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No. 410647

I was inspired by the subreddit. This is a thread to ask other anons if you're being the asshole in a particular situation or if you're in the right.

>there's a cat that always chills around the neighborhood

>no collar or any indicator he belonged to anyone
>always coming up to me demanding affection
>took him in assuming he's a stray
>get him collar and stop letting him outside
>after a week start seeing missing posters with a cat that's most likely him in them
>ignore them, telling myself it's not
>his owner contacts me on Facebook a few months later saying she thinks it's her cat and that she wants it back (apparently a neighbor tipped her off that I might have him because she saw him through the window)
>I lie and tell her I've had him for longer than her cat's been missing and there's no way they're the same cat

I feel bad, but who the fuck let's their cat be outdoors in an area filled with fisher cats, dog breeds known for being predatorial toward cars, heavy traffic, and doesn't even put a collar/name tag on them? Not only are this cat and I super bonded at this point, but I would genuinely worry about his safety going back to someone who lacks this much common sense.

No. 410648

>dog breeds known for being predatorial toward cats

No. 410650

>coworker wants to hang out beyond work
>she's a mostly nice person but we have no hobbies in common
>also she says some really ignorant shit about lgbt/other races sometimes
>but overall she's very kind
>don't want to hang out with her tho so keep lying about being busy

I get the feeling she's a little lonely and doesn't have that many friends; she also asks me really strange questions sometimes that almost seem like they'd be reserved for a date? Just… stuff about me that feels almost forced, and should just come up naturally in a convo if we're becoming true friends. IDK it feels like she's trying to force a friendship but I feel like a jerk for withdrawing. I don't really want to get to know her super closely. I already have a core group of close friends like that anyway.

No. 410651


i think you're a bit of an asshole but for good reason tbh, if you're bonded and its treated well then so be it

domestic cats should NOT be outdoor cats, so like…sorry lady lmao you obviously didn't care enough to worry until it was gone

not like she can prove its hers anyway

No. 410653

No one is entitled to your attention or frienship, anon. You aren't the asshole for just not wanting to be friends with someone. If you don't enjoy spending time with her, you have no obligation to stick around.

No. 410657

Please go back to fucking reddit, we don't need this shit

No. 410658

I don't see what the problem with this kind of thread is? I like it.

Just ignore it if you don't like it.

No. 410659

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends with someone because you don't feel a connection, even if they are nice.

No. 410665

Of course you like it… You made it. This site doesn't need to entertain more annoying plebbitors. They're bar none the least desirable outsiders.

No. 410668

You basically stole the cat because the cat was being a slut for attention like how most cats are.
But the original owner is also an asshole for letting their cat outside, anything else could have happened to it like being eaten or hit by a car.

Not the asshole.

No. 410670

who cares? the catalog is gigantic and this will die if no one cares about it

No. 410672

But really, would you rather hear if you're an asshole from idiotic, cumbrained, misogynistic scrotes on Reddit, or from (halfway) sane anons who have no interest in gaslighting and/or shilling political agendas?
As long as the gross run-off from Reddit don't make their way here, I think it's fine.

No. 410673

You are, I can't imagine someone stealing my cat and acting smug about it online on top of it. Btw in tons of places in the world letting your cat indoors is considered cruel and abusive

No. 410674

OP here- this. I trust the judgement of you guys far more than the average Reddit user, which is one of the reasons I wanted a thread of that theme here.

No. 410677

Well, the general consensus of cat welfare organizations in the USA is that you absolutely 100% shouldn't have outdoor cats for a laundry list of reasons (cars, predators, diseases, etc). Here the average life expectancy for an outdoor cat is 3-5 years and there is no proven reason why letting them outside is necessary. What countries are these that consider indoor cats animal abuse? Perhaps they don't have the same issues we have in the USA that make it so deadly, but I have a hard time believing that.

No. 410681

Then put a fucking tag on your cat. It's not that hard. A tagless outdoor cat is basically a stray to anyone who doesn't know you.

No. 410684

I'm sorry but OP is clearly saying that she has seen that the owner is actively looking for her cat and has flat out lied about stealing it? It's not like she took in a starving stray animal.
In most of Europe, people believe the cat's well being and happiness is most important than his owner's wishes.

No. 410686

How is it beneficial for a cat‘s wellbeing to be run over by a car?
I got my cat from a shelter, she was dying outside before someone found her. Never letting my baby outside, the risk is way too high.

No. 410687

Cats like to run around, play, laze in the shade etc. I used to live in house with a garden so I let my cat in and out the house for many years and he never had an issue. Now he lives in an apartment he's exclusively an indoors cat. It's really not big of a deal but OP is still a thief.

No. 410688

I am searching every single combination of words I can think of to find anywhere where indoor cats are considered animal abuse or against the law and finding nothing. Provide specific countries please.

>the cat's well being and happiness is most important than his owner's wishes.

Which is why they should always be indoors. What part of "significantly shorter lifespan" is so hard to understand?

No. 410689

Cats enjoy the outside until some neighbor's dog or a tire is tearing them to shreds.

And if you don't want someone to accidentally steal your cat, I repeat: put a damn tag on it. It's not yours anymore the second you let it outside without a tag or microchip.

No. 410692

It really depends on where you live, as you said. If I lived in the countryside with little traffic or other things that could hurt my cat, she'd be an outdoor cat too.
Unfortunately I don’t live in a place like that at all, so she has to stay inside.

We’re always worried about her not tolerating a collar though, because what if she gets outside somehow one day and what OP described happens?

No. 410694

You people don't understand the purpose of this thread I am afraid. What's the point of ''am i an asshole?'' thread if you're just looking for people to hugbox you and polarizing opinions in your favour?
If you can't comprehend that in many countries outside the US, people live in the countryside with few cars and danger IDK what to tell you. Btw collars are a choking hazard since they can get caught in branches etc. Seems more like a comestic accessory than anything else.

No. 410697

Why do cat fags always go on about how it’s ~natural~ for cats to want to roam and how they should be ~free~ if they want to be. Yeah, no shit they want to roam outdoors, every animal does, and yet I don’t see people frothing at the mouth at the suggestion that animals like dogs and rabbits shouldn’t be allowed to just roam. Domesticated animals should be kept indoors for their own benefit unless they are supervised/within a closed off space (like a cat run) because they’re domesticated and can’t adequately care for themselves.

No. 410698

Samefag but cats are also huge threats to natural fauna and actively decrease numbers of local birds and other small wildlife when allowed to roam

No. 410699

Yes you are. Not giving it a tag doesn't mean the owner doesn't give a fuck about it and obviously now they are even searching for it. You're trying to find reasons to rationalize theft to feel better about it.

No. 410700

If you let your cat outdoors unsupervised, you consent to it being attacked by a dog, attacked by other cats, run over by a car, taken by a psycho and killed/tortured, poisoned by neighbors, somehow getting lost or trapped somewhere, and just generally being hurt or dying.

There is no reason not to keep a cat indoors. Fucking play with it to stimulate its mind. Get it cat trees and toys and other things to play with. This isn't difficult.

No. 410701

Because your position should have rationality behind it either way you go. And you haven't even named one place where it's illegal to have indoor cats even though you've been asked twice.

No. 410704

Actually, from a legal stand point it isn't theft if there is no collar or microchip establishing this cat as the other women's property.

No. 410705

It is illegal nowhere yet it is common practice for people to let cat outdoors. I've never said it was illegal, I've said it was socially shunned. Get your facts right. Laws against animal abuse are extremely rare everywhere.

No. 410706

This. It sucks but if that person got their car back they’d just let it out again and its lifespan statistically would be cut severely. Disease, infection from fighting other cats or animals, getting hit by cars. I’ve done a lot of catsitting when I was growing up and about half the cats I’ve worked with that were outdoor cats ended up with grievous injuries from cars or dying prematurely. So yeah I agree it’s a dick move but the owner of that cat was also a dick who clearly didn’t care if their cat got hurt or died.

No. 410707

When you leave your house, you consent to being mugged, robbed, run over by a car, get in a car accident, get killed by a psycho, get contagious infections etc yet you don't stay indoors all the time, do you? There are many things that could happen that are out completely out of your control after all.

No. 410708

That analogy is completely off base due to the average lifespans of indoor vs outdoor cats. Being a NEET doesn’t double or triple people’s lifespan. The only thing comparable for human beings in terms of making them die that much earlier on average would be hard drugs like heroin. But we should let our children do heroin if it makes them happy, who cares if they die at 20! That’s how dangerous it is for cats to be outdoors statistically.

No. 410709

>Btw in tons of places in the world letting your cat indoors is considered cruel and abusive
Using that phrasing made it sound like you were saying it was illegal and you did not clarify what you meant until now. Anyone who thinks it's abusive to greatly lower your cat's chance of dying is either a nutjob or horribly uneducated on the subject, but shouldn't own a cat either way.

Also, your previous argument that collars are mostly cosmetic is absolutely retarded. You are participating in a conversation that centers around how black of identification can lead to people mistaking your cat for a stray. How can you be so dumb to say they're just an aesthetic thing in this context?

No. 410712

So you would rather live 90 years completely miserable in prison than 50 years free?
It's funny for someone how hell bent on safety you are, you would put your cat's health in jeopardy for the sake of identification. Many more ways exist like tattoos and microchips.
Stop thinking a cat living outdoors equals immediate death lol. My cat lived 6 years outdoors/indoors before becoming a complete indoors cat. Statistics are skewed since they refer to stray cats, not outdoors cats who also get fed and medically treated by human beings.

No. 410713

Except that our lifespan doesn't decrease in average to about 1/5 of what it otherwise would be and there is absolutely no concrete evidence that outdoor cats have a higher quality of life than indoor other than "they seem happier!" by outdoor-fags.

No. 410715

Would you let any other animal just roam outdoors unsupervised?

No. 410716

You should let your cat out a few times and report back your findings on whether he wants to go home or not then.

No. 410717

If they aren't a danger to humans, yes.

No. 410718

Double digit IQ confirmed

No. 410719

>It's funny for someone how hell bent on safety you are, you would put your cat's health in jeopardy for the sake of identification.
The health risks to a cat from being outside are incomparably greater than whatever weird complication comes from form of identification. This is one of the weakest gotchas I've ever seen.

>Statistics are skewed since they refer to stray cats, not outdoors cats who also get fed and medically treated by human beings.

I am finding nothing that says this other than your post. Sources?

>So you would rather live 90 years completely miserable in prison than 50 years free?

A more comparable number would be 20 years with the ability to go outside or 100 years indoors in a nice apartment with everything I need. And I would choose the latter.

No. 410722


Pretty much what they said, it’s not yours to steal. Regardless of anyone’s moral position you can’t just steal someone’s cat “because YOU think it’s better for it”, that’s not how that shit works.

No. 410723

He actually hasn't even expressed any interest in going outside.

In my experience, most people who want their cats to be outdoor cats just want to deal with less litter and general burden. I've seen people make their cats go outside and I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case with him because he doesn't seem to have a desire to at all. Anytime I leave he just sits there, doesn't try to go out the door. Even when I had it open for like 10 minutes to bring my new fridge inside.

No. 410724

Get off lolcow and step out outside your middle class American bubble, you will be greatly surprised by how differently people lead their lives than you.

No. 410725

You still stole someone’s cat. ESH but obviously you’re the bigger fucking asshole for stealing someone’s pet, most people consider them family members

Doesn’t matter what your stance on outdoor vs indoor is because it’s still not YOUR cat

No. 410726

Yes, only American unsupervised dogs are a danger!

No. 410729

I am neither middle class nor American, I’m just not a retard that lets loose animals to roam outside of my property which I have absolutely no intention of supervising

By your logic I should let my rabbits roam about the city just because they want to with complete disregard to their safety and well-being

No. 410730

>100 years indoors in a nice apartment with everything I need
Big derail (although I guess it's already a derail), but this sounds so nice. Living out my days at home with my family and just taking part in my hobbies and sleeping, eating, and getting snugs.
God I wish I were my cat.

No. 410732

NTA anon, the outdoor catfags ITT are delusional selfish people that probably just don't want to clean the litterbox.

No. 410734

One thing I would like to point out in OP's defense is that she has no reason to trust beyond a reasonable doubt this cat actually belongs to that person. She says "most likely" not "definitely". If there's nothing disctinct enough about the cat to establish for a fact he belongs to that lady, then I don't think she has the right to claim it.

It's the risk you take by letting a cat outside without a collar. Sorry, but that's what the owner signed up for when she decided to raise a cat this way.

No. 410735

My own cat now lives indoors. It's not normal behaviour to think you are entitled to steal someone's cat because you don't think he should be outdoors. Would you steal a baby if you disagreed with the way his mother raised him?

No. 410736

This just reminded me how my cat snuck out and disappeared, it kind of hurts knowing there is people out there that could just steal someone’s pet without remorse. I’d understand if there was actual abuse or something. You don’t even seem to know anything about this woman.
I searched weeks to try and find my cat, I was so heartbroken. So yes OP, I would say you’re an asshole.

No. 410737

This is yet another dumb comparison because a mother doing that with her kid would have CPS called on her and be charged with child neglect or some shit.

Are you afraid of this happening to you? Just microchip your fucking cat.

No. 410738

>Would you steal a baby if you disagreed with the way his mother raised him?
Yes! If the baby is being put into a dangerous situation.

No. 410739

OP didn’t even go to check if the cat is microchipped, and now that someone has come forward saying it’s possibly her cat she’s pretending she’s had him for longer than she has. How is she not in the wrong in this scenario?

No. 410740

You’re a dumbfuck, call the authorities.

No. 410742

You clearly don't pay attention. I said ''way you disagreed with'', that doesn't imply it's dangerous or universally hated. For many people, it is the norm after all no matter how you feel about it. Don't get mad when you get in serious trouble for being a thief because they will most likely come to confront you at some point.

No. 410743

OP here. I should have specified this, but I actually did ask her if he was micro chipped and she said no.

No. 410745

I’m genuinely unsure as to how I feel about this scenario then. My previous ruling was ESH but I’m starting to think NTA since you have no way of definitely knowing this is her cat..

No. 410746

>Don't get mad when you get in serious trouble for being a thief because they will most likely come to confront you at some point.
What trouble would that be? She has no rights to the cat legally speaking.

No. 410747

OP is s massive cunt who feels entitled to stealing other peoples pets due to her feeling morally superior and created a wholeass plebbit ripoff thread to validate her cuntery. could've just gotten a shelter kitty if you wanted to rescue one oh so badly.

No. 410749

The law won't stop her from being punched in the face for being a thief

No. 410752

And the girl would get an assault charge?

No. 410753

Even if you think it’s ~abusive to keep a cat indoors you’re STILL a stupid asshole for letting it out because cats kill wild birds by the thousands along with other small things like baby rabbits and such. You’re helping destroy a natural ecosystem because you’re apparently too lazy and neglectful to provide a stimulating environment for something as low-maintenance as a cat. Why even have it?

No. 410754

It amazes me how difficult of a concept it is for some people to accept that letting you cat outside with no way to prove it's yours is a bad idea. Especially considering how intense America's straybcat problem is.

Like be the slightest bit responsible for your cat it's not that fucking hard.

No. 410757

Don't keep other people's pets, even if you think it's the owner's fault for losing it.
I could understand if the cat had been abused, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

No. 410758

Worth it. Op clearly doesn't give a fuck about how her actions make other people feel

No. 410760

You do realize if a shelter gets an animal with no identification they treat it as a stray and put it up for adoption, right? The owner literally has to readopt it if they can't prove it's theirs.

No. 410761

OP's not asking if what they did is legally okay or not, they're asking if they're an asshole. Not even letting the owner of the missing cat see hers to check is an asshole move.

No. 410762

And the owner clearly doesn't care about the obvious consequences of being insanely irresponsible with her cat.

Also, are you missing the part about there being no definitive way to know the cat belonged to this girl in the first place? You're essentially advocating that anyone who loses their cat in easily avoidable situations are justified to punch any rando who has a cat that resembles it.

No. 410763

Every cat has specific features. No offense but I would recognize my cat among 1000000 pictures of cats the same colour as him

No. 410766

alright, assuming animal control would go thru ops neighbourhood with a van, or something similarly stereotypically American, and the cat winds up in shelter, the og owner lady could get it back. ususlly 1st thing you do if you have missing animals is calling the local shelters/vets. the massive op cunt over here however, knows well enough she has stolen the ladies cat, the lady has even enquired, yet op plays dumb to her face. and then goes on a validation seeking adventure on this here thread. could've posted it in dumb shit thread or something but noooo

No. 410767

That's true of some cats, but definitely not all. There's a lot of cats that look generic AF.

To be fair, the owner could easily think the cat is hers when it isn't. I had a friend who was convinced a neighbor stole their cat (similar situation but this one had a collar) only to find its remains in the woods the next week. There's really no way of being certain.

No. 410769

>the owner could easily think the cat is hers when it isn't
I don't know, the fact that OP went out of her way to lie about the cat and not let her see it seems to say otherwise.

No. 410771

It's almost like this whole situation could have been avoided if the potential owner had taken basic precautions before letting her cat outside.

No. 410773

Or, you know, if OP hadn't just taken someone else's cat for their own.

No. 410774

I just want to point out in some states animal control will straight up put the animal down if there's no evidence anyone owns the animal and the shelters are overcrowded.

So yeah, don't be dumb with your animals.

No. 410775

And brag about it online like an asshole to boot

No. 410776

I wouldn't call it bragging, more like looking for validation because she clearly has a guilty conscience.

No. 410777

Right, because it's so crazy to assume an animal outside with no name tag or chip is a stray.

No. 410778

Once you see missing cat posters for a suspiciously similar cat, yeah, it gets a little incredulous.

No. 410780

So how many of these posts are OP trying to defend herself?

No. 410782

My fiancé raped me 6 years ago and has also emotionally abused me over the years and I don’t think I can trust him anymore. I completely buried all trauma from the events and it has just recently resurfaced and it makes my stomach turn and I can’t believe I stayed.. that said we now have two young children together. I have no education as he is the one currently studying, no former employment because my abusive parents never let me get a job (I ran away at 16) and my only income is benefits. Don’t wanna hear about how I fucked up, because yeah no fucking shit I did. My question is WIBTA if I left my fiancé and tried to get full custody of my kids even though I wouldn’t be able to provide them as well financially and they wouldn’t have a father fLigure..? Or should I honestly just tough this out and stay with him as he seems genuinely remorseful and has changed a bit..

No. 410783

File: 1557982003202.gif (971.69 KB, 500x280, tumblr_ng1gmfJaqo1qgf1i8o1_500…)

Moral of the story: microchip your cat

No. 410784

My guess is not nearly as many as the eurofag sperging about ~muh animal abuse~

No. 410786

Yeah, wouldn't want some asshole stealing your cat.

No. 410787

willing to bet like a good third of the anti-letting cats out ones. repeating talking points/phrases.

yeah, owner is at fault for not feeling ops massive psycho pet stealer vibes /s

No. 410788

You're the only one who thinks that letting a cat outside is enough to warrant it being stolen weirdo

No. 410789

That's so horrible anon, I'm so sorry you're in such a nightmare of a situation. You absolutely should leave and take the kids. You're not an asshole in the slightest for doing that.

Also, no father is far better than a horrible father.

I wish you the best.

No. 410790

Trying to escape from an abusive household doesn't make you an asshole. I can't really give you any life advice, but I hope things work out alright for you, and that you can be free of him someday.

No. 410792

No, there's actually a lot of anons on OP's side because not everyone is too stupid not to acknowledge this was some grad A neglect on the "owner"'s part.

No. 410794

Can we stop arguing about the fucking cat already
Not to say this reddit-tier thread's going anywhere good

No. 410795

it's a tricky one due to children. firstly, please elaborate what you mean by him having changed a bit? is the emotional abuse in the past too then?

in my heart I want to tell you to dump him bc being a child of a family where the dad abuses the mom is worse than a poorer but healthier household imo but I'm not sure what's the best way for you to disengage from him. if he isn't abusive rn, work on getting a job and saving up some, if he is, reach out to women's shelters or crisis centres.

don't worry abt the father figure meme, I'm sure no father figure is better than father figure that abuses them, especially if your children are boys.

No. 410814

Letting a cat roam outside is how you get your cat killed: by eating poisoned food left by some asshole, by a car, by a dog when it trespasses on someone's property, etc.

It was shitty to steal the cat but at the same time OP saved the cat's life… The previous owner seemed really irresponsible.

No. 410817

cat thief anon is literal human scum and it would be best if you stopped breathing

No. 410848

Cat-stealing OP could have gone into so many other threads, like the stupid question thread, but they just wanted to blog and feel superior.
They sound like a psychopath. The original owner put up posters after a week and she didn't say it was in bad health, there's no reason why they shouldn't give the cat back except for the collar thing, which she can talk to the owner about. If she has other concerns about how the cat is looked after she can call protective services, but you don't get to just steal a healthy child and claim it was always yours so why is it ok to do that with a cat? For all she knows it could even be microchipped.
Go adopt a cat instead of stealing one ffs

No. 410860

i agree. i hate novice vigilantes. if she gives enough of a fuck about the dangers that outside cats deal with, taking one outside cat isn't going to fix anything. what a lazy form of activism.

No. 410880

this thread is the best i've seen on this website in a long time lmao i'm loving this

anyway, op is kind of an asshole but honestly this is the original owner's fault for letting their cat roam outside with no chip/collar tbh did they deserve getting their cat stolen? probably not, but odds are this same cat would have gotten run over/attacked at some point and at least this way it's safe and happy. it's not like the cat itself gives a fuck so.

No. 410881

No. 410887

Yes it is. The owner still bought the cat and has it's certificates/IDs.

No. 410890

>leaving the cat all alone without a companion after you kidnapped it from its original home
I hope the owner takes it back from you.

No. 410894


No. 410895

Plus the OP was contacted by the cat’s original owner, it wasn’t like the cat just disappeared. They know what happened to it and OP is blatantly lying back to them.

No. 410897

OP is in the right, the cat lives in a comfy home instead of being hit by a car.

No. 410898

People who let their cat roam free are the lowest of trash so you did the right thing despite being a bit of an asshole. Why the fuck didn't the owner provide the cat with a collar to begin with? I wish everyone would do this if they saw a cat roaming free, it's basically shielding them from feline HIV, breeding uncontrollably, getting beat up by other cats or run over by a car.

No. 410902

Eh, I just think you're dumb. You should've taken it to a vet since most cat owners chip their cats, especially if they're outdoor cats. I know I wouldn't rely on a collar if I had a cat and it got lost because anything can happen. Even if you take out the safety issues, what if the cat just ran away? You're not entitled to its ownership unless it was severely abused and shit.

No. 410919

Op assumes the owner let the cat out like they can’t escape the house. I have 2 cats one that loves trying to escape the house and chill outside she also happens to hate her collar and takes them off. Op is a dick and a thief.

No. 410931

No, you're not the asshole for wanting to leave someone because he raped and abused you.
Your children would be disgusted if they found this out when they're older. They will understand why you left.

However how do you intend to gain custody of the kids if he lawyers up and shows that you've never had a work history and need benefits in order to live?
If he's asshole enough to rape you, he's likely asshole enough to punish you through your kids by trying to assassinate your character and take them away. Unless you think he won't, but I've seen abusive men before…

No. 410936

You're an asshole that took someones cat. They raised it well enough for you to want it.

No. 410939

I live in Ireland and lived in a residential area my cat was a rescue and likes access to outdoors. It's extremely common to see rescue pages and sites stating if a cat is indoor or needs outdoor access, it's better for their enrichment to get access outside. Maybe US car states are more dangerous. Personally my cat spends some hours outside, she's street smart and engages with school children knowing the times of their commute to get pets. When I was at school she use to range down to the bus stop and walk me home. Some owners give more freedom to their cats. My cat would always come when called and certain nights of the year like bonfire nights or Halloween, fireworks she was kept in. I guess it depends on area, I'm obviously not from US but sounds like this cat was use to having outdoor access.

I'd be interested how the content the cat is now being indoors.

No. 410940

I honestly don’t know.. I feel so broken and defeated at this point and keep switching between despising him and being unable to imagine life without him..

He’s a student so I don’t see him being able to afford a lawyer of any sort but I’m worried my history of abuse could be used against and it would be decided that I’m unfit to be a mother

To the anon that asked before, I don’t think he’s emotionally abusive anymore.. but I’m very much frightened. I never feel truly at ease anymore and he does have a short fuse. Every little thing he does that inconveniences my life now makes me build up resentment, even if it’s something as mild as not helping with cleaning the house and I have to do it myself while in severe pain

I regret not having left earlier because at the end of the day I think I’m only staying because of our two kids now, but whenever I even entertain the thought of leaving I feel the biggest piece of shit on earth and when he cries I instantly forgive him and regret even bringing up any relationship issues we have

I’m just at a complete loss as to what I should do and whether or not I’m scum for even feeling this way. It’s been 6 years I feel like I should get over it but I know I would never even think of suggesting such a thing to any other rape victim..

I love him but I don’t know if that’s enough at this point

No. 410947

>My fiancé raped me 6 years ago
>emotionally abused me over the years
>I don’t think I can trust him anymore
>my abusive parents never let me get a job
>my only income is benefits
>he seems genuinely remorseful and has changed a bit.

I'll be the asshole here and say your story is pretty inconsistent. Either it's partly true or completely made up. Regardless, you will have a lot of trouble getting full custody unless there's concrete evidence of abuse and the children can attest to it. If it is true, no, you are not the asshole, but you are stupid.

No. 410949

What’s inconsistent about it?
And I don’t see my two year old and infant being able to attest to any abuse

No. 410951

How old are you?

No. 410953

Early twenties

No. 410956

What have you been doing in the last few years of adulthood? Did your abusive parents prevent you from working as an adult?

No. 410958

How is she stupid? Making bad decisions because of either love, or because the alternatives are scary doesn't make someone stupid.
First off, start documenting, even if that just means writing down whenever he does things that could be grounds for an unhealthy relationship. What country are you in? Support for mothers is unfortunately varied by where you live. I don't know much about in the US, but in the UK you could divorce on grounds of the past abuse, be offered social housing on the basis of being a mother on benefits and split custody so that the children still see their father.
I'm sorry but when you say "my history of abuse" do you mean you yourself have abused people or drugs, or do you mean his own past abuse?

No. 410959

I was first studying and ended up having to drop out when I got pregnant and have been a SAHM. My parents wouldn’t let me get any sort of employment, not even a tax file number, while I lived with them so I have no references

No. 410960

How did your fiance rape you?

No. 410961

By history of abuse I meant that I have been abused in the past by my parents - this has made social workers and the like wary of my mental health so i have gut wrenching fear that it could be used against me in that they say that because I was abused my mental health is too poor to care my kids, I don’t want to rock the boat and have that potentially happen

No. 410962

For pretty obvious reasons I’m not going to lay out intimately horrible details of my rape.

No. 410963

Why the fuck would they be wary of your mental health and not supportive? Unless of course you had lied or conflated abuse previously.

No. 410964

Do your parents help with babysitting ever or a desire to look after their grandkids? Do you have an type of friends or family that would mind your kids a few hours a day while you get whatever legalities you need to gain employment in the future. Obviously child care cost and welfare of your kids is a big concern so you need to think about how you can have them minded while you look into getting part time work or taking part time classes in the meantime. I assume your fiancé will not help with minding them or spending money on childcare so you need to figure that out because I assume you'll want to start working with a roof over your head to gain independence and maybe save and then once you're out of the house you can hopefully feel comfortable seeking proper help. Hopefully you can leave him sooner if he's abusive and have somewhere to stay

No. 410965

I saw in my eldest sons medical files details of my abuse (I’ve spoken to therapists about it in the past) and how this puts him in an at risk category of potential abuse

No. 410966

they get worried mom will off herself and take her kids with her.

No. 410967

My mum helps out often as she’s the only one I even remotely trust, I don’t have any friends as I’ve been pretty socially isolated and have trouble opening up to people

I feel like asking for advice on this may have been a mistake, whenever I bring stuff like this up I doubt myself and worry that I’m lying to everyone.. god I know I’m coming off as pathetic and I’m really sorry for that, no one wants to read a sob story (especially on an imageboard)

No. 410968


For god's sake, get out of there. You're not the asshole, you're living with a monster, bail.

I'll post my own:

I quit my decent paying but dead-end tedious job to be my mother's secretary/assistant/manager/whatever. She's started a new business that's getting pretty successful but because she took out a loan to start it she can't afford to pay me more than the bare minimum I need for rent and groceries (the plan is that my wage will go up significantly once the loans are repaid, on steady course to be done by September).
My partner is saying that it was shitty of me to accept this low wage job because, while I can cover the basics, I have a lot less money left for nice things like eating out and we can't take the vacation to Japan together they wanted in December. Am I being an asshole to my partner by bringing in a lot less money to the household than I used to, even though it's a temporary thing?

No. 410970

Do you guys usually split costs 50/50 or are you not living together? And is it just stuff like luxuries and entertainment that you now can’t afford?

No. 410971

Living together, we have separate finances and split things 50/50. It's just stuff like luxuries, I can cover the bills, rent and groceries fine. (No fancy ingredients though.)

No. 410972

What the fuck kind of question is that to ask someone?
But even if you have received support for mental health issues, that doesn't mean that you are marked unfit as a mother unless it's a genuine risk such as a current substance dependency or in manageable personality disorder. Even with both if those examples, something like that would only be a temporary problem until you could prove you were maintaining your mental health once in a safe environment. Additionally, if it was found that the family home was unsafe for you butsomehow still a better place for your children, you should be supported so that you can provide equal custody once you live alone, with the worst case scenario being that you might have to bear through an assessment period. However as the mother and as a domestic abuse victim you would be in a sympathetic position, and should also be able to ask social services up front if there would be any issues with your claim for custody. At least in the uk, this would be the the case.
Sorry to press the nationality thing, but anons from your city might be able to tell you of welfare organisations that can help get you going in the right direction.

No. 410974

What advice are you looking? No you're not an asshole for wanting to end a relationship with someone you don't love. You said your parents were odd that they denied you the creditionals to seek employment? Then how are you getting benefits because you need still to be a citizen with a tax number? Where do you live your boyfriend is a student are you living off his loan and government grant because he can't get unemployment benefits being a student? Honestly, just get a job cry to your mum and say you want to work and can she mind the kids sometimes. You don't seem to want a change in circumstances apart from your bf fucking off but you want his house and income?

No. 410975

NTA. people take temporary pay cuts all the time. be glad you have enough for the basics and wasn't like, laid off and totally dependent on your partner.

No. 410979

Everything you need to know is probably available on the internet. You're posting here, so you already have access to this information. If you're concerned about your partner seeing your browser history use a private tab. I recently helped my friend leave her asshole husband and everything we needed to know about custody and divorce laws, her rights and how to access the benefits she needed was easily found online. I'm in the UK but it's probably the same for other European countries and the US.

No. 410983

NAH I can see why it would be straining on your relationship if you cannot comfortably afford luxuries, but at the end of the day you can still afford all necessities and are also helping your mother with her business. Just make sure that you definitely will be getting a better income than you currently are in the near future

No. 410986

Am I being a dick if I don't include people in my bridal party because they're fat (obviously I would not say this out loud)? The style of bridesmaid dresses that I want is absolutely incompatible with fat chicks.

No. 410988

How fat? Obese fat or 20lbs overweight fat? It's kind of a dick move but it's your choice. Just come up with a reason so they don't get hurt.

No. 410989

You can exclude people from your bridal party for any reason you want. If some hamplanet is going to fuck up your pretty bridal party photos then don't include them. It's your wedding day and it's not like you're telling them "It's because you're fat." I'm going to exclude children from my wedding but I'm not telling their parents "It's because your child is an undisciplined and horrible little demon" so whatever. Do what you want.

No. 410991

At the end of the day it’s up to you, just know that if they’re a close friend or sibling you’re burning bridges by doing this - especially if it’s more than one so it’s a noticeable trend

No. 411023

I think you are. Assuming the fat people are people close to you, I think it's a little messed up to exclude them from an important event for someone they care about just because they are harder on the eyes. Likely no one will know but I think your reason is kind of asshole-ish.
>inb4 fattie

No. 411027

it's your wedding, anon. weddings are inherently about being selfish so i'd say go nuts.

No. 411030

Are you actually getting married or is this just hypothetical? Is there a fat relative or friend expecting to be in the bridal party?

No. 411031

Yes, you’re an asshole but you don’t seem to care about whether you are or not, considering the tone of your post. Go wild anon but don’t complain when nobody likes you afterwards.

No. 411032

If those fat people are not close to you - you sound like a shallow and shitty person, but it's your call and no harm done. However if those fat people are good enough for you to call them to vent, borrow money from or you consider each other friends, I hope they will realize what happened and drop your ungrateful ass.

No. 411092

don't stop there anon! you gotta exclude the bobfocs and the ones with bad teeth/hair colours etc too

ps even if you don't say it out loud, even if you come up with an excuse they'll know. haha. "I know you're my sister but I am being blackmailed by my colleague's wife's niece so she has to be a bridesmaid instead sorry about that"

No. 411102

Protip: Unless the fat friends are so close they're willing to do anything for you they're not thrilled to spend hundreds on a dress for you that they'll look like shit in.

No. 411237

Yes, you sound terrible

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