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No. 929346
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I hate porn
No. 929376
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does this count anons
No. 929384
Porn gave me weird kinks, I’m glad they weren’t fetishes because that would’ve fucked me up even more.
Until I was like 18 I liked BDSM shit, literally because of the sparkly collars and gear, and thought that I was an uwu subby girl, I would mostly read rape stuff and loli shit that could be considered CP because of the art style.
It was only by the time I was 21 that I sat down and thought
>bruh what the fuck
And stopped reading such filthy shit, it’s horrible when you’re lonely and also involved in online communities that support such things, because you even start thinking that it’s okay, if not normal.
I’ve also talked about this before, but the only way for me to stop spiraling down the porn rabbit hole was talking to a real pedophile.
It was disgusting to say the least, I’m glad that deep down I knew that the whole “oh they’re smarter than you think and they’re actually into it” was bullshit, and that the other pedo motto was bullshit too, the “I-I’m not touching anyone, this is pure love!!!”.
I hate pedos, I can’t wait to be able to use my money to donate to charities against them or to create my own movement or some shit, I want all pedophiles to die, male or female.
It’s shitty how kids are overexposed to porn, to the point that 9 years old me could find it and get into it so easily, even if I had parents that were constantly checking on me, porn has always been everywhere, even on Nintendo magazines.
I honestly keep repeating this whenever this topic comes out, but I honestly think that kids shouldn’t use the internet at all, it’s not necessary for their development, you can literally just print whatever you need and keep it around, maybe use a tablet with the internet disabled, maybe just buy books and teach the kid to read shit that’s over 3 lines long.
Because even if you do your best to keep them away from sick fucks, they will find a way to try to lure the kid into their “forbidden” “cool” and “mysterious” bullshit.
Also, I don’t care if other kids watch porn, at least teach your kid to shame her/his friends, it’s the only way to stop kids from consuming porn.
No. 929386
Thanks for making this thread anon. Here are a few of my experiences (that happened around age 4 to 8).
>Happened to peek out in the living room and saw my dad watching porn. He didn't see me.
>Dad used to take me to a Chinese blockbuster-esque store and let me wander while he would rent tapes (non-porn ones because it was for my mom, but thinking back on it he probably rented some porn too). I would stand in front of some random DVDs and I'd find porn ones and stare at them. They had graphic (though censored) pictures.
>Found a porn DVD of my dad's just on the TV cabinet.
When I was slightly older (around 9-13), I got access to a computer.
>Used to look up porn.
>Joined yahoo chatrooms and would have sexual chats with strangers (can't remember if I told them my age or not).
>Would have online boyfriends on the MMO I played and also cybered with these online boyfriends.
It's definitely fucked me up. I didn't have actual sex with another person until I was about 18 or 19 and it led me down a spiraling hole of depression because I would equate my worth to my body to my worthiness of sex to love. I posted about it before but I was sexually abused as a child by my babysitter's son. He tried anal with me, tried to have me give him a blowjob, and I'd also go to him while he was on his computer while he had porn on and he wouldn't try to hide it. His mother, my babysitter, did nothing to stop any of this. I've always thought it didn't affect me, because I felt that it truly didn't and have always felt that it's just a memory of my childhood like any other memory, but an anon pointed out to me that this is probably part of my trauma response to it. It may have indirectly caused my teenage/adult depression, my fucked up relationship with sex, and my incredibly high libido. My libido didn't even itself out until after my latest depressive hole that came my last break up. I don't know if it's linked, but I also have degenerate kinks like breeding/pregnancy/power imbalances in relationships (all in fiction, have never explored or care to explore these irl with a partner).
No. 929473
>>929343I never consumed porn, although I did download some funny nude shit while torrenting, like a man playing a xylophone with his massive dick. But those didn't really scar me.
I hung out in early IRCs and loved to mess with horny guys and be intentionally uncooperative and see them get mad. Me and my friends even added some guys that wanted to webcam, so we covered our cam and laughed at some of the ugly ass dicks we've seen. All in all, I somehow got lucky and avoided getting groomed by internet men, and if anything it just helped to cement the feeling in me that men are pathetic pretty early.
No. 929490
File: 1633302925146.png (629.01 KB, 563x845, imagen_2021-10-03_181534.png)
Someone made me read the Metamorphose manga at a weird and vulnerable period of my life. It gave me these fetishes:
Crackwhore fucking in which I imagine I'm a crackwhore and lose all control and suck dick for money
Fucking on drugs that make you feel good, men giving said drugs on my mouth
Being fucked by multiple guys one after another but not in a gangbang, just in a row, passed around
Pissing in front of people, then getting fucked
Fucking for drug money while I'm and injecting shit
Whorefication, going from an "innocent" or "normal" state into becoming a prostitute
Getting pregntant from a client or someone that sells me drugs (a possition of power/someone who manhandles me)
Aborting said baby to continue whoring myself out
Fucking a cock with STDs (I might know or not know at the time of fucking that it is diseased), never wear protection with anyone ever again
Standing on the street as a streetwalking prostitute, fucking on the street, near trash cans or in a shady looking brothel
And I think that's it
I'm a virgin and I would never do any of that crap. I'm a feminist even. But it makes me horny and I'm ashamed of this shit.
How the fuck do I stop this?????
No. 929566
>>929490>Getting pregntant from a client or someone that sells me drugs, aborting said baby to continue whoring myself outThese aren’t even fetishes, they’re weird fantasies. You can’t detail an event step-by-step and call it a fetish.
You sound like a minor, stop looking at porn and study for your fucking vocabulary test.
No. 929588
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>find dad's porg mags as a kid
>actually get off to them
>some of the pages are stuck together
>too innocent to know why
No. 929589
>>929585Nta but pretty much that, people view pornsick males as “funny and quirky” at worst.
While the sole fact of a woman looking at a naked person makes her already a whore, either in a “positive” light, in which she’s the quirky free girl who will make a guy’s pornsick dreams come true; or in the negative light in which she’s just broken and gross because “women should be 100% pure flowers” who will uwu blush and tell her gf free bf that she’s amazed by the size of his 3incher.
No. 929599
>>929594>This is why you can't talk about serious shit on lolcow, never fucking ever.Bitch, you just said you got off on LARPing as a coke addicted, STD-ridden, crackwhore who aborts her illegitimate children. AND YOU WANT US TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, PLEASE!
Boo motherfucking boo!
No. 929608
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When I was a kid sometimes men sent me child porn. I found it disgusting but was unable to look away. I'd stare at these images and watch the videos over and over. First off because it was so illegal. But there was something about just looking at the ultimate level of hell? The men in these videos felt like I was looking at some supernatural evil demons who toootally didn't exist in real life. How the kids would react. It was all so eerie and reminds me of the feeling you get from looking at liminal spaces. I felt numb as if I've seen it all now, I've seen how evil mens sexuality is. It's just not connected to love at all.
Sorry for the weird description.
No. 929609
>>929549This is the lesbian anon. It's a work in progress but I believe things can get better. I hope maybe after school, I can sort it out. It feels so weird when men are interested in me now. I just wished I lived a normal life.
I can't really share any of this to my friends (even the girls) because they insist porn is a normal part of life. It sucks, so I appreciate this thread even though it's a mess right now.
No. 929719
Tbh agree with anons about this topic being suspiciously pedo-baity, scrotes really do love sexualizing every inch about growing up as a girl. However I think it's still an important topic so trying to keep it as non-explicit as possible.
Background: I'm an oldfag and was around when the internet wasn't nearly as regulated as it is now. I was exposed to porn at a young age (around 9-10) and was obsessed with hentai at like 12 to the point of being a coomer for all of my teens but I do think how much it actually influenced and affected me. Even the kinks that I have seemed to exist as proto-paraphilias in my very early childhood to some extent. What seemed to traumatize and negatively affect me the most was all the men harassing and grooming me for all of my youth, while something like tentacle hentai was a personal way for me to explore my sexuality since there was technically no men involved in it. Later on in life I realized I'm a lesbian, hentai just doesn't seem to be realistic enough to really have a effect that noticeable in my IRL sexuality. Especially because I watched it in solitude without anyone forcing me to or being a creep about it.
However I'm still starchily anti-porn. It's obvious that porn is validating dangerous male fantasies like believing that women secretly want to be hurt and it's even more alarming that so many young girls believe sex should be what the pornsick scrotes dictate it to be. I lucked out and never became one of those poor nymphet e-girls being coerced into sending out nudes to roach daddies at 14 but often I think it's just because because my brain instinctively knew I shouldn't and it's wrong. Be it the lesbianism or whatever but something prevented me from cooperating and I'm so glad. My heart goes out to all the anons who were abused and exploited in their teens.
>>929608You described the experience to a T. When I was exposed to CP in my teens after ending up on some shady sites I felt exactly the same. It was a horrifying, eerie feeling that haunts me almost two decades later. I'm so happy I'm not attracted to men, I seriously wouldn't know how to cope if I was.
No. 929768
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Incredibly tame compared to the other responses here. I was fortunate enough to have a stable childhood and be pretty sheltered from porn. The first time I masturbated I literally just touched my clit without knowing what the fuck I was doing kek.
My first mild exposure was DA when I was like 12, lots of borderline pinups and niche fetish stuff when I was just looking for Nickelodeon crossover fanart.
When I was 13 I tried getting into making youtube videos and found audio porn in the official youtube audio library. I found it by accident, that's how easy it was to come by. Literally couples doing anal and dirty talking through it, men moaning, women getting off with vibrators and shit like that. All fairly tame considering the status-quo for porn now but still pretty shocking to find on YT.
I went to an all-girls middle-high school and I remember my classmates telling stories in 8th grade about how their siblings or cousins had shown them actual porn when they were 10-11 years old. At the time we thought it was funny, but now I look back at the patterns of those girls behaviour and realise that they were almost definitely CSA victims. Shit sucks in hindsight, especially knowing at least five of them were self harming by senior year, and one of them was dating a 23-year-old at 16 who made her keep her school uniform on when they fucked. I hope he dies young.
No. 929772
When I was 12-13 I would use Tumblr. I was a kid, so naturally I would follow tags that were related to kid stuff- Disney, certain cartoons, kawaii stuff, etc. (Some of you already know where this is going). Obviously at that age I was aware of sex and porn. What I wasn't aware of is how casual people are about showcasing their depravity.
Adult women dressed as children. They post their genitals to the Disney tags, "daddy did this" and "daddy did that". Their bruised up arses and mauled bodies. At 12 I did not need to be exposed to extreme kink. Did I deserve it for being on the internet? No, I was just a kid in the Disney tags, but they sure did insist that we all deserved it for being online
>>929768DeviantArt is a trap for youth. When I was a kid, maybe 9 or so, I was super into Pokémon. I liked looking at Pokémon art. DeviantArt was littered with porn and it really feels like such a downer to me that my first visual experience with sexuality was essentially art of beastiality. I wasn't seeking it out. I would just search for particular pokémon and the porn art would be scattered among the normal art
No. 929815
>>929783I wish I had pictures right now, but those magazines are at my other house.
They had these small icons that if you sent a text message to some random number, you would be able to have the icon as your signature for your text messages.
They were basically just random publicity that kept the magazines afloat in my third world country, but sometimes it had scantily clad women and such, I still remember one of some butt cheeks that were burgers and some weird thing hugging them.
No. 929847
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>>929343I was on habbo hotel when I was 9 and a pedo sent a porn link with some weird bdsm shit. I saw it for maybe half a minute, I was confused why this woman was on a leash, then closed it down in a panic. I was already taught to hate porn before that, not for religious reasons, misandry reasons. I'm fucked up and practically diagnosed with asshole personality disorder, but at least I never liked porn. I was instead ruined by horror movies like Audition, in combination with taught misandry and of course being harassed and having some close calls with scrotes. Boohoo I'm the fucking devil, get over it. I didn't ask for any of this and don't entertain it.
Music videos though, they are practically softcore porn, but I consider that the healthy and innate part of my sexuality. The Lady Marmalade video was overwhelming and I still watch music videos for private time fun (or read lesbian smut).
No. 930660
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Back when mlp was starting to get popular and I was the target audience (around 9 years old I think) I stumbled upon nsfw artwork of the characters and ended up falling down a furry-zoo porn rabbit hole. I was too young and stupid to fully comprehend the immorality of the sort of content I was viewing at the time.
No. 930782
>>929878I'm on fandom twitter and every week I see some retarded post about how writing and drawing about how you want to fuck a cartoon horse is okay and actually a healthy expression of sexuality and anyone who says otherwise is an awful puritan anti gatekeeper. It makes me want to fucking vomit, especially the 30+ women who get mad that children are upset about coming across porn of their favourite characters.
It's like how some men have come forward about being abused by their wives so society's convinced themselves that domestic abuse is committed half by men and half by women, even though the evidence clearly shows the majority of abusers are men. Some of these retards cry about how they're allowed to draw and jerk off to porn of a kids show because they were abused as kids, so the handmaids have convinced themselves that most posters of weird illegal fanporn are abuse
victims trying to cope, when it's so obvious that they're groomers using it to desensitize a whole audience of
victims.
No. 930802
>>929585>how empowering and flattering porn is to men and how degrading and insulting it is to womenYou're making the assumption that every men just wants to choke, slap or "dominate" his woman.
Most just want to look at pretty girls in lingerie and have them doing something vaguely sexual and taboo with a silent and noninvasive protagonist.
Instead you always get forced BDSM, painful sex acts, Cuckshit, terrible tattoos, male actors who can't shut up, crappy camera angles which only focus on genitals, shitty tattoos, weird fake noises, low effort women (plain haircut, bad makeup and no lingerie), bad and unnecessary plastic surgery, broken and cut penisses (painful to look at), zero chemistry between "actors" (they have sex as though they hate each other) and ugly tattoos. If you somehow manage to find a good looking actress in a cozy video and want to look up more you'll just find the inevitable gangbang or piss video, which tends to kill all attraction.
Once you hit your twenties you just feel increasingly ashamed about it all (especially about the tattood girls), and the only people who will still openly shill porn after that age are bisexual swingers, weirdos and inked losers.
(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE) No. 930808
>>930782>>930785Frankly, jacking it to cartoon animals
is weird and degenerate, but yelling at furverts is a waste of time, they will never listen. As long as they keep it all away from children it's better to just leave them alone.
On the other hand, I keep seeing uwu minows in obviously adult-oriented fandoms (as in, the source material itself is clearly not for kids) whining about adult content which is actually properly tagged 99% of the time.
No. 930817
>>930808I wish social media implemented a way to mass block everyone under 18 if you tag your account as a NSFW one, I honestly do not want to expose underage teenagers to the degenerate shit I like nor do I want them to ever interact with predatory perverts attempting to take advantage of them. It was the worst mistake to centralize all content to the same social media sites where you have people of all ages and walks of life participating.
>>930802Nobody cares, scrote
No. 930820
>>930817>I wish social media implemented a way to mass block everyone under 18 if you tag your account as a NSFW oneThis, also the minimum age for social media should be raised to 16, 13 is way too low. Or just make it 18+ if companies are too lazy to implement automatic mass blocking of minors from NSFW accounts.
>It was the worst mistake to centralize all content to the same social media sites where you have people of all ages and walks of life participatingThis, this, this! I miss hobby-oriented forums so much.
No. 931046
>>930960Yeah, my parents were strict but I luckily self-censored when I did stumble across porn and understood what the intentions were of the random males who'd try to talk to me. Thank goodness for that, it's sad how many anons ITT got groomed and pornsick at such a young age.
>>930993>I really wonder what makes children more and less inclined to look at this stuff.Same. I think the factor for me was that at the age I started going online (~11-12) I still very much thought of myself and was treated as a kid and didn't feel any pressure to act older, and at the time spending too much time in general was considered something that losers do so I didn't get in too deep. Plus I was more or less exclusively interested in kid stuff like neopets and roleplaying sites so there wasn't much risk of exposure to porn
unless I gave the family computer a virus and my parents monitored my internet access until I was into my mid-teens.
No. 931121
I created a blog for people (women) to post their pedophiles. it can be as anonymous as you want or as exposing as you want.
I added disclaimers just because I didn't want to get removed for false accusations but this is ridiculous so many men get away with pedophilia
https://post-a-pedo.tumblr.com/submitThis would also be helpful for women in relationships if this gets widespread enough so people know who to allow around them
No. 931176
>>930960I'm
>>929847, I was also given unrestricted access to the internet, which is how I ended up on habbo hotel in the first place at such a young age. I'm not from a religious household, but I was taught to hit men over staring at nudie mags in the shop and things like that and heard lots of misandrist rants. So I put two and two together when I realized what I was seeing. After the one time I clicked that link, I never clicked random links again, lesson learned. I kinda just stayed on YouTube, kid game sites and SFW boards (eventually). I remember when people would come to school to lecture us on internet safety. I'm still fucked up, just in a very opposite direction and experiences like that do contribute to the hatred.
No. 933428
File: 1633654517687.jpg (27.37 KB, 441x374, 1548524929533.jpg)
My early exposure to porn was probably around the age of 8-11 when I'm new to using the internet. I remembered stumbling upon porn of Sonic characters, Gardevoir/Pokemon girls and Princess Peach when looking for cute pictures and references on Google Images. I think that safe search back then wasn't as filtered as it is now (except for some certain characters). But by looking at those images, I didn't really understand how sex works, why they're naked with huge breasts and making weird faces but it did caught my curiosity and gave me a weird arousal to where I look them up again and deleted my history. There are times where I sometimes have been caught masturbating or walked on without the computer and got shamed for it (I didn't have a bedroom for myself).
At the age of 12, I slowly start to understand the idea of it from kids at school that jokingly talked about masturbation, titties and dicks as we're all going through puberty. Sometimes I even embarrassed myself when I bring up those topics when I still didn't fully grasp the idea of it. Later, I have the guts to look up on animations/hentai and real porn with audio. It was a risky take since I've used my brother's computer in his room when no one's around without getting caught. When I take a shower, I've used the handle of my hair brush as a dildo and I never thought it would feel so good.
At the age of 13, I found out about yaoi/gay/male focus porn to which it fits my kind of taste but I still look up on female focus porn in a guilty way. I believed my spark for male focus porn started with Link, Hetalia and Junjou Romantica then I became a fujoshi and have annoyed my friends (who have interest in anime) by shipping male characters together and showing them my Junjou Romantica mangas to which I later cringed and felt awful when I think about it. They were weirded out and think that I'm some quirky girl. Also same brother had gotten a laptop and I've secretly used it a few times in the bathroom to watch Sensitive Pornograph and regretted watching all 3 of the Boku no Pico OVAs out of curiosity. Though what I regretted and hate myself the most is when I had a crush on one of my friends after coming out as bisexual (leaning more towards straight, not sexually attracted to women) and it got to the point that all of us almost stopped being friends because of how weird I am. Though we haven't cut each other off but I haven't talk to her and the others since we go to different schools and last saw her at a friend's party as adults. I just hope she understands that it was just a weird phase.
Now in the present day, I have a huge hatred towards female focus porn and lewd content made for scrotes because that shit is everywhere ever since (on memes, anime, video games, my feed/recommendations, etc.) but still have the urge to look at them and their sick kinks/fetishes (furry, lesbian, trap/futa, shota/loli, tentacles, creampie, etc.) just to get off quickly and switch it to male focus porn. After climaxing, I feel guilty and disgusted to whatever the fuck scrotes get off to and convinced myself that I don't even like seeing women in a sexual way. Nowadays, me the horny virgin loser I am, stick to male focus porn and look up on it almost everyday even when I'm bored. Honestly, I'm more comfortable in seeing and liking hot guys since they are not as sexualized as it is with girls. I've read self-insert fanfics, listen to nsfw audios, and fantasized of getting fucked by attractive men. Even got my own dildo too.
No. 933443
Too much porn shit is literally everywhere. Music videos have been basically just straight porn since the 80s, tiktok, youtube shorts, etc are all just softcore porn, porn clickbait everything, can't even advertise different normie apps without having some girl in a bikini with big fake tits on the cover
That being said, the normalization of photoshop, bra stuffing, corsets, plastic surgery, etc combined with the fact all girls now are encouraged to post porn-like content has completely ruined men's perception of the female body. Since it's no longer just sports illustrated and playboy ladies with insane proportions but its every other girl on tiktok and snapchat, combine that with the idea that girls who call out how unhealthy this is are automatically branded as bitter and jealous and you get a fucked up generation full of plastic surgery addicts and 12 yr old girls wearing double push up bras and squating all night trying to get a big butt
No. 934686
>>929481>i wish i could have a re-do but instead i’m trapped in this bleak, lonely existence, and no one around me can relate or understand. i keep trying to make a better life for myself but my brain is absolutely fuckedDamn, same.
I try to fill my brain with useless information about history and other stuff to hopefully one day reach the space where all my memories of my abuse is stored and to get it overwritten or deleted like a memory card.
I also don't think I can ever defeat my chronic depression.
No. 934692
>>930660My exposure to porn was also through MLP.. I would find AMVS of my little pony hentai and ero-gore feel like a badass because I thought it made me 'tough' or something.. the sex stuff I didn't really understand but from there I started reading loli manga and that caused my sexual awakening.
It makes me really sad, I didn't know what I was doing and I definitely have a really unhealthy outlook on sex and disturbing material now. I hate porn and I hate every person who watches it
No. 935836
>>929368 the perfect mix of muscle and fat premium grade baratits. It makes me feel like a total coomer, like men watching drawings of anime women with idealistic fat distribution on their bodies but also giant cowtits.
Its scary how much I relate
No. 935864
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>>934692We have a very similar experience, it’s almost uncanny.
I called myself a pegasister when I was young, I’d say… ten years old? Around that age, when the show was first getting huge online.
I lurked the MLP fandom a lot and so inevitably stumbled into hentai flashes of the ponies. I played them for the same reason you did, it made me feel ‘tough’. A short while after that, though, I started reading degenerate doujins and manga unrelated to MLP.
Loli, shota, gore…. I thought I was edgy and cool, and seriously did not understand the severity of what I was doing since I was so little.
It still makes me miserable thinking about it considering how young I was. I’m lucky to not have been the
victim of some pedophile moid, minus… a small occurrence on a chat site that happened when I was either 12 or 13.
16 year old guy gave me tips on how to masturbate and said that the talk was making him horny and asked me if I was alright with him jerking it to our conversation. He knew how old I was. Even back then it made me extremely uncomfortable, but I was too awkward to say no. Luckily, I never saw him again after that, so while the experience was horrible, it could have been a lot worse. Still crosses my mind every now and then. Parents need to monitor what their kids do online.
Christ, I wasn’t expecting this post to be so long. Guess I really needed to get this off my chest.
No. 935883
>>935864Ayrt, I'm really sorry that happened to you, especially with that degenerate when you were so young.
It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone, reading other anons experiences (including yours) helps remind me that the internet is not a place for young people but it doesn't 'ruin' you or anything. I also think innocence is glorified too much because our culture is pedophilic; at least we can talk about it now
No. 935916
i'm so relieved this thread exists, even though i feel sorry for anyone who struggles with this. i started watching porn when i was 9/10 and i can savely say it fucked me up. when i was around 13 i was already on 4chan getting exposed to heavyr, CP, the most degenerate coomer stuff and it hardwired my brain to "enjoy" BDSM, to think in a misogynist way, to believe that women can only derive pleasure from sex if they're being hurt. it made me susceptible to being groomed and abused in relationships. not to sound insensitive, but i sometimes feel like i experienced CSA because my symptoms are so similar but i didn't, i "just" watched gang rapes aged 13. i'm still struggling with it and i feel disgusted by myself. i just wish there was someone telling me what i am doing to myself, 15 years ago there was basically no awareness about this issue. thankfully i am now in a safe relationship, i try really hard to avoid porn and i will definitely never participate in harmful sexual practices anymore. radical feminism really helped me with this. though i could never bring myself to talk about this with a therapist, i probably should. have any of you adressed this in therapy?
No. 937142
When I was around 8 years old my best friend was a little bit older than me, and she had a friend the same age as her we would hang out with occasionally. There was one day her friend was over and asked us if we knew what tits were, and then typed it in to google to show us. This was the first time I’d seen any pictures like this, and it was scary and exciting at the same time. We started looking at more things and eventually she suggested we try it so we would see things and try to act it out, and became very focused on our bodies. After that day almost every time I saw my friend it involved looking at porn.
At the time it was thrilling because it felt like this hidden thing I wasn’t supposed to know about, but I felt a lot of fear and guilt too. What we were doing felt wrong, and I felt like at any moment I would get into trouble.
Since I was afraid I wouldn’t really go on porn sites and would use Gaiaonline to meet people and roleplay, and find explicit accounts for images.
At some point my friend decided I was too young and immature to hang out with so it was just me discovering this stuff on my own.
I became very reserved and fearful. It was hard for me to be happy in my body, and I felt a deep sense of shame.
At some point I discovered new hobbies and interests and made new friends and felt safer. I worked really hard to do well in school and ended up taking high level courses. When I started high school I was taking a math course two grade levels above my grade, and ended up in the same class as the girl who originally showed me porn, and it broke me. She was outgoing, popular, a cheerleader, all things I wished I could be. It just kinda hurt seeing how someone who kickstarted a confusing and traumatizing time of my life was doing so well, while I was holding on to all this shame. As an adult I know she likely had some horrible trauma as well, and just handled it differently. I just feel like my childhood was ripped away.
It’s nice to see a thread like this, and know others have experienced similar. I’ve been through a lot of therapy but still sometimes feel that strong sense of shame, so it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this.
No. 937351
>>937142Oh lord this reminds me of what I went through at 6. This one is not a porn exposure story on my part, but I suspect that our neighbor's daughter might've been exposed to porn or maybe she was even traumatized sexually or something. Why do I think this is the case? Well, she kind of coerced me into sexual contact. She said she wanted to imitate a music video she saw or something and without knowing better I agreed. I was too scared and confused to back out of the situation. I felt filthy for at least a decade after that and developed
problematic habits like lying and getting into fights at school. I still haven't told my mom and it's been like what, 20 years? My family still thinks I was acting out because I was just a shitty child (and after me being a dumbass pathologically lying kid for almost a decade, I doubt they'd even believe me).
My porn exposure was gradual. I only became conscious of such a thing existing because the boys wouldn't shut the fuck up about it, not even in the first grade. Not only that, my best friend would say random disgusting sexual shit to me, probably because she was somehow traumatized or exposed too. At this point everything somehow began to associate with sex, just being alive felt dirty. First time I actually saw porn was when I was 10, it was at a friend's house. And the first time I watched porn for more than a minute was when I was 11. It was the culmination of my shame and I adapted a consumptive, raunchy and disrespectful attitude towards sex as a defense. I learned to "like" the idea of dealing and receiving disrespect. Getting into anime of course I ran into hentai and yaoi, which I feel like fucked my mind up even further. My first relationships in my teens were hypersexual because I thought that was normal and it was the only avenue of expression I had romantically, and it got me into so much bullshit. I was basically a porn addict by the time I was 18.
I only learned how to actually make love and be ok with myself after I made the conscious effort to distance myself from porn (I successfully quit). The first time I had sex with my husband I cried after, because I then knew I hadn't understood how vulnerable and beautiful sex could truly be. I still struggle with some trauma, bitterness and weltschmerz, but I'm ok.
No. 937451
>>937172Wtf I'm so sorry they tell that as a "funny story" to people??? That's horrible
Its so weird how some parents don't give a shit if their child sees porn or sexual shit in general. My parents used to watch porn in the fucking living room till I was like 7 or 8. I was already being groomed by a family friend but when I saw a blowjob on the living room tv when I was 6 I kept having nightmares about cannibals eating my brothers arms and shit. I was too little to comprehend what that lady was doing so my little kid brain interpreted it as some weird naked lady eating a guys wee-wee till my cousin (who was 9) told me what a bj was. Then the nightmares stopped lol.
How common is that shit? I met a few other ppl who's parents watched porn out in the open/left it out in the open any other anons had shit families like that?
No. 937968
>>937172Reading this broke my heart. Absolutely nobody should have gone what you went through. Like
>>937384 said, I really do hope you’re able to heal from this. Please stay strong.
<3This reminded me of something. My family members have been creepy to me, too.
My uncle actually got in trouble for owning teen porn once (this was VERY long ago), and I remember one time when I was a tween and my breasts were starting to grow in, he commented on how big they were getting. That made me so uncomfortable that I cried when it happened.
Another time when I was a tween, my aunt told a family member of mine that I was open about masturbating with her. She had/has a huge lying problem, so thankfully my family knew she was lying, but still.
There’s probably a lot more I’m forgetting since a lot of my family members have always been very sexual people (the polar opposite of me). Those two instances have always stuck with me, though.
No. 938132
>>937369>whats appealing about futa to you?honestly? i've always had pretty bad penis envy. I used to be really scared of sex and penetration in general, even my own fingers, so futa seemed "safer" maybe? I wanted to be the one with the power. I also like how futas are generally depicted as super horny sex beasts that can barely control their libido and cum from the lightest touch, very different from myself.
>i have no idea why scrotes like itme either. I don't understand it from a male point of view. I know everyone jokes that traps and futa are gay but I really don't know where I stand on that because I consider myself straight and I love futa lol.
>is it a bisexual thing?I've always been unsure if I'm actually bisexual. I don't find 3d people attractive at all unless I love them, and I haven't loved a girl since I was a teenager. and even back then my fantasies were of fucking her with a real dick, not a strap-on, which obviously is impossible. so I'm pretty sure I'm a straight woman and that my interest in futa is projection. I wish I were the futa, basically.
No. 938173
My brother told me about porn when I was 9 and we would watch hentai together. From like 9-12 I watched a bunch of hentai and would also ERP, bragging to friends that I was such a pervert and how I was totally more mature cause I watched adult stuff. I didn't start masturbating till I was older though. Like I wasn't ever aroused by the hentai, it was just funny and taboo I guess. When I was 12 on tumblr I got into the ddlg scene and I think that's permanently effected my kinks now. I'm ashamed with myself, but I feel like I don't know how to have sex and not involve some sort of rape/"little space"/choke me aspect. I stopped watching porn a year ago but the few times I've relapsed I cum super fast, and I feel guilty after. It makes me feel like I'm broken without porn. Like I've permanently wired my sexuality to be controlled by porn. I definitely believe I'm sexually "broken" in some way because of the early exposure, even if it's not "that bad" compared to others.
When I was 16, I was in terrible need of attention, for some reason. I guess I just had teen girl disorder. But I posted nudes on 4chan. I really didn't care about the fact they might "come back to haunt me" because everyday I thought about suicide. I ended up getting into an online relationship with this 21 year old and it was just purely me sending him nudes. I get so mad because I truly did it to myself. I have no one else to blame but myself. When you're a kid, you don't think your actions will affect your adult self, because you assume you'll "have it all together" or change by then. But your childhood habits continue into adulthood.
I guess I wonder what are the steps to healthy sex after early porn exposure. But the topic is heavily debated. Some claim CNC is a healthy coping mechanism, but that's not what goes through my head when I participate in it. Some may say porn is actually good for sexuality, but it goes against my ethics. I'd hate to go to therapy to talk about sex. I feel like I think about sex so much, talking about it would just put it on my mind more. It's not even a matter of "get off the internet", sex is in my real life. Sometimes I feel like my only value is sex.
Sorry for rant, I'll go to bed now.
No. 938260
> played runescape at age 7, had an online boyfriend who claimed to be 13.
> we had cyber sex numerous times
> began playing flash games, introduced by my brother and his friend. my brother is 3 years older than me, his friend 9 years older…
> orgasm girl, franks adventure, sex-kitten sim date, etc…
> at this point for some reason i began to lie about my age and i pretended to be 13. i e-dated another boy at this age who i never had sex with.
> the older ``friend`` introduces me to one of his pedo friends who i end up having a several month long e-dating relationship with. said friend was 33.
> i didnt have a way of sending him pictures of myself to him since it was only 2005 or so but he knew how young i was because everyone told him. my brother, the older friend, everyone knew i was dating a 33 year old man and did nothing.
> conversations were always sexual, i always felt aroused while talking to him and i was 8. some part of me knew it was wrong but he was always so persistent. i recall him telling me to take off my underwear when our computer was in the living room. i lied and said that i did. i remember he tried to convince me telepathy was real and he was trying to send me dirty thoughts telepathically… he also tried to teach me how to masturbate but ofc i could never do it since i was in the living room.
> he & i move apart somehow. i don't think we really broke up but i still had him on msn
> he used to always have photos of ``himself`` on msn. one day he had a photo of himself shirtless and i looked at him and had a really bad feeling for some reason - like i knew something was wrong. i blocked him and we never spoke ever again. i was 9 years old.
> i was still corrupted by him. playing lots of hentai flash games and looking at pornography. there was this one website i remember (down now but accessible through archive.org) it was one of the first times i saw people having sex online and i kept going back to it. i managed to recall the name of the site a month ago and saw the archived images and it looks so seedy. i wonder if it was consensual and i wonder if the women in those photos regret being in those shoots.
> i get molested irl. unrelated to the online stuff.
> i was incredibly sexual still, i had learned how to masturbate the year before, i took a liking to reading erotica online. quizilla and fanfiction lol.
> these experiences groomed me into thinking that i need a man, and i like older men. 16 year old boy? instantly hot because older = hot. older boys were my fetish.
> get groomed into a christian cult where i learn sex = big bad. i became a split person, extremely horny and sexual online/in private/chatrooms/games while hiding my eyes whenever people smacked lips in movies…
> christian cult tells me that the illuminati is very bad and symbolism is everywhere
> i begin watching this old youtuber who i had a crush because 9 years older was my sweet spot for whatever reason. turns out that he also believes in the illuminati and how bad it is and appears to be a christian. he also promotes non-satanic underground music which i begin to listen to and love.
> i begin to talk to him in youtube PM (which i can't even retrieve anymore) where i tell him how much i appreciate his videos, the steps im taking to prevent satanic influence, the music i love, etc.
> i lied about my age but eventually tell him i'm almost 14.
> he tells me that i'm really mature for my age. /eyeroll we begin talking everyday. i become obsessed with him. he is my world. i remember my heart skipping a thousand beats when i got home from school to see he had replied to my pm.
> he tells me the world is gonna end in 2012 due to the illuminati symbolism growing more and more intense. i'm scared shitless because im 14 and no one told me to think critically since i didn't even realize i was in a cult at the time.
> he says that he wants to meet me because he is in love with me and he's never met anyone as smart and as beautiful as me. he says we were made for each other. we have the same interests too outside of illuminati and music by coincidence so i feel like its true.
> we talk all the time, call on skype, etc. i frantically calculate his timezone clock when im at school so i know when he'll be awake, etc. he was my world. even writing this i can't believe i was the same person.
> he tells me he bought a ticket, we meet… he rapes me.
> i remember a bad feeling but i didn't understand it was rape because i loved him and the world was going to end so i was glad that i was able to do the right thing.
> this guy actually kills two birds with one stone and fucks another from my country.
> this turns the confusion and pain i had after the rape into anger which i channel towards the other woman…
> because of this i am even more emotionally stunted in regards to sex than i was before. i become cold and heartless - rejecting boys' advances towards me.
> i shrivel up when boys try to touch me. but … i can still watch porn and get off to it… any real non-imaginary touch causes this reaction
> i dont trust men, but when i was 18 i dated a boy (a narcissist) i thought i liked because he seemed to know what he was doing. i wanted to live for his approval
> but when he touched me i would shiver, tear up, shake. holding hands = ok, touch my neck while kissing, NO. obviously no sex.
> but he has needs so he makes me strip for him, have phone sex with him even though i was so uncomfortable, but i was groomed into thinking this was my purpose in a relationship. he pressures me in multiple ways until i finally crack and end the relationship.
> next two relationships are an improvement but no sex.
> lose consensual virginity at 21, i am somewhat healed by this point but my kinks are so degenerate and corrupt, forever tainted by my experiences as a kid/teen. even after not watching porn for a year and having vanilla sex with my boyfriend i still have these desires.
sorry if this was long, when i started writing it just kept going. ive never told anyone the full story before although the exes who had to deal with me crying if i was touched in certain areas were told some of it.
i hope to anyone reading this who struggled like i did, you will get better. you may not heal completely (as i have not) but i'm nothing like the person i was as a children. i was broken. i felt like i never would be healed. there are still scars but it's not something that bleeds into my everyday life. i'm fiercely independent now, my life no longer revolves around abusive men. in fact, i see myself as an equal in relationships, unless they give me reason to think they're below me, then i break up with them without turning back. even though this all happened to me, they're just pieces of my past which have little bearing on the present.
except for my degenerate kinks, that's the only issue i still have but it's so minor compared to how codependent i used to be.
No. 938382
>Grew up seeing lewd "comedy" movies (ugly old men with perfect half naked ladies, you know the genre), very popular and considered funny in my country
>Parents are too open about their sex life
>I start masturbating at 5, before I even knew what masturbation meant
>Get internet at some point around 8/10 years old, I look up "sex" (but not actual porn sites because I've always been horny), at the same time my teenage brother starts touching, groping, showing me his dick and stuff like that
>I roam forums for some years and in my early teens I find out about some forums where people share porn videos or gifs, I start getting off to that
>Go down the anime route, watch some hentai, then switch to yaoi and bl
>Particularly interested in shota (I know, I'm sorry, but I was a kid and I kinda self-inserted)
>Find pornhub while looking for a shota ova (you know the one)
>A few looks from time to time turn into full blown porn addiction (from 15 to now)
All this happened while being a literal virgin. I find it almost funny that I started knowing about sex and porn when I was a child but then I remained a sexually repressed ugly retard in real life. Nowdays I don't see the porn thing as a problem because I've seen and consumed so much of it that it's "normal" to me, and it has been my way to explore sexuality, which I couldn't do because I'm a retard and my parents were also extremely strict and mentally ill. With time I've come to appreciate "softer" and "healthier" depictions of love and sex in forms of drawings that don't harm anyone, and I feel like that's a bit better. All this has fucked with me though, because relationships to me are just two people agreeing to fuck or a man using a woman as a fleshlight and I have trouble seeing them as anything more.
No. 939291
>>939276NTA but I can see how a little girl could end up liking shota and considering it normal. When I was in 6th grade, I've read a manga (called something like "today in class 6A" or something) that was about a bunch of 12 year old kids. It was a slice of life comedy, however with pedo tendencies (the girls were sexualised). I remember thinking THEN that it's okay cause I'm the same age and that the comic depicts growing up, so it's natural that kind of stuff comes up. So if some kid starts watching hentai, it's not impossible for me to imagine them applying the similar logic on shota characters ("it's fine for me to crush on kids my age, so it's also fine to watch porn with them").
>but a degenerate adult drew that!I know, anon, I know. That realization was beyond my thinking when I was a tween.
No. 939304
File: 1634305340934.png (148.51 KB, 441x474, FBkwhmFXMAI9iOS.png)
>>938260Not to be a libtard, but this is why children under 13 should be off the internet/ be only kept on it in the condition of strict parental supervision. It seems that younger (lonely. understandably stupid) children love orbiting faux pedo-proof social media sites like discord, twitter etc. Additionally, parents also need to get their fat assess off it too to lead an example for their children. Lastly, they should hold their older kids accountable for what they teach/expose their younger siblings to. Not to judge your parents or anything but this definitely comes across as irresponsible parenting to me, as they could have done something to avert this trauma or help you bounce back from it. Anyways, I'm glad you learned how to be free of the shackles of codependency and proud of you for slowly re-learning how to be in a healthy relationship. ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ
(emote) No. 939310
>>939304That has nothing to do with being a "libtard". Kids really need more restrictions and supervision, but many parents are shit or clueless.
Don't use emojis though.
No. 939341
>>939310My bad, meant to say extreme conservative but lost the word
sage for typo
No. 947097
>>947050> I don't want to be a victim of hidden camera pornI have a fear of this too. I used to watch any old random clips on ph before they got stricter about content. So much of it was hidden cam stuff that seemed very genuine. I was a teen and painfully unaware of the fact that yes ph was allowing actual revenge porn on there with no attempts made to even pretend it wasn't that.
For the first time in years now I've met a guy I'm attracted to but even when fantasizing about something happening between us.. I go into panic mode about how scrotes film their encounters and share them online no matter how shitty it is to watch far away filmed scenes from a hidden cam sitting on a shelf somewhere. A quick scan of the room might not even be enough to spot it.
No. 2274494
reviving dead thread so i can get this off my chest, my early porn exposure fucked me up real bad, in a way that i feel i can only talk to other women about, and even then i still feel judged by my own peers. in a way, it's probably less pedobait-y than other experiences here, not sure if this is a good or bad thing though.
personally, i couldn't relate to the women in the porn in any other way but rage and disgust. i definitely didn't masturbate to any of this shit and it made me kind of afraid to touch myself actually. i was probably about 10 years old the first time i stumbled on porn, and it sickened me to the core. the first image is burned into my mind, a woman spreading her labia open and bending over. then it was more gonzo stuff like runny mascara deepthroat blowjobs and bdsm, which i didn't even realize was a thing before getting an eyeful of it. i couldn't relate to these women, but i understood intrinsically that this is not the life they envisioned for themselves, but they had to do it for whatever reason. that reason was of course men. men wanted to see women humiliated and punished, just because it made their pp hard. and i knew that meant i was in the same category of exploitable person just because i was a female. i didn't have the words for it then, but it was just something i understood, even at that age. maybe it was because i was already being hit on by creepy men at that point, and if you saw the faces of the men in porn, which is rare, it was almost always that same kind of predatory grin, before it turned into grimacing and grunting in the actual act. they had that same gross smile in anticipation, and even if they never got the chance from me, i knew what they were thinking. it made me hate males, including boys my age because i knew they were exposed to this shit too, except they had a very different reaction to it. i was exposed to some of the most evil types of porn too, which only fueled my anger and hatred. i wanted to vomit, and i also wanted revenge.
i hated it so much i didn't even have a morbid curiosity like some children might, even though i had a morbid curiosity in gore like most kids on the internet without supervision did. like this was something so awful to me, i tried to avoid it, and for years i did. i would still get blindsided on random websites, especially the edgier ones until i switched to better browsers that blocked porn ads. however, that didn't really matter, because most of my friends were boys. i was a weird girl with a lot of tomboy habits, so i always got along better with them until puberty brought to light the stark differences between males and females. they were getting into porn around age 12-13, and i was still trying to avoid it. i had a couple male friends try to show me porn, though i laughed it off and said i wasn't interested in that stuff. it wasn't anything too intense, just naked lady pinups or whatever. they took me as a prude or no fun or jealous i guess and dropped it. but then they would try to show me more hardcore pornography under the premises of 'look at how crazy this is, it's so funny'! and so i let them show me what it was on their computers. just straight up tentacle rape scenes. i never felt so repulsed by these boys i thought were my friends, and they thought my reaction to it was even 'funnier'. it was without exaggeration the most betrayed i felt up to that point in my life. i stopped hanging out with them, but i did stupidly return when they begged for me to come back. they never showed me that kind of shit again, but it didn't matter. the bond was already broken. we could still talk about the interests and hobbies we shared like vidya or comic books, but i could never see them the same way again. i knew they were still looking at that stuff in private, how they view us, and how they take pleasure in our displeasure, in fact. they only try to hide it to get close to you. they never did hurt me in any kind of sexual way, but it did ruin how i viewed any platonic relationship i had with males, just like porn already ruined any potential for a healthy, untainted romantic and sexual relationship with males.
this will sound dramatic, but it was like a lovecraftian moment where you're exposed to dark knowledge you're not meant to know, and everyone around you is secretly in a cult dedicated to some ancient evil.
so then i wondered if there was porn like the tentacle rape but with males as the victim. like how would they feel if it was instead a man or a boy like them (the victims in the tentacle rape hentais were usually schoolgirls) in that position. i searched it up and lo and behold it was real. i had never actually seen porn before where the focus is on a male character or person, because obviously porn is meant to cater to men, straight or gay, it doesn't matter. but then i went down a rabbit hole of depraved wonder, whether it be anime boys being violated or gay porn actors being broken in. at first i was motivated by revenge, but maybe it was just curiosity and a desire for titillation too. i was horrified by myself once i realized i actually liked this stuff, probably in the same way my male friends liked the disgusting shit they liked. but i couldn't look away either, because it was one of the few things that excited me on the cusps of puberty, and i knew forever, that my male peers got excited at the same shit but with us as the victims, and probably worse. this wouldn't stop at just boys my age either, there's no reason for me to think adult men didn't masturbate to porn, because after all, it's directed at them and not necessarily 12 yr old boys. i was just going to be surrounded by perverts for the rest of my life, so would it be so bad if i was one too?
No. 2274495
>>2274494(cont.)
it also made me believe i was asexual, because after i decided to make female friends, i would listen to them talk about sex and it was a massive wtf. i didn't realize they were as pornsick as me, just in a different way. the way they described presumably 'normal' (aka also pornsick) female sexuality seemed so foreign to me because it was all performative. they never talked about the pleasure they wanted to receive, just the pleasure they wanted to give, so i just assumed this is what normal female sexuality is, therefore i must not have it. even though i knew i could masturbate and could get sexually excited. they rarely talked about what they found sexy in men, and when they did, it was very contrived upon what was popular and acceptable in male celebrities. i could get aroused, but it was just never directed at the same kind of targets as them (ugly men) with a focus on making themselves a sexy, available hole for said ugly men.
i tried to meme myself into being a lesbian later on in my teen years and early 20s, but it was all a lie, and worst yet, i had seen lesbian porn and realized even that was made to humiliate and punish the women involved, all catered to the male gaze no matter how you put it. i wasn't attracted to women to begin with, but since i was disgusted by real men, i thought i could maintain a relationship and grit my teeth through the sex, but the vomit-inducing lesbian porn that men make for themselves spoilt my ability to enjoy that too.
my sexuality, whatever it is, was broken and invisible. i think i am a bisexual, but i am not sure. i am not sexually attracted to women, so probably not actually bisexual in reality, but am i just repelled by my own exposure to scrote-y depictions of what female sexuality? and unfortunately i am still most stimulated by men (maybe not real men, but men in pornography), and most specifically, men suffering in sexually brutalized situations. so i think i am probably straight, but straight sex is somewhat horrifying to me even though, despite all that, i am somehow in a straight ltr now.
it feels good and i make sure i am never disrespected and never have been. in fact, i would say it's pretty healthy and extremely vanilla, in a good way. you would never know the internal struggle. but i am haunted by the images i have seen, and i know my male partners have probably seen similar things. i have this neurotic fixation where i can't help but feel a little disgusted in myself afterwards because i think 'i helped a man, the most awful kind of creature, get off using my body', even though i have never had gross sex and i love my partner. i can't help but subconsciously view men as evil, depraved monsters because of my porn exposure and the knowledge that most men have at least watched it at some point in their life, if even just for a short period of time or irregularly. i know my current partner doesn't use porn now, but he has in the past for a brief period before our relationship, and that knowledge sickens me when i think about it. maybe this is a blessing in disguise, but i think it prevents me from fully loving him with the blissful ignorance normie women can love their male partners. i don't mind that he has had previous partners or anything, but the porn gets me because i know how bad it can really get.
i know because when i masturbate, i still only fantasize about the most depraved gay rape porn and similar scenes. i don't use porn anymore and haven't in a long time, but it's still what my mind goes to when i'm trying to get off. i feel like a hypocrite, but i know it couldn't possibly be the same because women don't actually victimize men the same way they do us. their sick fantasies do come true sometimes, and most of them will never care about the very real
victims. porn is already built on the back of sex trafficking, and they still use it and a lot of the time only stop for selfish reasons (like their dick no longer working). i know i couldn't do anything as extreme as what porn compels men to do and i stopped using because still all feeds into the same exploitative system, but i guess i still feel the guilt, because the porn i liked is really dehumanizing and has given me a really awful fetish, and of course i'm a female, so yeah, i'm socialized by society to feel shame and guilt and be pathologically sympathetic in the first place.
No. 2274496
>>2274495(cont.)
extremely long ik and i'm reviving an old ass thread too, but i just have to vent somewhere and don't feel like making a new one.
men can talk about their struggles with porn addiction and exposure without the same stigma, but it feels like women still can't. is it me or does it seem that if your porn exposure fucked you up in a way where you don't sexualize being the
victim as a female, you're treated like unsalvageable garbage? the worst men almost think it's sexy if you have an abuse fetish because of porn exposure, like a broken woman who will do anything a man sexually desires, but if your reaction is anything but that, men think you're satan even if they have similar struggles, and sometimes even other women judge you. i had an experience recently where a friend through this back at me even though we were confided in each other, and it remind me of when i took a chance in a private support and vent chatroom for this topic a handful of years ago. it was mixed sex which i already knew was a retarded idea, but i thought it would be inappropriate to talk about it with my friends or even with a professional because i haven't even mentioned all of it (and won't). of course it was mostly men, and some women. the men spanned the spectrum when it came to what extremes their porn addictions led them too, and they often had to be moderated in how explicit their confessions could be. the women were almost always recovering from being subs in bdsm relationships or hypersexuality and how porn played a role in that (along with a lot of childhood abuse as well). they were generally less moderated, but i think that's because if they were actually coming there in good faith they never delved into details, and on the more cynical side, they might have been gross scrotes roleplaying but they didn't want to accidentally alienate one of the few brave women talking about their experiences. i think i might have been one of the only women who were open about expressing a fetish where instead it was men being sexually brutalized or even the just the object of desire, and everyone acted like i was a lurking monster and how i HAD to go to a psychiatrist to make sure i was 'fixed', even though it was just a mirror of what a lot of men said their own problems were. somehow it was more monstrous and beyond the scope of their safe space. i have no idea what to think of that experience now, like if it was just a trap to get vulnerable women in there to further prey on them or what. there were men who had humiliation fetishes, and i am kind of surprised none of them contacted me in private if it was just a setup to get a bunch of sick people in one space to meet up. i wouldn't want that anyways, but it was a terribly thought out plan if it really was a sincere effort. maybe it was just a place for people to languish in their misery. i just wonder why i was so reviled when i don't think it was beyond what the worst men there were guilty of masturbating to.
idk, maybe i am just wondering if any other anons feel there's a lot of hypocrisy even when it comes to talking about how the porn epidemic might uniquely affect us as well. for me, it sure as hell wasn't the fantasy i think a lot straight men get off to in secret when it comes to female porn usage. i never cared for fujoshit because it was too humanizing and romantic for my tastes, but i hate when scrotes pretend fujoshit is even remotely on the same level as the top categories on any mainstream porn site. Both might be bad, but one is straight up evil and exploits real human beings in a way that is almost indistinguishable from torture.
No. 2274535
>>2274496I relate a lot to your vent, thank you nonna. I'm somewhat the same as you, except it wasn't pornography which gave me the initial trauma but from morbid teenage fascination, starting to read true crime. I remember that what the moment I discovered that men are willing to torture and kill us so they can get off. Almost every single story was the same, with only the amount of horrible details changing: man rapes, hurts and kills woman or girl. That realization changed my worldview forever and I remember looking out the window and realising this is what mothers try to keep their daughters safe from the moment they are born. This caused me to begin hating men violently and pushed me into violent most times fictional gay porn, I was a fujo but it wasn't the romantic aspect that interested me but seeing men suffer and be hurt by other, stronger men. This really fucked up my sexuality for years, though I've mellowed out a lot. Like you in my mid 20s I am now in a ltr but unlike you I am completely asexual and don't let my moid (who claims to hate pornography) touch me in any way that isn't platonic. When we started dating we tried to experiment but the way that he had a absolutely 0 empathy for me, trying to touch me only so that he could get off, his fish-like eyes hovering above me while I violently dissociated traumatized me violently for some reason. My therapist says I have all the signs of someone who was sexually abused but I wasn't, they all manifested from being subject to a BPD schizo stepfather who threatened my life when I was a child and realising the depths of male violence. Even though he never touched me I try to give myself a break from being so completely traumatized by men because of what happened to me and try to enjoy life by focusing on healing and hoping that fixing other stuff will fix my sexuality maybe. But I can never un-experience male violence.
>is it me or does it seem that if your porn exposure fucked you up in a way where you don't sexualize being the victim as a female, you're treated like unsalvageable garbage? the worst men almost think it's sexy if you have an abuse fetish because of porn exposure, like a broken woman who will do anything a man sexually desires, but if your reaction is anything but that, men think you're satan even if they have similar struggles, and sometimes even other women judge you.Absolutely. Thank you for putting it into words like that. Society at large has no respect for sexually traumatized women that express it in ways that aren't being an avaliable fuck sleeve for men and it makes me ill. I gave up on explaining my sexual trauma and only explain it to my Nigel (who thankfully has never tried to argue with me on it) and my therapist. Though by the people I knew when I was a hardcore fujoshi, there are a lot of women are very addicted to violent gay rape fictional porn while being celibate IRL, so maybe all it takes is time.
No. 2274571
>>929343When I was a kid, I really loved video games, but my parents would refuse to buy them for me because I was a girl, so I would watch letsplays online instead. I liked the rpg maker horror games since they were big at that time, and I stumbled on a letsplay for mogeko castle and got a crush on moge-ko for some reason, and would fantasize about her kidnapping and raping me. I also really loved tf2 letsplays, and one day I saw one where the man was making jokes about tentacle hentai, so I looked that up to see what it was and immediately saw an animation of a woman being raped by tentacles and then giving birth, it was insane. From then on,(I think this was when I was 11) I had a tentacle fetish. It was also around this time that I learned what lgbt people were and decided that I wanted to be lesbian, since I was terrified of the concept of pregnancy(still am). I decided to try and pavlov myself into being gay by going online and masturbating to lesbian hentai. TBH though I'm not sure if that's because I used to be actually straight and I am faking my lesbianism or because I was actually attracted to women already and didn't want to admit that was why I was looking at yuri hentai. But anyways I became a massive himejoshi and TBH I kind of still am. I remember as a kid I would actually tell my friends about all of the yuri manga and visual novel letsplays I would read and watch. I assumed that I was straight though and would tell people that I was. Around 14-15 I started being suddenly a lot more obsessed with the other girls in my class(previously I almost exclusively hung out with boys). This was kind of good for me because I was finally making female friends for once, but I was also way-too touchy-feely with them, I think because of the yuri manga, which made some of them uncomfortable. I had this one friend I thought that I had a crush on and confessed to, although now that I'm an adult I think I might've been wrong and it might've been the yuri manga making me think I was in love when I was not. I really, really, wanted to reenact the yuri manga stuff for some reason. She proceeded to out me to the whole school and people started mocking and teasing me for being lesbian, I lost a few friends. I also remember shortly after that one of my other female friends would do weird stuff to me on the bus sometimes, mainly to turn her boyfriend on, stuff like pushing me down, putting her face really close to mine like we were going to kiss, etc. I'm not really mad at her though because I think she was kind of porn addicted too, I remember she would brag to people all the time about how she was having all this sex with men, and even talked about getting an engagement ring(I lived in Kentucky, and at that time child marriage was legal as long as you were older then 13, though very uncommon). Anyways I continued to read yuri manga and as I did so my tastes got very degenerate, I started reading very violent, rapey stuff(yes that sort of yuri exists) and couldn't really enjoy normal things anymore. I tried to date men twice, once in middle school because he confessed in front of my whole class and I was too embarassed to say no, we never did anything together except trick or treating and video games, once in high school so my friends would stop mocking me for being a virgin, except when he actually tried to bring up the idea of sex I immediately freaked out and broke up with him. Also kissing him felt horrible, it was gross and scary, like every cell in my body was saying "no" and there was a slug in my mouth. Not pleasureable at all. He was actually a really nice guy himself though, very polite, always asked before doing anything, would give me lots of thoughtful gifts and stuff, but I just didn't like him that way. Hope he's doing ok now lol. Anyways now I'm 22 and still a virgin because the concept of sex with with a man terrifies me for some reason. I can't even get other women to stay friends with me for some reason all my friends are male again just like when I was a kid. I think that yuri manga has fucked up the way I view other women, I keep viewing them all as like, potential romantic partners even when they're straight, but recently I've been trying to stop doing that. At this point I don't even know if I want a girlfriend at all, because dating a girl will probably never be as fun as yuri manga makes it look.
No. 2274585
>>2274535yeah, it's a common trend i notice with women who are asexual but like fujoshit and other gay porn, it's almost always a response to the structure of dominance, with men at the top ofc, that moids turned sexuality into. for me it was definitely motivated at least initially by a desire for 'revenge', but when i think about it, it's probably hard not to see sexuality in terms of domination since moids define it this way and we see it everywhere. we're socially conditioned to see sex as dominated and dominator, we just don't want to be dominated ourselves, so we're outsiders looking inside this fucked up male-defined view of sex, not being able to participate in sexuality but still wanting access to it. it's displaces you from your own body because you never want to be in that position personally. i completely understand why it's so difficult to have any sexual relations with your nigel, and ik unfortunately, most moids are likewise vacant-minded and id-driven.
i'm lucky, because i do have a very empathetic nigel who places all of his sexual worth in his ability to perform for my pleasure, but how can i know for sure he won't flip like a switch? some might think i am being paranoid, but there's so many stories of women who thought their boyfriends or husbands were one of the good ones, that they picked right, thank goodness, and then their personal moid's scrote neurons activate because they have no self control when it comes to any kind of stimuli. i don't believe i am so special this can't possibly happen to me. it almost feels like gaslighting when others tell me 'you're just being paranoid'. idk. maybe i am. but i think i am also lucky in the sense i at least had a decent father, and his career placed him closest to the worst kinds of scrotes on a regular basis. he raised me to be extremely cautious of males no matter who they are, even other males in his own career, and if he says i should exercise any interaction with a male with the utmost discretion, i probably should.
i also use to consume a lot of true crime when i was younger, especially when i had an interest in gore. morbid fascination mostly, like i HAD to know the true depth of how dangerous the world could be if i wasn't careful enough. now that i'm older, i can't tolerate either. true crime is more palatable of course, but i have a hard time listening or watching anything about serial killers or family annihilators now, especially if it's a moid talking about it. i don't want to hear anything about the lurid details of the poor
victims anymore, but when i was younger, i felt i needed to. now it's too much for me, and i tend to find there's something distasteful about a lot of true crime media depending on the presentation or the presenter. it kind of reminds when i was listening to some youtuber talking about ted bundy and then dismissing his claim that porn had anything to do with his murder fantasies and crimes ('he's just trying to remove the responsibility from his actions'), and it annoyed the piss out of me because of course porn didn't turn him into a serial killer or nor does it excuse him, but there's no doubt it made it worse and we're seeing how porn further exacerbates the latent psychopathy in 'normal' moids now.
i think it's also that i had a hybristophile friend in my teen years. i didn't realize it at the time because i thought we were both just interested in the topic for similar reasons, but now i know she has a sexual fascination with these figures, especially serial killers. it disturbed me deeply when i figure it out and i don't want to be associated with that kind of 'entertainment' at all now. kind of fucked up to even call it entertainment too.
i hope you and your nigel can work around these issues, and if not, finding peace either alone or with one who can spare more sympathy. i don't want to give false hope either, because i have no idea how i stumbled upon it either and it seems to be in short supply. it's horrible that you had to endure your father's violent insanity, but i guess a fucked up little silver lining is that it awakened in you the natural instincts of fear that society tries to condition women out of having. except not really ig because it's not just porn-related trauma either sadly. if a woman has any kind of trauma that makes her react in a way that isn't easily exploited to make a man's pp hard or is otherwise inconvenient, it's treated like you're not recovering fast enough or doing enough 'work' to heal. ik that none of this is very helpful, but i'm glad you survived long enough to reach a point where you can progress from the trauma at least.
No. 2274592
>>2274547like those other anons i relate to this post kinda
the first time i saw porn was when i was around 10 or 11 but i had always been an extremely sexual child and i had an obsession with masturbation from age 5 or 6 onward and would become ridiculously attached to any boy who showed me the smallest amount of positive attention
i found the attached video on youtube around age 10 and the ending to it where the guy is going "ouch ow ow ow ouch!" when she forces the apple juice in his face always felt weirdly sexual to me and i would watch it over and over feeling weirdly excited and anxious at the same time, not sure why it affected me that way but i kinda liked it
when i actually discovered porn i was so fascinated and i would spend hours watching it, then i fell down some weird hentai rabbit hole and desensitized myself to a lot of shit, even some rancid stuff like lolicon. i used to think i was some weird pedo lolicon until i realized i was actually projecting onto the loli and i just wanted to be a little girl again, free of the knowledge of what porn and sexualization has done to me. i can't stop obsessing over the idea of being a child again and i'm honestly kinda sick of repressing myself for the sake of appearing put together to the people around me, i'm one step away from putting together one of those sanrio vn webcore bitch type of bedrooms in hopes it'll help sate my desire to regress and help me move on. i'm like 26 now and it feels so cringe but i felt so cringe at 22 and like my life was over and i look back at my old self and feel like i was a dramatic retard wasting my youth, so maybe my 30 year old self will feel the same about me, people also mistake me for being like 7-8 years younger than i actually am so maybe i won't actually look that weird
No. 2274601
>>2274592samefag sorry but i also started weirdly placing my sexual worth on my age. i got into visual novels around age 19 and started browsing 4chan's /vg/ thread dedicated to visual novels and i saw a lot of people saying shit like "anything above 16 is a hag!" and i was still too retarded to understand that these were literal fucking pedophiles and not just the general consensus of the population. growing up on tumblr too where people would criminalize your every action after the age of 18 just made me really self conscious about growing older and i really started to idolize lolis and see them as perfect serene beings i needed to become if i wanted to have value to anyone. i even developed anorexia trying to make sure i looked as little as possible. it genuinely did not register to me that my entire perception of self was being warped by literal pedophiles because i was so isolated, covid lockdown was literally just my normal
on top of this, august 2023 i experienced an extremely traumatic event where all of my friends were spreading around my private vents as proof i'm a dangerous psychopath who can't be trusted and after that i couldn't get off to anything that wasn't self harm porn or porn where someone is being degraded into being less than human. honestly i can't even actually get off to normal porn in the first place, it has to be either solo masturbation porn or someone having sex with an object or something and it makes me wonder how much my lack of self worth has leaked into my psyche because sometimes i can't even think of myself doing something as basic as eating or enjoying a hobby without feeling disgusting.
it hurts knowing most people, even other neet weebs would view me as degenerate filth but i didn't ask to be this way and sometimes i feel like suicide is the only escape, but my husband understands me at least and i often feel like i just shouldn't involve myself with anyone except for him, which i know is an unhealthy thought but everyone else is so tiring and makes me feel like garbage.
No. 2274619
>>2274601Unfortunately being brainwashed by paedophile media happened to me in the early 00s too, I followed the same pattern with anorexia. I just wanted to say I'm in my mid thirties and it gets better eventually even though it took until my 30s, decentering any type of similar media and such men helped.
Good luck
No. 2274661
>>2274547My dad would beat me up everytime he caught me prone masturbating. if that counts as "sexual abuse" due to it being
abusive behaviour in a sexual situation then I guess your hypothesis tracks. He was gay though - which I guess makes the situation even stranger, because I've pretty much have been treated as a clone of him my whole life.
No. 2274748
I don't want to have 4 different replies of text so I'll cut it up from paragraph form.
>9 or 10
>Got into anime from staying up late watching toonami, was scared of sleeping in the dark
>Watched anime with yuri undertones/yuri included (was discovering that I liked girls)
>One was this one anime involving girls who are friends with the student council
>Creator is a woman but massive loli/siscon, was pretty questionable at times
>Hit puberty quite early (stress of abusive household environment)
>Stumble upon hentai of it
>Saw nothing wrong because I had no idea what a loli was
>Got into vocaloid, alot of songs I liked had weird elements to them I didn't understand
>Saw memes of that one OVA
>Decided to watch all three
I think my dad was acting creepy towards me at the time as I recently overheard my mom talking to my grandmother about this time he told me to sit on his lap and was acting weird, which I remember, but what I did not remember was that when I got up he was hard and she had seen it but done nothing. There were quite a few times he just generally acted creepy towards me as I further hit puberty and she had brushed it off in denial. I worry a lot about if I had been molested as a kid as I slept in the same bed as him when I was little and hated people touching me, but I don't really like thinking about how that may have impacted the things I got into.
>Middle school
>Got into yaoi, became a furry from animation memes (Was obsessed with ACNL and saw an animal crossing one)
>ATT yaoi often had rapey/age gap elements
>Animation memes were and always have been very degenerate
>Befriended other mentally ill kids in middle school who introduce me to strange anime and tumblr gender/sexuality concepts
>Began to question my gender identity
>Wanted to become male to be like the uke in yaoi I read and watched
>Was further exasperated when furry aspect introduced me to femboy porn
>Got into bdsm/ddlg aspects from pinterest
>Freshman year
>Got back into lolisho, more interested in regular gay/solo male porn than femboys
>Due to my age, OCD + anti vs proship thing, this came with a sense of shame & fear of prison
>Would often be mentally shaming people on CNCtwt and acting anti while also being into lacryboy and this one horrorporn VN
>Discovered 4chan at 15
>Relied on it for social interaction after switching schools, on there 24/7
>Nothing horrible happened but think it was the final nail in the coffin relating to my loss of (online) innocence, also developed a fear of aging
No. 2274759
File: 1732462075266.jpg (35.39 KB, 563x389, 1663242869822.jpg)
I think having older sisters who showed me weird, violent, oftimes sexual shit may have screwed me up a little. I remember being very young and already touching myself/masturbating. Like 5/6 years old, maybe a little younger when it came to touching myself though I think that's normal. I also remember being really aroused by like, dungeons/chains/whips/torture. I don't know why. I still am aroused from that stuff but I fantasize about male victims because I think that's healthier (it's clearly fantasy) than internalizing it. Though when I was into this stuff at the youngest I fantasized about men and women being tortured in a dungeon, then myself being tortured (low self esteem and depression at a young age most likely) now just males.
I don't feel guilty about it, I think I'm healthy just fantasizing about males sometimes. It also seems to be a 'normal' experience going by this thread. I think it's the prevalence of porn/casual sex in movies that fucks kids up at a young age. Sex in movies registers as violence, now I can recollect seeing sex on T.V by accident, and even now it still registers as violence to me. This extreme prevalence of sex, especially dramatic acted sex, was not something our ancestors experienced. It negatively fucks with everyone.
No. 2274793
As a child, at age 10 or 11 years old I was being raised by my grandma after my BPD mother had a fit and dumped me with her to move to the other side of the world (something she would periodically do all throughout my life so that I moved schools 24 times in my lifetime). My grandmother would not really raise me as much as neglect me, barely acknowledging me other than letting me watch television after school. I would watch and re-watch literally everything that was on TV for hours and hours every day, and I began watching Law & Order Special Victims Unit. It was my favourite show because it was rated 18, it was extremely scary and "wrong", and I liked it better than regular Law & Order because the crimes were sexual and often involved children, and thus more horrifying to me. I remember vividly watching an episode about a pedophile who would flash-kidnap little girls and rape them right there in the middle of the street, and take pictures of their faces under him as he did. While they were hunting for this guy, they found another pervert who put cameras inside the toilet bowls in a public bathroom whose fetish was cataloguing the colour of ther piss. That episode was the scariest thing I had ever seen in my life and it gave me actual nightmares. From that point on I would watch SVU every single day, and the more degenerate the episode the more it would scare me, and the fact that all the crimes were sexual they would also titillate me and I would "enjoy" it.
I think this taught me to feel sexually aroused by my own fear and disgust. To this day, whenever I read about some awful stuff which chills me to my core, it also makes me slightly horny which makes me feel disgusting. Because of this I developed taboo fetishes at age 13 like incest or older men molesting kids, where I self-inserted into the child being molested as well. It's all incredibly upsetting to me and as an adult my sexuality is completed broken.
No. 2274806
File: 1732463838024.jpg (12.55 KB, 480x360, yACBuU1.jpg)
When I was in HS, older students (I was 14 at the time) knew I was into manga/anime, and stupid me did a "manga/anime club" to speak about… Manga/anime. Instead I got students showing me hentai art or hentai comics in a "gotcha" way.
And of course I couldn't say nothing to the teachers because the repercussions were worse.
I wish nothing but "burn in hell" to them.
No. 2274833
File: 1732465165531.jpg (101.35 KB, 1296x1080, 1000029389.jpg)
This is gonna sound really stupid in comparison to full-on pornography, but I believe edgy, uber-sexual anime like Mirai Nikki damaged my sexuality and contributed to my pre-existing sexual trauma. If you've seen it, you can probably guess which part fucked with me the most. Even though I carried on watching it, I felt physically sick after that episode and couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks because it disturbed me so much. That's just one example, but I watched a
lot of edgy shit between the ages of 7 and 14 so it wasn't an isolated incident. My family was very lenient about my TV and internet access so I'd watch shows like SVU too. I cycle between being absolutely repulsed by sex (or any physical contact at all, really) and having weird, unhealthy fetishes on an unpredictable basis and I don't remember a time where I was ever
not terrified of sex. At the time, I'm pretty sure I was seeking out material with my trauma in it for…idk, catharsis? A weird sense of comfort? Either way it had the opposite effect and didn't help.
>>2274789Kek, good taste. Unironically I'm glad I took the fujo pill in my teens because that was the first time I ever learned to do what you described. It could have been a lot worse. I hope those girls with older boyfriends are doing alright now.
No. 2274839
>>929343I wasnt exposed to porn until around 14-15 when I googled hermaphrodites out of curiosity.
I was so freaked out by the videos that it made me homophobic for a while.
However, I had sex at 13-14ish (so, before seeing any sort of porn) and the boy never saw anything either, so it was normal, like how rural kids don't know about sex then find out afterwards that what they did was the scary evil thing all the old people warn you against.
Im only 27, so I'm sure older anons will relate better, but most of the guys I dated after that had thenselves all seen porn and the experience was completely different and traumatising for me as a teen girl, compared to those who havent built up those expectations of the experience to be a performance by her for him, rather than a mutual act.
Not really a proper post but I wanted to talk about the effect it has on girls when they haven't seen it, but date boys who have. I don't want to tell my future daughter she can never date boys (praying for a based lesbian child) but I wonder how to eventually address these topics with her, and my much younger sister, who is a clearly confused hetero who hates boys for how the ones in her generation treat girls. It really is getting worse by the generation.
>I worry. No. 2274888
File: 1732468366518.jpg (35.32 KB, 735x555, 1000003460.jpg)
i don't know if i mentally blocked it out or if i actively avoided looking at it, but i don't remember seeing 3D porn until i was like 16. i saw hentai when i was like 8 though and it basically shaped my brain. seeing it in 2D made it feel unreal and i didn't realize what sex even actually was until later, but i still seeked out hentai actively. i started going on 4chan at like 11 and i still somehow didn't realize what normal sex was but i was seeking out the worst, most violent 2D shit imaginable. i feel like a retard
No. 2276422
File: 1732565717068.jpg (51.22 KB, 874x192, m98y.jpg)
It could be worse. You could be a moid addicted to porn.
No. 2276508
>>929343My dad warned me to avoid pornography on the Internet at a young age (like 8-9). I asked my dad what pornography was. He said: "it depicts naked people having sex, and it is very graphic and very perverted". I did not know what most of those words meant when he said that to me, but they sent a horrible chill down my spine.
I had a huge phobia of porn from that time and never wanted to see it. I would basically have a panic attack even if merely exposed to a picture of a smiling woman with exposed breasts (someone put that on their Neopets profile… I was so shocked I shut off my screen and then powered off the computer). I was also the only kid I knew with unsupervised Internet access so other girls would come to my house and try to pull shit up on my computer and I'd freak out.
The descriptions of heterosexuality I encountered online gave me the impression that sex was something done by men to women out of pure cruelty or perversity. I didn't even know that it was a necessary part of reproduction when I first encountered discussions of sex online.
However, I was exposed to a lot of weird autistic fetish shit on art websites and YouTube from about 9 years old, and it struck some kind of chord in my own autistic brain. I was in complete denial about having any kind of sexuality or sexual response, however, and would only "indirectly" look for this fetish stuff by searching innocuous things which I knew were likely to lead to me encountering this content. The fetish stuff was not explicitly sexual but I intuited that it was sexual in nature. I had intense arousal and avoidance responses to it. I can remember having strange fixations on certain things before I encountered fetish content online, so I don't think the Internet gave me the kinks so much as it activated them. Later I was in online spaces where I could have pursued the opportunity to explore kinks with other people through RP, but I was too shy and guarded to do this.
Eventually I got desensitized to drawn/hentai porn, but found little of it arousing. Even when I found stuff I liked, I was still too ashamed to look specific things up with the intention of sexually arousing myself. I always found live-action porn somewhat disturbing and never wanted to see it. If I look at it, it is always with sound off, and it doesn't hold my interest. Most of the time when I look(ed) up pornography it is/was out of boredom and morbid curiosity. Only in my 20s did I acknowledge to myself that I had certain kinks and directly seek out relevant content. Most of the content is geared toward autistic males.
I don't know how this affected me. As an adult I have a very low libido, even though I can remember a time when I had intense sexual responses to things that made me nervous and ashamed. I used to think I was gay because I mostly sought out content focussed on women, but then as a teenager I experienced intense attraction to a man and I never felt the same thing toward any real life woman. Now I don't experience much attraction at all. I don't spend much time thinking about fetish stuff. I used to fantasize about sex but it always involved characters I made up in my head, never myself. I know I have the capacity for sexuality but it feels like it never developed into anything. I've never wanted to share my "kinks" with another person, I prefer to keep them to myself and usually have a wave of interest every couple months before I forget about them again. I have a male partner, I've told him a bit about my internal sexual life, but there isn't much I can share with him. I've never truly shared sexuality with another human being and it makes me very sad.
No. 2277259
File: 1732619628634.jpeg (16.36 KB, 275x244, manifesto-chan.jpeg)
Yes, early exposure happened. I don't pity myself anymore because I really am a different person now and I don't want to share because it could be fodder for some moid lurkers and everything has already been said so there.
I'll give some hopefuel, I helped myself by journalling every day- every waking hour when I could and didn't stop writing- in turn I reflected on everything and found that I just needed an outlet for absolutely everything and that was it.
I didn't judge myself it ranged from serious spiritual realizations, bizarro drawings, poking holes in the pages to my diet.
I also stopped taking meds and going to therapy I felt so good. It looked like a strange whirlwind of slop, a 500 page a4 book that got filled in within two months. I loved journalling infact I'm going to go journal now. I also learnt to hate all men and that manifesto-chan was right #come back#.
>>2277120I lean more on retard
lesbian porn ain't for lesbians, they're for men. You probably get off of on a theoretical third-party MAN looking at you and enjoying that you fulfill HIS fantasy instead of being in-the-moment with the lady in question anyways.
No. 2277453
File: 1732635959366.jpg (52.2 KB, 736x802, ceadaca14726ae73c9bd98cafd1e79…)
I was exposed to it at an early age but it was through me being too smart with the internet when I was young. I also watched/played a lot of explicit games when I was very young and unfortunately I found some pretty fucked up games somehow, there was one Japanese game about fondling women on the trains. I have no idea why I played these games because I look back on myself and I am disgusted. I wish I never had access to the internet until I was like 16 or 18. It hasn't done anything good for me and just made me a coombrained degenerate who is fearful of real sexual relations with people in real life even though I have prior experience with it.
I'm trying to sort of bridge the gap of healing by writing fanfiction instead, and none of it contains degenerate or weird stuff because it turns out that, when I distance myself and saw porn for what it really was, I actually had normal sexual fantasies. That's what I write about now, and the women characters are always in control in these stories. I acknowledge that it's probably not the best way to heal as I'm still relying on escapism but it's better than nothing. Maybe one day I will enjoy being touched and get properly in tune with who I really am as a person, and all those days of being young and finding fucked up misogynistic bs on the internet will be just a distant memory. For all the nonnas here, I wish you the best. No-one really talks about how hard it is for women who grew up with porn and how it affects us, but I am listening to you and praying for you.
No. 2277561
File: 1732642069282.jpeg (26.58 KB, 527x140, IMG_4831.jpeg)
Coming to accept that I’ll never totally get rid of the monkey brain response to violence that got conditioned into my undeveloped brain. But I’m having success conditioning myself to enjoy healthy loving sexuality too. The hardest part is unlearning to “perform” sexually.
No. 2280923
File: 1732838467238.png (775.93 KB, 1044x968, 1000029353.png)
When I remember the things I used to get off to as a stupid traumatized kid/teenager it makes me want to vomit. Nothing illegal ofc, just…incredibly scrotebrained, I guess? Now it just disgusts me.
No. 2282272
File: 1732915018343.jpg (23.66 KB, 337x270, m12e4oja72l41.jpg)
>>929343>Were you exposed to online pornography or hentai from a young age? My online activity was always completely unrestricted/unmonitored growing up, so yes. I was bound to eventually.
>How did it affect you?I didn't even know what it was at first, to be honest. I started with shitty hentai games on Newgrounds and since I had no idea what semen or dicks where I thought it was just some weird alien appendage shooting some alien substance. Like the aliens pissing from their fingers in Scary Movie 3.
No. 2290737
Posting this here because it relates to early porn exposure. I really don't understand my sexuality, and it's ruining my life. I remember the first time I ever had any sexual arousal, it was to a photo of a woman with her tits out (it was an ad that popped up on my home computer). I had never reacted like that to a woman naked or in a bikini, but I couldn't stop looking at it. I became obsessed and literally kept looking up photos of woman dressed promiscuously (not just woman who were naked, but posing in a seductive setting). I know this makes it seem like I'm just a lesbian, but I never had these feelings towards any women in real life. It was strictly digital. I had extreme romantic attraction to men and still do. I obsessed over boys my whole life, and still do. With that being said, I don't get turned on looking at them and rarely do when I fantasize about sex. I tried to have sex with two different men that I really liked and I could not get turned on at ALL. I enjoy the concept of sex , so why the fuck isn't my body complying. I experimented with a girl and felt NOTHING. I had no interest even whereas with guys I enjoyed the experience despite not being aroused. From the moment I saw that photo, I developed a HARDCORE addiction to porn. It wasn't even sex a lot of the time, it was just a woman masturbating with giant tits or something. I developed an addiction to masturbating and only thought about women. Sometimes I would try to fix my fucked up brain and use the arousal I felt towards thinking or looking at women online and immediately start thinking about heterosexual sex, but the arousal would go away. I feel like porn did this to me. It's like my brain gets turned out for the sheer fact that I shouldn't be turned on, if that makes sense. I do have OCD and with that comes groinal responses to things I find to be fucked up (not that homosexuality is fucked up, but just out of the norm at the time I developed an addiction to porn) so I think my brain is susceptible. Anyway, this is ruining my life tremendously and my love life is in ruins. I keep trying to find ways to turn myself on or at the very least become wet so that I can fake it and possibly train myself to be sexually aroused, but to no avail. I sound like a closeted lesbian but I swear I'm not, I'm just abnormal.
No. 2290746
>>2290737>I keep trying to… fake it and possibly train myself to be sexually arousedYou're going to make yourself self repulsed and probably give yourself vaginismus, never have sex when you don't physically want to just because you think you should for any reason
I don't know how to solve your problem but doing that will just create more problems. Maybe just enjoy digital porn and don't have sex, that doesn't sound bad imo
No. 2290798
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>Little girl
>Small handful of times porn popup ads showed up when I was playing on the computer
>I would freak out and almost cry
>Get older and started to enter puberty
>Started roleplaying, and it eventually got sexual
I don't think this part is THAT weird, especially considering the people I was roleplaying with were a year or two older than me (we've reconnected and talked more, I've seen what they look like, etc, they were just horny girls too kek).
>Except some of the other roleplayers rped stuff like incest and hentai type shit
>Find out more about hentai, things like shota and loli and rape are normal
>Think since no one else finds it weird, it's okay since it's just anime
>15, get in LDR with FTM who's obsessed with shotas, I get into it too especially because it's easy to project if they're around my age
>Get older, still like shota and incest and weird hentai shit
>Anti vs proship stuff starts to happen and I realize how fucked what I was into is
>Develop terrible complex about it, to this day think I must be at least partially evil somewhere in my soul.
Sure in a way I feel groomed because there were adults making and sharing this content with me and even the one time an adult ERP'ed with me, but I'm old enough to know better. I'm an adult. I don't like kids irl like that and I don't think of shota as kids, but idk how to erase this part of me. Every time I see anti vs proship bs I worry they're right and I'm actually a pedophile and the adults and kids that showed me it fucked me up for the rest of my life.
