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Ask for advice on any topic!
Previous thread: >>>/g/176526
I graduated high school and turned eighteen some months ago. We don't have a lot of money and many benefits no longer apply to our household now that I am a legal adult. I have a lot of mental health and general health problems that I am trying to heal from partially through improving my diet. However, this is rather costly, as I avoid processed and cheap foods like cookies, pasta, supermarket meat, and so forth. Unfortunately my mother is very unhappy with me turning eighteen and cannot afford to pay for food for the both of us. I manage to eat along with her a little bit sometimes but the foods she prepares make me sick (health problems) and often don't suffice to properly fill me. I am trying to get a job so I can buy my own food and fix my diet. It has been very difficult in general. Not only because I do not have enough money to eat well, but also because I struggle with appetite and bingeing and purging in general. I have very little energy and feel unwell easily. This makes it difficult for me to undertake the things I want, for instance for university. I struggle just reading books and doing things because I am very hungry and weak. Aside from that, not eating exacerbates my mental health problems. But a lot of foods my body simply cannot take anymore since I have been improving my diet as well. It is a bit confusing and complex but overall I just feel lost. I have university deadlines I have to meet (applications) but for the time being I think I simply need to focus on making money so I can buy food. I just feel so lost and alone and as if nobody understands me. Doctors only recommend medicine or talk therapy and although the latter might help, it will not solve my physical issues. Medicine does not solve them either, it only addresses symptoms. I feel very lonely and am not sure of what to do. Maybe I am missing something? What would you advise me?
My advice would be to try to locate or access a free counsellor
/helpline/etc to help with your mental health. If you live in a country with some level of free healthcare there will have to be something, though the wait will be long. Once you enter university you’ll have access to free or cheap mental health services. I am speaking as a Canadian so not sure where you are from and how it is there. You might be able to find someone to text or talk to online via some sort of mental health hotline.
What do you eat on a daily basis? And are you at a healthy weight? It is absolutely possible to eat cheap and healthy - rice, beans, frozen seafood, frozen veggies, etc
Depends on what you intend to gain from the hospitalisation.
Psych hospitals are good for>putting your life on momentary hold>documenting (legally) that there is something wrong with you>removing yourself from a dangerous environment… but they WILL make you go back
Psych hospitals also>forcefully medicate you. Psychiatric drugs are generally harmful, especially to women, and you won't have any way to do your own research, much less a choice in taking them>isolate and imprison you. If you stay longer than a week and don't go outside, you'll be more insane than when you arrived>expose you to dangerous people and scary situations. Lots of people in there are legitimately crazy and may hurt you. You may witness violence and harassment against others. You are especially at risk if you end up in a mixed sex ward— and you will have no control over the decision to house you with violent males>constantly monitor you. Good for security purposes, painful for the paranoid schizophrenic. >overcharge you. A 72 hour hold costs thousands of dollars>make you wish you never came
I once made the mistake of institutionalising myself because I thought maybe the doctors would help me. I was in the best hospital in the state! Yet they did nothing for me. My condition actively deteriorated under their care and I would rather die than go back to ANY mental institution.
When you go on to work in different places you'll find that this just happens nearly everywhere. Not everyone will like you and you shouldn't obsess over it or change your style to somehow make them like you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with appearances and its hard to describe why you just don't mesh with a certain person.
You have friends already, you're doing fine in that regard. Work on worrying less about everyone liking you. There will always be people who just don't take to you. Don't overthink it.
You're not going to make friends in every situation you find yourself in and that's okay. Why force yourself to become friends with people you obviously don't have a rapport with?
I made a few good friends in university but only 1 of them I actually met in my classes. The rest came from societies and living with other people.
Sometimes the amount of information available is overwhelming, so then I appreciate recommendations like this >>206244
, as it steers me in a certain direction
Why do his needs and family supersede yours? >choose between having a relationship or staying with my mom and making sure she is ok
If they're halfway decent choose family over men, always.
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Lately I've come to the realization that I'm fairly ugly, not deformed but extremely unappealing. I have a very fleshy, pouchy face with small features. Think moon face but flabby with fat. My only hope is if I become underweight my face can shrink and I have ok bone structure underneath. Current BMI 24. I'm in my 30s so makeup and contouring doesn't help anymore. Surgery is an option but threadlifts are often botched and look horrible. Full face lift is extreme for my age and I don't want to look like I'm in a wind tunnel by my 60s.
Should I get strict on a diet and try to improve my face or just give up and lean into saggy old lady mode? I'm sad to give up because I grew up poor and never got to enjoy youthful cuteness, and by the time I had money to glow up I started to age like this. On the other hand losing a lot of weight will make my average body ugly with loose skin. I don't want to be a surgery addict or anachan but I can barely look at myself in the mirror now and I know it'll only get worse.
Better advancement in my career, easier to find love, have a wider choice of sex partners, have the self esteem to go after opportunities that involve people looking at me, being able to stand my reflection, being able to enjoy taking photos with loved ones instead of anticipating the pain of how awful I'll look. People in general being nicer to me and wanting to help me.
I'm not trying to be a Stacey but being a pleasant looking 7 would really help me with my goals and general quality of life. Right now I'm a 2 and I only get opportunities by catfishing up to a 5 or 6. I do wonder how much of this is low self esteem or body dysmorphia, but it can't be all of it because I'm genuinely phenotypically inferior to most women my age.
I cope by unapologetically hating men and prioritising the women in my life. In general I just don't care about men at all, don't think about them, and when i'm forced to interact I remind myself that they are not worthy of my time or energy. It's all about priorities.
Are you feeling guilty or just generally in despair? Maybe volunteer work or donating or any kind of feminist political action would help you feel better.
it will work i went from bmi 24 to 19.5 and my face slimmed, i have a big head naturally but my bones stand out more now my cheekbones are visible and my jaw is a bit more defined, people noticed it before i did, on the downside my nose looks bigger now but whatever i'm trying to aim for 18 and i'll try lympathic massages to make my face look more refined not anachan 18 is healthy bmi
either way dont be too hard on yourself selena gomez and that girl from modern family have giant moonfaces but they're considered beautiful, i developed this insecurity very recently so i think most people dont notice or pay attention to that and women can definitely pull it off whereas guys cant, also fleshy faces look more youthful so even if you slim your face you might not like it cause it might age you a bit
>>206512>Except for "don't watch the news".
Why not? You need to unplug. It's like asking how to make the pain stop when you refuse to quit stabbing yourself. Constantly reading about male crime and violence is just going to make you feel miserable, and for what? Presumably you well understand that you shouldn't blindly trust men at this point. You've learned what you needed to. Now live your life. Hating men and constantly fearing for your safety are just going to turn you into a neurotic mess. Sure take basic precautions, but then consume happier media. Engage with your work or hobbies. Help a fellow woman. Go outdoors. Have a brief encounter with a male checkout person and realize it's possible to coexist with men without needing to feel panicked 24/7. I've been where you are before so I get it, but you've developed a depressive victim
mindset and you're the only person with the capability to change what you think about and what you prioritize in life.
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How do I stop feeling envious over seeing happy couples?
A few days ago I heard my friend spoke about how great his online gf is for caring about him, he was even telling his family about her too. I am happy for him but I came back to the same realization that I only have a lot of guy friends as well as guys in general who are just sexually attracted to me and they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me.
I tried to focus on other things like work, hobbies and family but everytime I see a happy couple I just feel envious and think I'd never experience being loved for being me.
I'm only in my early 20s
I honestly think that you should just be unapologetically yourself, don’t feel bad if someone sees your phone background and screeches>YOUR’E WAIFU IS SHIT
Because, so what? So what if your favorite character is considered shit? So what if the story has plot holes, nothing will ever be perfect and your likes shouldn’t be questioned by any retard that crosses your path.
The things you like makes you happy, they’re not harming you, they’re not harming anybody and that’s all that matters.
And if someone ever screeches such things as>YUR WAIFU IS SHITE
Just proudly screech back>NO U
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>>206562>how great his online gf is
Online relationships are not real relationships for one, waste of time and I guarantee you that will fizzle out eventually. That pic gives me hives from both perspectives. I'm single and I am
alone, who cares. I don't even have or want pets. Being alone is not this terrible tragedy, it's freedom. I don't have to put my desires, goals or health on the back burner for someone else. Believe me, I did that a lot in relationships. Many women do. When I was in relationships they looked wonderful from the outside and yes we did fun stuff sometimes, but in fact my exes were porn addicts, abusers, racists, narcs and liars. You never know what the reality of a "happy relationship" is, and when many inevitably fail leaving people middle-aged and raising kids by themselves, you realize how much time they lost which could've been spent building themselves up instead.
>I just feel envious and think I'd never experience being loved for being me
It's you nona. You
have to love yourself for being you. Stop waiting to have your worth validated by someone else. Media pushes this idea that romantic love is priority #1 and there's "someone out there for everyone" but in reality a lot of people just settle and suffer for it. If you do encounter a truly happy relationship, know that is rare
and something few people experience. No matter how great they are. Look at women like FKA Twiggs, Eartha Kitt, Charlize Theron, Lucy Liu, Hayden Panettiere, Rihanna, Marilyn Monroe. A lot of people were jealous of relationships they had at some time or another. These female celebs are talented, smart, beautiful, earning cash, and they were all cheated on, divorced, abused, discarded. Or have simply chosen to remain single because no one has proven a good enough partner. Does that mean they are/were just unloveable? No. A lot of men are fucking deficient is what's the problem. Doesn't mean they should be spending every minute thinking their lives are meaningless and unfulfilled. You have to be obsessed with your own growth and happiness, and if someone comes along who can complement that, that's the cherry on top. Not the main course.
It's okay to feel jealous of relationships sometimes. Grass is always greener. Just know many people in relationships are envious of single life more than they'd admit. It sounds like you're doing all right in terms of actions, but you need to fix your thoughts as well. Get really into yourself so you don't feel romance is a necessity for fulfillment. When that happens, the interests and hobbies you have will take on more meaning and importance in your life rather than just feeling like you're going through the motions. If you need direction to get started CBT workbooks are a good option, to deeply recognize your positive qualities and find out what motivates you. Also read books about/by strong people, especially women, who have done amazing things for inspiration. Start expanding your world away from the focus on romance.
I also think online relationship is a waste of time, especially when my friend rushed into this relationship 2 weeks after his ex broke up with him. I do sometimes think of the negatives about people rushing through the steps of being in a relationship but I can't tell if i'm being negative over jealousy or being realistic from things I've seen. I do love being single as it gives me time to work on my career, work on myself and hopefully travel but when i see friends post nothing about them with their partners doing stuff it kinda annoys me.
I do love myself and I know my own worth, I just hate how others see me as a sex object or exotic. It makes me want to get a breast reduction, wear baggy pants and cut my hair. But I love my body and my hair, I love being able to express myself through the clothes I wear.
Maybe you are right, I'm letting myself think that in society you're truely beatuiful and loved if you have someone who is willing to stick around with you. I need to book some therapy sessions and find some CBT workbooks too. While I was questioning my worth the other day I ended up drawing my feelings and it ignited an old passion I have for drawing. I've been so busy with work and people wanting to see me but now I want to make time to draw. Actually now that i think about it I'm way too busy to be worrying about relationships.
Thank you anon for the advice, I will keep an eye out on some books to read.
The thing is that I don't specifically aim to look at atrocious news stories online, but sometimes when I just look at the headlines and scroll through social media there are so many horrific stories and it makes me fucking depressed.
I don't have a problem interacting with men in my daily life.
But the sheer awfulness of men of the world gets too much sometimes you know?
The internet info overload is indeed a problem. But I also want to keep updated and not avoid social media. It's tricky.
Honestly I'd advise you to quit social media entirely. Shit is a cesspool. But if you're intent on using it, use the content filtration systems to weed out all the terrible news stories. I'm the manhating anon who replied before, though >>206543
has some good points about victim
mentality. You can counter that with deliberate actions of self empowerment. I think the best way to heal your despair and worry is to work hard at bettering the lives of women in your community. If you're worried they're going to be hurt then damn, somebody's got to protect them. Become that protector. As the saying goes, be the change you want to see in the world.
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anons I am so tired, my roommate keeps burdening me with all her emotional drama and I don't know how to politely tell her to stop dumping it on me. she literally knocked on my door to tell me that she had a big cry and I was just in no mood to ask her about it because every day there's always some sort of friendship drama going on, or she wants to trauma dump on me, etc. I'm tired of it - I'm not invested enough in our friendship or stable enough to be here emotional crutch but I don't want to seem like a dick about it. what can I do besides move out?
maybe something along the lines of "uwu it negatively affects my mental health and triggers
me"? apparently this is something people are doing to be flakes in friendships and tell their friends looking for support by saying not to trauma dump.
ohh anon i was in the exact same boat as you with a roommate in college who basically did the exact same thing as you described. i think the only thing that truly fixed it was when i moved out. i don't really know if there's anything you can do to stop her from using you as an emotional crutch, but i think it's okay to be honest if you really aren't feeling it in the moment. like saying "sorry if i'm not talking a lot right now, i'm just really tired". obviously you can't say that every time unless you really want to make it clear that you don't want to listen to her anymore, but when i was too emotionally burnt out to listen i would be honest with her about how i was feeling stressed/emotionally exhausted without necessarily saying that she was the cause of it lol. also i don't usually do this with friends, but i would try to problem-solve a lot with her and offer solutions and that would sometimes resolve the conversation quickly. idk i think that this probably isn't the best way to deal with the situation, but it's what i did at least. good luck nonnie
, i know how stressful that can be.
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has anyone ever gotten a jelly pedicure before and if so, did you like it? i want to get my first pedicure this weekend but i’m overwhelmed with options but the jelly one seems fun or maybe i’m just draw to it because it’s weird.
if they suck or you’re someone that gets a lot of pedis — what do you recommend as far as the best type of one to get?
I don't know where to post this. sorry if it's too heavy or retarded.
I don't know what's wrong with me. psychiatrists and therapists have been no help, meds have been no help. nowadays my mind keeps coming back to something my mom asked me when I was young, "were you ever molested?" she couldn't understand why I was suddenly acting the way I was. I went from pretty normal to being absolutely neurotic, I started cutting myself, I started hating my body (specifically my breasts), I was so sad and angry all the time, I started hating being female and wishing I were a boy, then wishing I were "nothing" because I felt so inhuman, like a monster. just pure hate and disgust towards myself. I don't have a memory of anything like that happening (aside from being creeped on by internet pedos but I don't think that counts, nothing major that I can remember ever came of it) but the more I look into signs and symptoms of it, the more it… seems fitting. even the more shameful signs that I wouldn't dare admit to anyone, not even to a therapist. me being so neurotic really started when I was 12 maybe. since then I've had some bad experiences because I am easily manipulated and coerced into things. I've only gotten "crazier" because of it. but I can't pinpoint an original cause. is my brain just fucked up? I'm in a good relationship with a nice person now and I feel crazy, because I feel bored, like I'm craving something intense and damaging to happen. because I don't feel like I deserve good things, it feels wrong. I don't feel human. I don't feel okay. I'm rambling and I'm sorry. I know this doesn't flow well. I don't even know what I'm really asking here. I just need advice, any kind words, words of wisdom. I don't know what to do to be happy. I want so desperately to be happy and normal. I feel so lost
I know it doesn't help but, you're not alone in this, I'm the exact same way… I've even been asked the same question your mom asked you by basically every single therapist, it's such a disturbing thought to have. Once it's in your mind, it never leaves you. Like, what if something did happen, and I just forgot? But trying to think about it too hard can create false memories too…
I keep going to therapists and psychiatrists because I feel like a walking corpse, they go "you're depressed, take these pills and do x y and z" I do as told and feel better for maybe a couple of months, then start to feel this unbearable boredom and ruin my own life for literally no reason. I recently lost both my job and my flat because of this.
I hope you can feel better soon anon. Rooting for you.
i always tell people they need to get to the root of their issues and identify the material causes of their self hatred. in your case maybe that's not so easy, especially if you're looking for a Big Traumatic Event. a lot of the time it's a ton of little things adding up. for example my downward spiral began at age 9 because i couldn't handle the stress of precocious puberty, racial tensions at school, my parents fighting, my brother picking on me, economic recession, and on and on and on… basically even if the onset of your insanity was sudden, that doesn't mean there was no gradual buildup.
for practical advice, i'd try to go over everything that happened to you in your childhood. write out your memories, good and bad, including how you felt in the moment and how you feel about it now. write letters to your past self. write letters from your past self to your current self. and when you feel that itch to ruin your life, pause for a moment and consider what you were doing or thinking about moments before that may have triggered
the urge. keep a record of it and look for patterns.
it's possible you might be autistic. i definitely am, though i only learned it recently, and the discovery answered a lot of nagging questions. the biggest one was "why am i so broken even though nothing 'bad' happened to me?" turns out i was just born this way, into a world that isn't built to accommodate me and my fellow tards. i'd definitely look into the signs and symptoms of female asperger's, if only to rule it out.
one book i like is The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori. it has a lot of interesting literature on building self esteem as an adult. even if you feel you have a great relationship with your mom, i suggest you check it out. it's really helped me a lot in learning how to talk to myself in my head. there are also exercises you and your partner can do together to help you heal.
and lastly i think it's important that every person learns to meditate (i.e. ""practice mindfulness"") and a great place to start is the book Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. it's very easy to read. you can stop and start anytime, jump around between the short chapters, and so on. meditating in my daily life helps ground me in the present and appreciate what i have.
i hope you're ok today anon. i also hope some of this will be useful to you. be safe. i love you
thank you. I do think it's more likely it was a lot of little things… fighting parents, being my mother's therapist, pressure to do well in school, puberty… I do relate to certain symptoms of aspergers in girls, but I'm not sure, I seem too socially adept, I'm a bit awkward but I've always adapted quickly. I /was/ diagnosed with adhd in adulthood that seemed to explain how abnormal I felt. doing poorly in school really hit me hard, everyone was always asking me why I did so well on tests but never did any homework and I just didn't have an answer, so I internalized it as me just being lazy and bad. I felt like being smart was my only talent so I felt like garbage when my grades plummeted in middle school.
I'll read that book. I do not have a good relationship with my mother at all and I suspect she's borderline. it was like walking on eggshells. I just deleted a huge novel i was writing about all the weird shit she'd pull and it made me realize that it's more than enough to make a kid snap. I love you too. and the other anon that responded as well. be well you two
First of all, weird interactions with men online can absolutely fuck you up. It doesn't have to be extreme to leave lasting damage. Secondly, I'm going to go against other nonnas and say that obsessively searching for a reason is not healthy. Sometimes it's a lot of small issues, sometimes it's nothing. Your brain is really good at protecting you from trauma, but not perfect to the point you don't remember a single thing. You always know something happened, you just don't process it right away. It's hard to explain, but in my experience it's not total amnesia. I always knew I was molested I just couldn't come to terms with it.
Back to the point, I'd really encourage you to try and find a therapist specializing in cbt. No medication, just talk therapy. Or if you don't want to do that, there's worksheets online and a thousand books on the subject. I hope you find something that works for you and keeps you healthy and safe.
that's kind of comforting. I know you've said obsessively searching for a cause isn't healthy, but I'd like your opinion on a particular experience if you wouldn't mind. do you think seeing my mom being super weird in a sexual way could have also been damaging? it wasn't directed at me but it happened around me, if that makes sense. spoilered because it's pretty gross. when I was really young she would occasionally sneakily masturbate when I was in the room, at the time I didn't understand it and thought she was scratching an itch (as an adult I'm 90% sure that's what she was doing because I now recognize the, er, smell. gag). when I was a tiny bit older I walked in on her letting my childhood dog lick her through her underwear. she was smiling and laughing and saying his name so she was enjoying it, she only pushed him away when she noticed I was standing in the doorway. I don't remember if I understood what I was seeing at that point but it did make me very, very uncomfortable. I had no idea what to do with that knowledge so I just kept it to myself.
I think the online interactions and then whatever the hell this was could have warped my view of sex. I've always felt ashamed of my sexuality, like it was something dirty and wrong.
nta but just reading that traumatised me. if you're looking for someone to tell you that shit is fucked up and it's understandable that you would be messed up by it, then i'll gladly be that person. i see why you'd get hung up on memories like those. i'm really sorrt you had to witness that. >>206842
nothing is healthy when taken to an obsessive degree. that doesn't mean you should give up on looking for the inciting event(s). i understand that you can treat a wound without knowing exactly how you got it, but that's just a temporary solution. it will reopen again and again if you don't address the root cause.
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I'm trying to decide whether I want to move-up in my ~cArEeR~ or not and I'm really torn. Please bless me with your insights, my dear nonas. I'll be moving from 30 hours a work week to 39. The quality of work is meh, since I'll be moving from a semi-varied job that's outdoors (with a nice view) to one where I'll be indoors and sitting on my ass a majority of the time doing reports, which sounds comfy but will definitely be boring. I'll be working strict 10 hour, 4 day work weeks as opposed to my current 6 hour and 5 day work week that's flexible. I'm currently working in a team, with people I've known for well over a year and we all get along great. In this new position, I'll be going in blindly and will be paired with a manager who I'll be stuck sharing a desk with for 10 hours. It's a very high chance I'll be paired with a normalfag scrote and it's a dice-roll whether we'll get along or not since I'm on the shy side and become very nervous and meek in new situations. I can be cordial, but it's difficult for me to hit it off with most people. I keep going back and forth, because I see a lot of potential for me to grow professionally (as well as personally) and it's an opportunity to look better on paper, but I'm scared I won't vibe and integrate with the manager and crew since I'm coming in from somewhere else. The pay increase isn't anything worth bragging about either since I only get a meager 50¢ bump with a chance to earn 2 more dollars an hour after working there for 3 years, but atleast I get paid lunches kek. If you anons were in my position, what would you do? Take it or leave it? And let me add, I'm in no dire position where I need the extra hours or cash.
Your way of speaking is a bit odd, is it not common in your culture to start dating in your late teens? Where I am it's perfectly common and accepted to have a boyfriend at 18.
>I just wonder if it is healthy and normal that I feel guilty for wanting a boyfriend.
Don't be stupid lol, it's healthy to desire romantic and intimate relationships at your age.
There's really right or wrong thing to do here. It's normal to be interested in dating at 18 but if you want to focus on your personal development first, then that's also totally okay. The choice is up to you. The only thing you should watch out for is that you shouldn't sacrifice your hobbies, personal-development and most importantly your education for a boyfriend, but if you can juggle both that's great.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You're a young adult and it's a normal desire to have. I'm older and looking back on my first relationship at 19 I was a little naive and didn't know it at the time. You learn alot in your first relationship.
My general advice would be don't be afraid to ask friends or older relatives for advice if you ever have a disagreement or if something in the relationship sits funny with you. There's value in using other peoples experience to help you recognize what's healthy and what's not. Maintain your hobbies or your friendships and keep room for those things still. Always make sure the relationship brings you more joy than pain and if that scale ever tips over.. it's time to move on.
That and just be good about your birth control and having strong sexual boundaries where you don't get pulled into fulfilling acts you might not truly want. That seems to pop up alot now with men and.. women in their first relationship can very easily get sucked into being too much of a pleaser in that area.
It is common, my peers have had boyfriends or are currently in relationships. But they also have very different lifestyles and ambitions to me, which makes me think it is acceptable for them but not for me. I recognise that some of these doubts are influenced by trauma, but it is never black and white. >>206963
I struggle with this very much, because I do have a history of trauma and it obviously affects every aspect of my life. I know I have an unhealthy attachment style, for instance, and I am working on this every day, alongside other unhealthy habits or ideas I have. However, I also am just a teenage girl and would like a boyfriend, and I can never know when I have fully healed from these things. Furthermore, I learn so much from all of my relationships, that I am of the opinion that a relationship, even if it fails, can be extremely fruitful when healing and growing. Thank you very much for your response, I appreciate it. I think it is okay if I want a boyfriend indeed, it is normal and human. I don't have to be perfect to be loved, and desiring love is normal, it is not wrong. Writing this and reading your responses makes me realise that the only reason I worry about this is because I was raised to understand love is a reward for good behavior, if at all. I was raised to believe that I must serve and perform well, unless I want to be attacked and put in danger, and even then performing well might not pay off, it is simply the status quo. Me thinking I should have everything in order and be perfect before being allowed to build a connection just stems from having all of my connections from the past following this principle. I don't have to be perfect for love, I do not have to serve anyone or anything, and relationships are not tasks or jobs or rewards or achievements, they just develop naturally and imperfectly. Sorry for the blogposting, but I struggle so much with my sexuality and romantic feelings, and thinking about this has (thankfully) made some things click in a way that I believe I can actually move forward and develop a new way of thinking. As a result, I think I should embrace and welcome these longings for a boyfriend and see them as something normal and good that will be fruitful. I don't have to be perfect to have a boyfriend and nobody expects me to be perfect. Thank you again. I did not go back to edit my text because it shows my development of thought directly, haha>>206964
Thank you so much, I will 100% follow these principles. I am also very adamant in remaining true to myself and my boundaries. thank you again and also to the other anons
I feel like the vast majority of 18 year olds have no idea what 'attachment styles' or attachment injuries are so in fairness you're at some advantage if you've read up on things like that and if you continue to examine your own attachment issues.
I had 2 incredibly shit relationships behind me before I discovered all that. How I wish I had known lol
I mean, you just… do it? They will be mad at you probably but you'll have to live with that. Or if you think it's easier make up a name like Eleonora McSpalding Lakeham-Wothers, although I guess I would google any fake name first to make sure you aren't getting someone in trouble. Or just go with something really common like Sarah Smith.
It will be stressful but hobos do it all the time, as do people who get injured in gang violence and don't want to be tracked down by the police. Ok I got that one from TV but the hobo thing is for sure real.
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Anons, how do I change these specific patterns that I keep creating over and over?
It's starting to be a problem at my workplace.
I have low-self esteem and always expect to be rejected and hated by people so I withdraw a lot and usually avoid them. Right now I'm at a new workplace and I KNOW that going to the office and socializing with my coworkers is crucial at this point but I just can't make myself do it and at the same time I'm also paranoid that they think I hate them because I choose to work from home office. Whenever we do check-ins with someone I assure them that everyone's nice and helpful but I can already see their disbelief and the fact that they see I'm fucking insane. I was fired from my previous workplace for not fitting in where I made the same mistakes (self-sabotaged myself, avoided socialization with coworkers because I thought I was gonna die from anxiety, etc). With one-on-one interactions I can perform fine. I had an online test writing review session with a coworker and I could even joke around and have a somewhat decent conversation. Group setting? Impossible. I cannot utter a word. Also (I vented about this the other day), I heard someone saying in the background during a workshop that 'She never speaks' and 'she'd better start looking for another job' which sent me into absolute despair and I feel like I have already destroyed my chances at being on good terms with my coworkers.
I KNOW that all I should do is just….believe in myself, assume the best of everyone and be positive but like…how the fuck do I do that?
And another note: for the longest time I have wondered if I might be a narcissist because when I feel that someone likes me, I can chat with them just fine. It's when I feel that someone doesn't like me, it makes me want to throw up with anxiety because I feel that there must be something horrible in me that deserves to be hated and they picked it up.
The way I imagine it is that normal people have a safe place within themselves where they feel whole and secure even if they feel that noone likes them. I feel like I don't have that 'safe place' and I don't know how to create it
All we know is that you've upset this person, you realize what you did was upsetting, and you know you can't/are unwilling to change whatever behavior caused this. Just leave the poor individual alone before you do any more damage. >I don't want this to end on a sour note
Too bad, you can't control how other people react. You've already apologized, from here on out the other person's feelings are their business. The only reason you should possibly be getting back in touch is if you've taken drastic steps to change whatever this negative behavior is, and that sort of thing takes time (months if not years.) Don't reply. Let them go and respect their need for space. Focus on being a better person if you actually want to do something meaningful.
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help, how do i fake being put together for my family? i am afraid both my parents and siblings think i am a loser. i am taking extra time to finish my bachelors because i had an eating disorder and no money, then i got depressed and schizoid. i moved back with my parents last year and since then i overspent on takeout and ordered vanity items like game merch and anime plushes. i do have 2 minimum wage jobs but i can't keep my room clean or stop spending on takeout and ready made food. i have to pay rent but it is still cheaper than other places. my parents peeked into my room and lectured me on keeping it clean. nobody comes over. i have no friends here. i cling to my siblings and become excited like a lost puppy when they bring their friends. these people are younger than i am. i am an adult yet can't keep a clean room. i am so lonely i try to fill the void by buying things. talking about my problem to my family makes them think i am ill and pathetic. i hide my takeaway habit. how do i fake it until i make it?
Fake it til you make it doesn't apply to cleanliness. You have to put in an effort. Realize it doesn't have to happen overnight. Think of your space in sections, such as closet, bathroom, bedroom. Next time you catch yourself shopping for retarded weeb crap or even thinking about it, close your browser or app or whatever, pick a section to work on, set a timer for 30 minutes and clean that part of your room. Do not do anything else until your alarm goes off. No snack time, no toilet break unless it's an emergency, no lolcow or replying to messages or endless scrolling. People who have their shit together set aside time to keep their affairs in order. You aren't good at regulating that yet so a stricter schedule is the only way to get on track. A takeout meal is fine to reward yourself for your work, or a book that can teach you something you would like to learn, but stop buying useless toys, or better yet keep a one-in-one-out rule and sell or give away a similar toy if you want to buy a new one. This will prevent you from hoarding to fill the voids in your life, and make you think over your purchases more carefully to decide if you really want it more than the things you already have. Every time you receive a package of some retarded weeb crap you caved in and bought, do not open it. Set a timer for 1 hour and clean and organize your shit. Reward yourself with opening the thing if you did your best. If not, don't open it and try again tomorrow. It's ok if you don't get much done so long as you do your best and don't cave in to distractions until your timer goes off. It can be overwhelming if you have been keeping it messy for some time so don't beat yourself up for failing, but strive to be better.
Damn anon, I'm sorry about your mom but at least she will eat what you cook. My mother is 63 and overweight and was almost pre-diabetic. You think this would've scared her straight but she is a typical dumbass boomer who believes that sugar is good for you and gives zero fucks and continues to eat like shit and wonders why she is sick and in pain all the time. She has the body of an 80 year old and it's fucking sad. I know one day she's probably going to get diabetes and get her limbs chopped off due to her shit diet. I just wish I could leave before it happens but I'm too mentally ill to be able to get away.
Anyway, any amount of walking is fine for your mother. My mother is also asthmatic. Nothing wrong with her walking 3K or for 30 minutes a day as long as she takes her inhaler. I'm not sure about the leg pains, but if you really think it's related to her weight you could suggest that she see a nutritionist. She could also try seeing a physical therapist (physiotherapist). It's good that you care, but coming from experience, if your mother doesn't care about herself then there is nothing that you can do.
How/where do you find and make friends? I haven't spoken to anyone in over 5 years, not even in passing. I'm a 20 year old NEET paranoid schizochan (untreated lol no monie) with really bad depreciated social skills and zero awareness of trends or memes or anything like that. For a long list of reasons, I can't go outside and my only real option is making friends online. The thing is I don't know what kind of community I can even join or where to find one. Discord seems like the obvious choice but I'm kind of worried about how many kids and scrotes are on there. I'm also afraid that if I do find adults, people will pick up how suspicious I am, or that they will look down on me for being a NEET and ill. Or that they will abuse me, since the last people I talked to treated me really poorly finding out that I was schizo. I dissociate most of the time and although I can talk during those times I'm really vulnerable and have no control over what I say and I won't know about it until weeks to months later, so I'm afraid of sensitive communities with cancel culture stuff in it and communities known for taking advantage of people too. I'm just kinda stumped. Finding communities aside, I know nothing about talking to people. I can pick up on jokes and stuff but I don't understand how to match people's energy or how to know what they want to hear. My authentic self isn't acceptable, I don't have an identity or likes or dislikes or anything to me at all, but I don't know how to make a more palatable personality and keep it going, or how to adapt it to different social situations. How do you come up with conversation topics or answer questions about how you're doing or what you've been up to if you do literally nothing all day? What's the highest level of anonymity that won't make people suspicious? I know people get uncomfortable if you refuse to give over any information. I was thinking of lying about it since I would look more normal that way but do I really have to keep up a whole spreadsheet of all the things I lie about? What if different people want different answers? I don't get it. I definitely sound autistic or like a lolcow or something but I swear I just haven't spoken to anyone in years and I'm completely lost on how things work. This was a lot, sorry, and I don't know if I made any sense but my questions are basically
>How do I find a community that works for someone like me?
>How do friendships and social interaction work?
>How do you go about being acceptable to other people when there's nothing acceptable about you?
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How do you cope with the fact that you will never achieve anything you want because you're too poor, live in a village and have no family?
I've been to therapy but it didn't help at all, we just did all the stuff I already know and am already doing - meditation, exercise, journaling and all that crap.
It kills me that I will never be able to get a well paying job because they're all in the bigger cities. I can't even get a car due to shit minimum pay and my work contracts being 3-4 months so I can't even take a loan. I'm also too old now to go to college for free, so again, money.
I'm just so fucking tired of all of it. My dreams aren't even ambitious, all I want is a gf to live in our own place in my dream city, which isn't even that expensive. Just a normal life. Why is this so hard?
You sound cool, I'd be your friend. I feel you though, I have one good friend from elementary school, I have my boyfriend, and one guy friend who is just an online friend. There was a friend finder thread here that was good, I talked to someone cool on discord for a while - not sure if the thread is still active, but you could look that up. Are you schizo as in schizoid or schizophrenic? Because I don't have experience with the latter, but my boyfriend has very strong schizoid tendencies, he doesn't go outside, it took over a year until he told me his name, he is very paranoid, etc. But honestly it's fine if someone likes you. If you trust someone and can be open about it, then that will help them a lot to understand your behavior though, but if not, I think if you have a good connection with someone then a lot of personal details just won't matter because you just like to be around them. I think finding good friends is hard for everyone though, some people seem content with having a lot of acquaintances, but I feel like having a good connection with someone is just rare.
That's a good point. I heard that most people branch out friends organically like that. I'll do my best to make a friend somewhere.>>207345
I'm not 100% sure if you're serious, but if you are, I would love to. If you aren't, thank you for the sentiment.>>207374
The same to you as with the other anon. Thank you for letting me know about the friend finder thread too. When I say schizo I mean paranoid schizophrenia, the whole 9 yards. Delusions, hallucinations, word salad and odd way of thinking, talking, and moving, the 5 As, all of it. I get a lot of false memories too, which is a cool double whammy with dissociative amnesia. Haha. Apparently it's a somewhat severe case. It's a relief to know that it should be okay if they like me and that it's okay to just be acquaintances with people if I can't make friends. Trusting people feels kind of Herculean right now, so I'm just happy if I can talk to people every so often that don't think badly of me. Thanks.
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How the fuck do I get people to take me seriously and as an adult? It probably stems from me still feeling and acting like a child but how do I stop feeling like that? What are the things that differentiate a child from an adult? Would taking up more responsibilities make me more mature?
And for context: I'm not childish in the sense that I'm skipping rope wearing pigtails in the park on Sundays, I just think sometimes I have a tendency to feel helpless, directionless and people pick up on that and feel like they need to mother me…?
>>207495>I have a tendency to feel helpless, directionless and people pick up on that
Are people approaching you out of nowhere to give you advice or are you oversharing about how lost and directionless you feel? It's generally good to keep things like that close to the chest. Some people mean well but you never know who may want to take advantage. In the long term you want to build more confidence by becoming competent, studying things that are useful in life and building self esteem (therapy, either self directed or with a professional). In the meantime, aside from monitoring what you discuss with people, take a video of yourself and try to be as objective as possible. Would you
take yourself seriously? Do you shrink to make yourself smaller? Is your voice excessively mumbly, soft or high? Speaking too fast to get a point across? Are the words you use passive and indecisive? After you assess all that watch an interview or something with a woman you see as poised and confident and try to mirror her. Take another video and see if your presentation is better. It can be hard to remember everything at once so focus on one or two things at a time (like speaking slower and more from your chest). Fake it until you make it.
Don't do it retard, wtf would you want with a middle aged man willing to date a 23 year old? That's gross predatory shit, decent guys date women their own age.
Have some foresight ffs, you're gonna be 40 one day. Do you want the men your age to be convinced they can date 20 year olds instead? Because they will think that as long as dumb young girls enable their creepy asses.
i see your point. this guy has dated women all within his own age range ~5yr differences so its not like he's on the prowl for young girls. i get how bad it sounds without context but he's not creepy, he's super kind and respectful. not just to me but to everyone i've seen him interact with. idk>>207785
girl… i'm pursuing him not the other way around. besides i don't fuck dudes willy nilly if he just wants me for my body (tbh couldn't blame him, still don't think thats the case) then he'd just stop entertaining the idea of dating when he realizes i'm not about sex w/out some form of commitment. before you ask yes i'm retarded, but it doesn't seem too far fetched to think he might realize he's gonna die in or around 30 yrs from now and could want to find someone to spend most of that time with. let me dream.
>>207792>he might realize he's gonna die in or around 30 yrs from now and could want to find someone to spend most of that time with.
Yeah he realizes, the question is do you? Do you really want to be with a fucking 50-year-old while you're still young in your 30s? You want to take care of his sagging geriatric ass while you still have energy and hobbies and a normal life? Or maybe he'll just discard you for the next younger trophy model at that point. It's well known outside of Hollywood blowing smoke up everyone's asses that men age like milk. He might be the fun sexy older man for all of 2 seconds but once the excitement clears (which won't take long) you'll be stuck with a predatory manchild who thinks he's still the "cool fun guy" for dating someone half his age when you both have nothing in common. It's incredibly cringe, and trust me you're not special to him, you're an exciting porn category/novelty. You're nowhere near the same point in your lives and that makes a massive difference in the ways you relate and how you get along. He will eventually hold you back and when you're mature enough to see him for what he really is, you will deeply regret the time you wasted with him when you could've at least been with a hotter, younger guy who is exploring some of the same things in life you are. >let me dream.
In the first post you asked us to describe the problems with this scenario and now you want us to cheer on a terrible idea, which is it? I (along with some of the other anons I'm sure) have been with similar retarded old men that took advantage of us then got tired of the pathetic, immature losers they really were. We're warning you. Crush on him if you must, but do not take it further if you have any respect for yourself.
t. an anon who wasted a good portion of her 20s with someone over 10 yrs older
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I have this pattern where I lean on my imagination too much to regulate my emotions. Like something bad happens in reality, so I start reimagining the scenario in a positive way and start to get really detached from reality (while generating more and more feel good fantasies about imaginary relationships or success, etc) and when I start interacting with reality again, I feel disappointed, which triggers me to fantasize again and the cycle continues.
Does anyone else function like this? How can I stop doing this and what coping mechanism should I use instead?
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how do i figure out a good paying career/job/path? im close to finishing my a.a. in gen ed courses at 20 with no clue where to go to from here. my ideal job is wildlife biology but have heard its long work with little or no pay at all.
im considering a graphic design or paralegal degree and my dream would be to open up some small etsy shop one day lol.
i like music, creating, sewing, reasearching/learning and animals, but i have no idea how i can make a career out of any of this. i want to continue college because im worried i might struggle without it.
should i take a year off after my a.a. and learn some skills on my own? is there even a decent paying job i could attain without years and years of more college?
im really obsessing and stressing out over this and feel like a loser. i just want to make the right choices.
of course i have dreams like my shop or writing books but obviously a career with those things comes with luck.
Graphic designer here, big nope, i wish i had gone for my first option instead.
I cant really advise on anything else, im trying to go back to school for computer science rn
take vitamin d>>207780
people already told you this was a bad idea, but just to answer your question about the unique problems it brings: one thing I don't see people talk about a lot is that it can be very awkward to try to connect with their friend circle and family or bring them into yours, and it's only worse when they're cool people you like and respect. and I'm talking about <10-year gaps here.
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How do you guys deal with shutting down as a response to stress? My childhood was really abusive and the best way to avoid the wrath of my parents was to disappear for long periods of time. When I was younger it would last for days, then progressed into weeks, and eventually months of no contact with them despite living in the same house. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house without telling them though, so I would just spend almost all of my time stuck in my room browsing the internet. I’m out of that situation now but I still find myself unconsciously repeating these patterns whenever I’m stressed and locking myself away even though I don’t have to. As a result I spend all of my free time scrolling while chores and my hobbies get ignored. I want to be able to break free of this cycle but I feel like I never will. I have website blockers but they’re not enough and it gets to the point where I uninstall then reinstall certain apps multiple times a day. Im super nervous about something I have to do tomorrow plus a separate situation I have no control over and I’ll Ive done today was scroll Lolcow and wasted a day off. I’m tired of being like this and just constantly consuming things to distract myself while I really neglect what needs to get done.
Not joking, find a hobby. Boredom and inertness leads to fixations>>207868
You will probably not find a 100% perfect career. At almost 30 now and without a degree, I've realized the keys to happiness in a career is minimal stress and to have a good work-life balance. High pay is not as important. Am I in my dream job or any job I wanted to have during college before I dropped out? Hell no. But I am very happy. The bills are paid. I get to spend time with my loved ones. I've gotten to where I am now (I work in a museum) by talking to people older than me who were in positions that I wanted to have. I asked a pastry chef, a security guard, then a museum worker. "How did you get your job? Do you enjoy it?" And absolutely get a degree, any degree, because it will open so many doors for you, even if it doesn't relate to what you'll study.
this really gave me a new perspective anon so thank you. i think im going to look more into opportunities with animals or wildlife and if not ill pursue a paralegal degree. either way, definitely a degree! just thank you. i realized i need to stop worrying so much.
even if in the future i end up finding a job i love without my degree needed, i always want to have that under my belt. i want to have that backup plan.
I'm a guest service assistant. I sell tickets, roam the museum, and basically get paid to hang out and talk to people about the exhibits. I absolutely love it! Granted, I had to leave my previous museum to get to this level of chill and benefits, I did not love it there at all. I'm going to try shooting for an exhibition assistant position in the museum eventually (basically an office bitch lol), to get an even more perfect work-life balance.>>207956
You're going to be fine, anon. good luck with your classes!!
There's plenty of tv shows and films I've skipped watching (or quit halfway through) because I have a shitty past and while my ex bfs could enjoy violence in those settings.. I just can't. A decent partner will understand that if that's the issue you're talking about. I had one ex make me feel bad for not wanting to watch a show that's heavy on rape scenes.. he was an asshole in general lol
Plus it's fine to just not share all hobbies and faves. God knows there's 'gurly' faves that a bf won't want to go near either.
Samesies. My most recent ex was pretty psycho in the first place but even then I refused to read or watch certain things he was into because I knew it would be stressful for me. So much "male" media is seriously just softcore torture porn and I refuse to make myself suffer through any more of that so I can be perceived as a coolgirl. >>207996>I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend by not finishing a book that’s special to him
Look you gave it a shot and that's the most anyone could ask. In these situations you should always ask yourself how you would feel if the situations were reversed. Presumably, if you gave your bf something to read and he got a ways into it but stopped because it just wasn't clicking or some of the content made him uncomfortable, at least he tried right? You might be a bit disappointed but would ultimately understand/not want him to force himself. There are plenty of other things you can connect over and a good partner would never want you to suffer (even when it comes to pushing yourself through boring media) for their sake. Do yourself a favor and maintain solid boundaries and self care even (especially) in the midst of a relationship.
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anons I'm so behind on my final university assignment (which is late already due to health issues) because I'm such a doormat and let myself get guilted into covering at my overwhelmingly understaffed minimum wage job! how do I grow a backbone anons? I get hella nervous about asserting myself because if people know you're a doormat they treat you like you're a cunt when you finally start saying no
>>208293 >he hasn't introduced me to his parents while he knows my family and regularly comes over
That's a red flag if it carries on without a very good reason to exlplain the difference.
I have a brother who is 37 and I always found it strange how he has never introduced any of his gfs to us (we're not freaks or anything to be ashamed of) but then he'd be soo friendly with their family and would visit her relatives if they were in hospital… it was always one sided though. My moms funeral.. just him, my wedding day… just him. This repeated in every one of his long term relationships. He's 37, never been engaged or anything, never shared a lease with a partner, has his own mortgage in his own name for years now. Always has a gf but there's no commitment signs. I can only hope he's not stringing these women along but I suspect he is.
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My best friend is extremely depressed, so apathetic that she's essentially giving up on life altogether (but thankfully not suicidal). Her past experiences with hospitalisation, medication, clinical therapy, etc. have all been unhelpful and frankly traumatic. She has had much better experiences reading self help and spiritual books, but right now she can barely get out of bed, much less read. I think the root of her problems are feelings of hopelessness, self hatred, and fear of the future, all of which I understand and empathise with. Still I don't know what to say to her or how to act.
We're currently separated by entire oceans, so I can't pop in and check on her as I wish I could. Honestly we don't even talk often anymore, where we used to text a lot and even talk on a phone. Do anons have any guidance on what I might do to help her? I feel really worried for her. And failing that, some advice on how to cope with this myself? I have a hard time feeling so unhelpful, so lost, and so powerless in the face of all this. If it wasn't already obvious, I truly love this woman like a sister and I just want to do everything in my power to lift her up.
Thanks Nona that's actually really helpful. She's the type who struggles to console and likes to give advice straighf away, but I have noticed she doesn't like receiving
advice as much. I'll ask her open ended questions and try to get as much conversation out of her as I can when she has the energy to talk. No more suggestions, solutions, or platitudes… My goal is to understand her.
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Okay so…help me guys. How do I fit in and make myself loved at my new(ish) workplace?
I have avoidant personality disorder and my first month at my new workplace - since there's the option of working from home - I did exactly what my disorder dictated and avoided going to the office and generally talking to people. Initially I did go in but I didn't talk to anyone because I was too nervous. The (obvious) problem is that the manager implied during a meeting that not going to the office for a long time is a no no and also there are people that I'm supposed to talk to about job related stuff (my direct supervisors) and I have been neglecting these things. I am planning to go to the office this week but it obviously makes me super fucking nervous and I know it's gonna be hard to go in and just pretend I didn't ignore everyone for a whole month and just be the opposite of my usual aloof self and radiate kindness and positivity. Also it just seems really hard to rewire my brain from thinking PEOPLE=SOURCE OF DANGER AND ANXIETY to PEOPLE=SOURCE OF WARMTH AND EVERYTHING THAT'S GOOD or shatter the possibly existing (really bad) image that people have built in their heads about me (that either I'm stuck-up and/or socially retarded/and/or I hate them and that's why I avoided them for a month).
And just to add: I genuinely REALLY like the job and the place and feel like I could be good at this position it's just the social aspect that I have always struggled with everywhere and also it's just generally hard to outwardly show that I care about things (or people).
Dating autists is not worth it. You can't win or prove a point to an autist since they're simply not capable of thinking like you do so you'll always either have to be the one to adjust or play stupid games, it's always going to cost you and only you.
To answer your question: you're dating an autist, as I said he probably won't understand your train of thought.
so… my younger sister is having some kind of gender crisis and it's stressing me out. i wasn't sure who to talk to this about, because i don't know anyone irl who shares my opinion on these issues.
she's 15, very smart and creative but too kind for her own good, and pretty gullible.
she spends a LOT of time on tumblr and discord. i know that's part of what the issue is, and i've tried to warn her about being safe online, but she views these communities as accepting safehavens.
for a couple years she's been open about being a lesbian, and i was always very proud of her - i've struggled a lot with comphet and discovering my own sexuality, so for her to realize who she is so young made me proud. but lately she's been calling herself "transmasc" and going by a new, masculine name. our parents have started using it around the house, and it's just… a little upsetting, i guess.
i don't want to play this game. i don't want to use this name, have this snowball into something harmful because i feel forced to support something i don't agree with. she has a beautiful name, her real name, and it's how i've known her since the day she was born. i don't want to lose my sister.
is there anything i can do? do i just play along and hope she grows out of it? when i was her age i thought i was nonbinary, so i suppose this happens to a lot of young people online.
our parents are very liberal. they didn't ask any questions about why she feels this way, just went with it. she struggles with her mental health and has been isolated from her irl friends due to the pandemic, and spends a lot of time online - she's said to me that it's the only thing that feels "real" to her. i feel like she's being indoctrinated. but if i say anything, i'll be the bad guy.
i don't know what to do.
>>209103 >we all worry because he suddenly ghosts us for a week or a month
I don't even thnk 'slight autism' explains someone ghosting their long distance gf for a week to a month at a time. Plenty of tists can keep contact with people they care about so that's a poor excuse.
This just isn't a relationship. He is not capable of maintaining relationships so tbh.. take his power away by ending things yourself. There's no loss here.
One of my classes is pushing me towards a mental breakdown. It sounds stupid when I write it out like that, but when I was trying to submit the homework yesterday my mind blanked from fear and I couldn't write anything down, even for the questions I'd asked for help on in office hours. I could only complete like 20% of the assignment while in a state of complete panic. It also feels like that professor thinks I'm an idiot (not just me tbh), and going to his office hour yesterday made my anxiety about that class get so much worse. I've had hard courses with sort of dickish professors before, but even those profs would still give some sort of positive feedback and explanations when I asked them stuff, instead of just making me explain myself over and over and then talking over me when my answer wasn't perfect on the first try. I go to class, take notes, read the book, start the homework early and so on but it feels like nothing is working and all my knowledge just disappears whenever there's an assessment. I'm thinking of dropping the class, but I've missed the consequence-free drop deadline and another withdrawal is not going to look good on my transcript. On the other hand, I feel like I'm going to snap in the middle of the midterm if I continue like this, so I dom't know what to do anymore.
maybe try to get her to spend a few months off tumblr and then see how she feels about the situation. show her some studies of mental health getting worse from time spent online. I'm sorry anon, I was raised on tumblr from like age 14 to 17 and it really is a toxic
environment for teenagers
New life phases are scary. If you have ok transportation where you live, look for jobs outside your town.
Look up resume examples and if you had any internships, short jobs, helped anywhere write it down.
It also took me a whole year to get my first shit job. It sucks but once you start it will get easier.
anon I'm seeing this too late, did you at least send something ? Can you seek professional help ? I'm sending you all my encouragement nonnie
, and I hope you are doing ok.
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, that can't be right.>relax, relax. do you know how to relax
this part made my skin crawl, he knew you were anxious and he choose to act that way, fucking creep. I'm so sorry
That's definitely inappropriate, I've had the hernia test before and it wasn't like that. Maybe tell the practice if you feel like it.
Male doctors are so creepy and dismissive. I refuse to have any doctor be male, even my dentist.
How do I humble a guy who is flirting with 90% of the friend group? Think of the type of guy who'd do that, yes, that's him.
I'm sick of him dodging the question of why, what the hell he wants, and why doesn't he think doing this shit won't blow up in his face.
because it's fun
>what the hell he wants
to have fun but probably no strings attached/long term
>why doesn't he think doing this shit won't blow up in his face
he won't care because he just wants to have fun
Ime these type of guys only get serious once they meet the girl they want to make their wife and until then they only want to fool around with no regards for the feelings of the girls they flirt with.
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help i kinda catfished my online crush. i wear makeup in all my selfies and i photoshop them and use good angles and lighting because im insecure and dont want people to think im ugly, so i look pretty different in my selfies compared to irl. but thats what my male friend thinks i look like. but then we started developing feelings eachother and we are a 'thing' now but not dating. but he says we should meet up in the future and idk what to do. i wouldnt have catfished him if i knew this would happen. i dont know how he'll react or what he would do if he found out. He might be disappointed in me and reject me. i do want to meet up with him but if i do, i feel like i would have to tell him the truth first, but im too scared. i feel ugly and insecure and pathetic but i like him so much now i hate myself for doing this. i dont know what to do
It's honestly really hard to tell if you're a legit catfish without seeing for ourselves. If you look like the girls on /r/instagramreality then yes there will be a problem. But if you have low self esteem and zero in on flaws to fix that normal people wouldn't notice, it's probably no big deal. Everyone knows that filtered selfies in flattering lighting are gonna make you look better, it might not be that big of a surprise.
Start taking some less flattering/more realistic photos before you meet, to ease him into finding out what you really look like. That way it won't be less of a shock and hopefully you become less reliant on Photoshop etc.
Anon if you shoop your photos really badly you're going to have to come clean to him. I know that sounds incredibly hard, but trust me, it's better to confess than to have him meet you, see what you really look like, and then have it be all awkward. Plus it's better to find someone who likes you for who you are, no matter what you look like. Who knows, maybe he'll accept your apology and still be cool, even if you do look different than your photos, but even if he doesn't, it's better to confess this now than to let it get out of hand. If your photos aren't that badly edited, do what this anon said >>210058
and start taking a tad more realistic photos so he doesn't get whiplash.
try to find a community college that can transfer credits to a university. Take your basics if you still need them and take any random classes that interest you. When you decide on a major, transfer out and you'll have some credits that you can apply toward your degree so it won't take you long to earn it.
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Am I hot?(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
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I recently found out that some angry moid made a false profile with my real identity (my real name as the username, a photo of me as a child as the icon) on a furry site and followed some gross fetish work. I put in a report with the website which will hopefully ban the account (maybe not, maybe they won't consider it a problem) but it will most likely still come up under searches online. I had no idea about this but it's been there for several months (I don't google my name much).
I'm not sure if I should try to scrub this from the internet somehow or even HOW to do so if the site doesn't ban the account. I've heard of ways to contact different search engines or something but I'm not sure if it works. It also concerns me because I'm job hunting and I'm scared employers are looking me up only to find gross furry fetish art.
Does anyone know how the fuck to get rid of this off the internet? Can I possibly put in some kind of complaint with proof that I'm the real person and this was made maliciously? It doesn't contain any form of dox besides my name+face (which I really wouldn't want on a furry site anyways, I consider that an invasion of privacy). I'm still desperate to get it off the internet though because of trying to get a job. I don't know what the fuck to do
I assume your main concern is Google since that's the most used search engine.>Personal information that Google will remove>Remove “doxxing” content - content exposing contact information with an intent to harm>Remove images of minors from Google search results
Just click on the reason you want to get the stuff removed for and it'll lead to an article with further instructions on how to do that.https://support.google.com/websearch/troubleshooter/3111061?hl=en
If you do manage to get it deleted from that website itself but it still shows up in the google search results, there's also a link to a tool that will notify Google of the outdated content so they can update it.
Maybe you can at least get the image removed from the server it's hosted on? If you can get it removed from the server, it'll no longer show up on the website. Not sure how to do that but try looking into it.
I found this contact for removal under privacy laws for DDG: firstname.lastname@example.org
Have you tried that yet? I wouldn't get my hopes up but it's worth a shot..
I am very vulnerable and live in an abusive household. This is going to be long but I have to share everything.
Out of curiosity I downloaded a dating app recently and didn't think much of it. I met a nice guy from there and we went on a date. I've never had a boyfriend before, so I didn't know what to expect. He started touching me really quickly. He started holding my hand within the first half an hour of the date and then tried to kiss me. I said no and became really embarrassed. I apologised and explained my inexperience. I also explained how physical affection is overwhelming to me because I'm not used to it. I thought it went a bit fast and was confused, but I also doubted myself since I didn't know much about dates anyway. Maybe this was the norm. Finally, I didn't go away, because I was so happy to receive attention and affection. I've been hurting a lot. Even though I know it's a bad thing to do, I went to his house with him because I was hungry and knew there wouldn't be food for me at home. I also knew there would be anger and violence at home, so why did it even matter? Now I was at least with someone who paid attention to me. I was very happy to be taken care of. Eventually we kissed. I was very scared but I allowed it. I was scared to say no and I was happy to be pleasing him. So we went to his room and made out more. I ended up crying because everything described above. I never wanted things to go like this. I want to kiss and experience these things with someone I value, not a stranger I had met some hours ago. He comforted me and understood. I couldn't do much anyway, though. If I'd leave, I'd face a lot of turmoil at home, so I stayed over. I hugged him and made use of the situatuon. I repressed everything bad and tried to enjoy him holding me at night. I feel very terrible about the entire situation, because it actually isn't normal to be so touchy and move so fast on a first date. He is very intense too and we have been seeing each other every day since then. He lets me stay over, which I make a lot of use of to escape my household. But the problem is that I am very intense too. I am very clingy and needy, because I have very bad attachment issues. So I don't know how to respond to this. I know it is bad and a lot of it feels bad, but a lot of it also really helps. Sometimes I notice really strongly how my inner child is dominating. Overall, to me, it is clear from my behaviour that I have very family problems which lead me to behave like a clingy and scared child. I feel so happy holding his hand and being taken to the grocery store and getting to choose dinner, and I feel so happy sitting on his lap and asking him to bounce me up and down, and I feel so comforted telling him about my passions and not being ignored, and I feel so at ease working on papers with him sitting next to and encouraging me. But these are very obviously needs I have of my parents being fulfilled. On one occasion after I made him orgasm, this hit me the hardest. I'm well aware that this is how my psychology works for now, but especially in that moment it just depressed me. I did all of those sexual things for him, because I just wanted to hear him say I did well. I just wanted approval. I just want to be loved. I just want my parents to love me. I just want to be safe. I just want to be enough. I'm a little girl in a young adult body and I'm ashamed, and frustrated. I feel suck and horrible to be struggling so much. I cried again, of course. I said that maybe it would be best for us to not see each other again, since I don't think he can provide me with what I need. He said it is of course my choice, but that he wants to make things work and that he really likes me. All of this happened over the span of a week, by the way. I explained to him how I just want someone to hold me and pat my head and tell me I did well, especially in such a moment. He did these things immediately after and he did show a lot of effort and interest, also over the following days, and it hasn't ceased. This also made me like him more, of course. He cares, he is invested, he is available. He takes care of me. But I worry this still is wrong and dangerous. I just struggle to tell because my mind is clouded and I also long for someone who lets me be clingy to them. I just don't know what to do or think of this situation. I am already in therapy and have asked for more treatment since I hate living like this. I'm awaiting a response. I am interacting with men despite my vulnerability because I feel miserable at home and I can't afford to leave yet. I just cannot, and I am a legal adult now, and nothing my Parent does is severe enough to warrant social services to become involved.
By the way, I am quite positive it isn't love bombing and can explain why if needed. But for the rest, I still want to understand better and figure out what to do. I'm too scared to say no or break up or let go. It seems like the answer is right in front of me. I'm just scared. I don't want to stop sleeping over and cuddling, but I also do. I can't see it like a normal, healthy relationship if it keeps going this way, but I don't know how else to see it. I want what we're doing, because I want the attention and affection and love, but I don't, because it goes very fast and a lot of my boundaries were crossed and it makes me uncomfortable and suspicious, but I do still want this because I want the love, but I don't, but I do. Does this make any sense? I should just bite the bullet and lose some of the comfort if it means I can be more comfortable and find someone who respects me enough to court me, but maybe there is hope? And I don't want to lose the easy access to these nice warm safe things… But isn't that also what I'm afraid of that he is doing? I am critical of him seeing me as someone who is easy access. But I am easy access… I'm writing all of this so you can follow along with my thinking process, because I feel very alone in this.
what the fuck Im so sorry to hear that! what >>210642
said but also I really hope it works out for you and you get a great job nonnie
Furries are a disease, a plague on the world. All they do is fuck animals and each other to death with STDS (thank GOD). My BFF was harrassed by furries online for months four years ago just because she went off on a furry throwing soiled diapers EVERYWHERE so anyway I feel you nonnie
Anon, first I want to say I relate a lot to you. I have and had attachment issues and even did some of the things you did with random strangers because I wanted affection and love. I lived in an abusive
home too and was in a similar situation.
>He started holding my hand within the first half an hour of the date and then tried to kiss me. I said no and became really embarrassed.
None of this is normal, this whole situation is not normal or healthy. That guy trying to kiss you and holding your hand on the first date wasn't normal, he was testing his boundaries to see what he could do. Normal first dates are you getting to know someone to see if you'd be compatible with each other, or if you even like each other. Unless you're just looking for a fuckbuddy to use, you don't do all that with someone within a week of knowing them. >I want to kiss and experience these things with someone I value, not a stranger I had met some hours ago. He comforted me and understood.
Ok, if he understood then why would he then go on to make out with you? If he respected you enough to take heed of what you said, he wouldn't go on to push anything sexual on you. But it's already very clear what his true motivations are. >But the problem is that I am very intense too. I am very clingy and needy, because I have very bad attachment issues. So I don't know how to respond to this.
A good way to respond to this is by ending the relationship all together, or at the very least putting some distance between you two. By continuing to see him, you're just encouraging all your bad habits and allowing yourself to get hurt. If you want to try to have a healthy relationship, set boundaries for yourself.>I explained to him how I just want someone to hold me and pat my head and tell me I did well, especially in such a moment. He did these things immediately after and he did show a lot of effort and interest, also over the following days, and it hasn't ceased.
The true reason why he did this is to keep you attached to him, so he can keep using you for free pleasure. As soon as you expressed your desire to leave, because you deep down knew how deeply wrong this whole situation is, he turned up the affection to make you stay. I know you said it isn't love-bombing, but if he truly cared about you he would respect your decisions and leave you to make your own choices.>He cares, he is invested, he is available.
I'm sorry, but no he is not. If he was all those things, he wouldn't continue to sexually pursue you. A man who cares about you wouldn't repeatedly take advantage of you or your vulnerability to pursue his selfish desires.
Let me ask you to do something anon: imagine your situation in your head, but instead of giving him sexual favors, imagine you're giving him money instead. He's telling you he cares about you, wants to pursue you, but he's only saying that because you're giving him free cash. Do you still think he's not taking advantage of you? I would even go as far as to say that it'd be better if you were giving him money, because your body is priceless and you're just giving it away for free. I'll stop and spell it out clearly instead: he is taking advantage of your vulnerability and need for affection. This isn't love, this is him taking advantage of you so you can do, from what it sounds, sexual favors for him. I know you don't like being at your parent's house, but if you value yourself you need to drop this "relationship". The reason why he said he likes you is because he found someone he can exploit freely without boundaries. It sounds like you already knew this though, but like you said, you're scared to let go of the comfort he brings you. It's okay to be scared, but this is something that will hurt you in the long run. I'm sorry anon, it sounds harsh but it's true. I just don't want you to be hurt like this, it made me sick reading what this man has done. The first step to healing is acknowledging the wrong that has been done to you, and then establishing boundaries so you won't be treated badly any more.
There are other ways you can escape your abusive
home environment without resorting to doing sexual favors for sick men like this. You said you're a legal adult, I don't know your situation, but do you think you can get a job or anything? It would help you save money to eventually leave this abusive
home. If you're doing schooling, maybe you could join a club or something of the sort to keep you out of the house.
Anon, have you looked into emergency housing? Or women's shelters? I don't know if that's a thing where you are, but if you haven't yet look into it. Getting out of your abusive
household is priority 1. I have no other advice because I think a professional should handle something as severe as this.
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How do I become more independent and depend less on other people emotionally? And maybe become less emotional overall?
I noticed most of my relationships tend to follow a similar pattern where, as time passes, I start feeling increasingly helpless and I start dumping my emotional problems on others and not think about whether it's their responsibility to solve them or not. The problem is, I always realize I'm doing this thing again after I have done it, not during (or before)
>become less emotional overall?
I've come to learn that there's no use fighting emotions. You cant force an unfeeling person to suddenly care about people. Likewise you cant force less emotion upon yourself when they spring forward uncontrollably.
Consider emotionality a part of your personality, but not who
you are. Emotions are something that happen to you, not the definition of you. If you want to make less of a burden on people, just try to process it first yourself before talking about it. For example: you're stressed and angry… Consider it as stress and anger happening
to you and try to take a deep breath and really thing about the source of these feelings. Then when you talk to someone about it, come to them with a path to a solution already in mind, so that they see that you're holding yourself up and don't expect them to do all the work. So next time something's pissing you off, it'll go something like "I've been feeling upset because of ____, and I really don't wanna feel this way and am trying to do something about it. I think talking things through with you helps a lot." This alone makes people want to support you more, when there's no hopelessness and complete dependency to your handling of problems.
I got into an accident a week ago that could very well have been deadly, or a least have crippled me: I could have lost an ear, an eye or both, fingers, toes, or could have gotten my neck slashed or literally any other body part, I could have had my skull cracked open. But instead I got unbelievably lucky and got away with only 50 stitches or so on fatty parts, not even a muscle or tendons were touched even though the cuts are really deep.
Since then I can't stop dwelling on it, I know I'm safe now but it was such incredible luck, I feel so thankful but I don't know what or who to thanks (apart from the people who were so quick to react and help me). I've never been religious or even spiritual, I'm not even superstitious, but I since the accident I have this feeling I can't shake that I owe something really big, and I have no idea how to repay it. I feel so insignificant, the whole thing is beyond me, I feel permanently on edge. What can I do?
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I desperately need to cut off a toxic group of friends. some of the group are fine as individuals, but their problem is they're gossipy and spineless when the bully ringleader is psychologically torturing people. I went through a really rough period in my life a few years ago where I was doing a lot of drugs, sleeping around, drinking to blackout, and was raped by an acquaintance, and he still likes to bring it up in really subtle ways to make me feel like shit, and makes jokes about my having been raped. I shouldn't have to put up with that, but I'm scared that if I cut them off obviously and antagonistically that he will tell everyone a lot of my deepest secrets (which he has found out from the other people in the group). I don't want to risk my boyfriend finding out about a lot of uncomfortable slutty stuff from my past, but I can't keep making myself miserable by hanging around with these people. how do I sever myself from them safely?
that’s a toughie anon, sorry you have to deal with this. In what circumstances are you interacting with these people? Are you studying/working together? If so try getting friendly with other members of your staff/cohort, maybe joint a club or sports team so that when you get some distance between yourself and these people, you’ll have other social groups to fall back on. If you hang out through other circumstances, just ease yourself out of the friend group or at the very least bail on plans that the ringleaders going to be at. I honestly wouldn’t bother with any of them at this point. Even the ones you were honest and vulnerable with aren’t worth the trouble, seeing as they’re the ones who spilled your secrets to this guy.
Now in terms of your boyfriend, it sucks but if you are worried about this guy spilling your details to him, I say tell him first. If you’re serious about you and your bf and having a future together it’s probably a conversation you’re going to have eventually. If he accepts your past that’s great, if he doesn’t then you don’t have to spend any more time worrying about how he’s going to react and the secrets hanging over your head. All the best.
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How do you deal with someone being constantly negative?
I have to live with my mother and can't move out due to high rent prices and because I lost my job a month ago. No matter what I do or don't I get shit from her and everything is always my fault even if I'm not at home. We almost don't communicate because she doesn't care about anything I have to say, only her own topics. It always been like thins but at least I had my father to talk to and kind of protected me from her. Now he's gone and I'm constantly targeted.
I'm always on edge because I never know what little thing will set her off. I dread any day that she's at home because I don't know what to do with myself or ehere to go so I don't trigger another tongue lashing.
The last two years have been shit in every way possible - lost my dad, uncle, best friend, fucked up my knee, lost my job, didn't get into the course I applied for and my mental health is far from stellar. Thought I'd get another piercing to distract and cheer myself up but now I can only think about how much shit I'll get from her if I do it. Or if I do/get anything that I like and she doesn't. I don't have the mental strength to do this anymore
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In HS my mom would get really wigged out about my exams & especially the AP tests and just could not stop herself from "checking in" five times a day and asking why I wasn't studying right that very second when I was trying to relax and de-stress myself.
I basically just started "going for a walk" whenever she started up like that because I couldn't handle her stressing me out about stuff that I was already stressed about. I would just stand up & out the door like "I'm going to CVS bye".
As a technique it works well because it reminds them that you don't HAVE to sit there while they talk. You are an adult who is allowed to do whatever. It's kind of like a reverse time-out: it's saying "If I can't deal with you, I'm going to remove myself for both our sakes." Just leave for like an hour or so, come back with nothing but a bottle of water or a packet of dried fruit (something mild & uncriticizable), or if there's no stores you can walk to, just collect some flowers & rocks or w/e. This is important to show that you aren't trying to "punish" them, you're just trying to stay sane for yourself and live your life.
They may go tf off when you come back, but you can just go right out again. When you walk out the door, and they're left alone in a silent house, they can't help but feel bad for driving you away. Unless they're a full on narc but in that case it's hopeless anyway and you just have to get out.
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How about a custom handmade plaid from Etsy in her favourite/interior colours and maybe her name? I think that's super cozy during fall/winter on the couch with a good book.
Nonas, I need your advice/thoughts.
The cliché reddit reply to what I’m going to describe would be "get new friends". I’m in my late 20s, I work a 60 hour week and I have a hard time connecting with people, so that’s not really an option which is why I think you guys will understand me better.
All my attempted acts of kindness, favors and communal contributions seem to either get overlooked or taken for granted – not by toxic friends who never have a good thing to say about anyone, but by friends who actually always tell each over how much they appreciate them and their contributions to the friend group. Just not me.
This has been happening for years now. At first, I thought it’s because I’m not being grateful enough myself, so I’ve been making a conscious effort to express my (honest) positive feelings towards others for almost 5 years now. I’m glad I did it, because it’s a positive change, but it didn’t improve my situation at all.
I don’t want to be that person who passive-aggressively goes on and on about the things they did nobody ever asked them to do expecting praise – everyone else in my friend group gets the appreciation unprompted. Of course I don’t do nice things to get a pat on the back. But it does sting when you watch someone get showered in appreciation for the same thing you did two weeks ago without anyone noticing.
If there wasn’t such a culture of borderline excessive appreciation in my friend group, I honestly wouldn’t mind. I’d simply do the things I do not expecting anything in return. It’s the fact that I’m being treated differently, not the lack of appreciation itself, that bothers me.
So far, I came up with four possible explanations for why this is happening:
1. It’s all in my head, my perception is skewed and I instantly forget when somebody is appreciative of something I did. I really tried to pay attention to that throughout the past months. It might not be as extreme as I think, but I don't think I'm completely making it up – though I can’t say for sure.
2. I don’t do nearly as much as I think I do / everyone else does far more and I’m too self-centered to notice
3. For some reason, people don’t notice the things I do / I’m „invisible“
And 4. – the worst option – they do see what I do and they are low-key annoyed by it, think I’m a pushover or simply don’t like me. I’ve been bullied in the past and I tend to be the "nobody’s best friend"-friend in every social setting, so I guess that’s a very real possibility. I just don’t know what to do if that’s the case.
Well, anon, I'm going to say that it's not just in your head, at all. I'm going to take your word that you show your gratitude when needed, and that you are overlooked in the group. There's a reason you feel that way! The best way to find out, imo, is to talk to them. If they are being evasive, try to make you feel that it's all in your head (again, this), or attempt to make you think you're somehow not doing it right, kinda like the poster above, well… I'll be blunt with you: they may be treating you differently on purpose, so that you notice, get the hint and stop bothering them. I know it sucks, and it may not be your fault at all - you simply don't belong in that group, and vice versa, that group is not for you! I know you are concerned about being friendless, but is the current state really the way to go?
Focus on yourself. It will be hard at first, but use your free time, as little as it is, to pick up a hobby. You will meet people, eventually. But you have some growing up to do, so focus on yourself first. It's not that bad being alone. Being alone is not the same as being lonely; I would feel more lonely being surrounded by people who make me feel less worthy than what I know I am …
Hi, I have a question.
How would you deal with people who put down others in a subtle way to feel better about their lack of productivity, are irresponsible messes and lack maturity?
I have met some people like this (3 people or so) and, logically, I don't get close to them on my own. But sometimes they are part of a much larger group of acquaintances or friends, so I have to interact with them.
I have always thought I could handle them, but I usually get played by them and, honestly, it's impossible to deal with these types. You may think they are stupid and you can control them, but they are very clever and have ways to mess with you and manage to paint themselves as victims at the end of it all. They have been irresponsible inmature people for a long time, so they know what they're doing!
The worst part is that you can't really talk to the rest of the group about it, because that person is friends with everyone (even if they are not well-liked or popular) and usually people don't like it when you talk badly about people in their group.
I guess the way to deal with those situations would be:
1. avoid underestimating them, even if they act like three year old toddlers.
2. ignoring them completely and refusing to help them/hang out with them (by making excuses) even if it's just something small.
Any other tips, anons? Wanna share your experiences and how you dealt with them?
Examples of their behaviour would be:>showing them your work (for example, a video or drawing you made) and them saying: "oh, that's nothing".>telling them nicely you wrote some fanfiction not long ago and them asking if it was a "fanfic or a badfic".>asking for something, and the moment you don't give it to them, they throw a tantrum and get pissed off.>taking advantage of others' help.>cancel a meeting last minute when you already got to the meeting place.>not being responsible for their mistakes and making up half-assed excuses.>thinking the world revolves around them.>trying to gaslight you or your group of friends into thinking they are the victims and you are the one at fault whenever you fight with them.
Last example is the one that worries me the most, because I always end up getting pissed off at these types of people, so I call them out for it. Then, they try to gaslight our common friends into thinking they are innocent and I'm the bad guy. It's awful. I just want to know how to handle these people, because even tho they usually act stupid and are very inmmature, they know how to mess with you. I guess ignoring them it's the way, no matter what, even if you pity them or whatever, just don't pay attention to them at all.
Fuck I just remembered today I dreamed everyone hated me and today was also the day I confronted the moid that behaves just like this. Maybe it's a premonition. oh god, why.
Family dynamics and social norms vary so much that it's hard to just outright judge, what country are you in?
I haven't cuddled my brother since before either of us entered puberty I think.
A tip if you end up buying one: after using it (only on the lower half of my legs, it's what I can tolerate), I like to put some rubbing alcohol on a cotton pad, you know the round, flat ones, and press it gently over the traumatized area, all over. I find this helps with the stinging, and it makes sense to do it since the pores are open from the hairs being plucked. Oh, and I only ever use it after a shower, I find that to be the most effective. Also second the fact that Braun is a good brand, I have had mine for some time and it works well.
I don't wear make up and I don't know shit about it, I'm not even sure what a foundation is supposed to do. I wore make up like four times in my entire life and it was always made by someone else, and I always had allergic reactions afterwards, like red rash under my eyes and on my cheeks. Besides, my face is neotenous and kinda androgynous, and I thought that I looked like a young boy trying to look like a female kek. I literally felt that I looked like a tranny. I looked more femininine without all that stuff on my face. Maybe the people who made my make up werent't skilled enough to know what fits my features, idk. I don't plan on learning how to do make up myself, but if I ever wanted to wear it for some special ocassion, should I just go to a professional make up artist? If they use hypoallergenic producs on me, is there still a risk of getting an allergic reaction? I don't like the idea of testing shit on my face, but at the same time I want to know what I look like with professional make up that's appropiate for my features,
Some siblings are super close. It's rare imo but if it feels normal between you two then I think it's okay.
However, I've read a shit-ton of moids posting about how they're close with their sister(s) and even 'minor' things like cuddling (like just chilling on the couch) turns them on. Or they'll stare through shirts with no bras under. When they playfight, how they look post-shower in a towel, etc. They turn everything sexual. Unless you're 1000% sure your brother is not like this, be careful.
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can you get over being emotionally unavailable without therapy? like are there any books or exercises or whatever you could read/do to get over it? i'm thinking that maybe this is my issue and the reason why i can't form any meaningful relationships. i'm almost 30, never been in a relationship, nothing sexual at all ever. my father left the family when i was like 9 or 10 and he completely rejected me in favor of his 'freedom' after breaking up with my mom. eventually he ghosted me completely, didn't hear from him for years. i only develop silly impossible crushes (fictional characters, actors/actresses, unattainable people like mentors or much older people), when someone shows interest in me i immediately get turned off - especially when it comes to men because being with a man would involve sex and sex could lead to pregnancy and no. i'd rather be with a woman but i can't even get that to happen, the idea of opening up to someone just absolutely kills me. i can barely form any friendships past 'we have fun hanging out'. i never cried in someone else's arms or anything, it just feels like too much. i can barely get the words out when i open up to my mother (which never happens these days). when people text me if i'm available i only reply like hours later because they never specify what they wanna do and when and it makes me feel like i have no control over the situation. extra cringe: i was in an internet relationship with a woman like ten years ago but she was super toxic and manipulative and it fucked me up like crazy. after we broke up, i dated another girl over the internet but i just couldn't really 'love' her, i just knew that she liked me and i wanted to 'have' her because who else would want me? so eventually i broke up with her as well because the thought of saying 'i love you' to her made me feel sick. i generally form better relationships with online friends and i don't mind them translating to irl (i happened to move to the same city as an online friend i made 10 years ago and we hang out regularly irl) but when i meet people irl and get along with them, it always stays superficial and 'professional'. very often i lose touch with friends i hung out with a lot and it doesn't even bother me or i don't even notice until months later.
i just feel like i'm absolutely fucked in the relationship department. what do?
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This might kind of dumb, but i wanna see what some nonnas think. I have this old harajuku lovers bag, back from when i was really young. I have a lot of problems with harajuku lovers, but i still do like the bag because its simple and spacious. Should i use it? Honestly, i am worried what others would think too.
The bag looks like this but its all grey, and the girls are just outlines in yellow and pink.
Thanks for the responses everyone, they were really helpful and I have a better idea of what I want to buy. It's so overwhelming to browse through even just a dozen options when those all have a handful of fancy functions each.>>211486Oof
. I've never waxed but I used to painstakingly pluck, now I'm not sure if getting all of it out with an epilator at once would hurt less or more.
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I don't know how to deal with these emotions about my mother. I have no one to talk to about this except here. How do you even tell anyone you and your mother have a weird relationship? Yesterday, we had a family gathering so I had to be there too, I was sitting with my mom, I missed her. But she kept trying to kiss me, like, kiss my neck in front of everyone. I felt so embarrassed and her hand was so close to my crotch. I felt like I was being groped the whole time. I told her to cut it off multiple times till I made up a reason to get up. I felt icked. This is obviously not the first and last time she's done similar things. Now that I've been away, I don't know to to think about it. I don't know how to think about her touches and kisses sometimes, sometimes they even make me cry because I feel so bad. I think she can't let me be an adult, she said so herself she still thinks of me as a little kid. And it's not like I don't reciprocate because our relationship was or has been very touchy. I would still straddle her when I was a teen and we would cuddle all the time, hands all over, I'd stuff my face in her bust. And it's not like I hated it, I didn't. I don't know what to feel about it now. No one else I know was like that with their mom till their late teens like I was. But, maybe it could be I'm growing up so I feel a little awkward about it how young adults do and it's normal? I don't have a father who I could really compare my relationship to and I can't really ask anyone. I just need some advice on how to process these feelings, or how to even think about it. Am I overreacting? If so, some advice on how to stop overthinking about this?
>>211791> I don't know how to think about her touches and kisses sometimes, sometimes they even make me cry because I feel so bad.
Have some self respect anon, stand up for yourself. You're allowed to be angry that she doesn't listen when you say no, when you're uncomfortable. Why are you sacrificing your own peace of mind so she doesn't feel bad? She clearly doesn't care about making you feel bad.
Just because you "reciprocated" in the past - because you're obviously her child who enjoys touch and intimacy - DOESN'T mean you're not allowed to say no!
You highkey sound like you're being molested and think it's normal because she's doing it in plain sight of others. And I'm not one of those "every hug longer than 2 seconds is child abuse" people at all, but the guilt and shame you're describing is more than just growing pains awkwardness.
Why would you kiss your daughter on the neck of all places though and repeatedly put your hand near her crotch? This isn't just pulling someone into a normal hug. Maybe
the hand positioning was unfortunate in this instance but either way it's totally unacceptable for her mom to be all over her like this, especially when she's explicitly told her to stop.
I really don't want to believe she's consciously doing it to make me feel bad. Despite sometimes getting uncomfortable when she touches me too much, rubbing my thighs and stomach too the point I would intentionally sit as far away from her as I could. She even implies sometimes I actually come to her to get kissed and stuff and it makes me second guess my feelings even more. And her constantly calling us a couple and how romantic we are. I don't know what she thinks at all. >>211829
I believe this too. She says stuff like this sometimes. I'd ask her to stop touching my ass and she would get offended and say my butt is her butt or something like that and that she as a mother, is allowed to touch me. It makes me think she can't let go of kid-me. Though she isn't like this with my sister at all. It's not like she's actively evil. And I really love her a lot. I feel like I'm overblowing just one singular aspect of our relationship.
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>>211857>And her constantly calling us a couple and how romantic we are
Oh God. Honestly I wish I could agree with other anon and say she's just seeing you as a little kid but no. Nope nope nope. It's not normal to say you're dating your kid, at any age.
Is she gay/bi anon? You mention you don't have a father so assuming she's single? It sounds like she's using you as a surrogate girlfriend she can get her intimacy fix from, and doesn't care how it affects you.
This is narcissist behaviour. Do you often find her telling you your feelings/instincts are wrong and to listen to her instead? Does picrel sound familiar? If so you need plenty of distance to think things through.
I'm not saying she's a serial killer, but listen to your gut anon. You know she's hurting you by crossing your boundaries. This whole "maybe I'm over exaggerating idk" when describing these twisted things she's doing… I feel so bad for you. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES.
This is too difficult for me to think about, anon. I've always known my mom has some narc tendencies, but not full blown. And it's not just me but my sister also agrees, she just never seems to think beyond what she feels and nothing is ever her fault. >Is she gay/bi anon? You mention you don't have a father so assuming she's single?
No, she's homophobic if anything. But she has always been single after my dad and I also feel like thay plays a part because my dad left shortly before I was born. It's not like I always hate to be touched by her. I love hugging her and stuff, I just don't like when it turns too much for me. She's too possessive over my body.
I just want to say, I don't want to villanize her or anything. She's done all she could to raise me and I know she loves me a lot. And it's just hard and it makes me feel fucked when I feel uncomfortable by her because I really don't want to. I think I am going to be keeping some distance from her like I have been and try to deal with these confusing stuff. I'll take your advice anon, thank you.
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I want my pussy eaten by my man, but my guard is so fucking up it's unbelievable. How do I lower my guard enough to let him please me sexually? How do I stop feeling like my sexual self is gross and being embarrassed by the thought of him looking at my pussy never mind tasting it? How do I gain the courage to ask if he's been thinking of doing it or if he wants to? How
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is there a way to get over someone you're close to without cutting them out of your life? I have feelings for my friend (who is also my ex technically, but from years ago) but he just started dating someone who he seems to really like. I didn't think it would bother me so much but hearing him talk about her is painful and it's making me ruminate over ways in which I wasn't good enough as a girlfriend and kick myself for being too young and stupid when we got together to know how to maintain a relationship maturely. I don't want to be selfish and bitter but I also don't like the idea of distancing myself, but again maybe that is coming from a selfish place. help me nonnies I'm in a weird amount of pain
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Never read Dworkin eh?
it's fine if you're mature and keep boundaries. IMO especially if you're in a relationship, you should keep your ex at a tiny bit more distance than other friends. Context of your relationship also matters
I'm still friends with an ex I had years back who I had a healthy relationship with but we just weren't compatible. Both of us are in a relationship and don't care and don't flirt or anything and he's actually help me fix my car a few times, on the other hand there's exes I have who I couldn't possibly be friends with due to their toxicity. If you guys were together in high school then being friends would be a big no no
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How can I stop being on autopilot all the time and get rid of my useless habits like watching mildly entertaining Youtube videos or scrolling social media? I want to fill my life with more meaningful habits like reading and want to start drawing again but every day after work I automatically lie down in bed and just watch stupid videos until I fall asleep and then rinse and repeat every day
Listen to people and try to get into their shoes. Imagine yourself in that same situation, feeling those emotions and how would you internally feel, most likely is that you'd act like them.
There are a lot of ted talks on this, and I've found that listening to podcasts is cool too. You have to learn about people's life stories
Does anyone know a good way to get over the pain of when close friends, ones you really care about, ghosted you or when you "weren't enough" for them?
I lost a couple of people over the years who I mostly interacted with online because we lived a long distance away but we knew each other in person too and spent quite a bit of time together irl together. I thought we were close friends and I knew them each for a number of years. One completely disappeared, deleted all of her online accounts and changed her number, not just for me but all of our mutuals too and I have no idea why and could never get in contact no matter how I tried. One I guess I wasn't enough for friendship wise and she just deleted me off all her accounts with no explanation after almost a decade of being friends but when I discovered this I also saw she is still friends with a lot of people she told me she had problems with?
That all happened a few years ago but now it's starting to happen again with a couple of my current close friends (all in the same group) and I feel really sensitive about it because of what happened before. Same situation, we mostly interact online because we live a long distance away from each other but that never made us feel less close and we always had time for each other. But in this past year it felt like they cared about me less and less and no matter what I do, I am just forgotten unless I really try to initiate us spending time together. No matter how I try to keep our friendship going, it is clear to me it has become one sided with only me making an effort.
While I get friends moving on is a thing that happens (we are all in our late 20's/30's), it hurts a lot because I love these people dearly and feel really left behind because I care about them and love having them in my life. We didn't even have a falling out or even an argument in any of these situations so it is really hard for me to understand and process this sort of thing happening. I hate how my self worth is really affected by this happening almost as much as I hate losing them. I do have a couple close friends who being with helps and have busied myself with the recommended "find hobbies" and "plan things with other friends" but I just can't seem to get over what happened and still think of them weekly, even if I try not to. With this happening in my current close friend group, it bothers me daily despite me trying to not let it because it is clear they are becoming more distant with me.
Sorry, this was pretty long and rambly. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I just feel really lost and lonely.
For me, I don't really "get over" it, it just takes time to convince myself that they're no longer my friends, and it's no longer my business to care for them.
My current close friend has this bad habit of constantly checking social media of their exfriends too. I'm not sure if they ever got rid of that habit, but now they seemed to join a new online community that is really welcome of them, my friend never mentioned to me about the exfriends again.
I'm one of those type of friend that tends to ghost though.. My mental health has been jackshit ever since the beginning of the pandemic and I couldn't stop cutting myself off people one by one. I think like… sometimes you gotta accept that people are going to be self-destructive no matter how good and kind they had appealed to you. As long as you continue to open yourself up to the right person, and respect their boundaries when they need space, that will make you a good friend. Life is long and people come and leave, it fucking hurts every time, and it's also part of the journey.
It sounds like you have an avoidant way of dealing with things in general and that's often an issue, but in this case.. you're entitled to just blank and avoid these people and offer no explanation at all. It might be the best option.
If you were assaulted and those women couldn't even treat that with the response it warrants at the time (when it was most important)… you don't owe them your time or energy at a later date if they happen to wake up or feel bad. I'd keep ignoring. Worst case scenario is if you reply they'll still be defending shit scrotes.
Sounds weird, but it was something he did. I had repressed it in my head for so long until the beginning of this year when I started questioning it. I never thought I had been sexually harassed until I remember that moment in my life. I stopped talking to him entirely because of that but I am still angry since he is still friends with a lot of girls who he has done that to because I can feel I was not the only one.>>213270
I rather just be blank, already good thing I do not use social media all that much. They know because we talked about how weird it was years ago but brushed it aside since we were all friends. It hurts but I rather take out the toxins in my life since I rather not deal with any of them trying to defend either bf or piece of shit "friend" if I happen to do choose to bring it up. I feel like they are too close for them to just have me avoid them and I would instead need to put up and shut up…
Do you really want them over or did they suggest it and now you feel rude if you don't make it happen? If you make a pros and cons list is it worth the hassle?
My first place was a studio and I think the only people I had over were people I was sleeping with.. because sitting on my bed or getting into my bed were about all you could do there anyway lol
I think if someone lives in a cramped space then friend groups should stick to hanging out in the better suited homes (and you can bring along something for them to say thanks for hosting) or you meet somewhere public if covid allows. I just think it's awkward when you're happily living in your space and then you're suddenly hit with this pressure to get it up to scratch to entertain people. It's a studio, I'd argue that it's just not meant for that> there's nowhere they could sit
Anything you buy to fix this issue will become clutter you have to live with afterwards. You say you're minimilistic at the moment, that's ideal in a studio.
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First off, fuck Pinterest and tumblr. They don't reflect you, they influence you. And in the shittiest, most bland ways possible. Don't ever look at those sites for inspiration, it's millennials and drunk moms who think the world didn't exist until 15 years ago.
Find something that interests you, anon. For instance, I like astronomy and space, so I've got two prints hanging on my wall: one's a poster of an observatory, the other is a photograph of a moonrise.
If you wanna be frugal but adorable, find a glass jar of something in your fridge. Whatever's in it can be transferred into tupperware, hopefully. Clean the jar, and throw your pencils and pens in it and set it on your desk. Bookshelves I prefer to keep free of shit because it gets in the way of the books. If it's short enough that you can put something on the top, go check out thrift stores for something decorative that interests you. Shopgoodwill has pretty cool shit (I've been looking for jewelry boxes on there).
Hi anon - weedchan here. Taking my 4th attempt to quit since Oct and I'm on day 3. I'm an ADHD brain with trauma and asthma… Since going into isolation, I just can't stop. Regardless of the fact I'm now expelling more and more brown speckled phlegm, I keep failing and smoking because I'm uber dependant, and my man (chron) has it in the house. I don't wanna stop his access because it keeps him regulated and chill… Not ideal but we make due.
It's hard to go 7 days in an environment that smokes or has legal access. 3 days ago I downloaded an app called sobertime because I was needing something constant. Something attached to my phone/dopemine addiction. It has a community board where no addiction is too small (an issue when people don't think weed addiction is a real thing) and it's really supportive and chill. No politics, you can see how others are doing it. I'm noticing that recovery and Jesus are a tight combo but it's not too dominant.
I feel this has given me the most faith and strength that I can stop - even though my life is literally falling around me.
Good luck anon!! You can do it - you will feel the power in your moves once you give yourself the chance.
Sorry I forgot the question though! For Symptoms, reduce with healthy new habits, great food and nutrients, healthy rewards, endorphins, dopemine, dedicated self care, support groups, celebrate small milestones in a fun bonding way, CBD, exercise, remembering why you're quitting, thinking of what you will gain by quitting …
I'm still learning but those seem to have helped me in the past.
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Honestly you shouldn't need to do too much. If you are on a budget, definitely check out goodwill or other available thrift stores near you. FB marketplace and other local sale communities might be helpful too if you live in a decent sized city. If you'd rather spend the cash and have it delivered though, amazon and ikea is fine too.
Tbh, all you'd really need is a decent small table, a couple chairs (ones that can slide under the table or stack/fold are ideal), maybe a rug, a throw, some pillows and a few art pieces or something to hang on the wall? Just some stuff to create some visual interest and offer seating and soft/comforting textures. If you have a decent window, you can grab a few succulents for very cheap at most grocery stores even. Very easy to care for and are cute to look at/liven up a space. Good luck anon!
a) you don't know her reasons for blocking you so you don't know how it reflects on you
b) someone blocking you who isn't even a friend of yours shouldn't matter to you and not take up mental space
If you're that upset over someone who's basically a stranger to you, blocking you online, perhaps you should take a break from social media. Clearly it's not good for you.
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Genuine question from a socially awkward autist: are there any good resources on just…how to have conversations/how to socialize?
I find that it's very hard for me to keep conversations flowing and I also have difficulties sharing stuff in an interesting way. Conversations usually die very quickly because I don't know what to ask. I also have trepidations about opening up and have a tendency to feel intruded upon when people ask me perfectly nice questions. Also I noticed I have a tendency during conversations to just focus on my own ongoing anxiety and it's hard to focus on the other person. I want to learn how to make people feel good when they talk to me and leave with the impression that I am an interesting person.
Would that famous Dale Carnegie book help me or is that just a meme?
i'm only the second anon. and how was>Find something that interests you, anon. For instance, I like astronomy and space, so I've got two prints hanging on my wall: one's a poster of an observatory, the other is a photograph of a moonrise.>If you wanna be frugal but adorable, find a glass jar of something in your fridge. Whatever's in it can be transferred into tupperware, hopefully. Clean the jar, and throw your pencils and pens in it and set it on your desk. Bookshelves I prefer to keep free of shit because it gets in the way of the books. If it's short enough that you can put something on the top, go check out thrift stores for something decorative that interests you. Shopgoodwill has pretty cool shit (I've been looking for jewelry boxes on there).
not advice? i genuinely don't see why that post is causing huge reactions
A mid-late twenties guy trying to date what he thinks is a minor/high schooler is malicious.
Anyway if you don't wanna be straight with him tell him "I'm not allowed to hang out with old (kek) guys" next time he tells you to text him.
Late reply but I know from experiences when I was younger that I'd automatically turn on this 'lets not hurt his feelings' filter. It only prolongs things. It plays into what they want. Turn that filter off and say what you truly think. He won't like it but the alternative is him harassing you and not giving a damn about how you must feel.
The last time a guy (about 15 years my senior) wanted to randomly give me his phone number I was like.. why the fuck would I ever want that? Why should we hold back on that dose of reality? If you feel safe then be direct. Anything less than that leaves room for them to somehow imagine you're being receptive. Be very clear, then if you need anyone to step in and help you later on you can tell them you were clear and that there was no room for a misunderstanding. Men like that prey on our tendancy to 'save their feelings' and be vague and polite when we actually want to scream oh hell no I don't want you.
I got out at 19 because the dynamic at home had always been unhealthy and had given me these (probably lifelong) issues with anxiety and self esteem. I never regretted it. I felt ill prepared and scared and broke when I got out but I had to get out. I've been nearly homeless a couple times and I chose to risk that rather than falling back on them. Getting out of there opened my eyes to how bad it had been and how much my issues were caused by environment. Living other places showed me how much my home life hadn't been 'the norm'
To an extent you do carry damage around with you. Depending on what happened at home… it does still find ways to manifest, low moods, impulse control, addiction, things like that you have to learn to manage when you're out on your own. Moving out is only the very beginning of healing from it. You have to set things in place to look after yourself and create a life for yourself that's on your terms.
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How did you avoid homelessness each time? I'm worried that might be an issue in the near future and I don't have an older sibling to ask these kinds of questions, sorry.
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Is something like this considered granny panties? what kind of panties are considered granny panties? Before i just thought they were the high waisted type.
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lmao no. picrel is a granny panty
Nta but I never buy panties in that style because I find them too skimpy to not just ride up all day anyway, to me they're nearly as bad as thongs. I don't quite wear granny panties either but there's a whole seperate level that exists inbetween >>216071
and actual granny panties.
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So I ghosted literally all of my friends because I have an emotional intimacy/avoidance problem. One of them had her birthday last week and I thought about calling her but the idea of it stressed me out so I didn't. But still I feel like it would be the right thing to do. I just don't know what I should say. I ghosted her before multiple times before and each time I apologized and explained that my tendency to isolate is like an addiction that I'm trying to fight but always seem to fall back. If I called her and she would ask about it I could only repeat myself once more like a broken record. This is the longest period that I ghosted her (several months).
Should I call her, wish her a belated happy birthday and just deal with the probable awkwardness? It feels like the right thing to do, because it's the opposite of avoidance but I'm just afraid of her reaction
I've planned to change my behavior every single time I reconnected with someone. I'm not hurting people on purpose, I just get triggered
and turn to self-defense mode. And I did get help, I've been in therapy for multiple years
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Sigh, gonna need you all to be real with me. So I’m invited to this baby shower, and I’m very not big on kids, ESPECIALLY babies. Like don’t get me wrong I’ll show up, be happy for her and do the aaawwss and ooooo’s but that’s it. Now they want me to join in on the planning and I can’t for the life of me think of a polite way to say no without sounding like the biggest downer. Am I being immature and dramatic and should I just suck it up?
It’s probably not a big deal but all this baby shit just gives me so much anxiety Jesus fuck
If you dislike parts of yourself, it's really not best to display that in front of your children. I understand that parents are people and have insecurities, but my mom talking so badly about her body when she's a legitimate hourglass and thin made me feel like it is okay to hate myself. As your kid gets older, I think it's okay to talk more about those things, but at the beginning of puberty and as a kid, I don't think it's a good idea.
I also suggest if you have any serious mental illness to get it treated, but I understand if that is not an option.
Hi Lolcow, wondering how to go about this. I can't really afford gifts for my family this Xmas. I have 4 adult siblings and I have to spend on my boyfriend's parents because I live in their house, so the guilt is tremendous.l I've spent a lot of money lately paying my medical bills and I feel like I can't justify spending more. I do have an okay, decent amount of savings, but I really don't make that much (40k per year, no benefits). I'm really embarrassed because I've asked some of them what they want via text already, but I'm thinking of group texting everyone and apologizing and explaining that I cannot afford to get them gifts due to my medical bills. Is that shitty of me? Is this a cause worth dipping into savings for? I pay for all the food in the 4-person household I live in and they like to eat expensively (no repeat meals, that kind of thing). I feel bad because I know this is selfish.
To add to this situation, my parents have said they'd pay for my medical bills, but they want to do it through their HSA which they can't figure out and I don't want to be in debt so I've just paid off the medical bills. They are a bit burnt over this and they say they'll pay anyway, but it seems like they are upset and I really would rather just pay it myself instead of shouldering this drama. It frustrates me because they act like they'd have paid if I didn't pay it myself, but I sent them photos of all the bills, and they never did anything. I have tried to explain I don't want to get into debt when I don't even have a credit card so I know my credit score is not great, but they tell me I'm overreacting. I just feel so stressed.
>>216672>Am I being immature and dramatic and should I just suck it up?
Just say no, you don't owe them your time and energy. Sticking up for yourself is the mature thing to do.>>216685
Gifts are a luxury, can't you see how saying it's selfish you can't afford them after paying f-ing medical bills is ridiculous? dumbass.
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Anons help me, I can't decide if the following idea is a rational and empathetic one or a completely irrational one that I'm having because I'm limerent/obsessed with this person:
I've been at a new workplace for a few months and developed a crush on a coworker who's also a supervisor to me. During the calls we took we talked both about work and not work related stuff and got to know him somewhat well. In the beginning I haven't noticed anything strange other than him being dehydrated and drinking a lot during our meetings but did not think much of it. After 2 months passed, he starts acting hot and cold, cranky/friendly completely on random and once even slammed a call on me. After a day where he messaged me in work chat saying that he's feeling dreadful and calling sick it became obvious that he has an alcohol problem. I don't know when it started but the last 2 weeks it's been spiraling out of control. We don't have friendly non-work related chats anymore and even in the ones that are strictly work related he's slurring his words, jumping from one thing to another and can barely hold himself together and pay attention. It's breaking my fucking heart.
The idea in question: I'm thinking about calling him or reaching out to him on social media maybe on the weekend and telling him that I noticed these signs and worried and it's horrible to see how a wonderful and intelligent person like him is destroying himself.
Point of doubt: I'm not sure if he feels as close to me as I feel to him (probably not). During our calls sometimes I felt like he might be interested in me but I might have been just projecting, I've always been shit at social interactions and gauging people. I just want to help him in some way but not sure what I can do. I can't stop stalking his social media and wondering what a different person he might have become if he hasn't had developed this problem. Also I just can't stop thinking and fantasizing about him, period
Don't go near an alcoholic workmate, don't date him, don't befriend him, don't overstep the mark and start confronting him about his addiction. You will not be thanked for it. Showing empathy (they see it as weakness) for male alcos always backfires spectacularly. He will either rage out at you or will take advantage of you. He's fucked and it's his own job to hit his rock bottom and change when he feels like it. You can't do shit for him but either enable him or take his rage tbh.
Stay clear of actively addicted scrotes. You have to emotionally detach from this. > he starts acting hot and cold, cranky/friendly completely on random and once even slammed a call on me.
If he does this at work then he'd be a full on wife beater behind closed doors. Guarantee it. Male alcoholics aren't cutesy little victims
who fell on hard times and need love. Treat him as dangerous and interact with him as little and as 'purely professional' as possible. A man with poor impulse control, poor emotional regulation, poor decision making, poor consideration of others, you will get hurt if you dare to try and help.
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Nonnas I could really use some advice… I know this is retarded af but basically I've discovered FDS and radical feminism like a year ago and its been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it freed me from a lot of shit, helps me navigate this society easier and revealed me men's true nature but also sort of a curse because now I know my dream relationship is almost impossible.
Like, ideally when I'll be in my late 20s-30s I'd love to find a High Value man to eventually marry, have a kid or two and just be in a normal, 100% monogamous relationship where he isn't interested into porn or other women but only me, no weird kink… Idk it feels natural if I'm in love with someone, to want to cherish them, not do degrading/hurting stuff in bed, be exclusive and plan some sort of future together but I know that today's porn culture added to centhuries-long patriarchy make it almost impossible to find a man w a similar mindset. I haven't had a bf in a few years now and my job, friends and hobbies make me super happy but idk I guess I'm just a huge sap because I terribly miss that kind of faithful, stable romantic love in my life. I swear I feel fucking tricked, growing up with the fairytale princess romance trope and now knowing reality is that bad. Like for the past few weeks I've litteraly bawled my eyes out after reading some historical romance/fluffy fanfic because I know I'll never get to experience that with a long term partner.
Do I decide to remain celibate forever and masturbate/have one night stands ? Or do I find a HV bf and invest time and energy into a relationship that will eventually end in 5, 10, 20 years? Again sorry I know this is cringe but I just feel very depressed about that
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First relationship & we met on Tinder. I'm a current freshman in college & he's a junior. I might have rushed into it a little fast — he was my first date ever on Tinder and we just clicked when it came to things (we were basically a little too similar), and I dunno after like a few days after meeting him I think I implied exclusivity and now we're exclusive? He called me his girlfriend, and I mean I guess it stuck..
It's been about a little over a month now, and what we've been doing consists mostly of me letting him use my guest meals (lol) and occasionally going over to his to watch something once a week and occasional sleepovers with cuddling, & 3rd base is the furthest we've gone.
Thing is, I've never really felt certain. I can see a future with him, but I just don't feel… excited about it.
He's nice and all, but I don't know what I want right now. I don't feel experienced enough in college itself to spend my freshman year spending my Saturday nights doing Netflix and Chill. I feel so materialistic/shitty, especially since I don't even have a car nor my own place (next year!), but that's also a driving factor for me not feeling entirely ready anymore.
He sounds weirdly 'low effort' for such an early stage of dating. This is the stage where you usually get the most effort put into taking you interesting places and doing more than just hanging out at home. Where's the excitement? No wonder you've lost interest already. I'm older so nowadays I like comfy but at your age and a month in.. this is just lazy on his part.
My first 'relationship' lasted a similar length of time and had similar issues.. we never really did much. He stayed over at the weekend and we messed around a bit but I never took it to full sex, thankfully. tbh I usually don't even count him when I'm listing off my past relationships. It ended before it even started because he skipped the dating part and just got too boring and comfortable right off the bat. At 19 if you've never dated before you're being robbed of all the excitement there should be around dating. That and he's just ticking off all the sex bases with minimal effort. If you're not feeling it get out before it escalates to sex. You won't feel too used then. He could very well be using you given he's not taking you out much. That's a bad sign.
Fine. If you want some real advice here it goes:
What the fuck is a "High Value" man, anyway?
No, seriously. I think you're very conflicted/scared because you yourself don't have a good idea about what kind of man you're into.
You want someone who's not into porn, will be a good father/husband, will be your prince charming..? That's not a person, that's a Hodge podge of "ideal man" and "basic courtesy" traits you've assembled over the years. The reality that even if you were looking for a woman, you would be having a hard time finding the one for you. Because you're wasting time trying to find the perfect person from the get go rather than actually connecting with someone, and growing your life with them organically. There is no one perfect out there. You're just gonna have to meet and know someone who's charming enough that you care to handle them at their worst.
Go out and meet people, use feminism to identify red flags, and then put your best foot forawrd and start living your goddamn life.
I have been! Finals have taken a chunk out of me though.>>216801
He's taken me out to actual dates thrice out of… perhaps the other 10 times we've hung out (that he basically considers a date), but I see, thats also how I felt although I just wasn't sure if I was justified in that area considering the fact that it's my first relationship & I don't know where I stand value-wise. >>216802
You're right… I feel guilty but how might I approach perhaps breaking it off with him?
He's genuinely nice, and I think he's emotionally invested in me, since I'm his first relationship in a while since college. I've kept up a kind of engaging exterior till now, but I don't know – I was thinking perhaps just going at it bluntly and saying that I might've rushed into things too fast, and that the year gap between us is something I can't stomach after thinking about it.
It's just, I'm involved in a ridiculous amount of extracurriculars and we're both engineering majors, so I feel like both of our times could be used towards something more productive.
You do realize that the TV version of abusers isn't real, right? They're not always drunk deadbeats in days old stained clothing. They can be charming, intelligent, interesting, and polite. The only difference between them and normal people is that they will flip flop between their nice phase and monster phase.
That's why a lot of people in abusive
relationships get stuck in them. They think the next honeymoon phase is their partners finally being "fixed" and "returning back to who they used to be".
Please read up more on the subject or at least watch an essay about it. I understand that you want to help a person, but it's not your job to help him out.
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Is it ok to cut ties with your little brother? We're from a dysfunctional family and as far as I can remember he's always been either angry or indifferent towards me, and since he became a preteen(?) I think he's always been alternating phases where he's nice and we get to bond and have fun and then he starts mocking me, calling me names (like obese, even though I'm normal weight, whore etc..) even hit me sometimes since he's 15 now he became stronger than me. I have a job but have to live w my dad because of financial issues after my parent's divorce so I only see my brother on weekends, but I swear it drains me and I always end up feeling like shit. My mom basically gave up on his education and my dad tries to have authority but most of the time indulges him bc he's afraid of losing him or something. I've tried countless times to get my dad to help but he wants me to be as kind as possible and not answer when he insults me to keep him as calm as possible (obvs doesn't work). So when I stand up for myself my dad says I'm the one who's always provoking him and defends him.
So it's been a few monthes I've been completely ignoring him, I never go see him, don't reply when he texts, and on weekends I act as if he wasn't there, don't even say hi/bye. My dad says I'm breaking the family unity and I have to help him but it's not my fault if my parents have always been dysfunctional. Also I've been thru a lot of tough shit aside from home like school bullying and sexual assault but I've never been such an asshole to anyone, in fact I have a sister 2 years younger than me and we've always been close. He's fucking 15 now, way old enough to know what he's doing.
I won't be able to move out til a year maybe so right now I don't know what to do. Am I right to ignore him? Or should I do something else ?
Anon I have a very similiar situation with my sister. I won't dive into a blogpost here but know you don't owe your brother contact if he doesn't treat you well. During the final years of our tine living at home, we lived in the same house not talking or acknowledging each other and that was significantly less stessfull than keeping on trying to make things work, I spent many years doing that thinking she'd grow out of it but she never did well into adulthood when I cut off contact. Keep ignoring your brother until you can move out (unless he attempts to mend your relationship on his own initiative). You don't have to sacrifice your own physical and mental well-being for him.
Your brother is probably damaged from being from a dysfunctional family, I know my sister is, you can't fix him and can't help him if he doesn't want help. Trying to mend your relationship when he's like this will only take toll on you. Best to move out asap and keep the contact and interaction with him as minimal as possible to avoid stress and him hitting you (that's abuse)
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What kind of texts does he even send you? I agree with the other anon, the ball is in his court and you have nothing left to give him. He needs to grow up and take initiative. All males know when they do us wrong, they just act stupid.
I can't even imagine my little brother calling me a whore or hitting me. I think that would be beyond heartbreaking, to have someone you watched since a baby grow up to be a typical scrote.
No weapons in this country, and if, I did tell my hunter neighbour that there might be trouble tonight. Just in case.. He can be here in five.
He does know I'm her only real contact, but when he wrote me a text I just acted confused and he hasn't reached out since. Sadly we don't have any places to go, I also have my two dogs and a bunch of chickens. I don't want to leave them here alone.
She's waiting for some documents she'll get this week, after that she'd like to leave the country back home. She's here illegally so not a lot. If we have to go pick up things, I would've brought some farmer friends along? Else, no police, no documenting.. Apparently wasn't the first time either. Makes you want to go out and hurt some scrote.. Urghhhh.
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Thank you all nonnies for your advice>>216996
Yup, it's really sad cuz I was so happy when he was born and he's a big part of the reason I work with babies and toddlers and love them. I've always loved him I don't think he ever loved me tho. And now after having been hit and called a disgusting fat bitch so many times I think most of that love is gone I feel very resentful.>>217057
Exactly I know growing in the same household≠exact same childhood for every sibling but fuck me and my sister have never acted like that, and we have just as many reasons (if not more imho) to be bitter and resentful towards life
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i hate my body a lot. mostly my skin since it isn't clear. my face is clear with minimal pimples, etc but fucking neck down i have tons of hyperpigmentation scars and other shit from scarring. i really wanna wear sundresses and be able to wear short sleeves without people noticing my hairy arms and my legs looking like a connect the dots. over the years ive tried a lot of whitening shit for it but it never goes away. any advice to get rid of them or maybe how to not give a shit about it?
So, my boyfriend is not a nigel tier guy, at all. I do love him, and he loves me, we are complicated people and both of us is flawed. Said that.
I am a bisexual woman, and I never had issues when interested in someone. I have been chased multiple times even when people knew I had a bf, by both men and women allegedly falling in love with me etc.
Thing is, I am his first gf, and never had people overtly chasing him, and even when we had threesome experiences it was clear that I was the one desired by the other girls, despite him being fairly attractive.
Thing is, it is becoming more and more clear that this is starting to weight down on him, not because he's jealous of me but because he's jealous of the attentions I'm getting. He sometimes makes snirky comments, or behaves… weirdly when I have people liking me.
I don't know what to do, he openly said that he would like to be center of attention and that he has problems with approaching other people, but more than making him know that he's center of attention is hardly doable. He won't even understand that it is also because of his behavior.
And even so, I shouldn't feel responsible for the resentment, I just don't know how to behave because I feel like it will eventually become a problem in our relationship. He's been saying stuff that hurts me, and it is becoming weird because he goes from saying that I'm a great person and one of the best he ever met, to saying that I'm a shit person and I treat others unfairly (when I say that I'm not interested in others).
I don't even know if it would make sense trying to talk about this with him, I think it might sour our situation more.
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I am so lost in life.
My best friend is married with kids, other have forgotten about me and/or have boyfriends and other friends to hang with. One of my cousins got married recently and another is moving in with her boyfriend all while I sit in my mid twenties a kissless, dateless virgin. Everyone I know is advancing their life while mine has been the sam e for years.
Every skill I'm supposed to be good at, I'm actually just okay or not even that good. My is art is only good to people who have never picked up a pencil. I'm supposed to be good at learning languages but I only learned Englosh.
I wanted to be a good student, but was barely avarage. No matter how hard I studied I got average grades, nothing more.
I have been trying to improve things that I don't like about myself, trying to become at least a little bit like the person I want to be but I often get overwhelmed with all the work I have to do and whith everything I have no power to change.
I'm starting to resent people around me for just existing and living their lives and I hate myself for it. I know I'm lagging behind in life and I really don't want to be like this, but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like nothing ever gonna get better and nothing's ever gonna change.
Has anyone who felt like this ever managed to crawl out of the hole? I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die I want to help myself.
Anon, I know how you feel. Everything I've tried I feel like a failure at because I don't excel. But you know what, it's ok to be average. You don't need to be the best at whatever it is you do. You're not going to improve yourself overnight, I know it's hard to remember that but it's true. Don't be so hard on yourself because there's probably so many things you're good at but criticize yourself too harshly. Take it one day at a time.
I can't say that I've fully crawled out of my hole because I have my good days and my bad days, but I do think things are getting better even if sometimes I stumble and take a few steps back. It can get frustrating looking at how slow the progress is but again, you just have to keep reminding yourself that it's not going to happen overnight. I'm here if you ever need to talk, drop some contact info in the FF thread if you'd like.
So my therapist and I have some opposite views/beliefs about gender and relationships and I was wondering if it matters or not. I've been seeing her for like one year and a half, not for gender related stuff but mostly to treat family/childhood trauma by EMDR and she really helps with that and I trust her, but sometimes she's said stuff that bothered me, like how great it is that trans and nb people have gained acceptance for the past few years, how her nb and agender (kek) patients felt liberated by finding their twue self and recently when talking about my sexual orientation and relationship boundaries she said how some bi men can keep having one-night stands with men in agreement with their wife and that kind of open relationship uwu advocating just doesn't sit well with me.
On the other hand she's been a great help for treating my sexual trauma, like when I explained to her how my ex was a porn addict who tried to force me into every fetish you can imagine (like cosplay sex, piss, rape "play") she agreed that this shit ain't normal and mentionned helping some patients quit BDSM, so she's not THAT libfemmy but still.
I know most therapists these days are trained to validate troons and other gender specials and that very few normies know about radfem stuff anyways but I guess I'm afraid she wouldn't give me the best advice when it comes to relationships? Like some scrote redflags that liberal feminism made acceptable? I mean she's only in her 30s but my past therapist was in her 60s and yet believed that polygamy is ok and that in some cases it's ok to get back with a scrote who cheated on you, so I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with age. I used to be a handmaiden too before learning about how gender stuff and liberal feminism harm women in today's world, so I guess it's just that she doesn't even know about all this.
Anyways do you think I'm overthinking? Or that our differences could badly affect therapy?
Might be good to start telling her the gender stuff is triggering
for you, she might be able to respect that
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How the fuck do I rewire my brain so it doesn't associate people and closeness with danger? I have been in therapy for a long time but still have problems with emotional intimacy and just stick to avoiding people. I want to feel what normal people feel - excitement, a desire to spend time with people and share information with them. When the potential to spend time with people comes up all I feel is vulnerability and the desire to avoid and hide
you're not overthinking it imo, I'd never want therapy from someone who legitimately believes agender and nonbinary are a thing because it tells me they probably either 1) have poor reasoning skills, 2) they care too much about appearing woke, or 3) they let their empathy override their actual decision making. I also feel like I need to see eye to eye to a certain extent when I'm seeking help for mental issues and if there's that much of a disconnect I don't think they could help me.
but if none of those things get to you and you like her and she's a good therapist you should keep seeing her imo. it really all comes down to how you feel, and it's probably hard to find a therapist who isn't at least a little into the gender bullshit because they are encouraged to be so accepting of everyone.
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Okay I lied lmao I am from Sweden. Do you happen to know whom I was talking about? Might we be working at the same company?? (posted again because hint might have been too on the nose)
Only you can really answer this question. Personally I'd put up with a therapist that was actually helpful and had some slightly woo woo views on gender etc. since your trauma isn't strictly to do with gender issues. The thing about your ex and the fetishes is promising, and proves she can think critically.
If you think she mostly has her head screwed on straight and wouldn't outright give you bad advice like the last therapist, it's good to know where she stands in her views so that you can critically assess the advice she does give.
However, she does seem to talk about her other patients a lot, which I find a bit odd and not completely professional. You could just ask her not to do this any more. And if she tries to suggest anything about your own gender you can put your foot down hard or just not go back.
Genuine question: why do you consider it disrespectful? I did tell my wife about the situation and she said that it would be good to establish a friendly tone between us as this woman is my dentist and living in the same small town as us so I'll end up seeing her again at some point.>>217458
Yeah, that's what I figured. The card will be addressed to both her and her assistant who worked on me too so I think a simple thank you and merry Christmas should be fine? I just overthink things way too much.
I've had a full Brazilian wax and it was worth it. It did hurt, I found that the upper parts hurt more but my pain tolerance is pretty good so it wasn't that bad. Find yourself a salon with good reviews and look up how to prepare yourself for a appointment. Don't be embarrassed because waxers have truly seen it all. You won't be completely hairless for a long time during your first appointment because of different hair growth cycles but it's such a relief to have most of the hair gone.
I can't afford to have frequent appointments so what I do is go in and start shaving/plucking whenever hair starts coming in. The smoothness lasts about two and a half months until I'm completely back to my hairy self again. You're not supposed to remove hair in between appointments but again this is what I do personally because waxing is expensive and you have to go every 3-4 weeks if you want to maintain it.
I think youur brother needs to be very clear about his boundaries with your little sister, including how she behaves towards his gf. You needing to be the one to step in with the sleeping arrangements is weird, that's his job. Plus you being the one who steps in gives your sister the opportunity to put the blame on you in her mind and refuse to acknowledge that your brother thinks her behaviour is inappropriate/weird too. I think your brother making clear that her behaviour
towards him and his gf is inappriopriate and not okay should help burst her crush/whatever it is-bubble.
This doesn't sound like a crush-crush or incest, your sister probably has just regular non sexual sibling love for your brother although exacerbated.
Are your parents involved in your sister's education? You don't talk about them at all, and yet it should be their role to tell her about respecting boundaries. If they're not very involved or even just distant it's possible your sister loves your brother like she loves a dad, and is then scared that he might not like her anymore because his girlfriend is stealing the affection she should receive instead. Children raised by single parents often fear the same thing when they parents find a new partner
I don't think it's overall a worrying situation. Your brother could have a talk with her to tell her that he still loves her very much even though he has now less occasions to show it, that he's not going to forget about her just because he has a girlfriend, which means she shouldn't try to constantly draw his attention because it's not necessary; however it's not a necessary talk to have, she'll eventually get it by herself as she grows up (13 is a rather rough age on the mental plan)
, thank you so much!!! I'm also poor af so this is perfect
i think i have been in your sister's shoes when i was around her age as well.
from birth to middle school i idolized my brother (8 years my senior) and saw him as my role model, i thought he was the coolest person in the world and he was genuinely my favorite person out of all of my family members, so i DID NOT want to share him with anybody else. i REALLY looked up to him.
i remember everytime i would overhear him saying he liked a female celebrity i would go red with rage and open up ms paint and edit them to look dead bloodied and all messed up, or cut out pictures of them from magazines if i could find them and make them look super ugly/moldy/diseased stuff like that LOL.
but on a real note one bad habit of mine was snooping on people's accounts and i remember seeing him get sweet with girls his age and it always made me feel sick to my stomach. when you are that age its really gross ( or to me it was ) but it especially felt bad because i felt like he didnt like me as much anymore; almost a competitive kind of feeling but it wasnt romantic in any way, its just that because we were both girls it meant that we had something in common therefore i had to compete. does that make sense ? my goal in life at the time was to impress him and gain his approval. being in a relationship with him didnt even cross my mind, i just didnt want him to like girls more than he liked me and i got jealous i was all, how can he like them more than me when i have known him for longer? or… how can they think he likes them more than i do when i know more about him… things like that.
. now i know that is wrong and impossible.
though, i felt that way too when a guy younger than me addressed him as HIS older brother when they werent related. i wanted to crush him into bits.
sorry i am not the best at articulating my thoughts but i definitely get where your sister is coming from, hopefully she will grow out of it. as for advice, my brother stopped talking to me/giving me attention as much for about 3 years because of this headcase behavior (in other words he put distance). that helped me tremendously to reflect and understand boundaries more. maybe your brother should try that as well. it was hard for me to accept at the beginning but i got used to it, i dont remember him discussing that clearly so i suppose it just sort of happened. if not, then he did in a way that wasnt scarring LOL.
dont make a huge deal out of it and embarrass her and surely it will die down as in, if you make a big deal out of it, it'll mark your sister forever and push her to act even worse potentially making her actually develop something out of guilt
i dont think this will be of any help to you at all as i am very incoherent but i still wish you the best of luck out there nona, you and your family.
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Ive got a huge crush on a guy at work and I have no idea how I’m supposed to go about things let alone feel. Genuinely pissed that it’s a work crush because I feel like I’m stuck if that makes sense? Do I ask him out or don’t I, I have no clue at all. So far I’m just trying to keep it neutral between us both and take things day by day but god this crush is rotting my brain
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How does one arouse another through conversation? I've done it various times before unintentionally but idk how i did it or how to do it when I actually want to which ticks me off. I need to learn how to do it because I can't rely on sex appeal :( I have zero
i keep coming back to this but forgetting to respond. god i just wish i could learn to trust people and their care but it's been hard. my naivete failed to consider how much this would fracture my future self worth kek. thanks nonnie
, what you wrote has been super helpful ♥
Already losing weight. My weight has gone up and down a lot in the past 15 years.
Couldn't get a date when I was skinny either.
Ugly face and masculine body. Social skills not the best but I can get by and have friends. Personality wise I'm not funny/interesting/witty/whatever people want in a romantic partner
I'm saving up for surgery. Not sure what to do about my trash personality though. I'm so boring. If I try to be fun and interesting it comes off as so forced and awkward because it's just not me.
Have you read Attached? It opened my eyes into why I tend to abandon people whenever I get close.
Maybe start off small. Just text every few days, or meet every few weeks, but keep it consistent. You don't have to jump into full on friendship meeting every day.
I can get one night stands now very easily. I feel like both my looks and personality are holding me back. Ugly with great personality is not going to get me a boyfriend either
I'm in therapy and read self help books, but like I just don't know how to be fun.
I see women who can make jokes and come out with interesting things to say and are fun to be around. I can't do any of that, I don't know how. I've tried.
Yes I like to draw/paint, I'm a comedy nerd and go to live shows, work on electronics projects etc
I find it hard to talk about these things in a conversation because I find it difficult to put things into words. >>220096
I guess because I missed out on teenage and 20's dating I still have this idea of romantic relationships being "fun" and passionate and exciting.
Honestly I don't want to find a life partner, I just want to experience dating and romance. I want to have fun and experience emotional intimacy and know what it's like to love someone and have them love me back. I don't care about long-term outcomes.>>220098
I have friends who embody the manic pixie dream girl "fun" trait. Exciting to be around, funny, clever etc.
In social settings with friends, I fail to be bubbly and giggly and brave and loud. I'm just a stick in the mud kind of person.
I feel like men want women who are fun and exciting, or who at least have interesting things to say.
I went through this because I also missed out on teenage fun years and dating.
I ended up taking xanax and going on Tinder dates, and had that exact fun but felt terrible in the morning (even if I didn't sleep with anyone).
I get you're missing out on excitement. I'd recommend joining clubs to do with your hobbies where you can get your excitement from. Do some physical hobby. Most of the time you're too busy trying to perform the sport to focus on how bubbly someone is. Just the adrenaline makes you fun and sociable.
In terms of relationships, a stable relationship is much better than passion. Passion passes and has nothing to do with love.
>I have friends who embody the manic pixie dream girl "fun" trait. Exciting to be around, funny, clever etc.
Find a role model. Could be your friend, or a TV character, or a female celeb that acts like how you want to act. And just copy them. Practice talking about your passions in the mirror until it's natural.
I don't think physical hobbies can make up for missing out on the kind of fun people have when they're young
I just want to have any kind of relationship, unstable or stable as long as it's not abusive
>Find a role model. Could be your friend, or a TV character, or a female celeb that acts like how you want to act. And just copy them. Practice talking about your passions in the mirror until it's natural.
I'll keep trying that. Right now it feels forced and awkward but I'll continue practicing. >>220103
The other person would be looking for the same thing too, so it's not like I'd be using them
I have no idea what love even is. I want to experience passion and romance and my feelings being reciprocated
>>220106>I don't think physical hobbies can make up for missing out on the kind of fun people have when they're young
Well if you're not young you won't be able to have that exact young person experience. You can't replicate it completely but you can do similar things.
>I have no idea what love even is. I want to experience passion and romance and my feelings being reciprocated
You won't get that through no-commitment stuff.
I understand completely. I was/am in your situation. It's especially difficult now because covid doesn't really let you meet new people as freely as before. It feels like I can't have spontaneous fun anymore.
The closest I got to "teenage fun" as an adult was going on a solo trip to Greece and meeting boys on a boat and off Tinder. The novelty and strangers was the key, I suppose. There's no pressure because no one knows you. You can make up a personality without your old one holding you back. Maybe try that once you can travel freely?
>>220109>Well if you're not young you won't be able to have that exact young person experience. You can't replicate it completely but you can do similar things.
I'm nearly 29. I guess that's kinda young. What are the similar things I can do? Because physical hobbies/sports are not similar to the experience I want to have.
>You won't get that through no-commitment stuff.
I don't want no commitment stuff. I want commitment but I don't want seriousness or no excitement.
>The closest I got to "teenage fun" as an adult was going on a solo trip to Greece and meeting boys on a boat and off Tinder. The novelty and strangers was the key, I suppose. There's no pressure because no one knows you. You can make up a personality without your old one holding you back. Maybe try that once you can travel freely?
Haven't had luck on tinder so far, can only find people wanting casual sex or threesomes
Well commitment doesn't happen after casual sex for sure! In my early twenties I hooked up with guys hoping it would turn into a relationship, needless to say it didn't work lmao
I'm willing to make an effort to get the magical exciting romance I just don't want to waste time hooking up with people because it leads nowhere.
uhh, I don't think I'd be able to deliver bits authentically, and copying bits from comedy is kind of weird, and anyway the kind of comedy I like doesn't really involve actual jokes I'm into the more absurdist stuff…
There might be a way to become wittier. I'll keep practicing.
I feel like my personality is very similar to yours. I too, enjoy absurdist stuff, art, gaming, tech etc. I'm not very bubbly and I sometimes blend into the background.
I met my current bf through a friend of a friend. He actually liked how awkward I was and how 'chill and down to earth' I seemed. He said it was refreshing talking to someone who didn't try to be upbeat etc.
Honestly, fate is cruel. You can wait and wait for years and not find someone. But they will find you. My only advice is to continue going out with your friends. Thats how I met my bf, simply by going out to bars/nights out with mates. You don't have to force yourself on dating apps or do all this 'go to the gym and meet someone' bullshit. Just keep hanging out and doing your own thing. Trying to actively follow some self help manual or copying others may just put you into a more confusing state, and blocking a potential someone from seeing the real you. Someone will link up to you I promise.
Anon, I know exactly how you feel. I also get really self-conscious about my personality and it sometimes really affects my self-esteem. I see myself as reserved and serious, not very spontaneous or "fun." Whenever I'm with my friends I always compare myself to them and wish I was as cute, nice, spunky, energetic, etc.
You think of yourself as a person who isn't "fun" (just like I do), but what about when you're with your friends? I think it's about perspective. Maybe to a business bro who parties all the time I'd be considered a stick in the mud and not a lot of "fun," but when I'm talking to a guy who I share interests with I can come up with a lot of things to say and it's easy for me to joke around and loosen up. I know it's really easy to focus on your negative traits and define yourself by them, but what about times when you have been sociable and fun? What are you like then? What factors were present that allowed you to act that way? Being "fun" doesn't always mean being the life of the party either. Some guys are going to like bubbly, extroverted girls and you probably aren't going to be their type, but there are also going to be guys who aren't into those types of girls and are going to like your vibe as long as you aren't self-defeating and insecure (easier said than done, I know).
i have never been in a relationship before and am a virgin, but i have no problem with sexual thoughts, its just that my ''urges'' vanish when i take a liking to someone, my brain refuses to think about them sexually or romantically. i am physically attracted and emotionally attracted to him so theres no problem there either
not anxious about sex either
i just like him thats it, i find him attractive, sexy etc, but i have no desire to do anything sexual with him
i did before, but not now
i still like him in the same way but the urge and want just vanished and i feel an ick thinking about him sexually now. the sexual attraction just vanished.
i dont even know thats why im here
Hm. You know what that reminds me of? Performance anxiety. Only a mental variant.
Other anon above >>220042
also thought it has something to do with anxiety, I think she's right
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I have a WIBTA question
For the last ~5 years I’ve spent NYE with my grandparents since nobody else would. I’m really close to my siblings, and my grandparents have always been very grouchy so I didn’t have the best time, but they felt lonely otherwise and they love me a lot.
My grandpa passed last year, my grandma is now about to get treatment for her cancer, and today she just told me that my biological father and his “new family” are coming to celebrate NYE. I absolutely do not want to start the year with them, especially since I wanted 2022 to be my “healing/getting better/actually living” year (I’m closing my LDR gap after years, getting therapy, and I’ve secured a job in my bf’s country).
I’ve been my grandma’s main caregiver for the past month and I feel guilty whenever I want to go outside, because that means she’s alone (she says everyone else has a job and I don’t, plus I live with her, so it’s my duty). It’s a small dark apartment so I don’t see sunlight for days at a time, and it’s really affecting my already feeble mental state. I just turned 20 and I feel so exhausted constantly, my sleep pattern has gone to absolute shit.
WIBTA if I celebrated the new year with my siblings and my close family instead? It’s just a 5 minute walk away, but I’m scared of ending up being the massive asshole because I’m caring about my well-being for once
Sage for samefagging
Additionally, my grandma’s health has improved since I’ve been taking care of her, but at the expense of what seems like me as a person. All I do is take care of her and the chores, sleep, play sometimes. I don’t even eat more than one meal a day. Recently before that I was diagnosed with severe depression, and this is the opposite of what my doctor told me to try. So, WIBTA if I just… left? I planned to close my LDR gap in March, but she’s clearly going to have the same needs, and I’m starting to feel resentful for having my life delayed once again since COVID has already done that for over a year.
I’ve lived with her for two years, trying to help but she would barely let me, now I have to “pay off” the debt of having lived there by caregiving until the end.
Nobody else is available, or so they say, and my aunt doesn’t even talk to her. So she’d most likely be alone and I’d look (and feel) like a piece of shit.
Plus I have a mild paranoia of my biological father, who’s a vindictive asshole I regret trusting, getting angry and telling my (scary latina) mother that I’ve been meeting my boyfriend without her permission, even tho I’m an adult and don’t even live with her, which would 100% ruin my relationship with her.
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Any anons have advice on coming out of your shell and not feeling like the odd man out? New Years is always a hard time for me because even when I’m with a big group of people I feel like the odd person out bc I’m usually the friend of the friend that’s just tagging along. I also don’t have a group of long-term friends that I’m a part of and no matter what I feel like I’m lacking because of it. I want to be better in 2022, I want to be confident and actually feel good about myself. Any advice? Do daily affirmations work bc I think that’s my next best option.
idk anon my parents were the same, lots of praise for my brains rather than my looks, but I feel like that significantly contributed to my high self esteem as an adult (not as a teenager, I was wildly insecure then but grew out of it). Not high self esteem like "I'm so hot", more like "I might not be hot but that's okay because looks aren't everything". It's not like they thought I was ugly, it's just that they never prioritised it over my other traits.
I don't think insecurity as a woman is easy to escape no matter your circumstances, you have to be very thick skinned or very isolated from the constant, intense external pressure to be attractive. Certain industries make a lot of money from our insecurity and men benefit from insecure partners so there's no way they'd just let us be confident in ourselves.
Tbfh, just do things you want to do when you want to do them. I spent a whole part of my life denying myself doing or getting certain things because I was anxious about not having people to do them with. Idk if my brain chemistry changed as I got older but now I mostly focus on my thoughts and not on what I think
other people are thinking of me. Like I used to get anxiety about going out in public or something but now I think am I even going to remember this random Tuesday five years from now? Prob not
its only the guys i get attracted to, i have an easy time if its just an infatuation or a celeb crush, but my mind goes haywire when i know the person
glad to see im not the only one
Rather than worrying about your own contributions to a conversation, it’s much easier to practice asking questions and following up. People love talking about themselves, and having interest showed in what they have to say will endear them to you. You don’t need to follow up with any personal anecdotes either, just respond with emotion-based thoughts (i.e. “wow, that’s crazy, what did you do afterwards?”, “no way! I’d have no idea what to do in that situation haha”, etc).
The nice thing about this is that your conversation partner will probably be more willing to forgive some awkwardness on your end once they’re in a good mood from talking about themselves. That’s the best time to practice.
Also, honesty is pretty much always the best policy. When someone asks you what you think about something and you have no idea what to think, just say that. Don’t feel embarrassed about not knowing stuff. It takes a little practice, but once you get used to it, it’ll actually boost your confidence overall. When you feel like you have nothing to hide, you won’t get embarrassed making the occasional social mistake. Just own it and move on. Good luck. It’ll take time, but if you keep coming back to it you’ll reach your goal eventually!
I was a hikikomori for two years, after which I was slowly able to return to society. First I focused on going outside with regularity, just once a day. Then I enrolled in my local university, took some courses online to reacquaint myself with school, and eventually transitioned to in-person classes. Now I have student employment at a call center— a job I never imagined I could do, much less enjoy. Because the interactions are highly structured, I don't mind talking to strangers all day, and my coworkers are easy enough to get along with. I have hope for the future and I've left NEETdom completely behind.
What helped me the most was reconciling with the sometimes unfortunate fact that I will never be how society expects me to be. I'll never be a cute, hot, sociable normie who goes to parties and has tons of friends. Honestly, I don't like to socialise and I prefer to go straight home after work/school. I basically only need one companion at a time to meet my social needs, and I feel most comfortable dressed weird with no makeup and messy hair. Just because my satisfaction is abnormal doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. I'm a creep I'm a weirdo, yeah, but whatever,
get it? >>220618
has given you the best conversational advice, so I won't rehash. Attention is the greatest gift you can give someone. All I'd add is that while it's good to give everybody a chance, especially while you still feel a need to "practice" socialising, don't waste your time and energy on people who make you feel bad just because they're willing to talk to you. Not worth it.
No shade, you sound autistic or like you have ADHD. At the very least you have low self esteem. It's very concerning that you struggle with anything new or anything that requires effort. That's not something you can just force your way through when you don't understand the underlying cause. Did you ever get any therapy after your abusive
relationship? Your home life probably wasn't great either if you ended up in such a bad way as a teenager. I think this goes deeper than just "being boring" and more like you have some serious trauma to work through.
If you didn't want therapy, I would suggest self help books, but reading is an issue. Honestly you might have a lot of difficulties even just searching for a therapist to help you. I'd advise you to ask your boyfriend for support and maybe do it together so you have someone to lean on when you feel overwhelmed.
I should respond to the questions you asked.
I had problems focusing from a young age, I was very academic in certain fields, gaining a scholarship into uni even, but in other fields, I simply can't retain any focus. I do believe I have very low self esteem, I've struggled with alcohol addiction and such. I didn't get therapy after my relationship, I tried seeing a psychologist but he just gave me heaps of CBT papers and I couldn't focus on reading them tbh. My home life was good and bad, I'm an only child from a poor immigrant family, my parents struggled a lot growing up and I take everything very personally and I remember crying a lot.
I bought jordan petersons book and my bf started reading it to me and I really enjoyed how objective he was about the mind but we have not read it in so long that I've lost the self help spark so to say.
Thank you for your advice, I will definitely think about these points and see what I can do.
Can relate 100%. I recently realized that if I did not force myself to do stuff, I would just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Even when it comes to hobbies or interests, I have to force myself to do them.
Download a habit tracker app or start a bullet journal and create goals for yourself. They could be even tiny things that require effort. I literally wrote down all the movies I've been planning to watch for years as goals because if I didn't I'd never watch them.
Not sure what this is but I decided to think of it as learned passivity. I grew up with a helicopter parent who didn't have the patience to wait for me to make decisions and do stuff for myself, so she made them for me and did them herself so in my case I think it stems from this. I didn't have the chance to learn self-discipline.
Good news is, this is just a learned behaviour that you have to unlearn by building new habits. You can do it!!
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Do any motorcycle gang lesbians have tips on how to be a good passenger? My bf just bought a new bike and wants to take me for a ride this weekend and I’m kind of freaking out about it. My uncle was badly injured in a motorbike accident before I was born and my grandma has been an absolute freak about them ever since and told all her grandchildren that motorcycles are terrible and we’re “forbidden” from riding them. I know they’re completely safe and he’s got 10 years riding experience but I’m still really anxious. What can I do to make myself as little of an imposition as possible?
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Nonnies I made a new friend and she's this really cool artist that likes all the same things as me. She seems so sweet and she even brought me soup when I was sick recently. Funny enough when I was eating some and browsing /m/'s bad art thread, I came across a drawing of hers. I know it's hers because I saw it in person about a week prior. It's on her Instagram but she has very few following her and the post itself has very low engagement. The post was made months after the original art was posted, but 2-3 days before we met for the first time. I've been trying to figure out if she self posted here of if she has a terrible friend with a vendetta. I posted a meme about PT on one of my accounts a few days ago and she responded, I asked her if she knew of PT and she said she didn't until now. I don't know what to believe. Is she here?! Did I make a real life friend through circumstance and she seriously is also a farmer? I don't know what to say about it. Her art being posted here just keeps popping in my head. If she is a farmer, we are going to be best friends I can feel it. If not she might think I'm a little crazy and if that's the case I definitely can't let on that I'm here because what if she thinks this place sucks? I'm over here like Harriet the Spy trying to figure out if she's here or not. If you are and you're reading this, stop playing games with me and let's draw pixiteri fan art together please. I've been praying to God for this mess of COVID to clear up and also begged him to deliver me a woman who I could bond with since I live with only men and have for years now. I'm losing my mind. IS FRIEND REAL? IS FRIEND FARM? IS FRIEND HERE? Help, what do..
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My bf is gonna try to quit smoking cigarettes. I know nicotine withdrawals can really suck and expect him to be a bit grumpy/irritable initially. Is there anything I can do to help or be supportive?
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I don't know how to help you anon, but I feel weirdly invested so please keep us updated if you ever know the truth
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I think I’ve hit my self-love phase. I feel good about myself and my looks for the first time in a long time, I just got a big cash boost from my Christmas bonus and vouchers as gifts, and everything seems to be going right for me, but I also have enough sense left to know that there is more room for improvement. What are the best ways I can capitalise on this sudden burst of confidence and new-found small fortune?
>>221279 >seeing this guy for a few months
I think you are getting ahead of yourself tbh. I've dated someone with kids before and even then… you break up and you're gone just like that. Trying to play any significant role that early on in those circumstances too just.. it often backfires when you're taken away again. That needs consideration.
I don't know if he's putting any pressure on you or if it's just you but I'd slow down. Harsh as this is, you're not anything to these kids and at this stage it's too up in the air to get invested and risk being another person who leaves them.
I’m not an expert but I did lose 10 pounds in 3 months basically by accident. Ana-chans don’t look. I was broke so I was only eating twice a day (11am and some time in the evening) but this only worked because I was working evenings and could sleep through my whole morning. If you’re working full time would not recommend
I also had no money for snacks and went from eating a bag of chips or candy bar or buying a sugary coffee every day to only eating at meal times. My go-to hunger buster was baked beans on toast, it kept me full until dinner and is a good balance of protein and carbs.
In terms of exercise, consistency is key. A little bit often does way more than a lot at one time. Try and get one in every day, doesn’t matter if it’s a quick lap around the block or an hour-long mountain hike, something is better than nothing. Good luck nonna!
I don't know why your spoilered would be considered triggering
, this is what a lot of fit people do they just dress it up with the hipster term of "intermittent fasting." I'm just not hungry in the morning so I never eat breakfast and have a modest lunch with a big dinner. Your comment about eating healthier/cutting out shitty snacks if you have no self control (no judgement, I can't have certain foods around either) is good, otherwise anon should eat at whatever times help keep her full and feel natural. It doesn't really matter how you break food up throughout the day so long as you don't feel like you're starving yourself. >>221399
If you want to do this safely and effectively then find a website to calculate your TDEE, subtract 500 calories from that amount, then use an app to track your daily calories. Ex if your TDEE is 1800 then eat 1300 calories a day instead. Doing this you'll lose 2 lbs a week and that is the fastest amount you can lose at a time in a healthy way. If you feel super hungry at that amount then do a deficit of 300 instead, you'll lose ~1 lb a week and feel less desperate for food. You can include exercise or not, you will lose weight this way with or without it although obviously you'll look better if you attempt some sort of strength training at the same time.
Bad advice: do amphetamines for a few days, you'll be unable to eat then afterwards will have a loss of appetite.
Good advice: buy some basic weights, when you watch your shows or anime or youtube vids lift to it, do 10 minutes straight
Probably not want to want to hear but when people are blunt to a point of rudeness.. sometimes you just have to get blunt right back with them. I know what it's like to have that politeness mode deep set in you but ime blunt people need to hear what they sound like. If they don't like it or react badly just remind them they sound like that too.
It can go wrong if they're stubborn but imo it's better than a friendship or relationship where you tiptoe. One sided tiptoeing around feelings is a bad sign.
Join an arts course, drawing, painting, etc. There are introverted but nice people there and you'll have something in common. Just chit chat with someone and then hang out at a coffee shop nearby after the course is over.
If you live in an apartment you can also befriend your neighbors, if you have a neighbor you're close to you can hang out pretty much anytime unlike other friends where you have to plan meet ups.
Realize women are not a monolith and start giving people chances? Not trying to be dismissive (especially since I and a lot of women have dealt with internalized misogyny), but as you acknowledged yourself a lot of your issues are stemming from personal preconceptions ruining opportunities before you give women a chance. I'm willing to bet your friendships with men aren't all that "deep" either in that you don't have long heart to hearts with them, they just feel easier and safer to you at the moment. The whole thing about your fear of bullying and backstabbing is alleviated by having boundaries just like you should with men. Know what sort of behaviors you will/won't tolerate and stick to them. Don't want to deal with someone who's flighty? Drop them if they're continually late. Don't want to hang with someone who gossips? Drop them if they start badmouthing people. And so on. Bad people won't have a chance to hurt and manipulate you if you know where you stand and don't allow them continual access into your life. That's the difference between being an adult who gets to choose who she spends time with and a kid who has to repeatedly go to school with the same assholes. >I rarely come across another woman with the same hobbies as me
I think the idea of having shared interests with friends is overrated. It's more about having compatible personalities. In fact, having different tastes can help introduce you to new things. I have a good amount of "masculine" hobbies too but I'd rather brain myself than have to listen to a scrote sperg about vidya, MMA and motorcycles. When my female friends don't know as much about those things as I do, we either discuss other topics or they'll humor me by listening because they know it's meaningful to me. Just like I do for them. It's not boring even if I'm not personally invested because I genuinely enjoy hearing their perspectives and learning about what excites them.
Most people, men and women alike, will not be the perfect fit as friends. Not because you or they are bad, but because finding people you gel with is hard. Making friends requires continual effort, but imo is infinitely more worth it with women because overall they're more trustworthy, intelligent and understanding than men.
Have you seen The Social Dilemma? They talk mostly about social media rather than the internet as a whole, but maybe their detox methods will help you. https://www.thesocialdilemma.com/social-media-reboot/
There is also a thread somewhere in /ot/ about getting away from technology or something. Try the catalog.
I think it's important, too, that you uncover and heal from whatever void in your life drives you to escapism via digital means. Maybe you need therapy.
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Anons, the situation.
My boyfriend went for the end of the year to his hometown, spent time with high school friends; there's an ex of his from that time who - even though it was forever ago - was actually actively stalking my facebook recently (caught her liking and unliking some older photos); and now I see that few days ago she posted on her fb that "she's been living 90/00 nostalgia recently". Bf denies meeting with her though.
What do you think, suspicious or not?
Your friend seriously needs therapy. I was going to recommend setting her up with a guy but hearing her say she wouldn't leave her man even if he beat her makes me think she isn't in any way ready for a relationship.
You could recommend therapy which would be the best for her but hearing that could upset her if she doesn't have the right view about mental health.
Your best bet is to let her message him, likely get rejected and then support her, maybe suggest therapy or other support systems?
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How do I cope with my boyfriend being away?
My boyfriend has been away for 2 months because of health issues and is staying with his parents in their hometown and I'm losing my entire mind; I feel alone, depressed, almost suicidal at times. I'm on the verge of just calling him and breaking up with him because he not being near me is just too painful for me. I don't have contact with my family and my friends are too busy/scared because of covid.
>am I a BPDfag?
>am I extremely codependent of him?
>will I ever change?
Sorry to be harsh but ywn be able to appropriately cope with the distance/your loved one's absence if you don't get straight to the heart of the problem. You have to change. For your sake, and his too, you have to end the codependency. Have you considered how he feels, already in poor health and worrying about you on top of everything else? Honestly, it might actually be better to break up, but only if you commit to work on yourself and become a healthier person. I'm sure your bf loves you and wants the best for you, so please consider what you actually need
to do to heal.
Anon if I can truly change, how can I do it? Would it be enough to Google it? I do see a therapist but my appointment is at the end of the month.
I know he must feel horrible and I know he loves me very deeply, I just don't know how to deal with this pain.
I believe you can change Anon! Google is a good place to start, if only to look for self help resources. I've heard great things about DBT therapy for BPD because it teaches you sit in the pain, acknowledge the constant hell you are in, and still feel okay. There are DBT workbooks available for free online. You'll see progress if you're consistent.
Also, based on the level of distress you're in, I would suggest more frequent therapy. Weekly, maybe even bi-weekly if you have the means and you have a good rapport with your therapist. Hopefully this person has experience with personality disorders, trauma, etc. With their help, I urge you to confront the most painful experiences in your past.
Most importantly I want to tell you that you're not broken, not permanently. If you are holding onto that mindset because it feels safer to be a victim
, or makes you feel more worthy of love, or you fear you have no identity outside of your pain… let it go. You are capable of change. You will heal. If you want it and you work for it, you can be anything you aspire to be.
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Thank you anon, I've seen books on amazon about that DBT therapy you are mentioning, I will look for the ones free online first tho, I should at least give it a chance.
I would mention more frequent visits with him, hopefully a sooner spot will open if someone cancels. I'm terrified of confronting those painful past experiences tho anon, I'm scared.
Thank you so much for all this anon, you weren't harsh at all, just truthful. Thank you for being so thoughtful and encouraging.
Here I share you a hug.
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I have vaginismus and after my last unsuccessful gynecological examination, the gyno told me to go and see a sex therapist. The thing is, I have been in (regular) therapy with multiple therapists for multiple years and I don't feel like it would help me with this specific issue. I have been masturbating since I was 6, I come super easily to sexual fantasies, but only had one actual sexual experience with a guy (I have avoidant personality disorder and don't form connections easily). I don't have a problem talking about sexual topics, masturbation or porn. My point is: since from my research, sex therapy seems to be the same as regular therapy in the sense that we'd just talk about things, I don't think it would help at all. On the other hand, I found a pelvic floor training program that claims to help with vaginismus (among other things, also with incontinence, anorgasmia, prolapse, etc) and I really like it. It seems to be a well-thought out program with both educating us about how the pelvic floor works and we'd also do physical exercises. It'd be a small, all-women group and the trainer is also a woman.
Should I take the gyno's advice and see a sex therapist or should I go after my own hunch and do this training instead?
It's unfortunately an either-or situation because both are pretty expensive. The training would make more sense to me since it also has physical exercises and I also noticed that my lower body in general is quite tense but on the other hand the gynecologist is….a gynecologist after all and supposed to know what the patient needs. Opinions?
She's not in love with the guy, she's infatuated with the idea of him and of what their relationship could be. All you can do is advice her to get theraphy, but the first step to change is awareness, which she seems to lack. Hopefully she will stay committed to this fantasy instead of entering into a relationship. Keep an eye on her if she does it, and report abusive
scrotes to the police.
Embrace the bad feeling. Write a note to that imaginary person reading and making fun of you. Tell them exactly how you feel about their opinion and don't mince words. You're never going to heal from the pain of the previous invasion if you avoid it or pretend it never happened.
You have a right to privacy, a right to express your deepest feelings, and a right to be angry and hurt by anyone who violates those boundaries. You don't deserve to feel scared or ashamed, nor should you be forever haunted by your past. Journalling is an amazing coping mechanism, and nobody with a valid
opinion would EVER make fun of you for writing out what you feel.
Do you care about your friendship much with this guy or are you more just trying to find a way to not care about it anymore? If it's the former, then you're going to have a hard time getting over it without an actual proper resolution. If it's the latter, my best advice would be to let things drift apart. Internalize that the guilt you feel is a symptom of his immaturity. It's a result of you not wanting to feel like the 'bad guy'. But guess what - in his mind, you may already be. You can't control what someone else thinks about you, only your own response. Distract yourself. Speak to your other friends, get their input. You're feeling guilty because he's made you the villain and you (subconsciously) somewhat believe him.
My suspicion is that he probably likes you - either that or he REALLY doesn't like this other guy. If he's been fantasizing about you/a relationship with you, his bubble likely just burst. It's possible you got too defensive with him, but sometimes the enforcement of boundaries ends up that way.
If you're still looking to maintain a friendship with this guy, yeah you definitely have to have a real conversation about it. But if he won't let you have even that, there's really nothing you can do. To be honest, he sounds young. His feelings got hurt and now he's giving you the cold shoulder as punishment. If you've made a serious effort to talk with him, the ball is in his court now. You've done everything you can - do yourself the kindness of letting it go.
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Thoughts on baldies? BF was balding and I finally got him to shave after months of incentive but it feels so… nothing like I've ever dreamt of(?)
This must be embarassing. To be under control of someone who never even talked to you.
You are sick and chances are that you're putting your bf in an abusive
girl not sure what you want us to say here because you clearly have problems that can't be solved by anonymous strangers online.
>And I hate how I have to convince him to post me on social media sometimes because he knows she will see but doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
This is about the only reasonable thing you've written, like yeah that's not cool. But you have to get over the fact that most people will have multiple romantic and sexual partners throughout their lives.
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Any ausfags online willing to give me some advice on which city to move to? I’m moving from NZ for job opportunities (and because I’m tired of living under a government of twitter socialists). I’ve sent applications to offices in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane but have only heard back from the Brisbane one. It would be a great step up from where I’m living currently, but from my research it looks boring, like a city-sized retirement village. What I’m really looking for is good night life/club scene, good social/cultural opportunities, and rent prices that aren’t going to kill me. Do you think Brisbane has enough of that to make it worth the move, or should I keep looking in Melbourne and Sydney? Fwiw I live in Christchurch so anything is probably better than here kek.
I get how you feel. I don't feel bad about my boyfriend being with another person's sexually before me, but he did some fucked up things I still have trouble getting over.
The thing is, people change, and just because they did one thing with one person doesn't mean they want to do it or will do it with you. I had anal with my ex and I don't like it and no, I don't want to do it with my boyfriend. It doesn't mean I secretly miss it, or all the other tons of "kinky" stuff my ex did with me. I feel like my sex life is way more fulfilling with my boyfriend even though we're more vanilla. It's the same with other aspects. I want to judge him for things he did in the past, but I cannot act as if he's done them to me. It's not fair. He isn't the person he was 4 years ago, and neither am I.
The only somewhat concerning thing is his potential fear of what his ex thinks. But I can't even say for sure because no offense but you sound like you project a lot of thoughts onto your bf. Communicate, try to do so calmly and write down what you want to say beforehand and make sure it isn't rude, but to the point. Allow for him to explain himself and listen.
I hope this helps.
I am a christchurch fag too, I've been living in Aus for more than a decade now. I lived in QLD and I will say if you're really into outdoor stuff like hiking and the beach and good weather, then go to Brisbane. If you can handle some weird weather and are more of a metropolitan person, definitely Melbourne. If you leave the city for just 1 suburb the rent prices are next to nothing, but in Sydney its so fucking hard to find cheap places unless you go 2 hours out basically. Also Sydney is full of smug people and the living prices are insane, whereas Melbourne is full of music and night life 24/7, the weather is similar to christchurch though granted the summers are super warm.
TLDR move to Melbourne.
>And I hate how I have to convince him to post me on social media sometimes because he knows she will see but doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
We don't know him and can't make a right judgment but he doesn't want to post you while his ex is constantly trying to get back with him, follows him and he really doesn't do much to stop her, right?
If I were I'd talk to him about my feelings, just tell him you're uncomfortable she's stalking you and make him block her while you do so as well.
Also why did he even tell you the sexual acts they've done together? If he did without you asking, he's probably trying to make you do it as well which just sounds super weird.
nta but>bf has creepy sexual past>I was too scared to ask about it for a whole damn year
lmao>that doesn't reflect on us
maybe but it does reflect him
Amerifag but lived in Melbourne for two years and I really enjoyed it. I've been to Sydney for a couple days and I agree with the other anon. People in Sydney seemed really snide and it seemed really uppity.
Melbourne was laid back and had a lot of other cool artsy people and meetups pre-covid. I'm not sure how it is now though! (Also Melbourne has some of the best food I've ever had!)
Creepy probably means pedo shit. I mean what else could be so bad she'd be scared to learn more and embarassed to say on here?>>223018
Just because you're dating a man with a creepy sexual past (that's too much for you to even tell on an anonymous board) and you're fine with the possibly abusive
things he's done to other women, doesnt mean everyone is. Either tell us what he did instead of using vague language or just don't give your reddit tier "Oh poor men, abusing women is just a phase and he's all fixed, he won't hurt me!" advice.
What's your issue? I clearly have some stake in as I've travelled and lived in Australia for a fair amount of time.
The other anon was spot on as well lmfao clearly I also know something. Quit being a sperg.
That's good to hear, my apologies for assuming. In that case I'm confused about this:>I feel as though I 'need' to have friends>Am I suddenly a bad person if I chose to spend time with myself mostly?
Where did these insecurities come from? And why would you immediately jump to having a lower opinion of yourself as a "bad person"?
jesus christ are you a teenager? you stop being naive. this place is literally riddled with children, it's like watching a child trying to convince her parents her totally legit internet boyfriend is the real deal. i said>long distance relationships were never relationships in the first place if the people didn't meet and solidify the relationship in a permanent real life setting.
which is different from "long distance relationships aren't real" as you so elegantly put words in my mouth.
by the way; my partner (soon to be husband) and i started out online and long distance.
Late response but this >>223014
anon summed it up well. Brisbane is very uneventful unless you're outdoorsy, Melbourne is very cultural and great if you like art/music/shows. Sydney is expensive as fuck and very….business-y?
In saying that there's benefits to all 3. But melbourne is way better imo lol
I'm in the same boat as you, in that I don't really have many friends and I'm pretty fine with it. I moved to a new city a few years ago and haven't really been in a secure enough position to make friends. I did have a couple really close ones back home, that I'd known for years, so meeting new people was something I just didn't have experience with.
And like you, I'm more than happy to just spend days alone, it's an effort to make plans with someone to see them. It's exhausting to go out with them and spend hours talking when you're not used to it.
I think you're just more introverted, and that's ok! Can't remember where I saw it but when people talk about intro/extroversion they often misinterpret it as "wanting to always be alone vs around others" but it's really more how we personally recharge. Introverts charge their energy from being alone and drain it when being social, and extroverts are the reverse.
I think it's worth seeking out friends with similar interests, as when you do find people you really get along with (and share common interests/hobbies) it can be super rewarding. But if you're totally fine going along with the people you currently have in your life there's really nothing wrong with that.
ayrt, thank you for the advice. i do definitely need to figure out a way to move on, i don't resent her for talking about it. it might be the case that she's rubbing it in a bit, but i think she just really is that happy. she can't really read my mind so i might try to be honest with her about how talking about her relationship makes me feel, while figuring out how i can move on.
i'm not very fussed about whether or not what i had was a real relationship or not, it's semantics to me. i had strong feelings for a guy online, different to anything i ever felt for anyone else, and he felt the same towards me.
Ik anons are being very judgmental but I’ll respond with genuine advice as this reminds me of myself when I was in my first relationship. I had no experience while my ex had slept with two other girls prior. My ex also lied to me about contacting his ex who he wanted to be friends with despite me saying it made me uncomfortable.
On one hand, your bf is spineless and dumb. He doesn’t post you on his IG because he cares what his exes think? That’s ridiculous. There is legitimate criticism about him lying to you about blocking them (if they’re friends then they’re def not blocked lol).
However what you need to realize is that his past experiences are things you cannot change. Reflecting on this is a form of self-harm because you subconsciously know it will not change anything but you do it because you believe that you have no worth and use this to support your deeper insecurities. You are never going to change his past. Frankly also a lot of people have gross sexual pasts, especially once you get past a certain age. You said he tried anal but honestly a lot of people, including women obviously, try it. And men get mad at women who deny them it because they gave it to their ex but won’t do it with them. Frankly you’re in a much better position if he doesn’t beg you to do anal because it means it probably sucked for him and he doesn’t enjoy it. That says more than you think.
Lastly I won’t claim your boyfriend is being abused like some dumbass moid anons will, because OP’s bf clearly isn’t controlled if he’s been lying to her about blocking his exes. If this was a legit abuser OP she’d have access to all of his accounts. She wouldn’t be spinning her wheels trying to guess whether or not they’re blocked or dating a dude who refuses to post her online.
The actual dynamic of this is that you are highly sensitive and vulnerable to many deep-rooted insecurities while your bf is not on that same level. Your bf probably enjoys the intensity of the love you provide, esp since you’re inexperienced. Unlike the anons who cannot relate to this, as someone who has been here, I will say retrospectively from my own experience the moid still has all the power over you. Overly obsessive and insecure partners with no control are often exploited as you consider yourself so invested into this relationship and so in love with this person that you see no way out or no other life without this person. This guy, if he isn’t abusive
, could eventually turn abusive
and would have you still crawling back to him because you are so committed and dedicated to it working out. My ex eventually became very manipulative and outright mean and he could because I was so dependent and would stay anyways.
You are so unhealthy and remind me so much of myself and how much my relationship brought out the worst of my insecurities, esp related to having less experience than my ex. I can tell you with near certainty that this will likely not be your last relationship either. Sorry but a lot of older adults say this for a reason (it’s true!). We don’t marry our first partner lol. You’ll also likely look back later on and realize the sooner you’d ended it the better off you would have been.
I highly encourage that you start therapy to work on your own insecurities as well as the ones in regards to your relationship. Your relationship will end eventually but it’s up to you if you want to break up. Personally I suggest it, not because your bf is kinda dumb but because you need to focus on your own personal growth and get past these insecurities. If you’re anything like me in my first relationship, my toxic
relationship was my entire world and I only wanted my bf and no one else. It was when we finally broke up that I was able to focus on fixing myself, including addressing my own codependency and my poor self esteem.
Sorry for syntax errors I typed this on mobile but I hope this helps.
Thanks for the response - my worry is that I don't have a skillset, and my looks were the only thing that ever got me a job to begin with, and I'll be lucky if anyone gives me a chance. I suppose that's more of a self-esteem thing as I do have at least some legitimate experience and skills, and I need to internalise framing myself that way. I know this in my head, but writing it helps to cement it.
Will get one pricier 'interview outfit' immediately, and then at my leisure get at least three appropriate 'fancier' outfits that are more inexpensive but look good. No need to do it all at once.
Yes you were raped and unfortunately the situation is bad enough that your friends are going to downplay their accountability to protect their egos. They know which is why they're being cavalier about you getting some. Me? I'd be extremely distraught if my actions or lack of picking up a signal led to the violent rape of my friend even if it wasn't intentional or obviously negligent.
You need to look at it objectively and plainly state what happened if it's ever brought up: "I was violently sexually assaulted when I was intoxicated and could not give consent, please stop bringing this up unless your intention is to help me process this trauma."
If that doesn't shut them up or make them feel even a little bad, then they're psychos.
Hope everything goes well for you and you never end up with people like them again. If you can, definitely get the mental and medical help you need because you deserve it. You've gone through something a lot of women go through yet still some women can't emphasize with.
I've been told I was a pervert when I got assaulted and I was just 6.
Your friends try to mock and make fun of your trauma because they know they're guilty, they're projecting their guilt onto you so they can feel better about themselves leaving you alone in that state.
Are you getting the impression that she's actually "busy"? i.e. her excuses seem legitimate, it's finals season (idk not a burgerfag) you know she has a lot of friends?
I'd probably drop it for now, and if the stars align and she messages you and you're able to hang then go for it, but there's not much point otherwise.
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Anons, if a guy sends you a selfie and it turns out they're ugly, how do you respond? How do you reject them? Because I don't want to hurt the guys feelings, especially if they're nice, but I hate trying to be coy and don't want to potentially give them the idea that I'm interested in them. What do you do?
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I bought pic related because I liked the diner-esque design of it (with the collar and wrap front), but I don't really know what shoes to wear with it. Ideas? Any other styling advice welcome. I'm pale with black curly hair that I'm planning on wearing in an updo. And as far as makeup goes, I was thinking maybe something similar to Larme. Thoughts?
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My best friend from high school (which was over 10 years ago) came out to me as non-binary a few days ago, I never saw it coming and I don’t know how to process it.
Sorry anon. Just ignore the retardation as much as you can.
I view the genders specials the same way I view my mormon grandma.
If I can love my granny even though she believes god lives on a special planet in space then I can tolerate a friend believing some made up shit too.
(On the condition they don’t constantly spaz about it kek)
From my experience of being an oblivious autist getting used and abused,, most men don't usually respect women they hook up with before being officialy exclusive, no matter how much of a ~feminist~ they proclaim themselves to be. They will feel no remorse about lying, gaslighting, and breadcrumbing you into sticking around to give them easy sex on demand with less competition for using your body like an appliance, while they also try to fuck as many other women as possible.
There's nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex, but it's not emotionally or even physically safe to have experiences like you're describing with men you don't know well, especially if you're looking for anything more than a cold hearted dick appointment. Men can not even be friends with benefits, they usually just dehumanize you completely after they have sex with no feeling of responsibility. Possibly because they are porn sick, Madonna-whore complex, etc.
I have tried everything. I had sex with guys where we would have great conversations for months (and I saw no red flags) and they still ghosted me after having sex or they drastically changed the way they treated me.
Its frustrating because there is never any certainty.
Find passive aggressive ways to get back at her. The more petty, the better! Beware, though, that she could get back at you, too.
Or you could try taking the high ground, of course.
It has to come from within and not from people's compliments or evaluation of you. If it helps, your self-esteem isn't some immutable thing but really just a culmination of your habits. Every time you could have praised yourself, you nitpicked your features. Every time someone insulted you, you took it as a fact about yourself instead of a reflection of their insecurities and poor self-esteem. Every time you made a mistake you cursed yourself instead of comforting yourself like you would to a good friend or a lover. Every time you berate yourself you leave a mark on your subconscious and it becomes a feedback loop, this negative thinking becomes almost automatic and starts to seem like a part of your personality. Every time you make yourself feel bad or unworthy (and yes, it's a CHOICE to feel this way), flip it around. If you can't feel positive about yourself, at least try a neutral statement first ("hey, maybe x feature isn't too bad"). Make it a habit, you have to do this every day, not just a couple days and then give up, and eventually you'll build confidence and love for yourself.
You could try getting bras that make you feel better, ones with padding, that push up or just look pretty so you can maybe feel better about the appearance of your breasts. Also do remember that most women have breasts that sag to a degree even before having kids, you just don't see those women naked. Every naked picture you see online is posed, touched up, etc.
Try not to get surgery unless it bothers you in a physical way or literally sags down to your tummy or something very extreme.
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I've realized that I've been a passive observer in my life for as long as I can remember. This is due to some weird childhood immigration and some traumas regarding that. I've always been living my life for someone instead for me. Not in the sense of a servant or a doormat, but doing something, like taking piano lessons with a teacher I didn't like just to make my mom happy, that kind of thing. An outsider and I logically would say that I have a good life in all measures: I am pretty healthy with all limbs intact, I graduated university, I work a painfully boring job with good pay and benefits, I have loving parents (traumatized in their ways but still loving) and friends, I've a roof over my head, I'm considered pretty attractive/cute/etc. But I know I can do more and live for myself. There are a ton of things I want to do but I get overwhelmed and retreat back into being an observer instead. What can I do to ensure it happens less? How can I take steps to do what I want to do and stick with it? After 28 years of just seeing, I want to be, as corny as that sounds.
Are you me? I can relate to immigrant trauma and being passive in life and I'm 28.
Secretly planning on putting everything I own into storage and travelling the world indefinitely as a location independent freelancer. I've missed out on so much and now I just want to see everything and do everything.p