very uncomfortable being actually vulnerable. Good sex is multiple orgasms and moments the next day that make you squirm when they cross your mind making coffee.
Bad sex is common and not worth it. It’s also much easier with men as a bi anon. Not every anon against hookups is the same person. The other one trying to still fight is just bitter and labeling us.
No. 282204
>>282164Honestly nonna, I don’t know why I’m clinging to something that’s no longer making me feel good. What makes it worse is I cut him off for the same sort of shit a few months ago with being flakey and blocked him but he crawled back on the one app I didn’t block to plead with me to forgive him and how he realised he fucked up, but now he’s back to the same old shit again.
>>282200Thank you, it makes me feel a bit more relieved that it might not be another woman in the sense that I keep thinking that must be it and beating myself up about not being good enough in comparison. However that being said it doesn’t make the games he’s playing any better. I’m tired of now feeling like I’m chasing someone I cut out of being in my life in the first place. Why couldn’t they just leave me be when I had moved on instead of dragging me back to do the same shit all over again.
No. 282210
>>282208Do you want to respond? If yes then do. If no the don’t. You don’t owe him anything. How many times has he flaked on you? Is he owed a response? He left you on read unless he was concerned their were consequences that would effect him (why he messaged you when he knew you were mad)? He didn’t care how you felt and he probably doesn’t still. People who care wouldn’t have treated you like that in the first place.
If you feel like you want to respond you don’t have to be mean honestly. Being blunt but polite I’ve found hurts people more. A little
>>I’ve done some reflecting in the space away and I’ve realized we have different priorities and communication styles. I’ve done my best to bring up my needs and boundaries and at this point it’s clear this relationship isn’t beneficial for me long term. I think it’s best we go our separate ways. Have a good day. Then block. It tilts the shit out of them. They also then can’t tell everyone you sent them a horrible message and you can tell everyone you took the high road.
No. 282211
>>282199You absolutely should be pissed. If the man is this irresponsible, why link your finances with him in any way by moving in together?
>He once moved in together with his last gf who was, by his description, probably borderline and it was a disaster, but I feel put out that he is projecting his experience with her onto meA crazy ex girlfriend story, kind of suspicious to me. Do you know more about her to really believe him?
> He's been stuck in a shitty job for 2 years because he won't apply for anything better.Again, this is a man you want to live and link finances with? No interest in getting a better job?
>He's been living in a roach motel hovel for 2 years because he can't be assed to look for a better place.If someone is willlingly living in a roach-infested place I would again question moving in. Do you actually think he would care about cleanliness and doing his share of chores?
>He also has depression because a family member died a few years ago… but like, everyone has to deal with those things. If he's still struggling with grief, especially if it was someone he was close to it's understandable but he can't let his depression control his life if he wants to be in a relationship.
No. 282213
>>282211he's cleanly, but the place itself is fundamentally scuzzy. it isn't literally infested with roaches. it's just a really crappy budget place that's pretty disgusting and the entire house smells like mildew. but he's been living there at least 2 years and hasn't attempted to move somewhere better.
i've been giving him a break because the rental market is very expensive here, and we aren't vaccinated so he's had to put off going back for more education and a certification. he does have a bachelors degree.
He has issues but like, I have my own issues and handle them and still get my shit done. I don't know how to make him get over it and become involved. from my perspective i feel like i'm multitasking like a madman and he's just leaving everything to me to accomplish. he apologized for it the other day and felt really bad, but that doesn't make it happen and he didn't agree to be willing to do anything to help. now he's not even being responsive in text so i can make tour appointments. i feel very stressed and don't know if i should make a big deal about him helping or not. like he hasn't responded to my texts about if a time is okay with him or not. and it's been 4 hours. am i unreasonable to be upset about this? i'm also about to have my period and know i am more grumpy than normal.
his relative died at least 4 years ago, it might be 5, i dont know the exact date. i feel like he should get over it by now but dont want to say that.
No. 282214
>>282210I don’t even know if I want to respond, part of me does and part of me doesn’t. My logical side is telling me it won’t achieve anything to do so, the situation won’t change and what’s done is done. My dumb sympathetic nerdy side however wants me to reply for the sake of working it out because it’s stupid enough to think the situation will change and he will better next time if I do explain my issue with him rn, which is highly stupid.
>>282212He matches my texting style when it suits him, the later part about caring however he clearly doesn’t. Only cares about his own ego and that’s why he’s responsive when I’m mad or walking away. I wish I could meet a good egg and not an egotistical scrote.
No. 282225
File: 1660681186714.gif (1.74 MB, 480x270, smol jazz hands.gif)
>>282214 Proud of you
nonnie, keep him out of your life and don't get stuck in that
toxic cycle you know you're better than a second or even third; who even knows with scrotes like that.
One day you might, but clear this one doesn't know tf he wants.
No. 282246
>>282204You have answered yourself multiple times already in this thread. It's not that it won't work. It already HAS not worked multiple times. Your only choices are leaving for good and moving on with your life or suffering further and further and further and further for no good reason whatsoever. Do you have any idea of the ABSOLUTE SHIT you'll be in if you two do get back together? (I doubt it would even happen, he'll just keep dropping you over and over just to feed his manchild ego.)
Block for good and make it clear that you want to move on with your life and won't entertain any type of contact for the near future. If he actually still cares for you deep down, he'll respect that wish, you can even say that outright.
No. 282250
>>282214Not to hijack your post but I have to shamefully admit that your situation is reminding me of how I treated my ex lol. Not for the same reason you're suspecting but I was basically acting like the scrote you're talking about. Dismissing her feelings when she took a concern with me, prioritizing my own feelings and sense of ego instead, stubbornly defending my position until she becomes majorly upset, only apologizing when she got mad or about to cut things off with me, begging her to take me back when she blocks me, leading her to forgive me but ending up making the same mistake again, thus becoming a
toxic cycle between us until she's had enough of my bullshit and permanently cut off contact with me. Take it from me who's been in that perspective and reflected on it, the other anons are right. The scrote is making you feel worthless and only cares about himself which is why he will only apologize when he's lost you. If you forgive him he will do it again because he's taking advantage of your kindness. He's not sorry because he's hurt you, he's sorry because he lost you. My ex deserved better and so do you, anon.
No. 282258
>>282254Well, you come first. You /have/ to come first. There isn't even another option here.
Also, there are better people out there. This is the type of relationship you'll diminish in sentiment and longing by a factor of 10000 in the future.
No. 282464
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in a few weeks I'll be seeing my ex-crush/one night stand because of uni and our campus being the size of a small walmart. and i'm afraid all that hard work of moving on will be thrown out the window once i see him again. he said no contact after the incident and neither of us followed on our agreement as we still follow eachother on social media. my excuse is that i got attached and i didnt want to block him and then never hear from him again.
>have no idea why he didn't block me after requesting "no contact".
>also said "i'd like to continue where we left off" after our fling
my friends don't like him for the most part and from lurking it seems like he hasn't done any growing during his time away. my friend said there's a possibility that he felt something afterwards and thats why he didn't cut contact off completely but i 95% know that there's another girl. and i don't want to be his second choice. theres a chance that we'll be in the same class or run into eachother at a party or in the hallways. not sure how i would feel if he dmmed me.
maybe it was right person wrong time or im just tripping. and i won't like. i would like to rekindle what we had before we did the deed as friendly acquaintances but that seems like a stretch.
No. 282532
>>282528This. You have to tell them and if he acts like an ass then he’s probably not your dude. Do you know what kind of things you like,
>>282526 ?
No. 282587
>>282575Ntayrt but I think you should listen to other nonnas and move on. There is absolutely nothing there… the guy obviously doesn’t respect you but you should still respect yourself.
The ‘no contact’ thing is just a guy way of saying ‘this was just sex so don’t expect commitment or act like you’re my gf.’
No. 282594
>>282586Bad sex and little emotional connection…
If those things are something you can compromise on or believe it can be worked on, then sure.
No. 282600
>>282586He wants to take it slow when it comes to labeling it as a relationship but he's fine with having (bad) sex with you in the meantime? What a deal! If the sex were amazing it might be worth the risk but I wouldn't have bad sex with a man who seems likely to flake out after putting you through lots of bad sex first. That's just insulting.
I know you asked about hopping over to another guy but like… Do you think maybe taking a break and reassessing your standards might be healthier atm? Hopping from bad sex guy to a man who previously already rejected you sounds like it's born out of desperation to date just about anybody who'll have you.
No. 282632
>>282551Not really, in
>>282305 she says it’s been the past 2-3 weeks when his dad died about a month ago. OP is a BPDchan who’s having a meltdown because her not even boyfriend has something more important to take care of.
No. 282724
>>282716More embarrassing is to let irrelevant people’s opinions get in the way of getting what you want me thinks
>>282717Hmmm I think he didn’t settle, he had plenty of options, better ones tbh. Plus he treats me like a princess now, if it was really that, I think the resentment would have been long
obvious.
He just correctly realized nobody was gonna love him as much as I do. Win-win
No. 282740
>>282724>He just correctly realized nobody was gonna love him as much as I do. How very convenient for him.
I want what he has, not what you have. He is not that person for you, but you are to him.
You can't correctly realize 'Ah nobody will ever love me as much as this guy who rejected me 10 times'.
No. 282746
>>282724>He just correctly realized nobody was gonna love him as much as I do. Win-winSo basically what you're saying is He couldn't get what he originally wanted so he's settling for you? Not sure how you get "He's not settling" out of this.
I read your post before and didn't think it would be a bad idea to see where giving him another chance could lead you, but didn't reply as such because of other anons' fierce replies you'd be retarded for doing so. But phrasing it like that makes it kinda sound sad doesn't it.
No. 282772
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I love him, but I'm afraid he's going to break up with me. He's broken up with me before, about a year ago because of my depression but then the next day he texted me saying he made that up as an excuse because he was insecure about himself not having slept with many people and felt he was settling too soon. We talk and then get back together. He says if I ever need to vent or talk about emotions and stuff I can, but I'm afraid he'll break up with me again if I do lol. I sometimes talk about emotions but its met with dismissive responses, if I challenge the dismissive response he says I'm being 'moody' and deliberately trying to start a fight. so most of the time I just accept it or don't bring up any sort of emotion stuff. but I feel like I always listen to him and make the effort when he feels crappy and listen to him rant when he needs to, even if its something small. a few days ago, something really scary happened to me (I don't wanna go into it) and I told him and he laughed at me, I was so hurt and said that I didn't find it funny, and he just did as he has before, acted like I was trying to start something.
and I know I shouldn't care so much about whether he breaks up with me but in many ways he's a good partner to me and I'm afraid I'll never get as good as him again and I'll only have myself to blame.
No. 282780
>>282772He sounds kinda dishonest, immature, and inattentive to your needs. The thing about him being insecure for not sleeping around is so retarded and juvenile, it shows how immature he is if he wanted to break up with you to fuck around. Even if he seemingly changed his mind, he may still have desires like that, and I wouldn't put trust in someone like that personally. Also if you want to express something you're dealing with, and you want him to be more engaged, or talk with you more thoroughly about it, then he should if he cares. But you say you're afraid to do that, you're holding your tongue, and when you did try talking about something he ended up just laughing at it, or saying you're starting a fight for asking for more understanding and empathy. How exactly is he dismissive though? Is he brushing it off like this stuff doesn't matter, and if he does that, is it rude, or is it more like overly optimistic and focusing on some other aspect of it? Maybe he has a hard time empathizing, or he isn't sure what approach to give you, and it comes off like he isn't taking it as seriously as you wanted. If he genuinely can't take understandable, and serious feelings you have as worth considering and helping you with, then you should probably break up.
No. 282781
>>282765The way to avoid
abusive relationships is pretty simple, set realistic boundaries and follow through. I personally also think it's important to be with a partner who clearly cares about morality, if a partner doesn't genuinely care about that, there is nothing you can really expect from them.
Other green flags are that their actions are not hinged on just how they make you react, but on their own principles and character. For instance, I would not cheat on a partner, not because of my partner in of himself, but because I am not a person who cheats and I care about maintaining that truth. My partner is the same way, not only in that regard, but in other ways as well.
Imo, these are some of the most important things in a relationship for it to stay healthy aside from the basics like communication, good will towards your partner, etc.
No. 282783
>>282726It was a mix of both. Most likely more things even.
He thought I was entitled, and just in general didn't like how I am as a person. He liked me enough to be my friend (and if I wanted and he was in the mood, to "borrow" his dick as he called it), but not as someone he could marry. I haven't changed, he just changed his perception of me. Honestly, I never understood this part because I don't think I'm entitled and I never entertained anyone else during that time and he knew it.
He also grew up more sheltered than usual (religious home) so he didn't view himself as dateable either because he wasn't independent. For example, he was 24 with no license. His parents were manipulative-ish and didn't want him to leave the nest. He also had a good degree but again, no reliable transportation so no good paying job because all of them were way too far out for him to even ride a bike to. I think he felt not enough like a man but I could see past that because he still walked to and worked many odd jobs and still found time to volunteer. This was all on top of depression and a disturbing unsupportive home. When he finally was able to get the good paying job he wanted, it wasn't until a year or so later he was able to start looking and then bought a fixer-upper home. That was also about the time he began taking me serious.
>>282740I don't get what you're trying to say nonna, truly. That I should want what he has? The type of men that were most into me were weird, with podophilic tendencies. You can have them.
>>282746In retrospect that's a dishonest way of wording it, just because someone is not as clingy and expressive and affectionate, doesn't mean they love the person less right? They could even love them more? That's what I was using to quantify it though. They were into him but not "as much" as me. Or maybe they were after all idk, I guess better luck next time.
>>282759I'm curious what your job is. And thanks nonna, I hope you're right. Currently you are but I mean long-term. It does feel like unknown terrain alot of the time because most women can't relate.
>>282768Yeah I was always afraid he would get sick of me, but I took breaks from pestering him often to try to mitigate it. Maybe that helped? But he's also a very altruist person and finds it hard to judge, and we had a strong friendship.
No. 282789
>>282780I think he does have desires like that, part of me thinks he's just keeping me around until a stepford wife type comes into his life. He's dismissive in the 'damn that sucks anyway here's something completely unrelated' kinda way, he sometimes gets annoyed if I try to continue on the topic for 'dragging him down'.
I get the feeling he lives in a fantasy land sometimes, like he only wants to pay attention to the good parts of stuff. For example, he's talked about how he wants children (I never want them and have told him this from the beginning of the relationship) and I can say categorically he would not be able to handle having a child. I know he's totally seeing it through rose tinted glasses and wouldn't be able to handle the actual parenting. I get not wanting to dwell on negative things all the time but he seems like he goes to the other extreme and buries his head in the sand.
sorry for bawling nona, I'm tired. I feel like I try so hard and its never good enough cause I can't hide all my emotions. I know it probably seems stupid sticking around but legit I don't think I can ever find another man, I'm weird looking and apparently insane kek
No. 282793
>>282789Okay so he gives passive responses, doesn't really shown much concern, and even when you try asking for more input from him he gets pissy, and thinks you're trying to argue too much about it. And he also is overly optimistic, and isn't very pragmatic with how he views things. That isn't going to work out then, even if he isn't being intentionally hurtful with not talking you through your negative feelings, it seems like he can't empathize or hold more serious conversations about certain stuff with you. Maybe try asking one last time for him to show more support and engagement, and give him examples of what he can do. If he doesn't do that, then you probably just aren't compatible. Also if he legitimately has desires to fuck around, whether it's in porn he watches, it's a fetish he talks about, or he's suggested he still feels insecure about not having more experience, then that is a red flag. He might cheat on you if he has those desires, so it's important to figure out if he actually still thinks like that.
You don't sound insane based on your posts, and I doubt you're weird looking, even if you're not conventionally attractive you can find someone who will appreciate you. In general, you shouldn't stick around in a relationship that is not fulfilling to you just because you're afraid you won't find anyone else. Maybe you can work this stuff out, I'm not sure though, if he actually has those desires still then I think you should give up.
No. 282855
I'm very new and inexperienced when it comes to relationships. This guy I've been seeing for three months says he loves me and we get along and have some similar interests and he's even taken care of me after a surgical procedure, but at the same time, we're so different. And another thing really bothers me…I come from an abusive, very sheltered and isolated upbringing, but at the same time, my family and I very much get invested into people, or at least, we act like we do. We are aware that people like to talk about themselves and we always ask them a lot of questions to get to know them. And yes, I do this myself as well. I'm very good at listening and acting like I'm interested.
This guy is a bit of an autist and while he does care about me, he doesn't ask about my interests at all. I have to bring up my interests and hobbies myself and even when I do, he doesn't offer to try and understand them or delve into them, while we have participated in some of his main interests a lot and he talks about them in depth all the time. In my last relationship, even my ex offered to watch this shitty reality TV show I liked with me all the time, films I was interested in, etc. I have to practically beg this guy to do so, and even then, I feel like I'm just wasting his time.
He's introduced me to his friends too and we've hung out, and I've noticed too that, while they are nice, they also don't care about my interests at all and are a little daft. Maybe I'm just a naive narcissist but no one gives two fucks about what I like while one of his friends forces us to watch and talk about shitty KPOP videos.
And meeting his parents…this guy comes from a very well off family who travels all the time and lives a normal and stable life. Whereas my family was decently well off but there were many times we lived in hotels, had no hot water or electricity, etc., because my mother was so horrible with money. And also, I'm an artsy, somewhat "quirky"/eccentric person, whereas this guy is not. He's a nerd and works in accounting/finance. It bothers me, for example, that he doesn't even offer to see my portfolio.
But yeah…his parents also give zero fucks about my interests or me. They've just asked about my work a few times. They constantly interrupt me when I try and start a conversation and again, I'M ALWAYS ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT THEM. This guy, his friends, and his family never bother to ask questions about what is truly me. They only ask surface-level crap, like again, shit about my job. His parents just talk about the same shit over and over again…traveling, food, their other son's children, etc. There is no deep conversation there. Ever. The same with his friends.
Am I just being a pretentious faggot and asking for too much? I don't know what to do. I feel depressed and lonely both inside and outside the relationship. These people don't understand mental health, struggling, etc. Neither does he. He knows I struggle with mental health issues and wants to help but I still feel like a fucking outsider. I've told him this too. Because I'm trying to cut off my family eventually and I have no friends. I have nothing. And I even told him I want to express my interests more and he was fine with that.
But there is a clear divide too…he owns a house and wants the typical life and kids. I want to move out of America, go to grad school, and of course I want a stable life but there is that divide where I am more artsy/"quirky"/"eccentric" while he, his family and his friends are not. Yes I know I am pretentious.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated dating people. There is always something off about men I date.
No. 282868
>>282855It sounds like you’re okay expecting too much too fast the people in your boyfriends life. It takes a long time to build deep connections with others and it would be way more rude of them to start asking about all your trauma while barely knowing you IMO. How can you be so sure that the people in his life don’t understand suffering? You say you listen to them but I doubt you fully understand these people after just a few meetups. It may feel like they’re not acknowledging you fully in the moment but these people cannot learn everything about you in just a single night. Most people trying to become friends with others are also genuinely interested in what they’re saying, not just ‘acting’.
It’s also way too much to expect all of these people to become your support system once you cut off your family. Again, you barely know them and they barely know you. You also say that you don’t have any common long term goals with this guy, so why are you trying to latch onto him for stability? You can’t shoulder your trauma onto other people in order to heal. It’s only going to end badly if you’re centering your life around a man you don’t really seem compatible with. I think you should shift your focus onto building friendships outside of his circle and working on your own emotional self sufficiency.
No. 282870
>>282867samefag but
>I feel depressed and lonely both inside and outside the relationship. Shouldn't that say something? Though
>>282868 is very much right, it's not healthy to go for relationships before you have friends and know the communication and socialisation skills required for that.
No. 282894
Maybe this is just a sign it's too soon to talk about, but how do I get over the shyness and awkwardness of discussion of serious subjects? I have brought up the general topic of children with my boyfriend, but the moment the topic focuses to our potential children, like him indicating he's certain we're going to have kids some day, my brain stops functioning. I'll basically start blushing and have to stop looking at him for a minute or so and I get quiet because I can't even come up with a sentence besides trying to change the subject. Like, I want to at least acknowledge to my boyfriend I am also still certain I want us to have children some day, but it is mentally challenging for me.
Maybe not a situation many other anons have run into, but maybe some advice for something similar? I just hate choking up and getting really shy.
I just think I need to mature a little, but how exactly?
>>282760I can honestly say it really helps finding the right person. However, don't fall completely on them to "cure" those trust issues. That avoidance may come back off and on throughout the relationship. I still struggle with this too. One thing is to have the mindset of either you risk this with the right person or it will be too late and you're wasting your time.
I remember establishing with my boyfriend how comfortable we both felt with the idea of us eventually getting married. It was retardedly early on in the relationship, but even after us discussing something so intimate like that, I hesitated wanting to hold his hand and tell him "I love you" the coming weeks afterwards. Not sure what goes through your mind during those moments of avoidance, but for me it's a ton of "what if"s.
No. 282935
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This isn’t a romantic relationship but it’s still relationship advice I need. I’ve been roommates with this girl for a few months, we’re cordial and acquainted but not close. She let me know the other day that her mom suddenly got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last week and now she’s in the hospital basically dying. What do I do to help her or show her support besides kind words and telling her I can help with whatever she needs? She has a very specific diet so I can’t really make her food. She makes more than me and doesn’t really need money. When her mom first got the diagnosis I got her flowers… but besides that I have no idea what to do.
No. 282943
>>282935Aw anon, my condolences to your roommate. Poor girl. I was in the exact same position as you when I was in college and my roommate's mom was dying of cancer. It's a really tough position to be in. To see someone going through something so difficult and not being able to do much about it. I hope you have people you can talk to for venting your own feelings if need be. I think what you've done for her already sounds great.
Everyone is different. I think the best thing would be to just ask her specifically what would be helpful for her during this time (it sounds like you kind of did that already anyway). Or if you notice that she seems really down you can "check in" for if she needs anything. I know my roommate told me that she wanted me to just act like things were normal because she didn't want to constantly think about her mom dying. I told her I'd be there to talk whenever she needed and then otherwise didn't bring it up unless she asked me first. That's not something I would have known she would have wanted unless she told me straight out. I also picked up a lot of the chores around the house and offered to buy groceries for her if I could tell she was depressed and didn't have a lot of energy. If I noticed she hadn't eaten anything that day, I would tell her I was going out to get takeout for myself and she could text me her order for me to pick up something for her along the way. I think it's inevitable that people are going to feel really depressed and shitty when their parent passes away and there's nothing that we can do to alleviate that, but I felt I could at least make things easier for her around the house so that she could just focus on grieving and coming to terms with things and not worry about things becoming a mess. It might be a little more difficult since you and your roommate have only known each other for a few months, but it sounds like you're trying your best. Not sure if this helps at all, but that was my experience at least.
No. 282968
>>282962it sounds more immature than weird.
is he weird about sex?
No. 282974
>>282968He's not an immature person, he's pretty stoic and dry. It's just this, like he does it for my sake which I find weird. I'm not really immature either.
Also ehhhh, I guess it depends on what you mean by weird about sex? He's not kinky so I would say he's normal about it, but i guess that's weird for a moid lol