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Change his name to something like "z speak to best friend before contacting"
The z is to keep him at the bottom of your contact list
I'm sorry you're going through this anon. I'd suggest making his number even harder for you to get to: delete it from your phone, write down on a piece of paper and mail it to yourself. If you're having to fly back to "home" and only need to contact him then, international postage should match your speed of return.
No contact is the way forward though. Don't embarrass yourself by begging for someone to mean it when they say they love you. Stay strong.
He said that he doesn't see a future with me because he wants to stay in LA and have kids in the future. I don't want to live there or have kids right now but we're 21. I want to go to law school on the east coast, make my money, and enjoy my life. Kids aren't ideal right now.
I'd also be the breadwinner in our relationship and he was always fine with moving with me, supporting me, But he confessed to his dream of his wife popping out babies in one of the most expensive places in the US, while he's in student loan debt with an English degree is more important. I said I might consider adoption but he wants his own kids.
Fuck, I thought I had one of the good ones but his insistence on spreading his seed with no regard for health issues bc of pregnancy like a trash guy would just tells me all that I need to know. I sincerely hope that no girl ever falls for him and gives him his "dream." Men don't deserve us.
He says he loves me but he "doesn't want me." I feel so pathetic tbh. The one thing I appreciated is that he was fine with watching k-dramas with me, and he was supportive of my radfem views. I'm very unlikely to ever meet any other guy who will also engage in these things, and I feel like being single is just going to make me have a bunch of guys go back to trying to be "my friend" to get in my pants.
I miss the safety of having a boyfriend. I'm so retarded, sorry for the vent. Thank you for all of the support.
I feel for you, I really do. It's not fair to have been born a woman in this world.
I might suggest avoiding k-drama for a little bit, at least until it doesn't remind you of him any more. Remember that you have so much more to offer this world than just being a wet hole for some scrote who loses his mind if he doesn't have sex for 4 months. And carry on talking. Vent wherever you need to. I love you.
I also forgot to add that he broke up with me over FaceTime with the camera facing the wall, but didn't even say it himself. He kept saying negative shit about us and then I texted him later.
We were supposed to be together in 2 weeks, in person, and he couldn't have waited? Like this was a 2+ year relationship and he keeps ignoring me and when he does answer, he changes his explanations. Like one minute, it's him that's the issue, and a day later, it's me who was the problem.
I wasted over 2 years to a guy who couldn't even break up with me himself, and couldn't even face me to say anything.
Are there ANY good men out there? Fml
Self-control machine broke and I started talking to my ex who I broke up with two months ago and posted about a few times on the relationships thread (ex. >>118550
). It has of course proved to be a bad idea. In our conversations he has basically said I'm a quitter since I broke up with him, I let him down, he hates me and that he doesn't want me as a friend cuz he doesn't need any. Even when we started talking about topics not relating to our relationship he gone as far as to say things like I have no brain, bad judgement, I'm annoying, etc.
I'm feeling dumb and kind of masochistic for talking to him again the last few days. Please do not be like me girlies. Now I'm going to try to commit to moving on and see someone new
I still have negative dreams about my ex all the time. It's been over a year since the spilt.
He broke up with me one day and went on holiday with his new gf the next day (somehow insisted that he wasn't cheating) he then continued to sleep with me for a few weeks behind her back. He's total shit so it's not like I want him back but I don't want to keep dreaming about how shit he is either
Don't subject yourself to all the insults, we tend to hold onto those insults and mentally repeat them to ourselves for years afterwards, I'm sure he knows that too
Maybe take some time to build your self esteem before getting into your next relationship?
Good luck anon, I hope it went/goes well! Don't let men try to tell you that it's stuck up to have standards; you two are clearly in very different places in life and if you want completey different things, that isn't going to work out. Sounds like your issue has more to do with his outlook and behaviour than his 'class' anyway.
Enjoy your lunch, anon, and celebrate being rid of your deadbeat boyfriend. <3
It's been about 8 months since my girlfriend broke up with me. I think I've mostly moved on, but there are moments where I slip and fall back into feeling so sad about it.
We broke up because she didn't want a relationship, it was a lot to commit to and she knew it would only end up with me being dragged around because she's already so busy with work and working through a lot of her own problems. It feels bad but I accepted it- after all, what could I have really done? She's not really the affectionate type overall anyway, and even though she says I wasn't that suffocating to her, I think I was. I liked to hold her hand, I liked to sitting up next to her. I slept over one time and one time only (it was just a few days before we broke up) and all I wanted to do was hold her. I still remember the feeling of burrowing under her blankets because the slightly open window was blowing cold air into my face (she likes it, I don't, we didn't close the window because her bedroom gets too hot otherwise) and that was the only time that night when she rolled over and draped her arm around me- I still remember the weight of her arm on my waist.
I posted about her in the unhealthy obsessions thread on ot. I knew of her through mutual friends (in the same cosplay circle) for like 10 years, but mostly followed from a distance and never worked up the courage to actually talk to her until last year. We hit things off crazy well and talked basically everyday. Even on days when she was super busy with work, she would still slip in a message or two to let me know she was still around. Some days we just kept it to good morning/goodnight and she said she liked to do that because it meant the first and last thing she ends her day with is with me. I used to message her on formspring on anon, and I figured I had to tell her now that we were friends… I mean, it's weird and I found out a lot about her through it, and she thought it was cute that I was following her for so long.
She told me that when I smile my canines poke out and I look like a vampire and she thought it was the cutest thing. After being in a bunch of rocky relationships and chasing after men who just saw me as a human cumrag, being treated like an actual human being worthy of someone’s affection, it meant a lot to me. I’ve been self conscious about a lot of things my whole life and I’ve gotten over a lot of them and I do get compliments on my looks and whatever, but no one’s ever cared to even notice that small of a detail or cared to point it out to me that they thought it was cute.
I always download a bunch of dating apps, but once I match with someone I panic and I realize that this isn’t what I want. I feel like everyone falls short of her. She's a cis lesbian and dresses pretty androgynous and we share a lot of the same tastes in things. I’m scared to let go of her. I’m scared to let go of the wishes and hopes in my head that one day in the future we’ll meet again and settle into each other even though I know those wishes and hopes are useless and honestly terrible for me to hold onto. I think of her constantly everyday. I imagine what it would be like in the present moment if we were still dating, what a future with her might look like. I never really wanted to marry (outside of tax reasons) or take on my partner's last name because it felt like a stupid thing to do. When you're in love, what's the point in all of that as long as you have each other? But I don't know, it sort of hit me that like, yeah it might be a dumb arbitrary thing (outside of tax reasons lol) but I want it. I wanted to be able to call her my wife one day. I wanted to take on her last name.
I know I should stop thinking about her, but it's hard to stop. It's changed from "daydreaming about the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on but am too chickenshit to talk to" for the past 10 years to "daydreaming about my ex-girlfriend who I most definitely should get over." Some days I get upset because it feels like I'm the only one upset about all of this. She's moved on just fine and I'm still trying to sort out everything. If she does end up dating someone in the future, it'll absolutely break me if I don't get over her eventually. I constantly wonder if I did anything different, would the result be different? I feel wronged in some ways that she didn't want to put in the effort to have a relationship when I was willing to do so much, even though I know it's wrong to feel that way and she cut it short precisely because she knew she didn't want to. I'm doing a lot better about my self worth this breakup compared to past ones, now I'm just sad that I lost someone because we don't even talk anymore. I wish we had just stayed friends but we were way too into each other and it was because we got into a relationship that she realized she didn't want relationships and all that came with them. Feels like one of those charts where no matter what path I take, I can only get the bad end. Except maybe if I never talked to her to begin with, but that's also a bad end because I would've just never been able to talk to her lol.
Sorry for the ramble. I do well most days outside of daydreaming about her, but my period just hit last week and it turned my brains into absolute mush and I fell down the hole of feeling like shit over her.
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So this is gonna be something crazy.
My ex bf of like 5 years dumped me for his coworker who was married, husband in prison, and had kids that she was in the middle of a custody battle over. He had been talking to her for months, texting around the clock, and even coming home late and insisting on running errands alone. I mean, he can do so much better than that, but he told me he chased her bc she was “fun to talk to” and a “cheap thrill.”
So I forgave him and I have been trying to get back together with him for almost a year (he dumped me on Christmas, of all freaking days) bc I’m stupid and I really loved the crap out of him. He literally told me that he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t ever see us getting back together. He was happy to be a fwb and basically do everything but commit to me.
Well he told me to go date his best friend bc he didn’t feel the same way about me and just wanted to move on and live his own life. So after hurting for a while watching my ex move on without me and lying to my face about girls while I was still in love with him (still lived with him due to financial issues), so I decided “why the fuck not?”
He gave us his blessing and I moved on. I’ve known his best friend since high school. I’m honestly super happy with this guy and I never thought I’d feel happy ever again after I got dumped but here I am. He is absolutely perfect for me in every way.
Now, here’s the shitty part. Ex, who had agreed to remain amicable and friendly, disowned me because he wants me back and knows he can’t have me. His friends stopped talking to me. One of my closest girlfriends who hung out in the same group of friends also left me and called me dirty and some other things for dating his best friend, and his parents blocked me on FB.
He fucking cheated on me, which is apparently acceptable, but me moving on with his best friend after he literally told me to go date him is the most damning thing?
Like, wtf??? I know I could never make my ex happy and I was willing to watch him move on if that is what makes him happy, but he’s totally okay with taking a whole ass group of friends away—people we both went to school with— and leaving his ex best friend and his ex in the dark because he isn’t strong enough to watch us be happy first?
If he still wanted me, he should have said something.
I literally gave him last dibs one night and said that it was his last call to tell me how he felt about me and our future together. He told me “I don’t know” and honestly, I took that as a no. I told him I loved him one last time and he ignored me and told me to go to bed. Apparently I was supposed to give him time to decide.
I’m very happy in my new relationship and I have no idea what I was doing without that person now that I know the kind of partner he can be, but it still hurts to know that while I found my happiness, everyone else wants me to kick rocks. :/
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Honestly anon, He seems like the type that just wanted to ruin your self-esteem didn't show you an ounce of respect and seems pretty much abusive
and manipulative in the aspects on wanting to be FWB.
In an outside perspective, if you were to go back into a relationship with this person, he probably would've hurt you more and you're pretty lucky now that you have someone who treats you better.
I've also been on the receiving end of an Ex spreading lies to his friends about yourself and honestly fuck them they made their choice of listening to a shitty person and you can't make everyone happy, you just need to be happy and as long as you're a good person and don't hurt people you're much better than your shit-head Ex.
Anon he doesn't want you
, he wants your emotional energy and sexual attention back. It's purely selfish. That's why he made sure to talk shit about you to anyone who would listen while quietly trying to bag you on the side. It's a way for him to save face and have the…higher ground…in other peoples' eyes.
He's a narcissist and you need to cut him off completely. Also while it's sad about what happened with your mutual friends, consider them to not have been such great friends if they took his word about you without talking to you about anything.
You don't need to chase after these people, you can be happy without all of them.
How do you propose I go about doing that, anon? I’m not sure what you mean by “telling the truth.”
If it’s a misunderstanding that could be “set straight,” why would they hate my guts?
Elaborate, please. Everyone else is saying to leave them in the dust, but you’re suggesting a tea spill. What’s your reasoning?
Whatever it is that anon meant, I don't believe confronting these people about the issue would do you any favors even if you technically have "nothing to lose." Seems like they view you as in the wrong for dating his best friend despite your ex's infidelity. I doubt there's any kind of truth or saying in your defense that would change their minds to allow you back into that friend group. And even if it did, it would be awkward and you'd probably be walking on eggshells.
I really do think you're better off taking the highroad and moving on.
Sorry replying late. But if its like you said then he probably lied to get them unanimously on his side, they didnt drop him for cheating but they drop you for seeing his friend when you guys weren't even together? Seems too fishy, like hes left some details out to come out as the victim
. so why not write out in full whats really going on? that he GAVE YOU HIS BLESSING, lead you on, etc. They probably don't even know he offered up his friend first, and if they're really your friends they'd be willing to hear your side of the story too.
Of course if they blocked you i don't know how you'd get the info out, but pretty much put up a lengthy post on instagram/fb defending yourself, or try to talk to friends that might be sympathetic to you and explain how shitty he is. Hopefully they vouch for you within the group, at the very least you tried to get your side out.
Of course you could just ignore this completely, i just don't like the idea of him getting the last word when he's the one that wronged you. But you're completely justified in cutting them off for even siding with him in the first place. I'm just saying they probably got an altered version of events from him that's painting you as some evil harpy when that's not what happened, you speaking up might change some minds.
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How to fall asleep alone? I have insomnia…I triple check my door locks every time I hear a tiny noise. Everything wakes me up now that he's not here to comfort me. He used to comfort me when I had nightmares and cuddle and reassure me. Should I get a cat?
For ages I thought I was the prize in the relationship but now I realise that's because he made me feel that way. I know better now.
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Not a bf but how do I get over ending it with my best friend of 7-8 years? It’s another LDR where she’d ditch me for months and we’d get back together like nothing happened. I finally decided enough was enough and left her a message (which she still hasn’t read/responded to) about 2 months ago and now I’m trying resist reaching out to her like I tried to before.
I’m hurting less than I thought I would but I miss our interactions. She’s the only person who knew all of me. I think about the fact I can’t make our in-jokes anymore, I can’t crack them to other people because it won’t make sense. I’ll go about my day and sometimes I’ll see something I’d love to laugh at with her later or endlessly talk about into the night but then I have to tell myself I can’t do that anymore. We were perfect, when we were together. It’s just every time we weren’t.
I think I should find someone else out there, maybe even start dating properly but that’s its own set of hurdles and it won’t be the same as her. I can’t gossip about what’s basically the contents of /g/ to a guy, it’s a totally different dynamic. And I’m not going to ‘settle’ for a girl and possibly break her heart because I’m not gay enough for it to be more than a fling.
more whining: I’m incredibly low maintenance, I never demand anything of my friends, I’m seriously not a clingy type nor am I easily jealous but the one person I thought I could rely on to fulfil my modest social needs? Abandons me. Over and over again. And I don’t know what I was trying to prove, or to who, by enduring it. It’s been so long I think more than half of those 7 years were spent on me waiting for her. Who am I kidding, I’m the only one keeping count for something that doesn’t exist anymore. I can’t even be angry at her, there’s no one there to be angry at, and I couldn’t hurt her even if I wanted to.
I feel this, anon. You owe it to yourself to let that friendship end. Someone who cares about you and respects you isn't going to ditch you and crawl back into your life like nothing happened. You're going to meet new people and make new friends, and you'll have a different connection with them than you did this person. It sucks to lose someone who you feel really got you, but nostalgia is going to keep you in places you don't belong with people who do the bare minimum.
Don't hang onto people because you worry that you'll never have a connection as special like that ever again. You probably will, and it might even be better.
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>mfw havent slept for 2 days
It sounds retarded I know but I broke up with my bf of 2 years a few months ago and so far my life has been pretty normal until this past week. I cant sleep bc no matter what I always have dreams of me and him hanging out/having sex/having a good time like we always used to and every single time I wake up I'm having a panic attack like I used to before we got together. And ever since those recurring dreams I've noticed small weird things in my life that I would normally chat with him about when I get the chance.
Example: my coworker was wearing an absolutely hideous jacket one day and I pulled out my fucking phone to text him and when I realized I had to hide in the bathroom to cry. Idk what my brain is trying to tell me but fuck this shit. Genuinely fuck feelings. How do I stop my brain from trying to guilt trip me and robbing me of my sleep? Or should I accept the insomnia demon and start snorting coke again?
If it's like this just this week then try to wait it out. Maybe you're going through more stress than usual? Or it's hormones? Try to keep your mind busy. Do you have a close friend? If yes, then confide in them and when you're feeling the urge to text your ex, text that friend instead. This way you will cheat your brain, you will get some relief without doing an oopsie.
If it lasts, try a rebound. Put yourself out there. Just having someone to text/flirt with and give you some attention may make it disappear. Sometimes we mistake missing a person with missing the attention, warmth, intimacy etc. And sometimes we just need those, so provide them for yourself if you can (and want). Good luck. Don't do coke.
You are being used
I know you're in a vulnerable spot right now but he is taking advantage of your loneliness and this'll ultimately end in more pain for you
>>123306>He tells me that what he is doing is good for me because I have someone to socialize with.
Yet he won't interact with you on any social media platforms or be seen in public with you. It's because he doesn't want anyone to know he's seeing you, anon. You're a secret and he's taking advantage of how lonely you are. Stringing you along with lofty statements like how he doesn't feel like dating now
, as if there's a chance he may change his mind later
. I assure you he has no intentions of taking you seriously ever again. Someone who cares wouldn't treat you like this or give themselves such asspats just for chatting with you on tumblr.
Now, I completely understand what it's like to be touch-starved and needing any kind of interaction including sexual. Yet unless you can completely separate your romantic feelings from this arrangement, and accept that you're using each other to meet a need, it will only make you feel worse.
Wouldn't you prefer to be pursuing someone else who you'd at least stand a chance at being in a happy relationship with? If you've caught feelings, you're gonna be wasting your time on this guy who will never reciprocate them.
This sounds familiar, I think you posted in another thread and I was one of the people encouraging you to go your own way?
Does he seem like the kind of guy to be civil and help with your ticket as a final good gesture?
This is mostly a vent I guess. I've posted a few times in the relationship advice thread (honestly, too many times to really claim I have any selfrespect). Last night I finally broke: my ex told me he was the only person that cared about me after I told him he was not being very compassionate and to "come talk to [him] once [I] remember that". This was the final straw on the dead horse's back. I said to him hold the fuck up, I maybe would have agreed with you when we first got together, but I have plenty friends that I know care about and support me. As soon as I said I wasn't putting up with this relationship anymore he started backtracking, tried to pretend there wasn't any talk of me wanting to end it, kept calling me 'babe' and saying he loved and missed me.
I very nearly caved to it anons. He's pulled this a few times because he knows how much I hate bringing it back up again and I think he tries to distract me long enough to 'win me back' or whatever. I told him I meant it. That I wasn't happy. That I thought our recent holiday would change those feelings but I was on edge the whole time, I kept going to sleep every time he tried to initiate sex because I haven't been attracted to him for a while now and it was easier to pretend to be too exhausted than having to say no. He later encouraged me to talk time to think on it which I wouldn't have minded, but then said he was really unhappy too and it seemed really pointless continuing on.
He still wants to be friends. He still wants me in his life. Honestly I'm indifferent but I have things at his house I need to collect so I'd rather stay in contact for now. But the worst part is I'm not even crying over him or us, I'm crying about being single and lonely again? I don't really even mind talking to him because I don't need to worry about putting effort in anymore and I feel like I got over him months ago when I first started feeling like this and first tried to mention my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I feel like a bitch for saying it, but fuck.
Anyway, how do I become accustomed to single life again? I've spent so much of my time talking to him or with him. Without the relationship I really don't have that much to do. I'm clinically depressed so I don't really have many hobbies. How do I stop worrying about being alone? I kept crying at work today and I don't really know how to keep sneaking off to the bathroom without just looking like a slacker.
>>123559>my ex told me he was the only person that cared about me after I told him he was not being very compassionate and to "come talk to [him] once [I] remember that"
that's really not nice. not cool of him. obviously it is untrue and that is not nice of him.
sorry in advance because i cant recommend much because ive been anhedonic all of my life, but obviously hobbies are good. i can't recommend any personally but what does work for me when i'm feeling distraught and alone with my thoughts thanks to my ex, is routinely pampering myself and getting into a better routine with skincare, haircare, and creating a like, 30 step program by like, exfoliating my entire body, dousing my entire body in tea toner, moisturizing my entire body like 8 times by layering products (toner, humectant, then emollient, occlusive) giving myself acrylics, doing foot peels/taking care of my feet, and olaplexing my hair, giving myself root perms, dyeing my hair all of this stupid stuff gets my mind off of it for a bit and i feel genuinely better for a little while after and i do feel pampered. its a massive waste of time and very pointless but it's a healthy distraction and i get 'into it' more than other things, not sure why. i dont care about my appearance but i feel more 'put together' when i put my time into this. it's pathetic but it works for me.
"moving on too quickly"
??? it's been 8 months
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>got fucked over by a girl
>people warned me about her in the beginning, but none of them were close with her so I thought it was just her being "controversial"
>decide to keep her as a friend because I really like her company and she likes mine
>can't forget her even though she's VERY below my league under every point of view, as confirmed by everyone who knows both of us
>meanwhile she just keeps on flirting with everything that breathes
I really should love myself, huh… doesn't help that I'm living in Bumfuckville until this winter and dating apps fucking suck. I deserve much better, my brain gets it but my feelings don't.
You are more than likely attached to the only thing you consider safe even though it isn’t because it doesn’t allow you to grow in in a relationship.
Where do you see yourself?
Chasing this girl at 33?
Find someone else and if you get feelings again imagine her shitting trust me it works
Thanks. I don't think that's pathetic at all, if it brings you peace and makes you happy you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your coping mechanisms. There are much worse things to do to distract yourself than self-care.
I don't know if I'll ever get into a massive skincare routine but I should probably get back onto the basics, I've neglected myself a little too much lately due to stress. I really appreciate the support and advice.
He sounds incapable of maintaining a relationship without being an emotional drag on you and in turn bringing out the crazy in you too. Maybe he's quite genuinely depressed but the relationship you described isn't nigel-like or brag worthy, Sounds toxic
Depression, low self esteem and just withdrawing all communication.. he needs to be single if that's where his head is at
The reason why i thought he is nigel worthy is that he is good at masking his sadness and is putting up a happy charade and cheer me up if i am sad. Like i said he wants me to stay happy whilst sacrificing his sanity it seems.
Now it does came out looking not toxic
but unhealthy for both of us because he needs to defeat his demons first before being able to coexist without dragging other people down. Its such a shame because we are very compatible if he would be able to recover from this.
lol hello, just had my 1.5 year relationship end like 5 min ago. Or I've been alone for 5 minutes so this is very very raw.
Um, we live together in a foreign country and I'm very dependent on him. So I'm not sure where to go financially. He's kindly supporting me till I find a job to move, with a very rough deadline of 4 months, but I've been getting a lot of almost-there offers so it's OK. And I have the room to actually organise if worst case scenario I don't find employment here. I'd have better chances if I spoke the native language but all I can do is work on it.
He broke up with me. It's funny because we had a great morning. I broached a topic he's not comfortable with (but is healthy to discuss, sex related) and he just kind of shut down. I was like uh ok, left him to himself then he came out wanting to break up. He's wanted to break up before, but it felt more like him pulling outa trump card to win the argument. IDK I feel like he can really get in his head when things are negative but anyway.
I think it's not uncalled for. And I have to say (as you can see with letting me stay) he's very kind and caring. I've had anxiety and it's affected his life because I need to be reassured. I realised recently it only happens when in a relationship for me, and made the solid choice to stick with him, so I took on the difficult task of working on myself. He was terrible at communicating, so things would go a while fine then when I bring something up he throws every problem he's had with me back in my face when I didn't know a thing about it. So then I'm insecure about our relationship because just as he doesn't express when he's unhappy, same goes for happy. Anyway, I made the vow to work on myself and commit to improving, and he knew I expected him to improve communication. We had a great christmas, we loved trying out new things and trying to get into habits in January. We had an uneventful but cosy valentines day yesterday. I really thought he was happy. He looked happy, he acted happy. He was improving, I was improving. I bought plants and stuff because spring is coming. I bought an heavy machine for a hobby of mine. Basically what I'm trying to say here is I was full of hope and invested my confidence in our future. In order to assuage anxiety I had to reassure myself that our relationship is secure. I did this 3 days ago. I made a big list as to reasons why things are fine and there's no need to worry lmao. I've accepted this breakup because for a while now I've tried to sort my anxiety by saying that things are fine. This has shaken my confidence so much that I know I won't be ale to return to baseline even if we were to get back together.
I got a job interview the coming week. It was bad timing. I don't have anywhere solid to go back to in my home country. My mind is reeling. I only just realised I could apply to job for any country. I'll be living with him, I've never had this before. It feels like a recipe to get complacent and get back together. While I love him very much and would like that, I know it won't be the same if I do so I don't want to.
IDK what to do. I know I'm lucky to be in this post breakup situation, having a roof over my head and time to search for now. Should I even try with this interview anymore? It's close, and related to my discipline. But I don't need it to be close anymore and have way better chance overseas. What do I do? I mean not jsut my job but any rough guidelines? I think it'll have long term negative effects anxiety wise. Or it could improve it. I feel like all my breakups previously were rough then I had time to myself to process and deal. But everything is just so different this time. I'm sad and bitterly disappointed that my hope and efforts weren't enough to overcome his negative mindset, but yeah. Idk. I have no social network here, my friends in my home country and intermediate countries are long distanced.
God I was so looking forward to this spring and summer too. I thought we cracked it.
>>132876 > In order to assuage anxiety I had to reassure myself that our relationship is secure. I did this 3 days ago. I made a big list as to reasons why things are fine
I'm sorry anon. It sounds like in the back of your mind you maybe did know this was coming? I've been there before and went into denial because of anxiety.
What were the details of the sex discussion that you had shortly before? Have you set boundaries around sleeping arrangements for the next few months living there?
I'm not sure, I've had anxieties about it since being a dependent and money drain while his life was blossoming, and that's been a bit over a year ago. We had a bad time dealing with that, then started to work on it and improve. Idk I thought we were trapped in a negative cycle because I got anxious,it annoyed him then I got more anxious. But then we broke the cycle when he started to openly listen to me voice my concerns and then I felt better, so things never escalated and just improved. It was about getting a sex toy for us. Not a huge or bad thing but he always freezes up with sex talk, good or bad. I brought the fact he might want to work on that up and left him to stew on those thoughts.
We don't have sleeping arrangements but luckily anyway have 2 beds, so i think we'll be OK on that front.
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I broke up with my ex just barely 60 days ago, and day before yesterday I had a friend tell me that he's already on tinder. Our 2 years was worth less than 60 days to him, after he molested me in my sleep and nearly raped me, THEN LIED ABOUT IT RIGHT TO MY FACE, I'm the bad guy, and when I was honest about being uneasy about sex with him he dumped me. I'm in fucking awe, I was willing to give up everything for this asshole and the moment I said sex is gonna take time to work again he dumped me.
Honestly, Anons I was so dead set against sleeping around for a few years, but now I'm just fucking done. I had a panic attack when my friend told me but now I've moved on to being fucking furious. All I can think about is how badly I want to see him hurt like he hurt me, and I just wanna see some chick break his fucking heart in two. I should have fucking choked him when I had the chance.
I wept over this man, I put myself through hell trying to make shit work and you mean to tell me it only took him 60 day to get over his "soulmate". I was on the brink of suicide, I fucking loved him
What can I do to keep myself angry and not broken down and missing him? Am i wrong for wanting to see him hurt?
Why are you wasting any energy on being mad at this asshole? You said yourself he is a rapist.
That said like… 60 days is two months. A perfectly reasonable amount of time to get over a breakup and move on. And considering you broke up with him, he doesn't technically owe you much consideration in that respect. Like, you didn't want him so why would he owe you continuing loyalty?
This Saturday that just passed me & my friend group had a party at a hotel. My boyfriend was there and honestly he was like my best friend. My sister was there as well because my friend group really likes her and she's always had a hard time making friends because she is very shy. The hotel we stayed at had free drinks from 5:30-7:30 and all of us got pretty shit faced. My sister doesn't drink often so we had to put her to bed because she was too drunk. We all had a great night and even went down to smoke a couple of joints in my car. Fast forward to the next morning and everyone went down to have breakfast, my sister and I were the first ones done. When we got back to the room I had noticed my sister had a hickey on her neck. She is kinda stunted when it comes to sex (like a couple of years ago she told me she didn't think she had a clitoris, that kinda stunted). I asked her about it and she tells me that my (now ex)bf had come up into bed with her and was kissing on her & put his hand down her pants. My heart immediately sank. I confronted him on it and he swears he doesn't remember (which is semi believable since he has a history of blacking out) but I slapped the shit outta him and told him he needed to get his shit & his buddies and leave.
I would have NEVER, in a million years thought him capable of something like that. I found out later that it happened when he went back upstairs to "go to sleep" while we were smoking in the car. My sister was too fucked up to consent even if she had wanted it. She cried and said she would be afraid to be near him again if he was drunk. I feel so awful for my sister, she's a virgin and for him to fucking do that to her makes me so sick. If I had found out about it that night while drunk I would have honestly killed him. I've had a knot in my stomach since that morning. I would have bet my life that he wouldn't do something like that. I never once thought she was in danger because she was so drunk, we were all friends and have known each other half our lives. Thank God my sister seems to be handling it okay, and her therapist is coming to see her this wednesday so that is good as well. I've never felt a betrayal like this before, I wish he would've done ANYTHING else. He could've shot me and I'd be more understanding. I really thought I knew this man, and that he was a good man. I've always thought I had a good sense of character when it comes to others but I am completely blindsided. I see that hickey on her neck and it makes my stomach curl. I've never cried so much in my life. That is not a 'mistake' that can be forgiven. I've never been so depressed and heart broken in my life.
He fucked everything up by doing that to her. Our whole friend group is reeling from this as well, I think we all feel guilty that we never even thought my sister was in a place to be taken advantage of. We all would have trusted this man with our lives. I just don't understand how a man does such a thing, one who has never in the past had any inclination for that shit. All I know now is he'd better hope our Dad doesn't find out, my sister is a daddy's girl and he has beat men in the past for me & our mom.
Sorry for the late reply, but I stated I wasn't the one who broke up with him, I wanted to work things out with him, all I did was admit that I was now deathly afraid of sex again after years of sexual abuse in my childhood, and he left me.
The reason I wanted to work it out in hindsight it was because I was wrapped around his finger. 20/20 I guess.
I was mad about it only being 60 days because this man consistently shamed people for having sex with others no less than a year after a breakup, and tried to tell me how it would be years before he was over me, and tried to lead me on my asking if I wanted too we could be together in the future.
I tried to convince myself that it was my choice to break up or that it was my fault for being honest about my fears manifesting again but I realized I really didn't want too. I just wanted his patience with me and to acknowledge he hurt me.
I just felt so lied too, everything I thought I knew about him was just thrown out the fucking window. And even knowing what I did about him, it just made me feel like I was nothing to him. Like I was just his fucking toy.
I pushed myself into sex with him to start, because I felt broken and empty because I was afraid of it, and now I just feel like I'm never gonna be able to do it again, like unless I push myself too far again I won't be able too once again.
As someone with sexual abuse in my childhood and intimacy issues as a result I just want to say that the moment he gets pushy, lacks empathy around you having sexual trauma or touches you knowing you aren't consenting.. he instantly lost his 'good guy' status. He's not a good person, isn't a good partner for you or anyone with your past. Stop romanticising him in your memory by thinking of 'the good times'. Lots of men can be on their best behaviour for years but the moment they assault you, get abusive
, whatever, it's all over and there's no taking it back. You are romanticising a shitstain of a person.
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>>133266>and pretended to not know her but she knew who I was
I think honestly this is the best thing to do. Maybe not your intent, but I have to assume that kind of shit would drive someone crazy. Because she's probably either expecting you to publicly freak the fuck out on her so she can go "kek this bitch is soooo crazy she had it coming" and feel validated in her actions or she's riddled with guilt and wants some kind of confrontation from you so she can feel the air is cleared. Either way, pretending you don't know/recognize her seems like your best option.
Plus there's the element of cheating (sometimes) where the other woman needs feels special and like "I'm so irresistible that this dude was willing to ruin his relationship just to be with me and she must know that, she MUST know that I'm that much better than her". She's probably got delusions of grandeur in her head about the whole thing. By pretending you don't know her it makes it seem like she was so unimportant that your ex didn't even bother to mention who she was or that she was only some quick fuck who meant nothing.
>I didn't want to confront her cause I'm aware that she's not the one to blame
I disagree with this, if she was very aware of your relationship then she's just as much to blame in this situation. It's completely different if the other woman doesn't know she's the other woman and thinks she's just dating some dude and not hurting anyone. She knew what she was doing was hurting you, and she still did it.
But also that really sucks anon, sorry you had to go through that.
Oh anon, I send my love to you and your sister, that's so fucking rough and disgusting, I can't imagine how betrayed you must be feeling. Take all the time you need to heal.
As for me, I've been with my boyfriend only half a year but I've clocked that I might actually be in an emotionally abusive
relationship with him. This does not change and any attempts to leave are swiftly met with him grooming me and telling me that he'll change if I stay. He never does. Also maybe I'm being nitpicky but I put so much time and effort into being enough and looking good and he's shady and hides his female friends and doesn't seem to be over his long time crush who he lied to me about for the longest time, saying she was an ex. He's also a bad liar and constantly talks badly of his family. He decided to eat a pizza that was in the fridge that wasn't his and his dad came home angry at him and he victimised himself over it. I thought that worked as a metaphor because he's like this with me too. Recently my convicted pedophile stalker found me again and started leaving some really disturbing messages and the police are involved and I broke down over it last week. Boyfriend got angry at me for breaking down because he was convinced I was going to break up and made the whole thing about him, shaming me for it and then proceeding to invalidate it and instead whine that uni and work were hard. Nice but you don't have a pedophile stalker threatening to kill himself or harm you….anyway, there's a lot more reasons but every time I think I have it in me to cut a tie and break up I get really scared and convince myself that I'm being too harsh. But he's a manchild and gives me heavy topic vibes and he blames all his problems on everyone else and goes somewhat narccistic easily and I think I'm slowly falling out of love to protect myself. I feel like a tired mother. He also doesn't appreciate me or anything I do for him. It leaves me feeling very unsexy and unlovely and then I realise the guy I'm letting overlook me has let himself go, doesn't care over his weight, hair or hygiene, and acts about twelve. So why is it so hard for me to leave and tell myself I deserve someone who treats me well and hasn't lied to me every day of the relationship or threatened to hurt himself if I tried to stand up? I don't want to be a doormat.
Oh, maybe worth mentioning but I was abused heavily for a decade or so as a child. I'm going to therapy but I am definitely still that person that gives too many chances. Help.
Let's say you have a friend you're very close with, anon, someone you've known your whole life, and you saw a man like your boyfriend treating her the way yours treats you. Because she's someone you care deeply for, wouldn't you have some things to say to this friend? Wouldn't you be concerned? Wouldn't you be saddened, furious, on her behalf for allowing someone to belittle her in such a way? Wouldn't it piss you off to see all her efforts and care being poured into a worthless vacuum of a human being?
You have to be that friend to yourself, anon. You need to value yourself more than you value not being alone, and I know that can be difficult. You've been through some tough shit, you're still
going through some tough shit, and the devil you know is better than the uncertainty that leaving gives you. But you don't need this asshole and you certainly don't need his emotionally maladaptive bullshit
From where I'm looking, it seems like you have all the reasons you need to break it off. You're owed someone who isn't holding out for another woman and who doesn't constantly puts his feelings over yours. You deserve someone who can love you properly, so you may as well start with yourself and get the hell out while you're only half a year in. Stand your ground, tell him it's over and don't fucking look back as you leave. Shut that fucker out.
Don't waste giving any more of yourself over to him or there won't being anything of you left to give. (A little hyperbolic, yeah, but my point stands.)
Anon thank you for your pep talk, it's like I could feel you holding my shoulders and saying "no more of this". I'm a little awkward- how do I say this to him? Do I just say "it's over, goodbye" and leave?
I tried to before and he wouldn't stop calling my phone, when he's nearly lost me he's threatened suicide and when I stayed he told me he'd self harmed over it, I feel like he twists it to our mutual friends and he has a spiteful streak so I don't know if this is going to result in him trying to turn people against me but this doesn't feel right and I either get no apologies or I get a fake general "I'm sorry you feel that way" thing and I feel like my parents raised me better than this so you're right.
He'll probably also say that I can't just leave like that and that "we have to talk about this properly" and then thread a bunch of excuses in for his behaviour.
Now that I think about it he's always had this worryingly manipulative and emotionally unstable streak. He's meant to start therapy soon but I know he won't tell the therapist the whole truth and he lies to his laddy friends.
This guy is always gonna love himself more than me isn't he? Am I right to say he probably has NPD or ASPD? I'm not the first person he's butt heads with. He hides a lot of drama he's been in but I know snippets. And he always talks highly of himself like "I'm an asshole with heart of gold" and "I'm loyal to a fault anon" so I'm thinking I've been dating someone very toxic
and that you're right, he's an emotional vacuum.
He tries to make it up to me and buy me a lot of things and that's kind but I just want his emotional maturity and genuine change, I don't need any gifts, I just want him to not be so two faced. God, the amount of times ive been made to feel like /I/ was being inconsiderate of him….anon thank you, I really needed this reply. You're an angel.
>how do I say this to him? Do I just say "it's over, goodbye" and leave?
Basically? Yes. You've given him ample opportunity to improve and at every turn it seems he's thrown it back in your face. You tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you've tried all you can and that the relationship isn't going anywhere and that it's best if you went your separate ways. You gotta watch out for yourself, anon. If you have someone you trust that can be present as you cut him off, to help you keep your resolve, all the better. When you decide to break it off, block him on everything and ignore any and all attempts to reach out. Don't give him any chances to worm his way back in.
>I tried to before and he wouldn't stop calling my phone, when he's nearly lost me he's threatened suicide and when I stayed he told me he'd self harmed over it> He tries to make it up to me and buy me a lot of things and that's kind but I just want his emotional maturity and genuine change, I don't need any gifts, I just want him to not be so two faced.
These are huge ones, anon, and it's often a tactic used by the emotionally manipulative to get you to pity him and to guilt you. They use gifts to temporarily placate you and then take their own conscious decisions and insecurities and plant them on your shoulders to make what they do to themselves your responsibility. It isn't your fault if he hurts himself. It will never
be your fault and may a thousand fleas crawl up his asshole for trying to paint it in such a way. Fuck that.
>I feel like he twists it to our mutual friends and he has a spiteful streak so I don't know if this is going to result in him trying to turn people against me but this doesn't feel right
With most break ups, there will
be fallout. It's an unfortunate reality. I can't promise any of what happens will end in your favor, as people will make their own decisions and determine who it is they fall in line with. But if any of your mutual friends choose that bastard over you, they have this one anon's unwavering disgust and contempt.
Hold strong and god speed, anon.
That's War and Peace here, so I'm not sure if someone will even read it, but whatever.
It's been like ~3.5 years since my bf "broke up" with me (ghosted me completely, to be exact). We had a long distance relationship that lasted for approximately seven years, and we broke up before, like, two times. The first time was just stupid and wasn't really initiated by anyone (he thought it was solely my fault though), it happened due to a lack of communication. Second time was initiated by me and we didn't talk the whole year until I decided to get together again. After that, we were together for over three years, and then he ghosted me 'cause he decided that it wouldn't work out and started a relationship with another woman. He couldn't break up with me properly because he's afraid of conflict, negative emotions and so on. He didn't want me to know about his new relationship, too, even though he talked about this person before (they've become acquainted few months prior to the "break up") and everything about that was fishy from the very beginning, so I already suspected emotional cheating. He just gave up on us because he thought I would never move to his country.
And tbh I really wasn't that eager, it felt more like a sacrifice, which, I guess, probably makes relationship already doomed. But what really made me hesitant was that he still lived with his mother and she has a serious drinking problem. I was supposed to live with them together, because he didn't have his own apartment. He didn't see any other alternative since he's kinda rigid and afraid of change. So I tried to discuss this issue with him but he only got depressed and withdrawn. Then we had a weird talk and I'd been thinking he'd dumped me for a few days until he talked to me again, seemingly determined to do something about our situation. I wasn't ready to talk about it at the moment because I was completely devastated and I was just relieved he didn't leave me (yeah, pathetic). He probably took it as a sign that I simply didn't want to do anything. After a week or so he disappeared and we haven't talked since.
However, I had a chance to talk to his new (at the moment; she dumped him after few months of dating) girlfriend who contacted me 1.5 months after his disappearance. She've already wanted to dump him but do it smoothly, by returning him back to me, so she started to guilt trip me, kind of, and I almost fell for that. I continued talking to her because I really wanted to get to the bottom of it all (guess I'm probably masochistic as well) and make him nervous for that matter, because he knew we talked at least once. I know from her that it did make him anxious and afraid(?), he even teared up a bit, he was angry at her that she reminded him of me when he's almost got over. After she realized I wasn't going to arrive she became much more open and told me some things which he said about me. There were some touching words, but there was some really surprising stuff as well. It was like he got annoyed with every little thing about me. Also some things were just made up, and those weren't even serious things, really worth of annoyance. But I'm pretty sure he really said that, I mean, it wasn't her fantasy, it sounded quite like him. For some reason such misrepresentation aggravated me the most and I stopped missing him at once.
However, unfortunately, not for long. I didn't think about him for nearly a year, I mean, in positive light at least. I've already had new relationship, and a wonderful one. And then I started to think that we could've had it too, that we could also live like that and we dreamed about it. The thing is, he's my first love, and I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything like that. I was very emotionally invested in our relationship, felt like I was the one responsible for his happiness. And then, after that year we didn't talk, I started analyzing everything and realized that I was wrong here and there, that we're probably both guilty of such an outcome. Besides, I finally started treating my depression and felt much better. Subsequently, I felt like we could have a good talk and start with a clean slate, not making those old mistakes again. Also I heard that he finally moved from his mother. And I understand that it doesn't matter, I shouldn't think about it, because nothing of it negates his behavior right before and after the "break up". I guess I couldn't trust him anyway now. Moreover, it's stupid to expect someone to change or even that someone has changed already, without any evidence.
So I forget about him for some time, then I suddenly have a dream about him, it's usually nice, so I start missing him against my better judgement. Then I'm checking his social media like crazy, I forget some most unpleasant things and make excuses for the less unpleasant ones, then I remember something and get angry and upset because someone this important to me was so indifferent to my feelings, so I start feeling globally unloved, especially if I'm off my meds. I can't get rid of this stupid feeling that we have this special connection, like we're meant to be etc. I'm just so fucking unstable in my feelings towards him and in the way I see our relationships and this whole situation, and it seems like I can't control my thoughts at all. It's good though that I'm not as impulsive as I used to be, otherwise I would be trying to get together again any time I get overly optimistic about him. I have to say it gets better gradually, but I want to be completely over him, like, it's been three years, come on.
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Pressed send without attaching, oops
>i've just had a lot bottled and I'm sorry that it manifests the way it does
Emotional and mental constipation is not an excuse to mistreat the people you care about. This isn't an apology, this is deflection. Nowhere does it say he's actually sorry for the way he's treated you
. He needs to own his shitty behavior, whether it's based in an actual rational reaction or otherwise. Because being sick isn't a free pass to walk all over the people that care about you.
>it's not fair on you and I wouldn't blame you if it was goodbye
He says this and then says he loves you and, by some leap in logic, seems to expect this admittance of love to somehow to win you over? Where was this love when he was mistreating you? Where was this love of his when he was threatening you with self harm? The audacity
The fact of it all is this: the world will continue to turn and life will go on, whether he loves you or not, whether you are together or not. If he had an ounce of respect for you, he'd let this break come off clean and focus on getting that help he mentioned. Love is a team effort, and you, anon, shouldn't be the only trying to drag you both to the finish line.
I'm proud of you, anon. You got this.
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I agree with you. He did send this a few above but it still felt not genuine for some reason. Maybe it's the lack of directing it and just shrugging it off as everything. Either way you've helped confirm that I'm not being unreasonable and that I deserve better treatment than this.
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>>133648>but it still felt not genuine for some reason
Because it's not. He's just trying to throw the magic words at you until he gets the response from you that he wants, because until now, it's always worked (I don't mean that pejoratively). He's full of shit and a pussy ass narcissistic little bitch (I do mean that pejoratively). Let him ride the whambulance as hard as he wants, and just block him. You've said your piece, there's no need to keep the wound held open for him to rub more salt into. Break ups don't need to be mutual agreements, if you want out, you're allowed to get out.
And if he self harms or tries to top himself? Not on you, that's a decision he's made. He's the nutter killing himself (or trying to) over being dumped by his gf of 6 months.
I also have a history of abuse, and my high school boyfriend was exactly like your total dropkick of an ex. I stayed with him for three and a half years before I finally had it with his bullshit, and the damage it had done to my self esteem was incredible. I'm so glad you've recognised his bullshittery, and have taken the steps to get out.
Asking your therapist about how to deal with the dissonance between people's words and actions when they hurt you might be a good idea. Learn to identify the parts of a genuine, remorseful apology, because there's a lot more to it than someone just repeating "sorry" and "I didn't mean it" and "I love you" or changing the topic to excessive self-flagellation until it shuts you up so the hurtful behaviour can continue.
You deserve far better, you're not unreasonable, and you're not too sensitive (I don't think you mentioned but I'm sure he's pulled that line, right?). He's done hurtful things, you have every right to be hurt and to air that grievance with him, he's just a shitbird incapable of dealing with the consequences. You're not stuck up in wanting basic decency and respect from a partner.
The coming days will hurt the worst, but I doubt you'll feel all that bad about once you've stepped back far enough to be able to see the forest for the trees.
I'm really proud of you too, anon. Stay strong. It's hard not to feel like a bitch in these situations, but you're not. Like the other anon said, you've got this.
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You guys are like the fierce bigger sisters I never had, thank you, I feel a lot less awful about it and I think my guilt stems from people who guilt tripped me enough that I just do automatically nowadays. I'm tired of fake apologies and you're right anon, I fucking deserve better and I'd tell that to any friend going through this too. I need to stop forgiving him just because he insists he loves me and his good actions and our good memories do not ever justify or cover these. Thank you guys so much. The first ultimatum was November and since then this has just been a heavily regular occurrence that's ended up being valid
for a week and then the apologies all would get forgotten.
Also anon I'm really glad that you got out of that toxic
relationship and you sound super fierce and kind to me, I hope you've gotten all the help that you needed and I'll be sure to do the same and support myself sensibly.
Does anyone have any advice for getting out of a shitty relationship where you're completely financially dependent on your BF? I don't have kids and I have pets, *and( I live in The South so I really don't see any way to get out and be independent on my own when I have no money, credit, no family_friends left thanks to my BF 's possessive jealousy isolating me and I don't have a good family to go back to anyway (75% of why I got with him was to leave home tbqh).
Now, I can't hold a job, I'm about to lose my car, have no insurance and my tires got slashed 2 weeks ago yet BF wont help me replace them bc I'm broke as a joke. We are staying at his uncles for free which is nice of him, but I can't work without a car (bad area) and BF can't wake up and actually GO to work despite being able to get well paying jobs quickly (seems he just doesn't want to work).
Before I got with him, despite my family being abusive and manipulative I was lower middle class, yet now after only a year together I'm drowning in the debt I had just paid off before meeting him (credit cards for gas/food and then not being able to pay bills), I live around filth and broken stuff constantly (toilets that don't flush, front/back doors that don't lock despite the bad area, no heat/AC in Florida, refrigerator that doesn't really get cold enough for me to risk keeping meat/dairy without getting stomach issues or the shits).
I cry in the shower almost every night because it seems like he wants me to end up destitute and homeless so he can own me or something, like he doesn't want me to be independent. I guess he realizes that if I didn't need him so badly now, I would leave (hell, I'd leave if I could without being homeless, I can't even go to a shelter nc of my cat and dog and nobody I know with room for me wants my pets there).
Sorry for the typos, I'm on his shitty old galaxy s6 trying to rush bc he gets pissy when I type a lot to anyone but him. I guess I'm just venting here because I feel so trapped and helpless… I just wish guys weren't like this.
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How do you accept that you lost an entire family that cared about you and a chance at a better life?
I'm over him but I have a really hard time accepting that I lost the chance to have a better life since he was upper middle class, lived in a great city and had an okay family and I'm borderline poor, living in a tiny town, can't afford a car, move out and my family has always been a bit abusive and neglecting. It just makes me feel extra shitty.
Decide what’s more important the rest of your life or your animals
Contact a woman’s shelter and get out
Avoid the Red Cross or any big branded shelters
Pack your shit and leave
Concentrate on creating stability for yourself like >>134060
said. I dated a guy for three years where he had nice family connections and I lived with less money worries during that time.. he did however start fights and threaten to kick me out any time he lost his temper. Being in charge of your own finances is much more comforting and rewarding than relying on a partner to always be there.
The aftermath of my breakup is tearing me apart… sorry for the kinda long text.
I initiated the breakup, after a long time reflecting if it really had no other solution. It was painful, but we ended things in an alright way, no big fight or anything. I felt like I did the right thing, even though I spent a full week crying. I stayed quiet on all my social media, didn’t have any energy to interact with anyone.
However, he didn’t seem to feel the same: in the same day, he changed his relationship status everywhere to a big and public SINGLE, kept talking and shitposting on twitter like nothing had happened and started to like a lot of sexy cosplay pictures there (we still had each other on all social media then). I felt really disrespected, like he didn’t have any consideration towards my feelings even though he said he wanted to keep me as a friend (I wanted that too, as I thought of him as an important part of my life, even with all the bad moments that led to our breakup). I couldn’t stand seeing him act like that and unfollowed him. A month later, he messaged me asking how I was, but I didn’t have any strength to answer. Sometime after that, he started making flirty comments on pictures of a mutual friend of ours. It was like he was doing everything to piss me off. I felt extremely saddened and discarded, as if our three years of relationship didn’t mean a thing to him. So I started to think that he was just waiting for the moment I’d break up with him, even if he felt unhappy by my side, which pains me a lot. Was he really such a coward?
It’s been a few months since we broke up and I fluctuate between not thinking about it at all and feeling completely destroyed inside. Our friends say he never showed any sign of sadness to them, but they feel like he’s forcing himself to seem good and that the bad feelings he may be repressing will come sometime.
I do know I made the best decision by breaking up instead of forcing contact that I definitely wasn’t willing to have. I wasn’t feeling any attraction towards him, physical or emotional. I don’t want him back. But, still, I treasured our relationship and the good things that came with it. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling like this?
says. It really sounds like you wanted to achieve something with this breakup, especially since you did not even take a break, but immediately carried on as "friends". And even if that is not the case, you still seem way too attached to your ex and the fact that it makes you feel "destroyed inside" although you don’t want anything from him anymore makes you sound obsessive and jealous. According to your post you ended the relationship and don’t want him back. Him moving on is his right and not disrespectful, but of course it can be weird to see your ex doing that. Don't follow him on social media again, try to move on yourself and don’t investigate, e.g. asking your friends about him.
Come on now, nobody owes you not approaching your friends after a break up you initiate.
As for everything else, a lot of people cope by moving on as fast as possible, even if they don't really feel like it. Fake it till you make it or w/e. I think you're taking this too much as a personal attack, you two aren't a thing anymore, that kind of thinking has to go.
>I wasn’t feeling any attraction towards him, physical or emotional (…) I treasured our relationship and the good things that came with it.
That doesn't sound very good for the other person involved… combined this post reads like an ego trip. If you weren't really into him why want your past relationship being this huge solemn thing in his life looming over his every action? Do you want a personal dedication on his gravestone as well? lmao
>>134432 > I initiated the breakup > he changed his status to SINGLE > I felt extremely saddened and discarded > I felt really disrespected
Treat this as a life lesson I guess. You broke up when you weren't certain. Don't repeat the same mistake in future.
Let this guy move on, you don't sound like an emotionally healthy person. You're shifting blame onto him when he did nothing wrong. He got dumped and he took it well. Your pissed off (and frankly quite egotistical) feelings are entirely yours to deal with. Maybe in therapy.
My first post sounded way too dramatic, now that I read it again.>>134446>>134450
You two hit the closest to the actual situation. I’ll admit I felt kinda jealous and it all hit me in a bad way because it felt like he was shoving stuff in my face. I’m doing my best to not get any information on him and asked my friends to not tell me stuff about him. >>134451
it just really felt bad because, for a very long time, he used to treat me as if he couldn’t live without me. Sometimes it kinda felt as if I was responsible for him (and it could be overwhelming).That’s why I was shocked to see how quickly he moved on, but it was wrong to expect him to “mourn” our relationship like I did.>>134460
I was certain at the moment of the breakup. I just felt disappointed with the aftermath for reasons I explained above and, while he wasn’t doing anything wrong, it just felt unnecessary. I mean, why not just talk to girls in private? That’s what made me feel like I was nothing and stuff. I didn’t want to sound like I was shifting blame onto him or anything like that.
At least I know now that the way I worded things made a terrible impression of myself lmao
That said, I realized I’m feeling like that because I’m just remembering the good parts of the past and not the tons of reasons that led to the breakup. It was my first long term relationship and I didn’t deal with anything quite like this before.
>>134477 > It was my first long term relationship and I didn’t deal with anything quite like this before.
Tbh given the context that this is your first real breakup I feel like I was a little judgey.
Thing is he probably did grieve more than he showed you. In my experience men are just more inclined to do that. They want to maintain some pride, which is fair but it leaves us feeling like they are indifferent to losing us. Trust that he did grieve but he's entitled to keep that pride and move on at his own pace.
It’s alright, it’s difficult not to judge when you only have that wall of text to base any advice on. Thanks for the comprehension though.
Yeah, it must’ve been something like that. I guess he’s just trying to keep his head up and wasn’t exactly wanting to attack me by doing any of that. Thanks again, I’ll remember this if I go through something similar in the future.
How long has it been since the breakup?
I felt similar after my marriage ended and tbh it took a few years before I had sex with another person but I eased into things by embracing some celebrity crushes and building fantasies in my head, watching marathons of movies with attractive actors in them and investing in a couple of adult toys.
It goes away.
I was with my ex for 6+ years and it took me around 2 years to be able to do something sexual with someone else. I still haven't but the mental block is mostly gone now
hi, sorry. this is probably going to end up a wall of blog text. but i really need some honest advice here.
i posted in the relationship advice thread almost a year ago after i was ghosted by a girl i was truly in love with. to be rly brief, she was a lesbian in a straight marriage that she had to 'convince' herself over + over that it was still okay. she had cried about being unable to get a divorce bc of her family. we almost stopped talking a couple of times but we couldn't make peace with parting or continuing to talk as just friends. i said this before + i rly realise some posters will call me scum for 'messing' with a marriage but she was really regretting the decisions she made at the time we got involved. there is a lot of stuff i'm omitting but it wasn't some cheap affair + there was no sex or anything like that involved. everything really was perfect + she used to tell me she wished she had met me instead.
the background to the ghosting is that her husband was v controlling and was trying to pressure her to delete her one form of social media she had left. i was supposed to delete it for her because there was no way to do it through the app at the time + the only other pc she had access to then was his.. + obviously that wasn't an option. on the day before she was supposed to delete it everything was better than it ever was. we were trying to make plans to spend a couple of weeks together to see if we still clicked being with each other 24/7, i made a christmas present for her, we talked for hours on end, + everything felt like it was finally falling into place. she never showed up the day she said she needed to. i didn't hear from her in a week so i obviously got v worried and anxious because she always apologised (needlessly) for being unable to talk to me for whatever reason. i texted her + got no response. i emailed her 3 weeks later + got no response for almost another week. when she did show up she was furious + the things she said to me really destroyed me. she backpedalled everything she had ever said to me about what i meant to her in an instant. i know that he saw the text + i don't know what else he found out but she told me she'd be back in a couple of months to talk things out. this was january last year. she has never gotten back in contact even after i tried to reach out in the few 'safe' ways i had.
i have no idea what to do. i was ready to give my life + more to this girl bc i thought that we'd somehow work it out. i don't know what i did wrong. i don't have any idea what happened. it was all fine until that week. i have been to grief counselling, i have been to therapy, i have talked it out with friends. i cannot actually process what happened, as pathetic as it is, no matter how long has passed. i fell into a bad spiral of alcoholism last year over it after she left. when i stopped drinking the first time i went into serious withdrawal + had a tachycardia episode that led to a 'mild' heart attack that left me with permanent damage to my heart. i ended up going back to alcohol anyway because i couldn't cope with the anxiety sober. i run through everything i mightve done wrong in my mind over + over every single day. i was still drinking almost a liter of vodka over 2 days until a few nights ago when i ended up having an anxiety attack anyway, sobbing in my bed and puking all over myself. i even had to call someone to come + clean me up. i felt so pathetic that i'm going through another attempt at getting sober again.
i have wrestled with the idea of messaging her one last time because i desperately need closure + answers so that i can at least attempt to make some peace with it, but i also on the other hand am absolutely terrified of her coming back full of hate that i dared to message her. the issue is that the only contact i have left is an email that her entire family can see, + i don't know if it's over the line to message it, or if i should do it + be vague, or if i should just come out + straight up tell her how bad things are. i only want to know what happened. i know shes made her choice. but it still feels like this is going to look like needless stirring even if it isn't.
am i wrong to want to message her? do i have the right? am i being spineless if i don't? i understand it's pathetic, but please help me. i'm so lost.
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Anon, it's a tough time, but
> i was ready to give my life + more to this girl bc i thought that we'd somehow work it out. i don't know what i did wrong. i don't have any idea what happened. it was all fine until that week.
You messed with a marriage. it doesnt usually work out that way. Was this marrried woman perfect for you? Maybe she was. She also sounds like potentially heavy case of bpd. There are so many reasons that its a bad idea to rush into a marriage like that, and you've learned one of the many.
Take it as a lesson, and move on.
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The brain is so fucking weird. I've been in a new super great relationship for 2 years, 3 years now since my abusive ex of 5 yrs. I've been reading "When he won't change" by Jack Ito not because my current bf is problematic but because I react way overboard whenever any disagreements appear (because of the previous abusive relationship obviously) and I heard it has some good advice. But while I'm reading, the author is always giving examples of "difficult" behavior by a partner which my current bf doesn't have but my ex did on all fronts and reading it feels as if I'm still trying to deal with my ex? Like my brain reads a chapter and is like "Yeah so we should do this, when your ex does that" which makes no sense right…? I have to literally put in effort to think of my current bf while reading instead. Smh. I hope this serves as a warning to others…
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It's been almost a week since my fiancé dumped me. I've started packing my shit but right now I have zero motivation to do anything. I'm struggling between "lets get all our stuff ready so we can leave right now, stop being lazy" and "it's okay to wallow for a bit, its the death of a serious 3 year relationship". I'm at an impasse since I'm completely alone right now. I want help to get my stuff but obviously corona prevents that, and even then I live in another country at the moment so any friends and family aren't here. I just wish things were different and I never moved to this stupid place.
First of all, this post was so hard to read…
Secondly…your friend seems kinda controlling in some ways but I don’t really know how he wanted to be with you this long tbh, even as a friend.
Anon, just do me a favour and try to search for the self criticism in your post. As long as it is, I only see excuses and explanations but nothing like “I know I was wrong there and there”. It seems to me pretty obvious why he got tired after a while. It seems like you want to be listened and understood but you can’t make the minimal effort to do the same for him, even with little unimportant things. You want a relationship with him but basically you always trash his opinions about everything. Always have an excuse for everything. And then you panic when he calls you out.
What were you expecting then?
This is so hard to read but honestly what I could make out of this is that yes you are way too much especially for someone who wasn't even in a relationship with the person. Calling someone 70+ times and texting them across various different platform. I would have block you.
You say you didn't want a relationship/that wasn't the end game yet you said "what do you want me to do with these feelings." Clearly the guy cared for you, most likely even liked you in the beginning but didn't think he was ready for a relationship. I'm gonna be blunt but you are legit a mess and need to learn to have adult conversation. You can't have a tantrum because someone said something you did like, especially when the person clearly care about you and your health.
If this was posted in the pov of the guy, anons probably would have said you dodge a bullet. Take that into consideration and actually use this time to reflect what you could have done and how to better yourself
It sounds to me like you're both a bit awful and immature honestly.
>He says he cares about your health but wants to put you on bc for his own benefit, despite the fact that bc can harm your health a lot.
>He's not your boyfriend and won't let you be affectionate but yet he wants to control what you eat and how you live your life.
>"I'll have more respect for you and youd have more respect for yourself if you just learned how to cook."
What a piece of shit honestly.
Also implying that you're not a young teen you're a bit of a womanchild and need to work on getting your life together and also work on your attachment issues. But don't be fooled into thinking this guy has done no wrong, he's a hypocrite, controlling and manipulative piece of shit.
Caring and being concerned with someone else’s bad habits is nowhere in this world controlling. Jfc.
A person who cares for herself is normally more respected than someone who just jumps into whatever fast food restaurant. It’s something, you know, grown up adults do.
The actual issue is that neither of you had any healthy boundaries as friends with benefits. None. Sorry to say anon but it sounds like you were hoping the FWB would turn into a relationship someday. Please don't make that assumption again, I've rarely seen casual sex relationships turn into meaningful, long term serious ones. Only engage in casual sex if you know you'll be okay with it never going anywhere.
If you ever intend to have another FWB in the future, learn to compartmentalize and accept that you cannot treat a sexual relationship like a romantic relationship or platonic friendship with men. He told you repeatedly that he could not give you the kind of relationship you require yet you persisted and set yourself up for hurt feelings. Regarding the other issues, like him criticizing your eating habits or you calling him 70+ times, etc.–none of those things should have happened because you didn't owe each other emotional labor. Neither of you should have been in each other's business to such an extent. He also negged you a lot, like bringing up your 2.0 gpa, really? What did he care if he was never going to date you and no less marry you?
Honestly I agree with your mom that he's manipulative. He flat out said he didn't respect you. Most men know when a woman they're sleeping with is developing feelings, but rather than have the uncomfortable conversation and cut you off before things got out of hand, he kept your "emotional" ass around as a sexual option while pretending like he was doing you a huge favor to put up with you. Instead of accepting your flaws, he tried to control and change you then withdrew affection when you didn't. I have no doubt that he got a major ego boost from you having chased him and acted so crazy over him. I know you said he drove to you, but anon you really gave him too much of your heart for very little effort on his end. No offense. Like, if he thought your food choices were so poor then why didn't he treat you to a wonderful restaurant where the food was clean instead of letting you buy Mcdonald's? He sounds like a low quality scum.
I think you'll have a lot of growth with a behavioral therapist, you might be able to pick up some techniques to emotionally cope when you start to feel your emotions spiraling and wanting to jump to extremes. Don't give up on yourself. Readjust your crown and move on from this guy. It'll be nothing more than an embarrassing and silly memory in a few years. Please make sure you block him on all platforms and never speak to him again.
I clearly said that she's a bit of a womanchild and that she should get her life together. I agree any functional adult knows how to cook and care for themselves. But by the looks of it he sounds hypocritical as fuck.
I don't trust any man that continuously nags a woman to get birth control by herself instead of going to buy condoms himself. I bet he doesn't even cook, because he just tells her to look it up online instead of actually giving her any advice at all on how to cook or plan for meals. Any person that cooks has practical advice for what works for them, like stuff you can prep on the weekend to use throughout the week and stuff like that.
Also it's not the same to give advice to a friend than to literally get into arguments if they don't follow your command, and threatening to end their "friendship" if they don't do what you say. In the end he's done nothing to help her get healthier.
Sorry but he's behaving just as psycho as her.
Condoms are objectively worse than hormonal and intrauterine birth control even when they are used correctly. Their main use is preventing STDs. Ideally, both should be used.
Just throwing it out there.
The very pill I used to treat pcos was confirmed to kill 20 women per year in France alone. Other pills have also shown to increase the risk for blood cloths.
The guy pretends to care so much for her health yet pushes her to get something that can often cause weight gain, depression, mood swings, and kill her libido (and although very rare it could even kill her).
I'm not saying it's super dangerous but it's solely her choice if it's worth it to put herself through that or not. It's shitty of him to push her to do it for his own benefit.
Hey yall thanks so much for responding an giving your honest takes I just wanted to clear something's up >>136348
So in regards to the BC thing while he did kind of push for birth control the few times we did try to get things going he did offer and put on a condom eventually. It was less so about trying to control me and more so him trying to push me towards positive choices through advice. And to him it seemed like I never took the time to truly consider it and that's how things got frustrating.>>136360
I think this had alot of good points we definitely were to involved with each other to keep up a just FWB relationship it was more so though that my attachment and obsession came more so from a sense of entitlement and selfishness but he genuinely wanted to help change me for the better and wanted me to choose better options. Not only did he drive to me he got me gifts lent me cash at least twice and the fast food issue was a nearly everyday thing he wasnt really around me everyday to take me out to restaurants though he did treat me to brunch I really dont think he was trying to be manipulative or a force change . He genuinely wanted to help with my bad habits and just wanted to feel listened to. Though I agree that he should've of tried to back out ounce he knew I had feelings and he didnt though again it takes two to tango obviously and he did become a hypercritical and nagging after a bit.
>>136864>I still feel that my ex was my soulmate
Why exactly do you think so?
Also why did you break up?
All of my interests are female-dominated and he's the only straight man I've ever met that shared them. We never ran out of things to talk about or ways to relate to one another. He was literally my other half. The typical interests of men are really boring to me so I can't relate to them much or have deep conversations.
We broke up because he stopped feeling anything for me. I'm not sure if he really loved me at any point, but by that point he definitely didn't anymore.>>136889
I have plenty of hobbies, a great job etc. But that doesn't change my feelings about the romance part of my life.>>136890
It's not that I don't feel complete, or else I would have settled for any partner. It's just that when I do try for it, it never feels right anymore.
i am kind of in that boat with my ex. i think what bothers me the most is that i didn't feel "enough" and that no matter how hard i tried in the relationship, it didn't matter and my best wasn't enough. ofc i do love him and care for him etc, i just think that the issue is more of a me problem than it is he is my everlasting soulmate. because if he was, he would be there.
take it as a lesson learned and focus on you. give people chances. when i met my ex i actually didn't even like him that much but he seemed nice and interesting etc. even if it's been 2 yrs it's fine, i think it would be weirder if you instantly found another love of your life. you just need time is all
I feel like a fucking crazy person! I've been obsessively thinking about someone I had feelings for that never came to fruition for almost 5 months now. I posted about how our friendship ended here >>132327
when it happened, I found out they broke up with my other exfriend and I haven't stopped thinking about them since, all progress I've made with getting over it literally reverted and I feel like it just happened a week ago again.
I've never loved anyone like this before, and I'm really scared I'm never going to move on since it's been so long. I still check their locked finsta to see if the post count goes up and check their twitter multiple times a day. Blocking them or denying myself checking them doesn't help, I just think about it constantly instead.
I have no idea how they actually feel about me or what happened since we literally haven't spoken since it happened. I want to reach out to them somehow but I'd have to do it in crazy psycho bitch ways like making a side account to DM them or something, which just feels really wrong. They've told me they aren't the type to ever reach out to people first and that's the only reason the idea is even entertainable to me. They could want to talk to me again but don't want to reach out. Or they could of forgotten about me already. Or they could hate me. I literally don't know!
Since it has happened I've had sex, I've moved forward in my life, I've made new friends, I've changed myself for the better - but instead of gaining the confidence that I don't want them anymore I just think about how I wish I could've shared ever accomplishment with them and how much I wish they cared. No one else has been attractive to me since them. Theyre on my mind constantly, I have PTSD and I've started having flashbacks about stuff we did together. Whenever I leave my house I constantly look around for their car because I wish I could see them again. I just want to talk to them again to find out how they actually feel and apologize if I have to or something.
None of our mutual friends know this happened and if they do know their opinion of me doesn't seem to be changed, but I haven't really asked much. Our only close mutual friend follows their finsta where I have no idea if they cared enough to vent about me and what happened with us. I don't really talk to a lot of people anymore because I'm literally almost traumatized over what happened between me and this person and don't feel like myself anymore.
I just want to stop thinking about them and stop being in love with them so badly. This fucking sucks and I don't know how to move on.
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years a little over a month ago because I was fed up with him gaslighting and negging me.
now that I have 0 friends and I have absolutely no one I miss him a lot, he was the only person in my life for the last couple years, everyone else ghost me after a few days.
I don't wish to get back with him but I can't help but feel helpless and sad.
I had my whole future planned with him in consideration and now I have to replan my whole life, I have been depressed for long before breaking up with him but then I had hope things would turn around one day, now I just know that I'm here and I have no one.
I tried to text people and I've been checking my phone for new messages from anyone all day, wish I had friends that make me feel like I matter.
I can't deal with my recent breakup, especially with social distancing but also in general I just want to kms. I don't think I'll meet anyone I could love like him again, god I'm so lonely and now I can't even make friends probably for a year or something.
We broke up because of mental health which has caused a lot of baggage and resentment even though we still love and care for each other, we even made an agreement to get in touch when we're both 30 and maybe try again if we both have fixed our issues and if neither is in a relationship at that point… It's so dumb, I know it isn't even a good idea, but I don't think I want to be with anyone else. I haven't met even five people in my life with whom I could be compatible, even though most of my acquaintances are male and kind of like-minded, and I'm not that young anymore.
So now I'm just crying all day and thinking about seeing and hugging him again in a few years, and sleeping next to him again. Jesus christ, I can't let go of this hope but how will I get over him, I just want it so so much.
I don't think it's weird. At 16 your brain is still developing and experiences like that can really stick with you for a long time. It's a vulnerable age. Plus being cheated on is always traumatic, especially since you went through the loss of a loved one at the same time.
Have you talked to your husband about this?
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I wish I knew of this thread when my ex dumped me 6 months ago. I wasn't too upset with the breakup since i only found out 2 months after he stopped talking to me and by then i was already with family and friends.
The thing that upset me more was finding out my ex was still on a kink site that he told me he deleted and that he was talking to a bunch of women sexually while he was with me. I was trying so hard for my ex to give me physical affection and even sex but he would put it off and there he is on a kink site saying that he hasn't had sex in ages and would love to get physical with someone… I felt like that made me feel physically unattractive while at the same time guys just being only physically attracted to me…. this destroyed my confidence in being in a relationship let alone how im seen to guys.
I feel like the thing that's hurts is seeing how happy my friend's relationships are and how they're in a long committed relationships compare to mine that don't even last a year… I'm not looking right now to get into a relationship (mainly because i want to work on myself more and i want to travel) but i have doubt someone would want an actual relationship with me and be attracted to me long term…
your ex was an asshole and he used being as an excuse because he didn't find a flaw in you, it's not you that is the issue but him. I'm pretty sure not everyone who's in a relationship is happy but you'll eventually find someone that you're compatible with and can be happy together and it's okay if you don't because being single has more perks than being in a relationship, IMO it's always better being single than in an unfulfilling relationship that sucks your soul, I know getting through a breakup is harsh but try to find more friends and to get back to the things you abandoned due to the relationship, try to get to in touch again with yourself and accept yourself for who you're…
good luck for both of us on our journies, it's a long tough one but it's worth it, it's time for a fresh start.
Thank you anon for your comment, i learned my lesson of dating shitty broke guys. I do feel happy being single but i do get a bit sad hearing my friends talk about their relationships.
tbh my best friend's friend told me about how he had sex with my best friend because her sex with her bf (that she's been with for the past 6 years) is really shit, that and her mental health is pretty bad. my friend would force herself onto her friend and tell him to hit her while having sex… its so messed up… hopefully she still isn't like that now but who knows.
anyways I wish you luck on your journey with whatever you have been through and hope you're giving yourself self care and love.
seconded, you deserve someone who appreciates you and it will take a while but you will get there and you do not have to settle for the bare minimum or compromise when he hurts you.
it took me a long time to break up but I was >>133593
and god, even when I told him I was breaking up he tried to control me and he phoned me prefacing it as "not to try and talk me into staying" but a few minutes later I could hear him getting agitated when he'd ask if he could win me back or what to do if he never gets over me and it felt good. Really good after months of being treated like shit. I'm now much happier and I don't feel tied down and nobody is threatening self harm to control me, I just leave him be.
We tend to forgive a lot more than we should and ending it is easier said than done but you will get there, your ex was a pig and I know it must be easy to look at happier relationships of your friends and yearn but when you least expect it you'll probably fall into one with someone amazing who doesn't give you these issues or compromise your self esteem. It must be hard finding out so recently that he'd done something like this behind your back, I'm so sorry. He didn't deserve you, he was a scumbag and it reflects him and his self worth and not yours!!
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Can someone please help me to stop thinking about killing myself? I keep thinking of a really tall bridge in driving distance.
The only light in my life has gone out. I would’ve supported him and given him all my love through thick and thin but he said that his depression was making it not possible to be in a relationship with me. We were together for over a year and I feel devastated every single waking moment. I keep randomly crying whenever I think of him. I’m in constant, incapacitating emotional pain. I feel like I never want to love again. i wanted us to be like pic related
Please help me. I dont want to die. I am in so much pain. I invested so much and was so committed. I keep watching videos and reading news articles about people jumping from bridges
Just please help me… advice, funny videos/podcasts, cute animal pictures or videos, songs that make you happy or want to dance.. please just anything to console me or distract me. I dont want to be alive
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I think I remember you from the vent thread, apologies if I'm wrong. Either way I'm really sorry you're going through this anon, I don't know if there's anything I can say to help you with the pain you're feeling but I wanted you to know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
I meant that I do not care if I sound “dramatic” to you. I have no one to vent to and am not in a great state of mind right now. Get out of the breakup support thread and vent threads if they make you so bothered. MOOOOOO>>140568
Thank you so much for this anon. Even a short silly video can boost my spirits a little.>>140570
Yeah that was me… this response means a lot to me and makes me feel less alone. Thank you.
Sounds like you're feeling lost without your ex… Your feelings are completely understandable, but I hope you know, you were okay before he was in your life, and you will be okay without him again someday. Hang in there friend, just try to get through the next few hours, and it'll turn into weeks, then years.
If you're from the USA you can text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 if you need to chat with someone!
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I dumped my ex three months ago after 3 years of being on and off, he was a complete asshole but I used to find him genuinely hot like an 8/10, I still haven't deleted his photos but I haven't looked at them in months and I did last night , to my surprise he looks so drastically different, the photos are the same but I used to be under his effect I saw him way more attractive than he actually is.
he's fucking ugly, gross, and below average, he's more like a 5.5/10 I'm waaaay out of his league, I'm glad I dumped him.
Yeah me too, but I'll be damned if I let that make me reconsider my toxic
behaviour and try to become a better person.
Your ex sounds disgusting as hell, good riddance.
Tall girls are gorgeous, don't let this lolicon (gawd) make you feel bad about a trait that so many of us wish we had. I bet you're gorgeous, anon :>
By chance your bf happened to have a fetish for small girls, you literally just had bad luck ending up with him. That's no reason to let it ruin your self esteem. What if your next bf has a fetish for tall amazonian women? Is that gonna give you another crisis over your appearance if you're not as tall as he prefers?
Guys can have fetishes for any body type but height is generally not a big deal for women, there is no universal preference for short women the way there is for tall men. Plenty of men like tall girls, even more simply just do not give a shit and care about an infinite amount of other attributes more.
It's common, a lot of people stay stagnant in a relationship because they're scared of change. Also if you were in a toxic
relationship where you were always put down or whatever you'll probably be even more unwilling to believe you could ever find someone to love you because the person you choose and told you they loved you changes and now act like you worst enemy blah blah blah. You're feeling betrayed and defeated. I've been there. It's a cliche but time will really heal it. You'll look back and blame yourself but it wasn't your fault. You needed to go through it to learn lessons for yourself and don't forget them. I made that mistake and gave a guy a lot of leeway with me just for it to blow up in my face with me picking up the pieces. It's even more annoying because it's not something you can proudly discuss too but you will feel stronger because of it. Good luck anon
I could use some support. I've been with my boyfriend for several years and have recently realized that I've come to accept the "bare minimum" as enough only because the relationship was terrible when it started. I was too naive to realize that love doesn't overcome all and the way he was treating me was not okay. At this stage he is no longer emotionally abusive (at least not with regularity), but that's kind of a low bar for my expectations.
When things are good they're incredible, but at least every other week he does something that hurts me, shows he's not very reliable and supportive, or otherwise lets me down. I am not a high maintenance partner, and I give 150% in relationships. Just once I would like to be with a man who does the same for me simply because he wants to, and not because I'm desperately trying to convince him of my worth. It's degrading and humiliating, and I believe (at last) I deserve better.
Still. I really love my boyfriend and want the best for him. Despite him not living up to my expectations, he makes me laugh, we have a ton of interests in common, he's creative and super smart. He is the biggest source of my happiness in life right now, despite also being the biggest source of my distress. We live together and the thought of moving is horrible, plus I don't want him to spiral and not take care of himself. But I realize these are all bad reasons to stay. My one hope is that he suddenly starts doing all the sweet, thoughtful and romantic things I'd always wanted from him, but I've given him ample time to show me he'd be willing to do those things. He has changed some, but I feel it's too little, late. I want to move on but I don't. I know I'd miss him terribly, but I feel like if he really was the right person for me, I wouldn't be having these feelings at all.
I've been in a similar situation and the two things that made me hang in there for so long were 'I don't want to move' and 'well he does the very odd thing that's nice and thoughtful' I reached a point where I realised couples counselling was needed if we were to stand any real chance of permanent change. I had already been in solo therapy in order to bring my best self to the table…but he wasn't willing to do therapy. That said everything that I needed to know.
Have you had couples therapy before? You say he's improved slightly over the years but still say there's infrequent emotional abuse so I would think it's only fair that you'd require him to take this seriously and get therapy or gtfo.
Thank you for your support and thoughts. It makes me feel a bit better to know someone else has gone through this and successfully moved on.
We have discussed individual and couple's counseling in the past. I ended up going for myself, he didn't (although he followed a therapy protocol alone at my suggestion). It got brought up again later, but because we ended up talking things out, nothing came of it. "He does the very odd thing that's nice and thoughtful" really hits home. I don't like feeling as if I'm begging for scraps of his affection. While I would've jumped at the idea earlier, at this point I'm the one reluctant to go to therapy because it feels like yet another thing I need to do to convince him of my worth. We've been together nearly three years, and as recently as a few weeks ago he told me he was uncertain about whether I was the most important thing in his life. But he apparently "knows now." I was all in at the start of our relationship, focusing on him and going out of my way to support him, but it took him THREE YEARS.
That's just insane to me. I felt hurt, again, but also not entirely surprised. His treatment of me has been characterized by inconsistency and selfishness this entire time. I made him aware of how he was hurting me, but he's never actively sought help to do/be better on his own. I don't begrudge him having other important areas of his life at all, but I feel you can have a balanced life while still prioritizing your partner. And he just hasn't done that for me. I appreciate you asking questions and letting me talk. It's helped make me feel more certain of what I need to do.
The guy I've been dating for the past 5 months broke up with me out of the blue because he doesn't have feelings for me and thinks he never will.
I feel completelty devastated. I did not expect this at all, we had just spent the weekend together and I had an awesome time. Things have been really intense lately (in a good sense for me) and I really thought things were going awesome. I had some doubts at the beginning of our relationship because we had some misunderstandings and communication issues, but we worked things out and things have become better and better recently. I feel shocked and embarrassed about the fact that throughout this whole time he didn't have any feelings for me, whereas I did.
He said that he is usually kind of slow at developing feelings, but in the past it has always happened after 3 months or so. He decided it would be better to end things now because after 5 months he still isn't feeling anything. I accept his decision, but I feel that the timing of the breakup is just a little off, as in the past two months we kept having 1 or 2 week breaks due to either one of us being on vacations, making it even more difficult to develop something. I really wish he had given it more time..
He said he really likes me, I'm the perfect package and he always had an awesome time with me and he doesn't understand himself why it just didn't happen. I can't stop thinking if there is something I could have done differently to make him fall for me.
I don't know what to do - I feel like there is no hope for us, but I can't help but wish that maybe we could try again. I was so happy to finally have found someone good for me and now, once again, I feel so unloved..
I've had a couple of short relationships where feelings fizzled out about as quickly as they started.. but it's pretty odd that he's making out that the feelings were never even there in the first place??
You wouldn't date, commit to the title of bf, spend weekends together (I assume sleep with each other) all while feeling nothing. It sounds like either the feeling came and left quickly or tbh it sounds like there could be another person. I've found that sudden breakups with weird explanations often mean that.
5 months is annoying but I've seen women dumped christmas week and told 'I lost feelings for you 6 months ago' At least summer break ups give you enough time to be truly over it before xmas/new years. I might just be grasping at straws to find a silver lining… Sorry you're going through this anon.
Thank you for your replies anons!
I am glad that he thinks of me as a great person, but indeed it makes things more complicated because now I can't help but wonder why I just wasn't enough for him.. Like, is there something I could have done better to make him fall for me?
Also I can't stop thinking that maybe, if he we had continued just a bit longer, he would have developed feelings etc.. On the other side I am glad he didn't string me along for too long though.
In this case I really don't think it's because he met someone else, although of course you never know. When we met two days ago to discuss things he explained to me how he really loved spending time with me, and each time before we would hang out he'd think "this time I'm finally gonna feel something" but it just never happened because something is missing.
I hope I'll be strong and not text him.. I really miss him already.
I honestly don't think so.. He said he's attracted to me when we had our breakup talk, and based on his behavior when we were together he did seem to be into me. Although you never know of course, maybe he lied.
He just said it's that little spark that was missing. Whatever that means..
In my mind the spark usually means
'amazing person I always want to see again where there's a lot of attraction'
I feel like he's lying about something, either to save your feelings or cover up his own secrets. You never get answers when the dump-er does that. Been there and tbh his lack of just blatant honestly caused me way more suffering. I couldn't get closure because I knew he made no sense in his explanation. It made me hang onto false hope.
I wonder if I should contact him again to ask him what exactly was missing in his opinion/ to be 100% honest?
I regret not asking those questions the other day, but I was just too overwhelmed with the whole situation and couldn't think clearly, so I just went with his explanation.
Please don’t anon, i feel for you but this guy sounds really nice to at least give you a clear explanation.
You HAVE your closure, he simply didn’t develop feelings for you. I’ve been there myself.
I have been in relationships in the past where there was a spark, and now I can tell when I like someone but don’t like LIKE them, so it’s probably the same for him.
I understand how you feel about feeling unloved but you clearly can attract people and not just for hookups, so there’s nothing wrong with your looks or personality. It just means that the person who will be genuinely excited and want to be intense with you is right around the corner but it’s not this one dude.
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A bit of a vent incoming. I broke up with my ex messily almost 2 years ago and I think I truly am over her but sometimes something reminds me of her or our relationship and I get a huge rush of emotions. I was in a bad place at the time and honestly a shitty girlfriend, now I'm a better person in a healthier relationship but I still wish I could apologize to her. Most of the time I'm of the "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" mindset where I can appreciate the good times and accept and learn from the bad but times like tonight I can't stop crying and staring at her locked instagram that I can't view anymore (since I softblocked her a while ago). I miss her so much I just want her to be happy.
>>154114>that im awesome, always been supportive, etc.
It sounds like being in a relationship with you was a learning experience and net positive for him, I'd call that a win! Honestly the fact you're concerned about this at all tells me you're a good person, so I wouldn't stress over it. In my eyes and just about all of society's, your relationship was totally healthy. (And I'm saying this as someone who was
once a teenager with a much older partner.) Whoever you end up with next is lucky to have a partner who will be conscious of their needs and maturity level.
I'm sorry you're going through this anon and I know it's hard. If I might make some recommendations, you know this guy hurt you and only ended up making you feel worse about yourself. That's not someone you want back in your life. As you say, you're missing the companionship in general, even if it was a poor excuse for it. Getting ghosted may not be fun, but it's honestly 100x better than someone who puts you down for your interests. You made the choice to open up to your ex, and now you can make that choice again with people who may feel neutral at "worst" but interested and happy to know you at best. Chances for social fulfillment are much higher going that route than being with someone you know is toxic
It could be helpful if you joined some groups relating to hobbies or interests you have. Whether there's anything in person or just an online group like a Discord, subreddit, Facebook group, etc. You will have an outlet to discuss some of the things you like with other people who enjoy them as well. The level of interaction may feel more shallow at first, but at least it will help you get re-acclimatized to normal interactions.
alright, this is gonna sound really pathetic now that i put it into words… i fell in love with a guy who was playing multiple other girls. i really liked him, and he said he liked me too. i'm a megavirgin, like i've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, nothing. it's so embarrassing when i'm 18 and most of my friends have/had partners and have lost their virginity. we began talking a good while ago and he was so nice, let me talk about my problems but he never spoke about his..
i always asked how he was, even when he'd leave me on delivered for over 16 hours i'd always reply back within 10 minutes to an hour at most.
i talked to another girl he knew and she had the same thing except he actually cared for her. he called her pet-names and had her as his wallpaper, he had done way more with her than me despite him outright stating he liked me.
i have nothing against her other than pure humiliation, a pretty girl like her going up against me- i'm out.
i really liked him. i did. he told me he didn't talk to other girls and he only had eyes on me, why is my first love already ruined?
i know this is so fucking stupid, and yes it's my fault for falling in love when i know nothing about it aside from watching romance animes in middle school but fuck, this hurts
>>155326>it's so embarrassing when i'm 18 and most of my friends have/had partners and have lost their virginity.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. This societal push for children to have sex earlier and earlier before they have the full capacity to understand the physical and emotional repercussions of said act is disgusting, and even if kids were more equipped to handle it, every person is allowed to move forward on their own time. Sex is just mashing some body parts together, it's not any more ~mature~ and meaningful than choosing to style your hair or get a massage. People who hold it up as some sort of grand accomplishment are stupid and trying to make themselves feel important. It can feel good, but typically only when you have a partner who respects and cares for you. Casual sex is extremely overrated, especially for women.
>why is my first love already ruined?
What you felt was not love, it was infatuation and idealization.
>it's my fault for falling in love when i know nothing about it
You aren't at fault for being taken advantage of by an asshole. It happens to the best of people. You're still learning about the world and developing as a person. I do ask that you try and think about what love means to you. That word gets thrown around so loosely these days and misrepresented in media that it tends to lose meaning. Love is not just "strong feelings of affection" for someone. That's part of it, but that alone is just infatuation, which is ultimately shallow. Love is also a choice and respect, it's wanting the best for the other person while also wanting the best for yourself (something many people don't understand). You have to value yourself before you can properly vet who deserves
your love, and this guy didn't.
That's normal. Take the hurt and acknowledge it, but don't brood over it. I promise you will look back on this moment one day and just shake your head at how silly and transient it was. I recommend you try and refocus your thoughts on loving yourself and picturing the type of future you want. People you choose to have in your life should serve to improve it, not bring you down.
relationships are generally not 100% awful all the time, otherwise so many people wouldn't stay in them. The good moments shouldn't "make up" for abusive
Thank you so much. I'm sorry you're going through it too. The way you described it is perfect, a habit that gets fed when I indulge it. I went a while without speaking to him and felt fine, but one day I sent him something that reminded me of our jokes, and that progress came crashing down. I felt a need to keep his attention again. It sucks and is so weird because I know better about him and it's over, but you're right it's 100% a weird psychological habit.
So thank you, and I'm gonna have to think about that second half of your reply. I know for a fact I still struggle with self-esteem, so it's probably that. "what are you scared of?" is a super deep question I'll have to think over because it has many answers I think. probably I'm scared to think for myself and exist for myself and be secure in it. It's kinda hard to change this mindset of needing someone's validation so badly, but you gave me a lot of hope and pointed me in the right direction. Tysm and good luck for you too btw!!
I started therapy a while back and finally got enough self respect, self esteem and courage to leave my bf of about 5 years. It has been a couple of months now and I am doing so much better than I ever have, and one of the only things I'm upset about is that I didn't leave him earlier. We started dating when I was in my early 20s and he in his mid 30s which I didn't realize was fucked up until much later. Everything started nicely, but he slowly started to turn into a real piece of manipulating shit who even told me that I shouldn't start therapy, and if I do, I shouldn't mention him in my sessions. He tried to change my views and was super upset that I am a feminist and we often argued about it because "feminism bad, women stupid" and after discussing everything with my therapist I realized that I don't have to take it and I'm not the one to take all of the blame and that it would be better for me to be selfish this one time and end the relationship, especially since I was a bit toxic in the relationship as well.
I am so fucking happy that I am able to work on myself and who I am and want to be without someone trying to gaslight me and guilt me into being something I'm not. I feel so free and light and positive about my future now. I wish everything good to all the anons in this thread struggling, and I hope you find the courage to walk away from things you're not okay with. It's hard, but you need to do it for your own sanity. It's not bad to cut off people, especially if they are good and nice only sometimes, and abusive, mean and toxic the rest of the time.
Had a similarly bad relationship with a similar age gap.. spent 3 years with him and the slip from being treated well to being treated like dirt was gradual enough for me to somehow rationalize it as not being plain old abuse. I didn't even dump mine but getting dumped lifted a huge weight. I didn't realise how heavy it all weighed on me til I was out of there and able to wake up every morning without feeling a knot in my stomach.
When I was depressed (understandable given his treatment of me) he wanted me to medicate but not seek out therapy…He told me his last ex wanted relationship therapy and he refused that, now he was telling me I couldn't even get therapy by myself for myself? I put up with that for a while but eventually I had a psychiatrist point out that I may be on the high functioning end of the spectrum and that I should seek out a late diagnosis even if I'm generally functioning ok. The fact that I now had a new team of people seeing me and wanting to talk to me scared the shit out of this guy! There was at times physical abuse, there had been sexual pushiness, he'd isolated me from family. I get why he didn't want me to see professionals.
He flipped from talking about us getting a mortgage together to suddenly dumping me before my assessment date could come around. He was in a rush to get me out of his life before that date. He'd been so controlling and possessive up to that point but suddenly the heat was on him and he couldn't get out quick enough. I've been getting actual therapy and processing those events for a while now. It's amazing how much we can ignore clear warning signs. Going through that gives me some insight on why many in this thread put up with what should be clearcut dumpable/abusive
behaviour. I get it.
so im not sure if i was just broken up with or not bc he might be being a little immature rn so an outside perspective would be greatly appreciated. Granted i'm also childish and should've never gotten into a relationship… we might both be retarded but I feel like he's rightfully upset. anyways, I'm basically really insecure and need lots of reassurance, to say I'm clingy is an understatement, I'm also a bit controlling? like wanting to know what he was busy doing if he didn't answer my calls/messages etc. honestly idk if it's controlling, I've just always wanted to just know, I wouldn't tell him to stop or anything, just knowing is nice. Maybe because I'm transparent and never had an issue telling him I was going to be busy doing x thing i expected the same in return. he had no issue telling me at the beginning of our relationship but then idk when it started but he stopped/changed and would only occasionally tell me. he'd always be busy doing the same stuff so maybe he never felt a need to tell me and assumed I'd know it was one of those same two-three things he always did. I may or may not have some issues, idk what they are but i'm sure theyre there, something to do with cptsd or something, but too poor to get diagnosed let alone be properly treated. this made me dump a lot of baggage on him, even though I was trying to hold back as much as possible because ik it wouldn't solve anything. It was just nice having someone to vent to and hear me. then this one time he said something that made it seem like he's annoyed or indifferent or like he doesn't like me. he reassured me he doesnt hate me but the feelings never really left. they would come and go and i would bring them up looking for reassurance again and again. Most of those times i would just happen to be feeling lower than usual, remember how he made me feel, and sulk more. I've always felt bad about myself and had these mood swings independently of what he did or didn't do but that one instance exacerbated it and threw me in this never ending cycle of neediness. So with my self awareness I told him I needed to stop talking to/seeing him for at least a month but i also needed his help and have him be the one that blocks me everywhere because if I were the one to do it I'd just unblock him. I figured this would force me to emotionally detach and not rely on him so much, being with him was just bound to trigger me at some point during whatever interaction, because i overthink and value what he thinks of me too much, and it would also help him not feel guilty, because he'd have to reassure and comfort me every time, plus i didn't want him to get tired of me. i told him something like this about three times, explaining more than i did the last, and he seemed understanding, would give me my space. then this last time i told him about the blocking me everywhere/no contact for a whole month, and this he didn't seem to want to do, so i didn't reply to his messages/calls until six days later. what made me react like this was me telling him that if he at least liked me (platonically) he'd do this for me and block me, and he just dismissed it and kept joking around. Obvi this made me start thinking about what it meant, ik, i shouldve asked. I realized this 6 days later. but i was too caught up on what i thought/think it meant/means. i thought he was finally admitting to disliking me, without saying it, for whatever reason. honestly i still dont get why he didnt block me, so this is what makes most sense. after the 6 days i replied to his messages like normal, he wasnt answering calls. then he replied to my msg with a gif of a dog, which i still dont even know what its trying to convey smfh. he didn't send anything else, so i just bombarded him with messages of why i hadn't replied and apologized. honestly i think i shouldve never just came back and replied after 6 days like normal, i shouldve started off with the reason i hadnt replied, but i figured he wouldnt mind since i had done it before, plus the reason i wanted him to stop talking to me in the first place was so i would stop overwhelming him with my feelings. he then replied after four days but only after i asked him to at least tell me if he was okay because i was worrying, and he said that he was, that he just thought i didn't want to talk because i never replied (???). ok, so obviously he was upset so i apologized again and explained even more so than i did the time before, not accusing him of anything mind you, just baring my heart out and admitting to what i was insecure about, i was being specially careful to emphasize how it was a me issue, and how his lack of communication(not telling me what he was up to, which could very easily be about control?) didn't make it better and actually made me prone to think bad stuff about him(he's cheating). and ya, that was the last time i heard from him. idk if he decided to do me the favor of not talking to me like i'd asked him to, but he hasnt blocked me anywhere, i can still message him, which more than defeats the point. i havent either for a day or so now. i also tried baiting him by asking if i should assume i was right about everything… he's not budging so idk if there's ever going to be an answer clearer than that and i should start the process of moving on. it's been five days, so maybe he'll reply some time today? i've done the same before so i feel guilty interpreting this as a breakup the one time he does it. but i also understand he must think i'm crazy and tbh i definitely am unstable. i just dont know what to think.
anywho, is he done with me for good or not anons? if it turns out he's somehow miraculously not, should i spare him from myself and end things? i love him so much. sorry about the blogpost btw
Literally none of this is love. It doesn't even sound like you were dating. I don't know what he was using you for, but he clearly was not that into you if your behaviour doesn't concern him and he hasn't set any boundaries to help you heal throughout the relationship. Honestly, I doubt he even read the long messages you sent explaining yourself. On the off-chance that he did, he obviously didn't care enough to comprehend them.
So you're not "sparing him" by cutting contact because it's clear he doesn't give a shit about you either way. The real miracle would be your realisation that you deserve better than a Discord e-date who sends gifs when you've just had a week-long breakdown.
I think you might have a mood disorder, made worse by low self-esteem and unresolved trauma. At least you have enough self-awareness to know that absolutely none of this is normal behaviour, so that's a good place to start. It sounds like you want to have your problems heard and understood by others, so it would be helpful to build a support group of (female) friends, or otherwise rely on family when possible.
Aside from that, you will most certainly benefit from learning to cope with your symptoms on the day-to-day. Read some self-help books about healing from trauma. Journal about your life and where it all went wrong. Find something to do with your energy besides obsess over your current romantic interest.
If nothing else, please move on from this worthless scrote who does not and never did love you.
we only met twice right before covid19 lockdowns in our state.. so you're right ig. We had dates planned late last year/beginning of this year set up and he cancelled too which is when ii shouldve stopped talking to him looking back on it now. I feel like he's taking me for granted because he knows there's a high likelihood of me being available whenever, ie I dont casually date, but i dont want him to start thinking he can waltz out of my life when i get difficult. or maybe thats selfish? yeah i also dont know what he may have been using me for, maybe an ego stroke? but hes already a talented person so i dont get why he'd need to do this….
he sent that gif before i explained how id been feeling those six days i went MIA so i really want to believe he was just wanting for me to tell him? or for me to acknowledge how i made him feel. but then i made it all about myself again in an attempt to get him to understand it wasnt about him (and honestly for some reassurance and for him to calm my worries down like hed done countless times before too).
I also didn't mention this but early on he brought up exactly
this, how he disliked and found it emotionally immature to ignore someone you're dating/getting to know romantically for a day or two, so i cant help but feel this is all my fault, because ive continuously pushed a boundary of his. I mean, ig he never said
it was a dealbreaker persay, but he made me aware this would ruffle his feathers. I dont think he would've overlooked my behaving in what he considers an "emotionally immature" way if he didnt at least care a little bit about me? This also was the longest time i've went completely silent on him – it would be max 2 days before – so I'm not sure if i opened an old wound of his or something. Or maybe I'm just trying to be way too understanding, I can't fit all the context in here and I'm hoping the answer is different with all of it in perspective? idk i just feel incredibly guilty and like i shouldn't be crying because I
was the one that started all of this and shouldn't be complaining now that I'm getting a dose of my own medicine. or maybe he was just waiting for an easy way out and this was the best time to do so….
my boyfriend of over three years broke up with me today because he no longer finds me really attractive, wants to date around and lost romantic feelings for me. it just sucks so much because he put down my appearance so much whilst we were together and would make fun of me a lot, but he also felt like my best friend and we had a lot of laughs together. i lost 20kgs and went from fat to a healthy weight in the last year, and i think he found me more attractive with more weight on me. he used to shit on women a lot, spoke to me very condescendingly and was literally depressed and crazy, but i stayed foolishly hoping it would get better and he would get better. i invested so much of myself in this relationship, i feel really bad that it’s over and on some level, i miss him but also realise he was maybe not good for me at all. he says he still “loves” me but i don’t think he even understands what it means to love somebody properly. what hurts the most is just feeling like i’m not good looking enough to satisfy a person, and that they’ll always crave something else. i’m not the prettiest, but i have some nice features and have had some really cute guys like me before. i know men are all about sexual novelty or whatever, and it just depresses me. i just want someone to hug me. how do i go about rebuilding my self esteem?
I hate to be this harsh but you're so self-effacing it's unreal. I've been caught up in the same patterns before and I assure you, you are making things worse by acting like a human doormat. These people that you love? The ones that you're desperate for caretaking from? They are extremely turned off by your self-pity and unassertiveness. In your efforts to take responsibility for everything and ask for nothing, you only push people away. The only people attracted to that behaviour are abusive
freaks without a shred of empathy or compassion, and you can rest assured those types will never
care to listen to or understand you.
>i dont want him to start thinking he can waltz out of my life when i get difficult. or maybe thats selfish?
It's not selfish. This doesn't sound like a committed relationship, but in a true partnership, he doesn't get to ignore you on bad days. You deserve loyalty and consistency. The bargain bin moid should be held accountable for the cold way he treats you.
>I dont think he would've overlooked my behaving in what he considers an "emotionally immature" way if he didnt at least care a little bit about me?
No. If he cared about you, he would assert himself and not let it slide. You're not doing yourself any favours by ghosting potential partners. If he cared, he would be encouraging you to find healthier solutions, helping you cope, and putting his foot down when you're out of line.
Did you forget boundaries are good things? You are supposed to have them. In fact they strengthen all relationships, romantic or otherwise.
>maybe I'm just trying to be way too understanding,
I'm sorry Anon but he got bored of you. If he ever cared for you at all (unlikely), it's gone now. There's no need to make excuses for him because any outside observer can see that he's not worth all this turmoil. Sure he might be talented, as you say, but that's no excuse to be so flippant and cruel. You deserve to feel secure in your relationships.
Please get better standards. Work on your self-esteem and how you cope with spiraling thoughts. It sounds like you have some very serious unresolved issues that are interfering with your daily life. Again I really encourage you to find ways to heal from your past trauma, even if you must do it by yourself. It sucks to lose someone you used to lean on, but that ship has sailed.
How the fuck do people stay in relationships for many years and still be unwilling to commit? By commit, I mean conceptualize and vocalize ideas about the future and make plans beyond "bf/gf living in an apartment."
More than anything, I dislike this quality in men. All the men I've dated have left me after dating for 3-5 years. I've never gotten a straight answer other than empty platitudes - they seemed so cowardly in these moments. It kills me seeing their faces, normally beaming with joy, happiness, and confidence, contort into such ugliness when I bring up marriage or moving into a house. WHY? This should be something happy, just like the rest of everything we do. Right? Love, laughter, etc. Wouldn't more permanent commitment be an exciting thing?
So yeah.. I just got dumped for the 4th time in my adult life. Serious LTR - about 6 years. We shared everything and I mean everything. At this point, I feel like just saying fuck it. Just giving up entirely on ever finding romantic happiness. What is the fucking point of this? Is it me? Is it that I'm bad at discerning these people's ~true nature~ when we're just in the beginning stages of dating? Do I project my own feelings onto them and misinterpret their displays of love? For years and years?
Honestly. I don't want to do it again. I'm talented, I work hard and have a great job, I'm super loving/affectionate and loyal, and I'm pretty cute so wtf anons. I know I want this but it seems like the universe just doesn't want me to have it.
Sorry for the rant. Thanks to anyone who read it.
hi you guys im this >>172380
anon again kek. I'm not really looking for advice, i know what the answer is even if i don't want to acknowledge it rn………….. just wanting to vent, anywho
We just split up last night for good, yay, and i got my closure, kinda, he wasnt honest from the beginning so idk how much of what he said is true yknow ,, i have no idea what was ever genuine or not anymore so ill just give u guys the context and it'd be nice to read what your takes on it is? i have a few of my own as well but anyways, I gave him until no later than 9 pm last night to reply, to tell me if i hurt him in any way and he needed more time or i was going to take it as ghosting and him no longer wanting to talk to me. That's all I said in the morning, so i gave him plenty of time. I did it that way because i knew if he were to be busy it was most likely going to be in the morning and not the afternoon/night. Plus I had given him enough time already, so I wasn't feeling too generous, I just wanted to get this over with asap and not waste any more of my time and prolong how hurt i feel.
I'm ngl, I had a tab minimized that i would maximize every 30 mins-1hr to check if he had replied. The day felt long asf and the pain slowly got worse and worse as 9pm neared. it was an awful realization, like being burned alive. then his time was up and unsurprisingly, not a peep from him :( i originally planned on just hitting block but i decided to tell him how i just realized literally just a minute prior that i didn't love HIM but rather love the guy he pretended to be, because that kind of guy wouldn't ghost, he would just be honest, that i enjoyed the time i spent with him and hoped he could someday become the kind of guy he pretended to be. then i told him i was deleting my acct so if he sent any msgs and i didnt reply that would be why. Idk if this is what prompted him to reply but he did! immediately!… yes, i felt happy, but also really disappointed that he was just going to leave me without closure…. I'm not sure at this point if it'd been better had he not replied, because now im just left wondering, so many things, like maybe he wasn't going to reply because he really thought I wouldn't stop talking to him ever and would patiently wait, or because i really hurt his ego when i told him i didn't love him. Or maybe, he thought I'd already deleted my account or was about to and would never read it, which i'm not sure how to feel about.
Anyways, he apologized and told me he was just thinking a ton and thought maybe it was better for us not to talk for now or ever because he was under constant realization that he was not ready for a serious relationship and probably wasn't going to be for a while, that he wasn't a quality man for reasons other than the ones I thought and that's why he didn't deserve someone like me, that I deserve someone better because I'm amazing (yeah ok),that he hates he made me have to think about it this much but just didn't know how to explain without possibly hurting me and then thanked me for the time i spent w him…. I sat on that for a good 20 minutes, thinking whether i should reply or not and ofc i did! i told him that it hurt more not hearing from him more than it would've had he just told me he was uninterested or whatever, i told him i saw it as a good sign he at least replied late (don't ask me why i thought he would care what i thought was a good sign or not, idk either) and that he should work on his self esteem because he was the only person holding himself back from becoming the quality man he pretended to be. I told him i obviously had issues i had work through myself too, and that i was open to maybe hearing from him in the future if he was too, just to see where we were and if we feel the same way we do now(assuming he feels any way about me ha!),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I saw him "typing",,,, and then he didn't, but then he was typing again, and then not,,,,, and then i didnt know if he was just messing with me at that point and told him i just deleted his number, that it would prob make my day hearing from him again someday, but i wasnt expecting to hear from him ever again, that I couldn't make it any more easier for him and that i'd be gone for good now, couldn't bother him even if i wanted to, so he won't have to feel guilty about not replying anymore, gave him my number again and told him it was just in case it wasnt even saved and because it would give me peace of mind knowing that if i never heard from him again it wasn't because of me having assumed he had my number or even messages in his phone at that point. i waited to see if he was going to say anything (i know i know lol but it was for a teenie tiny bit) and then wished him luck and deleted my account. I slept well knowing that the ball was in his court now, and also because im stuck on him saying that we shouldn't talk for now…..just, the "for now" part…like, i'm holding on to a little hope he'll surprise me by wanting to know about how i'm doing some day. probably not good if i want to move on right? all in all i feel veryrelieved
Honestly anon, I can't say for sure since I don't know the situation but it sounds like they never saw you as wife material. You can be talented, smart, pretty and loyal but if they don't find you interesting, you'll be a forever gf.
Also re: being super loving and affectionate, I haven't been in a whole lot of relationships but I've noticed a certain pattern. Every time I fall hard for a guy and try very hard to please him, he gets turned off. All of those relationships eventually turn sour or even downright abusive
. Every "good" relationship I've been in, they were chasing me down to put a ring on me or move in together because I wasn't really interested or affectionate outside of what they had to offer me (favors or paying for things usually). They might be the smartest, hottest, kindest guy out there but if I'm not interested I'll only stick around until someone I'm actually into comes along because it's easier than having to do everything alone.
So maybe those guys feel the same way. In which case it would do you good to be less available and not so eager to please. It's a shitty mind game but that's relationships between men and women for you.
They want regular sex and free housework/someone to split bills. That and whatever other perks they're getting without commitment. If a perceived 'better woman' comes along they're staying open to dumping the old string-along gf in a heartbeat.
I've already done the whole marriage thing, it didn't last the first time so I wouldn't do it again. But the thing is..even when they commit…it just means more of a legal headache when they can still split in a heartbeat. Out of all my partners, my husband dumped me by text. Went back to live with his parents and when I went there to talk to him his parents opened the door and said he wasn't home (his car was outside) that happened several times and I just gave up on the idea of saying goodbye or sorting out our shared accounts outside of a courtroom. It was like when two teenagers fall out and parents intervene with 'oh he's not here' as he probably stands at the top of the stairs listening in lol
I'm sorry about what you're going through. I know that after my break ups I usually think about all the time I sunk into a dead end so I'm sure you're grieving what feels like the loss of 6 years right now.
I've broken up with my bf this Monday and it's just so surreal.. It's been like a fever dream since than, constant underlying anxiety I can't push away.
We had really nice moments, spent more than 2 years together but in the end he lied to my face, hid events he was going to, badmouthed and lied shitty stuff about me- sorry, "vented" mainly to his female friends, let them make fun of me, always prioritised his bro friends over our plans (even cancel last minute to go drinking). I caught him flirting with a girl he used to date over dms 6 months into our relationship and he got so angry he broke his phone, in the end convinced me he was just 'clueless and liked compliments'. He also didn't understand consent very well. He would always turn everything on me so I'd end up feeling shitty and like a villain.
But man, we did have so many good moments too. Much more than the bad shit. Parents loved him. Traveled, talked and messenged every day, send each other nice texts, give compliments, presents. Watched so many movies together. Never went to sleep without saying good night. We had our sense of humor and he was my best friend. On the surface, he was amazing.
Today morning, he sent me a text that he wants to come pick up a hard disk with some photos of us (since he lost about a year of photos from the start or our relationship when he broke his newer phone last year).
Why? I have to go through photos of us, filter it and move it into one single folder he can copy. It's gonna take me over an hour at least. I don't want to look at our photos. Why does is even matter to him? Why does he care more about losing fucking photos than he did about losing me?
And I said okay because I just want it all to be over and him to not have reason to contact me again. I should have told him no.
He's such an egoist I don't even know if he's doing this to try to get back together or just really thinks he deserves to have photos of him back. Or if he's mental and wants to become friends (hell no). I don't want to see his face again. He's always so smug and cold.
And he started with
"Hi, how are you? :)" as if nothing happened. He never apologised, nothing. He blamed me for everything, last time tried to throw me out at 2 in the morning. He can fuck off with fucking ":)".
I just feel like shit over this all, so stressed and heartbroken.
>>174313>I have to go through photos of us, filter it and move it into one single folder he can copy.
Yeah, you definitely don’t have to do any of this. Not your fault he chimped out on his phone after emotionally cheating. Is it really necessary to sort photos or can you just make a zip file of everything, upload it to Google docs or some other sharing service, and send him a link? You can also just say no, you won’t be providing him with photos. You’re broken up now and by all accounts it sounds like he was a shitty partner. You don’t owe him anything.
I’m not unsympathetic, I broke up with an ex I shared a lot of good times with as well, but he was similarly an abusive
piece of shit. People aren’t totally black and white but that doesn’t excuse the fact that they’ve wronged you badly and the relationship wasn’t working out due to lack of real love and respect. It’s important to set boundaries in the aftermath of a relationship, especially with toxic
one like this. If you want to do this last thing for him fine, but then tell him you’re no longer comfortable interacting with him. Block him and go no contact. Time and space are the only ways you’re going to be able to sort yourself out. Even negative rumination on this idiot is going to slow down your healing, but seeing him in person or continuing to talk to him is going to make it 100x more difficult. It’s still fresh and painful now, but eventually you’ll be happy to be free of him. Laying it out clearly: He was/is a liar, cheater, abuser, egoist, rapey and continually put you at the bottom of his priority list. No great loss regardless of how many good times you shared. You can spend that time with people more worthy of you in the future.
Yeah, I'm gonna do that. Just upload it and send him a link.
Stupid parts of me want to meet him and see him making some grand apologetic gesture, forget it all and just get to the way it was before, chill and joke together, but I know 1) he'd never do that because he doesn't think he's wrong 2) it's stupid as fuck to want when he treated me like he did lately. I have to have some boundaries.
Part of me feels like I'm making it all worse than it really was, it's such a shitty feeling.
But he did declare "I dump you" faster than I could say anything when I wanted to tell him I want to break up, so I guess I should have no regrets.
Good, I’m glad you’re protecting yourself. I do understand the temptation. You want him to magically become the great person you always thought he could be or was some of the time. But the bad parts were just as much a part of him and can’t be ignored. When people do change, and it’s incredibly rare for someone so entitled to do so, it takes years of hard work and the personal desire to follow through. It’s been a week. You already know all he wants to do is pretend nothing happened and go back to leeching off you, whether that’s emotionally, sexually or just for another ego boost. He’s unfortunately too immature and incapable of giving you the closure you desire, so you have to come to terms with it on your own.
Immediately post breakup it’s easy to idealize and fixate on all the good times because they’ve suddenly been yanked away from you, but just keep reading your post about all the terrible things he did and think of what you’d say to a girlfriend in the same situation. You’d hate her giving any more time/energy to someone so manipulative, trashy and self-centered, right? The same should go for you. It’s normal to feel a lot of difficult emotions but you don’t have to get swept away by them. I’m glad that you got away from this asshole and can slowly start to refocus on yourself.
>>174380>he broke up with me cuz I lied about my degree, where I study and having a secret twitter account>I don't see the big deal but whatever he was very offended for some reason
Seriously, anon? You lied to him. Not about small petty shit, either. A whole-ass degree and where you went to uni/college. That's so messed up. I'm sorry you got dumped, but if you cannot see why lying is a problem go get help so you don't feel the need to compulsively lie and instigate relationships with people you have zero chemistry with.
>I know I would cheat if I have the opportunity and I wouldn't be sad if they cheated on me too>I texted my ex while dating him so I clearly didn't care about him
Get therapy. This shows you have zero self-esteem and respect for yourself. Very very self-destructive behaviour. You could possibly hurt more people you get into relationships by lying and cheating on them.
You're right, I guess I needed to hear this I don't know why I thought people would sympathise with me. In my defense when I lied about my degree/uni it was the first day we met and I didn't think we'd talk for long so I said some random uni and degree then didn't bother to correct it after, it wasn't like this premeditated lie to make myself look better which is why in my mind it seemed like a white lie, knowing that information about me wouldn't affect his life so I thought it was unimportant but he made a big deal out of me lying and than the lie itself. In retrospect I was clearly being selfish and maybe I do have a lying problem, the way I justified is if he lied to me the same way I wouldn't be bothered, now I see I shouldn't have judged it this way, his feelings are valid
and it wasn't okay. I will apologise to him and refrain from dating until I sort myself.>>174388
I couldn't tell you, I think I'm content with my life right now. I'm moving out and stressed about uni in general but those are not real issues. Also I worded myself incorrectly I don't really seek a relationship I just want to like someone and not force myself to be attracted to them after I get into the relationship, most of my relationships just kinda happen because the other person pesters me to be in a relationship and I just go along with it. I now see this behaviour is not fair for the other person because I'm not being honest to them with how I feel. Maybe I'm just a bad partner or there are some deeply rooted issues around love I'm not conscious of because I'm very affectionate towards my friends, its just this particular area of my life. I'll try therapy.
Even though my ex was shitty in a lot of areas and we absolutely can't get back together, I find myself sad and depressed because I miss having someone close I can talk to whenever. I thought I was moving on but it all fall back onto me two times as hard. It's like I lost my best friend and support. I want to tell someone about my day, wish someone a good night, encourage and get that in return. The days are so boring now, wake up, study, eat, work, exercise, browse internet, sleep alone.
It's been roughly two/three weeks but I'm not sure what to do. I feel like getting a rebound/starting a new relationship because I'm very lonely but not sure it's okay to start dating so soon when I'm still hurting. Plus I have exams soon and don't have time.
Bad thing is, I can't even concentrate on studying because I'm so down and tired. When I study, I get these flashbacks of stuff we did together, memories of our travelling and so on. I planned some friend meet ups but since I don't talk daily now (home-office, online class, only talk to family) my social skills are getting rusty and I don't even look forward to meeting friends because I have to try hard to socialise.
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my boyfriend of 6 months just broke up w me over text and i feel like shit. he went back home a few weeks ago to see his family, and he was very slow to reply to texts. he came back to the city on thursday, but only saw his friends and not me before he went back home. this was like a 5 hour drive, and I'm pretty sure he didn't fly. i texted him angry about it, but he didn't respond. i tried to call him yesterday, bc i could tell it was pretty much over, but he wouldn't answer. he texted me today and broke up w me. he said the reason he didn't pick up was bc he wanted to "enjoy his weekend and not have to think about this". I'm so angry I wasted 6 months on a man like that. :( i don't know why he suddenly stopped caring about me.
Hope you stayed strong anon. You can get through this!
I have abandonment issues too, feel like the pain of break ups is always insanely magnified by that. Don't rush out and have rebound sex (or go back to an ex for sex) you know you'll only regret it. Treat yourself to a fancy sex toy if you don't have one.
He's doing those things now because he has
. A lot of times by staying in unequal relationships we're unintentionally enabling scrotes to be useless sacks of shit. Because if we're their personal maids and taking care of the cleaning, cooking and car maintenance why would they bother? Just because he's been forced to be a more competent adult doesn't necessarily mean he's happier or a better person, he's just going through the necessary motions to avoid living in utter squalor or becoming a hobo. Even if he is feeling better about himself now, it's a very poor reflection on him that it took the extreme repurcussion of losing his partner of five years to get his act together. That has nothing to do with your value, it's simple human nature. People don't change unless there are consequences, and sometimes they have to be really heavy to overcome years of ingrained habits. Don't let your ego try and make his
behavior about you. You showed that you believe you do have worth by leaving someone who wasn't pulling their weight and not treating you with the care and love you deserve.
Like other anon said, 6 months is better than wasting years at least. Getting out early like that can be a hidden blessing.
I spent the last 3 years of my twenties in a (in retrospect) doomed relationship. It was destined to crash and burn. After we broke up I got health news that greatly affects my daily life now so for a while I really mourned all the things I could've done with those 3 years if I had known.
I'd consider getting out at 6 months a win. Text message break ups suck though. Feels disrespectful to end it that way. Do you think he met someone else back home and doesn't want to admit it? Just the timing of his visits and lack of contact..would make me wonder.
Men get awfully motivated when they want to either attract a brand new partner or impress a newly attained partner. They'll often then slide back into old habits once they feel secure with a gf long term. I hate it.
When I showed up to my exes place for the first time I remember his apartment was spotlessly clean. He lived alone and had to have done it himself. Moved in with him and never saw him clean a thing after that. Guy claimed to not even see dirty dishes and mess, but he sure did when he first had me around? I wouldn't read into it as personal. That's a frustratingly common thing and his future gfs might very well be treated to the same treatment as you.
They whisper sweet lies into your ears to get a relationship and then they get you to stay with them as much as they need to.
It's good to be bi
Ok. I posted the other day in the relationship advice, but I'm not at this stage.
We were together for 4.5 years. Lived together for 4. He had deep sexual trauma that manifested in anxiety with anything intimate, even sitting on the couch relaxed became stressful. I have my own trauma and am codependent. Over the years I got into therapy, got diagnosed and adjusted my meds. I've come a long way, though I still have work to do. My illness prevented a lot of normal relationship functions. I also sent nudes to someone online for validation, though I have no feelings. Got found out, tbh thankfully I was in deep denial, and it ruined my idyllic relationship. I'm trying to see the problems, my codependency requiring me to have 'back up' plans, even though I have no desire for them when plan a falls through, preventing me from letting go of control.
Anyways I'm fucked up, I fucked up someone I knew I would hurt, I feel like I'm too much.
People are telling I did my best, I'm really shocked at my friend's response to rally around me and be so understanding. Because I've always demonized infidelity.
I hate myself, I wake up panicked and missing our life we dreamt together. We were looking at houses together…
Dw, I have a therapist.
I'm sorry anon. Not much to do other than let yourself feel the emotions, experience the catharsis of a cry, and keep moving on. I've had a lot of those moments myself. Most days I don't think about him much, or if I do it's in anger and shame, but then I'll remember the thoughtful things he did or how we used to laugh. How we'd finish each other's sentences and understood one another when he wasn't being garbage. But that doesn't make the hurtful things he did okay, and it doesn't mean I want him back. Something I've found helpful is thinking of what a truly ideal relationship would look like for me, and when I do, there's none of the abuse he put me through, none of the cutting comments, not even his more benign cowardice or lack of initiative when it came to being better. In my weakest moments my picture of romantic utopia may look exactly like him… except without all his negative qualities. So I realize in reality, that's still not
him. There are billions of men in world and should I ever want to give someone else a chance, I'm certain there are plenty of people out there who can put in far more effort than he did. It's the same for you, and it's okay to mourn the good things you shared, but the world has much better in store. Keep looking at what you've gained and the possibilities ahead rather than the meager comforts you've lost.
From the moment he left he made it feel like any contact I tried to make with him was pretty much just me harassing him. I know that realistically ending a marriage requires a few convos to sort out the loose ends..but being made to feel like some crazy harrasser made me give up very fucking quickly. I think weeks after he left I gave up all hope of communication and I left the divorce process in his court for the same reason. He left so he can be the one sorting that out.
I also feel like it's very likely he fed his parents and friends some version of events that makes me look like I deserved ghosting? I refuse to chase him for answers or money just because I feel like it'd play into making me look like the monster he might've painted me as. The papers my dad got yesterday said that if I don't contest it then the divorce will just go through. I don't need to do anything from here. I'm happy with that. At least he had to be the one sorting that out. I played nice and civil and left him alone all these years. At this stage just hearing someone say that he's indeed an asshole and that I'm not crazy felt nice!
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It’s been 90 that I’ve gone no contact with an ex because of a breakup, we were a weird situationship for around 10 months until I said I wanted a relationship or that’s it, he agreed he had issues with commitment and he wanted to work on it with me… not even two months after saying that, after meeting his family and his nephews saying they loved me/called me aunty he dumped me for ‘not being in his world’ and that his ‘job is going to be hectic and doesn’t want a relationship’, i felt so stupid for giving him a chance despite his fickleness, and i cringe at letting myself idealise him, but i still sometimes miss him so much. I’ve been reflecting that i have attachment wounds i need to fix and I deserve better. He has tried to contact me a few times, which I didn’t respond. I’m still waiting for my things back but he still hasn’t sent them. I wake up everyday and feel like an idiot for letting myself being treat like that, but also wake up feeling like an idiot because I still miss him so much.
I've been in a similar position with wanting my things back two times already and I never got anything back, it was just used as a leverage so they'd keep on contacting me and I'd keep on having to ask them a favor. Be prepared to deal with that.
But about your situation, you deserve someone better, nonnie
Even though it might seem difficult right now, I'm sure you'll soon have someone that won't treat you hot and cold like this. You should be secure and happy with someone loving you, not worrying, stressing and having to persuade them.
Don't respond to him anymore, buy your favourite snack, watch your favourite movie or funny YouTube videos and rest. Fuck him, he sounds pretty spoiled and thinks only of himself. You don't want that in your life.
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I sent my ex an email with a couple short paragraphs that explained in a fair and decently positive way I no longer wanted to see him (we had technically been broken up but were still hanging out before I got the courage to cut the cord). Knowing it would possibly be the last time we ever spoke to one another, he replied with like three sentences saying he was sorry, he loved me, but otherwise falling back into some self pitying bullshit. Even though he apologized, it rung hollow and came across as pathetic. I'd given him literally hundreds of chances to be better and take initiative over the course of our relationship, and there he was just throwing up his hands and whining yet again. He always professed to love me, but clearly not in any meaningful way when it never aligned with his actions.
It's not that I wanted him to try and fight for me, it was far too late by then, but it was frustrating that he couldn't find it within himself to pull his head out of his ass long enough to say, "I totally understand, it was my decision to ignore you all those times and I fucked up. I wish you the best, thanks for improving my life while we were together." Because I sure as fuck did, through thankless physical/emotional/financial support. Point being, regardless of what a guy says at the end, it's never going to be enough because they chose not to put in the effort during the actual relationship. I was so over it by then, rolled my eyes at his response but still spent the next few months intermittently crying and wishing he'd tried harder when it mattered. Then the distance gave me real perspective and the opportunity to reflect on what I really wanted in a partner, and I confirmed he solidly wasn't it. I'm so happy to be free of the constant stress, self loathing and confusion his presence contributed. He did
miss out, I don't care what he does or feels at this point because I'm too busy enjoying life again. You'll get there anon. Feel sad all you need, but there will
come a day when you wake up smiling to be rid of him and eager to look at the opportunities you've gained rather than the dead weight you've lost. Even if it seems like that time will never come right now. Acknowledge the emotions but know they don't necessarily reflect reality nor do they define you.
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Recently had a rough breakup where my hot 6 figure bf broke it off with me because he didn't want the responsibility of having a relationship and I guess wasn't in love with me anymore and gave kinda bs reasoning. I pryed to find the real reason and no success. He definitely has issues and needs therapy and I think that's part of it but I'm posting because I'm sad and I think I will never find someone because my only type is basically the Chad sterotype that every women wants.
I can't help that that is physically what I want and I feel like it's just so unlikely to find one who is stable financially and loyal. I've been in a lot of long term relationships and I'm losing hope now. It's not my looks that are the issue but the fact that my perfect (You know what I mean, not literally perfect) person will probably never bump into me. I live in one of the biggest cities in America and scrolled for hours on several dating apps until there was no more options left. I work from home and don't go to college like other people who meet their spouses at work or school.
I know some women have other priorities but this is mine and I can't help or change my desire no matter how many hobbies I try to pick up. I just want a loyal hot boyfriend who ACTUALLY loves me. Is there ANYTHING I can do?
>>184778>I can't help or change my desire no matter how many hobbies I try to pick up
Stop adding hobbies and start getting therapy. Seriously. It's one thing to make trying to find a partner a priority, but you also need to be comfortable with the idea that it might not happen. Having goals aligned within your own control makes sense, like writing a novel or running a marathon, but a relationship is obviously a two-person gig and you can't make someone behave properly nor guarantee that you'll forever get along even after finding someone who seems decent. It's why so many marriages end in divorce. Hobbies are great but they can also distract from addressing long-term issues, so I really recommend you look at why you have such difficulty being on your own. Being single has its perks too and it seems you don't appreciate them. And really, figuring this out will make you a more complete and functional person if you get in a relationship again as well. You just got out of a relationship and you're already on the hunt again, take a moment to breathe and just exist.
As for finding people, perhaps try a professional matchmaking service. It might seem old timey but decent groups do tend to attract a more serious type of clientele compared to apps, and having someone else parse down potential matches will save you time.
it isn't. I'm considering moving.>>184825
I can't afford therapy for an extended period of time. I used to go a lot in my teen years when it was free.
I really cannot cope with the possibility of being alone OR with not being with the one for me. Honestly speaking I want my ex back…
I understand some people find joy in being single but I don't find fulfillment from the "opportunities". Being in the relationship I was in didn't really hold me back from anything because we both has jobs that were travel-able. I've read attachment theory I understand I'm anxious attachment but it really comes out when I'm actually abandoned (when the other person "proves" my fear to be true). I've learned to give space.
Do professional match makers work for people who are in their 20s thought? That seems more like people who don't have "options". I feel like a 9/10 wouldn't go to a matchmaker because they wouldn't need to -there's so many pretty women who would accept less than bare minimum which is also what devastates me. I want the bare minimum of romance.
In regard to trying to be on the hunt again, I really don't want to be, I'm open to the possibility and all but I really just want my ex back. He has issues and he wants to work on them and go to therapy but why couldn't he just do that with me? I genuinely wanted just bare minimal of just some quality time. He said he loved and cared for me but I just don't understand.
As a woman not desired or being chased despite being considered "Attractive". Usually it's the woman dumping the guy for being shitty and men chasing the woman. If there's a way to get him back I'd love to do that but that's not even how it is supposed to be…it's been a few weeks and he just got his stuff from my place the other day. I feel like other girls get their exes back easier because their exes want them on some level even just for sex. Meanwhile in this case despite me having a curvy body or "pretty" face (Says some people at least) I'm not even wanted on that level? After 2 years together?
do that with me as in be together and then he also goes to therapy*
IF any anons got their boyfriends back do share :(
>>184833> Do professional match makers work for people who are in their 20s thought? That seems more like people who don't have "options".
To the contrary, they tend to be used by those who are affluent and busy so they don’t have time to spend hours swiping through unemployed losers or flakes on dating apps. Matchmaking clientele ages seem to be skewing lower too: https://repeller.com/matchmakers-for-millennials/
As for your outlook, I still believe you need to do some self reflection. You openly admit to only wanting the “bare minimum” and that you can’t cope with being alone. Those things really speak to some underlying self esteem issues and questions of worth. You may not be clingy but your perception of a worthwhile life is certainly distorted. It has nothing to do with beauty, beautiful woman are cheated on, abused and discarded all the time; that’s just what shitty men do. Clearly your ex is not in the right place for a relationship and that’s not your fault, but you’re pushing yourself to see it that way… another symptom of low esteem. And again, not to get all “woo woo,” but when you’re vibing with yourself that will attract higher quality people and also help you move on from dead ends like your ex sooner as well. If you can’t afford therapy there are self help books like How to Be Single and Happy by Jennifer Taitz you could try. If the cost is a couple bucks and a few hours of your time for a potential payoff of not feeling so stressed and anxious while you’re single, there’s no real downside.
ty for the book reccomendation anon
I def do have low self esteem that I've been trying to improve actively especially since the breakup.
anon you're so much like me, everything you've said down to the low self-esteem (honestly i have none). I'm still in the midst of working on it but kind of like you, I didn't acknowledge nor actively start working on it until after he broke-up with me. Actually, I yo-yo'd between wanting to work on it while in the relationship, would ask for breaks I wouldn't go through with because my attachment was that strong.
Please don't underestimate your attachment issue. They ruin even the best relationships. It's ruined one for me, and I don't want it to ruin the next. Once you start working on them, don't contact this ex! I'm only going by what you wrote but it doesn't seem like he has any attachment issues and it was a bs excuse like you said. It strikes me as so because he didn't tell you whether he'd like to want to be with you after he's "figured" himself "out". For example, my ex told me once he was ready we could give our relationship a try again. It could be bullshit or it could be legit because he saw me try to work on my issues while i was with him with his own two eyes, I don't know nor do I care. This is to say, I am VERY clingy and even then I'm not expecting he'll come back to me ever again and I've made peace with it, so i find it very difficult to understand why you want your ex back under the circumstances. Again, maybe it's legit, a lot of avoidant types, especially men, are that way because of covert-incestuous relationships with their mothers, but there's a good bunch, probably even more that are just not cut-out for high-intensity relationships like these types require. Personally I never want to make anyone else uncomfortable with the way I am. I don't want someone I clash with and neither should you. The bare minimum is not "being in a relationship", it's compatibility, remember that.
You're definitely not alone, anon. I sent mine clingy/angry shit as well when he ghosted me. Partially because I felt like he would never read it anyway and I don't know if he did, but doesn't matter, it was still quite embarrassing yet I tried to think that I was just open like this and my feelings were completely justified.
And after three years or so I started liking some of his posts and texted him, although it was something markedly carefree, because I wanted to think that I've got over it all and only missed him as a friend. Nope. I had to grieve over this relationship once more and even more later, because apparently I didn't process it the first time. After some time I sent him a message saying that I still loved him and missed him, all while having other ltr. He never answered. But after my first attempt to communicate he kinda started doing it indirectly, which only confused me even more (yeah we're both COMPLICATED). Right now I still can't say that I let it go, but I don't feel heartbroken anymore and I think that I've analyzed our relationships and its ending inside and out already, which alleviated all the negative feelings. It's also been easier since I accepted that I still have feelings for him, even when I'm with someone else, but it doesn't necessarrily mean that I have to do something about it, like telling him about it and trying to mend everything. Certainly not something I should initiate anyway.
Maybe you were trying to repress your feelings and thoughts about him for some time, and that's why it resulted in such a burst. I think it might be better to think it through, discuss it with therapist or something.
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So I just found out my ex was either talking to someone else while with me and is still talking to her. The whole time i was with him he made me feel crazy, I never had any proof, just a gut feeling. We ended in amicable terms for unrelated reasons and I apologized for not trusting him, blamed it on my neuroticism, come to find out now months later that I was right. I want to unblock and send him a message so badly rn. I'm so incredibly angry and sad again. Before this I thought I was doing pretty good, now I'm back to square one, feeling absolutely worthless.
If you call a guy out on his shit..their usual go-to is to make out like you're crazy for being angry at them. Either way he'll likely find a way paint you as crazy here.
I had a break up where the guy had his new gf all handily lined up in advance of us even breaking up.. I walked away without a big confrontation and I wasn't sure if I chose the right reaction (or lack of reaction) But sometimes there's more dignity in just leaving things be. Up to you to decide.
see, the thing is, I don’t know if it’s her or him. basically, his main insta account is his name and the name of something else, with his dog as the pfp and this other account is ALSO his name and a derivative of the name of the same thing. The only difference between the two accounts is one letter pretty much. You’d think it was an alt account of his, but the pfp is a girl’s selfie….. the account is private and I unblocked him and his account is private too, so I can’t see if they follow eachother or anything. Granted, his name is gender neutral and a lot of girls also have him but, the coincidence is TOO big, what are the odds this girl that has his name ALSO thought of adding the name of this pun to the name of her name the only difference being one letter???? Maybe it’s his alt account and he has like both people he “loves the most” as his pfp but the bio sounds nothing like him so maybe it’s her wanting her user to be his user for whatever reason, and I don’t want to bother her tbh…..
I was in a very similar situation although without being kicked out. I just realised I needed to get away or I’d end up dead. I wish to god there was a way women in that situation could get support from even just regular people and not just serviced which are underfunded and oversubscribed. I got told point blank I couldn’t be put up in a shelter due to the debt and rent arrears run up in my name. And the help I received from police only served to make my life harder, in the end nobody even believed me in court. I would do anything to help women in such situations because I had absolutely nobody and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Be so proud of yourself, it’s so hard to get away from situations you were made to be so worthless and dependent. It takes everything
My ex is making small talk with me over text. He was quite direct that he 'thought he loved me and didn't realize his feelings have changed some time ago', the breakup was mutual (but I initiated it after finding out some stuff he lied about). It wasn't a nice breakup, he never apologised while I did even though I was the more wronged party. He keeps using emoticons, acting like nothing happened and asking how my parents are, where I work and so on. He even sent me animal videos, memes or some shit. But no wanting to get back, no 'miss you', just these lifeless small talk texts. It feels so fake.
It hurts me to see his messages so I told him I don't want to be his friend many times before. I blocked him before and unblocked 2 months after.
He initiates meeting up in a very lukewarm way. For example 'my brother wants to play some games I lent you, can one of us pick those up from you?' when he gave me these games to me because his brother never plays. Or that he'd return my pillow or pajama - I don't really need those back. I turn down these offers and solve them in other way because I'm genuinely confused if he's missing me or really just trying to give me stuff back - he did say how he didn't even love me. I'm so confused about the way he's going about this.
He even said he wanted to be friends 'because of the memories we had', not because he wants me in his life, enjoys my company or whatever.
I hate how weirdly lukewarm, low effort and emotionless everything about this is. I miss him but I never knew if he loved me or not and I guess he's putting this energy into our post-breakup relationship too.
He's behaving lukewarm towards you because he feels lukewarm towards you. He's keeping you around in case nobody better comes along,it's called breadcrumbing. https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/breadcrumbing
Block his ass again for good.
Sounds like he's just testing the waters. Not even willing to put himself out there and directly say it..but if you take the bait he'd probably quickly suggest some fuck buddy set up.
My ex got back in contact lately 'just wondering how Im doing' It's been 3 years, he left me for another woman and in his last message to me lately he called me by my old pet name? It's so long that I had completely forgotten that name myself. He hadn't though. They're just keeping you sweet in case they can get some easy sex out of it. Probably still think of you mid-fap and that's the biggest motivation behind them 'wondering how you're doing'
Yeah you're right and I know it. He totally is breadcrumbing.
I hoped we could be civil with each other if we urgently need something but if he messages me again with some unimportant thing I'm gonna ignore it and block him. It sucks when someone treats you in such a confusing way, I always feel depressed for a while after interacting with him.
He also told me he used my eye mask and pillow for sleeping when we were talking about things I left there. Wtf like why would you use your ex's things, I never told him he could, he has his own eye masks. He's so weird.
Late af but I hope you are doing better now. I felt the same way for months but today I woke up feeling so happy that I'm single and free. The crushing loneliness has passed. I wish you the same
and I kind of feel worse with time… But that's because I think I got to the depression stage of grief. I somehow always default to thinking about him when I rest or don't have anything to engage me. I feel like I can't remember what I used to think about. It's been 4 months out of 2.5 year relationship, wish me luck to snap out of it fast.
God I just really want to be able to listen to certain music again but the memories and associations I just can’t do it. I feel like the color has been sucked from my life.
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My ex and i broke up a few months ago but remained friends, now every time we hang out he'll say something regarding a woman, at least once during our conversation, always sort of sexual, last time he told me something this girl said and I was like, "wow so edgy" just to say something because I didn't really care about whatever a girl said and he replied with "ikr? I still got a boner"
Is he trying to make me jealous? Or is this just how friends talk? I don't remember him talking this way about women before we got together, but then maybe that was only because he was interested in me and didn't want to ruin any shots with me. I do find myself getting jealous, but if he didn't tell me I really wouldn't care. It's really difficult for me to not get pissy and passive aggressive after he says that, it just sours the mood and I have to try so hard just not to get visually upset that our conversation ends soon after. I don't know if he's caught on or not. I kind of don't want to talk to him anymore because I dread the feeling, which sucks because he's one of my best friends and has been for many years. Should I approach him and tell him it's bothering me and that if he values our friendship he should want to knock it off so I can move on?
>>197963>My ex and i broke up a few months ago but remained friends
99% of the time this is a bad and pointless idea. Things didn't work out and clearly he's not adding much value to your life. In fact, he's actively annoying you by inciting your jealousy. (He knows what he's doing, by the way.) Cut the cord completely and move on. Would you want a future partner to still be chatty with their ex, especially with obvious repressed feelings? I know that wouldn't fly with me. Shows they have poor coping mechanisms and feel a desire to hang onto the past. There are billions of people out there; you don't need that one
person you used to bang around.
I don't have any guys i'm talking to or I would.>>197997
I didn't think i had any repressed feelings but if I feel jealous it probably means i do. You're right anon I should distance myself from him now, thank you
Don't be 'friends' with your exes.
It won't ever work if the breakup wasn't mutually lost feelings. You're only gonna make things harder for yourself, spend more time worrying and being sad about him.
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i posted in the shitty ex boyfriend thread, too. but i dunno, its just cathartic to write about this. me and one of my best friends got together when we were both about 18, 6 years ago.
neither of us were in really good places mentally. he didnt have a place to stay, so he moved in with my parents and i. we quickly became kind of codependent. he proposed to me really soon after that, which is silly in hindsight, but it meant so much to me at the time.
during this time, we both made each other really happy. the only red flag was that we were both really angry people and would play fight a lot, just for the hell of it. but he'd always take things too far. i overlooked it, though.
after a while, i started suffering from some health issues and would have to stay in the hospital pretty regularly. he would always stay by my side and watch over me and take care of me. it meant a lot to me.
then, when i was pretty sick one time, and i wasnt with him, he went and cheated on me with two of our other best friends. for months after that, he would get extremely defensive and angry and would accuse ME of cheating on him with them. this was when we started fighting pretty badly. he started snapping at me and getting really angry and aggressive over petty, small things. our friends and family became pretty concerned when they saw how he would speak to me.
soon after that, i got on a medication that really messed up my sex drive, and he would get REALLY angry and upset with me when i didnt want to fuck him. he started keeping a note on his phone, where he'd write the date of every time we had sex, and would use it against me if i went too long without fucking him. his entire self esteem hinged on whether or not we'd have sex.
in 2019, we moved out together with a few other friends. i was really struggling at the time, and he kept threatening to break up with me if i didnt get my shit together. so, i quit smoking and got a second job and tried really hard to shape up.
i found out from my other roommate that he didnt even consider us to still be a couple anymore, and he was waiting until our lease was up to break up with me. i guess i kind of just stayed in denial about it. we still had to share a bed every night after that, and he would still treat me like i was his girlfriend, and would still expect me to fuck him. and i would. we were still fighting so badly, like we would get into screaming matches at this point. and any time i started feeling sick again, he would panic and get angry at me, and told me that taking care of me when i was sick traumatized him. so i had to completely hide it whenever i was in pain. despite all of this, we never really stopped being affectionate or intimate.
so, the lease was up in 2020, and we finally got some time apart. we were actually doing really well, and we were planning on moving back in together eventually, and maybe even still getting married. we were just "taking a break", and "working on ourselves", but still "special friends" and "soul mates". kek.
in the past few months, he became really distant. he would get really defensive and angry if i asked him where he was or what he was up to.
kek…..i found out that he's had a secret girlfriend for the past 10 months and has been cheating on her with me for their entire relationship. we would literally start to have sex multiple times during this period and would have to stop because i'd start crying. i was literally so sad about us not being together and he knew that. he saw that, and continued to fuck me AND her. he was planning on keeping it a secret from me until the day him and his new girlfriend moved cities. i had to find out from one of our friends. he literally convinced everybody that he barely even spoke to me anymore.
so, the friends who told me about his new gf informed her of what hes been doing with me. but theyre still together. i cant imagine the kind of shit he said to make her stay. now hes claiming that these friends are "actively and maliciously trying to ruin his life". instead of owning up to his shit. he said i was trying to organize some kind of smear campaign against him. kek. we've been best friends for almost ten years, and he blocked me like it was nothing..
TLDR; how do i stop defending him in my mind? how do i stop having dreams about him? should i just let myself wallow and grieve for a while until it hurts less? is this just what i get for not cutting him off sooner…
>>199265 > i got on a medication that really messed up my sex drive, and he would get REALLY angry and upset with me when i didnt want to fuck him. he started keeping a note on his phone, where he'd write the date of every time we had sex, and would use it against me if i went too long without fucking him
Been through this. The guy pushed me to get on antidepressants when I didn't want to go back on them. He had no sympathy when I started getting all the side effects I had warned him about in advance, tired, daily splitting headache for the first few months and then the sex drive reduction and inability to orgasm or feel much down there. He did the same thing of counting the days since we last had sex and he wasn't nice about initiating sex or trying to be gentle or affectionate to tempt me either (which would've been the one thing to get me into the mood again) instead he turned sex into this awful high pressure thing where he knew very well I'd get nothing from it and that didn't matter. He demanded it in such a way that eventually he dried me up worse then the genital numbing meds. I started to get my drive back and masturbate (tho I couldn't finish) but sex with him was still dreaded and felt like a one way thing that I did only to appease him and get him off my back.
Enough guys out there just want sex that's convenient, if you lose your drive, become ill, need to adddress your mental health or anything that gets in the way of sex then you'll quickly see how much it was all about the sex and the feelings were simply an act. Sex is important, leaving over a lack of sex is acceptable if it drags on. But cheating, threatening, pushing someone into sex, berating them or any of that shit they do is not excusable. You can feel unhappy without regular sex and you can choose to walk away because it's a deal breaker for you..but you can do that without treating someone like utter shit. They only mess up your whole perception of sex when they do that. They turn it into a dreaded chore and then you have to live with that even after the relationship ends and when you're off the meds again. It compounds the issue tenfold.
>What's that…your sex drive is low? Let me destroy any remaining sex drive that you might have and then I'll whinge that my dick is the victim and my anger fueled demands are fine and bound to make any woman wet. Why wont you fuuck me??
Ime the more time that passes, the more you'll ruminate over it and process it and you'll enter the stage where you don't defend him or see him as someone to grieve over. It took me a couple years of almost having flashbacks to fully get there.
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I recently finally broke up with my boyfriend that I've had since the beginning of HS (I'm 23 now). We were so close when we were younger and we started to drift. We don't have the same interests and our lives want to go in different directions. I really love him as a person but we were complete opposites and towards the last few years it felt like we just stuck around because we were used to that. I sprung up the idea that I wanted to move back with my family and I think I might've broke his heart. We were both coasting for a long time and we would fight over slight things. I still feel horrible about finally breaking up. We still chat to this day (I moved across states back with my family) but I still cannot tell if I did the right thing. I love him and I want him to be happy and when I think of him I feel comfortable but I know we won't get along in the long-run. A part of me broke off as well in the process. Am I a horrible person? I feel a little empty when I think about this. Did I potentially ruin my love life for the rest of my life?
>>199426>Am I a horrible person?
No, your relationship has ran it's natural course and by ending it you made the best decision for yourself (and him). It's not surprising that a relationship that was formed during a time when you both were still developing as people didn't end up lasting.
>Did I potentially ruin my love life for the rest of my life?
Of course not anon, you did not ruin your love life 4evah because you broke up with one guy at only 23. I know you're in heartbreak rn but I hope you realize how ridiculous this sounds. Most people go through multiple relationships and breakups before settling on a partner for life.
Just broke up with my ex of 2 and 1/2 years (again). I feel sick and sad but at the same time relieved. I cut off all my friends and almost my family for him. I stopped wearing makeup and clothes that fit me for him. I threw out my anime figurines and a stuffed monkey that my dad got me as a baby for him. For 2 years I had to think about how if my mom (who lives out of state) dies out there, how he wouldn't come with me because"I hate that state and you were a hoe there" (his 'body count' is like at least twice mine btw).
We went through so much together. And through that he belittled and demeaned me. We had to live i a motel because of personal issues with his family. And it was terrible. He kept comparing me to the prostitutes living in there, saying how he could go fuck them instead when I didn't want to have sex, and say smart shit like "is that all you know how to do" when I'd ask. 5 months of living and being demeaned like a hooker, yet all I owned for at least a year in out relationship was 6 or 7 shirts, only one pair of jeans I was 'allow d' to wear. (I had to throw out all the clothes I owned before I met him because, 'other men touched them')
But somehow, I stayed with him. We move back into his mom's house and now I'm suddenly the maid paying 300 a month to sleep in a corner of his childhood bedroom. The same place he had his ex in. And also had her kicked out of. (No she didn't clean, she paid rent though). We go through our days, me slowly dying more on the inside more and more. I slept in more and more. I didn't have energy even though I slept all day. And he complained about that too. "Yoou sleep too much, I'm up all day being productive and you're just a loser. You're all losers and I can't wait to be around people like me". Hearing this did not inspire me to do better. I'm sure he noticed but never changed. But he was always complaining. When we met in school he was complaining about how I didn't have a real job (I just loved to the state that March and was working part-time, retail) and that people my age had apartments and he could be with better hoes and badder bitches.
So yeah, always complaining and putting me down. And I took it and absorbed it and became the loser he'd call me. I'd sometimes be in the bathroom for hours just silently crying to myself. But I still feel bad for leaving.
But at the same time. Staying there was killing me I think(or God forbid I'm pregnant). For the past 3 weeks I've been throwing up and shitting my guts out. Part of why is cuz my mom's in town and the last time she came she left a note basically saying he wasn't good for me. So that started some shit. I was nervous because I knew if I had to see her with him, I'd have to act like I was happy. I broke down and told her today though and she wants me to come home with her.
But mostly I'd wake up and get sick. I'd think about how the day was going to go and my stomach would turn and then I'd be throwing up. We also had the stress of his mom trying to kick us out again fucking with me.
>>199611 >I had to throw out all the clothes I owned before I met him because, 'other men touched them >he could be with better hoes and badder bitches
And what.. he'd move them into his mommies house and get them to destroy all their belongings because he's too insecure to deal with them having a life before he got to fuck them? Then his mom would want rid of them and he'd just carry on living there regardless. Wow he has so much to offer.
This is exactly why women will sometimes sink to insults about an ex having a bigger dick or being a better fuck…the shit this guy put you through and all you'd have to do is tell him that other men rocked your world and he'd be destroyed by that.
Anons, help me. I think I need to break up with my on and off gf of 2 years.
This is my first serious relationship. she dated before me, but not much. I know she loves me deeply, and it kills me inside. The problem is, I don't think I love her the same way I used to. When I think about being with her for the rest of my life, or moving in with her, sometimes it feels very warm and comforting…and other times, it feels very dark and hopeless.
I don't know what it is. Everybody from my mom to my friends tells me how good she is. And I feel calm and happy when I'm with her, I just…don't know if she's the best for me long term? Not when she has her own family issues and we can't even think about living together for at least another year. But mostly, I get this sense of panic that I settled "too quickly" (started dating her at 26, like I said, first real relationship) and that I'm missing out on some perfect person for me out there. Help me. Do I need to move on? I don't know how to take away the anxiety and the ruminating about this relationship. And I can't figure out why I can't just be happy.
Mostly the idea of imagining "this" day after day for the rest of my life. Even though there's nothing wrong with "this", I feel like…I should be doing something different? That if I'm to be with somebody, I need to feel like I could spend every day with them? But part of this could be that I don't have any close friends outside of her. Getting more seemed impossible during quarantine, and I'm still finding it really hard to connect to people.>>199714
I have absolutely no idea. I've been speaking with a therapist for the past year due to being miserable as fuck and instead of some variety of depression she's come to the conclusion that I have symptoms of ocd, which I've started medication for, so that's one thing.
Maybe. Maybe that's it. A lot of times I don't feel like we care about the same things deep down, or that she understands things the same way I do. Even though of course it felt at first like we just clicked perfectly. Comparing her to other girls I sort of tried to date, she's obviously more on my level. But comparing her to how I can have discussions with certain family members or how I could talk with my friends in college?
She just…doesn't care about art the same way I do, and I think that sometimes crushes me. But then, all the other people I've met who "care about art" have been really immature.
>But comparing her to how I can have discussions with certain family members or how I could talk with my friends in college
Well, think about the conversions only the two of you can have, and think about how they make you feel. I understand as your lover you'd want her to have the same passions as you, to the same degree but that's just not how it works all the time.>>199722>Mostly the idea of imagining "this" day after day for the rest of my life. Even though there's nothing wrong with "this", I feel like…I should be doing something different? That if I'm to be with somebody, I need to feel like I could spend every day with them?
How long have you felt like that? And how often does it pop into your head? If it's a once and a while fleeting thought, that's normal but if you spend hours everyday wondering if she's the one… She's not.
And it doesn't mean she isn't a perfectly lovely girl, or that something's wrong with you. Your souls just aren't clicking on that lifetime level.
I get it nonnie
but is it worth the ban? Idiot clearly just wants attention
update: he showed up to where I was staying. Brought a letter about how he'll change and respect me and he brought a picture of us. I broke down yesterday when I found out museum tickets from my birthday, and shamefully, part of me was happy to see him. So happy. This time I didn't go back though, mainly because my mom came back home and kept me in the room.
He ended up calling the cops and it was a whole ordeal. I know he's toxic
but fuck it broke my heart to see him all distressed. I called him off my mom's phone to tell him not to do that, (he's got a record and my mom said she'd call the cops if he showed up again like that). Ended up being a much longer conversation.
I'm probably sending him one last email, since he called the cops while I was writing my letter to him and I couldn't finish, I just sent what I had off.
You know how ppl can be put into mental hospital if they want to off themselves? Yeah that should extend to ppl like >>199796
, once someone's been emotionally manipulated and broken like this they're a danger to themselves.
Yeah, I've been down that leaving and coming back route. The last time I actually left and came back I pretty much threw everything I owned before I met him out (not all though, my mom tucked some clothes away so I'm not out here naked).
It didn't get better… lol. I'm still so torn though. I know it makes no sense but the cops telling him to leave, the way he was shouting and crying on the phone, I wish I could take it all back tbh… I wanted us to work pretty bad as you can tell..>>199801
Funny, when I called him to tell him not to come back, he said he called the cops because he thought my mom was going to bakers act me.
Anon, please, DO NOT GO BACK. He is very abusive
and I think he might become violent at some point if you go back to him. Your mom seems supportive of you, and she's right, he isn't good for you. Please listen to her.
Yeah she told me the same thing. He has the history for it. Don't worry guys I don't think I'll be back this time. We fought pretty much every day over the dumbest shit sometimes and honestly he's exhausting. But at the same time he's a bit of a perfectionist so I somewhat get where he comes from.
I just wish it was different for us.
Connect so good*
Also I was his first gf, and he isn’t objectively very attractive, but he believes that he will do better. I don’t mean to sound arrogant but I really don’t think he can do better or that he will find a woman who appreciates him more than I did, and he’s making a big mistake in thinking the grass was greener. What’s ironic is at the start he said he always wanted to feel loved and desired by a girl and did not think it was possible for an average guy like him, I fell literally head over heels and like a typical moid, he got something so he doesn’t want it anymore. Sometimes I feel like the only girls with lasting relationships are the girls who are really offhand towards their bfs. For me, I just tried too hard to make him happy.
>>199814>a bit of a perfectionist
oh anon perfectionism doesn't excuse or justify abusive
behaviour. Be okay.
So he knows he wants to break up with you but won't for some reason? Let's be real, physical passion will burn out eventually in every relationship. Every single one I guarantee it. I kinda blame media and the way it portrays romance and love for people thinking otherwise.
I know the pain you feel right now and I'm really sorry.>I feel like the only girls with lasting relationships are the girls who are really offhand towards their bfs
It sure looks like it but it's a bias. Don't become the kind of person who hurts others to get what you want.
Update on the update. His mommy called my mommy to beg me to come back. Also spammed my email with pictures of us looking oh so happy.
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>"you are my soulmate, ill always love and need you, you are part of the family"
>but he keeps referring to the house and bed as "my" instead of "ours"
>im mixed and he keeps saying how you can never breed nonwhite out of nonwhite people and that they are all ugly, but says "but your cute/different" because I look white
>he is in a nazi group and I was a nazi too before realising how retarded it was
>long story, tell his parents about his nazi group shit in hopes that they help him but they all turn on me and his nazi friends and his parents tell him to dump me
>he flipflops and gaslights but then cuts me out of his life, its like the relationship never happened and its so clear I was never part of the family
>But before the dumping, right after i told on him to his parents, because of my past mental health issues he put me into the ward with lies and everyone thought I was making up the nazi thing.
>I doxxed him as revenge, but the photo proof was not clear enough to people who did not directly know him or see what our blanket looked like(a picture of one of the nazi flags was on our bed showing part of the blanket)
>everyone thought I was lying about the nazi stuff for ages and my husband gets my phone taken away so I can't prove myself
>eventually they give my phone back and me showing constant proof through texts gets through to the nurses and doctors
>the fucking doctors still try to cover up this shit in my documents
>Going to expose the ex soon.
I just don't know what to do once I get accommodation.
I also got no emotions from being constantly medicated, so Idk if finding another partner is worth it or not.
I've been in the relationship thread here and there so I'm sorry for not shutting up about this and sorry for what will probably end up a wall of text.
I was in a relationship with this boy for just shy of 7 years. We'd been through a ton together– his father's death, a few weddings, lots of family events, etc. The last year of our relationship was kind of stagnant– I sort of felt more like a roommate than a girlfriend, but we're both super introverted and I thought we were just doing a good job at letting eachother have our own independence. He did stuff on his computer and I'd do whatever interested me at the time.
Back in Feb, things were kind of rocky. After some suspicions I asked him about our relationship and he admitted that there was someone else he was talking to. He confessed feelings to her on Valentine's Day after spending the day with me. He asked me to leave the room while he did it and my stupid ass thought it was just to jerk off or something but he was giving a heartfelt confession to some other girl (who had a boyfriend at the time). He'd never met this girl irl and had only known her for a few months at this time. But he basically admitted that he was willing to dump me for her, that a relationship with her just "felt right" and "what was best for both of them".
Without dragging out the details, our breakup was super drawn out and painful, he told me he hadn't felt """"the spark"""" and wasn't in love with me anymore, and hadn't been for two years. I gave him every single opportunity to be honest with me about it, because I'd frequently try to have conversations about us whenever things didn't feel quite right but he always told me he was happy still.
We tried working on things, tried couples therapy, but he said he just didn't feel anything for me & was just. Super into this other girl (who he didn't stop talking to while we were "working on things"). We broke up officially in May. I had to move out & move back with my parents which is a kick in the gut. He's still friends with this girl, and apparently she broke up with her boyfriend (also of 7 years, go figure) and I'm just waiting to hear that they got together.
I'm still so fucking mad, still so fucking hurt, and I just can't get over it. I keep having dreams about him and having dreams where I tell him I hate him. I miss him though. He was my entire world for a long time. We talked about marriage. I put so, so much into this relationship despite never getting anything back out of it, and he had the nerve to tell me he didn't feel like I cared enough. I would've taken a bullet for him and I genuinely believed him every time he said he loved me.
I just can't get over this. I've blocked him everywhere I can think of, I told him I didn't want to be in each other's lives anymore (we were going to "still be friends"), I've grown to dislike him a LOT, but I can't help missing him and still being torn up about this.
I feel ugly and like I was so easy to just… string along. My self-esteem is gone, he seems to be getting on just fine (I caved and checked his twitter a few days ago), and he's still talking to this fucking broad.
Sorry. I can't afford therapy anymore and I feel like this is tearing me apart inside.
This is only my second post about it I think?
I know it's obnoxious but it's kinda eating me up inside.
I broke up with my bf some months ago because he had massive ego issues: Anything that didn't go exactly as he planned or whenever he did something wrong or bad you had to walk on eggshells around him or he'd go into these retarded evasive/passive-agressive moods. Like, one time we were going to go to a BBQ with friends and I entrusted him to bring some drinks we forgot to get, since I was going there directly from work and didn't have time to pass by the supermarket. Even though i reminded him twice about it, the night before and the morinng after, he still managed to forget. and we looked bad in front of my friends. I obviously waited until we were home to tell him about it and he was making shitty excuses and getting angry with me, when i was the one that was supposed to be angry with him. In the end, he didn't apologize, he insulted me in my face, and stopped talking to me for like a week; just radio silence. When i'd ask about it he'd go on some tangent like "You always do what you want" and "Everything has to be how you want it" and such gaslight-y things and digging up ridiculous things. He was fucking expecting me to apologize to him or to go excusing him and his ego, which I eventually did and it was a fucking mistake, because it happened again in the future. I became sick of it over time and decided to call it off, and he was always painting himself as the victim and being angry at his "unfair" world (apparently telling people when they fail to do a task they promised ot do is "unfair"). Don't fall for that kind of stuff, people, if your bf doesn't come clean and talk about his mistakes, or at the least try to explain calmly why they misunderstood or something, then they are a narc. Specially if they start acting like they are the one who's offended at you pointing his mistakes out. Stay away from such men.
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what a fucking dog cunt, i would be fucking livid that not only did he break up with you, but kicked you out, and only broke up with you when he had some other bitch to jump straight to. There was no 'being single' period for him at all. AND he went out with another cheater no less, that fucker is going to crash and burn when all he does is run away from women rather than fixing issues with the people who care about them. You are way better than that shitter for atleast trying to communicate during strife, when that faggot would rather just be a mute autistic little asshole on the internet all day. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I feel sorry for you and it hurt reading that. Seven fucking years wasted over nothing and he walks away unscathed. I swear to fucking god pour some brake fluid on his cars paintjob or shit in his mailbox or break his windows or do something to that absolute fucking moid pussy who doesn't just how much he influenced your life by pulling that 180 on you. 'oh lets be friends' FUCK YOU DICKHEAD, IM GOING TO TORCH YOU, YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE EASY WAY OUT OF THIS YOU LYING FUCK.
Thank your lucky stars this guy did you the unintentional favor of removing himself from your life. He's weak, self-absorbed, controlling, emotionally abusive
and entitled. How horrible it would've been to subject yourself to that for any longer much less innocent children as well. >I just kept trying to forget that side of him
In the future, don't do this. I understand he was your first love and it's tempting to romanticize someone because you want to believe the best of them, but he wasn't willing to do that favor for you. Before getting into another relationship work on your self esteem so you deeply understand you deserve someone who treats you as well if not better than you treat them.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years after we became LDR due to Covid. Honestly, he was always kind of an asshole, but he was my first and I would have done literally anything for him. Drop out of school, let go of some of my convictions, become a perfect SAHM, etc. Disgusting, I know, but that’s how crazy I was about him.
I found out through one of his friends that he was talking to two handfuls of other girls, someone online and some irl, and that he’s admitted (and bragged) about the fact he’s a serial cheater? Keep in mind he’s significantly older than me and knew I had 0 experience before him.
Anyway, I made up a selfish excuse for why we had to stop talking and I can’t stop feeling guilty about it. I pray for him at least once a week. If I think about it too much I’ll start to cry. I really do wish him the best but he was such a toxic person in my life. I wish I never met him but at the same time I occasionally get worried about him, wondering if he’s okay or not.
You already seem aware that your idea here is wishful thinking.. but are you aware it would very likely have the opposite effect? Seeing him would more likley bring all those feelings rushing back with even more intensity.
Time is a healer (to an extent) and you're looking to just throw away those first 3 months and possibly start over? Ime it's best not to see each other again if one of you is struggling more than the other. You need to let time pass and also just do that work to find closure inside your own head. Closure is internal imo. He can't do it for you, seeing him won't do it. Abandon the idea of ever seeing him and it'll help kick the healing process up a notch and get you there quicker.
Tbh I've had a similar thought process before. Or I've even entertained fantasies of bumping into exes and them either wanting me back or being full of apologies for treating me badly.. after years of no contact lol. It holds you back if you're at all waiting on them to do the work for you or somehow hand you your closure.
Not a fresh breakup but it still plays on my mind sometimes. Scrotes love to claim that they want a certain checklist ticked when looking for a woman, under 30, no children from previous men, slim and healthy etc. Now I know that's mostly BS that permanently online scrotes spew while they're dateless themselves, I get that but I really had that proven to me with this guy.
I was 27 when we started dating, no kids, in decent shape, no baggage, my own income. 2 years into living together his affair came out. The reason he told me.. he was leaving me to be with her. She was older, she was a very large woman, she had 4 kids from previous guys. Her crazy alcoholic ex had literally just moved out of her place so he was moving in. She had a whole host of fibro/cfs and other 'invisible illnesses' that had her living on disibility. Her 2 youngest kids are autistic. I checked out her socials one time right after the news came out and it was nothing but daily fb posts about her chronic fatigue like 'you don't see my struggle' and how tess holiday is such an inspiration to her.
Being cheated on is just shit anyway, feeling like you weren't even cheated on with some stunning or charming 'upgrade' of a woman is weirdly an extra kick in the gut. I almost found myself wishing he'd left me for what you'd more typically expect. It was a strange one to try and process. I felt petty for concentrating on those details but how could I not?
I never said any of this to anyone. My way of keeping some dignity after the breakup was to walk without getting petty or showing him my pain. The last few weeks before this came out he'd had this sudden intense hatred for me stem out of seemingly nowhere (makes sense now knowing he'd moved on to someone else already) so I just knew he'd enjoy it if I showed pain. Right before I moved out he rubbed my face in how great he thought this woman was and how loved up and excited he was. I just left without comment. It knocks your confidence already but if I'm honest I have to say the details of who she was.. that made it hit me even harder. Picturing what he was walking into, it just never made sense to me. The only thing I could ever put it down to is (to be crude) new pussy, familiarity breeding contempt and anyone looking better because they're brand new. I think any woman receptive to fucking him could've taken him tbh.
Anon, this sucks… but you shoudln't compare yourself to her, really. I think people most often cheat just because they're discontented with themselves or their life in some way. And if they're not ready to realize some unpleasant things about themselves and put a real effort to change, they'll make up a simple explanation (like unhappy relationship which is like that NOT because of them, of course) and find an easy solution to their problem. And it's really easy to blame someone else (you) and find someone new – doesn't really matter who, just someone available, who's making them "happy" simply by boosting their ego and giving some new emotions, for now. I wouldn't be surprised if he changed his mind later and wanted to come back. Might as well leave her for some other woman once the novelty wears off and he realizes he's not happy again. Would probably resent her for her illnesses and children. Something like that. I'm more than sure it doesn't have anything to do neither with you, nor even with her, it's just him, his issues and his laziness.
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God damn nonna, on Valentine’s Day? Take this.
There’s no way you’re running through your feelings, you’re gonna have to let it all out. Just do it healthily, stay away from bad habits, avoid instant gratification, and be ready to dust yourself off and get back to your best self once you’re ready.
What a fucking prick.
Well at least he made it easier for you to get over him by acting like that. There's no way you can pine over that kind of guy.
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Hello nonnitas, valentine's anon here. thank you for the supportive replies, I really really needed them. happy update incoming: I am coping with it so much better than I thought I would and I feel really proud of myself. I'm not medicating to escape pain or having one night stands; I'm looking after myself and planning for the future. I've joined the gym, have been spending plenty of time with friends, staying positive in my workplace. I did cry a little bit today when I packed up his things, but I just allowed myself to feel the emotion and it passed. I have really deep-seated abandonment issues and the break-up blindsided me (understandably) but I've realised that it's not because my love was worthless, it's because even if you pour the whole ocean into a broken water pail, it will always just drain out through the cracks. he was a broken bucket and I deserve better
Thanks anon. I am using dating apps and it's all I have used. I don't have the confidence to approach someone in real life and no one ever approaches me. I'm also really tall so that minimizes the dating pool by a huge number.
It's so hard. I'm picking apart all of my insecurities and magnifying them. Although I am feeling better than I did last night and starting to embrace the "single life forever" thought.
I'm kind of a hypocrite because I'm still in the 'ehh what jf' with my ex too nonnie
but I use the angry style and suggest to try tricking your brain into thinking all the good times were lies he told to bang you or have the emotional wants of a gf without putting in the work. Or how everytime you think of him, he's doing X Y Z and doesn't care to message you or check up on you. It really hurts but that's what made me hard block my ex of 6 years, just turning that sadness into anger and then doing something with it too- everytime you think of him, do a sit up or walk 10 steps, watch the exercise add up and think about how hot you are and how you tried everything but he's pathetic and a man, so he doesn't care even if you gave him the world. I know its harsh but when I realized/believed/knew how little I was to him despite all the effort, it just clicked. Men are like drugs.
But don't contact him when sad nonnie
or you'll be like me, giving out advice that did work until I relapsed into my feelings in weakness. Even if you know he lives you, that's ok, but just imagine how much better things will be.
And remember you were a person before him and after him too! You like certain movies, shows, smells, tastes… rediscover you.
Sorry I know its cheesy but I think you can do this Anon! Best of luck and love.
I've tried a little of the angry style like you suggested but it kind of made me feel like a bitch Idk it feels unfair on him. I wasn't some perfect partner so it doesn't help much to tell myself he didn't deserve me either unfortunately. I may go back to this method if all else fails though
I do really like the idea of using each time I think of him to channel it into something positive though! I'm definitely going to try and do a little exercise every time he pops into my mind. you're so right, it's like a drug the memory of him, I must still be getting some kind of endorphin release when I think of him and I definitely need to start weaning off that. I must admit I also do still imagine the two of us reconnecting and I know I'd take him back in a heartbeat but I need to stop those thoughts. at least I know I won't reach out to him, I can promise myself that much. I won't allow myself.
I like the idea of focusing on me and what I like. I want to shut out the idea that I can't be truly happy unless a man loves me, unless he loves me. They're horrible thoughts and I want to let them go. I'm glad you believe in me nona, good luck with your own journey too!
Cute. You know you've barely reached adulthood right? I'm sorry about your ex if he was as good as you think, but your life is far, far
from being over romantically or otherwise. >All men are porn addicted and devoid of empathy.
The existence of your ex alone proves this is false. Don't fall into black and white thinking just because you're going through a rough time. It's true there are a lot of really fucked up men out there, but exceptions do exist and it's possible you can find another. A better one even, considering if your ex was so great he wouldn't have broken up with you (unless you did something cruel like cheating on him or poisoning his cereal). Don't treat your life like it's over because of this one rough period. I know it's hard but you need to keep perspective. Try to focus on yourself and doing things you enjoy rather than worrying about finding another man right away. There are things to be enjoyed in the world outside of relationships, which should be a bonus on top of a fulfilling life rather than your main purpose. If you keep giving yourself chances to meet people through doing things you love, you're more likely to find someone whose outlook is similar to yours. There are billions of people in the world. Even if the percentage of thoughtful, non-pornsick men is low, out of that many men it's still a decent amount.
Anon I was exactly 24 when I went through a horrible breakup too, I just KNEW I wouldn’t find anyone as wonderful, intelligent, attractive, successful and all-around perfect for me and I wanted to give up. I was so sad, I was literally getting sick and throwing up because I was so upset at the time and I felt like dying, it was BAD.
Spoiler alert! I went on to date a few guys after him.
Fast forward to present day: I’m currently laying in the bed I share with my boyfriend of 4 years, who is now my fiancé. He SURPASSES that guy I was heartbroken over in every way. I never thought it would be possible. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and reassure 24-year-old me that everything is going to be okay. I know it sounds cliche but I just want to say, you are INDEED still young, and it DOES get better.
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This isn't technically a breakup but last week a guy I was dating rejected me after 6 months of going on dates, I made a post about it on the relationship advice thread. He (21M) rejected me (25F) because I was "too much" for him. He said he is willing to chat and meet up with me but he has no interest on taking it further. I would've unfriended or blocked him but I like him in general.
It's been a week and I am doing my best to avoid messaging him while my emotions are all over the place. I uninstalled snapchat as it was the main platform we would talk on. Every now and then I would see something that reminds me of him or I would feel low when I realise I can't talk to him about things…
I also jumped back onto the dating app scene even though there really isn't anyone that catches my interest. I know this is probably not the best way to move on.
If anyone has advice on moving on from a date rejection that would be great. Also my self esteem in dating has taken a huge hit from this rejection.
What a fucking piece of shit.>>271832
6 months of dating may not be considered a ""relationship"' by today's bizarre standards. But it was definitely a romantic relationship that can hurt whether or not he acknowledges it, and he led you on. Typical male, especially for a younger guy. Of course he's interested in meeting up, he's interested in masturbating with your body and then leaving your emotional needs unfulfilled and saying it's because you're "too much" (bare minimum = too much). Throw him away forever unless you want to stay in pain.
IMO hopping back on apps is fine. It helps to scan the field and distract myself instead of ruminating. It's not like you have to go out and meet them asap.
>>271832> He (21M) rejected me (25F) because I was "too much" for him. He said he is willing to chat and meet up with me but he has no interest on taking it further.
I know it's not the biggest age gap but I've seen this in my friend group before any time someone of 25/26 went just a handful of years younger. The exact same vague but blamey wording of "you're just too much for me" was used. I wouldn't take it as a personal insult. 21 year old guys are rarely 'up for' taking on much anyway.
6 months is a long time to just to be dating tbh. I'm older so maybe that's how things are heading now but.. if a guy likes you it shouldn't take that long to narrow down whether you're more than that. Him taking that long, him calling you 'too much' and him wanting to still meet up post rejection?.. stay very clear of him. He said no so that's the final answer. Don't hang around as a back up option or someone he can potentially use sexually. That's how men are thinking when they say that. If you were genuinely just too much for him.. he'd cut you off and leave you to move on. Imo there's an element of him just being a user from the start here.
I don't see a problem with you popping back onto apps. Usually I'd warn against rebounds but you never made it official and he seemed flakey as hell so why should you sit around and grieve over that?
Yeah some people online are in such a rush to meet in person. Tbh the guy I dated wanted me to meet him in person after only a week of talking, normally I wouldnt meet someone until at least a month of talking to them. But yeah for now I'm mainly just chatting to people on apps.>>271853
I really should or at least unfriend him but I also think about being friends with him when hes a bit more older and wiser (or maybe i'm just in denial)>>271875
Yeah i shouldn't be hurt but i am. Mainly because HE said he was interested in me and made the first move, he was the first person who was okay with some of my personal insecurities of my small birth defect and my hair. I also felt he had a nice opposite personalty trait (calm, introvert and going with the flow) to my extrovert, organised, energetic personality.
>it was definitely a romantic relationship that can hurt whether or not he acknowledges it, and he led you on.
stupidly enough when i brought up that he led me on he got very defensive and said that he didnt and that he was into me. one of the things he said when we went out on our first dates was that he didn't want to be led on… He was also said that its okay if I went on dates with other guys but it would make him sad (I know this is probably showing huge red flags now and yes I did go on a date with another guy friend)
>Of course he's interested in meeting up, he's interested in masturbating with your body and then leaving your emotional needs unfulfilled and saying it's because you're "too much" (bare minimum = too much).
Yeah it's one of the reasons I deleted some of my sexy pics he had saved on the chat. Also to be honest I feel like this is an issue with a lot of the guys I meet on dating apps and even some of my guy friends who show sexual interest in me…>>271897>21 year old guys are rarely 'up for' taking on much anyway.
Yeah to be honest he was fresh out of university and only had one relationship experience (and only) in uni.
>Him taking that long, him calling you 'too much' and him wanting to still meet up post rejection? Imo there's an element of him just being a user from the start here.
Yeah I did find it bizarre that he rejected me the day before we were planning to meet up and taking a while to be in a relationship with me. It didn't help how calm and chill he was after rejecting me saying "lol" or "lmao" at the end of one of his sentences.
I think the reason i'm still a bit iffy about going back onto dating apps is because some of the people there remind me of him, had one guy brought up the same game the guy i was dating wanted me to play and they are both into the same sports. I also feel like I'm moving too fast with all the personal stuff happening in my life but at the same time I really need to be surrounded by friends and meet new people to connect with. It's just now I will have more of my guard up
Y'all my relationship is testing me. I love this guy. I really do. We've been together for years and lived together 2 years. Sometimes though…I feel like he just wants me to be his mom and take care of every life stress problem FOR him rather than tackle it as a team. Sometimes it's flattering. He asks nicely every year for me to handle his taxes because frankly I'm smarter and better with the paperwork and I get him a refund every year.
So to begin this long story. You must know I gave him my car. His broke down and it was more financially sound for me to buy myself a new car and give him my original vehicle that had been reliable for the 6 ish years I owned it, but was old enough I could part with it and it would make a good to-and-from-work car for him. This worked out fine as his car was going to cost just as much to fix as it would just buying a new car, so we sold his for parts to help get me a new car and he decided to take "ownership" of mine. We will get to that later. He insists it's still my car.
So, he's been driving my old but reliable car for the last year and a half now. It's had issues come up three times with it (honestly I think this keeps happening because he drives so damn aggressively, hitting the throttle like a crazy person on the highway, all that shit) but it was easy to fix problems. BEFORE we figured out these were easy to fix problems, each time it would happen it would be super stressful because I would have to take time out of my day to get him to work, the car was seeming like it was breaking down (the last time it was because a spark plug literally exploded and the car just wouldn't…go). We can't afford ANOTHER new car so it always sucks. The problem is…when it happens, he's so fucking unhelpful. He just throws tantrums due to the stress and says he hates cars and hates driving and hates having to deal with it. He insists he's been treating it nice and he doesn't know what's happening with it every time. I don't push the issue of him being kind to it even though I'm doubtful but he never wants to actually help. He comes up with an excuse as to why he can't call the mechanic or go down to the shop because he is at work (I'm work from home so I am glad to handle these things, but it's like it's automatically expected I will do it). He never asks nicely for me to call a mechanic, he just throws the tantrum and it's expected I handle it. He gets angry when I say he's being selfish and it seems like he expects me to take care of everything for him and says I'm being rude and to leave him alone. The car is still in my name. Today we had a huge fight over it because it's having issues again and I called my mechanic and gave my boyfriend an update and his only answer was "great". Not "thank you for handling it," nothing. Just "great." The car he's been putting wear and tear on every day that still technically belongs to me…he shows no gratitude for me fixing it up for him or handling it for him. At the end of this fight I was kind of a bitch but I got pushed to the edge after this happening three times. I ended up telling him that if he expects me to handle everything and he doesn't want to contribute to any of the maintenance for a vehicle he insists he is just "borrowing" from me, I don't want him driving it anymore and he can find another way to work. He said fine. I said good, I'll sell it because it's clearly breaking down often enough that it's an issue and I don't want to deal with it anymore. He said fine.
Obviously I don't think I'll really do that but he's such an asshat. If I had been "borrowing" someone's car for a year and a half I'd be apologetic if something went wrong or at LEAST want to help with the upkeep. I always take it to get the oil changed, tires rotated, etc. etc. He does none of this. He won't get it in his name because "it's mine and he doesn't want it" but he still wants to take it to work every day. We almost broke up a while back and he seemed to think he was still going to keep "my" car, which honestly I would have let him have–but he'd have to have it in his name which is clearly a problem for him since he insists it's not his car and he doesn't want it unless it's convenient for him.
This is just the biggest symptom of an ongoing issue with me doing all the life stress shit solo. I just needed to vent. Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
So…do y'all think I should leave him? Is this kind of shit a REALLY bad sign or is it just stupid relationship stuff?
Did you try communicating that he needs to do a better job of tackling issues with you as a team? How did he respond?
I also think you could try just doing less so that he wouldn't have you as a safety net and would be forced to step up and handle his own shit.
Nobody can tell you whether you should leave him or not because we only got a very small glimpse into your relationship. The only advice we can give you is to consider that this is how the rest of your life with him would go. Would you be okay with that? I don't know if you want children but if you do, consider that this would mean significantly more work for you. He sounds like the type of guy who's very comfortable being taken care of, so he has little to no incentive to change. You have to figure out what it is you want and whether he can provide that for you and then you need to communicate that to him and draw boundaries.
Thought I should add to this for clarity. He responded like he always does. With exasperation and eventual agreement to do better but it happens again.
And I don't shit talk him to my family or anything. The first time the car was having issues I called my dad for advice because he used to rebuild cars. He wanted my boyfriend to go do some diagnostic things on the phone with him to save us some money. My boyfriend didn't want to do it because "he was afraid of messing it up"…eventually I got on the phone with my dad and did the diagnostics myself and we found the issue together. That was one of the things my dad noticed and started to make it clear he didn't like him for. My dad is kind of traditional (read: low key sexism) so he automatically wanted to be man to man with his pseudo son in law and walk him through it and we had an argument about why he wouldn't.
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I have been in a stable, loving and flat out beneficial-only-to-me relationship for almost 2 years now. I love my boyfriend, he's the only person I wish to see after isolating myself for days on end. The harsh truth, though, is that I still haven't moved on from my relationship with someone who I can only describe as "the one who got away". He (towga) was my door to the world of rock music, alternative lifestyle, punkish escapism from everyday workaholic reality. For my first moshpit he took me to an underground concert and we waltzed in the moshpit; I'll never forget it. Hell, he drove a long ass way to the countryside to meet me and spend time with me, just for me to show him the middle finger and go home at the end of the day, but he loved it. Why, God, why can't I move on from this? He wasn't and will never be worthy of being in a relationship with, but yet, my brain is stuck on the part of my life when we'd do stupid, reckless and fun shit together. Maybe it's because my current boyfriend is very tame, relaxed, 8 years older than me and had enough drinking from back in the day, yet I still haven't had my fun? Maybe it's because, back when I was a tween, I dreamed of the lifestyle that my brain projects onto him (towga)?
Worst of the worst, I met him (and a friend of his) not long ago in a rock club while out with my friend. By the end of the night all of us awkwardly talked and hung out. Me and my friend ended up going with them to their band practice place and staying up all night, listening to those his (towga) friend show off, meanwhile he was stand-off-ish. After that we randomly texted once in a while, with me leaving him on unread, after which he (afaik) got another friend to add me to a group chat with tons of alternative people in the city I live in. Maybe he knew that's what I want; to go balls out with people who know more than me?
As the anon above you said, we can't really see your relationship as you can so take our advice carefully, BUT I wanna point something out. Is your dad a good dad (sexism nonwithstanding)? Do you guys have a good relationship together and has he always steered you the right way? My parents and I are very close and I noticed that every single time I brought someone home (friend, romantic partner, all the same), the ones that they did not like always had the messiest partings. Do you think your dad feels the same way, in that he genuinely sees your BF as lower value than you and encumbering your life? I would say, if you guys have that type of close relationship then talk to your dad about this. He may give you an opinion of you and your BF's relationship from an insightful distance.
Either way, best of luck nonnie
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I always turn out dating men with A. A fixation on pegging or B. Only have interest/gain pleasure from anal sex. What is wrong with me.
He has an okay job. Not a big breadwinner, but no slouch either. We split things up pretty evenly as I work too and I don't really like being "taken care of"
To the other message, me and my dad have an okay relationship. The sexism was just an aside to explain why he would want to speak to him and not be. He's not a dick about it, but he's a traditional European values kind of guy. Child of immigrants. Kind of right wing but not bigoted. The whole thing. So we have disagreements now and again but he hasn't ever given me BAD advice I would say. I know he thinks I'm too good for him but it's hard to say if that's just "nobody will ever be good enough" or if he's onto something
Nta and sorry but it’s really unhealthy to cling to an ex just because they’re your only point of emotional connection. Saying this as someone who’s been there. This is how women get isolated and end up staying with abusive
partners, because they feel like they have no one else. Even if your ex was a good person, you don’t want to be emotionally dependent on anyone, much less a man. The best thing you can do is focus of developing self love and things you can get fulfillment from even when you’re alone, in addition to making friends with a variety of people (preferably women) so you don’t feel the need to return to someone who didn’t work out. It’s harder in the short term but much more sustainable and positive in the long run. Otherwise you’re always going to have one foot in the past and subconsciously close yourself off to new people you could connect with who’d be better for you. 9 times out of 10 by the time you’ve achieved these things you’ll find your ex really wasn’t that special and not someone you’d want to continue having in your life once you have a more balanced perspective anyway.
Once you commit to it, it's actually not a difficult pattern to break.
Moids who stay in touch after breaking up are just trying to get revenge at you. It's the type of passive-aggressive shit you wouldn't take during the relationship itself from the uggo, so why accept it afterwards when the relationship doesn't and will never exist again?
It's absolutely cathartic to bury this bs for good and move the fuck on, you'll never feel better.
I already had that thought more than once actually, but I thought "he wouldn't actually be that petty"… Thanks for the pep talk nonnie
, I'll try to leave him behind for good after this summer
I'm glad I could be of help, nonnie
. I'm sure there's someone loving, obstinate and trustworthy waiting for you just around the corner.
Me and my ex broke up years ago. Our relationship was pretty non-physical because I am gay but hadn't realized it and he was dealing with his mental illness, but it was a relationship. He got very dependant on me while in episodes acting like a dick and verbally abusing me, even putting me down infront of strangers. I was still attached because when he wasn't like that he treated me like a princess and I was extremely lonely. When we broke up he wanted to remain friends. I tried to leave the friendship a few times but he kept begging me not to. That went on until he ghosted me because he met someone new. After like 4 years he texted me, november last year. Acted like nothing had happened. We became friends but then he demanded I become his girlfriend again now (we havent seen each other in person in over 4 years and we had texted very sparingly). I was surprised and told him that makes no sense and I cant just be his girlfriend out of nowhere. As usual he got verbally abusive, then called me manipulative and self-important for keeping a calm tone in response to that. I had enough and ranted at him about how many times he's treated me like shit and that got him to actually apologize and leave me alone again. Our toxic bonding is back though and only a few weeks later we were friends. Then he started to talk about, again, how I need to be his girl now. He sent a very nasty, hurtful message so I didnt reply. He after a week texted me putting me down for being prude and boring because he was just drunk and that if im his friend I will accept him for whom he is. I tried to be nice, as usual, and he acted like everything was fine. Hours later he spammed me with messages about how he only wants things to be good between us so I replied back the next day (because it was late) that it is good now. Out of NOWHERE when he'd gotten that response he started calling me a fucking retard and a stupid bitch. I just ignored those messages and its been a week. I feel very shaken. I'm not one to take peoples crap so I dont know why he makes me so pathetic. I cant even get myself to block him, I still feel responsible for his mental health and bad that I wasnt able to help him more…
He never used to be THIS horrible, I considered him my best ex, but knowing him he's probably doing drugs now. He makes me hate myself and feel like a such a tiny person. I always did feel he was kind of a bully, even in the past, but for some reason I took it because he was also so sweet and loving… Ugh a part of me still loves him and I dont mean romantically anymore but just like as the person I remember from the good times we had…
I posted about this in a different thread, but me and my long-term bf broke up and I later learned he had cheated on me during a rough part in our relationship. Even though cheating is never ok, I keep feeling like it was my fault. I have some sexual hang-ups and if only we had worked on it more, if only I had done this or that differently, maybe he wouldn’t have cheated. Even though there were other things in our relationship that bothered me, and I was the one who broke up with him, I just want him back now, but I know it’s never gonna be the same. To top it off, I learned after breaking up he is probably a vulnerable narcissist and suddenly everything about him makes sense. My codependent ass keeps rationalising this, thinking getting back together would be ok because I’m the only person who really understands him etc. Our break-up was amicable, but when I called him out for cheating on me he did the usual narc thing, projecting his faults onto me and discarding me. It’s so painful going from being his best friend in the world, feeling unconditionally loved, to knowing he feels nothing now and probably has already forgotten about me. Although part of me wants him to be happy, it also kills me knowing he’s likely found some other girl to love-bomb and have sex with, and that he’s probably way more sexually satisfied than when we were together.
Anyway, during the end of our relationship I didn’t really feel sexually wanted by him and I really craved having sex, so after breaking up and finding out about the cheating I downloaded tinder and hooked up with a couple of guys even though I’m an emotional wreck right now. Most of the encounters were kinda awkward but ok, but with one of them the sexual chemistry was ridiculous. I think he feels the same way and he seems like an absolute sweetheart, but he has the personality of a brick. Like we just have hour long sex then lie in bed cuddling in dead silence then have sex again. I love having sex with him, but I’m afraid he’s gonna fall for me because he told me he’s looking for a relationship (I was upfront about my situation with the ex and that I’m still not over him and am not really looking for a relationship atm). At the same time I realize a lot of people who have been in a relationship with a narcissist struggle when dating «ordinary» guys because it’s not exciting enough etc., and are at risk of ending up in a new relationship with a narc.
I guess I’m afraid I’ll never be able to love again and at the same time have a satisfying sexual relationship. My ex was my first bf and we were together for 5 years, so I don’t really have any references for what a normal, healthy relationship is supposed to be like.
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I refuse to let a real man touch me again, this manchild piece of shit fucked me up so badly I considered KMSing.
>>275848 Even though cheating is never ok, I keep feeling like it was my fault.
Fucking stop it, if he wanted to be loyal he would have I know a guy who waited 2 years for his gf to actually be able to have sex without pain and didn’t cheat.
The longer you stay hanged up on someone who didn’t love you thinking they are the one the longer you will miss being the one for someone compatible.
Are you me? I also recently had a break-up, which lasted 5 years and was my first relationship. He also cheated on me. Like you, after the breakup there was a point where we were vaguely friends (I’m cringing I attempted to stay friends after, but I was attached). One day, I found out some more information and whenever I called out his bullshit, the switch flipped and it was no longer “You’re my best friend, I’ll help you with any problem, I care about you, let me know if you need anything” to “Fuck you, I have my own life now and I got a date to go on, handle your problems yourself from now on, and leave me out of it.” It was shocking seeing someone that used to care about me during the early years, to a narcissist that cheated and then discarded me when I no longer catered to them.
Sadly I’ve learned that nothing stops a scrote from cheating. It’s not you, it’s their messed-up mind. Just look at all of the hot women celebs that get cheated on all the time (I know this is a cliche example, but this is what made me realize it can happen to anyone and isn’t the fault of the woman). There’s nothing you could have done, he’s defective and has bad character. It’s a reflection of him, not you.>>275892> The longer you stay hanged up on someone who didn’t love you thinking they are the one the longer you will miss being the one for someone compatible.
Nta but this is good advice, thanks nonna
There are times I think about my ex coming back, apologizing to me about everything, and loving me the way it used to be, but I know it wouldn’t work if he did come back. He probably whored around which would gross me out and at the end of our relationship when he became crazier, he let himself go and looks awful now. I miss something that can’t be recreated again which sucks. The possibility of him coming back is slim anyways, and do I really want to accept someone back that gaslighted me when I had suspicions, lied to me, and cheated? I think I just miss the past.
I’m touch-starved and wish I had another boyfriend, but I’m very selective, and don’t want to be used again.
Thanks anon, I needed to hear that. It's stupid because although I have a lot of fond memories of us, there were many things in our relationship which made me feel like we weren't a good match. Initially after breaking up I felt relieved and empowered, but now I just want to go back and I feel pathetic because it's so counter-intuitive. I can't bear the thought that he didn't love me, so I choose to believe he did in his own, selfish way, but I realize I need focus on the shit things about him and move on. >>275935
Thank you for the support anon. I'm sorry to hear you went through something similar, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I guess you're right, cheaters will cheat no matter what. It's so cliché, but my ex did the usual cheater thing at the start of our relationship, telling me he had a zero tolerance of cheating, being kind of possessive of me etc. I'm annoyed at how many red flags I brushed off lmao.
Yeah, sometimes I feel like the only one with this experience, and that I'm stupid that my first relationship, which was also very long-term, ended so terribly. So seeing your post was sort of comforting in that way, that it's a little more common than I thought.>did the usual cheater thing at the start of our relationship, telling me he had a zero tolerance of cheating, being kind of possessive of me etc.
Huh, my ex did the same thing. I looked at chat logs from years ago (when the breakup was still fresh and I wanted closure), and in the beginning, he told me how he was cheated on before and didn't want it to happen again, and that he would never be open to polyamory because he only wants to love one person. He would get jealous of me being around other guys too. Fast forward 4 years later, and this same asshole cheats on me (with multiple people), says he's interested in poly (aka cheating) relationships, and didn't care who I am hanging around with anymore (couldn't care less about the possibility of me cheating or flirting around, actually tried encouraging me). We were still in high school when he said the original stuff, but still. It was weird and dissonant.>I'm annoyed at how many red flags I brushed off lmao.
The only positive is knowing these red flags now. I always had a gut feeling he was cheating on me with people that were "friends", but he would get angry at me and say nothing was going on, so I just ignored my intuition, because I thought I could trust him and that I knew him well enough. We were together 5 years, right? When I found proof though, he finally admitted it (to some of it anyway). I'm never going to ignore my gut again. I feel like maybe I'm a little too critical about men now, but I don't want to waste my time or go through that emotional turmoil again.
Dated a BPD male. I was cheated on, manipulated, constantly berated, I was under constant supervision and suspicion, always being watched. He would threaten suicide constantly and self harm if I didn't accommodate him enough, and even threatened to stab me a few times although he was never physically abusive. At the beginning I was so patient and kind and giving, but we were together for a year and by the end I was as bad as him. I ended up replicating a lot of his patterns and it ended with me snapping, going through his messages and finding out he cheated on me. When he tried to grab me to stop me from leaving I started physically attacking him. I don't know how to resolve the intense guilt and anger I feel. I absolutely despise him but I hate myself more for acting that way. I know that he acted worse than that throughout the relationship, but I feel like I crossed a line by becoming physical, and his behaviour was at least explained by his personality disorder. I don't have that excuse, so I'm just a bad person. I haven't spoken to him for months now but I don't know how to move past this.
From someone who suffered abuse in my first « real » relationship, I can assure you replicating their patterns is very common. The abuser is overwhelming, he controls you, he gaslights. Even if you’re not with him it’s like he’s watching over your shoulder so you have to act accordingly. It gets to a point where you start doing the same, you become like him (obsessive, paranoid, controlling..) and for your case physical. It doesn’t make you a bad person, you were driven to this state. You were not
like this when it started. It takes a long time to find yourself again and sometimes things that changed because of him will remain. It takes hard work and time to overcome. You have to be strong, remember who you were before meeting him and start loving yourself. You’re not him, you’re not what he made you into, you’re what YOU want to be.
You went through his phone and found out he was cheating, he guilted you because he knows he's the one at fault.
He physically forced you to stay so you had to fight back, he's again at fault.
We don't know what would've happened if you hadn't fought back but chances are, he would hurt you. You did the right thing and checking through your partners phone or leaving when you feel threatened are NOT abusive
, men thunk they are because they can't handle being the one at fault.
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Ok this is going to sound a bit fake or golddiggerish at best (or not, idk) but hear me out please!
A few months ago I befriended a guy and the attraction was instant. Physically, intellectually, and mentally. I'm 20 and he 23. We had non-piv sex in less than 24 hrs, both for the first time. Idk if that's a big deal or not but I'd never done anything like that so it was shocking to me.
Anyways, he was really intense and I was hesitating because of my previous first "relationship" that burnt me badly but eventually I gave it a shot. Our relationship lasted maybe less than two months, he said we were incompatible, practically called me pathetic (said it was sad I had such poor view of myself and esteem), and that I had severe trust issues I had to work on. I just "accepted" it and we had an amicable breakup.
In reality I never moved on and we talked about this a few times. He told me I need to look inside and either make peace with how I am ("zany" I guess) or improve, so it sounded like there was hope (on top of mixed messages on his part) and working on myself is what I've been doing this whole time.
Anyways, some time passes and he gets a job that he was really excited about for a long time. I'm happy for him though sad we won't be spending a lot of time together anymore. Long story short he was constantly commenting about how much he makes and I'm far from a numbers person so had never really caught on. That is until I sat down and pulled some numbers I remembered and did some calculations.
I needed that visual aid to realize he is prctically rich. Not top 1% or anything, but yeah, pretty rich. Meanwhile I make 16/hr… and, I simply don't get it? That's the gist of it. Why is this guy my friend? I wasn't sure if the whole "get therapy" thing from him was a cop out and he actually didn't like me, should I take this as a sign that no, he really does like me? or is this just a man that's really humble? He's uber sweet so I wouldn't doubt it, but idk, I still can't wrap my head around it.
Thoughts, opinions, and questions welcome, please and thank you
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its been 2 years and ive never met someone who treated me as well as my 2nd boyfriend. no one has ever been as patient with me or understood me as well as he did. every man ive dated since then has been emotionally unavailable or psychotic trainwrecks. am i just fucked forever? he left me due to his poor mental health and never seemed to gain any interest in going back when he said he was "better" and ghosted me after i said i wouldnt have sex if we werent dating
am i fucked?
Had a LDR for a couple of years. He stayed with me for a few months, I stayed on his place with his family for a week. We moved in together last year, I built a small business (food) with money I had stashed since I was a kid so we could work and not be useless on my mom's house. We broke up, he's moving back to his town miles and miles away next week. I took the initiative to break up, I just HATED living AND working with him. He lived with his mom all his life (who is a stay at home mom and did everything) so he had no notion about taking care of a house, basic organizing and cleaning… It completely burned me out to live with him, made me lose all attraction and respect because I saw him as nothing but a fat slob, like an ugly hairy baby who can't take of himself… It's sad. He's older too so I didn't expect to have to be in charge of everything all the time, the mental load, feeling like I was taking care of a retarded child… God… I'll never move in with no one ever again, you only get exposed to the worse of people. It's just that in my case there wasn't much we could do considering the distance
Wish I could say he was an abusive shitty moid, it would make the break up much easier but truth is he's probably stunted due to living with his mom and having few life skills etc. I told him he better get his shit together because no woman in the world will put up with a 30 year old man like this, except slobs, drug addicts and another stunted womanchild. lol
Maybe he has ADHD or autism, idk. Always felt something "off" about him, his dad was like 50 when he was born so kek that would explain it. My cousin had an ex who was like "I wont do anything in the house because that's woman's work" but he wasn't like this, he genuinely seemed retarded/like a child at times. Not something that mattered much when we were getting to know each other sadly. It snowballed from domestic problems to losing all my attraction to him and I never even thought he was very good looking (and he never put effort either) but some fantasies kept my fire alive, fantasies shattered by reality when we moved in together.
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I unfollowed me ex on socials and went no contact when he left town earlier this month, today he finally unfollowed me back (presumably because he realized I unfollowed) and for some reason I'm devastated even though I know social media doesn't matter (plus I did it first lmao). I know he's not doing it because he hates me or anything, we ended on good terms, plus he acted like a shit during our breakup in May and acknowledged it before he left and it's probably just shame, but I'm still overthinking and wondering if he moved on that quickly (doesn't matter whether he did or not), or if he hates me (again doesn't matter). It also forced me to realize that I was posting stuff on my stories because I wanted to see if he was watching them, whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not. Fuck I know time heals things but I want to be over him now. I have a concert to go to later today and I just want to curl up in bed all day. It doesn't help that he was so uncertain about his own decision to break up with me.
>>283137>I unfollowed me ex on socials
If you do this, you are golden and it will pass. If you don't, you are a fucking retard who will waste god knows how long of your life over absolutely nothing.
Since you took action already, don't stress yourself out too much, nonnie
. Literally all you have to do now is to hold on to it. If you do it, you'll be fine in a month or two, and much better later.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years a three years back. My life is much better without him but the way our relationship ended still upsets me so much. It was wonderful for literal years, and I do mean wonderful he was always very supportive, we had a ton of common niche interests, and generally I felt like he understood me more than almost anyone else. He was always willing to cook for me, take over my half of the chores if I'd had a bad day at work, comfort me when I was upset.
But then my grandpa (who lived with me growing up and was always the relative I was closest to) passed away and I ended up in a very dark place mentally and this guy just flipped on me.
He was very supportive for the first couple months but then after that when I cried he'd lash out at me and tell me to get over it, and then he'd start sobbing and apologizing and I'd end up having to console him.
He also got much angrier, too, about really petty things. Sometimes his road rage was so bad I feared for my safety.
And god forbid I ever got slightly snippy on a day the grief was hitting me especially hard. In his mind he was allowed to fly into a rage over minor inconveniences but it was completely cruel and 'abusive' of me to be a bit grumpy when I was coping with the death of a man who raised me.
He also began cheating on me at this point, and I was too loyal and financially unstable to break it off for a good while after that.
I fortunately did end up getting out of that relationship, and I've been trying to move on but it's so hard. Again, our relationship was genuinely wonderful for a good 7 years and he did a complete 180 on me. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else and out of nowhere he became extremely cold and cruel to me.
I really miss his family, too. They welcomed me with open arms and considered me part of their family. His mom would bake cakes and make cute little craft projects for me on my birthday every year, and his sister and I ended up being good friends, we spent a ton of time just playing video games and watching movies together and talking about life. And now I feel like I can never speak to them again.
I've been going on dates with people (mostly other women, which puts me at ease a bit) but whenever I feel a spark I end up pulling away and ghosting them. What if I get attached to another set of in-laws who I have to suddenly cut contact with because of a breakup? What if my new girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly turns on me after years of love and support like he did?
I feel your pain.
My ex boyfriend of 6 years cheated on me too ("only" downloaded dating app behind my back and defended that he never intended to meet anyone etc. Lol.)
He had also anger issues.
I miss him a lot, all his good and sweet parts, but then I realize I would not feel safe having a child with this man. I couldn't trust him and I would be afraid of his moodiness and unloyality, hiding things etc.
Ultimately I know I did the right choice to break up.
I have lot of trust issues now too. I hope you can feel better soon, have patience and be vulnerable with someone.
We always delude ourselves about the relationship to a positively insane degree after it ends, particularly if it was ended by the other party. But this goes away and everything gets reframed after a while.
Relationships that are truly, genuinely meant to be don't end (if they do, the odds are one in a billion), except if someone dies.
Start by focusing on improving your self esteem as well as working on the aspects of yourself you think are negative.
It might not happen for awhile but you also need to forgive yourself. It is extremely unlikely you will be able to patch things up with this person but you can prevent it from happening again. The fact that you seem to be aware of the issue is a very good first step.
You can get better and you can foster a loving and healthy relationship, dont forget that!
Forgive yourself, grow from it and then move on.
That's all you really can do. Punishing yourself won't change the past.
Reflect on your actions, come to terms, take some time off like a week or 2 and if you continously keep on with the same thinking patterns you should probably go get counseling to talk about why you feel a certain way. You should use this opportunity to learn.
If the reason you feel you should fix the situation with this person just because you feel 'bad ' or you feel pity for this person , ask yourself are you doing this to just make yourself feel better or them.
If you feel awful because you hurt someone you actually love and that loved you, then you decide wether or not you want to try to talk to them. Sometimes all it takes is a little courage, who knows, what if the other person is willing to forgive you and love you despite everything that happened? If you get another chance though don't fuck it up!
tit for tat, i say. if he can't be bothered to commit, you aren't obligated to give him any more of your time and energy. and don't feel stupid, because you aren't. you wanted something, and you went for it hoping it would work out. in this case, it didn't, but it wasn't from a lack of effort on your part, so don't let that bother you. shit happens, and even though it sucks, sometimes it's better to cut your losses for your own sake. anyway, fuck that guy and best of luck on your trip. be safe and have fun! <3
>>283728>turns out, he had a girlfriend when we first got together and he broke up with her to be with me and I didn't know about any of that. He never mentioned her once throughout our relationship, probably out of guilt. In turn, he broke up with me to be with her again
I'm sorry anon. I've kinda been on the other side I guess. I have an ex who dumped me one day and it turned out he went on holidays with his new gf ONE day later.. then went to live with her a week later. I obviously now highly suspect there was some overlap too. I've always been left wondering whether she knew she was messing with an attached man or whether he fed her a story and changed the dates to pretend like he was single already. Does she know I even exist? But I will say.. he has attempted to stay in touch with me ever since and I know full well he's trying to keep me on the backburner to maybe swap back again when the honeymoon period is over with her. His break up speech even included a line where he said "maybe one day we'll get back together" Who the fuck says that mid break up talk? Especially when it turns out he'd already replaced me by that point.
I was kept in the dark att but dealing with him and finding shit out afterwards has opened my eyes to how some men operate like that. Lining up women in advance and hopping from one to the next with zero downtime. I won't be taking him back if the day comes where he makes that move.
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I'm about to start another relationship, and I can't help but be scared and mistrustful. My ex had cheated on me a great part of our relationship with girls online, and spent so much money on buying nudes. (Like, thousands) I really had no idea because he hid everything so well. He crafted this image of himself that I loved, and thought I would marry. I thought that he was going to be it. His family loved me, mine his family. We did everything together. He, or that image, was so perfect. Now I am so grateful I found out before the relationship progressed into an engagement or marriage. Disgusting groomer fucker.
This new guy I am seeing is a very kind and sweet man. He knows I am still hurting from what my ex did to me. Maybe I am being foolish or overthinking because I am so love-starved or something, but this new guy is amazing. He wants to honor me, and not just see me as a vessel to get his dick wet so we haven't done anything but making out and cuddling. He's patient with me since I have autism. I feel so protected by him, which I have not felt from any man. I cannot stop the feelings of him hiding a deep dark secret from bubbling. I don't want him to be a disgusting coomer. I want someone who will look at me and only me.
He had secret accounts on social media, and used a money sending app I did not use. We also did not live together, so I didn't see him every day. It was only when I was coming over to his house and went downstairs to surprise him. I got off work early that day. He was looking at something on his phone and quickly hid it from me. I teased him about it, but my gut was telling me something was wrong. I tried to shake it off and when he was in the bathroom I snooped. I'm not one to go through phones; I think everyone should have a right privacy, but that feeling did not go away. Guess I was right to trust it since I saw everything. All that fucking money.
I was not denying him sex or anything. I don't understand why he did that when we had an active sex life. God, I still feel so repulsed because on some of the dates he bought nudes, we had sex then. Like I wasn't fucking enough even though I did EVEYRTHING he wanted.
Men, regardless of how much you give them, will take any opportunity to cheat, even if not physically with another person. They have weak willpower. I'm sorry that happened nonnie
. The only advice I can give is to be 100% open with each other's phones and social medias, but even then secret accounts can be made. It's fucking stupid you have to essentially babysit men all the time
What I thoroughly like about this new man I am seeing is that he does not have any social media other than a Discord to play games with his IRL friends. He showed me everything. I don't really use social media either other than accounts on forum websites. Again, there is always that thought of him lying and he is another degenerate scrote. I am praying he's not like my ex in that regard. >>284468
I'm so sorry that happened to you Nona. The fuck is wrong with men that they have to constantly seek out pleasure 24/7?
I know I'm getting over it when I stop thinking things like > if only I had acted differently, if only this had happened, if I knew the break up was coming I could've saved us, I could've tried harder, I should've done this..
When all those statements fade out of my mind then I know I'm past the worst part of it. Then the memories stop being painful and become more neutral. I've always thought that I'm pretty bad for getting over break ups. It takes me longer than I'd like but it gets easier each time. Ime the first time is the roughest.
It’s possible to move on, I promise you nonna. Sometimes it takes awhile and it can really come in waves but eventually you will heal. I’m a probable
bpdchan with extremely obsessive tendencies and I’ve been able to move on from the multiple “love of my life”’s that I’ve had over the years. The more you focus on yourself and what is best for you the more you will probably realize why the relationship didn’t work and even be thankful that it didn’t.
Don't do it anon. I get that it hurts and that you miss him and want to talk but you're not doing yourself any favours if you text him. Like the anons above said, find something else to do. Write a letter where you let out your feelings or start a document, where you write down what you would like to say to him (but don't send it!) or do something else entirely. Delete his number if you can and make it as hard as possible for yourself to contact him. That's all I have for you.
I wish you the best of luck and that you'll get over him quickly.
I had a quick relapse with my gf yesterday. Dumbest fucking thing I've ever done.
She got me to apologize for mild shit I did ages ago and then immediately turned to ignoring me again for the umpteenth time. I don't need this constant stream of humiliation in my life.
I do drink, I was very drunk when I wrote >>284885
, so far I haven't contacted him at all while drunk and I'm proud of myself. Worst I did was watch his instagram stories lmao.
Myself, I feel it just depends on how the breakup happened. When your trust is betrayed and then the truth comes out after the fact, and not even from the ex, it come from other people, it makes the breakup a little easier.
But, honestly for me, it just snapped. One day, I just stopped having those feelings. They went away. I had days where I cried and missed him a lot, but it eventually stopped. It took a while. But it happened.
Tbh I had lived alone before (and with roomies) but very similar to >>287656
I spent 3 years living with a guy and when we split up I ended up moving from the city to a rural town to keep costs down. It felt like a fresh start and was the best thing I ever did. I had to change jobs but where I was living before I felt stuck either splitting rent with strangers or moving in with bfs prematurely just to make ends meet. Nice to be free of that.
I got broken up with from a girl for whom I felt things I never felt before, though we only dated for almost two months it was the farthest I've managed to go with a woman so far. It was all perfect, had some first times with her, I felt secure and wanted and she gave me a lot of affection. But after a beautiful weekend together, she suddenly got cold and dumped me two days later citing "working on her mental health". What seemed almost innocent turned into full blown manipulative behavior from her, who basically admitted to having deceived me, that everything she did and said that made me happy, was only done and said to be someone I could like. It was all a fucking lie. She also turned hostile, suicide baited and dodged blame at some point. I wasted almost two months and some milestones of my life on someone who was only wearing a mask, the fact she never meant any of it and couldn't stop lying even when confronted is the worst thing. All the loving touches, the words, the plans for the near future, all a lie.
How do you go from something like this? Any anon familiar with master manipulators like this? Were you able to trust again and eventually found someone worthy? I've been a crying mess since yesterday.
What information specifically? She claimed to be looking for a gf and seemed to be very romantic and caring, we were even exclusive from the start because we vibed so well we weren't interested in seeing other people and just see how it would go. She seemed very serious and we started seeing each other every weekend. Cue to a series of beautiful dates where everything seemed to be going so greatly and the interest was mutual. We grow closer, she starts saying things like how she wanted to travel with me sometime, go to this place and this other place, spend her bday together… I believe it, because by that point she seemed so genuine.
Now after a great weekend where she couldn't keep her hands off me, introduced me to her friends, told about me to her parents, suddenly she drops the big news that she's actually not ready for a relationship and wants to "focus on her mental health". As she talks more, she reveals that she was pretending to be someone I would like, that she was saying things to make me happy, but that she actually felt like suffocating (things initiated by her, keep in mind). As I confronted her she turned very manipulative, said that "I sounded very angry" (yeah no shit - I was far too rational actually), "sorry you feel that way", then throws a pity party for herself, then goes as far as to conclude that she was impulsive trying to break things off, and to just slow down. On the next day she sends me a message saying that she actually also said that she still wanted to date to "make me happy", and blocks me everywhere.
New dating fear unlocked, I guess.
First, I want to say that I am very sorry that you met someone like this that can do this to you.
There are some people in the world who are selfish and don't think of anyone but themselves, but it also seems this woman was so lost and didn't know who she was. Please remember that, to not give time to someone that doesn't even know who they are. She manipulated you, and lied to you. You deserve someone who wanted all those firsts with you and someone you can trust.
I wish I could give you solid advice anon. I'm the same, a lesbian woman with little to no experience. I was also played by a master manipulator for 7 long years. I am trying every single day to keep my head up and have hope for myself. I wish you the best, and its hard to say this but it's best if you realize this was all her and not you.
If there is a friendship thread I'll post my info with a tidbit so we can email if you want.
Thanks anon, I appreciate it. I now have a phone gallery full of our pics together that goes back to 2 months, and the worst feeling is that I can't even look back at it with good memories. All those memories are now tainted, I was so happy and falling in love for the first time but it was all a lie. She was just playing a character the entire time, and what compelled her to do such a thing, we will never know. Her real self was a manipulative, hostile and selfish person from the little I've been able to see. It just feels so unfair, what were the chances that I would finally truly click with someone, do all those things together feeling real happiness and slowly grow feelings and fall in love only for it to be actually a psychopath playing a character?
At the cost of sounding selfish myself, a big part of me wishes this happened to someone with experience instead, someone who's already known love, because they would be able to brush it off more easily knowing there's been good people out there for them. But with me, I just feel terribly jaded and pessimistic and it's possible that in the future I might meet someone who truly wants to be with me and run away expecting once again rejection. >If there is a friendship thread I'll post my info with a tidbit so we can email if you want.
I'd like that!
I posted in the friend finder thread and the photo I posted is a keyboard with flowers.
I think becoming jaded is normal after that, however, I think this is the immediate response you have. I believe that if you surround yourself with things that make you happy or submit yourself to something you enjoy whole heartedly then maybe you can try to advance. Healing a broken heart is something that is so hard and I think that no matter how much I tell you to try again it seems silly now. Maybe it might be best to save those photos in a folder with a password so you won't be tempted to look at them for the time being.
I hate when you can’t stop associating things with your ex. There’s certain songs and music genres, shows, clothing styles, even foods I can’t enjoy anymore because my abusive
ex ruined them for me and I literally get so triggered
My ex was the abusive
one but I can't stop but associate pokemon with her and I loved pokemon since a child.
What I hate about this is.. I'll spend a while after break ups having to avoid things that trigger
memories. But then at the same time I'll be like… I bet they don't even think of me anymore.
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is not blocking your ex of many years who you dont want nothing with, okay?? sorry to the nonnie who posted something similar above me kek pls ignore this post
>ive only had 3 relationships
>2 of my ex gfs still follow me on social media but i dont follow them. they like my posts and comment at times but i dont interact with them ever publicly.
>long time ago i told them both that i did not want to continue contact with them. they said it was fine but continued to follow me and private message me at random times
>first is my ex gf of 4 years who sometimes sends me shit at 3 am
>other one is ex gf of a year who has tried to contact me begging for forgiveness at least 3 times. she would also REEEEE cause i didnt have my other ex gf blocked but at the same time… i know she would have gone fully insane if i had blocked her back when i dumped her
>i dont block. just leave them on read or say im not interested mostly. theyre like okay ill respect that. then they contact me again when theyre lonely
>friends have always told me to just block them but even though i dont want them in my life i feel really bad letting go??? like i literally want nothing with them EVER so why do i get so worked up over this??? why cant i just block and move on?? is this healthy? again i dont let them back in my life, but i guess part of me just want to know if they would ask again??
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so I just recently had my first serious break up. i'm surprisingly taking it really well, it helps he is no loss. however, when i feel particularly moody, twice now, i'll imagine us reconciling as some sort of self-soothing. like i imagine scenarios of him telling me how sorry he is, how much he loves me, what he's willing to do to make sure i heal if i decide to take him back, to rebuild my trust in him, how he promises to be patient as i take as much time as i need since it's all his fault. you get the gist, stuff that'll never happen, even more morbid stuff like him self-harming smh. once in the scenario, i hesitantly take a chance on him, but mostly i imagine myself crying over not being able to or him not being able to move on forever. I like the latter the most, and have looked up reasons men are hit by break-ups much later to satisfyingly back it up. I also suspected most alcoholics are men, looked it up and i was correct. I like to think of these men as having been hit particularly hard by a break up, and in typical male fashion not being able or equipped to confront their feelings, and numbing themselves as a distraction.
I rather not think about this at all, i was doing really good at first, ig what i'm asking is how do i go back to that nonchanlant attitude again?
I broke up with a TiF (it takes an extreme amount of self hatred to settle for this type of relationship haha) ex last year and I thought that I couldn’t do better until I met my current boyfriend 3 months later.
It’s a combination of incompatibility and circumstances related to her sister’s cancer treatment. Wasted 3 years of my life dating her because again self-hatred. She knew that this relationship wouldn’t last but she didn’t have the guts to break up with me herself because she’s either too lazy or has also settled into the situation while everything falls apart.
I made an assumption that we’d be on speaking terms but there’s definitely nothing between us now. I sometimes forget she exists and it’s probably for the better since I’ve spent years putting her needs before me. Lol I can even tell she felt like talking to me was an obligation when we were in a relationship when she’d rather whore for attention through writing fanfics on AO3 for complete strangers on the internet. I at least knew that I deserved better and I got over the relationship 3 weeks after breaking up.
I’m currently very happy with my new relationship and we’re about to reach our 1st anniversary soon. What I’d tell nonnies looking for a partner that wants to be with you for long term is to make sure that the person you’re interested wants the same thing as you. For me, we both talked about wanting a serious relationship and life-long partnership. We also have the same goal of traveling the world and become a married couple with no kids. I know it may seem like there’s no one else out there for you when it’s all over but there’s hope. I believe in your happiness nonnies.
Sage for blogpost