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Trouble in paradise? We've got your back.
If they have their own separate rooms in where they live I wouldn't think twice about it, seen many cases of opposite gender friends / acquaintances living together in my student years. And same as >>145330
said, even if they have history it might not be a bad thing depending on their relationship now, I lived with my ex for a year after break up because we were very good friends prior and remained very good friends after, but I'd never want anything intimate with him anymore and there was no issue with any of us seeing other people.
So yeah, imho not a red flag but ofc it's gonna be good if you know more.
I would save time and run now. He's way too old and too much time has passed for him to still hold those feelings and to still get pleasure from calling her a slut.
I dated a 30-something year old who had nothing positive to say about any of his exes and while describing his ex (who had legitimate mental health issues, CSA trauma) he'd sometimes refer to as a crazy bitch.. I kick myself for not taking that massive hint of what was to come with him.
Guys will never change for a woman. If he were to stay like that for the rest of his life, would you still want him? Do you really want a man who refuses to see you? If he really wanted to, he would.
You're a kissless virgin because you wasted your years on him. I did that too and only had my first kiss at 21 when I got over him. I regret wasting so much time.
There are so many great men out there but you're dodging all of them because of this idiot.
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I was in similar situation. Imo you should meet up with the person you are talking to online as soon as possible (maximum 3-6 months, not 3 YEARS). Especially if it's your first relationship. There are some things that you can't predict, like if you'll be really attracted to them, if you'll understand n like their body language, if they are respectful towards others, if they smell nice, etc. He had three years to sort himself out and change for you, but he still hasn't made any progress. Are you willing to wait another three years just to see if he will be able to stand up to his parents?
I met a really wonderful guy irl soon after I stopped talking to that online guy. I'm sure you'll also find the ambitious, driven guy you want. You still have plenty of time. "E-relationship" is honestly a joke compared to what you can experience with an actual person irl.
I was also in a similar situation where I never had a relationship at age 19 and I really wanted to date and meet with an online guy. the sad thing about all my relationships (online and irl) is that the guy never/hardly would want to travel to me and I would make all the effort. It's best if you get with a guy who's willing to travel to you.
Also I agree with going to see him 3 months to a year after talking. If you leave it for too long (like my friend did with his ex gf, he never met his online girlfriend of 5 years) he would most likely cheat because he can't control his dick for long enough.
please update us anon! i think you should definitely give him a chance, he sounds cute/respectful.
hope you didn't reject him harshly the first time.
Thanks guys, think I might as well go for it. I didn't expect so many responses. Will update when he comes back into the shop.
I'm 25, he's 22, remains to be seen if he is as mature as he seems because I generally don't like anyone younger than me. I didn't reject him harshly, just said something awkward like 'I'm good, I don't really like dating,' and continued being friendly and more personal as I had been (uncharacteristic of me). He had no problem calling in to make that order after I had already said no so can't imagine he was too put out by my response.
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Forgot to attach pic and of course, I meant to write bf *
>>146380>all my bad news were affecting him to the point of him feeling sick
my reading of this is that he doesn't want to deal with you when you're sad, because it's too much work for him. he's manipulated you into not talking about it.>>146381
if i was your gf and i hadn't spoken to you in a week, and you say you 'felt like you weren't going to make it', i would be really concerned and just generally say the opposite of what this guy said. this guy does not seem like he cares tbh.
sorry anon this dude is not supportive at all, you're not thinking too much.
My dude, this is not cool. If he's incapable of being supportive when you're clearly in distress and going through a rough time, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with you at all.
It is not normal or healthy to feel you have to completely avoid difficult subjects with your partner. That's literally one of the major reasons people even HAVE significant others in the first place, to know someone will be there for them through thick and thin (and vice versa). >>146383
It's totally fine to be the type who does better in person, but if that was the case and her partner wasn't an asshat he would say, "Hey babe, I want to be there for you but I'd really prefer to talk face to face. I feel like I can't fully give you my support over text." Not just dismiss/ignore her troubles entirely.
Genuinely not meaning to sound snarky, but why would you assume you weren’t just “an option” after only one date? In the current dating scene it’s common for people to cast their nets wide and meet a bunch of different prospects to get a feel for them. Once you’ve gone on several dates (if it gets that far) and discuss where you both see things headed then you could expect more, but before that I wouldn’t presume exclusivity at all.
Also 3 texts a day is a lot for some people, hell I can barely muster a few words for my dearest friends when I’m super busy at work, dealing with responsibilities, feeling exhausted. And some people aren’t good with texting at all.
I’m just saying you shouldn’t presume he’s not interested based on his texting habits alone. It’s way too hard to presume much of anything about a person after meeting them once. That being said, I think people make time for those they’re really interested in, so if he wasn’t actively trying to schedule another date after a week+ he’s probably not too serious. (Unless there are big extenuating circumstances.)
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I share an apartment with my boyfriend, and though he loves me and does a lot for me, I don't know if I can stay with him.
1. I'm often repulsed by his humor and he doesn't get my jokes.
2. I often feel that we "speak different languages", or have a totally different worldview.
3. There's been instances where I felt manipulated and/or treated badly, even though the last time something really weird happened was several months ago (like him throwing a fit when I told him that I wanted to use a condom).
4. We have fights several times a day most of the time.
Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to break up, because I've been an asshole too (like being drunk and angry) and he does a lot for me (cooks, drives me places), because I'm over it, but I don't know.
I just don't know how I can do it, since I still care a lot about him.
I mean, I'm pretty much the only one he has and we live together, so actually breaking up will be very hard. I just don't know how to do it without pussying out and getting back together in the process, since I still have love for him, even though I might feel that he's not "the one" (if such a thing even exists).
How the fuck do I make up my mind and either work on our problems or go through with breaking up? I'm constantly obsessively thinking about this and I just have no fucking energy left. Sometimes I wish he'd just say something so unforgivable that I'd have an actual reason to break up.
I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone out there has been in a similar situation and has some advice, I'd be very grateful.
>>146558>fighting several times a day
Get out of there anon. In my experience, as soon as you start to actually consider leaving there's no saving the relationship. You wouldn't think about leaving this much if you loved him enough to spend the rest of your life with him. It sounds like you're staying with him out of habit and because he makes your life easy by doing things for you.
Also, getting mad at using a condom? What's the context? That's really weird.
Totally agree. One of the top signs of a toxic
relationship is when fighting this frequently becomes normalized. That is not normal or okay, anon. Healthy relationships may include disagreements where you both respectfully discuss things with each other, but even those happen rarely when two people are right for each other.
You don't need to look for more reasons to break up. You have plenty of them, and they're very legitimate. Also, if the relationship is so great and worth saving, why are you the only one trying to address these issues? He is just as culpable but seems perfectly fine letting them sit while you struggle with this stress alone. Not worth it.
I've seen a lot of people, especially women, stay in bad relationships due to your reasoning. "But I still love him, and he relies on me/I'm the main person in his life." Not your problem. You will likely be surprised just how easily he moves on when he's forced to. If you really care about him then you need to stop enabling his shitty behavior. You staying in general is telling him, "Yeah, I can do whatever I want and pick fights with anon all the time, and she'll still stick around." That's not good for you nor something you should be "teaching" him.
Anon, he didn't want to bring you home and have sex because he was tired, but did anyway because you wanted to… and now you're upset because he's probably catching up on sleep after not getting any and then working the next day?
I don't understand how "I don't really want to take you home and have sex today because I'm tired" = he got sex and is now fucking off. It's not like he was pushing you to have sex and is now ghosting you.
from how I look at it, both ways are realistically possible (either he was really tired like he said, or he got his sex and bailed). Now you just need time to see how it plays out.
>I have a hard time wrapping my head around this because i always show love to my SO no matter how tired
I know for me personally though, when I'm really tired I need everyone to fuck off including my SO and leave me alone, it's not uncommon.
No, he dumped anon because he felt he did something he didn't want to do.
And if there's anything that will doom you quicker in a man's mind, it's them feeling like you forced them to do something for you. Even if they benefited temporarily from that thing (the benefit here being sex, the devaluation of anon was blaming her for his locked out keys).
Anon I know you're hurt but it's good riddance. He didn't care about you at all. You'd only be subjected to these stupid manchild games throughout the relationship.
Ugh. Men are fucking awful sometimes. I wish they'd talk about their problems. >>146704
Guys often act enthusiastic and do shit then completely change their minds. Have you ever promised to do something or bought something on impulse then regretted it? Men are like that all the time for everything.
shit fuck that guy, i'm sorry anon, if he didn't want to take you home he should have just stuck to that instead of being a passiveaggressive little bitch
he def wanted sex. you didn't pressure him into anything. so what you were disappointed, you're allowed to be disappointed, it's on him for making judgment against his own sleep deprivation.
yet he totally blamed you for his inconveniences. he has communication and commitment issues and unwillingness to take any responsibility, good riddance!
I’ve never been so blindsided by a breakup before. Like I wouldn’t have been surprised if this guy told me he loves me at any minute. I’d give anything just to have it go back to the way it was.
I think it was my fault. On the way to his place I got really quiet and he asked me what’s wrong. I told him I was uncomfortable because I could tell he didn’t really want me to come over. He assured me that it was ok but I stayed quiet and uncomfortable until we got to his place. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. Then I started to relax and things were ok again. Then on the drive home he got quiet and that’s when this whole thing started. I wish I hadn’t been weird and anxious and fucking stupid.
The worst part is that I texted him to ask him why he didn’t think it would work out, and he never texted me back. Such a slap in the face
No no no no. Please don't play that game and let his inability to communicate like an adult trick you into believing this is your fault somehow. Honestly this was such a minuscule and utterly meaningless thing for him to get his panties twisted over, he clearly did not have the brain cells required to be in a relationship anyway. It is no great loss to you at all.
>Bro says doing thing is okay but seems reluctant>Girl says he seems reluctant, tells him it's okay to back out >Bro assures her everything is good then broods when girl actually takes him at his word>Bro breaks up with girl for believing what he told her
In what universe does that remotely make sense? And now he can't even manage to have an honest conversation with you about what his damage is, likely because he has no clue himself. He is the definition of a manchild anon, be glad he fucked off.
Some people will turn on you at the slightest bit of discomfort or trouble. You make one "mistake" and instead of communicating their problem or giving you an opportunity to make things right they just use it against you and cut you off. It reeks of immaturity. For the record you did nothing wrong, if he really didn't want you to come over he should have stuck to saying no and not have told you it was okay if it really wasn't, especially when you were giving him an out.
I was one of the anons who replied to your OP and told you he was probably genuinely tired so I apologize for the shitty advice. Just a good reminder to always trust your gut I guess and if it says something's off then it probably is.
Gay? Nah. He's just got obvious issues and blamed anon for ~pressuring~ him into doing something he didn't actually wanna do despite himself agreeing to it. The sex was fine for him sure, but the effort of having to take her back made him twisted because he did not want to do this for her. Then he did something stupid and blamed anon for it. It's like gah, if only he hadn't caved in to that anon's disappointment, clearly she caused him to lock out his keys cause she just couldn't read his mind and go home! Men are this fucked up towards women they don't really care about. Men will treat you this indifferently if they want nothing to do with you and will use ANY reason to get rid of you.
I just had this very thing happen to me. Some scrote recently blamed me for making him "cave" into a relationship when I told him he could either change his relationship status to prove he was serious about me, or that I'd walk away and there would be boundaries with him. Well obviously he wanted my continuing attention, but he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Even though thats what he said to my face and led me on about for a month. So he begrudgingly agreed and I knew it wasn't gonna last. In the meantime he cut off all texting and practically ghosted me. He lasted a week before he texted me to break up. He used me "laughing at him" as the reason because I made him "uncomfortable." Actually I just sent a laugh emoji earlier when he expected me to wait weeks to months for him to make a decision about having a relationship. He used that to extrapolate that I was "laughing at his issues" when all I was doing was laughing at his excuses–which is what they were clearly! See? Now he could say I was a mean bitch to him as the breakup reason instead of being the guy who led me on and said what he didn't mean for his selfish reasons. He had no problem dumping and blocking me. BUT when I told the "just a friend" woman he'd been courting before me about his antics and she blocked him, he frantically called her and begged for her back.
Don't you see? It has nothing to do with a man being gay. It has everything to do with a man not really wanting you. Men do for women they want.
It hurts, but don't internalize it OP. There's nothing you could have done or said differently that would have made this man value you more. If not this issue, he would have used a different incident to dump you. He didn't want you, but needed a better excuse to ditch you so he wouldn't look like the bad guy. I'm sorry this happened to you but at least now you can see it for the bullshit it is.
Um yes, that is creepy. I don't think it's I'm-going-to-murder-you creepy but it is absolutely an overeager type of creepy that would cause me to not go on a second date with a dude. It's a first date. You guys are basically strangers. It's VERY weird to repost a practical strangers selfie or otherwise act so familiar with someone you just met.
Guys who act like that are basically just putting you on a pedestal because they're desperate for a relationship/sex. They aren't seeing the real you, and it could be literally any girl that they would do this to, because it's not about you, it's about the idea of the relationship/sex.
So, I am having trouble gauging where some boundaries should be in my relationship.
I live with my boyfriend of 2 years, who I do love. He is a pretty secure, nice, supportive, good looking guy. we share many of the same values and interests. Things are mostly good but there is something thats been bothering me. he is REALLY into costhots/instathots and he personally knows many.
Before we started dating he had slept with a few medium success cosplayers/instagram/twitch girls most of them were…really skanky. Definitely some people who could be posted in the extreme Photoshop threads too.
Anyway, we are monogamous and I don't have a problem with him looking at porn at all, but he has this fucking obsession with girls and cosplayers he knows, some of whom follow him on socials. He will do everything he can to see their nudes if they're online somewhere. He had a patron for following female "friends'" nudes (some of the girls knew he followed, some of them didn't.) Many of the girls have boyfriends so I don't think he is specifically trying to cheat or anything like that, especially not during a pandemic. He especially likes it when he finds out a costhot follows him.
I find his specific hyperfixation on real girls who follow him, who he knows and talks to sometimes really disgusting. I don't want to go digging though his shit, because that is a major violation of trust, but I see some of his social scouring in our shared computer history. I am not sure if he has a pay onlyfans that he uses to watch his "friends" but i feel like he might.
TLDR: am I super insecure and in the wrong for wanting him to fucking stop looking at nudes of women he personally knows??? It makes me really angry.
IDK why he can't just get off to normal porn of strangers like everyone else.
Anon what the fuck. It’s creepy enough to be super into porn stars, but this internet stalking of people he knows personally is beyond creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s even more to it that you don’t know about. Get some real standards, Christ
Is this some Madonna whore shit or is he just a completely degenerate coomer? This is why you don’t act ok with men watching porn, give an inch…
I agree that it's creepy as fuck. Don't agree that restricting access to reg porn is ok, as I would never stay with a partner who was so controlling of me.
I did search his nsfw account name on OF and found that he made an account with the same profile header and image he uses. I'm thinking of just asking him if he made an account and why to see if he will fess up but it will betray that I have been snooping in our (undeleted) history and I am afraid he is just going to get better at covering his tracks.
Is it worth coming off as a cyberstalker to outright ask in order to open a candid discussion about it?
You know that you can have standards and that they can include men who don’t watch porn? Of course, that only makes sense if you yourself don’t watch it. But don’t let yourself be memed into thinking that having standards is controlling.
Anyway, just bring it up. I doubt it will help, at best he will act sorry and keep doing that shit in private. He’ll more likely get mad and try to turn it on you. You don’t even need to bring up the snooped stuff, just say that his obsession with real people is some sexual predator type shit (you don’t have to use those words, but damn I just can’t imagine tolerating this at all)
Have the balls to break up with him when it goes south, because things will get worse if you don’t
I had a similar problem, my bf was good friends with a insta/costhot who is pretty popular online. I saw she was the top searched on his Instagram one day and called him out for it cuz it’s hella creepy.
He responded by deleting all his socials without me asking, so I kinda forgave.
If I were in your shoes I’d be gone with the wind, you ain’t no cuck
No , hes just a sleazebag . He obviously likes you and cares about you but he wants to have his options open.
I had an ex that did that same shit when I asked what were we, and then some days later this popular/hot guy told me he wanted to bang me so I told my "fwb" that and then I said "i guess i can say yes right?" He changed SO QUICKLY to "no, you're my gf".
Yeah. I appreciate the feedback. If anything, it solidified the idea that I am not being a total psycho to not be ok with that.
Update, I actually did confront him (calmly) and my hand was on his shoulder for a few moments and I could feel his heart fucking POUNDING. He immediately said he signed up bc he was 'curious what one girl was posting that he used to know" and apologized and showed me that it was a free sub and took his credit card info off the site. I told him I was not cool with him paying money to see nudes of people he knows or that I know, and that it is weird. He is a not a confrontational guy and he agreed and said that was fair.
I still don't think he understands that it is uncool that he has so much interest in acquaintances's OF and lewds, but that is a deeper problem.
Anyway I'm going to keep an eye out for sketchy shit now, but i suspect if he is up to anything he is going to work extra hard to keep me from seeing it.
Don't take this the wrong way anon, but you set the wrong tone the second you took over an adult man's responsibility to wake his self out of bed. If he can get out of bed for school or work, then he could do it for you too. The issue at play is that he now takes for granted that you will be the motivator.
The problem now is, now that you see this as a problem, any reasonable criticism or boundary you put up for this behavior will likely end with him thinking you're suddenly a bitch for wanting him to be more responsible for himself.
You can try talking to him, but I doubt this will change. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long but it's not normal.
Looking for some general advice on a complicated situation. I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years, who we'll call Amy. My problem is she refuses to attend any kind of social event with my boyfriend. The reason is that one of her friends, let's call her Bella, used to date my boyfriend. They dated for about 4 months and never became 'official', but I guess the split really upset her, because Amy refuses to be around my boyfriend on her behalf. Afaik he didn't do anything to hurt her, but the split was on his terms. They broke up at the very beginning of the year, and haven't spoken since.
I was sympathetic at first because sure, awkward situations and I didn't want Amy to feel like she was being caught in the middle of something, especially if she felt she needed to support Bella. But we've been together since April now, and I'm not asking her to hang out just the 3 of us, literally just attend some social gatherings like a bbq with loads of other people. My boyfriend has made it clear he won't try to interact with her if she doesn't want him to. But every time I invite her to something, her first response is 'if your boyfriend is there, then no'. Is it unfair of me to expect our friendship to at least mean she'd try to be civil? Do you think with more time, this will pass? I don't want to be made to pick between them because by all means I don't want to lose her, but I guess I'm getting frustrated, I've never dealt with something like this before.
I’m not saying relationships in general aren’t worthwhile anon, of course they can be very meaningful, but everyone is in a weird place with COVID right now. Life will eventually go back to normal and you’ll have a more typical level of social interaction at that point.
Until then and in general, it’s important to find comfort being on your own. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough life and been on your own for a long while, but when you’re desperate for any type of contact at all, that’s how you get stuck in those crappy relationships and accept less than you deserve from people. My humble advice is that you need to find activities and goals that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment in yourself. When you have a base level of contentment then having other people consistently around is a bonus but not a necessity, so you can pick and choose the good ones.
The fact that you have a good job and got into uni in itself is admirable. You’re already doing awesome. There are a lot of crappy guys out there true, but sometimes you have to go through a lot of trash to find the hidden gem. I just hope you prioritize your own growth over a relationship.
This is weird and stupid. It’s not even Amy who used to date your boyfriend, but some third party? Is she 12? Come on.
I would have a heart to heart with her and say that boyfriend is a part of your life now and it hurts that she avoids you because of this relationship. He didn’t do anything wrong to her and it doesn’t even sound like he was dismissive of the friend he used to date. I totally agree that she’s prioritizing this non-issue of existing in the same space as a guy over a 10-year friendship, which is insane.
Ultimately though people are going to do what they want, so if she makes this the hill she wants the friendship to die on, so be it. You aren’t the unreasonable one.
Ugh I'm sorry to hear all this anon, I haaate when people use mental illness as a shield to defend shithead behavior.
I have a mental illness, my boyfriend has a mental illness, several of my friends have fucking mental illnesses… it doesn't mean we go around using other people, lying about our intentions and generally causing pain and suffering to those around us. In fact if anything I try to be extra careful of how I treat others because I know I can't always trust my own perspective. Mental illness may make relationships harder but it's NOT an excuse for bad behavior, especially when you already know about your condition. He should've taken some fucking responsibility for himself like any competent adult would. I'm glad you called him out.