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You have no idea what to do about that thing? Ask for advice here!
Previous thread: >>>/g/147310
I am debating whether or not I should reach out to a former friend for reconcilliation after a falling out. We had been friends for 15 years prior and at times it was not the healthiest dynamic but we had some good times.
The final fight honestly wasn't even over something major but had been building up for some time due to incidents in the past. We both had fault and we cut each other off. It's since been a year and a half since we last spoke. The friend made an passive aggressive attempt to "talk" through a third party last year which I chose to ignore. If we are to talk, it will be an honest conversation and not through some manipulative mind game.
After therapy and introspection, I've grown and healed from a lot of my past and am considering extending an olive branch out to said friend to see if we can reconnect. Though I'm not sure if this is a good idea, that maybe I'm just doing this because I miss the good times without considering the bad. I would like a healthy friendship with them if they are open but I do not want to get dragged into the same toxic
dynamic we had before.
I don't know if they did, which is why I wanted to test the waters. If I'd have to guess, I'd say they may have changed a little but I'm not sure if it's enough to rebuild a sincere friendship on.
I mainly miss having someone who was able to understand and express that side of my personality. Is that naive or selfish of me?
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Anons, I need advice. I felt invisible all my life despite not being below average and not being overweight, going to college, to parties etc. Only a few friends and guys would always see me as just a friend/acquaintance. I went to therapy for unrelated and pretty hard stuff, discovered that it is most likely all related to my abusive family and zero self esteem, and my therapist suggested that when someone has no confidence, it can manifest in little things like how you behave, walk, talk, move, look at people, even how you chat online, and is really unattractive/prevents chemistry from happening when someone finds you physically attractive and gets along with you. Ever experienced this? Ever seen someone who just had a drab unattractive vive (for lack of a better word)? I am working on myself but this is a very new concept to me (tbh I used to have a really warped perception of how people interact and used to, like, think it was extremely bad luck or a curse) and I just want to talk to someone about this.
Therapists say the weirdest vaguest shit to their clients. They tell you you might be demonstrating off putting behaviours but don't have the aptitude to explain to you specifically what you're doing wrong or how to fix it. I hate therapy. I had a mental therapist that was suppose to sort my issues with my step mother out and she refused to tell me what it was that I did to my step mum that caused her so much anguish. Said it would go against ethics. Meanwhile she was mates with the ex of my now ex and telling her directly about our sessions. I found out because she had dm'd my bf at the time and told him about it lol.
Sorry for the unrelated rant but therapists that don't actually give you personalised tangible advice are incompetent or at worst a spastic.
to get people to notice you more you have to be more social and take up space in social settings. Maybe you're therapist could try to actually help you with your social anxiety
Damn, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, that sucks.
I think that my therapist was on point though. Some behaviours she pointed out (nervous twitches, not maintaining eye contact etc) were confirmed by friends when I asked them if they noticed. I never thought that non verbal stuff is so important though which is why I'm curious to hear any experiences being on either side of this.
Yes, I know what you/your therapist is talking about. This may be harsh to hear but in my experience with people who have low self esteem, they wear it on their body and in their mannerisms. It comes off… meek? for lack of a better word.
When I interact with people like this, they give off a very anxious, self pitying vibe. Like they are uncomfortable in their own body and they are very worried others won't like them or they desperately want others to like them. Alot of it is expressed in body language and non verbal like you said.
This can be a very uncomfortable energy to be around because that emotions are contagious when you are in close emotional proximity (ex. relationships, friendships).
Also it's like, hey if this person doesn't even like themselves then why should /I/ like them? If this person doesn't think they have anything of value to offer, then maybe they don't.
People are drawn to confidence and self assuredness, almost to a fault (that's why psychopaths seem to do so well). Not recommending you become a psychopath, but just continue working on yourself. Eventually, you may look in the mirror and be happy/proud of the person you see. That kind of self confidence shines from within and will literally draw others to you.
Thank you! This is harsh, and this is exactly what I'm looking for. When you're growing up with shitty self-esteem, sometimes it is near impossible (at least it was for me) to put a finger on how it manifests to others. I used to obsess over my bad luck and would hate myself for seemingly putting the same effort as others and not getting the results. Now I believe I didn't put the same effort due to what you just described, but never realized it and was stuck in perpetual self hatred. Probably explains why a bunch of close guy friends maintained that they never got that romantic vibe when we met, and it never developed later.
This is so shitty to realize and I'm feeling like a whole chunk of my life was stolen from me, but hey, if I did unproductive things and got bad results then maybe if I do the opposite it will get better. Thanks again, anon.
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Hi anons, what do you look for in a therapist? I've spent some time in the mental health circus before, but most "treatment" has made things worse because I couldn't build trust or connect with the doctors/counsellors. I know that I won't get anywhere unless I find the right person. Mostly I'm wondering how you know when you've found a good therapist, what sorts of things I should look for, any red flags to be aware of. All advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance.
If it helps, for some background I have a traumatic history, probably an undiagnosed personality disorder (cluster C???), and I'm the self-aware/intrinsic type who already reflects on my feelings and actions more than most.
I look for someone who works with me to figure me out. I find it helpful to look at my issues clinically, in a CBT-like setting. In my experience with this type of therapy, trust or getting to know the therapist isn't required so that makes it easier.
I used to like therapists that let me unload or rant or cry about my past to them, but honestly while that feels good it isn't very productive. I never got better. The best therapist I had did not let me get sidetracked or divert the conversation (which was a huge habit at the time, stemming from my grief and depression). I remember I started crying at one point, he handed me a tissue and said a few comforting things and then straight up delved into drawing a chart on the board with terms and definitions of how my thoughts came to that point. It was fantastic. I stopped crying pretty fast.
This is anon who asked about nonverbal clues earlier. I'm hearing that unfortunately, it's often a matter of trying until you click with the therapist, but I'll share some things from my limited experience (tried a couple of different therapists until I found the one I like) and also from what my friends have been telling me from their own experience. I feel like a lot of these can go unnoticed during your first session so I apologize if this doesn't help you much.
I would consider these red flags:
- actively slapping a label on your behavior/issues. One of the docs I went to would straight out put a label on my behavior and explain it to me, basically taking the lead. My current one asks questions and gives me space to figure out some things by myself, guiding me into the process. She doesn't jump to conclusions and instead helps me explore my trauma and connect the dots. Of course, she explains how these things work, it's just that she doesn't slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.
- not explaining how therapy works. Not discussing what to do in the days between your sessions. With my first two docs, I would go in, vent, listen to them and that was it for a week. Rinse, repeat. I was frustrated and felt like it was not working. My current one (she's a CBT therapist) explained how therapy works, why it is important to constantly pay attention to negative thought-feeling-action patterns and how the brain is slowly changing when you do this. Depending on stuff we talked about on a given day, she will suggest a psych book to read or some CBT exercises. When I had a really awful week, the task was just to try and help myself in small ways. Breathe, remind myself I'm there for me, try to sustain a healthy schedule.
- telling you that there must be a certain way to live and that you're wrong if you choose not to. My friend's therapist was extremely judgy and the friend in question would often have crying fits because she felt ashamed of her own needs.
- as the other poster said, not explaining you the grand scheme of how long your issues could take. They sure should be able to give you some direction and explain how this particular problem is generally solved. Although you can go in for feeling awkward with small talk at parties and unearth some global stuff like childhood issues lol.
- promising you 100% success if you just do this thing they'll tell you to. The goal should be to give you tools and knowledge so that you can go through this life, not to fix you with this one weird trick.
- not doing anything when you vent again and again without a resolution. They should gently point you towards constructive ways to get out of the loop. Might be CBT type writing down your emotions, thoughts, and actions and finding the pattern there.
Sorry for the long rant, hope this helps a little.
yup. and tone related stuff. low self-esteem gives you a quiet anger you carry yourself with… it's not nice to interact with people like that. the perpetual victim
type are particularily easy to spot on.
this will be harsh to hear: low self steem people who have no inner validation circuits and no individual principles (following the crowd) act as if the people around them owe them perpetual validation, and sometimes they expect that out of you in a very subconscious level; like i said, the quiet anger is really unpleasant to experience. I say this as someone that has worked out self esteem issues and has done that to people (unconsciously). One day I realized how angry I was, and how I considered people around me to be responsible about my life, about the way I think of myself, etc, and I realized how it impacted my relationships and how unfair of me it was to demand all this now that I'm an adult.
The responsability is liberating. With clarity of mind you can be the person you always wanted to be.
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Anons, how do I stop being a covert narcissist?
I recently reflected on my relationships (romantic, friendship, family, etc) and I recognized that I recreate the same pattern in all of them: I victimize myself, shift the responsibility to other people and expect others to take care of me and my problems. I also have difficult with empathy - I often forget to take into account how my actions might have affected others and when I'm in a low mood I feel like I'm literally the most unfortunate person in the world and it is hard for me to focus on others. People have also expressed that they are afraid to share things with me because they know that I have an inferiority complex with a tendency to compare myself to others and if I learned that for example, my friend just bought a car (which I don't have) then I would feel bad. I was really surprised by this notion btw and I would never want anyone to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Another reason I think I'm a covert narc is that my mother is a narcissist and it makes sense that we share characteristics
Just turned 20 a bit ago and im still stuck at home. I do plan on living here for a bit as I live in a major city so housing is crazy expensive, however, my parents control pretty much every aspect of my life due to Covid. Theyre pretty chill usually and pre-Covid let me do what I wanted, but now they're so paranoid and legit wont let me leave the house. I cant even go to school because everything is online. They're even iffy about the vaccine and don't know if I should get it.
I know a lot of people have it worse, and sorry if this is better suited for the venting thread, but I cant do this for another year. I'm praying I can go on campus next semester. What can I do to remain sane?
If your mother is a narcissist as you say, then you likely have a lot of baggage leftover from childhood trauma. You won't heal until you process and move on from all of that. Als, judging from the behaviours you described, it also sounds like you have trouble expressing your feelings to others and communicating your wants/needs. What you're lacking are coping mechanisms and a healthy self-image. I suggest looking into conflict resolution strategies and ways to build your self-esteem. Above all, I recommend you don't get too attached to the narc label or fixate too much on a diagnosis. When I self-identified as a narc, I tended overlook or misinterpret a lot of my behavioural patterns. Nowadays, to avoid that I focus on specific issues and approach them as if I were anybody else, not a narcissist
with a problem.
Maybe you should spend more time with other people, a few years ago I was also very bothered with the question of what kind of person I am and who I want to become, and I realized it thinking about it is worthless, actions are what is important. And if you are wondering what sort of person you are, if you hang out with people, they will comment on what makes you interesting, at least my friends do. There is something interesting about everyone, you just don't know it because it's normal to you; nobody is boring.
I know it's easy to say "just hang out with people", so if you can't just be assured from my words that you are interesting
Please buy the air filter. Your physical health comes first, always. This isn't a frivolous purchase for entertainment or a collection or something, but for the care and keeping of your life and self. Plus, how will you perform well at your job if you struggle to breathe every day? Please hang in there, Anon.
Also if you have any friends or family who can help you clean, I urge you to ask for their assistance even if you feel guilty or embarrassed. Nobody wants you to live in filth, so I'm sure they'll be happy to. When I'm too depressed to clean, it can feel too overwhelming to start without someone else.
Identify what behaviors you don't like and seek counseling if you can't hold yourself accountable to change them. If you don't think you have shitty behaviors and just want to change your identity, then just do the things you want to do. You don't have to Heather Explains your lifestyle choices to anyone.>>176946
Most employers in the arts don't give a shit what your undergrad is for. In your free time, work on developing a portfolio and connecting with people in the field you want to be in. Take it from a retard with a degree in the arts. You might not become an art historian or whatever but you can land a job in the arts with any irrelevant degree if you have a decent portfolio and connections. Also keep in mind that you might hate working in the arts despite enjoying art, in which case you'll be glad you have an "impressive" degree to fall back on rather than an art degree.
Thank you for taking the time to read my bs anons.
I'm from eastern europe kek escaping it is my #1 priority but as I said I just have no money right now. I'd like to have at least enough money to pay a couple months worth of rent before fucking off somewhere. Covid fucked me over hard and I've been job searching forever with no luck. Most places don't want to hire students because they can't abuse us like regular workers.
Ayrt, consider working in the art industry rather than in a creative role. As >>176955
pointed out you'll have better luck in a bigger city if you can save up to move somewhere where there are more job opportunities in that industry. I'm having a brain fart trying to come up with role examples but you could work in support of creatives doing something better suited to the math or science or whatever skills you practiced in school. Then study your passions in your free time and make some connections in the industry through that job that could help you find a role that is more relevant to your interests. Even if you're not in a creative role they still tend to not be too picky about the details of your degree. Imo the whole having passion about your work thing is kind of a meme because work will always feel like work even if you like doing that thing in your free time, but I get that you don't want to feel stuck doing something that you totally hate. Aim for the industry rather than the exact role you want and remember that the first job you get isn't the role you'll be doing forever. Good luck anon I know it can be very stressful but definitely not worth roping over.
Taking responsibility has helped me a lot. Like, if you fuck up fix it and admit you're wrong, if you really are the victim
stand up for yourself and actually do something instead of sitting around and whining.
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I’m just self aware enough to know I act extremely autistic but not enough to stop, especially if I’m in the flow of things while socializing.
Even worse I realize I said something incredibly cringe only like 3 minutes after and I have to resist the urge to sit and quietly disassociate while I’m out having a good time, how the fuck do I converse naturally without blurting out the first thing that comes to mind so often?
You'll have to stop using all the addicting stuff that gives you that instant gratification (social media, forums, food, porn, whatever it is) and replace those habits for others that require your attention (reading, doing exercise, housechores, a creative activity, etc)
You'll suck at first and won't be able to do it for more than 5 minutes. You'll have to put into work for weeks but if you keep going, you'll break those cycles. You'll get better with practice, just like everything
There are thousands of youtube videos about it, watch (a few) on the topics of building habits, instant gratification, dopamine detox, pain and pleasure principle, etc
Hard to say without knowing more details. Sounds like asking directly to them what you could do for them and what they need from you is a good start! If you say you can't relate based on your differences, then don't assume/try to guess, just ask and then actually do it (if it's a reasonable request of course). Let them know you're there for them and that you care.
You could probably start by googling things like "what not to say to people who are going through <specific problem of your friend>", and watch videos of people telling their stories going through those same problems your friend is going through, so you can grow some instinct+empathy.
Be there for them and listen to them, let them vent, let them cry on your shoulder, let them know they can come to you if they need a chat. There's not much else usually, but it helps more than you know.
I've been in that position before and pointless platitudes just pissed me off because I knew the person I was talking to was privileged and sheltered and didn't really know what kind of things I had to deal with. It's not their fault, but it was still frustrating.
It wasn't until years later that I met someone who was insanely privileged but acknowledged it and told me that they can't possibly relate but they will hear me out anyway because they care. And that kind of honesty was a lot more helpful than a chorus of I'm so sowwy/I know how it feels/Just hang in there/You can do it.
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I vented about this in an another thread a while ago. I have this problem of avoidance when it comes to social interactions. I have always had social anxiety and it doesn't matter how much I enjoy someone's company, meeting them, texting them and/or talking to them to me is an anxiety inducing task for me. Also, I guess because of a mixture of mistrust and low self-esteem, if someone is not constantly affirming that they like me and we are friends, I tend to get doubtful of their affection and assume that they hang out with me out of pity. So all of my friendships and relationships consist of the same pattern: we hang out, everything's good, then the mistrust kicks in and I withdraw and isolate myself, then friends reach out to me (usually) and the whole cycle starts again. So my last and only friend got fed up with this pattern especially since I have been in therapy for a long time and she made me promise that I wouldn't disappear again and then I did it again nevertheless. Avoidance is a legit addiction to me. She was like, okay, this was the last time. She deleted all of our messages and we haven't spoken ever since.
Even though I'm pretty sure this was really the last time and she's never going to want to do anything with me, I'm thinking about writing a letter to her, to provide closure, I'm just not sure what to write in it without repeating myself. I already explained to her that this was like an addiction. I already said I was sorry. I guess I would just want to thank her the memories we made together and sorry for the pain I caused…? Idk
Samefag. Sidenote: I think one of the main sources of her confusion is that in her mind, there is a direct correlation between thought and action. She simply thinks that if my friends are important, I do these and these actions for them. In my mind, nothing is ever as simple as that. I proctrastinate the things I want
to do and avoid the people I want
to be with all the time. There is no correlation between desires and action. I wish my mind was as straightforward as hers
I'm gonna do that, thank you!>>177465
That's a really…kind way of looking at the whole thing. I always assumed that clearly I was the one who was at fault. Thank you
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Please help me decide between two plushes.
The on the left is a palamute plush (55cm) from the video game series Monster Hunter which I have played Monster Hunter Stories on the 3ds and enjoyed it. I also played Monster Hunter: World a bit on PC before quitting since my graphics card is crap and I plan on playing it one day AND the newest MH game on the switch. The thing that I like about it is that his eyes are closed like he's sleeping and the fact that it would be comfortable to rest my arms on, cuddle and lying against it. However since it is a limited item it going to cost about 245.64 gbp.
On the right is a Moomintroll his name is cuter in my native langauge plush (40cm) from the Moomin book/cartoon series. I watched the cartoons a lot as a child and I have nearly finished reading all the written stories by Tove as the stories got republished again in my country. I like that he is laying on his stomach and the fact he looks like his book counterpart and the fact that he is signifyingly cheaper then the palamute plush, totalling about 31,81 gbp.
However I don't know whether or not should buy one of them or neither since I already have a green plush (35cm~) of no significance that suits my needs aside not being able to rest my elbows over it.
Should I spend my money on new plush or should I save my money?
No I'm including the shipping fee and customs fee from country altough I'm not sure if it calculated it correctly since I categories it as a toy and not as a plush Idon't know if there is a diffrence
£181.20 witouht shipping or customs
I would go for the moomin because I've seen them before and they're cuter (more round), but you're a different person.
Maybe try flipping a coin and when it's in the air you'll know which side you're hoping it lands on.
Could anyone advise me on what to do? My boyfriend cheated on me but I can't afford rent on my own, my city is very expensive. My parents kicked me out. I'm working and trying to go to uni but its all online now and after paying my half of the rent/groceries/utilities I barely have anything. I feel so lonely, I was making friends before covid but its been all remote since. I can't stand living with my boyfriend, he is very messy, bad hygiene, expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning, insults me… I have no safety net, no friends, no family, I feel really alone, I want to live in my own place but it's not possible.
you're very right. what i mean is that if they are alone in the sense of not being able to rely on anyone entirely then they are personally at fault for that. people who move away still have their roots.
my statements still stand - anon needs to humble themselves and tap into their resources. if they have no resources to tap into then they need to do a lot of self-work on top of everything else.
That sounds bad. Do you have absolutely noone you could get in contact with? I'm seconding what this >>177528
anon said. Start looking at ads were they are looking for roommates
Why are you being so insensitive? That anon seems to be trapped in an abusive
relationship and likely grew up in an unstable home. Plus if she's working and studying online, when would she have the time to make or maintain friendships? When you consider all these factors, it's not unexpected that she would become so isolated. How can you say this is all her fault without even knowing her personality? You are the one who ought to humble themself. Also, stop putting so many linebreaks and learn to integrate.
>>177544 >you've got a lot of work to do
Nta but damn that's so vague it's not even advice. You're being so overly judgemental, jumping to some odd conlusions about them and then that's the advice part of your post?? So helpful >my statements still stand - anon needs to humble themselves
For the love of god anon don't offer people advice when you clearly have worse issues yourself.
>>177562>learn to integrate>doesnt understand that line breaks on mobile happen.
What I'm saying is anon likely has resources. If they were truly isolated (and no that doesn't happen with just moving about) then they likely deserve it. If you're feeling alone anon, understand that it may be mental and you probably have more resources available than you think. It's ok to ask for help . If you are in a position to not ask for help from anyone, that's kinda weird and pretty sus.
But you're right, I'm pretty hostile with no actual solutions for anon. If things are truly as they are then anon needs to shuffle about their finances. I'm also living in an expensive area and the only way you can go it alone is understanding and accepting that your entire income will go to rent and necessities for the time. Anon should utilize padmappers, craigslist, and facebook roomshare groups local to their area to get an idea of room costs/ who is looking. Do you qualify for EDD (reduced hours still qualify you) or SNAP? Are there food distribution services available? Cover the essentials and commit to squirreling away any extra cash. Godspeed.
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I've been in a similar situation. Just stop cooking and cleaning for him. He is his own man now and you should get into the mindset of being roommates until you get outta there. You're not his girlfriend and certainly not his maid. Buy your own groceries. JUST your groceries, not his. Get out of the house and hang out at libraries, parks, discount movie nights, etc, maybe even volunteer for things and make friends. This should also lower your utilities.
Unfortunately uni might have to wait, but it's not like they're going anywhere. They're not going to uproot the campus and walk away lol. You're going to be fine, anon. Hugs>>177572
Have you tried cutting out dairy? I don't have experience with eczema and I might be talking out of my ass but I always hear that dairy causes a lot of skin problems. I always feel like my skin does better when I don't eat dairy too (but I always end up reintroducing it to my diet because fuck yeah cream and cheese)
Bulimicfag here, it sounds unhelpful but your doctor is right. Just eat what you can. Our bodies are amazingly resilient so let it recover and soon it'll remember that food is okay. You're not going to wither away from eating yoghurt and fruit (which are very nutritious) for a week.
You reminded me of last summer when I went on a purge frenzy. After a few days I start painfully burping for no reason and I didn't really hold down much food. But I stopped purging for a few days and everything was back to normal. Unfortunately I used that as an excuse to keep purging..
This. Foods have a big impact on skin conditions. I personally cannot have peanut butter, high iodine foods (nori for example), dairy, etc because i break out in welts or cystic acne. I never took food intake seriously because it seems so trivial but it's absolutely imperative that you figure out what you're "allergic" to.
And it sounds stupid af but … celery juice. My best girlfriend developed eczema around her eyes after her pregnancy and she swears by celery juice. Have it in the morning with a splash of lemon, maybe carrot for a little sweet. Stick with it for 3 weeks and see if helps you out.
I know you love her and want to support her but there is no way this situation is good for you.
The bottom line is, you set those rules for a reason and she agreed to them. On top of this, she then was deeply unkind by manipulating and lying to you. You already know she has to go. If you let her stay, you're choosing to betray yourself. It's true she needs adult guidance, but she needs to seek it out, and there's not a lot you can do about that.
Have somebody else there when you make her leave, if you're disabled and she's as underhanded as she seems to be, she may go as far as to rob you or refuse to leave. Hope it goes smoothly for you
Identify whatever it is you get out of LC and replace it with a better alternative.
Or download Cold Turkey, you can completely lock yourself out of lolcow with that software.
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Farmers please tell me how’d you’d feel in my situation. Is it weird to feel like I want something to myself for once? As in, I have a friend who seems to eventually take interest in all of my interests sooner or later. I love this friend immensely. She's one of my best friend’s and I don’t think it’s anything to stop being friends over, but I just get this feeling of “damn can’t I have this to myself for once.” Example, I like writing and when I expressed that to my friend they began writing too, and then would call me when they wrote a passage. I like reading and so they asked to borrow my books and then wanted to talk to me about the books and start a book club. I recently started drawing and expressed how I wanted to eventually get an iPad pro as digital art looks fun, and then they talked of how they want to get an iPad so they can start drawing again too. I expressed how skating always looked fun and would like to get into it, today I saw they got a skateboard and started skating. I feel like the tipping point for me was how I’ve expressed how I would like to begin streaming for video games and then they later talked to me about how they’d like to stream. At first she talked about wanting to do a “study with me” type stream which sure, that seems up their alley, but then they expressed how they would like to go into gaming as well, as who’s to say they couldn’t. Which yeah that’s true, who’s to say she can’t do what she wants. It’s just that this one really irked me as they have quite literally never expressed interest in video games. Like I said I don’t feel like it’s something to stop being friends over, but I don’t know if I'm in gatekeeper mode and being a bitch or if it’s fair to just want something to myself for once. Maybe she just wants to connect with me and relate with me over my hobbies, so idk if I’m weird for being irked.
ngl you sound quite young, also I've been through this sort of situation a few times before. You two wont be friends forever. She will figure out who she is eventually and leave you for it.
Do what you want, while you can, and just keep your mouth shut about it lmfao how is this not the most obvious solution to your problem?
I feel you anon, I’m an extremely sentimental person too but trying to fight it. >>178545
is really good advice; when I first heard of that idea I did think it was stupid until recently when I was looking through childhood photos with lost sentimental items in the background. It occurred to me that I felt so much better having these photos compared to keeping all those possessions. The stress wasn’t there: I didn’t have to worry about cleaning the item, keeping it safe, who I might upset if I chose to give it away. No stress about losing it - sure, I might lose the photo but that’s less likely and I wouldn’t care as much as some distance had already been created. All that was left was the joy (I don’t gel with Marie Kondo either but that’s the correct word) of admiring the item and reminiscing. You could even make videos.
You could also work on your whole mindset about stuff. It doesn’t define you - even without those CDs you still have the memories of the fun concerts. Maybe you’re more of a visual person (so the photos will help), but working on how you relate to objects will still be beneficial.
There’s videos about minimalism and sentimental items on YouTube that might help. Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki is a book that I would recommend over Marie Kondo. He’s a super minimalist with four shirts and a bunch of Apple products type guy, the type I usually hate, but his book is different. It’s full of practical advice as well as thoughts on materialism and culture. Thought provoking, doesn’t come across as a lecture, and written by someone who used to be a maximalist. I refer back to it a lot.
I hope you’re able to figure it out.
I had a wedding years ago with just the two sets of parents at it, similarly I had no friends, wasn't close enough to my extended fam to really be setting up a whole wedding ceremony. We had a registry office weddding and in that setting it wasn't treated as anything unusual.
Are you thinking church wedding though? And is he having many attend?
In retrospect I really wasn't late losing my virginity but when I was 19 I felt like I was. I spent my teens totally housebound with agoraphobia and when I made some progress and started going out again at 19 I was in a rush to get my virginity 'out of the way' I'd used toys already but was stupidly hung up on the idea of being 'behind schedule' to lose it. I was behind in alot of ways but focused in on that for some odd reason. Weird priorities.
I threw it to the first guy and it wasn't that deep for him but I (silently) obsessed over him because of the emotional attachment it gave me. I was in over my head and not prepared for how it emotionally affected me. I felt ridiculously heartbroken over a guy I knew was never going to be a keeper anyway. As a now 30-something I look back and I would honestly take back my first few YEARS of sexual expereinces if I could. When you're older you most likley won't look back and worry about some schedule that virginity has to meet. If anything you're more likely to look back and wish you'd been fussier about who you gave it to though. That's more often how people look back on it.
I was also 19 like the other anon when I lost it. When I entered uni I was just like "I need to be like an adult now" and started a relationship online with a guy working abroad, then it turned into a real relationship when he returned. I jumped into bed with him almost instantly because I wanted to lose my virginity. It was absolutely awful, our whole sex life was, because he was terrible and selfish in bed. There's nothing "freeing" about being on the "other side" (which in itself is a false concept). There is zero merit to losing your virginity with someone who doesn't care about you deeply.
Also online relationships are not even actual relationships in my eyes, not to offend, unless you have actual goals of living together/closeby in the future. If you're using each other as emotional crutches and it doesn't take out more out of your life then it gives you, then I don't see why you'd end it right now. I mean it's not too romantic, but people cope in different ways, especially in these socially separated times.
OK, so I am gender critical/ anti trans myself and here is my advice:
If he knows about your views and doesn't call you a nazi and doesn't wish you death, he is much more mature and emotionally intelligent than 90% of all the troons living in the West. Yes, he might be lost, confused and indoctrinated into the trans cult, but maybe that is what he genuinely thinks is good for him and that is his situation. Even if he is hurting himself and hurting women, it is not wrong for you to be his friend. You don't have to cut him of if you value your friendship even if he doesn't listen to you. He is doing his stupid thing right now, but he is still a valuable human and it's always good to keep the dialogue going on instead of just cutting him of and letting him be completely lose himself in the troon echo chambers