/ot/ - off-topic

>>363957
Ehhh I went to a lot of psychologists when I was a kid and I was told I had assburgers, but another one said I was actually a schizoid with narc tendencies… And last year one told me I probably had borderline… Don't listen to them very much anon, just bee yourself and try not to hurt those around you, that's what I try to do

I was diagnosed with BBD but I doubt it since I was suffering from alcoholism and had been raped a year earlier and suffered from the trauma of that. Surprisingly enough after I stopped drinking and have grown older the borderline tendencies have gone away.

I went to therapy group meant for borderlines though. Some of the people there freaked me out like one woman bragging about how she assaulted some random lady because she tried to make her stop fighting in a bar. She was so proud about how she told me she threw a table at her and just walked away.

>>363975
I think I'm good but I do think some people need help and refuse to acknowledge it. I also do want to hear some crazy stories.

BPD people I've met act in a certain way. They are on or off. They have little in the way of shades of grey in either acting or thinking.

For a month or two you are the light of their life, then suddenly through some minor argument or disagreement you are scum.

I've found they aren't really interested in others, they tend to talk about themselves unless they are in "on" mode and are trying to gain the favor of their latest "crush" in which case they'll say whatever they think will make them seem move attractive to them.

Think of a 14 year old trapped in an adult body, and I think its a fairly close approximation.

If you want to read up on my ex boyfriend's antics, I've made a few vent posts about him. Our relationship was basically finished since January 1st. I couldn't reconcile the abuse any longer and any hope I had for him was pretty much spoiled because he's not gonna try to get help or change. He's even been so bold as to say to me that "Being with him is hell," after everything he put me through. Why deny a man who tells the truth about himself?

Said he was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) as a child and was stuffed on adderall and other drugs since he was little. He's no longer on medication and hasn't seen a therapist. Sometimes when we would fight he would shout at me "Maybe this is what you get for dating a bipolar fuck!"
I'd actually say he's more borderline (because ODD is really something assigned to children, not adults) based on the following:
>rapidly initiated an intimate relationship with me because he feared abandonment, kept a lot of the skeletons in his closet hidden until later in relationship
>extreme love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation) of me, friends, and family depending on whether or not we catered to his whims, hasn't got very many stable friends as a result - thinks the world is against him
>talked horribly about his exes, other times talked positively mood depending
>easily annoyed, excessively nitpicky over harmless things
>supposedly recovered anorexic, but still vainly obsessed with his own image
>drug and alcohol abuse
>attempted to control me with criticism, intimidation, and other aggression
>extreme double standards, for example I was never allowed to be angry when my reasons for being so were legitimate but he was allowed to spout off over nothing all the time
>takes any disagreement or criticism with immediate upset
>irrationally jealous especially if I was seen out with other men in my friend group
>very impulsive, had a criminal record of theft and some tickets for reckless driving; if he got mad he'd threaten and would sometimes throw and break things in rage
>inappropriate anger response, and problems controlling his anger
>always had an excuse for what triggered his irrational anger
>blames others for literally his own mistakes and misbehaviors, expects people to read his mind and act accordingly
>difficulty trusting me and others, was irrational in most of his judgements and had constant paranoia of other peoples' intentions
>hated all my friends for brash reasons, told me I should ditch them all and I learned I couldn't trust him to vent to if I had a small issue with them because he would crucify them for the slight
>when he'd get into a rage he'd claim to become 'evil' and that he was replaced with someone else, in order to disassociate from his actions to likely reduce what he felt was his accountability for them
Some of his shenanigans posted here, some of you may remember them:
>>347798
>>350128
>>359423
tl;dr I've basically known this relationship was doomed since NYE when his crazy really leapt out of the bag. He'd been treating me disrespectfully since, and sometimes I think he targeted me to date specifically because I had loneliness and self-esteem issues that would make it harder for me to push to leave him. Not to mention being empathetic to a fault. I mean, I entertained it for an entire month so I guess it's true.
Yet I figured it was a good time to get out, because when an abuser starts to dehumanize their partners, that's when violence escalates from verbal to physical.

Other things I never got to vent about before I broke up with him:
>We came upon the subject of the NYE incident again. Said I was an ignorant jackass and a cunt and to "fuck off" when he demanded I apologize to him for "screaming and having strangers confront him in the street" after he restrained me in my car and made me cry loudly in the street, after I firmly said I had no guilt and wouldn't be apologizing. He flew into a rage. He still insisted it was my fault for not cutting off his drink like a manbaby and having the nerve to expect him to behave in a crowd of people downtown during a holiday.
>He threw a chair, hit things, and stomped around angrily when I told him a certain movie on Netflix he wanted to watch wasn't interesting me, hence I was on my phone browsing facebook. He got mad that I wasn't specifically devoting my attention to the movie even though I was being quiet and sitting beside him while he watched it. He took my disinterest as a personal criticism and some kind of betrayal.
And no, he didn't think any of those things were shitty until he made me cry. Then he'd try to band aid the situation, or attempt to gaslight me on why I deserved it in some way.

His family is a mess btw, which often is the case with borderlines.
His parents are abusive enablers who make excuses for their son's fucked psyche and see the world as the problem. Their home life has always been very turbulent due to the fact that they had their son when they were only 21 themselves.
They kicked him out at 18 even though he couldn't financially handle it and made really poor life choices at an early age as a result. His dad is an abusive misanthrope (self-admitted). Beat his child's ass and had cruel and unusual methods of 'discipline.' His mom is some kind of narcissist who can't handle criticism of her son and his actions (in my case, she tried to assign blame to me and demonize me in order to minimize her shitty son and his immature behavior). She has internalized misogyny from staying with her abusive and cheating husband, and can't cope or believe that her son turned out the same abusive way. The lot of the family doesn't seem to have any outside friends and seem extremely isolated. He wanted me to be "friends" with his mom specifically because she doesn't have any. After the way she treated me? Gee, can't imagine why!

I think borderline manifests differently in males opposed to women, though. For what it's worth anon, I think what I've listed here are some pretty solid red flags for borderline behavior. Sounds like you're stable though, if you had really bad tendencies I think you would've heard feedback on it.
Anyway, that's all the crazy I have for now! I'll report back if I suffer any major fallout from the breakup in the upcoming days, which is what I expect will happen. Cheers!

>>364075
Heh, I act this exact way sometimes (BPDette). I can't help it but it's something I'm working on.
A lot of people have borderline or personality disorder traits though, everyone should. When it becomes a disorder it's on a severe scale.

>>364075
i’m diagnosed with bpd and this is exactly me lmao
i’m not working on it tho, why should i? i don’t owe anyone anything

>>364093
>i don’t owe anyone anything
I think it's fine if you intend to live your life inside a bubble and never interact with anyone. But if you plan to have any kind of relationships, there's more to them than just doing to others what you feel is owed or not.

>>364075
lol i feel like I talk about myself a bunch. but i'm terrible at lying about myself

>>364093
This is why everyone hates people with BPD lol

Is saying that they won't or can't change a defense mechanism for people with BPD?

As in it's too painful or hard for them to change, or that they genuinely believe that their worldview and dismissive way they treat others is protecting themselves?

Sorry for the green text, but I’m high

>tfw youre a schizoid who meets an Aspie
>Aspie wants to be friends
>think it’s just going to be low key, since we shared just one interest
>Aspie latches on, wants to hang out more, see movies and read books together.
>ohgod.jpg, try to let her down easy, without being crass
>can’t get it through, Aspie asks why no one wants to be her friend
>shame and guilt trap card triggered. I disregard my feelings and console.
>Aspie wants to be bffs
>my schizoid mask can only hold much longer

I’ve started a slow ghost, but damn I feel like a monster. I don’t want friends at all, and it’s not easy to explain that without sounding like an asshole.

>>364101
Is this someone who you could handle in small doses? It's pretty tragic how they can't keep friends because they're so ghastly co-dependent, but maybe there's a healthy way to explain that while you can't hang out so intimately all the time you wouldn't mind hanging out every now and then? Otherwise, forget it and be blunt. You gotta be blunt when laying down the law with aspies because they don't get the message otherwise. You could name being too overbearing as the reason why and it would be the truth.

For me, my worst was when I was younger ie. 19 - 22. At those times, I basically exhibited the typical symptoms: feeling empty, REALLY unstable ROMANTIC relationships (weirdly, platonic ones are fine for me), unstable identity, and mood swings. I'm always "okay" when I'm not in a relationship, but once I get a boyfriend, I go all types of crazy. It's pretty bad, and my last relationship was what made me get my ass to therapy and become more self-aware about my behaviours, because I'm sure they'll someday leach onto my friendships… because so far, I've been doing a good job of keeping friendships. As a reference, I'll be turning 25 some time this year.

If a friend of yours has symptoms like above, try and stay away if they're not receptive to therapy. You deserve a "normal" friend who doesn't snap at you randomly, randomly ghosts you, and thinks so black and white.

The symptoms have been kept at bay, but I'm just wondering if I'm actually okay, or it's still there, hiding until I get a boyfriend. I'm pretty scared of getting into another relationship because of this. I am continuing therapy (not necessarily DBT, tbh, because for me, it was good to recognize what I was doing wrong, but it's not as helpful anymore).

>>364098
It's actually a common thing with all personality disorders. It's always "everyone else has a problem not me"

I posted about this person in a different thread before, but she had diagnosed BPD and I was the person she latched onto and adored. When we were new acquaintances and had only talked in class a few times, she told me we were soulmates based on our astrological signs. She would also shower on the compliments. When she overshared constantly I learned that her relationships were super unstable and that one of the people on her bad side was her father. She would also write me notes on leaves she found outside. Tell me I'm her favorite person she's met in a while, etc.

I always dreaded talking to her but I really drew the line when she mentioned that she's had the cops called on her because of her behavior towards people she was angry at. She also walked into the classroom with blood coming down from her scalp one day. I didn't ask her about it because I didn't want to speak to her but she later told me that she had put a gash in her own head because she needed a reason to not come to classes that university officials would excuse. I got so freaked out because knowing her, she left the blood on her scalp and forehead just so I would notice it and ask her about it.

I think she latched onto me because I engaged her with small talk at first and listened to everything she said out of politeness. Thankfully I haven't seen her in a couple of semesters

>>364093
You'll never have a partner more than say…. 3 months, unless they are an abusive asshole stringing you along, in which case it'll feed into your fear of abandonment. They'll probably use you as a side fuck the whole time.

If you ever have someone that will put up with you to marry you, eventually you will cheat on them just because you'll switch white to black thinking and seek out a new object of idealization.

>>364093
speaking as a fellow bpdfag, if you don't want to do it for anyone else, do it for yourself. bpd doesn't just make other people miserable, it makes YOU miserable. before i did a year of DBT i was upset and borderline hysterical over the stupidest shit, it was an awful way to live. i was making my own life hell. now that i can actually control my emotions i'm much happier (and so is my husband). plus it's nice not to be known as the crazy unstable bitch anymore.

>>364167
Gotta agree with you here. Please seek help anon.

>>364110
yep, my boyfriend has BPD and is like that. each time i suggest he take a couple therapy sessions to learn how to cope he always responds, "why do i need to cope by the way people treat me poorly? why do i have to talk to a stranger about other people's problems?"

I definitely have some strong cluster A tendencies, and ironically they were caused by relationships with people with cluster B, more specifically BPD. A lot of people speak about narcs but BPDfaggots can completely ruin and break you and you're expected to feel sorry for them for not "being able to control themselves". Here's some shit I've had to put up with when dealing with BPDs (medically diagnosed, not the "my mom is totes a narc!!!" type).
>Having to stay up late trying to talk them out of killing themselves (which they weren't going to do anyway) and constant graphic threats of suicide and self-harm in general. This shit has traumatized me for life.
>BPDs have the habit of either loving you to death or hating you more than life, and this alters in matter of days. Completely fucks with your ability to trust.
>They never, EVER take responsibility for ANY shitty thing they did, their form of taking responsibility is starting a pity party that ends up with you having to comfort them for hours
>THOSE FUCKING MOOD SWINGS
>Rage can be explosive and uncontrollable, BPDs can burn bridges in seconds over absolutely nothing. They thought someone looked at them funny? Time to send them aggressive messages and block them on every social media platform! Can't forget to tell everyone that this person is Literally Hitler!
>If they abuse substances, they abuse them GOOD. Don't let a BPD patient near drugs EVER.
>The possessiveness. Oh god this is so horrible. If you're in the position of being "the loved one" BPD people often have you can't have any other friends, period. They will guilt trip you into isolation without you even realizing what's going on.
>They are ridiculously selfish and vain. BPDs are supposedly trying to compensate for their low self esteem but you couldn't really tell the difference. They often have egos that can't fit indoors.

I could go on for hours because I fucking hate these crazy motherfuckers, but I guess you could say "bitch be insane" so many times. The worst thing is that you never see the red flags until it's too late, especially if you haven't had experience with people showing BPD tendencies. They're often good at manipulating their way into your life and emotional space, and before you know it you're there at 3 AM trying to ensure them that they shouldn't run under a 12-wheeler for the third time this week because they dropped their pen on the floor.

>>364075
>I've found they aren't really interested in others, they tend to talk about themselves unless they are in "on" mode and are trying to gain the favor of their latest "crush" in which case they'll say whatever they think will make them seem move attractive to them.
Jesus, THIS. I haven't seen a BPDperson who was genuinely interested in someone and their wellbeing, and my god they talk SO much about themselves. I could sit in a restaurant for 2 hours without opening my mouth once because the bpdfaggot was too busy talking about themselves.

>>364093
and here yall see in action why bpdfucks are so hated.

>>364167
Damn, thanks for reassuring me that some people with BPD haven't lost their humanity. I have really big respect for patients that actually seek help with it because it's so fucking miserable to you and people around you.

>>364191
i'm diagnosed with both bpd and avpd (completed dbt) and reading your post and others makes me wonder if my avpd cancelled some stuff out with the bpd? don't get me wrong i def. did some crazy shit especially as a teenager when i was at my worst but i don't think i was ever as bad as this. especially because i love being alone so much that i'd never wanna isolate someone and make them dependent on me… worst nightmare.

i get the hate though, honestly. i have multiple friends with bpd who have no plans to start dbt and whew… now that i'm symptom free it's glaringly obvious how irrational, annoying and fucking selfish bpd makes people.

>>364110
i mean, it is your problem if you're the one bothered by it

>>364162
pic related

>>364167
yeah you're right, but i only meant that i don't see a point in working on behaviors that only negatively affect others and not myself.
i don't need long-term relationships, i'm better off in short-term relationships, and i don't need to stop being self-centered or manipulative. (nor do i think i can stop tbh)
but i'd like to stop being self-destructive, violent, irrational, and impulsive
anyway i tried therapy before, but it wasn't dbt
i quit because i went through five therapists and they were all idiot megacunts to me so i gave up a short while after they finally gave me my diagnosis.

also, just curious, do you other bpdfags feel guilt and/or empathy?

>>364201
>15 counts of "I/me" in one small paragraph
>Only other descriptions of others are "idiot megacunts"

Why do you think you deserve the luxuries of society when you don't contribute to it? Why do you think you deserve niceness, relationships and attention from others?
Isn't it obvious that no one is going to put up with you?

You're honestly better off living on an isolated farm, so you can at least work to earn food and a bed. That or you could live in the sewers so no one would have to see you.

>>364201
>>also, just curious, do you other bpdfags feel guilt and/or empathy?
when i was at my worst (like you are right now, it seems) i didn't feel guilt over what i did because i was convinced everyone else was at fault and that my reactions were appropriate and that nobody understood what i was going through wah wah typical bpd spiel. empathy i feel like has gone up and down. i know how to act around other people though and i know the difference between right and wrong so even if my empathy isn't felt very strongly i still "feel" bad for others.

>>364201
i feel mad guilty all the fuckin time dude.

>>364098
I'm the ex-alcoholic who was diagnosed with BPD, for me it helped that one day I looked myself in the mirror and said you know what you can be a complete fucking bitch sometimes. It was super painful like it took me months and months to really work through it in good way, as in not dropping into the usual "I am a monster and deserve to die (aka PITY ME)" state of mind, but you know understand that yes I have been acting shitty but I can always change my way of acting if I want to. I have to take responsibility of the way I have acted but also I can't let my past actions control my entire life because that wont help me or my friends. I am still depressed but nowadays it's more stable, I feel better and my friends have said that I have changed. That I seem lot more stable these days.

But like I said, I doubt my diagnosis so I might not actually be borderline.

>>364207
you complain that i am talking about myself too much and then subsequently ask me questions about myself… lol

>Why do you think you deserve the luxuries of society when you don't contribute to it?
i do contribute to society, i'm a college student with a humanitarian-esque major.
>Why do you think you deserve niceness, relationships and attention from others?
i don't think anyone is deserving of any of those things, but they come to me anyway.
>Isn't it obvious that no one is going to put up with you?
plenty of people have and will.

you sound like you have bpd too and are projecting. cheer up, someone out there will love you.

>>364209
>i didn't feel guilt over what i did because i was convinced everyone else was at fault and that my reactions were appropriate
that isn't not being able to feel guilt, that's just being delusional.
not being able to feel guilt is knowing that you're in the wrong and just not giving a shit or even enjoying it. in my opinion anyway.

>>364212
maybe i'm a misdiagnosed assburger then

My bf's ex had BPD. When he tried to break up with her she threatened to kill herself, then faked an attempt (confirmed by her family that it was fake). When he wouldn't take her back she instantly switched to villainizing him. I didn't even know her but when she found out we were dating she messaged me to try to convince me he was evil and abusive and that i shouldn't date him. When I asked her how he had been abusive she couldn't specify anything other than "he broke up with me/didn't want to keep dating me after i faked suicide." Very black and white thinking.

>>364227
or a narc. either way you sound insufferable and need to be put in therapy

>>364227
That was my first response to you. Believe it or not, there is more than one person in this thread.
>>364247 is probably right. It sounds like you have a horrible mixture of BPD and NPD. Only a narc BPDfag would cry out "omg you are projecting and being a meanie you must be BPD too!!!!"
Protip: not everyone who analyzes your behavior has BPD.

I think BPDfags should only be allowed to date other BPDfags. That way when they both threaten to commit suicide they might actually do it. Two birds with one stone as they say.

Idk if blogposting is allowed but I was diagnosed with BPD a long time ago (2006), and mainly through working on it myself (DBT wasn't available where I live back then) and with medication I've managed to get over a lot of the outward symptoms. My anger management problem is now replaced with depression and I'm so scared of confrontation I don't even argue with people on the internet. I'm in a relationship and even if I do have mood swings, I try not to let it effect my GF. I do constantly want to hurt myself but I try to not think about it. My main problem is that I feel like there's a giant void inside me that I can't fill, and I don't feel like I have a true identity and personality. I don't think I can ever get over that.

Before I was totally unbearable and I feel bad for all the girls I dated before and my family. I obviously have no friends left from back then, but I deserve that. I'm nowhere near perfect, but people with BPD can improve. I was told when I got diagnosed that it gets better with age, I can't say how true that is because I did spend a lot of time actively trying to improve. I still hate myself and constantly want to die, but I don't let it show.

>>364103

Yea, I've realized that I need to try and keep at least one friend, and she's not incredibly terrible to hang out with. Luckily she's not a constant texter and I've deleted my Facebook for other reasons so contact is minimal. I'll shoot her an email, maybe that'll work if we communicate that way. Thanks Anon.

I'm just apprehensive because I have a tendency to come off as super friendly, which causes me issues since I don't want friends. Normies find that weird, which is understandable. It also doesn't help that my default mask is sweet stoic, so I become everyone's Mom/therapist.

>>364258
i didn't assume that you had responded to me multiple times. where'd you get that from? genuinely confused. the only other post in here that looks like it might be yours is this huge angry rant. >>364191
and i didn't say you were projecting because you were being a "meanie". i said you were projecting because you made some strange assumptions about what i am like and what i think based on very little information. (e.g. that i contribute nothing to society, that i believe i deserve xxx, and that no one in my life puts up with me)
>Protip: not everyone who analyzes your behavior has BPD.
not everyone, just you.
>That way when they both threaten to commit suicide they might actually do it.
gee that's edgy wanting sick people to off themselves, i think you're the nbpdfag.

anyway, pic related to help you better understand what i said. i hope it is simple enough for you, you wild bpdphobe.

>>364247
my sister is npd diagnosed, so possible


sorry for the serious derail, i won't respond to this anymore.

>>364093
That's really aweful of you. I was also diagnosed with BPD (at 17) and had many years where I thought like you but in the past years I've learned to genuinly try my best to not hurt others and be a less toxic person.

I know you think you're cool and edgy and "special" but it really looks cringe. You're hurting yourself, people around you and other people with BPD who suffer from the stigma because fucks like you don't even want to try.

>>364307
> I was also diagnosed with BPD (at 17)
I always thought you shouldn't diagnose pds in teenagers because their brains and personalities are still developing

I was close to someone who's a diagnosed psychopath and it was hell, I'm glad I got away from this person after like a year of their bullshit

>>364201
Is this suicide baiting or what?

>>364296
You sound crazy

>>364324
You're right, you shouldn't. It was at the very end of my 17th year and at a private psychiatrist who had very unprofessional methods all around. She would buy me cigs, sometimes drink alcohol around her patients (not around me though) but she was very good at her job.

fuck all the shits with untreated pds that think they don't owe anyone anything. i was in that position when i was younger, so while i know how much it sucks to have a pd, i can't sympathize/associate with those types. if left untreated, we hurt people, plain and simple. i've done and said things i regret deeply, and can't ever take back because i burned the bridges as well. i'm embarrassed and horrified by how i used to be, but talk therapy and dbt has helped immensely. stop making excuses and get some help if you have a pd. and if you don't, don't play victim and blame everyone else and expect everything to be peachy.

/spergy rant over

i have BPD. i manage friendships and living fine - go to school, have had a long term job, friends i've known for years and years, whatever. nothing i do in my daily life isn't something that i've never seen "regular" people do, and do in much worse ways. my problem area is, unsurprisingly, maintaining a relationship where i am not constantly triggered.

i think a lot of BPDs don't recognize the underlying trauma that needs to be addressed after DBT. the underlying C-PTSD keeps a lot of my BPD symptoms running. i don't think i will be in therapy for the rest of my life but i have a few more years to go, and i'm already at 6.

as for your ex-therapist, BPD is unfortunately commonly misdiagnosed in women. of all the criteria, i think the most important are fear of abandonment and desire for enmeshment, black and white thinking, and identity disturbances that can illicit depersonalization or disassociation.

many of my friends who are high-anxiety, require a lot of validation, and can't stand being alone have been misdiagnosed. those traits can often be found in your average person in varying doses. so being in a rough spot or having a terrible relationship can certainly exacerbate those feelings, but doesn't mean you have BPD.

>>364365
>Is this suicide baiting or what?
no it's a joke about me killing myself
>You sound crazy
i literally am

you sound low iq

>>364499
were you replying to me? (I'm >>364378 )

I've thought about being misdiagnosed in the past, especially considering I did go to some trauma that could cause c-PTSD. But ultimately, it doesn't matter much anymore. I'm on meds that work well for me and I try everyday my best to not hurt others and myself. I've also been noticing how I learned my toxic behaviour directly from my parents (emotional manipulation from dad, being outright mean/abusive as a defense from my mom) and realizing how it stems from them I'm having an easier time controling myself and not doing that shit anymore.

>>364528
I was replying to OP, unless you're OP.

You can diagnose BPD under 18, most people just don't like to. & DBT isn't only for BPD, it actually is really helpful in general, it sounds like you might benefit from it when it comes to anger

cluster b's in my life and in my boyfriend's life just seem to reek havoc everywhere they go but i dont feel like typing out a whole big thing.

>my ex had NPD and abused me
>current bf's ex had BPD and really screwed him up because it was his first serious relationship
>was in a WoW guild (lol i know) with a multiple borderlines and they would write up massive callouts for each other over the slightest shit. lots and lots of gossip. i'd wake up to 6 messages on skype from each of them, all equally incoherent, pointing fingers at each other.
>queen cluster B kicked me out of the guild because she was threatened by me, said i was scary and makes her uncomfy. made her bf at the time who i was chill with block me all social media. stopped talk to all them except the original friend in that group who's a fakeboi now who thinks she's a gay goth cowboy. arm chair diagnosed me ASPD. which is really ???? because she used to tell me that i was the most patient person she knows.

i think BPD is contagious in a way.

>>364523
You're projecting

Family has a history of mental issues including but not limited to…
>cousin recently devolved into full blown schizophrenia, to the point of shitting in buckets and his own elderly father (my uncle) putting a restraining order on him because whoops cousin has been training in karate since he was 3 years old and was an instructor at one point in his adult life
>aunt has a host of issues stemming from teenage hood in the 70s, now I think she’s in the OCPD area (she’s been diagnosed with everything under the sun at one point
>grandma had inklings of NPD, mother has ADHD and depression, giving me the great pleasure of being diagnosed with DPD a few years ago

DPD is one of those great beasts that forces you to constantly question yourself and rely on everyone around you for validation, to the point of asking if it’s okay to have or what should be a certain dish for dinner in fear of disappointing the person you’re asking. There is no self esteem, only self loathing and feeling completely worthless without someone else to help you. I’m currently in therapy now to hopefully find the root of it and be able to function on a simple level on my own.

My mom has NPD, which I've already talked about in the narc parents thread, and I'm pretty sure I have OCD due to trauma.
My OCD makes me do little things to make me feel like I can avoid bad things, like I'll wash a fork before using it to make sure it wasn't contaminated, if I put it down in the middle of eating, I'll have to wash it again. Also I can't drink water unless it's bottled, and every time I open a water, I have to hear a little hiss that way I'll know no one tampered with it.
I'm currently going to therapy for these issues because it's starting to affect a lot of the rest of my life more than usual again. I'm starting to feel detached from myself and my surroundings because of it. I have an anxiety and panic disorder as well, which some days can be really crippling.

Same boat anon i relate a lot to your symptoms, i was forced to live for a while in a very dirty and nasty house full of cockroaches that would appear in our food and leave excrement everywhere, grassy walls and bad odor, i lived there for like 3 years and now i have developed hardcore OCD that interferes with my life way TOO MUCH. Good luck with therapy.