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she didn't say it flat like that, but she made posts on the social site we met posting pro troon stuff so I just know she has this opinion. We ourselves haven't really talked about this stuff but from the context I can tell what she believes about this stuff.
I'm also from a country where this thing hasn't really caught on and it sucks I had to stumble on a person who shares my interests but has also gotten into the woke garbage. I will try to fit it into the convo somehow and see what happens
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>>306284accidentally posted this on the wrong thread so reposting it here
How do I motivate myself to leave my bed? I wake up and then I don't leave my bed for the next 6+ hours. I just lay and daydream or I sit on my phone and bingewatch shitty youtube videos. Sometimes when I have been laying down for 3 hours I will get up to pee but then I will go back to bed again and not leave until someone forces me to it
1. Embrace the fact that you’re about to do something you don’t actually want to do
2. Get dressed and go outside and start walking
I don’t know where you would be walking or what you would be doing but just walking for no reason is fine too. Just an idea.
I wasn’t thinking about me but I noticed I had a hard time accepting my friend who id’s as pansexual because I feel like she lied to me. She told me she experimented with a friend in her freshmen year which is new to me, fine whatever. But at the same time she experimented with a school friend of mine who was a freshman and lesbian which almost broke out friend group at the time because her boyfriend got pissed.
I noticed that she follows a lot of yaaaaas queeeeen type of accounts and is heavily into tiktok hence what I wrote at first.>>306322
I’m bI so many I’m projecting any insecurity on my friend.
Tell them that you are highly sensitive to eating noises because you're autistic. Tell them it's almost painful for you and you unfortunately cannot control it. Maybe they will be open to accommodating you (like make the kitchen the designated eating place so that you can avoid the kitchen and the noises) but also tell them that it is fine if they don't and that you would be down to celebrate their birthday with them another time (or something like that). I find that it is important to emphasize the severity of your problem, assure them that it is NOT their fault but simply something out of your control, and also let them know that you would really love to celebrate and spend time with them but if accommodations cannot be made that the best resolution would be to have a separate birthday hangout or something like that.
If your friends are understanding people then it should not be a problem at all.
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Executive dysfunction is seriously ruining my life, and I am not exaggerating. I've wasted opportunities because of this, it makes me want to puke thinking about it. I am pretty sure I don't have ADHD because when I was younger, I didn't have this much trouble doing anything. I can't do anything, I'm wasting away so many chances of moving forward. I only do the bare minimum at the last minute, just to get by but otherwise, I am just seemingly incapable. I know many anons must've went through/are going through this, do you have any advice?
I try to set alarms to take me out of my daydreaming or distractedness and that seems to work, but I lose focus again so easily. Sticky notes work too for me, I forget basic tasks like washing my face and changing underwear, like they escape my mind, so I set reminders, multiple. It's so humiliating and embarrassing. I want to get better, I really, really do. What else can I do? Anything that helps you with this problem? I even struggle with the advice of just doing something for 5 minutes, the idea of starting… it's so daunting, I know that's a common theme.
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Sometimes I also forget to shower and even brush my teeth, so what I do is play with this cute app I got, the name is "finch" and it turns doing shit into some sort of game, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't work, but it helps me most of the time because I check the app at least twice a day so I make sure I can make my bird gain lots of money to buy cute clothes and furniture.
You can even make custom tasks in case you can't find some specific task that you want to accomplish, like taking your pills or vitamins, or doodling something.
I struggle with this too (although I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, I just can't afford medication), and the "alarms and reminders" route for several months is what got me back on a schedule. The mindset of things having "consequences" is what gets me going too, sometimes I can't afford to be in a daze because I could get fired, I could lose money, I could fail classes, I won't pay my bills, etc. Not showering, washing my face, brushing my teeth, doing laundry, will make me unpresentable and feel gross.
I don't want to make assumptions about your life, but what I also did is reduce phone usage A LOT. I have no social media and no browser with bookmarks on my phone anymore. The only apps I have besides the default ones are boring stuff like banking. I also used to daydream while listening to music on headphones/airpods, so I stopped doing that as a way to ground myself. I also work out, I've read that exercising an hour can help with focus. Eating less crap in my diet too. I don't believe in the conspiracy that sugar gives kids ADHD but I do notice junk food or too many artificial colors make my symptoms worse (I once drank coffee creamer with some in it and I felt more wired than usual).
I think symptoms that mimick ADHD but aren't inborn tend to a result of being stuck in your environment and your brain trying to find ways to pass time.
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Even with consent, never ever let a moid choke you. Don't have sex with him again.
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I sell stuff online. I've hit the point where I want to expand. Obviously it's not very consistent even if I've made quit a bit, and, well, I need much more money to save up, invest, etc.
I decided that I should start learning a skill to add value to things. I.e., reconditioning. It icks me out reselling what I find at weird spots (like estate sales) because it feels wrong somehow and I'd rather grow my skillset. However, I'm stuck because, well, I want a big reach still. Redoing furniture is pretty straight-forward but it's really hard to handle and also is limited locally.
Here's what I thought about so far:
>3D printing commissions; i.e., designing something niche or out of print
>reconditioning small things like small collector's items
>repairing old tech
Starting from when I was a kid I used to fix my family's stuff, computer glitches, broken consoles, etc, and I like solving issues + learning stuff along the way. I have 0 confidence and hate taking risks so I'd like some feedback on all of this, please, and thank you.
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How do you get over the weird need of being obsessed with someone? In a """"romantic"""" way
Every time i like a dude i'm only into his looks and i do not feel like even going near them, i just fantasize about them, i used to obsses over fictional characters but i can't anymore (ithink?) When the thrill of being into a guy is over i feel strangely empty
>Inb4 "get a hobby/friends/a job"
I read, draw, bake/cook and take care of plants, i have a friend group and i'm currently studying
Is it self sabotage or something?
Thank you a lot anons for your sweet advice, I'm not gonna ignore it, like… enough is enough.>>306597
Sounds cool, it seems like a more advanced version of my current 'set hella reminders' method. I'm glad it seems to be working for you, too. I tried to give myself rewards for doing work manually, but since I was in control, I just reaped the rewards before completing my tasks so it never worked, no self-control.>>306607>>306613
I'm really bad at introspection, it's hard for me to even describe what I feel to myself sometimes. I guess I'm afraid to put in the work and it not working out anyways? I have a bubble of comfort (despite the constant stress) because I am not doing anything so I already know the outcome but when I do do things, I have to dread it all being in vain, or something unexpected happening…>Do you want to spend a majority of your life struggling and regretting and feeling ashamed?
I need to tell myself this so much more often, so thanks for putting this thought in my head.>>306755
I actually did fail classes and really fucked myself up education-wise because of this, and it was the first actual, big consequence I had to face and I think it was honestly a good wake up call, but then I started losing myself again which I am just now realizing right now because I fucked something up AGAIN and it's crazy because I saw it coming and didn't do anything. God. But consequences are the only thing that do motivate me, and constant reminders. >I also used to daydream while listening to music on headphones/airpods, so I stopped doing that as a way to ground myself.
How did you stop? This is the one thing I can't seem to give up, I waste a lot of my time that I'm not working doing this and completely forget about the things I have to do. >a result of being stuck in your environment and your brain trying to find ways to pass time
You may be onto something. Thanks again anon, I'll keep your advice in mind. I have some bigger things upcoming and I just hope I don't fail myself, like I have so many times before.
Idk if this is the right place for this
I moved to a new city almost 6 months ago and while I do have friends we don’t contact each other much. When I’m not working I’m alone at home :/
I’ve never had a relationship. This didn’t bother me until I moved because I didn’t realise how lonely life is when you don’t have family around you or a partner. I’m also super touch starved :(
In my new job in the city I developed a work crush. It felt nice to finally have someone seemingly “care” about me, or even go out of their way to talk to me. We had great chemistry and Blbecause I’m autistic and have ADHD I hyperfixate on crushes. I was hoping that finally I might have a bf.
But it turns out that he had a gf, which really upset and shocked me when I found out. He hid that information from me, and gaslit me, saying that by never mentioning her he never lied to me. Obviously BS.
I stopped being friends with him for like a month but it was very awkward because we work together (I know don’t shit where you sleep…)
We were/are friends again but I found myself slowly catching feelings again, because I have no one else. If I had a dating life I wouldn’t be making the same mistakes with the same guy over and over again… just hurting myself for no reason.
Because I was so desperate for something, anything, I thought to myself maybe i could try and steal him from his gf. I even entertained the idea of being FWB’s just so I could finally
do something with a guy.
I was and still am also so desperate for validation from him. I feel/felt like if I could
“Steal” him it meant that I’m truly pretty.
For the past few weeks I saw him get close to another girl and I got hurt again because I felt disposable. What I hated the most was that when she was around he would blank me like we weren’t friends. Like I would cockblock him if I was around them.
I knew that he wasn’t a loyal or respectful guy, yet I still somehow expected some loyalty towards me even though he’s taken lmao (I know I’m dumb). I didn’t expect him to be so blatantly pursuing another girl in front of me. (Which is dumb of me)
But I decided I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset again.
The problem is I don’t really know how to navigate this situation now.
I’m content with being just friends with him, I no longer desire any kind of romantic relationship with him. I get along with him well and I don’t really wanna lose our friendship. But clearly on his end, he cannot treat me like a friend because the moment another girl he’s attracted to enters the picture he acts like we aren’t friends?
I don’t wanna feel alone at work or have any awkwardness at work but I don’t want to be treated like a fool.
I keep walking into situations where I’m treated like crap because I low-key hate myself.
I’m very ashamed of being an autistic handhold-less virgin in my early 20’s, and I feel even more ashamed because I’m very conventionally attractive so society tells me that there must be something very wrong with me :(
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but my advice would be to distance yourself from him. I know it sucks to be alone (believe me). I'm in a really similar situation to you- alone, far from family and friends, no friends at work, no romantic relationship history, etc. You explained it pretty well yourself. You're really lonely and that's why you're catching feelings for this guy, but he's also unavailable and it seems like he isn't able to set good boundaries with you as a friend. And since you have a crush on him and are in a pretty vulnerable position right now (feeling isolated), can you trust that you'd be able to set good emotional boundaries with him? Also, if he acts like you don't exist when he's around another girl he doesn't sound like that great of a friend either.
I know it can be so tempting to be friends with anyone when we're lonely, even people who don't make us feel good but I could easily see this situation blowing up in your face or making things even worse. If you put distance between yourself and him now, you're saving yourself from possible drama down the line plus you don't give him the satisfaction of stringing you along. That's just my two cents.
AYRT. I never really stopped daydreaming but like I mentioned, not
listening to music and trying to acknowledge my surroundings is a basic grounding technique I learned in therapy. I would basically force myself to leave the house with no airpods and have to look at things around me and interact with people so I won't get stuck in my head or the music. That's another reason why I use reminders, since they can be snoozed or repeat and keep coming back until I have to confront what I need to do.
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how do i muster up the courage to begin connecting with others after isolating myself for literal years?
i finally decided to recover from anorexia during the holiday season and i can't help but feel so self-conscious about the way i look. i decided to begin eating intuitively and give up tracking numbers, weighing myself, etc. which has been a giant burden lifted off my shoulders, both mentally and physically.
however, there are times where i barely want to leave my house because i am so embarrassed about the fact that i've gained some weight. i feel as though that by choosing recovery, im setting myself back even further from going out to socialize and getting to know people, all because of my low self-esteem and self-perception of the way i look.
now that my brain fog is essentially gone, i've realized that all i ever wanted was for someone to just care about me, to treat me right, to tell me things are going to be okay in the end. i know this is sort of a vent but im just not sure where to go from here. ive considered getting back onto social media but im still hesitant overall. any advice is appreciated and im wishing you all a happy new year <3
In the past 3 years, I've gone from a high-functioning career-oriented bright new thing in my field to a depressed anxious wreck who cares about nothing anymore. I may have irreparably injured my reputation and career. One of my parents died, I had three operations (one emergency, two had to do with an adrenal gland tumor that was causing me to collapse and have panic attacks/tachycardia/doom/headaches). I am now paying a psychiatrist insane amounts of money (draining my savings) in the hopes of repairing my fucked-up coping mechanisms and severe anxiety. Basically I avoid a lot of things because I am afraid of having another adrenaline explosion. I am terrified of things that never bothered me before. I literally can't even submit receipts for money my job and insurance company owes me - it's so far from anything normal people fear. I know my fear of email has to do with some fucked-up people in positions of power over me who sent me the absolute shittiest messages while I was returning from burying my parent (having taken just 7 days off) and then again when I was released from hospital during strict lockdown, barely able to walk.
I get the feeling that no one will ever care or understand what I've been through. I feel like there can be no redemption for me because my physical health issues manifested in psychological ones too.
Is there any hope? I went through all this alone in a a foreign country, 2 out of 3 operations performed Only my ex visited me when I was in hospital for 2.5 weeks. I am so ashamed of how I've acted (not reading emails, not communicating) that it makes it that much harder to get back on track.
I tried an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med but feel better without it… I got a ton of side effects from it. I'm taking a small dose of Armodafinil and a beta-blocker as needed.
I feel like the whole world is allowed to love themselves and be gentle with themselves, but not me. I fucked up and so I have to work around the clock to fix it.
I need to face my abusive supervisor at some point and submit my dissertation so I can get my phd, but ffs this person is the worst offender. I am terrified of having any emotion in front of this person.
sorry for rambling, I just needed to get this out and I'm on my phone. Also my dog has canine cognitive disorder and it's killing me to see her so confused.
Is there hope, nonnas? I had every hope for my future earlier, when I was overworked and just accepting abuse from everyone. I thought like all things, I could weather the storm. But now, I think I've fucked up everything and my colleagues were never my friends. I'm so alone and I don't even recognize myself anymore. I fucking hate myself and unfortunately there is no pill for that.
I guess it's more accurate to say this:
I care and overthink everything, but feel paralyzed to the point where I say I don't care anymore. Everything I've delayed is permanently in my mind, mocking me
>>307045>i finally decided to recover from anorexia during the holiday season and i can't help but feel so self-conscious about the way i look. i decided to begin eating intuitively and give up tracking numbers, weighing myself, etc. which has been a giant burden lifted off my shoulders, both mentally and physically.
Nonna! I am so proud of you for doing this. It's hard, and you'll have bad days, but now you can concentrate on all the wonderful things about yourself and the world, and not pointless weight/calorie things.
>however, there are times where i barely want to leave my house because i am so embarrassed about the fact that i've gained some weight
This is normal and I completely understand. However, most people do not scrutinize others the way EDed people scrutinize themselves. Can you put together some outfits that make you feel comfortable? Cut out the tags if you have to buy new sizes (oversized is trendy anyway, so it truly doesn't matter, everyone is buying bigger sizes). Sometimes doing something else differently to "catch" any attention makes me feel better - wearing a new hairband with some decoration on it, some eye-catching necklace or pair of gloves (if it is cold). That way any attention gets drawn to those things and not to my body.
The other thing that helps me is working out or doing yoga regularly. I feel less like I want to beat my body into submission and more like I want to use it to its best potential. Don't go overboard obv.
As for wanting comfort and validation, this is very hard and something I struggle with too. It's also a double-edged sword with lolcow as a site bc you see the best and the worst of the internet here. Do you have anyone you talk to regularly? Could you be more open with that person? If not, what avenues for forging friendship or affirmative encouragement appeal to you? Sometimes you can click with a a person quickly in the right environment. As an introvert, I prefer people who make me feel comfortable - often this means I'm drawn to those who at least less introverted than I am. I found a kindred spirit in a research group I was part of (as a researcher) and that was surprising, as before then I never imagined opening up to someone who was also in my field professionally.
idk if anything helped but nonna, life without anorexia will be so much more fulfilling and interesting, I promise.
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How do I stop having internalized misogyny?
Former gendie, former 4chan addict, and used to be friends with an incel. Recently hit the final peak trans experience and realized that being female is inescapable.
I would stay away from social media and find irl hobbies. Take up an art class, cooking class, knitting, interpretive dance, language learning basically anything and get out there and make connections. Easier said then done but it's the only way to escape isolation as an adult.>>306928
Too much introspection is not good and if you are doing it without any guidance it won't be productive. It turns into rumination and overthinking very easily. Go to therapy or try doing a cbt workbook on your own.
I got a pheochromocytoma and that indirectly made me afraid of being contacted by people, lol. But it was so easy to leave FB since that site is cancer anyway. I did start some other hobbies and focused more on things I could enjoy myself vs. just watching or indirectly enjoying. I started painting and working out more.
You can start by turning off notifications though.
which social media is hardest for you to quit? IG gets really repetitive but I still occasionally look at my lurker account to see some animal accounts I follow and a grief account I found helpful.
I got bored seeing the same shit over and over, the filters, the fakeness. I want something real in life or I want to learn something new.
We were supposed to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas together, new years, my birthday.
Instead I spent my birthday in the fucking psych ward because I tried to kill myself on it and I've got Christmas presents from my parents unopened and all of my possessions are still in my car from when I left.
I think it would make sense for you to derive some comfort from them and get emotionally stable with their help if necessary. Therapy, grounding yourself. If you are having legal issues, you need to consider how to handle those as well.
But if you are innocent, your power is in the truth of your innocence. People may need time to see the truth. You can't force it, sometimes you have to wait.
As far as coping, I would start with the people who trust you and believe you. You don't need all those other people. You need yourself, your truth, and your support system right now.
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need some practical advice. i have a bunch of stuff that i could (need to) sell, some of it for a fair amount, like an old dslr camera.
however, i absolutely hate selling things online. i've done it a couple of times and a) it makes me feel unsafe, especially as i live alone and it's always men that want to buy things and b) the hassle - people don't show up or change their minds, you're always waiting around.
is there another way to sell things, preferably in one go? i was thinking about a yard sale or car boot but not sure it's worth it and i hate haggling. or is there a third party service that can buy things in bulk? I'm based in the UK but just trying to get an idea if these things exist and how to go about them.
any other ideas or tips for making selling online less shit?
Either read more misandrist content, or just interact with moids irl (reccomended), some of them can be ok in a platonic setting and are leagues less mentally ill than ones that live online. Being in this weird, very scrotey mindset of "hate, but wanna fuck" will keep you in a death spiral - so try to talk to them and find ways to be self-reliant if you really hate them.
And you can always sublimate your horniness to motivate your career goals
As a zoomer myself, I have a bf from my generation who acts like a grownup. I met him at a party irl, not online.
Just get some fresh air and talk to some friends. Or get some.
Do you interact with guys regularly IRL or just read pinkpill content? I barely have any male friends but a lot of pinkpill content made me super paranoid and scared of going outside, so I stay away from that online and stick to being alone or having female friends. I think "not all men" stuff is spineless, but as someone who has PTSD from male violence, it made things a lot worse to see men as walking animals ready to rape anyone. It's like exposure therapy to interact with men platonically in public settings now.
When it comes to coping with wanting relationships, I guess you can buy a toy as an outlet. I talk to yumejo types who feel the same way about men and just stick to 2D, but that only really works if you're already a weeb.
for a, you can make a po box or rent a virtual address.
but you could try selling them at a pawnshop. the price might be lower but less hassle
You can try but i never made any friends off of that app.
Btw if i lived in your town (which i probably don't, i ive in eastern europe) i would totally love being your friend.
i really have no idea how to start this but i’ll try my best since it’s been bugging me for a while. i dated a guy for a couple of weeks and he dumped me for another girl like 3 years ago. now, i have relatively specific interests and taste in music that is kinda uncommon where i live and for my age, and all of a sudden, the new girl my ex started dating began adopting the same interests as i out of nowhere (she used to be really into anime and vocaloid and then in the span of one month began to listen to experimental/industrial/no wave, which is a pretty big jump). i’m pretty good friends with my ex nowadays and i’ve even asked him about his ex skinwalking me (they broke up after a while too), and he did confirm to me that she did seem like the type to just adopt someone else’s personality/image to possibly cope with her own issues. the issue is, that i’ve never spoken to that girl (we do know of each other because we went to the same school) and i kind of really want to. i still sometimes catch her listening to my spotify playlists, and honestly, i’ve never had a female friend with the same interests as i, so, would it be admitting defeat to try and be friends with my skinwalker somehow? and is it even smart to potentially befriend someone who acts like that? but at this point, i’ve got nothing against her and i would just like to get to know her and be her friend. i’m sorry if this sounds like a mess nonnas i find this situation really hard to explain
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My family is driving me insane, any tips to get out? some problems, though
>cant get a job because all the retail jobs in my country dont pay enough to move out/live and my country currency devalues way too fast to save up
>my only skills are useless(art related) or i am not good enough at them(ESL with terrible pronunciation skills and average writting skills)
is there a way out? anything i can do? any tips to not anhero?
I am currently doing some twitch streams hoping it will help me with my pronunciation but my english is too shitte to get simps to get me out.
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Had a dogshit ex who I ended things with (thank fucking god) a year ago. He was my first relationship, only thing I'm upset about is that I didn't end things when I had that initial doubt the first fucking week. He was absolutely pathetic and I nearly let myself fall to his level.
How do I stop? Any guy who's interested in me makes me think about a repeat with another Mr. Dogshit. I think about him and I'm just mad. I know present doesn't change the past, but it's getting annoying having to think of dogshit.
I literally will not touch another male until I've finished college. Any male that confesses or shows ANY sign of something more than platonic to me fills me with utter loathing. (But then again, contenders so far have been dogshit.) I tried with someone who was nice, and he really was — but I couldn't shake that inner feeling of fucking disgust and apathy towards romance.. touch.. anything so I let it go for the both of us.
I mean, it's a good thing that I'll focus on my academics/career. But I know it's sort of fucked. I've been like this for a year now. Anyone else go/going through something similar? Is this just typical ex stages of grief/etc. stuff?
I say don't cancel it, just do it, getting fired won't be such a big deal, you cal always put on your CV that you got fired because of something you can't control or something like that.
If they pay you for doing your job, then that means you're doing things right even if you have a lisp.
Try putting your toothbrush and toothpaste on your nightstand/next to your bed, next to a bowl of water. That way you don't even have to get out of bed to brush your teeth, you can do it laying down half asleep, and you'll be reminded of it right when you wake up and go to bed.
For showering, this might sound stupid but maybe take your favorite cold drink with you to sip on during the shower. I like to take a beer with me during long weekend showers. It may help to make it less boring and hate it less, and also possibly distract from your sensory issues, since you can focus on the taste and temperature difference instead.
Those two are the most important, for anything else I'd suggest to try and multitask as much as you can so that it's not as boring and saves time. I don't really know how to establish a routine since I don't have one either, but these things could at least make it easier.
The bedside water trick is really inventive! I'll try to do it. I worry about making a mess, but it should be fine as long as I'm careful. I also like your idea about bringing a drink into the shower. I don't think it will work for me since I only drink water and anything cold hurts my teeth, but I hope it will help someone else. Thank you so much>>307777
I think using the video as a timer is quite clever actually. I'll also try this! I don't usually watch short videos so I'll have to find some. Maybe AMVs kek. I appreciate the suggestion >>307779
Yes, the underlying issues… I can trim the leaves of my problem but it will keep growing unless I go for the roots. You're right, and I will keep in mind that these are symptoms of a larger (lifelong) issue. I definitely need more help than I'm currently getting. I'm glad medication worked for you. Thanks for replying>>307781
Very true. I'll try to talk about it next time. Thank you for the encouragement
You were all very kind to offer your advice. I'm going to go take a shower. Thanks again.
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I posted picrel months ago and I got over it some weeks later, but I feel myself slipping back into it. Does anybody have phases like that too, and have you ever found out how to get over it more quickly? lol
That sounds awful anon, I understand why you want to help, but honestly I think you should stay out of it. In my experience there just isn’t much you can do to help someone with mental health issues who doesn’t want help (yes I have tried), especially someone diagnosed who isn’t taking their meds. People like that will drain you dry, and it sounds like your brother in law is already burnt out. >>307911
That’s bizarre, I definitely agree with the other anon, keep calling the cops every time you hear it, if only to create a paper trail. Write down the times you hear the DV noises, mention specific times you’ve heard it.
and you're probably right. It's just really sad because her and I were friends and I would have never thought in a million years that she would do something like this. We lived together so I heard her having arguments with my brother in law, so I knew things were bad. Just not… this bad. I've been in contact with her mom too and it just seems like she's not fazed by the way she's acting. Thank you for the advice, anon.
once you get the problem under control, you can get a laser treatment to heal textured and scarred skin.
it's really hard. I went on accutane and told myself I couldn't mess with my skin too much or the medicine would not work. I decided to trust in the medicine.
I know how hard it is. I used to injure my legs too, using tools and trying to get at dark hairs I could see under the skin. Do not even start doing that, my legs still have some scarring from that. For 2 years I couldn't show my bare legs. in my early twenties. So fucked up.
The best way to try to stop is to find another thing to obsess over and reward yourself for days without derm. behaviors. I got into masks even though I believe they do nothing. Then I said to myself, oh I can't go open my skin after doing this mask. This usually worked, though of course not 100%. Hydrocolloid bandages are awesome, try to buy in bulk.
The psychological urge for me is def rooted in deep BDD and insecurities, the longer I look at myself, the more I hate what I see. This part will take longer to heal. The first step is stopping or reducing physical behaviors.
You can do this. I know you can.
samefag - I did obsess over hairs I could "see" under my skin, but I still think all of that was dermatillomania and not really trich. So another anon will need to comment about trich.
Fwiw a dermatologist back then reassured me that if my legs didn't completely heal, I could have laser to remove hyperpigmentation. Right now I can handle how it looks, esp since I need to focus on finishing my grad degree.
The laser I had was €300, for hyperpigmentation on my face. I may have it again after finishing accutane. I'm still on it. It's expensive but has benefits aside from just reducing scars and pigmentation.
Anyway everything was really bad for awhile, especially my legs (I had to wear trousers or tights all the time, they hurt from the wounds I inflicted, etc. But things can get better, anon
If you use tools to injure or pluck hairs, lock them in a safe or (better) give them to someone who lives with you (if you live with someone). Ask them to help you stop by making you "check out" the tools from them personally. For me, these were tweezers and needles.
I used a low dose of tretinoin gel to start treating marks I made but only after they were no longer open. While the wounds were open, I applied an antibiotic ointment (Neosporin, got in the US)
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I didn't think about this much before, but is the age gap with my bf too large?
I'm 23 and he recently turned 28. He met me when i was 21 and we've been friends until recently, when our relationship developed and became more romantic. our parents don't think our gap is too big or weird, but i recently had an uber driver who, when making conversation with me, asked me his age and she literally went silent and said "isn't that a little old for you?"
the whole ride, she was talking to me as if i'm some victim and asking all these questions about him trying to determine if he deserves me, joking about how i should leave him if he doesnt do etc etc. it was incredibly weird. she was a woman in her 50s, if that is relevant to this.
she also spent the whole ride basically traumadumping about her deadbeat son who won't ever go see his daughter and how she has to help raise her granddaughter because he won't step up and get a job.
oh yes, don't do masks until your wounds are closed. You can use a cooling gel mask (the kind that you put in the freezer), though. They are cheap on Amazon.
Once things are better, good reasonably priced mask options are the Etude House Air sheet masks (buy on Amazon or K-beauty sites) or L'Oreal black algae bamboo something (a sheet mask) for combination and breakout prone skin. I liked a couple other korean masks but those are harder to find. An aloe mask might not sting and could promote healing, though.
Laser can treat the pitted scars too. It may be a different kind of laser, though. I told my dermatologist I wanted to postpone the second laser treatment she recommended until after I was done with accutane - I'm going to ask her then about options for whatever is left on my face. I have some pitting as well, though luckily not too much. I can also say that if you are in Europe, you can have laser treatments done in Eastern Europe for a fraction of what I paid, I just didn't want to travel to Slovakia or wherever and risk getting covid before my big job event. But tons of people do that stuff cheaply in other countries.
I can say that I had moderate/serious acne with cysts and everything. Accutane has helped a lot. If you do have acne, taking a big step towards fixing it permanently might help with the derm. behaviors. I know personally that I had tried everything to cure my acne - yes, every regimen, every lesser non-hormonal drug (uncomfortable with hormones given gyn issues I have). So when I started the pills I didn't want to fuck it up. I told myself I would give it the best chance of working.
If you don't have severe acne, obviously don't go on that drug though.
definitely get an opinion from an orthodontist. you might need surgery or headgear or something but orthodontia can really do a lot.>>308253
you answered your own question, nonny
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Got diagnosed with hypothyroidism and besides the 7kg weight gain I've also been struggling with major brain frog, have literally been just laying in bed doing nothing
No phone, no music no sound or thinking. NOTHING. Just an empty smooth brain.
Dunno if I can pin it all on that however, but it's probably still a factor
Anyways yeah I wanna lose weight ughgughh I've starved myself before and I'm willing to do it again but as a last resort so plz, do any other nonnies that struggle with hashimotos or hypothyroidism have any advice? It would be much appreciated
How did I answer my own question? I want to know why I'm attracted to them or date them in the first place. I never find out they're closeted until too late when we're already dating.>>308256>>308270
They're not even well put together but my type does seem more 'safe' than the average male to me and less aggressive/testosterone-fueled because I'm a nervous fuck about DV and stuff. Which is kind of a joke bc the bi one actually assaulted me and would inflict his violent kinks upon me during sex no matter how many fights or times I told him not to.
Hello I'm a fellow hashimotos girl. First of all, did you recently get diagnosed or has it been a while? First couple of weeks on meds can make you feel more fatigued.
But ofc fatigue in general is just a part of the disease. I've had it for 15 years and learned that 90% of my problems are from my body's reaction to what I eat. It could be different for different people so I'm not gonna tell you to cut out gluten or anything specific. Just pay attention to how you feel after eating certain things, and if something makes you feel extra lethargic or shitty… don't eat it. Sadly a lot of the best stuff will do that so it's easier said than done.
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How can I get rid of feeling ashamed of any manner of self expression?
I know what causes it - my mother never really accepted me as a child and incessantly compared to me to other children that she perceived to be better than me. As a result I developed this anticipation of being humiliated whenever I say or do anything and also have a tendency to criticize myself. She has changed as I grew up and not as critical as she used to be but I still struggle with making mistakes and just express myself without feeling sick with fear of someone criticizing me.
This makes my 'active' hobbies very difficult to do, as they are rooted in self expression - writing and drawing. It is always very difficult to start any of them, I usually procrastinate because there are always very difficult feelings that arise and I have to get over them first before I can enjoy any of these activities. There are usually thoughts like 'I suck at this', 'If anyone sees what I'm drawing/writing, they will ridicule me, and rightly so', and 'I'm not talented enough and therefore there is no point in doing this'.
I usually fight them off by rationalizing ('I don't have to be perfect/good to have hobbies and I have a right to enjoy myself) but it's so fucking hard because I have to do this every single time I sit down to draw or write and I just want to be able to be spontaneous and create without the feeling of shame first. Has anyone experienced this and has advice? Sorry for the novel
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I failed an exam that was impossible to fail. It had a 100% passing rate. My professor told me that it was super easy and you had to really mess up to fail it. She assured me this. Everyone who had done the exam assured me this. Yet I still failed. What do I do from here? Kill myself? I don't want to die but I'm too stupid to live. I'm all out of options and I can't keep living like this. I have also failed my other exams. What should I do?
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well, I just got fired from my job today just before my birthday coming up soon… I was going to make a post here last week about dealing with my social anxiety in a very social team but I decided not to post it. I got terminated from my job because I wasn't progressing much from my objectives for my probation, it hasn't even been a month since I set them. They also fired me because they were worrying about my mental health… I guess it's my fault for opening up to them about my social anxiety but at the same time I was presenting and getting involved with some things. I was even speaking up and engaging with training.
oh I forgot to mention that I was only in the job for under 3 months. also like I said before the team was really social and love to drink. people would start pulling out beers and ciders by the time it hits 5pm even though some of us dont even finish until 5:30pm.I also had a situation where my team were out drinking and one of my colleagues (in a higher role than me) offered to buy me a drink. she ended up buying me a drink with more alcohol than I asked and I ended up getting tipsy, this was during my first 2 weeks…
so yeah what next steps should I take now that I'm unemployed again? and how should I overcome my social anxiety in a work environment?
her supervisor knows everything? what.
you cannot continue a therapeutic relationship in this scenario.
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How do I stop fixating on negative interactions? I try to be nice to people, maintain a positive/neutral attitude, and resolve issues, but people insist on being rude and mean. It’s demoralizing, and hurts my feelings honestly, because I try to show good intentions as clearly as possible yet people don’t care. I have thick skin most of the time, and I remain calm, but when I’m being genuinely nice and it gets disregarded multiple times it hurts. I can’t stop fixating on this stuff and it interrupts my day sometimes.
yeah I thought they would be open about mental health because during the final interview they mention about the stuff they do for mental health, the wellbeing days off, mental health first aiders, the 24/7 talking therapy etc. it's my fault that I believed they care and for opening up about my mental health. I even had a colleague quietly tell me to not let the others see me cry as they can use it against you.
anyways I'm making a dumb decision to appeal the termination as I feel I havent had much experience in doing the work (been mainly doing training for the last 2 months) and I only just signed up for the mental health support to be put in place at work last Friday. Am I making a bad decision or should I just move on?
also I'm reaching out to some people about some freelancing too
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Where’s a good place to find a high value moid? I’m in my late 20’s and am not in school anymore. I’ve gone out and done classes for my hobbies and stuff but there’s not a lot of moids my age there either. I’m thinking of maybe going to grad school but I want to know if there are any lower cost options kek.
I've been working on myself and I still get depressed every month over how ugly I feel. I don't meant physically ugly. I mean, desirable. To be clear, I know I'm actually desirable enough. But I do not feel that way. I work out, I work full time and do well at my job, I'm taking classes to pursue another career, I have hobbies (reading, writing about the music I listen to, writing my own lyrics/songs, etc), but I still feel unattractive on a fundamental level. My boyfriend did some stupid stuff in the past that did not help with this insecurity, but it's been years since those incidents and he has truly improved. So, how do I get over feeling ugly? It is definitely linked to the person who sa'ed me calling me ugly. I dress well, I try to put on makeup, but I still feel bad about myself. I used to pursue sex with my bf but I just can't bear to have it anymore. Not because of him, but because I'm tired of feeling ugly and undeserving of sex. I know, it's not "important" or whatever. But this makes me chronically unhappy. Sometimes I get over it, but sure enough, every month this pattern repeats. I suspect I may have mild bipolar and this contributes since it's cyclical. But anyway. Advice is appreciated.
I experience something similar but less intense than this when I'm under extreme stess. I think it might be a combination of that + actual, real OCD + what the other nonnie
said in that it's a progressing issue. I hope you're able to get the help you need.
I feel bad for you nonny
that sucks, but there comes a time in every woman’s life where she learns there is almost no man on earth who “just wants to be friends” with a woman
When I hang out with my older brother and his wife, she can make critical remarks about him and, although no rude words or insults are used, it still sounds pretty mean-spirited and I'd say disrespectful. She straight-up lectures him in front of me, and it's always one-sided, like she doesn't even think he has a right to respond. And he indeed doesn't really respond, except for some mumbling maybe. We grew up in a family where negative emotions were a taboo, you couldn't just show them, speak about them, be angry at adults in the family. He's a very kind and soft person, and I'm sure he feels uncomfortable because I'm around and can hear all of it. It also seems like she doesn't act like that around our mom, but something made her think it'd be more appropriate with me. My brother and I have always had good relationships but we're not close and we never discussed anything private, nothing regarding relationships or our feelings and all that stuff. It bothers me greatly but I really don't know what to do about it. Should I talk to him first? I'm more than sure he'll just brush it off and make a little joke about it, but I can see he doesn't take it that easy. He won't just suddenly open up to me. Should I react in some way the next time, showing I'm not fine with that and don't think it's ok? I also feel like I would definitely react if it was my sister and her bf/husband. But, well, I find it easier to have a direct conflict with men, and it's way more difficult with women for me for some reason.
Emotionally manipulates him in what way?
Also, "macho man yet is really a softie" makes me think you're extremely biased.
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Apologies if this is better suited to Careers thread. I remember there being one awhile ago but couldn't seem to find it. Still needing advice regardless.
I work in the field of domestic violence and I have become everything I feared. I have become bitter and burnt out. I have become apathetic to my clients and, though not openly stated, this is mandatory to stay afloat in this job. I only remain at my work for the part-time hours and the good pay and the feeling of guilt of how this was everything I worked for. I wanted to be a social worker and make change and I grinded for five years in study and lower roles to get here. However the organisation I worked for has been so difficult and unstable this past year that I think that aspiration is dead now. I don't even want to do this work for another organisation. What this boils down to is a need to quit for my own sanity. It's now gotten to the point that my friendships and relationships are impacted by my poor mental wellbeing. Physical side effects have started too. But I'm scared. I'm so mentally frayed I cannot even begin to plan my next step while working because coming home means collapsing on my bed, too drained to think. Either that or I'm practising avoidance behaviour because it hurts to think about this. All I can think of is how this next step will be achievable once I'm out of the role. Is this just the mentality of a rat crawling further into a maze to avoid an electric shock? I've never left a job without a plan and right now all I want to do, as stupid as it sounds, is be a park ranger. But I don't really know for sure. Being this frayed, I'm so open to persuasion so I'm scared I'll be led in the direction of what everybody else wants me to do.
I have enough savings to float me for a year if needed and I can be frugal as hell, but I still have that feeling that any decision I make is the wrong one. If any nonnas have experienced a career shift or a similar situation with quitting a job or have advice, I'd so greatly appreciate it.
TLDR: Mental health is compromised by work. Should I leave with savings but without a career plan?
It may have been that, speaking to you, she got some courage to identify her experience as rape after initially discussing it and recognising it from your own experience. (I'm sorry you had it. Nobody should ever had it happen to them). Maybe she didn't tell the whole truth during that first recollection. You're right that you don't have the ground to say she wasn't raped as she could easily turn the tables and throw the comment back at you or say something out of a feeling of betrayal. .
Regardless, the fact that your sister is continuously bringing it up to you is a shitty thing to do, even if unintentionally. It doesn't recognise that this could be something you don't want to talk about because it's an absolutely horrible experience.
I don't think there's any way not to judge her as it seems you've already done so and unless she releases any further information you believe disputes your opinion that it wasn't or was, your opinion won't change. I would say to be supportive in the way you feel most comfortable, even if it's not directly (E.g. do something fun, keep her company, talk shit. I know these sound trivial but even these things are supportive). Make those boundaries with her not to speak about it to establish your own well-being because you can't help anyone if you're struggling yourself. Rather than thinking it didn't happen perhaps reframe it to 'I won't ever truly know what happened' before it morphs into 'I don't think it happened' or 'I don't believe her' as that will lead to some horrible, horrible thoughts you don't deserve.
You can believe what you want but him being your brother can you make biased. You’re also assuming she’s pretending to not understand. How do you know? Are you in her head?
You were raised with this moid. Probably by the same people? You share speech and logic patterns that you were raised around. Of course you understand him! Kek that doesn’t mean people outside your little group do or other women ever will. Men also hide the abuse they do from their loved ones all the time. Abusers are very protective of their perfect image so your want and care may very well be the reason you can’t see what he’s doing to attribute to the situation.
Do you have mostly male friends by any chance? Or do you have a strong community of women around you?
in fact, i only have female friends and never interact with males besides the once in a blue moon hangouts with a couple of male family members. i also have a close relationship with my mother. i am extremely critical of males and don't care to have a boyfriend, so if you're assuming i'm a pickme or nlog or whatever else, you are sorely mistaken. i'm done looking for advice on this here. i've seen him desperately try to defend himself while she yells over him, but sure, it's far more plausible he's playing 6d chess to look like a poor victim
in front of his sister only. why did i expect a halfway decent result from people who believe a woman can never, ever be wrong even if she were to say 2 + 2 = 5? good luck to the other anon.
I’m sorry it twisted your fucking britches, but calm the fuck down. Yes I asked contextual questions to feel you out. There’s lots of women biased to their own male relatives. Sorry you’re a special snowflake that didn’t happen to. The point stands you’re not in her head. You’re assuming she doesn’t understand. If he has a problem he should address it.
Women can but are normally not abusive
. Men are normally abusive
but can not be. That’s the difference. Grow the fuck up and calm the fuck down.
It's mostly because the last time I heard that, it turned out the brother had been abusive
and yet his sister kept on acting like he was some perfect softie. I'm morbidly curious what your brother's wife says of him behind closed doors, but in any case you're probably right.
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Please, be patient with me while I tell you my story:
>big sister with two younger brothers
>really close when were little, was like a mother to them
>practically raised them and teached them morals and values because our parents were kind of carefree in that regard
>they mimicked me and wanted to do a lot of the same things I did
>go to university at a different city, hundreds of miles away from home
>not there for them anymore while they are going through first years of puberty
>both of them get into a big fight while i'm away, stop talking to each other, things are tense at home
>return home for a while, everything is ok at first, but the youngest one starts to ignore me
>he does some pretty stupid shit I don't approve of
>end up fighting
>we stop talking to each other, i only talk to my other brother
>my other brother also starts ignoring me from time to time, also does some shit that ticks me off
>when I get upset with him, he brushes it off, doesn't want to apologize or fix his behaviour
>decide to distance myself from him
>not talking anymore with him either
>parents ask me to fix things every time I come back home
>snap and tell them i'm tired of being the one that always has to forgive even if I don't get an apology from them, they are teens now, not lil' kids
>they seem to stop pushing it
>it's my birthday
>out of the blue, the youngest one wishes me happy birthday and tells me he loves me even though we don't talk that much
I told him I love him too, because tbh I was sad that our relationship had faded just like that. But my anger was greater, and I didn't want to be "the big sister" like I always have been. My mother always told me to forgive them when we were little and we fought, and I understood that they were kids and they made mistakes so I did. But I was tired of always having to talk to them, instead of them making an effort to fix things now that they are older. It was like they didn't fucking care about me or our relationship at all.
I do wonder what should I do now. It was pretty awkward to tell him I loved him, and I don't really know how our relationship is going to play out. He has changed a lot and I don't think we have a lot in common anymore.
Do you have any advice on how I should approach this?
td;lr: Me and my younger brothers fought some years ago and stopped talking to each other. Now, one of them has initiated an interaction on his own will and I don't really know what to do about that. Any advice? Has anyone gone through something similar? Maybe I shouldn't think too much about it and just let things flow?
Thanks for reading, sorry for the wall of text…
I'm going to try and offer assistance but my situation is a little different. I'm a middle child with two sisters and due to our unique behaviours we are gradually drifting away from one another.
With my younger sister, even though we're both adults (she's in her early 20's) the older sibling role never really stops. You're always an older sibling to them. Unfortunately, despite both being adults, you usually have to take the initiative first.
Maybe instead of repairing that bond like you feel you're always having to just open the metaphorical door by letting him know you'd like to have him in your life again and to get in contact if he wants to. Then it's up to him to do so, but at least he knows the worst case scenario (e.g. you disowning him) isn't on the cards. And if you two do try that and you're too dissimilar now then at least you know that for certain and can at least be amicable. Maybe that bond will tighten when you're older.
I've found the above worked for me. Giving my little sister the option of reaching out meant that at least there was room for growth and I wasn't putting effort into a relationship she didn't want.
It sounds like from what you said that he may already want to make contact but due to possibly stubbornness or some other hesitation he's restricting it. He obviously cares otherwise he would've forgotten or dismissed your birthday, so that's a start.
Sorry I cannot help much but I hope this provided some insight. God speed, nona.
So you haven't tried talking to him about that yet, did I understand correctly? I consider talking to him but haven't decided how to approach it, that's just so… awkward. But I think I'll begin with mentioning this situation cautiously and say how I'd feel in his place, and then ask if he talked about it with her. I don't justify her behavior, but it's possible she thinks it's ok and never got feedback. I don't think my brother's wife is manipulative though but she's pretty hot-tempered and strict, anxious/controlling type, and also kind of judgemental and self-righteous. As far as I can tell, she's like that with everyone, including their daughter. But she's definitely not a bad person, I actually like her, except for this one thing. Surely I can't do much about it and won't interfere and act like a family counselor, but I hope they'll figure it out.
Ah damn, I see now that you probably won't go back here soon. Anyways, I wish good luck to you, too.>>310866>>310925>>310934
I mean, there could be such a possibility, and no details about the nature of complaints and lectures were given, so I guess it leaves a lot of room for imagination, but why are you so confident about this one option, not even considering anything else? I don't know about you, but I've met a decent amount of toxic
and straight-up abusive
women, some among my relatives, some among my ex-friends, and just in general. And men, too, of course. But the thing is, it's not that
big of a rarity when a woman is toxic
for no good reason. Tbh, it reminds me of some scrotes that would instantly bring up emotional abuse by women when hearing about a case of a husband/bf being physically abusive
to their partners. "This couldn't happen for no reason!! She must've driven him to that!"
I don't think he's perfect (or that he's perfect for her
, of course, that's impossible) and that she can't have anything to complain about, even if her annoyance might come from certain mismatch of their personalities and different approach to things. Sometimes she speaks about her annoyance with some of his quirks, absolutely harmless ones. And it's done not in a joking or kind way, as I said, it just sounds disrespectful. I'm sure you nonnas became an object of someone's complaints or criticism at least a few times in your life, for various reasons, petty or legit ones. Maybe someone got sick of one of your jokes or you kind of suck at planning or your personality is not as anal as someone else's. But I don't think you'd like being lectured like a five year old, especially in front of other people, or being talked to like you're dumb by your own partner. If my brother talked like that to his wife, I wouldn't think she could "deserve" it somehow, I'd be upset and concerned just the same. I get it that there can be certain misunderstanding, miscommunication, unmet needs/expectations and some passive aggressive crap as a result, maybe even feelings fading and so on, all this unfortunate but normal stuff. By the end of my last relationships I was annoyed with every little thing about my ex, and he wasn't a monster. I don't think it justifies such an attitude.
I've dealt with narcissists or people with similar tendencies before, including my sister. My brother is just not like that at all. They were growing up separately (even though spent some time together) and have different parents btw.
>>310976>the older sibling role never really stops
Yeah, I know this, and I don't mind being the "big sister", but I also don't want to be someone that coddles them. I have met some moids who refused to acknolewdge their wrongdoings and took for granted that I was going to forgive them without giving me an apology or trying to make up with me, and I don't want them turning into that. I wanted to show my brothers that their actions had consequences and that sometimes you fuck up and have to own it and apologize or at least humble yourself a little.>Sorry I cannot help much but I hope this provided some insight. God speed, nona.
No, your post helped, really, thank you so much for your words. I will try to do what you say and also start interacting with him more casually if the situation presents itself. He is very introverted and keeps to himself a lot, so I don't think we are gonna talk that much or be all buddy-buddy with each other, but I don't think it's going to be awkward to interact with him anymore.
Hope everything goes well with your sisters too, nona. Good luck.
Because I have been abused by a women. Stand up and lecture me all you want but I am that rare victim
who did suffer and as fucked up as it was she wasn’t as bad as any of the moids. A women being abusive
doesn’t come with the same risks and it’s far more common and often for a men to be abusive
. If you don’t want to believe accounts or statistics go ahead, but men as a social class have earned the treatment they get and the suspicious. If they held other men accountable and it wasn’t so common women might be willing to believe even. 1 in 6 men will rape you. That’s an actual study. I don’t play Russian roulette for fun, do you? The women might pinch, grab you, slap you, insult and scream. Abusive
men will they lost their temper they rape or kill you or beat you in the hospital. I’ve dealt with both, one is in a different playing field of risks. I’ve also dealt with my fair share of abusive
bitch babies who pretend their wife is the one crazy like he didn’t hit her in the face and leave her in the middle of the desert because she told him to stop for directions.
>>311041>is this normal
in our society, rape is normal, anon. I got sodomized and anally raped while blacked out by my ex and he filmed it, too. I once wept a fuckload about it and then carried on. If you want to process what happened to you, feel free to, but I personally don't think it's always necessary or worth it if you are overall fine.
I find it so interesting in our culture how we treat rape and molestation as this "rare" or "special" event when it's like, most women go through some sort of event that resembles that to varying degrees.
My advice of the day is not to respond to that nonnie
anymore. She sounds unhinged and isn't providing any meaningful advice to your situation aside from berating you on how you're wrong. As for your situation, maybe have a small one on one talk with your brother or possibly ask his wife to clarify what she's doing? What the purpose of her remarks are? It sounds almost like she could possibly have some contempt or disgust with him? Best of luck to you, nonnie
I mean, does she like to read? If she likes books, I don't see a problem with your gift. And even if she is not that much into reading, you can always say "hey, I got this recommended" or "people have been talking about this book and I thought you should check it out". Be casual.
You can always buy skincare products too? Scented candles, a good pack of tea or coffee beans? Cute stationery? A plushie? Idk what she is into but those are the gifts I usually choose for my femme friends.
Don't worry to much about it, friend.
tl;dr how can i make my supervisor's bad attitude either 1. go away or 2. bother me less
the long story:
I think he's hungover. he did dry jan and yesterday he went out. but ive been hungover on the job too and I found myself capable of not behaving like a huge twat.
to be fair to him i haven't been in top form this week, a few careless errors, but i don't know that my marginally sloppy work this week warrants this bitchy attitude?
example: he asks for a file even though he knows where to find it. Annoying, but whatever. Because i'm doing seven other things he asked me to do, I accidentally link him a different file in the same folder. What I (and probably most reasonable people) would do is go back in the folder, knowing the file I want is in there, and get it that way. No. he waits several minutes before demanding the correct link, like "ummm u sent the wrong file????" dude in the time it took you to text me that, you could have found it yourself if you had just, idk, clicked twice? maybe i'm being unreasonable but he's just being so snippy and difficult today, and I am struggling more than usual to not be snippy and difficult back.
Help I don't know how to act with people
AYRT. Ok, context matters. Now your initial post makes more sense.
I don't know, you can try my suggestions or do as the other anon said and try to look into what her favourite book genres are. But if you think those gifts don't suit her tastes or you already bought her the romance novel, then as I said, be casual about it. Don't make it weird. I think that if you overthink it too much, it will show.
If you have never shown any sign of attraction or romantic feeling towards her, she won't think anything about it.
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nonnies, I need help. How do you exist in a house with someone that sees your distance as an attack on him–and you basically have 0 other option but to deal with it because you don't have the money to move out?
I live with my family and one of them is…not good. When I was growing up I was fine with him, he is about a decade older, though over time a series of abusive blow-ups from him against my mom and sibling made me cold towards him. Yes, he has gotten violent before. And NO other than be quiet, I never egg him on but it's like he reads my silence as an attack on him.
I thought things were stabilizing after months of nothing, but yesterday he followed me as I was going to the living room he followed me and shouted, "WHAT'S WRONG???" I said "what? What's happening?" and then he said something about how I'm playing the victim.
Then, today I was just exhaustedly walking to the living room I heard a scream behind me "STOP ACTING LIKE THAT!" I turned in shock with my mom–he then launched, without any word from me, into a rant about how I'm playing the victim again and how I'm ignoring him. The strongest emotion I have being guilt that my mom has to go through this–she's had such a hard life.
Context: am speech disabled and adulthood has pretty much rotted away pretty much all my social skills, I no longer emote (I think it's been like a decade since I last laughed?), I'm exhausted all the time, and I've pretty much folded onto myself. I'm very quiet 24/7. I'm trying to slowly build myself back up, make some money online, etc, but I feel empty and I don't really know how to finesse anything.
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I originally wanted to post this in the Plush Love Thread. It was such a sweet thread, I wish it didn't get locked. Sorry in advance that this is really childish but please do not be harsh.
I had a shopping addiction to plushies, to duckies, little cows, penguins, etc. I felt like I was 'saving' them. Each plushie has their own name, backstory, and life in my home. In my heart, they are a part of my family and as stupid as it sounds, I don't want them to feel like I am abandoning them. Of course I know they don't 'feel anything', but my heart feels so heavy even thinking about it and I am getting a little teary eyed typing this out.
How would I even go about doing it? I feel so awful that our room is such a mess with them and get really nervous about my pets getting to them and destroying them. I have so many, our room is overflowing, but feel so sad about getting rid of them! My boyfriend is really understanding and tells me that it's okay to keep them since it distresses me so much to think about getting rid of them, and even tells me his goal is to make enough money so I can have an extra room for them, but that is making me feel more guilty. I want to give them out, but I must know that they are going to a loving home and will be taken care of. I have already stopped buying and have not bought a new plushie in months, but I'm still so overwhelmed.
I would love to sell them or give them away, it's just thinking about them potentially going to a child that also has too many toys and not care for them/get them dirty makes me sad. Not to be a downer or come off as anti-children because I love kids, but a lot of parents I know these days sadly do not teach their kids about caring for the things you own. I might make a post in a local plushie group to see if any collector will take them.
The plushie pictured is the same my boyfriend gave me too! it's one of my favorites and one of the few I will never part with. He's so cute! Thank you for your advice.>>311526
I agree it will give peace of mind. I actually thought of taking them to a children's hospital since they are honestly close to new quality and it would be so sweet if they were to help brighten young sick childs days but unfortunately everywhere I looked specifically does not take plush toys due to them being technically 'used' and risk for carrying infection. I'll keep looking. Thank you for your advice as well.
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nonnies, tips for helping energy levels–especially when you pretty much crash and feel like hell within minutes of being out? I feel like my energy levels are about 5/10 if I just sit around all day (even if I do work on my computer all day long I at least feel physically much better), but it's like I feel absolutely horrible when I go out and come home even if it's just a short outing.
horrific eye pain + eyelid twitching and very sunken dark circles, a heaviness all over. it's a very wired, heavy feeling where I have trouble standing and feel very out of it. I've had maybe a few days in my life where I felt great and refreshed and for some reason being outside didn't hurt…in fact walking under the sun felt like pure ecstasy in comparison, I felt so alive, I could actually think and talk to people for once.
and yeah I've been like this for a very long time now even as a kid. just couldn't bring myself to play or really do much of anything ever. I was very fat growing up, but after working out more + losing weight I have seen 0 improvements of my energy levels. I've found nothing besides recurring nutrient deficiencies I supplement for at the doctor, so I assume my body is just dumb and there's nothing really wrong with it. I hope someone who's been through similar can chime in. like, maybe I have an obscure bad habit that has destroyed my body's endurance, idk.
I run them in the dryer for a much longer than probably necessary amount of time. Trying my best to avoid mold. I switched from dryer sheets to wool balls recently, heard that the sheets can leave an odd filmy feeling on clothes.>>311845
I'll try that, I don't think bleach is working. Thank you.
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My friend was very recently hospitalized and released after a psychotic breakdown from her unmedicated bipolar 2 disorder. She was with family after her release, but drove off somewhere this Sunday. I'm currently one of the only few friends that she is talking to, as she has blocked her family and many friends who were trying to help her, due to her convoluted reasons and delusions. Frankly, I'm scared as shit for her because she refuses to get medicated for it but also I have no idea what I can do without disrupting her trust. She tells me things that are currently true in her perception and I just go along with it because at least this is a source of information that only a few people are receiving. On the other hand, it fucking kills me to play along because I feel like I'm fuelling her delusions instead of helping her out. Has anyone been in similar situations before? I know that people have to want to get help themselves to get better, but in the meantime, is there anything I can do to soften the crash of her episodes? Any stories or advice would be helpful. Thank you.
sorry, deleted and reposted because I didn't mean to sage.
Yes, anti-softener gang here. >>311856
I'm assuming you live in a climate/situation where you can't efficiently line dry? Your dryer or washing machine might need a clean with vinegar and an airing out. Fabric softener use and using too much detergent can clog up your machine, impairing drainage.
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You should speak to him straight away as since he's autistic, he'll believe what other people will say about him and eventually try to change himself to fit in better. You should tell him that he is fine the way he is as he's doing the minimum that most boys don't do which is exercise, basic grooming and not teasing/bullying other people. You could try to find some nice pictures of someone that looks like him and tell him that he isn't different from other men and shouldn't listen to "femboys" that only cares about looks and not personality. The voice I dunno tell him that you like that he sounds like himself and not some machmacho man.
My youngest brother at age 12 basically grew overnight, got taller, grew facial hair and got acne. he's 14ish now and is nearly 180 cm and often mistaken for someone older but since he still has acne people often take a second trying to find out how old his.
no. i am older than you non but you are honestly better off finding a relationship off facebook or discuck or meetup.com than you are an app. online is vast majority used for ego boost or easy sex.
i joined one once a few years ago just out of curiosity, i don't remember the name but it showed you who passed by you/who you passed by and you make if you're interested in their profile or not. i am above average in appearance and also khv. the only interest i received was a. when i spoofed my location to other cities and countries because i got zero matches in my big city, and b. were males that clearly only wanted sex, never read my profile. it is a joke. you can join them to look around if you want but don't put any stock in it. these things are designed to put the worst people together, or turn people into the worst people. the odds of someone being compatible enough with you and not being promiscuous and/or manipulative is not in your favor. i am sure there are people out there who had success, i don't believe it is common though.
if you ever want to vent or talk about this with someone else that was in your exact same position until a year ago, i am more than willing to be those ears anon. i got really lucky, and found someone who isn't pressuring me into having sex (i am not ready for it, dunno if i ever will) after believing most of my life I would never be in a relationship. take care anon don't end it just yet.
You should give it a shot. I’ve been with my bf 5 years now that I met on tinder and he’s only had sex with 2-3(I can’t remember I was drunk when I asked) women besides me and he wanted like love fr. We’re gonna break up tbh lol sorry, it’s me but also him, but you might find the right someone. You have the choice to not be with anyone that doesn’t meet your standards and any app makes it somewhat helpful to weed that out. >>312433
is basically telling you yea go for it but no don’t use an app which is bullshit it’s the same things. Use Facebook or meeetup but not bumble or tinder? Makes no sense. You could also find things to do in your area you’re interested in and meet people there. Even if you have strike up a convo. Don’t get carried away swiping because there will be people that it’s just it worth is especially if you’re a virgin.
dating app = sex fiends
not dating app = not automatically sex fiends
if you don't realize there is a stark difference in meeting people on a hookup app (which is all apps) versus meeting people at an interest group meetup, i don't know what to tell you.
nona if its any help, i'm in the exact same position as you. (also a virgin) i've felt extremely isolated, especially since starting AN recovery but at the same time i've been wanting to pursue a relationship now that im not so hyperfixated on food lol.
from what i've gathered, hinge seems to have the most sane people out of most apps, but I wouldn't put such high expectations/emphasis for dating apps anyways. there will be plenty of scrotes looking to take advantage of you. if they even mention anything sexual in the first message to you or have some kind of sexual innuendo in their bio, take the hint and run. wishing you the best of luck nona
Dating apps by design show you who they think you should see, so if you're attractive and getting a lot of views, you're more likely to see others that get the amount of views, more interactions the same.
If you use a dating app long enough, if you're attractive you'll start seeing what the app categorizes as more attractive people (popular), if you're average you'll largely only start seeing the same (average in popularity). https://de.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/fdjqub/i_cant_prove_it_but_i_think_dating_apps_group/
How do I recover from childhood trauma? My whole life my mom was mean to me but when i turned 13, she bacame abusive to me and air our dirty laundry while doing so, and people would constantly tell me I was just being dramatic. I was considered a bad kid and I got bullied around this Era, I think about how I came so close to killing myself. I tried running away twice, one time with a boy and yes its so dumb I was 15 but I made things so much worse for myself, my self esteem was in the dumps already enough without my own step-dad calling me a slut and saying I was just like my biological dad who sexually abused my sister. My step-dad strangled me in front of her. One time as a punishment she made me wear a trash bag, I had no room to breathe because she was so needlessly strict with me and mean to me and didn't let me wear makeup or "nice clothes" and cut my hair super short and made me go to school in tan clothes. I wasn't allowed to wear black or grey just bright colors and tan pants. And i was teased at school and called "ugly" or "trans" (wtf) But my sister got normal treatment. I found out my mom stole my identity literally used my social security number to get government money. When I started to look normal at around 17 my creepy uncle hit on me and then she messaged him from a number pretending to be me, asking him for money, and when I was mad at her about it. She said she'd get me a xbox with it. So much shit to unpack with my mom, my sisters 'hate' her too but they still act friendly with her. I just hate how much damage was done to my self esteem and how after all of it, I think im bad and less deserving and scared of people who will make fun of me to my face, I'm scared to go in public because I was teased for my appearance. Im soft spoken and avoidant and I have no friends and I'm in therapy but I feel so hurt that I don't think I'll ever get over all of it.
I don't wanna sound like a pickme but I'm really scared of other women and in the past I've been desperate with scrotes, embarrassing. The only people I've really socialized with as a teenager/young adult were boyfriends, which I used to change Ike underwear.
I would also like to know why, why me? Do I just look like my dad too much? Is it because I really bothered her that much? I just want to know what made her want to hurt me so much and I want her to try and reach out to me while I am not speaking with her but she hasn't, only to ask for my information.
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How can I be more playful? Even if it's just in my own mind or lone pursuits.
It's like there's a demon in my head that just puts up one of those goddamned HD close up mirrors up to whatever hint of genuine desire to try something new I have. I feel more comfortable consume and enjoy questionable things, but creating? Nope, it's like things suddenly become too real and heartbreaking.
I know that I'm unfulfilled and I could be happier overall if I found something that made me feel full of ideas and life. Oh. Also - maybe it's because I grew up never playing or trying anything new - I'm not at all creative and have trouble thinking so it really hurts to be reminded of it so sometimes I go, "why even try? I'll always be like a boring smooth rock. And that hurts a bit more than the idea that I could never be good at something. I mean, I could have sucked but I admire impassioned imperfection and it seems like there's just something missing inside me in comparison. Just being better company to myself would be a win even if I never do anything. Also, I haven't laughed in over a decade now so yeah I don't have a sense of humor, I'm just stressed all the time. Therapy (provided by my old school) didn't help at all.
Nonna, nobody is born uncreative, litteraly every kid is just bursting with imagination. However I highly believe that some people never really find the medium that they will truly love expressing themself with.
Blogpost but I know that for me it hapened as an accident, I was forced to do a video edit for school, and I had a lot of fun doing it. I had to show it to the class and I was shoked to see people's reaction to it. For the first time in my life, I made my whole classroom erupt in laughter. I too am a "boring smooth rock", I would haver been able to achieve this through talking or writting but for some reason video making works for me. It just feels right.
Instead of thinking that there is something wrong with you ( there is not ! ), I think that the problem is more that you are used to not trying new things like you said and you just haven't found what you truly like yet.
What type of medium have you not tried yet ? It could be anything, from making music making, sewing, making bouquet composition, to pottery, to watercolor, anything !
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Recently reconnected and hung out with some friends from highschool after about 5 years of no-contact at all, I was pretty nervous but it was really nice and I had a lot of fun talking to them again.
One of the girls was a very, very close friend during hs, and we fell off after some bad miscommunication and subsequent ghosting, which I regret, and while we talked normally in the group, I really want to rekindle our friendship. She seemed fine and didn't say anything about our falling off, we joked around, and talking with her, I realize I want to be her friend again, I still love her a lot. But I don't know how to go about it, it feels so daunting and I don't know if she even wants to talk again? What do I do? What if she hates me and is just being polite? We stopped talking to each other after I didn't come to her little brother's birthday last minute, she was upset about it so I went to her's with some cake later in the week, she didn't open the door because she was asleep so I went home with the cake kek, and it just snowballed into us not talking, it's super retarded I know but we were retarded teens, you know how it is. Anyways, what do I do?
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>male best friend very excited about being in an online e-relationship
>expecting me to take it seriously
>even wants me to 'meet her' on skype
>now has to run all our plans by her despite that this isnt a real relationship
i can't entertain this delusion. how can i kindly let him know that this isnt a real relationship?
his previous ex was a very nice, stunning 9/10 with a good career who he foolishly lost by gambling and bringing back strange women to the house.
i feel like this is a cope for the loss of a good woman and hes latching to it because he wont have actual responsibilities
You're both adults and you've been friends with him longer than she's been around. If he wants to value her more than you by making her the arbiter of your plans… I'd say let him. Acting supportive could even make him less interested in pursuing her, because not fighting will make you seem cooler by comparison (since she apparently wants to vet his plans with other women). Once he realizes that the "Oh, I don't think we can hang out today, didn't E-Girlfriend have plans with you?" is keeping him away from his best friend, he might have different thoughts about the whole relationship.
But trying to convince him that the relationship isn't "real" is only going to make him want to defend it against you. And then he gets the ego boost of having two women fight over him. Going along with him removes that ego trip and puts you both on the same team.
Unless there is some info you’re not aware of, I feel like B should just get over it at this point. Staying upset for 5 whole years at someone for asking out your ex (when you already have someone new) is really dragging it imo, especially if you guys were all around early 20s at the time. Sis needs to move on. The only way I can see her being rightfully salty is if she confided in this friend that he was abusive
/cheating/shitty and the friend jumped on him anyway. I’d tell A that B is still upset by it, get A to apologize and admit what she did was most uncool, she understands now that it was uncool, and she won’t do it again. If B still does not accept the apology, I wouldn’t force it any more than that.
That was my initial instinct as well, thinking back over what was said when we last hang out, I think B is just the type that values her male relationships a lot more, she seemed not over the ex and there was some other stuff that came up where she was defending male friends scrotey behaviour (like posting t*te).
I still want to consider her feelings bc i think it’s valid
for her to be hurt over the betrayal. However, A actually apologised at the time and with everything going on in her life I don’t want to make her grovel over some nonsense that happened when she was a teenager. I think I’ll give B a heads up and see what happens but regardless of the outcome i’ll still invite A out
Thanks for your reply, it was incredibly reassuring :)(:))
You are….not wrong in your reading of B tbh.
I think the defending t*te thing was the confirmation of a suspicion i’d been having for a while but i was just really eager to keep the peace and to hold on to all of my female stem friends (that female socialisation).
she was always a bit boy crazy and did “edgelord” type stuff to be one of the boys. E.g she was the only girl to join the scrote gc after they got kicked out of our regular stem gc bc of the uncomfortably sexist/perverted discussion (the t*te defenders were all from that scrote gc and i’ve had a lot of them blocked for years)
I think looking at this objectively we may not have as many values in common as I thought which sucks :/ we’re not like super close so it’s not a massive loss but this is a relationship i’ll have to rethink. She may just be a bit too male identified to keep as a friend tbh
I know jealousy is possible, but that nonny
implied he cheated(?) on his hot, caring partner then branched over to some rando that now has to police their friendship over the internet.
If anything I think she cares too much about him - he sounds nasty. Yes >>313421
you aren't gonna convince him otherwise and I don't know why you think you can change his mind, kek.
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It kinda depends on what species they are for the level of concern. I live in the US south and get the large American ones in the house frequently in the summer even when the house is clean, especially after it rains. Sometimes the nymphs will appear in the shower drain, I just have to keep a cover on it. If they are the tiny german ones though that could be a major issue with infestation, esp if finding a lot of baby ones. Those will hang out and kitchens and infest food. For the time being I would say to cover her garage disposal when she isn't using it.
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hi nonnies…ill cross post this in the job/career thread because i don't know which is best to post in…my apologies…but i'm currently working part time in a terrible and widely known coffee shop chain and i go back to school in the summer online for my bachelors. i keep trying to stick this job out, but its terrible even for a part-time job and everyone is quitting, not that it matters for me personally. i definitely wont be staying for the remainder of my bachelors degree and the freelancing stuff im going to start up is going to take time, so i need a new consistent income part-time.
every place i search to find work, the pay is extremely low or its for some other big corporation/chain, or its fulltime. is there somewhere else i should look such as facebook for hidden jobs? are there jobs i can do that i don't know of without a degree? ideally id get a job with decent pay and little social interaction, im okay with fast paced but not the rate paired with the understaffing at my current job. however, i know i can't be picky so i am okay with settling on something that is at least better than here. im sorry, i just dont know what to do and i refuse to believe there is nothing else for me while i finish college.
, please look at yourself. You're ranting about him when you should be blocking him. He drilled his way into your head and you've gotten used to his hypocrisy and narcissistic devaluation of every woman he gets with.
Unless you're using him like a lolcow - different strokes/scrotes, different folks I guess - he just seems annoying as fuck to be around. Do you not have other friends?
I supposed that's true. There used to be something I was relatively good at, got a lot of praise from all kinds of people, even won an award or two, etc. But it made me feel incredibly insecure after a while because it was the ONLY thing my mom had ever praised me over. I used to adore it, but the pressure suffocated me as well as how the times where people praised me were the only times I felt ok…like how I felt when I was just doing that hobby for the joy and fun of it.
I quit. I now suck at it and am still terrified of pressure for some damned reason. Not too long ago my mom mentioned it wondering what happened and, god, I felt like my soul died! I felt so guilty!
Anyway, yeah, maybe I'll have to try different things. Your story resonates with me. I'll check out stuff like music and maybe clay modeling or something.
Honestly, I'm just afraid of doing things I see as having a high skill ceiling and really all I want is to forget myself? Lose myself in something? Yeah.
If you haven't sent any messages in the past few months then they probably think you just got busy. I would definitely delete any messages that could trace back to you before you leave the server just to be safe (like getting outed as a terf
in the future especially since these troons have a mutual friend with you). There's a program that you can use to delete all messages at once in a discord server, forgot what it was called though.
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My best friend is a narcissist. Hanging out with her one on one is fine, but in a group of friends, I always feel like the scapegoat/left out because she is ~total besties~ with strangers and treats her long time friends like garbage! Sometimes I feel like im going crazy when I feel left out, because it's nobody else's fault; she is the ~life of the party!~ how do I distance myself from her when i have a really hard time cutting people out of my life? I have abandonment issues!
Why would you want to force yourself to do things you don't actually feel like? Just because other people your age are into clubbing and travelling doesn't mean that you should too or else you're missing out or not living life to the fullest or anything. It sounds like you just naturally gravitate more towards quiet pastimes and a stable life. There's nothing wrong with enjoying that. I used to be similar to you and had this huge fomo where I was afraid I was wasting my college years by not doing outgoing stuff all the time and mostly chilling alone or with a few good friends. Eventually I figured that if I don't really feel the urge to go clubbing and do crazy shit and would rather enjoy an evening by myself, then why should I try and do the opposite?
That's not to say I never go to events or anything, I still do outgoing stuff, just not very frequently and only when I actually feel like it. Why try to make yourself into a different person if you enjoy your current lifestyle and seemingly dislike the other one?
thanks for the advice anon. you're right, i don't feel like i'm missing out on going to bars etc because i know from experience that i hate them. the reason i'm asking is because i'm studying abroad at the moment and i want to make the most of it, but i don't really have the "travel bug". i don't wanna just sit at home when i could be experiencing some really great things.>>314010
that's a great point anon, thank you!
What does it mean when a Japanese guy who barely knows English has been passively, super politely flirtatious, and says "you seem well-bred by your parents"? It sounds kind of strange and funny, and in my culture might only be said as a joke about a rich person (which I am far from). Is it about getting your looks, or maybe they just have a bigger emphasis on family influence there so even without knowing them they would give a compliment? Because he already complimented my personality right beforehand, lol.
I'm autistic and I can't tell if it's an invitation to talk about my family a bit since we are just getting to know each other. I also have almost no relationship with them (addicts), so it's difficult to mention without "getting into it". I've been learning to not correct people because most don't want to "get into it" and don't really care about whether or not they have all the facts straight.
Like, he also said I seem well-educated…but I'm a college dropout. I'm wondering if he will view me unfavorably, but he is also working class. If he does then fuck him, but I'm curious without wanting to be vulnerable with someone I don't know well (mistakes of the past).
Not sure who/where else to try to ask about socializing, especially with a foreigner. I have no close friends lol.
i needed someone to tell me that.
it kinda seems like they’ve done relationship rps while we’ve been together, kinda like different storylines or something…. looks like he only recently told her he’s “not comfortable” with the direction their RP has been going with the characters and that they don’t need romantic stuff for the RP to be fun and she argued they’ve been going this direction “for years” with the characters. it doesn’t seem like he told her he’s married either. this kinda sucks. i don’t know what to do. i just fucking married this asshole
thanks anon, it kind of feels good in a fucked to way to feel justified.
i’m gonna sit on it for a bit and talk to a friend this week. after searching for more specific keywords since their chat goes back years, it seems like he has mentioned me (“my gf”) a couple of times over the years. not sure if i’m all that happy he did tell her he was at least taken. hur dur, i’m in a serious relationship let’s flirt via WoW RP so it’s ok
i even asked him to not do anything sexual or relationship-y when RPing.
im not good at hiding my emotions with this guy so it’s gonna come out eventually either way haha i’m so disappointed
I had an ex who played an online game with people, mainly his brother and then a woman he'd known longer than me. I didn't think much of it. Assumed they were talking about the game and not much else. A few years into living together there was a moment where he was flustered about closing his laptop when I walked in. I'd never been one to be nosy about his browsing and he'd never acted like that. My stomach sank in that moment and.. I did nothing. Soon after he starts bringing up this woman randomly while we're out doing stuff together. More and more. He'd rarely mention her before. He talks about details of her life. Her going through a breakup and him feeling bad for her because she has 'x issue' and its going to be so hard on her adjusting. I don't know her so I just listen like ok?.. we're on a date night. One day I'm sitting next to him while he's on his laptop and he starts acting agitated saying "nonnie
why are you sitting there, you usually sit on the chair on the other side of the room" The issue was that I was in view of his laptop but he wouldn't say it. She lived 3 hours away but soon afterwards I found out he'd gone irl with her during a 'work trip' that was a cover story. I kicked myself for not confronting him sooner. I already had a feeling but now he'd put my sexual health at risk by taking it to real life. I was angry at myself, felt like a fool for it ever getting to that point. I wasn't being paranoid (I've no track record of being like that) I was ignoring very telltale signs for months. Not saying it'll escalate that much in your case but I wouldn't sit on it for too long. Affairs only thrive when a partner is too afraid or too self doubtful to confront obvious changes in behaviour.
anon i’m so sorry that happened to you. i can’t fucking stand men. i hope you left him and are living your best life right now.
i’m going to confront him today. as much as i feel like it doesn’t seem as bad as i thought it was after going through their chat history, some things i read in their RPs were concerning and upsetting.
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I never really had an interest in alcohol, but ever since my sister turned the legal age at the end of 2022 I started drinking with her occasionally. By the start of January, drinking was part of my routine - just one drink a couple nights a week, usually with my sister or other people. But by the end of the month it devolved into being alone in my room drinking every night and occasionally smoking weed.
February has been awful. I’ve been crossfading almost every night. It feels so great in the moment, but the minute I wake up I spend the whole day feeling miserable. I try to use weekends to “recharge” and “sober up” but I usually end up confined in my room, blackout wasted. At one point I overdid it so badly I think I was on the verge of a mental break.
I spent yesterday lying in bed just thinking about how this addiction escalated so quickly. It’s ruining my life and I need to stop doing this before it gets even worse. I want to spend March getting better but I don’t really know how. Nobody in my life knows that I’m doing this and I’m reluctant to get help… which I guess that’s why I’m posting on here kek. Anywho. Any advice is appreciated.
did you go through anything difficult emotionally lately like major stressors or changes? just wondering if the isolation and drinking is the whole problem or maybe a symptom of some larger problem as is often the case… you could simply be an alcoholic who needs to quit it, I guess, but it sounds awfully sudden the way you describe it.
sorry you're spiralling like this.
I don't know what happened but I'm sorry.
Even though you connected the dots now you kinda still have to stop drinking yourself into oblivion (for a lot of reasons). It's not a good escape.
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Anons, should I cut ties with my mother (again)?
I wrote this post >>>/ot/1504779
not that long ago. There are times when she's sweet and we get along and she calls me 3-4 times a day then whenever she finds something I said or did that she disapproves of, she doesn't talk to me for weeks.
I honestly find her really stressful to be around because you never know what mood she will be in, and when she is in a bad mood, she has an unmatched ability to make you feel horrible about yourself. Whenever she calls I feel like being punched in the stomach because I don't know what to expect and I know that if she drops by and she's in a mood, she will make a thousand tiny disapproving remarks about how the stove is dirty and scratched, there is hair on the floor even if the flat looks immaculate and she also makes condescending remarks about how 'she bets I forgot to take down the trash/pay the bills/etc' and I have to tell her every time that actually, no, I didn't forget to do these. When she's in a bad mood, she assumes the worst of me and makes me feel like I have to prove myself.
She is generally very bossy and has very specific ideas of what I should say, do, dress like, etc and gets upset if I do anything differently. She likes comparing me to family members/friends all the time and point it out that they earn more money/have more degrees/speak more languages than me and imply that I'm worth less than them.
My boyfriend thinks that the apartment situation (her owning it and coming up whenever she likes and telling me to send away my guests whenever she wants to drop by) is just another way to manipulate me and noted that he thinks my mom has some sort of mental disorder.
On the other hand, she is my mother after all, she raised me, fed me, she did a lot of things for me. I cut ties with her before and felt really ashamed of it. I honestly don't think she's manipulative on purpose, she just had no emotional intelligence and a similar amount of empathy. I just feel like ever since I've grown up we don't get along and we can only discuss emotionally empty topics like politics, the weather and cooking because with anything else I would just give her ammunition
Some things to consider doing or not doing in no particular order:
1.) Move out of that apartment. You can't talk about cutting off a parent that is literally housing you. (DON'T move into a man's apartment, get your own apartment.)
2.) Have a big fight with her and lay out some of the shit that's bothering you. Have you ever done that? It's great, it can solve a lot of problems. You can both yell and scream and hash it out; it sounds like she deserves to be yelled at a little and it sounds like you're immune to it at this point so you'll probably get a lot out of it.
3.) Don't let your boyfriend talk shit about your mom. Red flag for him. I don't care if he's right, you can't allow that dynamic to start. Unless he's a psychiatrist he shouldn't be diagnosing her.
You only made two posts so I can't really say whether you should actually cut her off. She sounds volatile and bitchy but not exactly evil. I really think you should have a huge fight with her if you've never tried that, don't stop until you're slapping eachother I'm serious. I know that's weird advice but it's the only thing I've seen work.
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I'm socially inept so I need advice because now I'm worried.
I have a friend group that I made last fall and one of my new friends has a friend who worked with my ex. I dated my ex for 3 months and we didn't have sex (I never even visited his house) because I'm actually not interested in men sexually. That's another issue entirely, although a slight concern because I obviously didn't tell this man that I was breaking up with him to date women. Anyway, I'm sure he vented to his coworkers and likely this friend 's friend after I broke up with him and he probably said terrible things about me. I treated him the best I could given my limitations, like a close friend I suppose. Every exchange was equal so I didn't use him for anything.
In short, I kept this information from my friends because I didn't want to ruin things. Today however I was stupid and decided to be vulnerable and bring up the connection. Now I'm terrified she'll ask her friend about myself and this man and everyone will hate me.
What can I do to fix this? Is it too late? The most salacious things I shared with him were about my porn addiction as a teen and how I was a complete simp for a friend before him. But he may have lied about me, too.
Or is this unlikely since everyone is more concerned about their own lives?
Nothing to worry about. You’re not a criminal for breaking up with him. What are you guilty about?
I think you’re right about it being uninteresting information to people.
Jordan Peterson is one of those people I tried really hard not to learn anything about because it seemed really stupid. I saw some videos of him crying (like absolutely sobbing and looking crazy) and it made me feel bad for him. Apparently he was having major problems with a benzo addiction. His daughter took him to Serbia (??? he’s canadian so this was a long way from home) for some kind of intensive treatment possibly involving putting him in a medically induced coma and he basically disappeared off the face of the earth for a while. Now he’s back and doing speaking events again but all I think about every time so see him is his violently weeping face talking about Disney princesses or whatever crazy shit he was on about. I have since watched a couple videos and he seems kinda like a dumb person who learned how to sound smart. I think early in his career he wasn’t so crazy and made some good points about something to do with Canadian that got him cancelled and made him a fan base.
Not a Peterson farmer though so idk I could be misrepresenting a lot
I feel you nonna, have you tried posting in the career thread in ot? You would probably get more/better answers. It's impossible to make the decision for you because we don't know if you are evaluating yourself fairly and what your preferences/specifics are. I feel like I would choose the safer option, especially if my goal is to be hired and I feel like I'm not as well suited for the workshop thing and might even be rejected. I suppose it's also possible to move to a company that better suits your interests after you've had a first experience, but it depends on the industry. On the other hand, I'm sure other anons would tell you not to underestimate yourself and do what you love the most or you might regret it. Can you only apply to one internship? Do you know how common it is for students to be hired by your university's partners?
As for competition after graduation - after the internship, you will have more experience. And that's not the only thing that matters, companies are also looking for people who are a good fit personality-wise, you never know what might make them choose you. You will also be able to network during your internship. I know this is much easier said than done, but you should focus on yourself and try not to compare yourself too much to others.
while i'm glad you aren't physically hurt, emotional and mental pains aren't ones to leave unacknowledged, least of all with the people you're closest with. i think ripping off the band-aid, and putting it out there that this is something you're dealing with right now, is a course of action you may want to consider seriously.
laying it out plainly will relieve some of the pressure you feel from keeping it bottled up where other people can't see it, and putting it into words that you and they can hear, while difficult, could help you contextualize these difficult feelings under a gentler light.
right now, the hurt is still fresh, and i understand that you would rather bury it and wait for time to do the thing it always does, but sitting on it, especially when you anticipate being asked about it in the near future anyway, is only going to set you up for more difficulties down the road.
regardless of what you choose to do, i hope you feel better soon, anon. hugs
Honestly, nonnies, how do you hold on and persist even when you have nothing, not even any sort of soul nor heart and you unsettle people just being around?
I look like shit. I'm deformed, have dozens of cysts on my face (I went to a derm and spent endless hours researching skincare), and am very haggard. The only interaction with a guy I ever had was one screaming how ugly I was too. Even at my best people went on about how creepy, old, and demonic I look. I thought I could get over this, but after seeing how other women on here talk about looks I realize that I can't. People really do care…even the ones that should know better and know how insane society is about looks.
And on top of that I have shut down completely. When I was obese growing up I had some sort of life and confidence, but now? I'm fit, am exhausted 24/7, can't look people in the eye, it's been a long time since I've had a spoken conversation with someone and many years since I last laughed. My main goal is to make money freelancing and to not show any emotion nor ever speak aloud because I don't want to freak anyone out. People have told me how scary I look when I smile, so it's for the best.
My old childhood friend accepted me and never spoke a bad word about me. We had so much fun and went on so many adventures and a few months ago I just…stopped talking to her. She's reached out and like an asshole I kind of shrugged her off. Not too long ago I even ran into her at the store. I was wearing a mask and hat and yet I still couldn't look her in the eye. I didn't want her to look at me. She was telling me that she missed me so much and really wanted to reconnect and I felt like crying and like a piece of my soul was dying because I couldn't reciprocate it.
I miss it when I was ignorant and didn't understand how hideous I am because it's like there's really just nothing left to do but to drop off of society entirely.
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What would you say my eye shape and eye color is?
if you eat sugar and dairy, drop them immediately. drink only water and water dominant beverages; tea, coffee, etc. start taking a vitamin c supplement, if you aren't already. eat more vitamin c rich foods, too. do your best to get 6-8 hours of sleep a night. these aren't absolute fixes, but they helped me immensely with my own cystic acne when i had to leave my antibiotics behind–which you may want to look into for this issue as well. or maybe birth control, if that's something you're willing to try, as it could be an issue with your hormones. consult your doc. seriously.
i don't have much in the way of fashion or hair advice because i stopped giving a shit about that crap years ago, but there are threads here in /g/ with helpful advice on styling yourself, if you're seriously looking for solutions.
anyway, you're suffering some sort of crisis in confidence, and to be frank with you, you sound like you're in/just got out of high school. or you're just starting college. or maybe you're just emotionally and mentally stunted, i have no clue. how you've described your experiences, though, sounds like your typical teenagers/young adults being shitheads to the odd one out. i could be wrong, and that's fine, but well adjusted adults don't just come out of the gate swinging for a young woman's looks unless they themselves are young (and cruel and stupid) or incredibly mentally ill–which you seem to be btw. i mean what you said here, for instance:>…have nothing, not even any sort of soul nor heart
talk about hyperbole! you're so unhappy, you're sitting here lying to yourself. you don't have "nothing". in fact, here, i'll make a short list for you:
1. you have an internet connection, a privilege not everyone is fortunate enough to have. silly to mention, yes, but internet access provides a lot of opportunities and useful things to a lot a people all over. not nothing.
2. presumably you have a roof over your head, as well as access to decently healthy food, since you claim to be taking care of yourself–not a small feat either, by the way. staying fit takes discipline and perseverance. still not nothing.
3. you also have aspirations, intending to make a living doing freelance, and while the justification for this goal is less than great, that kind of career path is hardly easy and takes guts to pursue. again, not nothing.
4. you have a former friend that, although you've purposefully cut her off, still wants to reconnect and be friends with you, who cares about your wellbeing. who told you herself that she misses you.
despite your appearance! despite how off putting you find yourself! THAT ISN'T NOTHING! do you know how fortunate you are to know someone like this? and to have her so willing to be in your life despite your obvious drifting apart? jesus fucking christ!>I felt like crying and like a piece of my soul was dying because I couldn't reciprocate it
and this! there's can't
and then there's won't
, nonna. you're so miserable with yourself and so afraid of being seen and known, that it's killing your willingness to be acknowledged as anything but the perfectly flawed human being that you are! with your own hands you are suffocating your desire for human connection! you've taken to heart the terrible things a bunch of nobodies have said about you, let their caustic bullshit pick at you and gunk up your works, and now you're falling apart because of it.
when do you finally put your foot down to all these voices that don't belong to you? when does this needless self-flagellating finally come to an end?
would you treat another person the way you're treating yourself right now? would you talk about your friend
the way you talk about yourself? i bet you wouldn't.
being weird isn't a crime. having flaws isn't a crime. struggling isn't a crime.
everyone deserves a little grace, nonna, and that includes you.
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Is gray hazel a thing? Sorry, this is with flash instead of the sun
Yeah it’s a thing.
They could probably pass for green in certain light like most hazel eyes but those seem like gray hazel to me. Or just call them hazel.
>>314840>Move out of that apartment
Yes, we're planning on moving in together once his lease expires.>Have a big fight with her and lay out some of the shit that's bothering you
Yeah, we've never done this and I was not sure if we should. I'm not very assertive and still rarely voice my opinions even if her behavior bothers me because my brain still goes 'my mother is angry = I did something wrong' and the shame kicks in. And it's just difficult to stick up to yourself when the narrative has always been 'you're wrong and mother is always right'. But will try this, thank you>Don't let your boyfriend talk shit about your mom
He didn't though? He came up with a theory based on the observation that her mood changes rapidly and she is generally aggressive. Other people have also made the same observation before. My mother did shittalk him though. She went through his stuff when we were not home, found his sleeping pills - he has insomnia - and started calling him a junkie behind him back. She also called him an alcoholic because he has a beer sometimes. That qualifies more as shittalking, I think
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How can I overcome my natural inclination toward passivity?
I always make plans/daydream about certain things that I would like to do but never do them. I recently found my journal from a year ago and my plans stayed the exact same because I haven't done any of them. I seem to get stuck in the realm of thinking/planning. I tried using to do lists and calendsas and productivity apps but after a short while I just stop using them, cannot make using them into a habit. Has anyone with a similar problem overcame this? How?
I can get stuck in planning in a way that really freezes me up. The only solution is to do one of the things on your list. If that means you have to break something down into smaller steps that’s fine.
For instance, nonny
wants to travel to [destination] for vacation or the weekend or whatever. That can sit on a list as a daydream for years. If you find yourself just thinking about it and not doing it, try breaking it down into bite size pieces. (Things like picking the date of travel, setting aside funds if it’s expensive, request time off work, book flight / rent car or get your own car travel ready, book lodging or research campsites blah blah blah whatever kind of trip it is). Once you do one thing you have to do the other things and it starts to flow, next thing you know you did the whole thing!
I think you're getting bogged down in the tools of productivity rather than the spirit of it. It doesn't matter what notebook or app you use as long as it works for you.
The important part of breaking your goals down into small, manageable steps (as >>315204
said) and then making time for executing those steps. You have to say "i am going to complete x, at y time, in place z".
I'm reading a book called Atomic Habits which explains all this very clearly, it might help you.
I use a loose piece of paper and set it on a clipboard next to my keyboard or somewhere very visible. when I worked in an office I liked sticky notes and white boards but I'm not gonna buy myself those things for my house.
apps and most notebooks don't work for me because once I close them I forget about them lol. a spiral notebook or cheap legal pad that flips open and stays open is kinda nice though.
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Hey nonnies. I need friendship advice. A friend I haven't talked to in years has messaged me today. We stopped talking after some fights in our earlier years of university. I'm not angry about what she did to me anymore, and from her contacting me after so long and from her tone I'm guessing she also is not holding grudges. She says she wants to talk to me again (in my language it sounds like she wants to have casual conversations in the future rather than talking once to settle something). I would like to listen to her if she has something to say about our past, and to let her know I'm not angry or anything. However I don't want to be her friend anymore. I changed a lot and I'm sure she did too, but regardless of that I don't want our friendship to continue or form a new friendship, or even have awkward "how are you doing" conversations once in a while. I feel the same way with all the other friends in that circle and I don't talk to any of them anymore other than waving if I see them (I'm in the same neighbourhood as two of them). So I'm conflicted on what to do. I don't want to meet up if she asks to do so. I don't really have anything to say to her myself other than showing that I don't have any grudges. I have no idea what her personality is like now (both of us were pretty immature back then). So what should I do? I don't know how I can tell someone that I just don't really want to talk to them to be honest. I think me ignoring her would get across a wrong message though. I don't want to sound like those "our paths are not aligned" tiktok therapists lol
Whose names are on the contract?
If it's both, you shouldn't have paid for her. Plus all letters are on her name.
Couldn't you find another roomate to move in her room?
Did she left stuff at the place? If so I would sell it.
How do you anons talk to your asshole parents? Specifically, how do I tolerate my dads behavior and have a really difficult conversation with him when he's hard to be around?
Explanation: My dad has gone through some rough shit lately, and i feel bad for him. But this also means his personality has changed, to the point where i forgot what he used to be like - he blows up over minute things, gives me a lot of attitude, punishes me for really silly things. He's a huge asshole now. I get anxious and start hyperventilating when he calls me, it's bad.
One thing I know he would love me to do is to go to university. And he woud be happy to pay for it. If it's in my country. But I'm not about to stay in my country and see the political situation worsen rapidly while i get an expensive and internationally worthless degree. I don't want to be stuck in a house that's burning down. However, degrees abroad are much more expensive by themselves, even without the cost of visas, planes, housing, etc. My goal is to ask my dad for sums of money he might not have budgeted for or anticipated. I have a lot of problems with difficult conversations with him.
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>>316578>FEELINGS ARE REAL. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THEM
what did you mean by this. i guess it's not so much feelings itself that's the problem, but that it gets out of hand to the point where i can't focus on important things.
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how do I fix a guy that denies getting better?
We have been together for almost 2 years. He has always been a stoner, but he wasn't this manchild abomination. I broke up with him after he started to get angry with me when I pointed out his mistakes. One time when he was early for a date I asked him if he could walk the 5 minutes to my station so we can walk hand in hand to the date spot. He treated me like I asked him to kill himself for me and made me cry in public. There were many more instances like this.
I told him to go to a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago but he hasn't. Again, stoner manchild. All he does is say sorry and tell me i am right but whenever we are together he denies me being right (despite me saying the same things over and over) and after we fight he acts like a slave for an hour and then forgets about it.
I told him to take a tolarence break from weed because we generally went on dates when he was sober and he looks miserable when sober. When he meets up with his friends he is generally high so he has fun with them.
He also critizes me because "i treat him like a baby" because I suggest things like maybe you should wake up earlier and sleep earlier because we dont get to meet since i dont like being outside late, he generally doesnt drop me to my house and im scared to go home at those hours by myself.
I am so used to being with him, I still love talking to him but he became what i despise. he wwasnt like this. what the fuck am i supposed to do?
This is going to sound stupid but I can't tell if I'm in denial over this guy or what. Posting here instead of the relationships thread because this is much more about me and my own feelings then the guy
For some context I'm a recovering bpdfag, and I used to have a super hard time with guys because I was a bit unhinged (spam texting, got attached too fast, emotionally unstable, ect). But within the past year and a half I've made so so much progress but I'm always working on doing better and finding my own peace.
Last May I started talking to this guy and we hung out in September and we've been seeing each other off/on since. I really enjoy his company but he isn't a great texter and blocks me whenever I get on his nerves. I know I can still be a bit overbearing, but it doesn't make me feel great when he does that, even if he always comes back in a few days. I'm not sure if this is relavent but hes been a bit of a shut in lately- he has alot on his plate with school and long shifts at a physical job and other obligations with organizations on campus, so I'm sure he doesn't appreciate seeing drunk texts/calls at 3am when he has to wake up at 5am, which I am trying to work on. Within the past twoish months he's started saying he loves me when we're together, and it seems genuine but I'm sort of losing hope that we'll ever be more than an off and on thing, and I can't decide whether it's worth trying to have a serious talk with him or what that would even look like. I worry alot that he has no interest in anything serious with me, and I'm just in such deep denial about it that I cant see the signs. I'm working on detachment lately and trying to see him for the person he is instead of the fantasy my brain builds up. I really enjoy spending time with him but I'm worried the situation is hopeless. I'm generally just trying to not worry about it because its not that big of a deal and it's gonna be what its gonna be and also I have so many other things to appreciate in my life and guys throw themselves at me all the time so I do have plenty of options, although I think I'd rather just be alone if I cant be with this specific guy.
Sorry this came off a bit ventish, and I know its gonna be okay but I'd appreciate any input!!
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Nonnas I had a breakup five months ago and it’s left me in a severely depressed state. First few months I was having daily panic attacks and now it’s just devolved into a pretty bad depression that I feel is getting worse. I have no interest in anyone or anything really. This break up has pretty severely destroyed me and I feel empty without him. I really loved him but I also feel like the weight of all my previous failed relationships is tumbling out too and it’s crushing. The start of our relationship also coincided with the death of one of my parents and I think I am finally feeling the full weight of that too. How can I stop the funk from getting worse? I’ve taken up exercise and a lot of other hobbies but nothing is super exciting. I don’t want to try antidepressants as I’ve been on quite a few and always had pretty severe side effects. I can barely hang out with my friends even as I spiral into a panic. No other men interest me at all and I can’t stand to be touched by other people. I feel so alone and it’s just getting worse. I’m in therapy, I have a full time job, I’m working out, I’m sleeping enough, my diet isn’t great but it’s decently healthy. What can I do to shake myself out of this?
You don't look like your dad. The comparisons your stepdad makes between you and your father say more about him than they do about you. It's all projection of his own problems, which have nothing to do with you. They say that because they know you despise your father and probably do everything you can to distance yourself from everything that surrounds him, so trying to reduce you to the object of your hatred is their way of trying to get you to hate and despise yourself. I'm sorry that you went through all this by your mother's hands, and I really can't tell you if one day this sadness will pass, but I need you to understand that you have nothing to do with your dad. Remove that idea from your head.
The anger will be present and I don't know if there is anything useful to do with it, and you may feel that it is paralyzing, precisely because it accumulates and there is no outlet. Use it as fuel to focus on your own life and do your own thing, that's the only way to beat them. The hate they place on us is a projection of their own problems that they chose not to solve and has nothing to do with us, especially when we are still children at the mercy of their goodwill. Become sovereign of your thoughts and exorcise their presence from within your body and mind.
There's this loser guy at work. Couldn't take a joke so he got offended and started to treat my requests with lower priority.
I could go to a manager with this but that would be boring.
Any ideas to fuck with him more? He's a 28 old single manlet and probably a virgin
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How can I improve my self-image and my confidence?
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and the narrative at home was always that I'm not good enough and I need help with everything because I can't do anything right. As a consequence I still have problems with self presentation (I come off as uncertain and give off vibes that I need guidance all the time which is a big disadvantage at work) and doubt myself constantly. I don't know how I could ever believe of myself that I'm good enough and that I matter. I might have depression too, not sure. I just want to stop feeling helpless and be confident
Make a list every day of the things you did correctly that day, including the most mundane shit you can think of like 'I turned the washing machine on' or 'I went to work at the correct time and in the correct place'. Read the previous entries every few days and whenever you feel worthless. You probably have a tendency to overthink everything and rely on other people for assurance that you're not a total fuckup, so this is a good way to remind yourself that you can do things and give you a better idea of how capable you actually are. CBT is good, there are workbooks and worksheets online that you can use if therapy isn't available to you right now.
And remember that other people are not your mother. They won't be obsessing over your actions like she did. If you say something stupid to the barista when you're ordering your coffee, they won't give a single shit, they see worse things every day. If you forget to attach files to an email, you won't be the laughing stock of the office, everyone does that sometimes and you just send another email with the files attached and an apology for forgetting to attach them the first time round. People truly don't care about your shortcomings. Change your language to be more positive, there are a lot of resources online about this, it's things like saying 'Thank you for being patient with me' instead of 'Sorry I need your help' and it really does make a difference.
Be careful not to latch onto anyone who gives you positive attention. Remember to never, ever base your self worth on anyone other than yourself.
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How do I calm down when blushing, or possibly prevent myself from blushing so much? It never happens because I’m attracted to someone, and I can be completely mentally sound, yet in social situations where there may possibly be some attention on me, my body will surge with adrenaline. I hate this because it can send the wrong signals, my body is just sensitive to social stimuli I guess? I also can’t help but crack smiles, and nervously laugh, which doesn’t help. I do expose myself to different social situations, I act fine and normal most of the time. It doesn’t seem to desensitize me, I still get like this in situations where it’s a big disadvantage. I don’t know what to do at this point.
sorry to repost this isn’t spam
If you like feminine styling then keep doing that. You obviously have a lot of insecurities about your appearance but those won't go away if you throw out all the clothes/makeup you like, that'll just make you feel worse. I agree with another anon that you sound like you might have BDD (and definitely very low self-esteem) but let's say you are ugly - I am too, and so are a lot of people. It's not the end of the world, and we're allowed to exist and wear clothes that we like. Ultimately we can't really change how we look (outside of surgery ig but even that has limits) so the question is if you want to go through your entire life being so self-conscious that you end up avoiding doing the things you like and dressing the way you want.
I can really sympathize with your post since I used to feel similarly (I used to not leave the house at all because I was so ashamed of people seeing my face), and for me taking an acceptance approach and forcing myself to stop ruminating over how I looked all the time was what ended up helping the most. I hope you can feel better about yourself someday anon.
Thank you for your reply. I used to dress up anyway but that was before my overbite got really bad, I started whistling when speaking due to the overbite as well, and I used to be able to wear contact lenses but now I wear thick glasses that heavily distort my face.
Since those flaws/changes happened I don't have any self esteem or peace with myself anymore.. and looking in the mirror like a troll in a dress and whistling when I speak just hurts. Any tips on how to actually become at peace with those things?
Med student here, jaw surgeries are super dangerous and usually not worth it at all, that's why you'll only see them being discussed by people with genetic syndromes or incels with BDD. A professor told us he knew a patient that got a jaw surgery to fix misaligned upper and lower jaw, he had major sleep apnea caused by this issue that left him hypoxic each night, he looked like a model afterwards but because of the complications, he couldn't even open his mouth and you can't really operate twice or easily fix jaw surgery complications. Now he has to eat from a tube and can't even open his mouth.
There's a reason jaw surgery isn't as popular as nose or boobjobs even though a big part of our society has jaw issues and the reason is these very high complication rates. A nose or boob job going wrong will look asymmetric at worst but with jaw surgery, you wouldn't be able to eat or talk normally ever again.
I also have BDD and I got a plastic surgery but it didn't make anything better, you'll just find something else to obsess about after you recover from your first surgery. I'd recommend therapy if you can afford that, if not, find some hobbies or keep yourself busy so you don't have enough time to obsess, that personally helped me. If you genuinely believe you're ugly, you can get a new haircut and color and learn makeup or hairstyling ways thay enhance your face. Sometimes even putting on gloss and mascara or clear shiny nail polish helps you feel more put together.
I don't need or can get dental surgery. For my dental problems I need braces but my teeth have no enamel and had a lot of cavities so they're too weak for braces.
For plastic surgery nobody wants to hire me or keep me at a job because of all my disabilities and no degree or experience or common sense or intelligence or physical health or driver license.. I'm trying..
Thank you for your reply. I don't know if it's still called BDD when you genuinely have shitty genetics and features? People think I've had a stroke or am trans or fat when they see my head.. and when I asked I got told that I do have very unfortunate features, they tried to say I'm not completely ugly but they admitted I look like a troll basically so that was probably just to be nice. My mouth and teeth and speech issues bother me the most, but everything being disproportionate is also not helpful.
My hair is really thin and my forehead is massive and my temples are bald so a haircut hasn't helped, I tried. I don't like makeup because my face is very oily and prone to acne and my eyes are really hooded and uneven, it's too much work. I only use powder foundation and mascara anymore. I love lipstick but on my deformed mouth it just looks gross I think?
>>318377> should I just throw out my pretty clothes and makeup etc and give up?
No, that will make you feel worse. Would be better to go full Dolly Parton with wigs and all, at least it would be fun.
Don’t know if this video will strike you in the right place but I think it’s nice. Maybe look up lizzie velasquez for inspiration, she’s out there living her girly life and she talks a lot about her appearance and self confidence and interacting with others
I mean yeah, it's still BDD if you're just unconventional looking but perceive your flaws bigger than they are. BDD by definition is obsessing over flaws to the point it hinders with your day to day life. And please don't listen to what others say about your looks.
Your hair situation sounds like you might have underlying health conditions, I'd suggest going to a doctor to get a proper blood test to see if it could be of any help although thin hair really isn't noticeable to outsiders unless you have literal bald spots. Think about it, have you ever seen a girl and thought, "huh her hair is so thin" in a negative way? I never have.
Having hooded or uneven eyes isn't that big of a deal either but curling your lashes and learning to do a very thin eyeliner look might help you become more content with your eyes.
As for your teeth, definitely see a dentist and orthodontist. Your bite can't be fixed simply with braces BUT perhaps it can get much better, good enough it won't bother you both aesthetic and functionality wise. I know girls in their twenties who are getting their teeth fixed using braces and it's working out great for them so you could perhaps give it a try. >>318550
Doctor of course matters but the type of complications you're going to get if you get one are much more serious than one you'd get during other surgeries. I've had my professor advise against it even if the patient needs it for functionality so yeah. I'm no doctor(yet lol) or plastic surgeon but I'm guessing there's a reason why jaw surgery isn't as commonly done as other cosmetic surgeries. Like have you ever heard of jaw surgeries outside of incel spaces? Think about it.
Oh I guess I wasn't clear.. I already went to the dentist/orthodontist and they told me I can't have braces anymore. My jaw is fine, my teeth itself are out of place, so yes braces would fix this but it's too late because my teeth are too weak and fucked up to handle that..
My grandma was balding in her 20s (I'm late 20s) so my genetic hairloss might be from her. Thin hair doesn't suit my massive jaw and I already have a really high hairline/huge forehead..
My lashes are really short and sparse too and I suck at false lashes and they hit my glasses. Eyeliner just disappears because my eyes are too hooded..
I appreciate you trying to help but there's a reason I feel so shitty and people are so grossed out by me. I am objectively/genetically a fucking mess..
My enamel is gone and I've had a lot of cavities. Root resorption is also a problem. At this point trying to keep my teeth is what I should be doing apparently.. and fake teeth are not covered by insurance and I have no money since I can't seem to get a job.>>318607
I'm sorry you're in a similar position.. short hair doesn't suit me at all and my temples are bald so idk. I cut my hair a lot shorter already and it just makes jaw stand out even more and doesn't look slimming or feminine at all :/(:/)
Find something else about yourself that you love. Maybe hobbies, career, personality, a talent of sorts? And try to think of your body as a vessel instead of an object. Go outside and look at all the average/ugly people who are happy, realize that %99 people look average just like you do.
These are stuff that helped me.
nta but i think she means this post>>313421
and some posts from an old vent thread that the original post was reposted from
So he has always thought there was a possibility of romance or sexual encounter between you, which is why he has to run it by his internet girlfriend before you meet. you’ve been friends for 10 years and apparently he’s had you slotted in a potential-sex category in his mind. That is bleak. Why can’t men just be normal friends ever… And why would he even tell you? He should keep his private rules with his “gf” between the two of them and not involve you, unless he’s trying to see if you’ll get jealous or he feels bad because he knows it’s stupid but he’s trying to make it her fault. He sounds annoying.
But I don’t know why you’re hurt, you must have known he’s retarded if you’ve been his friend for ten years.
Thanks for your sympathies Anon i’m just sad he’s essentially said fuck our long term IRL friendship for a woman he literally doesn’t even know and has never met.
LDRfags are insufferable
She's been posting about being mad at this dudes gf for weeks, this isn't her first post. She's obviously obsessed. >>319689
This /g/ board barely has 50 posters, there's no chance two anons are coincidentally butthurt over their super longtime male best friends getting an online girlfriend who also coincidentally doesn't let them meet up. Quit lying and get help.
Stop supporting her delusions, this anon posted about this before time and time again and expected other anons to give the same reply you just did. If he found anon even okay looking, he'd rather make a move on her than date some rando online. They've known each other for ten years yet he never showed interest or asked her out which means he probably thinks she's ugly.
Anon is very obviously interested in him and that is most likely why he's distancing himself since he doesn't want to ruin his relationship because he doesn't want anything to do with anon. If men are interested, they will make a move.
I never mentioned any of the things you’re blathering about, and I’m not ugly kek
You might be pretty, average or ugly that doesn't matter cause it that don't change the fact that he has no interest in you. If you keep going, you'll embarrass yourself even further.>>319739
Do you know what a-logging is?
I already ended the friendship not because i want to fuck him or are obsessed with him b
just because I don’t want to be involved in his toxic
super late to this but you put into words so effectively what I've struggled with all my adult life. I don't create nearly as much as I did when I was a teenager because of years of both my parents beating me down about my creative pursuits.
What I've found has helped me is taking the creative spurts and running with them. If you come up with an idea, or just feel like drawing/writing then see what you churn out. I'm still a work in progress on this so I can't exactly offer the best advice btw. I also really drill it into myself that it's ok to be bad, it's ok to keep improving. It also helps to be around creative friends who you can share your ideas with, because they'll likely lift you up and give you the external validation you missed growing up. That last one helped me supremely. I don't know what city you're in, but there's drink and draw events where I live, usually hosted at a bar (but you don't HAVE to drink) and you hang out with other people while drawing. There's also life drawing classes, writing workshops, etc. Going out and immersing yourself in a creative sphere does wonders to give you confidence in your creativity and can get that brain starting up thinking about these things again. Ultimately, you have to train your brain, which takes time and energy. I'm still on the journey nonnie
but I wish you luck!
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I do this thing at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping where I imagine fucked up scenarios and get really stressed/paranoid about things that aren't even really happening (ie. people breaking in the house, getting assaulted, my family dying) I don't know how to stop and it sends me into a panicked state where I often start physically shaking and feel sick. Don't know why I can't just imagine pleasant things but it's been going on for years. Is there anything i can do to stop this?
ok don't just do this because i'm saying it worked for me, but what worked for me is imagining the awful events all the way through to the end with separate worst-case and best-case scenario endings. I'd come up with all kinds of shit, maybe I would be dead because someone violently killed me or maybe I would gouge an assailant's eyes out with my thumbs & throw up because that's disgusting but at least I'm ok. maybe I would make a mistake at work and be embarrassed and my boss wouldn't let it go and I'd have to find a new job (which would put me on a whole new imaginary course of writing a resume and applying, searching, oh a career change might be good
who knows, etc) or it would be something I could explain and fix and maybe apologize but ultimately it'd be over, move on to the next task. hard to explain but I was basically envisioning the whole story and letting myself explore the practical outcomes of the things that made me anxious instead of just having anxious thoughts about them. i think it's similar to the principal of holding a thought/thinking it/letting it go when you're meditating until your head is empty.
I’m not sure what would help for you but gynos are generally very accommodating to any boundaries you have and will listen to your anxieties about the visit. You can ask to talk to the doctor before you undress and make them go at your pace (usually an assistant walks you back and has you change before the doctor even sees you, which might be fine or might make you feel too vulnerable to discuss things once the doctor is there, up to you). If you’re unlucky and get a bad office and they act shitty about it just leave.
Also I would recommend you make sure you’re dealing with a female doctor, like an actual MD or DO, not their assistants. Nothing against assistants/nurses and I have had a fine time with them but I always have way better experiences with the actual doctors at the gyno. Preferably a DO if you can find one, they’re more holistic in their approach to treating a patient.
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Does anyone know how to get over their own preconceptions about themselves?
Its my dream to write songs. I have tried my hand at it, ever since i was 14, but every single time ended in cringe-induced sobbing fits over how bad my singing voice is or how bad my guitar skills are or how cheesy the lyrics sound - this has always been the case even if i practiced doing both regularly. I've tried a lot of times from ages 14-17 and dropped it altogether, I just decided I'm "not destined" to make music.
I have other creative hobbies and this only ever happens specifically with writing songs. No problems with how bad my art or editing may be - I just shrug the flaws off.
Despite telling myself i cant write music i obviously still want to, so i want a fresh new start. But i don't want my new attempts reinforcing my belief that I can't make music.
Any nona been through this?
Might vary depending on location but idk anyone either male or female who as an adult calls their dad, daddy. Ngl I'd probably initially be a lil taken aback.
I guess 4 months in is very much in that stage where you're still finding out alot of new things about their family dynamic or their upbringing. Still figuring him out. You might just be hypervigilant atm looking for signs that something is off. It can be a fine line trying to spot red flags but also not read into things too much either. Unless he also has some weird stunted behaviour that comes along with it.. the word seems harmless by itself.
Why do you want to write songs? If you're doing it because you want to be an amazing songwriter then you are going to have to accept that you have to get through the crap ones before you'll get good. It's really hard. Maybe take a writing class and think about the songs more than your guitar/singing skills (writing is the more important skill). Maybe post your songs online anonymously and ask for feedback, can be a bit excruciating but will definitely help. Collaborating is another great way to develop your skills. If you just want to express yourself then take the pressure off - if you don't care about anyone else hearing the songs then just do them for yourself. Record them (even if you think it's bad) and listen back a few months later - you might be surprised. If you want to perform live just go and do some open mics. Get a friend to sign you up and then you're committed. You'll almost definitely enjoy it and get some nice feedback. I'm certain your songs are not as bad as you think, it's hard to be sincere and express yourself this way. My art teacher at school said to me 'everyone has 10,000 bad drawings in them, so you better get on with it' which is really good advice for basically learning any skill. I started making music seriously when I was 28 and went on tour in Japan when I was 30. Before that I spent my whole life second guessing myself like you, the only thing that changed was that I stopped giving a shit about what other people might think and learned to trust myself, mistakes and all. Good luck nonnie
, I believe in you.
Sad feelings are like an ebb and flow of the tide, they come and go. Becoming a live-in mommy bangmaid to a moid because you were lonely is hell until you die.
Pick up a new hobby or get absorbed in an old one, learn how to cook, play vidya, go somewhere fun every weekend.
Also this >>320656
Damn, thanks for the good advice. I suppose i didn't really know why i wanted to make music in the first place, time to figure it out i guess. I'll take this advice to heart. Thanks so much, nonnie
i have a vibrator and a dildo and its still not enough. the horniness feels painful and i cry about it. maybe ill buy myself a new toy though and see if it helps.
the mommy bangmaid route would be tempting if it was an option for me tbh. at least i would get sex. however the quality of sex would most likely be low and possibly even more frustrating then being celibate. you cant win.
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I want to learn how to do html/css but im too scared and idk why it feels too intimidating and i feel too dumb for it what do i do? it's not even like an interest of mine i just wanna decorate the site i use so it doesn't look so plain and ugly
any other anons felt scared and still learned something? any advice i know "just start" but if i do something wrong i know i'll quit…
I heard my husband say that a few years into our relationship and I was aghast and a bully — I said something like “what the fuck, you call your father daddy
? Why?” And he looked a little embarrassed and just said something like “uh yeah, I don’t know, I always have”. Then I felt bad lol. I think it was a me problem I was just taken aback. He doesn’t call his mom mommy (just mom or mother). Honestly idk why he does it and neither does he, I don’t question it anymore. His mom is opinionated but his dad is the one he and his sister found scary so I don’t know why they all refer to the dad in such a babyish way.
I think it's fine if people call their parents mommy and daddy in private, they're one of the closest people you're most comfortable with for a lot of people.
Idk I have a hard time even stomaching saying "my father" because of our poor relationship so I'd just be happy your partner has such a good relationship with his father.
As for having a chance, sure, it's pretty easy to fuck someone in a band, it's probably considered weird if a musician isn't
promiscuous. As for how you'll feel about it after, that's really a gamble. You very well might not enjoy it since you probably have all these preconceptions about sex as a virgin and they're not broken yet, chances are the sex will be mid simply because you don't have a personal (not parasocial) emotional connection with the guy and it might feel sort of mechanical. As other nonnies here have said, the guy you want to fuck probably isn't who you think he is, either, especially if, for him, you being a virgin is a bonus.
If you're willing to give it a shot, just dont catch an std and the only worry your mind might have to bear is how bad the sex was and your possible dissapointment about your first time being with him (which is an attitude most people have toward their first time tbh).
You've only lost one visual trigger
to unlock the pre-existing memory within you, sometimes you'll smell or see something reminiscent and you'll remember it all the same, maybe even more vividly because the experiences are still with you after all. I lost all memories of my childhood cat and am admittedly very bad at retaining information too (like can't consistently remember order of the months retardation) but one day I was lying in the sun and the heat suddenly reminded me how it's black fur turned reddish in the summer just because it decided to follow me around all day. Then I could remember everything about it pretty accurately
youre not a whore at all, i understand youre horny and very attracted to him but its not a good idea. it isnt going to go the way you imagine it. you may have an idea of him that isnt true to how he actually is.
i would suggest just giving him a hj or something instead, and maybe see if he wanted to meet up at another time. having sex with a man you dont personally know is not a good idea, and not because it would make you a "whore". it's a bad idea because you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. even if you use a condom, condoms dont protect against oral or genital herpes. even if he says that he is clean, a lot of std tests dont check for herpes.
losing your virginity can be quite painful if the man is not considerate of you as well, or rushes it.
bargaining your innate qualities, such as your appearance or youth or virginity, in order to attempt to secure the attention and love of a man is naive. presenting these qualities on a silver platter for him will not guarantee anything. there is no formula to secure a relationship with a man.
i hope you stay safe.
Band members sleep with groupies a lot, you have a high chance. You can't date or marry a man like that though, you'll just have a one night stand.
I don't think it'd be worth it for you.
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You will get pumped and dumped and forgotten within one day. Do you really want this to be your first sexual encounter?
it's going to be hard. my first bf ghosted me and it really destroyed me. i was sad about it for over six months. i would say just try to keep your mind off it, and things will heal in time even if right now it feels excruciating. go out with friends, give your home a nice spring cleaning, watch a movie.
you could also write a letter to him explaining your feelings, but dont send it. just write it to get it off your chest.
there's a chance he'll come back if whatever he's doing now doesnt work out. dont let him back in. he's broken your trust and didnt even give you the decency of a simple goodbye.
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is it normal to feel like shit after being out for a little bit? and why could it be happening?
I feel so horrible right now as if I'm about to pass out, head and eyes feel like exploding from tension and stress. not only that, but the entire socket turned blackish and sunken from fatigue even though when I woke up they looked so-so. this always seems to happen too. I just always feel like hell if I go out at all. also, days I don't go out I still feel tired, but it isn't to dysfunctional levels.
I'm very worried about my future. I'm getting up in the years and I can't even believe that I'll have less energy in my 30s. Also, I remember having 1 day where I had energy in my entire life and it was like a dream. I felt great the whole day even when I went outside.
PS: I grew up morbidly obese thanks to my family. I started working out and became a healthy weight but experienced 0 improvement to how I feel. also, I did get basic stuff tested at the doctors. I honestly doubt anything is off.
What? I don't get it, am I missing something? You didn't do anything embarrassing, in fact you didn't do anything at all.
I'll just say you don't get people to talk to you by walking behind them but by approaching and talking to them
Samefag, were you actually stalking him or just "walking behind"
Because there's a huge difference
Yeah, it's like I thought at first, you did nothing at all kek
Can't believe you want to miss your classes over this, get a grip
And let me reiterate>you don't get people to talk to you by walking behind them but by approaching and talking to them
I promise you it's fine, you didn't do anything shameful, you are indeed just overthinking.
That said, you are
weird, that's my impression even through the screen.
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Any advice to cope with anxiety? I got an email this morning from my work supervisor about how I've been underperforming and it's sent me into a horrible spiral. I'm not having a panic attack or anything, but I can't stop worrying about whether I'm in trouble, if I'm cut out for my job, and obsessing over everything I've done wrong. I've already kept myself busy with cooking and taking a shower, but it's taken me hours to do both of those things because I spend half the time standing around in a daze while worrying. I know it'd be horribly unproductive to waste this entire night just sitting around and spiraling so how do I snap myself out of it?
Send them a corporate lingo email back thanking them for this chance to grow and learn and also complimenting them for caring about your career development enough to reach out. Ask them for steps you can take to improve your performance or if you know what the issue is then lay the steps out yourself and ask for confirmation of your growth and improvement plan.
This is advice for bullshitting out of it and acting like you’re engaged in improving (up to you wether you are going to change but sometime supervisors just want to hear the words that you’re working on it, dunno your situation.) if you have a serious issue and you like your supervisor and have some trust in them then this would be the time to disclose what personal thing is holding you back (DO NOT DISCLOSE unless you have a trust based relationship with them and youre 100% comfortable with other managers knowing what your issue is)
Thank you nona! I didn’t see this until now, but I ended getting so anxious before work this morning that I ended up sending an email saying that I was open to having a meeting to discuss my performance more and I feel much better. We ended up meeting about it just now and I think it made me feel more relieved to show my supervisor that I’m trying to work on it. What you said is actually very helpful. I think it’s good to be proactive to a certain extent and then leave it someone else’s hands instead of ruminating over what you can’t control. I’m going to keep it in mind because I’m sure work anxiety is going to continue to pop up.>>322568
Thanks for this too. I’m still an idiot when it comes to navigating work situations so I appreciate the breakdown of how to respond to emails like that. Unfortunately it’s a concrete thing that I’ll have to improve on or else I’m sure it could impact my job, so I’ll be busting my ass for the next few weeks but that’s life I guess.
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Got into it with my professor and classmates at school, I went to the dean and complained and the professor apologized in front of the whole class (which made things worse and I didn’t ask her to do this) but the students she is buddy-buddy with make being in class unbearable with passive aggressive comments. I took a leave of absence and I am supposed to go back to sign paperwork to go back with a different professor but I keep having terrible anxiety and crying before and just seeing these other students just sucks cause theyre bitchy mean girls. I just want to give up, if I switch schools now I will have to pay out of pocket. But i don’t respond well to stressful situations I’m afraid I’ll lash out and say something and get expelled. My boyfriend is pressuring me to finish and get a better job and isn’t sympathetic to my situation at all. I just wanna pack my things and move across town and save up for school again rather than have to confront these people for the next two months…I know it’s pathetic, I think I have some major unresolved trauma for being bullied in elem school. What would you do in this situation Iam desperate.
It's not pathetic not wanting to be in a hostile environment anon.
I'm sorry I don't have further advice, I hope you finish your studies despite all hurdles.
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Im starting therapy soon and I was wondering how much is too much to share in a first session? I don't want to be put away but if she ask me about my paranoid thoughts I feel compelled to share because she's supposed to be there to help, right?
it's hard for people to self-reflect. it would be a hit to her ego to accept she herself chose to be with that human turd and if she can somehow make it your fault it won't be her fault lol (somehow everything being his fault is never an option)
you can't really do anything… block and move on / ignore completely / do the restraining order if you need to. confrontation with crazies isn't worth it.
Lots of weird stuff about your story imo…>he used a burner account which is weird yet you still spoke to it>she somehow found his burner too>and it sounds like realized u knew him, even tho he was hiding that info in text?>and then she posted you on here? (which you somehow recognized?)>"I swear on god I had no interest" why are u trying to convince us?
But I can't tell if that's cause you're making something up or you three are just that severely online, in which case my advice is to block them both everywhere and stop talking to people on reddit (really what do you gain from that, just delete reddit altogether actually).
I've been single my whole life. Growing up, I think it mostly came from being shy and having low self-esteem. After I graduated college, that shifted to feeling that I haven't met a guy who feels like they'd be compatible with me. I've been on dates and whatnot, but nothing ever feels right, so I've kind of accepted that I might just be single for the rest of my life. As a kid I've always daydreamed over some form of hyperfixation or another. When I develop a parasocial crush on some moid, whether it's a musician or a streamer or someone else, it can be so intense. Now that I'm older, it makes me happy that I'm not in a relationship because I don't think I could ever feel this way about someone I knew irl (nor would that be healthy).
There's one person in particular who I've had a parasocial crush on for years now. It's on and off, but at times when I'm super into it (like now) I find myself thinking about him a lot. I imagine us having conversations together and what we would do together. I know so much about him that it's basically like having an imaginary boyfriend, even if he was a real person. I usually indulge myself in these fantasies because I'm not hurting anyone and I'm single so I might as well. I think about this person a lot and the fantasies I come up with make me happy. I know that he doesn't know I exist and never will. I'm more than okay with that. I'm aware I don't truly know this person and that I'm probably imagining them to be much better than they are. But I don't have anyone else in my life to fixate on nor do I plan to, so what's the harm? Of course part of me feels like this obviously isn't normal. I'm getting older and eople usually must outgrow this, but the older I get the more intense my hyperfixations become. I guess my imagination only keeps getting better lol.
Is there something I'm overlooking here where this is unhealthy? Is it bad to essentially fall in love with a projected version of someone in your head? It doesn't really interfere with my life in any way, but just typing that out makes me question myself as that sounds really unhealthy. Sometimes I worry that one day I'll lose my ability to feel this way.
Correct me if I'm wrong and I'm obviously not a psychologist but here's what I'm thinking: you're avoiding the root of the problem, your low self-esteem. Your low self-esteem prevented you from dating so you would've dated had you had a healthy self-esteem, but because you didn't have a healthy self-esteem you never ended up dating anyone. That already pretty much confirms that the situation you're in right now isn't healthy, is it? Because you didn't end up here from a deliberate choice made from a position of good mental health but because you weren't mentally in the right place to date so you never did.
From how I see it, it's directly interfering with your life because you're actively avoiding (romantic) human connection, something we as humans naturally desire and need. You've never even tried being in a relationship but have completely discounted the option of ever being in one, that IS directly interfering with your life. I don't see how you could reasonably think this isn't unhealthy.
I didn’t realize that those things could be mutually exclusive. Is it that bad to not be able to feel a strong sense of romantic attraction to someone irl? (I don’t mean this sarcastically, I’m genuinely curious)>>323057
I see what you’re saying and I’ve thought that myself sometimes (that it’s a product of avoidance and low self-esteem). Is romantic connection something we need? This is something I ask myself a lot. In history I know people often didn’t marry for love. And growing up, my parents never had a romantic connection either- with each other or anyone else
So I often question whether it’s a realistic expectation to think that romance will be a part of my life or if that’s a cultural expectation and I’m setting myself up to be disappointed by expecting that. I’ve tried going on dates before, but I never get the feeling that I’d want that person to be in my life. I’m attracted to men, but I rarely actually like them when I interact with them. I know it sounds like I’m trying disagree with you, which isn’t the case. I also wonder if this stems from avoidance because I have no idea what it’s like to be in a relationship. I guess I’m just trying to explain where I’m at mentally. I wonder if it’s worth trying to ‘fix’ my avoidance because will I even find someone out there? Romantic connection is so foreign to me I wouldn’t even know where to start looking for it.
Nona we're in suchhh a similar situation and mindset. Like you, I've been on dates or in flirting stage with people but I can't imagine an actual relationship with someone, like the comfortability that people have to start families.
Personally, I'm not in a huge hurry to get in a relationship. I'm also out of college and it just doesn't feel embarrassing anymore. Though, I notice when I'm reading more romance genre or hyperfixating on an online personality/celebrity, I'm less interested in finding a partner. Like that need is 80% met. Does the same thing happen for you? These one-sided crushes are really easy because we don't have anything to fear but imo they are ultimately a bad distraction from a psychological need you do have. I don't think you'll lose your imagination if you tried to cut back on it, and if you end up in a relationship you might find you like that more than your imagination.
I'm really interested too to hear more perspectives from nonas with relationship experience. I've heard some women describe demisexuality similarly to this, where they don't generally crave a relationship when they're out of one and to be into someone, they have to know them first. So if that applies to you, it could be you just haven't given yourself enough opportunities to meet people irl or go past initial dates till you like someone? I know for me, also low self-esteem, I can self-sabotage and convince myself the other person is faking interest then back away first.
Throwing out that lunchbox will have about the same environmental impact as a drop of water has on your skins hydration. Less actually.
If you can stomach cleaning it, do a bleach bath too since plastic has micro scratches that bacteria sticks in. But don't stress if you can't.
We're a lot harsher on ourselves than our loved ones are. Reconnect with her and start opening up about your insecurities, it'll help. You haven't fucked anything up.>all of the worst experiences of my life happened because I tried getting out of my shell
The best experiences of our lives also come from getting out of our shells. How else did you become friends with her originally or start your small business?>it's like the me I am today is a product of all my fears.
And you can come back from that. How you feel right now isn't permanent, it's just a bad phase in your life and the fact that you're even wanting to reconnect now is a sign you're moving out of it.
I don't really think it's a matter of needing romantic connection but that it's fun to experience when it is there, but it's not some biological necessity like eating or breathing. That person is an individual–maybe they do feel satisfied according to their values and priorities. Heck, just think about a lot of the degenerates that are into e-girls. People argue that they're lonely but there's a high chance they don't actually want the effort and dyadic care that goes into a relationship with a real person. Doesn't make what they are doing better though it recontextualizes their loneliness.
Now for her maybe she'd be less numb to real people if she didn't hyperfixate? I do know that a lot of other women seek out relationships, no matter how bad, at the prospect of fulfilling such things, but then rarely find a long-term compatible partner that fulfills such desires, let alone one that actually pans out. Yet, society keeps systemizing how all women should seek out relationships, especially with men, and renders anyone different as abnormalities. I.e., like >>323057
did, who pretty much ignores that not everyone is into having romantic connections with others and claims anyone different is mentally ill somehow. This is a problem when massive amounts of women complain about getting into bad relationships, but insist on staying because an unpartnered woman is seen as a failure. Throw in how it's much more common for men to mock women for wanting romance than for a woman to find a guy that wants and facilitates romance, even a decade into a relationship…and we have a situation of women seeking out something they're unlikely to find. What part of this is natural, and what part is simply putting ones' eggs into one basket of many and society expecting this out of women?
Hyperfixating on strangers is not a "fun experience", it's a technologically enabled coping mechanism. What would she do if there was no Internet?
Some people don't need a romantic connection. Those people don't obsess over streamers.
>>323166>I notice when I'm hyperfixating I'm less interested in finding a partner. Like that need is 80% met.
Yes, that is exactly how I feel when I'm deep into a fixation. Ultimately, it feels really nice for me to have someone to "like," but I don't find myself wishing that I had someone who liked me back the same way. Perhaps that's a product of avoidance and low self-esteem as the other anon said. And I agree a one-sided crush is much easier than a real relationship. They don't require the work that a real relationship would and as you said, could serve as a distraction from the real thing. I just don't know if I would even enjoy the "real thing," which is why I guess I feel so confused.
In terms of personal experience, there was one time in my life where I did have a crush on someone I knew. It was someone I was friends with in high school and then I started liking him in college. It didn't work out because we gradually lost touch. So I think what you say about needing more time to establish a connection may be true. He was the only guy I experienced romantic attraction toward and we never interacted in a romantic context. We were only ever friends. I don't think I can develop a connection with a guy on a date (at least from my experience), but you're totally right that I don't have any opportunities to meet people irl any other way. Thanks for listening and understanding.>>323211
Lol nona this made me laugh. I can't argue with that. I just can't imagine how I would function in the context of a real romantic connection, which is where the trouble comes from I suppose. Whenever I try it doesn't feel right. >>323232
Yes I agree with a lot of this. I think a lot of women pressure themselves to be in relationships because society overstates the importance of romance. I think a lot of people feel that their lives would be empty if they didn't have someone to love them so they will pursue that regardless of who the person is- even if that person isn't a good fit for them. I think about this a lot and therefore don't feel bad about not being in a relationship. But now I think your words are making me realize that I'm essentially doing the same thing except instead of constantly seeking out relationships I seek out parasocial fixations. Even if it's different because I'm happy being single, I guess I'm trying to fill the same void. So I suppose I could invest my energy into trying to be happy being single without enabling any parasocial fixations (very difficult, but probably possible), continue doing what I'm doing (satisfying, but unhealthy), or try to find romantic connection in real life (although I'm still not sure that exists).
he might have planned to do it ahead of time and has some kind of sick fetish for making women feel bad and "taking virginities", so he is unable to have sex and date like a normal person. sounds kind of redpill-y. waiting two months to have sex is fine and even if you fucked the day you met he shouldn't have acted like a jackass.
i'm sorry you were used by a worthless man who decided to pretend to be normal because no woman would want him for how he actually is. maybe talking to friends or a therapist. i think also time and allowing yourself to get angry at being sexually used and degraded by a liar would be healthy. because that's what happened.
I would like to know how to do this too. Whenever people are assholes towards me, it’s like my mind goes blank and I don’t know what to say back. My response is to freeze, I guess. Then I feel bad later and think, “I should’ve said something.” Mostly because I don’t want the jerk to think they can get away with being nasty towards people.
This isn’t the case when it happens to someone else though. If someone is being rude to one of my friends, I’m a lot more bold and will defend them, the words just flow out. I’m not sure why this is.
People have said it’s fine to be “the bigger person” and to ignore what someone else says to me, but I wish sometimes that I was better prepared in these moments, and I’m not sure how to do that. How do you rewire your brain to respond differently?
keep in mind it literally has nothing to do with you. there's massive amounts of men who seek to maximize how fucked up and unfair sex is for women by making the power dynamic unequal..because it empowers them. you were simply a normal person that vibed with someone that deeply misrepresented himself and found a way to make it even more of a "win" for him and a "loss" for you. It's sick, yeah, though basically he would have done it to anyone in one way or another.
Look into "narcissistic devaluation" on google and you'll see some of the signs.
also take this with a grain of salt because I am a very old virgin that has never touched a guy in my entire life, kek, but I listen to a lot of womens' experiences and the dumb shit men say about the subject.
I need to do what makes me happy, and secure in my body.
I am sorry this happened to you, these people were never your friends. You should be glad you got rid of them, not sad. Now you have the opportunity to build an actual supportive network.
They stood on the side of your attacker, realize they are literally your ENEMIES, not ex-friends. Nobody pines over losing an enemy.
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I'm in a similar situation, I lost my friend group of almost 10 years during covid. It was my own fault really, I acted really poorly and we got in a fight. I still have not gotten a "main" friend group, and I'm not sure I never will. It hurts a lot thinking about the people I lost but what's done is done. I have gotten new casual contacts from school, but obviously I will never get a decade long tight knit group like that. I'm a bit at a loss of what I should do myself. Moving to another country and starting everything over feels tempting. At least then it would be understandable why I don't have many friends. Honestly I want to kms over being such a loser who can't keep friends sometimes (this does not apply to you of course, losing your friends wasn't your fault at all).
I think you might have a chance of repairing things if they find out the truth, but obviously you might not want to seeing how they treated you.
I know deep down you're right. I've given a lot of thought too to what I would do if they did end up coming around and even then I don't think I could forgive them just knowing this was their initial reaction the bridge is totally burned. I surely would never be able to trust them again like I used to. But its still hard to just override all those memories. They really, truly felt like friends. They have all known my ex since gradeschool and the best explanation I can come up with is that they can't see who he is now because they've seen who he was/acts like he is for so long (if that makes sense). Maybe the key is to just remind myself a lot that real friends wouldn't side with him like that. But it is very, very hard. I don't know why my brain keeps trying to remind me of good times. >>323784
I'm so sorry you went through this too nonnie
. 10 years is such a long time, but I completely understand now that one situation even if its a fluke really can just completely change everything and its so shocking and devastating. Maybe the length of time you've known someone isn't as important as the quality of the person. Hopefully even if neither of us will have those decade long, tight-knit friendships, there are still good ones out there even if they are more recent. You do make a good point about moving to a brand new country though, it seems extreme but it also makes me think that yeah that's definitely something that people do and they still ultimately end up leading happy lives and meeting new people. It is possible to start over, it doesn't have to be hopeless even if it feels that way. Please don't kys, I don't even know you but I still know you don't deserve to feel that! Not having friends is hard, being isolated is literally like the most core fear for most people, so it completely makes sense you feel that way (I feel it too) but it's a feeling not a fact and you aren't a loser. Esp if you see what went wrong. Friendships are so complicated and it absolutely sucks when it takes a huge difficult situation to show ones that can't survive big conflicts. It hurts.
he's a complete freak. he probably watches too much virgin porn and thinks you were supposed to act like you were in pain and cry or something, but you enjoyed it like a normal person who was ready to have sex and has a libido. you're normal and healthy but he doesn't know what that looks like. you scared him by being happy and secure about the sex so he lashed out at you which is what shitty people do when they encounter the unfamiliar and unexpected. massive loss for him, do not take him back if he regrets what he did (he probably doesn't but just a warning, he'll be shitty again).
that's my theory anyway.
A friend of mine friend had a lot of luck with hobby classes(like weekly painting/drawing/photography), board game meet ups, book clubs, yoga classes, dance classes and even group gym workouts. The main thing is you have to put in a lot of effort and reallly care about the people you meet if you want to form close relationships. It's absolutely possible make those connections but it's real, hard work and the other people have to be open to it as well.Nonnie
, have hope. I'm sure you are a lovely person and you can work on yourself and improve things you don't like. We are capable of change, nothing is set in stone. Like the other anon said, it's not about the length of time you know someone, but the quality of the time you spend together. I've had some incredibly brief friendships that were deeper than my decade long ones.
>>323809>he keeps trying to touch me
Next time he gets close to touching you or actually touches you, jump and yell like you are extremely surprised and upset (even if you're not surprised and only mildly gagging internally). Jump out of your chair, knock it over on your way up, whirl your arms, spin around like a spider just landed on you, etc. Do it really fast and really loud like you've actually been spooked. He may react negatively or makes a fuss about just being friendly
or, conversely, he may be apologetic and taken aback. No matter what he does afterwards DO NOT APOLOGIZE for showing your displeasure in an outward way, you have nothing to apologize for, he is the one who got to close to you. the most you should say is a factual statement like "I do not want you to touch me" or, like, "I don't like surprise touching, don't touch me again". ideally in a flat or stern tone and a blank or slightly unfriendly expression…. whatever feels right, just DO NOT SAY SORRY. I think I read this on an advice blog like 10 years ago because I was also shy and bad with boundaries and communicating in general and I was a damn doormat getting casually touched by overly familiar people and i hated it. it worked for me. the cover of pretending it was an involuntary reaction was a lifesaver (probably mostly in my own head). I've also just whirled around and said "NO" while pointing a finger like I was yelling at a fucking dog (not that I yell at dogs).
I don't know what you can do except make accounts online under their real names gloating about what they've done to you since school and how they got away with it. Keep updating the accounts all the time whenever they stop you from getting a job, find out something new about you, anything. Gloat about their past exploits and how they can use their real names because they are immune to the police. You should mention your real name quite often- if any employer googles you they'll be able to find the accounts. Save everything you put on the accounts in case they get deleted. Make accounts on whatever site you feel they'd be at home in but probably don't have an account on yet.>>323918
Stop saying things that paint you as helpless, like 'I don't think I'd be able to do that' or 'I could never do X' or 'I'm not smart/capable enough for a job like that'. Say thank you and smile whenever someone compliments you. When you think you're going to struggle with something, make a list of what you need to do to be able to complete it, instead of shrinking away from the task. Embrace who you are and what you've achieved. Don't chase validation from others. Dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable and makes you look good, but don't go full retard and buy all new clothes that fit the look you're going for but make you feel self conscious. Also, everything >>323919
I dunno it might not be too late. You can just visibly shudder and make a gross face and be like “oops you caught me off guard this time, I actually hate that so fucking much” and if he’s like what it was fine before
just stonewall state at him like “don’t know what to tell you, dude, I hated it then too.”
Why on earth are you paying for your family's food when your father is there?? I mean if you were shouting dinner as a nice gesture that would be one thing, but seems like you can't afford it and just needed to feed them. It's absolutely shameful that your father, the man who should be providing for you and your siblings, let you pay at all let alone selfishly ordered the priciest food for himself then threw a childish tantrum because he had to share it.
You aren't even remotely in the wrong, and he sounds worse than manipulative. A decent man and father would never prioritise his own money and meal over his kids. Being generous and selfless to your family is the bare minimum for a parent, he's pathetic. Take your siblings out and don't invite him next time you want to treat them.
I had a dad exactly like that except he was also physically abusive
and frequently used intimidation to get what he wanted (he still did the pouting too though which is just incredible looking back). Always wanting more, the biggest share should go to him, the best cut of meat, whatever the nicest thing was at the table. He didn't want to share the best thing with his children more than maybe one time just to show us how good it was and how to prepare or shop for it and develop a taste for it so we could bring it to him. if you wanted something nice for yourself you had to have a plan to keep it a secret & make sure it never got back to him. He never worked, my mother earned all the money for the family; he had a rich dad and his inheritance was supposedly going to free her from working "in the future" but when he got it he blew through it in record time and at the end just had debt; he died and she's still working. Before he died he complained about being lonely and how his children had abandoned him and he was talking about getting a new child somehow which fills me with dread to even think about because he was getting a little crazy but he passed away before he did anything.
Men like that are leeches and they don't deserve any respect or consideration. They should be ashamed to behave that way. They should be cut off completely for being a drain on the fucking village. I should have hit my dad upside the head with a cast iron skillet decades ago so my mother would be better off. Nothing but suffering lays down the road with your dad if he keeps behaving the way he did. He has to drastically change his behavior and apologize to you and your siblings for being a failure as a parent (basically no chance of that happening short of a miracle because he probably deeply believes he's entitled to good things even if he has to squeeze them from you his child).
I want to say if it comes up you should point out that a parent shouldn't behave that way for the reasons the other anon pointed out, but if he's anything like my dad as soon as anyone tells him exactly how he acted in a factual statement he will just pretend he never acted that way. If he completely tries to warp reality about what happened that's a very bad sign and he's a lost cause. My hackles are so far up over this I'm probably not giving useful advice but if you're in the worst-case scenario I'm imagining there's nothing to do but leave forever or play nice until you can grab your siblings and then leave forever.
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Retardation incoming, I apologise, idk much about this sort of stuff.
There's this guy who takes my train, he's very quiet always on his phone listening to music, keeps to himself. I'm absolutely infatuated with him. I have no clue how to approach him though, I'm autistic as shit and can't really function well in social situations, it also feels awkward to go up to such a quiet guy who probably doesn't want to be bothered. My friend once overheard two guys talking about him, making fun of him saying how if you shout his name he wont even look and one time someone tried to high five him & all he did was go "no". It just makes me feel bad for him, I've been treated the same, I don't think he has any friends either, social retardation aside, I feel like just approaching him could put him in an uncomfortable situation. It's strange since he's crazy attractive, which makes me think if he's done something to be an outcast, or if he thinks he's too good for others? This is also probably my anxiety, but we live the same way, I once got stuck walking behind him and I feel like he thought I was following him since I was pretty close and couldn't go around him kek. My fear of rejection is so bad too, sending me into meltdowns & anxiety attacks sometimes typing this out makes me feel like I'm some tiktok kid god so I don't really wanna freak myself out like that just in case he's not interested. Also in general men don't really like me since I can come off strong, I have a pretty dominant/loud personality. I don't really like guys in my area, but there's just something about him that he consumes my every thought.
"I'm interested in you. Would you like to go on a walk together when we get off at our stop? If not that's fine, I can't stop taking this train so I don't want to make it weird." Then if he says no you say ok let me know if you change your mind / if you're up for it some other day
–ball's in his court, don't think about it again.
If he says yes you go on a walk, if there's a pretty street or nice park nearby go there. You could get a bite to eat but only if he suggests it or you're really hungry. You could literally run an errand together or something, ask him if there's a local spot he likes (bookstore, music shop, bakery, etc) it doesn't matter. Keep the walking in public places so it doesn't come off like propositioning him (do not show him where you live).
No advice from me because I am an inept doofus at flirting, but I'm rooting for you, nonnie
! If you make a move on him, could you update us to how it went and what happened? I really hope he responds well if you approach him; I'll put in a good word for you to the cosmic karma vibing in our universe!
>>324621>It's strange since he's crazy attractive, which makes me think if he's done something to be an outcast, or if he thinks he's too good for others?
Attractive people also can be anxious or natural loners or simply introverts anon. How would you know if he's an outcast if you only know him from being on the same train anyway? For all you know he has a tight knitted friend circle.> This is also probably my anxiety, but we live the same way, I once got stuck walking behind him and I feel like he thought I was following him since I was pretty close and couldn't go around him
Yes that's your anxiety talking
Personally I wouldn't be as direct as >>324627
about it but offering to walk together is a good way to make contact indeed.
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I had a mental breakdown due to seasonal depression and quit my job. My boss didn’t want me to leave and the CEO wrote a long letter telling me he’d up my salary and let me work from home. I was so depressed and overwhelmed I didn’t read mg email after sending my resignation email so I didn’t see his negotiation until a week later. Only I wasn’t ready to go back because now I’m embarrassed about telling them I had a mental breakdown. It’s a small office and everyone would look at me weird. My family says I should ask if I can work again but I feel like the ship has sailed. They are about to enter busy season and I know they need help and it’s a job where you’d rather seasoned people who you don’t have to train. Should I send them an email asking for what the CEO negotiated or should I just call it a wrap and look somewhere else? quit back in January and was just living off savings this whole time but everyone is telling me to go back to work. Especially in this economy. I’m just scared of the judgement from the office for quitting when I was too overwhelmed.
Your family is right, you ask for your job back. You don't know if the ship has failed if you haven't tried. You're making excuses why you shouldn't try because you're afraid of rejection. Second, your coworkers don't have to know shit. If you don't want to divulge to them about your mental health, you tell them you quit because you had to deal with a private situation and change the subject.
Go get your job back!
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Thank you!! I will I feel more confident I think I just needed unbiased strangers to make me realize I’m being dramatic
Nona what the fuck? Ghost him, block him, the end. He didn't invest shit into the 'relationship', he narc manipulated you into thinking he did. Stop responding to him, you don't owe him shit. He'll find another martyr to leech off of when he realizes you're gone, he'll be fine.
Also you sound very young. There's no need to put your entire life online. If you're worried he's going to find you again, make other accounts with completely different names and interests and don't post anything that can be traced back to you. And if someone comes sobbing to you with tales of woe, you can ignore them, block them, tell them to fuck off, close comments/messages, the list is endless. You're not a therapist, don't force yourself to act like one.
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Thank you nonnas, I appreciate your kind words & help! I will try to muster up the courage to say something if I see him in the upcoming week, my friend suggesting to try get his Instagram/number if being direct is too nerve-racking (worst comes to worst I will hand him a creepy note kek). I will be sure to keep you all updated if something happens!>>324630
You're right, I assumed since he's so handsome someone would of approached him by now and befriended him. I occasionally see him around the college we both go to, he's never really with anyone, which made me think he didn't really know anyone. But we live in the same town, so he might have friends here, it's decently small so I wouldn't be surprised if we both had friends of friends in common. I appreciate your reality check too kek, thank you!
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Do we ever truly get over anything traumatic ever or are the therapists trying to drain our $ and make us cope till our last breath? Do we just get better at putting that shit to the side and getting more and better things to do than stay stuck on it (in a non-cope way)?
My parents can be horrible and I don't think they want to change so it's just up to me.
I think the point of therapy is to put the trauma in the mindframe of something that happened in the past
and free yourself from it shackling your actions in the present and future. It’s not like you’re gonna forget it but when it becomes so consuming it ruins your life every fucking moment moving forward it’s unbearable and that is something you can change in your own mind for your own life.
>>325066>on the same level as ps
Except you're not cutting into your body, shaving away bone or injecting foreign matter.
Are your friends also opposed to shaving? Because I see essentially no difference between shaving and lasering it off permanentely. The result is the same: no hair. And unlike ps, lasering doesn't come with any health risks you don't also get from shaving. I guess you could argue isn't permanent but most women don't go through phases of not shaving so it basically is.
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Life-long self-hating body image woes, just a heads up. I don't know if I have body dismorphia, but my relationship with my looks is not good…to the point of having camera-phobia to a large part.
inb4 femcel, not the case. I take good care of myself, eat pretty alright, and am an average weight. However, when I see myself, especially at a profile, I seriously want to cry. If you've ever seen those "witch vs angel skulls" comparison, I tick all the witch boxes. I have a hooked thin downturned nose, very small lips, somewhat frowning eyebrows, and a small chin. My natural hair is poofy and vaguely wavy/curly, go figure. I feel like I mitigate my unfortunate features by dressing nicely and doing minimal flattering makeup, but… The thought of somehow changing my face looms over me. I think I will likely never get PS just because imo a lot of the times surgeries don't balance facial harmony. But I feel like I don't have harmony to begin with! It's like starting to paint with a warped canvas. I'm not sure if PS is feasible; if I fix my hooked nose, for example, wouldn't it make my philtrum look longer? Or getting lip filler would make my chin look even smaller? IDK Nonnas. I'm lost. I don't wanna try to look like every girl who gets PS, but at the same time I don't feel like I can ever be a person who is a uniquely aesthetically pleasing person. Is there just no hope for some people? Can witch-skull girls ever be pretty?
Confession… this one /snow cow I've never seen before popped up on the dash and she looks SCARILY similar to me, albeit a little heavier. When I saw her I was horrified because I saw my features in her face and she is as unattractive as what I see in the mirror. GOD. People in the thread were calling her a night terror or something and I know we do that to cows because their rotten personalities shine through but… I want to cry if that is people's first impression of me. At this point IDK if my dysmorphia is real or if I am truly seeing an ugly person in a mirror. I feel like I really do accurately judge myself and I just wanna never go outside again.
Thanks nonas. Tbh I haven't tried therapy much beyond my uni's services and all 4 attempts were disappointing bc they kept trying to make me talk the whole time. I'm still open to trying it, but maybe later bc I'm tired of re-explaining my lore when they won't even give me homework. I think I'll try CBT worksheets on my own or something.>>325346
Please unfollow every social media account that talks about shit like "angel skull vs witch skull" because the terms alone sound sociopathic and obviously biased. Also the overwhelming majority of people look just fine on their own and use clothes/makeup to highlight their strong points. Highlight what you like about yourself, don't try to make up for every ""weak point"". Don't let a bunch of PS monsters and wannabe anachans dupe you into thinking you need to resemble the average Disney 3d princess's face rig to be attractive and charismatic. And ngl even with pervasive beauty standards, there are plenty of people who just like what they like. Hooked downturned noses look absolutely regal to me. Those small upturned noses could NOT be more bland. Cut your negative thought spirals short and restrict beauty content for like 6 months, I think that'd help reduce intensity/frequency/duration of this baseless insecurity. You are perfectly fine and lovely as you are.
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Nonna, you're so sweet. Thank you for your kind words. I'm >>325346
. I just can't shake that horrible feeling of being judged for my features. I was always "the ugly cousin" and my really pretty aunts and aunties used to say stuff either blatantly behind my back or barbed comments in front of my face. It sucks to be somebody's absolute worst scenario, you know? I'm not living in my country anymore, but hah, unconventional beauty isn't a thing there. You're either a model or you're ugly, fat, so on so on. There is no nice middle ground where people are appreciated for their god features or when their personality brightens their face. I will try, nonna, 'cause your words and compassion inspire me. It's so hard, though, when I'm always the unappealing standard people around me have compared themselves to. I really will try. Thank you nonna. Thank you for cheering me on.
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nayrt, I think this is what's being referenced
The older I get the more I drift away from everything. I always looked forward to becoming an adult because I had this idealistic view of what adulthood was like but I have been proven very wrong. At this point I don't know what's left to look forward to.
I had a lot of delays as a child, I was diagnosed with autism, and I struggled. But at least in elementary school and middle school there were some commonalities between myself and my peers.
Now I feel like there are none. I don't relate to any of their experiences. I still don't "understand" why people engage in drugs, sex, or romantic relationships; I know why they do it, but I can't apply their thinking to my own mind. It doesn't make sense and I can't relate. Similarly, I don't like or care about any animals. I don't have social media or even carry my phone outside of the house unless I'm on a long trip. I don't consume any fiction (tv, movies, novels) and I never know anything that's happening (unless it's politics, which I follow loosely). I don't enjoy spending time with people or talking to them and more than half of my days I avoid talking to anybody at all, irl or digitally, besides very basic formalities like ordering coffee or greeting a coworker or professor or something.
I honestly would just accept my fate on this, because there have always been autists and someone's gotta do it, except for the fact that I feel my career and life prospects being increasingly constricted by tech developments, etc. Not to be a doomer, or paranoid, but my only appealing asset is my machinelike work ethic and I think soon there won't be much use to having a "machinelike" human, I think my potential employers would rather just take the machine, lol. So that idea of how I was going to spend my life feels somewhat dead.
I have absolutely no idea where I fit within the fabric of society except as a stray end to trim off or something. And I don't think I am well suited to the approaching utopia (if that really is what's coming).
Above all I want companionship and love like anyone else. And I have a few online friends especially one who I love. But I have a lot of life left allegedly and no idea how I am going to spend it.
Sorry for this retarded post, I just needed to get this out somehow.
I think I'm drawn to ppl who are inflammatory that I mistake as fun. My last few friendships have exploded out of literal fucking nothing and an acquaintance just did the same too. I definitely have communication problems but that's for serious emotional shit, not what caused their blowups.
Do I just latch onto ppl that I think seem boring next time? I have to make having online friends way less convenient for sure, so maybe that's just the full answer, but shit, JUST that can't be it, right?>>326297
Maybe you can call her just to chat and warm up to each other again. Also to scope out the situation in more detail from her. On the 2nd call you can try to bring up your concerns tactfully. But my advice might be shit since my 1/3rd of my friendships explode.
I feel you on the machine-like thing, all my skills and things I enjoy doing are in that area too and whenever I try to learn something new so that I won’t be stuck in shitty jobs forever it seems that thing will be obsolete soon. And I don’t like the vision of the techbro “utopia” either, I think we should return to nature and use tech tools to help us, not fall deeper into the virtual world.
Anyways I think the feeling of being behind is very common in our twenties, I’ve talked to friends who I admire because they seem to have it all together but they feel like they’re behind too. While trying to figure everything out we can be blind to our own progress.
As for people, you don’t need to talk to someone every day if you want companionship and close friendships, but there just needs to be steady contact and something you have in common. You talked a lot about the things you don’t like doing that set you apart, but what do you enjoy doing? I found the easiest way to make new friends outside of work and school as an adult is to events related to a hobby or interest, and find people there. Especially if it’s activity based it’s easier to start conversations. There are plenty of people who also don’t get partying and drugs and all that stuff, and you don’t need to have everything in common. It’s enough that you have a few things to talk about and an activity to do together.
Most of all it’s important to do the things you enjoy in life without worrying about how different or “behind” you are.
This is probably not the advice you’re looking for but >I don’t relate to any of their experiences
Not discounting that this is more difficult for someone with autism, but it’s not like neurotypicals relate to each other about everything 100% of the time. It’s possible to get along even if you don’t have everything in common. Your brain loses neuroplasticity with age tho, so the older you get the harder it will be to change your patterns of thinking.
I have a female friend on the spectrum. She used to struggle socially but was into sewing and history and eventually she found a community of likeminded weirdos who were into making replicas of historical clothing. She is one of the most interesting and talented people I know, a modern-day renaissance woman. She’s in her 30s now and still have never had a romantic relationship as far as I know, but I think between her professional job and multitude of practical hobbies she’d doing alright. She doesn’t go around announcing her aspergers, but just owns her eccentricities. I think finding a hobby you are passionate about can help bridge the gap when you struggle socially.
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I really want to start a ranting/drama youtube channel a la LeafyIsHere or Cr1tikal. There are so many moids who have channels like that who are making bank just stating their stupid opinions about stupid shit and people love it. There aren't many (if any) female creators who make stupid content like that because it is just a creatively corrupt thing to do. So i am really on the fence about it if i should do it. I always whine how there aren't enough female creators who get involved in drama stuff on youtube, and because it is overrun by moids we get the same kinds of takes on everything. I also know that i will be good at it because i stream sometimes and people like to hear me rant because i am very passionate about my opinions. I never use my face on the internet cause of anonymity reasons and also because i am sick and tired of this whole "selfie era", so i will carry my entire channel with my rants alone. I already have 2 other channels that are growing pretty steadily, but i sometimes just want to vent about stupid takes online scrotes are making about other youtubers, female celebrities, and whatever other drama they get involved with. We need more female voices.
So, my question is: should i do this? Or will it be a bad idea?
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Samefag, not a proper update, but I saw him yesterday. It was not good. He was on the same carriage as me (I didn't even know he was on my train) but he got off at the stop before our usual one which really freaked me out, I'm so paranoid that he thinks I'm a weirdo or that I just have something off putting about me. I took it really personally and to make a long story short, once I got to my stop I had a anxiety attack in the bathroom kek, only to come out to him getting off the train that just pulled up. I have no clue why he'd get off the train to then get on a different train that arrives not even 5 mins later? It sucks bc I was doing good building up the courage to speak to him (kinda). I know it's probably me overthinking or maybe it's my autism freaking over him breaking the routine, worst thing is that I have less time than I thought I did until the end of the year. I am really praying my anxiety calms down and I can approach him, I've felt so sick since this, I wish I wasn't this socially/mentally inept kek
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Nonnies how do I deal with intense heartbreak? I recently got dumped and I've been depressed ever since. I'm not hungry, can't concentrate and I either sleep too much or too little and I always feel like crying. I know it's dumb to cry over a moid who doesn't want me anymore, but I can't stop thinking about the times he heavily pursued and courted me and how nice it was and how happy I felt and I can't stop thinking about where it all went wrong. I'm an introvert and I barely have any friends and the ones I do have are all in relationships, so it makes me feel like I'm the odd one out who is just unloveable. I know I should go out and socialise but I just feel like a sad puddle.
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>>327407> I know it's dumb to cry over a moid who doesn't want me anymore, but I can't stop thinking about the times he heavily pursued and courted me and how nice it was and how happy I felt and I can't stop thinking about where it all went wrong.
These feelings will become less intense over time and will probably go away completely at some point especially considering you don't seem to have even liked the moid apart from his attention>I'm an introvert and I barely have any friends and the ones I do have are all in relationships, so it makes me feel like I'm the odd one out who is just unloveable.
This will probably never change even if/when you find someone new; you will still be you, and introverted, and sometimes you will feel different from everyone else. This is human condition stuff, there’s no fixing it. Many introverts do however get relationships and also get married; this actually is not related at all to your break up or future relationships. >how do I deal with intense heartbreak?
Its an injury like any other kind; the pain isn't going to vanish according to some set schedule; some injuries take longer to heal and some never do, but barring some really strong trauma even those chronic hurts usually turn into something like tinnitus; always there and annoying, especially when you are alone and by yourself, but usually you won’t even notice it, and there are easy and effective coping strategies: for instance, turning on some light music. Eventually this pain will become something you can tune out like tinnitus, and eventually it will probably go away altogether.
So how to get better SOON?
1. get off the internet or at least this part of the internet and places like it
this is a board whose main purpose is to celebrate and catalog the downfall of deluded people and to curse every single one of them that isn't broke, humiliated, and alone already. That kind of negativity will not heal you. You're asking for support from people that are essentially un-supportive and actively so. Also if you believe in karma, you aren’t doing yourself any favors by being here and lending your silent approval to this place and what it stands for.
Furthermore you have to ask yourself what kind of person gives advice to strangers on the internet. Seriously. Look at me, I'm doing it and even I know its a bad idea.
2. healthy distractions. They have to be healthy and they have to actually take your mind off the problem, obviously, since otherwise they will make things worse and/or not distract you. Healthy distraction will provide relief and mask the pain while not making things worse, so theoretically you should heal naturally. Unhealthy distractions do a good job of erasing the memory (at least sometimes) but they do so much damage by themselves they’re mostly not worth it. That said, most people indulge in something, whether its alcohol or food or whatever, just don’t let it take over, better yet if you can just abstain from them all together.
3. face the problem head on through your choice of religion and/or therapy. I’d spoil it for you and say therapy is full of crap but ultimately everyone has to find that out for themselves.
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I really want to stop using social media but I work in an industry where it's pretty much a requirement and I have to be a public figure of sorts. What are some things that can help to keep it to an absolute bare minimum? It makes me feel awful because I'm detrans and I can't bear seeing the misinformative shit people (especially handmaiden friends) share or violent stuff from strangers. I just don't wanna be on social media anymore.
I also don't know if, as a "public figure", I should disclose that I'm detrans. I don't want it to be my personality but I was groomed into medical transition as a minor and after 5+ years & titchop I peaked hard. It inspires a lot of my art as catharsis because this is an incredibly painful situation where I'm full of resentment, anger, grief, all this shit, and a few friends in the scene know and love me all the same, I just don't know if that's something I should say in interviews or whatever. I don't wanna be used by the right nor the left to serve agendas nor do I want strangers to assume anything (I'm gonna have to be crypto anyway). Having to hide really upsets me but thinking of being open about it sounds really stressful.
Tell me if this is best suited for another thread though.>>327407>>327414
words it better than I could, but I like the part where she mentions treating it like an injury. It takes time. It's normal, especially if you're sensitive, to be at times very depressed for a length of time upon heartbreak, and all the other factors you mentioned certainly don't help. I've been there, staying in bed for days on end crying and barely eating, it felt like nothing was ever possibly going to get better, and it took a few months but eventually that injury does heal. I'm technically not "over" a moid I had a thing with 9 months ago, it was really tough on me at the time but after a while I just had to be elsewhere emotionally. He's still a fond memory and if he talked to me again I'd welcome it, but you can't just let people (especially moids) take up too much space in your head for too long.
You know going out and socialising will help - don't force it yet, go when you think you can do a little.
The part about healthy distractions, I can't stress enough. Keeping busy lately is my main thing when a situation is shitting up my life. I used to turn to drugs and alcohol to distract myself, but it only delays and furthers the pain. So if you need to bake bread, read lcf to laugh, get really into something niche, listen to a record until you can't hear it, so be it, really. I know it's cliché as hell but the only way out is through.
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I got my belly button pierced in October, I cleaned it everyday and it seemed like the healing was going well, it got infected from time to time but it went away. Some weeks ago I lost a tool on my belly button piercing, and ever since then it’s been all fucked up. I’m starting to think it’s rejecting, but I don’t want to believe it. What do you guys think pls help!
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I was also exactly like you nona. My breakup was more than a year ago, am also introverted with little friends, and never had any relationship prior to this. What I missed the most is how much my ex used to make me feel, the closeness we once shared, and the good times we used to have. The advice that the other two anons gave you is really good. One thing I'd like to add is to not be alone in your room as much as possible, because that's one way that you will spiral. Keep yourself distracted any way you can whether that's spending time with family and friends, going out to new places, or picking up a new hobby. It's also okay to cry in appropriate times, and it might even help make you feel better to get it out of your system. I cried so much over my breakup that now, I don't have any tears left to shed anymore. You will be going through the five stages of grief as you heal from a breakup. It won't be perfectly linear and you might revisit a some stages a couple of times throughout the process, but going through this is important for healing. Eventually you will arrive at what I would call a "dwelling" stage, when you're able to reminisce the good parts of the past relationship without feeling extremely devastated over it. I still feel sad and regret over my breakup, and I think I'll always will, but I don't breakdown crying as much as I used to, and it gets easier to handle those emotions that once used to be so crippling.
Ex boyfriend is jealous of current boyfriend. Ex and me have been friends before and after the 3 weeks we were 'together' lol, it was pretty much fine but all of the sudden he's completely rude to me for no reason. Should I just drop him? I'm his only friend but I can see why he doesn't have any others, he gets insulted by the smallest of things and never speaks to anyone in that circle again. Should I just be cruel and not talk to him anymore?>>327467
Try salt water, my nose piercings both had bumps on them and after 2 weeks of salt water it was completely gone. Have had no issues after that, be sure it doesn't have iodine in it though.
Thanks nonna. It feels mean to leave him alone like that but honestly I don't want to see him anymore, it's such a strain and at this point we're just 'friends' out of pity. But that's gone. I'll just ignore him and say I'm busy if he calls kek. Maybe he'll learn a lesson or two, probably not but I'm not his babysitter. He's 22 and acts like a 14 year old, figure it out man. I thought he was nice beneath it all but I was dead wrong, he's bitter as fuck. He said my hair was thin and he could almost see bald spots just out of nowhere, said my makeup was something 'men don't like', dropped out of school at 14, conspiracy theorist, always asking out girls from the grocery store who reject him, says all music besides metal is 'shit'. This isn't even all, he could have a whole thread on here if he had an internet presence kek.
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How do I reintegrate into society? I just got into my top school and i'll be moving into dorms in the fall. thing is, I haven't had any friends for 5ish years. i've had a pretty traumatic home situation that left me very isolated. I'm out of that situation now but i barely leave the house. i do really want to make friends and meet people but i'm worried that i won't find any real connection (or ill just stop trying). i've been told many times i come across as much older than i am so even though i'd be the same age as everyone else i'm also worried abt a maturity gap. from what I can tell my social skills are okay, i'm mostly worried about losing interest in people because i can't connect to them. are there any ex-neet nonnas that relate? how do i find people i want to talk to & start friendships? is there any hope?
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Tips for navigating fandom spaces as a TERF? Though I don't intend to pick fights (picrel), I won't hide my feminism or go along with gender nonsense either. I can't see this being much of a problem because I don't want to befriend trannies anyway— why invite that sort of mental illness into my life?— but I'm still worried about optics, getting blacklisted, scaring away fencesitters, etc.. Are there specific things I should avoid saying or doing? Should I put my content out into the world without interacting much with others and just let people come to me? Or is it best to relentlessly search for and pursue the sane-seeming women? How can I hint at my beliefs (especially early on in a conversation) without scaring people away? Or is it best to be totally honest and upfront and literally declare myself as a radfem so nobody wastes their time? Maybe I'm overthinking this. Any input is appreciated.
You can't simultaneously want to terf
out on fandom accounts and also be scared of being blacklisted or called out, that makes no sense. They absolutely will do that to you immediately. Just don't bring up tranny topics and don't engage with tranny fandom content and if people try to talk to you about gender hc nonsense just act very disinterested. And put (age)F in your social media bios instead of she/her like everyone else. That's how you do fandom as a terf
there's hope for you, nona! i'm going to write from my own experience being in dorms of several other girls, hope thats okay!
the good thing is that you're in dorms, so you have a lot of opportunities to make friends/get friendly with your flatmates.
i think you'd be surprised at how far some nice manners and casual small talk will take you. i've lived in dorms before and it always helped to ask questions like, how was your day? how are you finding your course? etc etc. if you're in the type of dorms where you cook, you could make extra food and offer it to your flatmate saying you made too much. if you're in catered dorms, you could say, "hey, i'm heading to the dining hall, wanna join me?" you will have a lot of opportunities to meet new people, nona, don't worry.
as for maintaining friendships, a good rule of thing in college is that almost everyone seems boring in your first conversation with them, lol. it's college, everyone's nervous and eager to make new friends, but since no one knows anything about each other the conversations are usually a bit stilted and awkward. just keep at it, eventually you'll find people who interest you!
i also would really recommend you join at least one club if your school has them. they helped me to settle in and get that social interactions without going crazy.
it'll probably be exhausting at first to go from seeing no one to socialising with lots of people. learn to expect and be prepared for that. it's okay to take a night for yourself but don't give up on finding friends.
enjoy your studies and congrats on getting into that school, nona, i'm rooting for you!
; my interview went well, I think my main issue is how I carry on in the meantime/while waiting for a new job to come through
There isn't a single bit of female solidarity in this friendship jfc. One chick's fiancé doesn't like you, so much so that he feels comfortable enough to talk shit to your face–and constantly gets away with it with 0 consequences–and the other is friends with a sex pest who has harassed you. What the actual fuck, nonna?
Continue to ghost or don't, but in my opinion these girls haven't been especially good friends to you, if this is how they treat you and your shared friendship. Good riddance.
If you aren't already working in something care-related, volunteering might help bring you some fulfilment if you have the time. It might get you out talking to people and it's less commitment than work.
If you are working in something related to caring for people, some time off to do something you enjoy and think about your options might be better because empathy burnout
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My best friend is addicted to cocaine. I have issues with other things myself but where she's at is much more dangerous than where I am. I don't know what to do anymore. I've offered to go with her to an anonymous care center for addicts but she ignores my messages when I do. We've been seeing each other less and she turns down my offers to hang out more often. I'm so worried nonnas, her roommates don't give a shit and they would absolutely never notice her ODing soon enough. I know it's not my job to save her and that you can lead a horse to water and everything, but I'm at a loss as to what I could do to help. I wish her money could go towards getting food together like before and having fun instead of being locked in doing drugs.
What can I do?
seconding family anon
I experimented w more drugs than I can count, but I am not an addict so I had no problem stopping when my experimentation started triggering
my genetic bipolar tendencies
best you can do is contact the family, I'm babysitting a recovering addict moid these days and they're very annoying to deal with, don't seem to be capable of change
I don't think you should reconnect with him, but on the other hand you should be aware that you will slowly lose your relationship with your family if you stay away from them because of him. ideally you would find a way to spend time with them that doesn't involve him. this is honestly his fault, not yours. you're doing a really reasonable thing by staying away from someone who was a piece of shit to you. if anything it's on him to apologize to you and then from there you can begin to think about forgiveness. maybe you can phrase it that way to him and your mom.
I stayed away from my family for 15 years due to my father being a psychotic abusive
manipulative molester. my dad finally died but at that point I didn't have a relationship with the rest of my family anymore. I don't regret it but it is sad that I don't have any family relationships to speak of (they weren't strong bonds to start with which is part of why I don't regret it, but if your bonds with the rest of your family are important to you just be aware that total distancing will damage them.)
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How do I find inspiration? what sometimes inspires me is travelling or going to a spa with a sauna to reflect on my life but I know that's impossible to do right now with my situation. I guess I could just treat and relax myself with baths and going out for walks locally but I always have the stress of what's going on in my life while doing it.
I had an argument with my mother about finances and my life, I still live with them but I am currently unemployed. This is when my mother brought up about finding inspiration in my budget to stop me from being so negative I guess. I have been trying to find a job but when I have interviews I'm not showing any passion or interest in the company. This is mainly because of how I got treated in my last two jobs that I got terminated from.
I honestly think my mom is getting tired of me being so negative and wanting to spend the little money I have made from selling stuff on skincare and makeup on huge sales… Dont get me wrong, I am also saving 2/3 of the money I get each month and paying bills and money I owe my mom with the last 1/3 of my pay but I'm worrying about not being able to do much with the money I am trying to make while being unemployed.
>>329771>Fixes my sleep schedule right up and makes my brain feel good.
your experience sounds amazing and I honestly need this, for the last few weeks my sleep schedule has been fucked, staying awake until 5am every night and not waking up until noon, its not good but im so glued to my phone and devices.>Just a deep fear a bear would eat me or I’d get accosted by a woodland moid or something random lmao.
It's exactly this that I am worrying about but yeah I will probably do some research on best private locations once I get used to it, wouldn't want to put myself in danger.>I took a dip in a cold ass river last week and it was exhilarating, actually that my favorite thing to do while camping.
I might have to try this, dipping in the sea is one of my favourite things to do when I go to the beach, I'm guessing dipping into a river like that but with fast moving water. Also weren't you worried about being washed away?
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Oh no not at all. It was a pretty small river, more of a creek but it was a river in name. Lots of still pools with little fast bottlenecks that were no big deal. Here’s a pic, I was in North Carolina
Anons, what would you do in my situation?
My brother has a dog he doesn't care for, so I took over and am doi g most of the work. However the dog is old (13), reactive (aka lunges, bites at the triggers and likes to escape from the yard (humans, other dogs, cats etc)) so he's constantly on a long chain. I do my best to take care of him and towards us he acts like a normal dog and is super sweet.
Now, my pos brother wants to move out and leave the dog with us (me and my mother). My mother can't handle him because she's old and too weak and I'd like to move out, or be able to go out, or at least fucking stay somewhere for longer than a day. But I can't if the dog is unsupervised. She can't do ot alone.
I'm having a bit of a meltdown because my life has been on pause for YEARS because of this dog and it's not the poor things fault, but my brothers. I troed talking to him multiple times but he's a fucking spoiled selfish manchild and even when he says he'll do something, he just doesn't because there are no real consequences for him. I want to break his fucking kneecaps for the shit he's putting me through with this animal but it's not legal.
I thought about rehomeing the dog but due to his age and bite history it's not really possible. And since he's healthy no vet would put him down (as ugly as it is to even consider this). A shelter would just be cruel and even worse that being here.
I'm so tired of having to plan my entire life around a dog I never wanted and missing out on so much of life. I'm almost 30 and I'm just tired, I want to live and secure my own life and independence but I can't unless I'll risk getting someone else hurt or abusing an animal.
Like what the fuck do I do?
Find a non-shelter home for him. Also >>329868
Honestly this is really sad but I considered her my best friend. I don’t think I’m her best friend which is even more pathetic lol. I talked to my sister about this and she said that it’s the curse of online friendships. I need to make friends IRL.>>329813
Tbh ever since I mentioned the gift thing I’m realizing how terrible she is. My friend actually used to talk shit about our other friends and I’m lowkey wondering if she dislikes me as well and this might be a thing she would tell someone else. I could see her bragging to someone else like > this bitch sent me $100 worth of gifts and I don’t even know her birthday LMFAO
because that is definitely something she would say.
Life doesn't end at 30 Nona. I was in a similar situation where I was in an abusive
relationship for a lot of my 20s and spent a few years hiding and getting back to normal after. I moved to a new city and had to make all new friends. I agree it's tough at first with new friends but over time you build up that history and it turns out ok. But you do have to go outside your comfort zone to start with. Find a hobby that you enjoy and join some groups. I personally found it really helpful to make friends with older women (I'm 35 now and one of my closest friends is 70! She is awesome and taught me that women don't expire when we hit 30/get married/have kids)
You will never get that time back but there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. I had a lot of anger about this but therapy really helped me come to terms with it and accept the past. 28 is SO YOUNG, you need to change your perspective and stop worrying about what society expects of you, you're doing great!
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I'm engaged to my partner and his dad and girlfriend have never liked me. I've always been treated badly by them, despite my partner standing up for me every time. His relationship with his dad is very rocky already due to his dad dating his girlfriend only a year after his mom passed. Their relationship is worse now because they don't like me and refuse to get to know me.
At one point, I thought things got better because they started to include me in family things, but now I'm not invited until the last minute because they know my partner won't go without me. When I am invited, I'm ignored and never included.
I don't care to be included because his dad is racist and sexist, but it pisses me off that he won't at least talk to me when he has to. He will just ask my partner and even when told that he should ask me, he won't. I just started a new job and he has done everything he can to talk to my partner about MY job instead of me. They don't even know we're engaged yet because we know they will try to talk him out of it or possibly become even bigger assholes to me.
How can I stop letting this shit bother me?
I think I am too. It’s a good thing I’m going back to my own country soon so I don’t fall. Though I have plans to visit him and vice versa in the somewhat far future (we’re heavier on the friendship than the benefits.)
If you’re seriously trying not to fall, which I recommend, start to distance yourself. or just cut off benefits and see how he reacts.
>>330033>where it's still acceptable to be traveling and floating around and having expensive hobbies.
Since when is your 20s the time for expensive hobbies? That's the domain of older people, most 20 year olds can't afford that shit at all. Traveling is something you should hope to do as much as possible all throughout your life, at least when you're older you won't have to stay at dirty hostels.
The older I get, the more money I have, the more I travel and spend on my hobbies. Otherwise I feel no different over 30 to how I did at 28. 30 is a completely arbitrary age to pinpoint as being too old for anything. Unless you refuse to take care of yourself, you'll look the same and still feel healthy and energetic.
I wouldn't mention virginity or past partners early into a relationship whether you're a virgin or someone who's slept with 100 men/women. Men tend to have prejudices towards both groups and both of the prejudices are goingto affect your possible relationship negatively.
Though I'd recommend not being with someone who's into casual sex if you're not into it either. Also any guy who goes for younger girls or virgins is a redflag and probably sucks in bed/has a tiny dick/ has severe issues that means normal women avoid him and he has to trick unexperienced women.
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How do I cope with being ugly? I always thought I was ugly because I was fat, but I lost all the weight and was still ugly. I paid thousands of dollars for plastic surgery to fix the flaws I thought made me ugly but I am still ugly afterwards. It just dawned on me today that I look like my dad in a dress basically and just have shitty genetics that can't be fixed no matter what I do. I keep thinking if I lose 20 more pounds or get this or that done I will finally be pretty, but I think I just have to come to terms with being ugly. How do I do this? I hate myself so much and every time I see a pretty woman outside I want to die cause I will never be her.
I don't have BDD. I'm just ugly. I have a fat face with saggy plump cheeks and a double chin despite being normal weight. I have a big nose with uneven nostrils, uneven small eyes, hooded eyelids and epicanthic folds despite not being asian so it doesn't fit my appearance at all, basically no eyelashes, thin lips, small mouth with downturned corners like a bulldog, blotchy pimply skin even after taking accutane for years which means I have to cake my face in make-up every day and to top it off I have a wrinkly fat neck and a buffalo hump. I don't need anyone to gaslight me about this shit when I have eyeballs.
I just want to learn how to cope with being a goblin for the rest of my life. Its only going to get worse as I age.
That’s not how BDD works. It doesn’t only make you think you’re hot…I mean, it can do that but most of the time it makes you think you’re ugly.
My suggestion if you don’t want to do therapy (I can relate) is to create beauty outside yourself. A garden, a quilt, a photo, whatever just pick up a nice hobby that you think is pretty. Focusing on yourself is making you miserable. The things you’re trying aren’t working. Focus on something else and shove these negative feelings about yourself way way deep down inside and never look at them until they turn to dust in the back of your mind. When you get old it’s actually gonna get better because it will matter less and less what you look like and more and more what you’ve made or done. Find a new ultimate goal to obsess over that isn’t your own beauty, you will probably make great progress (you’re dedicated enough to get surgery and everything else you’ve done to yourself, apply that energy elsewhere.)
If you’re just not a creative person then maybe you can do something physical with your body to make yourself hate it less. Like train yourself to run a marathon. Very doable, focuses on function of your body instead of appearance, can help heal some self-image issues because you start to value your athletic ability over your prettiness. Plus exercise gives you endorphins.
I empathise with you nonna but especially on this part>I have a wrinkly fat neck and a buffalo hump
I have both of these (don't know if it's just posture or because Im overweight) and a good way to reduce your hump is by weight training, specifically your upper body e.g shoulders and back. A buffalo hump can be genetic for sure but even then it's probably down to excess body fat. Lifting weights improved mine, I hope this might help you.
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Getting hot was the worst thing I have ever done…. Earlier I used to think that the deep void I always felt was because of being ugly… having no social life,crippling anxiety,being riddled with insecurity was all because of being ugly. Literally all I looked forward to and fantasied about was being hot…slowly I achieved that people constantly now tell me that I am pretty and hot but that didn’t fix anything at all. I am still insecure and anxiety riddled ,have even harder time making friends because girls view me as a treat or are downright bitchy to me. I such a insecure people pleasing rat and still can’t get women to trust me. It’s just so hard. Also I discovered that male validation is the cheapest most empty thing in this world.
My new boyfriend is a part-time DJ. I’ve noticed that some of his upcoming gigs feature pole-dancers as entertainment, even one event that is supposed to be a romantic couples event.
I’m pissed off because I believe pole-dancing is single men’s entertainment, and belongs in strip clubs, not at mixed-gender events where the women need to awkwardly sit through some near-naked chick opening her legs on stage. I’m sure some women are ok with it, but also I’m sure I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to look at barely-covered tits and pussy at a music event, and doesn’t feel comfortable with my partner looking at it either.
How different it would be if they brought male pole-dancers or strippers out on stage, the men would be so jealous, uncomfortable, and upset.
I guess I need to discuss this with him, cos it’s bothering me, but I’m really sure how to approach it. I won’t ask him to stop accepting these gigs, I just want to explain that I think it’s inappropriate, and disrespectful to the women in attendance, and that I’m not ok with it if he watches these performances.
Feels. I was a tall chubby autismo with bad hair and skin in high school. After puberty I lost most of my baby fat and my hair evened out, and once I was away from my high school bullies I became way more outgoing and confident.
I feel great about my appearance now, but it’s noticeably changed the way other people treat me. I still battle the need for moid attention that I was denied in HS, and now I find it hard to tell when people are being genuine with me. I’ve had to change the way I act around moids because apparently when fat girls are chatty they’re friendly but when pretty girls are chatty they’re flirting by with you. I miss being able to just fade into the background. People never used to look at me twice but now I get people stopping me to tell me I’m pretty, which sounds nice but just makes me hyper vigilant. Also I hate how much more eager people are to interact with me than they were before. The girl I used to look like deserved your niceties too.
He’s not a big club DJ, I’ve seen loads of photos and videos from his events and most of them have not featured scantily-clad dancers, which I’m actually ok with. What I’m not ok with is a woman wearing string and humping a pole like a dog, and female attendees being expected to enjoy or be comfortable with this.
It’s so hard to explain this shit to men, they just can’t imagine how they would feel if it was the other way around.
Update : it was really nice, playing cards was real fun and there was no blank
At some point, after she told me about her dead cat, we spoke about grief and I brought up one of my friends died recently (and how it felt super weird) and she started throwing bread frantically in the lake lol
I could feel she was awkward so I asked her "so.. you planning on getting any new cats?" and she stopped immediately and started showing me pics of her new kitten for the next hour
super cute lmao I really had a great time
I have a friend who always copies or tries to copy things I do/like so some time ago my friends kept pushing me to apply for modelling and after some time I thought about it and told my friends I’d apply to some agencies this summer, my friend then a couple days later told me that since she’s short on money she would apply to modelling too, I got pissed.
This friend of mines has been copying things I do a lot, one day I wore a black dress which was too short on accident and I wore flared leggings underneath Bcus I always wear them under my long skirts and I didn’t realise how obvious it was that the skirt was too short but ppl could see my flares, and the next couple of days I kept wearing the same thing Cus I thought it looked cute, everyone around was telling me how funny I looked but I couldn’t care less, the my so called friend rocked up with the same fit,
She always talks about how I “inspire her” and always copied the things I wear (even the smallest things), she also gets weirdly close to my friends that I introduce her to, especially those who are very involved with well know social groups. She always updates me on what they’re doing making it seem as if I don’t fucking know and that she’s closer to them.. it’s so fucking odd
She then slowly started to copy things about personality, I really like this band called. A Tribe Called Quest since I talk about them a lot and kinda made them my whole personality, she started to post about them too. Although she doesn’t even listen to their songs I understand giving stuff a new try but she didn’t seem to be posting about them long enough to be interested in them. I also major in creatives which is kinda my forte and I often help my friends with creative projects or give them insights into my own but then slowly she also attempted to act interested in it and even had friend copying my work, she quit now but it was kinda weird? She then tried to copy my whole WHOLE tumblr page which she gave in im two days Bcus she realised how much effort she’d have to put into it to get up to my level.
we were in the same class and she never ever looked or listened to what the teacher said, she always watched me and copied what I wrote even in exams, it was really uncomfortable.
I had a issue with this guy who I liked at one point and when I told her this, every time we spoke about him she would always bring up this one time he tried to unzip her jacket, since I knew his antics I told her he probably liked her but after a couple of months he confessed to me in a cryptic rapist way. I held back from telling her but after a few months I ended up telling her Cus we were friends. She’s a lot prettier than me and has a cute charm and a soft voice (she always talks about this voice of hers and says the fact that she looks innocent is the reason as to why guys approach her, I told her she kinda sounded like them typical pick me’s to which she got really angry about, idk if o was rude but she always says this and it kinda just slipped out) idk if it hurt her pride but every time I brought up the weird things he said/did to me she would always bring up these romantic-esque incidents she had with him…
There was this other incident with this other guy I liked, he was an aspiring Olympic athlete who I really liked speaking to. We stopped speaking and he eventually ended up at the same school! I always noticed he staring and even my friends clocked onto it but the thing is, none of my friends mentioned how he was staring at us as a group but was specifically staring at me. When I told them about how I knew him my so called friend the next day started to constantly speak about how he always was staring at her too! :D sigh..
This was probably the last straw but I kept banging on about how I would get a lip piercing and after like a few days she started to say the same thing too!! :D and the day after she got a fake one! :D the thing is I usually procrastinate my body mods Cus I’m scared but now I feel like I’m in a race to prove that she’s always fucking copying me. It’s so frustrating I honestly feel like I need to prove that this bitch is a leech! I just started to get comfortable in my skin and ik I’m not as attractive as her but my personality and practices I hold with pride for someone to keep copying it and watch’s my every move is freaky and makes me uncomfortable
I am over thinking it Bcus I do want to confront her but she can easily refute it all..
Ahh sorry about the emojis,
We’re part of a friend group and tbh everyone really likes her, we’re the “closest” it seems to everyone but that’s only because she’s always up my ass when I want to be alone/ walk alone. She also has the reputation of being a kind girl who ppl let their angry out on for no reason (Cus she blurts out peoples deeps secrets that they trusted with her Cus of how nice they thought she was) so comforting her about all this is just going to make me seem like the dickhead
You sound really young so maybe you just haven't gotten to this realization yet but none of that matters. It doesn't matter if she copies you. Just keep doing the normal stuff you like. You're not in a race. You don't have to confront or expose her. Probably other people notice she does this but it doesn't really matter. The tumblr page thing is hilarious though.
If you are actually friends with her at all you could offer to style her some outfits or create a moodboard/inspo album just for her, on the off chance she is just painfully unoriginal and doesn't know how to have taste without copying.