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Ask for advice on any topic!
Previous thread: >>>/g/205674
Alright well I'll christen the thread with some needed advice. Domestic abuse victims, please chime in.
The couple next door are definitely a domestic abuse case. I've always heard the woman screaming when they kick off, in various degrees of pain. They kicked off again about half an hour ago, so I called the police 'cause the woman was yeling things like, "No let me go", "No that's disgusting", and "I just want to leave". The worst I heard her yell in pain and fear was about a month ago. When I called the police that time, nothing happened. This time the police actually did a wellness check, but to my utter embarrassment, neither the man nor woman were home (they somehow left in the span of like… 5 minutes after this all kicked off and I don't get it). I swear to god I feel like I'm a crazy person and I want to know… the next time this happens, do I start recording them? I share a wall with them, hence how I can hear this all. But I feel like I need to gather some evidence or at least stand out in the hallway so I can see where they go or what they look like. Please let me know what to do next time this happens aside from call the police. I want to finally catch them in the act and end this shit once and for all.
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How do I start socializing again after a prolonged period of isolation?
Conceptually, I get it, I just go to places and meetups and whathave you and just talk to people. But how do I keep myself from sounding and looking 'off'? I feel like people would be able to tell that I'm sheltered from the way I speak and that I'm forcing myself to open up and talk. This is the other thing, I yearn for company but at the same time afraid of intimacy. I feel like this is another thing that people would pick upon, the ambivalence that I feel towards them
Deep breathes Noni. Remember we’re all just weird little star dust people trying to exist and connect. Intimacy and connection take time. It comes naturally as relationships progress as long as they’re healthy and you two mesh well. Don’t force yourself, most of the people who push going so far out of your comfort zone are telling you to disrespect your boundaries. Reassure and work through your anxiety but honor and listen to your genuine concerns too.
Try simple compliments first. Prepare in your head. Checking out at the store compliment the clerk on her shirt or hair. It makes people feel good.
In one on one when you’re trying to actually get to know someone ask them questions and listen. People really do like to talk about themselves. Even if they say they don’t. Most people just don’t listen. So a little genuine kindness and reassurance can help. And if someone is an asshole. Fuck them. You don’t want to be friends with people that don’t like you anyway.
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What do you do when everything starts feeling stagnant in your life? I think it's just another depressive episode, but lately everything's been feeling bland to me and nothing feels worth doing. Not even going out to buy stuff helped me feel better, I don't see a point to even getting new things. I don't hate my life right now, it just feels like a drag, same town, same job, same people, same places. I dream about moving away but know this cycle will just repeat after a while. How do you get out of this slump?
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How to get used to not talking to someone on a daily basis? A friend and I have pretty much gotten to the point in a very active and emotional friendship where we've realized there's not much to talk about anymore unless someone's upset (usually me). They keep busy in life, and I have my own shit to deal with as they are well aware of, so we've agreed that it's okay to not talk frequently if there's nothing important to talk about. However, I've realized that I'm so used to constant communication with them that it's hard to not talk to them, and I wind up upset if I can't even talk to them for a little bit at the end of the day. How the fuck do I fix this without just outright calling a break to the friendship or telling them to make me fuck off for their own good?
I've had this issue multiple times before and even now I'm in this same slump. I think you just have to accept that life is repetitive to a point (when I first realized this it made me suicidal ngl) and you have to pave your own way. Romanticize the mundane, try new things, even if it's something as small as a different route home from work or a new restaurant. Pick up a new hobby. Try to learn a new language. I think you will be happier if you spend your money on experiences instead of material possessions. Oh, and if you want to move away and start all over, go for it! Life is all about trying new things and getting experience under your belt. But the key is to just be content with what you have, gratitude is a learned skill tbh. Good luck anon and I hope we can both get out of our slump together!>>258003
I'm sorry anon, I know how lonely this can feel. It feels like you're a lost puppy waiting for their owner to come home. All you can really do is to try to keep yourself occupied or perhaps meet more people you can talk to so you don't feel so lonely. It's not good to be dependent on only one friend.
been on and off quitting for the past year. its definitely hard but I suggest taking calming vitamins every day, I take magnesium and valerian and some other herbal relaxants every day. I also bought a vape with 2 chambers one with nicotine and one without. Just so that my hands have something to do once I get that urge. I also really suggest patches, I had so much depression when I was quitting and once I bought patches that niggling feeling and anxiety just subsided and I was able to work properly again.
Good luck anon, its really hard but you do overcome it.
i've been smoke free for about year and a half. also quit cold turkey. i took no supplements/vitamins/juices/patches and what-have-yous but that is just my personality. i had set out a date of quitting, and had watched joel spitzer videos for a couple of months prior. (i went against his advice to watch them as you quit
, though i did watch some of his daily vids while quitting too). anyways i had built a really good arsenal of comebacks for that little voice inside my head that keeps you thinking about cigarettes, making you want to smoke etc. i had convinced myself that this voice is a little piece of shit that only makes me want to stay miserable, keep spending money on poison etc. i completely flipped the way i thought about cigarettes as i used to be a hardcore smoker, pack and more a day, i fucking loved it. i knew that the hardest part about quitting for me would be the mental, so i really focused on that. i had arguments with myself daily for weeks, it was exhausting, but i kept telling myself it was worth it, and it was. good luck nonnies.
I start by making a list of everything I need to do. Of those tasks I choose the most important one (nearest deadline, other's depending on me, personal investment) as my starting point. Then I break it down into smaller tasks. >Clean entire house>clean kitchen>wipe countertops>Take out sponge and spray bottle
Narrow it down until it feels easy enough to that you could complete that first step in five minutes. I often tell myself "ok, I'll do just
this and only for 5 minutes and then take a break". Usually when that five minutes has passed, I don't feel the need to stop, I just keep going until I've finished several more steps.
It also helps to be realistic about how much you can actually do. Most of the time, some things on the list are left incomplete because I just don't have the time or energy. That's okay. As long as I can manage to do even one, small, five minute part of my task, then I'm proud of myself.
Lastly please consider letting some things go. Maybe you have too much on your plate? When I feel stressed to the point of inaction, I resolve to take on fewer responsibilities even if it means people get mad at me or I'm disappointed in myself. I think it's more important to move slowly, at a pace I am personally comfortable with, and take good care of my physical health.
She clearly knows because you've told her before. Unless she's severely ill in other ways she's just decided she's out of ideas or she doesn't care and made her peace with it.
So she sleeps on the couch, maybe get her a mattress protector that's made for bedwetting. Or even just a thick blanket she can use as a throw so if she has an accident she can at least chuck that in the wash.
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Any advice on making new friends outside of work/school/clubs? I live alone in a small area, I recently go dumped and realised outside of my relationship I don't have a 'best friend'. My current friendship group consists of my mum and women close to my mums age who are married with kids (I am 23). Although they are all very supportive and lovely they're not the kind of friends that share my hobbies and interests. There are also no clubs or groups in my area for my hobbies
Am I destined to be a hermit?
Walk the fuck away. This is a red flag for terminal insecurity, so unless you're into guys who are mentally 3 years old and still attached to mommy's hip who need constant emotional babying, fucking run
Never entertain a guy who makes you feel anything but amazing. The gut feelings of cringe, ick, and ugh are there for a reason.
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okay so let me start out by saying i have a serious aversion to gore. it's been my biggest insecurity since forever and i've had terrible reactions to it for my entire life. i'm so sick of not being able to watch media (i enjoy horror ironically) that include a little blood without my hands going cold and clammy and having nausea. i was getting better with it but now i've seemed to go backwards. please help, nonnies, this has been nagging at me for a very long time and i'd like to address it for good. how do i start on fixing this affliction? why me
I got you Noni. I grew up the same so here a run down of everything I can think of okay?
Brush your teeth twice a day and floss before bed. When you floss. Floss before you brush so you loosen anything stuck between your teeth and the brush helps remove it after. Don’t use a whitening toothpaste they just wear down your enamel and don’t improve tooth health.
Washing your face can be left most of the time till night time. Then just a gentle face cleanser and throw on some moisturizer. You don’t need sunscreen on a daily basis unless you’re going to be outside in the hottest part of the day with the sun high or longer than 30 minutes in the morning or afternoon. A little sun is good for you.
I would recommending showering everyday. Just a rinse off before bed and never wear your outside clothes in your bed. Your tracking dirt. When you shower start top to bottom. So if you’re washing your hair. Do that then teeth if you need to brush them. Then face. Tooth paste around your mouth can make you break out so do it before you wash your face. Then body starting from the top. Focus on pits, under the breast in the fold. Belly button. Your but and crack then down the legs. When you wash your lady hits don’t use soap inside your labia (the lips). Take a warm wash rag or your hand and rinse the area clean. It has its on PH and is self cleaning. That’s the discharge you get and the white acidic bleach spots in your undies.
Don’t sleep in underwear just loose pants or shorts or naked. Change your undies in the morning. Shoot for natural cotton so they breathe or if you need to use a synthetic make sure they have that extra piece of fabric for “moisture wicking”. Pants unless they get dirty are good to wear two or three times as long as you’re wearing undies and shirts I normally wash every time or every other since I tend to be a little messy or it can get hot and if I sweat I wouldn’t wear it again.
When you go to the restroom always wipe front to back. If you wipe back to front you are pulling fecal matter towards your vaginal opening and can give yourself bacteria infections and stuff. If you need more Noni let me know. I’ll be your advice aunt. Us neglected adults have to stick together.
This is a really great list but I would say try not to sleep naked/without bottoms on. Even if you regularly wipe you can get leftover fecal matter in your sheets and irritate your skin.
Also to add: when you put on lotions/creams, don't get in bed for at least 20 min otherwise it will rub off on your sheets.
And just in general change the bedding once a week or once every two weeks depending on how much you sweat. Sorry to sperg about bed sheets so much lol
Thank you, this is so kind. Did you upgrade your hygiene step by step or everything at once?
Should I clean my nose everyday? I think there is always stuff in it but I don't know how to make it properly clean. And cleaning the ears everyday? Should I use hot water in the shower or is warm better?
Step by step. I started with the bigger pieces like showering and brushing my teeth. Making sure I had clean clothes and underwear. Then started washing my sheets more regularly, wearing socks with my workout sneakers, going to dentist visits etc. You can take steps and remember this is a process. Work a step at a time. Maybe make a checklist to start like a little one to keep in the bathroom with your night and morning steps and then as you have more you want to add try them out?
When showering you want to use warm not super hot. Hot water if it’s really hot actually removes the natural oil from your skin, so you’re better using a warm water with either a charcoal and oatmeal soap or a gentle tea tree.
You shouldn’t need to clean your ear canals themselves under most cases and for the sake of your hearing don’t stick things in the canal yourself. To wash your ears. Take a warm rag when you wash your face or in the shower. It’s your preference. Get behind them where they meat your head. Dead skin likes to build up their. Then go in the top inside alcove and then just into the little conch and your done. It’s just a wipe to remove excess ear wax, dirt, and dead skin around your the outside part of your ear.
As far as noses. As long as you can breathe you’re okay. The mucus is normal. It happens to all of us. It’s part of how our body removes allergens and illness. Blow your nose when you need to wash your hands afterwards. If you have a lot of nose hair and want to trim it you can, but it’s not necessary and nose hair helps protect your nose from debris. If the inside of your nose is very dry you can use a saline nose spray which is just sterile salt water to moisten it. You should be okay though just letting the inside of your nose do nose things.
I managed to quit for a year (a lot of horrible shit put me back onto it) and in that year I didn't even crave a single cig and I did it Alan Carr's guide to quitting smoking. Not the comedian but another guy, he really went into the psychology of smoking from a smokers perspective and got to the route of why you smoke and how you're lying to yourself essentially. I'm sure you can find the book online and would highly recommend. There's also a cheesy 90s DVD of it which I preferred as I liked the visual element. There was a youtube upload that no longer exists but I wouldn't think it'd be hard to find . Even though I vape
now my year of not smoking was honestly so easy and it was all from that. Good luck!
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How do I accept myself?
I grew up in a household where any sort of self-expression was discouraged (as soon as I put on any kind of a poster on the wall, my mother tore it down, she also criticized my drawings and the films I liked to watch, etc pretty much anything that I liked or did. She also preemptively shot down anything she assumed I wanted to do but didn't). As a result I still struggle with self-acceptance and self-expression and it's especially anxiety inducing whn I'm supposed to be speaking about things I like to do because I expect to be rejected. I also recently realized that my apartment also does not reflect who I am in any way because I was afraid to personalize it (no pictures on the walls for instance).
How do other nonnas deal with hypersexuality and stuff like that? It has been about 3 years since last time I had sex and it was really horrible, that whole time was really bad and now I know I was in a weird hypersexual phase, I did a lot of things I regret a lot, I used to cam underaged and made porn of myself and I was just not myself at all, it was all very disturbing and then I just suddenly turned completely normal for the past 3 years. I feel like I'm getting to that 'place' again and getting this weird urge to be risky and dangerous again, I really cannot afford it nonnas, I live in a muslim country, I could get seriously hurt and ostrascized, I am already lucky I came out with minimal damage to my brain and body. I don't know how to let this phase past so I can go back to my normal self. I'm seriously starting to feel unhinged and weird, just like before. Also, I'm 21 right now, and I'm afraid that this cycle will continue, I want it to stop. Any nonnas with similar experiences?
Thanks a lot, nonna. I actually have a diary I wrote in from that time and reading it gave me a wake up call definitely, I really don't want to go back to that. I'll do what you say about writing too. Thankfully, my surroundings irl and online are as sterile and asexual as they could be. >when I was hyper sexual I just wanted to feel wanted and okay and not have to think for a minute.
This is so relatable. Another thing I'm pretty sure is a factor is that these types of things I used to do as a young teen and I think, in some twisted way, it brings me some sort of comfort and familarity. Thanks for the help nonna, I wish you the best.
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Kek from the hand sperging I remembered some anons posted their hands a while ago, look my fingers have something wrong with them. I think my bone is jutting out on my index finger, it appeared last year, does anyone else have this
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How tf do you trust people again after you've been deceived and abandoned multiple times?
Immediately after meeting anyone new I get this expectation that they have malicious intentions and want me fail and this makes it very difficult for me to open up. The only people I learned to trust was my therapists (been in therapy multiple times) but with anyone else I just cannot.
, just saying I relate a lot, I'm very suspicious of people. A good thing to do is to do good things for others and give them reason to trust you, and open up gradually. Maybe try to find humour in the paranoia. It's not easy, but it will be worth it because paranoia can stop you enjoying life to the fullest.
"Hey [Auntie], I'm a little concerned about [Cousin]. I noticed she didn't eat at dinner and is looking a little thin/is losing weight. Is she doing alright?"
Good luck anon, I hope your cousin is ok!
I've been scared to ask this question for a long time, especially on here, but I've asked my mum this concern but I didn't get much of an answer. Every time I make female friends I feel like they become energy vampires or hurt me in the end? I've had girlfriends since I was a kid but they always turn on me in the end, my first best friend didn't even bother to care that I immigrated (which was scary for me), my second friend hated that I was a vegetarian and wouldn't help me pick out menus and my third best friend raped me by fingering me when we were 12. I made some girlfriends at uni but the first one ended up being a libfem (im christian) so she was really mean to me about me not agreeing with open relationships, but my second friend was too open and always forced me to talk about her broken relationships with men and she loved skating (which I used to) so she used that as an excuse to take me to skate parks and 'watch guys' (which I didn't want to do, I told her but she didn't seem to care).
I found a friend I thought I would like who was into D & D and knitting but she ended up also being really mean to me and controlling the way I spoke.
My mum so far has been the only girlfriend I've had who is nice to me, so I don't understand why I can never find nice girlfriends? I was even in a group of girls during uni and they all discussed diets, sex, drugs and mundane social stuff that I really didn't care about.
I've cried about it a lot and I've always said that it's my fault and that maybe I'm too high maintenance. But when I try to find girls with my interests they still seem to either hurt me, control the way I talk or emotionally dump on me.
I was in a group online for Six Siege which was full of guys and they were super nice. I actually met them in person in a game convention since they were in my same city and I remember crying that night because I was so upset that they were so nice to me and I've never had girls be this nice to me before.
These dudes didn't judge me on my life, the way I spoke or my morals. But when I brought it up to my female friends they all called me a pickme and a handmaiden (which I had to google). So I am not sure what I'm doing wrong? Am I just just looking in the wrong direction? Why have I had really shitty friends my whole life? I'm 25 now and I cannot say that I've ever had nice female friends who haven't turned on me, sexualised me or forced my speech to be a different way. I have had nice male friendships and I actually met my current long term bf from this friendship, but I only find my mum my closest friend.
I can't relate to 'female friendship' memes and sometimes they actually trigger me. What do I do anons?
What's really the problem? You don't seem to mesh well with women, or you somehow attract the weird ones. Too bad, but just make a resolve to not allow bad people in your life just to have female friends. If your friendships with men are fullfilling then just continue to nurture those, and if you do somehow find a good female friend by chance, cool but if you don't, who cares? As long as you do have good friends, the sex shouldn't matter. Happy you have a good relationship with your mom, so you do have someone with afemale perspective, if you might need it.
I've never had a male friend or even a single meaningful conversation with a man, and I'm fine with things being this way despite being told that male friends are cool and helpful, I'm sure they are, but what works for me, works for me and what works for you, works for you nonna. Don't feel pressured to make your life acceptable to others.
>>263795>deep down I wish I meshed with women my age
I get you nonna, like, seeing posts about female friendships or even just coming across women you think are cool, but then realizing you both aren't compatible with each other in some way, that they are having a negative effect on your life rather than positive, and this doesn't mean that you still can't want a friendship with a woman. But in your case, it's just not been a good experience. I don't think you should rule out the possibility as a whole, but you shouldn't force yourself to be comfortable with things you aren't okay with, just to like, tick it off your checklist. I hope I'm making sense, kek. Good luck, and your current circle sounds lovely haha
I totally don't try to rule out the female experience at all, I constantly try to make female friends but I seem to get the same vibe from them all, it's a bit too pushy for me and I don't enjoy the intensity at all, it makes me sad when I come home. I think you are totally making sense, thank you anon. I do enjoy my current circle, I just wish I had more modern female friends.>>263798
I would agree with you but I've been friends with my current circle for about 8+ years and they all have girlfriends/are married. I haven't experienced flirting with them before, just conversations about our hobbies or the game we're playing.>friendships are about supporting eachother through life and the struggles that come with it. Venting and talking about your feelings in a friendship is normal. Maybe you'd mesh better with other female autists?
You are right and I definitely want that, but I don't enjoy the intensity that women bring upon me especially my most recent female friends who vented really hard about their sex lives, the way I talked or ultimately bullied me. I was unsupported during my immigration and I tried to support my friend when I was younger when she came out with lesbian mothers but she ended up raping me. I did see a therapist about this and I do forgive her, but I don't enjoy the intensity at which women talk to me. At the utmost I enjoyed the friendships I've had with women aged 70+ because their problems were wildly more contained than what I've had to experience, and I have supported my male friends but its mainly about work or losing someone in the family etc. I just wish sometimes that I could have a friend my age but they seem too intense to me. I actually went out to a bar with my bf tonight to watch footy and I tried to spark up a conversation with girls on the balcony but they just kept discussing sex, bad relationships and all the negatives in their lives. And I always find this with women, they seem to discuss so much negativity with me that it makes me cry when I go home. I've tried making friends with a female 'autist' who played d&d but she was really controlling of the way I spoke and acted a bit reddit tier? Idk. Maybe I am just unlucky or looking in the wrong places. But at 25 I thought I would have more friends.
>>263798>Women "emotionally dump" on you because friendships are about supporting eachother through life and the struggles that come with it.
The most toxic
advice I've ever heard. No one should be subjected to emotional dumping, it's not cool and it's not something 'females do for eachother' its fucking cruel and puts people in uncomfortable positions. >>263800
Anon you seem nice so just stick to what you have now and try to let bad people into your life. Whether they are men or women, you seem to know what you want which is important, so don't spread yourself too thin just because you want friends 'your own age'. Even if your mum is your closest friend, that's totally okay, don't let others tell you otherwise.
I sincerely doubt every woman anon came across in her life was a toxic
emotional vampire. It's more likely she has the emotional intelligence of a potato and doesn't want to engage in a deep friendship that is based on feelings, understanding and empathy rather than common interests. She's perplexed people in a club were talking about their relationships as if that's a weird thing to do kek
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Let's say you're 28 but you're still on the emotional level of a teenager due to mental health issues and avoiding all the experiences that people usually have due to anxiety. How do you grow up? Do you just go out and start partying, dropping acid and recklessly having sex to make up for tthe lack of those experiences? Would that make you grow up?
I prefer to be friends with other lesbians, febfems or some especially based straight women, because they don't have as many men in their lives. I'm pretty sure most drama which causes women to emotionally dump, can be traced back to scrotes. I also gravitate towards other spergs, wich helps. I don't like hanging out with scrotes because they're drama, they always end up revealing they are in love with you or want to fuck you (supposed gay guy even came out as bi, yikes), they're boring, paralyzed by toxic
masculinity and have a shite sense of humor. I do well with women I meet at boardgame cafés, anime and videogame conventions. >>263789
You're not going to find many women you can get along with though if you're a conservative Christian with antifeminist values, because then yeah most women aren't going to like that, but men will LOVE that. Men don't care because your morals don't affect them and they probably agree or think it's hot anyway. Meanwhile women are affected by patriarchal values.
My male friends were always super nice, because they wanted to fuck or date me.
On the other hand, my female friends were honest and actually helped me through my hard times, unlike the male friends who left whenever they realized I wouldn't date them.
The men in question only like you because you're easy and stupid, the same reason women dislike you. You're appealing to males and so they'll use you as an example to say>look, women are sexist too! Women hate women too! >women's friendships are bad! >women compete with each other!
But they'll end up dating and marrying the same women they allegedly hate while you'll never be more than a conversation topic to them.
>>263852>I may be christian but I was also a metal head and a skater for years
I think other nonnas are being too harsh on you. Just do as this >>263821
says. I don't think you should force yourself to keep looking, it will come if it was for you nonna, anything can happen. You currently have a social circle, so it isn't like you are friendless, just keep your connections with them strong, as you have for so many years. Also try the friendship finder and see if you have any luck there, but don't feel bad if things don't work out.
I've talked through these issues with my therapist a lot so I guess I can answer them here if I am anonymous.
I had a friend who was too open with me about all the crushes she had as a child and I asked her not to talk about it because I honestly didn't care for boys at the time and she called me a 'bitch' for not listening to her and told my dad in his face that im a 'bad person'.
My other best friend was I guess what you would call 'lib fem' and she wouldn't accept that I didn't want to discuss open relationships with her and porn, and when I became vegetarian for my religion she said I was 'stupid' and when I asked her to send me the menus before we went to a restaurant so I can see what I can eat she said I was 'retarded' and should 'shut up and get over myself'
I had another best friend in high school and she came out with lesbian mothers and she always used to ask me to compare boob sizes and then one day when we were home alone and cooking she said we should look at our vaginas in the mirror and she ended up fingering me and saying 'its what my mum and anna do' and I felt really scared and asked my mum to pick me up afterwards.
Lately, I got a nice job with an arts company and my friend from uni found out that I was into skating so she always took me to the local skate park afterwards and make me discuss her broken relationship while watching younger guys skate and rate them.
I tried to make friends with an autist d&d girl but once she mentioned open relationships and I said that its not cool and its not loyal and she said that im a bad person and I don't deserve to have a boyfriend because I dont understand relationships.
I tried to make friends with a girl online through my gaming group and she just sent me floods of information about her mental health and her relationship and I really just didn't ask for it and it made me feel really upset and I honestly didn't know what to do.
So I don't know what to do but I seem to have really intense conversations with girls my age and it's just a bit too much for me. I don't even go to church, I just livestream watch it on youtube and pray every day but even the girls at church discuss their lives and its just way too much for me and I don't enjoy the intensity of it. Maybe I just have high standards but I don't even know what standards I put on people, I just don't enjoy what's happening.
I appreciate your advice and thank you for taking the time to think about my issue. I believe my mum has been the nicest person to me through my whole life, I usually cry along but she tends to listen to my problems over tea or lunch and I do appreciate her advice. I don't actually go to my gamer friends for advice at all because in my mind, I don't actually want advice in the first place I just want to enjoy my time here.
I think your response to me is coming from a place of not knowing who I am so I understand if I come off naive or something of that same calibre.
I meant to say, not along lol
>>263857>normal preteen girl wants to discuss her normal preteen crushes>expects her friend to at care since they're friends>anon thinks it's emotional dumping and too intense
The libfem was a bitch though, if it actually went down like that.
>she tends to listen to my problems over tea or lunch and I do appreciate her advice
So put yourself in the shoes of another person, you can clearly appreciate someone being there for you and listening to your bs, but when they ask the same in return it's too much?
So you never listen to your mother? And your male friend's issues are somehow valid
but women's aren't?.. Isn't losing someone more intense than sex or crushes, though?
That you don't even go to church makes it just worse that you're so obsessed with your morals and enjoy judging others. If's fine if you break rules left and right, but when your nonreligious friends don't follow your morals, you get to judge?>>263875
Yeah seems typical. You like to dish it out, but you can't take any criticism yourself.
She probably does everything and anything sinful with her boyfriend but bashes other women for doing so, kek.
She's just a basic pickme and didn't like it when she didn't get coddled for shitting on women while putting random men on pedestal. Imagine caring about random men's issues more than your mother's. She unironically is more of a whore than the hypersexual friend.
I don't wanna read through this whole infight but I wonder if this is the same anon from the vent thread a few months back, who posted about how she got raped by a woman (which is obviously horrible, not doubting that) and now she hates all lesbians and bisexuals BUT that she expects support from them? It read as bait-y to me because she then proceeded to go to the lesbian thread (and maybe even the bi thread) to fight with them.
anyway, sorry for the tonfoil. It just seemed familiar. >>263896
Sorry anon, reposted!
Didn't you already get banned gor samefagging at >>263884
Why do you keep coming here, samefagging and acting like you totally didn't dunk on every woman in your life, even the ones here who tried to give you advices?
How to meet new people? I had the same group of friends for 10+ years (small town), and I'm still close to them, we love each other, blah blah, but I want to meet new people! Thing is, I don't go to parties, and when I socialize with my friends we go to zoo, parks, restaurants, cinema, second hand shops, we watch movies, play games, all activities that don't involve meeting other people. I've tried to meet women through games (like FFXIV) and they were fun but I'm not interested in online friendship.
I think that depends on what kind of learner you are. Visual, audio, kinesthetic, etc. You can find personality tests for that online and other articles to help you figure out which you are. They usually have suggestions on the best ways to learn for each type.
Going to classes gives you the chance to socialise and holds you more accountable to actually attend and learn. If you're self disciplined (or learning the skill is not crucial) then you should be fine learning by yourself at home.
In classes you're also at the mercy of the teacher's pace, which for me has always been super boring because I learn fast and want to speed up. If you can find a course that suits your knowledge level, you might not have this issue.
Also keep in mind any materials you need for your new venture. For example painting classes might provide the art supplies (read the fine print), but if you are self-taught those supplies will be self-bought. >>264030
You don't have to sage in /g/ /ot/ or /m/. Weirdly hostile for a newfag.
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I've been accepted into a good university, on a course I love in a country I'd love to study in but I don't know if I should accept it and go. It's a 4 year course and it would mean I wouldn't be able to see my family more than once a year if that. I studied in my home country for a while but my lecturers were awful and I didn't adapt well. I visited this country and fell in love. I've been offered a scholarship, but another reason I am hesitant is due to money. I am able to pay and my mother has offered to help but I don't want to burden her. My mother isn't overtly affectionate and we have had our differences, but I do love her dearly. I felt sad when I was living at home with her but it is by no means a chaotic household.
I feel like if I accept, I might end up homesick or become a financial burden but on the other hand I feel like if I don't go, I'll be missing out on a great experience. The course I have been accepted into is also one where it's best to study in said country as they pioneer in that field.
WARNING long rambling pathetic sperg out.
I feel like I am too broken to fix. I don't know who to go to, or what to do. I need an adult to help me - but I am an adult.
I have severe social problems. I never - not even as a toddler - was able to be a child. I was severely punished for any childlike behavior. I had to act like an adult. But a child can only do that superficially - they can only act like an adult and can't really be one on the inside. But that's the best I could do then. I acted like an adult, and acted, and acted, and acted. I'm still acting. I feel like I'm waiting to be allowed to drop the act.
So I have had all my life skills since I was extremely young. And I am still on top of these things today. I can follow a routine very easily, and I do. So on the outside I appear to have few problems.
But I completely failed to develop. I kept a diary at age 8 and I very literally have not emotionally, socially, or sexually progressed since that diary. I basically never learned to socialize. I never developed normal sexual or romantic interests. I haven't been able to relate to my peers since middle school because they all grew up and I didn't. I need someone I can go to for comfort, but I don't know how to make someone love me, and I need to be loved to be comforted.
Today at work I left for 5 minutes to lock myself in the bathroom and just fell to the floor and curled up and started crying for mom. I just kept thinking "I want mom, I want mom." I just want someone who loves me to come help me, but - objectively - nobody loves me. Nobody is coming to help unless I pay them a hundred bucks for an hour. I basically pay my therapist to pretend she loves me once a week. One hour a week, out my paycheck, I get "mom."
I already have a job, am in school, live on my own, exercise regularly, and am at a healthy BMI, so the immediate suggestions (get a job, move out, take care of yourself, etc) are already taken care of.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
my grandma thought it was okay to tell me what sex, rape, pedophilia, masturbation, etc. was when i was like 5 years old.
she told me, because she thought i was smart enough. i kept trying to convince her to teach me what they mean because i wanted to be smarter and grown up and my parents wouldn't tell me. all it took was one conversation. i am just finding out that this actually harmed me and can be considered child abuse.
there were other instances of child neglect from her such as letting me get severe sunburns, and forgetting to feed me properly.
i feel responsible and ashamed that this traumatized me. i got false memories and night terrors for years after, severe anxiety and self harming and hypersexual behaviours. i know i was only 5 years old but i still cringe and feel embarrassed. why? i don't know what to do, i don't want to talk to my grandma, but what if she is just stupid and really did not mean any harm? what if she dies soon and i regret not talking to her? i don't know, when i talk to her she only whines and cries, and it wears me down.
How do you know you're not depressed? >I have no energy and no motivation to do anything.
This isn't normal/healthy.
Hey, I'm also 19 and struggling to get past that mindset. I'm also a NEET because I dropped out of my career and still haven't got a job.
First of all, I wouldn't be so sure you're not depressed, like the anon above said, maybe you could talk to a therapist.
Second of all, I'd try to stay away from social media and "dopamine rushes", you'll feel bored and borderline dead but it's necessary. Maybe you are depressed or maybe you are like me, and your brain is just fucked up from easy and extremely enjoyable distractions. This thing is also known as "dopamine detox". In the mean time, I'd recommend spending time outdoors. If you have a park near you, maybe you can go for a walk, or if it's too much, you can just sit there and enjoy the weather. Being in nature grounds you and will probably lift your mood.
When you're feeling better, start with the simple tasks (showering, cleaning your room, opening the windows, cooking something). Repeat as necessary and progress.
As for motivation, you don't deserve to be bullied, but imagine how satisfactory it is to be autonomous, to learn something and then execute it correctly, to do your own thing. Doing shit for yourself gives you freedom and self-esteem. We, as humans, were made to do things, not simply consume and lay down. I believe in you nonnie
, keep realistic expectations and open up to the world. It's less difficult and harsh than what we imagine
Thanks for the book recommendation. I appreciate your advice a lot. I'll look into the book.
I've been recommended two books in the past (when I made a post about this on a different site): Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and the Pete Walker book about CPTSD. I didn't find the first one helpful because it seemed to take for granted that you were able to form social and romantic relationships, and I also don't think my parents were immature. The second one was somewhat helpful.
I'll look into the thread about mother wounds as well. Thanks.
>>264818>How the fuck do I accept another person's opinion that's different from my own?
This is a basic, broad concept. My general advice would be to try to put yourself in the other person's place and understand their reasoning. Acceptance is acknowledging the fact while holding your own opinion still. I would tell myself I cannot directly control other people's beliefs, only influence, and that is limited. Humans are social animals and are influenced by broader society, social network, and emotions.>it legit makes me angry when someone believes in pseudoscience or says something about a topic that they don't know anything about
Religious and spiritual advice and beliefs are often irritating to hear as a nonbeliever, remember they mean well and are operating in the frameworks they know. Remind yourself getting annoyed is understandable, but you can acknowledge it is frustrating while remaining detached.
As someone who used to struggle with anger issues in general and fly into stupid rages and break shit over miniscule nothings, just try to gradually control your thoughts. It sucks to hear but it's the only way. You'll eventually get to the point where you can dismiss your frustration and move on quickly.
Finding everything farcical and hilarious helped me. Isn't it kind of goofy when people believe in nonsense? Flipping anger-inducing scenarios into funny ones helps transition to the dismissal stage. Don't take anything too seriously.
, this is late but I really relate to your post. I was in extreme mental burnout the last couple years as I literally hadn't caught a break since I hit puberty. Lots of trauma, abusive
relationships, etc. I've been seeing a therapist in the last year and a half and she's really helped me work through a lot of those processes.
One thing we spoke about is allowing yourself to just……exist. You've been in survival mode so long your body and brain chemicals are whack. And you're going to hate me for this, but the one most important thing you need is time. Those sensations you've lost are only going to come back with time and taking care of yourself. It's ok to take it slow, and worrying/feeling frustrated with the way your body is working right now is only going to prolong your healing. Meditating, yoga, things of that nature are ways to get in touch with your body again. But ultimately you just need time to heal your body and mind. I'd recommend seeing a therapist if it's possible for you in order to work through some of the feelings that came up in that stressful period. Good luck, and I know you'll make it out ok!
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My boyfriend recently opened up to me about his ex girlfriend's home life. She very rarely comes up in conversation, but when she does, it boils down to us poking fun at her and how little respect she had for herself or her home. From what him and his friends describe, she was very selfish and self centered. She had manipulated, lied and used him. She left him for someone she had been interested in while they were dating. She had also filed for unemployment benefits in order to buy herself a car and had her mother take out a title loan so that she could go on a school trip. Just not a nice person.
We were talking about an exchange program at his school where one of the students went to stay with his ex. They hated it so much there, they ignored her and befriended a girl from a family who lived in a nicer home. Apparently she overheard the exchange students joking about how she (the student), "pulled the short straw" with his ex as her home was horrible and her parents couldn't afford to do much with them. He then told me about her step dad who was an abusive alcoholic. The house they lived in stunk of cat piss and smoke, it was messy and falling apart. He would shout at his wife, his step daughters and even her friends. He told me about how he would pace around the house with all the tvs on full blast while drinking beer. My boyfriend was studying with his gf at the time in her room, he turned down the volume and he stormed into her room, demanding she never touches the tv. My boyfriend explained it was him, when the step dad gets inches away from his face and screams at him hurling abuse. Even when he re-enacted the scene I was shocked. The wife had to pull her husband off of him and apologise.
He had mentioned before he stayed with her out of fear and pity. I didn't believe this because she was in all the dance and theatre clubs at his school and is currently studying drama at college. I assumed you would need to be confident and spoiled in order to live that life. I now feel I understand why he felt that way and feel pretty terrible for the horrible things we joked about and the nasty things I said. It seems that she was trying to escape her home life and create something better for herself. I made a horrible comment at one point about their family's financial situation a while ago and now I feel awful for her family. I feel i've realised I dislike her out of pure jealousy and I've overstepped many boundaries by poking fun at her. I would even get upset when my boyfriend didn't join in with the comments we would make. He doesn't like her, but he would only ever criticise her for her own actions; not those of her family or home life which I feel I did.
I've never met her, and I doubt I will in the future, but I do want to get over the spiteful attitude I've built up over this girl. I feel guilty for the way I've spoken of her. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get over this sense of jealousy but also superiority.
I was with a guy before who told me he thought his ex had bpd. That she was unstable and would get drunk and be all aggressive with him and scream and fight. That she was a bad person because of 'x y and z examples' He brought up her emotional instability more often than seemed normal to me but I just bit my tongue and listened without joining in because I don't know this woman. Then one day we're out for dinner somewhere and she comes up in conversation for the millionth time. He tells me she suffered the most horrific childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her own father who is locked up for it. He talks about a suicide attempt she made while they were dating. A very serious attempt. It's a miracle this woman is still alive. After that I shut him down every time he randomly started bringing her up again. I could not stomach the fact that he'd been badmouthing her to me all that time and how overly petty and harsh it seemed now with that added context. Later on I moved in with this guy and only then I started to get abusive
treatment from him… it was pretty bad by the end but I'm determined not to talk too much shit about him to my next partner.
I wish I had listened to my gut telling me.. how your partner talks about his exes.. is how he'll treat you one day too. If someone can let go and be kind or not dwell too much that's a good thing. Just try to remember that rule, a man who thrashes all his exes and calls them names will only do the same to you too someday. Never play into a man doing that toxic
shit, never encourage it or lead them. It only bites you in the ass.
Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry to hear that was how she was treated and I hope she is doing better now. I am also sorry to hear about your situation with him. Sending you both nothing but the best.
The most my boyfriend would ever really say about her was that she was untidy and he was very upset to hear she had filed for unemployment and used that money to buy a car while her mother worked 2 jobs. He would never mock her homelife, he would never mention anything of the like. The things he would joke about would be times when he was foolish enough to clean up after her or when she was rude to his family. He's very rational and calm.
I would join in with the jokes his friends would make about her. I would get a bit annoyed when they would make fun of her and he wouldn't join in. I wondered if he was in defense of her. It only now clicks with me how he feels. I really regret the things I thought and said of this girl now I know of her homelife.
My boyfriend was the kind one in this situation. I was the one that bad mouthed this girl who has virtually nothing to her name, who never met her father and lives in a horrible household. I want to apologise to him about the things I said about her. I want to get over my own sense of spite.
A lot of these situations arise from a lack of empathy and understanding for how abuse can affect deeply affect someone. People who have had relatively stable lives without a lot of traumatic events will never know what it’s like and have a typically very rigid idea of that if they were in a similar position they would never act like that, which is simply not true. People who are continually being hurt will usually lash out in one of way or another. It’s why abuse is a cycle.
I commend you for having empathy for her after learning more about why the way she is. I also think it’s a good lesson I’m not judging out appearances too harshly. Your ex has a right to be upset for how she treated him, but punching down on the aspects that were caused by the abuse isn’t helpful. I would encourage you to shut down these conversations next time they happen.
Comparing yourself to your current partners ex isn’t healthy and typically boils down to a self esteem issue that has nothing to do with your boyfriend or his ex. I used to do this quite often and I spent a lot of time analyzing the relationship and pitting myself against a stranger while not even enjoying the person I was with fully. Trying to convince him and myself that I was ”better” than some ex really was just me trying to overcompensate for my actual feelings which were really feeling like I didn’t actually deserve a good relationship. Comparison to exes is inevitable occasionally but I would really do some self reflection as to why you would feel inferior to someone that is not in your current partners life anymore. I think you’re on the right path if you’re able to lend this woman some empathy despite your past views on her. Good luck anon.
Thank you so much for your advice, anon. I do have clothes and can manage minimal makeup and your advice about hair will hopefully make it all mesh together.>>265474>>265478
I sometimes wear a light layer of bb cream and don't think it'd cause much issue as my skin isn't that sensitive anymore but thank you for the warning, anon. I do dislike thick foundation for everyday use because it makes skin texture look more obvious and blends in my features though.
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Is there anything I can do about embarrassing memories? Lately I've been reading a book about CBT, and it's been insightful, but reading it makes me remember how embarrassing and immature I was years ago. I keep remembering all the embarrassing shit I posted online, and even though I no longer have any social media, I'm overwhelmed by how goddamn embarrassing and stupid I was in the past.
I don't think I can completely banish embarrassing memories from my head. I'm wondering if there's a method or a mantra I could use to accept the embarrassment for what it is and move on.
Maybe try and forgive your younger self for being a dumbass just try and reason it out like I was literally more immature and it's normal to do stupid shit especially when you are young and still figuring yourself and the world out?
I find as I get older memories that gave me strong negative emotions in the past, the emotions fade the older I get and the more times I recall them.
I have told people about stupid embarrassing shit I did when I was younger and laugh about it, I feel that helped me reduce the negative emotions associated with such memories too.
If it continues to really upset you, you could try EMDR therapy.
I'm doing it this now so can't speak for personally how well it's worked but it's meant to help you process traumatic memories.
Maybe not the best example as the bathtub story is the only
thing people remember about Taft kek
I would ask this in the fashion thread nonny
it's probably going to be more fruitful
NYART, but this seriously touched me, nonnie
. Screencaptured and saved, this is excellent.
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How do I become more comfortable with taking photos of myself? I haven't taken a pic of myself in years and I generally avoid groups if people want to take pictures. I don't even think I'm really ugly I just hate looking at myself
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I’m sitting here in complete shock and I don’t know what to even do. My sisters fiancé had a sudden cardiac arrest and flatlined. He had an undiagnosed heart defect. They revived him but it looks like he’s not gonna make it.
I don’t even know what to say. How am I gonna get my sister through this? They were going to get married in a few months. We loved him like he was our own blood. How do you help someone through the sudden loss of a healthy 32 year old man?? This is going to destroy my sister and I don’t have any idea how or if I’m gonna be able to help her get through this. He’s such a great person and she’s not going to find another man like him. I think this is going to destroy our family.
i'm so sorry for your loss.
anon it's gonna be hard but with time and patience, you will all get through this. she'll never truly get over it but it will get easier to live without him, little by little, even if it will always be painful.
you're probably going to argue and have issues dealing with each other but it's an unfortunate part of the grieving process. just make sure you're always there for each other.
sorry if this isn't very articulate. death is hard to talk about.
It’s fine I appreciate it nonnie
It’s just so unbelievably hard. We lost our dad in 2007, our mom isn’t going to live past a few more years, and it’s just going to be us three broken siblings. It’s just not fair and we’ve been through so much already. I know life isn’t fair but fuck. I just wish we could catch a break.
I can't even imagine the grief you must be feeling right now nonnie
. Please remember through all you're about to go through and through all you're going to support your sister through, to take time for yourself. You're grieving a loss too, and it's going to take some time to process all of this.
Are you seeing a therapist? Is she? If you're not seeing one already, I recommend chatting with a professional, even if it's just to have someone to talk to that's removed from the situation. Having a solid support network outside of this traumatic event is imperative.
Good luck, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
This is very sweet of you but I don't think you're in the position to help with that unfortunately since you live too far away.
When friends helped me quit my addiction, they said "I'm here for you, we can go to X (place I like) and do Y (thing I like), just us enjoying it without substances". They need to be there to offer you something as a substitute, to help you organize your substance-free days and get through them. I really don't see how you can do that from another city.
I was like this a few years ago. One month I walked into a womens clinic and I cried as I sat in the waiting room. I could not stop crying even in public, I was desperate. I thought that it being a womens health clinic they'd have more insight or more to say on it but they prescibed me the pill and didn't offer much advice outside of 'try this' I took the pill for a while and it was the worst thing I could've done. My one week of suicidal thoughts was extended to a whole month of straight up feeling unsafe when left alone with my thoughts. There was no downtime or relief. I went back off the pill and was stressed that I didn't have money to be wasting on appts that offered little help. I went to a regular doctor to maybe get an ssri instead. IME the moment you mention it being tied to hormones docs don't take you seriously. You might have to really be persistant before they listen or you might just want to leave out the cycle part and seek help for more general depression if it means you'll be treated.
I went on something like lexapro or cipramil and it took some edge off. It then passed in time and I slowly weaned off the meds. Looking back I've always been prone to depression already, that and I was in an unhappy/abusive
relationship att but was essentially in denial about that. I removed myself from the bad relationship/living situation and I moved somewhere nicer. I don't know how much that played a role in helping. I suspect hormones were just the tipping point when I had underlying stressors. I still get slightly low or tearful every month but nowhere near the same extent as before.
We have a PMDD thread, not the most active thread but might be worth reading>>>/g/174083
>>266339>I took the pill for a while and it was the worst thing I could've done
Fuck this makes me worried because I started taking it a few days ago precisely because I want to see if it will get better>>266332
Thanks for the info!>>266334
Not saying that it wouldn't work, but what exactly is in meat that would make the mood swings worse?
>>266391>what exactly is in meat that would make the mood swings worse?
I have no idea, I just know it works. I discovered it by accident.>worse
I have no mood swings at all when I don't eat meat.
This might be kind of dramatic, but my apartment has a gym, I love the convenience and it’s really nice… but there’s a guy who has started coming at the same time I do who will genuinely just moan his way through every workout. Fine, whatever, it’s not a Planet Fitness where there’s a “NO JEANS, NO ‘ROIDS AND ABSOLUTELY NO GRUNTING!” poster every five feet, but I’ve noticed something— When I go with my bf, or if there’s another man already there, he’s relatively quiet, but last night it was me, him, and another woman in there and he was genuinely sounding like Adam in any sex scene of his in Girls (the HBO show) and it just kept getting more and more loud and ridiculous.
Mind you, he wasn’t lifting extremely heavy weights or doing anything that strenuous, and he is pretty obviously in at least decent shape, not a “gym bro”, but clearly not unwell. I’m not a bodybuilder by any means, but doing lunges with a set of 15 lb barbells, like he does, generally does not coerce so much as a deep sigh out of me. He also will finish a set, then “walk it off” aka pace around and linger by you. This isn’t like a sad little hotel gym with 2 treadmills and a couple dumbbells either, like there’s more than enough room and stations for this to not happen.
Inb4 “oh just ignore it”— I wear noise cancelling earbuds, keep my music at max volume, and it’s still audible. Also, that seems to make it worse. Most of the time, if another girl comes in, she’ll do her thing for like 5 minutes before getting visibly annoyed and leaving. The other woman in there last night was viscerally uncomfortable (we both kept giving each other the “what the fuck” look) but we both seemed to just do our best to ignore him, but he kept fucking ramping it up with the obnoxious moans and panting, regularly looking up to see if we’d pay attention. Eventually he was “walking it off” and came right up next to me, close enough to feel his breath and I just, without looking at him, muttered “are you serious?” and grabbed my shit and left. Maybe unwarranted, but I was pissed.
Part of me wants to leave a note on the door tonight before I know he’d be there but I don’t want to be that passive aggressive. I feel like emailing management is also obnoxious. My boyfriend said next time I go alone, to just text him and he’ll come say something if he’s there being a freak again, but that feels entirely too much. I know it’s a pretty minor inconvenience, but seeing it make other women uncomfortable too, to the point that they’re up and leaving most of the time is what really bugs me. I want to address it, I just don’t want to be a busybody about it, ya know?
Ok now I feel dumb for not doing that in the first place because there are
cameras in the gym but I wasn’t sure if they picked up sound, that’s a good idea.
>>266562>Should I open a new secret bank account that she doesn't have access to?
Yes what the fuck, it's insane that she'd have access to any of your accounts at all. And cut up your credit card so you don't get deeper in debt.
How sure are you that she'd kick you out as opposed to just throw a tantrum and threaten you? I think it's worth refusing just to call her bluff. If it turns out she's really gonna kick you out then you can start paying for shit again I guess but you should still try to set boundaries.
If the thing she's holding over you is kicking you out (and the reason she feels entitled to treat you like a kid or to take from you is likely you still living at home too) you should look into options for getting out on your own and cutting all ties in terms of finances or relying on her to co-sign anything. I don't know if you can access a form of reduced or assisted housing or even go into some debt for it and worry about the repayments later but to be out from under a parent like this its often worth taking that hit.
It's harsh in a way but accepting free board from a someone, even a parent once you're an adult can lead to this bs. Bit different but I was in a relationship years ago where I lived with a guy who didn't ask me to pay rent. He would hold that 'power to kick me out' over me from time to time to get his way or he'd hit me up for money sporadically with no warning sometime leaving me short of money for small things like toiletries. I eventually realised you can't 'take' from people like that without paying them back somehow. The only escape is to stop taking and you'll break the cycle of them feeling owed.
I'm exactly the same. I am so scattered brained, it's so frustrating. >>266664
Would it be ADHD if I was normal as a kid? As far as I remember, at least.
Yes I have it. I love my bf of many years a lot and I still have it. Someone once told me it's because women are inherently innocent and sex for pleasure is not really in built for us.
They may be right or wrong but I did think about this for a while. I do think sex is very primal and it satisfies the body but I'm very emotional and in my head a lot so sex for me doesn't do much. I do enioy it I suppose but I don't find it as a build to my character and sometimes I feel dirty for ages. Not abused or anything like that I should say, I just feel as though sex is not as a necessity as society makes it out to be. Just my 2 cents.
I've had very sexually active phases before followed by long phases of no sex, like years of no sex after phases of having fwbs. For every period of time where I could've been judged as being a whore.. there was equally a long sexless period too. I cant decide if I'm frigid or a whore. Which should define me? lol
But if you at all think the feeling of regret runs deeper than 'people would judge me' maybe listen to the feeling. All depends on what you think is causing it though. Do you have underlying issues with the guys or do you think it's a more general feeling that women are damned if we do and damned if we don't? Tbh sometimes the shit anons say on here will feed into that worry if you're already feeling a certain way. Be mindful of that.
I know this is old but sex for pleasure is 100% built in for us and technically only us considering we have the only non-reproductive sensitive genitalia???
You don’t have to be religious or abused to have sexual suppression when the anti female sexuality culture is part of secular society. Feeling dirty because of sex is literally that, no offence.
Women are not brought up seeing sexualised images and narratives of men, female children internalise slut shaming early on and it’s standard fare for women to interact with your own sexuality as a character in a performance for males. This isn’t any more innate than “Lie back and think of England” messaging. Damn.
You need to spend some time touching your entire body and masterbating alone while thinking of pleasant possibly non sexual things and comfortably joking through your thoughts. That might help you begin to experience sexual pleasure as it is, devoid of gift giving trade offs and romantic depersonalisation.>>266702
Anon, remember that the idea of you being bad for having sex only exists as your own opinion. The person you had sex with doesn’t feel that way and you know you are regurgitating propaganda designed to make you marry some crazy amish man, so it isn’t true and literally doesn’t exist.
You have one life and were lucky enough to be born in such an amazing female body, understand that you’re a human being born to enjoy yourself and there really are no other rules. You can definitely get over it. Think of the people overcome by such brainwashing that they died never being able to enjoy their bodies so easily. Feeling like a whore is basically envying those mistreated women and designating yourself to a christian harem where you owe your virginity to Father Grumpkin Jeddediah and have betrayed him or something.
>>267489>I think you’re account will look really intimate or that you don’t use it much and aren’t trying to be an influencer, which is refreshing.
I hadn't thought of that, thank you so much for you input. I'll proceed to not give a fuck!>>267490
I'm glad to hear you've never had any problems. I'm realizing again I keep overthinking over the smallest shit… And thank you so much! I hope it goes well.
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How do I work on coming across more confident?
I constantly self sabotage myself by appearing uncertain. Even if I'm 100% certain about something (my abilities, something I have read somewhere, etc), people don't believe me and doubt what I say. This has affected me both in my personal and my professional life
You can also work on your posture. Try to walk with a straight back, shoulders relaxed and pushed back a bit, neck extended and your chin up. Try to look at people in the eyes, even if it feels weird at first. Don't hesitate to take your time to answer, you're allowed to think before you say anything. Avoid speaking too fast, and speaking in a low and deeper voice might also help.
In short, pretend you are a dignified wise old woman that has the final say on everything.
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How can I stop being a contrarian?
I feel like my opinions can swing wildly and I find myself arguing for something I might not really support that much if I feel like someone is misrepresenting or misunderstands that thing or if someone is overly supportive of something I feel a huge urge to but in and tell them why something isn't perfect.
It's exhausting and I want to stop I think it drives people away from me.
Ask yourself where that behaviour comes from. Were you raised to believe people only listen to you when you're disagreeing? Or did you/your family suffer negative consequences from idealism and believing in unexamined truths?
Once you know the source, you can talk or journal about different ways to process and deal with that history, and start imagining yourself as a more sympathetic person who people enjoy being around
How do you stop being disgusted with family. I want to go no contact but I've never done it before. There are things I don't know how to forgive then for the older I get the harder it is, to not see how toxic
they are. I have no friends anymore they all went their separate ways, or became so busy we drifted apart.
But I don't care I really want to stop ultimately feeling awful as a result of trying to get along with my family. I have no support network. I'm so furious at them more and more older I get. Ideally I want to permanently erase them from my mind.
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You mean like a helix piercing? One week is nothing in terms of healing ime. They take forever to heal, mine took probably 5 or 6 months to stop hurting enough to sleep on them. Try resting your head on top of one of those neck pillows, lay your head so that your ear is resting in the middle of the opening of the neck pillow. See the queen in picrel for an example
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How do I became a more cheerful person if my default mood is sadness?
I am not depressed or anything like that, I just noticed in myself that I'm drawn to sad, dark movies, tend to notice negative things first in everything and tend to complain a lot. Also, this was brought to my attention by a friend, I don't think I would have noticed it if she doesn't mention it. It was genuinely surprising to me when I noticed that I feel neutral about things that makes most people uncomfortable (death, depression, suicide, etc)
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How can I overcome my ridiculous, childish-level fear of intimacy?
I started dating much later than other people because of said fear and even when dating I just couldn't tell about it to anyone because it feels like telling someone you're dating is a super vulnerable position and would be like giving ammunition to others to shoot you. I've recently told a family member I'm seeing someone and she became super excited because I never told her anything about this area of my life. But then in another, later conversation she mentioned an art installation and asked me if I feel like going to it with 'my boyfriend'. And there, at that moment, I felt like as if someone had slapped me and I lost it. I started crying and told her that he is not my boyfriend, it means nothing at all, and I could break up with him at this very moment. Then I slammed the phone on her.
Looking back I know it's ridiculous and I behaved like a fucking child but I felt betrayed and humiliated. My therapist comforted me and told me that it's perfectly reasonable to not talk about my relationships to anyone but it's just the fact that doing the opposite makes me feel and behave this extreme way is what bothers me.
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how do i cope with spending my birthday alone, for yet another year?
i feel deeply embarrassed to admit that im sobbing as i write this but i spent my last birthday inpatient, alone, in a cold bedroom that resembled a cell, surrounded by severely mentally ill folk (traumatizing to say the least)
and this year, im in a completely new city with zero friends or family to socialize or gather with. im very shy and suffer with social anxiety due to prolonged isolation which led to two recently failed acquaintanceships and made me want to just quit trying.
>older TiM borderline trying to groom me
>gay narc moid who makes everything about himself, his sex life, and of course just sex in general.
i feel like such a failure as most people my age have hyper-active social lives and celebrate their birthdays with joy and extravagance. cake, blowing out candles, a few drinks, pictures, just a nice night out.
any advice is appreciated and much love nonas
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Happy birthday nonny
! There are many ways to celebrate your birthday- and going out and having an extravagant event is only one of them. I think there are more people than you think who are very lowkey about their birthday or don't celebrate it at all. Of course the people who talk about celebrating their birthday are the people who make a big deal out of it, so it seems like everyone is out there having a huge social life when that isn't exactly true. In my experience, even my friends who do have huge dinners or things for their birthdays don't do it every year. Some birthdays are more lowkey than others, but again it just seems like everyone does a big thing for their birthday because that's the only time they'll post/talk about it.
I hope you can still fill that day with all of your favorite things and celebrate yourself. Watch your favorite movie or TV show, listen to your favorite album, or maybe order a pizza/make your favorite meal and get yourself a cake or a small gift as a treat. What's important is that you're celebrating you! It sounds like you've already made a lot of progress this year so please don't think of yourself as a failure. To go from an inpatient unit to living on your own in a city is a big accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself for making such a big transition and of course things (like friends, social life) won't fall into place immediately. It's all about baby steps. I also moved to a city by myself a little while ago and from the first year I was still pretty alone. It takes time to build a network so cut yourself some slack if you don't feel completely settled in yet. In the mean time, I hope you can be kind to yourself! You sound like you've made a lot of effort this year and that really counts for something anon.
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happy birthday nonnie
! i agree with what >>269131
said. i'm 21 now and since my 15th birthday i've spent them alone. it can seem painful at first sure, but there's no shame in just buying yourself something nice to eat or a gift you've been wanting for a while and having that be it. in my mind there's really no need to spend your special day with people you really are not that close with. just focus on yourself. if you have the money for it, splurge nonna.
Happy birthday, nonna! Listen, you're doing better than you were doing last year, and that's what matters! I bet, had you been inpatient this year, too, you would've felt significantly worse, and I would also bet you promised yourself that would be the last birthday you ever spent inpatient, so congratulations for sticking to your goal and reaching it!
As for suggestions, try going to a park to read a book (that's what I would do - I spent my last birthday alone, too). Or try to go to a cafe to read a book, stay on your laptop, read a magazine… Find a secluded spot, where you're somehow surrounded by people, but not having to interact with them. Buy something delicious to eat or drink. Do a yoga flow, an easy one, do some abs, some push-ups - I find that helps me a lot with trying take control back over my life. Again, happy birthday, and good luck!
i feel you nonnie
. i hate thinking about my birthday every year, it feels so humiliating. i don't have advice but know you're not alone in this.
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why do people literally, physically turn their back to me, or walk away from me? am i hallucinating this? i have severe sleep problems, so, it is possible. or is this normal in some cultures? i don't express anything weird, i am just trying to make small talk, ask people about their day and hobbies, i am trying to be polite, clean and friendly. i don't express anything extreme in real life or online, i have no reputation, i am completely new to this place.
this used to happen when i had sleep problems many years ago. people would just get up and leave when i talked to them??? i don't understand this. i never say anything offensive or weird. gifrel is dramatic but is basically how it feels
Why would you want to tell that: you want her to redo your hair? But how are you imagine this - since you didn’t even had a precise request to start with
Or you want a refund
Or you just want to express your feelings, that you didn’t like her view of “cute”
You didn't answer any of the questions that anon asked you. Think about what you actually want to get out of the situation. If all you want is to complain and express frustration to her then fine, tell her how you feel. Just understand that>she doesn't know you or what you like >she didn't receive any guidance from you>you didn't offer enough feedback as it was happening to prevent this outcome
You have every right to be upset and to complain but you need to seriously consider what you can realistically expect from this woman.
Most hairdressers do not like when someone gives them a super vague request and they have to go off very little to come up with something you would like.
Did you tell her you wanted a drastic change? Like a whole new hairstyle or just "a change" because she may not have even understood you were expecting a big difference from your normal hair.
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ayrt, thank you nonas for the genuine, meaningful advice, i seriously appreciate it.
i struggle a lot with my self-esteem so it's not often that im reminded to treat myself. in some cases, ill even feel bad for doing so. will definitely splurge on myself this year! virtual hugs to you all!
I've just come to realize that I'm going to finish my degree next year, and that I'll probably end up friendless again because I'm studying in another city different from my hometown. That means I'm never going to hang out again with the group of friends I've made here.
I can't seem to make lasting friendships, I've cut contact with my childhood friends and whenever I meet new people over the internet I seem to click with, they always end up ghosting me. My relationship with them never lasts more than 6 months.
Tbh, I dont know what to do. I crave meeting new people, but I dont know how. Discord servers seem to be full of trannys, special snowflakes and minors. I feel like I'm too much of a weirdo to try meeting people through apps. It's like I'm stuck in this weird social limbo, incapable of fitting in. Today, I remembered the lolcow Friend Finder Thread, but I dont really know if any anons have found it useful…
Any advice? Any websites that have helped you connect with other people? Should I just try to forget about this?
I feel like, in the future, I'll end up become a full-time lolcow resident, kek. As much as I dont want to admit it, this place is the only website I always return to and feel comfortable with.
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Is it possible to "renegotiate" your relationship with a damaged parent instead of cutting them off?
I am coming to terms with being emotionally and physically neglected in my childhood (as well as sexual abuse that I thought wasn't that bad compared to other people's traumas).
But all resources about healing brand the parents as toxic, narcissistic etc and that doesn't really describe my mom. She has plenty of negative antisocial traits but I think she loves me as best she can, we have warm affectionate moments and she isn't a bitch 24/7. I also know she has a history of abuse and neglect too, and everything I'm learning about myself also applies to her.
She made my childhood an insecure scary experience, but I think she was numb and didn't know how to do better. She's not sadistic. I hope.
I think it's really hipocritical that these psychologists and authors say we need radical empathy for ourselves despite our flaws and mistakes, but at the same time our parents, who have the same or worse trauma, are lost causes who don't even deserve a phone call on Christmas.
My mom was abandoned by her parents and raised by an ill relative who couldn't provide for her. Yes, she did a bad job of raising her own kids, but the idea that she will be abandoned again because she's "not good enough" at skills she was never taught just breaks my heart.
On the other hand, I fantasize about her just magically exiting my life and it gives me such relief. I am independent but there is a constant chord of tension in my life ratcheting up to every weekly phone call with her. She exhausts me and makes me feel like shit most of the time I see her. Partly because she's negative and critical, but also because seeing her being so dysfunctional is stressful because I care about her.
Is my abandonment essentially her karma for not figuring out how to parent properly? I often think I just need to wait it out because she's old and who knows how much time she has left.
It's not as easy as dropping into a friend group while studying, but you can still do it. You'll likely find new friends when you get into the working world as well.
And as other anon said, meeting people irl is much better than finding them online. As an adult I've made close friends through work, casual sports leagues and hobbies like TTRPGs. I even met a good friend by walking my dog at the park. But you have to start seeing friendships as a garden to care for, rather than just a random thing that happens to you.
Problem with online friendships is it's the last resort for connection made by people with fewer social skills. They are usually very sensitive to rejection and things fizzle quickly if you don't have the same interest. Don't take it personally.
You just have to put yourself in social situations repeatedly. If you go to the gym or sign up for a fitness class you'll see the same people on specific days and eventually start talking to them. It's why the biggest advice you see online is to just go out and meet people. Even going to the same cafe at specific times means you're more likely to see the same people.
It's hard to do especially if you feel like you're too weird. I prefer group chats which is why the friend finder thread isn't really for me, I found a server via ovarit but they mostly just complain about gender politics. I think online friendships are fine but just like irl friendships you need more than just one thing to get along.
Anon, I think your on to something admirable.
You sound like you have a sense of compassion and empathy that surpasses the capacity of most.
It also Sounds that through your healing you developed into a person that understand the loop of trauma and it has made you into full person not guided by hurt.
Renegotiation sounds like a strong and powerful sense of breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma.
I wish you all the boundaries and strength to follow through and have a meaningful relationship. She did her best and still sounds like she wants to try. Abandonment is a helluva drug.
>have nintendo switch
>originally bought for animal crossing when it first released but didn't enjoy it
>sits in bedroom gathering dust for two years
>fast forward to now
>21 year old cousin wants a "clean start" and moves in with us
>clearly anxious and bored all the time
>feel bad for him, offer up my switch but tell him to keep it upstairs in the living room
>he does so, for the most part, but asks me if he can take it to his room sometimes
>i usually say okay and tell him I appreciate him asking
>found out very recently that when I'm not home he takes it to his room anyways for hours on end
I feel retarded for being annoyed over this console situation. Although this guy is an adult, he has a lot of childish attributes (needs to constantly entertain himself, wants to go to vegas/buy an extremely expensive guitar/etc but doesn't even consider paying child support for his 1 year old, goes silent if he doesn't get his way, etc). And it's not like he's home alone either - my mom's here and she tells me he's always saying he'll help her out with chores but never follows through. Instead, he just plays on the switch in his bedroom all day. I'm thinking I'll have a talk with him, tell him I don't mind him using my switch, but explain WHY I have that 'living room only' rule (I don't want him thinking it's his and treating it like garbage) and tell him when I'm not around, to ask my mom about it. Thoughts? Is that sensible? Any idea how I can word my explanation better? My other idea was to just keep it locked up in my room while I'm gone, but that's just petty lol.
i don't have the answers but i just wanted to say i understand where you are coming from completely and i am in a very similar situation. my mother actually is a pretty typical narc but even past all of the terrible shit she has said and done to me i still can only see her as a sick person because of the horrendous trauma she's lived through. my partner says this is me being codependent or manipulated etc but i dont feel that way.
i find so much of the current literature surrounding dynamics with toxic
parents to be reductive and extreme. theres no variance or nuance, no taking into account different situations and how different people cope with issues in their life. you can go on subreddits and read articles but they all echo the same sentiment of basically hating the parent and detaching completely. for me, that doesn't feel right and (just like you!) i know she brings me stress and i would probably be relieved if i never had to speak with her again, but i dont think that is the right and healthy option for me. if she passed and i was no contact i feel like i'd regret it for the rest of my life.
i think your idea of combining empathy with boundaries is a good balance. don't let people online or irl convince you this is being weak or that you aren't doing enough. you seem incredibly well adjusted and like you've spent plenty of time reflecting on the situation and considering your options–follow your intuition. either way i am sorry you had to go through so much and felt unsafe throughout your early life. i wish you love and fulfillment and happiness and healing.
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How do I stop being envious and stop comparing myself to others? I swear, if I overcame these two habit, I'd be perfectly happy.
I'm one of those people who cannot go to Facebook or LinkedIn without getting a panic attack about how much better everyone's doing in their life and without spiraling into despair over all the opportunities I had but missed. My solution was/is to obviously avoid these sites but I feel like this is not the solution
I know exactly what kind of mindset you're talking about anon, went through the same thing in my childhood, nothing was ever enough, any hobby I picked up I had to compete and win for it to not be a waste of time, and I was constantly compared to my friends and classmates. It's all subtle but leaves you with a serious issues as an adult.
Getting better is going to be a long process. There are no shortcuts, as in "when you do X you'll stop feeling like this", we're talking about re-wiring your brain from something you were conditioned to think in your most important, formative years. I'm seeing a therapist (about this and few other things) and I definitely recommend that but a few general tips that can really help would be
1. Stop looking at facebook and linkedin, this is 100% valid
and helpful solution actually. And I mean it, block both if you have to, even if just temporarily, you'll most likely very soon see that you didn't need it at all in your life in the first place. If you need to stay in touch with people, you can use messenger separately from facebook. I'm sure you are aware that what you see on social media is just a tiny chunk of other people's lives, often embellished to make them seem happier and more successful than they actually are. I'm sure if you really tried just cherrypicking few things from your life and experience you could create a fake profile of a happy and accomplished person someone else would look at and be envious about as well. But that still leads us to:
2. Identify what exactly you're envious of and why. Let's say you see a person A who is an amazing and accomplished artist and person B who has a great career in IT sector. Both lives seem amazing and you'd love to be either of them. But then, when you really think about it, do you have a passion for any of these things? Think about a long path and hard work that both require to achieve success. Maybe you'll see that you only really love to admire art and imagine that would impress others as much as it impresses you, but creating doesn't give you any joy. Why torment yourself with dreaming of something that you don't even enjoy doing, just for a fleeting admiration of others that will just come and go? But let's say that you think about it and realize that you do have a genuine interest in IT, then:
3. What are you doing to achieve it? If you're just looking at succesful people and let that paralyze you, it will get you nowhere, which I'm sure you know. Let yourself learn and be imperfect. Regularly set a little time aside to practice. Set very small, achieveable goals. If possible, find other people who are learning just like you do, and get inspired by their process, not the final picture of someone else's effort you see in passing on social media. Think how good you want to be and what it will give you, because the most important thing is for you to be happy for yourself, not for others. Maybe you'll discover you don't need to be world known specialist to be happy. Or maybe you'll discover that you do and it will push you to work really hard. Either way, think about it, and not through the lens of achieving a pat on the head from your mom, or a like under your social media post, but as something you'll look back at in 20 years and how it will make you feel.
4. Practice mindfulness and consider gratitude journaling. From the simplest mindfulness of the body at first and then slowly progressing to mindfulness of your emotions and needs. This will require regular practice and I don't know what's your view on meditation, but if you're a sceptic as I've used to be, I swear this really helps and at least give it a shot for 2-3 weeks, see how you feel. Gratitude journaling may feel really forced and disingenuous in the beginning but with time it will become more natural and is a good process to really see and feel your brain rewiring from negative thought processes.
Sorry it's so long, I hope at least not too chaotic. It's going to take a lot of time, a lot of practice and a lot of failing to unlearn this unhealthy comparison, but don't give up. I'm not an expert, still in the process but even though I still feel like shit sometimes, I can very clearly see it's nothing like it was a few years ago. So fingers crossed you'll feel the same and know how to be proud of that.
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should i apologize for bad vibes/possibly triggering somebody while being on shrooms, schizzing out at a party? i talked about something that i heard them bring up, they probably didn't, i don' know, and it was negative. (i ranted about some scrotes.) then they asked me if i was okay and if i had any traumas. before this party they asked if there should be any topics we avoid in case they're triggering to me. i should've thought, this goes vice versa, and at least try staying on positive topics the whole time. i met some people for the first time there and kinda don't want it to be the last.
… what should.. your friend do? i wouldn't have acted that cringe sober, but, it was my fault for taking drugs around people i have just met. i should have known better. but i also don't want them to feel sorry for me in case the apology was not needed. i should offer something other than uhh my mental illness.
>>270484>more 'feminine' friendship with me since he has a girlfriend
Kek oh yeah he wants a feminine friendship all right, the type where you share the same bed and everything. You seriously think just because a guy has a gf he won't flirt with female friends he thinks are cute? >>270496
is completely on point, he's putting out feelers to see if he could hook up with you. not all meeeen but seriously mature healthy men would not awkwardly flirt and attempt a pseudo-relationship with you like he's been doing, so that just makes him a garden variety perv and would-be cheater.
Ugh, I hate that you're probably right. I've been keeping this guy at a healthy distance and leaving him on read if he gets too weird, so I'm glad my bullshit meter is still calibrated to detect this stuff. One thing I neglected to consider is that men are generally horny bastards, and what would be "I have a crush" behaviour in women is almost always "just wanna smash" behaviour in men. Gross.>>270494
Yes and yes, although usually yee yee men where we're from use terms of endearment much more sparingly.
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Never trust "feminine" men who are friends with a lot of women. It's just another strategy, and they're arguably more manipulative than the average scrote
Before going to bed I pick something positive to think about while I fall asleep. Like a nice fantasy about going on a date, planning a wedding (fun stuff like colour schemes, not budgeting or logistics), or places I want to travel to. Just anything lighthearted and simple. When I feel my thoughts straying I tell myself "no I'll think about that later" and go back to the idea I chose. Sometimes it was tough and I had to redirect myself over and over, but it gets easier with practice. After a few months of this I have no problems falling asleep.
I recommend choosing a time in the evening to work through the worries that trouble you at night. Like take 20-25 minutes to write down all your anxious thoughts and get them out of your head. Do this every day and make a habit of it. That way at night, you'll have already processed some of those difficult things, and when you say "not now, later" there really is
a later time to worry.
The other anon has some good advice wrt white noise. I would add that you should put it on a timer for 30min so it doesn't play all night and disrupt your sleep.
Also congrats on having a boyfriend who loves you. Obviously he can't be with you all the time, but if you need more reassurance from him then you should ask. If he says no or makes a half hearted effort, then you might want to reconsider your relationship. What's the point in keeping a moid around if he can't meet your emotional needs yknow?
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>did my nails today, inverse pattern on opposite hand
>wake up at 5a to do it, finish at 9
>realize it’s trans flag colors during buttsex month
Do I redo these nails to not troon colors?
Idk if I’m overthinking it but I’m super insecure about this now that I realize it. I just started training a ftm aiden at work and I don’t want to send out the signal that I’m an ‘ally’ during alphabet month. I don’t talk about gc ever, I just stay neutral outwardly and try to be nice and respectful.
At the same time they’re so cute imo and I spent a lot of time on them
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Tips on how to keep some things private even if you live together with someone? I keep an irl journal and I just want to went in it without worry.
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How do I handle sudden depressive mood swings?
I don't think I'm mentally ill in that way, I think it's pretty normal at my age to have mood swings, I just don't know how to handle the sudden feelings of worthlessness or sadness. I want to be able to handle it.
You just have to live with it if you want to keep your friendship with him, nonnie
. Try and look at it a different way; you have great chemistry with him as a friend, but if you were to get into a relationship with him it probably wouldn't feel the same anymore. Plus you'd run the risk of eventually breaking up with him, and then you wouldn't get to have him in your life at all without it being weird.
How long have you had the crush for? Since you first knew him? If it hasn't been that long, it'll probably pass. I usually find that I crush on a friend for a few months, and then I'll notice something about them that turns me off and everything will go back to normal. If it's been for the whole two years, you might just need to learn to simp from a distance or distract yourself with another crush.
You probably don't act cringe at all, it's just your brain overthinking things when you're in a social situation with a lot of people. If he's reflecting your energy, he obviously doesn't think you're embarrassing.
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Idk where to post this but how do you start dressing however you want without shame?
Such a dumb question but I noticed that I avoid anything showing my waist because I have none. Literally none, I look like a mtf troon with small boobs. I'm skinny with some muscle mass and broad shoulders which I like about myself but the lack of waist is making me feel a lot less feminine than it should. Been dressing like a tomboy since I was a kid but I'd like to try to wear more stuff like picrel, or at least croptops. Idk man
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Fellow broad woman, be proud of your powerful body. I used to hate mine too, but once I'd embraced it I got a lot more confident. You sound like you'd look good in a crop anyway, if you're skinny with some muscle tone.
Maybe try looking up fashion advice for rectangular/triangle bodies. Skirts and dresses than cinch at the waist and then widen at the bottom (skater skirts etc) can make your waist look proportionately slimmer.
Whether you like her or not, Meghan Markle is quite good at dressing her body well even though she's also broad like us.
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Am I an idiot for majoring in CS if I have no real love for it? My thought process when picking the major was roughly:
>My interests (Visual Art, Music, etc.) would be retarded to major in; I'm not talented or driven enough to excel in creative fields.
>But I also don't want to major into anything that looks too "easy"…or is too easy.
>Figure that if I end up working some shoddy generic office job out of uni (which is my goal, honestly, just something that pays reasonably well), it will be easier to eventually(ish) transition into higher-paying programming work if I have a degree in CS. I see lots of people who go back to school who major in CS, regretting their first choice. My courses were full of ex-english, psych, etc. majors.
>Also think a degree in CS will show employers that I'm ultimately smart enough to handle excel sheets or whatever the fuck. My GPA is sitting at 3.2 right now.
I'm not the best programmer. I'm going to be a little in debt, but nothing too crazy because I started out at community college and transferred into university with a semi-cushy scholarship .
I feel retarded but at the same time I'm like, realistically, I'd be in this exact same situation had I majored in literally anything else because I have a chronic lack of love for life. At the same time, I'm honestly not…beating myself up over anything either, because in a way I do think it's incredible that I'm going to have a degree. At 16, I really thought I'd be dead before I hit 23.
Don't worry anon, I think you are on a good path. I went the opposite route, loved art and design, so I got a general arts degree. Obviously ended up with no job prospects after school, clawed my way into programming and now, luckily, making decent money. I like programming but do see at a job rather than a career, which is ok if it means the same to you. Also, a lot of tech companies have good benefits, flexible time off, etc, so you'd likely be able to have time and money to enjoy the more creative stuff you like without the anxiety of having no money. Hope that helps!
NTA and sorry to butt in: You're reminding me a bit of myself and I'm at a crossroads right now trying to decide what to do. I'm trying to get certified in various Adobe programs to see if I can land a small time job in the graphic design field. One anon in another thread said she was doing stuff like making stuff transparent for people, nothing too difficult. The idea of designing logos for a client is really boring for me and deadline work isn't my strong suit. Creative stuff clicks better for me but I also don't want to risk burnout and hating doing creative stuff on my own time. So I'm not sure which way to go. Seems that anon lucked out and I don't know if the same will be said for me.
I want to learn programming, and so far the basic stuff is understandable for me, just sort of as a back up, so I don't get burnt out. But I feel like getting good enough at it to be employable seems like a long shot. What was your process in learning it? It's been hard for me to refocus on learning programming with the Adobe suite stuff, and I kind of avoid it since it's still unfamiliar to me. Signed up for a few things like Odin Project, and freecodecamp has helped a lot too, but it's hard for me to want to get started on it.
I say having your options open is a good thing (knowing at least some design and development skills). It’s still rare for a designer to understand even the basics of the web, and vice versa for devs. Knowing even a little bit about both sides is immensely helpful and would be a plus to employers. This is, though, assuming you’d want to go into web/app/product design. I never did print or branding work.
I totally get trying to learn two different things at the same time on your own could be hard to balance. From my perspective (web), I don’t think getting certifications for Adobe programs would be worth much. That might be different if you want to do production stuff, like the anon who removes background/makes transparent elements), branding, or print work.
My process of learning was a mess honestly, and took me longer than it needed to actually learn the skills since I had undiagnosed ADHD at the time At least know if my dumb ass could do it, it’s possible for you too! I also had a really hard time starting and sticking to it, especially free programs, though they are helpful and I still sometimes reference them. If you have the self-discipline I 100% believe you can learn how to code for free. I, personally, needed the structure and financial pain of a paid program to actually stick to it. So yeah, basically, I’d suggest focusing your attention on freecodecamp or similar coding “bootcamp” and simultaneously learning a web design program like Figma, Sketch, or Adobe XD (if you already have creative suite). If you are already a good designer and have even one or two web/app designs to show that’d be enough.
I majored in cs and don't love it. It's fine; having a high paying and desirable job means you can find time and money for your actual passions outside of work.
Try to get into more backend stuff if you're really neutral. Even if you don't become a programmer, CS skills are hugely valuable in a lot of fields, and there's many different/related areas you can only really get a good feel for after college, so eventually you probably will gain preferences, at the very least.
Also don't underbelly yourself, tons of people in the field never even studied CS or did one shitty boot camp and called it a day. A proper CS trained average programmer is leagues above irl working average programmers, there's so much shit code out in the real world you have no idea.
For your optional classes or personal studies keep an eye out for AI, cloud, and databases. First 2 are super trendy, last is always handy to have. Try to get a little exp with unit testing as well before you graduate and you'll be a super valuable job candidate! Just remember to be super firm about hours and don't let shitty companies overwork you once you're in the field. I've never worked overtime in my entire life and I make 156k with only a couple years experience, you can do it. Good luck nonny
Try looking into UI/UX design first, see if you can get a certification or take a class. Might be easier with your background, and it will give you a good way of getting into a technical role. If you go for a different sub-field later the knowledge will still be useful. I think they're on the upswing in terms of hiring desirability, too.
Nta but hmmmmmmm very interesting, nonnie
try to predict when those mood swings happen and why. for example I get suicidal close to my period or if the weather is bad.
once I know the depression is irrational (it mostly is), I can more easily reason with myself. the mood sing may not go away, but at least I know it's not gonna be like that forever and I'm not actually in the pit of hell.
then watch a happy show, or ideally spend time with people. go for a walk in the sun, force yourself to laugh at shit. idk, it's horrible and I hate it but this has helped me.
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I'm going to take a gap year where I will have to do all sorts of projects to build a portfolio. Should I leech of my parents totally or should I take a part time job? For context, I'm from a lower middle class family, but I have extremely nice parents who are fine with me doing nothing for a year. I would feel more independent if I had more money in my account, but I would be also loosing a lot of precious time. There is also a third option where I could start to learn a lot about coding just to be able to do that on the side in the future (I already made my own website but it's very basic) but I don't know how realistic that is. Please nonnas, what would you do ?
Also fellow EE
Google around for the hotel and ESPECIALLY the agency is you are going through one. Ask online or irl if anyone has worked there before and what it's like.
We already get treated like shit outside for being EE and "foreingers", be sure it's legit.
I have an older friend (50's) and he has a teen son (17) who I'm concerned about.
The son doesn't have a lot of friends at school and has gotten beaten up and bullied a lot. My friend tells me his son is troubled.
What's concerning to me, I think his son might be being groomed by someone. The other day I was like, "oh hey, where's (son) today?" and my friend told me, oh, he's at his friend's house-
Anyway, the "friend" is a 28-year old MTF who recently trooned out- and apparently has a history of having a living situation not work out due to developing A CRUSH ON THE TEEN SON OF THE LANDLORD….
I told my friend that sounded red flaggy but he seems to think that outright forbidding stuff just makes it likely that teens will disobey you and do it anyway.
I don't know the son well but based on my brief interactions with him, he's at high risk for being groomed based on his personality- he's intelligent and doesn't fit in with peers.
I'm in my early 30s and don't use social media so I can't just e-stalk the son or anything but Nonas, the alarm bells were SCREAMING at me.
What, if anything, should I do? Is my friend a moron for letting his teen son stay late out with a 28 year old creepy Troon??
(I live in an extremely "woke" place so we all have to pretend like that detail isn't relevant)
Don't laugh, but also don't fight him on it. Just be like "…. anyway," and change the subject or walk away. If there are other people around, ignore him and talk to them. If it's just you two alone, then leave. Bonus points if you make a disgusted/disappointed face at him for just a moment and then look away.
Shame him. He should be ashamed.
, I really relate. Wish I had some advice for you, but I do know where you’re coming from. People have told me there’s always world events making things shitty, life goes on, don’t stress things you can’t control, etc, but I feel more depressed and anxious about the future than ever. It feels like everyone is complacent (including myself, which fuels my self-hate even more kek) and everything will only get worse. Sorry this isn’t helpful, but for what it’s worth, I understand.
Yes. I get that, too. It's not that often though so I cherish it.
Sometimes I'll find a new game and feel very excited to go back to it and keep thinking about it all day at work. I think it's the same hormones as a crush, really. Except no moid to potentially hurt you involved, just good music or gaming. Enjoy!
26 year old hugless kissless virgin here and all i can say is… don't wait too long for the perfect opportunity. i really wish i would have picked out whatever trustworthy guy i could find and gotten it over with years ago. now i'm kinda in a "need experience to get the job, need a job to get experience" situation wrt relationships. i've been reassured so many times over and over by female friends that it's not a big deal if i won't make it into one and a decent guy won't care but my actual experience has been uh pretty different ever since i started actively trying to get rid of this issue. the guys i've screened as ones that seem safe and i could be comfortable with tend to be uninterested or down right put off when they find out. i don't blame them either, once you reach mid 20s or so, nobody really wants to be a sex ed teacher. people want good sex with someone who knows what they like and it's a bit unlikely you'll get that from a virgin, or at least most expect that they won't get that. the guys who are down very quickly reveal themselves to be creeps who are turned on by the idea of a pure waifu unsoiled by other cocks. and you might be different in this regard but it's pretty important for my comfort that the guy knows so i can't bring myself to lie (and fear that the lack of experience would show anyway). i haven't had much luck with either a "looking for a hookup" or a "looking for a relationship" approach and that's even after lowering my standards of what i would consider a trustworthy safe guy significantly. don't force yourself into anything you're uncomfortable with, obviously, but know that it does make things a lot more awkward than people are willing to admit the older you are. even more so with relationships. and you definitely shouldn't force yourself here either, especially if you aren't even sure you want one. but lots people do see a lack of relationship experience as a dealbreaker past a certain point. which sucks because obviously there are very good reasons to not have had a relationship, not all are red flag-worthy. but people can be sympathetic to things all the while not wanting to deal with them in a partner. people around my age tend to start figuring out what they want in a relationship or even already know it, lots find it tedious to deal with someone who will still be making beginner level mistakes.
not sure if any of this is good advice or even advice at all but that's been my experience.
go for a younger guy tbh.
yea some of them can be immature in some areas but i am older than you and wasnt sure what kind of relationship i wanted. i tried meeting guys around my age but it all turned out like >>274517
experience, or they just wanted something serious and i wasnt that into it.
but then i started talking to younger guys and there are some decent ones that dont act like retard zoomer manhoes. and cause theyre young they dont really think anything about a girl whos a virgin/inexperienced cause at their age its still pretty normal.
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I'm a huge retard and accidentally posted in a different and older thread but i think it fits better here
Anons i was talking to My friend the other day, about some weird tv woman, and we started to make fun of her and i made a joke about transgenders and he laughed but after a while he told me "the joke about You being transphobic it's very funny" but i wasnt…fully joking.
Worried because he's gay and he's femenine and clearly into supporting lgbtq+ i'm fine with everything except trans and variations of sexuality that always recay on personality but also less worried because i don't feel like i need to clarify i dislike trannys or anything
So the question is, should i be very careful with what i say around him? Or can i pass it off as irony? Will My opinions bring any problems later on? Any other anons with a similar friend/experience have any advice?
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My guy friend fucked our mutual female friend. The problem is, he was flirting with me for a year, right up until the night he got with her.
After that, he essentially stopped talking to me.
We're all a part of a 6-person college friend group. Over the years, we've moved to different cities, so we keep up online. My guy friend and girl friend work in the same field, so they meet IRL more often. He didn't "cheat" on me because we agreed LDR is miserable. However, I still feel pretty upset. I had to learn about the hookup from the girl, who had no idea that he was flirting with me. The guy only apologized to me AFTER I told her the truth. He blew me off until that point. To make matters worse, the girl is now pissed at me instead of him. This drama is causing issues in the group. The two are going to meet up again soon and keep talking about it in front of me. The other friends have agreed with me privately that the guy did me wrong and that the girl is being rude, but they don't want to cut 2 people out of a 6 person group.
So far, I've just left the group chat so I don't have to see messages that make me upset. I don't know if I should abandon this group or not. I have other friends, but this would mean losing my core group.
I haven't met anyone with the same problem so far, so if anyone relates or even better: overcame it it would be wonderful, I'm sorry this is so long.
I feel like my whole life is governed by shame. When I try to recall my first memories they're all about shame, but it's never other people shaming me, it's always me shaming myself. When I was a little I remember really wanting to know what I looked like when I cried, and so, after throwing a tantrum one day I thought it was a great idea to go and see what I looked like now. My grandma caught me looking at myself, she was angry at me so she said "Yes, you see, you're ugly when you cry". I wasn't hurt she called me ugly because it had been my first thought too, instead I was ashamed she knew what I was doing, she knew I wanted to see my own crying face. I don't understand why it made me so irrationnaly ashamed that she knew what was going on in my head.
Also when I was child but even up to my teens, I use to force myself not to look at candy shops when we were passing by because I was embarrassed my mom would know I wanted candy, even though she never shamed me for it, she often said no when I gathered all my courage to ask for some, but regularly said yes too. I was also always very ashamed to ask my parents for anything, or even to say yes when they offered anything..
There are plenty of things like that:
when I look up almost anything on google I use incognito mode just so nothing shows up when I use the search bar later. I can't bear anyone using my laptop for even a second because of what they could see there. It's not even like porn could show up, no, there's nothing inherently shameful on my computer, I shouldn't be ashamed.
I never answer when people ask me what I listen to because I'm ashamed. Music is so expressive, it can make you feel so much emotion so quickly, it feels manipulative. I feel like if I tell people what I listen to, they'll know what I'm feeling and that I’m stupid for being manipulable. But it goes much deeper than that: I don't even know what I like myself and I think that's because of hiding it for so long. I draw a lot, and I'm trying to make a living out of it. I'm good at it, I learned all my fundamentals and train every day but I never know what to draw. I don't know what I like to draw, because I shut down every idea I get. As a result I get less and less ideas. It's weird because it's really not easy to understand my own feelings. For example, I recently discovered that a lot of things I strongly reject, hate, and that even disgust me, are actually things I find hot but for some reasons think are shameful. The only reason I accepted they were hot is because that thing is suddenly trendy and thus I can accept it within myself. I don't know how to get past it. I think I should first try to come to terms with what I like/what I want with myself, but I don't know how to interrogate myself honestly. I try to keep a sketchbook for myself only that I know I'll never show to anybody so that I can draw and write anything freely, especially if it's bad or cringy and shameful, but honestly it already feels overwhelming..
Any advice or idk, exercises, would be most welcome.
anon, I could have written this myself! This is also a problem I've struggled with my whole life. I can't pinpoint an exact reason when it started. Maybe I didn't want to inconvenience my family by "needing." Now my mother has really strange ideas about the things I like for the same reasons as your candy shop story lol I also remember my peers shaming me for my interests. I call it existence guilt.
Do you also spend to much time thinking about your actions if you feel like you have done something wrong, and imagine what would have happen if you had acted "correctly?"
I think journaling helps with that, and also the normal day-to-day shame. So you should keep using your sketchbook! I used to draw complicated diagrams explaining the things I like to myself. When you go through the effort of justifying things to yourself to such a degree, it's so tedious that it feels silly. You probably don't think of the people around you as shameful for their interests, so there's no need to hold yourself to the same standard. I have kept journals for many years and only 3 years ago I stopped being ashamed of even writing in it, and destroying them out of guilt. It can take a long time, but I feel a lot better now. No matter what, don't destroy your sketchbook even if you're embarrassed, you will come to regret it.
Even my close friends still don't know my interests and think I am very "secretive", but with practice I can at least be open about my feelings and not put on an act around them. Really, I think it just takes a lot of practice. Your post shows you know yourself better than you think.
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You guys should read this book my therapist recommended, it's really interesting & explains where this kind of pervasive shame can come from (& a bit of what to do about it)
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Help. How do I get over a guy I've been "friends" with for half a decade (we were essentially together without actually calling it a relationship) after he rejected me for a new girl, used me as a rebound, went back to her like nothing happened, and expects me to happily be friends with him after he slept with me? He came back again recently after another rocky period with his gf and said they were breaking up, then suddenly they weren't. Him contacting me telling me they were breaking up ripped the wound of being used as a rebound fuck open, and I'm spiralling.
I went off on him about how shit he makes me feel and didn't contact him for a while, he seemed sad about it - now that I got in touch with him again, he instantly goes back to taking me for granted. Apparently all I am is a "very good friend" to him. Thing is, he ignores me unless he has nobody else and needs someone to vent to without consequence. I've known this guy since high school, we hung out nonstop until he got this gf, we have so much in common and he's the only person I feel truly comfortable with. We used to talk all the time, he'd send me something every day. I've shared everything to him.
I have no friends and I can't make friends, I'm an absolute mess. Always been. Meeting people I truly connect with is lightning in a bottle, and he is one of those people. I haven't felt the way I do about him about any other guy. I don't understand why he acts like he enjoys my presence and values our "friendship" but throws me away as soon as a better offer shows up. (Well, actually, I'm 99% sure it's because he finds me cringe and ugly, but likes the parts of me that get him and share his interests, unlike the girls he actually wants to show off.)
I know I'm fucking retarded but I'm painfully obsessed and my mental health is in the toilet, much thanks to him. He doesn't give a fuck how much he hurts me, he has a shiny new toy now. But I can't bring myself to cut him out of my life, because I feel like I need him. I have nobody else and he's been in my life since my teens.
It sounds like he thinks you're a game that he can pick up or leave whenever it's convenient. He knows you'll always be there, and he takes advantage of that. I wouldn't be surprised that after dating all of these other girls, and has decided to "settle", he comes back to you, because you're "wife material" (and someone that will put up with his shit). I know it sucks and it's hard, and it will be hard for months, but you need to cut him off. It's better in the long run.>he ignores me unless he has nobody else and needs someone to vent to without consequence.
He just sees you as a free therapist. He's no friend.>I've known this guy since high school>We used to talk all the time, he'd send me something every day.
It sucks, but people change. I lost many friends after high school, including my ex, because they became worse people. You've outgrown him, and he's gone backwards. It hurts, but whoever is standing before you now, is no longer the guy you first befriended in high school.
At the very least, limit contact and say no when he asks to sleep with you. Set some boundaries.
Thank you so much for your answer, it's good to know I'm not alone in this. I'm glad you're feeling better. I will listen to you and keep using my sketchbook, I'll even try journaling ! >>274703
I'll definitely read it, thanks !
That's a good idea nonnie
, do you think there would be women in their twenties at those? For some reason I imagine it would be older women like housewives and such but maybe not! To clarify I don't have trouble making friends, I do have some people who I can hang out with or talk to if I need someone, but we're all so different, one of them smokes all day every day and is significantly younger than me, she's in her airhead era like I was at that age so sometimes conversation with her is tough, and my other friend my age is great but she's turned all anti-makeup anti-caring about looks in recent years, gives me shit when i want to buy stuff lol, and has orgies and drinks/smokes all the time, is also extremely liberal like the furthest left you can go, I'm more in the middle so it can be awkward at times
I love animals and decorating and aesthetics and simple pleasures, not mega outgoing and attention seeking but not shy and unsociable either, I guess my interests are just simple basic things like shopping and my pets and buying +enjoying cute/pretty stuff, I like art too, galleries, music
He did "joke" a few years ago about us making a "pact" to marry if we haven't found anyone at 30
I need self respect
Nonas, I made a terrible mistake when I was 21. I'm 25 now.
I was a camgirl for a little over a year. I honestly think I rotted my brain with sex posi twitter, following girls who already did that stuff, etc. It looked so glamorous to me, and I had such low self esteem. Now my life has changed so much, and I have some serious goals. What I need advice on, though, is scrubbing the internet?… So far I haven't been able to find any videos of myself, I don't doubt that they exist though. The thing is, these stupid fake porn profiles keep popping up with my old profile pictures.
I know, I know, I was fucking stupid. And I regret it so much.
I know it is probably hopeless because the internet is forever. I'm just hoping so much, because while the pics that stay around aren't explicit, it's so obviously me. I blush with shame when I see them. I have nightmares about my family somehow finding them.
Is there anything at all I can do to get these pics removed? When I contacted one of the sites, the email I got back was so unhelpful.. That was a couple years ago. Any advice is greatly appreciated, nonnies.
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Is there anything you can do to help someone who chooses to have there wrong people around them?
A good friend of mine from college is living with a group of friends she knows mostly through her boyfriend. This girl works hard, graduated top of our cohort at college, and doesn’t even drink on a weeknight because she has work the next day. I’ve met her housemates before one at a time and they seemed manageable if not a little dim. But last weekend I went to a house party at theirs and it was heinous. The place was a mess, everyone was high out of their minds, every time I looked around someone was being passed a bong or a grinder or laying out rows of MDMA, all for what was meant to be a relaxed housewarming. When two other friends of this girl arrived they said they had to leave early because they’d done whip-its before arriving and were feeling light headed. She constantly texts me complaining about how these guys run up the power bill gaming or have their nasty pothead friends over to hang out and they take over the living room or some other drama they’re trying to pull her into. Last time she brought it up to me it was about how she asked them to wear masks in the living space when they had covid because she didn’t want to get sick and she ended up having to wear masks around them because they all refused. I’ve suggested she move, but every time I bring it up she’s like “but I love themmm they’re my good friendssss”. It’s getting so frustrating, it feels like every time she messages me it’s to cry about something or other they’ve done that’s making her mad and then I check her instagram and it’s all of them out to dinner together or her posting about how much she loves them. I’ve never seen any of them lift a finger for her in a trying time but she’s always giving them whatever energy she has whenever they need it. I just don’t understand why someone with so much going for them would choose to associate with people who have so little drive or real interest in the world around them (probably because they’re so close to her boyfriend but he’s another story). Anyways, have any of you ever been in a situation like this, if so what did you do and what was the outcome?
This might be totally useless but two things that helped me to stop trying to be like others was that (1) Remembering that I've literally never seen a wannabe pull it off. Wannabes are always kind of embarrassing to watch because the act doesn't feel genuine. And (2) Thinking about the way I like my friends and how I never like them because they compare to other people that I like.
Although I will say, sometimes pulling good traits from other people isn't a bad thing. If someone inspires you to be patient because you appreciate it in them I don't think that's a bad thing.
Best of luck anon!
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Nonnas, what are your favored phone camera apps for selfies?
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How can I teach myself to play an instrument? I want to get back into my hobby of playing the bass guitar, but I'm so shit at self-learning. I first started playing when I was 13 I think, but I've been so inconsistent with it that my skills would be pretty much beginner level if I tried to get back into it again. Like with piano, there's theory and chords and books that you can work your way through and I think that structured approach makes it easier for me to stay motivated since I feel like I'm progressing through continuous goals. With the bass, I always end up teaching myself how to play a few songs I like at the time and then once that's over I ultimately feel aimless and discouraged and stop for another year or two.
I really want to get into it again though. I think it's kind of shameful that I started this instrument more than 10 years ago and I have nothing to show for it, but I'm telling myself now is better than never at least. That's not the only reason obviously, but I do want to stop putting this off. Picrel because I think DD has some really cool-sounding basslines and would love to be able to play them some day even if it's just to myself
Same, anon. Started guitar at 12, stopped at like 16, skills have gone to square 1. Teaching yourself an instrument specifically is tricky, there are so many things you have to focus on that it's hard to keep track of everything, and with non-classical instruments, unless you really want to play in a band or make your own music, your motivation gets nebulous and sorta weak. I've moved on to other things, but I did re-learn guitar by myself with some degree of success (i say that because I just wasn't arsed to continue lol) by just re-playing the harder songs I played well many times over. But I see you like a more structured approach, so after "remembering" like 10 songs I really think courses, free or paid for would be ideal. If you have money, I'd rec someone to teach you in person, they can point out everything you're doing wrong much faster than you'll be able to by yourself, give you guidance, tailored lessons, etc.
Though structure never worked for me, so if I were you, Id just pirate some skillshare courses for intermediate level bass players off of piratebay (subconsciously, your motor skills will still bring up a surprising amount of things you may have thought you forgot about, so in this case you need more of a challenge i think). It helps to keep your personal motivations in mind and to make sure they're very concrete, if you're stumped think of it in terms of goals instead of dreams (instead of "I want to someday perform in front of an audience" set a goal like "play a small concert for friends/family at the end of 3 months").
Hope this helps, anon, there really is no such thing as 'too old to learn' - that's a mindset for worms who are scared to be bad at something because they're grownups.
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The busser at the place I serve at apparently wants my number, as per another busser. He might be pranking me (the other busser) but he swore up and down that he wasn't. Good lord. I do not want to work if he isn't pranking me. Thank God I'm leaving for college in two weeks. But till then, what am I supposed to do?
it literally doesn't matter, the poor hr fuck is just trying to meet his quota of possible candidates.
you can also go and get some job interview experience.
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I recently found out I'm the "other woman" in my friend's marriage. I never thought I overstepped any boundaries (until very recently, more on that later) but it's still an emotional affair from his wife's pov. I guess I should have seen it coming. We'd hooked up once a very long time ago and that was it. We didn't date because of issues on my side and incompatibilities that were important to him, like me only wanting one child while he at least 5. Honestly I would have given him many if that's what he wanted but we never talked about it again so he never had a chance to know. He proceeded to date girls and break up for seemingly "no reason". I'm just now learning he severely neglected them for me and they were perceptive enough to see the trainwreck coming from a mile away and flee. Ultimately, they were relationships to make me jealous and that somewhere along the way he met his now-wife. I always thought it odd our friendship didn't change much even while he had a gf and then a wife, it was always pretty stable, the time we spent together unchanged. He really built relationships around our friendship instead of the other way around. I don't know how he managed. I love him so was always more than happy with our arrangement. I couldn't have him the way I wanted but at least he was still a very important person in my life. I was happy with the crumbs. Truly when I say I never flirted and there was never any sexual tension, I mean it.
But now he put his wife in a position where she has to take even that away from me. I don't blame her. He came and told me she wants him to cease contact with me yesterday. I was surprised he was allowed to come see me alone and he said he told her he had to "break things off easily" with me. Things got very emotional and we ended up kissing while he was comforting me, and that turned really passionate so we ended up having sex. This was never meant to happen, we were both surprised, and now he's even more determined to keep me in his life. Not to physically betray her again - it was a "mistake" and he made it very clear to me - but because he loves me very much. I don't think it was a mistake and it hurt so much when he said that. I want him to end what was never supposed to start to begin with; his marriage. It's all very clear and simple to me, but I'm scared of telling him this. I already miss him so much I don't want him to see me as a homewrecker and decide to stay with his wife. I guess I don't want any advice, just vent a little.
I don't personally support it but to me it sounds like the guy would be overjoyed to drop his wife the moment you ask him to be with him.
Also there's a vent thread in /ot/
You’re going to get what’s coming to you anon. Be careful what you wish for. You’re just using him to validate yourself and he’s using you to feel like hot shit. Go be his manic pixie dream girl till he treats you like the has been.
That poor fucking women. Grow up.
For the first few weeks just focus on making a consistent routine, and going when you planned. Definitely try and do what >>278287
said, but if that’s unavailable to you here’s a YouTuber that explains virtually every machine there is (this is just one video), and never feel embarrassed to sit and read the instructions on the machine, and take some time to figure it out and make sure it’s comfortable for your body and skill level. The biggest thing in the beginning is consistency and developing a routine that suits you without ending in burnout. What is your main goal in going to the gym nonny
, is it weight loss? Muscle building? General health?
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what to do when my work schedule is making it impossible for me and my husband to spend time together?
he vastly out-earns me and his schedule is fixed. i work nights at a hotel which is generally great b/c it allows me mornings for appointments and errands which i wouldnt be able to do after work if i had a 9-5. he's always off weekends and i always work them. if i had a more "normal" schedule we'd be able to have some days off in common, but again, if i needed to schedule therapy or a drs appointment for one of my days off id be screwed by a m-f schedule.
idk what to do. it seems like the only way to have more time together is for me to change jobs, but everything else about my usual 2-1030 fits my needs really well. i feel really stuck in this dilemma. pic for attention
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Stay with the love of my life in a soul sucking job in an expensive city without any friends or family -or- move back home with family and friends but be grotesquely depressed about not being with the literal love of my life
I really don't see how you would find the time without changing your job or at least your hours.>id be screwed by a m-f schedule
How so? Most people work like that and manage to go to appointments
Samefag, I also think you should prioritise spending time together to make lasting memories now.
When you're both in your seventies and eighties, you're not going to sit and reminisce together about hotel shifts and minute errands.
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I posted here a while ago when I was sent a scholarship offer. I've now paid all the visa fees and had it issued. Enrolled in classes too. I'm feeling prepared to do this but I still feel so much guilt having my mother sponsor me. She really wants me to go as it's one of the best places to study in said field. I want to be able to repay her for everything she has done for me and I know this is a gateway to a great career but I feel so wrong accepting the money from her. I have saved up enough money for my accommodation and have arranged that myself but she will be covering a big change of my tuition.
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Thank you for the replies. I think I will take up the offer as hopefully it'll be a good investment. Ps here is another cat for you
I’m not sure there’s any other option besides try a tampon or drop out of the meet. They make tiny tampons and 12 is a pretty reasonable age to have a period, you might be overblowing the impossibility of her using one.
I was scared of tampons too when I first started and didn’t wear them until I was maybe 15. What happened was I was on a vacation in Florida and got the opportunity to scuba dive but I was on my period. After fretting about it for a few days I locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour and kept trying until I got it in right. I probably wouldn’t have been brave enough to try if I didn’t have such a big carrot dangling in front of me but I’m glad I did it.
i'm so sorry nonna, that's such a violation. my brother is very hands-y. i called him out on his groping and he stopped touching me bc he gets how weird it is now.
maybe you can subtly bring up your situation in passing to let him know that YOU know he's crossing a line. chances are he won't double down bc everyone knows that stealing panties (his sister's, no less) is beyond creepy.
Shame the fuck out of him. That's fucking disgusting. My brother never did shit like this, or being "handsy" like the other anon. I'm so sorry. I shudder to wonder if any of his friends did this throughout the years though. He had one friend who apparently jerked off our dog or at least touched his penis more than once (I only heard about it and honestly wish I never did.)
. Kill all men.
I want you to go the extra step of gathering evidence so you can confirm or deny who is doing that, and why. Try setting up a hidden camera around your laundry during the time something like this would happen, and see what happens. Or, set up a trap for them to pick up a piece of your underwear somewhere else if you can’t set up a camera where you typically put your laundry. Also I would be concerned about someone possibly recording you while you change, or are using the bathroom. So please get a flashlight, and search dark bottles, vents, closets, tissue boxes, and more for any signs of a recording device. Be cautious about this, and don’t give away that you’re searching for this stuff to anyone else around you. Search as much as you can so you can be 100% certain there is nothing around you that is recording you. The smallest, or unlikeliest places can have something. Here is a website to help you search for devices:https://legalbeagle.com/4910594-detect-bugs-listening-devices.html
Please look into this stuff on other websites too, like read what other people have shared about looking for devices, or trying to prevent something like this from happening.
I'm so glad I have you, nonnas. This isn't a topic one can mention anywhere usually.
My brother is 17 now. The last time I found my things in this state was about a year ago, then he went to college and hasn't been around, it's summer vacation now so he just got back. In any case, it seems like my brain has practically erased the memory of these events and then it all suddenly came back when I stumbled upon a manga a few days ago where highschool boys took and put on their friend's sister's underwear because "comedy". And then my brain tried to bury the memories deep down once again, but today a woman from the lower floor loudly complained about her apartment being too moist and my brother said to me with a straight face that the moistest part is in her panties, then my brain went brrr. So now I'm just stuck with thinking about this situation over and over again, unable to move on. And I hate the duality of these feelings: I'm angry that my boundaries can be violated that easily, but also really uncertain - what if I'm overthinking and it was all just a bunch of weird coincidences and nothing actually happened.
Guess, I really should start keeping my laundry separately, it would at least make me feel calmer, so good call. I'll think about how I should react to his questionable behavior, there must be a way to put some sense of shame in a guy's head. And I will talk to mom if he keeps on acting gross. >>279094>>279095
This is actually something important to consider, not only for checking the house, but for public spaces as well. It's funny how you need to check a room for bugging just to pee safely in a public bathroom. But knowing how things are, it's just a necessity now.
that makes sense, thanks. I just thought it would be too big for her since shes thin but if you say it was ok with you its probably ok with her>>279113
girl im afraid of using that on even myself lol
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I move abroad next week and I'm so excited but nervous at the same time. I'm gonna miss my family here but they seem really proud of me. I'll also be living with someone who really cares for me over there so I won't be "alone". I don't know how to get over this sense of fear.
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As a person who did the exactly same, I will be blunt. It's gonna be really tough over time. You will most likely miss your family a lot, and it will probably get worse because you will miss out on the events that happened to them, etc (at least I do). So with that in mind, I highly recommend you to visit them whenever you can. You never know when it's gonna be the last time. I did not visit my family for 2 years because I was scared of giving them COVID, now I can't visit them because of the war. The world is crazy.
And please don't depend on your partner, which is the most important rule of any relationship. IF there is at least one glimpse of him manipulating you or making you depend on him, money-wise or not, please, nonnie
, run. It's the worst, being stuck in a different country while having no one else to rely on, and they abuse that fact. Don't waste your years on someone who will bring you nothing but mind games and stress.
I wish you all the best dear nonnie
thank you for the reply it's great to hear from someone in a similar position. It'll be a huge adjustment to have to make but I'm super excited to be making this jump in my career. You're seriously brave making a move like that though especially during covid and I really hope you're able to go back home soon and see your family.
Also, thank you for clarifying this. I'm really lucky to not be in a position where I'm dependent on him financially or emotionally.
Hoping everything goes smoothly. It's not a permanent move (I'll probably be there 5 years max) so I'm not petrified haha. Wishing you all the best with your endeavours too and best wishes to your family back home.
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I've never really felt "at ease" until I met my current partner and I don't know if it's foolish of me for confiding so much in him.
My dad did some things to me that I still havent really come to terms with or told my mother because I know it would hurt her. After 18 he just completely cut me off. He won't even talk to my mother. He had always done the very minimum to take care of me. I'd pay for my own shampoo and tampons as a teenager when living with him. He would never buy me clean bedding. My partner grew up in a similar household with his mother. One example is her giving them pills just to see how they'd react to them. She still manipulates him now he is an adult. I remember raising my voice when I cut myself on a glass and he just fell to the floor shaking.
We both have very similar upbringings and I feel that's why we're both so in tune with the other. We're very compatible but something still always tells me I need to keep my distance and it's wrong of me to put so much into a man because I feel like something is going to go wrong. I've never known a life like this before where someone treats me the way he does.
So what are you asking for, if it's foolish or not? I think it's a good thing to have a partner who you can trust and can feel at ease at. What good is a partner if you can't trust him and be honest with him. That said, make sure you're not misinterpreting shared trauma for compatibility.
What's with the weird interjecting with they/them though.
I’m moving out of my parents house and I wanna start “living” life.
Top of my list is to start actually dating and lose my v card. I’m 22 autistic and never been on a date. I don’t even know how dates work.
I’m gonna join dating apps and also go out a lot more with friends.
What advice can you give to someone with literally zero dating experience venturing into this territory pretty late?
Also I’m terrible at flirting, how do you let your guard down to do that?
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Tonight I discovered a fatty-feeling lump between my labia majora and my thigh. It appeared seemingly overnight. I'm trying to decide if this is a problem for a dermatologist, or a gynecologist. It's not on the actual vagina and i'm not sexually active so it's not an STD. It's also clearly subcutaneous. I'm leaning towards derm? I need other opinions on this. picrel is location.
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could it be a lymph node?
Interesting! I was thinking maybe a cyst too. It feels more like a lipoma, but it formed too quickly to be that. When you get it checked out come tell us what it was!>>279856
def not a pimple. it's deep under the entire layer of skin and isn't painful.>>279951
That was my first thought too, but it's way too low down to be a lymph node.
The dermatologists at my derm are so rude and dismissive, I don't even wanna go to them… But it's either that, or the gynecologists who will pressure me into my first pap that I'm overdue for. uguhhh
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what's an easy skill that i can learn? anhedonia has been eating me up over the years, and i've been too depressed to do much for myself lately. i want to work on that and get into something that might help me… ideas?
Playing the three guitar cords, cross stitching, gardening start with hearty herbs or flowers or some cacti, finger knitting is even easier than regular knitting
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I heard learning and making Origami is good for depression
Very easy - check. It also leaves you with nice little gifts that will make people smile.
Gardening/taking care of plants! It's really nice to take care of plants and see them grow.
For things that have a more direct/visible payoff, cooking or baking perhaps? Or simple sewing projects?
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I can’t decide whether to get earbuds or over-ear headphones
Earbuds are more portable and comfy to wear laying in bed but I enjoy the look & feel of big headphones and the fact that people leave me the fuck alone when I’m wearing them . Please help me decide nonas
I've been using airpods for the last couple years and I hate them. one of my ears is shaped in such a way that if I move my jaw (to eat or talk or yawn, for instance) the earphone pops out (no fix for this, I've tried different attachments and different earpod types and it's no good. I basically only use one earphone). they get dirty easily and that muffles the sound. even with careful cleaning the sound quality deteriorates significantly on its own within about a year.
I'm just listing cons, not sure if that helps you but there you go.
make a list of things to do. the more simple the better, but big items are fine too if you have some that need doing. do the things and cross them off the list. instant seratonin.
keep the completed lists around for a while so you can look back at them every once in a while.
might sound stupid but it cured my anhedonia permanently.
How do I stay motivated while working a painfully boring office job with questionable managerial practices? My manager is extremely busy and also hard to talk to because he loves talking over people, and the people on my team are 'strongly encouraged' to talk to each other when we get stuck, which in practice means everyone passes bitch work down the seniority chain until it ends up on the desks of junior employees like me. Depending on how you subdivide the tasks, I have about 6-8 distinct projects I could be doing at any given moment, and about half all have high priority because of an upcoming deadline. Hence it is extremely hard to focus on anything, and I end up feeling burnt out and paranoid that my manager is going to swoop in with a surprise phone call/video meeting/instant message asking how things are going ie why I'm not getting stuff done fast enough. I'm supposed to have weekly check-ins with my manager, but he works halfway across the country and has meetings literally all day every day so those don't exactly happen on a regular basis. On top of all that, the IT department's fetish for redundant logins/authentication and general inefficiency make it a gamble whether or not the software services I need to use will let me log in first try or not, so I literally just sit around wasting time and avoiding simple tasks that are made arbitrarily complex by all the "security" hoops I have to jump through just to open them. I know I'm complaining a lot, but it's not even been three months and I already dread the start of each working day. Should I try to stick it out for another three months? From the start I intended this to be a transitional job to pick up useful skills and cash while I finish my master's in a related but much more lucrative/rewarding field, but I'm not sure how long I can hold out like this.
Longpost incoming. I feel like I'm doxing myself with how detailed it is. I'd appreciate some interactions from nonna's if possible, because I've been feeling ironically lonely in all of this.
I've been struggling a lot and there's so much on my mind. Certain obstacles I know how to overcome. It simply demands effort I am not used to putting in, resulting in a lot of failures. Other components render me utterly lost. I constantly feel chaotic and uneasy.
My boyfriend lives on another continent. I met him when I lived there for about a year. My visit was intended to be temporary from the beginning, and by the end of it, I was itching to go home. Because we believe in a future together, we haven't broken up and he has come to visit me in my home country for a month.
His visit has been challenging. To preface, I already struggle to lead the balanced, structured and healthy life I aspire to. I am prone to having brainfog as well as becoming overwhelmed or anxious. I sleep poorly and am often distracted, to name a few things. I'm aware of the causes of these symptoms and know how to fix them long-term. Doing so simply takes time, and I fail constantly. It frustrates me when I fail and I hate feeling so miserable all the time. I have made a lot of progress during my year abroad, coming out of a burn out. Now I feel I'm at another turning point where I am to further improve my life. But it is slow, difficult and has a lot of friction. It demands a lot of my energy and time, alongside my career and other endeavours I have no choice but to pursue so as to move forward as a young adult.
Now that my boyfriend is in my home 24/7, his presence bombards me with stimuli I usually wouldn't get. It leads to me being unable to complete simple tasks as usual, let alone the big things I already found challenging. He is not the problem, it is rather my own weaknesses that are triggered more than usual. Moreover, since I often will look for distraction so as to avoid the discomfort of necessary change, it is easy for me to simply laze around with him all day, when really I know I shouldn't and don't want to. His presence is the perfect bait for me to sabotage myself, and I have difficulties with controlling myself. Which is unfair too, since I genuinely love being with and cuddling him. But I can't control it or balance it so I don't lose what is important to me beside him.
So overall, his visit has been super challenging in a lot of ways. Time is ticking and the end of his stay swiftly approaches.
Initially the plan was for me to join him and stay with him for the following year (Plan A). I would probably have to extend my stay to attain everything I want to, though. Ultimately, it would take about three years out of my life. I'd follow classes at a local college and work towards transfering. I made this decision myself, as I thought it was my only option to make up for deficiencies I have in my high school diploma. I want to pursue a degree in stem yet don't have all of the academic requirements as of current. Although I was sad to leave my country again, I thought this was my only choice. I was happy at least to be able to be closer to my love and come closer to my academic goals.
I recently discovered there is another option (Plan B): staying home and making up my deficiencies in less than a year, following the official route. Plan A would not necessarily ensure entry to the registration process of some of the studies I'd want to pursue. Plan B would definitely be accepted, as it is the official path recommended. I was unaware of this before as I hadn't considered the resources detailing this information.
Plan B costs about the same, I wouldn't have to pay rent as I'd still live in my home, I'd be able to keep my job, stay close to my family, wouldn't have to worry about learning to drive, I'd be done in a year, meaning I could enroll in university next year, I would be ensured of education on my level that doesn't involve unnecessary classes and I'd know this would give me access to the universities I like.
I don't know what to choose. Every individual from my country who has known me academically or works in academia recommends Plan B. Even people from the Plan A college aren't sure it's the right choice for me. But I have already made agreements with the people who funded Plan A. I believe this can still be solved, but it makes cancelling more difficult. Furthermore, it would put a strain on my relationship.
I don't want to be the girl who threw away a good opportunity for her passions for a boy who later abandoned her. I would hate that I knew better but didn't listen. Yet my boyfriend really means a lot to me. I know it's frowned upon to think this way, but humor me for a second. My boyfriend and I genuinely have a strong future together. I believe in us and so does he. I don't want to break up or sabotage what we could have. Not seeing him for a year would be awful. I know what relationships between 19 year olds are like, I know. But you will have to trust me on this one. He's not worth tossing aside without any sort of contemplation. He is worth so much more. Perhaps I could visit him in the meantime, but I can't promise it. And what would happen afterwards? Where would I study? In his country, mine? Where will we live to have the life we want, away from the city, free and with our own farm? I'm already so easily overwhelmed, I can't think that far ahead.
The best thing for me to do is just to keep improving those things I already was, that will help give me clarity and strength. But I don't have enough time now. I have basically 0 days to make this choice. It's absurd honestly that I'm considering making such a drastic change. But that's just who I am.
Everything around me is waiting for me to step up and move in the right direction, literally. My work is waiting for me to respond, my family needs confirmation of what I'm going to do, as is the school, as well as the funding, as well as my boyfriend. My clean laundry is waiting to finally be folded again since before my boyfriend arrived, my coach is waiting for me to resume my training seriously, and I am waiting for me to finally stop neglecting MYSELF. I want to become healthier, stronger, happier, studying again, moving without pain, living without constant stress or exhaustion. I know half of what to do, and half I'm utterly lost. + Just because I don't want to neglect myself, doesn't mean it's obvious I should leave my boyfriend. He is part of what brings joy to my life.
On the one hand I think I should just stay home and let him leave too. I would become stronger in the meantime, make my own friends, achieve what I must to commence the next chapter of my life and become more stable so that I won't be as overwhelmed the next time we're together. It could really benefit our future. But thinking about his absence makes me feel sick. I don't want LDR… But I could also become stronger from having to tolerate the pain, and I'd be so focused on myself it'd be better to be alone. But is that realistic, or wise? Besides, in the life of my dreams, I don't need to be single or away from my love to improve myself. Isolation isn't the answer. But is that realistic for right now? I don't know. And I'm not strong enough right now to explore these topics on time for me to make a decision. I also am afraid of living alone with my mother again, since she has always been abusive. But moving out where I live is impossible due to costs + moving out elsewhere wouldn't make sense with the education of Plan B.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning in so much. I know how to avoid this sensation long term, but not short term. Not knowing what to do short term makes me (feel) incapable of doing what I must for the long term. I am just stuck, overwhelmed, sad about the whole situation. I miss my boyfriend already, my family, my home, his home, his touch, my peace and balance, my passions, my joy. Ultimately I suppose the decision doesn't matter. I just need to become healthier and more balanced regardless of where I am. But it's a paradox too…
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any tips for LDRs nonnies?
My husband and I were in an ldr for 5 years before moving in together. What helped keep us together was meeting up at least once a year for a prolonged period of time, like for vacations. Closing the distance asap should be your goal, unless you met IRL and have different reasons for your ldr.
I think ldr's can definitely work and they're not a new, weird thing in any way. You just have to communicate daily, watch and play stuff together. Involve yourselves into each others lives completely. It's hard to keep a relationship like this going if you're both extremely social people that are barely at home though.
The usual advice is "don't do it unless you intend to close the distance eventually". My advice is "don't do it unless you intend to close the distance eventually for reasons unrelated to the relationship itself". As in, move to be together only if it's good for you aside from the fact that it brings you together. Don't overhaul your life for a moid, he will never appreciate it and you might very easily end up completely relying on him for social contact/codependent in the new place. Don't let a moid overhaul his life to be with you either. He will throw it in your face every opportunity he gets, manipulate and guilt the shit out of you if you ever want to break up.
Don't be blinded by teenage fantasies of tru wuv overcoming all. As an adult you should know that love is not enough to make a relationship work.
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How do you handle toxicity from normie women IRL?
Ever since I entered adulthood (which I entered alone, the moment i turned 18 I moved out to a different country, all by myself.), I can't seem to be able to stand up for myself or not care about normie straight women who see me nothing but as a threat or competition, trying to make up rumors about me (despite me just existing and minding my business), acting passive-agressive despite me being polite, trying to copycat for no reason, etc.
I know why it bothers me so much. It just breaks my heart really badly, because I have always wanted to have a nice social circle of nothing but women, us just supporting eachother and knowing that men are shit (despite being attracted to them). Honestly, whenever the same happens online (i usually play Overwatch or other competitive games, but in OW that tends to happen almost all the time), as in I would witness a woman degrading another just to seem like 'not like the other girls' to pander to men, I want to cry. Anyway…
My point is, how do i stop feeling so heartbroken and troublesome whenever I experience negativity from women? It's silly how whenever a man would talk shit to me I would never care, but that is likely because i was born in a dangerous, big city when I always had to run away from creepy men, and our culture is full of men praise and misogyny which I hated. I need to calm down and accept that some people are just assholes or they were brainwashed by the idea of competition around eachother, but my loneliness is making it worse.
Ntayrt but could you please elaborate?>>281797
So tough, but so true…
So… has anyone here got a boob job? Or do you know anyone who got it? I just want some advice and opinions on the procedure
A bit of a short story to explain why I want a boob job, ever since I was little I expected that my boobs will grow but it never happened, I ended up flat chested. I know it sounds stupid, but it makes me feel less of a woman. I tried many times to shrug it off, like it's not a big deal, be confident etc but I can't stand it. I could maybe ignore the opinion of moids, but it was other women who shamed me for my lack of chest… my aunt and grandma joking about my "boyish" body, and my middle school classmates mocking me for not having the "goods". Obviously this kind of stuff made me feel insecure as fuck, as if I didn't belong with the other girls. Even now as an adult I feel like I'm missing something. Something that almost made me have a breakdown recently was when I came across a video of a TIM showing off his estrogen "tits", and they were bigger than mine, and I'm a real woman! Idk, it's just not fucking fair and I feel like a boob job would really improve my confidence and self-esteem
Communication is important in any relationship but it has to be even stronger in LDR. Generally when people aren't communicating or feeling unheard or mistreated they take it out in other areas of their life but a LDR partner isn't there to see that and it really just affects you unless you deal with it. Some people (including myself who has been in a LDR for almost 6 years) can struggle to bring up certain topics and if you don't just bite thr bullet the resentment can just start to build. You can't just hope your moid is going to realize that shit is building up most of them will chalk it up to shark week or crazy waman things.
The recipe for long lasting relationships is people who want the same things in life. From 20-30 those things can change wildly which is why so many relationships break down. People again need to communicate those changes and be ready to accept that if your long term goals don't match or can't exist together then maybe it's time to move on.
I started dating my partner in my mid 20s after my 1st divorce and rebound from that. Back then my partner wanted 2 kids and the usual shit we're told we want in North America and I was fine with it but fast forward to now were in our early 30s and he realizes he actually doesn't want kids. Now if you are a woman dead set on having kids it would be over don't try to change him just leave and find someone with matching goals.
I am infertile anyways thanks to PCOS and never really wanted kids but was willing to try for the right partner but this was actually a huge weight off my shoulders. My body still gets baby crazy moments but for so many reasons were actually looking into him getting the snip so we can enjoy our lives without worry.
I believe in being a realistic person once I realized this wasn't just a WoW fling and we actually wanted to be together irl and knowing what a visa process would take I just flat out nicely told him if we arent starting the visa process within 2 years then we need to stop wasting each other's time and move on, he agreed.
I will full disclosure that covid threw a huge wrench in that timeline and we are now on a new 2 year timeline but I do think people should make sure they aren't hust jerking each other around for 5+ years unless that's what they want.
Ok, I'm sorry for being so dumb, but unironically: how the fuck do you cope with looking like trash and also being trash? And become less self-conscious?
I was neglected/abused by my family so learned how to speak at 12 - I spoke in noises before then - and developed a few minor deformities (I have 3 bite issues, missing teeth, a crooked jaw that I've been told by an ortho I need surgery one, it hurts to talk, etc). The school got me to go to the school speech therapist for 5 years yet I still have the speaking ability of a 11 year old in my late 20s.
I am constantly exhausted and look like death. And, I have confirmed that people weren't just being "mean" when they said I look like a monster. I actually look like a giant, creepy eldritch demon. There is something deeply unsettling about the way I look. Oh and to add insult to injury, I've been on acne meds for 4 years and cut out all "fun" and tasty foods out of my diet but still have 50 cysts and the skin texture of a rotten orange. I have spent 1000$s trying to fix my looks. I also found out I have thyroid issues and sleep apnea.
To this day, my only interaction with boys in real have been them telling me I look like a man, a school shooter, that my face looks like it was hit by a train, etc. I am a kissless virgin (and no I don't want to find someone that wants a hole to fix my virginity).
So yes. I am fugly. Deeply fugly. There is 0 reconciling how fugly I am or how socially awkward I am. And yes I tried being more outgoing but I ended up being told more insults about the way I look, my teeth, my speech disability, etc. So I started feeling guilty at just existing again.
I don't even want to hate myself but most of the things I hate myself over I first received dozens of insults IRL to my face about. As a teen I THOUGHT I WAS NORMAL. But, nope.
So. I don't want to be told "you probably look average" or that "no one cares about the way you look."
Also–I've seen women being called "tragic looking" consistently
on LC when they have 100x better bodies/looks than me… so I don't want to be told "looks are subjective/nebulous" either.
I get what you mean anon. Honestly, a lot of women are very competitive with each other and it sucks. At one of my first jobs, we had a female manager that everyone hated. She wasn’t even that bad, just made a lot of noobish mistakes because she was new. The male managers (who also made noob mistakes) never got as much hate as she did. It really opened my eyes to how double standards work. Internalized sexism is very real and shitty, it sucks feeling like other women don’t have our backs when we need it most. I don’t really know the solution, but remember it isn’t all women who act like that. >>281881
I’m sorry about the abuse you suffered. It’s awful and you have a right to feel angry about it. There is a lot to unpack in what you wrote, but one thing I hope you keep in mind is that most people don’t care what random strangers look like. You don’t need to have a certain level of beauty just to exist, and you don’t exist to look good for other people. Of course looking good for yourself and having self-confidence is important, working towards small goals with daily exercise would be a huge help. Getting in shape, proper diet, good hygiene, etc, start with things you can control and go from there.
>>281878>including myself who has been in a LDR for almost 6 years
there are the sort of people giving advice on here
I agree with >>281893
that the very first thing you should do and focus on should be therapy; you said you've spend over $1000 on trying to improve your looks so I hope it means you're in a place where you can afford seeing a therapist. Do a good research, don't be afraid to change therapists in the beginning if you don't feel comfortable but definitely go for it.
Other thing that tends to help people a lot, both physically and mentally, would be training regularly. Once again, if you have the financial means, get a trainer - ideally someone with good physiotherapy knowledge, not just any rando with certificate - and really stick to the regime; it does wonders with boosting confidence with both seeing your body steadily change - better posture, nicely defined muscles and so on, but also (and maybe especially) proving yourself you can do it, you can push yourself, you can do it regularly.
But yeah, please see a therapist, it will really help setting you on the right path. There's so much bad that happened to you, you deserve having some close and personal help.
Hi anons, just going to preface this long-ass post with an apology kek, this is probably going to be very long (I can't reall tell though because I'm mobileposting) I need advice on how to become more confident in myself. I've always struggled with anxiety and self-esteem issues but I'm noticing it affecting me more recently. I do have friends and we do hang out and stuff, I do have people in my life that seem to like me and I like them. I just can't shake these feelings:
>I'm not "as much" of a person as my friends
>I tricked them into being friends with me and they don't know how lame and pathetic I am, and if they did they wouldn't want to be friends
>The only thing I have going for me is my looks. People really only like me and tolerate me because I'm good looking.
>My schooling situation was weird and very lacking and so I always feel stupid around people.
>I can be pretty good with conversation, but afterwards I get self-conscious because I was, and still am, obsessed with reading articles online and I really only have a shallow understanding of what I'm talking about and so I always feel like a huge fake when I talk to people
>I know I am lucky to look the way I do but I still don't really believe that I am all that good looking and I have a really hard time accepting and believing compliments
>always feel like something bad is about to happen; my friends will all find out how pathetic I am and drop me or they'll just randomly stop talking to me, etc.
>I can't even like attractive guys or even think of romantic scenarios with them because I don't think they'd ever want to get with me
Basically I have a really shitty self-esteem, I struggle with feeling "real" compared to other people, I struggle to accept and believe compliments, I feel like everything about me is fake or shallow, etc.
How do I break out of this sort of thinking? How do I stop the shitty self-esteem? I just don't want to be constantly zeroed in on my stupid, made up problems that seem to have no basis in reality considering that my friends do seem to like me and they think I'm funny. I just HATE that my brain is so occupied with these thoughts. I don't think it's normal to think about yourself so much and it makes me feel like a giant narcissist loser. And it is obviously not benefitting me in any way. I just can't stop it.
Please help a nonnie out.
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Read this book (you can pirate it from libgen and put it on your phone) and do the excersises (don't skip them). You're not gonna get better advice here than what's written in this book and this book systematically works through the whys, hows and solutions for low selfesteem.
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I got mistaken for a boy 4 times this week. Each time I go outside for a whole week I'm sure I'll get mistaken for a dude. I'm short, i have short hair, I'm lean and i wear loose clothes. I love doing sports and I usually like more conventionally male activity such as team sports and robotics, and I think that's quite stupid to say because most women are behind modern tech, and team sports is more enjoyed and soulful in female team than male teams.
Also, I was told I have the male type of autism aka Jordan Peterson one. Being from north Africa descent, i have strong features. I remember how the app giggle read me as a man, but read an Asian troon a woman. I'm tired of being called a tranny each time I voice chat because I do have this monotonous frog voice. I wish I could shine feminity. At least when I was fat my curves read better, now I just look like some Pakistani dude and each time I look at my jaw, I wonder whether to shave it like scrotes tell me to or to just troon out and become an ayden.
I get picked on by men telling me that I'm a failed woman, and by women telling me I'm a failed man. It deeply hurts me that even when it's as a joke, as a banter and I answer back, it still hurts a lot to be treated almost less than a tranny because I have ethnic features and bad socialization. The way I dress doesn't help either, but I'd rather die than be seen in a tight office dress (i have a hourglass figure and all fashion magazine tell me to dress like a Latina hooker lol), i dress, look and act like an ayden AKA I'm GNC, and it's pretty much out of the picture for me to change in order to please handmaiden and scrotes.
I'm looking for advices to learn how to stop caring about it all, I'm not even speaking about self acceptance yet or self love. Because I know it's what I should do. No matter how much fat I lose or how much hair I grow, I'll always be this way. My ex who dated me came out as a homosexual femboy last year, so I just know for a thing that men interested in me are just testing the water in their closet. It's something I can't change, at least not without surgery, and I'd be no less different than an insecure self hating ayden if I did that.