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No. 145234

Trouble in paradise? We've got your back.

Old threads:

No. 145294

Pour one out to relationships in the time of corona. Shit sucks.

No. 145300

I've been dating this guy for a couple weeks and things have been going well. We were at his place and he was showing me some old pictures. He found one with his ex from high school and he said "oh thats my slut ex who cheated on me" with some anger in his voice. It made me uncomfortable because of the demeaning language and he sounded still bitter about a high school relationship at 30. Totally took me by surprise as there's been no red flags up until this point. Thoughts? Should I talk to him about it or run?

No. 145302

Any guy calling an ex a slut is a huge red flag, run for the hills anon

No. 145305

I don‘t know what I think you should do considering that I know nothing about your or his situation other than this but that‘s definitely a major red flag.

No. 145318

This guy I met on Tinder has a female roommate. Red flag? They share earbuds while streaming together, but there's no indication of a relationship on their social media. So…orbiter or fuckbuddy?

No. 145323

They have a history.

No. 145330

I'd say stick around and try to feel out the situation more. Even if they do have a history it might not be so bad, I have a male friend who i have a history with that i would never go there again with but still hold him close as a great friend.

No. 145334

If they have their own separate rooms in where they live I wouldn't think twice about it, seen many cases of opposite gender friends / acquaintances living together in my student years. And same as >>145330 said, even if they have history it might not be a bad thing depending on their relationship now, I lived with my ex for a year after break up because we were very good friends prior and remained very good friends after, but I'd never want anything intimate with him anymore and there was no issue with any of us seeing other people.
So yeah, imho not a red flag but ofc it's gonna be good if you know more.

No. 145351

I had a male roommate before and nothing ever happaned between us nor did he ever try anything with me. I'd do what other anons said and stick around and see. It could most likely just be a normal roommate situation and nothing sketchy.

No. 145365

How do you decide if you're with the right person?

No. 145368

Do you feel good? If yes then this is a right person.

No. 145372

I would save time and run now. He's way too old and too much time has passed for him to still hold those feelings and to still get pleasure from calling her a slut.

I dated a 30-something year old who had nothing positive to say about any of his exes and while describing his ex (who had legitimate mental health issues, CSA trauma) he'd sometimes refer to as a crazy bitch.. I kick myself for not taking that massive hint of what was to come with him.

No. 145373

do you feel like you can be open and honest to them about everything, including your doubts? If yes, then they're good for you. If no, if you fear their response or that they'll dismiss or fight you, then they aren't the one.

No. 145375

Are they still fair with you during an argument or does it get ugly? That to me is a big indicator. That and them sparking excitement in me even after the 'honeymoon period' has technically passed

No. 145385

Thanks for your answers! That's what I feared… I feel like I can't talk about anything with him and I avoid a lot of subjects because I fear his response. And he gets kinda hurtful in arguments. Fuck. I just want this to be right but I guess in my heart I know it isn't.

No. 145395

it can be hard to end a relationship, especially if there's not one big event that has doomed it, but ultimately you deserve and need someone who you can be truly open with. Good luck with whatever you decide anon!

No. 145509

I just want a guy to flirt with, hug, just feel sexual tension. Since I started working from home it's become almost impossible to meet guys. I used to meet them via sports or travel but now everything's shut. Tinder men are so hilariously disappointing I want to shoot myself opening that app.

I'm not even necessarily even looking for a relationship, I'm just touch starved and want a cute man to flirt with. What do I do with my pathetic ass situation

No. 145518

That guy sounds like my ex and honestly, you should just leave now because the longer you leave it the more it will hurt. It's not normal to have to avoid so many topics for the sake of keeping the peace - ultimately, it just means that you are sacrificing your emotional needs for the sake of his own, and that's not a healthy or fair dynamic. It might seem like a hurtful but acceptable sacrifice to you right now, but when you find someone that you can be fully open with, you'll wonder how you ever survived that way.

No. 145927

Boyfriend of 6 years talks to many women, some of who are my friends, on a deep emotional level. I've never felt jealous except for two chicks, who are mainly his friends and put no effort in acknowledging me. The first one actively tried to sabotage our relationship and it took a lot of time to heal from it. There's a new girl lately, she's much more sneaky about it. The thing is he's so naive and I'm scared that this is becoming a pattern now that there's been two. Thoughts?

No. 145930



Why on God's Green Earth is he seeking this sort of emotional confidant when he is with you? Not to mention this isn't the first girl?! The Man-baby looking for mommy emotional tampons and discards them after he's bored with them. Sorry.

No. 145936

Lmao he knows damn well what he's doing.

No. 145946

You're misunderstanding who's naive here

No. 145951


Lol that is true. I definitely used the wrong word here to describe him. I know that his male friends are not as receptive to his feelings as he would like, and he mainly ends up listening to these women’s problems rather than sharing his own. Either way, this behavior is not acceptable. Thank you for your honesty.

No. 145955

I'm so fucking pathetic for a guy who dumps me. When I tell keep bothering him he tells me to fuck off and blocks me. I know I should have left him alone.
Lmao my lame ass self keeps coming back for table scrapes. He broke up with me in the heat of the moment after a fight. We were good before then and he agreed.
We are like half way back to together and are on a talking basis. Y'all how to I not fuck it up again or if I should even try.

No. 145957

I have been talking with a guy I have never met in person a 1000 miles away from me.

We have been talking for 3 years now and I'm just getting more and more desperate to meet him in person. I've literally never been with anyone else, I'm 20 now and I have never been kissed. I want to actually experience what it's like to have a boyfriend and do fun things with him. I love talking with him but it's not nearly the same to what I imagine a real relationship is like.

He wants to meet too but he refuses to stand up to his parents even though he's nearly 21. His reasoning is always because his parents won't let him. He can't even drive because they didn't teach him as a teenager.

He doesn't ask for money so I know he's not trying to leech off me but I seriously don't know how much longer I can handle this. I cried to him about how much I want an actual relationship and not some pseudo intimacy. That he's miserable and I know he would be so much happier if he took the steps to leave but his response was to bawl for nearly 30 minutes.

I already never wanted to do online relationships when I was 17 but when I met him he just seemed so great and ambitious. I'm so fucking naive and stupid to have gotten myself in this mess.

I don't have it in me to break up with him. I don't want to break up with him. Will I have to in order for him to actually do what he needs to do?

No. 145965

Guys will never change for a woman. If he were to stay like that for the rest of his life, would you still want him? Do you really want a man who refuses to see you? If he really wanted to, he would.

You're a kissless virgin because you wasted your years on him. I did that too and only had my first kiss at 21 when I got over him. I regret wasting so much time.

There are so many great men out there but you're dodging all of them because of this idiot.

No. 145988

She feels good being a kissless virgin though?

No. 145992

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I was in similar situation. Imo you should meet up with the person you are talking to online as soon as possible (maximum 3-6 months, not 3 YEARS). Especially if it's your first relationship. There are some things that you can't predict, like if you'll be really attracted to them, if you'll understand n like their body language, if they are respectful towards others, if they smell nice, etc. He had three years to sort himself out and change for you, but he still hasn't made any progress. Are you willing to wait another three years just to see if he will be able to stand up to his parents?
I met a really wonderful guy irl soon after I stopped talking to that online guy. I'm sure you'll also find the ambitious, driven guy you want. You still have plenty of time. "E-relationship" is honestly a joke compared to what you can experience with an actual person irl.

No. 146003

I agree. What if you're not attracted to him in person? It's not only looks and personality, people just seem different in 3d, in front of you. You might have just wasted years of your life.

No. 146012

As a former victim of emotional abuse and gaslighting in a relationship, I find I can sometimes be too sensitive to red flags. I’ve been seeing a guy and I made a random observation to him and said “am I crazy or…”. He responded with “you’re crazy, but you’re right”. Just the words “you’re crazy” made alarm bells go off in my head and I’ve been ignoring him since. Am I overreacting? I just had such a visceral reaction to it. I know if I confronted him about it he’ll say it was a joke

No. 146030

>I’ve been ignoring him since

This sounds like light ribbing. I don't think you're ready for any relationship right now tbh.

No. 146053

This >>145992 I was also in a similar situation where I never had a relationship at age 19 and I really wanted to date and meet with an online guy. the sad thing about all my relationships (online and irl) is that the guy never/hardly would want to travel to me and I would make all the effort. It's best if you get with a guy who's willing to travel to you.

Also I agree with going to see him 3 months to a year after talking. If you leave it for too long (like my friend did with his ex gf, he never met his online girlfriend of 5 years) he would most likely cheat because he can't control his dick for long enough.

No. 146054

its been nearly a year since my ex dumped me and for once I dont feel like rushing into another relationship. Its not like I don't want one, I honestly do but I want a relationship that last long term like at least over a year (longest relationship I had was 11 months and it was my recent one). I feel like i wouldn't find a relationship long term since most guys that are attracted to me just wanna fuck. Even though my friends reassured me that my exes were in the wrong, I still feel like there's something about me that would make guys not want to stay with me that long.

I have a bunch of guy friends that I did have crushes on but they don't want to get into a relationshipx and just fuck… I dont know if I would want to try and develop my relationship with them so they could consider dating me or wait to find someone I would click with.

I sometimes daydream about meeting the most perfect guy to me who would treat me out, put effort into the relationship and buy me a gift. Even the smallest gesture of a hug, kiss or cuddle would be great to have in a relationship

No. 146094

If my bf and I break up, I will probably have to keep living in our shared apartment. Theoretically, I could move out but it would be a huge hassle. Has anyone ever been in this situation where you had to continue living in an apartment you used to share? How was it? I’m afraid it will make the breakup even worse for me.

No. 146107

Depends on a kind of break up. Me and my ex lived together while in relationship and slowly over almost a year we lost any romantic kind of vibe, while still being great friends. When eventually we've decided it's over it's already been over for months, just had to be said out loud. Lived with him for one and half year more because the flat and location were great, no drama whatsoever even though both of us moved on and started seeing other people. But if if would be an abrupt breakup it could get very messy and very hard to heal.

No. 146148

How do you deal with having a partner who isn't particularly verbally affectionate? My bf came from a family that wasn't really affectionate in any regard, especially not the type to say I love you, and as a result he has a lot of difficulty with verbal affection, which is my main love language. If I can't hear directly what a person feels it can make me doubt they feel for me at all. He does express his love in other ways, sending me memes, offering to pick up food, spending quality time with me, and more recently talking about moving in together, and he's said that he does feel "that way" for me but can't seem to actually…say it. Is this something I have to get over or is there a way to encourage him to be more verbal?

No. 146160

I work at a motorcycle shop in a rural area. A guy a few years younger than me recently stopped by specifically to (very respectfully) ask me out, after having chatted morepersonally the last time he was in the shop. I basically just sperged and said no out of habit, but I do like him. I made up an excuse to look at his phone one day to see his instagram profile name and since have been stalking him there and on a few forums…

I guess I think he is too nice and naive and that I would destroy his soul. I'm pretty creepy and struggle with general hygeine and afraid of sex. But I do like him and I don't like many men. He looks like he struggled with self harm at some point and is quite intelligent and builds his own motors and shares general interests (not common), and hates video games lmao.

He is coming back into the shop to pick up an order on Tuesday and I am really conflicted on whether I should reconsider his request. Most likely I will sperg and not do it… but I want to.

No. 146194

Go for it anon, at least one date

No. 146228

Go for it. If things don't work out, it's not like you'll have to see him a lot.

No. 146235

He sounds great anon. Definitely go for it. How much younger is he?

No. 146240

please update us anon! i think you should definitely give him a chance, he sounds cute/respectful.
hope you didn't reject him harshly the first time.

No. 146274

do it anon, allow yourself some fun. If he turns out to be a good man, you deserve to have that.

No. 146320


Thanks guys, think I might as well go for it. I didn't expect so many responses. Will update when he comes back into the shop.

I'm 25, he's 22, remains to be seen if he is as mature as he seems because I generally don't like anyone younger than me. I didn't reject him harshly, just said something awkward like 'I'm good, I don't really like dating,' and continued being friendly and more personal as I had been (uncharacteristic of me). He had no problem calling in to make that order after I had already said no so can't imagine he was too put out by my response.

No. 146380

I don’t know who but how my be responded made me feel bad. I’ve been going. Through some really heavy shit and he knows it. A few weeks ago we almost broke up because he said he felt too frustrated and that all my bad news were affecting him to the point of him feeling sick. Since then I’ve made sure not to tell him any bad news because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. Today I thought I would tell him that i felt a little better but let him know as well that I’m still not feel alright, it feels like he just brushed it off to me. Am I thinking too much into it? I’m scared to bring up the topic because it might upset him.

No. 146381

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Forgot to attach pic and of course, I meant to write bf *

No. 146382

Ugh, anon, you deserve better, I'm sorry. You're not overthinking. In a partnership, you need someone who can work with and be there for you.

No. 146383

Maybe it's just his way of handling other people's negative emotions. These types of things are easier to respond to in person. I like listening to people and helping out in person but over text I just can't handle emotional stuff.

No. 146384

>all my bad news were affecting him to the point of him feeling sick
my reading of this is that he doesn't want to deal with you when you're sad, because it's too much work for him. he's manipulated you into not talking about it.
if i was your gf and i hadn't spoken to you in a week, and you say you 'felt like you weren't going to make it', i would be really concerned and just generally say the opposite of what this guy said. this guy does not seem like he cares tbh.
sorry anon this dude is not supportive at all, you're not thinking too much.

No. 146386

My dude, this is not cool. If he's incapable of being supportive when you're clearly in distress and going through a rough time, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with you at all.

It is not normal or healthy to feel you have to completely avoid difficult subjects with your partner. That's literally one of the major reasons people even HAVE significant others in the first place, to know someone will be there for them through thick and thin (and vice versa).

It's totally fine to be the type who does better in person, but if that was the case and her partner wasn't an asshat he would say, "Hey babe, I want to be there for you but I'd really prefer to talk face to face. I feel like I can't fully give you my support over text." Not just dismiss/ignore her troubles entirely.

No. 146387

you seem to be very articulate about it and he sounds a bit show bobs and vegene if am completely honest with you here.

No. 146390

Thanks guys. He’s genuinely a sweet guy and in his defense during the year we’ve been together he was usually receptive to my feelings. I have the feeling maybe my issues are too much and he’s hit his limit. Part of the reason he’s frustrated is because we live far from each other (LDR) and he feels powerless to help but I’ve told him before that I just need someone who can listen to me. I’ve offered him a clean friendly, break up before because I understand that it can be overwhelming to be with someone with a lot of baggage but he always says he just wants to be with me still. I’m gonna talk to him about it later today and see if what he wants to do.

No. 146393

bit of a different opinion but beforehand, when you talked about telling him bad news, how much of your conversations was actually negative? if not much in retrospect then dismiss my post, but if it was quite a bit, it could be he just got to his limit of being a sounding board for issues he cant fix. he probably doesn't want to break up with you, just wants you to be happier and have happier conversations with you. unfortunately friends are not substitites for therapists so at the end of the day, longterm issues like depression, will wither away the other person's patience but will not bring you comfort or healing.

No. 146406

In the context of online dating, isn't it a little suspicious when a guy sends a sparse text or so morning/midday, maybe a vague evening text, and then pretty much waits until he's going to bed to send a goodnight text?
I just feel like an option, not someone who he really looks forward in talking to, so he's just keeping up the bare maintenance in case I'm the fallback. It's a shame because when we met up for the date we had chemistry and he invited me to do a future date (although he's yet to follow up on the invite as a solid plan), but I feel put off by this.

No. 146409

Genuinely not meaning to sound snarky, but why would you assume you weren’t just “an option” after only one date? In the current dating scene it’s common for people to cast their nets wide and meet a bunch of different prospects to get a feel for them. Once you’ve gone on several dates (if it gets that far) and discuss where you both see things headed then you could expect more, but before that I wouldn’t presume exclusivity at all.

Also 3 texts a day is a lot for some people, hell I can barely muster a few words for my dearest friends when I’m super busy at work, dealing with responsibilities, feeling exhausted. And some people aren’t good with texting at all.

I’m just saying you shouldn’t presume he’s not interested based on his texting habits alone. It’s way too hard to presume much of anything about a person after meeting them once. That being said, I think people make time for those they’re really interested in, so if he wasn’t actively trying to schedule another date after a week+ he’s probably not too serious. (Unless there are big extenuating circumstances.)

No. 146430

Am I abusive because I hate my boyfriend's friends? I live in the Deep South and my boyfriend's friends are all incels and they say the most sexist redneck shit sometimes. They call women "females," they are obsessed with anime waifus and think tranny porn and Asian girls are top notch. They also all live at home and are close to or over 30 years old, don't know how to cook, unemployed etc. I already kind of forced him to stop being friends with his online long distance friends because they were total incel dickheads. I have tried really hard to be accepting but sometimes he'll tell me something they said and it makes me so angry. Am I being abusive by controlling his friend group? I think he is so much better when he's away from them, it makes me dislike him so much that his peers are a bunch of dumb fucks. I don't want to be abusive.

No. 146431


Anon, you are who you surround yourself with. He has no trouble surrounding himself with people like that because they are similar. I would seriously reconsider the bf.

No. 146446

But girls are females, anon. The word is actually inclusive because underage girls can't be called women. What say you?

No. 146463

Thanks for keeping the perspective anon, I just feel so gaslit when it comes to dating anymore that I don't really know how to interpret what from what. The last guy who acted interested was blowing me up and I was happy to oblige, but when in came to meeting me and proving his interest that's when he started to withdraw. No doubt you're right, that at the end of the day what counts is making plans and showing up.

No. 146475

My boy is one of those emotionally unavailable types. its beginning to get too much and I only see him on weekends, the excitement of first dating is gone, we tried living together but it didn't work out, hes losing his job.
He said a lowkey shitty thing to me earlier and it might be the last straw, i'm gonna call him later tonight if possible and I might have to break it off.
I need hype, I have abandonment issues and have never broken up with someone, the rush of loneliness and instant regret hurts too much

but damn I'm sick of feeling unloved and unsupported

No. 146476

honestly, if you guys already tried living together and it didnt work and you dont even really see each other anymore then theres no point in staying together. youre obviously incompatible. break up with him anon, you can do it! theres plenty of better guys out there.

No. 146479

ahh i try and justify it because we're both young and his living situation isn't ideal and a million other reasons but I think you're right, i'm gonna lay out all my cards and get my answers and im ready to fuck off and get my fuck on if need be

No. 146558

File: 1596731182257.gif (2.98 MB, 540x210, 179217.gif)

I share an apartment with my boyfriend, and though he loves me and does a lot for me, I don't know if I can stay with him.
1. I'm often repulsed by his humor and he doesn't get my jokes.
2. I often feel that we "speak different languages", or have a totally different worldview.
3. There's been instances where I felt manipulated and/or treated badly, even though the last time something really weird happened was several months ago (like him throwing a fit when I told him that I wanted to use a condom).
4. We have fights several times a day most of the time.
Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to break up, because I've been an asshole too (like being drunk and angry) and he does a lot for me (cooks, drives me places), because I'm over it, but I don't know.
I just don't know how I can do it, since I still care a lot about him.
I mean, I'm pretty much the only one he has and we live together, so actually breaking up will be very hard. I just don't know how to do it without pussying out and getting back together in the process, since I still have love for him, even though I might feel that he's not "the one" (if such a thing even exists).
How the fuck do I make up my mind and either work on our problems or go through with breaking up? I'm constantly obsessively thinking about this and I just have no fucking energy left. Sometimes I wish he'd just say something so unforgivable that I'd have an actual reason to break up.
I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone out there has been in a similar situation and has some advice, I'd be very grateful.

No. 146560

>fighting several times a day
Get out of there anon. In my experience, as soon as you start to actually consider leaving there's no saving the relationship. You wouldn't think about leaving this much if you loved him enough to spend the rest of your life with him. It sounds like you're staying with him out of habit and because he makes your life easy by doing things for you.
Also, getting mad at using a condom? What's the context? That's really weird.

No. 146562

Totally agree. One of the top signs of a toxic relationship is when fighting this frequently becomes normalized. That is not normal or okay, anon. Healthy relationships may include disagreements where you both respectfully discuss things with each other, but even those happen rarely when two people are right for each other.

You don't need to look for more reasons to break up. You have plenty of them, and they're very legitimate. Also, if the relationship is so great and worth saving, why are you the only one trying to address these issues? He is just as culpable but seems perfectly fine letting them sit while you struggle with this stress alone. Not worth it.

I've seen a lot of people, especially women, stay in bad relationships due to your reasoning. "But I still love him, and he relies on me/I'm the main person in his life." Not your problem. You will likely be surprised just how easily he moves on when he's forced to. If you really care about him then you need to stop enabling his shitty behavior. You staying in general is telling him, "Yeah, I can do whatever I want and pick fights with anon all the time, and she'll still stick around." That's not good for you nor something you should be "teaching" him.

No. 146564

Ladies please give it to me straight. If your partner has improved a lot of bad behaviors but sometimes reverts to their "old selves" in times of stress, do you think they deserve a break because we all fuck up, or are they just never going to change?

For the record it wasn't anything super traumatic (no hitting, name calling, stealing, cheating) but it was something I have repeatedly asked him not to do. I was just getting to the point where I felt like I could relax and trust him again, then he went sideways. He has apologized but I'm tired at this point. I want to feel like I can rely on him but I second guess his reasons for doing just about everything these days. Is that on me or him?

No. 146565

our brains are literally wired to fall back into our old habits when put under stress. If that's something you can deal with or not is up to you.

No. 146567

That's a fair point. Thank you. I feel very undecided right now but I'll try to figure out what I'm able to tolerate or not.

No. 146568

I think just the fact alone that he's trying this hard to change his habits for you shows he cares. It really depends on what he's doing - if it's simply something annoying or actually something that you can't forgive.

No. 146578

Thanks anon, that actually makes me feel a lot better. I think it's easy for me to get stuck on how things used to be at times, but that's not really fair to either myself or my partner in the present day. The thing he did is a sore spot for me, but at the same time I understand that he was feeling very desperate and upset at the time. I'm going to try and focus on the positive and chalk this up to something of a fluke.

No. 146588

I have no idea what's happening between my boyfriend and I. We dated for about a month, and recently decided to make it an exclusive relationship. We had sex for the first time and it went well. The next day we went on a cute date that ended earlier than we expected, so I suggested we go back to his place. He didn't really want to, he said that he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before and he worked the next day so he didn't want to drive me home later. I didn't push the idea but i think he could tell i was disappointed so he ended up taking me to his place anyway.

We had sex then he drove me home in almost complete silence. i asked him what was wrong and he said that sleep deprivation was really bad for his mental health and he was just really tired. I apologized for keeping him up and he told me not to worry about it. He texted me the next day to tell me that when he got home that night, he had locked his keys in his car and had another poor sleep. I felt really bad and apologized again, and asked if there was anything i could do to help him feel better and he said no he just needed sleep.

Another day has gone by and I haven't heard from him. I know that he genuinely might just be really tired, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around this because i always show love to my SO no matter how tired, depressed, whatever.. because it makes me feel better. Part of me is worried that he finally got sex so now he's bailing. I really never got this vibe from him but i cant help but worry

No. 146596

I wouldn't overthink it too much anon, some people just have a hard time finding the energy to be lovey or talkative when they're really exhausted. Besides, if he was just in it for sex idk that he would have bothered to waited a month (a month isn't that long but I feel like most dudes who are just in it for sex aren't even patient enough for that). And if it is just about the sex well then he wouldn't have been so hesitant to go back to his place and he wouldn't bail after only 2 times imo. You've apologized and been supportive, just wait to hear back from him, I'm sure it won't be too long, he probably is just really tired!

No. 146597

I don't know the guy so I could be wrong but it really does sound like he was just exhausted. Me and my boyfriend have a tendency to stay up late when we stay over during weekends and he sleeps really well around me apparently and deals with it fine but more often than not my sleep is absolutely fucked. It doesn't take a lot of sleep deprivation for my mental health to nosedive to the point I'm entering a state of absolute darkness (thoughts become gloomier than normal) and even physical nausea tbh. In that state I have absolutely no extra willpower to spare on anyone else. So from a very sleep-dependent anon to you, I believe him. Do with my opinion what you will.

No. 146634

Thank you for the perspective, I’ll try to be patient!

No. 146655

Are those other anons just as innocent as you or what? He 100% sounds like he got sex then decided to fuck off.

No. 146656

Shit. Well this hurts.

No. 146659

Yeah I don’t think it’s looking good either anon, but don’t act until more time has passed. He could also be very tired, keep us updated

No. 146661

Sorry anon, but any man that cared about you wouldn't become distant, give dumb excuses then stop contacting you the day after you have sex.

No. 146662

Not to sound like some autistic fuck, but I really don't know what is so strange about acting tired when you are? But it's also a scrote we're talking about so high chance he just wanted some pussy and got tired of your ass. I would still just guess he was genuinely tired.

No. 146663

I agree.
Anon, he didn't want to bring you home and have sex because he was tired, but did anyway because you wanted to… and now you're upset because he's probably catching up on sleep after not getting any and then working the next day?
I don't understand how "I don't really want to take you home and have sex today because I'm tired" = he got sex and is now fucking off. It's not like he was pushing you to have sex and is now ghosting you.

No. 146695

>match with guy on app
>we have a lot in common and he seems nice, seems like a decent job
>confesses he's separating from his wife and doesn't use social media
>check his fb and it says married, but wife's fb does seem rather solo so it could be truth
>seems eager to text, asks me for selfies constantly which I don't like
>avoid some of his sexual jokes he texts, acts apologetic
>have a video chat before first date and he showers me with compliments
>first date goes well, but we met halfway and dinner was cheap so it wasn't a big investment for him
>asks me on a second date
>texting from him slow fades
>the day of the second date he cancels "due to work"
>later texts that work canceled but he still can't go on the date due to lack of mental energy
>reply that I would've said no anyway since I already got dinner
>he asks if I want to drive a few hours to spend a half day at his vacation property where he will be staying for a week
>lol no, wanna talk later?
>he acts like he's in trouble but agrees
>I miss his text because I genuinely fell asleep early and he didn't text until late
>send an apology
>today, radio silence

So I just told him his life seemed complicated and I was moving on. He was probably cheating while his wife is away or something. Fuck scrotes. They ruin everything.

No. 146696

from how I look at it, both ways are realistically possible (either he was really tired like he said, or he got his sex and bailed). Now you just need time to see how it plays out.

>I have a hard time wrapping my head around this because i always show love to my SO no matter how tired

I know for me personally though, when I'm really tired I need everyone to fuck off including my SO and leave me alone, it's not uncommon.

No. 146700

Men are giant manbabies when they're tired. There's nothing sus about his behavior at all, even pushing himself enough to muster sex, begrudgingly dropping you off, and then trying to guilt you for stupidly locking himself out is very expected behavior. Next time don't have sex when he's like that.

No. 146703


He dumped me. Over text. He said he just didn’t see it working out long term. I’m devastated because I really liked this guy, if he was faking the whole thing he had me FOOLED. The date went SO well until we went to his place… I don’t understand

No. 146704

Like literally everything was going perfectly. He seemed head over heels for me, he introduced me to his mom on this date (we were walking his family dog)

No. 146707

Did he feel pushed into having sex or something? Maybe that's what turned him off. Some guys can be really weird about sex because of religion, self esteem, etc.

No. 146710

No, he dumped anon because he felt he did something he didn't want to do.
And if there's anything that will doom you quicker in a man's mind, it's them feeling like you forced them to do something for you. Even if they benefited temporarily from that thing (the benefit here being sex, the devaluation of anon was blaming her for his locked out keys).

Anon I know you're hurt but it's good riddance. He didn't care about you at all. You'd only be subjected to these stupid manchild games throughout the relationship.

No. 146721

Ugh. Men are fucking awful sometimes. I wish they'd talk about their problems.

Guys often act enthusiastic and do shit then completely change their minds. Have you ever promised to do something or bought something on impulse then regretted it? Men are like that all the time for everything.

No. 146779

What a shitheel. Not only the lead up, but dumping over text is one of the trashiest and most emotionally immature moves someone can make. I know it sucks right now but I agree with the other anons, it's good you found out the type of person he is early on rather than wasting months or years having to deal with this level of manchild petulance.

No. 146782


shit fuck that guy, i'm sorry anon, if he didn't want to take you home he should have just stuck to that instead of being a passiveaggressive little bitch

he def wanted sex. you didn't pressure him into anything. so what you were disappointed, you're allowed to be disappointed, it's on him for making judgment against his own sleep deprivation.

yet he totally blamed you for his inconveniences. he has communication and commitment issues and unwillingness to take any responsibility, good riddance!

No. 146784


I’ve never been so blindsided by a breakup before. Like I wouldn’t have been surprised if this guy told me he loves me at any minute. I’d give anything just to have it go back to the way it was.

I think it was my fault. On the way to his place I got really quiet and he asked me what’s wrong. I told him I was uncomfortable because I could tell he didn’t really want me to come over. He assured me that it was ok but I stayed quiet and uncomfortable until we got to his place. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. Then I started to relax and things were ok again. Then on the drive home he got quiet and that’s when this whole thing started. I wish I hadn’t been weird and anxious and fucking stupid.

The worst part is that I texted him to ask him why he didn’t think it would work out, and he never texted me back. Such a slap in the face

No. 146785

No no no no. Please don't play that game and let his inability to communicate like an adult trick you into believing this is your fault somehow. Honestly this was such a minuscule and utterly meaningless thing for him to get his panties twisted over, he clearly did not have the brain cells required to be in a relationship anyway. It is no great loss to you at all.

>Bro says doing thing is okay but seems reluctant

>Girl says he seems reluctant, tells him it's okay to back out
>Bro assures her everything is good then broods when girl actually takes him at his word
>Bro breaks up with girl for believing what he told her

In what universe does that remotely make sense? And now he can't even manage to have an honest conversation with you about what his damage is, likely because he has no clue himself. He is the definition of a manchild anon, be glad he fucked off.

No. 146786

I keep trying to understand but I just don’t get how someone can go from so caring and affectionate to being so cruel that quickly. Wtf???

No. 146787

He got what he wanted.

No. 146788


Some people will turn on you at the slightest bit of discomfort or trouble. You make one "mistake" and instead of communicating their problem or giving you an opportunity to make things right they just use it against you and cut you off. It reeks of immaturity. For the record you did nothing wrong, if he really didn't want you to come over he should have stuck to saying no and not have told you it was okay if it really wasn't, especially when you were giving him an out.

I was one of the anons who replied to your OP and told you he was probably genuinely tired so I apologize for the shitty advice. Just a good reminder to always trust your gut I guess and if it says something's off then it probably is.

No. 146789

He never pushed me for sex at all though. didn't even push me to kiss. He was very respectful in that regard

No. 146790

He got some deep seated issues that are probably better you don’t know, it’ll just hurt to stay pondering too long, try to occupy yourself with something comfy for now anon

No. 146825

I'm trying but it's so hard. still no response from him but he just unfriended me on facebook.

No. 146828

he's gay anon

No. 146829

KEK. this is true btw, i learnt this the hard way

No. 146844

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING. Imo it's really not normal to wait a whole month to have sex, and it is even weirder if the guy wasn't even that into kissing. He either wasn't attracted to anon or just gay kek. I don't think he broke up with her because "she made him do something he didn't want to do and men hate that". Just doesn't come across to me that way, it sounds more like he was genuinely kind of dreading having sex.

No. 146856

>Imo it's really not normal to wait a whole month to have sex

It's standard for a lot of people.

No. 146860

Gay? Nah. He's just got obvious issues and blamed anon for ~pressuring~ him into doing something he didn't actually wanna do despite himself agreeing to it. The sex was fine for him sure, but the effort of having to take her back made him twisted because he did not want to do this for her. Then he did something stupid and blamed anon for it. It's like gah, if only he hadn't caved in to that anon's disappointment, clearly she caused him to lock out his keys cause she just couldn't read his mind and go home! Men are this fucked up towards women they don't really care about. Men will treat you this indifferently if they want nothing to do with you and will use ANY reason to get rid of you.

I just had this very thing happen to me. Some scrote recently blamed me for making him "cave" into a relationship when I told him he could either change his relationship status to prove he was serious about me, or that I'd walk away and there would be boundaries with him. Well obviously he wanted my continuing attention, but he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Even though thats what he said to my face and led me on about for a month. So he begrudgingly agreed and I knew it wasn't gonna last. In the meantime he cut off all texting and practically ghosted me. He lasted a week before he texted me to break up. He used me "laughing at him" as the reason because I made him "uncomfortable." Actually I just sent a laugh emoji earlier when he expected me to wait weeks to months for him to make a decision about having a relationship. He used that to extrapolate that I was "laughing at his issues" when all I was doing was laughing at his excuses–which is what they were clearly! See? Now he could say I was a mean bitch to him as the breakup reason instead of being the guy who led me on and said what he didn't mean for his selfish reasons. He had no problem dumping and blocking me. BUT when I told the "just a friend" woman he'd been courting before me about his antics and she blocked him, he frantically called her and begged for her back.
Don't you see? It has nothing to do with a man being gay. It has everything to do with a man not really wanting you. Men do for women they want.

It hurts, but don't internalize it OP. There's nothing you could have done or said differently that would have made this man value you more. If not this issue, he would have used a different incident to dump you. He didn't want you, but needed a better excuse to ditch you so he wouldn't look like the bad guy. I'm sorry this happened to you but at least now you can see it for the bullshit it is.

No. 146893


so he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he dumped me because he didnt think i valued or respected him after this incident. i pointed out to him that i gave him many chances to take me home and even offered to take the bus home. He said that he shouldve been more assertive and that it wasnt my fault, and that hes been dealing with bad insomnia all week. i told him that i hoped things turned around for him, and that i wasn't going to try to convince him to stay but i was sorry for making him feel unvalued. and yeah thats where we left off. idk

No. 146895

He's not worth it, he's a manbaby.

No. 146913

Hey y'all, I need help deciding if this guy is creepy or if I'm paranoid.

>go on first date

>he's nice, easy conversation, pays for my drink
>texts me later that day
>keeps calling me cute
>posts a pic we took of the table twice
>says he should've taken a pic of me
>screenshots a selfie I send him and reposts it

He's in college and has friends/exes so those are arguments that he's not psycho, right? Is he just too eager?

No. 146918

Creepy. Would you do that?

No. 146919

No. Sigh.

No. 146920

Um yes, that is creepy. I don't think it's I'm-going-to-murder-you creepy but it is absolutely an overeager type of creepy that would cause me to not go on a second date with a dude. It's a first date. You guys are basically strangers. It's VERY weird to repost a practical strangers selfie or otherwise act so familiar with someone you just met.

Guys who act like that are basically just putting you on a pedestal because they're desperate for a relationship/sex. They aren't seeing the real you, and it could be literally any girl that they would do this to, because it's not about you, it's about the idea of the relationship/sex.

No. 146922

Thank you for being a voice of reason. Reddit and 4chan would both be filled with dudes saying "it's nothing, give him a chance". Sad because I actually liked him and he was normal in person.

No. 146923

I know how you feel! Reminds me of a dude I went on a couple dates with, totally normal and nice in person but soon he was sending me poems about what an ethereal goddess I was lmao. It sounds romantic but it just felt dehumanizing since he didn't really know me. Not saying these guys are bad people necessarily maybe just immature or not ready to date

No. 146930

So, I am having trouble gauging where some boundaries should be in my relationship.

I live with my boyfriend of 2 years, who I do love. He is a pretty secure, nice, supportive, good looking guy. we share many of the same values and interests. Things are mostly good but there is something thats been bothering me. he is REALLY into costhots/instathots and he personally knows many.

Before we started dating he had slept with a few medium success cosplayers/instagram/twitch girls most of them were…really skanky. Definitely some people who could be posted in the extreme Photoshop threads too.

Anyway, we are monogamous and I don't have a problem with him looking at porn at all, but he has this fucking obsession with girls and cosplayers he knows, some of whom follow him on socials. He will do everything he can to see their nudes if they're online somewhere. He had a patron for following female "friends'" nudes (some of the girls knew he followed, some of them didn't.) Many of the girls have boyfriends so I don't think he is specifically trying to cheat or anything like that, especially not during a pandemic. He especially likes it when he finds out a costhot follows him.

I find his specific hyperfixation on real girls who follow him, who he knows and talks to sometimes really disgusting. I don't want to go digging though his shit, because that is a major violation of trust, but I see some of his social scouring in our shared computer history. I am not sure if he has a pay onlyfans that he uses to watch his "friends" but i feel like he might.

TLDR: am I super insecure and in the wrong for wanting him to fucking stop looking at nudes of women he personally knows??? It makes me really angry.

IDK why he can't just get off to normal porn of strangers like everyone else.

No. 146934

Anon what the fuck. It’s creepy enough to be super into porn stars, but this internet stalking of people he knows personally is beyond creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s even more to it that you don’t know about. Get some real standards, Christ

Is this some Madonna whore shit or is he just a completely degenerate coomer? This is why you don’t act ok with men watching porn, give an inch…

No. 146944

I agree that it's creepy as fuck. Don't agree that restricting access to reg porn is ok, as I would never stay with a partner who was so controlling of me.

I did search his nsfw account name on OF and found that he made an account with the same profile header and image he uses. I'm thinking of just asking him if he made an account and why to see if he will fess up but it will betray that I have been snooping in our (undeleted) history and I am afraid he is just going to get better at covering his tracks.

Is it worth coming off as a cyberstalker to outright ask in order to open a candid discussion about it?

No. 146945

You know that you can have standards and that they can include men who don’t watch porn? Of course, that only makes sense if you yourself don’t watch it. But don’t let yourself be memed into thinking that having standards is controlling.

Anyway, just bring it up. I doubt it will help, at best he will act sorry and keep doing that shit in private. He’ll more likely get mad and try to turn it on you. You don’t even need to bring up the snooped stuff, just say that his obsession with real people is some sexual predator type shit (you don’t have to use those words, but damn I just can’t imagine tolerating this at all)

Have the balls to break up with him when it goes south, because things will get worse if you don’t

No. 146947

I had a similar problem, my bf was good friends with a insta/costhot who is pretty popular online. I saw she was the top searched on his Instagram one day and called him out for it cuz it’s hella creepy.
He responded by deleting all his socials without me asking, so I kinda forgave.
If I were in your shoes I’d be gone with the wind, you ain’t no cuck

No. 146980

Always trust your instincts when something feels off and don't even entertain the idea of asking inceloid creeps on Scrote-chan and Reddit if a guy sounds okay or not.

No. 146993

Finally bit the bullet and hit the guy I've probably been seeing regularly since mid-late June with the dreaded "What are we?" question last night. He said we're FWB. On paper, I wouldn't mind being a casual arrangement like this - I don't think I'm ready to invest myself in a real committed relationship at this point in time.

But I get the feeling that what we do together might be too intimate to be considered just a "friends with benefits" relationship. The fact that I'm even on this thread feeling antsy about this is likely evidence enough that I'm in too deep. Here's the thing: I'm not entirely familiar with what the boundaries between a FWB and a boyfriend are supposed to be, so it'd be helpful if a third party could help me out.

We first met on a dating app, so we were never even "friends" beforehand.
>constant pda (hand holding, cuddling, kissing, etc. including in front of his friends)

>his friends know about me

>been to his family's house and met his aunties and even his mom one time
>going on "dates" and often spending the entire day together
>stay the night at his place every time

I feel like I kinda played myself and let myself get a bit infatuated with him. He said that he's always had this apathy towards sex and dating in general, and that he never had a real girlfriend before despite the fact that he's dated other women. Did I fuck up?

No. 146994

No , hes just a sleazebag . He obviously likes you and cares about you but he wants to have his options open.
I had an ex that did that same shit when I asked what were we, and then some days later this popular/hot guy told me he wanted to bang me so I told my "fwb" that and then I said "i guess i can say yes right?" He changed SO QUICKLY to "no, you're my gf".

No. 146995

Yeah, sounds like he gets everything from you he wants from a girlfriend, without giving you any of the commitment that would usually come with this type of arrangement. The fact you are even on this thread is proof you’re in too deep. Personally, if you’re fine with way your current relationship is set up- I don’t see the issue with you continuing as long as you’re aware of where you stand with this guy. If not, I’d say cut your losses while you still can. Also, men who display “apathy” towards dating and sex are normally huge jerks, not broken wallflowers that just need a nice girl to fix them.

No. 147042


Yeah. I appreciate the feedback. If anything, it solidified the idea that I am not being a total psycho to not be ok with that.

Update, I actually did confront him (calmly) and my hand was on his shoulder for a few moments and I could feel his heart fucking POUNDING. He immediately said he signed up bc he was 'curious what one girl was posting that he used to know" and apologized and showed me that it was a free sub and took his credit card info off the site. I told him I was not cool with him paying money to see nudes of people he knows or that I know, and that it is weird. He is a not a confrontational guy and he agreed and said that was fair.

I still don't think he understands that it is uncool that he has so much interest in acquaintances's OF and lewds, but that is a deeper problem.

Anyway I'm going to keep an eye out for sketchy shit now, but i suspect if he is up to anything he is going to work extra hard to keep me from seeing it.

No. 147043

His heart was pounding bc he knows what he's doing is wrong

No. 147046

A guy I was talking to for a couple months in my mutual friend group would always take hours and sometimes days to reply, and never initiated conversations, only reply when I started them. Now that I’ve dropped him due to his clear lack of interest, he’s started crawling back and asking if I’ve gotten his texts and always talking to me with our friends and seeking me out. He seemed quite sad about me not replying anymore, but this is after months of attempts to get him to formally ask me on a date or create conversation. I should just continue to ignore him, right? He’s even telling friends that he likes me, when originally he said he couldn’t be sure he did until we talked more. I don’t see the game he’s playing at, unless he was just an attention whore.

No. 147050

> quite sad about me not replying anymore, but this is after months of attempts to get him to formally ask me on a date or create conversation
He doesn't want to date you, he wants you to randomly message him saying you're horny some night, imo that's what he's hanging on in hopes of. Not a relationship or anything that requires effort on his part.

No. 147051

The weird thing is he was never sexual in any form, didn’t even pick up on attempts at flirting, so ultimately I assumed he had no interest at all. I’ve come to the conclusion he probably was trying to play multiple cards at once and decided on me, as if that would work at all.

No. 147065

Sounds like he had some irons in the fire, or was feeling lukewarm on you and now he's suddenly lonely so that option is looking a lot more appealing. I don't think that's an automatic deal-breaker, he could grow to like you for real, but you shouldn't be particularly flattered about this. It's definitely worth proceeding with caution and not getting attached since there is a high chance of being used. if you just want to fuck, thats fine. If you want something deep you might want to wait for someone to come along who is actually excited to talk to you from the beginning.

No. 147121

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and everytime we have plans he never sets an alarm and I have to call him over and over to wake him up. Well today we have plans, he suggested them to me, actually, and I wake up early so I can do my usual routine of getting him to wake up at a decent hour, and today his phone died. I tried messaging him through discord but no luck. So I'm sitting here feeling like shit because my adult boyfriend cant wake himself up and I'm basically being stood up. If he doesnt wake up before 3 then I'm also gonna have no fucking ride to work, icing on the cake I guess.

No. 147129

I'm sorry anon, that sounds really shitty and frustrating. How does he even hold down a job if he can't maintain a schedule on his own?

No. 147131

Did he ever wake up?

No. 147134

He's taking you for granted. If he really cared about you then he'd haul ass.

No. 147141

suffocate him with a pillow. you'll never have to wake him up again.

No. 147146

Don't take this the wrong way anon, but you set the wrong tone the second you took over an adult man's responsibility to wake his self out of bed. If he can get out of bed for school or work, then he could do it for you too. The issue at play is that he now takes for granted that you will be the motivator.
The problem now is, now that you see this as a problem, any reasonable criticism or boundary you put up for this behavior will likely end with him thinking you're suddenly a bitch for wanting him to be more responsible for himself.

You can try talking to him, but I doubt this will change. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long but it's not normal.

No. 147163

I feel so lost in life. I grew up with a crack whore mother, no dad, no siblings, never met my cousins and my grandparents are dead. As soon as I turned 18 I left. I went into horrible relationships but couldn't leave because I had no other family or friends. I finally enrolled in uni but just announced the entire semester will be online. The few friends I were making all went back home. I'm working a decent job saving money but dont see a purpose in anything without a relationship. Guys I meet on dating apps ghost if they dont get sex immediately. The few times I waited and felt their was something,I still get ghosted. I dont see a purpose in living with zero family, friends, a significant other.

No. 147183

Looking for some general advice on a complicated situation. I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years, who we'll call Amy. My problem is she refuses to attend any kind of social event with my boyfriend. The reason is that one of her friends, let's call her Bella, used to date my boyfriend. They dated for about 4 months and never became 'official', but I guess the split really upset her, because Amy refuses to be around my boyfriend on her behalf. Afaik he didn't do anything to hurt her, but the split was on his terms. They broke up at the very beginning of the year, and haven't spoken since.

I was sympathetic at first because sure, awkward situations and I didn't want Amy to feel like she was being caught in the middle of something, especially if she felt she needed to support Bella. But we've been together since April now, and I'm not asking her to hang out just the 3 of us, literally just attend some social gatherings like a bbq with loads of other people. My boyfriend has made it clear he won't try to interact with her if she doesn't want him to. But every time I invite her to something, her first response is 'if your boyfriend is there, then no'. Is it unfair of me to expect our friendship to at least mean she'd try to be civil? Do you think with more time, this will pass? I don't want to be made to pick between them because by all means I don't want to lose her, but I guess I'm getting frustrated, I've never dealt with something like this before.

No. 147184

I’m not saying relationships in general aren’t worthwhile anon, of course they can be very meaningful, but everyone is in a weird place with COVID right now. Life will eventually go back to normal and you’ll have a more typical level of social interaction at that point.

Until then and in general, it’s important to find comfort being on your own. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough life and been on your own for a long while, but when you’re desperate for any type of contact at all, that’s how you get stuck in those crappy relationships and accept less than you deserve from people. My humble advice is that you need to find activities and goals that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment in yourself. When you have a base level of contentment then having other people consistently around is a bonus but not a necessity, so you can pick and choose the good ones.

The fact that you have a good job and got into uni in itself is admirable. You’re already doing awesome. There are a lot of crappy guys out there true, but sometimes you have to go through a lot of trash to find the hidden gem. I just hope you prioritize your own growth over a relationship.

No. 147185

Honestly, I'd do nothing. If she wants to pout and miss out on fun events that's on her. Let her wake up one day and realize she's become socially inept.

No. 147187

This is weird and stupid. It’s not even Amy who used to date your boyfriend, but some third party? Is she 12? Come on.

I would have a heart to heart with her and say that boyfriend is a part of your life now and it hurts that she avoids you because of this relationship. He didn’t do anything wrong to her and it doesn’t even sound like he was dismissive of the friend he used to date. I totally agree that she’s prioritizing this non-issue of existing in the same space as a guy over a 10-year friendship, which is insane.

Ultimately though people are going to do what they want, so if she makes this the hill she wants the friendship to die on, so be it. You aren’t the unreasonable one.

No. 147188

Unless he did something really fucked up to Bella (which I'm guessing he didn't or Amy would have mentioned it), Amy is being a huge baby for sure. If she has a legitimate issue with the guy, she should explain it to you like an adult. Otherwise, she needs to get over herself.

No. 147212

It could be that she has a crush on your boyfriend, or it could be that this guy is a huge creep and you aren't seeing it. It could be that the way you act around your boyfriend weirds her out or makes her feel neglected. For a 10 year friendship, it's worth it to plan a social activity with her and without your boyfriend and try to figure out what's going on.

No. 147223

More of a vent if anything, but I'm NEVER going to pursue a guy recommended by my mutual friends ever again.
I gave the last moid too much benefit of the doubt and was nice, when ordinarily I would have stuck to my guns and upheld boundaries all because my good friend stanned for him and assured me he was good. In reality he was leading me on, manipulating me into accepting the contact he had with exes/women he was interested in before me, and ultimately lying to me about his intentions. He used me for his ego validation and then discarded me when I asked him to prove he was actually going to commit to me in the way he had said. That bastard was just fielding his options and wasn't taking me seriously at all. He covered his bullshit by trying to claim "mental illness" but I saw through that and properly called him out. Yeah, I was mean to him about it but that shitbag embarrassed me and wasted my time.

Unfortunately when I told my friend about it (who I now feel is a bit of a pickme herself) even though she ultimately sided with me she thought I was still too mean because she thoroughly believed that scrote's mental illness excuse. I'm pissed that he might have damaged my friendship with her because society is still too conditioned to forgive men for being manipulators and liars as long as they claim anxiety or some shit because god forbid there's consequences to fucking with a woman's life and feelings.

No. 147229

her having feelings for him has crossed my mind, but I have no proof of that. It just seems like her reaction is so…ott. I know I"m bias but I've never got a dodgy feeling from my bf and I don't know anyone else that has a negative opinion of him. I will try to meet up with her just us two and see if I can calmly confront her about it.

No. 147230

Ugh I'm sorry to hear all this anon, I haaate when people use mental illness as a shield to defend shithead behavior.

I have a mental illness, my boyfriend has a mental illness, several of my friends have fucking mental illnesses… it doesn't mean we go around using other people, lying about our intentions and generally causing pain and suffering to those around us. In fact if anything I try to be extra careful of how I treat others because I know I can't always trust my own perspective. Mental illness may make relationships harder but it's NOT an excuse for bad behavior, especially when you already know about your condition. He should've taken some fucking responsibility for himself like any competent adult would. I'm glad you called him out.

No. 147231

Thank you anon, that really put a smile on my face

No. 147261

I don't know if it's me, or the big city that I live in, but I find it so hard to connect with anyone. Even on dating apps where you'd think that being a pretty average but cute girl would give you plenty of choice, I hardly get any chat.

I recently went on a few dates and had sex with a cute guy and had a really good chemistry in person which made me pretty hopeful, asked him something pretty innocuous a few days ago and since then, no texts.

Did I say something dumb? Should I not sleep so early with people? Did he get back with an ex after all?

I'm too prideful to double text to know why but I'm really annoyed just because I'm fairly good a reading people and we definitely had a nice chemistry in person.

No. 147343

A lot of men use Tinder for hook-ups. Personally, I would not have sex with a man until at least three months of commitment (without telling them). It weeds em out.

No. 147351

I'd stick with this advice. Also, I actually found my long-term boyfriend through Tinder, but I specifically stated on my profile that I wasn't looking for hook-ups. Did men who wanted hook-ups still contact me anyway? Sure, but it also helped communicate to the guys who similarly wanted something meaningful that I might be a good fit.

No. 147370

I wasn't specifically on Tinder and it seems that guy was looking for a relationship himself. But maybe I should give a try to not sleep with someone right away, that wouldn't hurt.

Though to be fair, my latest "boyfriend" was a guy I hooked up right away and we then decided to give dating a try while being exclusive. He was very nice and honest, but I still broke it off within a month because we didn't really mesh as a couple.

I'm not even against a potential FWB situation but I still need someone who'd show basic respect and not just text me whenever he wants his dick wet or ghost me out of the blue. Maybe I should try dating men in their late 30s.

No. 147372

>Maybe I should try dating men in their late 30s.
Sure, if you have literally zero dignity and self respect. Fucking hell, as if an old man will 'respect' you. If he wanted a woman he could respect, he'd get one his own age.

No. 147373

As someone dating men in their late 30s, they’re absolutely no better, if not worse.

No. 147374

My friends though dating older would make a difference but it doesn’t. They’re like this at all ages.

No. 147393

I’ve had some flings and one night stands and whatever but now that I actually want to maybe date someone I have absolutely no idea what to do. Or if I even want a relationship with him. I’m fuckin 29. It’s long distance and I hate texting. What could go wrong.

No. 147408

>It’s long distance
Run awaaaay, this will not end well. Temporarily going long-distance after a period of regular dating is one thing, but relationships that start long-distance will stay that way. I've never seen one end well for anybody.

No. 147425

File: 1597336461319.jpeg (180.58 KB, 1600x1067, B8F12D28-13F5-4F55-B8C4-AC991B…)

Does anyone here have experience with couples therapy?
How long had you been together? What made you try it? Did it help?

No. 147430

I'm telling you this from experience, and because I want to help you. Any man who respects you would not be FWB or hook up on the first date. Men know that any time they have sex with you, there's a chance of getting you pregnant. A good man would respect the difficult position that puts you in and never push for it. But most men are shitheads. Because there's almost no risk to them, they don't care. I'm afraid for you because you described a man you knew for a month as nice and honest, as if that was enough time to truly know, and knowing that men tend to pretend to be decent men to get laid quickly. You're valuable and you deserve a respectful guy. Please be careful.

No. 147433

update to this whole debacle, turns out he’s been talking to multiple girls in our friend circle and his favorite was one with a boyfriend, so he was talking to me as a backup. I could not be happier I blocked him when I did and stopped engaging. Thanks for your advice, it was spot on. He’s staying blocked and now all our friends know what a scumbag he is.

No. 147434

I was long distance with a guy for a year then we moved to be together and eventually got married. Stayed together for 5 years before getting a divorce. So I guess that doesn't disprove that they don't end well, but we did break up for reasons aside from the distance lol.

No. 147438

I haven't personally anon, but a close friend has and she's still with her boyfriend. I was there through all the chaos and I can see they're genuinely happy now, so yes, it helped. As in all instances of therapy, you genuinely have to desire change for it to work. The therapist isn't magically going to fix everything, and to be blunt they know jack shit about you and your partner at the start, so the process is really about them trying to help you help yourselves. That can't work if one or both of you is just trying to prove the other wrong, hoping the other person will do all the work, doesn't believe they actually need to be there, etc. Some reluctance and discomfort is understandable at first, but overall everyone should be on board and agree there's an issue you both need to put effort in to fix.

They'd been together for several years before they went. The issue was a mix of the boyfriend having trust issues from his prior relationship, anger and too much drinking. Girlfriend had her own trust issues, was a bit too controlling and took everything personally, even in times when there was truly no reason for it. They're much more understanding of each other these days, though that wasn't only thanks to therapy but open communication, doing their own reading/self improvement and a desire to get better.

No. 147477

Well, I’ve been for 5 years with my bf, one of long distance and we couldn’t be more happy together.
If you hate texting I’d say it’s not worth it since it’s double the work communication wise. It’s hard and I wouldn’t recomment it unless you’re absolutely sure he’s your soulmate and both parts dedicate yourselves to the other.

No. 147597

I haven't seen my SO in 6 months and in that time my overbite/crooked teeth got worse and my mouth looks even more strange due to my teeth pushing my lips and skin in weird directions do you think my SO will not be attracted to me anymore

No. 147598

Should I break up with my boyfriend? He told me when I was having a rough patch, he got off to porn because I wasn't there for him. To me this just says he hardly has any loyalty to me. Before this it felt exclusive, but now I feel like I'm just another body to him since clearly he can desire anyone else the second I am depressed. I don't watch pornography or lust after any other man, in my eyes he's all I could ever want. Am I being overdramatic? Legit feels like I was cheated on. This is my first relationship btw.

No. 147609

I went through this exact experience anon. The choice is yours, and I would factor in a number of things. How strong is your relationship outside of this experience? Do you generally have good communication? Did the two of you discuss porn usage prior to this happening (did you both decide if it was allowed or not in the relationship)?

I'm fine with my boyfriend viewing porn because I have used it in the past as well, albeit infrequently. So long as we have a healthy sex life and he's keeping his usage private, it was fine. But when I was depressed we also had a lot less sex, and so I felt like he allowed the porn to replace our own intimacy. That being said, he doesn't have a lot of experience around depressed people and it's a hard thing for a lot of partners to understand. He told me that because I was less "present" he himself felt unwanted, so approaching me for sex felt strange. The porn was a quick and easy way to orgasm, but there were no emotions tied to it. It was an impersonal tool, he wasn't joining people's OnlyFans accounts or talking to other women.

Did he handle it the best way? No, I would rather he came to me and expressed himself so we could've addressed the lack of connection he felt, rather than him letting his own feelings further pull us apart. But imo porn is less about actual desire than just a means to an end. If your boyfriend isn't using it now or is using it less and your sex life is back to normal, then I'd tell himyou'd rather he be more open with you during difficult times instead of closing off like that. Depression is a tough thing for a lot of people to grasp and not take personally.

No. 147676

i think you'll be fine. they probably think you look beautiful no matter what.

No. 147684

Currently have a gigantic painful crush on an internet friend. Problem is that I'm not into long distance and both of us are in pretty bad spots mentally. I'd like to distance myself from her for a while, maybe 2 weeks, to focus on myself so I can hopefully get over her.

Should I tell her why I want to distance myself? Or should I just say I need a break to focus on me, leaving out the crush part?

I really want to tell her but I'm not sure if that would be a strange thing to do. We aren't even that close. Casual friends at best. I feel like a creep, honestly, I don't know why I like her so much. But god it really doesn't help when she insists on flirting with me…

No. 147691

there's nothing creepy about developing feelings for someone who is kind to you / you enjoy talking to, so don't beat yourself up. Taking a few weeks for yourself is a great idea, definitely do that, but I wouldn't tell her. Just say you need to focus on your personal life at home for a few weeks, and for her not to worry but you'll reach out again when your time isn't needed elsewhere. If you return and you still feel strongly for her, then consider telling her. But you might find the time apart will help alleviate your crush anyway.

No. 147709

File: 1597514915696.jpg (122.91 KB, 1200x1186, 20200729_174111-1.jpg)

Have you ever dated an autistic man?

What were your experiences? I might need help.

No. 147710

I had an aspergers friend develop feelings for me and while we didn't date he seemed to convince himself that we were dating. He had issues around respecting boundaries, especially when it came to touch and oversharing his porn tastes with me. Got to the point where I couldn't keep up the friendship so I moved house and never told him my new address. Heard years later that he still regularly told people he'd been callously dumped by me. Again we weren't dating and I even had a bf at the time.

Met another aspergers male years later and was only friendly with him through a class we took together.. he started to overshare talk of his masturbation habits with me and it was basically a repeat of the first guy but without the stalking this time. I now work in a field full of them and I'm very cautious because it seems enough of them suffer with those same issues.

No. 147711

BF has mild autism (I didn’t even know he had it until he told me) and he’s extremely sweet and thoughtful. He’s actually great at listening and really does try to understand why I feel the way I do even though it’s hard for him. Sometimes he absent-mindedly says things that may seem rude or mean but if he ever senses that he does, he’s super apologetic. He also needs his space sometimes and can be a little quiet but I like that. A couple of my friends have said they wish they could have a boyfriend like mine. So personally my experience has been great. However, two of my friends have dated autistic men and whilst one was just your generic spergy autist who can’t dress and mansplains everything, the other was a violent asshole. I think it depends on the man more than the autism from what I’ve seen.

No. 147714

growing up with an autistic father has taught me one very important lesson: never get into (any sorts of) relationship with an autistic man.

Men are already shitty enough creatures to begin with and finding one who's good is already hard enough, I genuinely don't see why you would voluntarily get yourself involved with a man who's autistic on top of that, sorry anons who are dating autists. The risk is not worth it.

No. 147715

Samefag, in addition: I believe you also need to think on the long-term just to be safe. Do you potentionally want biological kids in the future? If so, do you want to risk getting kids with autism? Autism is largely caused by genetics. A coworker of mine has a husband and three children all with aspergers, they make the poor woman's life very very tough.

In short, in my opinion dating an autistic man is never a good idea.

No. 147717

So my boyfriend has a really bad habit of cancelling on our hangouts last minute. He deals with mental health issues so it's usually that he's not feeling good mentally or that he's tired or something like that. It really frustrates me, because I put in the effort to get ready to see him for nothing and it seems disrespectful of my time. He says I should be more flexible, that we've been dating for two years and so seeing each other doesn't need to be some grand event and if he comes over, cool, and if not, cool, and maybe I just shouldn't get ready until he confirms the day of. It's hard to explain why that upsets me, I know one of my flaws is I'm not very flexible or good at dealing with changes in plans, but I'm always looking forward to see him and I only cancel very rarely, and it just makes me feel desperate to basically wait around to see whether or he's going to be up for it or not. Can anyone help me phrase my issue to him better so he understands it a bit more? Or am I just being unnecessarily stubborn here? Not really sure what to do because this is like a consistent disagreement we have

No. 147721

Yeah, I don't know about your boyfriends specific mental health issues but it does sound like he could be trying more. It's definitely ok to cancel on occassion but at this point it sounds like he's using it as an easy way out. A relationship is give and take after all. Mental illness is hard but he needs to suck it up some days. He might even end up feeling a bit better. Mental health is rarely helped from just staying at home honestly. I bet you would be willing to make plans around how he feels as well. I don't know how often you see each other, that's another factor here, I guess.

Basically I would tell him that you are understanding of his issues but that you feel hurt when he abruptly cancels so often as it feels for you like you're investing more than he is? Just talk about it from your perspective, no blame-language and just reiterate how much you care and he should understand

No. 147725

Tell him it's not fair towards you that only you are expected to compromise.

No. 147727

Thank you! He usually stays the night at my place Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday and while he does follow through more than he cancels, he cancels enough that it's been a thing. I have mental health issues myself so I'm definitely as understanding as I can be, and I'm totally cool if we just chill at home, but like you said at this point it seems like an excuse to be flaky. I will definitely take both of you guys' advice!

No. 147751

File: 1597550655586.jpg (16.99 KB, 300x300, 300px-Crying_Cat_with_paw_up.j…)

It's almost impossible for me to meet anyone I would be open to getting know/getting comfortable around and I finally met someone recently, for the first time since the last date I went on which was dec 2019. I'm pretty sure tho they have lost all interest in me after just 4 dates, which is exactly when I started to really like them. I'm so depressed, I thought I was finally ascending from being a femcel. I don't even know weather we had any long term potential, I'm just so sad that I wont even get a chance to find out or get to know him better because I really started to feel comfortable and enjoy time I spent with him. I don't know what I did wrong because he seemed really interested in me originally and that interest has decreased, tbh I think the main issue is a huge difference in education and IQ (in his favor) and also the fact that he has a significant career in STEM and I don't have shit going on in my life rn because of coronavirus, but then IDK why he bothered to even spend more then 1-2 dates with me, like it was pretty obvious from the get go. The saddest part is I don't think he really understood that I'm shy and thinks Im not particularly attracted him or into him when I am, but I feel I have no avenue to communicate that now without sounding weird. How do I keep from being extremely depressed and crying?

No. 147755

Thank you for this, you ended up being very right. This would have been a horrible day for her to get that kind of news. Bless you anon.

No. 147759

been dating an autistic guy for a year now, slight red flags showing but we're at the point where we say I love you

I'm slightly autistic myself, (but it does manifest differently in females) and don't want kids. still an awful idea to continue? I know I won't do better in a while and I have no friends whatsoever where I live. halp

No. 147774

Nta but you're right that it manifests differently in women, usually to the point where most can easily still date non-autistic males. If you're high functioning you really don't have to settle for an autistic man. Let's be real..autism in males is a whole other level of problems compared to the average asd woman.

No. 147825

Can a basically sexless relationship be happy? I have a very low libido currently and the thought of having to have sex every week or multiple times a week to satisfy a partner creeps me the fuck out. However my bf of 3 years has close to no libido and it’s a once a month kind of deal, vanilla and honestly pretty boring, and he doesn’t really seem to enjoy it. In the beginning we did it quite often and it was pretty kinky, when the novelty of a new partner wore off I was always the initiator till we got to this point. He doesn’t masturbate and he’s not secretly gay. Honestly I love him a lot and I don’t really miss passionate sex, but still, it’d be nice to do that every once in a while? But I get sick at the thought of breaking up with him, I’d miss him so much.

I previously briefly long distance dated a dude with very high libido and very kinky, it was fun online at first but we met up irl and it turned out he didn’t take no for an answer and didn’t care much if he hurt me. Risking a pornsick cumbrain again absolutely terrifies me but I’m not sure if that’s due to unresolved trauma or a realistic fear.

No. 147826


Your situation actually sounds like the dream to me, anon. I after a few long term relationships where my libido simmered down every time, my ideal future LTR partner would be someone who doesn’t want to fuck more than like once a month, and isn’t going to fuck around with other people to get any more than that. Maybe I’m asexual idk.

No. 147828

I can't give you advice but I'm asexual and can't feel aroused enough to ever have sex. How do you find a low libido man who isn't completely depressed and boring? I wish I had that.

No. 147873

He’s got ADHD, I think that’s part of the reason. Unrelated to the sex thing (he wasn’t depressed) but I made him go to therapy for his mommy issues/childhood traumas and he went willingly and came out genuinely better. I’d never date a dude again that refuses therapy.

No. 147882

File: 1597663343096.jpg (93.13 KB, 640x426, saving money.jpg)

My boyfriend and I are about to move. We're not poor but we don't have a super high income either. I want to save money and he wants to take out a 1500€ loan on his credit card for the move. I'm generally not into loaning money or paying stuff off, either you can save up for it or you obviously cannot afford it and then you just end up paying more because of interest. How do you guys suggest we talk about this and maybe compromise? I would be fine with him taking out a small loan if we need it last minute but as he just paid off his credit card debt I don't really want him to go down that road again. It seems so unnecessary to me. Any advice?

No. 147893

I think if it's more useful to you to move right away then take a loan and move, and if you can deal with not moving for a while then save up money. When taking a loan you can think of the extra interest you will pay off later as the price for getting that money right away, so consider if that benefit is worth the price

No. 147976

File: 1597716538637.gif (497.93 KB, 500x283, 1400291178737.gif)

Late, but I tried with a four-year relationship that was on its last leg after my ex broke the engagement. We lived with each other for two months before he went into a deep depression because he didn't want to fuck one woman forever. I was desperate to hold onto him so I convinced him to give it a try.

Imo couples therapy helps to open communication, not fix it. If you feel even a little bit that you aren't right for each other, I'd save your money. At our second session, the therapist made us think of a list of our individual values and wrote it on the chalkboard. They were very different and most clashed with each other. I remember right after we left, I just started crying in the elevator and my ex silently hugged me. We both knew it was dead.

At the time, I blamed the therapist for wedging our differences but honestly it was inevitable.

No. 147990

what dating apps yall use

which one do you like best

No. 147991

Need some advice about how to communicate something that annoys me without saying it in a rude way… my boyfriend has a habit of constantly talking about stories from high school or earlier in his life and it's starting to really annoy me (as awful as that sounds). From what I've gathered, he peaked in high school and I can't count the number of times he's told me the same stories about how the senior girls loved him and babied him when he was a freshman, stories about how someone wronged him in high school, stories about things he used to do with his friends in high school… it feels like we could be talking about any subject and somehow he will find a way to relate it back to something that happened in high school. We're talking about a crime that happened in the area? Well, he knew three people in high school who ended up committing a crime and will describe their entire backstories to me. We're talking about kayaking? Oh, well when he was vacationing in Maui with his best friend as a kid, they went kayaking and they did this and they did that. It ends up shutting down the conversation because no matter what we're talking about, it turns into storytime about earlier in his life that I've already heard before, so I sit there silently and no longer want to talk about what the original topic was. I'm aware that he had some hardships as a kid so he is probably latched on to the years of his life that did feel safe and happy, which is why he keeps talking about them.

I'm aware that I sound bitchy because its good that he wants to share his experiences and life with me, but it becomes frustrating when he rarely asks me about MY life growing up. When I am talking about my own life or something bad that happened to me as a kid, he follows up by telling me about how much fun he had doing something similar as a kid. If I tell him about how my parents strongly controlled my food intake growing up and it led to me having problems as an adult, he'll respond by saying that his parents let him eat whatever he wanted growing up and he never had any rules. When this happens, how do I respectfully redirect the conversation without saying something like "I know, you've told me this story before, your growing years were so amazing, I don't want to hear it again." Or how do I bring this annoyance/concern up in a constructive way? I don't want to hurt him.

No. 148017

I don't know if this is the best advice, but my boyfriend is similar and he never asked me about myself. After a year together I finally asked him while we were stoned (so in a good mood), Why don't you ever ask me about my life? He said he didn't realize he was doing it. I told him it seems like I always asked him about his life but then I'd just have to add shit about myself because he never seemed to really care. I told him it made me feel unloved. He kind of denied it and then I confronted him with the question, okay, so what do you know about my childhood or school years? He could barely think of anything. After that he started asking me about my past and actually paying attention. I felt like an asshole at the time but I think it was for the best to bring it up. I think men are very self centered and clueless about other people's feelings and they don't realize it until it's pointed out. Also those boring stories about his past are less boring now that I actually get to contribute my boring stories as well. I guess there's always the chance that if you bring it up with your bf he will man baby himself into a pout but if he's worth keeping he will listen to your concerns. At the least you could ask him why he doesn't seem interested in the things you say or why he seems to always turn it back into something about himself. I think he probably doesn't even know he's doing it or how obnoxious it is.

No. 148142

Q: Is it a yellow flag if a new bf invites you to do a vacation you've wanted for your birthday and then says that you'll have to pay for some of it?

Backstory: Met this older guy off OLD, so far he's been respectful and had paid for my dates and surprises me with thoughtful gifts. Genuinely seems interested in getting to know me and texts and talks every day to me. He seems to want the same relationships goals as I do. However I'm not altogether impressed by his job prospect, I think he's stuck to a job that's comfortable but is hesitant to push himself harder to make more money.
Anyways, he knew that I love the beach because I had talked about it, and proposed a weekend getaway on the coast for my birthday which is coming up. I was really excited, he picked out a few places through his own ambition and ran them by me, however he did tell me I would have to pay for a little bit because it would've been tough on him to budget for everything. And obviously, that's due to the fact that he gets paid the same amount that I do and ergo doesn't make a hell of a lot to cover a full trip alone. He's covering the extra deposit on the place, and I'm assuming he's calculating for taking me out on dates and other things which require money while we're there, plus the gas to travel.
So maybe it's not entirely unreasonable? I don't think I'm being greedy, but I'm just so fearful of men taking financial advantage of me like others have done in the past.
I'm preferring to reframe this in my mind as this: What if I attempted to make this trip alone for myself? Technically I'd be paying more cause I'd have to pay entirely for myself, food, and gas. So it's still possible to have a good time in this man's company for cheaper than I would if I were to take this as a red flag and go myself.

What does lolcow think? Is this reasonable?

No. 148143

Sounds completely reasonable to me. Seems like he's already spent a decent amount of money on you. It sounds to me like you just don't actually want to go on a holiday with him in particular.

No. 148144

I don't think it's that, like I said men asking me for money just makes me nervous because of past trauma. If it's reasonable that's okay, I just needed the outside perspective to be sure.

No. 148147

Girl, dump him. He is a pornsick coomer. There is no way you can change him, unless he accepts he has a porn addiction. ( Idgaf what y'all think, consuming content like this for masturbating material is on the same level as consuming porn ) And even if you address to him it is a problem, he will either deny or be more secretive about this. Thread with caution and if you are not too emotionally invested please leave. There are men who aren't pornsick coomers.

No. 148159

For some context
>Me and my boyfriend were both dealing with our own mental problems (his depression, mine social anxiety) and decided to take a break until we decided to get together again

How do we make things work? I don't want to go on a break but I know he needs it. He told me if I can improve my anxiety there's a good chance we can be together again but he keeps becoming suicidal and telling me he wants to cut off everyone (me and all of his friends)

No. 148164

Sounded like he was just asking you to use some of your own money on the trip/yourself and not asking for himself to use them directly so his motives seem pretty clear cut.

No. 148178

Girl leave. He has a gf who has no problem with him watching porn (I'm cool with that too but on here you see just how rare that is) and he still isn't happy with that? He's been taking you for a fool for 2 years and counting. I wouldn't stick around and wait for him to cheat. Because he will, and many would already consider him to be a cheat for what he's doing now.

No. 148183

I get where you are coming from. I had an ex who in the beginning was generous with paying for things. Then after a while I noticed a pattern of him planning a date to treat me..then springing me with some of the cost once we are already there. It rubbed me the wrong way that he was the one planning it, calling it treating me and then basically instructing me to get my wallet out for certain parts of the 'treat' It came off as controlling behaviour under the guise of being generous. It all depends on whether you've been asked and informed in advance. If he already booked something and then landed you with part of the bill after already booking.. that's a flag. If he asks you from the start that seems fine.

I don't know what OLD is but if he's an older guy and he's dating a younger out of his league woman then vain as this sounds.. it would be more typical for an older guy to just pay and know that he's being reimbursed by having someone so out of his league entertain him.. maybe you guys are dating seriously though, I dunno.

No. 148188

Thanks for your reply! I'm sorry about your former relationship, anon.
I will probably look into doing relationship counceling once we have enough money saved up. I've had some thoughts that we don't fit but I'm also very willing to make it work and my bf is as well, so it would be a shame not to at least try it.

No. 148208

Oh yeah I didn't mean to imply that I thought he was just taking my money for the hell of it. He's been transparent insofar as asking upfront and showing me the invoice.

I should have worded my concern like this anon here >>148183, my actual concern is what this may snowball into down the line. It was just weird to me for him to offer to take me somewhere as a treat but then say that I'd have to pay for part of it. He's doing it enough in advance, but I just thought older men from OLD(on line dating) might be more financially secure to not need to ask. I was just making sure that sounded normal but evidently it's common. And like I said, I'm sure he's probably calculating his cost for gas and food while we're there so it's not like he's cheating me in some way. I'm just so, so cautious due to how my last ex was towards me regarding travel–I busted my butt to take us both to Japan through my job but during the trip he was a pennypincher and didn't even appreciate that I was the one who got us to Japan. He treated me like shit but then had the audacity to act like he made a meaningfully contribution to it despite the fact that I did all the heavy financial planning and mental/literal labor for it.

No. 148209

No contact during the break, not even a text, especially if he gets “suicidal” and he knows he can reach out to you to be his therapist. Also, prepare for the break to be final and to end your relationship for good once it’s over. It’s either the end, or the start of really changing stuff which requires a lot of work. Just prepare for the worst.

No. 148211

okay so what happens if you've been dating a borderline emotionally abusive asshole who shattered your self confidence but also he's the only person to make you feel understood and happy and not lost and when you don't have talking to him to look forward to you literally feel suicidal?

I know it's pathetic, I tried dating other men and they suck and bore me and I start hating them for not being him

I tried being happy with being myself and then I tell myself I'm finally over him and I can reach out to him and we can just be friends now which will be good for me because I'm so lonely and then I fool myself back into heartbreak

No. 148212

Have you asked yourself why you think those men are boring?
I put it to you, anon, that the main reason why you think your abusive ex was better was because he kept you on an emotional roller coaster where the lows were so fucking bad that the momentary hills of happiness seemed better than they actually were by comparison. It's a mind trick and gaslighting. You may be over him, but it sounds like you still crave the 'excitement' of a toxic relationship that you were conditioned to crave.
What if we told you that having stabilized feelings and a sense of consistency–albeit boring–is actually normal? Sis other people will understand you and treat you better out there.

No. 148237

Tbh, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, but I find "breaks" rarely go well, particularly when you don't have an established timeline or agreement for how you guys are going to go about things to make the relationship better. And especially when he is tasking you with needing to undergo some very serious change - if you have legit anxiety that's something that's going to take months of therapy to genuinely work through, same for him working through his depression. If you are seriously determined to make this work then I think you guys need to very specifically address what the issues are in the relationship and exactly what you're going to be doing to work through it and determine some sort of check in point like a month down the line so you guys aren't in limbo forever. And like >>148209 said, no contact during the break and keep your expectations low for getting back together.

No. 148239

Girl stop being goofy. I mean that in the nicest and most empathetic way possible because I've been there, done that. Cut him out of your life and move on, it's the only way. I know it's easier said than done, especially when he feels like he's your life right now and the only person that can make you feel good, but you are worth so much more than a guy who would destroy you like that. I promise you, one day you will look back and think wtf was I doing sacrificing so much of myself for a guy who would treat me like that? Turn to friends, cultivate yourself, your life, your hobbies, make plans to look forward to, get into therapy if you need to. This dude is nothing.

No. 148241

Man it's like looking in a mirror. I've been here too, seems a common thing. Guess what, you're codependent. Get therapy for that or read some books on it. It's not normal for another person to be the entire crux of your happiness and self worth. I get it, believe me, your self esteem is tied to that idiot's whims which is why you're so fragile right now. That's why you have to work on overcoming the things he told you and find your own sense of peace.

Definitely cut all contact with him. He will only drag you down and distract you from rebuilding your confidence, even as a "friend." Maybe take a break from dating in general. You don't seem to be in the right place for a relationship right now.

No. 148242

anon are you me?
seriously though, the advice people have given you is excellent. me and my ex broke up over a year ago and i still have problems with this because i ignored it for so long. i mean, i'm over him, but i'm still subconsciously fucked up because of things he did. i'm not trying to scare you though, i just don't want you making the mistakes i did post breakup.
it's good that you're recognizing he was abusive. now cut him off. he doesn't deserve your friendship or an explanation. and please go to therapy if you aren't already. it doesn't work for everyone but it was so helpful for me. and i only even went in because he made me think i was a bpdfag lol. i still have my doubts but i might've never even recognized that what happened was wrong if it wasn't for therapy. and it might be eye opening for you in similar ways.
stop dating and looking for someone to replace him. they're all gonna be boring because they aren't gonna be him. focus on yourself, focus on female friendships. you got this and i wish you the best.

No. 148245

>stop dating and looking for someone to replace him. they're all gonna be boring because they aren't gonna be him. focus on yourself, focus on female friendships. you got this and i wish you the best.
NTA but what if I have the same issue cause I am looking for a female friend and not only I have no idea how/where to look, the few potential friends were boring AF to me cause they were nothing like my past ~soulmate~ bestfriend? It kills me that I lost her and I am so alone. I don't want to meet her clone, just someone else who would get me.
Sage for slight offtopic

No. 148247

i'm sorry to hear that. i know its easier said than done but focus on the fact that people come and go for a reason. be thankful for the good times and memories you had but realize that your current loneliness is romanticizing those memories, which makes it hard to cultivate new ones. there are so many people you haven't met yet who will love you and vice versa. it might take a while for you to meet them (especially now that meeting new people is damn near impossible) but they're out there. i know it's difficult to talk to people who you don't feel a connection with but keep trying. you never know when one will stick or introduce you to that new best friend. besides, it sucks not having a best friend, but having no friends is even worse.

No. 148248

Thank you so much for your kind words.
It's been 3 years since my friend ended our friendship and I am still all alone while she moved on immediately to a new bestfriend that fit her better in that moment. It still hurts bad. I am socially retarded and have no idea how to make friends, even on the internet. I am in therapy but it's not helping yet. I just want an intimate friendship with another weirdo woman again…

No. 148250


let’s chat on discord, see if we can’t be friends? I’m the anon that asked about the asshole ex

No. 148252

Making friends is a lot like dating, really. Not everyone is going to be a great match for you even if they're perfectly good people in general. Keep making the effort. Heck, we have a friend finder thread here and there are a lot of interesting folks in it. The next good friend you make will likely be different than your prior one but in a good way, because she won't betray your trust like that.

No. 148253

it's no problem. i'm sorry she did that. i think people forget how difficult friend breakups are, especially for people who are picky with friends and/or bad at making them. it's difficult to find friends who are weird in a good way and 'normal' people are hard to relate to. i know internet friends aren't the same but maybe try posting in the friend finder thread? i haven't tried yet because i'm also bad with internet friends but its worth a shot.

No. 148346

Thank you so much, anons. I will post in the friend finder thread tomorrow or so! I need to make a discord, never used it TBH

No. 148478

I’m bisexual and I miss being with girls. I told my boyfriend this and he encouraged me to go on tinder and find a girl and have sex with her or do whatever. He wouldn’t be involved with it in any way, so it’s not one of those couple looking for a threesome or a “third” situations. I really want to do this, to be able to have something with a girl on my own while also being with my boyfriend but I feel… guilty? He says he’s totally fine with it and it doesn’t bother him but is it really okay? I’m scared to go through with it.

No. 148482

It sounds like it's only okay to him because he thinks sapphic relationships aren't real compared to hetero ones. That being said if he consents then it's okay as far as the boundaries go.

No. 148493

I'd also be cautious of that coming back to bite you in the ass anon. If you've been given freedom to sleep/see other girls, what's to stop him from turning around one day and demanding the same?

No. 148499

Then she tells him he can fuck guys and all is fair

No. 148501

ib4 he will use that as an excuse to cheat on you…be careful. I think you need to talk A LOT about it to make surethings will actually be right.

No. 148555

It’s been bothering me and I don’t think I can go through with it. He can say all he wants about how it won’t bother him and it’s okay now but I can just see it turning badly and making him feel some type of way if/when it happens. I potentially see problems in the relationship arising from it. Not saying it’s a for sure thing but I have a feeling it could happen. Nothing good really comes of not being monogamous in relationships anyway, at least not from what I’ve seen. Prove me wrong if you think otherwise.

No. 148584

File: 1598163473821.jpg (37.88 KB, 550x543, flat,800x800,075,f.u3.jpg)

I can't tell if this advice is terrible or amazing

No. 148838

So I went over to my bfs house to meet his mum and siblings for the first time. I went over and thought it would be for like 10 15 minutes max just say hello introduce myself and then we would go up to his room. Fucking nope. I was in the living room with his mum, brother, sister, grandparents and his brother’s girlfriend, so 6 strangers and my bf. They were so fucking loud and there was about 5 conversations happening and not one of them I could add anything to so I say there like a fucking idiot in his living room for 2 and a half hours. He kept being really affectionate which was weird when it was infront of his family, I kept pushing him off. Eventually I left, just upped and left and I went outside, I had an absolute panic attack and he followed me outside which was nice but like please give me a minute damn. He took me home and we left on a really good note, he said he loved me but like I keep questioning why. I felt like I came across as really rude and I made a shitty first impression. I want to fucking die because I really like him but his family were full on.

No. 148844

Not gonna lie anon you went a bit autistic there, especially with the up and leaving part. You could have whispered something to your boyfriend before leaving.

Some people are loud and some people are bad at including new strangers into a group (that goes for friends too who will start discussing other friends and inside jokes with no regards to people left out).

Next time pick one conversation, the one your bf is into for example, and insert yourself by asking basic questions like “Who’s that? / She did what? / Oh she went to this school?”, most likely they’ll fill you in.
If you want to fix your first impression, go back next time with some sweets or something you baked, it always goes well.

No. 148846

I get this every time I meet a new family (minus the walking out part) I grew up with a dad where everyone pretty much knows he's an undiagnosed autist so our house was unusually quiet at all times, it's shock to the system when I visit with larger/louder families. Similarly I find it hard to integrate into conversation in those situations but make an effort and they'll see that you're trying.

No. 148848

I appreciate your honesty, I think I said I need to leave, I’ll be 2 minutes and then I walked out. I don’t know if he heard me tho. I feel so fucking embarrassed and before I left I went back in and said goodbye to everyone. It was far far far too much for a first meeting. I don’t want to meet his whole family the first time I’m round at his house. They were like play fighting and calling each other names in jest and it made me uncomfortable because I don’t think you should do that with a guest in. I dunno if I should keep seeing him, I don’t know if I can show my face around him again. It was for hours I was just sitting there and I didn’t want to be super forward because I didn’t know them and I find that rude. Idk anon I’m stressing out, I’ve been messaging him all day and he’s been responding as usual so that’s good I just don’t know what he sees in me.
I’ve had really bad experiences with guys.

No. 148849

Thanks anon, it was just so uncomfortable. I’m there to see him and spend time with him not his whole family, it was just super cringe worthy.
My bf is super energetic as well so that didn’t help, I’m an extrovert but that was just far too much for me. I hope he doesn’t dump me because I’m scared he’ll just get bored of me or that’ll be the final straw. I’m glad you understand

No. 148853

Try to see it in a positive light: they were comfortable enough around you to be just like how they always are. This is so much better than an uptight family where you feel like you're walking on eggshells for approval! You say you feel embarrassed but they sound like easy-going people, just try to talk to them and maybe get to know them a little bit better next time. You're really stressing out about nothing.

No. 148855

You’re right, thank you! That makes me feel a bit better, I’ve never felt so anxious my whole life. I just think I came off as a rude bitch. I was just so overwhelmed and I should have spoke to him about it at the time. I really really like him, but I always get too attached to quickly and that’s something I really need to work on because I get so emotionally distressed when I fuck up like this. Thanks again for the advice and support!

No. 148875

File: 1598381570824.jpg (846.5 KB, 4096x3629, 20200722_124045.jpg)

This might sound bad but I have a boyfriend who I love a ton and I would never let him go. Lately I found myself having crushes on fictional characters and being attracted to "weirder" hentai pictures I see (like fangs, blood etc). I've never really been a sexual person or someone who's liked these sort of things ever. I recently starting having a crush on a guy in some random discord server I'm in and of course I won't act on it but I get the "butterflies" from it quite a bit. I don't talk to the guy but it's more of the thought of him. I've been with my boyfriend maybe 6 years now and he's my first kiss sex everything. I keep having my mind drift to "what if I was single, could party, could talk and do things with others." I feel incredibly guilty and I'd feel so jealous if my boyfriend felt this way of course. What do I do? I feel the guilt but I feel like I need to ease this feeling somehow.

No. 148877

File: 1598383030765.jpeg (329.88 KB, 1242x813, B5295EB2-1785-44EF-9B24-E5F183…)

on and off bf of 2 years. i am in gut wrenching pain.

we just spent a blissful week together, he held me, kept telling me he loves me, needs me and that i’m cute. i have no idea what’s going on. i’m not fat, i’m about 130lbs. and i was heavier when we first met 2 years ago.

i don’t recognise him

what the fuck do i do. i want to save our relationship. what the hell is this. what the fuck is going on

i’m not going to break up with him. how do i fix this, what on earth does he even mean

No. 148878

I have no tips for you other than you deserve better than this and you could find someone better. Probably because he knows you won’t leave him he can treat you like shit and he has all the power. Honestly you can do better than this please please just leave. It’s disgusting how he’s talking to you.

No. 148879

>on and off
First of all, yikes, second of all, yikes and ditch this dude? He came around for some weekend poontang and now you are ride or die? Please order a new spine from aliexpress, some self esteem from amazon, some common sense from w a l m a r t and go on to live your best life without this loser.

No. 148880

i just really adore him and we have a long mostly good, at times euphoric history together. we broke up for a few months and i couldn’t take it, i tried to kill myself. i can’t live without him. all my friends disapprove and say he’s bad for me, but there’s no one else out there for me. he is my world.

trust me i find it disgusting how he’s talking to me too. but i don’t want to die alone or be without him ever again.

i don’t know what to do, i feel so trapped. i’m so attached. i could never leave.

No. 148882

Jesus Christ enjoy your trash boyfriend… girl you need to love yourself

No. 148883

sis go to therapy

No. 148885

euphoric times with someone who thinks you’re an ugly fatty? everyone is telling you to leave him for a reason, because he clearly doesn’t like you.

No. 148886

Girl, you gotta know when to quit. From the sounds of it, it seems like he only uses you at his convenience and mentally checked out a long time ago. Whatever admiration you have for him is likely unrequited. You need to look into moving on, because a relationship should involve love from all parties, not just dependency from one. I hope you're able to heal from this. You're worth more than his bullshit.

No. 148887

my god this reads like a shitty popsong lyrics

No. 148892


who tf else is ever gonna love me? he does love me, he's just challenging

No. 148896

>calls you a fatty
>calls you ugly
>cuddly when he gets sex

Yeah sounds like a solid, loving guy.. please cut him loose, anon…

No. 148897

Both the idea of breaking up with my so of a year and being alone make me physically sick. Is it worth trying to work out the relationship or go forth through the heartbreak? I haven't been able to eat an actual meal for nearly a week. I'm feeling sad at work, too. I know it's usually best to break up but I feel like that, right now, during quarantine, might actually make me suicidal.

(clarification that I'm not 130lb-chan, there's nothing abusive about our relationship, I've just got the sense that even though there's a lot of love and affection it's going nowhere in the long term and I need to leave)

No. 148898

Samefag, learn to love yourself because you're the only person you can really trust. Go to therapy if you need to.

No. 148900

You answered your own advice. It’s pretty obvious you need to leave. I have. A husband and he has never ever spoken to me like that, however I have had shitty exes that have!!

No. 148901

Challenging is being stubborn about leaving clothes on the floor. What he's doing is trying to kill your character. Not to armchair but this is like textbook manipulation. You said it yourself, you weigh less than when you met each other, so why all of a sudden does he have a change in heart concerning how much he thinks you should weigh? If he feels comfortable admitting "you will never have him secured" then he's actively showing he doesn't care about you. It's cliche to say, but there's billions of people on this planet and it's possible the man you're looking for isn't right in your backyard. I'm sorry he's convinced you otherwise. Don't give in to his ultimatum, anon.

No. 148902

He's really getting off on your pain

No. 148903

Leave this scumbag please

No. 148904

you think he has a sadistic streak? i think he just wants me to behave consistently and wants me to improve. im almost certain he did not treat his ex like this, at all, as they are still close.>>148903

No. 148905

He won't change, he now knows just how much pain he puts you through when he threatens to leave… so look what he does, he enjoys making you squirm by threatening you after love bombing the fuck out of you right beforehand…

Every woman on earth is above this man and deserving of better. Don't let him warp your perceptions so badly that we all see him as a clear shitstain and you defend his abuse. He is your abuser.

No. 148906

Do you really not see the emotional sadism there?? You tried to kill yourself over him leaving and he's dangling that same pain over you again like it's a game.

No. 148907

I believe that he genuinely wants to date me and loves me, but I don't understand why he has to be so harsh. He has told me that he just wants to help me get better as a person, and that this is a means to improving myself.

No. 148908

Yet you come on here for advice and when everyone is telling you he is trash you still try to delude yourself that he wants the best for you… by calling you fat and knowing how clingy and desperate you are you won’t be going anywhere.

No. 148909

He is not bashing an already slim woman about her weight and threatening 'ooh I can leave you aaanytiime honey' to fucking improve you! It is purely to mess with your head, cause you distress and give him control over you. He doesn't give a fuck about you, look up lovebombing and hoovering if you want to know why you also have 'such good times' Wake up

No. 148910

Would you say something like that to someone you love?

What advice would you give a friend if their bf said something like that to them?

He is the problem. There is no fix. Sometimes it's better to be alone. This is that time. No one here is going to tell you otherwise.

No. 148912

>I believe that he genuinely wants to date me and loves me
Anon even if that were the case, it doesn't excuse his horrible treatment of you. Loving a person doesn't justify abuse, period. You are in a textbook abusive relationship. The fact that you don't see this and insist instead that you "need to fix this" is all the proof any of us need.

I don't even think you truly love this guy. You mention that you feel "euphoric" around him, that you almost killed yourself when you were broken up with him. That's not love, that's obsession. That's a sick, unhealthy sort of longing. These feelings are usually likely triggered by some sort of abandonment trauma that you haven't healed from.

The text you posted here >>148877
is horrific. This is outright sadism and a blatant attempt to control you. I actually dated someone very similar to this for about a year. I did everything in my power to "fix things," to be the girl he wanted me to be. I bent over backwards to accommodate his needs. He ended up raping me, twice. He tried to black mail me by posting a public blog full of nude photos of me.

Your bf will not change. You need to leave him. It's not going to be easy at first, but you will survive. I did, and things are going much better for me now. I'm actually in a healthy relationship with someone who I trust isn't going to leave me.

Please seek therapy, preferably from a therapist who is trauma-informed. I promise there is a reason that you were attracted to this guy in the first place, and therapy allows you a safe place to explore and process those feelings/experiences.

No. 148913

> Would you say something like that to someone you love?
Another good test is would he be happy if she reversed things and sent him random threats to leave if he isn't up to scratch in various ways.

> Boy you are getting too comfortable lately!

> Time for you to tone up
> I can just leave you like it's nothing
> If I don't chatise you you'll only end up fat and stupid
> I'm degrading you for your own good
I'm sure his response would be something… but I still wouldn't risk it because tbh he sounds likely to delve into physical abuse down the line.

No. 148914

Anon, stop with the mental gymnastics. If you prefer staying with an abusive piece of shit who doesn't give a single fuck about your feelings, than being alone, just admit that. Don't keep making ridiculous excuses and pretending there's any logic behind your choice to stay with someone who is actively attempting to make you miserable and insecure.

No. 148915

He wants to "improve" you exclusively on his terms. I'll hedge a bet the reason he's still close with his ex is because he's treated her like shit in a similar fashion to how he's dogging you.
If y'all have been on and off for 2 years, something's seriously wrong at the core of this relationship, and newsflash, it isn't you. He gave you an out at the end of his text because 1. he knows where you are mentally since he put you there and 2. he knows you won't leave. If you've already acknowledged he's being a dick about addressing things, then you already have one foot out of the door, despite telling yourself this relationship is still salvageable.

No. 148916

>You are in a textbook abusive relationship
I read the text she posted and then I read that they're together 2 years and I convinced myself that my ex sent that message. Then I realised that they all sound the same. They all say the exact same bullshit! That's how textbook it is.

It is absolutely abuse.

No. 148924


thank you so much for your time, anons.

i’m in na very bad place and have been for a long time. i’m very very hurt by this message and i will be for some time. it scares me.

i’m not defending the relationship at this point. i know things aren’t right, but he’s all i have. i’m so scared of reliving the misery of being broken up again, i don’t know how to overcome it.

i will definitely seek therapy, hopefully o can get it on the NHS.

thank you so much for listening and not accusing me of being a troll, because this is 100% a genuine situation and i’m 100% suffering.

i can’t talk to any of my friends about this because they’re already mad i even got back together with him, i can’t ask any more of them.

thank you guys for listening to me, i’m overwhelmed by the response

No. 148927

Just as I was about to call it a scrote post…

He said you'll never have him secured. Maybe he means it, maybe not. But security is the very main thing that keeps a romantic relationship healthy. You shouldn't be insecure with who you're dating ever. And he's creating that by acually telling you that directly. Believe me when I say he's trying to break your self esteem.

As for him being all you have…you have your friends who seem to go to bat for you, and you have YOURSELF, bitch get some fucking self esteem! No man is worth debasing yourself over. Are you BPD? No offence but the suicide attempt after the breakup indicates that. BTW any decent human would tread VERY carefully if their partner had a history of that and here he is, so cocksure "hurr don't ever feel secure that you have me". Man, fuck him.

You will 100% be better off without him. NHS take fucking ages, for a suicidal ex it took 3 months for an appointment. Maybe try online help services? Like talkspace. As someone who can have obsessive tendencies the best case scenario is you take control of the narrative and just stop talking to him and enjoy all your old pursuits and realise you're a fully fleshed human deserving of respect and all that.

No. 148928

I think another anon mentioned this but if you look into 'attachment theory' you might find out that you are particularly vulnerable to being sucked in by that specific type of abuser. I have been there and learning about attachments styles helped me to see what was happening

No. 148944

>but he’s all i have
I don't understand why you keep saying this. You mentioned having friends. Are they not supportive, even if they're upset with you right now? Have they been there for you in the past? I have hard time believing you truly have nobody other than your bf.

I think you'd have a much easier time letting this guy go if you had some kind of support network to fall back on. If your friends aren't enough, then a therapist/therapy group may be your best option.

Also, please understand that as horrible as it feels to be broken up with, it will not feel that way forever. I really cannot stress that enough. I used to be EXACTLY like you. I thought I was going to die when my first abusive ex and I broke up. I didn't. Six years later when my second abusive ex and I broke up, it sucked because I wasn't expecting it, but the possibility of dying never even crossed my mind. This type of response is symptomatic of trauma, and they do get easier to manage the more you work on yourself and become mindful of your triggers.

This is good advice too. Attachment theory helped me a lot in understanding why I was drawn to certain relationship dynamics.

No. 148972

Can I post here about friendship problem? I've got a situation with my friend and I don't know how to deal with it.

No. 148973

Can’t imagine it’d bother anyone

No. 148978

I've stopped talking to my friends for over a year now because I was embarrassed by my living situation (dependent on a male). That'll change in about a month where I'll be living with my parents and unemployed, and I can only imagine that I'll be too ashamed to talk to them then. And back in my home country I'll get a job within the month, but even then it'd be in a factory or something and I'll be too ashamed to tell them that.

It's just…I've had and expressed a lot of lofty career dreams and I've graduated and have been unemployed since. And I just dread the conversation where I say "well actually, I haven't found anything". I can't face it, but I also realise I've done so much damage to the friendships already (just giving fb birthday wishes and a promise to catch up). I feel so alone in this.

sage because idk what I'm trying to get across here.

No. 148984

Girl, after reading all this here's my piece of mind:
He's actually the insecure one and is projecting that insecurity onto you. Can it be that he's the one who let go and he's not as attractive as he was at the beginning? Not saying you don't find him attractive, but maybe gained a few pounds/started balding?
Moids always use this strategy on women and they somehow get away with it. The harsher and colder they are, the more we stick with them.
Just break up with him. If he suddenly starts begging you to stay with him, keep your stance. Be standoffish and you'll see him crawling at your feet. Men think they're the only ones who can play power games with us. But no matter what, don't give the dipshit another chance or he'll be back at it again.

No. 148986

I think they'd rather have your company even if you aren't experiencing a lot of success

No. 148988

So I'm in my twenties and my parents are still supporting me financially. I don't work, they pay for everything. My male friend is also in his twenties and he is in the opposite situation. His family is poor and he had to support himself since he went to university. He finished all his courses, but haven't graduate yet, because he still has to write his master's thesis. A year ago he decided to work only part-time (even though he didn't have any classes anymore) to focus on writing his thesis. Since then he was making not much money, barely enough to pay his rent, bills and buy minimal amount of food. A year passed and he didn't write anything, is still working part-time and is always broke. His landlord decided to stop renting out the apartment my friend is living in, so he has to move out. He doesn't have enough money to do it, especially since we live in expensive city and prices of rooms are constantly rising. He has to move out before september starts, so he's getting desperate. He asked me to lend him some money and I don't want to do it. In the past I gave him money many times and he never gave it back, which was understandable for me, since he's always struggling financially. I was expecting him to get a full time job at some point and I believed someday in the future, when he will be in better situation, he will pay me back. The thing is I'm starting to think that day will never come. He's depressed and not willing to take my advice about working, because I don't have to work. He's always telling me that I don't know how hard it is and I never would make it if I was in his situation. I feel extremely shitty about the whole thing. On the one hand, lending money makes me feel resentful and kinda bad, because this is money my parents give for ME to live and not to give out to other people. I really don't want to give it to him. But on the other hand, I also feel shitty, because he needs help and I could help him, if only I would give up on some things that are not necessities, so it makes me feel selfish. If my boyfriend would find out about me giving people money, he would be furious. I don't know what to do. Should I give my friend money or not? I want to buy myself a new bra and be able to eat takeout with my bf. But also I don't want my friend to be homeless. And I'm afraid this won't be the last situation like this, he will never pull himself together and he will never stop asking me for money. Either way this situation will hurt our friendship. For now I took time to find multiple rooms that are cheaper than the ones he found and I hope he will actually take effort to call this places and maybe hopefully find something he can actually afford. I told him I would decide today about the loan, but I still have no idea what to do.
(Yes, I know it's shitty of me to take money from my parents and that I'm very privileged, but it's not an issue I want to discuss right now. Also where I live it's more normal and common than for example in the US.)

No. 148991

I think if i broke up with him it wouldn’t affect him at al and he’d go about his life as usual

No. 148994

First step would be to talk to him about your doubts. Only then you will know if it's something you two can work on or if it simply isn't the right relationship for you. But as long as he isn't abusive and you're not absolutely sure that you really do not love him, I'd say you should talk to him about your thoughts and feelings before just deciding to leave, especially if the thought of losing him pains you this much.
In the end, it depends on what you want. If you simply don't want to be in a relationship, you need to leave. If you want to make it work, you need to communicate and be on the same page about it.

No. 148996

Then why would you ever be with a person like that? It would just mean he never loved you and never gave a shit.
All the more reason to dump him.
Seriously, reading your posts is depressing as hell, I'd rather die alone with ten cats than have what you're having.
Actually the two don't even compare, living alone with cats sounds pleasant and relaxing, your relationship is emotional waterboarding at this point.

No. 148997

So, you'd kill yourself without him but he wouldn't even care if you broke up? How can you be with someone like this? If you believe that he loves you, you are delusional. You need psychiatric care, from the sound of it.

No. 149001

No offence but I can't tell if you're dumb or just in too deep. Have you looked up the attachment theory stuff? If not, you should. He looks anxious avoidant and you seem anxious dependant. How that dynamic works is that the avoidant distances themselves if things are shitty, which then causes the dependant to cling harder because that's what they do under stress.

And since that dynamic has gone on unchecked and he obviously loves having this power over you, it's now at the stage where you'd kill yourself (I hope not) if he left and he feels safe to tell you he could leave at any time. It's fucked. He doesn't mean well.

At least PLEASE talk to your friends and show them the text. I understand you don't want to be pressured into breaking up, but I think that's because subconsciously you know that's what you need to do to preserve yourself, and you don't want to hear that truth. You're isolating yourself so the only irl perspective is your toxic bfs.

Tell him you think it's disrepectful for you to give away money your parents gave to you. It ought to be that simple. Let him know you'll support him in other ways like finding a place, but it goes against your morals that you'd give money intended for you from other people. It doesn't make you a bad friend and don't let him make you think it does. Also suggest he get mental help, because at this point it seems like his depression is affecting his life considerably.

No. 149027


i’m not dumb i’m doing a masters degree i’m just very very in love with this person and i got a low, painful and bitter taste of what it was like without him and i know i can’t go back to that, ever.

also i’m a little afraid of what he might do if i broke up with him, the only thing i could do is get my mum to text him and say i went missing or something otherwise he would probably get angry and start revenge posting on facebook again.

as well being crazy in love with him, i’m a little afraid. i think he’s capable of a lot.

No. 149028

also, he’s currently ghosting me which he doesn’t normally do and it’s making em extremely anxious which probably aligns with the avoidant anxious and dependent anxious mentioned here

No. 149030

While other people are being relatively nice to you, I think you're being absolutely pathetic.
>we spent a blissful weekend together, I have no idea what's going on
As others have mentioned, this is textbook lovebombing and a hallmark of an abusive man.
>i'm not fat
Surely it must piss you off to know there are obese women in the world that can pull guys who treat them with more dignity and respect than your man does.
Dick is abundant and there's a man for every body type out there these days, no excuse.
>what the fuck do i do
Dump him. He told you he won't commit to you anyway. Turn tables.
>i want to save our relationship
You can't, he told you as much.
Wouldn't surprise me if he's cheating on you too but doesn't dump you cause you still offer him pussy and attention no matter how bad he is to you.
You've got scarcity mindset and it's harming you, there are better men out there. You're just afraid to throw away your sunk costs and be single, as if being single is the worst fucking thing. Your relationship has zero value, at least if you become single you'd have your dignity back.
>im not going to break up with him
Then stop spamming this thread and wasting everyone's time because you deliberately want to be a stupid twat. What more is there to do? Pandering and pleading to him doesn't work. Enjoy your cycle of abuse.
>b-but he might revenge post me on social media
Then block him and unplug your computer while you get your shit back together. Anyone who'd clap for his bullshit isn't a good person either so it doesn't matter.
>but im in love with him
Well he don't love you sis. Don't go chasing waterfalls. You'll get over him.


No. 149034

Tell him you just fell entirely out of love with him and then go no-contact. End of. At this point every second you spend trying to dissect this turds actions is just more of your time wasted.

No. 149036

implying he won’t go absolutely apeshit and try to ruin my friendships if i do this

No. 149040

This has to be fake one min you’re saying ‘he will just go round his usual life’ if you break up with him and now you’re saying he will ‘ruin’ your friendships. You already mentioned your friends are pissed that you got back together with him so they would know he’s already a toxic fucker and would still support you.

And if it isn’t fake sounds like you both deserve each other as you’re both toxic so just stay with him and waste your youth lol

No. 149043

Sounds like someone's bored larp, honestly.

No. 149044

So what? Some women end up homeless or in shelters when they leave an abuser. Who even gives a fuck about FB posts and shit-talking??

No. 149045

OK, so it feels like you're idk, moving the goalposts? So you fully concede now that he doesn't want the best for you, and that he's not abusive? Like you recognise he's abusive towards you?

>i’m just very very in love with this person

Are you sure you'd define it as that? And not dependence? Consider it. I mean you think you need him. That doesn't mean you're in love. Some people are mistaken that love is something you "fight" for, that it's something you earn or don't deserve period. But that's damaged thinking, loving SHOULD be easy. If somebody doesn't love you there's nothing you can do about it. I mean NOTHING.

Anyway, why would he be so angry if according to you he'd be indifferent if you split up? Would his actions first breakup (smear campaign) not indicate he actually has very strong (albeit toxic) feelings? Someone who insists "you can lose me anytime bb" would literally not be bothered at a breakup. More evidence he's doing it as a power play. >>149028 ghosting is really typical behavior tbh, I hope you're not messaging him.

Your friends have encouraged your breakup, if you let them know and let them know you need help doing it I'm so sure they will.

How long was the last breakup? Also, how old are you?

kek anon, people are being relatively nice because it's a genuinely distressing situation to see someone in, and it's obvious OP has too much cognitive dissonance to take in harsh truths, so it's being tiptoed around until she hopefully comes through because I think people genuinely want to see her situation change for the better

No. 149046

Right? I had to move back home with my toxic mother and then live out my car during a hot summer when I left that environment. All because I broke up with my manchild ex.

OP is scared to lose fake friends. Lmao.

No. 149047

>one min you’re saying ‘he will just go round his usual life’ if you break up with him and now you’re saying he will ‘ruin’ your friendships
This stood out to me too, I have spent plenty of time here talking to different women stuck living with abusive partners or with shared kids where getting away is fucking hard.. this is too much though. There's no living together, no lease, no mortgage, no kid, no ring, no pets. Most that spam here for two straight days are at least worried sick about homelessness or about him killing their shared pets in a rage.. this is stupid if it's real.

No. 149048

I came very close to experiencing homelessness (for a second time) after getting away from mine. Spent some time in a DV sheleter and then lucked out when it came it housing.. but had to move across the country to both afford housing and feel safely distanced from him. Worth it though!

No. 149050

How do you deal with your bf losing hair? My bf is the small prettyboy type, and his hairloss is making him completely unattractive to me. I am kind of disgusted… But I obviously don't want to break up with completely fine bf over something so shallow.

No. 149051

he wouldn’t care but he would still want to get back at me, i’m not moving the goalposts i’m just taking eveyhjjng into account

No. 149052

I thought he ghosted you already?

No. 149053

If your friends know he’s a nutcase, why the hell would they even believe him if he does end up trying to screw up your friendships? He clearly doesn’t love you, get a grip and stop making excuses for him and yourself.

No. 149054

that's my worst nightmare. pretty boys look hideous without hair.

No. 149056

i’m not conceding to anything really, and i’m fully aware that the relationship is bad and needs to end, i just don’t know where to start.

i haven’t been diagnosed with BPD but everyone i know has self diag me with it. i’m 19, we broke up for 3 months and i’ve just graduated from university and have a job, normally i pay for outings due to him being unemployed. he usually uses his entire welfare cheque on the first day on computer stuff/clutter. he actually gets a decent amount and could help pay for our outings if he didn’t get himself into debt for impulse buys

i dunno i just feel so lost, i’m scared t tel my friends about that message because i don’t deserve their patience any longer and i think they’re just fed up. i also initially lied about being with him until some guy i rejected stalked me and snitched to them.

it’s a hard situation.

No. 149057

Could you encourage him to use hairloss products?

No. 149058

My boyfriend’s hairline is creeping back and I feel like he might be bald in a couple years. Try to think of his other attractive traits when you imagine him bald, my boyfriend still looks cute to me when I imagine him bald (although admittedly I prefer him with hair). It helps when you feel like your partner would cut you the same slack with your own ageing woes.

No. 149059

Yeah. He used to be so pretty but now I'm just repulsed. Does anyone have any advice?

No. 149060

he’s being extremely quiet aside from a meme he sent a while ago which is uncharacteristic of him and concerns me

i’m not even claiming to be abused or saying that i’m trying to flee DV, i just want to vent

No. 149061

i’m sorry you went through that. but it’s not a competition anon

No. 149062

So don’t tell your friends and then if he does try to ruin your friendships, show them the text he sent you as proof he’s a jerk (although you say they already know this). People leave their significant others who are like this when they have a lot more to lose, you’ll be able to do it if you really want to.

No. 149063

He doesn't want to talk about it. He still tries to do his hair the way he used to do it, with longer fringe and all, but it's becoming impossible to do. I watched him struggle to style his hair like he used to for like half an hour today, and he just ended up crying afterwards. He is using some expensive hairloss shampoo but it's not working.

My bf is not masculine AT ALL though. He is short, has small face, etc. He wouldn't look good with bald head. And in his case, it's a matter of couple of months, maybe a year, not years.

No. 149064

File: 1598460938916.jpg (26.11 KB, 460x461, aGd1X3K_460s.jpg)

No. 149065

I mean this is day two of posting (many times) about this guy and going backwards since all the advice yesterday.. I feel like any anons popping in with a little perspective are coming from a place of wanting to break down her many shitty excuses to stay. Nobody thinks they're getting a cookie for wasting their energy on this any more

No. 149083

Anons I self harmed and I know I’m an attention seeking dumbass for doing it. If I could just snap away the cuts I would do it. However now I’m faced with what I’ll tell my boyfriend. Do I make up an excuse and lie, or tell the truth? I’m not depressed or suicidal and it won’t happen again but he’ll be worried anyway. I feel like a therapist would tell me that if lying about it bothers me, I should be honest. But I don’t want to be an attention seeking dumbass and I don’t want to worry him so I don’t want to be honest. It’s on my leg so he’s the only one that’ll see. Thoughts?

No. 149084

Samefagging to add that lying would be easy due to placement but I’d be fucking paranoid about being bare legged around him and him secretly figuring it out.

No. 149086

I actually had the same problem last year except I ended up needed stitches so was basically forced to tell my boyfriend. He was freaked out at first and things were definitely tense for a few days but it was okay in the end once I was able to explain why I use self harm and promised not to do it again (which I haven't). So as long as your boyfriend is understanding I think you should just be honest, even tell him what you said here that you don't want to worry him or come off as attention seeking but you didn't want to hide this from him. At most I might say that if the cuts aren't too bad you could get away with just not mentioning it, but I definitely wouldn't outright lie about the cause.

No. 149114

>he usually uses his entire welfare cheque on the first day on computer stuff/clutter. he actually gets a decent amount and could help pay for our outings if he didn’t get himself into debt for impulse buys
This has to be a fucking troll. Literally what redeemable qualities does this guy even have that make you want to be with him? You need to physically write out a list of good vs. bad qualities. Maybe that will help you to finally see what an absolute joke this relationship is.

No. 149119

He needs to use both minoxidil and finasteride. My boyfriend was balding and started using them and his hair is back to normal, but he caught it pretty early on.

No. 149127

>mfw my serious relationship gets mistaken for trolling :(

No. 149145

>serious relationship
You're only 19 and people have told you that you might have BPD. Leave this dude (who seems to have zero redeemable qualities, you can't even say one positive thing about him) and work on your mental health issues.

No. 149155

Is it normal to get those sudden "wake up calls" about your partner, even though nothing is seemingly going wrong? Like I look at him sleeping and I think… well he's actually ugly. Or I have this sudden realization that I know very little of him and I feel distant and confused, or I have this thought like "for real? is it really who I'm with?". It's short-lived and the guy isn't bad by any means, we're few monts together and so far we're really happy and well-matched. I googled it and found articles about "sudden repulsion syndrome". I remember seeing something on Twitter about it and it was a very popular post too, so I guess it's relatable? Have any of you experienced it?

No. 149160

I think I get a mild version of this with my boyfriend. He's a great guy, I'm very attracted to him and after living together for three years we know each other extremely well. But once in a blue moon it's like my brain "resets" for a minute and I'm like "wait a minute, I don't really know this person! What am I doing here?". Nothing at all on his part triggers it, usually we'll just be hanging out watching a movie together and the thought will pop into my head. It's interesting to know that it's a real thing, it had actually concerned me a little! I don't think it's anything to do with him, but more the sudden realisation that I have been taking his inner feelings for granted and that I can't really know how anyone other than myself feels and experiences life, if that makes sense?

No. 149173

File: 1598524076148.gif (499.72 KB, 500x243, ocset.gif)

My boyfriend and I don't have matching needs when it comes to cuddling. He does like to cuddle, but I really need it more than he does or can provide. He cuddles me in bed, but he rarely ever comes up to hug me out of the blue and when I hug him and want to hold him for a while, he gets nervous and starts talking and patting me on the back, which makes me sad every time. I could just hug him and look him in the eyes for a long time, I could scratch his back for 10 minutes straight while he just does it for like 30 seconds, he doesn't seem to have the same need for physical contact. It's not that he doesn't love me, he shows that in other ways like cooking for me, giving me small gifts, helping me with things, being there for me when I need him and supporting me, I just wish he could hold me for a few minutes now and again without getting antsy. It's always something; either he's too hot, he's too hyper, he is stressed out, his back hurts, his stomach aches, etc.
I feel unloved even though I know that's bullshit. It just makes me sad because I could spend so much time just cuddling.
(I will definitely not break up with him over this. I just want some ideas on how I can talk to him about this without him getting defensive, because I know that in his mind, we cuddle a lot.)

No. 149174

Might not be a popular opinion but my advice to anyone aged 19 and diagnosed with BPD or showing lots of traits.. is to just stay single for the next decade. Your teens to late twenties are the real shitshow years if you do in fact have it. Dedicate yourself to therapy and building a fulfilling life for yourself that doesn't depend on having a partner.

No. 149175

It sounds like he's making excuses to reduce physical contact when he should really be fine with just saying "I don't feel like cuddling right now". I think the best thing to do would just be to gently mention that he seems to be uncomfortable with the level of physical contact that you prefer, and try to work together to figure out where it's coming from. Maybe encourage him to be more open about his discomfort rather than trying to fob you off with excuses that are frankly kind of insulting to your intelligence. It shouldn't be weird to discuss your respective needs, you're on the same team after all.

No. 149182

>(I will definitely NOT break up with him over this
Why are so many advice seeking posts throwing this in there?.. I mean I don't predict anyone is going to insist in your particular situation that it's needed anyway but I even see abused anons adding this in. If you are here for advice just listen to what people have to say. People generally don't scream to break up unless there's a good reason anyway.

No. 149186

A lot of people online scream “break up” at the slightest issues, I don’t know how you haven’t noticed this.
He didn’t put his plate in the dishwasher? Girl, dump him, you deserve better!

No. 149189

If you vent about a bfs on ot I know that happens, but in fairness to the women that contribute to this thread.. you generally get well thought out replies on here

No. 149192

I sound like your boyfriend, I can't sit and hold someone/be held for a while, and I definitely do the whole nervous talking thing. It's not that I don't necessarily like that person I just find it hard to switch off, and it sounds like your boyfriend is the same. Talk to him about it, like you said he shows that he cares about you in other ways, he won't be aware of how much it bothers you.

No. 149229

File: 1598549324611.jpeg (66.3 KB, 407x612, 467236D1-EEC6-4BB1-8766-8AD80A…)

Thanks for your reply, anon!
That’s most likely the case. He said that he feels bad about it, that he now “feels like some weird dude who doesn’t want to hug his gf”, but that he just can’t relax when there’s so much on his mind all the time. He definitely is a worrier, so it really seems to have to do with his anxiety. I’ll give him his space and appreciate the cuddles when I get them. I guess his hugs are like some nice expensive truffles and I’m a greedy truffle hog.

No. 149263

I wonder if abused gf anon went quiet because her abuser stopped ghosting her and she doesn't want to face the fact she was seriously doubting her amazing on and off relationship with him.

I may just be an optimist but I think she was almost, almost convinced to leave.

No. 149313

nta but for me it sounds exactly as the weird deflection you described before, along with making you feel bad for even bringing it up. He can't hug you because there's a lot on his mind? That's the weakest excuse and I'm saying this as a master anxieter. Don't settle for that. Expensive truffles my ass… You need some kind of compromise, not "well he's a worrier so I'll just wait 10 more months for mu annual hug~!" (joking but you get it.) If your love language is physical touch and he doesn't give you that, you'll only grow more frustrated. He has to at least try.

No. 149326


It's really not that uncommon and I doubt he'll be too worried about about it, especially if it's something you haven't done for a while and you tell him this. I agree with >>149086's general advice and reasoning (and remember, her boyfriend found out because it was while she was with him and she needed stitches, and the outcome was "tense for a few days"!)

Also, I'd say you're not really under any obligation to mention it; if he sees old scars there and realises what they are it's honestly politest for him not to mention it if you haven't brought it up yourself, and I'd expect either that or a relatively non-probing question. You sound like you're both still pretty young though so I guess there's a chance he won't know how to react; just do your best to be calm yourself and he'll realise it's not something he needs to spaz out over

No. 149329

Honesty is best anon, especially in a relationship. You don't want any secrets or dishonesty between you and your SO, the person you should be able to tell everything, so don't cause it over something you could fairly easily tell him.

No. 149355

I had something like this with my gf half a year ago. It was weirs at the time, but it passed pretty quickly. Now, though, I feel like I'm having a stronger form…I think it's even set off by reading other stories about people's SOs. Also, while I looked long and hard for people I liked spending time with enough to pursue a relationship with, she's the first one with whom that seriously happened, and I keep thinking "what if I'm missing out?"
This is despite everything having been perfect for a while. I talked to my mom a lot and she said she thought it was hormonal at first. I'm also aware that other things and ongoing quarantine might be making me depressed and I'm just putting the blame on my gf since she suddenly doesn't make everything perfect anymore. I think I'm falling out of infatuation, but I still love her, so it's a very weird feeling and I'm not sure what to do.

No. 149441

File: 1598671114942.jpg (Spoiler Image,32.92 KB, 604x453, UNFF.jpg)

Can farmers guess my bf's age? I'm 28. I'll tell you his real age, I just want to know if he looks age appropriate for me.

No. 149448

why do I feel like this is a self-post

also he looks like 25-30

No. 149449

I'd guess 35.

No. 149450


What an ugly expression. He looks younger, maybe 22. If he stopped making ugly faces and shaved he might look a lot better and more mature

No. 149451

ur bf is attractive

No. 149453

He's got the type of expression that says "I expect a daily blow job and will return the favor once a month at best." Also looks like he would unironically use the term "wanderlust" a lot

No. 149454

No. 149460

No. 149462

He has one of those faces where I'd guess him to be late twenties, maybe early thirties but I wouldn't be completely surprised if you turn around and say he's 20 either.

Agreed, he needs to shave.

No. 149467

I feel like this pic is just proof that age is hard to read, I have no idea

No. 149470

Lmao thanks anons.
He's 43. Just wanted to make sure he looked around my age and not old. People around me act shocked when I tell them he was born in 1977.

I'll tell him to shave.

No. 149471

You're 28 and he's 43?…
I've dated a guy with a twelve year difference and I really wish someone had told me not to. This guy looking your age isn't the important part here, forty-somethings that date twenty-somethings are frowned upon because of the power dynamic that sets in over time. Guys aiming 15 years younger are generally not dating with great intentions, though they'll certainly tell you otherwise!

No. 149472

He looks sleazy

No. 149473

I'm pretty independent financially and I've got my own vehicle. We want a lot of the same things. I'm not worried about being manipulated or anything, not that I think he would. Been pretty respectful so far but that doesn't mean it's been years either.

What happened anon?

No. 149474

How long have you been together?

No. 149476

> What happened anon?
He was charming the whole time that we were dating but living seperately. I stayed over alot and thought I knew him well. I finally moved out of my shared flat and we moved in together. It all went downhill from there, he really was playing the long game in putting on a total act til I had a financial reason to feel tied there. Then the mask slowly slipped and two years later I spent my 30th birthday in a womens shelter recovering from the whole ordeal.

I know I wasn't a baby when all this happened but I still wish I had a more hands-on or involved family to say "hey you really think that's a good idea?" when I disclosed the age difference.

>I'm not worried about being manipulated or anything

Tbh you should keep that in mind, anyone dating a man 15 years older than them needs to keep that in mind. It's naive not to.

No. 149477

fourty-fucking-three? you definitely wouldn't guess that from that picture. I was lowkey thinking you were asking if he looks age appropriate because he's significantly younger than you or something. He has something boyish in his face, I wonder if it's the curls.

No. 149507

Less than a year. We have plans for moving in and marriage in the future.

Thanks anon. Truth be told I've been burned so hard in my past that I've always resolved to keep a secret "Fuck-off Fund" so in case I ever need to leave I have at least a deposit and two-month's rent someplace else. I contacted his ex to ask how their relationship ended, yet they seem to have ended amicably despite being married for 15 years. She didn't have any warnings for me, since he mostly provided for her and not the other way around. I'm glad he's more the providing type, I can't stand co-dependent manchildren. Last time I ended my LDR of 4 years (with a manchild who was my age), I went temp homeless. I just couldn't take the neglect, constant mental loads, and emotional betrayal anymore. Lived out my car and a gym membership where they thankfully had a shower.
I broke off in the heat of the moment so I had no time to save or hunt for a roommate. My only grace was that my neighbors had flooded my apartment around the same time I broke up so most of my shit was already packed in boxes when I wanted to leave.
I don't trust men entirely, I just trust that they're liable to hurt me.

He's pretty slender too, I think he has a young frame in addition to having really nice skin.

No. 149574

Anons, I feel extremely ill. I met this guy online last month and we hadn't met in person yet due to covid. I thought that he was "great." I didn't know his full name until TONIGHT when we were in the middle of watching a film. Of course I google his name and found out that he was arrested last year for raping a preteen (yes it was actually him…they had multiple news articles with photos of him, his correct age, same town he lives in, etc.) I was shaking and said I don't feel good at the end of the film and stopped talking to him. I feel so disgusted and I don't think that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I could use any advice please. This isn't a troll post. I know I have to dump him but I would like some advice as to how not to feel sick to my stomach anymore.

No. 149634

File: 1598841366403.jpg (4.38 KB, 150x128, kirby.jpg)

Uhh, how do I rein in general craziness when I get invested in a relationship?

At the crush stage and in the beginning of a relationship I'm always cool and totally unaffected by the idea that things might not work out, kinda just going with the flow, zero jealousy or insecurities. When things get emotionally serious, however, I just start overthinking everything. Not even about whether things work out, also about all these details in how he feels about me. I worry about whether I am the best partner he has ever had in various different dimensions, is he happier with me than with his first love or whatever, does he think about other women, etc.

I don't know why these things would even matter because I'm also really confident that the type of guys I'm dating are extremely into me in terms of personality and interests, and while I'm not a true Stacy, I can be quite sexually charismatic. I'm also only dating to find my life partner and this bond would obviously over time become unique enough to drown out past connections. But my brain won't shut up about wanting to be the absolute best in everything I guess, I can ruminate endlessly about what something he said actually meant and where I stand.

I'm mostly asking because I recently got a chad adjacent but so caring bf who blows every partner I ever had out of the water, and I don't want to screw this up by becoming insecure and seeking endless reassurance (especially since he's already not shutting up about how amazing he finds me, which thank god has kept my worries in check pretty well). My current solution is just being more focused on all the impressive things that attracted him in the first place and playing more confident than I am until I hopefully get actually secure, but I worry this won't be enough if I get even more invested. Pls help ; __ ;

No. 149638

Shit I'm so sorry anon, I cannot imagine how you're feeling. Just cut off all contact with him, no need to even say anything. He doesn't deserve courtesy. Maybe talk to a friend or someone you trust/can confide in, so you feel less alone. I'm so sorry, you must be feeling so out of it. Don't blame yourself for anything please, for meeting with him or whatever.

No. 149649

Anon, are you me? You're definitely on the right track with focusing on what attracted him to you, there's no need to constantly upgrade and be better when you're already more than good enough. Just try to not overthink and I hope you'll eventually be able to feel fully secure.
For me it's so much of a struggle I've started seeing a therapist and being able to talk to professionalist about it helps a lot, so you can consider that too if you feel it's getting out of control. I feel like meditation is recommended as a tool for literally any issue but sometimes when I'm by myself getting eaten away by insecurity, clearing my mind and meditating is a good help too.

No. 149650

I had an irl friend years ago, guy had a crush on me and was a bit cringey at dropping that into conversation too much. He disclosed to me one day that he had was on the offenders register for images of children. When I googled his name i found articles saying it was thousands of images and vids. He was part of a ring and he had directed someone to abuse a two year old and film particular acts that were to his taste… I moved house before I cut contact. Just to be safe.

Obviously you need to stop communication. You do not owe him an explanation. You don't need to confront him and listen to the inevitable excuses and downplaying that he'll use. Does he have your address or work address?

No. 149653

Anon I feel you wholeheartedly.
Today the guy I was going to go out with turned out to have sexually assaulted his ex girlfriend. I didn't know until today because I'm not in the same groups as he is so I couldn't get a background check or anything. I only found out when I mentioned him to two of my acquaintances and they told me what happened! I feel so fucking guilty for even associating with him…
I had a good cry about it, not about him but more about the woman he hurt and how sorry I felt for her. I know you can't but I talked to her sister who is also an acquaintance and she told me to not be stupid because I didn't know. I also talked to my friends about it and got hugs.
I'm now ghosting him on everything. He doesn't deserve anything from you, I hope you feel better.

No. 149661

How do I get close to my brother again?

I live in a different country to him, have for 5 years? He's 21 now. Whenever I try talk to him he replies with one word answers. When I lived with him he'd open up to me and be closed off otherwise because it was a pretty dysfunctional household. When I visited recently he was closed off to me and barely opened up with what was happening in his life. I kind of get it because the main coping mechanism in the house is "don't engage" but it hurts to also be put in that category, especially because we'd have each others backs. Maybe he resents I wasn't there since he was 16. I tried talking to him but he'd be robotic over text and would only talk about his academic accomplishments, and not his passions and stuff like he did in his early teens.

Now he's moved out on his own to the other side of our home country and when I try talk to him it's like pulling teeth. I love him but it'll be hard to maintain a connection.

No. 149671

Not trying to downplay whatever happened in your household that made it dysfunctional but I come from an ok upbringing and my bro was the same in his teens and early twenties..like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him. It does seem to be an age where they can shut down and my brother was particularly non fussed about the women in his life. If it wasn't a girl he could sleep with he wasn't making any effort back.

I don't know how much of that is just age and how much might be dictated by environment in your bros case.

No. 149684


I mean it could be possible, I don't have enough information on him these days. I more or less raised him for years and brought him up to respect women. Back when he did talk to me he had mixed gender friend groups and I never heard him talk about his female friends disparagingly, but who knows if he's changed. He used to dislike our dad a lot and I'd try shield him from my dads attitude and I would tell dad to stop if he told my mom to shut the fuck up within earshot, but I mean 5 years with no buffer between my brother and parents might have changed him.

It's just sad because I thought we had a pretty strong bond. He had more freedoms than I did because I said I'd accompany him to a city or whatever, then we'd split up. I'd advocate that he should hang out with friends and that he has the right to privacy and all that. When I left I feel like he tried to talk to me, but it was solely about academic achievements. ""I have X exam. I think I'll pass. I passed. I have Y exam. I'll probably pass. I passed" etc. And I'd say good job, I'm so proud and ask him about his ambitions but it somehow managed to peter out into silence. I wonder if he's quiet now because I'm no longer needed for his freedom, so no need to talk to me. I really hope that's not the case.

So did your brother start talking to you again voluntarily, or what happened?

No. 149836

First time poster here and i feel like i'm going to tear my hair out with the situation i'm in. i've been talking to this person for over 3 months, and we've been flirty and cute. one night we hung out and did some blow, kissed for the first time and (tried) to have sex. reason i say tried is they couldn't get it up. We've tried again since then and i guess it's because they're so depressed they literally cannot get a boner. They're currently going to receive psychological help. but in the meantime i'm just left with this feeling they're holding something back. i know i need to be understanding of the situation and we have talked about what they want out of the relationship and right now its "romantically platonic" because they can't commit to anything right now. it just sucks because i really like them?! i'm just afraid of overwhelming them right now but i also wanna show them i'm there for support?! i'm just so confused i don't know what to do.

No. 149912

what is they?

No. 149922

no offense but you sound 19 max.
Why are you referring to someone with a dick as "they"? If they're transgender or whatever… anon, ask yourself if you really want a druggie transgender depressed person who can't commit in your life. Assuming you're young, this is just going to leave you damaged on the start. No relationship, no sex even, but only your ~support~? Be their friend or whatever, but don't romantically involve yourself with someone who can only take.

No. 150069

>broke up with a guy I was dating because of a shitty scenario
>start dating another guy who's lovely and caring
>can't stop thinking about the first guy, miss him terribly
is this just a phase I'm going through because I was much closer with the first guy, or do I have to break up with the guy I'm dating currently to figure this out?

I'm scared I was in love with the first guy and fucked up walking away because of the situation. I'm scared I don't love him and am just nostalgic for that level of comfort again. I'm scared I'll hurt the guy I'm dating now unnecessarily because I made a rash decision. I'm scared I'm leading him on if these feelings for the guy I was dating first don't go away.

I hate how uncertain relationships make me feel.

No. 150072

Just a phase. You made the decision you did for a good reason. Keep steady with your current and you'll forget about that old guy what's-his-name.

No. 150074

>did blow
>cant get it up
well there's why

No. 150093

How long were you single inbetween? Just sounds like you started dating again before you were ready. Like you were still in that 'ruminating' stage after the last break up.

A few therapy sessions usually speeds up that process, if you're in a position to afford that. What was the shitty scenario?

No. 150099

Can you tell us anything about this “situation”? I feel like some context is needed. And as the other anon already said, it’s important to know how long you were single in between the relationships. It might have been too soon.

No. 150105

I'm days late but anon if you're still here, I'm in almost the exact same situation!

I think it's pretty normal to wonder about the "what ifs" while in a relationship, but if he means that much to you then I think the reality is that you'd be worse off without him even if you could party and mingle. I would keep the discord thing to yourself and stay away from the guy you're crushing on, but what do you think about telling your bf about the fictional characters/hentai? I slowly started telling my bf about the BL manga I read and chatting with him about fictional characters I think are attractive. He found it funny and played along, so I feel a bit better about it even if it's disturbing to me personally since, like you, I was never into this stuff before.

No. 150109

basically no time, met the guy I'm seeing now when dating the previous guy. Previous guy didn't want to rush into anything and be an 'official' couple after about 6 months of seeing me, and the situation involved one of his exs still trying to get back with him (he never showed any interest back, but they worked together so there was always contact. Guy I'm seeing now was upfront about liking me and I think that was the final push my frustrated self needed to say 'fuck it I'm not waiting anymore'. But now…iunno, I worry I acted too impulsively out of frustration.

I really enjoy the time I spend with the guy I'm dating now, and when we're together I don't think about the previous guy. But when I'm alone, I do. Why is that?

No. 150112

If he didn’t want to “rush into things” after 6 months, I’m sure you made the right choice.

No. 150126

My significant other struggles with some paranoia stemming from childhood traumas. He is a functioning adult with an education, a good job, friends, a lot hobbies at which he is very talented, but his paranoia puts a strain on our relationship sometimes. It manifests as false memories. They can be about relatively banal occurences, but sometimes they centre on hurtful events that just…never happened. I've confronted him about it before and he felt like I was trying to manipulate him. He briefly saw a therapist at one point but it didn't help.
I think it's a scary thing to live with, imagine being told that your memory of certain events were in fact made up in your own mind. That would make just about anyone believe that they were being gaslighted. It's an incredibly delicate situation that rocks the sense of trust in our relationship and I don't know how to handle it.

No. 150130

I'm in the same boat, anon. I love my boyfriend so much and we've been together for years, yet I have thoughts like these a ton!
What's probably happening here is something that is entirely common in a long-term relationship – your bond changes from a more infatuated bond/limerence into a deeper, more stable and loving bond. Your love has adjusted for the long term, rather than being something new, exciting and drug-like, and at this stage it's entirely common to have wandering thoughts. However, and I've come to this conclusion myself after having the same issue, if you genuinely have a loving bond with your boyfriend, it will be much more rewarding in the long term to stay with him and grow. One way this growth could happen is being open with him about these feelings, particularly the hentai stuff (not necessarily the discord guy as the other anon said.) Even if he seems vanilla, he might be super willing to do kinkier shit to please you. You're probably just at a phase where you need more excitement in your relationship and it's entirely possible to rekindle those initial "exciting" feelings even if it comes and goes in waves throughout your relationship. I promise you that this is something almost everyone in a super long-term relationship goes through at some point, and you already seem to know deep in your heart that you want to stay with your bf.

No. 150146

No idea how to handle that kind of thing, but maybe you could start keeping a diary of your events together that's dated, like a lot of people do just to remember the good times. Then next time he misremembers something that happened with you specifically, you can say 'I remember it differently, look this is what I wrote about that day' and he'll feel less attacked? But it sounds like a pretty serious condition.

No. 150181

>He briefly saw a therapist at one point but it didn't help.
Maybe that's the problem, too briefly?

Personally I'd really encourage him to go back for therapy, not just for his sake but also for yours and your relationship together. This is a very serious condition that requires professional help, in my opinion you can't go around that.

No. 150218

How long did it take you guys to say "I love you" to your partner(s) in your relationships?

No. 150219

It was 3 months for me, but i had known him on a aquintance/friendsship kinda vibe for 3 years before. The 3 months are from the moment on we started having sex and figuring out if we could be more, it wasnt really official the moment i said it but we acted like that if that makes sense

No. 150222

Like 10 months I think?

No. 150226

File: 1599271858497.gif (500.19 KB, 375x244, 1317C9A3-02EE-4C9E-81FE-16D534…)

I said it way too soon apparently

No. 150239

OP here. Apologies for the incoming blog. The reason I asked was because I wanted to gauge things for myself. It'll be ll months this month since I started dating my boyfriend and I hadn't said I love you to him yet until tonight. We had an awkward conversation a few months back where he asked me if I loved him and I kinda had to explain to him that I didn't really know because I'd never experienced it before. He's my first boyfriend and I have serious emotional detachment issues, so it felt weird to say it before I actually believed it. Anyway, I said it tonight, I meant it, and I didn't suddenly combust so I think I'll be fine. Thanks nonnies ♥

No. 150246

I obviously don't know your family situation but if it's as shitty as you make it sound, he might just resent you for leaving. While you were out on your own he was stuck with his father that sounds like a terrible person. You saying good job, proud of you, etc. over text does literally nothing for him.

No. 150276

God, my ex is so hot I don't even care about a relationship I just want to fuck him before I leave the country and never have the chance again.

No. 150296

I know male balding is natural but since this is lolcow you're probably young and so is he. It's worth looking into if any health problems or hormone imbalances might be causing it. Losing all your hair within a year sounds suspicious; hairloss is even a covid symptom.

No. 150298

He reminds me of Ethan Hawke's chara in Before Sunrise, so this opinion is spot-on

Maybe 30, maybe a rugged 20

No. 150299

Update, I scrolled and he's 43 but is dating a woman of 28, so I guess the anons calling him sleazy called it. Either sleazy or emotionally stunted.

No. 150300

>ended amicably despite being married for 15 years

Ok anon is the midlife crisis/replacement younger woman, yikes

No. 150301

Samefag, I nailed it with the Before Sunrise comparison since his chara is also a midlife crisis divorcee in the later movies.

Good luck Anon.

No. 150305


I would have given him anywhere from 22-32. Jeez. He has some good genetics.

He looks around your age. And other anons are being pretty harsh, he looks kind

No. 150306

So my bf lives with his mom and she just had heart surgery still he's going out everyday without a mask to play magic with his friends. Their relationship isn't the best but it's BC he kinda blames her for being poor and not able to help him monetarily. He's super kind to me but I am not sure anymore. I guess he's kinda shitty. I wanna break up but I am feeling super guilty

No. 150309

Think of it this way: yea he doesn't love-love his mom but we're in the middle of a pandemic and you wouldn't want to pass that covid shit to anyone let alone your parent who just had surgery aka even more vulnerable. He sounds fucking shitty no matter his mom relationship, he is also putting his friends at risk so the stupidity might cover even loved ones.

No. 150446

girls, i'm a fucking idiot. i've been in a relationship for 3 yrs and ended it like two months ago. felt amazing and have been having fun with a guy, no strings attached and i've been liking it this way!

now here comes the fucked up part: he was with another girl in the club and she was throwing herself at him and i got so madly jealous that i almost threw up. i don't know if anything happened but it really shouldn't matter since we both made clear we don't want more out of it.

but i guess im just lying to myself right? or else i wouldn't have gotten this jealous.

my question: how do i successfully live the hoe-life? i can't do this falling in love and heartbreak shit anymore

No. 150448

Have you been with anyone else except this guy? If he is the only one you give your attention to then it's definitely gonna be hard to not develop some kind of attachment.
In general good practice - I believe that for anyone but especially for a novice hoe - would be to not have any longer term hook-ups, even if both you and the other party want to keep it going. Set a deadline, something like like up to 2 weeks of hooking up and then move on to someone else, no going back, otherwise you'll just grow attached to them again.

No. 150451


nah, i haven't been with anyone else except this guy and you're totally right. i need to stop myself before i develop feelings for him bc then i'll be FUCKED.

thank you!

No. 150461

I’m dating this guy. I’m 20 he’s 21 we’ve been together about 10 months and basically been inseparable, meeting or calling daily, basically lived together during quarantine because we both stayed at the university we both go to. He’s graduated now and we’re back home, an hour train from each other. It seemed all fine as usual then suddenly he’s been feeling really depressed and unsocial. He says he’s going through shit because he’s struggling to find a job after graduating and feels like a burden to his family financially. This is all understandable and of course I completely get that but he’s been taking it out on me and our relationship. He never wants to meet anymore, whenever I try to talk to him he says he’s too depressed to talk to other people and that I need to give him time, but it gets to a point where we don’t even talk. Plus I need to see where we’re at because he’s considering working abroad while I’m still at uni so I don’t know how we’re gonna work out, but every time I try to tell him how I feel and how we need to talk and communicate he blames me for ‘always making him feel bad’. This has also happened in relation to porn because I’ve told him I don’t feel comfortable with him watching it and then he promises he’ll change then I find out he’s lying and then he twists it to make it seem like I’m always criticising him. I’m confused and sad now because I still have feelings for him and know we have chemistry (at least we did when he wasn’t feeling depressed) and I idk what to do moving forward. Pls help me

No. 150463

Also he keeps saying once he feels better we’ll be able to talk like we used to and continue to be together but…it’s difficult on me right now

No. 150473

If you enjoy spending time with him don't completely erase him from your life, but whenever you feel the urge to have him all to yourself or get jealousy pangs focus your attention on someone else. Go on tinder, get a backup guy (or two, or three) and chat with them instead. This works wonders for me and I've been able to stay a single hoe for almost a year now while fucking a gorgeous man who doesn't want a committed relationship either plus a few more flings.

No. 150503

Is it inappropriate / harmful to be friends with an ex that cheated on me?
We've been best friends before, cheating ruined my self esteem and romantic relationship between us, but 2 years has passed and we get along fine. Even though I do have issues with trust because of said ex in my current relationship, I don't feel like cutting ties with him would change anything there; my current boyfriend though is increasingly annoyed of me being still in touch with the ex and says I should cut ties. I can't help hesitating because he really is the only close friend I have, other people are just on the colleague level, so that is a terrifying thing to lose as close friends are incredibly hard to find. But it makes sense for my boyfriend to be annoyed that I'm friends with a person who hurt me in the past. What do you think, what would you advice I do?

No. 150505

Being friends with an ex is almost never a good idea, even if they didn't cheat on you, abuse you, etc. Tbh I feel like there is something you aren't telling us here if him cheating on you isn't enough to make you want to cut ties with him. I'd absolutely be concerned if I were your partner. Specifically, I'd worry that you still had feelings for him.

No. 150506

I 100% don't have feelings for him but what could be a contributing factor was that after being cheated on I had to still live with him for about a year because I couldn't financially afford going anywhere else. It's very likely that if I could have moved away and cut ties then, we would not be in contact anymore; but since I was forced to see him every day for a year I had to cope with it somehow separating in my mind the idea that this is a person that hurt me and the fact that this is a person I have to share a living space with. Maybe it messed me up to not move out sooner.

No. 150512

Yes, it is inappropriate.

No. 150514

Since you said you only learnt to stomach your ex cause you were forced to live with him blah blah, why don't you try a long distance relationship i.e. just text, see who initiates actually hanging out. It's weird to stay friends with exes imo. Exes from adolescence sure or someone you had a few dates with but after living with someone and going that far romantically to just being platonic is weird. You both need space away from each other, it's healthy.

No. 150526

Thanks you anons, I feel like I keep trying to convince myself it's okay even though I already know objectively it really is not. I think sometimes I just need a strangers opinion to push me in a right direction and stop being stupid. Keep your fingers crossed for me to find good friends I don't have romantic history with, like a decent human being
> why don't you try a long distance relationship i.e. just text, see who initiates actually hanging out
It's been like this since COVID in late winter, he definitely invites me more than I invite him but I think more of an issue is that we really talk constantly… I'll try to just slowly step away until it's more of a healthy distance.

No. 152037

My boyfriend doesn't often initiate affection like kissing and hugging unless he's drunk, and it's starting to make me feel kind of unwanted because I really need physical affection. He's told me before that he doesn't need much physical affection to be happy so I guess he just doesn't think about it, but I'm starting to feel like I should bring it up to him. I think what's making it 10x worse is that my roommate and her boyfriend are always at our house being overly physically affectionate and lovey dovey and whilst I would hate that level of performative romance it still makes me feel upset that I barely get any.

What can I say that won't make me sound like a prick? I should add that my boyfriend is probably autistic, idk if it makes a difference as to how I should handle it.

No. 152038

File: 1600601083820.jpg (14.12 KB, 330x331, 6f2140c30aafbca65ff931bb9a64af…)

My boyfriend and I have been together close to a year now. I have strong feelings for him but he can be overly clingy. He always wants to spend time together 24/7 to the point where he gets offended if I want to hang out with friend(s) without him. It's also a recurring theme where he laments that his ex never made time for him leaving him behind to spend time with her friends. Recently, he told me how upset he was when she went to another city for a girl's trip and said he couldn't come. He was really insistent about not understanding why he couldn't just tag along. When I tried explaining that the point of a girls trip is for it to be all girls he got offended and said he would get mad at any of his friends if they didn't want me hanging out. I tried talking the issue out but the whole convo felt like red flags.

His mom also recently told him not to put so much of his energy and time into relationships when he told her he needed to go home (after visiting for an hour or so) so he could spend time with me.

I try talking to him about these issues but sometimes it just doesn't feel like we're on the same page.
Do you guys think his behavior is unsalvageable or something that can be worked on? Am I in the wrong here? Or is this just a matter of preference in how much time you like to spend with your SO?

No. 152046

my advice is just be honest about why you need more affection from him, like you have been here. As for wording, I'd try something like 'hey, I know you said physical affection isn't important for you to feel cared for, but it is for me. When I get a surprise kiss of a cuddle from you, it makes my day and really lifts my mood. Can you please try to give me more affection in this way?'

I wouldn't mention other couples, or mention that you feel sad / unwanted from this, because in my experience men react badly to guilt or critique. Good luck anon, I hope your bf spoils you with kisses and hugs soon.

No. 152050

Thanks so much for the advice anon, I'll say this pretty much word for word next time I see him

No. 152064

You've already gotten good advice but. I was in a similar situation, but as your boyfriend I guess. My bf is my first partner and through childhood and teenage age I wasn't really affectionate with anyone. Because of that, I was bad at receiving affection and even worse giving it. He, on the other hand, is very naturally affectionate. After a while he kind of exploded and told me he feels unwanted etc. While for me, I thought I'm doing great progress and we're fine and it's all flowers and floating hearts. So maybe your boyfriend really doesn't understand how you're feeling and there's no malice behind it. So don't come at him with an attack, but be understanding. Voice your needs firmly though. Two people can have different love languages but it's important to try to speak each other's.

No. 152094

I know this sounds retarded but I sent him a meme from the dumb bitch memes thread on /m/ and he replied "mild cringe" and now I want to kill myself. I'm so dependent on male approval, I fucking hate it

No. 152126

dumb bitch memes aren’t cringe I think they just don’t resonate with men as well. fuck his opinion

No. 152127

It’s definitely not you anon. This is unhealthy and codependent behavior on your boyfriend’s side. It’s possible he can improve but that’ll take a combination of you maintaining your boundaries and needs (of seeing friends without him) and him coming to understand why it isn’t the end of the world if you’re not always together. I would be kind but also lay things out clearly for him.

Let him know that you love spending time with him, but that you also need to enjoy your friends alone sometimes. You can explain that they may want to talk with you about personal topics, and although they may like your bf, they have obviously known you longer and wouldn’t be comfortable doing so around someone they’ve only had as a casual acquaintance for a year. And even when it comes to more casual things, simply put, they are your friends and not his, and are entitled to have your attention to themselves every now and then. I would tell him he should appreciate time alone with his friends as well so that his life is balanced and he’s not reliant upon you for all his happiness, which can be very draining.

It seems your boyfriend may have a hang up about this due to past treatment from an ex, so I would let him know that if he’s ever feeling neglected, he should be able to let you know. But also establish fair boundaries… like if you’ve spent 5/7 days of the week with him and then he gets upset about you going out with friends once, that’s not cool. You can reassure him but after that he has to accept what a normal, healthy relationship looks like and understand that you are not the center of each other’s worlds, even though you can be very important parts of it.

No. 152141

Christ anon. Stop being so desperate for male approval, easier said than done I know and if you like someone you obviously want their approval but not everything you like will be understood or appeal to everyone else. It's fine if he thinks it's 'mildly cringey'. Hell, I find some of the dumb bitch memes cringey. Not a big deal, you'll also find some of his interests not resonate with you, which is fine too.

No. 152185

How do deal with having a partner with DID? They only came forward about it recently but a lot of their 'alters' clearly don't like me. Does anyone have good ways to cope? Please don't suggest breaking up, that's not an option for me since it'll make me look like a monster.

No. 152188

do better anon stop acting like a teenager

No. 152193

>that's not an option for me since it'll make me look like a monster.
Wha? You'd be a monster for breaking up with someone who has a mental illness with side effects you don't want to deal with? People do this all the time and it's totally valid. Just like someone may not want to be in a relationship with someone who has cancer or some other debilitating disease. I deal with depression and if my partner wanted to break up with me because I wasn't actively managing it and I can be an energy-sucking sadsack then that's okay, I wouldn't hold it against him.

Sorry anon but that's a terrible reason to stay. It would be one thing if you said, "I don't want to leave my partner because I really love them and want to help them through this," but as it stands you sound like a prisoner.

No. 152194

Have they been officially diagnosed? What nature of trauma happened in their childhood? Are they getting therapy that it specifically for that?

I ask all that because with all the popular DID youtubers popping up in the last few years you now have women with more mundane issues like BPD getting wrapped up in the idea and announcing it without a diagnosis. Just make believing that they have it and pretending to have a diagnosis.

I would want clear proof that it's diagnosed if I were you. If 'alters' will potentially be used as get out of jail free cards any time she gets abusive with you.. you at least want absolute proof that a professional has diagnosed it and is treating her trauma. It already sounds like something dodgy is happening if her 'alters' don't like you. You can totally leave a person with mental illness. I have a mental illness that affects me greatly, I've been dumped twice. That's life. And that is your right. You can't be held hostage because of an illness.

No. 152195

Good point… thank you for your input anon, will bear this in mind

No. 152210

>you sound like a prisoner

I am one. They are completely dependent on me which is why leaving is absolutely off the table.

No. 152225

All he said was "mild cringe." That's not even that bad. He doesn't like one meme, big deal. Men have trouble relating enough as it is.
Which one?

No. 152235

Is it a fakeboy? A tranny?
Especially if this person is a genderspecial claiminig to have DID, I'd say that they're probably not officially diagnosed and are making their alters up to seem special and to manipulate you. Of course I'm no psychiatrist but actual DID is extremely rare and I doubt that this person has it.

No. 152236

not your problem. stop wasting your time and leave

No. 152239

You come on here asking for advice, but you don't want to hear the only sound advice. You're just scared of leaving. No change is more comfortable than leaving even if staying sucks.

I'd say get out before sacrificing your life to a mentally ill person. In my parent's marriage one of them has a mental illness and it was hell growing up with them. Only after 20+ years when they finally got professional help that helped them understand each other and cope did it finally get bearable. Having seen a relationship with one mentally ill-half from up-close, I'd warn anyone who's in a relationship with a mentally ill person to get the hell out. Staying in a relationship with a mentally ill person is a literal sacrifice of your own life and happiness and you'll get nothing in return.

Regardless if you insist on staying you need get help from a professional who can help you understand your partner's mental illness and how to deal with that. That's not something we can give you proper advice on.

No. 152242

Are you serious? Go live your life instead of regretting wasting your time on someone who can't take care of themselves on their own. There are much better people out there.

No. 152245

That is the exact reason why you need to leave. That is so far from healthy and you'll both find your mental health spiraling under those circumstances.

Rip the band-aid off and just cut that person off. It'll be better for you both in the long run. she'll/he'll get over it like every other person on earth who gets dumped. You know marriages end, people with kids split, nobody is above getting fucking dumped when their partner is no longer happy. Seeing as they are a genderspecial and just happen to have this oh so rare disorder (be sceptical girl) then yes they'll freak out and try to put you through manipulation tactics while blaming alters. Don't buy it. Cut contact like they recommend people do with narcs/untreated bpders. That's likely what she/he is. Some people with cluster b disorders and narc traits greatly exaggerate their 'illness/victimhood' to hold people emotionally captive like that and you statistically are much more likely to meet one of those assholes in your lifetime than a truly diagnosed DIDer.. hint, hint. Block them on every avenue they can use to contact you because they will suicide bait you otherwise.

No. 152250

File: 1600775772521.png (85.69 KB, 275x206, 1598905518294.png)

Girls I don't know if I want to try the relationship or reject him. I know he loves me, we know each other years ago online and it was reciprocated. But at this time I was young and my self esteem was really low, not to mention we never saw each other so going on a relationship was a no to me in the end. We got in contact again and it's been two years, we chat just fine and often have something to talk about.

Except that I'm still undecided as ever, I keep switching between "Should I go out with him?" to "Nope don't wanna, I'm glad I didn't". I start to think that the part of me that want to give a try is because I know it'll be hard for me to find someone if I reject him now: ugly, socially awkward, etc. We actually never properly exchanged our pictures (he did saw my face by accident) and only chatted vocal like 2 times. So I'm already super pessimistic when I'm thinking about being his girlfriend, if he sees that I'm not that 8/10 girl next door and I don't want my self-esteem being already hurt again. And yes I said "Give it a try" not "I love him" because even that I don't fucking now, the bright side that I see is that I can try to date someone to see if there's feeling. But going out with him because I'm afraid to miss my only opportunity and not out of love is hella disrespectful to him.

I just want to tell him all of that, yo girl is not conventionally pretty. We never met IRL and I wished we did that as friends, not "potential partners" because that stress me out. I'm afraid that I'm not in love and force myself because how the freak I'm supposed to find someone that will love me. Even best case scenario he finds me pretty, do I love him? I don't just know.

No. 152254

Just exchange selfies which each other and get it over with.

No. 152259

It really sounds like you don't want this relationship and only consider it out of loneliness or something. You say it yourself, it's between maybe and no, never a yes. Don't do it to yourself.

No. 152278

Yes, I do get the butterfly feeling but it's more related from the attention I'm getting. I'll be honest and just tell him I don't feel confortable (I missed the opportuniy because he's doing engineering studies and I didn't wanted to add more anxiety with his workload).

I wouldn't even mind "as friends" lmao

Thank you

No. 152285

Is it a bad sign, or considerate, if my boyfriend lied to me to not make me upset? Does he fear me if I become upset?

It's really stupid. So yesterday some teenage employee at a grocery store was giving me shit because my chip card at the self-checkout suddenly wasn't taking. It was one of those machines where if it senses it's a chip card it won't let you swipe. She was giving me a bunch of attitude because I just asked her if she could suspend my order and swipe my card up at the main desk. I used to work at a grocery store so I know it's something I'd do for a customer if their card couldn't read, or manually punch it in. She told me no and that the issue was my card and it wasn't going to work at all so I'd just have to go get cash from an ATM or pay differently. I didn't really believe her about the chip being bad and said how I didn't think it was my card, but either way she didn't seem to be interested in helping me out and wanted to make it entirely my problem. I rescanned on a different machine and same issue. I wound up paying with a different card which is also a chip but it malfunctioned with that chip too. Of course I thought no way it was me at that point. I got it to take after a second time which made me think the store's card readers were just bad.

My bf who's a manager at a different grocery store chain listened to me sperg about it and sided with me.
Fast forward to today: I went to pay for a meal before work and noticed when I handed my card to the employee my chip malfunctioned again, but this employee just swiped my card and didn't make it my problem so it was all good.
I texted my bf about how I stood corrected about my chip failing, and he replied "Hahahaha…I wanted to say something last night but didn't want to make you mad." Idk, he could have told me the truth and I would have believed him. After all, I don't really care that the chip isn't working, I was more pissed off from the girl's lazy attitude.
I texted with a laugh back and told him he can tell me the truth. I'm just nervous that apparently he's going to lie to me if he thinks the truth will upset me, or apparently I'm such an intense bull that he thinks I wouldn't have handled the truth well.

No. 152294

Well, it depends on how you react to things that might anger you. If you react badly, then yes, he might be doing it to avoid such a wrath. If you don't, then my opinion is that he thought it was a trivial thing and laughed it off. I dunno. I feel like you're overreacting, to be honest.

No. 152296

Seriously anon, this is so minor. I wouldn’t even consider it a lie so much as being supportive of your partner. If my bf was complaining about an annoying situation even if I figured he might be wrong about something, I’d just shrug it off and let him vent without any real concern over the specifics (if it was over something so banal and lacking any moral implications). I’d consider it rude and dismissive to be all, “ACTUALLY dear, you probably fucked up in this situation,” in the midst of him just wanting to blow off steam. Of course any normal person would be frustrated with their partner nitpicking when they just wanted to relate a story. Imo laugh over the honest mistake and move on.

If it was a situation where you were like, bitching out the employee for not doing what you wanted, then it might warrant “I understand you were upset honey but I feel like you may have needlessly attacked that girl,” but there’s literally no moral quandary on your end, just the employee kind of being an ass to you. I’m sure your bf just wanted to give you the opportunity to get it off your chest without interrupting over something so minor.

No. 152299

He was afraid that you'd overreact or take it personally…and I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but you are now kind of proving his point by reacting strongly to such a white lie. It's seems overly critical to judge him for that or almost read into his character.. You said he listened to you sperg, and he eventually told you when he thought the moment was right. What more could you realistically want from someone? I can see his issue here.

No. 152304

If someone is venting about something, I wouldn't interrupt them with a "ackchually you could be wrong here," it's just unnecessary. Not always saying what's on your mind isn't lying. Obviously when you listen to a story, you consider the possibilities in your head, and if I listened to your story, I would have agreed as well. It seems unlikely you'd have two malfunctioning chip cards, but of course it's possible.

It's more concerning that you're thinking about this so much, and you're coming off high-strung. People who interject with "facts and logic" when someone is clearly just annoyed are very tiresome, and it's a good sign your bf has enough social intelligence to not do that.

No. 152306

Yeah I'm probably overthinking it. Sorry for the navel gazing, this is why I like an anonymous place to vent to. Thank you farmers.

No. 152347

If someone bullied you and intimidated you into a relationship, tried to impregnate you against your will,
threatened your loved ones and you eventually gave in because trying to escape was very hard
and then did become pregnant and now had a 4 month old daughter…..
I no longer work, he took my car to use for work and I cannot even easily leave for leisure and he never ever lets me leave alone with the baby
I think I have stockholm syndrome. after completely surrendering my life to him he is amicable at best and uninterested in me entirely most of the time but pretty benign
I tell him “this life depresses me its hard to be a good mother in this context”
I also say “you have hurt me and my mind greatly i think i need to leave to recover” and he thinks that he is so much better now that i am selfish and ridiculous to rob our child of a father
This shit is fucking insane and multiple people watched it happen to me
my family thinks im just weird for being impregnated by a 45 year old man who does not seem to like me

No. 152349

Wow… I’m sorry anon. Can you look at women’s shelters in your area? The first step would be to look into places that can help you transition into your own personal housing. They should be able to help you fully separate from your abuser and find work/child support as well. I don’t know enough to provide more clarity than that but please look at every resource available to you in your location.

No. 152355

I don't really know how to feel. I am having a stressful week at work and that is making me react snappy in certain conversations with my partner. He told me last night he sometimes hates hanging out with me because of how snappy i've been. I have apologised and tried to explain that work is extremely stressful, my dissertation is due in next week and my period just started but it all feels like excuses and I just feel like a horrible person.

Although, I also feel like he doesn't help my stress? I was really busy yesterday and he comes in, whilst making food for himself and not me as well lol, asking 'are we out of beans' ??? is my brain connected to the cupboard or something? why can't you just check? like we haven't done laundry because we don't have any laundry stuff but he won't go get it even though he's a lot freer than I am, I've been working since Monday and I went to the shop multiple times to check, when I was on my break and it didn't have any. I could go to another shop but I just don't have time, whereas he's just playing games and says he 'doesn't want to go to the shop' ?

There's a comic out there about the mental load women have compared to men and it feels like that is happening but any time I bring it up he refutes it and says he does do stuff for me but I can't think of the times he does the stuff he says he does? especially off his own merit, I usually have to ask to get anything done such as 'can you do the washing' or 'can you go to the shop' and it's always met with a groan or 'i don't want to' or 'yes mien furher' ? I just think my resentment is building ontop of my stress but I can't talk to him about it either cause he gets pissy. There are a lot of things I don't want to do either but I just have to cause otherwise it won't get done.

I just feel like im being a bit gaslit like I can see the situation, I can see I care a lot more than he does about a lot of things around the house and tasks that need doing but when I talk to him it's always like 'no i do this this and this'? but it doesn't make sense cause the dishes aren't washed, the clothes aren't done, the food isn't cooked? the house is a mess. I try to clean in my free time but I want to relax as well the same way he gets to. I only get the weekend off and I am already tired of spending it cleaning up only for it to get messy through the week.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it off my chest.

No. 152373

I don't even know what's good advice to deal with this situation but I just wanted to relate and say I've been there too and it sucks to be the one always having to ask your partner to simply pull their weight. The fact that there's no initiative taken to do chores and it always has to be requested of them.. my ex would sit in a dirty apartment with chores just piling up around him and never do them without me having to nearly beg him to help. Even then he'd have a day off work and if I came home and asked that he do dishes (after a day of him playing vidya games) I'd have to do the dishes alongside him or else 'it wasn't fair'….

I think it's rooted in old gender roles. Even when you're busier than them or working longer hours it still comes down to you to be the one motivated to clean both of your clothes… I reached a point where I didn't see a future like that, especially in terms of having a family. That workload would be a nightmare and a constant battle so I left. That and like you said it feels like gaslighting for someone to make you out to be unreasonable just for wanting some sort of even split in care of the home.

I never found a solution apart from us splitting up but I just wanted to say I hear you. I know your frustration.

No. 152392

It's really good that you recognize you can't live like this. A lot of women would be in denial in your situation (not blaming them, denial is a symptom of the abuse).
So you've overcome the mental hurdles and you know this can't go on.
In your situation I would immediately start SECRETLY planning to gtfo. Secretly because you say he's benign, but I don't know how he's going to react now that you're definitely trying to leave. He's already threatened your loved ones.
Stop talking to him about leaving, he's not going to help you leave, he's going to actively try and stop you leaving.
Start stashing whatever money you can in a secret bank account. Start telling your family that you and the baby NEED to leave. I know they watched it happen to you, but if they can help you now then you need that help. Plan to leave and then execute that plan as quickly and decisively as possible.

No. 152404

Anon, this is a shit situation (for you). I promise there are men out there who clean up around the house without being asked because they're competent adults who appreciate a tidy living space. Men who enjoy cooking and willingly offer to make dinner in general, and doubly so when you're stressed. Who don't complain when you ask for support or for small tasks to be taken care of. I'm telling you right now you are not crazy or demanding for wanting (or even expecting) more.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is a complete ass, but from what you've expressed here he certainly seems pretty crappy. I hope you will really think if this is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you're interested in having kids eventually, can you imagine how much more responsibility you'd have to shoulder with this guy acting like an inept, whiny teen? You'd already have one kid to take care of, then you'd have him on top of it. Where does that leave your own needs?

No. 152413

I just had a big fight with my boyfriend and I don't know how to feel. My dad was diagnosed with corona a couple days ago, and he's at high risk. I'm extremely worried. A coupe of days ago I got home from uni and I tell my boyfriend that I've been really unfocused because of how worried I am. He makes me feel like I am completely irrational for being scared instead of trying to comfort me. He's been having some problems with his health too (not acute, but def stressful) and somehow turns the conversation into how I've not been worrying enough about HIM. At one point he even goes "who are you most worried about, your dad who's almost 60 or me?" and I just… Somehow he managed to turn the fact that my dad might die into an argument about his own health issues? This lasted for HOURS and at no point did he attempt to comfort me or make me feel better.
I just don't know, anons. Is this some sort of emotional abuse? We've been together for so many years but it felt like my emotional attachment to this person just disapeared, then and there. Am I being unreasonable?

No. 152415

>"who are you most worried about, your dad who's almost 60 or me?"
I've buried a parent (she was 58 and a small infection spiralled) and years after that I had a bf give out to me for crying on mothers day… It took my attention away from him. Looking back that's such a clear warning sign, when all they feel in that moment… is robbed of your attention! You have one dad, most romantic relationships have an expiry date. That's just reality. To put you in this position of 'tell me I matter more than your father' is unreasonable. He doesn't matter more. He shouldn't expect to and if his wording was what you quoted there then that's very telling. You're not even married to this man.
>This lasted for HOURS
>Is this some sort of emotional abuse?
If it's hours upon hours of arguing without any real effort to find a middleground or solution.. they're usually just trying to emotionally punish you. You can usually judge for yourself whether an argument is constructive or just lashing out.

I'm really sorry anon. I hope your dad manages to fight through it. You deserve to be able to vent right now and I hope that theres someone else in your life that proves more supportive to you during this.

No. 152419

I'm so sorry and good luck anon, I hope your dad is okay. I don't find situations like that worth it at all, have you guys been together for years and he just started acting like this? blogpost but last year I just had an absolute shit year, one thing after another culminating in the death of a relative and my bf at the time could not sympathize with me at all, not even a little bit, and would constantly belittle me for not being able to be "fun" to be around. Its incredible how little empathy men have.

No. 152438

He just straight up 'all lives matter'ed your dad. What a pissbaby.

No. 152457

He's being absolutely unreasonable. He might've been worried about his own health issues and feeling like you don't care for a while, and your dad's health issue might've acted as the tipping point. But even so, he should've had the common sense to not bring it up at a time like this. How incredibly self-centered.
I actually had something similar happen to me recently. My cat was extremely sick for a week, I was worried sick, hadn't slept or eaten, and my fwb decided that it was a good time to start talking about his hurt feefees about something minor and unrelated. I told him now is not a good time but he kept going. I blocked him.

No. 152470

it's emotional abuse and manipulation through and through, i would get out of that relationship as fast as i can. man with that kind of victm mentality are always bad news and it's difficult to notice the signs until is blatantly obvious (talking from experience, sadly) good luck and i hope your dad gets better soon

No. 152492

I hope you leave this asshole anon. It's so disgusting that he literally took a situation about your father's fragile health and made it about him instead of supporting you. I hate that for you. I understand what it's like being in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's hard to see because it (unfortunately) becomes something you normalize. But you deserve so much better than this. Your partner should support you and build you up, not make you feel worse over a perfectly normal thing to be stressed over. I hope your dad gets better soon and that you can find a real support system.

No. 152495

he's either an asshole or a retard, dump him. I hope your father gets better, anon.

No. 152518

I'm so sorry for your loss anon, and that you had to experience a bf that wouldn't even let you grieve on mothers day. I def agree that this kind of behavior is a big warning sign. Our argument never became constructive, although I tried to communicate how his behavior made me feel several times. He just continued acting completely irrational - the whole situation felt absurd. Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.
Thank you anon, I completely agree and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. There's absolutely been some warning signs prior to this, and tbh he's rarely provided the support I've needed whenever I've been dealing with traumatic stuff. I just feel like this is the one situation that made me understand how incredibly unhealthy this relationship is. It's like it finally dawned on me.
kek, thank you for making me laugh anon
Thank you so much anons, this is exactly what I need to hear. I've been considering leaving him before, but this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I've been rationalizing his behavior for years, telling myself that it's not "serious enough" to be considered emotional abuse. My reasons for being sad or stressed are never good enough for him, he tells me when I should get home after seeing friends, whenever I'm crying it's because I have an undiagnosed "mental disorder". I'm never allowed to react to anything; if I do, I'm being irrational. At this point, I'm scared of sharing my feelings with him because I know I'll be judged, not supported. Just writing this makes me feel ashamed that I've allowed myself to be treated like this.
For the first time I'm a 100% certain that leaving him is the right thing to do.

No. 152590

Please help, anons in relationships…

I just got diagnosed with celiac disease, and I have a few other food allergies on top of it.

Is it fair to ask my live in boyfriend that we don't keep my forbidden foods in the house anymore?

He's a picky eater so we already eat different stuff for almost every meal. He eats bread at least twice a day. We both work and study from home.

The problem is I'll get too tempted by his food and especially snacks, and eat it. I'm aware it's a sort of self harm but I can't stop myself sometimes. I'll eat just enough to make me sick but not enough to go to hospital… I don't think he knows how badly it affects me.

I just don't know if it's reasonable to ask him to quit bread and other foods altogether. I've asked him to hide his snacks away but when I'm motivated I always find them so it doesn't work. He's joked about having a snack safe but I know he'll just leave the key lying around.

I don't know what to do.

No. 152593


Oh my god get over yourself lol, no one is forcing you to eat the food, get some self restraint…

No. 152598

You are the only person responsible for the food that you choose to put in your mouth

Asking your bf to cut out foods or saying that he doesn't hide food well enough.. sounds like a whole load of blame shifting. You have to tackle this yourself. If you need to see a professional to work on those cravings then don't be ashamed to do that.

No. 152658

im one of those people who hate being single (dating market is shit, dating itself is scary, i get bored alone) i used to be very clingy, but i've finally found someone i can spend plenty of time away from and still be comfortable with. its such a nice feeling just having alone time, not half living together, not getting grouched at for not doing the dishes or whatever. but i can also go get laid or whatever the fuck relationships are about when i feel like it, and get nice messages throughout the day

No. 152661

Girl, just get some self restraint. Idk what else to tell you, if he isn’t dangling unsafe foods before your eyes I don't see why he needs to stop bread

No. 152669

you just got diagnosed so you probably don't totally get the ins and outs of it yet, but, once you've cut gluten out for an extended period of time a very small amount of it will make you spend the night in the bathroom throwing up.

the bigger issue with living with someone when you're celiac is cross contamination. It's extremely difficult to keep crumbs out of your food, use different toaster ovens, etc

in my opinion it's not unreasonable at all to demand someone stop eating gluten inside the house entirely. Getting glutened will kill you very early if you are celiac. I know several celiacs who's partners have cut gluten out to accommodate them- its a sacrifice they have to make if they actually understand what gluten does to someone who is celiac and care about your health.

ofc I agree with the other anons that your reason being so you aren't "tempted" is stupid though. You are diagnosed celiac. You can never eat wheat again. You have to deal with that

No. 152670

> im one of those people who hate being single
Grow up.

No. 152671

I am celiac. My boyfriend doesn’t eat gluten in the house, except certain prepackaged foods that aren’t messy and the occasional carry-out, to avoid cross contamination after it happened a few times and made me really sick. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to ask him to make some sacrifices if you live together, but you really can’t blame him for your own lack of self-restraint either. You’re still choosing to eat his snacks and that’s on you, especially when you’ve gone looking for the food he’s tried hiding. I know it’s hard at the beginning, but it does get easier the longer you stick to the diet. My own cravings are few and far between after 8 years gluten free, plus I’ve found safe replacements for a lot of my faves when they do hit. You will get there too with practice. Good luck with your gluten free transition and I hope you feel better soon.

No. 152677

I don't think you understand this thread anon

No. 152681

She's hardly worried about 'cross contamination' and crumbs killing her if she's actively hunting down the gluten and eating it herself..

No. 152684

So my ex reached out to me last night saying how he misses me and hopes we can give it another shot. Thing is, he ended up leaving me for another girl. But the other thing is, it was kind of my fault.

I am basically emotionally stunted (though I have been working on this via a therapist since the split) and would be hot/cold constantly thought the 6 or so months we dated. Toward the end he was asking me to be his girlfriend / go public as a couple, but because I’m a shithead I kept dodging an answer. Looking back I did unfairly string him along, I was just intimidated by my feelings for him - I had never liked a guy as much as I liked him. Guess he eventually got tired of waiting around for me, started talking more with a friend of his and decided to try a relationship with her instead.

They didn’t last long (I think because he didn’t really have feelings for her) and apparently they split on good terms a few months ago and he’s been single since.

I really miss him. Won’t lie, I was devastated when he left me for this other girl but after reflecting I can see all the mistakes I made. Now he wants to try again and I do too, but, am I being totally unrealistic here? Am I just getting scared again? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I just want to love and feel loved, why am I so self sabotaging!

No. 152685

While normally questions like "should I get back with an ex" are an automatic NO in my head, your situation is so specific I'd actually lean towards maybe yes? Just be aware that your fear and avoidance are not magically gone, once you get together with him it all is very likely to come back to you. But it definitely wouldn't hurt to at least try rekindling the relationship you had before, he clearly is interested in you, just be honest with him about how you felt in the past and how you feel now.

No. 152687

>Stupid bitch.
Nta but can't we have just one serious thread where we don't act like this?

No. 152688

I would normally say exes are too messy but technically he's not a full on ex. You will still have that issue of an underlying feeling of having been rejected/abandoned though. (he walked away from me once before, he chose her over me etc)

Do you feel emotionally well enough to deal with those nagging feelings if or when they pop up?

No. 152690

File: 1601114674401.jpeg (20.07 KB, 275x216, 1B344655-8E0C-4603-BD8C-A61B87…)

My bf and I have different political beliefs. We do agree on a few things but disagree on others. This isn’t a dealbreaker for me, but tonight, he brought up abortion for some reason (I’m pro-choice, he’s pro-life). He ended up saying that if he were with someone, got her pregnant, and she decided to have an abortion, then he would break up with her. I’m a virgin and wouldn’t have unprotected sex unless I wanted a kid, but I guess hearing him say that just gave me sort of a bad/sad feeling? Ofc I don’t think anything like that would ever happen to me, but I’m just not sure how to feel about what he said. I just felt awkward and bad the rest of the night.

No. 152691

It sounds like he has a huge ego, to value his undeveloped offspring higher than his girlfriend. This is a huge red flag if I‘ve ever seen one and I would be livid if I were you.

No. 152693

Uhhh, this is a tough one, I'm so sorry anon. It's fine to have some different opinions but abortion is one of these topics on which it's really really important to align since it's not 100% impossible it will not become relevant at some point. You can try to educate him, maybe there's a chance he just doesn't have enough knowledge to see why being pro-choice is so important?

No. 152695

Your bf doesn't believe in women's bodily autonomy and is in favour of forced birthing? I should hope you have a stronger negative reaction than 'sort of a bad/sad feeling' jesus christ. Like… that's straight up loathsome, to the point that you can confidently say he's a bad person who hates women. It's not the sort of political difference that you should 'agree to disagree' on.

No. 152696

I don't view men saying this shit as just having 'different political opinions'

Even if you are celebate til marriage and you plan your kids out…if you decide you can only handle so many kids and one more surpise pregnancy slips in there…you'd have to fight this man for your right to bodily autonomy. Would he divorce you?

I've seen women with postnatal depression stuck in that exact position. It's not just political. Once you're with him it becomes very personal. If you're ever planning to start having sex with him you can't really agree to disagree on this.

No. 152698

He said that even if a couple DOES use protection and the woman still gets pregnant, that they should “deal with the consequences of their actions.” It just makes me wonder if he even would ever want to have sex if that’s how he feels? The idea of being forced to give birth against my will sounds horrifying but even when I convey that to him, he still cares about the fetus more. It’s just hard because I’m so attached and I really do care for him. I’ll talk to him about it.

No. 152699

By that logic you should stay celebate and fuck a handful of times in your entire lifetime, only at the times you're actively trying to conceive. Is he happy with that plan?

No. 152700

Exactly. He had sex with his ex when he was in college and they weren’t married or anything. I just feel sad and confused.

No. 152701

I'd be careful with men like that trying to trap you.

No. 152702

he feels this way because he is only seeing the idea of a child through a male perspective, something a lot of emotionally immature and self-centred men do. He's not able to understand the physically, emotional and mental task carrying a child to birth is for a woman.

Honestly imo this is a huge issue to disagree on, and I would absolutely split over it myself. He has basically laid down an ultimatum for you if you get pregnant, why would you want to be with such a selfish guy?

No. 152703

I'm confused that premarital sex is fine with him..I mean he's really picking and choosing which oldschool morals he wants to hold himself to. He can't keep his virginity til marriage but you have to spend twenty years dealing with the consequences of sex… I call bullshit.

You keep any baby of his and he'll either be a deadbeat dad or he'll use it to abuse you. He can't empathise with women. I would bail.

No. 152704

Yeah, and he only was with his ex for a few months too. So he’d be okay with starting a family with someone he’d only known for a few months if she had gotten pregnant? It just sounds crazy to me… he’s asleep right now but I sent him a long message about my concerns. How he responds will matter a lot.

No. 152705

This isn't really one of those things that a couple can disagree on, like say toilet lid down vs up. This is a pretty big deal, I'm curious what else you disagree on and how you can tolerate being with someone with different political beliefs.

No. 152706

Hard agree.

I know you said it isn't a dealbreaker but I'd get out. Since you said you're a virgin I assume you haven't been together for a long time, I'd cut my losses now. There's men with political opinions you agree with.

> He can't keep his virginity til marriage but you have to spend twenty years dealing with the consequences of sex… I call bullshit.

No. 152707

Nta but this reminded me of something I watched on youtube a few months back (wish I had the link to share) A guy who had a rocky relationship with his gf. They were already broken up when she discovered she was pregnant. He went all out begging her to keep the baby and saying he'd raise it alone. They came to that agreement.

She gave birth, moved states to continue with college/career. She sent a cheque every month but kept to the agreement of not being in the kids life. The guy had a part time job and his parents provided free childcare for him. The kid was about 2 1/2 when they filmed this and my god did the man whinge about how he had given up his life. He was one tenth of the way into raising this kid, she did exactly what he requested. He was actually in a better position than alot of single moms that I know (free childcare from nearby and heavily involved grandparents)

I think he somehow expected the mom to change her mind, raise the child and just give him fun weekend visits. He felt very sorry for himself and complained about wanting to date but the baby getting in the way lol

No. 152708

Stay strong, anon. If he’s unwilling to compromise, I’d say it’d be better for you to cut your losses. He doesn’t sound like a caring, empathetic man you should lose your virginity to (and maybe some day have a family with). There’s other men out there, who actually care about their girlfriends’ perspective and wellbeing.

No. 152710

really proud of you for standing your ground and explaining your feelings anon, keep us updated.

No. 152711

Thank you anons, ily

No. 152787

Here’s my dilemma:
My boyfriend thinks he’ll die without me cause I’m “everything he’s ever needed” like straight up manic pixie dream girl, and I kinda want out of the relationship but still need someone to love me at all times. I push all the limits of a relationship, and so we stay in this cycle of passive aggressiveness where I argue with him and then ignore him and he does the same. Then we love bomb each other, never really being happy with being together but hating the idea breaking up and having no one. I don’t need to be told how bad this is and how we NEED to break up. I know. I need advice on how to handle it because it’s gonna put me in the hospital like my last breakup.

No. 152792

Do you have a therapist? If not, maybe get one of those and come up with a safety plan to avoid hospitalization before you break up with him.

No. 152798

Fake your death kek. Be careful with these types even years later they remember their gfs track them down and kill them. Maybe pretend you have a sudden illness that makes you very tired (thyroid issue?), stop feminizing yourself, look like shit, gain weight, you need to make yourself as unappealing as possible so he breaks up with you.

No. 152800

I think she meant that she would end up in the hospital through her own means, not that he would put her there.

No. 152822

Do you have a long term mental health issue? Not trying to be rude or mean when I say this but people who usually end up hospitalised after break ups (who show that as a pattern) tend to be dealing with a personality disorder or some other illness. Were you diagnosed with anything the last time?

No. 152827

>I need advice on how to handle it because it’s gonna put me in the hospital like my last breakup.
What. I don't know how a breakup would get you into a hospital unless your bf is abusive, but to me it sounds like you both are in dire need of therapy.

No. 152845

File: 1601206741923.png (383.02 KB, 439x465, f.png)

Hello, Stacey.
If you're reading this, it once again means you've danced with the devil.
Right now, you're probably thinking, "he's going to change, we'll be happy together."
But you're only thinking that because he's a monstrous parasite… who entered through your privates and lodged himself in your brain.
So, you have two choices:
1 - Get rid of him and go to the hospital, yes it's going to suck but you're going to be fine, or
2 - Stay with him and things get worse even before you get to the hospital, it's going to suck more

Choose wisely.

Damn it girl…

No. 152878

>it once again means you've danced with the devil.

o rly? She wrote about herself:
>need someone to love me at all times. I push all the limits of a relationship

Meanwhile the other party is, what, codependent? Desperate? At worst guilting her? I think you put on one pair of blinders too many today

No. 152891

Ntayrt but I needed to hear this. My boyfriend is dumping me after 4 years of me bending over backwards to support him financially, emotionally and physically and yet it wasn’t enough for him. I really, really, really fucking tried anons. I love him so much even now. He just doesn’t feel the same. I know that says more about him than it does me but holy shit it hurts. I feel delirious right now it’s so surreal. He said I was perfect, his soulmate. Worst of all I was actually happy to do those things for him, because it was in support of “us” and I just wanted him to be happy. Well now he’s decided he’ll be more happy without me. Honestly there’s a side of me that wants to tell him to fuck off right into a pit of burning oil, poisonous vipers and hypodermic needles, but instead I’ll wish him well and leave the beautiful place we rented together for some cheap shithole.

No. 152912

Anon why are you the one leaving your shared place if he's the one leaving the relationship?

No. 152953

I’m >>152787 back again.
To clarify some stuff: when I mentioned ending up in the hospital, I meant because I am a very emotionally volatile person with BPD (I’m in therapy, I really am trying), but when my last relationship ended 3 years ago, I felt like my life was crumbling around me and I felt a sadness and emptiness that I had never felt before, and it scared the living shit out of me.
I KNOW I am not a healthy person to be in a relationship with all the time, and I have improved a lot in 3 years since my last gf. But my bf now (of 1 year) is definitely just as unstable as I am, but he’s not seeking any treatment for it. He is being a typical bitch boy and bottling his feelings up and expressing them in negative ways. Like telling me I was fat and the ugliest person he’s ever seen and that he hopes I die in a car crash on my way to work. And my dumbass forgave him after this, but swore I’d never let the same thing happen again and I still stand by that.

I’ve been really careful about not being manipulative with him and I can honestly say I feel proud that I’ve been able to make communication work. The messiness of our relationship is really just background when it comes to my real issue of just wanting out but not feeling or being strong enough to be on my own. And leaving someone who has so much of myself to their knowledge.

I posted here just as a means of hearing what anyone could say to me so that I know what next move to make. I’m also really unhappy dating a man now instead of a woman which makes emotional love much more distant, and the love I have for him is more related to my need for a person to call my own.
I don’t want people to think I’m making myself a victim here, but then I’m so sensitive that I’m scared to hear the criticisms if they get just slightly harsher than I allow myself to critic myself. Again, I’ve been in therapy more than half my life, I am, now more than ever, working on myself. But I need to make choices for my future and it is very hard for me to let people go

No. 152956

Im definitely not a victim in this situation. I’m actively working in therapy to rewire the way I think because of my mental illness. My way of thinking is skewed enough that even while I’m typing this, I’m thinking of how you won’t believe me because I have bpd so my genuineness won’t come off as truly genuine because you might perceive what I say we just me being a manipulative bpd fag.
I am definitely part of the problem in staying in my relationship. I’m just kind of hoping someone can tell me something to give me enough confidence and safety to make a decision instead of just standing still like I’ve been doing the past 6 months because I’m scared of my own feelings killing me and I’m scared of my choices killing him. I’m very messy, but I’m not in danger right now. Just lonely and need people.

No. 152958

Ladies, I feel like I'm being paranoid and a BPDchan. It's making me ill.

I broke up with my ex a year ago after I caught him cheating on me, but that stupid fucking Joji album has me thinking about the relationship again? He told me all the time that no one would ever love me like he does and he knew I had severe abandonment issues. He pressured me into sex a lot, and even when I said no or stop or whatever he would keep going and eventually I'd just let him? It was okay sex, it hurt a lot but I came at least once each time. None of my friends liked him and because I'm a dumbass BPDchan I thought they didn't like me (because whenever I was with them, he always hung around me and took up my attention) and he let that happen! I would cry about how no one liked me and he would comfort me and keep me away from them. One night I cried about it to my friend because it was so distressing and he told me that the only reason my friend group avoided me was because he was around all the time. Another friend of mine told me that I was a different person when he was around, as well as telling me that he was a manipulative person a separate time.
I just, I don't know. My mom was in an abusive relationship growing up and she taught me all the warning signs. Why didn't I notice them?
He was so shitty. So shitty. He would never improve as a person even though I begged and begged and sobbed and he'd guilt me and tell me he was trying so hard to be perfect for me and wasn't that good enough? He never listened to me and I felt so fucking trapped.
He bought me an engagement ring and asked me to wear it without actually proposing. And I was a fool and fucking did it.
I looked up signs of emotional abuse earlier today because I dunno, I want validation? None of them lined up with what happened to me which makes me feel like I overreacted the whole time. Previously mentioned close friend said that yeah, it was emotional abuse, but I don't know.

I'm sorry, this turned into a vent/blogpost. It's just a lot to process.

No. 152959

First of all, be a BPD chan all you need to because you’re gonna hear responses whether you like them or not, and it’s best to be honest in the way you’re feeling even if it’s affected by your mental illnesses.

So I have a lot to say, so buckle up. First of all, if someone cheats they have absolutely no room for changing their behavior when it comes to their current choices. He already ruined the relationship he had, he does not deserve your time anymore. However, I understand that letting go after being cheated on is not a simple task, and that’s okay. Listen to me when I say that the things he says about “no one ever loving you like he does” are bullshit to give him the higher ground. He make his fucking bed, and he needs to lie the FUCK down in it.

Next, being pressuring into sex is something I’m familiar with, and it seems to come from toxic men a lot. It doesn’t matter if eventually you gave in and consented, he never respected you saying no in the first place, and that is enough evidence that he’s a shitty human who didn’t really care for you. I don’t say that to be mean, I say that as someone who gets that the majority of men are cucked by their own dicks.

Your friends are right. He’s a shitty human with control over you. You deserve freedom from this asshole.

Just cause the listed signs of emotional abuse don’t line up right now does NOT mean that it’s not happening. It’s very easy to justify behaviors as better than they are because you don’t want to believe it or you’ve been conditioned to think that the abuse you face isn’t real.

I want to validate your abuse, and I recommend therapy. And please find a therapist you actually trust, and be honest with her. It’s saved my life.

No. 152974

>when I mentioned ending up in the hospital, I meant because I am a very emotionally volatile person with BPD (I’m in therapy, I really am trying)
I replied to your first post because I picked up it likely being a BPD thing but I wasn't sure if you were diagnosed and getting treatment.

I can relate, in my first relationship I was a mess. I wasn't diagnosed, I lashed out not knowing why I was so emotional all the time and when I was hospitalised after the break up I got diagnosed. I worked my butt off with years of behavioural therapy and regular therapy.

But in my next relationship that guy ended up being 'emotionally volatile' too. He wasn't diagnosed though so as the recovering BPDer I showed so much self control so as not to lash out or be unreasonable… I didn't want to repeat my past..and he was happy to still make out like he was normal and I wasn't. I think that's a hard lesson in itself. That as a recovering person or someone sho is trying you can still fall into taking the blame because some undiagnosed guy feels it's all too convenient to blame you. The fact that I never raised my voice didn't help, the fact that I stayed calm only meant he blew up more and more. Walking away from undiagnosed unhealthy people seems like the next step in getting better.

Sometimes your self esteem is so low that you think you deserve that, but if you're working hard to improve yourself…don't settle for someone who isn't. And maybe stay single for a good while to just sort your own issues out without distraction.

No. 152995

How do you reconnect with someone who had feelings for you in the not so distant past but is currently seeing someone else? I’m not interested nor capable of being a home wrecker, I just want my compadre back.

No. 153010

Don't. If the past is not so distant you'll probably become a home wrecker whether you like it or not.

No. 153130

We're both leaving. Unfortunately we rented it together and it's not a place I can afford on my own so I have to downsize. He also started threatening suicide and told me I should kill myself after he was done, so uh… bullet dodged? Literally? It's definitely for the best for both of us, but holy shit did things go nuclear.

To all the BPD-chans currently in therapy - you all are amazing! My now ex has BPD and has never once willingly stepped foot into a therapist's office despite me repeatedly asking him to do so. Even after he was emotionally abusive and splitting on me and I gently told him he was hurting me. If he had been willing to do so, maybe he wouldn't be imploding our relationship right now. It's super admirable and responsible for you all to be working hard to address your struggles so both you and potential partners will be healthier. I understand, at least tangentially, how very difficult it is. I wish my ex had done the same, and I still hope he might get better someday because I know it hurts him too. I tried to help him as best I could but in the end he has to want to help himself.

No. 153318

id stay far away from men with bpd. women with bpd r usually clingy and have a short temper. almost every bpd male ive heard of was an abuser, except one friend i had a few years back who was in therapy.
im sorry this happened, i always feel so bad when people talk about their experience with bpd-chans, shits so normal in my head until i realize it isnt.

No. 153321

File: 1601429384629.jpg (161.99 KB, 1500x1101, 1e335253930d45a184059b9f60995f…)

Anons, I was in an awful hellish relationship with an entitled narc scrote who used and abused me but after the breakup I got a little revenge:

Pissed and shat on his clothes and rubbed it in so it's not noticeably visible, allowed it to dry outside via on the washing rack so when he sees them he'll think they're washed and wear them. The air will also weaken the smell so he won't know but he'll still be wearing my shit and piss

Cut up some of his clothes and cut holes in his underwear where his asshole would be

Cut into all his shoes (very unnoticable) so when he puts them on when it's raining his feet will be soaked, damp and cold

Mixed bleach in the remaining liquid detergent (half and half) so when he goes to use it, his clothes will be fucked lol

Pissed on his baseball cap so he'll put it on without knowing and essentially have my piss on his head

And left everything for him to clean up; The toilet is a mess, he can scrub my shit off the toilet, he can wash all the dishes I used, he can throw out all the garbage and clean up and pick up after me for once.

Then I simply left and went back home and he has no idea where I am because I never gave him that information.

I did this for myself and all the girls out there who been treated like shit and anyone abused. This is for you. And yes I am proud of doing this, it made me feel good and gave me many good laughs.

No. 153323

Based! I hope your life gets better after leaving this relationship, you go anon lol

No. 153326

Anon wtf. I’m sorry your relationship sucked, but peeing and shitting on someone’s stuff ain’t it.

No. 153327

I’m disgusted yet proud

No. 153330

I don't believe a word of this post, but it made me laugh. Thanks for that.

No. 153349

Hard agree with this. My experience with dating a man with BPD was that he cheated on me and then physically abused me when I'd try to talk about it. He would become so emotional that he would be out of control and not in the same way a woman would. It was the equivalent of an overgrown toddler slamming things around and not checking their strength. He also would do a lot of trademark bpd things like emotional abuse but the fact it would also translate into terrible physical assaults (I'm set to have spinal surgery later this year because of him) is what makes men with BPD truly terrifying. Don't give these guys the time of day. They don't want help, they think nothing is wrong with them, they won't ever change.

No. 153350

Been with partner 7 years, but I’m still inexplicably scared to tell him I might be pregnant and need to take a test. He wouldn’t hurt me or anything or I’d be gone already, we just didn’t plan this. It feels embarrassing, like I’m being a hypochondriac. What do I do

No. 153351

Take the test without him so you don't need to stress about telling him unless you have to.

No. 153352

I know I should but I’m scared and I want him there lmao. Pathetic I know. Scared to pee on a stick.

No. 153353

Nta but just do it asap so you can relieve yourself from the stress and fear if it comes back negative. And it's absolutely not embarrassing, being pregnant is a completely justified fear.

No. 153368

Anon being afraid of pregnancy is so normal. I had to take a pregnancy test this time last year, and it was the scariest thing. Waiting for that result is the longest minute of your life but at least you know and can hopefully move from there.

You obviously know he’ll be supportive if you want to do it with him, and I also waited for my bf to get home before taking mine just so I could cry at him and make him make the calls for me. Do it with him, but do it soon. The longer you wait the more it eats you up inside.
Good luck and I hope you’re happy with the results either way, or if not, can handle them at least!!

No. 153372

Wishing you luck anon, you're certainly not the first woman to freeze up when it comes to this! It's very understandable.

Hope you face it soon and that whatever the result is.. you can find a plan.

No. 153374

I know I'm being dramatic and silly and no I'm not 12 but I really need help because I get really sad and frustrated even when I know it's stupid
I'm overly emotional like I get upset easily and care too much about everything, I think it's a combination of mental health issues and the pill because when I wasn't on the pill I didn't get upset as easily. Now I have a bf and it's.. I feel jealous when he does stuff with friends for different reasons like 1 I have no friends and keep talking to new people but just can't find any I click with. 2 I feel jealous of his friends because I want my bf to do things with me instead and I feel like it's not special anymore if he does things with his friends first and then later with me like the first time you do something is always the most special and I want to share that with him but so far we haven't had any of those special first time experiences yet at all.. He can do stuff with his friends but I feel like I'm not special or important and I come second like he doesn't even spend time with his friends that often but I still feel this way especially when he does stuff he hasn't done yet with friends for the first time and not me
I told him hoping he would make me feel better about it but it didn't go well because he's difficult to talk to so here I am

No. 153427

This isn't exactly the type of question that would normally get posted in these threads but I'm hoping some people with more experience than me could give me some advice.
I turned 24 this past week and I haven't been in a relationship since I was 21, nor had sex since then or had any kind of partner. It was my one and only proper relationship and I lost my virginity to him, and we lasted less than 6 months before I found out he cheated on me in a totally disturbing way, making me get trust issues and not want to be in a relationship. I'm still in university, I have about 2 more years, so I'm starting to seriously think about what the fuck I'm going to do once I graduate. I always thought I'd be married by the time I'm 30 (at most!) and now I'm starting to think even that won't happen.
Basically my question is, how do I go about finding a guy to date online? I have never been into the prospect of e-dating or LDR. However, I live in Europe, and dating out of country here isn't that weird I guess. And it would be extremely rare for me to find a man I actually like in my own country. I don't know where to look, and I'm not a femcel or desperate, I just easily put myself into this situation where I can go years without intimacy until I really start to feel lonely. I haven't even spoken to most of my friends since the stupid virus started because I'm so paranoid about contracting it and giving it to my family, so it's just easier to cut off contact with them.
I don't know if this sounds more like a rant than an explanation, but to reiterate, I'm looking for advice on where to find men online, say I have a thing for Scandinavian dudes for example, where would I go about finding them without Tinder and all that shit because I'm not looking for a fuck. I've tried Instagram but there's just too much to weed out and it seems mostly women geotag their photos.

No. 153433

I haven't tried any other dating sites but I've used tinder and met guys from there for dates. I'm not going to lie to you. Each guy I actually met with did expect sex after a few dates. There were some guys I was speaking to on the app and got their number that did seem a lot more interested in taking it slow and get to know them. The good thing about apps like that is you can see who's single local to you and you don't have to actually meet anyone if you don't want too.

No. 153438

You are being needy and you need to stop it and get over yourself

No. 153444

>The good thing about apps like that is you can see who's single local to you and you don't have to actually meet anyone if you don't want too
True, I've never made a proper profile anywhere and just use them to swipe through and get a feel for who's ready to flamingo.

No. 153454

I don't think you're overly emotional. I think you have unmet emotional needs, and they're spilling over into your relationship. Most likely this guy you're dating is actually just triggering worse feelings because he's emotionally unavailable and, as you say "difficult to talk to." I do think you need to seek therapy and work through some of these issues, but just know that the way you feel isn't your fault. These feelings don't come from nowhere, and are often a result of a neglectful/abusive upbringing. Unfortunately, we tend to seek out partners who remind us of our parents as a way to "fix" the trauma, but it almost never works out that way.

If you've tried communicating this with your boyfriend and it hasn't helped, you guys probably aren't a good match, I'm sorry to say. Not that he's necessarily responsible for your feelings, but it's normal to seek reassurance from our partners, and they should be able to reciprocate. Good partners will help soothe us when we're feeling bad, but will also encourage us to be more independent if we're getting to the point that we're being "clingy."

No. 153466

I´m taking the challenge from the last thread and breaking up with my bf. It probably won't happen until next week, but I´m realizing more and more how much time, effort and energy I´ve drained into this black hole of a lazy, useless person. I made a pro/con list about him today and the only pro-thing I could come up with was that he's kind. Which is like, the bare minimal for anyone to be. The sex is boring, he is boring and he literally doesn't do anything with his time or life, except complain. I'll never be in a relationship again, unless it's with a girl.

No. 153491

well, I don't know your story but good for you. I think women definitely too often settle for bare minimum and stay with basic uninspiring men that give them nothing but drag them down during life. Good luck.

No. 153495

Don't give up hope about men from your own country. I was only into Mediterranean guys (scandinavian here), or so I thought, until I met my current bf who's from my own country. Turns out I just like short guys lmfao.

And dating within your own country makes it so much easier. Just find a discord chat related to your hobby that's in your language. Don't go on there with the prospect of dating but just to meet men and make friends. Don't get attached to or give too much attention to the guys that give you a lot of attention as long as you haven't seen a face pic. Be wary of discord gamers and don't try to date someone who's online 24/7, even if your life may look like that currently.

That or local facebook groups. I've made friends through plant swaps and a vegan group but it's mostly girls.

No. 153497

This gives me hope. Glad to hear things worked out for you, but I really am not attracted to guys from my own country on a personality level foremost and then looks lmfao. Our situations are reversed, I'm from a sort of Mediterranean county into Scandi guys.
Do you think it's possible to meet mostly normal guys on Discord? Seems like a good option but I'm so wary of incels, actual misogynists, etc.

No. 153498

It's possible, just harder than it would be through a normal dating app or IRL. Your standards should be very high. Alcoholism or daily weed use should be an instant dealbreaker and a good/ambitious job a requirement. At 24 you shouldn't be dating college guys anymore (especially not if they're from Scandinavia) unless they're doing a PhD. If you're in a server and the culture seems edgy or misogynistic just leave and find a new one.

And be wary of gamers. Can't repeat that enough lol.

No. 153499

quick addition that meeting a college guy IRL is not necessarily bad. But a college guy who spends time on Discord servers (instead of having an active irl social life) should be a dealbreaker.

No. 153502

>And be wary of gamers. Can't repeat that enough lol.
My attraction to streamers is kicking me in the head right now. Why are some gamers so cute

No. 153515

my boyfriend is vile and cruel. he’s going to kill me if i don’t leave. but i love him.

No. 153520

>And be wary of gamers. Can't repeat that enough lol.
IDK if this is what you meant, but I'd specify that as : be wary of men who identify as gamers. Just playing video games is fine, majority of people do that nowadays. But if it's so major it's the first thing they'd say about themselves, definitely bad sign.

No. 153590

Girls help, I'm going crazy.
How do I tell my gf she is way, WAY too clingy?
She literally can't go a week without telling me how much she misses me (we live 40 mins away and see each other every weekend) and you may think that's normal.. but she cries. At least she tells me she does.
And oh god, right now the situation is that she's visiting tonight, but she literally cannot wait ONE HOUR LONGER for the later train, cause she would miss me so much (I wanted her to get the later one so that she could have dinner beforehand).
I'm not like this at all, most my friendships are online so im extremely used to distance.. I'm fine with seeing each other only in the weekends for the time being, but she mentally cannot do it and just cries over how much she loves me and misses me.. and it's making me uncomfortable.
She also wants to come live in my city even tho it would mean 2 hours everyday to get to work and back for her, and she doesn't even want to hear my reasons cause she just wants to be close to me.

Is there a way to tell her to chill?? I literally feel like she will just tell me she can't do anything about it cause she loves me so much.

We been together for 5 months btw.

No. 153591

This is a tough one, anon. You definitely need to talk to her about it, because it seems like you're already starting to resent her behaviour and you've only been dating for 5 months. It will probably make her sad (or even lash out at you) and feel misunderstood, but it's a conversation that absolutely needs to happen. Try to be as nice and understanding as possible when you're telling her this, but don't budge. If she really loves and trusts you, she will understand and respect your wishes, no matter how insecure she is.

Ultimately, I think your girlfriend has some issues; she sounds like she has anxiety, insecurity, fear of abandonment and issues with being alone and she needs to be made aware of that. Does she have a therapist?

No. 153593

samefag; maybe something like "gf, I love you a lot, you mean the world to me and I enjoy spending time with you. Please keep in mind, though, that I also like spending time alone once in a while. I've been feeling pressured and somewhat guilty lately, because you've been wanting to spend so much time with me and you told me that you've been crying over having to wait until the weekend to hang out. I miss you too but I also enjoy having some alone time and I don't mind waiting for something good. I feel like you might have some fear of abandoment/being alone and I can assure you that I'm here for you and that I'll still be here when the weekend comes around, and the one after that and the one after that. I hope you can respect my standpoint and if there's anything you'd like to ask or talk about regarding this, please do."
This is just an idea for what you could write/say to her. (I'm ESL and I'm definitely not a psychologist but maybe this can serve as an inspiration anyway.) Good luck, anon!

No. 153599

Thank you anon, I'll take into consideration the way you worded it for sure. I really don't want to hurt her.. cause it seems as it's all I do when I do bring issues up (like about how she wants to move here, she said it sounds like I want to break up with her if I don't want her to live here)
I feel like she misinterprets a lot of things I say cause I'm the first person she is in a relationship with that isn't a yes-man. We talked about it and when she was dating men they would never discuss things through with her, and would just do whatever she wanted.
I love her, love spending time with her. She's great. I just wish she wasn't making ME the whole center of her universe.
And no, she doesn't have a therapist. We did discuss that in correlation to other issues she should start seeing one, but she doesn't even seem to understand how therapy works. I told her that maybe her being sad often is something she should bring up in therapy when she goes, and she told me "oh the therapy would be for my anger issues not sadness" I had to explain to her therapy is about all of her, not just one part.. She's 21, just seems a bit naive sometimes.

No. 153603

Does anyone have a partner with completely different political beliefs? My bf is a Trump supporter and, especially after seeing the debate, I can’t comprehend why.

No. 153604

How does that even happen? I mean, if someone had completely opposite views from mine I don't think I would ever consider dating them.

No. 153605

A guy I was going to date (we were practically dating just without the label bc we were testing waters) was a proper conservative, loved piers morgan, sucked Boris johnson off, bit racist etc and it didn't work out because of that.

No. 153608

I've been dating this guy for a couple of weeks now and everything is going well…
Except his ex of 2 years was like a complete hottie and he had a really hard time getting over her. I have common friends with and I know that even one year after the relationship ended he was still thinking about her.
I know she has a boyfriend now, and that she's in love with him, so i'm not afraid that she'll come back, but I'm really afraid not to be as good and as loved as her
How do I overcome that? I can't stop thinking about her and I'm afraid I'll damage my relationship with him because of that

No. 153666

It's not up to you to overcome that, it's up to your boyfriend to not talk about his ex so much in that manner that you think that's even a possibility.

No. 153670

She never said he talks about his ex.

No. 153678

>I know that even one year after the relationship ended he was still thinking about her.
I'm sure she gleaned that with her mind reading powers.
>I have common friends
He talks about it with his friends and she hears it from the grapevine. Hence, he talks about his ex.

No. 153681

I think I ruined my relationship over a load of laundry. Recently I've been low on money and so has my live-in boyfriend so we started doing laundry at his parents house to save money. I don't go with him, he does both of our laundry for us since I don't really like hanging out at his home. Without going into details I just feel really uncomfortable over there, it's a big family and I'm trying to stay away from people because I have an auto-immune disorder and am trying to avoid getting covid. Anyway, last time he did laundry he washed all of my clothes on warm and now ALL of my laundry is blue because he didn't separate colors. It was a full load, too. I asked him what happened, did he put his new jeans in with mine? Did he put in his tie-dye shirt? Eventually I needled out he didn't use cold even though I never wash my clothes with warm and he knows it. He basically denied it happened and I nagged him until I found out what happened – I wanted to know so we could prevent it happening again. Eventually after 10 minutes I started raising my voice which led to me screaming and yelling like a psycho about how hundreds of dollars worth of my clothes are ruined and why isn't he even apologizing? As deserved he told me to do my own fucking laundry, but I'm still so fucking pissed.

This man is almost 30 years old, how does he not know that colors need to be separated or on cold? I fucking taught him how to do laundry because I was sick of always being the one to do it.

He went to stay with his parents for the weekend and told me to move out which of course he took back the second he got there. I don't really know what advice I want, I think I'm definitely in the wrong but like why didn't he immediately say, "oh shit I'm sorry I ruined your clothes" or even at least admit he fucked up? How can he ever learn from his mistakes if he doesn't admit he did them? Also last night I found melted butter all over the stove top and under the burners because he cooked. I had to clean the stove and burn off the butter and the house was filled with smoke. This is a man who doesn't know how to cook but is trying to learn. I feel so sick of being his mommy, like I encourage him, wow honey thanks so much for cleaning! but then later I have to just go back and do everything again because he did it as well as a child would. No one ever made him do chores or cooking or his own laundry before he moved in with me. I'm so exhausted mentally but other than those things I do really love him a lot and I think he loves me. It's just like what do I do when he's so slow to catch up to adulthood? We've been living together almost 2 years and he STILL can't competently clean up his messes. I feel like it's turning me into a misandrist and an asshole because I often find myself thinking "how can you be so stupid and spoiled!" I feel ungrateful because he is trying but it's putting me on edge so much. Also I'm starting a new birth control and it's giving me terrible mood swings and he won't cut me any slack if I act cunty. Idk. Sorry for the long rant.

No. 153683

No he don't talk about her at all actually, he mentioned her only when we talked about our ex-relationships
I have common friends with the girl, it's my friends who told me how popular and hot she is, and that he talked to her before we started dating.

No. 153688

Do you have any other reason to feel like you can't trust your bf other than being insecure about his ex?

No. 153693

Fair enough if he wasn't raised to do chores, but if he hasn't improved in two years he can't clean up after himself, he's either mentally disabled or not actually

Do some reading about emotional labor, anon. This feeling like his mommy thing isn't going to go away, you'll just build resentment and end up hating him, and hating yourself for hating him.

No. 153694

No, he's being super sweet and respectful with me. He's also kinda shy and didn't had that much sexual partners which i appreciate. But I don't know him since a very long time and i'm so afraid of being hurt. He's really good-looking and a lot of girls are interested so I'm afraid because I don't feel like I'm as good as he seems to believe I am.
I'm extremely insecure, and men in the past have always lied to me, used me as a sexual object and played with my feelings. So I'm not used to have someone being that nice with me and it really scares me
Honestly I realize that this isn't even the good thread to post in, but i'm so scared to shit about this relationship that i need to vent.
sorry for my bad english

No. 153695

I don't think you are even in the wrong. You're right if he's nearly 30 he should either know this stuff already or be a big enough person to simply apologise for ruining your clothes… both lessons he should've learnt before ever moving out of his parents. If you damage peoples belongings you at the very least say sorry but usually replace it too. You said money is tight but saying sorry costs nothing!

>As deserved he told me to do my own fucking laundry

How do you feel like that was deserved? You already said he barely cleans anything or he messes things up so you still need to go back over it.. the solution is always you doing more work and him not. Convenient lol
>He went to stay with his parents for the weekend and told me to move out
>How can he ever learn from his mistakes if he doesn't admit he did them?
Girl the red flags right here, I don't think you're just hormonal. I'm kind of pissed that you're blaming yourself or your hormones when dealing with this shit. He approaching 30? This behaviour won't change.

No. 153701

What did you guys do for your 1st year anniversary with your s/o? Mine and my bf's is coming up this month and I'm completely lost. We live an hour and a half apart atm and COVID's thrown a wrench in things.

No. 153707

Even when it wasn't the COVID era we didn't actually do anything outside of the house lol. Mostly because it was the middle of the week and neither of us could get extra time off. We made each other dinner (swapped meals, basically) at home, drank some wine, gave each other presents, watched a new movie we rented on Amazon and then had sex several times.

If you want to do something outside the house, can you guys go on a road trip somewhere fairly close? Like a nearby city you haven't been to or a fancy hotel where you can get spa treatments and shit? I've noticed some places opening back up and I'm in a hot spot (west coast of USA).

No. 153708

dude is nearly 30 years old, can't wash clothes, and making you go on birth control so he doesn't knock you up? lol girl…

No. 153747

Thank you! It all went according to plan and I´ve been feeling so free and full of new life since, kek

No. 153793

Ive been with my gf for 3 weeks now and she said it feels like months. According to her its positive but Im quite offended… Am I boring her already? Does she take me for granted? Idk what to think and what to do make our rs more exciting

No. 153795

File: 1601753588987.jpeg (314.58 KB, 2048x1526, EjPk5I2VgAI6A0b.jpeg)

There's this one cute guy I've been seeing for a couple of months, but some things about him really bother me. Idk if the relationship is worth saving (keep in mind he is VERY cute and nice most of the time).
>lives with his mom, works minimum wage job, college dropout (to be fair he is 24)
>doesn't know how to do any basic chores
>gets angry really easily, but also calms down fast
>keeps a bowl of dirty tissues on his desk… never cleaned them up when i was visiting him
>never asked me out on a proper dinner date, constantly asks me if i wanna hang out at his place, or if he can visit me
>washes his hair like once a week… and his hair is rlly greasy
>i've noticed he already started balding a little
Besides that, he is 100% my type physically which is rare (he has a rlly cute face and is skinny). And he is nice most of the time. He smells nice. Has a very cute cat. I don't know, I kinda like him, but he can be a little annoying sometimes.

No. 153808

Dirty tissues… in a bowl?

No. 153811

Drop him and date a man with aspergers

No. 153812

Why bother with birth control, you already are a mother of one. The dude can't even do laundry, or worse, apologize for ruining it? What a weirdo.

No. 153813

Yes anon. And it's transparent.

Guys with Aspergers are always overweight and they have ugly faces.

No. 153814

Hygiene is important long term, you want to set standards to what's acceptable for you. Maybe he's self conscious about his hair balding so doesn't want to rough it up washing or whatever. Could he be cute bald lol?

No. 153818

That doesn't seem worth it. Essentially the only thing that would be holding your relationship together for him is his looks and well good looks don't last forever. Also imo getting really angry easy is a red flag in my books even if he is apperently quick to calm down. You do you though, good luck.

No. 153820

My boyfriend is a sweetheart and I love him. We've only been dating for like a month and things have been swell for the most part. One problem though is that he is quite emotional. He doesn't like to address it though because he finds it to be embarrassing. He likes to put up this tough guy act and because of this it's hard to tell him about things he does that bother me. A couple of times when we got into small arguments that were really stupid. I brought a couple of stupid little things up without thinking they would upset him. He cried both times and even resented me a bit after the first one and holy shit I feel like a really shitty girlfriend. I just leave things that bother me alone and I dont bring them up to avoid making him unhappy. He does this thing where he complains a whole lot about something he doesnt like and I will usually stop doing that thing because obviously I dont wanna see my boyfriend upset and I also just dont wanna hear any nagging at times…But them he'll get upset because I got rid of or stopped doing the thing he didn't like because it feels to him like Im coddling him but I dont know what else Im supposed to do,Like gee man i dont know. Sometimes I dont know how I'm supposed to treat him. Otherwise its great but how am I supposed to make sure he keeps happy with me. I'm used to taking on the more masculine role in relationships,I've only really dated 2 men in my life time. I'm really not a pro when it comes to dealing with male sensitivities and being careful about them. Ive dated sensitive girls but I cant treat him the same way as an upset gf,you know? I just wanna make him as happy as I can

No. 153821

No it just feels like its been a long time. If she says its a good thing then trust her. Its a good thing.

No. 153823

After a month you shouldn't be having so many arguments

No. 153826


I talked to a friend and apparently arguing a bit early into a relationship is pretty normal. I definitely dont think we're gonna break up anytime soon. i've just been trying to pay attention to what pushes his buttons

No. 153831

I agree with >>153823
the arguments are only going to happen more often/get worse if you're having them so soon. This is supposed to be the honey moon phase of your relationship after all. He honestly sounds exhausting to deal with and I feel like after a while you're going to get fed up with him not dealing with his emotions in a healthy and mature manner.

No. 153838

Do you think I should talk to him about how I actually feel? I just am scared that he'll think I'm mad at him or something but maybe it would be a good idea to bring it up and get it out of the way for our sake. Thanks,Anon! I hope it goes well.

No. 153846

Erm, no. Sorry but that friend’s advice is bullshit. Some arguing in any relationship is fine, but it’s HOW you argue that determines whether your relationship is healthy or toxic. It’s fine for a man (or anyone) to be sensitive, but the correct response would be him saying, “Hey, xyz makes me uncomfortable and I tend to overreact a bit, would you mind avoiding that topic? Thanks!” Not ranting and nagging you into submission then complaining when you actually stop the behavior that affects him. He sounds like a man child at best and a BPD-chan at worst (I’m serious, and if he’s untreated that is a huge deal and something you are unlikely to be prepared for). Also…

> I just leave things that bother me alone and I dont bring them up to avoid making him unhappy.

HUGE red flag. You are unable to communicate about your own issues within the relationship because you don’t feel safe and comfortable enough to do so. While you’re damned if you do damned if you don’t for addressing his issues. This is not normal or healthy behavior anon, and it’s been a single fucking month. He is showing you his ass, don’t ignore the massive warning signs and either nip this in the bud now or get out.

No. 153847

There's bumps in the road, but there's also red flags.

No. 153894

we went camping, it was fun

No. 154039

What do you think of a guy that has a girlfriend but he starts to like you? What if he breaks up with her for you? What would you think of a situation like that and what would you think of him?

No. 154041

How did the guy and not his girlfriend develop feelings for each other? Seemingly you wouldn't leave a girlfriend for a crush, there'd have to be some groundwork laid.

No. 154045

This isn't enough context for any of us to give you an adequate response to this, anon. Knowing more details about the stability of his relationship with his gf, how long they've been together, etc, would help.

No. 154048

They started talking online (live in the same city) and playing games together online.
Guy and his girlfriend have been together 3 months, don't know any intimate details about the relationship.

No. 154049

So they're long distance? Have they ever been together physically? Are you in physical contact with this guy or also online?

No. 154052

If yous have only spoke online and he wants to leave his gf of 3 months for you that's fair enough.

No. 154057

Idk anon, I feel like if a guy is ready to ditch his girlfriend after only 3 months of dating for someone else, then he might ditch you later in the same manner. Do you want it?

No. 154063

Guy and his gf are not long distance, all 3 of them live close to each other.
It's not got to do with me rather two of the people involved are my friends and I just wanted to hear opinions because I've been in a similar situation before and I was in the place of the guy, that's how I met my current bf so yeah.

No. 154067

Agree with this.

No. 154081

This shit happened to me before and it was VERY awkward. Met a guy online while playing FPS and we started chatting on discord daily, also playing with his friends. We kept talking for six months and never videocalled each other even tho he asked for it once. Basically he started talking less and less about his gf until confessing he had feelings for me but felt guilty about it. They were together for 5 years. I rejected him and he even cried over it. It's kinda baffling tbh, chatting with him was awesome but I'd never ditch a five year relationship for someone I've never seen in rl

No. 154202

File: 1602038995899.jpg (51.42 KB, 421x507, 234235346.JPG)

how do i feel less shit about having been the one who dumped all of my exes? i just kind of left a trail of exes because i used to be quick to date someone, then realized there's no way we could spend our lives together

i've received so many angry messages from exes in the past, and a couple keep sending me flowers–probably a lame attempt at wooing me back–and all of it combined makes me feel like a bad person

No. 154206

If you knew you had no future together with them, then it was a right thing to break it off. You didn't use them - it's not like they got nothing in return. So if they can't get over a break up like adults it's on them and not on you

No. 154228

I don't think there's much use in feeling bad about things you've done in the past, although I know that's easier said than done. I think it would be better for you to focus on really getting to know someone before jumping into a romantic relationship with them, so that maybe you can avoid this in the future.

No. 154542

File: 1602253956859.jpeg (91.21 KB, 736x736, FA1D2C05-D4A2-468C-88CD-EADDB2…)

How should I proceed with having a boyfriend who has no personality? His attitude is pretty good, he doesn’t act like the typical guy who’s severely lacking in empathy but it drives me mad that he almost never talks about himself nor his personal life. We only talk about our hobbies which made our relationship have barely any problems nor arguments. I usually find personal family topics from his oversharing sister, it feels pretty awful that he doesn’t really share any family news but I guess thats just me being noisy.

I feel like I landed a great relationship but I feel so greedy that I want a guy where I could hold a conversation with besides my hobbies and have a deeper personal connection with life. We’ve been dating 3 years online and have met each other a handful of times before the pandemic. He’s pretty nice and has no red flags, should I just suck it up and realize I won’t get anyone better? I always hear stories on here with anons having the worse relationships ever and I just feel really greedy that I want a guy who could open up to me… I’m not even sure what a relationship means to me as well. Maybe I should be content with having a partner who unconditionally loves me and supports me.

No. 154548

Reading your post and feeling like, hm, this is odd but then I've finally reached the core problem
>We’ve been dating 3 years online and have met each other a handful of times before the pandemic.
No matter how much you want it, "dating online" doesn't even come close to the intimacy you build in a relationship in which you see each other in person often / on the daily basis. There's no way to really reproduce that. I'm sure you could build more intimacy and space for openness in a few weeks/months you'd spend together in person than you already did during these 3 years. If you believe in this relationship it has to stop being long distance. If neither of you is willing to close the distance though, you'll not achieve anything more.

No. 154549

my boyfriend is a very sick man, and all my family and friends think he's evil, but i think he's just a tortured person who needs love and care.

our relationship is largely characterised by the following issues

>he blocks me for extended periods of time, usually following a breakup, and tells me it's over

>we get back together after about 3 months or so of being blocked by him
>he has a weird friendship with his ex, she simps for him& comments shit like 'i love you' on all his statuses and constantly talks shit about me, makes theories about me, as though she doesnt have her own life
>he will tell me during these blocking periods that he does not love me and never did

i recently visited him in a foreign country and when i got back, he blocked me for exposing our relationship which he was trying to keep secret.

when i went to visit him, he begged me to stay and asked me to quit my job to stay with him. his cousin also told me he seemed much happier with me there.

i dont know what to do. his mum knows him very well and says his 'i dont love you/i was just lonely' is bullshit.

like i said, he is very mentally ill. i dont know what to do. every time he blocks me, i cry my eyes out for weeks until he gets back in touch with me, it's a cycle.

i am physically unable to walk away from him despite everyone telling me to.

No. 154551

You can’t help or fix him. That’s not a problem with you, that’s just how he is. Do you want to be in this cycle for the rest of your life?

No. 154552

>he begged me to stay and asked me to quit my job to stay with him
Yeah don't do that, he's trying to trap you. You're going to be completely dependent on him and his moodswings, that's not gonna be great next time he's going through one of his "I never loved you" phases.

> i dont know what to do

He needs professional help and perhaps you do too.

I think you know very well you need to leave this man, you just don't want to face it. But for the love of god, whatever you do, don't quit your job to stay with him.

No. 154553

Excuse me but are you fucking stupid

No. 154554

your boyfriend is an abusive cunt, love yourself and leave his sorry ass

No. 154555

if that's what it costs to be with the man i love, then yes.

No. 154556


so? he has a mental illness and doesn't realise he's being abusive. he just needs love. he has no one else.



No. 154557

You do realise this is a relationship advice thread, right? You already sound decided on being stuck in this abusive relationship. If that's what you want, then it's your own prerogative. All I can say is get some therapy, anon.

No. 154561

Wow I really can't believe that idea flew pass me, thank you anon. I'm consider settling down with him, this made me realize that he's the one who's always putting an effort to visit me, I barely go a mile for him.

No. 154562

Here's some advice anon: If you truly love this man, you will leave him. Because right now you are codependent and enabling his poor behavior which is not only harming you, but him.

I believe love is kindness, passion and a choice. It is the choice that you are going to do the best you possibly can for that person because you want them to be happy and healthy, even if it means letting them go. When someone asked if the cycle of breaking up/getting back together would be acceptable for the rest of your life, you said -

>if that's what it costs to be with the man i love, then yes.

You are fucking selfish. This isn't love, it's obsession and dependency. If you really wanted to help him, you would tell him to seek a mental health professional to address his problems that you cannot solve for him. You would then maintain that boundary because it would show him there are real consequences for being a shithead rather than knowing he can keep getting you back by engaging in the same flippant, destructive behavior he always has. You are part of the problem.

If you ever had or have a drop of real affection for this person, tell him to get help, get counseling for yourself as well, and work on developing some real self love rather than attempting to force an ill man to fill the wound in your incomplete heart.

No. 154565

pickmes like you are the reason men get away with being the scum of this earth, stay with him so he's out of the market and can't fuck up other women. also, "muh mento ilnes" is not an excuse for being an asshole

No. 154566


well said, anon

i suppose i know what i must do. i miss him so fucking much tho

No. 154572

Fingers crossed things works out for you two then! Honestly it's so sweet you've managed to keep this relationship going for so many years despite it being mostly LDR, I'm rooting for you

No. 154578

File: 1602270372230.jpeg (4.96 KB, 163x310, download (1).jpeg)

I'm anxious and worried that my bf has no motivation for wanting to take on higher responsibilities at his job in order to make more money because he's comfortable where he is.
For the record he makes $19/hr, so I'm not being a golddigger I'm just trying to avoid poverty. I've asked him before if he'd try to apply to be a higher paid supervisor or manager but he said he didn't want to because he would not be able to spend as much time with me and he'd have way more work which would stress him out.

He said he wants a house and family with me but like…if he doesn't want to make more money it's only going to increase my burden if I choose to reproduce because it means I will have to work doubly hard. I will have to work throughout pregnancy up until I pop, post partum, and all throughout my child's life. I believe he would step up in some ways, but I am under no delusion that I wouldn't be in charge of the majority of parenting and household management–and on top of my own work–that sounds like a nightmare. I read posts on r/breakingmom and so many women are in those depressingly hopeless situations. I don't make much more than he does, but between us both he is more likely to be chosen for managerial positions that will pay more (on the grounds that he is a male–which is another heartbreaking topic) I've just come to accept that because I'm a short woman who still looks young that I will never be taken seriously at the workplace despite my degrees and experiences and effort. So far, I'm not wrong. The least I can say about my job is that it isn't stressful either but I get zero benefits. The difference is I can do relatively little about it besides keep rolling dice and having to start over someplace else. Meanwhile he can be promoted if only he'd want it.

I can understand the value of not being stressed at work and being complacent where one is, but he needs to make more money.
I'm not saying I never want to work again but ideally I would like to be a SAHM up until my children are school aged so at least I can be more involved with them in the ways my own parents never were. Daycare is so expensive to boot that it would pretty much negate my income anyway even if I bucked up and tried to juggle that. I hate to sound mercenary but I know from my own childhood experience that parents who are constantly low on money often don't make the best decisions for their kids, or that they can't due to it.

What can I do to make him understand that if he's serious about these things that he will need to sacrifice his comfort?
The only way I can think to make him see the light is presenting a fake budget as if we were married with a mortgage and kids. I want to lay out all of our debts and emphasis how even if nothing were to happen to us, that our collective $40/hr income would be just scraping by.

No. 154579

> he just needs love.
No he doesn't. He needs professional help. Your 'love' is enabling him to remain sick.

No. 154581

It sounds like he's been with other women and that's why they post I love you on his fb and got mad at you for saying you were together. His mum probably thinks he does no wrong and you shouldn't listen to her she raised the abusive cunt.

No. 154583

Stop playing into her fucking delusions, this is a real person's life

No. 154586

Idk anon, I'm sorry for the position you're in but this sounds like so much work and effort on your part. You shouldn't have to create a complete imaginary budget for this guy to face reality. For him to not even remotely see things as they are, but still want to take on the huge physical, emotional and financial burden of having kids is just… delusional.

I mean, you could make the budget. At least then you could say you tried to show him the light. But from the way he's talking it sounds like he just wants to coast by in life and enjoy all the benefits of kids without doing any of the actual work. You do NOT want to be the one taking on all those responsibilities yourself, as you say. You'll be better off finding someone who understands all the positives and stresses that having kids entails, and who is already in a position to provide more. Sometimes you can love someone but sadly it's not enough.

No. 154591

>i am physically unable to walk away from him despite everyone telling me to.
You're clearly not 'physically unable', and the longer you use language like this the more trapped you'll be.

>doesn't realise he's being abusive
But he realises he can treat you however he wants and you'll let him do it.
>he just needs love
Then why has all the love you've poured into him not worked?

Also, everything you find sad and pathetic about his ex's behaviour is you. You and his ex are acting the the same. Every time he has you blocked, he's in a relationship with her, that's why he was angry for 'exposing' him. You might not even be his favourite girlfriend.

I don't really give a fuck about you, I don't know you, but you came into a relationship advice thread to show off about your very clearly awful boyfriend and have been hostile to every reply. Get well soon I guess.
Everyone else give thanks you're not this person.

No. 154600

should education be a dealbreaker in a relationship?

I'm in the process of getting two bachelor's degrees and am planning to get further education as well. my bf wants to stop after his associates. I love him- he treats me well, is consistent with his behavior, pays on dates, treats me the same around his friends, opens doors/pulls out chairs, puts effort into seeing me, and continued to pursue me even though dating me was not convenient due to my strict parents. Yet sometimes I feel like if the relationship continues to be successful, how would it feel to be a career woman who has spent almost a decade in higher education with a man who has had two? Will we be able to have intelligent conversations? Education means so much to me, pretty much the most important thing to me after my family. It's not like he is lazy though, he works hard in his job, wants to pick up another job (while finishing his last semester). He has ambitions for the future, knows the value of work and money, all our values line up there. It's just education he is not apt for due to adhd and anxiety, and also not just being the type for it.

No. 154602

It’s up to you, if education is an extremely important area in your mind then you shouldn’t compromise. But just based on what you’ve described it sounds like it would be a real loss to give him up. Do you want a partner or a coworker? I don’t think most doctors feel they need to have a doctor spouse so they’re able to talk about their patients or research over dinner and understand every little thing the other person is saying. In fact I think that would become tiresome very quickly. There are tons of people in the field they could speak with about their area of expertise; what you want in a partner is someone who you genuinely enjoy being around for who they are, not what credentials they have. And sure, being financially sound and having ambitions are important, but it sounds like he has both of those traits, just in a different way than you. He sounds like an absolute winner honestly, and it would be a shame to give up such a good person just because he doesn’t want to spend years in academia. He clearly had skills in other areas. Are you able to have intelligent and engaging conversations with him on a variety of topics in general? If so, I don’t see why the rest should be an issue.

No. 154603

To me it sounds like you're throwing away something really good if you let education be a dealbreaker. He's not a duplicate of you, there's going to be some differences between you two and that's perfectly normal and good.

It's up to you. Education can be a dealbreaker if you let it be, but it doesn't have to be. Especially considering he's not uneducated and hardworking.

No. 154605

Hi anons. I am in a really loving relationship of almost 4 years with the kindest and most perfect guy I could ask for. However, recently I cant tell if I am just borderline asexual or if we are not sexually compatible, or if this is normal at this point of the relationship. We had a lot of sex at first and its really nice when we do do it but I never find myself in the mood anymore and my bf has a naturally low sex drive and doesn't initiate a ton. Idk what to think or do! Thank you!

No. 154608

It feels like I'm invisible to the type of men I like. I'm into artists, musicians, extroverted men who are engaging and who stand out. On the other hand I'm extremely popular with dull introverted men. Anyone with a similar problem?

No. 154609

same anon here, to add context I have never had sex with anyone else before (1st real relationship) so I am kind of am really inexperienced w this sort of thing despite the length of our relationship

No. 154615

Have you two talked about this? Imo if the rest of your relationship is that good, this should be a fairly surmountable problem if you both put effort in. I would determine how much sex you'd ideally be having (x times a week) and also think about what gets you in the mood (if not your partner, then what turn-ons you have in general). Then just be upfront with him: "I love you so much but I've been feeling kind of disappointed in our sex life lately. I'd like to have sex more often, but I don't want to feel like the only one who wants it. Would you be open to initiating like 2x a week, maybe by [doing whatever stuff you like]?

If he's supportive then I don't see why he wouldn't want to do this. If he doesn't step up, then yes that can be a problem. Or if he steps up and you're still having trouble really engaging mentally. In that case you may want to talk with a therapist and see if there's more going on preventing you from enjoying sex like you used to. You might want to think about what's changed that might be putting you off or if it's just his lack of initiation making you feel undesired. I'd also ask his opinions. Maybe there are things you could do to help him feel excited more often in turn.

No. 154621

Not saying this to sound bitchy, but have you approached the type of men you like? They may be feeling the same way ("Anon probably wouldn't be into me since we have totally different styles"). They might not know how to initiate or figure out what common ground you'd have. Would make it easier for them if you took the first step, if you haven't already.

No. 154627

File: 1602296652229.jpg (64.89 KB, 720x720, ami0dQV.jpg)

There´s this guy I really like, I met him on the Internet, so we are not from the same country, it´s not a problem aside from me usually messing up with my English, but I want to visit him one day, or invite him to my house here in Latin America I don´t want to reveal where I´m from exactly kek

He is from the USA, and he tries to understand that I am not used to his life style and culture, since I just have a very superficial knowledge of the USA, but I really want to not feel like a bother when I get the chance to visit him, on the same way that I don´t want to make him feel uncomfortable for not being used to my country as a whole.

If there are any anons with long distance relationships or frienships, can I ask for some advice? Especially with the language thing, even if I mess up from time to time with english, I can still hold a conversation, but he doesn´t understand spanish, so I wanted to know if someone could give me advice.

No. 154629

Not really because I believe if a man is interested, he approaches.

No. 154631

thank you anons. this made me feel so much better, I don't want to end it because he's so wonderful. I appreciate your insight <3

No. 154638

i haven’t been hostile at all and i pretty much know the truth at this point

No. 154643

Are you an extroverted person as well? If you don't give any signs no one is going be approaching you

No. 154644

Are you an extroverted person as well? If you don't give any signs no one is going be approaching you

No. 154682

I approach men I want. But I’m very dominant sexually as well.

Tbh it’s kind of turn off if man approaches me.

No. 154684

So, um, you approach musicians and artist and extroverted men in a strong, dominant way and yet you're invisible to them? Interesting.

No. 154687

What, how I’m invisible to them? That was my first reply to this thread.
Men are simple creatures and women are too stupid to understand that.

No. 154690

you've responded to a thread in a way that sounded like you're the OP that complained about being invisible to the men she wants, sorry!

No. 154704

I've recently (in the past year or so) developed a huge thing for asian men, which is frustrating because 1) I've ever dated white people (apart from a black woman briefly) and 2) I live in a very white area. I feel like as a white woman they'd assume I'm not interested or that it's some fetish (which it might be, who knows). Am I overthinking this?

No. 154718

You might be overthinking it but I think it's a good instinct to check yourself when it's to do with race and preferences.
Where do your ideas and images about Asian men come from? It is only some of them? How many do you know personally, what are they like? What kinds of stereotypes are you consciously or unconsciously associating with these real life men? Do you appreciate Asian men when they're expressing their culture or only when they're white-acting?

I don't mean to interrogate you, these are the sorts of questions you could be asking yourself to work out where this thing comes from and if it's healthy.
You sound like a thoughtful person aware of your perspective, but your lack of exposure with Asian people means that maybe your fascination with Asian men might have more to do with their exoticness at the moment (And maybe too much time spent on chan boards haha). If you don't have the exposure, all you have to go on are assumptions about people that may be harmful and wrong.
I say hang out with more Asian people and find reasons to like them that are to do with your experience rather than your inexperience. Godspeed and I hope you find a cute Asian bf.

No. 154720

Thank you for replying to me, I appreciate it!

I actually grew up in a more multicultural place, and recently left another place with a relatively high Asian population, to move to a place which is 97.2% white. I have been friends with a few Asian men (not many), and actually had a huge crush on a guy who I saw a few times in my old job (he was very charming imo, but again was that just because he was Asian and I didn't see him much? He had a gf anyway)

I think you're right re: finding more Asian people to see if it is just a curiosity thing. I'm not a huge consumer of kpop or kdrama or even anime and I really don't know where it's come from, maybe it's because I live in a place that's so white now.

Thank you once again, I definitely need to think about it a bit more. It's nice to be able to post these things sometimes and I felt like I was going a bit mad keeping it to myself.

No. 154771

Hi anons, I need some advice. This is my first proper relationship, couple of months in and my bf is super super lovely. He’s a photographer and he’s away on a shoot today. He brought his laptop over to mine when my parents were gone to do research for a shoot, I seen him on insta and he was talking to the girl he’s shooting with and he kept using heart emojis and that just made me feel really jealous? I know that’s super stupid but I couldn’t help myself. I was sitting on the couch like a fool just watching tv while he researched, I just felt a bit left out. Is this normal? Oh also he hasn’t outright told me that it’s a girl he’s shooting with, and has told me that it’s a friend. Also his dp on his laptop is him and his ex. I was a bit cold with him after that for the beginning of the night..any advice would help!

No. 154772

File: 1602406391004.jpeg (136.93 KB, 500x584, 9A858A34-BF54-460A-A301-650A7E…)

A few months ago, my ex reached back out to me after ghosting me for 2 months after he broke up with me. He left me because he was “feeling depressed and overwhelmed.” Those were 2 of the most emotionally excruciating months of my life. I was ecstatic when he wanted to talk to me again. He says that he doesn’t know if he wants a future with me yet and I want to be patient with him, but it hurts me.

We were just videochatting with each other and the lack of affection he expressed depressed me. I wish he loved me. I can’t cut him off. I’d regret it. I love still him even if I don’t even know he loves me back. I just feel like crying. When I think about when we first met, and how loving he was, I cry.

No. 154773

>He says that he doesn’t know if he wants a future with me yet and I want to be patient with him
You said you can't cut him off, then at least be careful that you don't become his backup plan, the girl there waiting for him ready to take him back, in case it doesn't work out with someone else.

No. 154776

those are red flags anon, its suspicious as fuck. talk to him aboit it and if he becomes angry youll have to dump him.

No. 154787

That sounds awful. I know it seems impossible to cut him off when you feel so emotionally and romantically dependent on him, but honestly it would be the best thing to do. You don't want to stay in contact out of vague hope while it's just making you feel more desperate and miserable in the long run. It's like an addiction you need to shake: when he contacts you you get a rush of happiness but chances are that after you finish a videocall you end up feeling worse than before.
If you really want to keep going, make sure to stand up for yourself and get a straight answer from him about whether or not he wants to get back with you. He's just wasting your time if he doesn't and you're setting yourself up for even more heartbreak in the future. I know you want to be patient but if you take all this shit you're just letting him know he can pull whatever assholery he wants without consequences. And honestly, he doesn't seem like that great a person if he has no issue toying with your feelings like that.

No. 154788

>Also his dp on his laptop is him and his ex.
Ok, this is actually weird and a red flag, but the rest could easily be completely fine. Being a photographer, obviously he will talk with many women and be friends with some of them too, that's how it is; heart emojis can be just being nice depending on what's in the messages and how he talks to other people; and from what you say it sounds like he was not hiding anything from you, so you should be completely fine bringing that up - just say that the other day you've noticed he uses a lot of hearts talking to that woman and is it how he usually talks with models he works with, don't be worried about being honest and telling it's making you feel insecure. Avoiding it will definitely not help because, given it's his profession so things like these will continue to happen.

Btw, a photographer I know has his gf sometimes assist him on set, help with light setting and set building; also her presence makes models feel more comfortable because it helps to have another woman there too, maybe you could do sometihng similar?

No. 154795

This is disturbingly relatable and the exact reason I broke up with my ex.

No. 154860

Thank you so much for your reply anon. I’ve told him the uncertainty depresses me but it hasn’t changed anything. Do you know how I should confront him or phrase things?

No. 154934

Another anon replied regarding your own perspective, but when it comes to this -
>I feel like as a white woman they'd assume I'm not interested or that it's some fetish
I can assure you the vast majority of Asian men will not feel upset about your preference. In the end they are just guys like any others and appreciate female attention. I don't know where you live but I'm in the US, and although k-pop/anime has caused some change in perspective, Asian guys still often suffer from negative stereotypes ("weak, feminine, small dick, only care about work/academics"). For someone to prefer them rather than outright exclude them when it comes to dating, as I've seen some do, is a good thing.

Fwiw I've always had a preference for Asian men and it's not that deep, I just find the more common east Asian features attractive. My boyfriend is Asian and he knows this. He doesn't feel fetishized because I've never, like, made it a point to say "woo I'm so lucky to have my hot ASIAN bf, please say something in Chinese, can I borrow your mom's hanfu, omg I love dumplings" lol. Just treat them like humans rather than a merit badge to show off and you'll be fine.

No. 154935

Nta but it sounds like you've already expressed your feelings and needs. You can rephrase it five different ways but it's pretty clear he's made the choice to leave you in relationship limbo. The question is, are you really okay with that? You are putting your entire life on hold because this guy might eventually want you back. That's callous and selfish of him.

Things aren't going to go back to how they were anon, you need to recognize that the portion of life you're reminiscing about is over and this is just how things are now. Depressed or not, people are still capable of cognizant thought while dealing with mental illness, and they can choose to be more considerate and caring. He's not doing that for you, and he's literally already made the choice to abandon you before. He's not that much of a catch.

No. 154939

>"woo I'm so lucky to have my hot ASIAN bf, please say something in Chinese, can I borrow your mom's hanfu, omg I love dumplings"
Just found my perfect Bumble opener, thanks! /s

I appreciate your response, really. I definitely don't associate (or at least consciously associate) Asian men with being weak or anything like that, they have just as much potential to be moids as the rest of them, I just suddenly find them really attractive when before I was attracted to them but not as a focused thing like this, I guess?

Thank you for your input, lots to think about!

No. 154976

I met this guy and I am freaked out, I like him so much it scares me. He isn't toxic or abusive like my previous exes and for that reason I don't feel good enough. Like when he does something and it upsets me, he will make my feelings valid and say sorry. He confessed to me recently and I am happy as I am scared because I feel like I am going to mess this up really badly and ruin any chance I have with him. Anyone else experience this? I feel like a total idiot for finding excuses to try not to like him… This has gotten worse since I found out he likes me. ughhhh why is this a sugar coated nightmare?

No. 154979

> recently left another place with a relatively high Asian population
Oh from what you said I thought you'd grown up in this monoethnic place! Makes sense you would experience a sudden jump in thirst.
I'm seconding >>154934 to sum up yeah just don't be a thirsty weeb about it, listen more than you talk or assume about other people's cultures, don't be a dick. You're gonna be fine.

No. 155023

literally here in this exact spot rn. i love my ex dearly but he constantly blocks me for months on end. it’s a horrific cycle. but when he’s back, i’m so happy and things are so fucking good.

this is the way i’ll be living for the rest of my life i guess, if that’s what he costs.

No. 155028

File: 1602584349584.png (249.5 KB, 500x489, D4CB78AB-0F90-49E1-8D85-DB1DD0…)

I’m the anon you replied to. I feel you so hard. Before he left me, he was rarely affectionate and I was honestly very unhappy the majority of the relationship. But whenever I’d get a crumb of affection from him, it was like a drug.
I think I read another post by you about your situation and I wish I could convince you to leave him, but I know how intoxicating love/affection can be after periods of starvation for it. You don’t deserve to keep going through this painful relationship cycle anon.

>Things aren't going to go back to how they were anon, you need to recognize that the portion of life you're reminiscing about is over and this is just how things are now.
You’re right anon. Things really won’t ever be the same and it hurts. I hate that I was building a future with him and he left a giant gash in my heart. I have a lot to think about and it’s not easy.

No. 155060

there's this guy who have been clearly interested in me, we went on a date 10 days ago, and it went really well. He seemed super into it ,we kissed and he told me "see u next time" at the end of our date.

i dm him on insta, told him i loved our date and would do it again, and he told me he felt the same.

one week later, i asked him once again, he said yes but canceled and told me he's only available this week (the one that just started)

two days after, he reacted to my story with heart emojis, i only liked his message because what else should i do.

we havent interacted since, it's been 6 days

i don't really get him and it's super annoying, everything was going so well but now he seems distant

what do you girls think went wrong? did i gave him too much attention? was i too clingy?

if he ask me again this week, what should i say? i like him but this is already so exhausting

(he's a gemini btw)

No. 155061

>he's a gemini
ruuuuun sis, run!
>did i gave him too much atention? was i too clingy?
imo, no; and if you have to adjust your behaviour in order to apeace him, he's not worth it.

No. 155063

You didn't do anything wrong. There's a simple thing to remember in the dating world that will ensure you only end up guys who are really into you: If someone is truly interested they will contact you and make time for you, no matter how busy they are.

Don't chase him, he's just doing the bare minimum needed to keep you "on the hook" in case he decides whatever other girls he's pursuing right now don't pan out. You deserve much more than that. He's already causing you stress and you two aren't even together. Not worth.

No. 155064

omg ;-; my boyfriend is a gemini, is that bad?
if so, his venus is in taurus, does that make it better?

No. 155065

i dont know a lot but in my experience all geminis are exhausting and selfish as fuck. scrotes are even worse, manipulative narcs with a victim complex

No. 155066

kill yourselves, all of you. I'm so sick of you underage astrology faggots shitting up the board

No. 155069

thanks for calling me young, i guess? it's just some harmless chit chat, calm down ffs

No. 155074


You've been excessively unavailable. Odds are he's wondering if a)you're a catfish b)you'll bail again or c)all the effort is going to amount to you being boring and awkward and not wanting to talk in person. You've been making up excuses the entire time. If this so called "relationship" has any merit to it you should be able to suck it up and talk like a normal person or stop being an indecisive baby and pick a place you're comfortable meeting. But based on your post anon this "relationship" doesn't seem to have much substance, you clearly don't want to see him as much as you seem to think you ought to, so if I were you I'd call the whole thing off. Sounds like a complete waste of time and energy for both of you.

No. 155075

argghhh this is my worst nightmare! that he may think I don't like him as much as I do

I just have a really difficult time talking on the phone, even with my family that i've known for YEARS. I might call him tn and have a lengthier than usual convo with him :/

No. 155077


I get it anon, I do, even if it sounds like I don't. But if this matters as much to you as you say it does then you need to show it by making an effort to step outside your comfort zone. Just do your best anon, it may never be comfy to talk on the phone but it will get easier the more you do it, and it will show him that you're serious about this since he's been struggling to get you to talk for a year and a half lol. Just take small steps every day, you don't have to commit to hours long convos right out of the gate.

No. 155081

Have to agree. Giving bad advice based on mysticism isn't harmless. Your magic stars bias could fuck up someone's relationship.

Sure, they'd have to be a smoothbrain to let the advice of a stranger on the lolcow get to them, but astrology is still objectively the most retarded metric to judge a person. Seriously this shit makes women look stupid. It's embarrassing.

No. 155084

astrology is legit stfu(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)

No. 155087

lmao inb4 infighting but…no? It's not? I get it, astrology is fun, but it has absolutely 0 scientific basis. There's no proof that your personality is in any way shaped by the alignment of the planets/stars when you were born. The "accuracy" of astrology is only due to confirmation bias and the Barnum effect.

please see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrology_and_science

No. 155114

So I’ve been in a really wonderful relationship with my girlfriend for the past year and a half. We love each other a lot and talk about adopting and starting a family together someday. Most aspects of our relationship are near perfect, except for our sex life.
We had a lot of amazing sex at first, but have basically been in lesbian bed death for about a year now. It’s not that I’m not interested, I very much am, it’s that my partner has been working through a lot of sexual abuse trauma and has been unavailable for sex as a result. I understand trauma and try to be as compassionate, patient, and empathetic as I can, but I’ve also felt hurt and rejected. Although I commend her for working through her hard shit, it hasn’t exactly been easy, and tensions have built.
My gf and I have talked a bit about her trauma and some things that happened, but there was always something they kept secret and didn’t want to tell me. Finally, the other day she confesses that she spent about 2-3 years having chronic compulsive sex with men, and when she wasn’t meeting up irl, she was entertaining them on cam sites. It really fucked her up to the point where she still struggles with sex to this day, even though I’m not a man and she loves and feels safe with me.

The reason why I’m looking for advice is that, ever since she’s shared these details about her history with me, I’ve been completely shut down sexually. Like there’s no way I could imagine us going there right now. The mental images in my mind of what she was doing honestly gross me out, and I feel ashamed of myself for even responding this way, but I’m totally turned off. I also feel ashamed seeing her try to flirt with me or tease me, I just think, “how many guys have you done this to?” Like nothing feels personal or exciting to me anymore.

You guys..what should I do? I’m just a life long lesbian who hates men & our pornsick culture, and this information is reeeeally hard for me. Am I being too much of a prude, or something? Should I try to suck it up? I feel bad about myself for this but turned off by her, even though I love her. Any opinions or advice would be really appreciated, I’m at a loss

No. 155115

She didn't love those men. They were a product of her insecurity. She loves you. This is hard to hear from her though. I feel like you should talk to her about this when she's doing better mentally. Remember that her feeding into pornsick scrotes years ago isn't right now. She's changed and she's getting better. It fucking sucks what scrotes have done to girls like her. Blame the shitty men who hurt her, although it was in partly her decisions, men shouldn't feed into that shit. They were feeding off her insecurities. Please enjoy this relationship and don't let this be a setback if you see a bright future ahead.

No. 155123

How do I get over knowing my boyfriend finds other women attractive? I can’t help comparing myself to them and I feel like he doesn’t even like girls like me. I don’t really know anyone who looks like me which is what he says and he does always say he finds me really attractive and I do get a decent amount of compliments from strangers so I don’t think I’m extremely ugly.

No. 155124

It can be tough, but are there other men you find attractive? You can see and appreciate, but it doesn't mean you'll drop everything and run into a strangers arms. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't like you, as a rule of thumb men don't do pity relationships lol. don't quote me on that but truly. doesn't really happen

No. 155161

I can relate, it’s super tough. I’m trying to think of how my partner and I even moved past this… it was a lot of effort to work on ourselves individually and we also never stopped trying to engage intimately with each other. Also time. My scenario is somewhat different because I’m straight, but there were issues with him being “present” and able to enjoy sex. Found out there was abuse in his past, and he had this period where he engaged in a bunch of drunken, drug-fueled orgies to desensitize himself to sex. Looking back he just felt repulsed and dirty, but hearing about it really put me off and made me doubt whether he actually found sex with me meaningful at all.

So a couple points. You say your partner is working on moving past her trauma, but if she wants to be in a relationship, she needs to make you feel desired and engage sensually in some form. Maybe that’s not sex outright for the time being, but what about extended makeout sessions? Full-body massages? Reading or watching something erotic together? Doing some type of sensation play? You sound like a kind and empathetic partner, which is great, but you have to make sure your needs are being satisfied too. Thankfully there are a lot of ways to be intimate without going all the way, and doing this is typically positive for the recovering partner too because it allows them to explore safely, expand their concept of intimacy and stay physically engaged with you while they heal. Sometimes those activities can even naturally transition to sex, in which case, awesome. But don’t be scared to be an advocate for yourself and work out what your partner is comfortable with. Schedule these things if you need to, because they are essential to keeping your relationship feeling passionate.

Now the second part regarding your hurt feelings, that is legitimate too. It happened before you were with her but it hurts to think of her sharing herself so freely with people who didn’t love her like you do. We’re only human and it’s natural to wonder if she’s serious about you after doing something like that. Again, don’t be afraid to ask her for support even as she’s working on herself. Maybe she can put in some extra effort to reassure you verbally and show love in ways that are meaningful to you. I also recommend therapy for yourself. It might sound silly because you weren’t the one that went through the trauma, but your feelings deserve attention too. Working with a therapist can really help you break down your fears and overcome them. And that’s usually what it is at the core, wondering if you’re “enough” and if your partner is really the good person you thought they were, or if you’re just another coping mechanism for them somehow.

Short summary is: repair the emotional intimacy by talking about it honestly and frequently, ask for support rather than just giving support and work in mutually acceptable forms of physical intimacy as you build up to more. And get therapy if you can.

No. 155163

I forgot to add—we are five years into our relationship now and the sex is wicked and our feelings are stronger than ever, so you can both absolutely get past this with effort! Don’t give up hope.

No. 155428

Something starts to really bother me…

Few weeks ago me and my bf got drunk. I was way more drunk though because I was weak after my period, I didn't expect to get that wrecked on such little alcohol. We had sex and we always use protection, he has to wear a condom. At some point I kind of nodded off, when I got conscious again I noticed he doesn't have a condom and he's IN. I told him to take it out and he was surprised, he was like didn't you realize? I got it in a while ago. He told me not to worry because he already ejaculated before and cleaned it and he was just "there", not doing much. Even drunk out of my mind I took him out and told him to not do that ever again as long as I'm not on a pill. We were bantering like drunk idiots where I covered my vag with my hand and he jokingly begged me to let him in. It was all laughs and shit but again, I was drunk.
So now it pops up in my head like every day or every two days and I feel uncomfortable. Like- he knew my consent only involves sex with a condom. Yet he did what he did. He wasn't nearly as drunk as me to be that stupid. That really damaged the trust, I feel like I won't drink around him every again. I don't know if I should bring it up now, I already told him to not do this shit ever again.
It's not like I got sexually assaulted but… a part of consent was broken. I feel better after typing this out though.

No. 155447

File: 1602868256096.jpg (33.9 KB, 400x311, a2b47cc9-898a-47ca-9af5-cd55af…)

I am not too certain if this topic fits this thread, yet I have noticed that the type of men I am interested in almost always seek tomboys/dominant girlfriends, and tend to dislike whatever I am. I try to approach judging others as nuanced as possible, recognising that everybody is complex and unique, yet I cannot help but notice these patterns. The only men who seem to genuinely like girls such as myself, seem to be perverts with low self-esteem, lacking in testosterone. I struggle slightly with labeling myself as a "type" of girl, because, as I alluded to, people are multifaceted. Yet to put it simply, I suppose one could consider me a girly girl. I have masculine traits (obviously) and am quite a "nerd" in the traditional sense, but I don't think I could be considered a tomboy entirely, I am more, a girly girl, as stated… though I do like things tomboys like !! But I don't think these men would see me as a tomboy because it is not all that I am… As such, I worry slightly that my standards/expectation are unrealistic. I know this is a ridiculous concern and that most people don't think in types but rather focus on developing authentic relationships, yet I have noticed this trend even amongst "normies". Is it simply my lack of confidence? Are the men who like girls who are feminine and kind of spergy (I don't know???) only fetishists? What has your experience been and what could you share with me pertaining to this matter? I apologise for the incoherence, this topic is messy in my head as well…

No. 155448

You should bring it up with him, it's important because it has damaged your trust and you can't mend that if he thinks all is fine. Telling him not to do that shit again when you both were drunk is not enough anyway.

I'm sorry this happened to you, as women this is scary shit.

No. 155450

anon, I understood nothing from your post… so you're a "girly girl" and the guys you like seem to have a type for more tomboish girl and dislike you being girly? But then you talk about your own unrealistic standards. What exactly is your post about?
You typed a lot of words but what I get from it you're a regular "normal" girl. No offense, but you sound a bit autistic with this girly that, tomboy this.

No. 155452

No offense taken, I was very vague. What I mean is that the type of men I am interested in express themselves to like "tomboys". Though I don't believe those categories are helpful overall, because most people have traits that fit into multiple categories, I can say I am not considered a tomboy, and am as such not attractive to these men (despite having some traits which are "tomboy", so it's silly!). I don't know how I would categorise myself, because again, people are complex, but I suppose I would be more considered a "girly girl" if necessary. I have noticed that most men who like me or girls who are "like me", namely, more "girly" types, tend to have low testosterone, whereas the men who like tomboys don't. I still find the terms silly and don't think I fit into either category entirely, like most people, but it is for sake of the question. Sometimes this is saddening to me, though it is helped by the realisation that most people don't think of people in these strict categories. Still I wonder if anybody else has made similar observations, disagrees completely, or can provide some other form of insight on the matter. Apologies for the incoherence of before, I am ill right now.

No. 155456


I think you're making sweeping generalizations based on confirmation bias. There is no way that every person you will meet in life and be attracted to will only be interested in tomboys. If a guy you're interested in doesn't like you because you're not a tomboy, move on to the next. There are billions of people in the world and I guarantee there is at a minimum 1000 people that you will meet and be attracted to that are attracted to you. Don't be a retard and lower your standards based on a bunk analysis. You might have to make the first move but who cares.

When I was young and dumb I thought I might have to settle for a baldy because only baldies hit on me. Hear how stupid that sounds? My bf has a full head of hair is my ideal "type" all around and loves my stupid ass. Who cares about what seems to be the trend in your life, you haven't met all of the people you're going to meet yet.

No. 155457

It's not because you're a 'girly girl' anon, it's because tomboys have a lot of common interests with men and generally have a lot of male friends. Men can have different tastes but it's easier to like someone you're close with. I know a lot of guys that love cute girls.

>The only men who seem to genuinely like girls such as myself, seem to be perverts with low self-esteem, lacking in testosterone.

Coming from a tomboyish girl, we have our fair share of that as well

No. 155465

> .
It's not like I got sexually assaulted but… a part of consent was broken. I feel better after typing this out though.

Anon. Just because it's your boyfriend doesn't mean he can't assault you.

No. 155497

My boyfriend and I are going through a rocky patch. Particularly because I have a very high sex drive and though he tries to me it, he doesn't always. Anyway, I know I shouldn't be, but I am somewhat resentful he watches porn when I'm not at his house. Apparently then he has no trouble masturbating multiple times a day. Now, remember, he does have sex with me, not as much as I'd like, but I suppose enough.

So I was set to go to his house tonight and then he talked about us needing more baby wipes if I wanted sex(we were to shop for them in the morning). I told him he could get some for himself in a snarky way because I know he uses them to clean himself off while masturbating and I decided that I wouldn't stay for the half week I usually do. He got upset at me and told me not to insult him, I've asked him how I insulted him, and I've told him I didn't appreciate him acting like it was as for us when I know it's also for him, and only him at times, too.

Am I a jerk for what I did? Like no shit we're out of wipes because he's beating off, why pretend you are getting more for us to bang when i know they will get the most use when I'm gone.

No. 155498

You have every right to be resentful he’s watching porn, especially if he’s being a shitty sexual partner. Having a similar or compatible sex drive is important, and it’s strange that he can beat off multiple times a day but not fuck his own girlfriend properly. As for the baby wipe thing, it’s really selfish of him to ask, and he knows what he’s doing. Why should you get him is clean up wipes? He can fuck off.

No. 155501

I can only think about, what if the roles were reversed? A bf with high sex drive pressuring his gf to have sex more often. I don't think sex and masturbation are the same. If you're not sexually compatible just break up, don't just expect people to have sex whenever you want.

No. 155507

This just sounds unsatisfying and exhausting anon. Watching porn is okay when both partners are fine with it IF it isn't interfering with their sex life. If you're having less sex than you want with you boyfriend, then it's absolutely interfering. It's true having sex takes more energy than just jerking off, but it's also 100x more satisfying and enjoyable if you're not a degenerate coomer with a numb limp dick.

The wipes aren't the problem here. Simple solution: clear boundaries. How much sex do you want every week? When you figure that out, tell him what you expect. If your boyfriend cannot meet your requirements, dump him. If he wants to meet your requirements but is finding it's difficult, he needs to stop watching porn until his brain and dick can function properly again. It's so not worth it to diminish your sexuality and self confidence (which will erode over time) because of a porn-addicted scrote.

No. 155509

I'm not even anti-porn but jerking off to it multiple times a day when you do already have a sex life too…. That's pretty excessive. What kind of lifestyle even allows for multiple porn sessions a day?

I think it's a touchy subject with him because deep down he must know he's dealing with an excessive habit. Issues like that don't have a quick fix so honestly I wouldn't be inclined to stick around and battle against a porn problem. If you don't even live together yet I'd bail.

No. 155577

my bf and i agreed to exchange gifts for our 1 month anniversary (after a 4 month dating stage). i know, it's very early and i'm sure it comes off as juvenile, but it's just going to be something small to show each other we are thinking of one another. We are in the 18-21 age range. does anyone have any cute ideas that can be personal and also not a lot of money? stories are also helpful

No. 155579

my bf and I like giving each other small gifts now and then randomly. I think plushies/key chains that relate to their hobbies or interests are cute ( for example anatomical heart for med student, you know what I mean), handmade things like hats or mittens (to keep them warm ofc), houseplants could work if he can keep them alive (obvi a cute pot in that case), possibly other small interior decor things that could remind him of you. really depends on his interests and likes tbh.

No. 155604

My bf of almost 5 years started a new job about a month ago and he talks to me about his day when he gets home. I don't mind listening, but I've noticed he mentions the receptionist girl by name even though he pretends to not remember the other womens' names that work there. It bothers me alot because I've read tons of stories of men cheating with women they tell you not to worry about and that you should be on guard if a man keeps bringing up a certain person. I've gotten snippy with him every time he mentions that he had a conversation with her because I'll admit I'm a jealous person and he gets upset and assures me that I'm the one he wants. He's even showed her pictures of me so she knows I exist but I can't help feeling angry and off-put. This isn't the first time I've been paranoid of being cheated on by him even though he's showed no reason why I shouldn't trust him. We don't even argue/have fights.

Honestly at this point, I've turned off most of my emotions towards him just in case my fears are true. I don't feel anything anymore.

Am I being a psycho or am I right in being a little defensive? This is my first bf, he got with me when I was only 19 so that would suck if I wasted most of my youth on some short balding whore.

No. 155610

Anon, do you think he would willingly tell you about her if he was cheating with her on you? Also, a sole fact he interacts with female coworkers at work shouldn't make you jealous. Don't you have a male coworkers you like and address by name? This is something you have to work through yourself, especially as you said it's not the first time you're irrationaly jealous.
This is tinfoil but there's also a possibilty you want to find a reason to ditch him. "Short balding whore" lol anon, you sound like you already despise him, not just "turned off emotions towards him". I know it's especially hard when it's your first bf, but you're still very young. Don't settle for someone you don't like. We have only one short life.

No. 155611

Not her but when my ex cheated on me with a coworker he actually talked about her to me on numerous occasions. Granted my ex was an asshole and had tons of redflags of his eventual cheating that I should've paid more attention before that incident.

No. 155620

My ex mentioned his (it turns out) mistresses name to me quite a bit in the few weeks before the affair came to light. Her own relationship had ended and he was talking about how much she was struggling on her own, it came across as pretty odd and out of character to me because this man wasn't one to care a whole lot about other peoples problems unless he was reeal close to them. My gut feeling was right and even after the affair came out I had to live with him for another month or two and listen to him talk about her and her problems…that and how great she is lol.

If you are not generally a paranoid person then just go with your gut feeling. Even if you are paranoid, bring the subject up. Don't just let it drive you mad.

No. 155627

My ex introduced his side chick to me and ensured we're friends so there's that. Some people are really shitty. I'd say to OP to stay vigilant, because in the end we're all allowed to have friends at work and it may mean nothing; although I agree with what you've said, she already sounds so resentful about him, maybe even if he's not cheating it's a good eye opening opportunity for the fact she doesn't actually want to be with him.

No. 155713

File: 1603102768322.jpg (90.38 KB, 720x540, HONK HONK.jpg)

I'm >>141563 and >>141726 . After typing my second post I didn't come back to check the responses because I was too anxious to read them. I think it's because I knew what most answers would say, but I didn't want to face them.

He's gotten somewhat better. Not too long ago I stalked his Instagram following and saw he followed some models who were all barely clothed. So I confronted him and he apologized and unfollowed them all. He told me he doesn't remember when he followed them, but I know he followed them during our time of dating. On desktop you can see who someone follows in the order they followed them. So that was a lie.

I know his Twitter account and I created a fake looking one several minutes ago, so I can take a peek at who he follows and view what he likes just so I can see if he's really doing better. Typing this out makes me feel pathetic now, but earlier I was laughing maniacally when I "followed" him. It was a rush, I guess. Now I wait for his acceptance.

Other than that, he's been really sweet and caring. I don't know it's just so confusing. Maybe I'm too insecure now. He wants a future with me. I mean, he tells me all the time, but some of the plans just doesn't appeal to me.

It's almost like he has his ideal future and he's planning mine for me instead of asking for my opinion. I feel like I'm only going along with it because I know it'll make him happy. I did try to speak up, but he's the stubborn type and I'm retarded.

Sometimes I don't even know if I love him. I think I'm comfortable now and afraid of not having that attachment to him anymore. I'm not sure.

No. 155714

> Other than that, he's been really sweet and caring
That's nice and all but there's no trust or sense of security in this relationship. There wasn't 4 months ago… there isn't now. Relationships are built on having trust so this relationship has no foundation or value. It's unhealthy as fuck.
>I know his Twitter account and I created a fake looking one several minutes ago, so I can take a peek at who he follow
Save yourself the misery, girl. Move on.

No. 155718

File: 1603104088157.jpeg (27.14 KB, 480x455, 38BAE987-5CE8-420F-AE6B-60265C…)

You're right, anon.

No. 155719

Why go through all that effort for someone who's clearly not being genuine with you? What do you get out of it? Imagine spending the rest of your life like this. What will you do when you both get old and tire of each other if things are this bad now?

No. 155721

File: 1603104811145.jpeg (48.17 KB, 575x575, 9713DECB-C3A9-45F3-946A-866F75…)

I don't want to be like this anymore. God I fell like it'll age me.
Thank you both…

No. 155722

No. 155729

>Sometimes I don't even know if I love him. I think I'm comfortable now and afraid of not having that attachment to him anymore. I'm not sure.
It sounds like you already know here. You're already mentally checked out. If you're looking through his IG and Twitter, you're a long ways away from trusting him again. Is it worth it to rebuild trust? Do you think he will make good on his promises?

It sounds like he was initially trying to neg you or make you jealous, but the whole thing is just weird with him bringing his mom into the conversation. It's not weird to glance at strangers, everyone knows that and there's zero reason to ask your mommy for permission. I've literally never known an adult man who discussed checking out women with his mom, that's bizarre behavior.

No. 155751

He blocked the account, lol. I'm taking this as a sign to leave it be.
> Is it worth it to rebuild trust? Do you think he will make good on his promises?
No and I don't think so. I just hate how he's wired differently than I.

No. 155872

File: 1603213469772.jpg (69.33 KB, 500x692, 1627fdcd085045f75a53feaf2c7ca8…)

Sooo this guy i started dating wants to go to this like fair for our second date and, idk man. Our first date was in a restaurant and it wasn't expensive at all and we had a great time, we live 3 hours away and both drove and met in the middle. This second date seems low effort? He says it's 2 minutes from his house and it doesn't pass by my town. I like fairs/amusement parks but i get irritable when I'm surrounded by a lot of people but he says it'll be fun and the weather will be beautiful. idk if it's by my own standards or if FDS has gotten to me and I would've otherwise not cared or what? but considering I'm not high-maintenance maybe I'm right and it's a pretty cheap date?

No. 155874

I would try not to get caught up in what's supposedly right or wrong here. If it sounds fun to you, go. If you think it'll be crowded and uncomfortable, don't. Personally I love amusement parks and think it sounds like a fun date. I'd rather do that then get taken on some expensive sailing charter or shit where you just sit around. And those ride tickets can actually get pretty damn expensive, so if you're worried about him cheaping out on you then ask if it's his treat or what. I'd be more concerned about the "3 hours away" bit and see if he's willing to head your direction if there's another date afterwards.

FDS is a helpful way to remind yourself to have standards, but I think it verges on overkill with the whole "If a man hasn't rented out an entire 5-star restaurant for your date and escorted you via limo or private jet then he's a cheapskate who doesn't deserve you girl!" Like c'mon.

No. 155875

I know this sounds super silly but ugh I have mental issues and one time when I visited my bf I put my used pantyliner in some toilet paper somewhere before throwing it out because his trash bin is on the other side of the bathroom and I forgot to throw it out and he mentioned it to me and I apologized for it and he wasn't acting mad or anything but I keep randomly thinking back of it and feeling really ashamed but he probably already forgot about it right???

No. 155879

Yeah, don't worry, it was nothing, he definitely forgot!

No. 155880

Girl I've straight up left a steaming dump in my boyfriend's toilet and he found it (hard to miss) and we laughed about it afterwards. Any man worth his salt will not care and will likely have seen far worse lmao

No. 155885

omg I would die. did you leave it on purpose? smh anon

No. 155886

my boyfriend doesn't want sex. It's been ages since we had sex, I've asked him multiple times in the dry spell but he's refused every time, never given a specific reason, just been obviously not into it.

No. 155892

Hahaha no I'm not that much of a degenerate, would've been an interesting power move if I had though. I was staying at his place while he was at work. Ran out of toilet paper during that fiasco (of course) so shuffled out to grab a roll from the closet, cleaned up and shut the toilet lid as I washed my hands. I was prepping dinner at the time so I just headed right into the kitchen afterwards and totally forgot to flush. When he went to use the bathroom after he got back I heard "WOOOOAH ANON, spent a little quality time in here huh?" and I realized what I had done.

That being said he occasionally farts in front of me and describes the texture and quality of his more explosive loads, so maybe we're just a gross couple idk. For me it's freeing to joke about that stuff and not stress over it, not that we go out of our way to be disgusting. I'd seriously side eye someone who judged their partner over those things; everyone shits.

No. 155894

So… how are you planning to proceed anon? Obviously this is not sustainable if you want to be in a romantic relationship that includes sex. Are you going to ask for a clearer reason for his lack of interest and tell him to get help or simply break up? Because quietly enduring a dead bedroom when you want more out of your relationship is not cool. He's also not being a good partner by simply ignoring your needs and not even explaining what's going on.

No. 156045

Leave him and let him be with an asexual girl

No. 156127

How do you shake the feeling that your boyfriend doesn't like you even when he explicitly shows you that he cares about you? I keep freaking out and acting crazy because I convince myself my boyfriend hates me, although his actions and words all point towards him loving me dearly. We have a slightly troubled past together and we are each other's real partner (it's been over three years since we've been together) but I do believe that we do love each other. He buys me lovely gifts, talks to me everyday, listens to my insane rants and deals with my relationship anxiety in a saintly manner and yet I still worry that he hates me. I think it's because I feel like he is smarter than me and could be with someone more intellectually on his level, and also he's had women much prettier than me like him too so I don't understand why he would be with me. I have been feeling like this so much these past two weeks, sometimes it feels like I'm going insane when I worry about it too much. I just feel like he is out of my league in every way and I can't understand why a man with options would want me.

No. 156130

Sounds like self sabotage, deep down a part of you fears abandonment so badly that it'd rather drive him away now with crazy behaviour than wait it out and have him leave you later on. Tbh years of therapy is the answer, actual years of it.

No. 156156

>>155892 nayrt but i love your relationship lmfao

No. 156171

Therapy is the only way, these issues are too deep running for his reassurances to fix - and tbh it’s not on him to convince you of his feelings, this is a problem only you can solve. Good luck anon, seek out a therapist.

No. 156182

For the first time I found someone I genuinely like, for his personality and looks. We share so many similarities I can hardly believe some of them, and he meets all my ideals.

When we text we text for hours. The only problem is he never reaches out first. If I don't text he'd probably disappear forever. I don't get it, how he can be so enthusiastic and quick to reply, send mountains of messages etc but never text first.

Is this a red flag? What do I do?

No. 156199

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag if you guys are just starting out. Someone I used to talked to almost never messaged me first and when I asked her why she told me it was because she didn't want to potentially disturb me. I told her to just not worry about it and message me whenever she wants to. You could bring this up to him, like casually, how come he never messages first.

No. 156200

Yeah we just started messaging, we can't meet up due to covid ruining everything.

But I feel like a clown always initiating. I have no problem being the first to text, just not all the time. I guess I'll give it one more shot and if he doesn't initiate at least once I'm done. I've told him I like him.

No. 156207

anons, this is gonna sound like I'm a dumbass lesbian but I don't think I am. My husband and I dated for 7 years long distance and married a year n a half ago and now our relationship is in person. Happily married, but I find myself semi-frequently disgusted by his penis. Some things to note: he's exceedingly clean, not a dirty person by any means and has never coerced or forced himself upon me. I've never been raped but I have been sexually assaulted a couple times but not really had a lot if experience with dick before moving in w him. I'm a covert radfem and pretty pinkpilled at this point but honestly the sex is good, tho I can't always cum from PiV. But when I'm not horny and he is and his hard dick touches me, I literally want to throw him off of me and fuck off for a couple hours. We have sex semi regularly and I'm attracted to him so why am I getting like this? He's not trying to be disrespectful but when we're cuddling sometimes he just gets hard and I'm like, that's gross?? Sometimes I do push him off and jokingly tell him I don't want his hard dick on me and he laughs it off and his feelings don't get hurt so its not really an issue between us but for some reason its really bugging me lately like where did penis aversion come from??

No. 156212

Well at least talk to him about it. Wanting him to read your mind is stupid as fuck. If you can't communicate now, he dodged a bullet. I struggle to text first cause my dumb ass brain thinks no one would want to talk to me. Could be the same.

No. 156215

Anon I am hesitant to say this is actually a problem. If he doesn't get his feelings hurt and you are having a good sense of humor about it, I would say no big deal. Maybe you can just touch base with him to make sure he isn't hiding any secret resentment over it. Then let it be.

There are a lot of reasons you might feel repulsed by his erections, but there's so much info we don't have that I don't even know where to start. Personally, I went though several years of feeling that way with my husband, because I felt somehow used for sexual gratification (even though our sex was good for me too). I wasn't getting the attention I desired before and after the act. No build up, no appreciation. I too have been sexually assaulted so that led to me being strongly against what I perceive as cheap intimacy.

No. 156219

Yeah you're right. It just seems obvious. Equal effort, and the man stereotypically usually texts first more than the girl anyway.

>I struggle to text first cause my dumb ass brain thinks no one would want to talk to me. Could be the same.

Me too, but it feels even worse now because not only do I think that no one wants to talk to me but it's confirmed.

No. 156220


You make a really good point and I can relate on the bit about cheap intimacy stemming from assault, so you might be right on the mark. Thank you for your input!

No. 156230

I'm married and recently my husband and I decided we're poly
I'm bisexual but I don't want to date just any woman, I want someone we both love and have a connection with as weird as that may sound
We've met a few women that fit perfectly but we're taking things slow. Any advice for us wayward crazy lovebirds
There's one girl in particular we're really fond of, I'm so excited about it.

No. 156233

Idk if this is the place to find poly advice lol. No offense anon.

No. 156242

>For the first time I found someone I genuinely like, he meets all my ideals
>we just started messaging
>can't meet up
>If I don't text he'd probably disappear forever
Tbh the main red flag here might be you getting ahead of yourself. You might be right that he'd just disappear if you stopped initiating conversations. A lot of anons have posted about these text message relationships during quarantine and it often doesn't lead anywhere because these guys are passing time while bored.

You could be the exception to that but it sounds like you're getting ahead of where you guys are at, a short while of texting often doesn't translate into any sort of real life relationship

No. 156258

>There's one girl in particular we're really fond of
this always sounds creepy as fuck

No. 156261

Fucking kek have fun with the divorce.
I used to ummm ..have friends who are thirds for polyfags, they all end up with the husbands choosing the new girl. But hey maybe you’re the 1/10, just make sure to do everything you can to not lose to the new girl.

No. 156264

I was in a scene years ago, I have never seen this work out well. Like the other anon said it often ends in the hubby leaving the old wife for the new pussy…and them then rubbing their happiness in her face.

The absolute worst breakup fallouts that I have ever had to witness. Messy backstabbing shit that'll leave you with trust issues for the rest of your life.

No. 156267

No. 156275

Go to Reddit, you “wayward, crazy lovebirds”, I’m sure some dangerhair they/thems would love to be your third. Why get married if you don’t want to be exclusive? I get not wanting to date exclusively, but trying to combine that with the commitment of marriage sounds like a fucking disaster.

No. 156280

Relationships are already hard enough and end up in disaster often enough with just two people in it, including married people. What makes you think introducing a third into your relationship is a good idea? You're just putting a high risk on your marriage.

>us wayward crazy lovebirds

>this one girl we're really fond of
Also the way this is worded makes me vomit.

No. 156285

Firm, firm boundaries. Right from the beginning. Between everyone. First discuss between you and your husband what you are comfortable with. How far can each of you go the first time, second, etc? Would you want to start out with a fling to maybe test the waters, or are you looking to jump straight into integrating someone into your relationship? Feel around. If you do manage to successfully get a girl to be into both of you, make sure you share ALL of your boundaries with her. It can be intimidating, but if it's something she wants she will understand and take the time to listen and understand why. Make sure everyone is sober and clear minded when discussing these things, you don't want anyone to regret anything. Fuck the 'sanctity' of marriage, do you girl xoxo

No. 156288

I doubt it's real anyway
> We've met a few women that fit perfectly
Yeah cos women really line up for that kind of offer.. mid covid too. Just a queue of women. It's not like every bisexual woman on dating apps despises these types of people and their predatory approach to women. Totes realistic

No. 156289

It's by far the most common type of poly relationship since there's simply way more opposite-sex couples than same-sex and women are more comfortable with acting on bisexuality than men. It's going to be way more common than an opposite-sex couple adding a man or a same-sex couple adding anyone else.

No. 156290

As if “boundaries” are sustainable. Only self-soothing delusions. It takes a group of people with attachment and intimacy issues to have working poly relationships ie sex-workers.
One day someone is gonna feel “left out”. Of course the new girl will get all the effort and attention, they will do fun and exciting stuff together, as people do during honeymoon phase. Where as the old parter is used to being taken for granted and their relationship has been boring, which spurred on the poly thing in the first place. One of the primaries is gonna feel like their spouse and the third are spending too much time together. “How come he never did that with me?”. Jealousy is poison and inevitable. You can try to suppress it but you will always know deep down lol
On the other hand, as a third, their instinct is to dig into and latch on to one of the primary to ensure their place in the relationship, no one likes the threat of being used up and thrown out. This creates competition and backstabbing. She will more frequently side with one spouse and “cool girl” her way into being the shoulder to cry one when you have disputes.
I see it again and again and again. If you want to stick it to the “sanctity of marriage” just fucking break up.

No. 156298

>fuck the sanctity of marriage
kek if you think it's about the sanctity of marriage in 2020 and it's not just a stupid idea that ruins relationships

No. 156300

File: 1603470602166.jpg (38.64 KB, 561x471, 1573331665416.jpg)

I've been staying at my bfs place for a couple months on and off because of the lockdown. Overall I can't complain, it's going really well and we rarely argue. One thing has been bothering me, though. He loves cooking and enjoys getting/making my favorite foods and snacks. I appreciate it for sure, but I definitely eat a lot more when I'm at his place than I normally would and I noticed I've been gaining some weight.
How should I go about asking him to not bring as many unhealthy snacks and cooking a little bit healthier? I get that it's up to my own willpower as well, but it's really hard when there's a variety of fancy snacks on the table all day or when he's all excited bringing me loaded plates of pasta. At the same time, I don't want to deny him the foods he likes or put away snacks he might want to eat while watching a show together.

No. 156301

My point was mainly that they have several 'perfect fit' women that they are waiting to take their pick of. I don't buy it.

No. 156304

> It can be intimidating, but if it's something she wants she will understand and take the time to listen and understand why
Speaking from experience watching friends join and leave this lifestyle, the 'third' in the relationship is nearly always an undiagnosed bpder or someone with incredibly low self esteem and early attachment injuries. I think the sad reality is women drawn to this lifestyle are being emotionally damaged no matter how careful everyone tries to be.

No. 156306

Anon there are quite plenty BPD women who seek to be third for the validation/thrill. They will act like the perfect fit until it’s time to sabotage. I believe OP does have women hitting them up on fetlife, she is just a naive dumbass.

No. 156307

Just have an honest and non-defensive conversation about how the availability of snacks is impacting your choices. Him cooking sounds like a delight and you definitely don't want him to stop, but see if he isn't open to at least keeping around healthier snacks, or less of the heavy stuff at least.

No. 156308

Maybe just try smaller portions of the yummy food he makes, anon! And if you don't already, pour the snacks into a bowl instead of bringing the bag or whatever into the living room when you watch a show. You can probably be more successful with portion control and not miss out on things rather than change up your diets overnight. That, or if your snacks are chips, try popcorn instead. I am obsessed with popcorn rn so I might be biased, though kek.

No. 156312

>bringing me loaded plates of pasta
How about asking him for smaller portions then and snacks only on the weekends? That way you can still eat what he makes and buys you, just in more moderate portions.

I'm pretty sure he'd understand honestly, he'd probably doesn't want to see you get fat either lol

No. 156324

When it comes to the loaded plates of dinner just remind him that women typically have something like 500 less calories we can consume in a day. Point out that your portions should be in line with that.

No. 156327

More like 1000.

My maintenance kcals are 1500 and that's with exercise. My bf's are 3000-3500 depending on activity.

No. 156376

Thanks for sharing

No. 156394

I don't know if this is a good place for this but I'm dealing with a potential cow trying to ruin my relationship. Said cow was a childhood friend that became my roommate. While living with us she would drink all day, have her ex over while she dated our freind and locked herself in her room all day "modeling." She wasn't able to keep up with the bills so it was time for her to go. The day she left she decided to tell me about how my boyfriend came onto her when they were drunk. I had a hard time believing her so I left it alone. Months later she decides to blast him on a local page accusing him of being predatory and labeling me as an enabler. You know how it goes after that especially in small towns.

No. 156439

>meet a guy on a discord server for a game i play
>we start playing together
>neither of us knows what the other looks like
>he's extremely sweet, funny, nice voice, overall 10/10 personality
>we start hitting it off
>he gets drunk a couple days ago and sends me a picture of himself
>he's fat
honestly my disappointment is immeasurable and i don't know what to do. my mood has been down since this happened because he's one of the sweetest guys i've met but i can't get over how unattracted i am to him at the moment. he's not obese or anything but he's pretty chubby/fat and i think if he lost weight and became skinny he would probably look really different. rip.

No. 156443

You're not attracted so that's just a friendship, and given you've only talked online it's not even that deep of a friendship. If he's attracted to you then the kindest thing might be to step away. A fat guy suddenly getting attention from a girl online… they can start out sweet but just be careful.

No. 156444

yeah i suppose i could just leave it to friendship… i can't help but think maybe this is supposed to be some sort of life lesson for me to not be so superficial, or that maybe he'll just decide to lose weight now

No. 156446

The lesson might be to set standards for yourself? finding someone nice to talk to online doesn't equal a relationship…especially when theres no attraction there either.

No. 156449

Please listen to this anon, they’re totally right. Don’t force yourself to be attracted to someone who’s putting on a good face (uh metaphorically) for you. Them being nice on chat is no indication they’re actually a great person, being charming online is much easier than face to face.

No. 156461

I’m delivering an arrow to the other person and tell you that yes, you can’t judge someone on the internet or force yourself to be attracted to him, but it might be hard for him too since he’s probably already self conscious and you’re being superficial. You can always be friends with an overweight person, kek.

No. 156469

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I sort of have a crush on a coworker but its only due to the fact that we share certain hobbies and interest and our sense of humor is very similar and i havent been socialized to any males since i met my boyfriend, partially due to being a hermit and partially due to corona.
i feel kind of bad since i know that i only feel like this because its been a while since ive met a new male that really clicked with me, well since meeting my boyfriend 1.5 years ago.
our relationship is still amazing, i just feel kind of dirty for having this slight crush.
is it normal to develop those crushes? its very pure but i did think of him having sex with me once or twice randomly already.
I have a high stress job (nurse) so I imagine him being there (he is also a nurse) is some sort of comfort blanket that i might be mistaking for something different.
he even asked me if i have a boyfriend and then followed up with asking for how long, so i assume he was at least slightly interested.

No. 156470

>but it might be hard for him too since he’s probably already self conscious and you’re being superficial.
Anon isn't superficial for something she can't control. Attraction is there or it is not. Even more so I think not being attracted to someone because they lead an unhealthy lifestyle (causing his unattractive looks in this case) is everything but superficial.

No. 156471

we haven't really spoken on chat it's been mostly through voice calls, since we play together. i don't know maybe you guys are right but i'm having a hard time convincing myself he wouldn't be totally amazing if he just lost weight (which shouldn't be too hard?)

No. 156472

Listen anon I've had hot men who start off being awesome turn out to be horrible people. So don't settle for someone you don't find attractive because he was nice to you in the beginning

No. 156475

It's easy to get crushes on coworkers because you feel close to them without seeing their negative side. You probably don't know any of this guy's annoying habits, you don't see him leave the fridge open or never washing his silverware, but you do see a personal side by working together in a high stress environment. You're still only seeing an idealized version of him.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, anon, it's pretty normal to get crushes on coworkers. Remember he's a human like everyone else, and remind yourself of your happy relationship.

No. 156478

Monogamy isn't even the norm in the animal kingdom, you just jelly you can't have a sustainable poly relationship without becoming a jelly hoe?

No. 156480

fuck off retard

No. 156481

Anon why on earth are you trying to convince yourself that a relationship without attraction is something you want to chase? Or that he'll magically drop major weight just to suit some online friend. Be realistic.

No. 156482

Thanks for the kek anon, this isn't even worth replying seriously to fucking lol

No. 156493

idk i know that he was skinny before and he gained all the weight during the pandemic so it's not so far fetched that he might lose it. i just don't want to be too harsh if it's for something fixable like weight

No. 156494

haha cuck

No. 156496

I think at this rate you are just very unsure. And honestly… If you care about his weight so much, then it's rather best to not date him at all. You shouldn't force yourself, rather get to know him with much more time than jumping onto e-dating right away (would be one of the dumbest mistakes in your life). Rather focus on yourself instead of chasing the dating world. Right people will come. And in the end you dont really know a person until you live with them for a long time or know irl for a long time. Its easy to fake yourself on internet and hide your habits.

No. 156501

i understand what you mean. i've been single for 3 years though and i'm in my mid 20s so i've had more than enough time soulseeking. i'm just disappointed that he's great in so many ways but just not what i was picturing physically.

No. 156502

I'm so anxious over the relationship I'm on the verge of starting, I'm 27 and and I had never dated before, so we're already off to a great start. I'm also a very solitary person with a huge need for solitude and alone time, but I can't deny I'm attracted to this guy (and the feelings are mutual), that's why I'm agonizing if I should try to have a serious relationship. I can't help but feel that deep down, I will always be happier single than taken, but since I've always been alone, I don't know how being a couple would benefit me. I think I'm mostly scared of this turning into a disaster, we've had a good friendship and we have a lot in common, I would hate to ruin it.
I might also have scared him off at our last date when I told him I was a lonely person, that there would be weeks where I wouldn't want to see him and I would never move in with him. Autism is a fucking curse lol.

No. 156503

Yea yea get mad at me all you want but the sad truth is I'm right. Poly relationships can be long-lasting and sustainable. It requires a lot of effort and work, checking in on each others feelings/needs/wants constantly, and knowing full well what COULD happen if things go wrong and be prepared to jump ship and leave smoothly and cleanly if need be. We don't own our fucking spouses. If you get in a relationship and make it clear you want it monogamy only yea cool fine, but stop expecting literally everybody to fit into your lame ass box. Prone to jealousy? Unresolved emotional or attachment issues? PROBABLY NOT FOR YOU!!

No. 156504

nobody cares you freak

No. 156506

girls what the fuck does it mean if ur bf gives out his isntagram to a like 13 year old girl (approx) on an internet game

i just saw the message in his inbox and it utterly confused me so i messaged her on my side and yeah he gave her his instagram??? they did not talk after but seriously whats with that
i have a weird feeling about it but is it nothing?

No. 156508

I'm sorry anon, but you should trust your gut. That's undeniably weird.

No. 156509

If he knew she was 13 when giving her his IG/following her… uh that's pretty weird. Definitely not a normal thing.

No. 156516

All the guys I ever meet are one of three things:
1. We totally click but I'm not physically attracted to him
2. I'm physically attracted to him but we don't click at all
3. He is physically attractive to me and we totally click but he's a fucking psycho
I'm so tired. I'm 24 years old and I've never been in a serious relationship. I'm starting to think there is legitimately no one out there for me.

No. 156523

Hey anons, my SO has started to copy the way I talk, all of my mannerisms, even the way I type. I love her to death but its driving me insane, it's not cute. It's making our conversations stale. I've pointed it out but she keeps doing it. What should I do?

No. 156562

Grown men should have no business talking to 13 year old girls online! That is dodgy as fuck anon.

No. 156590

Girl, get the fuck out of there. Seriously, do not ignore this red flag. There is only one reason a man would give his IG to some rando 13 year old he met in an online game and you know damn well what it is.

No. 156591

Whenever I see people mention poly shit, I get Nam flashbacks. My husband and I have dabbled with polygamay three times and it ALWAYS went horribly. The two my husband fucked fell for him and were heartbroken over the fact they couldn't be with him and lashed out at me really aggressively. The third was a guy I fucked who ended up being an untreated Borderline nightmare.

The worst part was that his step-sister came onto him when she found out we were in a poly phase. She came over unannounced while he was with a gorl, so he had to explain what was happening so she didn't think he was cheating. A few weeks later she kissed him. They've only been step siblings for a few years, but it still freaks me the fuck out. He gave her a hard no and she doesn't know I know. Seeing her since then has been insanely awkward.

So yeah, I advise you anons considering it to just not. I know it sounds fun on paper, but the reality is it almost always goes badly.

No. 156594

anyone here ever date a guy same height as them? how was it?

No. 156596

It doesn't sound fun on paper either.

Anon, you and your husband are retarded.

No. 156598

I think about this sometimes too lol. I want to sleep with someone the same size as me and wanna know what it's like.

No. 156602

The thing with his step sister seems like some gross coomer fantasy out of porn. But yeah, nothing about being poly sounds remotely fun even in theory. This was stupid of both of you.

No. 156605

My first serious bf was the same height as me (5"4) and it was a non-issue. I've just never cared about height though.

No. 156620

I disagree that it was stupid to try it out. It seemed appealling to us, but just didn't work out so we're monogamous now. Different strokes, anons.

No. 156645

was cuddling difficult ?

lol I’m srry if that’s a weird question, it’s also a non issue for me but I’m wondering how things worked mechanically or whatever, like what was comfortable and what wasn’t

No. 156647

not that anon but as someone who has dated men and women of varying heights, this is kind of a silly question. You don't need a partner to be 6'5 and have them scoop you into their arms to cuddle. If you're the same size most positions work regardless of gender or role.

No. 156665

Last time I saw my bf irl (a few weeks ago idk) he said he'd want to move in together and we were seriously talking about doing it next year but now he's saying he wants to live alone for a year or a year and a half first. Is this normal? He hates his dad and has never lived on his own yet so I kind of get it but he's often alone at home for weeks already and last time he wanted to live with me and now not anymore.. I already asked him a bunch of times why it changed and he just said no reason he just wants to live alone for a bit but the change really hurts idk. My living situation also sucks and I was kind of counting on him but now plans already changed lol

No. 156666

I think you should give it a go with people you genuinely like, if you're really in love you probably do want to live with them at some point but it's okay if that takes some time.

No. 156689

You both sound young if you're just moving away from your parents. I would say it's normal at that age, especially depending on his personality. I'm kind of a loner and when I first moved out it was a huge breath of fresh air. If I'd been in a relationship at the time I likely would've wanted to enjoy that sense of freedom and peace for a little while, even if I was really into the person. It also proved I could actually do it (take care of myself alone), which was satisfying in its own way. Assuming you guys are serious about one another this may literally be his only chance to experience being on his own before settling in with you.

If you're okay with this (and it's okay not to be, do think about what you want out of the relationship), I'd just be very clear about your expectations moving forward. Will he be living alone for a year, or a year and a half? Will you both pick a new place together after that time or can you/do you want to move to his existing rental? How much will you each financially contribute? How often can you expect to see him when he's living on his own? Does he care if you stay over a certain amount of times in a week?

If you hash all this out now and then he starts jerking you around near the end of his solo period, it's a red flag that he isn't actually serious about the relationship. But assuming it works out he will likely appreciate that you gave him room to grow. Hopefully you can do the same during this time and learn your own likes/dislikes when it comes to a living situation. Perhaps look for shared housing with someone around your age if you can't afford your own place?

No. 156691

>but now he's saying he wants to live alone for a year or a year and a half first
I honestly think that's a good thing, too many men just replace their moms taking care of them with their girlfriends taking care of them. If he lives on his own for a year and a half that ensures he can (and will) do basic life skills on his own.

Other than that I agree with >>156689

No. 156692

Thanks so much for your reply, really appreciate it. He told me I can come over and stay for up to 4 weeks if I want to and that he just wants some weeks alone. I just got hurt because he first said we would live together next year. Due to my personal circumstances I don't think I have another chance of moving out in the next few years. I'm already turning 24 next month but I kinda fucked up my future lol. Do you think I should be worried about him changing his mind about moving in together like maybe he will change his mind more often? He does seem to want to meet up often though, but I'm feeling a little insecure and anxious thinking maybe he secretly doesn't want all that and isn't being completely honest. I know that's all about trusting each other though..

No. 156693

He's already living alone for weeks very frequently throughout the year and even when his dad is home he has to do the cooking and stuff.. And I'm the one who needs his help to be honest lol.

No. 156699

Thanks you for your reply, and you're right, I really should try to make it work. I tend to become very anxious when things go different from my daily routine (especially with stuff I've never done), lots of people go through this with ease, why couldn't I?
I'm still adamant about living on my own forever (well, in the future anyway since I still live with my family), I want my place with my own womancave and fortress of solitude.

No. 156707

I'm anxious about everything but I'm always glad I did things afterwards, relationships can be really great even if you have some mental health issues making it a little more difficult. Also after you've lived alone for a while you might start to feel lonely, you don't know that yet. But either way a partner who is a good match for you should only have a positive impact when they're moving in

No. 156721

The trouble is anon, you can't control anyone in your life except yourself. I'm a little worried that you say you're unable to move for the next few years but you live in a negative environment. Even if you were to move in with your boyfriend right now, it sounds like that would just make you dependent on him for a stable home instead. If you were to break up and he was the main person on the lease he could kick you out and potentially leave you worse off than before. I think any scenario where you're essentially relying on him to rescue you from your current situation is far from ideal.

For now I'd say you can go ahead and take him at his word, but it would be very beneficial to have a back-up plan. If he does change his mind in a year, what are some ways you might be able to move out on your own instead? Please don't put your life on hold and pin all your hopes on whatever choice this guy decides to make. You have the ability to take more control of the situation than that.

No. 156746

My very serious boyfriend, a man that I have lived with for 4 years is really letting me down sexually. We do have sex a few times a week but he only last like 5 minutes when he used to last around 20-30 mins sometimes longer early on. I don’t feel like this belongs in sex advice bc it directly effects our relationship at this point? We used to have sex around 3x a day the first few years. Now he barely wants to initiate sex and whenever I try to do it he says he’s too tired or just not horny. He doesn’t even want me to give him head sometimes. He says it’s because he works 2 jobs but I’ve said well can you just like get me off? And he said he tries but whenever he fingers me or eats me out I “just ask him to have sex with me” I said ok well then I won’t, sorry you were doing a good job?? And he accused me of trying to find a problem to fight about. Like that’s laughable lmao I’m addressing something that directly hurts my self esteem and makes me feel undesirable? Like I’m really attractive and giving sexually so I don’t understand the issue. Then he says I make sex a chore because I want it so much!! So I said ok well let me get a dildo and he said “fuck no do you want me to get a flesh light pussy?” Like sure if that’s what you want?? Then I admitted I had been having to masturbate a lot lately and it’s depressing bc I’m in my early 20s but he has an old mans libido (he’s early 30s can you have low t then??? Lmao) I actually did come home with a thrusting dildo once and he saw it and got so angry he snapped it in half… it was really pathetic to watch tbh. And yes he paid me back. But regardless I don’t know what to do. I just feel so undesirable bc my man can’t / doesn’t want to get it up for me or even just please me alone? And thinks I should be content not using a dildo and as he said “just flicking my bean”. He said our sex life changed so much because “that’s what happens” but I thought that was like post kids menopausal phase?? Then he said it’s because he’s so religious and stopped masturbating to honor our relationship (which honestly I do believe to an extent. he is really religious and felt guilty when I caught him watching ugly ass porn regularly and he started engaging in more hobbies and got some guy friends) and in the Bible it says not to have sex for pleasure (OMG I KNOW) but like LITERALLY in our premarital marriage church group our teacher recommended to couples to have sex daily to keep the love and passion going?? Like Christians know sex with your spouse is sacred and should be enjoyed/ loving for both partners. They were bringing up even how vital it is to a healthy relationship.. I know he just pulled it out of his ass and he knew it too. Idk what kind of sexual issues he’s having but it’s really depressing me and idk what to do. He said I make him feel inadequate. We have fought about it multiple times this year and it’s only when I try to talk about it… is this going to be a permanent issue? Is this something we could work through!? Any advice? Btw he has a son whom I love very deeply and I am his step mother figure. my boyfriend and I are planning on getting married in the next few years. Am I destined to be one of those weird lonely housewives who has affairs with younger men/ masturbates to terrible erotic fiction??Should I buy a secret dildo??!!! Should I dump his ass??!! Am I a nympho abusive gf?? Please be honest y’all I need help and I am embarrassed to talk to my therapist about this. And yes I know men really aren’t shit but that doesn’t change that I love him and his son uhhhhggggggg

No. 156747

Affects* whoops

No. 156752

Your bf might just have erectile dysfunction of some sort and be too ashamed /shy about it to acknowledge it. That would explain why he doesn't want you to use a dildo and only "flick the bean". Might make him feel inadequate because dildo is always "ready to go" unlike him. I never dealt with that so I can't give specific advice, but I think you have to be subtle about it though, read about experiences of other woman and how they dealt with that. I can imagine how it feels for you anon but it would be better if you two tried to have a dialogue instead of fighting. For real erectile dysfunction also might be consequence of some bigger heatlh issues. Good luck anon

No. 156764

If he's working two jobs he could be tired and depressed. Try talking to him about how he's feeling without mentioning sex and see if you can find out anything.

No. 156780

Couple Red flags here. You are early twenties and you've been dating for four years already, there's a ten year age gap and he has a son..? What age did you both get together then?

You thought it was okay to own a sex toy (should be imo) but he lost it and snapped it in two… He would rather pay you back for breaking it than allow you to own a toy. A man breaking your belongings because of a disagreement is never a good sign. Especially given his age.

Him being tired and having a lower libido is one thing, a common enough problem to pop up a few years into dating but I see hints of other problems here that are honestly way more worrying.

No. 156791

This is why you don't get with men in their early thirties, especially religious nuts with kids. It seems like he either has erectile dysfunction, isn't attracted to you anymore, is stressed or is genuinely feels shame surrounding sex due his religious beliefs. It could be a multitude of reasons. Try talking to him about it, although men like him seem to have real trouble expressing their issues. Good luck, anon.

No. 156805

It's not my own decision to be stuck, I don't have a solid backup plan because I kind of just can't make one. I have severe mental issues and a low intelligence problem and can't get a proper job due to that among other things, I have to deal with several different types of issues preventing me from getting a stable life.. In my country you need to earn nearly 2k a month to be able to get a house even a rental house but nobody earns that much unless they're well educated or have been working at the same company full time for a few years and then got promoted. I can get social housing but then I have to wait several years because there are many other poor people who can only afford social housing and there's not enough social housing so the waiting lists so far (they keep getting longer) now have an average of 10 years. I have tried guys, but I just have a lot of shit making it hard for me.

No. 156808

Different anon but speaking as someone older who has been through a very similar situation, moving in with a guy when he is all too aware that you have no other options leaves you in such a vulnerable position and open to abuse. It also can make you feel like a burden on them which leads to resentment and kills the relationship.

I wouldn't recommend that anyone skip the important stage in life where you move out and do things on your own for a while. It sounds like it could be the best thing for you so that you don't always stay dependant on other people to look after you or house you. If your mental health and possible learning difficulties are legit then you should be able to access a social worker and discuss your needs possibly bumping you up on lists or making you aware of special housing for vulnerable or learning disabled people.

Jumping into living with this guy sounds like setting yourself up for failure. More importantly he doesn't want it and you have to respect that. It's actually healthy that he wants to experience his independance for a while.

No. 156815

thank you anon, you are right.

we spoke about how we think about order and cleanness of people, peoples priorities and even mentality things like "some people just cant agree with the fact that you dont have to stress yourself out all the time" etc, and those are very important things to me personally. he is also very tall which i love, and he is super open about anime and games with me which has never happened to me before with an IRL guy
my boyfriend is wonderful and i love him to death, but i think due to the fact that he is my first bf ever (got together at 21) that i cannot really make a difference between being fond of someone for who they are and crushing.
i just find it worrying that im imagining having sex with him, i have sex with my boyfriend frequently and dont feel like i need more at all
i think this is a product of me not being socialized with males IRL from about 13 to 19

No. 156827

I never said I don't respect his decision or want to push him to move in together. I was just worried about him changing his mind suddenly after we made plans to live together next year and I'm going insane in my current living situation which makes me more sad about it. I am trying to make it on my own and find my own place but like I just explained that's a difficult long process. Basically I'm waiting until I'm high enough on the waiting lists. I have been diagnosed with things but they don't consider it serious enough for aid or whatever. And I'm not homeless so they just tell me to keep living with my family.. I don't want anyone to assume that I'm just willingly depending on guys, because that's not what I'm trying to do.. I'm working and just waiting to get a chance for social housing

No. 156830

Also people keep bringing up how it's good that he will learn to be independent but he's already doing everything in his current home and is often living completely alone for weeks so that's irrelevant in this case

No. 156843

>that's irrelevant

No. 156844

I recently found out my boyfriend tried to fuck a 'trap' a couple of years ago but couldn't get it hard or fit it in. He met up with them just for the sole purpose of sex out of curiosity. And even though I love this man unconditionally, try not to be judgemental, know it's in the past whatever etc it still just really grosses me out and I'm not sure how to not be grossed out by it. I never wanted to date a bi man. I think anal itself is just gross but also is fucking someone you don't even like to me. I know there's nothing I can do but just move on from it but every time we have sex all I can think is 'this has been near another man's asshole' lol. How do I move on, anons? I often struggle from moving on from the past even when I'm happy.

No. 156848

>love this man unconditionally
I don't mean to be nitpicky but romantic love should never be unconditional. It's conditional and that's healthy.

I've been with a guy who had a once off crossdresser/trans meetup in his history and while I didn't feel too bothered by the gender aspect it turned out he did have a thing for anal to a point where he valued it more than PIV and that caused issues. Have you talked about what brought him to explore a trap? For some guys it's purely that anal is off the table with alot of women so they end up going for 'well that's close enough and they'll let me do butt stuff'

If you are openly grossed out by all things anal you might not get an honest answer about that though.

No. 156849

What? I already explained 3 times that he already lives all alone for weeks on end so he doesn't have to learn how to live on his own he already learned that and is doing it. There's no point in saying he has to learn because he is already way past that so it's not a valid point anymore lol

No. 156851

Well I suppose if he couldn't get hard he's not bi lul.

No. 156852

Anon you got your advice, take it or leave it but stop shitting up the thread with this autistic hairsplitting

No. 156874

I hate it when I'm hitting it off with a guy and he starts turning it too sexual before we've even kissed. He was doing so well ffs.

No. 156898

he's just testing you. make it clear you don't find it amusing and he'll stop, most likely.

No. 156902

Nta but there's objectively a difference between living alone in your parents' house for a few weeks at a time and living on your own.

The independence-or-not thing isn't really the point though. I agree with the other anons that you should try your hardest to secure living space on your own without relying on him. We can't take away your worries about him changing his mind about moving in with you in a year and a half time. It's realistically a possibility, a lot of things can happen in that span of time. So do all you can to get a backup plan for yourself, and if you can't well time will have to tell. There's nothing else that can be said about this.

No. 156909

why do they do this.

No. 156919

i miss him so much and i just dont wanna talk about it to anyone or acknowledge the breakup because i dont want to think about it i dont want to be weak i am ashamed and this feels like a nightmare

i miss him so much i dont want to be alone i cannot replace him but i cant help but try i know everyone feels this way and somehow they survive it but god why did i have to go through this again and believe all the promises

im numbing it effectively but i still cant eat or sleep properly

No. 156925

I've cut guys off over this kind of thing happening real early. I don't want a random message about how a guy is wanking when we've never even kissed yet, nor do I want a guy getting an erection mid-date and then pointing it out to me.. Good times /s lol

What are the details of what happened?

No. 156926


No. 156930

Lol, nothing that explicit. Guess I can't blame him for trying to test the waters. But I hate how men are visibly annoyed when you don't reciprocate. Sorry I won't switch to sexting, I will never do anything sexual over any technology.

No. 156931

They're trying to sort you into either the whore or madonna folder

No. 156938

You can defnitely blame him for this > visibly annoyed when you don't reciprocate

No. 156965

Why would you want to continue seeing somebody if they're testing you like this in the first place though?

No. 156966


It's over for attachedcels /s

But seriously, if you didn't have so much time to sit and think about him 24/7, maybe you could get slowly get your mind adapted to a life without him.

Tl;dr is if you are depressed over a breakup, simply do other things to keep your mind occupied so you don't constantly think about him.

Most overused advice given to anyone coping with a breakup, but it mostly works.

No. 156981

Can confirm this advice. if you don’t have a job start looking or try volunteering somewhere. If you are working and still have too much free time- start working out or going to the library on your own often. It’s easier said than done at first but once you realize it’s doable and give yourself some time, it will feel okay. Really, time is a big factor. after a few months it won’t be as raw and nightmarish. Also I recommend listening to new music and trying out new things!! Make new memories with yourself!! I believe in you anon.

No. 156993

i think it's a normal thing people do… it's not really testing intentionally in a sociopathic way or anything, it's more just feeling out people's responses and personalities i guess. i don't think it's an issue so long as it's not toxic and it stops after you get to know each other

No. 156996

This is a fair assessment in general, but the fact the guy started acting pissy when she didn't want to engage sexually speaks to a level of immaturity and disrespect.

No. 157002

I think he was in that mood, went away and came back because our normal conversations are good. Definitely a test of sorts.

Dunno he's pretty good, maybe I'm just a dumb prude. He's been talking a lot with me for weeks without any red flags or disrespect, this just caught me off guard

No. 157010

>maybe I'm just a dumb prude
You aren't anon, don't gaslight yourself. Men go through life basically never second-guessing themselves on these matters even when they absolutely should. It's okay to have standards and not want to have an explicit chat with a guy who you hardly even know yet.

>He's been talking a lot with me for weeks without any red flags

Well here's the first one. Maybe you're right and it was just a fit of freak horniness, but good men don't really have those and can keep their degeneracy at bay when it comes to women they respect. I'd pay close attention to his behavior from now on.

No. 157019

My boyfriend won’t talk politics with me and it drives me insane. Anytime I want to vent about whatever he is condescending, like, implies I’m an npc because I agree with some major corporations. Like, it’s not my fault corporations like to pander to opinions I happen to have. Idk what his politics are basically. Like he seems to be right wing but idk to what extent. The only things we agree on are things I have right wing stances on. I feel like he may be a little misogynistic and thinks talking to me (a woman) about politics is a waste of time or something. He also hasn’t voted and won’t vote because he says obviously trump will win. And even thinks about betting money on it. But he didn’t criticize me for voting or anything, actually thought it was “cute” (condescending asf). The most we talked about politics once we both agreed trump facilitates racism and that he’s a stepping stone to white supremacy. So I concluded he must be a centrist or something. But then he says right wing shit so it’s like??? idk how to get him to be open with me. I wouldn’t even care if he’s conservative, I love arguing politics. Maybe I should bait him by asking if he didn’t vote because he doesn’t support either one of the nominees.

No. 157020

>implies I’m an npc because I agree with some major corporations
>actually thought it was “cute” (condescending asf)
>I wouldn’t even care if he’s conservative, I love arguing politics
If you wouldn't be mortified by his views, and it's something you want to connect over, maybe he simply dislikes talking about politics or isn't very engaged with them. Especially now it's shoved in our faces online, so I understand why he might not want to talk about it. But try to figure out if it's related to him being misogynistic or looking down on you, like if he talks politics with men instead. If he does seem overtly misogynistic then that seems like a red flag worth breaking up over.

No. 157023

Do you enjoy dating an arrogant, patronizing piece of shit? He obviously doesn't take you seriously so if you're hellbent on getting him to share his opinions then just lean into being his handmaiden and he'll likely feel comfortable enough to express the full breadth of his assholery around you.

>The most we talked about politics once we both agreed trump facilitates racism and that he’s a stepping stone to white supremacy. So I concluded he must be a centrist or something.

Interesting conclusion. He agreed Trump associates himself with white supremacy but didn't say he was against it.

No. 157024

Not talking politics is one thing but the fact that he's not voting after all that bravado.. makes me think he's just not all that into it or informed on it. Could be that he's afraid to admit that so he's hiding behind a shitty act of 'I'm not even discussing it with you cos you're just a dumb woman'

Sounds like one of those guys going through life with a fake act of cockiness as a defence mechanism. Enjoy having him put you down any time his own insecurities start to bubble up

No. 157027

I don’t hang around his friends so I can’t figure out if it’s just me he doesn’t want to talk politics with and it’s something he has no problem of doing with them.
this is literally the only thing that are patronizing about him in our relationship. He’s not an asshole, like at all. Maybe he doesn’t even mean to be, maybe he really just doesn’t like sharing his opinions. Or maybe you’re right and he’s just keeping it under wraps to not scare me off. If I were to guess though, because I know him, he’s prob the former. Also the context was us acknowledging how both nominees are stepping stones to things we view as bad.
yeah I was thinking the same, it would make sense that he’s not the type to care about politics, but then he does consume right wing media, like, what he deems funny. So I just don’t know if he’s being serious or joking half the time.

whatever tbh, maybe he’ll let the walls down come election day

No. 157031

Anon patronising you in any way is plain fucked. You're bringing up red flags and then somehow rationalising them to yourself as not being so bad? Why second guess yourself and change tone so much from one post to the very next? You have valid issues here and you don't have to play them down

No. 157039

Women bend over backwards to accommodate and rationalize men's genuinely terrible traits. Meanwhile they throw us under the bus for the most retarded, random shit. I hope anon realizes what she described is actually unhealthy and that her ~amazing~ partner would have shut her down immediately if she did this to him in reverse. Men play at being egalitarian until it doesn't benefit them, and she's letting him get away with it. It's the typical, "Oh he's actually perfect except for brazenly terrible thing." He's just not perfect, then. Far from it.

So sad and tired of seeing all these women tolerating outrageous bullshit in their lives for literally no beneficial purpose.

No. 157044

File: 1603882404698.jpeg (711.76 KB, 1242x1095, A2C9D981-2085-4A69-8CED-7CF309…)

is it okay that my bf and his female best friend text ‘I love you’ to each other everyday? She’s also his ex. he says it’s just friendly and that their friendship follows a certain ‘structure’.

this isn’t a troll btw

No. 157045

Of course it isn't. How often does he say he loves you?

No. 157046

no, she wants to be with him and he keeps her as a backup fuck

No. 157047

Girl, what the hell? Just from the way you typed this out and decided to attach that pic, I think you already know the answer. Don't be in denial and/or try to justify it. Being that buddy-buddy with an ex will always be a slippery slope.

No. 157048


they havent seen each other in 2 years except for two occasions when he visited his family. they live in separate continents.

No. 157049


if he really wanted her like that there is nothing stopping him from moving back to the States and dating her

No. 157050

Not to raise any more suspicion but couldn't he just be emotionally cheating with her and still being physical with you? Him even having to clarify that they have a certain "structure" to their friendship is so weird. I mean, I guess you know your own relationship best, but this all reads as odd to me. If you think he's crossing boundaries, vocalize that.

No. 157051

Men always want to have someone in a pocket just to be more "muh alpha". He wants to feel dominant by being wanted by two women. The situation itself is a huge red flag and its not normal at all.

No. 157052


i have vocalized my concerns but he normally puts it to rest by explaining that they're just very close and that their 'ilys' are nothing more than platonic

No. 157053

Hmmm I guess this wouldn't raise as many warning signs for me if they weren't ex's. Like if they didn't have history, I'd see less of a problem. It's highkey disrespectful though that you've expressed discomfort and he tries to swat it away. If you're really on edge about it, it sounds like you need to firmly plant your feet once and for all. It's not like you're being unreasonable to ask him to stop being so explicitly lovey-dovey with her. They can be friends and not constantly say "I love you" to each other. This whole "well she was friends with him first" business people like to bring up is ridiculous. Just because they've known each other longer doesn't mean anything goes. Tread lightly here. Don't pull your hair out over something that can be solved by being assertive. If he tries to call you overprotective, then that's all the more reason to think he's not being fully forthcoming.