/g/ - girl talk

It's been over a year now and the divorce has been finalized and I'm still not over him. I feel like life won't ever be as comfortable, safe and cozy without him there to support and provide for me. Everyone says I'll find someone better but the realist in me feels like that's highly unlikely. Dating apps are so taxing and repetitive. My experience meeting him was happenstance but felt like destiny because of a neat coincidence that his grandparents lived across the street from me and we never interacted until we met through friends at Magfest in 2015. Being a military spouse suited me so well although we never got stationed anywhere interesting. Pretty much all of my friends were where we lived together and I had to move back to my home state to be close to my mom as my mental health is very bad. I basically have one or two friends in this area so I'm pretty lonely when I'm not visiting with my mom. I lucked out and was able to secure my own little house but I still struggle taking care of myself and I recently lost my Tricare insurance. I doordash for my income and seem to be making just enough to get by. I had a pretty secure job housekeeping at a nursing home but I screwed it up and got fired for calling out too many times masquerading depression with "stomach flu" and "visual migraines"
I have major depression disorder and am just barely keeping my head above water every day. When I'm not dashing I either sleep for 12-14 hours or doomscroll and have little motivation to do the things I enjoy like video games, yoga, making art. All I really wanted in life was the life I had with him, and more recently to be a mother. I'm 34 so I feel scared that I'll never get my chance to experience motherhood. My other goal in life is to be a tattoo artist, which I've started a portfolio but haven't been motivated to work on it much…the depression zaps any motivation and inspiration I have to work on it more despite being on the maximum dosage for zoloft. Suicide comes to my mind a lot lately and the few things keeping me from it are my kitten I adopted when I moved into my place last summer and my mom (who already lost my dad to suicide in 2008) and my best friends (one of which is stationed in Italy with her husband) Along with zoloft I'm on 15mg of Olanzapine because I had a severe manic episode in the summer of 2023 triggered by the divorce. I posted in the last thread a few times so maybe some of you remember me as the nona that went to jail. I finished the behavioral health docket and my charge will be dismissed with my final court date on the 11th of next month. Once that day is settled I'll be free to partake in marijuana and get my medical card which will make things significantly less depressing so that's one of the small things also keeping me going. It's still so hard though, I think about him and what we had and could have had together every day. I try to remind myself of the negatives about our relationship like his cheating and mood swings that often had me walking on eggshells around him, but I still feel that I love him. The divorce really took me by surprise as I thought things were going so well but apparently not. I try to put on a positive face for my mom and my friends but when I'm alone I know I'm not taking care of myself properly or doing the bare minimum to get through each day. It could be worse though I guess…I could be Shayna lmfao

thanks for making a new thread nona

>>445688
Average military wife experience, please never settle for one ever again, you'll realize how much it's not worth it.

this person has me so fucked up, never in my life thought i would feel like this and it makes me feel so pathetic. i feel like being cheated on by someone who convinced me to fall in love with them despite my hesitancy, has ruined my life. my other ex cheated and it didn't hurt the same as this. why did he convince me i should trust him just to destroy me like this? i feel like i will never get over this and that I'm ruined for relationships now because I will never be able to trust. the fact that it's been this long and it still hurts as much as the first day i found out. the fact that they appear remorseful and beg me to stay is not helping things. It feels so unfair. I'm so confused and heartbroken.

>>445688
I'm sorry nona. Divorce is very hard. Mourning the future you thought was set in stone, feels like grieving a loss, but no one around you gets it because no one died. Do you have friends or anyone for support that you don't have to put on a positive face for? Going to therapy also helped me when I went through my divorce but finding the right match can be hit or miss.

>>445695
Yeah they always joke about how so many couples divorce when ones in the military and I never thought it would happen with us but here I am.

>>445697
I have a therapist and she's helped a little bit and I try to be honest about how I am doing when I talk to my friends and my mom but I'm definitely masking how low I really feel to not worry them. I really don't want to return to an inpatient facility and don't really think they would be able to help me much as it really is just going through the grieving process. Posting here on occasion helps me out because of anonymity, I feel like I can be more honest with myself in my vents. I redownload the finch app and started a new bird (didn't think to backup my old one) so hoping it'll help me feel more accountable and productive. I really want to start doing yoga and drinking coffee in the mornings like I use to when I was married but every day I end up sleeping in until it's time to do some doordashing. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week and I'm going to see if he can adjust my meds for me.