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File: 1650430270086.jpg (34.68 KB, 1080x608, career-advice.jpg)

No. 257551

Ask for advice on any topic!
Previous thread: >>>/g/205674

No. 257630

Alright well I'll christen the thread with some needed advice. Domestic abuse victims, please chime in.

The couple next door are definitely a domestic abuse case. I've always heard the woman screaming when they kick off, in various degrees of pain. They kicked off again about half an hour ago, so I called the police 'cause the woman was yeling things like, "No let me go", "No that's disgusting", and "I just want to leave". The worst I heard her yell in pain and fear was about a month ago. When I called the police that time, nothing happened. This time the police actually did a wellness check, but to my utter embarrassment, neither the man nor woman were home (they somehow left in the span of like… 5 minutes after this all kicked off and I don't get it). I swear to god I feel like I'm a crazy person and I want to know… the next time this happens, do I start recording them? I share a wall with them, hence how I can hear this all. But I feel like I need to gather some evidence or at least stand out in the hallway so I can see where they go or what they look like. Please let me know what to do next time this happens aside from call the police. I want to finally catch them in the act and end this shit once and for all.

No. 257780

>>257630
IDK where you live but if it's america then there's not much you can do. Police can't do jack shit about domestic violence issues even if YOU were the one getting battered, and you're just a neighbor who isn't directly involved. If they ever get caught then the woman will likely make up excuses to defend her bf to get the cops to leave since she clearly does not want them involved. Sorry.

No. 257912

File: 1650571877462.gif (955.95 KB, 498x278, angels-egg-anime.gif)

How do I start socializing again after a prolonged period of isolation?
Conceptually, I get it, I just go to places and meetups and whathave you and just talk to people. But how do I keep myself from sounding and looking 'off'? I feel like people would be able to tell that I'm sheltered from the way I speak and that I'm forcing myself to open up and talk. This is the other thing, I yearn for company but at the same time afraid of intimacy. I feel like this is another thing that people would pick upon, the ambivalence that I feel towards them

No. 257921

>>257912
Deep breathes Noni. Remember we’re all just weird little star dust people trying to exist and connect. Intimacy and connection take time. It comes naturally as relationships progress as long as they’re healthy and you two mesh well. Don’t force yourself, most of the people who push going so far out of your comfort zone are telling you to disrespect your boundaries. Reassure and work through your anxiety but honor and listen to your genuine concerns too.
Try simple compliments first. Prepare in your head. Checking out at the store compliment the clerk on her shirt or hair. It makes people feel good.
In one on one when you’re trying to actually get to know someone ask them questions and listen. People really do like to talk about themselves. Even if they say they don’t. Most people just don’t listen. So a little genuine kindness and reassurance can help. And if someone is an asshole. Fuck them. You don’t want to be friends with people that don’t like you anyway.

No. 257923

>>257912
Cliche I know but "fake it 'til you make it" helped me when I was in your situation. At first I sucked and failed but the more I practiced the better I got at it. I'm still not jazzed about socializing but I've also gotten to the point when making new friends I'll tell them that I'm shy or awkward and it takes me a bit to warm up and they tell me they didn't get that impression from me. They are probably lying to make me feel better but they at least stay engaged and friendly try to help me feel comfortable instead of being visibly uncomfortable and shutting down the conversation. I have even made some good friendships which I thought I wouldn't be able to with how withdrawn I used to be. Just keep trying nona. Failure is part of the path to success so don't beat yourself up when it doesn't work out the way you hoped. There will always be more people and more chances to make a good impression.

No. 257950

File: 1650580815469.png (458.3 KB, 1032x530, f07.png)

What do you do when everything starts feeling stagnant in your life? I think it's just another depressive episode, but lately everything's been feeling bland to me and nothing feels worth doing. Not even going out to buy stuff helped me feel better, I don't see a point to even getting new things. I don't hate my life right now, it just feels like a drag, same town, same job, same people, same places. I dream about moving away but know this cycle will just repeat after a while. How do you get out of this slump?

No. 257951

>>257950
is your pic cryaotic?

No. 257952

>>257951
It's a still from smiling friends

No. 258003

File: 1650602747734.png (179.77 KB, 320x300, 1596174105423.png)

How to get used to not talking to someone on a daily basis? A friend and I have pretty much gotten to the point in a very active and emotional friendship where we've realized there's not much to talk about anymore unless someone's upset (usually me). They keep busy in life, and I have my own shit to deal with as they are well aware of, so we've agreed that it's okay to not talk frequently if there's nothing important to talk about. However, I've realized that I'm so used to constant communication with them that it's hard to not talk to them, and I wind up upset if I can't even talk to them for a little bit at the end of the day. How the fuck do I fix this without just outright calling a break to the friendship or telling them to make me fuck off for their own good?

No. 258090

>>257950
>>257951
KEK nonna, I see it

No. 258101

>>257950
I've had this issue multiple times before and even now I'm in this same slump. I think you just have to accept that life is repetitive to a point (when I first realized this it made me suicidal ngl) and you have to pave your own way. Romanticize the mundane, try new things, even if it's something as small as a different route home from work or a new restaurant. Pick up a new hobby. Try to learn a new language. I think you will be happier if you spend your money on experiences instead of material possessions. Oh, and if you want to move away and start all over, go for it! Life is all about trying new things and getting experience under your belt. But the key is to just be content with what you have, gratitude is a learned skill tbh. Good luck anon and I hope we can both get out of our slump together!
>>258003
I'm sorry anon, I know how lonely this can feel. It feels like you're a lost puppy waiting for their owner to come home. All you can really do is to try to keep yourself occupied or perhaps meet more people you can talk to so you don't feel so lonely. It's not good to be dependent on only one friend.

No. 258131

What is the best way to prepare for a bad mental health day? I've got my bed set up, bottles of water ready close by, tidied kinda. What else can I do 'cause I can feel myself getting to a point where one day is going to be really bad and I'd like some advice on how to cushion my fall

No. 258139

>>258131
Maybe some easy prepared meals that don’t take cooking. Cold pasta salads or frozen sets of soup you can throw in microwave or a pan on the stove so you’re still eating well. Make sure you already have your laundry done like changing the sheets and you have towels and your favorite comfort type clothing if you have the energy or mental space. If you’re a student getting some of the bigger assignments done at the beginning of the week at a non burn out pace so if you start doing poorly later you’re already ahead because you used your good days to cushion your bad. What kind of tips do you want Noni?

No. 258183

Nonas I quit smoking 6 days ago from a pack a day to nothing and my anxiety is so bad, I’ve genuinely been panicking over ghosts being real and shit, I feel like everyone hates me. How do I stay strong, and has anyone experienced anything similar?

No. 258193

>>258183
Have you tried getting off of it more gradually? Sorry if that’s not helpful, I’ve never had a nicotine addiction.

No. 258199

>>258183
been on and off quitting for the past year. its definitely hard but I suggest taking calming vitamins every day, I take magnesium and valerian and some other herbal relaxants every day. I also bought a vape with 2 chambers one with nicotine and one without. Just so that my hands have something to do once I get that urge. I also really suggest patches, I had so much depression when I was quitting and once I bought patches that niggling feeling and anxiety just subsided and I was able to work properly again.
Good luck anon, its really hard but you do overcome it.

No. 258201

>>258101
Thanks, noni. Unfortunately we went ahead with taking a break in talking with each other for at least a few days to maybe a week depending on whether I can get myself together. They also gave me a therapy app to use to try and sort out some of the stress I've been dealing with, but it doesn't really compare to talking with live people (actual therapy is not a luxury I can afford rn, unfortunately).

No. 258228

>>258183
Quitting cold turkey is so hard anon, you should definitely try supplementing the patches/gum in the meantime. They’re a huge a help in the early quitting phase.

No. 258234

>>258183
Start breaking your routine. Nicotine addiction is only for the first week to two after that it’s mental not physical. Pet of the problem is it’s your routine. So when your brain goes on auto pilot and you get to where you would normally smoke in your routine. You want a cig instinctually. Start doing stuff with your non dominant hand like opening doors and brushing your teeth. It’s annoying. Your brain doesn’t like. It interrupts your routine. If you still want to smoke something I know the herb shop down the street from me sells cedar “cigs” that are blended to taste similar but without tobacco or nicotine. You could try that.

No. 258297

>>258183
i'm quitting too, and my anxiety is through the roof. doing some exercise or going for a long walk every day helps a lot, as long as its something that really tires me out and distracts me for a few hours. keeping busy, always having something to do with my hands. i drink a lot of peppermint tea.

No. 258301

>>258297
>>258183
i've been smoke free for about year and a half. also quit cold turkey. i took no supplements/vitamins/juices/patches and what-have-yous but that is just my personality. i had set out a date of quitting, and had watched joel spitzer videos for a couple of months prior. (i went against his advice to watch them as you quit, though i did watch some of his daily vids while quitting too). anyways i had built a really good arsenal of comebacks for that little voice inside my head that keeps you thinking about cigarettes, making you want to smoke etc. i had convinced myself that this voice is a little piece of shit that only makes me want to stay miserable, keep spending money on poison etc. i completely flipped the way i thought about cigarettes as i used to be a hardcore smoker, pack and more a day, i fucking loved it. i knew that the hardest part about quitting for me would be the mental, so i really focused on that. i had arguments with myself daily for weeks, it was exhausting, but i kept telling myself it was worth it, and it was. good luck nonnies.

No. 258432

Copying from /ot/ because the adhd thread is about to get locked - How can I get better at starting tasks? Some things I need to do feel so big and complex and impossible that I just get extremely anxious and put them off until the very last minute while panic consumes me. I have some deadlines coming up and I have been telling myself I'll start working for the last 5 days and somehow each day passes and I get nothing done. I don't even know where the day went.

No. 258447

>>258432
I'm in the same boat. Deadlines on their way and I can't start anything. The only productive days I've had recently have been when I wake up, make a coffee, get back into bed and start working straight away before my mind can start making excuses.

No. 258475

>>258432
>>258447
I start by making a list of everything I need to do. Of those tasks I choose the most important one (nearest deadline, other's depending on me, personal investment) as my starting point. Then I break it down into smaller tasks.
>Clean entire house
>clean kitchen
>wipe countertops
>Take out sponge and spray bottle
Narrow it down until it feels easy enough to that you could complete that first step in five minutes. I often tell myself "ok, I'll do just this and only for 5 minutes and then take a break". Usually when that five minutes has passed, I don't feel the need to stop, I just keep going until I've finished several more steps.
It also helps to be realistic about how much you can actually do. Most of the time, some things on the list are left incomplete because I just don't have the time or energy. That's okay. As long as I can manage to do even one, small, five minute part of my task, then I'm proud of myself.
Lastly please consider letting some things go. Maybe you have too much on your plate? When I feel stressed to the point of inaction, I resolve to take on fewer responsibilities even if it means people get mad at me or I'm disappointed in myself. I think it's more important to move slowly, at a pace I am personally comfortable with, and take good care of my physical health.

No. 258496

>>258432
Cut out all distractions. I've got ADD and I'm medicated but this took me years to figure out. That means closing the browser, turning off music, and just getting to work. I work for an hour or two, take a break, get lunch, and then back at it for two more hours. Then a 10 minute break, then keep going 'til it's time for dinner.

No. 258555

How do I tell my mother she smells like piss and the living room she sleeps in smells of piss because she can’t get off the sofa quick enough to avoid pissing herself ahhhh. She gets defensive and accuses me of being cruel when I’ve tried telling her she smells in the past but I just don’t want her to go around smelling of piss!!

No. 258652

>>257950
>I dream about moving away but know this cycle will just repeat after a while
Same thing happened to Squidward

No. 258655

>>258555
I'd go the passive aggressive route. Start sparying air freshener whenever you're near her

No. 258682

>>258555
maybe gift her some nice body washes? seems like the most subtle way to try and get the point across.

No. 258803

I'm seeing someone who tells me that he is in love with me in various ways. But when I tell him I really like him back he gets dismissive. He also gets mad when I talk about other men. What should I do, I've known him for 2 months.

No. 258830

>>258555
Are you her caretaker? See if you can get her some of those padded panties made especially for urinary incontinence. I think thinx makes some. They are more work than disposables, but they also feel more dignified because they are panties, not diapers.

No. 258835

>>258555
She clearly knows because you've told her before. Unless she's severely ill in other ways she's just decided she's out of ideas or she doesn't care and made her peace with it.
So she sleeps on the couch, maybe get her a mattress protector that's made for bedwetting. Or even just a thick blanket she can use as a throw so if she has an accident she can at least chuck that in the wash.

No. 258840

File: 1650899176409.png (365.41 KB, 694x663, Screenshot 2020-09-16 at 17.31…)

Any advice on making new friends outside of work/school/clubs? I live alone in a small area, I recently go dumped and realised outside of my relationship I don't have a 'best friend'. My current friendship group consists of my mum and women close to my mums age who are married with kids (I am 23). Although they are all very supportive and lovely they're not the kind of friends that share my hobbies and interests. There are also no clubs or groups in my area for my hobbies

Am I destined to be a hermit?

No. 258842

>>258803
Walk the fuck away. This is a red flag for terminal insecurity, so unless you're into guys who are mentally 3 years old and still attached to mommy's hip who need constant emotional babying, fucking run.

Never entertain a guy who makes you feel anything but amazing. The gut feelings of cringe, ick, and ugh are there for a reason.

No. 258843

>>258555
The practical solution is to get her either pads or (tena type) pants depending on how much she's leaking. The pads are obviously cheaper and easier if that's enough to manage it. If she's not already usig products though I wonder how her mental state is. Most women would rather go out and buy products than smell. They don't need to be told first. Has she generally lost pride in herself?

No. 258846

>>258840
Start a new hobby or maybe take classes if there are some affordable continuing edu places near you.

No. 258848

>>258840
I would take a class in something you’re interested in. Not like school, but like a once-a-week pottery class or something.

No. 258879

this is a shot in the dark but does anyone know how to enroll for classes online fast? its very important i need to complete this internship before next year to graduate but whenever uni announces they're launching spots(they announce the time the week before) its gone in literally 0.05 seconds it has happened twice already like they're gone so fast by the time i move the cursor to click they disappear idk if its my internet i used my personal hotspot last time, would automating the course registration with selenium help?

No. 258881

>>258879
If there's a way to turn on notifications for when the spot opens, that's the best (free) way. You just have to drop everything you're doing and enroll asap.

No. 259249

How do you cut off a friend, but you want to avoid conflict?

No. 259256

>>259249
Make zero effort to socialize with them and wait for them to get the cue.

No. 259271

>>259256
fuck me, this is literally what all my friends end up doing with me

No. 259310

My downstairs neighbors have a baby and she's been crying non stop for weeks, I overheard the dad on the phone yesterday and it sounds like the kid has some sort of ongoing health problem.

I have only talked to them once before, when they moved in, but they were very friendly and apologized for the noise of the move and their baby crying the first few nights after they moved in. That was a long time ago now and I've only heard her again recently.

I want to do something for them, like give them muffins or a teddy for their daughter. Would that be creepy or tone deaf of me?
I live alone and have no kids in my life so I have no idea how they would respond. I know I don't like people feeling sorry for me, but I also think a little friendly gesture might be nice. But I also don't want to seem like I'm prying or overstepping at all.

No. 259312

File: 1651057802393.jpg (17.25 KB, 452x357, eet wood.jpg)

okay so let me start out by saying i have a serious aversion to gore. it's been my biggest insecurity since forever and i've had terrible reactions to it for my entire life. i'm so sick of not being able to watch media (i enjoy horror ironically) that include a little blood without my hands going cold and clammy and having nausea. i was getting better with it but now i've seemed to go backwards. please help, nonnies, this has been nagging at me for a very long time and i'd like to address it for good. how do i start on fixing this affliction? why me

No. 259314

>>259310
that sounds like a lovely idea and i'm sure they would appreciate it! if you don't know them that well, taking them something nice could be a way to connect with them

No. 259315

is there any way to get over a phobia that isn't exposure therapy? i would rather die then go through exposure therapy but i'm also so tired of my vomit phobia ruining my life. i work with kids and it's something i'll have to experience sometimes, i want to be able to watch a movie without having a panic attack if someone vomits. does anyone know how to let it stop controlling my life?

No. 259320

>>259315
I'm so sorry. I have the same phobia and I know how exhausting it is. I don't really have an answer for you, I could never go through exposure therapy either, and I'm not really convinced it would work either so it might be a lot of stress and fear for nothing. I feel like this is one of the worst phobias because you can never run away from your own body. You're not alone, sending you love.

No. 259326

>>259312
a contradiction with the post above kek but my best guess would be exposure therapy. it sucks, but eventually the more you get exposed to gore the less affected you will be by it.

No. 259327

I was heavily neglected by my parents and now as an adult I have no idea how to care for my body. The worst part is that I have no idea how and how often I should wash myself. I feel so overwhelmed. Anyone got maybe a short rundown what to do regularly or something?

No. 259328

>>259310
i think that would be cute and they'll appreciate it! you could leave them a note along the lines of "i know you've been struggling recently and i wanted to prepare something to make your day better" or something like that

No. 259329

>>259315
I hate to say it but exposure is what helped me. Had it since i was like 9 and i'm 30+ now. It was only when I started forcing myself to look at pictures and watch videos of it did I start to feel more comfortable. I still really hate it and if someone says they're going to puke, I run for the hills but I can handle it if my dog is sick and the few times I've seen it by chance out in the real world (the aftermath or whatever), then it's always been okay. It really is one of those phobias where it helps to get used to it, as disgusting as it is.

No. 259330

>>259327
you don't have to do all of these things straight of the bat since it could be overwhelming when you're starting, but imo the minimum would be something along the lines of:
>brush your teeth when you wake up and before to bed (so 2x a day)
>shower at least a couple times a week depending on the season and how much you sweat, but it's probably best if you shower every day
>wash your hair like 2x a week or so depending on the length of your hair and how greasy it is
>change your underwear daily

No. 259341

>>259327
I got you Noni. I grew up the same so here a run down of everything I can think of okay?
Brush your teeth twice a day and floss before bed. When you floss. Floss before you brush so you loosen anything stuck between your teeth and the brush helps remove it after. Don’t use a whitening toothpaste they just wear down your enamel and don’t improve tooth health.
Washing your face can be left most of the time till night time. Then just a gentle face cleanser and throw on some moisturizer. You don’t need sunscreen on a daily basis unless you’re going to be outside in the hottest part of the day with the sun high or longer than 30 minutes in the morning or afternoon. A little sun is good for you.
I would recommending showering everyday. Just a rinse off before bed and never wear your outside clothes in your bed. Your tracking dirt. When you shower start top to bottom. So if you’re washing your hair. Do that then teeth if you need to brush them. Then face. Tooth paste around your mouth can make you break out so do it before you wash your face. Then body starting from the top. Focus on pits, under the breast in the fold. Belly button. Your but and crack then down the legs. When you wash your lady hits don’t use soap inside your labia (the lips). Take a warm wash rag or your hand and rinse the area clean. It has its on PH and is self cleaning. That’s the discharge you get and the white acidic bleach spots in your undies.
Don’t sleep in underwear just loose pants or shorts or naked. Change your undies in the morning. Shoot for natural cotton so they breathe or if you need to use a synthetic make sure they have that extra piece of fabric for “moisture wicking”. Pants unless they get dirty are good to wear two or three times as long as you’re wearing undies and shirts I normally wash every time or every other since I tend to be a little messy or it can get hot and if I sweat I wouldn’t wear it again.
When you go to the restroom always wipe front to back. If you wipe back to front you are pulling fecal matter towards your vaginal opening and can give yourself bacteria infections and stuff. If you need more Noni let me know. I’ll be your advice aunt. Us neglected adults have to stick together.

No. 259345

>>259341
This is a really great list but I would say try not to sleep naked/without bottoms on. Even if you regularly wipe you can get leftover fecal matter in your sheets and irritate your skin.
Also to add: when you put on lotions/creams, don't get in bed for at least 20 min otherwise it will rub off on your sheets.
And just in general change the bedding once a week or once every two weeks depending on how much you sweat. Sorry to sperg about bed sheets so much lol

No. 259348

>>259341
Thank you, this is so kind. Did you upgrade your hygiene step by step or everything at once?
Should I clean my nose everyday? I think there is always stuff in it but I don't know how to make it properly clean. And cleaning the ears everyday? Should I use hot water in the shower or is warm better?

No. 259350

>>259348
Step by step. I started with the bigger pieces like showering and brushing my teeth. Making sure I had clean clothes and underwear. Then started washing my sheets more regularly, wearing socks with my workout sneakers, going to dentist visits etc. You can take steps and remember this is a process. Work a step at a time. Maybe make a checklist to start like a little one to keep in the bathroom with your night and morning steps and then as you have more you want to add try them out?
When showering you want to use warm not super hot. Hot water if it’s really hot actually removes the natural oil from your skin, so you’re better using a warm water with either a charcoal and oatmeal soap or a gentle tea tree.
You shouldn’t need to clean your ear canals themselves under most cases and for the sake of your hearing don’t stick things in the canal yourself. To wash your ears. Take a warm rag when you wash your face or in the shower. It’s your preference. Get behind them where they meat your head. Dead skin likes to build up their. Then go in the top inside alcove and then just into the little conch and your done. It’s just a wipe to remove excess ear wax, dirt, and dead skin around your the outside part of your ear.
As far as noses. As long as you can breathe you’re okay. The mucus is normal. It happens to all of us. It’s part of how our body removes allergens and illness. Blow your nose when you need to wash your hands afterwards. If you have a lot of nose hair and want to trim it you can, but it’s not necessary and nose hair helps protect your nose from debris. If the inside of your nose is very dry you can use a saline nose spray which is just sterile salt water to moisten it. You should be okay though just letting the inside of your nose do nose things.

No. 259362

>>258183
>>258199
>>258297
I managed to quit for a year (a lot of horrible shit put me back onto it) and in that year I didn't even crave a single cig and I did it Alan Carr's guide to quitting smoking. Not the comedian but another guy, he really went into the psychology of smoking from a smokers perspective and got to the route of why you smoke and how you're lying to yourself essentially. I'm sure you can find the book online and would highly recommend. There's also a cheesy 90s DVD of it which I preferred as I liked the visual element. There was a youtube upload that no longer exists but I wouldn't think it'd be hard to find . Even though I vape now my year of not smoking was honestly so easy and it was all from that. Good luck!

No. 259392

Advice for social anxiety and isolation? I have a work from home job and live with my parents in the country. I don't have friends to live with so I'm stuck here until I either a) get a higher paying job or b) find people to live with and take a lower paying job. Problem with it is I'm a shut-in with social anxiety and it's very hard for me to make friends. I've had plenty of roommates before but it never worked out. My social issues also cause problems at work too, since I don't have to talk to anyone at my current role I am afraid of having to meet new people. It feels like I'm doomed to live with my parents and just pray I can find another low skill remote job if I get fired from my current one. Ideally I'd like to have a few friends and maybe live with one but I have no idea where to start with this. I have to drive an hour to be in a town with people in their 20s so it's not as convenient to try and join clubs. Is trying for online friends worth it?

No. 259518

How can i come off as less of a terminally online person. Also how the fuck do I make friends with other women, I’m trying to be less of a nlog but i feel like all of my girl friends prefer to talk to men as well.

No. 259537

>>259518
Start doing more things offline. Look at volunteer opportunities, group classes, local hobby groups, community center and library events, Meetups, public presentations, even check out your local news and you might find some interesting opportunities to meet people. If your current girlfriends are pickmes then make connections with different women. A lot of of women are unfortunately stuck in a male-centric mindset, but there are a lot of us out there, you will eventually find some more in line with your views if you keep looking.

No. 259566

File: 1651125852350.jpg (54.4 KB, 500x374, edvard-munch-una-pittura-tra-a…)

How do I accept myself?

I grew up in a household where any sort of self-expression was discouraged (as soon as I put on any kind of a poster on the wall, my mother tore it down, she also criticized my drawings and the films I liked to watch, etc pretty much anything that I liked or did. She also preemptively shot down anything she assumed I wanted to do but didn't). As a result I still struggle with self-acceptance and self-expression and it's especially anxiety inducing whn I'm supposed to be speaking about things I like to do because I expect to be rejected. I also recently realized that my apartment also does not reflect who I am in any way because I was afraid to personalize it (no pictures on the walls for instance).

No. 259569

>>259566
I might add that my interests aren't anything out of the ordinary, I like video games (mostly retro things), illustration, fantasy novels, etc. It's just that I internalized my mother's opinions about them

No. 259590

>>259566
I think CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can help a lot. You can work on your views to change the internal scripts your mother left you with about needing to restrain your interests. There's a book by Matthew McKay you can get on Libgen called Self-Esteem. A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques that is a good place to start.

No. 259605

>>259566
That was a traumatic, neglectful childhood you experienced. You'll need to work through what happened to you and essentially nurture and accept your past self in the ways your mother did not. Try reading the book The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori. Not only is it a good way to understand how your childhood affects your adult self, it has activities and journal prompts and the like. I found it on Z Library, might be on Libgen too.

No. 259664

>>259312
>>259315
>>259320
Sorry nonnas, but exposure therapy is pretty much the only thing that genuinely works for phobias.

No. 259981

>>259590
>>259605
Thank you both, The Emotionally Absent Mother looks really promising, I don't know how I never heard of it before!!

No. 260141

bump. careful scrolling anons

No. 260235

File: 1651381201081.png (835.94 KB, 760x570, wlkefhlwkfe.png)

My commute to work is going to be 1.5 hours each way, or 3 hours total. I'm also a very sleepy driver who hates driving. I want to kill myself. I know logically I have to take this job. But I want to lie and tell my parents I didn't get it. They tell me driving 1.5 hours to work is "no big deal" and no reason to turn down a job, citing the fact that they used to do even longer commutes when they were younger. When I tell them I don't think I can handle 3 extra hours on the road 5 days a week they basically call me a baby who has to suck it up and face "real life". Should I turn down the job and lie to them that I didn't get it? Or should I take it and suck it up?

No. 260238

>>260235
samefag, the job is also not spectacular but it's all I can get. So that makes it feel even shittier. I get to drive 3 hours a day just to be an underpaid secretary.

No. 260240

>>260235
Are trains not viable in your country/city? I think you should definitely look for a job closer and tell your parents you didn’t get it if you can afford it/ they will support you or think about relocating

No. 260243

>>260240
No, I'm in the US south. If I could do a train or bus commute then I would take the job but I hate driving so so so fucking much already. I loathe the absence of public transportation here.
My parents will financially support me until i get a job but they will be disappointed in me for not landing this one because my next option is a using a staffing agency.

No. 260246

>>260243
You’re parents sound like they have an annoying ‘bootstrap’ mentality so I wouldn’t worry so much about disappointing them for not taking one possible job

No. 260266

>>260235
1.5 hour commute just ONE way is insane. Unless you are about to get thrown out, I would look for something else. You will be completely miserable.

No. 260280

How do other nonnas deal with hypersexuality and stuff like that? It has been about 3 years since last time I had sex and it was really horrible, that whole time was really bad and now I know I was in a weird hypersexual phase, I did a lot of things I regret a lot, I used to cam underaged and made porn of myself and I was just not myself at all, it was all very disturbing and then I just suddenly turned completely normal for the past 3 years. I feel like I'm getting to that 'place' again and getting this weird urge to be risky and dangerous again, I really cannot afford it nonnas, I live in a muslim country, I could get seriously hurt and ostrascized, I am already lucky I came out with minimal damage to my brain and body. I don't know how to let this phase past so I can go back to my normal self. I'm seriously starting to feel unhinged and weird, just like before. Also, I'm 21 right now, and I'm afraid that this cycle will continue, I want it to stop. Any nonnas with similar experiences?

No. 260288

>>260280
Yes. Set hard rules for yourself while you still are aware of what you absolutely don’t want to do again. Write it down in a secret place if you need to. Then don’t break those. I channeled a lot of that energy and effort into working out and focusing on myself. I stopped consuming sexual content. Even highly sexual tv shows. If they wouldn’t show it on cable tv during the day it’s not going on my tv. Cut out the highly pornified social media. It helped. A lot of my surroundings we’re exasperating my issues. It’s slow and takes a lot of stopping and considering where something is coming from and why. Most of the time when I was hyper sexual I just wanted to feel wanted and okay and not have to think for a minute.

No. 260315

>>260288
Thanks a lot, nonna. I actually have a diary I wrote in from that time and reading it gave me a wake up call definitely, I really don't want to go back to that. I'll do what you say about writing too. Thankfully, my surroundings irl and online are as sterile and asexual as they could be.
>when I was hyper sexual I just wanted to feel wanted and okay and not have to think for a minute.
This is so relatable. Another thing I'm pretty sure is a factor is that these types of things I used to do as a young teen and I think, in some twisted way, it brings me some sort of comfort and familarity. Thanks for the help nonna, I wish you the best.

No. 260551

>>260235
thats 15 hours a week, its a whole unpaid part-time job

No. 261094

Why do some people say stuff like “if it makes you uncomfortable we don’t have to” when it you already show interest, and it’s mundane and not a huge commitment? Is it just insecurity or something?

No. 261743

my ex boyfriend & abuser bought me some very expensive earrings costing £70 (uh.. expensive for me, i wouldnt spend more than £15 on earrings!!) but i dont want them anymore for obvious reasons. i lost the box for them and they have been worn but they're still £70 online. is there any way i can sell them? even getting £20 for them would be awesome tbh. is it worth buying a box for them and reselling? can you resell used earrings or is it totally disgusting?

No. 261753

>>261743
You should be able to. You would probably take less without the original box. Just disinfect them before you photograph them and ship.

No. 261754

>>261094
>Is it just insecurity or something?
That's one possible reason, but not necessarily. Personally I have been around some people (women mostly, let's face it) who were people pleasers that I knew had done things they weren't really into just to make other people happy or feel wanted. So their first "yes" may have been a kneejerk response and I wanted to make sure they really did want to go along for their own reasons. Maybe you're not like this, but if the person you're interacting with has dealt with that type of person often, it may have just become habit to double check like that.

No. 261832

File: 1651883398800.jpg (Spoiler Image, 37.84 KB, 479x639, IMG_20220507_021945.jpg)

>>248105
>>248383
Kek from the hand sperging I remembered some anons posted their hands a while ago, look my fingers have something wrong with them. I think my bone is jutting out on my index finger, it appeared last year, does anyone else have this

No. 261922

How do i get this girl’s attention, she strikes me as autistic kinda, we like the same things which are pretty nerdy but i’m not as comfortable sperging as she is (got shamed a lot as a kid so its hard for me to be talk about that stuff) so i gave her the impression that we’re not compatible. She’s so damn cute anons… i want her to love me and enjoy my company

No. 262267

How can I get rid of my libido? I don't watch porn and I've never been interested. I don't like feeling attracted to women, because I'm aware it's objectifying. I'm especially ashamed of the amount of women I find attractive and my lack of standards. I can go months without masturbating and years without sex, but sometimes I have obsessive compulsive episodes.It's been like this since puberty. Would going on antidepressants help? Sorry for being gross.

No. 263095

File: 1652289897605.jpg (90.24 KB, 700x800, NC-Wyeth-800.jpg)

How tf do you trust people again after you've been deceived and abandoned multiple times?

Immediately after meeting anyone new I get this expectation that they have malicious intentions and want me fail and this makes it very difficult for me to open up. The only people I learned to trust was my therapists (been in therapy multiple times) but with anyone else I just cannot.

No. 263102

>>263095
Taking it slow. True trust and intimacy is formed over time. Get to know people and have them get to know you. Then as things come up and life happens there will be moments that them or you have the chance to be vulnerable. When that happens it may be uncomfortable but if you can that’s the time to gently reach out and test the waters. See how they do and if you continue to trust them. If it doesn’t work out. It’s not your fault. Not everyone fits and it can be hard to find your group of people.

No. 263104

>>263095
Hi nonnie, just saying I relate a lot, I'm very suspicious of people. A good thing to do is to do good things for others and give them reason to trust you, and open up gradually. Maybe try to find humour in the paranoia. It's not easy, but it will be worth it because paranoia can stop you enjoying life to the fullest.

No. 263557

I have a cousin who is significantly younger than me and she means the world to me she’s almost like the niece I never had. I hadn’t seen her for a year because I moved but I’m visiting family and I’m super worried about her. She’s only 13 and I’m almost certain she’s fallen victim to ED twitter. She’s much skinnier than when I last saw her and at first I was willing to write it off as her just getting taller. When we were having dinner she insisted she wasn’t hungry and only wanted to eat rice cakes which was a huge red flag as someone who used to be an anachan. I also caught a glimpse of her scrolling through her phone and it looked like she was scrolling through a twitter thinspo thread (kpop profile pics and all).
What can I do to bring this to her moms attention? I feel weird because I’m not very close to her mom but I’m worried…

No. 263579

Has anyone ever hit a point of extreme burnout where you lose all your feelings? And is it possible to recover from it?

Basically I went through about 5 years of constant daily physical and emotional stress, in a better situation now but I feel like I'm broken. I'm emotionally numb but also weirdly physically numb. I don't know how to explain it. When I'm thirsty or hungry or tired I don't feel physical sensations of thirst or hunger or fatigue. When my body needs something I'll just get randomly hit with this wave of intense rage, and then I need to figure out if I'm hungry or what. I think even my pain tolerance got fucked up, if it's under a 5 on the pain scale I don't even register it as pain. Sometimes I get cooking burns and I don't realize how bad they are until the next day.

No. 263706

>>263579
I'm sorry you're dealing with this anon. An ex of mine was kind of like this for a while. Living on autopilot after a bunch of traumatic events. If I had to guess you've unconsciously turned off as many sensations as possible as a protection mechanism. Is there any way you can try to make them fun again? Have a bubble bath, get a massage (if that wouldn't be stressful having someone else touch you), do some yoga. Do you cook for yourself? Try to make it enjoyable and focus on the entire process, the anticipation of the food and how it will taste, instead of just devouring it as a necessity and nothing more. It's about trying to be in the moment more and finding things that are nice instead of dissociating and always trying to keep some mental distance from the things happening around/to you, which it seems like isn't necessary anymore.

No. 263714

>>263557
"Hey [Auntie], I'm a little concerned about [Cousin]. I noticed she didn't eat at dinner and is looking a little thin/is losing weight. Is she doing alright?"
Good luck anon, I hope your cousin is ok!

No. 263774

>>263579
Can you afford a short vacation to a country you've never been to? Traveling alone and doing voluntary work really helped my mental state after a burnout from my old job.

No. 263789

I've been scared to ask this question for a long time, especially on here, but I've asked my mum this concern but I didn't get much of an answer. Every time I make female friends I feel like they become energy vampires or hurt me in the end? I've had girlfriends since I was a kid but they always turn on me in the end, my first best friend didn't even bother to care that I immigrated (which was scary for me), my second friend hated that I was a vegetarian and wouldn't help me pick out menus and my third best friend raped me by fingering me when we were 12. I made some girlfriends at uni but the first one ended up being a libfem (im christian) so she was really mean to me about me not agreeing with open relationships, but my second friend was too open and always forced me to talk about her broken relationships with men and she loved skating (which I used to) so she used that as an excuse to take me to skate parks and 'watch guys' (which I didn't want to do, I told her but she didn't seem to care).
I found a friend I thought I would like who was into D & D and knitting but she ended up also being really mean to me and controlling the way I spoke.
My mum so far has been the only girlfriend I've had who is nice to me, so I don't understand why I can never find nice girlfriends? I was even in a group of girls during uni and they all discussed diets, sex, drugs and mundane social stuff that I really didn't care about.
I've cried about it a lot and I've always said that it's my fault and that maybe I'm too high maintenance. But when I try to find girls with my interests they still seem to either hurt me, control the way I talk or emotionally dump on me.
I was in a group online for Six Siege which was full of guys and they were super nice. I actually met them in person in a game convention since they were in my same city and I remember crying that night because I was so upset that they were so nice to me and I've never had girls be this nice to me before.
These dudes didn't judge me on my life, the way I spoke or my morals. But when I brought it up to my female friends they all called me a pickme and a handmaiden (which I had to google). So I am not sure what I'm doing wrong? Am I just just looking in the wrong direction? Why have I had really shitty friends my whole life? I'm 25 now and I cannot say that I've ever had nice female friends who haven't turned on me, sexualised me or forced my speech to be a different way. I have had nice male friendships and I actually met my current long term bf from this friendship, but I only find my mum my closest friend.
I can't relate to 'female friendship' memes and sometimes they actually trigger me. What do I do anons?

No. 263793

>>263789
What's really the problem? You don't seem to mesh well with women, or you somehow attract the weird ones. Too bad, but just make a resolve to not allow bad people in your life just to have female friends. If your friendships with men are fullfilling then just continue to nurture those, and if you do somehow find a good female friend by chance, cool but if you don't, who cares? As long as you do have good friends, the sex shouldn't matter. Happy you have a good relationship with your mom, so you do have someone with afemale perspective, if you might need it.
I've never had a male friend or even a single meaningful conversation with a man, and I'm fine with things being this way despite being told that male friends are cool and helpful, I'm sure they are, but what works for me, works for me and what works for you, works for you nonna. Don't feel pressured to make your life acceptable to others.

No. 263795

>>263793
Thank you anon. I was really scared typing this question and I am still scared waiting for the responses due to my previous experiences. But you I like your response, I really shouldn't care who I am friends with as long as I enjoy the friendship. I was actually part of a gem club for many years and had a lot of friends who were 70+. I guess it doesn't matter, but I think deep down I wish I meshed with women my age but I just struggle to find some. I have tried joining myself in online friendship groups only to get the same kind of response back (emotional dumping/controlling the way I speak/bullying me). So I think I will just stick to my mum, my bf, (my cat lol) and the few other friends I have in my gaming circle online. Thanks for the encouragement.

No. 263796

>>263795
>deep down I wish I meshed with women my age
I get you nonna, like, seeing posts about female friendships or even just coming across women you think are cool, but then realizing you both aren't compatible with each other in some way, that they are having a negative effect on your life rather than positive, and this doesn't mean that you still can't want a friendship with a woman. But in your case, it's just not been a good experience. I don't think you should rule out the possibility as a whole, but you shouldn't force yourself to be comfortable with things you aren't okay with, just to like, tick it off your checklist. I hope I'm making sense, kek. Good luck, and your current circle sounds lovely haha

No. 263798

>>263795
Men are nice to you because they want to fuck you. Women "emotionally dump" on you because friendships are about supporting eachother through life and the struggles that come with it. Venting and talking about your feelings in a friendship is normal. Maybe you'd mesh better with other female autists?

No. 263800

>>263796
I totally don't try to rule out the female experience at all, I constantly try to make female friends but I seem to get the same vibe from them all, it's a bit too pushy for me and I don't enjoy the intensity at all, it makes me sad when I come home. I think you are totally making sense, thank you anon. I do enjoy my current circle, I just wish I had more modern female friends.

>>263798
I would agree with you but I've been friends with my current circle for about 8+ years and they all have girlfriends/are married. I haven't experienced flirting with them before, just conversations about our hobbies or the game we're playing.
>friendships are about supporting eachother through life and the struggles that come with it. Venting and talking about your feelings in a friendship is normal. Maybe you'd mesh better with other female autists?
You are right and I definitely want that, but I don't enjoy the intensity that women bring upon me especially my most recent female friends who vented really hard about their sex lives, the way I talked or ultimately bullied me. I was unsupported during my immigration and I tried to support my friend when I was younger when she came out with lesbian mothers but she ended up raping me. I did see a therapist about this and I do forgive her, but I don't enjoy the intensity at which women talk to me. At the utmost I enjoyed the friendships I've had with women aged 70+ because their problems were wildly more contained than what I've had to experience, and I have supported my male friends but its mainly about work or losing someone in the family etc. I just wish sometimes that I could have a friend my age but they seem too intense to me. I actually went out to a bar with my bf tonight to watch footy and I tried to spark up a conversation with girls on the balcony but they just kept discussing sex, bad relationships and all the negatives in their lives. And I always find this with women, they seem to discuss so much negativity with me that it makes me cry when I go home. I've tried making friends with a female 'autist' who played d&d but she was really controlling of the way I spoke and acted a bit reddit tier? Idk. Maybe I am just unlucky or looking in the wrong places. But at 25 I thought I would have more friends.

No. 263821

>>263798
>Women "emotionally dump" on you because friendships are about supporting eachother through life and the struggles that come with it.
The most toxic advice I've ever heard. No one should be subjected to emotional dumping, it's not cool and it's not something 'females do for eachother' its fucking cruel and puts people in uncomfortable positions.

>>263800
Anon you seem nice so just stick to what you have now and try to let bad people into your life. Whether they are men or women, you seem to know what you want which is important, so don't spread yourself too thin just because you want friends 'your own age'. Even if your mum is your closest friend, that's totally okay, don't let others tell you otherwise.

No. 263837

>>263821
**try not to

No. 263840

>>263821
I sincerely doubt every woman anon came across in her life was a toxic emotional vampire. It's more likely she has the emotional intelligence of a potato and doesn't want to engage in a deep friendship that is based on feelings, understanding and empathy rather than common interests. She's perplexed people in a club were talking about their relationships as if that's a weird thing to do kek

No. 263841

File: 1652548408121.jpg (52.83 KB, 1000x667, ccdab1e3-b6cf-4a19-b97b-d7f4cf…)

Let's say you're 28 but you're still on the emotional level of a teenager due to mental health issues and avoiding all the experiences that people usually have due to anxiety. How do you grow up? Do you just go out and start partying, dropping acid and recklessly having sex to make up for tthe lack of those experiences? Would that make you grow up?

No. 263842

>>263840
Can you not? Whatever sort of friendships she wants, she decides. If she can't take intense things, then she shouldn't have to.

No. 263843

>>263840
Im op and I knew a reply like this would come up. I would say that maybe they were potatoes, but they all seemed like intelligent women to me at the time and I had years long friendships with them, even the girl who raped me I still continued to be friends with her. They all engaged in "friendship" but it just came off as aggressive (like the way you are now to me) and just way too forward about their lives. I don't want to talk about sex and relationships and I've told my friends this before and they don't seem to care. All the way from age 8-25 I seem to have the same intense conversations. I understand that people in clubs are stupid and drunk or what have you so I guess my example was redundant. But i've tried being friends with autist girls too and after a long while they just seem to bully me or control the way I speak and always say things like 'you're wrong' which I find really demeaning. I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong and I am always being an open listener but somehow I get caught in very intense conversations with women that I don't really ask for that leave me overwhelmed.

No. 263844

>>263841
>Do you just go out and start partying, dropping acid and recklessly having sex to make up for the lack of those experiences?
These experiences aren't obligatory for any young person. No one around me has done any of these things and really, they aren't missing out.

No. 263845

>>263841
>dropping acid

Strongly recommend not messing with psychedelic drugs or drugs in general if you're in a rough spot in life because that's a quick and easy way to make everything worse.

No. 263846

>>263842
I agree, hobby-based friendships are fine but if she was content she wouldn't be here asking for advice. You can't develop deep connections without putting in the work. My point is, nonna can't have her cake and eat it too.

No. 263847

>>263821
I prefer to be friends with other lesbians, febfems or some especially based straight women, because they don't have as many men in their lives. I'm pretty sure most drama which causes women to emotionally dump, can be traced back to scrotes. I also gravitate towards other spergs, wich helps. I don't like hanging out with scrotes because they're drama, they always end up revealing they are in love with you or want to fuck you (supposed gay guy even came out as bi, yikes), they're boring, paralyzed by toxic masculinity and have a shite sense of humor. I do well with women I meet at boardgame cafés, anime and videogame conventions.
>>263789
You're not going to find many women you can get along with though if you're a conservative Christian with antifeminist values, because then yeah most women aren't going to like that, but men will LOVE that. Men don't care because your morals don't affect them and they probably agree or think it's hot anyway. Meanwhile women are affected by patriarchal values.

No. 263849

>>263846
I put in years of work into these friendships only to be unfortunately let down each time. This is why I ask for advice, because I don't understand why friendships with women I've had have been so intense to the point of controlling/bullying me or emotionally dumping on me. I really don't appreciate it or find it comforting at all.

No. 263850

>>263843
Those are unfortunately normal and common things to talk about. Because they are generally important parts of someone's life. Just like DnD or whatever is to you. Also, people disagreeing with you is not bullying kek.

No. 263851

>>263849
Can you give specific examples of emotional dumping, intense conversations etc?

No. 263852

>>263847
If you read my other posts, I have been friends with this group for 8+ years and they all have girlfriends or are married. I've not experienced flirting or any kind of 'come on' at all. I may be christian but I was also a metal head and a skater for years, so don't think I just sat around in church praying all day. I love my religion and I love my hobbies, I am an avid bowler and I love playing bass currently. I try to find women with similar interests but I always find them to be too intense.

No. 263855

>>263789
My male friends were always super nice, because they wanted to fuck or date me.
On the other hand, my female friends were honest and actually helped me through my hard times, unlike the male friends who left whenever they realized I wouldn't date them.

The men in question only like you because you're easy and stupid, the same reason women dislike you. You're appealing to males and so they'll use you as an example to say
>look, women are sexist too! Women hate women too!
>women's friendships are bad!
>women compete with each other!
But they'll end up dating and marrying the same women they allegedly hate while you'll never be more than a conversation topic to them.

No. 263856

>>263852
>I may be christian but I was also a metal head and a skater for years
kek
I think other nonnas are being too harsh on you. Just do as this >>263821 says. I don't think you should force yourself to keep looking, it will come if it was for you nonna, anything can happen. You currently have a social circle, so it isn't like you are friendless, just keep your connections with them strong, as you have for so many years. Also try the friendship finder and see if you have any luck there, but don't feel bad if things don't work out.

No. 263857

>>263851
I've talked through these issues with my therapist a lot so I guess I can answer them here if I am anonymous.
I had a friend who was too open with me about all the crushes she had as a child and I asked her not to talk about it because I honestly didn't care for boys at the time and she called me a 'bitch' for not listening to her and told my dad in his face that im a 'bad person'.
My other best friend was I guess what you would call 'lib fem' and she wouldn't accept that I didn't want to discuss open relationships with her and porn, and when I became vegetarian for my religion she said I was 'stupid' and when I asked her to send me the menus before we went to a restaurant so I can see what I can eat she said I was 'retarded' and should 'shut up and get over myself'
I had another best friend in high school and she came out with lesbian mothers and she always used to ask me to compare boob sizes and then one day when we were home alone and cooking she said we should look at our vaginas in the mirror and she ended up fingering me and saying 'its what my mum and anna do' and I felt really scared and asked my mum to pick me up afterwards.
Lately, I got a nice job with an arts company and my friend from uni found out that I was into skating so she always took me to the local skate park afterwards and make me discuss her broken relationship while watching younger guys skate and rate them.
I tried to make friends with an autist d&d girl but once she mentioned open relationships and I said that its not cool and its not loyal and she said that im a bad person and I don't deserve to have a boyfriend because I dont understand relationships.
I tried to make friends with a girl online through my gaming group and she just sent me floods of information about her mental health and her relationship and I really just didn't ask for it and it made me feel really upset and I honestly didn't know what to do.
So I don't know what to do but I seem to have really intense conversations with girls my age and it's just a bit too much for me. I don't even go to church, I just livestream watch it on youtube and pray every day but even the girls at church discuss their lives and its just way too much for me and I don't enjoy the intensity of it. Maybe I just have high standards but I don't even know what standards I put on people, I just don't enjoy what's happening.

No. 263858

File: 1652549665957.jpg (139.52 KB, 1087x805, you_sure.jpg)


No. 263859

>>263852
>christian and metalhead
>bashes lesbians and sexual women
Ultimate pickme.

No. 263860

>>263855
I appreciate your advice and thank you for taking the time to think about my issue. I believe my mum has been the nicest person to me through my whole life, I usually cry along but she tends to listen to my problems over tea or lunch and I do appreciate her advice. I don't actually go to my gamer friends for advice at all because in my mind, I don't actually want advice in the first place I just want to enjoy my time here.
I think your response to me is coming from a place of not knowing who I am so I understand if I come off naive or something of that same calibre.

No. 263861

>>263858
This is the reason I never befriend ugly men.

No. 263862

>>263860
Are you autistic?

No. 263863

>>263859
I didn't bash lesbians at all, I just said I had a friend who had lesbian mothers and I had a friend who was hyper sexual, I never once said that they were 'bad people' just that it was too intense for me.

No. 263864

>>263862
No, I sat an autism test and I didn't come up autistic at all. I was surprised because I thought I would but no, my psychiatrist just said I have anxiety due to my past but this was many years ago.

No. 263865

>>263860
*cry alone
I meant to say, not along lol

No. 263866

>>263863
Maybe the Christian pickme "please listen to my morals, but don't ever criticize me for it", is a bit too intense for them and that's why they're coming across as aggressive?

No. 263867

>>263857
>normal preteen girl wants to discuss her normal preteen crushes
>expects her friend to at care since they're friends
>anon thinks it's emotional dumping and too intense
The libfem was a bitch though, if it actually went down like that.

>she tends to listen to my problems over tea or lunch and I do appreciate her advice

So put yourself in the shoes of another person, you can clearly appreciate someone being there for you and listening to your bs, but when they ask the same in return it's too much?

No. 263868

>>263866
I'm not even a strong christian though, I don't go to church and I have NEVER imposed my religion on my friends. I once disagreed with a friend because she said she wanted an open relationship with her boyfriend and I said that was 'not loyal' and she called me a 'retard' for saying it. I don't ever impose my religion on anyone and I am very open to befriending anyone of any religion.

No. 263869

>>263863
>judges and blocks anyone who isn't virgin mary, but has no standards for males she hangs out with
>isn't an ideal Christian figure herself
Kek. Spending all of your time with random men, skating and listening to immoral music… You sound more intense than a random woman with lesbian mothers and a girl who slept before marriage.

No. 263870

>>263867
I don't put my 'bs' on anyone because like I said in my previous post I don't actually ask for any advice in the first place I just ask my mum about my friends and why I have to face the problems I do with them.

No. 263871

>>263867
She's a narc, it won't work.

No. 263872

>>263869
If you read my previous posts, this girl raped me. I was also raped by a 'fem' man in uni but I didn't mention that in my original post. Anyway i'm not sure what you're trying to say.

No. 263873

>>263870
Do you listen to your mother's problems? Why don't you judge men like you do to women? Don't your male friends fuck around or do stuff like you judged your female friends for?

No. 263874

>>263873
If you read my other post I said that I have been friends with them for over 8+ years and all i've heard from them is just problems that are work related or losing someone in the family. We don't really talk about intense things like love, sex etc.

No. 263875

Thanks for all your responses, this is getting a little too much for me so I thank you all for taking the time to respond to me whether it was with advice, criticism or observation. You are all kind enough to take time out of your day to speak to me. I don't think I will check this thread anymore because it's making me too overwhelmed so once again I thank you all nonetheless.

No. 263876

>>263874
So you never listen to your mother? And your male friend's issues are somehow valid but women's aren't?.. Isn't losing someone more intense than sex or crushes, though?

No. 263877

>>263868
That you don't even go to church makes it just worse that you're so obsessed with your morals and enjoy judging others. If's fine if you break rules left and right, but when your nonreligious friends don't follow your morals, you get to judge?
>>263875
Yeah seems typical. You like to dish it out, but you can't take any criticism yourself.

No. 263878

>>263875
You should get tested for autism.

No. 263879

>>263878
>>263877
You're all cunts, she already responded and said she did get tested for autism. Fucking pipe down and get off your high horses.(samefagging)

No. 263880

>>263877
She probably does everything and anything sinful with her boyfriend but bashes other women for doing so, kek.
She's just a basic pickme and didn't like it when she didn't get coddled for shitting on women while putting random men on pedestal. Imagine caring about random men's issues more than your mother's. She unironically is more of a whore than the hypersexual friend.

No. 263882

>>263879
Stop samefagging.

No. 263883

>>263882
I wasn't even the same anon but keep stroking your own ass(samefagging)

No. 263884

>>263880
>shitting on women
this bitch literally came for advice on how to be friends with women and all you mfers just shat on her and proved how cruel you are. get real.(samefagging)

No. 263885

>>263876
They're men so they probably just mentioned it once and that's that so anon didn't have to do any comforting or support them in any meaningful way. She wants deep connections but also doesn't actually want to talk to people about anything deep. Her poor mother has to hear all about it too. The fucking irony

No. 263886

>>263883
>keep stroking your own ass
What does this mean?

No. 263887

>>263880
calm down idiot

No. 263888

>>263879
She should get a second opinion then, I refuse to believe anyone is this dense without having some kind of underlying mental issue.

No. 263889

>>263884
Exactly. Just reinforced what she already believed.

No. 263890

>>263884
>proved how cruel you are
No. See the thing is, she literally said her friends were traumadumping just for talking about their issues but when the male friends do it, it's miraculously not trauma dumping at all and she actually cares. She also brought up weird stuff about how the friends aren't moral but she's not a saint either.

No. 263891

>>263884
What advice can you give to a person who wants deep female friendships but also doesn't want her friends to talk to her about their lives and things that interest them?

No. 263895

>>263884
>how to be friends with women
>doesn't want to talk about what is going on in other women's lives, only how superior her own morals are
>even girls at church are too immoral and talk too much about their own lives according to her.
>even her own mother doesn't dare to talk about anything with her besides superficial stuff
>only wants to be friends with men and doesn't mind their retardation
>wonders why she's being called a pickme and handmaiden

No. 263896

>>263893
You're right, it could be bait because I don't think someone with such severe trauma would want anything to do with lesbians. Maybe that anon was a transbian who's upset that lesbians rejected it?

No. 263897

I don't wanna read through this whole infight but I wonder if this is the same anon from the vent thread a few months back, who posted about how she got raped by a woman (which is obviously horrible, not doubting that) and now she hates all lesbians and bisexuals BUT that she expects support from them? It read as bait-y to me because she then proceeded to go to the lesbian thread (and maybe even the bi thread) to fight with them. anyway, sorry for the tonfoil. It just seemed familiar.
>>263896
Sorry anon, reposted!

No. 263899

>>263896
It sounded like a scrote from the beginning.

No. 263900

>>263899
Yeah. Would explain why it thinks men's issues are more serious and random men matter more than your mother.

No. 263901

>>263899
Come on, it's obviously some woman. I'm just surprised she isn't autistic, but it's not too out there to imagine she's female.

No. 263902

>>263901
It's either a weird misogynistic autistic woman or a man. Why else would it care more about random men's issues and listen to them better than it does to its mother?

No. 263903

>>263902
Could also just be a regular Shoe0nHead type

No. 263904

>>263902
You're wild. Calling her it over this stupid shit. She came in asking for advice over the fact that her female friends have been bad, got advised to not feel an obligation to make female friends for the sake it and then some anons got super defensive and rude to her, probably made her opinion even more solidified that women are too intense or whatever. Like, I don't necessarily get her but just let her have her surface-level friends, I don't see the reason for this rage.

No. 263912

>>263904
Didn't you already get banned gor samefagging at >>263884 and >>263879 and >>263883
Why do you keep coming here, samefagging and acting like you totally didn't dunk on every woman in your life, even the ones here who tried to give you advices?

No. 263915

>>263912
Holy shit, kekkk that wasn't me. Wow. I take back what I said. Is that her?

No. 263916

>>263879
>>263883
>>263884
>(samefagging)
LOL

No. 264028

>>263915
Yeah sorry anon, I thought you were the same poster because every other post defending here ended up being her.

No. 264030

>>264028
sage your crap

No. 264048

>>263789
I think friendship with girls is just not for you. If you don't like the intensity, bonding based on shared experiences, keeping each other afloat and sharing the things you love, then that's fine and you shouldn't force yourself to engage in those situations. Friendship between guys is definitely more detached and "cold". Btw, this will sound mean so if you are not in the right headspace just ignore it, but the chances that EVERY girl your age was a huge shithead to you are so low (especially considering female socialization), that I doubt this post is real or if that's how things actually went down.

No. 264049

>>263904
I'm not the one bullying her, but she came to women's site to shit on women, tell unbelievable stories about how every girl her age acts like some sort of sociopath, etc. and still more anons gave her nice advice and acted supportive…

No. 264050

How do you go about learning new skills? Is it better to pay for classes or learn things online?

No. 264053

How to meet new people? I had the same group of friends for 10+ years (small town), and I'm still close to them, we love each other, blah blah, but I want to meet new people! Thing is, I don't go to parties, and when I socialize with my friends we go to zoo, parks, restaurants, cinema, second hand shops, we watch movies, play games, all activities that don't involve meeting other people. I've tried to meet women through games (like FFXIV) and they were fun but I'm not interested in online friendship.

No. 264056

>>264050
I think that depends on what kind of learner you are. Visual, audio, kinesthetic, etc. You can find personality tests for that online and other articles to help you figure out which you are. They usually have suggestions on the best ways to learn for each type.
Going to classes gives you the chance to socialise and holds you more accountable to actually attend and learn. If you're self disciplined (or learning the skill is not crucial) then you should be fine learning by yourself at home.
In classes you're also at the mercy of the teacher's pace, which for me has always been super boring because I learn fast and want to speed up. If you can find a course that suits your knowledge level, you might not have this issue.
Also keep in mind any materials you need for your new venture. For example painting classes might provide the art supplies (read the fine print), but if you are self-taught those supplies will be self-bought.
>>264030
You don't have to sage in /g/ /ot/ or /m/. Weirdly hostile for a newfag.

No. 264060

best way to make money fast other than stocks? I have a job that I like but it doesn't pay well and I really want a bit more money to my name this year

No. 264070

>>264030
Stop ban evading. You're so obvious.

No. 264334

How do I fix this deeply held belief
>I am useless so people will only keep me around if they feel sorry for me
When I'm independent I am quite capable. But in any relationship, work environment, friend group I end up the one who's always struggling and pitied.
I want to be wanted and valued for contributions I bring. But somehow everyone wants things I can't give them. Or they want too much and I feel so drained. So I end up the overwhelmed messy one.
I sabotage myself. I create drama out of thin air to make myself overwhelmed. Because if I let myself be calm, everyone just wants more and more. I'm so tired of molding myself into infinite caricatures of a desirable person,only to fail and fall back on the hope that if I'm visibly pathetic enough I won't get dumped or fired.

No. 264358

>>264050
I've learned a lot of skills online on youtube/various sites and also by taking work certificate courses at a community college. It's hard to decide which one is better because I feel both have equal pros and cons to me and the combination of the two really fleshed out my skillset. For online, if I'm trying to learn a new software for example, I like to start by taking an intro course so it's less intimidating and then search for beginner friendly tutorial projects. I will follow the tutorial exactly as described and sometimes take written notes. Then, I will try to apply things from the tutorial to a personal project so the new knowledge can be better cemented in my head. It helps to establish a routine for online learning too even if it's just 1 hour per week, it's still something

No. 264433

>>264334
This kind of sounds like a problem with the people you're spending time with rather than you. Good people will be able to appreciate your company for what it is rather than needing you to do things for them all the time. Establish boundaries regarding what you are or aren't willing to take on for people and err on the side of saying no more than yes, espcially if these people haven't done anything considerate for you in the first place.

No. 264620

File: 1652813487104.jpg (162.74 KB, 533x470, Gattooo.jpg)

I've been accepted into a good university, on a course I love in a country I'd love to study in but I don't know if I should accept it and go. It's a 4 year course and it would mean I wouldn't be able to see my family more than once a year if that. I studied in my home country for a while but my lecturers were awful and I didn't adapt well. I visited this country and fell in love. I've been offered a scholarship, but another reason I am hesitant is due to money. I am able to pay and my mother has offered to help but I don't want to burden her. My mother isn't overtly affectionate and we have had our differences, but I do love her dearly. I felt sad when I was living at home with her but it is by no means a chaotic household.

I feel like if I accept, I might end up homesick or become a financial burden but on the other hand I feel like if I don't go, I'll be missing out on a great experience. The course I have been accepted into is also one where it's best to study in said country as they pioneer in that field.

No. 264621

>>264620
Do it anon. You’ll regret not going much more than going, and if you do well enough you might be able to pay your mom back someday.

No. 264623

>>264620
Do it! It's better to do it now and see if you can handle the homesickness, rather than you referring not doing the program at home.

No. 264630

>>264620
You only stand to gain from going and only stand to lose from not going. Do yourself a favour and go, sometimes you need to be a bit uncomfortable to ultimately get better for yourself. It sounds like you got into something really good.

No. 264730

I literally cannot stop self sabotaging and no consequences are getting it through my head.
I got written up at work today after like 50 verbal warnings and I still just …can’t bring myself to do what I need to do.

Like my apathy is so great that I’m gonna end up homeless. What the fuck is wrong with me???

No. 264734

>>264730
Depression?

No. 264735

I get really scared and depressed when I start to feel happy because it doesn’t feel sustainable. I’m not expecting to ride extreme highs the rest of my life but whenever I start to feel genuine joy I become terrified it’s going to spiral into terrible abuse again.

No. 264747

>>264730
Are you interested in your job? Could it be that this is the reason you're sabotaging yourself, because you're not interested in it?

No. 264762

WARNING long rambling pathetic sperg out.

I feel like I am too broken to fix. I don't know who to go to, or what to do. I need an adult to help me - but I am an adult.
I have severe social problems. I never - not even as a toddler - was able to be a child. I was severely punished for any childlike behavior. I had to act like an adult. But a child can only do that superficially - they can only act like an adult and can't really be one on the inside. But that's the best I could do then. I acted like an adult, and acted, and acted, and acted. I'm still acting. I feel like I'm waiting to be allowed to drop the act.
So I have had all my life skills since I was extremely young. And I am still on top of these things today. I can follow a routine very easily, and I do. So on the outside I appear to have few problems.
But I completely failed to develop. I kept a diary at age 8 and I very literally have not emotionally, socially, or sexually progressed since that diary. I basically never learned to socialize. I never developed normal sexual or romantic interests. I haven't been able to relate to my peers since middle school because they all grew up and I didn't. I need someone I can go to for comfort, but I don't know how to make someone love me, and I need to be loved to be comforted.
Today at work I left for 5 minutes to lock myself in the bathroom and just fell to the floor and curled up and started crying for mom. I just kept thinking "I want mom, I want mom." I just want someone who loves me to come help me, but - objectively - nobody loves me. Nobody is coming to help unless I pay them a hundred bucks for an hour. I basically pay my therapist to pretend she loves me once a week. One hour a week, out my paycheck, I get "mom."
I already have a job, am in school, live on my own, exercise regularly, and am at a healthy BMI, so the immediate suggestions (get a job, move out, take care of yourself, etc) are already taken care of.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

No. 264765

>>264747
I’m not at all but I’m sabotaging myself to a dangerous point and I can’t figure out why.

No. 264778

>>264762
I nearly cried reading this. Your loneliness comes through in every word and I just feel so, so sorry that you've been struggling through life all alone. There was a book recommended earlier in this thread or the last one maybe, The Emotionally Absent Mother. It's about what happens to us when we're not properly parented and what we can do to help the child that's still inside us. Reading it changed my life. I think it might help you with that feeling of wanting to "drop the act" of adulthood, or at least put into perspective what you're going through. We also have a thread on here about mother wounds. Maybe venting and sharing your experiences there could give you a sense of community.

No. 264783

my grandma thought it was okay to tell me what sex, rape, pedophilia, masturbation, etc. was when i was like 5 years old.

she told me, because she thought i was smart enough. i kept trying to convince her to teach me what they mean because i wanted to be smarter and grown up and my parents wouldn't tell me. all it took was one conversation. i am just finding out that this actually harmed me and can be considered child abuse.

there were other instances of child neglect from her such as letting me get severe sunburns, and forgetting to feed me properly.

i feel responsible and ashamed that this traumatized me. i got false memories and night terrors for years after, severe anxiety and self harming and hypersexual behaviours. i know i was only 5 years old but i still cringe and feel embarrassed. why? i don't know what to do, i don't want to talk to my grandma, but what if she is just stupid and really did not mean any harm? what if she dies soon and i regret not talking to her? i don't know, when i talk to her she only whines and cries, and it wears me down.

No. 264810

Anons, bully me. I want to do nothing. Not a job, not university. The whole NEET lux life. I don't clean my room, even though I know I enjoy it. Can't imagine myself successful in life at this point, though I'm only 19. I have no energy and no motivation to do anything. I fuck up regularly. I really want to get up off my ass, but even simple tasks overwhelm me. I'm not depressed.
What do you normally do in this situation?

No. 264812

>>264810
How do you know you're not depressed?
>I have no energy and no motivation to do anything.
This isn't normal/healthy.

No. 264814

>>264783
I mean, it wasn't a great idea of her to express those things in the way she did, but I don't think this is abuse. I can imagine it was traumatic, but trauma is not equal to abuse. Trauma is caused by all sorts of situations and experiences.

No. 264815

>>264810
Hey, I'm also 19 and struggling to get past that mindset. I'm also a NEET because I dropped out of my career and still haven't got a job.
First of all, I wouldn't be so sure you're not depressed, like the anon above said, maybe you could talk to a therapist.
Second of all, I'd try to stay away from social media and "dopamine rushes", you'll feel bored and borderline dead but it's necessary. Maybe you are depressed or maybe you are like me, and your brain is just fucked up from easy and extremely enjoyable distractions. This thing is also known as "dopamine detox". In the mean time, I'd recommend spending time outdoors. If you have a park near you, maybe you can go for a walk, or if it's too much, you can just sit there and enjoy the weather. Being in nature grounds you and will probably lift your mood.
When you're feeling better, start with the simple tasks (showering, cleaning your room, opening the windows, cooking something). Repeat as necessary and progress.
As for motivation, you don't deserve to be bullied, but imagine how satisfactory it is to be autonomous, to learn something and then execute it correctly, to do your own thing. Doing shit for yourself gives you freedom and self-esteem. We, as humans, were made to do things, not simply consume and lay down. I believe in you nonnie, keep realistic expectations and open up to the world. It's less difficult and harsh than what we imagine

No. 264818

How the fuck do I accept another person's opinion that's different from my own?

I get so irritated when someone has an opinion that I find stupid. Like when my mother is telling me that doing the downward dog yoga pose helps with 'mental problems' or that I should try eating hot foods because I'm a Vata type and that will improve my 'mental strength' or whatever. Like it legit makes me angry when someone believes in pseudoscience or says something about a topic that they don't know anything about

No. 264833

>>264778
Thanks for the book recommendation. I appreciate your advice a lot. I'll look into the book.
I've been recommended two books in the past (when I made a post about this on a different site): Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and the Pete Walker book about CPTSD. I didn't find the first one helpful because it seemed to take for granted that you were able to form social and romantic relationships, and I also don't think my parents were immature. The second one was somewhat helpful.
I'll look into the thread about mother wounds as well. Thanks.

No. 264844

>>264818
>How the fuck do I accept another person's opinion that's different from my own?
This is a basic, broad concept. My general advice would be to try to put yourself in the other person's place and understand their reasoning. Acceptance is acknowledging the fact while holding your own opinion still. I would tell myself I cannot directly control other people's beliefs, only influence, and that is limited. Humans are social animals and are influenced by broader society, social network, and emotions.
>it legit makes me angry when someone believes in pseudoscience or says something about a topic that they don't know anything about
Religious and spiritual advice and beliefs are often irritating to hear as a nonbeliever, remember they mean well and are operating in the frameworks they know. Remind yourself getting annoyed is understandable, but you can acknowledge it is frustrating while remaining detached.

No. 264864

>>264818
As someone who used to struggle with anger issues in general and fly into stupid rages and break shit over miniscule nothings, just try to gradually control your thoughts. It sucks to hear but it's the only way. You'll eventually get to the point where you can dismiss your frustration and move on quickly.
Finding everything farcical and hilarious helped me. Isn't it kind of goofy when people believe in nonsense? Flipping anger-inducing scenarios into funny ones helps transition to the dismissal stage. Don't take anything too seriously.

No. 264946

>>263579
Hi nonnie, this is late but I really relate to your post. I was in extreme mental burnout the last couple years as I literally hadn't caught a break since I hit puberty. Lots of trauma, abusive relationships, etc. I've been seeing a therapist in the last year and a half and she's really helped me work through a lot of those processes.
One thing we spoke about is allowing yourself to just……exist. You've been in survival mode so long your body and brain chemicals are whack. And you're going to hate me for this, but the one most important thing you need is time. Those sensations you've lost are only going to come back with time and taking care of yourself. It's ok to take it slow, and worrying/feeling frustrated with the way your body is working right now is only going to prolong your healing. Meditating, yoga, things of that nature are ways to get in touch with your body again. But ultimately you just need time to heal your body and mind. I'd recommend seeing a therapist if it's possible for you in order to work through some of the feelings that came up in that stressful period. Good luck, and I know you'll make it out ok!

No. 264997

how do i ignore or cut out from my life a family member that is purposefully using manipulative tactics to avoid responsibility?
my brother is using the negging techniques. i caught him read those toxic sites on reddit. i want to beat the shit out of him. he manipulates my mother, and even tried it on me. he is a leech at this house, never doing even the bare minimum of cleaning, restocking products, or other housekeeping at all. on top of this he is a selfish disgusting piece of shit, never thinking twice of eating other people's food that was their specific dietary need.
anything nice he does is a calculated bare minimum move to not get kicked out.
how do i not get a fucking brain aneurysm resisting the urge to kill him?

No. 265227

How to become more assertive? I don't think I am a passive person in general, but I have a bad habit of letting moids in my family talk and talk at me— literally for hours!— and waste the time I would rather spend by myself. I don't like to tell people they're boring because that's mean. Plus I only hang out with them out of pity because I know they have no one else to talk to. I have lost hours of my life to these interactions, and though I don't regret it because I do it out of love, even I have my limits. Im tired of feeling trapped in one-sided conversations. Basically how can I (nicely) tell my cousin that I don't want to watch him play video games for two hours straight first thing in the morning?

No. 265229

>>264818
Not sure but I literally dropped my therapist when she told me to “just do yoga” when I was at the height of a depressive episode

No. 265236

My ex bf has since become an agp, he has posted pics online with his bare ass on his parents' bedroom floor. Do I anonymously send the pic to them? I've come close to doing it a couple of times when I was drunk.

No. 265239

>>265236
I’d do it for the laughs but it may not be the best idea lol.

No. 265240

>>264997
You could try meeting them halfway at first while you slowly fade out of their lives. So for example you could say yes to the plans but set a limit, for example say you can only hang out for an hour or so. But I also don't think you should worry so much about being mean anon. It's ok to be selfish and say no to something you don't want to do.

No. 265252

>>265236
Do it. If he is comfortable posting them online he doesn't deserve it otherwise. Also fuck agps. It's different if they do it privately

No. 265350


No. 265440

>>265239
>>265252
>>265350
I did it nonnies.. the only contact info I could get was for his mum & not 100% certain so hopefully I haven't just sent a cursed image to some poor soul w the same name

No. 265445

This year I'll need to dress up quite formal for my internship and I'm really clueless. What should I wear? Should I style my hair and if so how? Which makeup products do women use on the daily?
I know this sounds clueless but my most women in my college don't really wear makeup or do anything with their hair or outfits so I don't know who to ask for advice.

No. 265454

File: 1653158139998.jpg (335.93 KB, 1074x767, Cat.jpg)

My boyfriend recently opened up to me about his ex girlfriend's home life. She very rarely comes up in conversation, but when she does, it boils down to us poking fun at her and how little respect she had for herself or her home. From what him and his friends describe, she was very selfish and self centered. She had manipulated, lied and used him. She left him for someone she had been interested in while they were dating. She had also filed for unemployment benefits in order to buy herself a car and had her mother take out a title loan so that she could go on a school trip. Just not a nice person.

We were talking about an exchange program at his school where one of the students went to stay with his ex. They hated it so much there, they ignored her and befriended a girl from a family who lived in a nicer home. Apparently she overheard the exchange students joking about how she (the student), "pulled the short straw" with his ex as her home was horrible and her parents couldn't afford to do much with them. He then told me about her step dad who was an abusive alcoholic. The house they lived in stunk of cat piss and smoke, it was messy and falling apart. He would shout at his wife, his step daughters and even her friends. He told me about how he would pace around the house with all the tvs on full blast while drinking beer. My boyfriend was studying with his gf at the time in her room, he turned down the volume and he stormed into her room, demanding she never touches the tv. My boyfriend explained it was him, when the step dad gets inches away from his face and screams at him hurling abuse. Even when he re-enacted the scene I was shocked. The wife had to pull her husband off of him and apologise.

He had mentioned before he stayed with her out of fear and pity. I didn't believe this because she was in all the dance and theatre clubs at his school and is currently studying drama at college. I assumed you would need to be confident and spoiled in order to live that life. I now feel I understand why he felt that way and feel pretty terrible for the horrible things we joked about and the nasty things I said. It seems that she was trying to escape her home life and create something better for herself. I made a horrible comment at one point about their family's financial situation a while ago and now I feel awful for her family. I feel i've realised I dislike her out of pure jealousy and I've overstepped many boundaries by poking fun at her. I would even get upset when my boyfriend didn't join in with the comments we would make. He doesn't like her, but he would only ever criticise her for her own actions; not those of her family or home life which I feel I did.

I've never met her, and I doubt I will in the future, but I do want to get over the spiteful attitude I've built up over this girl. I feel guilty for the way I've spoken of her. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get over this sense of jealousy but also superiority.

No. 265469

>>265445
Slacks in neutral colors, button down tops, hair pulled into bun or roller curls, comfortable mary janes, light makeup that focuses more on evening skin tone and accentuating eyelashes and neutral lips

No. 265472

>>265454
I was with a guy before who told me he thought his ex had bpd. That she was unstable and would get drunk and be all aggressive with him and scream and fight. That she was a bad person because of 'x y and z examples' He brought up her emotional instability more often than seemed normal to me but I just bit my tongue and listened without joining in because I don't know this woman. Then one day we're out for dinner somewhere and she comes up in conversation for the millionth time. He tells me she suffered the most horrific childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her own father who is locked up for it. He talks about a suicide attempt she made while they were dating. A very serious attempt. It's a miracle this woman is still alive. After that I shut him down every time he randomly started bringing her up again. I could not stomach the fact that he'd been badmouthing her to me all that time and how overly petty and harsh it seemed now with that added context. Later on I moved in with this guy and only then I started to get abusive treatment from him… it was pretty bad by the end but I'm determined not to talk too much shit about him to my next partner.

I wish I had listened to my gut telling me.. how your partner talks about his exes.. is how he'll treat you one day too. If someone can let go and be kind or not dwell too much that's a good thing. Just try to remember that rule, a man who thrashes all his exes and calls them names will only do the same to you too someday. Never play into a man doing that toxic shit, never encourage it or lead them. It only bites you in the ass.

No. 265474

>>265445
The other anon gave good advice about clothes, but don't start wearing makeup. It's expensive and bad for your skin.

No. 265478

>>265474
She said professional. Foundation is shitty, but if she doesn't use it then using skin products that brighten and even out everything would work. I would still use a tinted balm at minimum, and some kind of hypoallergenic mascara if she's concerned about it.

No. 265482

>>265472
Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry to hear that was how she was treated and I hope she is doing better now. I am also sorry to hear about your situation with him. Sending you both nothing but the best.

The most my boyfriend would ever really say about her was that she was untidy and he was very upset to hear she had filed for unemployment and used that money to buy a car while her mother worked 2 jobs. He would never mock her homelife, he would never mention anything of the like. The things he would joke about would be times when he was foolish enough to clean up after her or when she was rude to his family. He's very rational and calm.

I would join in with the jokes his friends would make about her. I would get a bit annoyed when they would make fun of her and he wouldn't join in. I wondered if he was in defense of her. It only now clicks with me how he feels. I really regret the things I thought and said of this girl now I know of her homelife.

My boyfriend was the kind one in this situation. I was the one that bad mouthed this girl who has virtually nothing to her name, who never met her father and lives in a horrible household. I want to apologise to him about the things I said about her. I want to get over my own sense of spite.

No. 265484

>>265454
A lot of these situations arise from a lack of empathy and understanding for how abuse can affect deeply affect someone. People who have had relatively stable lives without a lot of traumatic events will never know what it’s like and have a typically very rigid idea of that if they were in a similar position they would never act like that, which is simply not true. People who are continually being hurt will usually lash out in one of way or another. It’s why abuse is a cycle.

I commend you for having empathy for her after learning more about why the way she is. I also think it’s a good lesson I’m not judging out appearances too harshly. Your ex has a right to be upset for how she treated him, but punching down on the aspects that were caused by the abuse isn’t helpful. I would encourage you to shut down these conversations next time they happen.

Comparing yourself to your current partners ex isn’t healthy and typically boils down to a self esteem issue that has nothing to do with your boyfriend or his ex. I used to do this quite often and I spent a lot of time analyzing the relationship and pitting myself against a stranger while not even enjoying the person I was with fully. Trying to convince him and myself that I was ”better” than some ex really was just me trying to overcompensate for my actual feelings which were really feeling like I didn’t actually deserve a good relationship. Comparison to exes is inevitable occasionally but I would really do some self reflection as to why you would feel inferior to someone that is not in your current partners life anymore. I think you’re on the right path if you’re able to lend this woman some empathy despite your past views on her. Good luck anon.

No. 265491

>>265469
Thank you so much for your advice, anon. I do have clothes and can manage minimal makeup and your advice about hair will hopefully make it all mesh together.
>>265474
>>265478
I sometimes wear a light layer of bb cream and don't think it'd cause much issue as my skin isn't that sensitive anymore but thank you for the warning, anon. I do dislike thick foundation for everyday use because it makes skin texture look more obvious and blends in my features though.

No. 265625

File: 1653246743535.jpeg (29.11 KB, 564x317, 2506fba2dd0f517c4756c5e1e6b346…)

Is there anything I can do about embarrassing memories? Lately I've been reading a book about CBT, and it's been insightful, but reading it makes me remember how embarrassing and immature I was years ago. I keep remembering all the embarrassing shit I posted online, and even though I no longer have any social media, I'm overwhelmed by how goddamn embarrassing and stupid I was in the past.

I don't think I can completely banish embarrassing memories from my head. I'm wondering if there's a method or a mantra I could use to accept the embarrassment for what it is and move on.

No. 265627

>>265625
Maybe try and forgive your younger self for being a dumbass just try and reason it out like I was literally more immature and it's normal to do stupid shit especially when you are young and still figuring yourself and the world out?

I find as I get older memories that gave me strong negative emotions in the past, the emotions fade the older I get and the more times I recall them.

I have told people about stupid embarrassing shit I did when I was younger and laugh about it, I feel that helped me reduce the negative emotions associated with such memories too.

If it continues to really upset you, you could try EMDR therapy.
I'm doing it this now so can't speak for personally how well it's worked but it's meant to help you process traumatic memories.

No. 265655

>>265625
Here are a couple ideas that help me
>Nobody else remembers or cares as much as I do
>Even if they did, that's kind of weird of them to hold a grudge/laugh at me for years
>In that case it would reflect more on them than on me
>If my best friend did the same embarrassing thing, I wouldn't be cruel to her
>I definitely wouldn't be cruel to a child no matter what they did
>Everyone in the world has embarrassed themselves multiple times over, especially in their youth
>The only bad mistake is the one that kills you
>Shame is good sometimes because I now know not to repeat that behaviour
>I was doing my best with the resources I had at the time
>I'll continue to do my best and be better

No. 265657

>>265625
Remember everyone is human. William Taft was so fat he got stuck in the Presidential Bath tub and it took multiple staff members to pull him out. Most people don’t remember that just like they don’t remember what you’ve done and you don’t remember what they have. We are more critical of ourselves than other people. No one escapes being human without doing embarrassing or cringy things and if they claim they did they’re lying.

No. 265663

>>265657
Maybe not the best example as the bathtub story is the only thing people remember about Taft kek

No. 265928

>>265445
I would ask this in the fashion thread nonny it's probably going to be more fruitful

No. 265930

>>265655
NYART, but this seriously touched me, nonnie. Screencaptured and saved, this is excellent.

No. 265994

Should I be myself in job interviews? Is it okay to be introverted but smart? (Receptionist position) I'm not overly shy, just also not an extreme extrovert. Should I pretend I loooove meeting and talking to people or something?

No. 266045

>>265994
No, I wouldn't outright lie. You don't have to act like a huge extrovert, but be the friendliest version of yourself. You can be sociable but still low key and calm. In fact a lot of companies like when you can hold a conversation but aren't unnervingly fake energetic. If they directly ask if you'd consider yourself an outgoing person don't reply yes or no outright, say something positive like "I enjoy making people feel comfortable and learning about them." That shows you care but are more of a listener and also doesn't imply you're going to chat their ear off for an hour.

No. 266064

File: 1653421676725.jpg (54.5 KB, 976x549, _100893887_1921meme.jpg)

How do I become more comfortable with taking photos of myself? I haven't taken a pic of myself in years and I generally avoid groups if people want to take pictures. I don't even think I'm really ugly I just hate looking at myself

No. 266104

I am accepting I will never find myself attractive even though others do and it is making it difficult for me to like sex anymore. I used to be so horny. How do people who feel ugly be okay with having sex? Please help.

No. 266106

>>266104
Mostly by focusing on the act itself, the pleasant sensations and enjoying your partner's body over hyperfixating on your own appearance which really has nothing to do with anything in the moment. You're experiencing what psychs call intrusive thoughts which are usually overcome through anxiety management and self awareness. You need to work on catching those moments when you're spiraling and redirect yourself over and over (even outside of sex). Don't let your mind make such a big thing over appearance; you are control of it, not the other way around. "I'm ugly oh god how can anyone bear to look at me I can't let myself have sex like this" → "Hey this is just a thought I'm having, I don't really want to let this derail a nice experience so I'm going to focus on [something else] instead." CBT can be helpful for breaking cyclical thoughts like this. Take a look at this PDF (I know the site looks scammy but you'll see it leads to a basic pdf download): https://www.pdfdrive.com/overcoming-unwanted-intrusive-thoughts-a-cbt-based-guide-to-getting-over-frightening-obsessive-or-disturbing-thoughts-d176334635.html

No. 266159

File: 1653467302774.jpeg (59.23 KB, 659x616, 3D05FC85-49BB-4769-82A6-6DE0A5…)

I’m sitting here in complete shock and I don’t know what to even do. My sisters fiancé had a sudden cardiac arrest and flatlined. He had an undiagnosed heart defect. They revived him but it looks like he’s not gonna make it.

I don’t even know what to say. How am I gonna get my sister through this? They were going to get married in a few months. We loved him like he was our own blood. How do you help someone through the sudden loss of a healthy 32 year old man?? This is going to destroy my sister and I don’t have any idea how or if I’m gonna be able to help her get through this. He’s such a great person and she’s not going to find another man like him. I think this is going to destroy our family.

No. 266162

>>266159
i'm so sorry for your loss.
anon it's gonna be hard but with time and patience, you will all get through this. she'll never truly get over it but it will get easier to live without him, little by little, even if it will always be painful.
you're probably going to argue and have issues dealing with each other but it's an unfortunate part of the grieving process. just make sure you're always there for each other.
sorry if this isn't very articulate. death is hard to talk about.

No. 266163

>>266162
It’s fine I appreciate it nonnie
It’s just so unbelievably hard. We lost our dad in 2007, our mom isn’t going to live past a few more years, and it’s just going to be us three broken siblings. It’s just not fair and we’ve been through so much already. I know life isn’t fair but fuck. I just wish we could catch a break.

No. 266173

>>266159
I can't even imagine the grief you must be feeling right now nonnie. Please remember through all you're about to go through and through all you're going to support your sister through, to take time for yourself. You're grieving a loss too, and it's going to take some time to process all of this.
Are you seeing a therapist? Is she? If you're not seeing one already, I recommend chatting with a professional, even if it's just to have someone to talk to that's removed from the situation. Having a solid support network outside of this traumatic event is imperative.
Good luck, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

No. 266208

How do you guys answer the "What's your biggest weakness" question in interviews? If I'm be honest, my biggest weaknesses are being awkward and remember people's names and faces… but I'm applying for a job where I'll be dealing with customers and I can't really use those.

No. 266213

>>266208
I try to answer honestly and follow up with something positive. I usually go with "I get pretty committed to my task & sometimes I get lost in completing my work, so please remind me when we need to finish up"

No. 266222

How do you find new friends or a boyfriend if you're an adult, and not in college and so you don't have courses to attend or anything like that?

No. 266236

>>266222
Participating in group hobbies, going to local events, checking out Meetups, volunteering or doing other community-based activities, apps like Bumble/Tinder/Hinge (Bumble also has a BFF option).

No. 266300

So I have recurring periods of hopelessness with suicidal thoughts that comes right around my period (right before and right after). I assumed that it was hormonal so I did a blood test but everything came back normal. What next? I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about maybe calling a sucide hotline every time I get like this, to see they'd help but I'm just not sure if this could be a regular thing

No. 266314

I have a longtime friend who is a weed and idk what synthetic drug user, he live with a boyfriend who take drug with him. I'm super happy because he his slowly getting his shit together but he his keeping the drug habbit since he regularly smoked weed since middle school. Any idea how I could make him know that I will help him if he choose to get off the stuff?

To give a bit of background he his a TIF with shit parent, schizo without med ( I think ) who's been to a terrible mental hospital as a kid and have absolutely terrible spine issues, he does shit governement job and his goal would be to do stuff to help mentally ill kids. I don't see him often since I changed city but I live near his Bf's brother who I can easly contact. The bf is a tif too and who failed his current college year and live off handicap benefit. I really love my friend, he his caring and never tried to rope me into his mental health issues, he has a heart of gold and I would like to be here for him.

No. 266324

>>266314
This is very sweet of you but I don't think you're in the position to help with that unfortunately since you live too far away.
When friends helped me quit my addiction, they said "I'm here for you, we can go to X (place I like) and do Y (thing I like), just us enjoying it without substances". They need to be there to offer you something as a substitute, to help you organize your substance-free days and get through them. I really don't see how you can do that from another city.

No. 266332

>>266300
Sounds like Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which is a real condition. I don't know how they test for it (or treat it) but the name could be a good starting point for your research.

No. 266334

>>266300
Stop eating meat, that cured me.

No. 266335

>>266334
Samefag, fish is ok, eat fish

No. 266339

>>266300
I was like this a few years ago. One month I walked into a womens clinic and I cried as I sat in the waiting room. I could not stop crying even in public, I was desperate. I thought that it being a womens health clinic they'd have more insight or more to say on it but they prescibed me the pill and didn't offer much advice outside of 'try this' I took the pill for a while and it was the worst thing I could've done. My one week of suicidal thoughts was extended to a whole month of straight up feeling unsafe when left alone with my thoughts. There was no downtime or relief. I went back off the pill and was stressed that I didn't have money to be wasting on appts that offered little help. I went to a regular doctor to maybe get an ssri instead. IME the moment you mention it being tied to hormones docs don't take you seriously. You might have to really be persistant before they listen or you might just want to leave out the cycle part and seek help for more general depression if it means you'll be treated.

I went on something like lexapro or cipramil and it took some edge off. It then passed in time and I slowly weaned off the meds. Looking back I've always been prone to depression already, that and I was in an unhappy/abusive relationship att but was essentially in denial about that. I removed myself from the bad relationship/living situation and I moved somewhere nicer. I don't know how much that played a role in helping. I suspect hormones were just the tipping point when I had underlying stressors. I still get slightly low or tearful every month but nowhere near the same extent as before.

We have a PMDD thread, not the most active thread but might be worth reading
>>>/g/174083

No. 266391

>>266339
>I took the pill for a while and it was the worst thing I could've done
Fuck this makes me worried because I started taking it a few days ago precisely because I want to see if it will get better

>>266332
Thanks for the info!

>>266334
Not saying that it wouldn't work, but what exactly is in meat that would make the mood swings worse?

No. 266411

>>266324
That's very true nonna, I'm gonna try to be positive and talk more often with them since I cant do much from where I live.

No. 266461

>>266391
>what exactly is in meat that would make the mood swings worse?
I have no idea, I just know it works. I discovered it by accident.
>worse
I have no mood swings at all when I don't eat meat.

No. 266465

>>266334
Seconding this, I accidentally became pescatarian because meat is expensive and I am broke and my mood has never been this stable. I went from suicidal ideations every month to no PMS symptoms aside from bloating.

No. 266502

>>266391
Nta but most overly processed meats have hormones and preservatives added in, could possibly fuck with your own hormone levels. I'm not a doctor though

No. 266546

This might be kind of dramatic, but my apartment has a gym, I love the convenience and it’s really nice… but there’s a guy who has started coming at the same time I do who will genuinely just moan his way through every workout. Fine, whatever, it’s not a Planet Fitness where there’s a “NO JEANS, NO ‘ROIDS AND ABSOLUTELY NO GRUNTING!” poster every five feet, but I’ve noticed something— When I go with my bf, or if there’s another man already there, he’s relatively quiet, but last night it was me, him, and another woman in there and he was genuinely sounding like Adam in any sex scene of his in Girls (the HBO show) and it just kept getting more and more loud and ridiculous.

Mind you, he wasn’t lifting extremely heavy weights or doing anything that strenuous, and he is pretty obviously in at least decent shape, not a “gym bro”, but clearly not unwell. I’m not a bodybuilder by any means, but doing lunges with a set of 15 lb barbells, like he does, generally does not coerce so much as a deep sigh out of me. He also will finish a set, then “walk it off” aka pace around and linger by you. This isn’t like a sad little hotel gym with 2 treadmills and a couple dumbbells either, like there’s more than enough room and stations for this to not happen.
Inb4 “oh just ignore it”— I wear noise cancelling earbuds, keep my music at max volume, and it’s still audible. Also, that seems to make it worse. Most of the time, if another girl comes in, she’ll do her thing for like 5 minutes before getting visibly annoyed and leaving. The other woman in there last night was viscerally uncomfortable (we both kept giving each other the “what the fuck” look) but we both seemed to just do our best to ignore him, but he kept fucking ramping it up with the obnoxious moans and panting, regularly looking up to see if we’d pay attention. Eventually he was “walking it off” and came right up next to me, close enough to feel his breath and I just, without looking at him, muttered “are you serious?” and grabbed my shit and left. Maybe unwarranted, but I was pissed.
Part of me wants to leave a note on the door tonight before I know he’d be there but I don’t want to be that passive aggressive. I feel like emailing management is also obnoxious. My boyfriend said next time I go alone, to just text him and he’ll come say something if he’s there being a freak again, but that feels entirely too much. I know it’s a pretty minor inconvenience, but seeing it make other women uncomfortable too, to the point that they’re up and leaving most of the time is what really bugs me. I want to address it, I just don’t want to be a busybody about it, ya know?

No. 266549

>>266546
emailing management seems reasonable to me tbh

No. 266554

>>266549
This and also see if you can record him on your phone next time you're in there so they can hear how obnoxious and retarded he's being.

No. 266556

>>266554
Ok now I feel dumb for not doing that in the first place because there are cameras in the gym but I wasn’t sure if they picked up sound, that’s a good idea.

No. 266560

>>266556
Nice! Maybe you won't even have to bring a phone then but definitely worth asking. At the least they can watch him getting unnecessarily close to you and the other women

No. 266562

Nonas, is my mom financially abusing me?
>college student making about $130 a week in retail
>mom always complains about "how I'm not saving money"
>it's true but she drains me of all my finances
>refuses to allow me to use her money for everyday expenses such as groceries and gas
>whenever I tell her to fuck off, she goes, "I know you have money saved up, use it"
>my hands are tied because she'll kick me out if I refuse
>she maxed out my one and only credit card last year under the promise that she would pay it off for me
>total bullshit so my credit score is now 600 and I can't pay it off because she keeps on telling me to use it
What do I do? Should I open a new secret bank account that she doesn't have access to?

No. 266569

>>266562
>Should I open a new secret bank account that she doesn't have access to?
Yes what the fuck, it's insane that she'd have access to any of your accounts at all. And cut up your credit card so you don't get deeper in debt.

How sure are you that she'd kick you out as opposed to just throw a tantrum and threaten you? I think it's worth refusing just to call her bluff. If it turns out she's really gonna kick you out then you can start paying for shit again I guess but you should still try to set boundaries.

No. 266578

>>266562
>>266569
My mom did something similar and I agree with nonna here because it’s what saved me. I called her bluff. Before I had the bravery to do that though, whenever she would ask for my paychecks “to save, since she didn’t trust me bc I was such a ~spendthrift~“ (read: I would spend money on literally anything, no matter how essential that wasn’t gas to get to work, school, and back… she was spending it.) I would just tell her there was a “payroll error”, and “I’d let her know when they fixed it”. All of that went into a separate account. Wells Fargo is usually pretty good with accounts for college students, and generally they can offer you a decent line of credit to repair any damage. Capital One also has good credit building secured cards. Also, look into disputing the charges. Call it theft/unauthorized use if you have to, because I wish I would’ve when my own mom fucked my credit up.

No. 266650

I feel like I'm caught in a loop.
>Aspire to do something
>Set reasonable goal
>Work hard at first but begin procrastinating
>Become overwhelmed and unfocused
>Fail to complete anything
Most recently this happened with school where I took only one class that semester, one I was genuinely passionate and excited about. My goal was to finish the course with one (1) piece to put in my portfolio. I did very well at first, but slowly started procrastinating and doing my assignments at the last minute. Then when it came time to start the final project I struggled to do any work at all. Even with ample time left to get myself together, I gave up and stopped going to class. It feels like a total waste. I'm even more ashamed of myself because I have to hide it from everyone I care about after disappointing them again and again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like this is a symptom of a larger problem, but I don't know where to look or how to begin solving it. I'm a fairly introspective person and for the first time I feel totally clueless about my own psyche. Maybe I'm having an identity crisis? Undiagnosed personality disorder? I'm not even sure what kind of advice I'm looking for here. How do I unfuck myself when I don't know what exactly is fucked, but I do know that I have to fix it ASAP or I'll never accomplish anything?

No. 266652

>>266562
Go to the bank and just get her kicked off your bank account. It's not normal for parents to have access to the bank accounts of their adult kids. If you think she'll actually kick you out over it, it's time to make plans to move out because she'll ruin you if she keeps access to your bank account.

No. 266661

>>266562
If the thing she's holding over you is kicking you out (and the reason she feels entitled to treat you like a kid or to take from you is likely you still living at home too) you should look into options for getting out on your own and cutting all ties in terms of finances or relying on her to co-sign anything. I don't know if you can access a form of reduced or assisted housing or even go into some debt for it and worry about the repayments later but to be out from under a parent like this its often worth taking that hit.

It's harsh in a way but accepting free board from a someone, even a parent once you're an adult can lead to this bs. Bit different but I was in a relationship years ago where I lived with a guy who didn't ask me to pay rent. He would hold that 'power to kick me out' over me from time to time to get his way or he'd hit me up for money sporadically with no warning sometime leaving me short of money for small things like toiletries. I eventually realised you can't 'take' from people like that without paying them back somehow. The only escape is to stop taking and you'll break the cycle of them feeling owed.

No. 266664

>>266650
You should get tested for adhd. It can be a game changer for some people

No. 266687

>>266650
I'm exactly the same. I am so scattered brained, it's so frustrating.
>>266664
Would it be ADHD if I was normal as a kid? As far as I remember, at least.

No. 266702

nonnies how do I get over feeling sexual shame? even when I do something sexual with someone I like or enjoy the sex many times I can't help but feeling like a whore after and most of the time wishing I hadn't done it. this happens with both hookups and sometimes relationships too.

has anyone had this issue and been able to overcome it?

No. 266712

>>266702
Yes I have it. I love my bf of many years a lot and I still have it. Someone once told me it's because women are inherently innocent and sex for pleasure is not really in built for us.
They may be right or wrong but I did think about this for a while. I do think sex is very primal and it satisfies the body but I'm very emotional and in my head a lot so sex for me doesn't do much. I do enioy it I suppose but I don't find it as a build to my character and sometimes I feel dirty for ages. Not abused or anything like that I should say, I just feel as though sex is not as a necessity as society makes it out to be. Just my 2 cents.

No. 266713

>>266702
I've had very sexually active phases before followed by long phases of no sex, like years of no sex after phases of having fwbs. For every period of time where I could've been judged as being a whore.. there was equally a long sexless period too. I cant decide if I'm frigid or a whore. Which should define me? lol

But if you at all think the feeling of regret runs deeper than 'people would judge me' maybe listen to the feeling. All depends on what you think is causing it though. Do you have underlying issues with the guys or do you think it's a more general feeling that women are damned if we do and damned if we don't? Tbh sometimes the shit anons say on here will feed into that worry if you're already feeling a certain way. Be mindful of that.

No. 266717

>>266713
>>266712
thanks for both your inputs. I do think I have some underlying issues from my past but I at least feel like I've worked through those for the most part. I don't really worry about other people judging me tho more of just a feeling of "i shouldnt have done that" or will look back on it and cringe. I was waiting for a serious relationship to do it again which I have broken now. Maybe just need to spend some more time understanding my own sexuality or trying to understand why I really feel this way.



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