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You have no idea what to do about that thing? Ask for advice here!
Previous thread: >>>/g/147310
I am debating whether or not I should reach out to a former friend for reconcilliation after a falling out. We had been friends for 15 years prior and at times it was not the healthiest dynamic but we had some good times.
The final fight honestly wasn't even over something major but had been building up for some time due to incidents in the past. We both had fault and we cut each other off. It's since been a year and a half since we last spoke. The friend made an passive aggressive attempt to "talk" through a third party last year which I chose to ignore. If we are to talk, it will be an honest conversation and not through some manipulative mind game.
After therapy and introspection, I've grown and healed from a lot of my past and am considering extending an olive branch out to said friend to see if we can reconnect. Though I'm not sure if this is a good idea, that maybe I'm just doing this because I miss the good times without considering the bad. I would like a healthy friendship with them if they are open but I do not want to get dragged into the same toxic
dynamic we had before.
I don't know if they did, which is why I wanted to test the waters. If I'd have to guess, I'd say they may have changed a little but I'm not sure if it's enough to rebuild a sincere friendship on.
I mainly miss having someone who was able to understand and express that side of my personality. Is that naive or selfish of me?
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Anons, I need advice. I felt invisible all my life despite not being below average and not being overweight, going to college, to parties etc. Only a few friends and guys would always see me as just a friend/acquaintance. I went to therapy for unrelated and pretty hard stuff, discovered that it is most likely all related to my abusive family and zero self esteem, and my therapist suggested that when someone has no confidence, it can manifest in little things like how you behave, walk, talk, move, look at people, even how you chat online, and is really unattractive/prevents chemistry from happening when someone finds you physically attractive and gets along with you. Ever experienced this? Ever seen someone who just had a drab unattractive vive (for lack of a better word)? I am working on myself but this is a very new concept to me (tbh I used to have a really warped perception of how people interact and used to, like, think it was extremely bad luck or a curse) and I just want to talk to someone about this.
Therapists say the weirdest vaguest shit to their clients. They tell you you might be demonstrating off putting behaviours but don't have the aptitude to explain to you specifically what you're doing wrong or how to fix it. I hate therapy. I had a mental therapist that was suppose to sort my issues with my step mother out and she refused to tell me what it was that I did to my step mum that caused her so much anguish. Said it would go against ethics. Meanwhile she was mates with the ex of my now ex and telling her directly about our sessions. I found out because she had dm'd my bf at the time and told him about it lol.
Sorry for the unrelated rant but therapists that don't actually give you personalised tangible advice are incompetent or at worst a spastic.
to get people to notice you more you have to be more social and take up space in social settings. Maybe you're therapist could try to actually help you with your social anxiety
Damn, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, that sucks.
I think that my therapist was on point though. Some behaviours she pointed out (nervous twitches, not maintaining eye contact etc) were confirmed by friends when I asked them if they noticed. I never thought that non verbal stuff is so important though which is why I'm curious to hear any experiences being on either side of this.
Yes, I know what you/your therapist is talking about. This may be harsh to hear but in my experience with people who have low self esteem, they wear it on their body and in their mannerisms. It comes off… meek? for lack of a better word.
When I interact with people like this, they give off a very anxious, self pitying vibe. Like they are uncomfortable in their own body and they are very worried others won't like them or they desperately want others to like them. Alot of it is expressed in body language and non verbal like you said.
This can be a very uncomfortable energy to be around because that emotions are contagious when you are in close emotional proximity (ex. relationships, friendships).
Also it's like, hey if this person doesn't even like themselves then why should /I/ like them? If this person doesn't think they have anything of value to offer, then maybe they don't.
People are drawn to confidence and self assuredness, almost to a fault (that's why psychopaths seem to do so well). Not recommending you become a psychopath, but just continue working on yourself. Eventually, you may look in the mirror and be happy/proud of the person you see. That kind of self confidence shines from within and will literally draw others to you.
Thank you! This is harsh, and this is exactly what I'm looking for. When you're growing up with shitty self-esteem, sometimes it is near impossible (at least it was for me) to put a finger on how it manifests to others. I used to obsess over my bad luck and would hate myself for seemingly putting the same effort as others and not getting the results. Now I believe I didn't put the same effort due to what you just described, but never realized it and was stuck in perpetual self hatred. Probably explains why a bunch of close guy friends maintained that they never got that romantic vibe when we met, and it never developed later.
This is so shitty to realize and I'm feeling like a whole chunk of my life was stolen from me, but hey, if I did unproductive things and got bad results then maybe if I do the opposite it will get better. Thanks again, anon.
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Hi anons, what do you look for in a therapist? I've spent some time in the mental health circus before, but most "treatment" has made things worse because I couldn't build trust or connect with the doctors/counsellors. I know that I won't get anywhere unless I find the right person. Mostly I'm wondering how you know when you've found a good therapist, what sorts of things I should look for, any red flags to be aware of. All advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance.
If it helps, for some background I have a traumatic history, probably an undiagnosed personality disorder (cluster C???), and I'm the self-aware/intrinsic type who already reflects on my feelings and actions more than most.
I look for someone who works with me to figure me out. I find it helpful to look at my issues clinically, in a CBT-like setting. In my experience with this type of therapy, trust or getting to know the therapist isn't required so that makes it easier.
I used to like therapists that let me unload or rant or cry about my past to them, but honestly while that feels good it isn't very productive. I never got better. The best therapist I had did not let me get sidetracked or divert the conversation (which was a huge habit at the time, stemming from my grief and depression). I remember I started crying at one point, he handed me a tissue and said a few comforting things and then straight up delved into drawing a chart on the board with terms and definitions of how my thoughts came to that point. It was fantastic. I stopped crying pretty fast.
This is anon who asked about nonverbal clues earlier. I'm hearing that unfortunately, it's often a matter of trying until you click with the therapist, but I'll share some things from my limited experience (tried a couple of different therapists until I found the one I like) and also from what my friends have been telling me from their own experience. I feel like a lot of these can go unnoticed during your first session so I apologize if this doesn't help you much.
I would consider these red flags:
- actively slapping a label on your behavior/issues. One of the docs I went to would straight out put a label on my behavior and explain it to me, basically taking the lead. My current one asks questions and gives me space to figure out some things by myself, guiding me into the process. She doesn't jump to conclusions and instead helps me explore my trauma and connect the dots. Of course, she explains how these things work, it's just that she doesn't slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.
- not explaining how therapy works. Not discussing what to do in the days between your sessions. With my first two docs, I would go in, vent, listen to them and that was it for a week. Rinse, repeat. I was frustrated and felt like it was not working. My current one (she's a CBT therapist) explained how therapy works, why it is important to constantly pay attention to negative thought-feeling-action patterns and how the brain is slowly changing when you do this. Depending on stuff we talked about on a given day, she will suggest a psych book to read or some CBT exercises. When I had a really awful week, the task was just to try and help myself in small ways. Breathe, remind myself I'm there for me, try to sustain a healthy schedule.
- telling you that there must be a certain way to live and that you're wrong if you choose not to. My friend's therapist was extremely judgy and the friend in question would often have crying fits because she felt ashamed of her own needs.
- as the other poster said, not explaining you the grand scheme of how long your issues could take. They sure should be able to give you some direction and explain how this particular problem is generally solved. Although you can go in for feeling awkward with small talk at parties and unearth some global stuff like childhood issues lol.
- promising you 100% success if you just do this thing they'll tell you to. The goal should be to give you tools and knowledge so that you can go through this life, not to fix you with this one weird trick.
- not doing anything when you vent again and again without a resolution. They should gently point you towards constructive ways to get out of the loop. Might be CBT type writing down your emotions, thoughts, and actions and finding the pattern there.
Sorry for the long rant, hope this helps a little.
yup. and tone related stuff. low self-esteem gives you a quiet anger you carry yourself with… it's not nice to interact with people like that. the perpetual victim
type are particularily easy to spot on.
this will be harsh to hear: low self steem people who have no inner validation circuits and no individual principles (following the crowd) act as if the people around them owe them perpetual validation, and sometimes they expect that out of you in a very subconscious level; like i said, the quiet anger is really unpleasant to experience. I say this as someone that has worked out self esteem issues and has done that to people (unconsciously). One day I realized how angry I was, and how I considered people around me to be responsible about my life, about the way I think of myself, etc, and I realized how it impacted my relationships and how unfair of me it was to demand all this now that I'm an adult.
The responsability is liberating. With clarity of mind you can be the person you always wanted to be.
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Anons, how do I stop being a covert narcissist?
I recently reflected on my relationships (romantic, friendship, family, etc) and I recognized that I recreate the same pattern in all of them: I victimize myself, shift the responsibility to other people and expect others to take care of me and my problems. I also have difficult with empathy - I often forget to take into account how my actions might have affected others and when I'm in a low mood I feel like I'm literally the most unfortunate person in the world and it is hard for me to focus on others. People have also expressed that they are afraid to share things with me because they know that I have an inferiority complex with a tendency to compare myself to others and if I learned that for example, my friend just bought a car (which I don't have) then I would feel bad. I was really surprised by this notion btw and I would never want anyone to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Another reason I think I'm a covert narc is that my mother is a narcissist and it makes sense that we share characteristics
Just turned 20 a bit ago and im still stuck at home. I do plan on living here for a bit as I live in a major city so housing is crazy expensive, however, my parents control pretty much every aspect of my life due to Covid. Theyre pretty chill usually and pre-Covid let me do what I wanted, but now they're so paranoid and legit wont let me leave the house. I cant even go to school because everything is online. They're even iffy about the vaccine and don't know if I should get it.
I know a lot of people have it worse, and sorry if this is better suited for the venting thread, but I cant do this for another year. I'm praying I can go on campus next semester. What can I do to remain sane?
If your mother is a narcissist as you say, then you likely have a lot of baggage leftover from childhood trauma. You won't heal until you process and move on from all of that. Als, judging from the behaviours you described, it also sounds like you have trouble expressing your feelings to others and communicating your wants/needs. What you're lacking are coping mechanisms and a healthy self-image. I suggest looking into conflict resolution strategies and ways to build your self-esteem. Above all, I recommend you don't get too attached to the narc label or fixate too much on a diagnosis. When I self-identified as a narc, I tended overlook or misinterpret a lot of my behavioural patterns. Nowadays, to avoid that I focus on specific issues and approach them as if I were anybody else, not a narcissist
with a problem.
Maybe you should spend more time with other people, a few years ago I was also very bothered with the question of what kind of person I am and who I want to become, and I realized it thinking about it is worthless, actions are what is important. And if you are wondering what sort of person you are, if you hang out with people, they will comment on what makes you interesting, at least my friends do. There is something interesting about everyone, you just don't know it because it's normal to you; nobody is boring.
I know it's easy to say "just hang out with people", so if you can't just be assured from my words that you are interesting
Please buy the air filter. Your physical health comes first, always. This isn't a frivolous purchase for entertainment or a collection or something, but for the care and keeping of your life and self. Plus, how will you perform well at your job if you struggle to breathe every day? Please hang in there, Anon.
Also if you have any friends or family who can help you clean, I urge you to ask for their assistance even if you feel guilty or embarrassed. Nobody wants you to live in filth, so I'm sure they'll be happy to. When I'm too depressed to clean, it can feel too overwhelming to start without someone else.
Identify what behaviors you don't like and seek counseling if you can't hold yourself accountable to change them. If you don't think you have shitty behaviors and just want to change your identity, then just do the things you want to do. You don't have to Heather Explains your lifestyle choices to anyone.>>176946
Most employers in the arts don't give a shit what your undergrad is for. In your free time, work on developing a portfolio and connecting with people in the field you want to be in. Take it from a retard with a degree in the arts. You might not become an art historian or whatever but you can land a job in the arts with any irrelevant degree if you have a decent portfolio and connections. Also keep in mind that you might hate working in the arts despite enjoying art, in which case you'll be glad you have an "impressive" degree to fall back on rather than an art degree.
Thank you for taking the time to read my bs anons.
I'm from eastern europe kek escaping it is my #1 priority but as I said I just have no money right now. I'd like to have at least enough money to pay a couple months worth of rent before fucking off somewhere. Covid fucked me over hard and I've been job searching forever with no luck. Most places don't want to hire students because they can't abuse us like regular workers.
Ayrt, consider working in the art industry rather than in a creative role. As >>176955
pointed out you'll have better luck in a bigger city if you can save up to move somewhere where there are more job opportunities in that industry. I'm having a brain fart trying to come up with role examples but you could work in support of creatives doing something better suited to the math or science or whatever skills you practiced in school. Then study your passions in your free time and make some connections in the industry through that job that could help you find a role that is more relevant to your interests. Even if you're not in a creative role they still tend to not be too picky about the details of your degree. Imo the whole having passion about your work thing is kind of a meme because work will always feel like work even if you like doing that thing in your free time, but I get that you don't want to feel stuck doing something that you totally hate. Aim for the industry rather than the exact role you want and remember that the first job you get isn't the role you'll be doing forever. Good luck anon I know it can be very stressful but definitely not worth roping over.
Taking responsibility has helped me a lot. Like, if you fuck up fix it and admit you're wrong, if you really are the victim
stand up for yourself and actually do something instead of sitting around and whining.
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I’m just self aware enough to know I act extremely autistic but not enough to stop, especially if I’m in the flow of things while socializing.
Even worse I realize I said something incredibly cringe only like 3 minutes after and I have to resist the urge to sit and quietly disassociate while I’m out having a good time, how the fuck do I converse naturally without blurting out the first thing that comes to mind so often?
You'll have to stop using all the addicting stuff that gives you that instant gratification (social media, forums, food, porn, whatever it is) and replace those habits for others that require your attention (reading, doing exercise, housechores, a creative activity, etc)
You'll suck at first and won't be able to do it for more than 5 minutes. You'll have to put into work for weeks but if you keep going, you'll break those cycles. You'll get better with practice, just like everything
There are thousands of youtube videos about it, watch (a few) on the topics of building habits, instant gratification, dopamine detox, pain and pleasure principle, etc
Hard to say without knowing more details. Sounds like asking directly to them what you could do for them and what they need from you is a good start! If you say you can't relate based on your differences, then don't assume/try to guess, just ask and then actually do it (if it's a reasonable request of course). Let them know you're there for them and that you care.
You could probably start by googling things like "what not to say to people who are going through <specific problem of your friend>", and watch videos of people telling their stories going through those same problems your friend is going through, so you can grow some instinct+empathy.
Be there for them and listen to them, let them vent, let them cry on your shoulder, let them know they can come to you if they need a chat. There's not much else usually, but it helps more than you know.
I've been in that position before and pointless platitudes just pissed me off because I knew the person I was talking to was privileged and sheltered and didn't really know what kind of things I had to deal with. It's not their fault, but it was still frustrating.
It wasn't until years later that I met someone who was insanely privileged but acknowledged it and told me that they can't possibly relate but they will hear me out anyway because they care. And that kind of honesty was a lot more helpful than a chorus of I'm so sowwy/I know how it feels/Just hang in there/You can do it.
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I vented about this in an another thread a while ago. I have this problem of avoidance when it comes to social interactions. I have always had social anxiety and it doesn't matter how much I enjoy someone's company, meeting them, texting them and/or talking to them to me is an anxiety inducing task for me. Also, I guess because of a mixture of mistrust and low self-esteem, if someone is not constantly affirming that they like me and we are friends, I tend to get doubtful of their affection and assume that they hang out with me out of pity. So all of my friendships and relationships consist of the same pattern: we hang out, everything's good, then the mistrust kicks in and I withdraw and isolate myself, then friends reach out to me (usually) and the whole cycle starts again. So my last and only friend got fed up with this pattern especially since I have been in therapy for a long time and she made me promise that I wouldn't disappear again and then I did it again nevertheless. Avoidance is a legit addiction to me. She was like, okay, this was the last time. She deleted all of our messages and we haven't spoken ever since.
Even though I'm pretty sure this was really the last time and she's never going to want to do anything with me, I'm thinking about writing a letter to her, to provide closure, I'm just not sure what to write in it without repeating myself. I already explained to her that this was like an addiction. I already said I was sorry. I guess I would just want to thank her the memories we made together and sorry for the pain I caused…? Idk
Samefag. Sidenote: I think one of the main sources of her confusion is that in her mind, there is a direct correlation between thought and action. She simply thinks that if my friends are important, I do these and these actions for them. In my mind, nothing is ever as simple as that. I proctrastinate the things I want
to do and avoid the people I want
to be with all the time. There is no correlation between desires and action. I wish my mind was as straightforward as hers
I'm gonna do that, thank you!>>177465
That's a really…kind way of looking at the whole thing. I always assumed that clearly I was the one who was at fault. Thank you
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Please help me decide between two plushes.
The on the left is a palamute plush (55cm) from the video game series Monster Hunter which I have played Monster Hunter Stories on the 3ds and enjoyed it. I also played Monster Hunter: World a bit on PC before quitting since my graphics card is crap and I plan on playing it one day AND the newest MH game on the switch. The thing that I like about it is that his eyes are closed like he's sleeping and the fact that it would be comfortable to rest my arms on, cuddle and lying against it. However since it is a limited item it going to cost about 245.64 gbp.
On the right is a Moomintroll his name is cuter in my native langauge plush (40cm) from the Moomin book/cartoon series. I watched the cartoons a lot as a child and I have nearly finished reading all the written stories by Tove as the stories got republished again in my country. I like that he is laying on his stomach and the fact he looks like his book counterpart and the fact that he is signifyingly cheaper then the palamute plush, totalling about 31,81 gbp.
However I don't know whether or not should buy one of them or neither since I already have a green plush (35cm~) of no significance that suits my needs aside not being able to rest my elbows over it.
Should I spend my money on new plush or should I save my money?
No I'm including the shipping fee and customs fee from country altough I'm not sure if it calculated it correctly since I categories it as a toy and not as a plush Idon't know if there is a diffrence
£181.20 witouht shipping or customs
I would go for the moomin because I've seen them before and they're cuter (more round), but you're a different person.
Maybe try flipping a coin and when it's in the air you'll know which side you're hoping it lands on.
Could anyone advise me on what to do? My boyfriend cheated on me but I can't afford rent on my own, my city is very expensive. My parents kicked me out. I'm working and trying to go to uni but its all online now and after paying my half of the rent/groceries/utilities I barely have anything. I feel so lonely, I was making friends before covid but its been all remote since. I can't stand living with my boyfriend, he is very messy, bad hygiene, expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning, insults me… I have no safety net, no friends, no family, I feel really alone, I want to live in my own place but it's not possible.
you're very right. what i mean is that if they are alone in the sense of not being able to rely on anyone entirely then they are personally at fault for that. people who move away still have their roots.
my statements still stand - anon needs to humble themselves and tap into their resources. if they have no resources to tap into then they need to do a lot of self-work on top of everything else.
That sounds bad. Do you have absolutely noone you could get in contact with? I'm seconding what this >>177528
anon said. Start looking at ads were they are looking for roommates
Why are you being so insensitive? That anon seems to be trapped in an abusive
relationship and likely grew up in an unstable home. Plus if she's working and studying online, when would she have the time to make or maintain friendships? When you consider all these factors, it's not unexpected that she would become so isolated. How can you say this is all her fault without even knowing her personality? You are the one who ought to humble themself. Also, stop putting so many linebreaks and learn to integrate.
>>177544 >you've got a lot of work to do
Nta but damn that's so vague it's not even advice. You're being so overly judgemental, jumping to some odd conlusions about them and then that's the advice part of your post?? So helpful >my statements still stand - anon needs to humble themselves
For the love of god anon don't offer people advice when you clearly have worse issues yourself.
>>177562>learn to integrate>doesnt understand that line breaks on mobile happen.
What I'm saying is anon likely has resources. If they were truly isolated (and no that doesn't happen with just moving about) then they likely deserve it. If you're feeling alone anon, understand that it may be mental and you probably have more resources available than you think. It's ok to ask for help . If you are in a position to not ask for help from anyone, that's kinda weird and pretty sus.
But you're right, I'm pretty hostile with no actual solutions for anon. If things are truly as they are then anon needs to shuffle about their finances. I'm also living in an expensive area and the only way you can go it alone is understanding and accepting that your entire income will go to rent and necessities for the time. Anon should utilize padmappers, craigslist, and facebook roomshare groups local to their area to get an idea of room costs/ who is looking. Do you qualify for EDD (reduced hours still qualify you) or SNAP? Are there food distribution services available? Cover the essentials and commit to squirreling away any extra cash. Godspeed.
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I've been in a similar situation. Just stop cooking and cleaning for him. He is his own man now and you should get into the mindset of being roommates until you get outta there. You're not his girlfriend and certainly not his maid. Buy your own groceries. JUST your groceries, not his. Get out of the house and hang out at libraries, parks, discount movie nights, etc, maybe even volunteer for things and make friends. This should also lower your utilities.
Unfortunately uni might have to wait, but it's not like they're going anywhere. They're not going to uproot the campus and walk away lol. You're going to be fine, anon. Hugs>>177572
Have you tried cutting out dairy? I don't have experience with eczema and I might be talking out of my ass but I always hear that dairy causes a lot of skin problems. I always feel like my skin does better when I don't eat dairy too (but I always end up reintroducing it to my diet because fuck yeah cream and cheese)
Bulimicfag here, it sounds unhelpful but your doctor is right. Just eat what you can. Our bodies are amazingly resilient so let it recover and soon it'll remember that food is okay. You're not going to wither away from eating yoghurt and fruit (which are very nutritious) for a week.
You reminded me of last summer when I went on a purge frenzy. After a few days I start painfully burping for no reason and I didn't really hold down much food. But I stopped purging for a few days and everything was back to normal. Unfortunately I used that as an excuse to keep purging..
This. Foods have a big impact on skin conditions. I personally cannot have peanut butter, high iodine foods (nori for example), dairy, etc because i break out in welts or cystic acne. I never took food intake seriously because it seems so trivial but it's absolutely imperative that you figure out what you're "allergic" to.
And it sounds stupid af but … celery juice. My best girlfriend developed eczema around her eyes after her pregnancy and she swears by celery juice. Have it in the morning with a splash of lemon, maybe carrot for a little sweet. Stick with it for 3 weeks and see if helps you out.
I know you love her and want to support her but there is no way this situation is good for you.
The bottom line is, you set those rules for a reason and she agreed to them. On top of this, she then was deeply unkind by manipulating and lying to you. You already know she has to go. If you let her stay, you're choosing to betray yourself. It's true she needs adult guidance, but she needs to seek it out, and there's not a lot you can do about that.
Have somebody else there when you make her leave, if you're disabled and she's as underhanded as she seems to be, she may go as far as to rob you or refuse to leave. Hope it goes smoothly for you
Identify whatever it is you get out of LC and replace it with a better alternative.
Or download Cold Turkey, you can completely lock yourself out of lolcow with that software.
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Farmers please tell me how’d you’d feel in my situation. Is it weird to feel like I want something to myself for once? As in, I have a friend who seems to eventually take interest in all of my interests sooner or later. I love this friend immensely. She's one of my best friend’s and I don’t think it’s anything to stop being friends over, but I just get this feeling of “damn can’t I have this to myself for once.” Example, I like writing and when I expressed that to my friend they began writing too, and then would call me when they wrote a passage. I like reading and so they asked to borrow my books and then wanted to talk to me about the books and start a book club. I recently started drawing and expressed how I wanted to eventually get an iPad pro as digital art looks fun, and then they talked of how they want to get an iPad so they can start drawing again too. I expressed how skating always looked fun and would like to get into it, today I saw they got a skateboard and started skating. I feel like the tipping point for me was how I’ve expressed how I would like to begin streaming for video games and then they later talked to me about how they’d like to stream. At first she talked about wanting to do a “study with me” type stream which sure, that seems up their alley, but then they expressed how they would like to go into gaming as well, as who’s to say they couldn’t. Which yeah that’s true, who’s to say she can’t do what she wants. It’s just that this one really irked me as they have quite literally never expressed interest in video games. Like I said I don’t feel like it’s something to stop being friends over, but I don’t know if I'm in gatekeeper mode and being a bitch or if it’s fair to just want something to myself for once. Maybe she just wants to connect with me and relate with me over my hobbies, so idk if I’m weird for being irked.
ngl you sound quite young, also I've been through this sort of situation a few times before. You two wont be friends forever. She will figure out who she is eventually and leave you for it.
Do what you want, while you can, and just keep your mouth shut about it lmfao how is this not the most obvious solution to your problem?
I feel you anon, I’m an extremely sentimental person too but trying to fight it. >>178545
is really good advice; when I first heard of that idea I did think it was stupid until recently when I was looking through childhood photos with lost sentimental items in the background. It occurred to me that I felt so much better having these photos compared to keeping all those possessions. The stress wasn’t there: I didn’t have to worry about cleaning the item, keeping it safe, who I might upset if I chose to give it away. No stress about losing it - sure, I might lose the photo but that’s less likely and I wouldn’t care as much as some distance had already been created. All that was left was the joy (I don’t gel with Marie Kondo either but that’s the correct word) of admiring the item and reminiscing. You could even make videos.
You could also work on your whole mindset about stuff. It doesn’t define you - even without those CDs you still have the memories of the fun concerts. Maybe you’re more of a visual person (so the photos will help), but working on how you relate to objects will still be beneficial.
There’s videos about minimalism and sentimental items on YouTube that might help. Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki is a book that I would recommend over Marie Kondo. He’s a super minimalist with four shirts and a bunch of Apple products type guy, the type I usually hate, but his book is different. It’s full of practical advice as well as thoughts on materialism and culture. Thought provoking, doesn’t come across as a lecture, and written by someone who used to be a maximalist. I refer back to it a lot.
I hope you’re able to figure it out.
I had a wedding years ago with just the two sets of parents at it, similarly I had no friends, wasn't close enough to my extended fam to really be setting up a whole wedding ceremony. We had a registry office weddding and in that setting it wasn't treated as anything unusual.
Are you thinking church wedding though? And is he having many attend?
In retrospect I really wasn't late losing my virginity but when I was 19 I felt like I was. I spent my teens totally housebound with agoraphobia and when I made some progress and started going out again at 19 I was in a rush to get my virginity 'out of the way' I'd used toys already but was stupidly hung up on the idea of being 'behind schedule' to lose it. I was behind in alot of ways but focused in on that for some odd reason. Weird priorities.
I threw it to the first guy and it wasn't that deep for him but I (silently) obsessed over him because of the emotional attachment it gave me. I was in over my head and not prepared for how it emotionally affected me. I felt ridiculously heartbroken over a guy I knew was never going to be a keeper anyway. As a now 30-something I look back and I would honestly take back my first few YEARS of sexual expereinces if I could. When you're older you most likley won't look back and worry about some schedule that virginity has to meet. If anything you're more likely to look back and wish you'd been fussier about who you gave it to though. That's more often how people look back on it.
I was also 19 like the other anon when I lost it. When I entered uni I was just like "I need to be like an adult now" and started a relationship online with a guy working abroad, then it turned into a real relationship when he returned. I jumped into bed with him almost instantly because I wanted to lose my virginity. It was absolutely awful, our whole sex life was, because he was terrible and selfish in bed. There's nothing "freeing" about being on the "other side" (which in itself is a false concept). There is zero merit to losing your virginity with someone who doesn't care about you deeply.
Also online relationships are not even actual relationships in my eyes, not to offend, unless you have actual goals of living together/closeby in the future. If you're using each other as emotional crutches and it doesn't take out more out of your life then it gives you, then I don't see why you'd end it right now. I mean it's not too romantic, but people cope in different ways, especially in these socially separated times.
OK, so I am gender critical/ anti trans myself and here is my advice:
If he knows about your views and doesn't call you a nazi and doesn't wish you death, he is much more mature and emotionally intelligent than 90% of all the troons living in the West. Yes, he might be lost, confused and indoctrinated into the trans cult, but maybe that is what he genuinely thinks is good for him and that is his situation. Even if he is hurting himself and hurting women, it is not wrong for you to be his friend. You don't have to cut him of if you value your friendship even if he doesn't listen to you. He is doing his stupid thing right now, but he is still a valuable human and it's always good to keep the dialogue going on instead of just cutting him of and letting him be completely lose himself in the troon echo chambers
I've been in a similar situation. Knew a guy in my industry, he was really succesful and talented no doubt, could teach me a lot, but was extremely flirty even though I made it clear I wasn't interested. I turned down the offer of a working relationship. Honestly even if he never directly tried anything, the incessant flirting and having to constantly reiterate my boundaries was exhausting. I hate the thought of catering to and entertaining men's desire to fuck me for the sake of a personal goal. This isn't the 19th century anymore where we must
rely on feminine wiles and dangling sex like bait to get somewhere in life. I was later able to study under another guy (married with kids, respectable, never made any passes) and learned even more than I would've with the first, so it worked out. If it was a one and done thing where you got something out of this scrote and never had to see him again that might be fine, but presumably you'd want to use his name/reputation for clout to build your own brand. Just think how wrong that would go for you if he decided to withdraw his support and tarnish your image because you turned him down after you put all the time and energy into studying under him. And don't diminish the mental toll of having to constantly fend him off.
Oh fuck anon, I'm so sorry you're stuck with him. Been there also. You say you dont have anywhere to go but does he? Maybe he has a friend he could live with until the end of the month? Surely he can't be degenerate enough to not know he's the one who fucked up and owes you something - this something could be giving you space until you move out, since it's soon anyway.
I promise it will get easier once you stop seeing him on a daily basis. Not immediately but noticeably, and will get better every day. Hopefully you'll meet someone new to distract you too. Fingers crossed for you.
please please PLEASE tell me it does get easier?? Last time I went through a break up like this it took me over 3 years to get 'over' him.
I feel disgusted even thinking about other guys right now. My dumb ass wants him
As for friends… lol all his friends ditched him two years ago (totally unrelated to him being an asshole but I digress). We're kinda both alone on that part.
It does, I feel you so much though. You'll probably be tempted to stay in touch with him since like you've said you don't have any other friends nearby but you know the drill, block him everywhere, don't look up what he's up to, cease all contact, otherwise it will drag on forever. Do you have any low effort hobby or guilty pleasure movies / tv shows? These things work wonders on keeping your mind distracted and occupied and it will help you a lot in the beginning when you need it. But since he will be out of your life you won't need it for too long for sure. Finding someone better than him is such a low bar you'll definitely manage to do it, but first and foremost you'll see you don't need him to be happy, it's the opposite. Also it tends to be easier and faster to move on the older you are, you've been through a similar thing, took your mind 3 years to find a way but it did, and it's in your subconsciousness already, the process will be much smoother this time, even if in the beginning it hurts so much it feels impossible so stay hopeful
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How do you cope with losing your last friend?
They ended up ghosting me, probably because they're legit busy but I saw it coming the second they were in a relationship. The gf seems really insecure and was pretty aggressive towards me despite doing my best to be polite. I don't feel like fighting eith someone over this because it doesn't feel like it's my fight or decision to make.
However now I'm alone. My only "family" were they and my father, but my father died last year. I'm stuck at home with my verbally and emotionally abusive mother and brother. Can't move out without a better job, can't get a better job without an education, can't even get a better education because again money. I can't even afford a car because I'm paying bills, food, stuff for home, pets etc and my emergency fund just wouldn't cover anything.
I'm fine with being lonely, have been prettt much my entire life but never to this extreme. I work alone in an office for 10 hours then once I'm home it's already laye so all I can do is do some chores, shower, eat, go to bed then repeat the whole thing from 4am. I also try not to talk too much to my current family because I just end up getting insulted.
I tried going out, messeging people, hanging out, going to events, hobbies etc etc etc but eh… nothing ever lasts for more than a month, if that. It seems like everyone is already paired up or in a group so no one wants an autist like me to hang around. Idk really.
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every time I drink I get really bad paranoia the next day, even if I've only had a few glasses of wine. I think this stems from me making a lot of drunken bad decisions that got me into trouble during a 6-month long mental health crisis/bender. I want to stop myself from feeling petrified that I've done something unsavoury/embarrassing but I don't want to be the only one not drinking because I can be quite socially anxious and stiff. is there any way to still drink socially without driving myself mad the next morning thinking that everyone who saw me tipsy now hates me?
anon I was like you like 5 years ago. I only had online friends my entire life and it was impossible to make friends where I lived (everyone here is very cliquey no matter what you do). But what helped me was finding a job with cool people and hanging out with them. It lead to me finding friends of theirs, and eventually became friends of friends. It's tough when you're older and everyone has their own little circles but it's not impossible. Just keep trying to hang out with them and if they keep being 'busy' just move on.
You also have to remember not all friendships are meant to last long. Some really do just last that year, some shorter, some longer. It doesn't mean they dislike you, it's just how it goes. No one's living their life thinking 'UGH ANON, I don't wanna hang out with them theyre so annoying', they're just self involved with their own issues, loneliness, drama, etc. Good luck <3
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Saged, cuz I browse /snow/pt too much.
Dear anons I need an advice. I thought I was too stupid, got an IT engineering degree, thought i was too fat, lost 40 kg (about 80 lbs for amerifags), broke engagement with an alcoholic ex, got a well paid job in my specialty, got a FBW (dont ask, i just need some action sometimes and its just physical between us), but nothing helps raising my self esteem. Both external and internal, I just don't feel confident at all.
So, dear /g/ anons, how does one start loving themselves as they are and become confident with at least of crumb of self esteem?
everyone's different but for a lot of people their self esteem is based on their sense of 'progression' in life. That could mean anything from those proverbial goal posts we all have for ourselves (reaching a certain weight, or making a certain salary) or based on how at peace we are with the current moment/life.
It sounds like for you, you thought that reaching certain goals would help you get confidence but once you reached them it didn't change anything (or it did but not enough that you could notice yourself). You need to ask yourself is those goals are ones you set yourself, or ones 'society' persay told you would make you happy. I used to think the same way, until I realized that making a certain salary, having the body type I wanted etc, meant nothing because I was miserable and comparing my misery to everyone around me who was so much happier. It made me have 0 self worth and self confidence. I couldn't understand why I hated myself so much. The reason was because those goals weren't ones I 'set' myself. They were ones everyone expected of me. I had to have some major introspection and realized I had completely different goal I've always wanted to do. As I slowly chipped them away, I slowly gained confidence.
would you allow someone you care about to get treated like this? If not you should tell yourself the same things that you would if it was another person going through what you are
Time is something you'll never get back so don't waste it on trash who can't bother to show some basic decency
What exactly reminds you of a negative experience from the past? Is it something you'd categorize as rational or irrational? For example, rational would be: bad person from the past used to make occasional offhand sexist remarks, and this person does it too. Irrational: bad person used to listen to rock music and this person does that too.
It's natural to want to protect yourself, but past experiences sometimes can make that need go far overboard out of fear. Gut feeling is important, but past traumas can mess it up. Maybe if you give more details more people would be able to see something familiar and advise you better.
Get to the root of your issues. To have a chronic, self destructive habit, you've likely been traumatised in some way. You need to deal with that before anything else. When did you start pulling your hair? What major life events were happening at the time? What was your childhood like? Did you learn any healthy coping skills back then?
you to do it? What do you feel as you do it and when you're done? What are you gaining from it and what is it holding you back from? Is making yourself "ugly" actually purposeful so you have an excuse to isolate yourself and deny yourself opportunities?
Bad habits like overeating, skin picking, and hair pulling disappear as you work through your trauma. You will never fix your hair or your self image until you dig all the way deep and get to the really painful stuff. There's a reason you treat yourself so horribly, and whatever that reason may be, it's not your fault. I hope that with time and effort and patience that you learn to be kinder to yourself Nonita.
t. recovering dermatillomaniac
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I had a tooth pulled yesterday and reading online it's normal to have pain in the extraction site for days afterwards. for me though, I've had absolutely no pain and not needed any pain meds. is this normal, does anyone know? is no pain a bad sign? I've googled but not really found any information on this.
I didn't want to bump the teeth thread so I thought I'd ask here.
Hey anon, I'm currently living in the exact situation as you and I did some research around this area after a particularly bad incident with my mom. The core of your issue is that you connect your sense of self with your mother's approval. You yearn to earn the love you felt you are suppose to have (but you will never have), so when your mother fails to give you that you return back to the point where your trauma began. The cure for this is to dissociate yourself with a version of yourself that is palatable your mother's tastes. Keep your true self hidden away until you can escape from your mother.
Also, understand what exactly causes you break down like that you can mentally train yourself to keep it together and process that pain.
Hello anon, thank you for your response. Personally, I would describe it purely as re-experiencing what I endured as a child. Freezing and shutting down is all I ever learned when confronted by her behaviour.
The advice you gave me is unfortunately what all adults have told me my entire life and what I loyally followed as a result. The issue is that my mother is unpredictable, inconsistent, hypocritical and illogical. There is nothing one can do to ensure she will not become angered and attack. The only thing I can imagine is to carry every burden imaginable and cease to be an individual. This is what I strove towards throughout childhood, which severely harmed me, with consequences I still suffer from today.
I already accepted that I will never receive motherly love and healthy treatment from her, I just need to know how to deal with it whenever she does do something upsetting, so that I don't freeze and dissociate. I am under so much stress and in such confrontational settings lately that the dissociation and following breakdowns occur multiple times a day. I don't bother anyone with it in real life, please do not worry! But it is urgent, hence my lengthy response. I am sorry if my text sounds very cold and dismissive. My aim is solely to be clear and forward, so I might seem disinterested. In reality, your message means a lot to me and I am grateful for your willingness to help.
What information could I give in return for more specific advice? I can't go on like this.
Honestly just not living together seems to be the only real solution. Alot of people have these types of dynamics where living with parents as an adult will never be peaceful. You don't have the power to change someone of that age. They're usually set in stone by that point.
Moving out and having that distance might mean you can keep it civil but as long as you're under her roof you're likely to be living under a similar dynamic to your childhood one. Put your energy into finding a way out.
I had BDD for decades and don't have it anymore. Therapy played a part and would recommend you try to save up for at least few months worth if possible. YMMV but some easy habits that helped me:>When stuck in front of the mirror being shitty to yourself, ask yourself if you would have the same visceral reaction to someone else with the same feature that's bothering you (sometimes it helps to look up pictures, but don't obsess over trying to find your twin or comparing the rest of yourself to randoms, focus on the task at hand). If no (spoiler: it is always no) tell yourself that you're being an unfair bitch, then give yourself a genuine compliment. If it helps, pretend that the person in the mirror is not you, they're your friend and they're having a really hard time and you want to tell them something nice and genuine to make them feel good about themselves. If you literally can't pick a single physical feature even your fingers or eyebrows or whatever, then compliment your personality or achievements or style or whatever you can come up with but be fucking genuine don't lie hoping you'll eventually believe it.>Any time you're feeling good about any of your physical features when looking in the mirror (or frankly any time you're feeling good about yourself in regards to anything), no matter how small or stupid, compliment yourself. Say it out loud if you can. As retarded as it sounds and feels at first, this really does help build self esteem if you keep doing this, and maintaining good self esteem can help you pull yourself out of an episode.>Stop taking selfies until you're in a really good place mentally. If other people take pictures with you, don't look at those pictures until you're in a really good place mentally.>Learn a new skill, read a book, or do some creative expression of some kind. Not only does it serve as a good distraction, but when it comes time to compliment yourself if you can't come up with anything physical you can always default to having learned something or having made time to hone your hobby or skill.>Take care of yourself, exercise, stay on top of your hygiene, keep your home clean and organized. You are more likely to feel better when you and your space are clean and comfortable.
That's a good start anon, I read Codependent No More as well. It was okay, there's a big focus on partners of alcoholics since that was what it was originally developed for but still some good concepts to take away in a general sense. Some other good ones for BPD are The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by McKay and The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Daniel Fox. The latter also has some good YT videos on BPD and the things it requires you to deal with. Attached vid is a good one in case you want to watch some to learn more about yourself. I also think CBT is helpful to build up a better self concept and determine what's important to you. I liked Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques, also by McKay.
Aside from throwing a lot of resources at you, I recommend trying different activities and hobbies. See what you like and you might find that you start enjoying things in the moment and forget about your worries for a while and draw happiness from it. If you can take a couple classes for something (painting, pottery, dance, exercise, rock climbing, cooking, etc) then that's cool, but you can also do free stuff like walking in a park, taking pictures of things, read a book, do a yoga or exercise routine on Youtube. When you feel yourself spiraling try to replace it with something healthier, even if it's as simple as cleaning your room or sitting outside.
I'm not sure if it's depression or not, but I spend most of my time online. No social media, just articles and boards like this one, but I still feel unproductive. My time online is 3-4 1/2 hours a day and the rest of my day is just in-my-head walking around the house. I have never been able to focus worth a shit. I struggled through school despite being decently intelligent with high scores on tests, and I have no hobbies even though I pick up on some things easily. My brain just short circuits. I've read ADHD might be possible, though I don't have most of its symptoms.
I also have absolutely no motivation in life. Everything, and I mean everything, does not shed a single ounce of joy. I've "dopamine detoxed" with limited or no internet, I rarely listen to music to begin with, I eat fairly healthy. I still can't seem to get that spark for anything. I've been in a few dangerous situations, and aside from mildly raised heart-rate, nothing.
Everyone learns differently so you have to find out what the best way to learn is for you specifically. How do you retain the most information? Through reading or listening, maybe taking notes? Whatever works for you, stick to it. Try to study every day for at least 30 minutes. Make it a habit.
Consume media in your target language, try to immerse yourself in it. Make friends with natives.
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Anons, what would you do with the gaming accounts of a loved one who passed away? No credit card info attached.
It's been half a year since my dad passed away and I'm not sure what to do with some of his mmo accounts. I told his clan he passed away but he also has an ESO account with a lot of characters and idk if I should just leave it alone or contact customer support to deactivate/delete it. I'm a bit paranoid someone might hack it due to inactivity or something. But it feels bad to touch them at all
Not sure why other anon decided to pretend like there isn't a wide range of self harm behaviors.
It sounds like you've already made a pretty significant amount of progress in fighting the self-loathing, even if you still have bad days. It can take a really long time to uproot those patterns of thinking and I think it would help fight it even more if you started to consciously acknowledge that progress. Write it down if you need to, leave written reminders to do it if you need to– for feelings that are easy to lose in the heat of the moment, it's good to give them a concrete form that you can push yourself to interact with. It can feel like self-love is supposed to be this huge epiphany, and maybe it is for some people, but just as often I think it's a gradual process of reframing your perspective to focus on the positives by challenging every self-sabotage urge head on and allowing yourself to feel good about doing that. At the same time it's really important to not feed into that self-loathing when you do slip up– acknowledge that you hurt yourself but accept that you can't change what's already happened and that it has no bearing on your ability to keep improving.
Something that might also help, if you think you can handle doing it, would be to type or write out what things drive the self-loathing so you can then write out a rebuttal to it. Fear of change, feeling of inevitable failure, not feeling valuable enough to improve, etc– these are all flawed and self-fulfilling ways of thinking, and they deserve being called out and torn apart so they can't hide behind some broad and overwhelming sense of self-hatred. If you haven't already you should look into CBT worksheets or methods online, they're all about restructuring negative patterns of thinking. Self-compassion, positive affirmations, and mindfulness might be good keywords. Don't give up, anon.
Plan out your studying in blocks. 30mins this section, 30mins that one, a 15min break, etc etc
Put on some “doin’ stuff” music. Go somewhere like to a cafe or a park.
I totally agree with >>183735 about men's attitudes (99% of them will assume you might be romantically interested no matter what you do) and was with her until the "tru femininity" moment. There is no right way to be a woman and you shouldn't have to change your personality to be liked unless you're standoffish and rude, which I doubt. It's understandable you've unintentionally conflated the relationship you had with your mom with other women's attitudes. My best suggestion is to get more involved with women and familiarize yourself with interactions that don't involve the stress of making friends right away, so preferably by finding female-only groups you may enjoy. Look for classes, women's meet ups, book clubs, etc.
You'll start to see the wide array of women out there and notice they're humans just like men (in fact far more so lol) plus you can then turn casual acquaintances into friends. Also, I recommend consuming more women-centric and women-made media. Not to accuse you of any fault, but just by virtue of your upbringing you very likely internalized a bit of an nlog attitude. I know consciously engaging with other women's thoughts and seeing how brilliant and more interesting they were than men helped me when I had primarily been engaged in male-dominated activities growing up.
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Don't give up, anon. I was the same way until I realized I would never connect with men on a deeper level without it getting weird. For a while it felt like I was grieving from the revelation but then I pulled myself into my big girl pants and tried. Women are more than judgmental gossipy bitches, and the more I dive myself into hanging out with women the more I realize men can be just as gossipy and judgmental.
Pursuing relationships with women take time, unlike with men where surface-level friendships are almost instant. Listen
, ask them about their day, empathize with and wish them well on things they're anxious about, follow them on instagram or some other shit, share your interests. After a while, extend invitations during a conversation. Maybe they're complaining about their bras. "Want go bra-shopping with me?" Work is kicking their ass. "Let's go drinking after work."
You'd be surprised how easily you'd gain female friends once you try. As for male friends, you should pull back but don't give up altogether. It's possible to have male friends and you should enjoy that, but remember that no matter what you do you'll eventually get crushed on, and it's important that you then place boundaries ("sorry, I just want to be friends") and stick to your guns even if they drop off the face of the earth.
Female friendships are vastly superior anyway, kek
i also want to squash this feeling of anxiety levels skyrocketing when i hear her around the house which i can only do by prioritizing my feelings and communicating them
Just like the true meaning of masculinity has been subverted to mean patchy soy beards and how many women you have sleep with, the meaning femininity had has also been destroyed. Having a penis is not what makes you a man or masculine, having a vagina does not make you automatically feminine or a woman. Even children and old people have the parts, but old woman are typically not very feminine and young boys are typically not very masculine or imposing.
Here's something interesting to ponder; boys start out somewhat feminine and most times a man's peak masculinity (though not always pure attractiveness) is in his old age. Not giving a fuck and giving a fuck about doing the duty to those you love is the true essence of masculinity. This can also be used to describe the biological side of the inverse Sexual Marketplace Value of men and women.
Girls on the other-hand start out very feminine, unassuming, and unembittered by life. Softness is valued in a woman in nature. This is not a modern standard, but one evident though advanced cultures throughout the West and East for thousands of years. In their old age, most women (like men) become coarse, independent, and no longer signal to men that they need them. Though they are frail and in need of protection, this dampens the natural male instinct to protect and provide for a woman. As stated above, this is an attitude that is most similar to the way some women feel about children and is not conditioned but evolutionarily advantageous and natural for the survival of our species.
To answer your question, being purely feminine is to complement the perfect masculine energy of a perfectly masculine man. The sexes are a Yin and Yang, the Moon and the Sun etc. You need to awaken the natural instincts of men and get in touch with your own while recognizing shills and propaganda for what it is, a tool to prevent this perfect union.
I hope this helps. It really hurts me to see incel-like attitudes from either sex. Trauma can really hurt people for the rest of their lives, the solution is to move on and love one another.
Matthew 7:6 KJV
“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”
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Nah you got it all wrong
Thank you thank you! You're right, just gotta put on the big girl pants. I think it's the time and effort that really gets to me, as I'm a very inconsistent person when it comes to my depression. I think that's one thing that makes me nervous around women– so much more is looked into if that makes sense? There's a lot more attention to detail and inconsistencies don't vibe w that. But thank you for your suggestions, these are really very helpful ! I will try to get into regular contact and try to build from there.
Also, sorry about starting a conversation about femininity and masculinity. I'm not so much awkward and unable to function around women from biases like "they're gossipy" or "emotional" or w/e. It's just something that has always been sort of a discomfort to me which I only just now became aware of as to why. I don't attach too much importance to femininity or masculinity, that shit is a spectrum yadda yadda, just that I've noticed I'm super awkward around women in general. Anyway thanks for the advice!!
you've gotta drop it, there's no way you're going to convince her to do it, she already knows it's irrational, this isn't the kind of thing she can be coaxed or encouraged into
by pushing her on it you're just telling her that you find her response unacceptable and that you're personally annoyed by it. look, it's obviously very unfortunate and she's sabotaging herself and needs help. but constantly reminding her of this failure and that you think she's being retarded is a waste of time
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Anons, I've been taking an extended vacation from work for the sake of reclaiming my time for myself and to do what I want… I've done a few things but the things I've considered most important (researching Amazon FBA, looking into what it takes to launch a business, investing and looking past my crypto fears)…I haven't done. Instead, I keep finding myself mindlessly browsing on my phone, waiting for some stupid scrote to give me the time of day (yes, I know, pathetic), lamenting on past relationships, and just being a lazy sack of shit. I'm not really looking for any specific advice, but someone give me some sort of guidance because I feel lost.
For as long as I've had my anxiety problem, avoidence has been my main cope. So I get where she's coming from to an extent. You learn that you have to pick and choose which things are better to face. This sounds like it needs facing but like you said it's clearly irritational.
At my worst I've still been receptive and appreciative if someone will basically just hold my hand through that stuff. Be present or open stressful letters to break the news to me. Short of offering that you can't do more for her. Those issues are usually deep set. You're of course within your right to pull back from her if she's actually affecting you with this behaviour but seeing as it's her own thing and not some group project it might be best to just let her be on this.
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How do I accept the fact that I will never have what I want? My goals are small but very specific, I know that most people would tell me to focus on the bigger picture but these "small" things (or the lack of them) have a massive impact on my life, at least subjectively.
I'm sorry but how is this advice?>>184136
Because I'm in a really bad situation and what I can do is very limited?
What the fuck is wrong with you
I'm sorry anon, please don't feel guilty. I know being there at the end was likely important for you
, understandably, but your dog didn't know what was going on beyond the fact that a nice vet and whoever else were there fussing over her. If she was being put down then clearly her quality of life was no longer ideal so she's now out of pain, and you were there for her all those days before that point, giving her happiness, companionship and comfort. That's what really matters, not just being there for one moment.
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I'm sorry anon. I immediately thought of pic related, I love that post so much
I feel like I'm trapped in a loop I can't get out of, procrastinating everything I want to do in life out of fear and wanting to minmax everything yet doing nothing.
Every day I wake up, my head fills with the knowledge that I want to play my piano or practice my art, but then gets interrupted by the thought that I have to work first.
So I do, wasting the entire day chipping at the small amount of work I actually have to do every week, taking several days for what could be done in a single 4-5 hour session.
2-3 days go by.
I finally finish my weekly workload, and it's now time to play my piano and practice my art.
Wait no, I have to exercise, it's important to exercise 3 times a week.
So I do.
I do my routine, clean up, give myself a pat on the back.
Man that sure was tiring I sure deserve to rest now.
Another day goes by just browsing imageboards.
Oh well maybe tomorrow then ahah.
"Tomorrow" comes and maybe I'm feeling sick, maybe a friend calls and I gotta be out, literally anything happens and takes my time away, making me feel like my day was already "used" for that even if that inconveniency lasted only a couple hours.
On those extremely rare days I actually do practice music or art, I can start the trickle of happiness starting, I feel the satisfaction of finally doing what I wanted to…until I hit a snag, be it a chord I can't analyse, or a section I can't get down, or a brush setting I can't quite find, literally anything, and it makes me quit on the spot.
And back to idling on imageboards we go, that small bud of happiness I was feeling at finally getting out of the slump rotting into a feeling of guilt towards not even managing to stick with it.
I hate this, I hate every single day I spend like this, yet I have no idea what to do.
I feel like I'm turning everything I love into a chore, things that are supposed to be what I love and do in my spare time instead turning into a looming responsibility, something that I need free time to recover from even though it's supposed to be what my free time is for.
I wish I could even say I'm going insane about it, but it's even worse.
It's like I'm shutting down, even the negativity and tears I once shed about this are fading into pure apathy, like soon I'm going to become a pure automaton, just keeping myself financially stable and physically fit for no purpose whatsoever.
I don't know what to do.
Co-signing what >>184348
said about cutting off contact. Not the same situation as yours, but I was in a similar situation where external factors (international LDR, COVID restricting travel, different points in our careers, etc.) lead to the dissolution of my most recent relationship almost a year ago. It fucking sucked… a lot. We both still had heavy feelings for each other, but our circumstances were unforgiving. I went strict no contact immediately post-break up & I was torn up about it for some time, but eventually you learn to cope and open your heart again to new people. No contact is key. Block if you have to, don’t be ashamed or shy about protecting your peace of mind. Don’t hold on to false hope either. If your paths cross again, then they cross again. And if they don’t, then they don’t. You’ll be okay, I promise!
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anons how do I deal with having a roommate who also has past food issues when I myself suffer from disordered eating? my eating has gotten worse lately and I feel anxious preparing food in front of her in case she notices I'm eating way less than her, she's the type to get triggered by that stuff even though she talks about her "ED" constantly (it's disordered eating behaviour at worst - I've only ever seen her eat very substantially and she is a very healthy weight). it makes me feel super uncomfortable when she discusses it because she acts like she is the only person to ever have any issues with food and brings up her "ED" at really inappropriate moments like when we have friends round. it is SO uncomfortable for me but I don't want to be super insensitive, or trigger her with my own food problems etc. how do I handle this? do I just eat and prepare food alone forever?
I have an ED too and let me tell you that living with other ED people is a constant nightmare. Without fail they try to fucking compete with me for no fucking reason. Even if it doesnt start like that, that is what it'll become, and it's the worst thing ever because someone inevitably ends up triggered
to hell and back.
Best thing is honesty. Speak ED to ED and let her know she is making you uncomfortable. It doesn't have to be "bitch shut your non eating mouth up you're making me uncomfy", she has an ED to and will likely understand how you feel (but maybe let her know that you're still open to talk if she needs advice/venting about eating disorder stuff)
I have a cousin who lived with my parents before I was born so she is practically has older sibling status. Despite being a 24 yrs old she acts like a preteen with an attitude problem and seems to be a bordeline narc. She is rude and lazy,doesnt clean up after herself and gets other people to do it but expects us to clean our messes with out her help, she also projects her jealousy and insecurities on me whenever I do things like buying myself a hamster and her comparing it to her just bringing home a baby she found or trying to give me lectures over small mistakes Ive made that can be easily handled if she stfu. Its extremely annoying when she tries to give "advice" which is just her way of trying to show off how much more life experieance she has despite the fact that she has never lived on her own and lives rent free with us and has no real intentions to move out, my dad is the one who basically hands her a new car when she needs one and is the one to fix it when a problem arises but she never thanks him because she feels entitled to his hardwork, the job she has now is only thanks to my mother who was her only real connection to it and because my cousin couldnt even do her own job searching, never had a romantic partner but feels as if she's a relationship guru whenever me or my siblings bring over our bfs/gfs. She gets offended if I tell her that her "advice and help" is not needed and tries to prove me wrong about that by constantly pushing out how since she is giving the advice we should be grateful and just take it. Recently, I had a convo between me and my grandma that basically involved only me and her. Later, my cousin comes and she tries to ask me what I was talking about and I refused to tell her because it doesnt involve her. Then she tries to give me some of her bullshit advice so I told her that "while she may not agree with me, her "advice", while appreciated(NOT!), is not helpful in anyway" to which she basically responds with, "Well you might not agree with ME but… I think that if you dont want me to assume things about you I should get to pry into your business." I was kinda pissed but this is very standard of her. I seem to be the only peson she does this to. My brother brushes her off and she leaves him alone most times but when I try to do the same she just cant seem to shut the fuck up and has to show me how she is better than me. I also refuse to help her out finacially or any work that isnt house cleaning because the last few times I refused she basically threatened me that she will never help me with anything in the future and that I will later get whats coming to me. What kinda psycho does that? Im not bothered by her narc tendencies too much other than the fact that its so FUCKING annoying like damn… but yeah I just really need some help cause Im turning 20 in a few months so Im moving out and I dont want my younger sister or brother becoming her new victim.
Do you by any chance have a cat rescue or ASPCA near you? It’s always better to involve the pros in case the cat has rabies or some other kind of disease. That said, I did treat an injured cat in my neighborhood before. He also had a big scratch like what you’re describing, I basically washed it every day with water and tried to keep it clean. Neosporin and other antibacterial creams aren’t good for cats since they just groom/lick it off and the ingredients can be toxic
There's only one other place that I can try. I hope they will take him in.>>185935
it's not a scratch, not anymore. It turned into something else today. I think it was a scratch that turned into an abscess. Today it was ripped off of his neck so a large portion of him is very exposed. I do have a picture but I am not sure if it's against a rule here. It's a very bad wound.
I recommend grey rock method, look it up, you're right not to help her financially and don't try to reason with someone's narcissism bc you'll drive yourself mad. I have the same issue with a 24/f relative who has never had a romantic partner or friends either, and yes this person doesn't treat men that way, suddenly they understand what the word no means and when to stop in front of their brother. It's only towards women they keep provoking to assert themselves and prove they're better than you and know more, because outside of the house in the real world they're insignificant. They just try to control you and intervene in your life because they have no control or authority in their own, no real confidence unless they put everyone else down to lift themselves up, and no social skills to be busy with their own relationships. Your younger sister will be the victim
, just be there for her when you move out so she can text and vent to you on the phone.
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i hope people don't hate me for asking about this, im sorry if you disagree with me for thinking i should do this. i know its not for everyone but i think it might be for me personally.
i am considering getting a bypass. does anyone have any experience or advice on this?
ive gotten mixed ideas on it. my aunt has it and she has always been skinny (in a healthy way). but a friend says a family member has it and it worked for a few months then she gained all of it back and it was a huge waste of money. from what i gathered there are different types of bypass so maybe she got the cheaper one? my mom also used to say (again dont know the type of bypass) she knew someone who had it and if they overeat they would throw it up because they simply couldnt have that much food in their stomach. so you'd have to get used to smaller portions like it or not. i would love to hear your stories please
my half-sister had a gastric bypass done maybe 15ish years ago. she went from morbidly obese (i'd reckon she was in the mid 300lbs range) to the higher end of being overweight (maybe 200-220?) and has maintained that. her issue is liquid calories. she fucking loves starbucks and beer.
at the beginning she did vomit if she ate too much or too quickly but i haven't heard her mention either of those issues in the last 5 years.
i think she'd lose more weight if she stuck to an actual diet but, honestly, she's in her late 40s and is just happy to not be morbidly obese.
Try some adrenaline-fueling activities. You can't be bored when parachuting out of a plane the first time, can you?
Look at stuff like thishttps://www.worldtravelguide.net/features/feature/getting-high-15-of-the-best-adrenaline-activities/
(first link when I search "adrenaline-fueling activities")
The first one, zero g, sounds awesome to me.
Some people need more adrenaline than average to feel good, our bodies are different. Maybe that's you.
1) shower with your clothes on
2)listen to music in the dark
3)collect fungi and bring it home
4)wake up super early and enjoy the solitude outside
5)have a picnic, you can eat in a car if it's cold
6)play an instrument, it's very fulfilling
7)ask a friend to playfight/brawl, very nice and fun
8)rock back and forth in a dark room
9)bathe in the dark
10)go on a long journey in no direction
But just keep changing up routines. Go to sleep late if you want, you're an adult. Eat cereal in the bathtub. Talk to strangers if you're that bored. As long as you're kept on your toes (this is why brawling is important)
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I don't have anything to add but just wanted to show my appreciation for this post. I used to do this sort of thing all the time and for some reason a few years back I just stopped and it's been way too long. You're great anon, I hope you have a nice day.
I'm literally blushing rn. thank you nonny
, have a great and fun day too
For me it was a thing called piriformis syndrome, there's a small muscle in the middle of your hip that can compress the nerve if it's tight. Look up stretches for it and see if it helps.
Turns out the root cause was my ankles being weak and floppy and falling inwards, it was causing all sorts of problems further up. If that's the case for you, there's lots of things you can do to strengthen and support your ankles.
nta but I used to do these types of things as a lonely teen who loved the outdoors during summer vacation.>look up abandoned buildings in your area and scavenge for things left behind by people, or just enjoy the scenery>just play dress up and go somewhere you're not likely to be seen (or not, I was just easily emabrrased) - I used to put on my semi-historicaslly accurate witch costumes, weird shit like that>go on a day trip to a town nearby where you've never been>go foraging for greens or berries >whistle in nature>get to a really high point somewhere in your area and just enjoy the view (I was usually in the city so I'd use accessible apartment building roofs)>do some plein-air painting>walk your cat>try to strike up a conversation with a random stranger if you feel like they could be interesting to talk to>take a ferry or boat to an island>find flowers to press or take honme as a bouquet>find a small, absolutely unpeopled lake and take a swim (maybe even go skinny dipping, but I was never brave enough, ahah).
There are plenty of free things to do alone for free, you just have to see what nature offers and take it gracefully and with respect.
Those are all amazing. I used to dress up too, strange how I forgot about the simple joy. I've been suicidal through most of my life, so I have missed on simple pleasures like the one you listed.
I'm gonna save those ideas and start doing them! I bet there is a whole book on the topic, but IDK what to look for. I bet this type of things to do has a name in some language that I don't know, lol.>>look up abandoned buildings in your area and scavenge for things left behind by people, or just enjoy the scenery
God, I've been obsessed with abandoned places for years. I've only been to one, though. I'm scared of running into homeless men, some of whom may be dangerous. How did you deal with this?
I'd recommend doing beginners yoga for a couple of weeks at the very least and see how you feels. Also look up for full body stretches for beginners on youtube, even a 10 min routine every morning will do wonders in the long run.
Unfortunately with nerve pain there's no immediate relief so you have to stick to it for a bit to see if it helps.
I don't know if you "believe" in meditation but sometimes it does wonders for patients with chronic pains so keep that in mind too.
(When my father had cancer we used to do meditation together and for at least couple of hours he would be pain free and we are talking about cancer pain)
Try this app: https://sleeptown.seekrtech.com/
It'll give you an incentive to stick to a sleeping schedule. Also no screens an hour at the very least before going to sleep, sceens interfere with the production of melatonin in your brain that you need to fall asleep. If you can prevent the surge of melatonin from being disrupted, you'll actually feel sleepy when it's bed-time and it'll become easy enough to fall asleep despite having a busy mind.
I had insomnia for an entire year until I got my shit together and did all of this. The screens thing that anon mentioned is vital, here are other tips:> go to sleep and wake up at the same time always (and both things should be done early) > only use your bed for sleeping > do something relaxing before going to sleep and if you've trouble falling asleep, don't spend more than 20 mins in bed: get up and do something chill > meditate before (check out the headspace app or their series on netflix - the newest is focused on sleeping) > get tired during the day: workout, go for a walk, try to get out of your house> no caffeine late in the day
Background noises are great, don't worry about them. And for the videogames, try not to play them at least a few hours before going to bed
Might be a little late, but I didn't really meet any homeless people, guess I was lucky. Most of the homeless here are generally benevolent drunks.
But If you want to be prepared (which is wise), I'd suggest carrying some pepper spray with you, or any other method for self-defense. Otherwise, if you dont happen to have any on hand, leave when your gut tells you to, 100% of the time.
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Any advice on how to not dissociate and feel like I'm living in a fake world? Sometimes I don't feel connected to my body, the sky seems like a shabby backdrop and when people speak to me it's like I could reach across and my hand would pass through them. I've dealt with this for most of my life and tried to combat it all sorts of ways, some healthy, others not so much. Exercising and deeply focusing on how my body feels or going out in nature and trying to be very present can sometimes ground me, but there are also times I've outright cut myself
and still feel totally detached from reality. I haven't self harmed in a long time so that's progress, but the feeling drives me insane. Ideas like >>187313
aren't always great for me because getting high on adrenaline can end up making everything feel even more surreal. Are there drugs that help with this? Do I need to meditate upside down or make a pilgrimage to a holy site? I feel like I've tried everything and just want the feeling to end. Or rather, for feelings to seem legitimate again. Anyone know how to handle this better?
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Thank you nonnies. Honestly I'm still trying to figure out the reasons behind it. I do have some trauma that causes intrusive thoughts, but that occurred later in life so it doesn't explain why it started as a kid. I've always been very dreamy and dissociated even though I was physically active. I was left alone a lot so maybe my cope was floating off to some other mental space. Depression has been a long-term issue but I'm getting better. Seems obvious but maybe that's why I overlooked it. No doubt continuing to improve my mindset will help with subconsciously wanting to tune out.
And sure, I'm willing to give chakra meditation a go. To some extent mindfulness meditation has been all right, so I can see how specifically linking meditation to areas of my body could be helpful. Appreciate the advice!
Are you an only child? You mentioned being left alone as a lot and I can relate as I was an only child left alone a lot while parents worked shifts etc.
I feel like I still feel the way you do, but I never would have thought its 'dissasociating' but more being so in tune with the world that it can seem overwhelming. Kids like us grew up with a very attuned intuition, and it will probably be like this for us forever. Trauma makes it worse of course.
There's not much you can do, personally I vicit sensory deprivation tanks sometimes and it feels great for me. I also enjoy going to music gigs where I can just get lost in the music and crowd and be in my own dream like aura. You just gotta find dreamy ways to live. Its not a 'problem' that you have.
Again, I think you are just more in tune with reality. Just relax, you will feel so much of reality and it will hurt. People, art, music will feel like too much.
You will be okay.
Find pics of women that you like who have your body type and create a folder to flip through? Fashion shoots, pinterest type shots, etc.
But, seriously anon don't worry. Slim, athletic bodies will never become unattractive, and they haven't actually stopped appealing to the majority of people. Many men ONLY like that body type, too. You're good.
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Willing to take the ban for this, but it's my eighteenth birthday tomorrow and I don't really know what to do for it. I was thinking to maybe have a little picnic with my grandparents and go out to dinner with my mother afterwards. I am worried it will be underwhelming, because I want it to be perfect. My past birthdays were not nice and this is a milestone. Do you have any tips or advice? Maybe something super fun or meaningful that I didn't think of? Maybe a way to not be so stressed and perfectionistic about it? I like picnics, literature and art, if that helps.
Omg anon I had my birthday yesterday and we are one year apart, I now declare you my soul sister
And seconding all these ideas, have a nice day! >>188842
I just baked myself a cake and hung out/shared said cake with a friend on my 18th, it doesn't have
to be special just because you're 18 now. Don't stress about it, just try to have fun however you see fit.
Maybe go to an art museum and get something from the art shop as a birthday gift to yourself? Whatever you decide to do, have a good time!
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I feel like I make my irl friends uncomfortable around me when I get vulnerable and I don't know how to show my confidence. It doesn't help that I don't have good relationships with them since we never see each other and communicatpe mostly through text.
How do I forget about a friend who doesn’t make an effort anymore?
One of my best friends has let her anxiety and trauma force her to distance herself from me, her family and anything that reminds her of her past. She’s overprotective of her time and wont even drop by if she’s in town, whereas before we would have week long sleep overs together and I was her maid of honor.
I’m seriously disappointed. She got married and had a baby and has been more over protective of her time than ever, if I visit her at her house sometimes she shoes me out the door by the time her husband gets home. I havnt seen her face in a year, I had a small gift to give her and asked if she could drop by to pick it up before going to a bachelorettes party of someone I (kind of) know. Our other friend who was also going to the party invited me and said the bride wouldn’t mind having me at all, but I thought it would be weird for me to come so I wanted to wait for my friend to stop by so I could feel the vibes but she said she was running late and couldn’t see me, so I didn’t go. I’m sad I missed our cause it could have been my one chance to hang out with her like old times again. I’m kind of sad and jealous because she ended up sleeping over at our other friends/her sister (the girl who invited me) house and doing things we used to do, she evenended up seeing my sister at the bar and chatting her up for a while but she wouldn’t even see me for ten minutes, and even though her sister invited me out she didn’t think to and I bet didn’t want me there. I used to be her maid of honor and we’ve been friends for fifteen years and we’ve had toxic fights at times but nothing happened that was eventful that would end our friendship, just a slow dying death of her not putting me on her priority list in the slightest.
Inb4 she is a mom don’t be a bitch, I’m also a mom but my kid is a lot older. I just wanted to see her like a few times a year, nothing crazy
Have you ever asked her directly why?
Maybe someone told her a lie about you?
I don't know if I'd call it weak, it's normal and understandable that you'd want to maintain a friendship with someone you care about even if they've done you wrong. But you likely don't have great boundaries. I don't know what she did, but I am familiar with this dynamic. If what your friend did is bad enough that other people are saying it's unforgivable, then she knows she hurt you and her silence shows she places a higher priority on pride and being right than showing concern for you. That's gross and dismissive. By allowing her to get away with this and acting like she didn't do anything wrong, you're enabling her shitty behavior. It would be generous enough to bring it up with her in the first place, which would allow her to discuss it without having to make the first move, but to just remain silent while she continues using you as a sounding board… you're being a doormat.
Ask yourself if you really want the "friendship" of someone who treats you like an afterthought. Imo cut contact with her. If she owns up to whatever she did and apologizes, maybe that will be the jolt she needs to realize how serious this was. If she acts personally affronted, doubles down and gaslights you by saying you're the one in the wrong, or ignores you in turn, you have your answer.
I worded it wrong. She apologized and some time later I talked about it again and said it's hard for me to let go. She said I can come to her to talk about it every time. And maybe I should just do it. Because last time helped a lot.
What I meant is that sometimes she is angry at me for something unrelated and then I think about what she did and can't really be sorry for whatever I maybe have done. So I know I haven't forgive her yet.
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Beauty center pressured me to finance a LHR treatment because I was interested in reading about it - texting for an entire day, calling, hurrying me up. They know I live on welfare because I can’t work and lied on the bank’s contract about my income. Gave in because I’m autistic and had wanted láser for a long time.
The contract (which I was sent after they signed it for me) states that I can cancel within 14 days with no fees. When I’m home, the “euphoria” goes away and I realize I can’t pay for it. I also check for opinions online and their service is awful. They use that pressure and harassment tactic to get inexperienced customers to commit without thinking much about it or giving them time to do research, promising an exclusive/personal offer.
I call them to cancel and they want to charge me 80 bucks because “that’s the bank’s contract, not ours”. They never mentioned the existence of a second contract, I never signed another one. Is this even legal?
For context, I’m from Europe, 19, and have learned the lesson not to finance or commit without researching first just because it’s something I’ve wanted.
My fam says to report this. Can I do that, or am I just out of luck, only with a new lesson learned?
Sounds like you're being scammed but we can't give you legal advice. We don't know in what country you live or what the laws are there. Get into contact with legal consultancy/counter (I hope that's the right word for it in English), where I am you can get legal advice for free (I think it's government funded, you may have something similiar in your country). Or if it's not free, see if law schools/unis where you are offer free legal advice.
In what country do you live? I'm also in Europe, if we happen to be in the same country I can give you specific links.
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Next month I'm sleeping over at the house of a young man I met off the internet for a few days. I'm relatively adventurous and look forward to this experience, but I was hoping to discuss safety tips. I'll be making a reservation at a hotel/hostel nearby for the time I'll be staying so I have a place to go, as well as keeping a family member informed. Aside from that, I'm still thinking about my preparation. What are other things I could undertake for good safety? Perhaps to bring cash, but how would you store it securely? I was also considering a burner phone. Please share your tips for safety in this scenario, including the traveling aspect. :) Maybe you can link a website or book if you have one that addresses this request?
Wtf just dump him. You sound absolutely miserable, if your goal was convince your parents you're straight breaking up with him won't prevent that. Wanting to hang out with someone is not worth the way you feel when you have sex.
People break up all the time, it's not a big deal and it's seriously not wrong to dump him for any reason at all let alone one as massive as feeling 'gross and used' after sex.
If you're determined to meet with him, do not go to his house at all. Stay at your hotel at night and meet him in public. If you decide you want to spend a night with him, bring him to your hotel room. Do not get into his car at any point, rent your own car if you need to drive somewhere, or call a ride sharing service for the both of you.
I understand feeling the need to meet up in person, but telling a relative what city you're in/near doesn't make you much easier to find in a moment's notice if anything were to go wrong. Stick to public places and consider sharing your location with your lookouts, I know that's a thing on Snapchat and maybe iPhones too. There are safety apps you can download, I don't remember what they're called, but they have location sharing features, one-touch emergency call buttons, and route tracking and other stuff too.
Does anyone have any advice regarding escaping depression and setting goals?
I have been depressed for over 10 years, I have a useless college degree and I can't get a job above min wage. I don't want to do anything. Legit, I don't have any goals in life. This is mostly due to people continuously discouraging me away from anything I was slightly passionate in, and after years of doing that I cannot find the spark again. The only thing I strive for is to live with a loving partner, which I cannot do without marriage if I want to still be on speaking terms with my family. I don't have any close friends due to reasons outside of my control (like being unlucky with people, close people moving abroad etc.). I still live with my parents at 24 (which isn't too weird for my country but still sad), I get jobs from time to time but no matter how much I save it doesn't seem enough. The only talent I have outside of my degree is illustration and graphic design, but my applications fly under the radar due to not having a degree, despite me being proficient in programs and being talented. Currently I want to move out of my house so badly, but I'll be financially struggling too much due to the country's economy. Every time I see someone achieve their goals I breakdown, I cannot move most of the days because I'm so depressed. I can't afford therapy. With covid everything feels even worse as I can't even go outside and touch some grass as the cool kids say.
Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, can they share how they got out of this loop?
These people will try anything to get their money. Fortunately, I was able to cancel without fees. Thanks, though>>189574
Thank you anon, I mentioned that, plus insisted on being shown the contract where I supposedly signed agreeing to pay for a fee, or any of their terms mentioning it. They couldn't prove it because it didn't happen, so after unsuccessfully trying to put the blame on me for being "young and irresponsible" (I mean, I take responsibility for the things I did wrong, but that doesn't mean they can just scam people), I was able to cancel at no cost. I feel so relieved.
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I don't enjoy playing certain videogame with my bf but how do I approach this? Normally I'm all for "just talk about it openly" approach but somehow this one stresses me out, probably because if situation would be reversed I would feel very insecure.
This game is my personal favorite, I've introduced my bf to it just recently and I just don't enjoy the way he plays it, a bit too competitive while the whole point for me is just to be chill and have fun, so he's pretty much ruining the experience for me and I'd much more prefer to play by myself. Do I maybe just stop playing this one for a while, try to steer his interest back to titles we both like, hope he forgets this one? What would you anons do?
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Coming to terms that you are mediocre looking and will probably end up with someone also mediocre looking.
I have a few assets that still set me apart from absolute NPC type looking ass. I was an ex-ballerina and I look like one, but in other words absolutely no ass or boobs.
My closest honest friends and myself have averaged my body+face to be a 6/10 overall, it’s fair tbh. I’ve dated a few dudes in my “”league”” but ultimately broke up because I was just so un-attracted to them.
How do my average anons cope?
If you're thin and an ex ballerina I reckon your true and honest friends are bullshitting you about being a 6. No matter what trends are happening or how much women meme themselves into coping that a bbl and weird proportions are desirable, men like natural fit looking women.
Most men would go nuts hearing about a ballerina tbh.
If you're breaking up with guys because you find them ugly, aim higher. A lot of men don't bother approaching women they deem out of their league if they genuinely think of you as girlfriend material. Like it is a thing men will approach who they think they can score with and that has very little to do with appearance.
There was some study that confirmed when women approached men first they ended up with more attractive partners but there’s also no guarantee those relationships last or remain healthy. >men will approach who they think they can score with and that has very little to do with appearance.
Mostly true but do you really want to be with a guy like this? My ex was hot and freely admitted he didn’t approach me first because he thought I was out of his league, but his crippling self esteem issues and mental illness then caused him to gaslight and emotionally abuse me for the rest of our relationship in an attempt to convince me never to leave him (which could’ve been accomplished much more effectively by just being sane and nice to me). I’m not getting in a relationship again unless the guy has the confidence and composure to respectfully approach first. By all means be friendly and give hints if you’re into someone but don’t make it that
easy for men. If he wanted to he would. Whether a guy’s reason for not approaching is a lack of interest or not being brave enough, you either end up with someone lukewarm or a coward. Neither are good outcomes.
Agree with this anon. I've dated some great looking guys out of my league.
Men have always told me, "You're more beautiful than your photos." I'm not. You just can't see my personality in photos.
Men are definitely superficial, don't get me wrong.
Am I hot? No lmfao. Can I be interesting? Yes. I'm thin and androgynous. I use that to my advantage. I have an elevated sense of fashion. Cut my hair or do my makeup in a way normie girls might not dare. I will say surprising things. I will make a guy genuinely laugh. I'll poke holes in his ego and catch him off-guard. Make him a little nervous. If you can make a guy nervous, he will confuse that for attraction. Idk anything about FDS, but that has just been my experience.
I think the personality is what gets a guy interested enough to want make things physical. The sex keeps them coming back. I'm not kinky or freaky necessarily, and I don't debase myself. But I'm good at sex. I do what I want. I think about how to make it a good time for the other person.
Hot men aren't all that great though. After a year, they sorta start to look normal. I can look at a picture of them with a group of people and think, "Wow what a good looking guy." On an everyday basis though it's like a spell is lifted. They're a little too in love with themselves. Such a turn-off. It's not a great combo with that masculine ego. There are some attractive men who don't really know they're attractive, and they can be so sweet. That's rare though.
I know several diagnosed ADHD people who got great grades and can't keep their life together, is your therapist a psychiatrist? If not, how would they know?
I'm curious because this sounds a lot like me (apart from grades, they were bad)
No, he's just a psychologist. This made me think. I know there's an official diagnostical test in my country but it's way too expensive for me right now.
Could you share what helped you personally? I was thinking about starting a bullet journal or use some sort of app that makes me feel accountable
Nta but same anon who suggested adhd.
Bullet journals personally never worked for me. Adhd is when the brain lacks that sweet sweet serotonin of a reward. Basically if you're not feeling rewarded, it's difficult to focus and stay motivated because the results are not instant. That isn't to say you don't have your moments, as often times I can scroll through tiktok hours on end not getting bored. So my suggestion is to set up a reward system of some sort. Keep a calendar/chore list somewhere where you'll see it often. Get cute stickers or something to mark what you accomplished. But most importantly, set a goal reward. Ex. "If I do the dishes for a week straight I'll get myself something nice to eat."
I haven't been diagnosed, that's why I was asking. There's something definitely wrong and weird with me, but I've been leaning towards autism because my dad has it. Although you get executive dysfunction with autism too.
Tbh you don't have to be diagnosed with anything to use adhd tips to improve your life. Mostly I try to think ahead and make it as easy as possible to do the thing (like if I'm working out in the morning, it would take me 45 minutes to get my shit together and out of the door, but if i spend 5 minutes the night before getting an outfit and bag together, it takes me 10 minutes to get out of the door).
I really feel the emotional drain of doing something you don't want to do though, i think that's why I'm so tired all the time, and incredibly avoidant of everything. I procrastinate my entire life away. I have ten days to do ten assignments that I've put off and I'm here shitposting.
Drawing or painting
Learn a new language
Learn an instrument
Crafting things (cheaper ones: embroidery, knitting, jewelry making, sewing, candle or soap making, sculpting, calligraphy)
Rock climbing or bouldering gym
Local classes: cooking, exercise, yoga, dance, martial arts, pottery, acting
Read nonfiction books or listen to podcasts on topics of interest
I've been using this app called routinery and my quality of life has gone up SO MUCH.
I used to get stuck doing the most unproductive pointless stuff.
You can build two routines for free and see how you like it, then pay for the app https://routinery.app/
Thank you, I'm gonna check it out!!>>191686
I had braces at 24 and it was the BEST decision of my life. My bite was off - back molars were barely touching, so I had difficulty eating and now I have a 90% functional bite. It also improved my looks - since now I'm using more muscles in my face, it looks rounder and more youthful. Also, I know of people in their 40s who got braces, so don't worry about being too old for them or anything like that. I'd say don't put off dating because of the braces - if someone likes you for YOU and not just for your looks, it's not gonna be important to them, and if someone's superficial ass wouldn't date you because of them, well then you wouldn't want that person in your life anyway
Do you want to talk to him again/not burn bridges? say thanks
Are you fine with him being out your life? ignore
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Is it cringey to post analyses online when you already write them anyway for fun? Does it matter that it's cringe?
After every book I read or movie I watch, I practically write an entire report or philosophize about it with other women. Some have asked me to create a blog, which might just be giving me a hint that I talk too much nonsense. Though usually the're pretty up front with me when I'm being annoying. So I'd like to think it was in good faith.
I don't want to create a podcast, YT channel or (purely) a blog. Maybe I could get into zines? Should I just embrace the cringe and do it? It feels so self centered (like this post and most of the internet).
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It's not so much that I worry about someone else thinking it's cringe, unless future me counts. I worry that it would be something I personally would look back on and just completely cringe at later and regret. Especially since I frequently change my mind. Meanwhile if I keep it mostly to myself, maybe it's more likely that the memories stay positive.
How normal is it to hate all your friends after a while?
I can make friends easily enough, but no matter what, at some point I start strongly disliking them, for almost no reason. All their flaws start seem to become more obvious (even if their behavior hasn't changed at all) and it's like they rot from the inside out before my very eyes.
It's not even exclusively based off of jealousy, which I would understand. It's anything. My only going theory right now is that I build people up too highly in my head during the honeymoon period of the friendship (if such a thing exists) but that doesn't quite connect all the dots for me.
Also, I know this sounds like a very whiny teenager problem (I'm 19, so you're not wrong exactly) but this pattern has been repeating since about the age of 5, so it seems deeper than that.
I try my best not to lash out about it, as I know it's quite irrational. At most I keep myself to the occasional cold, snippy comment and furious diary entries, but it's stressful to live nursing hatred.
I've been reconnecting with a friend that now lives abroad (we weren't super close but had kind of a "maybe something will happen" thing that never did). We've been talking a lot these past few weeks and even watching movies together. I can see myself starting to like him and the circustances are not good since he lives really far away and I don't see us seeing each other any time soon. Should I drift away from this? I feel I'm going to get hurt or we both will. I'm just really sad thinking I can't physically touch him and that if there's anything going on from him too that we'll have to mantain this charade of a "friendship" that will inevitably be crushed by someone saying "ah I met someone haha" and both having to act aloof about it.
On the other hand I kind of want to just enjoy the connection and not worry if things will go bad or not, but the thing is that I can't shake the knowledge that if I do see him it may be like once a year at most. I've just been feeling really lonely lately and also know distance can make things feel even more intense that they would be in person otherwise…
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Anons who have left really abusive situations, how long did it take until you felt “normal” again? My mom and I left my dad in November and while I’ve noticed a marked difference on my energy levels and just general ability to think I still don’t feel completely there. I’m having a hard time doing normal tasks still and while my bad days are less they still happen. I’m so torn because while I’ve been trying to give myself time to rest I’m also having these very strong urges to finally put myself out there but I still don’t feel fully ready. I don’t know what to do and just want to live up to my potential.
Congratulations, anon! It will take a while to get back to the standard you've set up for yourself aka normal, but try not to hold yourself up to that standard too much. I don't know what you or your mum have been through, but horrible experiences have a way of distorting your sense of reality and your self worth.
As long as you (and your mum) are in a place where you are physically, mentally and socially safe (especially if you live together) you have a place where you can heal at your own pace.
Try not to think of the time it will take to get where you want to be, especially if you want to meet new people or try something new.
Trauma recovery is never a set-time sort of deal.
I hope you'll get better responses than this, though.
Okay. I'll give you some advice I wish I'd told myself at your age. It might come across as cold, but hey - learn from my mistakes if you want.
If you don't value a friendship for whatever reason, or can't handle the responsibility/pressure of having a friend, then think of the relationship as a personal reference for a future job. The job market sucks everywhere, and if you need a personal reference aka someone you knew for 5+ years to provide it then trust me - cutting off friends can and will hurt you financially.
Maybe not seriously yet, since you're under 20. If you genuinely don't like having the responsibility of maintaining friendships, try and keep up the bare minimum of friend count with a goal in mind. If you truly hate your friends, try to work on your own goals instead of focusing on other people.
I can't say whether or not hating your friends is just low self esteem, where you think you can't think of belonging to a group of people, without resentment or you genuinely don't like people. I mean if you're financially secure and carefree, why would you give a toss about other people? The only social responsibility in your situation, would be to not cause harm to the people who are your friends at the moment, or those naïve enough to try an be nice to you. There is nothing more anyone could ever ask of you.
As for the normal amount of hatred, let's not go there. That would be putting a value on a horrible emotion to hold inside.
If you still have the energy to express yourself in more meaningful, fulfilling ways, it would be a shame to not to make the best of it and waste in a negative way.(samefagging)
When it comes to media, I personally find the ability to vent in the form of a review helpful.
Could this be some issue with your attachment style? If you start pushing away people who you start to feel bonded to, it could be a sign of an avoidant attachment style. When you make friends you will be aware of their flaws, but unless it's something that's completely reprehensible most people can turn a blind eye and enjoys their company anyway.
For example, most people make friends and then realise their friend might be a bit of religious nut. But apart from that, they still hang out and avoid the topic when they're together. Same with if they chew with their mouth full or make bad jokes, most people can tolerate a certain level and enjoy hanging out anyway. Hating them isn't normal, and hating all your friends sounds like a level of self sabotage imo.
You may not notice it but your friends probably notice a certain level of distain you have towards them, but ignore it for the sake of hanging with you too.
Not to sound like a broken record but therapy would help, nonnite
I’m not really there myself and it’s been… 5/6 months I guess? Way better than early on though. Was having nightmares, panic attacks and leaping out of my skin worrying I would run across him at a grocery story or around the neighborhood since we still live in the same area. Then, funnily enough, I did run into him recently and was fine. Even told him I was certain I didn’t want to have anything to do with him and felt a whole lot of nothing afterwards. The emotion that comes up the most now isn’t fear or sadness but anger. But I remember that’s no longer beneficial either. Initially it pushed me to stand up for myself and get out but now it’s just eating into the happiness I should rightfully be enjoying. The whole drinking poison and hoping it hurts someone else issue. So I do guided meditations which are helpful, I can actually feel my body releasing the tension. I don’t have the energy or really desire to maintain more than a handful of relationships right now and I’m pretty good at staying on top of day-to-day things but I don’t beat myself up when there are days I just can’t get through it all. As >>191957
said you should just go at your own pace. You’re never going to be the same, which might sound ominous, but I don’t mean it that way. You’re stronger, more mature and more conscious of some of the worst humanity has to offer, and that changes you, but not into a bitter person but one who can see reality more clearly and value the good all the more. It can be strange feeling your perspective and identity shift but just know it’s a natural process and you’ll come out the other side a more complete person.
>>192111>She's let him isolate her.
Do you think the types of toxic
men who isolate women ask their permission first? You're funny. She's in the fog of abuse.
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How do you feel comfortable in a dress if you're really tomboyish and have "masculine" mannerism? I'll often get told by my mother to be more "lady like", that I "walk like a man" and similar shit and idk what to think anymore. The fact that I'm a gym rat, so somewhat muscular and an inverted triangle with 0 waist (pic related) doesn't help.
I just want to feel cool enough this summer not to get a heat stroke or some shit.
Just live, anon. Fuck the opinions of anyone but you.
I'm a tall-ish and strong woman with a deep voice who used to present masc and I've continued acting as always even though I wear flowery flowing dresses and cute shit now. The contrast is hilarious to me and upsetting to men so I see no point in changing.
Just make sure not to accidentally show anyone your ass in dresses. Safety shorts are your best friend.
Screw anyone who judges. Muscular figures are beautiful.
You can try different types of dresses to see which type you prefer and look better in. Its all about finding what dress flatters your figure more.
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There are lots of sorts of dresses. I think you should try straight shaped dresses with no sleeves. Maybe like this one
Holy shit no, if anon is an inverted triangle shape these types of dresses will make her look like a fridge.>>192619
Go for a classic A-line dress. It will balance out your silhouette.
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Seconding what this anon says, A-line is the way to go
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First off, learn to integrate.
Secondly, try taking up a hobby, even if you think it's stupid, at least it's something to do. It doesn't matter if you're drawing your shitty Sonic OC or making macaroni art, just do SOMETHING.
You asked what other people do. I'm a writer. I'm so-so, make a little money from it on the side, but mostly I just do it so I don't go nuts when I'm stuck inside all day.
If you're afraid of being made fun of, you don't have to share it with anyone. If you don't have anyone you feel you can count on, try finding happiness internally.
Or don't. I don't know you, and you don't know me. But you asked for advice, so I'm giving my two cents.
Or you could just follow this inspirational Inspirobot quote and become the world's next serial arsonist, I dunno.
Use your spite as motivation. I'm not even joking when I say one of the initial reasons I became a writer (on the side, even I'm not enough of a dumbass to take it up full time) was because everyone laughed at my shitty ghost story when I was nine.
Retarded, yes. But I'm the only one of that group who has ever made money off their writing, so it was useful retardation. And what started as spite is now something I genuinely love.
I understand your situation is probably a lot worse, and I do not want to minimize your pain. I was a kid that got laughed at, you could be going through horrible abuse for all I know. But aside from committing acts that will earn you a lifetime in prison, success is the best revenge.
Go kick some ass.
Has he incorporated himself into your families plans or attended similar events on your side?
I struggle with certain events and tbh I look back on a past relationship where I put myself through alot of stress (and ibs lol) by feeling a pressure to attend things no matter how anxious I felt. I put my feelings on the backburner and looking back he didn't do the same. He didn't even have anxiety but he still just didn't return the same effort. I would be all for trying your best as long as his fam are accepting of you (anxiety and all) and as long as he has returned as much effort in going to events on your side too. It should be a two way street of making effort for both families.
Oh, he wants to! Only my family is small and not close. Our family gatherings from the past five years have all been funerals. I feel I've brought this on myself by not going to the smaller things like restaurants or picnics, and avoiding his family to keep from being an intrusion. I've become a social person and worked to make myself flow easily into others yet I can't shake this part of me.
He ended up reassuring me and leaving so now the computer is my only solace and comrade. I can go still if I leave within this hour.
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I know for a fact I've worn a lot of stuff anons would crucify me for (see: psychedelic ruched booty shorts), but even so I just wear what I want. "Irl" I've only rarely gotten negative remarks, mostly from men being gross, but far more often I get strangers complimenting my style even if what I'm wearing isn't on trend. I regularly get mistaken for being in my 20s but frankly I think I look my age, people just have fucked up expectations of what 30 is. Most of my friends are just as beautiful and healthy as ever. Do whatever makes you feel happy anon. Again, it honestly doesn't matter to the majority of people out there, and the ones who do freak out aren't worth your time. There's no point in wasting your life feeling you have to box yourself into a certain mold.
I still have cutesy things I wear, fun t-shirts sometimes or jewelry like picrel. Other days I look very formal and classy, depends on my mood. I don't watch anime as much as I used to just due to lack of interest but sometimes there's a new show I pick up. I mean, the majority of people I encounter aren't even going to know that about me, but I also have friends who watch anime still. You seem very concerned about other's opinions of you so really I'd focus on building your self esteem over anything.
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on here you do kek, pic rel sent me
whatever someone's age is, farmers will try to exaggerate the number and try to call them old
Thanks I really appreciate all of this.>>193289
My point was more that I'm already really immature for my age, I feel 16-21 at most, in the way I act and also the way I dress and feel, and I'm almost 25 already, and I don't see myself suddenly changing a lot in the next 5 years
I feel like it's a weirdly unspoken thing but plenty of people expect to feel grown up by a certain age and then… mentally you just feel the same as you did at like 16. Sometimes having a lacking childhood can cause it but I think we often just have expectations that aren't realistic.
I'm in my 30s and being childless I still find myself drawn to buying blind box toys that are more geared towards kids. I don't know if cashier's assume I have a kid at home (doubt they care or think about it) but it's not uncommon, especially when people now opt out of parenthood and so have the ability to indulge those pleasures for longer. As long as you're not an abdl or consumed by it to the point of neglecting work and responsibilities then it's fine. You can find a healthy balance and reward yourself for your adult accomplishments.
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Any advice for forming friendships with women and keeping yourself from becoming too critical of existing friendships with men? I'm in a similar situation as >>183555
, so maybe this is necroing.
Pretty much all my life I've only ever had male friends for extended periods of time. My mother was the primary breadwinner and worked more hours than my father, so I ended up spending more time with the men in my family at home. This led to me relating to men more often than women, but I also think it resulted in me becoming a workaholic and also holding women to a higher standard when it comes to deciding whether or not it's worth maintaining relationships with them.
It's pathetic to admit this, but I can forgive my male friends being losers (being unemployed or broke mooches, making misogynistic comments, etc.) while I break off relationships with women for the tiniest transgressions like having "cringeworthy" (??? I don't even fucking know what I consider "cringeworthy" anymore) interests. Most of my friendships with girls in elementary, middle, and high school ended because of catty teenage drama while my guy friends have stuck around. Now though, I'm realizing they only treat me with respect because they find me attractive and I tolerate them because I have no one else.
Where do I find female-only groups like >>183741
suggested? I've joined majority-female clubs at my college but the pandemic has complicated things. Should I try Bumble BFF or something?
I get along better with white people that are lgbt, 1st/2nd gen immigrant, mentally ill, or are of poor/working class background. With white people that are none of these, it's harder. To be honest, I try to avoid those that are very …. white, you know. They come off as tonedeaf, buy into liberal feminism/etc. If I have to talk to people like them, I just try to be pleasant and talk about non-offensive things, like their dogs, the weather, and their possible weekend plans. That's all I really do. I don't try to be friends with them but I do try to be polite and interested and I think that's enough.
What helped me was accepting that women have differing interests just like everybody else. You’re not going to like everything they like, but that’s okay,
As long as you are kind and they are kind, it’s easy. Participate in their parties, even if you have to leave early, invite women out of “girls nights” like watching a movie or grabbing drinks or baking something stupid. The glue that holds you together is the need to hang out with other women, cause I bet you the other gals feel the same way. I’ve been friends with women who like One Direction, women who are well read and prim (I’m not lol), and even women who we have nothing in common with. Imo seeking female-only groups is unneeded because you’re going to meet other ladies in life— they’re 50% of the population! Start with your workplace and make your own group.
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I used to be like you but I'm so actively repulsed by men and the filth beneath their exterior that I can't bear to interact with them more than necessary these days. I don't mean to sound rude, but maybe raise your standards and get comfortable doing your own thing for a while? "Alone" doesn't have to equal lonely. They say you're the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, so why hang around unemployed/broke misogynists? They're not improving your life. Better to spend that time on yourself. You might feel lonely temporarily since you're moving out of an existing "friend" group, but you won't have to endure stupid comments from scrotes and can take activities at your own pace. I have female friends now but I still like to do a good amount on my own. It's nice to enjoy your own company.
Bumble BFF was great for me and I met all types of women from artists to gym rats and geeks, but hearing other anons' experiences it sounds like that's not always the case (I'm about an hour away from a major city) so ymmv. You can also look on FB. I found a few "women of xx city" groups where younger women were looking to hang out if they'd recently moved, and it also had a good amount of female business owners (meet your high standards and give you ideas of places to visit). You can look for local women's book clubs or hiking groups. They may have a women-only gym in your area or at least some sort of women's "bootcamp" you can sign up for if you want something more fitness related. (Also yoga and dance classes tend to be predominantly female.) Even "male" stuff like gaming and self defense classes, look at their social media and see if they seem to have any female regulars. Check out r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy for some general ideas on improving the quality of your life and cultivating female friendships, there was actually a post related to this recently which has comments with more ideas you can use: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy/comments/o4bm66/i_get_really_sad_when_i_think_about_the_fact_that/
There are low quality, shitty people of both sexes, but the average woman is still a thousand times more valuable than the average man. You'll likely have to move through a few people before meeting someone you really click with, just like in dating, but it'll be more worthwhile and also break down your biases regarding women in the process.
Thank you! This is very helpful. I think I'm going to try attending game nights at one of my acquaintance's houses on a more regular basis. She might be moving across the country soon, but it's worth a try. Also, I think easing into this is a good strategy. Focusing on predominantly female spaces or just spaces with females in them is better than looking for female-only spaces right away.>>193623
Thank you, this is also extremely helpful. The reason I want to distance myself from my current group of friends is because my standards have upped significantly over the past 1.5-ish years. That's what binge-reading radfem theory will do to you, I guess. Definitely going to try prioritizing the gym and reading over watching shit movies and eating garbage with scrotes.
It's great to hear that you had a good experience with Bumble BFF! I also live in an area about 40 minutes away from a city. The only thing stopping me from trying it out is the possibility of people I'm no longer friends with judging me for being on there, but it's a relatively small worry. Also love the subreddit, that post resonated with me.
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Anons help handle this situation. I feel really ashamed of it. So about a year ago, I cut off my mother. We had a really strained relationship, she had no sense of boundaries and would dictate what I should do in my professional and personal life. I think I might have encouraged since I'm really undecisive and dependent by nature. I felt pretty ambivalent about cutting her off but looking back, it was a good decision - distance is exactly what we needed to reevaluate the relationship. In my self-imposed exile I was renting an apartment and also switched jobs, from which I was fired from after only 3 months. My savings were running out quickly and 80% of my unemployment benefits went to pay the rent. Because of a mixture of low self esteem and laziness I didn't look for a job for months, which made my savings dangerously low and I ended up ending my lease. I ended up reaching out to my mother. I had planned doing so for quite some time now. I obviously missed her and wanted to mend our relationship. She welcomed me, we had a tearful reunion and she's now letting me stay at an apartment she owns downtown and also helped with a couple of other things - she cooks me food among other things. I help with mowing her lawn and I visit her ex-husband in the hospital and bring him food and stuff like that.
So the thing I feel bad about is that my intention of reconnecting with her wasn't 100% emotional reasons, I was also secretly hoping that she would help financially and I'm pretty sure she suspects how low I am on money. I also lied about where I worked - I didn't tell her about the job I worked at for 3 months and I have a feeling she met one of my ex-coworkers who lives near her and told her what my situation is (but this is just a hunch). I also lied that I'm still on unemployment benefits even though I'm not (In my country, it gets cut off after 3 months and I've been unemployed for more than that). I don't want her to think that I only reconnected with her for selfish, financial reasons (and I think that's what she thinks now) but I cannot give her as much as she gives for me because I have no money. I'm looking for a job but getting no callbacks and I feel miserable. Should I address my lies and apologize? Should I keep lying? Am I a psychopath?
If you are worried about being a psychopath, that's a pretty clear sign your aren't one.
I don't know your mom and how she would react, but coming clean to her might be the best way?
"I hid the situation I am in because I wanted to rebuild our relationship without that baggage, but that's no longer possible as my finances have gotten more and more strained"?
Not hate anon, I just don't want to be at a level with this group where we exchange childhood trauma stories. There is very few times I ever even feel like talking about my shit, and I'm no good at supporting people I feel like aren't that close to me in their issues with their chronic illness/mental health/gender/housing/debt etc.
Basically, I have as the woman in the relationship (I mistyped 'bf') grown close to his friends circle since we share a hobby. The friends are kind and smart and interesting but we've developed a level of intimacy I wish I could undo. Does that make sense?
Yes, that makes sense, I understand. I had a friend (that I also played cards with, what a coincidence) that was too personal like that with her traumatalk. It was too much and I ended distancing myself from her even though she's a great fun person.
If I were you I'd tell my bf the whole truth and ask him what's the best way to go about it since he knows both sides best.
I'd say everyone has interests that could be seen as distasteful to someone else (or at least cringe). If someone gives you trouble for whatever it is you like, just write it off as your guilty pleasure or whatever. Personally, I'd just avoid bringing it up at all if it isnt around the right people like the other anon said.
Sometimes certain topics just need the right audience, nothing really wrong with you as a person/interests.
The underlying feeling is one of shame. Whenever I feel shame around something I ask myself if it's harming anyone. If it's not then it's useless shame. A feeling that we'd be better off reserving for actual harmful behaviours instead.
I think my religious upbringing is what got me practising that lol
1. You were a literal child, don't blame yourself
2. If there's anyone to blame, it's your grandfather for not teaching you you shouldn't have been doing that.
I wouldn't bring it up if I were you, especially when you're not sure if he even remembers.
It's okay, anon. You were going through puberty which is a very confusing time for a lot of kids, and it's not uncommon for children to act out sexually during this time. Just remember that your grandpa went through puberty himself, saw his children go through puberty, and saw his grandchildren go through puberty, and probably had friends with children and grandchildren as well. Growing old doesn't necessarily make you smart or mean you will handle things the right way, but with age you inevitably become much more experienced with human experiences like puberty, sexuality, mental health issues, and even death, and you see things like this in a much different way when you are an old person versus when you were 12 or now when you're 24. You're still a baby to him even now. It's okay, he understands.
You may have just been trying to get a rise out of him because you were 12 and wanted to push some boundaries. Also you were probably new to having boobs, and were aware of and probably uncomfortable with the way your body was now being perceived. Like you did some growing, and now men treat you differently, and jokes about boobs make you self conscious. It's not completely unfathomable that you would test them out, so to speak, with someone you were safe with. But the point of the testing wasn't to seduce him, it was to make yourself okay with the new situation you found yourself in.
But anyway you don't need to apologise and you should visit him.
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We are renovating the bathroom at home and the whole thing will take about a month. So no shower, toilet or anything for a whole month.
My brother will stay at his gf's place and my mother at the neighbours, but I have nowhere to go. I'm looking up hotels but shit is expensive for just one person and a whole month.
Tf do I do? I know I can use the bathroom at work but that's pretty much it. The gym has a shower but it's out of function. Guess I could get my hair washed at the salon or diy at home with some water but yea, the showering worries me. Not to mention it's summer.
I'm the same way and actually dropped my phone and broke it a couple days ago, have been beating myself up for being such an idiot ever since.
So maybe I'm not the best person to give advice about this but basically I try to cope by laughing at myself and how clumsy I am instead of hating myself for it. Try to put it in perspective, 'it's just a material object, being clumsy isn't the most awful trait in the world, trying to replace the thing and be more careful from now on is all I can do', etc. Also take it from me, don't procrastinate on buying the toughest phone case that even a toddler couldn't break as soon as you get a new phone
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I want to apply for a part-time job this summer because I want to finally have enough of my own money to build me a pc. The issue is that I've been in uni/grad school for the past five years and the last and only time I had a retail job was when I was in high school. I guess I'm sort of at a loss of what to put on my resume. I have a resume that I made for grad school/applying to internships that lists all of my internship, volunteer, and lab experience, but I'm not sure if any of that matters when I'm applying for a basic counter position at a cafe? Should I try focusing on what little retail experience I have or should I be trying to highlight certain skills? I'm too ashamed to ask any of my irl friends for advice because I know I'm going to sound really naive and privileged for not having to work retail while I was in collge.
I shaved my legs a few days ago and put shorts on. I was only out a few hours and I saw the dotting on my legs where you could see hair ready to pop back in again.
I reshaved today, went out and sat in a park for a bit. Looked down to see the same thing happening but this time I at least had trousers on where I could pull them up or down. I pulled them down again. I'm at the point where every time I shave I get hours out of it and it never feels like the payoff is worth me having a whole ass hot bath and lathering up and all that jazz. I'm 30s so not new to shaving or lacking in the usual tips. It's like fighting a losing battle though. There's meant to be hair there and I'm fighting it and losing again within hours lol. Sometimes it's just more effort than it's worth and you only resent bending to the pressure. I'd rather just wear full length and not have to think about it.
Same, dude! Fuck these Slavic genes, kek. I just shaved 'em today and they're all extra sensitive now. But, for you and >>194536
I highly, highly recommend sugaring. It's an ancient Persian hair removal technique that's like waxing, but nowhere near as painful. And you can make the stuff for like, 2 bucks (water, lemon, sugar).
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I'm fucking tired of mtfs or other gender mixed freaks on dating apl and discord.
The most annoying thing they reveal themselves as mtf when we start dating
I cant found cis lesbian anymore…what should i do femanons?
1. Buy a few staple items, nice jeans/skirts, a couple nice 'dressy' blouses, some tshirts vests etc. A neutral coloured dress.
These can then be mixed/matched with different accessories and keep going until you build a semblance of style, and how you like to look.
2. Don't underestimate haircuts, they keep you looking good, & feeling good.
3. Eyebrows (I personally think threading is the way to go as opposed to waxing)
4. Teeth I know a lot of people that bleach, I haven't but long story short my teeth are fucked, & not natural anymore. (Crowns, not dentures)
I know that staining can be dealt with in a dentists with a deep clean, in regards to preventign further staining use a straw with coffee wine etc.
5. The best weapon in your arsenal is someone who can be honest, don't surround yourself with yes men when asking how you look in something.
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How do you keep going in life when you have nothing worth living for? I have no SO, hardly any family or friends… All I do is work day in and day out at a job that I hate. I don't even have anything to spend the money on so it seems pointless. People look at me and think I'm so successful having my own place and job at such a young age but I'm miserable and I feel like I'm just drifting through life without purpose. There is nothing that I'm passionate at or good and nothing seems to bring me joy…. I keep living for the thought that "One day things will be better" but I don't know if that's true anymore.
You find your own purpose, most ppl place their hopes and dreams in so's, friends, kids, jobs, pets, buying a house, traveling, etc. But most of them aren't truly fulfilled since those things rely on others and circumstances out of your control (like corona happening, you can't travel anymore, or pets/ppl dying). No matter how silly just try things and pick something. If you're in a truly bad spot then getting a pet does help.
Personally I'm working towards eventually having a homestead with wifi because that's the kind of life I like. What kind of life do you like? City, country? Travel or permanent? This country of another? In a close community or isolated? How much do you value a career, do you want to advance or just something to pay the bills? Do you want a family or just an SO? what kind of SO?
Figuring out these kinds of questions can help you narrow down what kind of life would fulfill you most.
I need help figuring out what to do with my life. I don't really care about work. I've never enjoyed any job I've had. The ease of working from a computer is nice but I would be interested in trying manual work or at least something to keep me on my feet. It depresses me to be chained to my desk all day. However, I feel like my family will look down on me because when I mention this they say I can't make a living that way, and that my degree (accounting) will have been for nothing. I don't even do accounting, I do data entry atm. I guess I would want to know if any farmers have experience in these kinds of jobs and what they would recommend? I think I'm a bit worried about the misogyny women face in trades. I'm also a lesbian. Not trying to victimize myself but I have experience in white collar jobs where I've been treated badly by men because of this, so a male-dominated blue collar field doesn't sound that much more appealing.>>194866
nta but I like the idea of homesteading, I've been reading more about it lately but I'm worried I'll just have to find another soul sucking job while homesteading because it will not pay the bills. Are you planning to work remote/part time/full time while homesteading?
Your accounting degree could help alot with having your own buisness and handling the finances. If there's any tradeswomen around I'm sure they'll be happy to get an apprentice. Men can get into trades by just doing classes and that's where they mostly try to beat down women. You can bypass that by becoming an apprentice. But yeah you still have to learn how to handle scrotes, sadly. But I think as you gain physical strength and skill that confidence will come naturally.
If you don't care for luxuries and don't mind the extra work (getting water from well, wood stove, make own stuff like soap, electricity from solar panel) you can get by using very little money after the initial investment.
I plan to have land for my own food (grow with permaculture so not much work involved), grow speciality spices for rich ppl/restaurants, and work remotely doing commisions. So even if one thing doesn't work out there's 2 or 1 other thing to sustain me.
i'm looking into getting my accounting degree – i'm in love with the music industry and hope to either be a personal accountant or work for a record label or s/t, salary be damned. Is there any interest you have that accounting can be applied to? Were you hired by one of the big 4 or did you go a different career route? I'd recommend finding a nonprofit you really care about because you'll be involved in more ways than just accounting but of course if you didn't go that direction for your career disregard that bit. Or are you wanting to step outside of it altogether?
If you're wanting a livable wage thean apply to your local union and learn a trade. I've got a firsthand account that the electrician trade is practically begging for women. Experience doesn't mean shit in a blue collar trade so long as you phrase it right: "I am a clean slate and there will be no bad habits for me to unlearn." will get you more job offers than you think. Brush up on trade vocab to show you have an active interest and boom, you're pretty much in.
But yeah you'll need a thick skin for blue collar trades. I personally don't mind them because it's a fun way to be a polite asshole and once you sharpen your tongue and give it back to them threefold, you'll get respect. But if banter isn't your thing then definitely avoid it. Some people take it too far and don't take kindly to women emasculating them in verbal spars.
1. Start with identifying what body type you have and Google what cuts and shapes would look the most flattering on you
2. Try and figure out what your skin undertone is and find the color palette would look good on you
3. Identify your face shape and what makeup looks the best on you
Random resources that I think are good:https://www.truth-is-beauty.com/color-analysis.html https://www.truth-is-beauty.com/please-explain-contrast.html https://shilpaahuja.com/face-shapes-makeup/https://www.calculator.net/body-type-calculator.htmlhttps://www.youtube.com/c/AudreyCoynehttps://www.youtube.com/c/DearlyBethany
As for teeth, use whitening toothpastes or one of those at-home whitening kits. Hope this helps!
What you're describing is working memory issues, do some googling on executive function to understand it better.
I'm not gonna armchair but you're not "crazy" mentally ill you just have a deficit, sounds like it affects your life negatively. You can seek help for it, and there are meds and techniques that help.
I have ADHD and I notice my working memory is way worse when I'm stressed, so having a healthy lifestyle helps too. It could even be connected to trauma.
Ask for help anon, and don't be afraid to take your time to write things down at work. It's less annoying to ask your boss to slow down or repeat instructions than having to redo work because you didn't want to be a bother.
My notebook is already filled to the brim haha.
Thank you very much for your advice. You know, I've considered ADHD so much in my life, but I always dismiss it because I am a creative person who studies film history and loves art. But then I review myself once more and I notice how symptomatic of adhd I am. What are the core signs of having it in your opinion?
Take this with a grain of salt because it's just my experience, everyone can present differently…
But to me and everyone I know with an ADHD diagnosis, it shows as being amazing at some things (often creative or technical) while being shit at life in general.
Like you could come up with an incredible idea really quickly and save the day at work, but little things like being on time, keeping the house clean, or proactively working on something boring feels IMPOSSIBLE.
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Anons… should I even bother dating as a loser?
Long story short, I was a naive girl and molded a lot of my life to accomodate my now ex, planned and was working to move in with him, then when things got serious he dumped me and I lost 6 years of my life. All gone.
Spent the last 4 years rebuilding my mental health and finding out who I was… but I'm still a fucking loser at 25. I have no friends, family, car, decent job or education. I feel like that's too many red flags for a person even tho I'm slowly working towards changing all this. I'm happy single so I'm not desperate but having a partner would be nice.
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How can I become more open and not be afraid of intimacy? Every time I'm asked something in a social situation it feels so intrusive and I want to just make some shit up so they won't actually get to know me. I KNOW that this stems from my massive fear of intimacy but how the fuck do I get over it
What kind of social situations? Please be aware that 99.99% of the time when people are talking about themselves, they're not giving away truly private info but just showing an image.
Everything from "it's none of your business" to "I'm not comfortable talking about that now" works for getting them off your back if you don't want to play that game.
Nonita, I swear I saw this in another thread and I wish I could properly help. I’m terrible at math so.. but I would say build up from absolute basics that even feel obvious, because there’s always some foundational knowledge I take for granted. That may apply to any math, but it’s especially helpful in algebra. Most popular math websites take you through this progression.
3Blue1Brown is an amazing youtube channel that has lots of interesting topics, and it’s easy to follow. Since I’m at toddler level with my math, I would kinda be at a loss. I used to obsess over fractals and his video is really good, even if I couldn’t grasp the complex shit. Since you have an interest in math you will probably fare better.
Maybe you can find pdfs of textbooks, since they usually have obscene amounts of problems to do, and have the answers so you can see if you’re on the right track. My mom is a mathfag and would enjoy doing problems/questions the most out of anything.
You should check out z library (https://b-ok.cc/
) for free digital books. You can make an account for free to get 10 books in different file types, along with an additional 10 more if you link it to a telegram account. They have books for varying levels of education, including books from elementary up to an expert level, so you can find almost anything you're curious about if you use proper key words.
I have back pain and the one time I went into an appt and said look I'm really not looking for any prescriptions I just want a referral to find the cause… I got talked down to like a child with a fear of swallowing pills? It was a bizarre interaction that still makes me cringe to this day. It was also a stand in doc rather than my usual doc but I've heard other people say that some docs just react badly to any sign that you're trying to lead the appointment in one direction rather than letting them lead. Or if you walk in and have essentially pre-diagnosed yourself they hate that.
People in some of the highest IQ careers still have misunderstandings and bad days and awful moods. It is strange that the dentist didn't see anything though. Are you a paying patient or on a government paid medical card scheme?
I'm on medi-cal, it was 100% insurance discrimination. Honestly I left in tears because it was such an awful experience (including her yelling "you don't have insurance?! This will all be out of pocket!!") Even though her staff gave me written and verbal confirmation that they participate with medi-cal. Then she forced me to produce my ID to show her (which, again, staff already took my details down) before she would proceed. I actually have an appointment tomorrow because I found a dentist office near me that has their own in-house insurance so I'm just going to drop my savings into my teeth because I can't keep putting this off. Medi-cal discrimination is too much.
And thanks, that makes sense. I've had the whole "talk down" for not wanting prescription pain meds too and it's just like…c'mon. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong, not take a pill that will only address my pain. But if I start off with "I don't want pain meds" it just feels weird.
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm fine with pain, don't want the meds for it. But mentioning pain in any medical setting can get real weird real quick and I've faced that more often than not.
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It's so hard for me to make friends. I've gotten so used to being lonely. I don't get along with most people. I wish I did. Me being bad at socializing exacerbates the problem. I have autism as well which I sometimes feel outcasts me more. It's very hard for me to like someone enough to continuously speak to them/end up with a meaningful friendship. I don't want to be a mean girl that doesn't like anybody… I wish I could get along with people more. It feels like I just don't click with most people the people i've met so far. I know there's people out there I'd get along with but how on earth do I meet people like me around me? I don't understand where or how I can make friends? Where do I look to find them?
Christ I'm dealing with the same shit but I guess I'm plain unlikable.
Get a group hobby or do something you like in a group setting, like traveling or classes or some crap. Then you try to talk to people and if all goes well ask them for their socials or for a drink, whichever.
It's difficult af because even at these places people bring their friends so yea, good luck.
How to really make friends:
Have a lot of intuition and self respect. Don't try to be funny on purpose. Socialization skills don't matter much if you are nice and confident and if you force them it will look stupid so just talk to people the most natural way you can. Natural to you, of course.
Have hobbies, search people within hobby clubs and try to see who you vibe the most with. Get to know people with similar interests. Use the bff feature from bumble. If someone feels "off" don't excuse their behaivor just because you're friendless. Move on and try to find someone else. Don't attatch too quick because people can be assholes. Beware of the people who lovebomb you.
Not everyone who has similar interests to you will be good enough to be your friend, it's okay to be selective. Say, you like anime, but there's a ton of people who like shitty waifushit. Your tastes don't have to align perfectly but it's also annoying if you're not in the same communication channel.
It's okay to give second chances, but not thirds. It's okay to say no. Some people might look "perfect" for you but things sometimes just don't happen and that's okay. It's trial and error. Be sure you feel relaxed and calm yourself when you feel like it's turning overwhelming. Being relaxed is a big part of confidence. Find a past-time that makes you feel relaxed and confident and bond over that. Most people don't care if you are a little awkward and I assure you they will be a little awkward too. If they are nice people they will help and understand you, if not then maybe they're not worth your time.
Some people are draining and it's okay to have firm boundaries or outright cut them off, think of your own well being first.
It's okay if frienships don't happen overnight, everyone is different. Be sure the other person puts the same time and energy into the friendship as you do. Don't make them stay if they want to leave, bless them and let them go their merry way.
Try to think possitively about yourself, maybe you don't realize it but other people want to be friends with you too. Fear attracts fear. If you truly want friends you will get them some way or another but you have to be open to it.
Every friend is different, the things you talk with a friend might vary and be completely opposite to what you talk to another. It's completely doable to have both nerdy and normie friends. Sometimes you could even consider it healthy for many reasons. You don't have to belong to a tribe, but people from your same enviorment might be easier to handle. If you are artistic, get artistic friends. If you are sportsy, get sportsy friends. As long as your morals and values align, and their personality goes well with yours, whatever else is just complementary.
None of these things will work for an ugly woman.
Men only want to talk to women they find fuckable. Women want to talk about boys and makeup with their friends, and obviously they can't talk about these things with a permavirgin ugly girl.
If you are an ugly woman better forget about having a social life.
The only chance of making friends is if in the future they make ai companions or robot partners.
Woah, woah. This is the advice thread. You sound bitter and young af because that's not how the world works outside of 18-21 and even then it depends on who you surround yourself with. Are you a scrote or does that attitude follow you offline, making you friendless?>>196402
this advice is quality. 100% this.
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>>196418>Women want to talk about boys and makeup
lmao this was written by a scrote or a tranny so a scrote either way
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This happened awhile ago but I wanted some second opinions as it’s on my mind recently. A few years ago when I was living with my “best friend” turned roommate we had a small party where I got extremely blackout drunk. I literally cannot remember a single thing from that night. Apparently I basically completely stripped down and gave a big show and basically masturbated for everyone as well as kissed a few people, one of whom was in a relationship at the time. I was single at the time if that’s relevant I woke up the next morning and her boyfriend was extremely mad at me even though I genuinely don’t remember kissing her. My friends were drunk but were nowhere near as fucked up as I was. I kind of brushed it off as me being a slur at the time but now that’s it’s on my mind again I really feel like my friends took advantage of me in a way? I know my “best friend” had a crush on me at the time and it seemed like she took an opportunity to get me to do things that night. I don’t talk to any of these people anymore.
Am I overreacting? I also don’t get super drunk anymore because of this night.
thats a completely valid
response anon what they did is so fucked up why would they allow it to go on the hell..your friends supposed to look after you and protect you from doing stupid shit when you're too intoxicated and vulnerable. He has no right to be mad at you he should be mad at your friends for not taking care of you. I'm sorry you had to go through that, you should definitely have higher standards for your friends don't put up with shitty people.
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Easy steps to make female friends, from a fellow former "lol I only have guy friends bc no drama" dum-dum:
1. Listen and ask them about themselves
2. Go and do stuff with them
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Everytime I try to be girly and force myself out of my introvert tomboy shell (think, no makeup, fear of wearing anything even slightly revealing, feminine clothes (skirts, dresses, etc.) I feel like complete and utter shit.
I start thinking negative thoughts: I look ugly, I have nasty legs, knees, no figure, what am I doing if I can't even dress like a proper woman, why even try, etc.
If I manage to get myself past the mirror disgust, I just end up covering up when I go out, or rushing home and changing back to my norm of sweatpants and shirt. FFS I even have this stupid fear that guys are staring at me and remarking about how much of a loser I am.
Does/did anyone ever deal with this? Tips?
…I'm working on the shit self esteem too. I'm going to college soon and I really don't want to be the meek, self-hating little girl anymore.
It sounds like in your head you're conflating being girly & dressing femininely with becoming confident and extroverted.
Not to be harsh but the reason you feel ridiculous in "revealing, feminine clothes" is because such clothing is, inherently, degrading. Men do not walk around with booty shorts and drop necklines and shirts that show their belly because doing so is humiliating. The "average" woman has just been trained from a young age to be used to wearing humiliating clothing. There's no other way to describe things like high heels, whose only purpose is to make you unsteady ("dainty") on your feet and make your butt "look good", or skirts where you have to constantly beware of accidentally flashing your underwear, etc. >does/did anyone ever deal with this?
Yeah, when I was 16-17 I went through this same phase of believing I had to start dressing "like a real woman" in order to show I was serious and not a geeky immature loser. I went out and bought a ton of dresses and skirts second hand, even though when I tried them on in-store my gut reaction was "this feels weird and wrong". Wore them to a couple social gatherings and felt like a piece of meat on display the whole time (because I was, that shit is revealing and form-fitting) not to mention being physically uncomfortable and immobile from the shoes and the skin tight fabric and not being able to touch my face all day because of my makeup. Idk what happened but one day I woke up and was like "hang on, this is bullshit, i'm not 'immature' for not wanting to wear this crap" and haven't touched any of it again since. >>197209
saw your reply while writing mine and I agree 100%. Go out and work on your confidence and social skills while wearing clothing that makes you comfortable. As long as you're not dressing like a complete unwashed slob and are clean, there's nothing wrong with dressing comfortably and casually. How often do you see everyday men wearing outfits that look physically uncomfortable? I digress.
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Good point. I dunno though, it just feels odd that I should have this much hesitation/fear around being somewhat traditionally feminine. I want to, but at the same time, I don't. But yeah, I'll keep working on my introversion, thanks anon.>>197214
Tbf like the other anon said I'm not trying to specifically wear overtly revealing clothes; I find that kind of dress unappealing anyway. Pic attached is kinda like what I'm trying to at least branch into. But what you describe feeling is exactly how I feel wearing things considered traditionally feminine, even as tame as pic attached.
But fair point.. i also see traditionally feminine things, outside of skincare, as a total waste of time (cuz i cant do it properly lol). I'll try the teensiest bit of eyeliner and feel stupid 5 minutes after. I hate shopping, etc. I guess it shouldnt make me feel less like a female, but teen girls on instagram sure do make me feel a helluva lot inadequate.
Working out is a good idea though, and I'm working on it! Trying to.
I just dont wanna stick out like a sore thumb in a southern conservative uni.
>>197209>>197214>It sounds like in your head you're conflating being girly & dressing femininely with becoming confident and extroverted. >Why couldn't you choose to break out of your introversion without choosing to wear clothes that give you anxiety?
NTA Are you saying give up your style even if you really like it? I mean I really like how the clothes look on other women except I feel humiliated in them, and I don't understand how those women can wear them when in my case it's so uncomfortable.
I always put my humiliation in feminine clothes down to low self-esteem too. I've tried to push past it my entire life and can't so I ended up thinking "I'm just not thin or pretty enough, I have to improve my appearance and then I'll look good and feel fine, this is my fault" but I was basically objectifying myself to suit the clothes. Even after "improving", wearing them just made me feel even more sexualised outside. Popular feminism tells women ignoring any discomfort is empowering and a way of taking control, it's confidence - if you disagree then oh, it's because you're ugly, insecure, a misogynist who looks down on femininity, you let men force you to cover up, or you must be manly. Such a mindfuck.
I changed my style by taking baby steps. First I bought second hand skirts (many different cuts and length but no miniskirt) and I tried them with the clothes I already had. No girly color, only grey, black, navy… I wore them at least twice a week. When I got more comfortable I added some color. Then I worked on the tops, and changed my tee shirt for blouses or "feminine" teeshirts. When I felt OK with everything, I thought of colors and chose 3 basic color (navy, cream and burgundy) and few accent color (red, light blue, light brown-golden and light pink). I have a few pieces that don't match this color chart but I mostly follow it. I took the time to figure out what I liked (love plain bottoms and patterned top, embroidered shoes with low heels, no earrings, no black).
Now I only wear colorful long skirt because I hate the feeling of wearing pants (and pigs staring), but dislike showing too much skin. It took me 3 years to figure out my style and it will change a little more every year. So don't worry and just take it slow. Take the time to figure out the cuts and color you like. Don't buy too much, maybe 2 pieces a month (second hand is better in the beginning). Sell/throw away what you don't want to wear again ( I sold or threw away all my joggings and ugly sweater) . Dress up even at home, but if it's too uncomfortable don't bother trying to wear it outside. Good luck anon!
Feel like this is somewhat related to what you're saying. I've been experimenting with different hairstyles to wear so that my hair is out of my face during the summer. I really like following tutorials on Youtube rather than just throwing my hair into a ponytail and calling it a day, but then I always get too self-conscious to wear these hairstyles in public. It's not like I'm doing anything crazy either and I personally think they look really cute, but I'm just really self-conscious of people looking at me even if it's to compliment me. Don't know how to work my way up to being comfortable with this shit, but I agree with you that the root of the problem is definitely self-esteem.
However, I will say that if you're nervous about people internally judging you for what you're wearing I promise that no one cares enough to single you out for how you look unless you're wearing something really outrageous. You aren't ugly, but you probably just aren't used to seeing yourself in 'girly' clothes, which is why you think it looks weird. I also second what other anons are saying. Don't feel pressured to dress a certain way because it's how a 'proper' woman would dress. I'm not sure where you're from, but I remember when I was in college (which wasn't that long ago kek) most girls didn't dress stereotypically 'girly'- not even the ones who were pretty fashionable.
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Is it a bad idea to apologize to my ex 2 years later? Hear me out: he's been subtly contacting me (anonymously, but it's unmistakably him) and I vaguely responded but I don't want to lead him on or make him think I'm wide open for him to mess with me. I want to be mature and neutralize the interaction as much as possible–everyone (including himself) is convinced that he sucked ass but I honestly was displaying some uncharacteristically BPD behavior during the breakdown of our relationship because I was having trouble processing/coping with being raped while studying abroad and I didn't tell him and if he's trying to signal that he isn't over things or feels bad, I want to shut it down asap.
He's the kind of person that loves brooding and lamenting his failures so I'm worried he'll go on thinking he ruined things between us (and make the same mistakes with the next girl) when really I was just nuts. I was his first gf (I was 21 and he was 25) and I feel responsible for him even though I typically have a strict "I am not your mother" policy with men. Ugh I don't know what to do, maybe he's totally fine and I'm just being insane.
Do you live in an area where your DOC is illegal? How illegal is it? You may have put off red flags that made them ghost you. Especially if you're a newbie.
Sage for blogpost but I knew someone who turned down dealing out 10g of wax (big $$$ in that state) because the guy first wanted bud, changed his mind, then wanted only wax, and wanted to meet up instead of having it dropped off. Dealer said no because the drastic change of price point and pickup point made him think dude was turning him in. Something similar may have happened? More deets would help but yeah, sounds like you were ghosted. Dealers have the liberty to pick and choose their clientele.
Sex (or rather, orgasm) releases bonding hormones in womens' bodies that don't show up in men's. Trying to keep sex separate from feelings for women is fighting against chemistry, so it's usually a losing battle. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2031498/Sex-Why-makes-women-fall-love--just-makes-men-want-MORE.html
That aside, you sound like you don't have the appropriate level of maturity for this in the first place. Not being a bitch, just going off what you've said yourself: You develop crushes easily on people you don't know and your ego gets a boost when you become the focus of a man's desire, the most abundant resource in the universe. You seem to have low self esteem and difficulty looking at men objectively, and frankly you still seem "too insecure and emotional" for whatever passing pleasure you get from hooking up to outweight the stress, anxiety and self doubt it also brings you.
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Bump since the wise advice giving farmers have seemed to arrived kek. I guess changing my behavior is enough to change theirs too, no?
NAYRT but I was in a similar situation to you before. I caught feelings very
easily, and in one case, lost a friend because I picked dick over her. >>197544
really hit the nail on the head.>your ego gets a boost when you become the focus of a man's desire
This is 100% true for me and it really ended up fucking with my image of myself. I developed a bad relationship with food (not full on ED but definitely not healthy) and equated my self worth with how desirable I was for sex.
I can't really give advice, because even coming out of the other end of what a mess this is, I don't even know what to say. Learning to love yourself is a long, arduous journey that I'm still on. Mine started when I dated someone who 1) actually wanted a relationship with me (all of my fwb told me "I like you too, but I don't want a girlfriend right now" before eventually getting a girlfriend anyway lol), and 2) we didn't start our relationship with sex. It was very jarring for me to have someone pursue me just for my company and my very being than for what I could provide to them sexually. We broke up and never had sex, but it was an important relationship where I was treated with the respect and love that I have always deserved but never been given.
It's kind of shitty to depend on someone else for your own growth, but it was important for me to experience it. I hope you'll realize that you are worthy of people's love, time, and attention without using your body for it. In the months after my break up, I spent a lot of time with good friends, and a lot of time reading self help books- common sense isn't so common, especially when going through periods of depersonalization. I sorted out my life and gave real thought to my values.
Also, I honestly think my terribly high libido is what got me fucked over in the first place. Once it died off because of my depression, I stopped bothering to seek out men and just focused on myself for once because I had the brain capacity to think about making my life fulfilling in ways other than having a dick in me.
You were right. I spoke to my fiancée about feeling like her patient and not her partner and she told me that she hates the fact that there's nothing she can do to stop my cancer, that she just has to sit there and watch me get nuked with radiotherapy and hope for the best. She's actually been getting me all sorts of vitamins and herbal supplements lately and I feel like a selfish asshole for not realising that was her trying to feel the tiniest sensation of control over our situation. And it is our
situation because you're right, she's affected too. I had to swallow my pride and admit that wanting to have sex is mostly my ego trying to prove I'm still desirable physically. But saying that out loud made me realise how dumb it is. I just want my best friend back, I just want her to feel like she doesn't need to monitor me 24/7. So we set aside some time this evening to geek out with some YouTube vids and the C word was banned from being mentioned. It's a small step, but it helped. Thank you, nonita. I needed to realise how much the lack of control affects us both.
For rhythm, Ensemble Stars (vid I posted) is pretty fun and there's lots of boys to choose from. Story can get a bit dramatic but the music + 3D MVs are entertaining, I usually stay for the latter aspect since I got into it through watching the MVs on YouTube. Project Sekai (Vocaloid) is also great, sliight moid pandering-leaning due to the gender imbalance of the cast but the female characters are adorable, not too sexualized and the boys are super cute too. IDOLiSH7 is another rhythm gacha for women, I personally think the game itself is meh for a rhythm game but the story is top-tier. If you want to check out the story first and decide to play later, you can watch the anime which adapts it pretty well.
If you want otome, Mihoyo is releasing a very high quality one at the end of July called Tears of Themis, I tried the beta and it was fun! Prereg link below if you're interested. I haven't played the following otome/joseimuke games myself (I'm very new to them) but I've heard good things about them: Obey Me, A3 and Mahoyaku.
Do you mind games that aren't translated in English? There's also Twisted Wonderland & Helios which are good and aimed at women. The former, TW
, has very simple gameplay but I find the cast and story really entertaining so if you want you can just watch the main story which I've linked below. I keep the app around because I like collecting pretty cards but it updates with new stories quite slowly, depending on your schedule that can be a pro or con. Helios is great. There are translations by fans so you can keep up-to-date via them, once again you're likely to be downloading it on your phone if you enjoy collecting pretty cards but the gameplay with Helios is definitely far more interesting than TW
so if you're into that too then check it out.
I know my original reply was dry but I was sincere when I meant gacha helps. Like you and the original anon, I have no passion for living. Distracting myself and enjoying gacha helps me get through the day and gives me an incentive to turn up to work. How else will you buy your best boy his new PNG outfit?
Themis prereg https://tot.mihoyo.com/pre_registration/#/
Twisted Wonderland main story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQT-tm9DfDw&list=PLagN_G2VW8b9wAZs8c5ItREjuvGo3o8dM
Gacha games are designed to make you an addict, it's the stupidest thing to deliberately, knowingly get into. Especially >>194857
, gacha isn't going to give your life purpose.>>197742
Honestly try finding a passion or hobby, even a mild interest will do. Media just serves as mindless escapism, which isn't always a bad thing, but gacha is the worst form of it. In the long run you'll feel better if you find yourself something that you genuinely enjoy doing in your free time. If you've got the money to waste on gacha, then you've likely got the money to explore an array of different interests and hobbies until you find something you like.
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Eeey, sounds like trauma bonds. >>197835
is right but also read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It's easy to find for free online. What you're feeling for this guy isn't love and I think you recognize that, but at this stage you've tied up your self worth so deeply in his meaningless and shifting standards that you're addicted to trying to satisfy him. You need to break the cycle and get away. Do everything you can to prevent yourself from ever contacting him again. Then start working on your self esteem and learning how to prioritize yourself, your feelings and your well being so you never feel dependent on someone else for validation again.
(Also I'm not intending to be mean with the pic, I just wanted an excuse to use it kek.)
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>>197762>I feel like dating is destroying my mental health.
Stop then. Seriously. If your self esteem is so fragile that a relative stranger of a month and a half makes you feel broken hearted because he didn't want a relationship with you, then you probably shouldn't be focused on dating. Especially in the case of men, where they tend to drop women who seem to have standards and they know won't be an easy lay. You should consider it a bullet dodged. The vast majority of people in the world think finding love/a healthy partnership is just a natural part of life. This is a mistake. It's a combination of doing a lot of work on yourself and even more so, luck. Most relationships are far more dysfunctional than they look on the surface and one or both people are accepting intensely shitty behavior because they're too terrified and/or think they're incapable of being happy alone. The only reason people seemed to have better relationships in the past is because women literally needed
men to buy a home, get an education, and have social/financial stability. Your other options sans husband were maybe factory worker or whore. Now that men aren't guaranteed a free bangmaid simply for existing they're still operating under the assumption that women should be counting their blessings to clean up their streaky underwear and have orgasm-free sex. If a guy can't see your value and prioritize you then it's his loss, not yours. It seems like you have a lot of good going on in your life, so rather than lamenting the one aspect you lack, start learning to truly appreciate all the things you do have.
Make a list of cool, fun, and exciting stuff you want to do in your life that has nothing to do with another person. Then pick something and do it/work towards doing it/make a plan to do it, depending on how big a goal this is. Visiting a museum in your city, traveling somewhere, trying whatever food, finally watching x movie, taking a knitting class, saving up for something you've always wanted, learning a language. Working to make space in my head for self-centered (in the most literal sense) thinking that's all about happiness and achievement and pleasure for me and me alone really helped me when my fiance and I broke up after a similar length of time. The first thing I did was re-do my apartment according to exactly what I
wanted, especially all the super-girly stuff I felt like I couldn't do with him around. I also indulged whims (within reason) as quickly as possible – like, one day I remembered how much fun I used to have at water parks, so I googled the closest one and went with a friend the next week.
This was maybe a little easier for me than most, depending on your ex – mine wasn't the worst kind of gamer scrote, but realizing I was basically going to do the same amount of housework but that none of it was going to come from anyone else's mess was the first thing to make me feel joy again, lol. But this kind of list-making really did help. And anon, I know you probably know this, but it's so completely normal that nights are hard and the sudden loneliness has surprised you. Ten years is a long fucking time! I promise, it will not sting like this forever.
Idk much about computers but I still need a decent one so I use logicalincrements.com, just picking within my price range gets me a decent enough pc with minimal research involved or knowledge required. I'm not up to the actual physical building of a pc, so I get the computer store to do it and if there's anything incompatible or missing from the build they let me know.
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My brother has been brainwashed by white supremacist memes, and is always speaking in these memes to make fun of aboriginals, racemixers and nonwhites in general.
If I try to talk about issues that are not related to white people he just says that he does not care, and thats it.
He also thinks that marginalised people are unhealthy/fat souly becuase of their own behaviour and nothing to do with how they and their ancestors were/are treated, but when its WHITE people, all their problems are becuase of jews and nonwhites ruining society…
I can’t fucking talk to my brother about anything.
I tried telling on him in to our parents so they could help him but they only care about his job prospects, my brother says I can’t tell on him in again or else he will cut me out of his life.
Thank you non, I saved this pic lol. I’ve actually been reading that since it was recommended here before: (in case anyone was looking for it) https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n1/mode/2up
My ex is not abusive
nor a bad guy but we definitely are codependent
I’ve cut him off for 2 days so far…. hopefully I’ll practice some self control in the weeks to come
First things first, you have to stop thinking of yourself as a person to whom things happen to. Everything you do and don't do is a choice. You could have an SO and you could have friends, but you chose not to. What's stopping you? >nothing seems to bring me joy
Have you actually tried things? Or you just passively waiting something that will happen to you that you will hopefully enjoy? If you go out and do as many things you can, from doing a basket weaving course to trying bungee jumping the chances of you enjoying something out of that will go up. You just have to fight your own passivity and actively look for things to enjoy
I don't have an answer for you, nonny
, but I wish I did bc we could be twins. My last hope is waiting for my new job's benefits to kick in so I can finally find out if I'm an autist or not. I really feel your frustration and confusion from not knowing why everyone always makes you the butt of the joke & nitpicking things you do (I've vented abt this myself soo many times), but just know that despite our weird awkwardness, it usually comes from a place of jealousy and/or pettiness. Love!
I've had teachers and other adults trying to get me in front of a specialist for an assessment several times through my chidlhood since Kindergarten, I've also had people ask me if I'm autistic before. I guess it's apparent, but from my POV I don't really "get" autism so I'm only thinking I have it bc of the sheer frequency of how often people have asked me or assumed I was autistic. I was raised in a small, rural town with a selfish asshole narc mom who screamed at me that I was NORMAL my entire life so I never got to see those specialists my teachers tried to get my mom to take me to. For some reason my mom has alwaya been disgusted with the idea of me possibly being autistic and always has been, I've never known why. I've always had trouble keeping friends and my entire family treats me like I'm half there or half retarded and I never understood why.
Basically, I don't believe I/we get treated so much differently than everyone else juat for the fuck of it. People notice something about us that's different and it makes them uncomfortable. I think having a name for it might help, like if I'm "autistic" instead of just an "awkward freak" then it's no longer funny to just shit on me and take advantage of me being "naïve" and "gullible" (which, idk why it ever is to begin with?) and so maybe I can put a stop to it. I'm just trying to quietly live my life without always feeling like I'm under a microscope and everyone's waiting to rudely ask why and how I do everything so they can make fun of the reason. How are we living in a time that is pretending to be SO PC that all this gender equality stuff is popping off, yet a regular person trying to live life is nitpicked and harassed for being only slightly different? Honestly sometimes it feels like it happens just bc I don't have a label or aesthetic I dress up as.
Did the guy ever ask your friend out? It's retarded to expect a shy girl to ask a guy out if that guy and her friend both know she likes him. Idk if you're a literal whore, but you sure do think like more of a whore than a friend, so she was at least half right.
Talking her up to him doesn't do anything but make you
look like a good friend to him
, but unless he asks her out or you tell him to ask her out, or tell her to ask the him out, it doesn't benefit your friend at all. Scrotes won't ask girls out anymore becaus their "friends" will do two faced shit like what you did, and why not? The guys get easy pussy without the risk of being shot down by a nervous girl they actually like. Notice how the relationships with the girls who swoop in with their own agenda never end up lasting? Because it's selfish from the beginning, tbqh. See >>198561
, him getting with you despite liking her shows that your friend dodged a bullet losing both of you to each other, so really you did her a favor.
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Anons, I really need an outside perspective but have nowhere else to ask.
Should I pay for an "university IT course"? Not sure how to explain it but basically you pay and join a 225h long program to become a (front end) dev. I'm too poor and honestly dumb for regular college even with a student job.
Now here's the problem: I have no idea if finishing the program would actually give me any kind of advantage in the work field or not and on top of that it costs 2k € which is about 90% of my savings. If it turns out it's not worth it then I'm fucked really really hard. My family uses my savings to pay whenever an unexpected cost arises and eventually they pay back. But without the savings we could run into a lot of problems so it's a big gamble. It sucks that they both depend on me but getting a better paying job in IT could help me get away from them finally and become somewhat (financially) independent.
Should I take the shot or keep studying on my own despite not being very good at it?
TLDR: pay 2k € for a IT program with a chance to fuck up my life financially or just keep grinding on my own where it might take years to even enter the field because I'm not good at it
The average salary is around 500€ more or less so yea, it took me 2 years to save up the money.
It's a pretty well known private university but the reviews are mixed or almost none existent because my country doesn't have that many online forums/user so often times you'll find posts from like 2016 or 2006 etc, which is far from up to date. Most people just go to a college and that's it.>>198624
There are but none give you a free certificate/diploma whatever that actually means anything
It's 100% a scam.>There are but none give you a free certificate/diploma whatever that actually means anything
Certificates and diplomas don't mean shit for dev jobs, you need a good portfolio.
2 grand to be a front end dev?
That's pretty expensive.
A lot of what goes into a front end dev is educating yourself and learning more as you go; it is a lot of independent study and realistically you'd be better off to keep the money for a rainy day.
Try freecodecamp.org, it's free and it's very well made. Good luck, anon!
I know a friends friend like this too but I also know people who didn't land a job in the field for years. Must be luck or connection>>198627
That's true, but compared to a student that has a whole education I'm at a disatvantage no matter the portofolio (at least what I heard from others experience), that's why I thought it could maybe help me stand out more.>>198628
I'm currently finishing up a bootcamp from Udemy but I guess freecodecamp will be next
Sorry for sounding so negative, but you anons helped me amke up my mind. Guess I'll keep studying on my own and see where it'll go
Fellow depresso anon here.
You could try microdosing, why not. Nothing to lose there, really.
If you find yourself in anxiety feedback loops about having no motivation to do anything, then feeling guilty about not having done anything, I found that meditation helped center myself and come out with a more self affirming clean slate. Just use guided meditation audio or videos (I use Headspace). If you can get CBT therapy specifically it may be more useful.
(Blogpost incoming) I have tried medication and it just made me feel numb in all the ways, now I'm trying out some supplements that were suggested by a methylation test based on my genome and I'm surprisingly finding that my emotional baseline has stabilised itself and I'm able to enjoy life more, like it feels right for once.
It feels weird to know that my brain has been sabotaging me all along, but also so relieving because it wasn't really my fault that my brain chemistry is inclined to just yeet all the happy chemicals out.
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Kinda specific situation and also worrying in advance but maybe some other anon experienced something similar and has some wisdom to share.
I'm from eastern europe, going to meet my westerner bf family for the first time in a few weeks, I know some people from his family are very snobbish and judgemental and I'm worried they'll treat me like a stereotypical gold digger (his grandma has already criticized his choice of girlfriends in the past even though they were from his country, so I imagine she won't love me for sure). Do you think there's anything I can do to prevent that? And if that happens should I react in any way? Of course I fully expect my boyfriend to defend me but it just terrifies me I'm about have the worst time being seen as some leech intruder there or whatever.
>>198660>Do you think there's anything I can do to prevent that?
No>And if that happens should I react in any way?
No, just leave and dump him because odds are he's like that too.
I know you'll think he's wonderful and your Nigel would never do it, but disrespect from a moid shows in the little things, and it shows years down the line.
Anon, first of all, I'm sending you love and strength. Second, I was in this exact situation two weeks ago.
I had two oral exams on the same week. I pulled back from the first one a minute before the professor called me because I was feeling extremely stressed, anxious and unprepared while I was waiting for my turn. I cried after it, but felt so liberated and proud of myself for not putting myself on a bad, unnecessary moment. Before the second exam, I cried two nights on a row and felt like you, but knew that this time, I had everything on my favour and had to face my fear, like you say. The day of the exam I felt confident and I even had a good time, because the professor was very nice and understanding.
My advice would be to reflect on your cicurmstances, feelings, options and follow your instinct. Don't listen to anyone else, ditch all the expectations of other people from your system and talk to yourself. Reflect if taking this exam, in this state, is something you need or you don't. Both things are possible, we have to find the balance between pushing ourselves for our best, and letting ourselves rest and recharge.
However, you are not a disappointment for not taking an exam and putting your health first. I actually think it's the most mature thing to do, as long as you aren't sabotaging yourself
>>198649>I want someone to tell me its okay to put my mental and physical health first for once but I know thats bad advice.
This is not bad advice; you SHOULD take care of yourself first, always. Remember how they say if the plane you're on is crashing, put your mask on before you try to help someone else? Same principle, you can't help anyone if you are the one who needs help.
If you can retake the exam, then talk to your instructor and see if you can just take it later because you have a lot on your plate and are feeling overwhelmed. Ask about extra credit you can do to help your grade, that should help take a bit of the pressure off when dealing with the exams. For oral exams, treat them like a monologue in a play: pre-script the entire thing and learn your lines, then you can prepare yourself and won't feel so on the spit. Also may be dumb advice but drink some spring water during the day and as you study, beleive it or not a splash of cold water really can helpsl you feel better when your anxiety is starting to creep (at least it does mine anyway).
Remember that almost everyone is having a tough time these days, so it's okay to let people know if you need to slow down or need help, don't think you'll get i trouble or be seen as some idiot slowpoke failure because of it because you aren't and you won't.
It's only temporary, and once you get past it you'll be done with it for good! You can do it anon, I believe in you! You can do all the things!!
I see questions like this come up alot and tbh if he doesn't 'shield' you against his family then he's not worth sticking with. Married anons often vent about this down the line too. He's meant to either liaise for you or if he's letting you just be uncomfortable or disrespected then he's not doing enough. Pay attention to whether he truly sticks up for you and whether he has some balls and does that in front of them. That's a big indicator or what's to come.
If he won't do that now it'll only get worse over time. Don't commit to any man who just lets you stress the fuck out over his mom. View this as his shit to deal with. It shouldn't be on your shoulders.
Been there. Panicked (ugly crying, heart attack feeling, couldn't breathe, threw up, all the essentials) and didn't go to a very important exam in university. Once I got over my guilt, I convinced myself that this is actually better because I imagined that in one semester, I'd get over the anxiety and would ace the exam. One semester later…I experienced the exact same level of anxiety
but this time I went in and did it (still threw up and uglycried in the bathroom right before it).
Afterwards I remember feeling…disappointed almost? because there was no GRAND TERROR that would have justified my panicking. It was just a room full of students, and everyone was given one topic that we had to talk about. The teacher looked bored and you could see that he wanted to be somewhere else. Someone was playing with their water bottle. The clock was ticking. The birds were chirping outside. Then everyone went home. The end. My point is, my overactive imagination hyped the exam up into this 'YOU HAVE TO DO THIS IMPOSSIBLE BIG THING AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE JUDGED' scenario, whereas the reality was anything but that. Perhaps you might be doing the same?
I mean, everything's up to you, I think Covid is a pretty good reason to skip an exam but if you're better, I'd go for it, it's better to face your fears then avoid them. Good luck!
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Should I go to a gynecologist about this? I can’t find my clit or vaginal hole, I don’t think I’m even confident enough to insert a tampon in, and I’m disgusted/scared with the idea of inserting anything into my vagina, even my own fingers. I’ve never been to a gyno before but is it possible to get them to help me with this? I feel like they could help by putting something (like a medical device or even their fingers) so I at least know where it is and what it feels like to have something inside it, and realized it’s not that bad, as well as pointing out where my vag/clit is (medical diagrams aren’t very useful to me)
Can you talk to your doctor about getting therapy? I don't know your life situation but you can't cope with life by getting blackout drunk 3 times a week. Heavy weed smoking would be the better option obviously but you should really try to face the reasons why you act like this.
You've been lucky so far that you've blacked out at home with your boyfriend. A friend of mine who struggled with alcohol came to herself one day with a broken tooth and no idea what even happened. Blackout drunk behaviour can be so dangerous. You might not be safe at home one day.
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hello there, i just wanted to vent in and ask for advice, i am 18 and i currently look for help regarding my feminity.
first of all, i wanted to say that i got my first periods really early, at 8, and the rupture was really violent to me, especially the second my mom told me "you're a woman, now!" and proceeded to separate me from my male relatives during family dinners etc (muslim household) and since then i just adopted a really masculine posture, i would beg for my mom to bring me to the hairdresser to get my hair shorter, but she refused, i ended up saving my pocket money to get my short haircut and she ended up accepting it after all once my hair was cut. as for clothing, she'd let me wear nothing too short or too long, so i ended up dressing in the men's aisle without her knowing. but if we had a wedding in our family, she'd force me to wear a kaftan (traditional moroccan attire for women) and each time i'd live that as a betrayal and violent episode.
during my whole life i never got friends with women, they would bully me, actually, and men would find me too ugly to even fit in "one of the boys" i began to hate myself but especially women, and so did myself began to browse 4chan boards like pol or ic where they always shit on women, i hated it because i didnt find myself in the group they called "women", i just found the kind of women i hated and i got in a loophole where i'd hate women so much i considered transioning to become a man. i never got farther than wearing binders (which i sold, all of them) and now im stuck, looking ahead without this fakeboy mask, and i realize how lonely i am and how masculine i am, too much to please the thirstiest lesbian but not too much to be a man (im hairy, dark haired, i only have a sort of hourglass / pearish body frame).
>i just hate everything about my womanhood because i kept on rejecting it and now it's biting me in the ass. i just want to become feminine, be called cute, pretty and have a group of female friends i could speak with, all subreddits are filled with hons and same with discord, i'm not lesbian, im straight so i cant fit in the radfem groups if i wanted to get a safe space full of actual women.
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For the past year or so, sex has been a difficult thing to navigate through. For a period of 3-4 months(earlier this year and during winter a bit) my boyfriend didn't want to have sex, said sex didn't feel good because he was depressed, and for a while there it made me really manic and act in toxic ways but I stepped back and realized I wasn't with him just for sex but because I enjoy spending time with him and he is my best friend.
We live together and work completely opposite schedules, and this won't change until he gets his current comic he's working on published. He works 11pm-7:30am and I work 7am-12:30pm. At around 1pm he settles down to sleep for work, and by the time he is getting up for work I'm trying to sleep. The only time we get to spend together are Mondays and Tuesdays on our days off but he sleeps during the day to maintain his schedule. We have sex maybe once a month, and now it's become the most awkward and sometimes straight up unpleasant sex that ends in neither of us orgasming. I can't get out of my head enough to enjoy it, because we have both become incredibly awkward and barely say anything during sex (even if I'm trying to egg him on by talking dirty). He says he's started having chronic pain and that it's why he can't enjoy sex sometimes. I know he is still attracted to me because he will tell me how much he misses me at work, and we still have semi-frequent oral. (maybe once a week or every 2 weeks) At this point we've just recognized my libido is way higher than his, but it still affects my self esteem, especially considering our dry spell that lasted for months. I try not to equate my self worth to how frequently we have sex but I just miss when we use to have mind-blowing sex and when I used to feel connected with him. I think his schedule is ruining our relationship but we've talked about it so much I just have no idea what to do. Today we started having sex and it was fine at first, until it eventually just got incredibly silent and we could both tell I was out of it. After we decided to stop, he asked if I was still attracted to him, and told me he thinks I should start having sex with other people because he thinks he has started to ruin my perception of sex. The thing is I don't want to have sex with other people. I just miss having good sex with him. It goes so much deeper than all of this, for a weeks after our dry spell I would cry during sex because I was too in my head and worried it didn't feel good for him or that he felt too pressured, and my self esteem had just plummeted. It's hard for me to feel sexy around him now. I feel completely out of touch with my sexuality, and sometimes really out of touch with him sexually. I don't know if I should get a therapist or what. I love him and he is my best friend but sometimes this all becomes way too much. Sorry if it's a lot to read, I don't know how to tl;dr this haha.
Those are strange hours he works, like what does he do that confines him to such shitty hours? It's also bizarre that he would tell you to seek sex from others because he can't step up and fuck you passionately. Like is he glued to a desktop or something and wacking off while you're sleeping. Could he not forgo a bit of sleep sometimes to make a point to romance you?
He sounds like an ex I had. We started out with great sex but he went indifferent. Was inaudible during sex while I tend not to be, but it felt awkward af because I was emotive and he was giving me nothing back. It led to us having a dry spell that turned into something like 3 years i shit you not. He eventually even went off tongue kissing because he claimed it would make him horny but he didn't want to have sex?? We just did the odd hand jobs to each other as some shitty compromise. My attraction faded to him indefinitely.
I don't know how long you're together but hitting a patch where for a year or so the sex sounds pretty lacking/isn't happening as much and is awkward when it does.. that sounds like the relationship died a natural death already and you're both hanging on in spite of the obvious. Sex slowing is one thing but it becoming awkward is a major warning sign imo.
I know in the past I've hit rough patches with sex drive and I would treat it as 'oh sex isn't the be all anyway' but it is a large part of what makes it a relationship. Sometimes you find yourself slipping into being more like friends and roommates and it's hard to let go because well at least you're not screaming and fighting. The guy is telling you to go fuck other people though.. It's over.
Although he can't directly change his libido, is he seeking professional help in managing his chronic pain and other things that affect his libido? If he values his relationship with you, he needs to take meaningful steps in doing that. Chronic pain can also be a result of stress. As part of being committed to your relationship, he may also have to take steps to manage his workload and reduce his stress.
On your end, it seems like your self esteem and anxiety might be affecting how connected you feel during sex. A therapist could be helpful for that, but in the meantime it might be helpful to lower your expectations for mindblowing sex, mentally stay focused on the small things that make you and him feel connected and work your way back up to sex that feels emotionally and mentally good.
Overall this schedule is really bad for your relationship. Are they any compromises he and you can make to set aside quality time together?
Nta, but a lot of what you're talking about is impossible to "take steps to fix" if you're poor.
From personal experience, sex with a long-term ex bf was worst when he had a soul-sucking body-ruining factory job and it and his depression only lifted when he managed to work his way out of that.
We talked a lot about it and problems stemming from it, but one thing he didn't do was tell me to get sex elsewhere. What the fuck. This has nothing to do with his job. I don't know what his deal is, but it's not good.
sorry for the wall of text I'm a bpdfag that needs help
So I fought my mom 3 days ago when I told her to stop the favoritism between my siblings and I, and to stop loading all the blame unto me while treating the rest of my siblings which last time ended up in my sister committing suicide and her covering it up from the rest of the gossiping aunties because she felt shame that her daughter died in such a way.
So I yell on top of my lungs at 3am because she won't remove my sister thats having her laptop open while I'm trying to sleep, I cried because I have sleep problems that ruined my mental health for years and my school/work life, that no one wants to acknowledge
At first she laughs at me and she thinks I will laugh back, but I shove her away and tell her I'm so tired of her bullshit so she says "why would you shove your mother" and I tell her, with all the shit she's done i wouldnt hesitate throwing a glass at her head
So she starts getting serious, and she asks why, which i explain, and she responds
"You can just sleep, the devils are getting to your head that's why you are yelling at your mother", I ask if she thinks I'm angry because of "the devils", and she says yes, and I ask her, whenever she negged me if that was the devils in her head telling her to do so and she stops talking, I explain that I can't sleep with noise, then I explain to her the vivid traumatic nightmares and vision i see when I go to bed to explain to her my situation further and how serious it is
And she says "why"
I'm baffled and I say, "why do you think I never had these problems when I lived with my aunt but they reappeared when I started living at your house again" she got mad because she hates being compared to her sister so she tells me to stop yelling and leaves me alone
Fast forward to today and she has tried to make me get on her side by forcing me into situations where I have to talk to her, which she always does, she talks to me softly, addresses me by my name, and calls me "her baby", obviously I know her scheme and I won't bite
So I lost my earphones that I put in a specific open place before I went out and when i comeback to my house, they are gone, I ask everyone if they saw them, everyone says no which is bullshit obviously, so we search through the house and my mom gets involved and presses on my sister and says that she would totally steal my earphones, that she is a bad person that loves bothering people, and insults her badly, her ranting started because I said that everyone is lying about not having seen my stuff because I put it next to my sisters belongings, and my sleeping dress which was also not there, so my mom finds in beside the place where I originally put it tucked in between the couch pillows and then says that I am a liar that accuses people, and I said that I never accused anybody of stealing my things, and my dad is on her side of course my sister as well, I say that she was the one who started this accusing game and that I only said that someone in the house saw my earphones and placed them somewhere else and she says that I am a liar and that I don't remember anything, I explain to her calmly then everyone sighs and says "just go to your room, you're good for nothing"
Am I fucking paranoid or did she do that on purpose
His libido was just super low. Didn't feel like having sex, said he didn't feel like masturbating, this has been a tough year and a half for both of us. >>198939
We have been together for a bit longer than 3 years. The relationship isn't dead, we both still love each other very much. Sex is a small part of life. >>198940
I sat down with him a few hours I wrote this post and we had a talk about it more. He said that he didn't really want me to see other people, he just thinks that I'm starting to find him unattractive and he doesn't want our opposing schedules to affect my sex life so much (and then he started talking about how he didn't ACTUALLY want me to see other people but was just trying to give me options that could potentially help me).
We talked about working on meaningful steps towards his health and decided to start doing yoga and eating better together.
His schedule probably won't change for a few months. I don't really mind waiting. >>198963
Yeah.. it isn't good but we're trying to work past it.
It's hard to read your moms intentions because you start by saying you're bpd and end by admitting paranoia is a possibility. It's not unusual for people with bpd to feel persecuted or purposefully driven mad by the people they live with. Then over time if they get proper treatment they may not feel that way anymore. It affects your perception and that's one of the most frustrating things about it, for both the sufferer and those around them. You can feel like the victim
when you've actually become an abuser.
One thing is pretty clear though. You shoved someone and threatened to assault them with glass. You escalated things to a level that is pretty black white, no grey area there. Not acceptable, not excusable. You need to get into something like dbt if you're not already. Assuming you're an adult it's entirely on you to make sure you cut down the possibility of violence or threats and that you dont twist things to somehow make your reactions sound justified. You're being abusive
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I keep blowing my money on shit and it's gotten insanely bad since the start of this year. Does anyone have any tips on how to stop yourself from buying stuff? I'm giving myself the goal of saving up for a month. Thanks in advance for any help.
The last couple days I've been on YouTube binge watching old tv shows about shopping addiction and people who are in serious debt from it. Every time they uncover some underlying emotional need that they're attempting to fulfill. Ngl I cried earlier when I figured out what childhood/family shite still bugs me and affects my mood to this day.. leading to impulsive online shopping to 'cheer myself up' or to almost convince myself of my own value. My purchases then sit arouns unused for the most part.
Maybe ask yourself if there's an alternative need you're trying to fulfill with purchases, are you bored, lonely, do you feel loved, worthy, bad childhood? If it's any of those then nothing you buy (no matter how fancy) will give you more than a fleeting moment of relief.
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I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this, sorry for wall.
So I am a late-diagnosed autist, made no friends when starting universit, and got pretty deep into self-harming, but a professor who was also my personal tutor (UK uni) noticed my anxiety in tutorials and started arranging regular one-on-one chats with me to make sure I was ok. He was knowledgeable about autism and anxiety and genuinely seemed to care about my problems, and for the first time I actually felt genuinely understood by someone. I became less anxious and would talk about the self-harm and other problems I was unable to discuss with family, and he was the only person I talked to for a good 1.5 yrs before I got given therapy after being on a waiting list - he even said once he considered us ‘friends’, and we talked about other academic things in depth too, not just my health problems. It really helped me through university for a while and I even would be excited to go talk to him, and imagine having conversations when I was at home.
My mental health gradually improved and the talks became shorter and less frequent, and I got the impression that he didn’t feel a need to discuss my health problems because of the therapy, which is perfectly reasonable given that he is not trained and paid to do that, it’s just how a lot of our conversations tended to end up covering. Now after my therapy sessions have finished I still have this really unhealthy mental preoccupation with him, even though I am much more mentally stable, have a boyfriend and generally have less social anxiety (although I also haven’t had to be around people much recently b/c covid). I constantly imagine having conversations with him about problems I have and desperately hoping I can go back to having regular talks when next semester starts, even though we are now barely in contact. Even after getting a boyfriend and a therapist I still only feel completely understood when talking to him, and I even start fantasising about self-harming again just so I can have an ‘excuse’ to have long conversations with him again. It makes me feel really fucking pathetic, like an attention-seeker and a shitty person for constantly wanting to use him as a makeshift therapist and get myself back into a poor state of mental health just to have an excuse to be around him even though he is a busy guy. I don’t disclose any of this to him and never ask for meetings despite constantly wanting to, just because I don’t want to seem annoying and don’t feel I have a good enough reason (and no, I don’t want to fuck him).
I just don’t know how to get over it, it feels like I can’t control this obsessive fantasising and it makes me feel like shit for wanting to waste his time like that – I thought having a boyfriend would make it better, but it doesn’t, I don’t feel that same level of understanding.
tl;dr - unhealthy obsession with a university professor (not sexual), still constantly want to talk to him about inappropriate mental health topics I should be saving for therapist/boyfriend
How old is he? Is he a professor with tenure? If he's old and high up the hierarchy this was highly irresponsible of him and you should discuss your attachment to him with a therapist. Doesn't matter that it isn't sexual, it's too much even if he meant well.
If he's a young lecturer it's still a bit weird but you might be able to maintain some kind of friendship. I'm friends with an old lecturer of mine. Did he ever tell you anything about himself or were all your conversations about you? Were they actual conversations or was he mostly listening like a therapist?
I shoved her hands away because she was touching me and laughing while I was on the verge of tears, and because she has mentally abused me so much I told her that because she was pushing my limits, but I would never hurt anybody I have self control. I never even raise my voice or hand at anybody, or insult her, I just vent and then forget which she takes advantage of so I don't appreciate you calling me abusive
for retaliating against a woman who caused my siblings pain and abuse that resulted in a suicide.>>199025
Oh no, I thought about it but the earphones were laying at the edge of the couch almost touching the floor and the outer edge of the couch and the inner edge are quite far apart and it was smashed behind the pillow.
I don't think that she put the earphones there but I do think she started yelling and accusing my sister to get me on her side, but it backfired against me in the end.
I kinda just wanna know her mental state when she did that.
She is a kind of person who starts yelling at people for the slightest inconveniences, complains about people when the person is right next to them, she talks to herself, projects her insecurities unto me out of everyone in the house, then she had extreme love and hatred for someone, never cries and rarely feels anguish about anything
I want to try to understand why she does the things she does but I can never understand her
I guess that's my problem
Thanks so much for replying.
Older and very high up in the department, has the UK equivalent of tenure. I'm sure he had good intentions, but I am still so bad at reading other people I feel like I wouldn't be able to tell if it was getting weird or not. I used to have panic attacks in lecutres/practicals regularly and the lecturers in charge would ask me whether I have any friends or people in student services I normally talk to to help, and it would sometimes get a weird reaction when I said I only have this professor.
At first so the conversations would mostly play out as him asking questions and me answering until my anxiety gradually declined (had a nervous stutter) and I could talk more fluently, but still mostly led by him. He would talk in depth about his own interests sometimes, rarely personal stuff.>>199058
I had similar problems, the only thing that really helped me in the short term was getting this website-blocking extension for my browser and blocking access to all of the shopping websites I frequent. Obviously that won't solve it but if you have the urge and can't do it right when you want to, maybe you have more time to think it through and find something else to spend your time on.
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I live in Sydney and we have been in lockdown for a month now because of a big Covid outbreak. Today there was a protest in the city against the restrictions where 3.5k people attended (mostly maskless) and it's most likely this will be a super-spreader event which will lead to lockdown being extended for months.
For some reason this lockdown has especially been hard on my mental health and I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope. I've relapsed into self harm (I was sh-free since November) and my eating disorder has gotten even worse. I have school from home so I've been associating being in my house with work and I find it really hard to give myself down time. Whenever I let myself have a break to play video games or something I feel like I'm wasting time when I should be working.
When there wasn't lockdown I could go out with my friends for a night and not worry about work and eat like a normal person without worrying about calories because I couldn't know exactly how much everything was, but when I'm home I have all this information and I can't help but calculate everything otherwise I get extremely anxious.
I'm just so angry and sad about what's happened and I feel like there is no end in sight. I've followed exactly what the government has instructed throughout lockdown and it's heartbreaking that a few thousand people can ruin it for everyone else and endanger so many people. Sorry for the long vent but I have no one else to talk to about what I'm going through.
tl:dr - I'm finding it really difficult to mentally cope with lockdown when there's no end in sight
I'm 19 and I've lived here my entire life and as I've gotten older I wish more and more I can move somewhere else after school. Scott Morrison's handling of the vaccines is absolutely abysmal and the only reason we got this far without an outbreak like the US was because of our population density, but now that's out the window.
I ended up getting the AZ vaccine even if it's not recommended for someone my age because they're saying the Pfizer won't be readily available for the general population until another shipment comes from the US in September. God I hate it here
That's unfortunately hardly unique for them.
How do you think white europeans (including absolute bums) feel about rich and/or educated gypsies? Yeah…
Yeah I think wealth inequality is a bit less of an issue in Australia than it is in somewhere like the US. Racism is still very much prevalent here, especially against Indigenous Australians and middle eastern people, and there is definitely tension between minorities and white people. Racist slang like 'wog' is thrown around a lot, even by my parents who are more tame when it comes to their view on other races (not white).
I honestly can't speak from experience here, however, but this is just what I've picked up from growing up in Australia.
Our government was never actually prepared for Covid. It was just sheer luck with us being isolated from other countries and having a low population density compared to other countries that got us this far without a serious outbreak. Our prime minister absolutely botched the vaccine rollout by choosing to create a lot of our vaccines domestically while failing to reach production targets and over-relying on the AZ vaccine when we really need more Pfizer from the US, as well as being sluggish when it came to securing vaccines in a deal with the EU. He even went as far as to say getting the vaccine out was 'not a race'.
And then there is the issue of conflicting medical advice, where suddenly Morrison implored people under the age of 60 to get the AZ vaccine, which was directly against the medical advice that we were all given beforehand, as well as the media creating a stir about the risks of blood clotting due to the vaccine.
This is all just such as mess and I hold so much contempt for Scott Morrison.
Sorry, let me explain. Not on an individual basis. Obviously, a trashy member of the white underclass (one example) might feel superior to an ethnic minority based solely on race, he meant ethnic minorities are devalued culturally, there's a significant lack of respect that's tolerated there, with any white preferred. He's white himself btw, so not lived experience. I disagree that most Western people would feel warmer toward a sinkhole estate white 'chav' than an Asian doctor, for example. And the underclass is not deified culturally that's for sure, sometimes they are flattered/appealed to via pop culture so they'll impart cash, or they're riled up as pawns for politics, but there's low tolerance of doing this at the expense of minorities; although it does happen, especially via popular newspapers, it's criticized all the same. He said this is not the case in Aus, racism is overt and widely accepted. Like Western countries were 20-30 years ago.
If you go for it then I'd make it a gradual change, test the waters with a few new pieces that you introduce in. If you change suddenly you might regret any big spending on it, you might end up feeling pretty uncomfortable with the style you've financially invested yourself in and tbh people around you migh find it odd to see such a sudden change in a person. Anyone I knew who did that overnight had some sort of personality disorder or skinwalking thing going on.
Take it slow and see how small changes make you feel.
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I hand-washed all my bras and set them out to dry and now they all smell mildewey. How do I fix this? washing in a machine isn't really an option, as I can't get out to a laundromat in the middle of the week. I have a steamer if that helps.
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Asked this in the stupid questions thread but didn't get an answer so asking here: On Upwork (or Fiverr or any other online working website)is it better to offer a broader range of services or specialize in one thing only? Would I be seen as a Jane-of-all trades if I did UX, translation and illustration at the same time? Or is that actually preferable?
u wouldnt have a bf if u were ugly and retarded like u say u are
i think u have a hormonal imbalance and its making u emotional
*my best friend and I, jesus>>199416
Thanks anon, I know it will get better some day. Right now I'm just so upset about it, especially because it doesn't seem to bother her as much as it does me
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I'm in desperate need of advice rn dealing with an orbiting beggar dude. I met this guy at work and apparently he had this huge hidden crush on me, and was trying to persue me even though he knew i had a bf. Aside from that, he tried to be "friends" with me and I can't fucking escape.
Firstly he will suicide bait me and cut himself if i dont give him the attention he wants, secondly he says I'm the only person in the world who can understand him and he infodumps his trauma on me all the time. Thirdly I absolutely no nothing more about him aside from his trauma because that is literally al he will talk about and i feel i have to be his mommy fwend and calm him down every single day. I've tried letting him know- "Hey man this isn't working out and I dont think we can be friends. This is toxic." and given him the reasons etc… Then he insists he's going to change, changes his personality for like a week, then switches to being a whiny clingy guy again who always needs my love and support (giving nothing back ofc, not even a "how are you" after i came back to work from the hospital for 2 weeks lmao). I'm not gonna quit my job over this guy so any do you guys have any suggests on how to get a beggar out of your hair? GIRL HELP
how do I stop being obsessed with someone? this is gonna be a really long post, sorry lol.
I am very prone to getting obsessed with people/things or being very fixated on them. anyway, I had this teacher 5 years ago at university when I was 22. he flirted with me - and I don't mean he just like made eye contact with me a few times and I interpreted it as flirting - it was pretty overt, sometimes his voice would change entirely when he talked to me, like go a whole octave higher and almost "baby talk" to me which is something I've heard other men do when talking to women they're attracted to. another time I went to see him at his office and he had a huge smile on his face. no one before or since has been that happy to see me ever in my life. he also flirted with another girl in that class who was even younger than me and he seemed to already know her, I think from subbing at highschools which he did before he taught that class. another girl in the class caught on to our flirting and ever since gave me super weird looks every time she saw me. nothing ever happened though and he abruptly stopped flirting with me about halfway through that semester, probably because he realized hitting on students was a terrible idea.
after that I was kind of obsessed with him, I found out his class schedule at the university and would hang outside the room to hear his voice (I only did this once or twice and made sure he didn't see me). then after that he just went on to become a full time highschool teacher. I thought he was in his 30's, but I googled him and found out he was 45 at the time, which made him 23 years older than me, old enough to be my dad. the internet also said he was married but he didn't wear a wedding ring and those "people finder" websites are known to be inaccurate at times. I also found his niece on social media, and from time to time I look at her profiles. no idea why I do this either.
even though I literally haven't seen him in years I still think of him from time to time and I'm not entirely sure why. the only time I truly stopped thinking about him was when I had a boyfriend, but that was short lived and after we broke up I went back to thinking about him from time to time. I mostly hadn't been thinking about him at all until earlier this year when he ordered from where I work (I'm a delivery driver) and I was the one delivering to his house. which was just… really odd, considering it's random who gets assigned what order(s), it was a busy ass day and I just happened to get his order. I didn't see him face to face because we do contactless delivery so I was able to just leave it at his door and then leave. but like, now I know where he lives. and lately I've been thinking about him more frequently than I think about my ex which is just really strange.
I don't know how to just stop thinking about him altogether. even though I think he's a creep I have a ton of nostalgia about that semester, and even just driving by the building where I took his class and being reminded of those times gives me a good feeling and makes me long for the past. I would give anything for it to be fall 2016 again. it's super strange considering nothing even actually happened between us. my only guess is that since he seemed so happy to see me, it made me feel wanted? or something? I don't have much else going on in my life either. didn't then, don't now.
I know I should bring this up to my therapist but it's just so goddamn embarrassing, I don't want to. I also grew up being obsessed with older men if that's relevant (I'm not anymore). I just want to be free.