/2X/ - (XX)

I feel like the more my mother socializes and talks with other women the more desensensitized she becomes with me. Our relationship becomes less tender. It make me feel worthless and sometimes i feel suicidal about it. Because I crave for mother love, and I'm seeking that from other older women. Just in case if mother doesnt love me anymore. I think she hates me in deep dowm, I feel like a burden to her. And if she learn my true self, my true feelings about myself and world around me… I have no idea. I love-hate her, sometimes I don't care about her sometimes I can't sleep from thinking my place will be replaced by other women. No women will take her place so I don't see any point in dating or making friends. I feel insecure

She is the best.

She was a terrible mother, but now that I'm an adult she's a good friend.
I can see now that she was desperately trying to keep her own head above water when I was young, and wasn't in a position to provide the support I needed. Now she's got less stress in her life, I'm capable of looking after myself and don't need as much from her, we get along well.
I always thought my brother was her favourite but it was just that his flaws aligned better with hers than mine did, if that makes sense. She had so many things to worry about at any given time that she forgot about us a lot. Promises she had made, things we needed for school, etc. My brother was impatient and would nag her over and over which served to remind her so he usually did get what he needed. I patiently held my tongue and waited for her to remember on her own, which she never did. If I had been better at advocating for myself it would have made a huge difference.
I've made my peace with the difficulties we had with each other in my youth, and while I will try to learn from them and do a better job with my own children, I don't hold them against her.