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No. 145234

Trouble in paradise? We've got your back.

Old threads:

No. 145294

Pour one out to relationships in the time of corona. Shit sucks.

No. 145300

I've been dating this guy for a couple weeks and things have been going well. We were at his place and he was showing me some old pictures. He found one with his ex from high school and he said "oh thats my slut ex who cheated on me" with some anger in his voice. It made me uncomfortable because of the demeaning language and he sounded still bitter about a high school relationship at 30. Totally took me by surprise as there's been no red flags up until this point. Thoughts? Should I talk to him about it or run?

No. 145302

Any guy calling an ex a slut is a huge red flag, run for the hills anon

No. 145305

I don‘t know what I think you should do considering that I know nothing about your or his situation other than this but that‘s definitely a major red flag.

No. 145318

This guy I met on Tinder has a female roommate. Red flag? They share earbuds while streaming together, but there's no indication of a relationship on their social media. So…orbiter or fuckbuddy?

No. 145323

They have a history.

No. 145330

I'd say stick around and try to feel out the situation more. Even if they do have a history it might not be so bad, I have a male friend who i have a history with that i would never go there again with but still hold him close as a great friend.

No. 145334

If they have their own separate rooms in where they live I wouldn't think twice about it, seen many cases of opposite gender friends / acquaintances living together in my student years. And same as >>145330 said, even if they have history it might not be a bad thing depending on their relationship now, I lived with my ex for a year after break up because we were very good friends prior and remained very good friends after, but I'd never want anything intimate with him anymore and there was no issue with any of us seeing other people.
So yeah, imho not a red flag but ofc it's gonna be good if you know more.

No. 145351

I had a male roommate before and nothing ever happaned between us nor did he ever try anything with me. I'd do what other anons said and stick around and see. It could most likely just be a normal roommate situation and nothing sketchy.

No. 145365

How do you decide if you're with the right person?

No. 145368

Do you feel good? If yes then this is a right person.

No. 145372

I would save time and run now. He's way too old and too much time has passed for him to still hold those feelings and to still get pleasure from calling her a slut.

I dated a 30-something year old who had nothing positive to say about any of his exes and while describing his ex (who had legitimate mental health issues, CSA trauma) he'd sometimes refer to as a crazy bitch.. I kick myself for not taking that massive hint of what was to come with him.

No. 145373

do you feel like you can be open and honest to them about everything, including your doubts? If yes, then they're good for you. If no, if you fear their response or that they'll dismiss or fight you, then they aren't the one.

No. 145375

Are they still fair with you during an argument or does it get ugly? That to me is a big indicator. That and them sparking excitement in me even after the 'honeymoon period' has technically passed

No. 145385

Thanks for your answers! That's what I feared… I feel like I can't talk about anything with him and I avoid a lot of subjects because I fear his response. And he gets kinda hurtful in arguments. Fuck. I just want this to be right but I guess in my heart I know it isn't.

No. 145395

it can be hard to end a relationship, especially if there's not one big event that has doomed it, but ultimately you deserve and need someone who you can be truly open with. Good luck with whatever you decide anon!

No. 145509

I just want a guy to flirt with, hug, just feel sexual tension. Since I started working from home it's become almost impossible to meet guys. I used to meet them via sports or travel but now everything's shut. Tinder men are so hilariously disappointing I want to shoot myself opening that app.

I'm not even necessarily even looking for a relationship, I'm just touch starved and want a cute man to flirt with. What do I do with my pathetic ass situation

No. 145518

That guy sounds like my ex and honestly, you should just leave now because the longer you leave it the more it will hurt. It's not normal to have to avoid so many topics for the sake of keeping the peace - ultimately, it just means that you are sacrificing your emotional needs for the sake of his own, and that's not a healthy or fair dynamic. It might seem like a hurtful but acceptable sacrifice to you right now, but when you find someone that you can be fully open with, you'll wonder how you ever survived that way.

No. 145927

Boyfriend of 6 years talks to many women, some of who are my friends, on a deep emotional level. I've never felt jealous except for two chicks, who are mainly his friends and put no effort in acknowledging me. The first one actively tried to sabotage our relationship and it took a lot of time to heal from it. There's a new girl lately, she's much more sneaky about it. The thing is he's so naive and I'm scared that this is becoming a pattern now that there's been two. Thoughts?

No. 145930



Why on God's Green Earth is he seeking this sort of emotional confidant when he is with you? Not to mention this isn't the first girl?! The Man-baby looking for mommy emotional tampons and discards them after he's bored with them. Sorry.

No. 145936

Lmao he knows damn well what he's doing.

No. 145946

You're misunderstanding who's naive here

No. 145951


Lol that is true. I definitely used the wrong word here to describe him. I know that his male friends are not as receptive to his feelings as he would like, and he mainly ends up listening to these women’s problems rather than sharing his own. Either way, this behavior is not acceptable. Thank you for your honesty.

No. 145955

I'm so fucking pathetic for a guy who dumps me. When I tell keep bothering him he tells me to fuck off and blocks me. I know I should have left him alone.
Lmao my lame ass self keeps coming back for table scrapes. He broke up with me in the heat of the moment after a fight. We were good before then and he agreed.
We are like half way back to together and are on a talking basis. Y'all how to I not fuck it up again or if I should even try.

No. 145957

I have been talking with a guy I have never met in person a 1000 miles away from me.

We have been talking for 3 years now and I'm just getting more and more desperate to meet him in person. I've literally never been with anyone else, I'm 20 now and I have never been kissed. I want to actually experience what it's like to have a boyfriend and do fun things with him. I love talking with him but it's not nearly the same to what I imagine a real relationship is like.

He wants to meet too but he refuses to stand up to his parents even though he's nearly 21. His reasoning is always because his parents won't let him. He can't even drive because they didn't teach him as a teenager.

He doesn't ask for money so I know he's not trying to leech off me but I seriously don't know how much longer I can handle this. I cried to him about how much I want an actual relationship and not some pseudo intimacy. That he's miserable and I know he would be so much happier if he took the steps to leave but his response was to bawl for nearly 30 minutes.

I already never wanted to do online relationships when I was 17 but when I met him he just seemed so great and ambitious. I'm so fucking naive and stupid to have gotten myself in this mess.

I don't have it in me to break up with him. I don't want to break up with him. Will I have to in order for him to actually do what he needs to do?

No. 145965

Guys will never change for a woman. If he were to stay like that for the rest of his life, would you still want him? Do you really want a man who refuses to see you? If he really wanted to, he would.

You're a kissless virgin because you wasted your years on him. I did that too and only had my first kiss at 21 when I got over him. I regret wasting so much time.

There are so many great men out there but you're dodging all of them because of this idiot.

No. 145988

She feels good being a kissless virgin though?

No. 145992

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I was in similar situation. Imo you should meet up with the person you are talking to online as soon as possible (maximum 3-6 months, not 3 YEARS). Especially if it's your first relationship. There are some things that you can't predict, like if you'll be really attracted to them, if you'll understand n like their body language, if they are respectful towards others, if they smell nice, etc. He had three years to sort himself out and change for you, but he still hasn't made any progress. Are you willing to wait another three years just to see if he will be able to stand up to his parents?
I met a really wonderful guy irl soon after I stopped talking to that online guy. I'm sure you'll also find the ambitious, driven guy you want. You still have plenty of time. "E-relationship" is honestly a joke compared to what you can experience with an actual person irl.

No. 146003

I agree. What if you're not attracted to him in person? It's not only looks and personality, people just seem different in 3d, in front of you. You might have just wasted years of your life.

No. 146012

As a former victim of emotional abuse and gaslighting in a relationship, I find I can sometimes be too sensitive to red flags. I’ve been seeing a guy and I made a random observation to him and said “am I crazy or…”. He responded with “you’re crazy, but you’re right”. Just the words “you’re crazy” made alarm bells go off in my head and I’ve been ignoring him since. Am I overreacting? I just had such a visceral reaction to it. I know if I confronted him about it he’ll say it was a joke

No. 146030

>I’ve been ignoring him since

This sounds like light ribbing. I don't think you're ready for any relationship right now tbh.

No. 146053

This >>145992 I was also in a similar situation where I never had a relationship at age 19 and I really wanted to date and meet with an online guy. the sad thing about all my relationships (online and irl) is that the guy never/hardly would want to travel to me and I would make all the effort. It's best if you get with a guy who's willing to travel to you.

Also I agree with going to see him 3 months to a year after talking. If you leave it for too long (like my friend did with his ex gf, he never met his online girlfriend of 5 years) he would most likely cheat because he can't control his dick for long enough.

No. 146054

its been nearly a year since my ex dumped me and for once I dont feel like rushing into another relationship. Its not like I don't want one, I honestly do but I want a relationship that last long term like at least over a year (longest relationship I had was 11 months and it was my recent one). I feel like i wouldn't find a relationship long term since most guys that are attracted to me just wanna fuck. Even though my friends reassured me that my exes were in the wrong, I still feel like there's something about me that would make guys not want to stay with me that long.

I have a bunch of guy friends that I did have crushes on but they don't want to get into a relationshipx and just fuck… I dont know if I would want to try and develop my relationship with them so they could consider dating me or wait to find someone I would click with.

I sometimes daydream about meeting the most perfect guy to me who would treat me out, put effort into the relationship and buy me a gift. Even the smallest gesture of a hug, kiss or cuddle would be great to have in a relationship

No. 146094

If my bf and I break up, I will probably have to keep living in our shared apartment. Theoretically, I could move out but it would be a huge hassle. Has anyone ever been in this situation where you had to continue living in an apartment you used to share? How was it? I’m afraid it will make the breakup even worse for me.

No. 146107

Depends on a kind of break up. Me and my ex lived together while in relationship and slowly over almost a year we lost any romantic kind of vibe, while still being great friends. When eventually we've decided it's over it's already been over for months, just had to be said out loud. Lived with him for one and half year more because the flat and location were great, no drama whatsoever even though both of us moved on and started seeing other people. But if if would be an abrupt breakup it could get very messy and very hard to heal.

No. 146148

How do you deal with having a partner who isn't particularly verbally affectionate? My bf came from a family that wasn't really affectionate in any regard, especially not the type to say I love you, and as a result he has a lot of difficulty with verbal affection, which is my main love language. If I can't hear directly what a person feels it can make me doubt they feel for me at all. He does express his love in other ways, sending me memes, offering to pick up food, spending quality time with me, and more recently talking about moving in together, and he's said that he does feel "that way" for me but can't seem to actually…say it. Is this something I have to get over or is there a way to encourage him to be more verbal?

No. 146160

I work at a motorcycle shop in a rural area. A guy a few years younger than me recently stopped by specifically to (very respectfully) ask me out, after having chatted morepersonally the last time he was in the shop. I basically just sperged and said no out of habit, but I do like him. I made up an excuse to look at his phone one day to see his instagram profile name and since have been stalking him there and on a few forums…

I guess I think he is too nice and naive and that I would destroy his soul. I'm pretty creepy and struggle with general hygeine and afraid of sex. But I do like him and I don't like many men. He looks like he struggled with self harm at some point and is quite intelligent and builds his own motors and shares general interests (not common), and hates video games lmao.

He is coming back into the shop to pick up an order on Tuesday and I am really conflicted on whether I should reconsider his request. Most likely I will sperg and not do it… but I want to.

No. 146194

Go for it anon, at least one date

No. 146228

Go for it. If things don't work out, it's not like you'll have to see him a lot.

No. 146235

He sounds great anon. Definitely go for it. How much younger is he?

No. 146240

please update us anon! i think you should definitely give him a chance, he sounds cute/respectful.
hope you didn't reject him harshly the first time.

No. 146274

do it anon, allow yourself some fun. If he turns out to be a good man, you deserve to have that.

No. 146320


Thanks guys, think I might as well go for it. I didn't expect so many responses. Will update when he comes back into the shop.

I'm 25, he's 22, remains to be seen if he is as mature as he seems because I generally don't like anyone younger than me. I didn't reject him harshly, just said something awkward like 'I'm good, I don't really like dating,' and continued being friendly and more personal as I had been (uncharacteristic of me). He had no problem calling in to make that order after I had already said no so can't imagine he was too put out by my response.

No. 146380

I don’t know who but how my be responded made me feel bad. I’ve been going. Through some really heavy shit and he knows it. A few weeks ago we almost broke up because he said he felt too frustrated and that all my bad news were affecting him to the point of him feeling sick. Since then I’ve made sure not to tell him any bad news because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. Today I thought I would tell him that i felt a little better but let him know as well that I’m still not feel alright, it feels like he just brushed it off to me. Am I thinking too much into it? I’m scared to bring up the topic because it might upset him.

No. 146381

File: 1596574033988.jpeg (334.23 KB, 654x565, 173A5D8F-176A-41F5-9A88-B6976C…)

Forgot to attach pic and of course, I meant to write bf *

No. 146382

Ugh, anon, you deserve better, I'm sorry. You're not overthinking. In a partnership, you need someone who can work with and be there for you.

No. 146383

Maybe it's just his way of handling other people's negative emotions. These types of things are easier to respond to in person. I like listening to people and helping out in person but over text I just can't handle emotional stuff.

No. 146384

>all my bad news were affecting him to the point of him feeling sick
my reading of this is that he doesn't want to deal with you when you're sad, because it's too much work for him. he's manipulated you into not talking about it.
if i was your gf and i hadn't spoken to you in a week, and you say you 'felt like you weren't going to make it', i would be really concerned and just generally say the opposite of what this guy said. this guy does not seem like he cares tbh.
sorry anon this dude is not supportive at all, you're not thinking too much.

No. 146386

My dude, this is not cool. If he's incapable of being supportive when you're clearly in distress and going through a rough time, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with you at all.

It is not normal or healthy to feel you have to completely avoid difficult subjects with your partner. That's literally one of the major reasons people even HAVE significant others in the first place, to know someone will be there for them through thick and thin (and vice versa).

It's totally fine to be the type who does better in person, but if that was the case and her partner wasn't an asshat he would say, "Hey babe, I want to be there for you but I'd really prefer to talk face to face. I feel like I can't fully give you my support over text." Not just dismiss/ignore her troubles entirely.

No. 146387

you seem to be very articulate about it and he sounds a bit show bobs and vegene if am completely honest with you here.

No. 146390

Thanks guys. He’s genuinely a sweet guy and in his defense during the year we’ve been together he was usually receptive to my feelings. I have the feeling maybe my issues are too much and he’s hit his limit. Part of the reason he’s frustrated is because we live far from each other (LDR) and he feels powerless to help but I’ve told him before that I just need someone who can listen to me. I’ve offered him a clean friendly, break up before because I understand that it can be overwhelming to be with someone with a lot of baggage but he always says he just wants to be with me still. I’m gonna talk to him about it later today and see if what he wants to do.

No. 146393

bit of a different opinion but beforehand, when you talked about telling him bad news, how much of your conversations was actually negative? if not much in retrospect then dismiss my post, but if it was quite a bit, it could be he just got to his limit of being a sounding board for issues he cant fix. he probably doesn't want to break up with you, just wants you to be happier and have happier conversations with you. unfortunately friends are not substitites for therapists so at the end of the day, longterm issues like depression, will wither away the other person's patience but will not bring you comfort or healing.

No. 146406

In the context of online dating, isn't it a little suspicious when a guy sends a sparse text or so morning/midday, maybe a vague evening text, and then pretty much waits until he's going to bed to send a goodnight text?
I just feel like an option, not someone who he really looks forward in talking to, so he's just keeping up the bare maintenance in case I'm the fallback. It's a shame because when we met up for the date we had chemistry and he invited me to do a future date (although he's yet to follow up on the invite as a solid plan), but I feel put off by this.

No. 146409

Genuinely not meaning to sound snarky, but why would you assume you weren’t just “an option” after only one date? In the current dating scene it’s common for people to cast their nets wide and meet a bunch of different prospects to get a feel for them. Once you’ve gone on several dates (if it gets that far) and discuss where you both see things headed then you could expect more, but before that I wouldn’t presume exclusivity at all.

Also 3 texts a day is a lot for some people, hell I can barely muster a few words for my dearest friends when I’m super busy at work, dealing with responsibilities, feeling exhausted. And some people aren’t good with texting at all.

I’m just saying you shouldn’t presume he’s not interested based on his texting habits alone. It’s way too hard to presume much of anything about a person after meeting them once. That being said, I think people make time for those they’re really interested in, so if he wasn’t actively trying to schedule another date after a week+ he’s probably not too serious. (Unless there are big extenuating circumstances.)

No. 146430

Am I abusive because I hate my boyfriend's friends? I live in the Deep South and my boyfriend's friends are all incels and they say the most sexist redneck shit sometimes. They call women "females," they are obsessed with anime waifus and think tranny porn and Asian girls are top notch. They also all live at home and are close to or over 30 years old, don't know how to cook, unemployed etc. I already kind of forced him to stop being friends with his online long distance friends because they were total incel dickheads. I have tried really hard to be accepting but sometimes he'll tell me something they said and it makes me so angry. Am I being abusive by controlling his friend group? I think he is so much better when he's away from them, it makes me dislike him so much that his peers are a bunch of dumb fucks. I don't want to be abusive.

No. 146431


Anon, you are who you surround yourself with. He has no trouble surrounding himself with people like that because they are similar. I would seriously reconsider the bf.

No. 146446

But girls are females, anon. The word is actually inclusive because underage girls can't be called women. What say you?

No. 146463

Thanks for keeping the perspective anon, I just feel so gaslit when it comes to dating anymore that I don't really know how to interpret what from what. The last guy who acted interested was blowing me up and I was happy to oblige, but when in came to meeting me and proving his interest that's when he started to withdraw. No doubt you're right, that at the end of the day what counts is making plans and showing up.

No. 146475

My boy is one of those emotionally unavailable types. its beginning to get too much and I only see him on weekends, the excitement of first dating is gone, we tried living together but it didn't work out, hes losing his job.
He said a lowkey shitty thing to me earlier and it might be the last straw, i'm gonna call him later tonight if possible and I might have to break it off.
I need hype, I have abandonment issues and have never broken up with someone, the rush of loneliness and instant regret hurts too much

but damn I'm sick of feeling unloved and unsupported

No. 146476

honestly, if you guys already tried living together and it didnt work and you dont even really see each other anymore then theres no point in staying together. youre obviously incompatible. break up with him anon, you can do it! theres plenty of better guys out there.

No. 146479

ahh i try and justify it because we're both young and his living situation isn't ideal and a million other reasons but I think you're right, i'm gonna lay out all my cards and get my answers and im ready to fuck off and get my fuck on if need be

No. 146558

File: 1596731182257.gif (2.98 MB, 540x210, 179217.gif)

I share an apartment with my boyfriend, and though he loves me and does a lot for me, I don't know if I can stay with him.
1. I'm often repulsed by his humor and he doesn't get my jokes.
2. I often feel that we "speak different languages", or have a totally different worldview.
3. There's been instances where I felt manipulated and/or treated badly, even though the last time something really weird happened was several months ago (like him throwing a fit when I told him that I wanted to use a condom).
4. We have fights several times a day most of the time.
Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to break up, because I've been an asshole too (like being drunk and angry) and he does a lot for me (cooks, drives me places), because I'm over it, but I don't know.
I just don't know how I can do it, since I still care a lot about him.
I mean, I'm pretty much the only one he has and we live together, so actually breaking up will be very hard. I just don't know how to do it without pussying out and getting back together in the process, since I still have love for him, even though I might feel that he's not "the one" (if such a thing even exists).
How the fuck do I make up my mind and either work on our problems or go through with breaking up? I'm constantly obsessively thinking about this and I just have no fucking energy left. Sometimes I wish he'd just say something so unforgivable that I'd have an actual reason to break up.
I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone out there has been in a similar situation and has some advice, I'd be very grateful.

No. 146560

>fighting several times a day
Get out of there anon. In my experience, as soon as you start to actually consider leaving there's no saving the relationship. You wouldn't think about leaving this much if you loved him enough to spend the rest of your life with him. It sounds like you're staying with him out of habit and because he makes your life easy by doing things for you.
Also, getting mad at using a condom? What's the context? That's really weird.

No. 146562

Totally agree. One of the top signs of a toxic relationship is when fighting this frequently becomes normalized. That is not normal or okay, anon. Healthy relationships may include disagreements where you both respectfully discuss things with each other, but even those happen rarely when two people are right for each other.

You don't need to look for more reasons to break up. You have plenty of them, and they're very legitimate. Also, if the relationship is so great and worth saving, why are you the only one trying to address these issues? He is just as culpable but seems perfectly fine letting them sit while you struggle with this stress alone. Not worth it.

I've seen a lot of people, especially women, stay in bad relationships due to your reasoning. "But I still love him, and he relies on me/I'm the main person in his life." Not your problem. You will likely be surprised just how easily he moves on when he's forced to. If you really care about him then you need to stop enabling his shitty behavior. You staying in general is telling him, "Yeah, I can do whatever I want and pick fights with anon all the time, and she'll still stick around." That's not good for you nor something you should be "teaching" him.

No. 146564

Ladies please give it to me straight. If your partner has improved a lot of bad behaviors but sometimes reverts to their "old selves" in times of stress, do you think they deserve a break because we all fuck up, or are they just never going to change?

For the record it wasn't anything super traumatic (no hitting, name calling, stealing, cheating) but it was something I have repeatedly asked him not to do. I was just getting to the point where I felt like I could relax and trust him again, then he went sideways. He has apologized but I'm tired at this point. I want to feel like I can rely on him but I second guess his reasons for doing just about everything these days. Is that on me or him?

No. 146565

our brains are literally wired to fall back into our old habits when put under stress. If that's something you can deal with or not is up to you.

No. 146567

That's a fair point. Thank you. I feel very undecided right now but I'll try to figure out what I'm able to tolerate or not.

No. 146568

I think just the fact alone that he's trying this hard to change his habits for you shows he cares. It really depends on what he's doing - if it's simply something annoying or actually something that you can't forgive.

No. 146578

Thanks anon, that actually makes me feel a lot better. I think it's easy for me to get stuck on how things used to be at times, but that's not really fair to either myself or my partner in the present day. The thing he did is a sore spot for me, but at the same time I understand that he was feeling very desperate and upset at the time. I'm going to try and focus on the positive and chalk this up to something of a fluke.

No. 146588

I have no idea what's happening between my boyfriend and I. We dated for about a month, and recently decided to make it an exclusive relationship. We had sex for the first time and it went well. The next day we went on a cute date that ended earlier than we expected, so I suggested we go back to his place. He didn't really want to, he said that he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before and he worked the next day so he didn't want to drive me home later. I didn't push the idea but i think he could tell i was disappointed so he ended up taking me to his place anyway.

We had sex then he drove me home in almost complete silence. i asked him what was wrong and he said that sleep deprivation was really bad for his mental health and he was just really tired. I apologized for keeping him up and he told me not to worry about it. He texted me the next day to tell me that when he got home that night, he had locked his keys in his car and had another poor sleep. I felt really bad and apologized again, and asked if there was anything i could do to help him feel better and he said no he just needed sleep.

Another day has gone by and I haven't heard from him. I know that he genuinely might just be really tired, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around this because i always show love to my SO no matter how tired, depressed, whatever.. because it makes me feel better. Part of me is worried that he finally got sex so now he's bailing. I really never got this vibe from him but i cant help but worry

No. 146596

I wouldn't overthink it too much anon, some people just have a hard time finding the energy to be lovey or talkative when they're really exhausted. Besides, if he was just in it for sex idk that he would have bothered to waited a month (a month isn't that long but I feel like most dudes who are just in it for sex aren't even patient enough for that). And if it is just about the sex well then he wouldn't have been so hesitant to go back to his place and he wouldn't bail after only 2 times imo. You've apologized and been supportive, just wait to hear back from him, I'm sure it won't be too long, he probably is just really tired!

No. 146597

I don't know the guy so I could be wrong but it really does sound like he was just exhausted. Me and my boyfriend have a tendency to stay up late when we stay over during weekends and he sleeps really well around me apparently and deals with it fine but more often than not my sleep is absolutely fucked. It doesn't take a lot of sleep deprivation for my mental health to nosedive to the point I'm entering a state of absolute darkness (thoughts become gloomier than normal) and even physical nausea tbh. In that state I have absolutely no extra willpower to spare on anyone else. So from a very sleep-dependent anon to you, I believe him. Do with my opinion what you will.

No. 146634

Thank you for the perspective, I’ll try to be patient!

No. 146655

Are those other anons just as innocent as you or what? He 100% sounds like he got sex then decided to fuck off.

No. 146656

Shit. Well this hurts.

No. 146659

Yeah I don’t think it’s looking good either anon, but don’t act until more time has passed. He could also be very tired, keep us updated

No. 146661

Sorry anon, but any man that cared about you wouldn't become distant, give dumb excuses then stop contacting you the day after you have sex.

No. 146662

Not to sound like some autistic fuck, but I really don't know what is so strange about acting tired when you are? But it's also a scrote we're talking about so high chance he just wanted some pussy and got tired of your ass. I would still just guess he was genuinely tired.

No. 146663

I agree.
Anon, he didn't want to bring you home and have sex because he was tired, but did anyway because you wanted to… and now you're upset because he's probably catching up on sleep after not getting any and then working the next day?
I don't understand how "I don't really want to take you home and have sex today because I'm tired" = he got sex and is now fucking off. It's not like he was pushing you to have sex and is now ghosting you.

No. 146695

>match with guy on app
>we have a lot in common and he seems nice, seems like a decent job
>confesses he's separating from his wife and doesn't use social media
>check his fb and it says married, but wife's fb does seem rather solo so it could be truth
>seems eager to text, asks me for selfies constantly which I don't like
>avoid some of his sexual jokes he texts, acts apologetic
>have a video chat before first date and he showers me with compliments
>first date goes well, but we met halfway and dinner was cheap so it wasn't a big investment for him
>asks me on a second date
>texting from him slow fades
>the day of the second date he cancels "due to work"
>later texts that work canceled but he still can't go on the date due to lack of mental energy
>reply that I would've said no anyway since I already got dinner
>he asks if I want to drive a few hours to spend a half day at his vacation property where he will be staying for a week
>lol no, wanna talk later?
>he acts like he's in trouble but agrees
>I miss his text because I genuinely fell asleep early and he didn't text until late
>send an apology
>today, radio silence

So I just told him his life seemed complicated and I was moving on. He was probably cheating while his wife is away or something. Fuck scrotes. They ruin everything.

No. 146696

from how I look at it, both ways are realistically possible (either he was really tired like he said, or he got his sex and bailed). Now you just need time to see how it plays out.

>I have a hard time wrapping my head around this because i always show love to my SO no matter how tired

I know for me personally though, when I'm really tired I need everyone to fuck off including my SO and leave me alone, it's not uncommon.

No. 146700

Men are giant manbabies when they're tired. There's nothing sus about his behavior at all, even pushing himself enough to muster sex, begrudgingly dropping you off, and then trying to guilt you for stupidly locking himself out is very expected behavior. Next time don't have sex when he's like that.

No. 146703


He dumped me. Over text. He said he just didn’t see it working out long term. I’m devastated because I really liked this guy, if he was faking the whole thing he had me FOOLED. The date went SO well until we went to his place… I don’t understand

No. 146704

Like literally everything was going perfectly. He seemed head over heels for me, he introduced me to his mom on this date (we were walking his family dog)

No. 146707

Did he feel pushed into having sex or something? Maybe that's what turned him off. Some guys can be really weird about sex because of religion, self esteem, etc.

No. 146710

No, he dumped anon because he felt he did something he didn't want to do.
And if there's anything that will doom you quicker in a man's mind, it's them feeling like you forced them to do something for you. Even if they benefited temporarily from that thing (the benefit here being sex, the devaluation of anon was blaming her for his locked out keys).

Anon I know you're hurt but it's good riddance. He didn't care about you at all. You'd only be subjected to these stupid manchild games throughout the relationship.

No. 146721

Ugh. Men are fucking awful sometimes. I wish they'd talk about their problems.

Guys often act enthusiastic and do shit then completely change their minds. Have you ever promised to do something or bought something on impulse then regretted it? Men are like that all the time for everything.

No. 146779

What a shitheel. Not only the lead up, but dumping over text is one of the trashiest and most emotionally immature moves someone can make. I know it sucks right now but I agree with the other anons, it's good you found out the type of person he is early on rather than wasting months or years having to deal with this level of manchild petulance.

No. 146782


shit fuck that guy, i'm sorry anon, if he didn't want to take you home he should have just stuck to that instead of being a passiveaggressive little bitch

he def wanted sex. you didn't pressure him into anything. so what you were disappointed, you're allowed to be disappointed, it's on him for making judgment against his own sleep deprivation.

yet he totally blamed you for his inconveniences. he has communication and commitment issues and unwillingness to take any responsibility, good riddance!

No. 146784


I’ve never been so blindsided by a breakup before. Like I wouldn’t have been surprised if this guy told me he loves me at any minute. I’d give anything just to have it go back to the way it was.

I think it was my fault. On the way to his place I got really quiet and he asked me what’s wrong. I told him I was uncomfortable because I could tell he didn’t really want me to come over. He assured me that it was ok but I stayed quiet and uncomfortable until we got to his place. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. Then I started to relax and things were ok again. Then on the drive home he got quiet and that’s when this whole thing started. I wish I hadn’t been weird and anxious and fucking stupid.

The worst part is that I texted him to ask him why he didn’t think it would work out, and he never texted me back. Such a slap in the face

No. 146785

No no no no. Please don't play that game and let his inability to communicate like an adult trick you into believing this is your fault somehow. Honestly this was such a minuscule and utterly meaningless thing for him to get his panties twisted over, he clearly did not have the brain cells required to be in a relationship anyway. It is no great loss to you at all.

>Bro says doing thing is okay but seems reluctant

>Girl says he seems reluctant, tells him it's okay to back out
>Bro assures her everything is good then broods when girl actually takes him at his word
>Bro breaks up with girl for believing what he told her

In what universe does that remotely make sense? And now he can't even manage to have an honest conversation with you about what his damage is, likely because he has no clue himself. He is the definition of a manchild anon, be glad he fucked off.

No. 146786

I keep trying to understand but I just don’t get how someone can go from so caring and affectionate to being so cruel that quickly. Wtf???

No. 146787

He got what he wanted.

No. 146788


Some people will turn on you at the slightest bit of discomfort or trouble. You make one "mistake" and instead of communicating their problem or giving you an opportunity to make things right they just use it against you and cut you off. It reeks of immaturity. For the record you did nothing wrong, if he really didn't want you to come over he should have stuck to saying no and not have told you it was okay if it really wasn't, especially when you were giving him an out.

I was one of the anons who replied to your OP and told you he was probably genuinely tired so I apologize for the shitty advice. Just a good reminder to always trust your gut I guess and if it says something's off then it probably is.

No. 146789

He never pushed me for sex at all though. didn't even push me to kiss. He was very respectful in that regard

No. 146790

He got some deep seated issues that are probably better you don’t know, it’ll just hurt to stay pondering too long, try to occupy yourself with something comfy for now anon

No. 146825

I'm trying but it's so hard. still no response from him but he just unfriended me on facebook.

No. 146828

he's gay anon

No. 146829

KEK. this is true btw, i learnt this the hard way

No. 146844

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING. Imo it's really not normal to wait a whole month to have sex, and it is even weirder if the guy wasn't even that into kissing. He either wasn't attracted to anon or just gay kek. I don't think he broke up with her because "she made him do something he didn't want to do and men hate that". Just doesn't come across to me that way, it sounds more like he was genuinely kind of dreading having sex.

No. 146856

>Imo it's really not normal to wait a whole month to have sex

It's standard for a lot of people.

No. 146860

Gay? Nah. He's just got obvious issues and blamed anon for ~pressuring~ him into doing something he didn't actually wanna do despite himself agreeing to it. The sex was fine for him sure, but the effort of having to take her back made him twisted because he did not want to do this for her. Then he did something stupid and blamed anon for it. It's like gah, if only he hadn't caved in to that anon's disappointment, clearly she caused him to lock out his keys cause she just couldn't read his mind and go home! Men are this fucked up towards women they don't really care about. Men will treat you this indifferently if they want nothing to do with you and will use ANY reason to get rid of you.

I just had this very thing happen to me. Some scrote recently blamed me for making him "cave" into a relationship when I told him he could either change his relationship status to prove he was serious about me, or that I'd walk away and there would be boundaries with him. Well obviously he wanted my continuing attention, but he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Even though thats what he said to my face and led me on about for a month. So he begrudgingly agreed and I knew it wasn't gonna last. In the meantime he cut off all texting and practically ghosted me. He lasted a week before he texted me to break up. He used me "laughing at him" as the reason because I made him "uncomfortable." Actually I just sent a laugh emoji earlier when he expected me to wait weeks to months for him to make a decision about having a relationship. He used that to extrapolate that I was "laughing at his issues" when all I was doing was laughing at his excuses–which is what they were clearly! See? Now he could say I was a mean bitch to him as the breakup reason instead of being the guy who led me on and said what he didn't mean for his selfish reasons. He had no problem dumping and blocking me. BUT when I told the "just a friend" woman he'd been courting before me about his antics and she blocked him, he frantically called her and begged for her back.
Don't you see? It has nothing to do with a man being gay. It has everything to do with a man not really wanting you. Men do for women they want.

It hurts, but don't internalize it OP. There's nothing you could have done or said differently that would have made this man value you more. If not this issue, he would have used a different incident to dump you. He didn't want you, but needed a better excuse to ditch you so he wouldn't look like the bad guy. I'm sorry this happened to you but at least now you can see it for the bullshit it is.

No. 146893


so he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he dumped me because he didnt think i valued or respected him after this incident. i pointed out to him that i gave him many chances to take me home and even offered to take the bus home. He said that he shouldve been more assertive and that it wasnt my fault, and that hes been dealing with bad insomnia all week. i told him that i hoped things turned around for him, and that i wasn't going to try to convince him to stay but i was sorry for making him feel unvalued. and yeah thats where we left off. idk

No. 146895

He's not worth it, he's a manbaby.

No. 146913

Hey y'all, I need help deciding if this guy is creepy or if I'm paranoid.

>go on first date

>he's nice, easy conversation, pays for my drink
>texts me later that day
>keeps calling me cute
>posts a pic we took of the table twice
>says he should've taken a pic of me
>screenshots a selfie I send him and reposts it

He's in college and has friends/exes so those are arguments that he's not psycho, right? Is he just too eager?

No. 146918

Creepy. Would you do that?

No. 146919

No. Sigh.

No. 146920

Um yes, that is creepy. I don't think it's I'm-going-to-murder-you creepy but it is absolutely an overeager type of creepy that would cause me to not go on a second date with a dude. It's a first date. You guys are basically strangers. It's VERY weird to repost a practical strangers selfie or otherwise act so familiar with someone you just met.

Guys who act like that are basically just putting you on a pedestal because they're desperate for a relationship/sex. They aren't seeing the real you, and it could be literally any girl that they would do this to, because it's not about you, it's about the idea of the relationship/sex.

No. 146922

Thank you for being a voice of reason. Reddit and 4chan would both be filled with dudes saying "it's nothing, give him a chance". Sad because I actually liked him and he was normal in person.

No. 146923

I know how you feel! Reminds me of a dude I went on a couple dates with, totally normal and nice in person but soon he was sending me poems about what an ethereal goddess I was lmao. It sounds romantic but it just felt dehumanizing since he didn't really know me. Not saying these guys are bad people necessarily maybe just immature or not ready to date

No. 146930

So, I am having trouble gauging where some boundaries should be in my relationship.

I live with my boyfriend of 2 years, who I do love. He is a pretty secure, nice, supportive, good looking guy. we share many of the same values and interests. Things are mostly good but there is something thats been bothering me. he is REALLY into costhots/instathots and he personally knows many.

Before we started dating he had slept with a few medium success cosplayers/instagram/twitch girls most of them were…really skanky. Definitely some people who could be posted in the extreme Photoshop threads too.

Anyway, we are monogamous and I don't have a problem with him looking at porn at all, but he has this fucking obsession with girls and cosplayers he knows, some of whom follow him on socials. He will do everything he can to see their nudes if they're online somewhere. He had a patron for following female "friends'" nudes (some of the girls knew he followed, some of them didn't.) Many of the girls have boyfriends so I don't think he is specifically trying to cheat or anything like that, especially not during a pandemic. He especially likes it when he finds out a costhot follows him.

I find his specific hyperfixation on real girls who follow him, who he knows and talks to sometimes really disgusting. I don't want to go digging though his shit, because that is a major violation of trust, but I see some of his social scouring in our shared computer history. I am not sure if he has a pay onlyfans that he uses to watch his "friends" but i feel like he might.

TLDR: am I super insecure and in the wrong for wanting him to fucking stop looking at nudes of women he personally knows??? It makes me really angry.

IDK why he can't just get off to normal porn of strangers like everyone else.

No. 146934

Anon what the fuck. It’s creepy enough to be super into porn stars, but this internet stalking of people he knows personally is beyond creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s even more to it that you don’t know about. Get some real standards, Christ

Is this some Madonna whore shit or is he just a completely degenerate coomer? This is why you don’t act ok with men watching porn, give an inch…

No. 146944

I agree that it's creepy as fuck. Don't agree that restricting access to reg porn is ok, as I would never stay with a partner who was so controlling of me.

I did search his nsfw account name on OF and found that he made an account with the same profile header and image he uses. I'm thinking of just asking him if he made an account and why to see if he will fess up but it will betray that I have been snooping in our (undeleted) history and I am afraid he is just going to get better at covering his tracks.

Is it worth coming off as a cyberstalker to outright ask in order to open a candid discussion about it?

No. 146945

You know that you can have standards and that they can include men who don’t watch porn? Of course, that only makes sense if you yourself don’t watch it. But don’t let yourself be memed into thinking that having standards is controlling.

Anyway, just bring it up. I doubt it will help, at best he will act sorry and keep doing that shit in private. He’ll more likely get mad and try to turn it on you. You don’t even need to bring up the snooped stuff, just say that his obsession with real people is some sexual predator type shit (you don’t have to use those words, but damn I just can’t imagine tolerating this at all)

Have the balls to break up with him when it goes south, because things will get worse if you don’t

No. 146947

I had a similar problem, my bf was good friends with a insta/costhot who is pretty popular online. I saw she was the top searched on his Instagram one day and called him out for it cuz it’s hella creepy.
He responded by deleting all his socials without me asking, so I kinda forgave.
If I were in your shoes I’d be gone with the wind, you ain’t no cuck

No. 146980

Always trust your instincts when something feels off and don't even entertain the idea of asking inceloid creeps on Scrote-chan and Reddit if a guy sounds okay or not.

No. 146993

Finally bit the bullet and hit the guy I've probably been seeing regularly since mid-late June with the dreaded "What are we?" question last night. He said we're FWB. On paper, I wouldn't mind being a casual arrangement like this - I don't think I'm ready to invest myself in a real committed relationship at this point in time.

But I get the feeling that what we do together might be too intimate to be considered just a "friends with benefits" relationship. The fact that I'm even on this thread feeling antsy about this is likely evidence enough that I'm in too deep. Here's the thing: I'm not entirely familiar with what the boundaries between a FWB and a boyfriend are supposed to be, so it'd be helpful if a third party could help me out.

We first met on a dating app, so we were never even "friends" beforehand.
>constant pda (hand holding, cuddling, kissing, etc. including in front of his friends)

>his friends know about me

>been to his family's house and met his aunties and even his mom one time
>going on "dates" and often spending the entire day together
>stay the night at his place every time

I feel like I kinda played myself and let myself get a bit infatuated with him. He said that he's always had this apathy towards sex and dating in general, and that he never had a real girlfriend before despite the fact that he's dated other women. Did I fuck up?

No. 146994

No , hes just a sleazebag . He obviously likes you and cares about you but he wants to have his options open.
I had an ex that did that same shit when I asked what were we, and then some days later this popular/hot guy told me he wanted to bang me so I told my "fwb" that and then I said "i guess i can say yes right?" He changed SO QUICKLY to "no, you're my gf".

No. 146995

Yeah, sounds like he gets everything from you he wants from a girlfriend, without giving you any of the commitment that would usually come with this type of arrangement. The fact you are even on this thread is proof you’re in too deep. Personally, if you’re fine with way your current relationship is set up- I don’t see the issue with you continuing as long as you’re aware of where you stand with this guy. If not, I’d say cut your losses while you still can. Also, men who display “apathy” towards dating and sex are normally huge jerks, not broken wallflowers that just need a nice girl to fix them.

No. 147042


Yeah. I appreciate the feedback. If anything, it solidified the idea that I am not being a total psycho to not be ok with that.

Update, I actually did confront him (calmly) and my hand was on his shoulder for a few moments and I could feel his heart fucking POUNDING. He immediately said he signed up bc he was 'curious what one girl was posting that he used to know" and apologized and showed me that it was a free sub and took his credit card info off the site. I told him I was not cool with him paying money to see nudes of people he knows or that I know, and that it is weird. He is a not a confrontational guy and he agreed and said that was fair.

I still don't think he understands that it is uncool that he has so much interest in acquaintances's OF and lewds, but that is a deeper problem.

Anyway I'm going to keep an eye out for sketchy shit now, but i suspect if he is up to anything he is going to work extra hard to keep me from seeing it.

No. 147043

His heart was pounding bc he knows what he's doing is wrong

No. 147046

A guy I was talking to for a couple months in my mutual friend group would always take hours and sometimes days to reply, and never initiated conversations, only reply when I started them. Now that I’ve dropped him due to his clear lack of interest, he’s started crawling back and asking if I’ve gotten his texts and always talking to me with our friends and seeking me out. He seemed quite sad about me not replying anymore, but this is after months of attempts to get him to formally ask me on a date or create conversation. I should just continue to ignore him, right? He’s even telling friends that he likes me, when originally he said he couldn’t be sure he did until we talked more. I don’t see the game he’s playing at, unless he was just an attention whore.

No. 147050

> quite sad about me not replying anymore, but this is after months of attempts to get him to formally ask me on a date or create conversation
He doesn't want to date you, he wants you to randomly message him saying you're horny some night, imo that's what he's hanging on in hopes of. Not a relationship or anything that requires effort on his part.

No. 147051

The weird thing is he was never sexual in any form, didn’t even pick up on attempts at flirting, so ultimately I assumed he had no interest at all. I’ve come to the conclusion he probably was trying to play multiple cards at once and decided on me, as if that would work at all.

No. 147065

Sounds like he had some irons in the fire, or was feeling lukewarm on you and now he's suddenly lonely so that option is looking a lot more appealing. I don't think that's an automatic deal-breaker, he could grow to like you for real, but you shouldn't be particularly flattered about this. It's definitely worth proceeding with caution and not getting attached since there is a high chance of being used. if you just want to fuck, thats fine. If you want something deep you might want to wait for someone to come along who is actually excited to talk to you from the beginning.

No. 147121

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and everytime we have plans he never sets an alarm and I have to call him over and over to wake him up. Well today we have plans, he suggested them to me, actually, and I wake up early so I can do my usual routine of getting him to wake up at a decent hour, and today his phone died. I tried messaging him through discord but no luck. So I'm sitting here feeling like shit because my adult boyfriend cant wake himself up and I'm basically being stood up. If he doesnt wake up before 3 then I'm also gonna have no fucking ride to work, icing on the cake I guess.

No. 147129

I'm sorry anon, that sounds really shitty and frustrating. How does he even hold down a job if he can't maintain a schedule on his own?

No. 147131

Did he ever wake up?

No. 147134

He's taking you for granted. If he really cared about you then he'd haul ass.

No. 147141

suffocate him with a pillow. you'll never have to wake him up again.

No. 147146

Don't take this the wrong way anon, but you set the wrong tone the second you took over an adult man's responsibility to wake his self out of bed. If he can get out of bed for school or work, then he could do it for you too. The issue at play is that he now takes for granted that you will be the motivator.
The problem now is, now that you see this as a problem, any reasonable criticism or boundary you put up for this behavior will likely end with him thinking you're suddenly a bitch for wanting him to be more responsible for himself.

You can try talking to him, but I doubt this will change. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long but it's not normal.

No. 147163

I feel so lost in life. I grew up with a crack whore mother, no dad, no siblings, never met my cousins and my grandparents are dead. As soon as I turned 18 I left. I went into horrible relationships but couldn't leave because I had no other family or friends. I finally enrolled in uni but just announced the entire semester will be online. The few friends I were making all went back home. I'm working a decent job saving money but dont see a purpose in anything without a relationship. Guys I meet on dating apps ghost if they dont get sex immediately. The few times I waited and felt their was something,I still get ghosted. I dont see a purpose in living with zero family, friends, a significant other.

No. 147183

Looking for some general advice on a complicated situation. I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years, who we'll call Amy. My problem is she refuses to attend any kind of social event with my boyfriend. The reason is that one of her friends, let's call her Bella, used to date my boyfriend. They dated for about 4 months and never became 'official', but I guess the split really upset her, because Amy refuses to be around my boyfriend on her behalf. Afaik he didn't do anything to hurt her, but the split was on his terms. They broke up at the very beginning of the year, and haven't spoken since.

I was sympathetic at first because sure, awkward situations and I didn't want Amy to feel like she was being caught in the middle of something, especially if she felt she needed to support Bella. But we've been together since April now, and I'm not asking her to hang out just the 3 of us, literally just attend some social gatherings like a bbq with loads of other people. My boyfriend has made it clear he won't try to interact with her if she doesn't want him to. But every time I invite her to something, her first response is 'if your boyfriend is there, then no'. Is it unfair of me to expect our friendship to at least mean she'd try to be civil? Do you think with more time, this will pass? I don't want to be made to pick between them because by all means I don't want to lose her, but I guess I'm getting frustrated, I've never dealt with something like this before.

No. 147184

I’m not saying relationships in general aren’t worthwhile anon, of course they can be very meaningful, but everyone is in a weird place with COVID right now. Life will eventually go back to normal and you’ll have a more typical level of social interaction at that point.

Until then and in general, it’s important to find comfort being on your own. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough life and been on your own for a long while, but when you’re desperate for any type of contact at all, that’s how you get stuck in those crappy relationships and accept less than you deserve from people. My humble advice is that you need to find activities and goals that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment in yourself. When you have a base level of contentment then having other people consistently around is a bonus but not a necessity, so you can pick and choose the good ones.

The fact that you have a good job and got into uni in itself is admirable. You’re already doing awesome. There are a lot of crappy guys out there true, but sometimes you have to go through a lot of trash to find the hidden gem. I just hope you prioritize your own growth over a relationship.

No. 147185

Honestly, I'd do nothing. If she wants to pout and miss out on fun events that's on her. Let her wake up one day and realize she's become socially inept.

No. 147187

This is weird and stupid. It’s not even Amy who used to date your boyfriend, but some third party? Is she 12? Come on.

I would have a heart to heart with her and say that boyfriend is a part of your life now and it hurts that she avoids you because of this relationship. He didn’t do anything wrong to her and it doesn’t even sound like he was dismissive of the friend he used to date. I totally agree that she’s prioritizing this non-issue of existing in the same space as a guy over a 10-year friendship, which is insane.

Ultimately though people are going to do what they want, so if she makes this the hill she wants the friendship to die on, so be it. You aren’t the unreasonable one.

No. 147188

Unless he did something really fucked up to Bella (which I'm guessing he didn't or Amy would have mentioned it), Amy is being a huge baby for sure. If she has a legitimate issue with the guy, she should explain it to you like an adult. Otherwise, she needs to get over herself.

No. 147212

It could be that she has a crush on your boyfriend, or it could be that this guy is a huge creep and you aren't seeing it. It could be that the way you act around your boyfriend weirds her out or makes her feel neglected. For a 10 year friendship, it's worth it to plan a social activity with her and without your boyfriend and try to figure out what's going on.

No. 147223

More of a vent if anything, but I'm NEVER going to pursue a guy recommended by my mutual friends ever again.
I gave the last moid too much benefit of the doubt and was nice, when ordinarily I would have stuck to my guns and upheld boundaries all because my good friend stanned for him and assured me he was good. In reality he was leading me on, manipulating me into accepting the contact he had with exes/women he was interested in before me, and ultimately lying to me about his intentions. He used me for his ego validation and then discarded me when I asked him to prove he was actually going to commit to me in the way he had said. That bastard was just fielding his options and wasn't taking me seriously at all. He covered his bullshit by trying to claim "mental illness" but I saw through that and properly called him out. Yeah, I was mean to him about it but that shitbag embarrassed me and wasted my time.

Unfortunately when I told my friend about it (who I now feel is a bit of a pickme herself) even though she ultimately sided with me she thought I was still too mean because she thoroughly believed that scrote's mental illness excuse. I'm pissed that he might have damaged my friendship with her because society is still too conditioned to forgive men for being manipulators and liars as long as they claim anxiety or some shit because god forbid there's consequences to fucking with a woman's life and feelings.

No. 147229

her having feelings for him has crossed my mind, but I have no proof of that. It just seems like her reaction is so…ott. I know I"m bias but I've never got a dodgy feeling from my bf and I don't know anyone else that has a negative opinion of him. I will try to meet up with her just us two and see if I can calmly confront her about it.

No. 147230

Ugh I'm sorry to hear all this anon, I haaate when people use mental illness as a shield to defend shithead behavior.

I have a mental illness, my boyfriend has a mental illness, several of my friends have fucking mental illnesses… it doesn't mean we go around using other people, lying about our intentions and generally causing pain and suffering to those around us. In fact if anything I try to be extra careful of how I treat others because I know I can't always trust my own perspective. Mental illness may make relationships harder but it's NOT an excuse for bad behavior, especially when you already know about your condition. He should've taken some fucking responsibility for himself like any competent adult would. I'm glad you called him out.

No. 147231

Thank you anon, that really put a smile on my face

No. 147261

I don't know if it's me, or the big city that I live in, but I find it so hard to connect with anyone. Even on dating apps where you'd think that being a pretty average but cute girl would give you plenty of choice, I hardly get any chat.

I recently went on a few dates and had sex with a cute guy and had a really good chemistry in person which made me pretty hopeful, asked him something pretty innocuous a few days ago and since then, no texts.

Did I say something dumb? Should I not sleep so early with people? Did he get back with an ex after all?

I'm too prideful to double text to know why but I'm really annoyed just because I'm fairly good a reading people and we definitely had a nice chemistry in person.

No. 147343

A lot of men use Tinder for hook-ups. Personally, I would not have sex with a man until at least three months of commitment (without telling them). It weeds em out.

No. 147351

I'd stick with this advice. Also, I actually found my long-term boyfriend through Tinder, but I specifically stated on my profile that I wasn't looking for hook-ups. Did men who wanted hook-ups still contact me anyway? Sure, but it also helped communicate to the guys who similarly wanted something meaningful that I might be a good fit.

No. 147370

I wasn't specifically on Tinder and it seems that guy was looking for a relationship himself. But maybe I should give a try to not sleep with someone right away, that wouldn't hurt.

Though to be fair, my latest "boyfriend" was a guy I hooked up right away and we then decided to give dating a try while being exclusive. He was very nice and honest, but I still broke it off within a month because we didn't really mesh as a couple.

I'm not even against a potential FWB situation but I still need someone who'd show basic respect and not just text me whenever he wants his dick wet or ghost me out of the blue. Maybe I should try dating men in their late 30s.

No. 147372

>Maybe I should try dating men in their late 30s.
Sure, if you have literally zero dignity and self respect. Fucking hell, as if an old man will 'respect' you. If he wanted a woman he could respect, he'd get one his own age.

No. 147373

As someone dating men in their late 30s, they’re absolutely no better, if not worse.

No. 147374

My friends though dating older would make a difference but it doesn’t. They’re like this at all ages.

No. 147393

I’ve had some flings and one night stands and whatever but now that I actually want to maybe date someone I have absolutely no idea what to do. Or if I even want a relationship with him. I’m fuckin 29. It’s long distance and I hate texting. What could go wrong.

No. 147408

>It’s long distance
Run awaaaay, this will not end well. Temporarily going long-distance after a period of regular dating is one thing, but relationships that start long-distance will stay that way. I've never seen one end well for anybody.

No. 147425

File: 1597336461319.jpeg (180.58 KB, 1600x1067, B8F12D28-13F5-4F55-B8C4-AC991B…)

Does anyone here have experience with couples therapy?
How long had you been together? What made you try it? Did it help?

No. 147430

I'm telling you this from experience, and because I want to help you. Any man who respects you would not be FWB or hook up on the first date. Men know that any time they have sex with you, there's a chance of getting you pregnant. A good man would respect the difficult position that puts you in and never push for it. But most men are shitheads. Because there's almost no risk to them, they don't care. I'm afraid for you because you described a man you knew for a month as nice and honest, as if that was enough time to truly know, and knowing that men tend to pretend to be decent men to get laid quickly. You're valuable and you deserve a respectful guy. Please be careful.

No. 147433

update to this whole debacle, turns out he’s been talking to multiple girls in our friend circle and his favorite was one with a boyfriend, so he was talking to me as a backup. I could not be happier I blocked him when I did and stopped engaging. Thanks for your advice, it was spot on. He’s staying blocked and now all our friends know what a scumbag he is.

No. 147434

I was long distance with a guy for a year then we moved to be together and eventually got married. Stayed together for 5 years before getting a divorce. So I guess that doesn't disprove that they don't end well, but we did break up for reasons aside from the distance lol.

No. 147438

I haven't personally anon, but a close friend has and she's still with her boyfriend. I was there through all the chaos and I can see they're genuinely happy now, so yes, it helped. As in all instances of therapy, you genuinely have to desire change for it to work. The therapist isn't magically going to fix everything, and to be blunt they know jack shit about you and your partner at the start, so the process is really about them trying to help you help yourselves. That can't work if one or both of you is just trying to prove the other wrong, hoping the other person will do all the work, doesn't believe they actually need to be there, etc. Some reluctance and discomfort is understandable at first, but overall everyone should be on board and agree there's an issue you both need to put effort in to fix.

They'd been together for several years before they went. The issue was a mix of the boyfriend having trust issues from his prior relationship, anger and too much drinking. Girlfriend had her own trust issues, was a bit too controlling and took everything personally, even in times when there was truly no reason for it. They're much more understanding of each other these days, though that wasn't only thanks to therapy but open communication, doing their own reading/self improvement and a desire to get better.

No. 147477

Well, I’ve been for 5 years with my bf, one of long distance and we couldn’t be more happy together.
If you hate texting I’d say it’s not worth it since it’s double the work communication wise. It’s hard and I wouldn’t recomment it unless you’re absolutely sure he’s your soulmate and both parts dedicate yourselves to the other.

No. 147597

I haven't seen my SO in 6 months and in that time my overbite/crooked teeth got worse and my mouth looks even more strange due to my teeth pushing my lips and skin in weird directions do you think my SO will not be attracted to me anymore

No. 147598

Should I break up with my boyfriend? He told me when I was having a rough patch, he got off to porn because I wasn't there for him. To me this just says he hardly has any loyalty to me. Before this it felt exclusive, but now I feel like I'm just another body to him since clearly he can desire anyone else the second I am depressed. I don't watch pornography or lust after any other man, in my eyes he's all I could ever want. Am I being overdramatic? Legit feels like I was cheated on. This is my first relationship btw.

No. 147609

I went through this exact experience anon. The choice is yours, and I would factor in a number of things. How strong is your relationship outside of this experience? Do you generally have good communication? Did the two of you discuss porn usage prior to this happening (did you both decide if it was allowed or not in the relationship)?

I'm fine with my boyfriend viewing porn because I have used it in the past as well, albeit infrequently. So long as we have a healthy sex life and he's keeping his usage private, it was fine. But when I was depressed we also had a lot less sex, and so I felt like he allowed the porn to replace our own intimacy. That being said, he doesn't have a lot of experience around depressed people and it's a hard thing for a lot of partners to understand. He told me that because I was less "present" he himself felt unwanted, so approaching me for sex felt strange. The porn was a quick and easy way to orgasm, but there were no emotions tied to it. It was an impersonal tool, he wasn't joining people's OnlyFans accounts or talking to other women.

Did he handle it the best way? No, I would rather he came to me and expressed himself so we could've addressed the lack of connection he felt, rather than him letting his own feelings further pull us apart. But imo porn is less about actual desire than just a means to an end. If your boyfriend isn't using it now or is using it less and your sex life is back to normal, then I'd tell himyou'd rather he be more open with you during difficult times instead of closing off like that. Depression is a tough thing for a lot of people to grasp and not take personally.

No. 147676

i think you'll be fine. they probably think you look beautiful no matter what.

No. 147684

Currently have a gigantic painful crush on an internet friend. Problem is that I'm not into long distance and both of us are in pretty bad spots mentally. I'd like to distance myself from her for a while, maybe 2 weeks, to focus on myself so I can hopefully get over her.

Should I tell her why I want to distance myself? Or should I just say I need a break to focus on me, leaving out the crush part?

I really want to tell her but I'm not sure if that would be a strange thing to do. We aren't even that close. Casual friends at best. I feel like a creep, honestly, I don't know why I like her so much. But god it really doesn't help when she insists on flirting with me…

No. 147691

there's nothing creepy about developing feelings for someone who is kind to you / you enjoy talking to, so don't beat yourself up. Taking a few weeks for yourself is a great idea, definitely do that, but I wouldn't tell her. Just say you need to focus on your personal life at home for a few weeks, and for her not to worry but you'll reach out again when your time isn't needed elsewhere. If you return and you still feel strongly for her, then consider telling her. But you might find the time apart will help alleviate your crush anyway.

No. 147709

File: 1597514915696.jpg (122.91 KB, 1200x1186, 20200729_174111-1.jpg)

Have you ever dated an autistic man?

What were your experiences? I might need help.

No. 147710

I had an aspergers friend develop feelings for me and while we didn't date he seemed to convince himself that we were dating. He had issues around respecting boundaries, especially when it came to touch and oversharing his porn tastes with me. Got to the point where I couldn't keep up the friendship so I moved house and never told him my new address. Heard years later that he still regularly told people he'd been callously dumped by me. Again we weren't dating and I even had a bf at the time.

Met another aspergers male years later and was only friendly with him through a class we took together.. he started to overshare talk of his masturbation habits with me and it was basically a repeat of the first guy but without the stalking this time. I now work in a field full of them and I'm very cautious because it seems enough of them suffer with those same issues.

No. 147711

BF has mild autism (I didn’t even know he had it until he told me) and he’s extremely sweet and thoughtful. He’s actually great at listening and really does try to understand why I feel the way I do even though it’s hard for him. Sometimes he absent-mindedly says things that may seem rude or mean but if he ever senses that he does, he’s super apologetic. He also needs his space sometimes and can be a little quiet but I like that. A couple of my friends have said they wish they could have a boyfriend like mine. So personally my experience has been great. However, two of my friends have dated autistic men and whilst one was just your generic spergy autist who can’t dress and mansplains everything, the other was a violent asshole. I think it depends on the man more than the autism from what I’ve seen.

No. 147714

growing up with an autistic father has taught me one very important lesson: never get into (any sorts of) relationship with an autistic man.

Men are already shitty enough creatures to begin with and finding one who's good is already hard enough, I genuinely don't see why you would voluntarily get yourself involved with a man who's autistic on top of that, sorry anons who are dating autists. The risk is not worth it.

No. 147715

Samefag, in addition: I believe you also need to think on the long-term just to be safe. Do you potentionally want biological kids in the future? If so, do you want to risk getting kids with autism? Autism is largely caused by genetics. A coworker of mine has a husband and three children all with aspergers, they make the poor woman's life very very tough.

In short, in my opinion dating an autistic man is never a good idea.

No. 147717

So my boyfriend has a really bad habit of cancelling on our hangouts last minute. He deals with mental health issues so it's usually that he's not feeling good mentally or that he's tired or something like that. It really frustrates me, because I put in the effort to get ready to see him for nothing and it seems disrespectful of my time. He says I should be more flexible, that we've been dating for two years and so seeing each other doesn't need to be some grand event and if he comes over, cool, and if not, cool, and maybe I just shouldn't get ready until he confirms the day of. It's hard to explain why that upsets me, I know one of my flaws is I'm not very flexible or good at dealing with changes in plans, but I'm always looking forward to see him and I only cancel very rarely, and it just makes me feel desperate to basically wait around to see whether or he's going to be up for it or not. Can anyone help me phrase my issue to him better so he understands it a bit more? Or am I just being unnecessarily stubborn here? Not really sure what to do because this is like a consistent disagreement we have

No. 147721

Yeah, I don't know about your boyfriends specific mental health issues but it does sound like he could be trying more. It's definitely ok to cancel on occassion but at this point it sounds like he's using it as an easy way out. A relationship is give and take after all. Mental illness is hard but he needs to suck it up some days. He might even end up feeling a bit better. Mental health is rarely helped from just staying at home honestly. I bet you would be willing to make plans around how he feels as well. I don't know how often you see each other, that's another factor here, I guess.

Basically I would tell him that you are understanding of his issues but that you feel hurt when he abruptly cancels so often as it feels for you like you're investing more than he is? Just talk about it from your perspective, no blame-language and just reiterate how much you care and he should understand

No. 147725

Tell him it's not fair towards you that only you are expected to compromise.

No. 147727

Thank you! He usually stays the night at my place Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday and while he does follow through more than he cancels, he cancels enough that it's been a thing. I have mental health issues myself so I'm definitely as understanding as I can be, and I'm totally cool if we just chill at home, but like you said at this point it seems like an excuse to be flaky. I will definitely take both of you guys' advice!

No. 147751

File: 1597550655586.jpg (16.99 KB, 300x300, 300px-Crying_Cat_with_paw_up.j…)

It's almost impossible for me to meet anyone I would be open to getting know/getting comfortable around and I finally met someone recently, for the first time since the last date I went on which was dec 2019. I'm pretty sure tho they have lost all interest in me after just 4 dates, which is exactly when I started to really like them. I'm so depressed, I thought I was finally ascending from being a femcel. I don't even know weather we had any long term potential, I'm just so sad that I wont even get a chance to find out or get to know him better because I really started to feel comfortable and enjoy time I spent with him. I don't know what I did wrong because he seemed really interested in me originally and that interest has decreased, tbh I think the main issue is a huge difference in education and IQ (in his favor) and also the fact that he has a significant career in STEM and I don't have shit going on in my life rn because of coronavirus, but then IDK why he bothered to even spend more then 1-2 dates with me, like it was pretty obvious from the get go. The saddest part is I don't think he really understood that I'm shy and thinks Im not particularly attracted him or into him when I am, but I feel I have no avenue to communicate that now without sounding weird. How do I keep from being extremely depressed and crying?

No. 147755

Thank you for this, you ended up being very right. This would have been a horrible day for her to get that kind of news. Bless you anon.

No. 147759

been dating an autistic guy for a year now, slight red flags showing but we're at the point where we say I love you

I'm slightly autistic myself, (but it does manifest differently in females) and don't want kids. still an awful idea to continue? I know I won't do better in a while and I have no friends whatsoever where I live. halp

No. 147774

Nta but you're right that it manifests differently in women, usually to the point where most can easily still date non-autistic males. If you're high functioning you really don't have to settle for an autistic man. Let's be real..autism in males is a whole other level of problems compared to the average asd woman.

No. 147825

Can a basically sexless relationship be happy? I have a very low libido currently and the thought of having to have sex every week or multiple times a week to satisfy a partner creeps me the fuck out. However my bf of 3 years has close to no libido and it’s a once a month kind of deal, vanilla and honestly pretty boring, and he doesn’t really seem to enjoy it. In the beginning we did it quite often and it was pretty kinky, when the novelty of a new partner wore off I was always the initiator till we got to this point. He doesn’t masturbate and he’s not secretly gay. Honestly I love him a lot and I don’t really miss passionate sex, but still, it’d be nice to do that every once in a while? But I get sick at the thought of breaking up with him, I’d miss him so much.

I previously briefly long distance dated a dude with very high libido and very kinky, it was fun online at first but we met up irl and it turned out he didn’t take no for an answer and didn’t care much if he hurt me. Risking a pornsick cumbrain again absolutely terrifies me but I’m not sure if that’s due to unresolved trauma or a realistic fear.

No. 147826


Your situation actually sounds like the dream to me, anon. I after a few long term relationships where my libido simmered down every time, my ideal future LTR partner would be someone who doesn’t want to fuck more than like once a month, and isn’t going to fuck around with other people to get any more than that. Maybe I’m asexual idk.

No. 147828

I can't give you advice but I'm asexual and can't feel aroused enough to ever have sex. How do you find a low libido man who isn't completely depressed and boring? I wish I had that.

No. 147873

He’s got ADHD, I think that’s part of the reason. Unrelated to the sex thing (he wasn’t depressed) but I made him go to therapy for his mommy issues/childhood traumas and he went willingly and came out genuinely better. I’d never date a dude again that refuses therapy.

No. 147882

File: 1597663343096.jpg (93.13 KB, 640x426, saving money.jpg)

My boyfriend and I are about to move. We're not poor but we don't have a super high income either. I want to save money and he wants to take out a 1500€ loan on his credit card for the move. I'm generally not into loaning money or paying stuff off, either you can save up for it or you obviously cannot afford it and then you just end up paying more because of interest. How do you guys suggest we talk about this and maybe compromise? I would be fine with him taking out a small loan if we need it last minute but as he just paid off his credit card debt I don't really want him to go down that road again. It seems so unnecessary to me. Any advice?

No. 147893

I think if it's more useful to you to move right away then take a loan and move, and if you can deal with not moving for a while then save up money. When taking a loan you can think of the extra interest you will pay off later as the price for getting that money right away, so consider if that benefit is worth the price

No. 147976

File: 1597716538637.gif (497.93 KB, 500x283, 1400291178737.gif)

Late, but I tried with a four-year relationship that was on its last leg after my ex broke the engagement. We lived with each other for two months before he went into a deep depression because he didn't want to fuck one woman forever. I was desperate to hold onto him so I convinced him to give it a try.

Imo couples therapy helps to open communication, not fix it. If you feel even a little bit that you aren't right for each other, I'd save your money. At our second session, the therapist made us think of a list of our individual values and wrote it on the chalkboard. They were very different and most clashed with each other. I remember right after we left, I just started crying in the elevator and my ex silently hugged me. We both knew it was dead.

At the time, I blamed the therapist for wedging our differences but honestly it was inevitable.

No. 147990

what dating apps yall use

which one do you like best

No. 147991

Need some advice about how to communicate something that annoys me without saying it in a rude way… my boyfriend has a habit of constantly talking about stories from high school or earlier in his life and it's starting to really annoy me (as awful as that sounds). From what I've gathered, he peaked in high school and I can't count the number of times he's told me the same stories about how the senior girls loved him and babied him when he was a freshman, stories about how someone wronged him in high school, stories about things he used to do with his friends in high school… it feels like we could be talking about any subject and somehow he will find a way to relate it back to something that happened in high school. We're talking about a crime that happened in the area? Well, he knew three people in high school who ended up committing a crime and will describe their entire backstories to me. We're talking about kayaking? Oh, well when he was vacationing in Maui with his best friend as a kid, they went kayaking and they did this and they did that. It ends up shutting down the conversation because no matter what we're talking about, it turns into storytime about earlier in his life that I've already heard before, so I sit there silently and no longer want to talk about what the original topic was. I'm aware that he had some hardships as a kid so he is probably latched on to the years of his life that did feel safe and happy, which is why he keeps talking about them.

I'm aware that I sound bitchy because its good that he wants to share his experiences and life with me, but it becomes frustrating when he rarely asks me about MY life growing up. When I am talking about my own life or something bad that happened to me as a kid, he follows up by telling me about how much fun he had doing something similar as a kid. If I tell him about how my parents strongly controlled my food intake growing up and it led to me having problems as an adult, he'll respond by saying that his parents let him eat whatever he wanted growing up and he never had any rules. When this happens, how do I respectfully redirect the conversation without saying something like "I know, you've told me this story before, your growing years were so amazing, I don't want to hear it again." Or how do I bring this annoyance/concern up in a constructive way? I don't want to hurt him.

No. 148017

I don't know if this is the best advice, but my boyfriend is similar and he never asked me about myself. After a year together I finally asked him while we were stoned (so in a good mood), Why don't you ever ask me about my life? He said he didn't realize he was doing it. I told him it seems like I always asked him about his life but then I'd just have to add shit about myself because he never seemed to really care. I told him it made me feel unloved. He kind of denied it and then I confronted him with the question, okay, so what do you know about my childhood or school years? He could barely think of anything. After that he started asking me about my past and actually paying attention. I felt like an asshole at the time but I think it was for the best to bring it up. I think men are very self centered and clueless about other people's feelings and they don't realize it until it's pointed out. Also those boring stories about his past are less boring now that I actually get to contribute my boring stories as well. I guess there's always the chance that if you bring it up with your bf he will man baby himself into a pout but if he's worth keeping he will listen to your concerns. At the least you could ask him why he doesn't seem interested in the things you say or why he seems to always turn it back into something about himself. I think he probably doesn't even know he's doing it or how obnoxious it is.

No. 148142

Q: Is it a yellow flag if a new bf invites you to do a vacation you've wanted for your birthday and then says that you'll have to pay for some of it?

Backstory: Met this older guy off OLD, so far he's been respectful and had paid for my dates and surprises me with thoughtful gifts. Genuinely seems interested in getting to know me and texts and talks every day to me. He seems to want the same relationships goals as I do. However I'm not altogether impressed by his job prospect, I think he's stuck to a job that's comfortable but is hesitant to push himself harder to make more money.
Anyways, he knew that I love the beach because I had talked about it, and proposed a weekend getaway on the coast for my birthday which is coming up. I was really excited, he picked out a few places through his own ambition and ran them by me, however he did tell me I would have to pay for a little bit because it would've been tough on him to budget for everything. And obviously, that's due to the fact that he gets paid the same amount that I do and ergo doesn't make a hell of a lot to cover a full trip alone. He's covering the extra deposit on the place, and I'm assuming he's calculating for taking me out on dates and other things which require money while we're there, plus the gas to travel.
So maybe it's not entirely unreasonable? I don't think I'm being greedy, but I'm just so fearful of men taking financial advantage of me like others have done in the past.
I'm preferring to reframe this in my mind as this: What if I attempted to make this trip alone for myself? Technically I'd be paying more cause I'd have to pay entirely for myself, food, and gas. So it's still possible to have a good time in this man's company for cheaper than I would if I were to take this as a red flag and go myself.

What does lolcow think? Is this reasonable?

No. 148143

Sounds completely reasonable to me. Seems like he's already spent a decent amount of money on you. It sounds to me like you just don't actually want to go on a holiday with him in particular.

No. 148144

I don't think it's that, like I said men asking me for money just makes me nervous because of past trauma. If it's reasonable that's okay, I just needed the outside perspective to be sure.

No. 148147

Girl, dump him. He is a pornsick coomer. There is no way you can change him, unless he accepts he has a porn addiction. ( Idgaf what y'all think, consuming content like this for masturbating material is on the same level as consuming porn ) And even if you address to him it is a problem, he will either deny or be more secretive about this. Thread with caution and if you are not too emotionally invested please leave. There are men who aren't pornsick coomers.

No. 148159

For some context
>Me and my boyfriend were both dealing with our own mental problems (his depression, mine social anxiety) and decided to take a break until we decided to get together again

How do we make things work? I don't want to go on a break but I know he needs it. He told me if I can improve my anxiety there's a good chance we can be together again but he keeps becoming suicidal and telling me he wants to cut off everyone (me and all of his friends)

No. 148164

Sounded like he was just asking you to use some of your own money on the trip/yourself and not asking for himself to use them directly so his motives seem pretty clear cut.

No. 148178

Girl leave. He has a gf who has no problem with him watching porn (I'm cool with that too but on here you see just how rare that is) and he still isn't happy with that? He's been taking you for a fool for 2 years and counting. I wouldn't stick around and wait for him to cheat. Because he will, and many would already consider him to be a cheat for what he's doing now.

No. 148183

I get where you are coming from. I had an ex who in the beginning was generous with paying for things. Then after a while I noticed a pattern of him planning a date to treat me..then springing me with some of the cost once we are already there. It rubbed me the wrong way that he was the one planning it, calling it treating me and then basically instructing me to get my wallet out for certain parts of the 'treat' It came off as controlling behaviour under the guise of being generous. It all depends on whether you've been asked and informed in advance. If he already booked something and then landed you with part of the bill after already booking.. that's a flag. If he asks you from the start that seems fine.

I don't know what OLD is but if he's an older guy and he's dating a younger out of his league woman then vain as this sounds.. it would be more typical for an older guy to just pay and know that he's being reimbursed by having someone so out of his league entertain him.. maybe you guys are dating seriously though, I dunno.

No. 148188

Thanks for your reply! I'm sorry about your former relationship, anon.
I will probably look into doing relationship counceling once we have enough money saved up. I've had some thoughts that we don't fit but I'm also very willing to make it work and my bf is as well, so it would be a shame not to at least try it.

No. 148208

Oh yeah I didn't mean to imply that I thought he was just taking my money for the hell of it. He's been transparent insofar as asking upfront and showing me the invoice.

I should have worded my concern like this anon here >>148183, my actual concern is what this may snowball into down the line. It was just weird to me for him to offer to take me somewhere as a treat but then say that I'd have to pay for part of it. He's doing it enough in advance, but I just thought older men from OLD(on line dating) might be more financially secure to not need to ask. I was just making sure that sounded normal but evidently it's common. And like I said, I'm sure he's probably calculating his cost for gas and food while we're there so it's not like he's cheating me in some way. I'm just so, so cautious due to how my last ex was towards me regarding travel–I busted my butt to take us both to Japan through my job but during the trip he was a pennypincher and didn't even appreciate that I was the one who got us to Japan. He treated me like shit but then had the audacity to act like he made a meaningfully contribution to it despite the fact that I did all the heavy financial planning and mental/literal labor for it.

No. 148209

No contact during the break, not even a text, especially if he gets “suicidal” and he knows he can reach out to you to be his therapist. Also, prepare for the break to be final and to end your relationship for good once it’s over. It’s either the end, or the start of really changing stuff which requires a lot of work. Just prepare for the worst.

No. 148211

okay so what happens if you've been dating a borderline emotionally abusive asshole who shattered your self confidence but also he's the only person to make you feel understood and happy and not lost and when you don't have talking to him to look forward to you literally feel suicidal?

I know it's pathetic, I tried dating other men and they suck and bore me and I start hating them for not being him

I tried being happy with being myself and then I tell myself I'm finally over him and I can reach out to him and we can just be friends now which will be good for me because I'm so lonely and then I fool myself back into heartbreak

No. 148212

Have you asked yourself why you think those men are boring?
I put it to you, anon, that the main reason why you think your abusive ex was better was because he kept you on an emotional roller coaster where the lows were so fucking bad that the momentary hills of happiness seemed better than they actually were by comparison. It's a mind trick and gaslighting. You may be over him, but it sounds like you still crave the 'excitement' of a toxic relationship that you were conditioned to crave.
What if we told you that having stabilized feelings and a sense of consistency–albeit boring–is actually normal? Sis other people will understand you and treat you better out there.

No. 148237

Tbh, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, but I find "breaks" rarely go well, particularly when you don't have an established timeline or agreement for how you guys are going to go about things to make the relationship better. And especially when he is tasking you with needing to undergo some very serious change - if you have legit anxiety that's something that's going to take months of therapy to genuinely work through, same for him working through his depression. If you are seriously determined to make this work then I think you guys need to very specifically address what the issues are in the relationship and exactly what you're going to be doing to work through it and determine some sort of check in point like a month down the line so you guys aren't in limbo forever. And like >>148209 said, no contact during the break and keep your expectations low for getting back together.

No. 148239

Girl stop being goofy. I mean that in the nicest and most empathetic way possible because I've been there, done that. Cut him out of your life and move on, it's the only way. I know it's easier said than done, especially when he feels like he's your life right now and the only person that can make you feel good, but you are worth so much more than a guy who would destroy you like that. I promise you, one day you will look back and think wtf was I doing sacrificing so much of myself for a guy who would treat me like that? Turn to friends, cultivate yourself, your life, your hobbies, make plans to look forward to, get into therapy if you need to. This dude is nothing.

No. 148241

Man it's like looking in a mirror. I've been here too, seems a common thing. Guess what, you're codependent. Get therapy for that or read some books on it. It's not normal for another person to be the entire crux of your happiness and self worth. I get it, believe me, your self esteem is tied to that idiot's whims which is why you're so fragile right now. That's why you have to work on overcoming the things he told you and find your own sense of peace.

Definitely cut all contact with him. He will only drag you down and distract you from rebuilding your confidence, even as a "friend." Maybe take a break from dating in general. You don't seem to be in the right place for a relationship right now.

No. 148242

anon are you me?
seriously though, the advice people have given you is excellent. me and my ex broke up over a year ago and i still have problems with this because i ignored it for so long. i mean, i'm over him, but i'm still subconsciously fucked up because of things he did. i'm not trying to scare you though, i just don't want you making the mistakes i did post breakup.
it's good that you're recognizing he was abusive. now cut him off. he doesn't deserve your friendship or an explanation. and please go to therapy if you aren't already. it doesn't work for everyone but it was so helpful for me. and i only even went in because he made me think i was a bpdfag lol. i still have my doubts but i might've never even recognized that what happened was wrong if it wasn't for therapy. and it might be eye opening for you in similar ways.
stop dating and looking for someone to replace him. they're all gonna be boring because they aren't gonna be him. focus on yourself, focus on female friendships. you got this and i wish you the best.

No. 148245

>stop dating and looking for someone to replace him. they're all gonna be boring because they aren't gonna be him. focus on yourself, focus on female friendships. you got this and i wish you the best.
NTA but what if I have the same issue cause I am looking for a female friend and not only I have no idea how/where to look, the few potential friends were boring AF to me cause they were nothing like my past ~soulmate~ bestfriend? It kills me that I lost her and I am so alone. I don't want to meet her clone, just someone else who would get me.
Sage for slight offtopic

No. 148247

i'm sorry to hear that. i know its easier said than done but focus on the fact that people come and go for a reason. be thankful for the good times and memories you had but realize that your current loneliness is romanticizing those memories, which makes it hard to cultivate new ones. there are so many people you haven't met yet who will love you and vice versa. it might take a while for you to meet them (especially now that meeting new people is damn near impossible) but they're out there. i know it's difficult to talk to people who you don't feel a connection with but keep trying. you never know when one will stick or introduce you to that new best friend. besides, it sucks not having a best friend, but having no friends is even worse.

No. 148248

Thank you so much for your kind words.
It's been 3 years since my friend ended our friendship and I am still all alone while she moved on immediately to a new bestfriend that fit her better in that moment. It still hurts bad. I am socially retarded and have no idea how to make friends, even on the internet. I am in therapy but it's not helping yet. I just want an intimate friendship with another weirdo woman again…

No. 148250


let’s chat on discord, see if we can’t be friends? I’m the anon that asked about the asshole ex

No. 148252

Making friends is a lot like dating, really. Not everyone is going to be a great match for you even if they're perfectly good people in general. Keep making the effort. Heck, we have a friend finder thread here and there are a lot of interesting folks in it. The next good friend you make will likely be different than your prior one but in a good way, because she won't betray your trust like that.

No. 148253

it's no problem. i'm sorry she did that. i think people forget how difficult friend breakups are, especially for people who are picky with friends and/or bad at making them. it's difficult to find friends who are weird in a good way and 'normal' people are hard to relate to. i know internet friends aren't the same but maybe try posting in the friend finder thread? i haven't tried yet because i'm also bad with internet friends but its worth a shot.

No. 148346

Thank you so much, anons. I will post in the friend finder thread tomorrow or so! I need to make a discord, never used it TBH

No. 148478

I’m bisexual and I miss being with girls. I told my boyfriend this and he encouraged me to go on tinder and find a girl and have sex with her or do whatever. He wouldn’t be involved with it in any way, so it’s not one of those couple looking for a threesome or a “third” situations. I really want to do this, to be able to have something with a girl on my own while also being with my boyfriend but I feel… guilty? He says he’s totally fine with it and it doesn’t bother him but is it really okay? I’m scared to go through with it.

No. 148482

It sounds like it's only okay to him because he thinks sapphic relationships aren't real compared to hetero ones. That being said if he consents then it's okay as far as the boundaries go.

No. 148493

I'd also be cautious of that coming back to bite you in the ass anon. If you've been given freedom to sleep/see other girls, what's to stop him from turning around one day and demanding the same?

No. 148499

Then she tells him he can fuck guys and all is fair

No. 148501

ib4 he will use that as an excuse to cheat on you…be careful. I think you need to talk A LOT about it to make surethings will actually be right.

No. 148555

It’s been bothering me and I don’t think I can go through with it. He can say all he wants about how it won’t bother him and it’s okay now but I can just see it turning badly and making him feel some type of way if/when it happens. I potentially see problems in the relationship arising from it. Not saying it’s a for sure thing but I have a feeling it could happen. Nothing good really comes of not being monogamous in relationships anyway, at least not from what I’ve seen. Prove me wrong if you think otherwise.

No. 148584

File: 1598163473821.jpg (37.88 KB, 550x543, flat,800x800,075,f.u3.jpg)

I can't tell if this advice is terrible or amazing

No. 148838

So I went over to my bfs house to meet his mum and siblings for the first time. I went over and thought it would be for like 10 15 minutes max just say hello introduce myself and then we would go up to his room. Fucking nope. I was in the living room with his mum, brother, sister, grandparents and his brother’s girlfriend, so 6 strangers and my bf. They were so fucking loud and there was about 5 conversations happening and not one of them I could add anything to so I say there like a fucking idiot in his living room for 2 and a half hours. He kept being really affectionate which was weird when it was infront of his family, I kept pushing him off. Eventually I left, just upped and left and I went outside, I had an absolute panic attack and he followed me outside which was nice but like please give me a minute damn. He took me home and we left on a really good note, he said he loved me but like I keep questioning why. I felt like I came across as really rude and I made a shitty first impression. I want to fucking die because I really like him but his family were full on.

No. 148844

Not gonna lie anon you went a bit autistic there, especially with the up and leaving part. You could have whispered something to your boyfriend before leaving.

Some people are loud and some people are bad at including new strangers into a group (that goes for friends too who will start discussing other friends and inside jokes with no regards to people left out).

Next time pick one conversation, the one your bf is into for example, and insert yourself by asking basic questions like “Who’s that? / She did what? / Oh she went to this school?”, most likely they’ll fill you in.
If you want to fix your first impression, go back next time with some sweets or something you baked, it always goes well.

No. 148846

I get this every time I meet a new family (minus the walking out part) I grew up with a dad where everyone pretty much knows he's an undiagnosed autist so our house was unusually quiet at all times, it's shock to the system when I visit with larger/louder families. Similarly I find it hard to integrate into conversation in those situations but make an effort and they'll see that you're trying.

No. 148848

I appreciate your honesty, I think I said I need to leave, I’ll be 2 minutes and then I walked out. I don’t know if he heard me tho. I feel so fucking embarrassed and before I left I went back in and said goodbye to everyone. It was far far far too much for a first meeting. I don’t want to meet his whole family the first time I’m round at his house. They were like play fighting and calling each other names in jest and it made me uncomfortable because I don’t think you should do that with a guest in. I dunno if I should keep seeing him, I don’t know if I can show my face around him again. It was for hours I was just sitting there and I didn’t want to be super forward because I didn’t know them and I find that rude. Idk anon I’m stressing out, I’ve been messaging him all day and he’s been responding as usual so that’s good I just don’t know what he sees in me.
I’ve had really bad experiences with guys.

No. 148849

Thanks anon, it was just so uncomfortable. I’m there to see him and spend time with him not his whole family, it was just super cringe worthy.
My bf is super energetic as well so that didn’t help, I’m an extrovert but that was just far too much for me. I hope he doesn’t dump me because I’m scared he’ll just get bored of me or that’ll be the final straw. I’m glad you understand

No. 148853

Try to see it in a positive light: they were comfortable enough around you to be just like how they always are. This is so much better than an uptight family where you feel like you're walking on eggshells for approval! You say you feel embarrassed but they sound like easy-going people, just try to talk to them and maybe get to know them a little bit better next time. You're really stressing out about nothing.

No. 148855

You’re right, thank you! That makes me feel a bit better, I’ve never felt so anxious my whole life. I just think I came off as a rude bitch. I was just so overwhelmed and I should have spoke to him about it at the time. I really really like him, but I always get too attached to quickly and that’s something I really need to work on because I get so emotionally distressed when I fuck up like this. Thanks again for the advice and support!

No. 148875

File: 1598381570824.jpg (846.5 KB, 4096x3629, 20200722_124045.jpg)

This might sound bad but I have a boyfriend who I love a ton and I would never let him go. Lately I found myself having crushes on fictional characters and being attracted to "weirder" hentai pictures I see (like fangs, blood etc). I've never really been a sexual person or someone who's liked these sort of things ever. I recently starting having a crush on a guy in some random discord server I'm in and of course I won't act on it but I get the "butterflies" from it quite a bit. I don't talk to the guy but it's more of the thought of him. I've been with my boyfriend maybe 6 years now and he's my first kiss sex everything. I keep having my mind drift to "what if I was single, could party, could talk and do things with others." I feel incredibly guilty and I'd feel so jealous if my boyfriend felt this way of course. What do I do? I feel the guilt but I feel like I need to ease this feeling somehow.

No. 148877

File: 1598383030765.jpeg (329.88 KB, 1242x813, B5295EB2-1785-44EF-9B24-E5F183…)

on and off bf of 2 years. i am in gut wrenching pain.

we just spent a blissful week together, he held me, kept telling me he loves me, needs me and that i’m cute. i have no idea what’s going on. i’m not fat, i’m about 130lbs. and i was heavier when we first met 2 years ago.

i don’t recognise him

what the fuck do i do. i want to save our relationship. what the hell is this. what the fuck is going on

i’m not going to break up with him. how do i fix this, what on earth does he even mean

No. 148878

I have no tips for you other than you deserve better than this and you could find someone better. Probably because he knows you won’t leave him he can treat you like shit and he has all the power. Honestly you can do better than this please please just leave. It’s disgusting how he’s talking to you.

No. 148879

>on and off
First of all, yikes, second of all, yikes and ditch this dude? He came around for some weekend poontang and now you are ride or die? Please order a new spine from aliexpress, some self esteem from amazon, some common sense from w a l m a r t and go on to live your best life without this loser.

No. 148880

i just really adore him and we have a long mostly good, at times euphoric history together. we broke up for a few months and i couldn’t take it, i tried to kill myself. i can’t live without him. all my friends disapprove and say he’s bad for me, but there’s no one else out there for me. he is my world.

trust me i find it disgusting how he’s talking to me too. but i don’t want to die alone or be without him ever again.

i don’t know what to do, i feel so trapped. i’m so attached. i could never leave.

No. 148882

Jesus Christ enjoy your trash boyfriend… girl you need to love yourself

No. 148883

sis go to therapy

No. 148885

euphoric times with someone who thinks you’re an ugly fatty? everyone is telling you to leave him for a reason, because he clearly doesn’t like you.

No. 148886

Girl, you gotta know when to quit. From the sounds of it, it seems like he only uses you at his convenience and mentally checked out a long time ago. Whatever admiration you have for him is likely unrequited. You need to look into moving on, because a relationship should involve love from all parties, not just dependency from one. I hope you're able to heal from this. You're worth more than his bullshit.

No. 148887

my god this reads like a shitty popsong lyrics

No. 148892


who tf else is ever gonna love me? he does love me, he's just challenging

No. 148896

>calls you a fatty
>calls you ugly
>cuddly when he gets sex

Yeah sounds like a solid, loving guy.. please cut him loose, anon…

No. 148897

Both the idea of breaking up with my so of a year and being alone make me physically sick. Is it worth trying to work out the relationship or go forth through the heartbreak? I haven't been able to eat an actual meal for nearly a week. I'm feeling sad at work, too. I know it's usually best to break up but I feel like that, right now, during quarantine, might actually make me suicidal.

(clarification that I'm not 130lb-chan, there's nothing abusive about our relationship, I've just got the sense that even though there's a lot of love and affection it's going nowhere in the long term and I need to leave)

No. 148898

Samefag, learn to love yourself because you're the only person you can really trust. Go to therapy if you need to.

No. 148900

You answered your own advice. It’s pretty obvious you need to leave. I have. A husband and he has never ever spoken to me like that, however I have had shitty exes that have!!

No. 148901

Challenging is being stubborn about leaving clothes on the floor. What he's doing is trying to kill your character. Not to armchair but this is like textbook manipulation. You said it yourself, you weigh less than when you met each other, so why all of a sudden does he have a change in heart concerning how much he thinks you should weigh? If he feels comfortable admitting "you will never have him secured" then he's actively showing he doesn't care about you. It's cliche to say, but there's billions of people on this planet and it's possible the man you're looking for isn't right in your backyard. I'm sorry he's convinced you otherwise. Don't give in to his ultimatum, anon.

No. 148902

He's really getting off on your pain

No. 148903

Leave this scumbag please

No. 148904

you think he has a sadistic streak? i think he just wants me to behave consistently and wants me to improve. im almost certain he did not treat his ex like this, at all, as they are still close.>>148903

No. 148905

He won't change, he now knows just how much pain he puts you through when he threatens to leave… so look what he does, he enjoys making you squirm by threatening you after love bombing the fuck out of you right beforehand…

Every woman on earth is above this man and deserving of better. Don't let him warp your perceptions so badly that we all see him as a clear shitstain and you defend his abuse. He is your abuser.

No. 148906

Do you really not see the emotional sadism there?? You tried to kill yourself over him leaving and he's dangling that same pain over you again like it's a game.

No. 148907

I believe that he genuinely wants to date me and loves me, but I don't understand why he has to be so harsh. He has told me that he just wants to help me get better as a person, and that this is a means to improving myself.

No. 148908

Yet you come on here for advice and when everyone is telling you he is trash you still try to delude yourself that he wants the best for you… by calling you fat and knowing how clingy and desperate you are you won’t be going anywhere.

No. 148909

He is not bashing an already slim woman about her weight and threatening 'ooh I can leave you aaanytiime honey' to fucking improve you! It is purely to mess with your head, cause you distress and give him control over you. He doesn't give a fuck about you, look up lovebombing and hoovering if you want to know why you also have 'such good times' Wake up

No. 148910

Would you say something like that to someone you love?

What advice would you give a friend if their bf said something like that to them?

He is the problem. There is no fix. Sometimes it's better to be alone. This is that time. No one here is going to tell you otherwise.

No. 148912

>I believe that he genuinely wants to date me and loves me
Anon even if that were the case, it doesn't excuse his horrible treatment of you. Loving a person doesn't justify abuse, period. You are in a textbook abusive relationship. The fact that you don't see this and insist instead that you "need to fix this" is all the proof any of us need.

I don't even think you truly love this guy. You mention that you feel "euphoric" around him, that you almost killed yourself when you were broken up with him. That's not love, that's obsession. That's a sick, unhealthy sort of longing. These feelings are usually likely triggered by some sort of abandonment trauma that you haven't healed from.

The text you posted here >>148877
is horrific. This is outright sadism and a blatant attempt to control you. I actually dated someone very similar to this for about a year. I did everything in my power to "fix things," to be the girl he wanted me to be. I bent over backwards to accommodate his needs. He ended up raping me, twice. He tried to black mail me by posting a public blog full of nude photos of me.

Your bf will not change. You need to leave him. It's not going to be easy at first, but you will survive. I did, and things are going much better for me now. I'm actually in a healthy relationship with someone who I trust isn't going to leave me.

Please seek therapy, preferably from a therapist who is trauma-informed. I promise there is a reason that you were attracted to this guy in the first place, and therapy allows you a safe place to explore and process those feelings/experiences.

No. 148913

> Would you say something like that to someone you love?
Another good test is would he be happy if she reversed things and sent him random threats to leave if he isn't up to scratch in various ways.

> Boy you are getting too comfortable lately!

> Time for you to tone up
> I can just leave you like it's nothing
> If I don't chatise you you'll only end up fat and stupid
> I'm degrading you for your own good
I'm sure his response would be something… but I still wouldn't risk it because tbh he sounds likely to delve into physical abuse down the line.

No. 148914

Anon, stop with the mental gymnastics. If you prefer staying with an abusive piece of shit who doesn't give a single fuck about your feelings, than being alone, just admit that. Don't keep making ridiculous excuses and pretending there's any logic behind your choice to stay with someone who is actively attempting to make you miserable and insecure.

No. 148915

He wants to "improve" you exclusively on his terms. I'll hedge a bet the reason he's still close with his ex is because he's treated her like shit in a similar fashion to how he's dogging you.
If y'all have been on and off for 2 years, something's seriously wrong at the core of this relationship, and newsflash, it isn't you. He gave you an out at the end of his text because 1. he knows where you are mentally since he put you there and 2. he knows you won't leave. If you've already acknowledged he's being a dick about addressing things, then you already have one foot out of the door, despite telling yourself this relationship is still salvageable.

No. 148916

>You are in a textbook abusive relationship
I read the text she posted and then I read that they're together 2 years and I convinced myself that my ex sent that message. Then I realised that they all sound the same. They all say the exact same bullshit! That's how textbook it is.

It is absolutely abuse.

No. 148924


thank you so much for your time, anons.

i’m in na very bad place and have been for a long time. i’m very very hurt by this message and i will be for some time. it scares me.

i’m not defending the relationship at this point. i know things aren’t right, but he’s all i have. i’m so scared of reliving the misery of being broken up again, i don’t know how to overcome it.

i will definitely seek therapy, hopefully o can get it on the NHS.

thank you so much for listening and not accusing me of being a troll, because this is 100% a genuine situation and i’m 100% suffering.

i can’t talk to any of my friends about this because they’re already mad i even got back together with him, i can’t ask any more of them.

thank you guys for listening to me, i’m overwhelmed by the response

No. 148927

Just as I was about to call it a scrote post…

He said you'll never have him secured. Maybe he means it, maybe not. But security is the very main thing that keeps a romantic relationship healthy. You shouldn't be insecure with who you're dating ever. And he's creating that by acually telling you that directly. Believe me when I say he's trying to break your self esteem.

As for him being all you have…you have your friends who seem to go to bat for you, and you have YOURSELF, bitch get some fucking self esteem! No man is worth debasing yourself over. Are you BPD? No offence but the suicide attempt after the breakup indicates that. BTW any decent human would tread VERY carefully if their partner had a history of that and here he is, so cocksure "hurr don't ever feel secure that you have me". Man, fuck him.

You will 100% be better off without him. NHS take fucking ages, for a suicidal ex it took 3 months for an appointment. Maybe try online help services? Like talkspace. As someone who can have obsessive tendencies the best case scenario is you take control of the narrative and just stop talking to him and enjoy all your old pursuits and realise you're a fully fleshed human deserving of respect and all that.

No. 148928

I think another anon mentioned this but if you look into 'attachment theory' you might find out that you are particularly vulnerable to being sucked in by that specific type of abuser. I have been there and learning about attachments styles helped me to see what was happening

No. 148944

>but he’s all i have
I don't understand why you keep saying this. You mentioned having friends. Are they not supportive, even if they're upset with you right now? Have they been there for you in the past? I have hard time believing you truly have nobody other than your bf.

I think you'd have a much easier time letting this guy go if you had some kind of support network to fall back on. If your friends aren't enough, then a therapist/therapy group may be your best option.

Also, please understand that as horrible as it feels to be broken up with, it will not feel that way forever. I really cannot stress that enough. I used to be EXACTLY like you. I thought I was going to die when my first abusive ex and I broke up. I didn't. Six years later when my second abusive ex and I broke up, it sucked because I wasn't expecting it, but the possibility of dying never even crossed my mind. This type of response is symptomatic of trauma, and they do get easier to manage the more you work on yourself and become mindful of your triggers.

This is good advice too. Attachment theory helped me a lot in understanding why I was drawn to certain relationship dynamics.

No. 148972

Can I post here about friendship problem? I've got a situation with my friend and I don't know how to deal with it.

No. 148973

Can’t imagine it’d bother anyone

No. 148978

I've stopped talking to my friends for over a year now because I was embarrassed by my living situation (dependent on a male). That'll change in about a month where I'll be living with my parents and unemployed, and I can only imagine that I'll be too ashamed to talk to them then. And back in my home country I'll get a job within the month, but even then it'd be in a factory or something and I'll be too ashamed to tell them that.

It's just…I've had and expressed a lot of lofty career dreams and I've graduated and have been unemployed since. And I just dread the conversation where I say "well actually, I haven't found anything". I can't face it, but I also realise I've done so much damage to the friendships already (just giving fb birthday wishes and a promise to catch up). I feel so alone in this.

sage because idk what I'm trying to get across here.

No. 148984

Girl, after reading all this here's my piece of mind:
He's actually the insecure one and is projecting that insecurity onto you. Can it be that he's the one who let go and he's not as attractive as he was at the beginning? Not saying you don't find him attractive, but maybe gained a few pounds/started balding?
Moids always use this strategy on women and they somehow get away with it. The harsher and colder they are, the more we stick with them.
Just break up with him. If he suddenly starts begging you to stay with him, keep your stance. Be standoffish and you'll see him crawling at your feet. Men think they're the only ones who can play power games with us. But no matter what, don't give the dipshit another chance or he'll be back at it again.

No. 148986

I think they'd rather have your company even if you aren't experiencing a lot of success

No. 148988

So I'm in my twenties and my parents are still supporting me financially. I don't work, they pay for everything. My male friend is also in his twenties and he is in the opposite situation. His family is poor and he had to support himself since he went to university. He finished all his courses, but haven't graduate yet, because he still has to write his master's thesis. A year ago he decided to work only part-time (even though he didn't have any classes anymore) to focus on writing his thesis. Since then he was making not much money, barely enough to pay his rent, bills and buy minimal amount of food. A year passed and he didn't write anything, is still working part-time and is always broke. His landlord decided to stop renting out the apartment my friend is living in, so he has to move out. He doesn't have enough money to do it, especially since we live in expensive city and prices of rooms are constantly rising. He has to move out before september starts, so he's getting desperate. He asked me to lend him some money and I don't want to do it. In the past I gave him money many times and he never gave it back, which was understandable for me, since he's always struggling financially. I was expecting him to get a full time job at some point and I believed someday in the future, when he will be in better situation, he will pay me back. The thing is I'm starting to think that day will never come. He's depressed and not willing to take my advice about working, because I don't have to work. He's always telling me that I don't know how hard it is and I never would make it if I was in his situation. I feel extremely shitty about the whole thing. On the one hand, lending money makes me feel resentful and kinda bad, because this is money my parents give for ME to live and not to give out to other people. I really don't want to give it to him. But on the other hand, I also feel shitty, because he needs help and I could help him, if only I would give up on some things that are not necessities, so it makes me feel selfish. If my boyfriend would find out about me giving people money, he would be furious. I don't know what to do. Should I give my friend money or not? I want to buy myself a new bra and be able to eat takeout with my bf. But also I don't want my friend to be homeless. And I'm afraid this won't be the last situation like this, he will never pull himself together and he will never stop asking me for money. Either way this situation will hurt our friendship. For now I took time to find multiple rooms that are cheaper than the ones he found and I hope he will actually take effort to call this places and maybe hopefully find something he can actually afford. I told him I would decide today about the loan, but I still have no idea what to do.
(Yes, I know it's shitty of me to take money from my parents and that I'm very privileged, but it's not an issue I want to discuss right now. Also where I live it's more normal and common than for example in the US.)

No. 148991

I think if i broke up with him it wouldn’t affect him at al and he’d go about his life as usual

No. 148994

First step would be to talk to him about your doubts. Only then you will know if it's something you two can work on or if it simply isn't the right relationship for you. But as long as he isn't abusive and you're not absolutely sure that you really do not love him, I'd say you should talk to him about your thoughts and feelings before just deciding to leave, especially if the thought of losing him pains you this much.
In the end, it depends on what you want. If you simply don't want to be in a relationship, you need to leave. If you want to make it work, you need to communicate and be on the same page about it.

No. 148996

Then why would you ever be with a person like that? It would just mean he never loved you and never gave a shit.
All the more reason to dump him.
Seriously, reading your posts is depressing as hell, I'd rather die alone with ten cats than have what you're having.
Actually the two don't even compare, living alone with cats sounds pleasant and relaxing, your relationship is emotional waterboarding at this point.

No. 148997

So, you'd kill yourself without him but he wouldn't even care if you broke up? How can you be with someone like this? If you believe that he loves you, you are delusional. You need psychiatric care, from the sound of it.

No. 149001

No offence but I can't tell if you're dumb or just in too deep. Have you looked up the attachment theory stuff? If not, you should. He looks anxious avoidant and you seem anxious dependant. How that dynamic works is that the avoidant distances themselves if things are shitty, which then causes the dependant to cling harder because that's what they do under stress.

And since that dynamic has gone on unchecked and he obviously loves having this power over you, it's now at the stage where you'd kill yourself (I hope not) if he left and he feels safe to tell you he could leave at any time. It's fucked. He doesn't mean well.

At least PLEASE talk to your friends and show them the text. I understand you don't want to be pressured into breaking up, but I think that's because subconsciously you know that's what you need to do to preserve yourself, and you don't want to hear that truth. You're isolating yourself so the only irl perspective is your toxic bfs.

Tell him you think it's disrepectful for you to give away money your parents gave to you. It ought to be that simple. Let him know you'll support him in other ways like finding a place, but it goes against your morals that you'd give money intended for you from other people. It doesn't make you a bad friend and don't let him make you think it does. Also suggest he get mental help, because at this point it seems like his depression is affecting his life considerably.

No. 149027


i’m not dumb i’m doing a masters degree i’m just very very in love with this person and i got a low, painful and bitter taste of what it was like without him and i know i can’t go back to that, ever.

also i’m a little afraid of what he might do if i broke up with him, the only thing i could do is get my mum to text him and say i went missing or something otherwise he would probably get angry and start revenge posting on facebook again.

as well being crazy in love with him, i’m a little afraid. i think he’s capable of a lot.

No. 149028

also, he’s currently ghosting me which he doesn’t normally do and it’s making em extremely anxious which probably aligns with the avoidant anxious and dependent anxious mentioned here

No. 149030

While other people are being relatively nice to you, I think you're being absolutely pathetic.
>we spent a blissful weekend together, I have no idea what's going on
As others have mentioned, this is textbook lovebombing and a hallmark of an abusive man.
>i'm not fat
Surely it must piss you off to know there are obese women in the world that can pull guys who treat them with more dignity and respect than your man does.
Dick is abundant and there's a man for every body type out there these days, no excuse.
>what the fuck do i do
Dump him. He told you he won't commit to you anyway. Turn tables.
>i want to save our relationship
You can't, he told you as much.
Wouldn't surprise me if he's cheating on you too but doesn't dump you cause you still offer him pussy and attention no matter how bad he is to you.
You've got scarcity mindset and it's harming you, there are better men out there. You're just afraid to throw away your sunk costs and be single, as if being single is the worst fucking thing. Your relationship has zero value, at least if you become single you'd have your dignity back.
>im not going to break up with him
Then stop spamming this thread and wasting everyone's time because you deliberately want to be a stupid twat. What more is there to do? Pandering and pleading to him doesn't work. Enjoy your cycle of abuse.
>b-but he might revenge post me on social media
Then block him and unplug your computer while you get your shit back together. Anyone who'd clap for his bullshit isn't a good person either so it doesn't matter.
>but im in love with him
Well he don't love you sis. Don't go chasing waterfalls. You'll get over him.


No. 149034

Tell him you just fell entirely out of love with him and then go no-contact. End of. At this point every second you spend trying to dissect this turds actions is just more of your time wasted.

No. 149036

implying he won’t go absolutely apeshit and try to ruin my friendships if i do this

No. 149040

This has to be fake one min you’re saying ‘he will just go round his usual life’ if you break up with him and now you’re saying he will ‘ruin’ your friendships. You already mentioned your friends are pissed that you got back together with him so they would know he’s already a toxic fucker and would still support you.

And if it isn’t fake sounds like you both deserve each other as you’re both toxic so just stay with him and waste your youth lol

No. 149043

Sounds like someone's bored larp, honestly.

No. 149044

So what? Some women end up homeless or in shelters when they leave an abuser. Who even gives a fuck about FB posts and shit-talking??

No. 149045

OK, so it feels like you're idk, moving the goalposts? So you fully concede now that he doesn't want the best for you, and that he's not abusive? Like you recognise he's abusive towards you?

>i’m just very very in love with this person

Are you sure you'd define it as that? And not dependence? Consider it. I mean you think you need him. That doesn't mean you're in love. Some people are mistaken that love is something you "fight" for, that it's something you earn or don't deserve period. But that's damaged thinking, loving SHOULD be easy. If somebody doesn't love you there's nothing you can do about it. I mean NOTHING.

Anyway, why would he be so angry if according to you he'd be indifferent if you split up? Would his actions first breakup (smear campaign) not indicate he actually has very strong (albeit toxic) feelings? Someone who insists "you can lose me anytime bb" would literally not be bothered at a breakup. More evidence he's doing it as a power play. >>149028 ghosting is really typical behavior tbh, I hope you're not messaging him.

Your friends have encouraged your breakup, if you let them know and let them know you need help doing it I'm so sure they will.

How long was the last breakup? Also, how old are you?

kek anon, people are being relatively nice because it's a genuinely distressing situation to see someone in, and it's obvious OP has too much cognitive dissonance to take in harsh truths, so it's being tiptoed around until she hopefully comes through because I think people genuinely want to see her situation change for the better

No. 149046

Right? I had to move back home with my toxic mother and then live out my car during a hot summer when I left that environment. All because I broke up with my manchild ex.

OP is scared to lose fake friends. Lmao.

No. 149047

>one min you’re saying ‘he will just go round his usual life’ if you break up with him and now you’re saying he will ‘ruin’ your friendships
This stood out to me too, I have spent plenty of time here talking to different women stuck living with abusive partners or with shared kids where getting away is fucking hard.. this is too much though. There's no living together, no lease, no mortgage, no kid, no ring, no pets. Most that spam here for two straight days are at least worried sick about homelessness or about him killing their shared pets in a rage.. this is stupid if it's real.

No. 149048

I came very close to experiencing homelessness (for a second time) after getting away from mine. Spent some time in a DV sheleter and then lucked out when it came it housing.. but had to move across the country to both afford housing and feel safely distanced from him. Worth it though!

No. 149050

How do you deal with your bf losing hair? My bf is the small prettyboy type, and his hairloss is making him completely unattractive to me. I am kind of disgusted… But I obviously don't want to break up with completely fine bf over something so shallow.

No. 149051

he wouldn’t care but he would still want to get back at me, i’m not moving the goalposts i’m just taking eveyhjjng into account

No. 149052

I thought he ghosted you already?

No. 149053

If your friends know he’s a nutcase, why the hell would they even believe him if he does end up trying to screw up your friendships? He clearly doesn’t love you, get a grip and stop making excuses for him and yourself.

No. 149054

that's my worst nightmare. pretty boys look hideous without hair.

No. 149056

i’m not conceding to anything really, and i’m fully aware that the relationship is bad and needs to end, i just don’t know where to start.

i haven’t been diagnosed with BPD but everyone i know has self diag me with it. i’m 19, we broke up for 3 months and i’ve just graduated from university and have a job, normally i pay for outings due to him being unemployed. he usually uses his entire welfare cheque on the first day on computer stuff/clutter. he actually gets a decent amount and could help pay for our outings if he didn’t get himself into debt for impulse buys

i dunno i just feel so lost, i’m scared t tel my friends about that message because i don’t deserve their patience any longer and i think they’re just fed up. i also initially lied about being with him until some guy i rejected stalked me and snitched to them.

it’s a hard situation.

No. 149057

Could you encourage him to use hairloss products?

No. 149058

My boyfriend’s hairline is creeping back and I feel like he might be bald in a couple years. Try to think of his other attractive traits when you imagine him bald, my boyfriend still looks cute to me when I imagine him bald (although admittedly I prefer him with hair). It helps when you feel like your partner would cut you the same slack with your own ageing woes.

No. 149059

Yeah. He used to be so pretty but now I'm just repulsed. Does anyone have any advice?

No. 149060

he’s being extremely quiet aside from a meme he sent a while ago which is uncharacteristic of him and concerns me

i’m not even claiming to be abused or saying that i’m trying to flee DV, i just want to vent

No. 149061

i’m sorry you went through that. but it’s not a competition anon

No. 149062

So don’t tell your friends and then if he does try to ruin your friendships, show them the text he sent you as proof he’s a jerk (although you say they already know this). People leave their significant others who are like this when they have a lot more to lose, you’ll be able to do it if you really want to.

No. 149063

He doesn't want to talk about it. He still tries to do his hair the way he used to do it, with longer fringe and all, but it's becoming impossible to do. I watched him struggle to style his hair like he used to for like half an hour today, and he just ended up crying afterwards. He is using some expensive hairloss shampoo but it's not working.

My bf is not masculine AT ALL though. He is short, has small face, etc. He wouldn't look good with bald head. And in his case, it's a matter of couple of months, maybe a year, not years.

No. 149064

File: 1598460938916.jpg (26.11 KB, 460x461, aGd1X3K_460s.jpg)

No. 149065

I mean this is day two of posting (many times) about this guy and going backwards since all the advice yesterday.. I feel like any anons popping in with a little perspective are coming from a place of wanting to break down her many shitty excuses to stay. Nobody thinks they're getting a cookie for wasting their energy on this any more

No. 149083

Anons I self harmed and I know I’m an attention seeking dumbass for doing it. If I could just snap away the cuts I would do it. However now I’m faced with what I’ll tell my boyfriend. Do I make up an excuse and lie, or tell the truth? I’m not depressed or suicidal and it won’t happen again but he’ll be worried anyway. I feel like a therapist would tell me that if lying about it bothers me, I should be honest. But I don’t want to be an attention seeking dumbass and I don’t want to worry him so I don’t want to be honest. It’s on my leg so he’s the only one that’ll see. Thoughts?

No. 149084

Samefagging to add that lying would be easy due to placement but I’d be fucking paranoid about being bare legged around him and him secretly figuring it out.

No. 149086

I actually had the same problem last year except I ended up needed stitches so was basically forced to tell my boyfriend. He was freaked out at first and things were definitely tense for a few days but it was okay in the end once I was able to explain why I use self harm and promised not to do it again (which I haven't). So as long as your boyfriend is understanding I think you should just be honest, even tell him what you said here that you don't want to worry him or come off as attention seeking but you didn't want to hide this from him. At most I might say that if the cuts aren't too bad you could get away with just not mentioning it, but I definitely wouldn't outright lie about the cause.

No. 149114

>he usually uses his entire welfare cheque on the first day on computer stuff/clutter. he actually gets a decent amount and could help pay for our outings if he didn’t get himself into debt for impulse buys
This has to be a fucking troll. Literally what redeemable qualities does this guy even have that make you want to be with him? You need to physically write out a list of good vs. bad qualities. Maybe that will help you to finally see what an absolute joke this relationship is.

No. 149119

He needs to use both minoxidil and finasteride. My boyfriend was balding and started using them and his hair is back to normal, but he caught it pretty early on.

No. 149127

>mfw my serious relationship gets mistaken for trolling :(

No. 149145

>serious relationship
You're only 19 and people have told you that you might have BPD. Leave this dude (who seems to have zero redeemable qualities, you can't even say one positive thing about him) and work on your mental health issues.

No. 149155

Is it normal to get those sudden "wake up calls" about your partner, even though nothing is seemingly going wrong? Like I look at him sleeping and I think… well he's actually ugly. Or I have this sudden realization that I know very little of him and I feel distant and confused, or I have this thought like "for real? is it really who I'm with?". It's short-lived and the guy isn't bad by any means, we're few monts together and so far we're really happy and well-matched. I googled it and found articles about "sudden repulsion syndrome". I remember seeing something on Twitter about it and it was a very popular post too, so I guess it's relatable? Have any of you experienced it?

No. 149160

I think I get a mild version of this with my boyfriend. He's a great guy, I'm very attracted to him and after living together for three years we know each other extremely well. But once in a blue moon it's like my brain "resets" for a minute and I'm like "wait a minute, I don't really know this person! What am I doing here?". Nothing at all on his part triggers it, usually we'll just be hanging out watching a movie together and the thought will pop into my head. It's interesting to know that it's a real thing, it had actually concerned me a little! I don't think it's anything to do with him, but more the sudden realisation that I have been taking his inner feelings for granted and that I can't really know how anyone other than myself feels and experiences life, if that makes sense?

No. 149173

File: 1598524076148.gif (499.72 KB, 500x243, ocset.gif)

My boyfriend and I don't have matching needs when it comes to cuddling. He does like to cuddle, but I really need it more than he does or can provide. He cuddles me in bed, but he rarely ever comes up to hug me out of the blue and when I hug him and want to hold him for a while, he gets nervous and starts talking and patting me on the back, which makes me sad every time. I could just hug him and look him in the eyes for a long time, I could scratch his back for 10 minutes straight while he just does it for like 30 seconds, he doesn't seem to have the same need for physical contact. It's not that he doesn't love me, he shows that in other ways like cooking for me, giving me small gifts, helping me with things, being there for me when I need him and supporting me, I just wish he could hold me for a few minutes now and again without getting antsy. It's always something; either he's too hot, he's too hyper, he is stressed out, his back hurts, his stomach aches, etc.
I feel unloved even though I know that's bullshit. It just makes me sad because I could spend so much time just cuddling.
(I will definitely not break up with him over this. I just want some ideas on how I can talk to him about this without him getting defensive, because I know that in his mind, we cuddle a lot.)

No. 149174

Might not be a popular opinion but my advice to anyone aged 19 and diagnosed with BPD or showing lots of traits.. is to just stay single for the next decade. Your teens to late twenties are the real shitshow years if you do in fact have it. Dedicate yourself to therapy and building a fulfilling life for yourself that doesn't depend on having a partner.

No. 149175

It sounds like he's making excuses to reduce physical contact when he should really be fine with just saying "I don't feel like cuddling right now". I think the best thing to do would just be to gently mention that he seems to be uncomfortable with the level of physical contact that you prefer, and try to work together to figure out where it's coming from. Maybe encourage him to be more open about his discomfort rather than trying to fob you off with excuses that are frankly kind of insulting to your intelligence. It shouldn't be weird to discuss your respective needs, you're on the same team after all.

No. 149182

>(I will definitely NOT break up with him over this
Why are so many advice seeking posts throwing this in there?.. I mean I don't predict anyone is going to insist in your particular situation that it's needed anyway but I even see abused anons adding this in. If you are here for advice just listen to what people have to say. People generally don't scream to break up unless there's a good reason anyway.

No. 149186

A lot of people online scream “break up” at the slightest issues, I don’t know how you haven’t noticed this.
He didn’t put his plate in the dishwasher? Girl, dump him, you deserve better!

No. 149189

If you vent about a bfs on ot I know that happens, but in fairness to the women that contribute to this thread.. you generally get well thought out replies on here

No. 149192

I sound like your boyfriend, I can't sit and hold someone/be held for a while, and I definitely do the whole nervous talking thing. It's not that I don't necessarily like that person I just find it hard to switch off, and it sounds like your boyfriend is the same. Talk to him about it, like you said he shows that he cares about you in other ways, he won't be aware of how much it bothers you.

No. 149229

File: 1598549324611.jpeg (66.3 KB, 407x612, 467236D1-EEC6-4BB1-8766-8AD80A…)

Thanks for your reply, anon!
That’s most likely the case. He said that he feels bad about it, that he now “feels like some weird dude who doesn’t want to hug his gf”, but that he just can’t relax when there’s so much on his mind all the time. He definitely is a worrier, so it really seems to have to do with his anxiety. I’ll give him his space and appreciate the cuddles when I get them. I guess his hugs are like some nice expensive truffles and I’m a greedy truffle hog.

No. 149263

I wonder if abused gf anon went quiet because her abuser stopped ghosting her and she doesn't want to face the fact she was seriously doubting her amazing on and off relationship with him.

I may just be an optimist but I think she was almost, almost convinced to leave.

No. 149313

nta but for me it sounds exactly as the weird deflection you described before, along with making you feel bad for even bringing it up. He can't hug you because there's a lot on his mind? That's the weakest excuse and I'm saying this as a master anxieter. Don't settle for that. Expensive truffles my ass… You need some kind of compromise, not "well he's a worrier so I'll just wait 10 more months for mu annual hug~!" (joking but you get it.) If your love language is physical touch and he doesn't give you that, you'll only grow more frustrated. He has to at least try.

No. 149326


It's really not that uncommon and I doubt he'll be too worried about about it, especially if it's something you haven't done for a while and you tell him this. I agree with >>149086's general advice and reasoning (and remember, her boyfriend found out because it was while she was with him and she needed stitches, and the outcome was "tense for a few days"!)

Also, I'd say you're not really under any obligation to mention it; if he sees old scars there and realises what they are it's honestly politest for him not to mention it if you haven't brought it up yourself, and I'd expect either that or a relatively non-probing question. You sound like you're both still pretty young though so I guess there's a chance he won't know how to react; just do your best to be calm yourself and he'll realise it's not something he needs to spaz out over

No. 149329

Honesty is best anon, especially in a relationship. You don't want any secrets or dishonesty between you and your SO, the person you should be able to tell everything, so don't cause it over something you could fairly easily tell him.

No. 149355

I had something like this with my gf half a year ago. It was weirs at the time, but it passed pretty quickly. Now, though, I feel like I'm having a stronger form…I think it's even set off by reading other stories about people's SOs. Also, while I looked long and hard for people I liked spending time with enough to pursue a relationship with, she's the first one with whom that seriously happened, and I keep thinking "what if I'm missing out?"
This is despite everything having been perfect for a while. I talked to my mom a lot and she said she thought it was hormonal at first. I'm also aware that other things and ongoing quarantine might be making me depressed and I'm just putting the blame on my gf since she suddenly doesn't make everything perfect anymore. I think I'm falling out of infatuation, but I still love her, so it's a very weird feeling and I'm not sure what to do.

No. 149441

File: 1598671114942.jpg (Spoiler Image, 32.92 KB, 604x453, UNFF.jpg)

Can farmers guess my bf's age? I'm 28. I'll tell you his real age, I just want to know if he looks age appropriate for me.

No. 149448

why do I feel like this is a self-post

also he looks like 25-30

No. 149449

I'd guess 35.

No. 149450


What an ugly expression. He looks younger, maybe 22. If he stopped making ugly faces and shaved he might look a lot better and more mature

No. 149451

ur bf is attractive

No. 149453

He's got the type of expression that says "I expect a daily blow job and will return the favor once a month at best." Also looks like he would unironically use the term "wanderlust" a lot

No. 149454

No. 149460

No. 149462

He has one of those faces where I'd guess him to be late twenties, maybe early thirties but I wouldn't be completely surprised if you turn around and say he's 20 either.

Agreed, he needs to shave.

No. 149467

I feel like this pic is just proof that age is hard to read, I have no idea

No. 149470

Lmao thanks anons.
He's 43. Just wanted to make sure he looked around my age and not old. People around me act shocked when I tell them he was born in 1977.

I'll tell him to shave.

No. 149471

You're 28 and he's 43?…
I've dated a guy with a twelve year difference and I really wish someone had told me not to. This guy looking your age isn't the important part here, forty-somethings that date twenty-somethings are frowned upon because of the power dynamic that sets in over time. Guys aiming 15 years younger are generally not dating with great intentions, though they'll certainly tell you otherwise!

No. 149472

He looks sleazy

No. 149473

I'm pretty independent financially and I've got my own vehicle. We want a lot of the same things. I'm not worried about being manipulated or anything, not that I think he would. Been pretty respectful so far but that doesn't mean it's been years either.

What happened anon?

No. 149474

How long have you been together?

No. 149476

> What happened anon?
He was charming the whole time that we were dating but living seperately. I stayed over alot and thought I knew him well. I finally moved out of my shared flat and we moved in together. It all went downhill from there, he really was playing the long game in putting on a total act til I had a financial reason to feel tied there. Then the mask slowly slipped and two years later I spent my 30th birthday in a womens shelter recovering from the whole ordeal.

I know I wasn't a baby when all this happened but I still wish I had a more hands-on or involved family to say "hey you really think that's a good idea?" when I disclosed the age difference.

>I'm not worried about being manipulated or anything

Tbh you should keep that in mind, anyone dating a man 15 years older than them needs to keep that in mind. It's naive not to.

No. 149477

fourty-fucking-three? you definitely wouldn't guess that from that picture. I was lowkey thinking you were asking if he looks age appropriate because he's significantly younger than you or something. He has something boyish in his face, I wonder if it's the curls.

No. 149507

Less than a year. We have plans for moving in and marriage in the future.

Thanks anon. Truth be told I've been burned so hard in my past that I've always resolved to keep a secret "Fuck-off Fund" so in case I ever need to leave I have at least a deposit and two-month's rent someplace else. I contacted his ex to ask how their relationship ended, yet they seem to have ended amicably despite being married for 15 years. She didn't have any warnings for me, since he mostly provided for her and not the other way around. I'm glad he's more the providing type, I can't stand co-dependent manchildren. Last time I ended my LDR of 4 years (with a manchild who was my age), I went temp homeless. I just couldn't take the neglect, constant mental loads, and emotional betrayal anymore. Lived out my car and a gym membership where they thankfully had a shower.
I broke off in the heat of the moment so I had no time to save or hunt for a roommate. My only grace was that my neighbors had flooded my apartment around the same time I broke up so most of my shit was already packed in boxes when I wanted to leave.
I don't trust men entirely, I just trust that they're liable to hurt me.

He's pretty slender too, I think he has a young frame in addition to having really nice skin.

No. 149574

Anons, I feel extremely ill. I met this guy online last month and we hadn't met in person yet due to covid. I thought that he was "great." I didn't know his full name until TONIGHT when we were in the middle of watching a film. Of course I google his name and found out that he was arrested last year for raping a preteen (yes it was actually him…they had multiple news articles with photos of him, his correct age, same town he lives in, etc.) I was shaking and said I don't feel good at the end of the film and stopped talking to him. I feel so disgusted and I don't think that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I could use any advice please. This isn't a troll post. I know I have to dump him but I would like some advice as to how not to feel sick to my stomach anymore.

No. 149634

File: 1598841366403.jpg (4.38 KB, 150x128, kirby.jpg)

Uhh, how do I rein in general craziness when I get invested in a relationship?

At the crush stage and in the beginning of a relationship I'm always cool and totally unaffected by the idea that things might not work out, kinda just going with the flow, zero jealousy or insecurities. When things get emotionally serious, however, I just start overthinking everything. Not even about whether things work out, also about all these details in how he feels about me. I worry about whether I am the best partner he has ever had in various different dimensions, is he happier with me than with his first love or whatever, does he think about other women, etc.

I don't know why these things would even matter because I'm also really confident that the type of guys I'm dating are extremely into me in terms of personality and interests, and while I'm not a true Stacy, I can be quite sexually charismatic. I'm also only dating to find my life partner and this bond would obviously over time become unique enough to drown out past connections. But my brain won't shut up about wanting to be the absolute best in everything I guess, I can ruminate endlessly about what something he said actually meant and where I stand.

I'm mostly asking because I recently got a chad adjacent but so caring bf who blows every partner I ever had out of the water, and I don't want to screw this up by becoming insecure and seeking endless reassurance (especially since he's already not shutting up about how amazing he finds me, which thank god has kept my worries in check pretty well). My current solution is just being more focused on all the impressive things that attracted him in the first place and playing more confident than I am until I hopefully get actually secure, but I worry this won't be enough if I get even more invested. Pls help ; __ ;

No. 149638

Shit I'm so sorry anon, I cannot imagine how you're feeling. Just cut off all contact with him, no need to even say anything. He doesn't deserve courtesy. Maybe talk to a friend or someone you trust/can confide in, so you feel less alone. I'm so sorry, you must be feeling so out of it. Don't blame yourself for anything please, for meeting with him or whatever.

No. 149649

Anon, are you me? You're definitely on the right track with focusing on what attracted him to you, there's no need to constantly upgrade and be better when you're already more than good enough. Just try to not overthink and I hope you'll eventually be able to feel fully secure.
For me it's so much of a struggle I've started seeing a therapist and being able to talk to professionalist about it helps a lot, so you can consider that too if you feel it's getting out of control. I feel like meditation is recommended as a tool for literally any issue but sometimes when I'm by myself getting eaten away by insecurity, clearing my mind and meditating is a good help too.

No. 149650

I had an irl friend years ago, guy had a crush on me and was a bit cringey at dropping that into conversation too much. He disclosed to me one day that he had was on the offenders register for images of children. When I googled his name i found articles saying it was thousands of images and vids. He was part of a ring and he had directed someone to abuse a two year old and film particular acts that were to his taste… I moved house before I cut contact. Just to be safe.

Obviously you need to stop communication. You do not owe him an explanation. You don't need to confront him and listen to the inevitable excuses and downplaying that he'll use. Does he have your address or work address?

No. 149653

Anon I feel you wholeheartedly.
Today the guy I was going to go out with turned out to have sexually assaulted his ex girlfriend. I didn't know until today because I'm not in the same groups as he is so I couldn't get a background check or anything. I only found out when I mentioned him to two of my acquaintances and they told me what happened! I feel so fucking guilty for even associating with him…
I had a good cry about it, not about him but more about the woman he hurt and how sorry I felt for her. I know you can't but I talked to her sister who is also an acquaintance and she told me to not be stupid because I didn't know. I also talked to my friends about it and got hugs.
I'm now ghosting him on everything. He doesn't deserve anything from you, I hope you feel better.

No. 149661

How do I get close to my brother again?

I live in a different country to him, have for 5 years? He's 21 now. Whenever I try talk to him he replies with one word answers. When I lived with him he'd open up to me and be closed off otherwise because it was a pretty dysfunctional household. When I visited recently he was closed off to me and barely opened up with what was happening in his life. I kind of get it because the main coping mechanism in the house is "don't engage" but it hurts to also be put in that category, especially because we'd have each others backs. Maybe he resents I wasn't there since he was 16. I tried talking to him but he'd be robotic over text and would only talk about his academic accomplishments, and not his passions and stuff like he did in his early teens.

Now he's moved out on his own to the other side of our home country and when I try talk to him it's like pulling teeth. I love him but it'll be hard to maintain a connection.

No. 149671

Not trying to downplay whatever happened in your household that made it dysfunctional but I come from an ok upbringing and my bro was the same in his teens and early twenties..like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him. It does seem to be an age where they can shut down and my brother was particularly non fussed about the women in his life. If it wasn't a girl he could sleep with he wasn't making any effort back.

I don't know how much of that is just age and how much might be dictated by environment in your bros case.

No. 149684


I mean it could be possible, I don't have enough information on him these days. I more or less raised him for years and brought him up to respect women. Back when he did talk to me he had mixed gender friend groups and I never heard him talk about his female friends disparagingly, but who knows if he's changed. He used to dislike our dad a lot and I'd try shield him from my dads attitude and I would tell dad to stop if he told my mom to shut the fuck up within earshot, but I mean 5 years with no buffer between my brother and parents might have changed him.

It's just sad because I thought we had a pretty strong bond. He had more freedoms than I did because I said I'd accompany him to a city or whatever, then we'd split up. I'd advocate that he should hang out with friends and that he has the right to privacy and all that. When I left I feel like he tried to talk to me, but it was solely about academic achievements. ""I have X exam. I think I'll pass. I passed. I have Y exam. I'll probably pass. I passed" etc. And I'd say good job, I'm so proud and ask him about his ambitions but it somehow managed to peter out into silence. I wonder if he's quiet now because I'm no longer needed for his freedom, so no need to talk to me. I really hope that's not the case.

So did your brother start talking to you again voluntarily, or what happened?

No. 149836

First time poster here and i feel like i'm going to tear my hair out with the situation i'm in. i've been talking to this person for over 3 months, and we've been flirty and cute. one night we hung out and did some blow, kissed for the first time and (tried) to have sex. reason i say tried is they couldn't get it up. We've tried again since then and i guess it's because they're so depressed they literally cannot get a boner. They're currently going to receive psychological help. but in the meantime i'm just left with this feeling they're holding something back. i know i need to be understanding of the situation and we have talked about what they want out of the relationship and right now its "romantically platonic" because they can't commit to anything right now. it just sucks because i really like them?! i'm just afraid of overwhelming them right now but i also wanna show them i'm there for support?! i'm just so confused i don't know what to do.

No. 149912

what is they?

No. 149922

no offense but you sound 19 max.
Why are you referring to someone with a dick as "they"? If they're transgender or whatever… anon, ask yourself if you really want a druggie transgender depressed person who can't commit in your life. Assuming you're young, this is just going to leave you damaged on the start. No relationship, no sex even, but only your ~support~? Be their friend or whatever, but don't romantically involve yourself with someone who can only take.

No. 150069

>broke up with a guy I was dating because of a shitty scenario
>start dating another guy who's lovely and caring
>can't stop thinking about the first guy, miss him terribly
is this just a phase I'm going through because I was much closer with the first guy, or do I have to break up with the guy I'm dating currently to figure this out?

I'm scared I was in love with the first guy and fucked up walking away because of the situation. I'm scared I don't love him and am just nostalgic for that level of comfort again. I'm scared I'll hurt the guy I'm dating now unnecessarily because I made a rash decision. I'm scared I'm leading him on if these feelings for the guy I was dating first don't go away.

I hate how uncertain relationships make me feel.

No. 150072

Just a phase. You made the decision you did for a good reason. Keep steady with your current and you'll forget about that old guy what's-his-name.

No. 150074

>did blow
>cant get it up
well there's why

No. 150093

How long were you single inbetween? Just sounds like you started dating again before you were ready. Like you were still in that 'ruminating' stage after the last break up.

A few therapy sessions usually speeds up that process, if you're in a position to afford that. What was the shitty scenario?

No. 150099

Can you tell us anything about this “situation”? I feel like some context is needed. And as the other anon already said, it’s important to know how long you were single in between the relationships. It might have been too soon.

No. 150105

I'm days late but anon if you're still here, I'm in almost the exact same situation!

I think it's pretty normal to wonder about the "what ifs" while in a relationship, but if he means that much to you then I think the reality is that you'd be worse off without him even if you could party and mingle. I would keep the discord thing to yourself and stay away from the guy you're crushing on, but what do you think about telling your bf about the fictional characters/hentai? I slowly started telling my bf about the BL manga I read and chatting with him about fictional characters I think are attractive. He found it funny and played along, so I feel a bit better about it even if it's disturbing to me personally since, like you, I was never into this stuff before.

No. 150109

basically no time, met the guy I'm seeing now when dating the previous guy. Previous guy didn't want to rush into anything and be an 'official' couple after about 6 months of seeing me, and the situation involved one of his exs still trying to get back with him (he never showed any interest back, but they worked together so there was always contact. Guy I'm seeing now was upfront about liking me and I think that was the final push my frustrated self needed to say 'fuck it I'm not waiting anymore'. But now…iunno, I worry I acted too impulsively out of frustration.

I really enjoy the time I spend with the guy I'm dating now, and when we're together I don't think about the previous guy. But when I'm alone, I do. Why is that?

No. 150112

If he didn’t want to “rush into things” after 6 months, I’m sure you made the right choice.

No. 150126

My significant other struggles with some paranoia stemming from childhood traumas. He is a functioning adult with an education, a good job, friends, a lot hobbies at which he is very talented, but his paranoia puts a strain on our relationship sometimes. It manifests as false memories. They can be about relatively banal occurences, but sometimes they centre on hurtful events that just…never happened. I've confronted him about it before and he felt like I was trying to manipulate him. He briefly saw a therapist at one point but it didn't help.
I think it's a scary thing to live with, imagine being told that your memory of certain events were in fact made up in your own mind. That would make just about anyone believe that they were being gaslighted. It's an incredibly delicate situation that rocks the sense of trust in our relationship and I don't know how to handle it.

No. 150130

I'm in the same boat, anon. I love my boyfriend so much and we've been together for years, yet I have thoughts like these a ton!
What's probably happening here is something that is entirely common in a long-term relationship – your bond changes from a more infatuated bond/limerence into a deeper, more stable and loving bond. Your love has adjusted for the long term, rather than being something new, exciting and drug-like, and at this stage it's entirely common to have wandering thoughts. However, and I've come to this conclusion myself after having the same issue, if you genuinely have a loving bond with your boyfriend, it will be much more rewarding in the long term to stay with him and grow. One way this growth could happen is being open with him about these feelings, particularly the hentai stuff (not necessarily the discord guy as the other anon said.) Even if he seems vanilla, he might be super willing to do kinkier shit to please you. You're probably just at a phase where you need more excitement in your relationship and it's entirely possible to rekindle those initial "exciting" feelings even if it comes and goes in waves throughout your relationship. I promise you that this is something almost everyone in a super long-term relationship goes through at some point, and you already seem to know deep in your heart that you want to stay with your bf.

No. 150146

No idea how to handle that kind of thing, but maybe you could start keeping a diary of your events together that's dated, like a lot of people do just to remember the good times. Then next time he misremembers something that happened with you specifically, you can say 'I remember it differently, look this is what I wrote about that day' and he'll feel less attacked? But it sounds like a pretty serious condition.

No. 150181

>He briefly saw a therapist at one point but it didn't help.
Maybe that's the problem, too briefly?

Personally I'd really encourage him to go back for therapy, not just for his sake but also for yours and your relationship together. This is a very serious condition that requires professional help, in my opinion you can't go around that.

No. 150218

How long did it take you guys to say "I love you" to your partner(s) in your relationships?

No. 150219

It was 3 months for me, but i had known him on a aquintance/friendsship kinda vibe for 3 years before. The 3 months are from the moment on we started having sex and figuring out if we could be more, it wasnt really official the moment i said it but we acted like that if that makes sense

No. 150222

Like 10 months I think?

No. 150226

File: 1599271858497.gif (500.19 KB, 375x244, 1317C9A3-02EE-4C9E-81FE-16D534…)

I said it way too soon apparently

No. 150239

OP here. Apologies for the incoming blog. The reason I asked was because I wanted to gauge things for myself. It'll be ll months this month since I started dating my boyfriend and I hadn't said I love you to him yet until tonight. We had an awkward conversation a few months back where he asked me if I loved him and I kinda had to explain to him that I didn't really know because I'd never experienced it before. He's my first boyfriend and I have serious emotional detachment issues, so it felt weird to say it before I actually believed it. Anyway, I said it tonight, I meant it, and I didn't suddenly combust so I think I'll be fine. Thanks nonnies ♥

No. 150246

I obviously don't know your family situation but if it's as shitty as you make it sound, he might just resent you for leaving. While you were out on your own he was stuck with his father that sounds like a terrible person. You saying good job, proud of you, etc. over text does literally nothing for him.

No. 150276

God, my ex is so hot I don't even care about a relationship I just want to fuck him before I leave the country and never have the chance again.

No. 150296

I know male balding is natural but since this is lolcow you're probably young and so is he. It's worth looking into if any health problems or hormone imbalances might be causing it. Losing all your hair within a year sounds suspicious; hairloss is even a covid symptom.

No. 150298

He reminds me of Ethan Hawke's chara in Before Sunrise, so this opinion is spot-on

Maybe 30, maybe a rugged 20

No. 150299

Update, I scrolled and he's 43 but is dating a woman of 28, so I guess the anons calling him sleazy called it. Either sleazy or emotionally stunted.

No. 150300

>ended amicably despite being married for 15 years

Ok anon is the midlife crisis/replacement younger woman, yikes

No. 150301

Samefag, I nailed it with the Before Sunrise comparison since his chara is also a midlife crisis divorcee in the later movies.

Good luck Anon.

No. 150305


I would have given him anywhere from 22-32. Jeez. He has some good genetics.

He looks around your age. And other anons are being pretty harsh, he looks kind

No. 150306

So my bf lives with his mom and she just had heart surgery still he's going out everyday without a mask to play magic with his friends. Their relationship isn't the best but it's BC he kinda blames her for being poor and not able to help him monetarily. He's super kind to me but I am not sure anymore. I guess he's kinda shitty. I wanna break up but I am feeling super guilty

No. 150309

Think of it this way: yea he doesn't love-love his mom but we're in the middle of a pandemic and you wouldn't want to pass that covid shit to anyone let alone your parent who just had surgery aka even more vulnerable. He sounds fucking shitty no matter his mom relationship, he is also putting his friends at risk so the stupidity might cover even loved ones.

No. 150446

girls, i'm a fucking idiot. i've been in a relationship for 3 yrs and ended it like two months ago. felt amazing and have been having fun with a guy, no strings attached and i've been liking it this way!

now here comes the fucked up part: he was with another girl in the club and she was throwing herself at him and i got so madly jealous that i almost threw up. i don't know if anything happened but it really shouldn't matter since we both made clear we don't want more out of it.

but i guess im just lying to myself right? or else i wouldn't have gotten this jealous.

my question: how do i successfully live the hoe-life? i can't do this falling in love and heartbreak shit anymore

No. 150448

Have you been with anyone else except this guy? If he is the only one you give your attention to then it's definitely gonna be hard to not develop some kind of attachment.
In general good practice - I believe that for anyone but especially for a novice hoe - would be to not have any longer term hook-ups, even if both you and the other party want to keep it going. Set a deadline, something like like up to 2 weeks of hooking up and then move on to someone else, no going back, otherwise you'll just grow attached to them again.

No. 150451


nah, i haven't been with anyone else except this guy and you're totally right. i need to stop myself before i develop feelings for him bc then i'll be FUCKED.

thank you!

No. 150461

I’m dating this guy. I’m 20 he’s 21 we’ve been together about 10 months and basically been inseparable, meeting or calling daily, basically lived together during quarantine because we both stayed at the university we both go to. He’s graduated now and we’re back home, an hour train from each other. It seemed all fine as usual then suddenly he’s been feeling really depressed and unsocial. He says he’s going through shit because he’s struggling to find a job after graduating and feels like a burden to his family financially. This is all understandable and of course I completely get that but he’s been taking it out on me and our relationship. He never wants to meet anymore, whenever I try to talk to him he says he’s too depressed to talk to other people and that I need to give him time, but it gets to a point where we don’t even talk. Plus I need to see where we’re at because he’s considering working abroad while I’m still at uni so I don’t know how we’re gonna work out, but every time I try to tell him how I feel and how we need to talk and communicate he blames me for ‘always making him feel bad’. This has also happened in relation to porn because I’ve told him I don’t feel comfortable with him watching it and then he promises he’ll change then I find out he’s lying and then he twists it to make it seem like I’m always criticising him. I’m confused and sad now because I still have feelings for him and know we have chemistry (at least we did when he wasn’t feeling depressed) and I idk what to do moving forward. Pls help me

No. 150463

Also he keeps saying once he feels better we’ll be able to talk like we used to and continue to be together but…it’s difficult on me right now

No. 150473

If you enjoy spending time with him don't completely erase him from your life, but whenever you feel the urge to have him all to yourself or get jealousy pangs focus your attention on someone else. Go on tinder, get a backup guy (or two, or three) and chat with them instead. This works wonders for me and I've been able to stay a single hoe for almost a year now while fucking a gorgeous man who doesn't want a committed relationship either plus a few more flings.

No. 150503

Is it inappropriate / harmful to be friends with an ex that cheated on me?
We've been best friends before, cheating ruined my self esteem and romantic relationship between us, but 2 years has passed and we get along fine. Even though I do have issues with trust because of said ex in my current relationship, I don't feel like cutting ties with him would change anything there; my current boyfriend though is increasingly annoyed of me being still in touch with the ex and says I should cut ties. I can't help hesitating because he really is the only close friend I have, other people are just on the colleague level, so that is a terrifying thing to lose as close friends are incredibly hard to find. But it makes sense for my boyfriend to be annoyed that I'm friends with a person who hurt me in the past. What do you think, what would you advice I do?

No. 150505

Being friends with an ex is almost never a good idea, even if they didn't cheat on you, abuse you, etc. Tbh I feel like there is something you aren't telling us here if him cheating on you isn't enough to make you want to cut ties with him. I'd absolutely be concerned if I were your partner. Specifically, I'd worry that you still had feelings for him.

No. 150506

I 100% don't have feelings for him but what could be a contributing factor was that after being cheated on I had to still live with him for about a year because I couldn't financially afford going anywhere else. It's very likely that if I could have moved away and cut ties then, we would not be in contact anymore; but since I was forced to see him every day for a year I had to cope with it somehow separating in my mind the idea that this is a person that hurt me and the fact that this is a person I have to share a living space with. Maybe it messed me up to not move out sooner.

No. 150512

Yes, it is inappropriate.

No. 150514

Since you said you only learnt to stomach your ex cause you were forced to live with him blah blah, why don't you try a long distance relationship i.e. just text, see who initiates actually hanging out. It's weird to stay friends with exes imo. Exes from adolescence sure or someone you had a few dates with but after living with someone and going that far romantically to just being platonic is weird. You both need space away from each other, it's healthy.

No. 150526

Thanks you anons, I feel like I keep trying to convince myself it's okay even though I already know objectively it really is not. I think sometimes I just need a strangers opinion to push me in a right direction and stop being stupid. Keep your fingers crossed for me to find good friends I don't have romantic history with, like a decent human being
> why don't you try a long distance relationship i.e. just text, see who initiates actually hanging out
It's been like this since COVID in late winter, he definitely invites me more than I invite him but I think more of an issue is that we really talk constantly… I'll try to just slowly step away until it's more of a healthy distance.

No. 152037

My boyfriend doesn't often initiate affection like kissing and hugging unless he's drunk, and it's starting to make me feel kind of unwanted because I really need physical affection. He's told me before that he doesn't need much physical affection to be happy so I guess he just doesn't think about it, but I'm starting to feel like I should bring it up to him. I think what's making it 10x worse is that my roommate and her boyfriend are always at our house being overly physically affectionate and lovey dovey and whilst I would hate that level of performative romance it still makes me feel upset that I barely get any.

What can I say that won't make me sound like a prick? I should add that my boyfriend is probably autistic, idk if it makes a difference as to how I should handle it.

No. 152038

File: 1600601083820.jpg (14.12 KB, 330x331, 6f2140c30aafbca65ff931bb9a64af…)

My boyfriend and I have been together close to a year now. I have strong feelings for him but he can be overly clingy. He always wants to spend time together 24/7 to the point where he gets offended if I want to hang out with friend(s) without him. It's also a recurring theme where he laments that his ex never made time for him leaving him behind to spend time with her friends. Recently, he told me how upset he was when she went to another city for a girl's trip and said he couldn't come. He was really insistent about not understanding why he couldn't just tag along. When I tried explaining that the point of a girls trip is for it to be all girls he got offended and said he would get mad at any of his friends if they didn't want me hanging out. I tried talking the issue out but the whole convo felt like red flags.

His mom also recently told him not to put so much of his energy and time into relationships when he told her he needed to go home (after visiting for an hour or so) so he could spend time with me.

I try talking to him about these issues but sometimes it just doesn't feel like we're on the same page.
Do you guys think his behavior is unsalvageable or something that can be worked on? Am I in the wrong here? Or is this just a matter of preference in how much time you like to spend with your SO?

No. 152046

my advice is just be honest about why you need more affection from him, like you have been here. As for wording, I'd try something like 'hey, I know you said physical affection isn't important for you to feel cared for, but it is for me. When I get a surprise kiss of a cuddle from you, it makes my day and really lifts my mood. Can you please try to give me more affection in this way?'

I wouldn't mention other couples, or mention that you feel sad / unwanted from this, because in my experience men react badly to guilt or critique. Good luck anon, I hope your bf spoils you with kisses and hugs soon.

No. 152050

Thanks so much for the advice anon, I'll say this pretty much word for word next time I see him

No. 152064

You've already gotten good advice but. I was in a similar situation, but as your boyfriend I guess. My bf is my first partner and through childhood and teenage age I wasn't really affectionate with anyone. Because of that, I was bad at receiving affection and even worse giving it. He, on the other hand, is very naturally affectionate. After a while he kind of exploded and told me he feels unwanted etc. While for me, I thought I'm doing great progress and we're fine and it's all flowers and floating hearts. So maybe your boyfriend really doesn't understand how you're feeling and there's no malice behind it. So don't come at him with an attack, but be understanding. Voice your needs firmly though. Two people can have different love languages but it's important to try to speak each other's.

No. 152094

I know this sounds retarded but I sent him a meme from the dumb bitch memes thread on /m/ and he replied "mild cringe" and now I want to kill myself. I'm so dependent on male approval, I fucking hate it

No. 152126

dumb bitch memes aren’t cringe I think they just don’t resonate with men as well. fuck his opinion

No. 152127

It’s definitely not you anon. This is unhealthy and codependent behavior on your boyfriend’s side. It’s possible he can improve but that’ll take a combination of you maintaining your boundaries and needs (of seeing friends without him) and him coming to understand why it isn’t the end of the world if you’re not always together. I would be kind but also lay things out clearly for him.

Let him know that you love spending time with him, but that you also need to enjoy your friends alone sometimes. You can explain that they may want to talk with you about personal topics, and although they may like your bf, they have obviously known you longer and wouldn’t be comfortable doing so around someone they’ve only had as a casual acquaintance for a year. And even when it comes to more casual things, simply put, they are your friends and not his, and are entitled to have your attention to themselves every now and then. I would tell him he should appreciate time alone with his friends as well so that his life is balanced and he’s not reliant upon you for all his happiness, which can be very draining.

It seems your boyfriend may have a hang up about this due to past treatment from an ex, so I would let him know that if he’s ever feeling neglected, he should be able to let you know. But also establish fair boundaries… like if you’ve spent 5/7 days of the week with him and then he gets upset about you going out with friends once, that’s not cool. You can reassure him but after that he has to accept what a normal, healthy relationship looks like and understand that you are not the center of each other’s worlds, even though you can be very important parts of it.

No. 152141

Christ anon. Stop being so desperate for male approval, easier said than done I know and if you like someone you obviously want their approval but not everything you like will be understood or appeal to everyone else. It's fine if he thinks it's 'mildly cringey'. Hell, I find some of the dumb bitch memes cringey. Not a big deal, you'll also find some of his interests not resonate with you, which is fine too.

No. 152185

How do deal with having a partner with DID? They only came forward about it recently but a lot of their 'alters' clearly don't like me. Does anyone have good ways to cope? Please don't suggest breaking up, that's not an option for me since it'll make me look like a monster.

No. 152188

do better anon stop acting like a teenager

No. 152193

>that's not an option for me since it'll make me look like a monster.
Wha? You'd be a monster for breaking up with someone who has a mental illness with side effects you don't want to deal with? People do this all the time and it's totally valid. Just like someone may not want to be in a relationship with someone who has cancer or some other debilitating disease. I deal with depression and if my partner wanted to break up with me because I wasn't actively managing it and I can be an energy-sucking sadsack then that's okay, I wouldn't hold it against him.

Sorry anon but that's a terrible reason to stay. It would be one thing if you said, "I don't want to leave my partner because I really love them and want to help them through this," but as it stands you sound like a prisoner.

No. 152194

Have they been officially diagnosed? What nature of trauma happened in their childhood? Are they getting therapy that it specifically for that?

I ask all that because with all the popular DID youtubers popping up in the last few years you now have women with more mundane issues like BPD getting wrapped up in the idea and announcing it without a diagnosis. Just make believing that they have it and pretending to have a diagnosis.

I would want clear proof that it's diagnosed if I were you. If 'alters' will potentially be used as get out of jail free cards any time she gets abusive with you.. you at least want absolute proof that a professional has diagnosed it and is treating her trauma. It already sounds like something dodgy is happening if her 'alters' don't like you. You can totally leave a person with mental illness. I have a mental illness that affects me greatly, I've been dumped twice. That's life. And that is your right. You can't be held hostage because of an illness.

No. 152195

Good point… thank you for your input anon, will bear this in mind

No. 152210

>you sound like a prisoner

I am one. They are completely dependent on me which is why leaving is absolutely off the table.

No. 152225

All he said was "mild cringe." That's not even that bad. He doesn't like one meme, big deal. Men have trouble relating enough as it is.
Which one?

No. 152235

Is it a fakeboy? A tranny?
Especially if this person is a genderspecial claiminig to have DID, I'd say that they're probably not officially diagnosed and are making their alters up to seem special and to manipulate you. Of course I'm no psychiatrist but actual DID is extremely rare and I doubt that this person has it.

No. 152236

not your problem. stop wasting your time and leave

No. 152239

You come on here asking for advice, but you don't want to hear the only sound advice. You're just scared of leaving. No change is more comfortable than leaving even if staying sucks.

I'd say get out before sacrificing your life to a mentally ill person. In my parent's marriage one of them has a mental illness and it was hell growing up with them. Only after 20+ years when they finally got professional help that helped them understand each other and cope did it finally get bearable. Having seen a relationship with one mentally ill-half from up-close, I'd warn anyone who's in a relationship with a mentally ill person to get the hell out. Staying in a relationship with a mentally ill person is a literal sacrifice of your own life and happiness and you'll get nothing in return.

Regardless if you insist on staying you need get help from a professional who can help you understand your partner's mental illness and how to deal with that. That's not something we can give you proper advice on.

No. 152242

Are you serious? Go live your life instead of regretting wasting your time on someone who can't take care of themselves on their own. There are much better people out there.

No. 152245

That is the exact reason why you need to leave. That is so far from healthy and you'll both find your mental health spiraling under those circumstances.

Rip the band-aid off and just cut that person off. It'll be better for you both in the long run. she'll/he'll get over it like every other person on earth who gets dumped. You know marriages end, people with kids split, nobody is above getting fucking dumped when their partner is no longer happy. Seeing as they are a genderspecial and just happen to have this oh so rare disorder (be sceptical girl) then yes they'll freak out and try to put you through manipulation tactics while blaming alters. Don't buy it. Cut contact like they recommend people do with narcs/untreated bpders. That's likely what she/he is. Some people with cluster b disorders and narc traits greatly exaggerate their 'illness/victimhood' to hold people emotionally captive like that and you statistically are much more likely to meet one of those assholes in your lifetime than a truly diagnosed DIDer.. hint, hint. Block them on every avenue they can use to contact you because they will suicide bait you otherwise.

No. 152250

File: 1600775772521.png (85.69 KB, 275x206, 1598905518294.png)

Girls I don't know if I want to try the relationship or reject him. I know he loves me, we know each other years ago online and it was reciprocated. But at this time I was young and my self esteem was really low, not to mention we never saw each other so going on a relationship was a no to me in the end. We got in contact again and it's been two years, we chat just fine and often have something to talk about.

Except that I'm still undecided as ever, I keep switching between "Should I go out with him?" to "Nope don't wanna, I'm glad I didn't". I start to think that the part of me that want to give a try is because I know it'll be hard for me to find someone if I reject him now: ugly, socially awkward, etc. We actually never properly exchanged our pictures (he did saw my face by accident) and only chatted vocal like 2 times. So I'm already super pessimistic when I'm thinking about being his girlfriend, if he sees that I'm not that 8/10 girl next door and I don't want my self-esteem being already hurt again. And yes I said "Give it a try" not "I love him" because even that I don't fucking now, the bright side that I see is that I can try to date someone to see if there's feeling. But going out with him because I'm afraid to miss my only opportunity and not out of love is hella disrespectful to him.

I just want to tell him all of that, yo girl is not conventionally pretty. We never met IRL and I wished we did that as friends, not "potential partners" because that stress me out. I'm afraid that I'm not in love and force myself because how the freak I'm supposed to find someone that will love me. Even best case scenario he finds me pretty, do I love him? I don't just know.

No. 152254

Just exchange selfies which each other and get it over with.

No. 152259

It really sounds like you don't want this relationship and only consider it out of loneliness or something. You say it yourself, it's between maybe and no, never a yes. Don't do it to yourself.

No. 152278

Yes, I do get the butterfly feeling but it's more related from the attention I'm getting. I'll be honest and just tell him I don't feel confortable (I missed the opportuniy because he's doing engineering studies and I didn't wanted to add more anxiety with his workload).

I wouldn't even mind "as friends" lmao

Thank you

No. 152285

Is it a bad sign, or considerate, if my boyfriend lied to me to not make me upset? Does he fear me if I become upset?

It's really stupid. So yesterday some teenage employee at a grocery store was giving me shit because my chip card at the self-checkout suddenly wasn't taking. It was one of those machines where if it senses it's a chip card it won't let you swipe. She was giving me a bunch of attitude because I just asked her if she could suspend my order and swipe my card up at the main desk. I used to work at a grocery store so I know it's something I'd do for a customer if their card couldn't read, or manually punch it in. She told me no and that the issue was my card and it wasn't going to work at all so I'd just have to go get cash from an ATM or pay differently. I didn't really believe her about the chip being bad and said how I didn't think it was my card, but either way she didn't seem to be interested in helping me out and wanted to make it entirely my problem. I rescanned on a different machine and same issue. I wound up paying with a different card which is also a chip but it malfunctioned with that chip too. Of course I thought no way it was me at that point. I got it to take after a second time which made me think the store's card readers were just bad.

My bf who's a manager at a different grocery store chain listened to me sperg about it and sided with me.
Fast forward to today: I went to pay for a meal before work and noticed when I handed my card to the employee my chip malfunctioned again, but this employee just swiped my card and didn't make it my problem so it was all good.
I texted my bf about how I stood corrected about my chip failing, and he replied "Hahahaha…I wanted to say something last night but didn't want to make you mad." Idk, he could have told me the truth and I would have believed him. After all, I don't really care that the chip isn't working, I was more pissed off from the girl's lazy attitude.
I texted with a laugh back and told him he can tell me the truth. I'm just nervous that apparently he's going to lie to me if he thinks the truth will upset me, or apparently I'm such an intense bull that he thinks I wouldn't have handled the truth well.

No. 152294

Well, it depends on how you react to things that might anger you. If you react badly, then yes, he might be doing it to avoid such a wrath. If you don't, then my opinion is that he thought it was a trivial thing and laughed it off. I dunno. I feel like you're overreacting, to be honest.

No. 152296

Seriously anon, this is so minor. I wouldn’t even consider it a lie so much as being supportive of your partner. If my bf was complaining about an annoying situation even if I figured he might be wrong about something, I’d just shrug it off and let him vent without any real concern over the specifics (if it was over something so banal and lacking any moral implications). I’d consider it rude and dismissive to be all, “ACTUALLY dear, you probably fucked up in this situation,” in the midst of him just wanting to blow off steam. Of course any normal person would be frustrated with their partner nitpicking when they just wanted to relate a story. Imo laugh over the honest mistake and move on.

If it was a situation where you were like, bitching out the employee for not doing what you wanted, then it might warrant “I understand you were upset honey but I feel like you may have needlessly attacked that girl,” but there’s literally no moral quandary on your end, just the employee kind of being an ass to you. I’m sure your bf just wanted to give you the opportunity to get it off your chest without interrupting over something so minor.

No. 152299

He was afraid that you'd overreact or take it personally…and I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but you are now kind of proving his point by reacting strongly to such a white lie. It's seems overly critical to judge him for that or almost read into his character.. You said he listened to you sperg, and he eventually told you when he thought the moment was right. What more could you realistically want from someone? I can see his issue here.

No. 152304

If someone is venting about something, I wouldn't interrupt them with a "ackchually you could be wrong here," it's just unnecessary. Not always saying what's on your mind isn't lying. Obviously when you listen to a story, you consider the possibilities in your head, and if I listened to your story, I would have agreed as well. It seems unlikely you'd have two malfunctioning chip cards, but of course it's possible.

It's more concerning that you're thinking about this so much, and you're coming off high-strung. People who interject with "facts and logic" when someone is clearly just annoyed are very tiresome, and it's a good sign your bf has enough social intelligence to not do that.

No. 152306

Yeah I'm probably overthinking it. Sorry for the navel gazing, this is why I like an anonymous place to vent to. Thank you farmers.

No. 152347

If someone bullied you and intimidated you into a relationship, tried to impregnate you against your will,
threatened your loved ones and you eventually gave in because trying to escape was very hard
and then did become pregnant and now had a 4 month old daughter…..
I no longer work, he took my car to use for work and I cannot even easily leave for leisure and he never ever lets me leave alone with the baby
I think I have stockholm syndrome. after completely surrendering my life to him he is amicable at best and uninterested in me entirely most of the time but pretty benign
I tell him “this life depresses me its hard to be a good mother in this context”
I also say “you have hurt me and my mind greatly i think i need to leave to recover” and he thinks that he is so much better now that i am selfish and ridiculous to rob our child of a father
This shit is fucking insane and multiple people watched it happen to me
my family thinks im just weird for being impregnated by a 45 year old man who does not seem to like me

No. 152349

Wow… I’m sorry anon. Can you look at women’s shelters in your area? The first step would be to look into places that can help you transition into your own personal housing. They should be able to help you fully separate from your abuser and find work/child support as well. I don’t know enough to provide more clarity than that but please look at every resource available to you in your location.

No. 152355

I don't really know how to feel. I am having a stressful week at work and that is making me react snappy in certain conversations with my partner. He told me last night he sometimes hates hanging out with me because of how snappy i've been. I have apologised and tried to explain that work is extremely stressful, my dissertation is due in next week and my period just started but it all feels like excuses and I just feel like a horrible person.

Although, I also feel like he doesn't help my stress? I was really busy yesterday and he comes in, whilst making food for himself and not me as well lol, asking 'are we out of beans' ??? is my brain connected to the cupboard or something? why can't you just check? like we haven't done laundry because we don't have any laundry stuff but he won't go get it even though he's a lot freer than I am, I've been working since Monday and I went to the shop multiple times to check, when I was on my break and it didn't have any. I could go to another shop but I just don't have time, whereas he's just playing games and says he 'doesn't want to go to the shop' ?

There's a comic out there about the mental load women have compared to men and it feels like that is happening but any time I bring it up he refutes it and says he does do stuff for me but I can't think of the times he does the stuff he says he does? especially off his own merit, I usually have to ask to get anything done such as 'can you do the washing' or 'can you go to the shop' and it's always met with a groan or 'i don't want to' or 'yes mien furher' ? I just think my resentment is building ontop of my stress but I can't talk to him about it either cause he gets pissy. There are a lot of things I don't want to do either but I just have to cause otherwise it won't get done.

I just feel like im being a bit gaslit like I can see the situation, I can see I care a lot more than he does about a lot of things around the house and tasks that need doing but when I talk to him it's always like 'no i do this this and this'? but it doesn't make sense cause the dishes aren't washed, the clothes aren't done, the food isn't cooked? the house is a mess. I try to clean in my free time but I want to relax as well the same way he gets to. I only get the weekend off and I am already tired of spending it cleaning up only for it to get messy through the week.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it off my chest.

No. 152373

I don't even know what's good advice to deal with this situation but I just wanted to relate and say I've been there too and it sucks to be the one always having to ask your partner to simply pull their weight. The fact that there's no initiative taken to do chores and it always has to be requested of them.. my ex would sit in a dirty apartment with chores just piling up around him and never do them without me having to nearly beg him to help. Even then he'd have a day off work and if I came home and asked that he do dishes (after a day of him playing vidya games) I'd have to do the dishes alongside him or else 'it wasn't fair'….

I think it's rooted in old gender roles. Even when you're busier than them or working longer hours it still comes down to you to be the one motivated to clean both of your clothes… I reached a point where I didn't see a future like that, especially in terms of having a family. That workload would be a nightmare and a constant battle so I left. That and like you said it feels like gaslighting for someone to make you out to be unreasonable just for wanting some sort of even split in care of the home.

I never found a solution apart from us splitting up but I just wanted to say I hear you. I know your frustration.

No. 152392

It's really good that you recognize you can't live like this. A lot of women would be in denial in your situation (not blaming them, denial is a symptom of the abuse).
So you've overcome the mental hurdles and you know this can't go on.
In your situation I would immediately start SECRETLY planning to gtfo. Secretly because you say he's benign, but I don't know how he's going to react now that you're definitely trying to leave. He's already threatened your loved ones.
Stop talking to him about leaving, he's not going to help you leave, he's going to actively try and stop you leaving.
Start stashing whatever money you can in a secret bank account. Start telling your family that you and the baby NEED to leave. I know they watched it happen to you, but if they can help you now then you need that help. Plan to leave and then execute that plan as quickly and decisively as possible.

No. 152404

Anon, this is a shit situation (for you). I promise there are men out there who clean up around the house without being asked because they're competent adults who appreciate a tidy living space. Men who enjoy cooking and willingly offer to make dinner in general, and doubly so when you're stressed. Who don't complain when you ask for support or for small tasks to be taken care of. I'm telling you right now you are not crazy or demanding for wanting (or even expecting) more.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is a complete ass, but from what you've expressed here he certainly seems pretty crappy. I hope you will really think if this is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you're interested in having kids eventually, can you imagine how much more responsibility you'd have to shoulder with this guy acting like an inept, whiny teen? You'd already have one kid to take care of, then you'd have him on top of it. Where does that leave your own needs?

No. 152413

I just had a big fight with my boyfriend and I don't know how to feel. My dad was diagnosed with corona a couple days ago, and he's at high risk. I'm extremely worried. A coupe of days ago I got home from uni and I tell my boyfriend that I've been really unfocused because of how worried I am. He makes me feel like I am completely irrational for being scared instead of trying to comfort me. He's been having some problems with his health too (not acute, but def stressful) and somehow turns the conversation into how I've not been worrying enough about HIM. At one point he even goes "who are you most worried about, your dad who's almost 60 or me?" and I just… Somehow he managed to turn the fact that my dad might die into an argument about his own health issues? This lasted for HOURS and at no point did he attempt to comfort me or make me feel better.
I just don't know, anons. Is this some sort of emotional abuse? We've been together for so many years but it felt like my emotional attachment to this person just disapeared, then and there. Am I being unreasonable?

No. 152415

>"who are you most worried about, your dad who's almost 60 or me?"
I've buried a parent (she was 58 and a small infection spiralled) and years after that I had a bf give out to me for crying on mothers day… It took my attention away from him. Looking back that's such a clear warning sign, when all they feel in that moment… is robbed of your attention! You have one dad, most romantic relationships have an expiry date. That's just reality. To put you in this position of 'tell me I matter more than your father' is unreasonable. He doesn't matter more. He shouldn't expect to and if his wording was what you quoted there then that's very telling. You're not even married to this man.
>This lasted for HOURS
>Is this some sort of emotional abuse?
If it's hours upon hours of arguing without any real effort to find a middleground or solution.. they're usually just trying to emotionally punish you. You can usually judge for yourself whether an argument is constructive or just lashing out.

I'm really sorry anon. I hope your dad manages to fight through it. You deserve to be able to vent right now and I hope that theres someone else in your life that proves more supportive to you during this.

No. 152419

I'm so sorry and good luck anon, I hope your dad is okay. I don't find situations like that worth it at all, have you guys been together for years and he just started acting like this? blogpost but last year I just had an absolute shit year, one thing after another culminating in the death of a relative and my bf at the time could not sympathize with me at all, not even a little bit, and would constantly belittle me for not being able to be "fun" to be around. Its incredible how little empathy men have.

No. 152438

He just straight up 'all lives matter'ed your dad. What a pissbaby.

No. 152457

He's being absolutely unreasonable. He might've been worried about his own health issues and feeling like you don't care for a while, and your dad's health issue might've acted as the tipping point. But even so, he should've had the common sense to not bring it up at a time like this. How incredibly self-centered.
I actually had something similar happen to me recently. My cat was extremely sick for a week, I was worried sick, hadn't slept or eaten, and my fwb decided that it was a good time to start talking about his hurt feefees about something minor and unrelated. I told him now is not a good time but he kept going. I blocked him.

No. 152470

it's emotional abuse and manipulation through and through, i would get out of that relationship as fast as i can. man with that kind of victm mentality are always bad news and it's difficult to notice the signs until is blatantly obvious (talking from experience, sadly) good luck and i hope your dad gets better soon

No. 152492

I hope you leave this asshole anon. It's so disgusting that he literally took a situation about your father's fragile health and made it about him instead of supporting you. I hate that for you. I understand what it's like being in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's hard to see because it (unfortunately) becomes something you normalize. But you deserve so much better than this. Your partner should support you and build you up, not make you feel worse over a perfectly normal thing to be stressed over. I hope your dad gets better soon and that you can find a real support system.

No. 152495

he's either an asshole or a retard, dump him. I hope your father gets better, anon.

No. 152518

I'm so sorry for your loss anon, and that you had to experience a bf that wouldn't even let you grieve on mothers day. I def agree that this kind of behavior is a big warning sign. Our argument never became constructive, although I tried to communicate how his behavior made me feel several times. He just continued acting completely irrational - the whole situation felt absurd. Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.
Thank you anon, I completely agree and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. There's absolutely been some warning signs prior to this, and tbh he's rarely provided the support I've needed whenever I've been dealing with traumatic stuff. I just feel like this is the one situation that made me understand how incredibly unhealthy this relationship is. It's like it finally dawned on me.
kek, thank you for making me laugh anon
Thank you so much anons, this is exactly what I need to hear. I've been considering leaving him before, but this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I've been rationalizing his behavior for years, telling myself that it's not "serious enough" to be considered emotional abuse. My reasons for being sad or stressed are never good enough for him, he tells me when I should get home after seeing friends, whenever I'm crying it's because I have an undiagnosed "mental disorder". I'm never allowed to react to anything; if I do, I'm being irrational. At this point, I'm scared of sharing my feelings with him because I know I'll be judged, not supported. Just writing this makes me feel ashamed that I've allowed myself to be treated like this.
For the first time I'm a 100% certain that leaving him is the right thing to do.

No. 152590

Please help, anons in relationships…

I just got diagnosed with celiac disease, and I have a few other food allergies on top of it.

Is it fair to ask my live in boyfriend that we don't keep my forbidden foods in the house anymore?

He's a picky eater so we already eat different stuff for almost every meal. He eats bread at least twice a day. We both work and study from home.

The problem is I'll get too tempted by his food and especially snacks, and eat it. I'm aware it's a sort of self harm but I can't stop myself sometimes. I'll eat just enough to make me sick but not enough to go to hospital… I don't think he knows how badly it affects me.

I just don't know if it's reasonable to ask him to quit bread and other foods altogether. I've asked him to hide his snacks away but when I'm motivated I always find them so it doesn't work. He's joked about having a snack safe but I know he'll just leave the key lying around.

I don't know what to do.

No. 152593


Oh my god get over yourself lol, no one is forcing you to eat the food, get some self restraint…

No. 152598

You are the only person responsible for the food that you choose to put in your mouth

Asking your bf to cut out foods or saying that he doesn't hide food well enough.. sounds like a whole load of blame shifting. You have to tackle this yourself. If you need to see a professional to work on those cravings then don't be ashamed to do that.

No. 152658

im one of those people who hate being single (dating market is shit, dating itself is scary, i get bored alone) i used to be very clingy, but i've finally found someone i can spend plenty of time away from and still be comfortable with. its such a nice feeling just having alone time, not half living together, not getting grouched at for not doing the dishes or whatever. but i can also go get laid or whatever the fuck relationships are about when i feel like it, and get nice messages throughout the day

No. 152661

Girl, just get some self restraint. Idk what else to tell you, if he isn’t dangling unsafe foods before your eyes I don't see why he needs to stop bread

No. 152669

you just got diagnosed so you probably don't totally get the ins and outs of it yet, but, once you've cut gluten out for an extended period of time a very small amount of it will make you spend the night in the bathroom throwing up.

the bigger issue with living with someone when you're celiac is cross contamination. It's extremely difficult to keep crumbs out of your food, use different toaster ovens, etc

in my opinion it's not unreasonable at all to demand someone stop eating gluten inside the house entirely. Getting glutened will kill you very early if you are celiac. I know several celiacs who's partners have cut gluten out to accommodate them- its a sacrifice they have to make if they actually understand what gluten does to someone who is celiac and care about your health.

ofc I agree with the other anons that your reason being so you aren't "tempted" is stupid though. You are diagnosed celiac. You can never eat wheat again. You have to deal with that

No. 152670

> im one of those people who hate being single
Grow up.

No. 152671

I am celiac. My boyfriend doesn’t eat gluten in the house, except certain prepackaged foods that aren’t messy and the occasional carry-out, to avoid cross contamination after it happened a few times and made me really sick. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to ask him to make some sacrifices if you live together, but you really can’t blame him for your own lack of self-restraint either. You’re still choosing to eat his snacks and that’s on you, especially when you’ve gone looking for the food he’s tried hiding. I know it’s hard at the beginning, but it does get easier the longer you stick to the diet. My own cravings are few and far between after 8 years gluten free, plus I’ve found safe replacements for a lot of my faves when they do hit. You will get there too with practice. Good luck with your gluten free transition and I hope you feel better soon.

No. 152677

I don't think you understand this thread anon

No. 152681

She's hardly worried about 'cross contamination' and crumbs killing her if she's actively hunting down the gluten and eating it herself..

No. 152684

So my ex reached out to me last night saying how he misses me and hopes we can give it another shot. Thing is, he ended up leaving me for another girl. But the other thing is, it was kind of my fault.

I am basically emotionally stunted (though I have been working on this via a therapist since the split) and would be hot/cold constantly thought the 6 or so months we dated. Toward the end he was asking me to be his girlfriend / go public as a couple, but because I’m a shithead I kept dodging an answer. Looking back I did unfairly string him along, I was just intimidated by my feelings for him - I had never liked a guy as much as I liked him. Guess he eventually got tired of waiting around for me, started talking more with a friend of his and decided to try a relationship with her instead.

They didn’t last long (I think because he didn’t really have feelings for her) and apparently they split on good terms a few months ago and he’s been single since.

I really miss him. Won’t lie, I was devastated when he left me for this other girl but after reflecting I can see all the mistakes I made. Now he wants to try again and I do too, but, am I being totally unrealistic here? Am I just getting scared again? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I just want to love and feel loved, why am I so self sabotaging!

No. 152685

While normally questions like "should I get back with an ex" are an automatic NO in my head, your situation is so specific I'd actually lean towards maybe yes? Just be aware that your fear and avoidance are not magically gone, once you get together with him it all is very likely to come back to you. But it definitely wouldn't hurt to at least try rekindling the relationship you had before, he clearly is interested in you, just be honest with him about how you felt in the past and how you feel now.

No. 152687

>Stupid bitch.
Nta but can't we have just one serious thread where we don't act like this?

No. 152688

I would normally say exes are too messy but technically he's not a full on ex. You will still have that issue of an underlying feeling of having been rejected/abandoned though. (he walked away from me once before, he chose her over me etc)

Do you feel emotionally well enough to deal with those nagging feelings if or when they pop up?

No. 152690

File: 1601114674401.jpeg (20.07 KB, 275x216, 1B344655-8E0C-4603-BD8C-A61B87…)

My bf and I have different political beliefs. We do agree on a few things but disagree on others. This isn’t a dealbreaker for me, but tonight, he brought up abortion for some reason (I’m pro-choice, he’s pro-life). He ended up saying that if he were with someone, got her pregnant, and she decided to have an abortion, then he would break up with her. I’m a virgin and wouldn’t have unprotected sex unless I wanted a kid, but I guess hearing him say that just gave me sort of a bad/sad feeling? Ofc I don’t think anything like that would ever happen to me, but I’m just not sure how to feel about what he said. I just felt awkward and bad the rest of the night.

No. 152691

It sounds like he has a huge ego, to value his undeveloped offspring higher than his girlfriend. This is a huge red flag if I‘ve ever seen one and I would be livid if I were you.

No. 152693

Uhhh, this is a tough one, I'm so sorry anon. It's fine to have some different opinions but abortion is one of these topics on which it's really really important to align since it's not 100% impossible it will not become relevant at some point. You can try to educate him, maybe there's a chance he just doesn't have enough knowledge to see why being pro-choice is so important?

No. 152695

Your bf doesn't believe in women's bodily autonomy and is in favour of forced birthing? I should hope you have a stronger negative reaction than 'sort of a bad/sad feeling' jesus christ. Like… that's straight up loathsome, to the point that you can confidently say he's a bad person who hates women. It's not the sort of political difference that you should 'agree to disagree' on.

No. 152696

I don't view men saying this shit as just having 'different political opinions'

Even if you are celebate til marriage and you plan your kids out…if you decide you can only handle so many kids and one more surpise pregnancy slips in there…you'd have to fight this man for your right to bodily autonomy. Would he divorce you?

I've seen women with postnatal depression stuck in that exact position. It's not just political. Once you're with him it becomes very personal. If you're ever planning to start having sex with him you can't really agree to disagree on this.

No. 152698

He said that even if a couple DOES use protection and the woman still gets pregnant, that they should “deal with the consequences of their actions.” It just makes me wonder if he even would ever want to have sex if that’s how he feels? The idea of being forced to give birth against my will sounds horrifying but even when I convey that to him, he still cares about the fetus more. It’s just hard because I’m so attached and I really do care for him. I’ll talk to him about it.

No. 152699

By that logic you should stay celebate and fuck a handful of times in your entire lifetime, only at the times you're actively trying to conceive. Is he happy with that plan?

No. 152700

Exactly. He had sex with his ex when he was in college and they weren’t married or anything. I just feel sad and confused.

No. 152701

I'd be careful with men like that trying to trap you.

No. 152702

he feels this way because he is only seeing the idea of a child through a male perspective, something a lot of emotionally immature and self-centred men do. He's not able to understand the physically, emotional and mental task carrying a child to birth is for a woman.

Honestly imo this is a huge issue to disagree on, and I would absolutely split over it myself. He has basically laid down an ultimatum for you if you get pregnant, why would you want to be with such a selfish guy?

No. 152703

I'm confused that premarital sex is fine with him..I mean he's really picking and choosing which oldschool morals he wants to hold himself to. He can't keep his virginity til marriage but you have to spend twenty years dealing with the consequences of sex… I call bullshit.

You keep any baby of his and he'll either be a deadbeat dad or he'll use it to abuse you. He can't empathise with women. I would bail.

No. 152704

Yeah, and he only was with his ex for a few months too. So he’d be okay with starting a family with someone he’d only known for a few months if she had gotten pregnant? It just sounds crazy to me… he’s asleep right now but I sent him a long message about my concerns. How he responds will matter a lot.

No. 152705

This isn't really one of those things that a couple can disagree on, like say toilet lid down vs up. This is a pretty big deal, I'm curious what else you disagree on and how you can tolerate being with someone with different political beliefs.

No. 152706

Hard agree.

I know you said it isn't a dealbreaker but I'd get out. Since you said you're a virgin I assume you haven't been together for a long time, I'd cut my losses now. There's men with political opinions you agree with.

> He can't keep his virginity til marriage but you have to spend twenty years dealing with the consequences of sex… I call bullshit.

No. 152707

Nta but this reminded me of something I watched on youtube a few months back (wish I had the link to share) A guy who had a rocky relationship with his gf. They were already broken up when she discovered she was pregnant. He went all out begging her to keep the baby and saying he'd raise it alone. They came to that agreement.

She gave birth, moved states to continue with college/career. She sent a cheque every month but kept to the agreement of not being in the kids life. The guy had a part time job and his parents provided free childcare for him. The kid was about 2 1/2 when they filmed this and my god did the man whinge about how he had given up his life. He was one tenth of the way into raising this kid, she did exactly what he requested. He was actually in a better position than alot of single moms that I know (free childcare from nearby and heavily involved grandparents)

I think he somehow expected the mom to change her mind, raise the child and just give him fun weekend visits. He felt very sorry for himself and complained about wanting to date but the baby getting in the way lol

No. 152708

Stay strong, anon. If he’s unwilling to compromise, I’d say it’d be better for you to cut your losses. He doesn’t sound like a caring, empathetic man you should lose your virginity to (and maybe some day have a family with). There’s other men out there, who actually care about their girlfriends’ perspective and wellbeing.

No. 152710

really proud of you for standing your ground and explaining your feelings anon, keep us updated.

No. 152711

Thank you anons, ily

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