/ot/ - off-topic

Love the idea of this thread!

Personally I've started to work on self-confidence & stuff, I also want to do fitness every day but I can't seem to stick to it for now.

I'm the anon that suggested a thread like this, thank you for making it! I still have lots of things to work with, but so far, this has worked out for me
>making friends
Sharing the same environment with people similar to my age and context (it's easier relating to people similar to you), for example, taking language classes. Geting myself out there, making myself visible by being active and present. Starting conversations (and following them) and paying attention to them and their reactions. As long as you look decent, are respectful and smile, you'll be more than okay.
>changing personality for better
Changing the unhealthy habits for better ones, for example: Instead of grabbing the phone as soon as I wake up, I lift the curtains and get out of my bed. I strongly recommend reading about how habits work.
I'm trying to not be online so often (probably the best thing I could do for myself) and inmerse myself in things like cooking, reading, going for a walk or being with my family and friends. My direct reality is rather nice, thankfully, so I'm trying to be present in the real world more and more.
On another note, being an empathetic, positive and thoughtful person, has been great for my relationships. I used to be someone who felt absolute everything was a burden, and was extremely negative about it all. But now I'm, more often than not, the opposite and can enjoy all the small and big things of life.
Being in nature also makes me feel very at ease and happy.
>plans for improving your life
I really want to lose some fat that I've carried since puberty and made me extremely insecure and anxious of people seeing my body, resulting in me declining initiations to do fun things and meet new people, so I'll start working out, I don't care about a goal weight or an ideal shape, I just want to feel strong and confident. I need to upgrade my nutrition, I can get very lazy and I end up not eating balanced. I also want to decrease even more my online (wasted) time. I also really want to start learning new things, such as playing an instrument and dance, but for that I'll have to develop discipline, also needed to reach my academic goals.
All in all, I'm trying to get over all my self-destructive behaviours.
Good luck to anyone reading this!

>>634232
Y'know, reading this was pretty motivating,I'm glad I stumbled across this thread. Good luck anon! :) You can do it!!

>>634489
I'm so glad to read that! Changing life for the better is a long and complex journey, but it's all worth it ♥

(sorry shit english not my native language)

I feel like this could be a really interesting thread! I’ve been working on self-improvement, here’s the backstory: from age 11-18 i was extremely, ugly, sad all the time, didnt put any effort into anything and even if i had friends i would feel so alone and i hated meeting new people bc i assumed everyone would hate me and find me ugly, went full dark sasuke mode in hs and avoided hanging out with anyone.

Now I’m going into my 4th years of college and during all these years I’ve learned a lot about self and social improvement. I did pretty much all the things you shouldn’t do so here’s some of the tips i learned thru the years:

>Stop acting like a background character .
This means: take care of yourself, clean your room, have a skincare routine, pay attention to yourself , do makeup, earn money by yourself, hit the gym. IK it sounds basic asf to say that, but that the truth, organising your life and taking time for yourself if often the first step to self-improvement. Be clear about what you expect from life and relationships, how you want to be, how you want to be perceived, how you see urself in 1 month, 1, 5, or 10 years.
Start doing « active » things like doing a sport, learning an instrument, writing, drawing, doing your nails or whatever. Be active! I know it’s hard to get this lifestyle, but once you start to get it, you’ll know how good it is and you’ll never want to give it up. The hardest part is starting it.


>Get some self-respect!
This is extremely important. I’ve always been acting a way too nice with everyone and never asked for anything in return because i wanted people to like me but also not to seem annoying and rude. It got me into a lot of suffering because I was willing to do so much for people who would lie to me and treat me like shit.
Focus ur kindness & ur time for people who are really worth it


>Stop comparing yourself
I know that a lot of girls do that, but stop looking at wolfiecindy and madisson beer’s insta. It will do nothing but just destroy your self esteem because you’ll feel like shit, instead, go follow girls that looks like you or that have the style you want and think you can achieve. Don’t have too unrealistic expectations. Insta account like s0cialmediavsreality can help too


This also goes for ppl you know IRL, accept that you will never be them.

Instead of self-pitying, try to understand what you like about this, person, and try to imitate that (in a subtle and personal way ofc) Like, what do you admire? The way she dresses? Start to build your own style too. How many friends she has? Work on yourself to socialize more. The fact that she travels so much? Find a work and pay you that Greece trip you always wanted.

Ofc we’re not born equal, and some of the things you struggle so much with seems so easy for them. Accept it, move on and focus on yourself


>Remember that people are human and never idolize anyone
For so many years. I was basically terrorised by popular, confident and loud girl, i would feel extremely shy and insecure around them. During my 1st year of college, for some random reasons i became really close friend with basically the class’s most popular and intimidating girl. Once I got to know her, I realized she was an extremely insecure, broken girl and that she actually didn’t had real friends.
Afterwards, I started to more easily hang out with hot, «popular » girls and I realized that , in fact, most of them are really alone; often sad. (Same goes for guys! )


>If sometimes you feel like you don’t fit in: it’s okay!
Not everyone has to like you! My first 2 years of college i wanted to have a « squad » so I started hanging out with normies and they didn’t get my personality, my sense of humor and it was SO depressing because I just felt like I was a weirdo and that i was shit.

I cut ties with them, and now I realize how pathetic & cringe they were and how I was the smarter bad bitch this whole time.

>You’re a blessing not a burden
I once heard a french youtuber talking about her crush who didn’t care at all about her at first and saying that she still shot her shot because if she liked him, there’s no reason that he wouldn’t like her back. It really made me think and now this is a mindset i apply everytime i meet someone.
Ofc it’s not always going to be reciprocated, but there’s no reason not to try. And if they don’t like you, don’t think about how horrible u are, but more about how sad for them it is not to have you in their life.

>Accept you can make mistakes
You are going to fail, things are not always going to end up how you wanted.
You are going to learn from this failure, and that’s how you will progress. Stop overthinking and just act. Never stop trying.

>Never put yourself down
I used to have very awkward and dry convos with some guy i had an hard crush, we had nothing to discuss about i would cry at night because i thought i was doing something wrong, i felt like the worst. But turns out he was just a boring guy that wasn’t very smart. If you are in an awkward social interaction, it’s as much your fault’s as the other person.

>Don’t rely on male validation
Sadly for a lot of us ex-uggos we really crave for male validation. Bc i didn’t have any of that in high school, when boys started to get so nice with me i thought that they were all falling in love or something. But remember that no one will never be as nice to you as a guy that wants to fuck you. Also, don’t be too flirty, that’s sometimes can ruin your reputation and how you are percieved, I was a way too flirty and people thought i was a hoe even tho i was a virgin at that time.



>Prioritize deep relationship with few people rather than wanting to be popular
Like I’ve said before, I really wanted to have that « college squad » but i barely knew anyone of them and i was never truly happy even if i went to big ass parties with a lot of ppl.
Now I only talk with people that truly interest me and that I truly want to hang out with. I’ve had much more fun with comfy parties with only 5 people that 30+ parties.

Honestly, most people are shit and mean (even tho for this i think it’s mostly because of the city I live in) and you’re a random person to them. The more you hangout with ppl, the less true relationships you’ll have have and in the end you will feel alone.

>DGAF about what other will think
Honestly for SO SO many years I’ve stopped myself into doing things i wanted like dressing how i want, talking to my crush… Even posting insta pic ect because i was afraid of what people will think.
I even lied about stuff like losing my virginity so i would appear « cool »
Even if it’s still hard sometimes, now i just embrace who I am, what I do, what I like, the mistakes I made…
There’s always going to be someone who dislike you, so don’t pander to everyone and just stay true to yourself

Here’s an anecdote a girl told me one day, and I often think about it: She’s had sex when she was 13, and her middle school’s main bully came up to her and asked her if she really had sex, she answered « yeah, so what » and the girl didn’t know what to say. Even if people trash talked afterward, she owned what she did, there was no that much backlash and people liked her because of how honest she was.

People will assume you’re weak and that’s how they can hurt you. If you appear strong, they will not bothers.

>Better to have remorse than regret

Don’t be afraid to socialize!

That guy you like? Go talk to him.
That girl you think is so cool? Answer one of her story !

I didn’t wanted to talk about love but more about general social interactions, but I’ve never had a boyfriend because I was so afraid he wouldn’t like me, afraid he would make fun of me, ect ect
I avoided every contact, and I would rather have them think I hated them than them having the
Thing is: it’s okay to have a crush, it’s okay if it doesn’t work out. It doesn’t mean that u are shit, it’s just mean that you were not made for each other. And nobody will make fun of you for liking someone.

I wasted 2 years of my life waiting for my crush to talk to me, I somehow managed to become « buddy » with him, but i couldn’t even look at him right in the eyes. One night i was drunk and he used me for sex in a very sneaky way. I hurted me so much, i didn’t even had any pleasure i only did it for him to like me (NEVER WORKS!!!)

Now I’m having a flirt with a man that is basically my dream guy, I talked to him as if I was talking to a friend and made it clear that I liked him and now we are supposed to have a date!!

>The most cliché thing ever but be yourself !
Improving your personality is something, but pretending to have one that isn’t really yours is something else. If people dont like your real personality just move on.

Also here’s some tips to have a nicer personality
>Don’t be too loud
>Don’t be too noisy
>Don't act like someone ur not
>Be nice to insecure and shy people
>Avoid the drama
>Don’t trashtalk too much
>Be positive

and a nicer life
>do what YOU want
>take things lightly

Having role models can really help you!

Lastly, don’t believe the « nobody can change!!! » bullshit , u can and u will.


Again sorry for my bad english and sperging about my life so much but i wanted to share my experience. It was very focused on how socializing and i hope it isnt too out of topic. It’s nice to get this all out and I hope my mistakes will help you girls. I’m still on my journey, and deep down im still etremely insecure, but i’m working and I know i will have a good life one day

>>634710
Every tip here is amazing! But this one really resonated with me:
>Remember that people are human and never idolize anyone
It reminded me of the phrase "I am human and I think that nothing human is alien to me" by the playwright Terence. Understanding this made me feel less anxious around people, we are all different, but we're still humans and have our virtues and weaknesses, and chances are, we're all looking for the exact same things. You have to refuse to be intimidated by these differences

>>634186
not really adding anything but thanks for making this thread, i really hope it picks up! i love seeing optimistic and helpful threads like this!

My simple advice for making friends is to ask people out to do stuff. You have nothing to lose. If you're worried about how it makes you look, just think about how you'd view it from the other side. "Ew, this woman politely asked if I'd like to join her for x event"? Unlikely. You might feel bad about declining or self conscious if you're not interested for whatever reason, but you likely wouldn't think poorly of her at all. So go for it.

If you casually know someone and have been able to find a couple common interests, just say, "Hey so-and-so, I was planning to go to this class/cafe/shop/movie/whatever this weekend. Would you want to come? No worries if you're busy." If they say no, it's fine. If they say yes, you might get to know them better and develop a good friend. All the most popular people I know are always doing stuff and organizing events. They're not waiting around for other people to make things happen, they're taking action themselves. Asking people to do things makes them feel important and valued, so even if nothing comes of it, they'll likely think better of you. Some people are just shitty friends and won't reciprocate or ask you out in turn, but others will pick up their game when they see you're interested. Those are the ones worth following up with.

I know it's hard to do this sort of thing during COVID, but you can still have small meet-ups at your house, a local park, whatever locations are open in your area, etc. In fact since people are so starved for contact right now, as long as they're not fully socially isolating, your chances will likely be higher for getting a yes!

Having a social life is overrated

>>634710
I’m going to write this down on a piece of paper and read it everyday.
Thanks anon, you have a cute way of expressing yourself.

This is exceptionally true
> i thought i was doing something wrong, i felt like the worst. But turns out he was just a boring guy that wasn’t very smart. If you are in an awkward social interaction, it’s as much your fault’s as the other person.

>>636366
Wrong thread for this, bud.

>>636352
>My simple advice for making friends is to ask people out to do stuff.
You're right. There's not much else to say about it, but all of the rest of what you said was so nice and helpful! When I split with my live-in partner of 3 years, I had NO friends and was lonely. I had to ask other people to hang out all the time, and eventually, it became mutual and reciprocal. Now my life is rich with really incredible friends and loved ones. But it's also so important to do the things you want to by yourself and cultivate that confidence. I believe in all of you, anons!

>>636352
This is good advice.

For any fellow awkward anons who worry about awkward pauses, a movie or activity is a really good option. No pressure to talk during a movie, and an activity creates an easy atmosphere of enjoyment where talking comes naturally. Theme parks are great if you both happen to like something like roller coasters or mini golf, or perhaps a painting class with wine (these are super fun!).

Sadly, that kinda stuff isn't happening right now with Covid, but something to keep in mind for your future buddies.

>>634710
>Also here’s some tips to have a nicer personality
>Don’t be too loud
>Don’t be too noisy

My problem is the opposite: I just can't talk. Like literally nothing, if I wouldn't live with my family I could likely go a week without speaking at all, sometimes I'm even feeling unable to say something to my parents and with others it's of course a million times worse, I'm so nervous that I can't finish sentences correctly and sometimes I even stutter.

How do I do that, getting closer to others, asking others out? I never even manage to get to such a stage, the most I usually do is a simple Hello, I'm… and then I'm frantically thinking of what to say, but there's nothing coming out of my mouth.
I'm also tall with a rbf, so people don't get that I'm shy and just think I'm an ass.

>>636443
That actually sounds like a form of anxiety, anon. Have you considered going to the doctor? If you truly find it that difficult to speak to others, the kind of normal advice like "ask them questions, have small talk subjects in mind, etc" isn't going to be helpful. Therapy might help as well.

>>636443
The other anon might be right about anxiety, but with no shade intended, do you think very often? Do you have an inner monologue going on about your life and topics you ponder and all that? I used to think I had nothing interesting to contribute to conversations, but eventually I realized it wasn't that I had nothing to say, but that I didn't think my thoughts were worth sharing. When I realized that 90% of anything anyone says is just a bunch of mindless blathering (lol) to communicate their internal dialogue, externally, then I felt that it was okay for me to do the same. And surprisingly, not everyone thought I was stupid or weird, but appreciated my unique perspective.

It might sound kind of silly, but if you need practice, start to verbalize your thoughts aloud. See if you can vocalize a stream of consciousness about something you've read, an interest or piece of media you like, etc. Pretend you're streaming or recording a video. Just do it offhand and see how long you can go. You might surprise yourself. Of course you'll need to ask other people questions and things too, but my problem was that I'd get in the habit of asking a bunch of questions and end up sounding like an interviewer rather than a friend. You want to be able to share your opinions as well, and you likely have a lot more to say than you realize.

How do i get a sense of control? I feel I don't have control over my life or myself often and it leads me to trying to control stupid things. I feel like I'm constantly restraining myself in order to feel I have control but it's false. Anyone else have this feeling?

>>636697
Do you have clear and determined goals? It doesn't have to be something related to your profession or something like that, sometimes just having "sleeping better" or "spending less time in social media" as a goal is exactly what you need. I feel in control when I effectively do things that help me get closer to those goals, I feel proactive that way

>>636603
I'm not the anon you addressed but, holy shit, this was such a serendipitious post you wrote! I've been wondering about why I need a tremendous amount of effort to speak in social settings and I suspected that having no internal monologue (I think in images and impressions) definitely has something to do with it…I also have the same thing where I feel like my thoughts are not as good as other people's so I don't bother sharing them plus my throat seems to close up whenever I try to speak, which I suspect is psychosomatic. I'm going to try to practice verbalization, thank you for the tip!

How do I go about changing my attitude to basically the polar opposite?
For the longest time I've been pessimistic and apathetic about life in general. Things just sort of happen to me I feel like I don't really control them. I've recognized that my core beliefs are that I am unloveable, I deserve to be unhappy, I can't do anything right, and that I am uninteresting, among other things. Also I lack enthusiasm for anything. If I hang out with my friends, I am upbeat for like 2 days then I go back into my dark place. Do I just start mantra-ing to myself that I am an interesting, talented, etc human being and that life is worth living? Would that help at all?

>>636992
I'm glad it helped anon! It took me a long time to realize I wasn't boring and lacking personality. When I started talking to myself like a weirdo I found I could ramble with the best of them. Felt kind of freeing, really. Good luck to you!

>>637128
>I am unlovable, I deserve to be unhappy, I can't do anything right
I was here not so long ago and still relapse sometimes, but thankfully I'm in a better place now, and I believe you can be too. My issue with this:
>Do I just start mantra-ing to myself that I am an interesting, talented, etc human being
was that my self confidence was so nonexistent that doing the whole self affirmation thing felt like a complete and utter lie. Like, you have to have some level of self love for it to work, and I didn't, so it failed me.

What did help was CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It's the same thing a therapist would typically work with you on, but if you want to put the effort in, you can do it solo. I have my reasons for not wanting to pay/see a shrink, so I ordered a workbook I've mentioned in some other threads (https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985) and started pushing through the exercises. It really helps you see yourself in a more objective way and start breaking down damaging beliefs.

One of the most shocking things I learned was along the lines of: "Your value is not determined by what you can do or provide for other people, but in your existence itself. Your life is a result of a million coincidental factors that just so happened to come together to create you, and that is valuable. You do not have to do anything but be yourself to be 'worthy' of happiness." I started to cry when I read that. I had literally never heard anything like it before, or if I had, I didn't believe it until then. I always thought I had to accomplish great things, always put other people's needs first, always give and give to be worth anything at all. But here was a psychologist (indirectly) telling me that those beliefs were harmful and not based in reality, that I should be "allowed" to be happy just because I'm alive. It was simple and mind blowing, and sad I hadn't been able to see it for so long. I think following a process like CBT can really help to reorganize your thought patterns, and get you to the point where self affirmations actually are viable.

>>636603
>do you think very often? Do you have an inner monologue going on about your life and topics you ponder and all that?
Yes I do, pretty much constantly. A couple days ago I caught myself making up a conversation with my mother in my head - while actually sitting next to her and not talking to her. And it's not even like I'm doing practice talks on things I plan to say later, I'm basically just daydreaming 24/7, fantasizing about an alternative reality in which I actually talk to the people around me.

My father and my brother are always talking to themselves and I always thought that it's a positive thing that I'm at least not doing that but maybe I should really try saying things out aloud more.

>I realized that 90% of anything anyone says is just a bunch of mindless blathering (lol) to communicate their internal dialogue, externally
But I can't help but feel like my thoughts are much more lame than others, I'm scared that people are weirded out by my version of "small talk".

>>636603
>>637315
nayrt but holy shit, anon I wish I had you as my irl friend because you sound amazing! This is the kind of advice I've been looking for but never really figure out how to ask for it, so I hope keeping these things in mind will give me a push in the right direction!

Though, one of my bigger issues is that I have very shitty self-confidence and while I'm outgoing in spirit I put a lot of pressure on myself on being interesting and witty despite not having any charisma whatsoever (I come from a very outgoing and witty family that naturally attracts people but I still somehow managed to turn into an introvert, but I've managed to turned it around quite a bit so far) so I come off as pretty awkward instead. How do you handle that?

>>637630
That's great! It sounds like you have a lot to contribute that you've just been keeping to yourself. I was/am the same way. I daydream and think so much that I sometimes miss things that are literally sitting right in front of me. I've just tried to express my thoughts more often when I'm around other people. Sometimes you end up hitting on something that they've been thinking but didn't know how to verbalize themselves, so it helps them too.
>I'm scared that people are weirded out by my version of "small talk".
Some people might think it's weird, but that's okay. We might not be everyone's cup of tea, even if there's nothing outright "offensive" about us. Making friends is a lot like dating in that regard, where you might like a person just fine, but for whatever reason you don't click. Not everyone has to love you. But at least by sharing more of yourself, you give people the opportunity to connect with you where they wouldn't have known you were similar before. If someone is judgmental towards you, that often indicates they have some a personal issue that they're unable to address, and they're using you as a sort of scapegoat. Those aren't people worth associating with in the first place, so it's good they weed themselves out!

>>637700
That's really kind of you to say anon, thank you. I still have a lot to work on but it makes me happy that I can be helpful. I wish we could be friends irl too. I don't really have anyone to talk about self improvement with and it's hard for me to trust others sometimes.

I think you might be being too hard on yourself regarding how you come across. Sometimes what's awkward to one person is charming and unique to another. I've found that it may be an issue with the company you keep having their own hang-ups that makes them see other people as "odd" because they're not actually comfortable with themselves. But - if you recognize that you actually are saying things that aren't expressed in a clear way, or coming across as anxious when you want to put other people at ease, it's something that can be trained just like any skill. We often see charismatic people as those who are "born with it," but in fact a lot of them have really worked on it and gotten better at socializing through trial and error even if they're not conscious of it.

There's a really good series of YT videos that teach social skills and break down what exactly makes people charismatic. They even use celebrities and interviews and that sort of thing to show people what "works" about their social skills. You should check it out if you're interested! The channel is Charisma on Command. They have a featured video right now precisely on how to be charismatic as an introvert. https://www.youtube.com/user/charismaoncommand

hi anons, i dont really know what to do. im pretty introverted but also extroverted, i love going out and doing sociable things but my social meter runs out pretty quickly. its causing some problems in my relationship, i think my partner thinks i am really boring. i find it difficult to think of activities to do, and i'm pretty passive (if someone invites me out or provides something to do i'm always 100% down, but i find it hard to think of things to do myself). with the pandemic it's especially bad because i cant see people as often, i feel like i'm stagnating and my partner has visibly expressed it bothers him that i never suggest anything. what can i do? ive got depresison and other issues which contribute to this but i dont want to use them as an excuse, i literally need to learn how to be more proactive and think of things to do more often and take situations into control instead of following others. how do i do this? thank you in advance

>>638399
There are a few things that might make it easier for you to brainstorm. The first is to know your suggestions don't have to be super original. Think back on things other people have done and just repeat them with a slight variation (liked it when a friend got everyone together for movies and board games? pick some of your own favorites and invite people). Otherwise, look up things to do in your city and figure out what places are open despite COVID. Some of these will hopefully look interesting to you, and you can ask your boyfriend or other people to visit them together. If you're really struggling, look up generic "date ideas" online. All of them may not be viable right now, but they'll at least give you some ideas of where to start.

Here are some thoughts (I'm framing these as things to do with your bf, but you could adapt for friends too):

* Movie night: Pick a recipe you and your bf can make together then watch something new
* Hiking: Look up pretty hikes in the area, pack a lunch and head out. Take some cool photos together.
* Games: Play board games or video games (even better if you can find something new). To add a little spice, tell your bf that you both need to bet something. Could be a cheap little care package, could be an activity (like the winner gets a massage or loser cooks for the night).
* Classes: Fitness, dance, cooking, painting and other art/crafts, music, whatever. Might have limited in-person options due to COVID, but you can suggest an online one if necessary. Buy a simple online tutorial and the materials needed and tell your bf you want to try it together. Get some booze to share while you're doing it.
* Do something charity-related together. You'll have to check out specifics regarding your location, but you might be able to help out at a food bank, I think Habitat for Humanity is resuming builds, you could write letters to kids for Save the Children.

>>638399
This was mentioned in the past but fits into the hiking idea >>638626 provided: geocaching. You can do it wherever you want, it will make even the walks in your own neighbourhood more exciting and will motivate you to go out.

>>638657
Great addition! I've found a lot of cool areas I had no clue were <5 min away from me due to geocaching and certain apps. Like when Pokemon Go came out I ended up wandering over to a super cool park and even a fitness center with unique stuff (aerial classes, rock climbing). There are a lot of ways to make fitness more exciting, like Zombies, Run! (https://zombiesrungame.com) where it turns running into a game where you have to rush away from zombies and gather supplies, rather than mindlessly plodding along. It's a fun thing to do with others, too.

>>634710
Your english is fine and I'm glad you posted this. Thank you, anon.

Anyone have recommendations for "girly" movies about self-improvement? I find them super motivating (and relaxing) but I can't think of any other than Legally Blonde and Black Swan.

>>638679
thank you so much anons, i'm definitely going to give this all a go!

Is there a way to strengthen one's sense of self? I grew up in a family where boundaries were very unclear and as a result my sense of self is very wonky and dependent on the people around me. I feel like my personality changes a bit depending whom I'm with

>>639720
Maybe trying different things and doing things on your own? Resolving conflicts and experiencing things by yourself are great ways to be more in tune with yourself. I also recommend journaling, it's a very therapeutic way of communicating and sharing your own thoughts and reflections with yourself.
For example: Try an activity you haven't done yet, or maybe you have, but with other people that might have infuenced on your reactions and later sit down and truly reflect on how you were feeling, if you liked it, if you didn't, etc. And this can apply to other things, such as interests, people and stuff such as films, music, etc.
Hopefully it was helpful, good luck!

>>638956
Tbh the house bunny is a pretty cute semi motivational movie. Even though she’s not traditionally smart she plays to her strengths and brings other women up instead of tearing them down

>>638956
You consider Black Swan to be a girly movie about self improvement?? Are you confusing it with another movie that isn't horrifying?

And for recs… I like sports/dance movies personally because they usually include some combo of friendship and improving at whatever sport it is, eg
>Stick It
>Bring it On
>Whip It
>Bend it like Beckham
>Center Stage
>Blue Crush
>Honey

>>640351
I love the House Bunny, it's cute.

How can I communicate more clearly? Even when I think I explained something in detail, the other person assumes a small thing I haven't made clear and assumes it wrong and it's well, cringe. I always make the same mistake - don't overexplain because it's obvious from context. I know what to do lol but I don't do it right. Am I doomed?
I'm esl so at least in this post I have an excuse

>>640389
Talk to children more.
Every parent of small child I know overexplains things to everyone around them, that manner of talking just becomes second nature.

How does one switch their worldview to the opposite? I spent most of my life depressed, feeling worthless and feeling like the world is a horrible place. I still have this view and I feel like I lose friends and repel people because of my negativity. I REALLY, GENUINELY want to believe that life is wonderful and is worth living and that I'm a good person. I really want to believe it. But how do I do it? Repeating to myself these statements feel ridiculous to me

This is the advice threads that anons have been looking for. They always make new ones and say there isn't a general advice thread. This is it.

Anyways, I saw this one somewhere on the internet and I think I'm gonna start using it soon. This woman mentioned that whenever she would sign emails with her own name, people would absolutely respond back rudely or just in a way that belittled her, and that it made her job a lot worse when she needed to get things done and men would dismiss her. So what she started doing was making a "personal assistant" (it was herself) named "Matthew" or kevin. one of those names. She said she started to get a lot more respect in the responses to her emails and that she started to get a lot more taken care of. I feel like the reason is obvious: men perceive the female tone as "bitchy" and "emotional" when the same tone from a male would be "firm" and "assertive". So clearly, we need to start acting like those assholes in order to be heard. I'm totally behind that and look forward to giving it a shot.

So nonnies, here's my advice:

1. Make an email address with a male sounding name in it
2. create email signature "regards, Michael" or something
3. Write as many assertive emails as you want without men calling you a bitch because they can't handle women talking to them like that
4. Profit

>>634186
a lot of good advices from anons, so i'll give my own wisdom too. (sorry for shit english its not my native language)

>getting a better body image

when i was starting high school i fucking hated myself. i thought of myself as a horrible sack of a man with no intentions and passions in life, i thought that nobody liked me, so i never really cared about how i looked. i was short and overweight, my acne had been creating its own galaxy and i was dressing up like one of those fuckers who does nothing but talk politics and treat your position on political compass like astrology.

i know thinking better about your body is a long and hefty process, but at the end it's always worth it. speaking from my own experience, ever since i really started getting confident with myself and my body (wearing more revealing clothes, bikinis etc.) i physically look better, i understand my body better and i can actively improve it since i know what my body wants. i also feel much better with the freedom of wearing whatever i want. sure i still have acne, i dont have a flat stomach, or whatever the fuck but i still look good and i am improving myself every day to look better.

>advice that worked for me

you can try getting a 'body neutrality' perspective, and that's okay whatever floats your boat. however i believe body neutrality is for weak pussies, so i went with the narcissism method.

now what i mean with narcissism is not 'be a dick and degrade everyone while turning your whole personality into a self insert wattpad book character'. just, say that you're beautiful. for example, when someone compliments on your looks or say you're beautiful, instead of a generic 'thank you' or 'no im ugly', start saying 'thank you, i know'. or when you're passing by a mirror, take a look at yourself and say 'wow i'm hot'. it may sound and look ridiculous at first, but over time you will believe it yourself.

if you have anything that bothers you about your body, NEVER try to change it with a hurry. every body is different, so not everything that have worked for someone else will work for you. this shit takes time and trial and error. consult a professional, or combine and alter things that worked for others. you will never find a perfect solution at first try, but eventually you'll find that one thing that makes your body look like a winx fairy.(male)

>>826005
Hey I really like your advice. Be careful referring to yourself as a man though, you will get banned.

I have so little emotional energy, I feel really drained by relationships anyway but I'm also really protective over my energy because of how I was raised (emotional vampire mother). As such there's only one, maybe two relationships in my life where I'm not doing the absolute bare minimum. I feel bad about it (although I don't really want any more actual involvement in those low contract relationships).
Also, I'm starting a career in healthcare, where caring about people or at least acting like you do is central, so I do actually need a bigger store of emotional energy. How do I do this? I want to build like a gym for emotional energy and flex my caring muscles lol.

Does anyone have study tips that actually worked? Something that really changed the way you study for better?
I am in a school with massive study loads requiring lot of concentration, time spent studying and memorising. I'd really appreciate any tips!

>>826278
do revision by recording notes and listen to them while doing stuff when you are away from studying, quiz yourself and then note down what you dont know

>>826278
1. Read the topics/pay attention to lectures and handwrite notes
2. Take those notes, type them up. Highlight important concepts, add additional details
3. Record yourself reading the typed notes and explaining the concepts.

What you're doing initially is doing a rough outline of notes. Once you type them up, you'll need to review the material to add more details to the types notes. Finally, recording them out loud gets you comfortable with vocalizing and processing what you've written down. You should get to a point where you could essentially teach someone the topic you're learning. That's honestly the best way I've done it. Basically, you should know your notes so well that you are able to teach them out loud. At that point, you've sort of mastered the topic!

It got me nearly straight As, my senior year in college.

>>826278
Write important pieces of info on sticky notes and place them around the house where you often go. I did this and I remembered everything

>>826278
Use Anki flashcards, it uses feedback from you based on how well you know the thing

>>826493
Seconding this. Notes can be cute and all but it's one of the most ineffective ways to study, maybe take notes in question format and convert them to flashcards instead. Anki is neat because it uses an algorithm to test you on the things you struggle with the most. I also like flowcharting because I am a visual person, it's a good idea to try re-doing a flowchart from memory. You can also look up videos about proven study methods.
t. stemlord major in suffering

>>826529
Nta but wow, this is extremely helpful. Can't believe that I didn't consider looking up more efficient study techniques. I've been struggling with time management because taking notes and re-reading occupies so much of my time and it hasn't even been very effective. I thought I was just a dumbass, now that I have this knowledge I feel like I'm gonna go super saiyan for the rest of my degree. Thanks for sharing anona.

>>826529
I wonder, do we have an active study thread? The ones I found are dead/locked or specific to something (like language learning).
Would anons be up to have a new study tips/motivation/resources/music general?

Where are you even supposed to start with self-improvement? I feel like I’m damaged beyond repair. I can’t hold a conversation with anyone that isn’t about weebshit, and even then I struggle articulating my thoughts clearly and eloquently because I haven’t spoken to people actively for about 5 years now. What are people in their 20s usually interested in? I feel so retarded that at this point I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through everything.

Going back to college is about the only thing I’ve achieved in terms of “self-improvement” and I thought it would be the first domino to fixing myself but I feel exactly the same as before. Online classes do not help this situation.

I want to be fit. I am poor. I live with discouraging, selfish “family” who want to keep me tied down here forever and it destroys my mind daily. I hate every single one of them. I need a helping hand. I want to stop feeling like I’m suffocating and drowning in every single thought that crosses my mind.

How do I start? What can I do for myself? Every day my chest aches and I’m so sick of it

>>951302
Girl, that helping hand will always be yourself. Its important to know that. You've already improved by finishing your education and reaching out for help on online like this. But you n will need is irl help too, so don't be afraid to reach out to friends or make some if you haven't already. But first and foremost is making some cash to be able to distance yourself from family. Financial independence and stability is one of your biggest tools. It gotta be a slow but steady process so don't give up please. I believe in you and will be hoping for your future!

95% of the time I do not want to talk. I always feel like I must make fake conversation until I can leave. Idk if it has to do with how extremely nonconversational my family was growing up? Or if it's even something you can change. I have an easy time of socializing when I have to but I don't know how to want to. Any ideas? Or should I just stay the same ?

I cannot stress how much I hate needing to make fake conversation, and feel like Everytime I socialize with people… Even people I work with.. it feels like that. Ok I can have interested conversation for a little while, but often I feel like….. What can I say that hasn't already been said? What's the point of talking about it when I could spend time making something ? I have no idea why, but eversince I can remember it's been like this.

My friends I only hang out with once in a while and a my best friends like it the same way. So you know? When you have to catch up it's really fun and you're really excited to see them. Problem is I only make so many friends like that and some of them grew distant after having babies. I always counted on the same friends, now they never have time. I need to know childfree people lol.

>>1024211
You should change if you want to. Not if you don't. No one will care either way, people are accommodating and don't usually like talking to people who don't want to talk to them anyway.

Hi nonnas, I’ve had some good luck lately in the self-improvement department so I wanted to share and maybe give some tips! I’ve been a fat, ugly, retarded BPD-chan for my entire life and decided to make some real changes recently.

First I left a shitty marriage and devoted myself to being single. Haven’t been truly single in almost a decade. Prioritizing yourself and other important things (career, family, pets, health) is really the first step. It’s honestly really fucking hard to do that when your entire life has revolved around scrotes, but cultivating my own interests, talents, and social groups really helped.

Therapy, anons. I did very poorly with talk therapy and medications didn’t do anything positive for me, I’ve tried many cocktails and they usually just made me worse. I ended up trying psychedelic therapy and it’s made a world of difference. Don’t be afraid to try different methods, therapy isn’t one size fits all. We all have unique needs, experiences, and desired outcomes.

I fucking hated my career but was terrified of changing it because of loans, “lack of skills,” and a serious aversion to change. Manifestation is probably bullshit, but once I started doing things that I liked and worked for me I started getting job offers all over the place. Once I completed the psychedelic treatment series the owner of the clinic asked me to work for them and I love it. Feels much more like home and I’m doing really well. I also got the courage to ask the owner of my favorite record store if he needed help, and got hired today. I never would’ve done that previously, but since I’ve dedicated time to working on myself I feel a lot more competent and less anxious about being assertive.

Part of my growth has been frankly confronting my flaws and issues. I’ve had problems with alcohol and food addiction for years, and I never quite knew what was causing them. Mostly anxiety and depression, but also a subconscious need to have a wall around me all the time. Alcohol provided a social wall, and food provided a physical wall. I really just wanted to be hidden all the time, and if I couldn’t I needed to alter my personality. I just recently decided to actually consciously lose weight, and when I weighed myself I’d lost 20 lbs just from liking myself more. I also rarely drink, went from a 6-pack of beer nightly to one drink a week or less. I didn’t necessarily intend to make these changes, but they happened once I started feeling better about myself. I’m doing a pretty light workout routine now so I can feel stronger, and I make sure to take my dog on a good walk daily. Just those two things have improved my mental health significantly.

My ex was addicted to ordering takeout (like Shayna-level kek), so I’d just eat whatever garbage shit he’d get daily. I’ve made a big effort to eat food that makes me feel good, and I don’t do delivery. Forcing myself to cook even if it’s as simple as a salad has also vastly improved my relationship with food. It seems more intentional now, and not just something that showed up in a bag on the doorstep.

Because I was an evil BPD-chan I had a lot of terrible relationships with people and ended up being so fucking terrified of them that I rarely left my house, or only went to “safe” places at “safe” times so I wouldn’t run into anyone. I started forcing myself to go where I knew I would see those people, and while it was terrifying I learned that people have pretty short attention spans and are also generally pretty forgiving. It may have just been my paranoia telling me that they all hated me, but I was floored by how many people were genuinely happy to see me. I feel so much more free now.

I also let go of people that I knew weren’t good for me. I stopped speaking to my mom’s family (long history of trauma and terrible dynamics) and old friends that encouraged poor behavior. I got a lot better with my own boundaries and respecting other people’s boundaries, and have much healthier relationships now. I have a much smaller group of friends but they’re all very quality people that make me want to be better.

I really like lists and organization, so I wrote out a list of 10-15 self care activities. Things like physical activity, reading, doing art, cleaning, spending time with pets/loved ones, getting to sleep early, skin/hair care, etc. I have a page in my journal for every day of the month and I do at least 3 things from that list daily. I have them numbered and just write down the number of the things I did, and I was surprised at how much variation I have in things that were previously difficult to do.

Social media is much more detrimental than it seems, I think. I got rid of all of it slowly and haven’t had any for about 6 months now. Not comparing myself to others and trying to cultivate an image, and worrying about taking photos of myself has helped a lot. My anxiety got so much better once I deleted it all. I am much more ok with my appearance, and I think part of it has to do with only seeing people in person and not in posed, edited photos. I religiously check my favorite cows’ threads as a reminder of why keeping my personal life to myself is beneficial lmao.

I’m sure this is all very basic shit that most of you already do, but if any of this helps anyone I’ll be very happy. If I can do this, you can too. I was a disaster and a terrible person, I probably could’ve had a thread on here at some point kek. Self-improvement can seem completely unattainable and difficult, but take small steps! They’re building blocks, and once you can make some positive changes, more will come. I still get lonely and have bad days, but life is much easier now and I can see my progress, and so can other people. Good luck nonnas, I believe in all of you!

>>1025634
What’s psychedelic therapy like? I live in a thirdie shithole where it’s not available and I’m curious.

>>1025654
I did ketamine. It’s really fucking intense for me, less so for most people. I have a “bad trip” almost every time but it’s trauma coming out. I basically just lie down, get an injection of ketamine, and trip. It’s not pleasant and I get bad nausea for hours afterwards but it’s been insanely helpful. Improved mood, improved coping mechanisms, improved self-image etc. The trips are really visual, lots of people see beautiful colors and landscapes. You dissociate completely and literally forget you have a body. I’ve had a couple really nice trips where I’m just a ball of energy floating in space and feeling very connected to everything, and have an overwhelming feeling of love and contentment. I haven’t done any others but I’ve heard mushroom and MDMA therapy are wonderful too. Hopefully trying those out soon. I hope you get a chance to try it someday if it’s something you’re interested in!

>>1025665
That sounds nice, anon. I’m glad you’re doing better.

>>1025665
Is that legal?

>>1025703
yes, ketamine infusions have been legal for a while now. they also have a nasal spray that's pretty available and tablets. infusions are expensive as hell though.

>>1024254
Could you come across more offended? Not enjoying talking isn't the end of the world, unless you're really insecure and hyper-focused on my existence.

here's some tricks i picked up on getting people to "like" you. note that liking doesn't mean they'll seek you out and want to spend every minute with you, but they will feel more comfortable near you and generally feel positively towards you.

-make eye contact and turn your torso into their direction. if they tell you something really boring and you zone out, they will notice. instead, focus on something else, like try and feel every limb of your body or clench your glutes or something or count your breaths. it makes you look focused and very interested.
-don't nod/exclaim all the time when someone tells you something. not like in those japanese small talk videos where they go "hai hai hai" and nod all the time. say yes or nod maybe twice or thrice. you seem like a much more active listener.
-tell yourself that nobody gives a shit about you. that's depressing, but it will stop you from oversharing or interrupting. ask people questions. people will think that you're interested in them and it makes them feel good to talk about themselves. someone talks about being tired because of their part time job? ask them questions and "feel for them." for example: "what do you work as? oh, do you enjoy doing that/how did you get that job? wow, it sounds very exhausting/demanding, no wonder you're tired." again, people will feel better about themselves and have positive feelings towards you.
-do you have embarrassing nerdy hobbies? don't talk about them if you think people will think bad of you. instead, mention something else a few times. people around me think i'm a huge movie nerd because i mentioned going to the movies three or four times. later you can open up and be like "haha, actually i like anime too." people will like you, because your nerdy interest is just another facet of your personality and not your only personality trait.

remember: you are a normal person who has normal interests and you like things a normal amount.

>>1025729
wow ty nonnie ur very insightful

>>1025729
That is a cute kitty. How to stop feeling deep puzzling repulsion towards a lot of people ? How to stop the feeling that Im already in deep dislike ? No not all of them but most of them really annoy me.

>>1025735
you're welcome!! also all this stuff takes practice, so it doesn't work immediately and sometimes the effect is barely notable, but once it becomes second nature for you to act this way, life and interactions with others become easier.

>>1025740
>How to stop the feeling that Im already in deep dislike ?
do you mean that they already dislike you, or that you already dislike them? as for that "i wanna be liked by everyone!" desire, tell yourself that you don't like everyone either so you can't ask everyone to like you. as for the other way around, i think it's best to try and be as positive as possible. yeah, some people are unlikable and they just rub you the wrong way, but i'd rather be nice and friendly towards them instead of being known as the one who causes drama/tension in a group. and sometimes people you dislike can surprise you! i was in a group with a girl that i disliked intensely and one day we started talking and we become the best of friends because we had one common interest. i realized she was weird because she was an ex-neet with underdeveloped social skills too, so i became more sympathetic to her struggle in group settings. sometimes people really are assholes though and you don't have to befriend them or go out of your way to be liked by them. pick your battles carefully and invest in relationships with people who are good for you. someone who makes you feel like shit is worthless compared to someone who makes you laugh until your stomach hurts.

You wish, I refuse to be manipulated by people and "what they think of me"
Imo that is living like you're already dead and in the ground.

>>1025729
I like your advice. Serious question, when are you supposed to talk about yourself? When the other person specifically asks? I know you are supposed to focus on them… but if they will never know anything about you, they will also not like you. At least in my experience.

>>1025747
My best friend who I knew for years turned out to be someone I didn't know. Also a liar. All of my other friends were kind of fake. (I don't know how or why, even if I make a good friend I don't trust it, I feel thousands of miles away in my head anywat and lose interest) After that and after experiencing disconnect and indifference towards most socializing I became accustomed to only having aquaintances. It doesn't matter if I get to know someone I still feel like I don't and it puts a space between us and I stop putting so much value in it.

>>1025747
My habit is to always try to see the best in people but it can be so opposite some days. I know deep down I'm lying to myself in a way and even if I don't act like it I'm really not opening up to a person at all.

>>1025756
in my experience it's always good to "circle back" to them. you can definitely talk about yourself - and you should, like you said, so people can get to know you too - but i always try to go back to them. like when they talk about an annoying customer at work or a coworker that bothers them, i sympathize with them, talk about my own experience, then go back to their struggle. "i experienced (…) and i did (…) maybe you can do that too? is there anyone at work who had a similar experience?" after a while and when you're closer, it usually becomes more natural and there are times when you can just talk about yourself and the other person will listen. but for casual acquaintances and the just getting to know each other stage, it's good to let people feel like they are suuuper interesting. after a while you will see which people you like, which people have a similar interest in you and which people don't offer anything in terms of companionship.

>>1025760
that's horrible, i'm sorry you went through that. i also lost my fixed friend groups twice - once in middle school i was bullied out of the group because i was the fat one and they turned into an ana-chan club, the second time (in high school) i don't even know why, but one girl seriously hated me from one day to the next and turned everyone against me. it made me very jaded and careful for years, but eventually i overcame it and started to open up a bit more. i get this feeling like there's always a bit of a distance between my friends and i. we hug and they confide in me and i tell them personal things, but i don't think i could ever cry in their arms or call them at 2 am. if i feel sad, i just write about it in my diary or post in the vent thread or talk to one of my online friends. maybe that's just the way it is for us. maybe one day we'll find that one friend we can be super close and honest with, but since we're adults, it's difficult to find the sort of kindergarten/school friendship with no secrets between us in the working world.

>>1025764
i totally get what you mean. i tend to want to please people and you could say my love language is giving gifts. sometimes i see things that i know people will like, but i have to tell myself that they would NEVER spend 20/30/40/50 bucks on a gift for me. it's not like i expect someone to spend so much money on me, so i don't want to do it either - not to mention that 50 bucks is a week of groceries for me. i get the distance thing as well, like there's always a bit of a wall between me and others. i think in the end it comes down to not wanting to be hurt. and i think that's a good thing too. it reminds me of the "finding your therapist's therapist's therapist" tumblr post. sometimes you are the person another person opens up to, but you would never open up to them. i don't think human relationships are ever perfectly equal and just because one person offers a shoulder to cry on it means that you have to be able to cry on their shoulder as well. forcing yourself open is never a good idea. some people just prefer to keep their vulnerability to themselves and as long as that doesn't cause huge issues, there's nothing wrong with that. some people seek other people to be their therapists/open ears/shoulders to cry on, meanwhile i seek other people simply for companionship and for spending time together.

>>1025764
To top it off my cat went missing and I'm so pissed. I had another cat that was poisoned once. A lot of cats in my complex want missing. I'm starting to wonder if they were poisoned…. If it's true I'd like to put rusty nails through the eyes of whoever did it. <33 I know this doesn't belong here I'm just so upset now I usually never talk about anything but I'm on a warpath now holy fuck Im out for blood kek

>>1025789
i'm so sorry. praying for your baby to come home and if someone is poisoning them, i truly wish for them to suffer. did you try the litterbox trick?

>>1025787
Still don't know what to do about the feeling of disconnect and not enjoying socializing, because im miles away in my head. That's the main thing that gets in the way. It really doesn't do anything for me and I can't motivate myself to do it.

>>1025787
I just want to say that you seem like such a thoughtful and sweet person from that post, would love to have a friend like you!

>>1025790 no I only have my other cats soiled litter. I might try it though because he might recognize her scent

>>1025801
i think it's more about the box itself and the scent it contains than the literal litter itself. try it either way as long as he has used it. really hoping he comes back.

When I came across this thread a year ago, I vowed to improve, to make things better. Ever since, things have gotten worse. Instead of picking up, it flattened, and steadily, rolled stagnant.

I tried to clean up my diet, make new friends. I walked up to people, said hi. My social performance was always pulled taut but smooth, and I always felt, whenever I pulled out a story to repeat, or a joke that I practiced in my head to tell, that I resembled less than a normal human, and more like a schizophrenic a housewife on the loose who’s slowly inching into a mental breakdown every time she stutters and messes up her story. I asked for phone numbers - “you’re new, here’s my number if you need any help! - and my texts remain spare and ignored. This happened multiple times, until I realised I was acting retarded and scaring people.

Things have to repeat themselves for me to understand. For example, when a friend (I think - I don’t know) kept canceling on me just a day before, I didn’t understand. One time she said, “I don’t feel like this party is going to be fun”, second time she said, “Not feeling it.” This happened about four or five times until I understand that it’s me she doesn’t want to go out with. She has no problem hanging out if we’re in a group (or talking to me about her relationship problems), but she isn’t interested in one-on-one sessions. After I realised this I lost any desire to hang out with anyone as a group, and I have not seen her since.

I spent the last two birthdays alone, because, well, I’m retarded. Sometimes people say they like me and they laugh at things I say but I think they enjoy me like a delicacy. I’m a one-liner. It makes perfect sense that they wouldn’t mind me in a group setting - they wouldn’t go out of their way to invite me, but since I’m already here, why not? Sometimes I used to be really desperate, especially in the summer months when I had nobody to hang out with, and I’d talk to people and hint at wanting to go out, travel. They’d say that We Should Totally Do That One Time but I learnt a long time ago to not get my hopes up, because the fact they all made it a point to exclude you is clearer than empty-worded niceties. And unrelated, but I don’t think I’ve hugged a person in years.

I bought an instrument in August after having enough money to own one, and I told myself that I’d learn because I love music and want to be musician and learn music theory - I have practiced on the instrument exactly five times. Until something dumb happened, but it made my love for music feel icky and stupid, like a child’s whimsy. I’ve taken up programming in late 2020, early 2021 to be exact, and in between the times that I could actually get out of bed, I couldn’t stay long enough on my computer to get through one course. It’s really fun when I get to it, though. Yet it’s been more than a year and I’m still at the same place. It’s laughable. I’m so behind every one else. I’m so……late. Which reminds in me: in uni, there was this group project, and I went around and kept asking if anyone had room left for a spare member, and everyone said no. Later, when everyone had to write their group members names, I saw all of them had room for an extra member, kek.

I haven’t gone out with a friend since…October? I tried since then, and they invited me out once (because I was already there), but ignored me again. I’ve been home for weeks now. Back to being bed-bound. I don’t have the energy to do anything.

I've been reading a lot of psychology books.

Here is a great exercise for deconstructing a negative thought.

For example: the negative thought is I am dumb and it makes me feel defeated.

You should do this exercise 2-4 times a week. It won't cure you but it will help you stop negative thoughts in their track.

Link: https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ThoughtRecordSheet7.pdf

>>1026888
This looks very useful, thanks for sharing!

>>1026896

The site has plenty of other useful worksheets for things like depression, paranoia, and anger.

Here is the list of all downloadable worksheets:
https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/free-downloads-alphabetical-list-of-cognitive-models-formulations/

>>1026791
I'm sorry to hear all this. I can tell you've been trying really really hard, and I am genuinely proud of you. It's scary to start new things. It's scary to reach out to people. But you've done it. You already have an inner strength that you may not appreciate enough, and that's a great place to start, on just about anything.

Some of us just don't 'get' socialising so easily. We have to practice, look for cues, research, so much trial and error. Others just go in, fully comfortable, not second guessing themselves. So you will get tired. Feel defeated, out of place, wanting to stay in bed. It's understandable, it's hard being different, it's tiring to adjust to a world that often shuns you. You're already strong for trying despite it all.

What's important with socialising, is to not try to steer the conversation. It may feel safer to rehearse, but it often makes things unnatural. Match their energy, body language. Try to gauge how they're feeling, survey the situation before you jump in. Silence is ok, and you don't need to keep a conversation going forever. And ask questions, not just 'when' but like 'how would they react', or 'did it feel good considering (something they told you earlier". The book I'm going to mention goes into great detail on this.

These are all things I learned and applied. I used to 'ruin the vibe', or be 'annoying', but I have got better. I can talk to my neighbours now, and built a couple of bridges, so it does get better. You will get better, also. Sometimes, you need to hype yourself up. Take pride in your rampant autism. Practice embarrassing yourself as desensitisation. Try releasing all your autism deliberately.
Also, there are weird girls out there. You will know when you meet them, and you may understand each other, and be awkward together. You may bond over stuff like anime or video games, that was the case for me.

Also, there's a big that helped me a bunch, called 'Meaningful Small Talk' by Dan Chang. Invest your time in it, it describes the mechanics of socialisation, and where things may be going wrong. I cannot overstate how much it helped me.


Also, keep at it with your instrument. I gave up mine for a year, and came back to it(a little bit shit). But it gave me so much confidence to be able to play something, and hear the fruits of my labour. Instruments can open up uni opportunities, introduce you to other people (bands, parties), and it's great for your brain. Not just proven in studies, but I can vouch that after a full hour session on my instrument before a maths lesson, I picked up new concepts with much more ease, like my brain was more awake, and I felt much more grounded. So DO NOT give up on that. Say to yourself "one line of music", then I can watch five minutes of this movie. That's how I bribed myself. Start reading and playing your instrument daily, this will give you discipline to learn new things and strengthen your focus.


Lastly, it's really stupid of your friends to ignore you. They sound sucky, and sometimes, you just have to find your people. I'm assuming you're not in school, so it's harder to make friends, and people are notoriously flaky these days. But maybe in a language class you could find some friends? At church?

I hope you have friends in spring. Humans need interaction, and your situation is difficult, because it's hard to stay motivated when you're lonely and in a situation that depresses you. We need to make routines, treat our bodies well, reward ourselves, challenge ourselves. I'm a little lonely these days, but I think I solved the problem of why I was always the outsider, or the one left out, and even made friends with someone cool. You're going to make it. You're going up a steeper slope than everyone else, but that just means you're stronger. I'm rooting for you nonna.

>>1026791
>I saw all of them had room for an extra member, kek.
kek I’m sorry non ny. I really do hope things turn around for you, you sweet soul you.

how do I start to heal from childhood trauma and work on my mental health (Especially anxiety and intrusive thoughts)? As in, do I start reading some self help books, download workbooks or something else? I’ve completed one workbook for anxiety and it kinda helps but I was wondering what else everyone does to work on healing/ getting better? Atp I can’t afford a therapist nor am I comfortable enough to open up about my trauma.

>>1039658
Journaling is where a lot of my personal growth happens. No judgment, no time limit, stream of consciousness writing is a good way to face your trauma at your own pace and organize your thoughts about any other resources you're working through.
By the way, if you haven't come across it yet, The Body Keeps The Score is incredible. You can find it free on LibGen. Good luck anon ♥

>>1039681
>The Body Keeps The Score is incredible
Except for the part in the beginning where the author sympathizes with a Vietnam veteran who went on a civilian killing and raping rampage because his soldier friend got killed. 'Uwu how do we help him, he cannot just relax at home and is so traumatized, he cannot even speak to his wife about what he went through'
IDK how come everyone ignores that bs, I guess they don't read the book from the beginning to the end

>>1039684
>>1039684
Jesus fucking christ I'm not telling you to buy his merch, it's a book about trauma written by a psychiatrist. It's a clinical case study of an extreme situation to illustrate the extent of how trauma literally drives people crazy.
This knee-jerk
>ew this mental health professional didn't spit in a rapist's face, CANCELED
Is honestly what's keeping a lot of people down and stuck with their mental health. Try entertaining the thought that you can learn something from material you find uncomfortable.

>>634186
I'm that Terrible friend that makes plans and cancels two hours later come yell at me nonnies I know I'm toxic

>>1039743
fuck rapists, they deserve to suffer

>>1039743
IDK how much am I willing to trust the words of a psychiatrist that either has some screws missing, has a completely fucked up sense of empathy or worse. It really soured my opinion. I don't think it's easy to separate the art from the autist when the distasteful stance is right in the text that is supposed to help you out. How can you write something so tone deaf knowing that abuse victim (mostly women and children, aka the victims of the poor rapist) are the ones looking for help in the book? Swear the scrote could have just left that disgusting piece of information to himself.

>>1039743
You're the one who needs to calm down. I've read that first chapter and it's genuinely horrific, it's not at all out of left field for someone to say hey, maybe a book that starts out by sympathizing with a violent fucking rapist isn't necessarily the best place to turn. There are hundreds of other books out there which don't do this, rapists can get castrated for all I care. Somehow women go through things scrotes like that did and worse yet they don't murder children and rape people.

>>1039658
Maybe a workbook more focused around trauma specifically could be helpful? I like Healing the Trauma of Abuse by Dr. Harris and Mary Ellen Copeland, but everyone's experiences are different so maybe check out the intro/table of contents to see if it suits what you're addressing.

>>1039886
>How can you write something so tone deaf knowing that abuse victim (mostly women and children, aka the victims of the poor rapist) are the ones looking for help in the book?
I agree with this, have seen this book recommended for people dealing with trauma many times, and I've ran into the warning about forementioned thing completely by accident in a completely unrelated discussion. Yes, a psychiatrist has to have empathy and understanding of a mind of even most fucked up individuals, but putting this story in a spotlight in any context BUT especially the book that's clearly not targeted at veterans with PTSD is honestly revolting.

Nonas, how can I learn to want to get better? I keep self-sabotaging because I feel I don't have it as bad as other people. It's hard to think I'm deserving of help in the first place.

what are good ways to be better at speaking eloquently and being unapologetically myself confidently? Most say I come across as pretty confident but deep down I'm pretty sure I still have low self-esteem and I still struggle with finding words to explain myself sometimes. I've been following the whole 'fake it till you make it' advice for years but I just end up emulating the personalities of others who are confident instead of developing my own personality and be authentically myself in a confident manner. In short, I feel "fake" and unhappy.

>>1053329
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques by Matthew McKay. It helps change the way you internally talk to/about yourself and breaks down why you think you're unworthy. Once you realize your reasons are unfounded, it's easier to do nice things for yourself.

how do i stop being overly critical of others and accept them for who they are?

>>1064307
wrong website to ask that question kek

>>1064307
Look into the DBT skill of Non-judgmentalness. Picrel, here are the basics.

>>1064307
Wouldn't we all like to know

>>1064307
Work on getting rid of micromanaging tendencies, that's where it comes from. Too much desire for control, you overextend it to others. What do you fear if you let go?

Bumping this thread because I love the subject of self-improvement, and it is something I always want to push for, but last couple of years I've felt stuck and don't know how to work with myself so perhaps any good anons can help me out here.
I'm a sperg, and I've worked hard to be able to mask myself and I have been told that I'm doing it extremely well (finally reached the sense of "normalcy" I've been looking for).
However my biggest issue is that I'm a wallflower by nature, I'm not someone that stands out too much and even if I'm outgoing I feel like you can probably tell that I'm pushing myself. I'm plain in every possible way, only thing that stands out about me is my height and that I am supposedly very kind (what I've been told). Is there any way to make it more natural for me to leave an impression with people? To make it a natural flow to stay connected? I always worry about the hypothetical scenario of one day meeting someone I look up to and miss an opportunity to make a connection.

>>1414625
Anon, I feel you. I genuinely just can't talk to new people unless they talk to me first, and a lot of the time I still don't know what else to say other than the "obvious" thing. It took me a long time to figure this out, but that's okay. Friends are people you click with, and even if you have no friends and you only meet someone new every 1000 years (and you really wanna be friends with them) its okay to not click. Theres like, 8 billion other people. Realistically you'll meet maybe 1000ish more on a more-than-passing level. You're gonna find someone you end up vibing with. Just be friendly and make a genuine effort to listen (and preferably care) about what the other person is saying, even if they're telling you about how they really need your seat on the bus. I promise.

On that note, you might seem like the blandest person in the world, but you're interesting to someone. Give it time, be patient, be nice. You got this anon. You're doing great.

>>1414672
Thank you for the advice, and I'm happy someone relates. But I really don't want it to be like this even though I know that I perhaps should just accept this part of me. I just…genuinely want to change this awkward part of me. But this
>a lot of the time I still don't know what else to say other than the "obvious" thing
Hits home. Hard.
Idk I'm perhaps being unfair to myself, I come from an extremely outgoing family that has no issue making connections - same with most of my close friends. I feel like the odd one out a lot because of it (I know I sound like a child stomping my feet saying it's not fair, but I think you understand where I'm coming from and the frustrations with it). But I'm going to lean more into the listening part you mentioned, maybe I don't listen as much as I think I do and should reevaluate that as a start. Maybe I should even prop up the kindness I have as a strength more often.

Does anyone know how to improve your social life if you only want radical feminist friends? I want a better social life without compromising my principles

Has anyone who's posted in this thread seen an improvement at all?

Anyone have any good books or resources for being a better conversationist? I don't necessarily feel like I'm socially awkward but I do feel like I don't know what to say to people to keep a conversation going, when I try sometimes I can feel it coming out a bit forced. I'm usually a quiet person and I prefer silence if I just don't have anything to say but I'm starting to feel like a boring person. I do also rather be a bit more social than what I am right now.

>>1414692
Anon, everyone in my family is literally the most charismatic person anyone has ever met, if that makes sense. And then there's me.
A huge hurdle that helped me make connections is to lean into my own traits, even if I hated them. Like I've always wanted to be cool or interesting in a certain way, or to have certain personality traits, but once I just leaned into the traits I do know I have (even though I might prefer the other ones)(geez I hope I'm making sense) I noticed I started making a lot more connections with people I met even on a day-to-day basis.
Love yourself anon. You have strengths, even though they might not be the strengths you want. You're great, and when you know that it shows.

>>1415126
Bumping this thread, but if anyone could answer this nonna's question I'd be interested in the answer. I really would like to improve my social skills.

How to be more pleasant?

>>1415126
>>1938081
>I'm a quiet person & prefer silence, but sometimes it feels forced when I make conversation.
It'll feel forced for as long as you're uncomfortable in making light conversation or small-talk. Once you get more used to it, it won't feel as forced. To improve how we make small-talk, we've to practice it. Even though it may seem banal or weird, make more small-talk with the people you see in the world. Talk more to the storekeepers, the cab drivers, the people who wait with you for the bus, etc., over time you'll notice that you become more open and receptive to conversation. Conversation is an art form, and there's lots of books to help you out (it's weird but look for books recommended for people with social disorders like autism, usually they're the most helpful and concise in their methodologies) but some good rules to follow for small-talk are:
>Comment on the weather or recent news that's popular, e.g., sports happenings, entertainment industry buzz, local events, etc..
>Share something about your thoughts on those aforementioned topics, then ask a general and open-ended questions based on them, e.g., "Gee the weather is great, isn't it?" "Yeah it's really nice out!" "Got any plans to enjoy the sun while it lasts?"
>Keep it topical; share personal opinions or convictions for more personal conversation, i.e., in small-talk you just want to make observational remarks, e.g. "Swimming would be great in this weather" not "I'd hate to swim," or "Swimming is stupid, I'd much rather surf," etc..
>Avoid topics that are inflammatory; for reference these are politics, race, religion, and anything to do with money.
Making small-talk comes naturally to many people, so it's hard to give you concrete answers on how to improve your conversational skills. Over a while of practicing, you'll develop your own unique ways of holding conversation dependent on your own idiosyncrasies, humour, familiar topics, etc.. The best you can do is practice, because practice makes perfect.
>I'm starting to feel like a boring person, what can I do?
My rule of thumb is every person should keep up to date in some basic news stories that everyone has heard about, e.g., if there's been a crazy storm lately, any concerts happening in town, etc; some topics that you can talk about for a while, like your interests or hobbies, to fall back on; as well as some new things you've experienced or done, e.g., a new restaurant you've tried, a new movie you've seen, etc.. My advice is really basic but I wanted to try and throw a bone out there, but really my true advice is to buy a self-help book about conversation skills because they're loads more helpful.

>>1938137
NAYRT but can you give an example of a specific book to try? there are lots out there so while i don't mind studying the subject, i'm feeling overwhelmed by choice (also a poorfag so i don't want to waste my money on a book that isn't worthwhile.)

>>1938872
>also a poorfag so i don't want to waste my money on a book that isn't worthwhile.
Just pirate whatever you're interested in anon

So I'm well into my second semester of uni and know no one at all (don't live on campus in a dorm). I know there's still plenty of time left but I feel like if I don't actively try to make change it probably won't get any better. I just go to my classes and leave, even when I get myself to say something to whoever is next to me (which is uncomfortable) it never goes beyond that. I've even tried going to a few clubs but haven't had much luck (although that might just be due to the nature of the clubs I've tried so far, because they've just been clubs where someone will give some presentation and people talk about it as it happens, but they haven't lead to much. But the clubs that aren't like that are stuff like video games club which I've mostly lost interest in since taking self-improvement more seriously, but I guess maybe I should do it solely for socialization? I feel like the types of people who are in video games clubs would be not the type of people I want to be friends with but maybe I'm being stuck-up.). Before you ask, yes, I go to several of their meetings, but I have hardly made any progress.

Also is there any advice for specific places to go to try to find people who are actually interesting and enjoyable to interact with or is it just a matter of talking to a bunch of people until someone sticks?

>>1938099
Say hi to people, smile if you make eye contact, don't complain about anything ever (but do politely agree or show sympathy if someone else does)… idk what your issue is, would have to know when and where you want to be more pleasant. Above all else; have good hygiene.

Do people still have dinner parties? If so, how do you plan and execute a successful party that people will enjoy?

How do you learn how to insert yourself in conversations with new people?
I'm shy and quiet by nature so whenever I meet new people I just end up sitting quietly while everyone else talks around me. I feel stupid because I want to join in but my head is literally empty and I don't know what to say most of the time. It feels like watching a movie, I just enjoy hearing it all but my mind has no thoughts that it should contribute to the plot. I wonder if growing up reading and watching movies (instead of irl interactions) made me this way to some degree.

The few times I can think of something to say the conversation moves on so fast I missed the opportunity because the others just won't shut up. I wish they'd ask me questions so I know when to answer and that it's "my turn" but that never happens, they just keep talking.

>>2067046
Prepare a casserole the day before so all you have to do is reheat the casserole in the oven. It sucks to be cooking all night while everyone else has fun, so prepare things ahead of time. Don’t over complicate your meal and make courses. A good pasta casserole works great.

Think about the people you invite carefully - think about whose personalities would mesh well. Who might like sitting next to each other? Start small, I invited 3 people over. If they offer to bring food, let them, people like feeling like they’re helping. Make sure beforehand the plates and utensils you’re using will be clean so you don’t have to clean them during the event. After that, serve food and just enjoy talking to your friends. It’s pretty straightforward! If you need help on dinner topic conversations, I’d say to keep it light, avoid controversial or disgusting topics. After you’ve eaten, someone might offer to help you wash dishes - you can let them if you want, they probably just want to talk to you a little more and want to help out somehow. If the guests are staying too late, gently kick them out by going “wow! Sorry guys, it’s a little late for me and I gotta get ready for work/school tomorrow. But it’s been so much fun and thank you for coming!” This politely lets everyone know that it’s time to go. Good luck nonna, I threw a dinner party and it was a blast, just do work like cooking beforehand so you spend time with your friends and not in the kitchen like I did

>>1941661
When you're picking classes for your next semester, maybe consider seeing if you can find any smaller classes? Like really niche tutorials. The smaller the class is the more you're forced to talk to and get to know people. Very niche interests in general tend to be better for getting to know people ime. Also, competitive activities or foreign language classes were really good for meeting people when I was a student.
Also, don't be afraid to make the first move when it comes to making friends. Not just talking, but if someone mentions they like or interested in something look for a chance to share it with them. For example, maybe they are always drinking a specific brand of coffee. Ask what they recommend, compliment their taste, see if they want to grab some with you right after class. If you find out they have a specific hobby then it's even easier. Like if you see they were listening to jazz or something you say that there's a jazz bar you've been wanting to go to and you need someone to go with you.

Oh also, one of the best ways to find people to hang out with is to just ask them what they did/will do over the weekend and then reply
>oh wow that sounds super fun! mind if I tag along sometime?

Overall, just try to communicate to people that you enjoy being around them and are interested in what they have to say. We live in a lonely era so most people are desperate for connection.

t. former friendless loser that now has trouble making room in my schedule for people

>>2067074
maybe try planning out some things you want to say in advance? Like conversation starters or thoughts on topics that come up a lot. Or just focus on finding smaller groups to talk to.

I’d really like to try to welcome other women into my life because I don’t have any friends at all and haven’t for a few years, but I’m trying to be more open to others because I know that hiding and being closed off will make me sicker

>>2067074
I empathize with you because if I'm ever in a conversation with more than 5 people, I usually become lost too kek. I think some people just have a preference for talking and others listening. Here are some tips I've learned over time:
>I'm shy and quiet by nature so whenever I meet new people I just end up sitting quietly while everyone else talks around me.
A lot of communication is non-verbal. In conversation, before the next person speaks usually they'll communicate that by smiling, cocking their head, opening their mouth, etc., so the others know they want to speak next. If you're shy and your body language expresses an apprehension or disinterest in speaking, people will notice that and they won't leave much room for you to speak.
>I'm shy and quiet by nature so whenever I meet new people I just end up sitting quietly while everyone else talks around me.
Research the style of "active listening," instead of just being silent and hearing what the others are saying to you, pepper in remarks and cues while they talk that demonstrate you're interested in the conversation and that you're actively engaged with it. Even if you aren't saying much, a lot of people appreciate an active listener and you'll feel more involved and invested in the conversation.
>I wish they'd ask me questions so I know when to answer and that it's "my turn"
Usually when people are conversing, they don't feel the need to say "oh and what about you?" or "do you have anything to add?" they just sort of expect you to share your thoughts on the matter by nature of having a conversation. It's up to you to share your voice. Even if you feel like you "missed your chance," and the topic has moved on, you can always say "hey, what you said earlier reminded me of this" or some variant thereof.

I want more friends but all of the women here are normies or worse pickmes. How do you actually find quality female friends?

>>2069107
Most people are normies, nonna. But there are fun and cool normies mixed in with the basic and stupid normies. Look for people based on your interests and just get to know them. You'll be surprised, some women you write off as dumb normies might be hiding a "dark past" that's actually really interesting. They'll just never tell you on the first (or even the fifth) meeting.

>>2069107
i don’t think having a normie friend makes them low quality nonny, maybe try giving them a chance they could be a lot of fun! at least i’m a normalfag and i think i’m fun kek

>>2069107
If you're so judgemental that you think all normie women don't make quality friends, maybe you're not a quality friend yourself.

>>2069410
If you're a normie what are you doing here? I seriously doubt you are one.

I refuse to be friends with any woman who is dating or having sex with a moid. Lesbians or celibates only.

>>2069605
nta but some of us choose to LARP as normies to make it easier for us in the world.

I want to make friends but I live in a city where all of the women have trooned out. Sigh

>>2069605
oh my sincerest apologies nonie i had no idea /ot/ was a quirky manic pixie dream girl exclusive board

>>2069606
Based. Women who have moid boyfriends only bring issues.

>>2070024
this doesn’t really make sense. why would women who are in relationships with men be unworthy of a friendship with other women?

>>2069994
nta, but why would you be here instead of like, hanging out with friends or driving a car or whatever

>>2070131
nta but you wouldn't get it since it sounds like you're one of those women.

>>2068375
>Research the style of "active listening," instead of just being silent and hearing what the others are saying to you, pepper in remarks and cues while they talk that demonstrate you're interested in the conversation and that you're actively engaged with it. Even if you aren't saying much, a lot of people appreciate an active listener and you'll feel more involved and invested in the conversation.
Thanks nona, I read this before going out with a friend so I tried it out and I think it helped! Granted this was just one person I already knew, but it felt like good practice

>>2070140
why are women who have husbands or boyfriends not attractive friends in your mind? first women with boyfriends are called weird when they don’t have any female friends, but then you purposefully choose to not be friends with a woman who happens to be in a relationship?

Any anger issue nonas out there? In my early 20’s I was a wall-kicker because I would get to angry I just felt like I’d explode. I’ve shifted to one big good scream when I feel explosive now, but recent life events have placed a lot of stress on me and I kicked a wall the other day. What do you do to manage? Do you always have heightened anger or does it dull? I think it’s legitimate to be angry about life and it’s a useful emotion but I don’t want to destroy my surroundings.

>>2092224
Sage for samefag because I actually fucking hate where I’m living and do want to destroy my surroundings but I shouldn’t and it would cause more problems for me.

>>2092224
Get a kick boxing bag. Then you're releasing your energy and getting more fit. But learn how to kick first so you don't accidently break your shin.

I wish there was a way for me to be less dodgy and awkward, it's not like I'm as bad as I used to be, but I just find it so hard to either get back out and contact the people I know or find outlets to meet new ones. My city is pretty boring and almost all the meetup groups don't really have a lot of things tailored to my interests. I want to stop being in my own head so much, I got hired on at a job and it's been better for my social health, but I have no idea how I could proposition my coworkers to do anything. I consider myself to be such an uninteresting shit pile that I feel like I'd botch things immediately. Augh I need to stfu with the self sabotaging BS

>>2092224
i asked this question in stupid questions and one nonna suggested squeezing metal massage balls when mad >>2085722

>be me, insufferable bpd/sperg whatever spiteful hateful retard
>be tired of being alone and do yet another effort to make friends
>befriend coworker girl
>hang out a couple of times and its nice
>she tells me how she cheats on her "FWB" in one week, then refers to him as "boyfriend" in another week guy situationship
>neither of them obviously love each other and they just use each other for sex
>tells me how she let a random guy on a festival do anal to her and went the next day to her "bf" and let him do anal as well
>"since it was already open"
>keep trying to give her advice and to break up and not do anything with any moids until she heals her insecurities
>sleeps with a 30yo old dude that has a gf instead

I just can't stand her if I'm honest, am I judgemental and isolating myself for wanting to not be her friend anymore?

>>2092483
Ah, you befriended a BPDchan. Classic behavior on both your part and hers. No, she won't listen. No, she's not necessarily an awful human being, but she's very mentally ill and nothing she does will make any sense. Give up on helping her and see if that makes it more tolerable to hang out with her.

>>2092483
to be honest, bpd attracts bpd. You've probably just been through some stuff and needed to be heard and loved and helped, but didn't become a trainwreck from it. I usually make friends with people like this because they judge less, but you just have to not trust them, but wish the best for them. For some reason, a lot of the time, they have blessings coming into their life after hanging out with me for a while. I know that sounds arrogant, but they will find a loving partner and settle, or suddenly get gifted money, or find friends, whilst cherishing our friendship, and becoming less spiteful. Maybe I'm just schizo or arrogant lol, but I'm always hoping and imagining the best for those people, and it seems to work!
Anyway. Keep distance. Don't confide, but enjoy the company, try to love them, and you know how the grapevine works, it's easier to meet other people if you know others first.