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No. 160323
Gaze into the future. Gaze into the past. You seek Braco's advice? Dump his ass.
Old threads:
>>145234>>134794>>122983>>108637>>86733>>70439>>44548 No. 160413
haha ok, aside from Braco, could i ask a question?
how do i tell whether a guy is keeping me around because he's lonely and wants sex/cuddles/kisses, or if he genuinely likes me and wants to be around me? he sleeps over at my place and i do at his a few times a week, this has been going on for two months now. 90% of the time it ends in sex, but we cuddle and kiss too (i mostly initiate cuddling and he does kissing). however… i give him compliments about his body and personality often, because i like to and want him to know i appreciate him, but he never does to me, except when i ask what he even likes about me… he answers my texts in a timely manner, and he calls me during lunch break, brings me food and drinks and leaves me pocket money and such things. but still i feel like he's keeping himself at a distance… like, he has trouble opening up…
No. 160425
>>160413If he wanted the relationship to go next level, he would have let it know by now. He enjoys your company and seems respectful but that doesn't mean he has feelings or wants to be exclusive.
If this entanglement doesn't suit you anymore, be clear with him.
No. 160853
>>160849Yes, he's absolutely being selfish. You've established that right now you need space and (presumably) that you're uncomfortable spending time with him because he's acting like there's not a pandemic going on which could endanger you and your mom. He just doesn't care and is now punishing you by moaning over reasonable boundaries. You can reiterate that you are depressed, you need space, and you will not be spending time with him due to his lack of social distancing. But there's nothing else you can do beyond that, from there he either respects your needs or not.
It's fine for him not to be okay with that. Some people don't want depressed partners and as someone who's dealt with it in the past, I get it. But he's also being flippant about your health and safety. He needs to be an adult and leave the relationship if he's not happy with it, not keep pestering you about it. Since he seems unable to do that, you may have to make a decision in his place because it's not worth the added stress of having a partner whose sole purpose is to annoy you.
No. 160941
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PLS HELP:
I am currently in a situation where there is no way I can see my bf because
>We can't stay at my home (because indian parents that disapprove of me having a white bf)
>Can't stay at my Uni place (because dickhead landlord that doesn't allow guests and practically stalks the property)
>Can't stay at his place (because he just graduated so is living with his parents and siblings, shares a room with his brother and it's a very small and busy place).
Meaning there is literally no place we can stay together. Seems so silly that we are very much in love but are being driven to break up because we never get to see each other :(
No. 160950
>>160941>indian parents that disapprove of me having a white bfstop trying to have a bf till you move out, dumbass. from another indian anon to another. i'd say try to sneak him to your uni apt or visit his home and get him to kick his brother out.
how long have you known the scrote, chill out. if you're in america or england accept shit's gonna suck for a while. try to change your uni lease for the future to somewhere with a less shit landlord.
No. 161007
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>>160323Bad English, sorry. My stuff might sound childish, but.. meh. Anyways:
> Began a relationship during the summer, continued the relationship in the same university, just different groups.> He got close with a girl and a guy, happy for him.> He was uninterested in anything I had to say to the point where I had to hand pick the stuff I could share with him.> Called me unfunny to my face, he stated that he always had better things to do than to spend time with me.> Shared my relationship concerns with him, putting an emphasis on communication. Didn’t see an issue and therefore didn’t put effort in improving anything.> We both went home for a weekend (we live in different cities), he didn’t text me the entire time. Not even a hello.> Online school got announced. We both went to our homes. He didn’t text me for an entire week. I took the hint and removed him off every social media, so I could move on.> The girl tagged him two times in a messenger convo I am participating in with something completely unrelated to the convo, even though he wasn’t even involving himself in the conversation.> 10 days after I remove him off social media his guy friend sends me a friend request on fb. What is going on? That seems super weird. I am absolutely convinced he does not care about me at all, to the point where he doesn’t even think it’s necessary to break up with me adequately. Then why the hell did his friends do that? Especially the friend request. It’s an unwritten rule – no one sends friend requests to your closest friends’ exes. Am I imagining things? I don't have any hopes for reconciliation or anything, but curiosity got the best of me.
No. 161016
>>160899I'm in my early thirties, I've never been with a younger man (apart from ONSs) but for dating I'd maybe be okay with someone 3 years younger. Anything more than that is pushing it.
I have dated older before (12 year gap) and given how that went I would also now cut my limit on older guys to within 3/4 years.
No. 161018
>>160941Not much you can do but work towards one of you getting a place and renting it independant of any family or family friends.
This all sounds like the teen version of being 'very much in love' though.. it might not translate to reality once you are actually adults living on your own.
No. 161100
>>161007How old are you, anon? I assume around twenty, since you said you're in uni? As someone a bit older, I'd say one of two things is possible: a)his friend is actually interested in you, or b)they have maybe some sort of deal going on, like a challenge or such, you understand? Either way, it's clear the guy sees himself as your ex (maybe already flirting w/ smbd else), so either he gave his friend "permission" to chase you, now that you're not "his girl" anymore; or there may be something shadier going on. Depends on the type of person he is, how serious things were between you two in the first place, the type of person you are etc.
No. 161158
>>161009>>161024Thank you for your insight! What really matters to me is the fact that you also think that my decision to cut him off was correct. I do agree that the fb friend request isn't that big of a deal, but considering the circumstances I can't help but feel suspicious.
>>161100Yeah, I'm 19 lol. As far as I know, the guy friend has a gf. But who knows, the few times we had talked he was overly friendly with me.
But what kind of "challenge" do you envision? I consider my ex and his friend to be pretty much "drama-free" and chill, that's why I don't imagine them plotting something shady, but idk really…
No. 161168
>>161158Okay, maybe that wording was a bit dramatic, but you say the guy has a gf? It seems a bit suspicious that he would contact you, just as you became single, don't you think? Also, what a lazy/cowardly way for your ex to end it, you did well for deleting him out of your socials!
I mean, it's your life, so I'm not telling you what to do, and some people are indeed very friendly, but at that age (at any age, really!) men don't look for just a friend of the opposite sex. Just a heads up, who knows!
No. 161221
>>161208You can be friends first with a dude from online dating, too. I was friends with a guy from Tinder, my current boyfriend, for few months before we even touched hands lol. I was also a virgin and with a similar mindset as you, I just wanted to try out intimacy, gain some experience. (I didn't tell him I was a virgin, just waited a longer time to have sex, so I was sure he's a good choice)
So, if a hook up is not what you're looking for, weed out the horny coomers and talk with people who want to get to know you. Maybe it will come up in a conversation, but tbh you don't have to state you're a virgin at all. And I would advise not admitting to it until you get to know him enough to judge that he's a decent person, because for many guys you'd be a trophy.
Just be patient and picky, not everyone is there just to hook up.
No. 161240
>>161213Ugh, sounds like I'll have to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable ghosting.
>>161221The way your relationship progressed is so lovely! It's relieving to know that there's an actual chance at normalcy.
Thank you for the advice and motivation, guys. If any matches get weird about taking it slow, I'll just tell them to fuck off.
No. 161245
>>161241I think the other anons mean you don't have to disclose it
immediately, but sure, after you've dated for several months and vetted him, if you decide you're ready, I don't see an issue with saying you're a virgin then. If you disclose it immediately, you're going to get virgin chasers who are only sticking around to "deflower" you.
>>161208>>161240NTA, but I recommend looking into stretching your hymen yourself, on your own time. Yes, the hymen can break in a lot of ways before sex, but sometimes it doesn't and it can make your first time incredibly painful. I used tampons for years, masturbated with fingers, etc, but nothing broke my hymen until I finally had sex. I wish I had done it myself because my first boyfriend was a total piece of shit and thought he owned me because he "popped my cherry." Consider using a dildo before sex if you want to avoid that part.
No. 161252
>>161241It's basically always amazing for the man. If they're inside you, 98% of the time they're gonna cum unless they get too anxious and in their own heads. I don't know if anon has watched porn (not that I recommend it) but if she has or is familiar enough with her vagina to put her fingers, a tampon, dildo, whatever inside it then doing so with a dick isn't much different. I know a good amount of women who didn't tell the first guy they were with they were virgins and none were the wiser. After all, even women who have had sex before can still be… I won't say "bad" in bed but more passive, so a girl simply lying back and spreading her legs isn't something most guys are unused to. (Sorry for the blunt image.) All this to say, if you want to give someone a heads up then fine, but you don't have to. And I definitely recommend
>>161245 advice where you don't say anything until you're several months in/more serious. Otherwise guys get all weird and fetishy about it.
No. 161288
>>161241he won't notice because sex is not rocket science, most people are not very "skilled" at it anyway. Also, they say it's always a bit awkward with a new person, no one expects fireworks in the beginning. You can just play it off as "I'm not very experienced" if you're anxious but don't won't to admit to being a virgin. I did as
>>161245 said, stretched my hymen myself, didn't admit to being a virgin because the whole construct and how it's treated angers me, I hate the idea of a man "taking it" so I decided the whole act will belong only to me. He didn't notice at all and my first time was nice, no pain, no discomfort. You could say I'm more experienced now, but is it that different than in the complete beginning? Not really, I only know better what works for me now. So don't be scared of appearing "new to this" etc.
No. 161302
>>161301I've personally always known, ever since a child. I never felt the opposite way or doubted.
>She's emphasized that she'd still love to travel with kids but idk… it just seems much harder to do it that way. Thoughts?Even if that's true, that's not a reason to have kids. You need to genuinely want them. It's true that you might change how you feel about having kids, but be very careful if that change happens, that it's natural and genuine. Don't let your judgement cloud for the sake of your gf.
I think a person who wants kids for sure and a person who doesn't want kids aren't compatible in a relationship. Either one's going to not have their way and resent the other for it, it's inevitable.
No. 161309
>>161301By 19/20 I was fairly certain I'd never change my mind. At 27 I dated a guy with one kid from a previous relationship. The kid being 11 and only visiting on weekends.. I really thought I could do it but I learnt that no I desperately wanted back my relaxing weekends after a stressful work week.
I wanted space and quiet time and date nights and my home to not have unpredictable mess and noise in it. I was working hard and then spending my weekends doing everything I could to accommodate the needs and wants of his son and I had no fun downtime ever. We'd no time as a couple, no holidays away. Every special occasion came with added stress. Maybe that makes me sound bad but I put on a brave face and tried so hard to fit around them and put my needs last. Every Sunday night when he drove the son home to mom I'd give him a big hug goodbye and as soon as they'd left I'd cry at the thought of the 24 month lease I had signed after this man told me we'd manage to still have time to ourselves.. I was naive to think it would work. I know that's not the same as having a child from the start obviously but I regretted even the small commitment of that lease so much that I can't begin to imagine how people feel if they get talked/nudged into actual parenthood by a partner.
Imo it's the number one thing that a couple needs to agree on.
No. 161372
>>161356I know it feels unfair to be blessed with mental illness in the first place and to then feel abandoned at those low points is a kick in the gut.. But it only feels worse if years into dating they leave over it. 6 months in he didn't waste alot of your time, if that's any consolation in this.
One of my exes contacted me years after a break up to say he'd just had a panic attack for the first time and he was suddenly so so sorry for often walking away from me when I had them.. If its a case of 'I haven't directly experienced something so I couldn't possibly have empathy for it' then move on safe in the knowledge that it would've been an unavoidable break up. Don't beat yourself up.
No. 161458
>>161448>My ex-bf is kindIs he, though? He broke up with you because you have mental health problems - shit excuse if you're grieving and getting help, and lets you live at his place in, let's say it, exchange of sex. Does it sound kind?
The most important thing is for you to get independent. Look for a job so you can move out. It's always very cathartic when you're no longer a slave to someone's "kindness". I'm sure it will help your mental health. It won't be easy, but it's possible to be your own support system. You just have to be extremely kind to yourself. Grab a self-help book (or a few) and try to follow what they say, for example Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, or The Power of Now. You're in a difficult situation but we humans are so adaptable and strong. I'm sure you'll be fine, but you need to put some work into it. Nothing can change if you stay in the same place. Small steps, small decisions but do them.
No. 161468
>>161448Look into getting on temporary benefits and getting housing, as an ex he won't stay that accomodating forever. Finding somewhere else to live is your top priority right now.
I've been there from the newly deceased mom to the lack of income to the post break up sex.. you need to put all your energy into getting out, not staying put and fucking this guy.
No. 161469
>>161464Move on and be glad you only wasted a week feeling this frustrated.
Take a break and work on your mental health before you look into dating again. It's not normal to be this dependant on someone only a week in. To have your moods dictated by them…You're clearly not in a good headspace to be dating anyone, especially not a man who is this detached.
No. 161471
>>161448It’s great that you are seeking help. Your boyfriend is not a nice person. Stop being intimate with him. If you are living and sleeping with him, then what makes it different? I don't know where you live so it's impossible to give practical tips for improving your housing situation etc.
>>161458Self help books are not meant for clinically depressed people. A healthy person can benefit from motivational messages but mentally ill people need proper professional care. I had to learn this myself by the hard way.
I’d start with getting help for your mental health. If I were you, I would keep seeking other apartment options but it's better to live with crappy ex than be homeless.
No. 161472
>>161470Staying single or knowing when to walk away is something you can do for yourself.
I can relate because I was similar a few years ago. But I got good at walking away from the shitty relationships that I at one point would've clinged to forever.
No. 161894
>>161882You don't sound that crazy to me. If I'm reading this right, it sounds like he's scrutinizing minor aspects of how you deliver your point instead of your point itself, so he makes you feel wrong instead of making an attempt to understand you. If you recognize that your points are still
valid, but your disagreements end with you feeling ashamed and insane then it doesn't seem like you guys have a constructive relationship. I don't think you should tolerate someone who is supposed to be committed to being supportive, and compassionate towards you having a habit of speaking down to you. My family would do exactly what you're saying and worse, completely negating my actual points, which would escalate into over-analyzing a casual conversation. I've tried leveling with them, but the same behavior would always turn up no matter the context, and it became really tiresome. Maybe there's hope for you guys to resolve this, though. Try approaching the subject with him gently, yet maintain your points, and see them through. If you can't come to some compromise, or he keeps belittling your opinions, then you should reconsider why you're still with him.
No. 161941
so i've been in a ldr if you could even call it that for almost two years now, we were just internet friends that caught feelings for eachother, whatever. Never have actually met. Tried to make plans last year but my indecisive ass couldn't pick a place and then when I told him he should pick, he said he would later this year because he despises the heat. Anyway, come september I remind him that he still hadn't picked a place to meet at or a date. explain how it seemed he was putting it off and that I didn't want to meet next day per say but wanted a date to look forward to yknow, like between the days of x and x. So he gave me the date and I was happy, he didn't pick a place but it was whatever bc he still had around two months to pick and I thought he was just being picky wanting to impress me with the spot.
Anyways, beginning of december, days before we're supposed to meet, he tells me how he has covid and has to quarantine for 14 days. Our date is a few days outside those 14 days but still, I obviously don't want to meet with him.
So yeah idk if he's lying about it anons. I want him to get better, but idk if its time to move on. He probably knew that the only way I would say no to meeting was if he had covid. Granted he's exposed to a lot of people at his workplace, but what are the odds of working all these months and never catching the virus? and then I'm busy january-february and by march it'll be hot again and he'll probably say lets meet around sept-december. Who knows what he'll come up with next year
No. 161953
>>161946>>161944Not really. I'm very socially anxious, work from home, and most of my hobbies are online. Not like I really care for meeting anyone, I just happened to connect with him and meeting seemed like the reasonable next step. Any advice on how I should go about distancing myself from him? Is it even worth talking it out or just block him everywhere. It honestly all seems so cringy when I think about it, like little kid stuff. If he actually liked me we would've met already.
I do like talking to him so maybe we could remain friends dunno
No. 161959
>>161947I mean, the fact he wanted to kiss you is a pretty strong indicator that he finds you (physically) attractive. Some guys try to avoid saying as much because they know women are inundated with "omg yur so hawt I wanna bang" and that just comes across as shallow, desperate and gross. I would take it as a sign of him being respectful, especially since you're not even officially together yet (it seems)? If anything, you turning down the kiss is going to seem like
you're not interested. I would be upfront with him and just ask whether he thinks you're attractive if it's bothering you, so he knows you're okay with it. My boyfriend is actually like this too, mostly because he's a bit shy. But after I told him I like hearing that he appreciates my looks he's much more forthcoming. So go for it and don't hold back on your end if you like him too, otherwise that's going to give mixed signals!
No. 161964
Vent/wanting advice, on my phone so excuse the formatting blah blah.
I'm in a relationship where the guy I'm dating is older. He's really sweet and hasn't been disrespectful towards me or anything in spite of us spending multiple nights together and in close proximity. I feel like I've "seen" him in different circumstances but I've yet to stress test certain other things. He's not a typical scrote which is good, he's vocal about his sensitivities and is communicative.
I do have one really bad feeling though: He's unaccomplished and complacent with it. Don't get me wrong. He has a master's degree the same as I do. He has good work ethic in that he goes to his job, takes it seriously, isn't tardy, etc. But the pay is extremely low and I admit that I'm a bit resentful that despite being older than me (having had more time to have tried to build himself professionally) and being male (benefitting from patriarchal standards like being offered job promotions easier and assumed more competent by default)…he's done nothing besides stay as a store cashier supervisor–no, not a manager. Although he'd been offered to be trained for more responsibility at some point he said he declined because he wants a steady worklife balance. Okay, I get that, store managers don't often have great worklife balances and tons of stress. Try a different career, like an office job like myself? Nah, he doesn't want that. I guess he wants to teach but tbh for his age he's waaaaaay late in the game to be getting into that as someone not certified and has never gotten into education, like he wouldn't be making jackshit for money. He taught privately oversees in Belgium in his early 20s but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to teaching here.
I can be a pickme and try to pretend like money isn't a big deal, but it is. I need a man who makes decent pay, not someone who's just going to be my roommate that I fuck, and be screwed if I ever find myself out a job. I wanna know what it's like to be those pampered women who barely work and have the majority of their life provided for. I'm not asking to be spoiled, I just want the security of knowing that if I needed to be taken care of, that it were possible.
I worked hard and struggled to be seen in my industry, and only after a time of being undervalued and rejected that I finally got a salaried job. Whereas I am so positive that if a male were in my shoes and worked as hard as I did, he'd be making twice my salary right now. Because that's the preferential treatment I've seen men get from a quarter of the work. Not bitter, just reality. I make okayish money, which is made mediocre due to my debts trying to get to this point.
We talked about things like buying a house and family down the road, but unless he really pushes himself to make more money somehow I literally can't entertain those things with him. Like I might as well do it alone if he's going to barely skirt by with a low level job. It just seems unfair to be putting in all this work-as if my job is easy and no stress-and expected to be the default parent to kids someday, while this man gets to have an easymode job. Sorry, but, I'm bothered and I can't pretend.
Should I write him a letter laying out how I feel in better terms? I think I can reason with him but he is sensitive and I don't want to seem like I'm attacking or being combative. It's been less than a year but this issue is very important to me. Fortunately we don't plan to move in together until the summer so I still have time to decide if I want to see him through.
No. 161968
>>161964Imo it's completely fine if you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to get a better paying job despite being able to, but he's also not in the wrong for not wanting that.
But sure, writing it down in a letter is a good way to get your thoughts and feelings across.
No. 162458
File: 1607367925540.jpg (72.61 KB, 1200x1163, 139735-140263.jpg)
>Be me, f24, bf m29, happy relationship full of laughter and hugs
>January ltr until June, I move to his city to study postgrad (not because of him, was going to do this anyway), date in person from June to present
>First relationship, having all my firsts with him
>Know self and know I want a relationship that will ‘go somewhere’, want to date to marry/have kids, don’t want a stagnant relationship
>He lives with his parents, has not told them about me, he is 2nd-gen Indian, I’m white
>Says he wants to keep his private life private, tells his parents he is with his friends when he spends time with me
>Told him I love him a month ago, he says he’s not ready for that yet
>Looking for housemates for next year (It’ll be my final year of study), housemate asks why I’m not considering moving in with bf, nervously laugh when the subject is brought up
How do people in relationships have talks about where something will go and what kind of a relationship they’re in? I used to just worry about beginning to have sex late and what it would mean but it seems I’m a complete social incompetent in general.
Wat do, anons?
No. 162473
>>162458 He wants to keep his private life private…shouldn't you be his private life? Basically what he's saying is he wants to keep you private, as in hiding you? From his family, who should be the first people to share his happiness with? I mean, you're not teenagers anymore, right?
Just my opinion, but I think you shouldn't make any future plans as far as he's concerned. Also, do you feel like he's making efforts to meet your expectations, or is it one sided only?
No. 162475
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>>162474>>162473>>162461>>162471Thanks guys, I feel like with things like this I just can't really judge what's normal because it’s all so new to me.
I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage lately to ask questions like, ‘What would your family think of me? Do you think they’d like me?’ It’s so awkward navigating what might be a cultural difference I just don’t get, but you’re right-it does kind of give me a pang when I’m next to him while he’s on the phone with his mom and telling her he’s with soandso.
>I think you shouldn't make any future plans as far as he's concernedSadly, I fear you’re right on that anon.
No. 162479
>>162458>almost 30 year old bf has been dating you for almost a year, won't say he loves you, hides your existence from his parentsAnon, absolutely none of this is normal and you deserve much better. I'm assuming this is not his first relationship, so he should have some idea what he's looking for. Anyone in their late 20s who's still this noncommittal is not worth your time. Age is pretty important here, it's not like you're in high school and he's dating behind his parents' backs. Even if his parents are somewhat traditional, being in a relationship is pretty expected at his age. There is no good reason for him to keep it a secret, unless he has no intent to be serious with you.
I think you should be assertive and ask where the relationship is going because it sounds like he's content at keeping things casual forever.
Also, by 2nd gen, you mean his parents were born here, correct? Even if they're immigrants and maybe don't speak English that well, a man at that age who cares about you is going to introduce you and make sure they're aware of you. My ex's parents spoke very little English, but we met each other after 2 months.
No. 162531
so i got out of a very long-term relationship a few months ago and since late october i've been hooking up with one of my friends, and everything was super chill for a while but lately things have been getting weird? he's one of my best friends at this point and our relationship has admittedly always been a little flirtatious but things have gotten to a point where i'm not sure it's entirely casual anymore.
we've hung out like, at least once a week for the last ~6 months and since december started it has been even more often because he took the month off of work, we talk to each other constantly, and every weekend i sleep over at his house, in his bed. for a while we were just fucking and maintaining our friendship but now things seem like they're veering in a different direction? i'm not sure how to describe it because it's not necessarily big stuff, but he's been a lot more physically affectionate with me outside of sex, giving me head kisses and shit when no one else is around, complimenting me more, wanting to spend even more time with me than usual, when i sleep over we cuddle and kiss each other a lot more than previously, the last time we hooked up he hit me with "nobody's perfect but you're pretty close," he has gotten me way too much shit for christmas, like more than any of his other friends, and like… i'm dense as fuck when it comes to identifying when someone has feelings for me but this one seems kind of obvious??
the biggest issue is that he's going away for 6 months for work at the end of the month and won't be back until summer. i don't know if he is interested in me beyond hooking up or if he wants a relationship or what, but i'm not ready to date anyone yet and i definitely don't want to get into a long distance relationship right now either. at the same time, i'll admit that i've started simping a little bit, and while i'm not certain how i feel i know that i feel more than friendly towards him at the moment.
idk, i guess mostly i wanna know if it seems like his behavior indicates that he feels some type of way because i really am just super autistic about this shit and while i have my suspicions i truly do not know how to interpret things so if any of you with more emotional intelligence than i possess have any thoughts let me know. secondary to that, how the fuck do i deal with the next 6 months? i spend a stupid amount of time with him and going from seeing each other constantly to not seeing each other at all for half a year has me stressed af. i feel like this is very disjointed so i'm sorry if i sound like a sperg i'm just so confused and unsure of what to do and i don't want to fuck up my relationship with him in any way.
what do
No. 162536
>>162531samefag but i just remembered also that we spent thanksgiving together because neither of us went home to see our families, and he met my dad while he was helping me move (which he also helped SO much with) recently and asked me later what my dad thought about him which i thought was a little odd but brushed it off, but in retrospect, well, i feel kinda dumb
he also built me a whole ass commander deck for MTG completely unprompted and themed it around the cards i like and just now he asked me to come wrap presents and put up his christmas tree and decorate this week, too
y'all
am i just an idiot
i feel like maybe i'm a big fuckin idiot
No. 162544
My boyfriend gets into depressive episodes when things don't go out the way he imagined.
Lately, he's been trying to find another job and every interview has been a dead end, either they reschedule or just straight up forget the interview occurring that day and just drop him. I've gone to interviews with him, sitting in the car, so I know he's not making anything up.
After the initial disappointment, he makes very uncomfortable statements like how he wishes he wasn't alive and no one will listen to him or care about him or how everybody wants him dead. I don't know how to make him feel better. He does this often, at least once every other week, he'll say similar statements because of stressful situations that happen at his job.
I'm just wondering if it will ever get better for him. I've been dating him for 6 years and we live together and there were extended periods of time where he didn't feel the need to say how he hopes he dies in a car crash. It's gotten to a point where it's affecting me and now I have moments where I tell myself I don't want to come home and find out he actually went through and killed himself.
I've told him he should start to look for a therapist and even the therapists are not answering his emails or calls. I know it's an unfortunate situation, but I honestly don't know if I have the patience anymore to keep worrying if more bad luck will come his way and I will be burdened with the repercussions of him losing his life. I just don't want to be there for that moment, if it happens.
I feel like an asshole.
I want to escape that situation and would be better off being alone than dealing with the loss of my depressed boyfriend because of repeated instances of bad luck. At the same time, I have no idea if my next relationship will be riddled with bad luck as well, I guess I just need someone who doesn't react so negatively to bad luck like my boyfriend does to the point where I just worry and worry if the depression will get to him. Is this rational? Is this a rational excuse to want to break up with someone? What makes things even more frustrating is we're moving to another apartment in a couple weeks. We signed the lease and everything. I just have hopes things will turn out for the better in the coming months.
>>162536If he's concerned about how your family feels about him, there's definitely something deeper he's thinking about when it comes to you, but at the same time you mention he's about to leave for a few months. I am assuming, if he's not considering you his girlfriend, he's probably nervous about being away for so long so he's making up for the time lost. I dunno, definitely ask him straight up if you get the chance.
No. 162578
>>162561>It felt like a total violation of my trust, and like he lacked respect for me as a person.That's not "felt like" that
is a total violation of your trust and lack of respect for you as a person.
No. 163026
File: 1607752943197.jpg (7.67 KB, 235x247, dc2f2f99acd7d9f2cfff678206289b…)
so uhh i have boyfriend who is very anxious and even to the point of overthinking and thinking im doing things behind his back, even if im not. I really try to be very careful that i don't invalidate his feelings or misunderstand how hes feeling. It's mostly betrayal and cheating hes afraid of which i do understand since he had exes who did that kind of stuff to him. I really want to know what i should say to him and how to help him with his anxiety.
I really love him and appreciate him, and it really hurts to see him being in pain constantly because of past things that still bother him to this day. I just want things to get fixed for him, him seeing happy and healthy is my only goal right now for him.
so anons, what should i tell him? what should i do to make him feel better? and what can i do so he feels secure and confident in our relationship?
thank you in advance
No. 163030
>>163026Why are you acting like his mental health is your responsibility? You haven't done anything wrong, you shouldn't have to do anything to fix it. If his irrational paranoia is actually due to anxiety rather than just being a jealous asshole who doesn't trust you, and if he gives a single fuck about treating you with respect, he should be seeing a therapist and actively working on improving himself.
The amount of emotional labour you're trying to do for a guy who is exhibiting a common
abusive trait is just not right.
No. 163037
>>163026Anon, I've dated guys like this and it's such a common manipulation tactic. They say they're traumatized from a cheating ex, so they need to always know where you are, who you're with, what you're doing, who you're texting, etc, or they say you don't care about them. You wind up walking on eggshells and not hanging out with other people because he thinks you're going to cheat when you're not around him. It leads to a controlling relationship where you always feel like you have to make up for something.
>>163030 is right, he needs to address his issues with therapy and not accuse you of doing shit behind his back. If he's really that paranoid, there is
nothing you can do to make things better. It's like assuring someone with OCD that they did indeed lock the door; they're not gonna believe you. The problem is with him.
No. 163047
>>163026It’s not your job to fix him.
If you’ve already expressed your support for him as his girlfriend then you don’t have anything more to do. He’s not even “happy and healthy” around you and is constantly worried you’re betraying him. Insecurity is one thing, but he sounds pretty pathetic. He needs to get over it or seek help from a professional.
No. 163050
>>163026You can't really do anything that will directly help him fix his anxiety. You know you can't tell him "I won't cheat on you so don't be anxious" because that's not how anxiety works. Overcoming anxiety and overthinking is a process on the inside. It's something he has to work through himself, maybe with professional assistance.
Your role as an outside factor is a passive one: you can't actively fix him but you can be loyal and understanding, therefore not worsening his anxiety and supporting healing once it sets in. From what you've said it seems you're already doing that.
No. 163065
Putting this here cause who needs another relationship rant in the vent thread?
I met and started dating my current bf over the summer. Right off the bat he confessed he was still renting with his ex, who's legally still his wife. I contacted her through social media and she confirmed he was telling the truth, they were sleeping in separate rooms and that their marriage had been over for a couple of years, and that they had married too young, etc.
At first I saw it as a warning but my bf painted the situation as if he was being considerate cause the truth of the matter is that she is chronically underemployed, can't drive, and has no friends or family. He was willing to endure their remaining lease cause she can't afford a place herself so it would have bought her time to get her shit together or find another man to live with. Instead? She's been fucking around with another married man who is not going to help her and is blatantly using her for sex. Aka not really getting her shit together. I did feel empathy for her because their relationship had been for over a decade and she didn't seem like the type to easily adjust to things. He insisted she wouldn't be a problem. Fucking. Guess.
She's mental.
It started as her banning my boyfriend from their apartment on certain days and locking him out. He pays half the rent there. As a result my boyfriend started to spend all his time at my apartment. In part I like the time and attention, but another factor is he's too scared to handle her outbursts. I know he tries to be helpful here by doing dishes, taking out the trash, buying me snacks. He's nice to me and isn't mean or rude. But the matter is he doesn't pay me any rent money and he's constantly short on cash to do anything. So it's been really peeving me that he's paying for another woman's rent so she gets a place all to herself. That's bullshit. But whenever he steps foot in that apartment, she starts a fight over something. She threatens suicide whenever he says anything to her and doesn't get her way.
The second issue had been their divorce proceedings. There has been delay with the paperwork due to covid, so I had to keep asking my bf because he's one to avoid her confrontations. Thankfully she agreed to a no contest divorce. When he finally obtained and signed the divorce papers from the law firm, and when she was meant to be served the papers for her to sign the other day, she pretended she wasn't home.
Turns out she's now making demands before she signs them. One of them is teaching her how to drive…this is a grown ass woman who's older than me. So bf like usual was venting to me about her, and because I'm a supportive gf I entertained it.
Bf was a fucking idiot and left his unlocked ipad at their apartment after one of his stops to pick up stuff. Apparently his texts between me and him were pinging off on the ipad so this bitch unlocked the ipad to read EVERYTHING ever texted between me and my bf. Including the part where bf went off about her not signing the divorce papers and I responded with a "Haha."
She then proceeded to confront me over social media to call me two-faced, a traitor, insisting I had turned my bf into a monster against her, I wasn't a good person, and that I stole her "best friend" from her. What the fuck!
I told her she violated a major boundary and crossed the line. It made me so fucking mad because I never talk about her at all, and I'm usually the one telling bf to be nice to her to keep the peace. The only reason why I entertained my bf ranting about the divorce papers was because I was trying to be a supportive person–not to mention that she was objectively being a blackmailing shithead so I didn't feel bad. She did this to me while I was at work. I told her any other woman would have cussed her out and blocked her for that audacity.
I did wind up blocking her.
Now bf is whiny at me because I forbade him from stepping into my apartment again until those divorce papers are signed and I see proof.
I also demanded that after she signs the divorce papers, that he finds a way to move out. I told him if he struggles with any of this that he needs to talk to a lawyer instead of assuming what can and can't be done. Apparently his apartment won't allow him to break the lease unless it's a domestic violence situation. He may be able to get a restraining order if he can prove she's unhinged, so maybe. Cause he definitely doesn't have the money to pay the remaining months of rent off. Even if he did, there's a possibility she'd just pocket his half of the money and spiral them in unpaid rent because she's that spiteful. Whatever, I told him that if he really wanted something with me that he would find a way to make this work.
He whined that I was "punishing" him and whined that I was trying to "break us." I didn't indulge that manipulative bs for a second and said he'd get it done or that I'd walk. I've been far too fucking patient.
I'm so mad at him. I'm so mad that he didn't take care of this divorce shit until he started dating me. I'm mad that he insisted things would be okay when it turns out this woman is a nutcase.
I'm so fucking mad because I thought I found a respectful guy after so many assholes, just to betray me by dragging me into this crazy ex nonsense.
My friends think it's bullshit. My dad thinks I should give him an opportunity to fix things because he's been good to me and I shouldn't jump to ruining things. But obviously if I don't draw a line in the sand then the situation is just liable to be dragged out even further than it already has been.
No. 163137
File: 1607862195228.jpeg (27.47 KB, 360x359, A238032E-1EF6-4852-B5D2-28EE80…)
It’s been 2 months. Do I respond
I miss laughing because of him and how good of a listener he was
No. 163217
File: 1607916646311.jpeg (81.76 KB, 1079x1031, 4C437F54-1BFA-43FC-9836-450B92…)
>>163139It was me who didn’t respond for 2 months. I’ve left him on read for longer but he still replies with a sense of earnest that makes me feel deluded to think that he was waiting for me. I feel like I’m playing a game with him that he didn’t sign up for and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m moving this to confessions because I am going to take your advice and cut contact with him.
No. 163296
>>163223I have questions:
1. Why don't you get to have a tinder account?
2. Why does your third have to be a woman instead of a man? (Btw it is a unicorn by definition).
3. Do you even want this?
4. What do you hope or expect that introducing a third romantic and sexual partner for your man is going to do for you and the relationship?
No. 163353
File: 1608081326241.png (Spoiler Image,145.32 KB, 674x1354, Screen Shot 2020-12-15 at 8.09…)
>>163344>>163345Thank you, anons ♥ I'll probably try again once my finals are out of the way. If that doesn't work, I'll reach out to his family. I'm the type to go through every possible case scenario because my brain needs to rationalize everything that happens in the world, even if I know some things just happen for no reason.
Anyway, these are our last texts. Nothing seems out of the ordinary to me, personally.
Please don't bully for how cringe we are kek. This is my first relationship and we're likely still going through the honeymoon phase No. 163362
>>163331To ghost you like this in a relationship of over a year is totally unacceptable behavior and you need to put your foot down, if not break up with him for disrespecting your feelings. I'm in a relationship with a similar distance. Communicating by text or call is very important if you're not seeing each other as frequently as couples who live closer together.
If this is one of his first relationships, I might give him the benefit of the doubt and think well he just didn't really know and men are stupid. But if it's not from a lack of experience, he should know damn well that ghosting for two weeks is super not okay. If you don't hear back I'd just assume you're not dating anymore and get back in the game.
No. 163405
>>163402imo this is a major red flag and something that, at least for me, would be an immediate, pretty major dealbreaker.
your boyfriend shouldn't get any say whatsoever when it comes to your virginity, especially if he's inconsiderate enough to flagrantly disregard your disinterest in marriage. it seems very possessive and patriarchal and you are not at all being immature for not being interested in marriage. you are, presumably, an adult, and you are more than welcome to make any choice you want in regard to sex and marriage, don't let anyone try to tell you you're wrong about what you want to do with your own body and your own life (unless you're doing meth anon don't do meth)
it seems to me like he's fetishizing your "purity" and especially if he's not also a virgin he seems kind of like a controlling dirtbag to me.
>>163404for real dude don't let some guy try to convince you to do or not do anything with your own body. and piv is certainly not just for having kids, as a woman who can generally only orgasm through external stimulation i would still say that piv is very fun and very pleasant as long as you're with the right partner. i don't want to sound condescending or rude so please forgive me if it comes across that way but you seem relatively young, and as someone approaching 30 i'm genuinely kind of appalled at your bf's behavior and would get the fuck out of there if i was you, if he doesn't care about something as big as whether you want to get married or have sex then he probably doesn't care too much about consent or, well, you. if he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't care enough about you for him to be worth your time. if there is one thing i've learned in my life it's don't let men exhaust you and wear you down into doing whatever dumbass shit they want. you're your own person and, while cliche, it is your body and your choice and no one has any right to tell you otherwise, especially not a partner.
No. 163406
>>163405I'm 21 anon!
And tbh I don't know if he's apprehensive because when he asked why I was still virgin whileso old I told him because I cared enough who I lost it to. I still don't think of myself as a high moral person solely for caring who I have sex with,and maybe he thinks this is what I really want. Based on what he's told me, he cared about his virginity when he was young and seems to be disappointed to have lost it to someone who cheated on him (stripping, and maybe prostitution) so his view on sex might be stained now and wants to relive it through me? that's what it seems like to me anyways rather than him being patriarchal.
I think if I frame piv in the way I see it (as something very lovingly intimate etc etc) he won't care so much about waiting for marriage maybe. I still haven't brought it up but your reply makes me want to prove him further because I'm afraid you're right and he's being ill intentioned.
No. 163423
>>163414>>163415All is good tbh anons, kinda
he basically said fine, if I feel like I'm ready then he's obvi fine too…………………………………………………….. I feel like he's secretly judging me though LOL
No. 163449
>>163428See the replies to
>>163026Trauma from past experiences should be addressed in therapy. If he can't trust anyone, he shouldn't be in a relationship. It shouldn't be on you to prove you're not like his exes, that's unfair to you and sets the precedent that you're the one who needs to "prove yourself" in the relationship.
No. 163613
>>163580>>163583Stfu pickmes . Have fun with Applebee’s
>>163594How was I am asshole?
No. 163614
>>163613None of those anons but I just love when people come into this thread, asking for advice, get answers they don't like, and immediately get defensive/push back. They're literally going based off the context you gave, which makes you sound like a terrible partner who's just mad
you weren't the one to break up with him. Play silly games, win silly prizes.
No. 163656
>>163630I'm sorry for your bad experience but it's not cheapness that makes men behave like assholes. If he had spent $100 on your date he still wpuld've been creepy and pushy, maybe even more so because of how much he'd spent.
And maybe I'm a poorfag surrounded by too many other poorfags but I never expected men to spend lots of cash on me. I expect time, committment, respect, etc. and I hold them to those standards and cut them off if they misbehave but money never played a role in it. I understand why women think money=good relationship but still.
>>163613So I'm a pickme because I know how to make my own money. My man takes me out to restaurants better than Applebees for the same price.
No. 163659
>>163579>So many girls on lolcow don't seem to have trouble landing guys who take care of the bills. I have no advice and agree that everyone should shoot for a guy willing to provide.
It's just that people greatly overestimate how "common" this is. In reality, most modern men expect their spouses to bring in an income and contribute to bills. I don't think those farmers are in very healthy relationship dynamics most the time tbh.
Imo if you find this "type," he's bound to be one of the following:
1. Normal guy willing to support you when you first meet & during times of duress but will ultimately start to resent you if he feels you don't do enough to earn your keep.
2.Religious dude who believes it's his place as a man to provide but the monkey's paw is he holds you down in other objectionable ways due to those same views.
3.
Abusive man who likes the control he gets out of you being financial co-dependent which is never beneficial for you.
4. Desperate pleb who tries to buy love cause he doesn't have what it takes, his insecurities much justified by how nasty his personality is and how putrid his appearance.
5. A rare, genuinely empathetic man who recognizes the contributions his partner brings and takes it as a source of pride and being a good human to spoil his lady.
We all know the types that the majority of women end up with…even farmers in those relationships.
No. 163680
>>163679Pretty much what you said. He's an asshole but tries to hide it online.
It's normale to be more or less abrasive depending on who you're with (the jokes I make with my friends will never reach my employer's ears), but getting that mad at a barista is bottom of the barrel stuff.
No. 163721
File: 1608412616252.png (49.09 KB, 170x178, tumblr_fe7548b6bb725b1f731c8f7…)
I'm really needing help. This situation is a mess, and if you get frustrated with me for letting it drag on this long I understand. I would really, really appreciate alternative suggestions to just "break up", but if that is genuinely all you can think of, then that's fine, too.
Just to set up the situation for context, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We are both 20, so do the math… We are each other's first actual relationship. We both have asperger's, and I think the combination of this + lack of prior experience can really throw a wrench in our relationship at times due to confusion, lack of standards, bad communication at times, etc. But I'm generally pretty tolerant because at the end of the day, I enjoy spending time with him mostly.
We live together, in his dad's house, with plans to get our own place once we have enough saved. my situation with my family is pretty bad, so I am dependent on staying here a lot. This is mainly why I want to avoid or put off breaking up if possible, because right now I honestly lack the means to find my own place right now and going back home to my family is like a death sentence. We also work at the same place, and so I'd probably have to find an entirely different job.
But he just doesn't really make me happy lately. He has a long standing porn addiction which really interferes with our sex life. I honestly feel pretty bad for him regarding the addiction because it's been a thing for him since he was old enough to even like, a response to porn. Pretty sad. But the only kind of "sex" we ever have is oral for him and nothing for me. I've brought it up a million times and he vows he will try harder for me but he just doesn't, so I have given up. He also seems to have very conflicting views on my body. Now, admittedly it has been a long time since he's said anything like this and we WERE in high school, but he used to call me fat very often. I have an eating disorder now and honestly? I really can't find anyone to blame but him for this. It feels cruel but to this day I dont even really want to be exposed around him even though he says he likes the way I look and even preferred me at a heavier weight (according to him, the "fat" comments were compliments. He is a sperg, so this might really be true). He is generally pretty unaffectionate which he blames on stress (says he forgets to show affection to me because he is stressed) but it just hurts. At this point it feels as though he is my roommate who occasionally will shove his dick in my mouth.
I don't know. Is there any fixing this? Help.
No. 163723
>>163721There’s really no reasonable alternative to breaking up. The facts are that he doesn’t care about your pleasure (completely neglecting you sexually), he doesn’t care enough to change (the lack of change and sperging out after you bring it up). You don’t even feel comfortable showing your body around him. The way your post is worded suggests you blame yourself for his shit to an extent, which is probably why you don’t want to break up - alongside the practicalities you mentioned, and the fact it’s all you’ve ever known. The relationship sounds unhealthy as does your mindset. If your conversations about changing have repeatedly got you nowhere, you need to give up. It takes two people to make a relationship work.
Can you move to a shared accommodation? Make a plan wrt your residence and job. I understand staying in the relationship until arrangements have been made but it does need to end eventually. You cannot waste even more years on this crap.
Trust me anon, I’ve been in similar situations before (fuck having a family you can’t rely on) and the break ups were messy and difficult, but I would not change it for the world. Only when you’ve left for a while do you begin to understand how much this shit drags you down. Get out and sort yourself out, so one day you can find a nice boyfriend who treats you like a person and wants to give you sexual pleasure (or find happiness in being single, whatever, just leave!)
No. 163724
>>163721I think you know that you two are not a match and it isn't working out. He was your first relationship, so it feels like it should be precious and special. It sounds like he was a big part of your maturity into adulthood, but I think it's time for you to let high school go and try to turn a new page.
That said, I don't think you should blame him for your eating disorder. Your mental health and your view of your body is YOUR responsibility, and nobody else's. You need to take control of your own emotions and self esteem, or else you can end up stuck with an uncaring boyfriend like this all over again.
Get your finances in order and figure out a new living situation. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
No. 163726
>>163721You've reached a point where you owe yourself to break up with him. You summed it up yourself perfectly by saying he's your roommate who'll occasionally shove his dick in your mouth.
You're still so young. I'd say go and enjoy being single for a while. Focus on yourself and on healing from this relationship and your eating disorder. Maybe have some casual fun if that's your thing. Someone much better will come on your path for sure.
Since you said you're dependent on living in with him, I'd say try to figure out housing before you break up. Is social housing an option for you?
No. 163744
>>163732Yeah I'm sure that'll fix the entitlement, disrespect, dehumanization and degrading comments. She should totally bend over backwards continuing to try and fix this fuck up while he benefits.
>>163721Just leave this pus bag, jesus christ. I'm sorry the situation with your family isn't great but it's got to be a better alternative than this. You're providing sexual favors for some asshole that treats you like shit and not even getting compensated (no I don't condone sex "work" but the point is how shitty it is). Do you not have
any money? You couldn't look for a roommate arrangement to extricate yourself? Be single and work on your self confidence as
>>163724 and
>>163726 said. Develop some standards and boundaries so this will never happen again. It's a shame because you've been conditionally literally since you were a child to accept bottom of the barrel treatment. Listen to us and understand that nothing about this is healthy or salvageable.
No. 163746
>>163724>>163723>>163722>>163726>>163728>>163744Oh wow, I didn't expect so many replies… I thought about it a lot, and you all are right. I had a pretty serious talk with him earlier where I let him know that I am definitely going to leave him if he doesn't shape up. I don't think he even considered me leaving to be a possibility, honestly. He seemed pretty shook up about it, and he's been trying harder today. I guess we'll see how it works out from here. I'm giving it a couple of months before I take action. I know it's kind of a half measure but really I couldn't leave right now even if I wanted to. And despite all the negative things I said about him in the post, he isn't completely terrible. The roommate thing was kind of harsh, admittedly I was upset at him when I wrote the post and I have a way of phrasing things harshly. he really is what I would consider my best friend and we're very close, he's just very horrible at being a boyfriend and has his own set of issues he seriously needs to deal with!
I hate to drag this out more, but in regards to moving out and leaving, I honestly am pretty lost when it comes to all that. I don't really have any older adults or guides in my life to ask for help for this type of shit. I'm hesitant to really ask about it in depth here since it's the relationships advice thread and not the general advice thread, so I might just take that over there.
No. 163754
>>163746> I don't really have any older adults or guides in my life to ask for help for this type of shit. I know it's comfortable to have someone more experienced in life guide you, but don't forget you have the internet at your fingertips. All the information you need is just a google search away. Not to mention there's always places where people are willing to give you advice or answer your questions. Maybe you can even get the help of a (free) social worker or something like that to assist you with finding new housing.
Good luck!
No. 163909
>>163776Mmmh nah it's extremely naive to think that relationship is gonna work out.
A guy having female friends is worse than him having boys who are womanizers or losers as friends.
And that's really saying something.
The only time men and women can really be "friends" is in a casual setting where they're not that attached.
And even then.
If you are dating someone who pays more attention and gets closer to women who aren't you, it's going to end in a public meltdown with those other girls acting smug about how much better they are than you.
Men who keep women around in active friendships get off on the pain they cause their girlfriends.
No. 163912
>>163776I have a boyfriend with lots of female friends, a few of which go back to high school, and it's never been an issue. I'm curious, would he also run down the hill for you or do other affectionate things with you in front of them? Things like hugging, holding hands, a little kiss–something that would signify that you are a pair? Remember that there's a reason they are his friends and you are the one he's dating, even if you're only a month in. Only time will tell.
Also
>>163909 you sound like you have something you need to get over. Grow up.
No. 163914
The only guy I knew that had more female than male friends turned out to be having/ trying to have sex with majority of them so I'm kinda feeling
>>163909 take, but at the same time I don't think it's fair to generalize;
>>163776 should just make sure she's treated like a girlfriend, not just friend, and that everyone knows their boundaries. just the fact he's nice to other women is more of a good sign than bad, as long as it doesn't go too far.
No. 163924
>>163909I had an ex like that, he would play it off that he's just a flirty person, but then he snuck off one time to do coke with them all and the absolute scenes I witnessed of him groping a few of them and them all giggling plus (the female friends) always giving me the cold shoulder was the end for us.
I spoke to my ex at the time that how close he was with other females worried me, especially since he told me he cheated on previous partners but was over that phase. He wasn't. My ex was in his 30s though, I think people coming out of college at like 21/22 will probably still have all their school mates, it's usually mid to late 20s those friendships dissolve if they were just based on being in close proximity to each other for years or whatever.
No. 164004
>>163991If you're bothered now, imagine how over this shit you'll be in a few years or when you're bombarded with all the responsibilities of parenthood. I'd have left his ass as soon as he defended the
abusive ex.
No. 164015
>>163991Ugh yes, get out. Reminds me of my ex who I told about yet another ex who groomed me at 18 when he was 15 fucking years older and he was like, "Oh that's terrible, but he must have had a lot of personal problems to do something like that, so I feel bad for him." Cool story brah, I'm sure you two will be very happy together now fuck off since you're choosing to empathize with the pedo rather than the manipulated girl who is now your partner. Lmao scrotes.
Your boyfriend is fully capable of changing how he responds to these issues with you if he actually gives a shit. Don't buy into any excuses. He either stops right NOW, or you'll be stuck with it forever. No "oh I forgot" or "oops yeah bad habit," nah. Somehow men are always effortlessly capable of behaving themselves around other men or their superiors at work but "forget" about things women have asked them. If he's half decent he'll shut up and take your thoughts seriously, if not he's not worth the air he breathes.
No. 164092
I already posted this on the vent thread but I also want actual advice lol so here goes:
The guy I like is confusing me a lot. I started university this fall and on the first day I met this dude, let's call him Z. He's very good-looking and seemed like a nice guy, so I of course became interested. We kept making a lot of eye contact and smiling at each other, which was a very good sign. When all our classes became digital because of corona (my country is a bit behind with the restrictions) he created a Discord server for the 18 people that were in our group during the first two weeks of the semester. I and a couple of other people, including Z, started talking frequently in the voice chat of the server while we studied or played League and subsequently became good friends. Me and Z also chatted privately on both Discord and Snapchat and bonded quickly, plus we started flirting.
One day he asked me to grab some coffee with him and I of course accepted. We had a lot of fun and sat at the café for almost four hours just talking, since we have a lot in common.
A few days after he invited me over to his place so that we could do some programming. We finally kissed that day and cuddled a bit. I've never been in a relationship before so I do not really know how long one should date before you can talk about becoming a couple, so right now I'm kinda confused. I've been to his place multiple times, we've played games, studied and cooked together and genuinely had a good time. He's even slept over at my place (we didn't have sex though, he asked if I wanted to but I wasn't ready and he understood, wasn't a dick about it).
Now, however, we haven't seen each other in a little over a month. I'm kind of shy so I've been scared of asking him to hang out, and the two times I tried he said "I don't know", instead of just saying "I can't today". He also hasn't been as flirty as he was before, which worries me cause it makes me feel like he isn't interested in me like that anymore?
However, we talk everyday on Discord or text, just about normal things that friends talk about. But when we're in voice chat he still sounds like he cares about me since his tone is different to when he speaks with the other people in the group.
I've tried telling myself it's because he's busy right now with all the finals (he's taken on two majors, so he has a lot of assignments), but I'm insecure so I've been wondering if he's still into me.
I'm probably overthinking this way too much but as I said I've never been in a relationship before (i'm also a virgin kek) so this is all new territory.
No. 164182
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How do I get my boyfriend to be more ambitious career-wise? am I just an uninspiring person? I don't think I'll ever want to merge our finances together, but I still want him to be job secure and hirable and be doing good financially, not just scrape by and have his position be one he may not have tomorrow. How do I get him to understand or budge at all? If I start requiring him to spend more money on me, will he think I'm expensive and realize he can't afford to be with me and get up his ass? I myself am not any better than him because don't have my degree yet either so it feels wrong for me to even ask this of him, but at least i'm enrolled? He's not even showing he's trying. I don't see how I could stay with him after I earn my degree, I need him to be on par with me, I hate the idea of being a sugar mommy, he's everything I could ask for in a man and then more, but I rather be alone than have an unambitious partner. It just feels ridiculous when he's told me in the past he wants me to form a family with him? I wish I had asked him how!? Would emasculating him somehow work here? something about how men are providers or something? I don't necessarily believe in that, but I think he should be my safety net. Everyone knows men's job prospects are endless and that they can easily take up almost any job on a whim if they have to whereas women's options are more limited. Then I'm also retarded so if I ever had to work in a male-dominated field, harassment would get to me and I would probably neck myself. I'm just not built to tolerate it and this isn't me with some victim complex. He's really the only guy I feel safe with and can get behind.
No. 164184
>>164182samefagging to add that he also has more resources than I do to move up educationally and I sort of resent him for not taking advantage of this whereas i'd die to be in his position. is it worth bringing up at all? we sort of talked about it and got nowhere so this is the aftermath of me thinking.
How do I let him know I don't take him as serious ltr material as I did before while still being with him? I'm not one to date casually so there's really no reason for me to stay other than me hoping I can motivate him this way
No. 164216
>>164184Honestly, he sounds extremely immature if he’s thinking about starting a family and not making any steps to better his career. It’s very hard to change the male outlook, since he feels comfortable thinking you’ll stay with him even if he doesn’t try to move up in the world, he will continue to be a lazy bum. In all honesty, you should have made this clear before you even started dating him if you don’t date casually. My boyfriend was similar, but from our first date I made it clear that I was a “high maintenance” woman and had high expectations of him, and that same month- he applied (and then got in) to a good university to do a degree with financially worthwhile career prospects. He should be spending money on you, I truly feel that one of the ways men show their love is through providing gifts and financial security, and you deserve to demand that from him if that is something you want. Try being straight up and talking with him, and tell him if he doesn’t change- you’re going to leave. You won’t be happy six years down the line if he’s still acting hapless, especially if you desire your partner to be ambitious.
No. 164448
Anons, I really need some advice on how to proceed here.
Over the past couple of months, since we hit the 1 year mark, my bf has been acting weird. just distant, less affectionate, etc. I pulled him up on it the other night and he told me that he always gets a bit weird at the 1 year mark, starts to overthink the future. I think it's as a result of quite a traumatic past relationship.
We talked for 4 hours and he was fretting over how we've not been able to spend time as a couple for the vast majority of our relationship (because of a combination of corona and us being long distance for a while at the start - we are in the same city now though for grad school), the fact that we don't share that many hobbies and what that means etc. I don't know if he's just freaking out about being committed long term, but when I said that the fact we've stayed together so long through so much external adversity is a testament to how much we like each other, he agreed and said he hadn't thought about it that way. He never brought up breaking up, but I did. I just said that I think breaking up over this freak-out would be a silly idea, and he agreed, and we had nice fun normal conversation after that, talking about how we would be able to see each other at New Year (we're in different cities for Christmas).
But now I just feel … so weird. Is this what it is to go through a rough patch? I have BPD so everything is very black and white and I can't stop catastrophizing and worrying that it's only a matter of time before something bad happens.
No. 164484
>>164482samefag but I can't believe my stepdad might've been right. They've had fights because she wouldn't give him her phone, idk when he became suspicious. I don't know if this is recent either or if it's been going on since back when they used to fight. I want to confront her and get clarification, and convince her to cut off ties with this coworker.
on another note, I share everything with my boyfriend, would it be a bad idea to tell him about this?
No. 164487
>>164480If I where you I'd let it go tbh, it's her bussiness. I'd feel differently about it if she was cheating on your biological dad, because that would really affects you and your homesituation too, but it's 'just' your stepdad. And since you're an adult I assume her relationship status affects you little to none.
> I know her password, so if she was cheating she would've changed it?Maybe she isn't tech-savvy enough to change it (my mom isn't) or she didn't want to raise suspicion by suddenly locking you out from her phone.
No. 164525
>>164487Yeah I don't really care and I'm not even close to him. But I live with her and can't just up and leave just yet, we both save a lot because we don't have to pay mortgage/rent (house is paid for already) and if we suddenly had to it would set me back/keep me stuck from continuing my education. So I don't want her to gamble this roof we have over our heads with her shitty decisions.
Also, a few years ago they went through a rough patch and were on the verge of getting a divorce, she told me she would NOT want any of his assets, properties, money. Which sucks because that would make her and by extension mine's lives a lot easier. She said if we had to go, then we would get a house and I would help her pay the mortgage. I'm fine with that except my mom is already old, in a few years she would have to stop working or I would want her to. I would have to be responsible for the house and taking care of her and I would never be able to actually leave. If I'm ever in a relationship, I'm not sure how it would work out. She's very judgmental and It'll prob get worse with age. Hopefully she mellows out but that would put a strain in my relationship. It's not like I want to abandon her but I'd rather visit her somewhere than have her in my own home, if that makes sense.
No. 164726
>>164695Just focus on yourself anon. Men are a mediocre distraction that are almost never worth it. Also, this is exponentially true when it comes to men on dating apps. You’re more likely to find a high quality man in the real world, doing things you love, being your best self, than you are sifting through the filthy fleshy masses on (barf) Tinder or whatever. You are very young and it’s so important to be financially independent. Don’t get sold on the narrative that you need to find a guy and start popping out babies within the next 5 years. You haven’t even had the chance to fucking live yet and rushing into a relationship, even a casual one, is only going to distract from you getting to know yourself and better understanding what you might actually benefit from in a partner. The people diving into these things headfirst often end up divorced within a few years or bogged down with 2.5 kids in a resentful marriage, wishing they hadn’t sacrificed their dreams to become a scrote’s bangmaid. And sure, there are women who “do it all,” but when you really talk to those women you’ll find they’ve all had to make compromises in one part of their lives or another, so it’s extremely important to find out what you even want into the first place before getting involved with someone who’s only going to drag you down.
No. 164749
>>164732Anon there's no point in exploring the psychology behind this behavior when you already had a talk with him about your expectations and he failed them regardless.
It's grounds to dump. Most women want their boyfriends and husbands to get them something for major occasions and holidays. If he can't do it, then you deserve someone who will and will make you feel wanted. I couldn't stand to be with such a selfish, thoughtless asshole.
This reminds me of my friend's low value scrote who she recently married after ten years of 'dating.' I hate her man, he's a skeevy asshole with no respect for anybody and least of all her. I could go on, but point being this: It's their first year of being married and he got her NOTHING for Christmas this year! That's despite her having shown him little things she wanted on the internet prior. She got him gifts! When she confronted him about it after our circle told her to, he came up with a billion excuses. For example, suddenly he cared about "consumerism on holidays" despite spending thousands on games and weeb merch throughout the year. My friend always gets him thoughtful gifts and generally does shit for him that would make other husbands jealous.
His solution was to throw some money at her after she complained, so basically shut up money. But who cares? This man is never going to see the value in making sure his wife feels appreciated and thought of. It's so sad anon, you don't deserve that and neither does my friend.
No. 164758
>>164732I agree with
>>164749 but I also wanted to give general advice: A lot of women tend to second-guess these problems and tell themselves things like "I don't want to make too much of a small thing, they're just presents, I don't want to break up over not getting presents/him forgetting my birthday/him doing other uncaring thing because that feels like I only want presents," but someone who doesn't get you
anything is not thinking about you. It's not about getting gifts, it's indicative of a larger issue that shows how little your partner cares.
It's perfectly fine to break up with someone if you feel like they're not putting in the same effort. You don't have to feel bad, you don't have to explain yourself or say it's because of the no gifts. If you feel like the energy is bad, it probably is. People who care don't leave you second-guessing.
No. 164801
>>164794They both have very different political views. He doesn't think politics should be a deal breaker though but my parents sort of do. The other thing is just me worrying that if for whatever reason something goes wrong that it will be like the end of the relationship.
If I ever get the chance to do a dinner that is… Id like to do a dinner but my mom keeps fussing the house is a mess and I need to clean everything. She is one of those prepper types and just leaves things all over the place. You can't even sit on the living room couch anymore and she expects me to do all of it. Then later on when I suggest eating out somewhere tells me im crazy because of covid and if we ever do then she expects him to pay for all of the food if we ever eat out… I can't tell if sometimes her standards are ridiculous or otherwise.
No. 164901
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I think my abusive ex is somehow monitoring my phone activity, specifically my texts and mic audio, possibly more. Does anyone have experience with this? I suspect this because he texted me something very specific that I was texting my mother about earlier and I don’t think it’s possible it’s a coincidence. This is really stressing me out.
No. 164925
Am I retarded and immature for considering this a breach of trust and having trouble moving forward from this even though it happened a couple months ago?
Basically there was an incident that my boyfriend was asleep (we usually are in a call 24/7 because we're on ldr and it's just comfy that way to feel like we are close.) anyway, I decided to hang out with a couple of my online friends because we haven't hung out together in a while since I started dating my bf, the friends are one girl and one guy. We get into a discord call and watch a couple movies. My boyfriend ends up waking up while my friends and I are watching the second movie. Bf tries to call me, I decline because I'm already in a call and I say I'm hanging out with my two friends who I address by their first names. My bf knows I am friends with these two people and from the start he was jealous of my online friend because he's a male and my bf is convinced male and females can't be friends for some reason. Anyway, bf gets super upset at me and says how he guesses I'm not a priority for him anymore and stuff. And I'm like, you are, I love you, and I'll call you as soon as this movie is over because I also don't want to accept my friends by flaking on them in the middle of this. Then he says "okay I guess I'll go play a game with my ex." for info, I knew he still had contact with his ex who he dated for eight years but from the beginning he made it seem like they only exchange messages like once every few months, if that, and that it's usually pretty short.
So obviously I'm like wtf really??? And he's like "you know I still talk to her." and I of course repeat how he made it seem like they were barely close anymore. He realizes he fucked up and says he'll tell her nevermind and never play games with her again, that he was just upset that It seemed like I didn't view him as a priority and how he really wanted to do something with someone and he didn't have anyone else and how he was still upset and lonely from when his friend killed himself earlier last month. I still tell him off and how it seemed like he just said he would hang out with his ex to spite me for not ditching my friends specifically because one friend was male.
In the end I forgive him because I do love him and I thought I moved past this but it's been like a couple months and I still keep remembering this instance and feeling hurt and like maybe I can't actually trust him. I'm tempted to ask him if he can just block his ex but I don't want to be controlling. I brought up how I was still hurt by this a few weeks ago and he said he understood how he came across really bad but he can hope he can understand that he was still just very distraught from his friend dying and he felt alone. Like I get that but I still feel bitter and worried towards this all. I guess maybe I am not being understanding because he was still grieving but still, even when I get super upset I never think "I'm gonna go hang out with my ex who I barely talk to anymore." I do have an ex like this but in my case I actually only get messages from him during holidays and it's just wishing me a happy holiday and no actual conversation happens.
Would it be wrong of me to bring this instance up to him yet again or would that be antagonizing? Sorry if things are spaced badly paragraph wise, I'm on mobile and it's hard for me tell if the walls of text are too much or not.
No. 165001
Has anyone dealt with a partner who… doesn't believe you love them?
We had that talk before. He told me he thinks I'm not attracted to him and in general I'm with him because he's there, like he wouldn't be my first choice but he'll do. This took me off guard and it honestly deeply saddened me that he was feeling like that when I thought everything was nice and cool. I explained to him that I treat him seriously and I'm not the type of person to be with someone without feelings, and that I am attracted to him, obviously. Months passed. He was meeting my parents. Yet at night when I was already half-asleep, when he said he loves me and I said it back, he replied: I know you don't, but even so, I still love you. I asked what the fuck is that supposed to mean, he didn't answer and I fell asleep.
My friend said she would be angry with him for doubting my feelings. Somehow I'm not angry, more confused - we really are a compatible, loving couple, so why? - and sad that our relationship makes him feel like that. I know it's probably not my fault but I have no idea how to help him at this point.
Worth to mention that I think it stems from (aside from his bad self-image, insecurities, shitty childhood etc) the fact that he was really pursuing me and I wasn't exactly into him in the beginning, like you could tell he's really trying and I'm just getting along with it. He got the girl but he's not really convinced he got her, I guess.
No. 165125
>>164726Sorry for the late reply but thanks anon, i really needed to hear this. I will focus on myself and make the most out of my 20s before I settle down. I can't imagine my life settling down at this point with whats going on around the world.
Though anon, when would you say is the best time or age to start settling down?
No. 165333
>>165259Yes. Like the other anon says, it sticks with you for awhile, but eventually subsides. Honestly, I find that distracting myself as much as possible by engaging in my hobbies and working on myself in meaningful ways is the best way to go about. You'll probably find yourself dwelling in the relationship and abuse a lot, and while that may feel productive at first, eventually it starts to wear you down. Try and channel your anger into something that makes you feel powerful, like exercise or self-defense. Personally, I found weight training to be really helpful (and I look strong af now). Therapy can also be helpful if you can afford it, particularly if you look for someone who specializes in
abusive relationships. Therapy can also help you nail down the reasons why you ended up with someone like this, so that it doesn't happen again in the future. Not that I'm blaming you necessarily, but it is pretty common, unfortunately, that past abuse (usually in childhood) unconsciously draws you to similarly
abusive people later in life.
No. 165335
>>165332ib my opinion you need to strengthen your relationship with yourself or your friends/family so you don't derive your self worth from this person. maybe get some hobbies too instead of worrying about what he's doing
but if you are genuinely suspicious or dissatisfied you'll need to get to the root of the issue and communicate
No. 165364
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Alright anons, it's time for me to look like a dumb bitch..
I got out of a highly abusive relationship several months ago and swore off dating for a while because of it. I've made a lot of improvements with myself + how I handle conflict and my emotions. I did have a period of 2 days where I tried dating apps, but ended up intimidated and felt like I wasn't ready, but it's been a while.
I met this guy online under a complete platonic basis but we ended up 'falling' for each other. Even now I've never really felt this way about anyone and he has been wonderful to me, no weird scrote-like behaviors (so far). I adore him, but…
My intuition is telling me something is just not quite right. I keep getting this weird gut feeling that this isn't right for me.. it's eating away at me a bit.
For one, we're LDR. LDRs rarely work out. I'd be fine with it if we were in a very casual e-relationship where we had no plans with each other but he's really serious about it and I feel serious about it with how much I like him. But we have no chance of meeting each other any time soon not just because of COVID but he had major surgery and has a really long recovery time. More and more I've been craving physical touch or even just to go out on cute little dates and spend time with someone in person. It's hard for me to deal with at this point and I'd rather just be single and fuck around online than feel committed to someone I either will never meet or won't be meeting for the foreseeable future.
Second, I don't think we're the most compatible as far as sexual taste & future plans & dealing with potential conflict go. Sex isn't everything in a relationship to me, but I also can't see myself being with someone who can't satisfy me in that regard. I would never ever cheat, so I just feel a bit miserable about staying and dragging him on if this isn't something that we could work out. Also, he went to college but it seems like he doesn't really have any plans for himself. Obviously he's recovering from surgery so I don't expect him to be working right now but he seems so very unambitious for the future compared to me who has planned out an exciting future for myself with hope and lots of ambition and a drive to do my best. When I've gotten upset about stuff he kind of ignores it and makes jokes about it until I storm offline and he realizes he fucked up and apologizes. I think he's genuine when he apologizes but it drives me insane when he acts like a 13 year old boy when I'm upset over something and pokes more fun of it even after I say "this isn't a joke."
And finally, there's just this gnawing feeling of "this isn't going to work." I don't like to be in a situation where I don't think things will work whether it's a job, friendship, or relationship. I find usually my intuition is correct about this sort of stuff and I don't really feel like I should be wasting my time in a situation where the relationship is doomed to fail when I could find something that might make me happier in person.
I worry about him because he's never had a girlfriend before and I'm his first real love. I'd feel so bad if I broke it off with him at this point but I'm not sure what to do anymore. Should I really be throwing myself under the bus for him? Is this even worth it considering it's a LDR we may never even get to meet for a long long time? Fuck me anons I'm retarded and I just don't know what to do. My heart is telling me this isn't right for me but what if it's wrong? What if I lose out on something great? What if I hurt him? Is him joking about stuff that upsets me really that big of a deal or our potential incompatibility? I'm losing it, sorry for the wall of text
No. 165384
>>165281Long story short, she built a web of lies in which she lived with her
abusive father, was a mtf with ptsd from a previous relationship and didnt want to have sex because of it (of course, I would have find out she's just an androgynous female kek), yada yada, she lied about her name, her family, her job, she was having sex with multiple partners at my back and had another relationship with someone she told me she had blocked everywhere. I discovered the truth once I texted this other girl, whom had another web of lies. Years later, I heard from my ex again and she told me she fucking had DID and it was the reason behind everything. The nerves of the bitch. It took me several years, therapy and a nigel-tier boyfriend to get out of paranoia and depression, I really loved and trusted that bitch. Pathological liars sure know their way out of everything.
No. 165388
>>165384Thank you so much for sharing anon. I really needed that solidarity. The most bizarre thing she lied about was being a MtF, what the fuck lmao. My ex also built a web of lies that involved being abused. He created these explicit rape/torture scenarios that happened to him (disgusting things like him being forced to eat his own shit, being held hostage, not being able to call the cops because his family were drug dealers and the police could never be called, etc). They always love to play the
victim in their fabrications. It kept spiraling for so long. There is SO MUCH MORE he lied about that I haven't written. He created an entirely different life for himself. The only reason I believed him was because I was a naive teenager and I had known him for a year before he began the lies (so I trusted him).
I recently sent him a long letter calling out all of his lies and then blocked him. It felt so fucking good blasting it in his face that he was
abusive and that I knew that everything he told me was a lie. I hope he has a terrible life.
No. 165572
>>165567>>165569he "comitted" online. We got along so well we just had to meet, that's all that was left.
lies
>dont get me wrong though i want the real thing, talking to you is amazing and im really yours okidec about my dick lmfao i just wanna go on a nice picnic with you in the fall
seriously i love you ok m8 ill vc and bother you tmrw even if you want to take a break or whatever ill have to deal with it bc ik exactly where youre coming from
that was him LAST year when I said I wanted to stop talking to him
or maybe his car broke down and is embarrassed? maybe those "mein<3333333" messages on his wall werent a girl? and it was just someone shitposting? they were from last yr, why would they show up now? i had never seen them…. maybe he wanted me to see them, maybe he wanted me to stop talking to him once and for all? i'm not underage, but I find it really difficult not doing anything with the address after it was so difficult to find. I almost im afraid i'll drive down to his home anons. which is why i wanna dox him. i don't wanna do anything srsly THAT bad. just post his phone number adress, first last name and email address. his band name as well.
No. 165580
>>165577I did, I told him I could drive down this friday. HE set up the date. He got "sick" last time. I asked him today if we were finally meeting this friday and at what time, and he didn't give me straight answer. then i asked him yes or no and he said no. No explanation just no we're not. Like, if something is going on i think he should've told me, because just a no seems like I forced him to pick a date last year, like he never wanted to meet me and did it to shut me up. I don't wanna meet someone that doesn't want to meet me.
>so this friday coming up isnt happening either? i need to know so i can set up some work shifts>let me check somethingwe r either going to a restaurant or the fair right
theres 2 fairs i think one of them is closer to you
i probably asked before but have you been to a local fair
then long convo about fairTo be fair, I think he miscalculated the date of the fair, he thought it was this friday 1/08 but it was 1/15. But then I tell him we should eat at a restaurant and he says then not this friday….. I think he just can't drive? and also you anons are going to hate me but I sort of told him last year he could talk to other girls too,,,,,,,,, now that I'm remembering. here's the convo
i went to a medical marijuana dispensary for the first time today
and there was a girl who worked there that recognized me from school
she was being weird and my friend was like dude why didnt you ask her for her number etc
and i said m8 im married with mi bruja
true story qt ily
You should've asked for her number m8
Lmao
wooooooooooooow ok well he said he would get it for me
Did u rlly say that tho
nice c:
she was actually into me in high school lol she would be touching me all the time but ok
and yes m8 i told him im taken
Taken, online LOL
lmfao whatever
U can be married w me in the meantime ;-;
idc what you say we are cute and together
not important{Why'd u go to a dispensary? Do they sell cbd oil there?
someone suggested that awhile ago to me for my anxiety loool
I don't like liver that much lmao that's why I made the guacamole
So I can cover it in it
And yea rice + guac is v yummy
my friend has a medical card and no i went to get some thc lollll
and maybe idk much about cbd i tried it before but felt the same afterwards
and lol ok yeah makes sense im not a big fan of liver either}NOT IMPORTANT
wowow i kind of cant get over the fact you dont care if i talk to other girls
I doooo care m8
ok good bc i want to be yours not anyone elses
I'm just saying you can do better and I don't think it'd be fair to other girls irl, emphasis on that
bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
stfu m8
nah fr stfu
its not like youre in eastern europe or something
but ig ik wym
youre basically saying that so if you meet someone “cute” irl you can just be like “well this was just online so nice knowing you”
then i explain no bc of my anxiety and that i wasnt rlly looking to meet someone just happened to like him. dont rlly go out plus most guys annoy me
you just want to keep “my” options open i think i get it
m not in a rush about it so whatever. it just felt weird w u saying that i should keep “my” options open. i want to be that someone for you, idc how selfish i sound. anyways im done talking about it now
so ig he sort of accepted it? oops. obviously ive become more attached since then so now i care. but omg i blocked him….. but then………………………. if u like "love" someone and respect them would u talk to other people just bc they said u can??????????? ik if he told me i was free to talk to whoever i wouldnt have…… so y did he….????????????????????
No. 165592
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>>165585holy shit anon I'm really sorry you had to feel that way but this is hilarious
No. 165645
>>165621no definitely he does, his literal job consists in driving. Maybe he was making sure I was sure? and his way of making sure I was sure was me insisting? no idea. It's like I hurt his ego the first time he asked me out. Had I known he'd blow me off the rest of the year I would have just gone, but there was a lot of stuff going on, I felt weird, etc.
>>165628If it becomes a trainwreck it'll be because of me lol but I'll do my part and take my meds to not drive him crazy
>>165635I dunno anon, I don't see it as a waste of time. Maybe we don't like eachother irl, maybe he stinks etc. That's the whole point of me wanting to meet and get it over with. Maybe he doesn't like me irl either.
No. 165676
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I’ve been talking to a coworker for just over a month, and we went on our first date two weeks ago. Things seem to be going really well, we’ve been on 5 dates and we have plenty to talk about when we’re actually together, but lately it seems like the texting conversation is drying up.
The problem is we text pretty much all day back and forth, we each take about 30 minutes to reply. I’d say about half the conversation is sending memes or tiktoks. I love the fact that he wants to talk every day but I feel like I’m forcing a lot of what I say. My feelings for him are getting stronger and stronger but I feel like we’re going backwards with texting.
Should I just start taking longer to reply? Should I start saying “hey I’m busy right now but I’ll text you later”? I feel like 2 weeks is too soon to have a whole conversation about out texting dynamic.
No. 165700
>>165697Yeah, was in the rotc from his records, keeps talking about a sailor he lost. The reason he screamed at me a few times tonight. "if only I hadn't brought it up. If only I hadn't brought up James."
Not going to lie, at this point I smell such extreme bullshit.
I'm not in danger, no worries. But I truly appreciate it. I know where the axes are.
Just.. He does not give a shit. About screaming at me whatever. Keeps making me feel like a horrible person for not remembering that guys name..
Somehow I keep being the bad person for bringing it up. "how could you? How could you bring up his name?" as if all this is my fault. Its not. I know that. Argh….
No. 165706
>>165700In case it wasn't clear enough from the other anons' responses, he is emotionally
abusive. This is just as serious if not more so than physical abuse because it's easier to make excuses for him. This man(child) is not mentally or emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. I understand you care about him, but he does not care about you. This is clear from his actions and the verbal abuse he's throwing at you. Take a look at yourself and ask why you think it's okay to accept this. You will not and cannot fix him, he has to want that for himself. There are no magic words or a certain level of understanding that will make him change. He knows he's hurting you and doesn't care.
>>165693>On the other hand I truly love himI doubt it. You are likely infatuated and/or desperate and see certain qualities in him you appreciate and are hyperfixated on those to the point you are giving him a pass for this behavior. If you do actually love him which means you want the best for him, then your level of codependency is allowing him to get away with being an alcoholic abuser without any repurcussions, therefore further enabling his descent into the dumpster fire. He will never learn or improve until you leave. He may not get better when you leave either, but he'd have a better chance at it knowing the person he supposedly loves will not be his scapegoat than knowing he can get away with it forever.
No. 165711
>>165700ayrpt and sm
>>165706 this
nonny. If he sees you won't put up with his
abusive behavior and he loves you it will encourage him to seek therapy for whatever may be wrong with him due to the supposed loss of a sailor mate or whatever, to keep you in his life. If he doesn't, then you dodged a bullet because he was just looking for a punching bag. Take care of yourself ok
No. 165718
>>165714>only people your mutuals recently interacted with show up theremost of the time, yes, but not always so I wouldn't get too anxious about that but literally everything you've said in
>>165716 is such a sad, sad mess. Just break up. This is bad for both of you, even if none of you ends up cheating (though it feels like very possible thing to happen) you'll both feel anxious always and this is no way to be happy in life.
No. 165724
>>165716Ime people with a history of being the cheater… also tend to be the most paronoid about their partners being cheats too. Take a break from dating and really work on yourself. Practice some faithfullness yourself and you might start to believe that others are capable of it too. I don't mean that in a harsh way but the reality is people with thoughts of cheating assume that everyone thinks that way and that is the real source of your anxiety.
You'll destroy this relationship and all future ones unless you go through a deep dive in therapy to figure out your own motivations for cheating.
No. 165742
>>165724I cheated because I was drunk and around a guy I had a crush on there is no special meaning behind it, and in nearly 2 years that's the only occasion I cheated or felt the urge to cheat..
>>165720Going on tinder when you're not in an open relationship isn't cheating? I think I'm allowed to have trust issues over that, even if I made mistakes as well. I wouldn't get mad if he didn't trust me either but he does, so I want to trust him too
No. 165745
>>165742You had a
crush on that guy, what more meaning behind it do you want there to be? I get thinking someone is attractive and/or a nice person, but if feelings go past being merely platonic, there's something wrong.
I doubt he trusts you, he probably already checked out of the relationship or at the very least doesn't think you're deserving of respect anymore.
He sounds shitty and so do you.
No. 165757
>>165716Relationship has been over since you cheated. He may be trying to cope but it's almost impossible to regain trust after someone betrays another to this extent and you'd be doing him a favor letting him go find someone who actually respects him. What you did was unacceptable and him being on a dating app is unacceptable, it's time to move on.
>>165732Ntayrt and sure but did she ever go to therapy or attempt meaningful change/remorse after cheating? Sure doesn't seem so considering she's still hand waving it away as no big deal and "common." Drunken mistakes are common… in shitty relationships. Drinking doesn't magically make you into another person, it just lowers your inhibitions to do the things you already wanted to do. Someone who truly loved their partner and was loyal would not be tempted to cheat, even while drunk.
No. 165767
I haven't seen my boyfriend in a year because of Covid (I'm in Europe and he is US), and for the last couple of months I felt like he wasn't really paying attention to me sexually, like we hang out on Discord every day for hours, but it just made me feel unwanted. I tried to talk to him about it and he just said it's more fun to play games etc., which I do like, but I liked it when he made me do (sexual) things - we have kind of a D/s aspect to our relationship and I really liked getting stupid punishments and things like that.
In the end it made me feel really unattractive and caused a lot of conflict because he didn't want to talk about it properly and didn't change anything. He didn't even compliment me or said or caring things, it made me feel unloved.
In the end I started talking to someone else online and talked to him about my relationship, and he wanted me to just leave it because of how unhappy it made me. I mentioned talking to this other guy to my bf, and also talked about leaving, and since then he changed a lot of things. He is more sexual with me again, he compliments me, we had an argument and normally he just wants to get out of it but now he was telling me that he didn't want me to cry and asked how he can make things better. He even said once that me being angry at him was adorable, previously he just got annoyed. He is being really nice and thoughtful in a lot of other ways. It makes me happy, but idk why he changed. Is it just because he got jealous or maybe actually thought about things and realized it was making me unhappy? I'm just not sure and kinda scared it'll go back to how it was.
No. 165772
>>165767All sorts of red flags anon. You sound young so first of all, why are you wasting precious time in a ldr right now? It's an ideal time to explore and find guys who actually enjoy and respect you, discover new things you like, not wait around for some lame ass gamer to pay attention to you. He is not the only dude in the world and he's clearly not even a very good one at that. Why did you need someone else to tell you it was okay to leave when you knew you were unhappy long before? You need to develop better self respect and standards.
>idk why he changed. Is it just because he got jealous or maybe actually thought about things and realized it was making me unhappy?The former. It speaks volumes that you tried to talk to him about your needs before and he ignored you. If he cared, he would've listened and made these changes the first time you brought it up. Now that another man is in the picture suddenly he's attentive, and why? Because this is an ego thing for him. It has nothing to do with him liking you as an individual, you're just a status symbol for him and I guarantee you he will eventually stop giving a shit again unless you continually remind him that other (better) men would happily want to pamper you where he does not. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of this relationship and/or your life if you were serious about him? A good man would want to do things for you simply because it makes him happy to see you happy, not because his manhood is threatened. Also
>He even said once that me being angry at him was adorable, previously he just got annoyed. Fucking
barf. This is just two sides of the same misogynistic coin. Originally he just didn't give a shit and now he finds your genuine pain and frustration "cute." What a charmer.
No. 165773
>>165767>>165772He could just be going through his own things. LDRs are hard and the world is in crisis mode.
Angry people that are passionate can be cute. It doesn't mean there is sadistic pleasure. That's up for interpretation.
I don't see red flags here.
Maybe he was in limbo trudging along in his life and the very real fear of losing you snapped him out of it. Jealousy isn't a bad feeling. It literally drives self-improvement and relationship care and commitment to important life figures. It can alert us to passiveness and carelessness.
Good luck to you guys
No. 165774
>>165732no one said she (or anyone else) has to be perfect to date, but clearly she's unable to be trusting and committed right now. if she went into another relationship expecting a clean slate without doing some serious self reflection and improvement she would only bring a ton of unresolved drama into the the relationship
>>165757he's probably been mentally checked out for a while and went on tinder with the hopes of jumping ship, but got caught
No. 165775
>>165773Why the reddit spacing and shit takes?
>>165767Could you maybe give us your ages because this all sounds very much like an older dude toying and ignoring a younger woman just because they are shitty.
No. 165776
>>165775why are you so paranoid?
The guy fixed his behaviour. I don't see the problem. Every relationship has rough patches and trial and retrial phases.
The only thing OP can do is see and actually check if the change is substantial and communicate about her needs and boundaries.
fixed my le Reddit spacing 4 u mam
No. 165796
>>165772Yeah, it seems like a reaction to the other guy, but at the same time sometimes in the past he did try to make small changes, they just never lasted. He was very dismissive though for the last couple of months, and before whenever he changed his behavior a bit it was never to this extent. Irl he is really caring, but the way he is online can really suck sometimes. How he is now is so nice, but I just don't really trust it to last. Like I've already been made to feel like I'm not good enough to be cared about so idk.
>>165773About the angry comment, I wasn't really angry just frustrated, I was telling him that he should get a job because hasn't had one for a long time, and I said it's really hard to plan a future with someone who doesn't care enough to get himself out of the situation he is in. And he thought I was trying to insult him and found that cute, but he wasn't saying it in a patronizing way, I think it was just his way of not making it a conflict. He did address it after though.
I am 23 and he is 33. We talked about living together in the past but he doesn't want to do it as long as he doesn't have an income even if I do - I managed to save up a lot of money the past year and he sill has nothing, so it's frustrating to not be able to do something I really want.
No. 165804
I need a farmers evaluation. A few weeks (maybe a month?) ago, a friend of mine got to know a guy. They're not dating but my friend told me she's definitely interested in him, and from the way he acts, he very much seems to be too. Anyways, we've met up a few days ago with a some friends. Somehow the topic of exes came up, and apparently his ex cheated on him, got her cheat-partner to believe her that [friends guy] has been physically abusing her and managed to exile him from his entire social circle by painting him as the bad guy to get a cop out from cheating in the first place. Is my distrust in men getting the better of me, or am I right to think that this is kinda suspicious? To be fair, it came up pretty naturally in our conversation, so it wasn't like we were talking about chicken nuggets or some shit and he suddenly went "btw guys did i tell you about my evil ex already??". But even then, you'd still refrain from dumping this kinda information, even with an plausible in, when you've known somebody for only a few weeks (or not even a day in the case of the rest of us), wouldn't you? Granted, I myself don't know when the perfect timing would've been to tell someone about it, assuming it's true, and I suppose it's a better one than if his ex came into her DMs like "Did you know?" and he'd have to explain himself in that moment, but still…
If it was any other friend, I don't think I'd be worried to this extent, but that friend in particular has had a string of bad relationships and ignoring glaring red flags because she wants to see the best in people and is really trusting, alas…
No. 165879
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>>165800I FUCKING KNEW IT. It's not
really funny because anon is blind to how pathetic the guy is but there's definitely some dark humor once you've been through this a few times and realize how insanely common it is. Men are worthless
>>165796Girl for real, he's a grown man spending all his time playing vidya and sexually manipulating (when he can be assed to do it) someone who hasn't even had the chance to live her life and develop standards yet. This is a shit relationship and he is shit. If you want shit attached to you that's your choice, but don't be surprised if it continues to stink. I just wanna reiterate that this is not okay, not normal and not healthy or beneficial for you. You actually have a job and some savings, focus on that and your own happiness, not this loser. Aim higher than being a 30-something man's mommy, sex toy and emotional punching bag.
No. 165881
>>165799We all make mistakes and overreact sometimes. Healthy partners agree that you did something stupid, forgive you, then move on. They don't continually poke and remind you of that one time you messed up and then gaslight you for doing the "same thing" in unrelated scenarios. He may not be guilting you about it intentionally, but that doesn't matter when the effect is the same. Bring it up with him and tell him to cut the shit, because now he's the one assuming things and overreacting to nonvolatile situations. (Which is a great way to make them become volatile. The whole, "Why are you so angry? I'm not. Well you seem angry. Now I am because you're annoying me.") Also unless you're complaining about not getting free candy at the doctor's office, grown women do not "pout" when it comes to their sincere concerns, so he can fuck off with the condescending language.
>>165804I agree that it's tough to say right now. I would keep it in the back of your mind and take it within the context of her overall relationship with this guy. If he's consistent, trustworthy, respectful of her, etc. How he talks about other women in general. It's pretty rare for women to accuse men baselessly, but I know it can happen, so hopefully she just stays on the lookout when it comes to how he treats her.
No. 165893
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>>165883You sound like a scrote but since I'm in a giving mood let's ask some relevant questions. How many early 20-something female celebs do you see with men 40+ but if adult actresses have relationships with younger men they're "jokingly" chastised as cougars/cradle robbers/milfs? In popular media why is it normalized that old men are constantly paired with much younger actresses even if their characters are supposed to be the same ages? Why is sex work and being a sugar baby pushed as "empowering" for little girls across social media but you don't see the same happening to little boys? Why does any male with even a vague amount of social clout tend to go after naive girls rather than women his own age yet rarely even receives a verbal slap on the wrist for doing so? Why has it been popularized to refer to a hot man as "daddy"? Why do only ~1% of couples with large age gaps involve older woman? Why is it that globally 12 million girls are married before the age of 18 to much older men?
I assume you're primarily referring to the westernized world when you say "society" because men marrying child brides certainly don't give a fuck about a grown man dating a 23-year-old, and in fact would say he should've aimed younger. And even in "woke" countries we are constantly being told explicitly and nonverbally that it's normal, cool and ~mature~ to date older men even though they tend to be just as if not more juevenile than their younger counterparts.
No. 165964
>>165799Why tf are you going out with a guy who texts you "are you pouting" that's so gay lmfao
Reconsider your relationship with him. Bcus stuff like this is only going to get worse. I dated a guy who would also treat me like a child when I was upset. He seems like a condescending douche just from the few things you've said about him alone.
No. 165993
>>165971Good for you anon, I'm glad you're taking this seriously and will watch out for yourself. I wish you the best but since
>>this is not the first time he acts in a condescending way to methat is true it seems like this guy may not be capable of a healthy relationship. If the patronizing attitude arises again I hope you will get away from him. A good partner shouldn't make you second guess yourself or diminish your feelings.
No. 165995
>>165974I'm probably not the best person to give advice since I struggle with this myself, but I can offer some ideas. I try to make responding a manageable habit. Having to pick up and put down my phone throughout the day
is distracting, so I just don't let it interfere with other activities. I pick a certain time, usually early morning or late evening, to respond to people and then don't touch it the rest of the day. Like checking email. I also try to limit the length of my responses. I often found myself attempting to respond line by line so people felt "heard," but it would mean my responses were like five paragraphs which only made texting more annoying. Instead, even if they've given me a long response, I try to respond with only a few sentences. It's not about being dismissive so much as getting to the point. Better a succinct response than none at all. If a friend needs to pour their heart out or requires a more intensive response, they can call me. Having to write everything out when it comes to deep issues is too draining and time consuming, not to mention not a very personal way for them to get validation either.
Last thought is to consider what people are even worth texting. Considering it honestly, why are these people your friends and what are you getting out of texting them? What do they bring to your life? Is it really necessary for you to text them consistently or can you have a relationship with them where you just talk to one another now and then and let each other be during the periods between? It's not necessarily a bad thing. I have several friends where I might not hear from them for over a month, then one of us will pop in to catch up, then we go back to ignoring each other. Maybe you just need more friends on a similar wavelength rather than accommodating those who need such frequent contact.
No. 165997
>>165996you need to be 18 to post here anon. You post like you're on tumblr. So first of all, stop being cringy. Second of all, it's really not that hard to say you want to break up, especially if you're not in an
abusive relationship, and it doesn't sound like you are. You're dating a fat poltard incel willingly. Wtf?
No. 166018
>>165995Thanks anon, that's a good tip to have a 'schedule' and reply then.
As for my friends, they are mostly low maintenance but I once went months without responding because I put my notifications on mute and didn't turn it off, and accidentally ghosted a bunch. Now I feel terrible if I don't respond semi actively.
No. 166019
>>165706Thank you. And all the others.
We had a talk. The "last chance" kind of. The day after the fight, he'd been very reclusive, withdrawing attention and just touch or care.
For the first time I opted to sleep on the couch, got my feelings together. I came to a few startling realisations before he found me.
Told him that this no longer works. We are not broken up, but he's got a few months to get his shit together. I saved 10k€ so he could come study here. If he doesn't, I'll use it to get myself some livestock and a horse for that.
I will be happy either way. He knows that now. For good. This is his last chance.
No. 166025
>>165996can't you just leave? he invades your personal space and clearly doesn't give a fuck about you or your opinions so even if he's 'nice and just autistic' you should still give it to him because in the end you're getting hurt and stressed while he's emptying his wallet for a chance to empty his balls in you. what are you do if you keep waiting? open your legs in pity?
you tell him straight that you don't like him that way and to stop buying you stuff because you'll give it away (even if you dont give it away) do it by text if you're scared of him and avoid him from there on unless you're in a crowded public place. after that just keep the expensive stuff. he didnt curse the objects that magically obligate you to like and talk to him. give it away if you want
No. 166048
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Last year I tried a few different dating apps. I'm very introverted and don't have any friends in-real-life where I live. I matched with some people (both men and women), and was talking very surface level stuff with them.
A week or so later my sister and I had coffee and she got to talking about this guy she was seeing. She told me how he had forced a kiss on New Years Eve, and as she explained more and more about the guy, I realized it was someone I had been chatting with on tinder.
I felt repulsed by a few things:
1. I was sharing a dating pool with my sister. She is much more active about relationships/sex than I am, and I felt I'd be getting her hand-me-downs. Also I'd be matching with people who had fucked my sister, which disturbed me.
2. That was actively seeing this guy, even after he forced her.
3. This guy was actively flirting with me while dating my sister (we look VERY alike)
I never told my sister about any of this. They broke up a month later, and then covid started. It soured me so badly on the dating scene that I feel disgusted by it still, even though I want to meet someone.
tl;dr Anons, if you have a sibling living in the same area as you, how do you deal with the possible overlap of partners?
No. 166050
>>166026No it’s not. Not being someone’s personal army is based. And people who complain about others are usually the biggest losers. Tell them to get a therapist that they have to pay for.
Unless it’s fucked up shit that they did ofc.
>>166046Le truth. Lol. Do you expect that from people who are complaining? There’s a reason why people tend to ramble when they talk about problems, because it’s one sided shit.
No. 166106
>>166048Try a dating app she isn't on. Don't use dating apps. Discuss matches with your sister.
I also share a dating pool with my sister. We're both staying at home instead of our respective uni campuses.
No. 166111
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What do you do with a guy who you love deeply, are intellectually compatible with, have great sex with, and would want to have kids with if only you could just start a life together?
He has plenty of money (family wealth) but can't hold down a field of study or a job and we both still live with our parents even though I'd be happy to move into an apartment with if his parents didn't control every aspect of his life? I'm so close to giving up on ever getting to live with him and just focusing on moving out by myself. I've been waiting for him to get his shit together for years and it just won't happen.
I feel so envious of my other friends who are cohabiting with their SO and living out their cool 20s in an apartment with a cat and that's all I want but he can't help me achieve that.
No. 166117
>>166088Hah. I already built the chicken coop. But they were decided on before the relationship drama.
Come here. Let's have those sheep and chickens and horses together.
No. 166130
>>166111wealthy but can't make wealth on his own, controlling parents who own that wealth (so no chances of him trying to get away from them)…
plus, do you think someone who can't hold down a job/degree can raise children?
sounds needlessly complicated.
No. 166223
>>166048Just replying to this to say AAHHG
That sounds so uncomfortable.
>>165796>was telling him that he should get a job because hasn't had one for a long time,In a long distance relationship with an unemployed scrote, can't say I haven't done the same thing. It fizzled out when he finally got an irl girlfriend* and wanted to keep having personal and sexual conversations with me at the same time, then he threatened to commit notalive because I complained about it online without naming him and he saw it.
*She's a 4/10 pickme who had anal sex on their first meeting lol
No. 166474
>>166460Last guy I dated had some sexual tastes that I'm guessing few women would ever want to entertain. Over the few years we were together he went from not being pushy to giving me full on ultimatums that either I perform this weird shit or I can pack my bags on the spot and leave (I had no fallback place to stay) Eventually he cheated and post break up I realised how much he fucked up my own relationship with sex.
Im 3 years single and I can't see myself letting any man near me again. I've been chatted up twice in that time and all I felt in those moments was threatened, unsafe. I had fight or flight mode kick in.
I think the reality is that women like us will have to see a professional and open up about those shameful feeling details in order to really heal. I know that's likely the only answer but I've been avoiding it. I'm not someone who feels unhappy when single so the thought of facing all that baggage is too much right now. 3 years in I'm just about getting back to being able to enjoy solo play again.
No. 166610
>>166474Sounds sort of similar what I went through but never ultimatums. It was more guilting me into meeting his needs. Same with allowing him to fuck other girls. He had needs beyond what I could give him. I always just convinced myself I was being a loving girlfriend. Even though I wasn’t allowed to be with other men. Because I wasn’t the one with a sex addition. It really fucked with me.
You’re right though and it’s likely only something I can get over with therapy. But I hold so much shame for it. Literally no one knows- not even my best friends. My first post is the first I’ve ever talked about it. I find a lot of comfort being single though and fine with it. Actually happier than I’ve been in a long time. I just don’t want to hear the trauma come from my own mouth. At least not yet.
No. 166667
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>>166665>>166666samefag again sorry, also wanted to add that he has a girlfriend, so if he can afford to have one he should be able to give me, his daughter, money right?
No. 166668
>>166667Anon, men suck and even if he's your dad with a girlfriend you might have a hard time making him part with a monthly allowance for you, especially if you're now an adult and would not qualify for child support. My Dad gives me money but he was the one that offered it to me, I would never have had the guts to ask for his financial help even though he's well off.
Good luck if you bring it up to him, but considering he wasn't around, never paid child support and was in prison I can't see you banking on this.
No. 166670
>>166668Yeah I'm aware, but considering he offered a whole car a few years ago when he was fresh out and I was petty and turned the car down, I think he might be open to the idea? I just don't know how to go about it, I feel like I shouldn't have to ask, but if that's what it'll come down to. If he doesn't budge then I really don't think I want anything to do with him.
Btw he gave that car to my brother per my request and my ungrateful brother fucked it all up, so he might see me as the reason he lost money.
No. 166687
>>166685sounds like self esteem or some deeper fear tbh.
I used to push away partners after we were together because I didn't feel comfortable with myself.
Take some time single. Work on yourself and try to find out "why do I do that"
But in reality you're going to be incompatible with more people than you're compatible with so don't "settle" but also don't look for stupid reasons to bounce. (ex: we have different hobbies its not gonna work). Honestly compatibility is usually on a level of base values and chemistry. Things you can't really "change" like how smart are they (not ignorance, i mean intelligence), are they a god stan, have they always had strong core personality traits that seem to not be able to "mesh" with yours basically is my point.
No. 167055
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How do I actually deal with jealousy and anxiety about who my bf hangs out with? He doesn't really have female friends but is very outgoing and stuff, and I dread him meeting women he would want to spend time with as friends because I know this would shoot my anxiety off the charts. I was cheated on in a previous relationship after six years, and spent a long long time gathering clues and confirming suspicions, it was all absolute hell with the constant stress and all the fears turning out true one by one.
I'm with a different person now of course, but it just feels too dangerous to let go of the thought completely. Almost every single person who was cheated on trusted their partner the same as I do, and never believed he would do something like that, just like I would never believe my bf would. He's the most loving and caring person, he's so excited to move in with me and stopped contact with his ex with whom he was on friendly terms, even if I didn't ask him to, just to make sure I wouldn't be anxious. But how can anyone be sure enough that things are as they seem, when cheating is just objectively so common? Many people show the exact same behaviours and still end up cheating.
I also can't adopt an attitude where cheating wouldn't be the end of the world, I kinda just pair bond strongly and especially this relationship means so much to me that even if I know I would get through it eventually, the pain before that would be unacceptably bad. I don't think I could feel the good parts, the support and love of a relationship, while being so indifferent to what happens.
Pls no therapy suggestions, I have talked about this with therapists and they invariably approach it through longer variations of either "you just have to trust him, remember all the evidence that he obviously loves you" or "even if it happened, it's just human life, not a catastrophe". I know there would probably be better professionals out there but the search is just too exhausting, if any of you have actually heard of better approaches to manage this I would be so grateful to hear what they are.
No. 167057
>>167055Sorry anon, they may not be the answers you want to hear but your therapists are right. The question is how to adopt a mindset that doesn't feel depressing or pessimistic while still allowing yourself to accept those facts. Your main issue is this
>I don't think I could feel the good parts, the support and love of a relationship, while being so indifferent to what happens.Why do you think recognizing that him cheating and the two of you splitting wouldn't be the end of the world means you're "indifferent" to the state of your relationship? Do you think that recognizing your boyfriend could die tomorrow in a freak accident means you have to remain "indifferent" to the good things you have now? It's not about being cold and callous, holding yourself at arm's length so you don't get too attached and feel pain if something bad should happen. It's accepting that you don't have control over anyone or anything in life except yourself. Your options are to either remain alone in an attempt to protect yourself from the inevitable pain of losing someone (whether that's through cheating or growing apart or one of your eventual deaths) or accept that while losing your partner is going to happen sooner or much later, the pleasure of sharing a life with someone who cares for and loves you is worth the eventual hurt that follows. Being sad about losing someone doesn't take away from the earlier moments of happiness you shared. You can't fully enjoy what you have now if part of your mind is constantly distracted by a future that hasn't occurred and may never occur. You understand that this attitude is hurting your ability to relax and appreciate your current relationship, but you're not willing to develop enough self love to accept both the highs and lows in life? Why would you feel like that would somehow take away from the human experience?
No. 167061
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Anyone ever faced with rejection and how did you deal with it?
Finally worked up the courage to text someone first for the first time ever and have been smacked in the face with rejection instantaneously. I just feel nauseous, this is also the first time I've been rejected because I was always too scared to contact someone first
No. 167062
>>167057The anxiety comes from the likelihoods of these events - it's just not nearly as likely that a young person dies suddenly compared to them cheating. The risk of growing apart is of course pretty real in relationships, but something one can watch out for and control together in completely healthy ways. The things that would similarly reduce the risk of cheating or even give you reliable information about it would be overly controlling and just make the relationship worse, so the risk is high and there's not much one can directly do.
I do think that accepting the risk isn't really compatible with being all in building a future with someone (for me). I really want to rely on my partner and share our lives to such an extent that a 25% risk of things ending through cheating is too much, even if there's always some smaller risk of accidents or other insurmountable problems. Even if I didn't want to, this is just how it works for me, I did previously try to develop a more relaxed attitude but it didn't combine with being deeply invested. When I really love someone, the uncertainty and betrayal aspects are too much considering how common it is for people to cheat. I guess I should just look for healthy things that would indirectly reduce the risk, surely there are some of those too.
No. 167065
>>167061It's happened to me too. It's awful. But the next time I texted first, I got a positive response and he's the best thing that happened to me.
It's worth making a move because sometimes it does work out.
No. 167067
>>167062You're still looking at this in a self-limiting way. You currently believe that a "relaxed attitude" and being "deeply invested" in someone are incompatible because you weren't able to feel both at the same time in the past. But just because you weren't able to accomplish this before doesn't mean it's impossible; it means you've given up on trying to achieve that balance and instead turned your mind towards attempting to control things outside of you, which is an impossible task.
Your fear stems from your lack of control and you're pretending you can reduce the chances of your boyfriend cheating by doing specific actions (i.e. controlling his behavior through "things that would indirectly reduce the risk"). But by choosing to be in a relationship you have no choice. The possibility will always be there. My point in mentioning the others things is that you are currently able to live your life without those obvious risks affecting your ability to enjoy your relationship. You recognize them but aren't especially affected by them. You possess the mental capacity for that. So why should the potential of him cheating be any different? You say it's because the risks are higher, but those risks still have almost nothing to do with you. Why do people cheat? Because they fall out of love with their partners, because they lack self esteem, because they don't respect the other person. But you can't
make your boyfriend love you, can't make him have high self esteem and can't make him respect you. He either does those things of his own accord or not. Sure, you can and should be a kind, supportive partner. But whether those things mean anything or not is totally on his shoulders. Tons of women bend over backwards to be amazing, empathetic and giving partners while their boyfriends shit on them. It's a "him" thing and not a "you" thing. You cannot
make him be loyal, and continuing to try and do so is only going to drive you crazy.
You don't have to be "indifferent." You can recognize that him cheating would be immensely painful. But you can also recognize that while it would be horrible, you would still survive, still have value as an individual and the opportunity to regain greater happiness afterwards. Understanding that shouldn't somehow invalidate your current happiness or make it less meaningful. In fact, it should make it even more special because you know he's continually choosing to be a good partner to you. If he cheated, it would mean
he was a shitty person who betrayed your confidence, not that
you were undeserving of love. This is an issue of self confidence and self worth, resulting in you feeling you need to do certain things to guarantee a man's loyalty. You deserve a man's loyalty simply because you're a good person looking to build a happy life together, not because you've done xyz incredible things for him and now he owes you.
No. 167163
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Bf of 5 months recently went through my computer documents and pictures (which also had some imported old phone pictures) weeks ago but only told me about it last night. He had questions.
He'd been salty for months because when he'd press me to confess private things I straight up told him I wasn't comfortable sharing everything and that I'm going to have my secrets so he'll just have to deal with that. I'm perfectly fine if he doesn't wanna tell me everything, for example. So I guess he figured he might find my dirt on the computer and rooted through it. I gave him access to it while I'm at work so he can watch shit and go on the internet before he goes to work.
I'm not very mad because it's a fairly new computer so there was nothing much on it. Had it been my old computer from my teens and early 20s, I might have been mad cause there was personal shit on there. I had a few nudes from before I met him and that's mostly what he asked about (the whole several of them, fam). And he wanted to know about some screencaps that I took of shitty men and retarded dudes. He read a letter or two that I had written to exes, which again I didn't care much about cause they weren't raunchy or whatever and I was completely reasonable and in the right. I even went through the folders in front of him and deleted a lot of stupid and older stuff that needed clearing out for space anyway. I was talking about stuff as I did it. It was so pointless of him.
I just find it extremely petty.
To be petty back I want to demand his phone and laptop as well so I can go through them too. Not because I suspect him of anything, but if I'm not allowed any privacy or secrecy then why should he get any from me? Idk, I'm not mad but I feel like I need to push back to teach a lesson here. I was a bit too chill and understanding, and the more I think about it the more I see it was a power move on his part so maybe a penalty is in order. Idk.
No. 167188
>>167163This is bad and frankly deceptive behavior. Please don't underreact to this for your own well being anon. It's been 5 months, that's nothing. All I can say is that every time I've seen a very obvious red flag and ignored it I've regretted it. Every time. And more than that, early red flags were small signs of
much worse issues to come. I get the desire to believe people make mistakes and you should be able to forgive them and move on, but most guys are usually too self-centered and manipulative to do this. He should've apologized to you for breaking your trust and thanked you profusely for actually putting up with his sorry ass. He should've been embarassed about his behavior. Instead he pouted and interrogated you? Nuh uh. You made your boundaries clear and he ignored that boundary and looked through your personal shit anyway. Lemme repeat that: He did not care about your boundaries and felt entitled to trample them. He will do this again. Sick fucking dude who does not respect you. A mature response to someone stating boundaries you don't find acceptable is, "Sorry I need to know this information to feel secure in a relationship and if you're not comfortable sharing that's cool, but this isn't going to work for me." NOT to force that person to do what you want. Don't bother trying to punish him in the same way to teach him a lesson like he's a retarded child, you won't change him and he's not worth it. Just move on and save yourself from more trouble in the future, you don't owe him shit.
No. 167195
>>167193It happened spring of 2020, it was basically just a really shitty situation where I was moving and being threatened with my housing taken away and I was extremely depressed, ill, suicidal etc and did shit with the guy to keep my housing.
I cheated on my partner by doing it, and came clean to him shortly after it happened.
We broke up a few months back, and I'm in a different situation now, but he still hangs it over my head for breaking his trust and telling me I had other options, even though I really didn't. He couldn't help me, and since I had no way to fund myself or get a job due to the move and covid I'd have had nothing and nobody.
I do feel guilty for it, and I do take blame for it, but I also think to myself that sometimes you have to do shitty things in shitty situations for self preservation.
At the time he said he wasn't angry with me and forgave me, but blamed the guy, but he clearly didn't trust me anymore and shot me down when I'd ask about it/suggested therapy for us.
I guess I just wanted to not really feel alone in doing an awful thing because you felt like you had no choice and dealing with the consequences of it after.
No. 167199
>>167183I'm really sorry anon, not that you need me to say it but he is absolute trash and not even worthy of being called a man. You deserve so much better than that. I hope you leave him soon so you can move on with your life and enjoy happier, healthier things. I can relate a lot to how you feel; several months ago I left an
abusive relationship that also lasted 3 years and I felt miserable afterwards. I was glad to be away from him hurting me, but at the same time I'd developed trauma bonds and become isolated due to his manipulations. I had no one to talk to and suddenly having my single close (albeit unhealthy) emotional connection in the world ripped away made me want to just give up.
I am doing much better now though. I did a ton of reading not only about abusers but on self esteem so that I will never allow a man to hurt me like that again. First sign of any poor behavior and I'm out. But even more importantly than that, I'm genuinely in a place now where I don't feel I need a relationship to experience complete happiness in the world. It's very freeing. I recommend looking at the FDS sub on Reddit if you haven't already. Since you've been in 5 relationships it seems like you've gone from one to the next without much time to care for yourself and heal in between. You may not want to forego romance entirely but I do think you should try focusing on yourself. I see the same pattern I had of trying to find fulfillment in other people (codependency). That's a recipe for unending misery and disappointment. It really is true that you have to love yourself before you can have a healthy relationship, and romance should be a small bonus on top of an otherwise balanced life. Take tiny steps as you can. Join groups of people so you can build friends and a support structure of your own, whether that's online or in person. Find hobbies you enjoy. Do work that you actually like. Date yourself, basically, and you might find you're plenty happy on your own rather than searching for someone to take the pain away for you. You can come back from this and there are so many beautiful things in the world you can still take part in and appreciate. Don't let a series of unworthy scrotes steal those opportunities and happiness away from you. It will take time, but you can come back from this and I guarantee you will eventually feel a million times better without a massive idiot on your back trying to beat you down.
No. 167202
>>167195That's horrible anon, I'm so sorry. You were taken advantage of by a disgusting excuse of a human when you were vulnerable. It's not your fault and you should not beat yourself up for taking the only option that was available to survive/not be homeless in that situation. Honestly your ex is a piece of shit for berating you over doing what you had to do in desperate times. He should've bent over backwards to support you and done whatever was necessary to help and protect you. Instead he guilted you over being
abused? Fuck his ass to hell. Just like a scrote to imagine his fucking peepee pride suffered the most damage in a scenario like this versus the woman who was literally forced into sexual service by a rapist. But no, you absolutely are not alone and I know COVID/the housing situation has pushed a lot of people into absolutely awful scenarios like this. I hope you are in a better place and can care for yourself in whatever way is most meaningful now.
No. 167216
>>167199thank you so much for the kind words anon… I really really badly needed to hear that. I will take a look at that subreddit now.
I'm just so afraid of being alone, like you I have no one else outside of him. He tore my self esteem completely, I used to be alright with myself at least to some degree, but now I hate on everything, from how I look to how I act, doubt myself at every second. It's so hard for me to believe that I can ever be happy but your post gave me some hope.
No. 167221
>>167202Thank you.
To be fair, I think we're better off not being together. He would get pouty and sulk if I even spoke to another man, and the other day we had a fight because I made a joke about being a sugar baby to fund my college. First thing out of his mouth was like "Nice to know you never cared about me and lied to me when you said you loved me" and insinuated that I had been having cam sex with one of my friends because I was on a long chat with him on a discord server. Shit's wild, but him throwing the cheating at me during that fight got me more than I thought at first.
No. 167226
>>167212Could be that you're not in a very diverse area unfortunately, but if you're into tabletop stuff maybe look at game stores near your location? A lot of them often do demo nights, competitive leagues, one shot D&D adventures and stuff like that to foster a customer base and community. Airbnb Experiences are basically classes and activities you can sign up for based on location. Since Airbnb is centered around renting homes/apartments short-term they're usually touristy things that a visitor might want to do but there can be a lot of fun experiences that might give you ideas for things to pursue and help you make local contacts. You can also search Groupon for local classes. Quality varies but it'll still give you ideas about what's being offered.
Honestly though if you want to make friends you've got to put in the effort and maybe be a bit more flexible with your standards. Just because the people you're meeting might not have the exact same interests doesn't mean they won't be willing to listen to you talk about them or try things that are new to them in order to spend time with you. Give normies a chance and try new stuff, you might be surprised by what you end up enjoying.
No. 167227
>>167216Sadly I understand that feeling all too well. It's cruel what he put you through, but please understand that it was all gaslighting lies. He tore you down in an attempt to control you, but you've always had value. There are a lot of people out there who will appreciate and accept you exactly as you are, you just have to find them as opposed to being stuck with that asshole. Remember that you were/are alone even with him, because he was never there for you in the first place. Better to be on your own enjoying your life and exploring the world than alone even while in a relationship supporting an
abusive moron. For rebuilding your confidence CBT was really useful to me. If you're open to it I recommend this book and going through the exercises (
http://libgen.rs/book/index.php?md5=1DDFD9D88A74F72181C80398997C4137). And if you need help logic-ing yourself out of the relationship then check out this (
http://libgen.rs/book/index.php?md5=CC53E7964319B5771DCEA79E7F4797D1) to understand why issues are stemming from your ex's lack of self worth rather than anything to do with you. Leaving an
abusive relationship is literally akin to breaking an addiction and you have to ween yourself off those feelings, but it really does get easier over time and will bring immense relief once your life has normalized again.
No. 167263
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I don't know if this fits here as now it's ex-relationship advice but I need help and to vent. I'm emotionally exhausted. I found out last night my boyfriend was cheating after two years. The thought he never cared/loved me and without a care just continues his hooks up or other relationships far as I know, kills me. We separated a couple times but he was always the one to go out of his way to contact me again to back together. I cannot understand it if he just, had other girls, or was going to cheat anyways.
I need help because I can't find it in me to block him. When it finally came out I simply said "bye" and he left, didn't even fight anymore since he argued over the truth until I saw it crumble in his face that he couldn't lie his way out of it.
I wish I questioned him. I feel no closure. I can't bring it in me to block him. Idk how to move on and process this without the hope he'll come back again, giving some proof he regrets it and I meant something. That for two years I wasn't a fucking idiot loving someone who didn't even love me at all.
It still doesn't feel real, especially how we discussed that night ironically how he felt weird since his mom visited since his parents divorced because his dad cheated. "Seeing how much she resents him…I can't blame her." like father like son I guess
No. 167287
>>167272>I understand breasts and butts, but legs?Same reason most of us drool over sexy male forearms and biceps. Come on, there's no way you don't understand
that. It's perfectly normal.
No. 167297
>>167263This
>>167265 so much. It's very common way of trying to cope by trying to find closure, more details, understand, but it's very unhealthy and usually comes from the need to feel at least a bit more in control, as it was taken from you as he was doing stuff behind your back. No matter what he'd say, it will just hurt you more long term. Right now you're hurting but you'll be glad things played out the way they did in the future. And you'll move on much faster if you block your ex.
No. 167322
>>167272I can understand how there's two main downsides to this, one being that yeah legs are a body part most women don't hide away so he has alot of oppurtunity to look at other womens legs. The second downside being that him rubbing himself on your leg won't exactly stimulate you and might even ruin the mood for you. Both things to discuss with him.
The first issue comes down to how much you struggle with jealousy really (unless he's starts being outright vocal about loving other womens legs. Which you haven't described so far) The second issue is the one that I think you need be clear with him about. Speaking from experience, men with fetishes can get wrapped in mostly doing what they want..while neglecting the fact that you just aren't going to come from a half hour of leg humping. They don't always pick up on signals that what they're doing isn't doing a whole lot for you. Have a frank discussion with him about that and make sure that your needs are being met too.
I remember the sheer boredom I felt while dating someone with an obsession for feet. It slowly lead up to a dead bedroom in our case because being expected to lay there while a guy rubs his dick on your leg/foot etc isn't a fun sexy time when it becomes too frequent and other forms of intimacy get pushed back because of it. It killed my desire for him completely. I thought of it as a tame fetish so even at times when I felt sick to death of foot stuff…I still didn't feel entitled to tell him to give that stuff a rest so I can enjoy my faves too. You shouldn't have to feel bored or turned off mid-session. His source of excitement shouldn't be at the expense of your enjoyment. You just have to communicate and figure out what each of you wants or is happy with when it comes to entertaining the fetish or not. Even if people think it's a super tame fetish you still have the right to say no to leg humping if it happens to be a total mood killer for you. You don't have to entertain the kink. If your feelings on it are that strong and he feels put out by that he has the right to want to move on. But don't ignore your own feelings on it and don't just let him do shit that dries you up.
No. 167345
>>167285It's just that legginess isn't as much of a characteristic of womanhood as breasts and hips/butts are.
He doesn't just enjoy them though, he wants to interact with them too. I get touching and kissing/licking, but feeling a need to touch them with his genitalia is fucking weird.
Loyalty means nothing to me if I have no idea if he's initiating sexual contact with me solely because he saw woman legs on an ad/show/movie/etc and got horny.
>>167287My boyfriend has amazing forearms and biceps but i've never looked at them and thought "hmm I totally want to rub myself all over them"
>>167322Thank you anon! My problem mostly stems from what he may be thinking when he sees other women with bare legs. Does he get aroused? or is it just my legs that arouse him? I have to ask him because now every time i see women with bare legs i think they're dressed scantily, same way I would when I see too much cleavage, when really it's just
him that's wrong for thinking legs are in any way erotic. He doesn't neglect all of me, just gives way too much attention to my legs than I would otherwise like.
No. 167356
>>167345I mean even men with a thing for asses can check out women all day long. I wear leggings for comfort and I'm not even a curvy woman but I often get those creepy double takes where a man passes by me and I just know he's going to look back..and then they do. If a guys inclined to look then he'll find his flavor of eye candy no matter what.
Just noticing others in passing is harmless once it doesn't reach that point of 'let me stop and fucking stare til I creep women out'
No. 167367
File: 1610823892853.jpeg (465.24 KB, 1242x1162, 68FB7139-E081-4EB1-995F-3FF219…)
>>167343Yeah, no. This is manipulative, unhealthy and emotionally
abusive. You are in an
abusive relationship. A lot of people think abuse is only physical but that’s not true and in fact it’s a lot more insidious than that. You obviously care about this guy but I hope you take this to heart because this is a really bad situation, and you are right to be scared. Listen to your gut.
>I point out something shitty he did or try to discuss it so we can fix the problem he starts violently hitting himself So you come to him with genuine concerns and instead of communicating with you in a mature manner to reach a solution he deflects by beating on himself. Convenient for him, isn’t it? He never has to look at himself critically, never has to make any changes in his behaviors to make you happy and on top of all that gets to play the guilt card because now you’re less likely to bring up any further requests because you’re scared of him going crazy again. It’s one of the most common play by plays in the abuser’s handbook. He is manipulating you so you’re in a constant state of and can’t speak about your totally normal and healthy requests for his understanding. Don’t try to ask him to change because he won’t do it. People only ever change for themselves. If he cared, he would be listening to you and getting therapy or reading up on free resources or books for how to have a healthy relationship, or
something. Instead he is just repeating the shitty behavior because it’s working out really well for him. Look for Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft on Libgen if you want to understand it further. The only thing you can do in this situation is set boundaries. “If you hit yourself or break any part of our home or belongings again rather than speaking to me calmly, I will leave.” Then he either loves and respects you enough to do that or not. And you know, it’s okay to love him despite this, but setting boundaries is an act of love because it shows you care enough to only allow that person to act in healthy ways - for you and themselves, rather than letting them get away with damaging behavior.
> Has anyone else dealt with something like thisI sure fucking have! Me and millions of other women in
abusive relationships. Physical intimidation alone is enough to be considered abuse but it may escalate into assault as well. Without intervention these things get worse, and sometimes even with support it’s too draining and dangerous for the
victim to remain in the abuser’s blast radius while they’re working on themselves. My recommendation is to tell him your boundary but develop an escape plan first. Be ready to go. I understand moving might be hard but this is a matter of your safety anon and you have to take it seriously. Tell your friends and relatives about what’s going on; abuse thrives in the dark. Often people outside the situation don’t really get it because they haven’t been in it but don’t allow them to hedge or make excuses for him, just state what you want. “Hey, my boyfriend has been doing xyz and I have stated I’m leaving if it happens again. I am concerned for my safety. I wanted you to know about this in case something happens again and I have to leave quickly. Would it be okay if I stay at your place if this occurs?” Then set up a hidden “go bag” with necessities. Phone, wallet, important papers or files (can get a USB/external hard drive if you can’t take a whole computer), money, keys, some clothes and toiletries, whatever else you don’t want to leave behind. When the problem happens again, go as soon as you feel safe to do so. Don’t fucking remind him of what you said and that you’re going to leave so he can retaliate, just wait it out and get away when you feel you can slip out. Later you can call to speak with him about a time you can come back to get all your stuff. Let him know you will be coming with other people (movers, the friends/family, whoever you can get) so he knows he can’t pull any shit on you alone. And if you don’t even feel safe enough to verbally state the boundary, then do all the above without telling him. Good luck anon and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. As an aside, online therapy is a thing. I’ve used BetterHelp but I don’t think they take insurance. TalkSpace is an alternative that does.
No. 167372
>>167367are you perhaps the anon who advised a girl around March last year to break it off with an
abusive bf? if so, thank you- I'm in a much happier relationship now and my ex can honestly eat shit and got outed as a rape apologist, too, both his friends are rapists
More on topic to the same anon though, holy shit, I don't blame you for fearing for your safety, I worry he may eventually hurt you too.
No. 167373
>>167343Part of me wants to say that this sounds like self-abuse, like he hates himself and his behavior so much that he's trying to "punish" himself with the hitting. That being said, if he's literally incapable of discussing any relationship problems without doing this, or
only does this if you try and bring it up, that's a massive red flag for emotional manipulation.
>He said he thought it sounded like I was opening a bottle of pills and he thought I was trying to commit suicideThat's…oddly specific. Does he have any legitimate reason to believe that you may be suicidal?
Either way, even if you believe this relationship is still worth salvaging, your boyfriend clearly needs extensive therapy. If he's not willing to do that, then you seriously need to consider leaving him. The behavior you describe is very scary and I would personally be afraid that one day it's going to escalate to physical violence against you.
No. 167374
>>167372Unfortunately no, I started hanging around here later than that but I'm glad someone gave good advice and that you're free from that relationship. I can relate, my ex was a rapist which I didn't find out until I was close to leaving anyway (nail in the coffin at that point since he was
abusive well beforehand). Congrats on finding a more deserving guy!
No. 167381
>>167343I've been in a similar relationship with him hitting himself, breaking furniture and me just hanging on in there because It would take alot to arrange moving out… but girl it has to happen. This escalation of self inflicted violence and violence directed at objects will only go on for so long before he hits you. What he's passing off as self harm is just an intimidation tactic. He might need years of therapy before he recognises that or will admit it.
You said 'it's scary' and 'I'm scared' multiple times across your post.. His wellbeing stopped being your concern as soon as he brought you to a point where you're living in fear of his outbursts. Find somewhere safe to stay and let him sort his own therapy out if he ever chooses to change. Hitting himself in front of you to avoid discussions is manipulative as hell. Abusers that manage to pull at your heartstrings while also making you live in fear of them are some of the worst. You're describing a series of maladaptive behaviours that
abusive partners use to control situations…it's not about him hating himself, it's not about him being incredibly depressed, he's using these methods to control you and direct attention away from any pressing topics you need to raise. He'll use more of these tactics if you dare to push therapy or change. He can play
victim if he wants but reality is he created a
victim here and after you get out of that environment you're likely to see it for what it really was.
Even if he hasn't hit you, don't be afraid to tell anyone who could possibly take you in that there is violence already, the displays he's putting on are more than enough to count as violent intimidating behaviour.
No. 167383
>>167380Yeah I definitely don't want to excuse his behavior. It's fucked up and manipulative regardless of whether he feels guilt or not. That being said, feeling guilt is actually a good sign and means that the person may be willing to actually address their behavior and work through it. He needs to actually be willing to do this though, as well as admit that he's being
abusive, and from the anon's post, it's kind of hard to tell where exactly he's at.
No. 167388
>>167383>kind of hard to tell where exactly he's atShe said he does this every time she brings up an issue and has already asked him to stop. For years. Again, if he truly cared he would've done something already.
>boyfriend of a few years>whenever we get into an argument>I've asked him to stopIf you are an employee and your boss tells you not to steal company merchandise, and you steal and get caught but cry a lot and they feel bad for you and give you another chance, but then you keep repeating this ad infinitum, you clearly don't feel
that guilty. You are still priotizing your selfishness over the damage you're causing. But most people aren't stupid and entitled enough to do something like this, not to mention most businesses would never put up with it. He's doing it because he can get away with it and simply doesn't care that much about the stress, fear and pain it causes his girlfriend. As
>>167381 said, it's more convenient for him to play the
victim than admitting he's created one.
>put his head through the bedroom door once because I locked it while we were arguing. Then he kicked it down later that same day when I opened the window in the bedroom because he shut the air conditioning off to force me out of the room.Anon tries to get space from him to feel safe. First he tries to force her out by manipulating the AC, then he literally breaks down the boundary between them. Entitlement, control, ownership. No guilt, no love.
No. 167482
>>167479If you feel safe doing so (no signs of him retaliating when you've expressed dissatisfaction before) and if you think you'd enjoy the relationship again if he changed these behaviors, then I would let him know. People get all antsy about issuing ultimatums like you're somehow forcing someone to act a certain way, but I prefer saying that you're stating your boundaries. Your partner doesn't
have to abide by your requests and you're not intimidating them into staying with you, you're simply expressing that you need certain things to be happy or else you'll need to move on. It's just being upfront and in these instances your partner can't say you never gave them a chance.
No. 167508
>>167479I've been left in shock after what felt like sudden break ups before and tbh I've often ruminated over it and thought 'I wish I had a clearcut warning of where his head was at' because I had no idea.
If he's an unreasonable person you run the risk of him getting pissy with you over it but if he's not you're at least being clear and giving him the best chance of addressing the issues. I would be honest.
No. 167523
>>167479Honestly, I wouldn't mention it. He shouldn't try to work on the issue because else you leave, he should try it because he wants the both of you to have a nice relationship. If he only takes your discomfort seriously under the threat of a break-up and when
he's the one facing consequences for it, I personally would think he doesn't value your feelings all that much.
No. 167568
File: 1610910868921.jpg (142.7 KB, 640x640, fc23c2bc5ae56475db44da41e56693…)
The "what are we" conversation.
When to ask? Is it better to not bring it up at all? Let him lead into that and ditch if he doesn't?
No. 167631
File: 1610941960849.jpg (78.35 KB, 500x498, a9dd768615770c6623f63b2a53e89d…)
>>167605>>167573Thanks. It's been about 2 months for us and I've been upset at him lately because I'm feeling unsure about where we are. I don't like not being taken seriously. He seems bothered by this and says I'm "ruining the fun part" and "being angsty". I will meet with him 12 hours from now and we'll see if I have a relationship or not tomorrow. Will update.
No. 167656
>>167644Do
you think you're looking for a father figure? Honestly, I think the better question here is why is this guy dating someone 16 years younger than him?
No. 167657
File: 1610959498765.jpeg (Spoiler Image,144.85 KB, 750x668, A22E701F-A881-478F-972F-D9DE42…)
I really don’t understand men. Was getting along with someone really well, so I thought, he would message me often sweet things, call me etc. Then the past few days he’s been “busy” which is fine, 1-2 messages a day. I havent double messaged him or pestered him but like yesterday he messaged me good morning etc etc and said he had a “nice dream about me and he might tell me about it later”, I gave him a normal response really - good morning, asked him what it was but then he left me unread and disappeared but was online multiple times throughout the day for long periods of time (yes I checked because I am a crazy woman kek) then he’s been watching my stories too but like? What happened and what do I do? I deleted his number and chat so I can’t double message him or keep checking if he’s online or not but I am going crazy and don’t know if I should have messaged him again or something. Is this normal male behavior or have I just been ghosted? Plz be nice, I’m usually not crazy but things like this cause me to be insecure and tip me over.
No. 167696
>>167644My last bf was 12 years older than me and whether or not I wanted a father figure (I have a pretty ok dad already) I ended up stuck with this messed up non-equal dynamic. I think it's worth considering that whether you're seeking out that figure or not…a 16 year gap will very often result in an unequal power dynamic down the line anyway.
With my ex I worked equal hours, made equal pay, paid equal parts of the rent and bills and did more around the house… still every disagreement turned into a lecture from my 'second dad'. I was 27 to 30 when we dated and was spoken to like an absolute moron.. Which left me feeling like a child and dented my confidence. You might not get that treatment til you're living together and he's confident that has you secured. Personally I would never let myself get into that situation again. No big age gaps because I question any man going for younger women. I'm 32 now and I know I certainly wouldn't touch someone more than 5 years younger than me..so men doing that have screwed up standards imo. I wish I had thought of it that way sooner.
When you're say 36 are you going to date a 20 year old or is that kind of obscene? If it's obscene for you then it's not okay for him to do either.
No. 167764
>>167696i'm 21 and i think the age gap is WHY i'm in the relationship.
when i was in school i had a ton of teacher fantasies and wanted older men to take advantage of me, which is sick, i know.
i think i'm reliving(?) some unresolved childhood trauma here.
i guess i knew that there was already an issue, i think i just needed somebody to confirm it for me. thanks,
No. 167893
>>16788525 to 31. It's less about being socially acceptable and more about how the chances of it being an unhealthy relationship increase a lot with age gaps.
Where is a mans head at if he's aiming for someone ten years younger? I want to date someone who is on my level in terms of having experienced life. When a man opts for a partner with significantly less life experience it tells you all you need to know.
No. 167967
>>167885My bf is 10 years older than me. I’ve always liked older guys, but wanted to keep the age gap at 5-7 years ideally. However, he’s the nicest person I’ve ever gone out with and respects and cherishes me more than anyone ever has. We started dating when I was 25, so it’s not like I was super young and naive or anything.
I just wanted to give my personal experience. I agree with what other anons are saying, so maybe my bf is the exception to the rule, but it’s going to vary from person to person of course. If you meet someone you really like, don’t let an age gap cause you to rule them out, unless it’s clearly a problem in the dynamic.
No. 168341
File: 1611341424632.png (152.85 KB, 454x464, happey2.png)
>>167644after some deep introspection it turns out i was retarded so we broke up. also he was a dumbass climate change denier and now he's throwing an incel woe is me fit about losing me. good riddance.
No. 168342
>>167885If we're talking socially acceptable: roughly 5 years and definitely no more than 8. And as a woman dating a man: not younger.
Personally I think up to 3 years older max is ideal.
No. 168406
>>168378So this is all very fast, at every stage. Fast on onset, fast to break up on his word, fast to get back together AGAIN at his word, and very fast to break up at his word once AGAIN.
What is he, a defrosting freezer in a fucking telenovela? This sort of hot-cold-hot-cold shit is not normal, natural, or okay. You do not abandon someone who you care about - or love! - this easily.
You're confused because he's playing you around like you're some spinning toy. Everything he says, goes. Oh he wants you, now! Oh, he doesn't want you, suddenly! No, he wants you again, oops! Come on, now, girl.
Boot him to the curb and let him see if he can find his own ass with both hands for once. This is ridiculous. It's not a matter of communicating, honestly, if that was the cure it should have worked out for you guys right after you got together again… but it didn't… because your dingbat windsock boyfriend does not care enough to stick around longer than it takes for him to get his emotional and sexual fix.
No. 168409
This may seem like a wild one and you probably will think im a dummy.
My boyfriend and I have been together for going 2 years now. He seems to really love me, and has made a lot of sacrifices for me. We live together and spend a lot of time together.
Now when I say sacrifices, I am talking about his literal faggotry before we met. He spent almost a year and a half on vr chat, erping with guys. He had a weird relationship with a guy in hs but tells me today that he felt guilty and 'wrong' and broke with that guy soon after. I've sneaked peaks at his discord before, he's definitely been very promiscuous with trannies and had a folder full of it.
When we first met we were just mates, he was a friend of a guy I was currently dating lmfao.
We went out bar hopping and chatting (legit no sexual shit, it was nice) and at the end of the night we got basically blackout drunk and he kissed a 'guy full of makeup' in the bathrooms. Which he told me he really regrets today.
So anyhow, why am I ranting? Well I want to know if any if you have dealt with something similar. I keep reading about 'dating bi guys' but honestly I dont care about 'love and acceptance and dont be a bigot' type shit.
I just want some real perspective.
In my opinion, and he and I have discussed this before, he was severely lonely and sad for years, alone in his room, and found solace playing gay online with guys. Like jail theory or whatever. (I should mention he has had a girlfriend before and slept with girls)
Is it dangerous dating a man who is fluid in their sexuality? In todays world guys are so addicted to porn Im not surprised they're all becoming bi or whatever.
No. 168415
>>168409>So anyhow, why am I ranting? Well I want to know if any if you have dealt with something similar. I keep reading about 'dating bi guys' but honestly I dont care about 'love and acceptance and dont be a bigot' type shit. >I just want some real perspective.uh this sounds like some pure "tell me what I want to hear so I don't get uncomfy" bullshit, anon.
if he's bi, he's bi, you need to make peace with your insecurities on that front. don't make his "issues" about kissing guys in drag yours, either. trannies or no trannies, your bf will be attracted to people who are not like you! try to cope.
as to his porn consumption, well. he's a modern guy. it's sadly really typical he'd be into super explicit and messed-up porn, and usually some pretty drastic shit just to get a reaction out of it. it's "normal" for guys who consume porn to get into shit featuring slapping, choking, strangling etc hardcore shit really really fast, and they go on to seek out anything weirder and wilder that makes their peens twinge. it's not necessarily the appeal of the thing itself but the appeal of it being "extra".
No. 168418
>>168415Yeah you're right, I realized how I sounded after I wrote it and just cbf editing it to be more concise.
I legit don't care about 'tell me what I want to hear' because I get it, I just want another female perspective on what its like dating a bi guy/guys with heavy porn addictions.
Yeah you're right in the last part. Cheers anon
No. 168439
>>168407anon, I obviously don’t know your bf or your relationship, but this part:
>he got angry with me for saying that because he said I said it like “he was going to turn around & hit me”made me immediately think, “that’s a guy who’s going to turn around & hit you one day”. it’s really worrying that he thought you were afraid of him, and rather than being concerned about how he was behaving to cause that reaction, he chose to get angry at you in response. please take care of yourself, OK?
No. 168463
>>168418I would honestly completely disregard what that anon said because while it is "normal" for men to consume
abusive porn, that doesn't mean its okay.
Does he really have a porn problem/addiction? If so it will not get better and you will have to bear the burden of his problem. Do not put up with men like that
No. 168487
>>168462No. For the most part I'm a pretty goofy/giggly drunk. When my ex was in the love bomb stage and things were "good" and I got drunk, I mostly got extra playful and horny with him. When he was in the abuse stage and I got drunk, I mostly got weepy/frustrated and would confront him about being an asshole to me (to which he would immediately blame me and play the
victim). Basically boozing doesn't make you a different person, it just reduces your inhibitions to do things you already want to do, as you imply by mentioning "shit you [normally] hold back." The fact that you're getting mad is a sign that you aren't happy with things but instead of talking about it/addressing it when you're sober you bottle it up, which isn't healthy. If you're that frustrated with your boyfriend then you're not happy with the relationship, and if you're not happy then why are you staying?
No. 168525
>>168522A map to hang on the wall with the place or coordinates marked on it where you first met
Or bake him something
No. 168569
Another failed attempt at sex. He seemed very sad and deep in thought afterwards. When prodded he admitted that everytime I've been on top of him has been painful and unenjoyable and he had given up trying to find a way to make it feel good. He was in tears while he was telling me this. Holy shit I want to fucking die. I'm obese, 5'4 192 lbs, used to be 270 lbs. Lost weight so that he'd be more attracted to me. Still trying to lose weight but it's a struggle. I've always avoided getting on top of him but he seemed to want me to, so I tried, the entire time worrying that I'm suffocating him, but he'd assure me everything was okay and I just needed to be more confident… When we met he told me he didn't care about my weight but it seems like all the problems in our relationship stem from it. I don't think I'll ever be good enough for him and it's starting to feel more and more like we'd both be better off breaking up. He only faps to thin women, his exes were all thin, he's told me he "likes girls he can lift up", and that he typically would've never dated a fat girl but something about me seemed special… I don't know what to do. I'm trying to lose weight, I've already lost 80 lbs,.. but what if I can't lose anymore? It feels like my entire relationship is in jeopardy because I can't stop eating. & tbh part of me feels angry because from the very beginning he said he didn't care about my weight. Why did he even continue dating me if he knew he wasn't attracted to me?? Is it selfish of me to feel that way?
No. 168578
>>168569 I'm sorry such an ass happened to you. Look, not to demean his problems to you because you love him, but it's not that painful for a guy. If he's 130+ he should have no fucking problem with you as you are. Even then, sex has a variety of positions and one not working is just room for another. He shouldn't be that broken up. He decided to date you while knowing you were a bit chubby; men know exactly what sex entails with a big girl. Even then, he has narrow preferences and you lost weight to try. You tried your best to make a guy with set attractions like your body. He's deceptive and a big asshole who's probably saying "I like what you aren't so please change into the perfect woman for me." type of shit.
You don't need to lose weight for an asshole. Just live. If you lose weight, lose it for yourself and not some under-average guy who can't bare having a girl on top. Perhaps you should separate for your own sake.
No. 168584
>>168569Im going to be devils advocate and say, tbh, he is a human too. If it hurts, it hurts. My bf and I are normal weight and even he says me on top can hurt him sometimes and we have to adjust ourselves differently.
My bf also has preferences, and maybe its just me, but I like meeting those preferences.
I like knowing a man is telling me how to look good, and then when I achieve this he loves it.
We as woman CONSTANTLY tell guys to do this or not to do this or say this and not to say this. There is nothing wrong in my opinion for a guy to ask you to lose some weight. I actually gained weight recently and my bf legit was honest and said I should lose some and holy shit do I feel better and he always gives me compliments now and its almost like back to a lust period.
You two need to get your communication on point more. Guys have trouble being honest and when they are honest, we get really cut about it because they can be brash. Just tell him in return that you hate being on top too or something. Spice up your life in another way. Its totally okay to be unhappy with things in relationships and to ask for changes.
Good luck
No. 168591
>>168561A man trying to transition IS a sinking hole and he will drag your happiness and future down with it. Not letting him go will risk you getting hurt you in the long run too.
>if I would still love him if he transitioned This is such a manipulative question with the intent to trap. Anyway I think it's important to remember you can still continue loving him as a person/friend, if that's what you want, while letting the romantic relationship between you two go because you're (rightfully) not attracted and romantically interested in women/trans"women".
No. 168608
>>168584nah, I agree with
>>168606, this is borderline some pick-me shit. having preferences is totally okay, and so is wanting to look good for your partner, but completely dictating your weight/appearance based on what your boyfriend says is unhealthy and could lead to some
toxic shit happening. the first anon’s bf is being manipulative about his “preferences” and causing her serious self esteem issues, that’s not okay
No. 168620
>>168584Wouldn't you agree that
a) she already lost 90 lbs so she already actively tried to please him and his preferences and
b) she was already at her heaviest when they met and started dating so he agreed dating someone her size AND told her he didn't care about her weight when they met? She didn't gain the weight while dating (as far as I can tell from the post anyway)
So that defeats the points your making that it's not wrong for a guy to ask her to lose weight. She already lost a massive amount AND he told her when he met her he didn't care about the weight. I think it's shitty to now come back from that and expect her to lose even more weight.
I also think
>We as woman CONSTANTLY tell guys to do this or not to do this or say this and not to say this. this isn't true for many women at all. Unless you believe that expecting basic hygiene and manners from the men we're dating is something that deserves compensation, I don't.
No. 168691
>>168635Make him jealous. It drives guys crazy. They literally have 2 cogs working in their brain I swear. If you leave no mystery for them they turn into petty bitches. Act a bit sassy, pretend old Chad has been flirting up with you when you go to the store or gym or whatever but make it out like its no big deal. The feeling of losing a girl like that will make him go absolutely nuts for you. Tried and true technique lmfao its so unhealthy but bitch, men can be fucking retarded.
Well done on the weight loss, and good luck on your relationship.
No. 168717
>>168714Agreed.
>>168713>She should have a partner who truly appreciates and supports her instead of having to play stupid mind games for the sake of a passive aggressive coomer assholeReally wishing for a fantasy here sis. All guys are retarded about some bullshit or other.
No. 168739
File: 1611553454916.jpeg (95.66 KB, 1102x707, 0CF8E0FA-49AE-494E-8DE8-A3C836…)
>>168735Anon…your bf sounds incredibly mean and shitty. Nothing could be said here that would excuse his behavior or help you fix this.
No. 168747
>>168741You tell him you are done with him, and not to contact you again. And nothing more. No ifs, buts, explanations, or any other further communication. "I am done with you and this relationship. Do not try to contact me again."
Then you ice him out. Block his number, block him on socials, ignore him. His shit goes to the trash outside and you move the fuck on. If you can't stay firm with him if you communicate with him, you just leave him no avenue to communicate with you.
Good luck. It's past time to flush a mean, useless little turd like him. He's treating you incredibly badly, and it's not okay.
No. 168766
File: 1611571219149.jpg (9.84 KB, 303x166, download.jpg)
>meet guy trough friend on discord
> normie lives in another state
>has feelings for me he agrees to be FWB
> we meet in a town 11 hours away
> perfect date he goes above and beyond to make me happy
> weekend ends
> supposed to meet for party but KI couldnt travel due to covid
>he texts me less and less
>we talk about it
>he says hes going trough something but I can feel him becoming more distant
> discord friend tells me its the same to her
> I talk to him he reassures me
> he now leaves me in read
we only met once IRL but I catched feelings and im supposed to see him in two weeks
Hes apologised for not texting so much and told me hes going trough something should i believe him and still travel to his state?
No. 168770
File: 1611572491201.jpeg (Spoiler Image,211.92 KB, 1000x1065, D62B5E8D-6472-460A-AA22-1B71DB…)
>>168768Another thing that seems sus is he stopped texting me thought the day but today an yesterday he texted me at the same time?
This would have been a no brainer had he not let me lift a finger or pay for anything, taking me to a Michelin restaurant paid for the Airbnb the driven me half way home on our first meet up.
He put in so much effort before I’m just confused
No. 168771
>>168766Anon, value yourself. Ever hear the phrase, “If he wanted to, he would”? If he wanted to be in contact with you, if he wanted to continue developing the relationship and getting to know you and at least be respectful, he would. But he’s not because you just don’t matter to him outside of being a super convenient booty call who’s willing to travel to another fucking
state to meet him. Christ if you’re that desperate for mediocre dick at least pick someone local, it’ll be way less hassle and expense for you. And not that it should need to be said, but just because this idiot doesn’t value you doesn’t mean you have no value, he’s just your run of the mill asshole.
No. 168782
File: 1611574054816.jpeg (154.82 KB, 1310x873, 767E95F1-F0C2-44D6-A774-9E1F26…)
I gave him a pass because he’s on exam week at uni and my friend said he’s short with her too.
No. 168784
>>168782>sharing a guybig
oof. you're gonna get your heart hurt.
No. 168789
>>168784Not sharing him with friend she is just his best friend and she’s married
>>168783Pandemic was completely eradicated in my country as of last week
No. 168838
>>168794I think you have to have a deep understanding of yourself and your wants/needs in a relationship, because countless women have thought their partner was right for them and been sadly disappointed years later. The biggest question for me is: Does your partner genuinely
improve your life and make you feel happy over 90% of the time? If he’s just sort of there, or he makes you happy but it’s only 50/50 with the other half making you feel miserable or odd or just “eh,” then you’re really better off alone. Your partner should drastically improve your life because men live longer when they’re married but women live
less under the same conditions. So if you want to be the exception amid those statistics you’d better be damn sure you have a hell of a man who you can genuinely say has never mistreated you, never made you seriously upset by his behavior (and for smaller offenses, has been very open with communication and improving himself), truly appreciates your presence in his life, brings something to the table and treats you like the most precious thing in the world, because otherwise it just isn’t worth it.
No. 168860
File: 1611591952988.jpg (91.28 KB, 450x629, 182892.jpg)
there is a difference between being a misandrist because men have taken advantage of you versus being a misogynist because your ex cheated on you right? I'm willing to bet my boyfriend was attracted to his "slooty" ex because of it, not despite it. I'm willing to bet he never asked her what led her down that path (and I'm willing to bet it has to do with some sort of trauma regarding men) or encouraged her to seek therapy. No, why would he? He benefitted from her being the way she was, probably gave him sex whenever he wanted, tried whatever he wanted, dressed provocatively so he had eye candy 24/7. I'm not trying to strip her of any blame, she shouldn't have deceived him, that's completely on her. But the other half falls on society's shoulders for telling her that her worth is measured by how many men she pleases. I refuse to believe there weren't red flags he overlooked because she was "hot" so some of it also falls on his shoulders. He knew damn well what he was getting into. They were both the same age, there was no power imbalance. Unlike in my case, I don't think I have to say anything else other than I was a literal CHILD.
Sorry for the vent it's just I'm sick and tired of him feeling the need to counter my pointing out the shitty things do with misogyny because he feels salty and takes it as a personal attack. He never points out shitty things women do, just generalizes as a whole, things that include me which is like???????? Am I really supposed to just deal with it because his ex cheated on him? boohoo, poor him is my opinion but I want you anons' takes.
Something tells me he just does it to irritate me because he likes making incendiary comments all the time about absolutely everything and he always says it's ironic so this may be another case of that. Or maybe I'm giving him too much benefit the doubt because he's starting to sound unironically "redpilled"
No. 168863
File: 1611593050807.jpeg (157 KB, 749x732, 1598571097795.jpeg)
>>168860You're right. Women hate men because they cheat on, beat on, rape and murder and oppress us since the beginning of history. Men can only hate women for insulting his self-worth (aka his dick) by not fucking them and/or fucking someone else. Are you going to continue dating a misogynist?
No. 168871
>>168868>>168869I keep having to conquer the feeling he was "special"
He had a great bod, was self supporting, knew a lot about useful stuff and wasn't a slob.
But he also left me drunk and alone in a parking lot.
It took me years to find someone I clicked with and I keep worrying it will never happen again.
No. 168874
>>168871I think it feels like this most of the times, but once you move on you'll see that even though it's not the easiest there are more people you'll click with, maybe even better than with that guy. And hopefully they won't leave you drunk and alone anywhere.
Distract yourself with some mindless entertainment, cry a lot, don't bottle up anything, you'll be fine in few weeks from now. Fingers crossed!
No. 168900
>>168881This is reminding me of my racist, misogynist ex. I am completely on board with
>>168893. Men like this are NOT doing it ironically, they are using “humor” that’s entirely humorless as a thinly veiled excuse to hide their very real hatred of the groups they put down. You have to ask yourself (and them) what the joke really is. The reason most humor works is because we believe that despite some level of absurdity, there’s still a sliver of truth in it. So when he says, “Oh she’s a gold digger, she’s a slut, she’s a bitch… jk jk!” remember that the “joke” is that women are subhuman, and there’s absolutely nothing fucking funny about that. I cannot interact with sarcastic people or anyone with “edgy” humor these days because it’s so childish, demeaning and pathetic. It’s bullying as a substitute for a personality. People like this are cowards with no self worth who only feel good about themselves by putting others down. I later found out my ex had used and abused other women even worse than he did me before we met and looking back it should’ve been the most obvious thing on the planet. But I was young and naive and wanted to believe he really was just being ~ironic~ and not actually a terrible person. The joke was on me, all right. Skip the wasted time, shame and pain if you’re smart, anon. When someone shows you, much less straight up tells you who they are,
listen. And ask yourself why you’re accepting this sort of behavior and choosing to make a man who engages in it your boyfriend. Are that afraid of being alone? Are you that desperate for affection regardless of who it comes from? Have you been unable to find some measure of happiness without a partner? I’m not judging you for any of those potential answers, it’s just that many women accept bottom of the barrel scum because we’ve been conditioned to believe we don’t deserve any better. So if that might be you, I advise therapy/self help books/whatever you need to develop some standards because otherwise you’re just going to exist in a world of hurt where bad people take advantage of you.
No. 168910
>>168893Well I did tell him I hated men and I don't see anything wrong with it and explained why and how I wasn't going to apologize for it even if he feels bad about it because it's not the same at all, trying to get him to own up and list reasons why women can justifiably be hated on. He didn't….. He just agreed with me that it's indeed not comparable…… I'm not surprised because a lot of the time I've shit on men he agreed with me.
Also
tbf he's never exhibited hatred, just, seems to agree with ironic misogyny by making one worded statements, usually while we're watching something, so it makes it difficult to pinpoint what about that whole brief scene we just watched did he find so funny, was it really that or was it something else?
The most recent example and which I suppose was the last straw that broke the camel's back was we were watching this show with puppets, and Trump's puppet says women over 27 are old. And he made it a point to emphasize how funny he found it, saying holy based lol which is pretty cringe imo
>>168900Yeah he's never said anything like that, but there are women he considers "sloppy seconds. It seems a lot of the stuff he says is him putting me on a pedestal, since he's my first boyfriend. I obviously don't find it flattering that he needs to put down other women to do this. Hell, I don't even want to be placed on a pedestal. As I'm writing this, now I'm wondering if this is why I'm doubting myself so much and not wanting to leave. hmm…. like because then I'll be "sloppy seconds" too? not that I care, I know it's bs so that can't be it.
I'm happy with myself anon, we're just compatible in a lot of ways. He doesn't even watch porn. We share a lot of the same values and we never really argue. I really think I may be overreacting. I tend to overthink a lot.
No. 168917
>>168910>"he's never exhibited hatred">laughs at "joke" about women over 27 being old>calls ex "slooty" >agrees with "ironic" misogyny>calls women "sloppy seconds">puts down other women so you can feel like an extra special pickme/nlogSince the nicer responses didn't stick, let me be blunt: You keep saying he's not that bad but literally every fact you share about his
actual words and actions contradicts this. The man you are dating is a misogynistic asshole. Period. You are being delusional and making excuses for a misogynist because it's benefiting you and making you feel good about yourself. His behavior is definitely worse, but you defending this piece of shit is disgusting in its own way. Staying with this guy is showing him he can continue holding vile opinions about women and still get to fuck one. Well done.
>I really think I may be overreacting.You're underreacting. Why do you want to be with a man like this instead of one who actively stands up for women, respects them regardless of how many sexual partners they've had and doesn't laugh over retarded humor confirming his misogynistic beliefs about women having expiration dates and no value beyond their fuckability? If this is your personal "bar" for men then your standards are in the dumpster. Wake up.
>We share a lot of the same valuesGlad you agree with him that other women are little more than living fleshlights. You sound like the mother of a rapist frantically hand waving and shrieking, "But he's such a good boy who contributes a lot to the community and loves everyone!" Doesn't matter if he has a handful of good qualities when the rest of him is rotten.
No. 168920
>>168910I was about to post the exact same response as
>>168917 (damn it anon now I gotta delete kek)
OP you’re snorting cope like it’s crack. He literally acts like a textbook redditor misogynist.
>but he’s nice to me and pretends to agree with my man-hateYeah no shit, he’s fucking you for free.
No. 168923
>>168920Sorry to steal your thunder anon! I'm glad you still replied for support and also for this million dollar line
>snorting cope like it’s crackI'm going to steal that one kek
No. 168928
>>168860>>168910You say you two are compatible but that's only really because you are somehow willing to overlook so much bullshit from this guy that it's unreal. That isn't compatibility. That's being a passive doormat. No wonder he likes being 'your first' Those sloppy seconds women…they might learn something along the way.
You are basically seeing red flags everywhere and just gritting your teeth and going "nah this is fine, I'm fine" It's that meme where the house is on fire and the dog sits there like everything is ok. Every paragraph in your posts adds another alarm bell. Honestly this is a no brainer, I think deep down you know this guy aint shit. You know this man is going to be a regret you look back on someday.
No. 168998
>>168952Your priority should always be yourself. You want to go to school and improve yourself - that's a great thing! If he's content to live with his folks and not even hold down a job, that is NOTHING to compromise your own future over.
Tell him your plans as facts, not as maybes. If he wants to stay with you, he needs to get off his ass. He sounds incredibly selfish by expecting you to drop your own dreams and prospects… for what? Some unemployed schmuck who doesn't even have his own place? Don't let his inertia keep you from building your own life and future, anon.
No. 169022
My boyfriend used to be into PUA shit before we met, like for an entire year before meeting me his goal was to sleep with as many women as possible, I was one of these hook-ups actually, he just stayed with me. Initially I felt that it's fine, he abandoned it now and past is in the past, he's been great to me, very loving and patient, actually never said anything sexist, respects women and all that, you'd never guess that he got into PUA at any point of his life; but somehow even though 2 years has passed I feel like deep inside it really bothers me, I don't know why but just makes me feel deeply upset and insecure.
I guess it's not very smart because he is a good person now and it's now that matters, but how you think you would feel? How to deal with these feelings?
No. 169026
>>169022PUA mentality is very predatory, and not just in the obvious way (where women are prey), but it also convinces losers that they need to score a lot of chicks to "level up". It's basically a cult. Your boyfriend might just be one of those losers that had no good male rolemodels or friends and found himself in the arms of their teachings when trying to figure out how to meet women.
You're the one who knows him, so you are the one who can think about whether he's just someone who got overexcited to prove himself to some invisible cult leaders or if he has an inner wish to fuck around and see women in that light. Can he make fun of the PUA mentality, or does he think it's something that's honestly good/acceptable, but he just doesn't need it anymore?
No. 169034
>>169022I've overlooked a sketchy sexual past before because I felt like the guy had changed (in retrospect it's pretty naive to think I had such a transformative effect on an already grown man) IME the end of the fuzzy hooneymoon period opened my eyes to how little he had actually changed. We were together 2.5 years when he started acting distant and it turns out he was back doing the dodgy sexual stuff he had abandoned when we met. I have no way of knowing how long he had been going behind my back. Based on that I wouldn't sink a few more years of my time into anyone like that again. I pay more heed when the warning signs are laid out at the beginning of dating someone. I'm not just talking about a history or sleeping around (I've been there too) but a similar predatory or sports like approach to getting women to do the most for him. Taking pride in that retarded gameplaying around sex.
I would personally worry about anyone who can appear so fickle as to prey on women today and settle down 'for the right girl' next week. People don't change overnight like that. I think that nagging feeling you have is more than understandable. I don't know how you fix that or how you ever truly trust someone with a history like his. I don't know that you should trust him.
No. 169036
>>169026>PUA mentality is very predatory, and not just in the obvious wayYeah, thats the thing, wanting to meet people of opposite sex is fine and natural, but going into that (he legit paid $10k for in person PUA course thing) just feels so unnatural I think? And it's not like he was a complete loser before too, he had long term girlfirends and no problem making friends; no idea what pushed im to that. He believes it's not healthy "long term" but helped him "at the time" and I just don't know.
>>169027> my guess is you’re feeling upset because you don’t feel the issue is actually “resolved”.Yeah, I think it's exactly that, but I don't know if it ever can be resolved. We talked a lot and he tried to explain but somehow it's something that is just hard to explain, such a switch in approach to how a person handles relationships with opposite gender… I just don't know. Will try to talk with him more, but right now I feel bad about keeping digging in the past.
>>169034Thanks for sharing, I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially since this is exactly what I'm worried about. Like you've said, people don't change overnight, and it's just so odd he'd be able to just "flip the switch". I guess there's no hurt in staying vigilant.
No. 169040
>>169036If a man has paid thousands to specifically learn how to manipulate women then how are you ever meant to trust anything he says?
Relationships are trust based and you chose someone that very few women on earth would ever trust. If you want a healthy relationship with this guy then you're basically asking for the impossible.
No. 169045
File: 1611676590463.gif (785.81 KB, 400x367, 1518197687469.gif)
>>169036>he legit paid $10k for in person PUA course thingOK, that's much worse than I thought when I answered. That's way more involved than reading some books or hanging out on PUA forums. At the very least he's someone that could be convinced by any snakesoil-salesmen as long as they promise to give him easy solutions. Even weirder if he's an actually social guy.
No. 169057
…you've given me serious food for thought here, anons. I've never had any chance to discuss this with any other women but deep inside I always felt any woman would agree with me it feels dangerous. Maybe I was afraid of confronting it.
>>169042>he just thinks he’s better than the dorks who never move beyond it, aka secure a long-term girlfriend.He legit said something like this to me once, and that "he's glad he did it because otherwise he wouldn't meet me". It sounded like a good thing but didnt sit right with me, now I see why.
>>169045Honestly as much as the price is insane to me he's rich enough to not be as bothered I suppose, still it's a crazy investment that could be spent better elsewhere. Arguably, I've seen some videos of the "teacher" guy and it wasn't nearly as bad as some other PUA stuff - more focused on confidence than idk, pick up techniques like negging; doesn't change a fact he left this teaching convinced that meeting new women constantly and never continue seeing anyone for longer than a week even if he likes that person is a way to become a better man.
>>169050I believe it was self esteem thing but it's weird to me someone would turn to PUA instead going to therapy, really… I don't know.
No. 169082
>>169057Good point, you could sure get some therapy with ten grand…if self-improvement was the goal. It obviously wasn't though. It was manipulating women and getting into as many holes as possible before moving on again. There's no way to dress that up and make it more palatable without just deluding yourself on the nature of pua.
My one (I suspect) pua experience was last year. I had a guy approach me at not even 8am when I was walking to work at the beginning of covid, before masks were a thing here. This guy made small talk about the craziness of the virus leaving china or whatever… and when the small talk died out and I wanted to just walk on he followed me asking a list of personal questions (including where I work) I stopped on the spot looking at my phone to let him walk ahead, he didn't. I said bye, he didn't leave. He made out like he was saying goodbye and he wanted a handshake first… I reminded him of the virus we'd just been discussing. He wanted to know what I was doing on my phone, he wanted my phone number and I laughed and said no to repeated requests for it. He used a bunch of lines about 'living a little'
I told him I had a call to make and told him to go away. I waited around for 5 mins to let him fuck off properly. I get to work slightly late because of him..he's at the doorway chatting up a different woman but he quickly leaves her to lean in and whisper to me "oh it's a small world" It was all so contrived! I can only guess that was some PUA tard flirting with women and scouting them out at 8am during the early days of fucking covid when he'd no pubs or clubs to do it at. I have had anxiety walking to work now for 9/10 months every day now. He did not give a fuck that I wanted him gone, he was trying to create this scenario of bumping into me but he gave away that he'd seen me around alot and I wear black every day (work uniform) the creep factor set in more when I realised he'd tried to impress me by listing what clothing I usually wear?? I have no respect for men that put fear into women by trampling boundaries and thinking they are hunting them. 10 months of still feeling anxious walking to work….because some douche liked the look of me in my work pants or some stupid shit that of course comes above my right to not feel harassed and followed to my workplace. I've relived that scene a thousand times in my head because it deeply bothered me. The contrived feeling, the hints that he'd scoped me out. The feeling that he had a script.
Judge a man by how he treats women as a whole, and not just how he treats you. That's a motto I've learnt to stick with.
No. 169085
>>169082Uhh this is so creepy, just reading it makes me feel bad. That's the thing, like youve said, the script; you can just tell that person is not actually looking for real connection and conversation but checking out points on the list that will eventually lead him to getting your phone number, like it's a video game quest. So depersonalizing.
I haven't really experienced anything as obvious as you but my country often is a "training ground" for foreign PUA flocks (eastern european but a lot of people speak english), my friend had some experiences and pointed out more than once in the most common transit spots in the city center, waiting for the bus or whatever you'd sometimes see a group of men dressed smart casual coming together, looking around a bit and then disband, to approach some women separately, seems very clear what's happening there.
No. 169110
File: 1611701728214.jpg (64.38 KB, 500x500, artworks-000169213536-lmzcdt-t…)
>>169057Small update, we talked, he defended himself by saying he "needed it because he was bad at sex", "needed more confidence in contact with other people" and also "it helped him in every area of life and he wouldn't have a senior position at work without it"; when I asked if he would recommend it to me then, as I also would like to have a promotion and be more successful in contacts with others he said that no, it would definitely mess me up because women are different. Just great. Not to be extreme but men should go fuck themselves sometimes.
No. 169241
>>169110>I asked if he would recommend it to me thenBased
nonny, I love that you turned this around on him to expose his hypocrisy and sexism. I hope you get the hell out now because he's shown his true colors and they aren't pretty. He's got some rotten core beliefs. Virtual hugs to you though because I know it's shitty when you want to believe the best of someone and they really let you down.
No. 169270
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My boyfriend is suffocating me which led to me barely messaging/calling him throughout the week.
I'm a coward and I don't want to straight up tell him "Please give me space before I poke a hundred holes in your ballsack." Because I know if I mention anything about needing space he's going to take it as 'I don't love you anymore.' Or he'll keep begging me or try to find some way to keep talking to me. He always has to be in some kind of contact with me. We call almost every night and text every. single. day. I'm starting to get bored of him because we really don't have anything else to talk about because we're always fucking talking. I've gotten so sick of it that I now leave my phone in my drawer and mainly use my laptop just so I can breathe.
I love my boyfriend, but I'm the type who needs space or else my brain will shut down. It's funny because I have zero irl and internet friends so you'd think I'd be the one who's clingy. He has two siblings and irl friends and he somehow always wants to be up my ass.
I'm starting to think maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship.
No. 169303
i need to leave my bf bc he kept stringing me along despite never wanting children, when i first wanted to leave he lied and said he now wants them just for me, and cried and begged for me not to leave, but the entire relationship he puts nearly 0 effort into compared to my efforts. he has multiple disorders and illnesses he refuses to get treated for lying he has no money but then spending it on all his addictions instead that are harmful and childish. it is very hard to leave him because he starts guilt tripping over the slightest withdrawal from me. like i am genuinely afraid he will try to kill himself. but he is horrible to be with, he manipulates, tries to make me jealous, belittles me, envies my job and friends and ignores me on purpose when i am "doing too good", only wants anal or quick boring sex with clothes on despite me being skinny.
i talked with my sister about this and she says she will help me go through it. the other thing is i try not to get nostalgic for the good times with him. for this i tried making myself have a crush on someone else. we are going to talk soon but i am afraid to do it without breaking up with my boyfriend first, and having the other guy think i am a whore, trying to cheat, or i only think of him as a friend. we met when i was already dating the other guy but he liked me. but the break up is going to be long and hard because i have to move away from him and i am still attached. should i talk with the new guy before breaking up with him?
No. 169430
>>169303Okay, so getting out of an
abusive relationship is literally akin to breaking an addiction. He’s created all these shitty trauma bonds that are clinging to you like strings of wet shit and you’ve got to get away from him so they loosen their hold and you can get back in a sane state of mind. It’s not your fault; you have been conditioned by a bad person to feel you need him, but I promise you don’t. You’re doing the right thing by talking to your sister. Are there other friends or family members you can tell? Tell as many people as possible all the things you’ve noted here and that you’re going to be staying at your sister’s to get away from him so you will be
ashamed if you don’t go through with this or try to go back to him. You’ve basically got to trick yourself into it if necessary while your emotions are out of whack.
Do not tell your boyfriend what you’re planning, you prepare all your necessities/most valued items while he’s out then leave while he’s out. You then send him a text as you’re leaving saying it’s over and you will let him know when you’ll be back to get the rest of your possessions with family/friends/movers then BLOCK him so he cannot speak to you in the meantime. Do not speak to him alone, do not see him one on one after you’re out, only when a trusted individual is present. You need time and space away from him to settle back into normalcy. I do not recommend speaking with this other man or trying to initiate a fling because the last thing you need in your life right now is yet another romantic attachment. Focus on getting yourself safely away from this scrote and nothing else.
No. 169595
>>169473There is more good signs and I seriously thought that it’s impossible to find women from tinder.
I mean women who are not poly or trans or into gender binary whatever shit
I used tinder for a week
AND SHE MESSAGES ME FIRST???
What is this…..
No. 169760
File: 1612151284462.png (2.42 MB, 1920x1181, 1611974627434.png)
>be me
>avoid dating for years because most men are trash anyway
>hit it off with a guy i meet in an online chatroom
>he ends up living close enough to me for this to work
>he's very smart, has a good job, a top tier body, has a backbone is into a lot of the niche interests i am into
>ends up being completely insane
m-maybe being a cat lady isn't so bad
No. 169856
Technically not a currently ongoing relationship but is it pathetic to still reflect on a 2 and a half year relationship that ended almost a year and a half ago? I feel like I should have finished thinking about it but I still get realizations of what really happened back then. I don't think about my ex ever unless I remember something. Then when I remember I'm usually horrified like "how could I forget that". But right now I'm wondering if I'm overreacting about one memory in particular.
I had huge trust issues with my ex. At the time he made me feel like I was crazy but looking back the relationship on his end was so toxic that I think his actions were somewhat responsible and that he definitely caused my suspicions. For instance, he called himself a pathological liar, lied about random things, contacted his ex a few times behind my back to be friends, then let me look stupid by lashing out at his close friends for inviting her to some event when he was the one who talked to her. He also never communicated with me but would unleash really shocking bombs of information on me that made me feel insecure and wary of what he was thinking of me even during the happy moments. Like if he was resenting me secretly and then would recount all of these specific things I did in our next fight.
The memory I have right now in particular is when I went through his phone and found some old facebook message from 2-3 years earlier from when he was a senior in high school. It was him and another student, who asked if he had pictures of a certain teacher, to which my ex sent him an upskirt shot of the female teacher. I had previously heard a story from him that someone got in trouble for taking upskirts of female teachers at his high school but I never thought he would have had one or sent one. When he told that story he sounded like he knew it was bad but he wasn't super horrified nor did he condemn the actions of the guy, he was moreso dispassionate/detached. So I was fucking horrified seeing it on his phone, sent from him to another guy, and freaked out. I got so upset and asked, "You did this? Why is this still here?" which was stupid of me, because in hindsight like all the other red flag moments, I should have just left, but of course I didn't. He got really defensive and feigned some empathy like "I didn't take the picture but I sent it…and yeah I shouldn't have done that" and then followed it with, "BUT you shouldn't have been going through my phone!!!! What is wrong with you? You're fucking insane."
I have different feelings about snooping now–like if you feel the need to snoop then you need to reexamine why you feel that way, more than often there is a reason. You're not crazy for having a suspicion but there's like a 90% chance that leaving would be better than digging yourself in further with this unhealthy relationship by snooping (10% is for divorce/custody where you need proof for court). Back then I was dumb, but now that I think about it, would it have made sense to have broken up with him for circulating an upskirt picture even if it was in his senior year of high school? I guess his response is probably more of an indicator of how he feels about women but then again he was more angry at me than apologetic or empathetic about that picture in his older messages.
For a long time I blamed myself for all of our relationship's problems and saw myself as some probable BPD psycho who was crazy. But it feels like as I've grown in the time I've been single that I've been remembering things that disprove that and subsequently thinking about the relationship again to process what actually happened as opposed to how I perceived it at the time. Do any anons relate to this?
No. 169893
>>169840
I'm going to push back on this a little bit, because it does sound to me like you're upset at something more/other than what you say.
He came to visit, and had to work to keep his new job. He was on his phone, but apologised and tried to correct that when he noticed you were bothered by it. You say he has been kind and helpful to you, patient with you, and even made reservations for you to your favourite place.
You call his behaviour "extreme lapse of judgement", anon - do you hear yourself? Is this your autistic oversensitivity talking? Because nothing here is "extreme". This sounds like someone who's been nothing but kind to you, but yes, human, and who's trying his very best for you.
You say this is "making you question everything". Now THAT is extreme - are you sure you're not bothered by something else? Your relationship sounds amazing, and your partner sounds exceptional. Just take a moment and walk it back, think it through - why are you suddenly "questioning" your whole relationship because your partner, uh, let's see, has to earn a living? Has to commit to a job? Looks at his phone occasionally? That's 99% of the Western population, anon, and it sounds like he's on his very best behaviour for you all the damn time - and he's made every effort for you!
By all means raise these issues "assertively" with him, but realise that you sound really entitled and self-centered.
No. 169907
>>169893 >You call his behaviour "extreme lapse of judgement", anon - do you hear yourself?Agreeing with this. If you yourself have a lifelong condition that affects the way you think and how you process things..it's pretty hypocritical to then blast him over a lets be real..small lapse in judgement that he is already paying for.
If this is the man you want to have support you through all the difficulties of living with autism.. don't be so insanely harsh on him for also being human and making mistakes with no malice involved. If this is the level of self awareness you're working with and if he's saying sorry all the time and he's expected to buy you dinner for every small mistake, and that's still not enough to satisfy you…I don't see how you can be anyones live-in partner. It appears you can't deal with the daily reality of being a couple and making everyday mistakes. You sound totally out of touch.
No. 169925
>>169907Agreed. OP seems to want a servant or a nanny, not a partner? A grown adult human who you are in a relationship cannot and should not be dancing attendance on you 24/7/365. They're being very, very accommodating, and you're complaining over them working, or looking at their phone, like it's the height of neglect. They made the trip to see you and your family (a serious investment of time, money and energy), and had to go to work… which they've just started… during a global pandemic that's seen millions and millions of people laid off and made destitute from losing their jobs. Have a little perspective, maybe?
These "mistakes" (and I would not call these mistakes) are something you seem hell-bent on blaming him for, OP - like it's a slight on YOU that he's committed, and you're acting like it's some extremely disrespectful lesssè-majesté bullshit. To me he sounds like he's bending over backwards to accommodate you and keep you happy… and you're not satisfied. Like
>>169907 said, I don't think you sound like ready to be in a relationship with someone, let alone live with them and share their daily life! Other people have fully-realised lives of their own, OP, and they're entitled to live them too… they're not just NPCs that are there for your convenience only.
No. 169927
>>169856nope nope NOPE upskirts are super fucked up, I'm really glad you're out of that. imagine sneaking around taking pictures of someone's privates then brushing it off, even if it wasn't you but you kept them? millions of red flags. there's a reason why there's a shutter sound function in phones in japan, cause it's so prevelant with perverts. not to fuck with your head but how do you know he didn't take any of you naked/sleeping/showering? men are straight up degenerates sometimes.
it's not your fault regardless of whatever mental issues you think you have, your gut told you to leave and it saved you in the end.
I just got out of a 3 year relationship where the one time I downloaded tinder I found him on there, the one time I checked his phone he was balls deep in backpage or equivalent looking for tranny hookers. he was SO SHOCKED when I dumped him because he never thought he'd get caught.
you can do so, so much better cutie. you did nothing wrong besides having your self preservation kick in. I'm so glad you're out of that shit and so so proud of and for you. don't second guess this one, he was a waste of time. pity the woman he gets with next.
to reiterate, upskirts are foul and inexcuseable. hoping you're safe and looking after yourself. you'll find what you need later, meantime take some time for yourself to work through this. you are blameless, don't let your empathy make you second guess yourself. you did the right thing. you got this.
No. 169941
>>169893I believe it is my oversensitivity talking, and also my mother getting in my head. They hold everyone I interact with to an extremely high standard and it warps my ability to see things objectively, hence me posting here. After sleeping on it I agree that my feelings in the moment were entitled and self-centered, and giving myself the night to calm down, I feel like a real idiot getting so worked up about it.
>>169905I have a part time job and am in my last semester of undergrad living with my parents. I have my own car that I drive that I'm responsible for (parents pay off the car, I pay insurance). My parents are extremely overprotective, overbearing, mentally ill, and judgemental and a lot of me getting upset about this situation was due to my mother being upset and crying about it. When I spoke to him and he apologized to me I didn't directly bring up my feelings of irritation, he more-so apologized for worrying me and putting himself in danger. I understand after giving myself time to think more critically and analyze my own feelings that I was being unfair and I need to push back on my parents holding him to an unfair standard as well.
>>169907I feel a lot more self aware and embarrassed after giving myself more time to reflect and reading feedback here. Just wanted to add I don't "expect" him to buy me dinner, he just offered, and we haven't been on a "date" that isn't a night in for a while. I agree I have a lot of growth to do to be a good partner, and my parents are definitely holding me back from doing that. Even though your advice was a tad harsh it was what I needed to hear and I thank you for that. Same goes for
>>169925. I need to stop letting my mom get in my head and make me feel like minor mistakes like these that don't even matter are even remotely a big deal and get over myself. Thank you everyone for the feedback/advice/criticism. I'm going to apologize to him for getting so upset for literally no reason and continue to reflect and apply this advice to make myself a better person/better relationship partner.
No. 169942
>>169941I really feel for the awkward position that your bf is in right now. You're living at home, parents paying partly for your expenses like your car so and then you're autistic too so you're being coddled and protected to a point where your own view of what you have to offer him versus what he needs to offer you is so scewed. The issue is that your parents sound like the type that will always think very highly of you and not of others… you have to somehow seperate yourself from their useless input and their influence if it means you are treating partners this poorly. This current dynamic is a perfect recipe for chasing men away.
If you visited him and had to have your car towed you wouldn't want to be left begging for forgiveness from his parents would you? You shouldn't have to buy dinner to make up for normal life happening. It's concerning that you're not even living like an adult currently (so much input and influence from your parents is not the norm at your age) and yet you were talking about marriage and kids a couple posts ago.
I think you ought to aim for independance before you plan to live with any partner. Aim to live alone and cover all your own bills without your parents help. Let them take a step back from coddling you and grow on your own for a couple years. Put that distance between yourself and them by flying on your own. Then you might have a better perspective on what to expect within a relationship. Your boundaries are all over the place. Your parents are being overbearing with you and in turn you are being overbearingly harsh on him. There's no overnight fix for where you're at.
No. 169947
>>169941You do not have "your own car". You pay insurance on a vehicle your parents own and fund. Start being honest with yourself, please.
It's good that you've snapped out of it, OP, but it's past time to start living like an actual fucking adult. You sound infantile, emotionally immature (par for the course with autism, you can't help it, we know), and very enmeshed with your parents… get your own place, be 100% responsible for your own finances and affairs, and start establishing a sense of your own identity.
>>169942 is correct - you're supposedly mature enough for an undergrad degree, but you live like an actual child, and have a child's understanding of the world, interpersonal dynamics and romantic relationships.
I hope you do apologise to your BF, and do it thoroughly. Show him that you actually get why you were completely unreasonable, and that you realise you've been acting entitled. You literally expected him to apologise to you for living a normal adult life, and then blamed that on your mommy. Time to take a little responsibility for yourself, now.
No. 169949
>>169927Thank you anon, I really appreciate it and I'm so sorry for what you went through. I hope your ex didn't give you any STIs.
I know it's dumb because I'm literally only 22 and this was my only relationship but I am so wary of men and dating after thinking about how my ex who agreed with radfem ideas and didn't watch porn during our relationship actually turned out to have sent an upskirt picture ~2 years prior to when I found it. It's pathetic to even still think about him when he's moved on but I find myself randomly having realizations. For instance, how he wasn't just a
victim of me being crazy and overreacting. I actually thought I was crazy the entire time but became convinced that no one would ever love me aside from him.
Maybe you can relate but truthfully I can't trust men or my own judgement anymore. I avoid them altogether whenever possible. I don't want to get involved to be manipulated and lose myself or my rationality ever again. I know it's dumb but I would have legitimately died for him at one point, partially because I was depressed as hell and didn't think much of my own life, but also because I over valued and idealized him so much. The sad part is that when he's around others he's a total 'soyboy' type who is very passive; I even once said on impulse to him that I felt like he treated me like shit in comparison to everyone else and that I wish he would value me the same.
No. 170026
>>170008They're probably not good guys. The vast majority of scrotes are degenerate and just have varying degrees of how good they are at hiding it. Also, if a man was truly a good person then he would possess the logic needed to understand a single encounter with an
abusive woman was not representative of an entire 50% of the population, and the half that is far less violent than the other at that. He would not then take it out on other innocent women in some sort of insane, misguided revenge quest - that is someone who is already fucked up with internalized misogyny and just looking for an excuse. Psychopathic or not, I have no empathy for men so I say go on wit yo bad self.
No. 170052
>>170047Dude just break up with her and tell her you'll pay her back asap. What do you think she will due, sue you for 600 euros?
>>169789What the anons said about the light is true. Also, angles. Put your computer/camera at a higher angle and point it downards towards your face, it'll make you look slimmer.
>>169760It was doomed from the start. If he was really that hot, with a good job, amazing body etc, he wouldn't need to troll chatrooms to find a gf.
No. 170057
>>170008 >manipulate them until they leave and are ruined for everyoneMaybe you are a shit partner but that line right there is you giving yourself way too much credit lol
I mean women who are beaten and raped might voice feelings that they 'are ruined' by those experiences but short of that level of abuse..you're being dramatic here. I'm only two years out of an
abusive relationship. I'm not 100 percent but I'm certainly not ruined. There's a bit leap between being hurt/upset by someones shittiness and being 'ruined for everyone else' People move on and date again and they forget about you.
No. 170071
>>170067I struggled with this in my first serious relationship. I ideally wanted to be the first (and the last) woman he ever felt anything for, which isn't realistic. Reminders of his exes really cut into me and I worried that he must be comparing us. I think it's a common struggle in first relationships in particular.
By my next relationship I was divorced and dating another divorced person. He shared a son with his ex and we saw her every weekend when we collected him. The son often talked about the mom and memories of all 3 of them together and it didn't even phase me. I think most grow out of it.
What's your dating experience? Is this your first or is it a repeating pattern?
No. 170138
>>170074A few couple photos of vacations they were on.
He’s also staying in touch with one of his exes. He says that he doesn’t have any feelings for her at all, on the other hand I know that she still is obsessed with him.
It can also be something as minor as noticing his comments or likes on an ex’s picture. I hate noticing it and I hate myself for intentionally looking it up.
No. 170606
I really need some advice. Sorry in advance for such a long post.
I've been with my partner for 6+ years and we live together. He's a NEET without an income who formerly lived with his mother, has a long history of mental illness, and has abused me physically and mentally in the past to extents that I have trauma from it and I still can't let it go. For the last two years or so his abusive outbursts have been kept to a minimum, he's also started seeing a therapist and is currently in anger management therapy. I have struggled with mental illness as well for a long time but have put a lot of work in, managed to get and hold a job, and my salary is our sole income. I pay for everything. I also do all the housework. I work long shifts and come home and he's just gotten out of bed or is laying on the couch complaining about a migraine. We have pets that I take care of as well and they add to the house becoming dirty a lot quicker than if it were just us. He constantly talks about getting more pets however, and when I say I don't want any more or bring up that if we're gonna have more, he'll have to start walking them, cleaning up after them and vacuum daily. It's not like he hasn't got the time. That would bring on angry, anxious, tearful outbursts with claims of how pets are the only source of happiness in his life and how I'm being cruel for demanding he be "a housemaid slave". Yet he barely takes the time for the pets we do have and always complains about feeling sick and needing to be left alone. I've stopped trying to talk with him about this because it never leads anywhere, I just let him lay on the couch all day and watch anime and browse cat breeds and dog training techniques on his phone, because my nights are infinitely calmer that way.
I resent him. I don't expect him to ever be there for me, because he never is. Whenever shit has been really bad with me, he has turned that into his own personal panic attack and I have been left to care for myself and try to calm him down. I have been blamed for not tending to his needs when I have had broken bones and told I needed to rest. I go to work sleep deprived and don't complain, yet he sleeps 10+ hours every day and whines about being tired. I do the dishes and come home to a kitchen covered in dirty dishes because he decided he had energy to make himself a luxury breakfast. I find clean pots and pans put on the floor with dog hair all over them because he was too lazy to put them in the cupboard. He gets angry at me for vacuuming because "he was gonna do that" and when I say he hasn't vacuumed for a week and there are literal hair balls forming in the corners, he puts his headphones on and sulks because I'm apparently picking at his insecurities.
I am not attracted to him any more, either. I noticed that the last time we were gonna have sex. We rarely ever do because he touches me in ways I dislike and when I tell him I don't like it he takes it personally and breaks off sex immediately and starts crying. I also have a reaction of involuntarily tensing up and becoming silent when he touches my body, which is probably due to things he used to do to me physically before, when he was abusive. I can't get over it. Well, a few weeks ago we were gonna have sex but I got turned off by how smelly he was (he almost never showers anymore) and made up an excuse to stop. I lay in bed thinking what could have been if he had cared for his hygiene when I realized I felt about equal levels of disgust at the thought of him clean. I've since been sneaking glances at him when he's shirtless and realized that I feel nothing. I just see a balding, doughy, fat man and the sight itself is enough of a turn off. I don't feel anything when we kiss anymore and I don't feel a desire to spend time with him or do couple things like I did before. Valentine's is coming up and it used to be my favorite holiday but it feels so empty this year.
I guess I've already given myself the answers, but I still don't know what to do. I remember how he was when we met. I know that enough water has passed under the bridges for that never to return again, but in my mind I keep thinking that he might change. Therapy might help him. He might find better meds. He might start working out and change his sleep schedule for good. He might find the energy to help out at home, or get a job. I might heal from the past and like being touched by him again. I might start trusting him again. I might fall back in love with him again. I've read countless of column stories where those things actually did happen, couples rekindling their relationships and never giving up on each other.
And I'm scared, because I remember what I was before I met him. Like I mentioned, I too have my share of mental illness that I struggle with. I fight for myself by fighting for others. I'm terrified of leaving him and my life returning to the empty lonely slump it was. I lost all the friends I had when I met him. I have managed to gain and keep a new friend since, and that's online. He doesn't know about that friend, and I feel that if he ever found out he'd act the same as usual: ridicule the friendship, say I'm naive for investing emotionally in someone who obviously doesn't care about me for real, and then proceed to trash talk the person for flaws he imagines in them.
I keep thinking I am still in an empty lonely slump even with him by my side. When I think about all of this, or write it out here, it all seems so awful. Then I look around our home and think "but this isn't so bad after all. And I love him." But do I? I have nothing good to say about him but my brain says I love him and our life is good even though I've been crying out of exhaustion because he never helps out and never cares. I keep thinking it's because he abused me and I haven't healed yet, just like my body flinches on its' own when he touches me sexually. Can this change? How can I fix it? I just want us to be happy. I don't feel like I am even capable of leaving, and I don't even have a legitimate reason to do so, I'm just throwing it away and he's trying. It's like holding two realities in my head, and one is killing me but the other says it's just fake and everything is fine. Am I overreacting? Is it because he used to abuse me? What should I do?
No. 170609
>>170606You’ve already given yourself the answer here. He’s the one keeping you lonely and isolated, he adds literally nothing positive to your life while actively detracting from it, you have absolutely nothing to lose by kicking him to the curb. You’ll probably have an easier time making friends when your life is being wasted on babying this
abusive piece of shit. I believe in you, you just gotta get it over with.
No. 170612
>>170611It doesn't feel right. I love him very much and don't think I'll ever meet someone like him.
I just wish he'd be honest with me. Even if he doesn't like the truth it's better to hear it from him than to find out by accident.
No. 170615
>>170613Yes. I suppose another relationship is very possible, but I've never in my life connected to someone like this.
>>170614I suppose I would have, though I would've wanted him to break up with her completely before we did anything real.
It hurts to see him write about his girlfriend (who I thought was his ex) in a group chat the very same day we were planning a date in our DMs.
No. 170616
>>170610I've been on the other side of this. My ex left me for someone else and months later I saw her fb page where she'd announced them as a couple 2 months prior to us breaking up. Pretty sure she was either in the dark about me existing or she was told we broke up much sooner. We had a very active sex life in those two overlapping months… so I feel equally bad for her when I think back to that. He fucked us both over.
You can't trust him now. He's proven himself to be a liar and a cheat, you can try and forgive him but in the back of your head you'll fear him repeating the same pattern. Which is a
valid fear given his track record! He's a write off. Confrontation might make you feel better or might be a waste of your energy. Staying with him though..that'd be plain stupid.
No. 170626
>>1706121. Your relationship-experience is near non-existent so you can't speak about thinking not being able to find another guy like him
2. He lied to your face and is a cheater so it's probably for the best if you'll never find a guy like him again.
3. It's been just a few months. Are you really sure you truly "love him very much"? Don't deceive yourself into thinking you love him if you're deep down just scared of not being able to find another connection again.
No. 170628
>>170626>He lied to your faceMore along the lines of not telling me the entire truth though.
In the best case scenario they broke up, he tells me about it, but then realizes he wasn't ready to break up (and doesn't feel I need to know about it) so they get together again only to break up for real a few weeks later, and soon thereafter he started dating me.
Sure, I would've wanted him to tell me about it but on the other hand I understand that he doesn't want me to know everything about his past partners.
No. 170631
>>170628You said
>as far as I knew he had broken up with his ex nearly a month before we started datingHow would you've known that if not him saying that to you? If he told you he brok up with her nearly a month before you started dating and that wasn't the truth or your 'best case scenario' happened, he lied to you.
But even if he did not teeeeechnically lie to you face there's still this
> considered her his girlfriend even after he had kissed meMeaning he cheated on her with you so you're still dating a cheater no matter how you're looking at it.
> I understand that he doesn't want me to know everything about his past partners.This is something he should've told you and you know it.
It sounds like you're trying to justify his behaviour on a technicality because you're afraid to break up with him.
No. 170638
>>170635>>170631Alright I'll be honest, I misremembered when exactly we started dating.
So what I know:
>they didn't break up at the time he told me but stayed together for several more weeks>he talked about how much he loved her at the same time as he was flirting with me>he still considered her his gf while planning a date with me>don't mention her at all in said chat after the date with meHe's even told me that he regretted not ending stuff completely with her before starting dating me (At the time I thought he already had ended it, and that he was just talking about staying in touch with her).
I suppose I'll need to confront him, if nothing else just to tell him that I know.
No. 170641
>>170638Anon your relationship started out as an affair, what happens next (if you stay) is he'll date you for a while and then start dating his next gf with an overlap of a few months too. Men like that replace you before giving you the curtesy of a break up or letting you choose what STD risks you're taking by extension to them.
In case it's not clear to you, that's fucked and any sane woman would run.
No. 170643
>>170628 >More along the lines of not telling me the entire truth though >In the best case scenarioI hate this term lately, but the absolute cope in this post. Is it just easier to stay comfy in denial?
Lying is lying, cheating is cheating. If you are willing to twist reality just to make him seem better.. you are in for a world of pain when he takes advantage of your desperation.
No. 170650
>>170647Respect. Currently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and BDD but I was diagnosed with BPD in the past
funny enough I don’t believe bpd is real anymore, just an excuse to diagnose and medicate traumatized women idk if I believe in twin flames but this karmic partner shit resonates too much to ignore. Still drunkish and thinking about it. Won’t lie, sometimes I wonder if I’m mentally fit/healthy enough for a relationship but when I tell him that he seems to gloss over it. Lots of thinking to do. Thanks for replying anon.
No. 170661
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>>170646I'm in pretty much the exact same situation except our first anniversary is soon. My partner and I are both insane. Without her love I feel nonexistent, probably because she forgets that I exist half the time. I'm the poster child for codependency lol. I can't give you any advice and it'd be hypocritical to tell you to move on, so I'll just wish you the best. Enjoy the booze
nonny.
No. 170851
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>>167263I hate burdening my friends with this and they'd be mad to know I did not block him so I'm giving an update here to get it out of my system and help move on.
So half of me does feel better now that I got the validation of him saying he misses me, regrets it, and I meant something, the other half is infuriated by it because it can't be true if he cheated so I kind of went off and told him that he wasn't sorry when I didn't know and that he would've kept doing it if I didn't fight for the truth so hard. I said I'd never believe he was sorry or that I or our relationship meant anything considering he wasted my time and constantly lied to my face.
He quote said, "ok so your response to me coming to you with a genuine apology is that im actually not sorry at all. that's…productive. i'm trying to come to you openly and honestly with a genuine apology, no emotional manipulation whatsoever." then my favorite part, "i believe your desire to craft a narrative is more important than dealing with the situation at hand." That actually made me laugh in disbelief. He really couldn't fathom that after only like 3 weeks, freshly hurt and still stewing in it every night, that I was not open to the idea of forgiveness or any other "narrative" other than he was just another cheating asshole.
I said there is no narrative, only the reality that you cheated, I won't forgive you, and I won't feel any other way about this.
He replied saying he was only trying to help me have closure then actually told me to fuck off, only to later add, "have a nice fucking life, I love you." so I feel I really dodged a bullet at this point.
I did intend to block him after that but I fell asleep so he messaged again saying, "this sucks. i hope your teeth feel better though lol." referring to getting my wisdom teeth out which freaked me out a little since I only posted about that on twitter and far as I knew he didn't have a twitter or use it and it's not connected to any of my other social medias so after all that I did block him because I got what I kind of hoped for and I do need to be done with him since he cheated, obviously, but also his weird admitting to stalking my social media and how he reacted put me off more than if he had groveled or something.
I know for next time it is best to block them but at least out of this time I do feel a sense of closure, also seeing him say things like that makes me feel relieved I didn't waste more time with him. At 28 he has a fully developed fucked up brain and won't change. Glad it can't be my problem now.
No. 170879
>>170851he's a fucking selfish idiot, he only came back so he could feel better about sticking his dick in someone else. i'm glad you feel better now, you deserve better, like you said he's not your issue anymore and you can spend some time working on yourself living your best life OR finding someone even better who won't betray you like that.
> "ok so your response to me coming to you with a genuine apology is that im actually not sorry at all. that's…productive. i'm trying to come to you openly and honestly with a genuine apology, no emotional manipulation whatsoever."how dare he try to control your emotion response to him hurting you. psycho. be glad it was only 2 years.
No. 170906
>>170902baking cookies is a great idea. is there a movie or show she's been talking about wanting to watch? or even one of her old favorites from childhood, make a cute movie date night, give her a massage, if she doesn't want any gifts then do stuff that shows her you've thought about her. don't be afraid of it being cheesy. wine n candles n if she likes houseplants (or even if she doesn't
dislike them) get her something pretty. I hate dying flowers in a vase.
No. 170919
>>170878>>170879>>170888>>170892Thank you for your responses, and making me feel less stupid for being freaked out about the teeth comment. He is blocked and my socials are locked now. I do regret now giving him any access to me and even the chance to make himself feel better because I thought that too. I even said, "you don't get my forgiveness for this, for your own sake." and that's what lead to him saying he just wanted to give me closure and to fuck off.
Usually I have no issue cutting guys off but he really made me believe we had a future and I thought we were gonna get engaged soon or something so lol. But thank god it didn't get that far I guess.
No. 170934
>>170925Seconding this, they’re so easy and somewhat healthier than most Valentine’s sweets. I used to make them a lot before I got my mixer since you don’t need a mixer or even that many tools. It’s also really easy to add different toppings like nuts or white chocolate or even crushed candy on top.
You can also make your own chocolate covered pretzels or chocolate covered almonds, they’re super easy to customize with different types of chocolate, peanut butter, sweetened condensed milk, etc. The toppings are pretty much endless so you can customize them easily to add something she likes.
No. 170974
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Does anyone have any advice for what to do when you feel like you're putting way more effort into the relationship than your partner reciprocates or appreciates? After reading FDS recently (yeah, I know…) I'm realizing I do a lot of random little things for my bf because I care about him and want to make him happy, and I really do like doing these things, but sometimes it hits me that he rarely even says thank you or does anything back for it. I don't know if it's cultural differences as we're from very different countries or moidism or what but I swear to God I've almost never heard him say the words 'thank you' and it kinda bothers me. It's not like he ignores it when I do something nice, but it's normally just saying "Aww" and maybe kissing me on the cheek or something, am I being unreasonable for wanting more than that? I know some people say you should "match the energy you're given" and that I should stop putting in as much effort, but I really love him and this is how I show it, I would feel almost cold if I didn't do these things… yet it just makes me resentful so I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I just don't know what the best way to bring this up to him is.
No. 170980
>>170974Would it be that weird to just tell him 'hey I enjoy doing little nice things for you, but sometimes it feels like you aren't very appreciative of it or maybe take it for granted. I'd like for you to be a bit more enthusiastic and return the effort I put into these things more, because I don't want it to be unequal or one-sided'?
Idk what his culture or personality is like but you should be able to voice your feelings honestly and if he cares about you he'll like to know how he could make you happier.
No. 170993
>>170974>After reading FDS recently (yeah, I know…)Hey no hate, I've seen more horrific dating stories here than I'd care to remember and if more farmers took even the most basic tenets of FDS to heart they'd be much better off. I feel it's especially useful to the women here who are usually coming from traumatic backgrounds and more susceptible to abuse from trash tier scrotes. I agree with
>>170980 and think you should be straightforward. If someone genuinely cares for you then they won't take minor requests like this as an affront but an opportunity to make you happier. He'll either step up and show more appreciation and get you little gifts as well, or he'll continue on as he is. From there you have to decide if you're okay with a partner giving you so little in an area you enjoy or if you'd rather be with someone who naturally does more of that. Speaking from personal experience I had an ex very similar to this and I had to bring the topic up with him several times, but after a few months he started getting me more gifts (and I'm not talking expensive jewelry, just thoughtful notes, flowers, snacks) without me having to say anything and even started understanding why I enjoyed doing things like that for him. Gonna be honest, it was both a pain in the ass at first and luck that he turned out to be receptive. I don't recommend teaching a scrote basic appreciation and romantic gestures from ground zero (I wasn't in a great place myself) even though it worked out. But if you're determined to try with someone who isn't like that normally then the most you can do is ask, and it's important that you do because your desires are important in the relationship.
No. 171009
>>171004Nah man, you don't have to do anything just because people say you're supposed to. Living apart but really close together like that sounds like an ideal situation to me. You get the independence and freedom that comes with living alone, but also the convenience of being able to spend time together whenever you feel like it that usually comes with living together.
If you're both happy like this, never be pressured into moving in together. Norms on what your relationship and life in general should look like are absolutely meaningless and arbitrary. Tbh it sounds like your friend is too close minded to imagine a relationship other than the basic "move in together, get married, have 2.3 kids and take them to disneyland every year in your sedan" fare.
No. 171025
>>171004If you don't want marriage or kids and if money isn't an issue then do what suits you.
I bought my own home a couple years ago and friends kept talking about me moving a partner in some day…the more they casually mentioned it the more I realised I don't want someone moving in. The whole reason I stayed in my last relatiosnhip for too long was because moving out would be messy and a hassle. There's something nice about not being tied-in in that sense. That way you're with your partner purely because you want them and not because a lease is holding you there.
No. 171109
>>171106That sounds like something someone really young would do. I hope she’s like 18-20.
It’s cringe but it sounds like she’s a bit immature and super stoked for this guy (for some reason). I’m guessing he’s either really hot or she hasn’t been in many relationships before. It’s totally fine to say that you’re happy for her, but the sex talk is a bit TMI for you and ask that she tone it down.
No. 171111
>>171110what are the odds he will contact me ever again?
he was an extremely prideful type
No. 171122
>>171115Yes, you are 100% justified in feeling bad. He's treating you like shit.
>but other times he tells me that if I don't stop talking about it he'll hang up.Massive red flag. He's actively trying to control you by threatening to cease communication if you don't do what he wants.
No. 171123
>>171111Context matters here, but general rule of thumb is that
toxic ex-partners almost always reach out at some point, even the "prideful" ones. Ignore it. It's called hoovering and almost always happens when the ex-partner has failed recently in attempt to find a new partner, or has actually secured a new or potential partner they want to triangulate you with.
No. 171126
>>171123he lives a distance away for now and we mainly talked on discord.
he left me because I showed up drunk the last time we met in person. i embarrassed myself pretty hard. it was weird because he admitted one time a few months before that he was worried about losing me yet still left me.
the last time i contacted him was me telling him i was sorry for it and he never responded to that message
No. 171166
>>171161Actually suicidal, or just threatening you to scare you into staying? If they are seriously mentally ill and on the brink of death, and you're breaking up because it is emotionally overwhelming or you're just incompatible, let them down gently. Explain you need time for yourself, you're not stable enough to be in a relationship right now, etc. Encourage them to make other friends and reach out to others for support when they need it. I recommend disentangling yourself as much as possible. Remember, you're not obligated to talk them off a ledge or spend all your energy consoling them.
If it's a manipulative leech whose suicidal ideation only goes as far as winning an argument or get attention, cut contact. Be as blunt as possible telling them you know they've been emotionally abusing you and you won't stand for it anymore. After breaking up, don't speak to them ever again even if they come crying to you about self harm. It's an imaginary crisis and not your responsibility. If you're ever seriously concerned for their safety, just call the cops on them and get them in a 72 hour hold. Mental hospitals are absolute cesspools, oftentimes worse than jail honestly. A fitting punishment for jerks who wanna play at suicide to manipulate their loved ones.
No. 171175
>>171166It’s hard to let them down gently. She’s actually suicidal and so am I so that’s unhealthy in its own right. But our relationship started so unhealthily and I’m going to look like a fool explaining all the red flags I’ve ignored. She’s actually suicidal, but has held suicide over my head before
Our relationship started like this
>I’m swiping right on tinder looking for fun>match w her and invite her over>her parents live in my state and she lives in another>see each other a few times >she gets upset I don’t like her as much as she likes me>I never made indication I wanted monogamy>she is very depressed in general>wants to get me to like her>I got it out of her that she was suicidal>no biggie, understandable>she actually had a plan in the year making>date to kill herself is my birthday>birthday in a week>have her on suicide watch in my house without letting her leave >realized she was goin to leave for her state and kill herself if she didn’t stay as long as she did >realized she wanted me to like her before she killed herself>red flag, she knows it’s manipulative of her>I say I understand mainly, we do stupid things when we are suicidal>the two weeks of her being on suicide watch at my house were traumatizing>worry every time she leaves my sight in my own house>she wanted to leave, I wouldn’t let her and said as soon as I let her out the door she’s basically dead>she stays for extended amt of time with me>can’t contact her family idk them, can’t contact her friends idk them, she doesn’t have any social media so there’s no one to reach out to>I try to give her the best few weeks bc she’s so set on killing herself>have her around until we find a plan>she’s 100,000 in debt, felt bad calling ambulance bc she’d have to pay a lot bc us healthcare>if I did that she’d still be suicidal bc more in debt>all psych wards in state have 1-2 star ratings, basically jails>tfw trauma bonded>she’s not going to kill herself, finally got her to give me a friend’s contact info>I’m guilted into a relationship bc she threatens to leave on sight and I’m trauma bonded and feel strong connection now. can’t imagine life without herfast forward 5 months
>she gets free flights so she visits a lot>her brother had covid>she says she hasn’t interacted with him so we get emergency airbnb >get rapid tested>positive>I say I would rather stay at my house alone bc I don’t want to increase chances of my roommate catching covid>she sperges out>claims I just want time away from her>I say no I just think this is better and she should stay at her parents>says I’m forcing her to stay at her abusive, homophobic family’s house >she says it makes her want to kill her self >wants me to come with her to parents house>tfw why would you put your partner in that situation >I give in and stay with her family for two weeks>before this she said it was okay if I want to isolate alone, then turns it against me>”I thought you’d fight to stay with me” “you should have known I’d be suicidal there” “sorry I take that back I shouldn’t have said that”other things
>forcing me to “just do things to stop feeling depressed. Go eat. Let’s go see my friends. etc”>gets frustrated when I am depressed>”I’m depressed too and I just push past it”>”I put up with you a lot when you’re depressed. You can’t come out of the rut and I try sooooo hard to help you it’s taxing.”
>guilting me into having period sex bc if not I make her feel gross and ugly>upset bc christmas presents I gave her weren’t sentimental enough>upset that I never come visit her (I don’t get free flights like her, I don’t have money to)>upset I never talk about seeing a future with her and moving to her state to live with her (I am in college in my state I don’t have money to move to expensive city and don’t want to)>threatens to leave me on a whim every once in a while>as in gets up immediately says she’s done and collects her things to go to her abusive parents house so I’m more guilted plus the Uber is $30-$50>gets mad that I don’t eat enough. it’s bc she cares but it’s mean how she says it>her mom gets diagnosed with breast cancer>after some time I say I want to break up up (not bc of the cancer)>”you said you’d be with me throughout my mom’s cancer”>”you’re willing to just throw everything away”>tfw that’s what she does to me monthly but abruptly and it’s extremely scary Now I’m extremely suicidal bc this time of year I always am. She is too. I don’t have energy to take care of myself I feel like I’m gonna fail this semester. I don’t have energy or strength to help someone else suicidal but I do my best. She gets mad at me and says she always checks up on me. She’s told me to tell her when I’m suicidal so I did and how I feel ugly and boring. She turns it into “you think I’d settle for someone ugly? That implies you think low of me lol, etc. ” “I think you kind of made that about yourself” “sorry, I’m depressed too and trying to show care the best I can”
This is already so long winded I’m sorry. I’m just stuck because she’s supposed to be coming here in a few days for Valentine’s Day and her birthday and I don’t want that but feel like I have to. I’m trying to find strength to do this but there are so many factors. I need to make a decision it eats me up every night and morning. There’s so much more I can say
No. 171200
>>171115His behavior is definitely manipulative, he shouldn't just outright dismiss you when you want to talk about your emotions. Maybe shortening the amount of time you have on call would be helpful? If you spend a long time on call each day, it might be tiring for both of you. Not to excuse his behavior, he's definitely being a dickhead, but think of it in the context of a real life relationship. Most couples don't spend long stretches of time talking a day.
Me and my boyfriend are LDR too and we call a few times a month for an hour or two. (Not that you should do it that infrequently, it seems that talking over voice is important to you). I find that it helps us have a good conversation, rather than being in the call just for the sake of it.
No. 171224
>>171175I hated reading this because while I was never THIS bad..I was diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago and I had some of this behaviour going on at that time in my life. Honestly…dump her in a very blunt and permanent way and go no contact. Let a blood relative know that shit is about to hit the fan and then wash your hands of her completely. Ignore all attempts at contact. She probably is feeling genuinely distraught but rewarding this behaviour with attention will only enable her to forever stay this way. Forever teetering on the edge of suicide just because she can't always get her own way. That's cluster b behaviour and it's ugly and
abusive and it creates more than just one
victim. You're more likely to kill yourself before she ever does, seriously.
Tough love and no-contact are the only way to do this. If she ever gets help she'll see that this had to happen, but she's not your responsibility and right now she's acting entitled to your endless caretaking. Sick or not she does not get to treat people this way. Her only way to grow is to have people show her that this isn't a rewarding way to act.
Look after yourself and don't get sucked back in.
No. 171336
>>171329Might be a touch of low mood affecting him but it also just comes across as him not being very considerate of you which low mood should'nt fully excuse. And 27 isn't an age where weight piles on and your sex drive dives off a cliff. That's not what 27 looks like.
Sounds more like it's related to the amount of time you've been together (you didn't say how long) and him reaching that point where you either put an effort in to keep yourself up to scratch or you give up because you don't value your partner once that honeymoon phase has gone. It seems like he's opting to give up and play dumb. Which will make it hard to get through to him and get an honest effort out of him again. The dog taking priority would seriously bother me too. Show his empathy and consideration for others is there..but not being extended in your direction
No. 171339
>>171337That's not good. I've had things go that way at the 2.5 year mark and it was because the guy already had one foot out the door without wanting to admit it. He simply wasn't invested anymore. It is a pretty early point to be going weeks without sex, gaining weight, putting the needs of the dog above you. I would read a deterioration like that happening so soon as a poor sign when it comes to the longevity of the relationship.
Maybe I'm biased from personal experience though. Maybe a diff anon will have tips towards staying together but imo only two years in.. that's not a battle you want to be having this soon.
No. 171348
>>171346what would the ultimatum be?
>>171347i think this is part of it. he's said before that he knows it's not attractive, and that he's worried about not satisfying me. my issue with that is that i try not to give him shit for it and try to gently encourage positive changes. but more often than not he isn't the one walking the dog, and i think he's been lying about not getting fast food lately. i hope he's not depressed, but lmao part of me kind of does so i know it's not because i'm ugly. i feel ugly
No. 171373
>>171350Anon should listen to you, although she probably won't if she's this desperate to hold onto the relationship. If men don't change their behavior after the first request, it's never going to happen. It's why the common (and most solid) advice is to never get into a relationship with someone who has to change to make you happy. Wish I had taken that to heart myself before I spent over 3 years in a dead end relationship. Twice. Never happening again.
>>171329You're literally less important to your partner than a dog. That's pathetic. If you ever want to be happy again, you need to ditch this loser and stop trying to mold him into some semblence of a functional human. You're not going to change him and there are no magic words you can say to convince him when he's already decided to wallow in his own
victim narrative. Why would he even bother when you're showing him he still gets to have you while continuing to be a lazy fuck? All he has to do is listen to you complain occasionally, make some excuses, then everything goes back to normal. The most you can do now is leave, which is either going to be a wake-up call for him to get his life together, or you can continue being miserable in an unfulfilling relationship for the rest of your life.
No. 171546
File: 1613219604489.png (827.41 KB, 978x976, Screen Shot 2021-02-13 at 7.26…)
>>163331>>163336>>163353Holy fucking shit guys. Ok so I have an update on this situation. I'd been having a really hard time with it lately because I still hadn't heard from him, but I also wasn't ready to move on. Apparently, he was in rehab this whole time and he texted me a bunch of long ass paragraphs this morning that I had to wake up to. I'm too scared to open them. How should I approach this?
No. 171549
>>171546Did he have time to alert you beforehand that he was going to rehab but decided against it? Did he have the opportunity to contact you while he was there but chose not to? How long had it been since he left before he finally texted you?
Were you his first priority? No? Dump him.
No. 171559
>>171547It's not that weird imo, my sister doesn't really know what I'm up to and vice versa either. It depends on how close they are.
Anyway I'd open the messages and take time to read them. I think you should know what he has to say and have a full picture of the situation before you can make a decision on what to do.
No. 171606
File: 1613261569747.jpg (54.66 KB, 640x468, we-said-no-horny-memes-984514c…)
How do I get my bf to stop watching porn? Me and my bf have stopped watching a ton of porn once we got together but we both watch it occasionally when we get bored and the other person isn't around. Recently I've been more aware of how the porn industry constantly exploits people and now I've been dropping it all together and I want my bf to drop it altogether as well. How do I convince him?
No. 171636
>>171633well it doesn't say
good relationship advice… nor
legal relationship advice…
No. 171638
>>171637You sound like a dense 12-year-old. Saying "I love you" is not that huge.
Also, yes, he means he'd like to hear it from you and he loves you.
No. 171657
I’m wondering what you ladies standards are in relationships, especially long distance? Lesbian and bisexual women I’d prefer to hear from you mostly, because this is about my long term long distance girlfriend. We’ve lived about a days worth of driving from each other for the last 6 years that we’ve been on again/off again dating. I can’t tell if I keep pursuing her because she’s familiar and similar to me (we’re the same age, we have a lot of the same friend circles, we don’t like the same music or food or things but the things she likes I enjoy learning about, and vice versa for the things I like.) I’ve taken breaks before to date women in my area, and had very mixed luck where I found myself just thinking of her whenever I was with someone else. She’s everything I could ask for in a companion, and I want to marry her because the thought of her not being in my future makes me really distraught. We both have trauma in our lives (what woman hasn’t), so I want to be 100% sure that this is something healthy and not just someone I’ve bonded to through trauma and someone who’s bonded to me for the same reason. I just want to be good for her, thoroughly good. I want to provide the best and most suitable home for her (she has really specific aesthetic tastes), I want a high enough paying job so she can work on her art and pursue her joy, I want better opportunities for myself so as I can provide better things for her, but I still find myself questioning the purity my intentions because of how often I think of her. I’m worried I’m hung up on a version of her that is from when we were still just kids, and I’m not sure what the repercussions of that are because I’m not used to having people in my life long term, especially romantically and sexually. Sorry for my wall of text, it took a lot of energy not to just fill this with how much I love her.
Tl,dr; I’m in a long term on/off again LDR with a woman I grew up with that I want to spend the rest of my life with. How do I close the physical distance between us, how do I decide if that is even the right thing to do after all this time? Do the concept of soulmates or twin flames even exist, and if they do, is it an inherently unhealthy concept to believe in?
No. 171661
File: 1613314960350.jpg (29.38 KB, 446x231, break.jpg)
>>171659anon what did you expect, going on a break is literally just an excuse to fuck other people, otherwise you would just work on your shit without a ''break''
if it was his idea dump him, if it was your idea then this is basically that one friends episode
(but also dump him for being a tranny chaser)
No. 171681
File: 1613324876990.png (149.88 KB, 300x250, 00D9F44A-1B5C-4531-BE26-BC510D…)
My boyfriend didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day, feels bad man. He knew I was getting him something a few weeks prior too so it’s not like it’s a surprise. Lately it just seems like he doesn’t care as much because he lost his job and is struggling with his mental health but damn if he has the energy to try and hang out with people online and make content for his social media you’d think he could’ve made me a card or something. He says he “didn’t have time”. Like I’m not working on the weekends and in school full time…Now I have to go to work and see other people’s boyfriends buy them gifts. If things don’t get better, I’ll be really heartbroken. Maybe I’ll buy myself chocolate to feel better lol.
No. 171692
>>171659Keep working on your issues and become a better girlfriend to yourself. After a breakup in a pandemic is the best time to really knuckle down on your personal growth. Doing something physical is always a good way to work through feelings too. Work out what was good and what was bad about the relationship, really trying to learn from it is the best way to put it squarely in the past.
If you commit to this, you can come out flourishing, wiser and happier, and he'll still be the same degenerate coomer he always was (but was hiding from you). Living well really is the best revenge.
No. 171743
File: 1613399659024.png (157.06 KB, 563x533, FF1520C4-48C4-40B0-BAC9-2EF79E…)
After 6 months he turned off read receipts
No. 171894
>>171657are you guys going to move in together, or at least the same city?
>>171661honestly, i agree. it's sad but true, breaks usually end up in ending the relationship or an excuse to fuck other people or at least flirt with them
No. 172039
File: 1613591170605.jpg (91.33 KB, 500x500, c2e392a53b95882f337e88dbde6f54…)
Should I chill in this situation or be upset?
>seeing a guy for couple months
>things are going fantastic for the most part
>usually text sporadically throughout the day, call maybe once a week
>he gets called out by my countrys military to administer covid vaccines for a couple months
>goes radio silent and I know he has his phone with him
We aren't official but idk if I'm overstepping by being upset that he hasn't replied to my texts. I figure it only takes a few seconds.
No. 172057
>>172039Do you mean you've been talking for a couple months through text/calls or do you mean irl too?
Either way I think the whole 'out of sight so out of mind' thing isn't a sign that the guy is feeling you much.
No. 172066
>>172057We'd been going on 1-2 dates per week before he left town and he seemed pretty into me then so it's a bummer.
>>172044Yeah I can't help but get attached. I don't know what to say if he does end up reaching out, but it is a huge red flag for me. I hate uncertainty.
No. 172469
>>172435in what way do you find him unattractive?
is this something you can picture yourself living with for decades?
the sex issue can be improved easily enough if you actually take the time to communicate
No. 172494
>>172435You're settling for him because you feel you should, not because you want to. Do you think that's fair towards him?
>>172468How are we supposed to know? It's entirely possible he has moved on and doesn't care anymore and it's also entirely possible he hasn't moved on. We don't know the guy. Also hard agree with
>>172471.
No. 172499
>>172435I never felt a “spark” with my current bf, but knew I liked him which is rare. I think I can relate to what you’re saying, except I wouldn’t say I don’t love him because of how naturally I can see us building a life together and having kids and whatnot.
I think my previous relationships were unstable and that made me feel like I “loved” those people. There was discordance and that caused insecurity and made my brain feel like I needed to cling, if that makes sense. I also think former hurt left me feeling a bit jaded, and that contributes to my current situation.
Overall, I just feel “at home” with my bf and I bet if he were an asshole and played games or I had any fears of him leaving I’d feel those same feeling of “love” I felt with previous people. I don’t have any advice, just thought maybe you could relate. If it feels like you’re settling then break it off.
No. 172534
>>172471I have been clean since that day. I'm very determined now to stay clean and have took action.
>>172494i was just wondering in general if guys still feel anything a month later
No. 172593
File: 1613970686300.png (547.34 KB, 667x716, 1605653880136.png)
Wondering if I could maybe solicit some advice here. Picrel (from shoe's thread) has got me thinking ever since I saw it. Sometimes my partner gets moody and honestly I've started questioning how I deal with it. Just for background info - we've been dating for almost 6 years and co-habitating for about 4.5 years. I'm 35 and he is 27.
To me, it seems to me like this guy (pic related) is wanting someone to enable him in his bad attitude and misery. Not acquiescing is then seen as abusive. This is hard for me to get my head around because I think about how when my partner is upset I will usually try to talk it out, get to the heart of the matter, but sometimes that doesn't work and he will just totally shut down. At which point my mood then starts to dip and meet his. We will go long periods of time without speaking, it feels hostile and becomes very painful.
I always tell him that he is always able to come to me about anything, express himself however he feels, and I will do my best to help. I also always say I'd like him to be "himself" with me.
What I'm trying to say here is shouldn't we WANT to -not- see our partners upset or miserable? Sure, there is a selfish component there (it's unpleasant to see him upset) but to just not even try to help them up in the first place? That sounds like a very destructive kind of relationship to me.
What do you guys think?
No. 172636
>>172593>We will go long periods of time without speakingThis is called stonewalling and is a
toxic if not outright
abusive trait. Healthy partners communicate with one another and even if they need time alone to cool off or deal with their own shit, the least they can do is explain that to you and be civil during the interim rather than totally shutting you out. If this guy hasn’t learned how to appropriately speak with you and handle periods of stress as a unit in 6 years, it’s doubtful he’s going to start now. I do get that it can be frustrating sometimes if someone just wants to vent and their partner starts giving unsolicited advice or telling them to buck up when they’re genuinely upset. It can be emotionally invalidating. But that’s where using your words comes in and he should be saying, “Hey babe I appreciate you want to be supportive but I only want to rant and/or need some space right now.” Not freeze you out for days at a time.
No. 172661
>>172593 >I will usually try to talk it out, get to the heart of the matter, but sometimes that doesn't work and he will just totally shut down. At which point my mood then starts to dip and meet his. We will go long periods of time without speaking, it feels hostile and becomes very painfulI've dated someone who dragged me through this aswell. When he was unhappy I had to be made miserable. If you try and find a solution to whatever is getting him down…you quickly learn they don't want a solution. They want to wallow in their feelings and it's your job to enable the wallowing or they go into silent treatment to punish you. The silent treatment is absolutely a punishment and the day I fully realised that…I had an easy time walking away.
I was more like 25 when that happened and tbh any 35 year old should not waste their time sticking out childish tactics like that. If arguments are almost never productive and they instead lead to a push and pull with them going silent…you're wasting the years away with this person.
No. 172675
This is probably going to sound really stupid, but I am in a relationship with a guy who is not monogamous, but he requires all the girls with him to be monogamous with him. He didn't tell me this in advance and I got attached to him thinking it would be a normal relationship. Now he always says if I don't like it I should just leave but I can't anymore.
I became friends with two other girls he talked to online, but I'm the only one who went to see him in person. Both of those girls left him already and we all had very similar issues with him, like just feeling worthless and uncertain because it's impossible to plan a life with him. Just feeling isolated crying often, waiting for him to call and feel unloved because most of the time he is not an affectionate person. And he lives at home and he doesn't let me help him financially because he is afraid of owing me anything. I can't trust him. He calls me everyday to hang out for hours and usually it's really fun, I've never been in love with someone before and it's really important to me. He said he doesn't introduce girls anymore because it never ended well. But I always feel paranoid, afraid to feel cheated on, I'm afraid to tell him how I feel because sometimes he gets annoyed and says that I'm too much and it's not fun to be around me when I'm like that. But I want to communicate my feelings and often it feels like it's for the best if I repress them. Sometimes he tells me things like he is not going to abandon me, that I'm important to him but other times he says he tried being nice but I still have problems so he doesn't want to teach me that I can get things by whining. But I just want basic reassurance sometimes, not romantic gestures or being told how much he loves me all the time.
Yesterday we talked about things and he said if I am so unhappy then maybe I should stop talking to him. He said it might only really hurt initially, but I can't imagine doing that. I was panicking and sobbing asking for him to not leave me and not to make me leave, and he said he won't leave me over this but I need to see a therapist. I have bad abandonment issues which he knows about. But it's relatively easy to handle them if he just said things of reassurance sometimes. Like he says he feels like he needs to call me everyday and he wants alone time sometimes, but usually if he doesn't want to talk to me he is dismissive and weird rather than telling me that he just feels like being alone but he still cares about me and he's not going anywhere, which would help me so much.
I used to be independent and loved solitude, I'd just spend days playing games and writing and drawing by myself. Now everything is about him, I still do those things but I feel awful if I can't be around him. It really sucks because this is because I don't trust him and I'm always scared he'll ditch me for someone else so I need him around me. I understand why this is too much for him but I don't know what to do. I used to be depressed before I got to know him and while these feelings suck, I never felt quite as bad since I'm with him. It's very hard for me to feel attracted to someone, he is the first person I'm attracted to physically as well. I feel so happy with him most of the time, but when it's bad it's really bad, and I feel like I'm wasting my twenties on someone who'll never care enough. I'm sorry this is so long and for sounding like a mess, I just don't know what to do. Should I just get therapy to see if that improves things for both of us? I promised him I'd start but I don't know if it'll be enough.
No. 172679
>>172675Anon, I…
You want a stable relationship that has a future, so leave this clown who wants a harem. He won't "leave you", because he's already putting in nearly zero actual effort and emotion, so he has almost nothing to withdraw on his part. If you dared to ask anything more from him, he'd be gone in a second.
No. 172680
>>172675Does he have (or claim to have) ME/CFS? He sounds like an asshole that I online dated a few years ago.
Anyway he's not worthy of you, drop his sorry ass and find someone who is not playing mind games with you and constantly underestimates your value. Fuck that POS
No. 172681
>>172680No, he never mentioned stuff like that. I wish I could leave sometimes, but whenever I get close to the thought of it feels really unbearable. About a year ago I talked to a guy online who was a friend, and asked if I wanted to hang out irl. I said okay because I thought it wouldn't happen anyway (obviously I was not great for saying that), I told my boyfriend and he got really upset with me for the first time ever, and it hasn't happened since. He told me he was disgusted with me and told me to stop messaging him because the more I did the less he thought of me. I was so devastated because it was unexpected, I told him because I wasn't planning to meet guys behind his back, and I really always thought of the other guy as a friend. I'm not suicidal but I told him something like I'd rather not live if he left. He then called me and eventually said that he made a mistake and he could see I was honest about not wanting anything with the other guy, and apologized. But that was such a bad experience, and since then I'm even more attached to him because we met in person and just got closer, and I don't know how I'd deal with leaving. I just don't feel like it's possible, I have some friends but no one nearly as important as him. I have hobbies but they feel meaningless if I have no one to care about like this.
No. 172686
>>172684Do you have other friends and family whom you can rely on? In order to leave my codependent relationship, I had to spend many weeks talking with friends who supported me and encouraged me to seek help. I know that it can be terrifying to suddenly have this huge void in your life, but after a while it is so freeing.
Block him on everything and never speak to him again. No Contact is the only way to go. You may want to tell him all your grievances beforehand, just for the closure. If you do, send it in a letter or a text or whatever and then block him before he has the chance to respond. If you hear him out, whether that is waiting for a reply or talking on the phone, he'll only talk you out of leaving and you'll be trapped even longer.
There is no way to make this work, and I think you already know that.
No. 172690
>>172687I always had abandonment issues but the way he acts with me really brings them out somehow. My only other long-term boyfriend broke up with me and I was completely fine, I was even relieved and happy to have some time alone. I always wanted someone I was in love with and it just never happened, but it wasn't like a huge issue, I just spent a lot of time alone and sometimes with friends if I felt up for it. I was never needy and clingy, just generally sensitive but most of that I just felt internally. The other girl he used to talk to felt really similarly, and she said now she is in a relationship with someone else and she doesn't cry all the time and just feels really calm and stuff. So I know it's not just me, but somehow he really brings out these types of insecurities in people, and it seems like he talks to a certain type of woman, insecure ones like me who get attached and who aren't confident about themselves. But I don't understand why he seeks this type of person out if he then finds the responsibility annoying. Like we all struggled with having to deal with him not being monogamous, but he couldn't be asked to reassure us. The other girl and me ended up talking a lot and just vented to each other a lot, and then he was considering banning us from talking to each other because then we always brought up those issues with him. But then she had enough and left so that never happened.
No. 172691
>>172663>>172661>>172636Thank you guys so much for listening. He finally started talking this morning and he's telling me this "I don't know if I'm happy" stuff.. I've been through this before. So ridiculously painful, idk why all my love just isn't enough for him.
I'm so sad. We have our own language even, we create songs and playfully sing to each other. We have 4 cats together. We share everything. I feel so at home with him.. why am I not enough? Is this just how men are? Do all men deep down just want to get away?
I can't take going through this again…
No. 172694
>>172690Samefag as
>>172499I think you need to consider that perhaps the feelings of “being in love” with this dude are just fueled by insecurity and panic. I believe that was my problem in previous bad relationships. My fear of leaving or being left disillusioned me and made me feel there was passion and I was in love and blahblahblah.
Bottom line, this dude is scum and you need to drop him ASAP, as reluctant as you might be. If you want a future, he’s not gonna give you one. If he does, it will be one of misery. While my relationships were never as fucked as this, I feel like I can see a lot of my former self in you from what you’ve posted here. Please, please, please recognize that whatever joy or passion or happiness you feel or think you have because of him is NOT worth the suffering you endure.
No. 172695
>>172691It's not about being enough. Ime if a man is so unhappy with you that he has no qualms about in turn making you 10 times as unhappy as he is…he's checked out of the relationship already and it's only a matter of time before one of you pulls the plug. As painful as that will be… imagine the relief of not living with his moods dictating your moods like this.
The fact that he's silent when he feels like it, is punishing you and then gets to be the one deciding when you talk, if you stay together. That's such bullshit. Fuck this guy running the show and pulling you along on a string. Heartbreak passes, it's better to go through that than live in the relationship you've described. While he's playing the sad
victim you're hanging on a string even more tore up. Way easier said than done but you'd be better off taking control now and being the one laying out that you're done.
No. 172726
>>172724I'm not sure if what we're doing can be called going through each others stuff. We've always had an open policy, so to say, so just using the other one's computer or phone as if it's our own is completely fine with either of us (to the point it's gotten blurred with what stuff belongs to whom lmao). If he said he's fine with it (especially if the suggestion came from him; this isn't clear from your post however), I wouldn't worry about it. If you really can't calm down about it, I'd suggest asking him if he's
really, actually, totally and completely fine with it, or if he just said so because he kinda sensed you feeling insecure or something. Can't help with the jealousy though, we're each others firsts on every front and even just imagining I'm not it makes me seethe lmao.
No. 172959
>>172958
It sounds like your problems run a bit too deep to only rely on your boyfriend unconditional understanding. What you can do is share all your worries, tell him exactly how you feel and tell him exactly what you expect from him - listening to you, not debating it, promising he will be there to protect you. But considering your worries sound a bit irrational, he cannot agree with you without lying, and it's a you problem you need to work through yourself, hopefully with a therapist assistance. Imagine a reverse situation of your boyfriend being hurt badly by various women in his life and now telling you that all women are bad and expecting you to agree with him - in all good conscience, you wouldn't be able to do it because you probably are a good woman yourself and know other good women. That seems to be his situation right now. From this short post it sounds like he actually tries to make you feel safer by calming your fears and ensuring you're safe with him or without, which, in my opinion, shows some bigger kind of care and love and belief in your strength than just saying "dont worry i'll protect you" and ending the discussion.
No. 173419
>>173408The details of your relationship are still quite vague, but I can say that regularly arguing with your partner is not a good thing, even if the issues are minor. The people who suggest this is normal are usually in unhealthy relationships themselves. You should both come up with a plan on how to avoid these situations or better handle your own volatile emotions. Beyond that, have you ever had a sustained in-person relationship with this guy? It's one thing to have had a relationship with someone, then you take it long distance with the plan to eventually reunite. But to never have had the opportunity to see what they're really like in the day to day, how they navigate the world and what their home is like? It's a really risky proposition to just drop everything for someone you have an extremely limited perspective of, especially if you're planning to directly move in together so it will be a huge pain in the ass if things don't end up working out. In any case, for the time being, the main question to ask yourself is if he's making you happier or just bringing stress to your life. That's great if he makes you feel good for a couple hours or whenever you get to interact, but if the relationship in general is causing you anxiety for long periods just by thinking about it and you're constantly having to deal with little quarrels, then honestly it may not be the best choice for you to remain in it.
No. 173484
>>173420Admit to yourself and your partner that you have abandonment issues linked to your BPD and actively seek to work on them. Set his expectations and work on eradicating your "clingy" reactions to sourced
triggers. Therapy (particularly exposure therapy) is the best way to treat BPD. I implore you, please seek therapy if you haven't already. BPD is extremely destructive when left untreated and you are in a relationship, for both yourself and your partner. Best of luck, anon.
No. 173749
>>173748>a man who cares about me should not be screaming at me and slamming shit, all I can hear is how badly he wants to hit me>I want my relationship to work out so badlyWhy? Please leave him. You know you should. Whether you get together with the other, kinder guy, doesn't matter, all that matters is that you cut off your disgusting,
abusive manchild boyfriend.
No. 173756
My boyfriend and I (together for two years, live together) keep on getting into these stupid fights over nothing. I'm really questioning our relationship, but I'm too depressed and have such low self-esteem so I don't know what the right choice would be, as he has so many positive as well as negative traits (and me too, of course). I just want some feedback on a type of situation we keep on getting into, like we did the other day when I made him coffee before his work shift:
Him: Why did you make so much coffee? I don't have time to drink all that.
Me: I always make this much coffee before you head to work and I'm also going to drink some.
Him: No, you don't.
Me: What? Yes, I do?
Him: No, you usually just fill it up to here. (points to below the middle of the coffee machine's water container)
Me: Sometimes but that's if I only make coffee for myself but I always make more before your shifts.
Him: NO, you always do that. I've never seen you make this much coffee. (he's sighing and getting louder)
Me: What, I do that for you several times a week, I use the same amount of water and coffee every time, don't you think I remember this after doing it so many times?
Him: (doing frustrated noises) See, now we have this kind of argument again! Can't you just take into consideration that maybe you are wrong?
Me: (crying inside) I make this same amount of coffee several times a week! I know that! What's even the point in doubting me? I just can't do this anymore!
Then we sat in silence for a while. After a while, he asked me why I was looking so sad again all of a sudden and I was like "?!?!?!?!"…
This is just an example of the type of fight we often have. There's been major fights in our relationship too but it would take forever to get into that so I'm just posting about this specific tendency. The "you said this", "no I didn't", "I did this", "no you didn't" thing happens at least once a week and I just can't deal with it anymore. Maybe it's me sometimes but I feel like he's definitely the one getting agitated most of the time. Another one that happens quite often:
Me: (from another room) I just cleaned the toilet!
Him: …
Me: (walking outside) Hey, did you hear me?
Him: No.
Me: I just said I cleaned the toilet.
Him: No, you didn't say that.
Me: Yes, I did. You probably just didn't hear me because I was in the other room.
Him: (irritated) No… Are you sure you said it?
Me: (frustrated) Yes? I just said it a minute ago, I definitely said it!
Him: (getting angry) Maybe you actually didn't say it?! Why does it have to be that I didn't hear? Maybe you just thought you said it but you were actually just thinking it!
Me: ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… how did this even turn into an issue?
Is this gaslighting? I'm really having a hard time getting to the bottom of all this, he can be the sweetest person ever but he can also be a huge asshole. I guess the same goes for me. Is this kind of fight normal or is it alarming?
No. 173761
>>173758No, he's not autistic but I can see how it might appear that way from what I wrote.
>>173759Thanks, anon. I'm really thinking about if it's still worth it. I love him but is a relationship really supposed to be 70% exhausting?
No. 173766
>>173756Tell him to a) fucking let it go b) take your fucking word for it
He might not realize it but the way he keeps doubting you over miniscule things is not normal.
No. 173795
>>173756It is gaslighting because he's acting like you're crazy or lying and he KNOWS it.
What's more likely - that you didn't speak while believing you were speaking or that he simply didn't hear you? If someone asked "did you hear me?", would you say "no, what did you say?" or would you say "you didn't say anything."? His weird obsession with acting like you're imagining things is creepy.
And if he does this over small things, you're fucked when if it ever comes to big stuff. How will you have a constructive conversation with someone who will just straight up say you made it up? If you walk in on him fucking someone else, will your eyes be deceiving you? If he calls you bitch or a cunt, will you have misheard? If he hit you, will you have imagined it?
It's a red flag and honestly I think you need to sit down with him and tell him to either cut it out or it's over. This is the kind of stuff that people look back on when their relationship has spiralled and they've ended up in an awful situation.
No. 173968
>>173958Ime you can enjoy the hotness but there's a time limit on it if you don't share humour. Plus the sex is better when you can laugh. Some extreme examples:
The ex who was a sleazy malignant scrub but we would cry laughing with each other: it's been years and i still miss being around him.
The ex who looked like he had been sculpted head to toe by whoever made Johnny Depp, but had the mind of a 14 year old: i ignore his texts.
No. 173989
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>>173934Since you said city it makes me picture a crowded as fuck NYC or LA gym but if you maybe mean a smaller city like Oslo or something I could see it being safe. I'm always surprised in fitness discords/group chats how vast and spread out some peoples gyms are, like you're always much more than 6 ft away from people and not sharing much air even pre-covid. I think it heavily depends. Pic rel is a standard NYC gym. Ech.
No. 174000
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Im in breakup/relationship hell rn farmers. Currently on a "break" with my guy, but im heavily considering leaving. I dont know how ill feel by the end of our break though. When its good its good but when its bad its really bad. Or at least it feels so to me. I have alot of emotional problems and whenever i talk/vent about them my bf gets annoyed or it starts another argument where he'll take really low blows at me, targeting shit im insecure about (which always ends in me or both of us crying). I feel like its impossible for him to be there for me in that way and its crushing. its hard not being able to talk about it. I dont expect a therapist but i dont want to have to hide any aspect of myself either. Been with him for 1.5yrs which is long for me since ive never dated before. I don't really feel comfortable with him anymore and thats honestly hard to admit. Its a big change in routine since we spent almost everyday together. I do like him and we have fun sometimes and other times we argue constantly, its extremely draining. I know i don't need to be putting myself through that. Its tough and i feel so confused. He always says he'll work on whatever the problem is and itll be better for maybe 3 days then were back to arguing. Ive never cried this much in my life, and ive cried a fuckton in my life. I just desperately need a hug. I practically have no friends outside of him so this is so isolating… I know ill feel better one day but today is not that day. Pray for me /g/als.
No. 174009
File: 1614843337831.jpeg (1.23 MB, 1242x1199, 6C93E438-BEEA-4C0B-87D8-55679C…)
>>174000I had to end a relationship just like this after 3 years. Funny, we took a “break” about a year in due to his behavior as well. Things were a lot better for a few months but then it slowly devolved into even more explosive behavior from him until he was throwing shit around the house and suicide baiting. It is possible for an
abusive partner to get better (and let’s be clear, him using sensitive information against you is 100% emotional abuse and just as dangerous as physical harm), but it’s extremely rare and nigh impossible without professional intervention and several months of distance. If your break just consists of the two of you being apart while he otherwise continues on with his life in the exact same way, I promise nothing will change. He needs to see a therapist regarding these issues or else seriously engage with materials regarding domestic abuse/battery/emotional abuse and work on his core beliefs, because “trying to be better” with no outside guidance, accountability or plan is useless. On your end, check out Why Does He That? by Lundy Bancroft and seriously ask yourself if this sort of behavior is what you want from a partner for the rest of your life. I know it’s extremely painful to leave when he’s your only point of solace, no matter how shitty, but you can find comfort on your own and with safer friends in the future. Having him continuing to drag you down is a sure-fire way to prevent your recovery though.
No. 174013
>>174010I’m glad you’re looking out for yourself
nonny, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It can be really hard to see and accept that things have gotten
abusive when you’re deep in it. I hope he is willing to work on himself but if there’s any pushback on his end he’s showing you who he is, and it’s not someone capable of properly loving you. You do deserve better. Another brief list to help you more objectively assess where he’s at:
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/ No. 174024
>>174000Other anon gave you some great advice, just wanted to add that you might be subconsciously exaggerating the good parts as a reason to carry on. I think this is especially true if you’ve been through abuse before, or witnessed it in your family. If there weren’t some good parts, you wouldn’t be putting yourself through this, right? Untrue. During my similar relationship, even on breaks, I was too mentally fucked to accept the truth. I thought I wasn’t because I felt like I should leave and hated the situation, but deluded myself anyway. Eventually he did actually change because we went through some shit together, and he became an almost perfect boyfriend. At that point I realised that I didn’t fucking like him, that the things I thought were endearing were annoying. He wasn’t cute. He was stupider than I thought. We had fuck all in common. I’d just made myself believe that he was what I wanted in a man while he was abusing me, because otherwise I’d just leave.
Like other anon said, you need to have a proper break with goals, and also so you can detach yourself from the situation. Remember who you are and your values outside of your relationship. Does he really add to that? Putting the abuse aside, is he the type of person you ideally want to date? These are thing you need time and space to think about.
Best of luck anon, also if you’re not getting help for your own emotional problems then now is time to start. Your shitty boyfriend is not your fault, but having these issues attract the wrong type of people as well as make you feel bad. It’s a slow process but worth it, trust me! I’ve come so far just by educating myself on why I’m like this and how to change. There are a lot of cheap books on the subject as well as a wealth of information online, so improvement is possible even if you can’t access healthcare.
No. 174042
>>174004I don't really know how I would talk it out you know? Sometimes when he notices that I'm not enthusiastic about it he gets kinda upset and sad and after some hours goes on a rant about how he doesn't feel desired. If he ever asked me what is wrong, I would say I don't know, and I really don't know, If I were a 14 years old tumblr girl I would call myself asexual rn. Haven't been feeling any sexual desire aside from specific voyeur fantasies.
I remember one day we could talk it out actually, and at that time he told me he would do the effort to go to the gym and he did until cockvid19 and lost all his progress. Also he did stop calling me some pet names I didnt like during sex, but well he totally forgot in the meantime and started again. But I didnt bring it up again because it didnt make the sex better
No. 174052
>>174047>they tend to value the opinions of randos rather than care about the inconveniencing the people close to them.He doesn't see how much social isolation he's caused himself with his diet and spewing of ideology. He claims he's fine with meat eaters then goes on to publicly say how it's wrong and makes people bad.
He was also a troubled kid which makes him feel a bit abandoned so I don't see why he'd make it worse for himself like this.
But that's his only flaw. He's a sweetheart, kind, loving, generous, helpful, zero typical male red flags and I love him. He's also strong and attractive. This veganism is just so contrasting to all that. I guess he would just be too perfect if he wasn't one.
I wonder if he'll ever be influenced by me to eat meat again. Hell, even just dairy. I won't outright tell him to change, just wishful thinking. That and I cannot have kids with a vegan, I don't want that cultish influence on them.
Sorry, bit of a rant
No. 174061
>>174060Huh, true. He also tags his even more insane internet vegan friends as backup when he's fighting with a "carnist". These friends also feed their cats and dogs vegan diets. At least he's not that bad yet.
I wonder if there's a way to get him out of it?
No. 174066
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>>174030Hey anon, cast your eyes up to the two responses above you
>>174009 and
>>174024 because even though you're not on a break, they apply to you as well. This is such a common emotionally
abusive tactic there are memes about it. (And yes it still counts if you're bringing up generally upsetting things and not only things he's done.) You should never feel punished for seeking support from a partner. Simply put: If a partner isn't treating you how you'd like to be treated, don't stay with them. If they not only ignore but blame you for asking them to treat you basic respect, don't stay with them. A lot of men have zero capacity for empathy because they are socialized to be retarded and self-absorbed, but just because it's common doesn't mean you have to accept it. Do not stay with someone because they're vaguely validating the societal concept that says you need to be in a couple to have any value. You don't. If he's not bringing happiness to your life and even actively bringing you down, he's not worth your time.
No. 174067
>>174042>If he ever asked me what is wrong, I would say I don't know, and I really don't knowYou say you don't know but it's pretty obvious why you're unhappy anon. Everything you mentioned in
>>174003>I'm not really attracted to him, he's a fatass with gynecomastia>He also likes dolling me up a lot and that's also something I don't enjoy>The dirty talking makes me cringeYou tell him (and dress it up in whatever nice language you want): You've gotten so fat that it feels like you've given up on yourself and I'm no longer attracted to your body. [It is possible to lose weight outside the gym.] It's killed my libido. There were also some things I enjoyed earlier in our relationship that actively repel me now, such as degrading talk and dressing up in lingerie. We need to stop doing those things.
That being said, it sounds like you're already checked out. You said you've brought all this up before and he did get fit + stop using cringey names, but it "didn't make the sex better." Were you
really happy with all his other behaviors outside of sex even when he was on top of things? Because my money is on the thought that something is fundamentally broken in the relationship and it's bleeding into your sex life. In any case, sexual incompatibility/differing libidos is a legit reason to break up and the situation is clearly making you unhappy. I think you should really examine what, if anything, you're getting out of this relationship.
No. 174073
>>174066Adding to this, this particular tactic is called DARVO. It was coined by a psychologist in the 50s (
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO). Deny, Attack, and Reverse
Victim and Offender. Applying it to something outside of his own behavior:
>I'm so bummed I didn't get that job I applied for last week…>Is it really such a big deal? How can you feel sad over one job when you have the skills to get work somewhere else? (Deny: invalidating your feelings, ignoring desire for support)>That's true, but I liked that company and it's draining to have to go through the interview process again. >Why are you always complaining about this stuff? It's no wonder you're having trouble because all you do is look at the negatives. (Attack)>What? I'm trying to keep a positive outlook, I just wanted to vent a bit because I put a lot of time and effort into trying to get that position. >Seriously, I'm so tired of listening to you whine. It really brings my mood down. I already deal with a lot of shit at my own job then in my free time I'm supposed to listen to your complaints too? (Reversal: You're not allowed to struggle or show emotion, he's the victim and you're inconveniencing him.)>Okay, forget it. (Less likely to express vulnerability ever again since you were punished for seeking basic empathy from a supposed life partner. Extremely unhealthy dynamic.) No. 174358
>>174348You should probably give us a hint about what the incompatibility is if you want good advice. Politics? Life plans? Religion? Just an annoying habit that doesn't actually hurt anyone but drives you crazy?
imo anything that's either harmful to yourself or others, or gives you the 'ick' feeling that can ruin your attraction to him, should be a deal breaker. But as the other anons said, you should wait until you meet him. No point worrying about this one thing when there's still the very real possibility you could have no chemistry irl regardless.
No. 174383
>>174351>>174353>>174358Yeah you guys are right. He's too perfect other than that. Plus I've literally become a better person over the time I've been talking to him, because of him. Never met anyone as kind.
>You should probably give us a hint about what the incompatibility is if you want good advice. Politics? Life plans? Religion? Just an annoying habit that doesn't actually hurt anyone but drives you crazy?Close to politics (but not exactly). He's a bit too much of a leftie too but ageing always fixes that lol.
>there's still the very real possibility you could have no chemistry irl regardless.I'd cry so hard lmao, this is what I'm worried about too.
No. 174386
>>174066You couldn't have said it any better. Dumped my
abusive ex's ass a year ago and this is the exact tweet my friends related to him, you deserve better farmers- they will deny, deny, jab, deny, and make everything about them to invalidate you, because your feelings are a threat to their entitled ego. You can do better, and you deserve better than such mistreatment.
No. 174387
>>174384I don't even know what I am - I'm very traditional and I think this gender
victim mindset is bullshit, but I am not so righty to be racist or homophobic and I support abortion etc. So as right as possible while being a decent person.
>his male ego will make him more right wing than you in no timeThat happens? god I hope so lmao
No. 174466
>>174455I might not be the best person to answer since I eventually divorced the guy I started out in a LDR with, but we did survive two years of long distance + several years of marriage and broke up for obviously non-distance related reasons.
>What were your experiences like?Honestly it was shitty a lot of the time. Crying because we were apart, being torn between going out and doing stuff irl or hanging around a computer to interact with my partner, stress and having to stay up late due to different time zones, people judging you constantly saying what you have isn’t serious.
>How was the transitionary period from online to irl?Both good and bad. My partner was largely the person I expected him to be so there weren’t any nasty surprises, but I overidealized him and so the person he was was simply lacking in a lot of ways. I got involved with him way too young and didn’t have a clue what I should’ve been expecting from a healthy relationship because I had no positive examples. On the flip side, I know a couple that started out in person, was long distance for 5(!) years and has now been back together for over a year and they’re happily engaged. It can turn out well if you’re very self aware, have amazing communication, time management and trust.
>How did you manage to close the distance between you? Being on Skype when I was studying, watching shows/movies, reading and playing games together, visiting each other when possible, sharing pictures from day to day life and texting a lot, sending each other snail mail packages, phone sex.
> Did you tell your families how you met or did you lie? I kind of had to since I was still living with my family at the time and my ex was coming to my country so we could live together and move into a new place. It had a mixed reception but most people tried to be outwardly supportive for my sake. To be frank, I wish they’d been more critical because I was barely outside of childhood and a naive dumbass. His family didn’t really care because he’s been doing his own thing and out of contact with them for a long time anyway. I probably endeared myself to his family more than he ever did.
No. 174473
So my bf and I are just about to move in together but yesterday we had a talk about how he really doesn't want to live in our state anymore and what's going to happen when he's ready to leave. I've known from pretty much day 1 of our relationship that he didn't like it here and was hoping to move (mainly because he's lived here his whole life) but we agreed we want to live together for a year or 2, then if he still feels like moving he could do like a 6 month trial run in the place he wants to live and we can decide then if I want to go with him or we want to do long distance.
The thing is I know I'm probably not going to want to go, I know a lot could change in a year, but I've moved around all my life and really want to settle down. I love the area we're in, I have a good job, everyone I care about lives here or is connected to here in some way. But I know doing a LDR would suck, especially if it means leaving our apartment and me having to get a roommate or something while he's gone.
And that's not even touching on what happens after this trial run. What if he decides he loves this new place and never wants to come back? Then it's either we break up or I leave behind everything I care about, I guess? His job would allow him to do a snowbird type deal but not mine.
Idk it just sucks to know that this is going to be a thing we're going to have to deal with, and he said it himself that he hates the idea that our relationship could potentially have an expiration date because of this. I'm desperately hoping after living together he might not want to go anymore, or that if he does then he gets it out of his system and would be okay with coming back. Even if he wanted to go live somewhere else in the world for like, a couple months out of the year, I would be totally fine with that, as long as he came back home.
If anyone has any advice or ideas for solutions it would be much appreciated. I want us moving in together to be a happy time and not be tainted by the idea of it ending.
No. 174508
>>174488Similar thing happened with me and my bf. We were talking on a dating app for weeks all day every day and he still hadn't asked me out.
One day I sent a message along the lines of "want to hang out some time?"
He said yes and from then on wasn't shy about asking me out or telling me he likes me. Turns out he had a big fear of rejection and was delaying it. What works with us now is I give a tiny push when I sense he wants to do something and he takes over.
If he's spending so much time talking to you he probably likes you. Also, wording it as "hanging out" lets you backpedal if he says he doesn't like you that way.
Good luck! It'll work out
No. 174559
>>174455> What were your experiences like?Excellent. We've been living together since August '20 and are making plans for our future together. It feels like I've lived with him forever. He's a wonderful roommate, partner, and my best friend. I hadn't given much thought about settling down after ending my prior long-term relationship but this guy has me feeling domestic. I want to make a home and a life with him.
> How was the transitionary period from online to irl?Fairly easy. I had some anxiety from my prior experience living with an ex but moving in with my now bf was easy and painless. Well, except for the actual moving part. I fucking hate moving in the summer. Plus we had to drive 12 hours with my two cats which was fairly traumatic for everyone involved.
> How did you manage to close the distance between you? We visited each other (pre-Covid) 3 times over the course of 9 months. The last visit I stayed with him for 2 weeks as a trial for me moving in permanently. It went so smoothly that me moving in was a no-brainer.
> Did you tell your families how you met or did you lie? Lied. Majorly. I met him through a femdom personals subreddit lol. If anyone asks we met “playing video games on the Internet”. Our families aren't highly online so it's vague enough to pass muster. I fudged the timeline of our relationship so my mother wouldn't freak out about me moving in with a man I knew less than a year. I'm a very anxious, neurotic, and anti-social person. I have zero friends online and in person. The fact that I instantly felt comfortable with my boyfriend was a huge positive sign for our compatibility.
No. 174663
>>174582But from what she said it seems like a nice and safe area, I don't understand what more you need than that unless he has very specific hobbies.
>over smothering your dreams to stay in a place where you'd feel stagnant and depressed.Let's not kid ourselves though, he probably just wants to move where there are more hot women to bang. It's obvious he cares more about that than being with the person he supposedly loves and is moving in with, so yes, it is immature. If you're going to want to sow your seeds everywhere don't get in a serious relationship with someone.
No. 174735
>>174734Read that back. How do you even feel safe around him after he mentioned torture chambers?
What if one day you do something he doesn't like and he decides to get revenge on you? Just fucking leave holy shit.
No. 174736
>>174734Anon, that is absolutely terrifying. Like this anon said
>>174735 what if, one day, you decide to do something he doesn't like, and he starts planning to ruin your life. He is potentially a very dangerous individual. The ending of your post does leave some hope though, since he did say "probably" when you asked him if he could ever let go of it. It seems that he might still be holding on to the emotions he felt at that time, and he still feels the same feelings of anger and hurt. I mean, if you really wanna stay in a relationship with this guy, then I'd probably just try to support him through it, but honestly, he needs to develop that maturity by himself. No one can help you become mature, it's something you learn yourself. Other than that, just try to convey your discomfort at the things he says about them, maybe he'll realize how psycho he's being.
No. 174739
>>174738>>174737>>174736>>174735Yeah you’re right I thought it was completely crazy too tbh, he told me at the beginning of our relationship that he’s a bad person and that an ex said he was the worst person she’s ever met. It left me wondering what the hell happened but I never thought it was on this level. This is my first relationship and now I realise my intuition was correct.
I feel like trying to address the matter one more time but I guess there’s no point.
How do I go about ending things with him without winding up on a hit list then? Should I explain that it’s what he said? There haven’t been any other issues in our relationship aside from that to fall back on.
No. 174742
>>174739>you’re right I thought it was completely crazy too tbhTrust your instincts
nonny. We're trained to second guess ourselves and put our feelings on the back burner for other people's comfort, but your gut feeling is always right.
>he told me at the beginning of our relationship that he’s a bad person and that an ex said he was the worst person she’s ever metDamn, he's likely done far more fucked up shit than he's even admitted so far. You definitely need to get out. I relate because when I was more naive I also had a guy tell me he was a bad person early on but was all, "Nooo bb you're just misunderstood and people are judging you too harshly." LOL nope, he was genuinely a shit human and went on to abuse me for years. Fucking listen to people (especially scrotes) when they tell you who they are. Don't defend them and fall back on the female conditioning of being sweet and empathetic because I guarantee you they will not return the favor. It's okay though, we all have to learn at some point and it's good you're figuring this out now before he's had a chance to hurt you.
>How do I go about ending things with him without winding up on a hit list then? Should I explain that it’s what he said? Keep your distance and do not offer an extended explanation. Text him and say, "Hey so-and-so, I've thought about it and unfortunately I've decided this relationship is not right for me. I've enjoyed our time together though and wish you all the best in the future." That's it. If he responds and asks more questions or even blows up, do not reply. Block and cut contact (but save any creepy texts you get before then in case you need to file a restraining order). The fact that he hasn't actually tracked down his ex and went after her is a good sign, he could just be the type to marinate in hatred without actually doing anything. But the best thing you can do at this point is just remove him from your life before he has any further opportunity to fixate on you.
No. 174754
>>174739>>174742I agree with this anon. If you’ve only been dating a few weeks, you don’t owe him any extended talk or in-person conversation. Keep it curt and final. He might try to guilt you into seeing him, don’t fall for it. This isn’t a normal breakup, this guy legitimately sounds dangerous. The only reason he hasn’t gone after his ex is because she’s in another country.
I’d also tell any close friends or family that he’s potentially dangerous. You don’t have to give them the whole story, but tell them he talked about hurting and stalking other people and you’re worried for your safety. If you live with anyone, tell them too so they can look out in case he comes back. Be safe anon.
No. 174770
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My gf has a best friend, let's call her D. They've known each other since middle school. About 4 years ago, they moved to the same city for university, so they moved in together as roommates. After a while, my gf started dating her exgf but still lived with D. As far as my gf knew, D was straight, although she had never been in a relationship with anyone before.
3 years ago, D and my gf started to get into arguments a lot, and one of these arguments culminated in D telling my gf she loves her and wouldn't be opposed to having sex with her etc. Gf was shocked, she didn't feel the same for her at all. She moved out to live with her exgf soon after. Gf and D stopped talking, only hanging out at group events (they shared a lot of friends). They reconnected after about 2 years and now they are best friends once again. They haven't talked about the argument or anything related to it though, just ignored it and moved on.
Well, now I'm in a relationship with gf and ever since she told me this story, I feel insecure when they hang out, especially when D stays the night. I trust my girlfriend, but I don't trust D, especially as I don't know her very well and afaik she hasn't been in a relationship or pursued anyone since.
How can I deal with this insecurity of mine?
I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong here lol, as my gf hasn't given me any reason to be jealous. I haven't talked to her about this either, I'm not even sure how I'd go about that. And I definitely don't want them two to stop talking or hanging out, I feel that'd be borderline abusive, deciding who your partner can interact with… I just wish I wasn't so jealous.
No. 174919
Help me anons
I'm BPD with huge trust issues (getting therapy but it will take a long time); I fear being lied to more than anything and I definitely react to it more than a regular person would, so I need someone elses cleaner judgement here:
Boyfriend is great in every way, reassuring and stuff, happened to 'not tell me the whole truth" in the past about things that happened long before we met, so pretty irrelevant, it still sent me into a fit of rage and panic and I've almost broke up with him then. Ultimately I didnt, explained how essential it is he always tells me the truth, he understood and here we are; few months later. I couldn't reach him last evening on the phone, asked if he's plaing DOTA (he promised to not play it); responded few hours later adamant that he was just watching Netflix. I pushed that I dont believe him but he denied doing anything else multiple times and it ended there. Today he calls me and says he actually was playing the game and was afraid to tell me yesterday. Of course it sent me into complete panic I had to call a friend to watch over me because I wanted to cut myself, hours of yelling and crying and finally breaking up with him. He begged me not to, and asked to rethink it.
Here's the thing: I do agree the lie itsef objectively wasn't gigantic; and he did admit to it soon after but he lied multiple times about it yesterday. How am I to trust him about anything now? What kind of lie you'd give a pass for to your partner?
No. 174920
>>174915He wants to marry you but has no plans to introduce you to his family? That's a major red flag. I wouldn't even bother with the ultimatum because he's clearly hiding something big. At this point it's just a matter of how catastrophic the secret is.
You said it's LDR— have you met him in person? Been to his home?
No. 174924
>>174919Try looking at it from his perspective. He lied because he wanted to avoid your reaction to the truth. Either he thought he would get away with it, or it would be more manageable to deal with an outburst over dishonesty than whatever explosion you'd have because of DOTA. Why did he promise not to play in the first place?
Either way, trust can be rebuilt even in these circumstances. If he really is a good partner otherwise and this is the first/only time he's lied to you, I'd forgive him. I know it scares you, but this really doesn't warrant a breakup.
In any case, I suggest you learn to cope with your emotions for both of your sakes. He'll break up with you if you continue to overreact so violently. The only way he'll stay is if he's just as unhinged as you.
No. 174925
>>174921He definitely was afraid and can see why, but he promised to me before he will always tell me the truth even if I may not like it; so my bpd mind is seeing this now as the ultimate betrayal and choosing his own comfort over my own wellbeing. I've never caught him lying about anything bigger, every time I was paranoid he was able to prove I had nothing to worry about.
>>174923>>174924Thank you both, I really needed to hear it, I know my brain is completely unhinged but it's hard to distance myself from it when all the stupid pain feels real.
I'm not agains games in general at all, I'm against this specific one because he told me in the past he was addicted to it and it made him a typical
toxic gamer back then; he's nothing like that now but the fact he's getting back into that game terrifies me and I've asked him to stop. He said it's not a big deal and he will do it for me, and then well, you see.
I really want to get better with my emotions, I know I'll lose everyone if I won't. Started seeing a therapist at the end of last year but she's told me it will take a long time, so I'm really afraid of how much I may still fuck up in that time. Wish I've gone sooner…
No. 174930
>>174919>happened to 'not tell me the whole truth" in the past about things that happened long before we met>he promised to me before he will always tell me the truth even if I may not like itOh hell no. Anon you are not overreacting and frankly fuck the other anons for blaming you. Yeah your reaction to the game was extreme but that's BPD for you, but the lying about the past thing is a huge red flag. Scrotes that do this are testing you. If I tell a white lie here and there, can I get away with it? Can I manipulate the narrative to my liking so my partner only sees the parts I want her to? Can I hide the things I'm ashamed about and pretend they never happened? You might be thinking "Well he came clean about it! So brave, so mature." Yep but he still chose to lie to you in the first place. Guys who do this always have worse shit they haven't revealed and will continue lying in the future because they feel entitled. And ultimately changing his history means controlling you and your reactions and preventing you from making decisions based on all the facts. And that's fucked up.
My ex was exactly like this and I was like you, in that I told him from day one honesty and trust are everything to me. He said he understood and would accommodate that. He lied about little things in his past but later came clean, saying he'd just been embarassed about them. I thought I'd be forgiving since that showed personal growth, right? HA. He went on to lie to me about the number of partners he'd had and in what circumstances, about watching porn, about seeing prostitutes, about how much he drank, about the things he did and said to me (straight up gaslighting) and ultimately even about assaulting a girl. I'm not trying to scare you and your boyfriend could very well be nowhere near the same realm as my shithead ex. But the point stands: You set a boundary and he broke it. Knowingly. Multiple times. I don't care if it was over a fucking DOTA game or murder. He is not respecting you and that's fucked. There are billions of men in the world, this fucker is not the man with the golden dick and so goddamn special and amazing that you should let your boundaries be trampled and ignored when you could instead have a partner who's upfront with you from the beginning. Why fucking settle? And I think it's super shitty that you're having to deal with BPD on top of this which makes you second guess yourself even more, but no, he's just a dipshit and I say you should bounce. Be with a man who respects you and supports you or none at all.
No. 174932
>>174930I also want to add: my ex has BPD. I bent over backwards to understand his disorder and his insecurities, to try and build him up. I couched everything I said in the most empathetic language I could muster, I hugged him when he was spewing the most vile shit he could think of towards me, I forgave him over and over for breaking my boundaries and lashing out due to his self hatred even when it was breaking my goddamn heart. For years. If you think your BPD makes you "too much," it doesn't. You should absolutely be working on it, going to therapy and getting a better handle on your reactions (he didn't until
after we broke up, of course), but there are insane fucks like me that are willing to be there and support you every step of the way. You being upset, even extremely upset over something he
promised he would not do, is still not okay on his part. His issue is one of entitlement and disregard towards you, not being an uwu poor scared boy because he has a mean BPD girlfriend.
No. 174933
>>174919I have to agree with
>>174930. You may have BPD but you still have boundaries you set down and he purposefully broke them. He clearly does not respect you or your feelings. And imo, when you have a debilitating mental illness you need your partner to help build up trust, not destroy it. If he can't follow through on a promise as inconsequential as not playing assfaggots, how will he ever follow up on the bigger promises? Sorry sis, he fucking sucks. Having BPD isn't an excuse for anyone to treat you lesser.
No. 174942
back from crying my heart out, all of this really makes me wanna stop existing
>>174930oh god anon, I'm so sorry for what you went through. you ex sounds like my biggest nightmare, I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. And you're right, I'm so worried he's testing me, it does seem innocent and theres a lot paranoia I blame on my insecurity and BPD but should i? It's so hard to tell rational from irrational
>>174933I feel it too, it wasn't a huge and impossible thing to do, i never forbid him from doing anything no matter how insecure I felt, it's just this one game he had no need to play for years before, it should have been doable, right? I seriously dont know what to do.
Maybe I'm unlucky, but I've never met a person in my life, be it a partner or a friend, that would be able to be truthful to me, there always was something, that's why I feel there's no hope, i'll never find a person who would be able to never hurt me and at least this guy is gentle, not addicted to porn and not cheating. I know the bar is low but I fear putting in any higher, never met anyone better.
I'll talk with my therapist about it soon, hopefully sort things out in my head better, you've all helped me with putting my confusion and worries into more specific terms I hope I can work with to sort things out. Thank you.
No. 174946
>>174942Why do you feel the need to be with a man who doesn't care about your boundaries and can't even abide by a minor request? There is nothing irrational about being upset by your partner lying to you, even more so when you specifically told them it's a sore point.
>i'll never find a person who would be able to never hurt me and at least this guy is gentle, not addicted to porn and not cheating. I know the bar is low but I fear putting in any higher, never met anyone better.It's one for thing a partner to accidentally hurt you, and yes that happens to everyone. They might make a flippant comment about your clothes or accidentally forget you had a work obligation on date night. Little things. It's another for them to intentionally do something you've made clear you dislike. If they can't abide by the boundaries you set, they should not be in a relationship with you, not try to force you to move said boundary line. That is manipulative. I'm really sorry you've had to deal with so many dishonest people in your life anon, but that doesn't mean you're doomed to put up with them forever. Just cut them off the first time they show they're untrustworthy rather than giving them more chances. Why is it scarier for you to be on your own than staying in a relationship with someone you can't trust? Your own company is not that bad, I promise. Love yourself and understand that your standards are reasonable before throwing yourself into a relationship where someone else can repeatedly screw you over and cause you to further doubt yourself.
No. 174950
>>174942I know it's tough to deal with now, but let me assure you there IS better out there for you. There will be a man who you just feel right with. Honestly it doesn't matter if your fear is rational or irrational, but what does matter is how your partner responds to it. You find out a person's true nature by seeing how they react when you need support from them or how they react to hardships in general. I'm not trying to glorify your mental illness, but it does act as a filter to the shitty guys who don't want a relationship with all the ups and downs it entails.
The question you should ask yourself is "does he make me feel safe?" My current boyfriend has always made me feel that way, from the beginning he set me at ease. If I had anxiety over something he immediately does all that he can to make me feel better. Not to get me to stop whining (like some men do) but because he genuinely wants to see me happy and healthy. You can find a man like that too who wants to work with you anon, but it'll make it a hell of a lot harder if you're settling for trash. I'm willing to bet the anxiety you're feeling isn't just from trauma or your mental illness, but also because you realize you don't feel safe with this guy.
No. 174988
>>174986Do you have abandonment issues by any chance? Been cheated on in the past? Fluctuations in intimacy are normal for healthy couples, so you absolutely should be spending time apart, doing your own things. You need to learn some self-soothing behaviours to cope with the feeling of being ignored.
That said, you should talk it out with him and let him know how you're feeling, what you want and need from him, etc. I don't understand why you'd be anxious over this for months and not say anything at all.
No. 175100
>>175079That's a pretty scrote level mistake to make. I mean usually other women understand that you should be careful when you're trusted with with images like that. All you can really do is hope nothing comes of it.
Not blaming you by any means but you can't realy trust anyone with images like that. If you create an image and share it with anyone the risk of it being further shared is always there.
No. 175121
>>175084this helped me feel a little better anon, thank you
>>175100she is a little naive and has almost spent money on scam sites that i then looked up and thankfully talked her out of. on the meme site there's an option to save to computer or share a public link and she said she only saved it. i can only hope nothing ever comes of it or is stored on the sites servers… she only wanted to make me laugh which i understand but i just wish she thought it through more…
i guess i'll ask for different advice now. after i realised what happened i was really upset and then said i wanted to be alone for a bit, then when we were talking again i got it out of her that she
self harmed from the guilt of hurting me. the injury wasn't that severe but that didn't stop me from being upset. after talking a while she said she was sorry for making it about her. this happens a lot during conflict (the making it about her part, not injury) where i get upset and then she says how she's so stupid and the worst etc etc. i'm wondering if there's a way to make this better or if she will change? we've been together half a year but she still acts like this. it's really exhausting to deal with sometimes when i'm the one who's hurt and now i have to try comfort her because she spirals into self loathing. sometimes i wonder if i should break up with her but i just love her so much…
No. 175134
File: 1615654061369.gif (1.79 MB, 202x360, 9351F803-9B79-4069-B00E-814158…)
>>175125>tall, blonde, slender, thick White people problems be like lmao
No. 175192
>>175142Anon what you've described is not 'kinda' abuse it is flat out abuse. You are allowed to to describe it as such. I grew up in a similar situation and have just gotten out these past few months. What I'd recommend is to 1. fully allow yourself to label the relationship as
abusive and 2. allow yourself to feel the full weight of the emotions that come with a situation like that and grieve. It'll be a hard and very complicated period of time but allowing yourself to see things for as they were will be very freeing, I promise.
Like
>>175149 said take time to find yourself and rediscover any activities you had to give up because of him. But I would also say allow yourself to not be okay for awhile. It's a delicate balance; don't wallow but don't deny your emotions either. Just take some time to be kind to yourself. Therapy is a good idea if you can go, but if not there's a lot of literature/youtube channels out there that specialize in trauma and abuse that can help you as well.
I wish you the best anon.
No. 175255
File: 1615728768244.jpeg (388.55 KB, 750x1254, 8582FBEC-B631-4EE0-A6E1-DDE9EC…)
I think I have serious problem with pic rel. I can’t feel positive feelings of love, but I feel a lot of pain and sadness when I think about how my bf will die someday. This happens in non-romantic relationships too, like with my family members. I fear it makes me put a wall up kind of and makes me question if I truly even love anyone. Idk if this is the right place to post this but if anyone has any advice on fixing this mentality pls help me.
No. 175415
>>175295honeymoon phase never happened for me in any of my relationships
doesn't seem like the same applied to my partners though
No. 175446
File: 1615893121227.jpeg (107.72 KB, 1200x1200, 949222B5-7776-418F-916D-CC71E1…)
>>168782He won’t shower with me
Let me steal his food if I say I’m not hungry
Open the door for me on the car
Give me his fave t shirt
Why do I waste my money and time?
No. 175448
File: 1615893349725.png (472.81 KB, 980x549, 9C05C08F-933D-4621-BF4F-B3086F…)
>>168766I’m giving him until my birthday
There’s no way I’m staying any longer than that.
>visited him he caught feelings > we agreed to be in a relationship > he really didn’t act like a boyfriend would >I broke up with him because of distance then regretted it the next day > 6 months in and I wanna kms No. 175455
File: 1615894650161.jpeg (26.87 KB, 300x168, 1159B4EE-86DC-410F-AA76-A07CE3…)
>>175453I’m going to sound stupid but I’m hoping for a sign he actually cares
No. 175470
>>175455This is harsh, but if you have to ask yourself if he cares about you? Then he doesn't give one iota of a shit. You're only with him because you're afraid of being alone, aren't you? Please Anon, you don't have to waste your time in a dead end relationship.
Btw don't avatarfag on here. Read the rules.
No. 175537
can someone please tell me if i am in the wrong here. my boyfriend and i have been dating for four months, i'm 24 and he's 23. when he'd ask me about anal, i would say no and tell him why (bad experience from ex trying to force me) and he just backed off the subject completely. due to the level of respect he showed by not pushing my boundaries, and also just feeling good about the relationship, i told him i wanted to try anal with him. now i'm not feeling good about the relationship (i feel like he doesn't want to actually show me much intimacy or love at all) so i don't want to even have sex, let alone do anal. i have never wanted to be one of those women that "withheld sex" but all i want is to love and be loved, and then i can give sex. but not like this. i don't know if i'm wrong about this but i simply just don't want to feel used; we haven't spoken in a couple of days because we had a weird "argument"/serious conversation. even though i told him i loved him and he said it back, he still decided to basically kick me out from his place before his sibling came home. i found it weird, got a bit annoyed and went quiet, and then he brought up how "i always get grumpy when he wants to go home from my place". i know it sounds absolutely retarded. i told him if i did that it's obviously because i wanted to spend more time with him and didn't want him to leave, but he just turned it on me and said i "didn't care about what he wanted" and how he wants to go and rest. when i said he's literally kicking me out before anyone gets home he said he wants to "rest" and all i wanna do is "cuddle". the entire thing was utterly ridiculous, when we spoke on the phone later that day because i wanted to just sort the whole thing out, i also brought up what he said about me wanting to cuddle and how it's normal in a relationship to want to constantly be like that with each other because you can't get enough of the other person and you want to be affectionate and stuff. he said yeah but then there's being "needy". this absolutely shocked me because i'm not needy at all. i don't want to talk at every hour of the day, i can go a day or a couple days without talking (even if i miss talking to him). it was bizarre, so i said i know i'm not needy, but if you're gonna be like that then i'll just go cold. then he just backtracked and said nothing, never mind, forget what i said, etc., and just said how he doesn't want "drama" and "serious talks" and just wants things to be "loose". so i just told him i don't like drama either and he should stop being scared or serious talks and we left it at that. i'm just so annoyed at the whole thing and i don't know how he can be so clueless.
No. 175578
>>175545Just because it's normalised doesn't mean it's not cheating, because it is.
It's mind boggling society somehow came to a point where a man in an exclusive relationship can look at and even interact with sexworkers and if his girlfriend takes a problem with that then she's openly told she should just shut up about it.
>>175550You're naive if you think your parents, or at least their generation, didn't do this, they most definitely had their version of nsfw content. People are just way more open about it now.
No. 175719
>>175691You can't make him do or feel anything, if he wanted to get serious he would have. Think about somebody you've had lukewarm feelings for, there's nothing they can do on purpose to manipulate you into adoring them.
Your very basic requests for affection are annoying and inconvenient to him, you don't feel loved because you're not. He's going to keep stringing you along and is going to say whatever bullshit to make you shut up and put out, because he's getting more out of this than you.
No. 175723
>>175687Clearly he doesn't want to move in with you and is too much of a pussy to own up to it, listen to your mom she knows exactly what's up. You can keep pressing him for the real reason why he doesn't want to move in with you, but don't keep pressing him to move in with you. You'll end up in a situation of mutual resentment if he ends up moving in with you because you kept pressing the matter.
If it's an issue to break up over is up to you. Personally I think that a relationship of 14 months is generally not in a stage where it becomes a problem that he doesn't want to start living together yet, but only you can assess if this might create problems in the future.
No. 175746
>>175721I know you're not living together yet but this reminds me of the point you usually reach after living together for a year or more.. he was on his best behaviour in the beginning and now that he's comfortable he's showing you more of who he's going to be longer term. It's often make or break, either you talk it out and he puts an effort in again or he's just the type to totally take partners for granted after a while. If he's the latter then he'll likely have a string of gfs treated to that carry on before he even attempts to change.
The concerning part is that you're a year in and it's heading this way already. Especially when it comes to wanting sex and making no real effort to make sex appealing for you… it's so soon to be reaching that point. Maybe he thinks the abortion experience has you so emotionally tied to him that he has you secured no matter what.
No. 180193
File: 1618784077785.jpeg (311.25 KB, 828x896, 7E3A7629-73DF-4E16-88BC-709232…)
I’m new to dating apps and ended up unintentionally “multi dating” for the first time in my life.
I’m starting to feel serious about one of the people I’ve met, and I can tell they feel the same. I would probably go exclusive with them given the chance.
At what point should I start to tell the others I’m talking to, and most importantly, how? Part of me says not to put all of my eggs in one basket until we’re actually exclusive, and another says I’m leading the others on if I keep talking to them like usual.
No. 180561
Hi farmers, I am in mobile so I’m sorry if this is jumbled. I’ve been milling over asking for advice here because I don’t want to let anyone irl know about my situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and we both care very much about each other. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had. He has bought me more for my birthday than my own parents, has held me while I have had panic attacks from PTSD, offered to pay my rent when I lost my job, surprised me with gifts and reservations multiple times, is not mean or possessive over me having male friends, is accepting of me being bi, does not guilt or pressure me into intimacy, and has taken care of me when I was ill. In the past I have dated people who have not respected me at all, ended up getting addicted to something, hitting me, or worse. This is the only boyfriend I have ever had that I feel genuinely cares about me as I do him.
A couple days ago I saw a notification on his phone for a small cam girl app. We have eachother’s passcodes, so I looked through his phone and saw he had flirtatiously messaged some nobody girls to the point of them getting to drop their private snaps and then stopping about one week before I saw. He was over at my apartment, asleep in my bed after us working, and I started breaking down and when he woke up I told him why. He started crying and admitted since he was 12 he has had a continuous porn addiction that he has had ups and downs with. I told him I was surprised because he was a somewhat religious (christian) adult virgin and I was his first time. He says he was ashamed and has never wanted anyone to know because of his upbringing (much more strict christian actual cult involved parents). He said he used it once and felt sickened by himself and stopped. I believe him on that part because of the timestamps of the message and the notification was saying he hadn’t used it in a while and had unread messages. I told him I wasn’t upset at it being porn, I was just disappointed that it was people he was chatting with because we are exclusive. He was very apologetic and admitted it was a problem and that he betrayed my trust and hurt me. I suggested he look into therapy on top of telling me when he feels compulsion to look at these types of things and he agreed to set up an appointment and be honest with me. He told me he was relieved because he had assumed I was going to ask him to leave and break up immediately. He has kept telling me he is sorry and that he regrets his actions and that he is terrified of the idea of losing me.
I know it has nothing to do with me and addiction is a disease. I know he loves me because of his actions, not just his word. But I am terrified. Am I doing the right thing? It really seems like he loves me but I feel blindsided. I have always tried to create an environment where he can be open with me and the fact he hid this from me feels so awful. I’ve heard of emotional cheating and I don’t know if this is it or I even understand what it means fully. I almost wish I hadn’t seen it and was just blissfully ignorant. I’m not bothered by the fact he looks at porn, I have looked at illustrated porn myself and understand that masturbating isn’t going to make you go blind or anything stupid. It’s the part where it’s actual people that he can talk to and they respond. I just don’t understand why he hid this from me and I know it’s not my fault either. I just don’t want to think we’re doomed because until now we have had zero real issues at all and I honestly have thought about a future with him. Am I overreacting?
No. 180576
>>180561Dude, come on. The immense amount of stuff he's done for you is love bombing, a manipulation tactic. And it's working. Because he's been so outrageously affectionate, giving, coddling and attentive, you now feel tempted to ignore the fact that he's a porn addict, and not only watching videos, but talking with actual cam girls and supporting the fucking sex industry. That's disgusting and actively harmful to all women. You're positioning him as better than other guys you were with when in fact
>ended up getting addicted to somethingHe falls right in line with the above. It's been 6 months, that is not a long period of time. Cut your losses. Also you shouldn't be surprised that he's like this "despite" having been a religious virgin, growing up in that sort of repressive environment leaves a lot of people with weird ass psychoses and perversions (I know from direct experience). This is not some small issue, you've encountered a life-long addiction he hid from you since the start of your relationship. He felt entitled to both keep you in the dark and emotionally cheat. I'm sorry for you that he turned out to be this way but truly, you should be happy you found out now rather than years down the line.
No. 180577
>>180561It sounds like you’ve dated a lot of shitty guys before that this standard relationship behavior has you swooning. Nothing you wrote about him sounds that great. Doesn’t mind that you’re bi, isn’t jealous of male friends, gets you presents? You shouldn’t be thinking you hit the jackpot with this anon, anyone who isn’t a total knob should be doing this stuff. The “bad part” here seems to really,
really outweigh the good. It’s one thing to be porn addicted, it’s another to actually talk to camgirls and get their private snap.
You come across as sounding quite young and like someone who has dated only the worst of the worst. I don’t think this guy is worth the trouble, and I think you should work on yourself and your expectations of relationships. Someone performing basic relationship niceties doesn’t mean you need to put up with cheating.
No. 180582
>>180561Not to make you feel bad anon but you really have to think, one day he sat down and messaged someone on a cam girl app, he didn't stop to think about how you felt or how bad that it was he was doing that. Also he would NEVER have told you if you didn't find out. Even though you had his passcode to his phone he felt confident doing it. He is a massive piece of shit.
Just really think, can you trust him again? Even if he does go to therapy and try to fix it. Do you feel like when everything has calmed down he won't message another woman? It's not like you'd know unless you snooped because he was treating you so well and confidently doing it, assuming you'd never see it. You even said you both care very much about each other but how can you think that after he did this? It's easier to leave at 6 months rather than longer down the line.
No. 180784
>>180780I would always message first and the guy would always react positively to it because it made me stand out from everyone else.
But in my experience, I got nothing but bad matches until I got so sick of the whole thing I just stopped giving a single shit and made my profile like 90% self deprecating memes. I also started skipping the whole getting to know each other -phase and just start talking about whatever random shit came to mind. I actually had a long ass convo about chris-chan with someone as an opener, after which they asked me out lmao. The quality of matches and conversations drastically improved and I'm still friends with a lot of the people I matched with (met my gf elsewhere). So I guess what I'm saying is that you'll have a better experience if you just take the piss out of it.
No. 180785
>>180780I know people who met on these apps and are now married or have been in a LTR.
You might get lucky or you might end up digging through trash for months before you find someone worth even talking to.
Also,
>>180784 is right
No. 186749
File: 1621520253963.png (1.76 MB, 2142x2890, 20210520_091441.png)
Can any anons with experience in this help? Okay so, There is a guy in my class that I think likes me. Its a subtle feeling I have and the feeling get stronger everytime I seem to catch him staring. He is the type to space out a lot but its so constant now that I feel crazy. We are aquantainces but we'd be great friends cause are interest do overlap. I'm usually never wrong about this kinda stuff, I've always been able to figure out if someone had a crush on me so its kinda like a 6th sense but this time it feels so weird like this person cant decide if they like me or not. Please tell me I'm not just getting ahead of myself its really stressing me out.
No. 186838
>>186832Like
>>186837 says he just sounds like a flakey person, it doesn't seem like he actually wants to move in with you else he would also be proactive. Any decent guy would be ashamed to let you do all the work like that, this sounds like a relationship where he'll use you for all your worth without giving anything back. Please don't move in with him, you will regret being chained to a lukewarm man who doesn't actually care about you.
No. 186925
>>186920>doesn't want any of his friends at the weddingthis alone I suppose not so much, maybe he doesn't like them really
>won't even tell the we are engagedbut this is a HUGE red flag. why wouldn't he want them to know this? is there something they know and he'd fear they'll tell you if they knew he made such a serious move with you?
No. 186966
>>186961>do his other friends even know you exist?I don't know. Neither of us have social media so it's not like we can declare our relationship status together.
>How long have you been together?About three years now.
>Has he said why he doesn't want to tell his friends about your engagement or why you haven't met them except for one?He just says he isn't as close to them as I am with my friends. He really hasn't hung out with them that much since we started dating. Though recently he started making a lot of plans with them, he just doesn't really invite me.
>>186963This is my fear. I also nagged him into an engagement. I'm mentally ill, and am scared that he is ashamed of me because of it.
No. 186979
>>186966 > I also nagged him into an engagement. I'm mentally illI'm going through a divorce right now. I was mentally ill, my partner proposed to me after I cried to him. It was my birthday so I cried about a lack of commitment and got a proposal in response. The marriage lasted two years and when I went into a particularly bad mental health phase he just dipped and cut me off entirely. Married or not he still walked away as if it was nothing.
Based on experience I would never be the one really pushing for commitment again. When you have mental health shit going on you don't want to rush things. Take the pressure off and just see how partners deal with things like you hitting a rough patch. That's the true test. You don't want the guy to just buy you a ring to keep you quiet for a while.