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No. 176526

You have no idea what to do about that thing? Ask for advice here!

Previous thread: >>>/g/147310

No. 176528

I am debating whether or not I should reach out to a former friend for reconcilliation after a falling out. We had been friends for 15 years prior and at times it was not the healthiest dynamic but we had some good times.

The final fight honestly wasn't even over something major but had been building up for some time due to incidents in the past. We both had fault and we cut each other off. It's since been a year and a half since we last spoke. The friend made an passive aggressive attempt to "talk" through a third party last year which I chose to ignore. If we are to talk, it will be an honest conversation and not through some manipulative mind game.

After therapy and introspection, I've grown and healed from a lot of my past and am considering extending an olive branch out to said friend to see if we can reconnect. Though I'm not sure if this is a good idea, that maybe I'm just doing this because I miss the good times without considering the bad. I would like a healthy friendship with them if they are open but I do not want to get dragged into the same toxic dynamic we had before.

No. 176529

You changed and have grown as a person, but did your friend too? From the sound of it not, I'd leave it in the past to be honest.

No. 176533

I don't know if they did, which is why I wanted to test the waters. If I'd have to guess, I'd say they may have changed a little but I'm not sure if it's enough to rebuild a sincere friendship on.

I mainly miss having someone who was able to understand and express that side of my personality. Is that naive or selfish of me?

No. 176544

How do people stay positive and optimistic despite having hardships? I see people who have it much worse than me (financially, career-wise, etc) and they manage to be happy and radiate warmth. I despair at the smallest hint of a difficulty coming in my way

No. 176575

It's as simple (and potentially difficult) as having a good mindset. Someone might be living in relative poverty but they're grateful for having friends, for having enough food to eat every day, for having a roof over their head rather than living on the streets. They think about the things they have rather than the things they don't, and how they can continue improving their lives and others' rather than wallowing in how difficult something is. They tend not to make judgments about situations and just accept that we all have struggles but that's okay because they're a normal part of life. They've been through plenty of tough times and survived; one more isn't going to rattle them. Why do you hate difficult things? Genuine question. I'd honestly be pretty bored if everything I wanted was given to me on a golden platter. Sure, it'd be nice for a while, but eventually I'd want a challenge. There are things to be gained and appreciated even during the rough parts.

No. 176592

How do you guys deal with friends who flake on you all the time? I swear, every single friend I have just cancels last minute on me these days. One of which was my best friend when I was young, so I have a soft spot for her. It just seems like all of my friends are super selfish, which sucks because I always show up no matter what. I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do.

No. 176605

Make better friends. Not being sarcastic. I had a group of friends that used to flake all the time from college. Stopped trying to do anything with them, made new friends who seemed more on top of things. None of them have flaked and they've been more appreciative of me in general.

No. 176698

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Anons, I need advice. I felt invisible all my life despite not being below average and not being overweight, going to college, to parties etc. Only a few friends and guys would always see me as just a friend/acquaintance. I went to therapy for unrelated and pretty hard stuff, discovered that it is most likely all related to my abusive family and zero self esteem, and my therapist suggested that when someone has no confidence, it can manifest in little things like how you behave, walk, talk, move, look at people, even how you chat online, and is really unattractive/prevents chemistry from happening when someone finds you physically attractive and gets along with you. Ever experienced this? Ever seen someone who just had a drab unattractive vive (for lack of a better word)? I am working on myself but this is a very new concept to me (tbh I used to have a really warped perception of how people interact and used to, like, think it was extremely bad luck or a curse) and I just want to talk to someone about this.

No. 176700

Meant to say "vibe" instead of "vive" of course.

No. 176702

Therapists say the weirdest vaguest shit to their clients. They tell you you might be demonstrating off putting behaviours but don't have the aptitude to explain to you specifically what you're doing wrong or how to fix it. I hate therapy. I had a mental therapist that was suppose to sort my issues with my step mother out and she refused to tell me what it was that I did to my step mum that caused her so much anguish. Said it would go against ethics. Meanwhile she was mates with the ex of my now ex and telling her directly about our sessions. I found out because she had dm'd my bf at the time and told him about it lol.

Sorry for the unrelated rant but therapists that don't actually give you personalised tangible advice are incompetent or at worst a spastic.

to get people to notice you more you have to be more social and take up space in social settings. Maybe you're therapist could try to actually help you with your social anxiety

No. 176705

Damn, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, that sucks.

I think that my therapist was on point though. Some behaviours she pointed out (nervous twitches, not maintaining eye contact etc) were confirmed by friends when I asked them if they noticed. I never thought that non verbal stuff is so important though which is why I'm curious to hear any experiences being on either side of this.

No. 176709

Yes, I know what you/your therapist is talking about. This may be harsh to hear but in my experience with people who have low self esteem, they wear it on their body and in their mannerisms. It comes off… meek? for lack of a better word.

When I interact with people like this, they give off a very anxious, self pitying vibe. Like they are uncomfortable in their own body and they are very worried others won't like them or they desperately want others to like them. Alot of it is expressed in body language and non verbal like you said.

This can be a very uncomfortable energy to be around because that emotions are contagious when you are in close emotional proximity (ex. relationships, friendships).

Also it's like, hey if this person doesn't even like themselves then why should /I/ like them? If this person doesn't think they have anything of value to offer, then maybe they don't.

People are drawn to confidence and self assuredness, almost to a fault (that's why psychopaths seem to do so well). Not recommending you become a psychopath, but just continue working on yourself. Eventually, you may look in the mirror and be happy/proud of the person you see. That kind of self confidence shines from within and will literally draw others to you.

No. 176713

Thank you! This is harsh, and this is exactly what I'm looking for. When you're growing up with shitty self-esteem, sometimes it is near impossible (at least it was for me) to put a finger on how it manifests to others. I used to obsess over my bad luck and would hate myself for seemingly putting the same effort as others and not getting the results. Now I believe I didn't put the same effort due to what you just described, but never realized it and was stuck in perpetual self hatred. Probably explains why a bunch of close guy friends maintained that they never got that romantic vibe when we met, and it never developed later.

This is so shitty to realize and I'm feeling like a whole chunk of my life was stolen from me, but hey, if I did unproductive things and got bad results then maybe if I do the opposite it will get better. Thanks again, anon.

No. 176714

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Hi anons, what do you look for in a therapist? I've spent some time in the mental health circus before, but most "treatment" has made things worse because I couldn't build trust or connect with the doctors/counsellors. I know that I won't get anywhere unless I find the right person. Mostly I'm wondering how you know when you've found a good therapist, what sorts of things I should look for, any red flags to be aware of. All advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

If it helps, for some background I have a traumatic history, probably an undiagnosed personality disorder (cluster C???), and I'm the self-aware/intrinsic type who already reflects on my feelings and actions more than most.

No. 176745

It's truly a pain in the ass to find the right fit anon, I relate and wish there was an easier way to tell who's reliable. I think one of the big things is to narrow down what you personally are looking for from therapy. Do you want to develop better coping mechanisms? Get to the root of your fears? Fix intrusive thoughts/spiraling? Have a specific goal in mind and then question if your therapist has a plan on how to address it and if they've dealt with those things before. Most will do a free phone consultation and you shouldn't be afraid to interview them a bit; at the least they should be able to give clear answers before you step in their office. You should probably look for someone who specializes in trauma and from there narrow down approach and what sort of modality they use. Expect an outline on how they hope to solve your issues, they shouldn't just meander around aimlesly hoping to keep you in their office. A good therapist should want to get you out of therapy someday, not keep you on the hook paying their bills. Although of course sometimes this takes months/years. Other bad things: They shouldn't self disclose without a specific purpose, shouldn't be judgmental, shouldn't make decisions for you or push you to share vulnerable feelings before you're ready. Check their background to see how much experience they have and with what type of patients. If they have any public reviews that can help too, but of course many patients don't want to share with the world that they're in therapy. Good luck on your search!

No. 176746

I look for someone who works with me to figure me out. I find it helpful to look at my issues clinically, in a CBT-like setting. In my experience with this type of therapy, trust or getting to know the therapist isn't required so that makes it easier.

I used to like therapists that let me unload or rant or cry about my past to them, but honestly while that feels good it isn't very productive. I never got better. The best therapist I had did not let me get sidetracked or divert the conversation (which was a huge habit at the time, stemming from my grief and depression). I remember I started crying at one point, he handed me a tissue and said a few comforting things and then straight up delved into drawing a chart on the board with terms and definitions of how my thoughts came to that point. It was fantastic. I stopped crying pretty fast.

No. 176748

This is anon who asked about nonverbal clues earlier. I'm hearing that unfortunately, it's often a matter of trying until you click with the therapist, but I'll share some things from my limited experience (tried a couple of different therapists until I found the one I like) and also from what my friends have been telling me from their own experience. I feel like a lot of these can go unnoticed during your first session so I apologize if this doesn't help you much.
I would consider these red flags:
- actively slapping a label on your behavior/issues. One of the docs I went to would straight out put a label on my behavior and explain it to me, basically taking the lead. My current one asks questions and gives me space to figure out some things by myself, guiding me into the process. She doesn't jump to conclusions and instead helps me explore my trauma and connect the dots. Of course, she explains how these things work, it's just that she doesn't slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.
- not explaining how therapy works. Not discussing what to do in the days between your sessions. With my first two docs, I would go in, vent, listen to them and that was it for a week. Rinse, repeat. I was frustrated and felt like it was not working. My current one (she's a CBT therapist) explained how therapy works, why it is important to constantly pay attention to negative thought-feeling-action patterns and how the brain is slowly changing when you do this. Depending on stuff we talked about on a given day, she will suggest a psych book to read or some CBT exercises. When I had a really awful week, the task was just to try and help myself in small ways. Breathe, remind myself I'm there for me, try to sustain a healthy schedule.
- telling you that there must be a certain way to live and that you're wrong if you choose not to. My friend's therapist was extremely judgy and the friend in question would often have crying fits because she felt ashamed of her own needs.
- as the other poster said, not explaining you the grand scheme of how long your issues could take. They sure should be able to give you some direction and explain how this particular problem is generally solved. Although you can go in for feeling awkward with small talk at parties and unearth some global stuff like childhood issues lol.
- promising you 100% success if you just do this thing they'll tell you to. The goal should be to give you tools and knowledge so that you can go through this life, not to fix you with this one weird trick.
- not doing anything when you vent again and again without a resolution. They should gently point you towards constructive ways to get out of the loop. Might be CBT type writing down your emotions, thoughts, and actions and finding the pattern there.
Sorry for the long rant, hope this helps a little.

No. 176773

How do I stop being nervous around cute guys? Even when I’m not personally attracted to them I always feel like their judging me, mostly because I was a real dog in high school and attractive guys were always really really cruel to me just cause they thought I was ugly and they could be. Now, even if they haven’t said anything to suggest it, I feel like they all secretly think I’m gross and so I don’t know how to make eye contact with them or give more than one word responses.

No. 176774

yup. and tone related stuff. low self-esteem gives you a quiet anger you carry yourself with… it's not nice to interact with people like that. the perpetual victim type are particularily easy to spot on.
this will be harsh to hear: low self steem people who have no inner validation circuits and no individual principles (following the crowd) act as if the people around them owe them perpetual validation, and sometimes they expect that out of you in a very subconscious level; like i said, the quiet anger is really unpleasant to experience. I say this as someone that has worked out self esteem issues and has done that to people (unconsciously). One day I realized how angry I was, and how I considered people around me to be responsible about my life, about the way I think of myself, etc, and I realized how it impacted my relationships and how unfair of me it was to demand all this now that I'm an adult.
The responsability is liberating. With clarity of mind you can be the person you always wanted to be.

No. 176775

Well, sounds like self esteem issues, which are to be expected out of bullying. You have very negative thoughts about yourself that you project onto them. Have you considered therapy? Please don't try to get in a relationship until you feel confident with yourself, otherwise you might get into unhealthy relationships! Take care.

No. 176822

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Anons, how do I stop being a covert narcissist?
I recently reflected on my relationships (romantic, friendship, family, etc) and I recognized that I recreate the same pattern in all of them: I victimize myself, shift the responsibility to other people and expect others to take care of me and my problems. I also have difficult with empathy - I often forget to take into account how my actions might have affected others and when I'm in a low mood I feel like I'm literally the most unfortunate person in the world and it is hard for me to focus on others. People have also expressed that they are afraid to share things with me because they know that I have an inferiority complex with a tendency to compare myself to others and if I learned that for example, my friend just bought a car (which I don't have) then I would feel bad. I was really surprised by this notion btw and I would never want anyone to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Another reason I think I'm a covert narc is that my mother is a narcissist and it makes sense that we share characteristics

No. 176825

Just turned 20 a bit ago and im still stuck at home. I do plan on living here for a bit as I live in a major city so housing is crazy expensive, however, my parents control pretty much every aspect of my life due to Covid. Theyre pretty chill usually and pre-Covid let me do what I wanted, but now they're so paranoid and legit wont let me leave the house. I cant even go to school because everything is online. They're even iffy about the vaccine and don't know if I should get it.
I know a lot of people have it worse, and sorry if this is better suited for the venting thread, but I cant do this for another year. I'm praying I can go on campus next semester. What can I do to remain sane?

No. 176826

If your mother is a narcissist as you say, then you likely have a lot of baggage leftover from childhood trauma. You won't heal until you process and move on from all of that. Als, judging from the behaviours you described, it also sounds like you have trouble expressing your feelings to others and communicating your wants/needs. What you're lacking are coping mechanisms and a healthy self-image. I suggest looking into conflict resolution strategies and ways to build your self-esteem. Above all, I recommend you don't get too attached to the narc label or fixate too much on a diagnosis. When I self-identified as a narc, I tended overlook or misinterpret a lot of my behavioural patterns. Nowadays, to avoid that I focus on specific issues and approach them as if I were anybody else, not a narcissist with a problem.

No. 176828

Odd question, but how do you develop a sense of self? I just don't really know what kind of person I am and I feel really boring and uninteresting. Mental illness has made it really hard to pursue hobbies so I feel like I have nothing going on. At best I feel like a stranger to myself and at worse I just hate myself.

No. 176829

Will they let you go outside for walks, to the store, etc.? Are there parks nearby, any greenery at all? It's so simple but just getting out into nature is a great cure for cabin fever. If you have friends in town, lie and say you're going for a walk and meet up with them a few blocks away lol. Hopefully you can change up your routines a bit, maybe try a new hobby or pick up some free skill-building courses to do alongside schoolwork. Spend as much time as you can doing creative or otherwise productive things so that you can look back on these crazy years with at least a little bit of pride. Hang in there!

No. 176833

Maybe you should spend more time with other people, a few years ago I was also very bothered with the question of what kind of person I am and who I want to become, and I realized it thinking about it is worthless, actions are what is important. And if you are wondering what sort of person you are, if you hang out with people, they will comment on what makes you interesting, at least my friends do. There is something interesting about everyone, you just don't know it because it's normal to you; nobody is boring.
I know it's easy to say "just hang out with people", so if you can't just be assured from my words that you are interesting

No. 176836

thanks anon, I appreciate it!

No. 176838

thank you anon, a few of my friends have told me to just lie and I honestly felt really guilty about it, but I think youve given me the push I needed lol

No. 176876

I'm asthmatic and I've also been struggling with allergic sinusitis for the past 3 months. I live in an area where the air is very polluted, and on top of that I haven't cleaned my apartament in a few months because I've been too depressed to do anything, so I definitely breathe in a lot of dust when I'm inside. After I clean everything up I'd like to buy an air filter but it's expensive and I don't have a job right now. I have enough savings to buy it but buying anything when I'm unemployed is very stressfull. I don't know what's worse; stressing over spending money or stressing over being unable to breathe. Should I buy it now or wait until I find a job?

No. 176919

Please buy the air filter. Your physical health comes first, always. This isn't a frivolous purchase for entertainment or a collection or something, but for the care and keeping of your life and self. Plus, how will you perform well at your job if you struggle to breathe every day? Please hang in there, Anon.

Also if you have any friends or family who can help you clean, I urge you to ask for their assistance even if you feel guilty or embarrassed. Nobody wants you to live in filth, so I'm sure they'll be happy to. When I'm too depressed to clean, it can feel too overwhelming to start without someone else.

No. 176936

How should I go about changing my personality? Should I change my self-beliefs first and then take action or taking action and forming new habits is what results in new self-beliefs?

No. 176946

Lately I've really been feeling that stem isn't for me. Well I fucking hate it honestly. I'm finishing my undergrad soon and don't know what to do going forward. I've been looking into different masters but there's nothing that really interests me. Some things seem cool on a surface level but my current degree also did and it honestly ended up being the worst decision I've made in my life so far. I feel like I dug myself into a hole - my undergrad isn't enough to make me employable(bad uni/no interest on my part), sinking even more money and time into the same field seems suicidal but going a completely different route isn't an option as I'd have to do undergrad again and I really don't have money for that. It doesn't help that I live in the middle of nowhere and choices are very limited in general. Studying abroad would be difficult and expensive and probably bankrupt my mom as I haven't been able to find a job ever since covid started. My real passions are history, art and fashion and I don't know what the fuck to do.

No. 176950

Identify what behaviors you don't like and seek counseling if you can't hold yourself accountable to change them. If you don't think you have shitty behaviors and just want to change your identity, then just do the things you want to do. You don't have to Heather Explains your lifestyle choices to anyone.
Most employers in the arts don't give a shit what your undergrad is for. In your free time, work on developing a portfolio and connecting with people in the field you want to be in. Take it from a retard with a degree in the arts. You might not become an art historian or whatever but you can land a job in the arts with any irrelevant degree if you have a decent portfolio and connections. Also keep in mind that you might hate working in the arts despite enjoying art, in which case you'll be glad you have an "impressive" degree to fall back on rather than an art degree.

No. 176951

I don't know if I should cut off my friend over him being trans
My friend was a gay man when I met him, he lives in a homophobic Middle Eastern country, I met him while he was on holidays in the U.K and we stay in contact online. I really dislike trans "women", I think they're incredibly predatory and the rare few that aren't enable predators and have an overall sexist view of women. He knows my views on this and once asked me to refer to him as a woman which I refused to do. He keeps posting things about how he's a woman because he has wide hips (he doesn't) and because he's so feminine (aka fits sexist stereotypes of women). It's even worse because he's planning to apply for asylum in the U.K claiming he's a transgender woman leaving the Middle East because of their horrific LGBT rights despite him being wealthy and having the means to immigrate normally, I know if he's granted asylum on that basis I'm going to grow to resent him for possibly taking asylum from a real woman who actually needs it. Should I cut him off altogether or is it worth trying to explain to him that he's hurting women by doing all this?

No. 176954

Here lies the issue, I'm a talentless fuck and I haven't properly created since high school. I'm more interested in art on the art history/theory side of things as opposed to directly creating, over quarantine I've been trying but seems like every one of my creative brain cells died a long time ago.

No. 176955

what other anon said but also, the best thing you can do for yourself is stop living in the middle of nowhere. If you want to work in art/fashion especially…it ain't happening in dinkytown Kansas. You dont need to be in la/nyc but you should live in a city big enough to have at least some opportunities in those areas. Moving is scary but living in a rural place basically strangles your career and life prospects because there are so few opportunities. Even if you have to work retail or w/e in a city at first, theres so many more opportunities around that you have a much better chance of something cool coming along.

No. 176956

Thank you for taking the time to read my bs anons.
I'm from eastern europe kek escaping it is my #1 priority but as I said I just have no money right now. I'd like to have at least enough money to pay a couple months worth of rent before fucking off somewhere. Covid fucked me over hard and I've been job searching forever with no luck. Most places don't want to hire students because they can't abuse us like regular workers.

No. 176963

I have my smear test/cervical screening tomorrow. I'm nervous.

No. 176970

Ayrt, consider working in the art industry rather than in a creative role. As >>176955 pointed out you'll have better luck in a bigger city if you can save up to move somewhere where there are more job opportunities in that industry. I'm having a brain fart trying to come up with role examples but you could work in support of creatives doing something better suited to the math or science or whatever skills you practiced in school. Then study your passions in your free time and make some connections in the industry through that job that could help you find a role that is more relevant to your interests. Even if you're not in a creative role they still tend to not be too picky about the details of your degree. Imo the whole having passion about your work thing is kind of a meme because work will always feel like work even if you like doing that thing in your free time, but I get that you don't want to feel stuck doing something that you totally hate. Aim for the industry rather than the exact role you want and remember that the first job you get isn't the role you'll be doing forever. Good luck anon I know it can be very stressful but definitely not worth roping over.

No. 176972

Samefag I'm a retard and read the suicidal comment as you being suicidal but I realize now that you were talking about financial suicide. Whoops.

No. 177015

Nta, I'm just another anon with low self esteem and this comment was very insightful, thank you. I honestly never thought that other than just me feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, I was also making other people feel bad

No. 177016

When I bring up issues I have with certain people they usually start listing issues they have with me and it makes me feel bad for even bringing up my issue and I end up back tracking and apologizing. It then makes me feel like I shouldn't bring up issues I have with others because I'm not perfect and I just need to push things under the rug. How do I stand my ground in these situations without it turning into a fight? Since I feel like when I do try and stand my ground an argument happens and doesn't get resolved until I apologize and act like I'm actually fine with the issue I originally had.

No. 177018

All I have to say is that you just described the conversations I have with my mother to a T and I also have no idea how to deal with it

No. 177019

How can I break out of the victim mentality? I keep creating situations where I feel like a victim. The funny thing is often, even if I actively WANT something, I often end up feeling like I HAVE TO go through it and things are beyond my control

No. 177024

Taking responsibility has helped me a lot. Like, if you fuck up fix it and admit you're wrong, if you really are the victim stand up for yourself and actually do something instead of sitting around and whining.

No. 177030

A maladaptive behaviour pattern like that tends to be linked to certain disorders so if that's the underlying cause then do everything in your power to address it and treat it. Take responsibility for that, if you can clearly see that pattern only you can go get the help for it. Nobody else can fix that for you. Own that.

No. 177037

Ayrt, I really appreciate the response and advice. I get caught up in my own head a lot and getting insight from someone who is completely objective really helps. Kek i am suicidal but more as a if-all-else-fails type of scenario so I'm gonna keep trucking for a while longer. Thanks again.

No. 177086

How do you learn to laugh more again? I used to laugh so much as a kid and as a teenager and cracked a lot of jokes but I seem to have lost that part of me almost completely, probably due to crippling chronic depression.

No. 177091


No. 177107

anons my granny died during the pandemic and I wasn't able to see her before she passed away. I hadn't been able to see her for a year or two because we live in different countries and I was always tied up with work and school. The last time I spoke to her was on the phone a month before she died and I promised I would go and see her after the pandemic when social distancing rules would allow. But I couldn't and I'm still so full of guilt and anguish over it. How do I stop feeling so full of regret?

No. 177110

It's not your fault anon. You've actually done the most responsible and loving thing you could, deciding not to be selfish and wait with your visit until pandemic is over. It's awful you couldn't see her one last time but I'm sure your grandma knew that you love her and you wanted all the best for her. Let yourself mourn but don't blame yourself.

No. 177111

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I’m just self aware enough to know I act extremely autistic but not enough to stop, especially if I’m in the flow of things while socializing.
Even worse I realize I said something incredibly cringe only like 3 minutes after and I have to resist the urge to sit and quietly disassociate while I’m out having a good time, how the fuck do I converse naturally without blurting out the first thing that comes to mind so often?

No. 177187

The best advice I heard that solves this is becoming a better listener and getting better at asking questions. For example, someone you're speaking to is talking about boats. You know jack shit about that and add the small amount of information you know will kill the conversation. Instead, ask that person why that got into boating. They'll explain why they got into boating, maybe a family member did or it was a wacky circumstance. Ask about their family, ask to elaborate about a part of boat. Don't be afraid to ask basic questions; the goal isn't to seem knowledgeable, it is to build rapport with whoever you're speaking to.

No. 177250

Hi anons, how do you make friends? I see all these people I want to talk to buy then I cannot talk to them, or if I do the conversation doesn't go anywhere.

No. 177339

How can I build self-discipline? I have the attention span of a goldfish and the impulsive desire for instant gratification of a horny teenager

No. 177347

You'll have to stop using all the addicting stuff that gives you that instant gratification (social media, forums, food, porn, whatever it is) and replace those habits for others that require your attention (reading, doing exercise, housechores, a creative activity, etc)
You'll suck at first and won't be able to do it for more than 5 minutes. You'll have to put into work for weeks but if you keep going, you'll break those cycles. You'll get better with practice, just like everything
There are thousands of youtube videos about it, watch (a few) on the topics of building habits, instant gratification, dopamine detox, pain and pleasure principle, etc

No. 177348

It's kind of tough to say without knowing specific circumstances. If they're people you see regularly like at work/school/a hobby, talk about shared interests and build up some rapport with them. You can usually narrow down things you're both into and then ask about going out from there. "Hey I know you enjoy xyz and I wanted to do this related thing on Sunday, would you like to come? No worries if not." If it's a more random scenario then you kind of just have to go for it. Like if you meet someone at an event and you get talking about something or seem to get along, say something like "I know we just met but you seem cool and I'd enjoy maybe hanging out again. Would you mind if I got your number/IG/whatever contact you'd be comfortable with?" The worst they can say is no, and if they're just being nice and respond in a lukewarm way when you follow up you can generally tell, but you miss every shot you don't take. Making friends is similar to dating imo, don't get overly attached and cast a wide net. The good ones will rise to the top because they respond regularly, respect your time and ask you to do things in turn.

No. 177393

How do I help someone whose life is just difficult, unlucky and lacking in meaningful choices? I've run out of advice about coping because I'm relatively sheltered in comparison. I care about them so much and I don't know what to do to help them.

No. 177398


Hard to say without knowing more details. Sounds like asking directly to them what you could do for them and what they need from you is a good start! If you say you can't relate based on your differences, then don't assume/try to guess, just ask and then actually do it (if it's a reasonable request of course). Let them know you're there for them and that you care.
You could probably start by googling things like "what not to say to people who are going through <specific problem of your friend>", and watch videos of people telling their stories going through those same problems your friend is going through, so you can grow some instinct+empathy.

No. 177428

Be there for them and listen to them, let them vent, let them cry on your shoulder, let them know they can come to you if they need a chat. There's not much else usually, but it helps more than you know.

I've been in that position before and pointless platitudes just pissed me off because I knew the person I was talking to was privileged and sheltered and didn't really know what kind of things I had to deal with. It's not their fault, but it was still frustrating.
It wasn't until years later that I met someone who was insanely privileged but acknowledged it and told me that they can't possibly relate but they will hear me out anyway because they care. And that kind of honesty was a lot more helpful than a chorus of I'm so sowwy/I know how it feels/Just hang in there/You can do it.

No. 177443

So there's someone I hurt with my behavior and I promised I wouldn't do it again but I did it and they said that this was the last straw and our friendship is over, they don't want to be friends with me anymore. I want to apologize in letter but I'm not sure what I should write. I mean I apologized before but I feel like I should do it once more for the last time and maybe thank her for all the memories we made together

No. 177449

What did you do?

No. 177453

File: 1617279889188.jpg (83.19 KB, 526x876, Screenshot_9.jpg)

I vented about this in an another thread a while ago. I have this problem of avoidance when it comes to social interactions. I have always had social anxiety and it doesn't matter how much I enjoy someone's company, meeting them, texting them and/or talking to them to me is an anxiety inducing task for me. Also, I guess because of a mixture of mistrust and low self-esteem, if someone is not constantly affirming that they like me and we are friends, I tend to get doubtful of their affection and assume that they hang out with me out of pity. So all of my friendships and relationships consist of the same pattern: we hang out, everything's good, then the mistrust kicks in and I withdraw and isolate myself, then friends reach out to me (usually) and the whole cycle starts again. So my last and only friend got fed up with this pattern especially since I have been in therapy for a long time and she made me promise that I wouldn't disappear again and then I did it again nevertheless. Avoidance is a legit addiction to me. She was like, okay, this was the last time. She deleted all of our messages and we haven't spoken ever since.
Even though I'm pretty sure this was really the last time and she's never going to want to do anything with me, I'm thinking about writing a letter to her, to provide closure, I'm just not sure what to write in it without repeating myself. I already explained to her that this was like an addiction. I already said I was sorry. I guess I would just want to thank her the memories we made together and sorry for the pain I caused…? Idk

No. 177455

Samefag. Sidenote: I think one of the main sources of her confusion is that in her mind, there is a direct correlation between thought and action. She simply thinks that if my friends are important, I do these and these actions for them. In my mind, nothing is ever as simple as that. I proctrastinate the things I want to do and avoid the people I want to be with all the time. There is no correlation between desires and action. I wish my mind was as straightforward as hers

No. 177464

In that case it could actually be beneficial to write her a message to tell her that despite having incompatible approaches to friendship/socializing you actually did appreciate her and the time you spent together.

No. 177465

I feel like neither of you have done anything wrong, you just have different expectations and needs when it comes to friendship. I'm sorry it didn't work out and that you've lost a friend.

No. 177467

I'm gonna do that, thank you!
That's a really…kind way of looking at the whole thing. I always assumed that clearly I was the one who was at fault. Thank you

No. 177512

File: 1617316598494.png (645.66 KB, 1628x612, 454363476365523466426.png)

Please help me decide between two plushes.

The on the left is a palamute plush (55cm) from the video game series Monster Hunter which I have played Monster Hunter Stories on the 3ds and enjoyed it. I also played Monster Hunter: World a bit on PC before quitting since my graphics card is crap and I plan on playing it one day AND the newest MH game on the switch. The thing that I like about it is that his eyes are closed like he's sleeping and the fact that it would be comfortable to rest my arms on, cuddle and lying against it. However since it is a limited item it going to cost about 245.64 gbp.

On the right is a Moomintroll his name is cuter in my native langauge plush (40cm) from the Moomin book/cartoon series. I watched the cartoons a lot as a child and I have nearly finished reading all the written stories by Tove as the stories got republished again in my country. I like that he is laying on his stomach and the fact he looks like his book counterpart and the fact that he is signifyingly cheaper then the palamute plush, totalling about 31,81 gbp.
However I don't know whether or not should buy one of them or neither since I already have a green plush (35cm~) of no significance that suits my needs aside not being able to rest my elbows over it.

Should I spend my money on new plush or should I save my money?

No. 177513

Is that Palmute really almost 300 dollars?

No. 177514

No I'm including the shipping fee and customs fee from country altough I'm not sure if it calculated it correctly since I categories it as a toy and not as a plush Idon't know if there is a diffrence
£181.20 witouht shipping or customs

No. 177517

I'm not gonna read the post (too lazy), but the moomin one is cuter

No. 177519

moomin hands down

No. 177520

I would go for the moomin because I've seen them before and they're cuter (more round), but you're a different person.

Maybe try flipping a coin and when it's in the air you'll know which side you're hoping it lands on.

No. 177521

I love Mumin, but I think the palamute plush looks nicer in general. I like the "little spoon" shape of it.

No. 177527

Could anyone advise me on what to do? My boyfriend cheated on me but I can't afford rent on my own, my city is very expensive. My parents kicked me out. I'm working and trying to go to uni but its all online now and after paying my half of the rent/groceries/utilities I barely have anything. I feel so lonely, I was making friends before covid but its been all remote since. I can't stand living with my boyfriend, he is very messy, bad hygiene, expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning, insults me… I have no safety net, no friends, no family, I feel really alone, I want to live in my own place but it's not possible.

No. 177528

I know it's covid but get roommates and find a new place.

No. 177544


anon if you're as alone as you say you are then you've got a lot of work to do. It's not every day that people are entirely friendless without family resources for no reason. Either tap into your resources or start on self work because hot damn that sounds sad.

No. 177545

Maybe she just moved a lot. I'm in a similar situation but I only have no friends around because I had to move like 25 times in my life.

No. 177546


you're very right. what i mean is that if they are alone in the sense of not being able to rely on anyone entirely then they are personally at fault for that. people who move away still have their roots.

my statements still stand - anon needs to humble themselves and tap into their resources. if they have no resources to tap into then they need to do a lot of self-work on top of everything else.

No. 177547

That sounds bad. Do you have absolutely noone you could get in contact with? I'm seconding what this >>177528 anon said. Start looking at ads were they are looking for roommates

No. 177559

Why are you being so insensitive? That anon seems to be trapped in an abusive relationship and likely grew up in an unstable home. Plus if she's working and studying online, when would she have the time to make or maintain friendships? When you consider all these factors, it's not unexpected that she would become so isolated. How can you say this is all her fault without even knowing her personality? You are the one who ought to humble themself. Also, stop putting so many linebreaks and learn to integrate.

No. 177562

>you've got a lot of work to do
Nta but damn that's so vague it's not even advice. You're being so overly judgemental, jumping to some odd conlusions about them and then that's the advice part of your post?? So helpful
>my statements still stand - anon needs to humble themselves
For the love of god anon don't offer people advice when you clearly have worse issues yourself.

No. 177572

I heard that changing your diet can reduce eczema flare ups. Have any anons successfully reduced their eczema this way and what did you change? My eczema isn't terrible compared to some people's, but my lips and scalp are always so itchy and sometimes I get patches on my face too. I'm not sure if there are certain foods I should be cutting out..?

No. 177585

>learn to integrate
>doesnt understand that line breaks on mobile happen.

What I'm saying is anon likely has resources. If they were truly isolated (and no that doesn't happen with just moving about) then they likely deserve it. If you're feeling alone anon, understand that it may be mental and you probably have more resources available than you think. It's ok to ask for help . If you are in a position to not ask for help from anyone, that's kinda weird and pretty sus.

But you're right, I'm pretty hostile with no actual solutions for anon. If things are truly as they are then anon needs to shuffle about their finances. I'm also living in an expensive area and the only way you can go it alone is understanding and accepting that your entire income will go to rent and necessities for the time. Anon should utilize padmappers, craigslist, and facebook roomshare groups local to their area to get an idea of room costs/ who is looking. Do you qualify for EDD (reduced hours still qualify you) or SNAP? Are there food distribution services available? Cover the essentials and commit to squirreling away any extra cash. Godspeed.

No. 177632

File: 1617406929817.jpg (52.65 KB, 772x960, 1614145949724.jpg)

I've been in a similar situation. Just stop cooking and cleaning for him. He is his own man now and you should get into the mindset of being roommates until you get outta there. You're not his girlfriend and certainly not his maid. Buy your own groceries. JUST your groceries, not his. Get out of the house and hang out at libraries, parks, discount movie nights, etc, maybe even volunteer for things and make friends. This should also lower your utilities.

Unfortunately uni might have to wait, but it's not like they're going anywhere. They're not going to uproot the campus and walk away lol. You're going to be fine, anon. Hugs

Have you tried cutting out dairy? I don't have experience with eczema and I might be talking out of my ass but I always hear that dairy causes a lot of skin problems. I always feel like my skin does better when I don't eat dairy too (but I always end up reintroducing it to my diet because fuck yeah cream and cheese)

No. 177633

I don't know where else to ask. I've already talked to my doctor and I'm also going to see a head doctor but there is a 6 week wait.
I used to be bulimic as a teen. Thought I was recovered, began purging again occasionally last year because people at work started to comment on me gaining weight in a negative way, even tho I was proud of my weight gain even if it meant I was slightly overweight. I don't work at that place anymore.

I've been really stressed out the last 2 weeks(love, family and school) and have been purging hard. It has calmed again, but here is my problem: It's like my body is starting to reject food. I can only eat yogurt and fruit in small amounts at the moment or else I'll involuntarily vomit. I'm at the high end of a healthy weight so my doctor isn't offering much advice ("just eat what you can") and I'm freaking out because I can't eat properly. I'm trying to experiment with eating different foods but it's just making me feel sick and I'm scared I'll might make it worse

No. 177637

Bulimicfag here, it sounds unhelpful but your doctor is right. Just eat what you can. Our bodies are amazingly resilient so let it recover and soon it'll remember that food is okay. You're not going to wither away from eating yoghurt and fruit (which are very nutritious) for a week.

You reminded me of last summer when I went on a purge frenzy. After a few days I start painfully burping for no reason and I didn't really hold down much food. But I stopped purging for a few days and everything was back to normal. Unfortunately I used that as an excuse to keep purging..

No. 177640


I wonder if eating food you might eat when you have the stomach flu would be helpful. Real mild stuff like bananas or rice etc.

No. 177644


This. Foods have a big impact on skin conditions. I personally cannot have peanut butter, high iodine foods (nori for example), dairy, etc because i break out in welts or cystic acne. I never took food intake seriously because it seems so trivial but it's absolutely imperative that you figure out what you're "allergic" to.

And it sounds stupid af but … celery juice. My best girlfriend developed eczema around her eyes after her pregnancy and she swears by celery juice. Have it in the morning with a splash of lemon, maybe carrot for a little sweet. Stick with it for 3 weeks and see if helps you out.

No. 177773

Thank you kind anons. I really appreciate all the suggestions. I’ve also heard that cutting out dairy is good for skin. I don’t drink/eat too much dairy in general, but I’ll still try reducing my intake and see if that does something. I also get cystic acne occasionally so I’m definitely trying to be more mindful of what I eat because it seems like my skin is being more sensitive recently and I don’t want it to turn to shit since I already have eczema. The celery juice also seems like a good idea! I don’t own a blender but I might consider investing in one.

No. 177820

I wrote a huge essay but fuck me even I don’t want to read it so TL;DR I let my younger cousin move in with me six months ago and she broke two of three important house rules, one of which I’d told her she’d be kicked out instantly for (hard drugs). Last week I discovered evidence that she’s been lying to and about me for months and brought cocaine into my house. She denied everything even when presented with evidence and instead tried to emotionally manipulate me into believing her.

I don’t want to have to kick her out because I love her she needs some solid adult guidance for once, but if I don’t kick her out I’m putting my mental health (and my house, I rent this place) at risk and showing her that actually, that solid rule wasn’t so solid, and she might be able to get away with it again.

My main concern is that I’m disabled and I feel like she took advantage of my symptoms and the fact I’m housebound to get away with whatever she wanted. I think all I can do is tell her I love her and I’ll be there for her if she needs advice, but I don’t trust her and so can’t live with her anymore and she needs to get the rest of her stuff ASAP.

What would you do, anons??

No. 177824

I'd definitely would kick her out. She broke 2/3 of your house rules! You love her and want what's best for her but she will continue to take advantage of your kindness. It's probably going to continue to be a vicious cycle like you just described. The self preservation is also a motivator in situations like this it sounds selfish, but what happens to you if someone else finds those hard drugs? I'm assuming having drugs on the premise could be grounds for immediate eviction and fuck up your renters history and you being housebound it would be very difficult to find a new place.

No. 177829

You need to stand by your word and kick her out as you said you would. Not doing so is basically telling her: You can do whatever the fuck you want without consequenses. On top of that she's taxing on your mental health and likely taking advantage of you. You have not just one, but 3 solid reasons to kick her out and you should. You can still give her guidance when she's gone. In fact I think that on the long term it's good for her to realise that her actions have consequenses.

No. 177846

I know you love her and want to support her but there is no way this situation is good for you.
The bottom line is, you set those rules for a reason and she agreed to them. On top of this, she then was deeply unkind by manipulating and lying to you. You already know she has to go. If you let her stay, you're choosing to betray yourself. It's true she needs adult guidance, but she needs to seek it out, and there's not a lot you can do about that.
Have somebody else there when you make her leave, if you're disabled and she's as underhanded as she seems to be, she may go as far as to rob you or refuse to leave. Hope it goes smoothly for you

No. 177884

anons, how do I stop worrying that my mum might kill herself? she was suicidal when she and my dad were still together when I was a teenager and I only found out when she told me recently, and I can't stop worrying that she might feel that way again. We live 4-5 hours away from each other in different countries so it's not like I can just pop round if something happens. I'm making myself sick with worry and idk what to do.

No. 177891

so if i dont use the kitchen to cook and there are roaches and bugs in the sink and counter tops should i be obligated to deep clean like my roommate wants me to? i make ramen and clean up after myself and load the dishes even the ones that aren’t mine

No. 177892

Why can't your roommate deep clean?

No. 177893

idk i think she's going thru a lot and help would be nice but like im like beyond depressed and she sees that. i don't know how to word to her that it's not my problem in a respectable way that doesn't bring tension in the house

No. 177895

If worst comes to worst, you can set a day with her so you guys can deep clean together. That shouldn't be too hard to bring up and talk about.

No. 177897

Please help…I have a terrible habit of rubbing my eyes. I've done it since I was a child but now I'm worried about making more wrinkles around my eyes. I do suffer from dry eyes, especially because of excessive screentime from digital learning. By the time I realized I'm doing it I've already been rubbing my eyes for a few seconds.

No. 177900

wear clear lens glasses so you break the habit

No. 177901

blue light blocking lenses and eye drops combined for the screentime and dry eyes

No. 177929

This might be insensitive but you just have to accept that she could die at any time for any reason, suicide or otherwise. So could anyone else in your family. So could you. Tell her you love her every day. Become someone that she'll be proud of. Life is short, it will inevitably end, and that's all we can really do.

No. 178018

I’m desperate for guidance at this point of my life and am about 4 bad days away from becoming an Orthodox Jew and selling most of my shit because I’m just unhappy with how my shopping addiction has resurfaced and how much shit I own. I cover my hair and gave up makeup plus switched to modest dressing and it’s made me much happier and feel closer to my spirituality.
I just really vibe with some of the Orthodox Judaism stuff I’ve been reading but I’m a lesbian so I doubt there’s a shul that would allow me to join, and other Reform sects might sideways glance at the fact that I want to follow the Orthodox “dress code” Halacha. Is it worth my time to even look for a synagogue?
(I attended a Reform-run Jewish preschool and after-school program for like 4 years as a kid but my family is all Catholic.)

No. 178086

I want to "graduate" from Lolcow and never come back but as of now, it's most of my social contact. I don't have any friends and am not interested in making them— hence why an anonymous imagboard is all I've needed to feel satisfied. I do have supportive family and a significant other I can lean on, but I'm still worried. DAE have experience blocking certain websites and never coming back? LCF is taking up a lot of my time and I think it brings out the bitterness in me too. I've only been here for maybe half a year, but it feels like I'm addicted. I wish I could use the siteblocking mechanism mentioned in the Shopaholics thread, but it uses a VPN and I can't run it at the same time as my usual one.

What should I do? I'll accept "go outside" but no, the answer is not "make friends."

No. 178090

Identify whatever it is you get out of LC and replace it with a better alternative.

Or download Cold Turkey, you can completely lock yourself out of lolcow with that software.

No. 178091

thank you anon, that genuinely does help

No. 178114

Guys, how can I stop playing negative imaginary scenarios or real past events in my head? They are mostly situations in which I feel attacked and I have to defend myself. They make me feel miserable but I can't stop

No. 178364

File: 1617839732513.jpg (Spoiler Image, 108.99 KB, 720x531, 119713775_363188245086754_3054…)

Farmers please tell me how’d you’d feel in my situation. Is it weird to feel like I want something to myself for once? As in, I have a friend who seems to eventually take interest in all of my interests sooner or later. I love this friend immensely. She's one of my best friend’s and I don’t think it’s anything to stop being friends over, but I just get this feeling of “damn can’t I have this to myself for once.” Example, I like writing and when I expressed that to my friend they began writing too, and then would call me when they wrote a passage. I like reading and so they asked to borrow my books and then wanted to talk to me about the books and start a book club. I recently started drawing and expressed how I wanted to eventually get an iPad pro as digital art looks fun, and then they talked of how they want to get an iPad so they can start drawing again too. I expressed how skating always looked fun and would like to get into it, today I saw they got a skateboard and started skating. I feel like the tipping point for me was how I’ve expressed how I would like to begin streaming for video games and then they later talked to me about how they’d like to stream. At first she talked about wanting to do a “study with me” type stream which sure, that seems up their alley, but then they expressed how they would like to go into gaming as well, as who’s to say they couldn’t. Which yeah that’s true, who’s to say she can’t do what she wants. It’s just that this one really irked me as they have quite literally never expressed interest in video games. Like I said I don’t feel like it’s something to stop being friends over, but I don’t know if I'm in gatekeeper mode and being a bitch or if it’s fair to just want something to myself for once. Maybe she just wants to connect with me and relate with me over my hobbies, so idk if I’m weird for being irked.

No. 178376

seems like a BPD queen that's imprinted on you. stop telling her you're going to get into things and just get into them, and if she finds out you'll already be immersed in it and won't feel envious when she gets into it

No. 178386

ngl you sound quite young, also I've been through this sort of situation a few times before. You two wont be friends forever. She will figure out who she is eventually and leave you for it.
Do what you want, while you can, and just keep your mouth shut about it lmfao how is this not the most obvious solution to your problem?

No. 178440

I posted this in the stupid questions thread but figured I'd try here as well - how do I stop feeling as if I'm being unreasonable by speaking up for what I want rather than bottling it up? I (politely) asked my roommate if she could not sing at the top of her lungs after I've told her I'm gonna take a nap due to being unwell, and now she's acting like I've slighted her and I ended up apologising

No. 178452

If you said it in a non rude tone then it's her problem, not yours. Other peoples feelings (unless you intentionally hurt them) are not really your problem.

St least that's what my therapist told me for similar situations lol

No. 178456

How can I make myself be more active? I'm completely addicted to low-effort, no risk activities like watching Youtube videos

No. 178476

Do you want to be more active or you just think you should be?

No. 178478

I genuinely want it, I fantasize about my goals all the time but they just don't translate into actions

No. 178498

Posted this on the Get it off your chest thread and wanted some advice. What do you think is wrong with me?


No. 178512

take more risks obviously. time to develop gambling addiction! but seriously, this is vague. maybe start with watching videos about hobbies or topics you're interested in, then buy materials or whatever and try them out. or try to use videos as a reward after doing something that isn't as immediately gratifying.

No. 178530

Having to move across my country and part with most of my useless belongings because of expenses. As someone who collects items that all have meaningful memories attached , how do I cope? Esp if my memory is shot from depression and alcohol. I feel like I'm losing a part of "me" when I try to face the fact that i need to part with them. It's all impractical to haul w/ me esp because it's just stuff like cookware i shared with good people, or CDs bought at a really fun concert experience. i can't put $$$ into hauling a cast iron and whatever trinkets i've picked up along my adventures so… how do i keep them with me when i part with them? Is there a way in changing my thinking about this to make it easier?

No. 178532

idk if it's important to note that i'm in my late 20s, not someone who is just leaving their home for the first time or s/t. a lot of these trinkets hold memories with people who have passed or who i am no longer in meaningful contact with. i've tried the Marie Kondo method but it doesn't click. i don't know if i'm approaching it with the wrong headspace tho..

No. 178545

Maybe take photos of them? That might sound stupid because it's the physical object you're attached to rather than a place or person but I find that I look through my photos aaaaall the time and it keeps things I've enjoyed in my memory. If you're into craft you could even make a scrapbook or album with captions or notes or w/e.

No. 178579

Anyone here ever reported a close friend/relative to the police or got them convicted for something messed up? I wanna know how your loved ones reacted? Does your family hate you now?

No. 178581

I feel you anon, I’m an extremely sentimental person too but trying to fight it. >>178545 is really good advice; when I first heard of that idea I did think it was stupid until recently when I was looking through childhood photos with lost sentimental items in the background. It occurred to me that I felt so much better having these photos compared to keeping all those possessions. The stress wasn’t there: I didn’t have to worry about cleaning the item, keeping it safe, who I might upset if I chose to give it away. No stress about losing it - sure, I might lose the photo but that’s less likely and I wouldn’t care as much as some distance had already been created. All that was left was the joy (I don’t gel with Marie Kondo either but that’s the correct word) of admiring the item and reminiscing. You could even make videos.

You could also work on your whole mindset about stuff. It doesn’t define you - even without those CDs you still have the memories of the fun concerts. Maybe you’re more of a visual person (so the photos will help), but working on how you relate to objects will still be beneficial.

There’s videos about minimalism and sentimental items on YouTube that might help. Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki is a book that I would recommend over Marie Kondo. He’s a super minimalist with four shirts and a bunch of Apple products type guy, the type I usually hate, but his book is different. It’s full of practical advice as well as thoughts on materialism and culture. Thought provoking, doesn’t come across as a lecture, and written by someone who used to be a maximalist. I refer back to it a lot.

I hope you’re able to figure it out.

No. 178584

How about digitalizing them? As in taking pictures of the items?

No. 178627

I legit have no friends, no siblings, and all my relatives are estranged and in another country.
If my bf and I were to get married eventually, I would have no idea who to bring other than my parents. Is it normal to just bring mum and dad? My side would just be completely empty.

No. 178642

I had a wedding years ago with just the two sets of parents at it, similarly I had no friends, wasn't close enough to my extended fam to really be setting up a whole wedding ceremony. We had a registry office weddding and in that setting it wasn't treated as anything unusual.

Are you thinking church wedding though? And is he having many attend?

No. 178735

Interesting to hear anon, yeah he is thinking of a church/outdoor wedding. I would say his side would have around 20 people perhaps?

No. 178777

this is fucking retarded but how do i get over never having a relationship or losing my virginity as a teenager? before i got to highschool i wanted so badly to do that shit but lost my teen years to depression and it still fucks me up. i know teen experiences usually arent good anyway but i wanted that so badly damn it. now im still a kissless virgin but in my mid 20s in my first relationship which is online and i love the person, i really do but god does it make me depressed, im dying for physical affection and to swipe my v card already. i know we arent going to last either because of the different directions were going in with our lives. so i guess i also want to know if theres any point in continuing a relationship you know will end one day too.

No. 178780

In retrospect I really wasn't late losing my virginity but when I was 19 I felt like I was. I spent my teens totally housebound with agoraphobia and when I made some progress and started going out again at 19 I was in a rush to get my virginity 'out of the way' I'd used toys already but was stupidly hung up on the idea of being 'behind schedule' to lose it. I was behind in alot of ways but focused in on that for some odd reason. Weird priorities.

I threw it to the first guy and it wasn't that deep for him but I (silently) obsessed over him because of the emotional attachment it gave me. I was in over my head and not prepared for how it emotionally affected me. I felt ridiculously heartbroken over a guy I knew was never going to be a keeper anyway. As a now 30-something I look back and I would honestly take back my first few YEARS of sexual expereinces if I could. When you're older you most likley won't look back and worry about some schedule that virginity has to meet. If anything you're more likely to look back and wish you'd been fussier about who you gave it to though. That's more often how people look back on it.

No. 178783

I was also 19 like the other anon when I lost it. When I entered uni I was just like "I need to be like an adult now" and started a relationship online with a guy working abroad, then it turned into a real relationship when he returned. I jumped into bed with him almost instantly because I wanted to lose my virginity. It was absolutely awful, our whole sex life was, because he was terrible and selfish in bed. There's nothing "freeing" about being on the "other side" (which in itself is a false concept). There is zero merit to losing your virginity with someone who doesn't care about you deeply.

Also online relationships are not even actual relationships in my eyes, not to offend, unless you have actual goals of living together/closeby in the future. If you're using each other as emotional crutches and it doesn't take out more out of your life then it gives you, then I don't see why you'd end it right now. I mean it's not too romantic, but people cope in different ways, especially in these socially separated times.

No. 178788

You could elope. Save money, save stress.

No. 178799

OK, so I am gender critical/ anti trans myself and here is my advice:
If he knows about your views and doesn't call you a nazi and doesn't wish you death, he is much more mature and emotionally intelligent than 90% of all the troons living in the West. Yes, he might be lost, confused and indoctrinated into the trans cult, but maybe that is what he genuinely thinks is good for him and that is his situation. Even if he is hurting himself and hurting women, it is not wrong for you to be his friend. You don't have to cut him of if you value your friendship even if he doesn't listen to you. He is doing his stupid thing right now, but he is still a valuable human and it's always good to keep the dialogue going on instead of just cutting him of and letting him be completely lose himself in the troon echo chambers

No. 178802

Nahh, too close to our families to do that.

No. 178806

>Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki is a book that I would recommend

seconding this recommendation. this book really changed how I view my belongings

No. 179047

anon just so you know there are people for you out there, i'm also very addicted to avoidance i go into these depressive episodes that last from weeks to months pretty often where i cut off all of my friends or i'll text with randos but not my friends which is obviously a douchey move on my part but i cant help it, its just how i cope with sadness and stress it'll never change, so when im afk for a while my friends know i need my space, maybe i got super lucky with friends and im very thankful but they don't get offended on the contrary they help me text back all the unread messages once i'm back to normal, idk like i get that its "rude" but i feel like she's overreacting, im sure you'll find someone who'll accept you as you are its not a huge deal

No. 179058

Okay weird af situation
>be me in highschool, guy has always liked me since freshman year
>I graduate and reconnect with my childhood bff, her bf at the time was besties with the guy who liked me
>He friend request me last year
> I accept not thinking much since I have his bestie on facebook still
>He messages me and I replied
>He message again and I don't reply because I remembered who he was and I was busy with my boyfriend
>he gets mad and blocks me on fb
>he sees I am in relationship and friends me again today like what the fuck

No. 179450

A friend of mine is being stalked and harassed online. We don't have his name. What can we do?

No. 179456

I think I might be able to get a tattoo apprenticeship potentially with a tattoo artist whose work I love. But I know he finds me hot so that'd likely be a huge factor in him agreeing. He has tattooed me before and we met through a mutual friend. Apparently he asks about me and such and he's a lot older and has a longtime gf (or wife, I forget). Am I an asshole for trying to cozy up and use the fact ik he finds me especially attractive to gain a huge favor out of him? Or would the work relationship be too weird or imbalanced because of it. I regularly get told I'm not by people so that's nothing new, but never to my face by a boss, but I know things are more informal in the tattoo industry.

No. 179464

Idk much about the tattoo industry, but this sounds like a bad idea. He'll probably end up trying to escalate your relationship into something more, and you have to keep in mind that he has a longterm partner.

No. 179501

What if he will use the power imbalance against you? I dont think its smart to do it.

No. 179538

How do I get over a fear of needles? I need a root canal and my insurance doesn’t cover sedation so I have to get a shot in my gums

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