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Trouble in paradise? We've got your back.
If they have their own separate rooms in where they live I wouldn't think twice about it, seen many cases of opposite gender friends / acquaintances living together in my student years. And same as >>145330
said, even if they have history it might not be a bad thing depending on their relationship now, I lived with my ex for a year after break up because we were very good friends prior and remained very good friends after, but I'd never want anything intimate with him anymore and there was no issue with any of us seeing other people.
So yeah, imho not a red flag but ofc it's gonna be good if you know more.
I would save time and run now. He's way too old and too much time has passed for him to still hold those feelings and to still get pleasure from calling her a slut.
I dated a 30-something year old who had nothing positive to say about any of his exes and while describing his ex (who had legitimate mental health issues, CSA trauma) he'd sometimes refer to as a crazy bitch.. I kick myself for not taking that massive hint of what was to come with him.
Guys will never change for a woman. If he were to stay like that for the rest of his life, would you still want him? Do you really want a man who refuses to see you? If he really wanted to, he would.
You're a kissless virgin because you wasted your years on him. I did that too and only had my first kiss at 21 when I got over him. I regret wasting so much time.
There are so many great men out there but you're dodging all of them because of this idiot.
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I was in similar situation. Imo you should meet up with the person you are talking to online as soon as possible (maximum 3-6 months, not 3 YEARS). Especially if it's your first relationship. There are some things that you can't predict, like if you'll be really attracted to them, if you'll understand n like their body language, if they are respectful towards others, if they smell nice, etc. He had three years to sort himself out and change for you, but he still hasn't made any progress. Are you willing to wait another three years just to see if he will be able to stand up to his parents?
I met a really wonderful guy irl soon after I stopped talking to that online guy. I'm sure you'll also find the ambitious, driven guy you want. You still have plenty of time. "E-relationship" is honestly a joke compared to what you can experience with an actual person irl.
I was also in a similar situation where I never had a relationship at age 19 and I really wanted to date and meet with an online guy. the sad thing about all my relationships (online and irl) is that the guy never/hardly would want to travel to me and I would make all the effort. It's best if you get with a guy who's willing to travel to you.
Also I agree with going to see him 3 months to a year after talking. If you leave it for too long (like my friend did with his ex gf, he never met his online girlfriend of 5 years) he would most likely cheat because he can't control his dick for long enough.
please update us anon! i think you should definitely give him a chance, he sounds cute/respectful.
hope you didn't reject him harshly the first time.
Thanks guys, think I might as well go for it. I didn't expect so many responses. Will update when he comes back into the shop.
I'm 25, he's 22, remains to be seen if he is as mature as he seems because I generally don't like anyone younger than me. I didn't reject him harshly, just said something awkward like 'I'm good, I don't really like dating,' and continued being friendly and more personal as I had been (uncharacteristic of me). He had no problem calling in to make that order after I had already said no so can't imagine he was too put out by my response.
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Forgot to attach pic and of course, I meant to write bf *
>>146380>all my bad news were affecting him to the point of him feeling sick
my reading of this is that he doesn't want to deal with you when you're sad, because it's too much work for him. he's manipulated you into not talking about it.>>146381
if i was your gf and i hadn't spoken to you in a week, and you say you 'felt like you weren't going to make it', i would be really concerned and just generally say the opposite of what this guy said. this guy does not seem like he cares tbh.
sorry anon this dude is not supportive at all, you're not thinking too much.
My dude, this is not cool. If he's incapable of being supportive when you're clearly in distress and going through a rough time, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with you at all.
It is not normal or healthy to feel you have to completely avoid difficult subjects with your partner. That's literally one of the major reasons people even HAVE significant others in the first place, to know someone will be there for them through thick and thin (and vice versa). >>146383
It's totally fine to be the type who does better in person, but if that was the case and her partner wasn't an asshat he would say, "Hey babe, I want to be there for you but I'd really prefer to talk face to face. I feel like I can't fully give you my support over text." Not just dismiss/ignore her troubles entirely.
Genuinely not meaning to sound snarky, but why would you assume you weren’t just “an option” after only one date? In the current dating scene it’s common for people to cast their nets wide and meet a bunch of different prospects to get a feel for them. Once you’ve gone on several dates (if it gets that far) and discuss where you both see things headed then you could expect more, but before that I wouldn’t presume exclusivity at all.
Also 3 texts a day is a lot for some people, hell I can barely muster a few words for my dearest friends when I’m super busy at work, dealing with responsibilities, feeling exhausted. And some people aren’t good with texting at all.
I’m just saying you shouldn’t presume he’s not interested based on his texting habits alone. It’s way too hard to presume much of anything about a person after meeting them once. That being said, I think people make time for those they’re really interested in, so if he wasn’t actively trying to schedule another date after a week+ he’s probably not too serious. (Unless there are big extenuating circumstances.)
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I share an apartment with my boyfriend, and though he loves me and does a lot for me, I don't know if I can stay with him.
1. I'm often repulsed by his humor and he doesn't get my jokes.
2. I often feel that we "speak different languages", or have a totally different worldview.
3. There's been instances where I felt manipulated and/or treated badly, even though the last time something really weird happened was several months ago (like him throwing a fit when I told him that I wanted to use a condom).
4. We have fights several times a day most of the time.
Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to break up, because I've been an asshole too (like being drunk and angry) and he does a lot for me (cooks, drives me places), because I'm over it, but I don't know.
I just don't know how I can do it, since I still care a lot about him.
I mean, I'm pretty much the only one he has and we live together, so actually breaking up will be very hard. I just don't know how to do it without pussying out and getting back together in the process, since I still have love for him, even though I might feel that he's not "the one" (if such a thing even exists).
How the fuck do I make up my mind and either work on our problems or go through with breaking up? I'm constantly obsessively thinking about this and I just have no fucking energy left. Sometimes I wish he'd just say something so unforgivable that I'd have an actual reason to break up.
I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone out there has been in a similar situation and has some advice, I'd be very grateful.
>>146558>fighting several times a day
Get out of there anon. In my experience, as soon as you start to actually consider leaving there's no saving the relationship. You wouldn't think about leaving this much if you loved him enough to spend the rest of your life with him. It sounds like you're staying with him out of habit and because he makes your life easy by doing things for you.
Also, getting mad at using a condom? What's the context? That's really weird.
Totally agree. One of the top signs of a toxic
relationship is when fighting this frequently becomes normalized. That is not normal or okay, anon. Healthy relationships may include disagreements where you both respectfully discuss things with each other, but even those happen rarely when two people are right for each other.
You don't need to look for more reasons to break up. You have plenty of them, and they're very legitimate. Also, if the relationship is so great and worth saving, why are you the only one trying to address these issues? He is just as culpable but seems perfectly fine letting them sit while you struggle with this stress alone. Not worth it.
I've seen a lot of people, especially women, stay in bad relationships due to your reasoning. "But I still love him, and he relies on me/I'm the main person in his life." Not your problem. You will likely be surprised just how easily he moves on when he's forced to. If you really care about him then you need to stop enabling his shitty behavior. You staying in general is telling him, "Yeah, I can do whatever I want and pick fights with anon all the time, and she'll still stick around." That's not good for you nor something you should be "teaching" him.
Anon, he didn't want to bring you home and have sex because he was tired, but did anyway because you wanted to… and now you're upset because he's probably catching up on sleep after not getting any and then working the next day?
I don't understand how "I don't really want to take you home and have sex today because I'm tired" = he got sex and is now fucking off. It's not like he was pushing you to have sex and is now ghosting you.
from how I look at it, both ways are realistically possible (either he was really tired like he said, or he got his sex and bailed). Now you just need time to see how it plays out.
>I have a hard time wrapping my head around this because i always show love to my SO no matter how tired
I know for me personally though, when I'm really tired I need everyone to fuck off including my SO and leave me alone, it's not uncommon.
No, he dumped anon because he felt he did something he didn't want to do.
And if there's anything that will doom you quicker in a man's mind, it's them feeling like you forced them to do something for you. Even if they benefited temporarily from that thing (the benefit here being sex, the devaluation of anon was blaming her for his locked out keys).
Anon I know you're hurt but it's good riddance. He didn't care about you at all. You'd only be subjected to these stupid manchild games throughout the relationship.
Ugh. Men are fucking awful sometimes. I wish they'd talk about their problems. >>146704
Guys often act enthusiastic and do shit then completely change their minds. Have you ever promised to do something or bought something on impulse then regretted it? Men are like that all the time for everything.
shit fuck that guy, i'm sorry anon, if he didn't want to take you home he should have just stuck to that instead of being a passiveaggressive little bitch
he def wanted sex. you didn't pressure him into anything. so what you were disappointed, you're allowed to be disappointed, it's on him for making judgment against his own sleep deprivation.
yet he totally blamed you for his inconveniences. he has communication and commitment issues and unwillingness to take any responsibility, good riddance!
I’ve never been so blindsided by a breakup before. Like I wouldn’t have been surprised if this guy told me he loves me at any minute. I’d give anything just to have it go back to the way it was.
I think it was my fault. On the way to his place I got really quiet and he asked me what’s wrong. I told him I was uncomfortable because I could tell he didn’t really want me to come over. He assured me that it was ok but I stayed quiet and uncomfortable until we got to his place. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. Then I started to relax and things were ok again. Then on the drive home he got quiet and that’s when this whole thing started. I wish I hadn’t been weird and anxious and fucking stupid.
The worst part is that I texted him to ask him why he didn’t think it would work out, and he never texted me back. Such a slap in the face
No no no no. Please don't play that game and let his inability to communicate like an adult trick you into believing this is your fault somehow. Honestly this was such a minuscule and utterly meaningless thing for him to get his panties twisted over, he clearly did not have the brain cells required to be in a relationship anyway. It is no great loss to you at all.
>Bro says doing thing is okay but seems reluctant>Girl says he seems reluctant, tells him it's okay to back out >Bro assures her everything is good then broods when girl actually takes him at his word>Bro breaks up with girl for believing what he told her
In what universe does that remotely make sense? And now he can't even manage to have an honest conversation with you about what his damage is, likely because he has no clue himself. He is the definition of a manchild anon, be glad he fucked off.
Some people will turn on you at the slightest bit of discomfort or trouble. You make one "mistake" and instead of communicating their problem or giving you an opportunity to make things right they just use it against you and cut you off. It reeks of immaturity. For the record you did nothing wrong, if he really didn't want you to come over he should have stuck to saying no and not have told you it was okay if it really wasn't, especially when you were giving him an out.
I was one of the anons who replied to your OP and told you he was probably genuinely tired so I apologize for the shitty advice. Just a good reminder to always trust your gut I guess and if it says something's off then it probably is.
Gay? Nah. He's just got obvious issues and blamed anon for ~pressuring~ him into doing something he didn't actually wanna do despite himself agreeing to it. The sex was fine for him sure, but the effort of having to take her back made him twisted because he did not want to do this for her. Then he did something stupid and blamed anon for it. It's like gah, if only he hadn't caved in to that anon's disappointment, clearly she caused him to lock out his keys cause she just couldn't read his mind and go home! Men are this fucked up towards women they don't really care about. Men will treat you this indifferently if they want nothing to do with you and will use ANY reason to get rid of you.
I just had this very thing happen to me. Some scrote recently blamed me for making him "cave" into a relationship when I told him he could either change his relationship status to prove he was serious about me, or that I'd walk away and there would be boundaries with him. Well obviously he wanted my continuing attention, but he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Even though thats what he said to my face and led me on about for a month. So he begrudgingly agreed and I knew it wasn't gonna last. In the meantime he cut off all texting and practically ghosted me. He lasted a week before he texted me to break up. He used me "laughing at him" as the reason because I made him "uncomfortable." Actually I just sent a laugh emoji earlier when he expected me to wait weeks to months for him to make a decision about having a relationship. He used that to extrapolate that I was "laughing at his issues" when all I was doing was laughing at his excuses–which is what they were clearly! See? Now he could say I was a mean bitch to him as the breakup reason instead of being the guy who led me on and said what he didn't mean for his selfish reasons. He had no problem dumping and blocking me. BUT when I told the "just a friend" woman he'd been courting before me about his antics and she blocked him, he frantically called her and begged for her back.
Don't you see? It has nothing to do with a man being gay. It has everything to do with a man not really wanting you. Men do for women they want.
It hurts, but don't internalize it OP. There's nothing you could have done or said differently that would have made this man value you more. If not this issue, he would have used a different incident to dump you. He didn't want you, but needed a better excuse to ditch you so he wouldn't look like the bad guy. I'm sorry this happened to you but at least now you can see it for the bullshit it is.
Um yes, that is creepy. I don't think it's I'm-going-to-murder-you creepy but it is absolutely an overeager type of creepy that would cause me to not go on a second date with a dude. It's a first date. You guys are basically strangers. It's VERY weird to repost a practical strangers selfie or otherwise act so familiar with someone you just met.
Guys who act like that are basically just putting you on a pedestal because they're desperate for a relationship/sex. They aren't seeing the real you, and it could be literally any girl that they would do this to, because it's not about you, it's about the idea of the relationship/sex.
So, I am having trouble gauging where some boundaries should be in my relationship.
I live with my boyfriend of 2 years, who I do love. He is a pretty secure, nice, supportive, good looking guy. we share many of the same values and interests. Things are mostly good but there is something thats been bothering me. he is REALLY into costhots/instathots and he personally knows many.
Before we started dating he had slept with a few medium success cosplayers/instagram/twitch girls most of them were…really skanky. Definitely some people who could be posted in the extreme Photoshop threads too.
Anyway, we are monogamous and I don't have a problem with him looking at porn at all, but he has this fucking obsession with girls and cosplayers he knows, some of whom follow him on socials. He will do everything he can to see their nudes if they're online somewhere. He had a patron for following female "friends'" nudes (some of the girls knew he followed, some of them didn't.) Many of the girls have boyfriends so I don't think he is specifically trying to cheat or anything like that, especially not during a pandemic. He especially likes it when he finds out a costhot follows him.
I find his specific hyperfixation on real girls who follow him, who he knows and talks to sometimes really disgusting. I don't want to go digging though his shit, because that is a major violation of trust, but I see some of his social scouring in our shared computer history. I am not sure if he has a pay onlyfans that he uses to watch his "friends" but i feel like he might.
TLDR: am I super insecure and in the wrong for wanting him to fucking stop looking at nudes of women he personally knows??? It makes me really angry.
IDK why he can't just get off to normal porn of strangers like everyone else.
Anon what the fuck. It’s creepy enough to be super into porn stars, but this internet stalking of people he knows personally is beyond creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s even more to it that you don’t know about. Get some real standards, Christ
Is this some Madonna whore shit or is he just a completely degenerate coomer? This is why you don’t act ok with men watching porn, give an inch…
I agree that it's creepy as fuck. Don't agree that restricting access to reg porn is ok, as I would never stay with a partner who was so controlling of me.
I did search his nsfw account name on OF and found that he made an account with the same profile header and image he uses. I'm thinking of just asking him if he made an account and why to see if he will fess up but it will betray that I have been snooping in our (undeleted) history and I am afraid he is just going to get better at covering his tracks.
Is it worth coming off as a cyberstalker to outright ask in order to open a candid discussion about it?
You know that you can have standards and that they can include men who don’t watch porn? Of course, that only makes sense if you yourself don’t watch it. But don’t let yourself be memed into thinking that having standards is controlling.
Anyway, just bring it up. I doubt it will help, at best he will act sorry and keep doing that shit in private. He’ll more likely get mad and try to turn it on you. You don’t even need to bring up the snooped stuff, just say that his obsession with real people is some sexual predator type shit (you don’t have to use those words, but damn I just can’t imagine tolerating this at all)
Have the balls to break up with him when it goes south, because things will get worse if you don’t
I had a similar problem, my bf was good friends with a insta/costhot who is pretty popular online. I saw she was the top searched on his Instagram one day and called him out for it cuz it’s hella creepy.
He responded by deleting all his socials without me asking, so I kinda forgave.
If I were in your shoes I’d be gone with the wind, you ain’t no cuck
No , hes just a sleazebag . He obviously likes you and cares about you but he wants to have his options open.
I had an ex that did that same shit when I asked what were we, and then some days later this popular/hot guy told me he wanted to bang me so I told my "fwb" that and then I said "i guess i can say yes right?" He changed SO QUICKLY to "no, you're my gf".
Yeah. I appreciate the feedback. If anything, it solidified the idea that I am not being a total psycho to not be ok with that.
Update, I actually did confront him (calmly) and my hand was on his shoulder for a few moments and I could feel his heart fucking POUNDING. He immediately said he signed up bc he was 'curious what one girl was posting that he used to know" and apologized and showed me that it was a free sub and took his credit card info off the site. I told him I was not cool with him paying money to see nudes of people he knows or that I know, and that it is weird. He is a not a confrontational guy and he agreed and said that was fair.
I still don't think he understands that it is uncool that he has so much interest in acquaintances's OF and lewds, but that is a deeper problem.
Anyway I'm going to keep an eye out for sketchy shit now, but i suspect if he is up to anything he is going to work extra hard to keep me from seeing it.
Don't take this the wrong way anon, but you set the wrong tone the second you took over an adult man's responsibility to wake his self out of bed. If he can get out of bed for school or work, then he could do it for you too. The issue at play is that he now takes for granted that you will be the motivator.
The problem now is, now that you see this as a problem, any reasonable criticism or boundary you put up for this behavior will likely end with him thinking you're suddenly a bitch for wanting him to be more responsible for himself.
You can try talking to him, but I doubt this will change. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long but it's not normal.
Looking for some general advice on a complicated situation. I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years, who we'll call Amy. My problem is she refuses to attend any kind of social event with my boyfriend. The reason is that one of her friends, let's call her Bella, used to date my boyfriend. They dated for about 4 months and never became 'official', but I guess the split really upset her, because Amy refuses to be around my boyfriend on her behalf. Afaik he didn't do anything to hurt her, but the split was on his terms. They broke up at the very beginning of the year, and haven't spoken since.
I was sympathetic at first because sure, awkward situations and I didn't want Amy to feel like she was being caught in the middle of something, especially if she felt she needed to support Bella. But we've been together since April now, and I'm not asking her to hang out just the 3 of us, literally just attend some social gatherings like a bbq with loads of other people. My boyfriend has made it clear he won't try to interact with her if she doesn't want him to. But every time I invite her to something, her first response is 'if your boyfriend is there, then no'. Is it unfair of me to expect our friendship to at least mean she'd try to be civil? Do you think with more time, this will pass? I don't want to be made to pick between them because by all means I don't want to lose her, but I guess I'm getting frustrated, I've never dealt with something like this before.
I’m not saying relationships in general aren’t worthwhile anon, of course they can be very meaningful, but everyone is in a weird place with COVID right now. Life will eventually go back to normal and you’ll have a more typical level of social interaction at that point.
Until then and in general, it’s important to find comfort being on your own. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough life and been on your own for a long while, but when you’re desperate for any type of contact at all, that’s how you get stuck in those crappy relationships and accept less than you deserve from people. My humble advice is that you need to find activities and goals that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment in yourself. When you have a base level of contentment then having other people consistently around is a bonus but not a necessity, so you can pick and choose the good ones.
The fact that you have a good job and got into uni in itself is admirable. You’re already doing awesome. There are a lot of crappy guys out there true, but sometimes you have to go through a lot of trash to find the hidden gem. I just hope you prioritize your own growth over a relationship.
This is weird and stupid. It’s not even Amy who used to date your boyfriend, but some third party? Is she 12? Come on.
I would have a heart to heart with her and say that boyfriend is a part of your life now and it hurts that she avoids you because of this relationship. He didn’t do anything wrong to her and it doesn’t even sound like he was dismissive of the friend he used to date. I totally agree that she’s prioritizing this non-issue of existing in the same space as a guy over a 10-year friendship, which is insane.
Ultimately though people are going to do what they want, so if she makes this the hill she wants the friendship to die on, so be it. You aren’t the unreasonable one.
Ugh I'm sorry to hear all this anon, I haaate when people use mental illness as a shield to defend shithead behavior.
I have a mental illness, my boyfriend has a mental illness, several of my friends have fucking mental illnesses… it doesn't mean we go around using other people, lying about our intentions and generally causing pain and suffering to those around us. In fact if anything I try to be extra careful of how I treat others because I know I can't always trust my own perspective. Mental illness may make relationships harder but it's NOT an excuse for bad behavior, especially when you already know about your condition. He should've taken some fucking responsibility for himself like any competent adult would. I'm glad you called him out.
I wasn't specifically on Tinder and it seems that guy was looking for a relationship himself. But maybe I should give a try to not sleep with someone right away, that wouldn't hurt.
Though to be fair, my latest "boyfriend" was a guy I hooked up right away and we then decided to give dating a try while being exclusive. He was very nice and honest, but I still broke it off within a month because we didn't really mesh as a couple.
I'm not even against a potential FWB situation but I still need someone who'd show basic respect and not just text me whenever he wants his dick wet or ghost me out of the blue. Maybe I should try dating men in their late 30s.
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Does anyone here have experience with couples therapy?
How long had you been together? What made you try it? Did it help?
I'm telling you this from experience, and because I want to help you. Any man who respects you would not be FWB or hook up on the first date. Men know that any time they have sex with you, there's a chance of getting you pregnant. A good man would respect the difficult position that puts you in and never
push for it. But most men are shitheads. Because there's almost no risk to them
, they don't care. I'm afraid for you because you described a man you knew for a month as nice and honest, as if that was enough time to truly know, and knowing that men tend to pretend to be decent men to get laid quickly. You're valuable and you deserve a respectful guy. Please be careful.
I haven't personally anon, but a close friend has and she's still with her boyfriend. I was there through all the chaos and I can see they're genuinely happy now, so yes, it helped. As in all instances of therapy, you genuinely have to desire change for it to work. The therapist isn't magically going to fix everything, and to be blunt they know jack shit about you and your partner at the start, so the process is really about them trying to help you help yourselves. That can't work if one or both of you is just trying to prove the other wrong, hoping the other person will do all the work, doesn't believe they actually need to be there, etc. Some reluctance and discomfort is understandable at first, but overall everyone should be on board and agree there's an issue you both need to put effort in to fix.
They'd been together for several years before they went. The issue was a mix of the boyfriend having trust issues from his prior relationship, anger and too much drinking. Girlfriend had her own trust issues, was a bit too controlling and took everything personally, even in times when there was truly no reason for it. They're much more understanding of each other these days, though that wasn't only thanks to therapy but open communication, doing their own reading/self improvement and a desire to get better.
Well, I’ve been for 5 years with my bf, one of long distance and we couldn’t be more happy together.>>147393
If you hate texting I’d say it’s not worth it since it’s double the work communication wise. It’s hard and I wouldn’t recomment it unless you’re absolutely sure he’s your soulmate and both parts dedicate yourselves to the other.
I went through this exact experience anon. The choice is yours, and I would factor in a number of things. How strong is your relationship outside of this experience? Do you generally have good communication? Did the two of you discuss porn usage prior to this happening (did you both decide if it was allowed or not in the relationship)?
I'm fine with my boyfriend viewing porn because I have used it in the past as well, albeit infrequently. So long as we have a healthy sex life and he's keeping his usage private, it was fine. But when I was depressed we also had a lot less sex, and so I felt like he allowed the porn to replace our own intimacy. That being said, he doesn't have a lot of experience around depressed people and it's a hard thing for a lot of partners to understand. He told me that because I was less "present" he himself felt unwanted, so approaching me for sex felt strange. The porn was a quick and easy way to orgasm, but there were no emotions tied to it. It was an impersonal tool, he wasn't joining people's OnlyFans accounts or talking to other women.
Did he handle it the best way? No, I would rather he came to me and expressed himself so we could've addressed the lack of connection he felt, rather than him letting his own feelings further pull us apart. But imo porn is less about actual desire than just a means to an end. If your boyfriend isn't using it now or is using it less and your sex life is back to normal, then I'd tell himyou'd rather he be more open with you during difficult times instead of closing off like that. Depression is a tough thing for a lot of people to grasp and not take personally.
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Have you ever dated an autistic man?
What were your experiences? I might need help.
I had an aspergers friend develop feelings for me and while we didn't date he seemed to convince himself that we were dating. He had issues around respecting boundaries, especially when it came to touch and oversharing his porn tastes with me. Got to the point where I couldn't keep up the friendship so I moved house and never told him my new address. Heard years later that he still regularly told people he'd been callously dumped by me. Again we weren't dating and I even had a bf at the time.
Met another aspergers male years later and was only friendly with him through a class we took together.. he started to overshare talk of his masturbation habits with me and it was basically a repeat of the first guy but without the stalking this time. I now work in a field full of them and I'm very cautious because it seems enough of them suffer with those same issues.
growing up with an autistic father has taught me one very important lesson: never get into (any sorts of) relationship with an autistic man.
Men are already shitty enough creatures to begin with and finding one who's good is already hard enough, I genuinely don't see why you would voluntarily get yourself involved with a man who's autistic on top of that, sorry anons who are dating autists. The risk is not worth it.
Samefag, in addition: I believe you also need to think on the long-term just to be safe. Do you potentionally want biological kids in the future? If so, do you want to risk getting kids with autism? Autism is largely caused by genetics. A coworker of mine has a husband and three children all with aspergers, they make the poor woman's life very very tough.
In short, in my opinion dating an autistic man is never a good idea.
Yeah, I don't know about your boyfriends specific mental health issues but it does sound like he could be trying more. It's definitely ok to cancel on occassion but at this point it sounds like he's using it as an easy way out. A relationship is give and take after all. Mental illness is hard but he needs to suck it up some days. He might even end up feeling a bit better. Mental health is rarely helped from just staying at home honestly. I bet you would be willing to make plans around how he feels as well. I don't know how often you see each other, that's another factor here, I guess.
Basically I would tell him that you are understanding of his issues but that you feel hurt when he abruptly cancels so often as it feels for you like you're investing more than he is? Just talk about it from your perspective, no blame-language and just reiterate how much you care and he should understand
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It's almost impossible for me to meet anyone I would be open to getting know/getting comfortable around and I finally met someone recently, for the first time since the last date I went on which was dec 2019. I'm pretty sure tho they have lost all interest in me after just 4 dates, which is exactly when I started to really like them. I'm so depressed, I thought I was finally ascending from being a femcel. I don't even know weather we had any long term potential, I'm just so sad that I wont even get a chance to find out or get to know him better because I really started to feel comfortable and enjoy time I spent with him. I don't know what I did wrong because he seemed really interested in me originally and that interest has decreased, tbh I think the main issue is a huge difference in education and IQ (in his favor) and also the fact that he has a significant career in STEM and I don't have shit going on in my life rn because of coronavirus, but then IDK why he bothered to even spend more then 1-2 dates with me, like it was pretty obvious from the get go. The saddest part is I don't think he really understood that I'm shy and thinks Im not particularly attracted him or into him when I am, but I feel I have no avenue to communicate that now without sounding weird. How do I keep from being extremely depressed and crying?
been dating an autistic guy for a year now, slight red flags showing but we're at the point where we say I love you
I'm slightly autistic myself, (but it does manifest differently in females) and don't want kids. still an awful idea to continue? I know I won't do better in a while and I have no friends whatsoever where I live. halp
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My boyfriend and I are about to move. We're not poor but we don't have a super high income either. I want to save money and he wants to take out a 1500€ loan on his credit card for the move. I'm generally not into loaning money or paying stuff off, either you can save up for it or you obviously cannot afford it and then you just end up paying more because of interest. How do you guys suggest we talk about this and maybe compromise? I would be fine with him taking out a small loan if we need it last minute but as he just paid off his credit card debt I don't really want him to go down that road again. It seems so unnecessary to me. Any advice?
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Late, but I tried with a four-year relationship that was on its last leg after my ex broke the engagement. We lived with each other for two months before he went into a deep depression because he didn't want to fuck one woman forever. I was desperate to hold onto him so I convinced him to give it a try.
Imo couples therapy helps to open communication, not fix it. If you feel even a little bit that you aren't right for each other, I'd save your money. At our second session, the therapist made us think of a list of our individual values and wrote it on the chalkboard. They were very different and most clashed with each other. I remember right after we left, I just started crying in the elevator and my ex silently hugged me. We both knew it was dead.
At the time, I blamed the therapist for wedging our differences but honestly it was inevitable.
Need some advice about how to communicate something that annoys me without saying it in a rude way… my boyfriend has a habit of constantly talking about stories from high school or earlier in his life and it's starting to really annoy me (as awful as that sounds). From what I've gathered, he peaked in high school and I can't count the number of times he's told me the same stories about how the senior girls loved him and babied him when he was a freshman, stories about how someone wronged him in high school, stories about things he used to do with his friends in high school… it feels like we could be talking about any subject and somehow he will find a way to relate it back to something that happened in high school. We're talking about a crime that happened in the area? Well, he knew three people in high school who ended up committing a crime and will describe their entire backstories to me. We're talking about kayaking? Oh, well when he was vacationing in Maui with his best friend as a kid, they went kayaking and they did this and they did that. It ends up shutting down the conversation because no matter what we're talking about, it turns into storytime about earlier in his life that I've already heard before, so I sit there silently and no longer want to talk about what the original topic was. I'm aware that he had some hardships as a kid so he is probably latched on to the years of his life that did feel safe and happy, which is why he keeps talking about them.
I'm aware that I sound bitchy because its good that he wants to share his experiences and life with me, but it becomes frustrating when he rarely asks me about MY life growing up. When I am talking about my own life or something bad that happened to me as a kid, he follows up by telling me about how much fun he had doing something similar as a kid. If I tell him about how my parents strongly controlled my food intake growing up and it led to me having problems as an adult, he'll respond by saying that his parents let him eat whatever he wanted growing up and he never had any rules. When this happens, how do I respectfully redirect the conversation without saying something like "I know, you've told me this story before, your growing years were so amazing, I don't want to hear it again." Or how do I bring this annoyance/concern up in a constructive way? I don't want to hurt him.
Q: Is it a yellow flag if a new bf invites you to do a vacation you've wanted for your birthday and then says that you'll have to pay for some of it?
Backstory: Met this older guy off OLD, so far he's been respectful and had paid for my dates and surprises me with thoughtful gifts. Genuinely seems interested in getting to know me and texts and talks every day to me. He seems to want the same relationships goals as I do. However I'm not altogether impressed by his job prospect, I think he's stuck to a job that's comfortable but is hesitant to push himself harder to make more money.
Anyways, he knew that I love the beach because I had talked about it, and proposed a weekend getaway on the coast for my birthday which is coming up. I was really excited, he picked out a few places through his own ambition and ran them by me, however he did tell me I would have to pay for a little bit because it would've been tough on him to budget for everything. And obviously, that's due to the fact that he gets paid the same amount that I do and ergo doesn't make a hell of a lot to cover a full trip alone. He's covering the extra deposit on the place, and I'm assuming he's calculating for taking me out on dates and other things which require money while we're there, plus the gas to travel.
So maybe it's not entirely unreasonable? I don't think I'm being greedy, but I'm just so fearful of men taking financial advantage of me like others have done in the past.
I'm preferring to reframe this in my mind as this: What if I attempted to make this trip alone for myself? Technically I'd be paying more cause I'd have to pay entirely for myself, food, and gas. So it's still possible to have a good time in this man's company for cheaper than I would if I were to take this as a red flag and go myself.
What does lolcow think? Is this reasonable?
I get where you are coming from. I had an ex who in the beginning was generous with paying for things. Then after a while I noticed a pattern of him planning a date to treat me..then springing me with some of the cost once we are already there. It rubbed me the wrong way that he was the one planning it, calling it treating me and then basically instructing me to get my wallet out for certain parts of the 'treat' It came off as controlling behaviour under the guise of being generous. It all depends on whether you've been asked and informed in advance. If he already booked something and then landed you with part of the bill after already booking.. that's a flag. If he asks you from the start that seems fine.
I don't know what OLD is but if he's an older guy and he's dating a younger out of his league woman then vain as this sounds.. it would be more typical for an older guy to just pay and know that he's being reimbursed by having someone so out of his league entertain him.. maybe you guys are dating seriously though, I dunno.
Thanks for your reply! I'm sorry about your former relationship, anon.
I will probably look into doing relationship counceling once we have enough money saved up. I've had some thoughts that we don't fit but I'm also very willing to make it work and my bf is as well, so it would be a shame not to at least try it.
Oh yeah I didn't mean to imply that I thought he was just taking my money for the hell of it. He's been transparent insofar as asking upfront and showing me the invoice.
I should have worded my concern like this anon here >>148183
, my actual concern is what this may snowball into down the line. It was just weird to me for him to offer to take me somewhere as a treat but then say that I'd have to pay for part of it. He's doing it enough in advance, but I just thought older men from OLD(on line dating) might be more financially secure to not need to ask. I was just making sure that
sounded normal but evidently it's common. And like I said, I'm sure he's probably calculating his cost for gas and food while we're there so it's not like he's cheating me in some way. I'm just so, so cautious due to how my last ex was towards me regarding travel–I busted my butt to take us both to Japan through my job but during the trip he was a pennypincher and didn't even appreciate that I was the one who got us to Japan. He treated me like shit but then had the audacity to act like he made a meaningfully contribution to it despite the fact that I did all the heavy financial planning and mental/literal labor for it.
Have you asked yourself why you think those men are boring?
I put it to you, anon, that the main reason why you think your abusive
ex was better was because he kept you on an emotional roller coaster where the lows were so fucking bad that the momentary hills of happiness seemed better than they actually were by comparison. It's a mind trick and gaslighting. You may be over him, but it sounds like you still crave the 'excitement' of a toxic
relationship that you were conditioned to crave.
What if we told you that having stabilized feelings and a sense of consistency–albeit boring–is actually normal? Sis other people will understand you and treat you better out there.
Tbh, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, but I find "breaks" rarely go well, particularly when you don't have an established timeline or agreement for how you guys are going to go about things to make the relationship better. And especially when he is tasking you with needing to undergo some very serious change - if you have legit anxiety that's something that's going to take months of therapy to genuinely work through, same for him working through his depression. If you are seriously determined to make this work then I think you guys need to very specifically address what the issues are in the relationship and exactly what you're going to be doing to work through it and determine some sort of check in point like a month down the line so you guys aren't in limbo forever. And like >>148209
said, no contact during the break and keep your expectations low for getting back together.
Girl stop being goofy. I mean that in the nicest and most empathetic way possible because I've been there, done that. Cut him out of your life and move on, it's the only way. I know it's easier said than done, especially when he feels like he's your life right now and the only person that can make you feel good, but you are worth so much more than a guy who would destroy you like that. I promise you, one day you will look back and think wtf was I doing sacrificing so much of myself for a guy who would treat me like that? Turn to friends, cultivate yourself, your life, your hobbies, make plans to look forward to, get into therapy if you need to. This dude is nothing.
Man it's like looking in a mirror. I've been here too, seems a common thing. Guess what, you're codependent. Get therapy for that or read some books on it. It's not normal for another person to be the entire crux of your happiness and self worth. I get it, believe me, your self esteem is tied to that idiot's whims which is why you're so fragile right now. That's why you have to work on overcoming the things he told you and find your own sense of peace.
Definitely cut all contact with him. He will only drag you down and distract you from rebuilding your confidence, even as a "friend." Maybe take a break from dating in general. You don't seem to be in the right place for a relationship right now.
anon are you me?
seriously though, the advice people have given you is excellent. me and my ex broke up over a year ago and i still have problems with this because i ignored it for so long. i mean, i'm over him, but i'm still subconsciously fucked up because of things he did. i'm not trying to scare you though, i just don't want you making the mistakes i did post breakup.
it's good that you're recognizing he was abusive
. now cut him off. he doesn't deserve your friendship or an explanation. and please go to therapy if you aren't already. it doesn't work for everyone but it was so helpful for me. and i only even went in because he made me think i was a bpdfag lol. i still have my doubts but i might've never even recognized that what happened was wrong if it wasn't for therapy. and it might be eye opening for you in similar ways.
stop dating and looking for someone to replace him. they're all gonna be boring because they aren't gonna be him. focus on yourself, focus on female friendships. you got this and i wish you the best.
>>148242>stop dating and looking for someone to replace him. they're all gonna be boring because they aren't gonna be him. focus on yourself, focus on female friendships. you got this and i wish you the best.
NTA but what if I have the same issue cause I am looking for a female friend and not only I have no idea how/where to look, the few potential friends were boring AF to me cause they were nothing like my past ~soulmate~ bestfriend? It kills me that I lost her and I am so alone. I don't want to meet her clone, just someone else who would get me.
Sage for slight offtopic
Thank you so much for your kind words.
It's been 3 years since my friend ended our friendship and I am still all alone while she moved on immediately to a new bestfriend that fit her better in that moment. It still hurts bad. I am socially retarded and have no idea how to make friends, even on the internet. I am in therapy but it's not helping yet. I just want an intimate friendship with another weirdo woman again…
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I can't tell if this advice is terrible or amazing
Not gonna lie anon you went a bit autistic there, especially with the up and leaving part. You could have whispered something to your boyfriend before leaving.
Some people are loud and some people are bad at including new strangers into a group (that goes for friends too who will start discussing other friends and inside jokes with no regards to people left out).
Next time pick one conversation, the one your bf is into for example, and insert yourself by asking basic questions like “Who’s that? / She did what? / Oh she went to this school?”, most likely they’ll fill you in.
If you want to fix your first impression, go back next time with some sweets or something you baked, it always goes well.
I appreciate your honesty, I think I said I need to leave, I’ll be 2 minutes and then I walked out. I don’t know if he heard me tho. I feel so fucking embarrassed and before I left I went back in and said goodbye to everyone. It was far far far too much for a first meeting. I don’t want to meet his whole family the first time I’m round at his house. They were like play fighting and calling each other names in jest and it made me uncomfortable because I don’t think you should do that with a guest in. I dunno if I should keep seeing him, I don’t know if I can show my face around him again. It was for hours I was just sitting there and I didn’t want to be super forward because I didn’t know them and I find that rude. Idk anon I’m stressing out, I’ve been messaging him all day and he’s been responding as usual so that’s good I just don’t know what he sees in me.
I’ve had really bad experiences with guys.
Thanks anon, it was just so uncomfortable. I’m there to see him and spend time with him not his whole family, it was just super cringe worthy.
My bf is super energetic as well so that didn’t help, I’m an extrovert but that was just far too much for me. I hope he doesn’t dump me because I’m scared he’ll just get bored of me or that’ll be the final straw. I’m glad you understand
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This might sound bad but I have a boyfriend who I love a ton and I would never let him go. Lately I found myself having crushes on fictional characters and being attracted to "weirder" hentai pictures I see (like fangs, blood etc). I've never really been a sexual person or someone who's liked these sort of things ever. I recently starting having a crush on a guy in some random discord server I'm in and of course I won't act on it but I get the "butterflies" from it quite a bit. I don't talk to the guy but it's more of the thought of him. I've been with my boyfriend maybe 6 years now and he's my first kiss sex everything. I keep having my mind drift to "what if I was single, could party, could talk and do things with others." I feel incredibly guilty and I'd feel so jealous if my boyfriend felt this way of course. What do I do? I feel the guilt but I feel like I need to ease this feeling somehow.
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on and off bf of 2 years. i am in gut wrenching pain.
we just spent a blissful week together, he held me, kept telling me he loves me, needs me and that i’m cute. i have no idea what’s going on. i’m not fat, i’m about 130lbs. and i was heavier when we first met 2 years ago.
i don’t recognise him
what the fuck do i do. i want to save our relationship. what the hell is this. what the fuck is going on
i’m not going to break up with him. how do i fix this, what on earth does he even mean
i just really adore him and we have a long mostly good, at times euphoric history together. we broke up for a few months and i couldn’t take it, i tried to kill myself. i can’t live without him. all my friends disapprove and say he’s bad for me, but there’s no one else out there for me. he is my world.
trust me i find it disgusting how he’s talking to me too. but i don’t want to die alone or be without him ever again.
i don’t know what to do, i feel so trapped. i’m so attached. i could never leave.
He won't change, he now knows just how much pain he puts you through when he threatens to leave… so look what he does, he enjoys making you squirm by threatening you after love bombing the fuck out of you right beforehand…
Every woman on earth is above this man and deserving of better. Don't let him warp your perceptions so badly that we all see him as a clear shitstain and you defend his abuse. He is your abuser.
Would you say something like that to someone you love?
What advice would you give a friend if their bf said something like that to them?
He is the problem. There is no fix. Sometimes it's better to be alone. This is that time. No one here is going to tell you otherwise.
>>148907>I believe that he genuinely wants to date me and loves me
Anon even if that were the case, it doesn't excuse his horrible treatment of you. Loving a person doesn't justify abuse, period. You are in a textbook abusive
relationship. The fact that you don't see this and insist instead that you "need to fix this" is all the proof any of us need.
I don't even think you truly love this guy. You mention that you feel "euphoric" around him, that you almost killed yourself when you were broken up with him. That's not love, that's obsession. That's a sick, unhealthy sort of longing. These feelings are usually likely triggered
by some sort of abandonment trauma that you haven't healed from.
The text you posted here >>148877
is horrific. This is outright sadism and a blatant attempt to control you. I actually dated someone very similar to this for about a year. I did everything in my power to "fix things," to be the girl he wanted me to be. I bent over backwards to accommodate his needs. He ended up raping me, twice. He tried to black mail me by posting a public blog full of nude photos of me.
Your bf will not change. You need to leave him. It's not going to be easy at first, but you will survive. I did, and things are going much better for me now. I'm actually in a healthy relationship with someone who I trust isn't going to leave me.
Please seek therapy, preferably from a therapist who is trauma-informed. I promise there is a reason that you were attracted to this guy in the first place, and therapy allows you a safe place to explore and process those feelings/experiences.
>>148910 > Would you say something like that to someone you love?
Another good test is would he be happy if she reversed things and sent him random threats to leave if he isn't up to scratch in various ways.
> Boy you are getting too comfortable lately! > Time for you to tone up > I can just leave you like it's nothing > If I don't chatise you you'll only end up fat and stupid > I'm degrading you for your own good
I'm sure his response would be something… but I still wouldn't risk it because tbh he sounds likely to delve into physical abuse down the line.
Anon, stop with the mental gymnastics. If you prefer staying with an abusive
piece of shit who doesn't give a single fuck about your feelings, than being alone, just admit that. Don't keep making ridiculous excuses and pretending there's any logic behind your choice to stay with someone who is actively attempting to make you miserable and insecure.
He wants to "improve" you exclusively on his terms. I'll hedge a bet the reason he's still close with his ex is because he's treated her like shit in a similar fashion to how he's dogging you.
If y'all have been on and off for 2 years, something's seriously wrong at the core of this relationship, and newsflash, it isn't you. He gave you an out at the end of his text because 1. he knows where you are mentally since he put you there and 2. he knows you won't leave. If you've already acknowledged he's being a dick about addressing things, then you already have one foot out of the door, despite telling yourself this relationship is still salvageable.
>>148912 >You are in a textbook abusive relationship
I read the text she posted and then I read that they're together 2 years and I convinced myself that my ex sent that message. Then I realised that they all sound the same. They all say the exact same bullshit! That's how textbook it is.
It is absolutely abuse.
thank you so much for your time, anons.
i’m in na very bad place and have been for a long time. i’m very very hurt by this message and i will be for some time. it scares me.
i’m not defending the relationship at this point. i know things aren’t right, but he’s all i have. i’m so scared of reliving the misery of being broken up again, i don’t know how to overcome it.
i will definitely seek therapy, hopefully o can get it on the NHS.
thank you so much for listening and not accusing me of being a troll, because this is 100% a genuine situation and i’m 100% suffering.
i can’t talk to any of my friends about this because they’re already mad i even got back together with him, i can’t ask any more of them.
thank you guys for listening to me, i’m overwhelmed by the response
Just as I was about to call it a scrote post…
He said you'll never have him secured. Maybe he means it, maybe not. But security is the very main thing that keeps a romantic relationship healthy. You shouldn't be insecure with who you're dating ever. And he's creating that by acually telling you that directly. Believe me when I say he's trying to break your self esteem.
As for him being all you have…you have your friends who seem to go to bat for you, and you have YOURSELF, bitch get some fucking self esteem! No man is worth debasing yourself over. Are you BPD? No offence but the suicide attempt after the breakup indicates that. BTW any decent human would tread VERY carefully if their partner had a history of that and here he is, so cocksure "hurr don't ever feel secure that you have me". Man, fuck him.
You will 100% be better off without him. NHS take fucking ages, for a suicidal ex it took 3 months for an appointment. Maybe try online help services? Like talkspace. As someone who can have obsessive tendencies the best case scenario is you take control of the narrative and just stop talking to him and enjoy all your old pursuits and realise you're a fully fleshed human deserving of respect and all that.
>>148924>but he’s all i have
I don't understand why you keep saying this. You mentioned having friends. Are they not supportive, even if they're upset with you right now? Have they been there for you in the past? I have hard time believing you truly have nobody other than your bf.
I think you'd have a much easier time letting this guy go if you had some kind of support network to fall back on. If your friends aren't enough, then a therapist/therapy group may be your best option.
Also, please understand that as horrible as it feels to be broken up with, it will not feel that way forever. I really cannot stress that enough. I used to be EXACTLY like you. I thought I was going to die when my first abusive
ex and I broke up. I didn't. Six years later when my second abusive
ex and I broke up, it sucked because I wasn't expecting it, but the possibility of dying never even crossed my mind. This type of response is symptomatic of trauma, and they do get easier to manage the more you work on yourself and become mindful of your triggers
This is good advice too. Attachment theory helped me a lot in understanding why I was drawn to certain relationship dynamics.
Girl, after reading all this here's my piece of mind:
He's actually the insecure one and is projecting that insecurity onto you. Can it be that he's the one who let go and he's not as attractive as he was at the beginning? Not saying you don't find him attractive, but maybe gained a few pounds/started balding?
Moids always use this strategy on women and they somehow get away with it. The harsher and colder they are, the more we stick with them.
Just break up with him. If he suddenly starts begging you to stay with him, keep your stance. Be standoffish and you'll see him crawling at your feet. Men think they're the only ones who can play power games with us. But no matter what, don't give the dipshit another chance or he'll be back at it again.
So I'm in my twenties and my parents are still supporting me financially. I don't work, they pay for everything. My male friend is also in his twenties and he is in the opposite situation. His family is poor and he had to support himself since he went to university. He finished all his courses, but haven't graduate yet, because he still has to write his master's thesis. A year ago he decided to work only part-time (even though he didn't have any classes anymore) to focus on writing his thesis. Since then he was making not much money, barely enough to pay his rent, bills and buy minimal amount of food. A year passed and he didn't write anything, is still working part-time and is always broke. His landlord decided to stop renting out the apartment my friend is living in, so he has to move out. He doesn't have enough money to do it, especially since we live in expensive city and prices of rooms are constantly rising. He has to move out before september starts, so he's getting desperate. He asked me to lend him some money and I don't want to do it. In the past I gave him money many times and he never gave it back, which was understandable for me, since he's always struggling financially. I was expecting him to get a full time job at some point and I believed someday in the future, when he will be in better situation, he will pay me back. The thing is I'm starting to think that day will never come. He's depressed and not willing to take my advice about working, because I don't have to work. He's always telling me that I don't know how hard it is and I never would make it if I was in his situation. I feel extremely shitty about the whole thing. On the one hand, lending money makes me feel resentful and kinda bad, because this is money my parents give for ME to live and not to give out to other people. I really don't want to give it to him. But on the other hand, I also feel shitty, because he needs help and I could help him, if only I would give up on some things that are not necessities, so it makes me feel selfish. If my boyfriend would find out about me giving people money, he would be furious. I don't know what to do. Should I give my friend money or not? I want to buy myself a new bra and be able to eat takeout with my bf. But also I don't want my friend to be homeless. And I'm afraid this won't be the last situation like this, he will never pull himself together and he will never stop asking me for money. Either way this situation will hurt our friendship. For now I took time to find multiple rooms that are cheaper than the ones he found and I hope he will actually take effort to call this places and maybe hopefully find something he can actually afford. I told him I would decide today about the loan, but I still have no idea what to do.
(Yes, I know it's shitty of me to take money from my parents and that I'm very privileged, but it's not an issue I want to discuss right now. Also where I live it's more normal and common than for example in the US.)
First step would be to talk to him about your doubts. Only then you will know if it's something you two can work on or if it simply isn't the right relationship for you. But as long as he isn't abusive
and you're not absolutely sure that you really do not love him, I'd say you should talk to him about your thoughts and feelings before just deciding to leave, especially if the thought of losing him pains you this much.
In the end, it depends on what you want
. If you simply don't want to be in a relationship, you need to leave. If you want to make it work, you need to communicate and be on the same page about it.
Then why would you ever be with a person like that? It would just mean he never loved you and never gave a shit.
All the more reason to dump him.
Seriously, reading your posts is depressing as hell, I'd rather die alone with ten cats than have what you're having.
Actually the two don't even compare, living alone with cats sounds pleasant and relaxing, your relationship is emotional waterboarding at this point.
No offence but I can't tell if you're dumb or just in too deep. Have you looked up the attachment theory stuff? If not, you should. He looks anxious avoidant and you seem anxious dependant. How that dynamic works is that the avoidant distances themselves if things are shitty, which then causes the dependant to cling harder because that's what they do under stress.
And since that dynamic has gone on unchecked and he obviously loves having this power over you, it's now at the stage where you'd kill yourself (I hope not) if he left and he feels safe to tell you he could leave at any time. It's fucked. He doesn't mean well.
At least PLEASE talk to your friends and show them the text. I understand you don't want to be pressured into breaking up, but I think that's because subconsciously you know that's what you need to do to preserve yourself, and you don't want to hear that truth. You're isolating yourself so the only irl perspective is your toxic
Tell him you think it's disrepectful for you to give away money your parents gave to you. It ought to be that simple. Let him know you'll support him in other ways like finding a place, but it goes against your morals that you'd give money intended for you from other people. It doesn't make you a bad friend and don't let him make you think it does. Also suggest he get mental help, because at this point it seems like his depression is affecting his life considerably.
i’m not dumb i’m doing a masters degree i’m just very very in love with this person and i got a low, painful and bitter taste of what it was like without him and i know i can’t go back to that, ever.
also i’m a little afraid of what he might do if i broke up with him, the only thing i could do is get my mum to text him and say i went missing or something otherwise he would probably get angry and start revenge posting on facebook again.
as well being crazy in love with him, i’m a little afraid. i think he’s capable of a lot.
While other people are being relatively nice to you, I think you're being absolutely pathetic. >we spent a blissful weekend together, I have no idea what's going on
As others have mentioned, this is textbook lovebombing and a hallmark of an abusive
man. >i'm not fat
Surely it must piss you off to know there are obese women in the world that can pull guys who treat them with more dignity and respect than your man does.
Dick is abundant and there's a man for every body type out there these days, no excuse. >what the fuck do i do
Dump him. He told you he won't commit to you anyway. Turn tables.>i want to save our relationship
You can't, he told you as much.
Wouldn't surprise me if he's cheating on you too but doesn't dump you cause you still offer him pussy and attention no matter how bad he is to you.
You've got scarcity mindset and it's harming you, there are better men out there. You're just afraid to throw away your sunk costs and be single, as if being single is the worst fucking thing. Your relationship has zero value, at least if you become single you'd have your dignity back. >im not going to break up with him
Then stop spamming this thread and wasting everyone's time because you deliberately want to be a stupid twat. What more is there to do? Pandering and pleading to him doesn't work. Enjoy your cycle of abuse. >b-but he might revenge post me on social media
Then block him and unplug your computer while you get your shit back together. Anyone who'd clap for his bullshit isn't a good person either so it doesn't matter.>but im in love with him
Well he don't love you sis. Don't go chasing waterfalls. You'll get over him.
This has to be fake one min you’re saying ‘he will just go round his usual life’ if you break up with him and now you’re saying he will ‘ruin’ your friendships. You already mentioned your friends are pissed that you got back together with him so they would know he’s already a toxic
fucker and would still support you.
And if it isn’t fake sounds like you both deserve each other as you’re both toxic
so just stay with him and waste your youth lol
OK, so it feels like you're idk, moving the goalposts? So you fully concede now that he doesn't want the best for you, and that he's not abusive
? Like you recognise he's abusive
>i’m just very very in love with this person
Are you sure you'd define it as that? And not dependence? Consider it. I mean you think you need him. That doesn't mean you're in love. Some people are mistaken that love is something you "fight" for, that it's something you earn or don't deserve period. But that's damaged thinking, loving SHOULD be easy. If somebody doesn't love you there's nothing you can do about it. I mean NOTHING.
Anyway, why would he be so angry if according to you he'd be indifferent if you split up? Would his actions first breakup (smear campaign) not indicate he actually has very strong (albeit toxic
) feelings? Someone who insists "you can lose me anytime bb" would literally not be bothered at a breakup. More evidence he's doing it as a power play. >>149028
ghosting is really typical behavior tbh, I hope you're not messaging him.
Your friends have encouraged your breakup, if you let them know and let them know you need help doing it I'm so sure they will.
How long was the last breakup? Also, how old are you?>>149030
kek anon, people are being relatively nice because it's a genuinely distressing situation to see someone in, and it's obvious OP has too much cognitive dissonance to take in harsh truths, so it's being tiptoed around until she hopefully comes through because I think people genuinely want to see her situation change for the better
Right? I had to move back home with my toxic
mother and then live out my car during a hot summer when I left that environment. All because I broke up with my manchild ex.
OP is scared to lose fake friends. Lmao.
>>149040 >one min you’re saying ‘he will just go round his usual life’ if you break up with him and now you’re saying he will ‘ruin’ your friendships
This stood out to me too, I have spent plenty of time here talking to different women stuck living with abusive
partners or with shared kids where getting away is fucking hard.. this is too much though. There's no living together, no lease, no mortgage, no kid, no ring, no pets. Most that spam here for two straight days are at least worried sick about homelessness or about him killing their shared pets in a rage.. this is stupid if it's real.
i’m not conceding to anything really, and i’m fully aware that the relationship is bad and needs to end, i just don’t know where to start.
i haven’t been diagnosed with BPD but everyone i know has self diag me with it. i’m 19, we broke up for 3 months and i’ve just graduated from university and have a job, normally i pay for outings due to him being unemployed. he usually uses his entire welfare cheque on the first day on computer stuff/clutter. he actually gets a decent amount and could help pay for our outings if he didn’t get himself into debt for impulse buys
i dunno i just feel so lost, i’m scared t tel my friends about that message because i don’t deserve their patience any longer and i think they’re just fed up. i also initially lied about being with him until some guy i rejected stalked me and snitched to them.
it’s a hard situation.
he’s being extremely quiet aside from a meme he sent a while ago which is uncharacteristic of him and concerns me>>149047
i’m not even claiming to be abused or saying that i’m trying to flee DV, i just want to vent
He doesn't want to talk about it. He still tries to do his hair the way he used to do it, with longer fringe and all, but it's becoming impossible to do. I watched him struggle to style his hair like he used to for like half an hour today, and he just ended up crying afterwards. He is using some expensive hairloss shampoo but it's not working.>>149058
My bf is not masculine AT ALL though. He is short, has small face, etc. He wouldn't look good with bald head. And in his case, it's a matter of couple of months, maybe a year, not years.
I think I get a mild version of this with my boyfriend. He's a great guy, I'm very attracted to him and after living together for three years we know each other extremely well. But once in a blue moon it's like my brain "resets" for a minute and I'm like "wait a minute, I don't really know this person! What am I doing here?". Nothing at all on his part triggers
it, usually we'll just be hanging out watching a movie together and the thought will pop into my head. It's interesting to know that it's a real thing, it had actually concerned me a little! I don't think it's anything to do with him, but more the sudden realisation that I have been taking his inner feelings for granted and that I can't really know how anyone other than myself feels and experiences life, if that makes sense?
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My boyfriend and I don't have matching needs when it comes to cuddling. He does like to cuddle, but I really need it more than he does or can provide. He cuddles me in bed, but he rarely ever comes up to hug me out of the blue and when I hug him and want to hold him for a while, he gets nervous and starts talking and patting me on the back, which makes me sad every time. I could just hug him and look him in the eyes for a long time, I could scratch his back for 10 minutes straight while he just does it for like 30 seconds, he doesn't seem to have the same need for physical contact. It's not that he doesn't love me, he shows that in other ways like cooking for me, giving me small gifts, helping me with things, being there for me when I need him and supporting me, I just wish he could hold me for a few minutes now and again without getting antsy. It's always something; either he's too hot, he's too hyper, he is stressed out, his back hurts, his stomach aches, etc.
I feel unloved even though I know that's bullshit. It just makes me sad because I could spend so much time just cuddling.
(I will definitely not break up with him over this. I just want some ideas on how I can talk to him about this without him getting defensive, because I know that in his mind, we cuddle a lot.)
A lot of people online scream “break up” at the slightest issues, I don’t know how you haven’t noticed this.
He didn’t put his plate in the dishwasher? Girl, dump him, you deserve better!
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Thanks for your reply, anon!
That’s most likely the case. He said that he feels bad about it, that he now “feels like some weird dude who doesn’t want to hug his gf”, but that he just can’t relax when there’s so much on his mind all the time. He definitely is a worrier, so it really seems to have to do with his anxiety. I’ll give him his space and appreciate the cuddles when I get them. I guess his hugs are like some nice expensive truffles and I’m a greedy truffle hog.
It's really not that uncommon and I doubt he'll be too worried about about it, especially if it's something you haven't done for a while and you tell him this. I agree with >>149086's general advice and reasoning (and remember, her boyfriend found out because it was while she was with him and she needed stitches, and the outcome was "tense for a few days"!)
Also, I'd say you're not really under any obligation to mention it; if he sees old scars there and realises what they are it's honestly politest for him not to mention it if you haven't brought it up yourself, and I'd expect either that or a relatively non-probing question. You sound like you're both still pretty young though so I guess there's a chance he won't know how to react; just do your best to be calm yourself and he'll realise it's not something he needs to spaz out over
I had something like this with my gf half a year ago. It was weirs at the time, but it passed pretty quickly. Now, though, I feel like I'm having a stronger form…I think it's even set off by reading other stories about people's SOs. Also, while I looked long and hard for people I liked spending time with enough to pursue a relationship with, she's the first one with whom that seriously happened, and I keep thinking "what if I'm missing out?"
This is despite everything having been perfect for a while. I talked to my mom a lot and she said she thought it was hormonal at first. I'm also aware that other things and ongoing quarantine might be making me depressed and I'm just putting the blame on my gf since she suddenly doesn't make everything perfect anymore. I think I'm falling out of infatuation, but I still love her, so it's a very weird feeling and I'm not sure what to do.
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Can farmers guess my bf's age? I'm 28. I'll tell you his real age, I just want to know if he looks age appropriate for me.
why do I feel like this is a self-post
also he looks like 25-30
He has one of those faces where I'd guess him to be late twenties, maybe early thirties but I wouldn't be completely surprised if you turn around and say he's 20 either.>>149450
Agreed, he needs to shave.
Lmao thanks anons.
He's 43. Just wanted to make sure he looked around my age and not old. People around me act shocked when I tell them he was born in 1977.
I'll tell him to shave.
You're 28 and he's 43?…
I've dated a guy with a twelve year difference and I really wish someone had told me not to. This guy looking your age isn't the important part here, forty-somethings that date twenty-somethings are frowned upon because of the power dynamic that sets in over time. Guys aiming 15 years younger are generally not dating with great intentions, though they'll certainly tell you otherwise!
I'm pretty independent financially and I've got my own vehicle. We want a lot of the same things. I'm not worried about being manipulated or anything, not that I think he would. Been pretty respectful so far but that doesn't mean it's been years either.
What happened anon?
>>149473> What happened anon?
He was charming the whole time that we were dating but living seperately. I stayed over alot and thought I knew him well. I finally moved out of my shared flat and we moved in together. It all went downhill from there, he really was playing the long game in putting on a total act til I had a financial reason to feel tied there. Then the mask slowly slipped and two years later I spent my 30th birthday in a womens shelter recovering from the whole ordeal.
I know I wasn't a baby when all this happened but I still wish I had a more hands-on or involved family to say "hey you really think that's a good idea?" when I disclosed the age difference.
>I'm not worried about being manipulated or anything
Tbh you should keep that in mind, anyone dating a man 15 years older than them needs to keep that in mind. It's naive not to.
Less than a year. We have plans for moving in and marriage in the future. >>149476
Thanks anon. Truth be told I've been burned so hard in my past that I've always resolved to keep a secret "Fuck-off Fund" so in case I ever need to leave I have at least a deposit and two-month's rent someplace else. I contacted his ex to ask how their relationship ended, yet they seem to have ended amicably despite being married for 15 years. She didn't have any warnings for me, since he mostly provided for her and not the other way around. I'm glad he's more the providing type, I can't stand co-dependent manchildren. Last time I ended my LDR of 4 years (with a manchild who was my age), I went temp homeless. I just couldn't take the neglect, constant mental loads, and emotional betrayal anymore. Lived out my car and a gym membership where they thankfully had a shower.
I broke off in the heat of the moment so I had no time to save or hunt for a roommate. My only grace was that my neighbors had flooded my apartment around the same time I broke up so most of my shit was already packed in boxes when I wanted to leave.
I don't trust men entirely, I just trust that they're liable to hurt me. >>149477
He's pretty slender too, I think he has a young frame in addition to having really nice skin.
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Uhh, how do I rein in general craziness when I get invested in a relationship?
At the crush stage and in the beginning of a relationship I'm always cool and totally unaffected by the idea that things might not work out, kinda just going with the flow, zero jealousy or insecurities. When things get emotionally serious, however, I just start overthinking everything. Not even about whether things work out, also about all these details in how he feels about me. I worry about whether I am the best partner he has ever had in various different dimensions, is he happier with me than with his first love or whatever, does he think about other women, etc.
I don't know why these things would even matter because I'm also really confident that the type of guys I'm dating are extremely into me in terms of personality and interests, and while I'm not a true Stacy, I can be quite sexually charismatic. I'm also only dating to find my life partner and this bond would obviously over time become unique enough to drown out past connections. But my brain won't shut up about wanting to be the absolute best in everything I guess, I can ruminate endlessly about what something he said actually meant and where I stand.
I'm mostly asking because I recently got a chad adjacent but so caring bf who blows every partner I ever had out of the water, and I don't want to screw this up by becoming insecure and seeking endless reassurance (especially since he's already not shutting up about how amazing he finds me, which thank god has kept my worries in check pretty well). My current solution is just being more focused on all the impressive things that attracted him in the first place and playing more confident than I am until I hopefully get actually secure, but I worry this won't be enough if I get even more invested. Pls help ; __ ;
Anon, are you me? You're definitely on the right track with focusing on what attracted him to you, there's no need to constantly upgrade and be better when you're already more than good enough. Just try to not overthink and I hope you'll eventually be able to feel fully secure.
For me it's so much of a struggle I've started seeing a therapist and being able to talk to professionalist about it helps a lot, so you can consider that too if you feel it's getting out of control. I feel like meditation is recommended as a tool for literally any issue but sometimes when I'm by myself getting eaten away by insecurity, clearing my mind and meditating is a good help too.
I had an irl friend years ago, guy had a crush on me and was a bit cringey at dropping that into conversation too much. He disclosed to me one day that he had was on the offenders register for images of children. When I googled his name i found articles saying it was thousands of images and vids. He was part of a ring and he had directed someone to abuse a two year old and film particular acts that were to his taste… I moved house before I cut contact. Just to be safe.
Obviously you need to stop communication. You do not owe him an explanation. You don't need to confront him and listen to the inevitable excuses and downplaying that he'll use. Does he have your address or work address?
Anon I feel you wholeheartedly.
Today the guy I was going to go out with turned out to have sexually assaulted his ex girlfriend. I didn't know until today because I'm not in the same groups as he is so I couldn't get a background check or anything. I only found out when I mentioned him to two of my acquaintances and they told me what happened! I feel so fucking guilty for even associating with him…
I had a good cry about it, not about him but more about the woman he hurt and how sorry I felt for her. I know you can't but I talked to her sister who is also an acquaintance and she told me to not be stupid because I didn't know. I also talked to my friends about it and got hugs.
I'm now ghosting him on everything. He doesn't deserve anything from you, I hope you feel better.
Not trying to downplay whatever happened in your household that made it dysfunctional but I come from an ok upbringing and my bro was the same in his teens and early twenties..like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him. It does seem to be an age where they can shut down and my brother was particularly non fussed about the women in his life. If it wasn't a girl he could sleep with he wasn't making any effort back.
I don't know how much of that is just age and how much might be dictated by environment in your bros case.
I mean it could be possible, I don't have enough information on him these days. I more or less raised him for years and brought him up to respect women. Back when he did talk to me he had mixed gender friend groups and I never heard him talk about his female friends disparagingly, but who knows if he's changed. He used to dislike our dad a lot and I'd try shield him from my dads attitude and I would tell dad to stop if he told my mom to shut the fuck up within earshot, but I mean 5 years with no buffer between my brother and parents might have changed him.
It's just sad because I thought we had a pretty strong bond. He had more freedoms than I did because I said I'd accompany him to a city or whatever, then we'd split up. I'd advocate that he should hang out with friends and that he has the right to privacy and all that. When I left I feel like he tried to talk to me, but it was solely about academic achievements. ""I have X exam. I think I'll pass. I passed. I have Y exam. I'll probably pass. I passed" etc. And I'd say good job, I'm so proud and ask him about his ambitions but it somehow managed to peter out into silence. I wonder if he's quiet now because I'm no longer needed for his freedom, so no need to talk to me. I really hope that's not the case.
So did your brother start talking to you again voluntarily, or what happened?
no offense but you sound 19 max.
Why are you referring to someone with a dick as "they"? If they're transgender or whatever… anon, ask yourself if you really want a druggie transgender depressed person who can't commit in your life. Assuming you're young, this is just going to leave you damaged on the start. No relationship, no sex even, but only your ~support~? Be their friend or whatever, but don't romantically involve yourself with someone who can only take.
How long were you single inbetween? Just sounds like you started dating again before you were ready. Like you were still in that 'ruminating' stage after the last break up.
A few therapy sessions usually speeds up that process, if you're in a position to afford that. What was the shitty scenario?
I'm days late but anon if you're still here, I'm in almost the exact same situation!
I think it's pretty normal to wonder about the "what ifs" while in a relationship, but if he means that much to you then I think the reality is that you'd be worse off without him even if you could party and mingle. I would keep the discord thing to yourself and stay away from the guy you're crushing on, but what do you think about telling your bf about the fictional characters/hentai? I slowly started telling my bf about the BL manga I read and chatting with him about fictional characters I think are attractive. He found it funny and played along, so I feel a bit better about it even if it's disturbing to me personally since, like you, I was never into this stuff before.
basically no time, met the guy I'm seeing now when dating the previous guy. Previous guy didn't want to rush into anything and be an 'official' couple after about 6 months of seeing me, and the situation involved one of his exs still trying to get back with him (he never showed any interest back, but they worked together so there was always contact. Guy I'm seeing now was upfront about liking me and I think that was the final push my frustrated self needed to say 'fuck it I'm not waiting anymore'. But now…iunno, I worry I acted too impulsively out of frustration.
I really enjoy the time I spend with the guy I'm dating now, and when we're together I don't think about the previous guy. But when I'm alone, I do. Why is that?
I'm in the same boat, anon. I love my boyfriend so much and we've been together for years, yet I have thoughts like these a ton!
What's probably happening here is something that is entirely common in a long-term relationship – your bond changes from a more infatuated bond/limerence into a deeper, more stable and loving bond. Your love has adjusted for the long term, rather than being something new, exciting and drug-like, and at this stage it's entirely common to have wandering thoughts. However, and I've come to this conclusion myself after having the same issue, if you genuinely have a loving bond with your boyfriend, it will be much more rewarding in the long term to stay with him and grow. One way this growth could happen is being open with him about these feelings, particularly the hentai stuff (not necessarily the discord guy as the other anon said.) Even if he seems vanilla, he might be super willing to do kinkier shit to please you. You're probably just at a phase where you need more excitement in your relationship and it's entirely possible to rekindle those initial "exciting" feelings even if it comes and goes in waves throughout your relationship. I promise you that this is something almost everyone in a super long-term relationship goes through at some point, and you already seem to know deep in your heart that you want to stay with your bf.
>>150126>He briefly saw a therapist at one point but it didn't help.>briefly
Maybe that's the problem, too briefly?
Personally I'd really encourage him to go back for therapy, not just for his sake but also for yours and your relationship together. This is a very serious condition that requires professional help, in my opinion you can't go around that.
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I said it way too soon apparently
He reminds me of Ethan Hawke's chara in Before Sunrise, so this opinion is spot-on
Maybe 30, maybe a rugged 20
Samefag, I nailed it with the Before Sunrise comparison since his chara is also a midlife crisis divorcee in the later movies.
Good luck Anon.
FORTY MOTHERFUCKING THREE.
I would have given him anywhere from 22-32. Jeez. He has some good genetics.
He looks around your age. And other anons are being pretty harsh, he looks kind
Have you been with anyone else except this guy? If he is the only one you give your attention to then it's definitely gonna be hard to not develop some kind of attachment.
In general good practice - I believe that for anyone but especially for a novice hoe - would be to not have any longer term hook-ups, even if both you and the other party want to keep it going. Set a deadline, something like like up to 2 weeks of hooking up and then move on to someone else, no going back, otherwise you'll just grow attached to them again.
nah, i haven't been with anyone else except this guy and you're totally right. i need to stop myself before i develop feelings for him bc then i'll be FUCKED.
Thanks you anons, I feel like I keep trying to convince myself it's okay even though I already know objectively it really is not. I think sometimes I just need a strangers opinion to push me in a right direction and stop being stupid. Keep your fingers crossed for me to find good friends I don't have romantic history with, like a decent human being> why don't you try a long distance relationship i.e. just text, see who initiates actually hanging out
It's been like this since COVID in late winter, he definitely invites me more than I invite him but I think more of an issue is that we really talk constantly… I'll try to just slowly step away until it's more of a healthy distance.
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My boyfriend and I have been together close to a year now. I have strong feelings for him but he can be overly clingy. He always wants to spend time together 24/7 to the point where he gets offended if I want to hang out with friend(s) without him. It's also a recurring theme where he laments that his ex never made time for him leaving him behind to spend time with her friends. Recently, he told me how upset he was when she went to another city for a girl's trip and said he couldn't come. He was really insistent about not understanding why he couldn't just tag along. When I tried explaining that the point of a girls trip is for it to be all girls he got offended and said he would get mad at any of his friends if they didn't want me hanging out. I tried talking the issue out but the whole convo felt like red flags.
His mom also recently told him not to put so much of his energy and time into relationships when he told her he needed to go home (after visiting for an hour or so) so he could spend time with me.
I try talking to him about these issues but sometimes it just doesn't feel like we're on the same page.
Do you guys think his behavior is unsalvageable or something that can be worked on? Am I in the wrong here? Or is this just a matter of preference in how much time you like to spend with your SO?
my advice is just be honest about why you need more affection from him, like you have been here. As for wording, I'd try something like 'hey, I know you said physical affection isn't important for you to feel cared for, but it is for me. When I get a surprise kiss of a cuddle from you, it makes my day and really lifts my mood. Can you please try to give me more affection in this way?'
I wouldn't mention other couples, or mention that you feel sad / unwanted from this, because in my experience men react badly to guilt or critique. Good luck anon, I hope your bf spoils you with kisses and hugs soon.
It’s definitely not you anon. This is unhealthy and codependent behavior on your boyfriend’s side. It’s possible he can improve but that’ll take a combination of you maintaining your boundaries and needs (of seeing friends without him) and him coming to understand why it isn’t the end of the world if you’re not always together. I would be kind but also lay things out clearly for him.
Let him know that you love spending time with him, but that you also need to enjoy your friends alone sometimes. You can explain that they may want to talk with you about personal topics, and although they may like your bf, they have obviously known you longer and wouldn’t be comfortable doing so around someone they’ve only had as a casual acquaintance for a year. And even when it comes to more casual things, simply put, they are your
friends and not his, and are entitled to have your attention to themselves every now and then. I would tell him he should appreciate time alone with his friends as well so that his life is balanced and he’s not reliant upon you for all his happiness, which can be very draining.
It seems your boyfriend may have a hang up about this due to past treatment from an ex, so I would let him know that if he’s ever feeling neglected, he should be able to let you know. But also establish fair boundaries… like if you’ve spent 5/7 days of the week with him and then he gets upset about you going out with friends once, that’s not cool. You can reassure him but after that he has to accept what a normal, healthy relationship looks like and understand that you are not the center of each other’s worlds, even though you can be very important parts of it.
>>152185>that's not an option for me since it'll make me look like a monster.
Wha? You'd be a monster for breaking up with someone who has a mental illness with side effects you don't want to deal with? People do this all the time and it's totally valid
. Just like someone may not want to be in a relationship with someone who has cancer or some other debilitating disease. I deal with depression and if my partner wanted to break up with me because I wasn't actively managing it and I can be an energy-sucking sadsack then that's okay, I wouldn't hold it against him.
Sorry anon but that's a terrible reason to stay. It would be one thing if you said, "I don't want to leave my partner because I really love them and want to help them through this," but as it stands you sound like a prisoner.
Have they been officially diagnosed? What nature of trauma happened in their childhood? Are they getting therapy that it specifically for that?
I ask all that because with all the popular DID youtubers popping up in the last few years you now have women with more mundane issues like BPD getting wrapped up in the idea and announcing it without a diagnosis. Just make believing that they have it and pretending to have a diagnosis.
I would want clear proof that it's diagnosed if I were you. If 'alters' will potentially be used as get out of jail free cards any time she gets abusive
with you.. you at least want absolute proof that a professional has diagnosed it and is treating her trauma. It already sounds like something dodgy is happening if her 'alters' don't like you. You can totally leave a person with mental illness. I have a mental illness that affects me greatly, I've been dumped twice. That's life. And that is your right. You can't be held hostage because of an illness.
Is it a fakeboy? A tranny?
Especially if this person is a genderspecial claiminig to have DID, I'd say that they're probably not officially diagnosed and are making their alters up to seem special and to manipulate you. Of course I'm no psychiatrist but actual DID is extremely rare and I doubt that this person has it.
You come on here asking for advice, but you don't want to hear the only sound advice. You're just scared of leaving. No change is more comfortable than leaving even if staying sucks.
I'd say get out before sacrificing your life to a mentally ill person. In my parent's marriage one of them has a mental illness and it was hell growing up with them. Only after 20+ years when they finally got professional help that helped them understand each other and cope did it finally get bearable. Having seen a relationship with one mentally ill-half from up-close, I'd warn anyone who's in a relationship with a mentally ill person to get the hell out. Staying in a relationship with a mentally ill person is a literal sacrifice of your own life and happiness and you'll get nothing in return.
Regardless if you insist on staying you need get help from a professional who can help you understand your partner's mental illness and how to deal with that. That's not something we can give you proper advice on.
That is the exact reason why you need to leave. That is so far from healthy and you'll both find your mental health spiraling under those circumstances.
Rip the band-aid off and just cut that person off. It'll be better for you both in the long run. she'll/he'll get over it like every other person on earth who gets dumped. You know marriages end, people with kids split, nobody is above getting fucking dumped when their partner is no longer happy. Seeing as they are a genderspecial and just happen to have this oh so rare disorder (be sceptical girl) then yes they'll freak out and try to put you through manipulation tactics while blaming alters. Don't buy it. Cut contact like they recommend people do with narcs/untreated bpders. That's likely what she/he is. Some people with cluster b disorders and narc traits greatly exaggerate their 'illness/victimhood' to hold people emotionally captive like that and you statistically are much more likely to meet one of those assholes in your lifetime than a truly diagnosed DIDer.. hint, hint. Block them on every avenue they can use to contact you because they will suicide bait you otherwise.
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Girls I don't know if I want to try the relationship or reject him. I know he loves me, we know each other years ago online and it was reciprocated. But at this time I was young and my self esteem was really low, not to mention we never saw each other so going on a relationship was a no to me in the end. We got in contact again and it's been two years, we chat just fine and often have something to talk about.
Except that I'm still undecided as ever, I keep switching between "Should I go out with him?" to "Nope don't wanna, I'm glad I didn't". I start to think that the part of me that want to give a try is because I know it'll be hard for me to find someone if I reject him now: ugly, socially awkward, etc. We actually never properly exchanged our pictures (he did saw my face by accident) and only chatted vocal like 2 times. So I'm already super pessimistic when I'm thinking about being his girlfriend, if he sees that I'm not that 8/10 girl next door and I don't want my self-esteem being already hurt again. And yes I said "Give it a try" not "I love him" because even that I don't fucking now, the bright side that I see is that I can try to date someone to see if there's feeling. But going out with him because I'm afraid to miss my only opportunity and not out of love is hella disrespectful to him.
I just want to tell him all of that, yo girl is not conventionally pretty. We never met IRL and I wished we did that as friends, not "potential partners" because that stress me out. I'm afraid that I'm not in love and force myself because how the freak I'm supposed to find someone that will love me. Even best case scenario he finds me pretty, do I love him? I don't just know.
Yes, I do get the butterfly feeling but it's more related from the attention I'm getting. I'll be honest and just tell him I don't feel confortable (I missed the opportuniy because he's doing engineering studies and I didn't wanted to add more anxiety with his workload).>>152254
I wouldn't even mind "as friends" lmao
Is it a bad sign, or considerate, if my boyfriend lied to me to not make me upset? Does he fear me if I become upset?
It's really stupid. So yesterday some teenage employee at a grocery store was giving me shit because my chip card at the self-checkout suddenly wasn't taking. It was one of those machines where if it senses it's a chip card it won't let you swipe. She was giving me a bunch of attitude because I just asked her if she could suspend my order and swipe my card up at the main desk. I used to work at a grocery store so I know it's something I'd do for a customer if their card couldn't read, or manually punch it in. She told me no and that the issue was my card and it wasn't going to work at all so I'd just have to go get cash from an ATM or pay differently. I didn't really believe her about the chip being bad and said how I didn't think it was my card, but either way she didn't seem to be interested in helping me out and wanted to make it entirely my problem. I rescanned on a different machine and same issue. I wound up paying with a different card which is also a chip but it malfunctioned with that chip too. Of course I thought no way it was me at that point. I got it to take after a second time which made me think the store's card readers were just bad.
My bf who's a manager at a different grocery store chain listened to me sperg about it and sided with me.
Fast forward to today: I went to pay for a meal before work and noticed when I handed my card to the employee my chip malfunctioned again, but this employee just swiped my card and didn't make it my problem so it was all good.
I texted my bf about how I stood corrected about my chip failing, and he replied "Hahahaha…I wanted to say something last night but didn't want to make you mad." Idk, he could have told me the truth and I would have believed him. After all, I don't really care that the chip isn't working, I was more pissed off from the girl's lazy attitude.
I texted with a laugh back and told him he can tell me the truth. I'm just nervous that apparently he's going to lie to me if he thinks the truth will upset me, or apparently I'm such an intense bull that he thinks I wouldn't have handled the truth well.
Seriously anon, this is so minor. I wouldn’t even consider it a lie so much as being supportive of your partner. If my bf was complaining about an annoying situation even if I figured he might be wrong about something, I’d just shrug it off and let him vent without any real concern over the specifics (if it was over something so banal and lacking any moral implications). I’d consider it rude and dismissive to be all, “ACTUALLY dear, you probably fucked up in this situation,” in the midst of him just wanting to blow off steam. Of course any normal person would be frustrated with their partner nitpicking when they just wanted to relate a story. Imo laugh over the honest mistake and move on.
If it was a situation where you were like, bitching out the employee for not doing what you wanted, then it might warrant “I understand you were upset honey but I feel like you may have needlessly attacked that girl,” but there’s literally no moral quandary on your end, just the employee kind of being an ass to you. I’m sure your bf just wanted to give you the opportunity to get it off your chest without interrupting over something so minor.
If someone is venting about something, I wouldn't interrupt them with a "ackchually you could be wrong here," it's just unnecessary. Not always
saying what's on your mind isn't lying. Obviously when you listen to a story, you consider the possibilities in your head, and if I listened to your story, I would have agreed as well. It seems unlikely you'd have two malfunctioning chip cards, but of course it's possible.
It's more concerning that you're thinking about this so much, and you're coming off high-strung. People who interject with "facts and logic" when someone is clearly just annoyed are very
tiresome, and it's a good sign your bf has enough social intelligence to not do that.
I don't really know how to feel. I am having a stressful week at work and that is making me react snappy in certain conversations with my partner. He told me last night he sometimes hates hanging out with me because of how snappy i've been. I have apologised and tried to explain that work is extremely stressful, my dissertation is due in next week and my period just started but it all feels like excuses and I just feel like a horrible person.
Although, I also feel like he doesn't help my stress? I was really busy yesterday and he comes in, whilst making food for himself and not me as well lol, asking 'are we out of beans' ??? is my brain connected to the cupboard or something? why can't you just check? like we haven't done laundry because we don't have any laundry stuff but he won't go get it even though he's a lot freer than I am, I've been working since Monday and I went to the shop multiple times to check, when I was on my break and it didn't have any. I could go to another shop but I just don't have time, whereas he's just playing games and says he 'doesn't want to go to the shop' ?
There's a comic out there about the mental load women have compared to men and it feels like that is happening but any time I bring it up he refutes it and says he does do stuff for me but I can't think of the times he does the stuff he says he does? especially off his own merit, I usually have to ask to get anything done such as 'can you do the washing' or 'can you go to the shop' and it's always met with a groan or 'i don't want to' or 'yes mien furher' ? I just think my resentment is building ontop of my stress but I can't talk to him about it either cause he gets pissy. There are a lot of things I don't want to do either but I just have to cause otherwise it won't get done.
I just feel like im being a bit gaslit like I can see the situation, I can see I care a lot more than he does about a lot of things around the house and tasks that need doing but when I talk to him it's always like 'no i do this this and this'? but it doesn't make sense cause the dishes aren't washed, the clothes aren't done, the food isn't cooked? the house is a mess. I try to clean in my free time but I want to relax as well the same way he gets to. I only get the weekend off and I am already tired of spending it cleaning up only for it to get messy through the week.
Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it off my chest.
I don't even know what's good advice to deal with this situation but I just wanted to relate and say I've been there too and it sucks to be the one always having to ask your partner to simply pull their weight. The fact that there's no initiative taken to do chores and it always has to be requested of them.. my ex would sit in a dirty apartment with chores just piling up around him and never do them without me having to nearly beg him to help. Even then he'd have a day off work and if I came home and asked that he do dishes (after a day of him playing vidya games) I'd have to do the dishes alongside him or else 'it wasn't fair'….
I think it's rooted in old gender roles. Even when you're busier than them or working longer hours it still comes down to you to be the one motivated to clean both of your clothes… I reached a point where I didn't see a future like that, especially in terms of having a family. That workload would be a nightmare and a constant battle so I left. That and like you said it feels like gaslighting for someone to make you out to be unreasonable just for wanting some sort of even split in care of the home.
I never found a solution apart from us splitting up but I just wanted to say I hear you. I know your frustration.
It's really good that you recognize you can't live like this. A lot of women would be in denial in your situation (not blaming them, denial is a symptom of the abuse).
So you've overcome the mental hurdles and you know this can't go on.
In your situation I would immediately start SECRETLY planning to gtfo. Secretly because you say he's benign, but I don't know how he's going to react now that you're definitely trying to leave. He's already threatened your loved ones.
Stop talking to him about leaving, he's not going to help you leave, he's going to actively try and stop you leaving.
Start stashing whatever money you can in a secret bank account. Start telling your family that you and the baby NEED to leave. I know they watched it happen to you, but if they can help you now then you need that help. Plan to leave and then execute that plan as quickly and decisively as possible.https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive
Anon, this is a shit situation (for you). I promise there are men out there who clean up around the house without being asked because they're competent adults who appreciate a tidy living space. Men who enjoy cooking and willingly offer to make dinner in general, and doubly so when you're stressed. Who don't complain when you ask for support or for small tasks to be taken care of. I'm telling you right now you are not crazy or demanding for wanting (or even expecting) more.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is a complete ass, but from what you've expressed here he certainly seems pretty crappy. I hope you will really think if this is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you're interested in having kids eventually, can you imagine how much more responsibility you'd have to shoulder with this guy acting like an inept, whiny teen? You'd already have one kid to take care of, then you'd have him on top of it. Where does that leave your own needs?
>>152413 >"who are you most worried about, your dad who's almost 60 or me?"
I've buried a parent (she was 58 and a small infection spiralled) and years after that I had a bf give out to me for crying on mothers day… It took my attention away from him. Looking back that's such a clear warning sign, when all they feel in that moment… is robbed of your attention! You have one dad, most romantic relationships have an expiry date. That's just reality. To put you in this position of 'tell me I matter more than your father' is unreasonable. He doesn't matter more. He shouldn't expect to and if his wording was what you quoted there then that's very telling. You're not even married to this man. >This lasted for HOURS >Is this some sort of emotional abuse?
If it's hours upon hours of arguing without any real effort to find a middleground or solution.. they're usually just trying to emotionally punish you. You can usually judge for yourself whether an argument is constructive or just lashing out.
I'm really sorry anon. I hope your dad manages to fight through it. You deserve to be able to vent right now and I hope that theres someone else in your life that proves more supportive to you during this.
He's being absolutely unreasonable. He might've been worried about his own health issues and feeling like you don't care for a while, and your dad's health issue might've acted as the tipping point. But even so, he should've had the common sense to not bring it up at a time like this. How incredibly self-centered.
I actually had something similar happen to me recently. My cat was extremely sick for a week, I was worried sick, hadn't slept or eaten, and my fwb decided that it was a good time to start talking about his hurt feefees about something minor and unrelated. I told him now is not a good time but he kept going. I blocked him.
I hope you leave this asshole anon. It's so disgusting that he literally took a situation about your father's fragile health and made it about him instead of supporting you. I hate that for you. I understand what it's like being in an emotionally abusive
relationship, it's hard to see because it (unfortunately) becomes something you normalize. But you deserve so much better than this. Your partner should support you and build you up, not make you feel worse over a perfectly normal thing to be stressed over. I hope your dad gets better soon and that you can find a real support system.
I'm so sorry for your loss anon, and that you had to experience a bf that wouldn't even let you grieve on mothers day. I def agree that this kind of behavior is a big warning sign. Our argument never became constructive, although I tried to communicate how his behavior made me feel several times. He just continued acting completely irrational - the whole situation felt absurd. Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.>>152419
Thank you anon, I completely agree and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. There's absolutely been some warning signs prior to this, and tbh he's rarely provided the support I've needed whenever I've been dealing with traumatic stuff. I just feel like this is the one situation that made me understand how incredibly unhealthy this relationship is. It's like it finally dawned on me. >>152438
kek, thank you for making me laugh anon>>152457>>152470>>152492>>152495
Thank you so much anons, this is exactly what I need to hear. I've been considering leaving him before, but this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I've been rationalizing his behavior for years, telling myself that it's not "serious enough" to be considered emotional abuse. My reasons for being sad or stressed are never good enough for him, he tells me when I should get home after seeing friends, whenever I'm crying it's because I have an undiagnosed "mental disorder". I'm never allowed to react to anything; if I do, I'm being irrational. At this point, I'm scared of sharing my feelings with him because I know I'll be judged, not supported. Just writing this makes me feel ashamed that I've allowed myself to be treated like this.
For the first time I'm a 100% certain that leaving him is the right thing to do.
You are the only person responsible for the food that you choose to put in your mouth
Asking your bf to cut out foods or saying that he doesn't hide food well enough.. sounds like a whole load of blame shifting. You have to tackle this yourself. If you need to see a professional to work on those cravings then don't be ashamed to do that.
you just got diagnosed so you probably don't totally get the ins and outs of it yet, but, once you've cut gluten out for an extended period of time a very small amount of it will make you spend the night in the bathroom throwing up.
the bigger issue with living with someone when you're celiac is cross contamination. It's extremely difficult to keep crumbs out of your food, use different toaster ovens, etc
in my opinion it's not unreasonable at all to demand someone stop eating gluten inside the house entirely. Getting glutened will kill you very early if you are celiac. I know several celiacs who's partners have cut gluten out to accommodate them- its a sacrifice they have to make if they actually understand what gluten does to someone who is celiac and care about your health.
ofc I agree with the other anons that your reason being so you aren't "tempted" is stupid though. You are diagnosed celiac. You can never eat wheat again. You have to deal with that
I would normally say exes are too messy but technically he's not a full on ex. You will still have that issue of an underlying feeling of having been rejected/abandoned though. (he walked away from me once before, he chose her over me etc)
Do you feel emotionally well enough to deal with those nagging feelings if or when they pop up?
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My bf and I have different political beliefs. We do agree on a few things but disagree on others. This isn’t a dealbreaker for me, but tonight, he brought up abortion for some reason (I’m pro-choice, he’s pro-life). He ended up saying that if he were with someone, got her pregnant, and she decided to have an abortion, then he would break up with her. I’m a virgin and wouldn’t have unprotected sex unless I wanted a kid, but I guess hearing him say that just gave me sort of a bad/sad feeling? Ofc I don’t think anything like that would ever happen to me, but I’m just not sure how to feel about what he said. I just felt awkward and bad the rest of the night.
I don't view men saying this shit as just having 'different political opinions'
Even if you are celebate til marriage and you plan your kids out…if you decide you can only handle so many kids and one more surpise pregnancy slips in there…you'd have to fight this man for your right to bodily autonomy. Would he divorce you?
I've seen women with postnatal depression stuck in that exact position. It's not just political. Once you're with him it becomes very personal. If you're ever planning to start having sex with him you can't really agree to disagree on this.
he feels this way because he is only seeing the idea of a child through a male perspective, something a lot of emotionally immature and self-centred men do. He's not able to understand the physically, emotional and mental task carrying a child to birth is for a woman.
Honestly imo this is a huge issue to disagree on, and I would absolutely split over it myself. He has basically laid down an ultimatum for you if you get pregnant, why would you want to be with such a selfish guy?
I'm confused that premarital sex is fine with him..I mean he's really picking and choosing which oldschool morals he wants to hold himself to. He can't keep his virginity til marriage but you have to spend twenty years dealing with the consequences of sex… I call bullshit.
You keep any baby of his and he'll either be a deadbeat dad or he'll use it to abuse you. He can't empathise with women. I would bail.
I know you said it isn't a dealbreaker but I'd get out. Since you said you're a virgin I assume you haven't been together for a long time, I'd cut my losses now. There's men with political opinions you agree with.>>152703> He can't keep his virginity til marriage but you have to spend twenty years dealing with the consequences of sex… I call bullshit.
Nta but this reminded me of something I watched on youtube a few months back (wish I had the link to share) A guy who had a rocky relationship with his gf. They were already broken up when she discovered she was pregnant. He went all out begging her to keep the baby and saying he'd raise it alone. They came to that agreement.
She gave birth, moved states to continue with college/career. She sent a cheque every month but kept to the agreement of not being in the kids life. The guy had a part time job and his parents provided free childcare for him. The kid was about 2 1/2 when they filmed this and my god did the man whinge about how he had given up his life. He was one tenth of the way into raising this kid, she did exactly what he requested. He was actually in a better position than alot of single moms that I know (free childcare from nearby and heavily involved grandparents)
I think he somehow expected the mom to change her mind, raise the child and just give him fun weekend visits. He felt very sorry for himself and complained about wanting to date but the baby getting in the way lol