>>322640>It hurts that I'll never have a mother that loves me. >Hurts that in her eyes I looked so ugly that I was unloveable.I wish there was a way to go back in time and have my parents never reproduce. My mom would in a matter of days fluctuate between screaming how I was an abomination who never should've been born and then a few days later said "I loved you when I first held you in my arms".
Then why did you do this to me?
When I was a child she would compare me to a doll and forcibly dress me and my sister in matching outfits, until us and our dad protested ourselves out of it.
I think my father and his income bracket were the only reason she didn't pimp us out, she pushed us towards vanity. Our looks and pleasing boys were all that mattered. My dad taught us to be smart, and I followed his example. I didn't want to be attractive, I wanted to be intelligent, funny, artsy, weird. Wanted to be recognized for my brains and not my face. I figure we also weren't talented enough to make it in hollywood. Thank god for small miracles and laziness I guess!
I feel the effects of being trapped with my mother post pandemic project hard onto me. I now frequently have panic and crying attacks, heart palpitations, I'm lethargic all the time. I regressed into a self harming teen again. So when on top of all the facial dysmorphia my body also looks like it was mauled by cats, why am I still here? Alive? Breathing?
For almost half a year I refused to speak to her. I only resumed contact because otherwise I'd never hear the end from the rest of my family about not inviting her to my graduation. Not like my sis is invited either. She bullies me over text with condescending emojis and punctuation like picrel. I end up crying because at her angriest she'll send me walls of rant. Run on emoji festivals of gaslighting.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text. 
A surprise month of Hellmas is now in effect. For the rest of the month of December, VPN posting will be banned.