/ot/ - off-topic

Additional reference

>parental hate thread
>>354814

>not socialized as a child thread
>>652013

>Anons groomed in childhood thread
>>303056

>>659257
this drawing reminds me of Don Hertzfeldt, very cool

My mother told me that I was one of the reasons she wanted to kill herself.

At one point when I was 13 or 14 my dad beat me brutally with a belt to the point where I pissed myself from fear for being a ‘whore’. I’m pretty sure it’s fucked me up severely psychosexually. Now everyone pretends it never happened.

>>659350
>>659353
I want to kill both of your parents wtf…I'm sorry anons. I know this is what this thread is for, and if it picks up it'll only be more of this if not worse, but literally none of you deserve this. I hope you're doing better now.

My mom had some sort of severe untreated BPD that was exasperated because she was also a junkie. When her marriage with my dad started falling apart she became a lot more unpredictable with her emotions. She would be a totally normal human for maybe 3 days out of the month and the other time was spent with her loudly sobbing in her room all day and night or her going on weird missions around the house. We would constantly get into one sided fights over weird things like if I refused to buy her cigarettes (which I couldn’t buy to begin with since I was 17 when this story went down). But one night she was going off on me about something stupid and she told me that she wished I had never been born and that she wished I was the one who died as a baby and not my brother. To give context before I was born my mom and dad had a son who died after a few months from SIDs. I didn’t say anything to this because I was already so numb to her verbal abuse but she just kept hammering it in how serious she was about hating me and wishing she never birthed such a selfish beast such as myself and how much money she has wasted on me throughout my lifetime.
After she stopped she went back to her room and I burst into tears. I was weirdly too scared/ashamed of her hearing me cry so I went for a walk around the neighborhood so I could blast my music and cry to myself. I was out for maybe 2 hours and when I came back home my mom called me to her room and for some fucking reason. She basically called me in there so she could make me look at her fresh self harm cuts on her arm that “I made her do”. I’m going to end this post prematurely because this is all really hard to type out i’ve never been able to tell anyone about this. I had to live with that woman for 4 more years after that and see the aftermath of 2 suicide attempts where with one she left a letter saying that it’s my fault she’s doing this.

There were lots of awful things but I'll always resent my mother. She had those fits where she was just venting and she would ask me stupid pointless questions. If I answered, bad. If I didn't, worse. So she grabbed my by the hair and smashed my head into the walls. It's a wonder she never caused me serious damage. I started cutting my hair very short because of that.
On the outside she's the perfect mom who babbles about "her perfect baby girl" but in private she used to be like that and my stomach turns when I see her public act. On top she used to verbally abuse me as well, calling me an useless piece of shit every day and my confidence took many years to recover.
I moved out years ago and we get along a little better but she's still wondering why I don't want to hang out alone with her at her home. I always make a point to meet at my place if there's someone else or in a public place because I'm still scared she'll go batshit again.

I'm at complete loss of words, there's nothing an internet rando could possily say anyway, except that I hope you all are in much much better place in life now and are able to leave these things behind.
>>659353
Have you considered seeing a therapist? Can't imagine going through trauma like that alone

>>659396
Kill yourself.

>>659350
I see posts from anonymous moms all across the internet and they always say shit along those lines, that their kids make them want to die just cause they're in crisis mode.

Not that it will make you feel any better, but apparently that's an emotion that a lot of mothers experience. Yours was just too impulsive or unhinged to prevent making it known to you and protect your emotional health.
I couldn't imagine saying fucked up shit to kids like that, but who knows how I'd feel if the shoe was on my foot.

When my teacher used to come to our house to help with me with reading quran etc, my mom would make jokes about us being a couple and being romantic together and me being his wife etc even though I was 9, and he was in his 30s and I was actually getting molested by him during those times but because of my mom's comments I just couldn't tell her about it, so I endured it for a few years till I did mention it to her becausr I just coudn't take it anymore, and she did nothing about it, just told him off and still let him come into our home and he didn't stop doing what he did. My mom apologized to me years later for this, she was crying and requesting me to forgive her and so I did. But I don't really confide in her now.

>>659398
I had a friend with mental health issues and any time she got a few drinks into her she'd start talking about how much he wishes she never had her son and how she doesn't love him but purely feels an obligation to care for him. She'll never say it while sober but she's one of those people where alcohol opens her up. Talks about her CSA when drunk too.

He's a pretty hyper kid, she's on meds that make her tired and her partner is lazy and dismissive.

my mom either tried to kill herself, my sister, and myself in a car crash, or she just pretended she wanted to die. either way, she made me believe it was a serious attempt, which traumatized me, giving me a phobia of cars and driving (i got my license at 22 iirc).

she used it as ammunition against my father: "look how unhappy you make me. i almost killed myself and the kids. this is your fault" essentially. she really wanted a divorce, but was too cowardly to do anything, so she pulled these stunts to convince everyone that she was so fucking miserable. and it almost worked. i was so scared, and i would bring it up to my dad.

my dad could tell it wasn't a serious attempt, that it was just emotional manipulation, but it took me a while to realize that. that she had lied, not just about this but about so many things. that she had been using me since childhood. as a kid i was her therapist, she would tell me how unhappy she was with my dad. when i got older and started to resent her, she traumatized me to make a point. she used me as leverage against my dad. she used me to hurt him.

i hold so much resentment for how she treated me, my sister, and especially my father. he just passed, and he was a damn good man. he loved us more than anything. he put up with more shit from my mom than he should have. i don't care if she's grieving too, i've been avoiding her. i don't want to comfort her because she misses the man she was so desperate to leave. how she treated him was fucking shameful.

i'm so envious of people that have nice, loving, normal mothers. i had a friend in middle school that had a picture perfect relationship with her mother, it was then i realized that was real and not just dumb tv family shit. it feels like something is missing inside me, if that makes sense.

Aside from the molestation and pedoshit, i think some of the other things that really messed me up was my dad. He would constantly fight with my mother and would try to kill her in front of us. He's even tried to suicide with all of us several times. I'm afraid of cars and being in cars. Whenever i go anywhere my blood pressure goes up while driving, i feel like I'm going to die. I hate burdening people with my snowflake behavior, but it truly scares the fuck out of me that i have ended up screaming out of terror. Paranoid, but there are a lot of things that messed me up that still follow me today. Ig one more thing I'm willing to say is i have trouble peeing because a man with a piss fetish did things to me as a child. I have to psych myself up to do it or else my body won't. Recently i was reminded again of it because of a disgusting scrote and the issue began again. I wish i really wasn't born, it's scary to live.

My mom destroyed my room in a fit of rage, when I was around 13 years old, what hurt me the most is that she broke a beautiful handmade clay turtle that my best friend gifted me and ripped appart my favorite books and mangas. She would get angrier if I looked upset so I had to hold back my tears and keep a neutral expression.
I then had to comfort her while she cried about wanting to commit suicide.

>>659427
>i'm so envious of people that have nice, loving, normal mothers.
Same, anon. I remember from an early age my mom would tell me how expensive it was to take care of me, how she regretted having kids, how much better her life was before, etc. Shit is rough to hear when you're a kid. I hated feeling like a burden.

I'm lucky to have a nice extended family, my aunts and uncles are all pretty awesome, but damn did I get fucked in the mom department. Seeing how my friends and their moms interact is insane, they're so caring and supportive. I'm jelly.

>>659435
I'm really sorry for what you had to deal with. It can never really leave you. I feel you so much about how much I could be inconveniencing and annoying people with my behaviour but please know it isn't something that is your fault, and even if someone is visibly annoyed by it, just don't pay it any mind. Because they don't know. I hope you can have many happy days.

>>659427
I can relate to you with the suicide bait, my dad used to do it all the time in fast traffic in the freeway. I'm genuinely sorry you had to go through those things especially with your mom and all.

My dad didn't even do this from a place of rage or meanness but one day when I was about 8 years old I came home and found that every toy that I owned was gone. Every non essential item had been thrown out because my dad thought I was too old for teddy bears and kids things. Every sentimental thing was gone. Still makes no sense to me but to him that was normal parenting to get you to grow up.

I'm in my 30s now and obsessed with hoarding teddy bears… so I think it had quite the opposite effect. I'm so weirdly attached to soft toys and stuggle to see one in a store and leave it there. I still have those memories of being desperate to have something to hold onto for comfort.

I was being sexually abused around that time and they had been my comfort after each incident had happened to me, I remember I had a hiding spot for talking to them about my uncomfortable feelings

my grandpa.

-despise men in general now
-always look for signs of abuse when men have a close relationship with children
-socially anxious, especially around men
-don't get too close to children myself for fear of invading their personal space
-into ddlg

>>659455
>into ddlg
got a surprised kek out of me at the very end.

I'm pretty much the exact same way now as a result of my CSA, minus the ddlg, though I did have an interest in it a few years ago. I'm completely over it now, but I get it.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Men/all pedos can absolutely get fucked, I will never understand how someone can look at a child and want to touch/do anything to them.

>>659452
>my dad didn't do this out of a place of meanness
I dunno anon, throwing out all your child's shit while they're not around so they won't get in the way of "growing up" seems intentionally mean to me. Ffs you were 8 years old, not 18.

The reality is he could have either had a patient albeit uncomfortable conversation with you about coming of age, or taken the easy way out and went above your head to get rid of the totems of so-called immaturity. He chose the latter. It's just sad to see grown adults lacking the emotional intelligence to think of alternative ways to raise their kids. They think the way they were brought up is a-ok just cause of logic like "Well I turned out fine!" Man, no they didn't turn out fine. They're assholes to their kids cause they don't want to deal with their own anger upon realizing their parents were assholes to them too. And look at you anon, you have attachments now because of that trauma. It's very cruel.

I've been dealing with mental illness since I was a child and as such was a pretty difficult kid. Don't get me wrong, I was great in school, wasn't involved with alcohol or drugs or anything like that, but I was absolutely impossible to discipline at home, a menace to my younger sister, and while I had a very close relationship with my Mom it was certainly volatile at times.

Once incident that stands out was when I was in 4th grade. I started freaking out, I don't know what about, and kicked my sister into the wall. My Mom pushed me to the ground and gave me a few good hits in the face, telling me I was a slut and she wished I was never born. She's since apologized but I honestly understand why she did it.

Another was when I was in 8th grade, I was trying to do something with my iPod and my mom was attempting to help but I told her I didn't want her to do what she was doing. She called me a bag of shit and I just quietly went upstairs and took my whole bottle of Prozac thinking it would kill me lol. My Grandma saw the empty pill bottle and told my mom, who spent a good 10 minutes chasing me around the house to try and stick her fingers down my throat before taking me to the hospital. I really think it was at that point where things changed in our relationship. I still had a lot of trouble well into my young adulthood but by the time I entered highschool it turned almost entirely inward instead of towards my sister, and my relationship with my Mom was no longer as adversarial as it once was. I'm 25 now and a lot better than I was even 5 years ago, our family has talked a lot about what happened since and we're all very close and love each other a lot.

I know this isn't as bad as what some people are posting especially since a lot of it stems from me and my bad behaviors as a kid but maybe someone out there can relate

>>659272
I swear to god all these threads are coming off like user profiling. TIME TO LARP.

I'll try to be quick but oh well

>Distant family, mom is a bit uncaring and dad works full time till 10pm
>Learned that if I wanted to be even considered other than feeding-bathing-clothing needs, I have to be good in school, so I became a Straight A student, not a biggie but eh, still shitty
>They divorce, mom brings me with her, starts dating a BPD man.
>In the beginning, both me and my mother are smothered with gifts, taken to expensive travels by this man etc, he gives me money, by this time I was 8
>Mom is pregnant by this man, gets a 1000usd baby check from the state and Shithead, let's call him this way, finds out I get money from my dad, money that is LEGALLY MINE, ONLY FOR ME.
>Shithead drops job and tells my mum we can survive off that money (500usd a month for 4 PEOPLE????) or he will abuse her
>Shithead steals that money, buys videogames, stays at home, if my mom tells him to fucking work while she's pregnant, Shithead screams at the top of his lungs, calls her names, beats me too
>Since Shithead sees that my mom doesn't care, when Mom is out for groceries he starts to abuse me sexually, for 3 years (9 to 12)
>Completely forget about the abuse, I just remember his fucking tongue on me and when I was 15 and had my first kiss I cried, that's when I remembered everything
>Live in absolute fucking terror:
Mom has given birth so now we are 4, but she can't work because Shithead says "I'm checking you every day, you're not going outside this house, because if you lie and say that you're going to work and I find you with another man, I'll kill you." My mom never ever cheated.
Never asked for anything. I needed clothes and my mom had to call my aunt in secret to send something as little as 30usd to buy me pants and shirts and undies and ALWAYS had to tell Shithead that they were gifts because well…he wont let my mom work and he didn't work and the only money was to feed ourselves.
If I had birthday money from my relatives, I had to HIDE it or he will scream at me saying that I had to pay my rent part (at 14, yes.)
If I got a new phone from my dad, who was absent but never really treated me bad always there for my needs, I had to tell Shithead that it was a christmas gift and for example, if my phone broke in July, I had to pretend I had no phone till December and the pull it up after Xmas.
I want to do some art classes, Shithead yells at my mom saying she's stupid and selfish because art isn't going to get me a job and she had to "educate me" (Art is now my job and he cleans old people's butt for a living.) and bans me for using MY computer for months.
I had hormonal problems (PCOS since 15) and I was a little chubby, if I ate something outside the house, such an ice cream with friends, he would come home later and laugh at me saying "(ME) ate an ice cream!! She would even ate two or three!! Fatty!!" like a middle school kid at 45 but I was exercising everyday because me and my friends like running.
One time I was opening a mayo jar and put the lid on the table , my sister was little at the time and she immediatly grabbed it, Shithead hit me. Why? "You don't have to keep stuff in her reach!!" I screamed in response for the first time "SHUT UP!!", he kicked me and mom out of the house. Some hours later, he went to us and cried that he loved us both and my mom was stupid and believe it.
For another 5 years, he kept stealing money from me, for a total of 40kusd, and he was jobless ever since.
When I turned 18, my family gifted me a new laptop and I was working from 1PM to 8PM.
He said that if when I came home I didn't help him with his computer, he would smash mine. Had to keep it up.
This went on since I was 21 and I forcefully ran away and took my mom with me, he then lived in absolute poverty till his mom took him home at fucking 95 because he went crying to her that we were bad.

I put up around 12 years of this shit and now with therapy I learned to recognize my cptsd symptomps:
- I am a people pleaser. I fawn a lot to avoid anyone screaming at me to the point that I cry sometimes during sex because I don't want to say no or the other person will hit me.
- In our new house, I can't bear my mom staying in my own room (before getting here, all of us 4 slept IN THE SAME ROOM because we couldn't afford a bigger house) for more than a few minutes
- I flinch if anything moves around me and I am hypervigilant. In sunny days, I flinch at my own shadow.
- I can't stand people screaming, if my neighbours have a small argument, I start banging on the wall since SHUT THE FUCK UP!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SCREAM???
- I hide my food and eat very little, around 700kcal a day and weight myself everyday, I don't eat at the table with others, I don't like to eat out with friends.
- I dissociate while I do daily tasks because even washing dishes brings me memory of him smashing them. I just stop doing stuff for a few minutes, sometimes I even burn food because I dissociate so hard, the time just passes and I'm stuck in flashbacks.
- I have an excuse for everything, to the point sometimes I feel like a pathological liar, but it's literally to avoid some sort of imaginary punishment. For example, I got a new phone a couple of months ago with my own money and if anyone asks how much it did cost since it's a high end phone, I always say less and say that "somebody helped me getting it" and every questions sounds like an aggression. For example, I had a sub with friends some days ago and didn't specified I didn't want tomatoes but the subway guy put them, so I discarded them, my friend asked "Why did you put away the tomatoes?" and I instantly went to pick them up and he said "No, no, no I just thought you maybe don't like them, stop justyifing yourself". They know of my past and I feel so bad they have to put up with my shit.
- I am now 25 but feel like 14. My late childhood and teenager years were robbed so I'm "living" now as the child and teenager I never was. I know I am an adult, I know my responsabilities, I do work, I have a stable relationship but I still find myself seeking comfort in toys, videogames and that's a problem when you have your own money, let's say that I like toy stores and if I see a toy that I like I just buy it and I dress like a teen, people sometimes ask for my IDs…….
- I don't feel deserving of anything. I always feel I have to validate my existence for feeling okay with the thought of others loving me. If someone says that they love me I always ask "Why?"
I don't want a reply, I just cannot understand why would someone love me. I don't even like receiving gifts or celebrating my birthday.
- If I feel that someday I did bad (getting an assignment wrong,
not replying right away to a friend), even if everyone says it's okay, I injure myself because I deserve it and my blood is poison that needs to be out of me.
- I don't like having meaningful relationship because I costantly feel that people are going to leave me/something bad is gonna happen to them. Life happens, people come and go, myself I've been in a couple relationships but if people leave I just think "I wasn't good enough" and don't even think about even discuss it because I am not worth of it. I just let people go.
I am now in therapy, I'm trying to be a functional human being but life still sucks, I'm trying to live both as an adult and both as person with their own emotions, needs, boundaries. My therapist described me as a living paradox due to having a very severe and precise inner critical that brings me out of the bed in the morning and puts me up with college and work life in a maniac way and a wounded inner child that cries if someone looks at me and needs to be told it's okay.
The light inside has broken many years ago but I still work. Kinda.

My dad left me with one of my aunties for a few hours even after I begged him not to cuz she creeped me out. She molested me while he was gone. When I told me parents about what happened they kinda gaslit me about it for years. Said stuff like, you sure you didn't just dream that anon? But they finally admitted that they fucked up and my dad apologized and I never interact with that auntie anymore or much of that side of the family in general. Love my parents tho. Still salty about it tho because I begged my dad not to leave me that day but he insisted he couldn't take me on his business trip or whatever. Also the trauma kinda fucked with my ability to trust people and made me sex adverse. Or maybe I'm just asexual idk

>>659452
Anon are you me??? Toys are just…good boys.

>>659452
When I was like 10, my family decided that my math grades weren’t good enough so they threw out bookshelf worth of manga my older cousins left for me. I genuinely had thoughts of yeeting myself into traffic coming home from 5th grade.

I grew up with some domestic abuse in my life. I came into the environment when I was about 9 months old, and finally got out of it when I was 10. Male family member hitting their spouse, the usual I suppose. I know your childhood basically shapes who you become to be later down the line but, I don't let it effect me.

My mom was terrified of something happening to me because of her childhood so I was very sheltered. Stranger danger was engrained into me at a young age and I was always terrified of men and overly obedient to authority. Doesn't matter because my doctor molested me anyway. Then my little sibling was born and had autism and was very low-functioning as a young child. He would bite me and meltdown so badly I locked myself in the bathroom. Because he was difficult, my parents just hid us away. We didn't go anywhere. I flourished at school and had lots of friends but every year, come summer, I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I spent every summer 0-18 locked in my house playing by myself. I didn't have technology until I was much older too so I had no way of talking to my friends. Now I've got seasonal depression but it only happens in the summer, which is fucked. I was also not allowed to show any emotion other than happy or I was screamed at. I'm unlearning everything now but it's difficult.

>>659353
OMG, I'm not the only teen that pissed herself being beaten by her father! It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

I feel like a case study in intergenerational trauma. This is a bit of a long one, so strap in, gals.

>grandparents experience Holocaust, concentration camps
>grandmother married off to a violently abusive and alcoholic man she doesn't even want to be with but has no choice
>mom beaten brutally, abused and molested throughout childhood by my drunk grandfather
>only reprieve my maternal family gets is when my grandfather goes to prison briefly for murdering someone
>mom is raped as teen, gets pregnant
>she flees Eastern Bloc country as a single mother and gives birth to my older brother
>mom beats older brother intensely throughout childhood
>he becomes a problem child
>grandparents eventually join mother in new country
>grandfather's violent chaos continues
>he pushes my grandmother down flights of stairs and gives her brain damage
>grandmother develops dementia following her brain injuries that worsen with each passing year, becomes terminal
>family becomes my grandmother's caretaker
>nearly two decades have passed since coming to the new country
>grandfather finally dies, fuck yeah
>mom marries my father
>am born shortly thereafter
>younger brother follows a couple years later
>older brother becomes an alcoholic with suicidal tendencies
>am tasked with making sure he doesn't choke on his vomit or kill himself throughout the night
>he frequently displays frightening, angry and erratic behavior that scares me and my younger brother
>parents always busy working or taking care of grandma
>get groomed and molested by male babysitter
>get molested by female babysitter, makes me piss myself repeatedly
>same female babysitter humiliates me daily to the point of tears a few years down the line
>be constantly exposed to pornography via purposeful grooming and accidental exposure
>develop bed wetting problem, lasts til grade school
>develop porn obsession, lasts til 20's
>develop early compulsive masturbation, lasts til 20's
>constantly catcalled as a child by dirty men outside my building
>get run over by a car
>all before the age of 5
>mom loathes motherhood
>tells me she planned on aborting me but my father asked her not to so she didn't
>parents have an obviously bizarre sense of boundaries
>mother is constantly nude at home and in view of strangers
>crude and obnoxious in public
>does weird things like inspect my breasts, smack my ass and use the rectal thermometer past the appropriate age
>both parents have sex while in the room with sleeping children
>home gets robbed by grandma's professional caretaker
>blamed for not doing a better job of stopping it at 10 years old
>younger brother develops chronic illness
>neither parent monitors his health
>tasked with taking care of him but I do a shit job because I'm a child
>he never learned how to manage his illness
>still in poor health
>feelsbadman.jpeg
>parents always fighting, mom degrades dad daily
>usually fighting about money
>develop compulsive stealing problem, fear spending money
>leads to compulsive thrifting and then compulsive spending as adult
>mother is intensely abusive and volatile throughout childhood
>sometimes physical abuse, mostly verbal
>calls me absolutely horrible names, shames me for my appearance
>no self esteem to speak of
>only way mother shows affection is through food
>develop ED behavior in middle school
>still struggle with it
>always lonely
>get bullied at school
>be bully at home
>no friends
>when I do make a few friends, they usually treat me like shit
>take it because I don't know any better
>never learn how to say no when I'm uncomfortable
>leads to sexual and interpersonal trauma as an adult
>parents treat me like third parent
>am always taking care of siblings and parents before myself
>must tend to entire household's chores daily or face mother's wrath
>must manage overwhelming financial and legal matters as a child because immigrant parents can't speak new language
>feel like I must always fulfill my obligations to others or be seen as worthless
>leads to sexual and interpersonal trauma as an adult


Despite all of this, I'm doing relatively okay now. I'm committed to breaking the cycle of abuse by not having children, and I'm really big on educating people on the prevalence and negative effects of childhood abuse. I occasionally ruminate on my childhood, but I try to be present and future-oriented. A brief stint in talk therapy was somewhat helpful. I've been lucky enough to have some kind and caring people in my life that have helped me along the way.

>>659452
My mom did this to me with toys and pets.

When I was 3 or 4 she bought turtles as pets for me in my room. Well apparently I didn't interact with them enough, which makes sense since I could barely see the tank that she put on a dresser taller than me, so she got rid of them. I had a calico cat when I was around 6, and one day when I returned home from school my mom told me that the cat had run away. Later she told me she just gave the cat up because she was tired of caring for it. I have vague memories like this for a multitude of animals she bought and then got rid of. Guess she was angry at me because I was a child and couldn't assume the responsibilities of taking care of the animals like another adult would.
As far as toys were concerned, she threw out anything she thought I wouldn't miss or did not want to have a discussion with me about. If she didn't like something it was as good as pitched. She'd pretend to accidentally break things she didn't want me to have anymore.

When I was younger, my mom used to beat me whenever I talked back or did badly in school. I don't consider it abuse since I guess it's normal for Asian parents to hit their kids, but some of the stuff I still hold on to and think was really unfair because I was just a kid! Like when I was in Elementary school I remember her lecturing me in the car (don't remember why) and I had just finished school and was really tired. When she asked me why I wasn't saying anything, I told her it was because I was tired and wanted to wait until we got home to talk. She hit me and lectured me another few hours about how I didn't care- for what? For honestly telling her I was tired? I think slapping your kids or whatever is normal in some cultures, but sometimes she would pull my hair out in clumps or slap me so hard my nose or lip would start bleeding, which I don't think is okay! My other Asian friends never understood why I was so scared of making my mom mad because their moms hit them too, but I wonder if it was also to that extent. As a kid, whenever I got in trouble I used to throw tantrums and hit myself or pull out my hair because I was so scared of my mom finding out.

She doesn't do that anymore obviously and she apologized for it and said it was a stressful time in her life because she was working fulltime and taking care of both me and my brother while my dad basically contributed nothing except household income (and she was also having a lot of problems with him). I understand that and forgive her for it, but I'm not allowed to talk about it apparently because I remember in high school telling her that maybe one of the reasons why I'm so afraid of confrontation is because she used to hit me every time I talked back as a child. It made her have a mental breakdown and she told me that she felt like I'd only be happy if she killed herself.

For the most part my mom and I are fine. She's pretty codependent on me and now that she's getting older she still becomes upset and says she wants to kill herself whenever I end up accidentally doing something that makes her think I don't care about her. She has a weird fear of getting Alzheimers and is afraid I won't take care of her (or even abuse her??) when she gets it (which I don't think she will! no one in my family has Alzheimers and she's still in her 50s). She and my dad never loved each other and I think it makes her feel really lonely so she projects it all onto me and my brother. I don't even know what love is supposed to look like. I've never been in a relationship and I feel like my childhood shaped a lot of why this happened, though I wish I just knew exactly how. Anyway it was nice to get this off my chest. I don't talk about this stuff irl because it feels like I'm powerleveling or something and I acknowledge people have experienced much worse (most of the anons in this thread), but it was nice to put it out there.

Also speaking of the other anons in this thread, I know it doesn't mean anything but I'm so sorry for the things that happened to you and none of you deserved any of it. I understand that having kids is stressful and abuse is often cyclical, but I don't think that excuses anyone from treating their kids as essentially less than human. It's fucked up.

>>659610
This sounds kind of scrotey but I'm ayrt and yeah, same. I truly wanted to die in that moment. I really do hate my dad now, I can't trust him because I know if he suspected I was going against him he would do worse in the blink of an eye. I'm also really clingy now because I'm always trying to find someone who'll love me properly.

I feel like sharing this here is just honey for Peter Sotos types so no thanks

>>659673
off topic but i hope peter sotos gets brutally raped and killed in a slow, agonising fashion.

>>659670
Sorry for sounding like a retard, it's just something that I've never told anyone (not even my therapist).

>>659693
On topic by proxy, this thread will attract some nasty people.

This is the 3rd weird thread on here, it starts to feel a lot like CC. Gross.

>>659745
Yeah the timing is… well. Doesn’t feel right to have a thread like this, why give people free trauma porn

>>659745
It's extremely suspicious, especially considering this site was literally created to make fun of people with shitty lives
Why would /we/ pat each other on the asses for our miserable lives?
/We/ would not.
Somebody else is making these threads.

>>659387
I'm sorry anon, hope you're doing better now.

>>659771
Hi, I'm OP, I just made this thread inspired by a video I saw on youtube by Askbobnob and my own experiences since it was a bad day filled with flashbacks, I only saw right now the other threads and holy shit what

>>659350
Idk why so many parents pull this shit. That a big red flag and I'm always pro at some kind of test before becoming parents

>>659350
similar, mother told me to remember that it was all my fault when she dies. i still remember.

After my parents got divorced my mom had custody of my little sisters. She’s very mentally ill and totally unstable yet my dad said he didn’t want to fight for them in court because “he didn’t want to be the reason she killed herself” (he’s actually just a narcissistic alcoholic lol) anyways my sisters stopped coming to my dads for months at a time because “they didn’t want to” and my mom started dating a single dad with 4 teenage boys. My mom withdrew my sisters from school and moved in with this guy and meanwhile my dad doesn’t give a shit about my little sisters (meanwhile I’m struggling with severe anorexic and self harm literally I didn’t think I would make it to age 18) my sisters ended up being sexually molested by my “step brothers’. They tell my mom and apparently she said “that’s just what men do” and my new step dad tells them not to tell anyone or else their whole family would be taken away and cps would make them all go to different homes. My 11 year old sisters don’t tell anyone for another year and endure more abuse than I can really fathom. Didn’t even have a room there they were sleeping in their “stepbrothers” beds bc no where else to sleep. I didn’t have a relationship with my mom and ignored her for years during this time because she is really really emotionally abusive and I couldn’t handle being around her (I actually have ptsd but I didn’t know this when I was a teenager) one thanksgiving I miss my sisters so much I decide to go to my moms. When I see the state of the hoarder-filthy- covered in cat piss house and find out my sisters have no bedrooms I start asking them where they sleep. One of my sisters says the other is dating one of my step brothers and sleeps in his bed naked. I literally confront my mom and she says she wouldn’t let anything go on in her house that she didn’t approve of?? Like what the fuck ok so I go home and tel my dad everything. He said I’m probably just exaggerating how bad it was and how mentally ill my mom is and how she could kill herself if he tried to get custody of my sisters. I’m literally heartbroken and so disgusted I call CPS and the local cops right then. Dad gets scared and goes to get my sisters to bring them to our house. Sisters lie to cps but I tell them what I saw. Cps determines my moms home unfit to house my sisters and they end up living with us. A few weeks in one of my sisters breaks down and tells me everything that happened and how my mom wouldn’t let them leave or she would threaten to kill herself. She even took out her retiring fund years prior after quitting her job, spent it all on a cruise ship vacation (I wasn’t invited but again I wasn’t interested in being around her at the time) and locked my sisters in a room with her WHILE SHE TOOK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF PILLS telling them it was because she “couldn’t take this family anymore” my sisters call officials on the cruise ship and they had to pump her stomach??? But because they were in Mexico cps never got involved really nothing happened?? Step dad told them not to tell anyone???!! My sister is literally so traumatized and begs me not to tell anyone. I live with that for about a year (I’m only 15) and realize I can’t hold it in. I tell my dad about the suicide attempt and he decides to get them a therapist (thank god). The sexual abuse/ incest never really has been resolved or come out in the open.. but my sisters are doing okay. They’re seniors in high school now and going to a nice university next year. I know they’re really depressed and we all have been diagnosed with PTSD but they’re growing and recovering at least.. I still will never understand why my parents let this abuse happen. We had a really normal childhood before the divorce it all happened so fast. I don’t know why I had to be the adult in the situation still but it made me grow up really fast. I stopped self harming because I knew I had to be a good role model for my sisters and I’ve tried to be the most stable normal person in their lives that I can be. I completely lost all respect for my parents and realized the only real justification I can come up with for all of this is that maybe I’ll be a really good parent because of my fucked up childhood?? I hope?

>>660309
Also my mom and stepdad are living in a trailer park now with no jobs and I think they do drugs. My sisters cut off my mom entirely and the step brothers live with their Bio mom / on their own. I sometimes wonder if they ever think about their step sisters they molested/ protected getting molested. They were all too old to just do nothing they could have done something. Men are disgusting

Is having apathetic parents a valid rough childhood experience? My dad spent time with me and was loving and all but both of my parents were just apathetic about my academics, social abilities, self-esteem, etc. I feel like they either never paid attention or weren't phased by the fact that I spent all day every day indoors as a kid on my computer. Never genuinely asked me about my goals, interests, or why I looked so fucking sad all the time. It's caused me to be a unequipped adult with a lot of depression and even now that it's clear that I'm not doing well, for the most part they just pretend like it's not happening.

>>660354
anon are you me? my parents were way overprotective not letting me leave the house ever but besides that I was left completely to my own devices; it's like they took care of me but never actively tried to raise me if that makes sense. At one point at 17 I started starving myself and lost an insane amount of weight and they barely acknowledged it at all even though it was obvious to everyone else. My mom is very affectionate and I know she loves me but it's like she's emotionally detatched on a deeper level, because she never tried to know me at all. I remember thinking as a teenager that they "ignored" me like that because they didn't see me as a real person

>>660370
Yes anon, I am you. Because my parents were also extremely overprotective. I wasn't allowed to even walk around the block until I was like 18. I was basically forced to stay indoors but they made no effort to make sure my brain wasn't rotting. Now they're like "Why don't you go hang out with your friends?" Bitch what friends, where was I meant to make friends. You think I had the social skills to make long term friends in college? I'm socially adequate, but on a surface level. Forming deep bonds and being vulnerable are impossible for me because I didn't even get that with my own parents.

>>660377
>"Why don't you go hang out with your friends?" Bitch what friends, where was I meant to make friends.
Same omg. In HS anytime I'd ask them to hang out with people they'd make a huge deal about it to the point where I just stopped asking altogether and made up excuses bc I felt guilty and often it would result in them fighting. One of my biggest regrets about my teenage years is being so docile, maybe if I'd been more difficult they'd have actually payed attention to me and not let me grow up isolated with the internet as my only form of entertainment
>Forming deep bonds and being vulnerable are impossible for me because I didn't even get that with my own parents.
ok wow I'm the exact same but I'd never connected it to my parents until now. It makes so much sense, I have two "close" friends who I'm very affectionate with and spend (or used to spend, before the pandemic) a lot of time with but I've never been truly open with them, I keep all my real problems to myself. One of them has been my best friend since middle school and we have this dynamic where we're affectionate and act like best friends, but really we've always kept most of our problems from each other, like we have an unspoken agreement to not talk about real stuff. Actually even my relationship with my one online friend is like this. Just like with my mother. Thank you anon you just made me figure that out. Is this what going to therapy is like??

>>660354
I feel like someone else mentioned this (probably here) but in the same vein I find it sad parents presume their children are doing awesome so long as they get good grades and don't drink/do drugs/get knocked up. For all intents and purposes I was a golden child who got straight A's, never partied and had wholesome hobbies like playing soccer and reading. But beyond that I had no clue how to properly interact with people, felt my purpose in life was to get a degree and make lots of money (not to put towards a goal, just because it would make my parents proud) and walked around in a haze of depression wondering why I was doing everything "right" yet never seemed to feel happy like everyone else.

Oh, and having my overprotective mother constantly ask why I didn't go on dates when the one time I accidentally stayed out too late (with a friend) she called the cops on me was fun. Felt like I couldn't even take a piss without her knowing about it. Then when I got an abusive asshole boyfriend at 20 (because I didn't even know what a normal date should've looked like, much less a functional relationship) she was suddenly shocked, shocked(!) that I would allow someone to treat me like that.

My experiences are a lot less traumatic than most of the anons here, I know I'm very fortunate in a lot of ways. I'm just disturbed that many parents believe academic performance is somehow a complete substitute for learning about the real world.

my mom put me and my brother in tennis classes as children and it was a terrible experience for me only. lots of awful memories coming back.

>felt out of place for being mixed and started getting paranoid, thinking everyone hated me for that
>not having any female friends my age ad getting ostracized by the boys
>my only friend used to be bullied and mocked by the older guys, they almost got him electrocuted
>used to cry a lot during classes and even tournaments
>had to play against my own brother at a finale, the pressure made me cry in front of a full crowd and ended up losing as well
>not only lost but was playing as a team so felt very guilty for not being able to win and disappointing my two teammates
>saw my brother getting carried by his teammates and wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole
>never fared well in competitions cause i couldn't handle the pressure and hated losing
>every time i lost my mom never consoled me, she'd de glaring with a cold stare while i played

there's more but i'd rather not remember it. all i know is this period of my life did a lot a damage to my self steem and it took a long time until i got over my complex. it also made me realize my mom'd never be my friend, she'll always be just my mom.

>>659642
I know this is an older post now, but I just wanted to say that your story is very inspirational despite all the horrible things you went through. I'm really sorry you had to endure all that, but it makes me happy to know you're doing better now and even making the effort to educate other people about childhood abuse. You sound very strong and I'm glad you finally ended up with properly supportive people in your life.

>Mother was always controlling and treated me like a part of herself or her little doll.
>She also has some kind of OCD and I was forced to respect the rules she made up in her head.
>My father hit my older brother with a belt every time he misbehaved.
>Said older brother at some point started touching me in places and ways you shouldn't touch a child, but I was dumb and I didn't tell him to stop.
>Parents were always open about their sex life in front of their kids, my father openly threw fits because he couldn't get sex.
>I started masturbating at a very young age (5 maybe?), in my teenage years I stated looking at porn and >I probably have an addiction now. >My father attempted suicide once while I was in middle school, he left in the morning and then sent a message to my mother that he was going to jump under a train, he was found at the station.
>I start feeling anxious every time someone leaves for hours and doesn't answer the phone.
>Father started stalking my brother around when he was out with friends because he suspected he was gay
>I become afraid of being followed and keep secret about everything I do, even if it's harmless.
>I start to do an after-school activity that I enjoyed (I learned to play the clarinet)
>Everything goes well until my father starts becoming jealous of my music intructor
>He irrationally thinks my mother is cheating on him with my music instructor
>After many meltdowns, scenes and name calling by my father I stop going to the lessons
>I still have the clarinet, but to this day I can't bring myself to touch it
>I now can't stand them knowing about what I do and what I like to do in fear of ruining it
>Due to my mother's behaviour I never really made friends, since she didn't allow me to see anyone or go anywhere after school.
>Thinking like an idiot that if I did well in school she would "repay" me
>I start being the perfect kid with good grades who thinks only about school
>While managing their emails and bank accounts online, discussing bills and budget, lending them money, paying some of the bills, writing to lawyers in their stead because they're too stupid to do it themselves
>Nothing changes, just now parents can boast about their good girl to everyone
>Manage to get good grades and study while parents argue LITERALLY every day, I had to stay in their presence because me and my brother were never granted a room
>High school years are mostly me studying and passing hours and hours at the computer after school.
>Last year of high school my mother has to get her uterus removed
>She doesn't manage well and the hormonal imbalances make her depressed
>A couple of months of her saying she wanted to die during surgery because her kids and family and life suck
>I become her fucking therapist while I'm already stressed because of exams and deciding what to do with the future
>I now suffer from a lot of debilitating pains and symptoms from built up anxiety and stress
>Parents now resent me because I was a golden good girl and now I can't do anything and I became a stupid jobless neet

It's funny how every time I attempt to tell anyone in my family that there's something wrong with them they all forget this shit has ever happened. I'm too dramatic, it's not that bad. From the outside everything seems just a little weird, I've had a therapist tell me that it's normal for a family to have "some troubles".

>>660626

The thing about escaping into studying really makes them think everything's fine when it's definitely not. Apparently that was part of Britanny Zamora's fucked up backstory.