>>38891i don't to talk to her. she was an
abusive alkie when i was a kid, and it only continued into my 20s (i cut her off around 25). i told her i would talk again if she goes to rehab. she still hasn't. i want to make space for her, but it must be reciprocal. her eldest sister says she trembles after a few days of not drinking. i find it tremendously sad, to be honest. why does she need alcohol more than she needs a viable relationship with me? maybe she will die without me ever knowing. whenever she reaches out it feels like a trap. i've suspected more recently that she never wanted to be a mom. a few times she told me her relationship with my dad was my fault for being born and maybe it was like that back then. i won't pretend women's rights have been going well, and there's probably a lot unrecorded because men don't give a shit about the hell they inflict on women and make great efforts to conceal this, well… sometimes.
for my own sanity, i really cannot put myself in a situation where she can threaten suicide or lash out at me physically for emotional leverage if she refuses to do any work towards, succinctly, not doing that kind of thing. i gave it a good 15 years (from 12) or so. nowadays i find peace over our deteriorated relationship in my grandmothers, my aunts, my friends, and women in the knitting circle, silly though it may sound. i learned a lot from her, just not necessarily positive lessons (a bad example is still a lesson). mother's day is always a little weird emotionally for me, but i usually just gift things to the other wonderful mothers in my life. this year i did shareable plants (or, plants that propagate well) in little pots that were evocative of the women i gifted them to (pottery sets/styles they like, shells, etc).