/2X/ - (XX)

I feel like the more my mother socializes and talks with other women the more desensensitized she becomes with me. Our relationship becomes less tender. It make me feel worthless and sometimes i feel suicidal about it. Because I crave for mother love, and I'm seeking that from other older women. Just in case if mother doesnt love me anymore. I think she hates me in deep dowm, I feel like a burden to her. And if she learn my true self, my true feelings about myself and world around me… I have no idea. I love-hate her, sometimes I don't care about her sometimes I can't sleep from thinking my place will be replaced by other women. No women will take her place so I don't see any point in dating or making friends. I feel insecure

She is the best.

She was a terrible mother, but now that I'm an adult she's a good friend.
I can see now that she was desperately trying to keep her own head above water when I was young, and wasn't in a position to provide the support I needed. Now she's got less stress in her life, I'm capable of looking after myself and don't need as much from her, we get along well.
I always thought my brother was her favourite but it was just that his flaws aligned better with hers than mine did, if that makes sense. She had so many things to worry about at any given time that she forgot about us a lot. Promises she had made, things we needed for school, etc. My brother was impatient and would nag her over and over which served to remind her so he usually did get what he needed. I patiently held my tongue and waited for her to remember on her own, which she never did. If I had been better at advocating for myself it would have made a huge difference.
I've made my peace with the difficulties we had with each other in my youth, and while I will try to learn from them and do a better job with my own children, I don't hold them against her.

I feel guilty for wishing she did more to protect me as a child. She was stuck in this split between being a total doormat pickme for my dad but also genuinely caring for me and shielding me from his abuse. And no the former wasn't just a mask, she still goes out of her way to defend his opinions these days.

>>38891
i don't to talk to her. she was an abusive alkie when i was a kid, and it only continued into my 20s (i cut her off around 25). i told her i would talk again if she goes to rehab. she still hasn't. i want to make space for her, but it must be reciprocal. her eldest sister says she trembles after a few days of not drinking. i find it tremendously sad, to be honest. why does she need alcohol more than she needs a viable relationship with me? maybe she will die without me ever knowing. whenever she reaches out it feels like a trap. i've suspected more recently that she never wanted to be a mom. a few times she told me her relationship with my dad was my fault for being born and maybe it was like that back then. i won't pretend women's rights have been going well, and there's probably a lot unrecorded because men don't give a shit about the hell they inflict on women and make great efforts to conceal this, well… sometimes.

for my own sanity, i really cannot put myself in a situation where she can threaten suicide or lash out at me physically for emotional leverage if she refuses to do any work towards, succinctly, not doing that kind of thing. i gave it a good 15 years (from 12) or so. nowadays i find peace over our deteriorated relationship in my grandmothers, my aunts, my friends, and women in the knitting circle, silly though it may sound. i learned a lot from her, just not necessarily positive lessons (a bad example is still a lesson). mother's day is always a little weird emotionally for me, but i usually just gift things to the other wonderful mothers in my life. this year i did shareable plants (or, plants that propagate well) in little pots that were evocative of the women i gifted them to (pottery sets/styles they like, shells, etc).