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I'm the anon that suggested a thread like this, thank you for making it! I still have lots of things to work with, but so far, this has worked out for me
Sharing the same environment with people similar to my age and context (it's easier relating to people similar to you), for example, taking language classes. Geting myself out there, making myself visible by being active and present. Starting conversations (and following them) and paying attention to them and their reactions. As long as you look decent, are respectful and smile, you'll be more than okay.
>changing personality for better
Changing the unhealthy habits for better ones, for example: Instead of grabbing the phone as soon as I wake up, I lift the curtains and get out of my bed. I strongly recommend reading about how habits work.
I'm trying to not be online so often (probably the best thing I could do for myself) and inmerse myself in things like cooking, reading, going for a walk or being with my family and friends. My direct reality is rather nice, thankfully, so I'm trying to be present in the real world more and more.
On another note, being an empathetic, positive and thoughtful person, has been great for my relationships. I used to be someone who felt absolute everything was a burden, and was extremely negative about it all. But now I'm, more often than not, the opposite and can enjoy all the small and big things of life.
Being in nature also makes me feel very at ease and happy.
>plans for improving your life
I really want to lose some fat that I've carried since puberty and made me extremely insecure and anxious of people seeing my body, resulting in me declining initiations to do fun things and meet new people, so I'll start working out, I don't care about a goal weight or an ideal shape, I just want to feel strong and confident. I need to upgrade my nutrition, I can get very lazy and I end up not eating balanced. I also want to decrease even more my online (wasted) time. I also really want to start learning new things, such as playing an instrument and dance, but for that I'll have to develop discipline, also needed to reach my academic goals.
All in all, I'm trying to get over all my self-destructive behaviours.
Good luck to anyone reading this!
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(sorry shit english not my native language)
I feel like this could be a really interesting thread! I’ve been working on self-improvement, here’s the backstory: from age 11-18 i was extremely, ugly, sad all the time, didnt put any effort into anything and even if i had friends i would feel so alone and i hated meeting new people bc i assumed everyone would hate me and find me ugly, went full dark sasuke mode in hs and avoided hanging out with anyone.
Now I’m going into my 4th years of college and during all these years I’ve learned a lot about self and social improvement. I did pretty much all the things you shouldn’t do so here’s some of the tips i learned thru the years:
>Stop acting like a background character .
This means: take care of yourself, clean your room, have a skincare routine, pay attention to yourself , do makeup, earn money by yourself, hit the gym. IK it sounds basic asf to say that, but that the truth, organising your life and taking time for yourself if often the first step to self-improvement. Be clear about what you expect from life and relationships, how you want to be, how you want to be perceived, how you see urself in 1 month, 1, 5, or 10 years.
Start doing « active » things like doing a sport, learning an instrument, writing, drawing, doing your nails or whatever. Be active! I know it’s hard to get this lifestyle, but once you start to get it, you’ll know how good it is and you’ll never want to give it up. The hardest part is starting it.
>Get some self-respect!
This is extremely important. I’ve always been acting a way too nice with everyone and never asked for anything in return because i wanted people to like me but also not to seem annoying and rude. It got me into a lot of suffering because I was willing to do so much for people who would lie to me and treat me like shit.
Focus ur kindness & ur time for people who are really worth it
>Stop comparing yourself
I know that a lot of girls do that, but stop looking at wolfiecindy and madisson beer’s insta. It will do nothing but just destroy your self esteem because you’ll feel like shit, instead, go follow girls that looks like you or that have the style you want and think you can achieve. Don’t have too unrealistic expectations. Insta account like s0cialmediavsreality can help too
This also goes for ppl you know IRL, accept that you will never be them.
Instead of self-pitying, try to understand what you like about this, person, and try to imitate that (in a subtle and personal way ofc) Like, what do you admire? The way she dresses? Start to build your own style too. How many friends she has? Work on yourself to socialize more. The fact that she travels so much? Find a work and pay you that Greece trip you always wanted.
Ofc we’re not born equal, and some of the things you struggle so much with seems so easy for them. Accept it, move on and focus on yourself
>Remember that people are human and never idolize anyone
For so many years. I was basically terrorised by popular, confident and loud girl, i would feel extremely shy and insecure around them. During my 1st year of college, for some random reasons i became really close friend with basically the class’s most popular and intimidating girl. Once I got to know her, I realized she was an extremely insecure, broken girl and that she actually didn’t had real friends.
Afterwards, I started to more easily hang out with hot, «popular » girls and I realized that , in fact, most of them are really alone; often sad. (Same goes for guys! )
>If sometimes you feel like you don’t fit in: it’s okay!
Not everyone has to like you! My first 2 years of college i wanted to have a « squad » so I started hanging out with normies and they didn’t get my personality, my sense of humor and it was SO depressing because I just felt like I was a weirdo and that i was shit.
I cut ties with them, and now I realize how pathetic & cringe they were and how I was the smarter bad bitch this whole time.
>You’re a blessing not a burden
I once heard a french youtuber talking about her crush who didn’t care at all about her at first and saying that she still shot her shot because if she liked him, there’s no reason that he wouldn’t like her back. It really made me think and now this is a mindset i apply everytime i meet someone.
Ofc it’s not always going to be reciprocated, but there’s no reason not to try. And if they don’t like you, don’t think about how horrible u are, but more about how sad for them it is not to have you in their life.
>Accept you can make mistakes
You are going to fail, things are not always going to end up how you wanted.
You are going to learn from this failure, and that’s how you will progress. Stop overthinking and just act. Never stop trying.
>Never put yourself down
I used to have very awkward and dry convos with some guy i had an hard crush, we had nothing to discuss about i would cry at night because i thought i was doing something wrong, i felt like the worst. But turns out he was just a boring guy that wasn’t very smart. If you are in an awkward social interaction, it’s as much your fault’s as the other person.
>Don’t rely on male validation
Sadly for a lot of us ex-uggos we really crave for male validation. Bc i didn’t have any of that in high school, when boys started to get so nice with me i thought that they were all falling in love or something. But remember that no one will never be as nice to you as a guy that wants to fuck you. Also, don’t be too flirty, that’s sometimes can ruin your reputation and how you are percieved, I was a way too flirty and people thought i was a hoe even tho i was a virgin at that time.
>Prioritize deep relationship with few people rather than wanting to be popular
Like I’ve said before, I really wanted to have that « college squad » but i barely knew anyone of them and i was never truly happy even if i went to big ass parties with a lot of ppl.
Now I only talk with people that truly interest me and that I truly want to hang out with. I’ve had much more fun with comfy parties with only 5 people that 30+ parties.
Honestly, most people are shit and mean (even tho for this i think it’s mostly because of the city I live in) and you’re a random person to them. The more you hangout with ppl, the less true relationships you’ll have have and in the end you will feel alone.
>DGAF about what other will think
Honestly for SO SO many years I’ve stopped myself into doing things i wanted like dressing how i want, talking to my crush… Even posting insta pic ect because i was afraid of what people will think.
I even lied about stuff like losing my virginity so i would appear « cool »
Even if it’s still hard sometimes, now i just embrace who I am, what I do, what I like, the mistakes I made…
There’s always going to be someone who dislike you, so don’t pander to everyone and just stay true to yourself
Here’s an anecdote a girl told me one day, and I often think about it: She’s had sex when she was 13, and her middle school’s main bully came up to her and asked her if she really had sex, she answered « yeah, so what » and the girl didn’t know what to say. Even if people trash talked afterward, she owned what she did, there was no that much backlash and people liked her because of how honest she was.
People will assume you’re weak and that’s how they can hurt you. If you appear strong, they will not bothers.
>Better to have remorse than regret
Don’t be afraid to socialize!
That guy you like? Go talk to him.
That girl you think is so cool? Answer one of her story !
I didn’t wanted to talk about love but more about general social interactions, but I’ve never had a boyfriend because I was so afraid he wouldn’t like me, afraid he would make fun of me, ect ect
I avoided every contact, and I would rather have them think I hated them than them having the
Thing is: it’s okay to have a crush, it’s okay if it doesn’t work out. It doesn’t mean that u are shit, it’s just mean that you were not made for each other. And nobody will make fun of you for liking someone.
I wasted 2 years of my life waiting for my crush to talk to me, I somehow managed to become « buddy » with him, but i couldn’t even look at him right in the eyes. One night i was drunk and he used me for sex in a very sneaky way. I hurted me so much, i didn’t even had any pleasure i only did it for him to like me (NEVER WORKS!!!)
Now I’m having a flirt with a man that is basically my dream guy, I talked to him as if I was talking to a friend and made it clear that I liked him and now we are supposed to have a date!!
>The most cliché thing ever but be yourself !
Improving your personality is something, but pretending to have one that isn’t really yours is something else. If people dont like your real personality just move on.
Also here’s some tips to have a nicer personality
>Don’t be too loud
>Don’t be too noisy
>Don't act like someone ur not
>Be nice to insecure and shy people
>Avoid the drama
>Don’t trashtalk too much
and a nicer life
>do what YOU want
>take things lightly
Having role models can really help you!
Lastly, don’t believe the « nobody can change!!! » bullshit , u can and u will.
Again sorry for my bad english and sperging about my life so much but i wanted to share my experience. It was very focused on how socializing and i hope it isnt too out of topic. It’s nice to get this all out and I hope my mistakes will help you girls. I’m still on my journey, and deep down im still etremely insecure, but i’m working and I know i will have a good life one day
Every tip here is amazing! But this one really resonated with me:>Remember that people are human and never idolize anyone
It reminded me of the phrase "I am human and I think that nothing human is alien to me" by the playwright Terence. Understanding this made me feel less anxious around people, we are all different, but we're still humans and have our virtues and weaknesses, and chances are, we're all looking for the exact same things. You have to refuse to be intimidated by these differences
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My simple advice for making friends is to ask people out to do stuff. You have nothing to lose. If you're worried about how it makes you look, just think about how you'd view it from the other side. "Ew, this woman politely asked if I'd like to join her for x event"? Unlikely. You might feel bad about declining or self conscious if you're not interested for whatever reason, but you likely wouldn't think poorly of her at all. So go for it.
If you casually know someone and have been able to find a couple common interests, just say, "Hey so-and-so, I was planning to go to this class/cafe/shop/movie/whatever this weekend. Would you want to come? No worries if you're busy." If they say no, it's fine. If they say yes, you might get to know them better and develop a good friend. All the most popular people I know are always doing stuff and organizing events. They're not waiting around for other people to make things happen, they're taking action themselves. Asking people to do things makes them feel important and valued, so even if nothing comes of it, they'll likely think better of you. Some people are just shitty friends and won't reciprocate or ask you out in turn, but others will pick up their game when they see you're interested. Those are the ones worth following up with.
I know it's hard to do this sort of thing during COVID, but you can still have small meet-ups at your house, a local park, whatever locations are open in your area, etc. In fact since people are so starved for contact right now, as long as they're not fully socially isolating, your chances will likely be higher for getting a yes!
I’m going to write this down on a piece of paper and read it everyday.
Thanks anon, you have a cute way of expressing yourself.
This is exceptionally true> i thought i was doing something wrong, i felt like the worst. But turns out he was just a boring guy that wasn’t very smart. If you are in an awkward social interaction, it’s as much your fault’s as the other person.
Wrong thread for this, bud. >>636352>My simple advice for making friends is to ask people out to do stuff.
You're right. There's not much else to say about it, but all of the rest of what you said was so nice and helpful! When I split with my live-in partner of 3 years, I had NO friends and was lonely. I had to ask other people to hang out all the time, and eventually, it became mutual and reciprocal. Now my life is rich with really incredible friends and loved ones. But it's also so important to do the things you want to by yourself and cultivate that confidence. I believe in all of you, anons!
This is good advice.
For any fellow awkward anons who worry about awkward pauses, a movie or activity is a really good option. No pressure to talk during a movie, and an activity creates an easy atmosphere of enjoyment where talking comes naturally. Theme parks are great if you both happen to like something like roller coasters or mini golf, or perhaps a painting class with wine (these are super fun!).
Sadly, that kinda stuff isn't happening right now with Covid, but something to keep in mind for your future buddies.
>>634710>Also here’s some tips to have a nicer personality>Don’t be too loud>Don’t be too noisy
My problem is the opposite: I just can't talk. Like literally nothing, if I wouldn't live with my family I could likely go a week without speaking at all, sometimes I'm even feeling unable to say something to my parents and with others it's of course a million times worse, I'm so nervous that I can't finish sentences correctly and sometimes I even stutter.
How do I do that, getting closer to others, asking others out? I never even manage to get to such a stage, the most I usually do is a simple Hello, I'm… and then I'm frantically thinking of what to say, but there's nothing coming out of my mouth.
I'm also tall with a rbf, so people don't get that I'm shy and just think I'm an ass.
The other anon might be right about anxiety, but with no shade intended, do you think very often? Do you have an inner monologue going on about your life and topics you ponder and all that? I used to think I had nothing interesting to contribute to conversations, but eventually I realized it wasn't that I had nothing to say, but that I didn't think my thoughts were worth sharing. When I realized that 90% of anything anyone says is just a bunch of mindless blathering (lol) to communicate their internal dialogue, externally, then I felt that it was okay for me to do the same. And surprisingly, not everyone thought I was stupid or weird, but appreciated my unique perspective.
It might sound kind of silly, but if you need practice, start to verbalize your thoughts aloud. See if you can vocalize a stream of consciousness about something you've read, an interest or piece of media you like, etc. Pretend you're streaming or recording a video. Just do it offhand and see how long you can go. You might surprise yourself. Of course you'll need to ask other people questions and things too, but my problem was that I'd get in the habit of asking a bunch of questions and end up sounding like an interviewer rather than a friend. You want to be able to share your opinions as well, and you likely have a lot more to say than you realize.
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How do I go about changing my attitude to basically the polar opposite?
For the longest time I've been pessimistic and apathetic about life in general. Things just sort of happen to me I feel like I don't really control them. I've recognized that my core beliefs are that I am unloveable, I deserve to be unhappy, I can't do anything right, and that I am uninteresting, among other things. Also I lack enthusiasm for anything. If I hang out with my friends, I am upbeat for like 2 days then I go back into my dark place. Do I just start mantra-ing to myself that I am an interesting, talented, etc human being and that life is worth living? Would that help at all?
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I'm glad it helped anon! It took me a long time to realize I wasn't boring and lacking personality. When I started talking to myself like a weirdo I found I could ramble with the best of them. Felt kind of freeing, really. Good luck to you!>>637128>I am unlovable, I deserve to be unhappy, I can't do anything right
I was here not so long ago and still relapse sometimes, but thankfully I'm in a better place now, and I believe you can be too. My issue with this: >Do I just start mantra-ing to myself that I am an interesting, talented, etc human being
was that my self confidence was so nonexistent that doing the whole self affirmation thing felt like a complete and utter lie. Like, you have to have some
level of self love for it to work, and I didn't, so it failed me.
What did help was CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It's the same thing a therapist would typically work with you on, but if you want to put the effort in, you can do it solo. I have my reasons for not wanting to pay/see a shrink, so I ordered a workbook I've mentioned in some other threads (https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985
) and started pushing through the exercises. It really helps you see yourself in a more objective way and start breaking down damaging beliefs.
One of the most shocking things I learned was along the lines of: "Your value is not determined by what you can do or provide for other people, but in your existence itself. Your life is a result of a million coincidental factors that just so happened to come together to create you, and that
is valuable. You do not have to do anything but be yourself to be 'worthy' of happiness." I started to cry when I read that. I had literally never heard anything like it before, or if I had, I didn't believe it until then. I always thought I had to accomplish great things, always put other people's needs first, always give and give to be worth anything at all. But here was a psychologist (indirectly) telling me that those beliefs were harmful and not based in reality, that I should be "allowed" to be happy just because I'm alive. It was simple and mind blowing, and sad I hadn't been able to see it for so long. I think following a process like CBT can really help to reorganize your thought patterns, and get you to the point where self affirmations actually are viable.
>>636603>do you think very often? Do you have an inner monologue going on about your life and topics you ponder and all that?
Yes I do, pretty much constantly. A couple days ago I caught myself making up a conversation with my mother in my head - while actually sitting next to her and not talking to her. And it's not even like I'm doing practice talks on things I plan to say later, I'm basically just daydreaming 24/7, fantasizing about an alternative reality in which I actually talk to the people around me.
My father and my brother are always talking to themselves and I always thought that it's a positive thing that I'm at least not doing that but maybe I should really try saying things out aloud more.
>I realized that 90% of anything anyone says is just a bunch of mindless blathering (lol) to communicate their internal dialogue, externally
But I can't help but feel like my thoughts are much more lame than others, I'm scared that people are weirded out by my version of "small talk".
nayrt but holy shit, anon I wish I had you as my irl friend because you sound amazing! This is the kind of advice I've been looking for but never really figure out how to ask for it, so I hope keeping these things in mind will give me a push in the right direction!
Though, one of my bigger issues is that I have very shitty self-confidence and while I'm outgoing in spirit I put a lot of pressure on myself on being interesting and witty despite not having any charisma whatsoever (I come from a very outgoing and witty family that naturally attracts people but I still somehow managed to turn into an introvert, but I've managed to turned it around quite a bit so far) so I come off as pretty awkward instead. How do you handle that?
That's great! It sounds like you have a lot to contribute that you've just been keeping to yourself. I was/am the same way. I daydream and think so much that I sometimes miss things that are literally sitting right in front of me. I've just tried to express my thoughts more often when I'm around other people. Sometimes you end up hitting on something that they've been thinking but didn't know how to verbalize themselves, so it helps them too. >I'm scared that people are weirded out by my version of "small talk".
Some people might think it's weird, but that's okay. We might not be everyone's cup of tea, even if there's nothing outright "offensive" about us. Making friends is a lot like dating in that regard, where you might like a person just fine, but for whatever reason you don't click. Not everyone has to love you. But at least by sharing more of yourself, you give people the opportunity to connect with you where they wouldn't have known you were similar before. If someone is judgmental towards you, that often indicates they have some a personal issue that they're unable to address, and they're using you as a sort of scapegoat. Those aren't people worth associating with in the first place, so it's good they weed themselves out!
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That's really kind of you to say anon, thank you. I still have a lot to work on but it makes me happy that I can be helpful. I wish we could be friends irl too. I don't really have anyone to talk about self improvement with and it's hard for me to trust others sometimes.
I think you might be being too hard on yourself regarding how you come across. Sometimes what's awkward to one person is charming and unique to another. I've found that it may be an issue with the company you keep having their own hang-ups that makes them see other people as "odd" because they're not actually comfortable with themselves. But - if you recognize that you actually are saying things that aren't expressed in a clear way, or coming across as anxious when you want to put other people at ease, it's something that can be trained just like any skill. We often see charismatic people as those who are "born with it," but in fact a lot of them have really worked on it and gotten better at socializing through trial and error even if they're not conscious of it.
There's a really good series of YT videos that teach social skills and break down what exactly makes people charismatic. They even use celebrities and interviews and that sort of thing to show people what "works" about their social skills. You should check it out if you're interested! The channel is Charisma on Command. They have a featured video right now precisely on how to be charismatic as an introvert. https://www.youtube.com/user/charismaoncommand
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There are a few things that might make it easier for you to brainstorm. The first is to know your suggestions don't have to be super original. Think back on things other people have done and just repeat them with a slight variation (liked it when a friend got everyone together for movies and board games? pick some of your own favorites and invite people). Otherwise, look up things to do in your city and figure out what places are open despite COVID. Some of these will hopefully look interesting to you, and you can ask your boyfriend or other people to visit them together. If you're really struggling, look up generic "date ideas" online. All of them may not be viable right now, but they'll at least give you some ideas of where to start.
Here are some thoughts (I'm framing these as things to do with your bf, but you could adapt for friends too):
* Movie night: Pick a recipe you and your bf can make together then watch something new
* Hiking: Look up pretty hikes in the area, pack a lunch and head out. Take some cool photos together.
* Games: Play board games or video games (even better if you can find something new). To add a little spice, tell your bf that you both need to bet something. Could be a cheap little care package, could be an activity (like the winner gets a massage or loser cooks for the night).
* Classes: Fitness, dance, cooking, painting and other art/crafts, music, whatever. Might have limited in-person options due to COVID, but you can suggest an online one if necessary. Buy a simple online tutorial and the materials needed and tell your bf you want to try it together. Get some booze to share while you're doing it.
* Do something charity-related together. You'll have to check out specifics regarding your location, but you might be able to help out at a food bank, I think Habitat for Humanity is resuming builds, you could write letters to kids for Save the Children.
This was mentioned in the past but fits into the hiking idea >>638626
provided: geocaching. You can do it wherever you want, it will make even the walks in your own neighbourhood more exciting and will motivate you to go out.
Great addition! I've found a lot of cool areas I had no clue were <5 min away from me due to geocaching and certain apps. Like when Pokemon Go came out I ended up wandering over to a super cool park and even a fitness center with unique stuff (aerial classes, rock climbing). There are a lot of ways to make fitness more exciting, like Zombies, Run! (https://zombiesrungame.com
) where it turns running into a game where you have to rush away from zombies and gather supplies, rather than mindlessly plodding along. It's a fun thing to do with others, too.
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Your english is fine and I'm glad you posted this. Thank you, anon.
Anyone have recommendations for "girly" movies about self-improvement? I find them super motivating (and relaxing) but I can't think of any other than Legally Blonde and Black Swan.
Maybe trying different things and doing things on your own? Resolving conflicts and experiencing things by yourself are great ways to be more in tune with yourself. I also recommend journaling, it's a very therapeutic way of communicating and sharing your own thoughts and reflections with yourself.
For example: Try an activity you haven't done yet, or maybe you have, but with other people that might have infuenced on your reactions and later sit down and truly reflect on how you were feeling, if you liked it, if you didn't, etc. And this can apply to other things, such as interests, people and stuff such as films, music, etc.
Hopefully it was helpful, good luck!
You consider Black Swan to be a girly movie about self improvement?? Are you confusing it with another movie that isn't horrifying?
And for recs… I like sports/dance movies personally because they usually include some combo of friendship and improving at whatever sport it is, eg>Stick It>Bring it On>Whip It>Bend it like Beckham>Center Stage>Blue Crush>Honey>>640351
I love the House Bunny, it's cute.
Talk to children more.
Every parent of small child I know overexplains things to everyone around them, that manner of talking just becomes second nature.