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File: 1591474790275.png (126.14 KB, 347x380, puddin.png)

No. 141299

previous thread: >>>/g/49363

Discuss your shitty brain here.

No. 141301

>>If you really just wanna get in and get out, just ask for help on the behaviors that make others call you out. It's a losing game for chronically depressed/mentally ill for most of their life to to to therapy to Get Better. It's unfortunately a meme. Just get enough to function
Well, it's tough advice but it sounds fair. I'll stick to the normie stuff.
Ngl, I still kinda want to see his normie reaction to this shit for the sheer entertainment, tho.

No. 141302

There’s like > 100 posts left in old thread

No. 160424

Does therapy work? I always see it brought up in cow threads, "you need therapy".
Do they give you practical advice or is it just "look on the bright side" bs?

No. 160430

No, not really. It ranges from actively making your problems worse to empty platitudes. Confide in friends instead, the type who will support you, listen actively, and tell you the truth even if it might hurt to hear it.

No. 160433

I had therapy that was specifically for child sex abuse and it was life changing. Previous attempts at just general therapy hadn't been massively helpful but as soon as I specifically hunted down that service I knew why general talk therapy just wasn't cutting it for me.

It really depends on what your issue is and finding the right service to cater to it. If it's chemical/clincal depression then I've heard therapy has minimal effect

No. 160434

In my personal experience I'd say it works.While not in an ideal state,I'm much better than the first time I got my first depressive shock and I got over few of my phobias even tho I'm still very anxious.I'd say it depends on the person who treats you.

No. 160449

If you find the right one, are honest, and willing to put in the work, yes, Yes it does. >>160430 Bad advice.

No. 160450

Unless it’s for some specific trauma, no. I was in therapy from ages 8-18 for depression and debilitating anxiety and it never once helped me. It just became me trying to make my therapist laugh because I was pretty good at it. But at that point they should have been paying my parents for the entertainment lol.

No. 160466

Bad advice.

It can be a little bit difficult to find the right therapist who utilizes the school of psychology that is useful for your condition + is a good fit for you as a person BUT therapy is excellent. It's a bit like finding the right partner for romance. Some people luck out with their first therapist, some have to keep looking for a while. Once you find a good fit you're gonna do amazing though.

No. 160489

It just made me feel pitied which i hate. It was for anxiety. Talking helped more than the actual therapy techniques.

No. 160499

File: 1605831777280.jpg (35.05 KB, 670x503, troublesover.jpg)

Never tell people about psychotic symptoms ever. I went through a "brief psychotic episode" recently (again) and this time decided to be honest about why I was awol. Told a friend I had to go to the hospital for a week. Now I have 0 friends lol. Mental health awareness as long as it's only something cute and socially acceptable like depression or anxiety. Anything else and you're just too scary to keep around.

Why bother? I took my meds and was more or less normal. Never creepy. They didn't know before I told. Probably just thought I was a bit autistic. I'll stop taking my meds and become full schizo. Which is the fate of 2/3 of schizotypals anyway, I've heard. Whatever. Can't wait.

No. 160503

Good riddance schizo-chan. I can't imagine why your friends would want off this sinking ship

No. 160504


Hope that made you feel better, BPD-chan. At least if you want you can treat schizo to the extent that no one can even tell if you don't disclose it, whereas you assholes are incurable and respond to no treatment at all. Even therapists refuse to work with you.

No. 160507

What the absolute fuck was that for?

No. 160508

>Just 'cuz your last therapist was a shithead who made things worse doesn't mean you should stop believing in love! You'll find the right one someday, gurl :)

Finding the right therapist is like romance in the sense that most of the time, it leaves you poorer and unhappier than if you just toughed it out by yourself.

No. 160517

Been waiting to see a psych for a potential ADHD diagnosis. I am pretty afraid they are just gonna say I'm depressed and have anxiety like every other professional tells me. Even though I've been on around 6 anti-depressants that don't help me and my executive dysfunction is terrible and always has been. I match nearly every single ADHD symptom that is in the DSM-5 and I have 3 relatives who were also diagnosed with ADHD. I feel like it's so obvious that I have it. At the same time I also feel like professionals would do anything to avoid diagnosing an adult with ADHD because rich college students ruined ADHD diagnoses so they could get adderall for studying. Any anons here have success with getting an ADHD diagnoses as an adult? Or is it really as hard as it sounds?

No. 160521

Hey, anon, I'm an adult and I just got diagnosed with ADHD. I also had the same concerns and was so afraid I would get my feelings dismissed but luckily the doctors I saw took me seriously and were willing to get me tested. From the day I asked my primary care doctor about getting a referral to a psych to the day I got my results back confirming my diagnosis it was a grand total of three months.
Maybe I just got super lucky but I think it's worth at least advocating for yourself to get tested. I think a lot of the drug seekers are just people who whine to their primary care doctor about "ADHD" to get a quick stimulant prescription but if you're willing to sit through the hours of formal testing it'll probably show that you are serious about it. You should also definitely bring up that it runs in your family.

No. 160609

I called my mom today after not calling her for ages. She has a lot of trauma but tends to cling to a spiritual outlook in life for peace. Anyway, she started saying that she started talking to a different part of herself, who she believes as a higher sense of self, and they have conversations with each other. She also told me that she has another part of her that is more child like, and another part of her that is overly attatached and crazy. She doesnt blank out while being each persona. Do you guys think this is DID?

No. 160618

is your mom gonna start a youtube channel?

No. 160619

Honestlt it seems like she just watched something on yt and got influenced by it. I watched something similar.

No. 160620


I hear you. My mom is similar, and I think you're right that when they turn to that sort of spirituality it's a way of coping. There's more than just one way a person can explore the idea of spirituality, and talking about learning from their "higher self" is one. In my mom's case when it got very bad she was diagnosed with psychosis on the same day. It can also be caused by trauma, but as you know everyone is different so take it with a grain of salt.

On spirituality in my case and maybe yours, it can hardly make sense to us as daughters seeing our mother suddenly turn to an ideology that looks so flimsy and different to us. It definitely won't make sense to those who haven't lived with someone going through that, listen to you or her, or have seen it themselves. But this could be something she's clinging to for some sort of control over her life or a "higer duty", you would know better than any of us. Speaking to her inner child, like all of this, is very different from what people take as normal. For mine it had to do with making peace with things that happened that were out of her control back then. It hits me hard because that was a person's childhood taken away by certain events. If you feel safe and like she'll take it alright, maybe suggest her talking to a professional therapist if she isn't already to help work through how she's feeling and get a feel of where this is coming from before it gets deeper. At least so she has someone to talk to about this and help you help her. Also some people don't know that therapists are not one size fits all, it might take time to find someone you and she trusts. I don't want to assume, but being able to talk to you must have helped as well, so thank you for listening to her.

It can be scary seeing them like this and metaphorically falling into a rabbit hole. People might not understand, some will insult, and some could egg the new spirituality on far too much when we can see there are things behind the scenes hurting them. Please keep yourself strong and patient, and an eye on her to help keep her anchored to the physical world. I'm sorry to go on so much, but I hope I can save you at least some of the confusion and possible heartache and show you that you're not alone when digging this up.

No. 160629

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I started seeing my OCD specialist and she told me she definitely thinks I have OCD. Not quite a diagnosis yet, but damn was it relieving and also terrifying.

Anyway, insert meme words above talking about "depressive intrusive thoughts and OCD intrusive thoughts"

No. 160630

Samefag but my last sentence is horribly written and I hate it.

No. 160631

If I wasn't sure you're OCD, I am now.

No. 163820


i've been showing symptoms of an eating disorder for a couple years now but my parents have never gotten me help for it, there's also the concern i might have schizoid personality disorder and BPD after researching it for a long while but my pleads for an appointment to see if there's something wrong with me are never answered. ever.
i was diagnosed with depression a couple years back and my parents always brush it off as just ''depression symptoms'' but i'm scared. this doesn't feel like depression, it feels off and it explains a lot of my emotions that i felt came out of nowhere for a really long time, i hate this. i hate this so much.
i'm still so young so i can't do anything about getting a diagnosis, but i just wish someone in my family or just anyone would listen to me, i feel like my symptoms aren't good enough. they'll just tell me it may be side effects on my medication or just some sort of PMS thing but it's not, it's just not. it's nothing like that at all.
i want to stop this, i want to stop it all so fucking badly because i need help. i need mental help desperately and i'm scared. i'm so scared that it'll worsen, that the symptoms will spiral out of control and i'll have a breakdown, i just want to be treated. i want to know if there really is something wrong with me.

No. 165453

Has anyone been on Escitalopram? They say it's the newest antidepressant and I gotta admit it didn't do any of the nasty SSRI shit to me yet EXCEPT it's already much harder to orgasm. It requires so much work and build-up now. I miss misturbation out of boredom, now it's a whole ass quest. I'm taking it for 2 weeks though, and it's supposed to start working properly after 3 weeks. I know meds sometimes affect people differently, but what was your experience with it if you have any? Will I stop orgasming completely or will this most likely pass when the meds settle in?

No. 165454

I've been on it for 6 months and I can orgasm, just definitely takes longer. its so different for everyone there's nearly no point asking, but it might be nice to be reassured. my first two weeks were horrible and now the only real side effect I have is night sweats

No. 165455

thanks! Was it always the same during the time you're on it, or does your orgasming ability (lol) flactuates?
Btw I take Escitil and I realized the original of it is Lexapro, I searched the previous thread for it and found some info. I guess it often causes low libido/harder orgasm, huh. It's not tragic and my libido is the same but I just hope it won't get worse when it starts working.

No. 165465

anons I'm feeling disheartened. I had a referral with a psychiatrist before christmas because I've had a lot of previous emotional issues that have meant every single mental health professional and doctor I've spoken to suspects that I have bpd. The psychiatrist told me that yes, I have a lot of the symptoms of bpd but because I haven't actively tried to off myself in a while (I have a boyfriend and I suspect this stops me from feeling too abandoned) that I don't yet have a personality disorder as such. literally what does this mean. If I meet the diagnostic criteria then why don't I have a diagnosis of bpd? I WANT a diagnosis so that I can get doctors' notes regarding my fucked up brain so that employers and my school can have some kind of proof that I'm not some kind of bullshit liar or "a bit depressed uwu"

No. 165483

Well I'm afraid I may actually have OCD. another anon mentioned some non-physical behaviors that also include OCD. but I have a lot of physical traits as well.


>always needing to eat with the small fork
>compulsive picking my hair's with a tweezer
>compulsively sticking sharp objects in my ears
>needing to urinate or I won't sleep at all
>being upset when things are out of order
>being upset when things aren't exactly the way I need them to be
>little sounds upset me, cause me to panic
>aggression when my items are touched
>vivid and constant images of death and violence (and needing to stop myself from doing this – a good example was imagining kicking my therapist in the face for no reason)
>my boyfriend needing to do exactly as I say or the day is ruined
Etc etc

I'm actually worried now that I might end up worse if I don't get treated but I'd be ashamed to go to someone about this, as I'm unsure it's actually OCD.

No. 165494

Anyone else have bipolar II?
I'm currently in an asymptomatic episode and I feel so normal I'm second guessing if I'm actually mentally ill at all. I mean I obviously am considering that last week I was literally planning my suicide kek, but the fact that depression/mania symptoms are only present some of the time makes it somehow even worse than being symptomatic all the time. I feel like a fraud and an attention whore, my episodes feel overly dramatic and highly embarrassing in hindsight. I wish I was normal.

No. 165512

>being upset when things are out of order
>being upset when things aren't exactly the way I need them to be
>my boyfriend needing to do exactly as I say or the day is ruined
those sound like my bf who does have ocd diagnosed and takes meds for it (which doesn't fix everything)

No. 165516

I’m currently in a similar position, anon. Have you always been like this? Did you have a difficult upbringing or any trauma? If you do seek help you should forget about the potential diagnosis (that is their job) and focus on explaining your issues. In a psych evaluation they will ask you about your whole life, from childhood, as well as current difficulties. It does sound like OCD, are you ashamed about seeking help for OCD or just seeking help in general? Neither are shameful, what will make you feel shame is continuing to live with untreated mental issues and their consequences. You don’t want to wait for it to get worse especially wrt to issues like hoarding which are incredibly tied up in shame.

No. 165521

I've always been like this + I did have a traumatic upbringing (abuse by family, sexual abuse while young, parental divorce). I'd say the OCD behaviors started when I was 12 (hoarding and needing to do things in a specific way) and just increased as time went on.

I'm really just ashamed to need help in general. The things I do always feel irrational and embarrassing to talk about, but make sense to me. You're right though. The hoarding thing has actually gotten a little worse now that I have a job. I bought 4 nintendo switches in one day "just in case" something bad happened to the one I had. I see nothing wrong with keeping unopened boxes around the house and letting them pile up, not even using what I buy. Amazon was a mistake…

jokes aside, thank you and I truly hope you also help the help you need.

No. 165522

Missed your reply! I'm hoping there are alternatives to medicine, really. I'd just hate to need it honestly. Does your boyfriend at least have improved life quality?

No. 165524

Same, anon… the "normal" phase is awful because it's hard to feel anything but disgust for what happened in the breakdown phase. If only you can please see a therapist, I've started just recently and it already helps me find some stable footing in life.

No. 165528

I'm in therapy and I'm also medicated. Although my current doseage seems to do jack shit for preventing depressive episodes. Going to try and get that sorted asap. Glad to hear therapy is helping you anon! It's helping me too. It's just a lot of work and it feels like defeat every time you slip into an episode despite your best efforts, you know? Just gotta keep going at it, I guess. May we both find peace and stability in 2021.

No. 165609

hella fucking late but I got my ADHD diagnosis last month Anon. They did some preliminary questions, and then I took a QBTEST which is like the only "test" for ADHD. imo I think I got a diagnosis so fast was because I told them it was getting me in trouble at work (which was true for me).

No. 165623

Has anyone tried schema therapy? What is it like? How do the sessions go?

No. 165636

i keep blaming everything on my mental illness. i think i’m turning into a cow.

No. 165670

Anyone here highly sensitive? To the point that it really makes your life difficult?
Idk if I should post in this thread because to be highly sensitive it's not a mental illness but in my case it's really advanced.
I have REALLY sensitive nervous system. I'm very sensitive to stimuli (external like noise, light, crowds and internal like hunger or emotions). Advanced hypervigilance.
I've tried fuckton of therapists and psychiatrist, NOBODY knows what's wrong with me. When I spoke to psychiatrists about a highly sesitive person, he said this could be it.
After years of having it and reading about it, I'm sure it's sensitivity.
Now I'm learning how to deal with it…

No. 165675

Anons, what's the general consensus on the difference between having an anxiety disorder, BPD, ADHD or autism? Am an adult now and have never seen a psychiatrist due to no one in my family ever taking me to one growing up, and my mom was super overbearing and I feel messed with my development a bit (I don't have a father who actually gives a fuck on top of that). Just noticing now that I feel like who I am kinda changes every few months, very socially awkward, brain fog all the time, super sensitive to stimuli, etc. I do have impulse problems but am much more mindful now than when I was younger. Just very confused and lost at this point in my life.

No. 165687

File: 1609802187405.png (103.92 KB, 797x310, 65747.png)

Yep, unfortunately the only solution seems to be to live a quiet, secluded life – not total social isolation, but you know… living in a remote house with your partner, working a quiet job in a lab, library or a similar quiet environment, going on long walks with your friends instead of bar hopping. Basically, don't expose yourself to too many stimuli. On the bright side: if you're only highly sensitive (no comorbidities) you could actually achieve happiness that way.

Only a psychiatrist can give you a definitive answer. There is no "consensus", just a lot of overlapping symptoms and a bunch of papers on this exact subject. Diagnosing a patient always involves interpretation of symptoms and personal psychiatric judgement. Telling the difference gets especially difficult if you are female, because many diagnostic criteria are based on the "ideal" male patient.

In my experience, the main difference between ADHD and high functioning autism (formerly Asperger) is the social aspect. People with ADHD might not be able to adhere to social norms, but they do intuitively understand them.

A person with ADHD might forget to make eye contact because they can't concentrate on the conversation and facial expressions at once, but they also would get irritated if whoever they're talking to doesn't look at them.

A person on the spectrum might try to make eye contact because they learned that they're supposed to at some point in their life, but they'll never feel entirely sure if they're making enough or too much eye contact.

A person with (social) anxiety would simply be too afraid to make eye contact, but the concept as such wouldn't feel unnatural.

Ofc a neurotypical person could have the same issues re: eye contact for different reasons. But if all the overlapping ADHD/autism symptoms apply to you this is one of the areas where the difference becomes clearer.

Do you consider yourself disorganized? If so, do you feel like you'll never be a neat person or is the chaos more a result of you feeling overwhelmed than you not giving a shit about an organized environment? The latter would point towards autism.

Another thing that separates ASD from ADHD and connects it to BPD is lack of identity/ anomalous self-experience. If lack of identity isn't a big issue I would look more into ADHD and less into ASD and BPD (not saying that people with ADHD can't experience a lack of identity, but we have to draw the line somewhere, right…).

One aspect that might be pretty unique to autism is a constant sense of alienation ("feeling like a spectator").

Anxiety disorder is a tough one since it's a symptom of BPD, and often goes hand in hand with high-functioning autism and – to a lesser extend – ADHD. If you "only" suffer from anxiety but not ADHD, BPD or ASD you should be able to remember a time when things were different and when social interactions were easier.

See screenshot and link for BPD… https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5590952/

No. 165690

I struggle with functioning as an adult tbh. I'm very good at keeping up with a couple things at a time (ex. going to work and keeping my room tidy), but will tend to neglect other things due to being overwhelmed/lack of life skills (ex. just starve myself as food is not seen as a priority in my mind). I also tend to develop intense interests in things and then drop them a week or so later, either taking on a new interest or becoming bored with how much I already know about the subject due to researching so much. I've always felt alienated by my peers, or like there's something "off" about me that others can sense.

No. 165691


>>I'm very good at keeping up with a couple things at a time (ex. going to work and keeping my room tidy), but will tend to neglect other things due to being overwhelmed/lack of life skills

You seem to have executive dysfunction (both a symptom of autism and ADHD as well as many other disorders).

>>I also tend to develop intense interests in things and then drop them a week or so later, either taking on a new interest or becoming bored with how much I already know about the subject due to researching so much. I've always felt alienated by my peers, or like there's something "off" about me that others can sense.

Intense interests and alienation points towards high-functioning autism. Dropping a subject after just a week or two sounds more like ADHD. Could also be both. Or neither. Like I said, only a professional can say for sure.

You could check out r/aspiegirls and see how much you can relate to the experiences of the users there.

No. 165734

I’m genuinely going to kill myself soon. I don’t think anyone realizes how serious I am. I forfeit this game of life. Even the process of getting my affairs in order to check out is tedious and torturous. I can’t wait for it to be over.

No. 165736

How are you with social interaction? Do you pick up on nonverbal cues easily, or non explicit cues like unspoken social rules? Are you often confused about why others feel or act a certain way?
Do you talk a lot or a little, and do you tend to overshare? When you feel a strong emotion like anger, are you easily overwhelmed or do you have difficulty controlling your primary reaction?
Sorry for the shitload of questions, ignore them if you want, but it might help to better understand your issues.

No. 165751

Hey anon don't do it. Whatever trouble you have, it can be resolved. Life is beautiful seriously, juste throw your phone/computer and take a walk everyday. Try to read paper books. Just go talk to people randomly. If you want to end yourself you have nothing to lose so try at least!

No. 165752

This is good advice and life really is beautiful. Please hang in there.

No. 165792


I wish I could say the right thing to you. I’m thinking of you. If you want someone to talk to, reply to this with your email or whatever.

No. 165835

Sorry anon, didn't check the thread yesterday. With social interactions I can pick up on rules sometimes as I've learned from trial and error, but I feel like I'm still from another planet most days. For example, someone will say something to me and in my head I've acknowledged it, yet I just keep staring at them saying nothing. I catch myself doing this now that it has come to my attention, but I feel I still have a vacant stare when people talk to me and it makes them uncomfortable.

I typically tend to talk very, very little in social situations; I don't really understand small talk and I've noticed that if I do talk I will ask a lot of questions or try to mimic the social atmosphere and it's just awkward.

I get excited easily over things and tend to try to cut people off. I had LOTS of anger problems as an adolescent. Meltdowns over small shit like accidentally turning off my GBA.

No. 165885

File: 1610002365944.jpg (21.96 KB, 480x328, 91ba9ff14bdef7980ecf33f8bba0e9…)

I think I may have avpd but (characteristically) have no real interest in getting diagnosed.

Basically I'm a compulsive ghoster because socializing makes me uncomfortable. I've been able to scrape by since it only destroyed my casual friendships, but now it's seeping into professional life. I just would rather not interact as I assume no one would like to interact with me. Fucking imageboards are the only place I feel okay existing.
On top of this my social skills are about 5 years stunted…awful.

But I'm unsure if a diagnosis would even benefit me. Ultimately it's something I have to do myself so idk if it's worth having a pd on my record. And I don't necessarily suffer from debilitating social anxiety so meds would be useless. It's just my ideas around social things are fucked.

At the very least it's nice to be able to lurk places online where other avoidants post their experiences. Being able to relate is nice, sure wish I could let myself do it fully one day.

No. 165891

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I genuinely feel like I’m not good enough to be socially active. All my life I’ve been ignored and the few friends (or rather acquaintances) I have favor for my boyfriend, who is so much better than I am that I don’t even know why I’m in a relationship. I wanna blame my mom’s parenting and how she isolated me and my siblings from everything growing up but I know that’s not the only factor but I know it’s a major one. All I know is that I’ve convinced myself that I’m not worth of anything and it’s a very hard mindset to even get out of

I’m seeking therapy now but seeing the earlier posts on how useless it is makes me wonder if I made the right choice. I don’t have any actual friends who I can talk to or get advice from. Image board forums are the only ones I got. I genuinely think that if I killed myself, it wouldn’t cause much of a stir

No. 165913

Obviously I can't say for sure, but it does sound the most like an autism spectrum disorder to me. Feeling socially alienated and having to kind of manually learn those rules can be major hurdles. When someone talks to you about their day or whatever, do you ever feel like you don't care all that much about what they are saying but instead focus on giving the expected or socially desirable response? (I think most people have those moments when people tell boring stories but it might be something you notice regularly)
To me the anger issues seem like an important tell. I've worked with quite a few children and teenagers with ASD and they tend to have a specific way of getting angry, often as a result of either feeling something is unjust or unfair, or being stressed due to overstimulation. It can be hard to control, but luckily many people learn to deal with it as they get older, sounds like the same was the case for you.

Either way, it sounds like you're good at self reflection so as long as you kind of keep it in mind I wouldn't worry about the social aspect all too much. You don't want to turn it into a self fulfilling prophecy by being awkward because of overthinking how not to be awkward.

No. 165915

File: 1610037345324.jpg (221 KB, 1280x1770, tumblr_orjvb1tTAA1s5b5tzo1_128…)

I'm the same way anon! Personally idk if I'd call myself avoidant, I've always chalked it up to social anxiety since I also tend to worry about being disliked or found weird by my friends way too much. Somehow responding to messages just seems like a huge threshold to cross, even though I'd like to be friends with these people I'm irrationally anxious about talking to them. The same goes for using social media and the like. Imageboards are great since posting anonymously means it's way easier to just post what I think organically.
My professional life sometimes suffers because of this as well. I bury my head in the sand as a dysfunctional coping style and it's caused me so many problems that would have been easily solvable if I just wouldn't ignore them from the start. Stuff like having to wait a full year to apply to my uni just because I put off sending a 5 minute email until it was too late. Feels very very retarded.

While it's something you have to do yourself eventually, getting basic CBT might help you get there. You don't even need a diagnosis for that (where I'm from). It's all about getting used to actually doing it and practice, but support doesn't hurt if you can't do it alone. I've gotten somewhat better at this in the past few years but am still considering getting help.

No. 165963

any anons have OCD or trich or body-centric repetitive whatever they call it?
i just spent 2hrs hand tweezing my leg hairs and i feel insane because i didn't even stop to think that it was weird or that i should stop.
i have had dermatillomania for a loooooong time but it hasn't ever extended to hair until now.
its been a stressful day so maybe its just that but now i'm paranoid its gonna get worse

No. 165973

File: 1610088707973.jpg (61.36 KB, 1080x959, 20210107_225007.jpg)

Yeah, I have had dermotillomania for well over a decade. I would pick my facial acne and its scabs repeatedly, and in recent years it's spread to my shoulders/back.

My face would be totally fucked with tons of scars and wounds, and it's held me back from social situations throughout all of my teen/early adult years.

I've started to use a counter to stop myself from touching my acne, and the best I've done was 2 months. since I'm still young, my face cleared up entirely during that time. I keep relapsing now, but it's gotten a lot better. I hope to keep it up once things go back to normal and I can go out more.

No. 166303

NTA but I have the same thing but I pick off the skin around my fingers. I used to just use my fingernails but it got really bad when I started using a nail clipper. Now I have a lot of scarring.

No. 166325

Ugh, same here anon. I can’t leave my cuticles alone for some reason. Getting regular manicures was the only thing that really helped, but since corona I haven’t gone back to the nail salon. Trimming my cuticles helps but I still pick at them absentmindedly.

No. 166349

Any schizoid anons in a successful relationship here? While I'm not diagnosed, I fit 99% of the symptoms, and I would like some advice just in case. I've been vaguely dating this guy for a few months, and I told him that being in a relationship with me would probably be very hard for him as I am very solitary and there would be weeks when I wouldn't want to see him. He seemed comprehensive but I'm afraid that we're going to be incompatible in the long run, I feel like I'll never be ready to open myself up and let myself become vulnerable. It doesn't help that the recent lockdown has turned my brain into mush and made me a borderline antisocial hermit. Dating and relationships have never been part of my priority list, but now that I have the opportunity of it happening, am I doomed to fuck it up?
please don't yell at me for talking about SPD, I had an anon in another thread get angry at me for this and saying it's not real

No. 166357

I'm not diagnosed with anything, but I'm posting here because anons here seem familiar with this stuff. The most common advice is that when you're sad/hopeless you should look at the positive things and think about them. But what if there are no positives? How do you come to terms with the fact that you're lower than dirt

No. 166385

Yeah I used to spend so much time just tweezing my leg hair by hand, picking at ingrow hairs with a needle, sometimes obsessing to get a deep ingrown out (the ones where you can only see them faintly under the transparent skin, but they're at least 2 mm beneath the skin)
Leaving my leg hair be has helped a bit, although now that they're long sometimes I'll pluck them by hand (literally, with my fingers). But I try to avoid it.
I'm trying to stop biting my nails and destroying my cuticles too.

But now that you mention it, yeah, tweezing my leg hair gave me a sense of satisfaction and comfort. Really wonder why we turn out this way.

No. 166427

How do you get the self control aspect down tho? I tend to pick at my lips until they bleed. I've been really stressed out and depressed lately and they constantly look busted and disgusting but I can't make myself stop.

No. 166429

NTA - I recently started tweezing hair around my nipples (I randomly get darker ones there and they piss me off) and I relate to the obsession with ingrowns. If I see just a tiny black dot I obsess over it for hours until everything bleeds. Never thought of using a needle though so thanks for that lol
I pick on my cuticles/skin around fingers a lot too. Have done it since i was a kid. I've never mentioned any of this to my therapist but I wonder if I should. Idk if it would help though cause she's just gonna say I'm anxious and should be more mindful when I do it yadda yadda.

No. 166462

Anyone else been put on topiramate 100mg? I feel like I'm losing it. My doctor put me on it for OCD (mostly binge eating to the point of severe pain) and migraines. I think I am having every awful side effect possible. I am so fatigued I don't want to move or shower because I feel so drained after, my eyes hurt, my face is numb then suddenly tingling, my mood is even worse than usual. Godawful med.

No. 166480

I've had trich since childhood so I'm two decades into it now. My head hair, lashes, brows, pubes, legs, are all areas that I've targetted over the years. Obvs it gets worse with stress and even pre-menstrual tension can put me into a cycle of getting better all month long and then pulling alot for a couple days.

The only things that've helped me are, not owning tweezers, shaving at the same time every week and not letting hairs reach a length where I can easily hand pull. When I feel the urge to fuck around with hair I rub the back of my hands against my sharp stubble. Something about the sharp feeling of stubble has replaced that sharp sting of pulling. It gives me a weirdly rewarding sensory stim that is enough to satiate the urge.

I've been through hundreds of cycles of improving and relapsing back into it but the stubble thing has been my best strategy so far. Tweezers and tools like that are risky to have around. I don't know if you're in a position where you can ask a relative to hold onto them for you and only give them to you for brows. I live alone so just binned mine. I then replaced them several times and regretted it every time and rebinned lol. It's like having wine in the house when you're an alco.

No. 168265

Sorry if this isn't helpful to the thread or even in the right place but have any anons just accepted the fact that their mental illness is going to kill them one day (either by suicide or other complications from whatever you have)?
This isn't an attempt to get posts going noooo you have so much to live for, I don't have any plans to do anything in the near future but I just know at this point after everything that things aren't going to get better and I'm going to end up in that place eventually. For a very long time I've thought about suicide every day and it doesn't scare me at all, it's like a comforting option that's there to make it all go away, like sleep used to be for me before I started dreaming every night. Ironically knowing that I can always just kill myself has given me enough peace to make it through each day rn (there are some things I want to resolve first).
Again I know it's a pretty grim state of being and I think people should definitely be discouraged from doing it since there really is hope for most people that contemplate suicide at some point in their lives but realistically, I think like with physical illnesses, there are some terminal cases which would be best helped by preventing them from hurting any longer.
Sage because even though I'm asking for other anons similar experiences I don't want to bump the thread for this.

No. 168977

tbh that would probably be fine for a lot of men, it seems like they mostly don't even like talking that much, it's usually women who hound men for time
also schizoid is more common in men than women, maybe you could even find one your own to be with if this one doesn't work out

No. 170509

BPD-chans I need to ask you something. Do you feel like you're capable of "real" love? Like, affection and support for someone that is consistent, healthy and respectful. Or because you know you split and go from adoring someone to exploding on them over nothing/feeling like they're the worst do you think sustained love is impossible?

No. 170511

I know my breakdowns are not who I really am and the love I feel in my relationships is real. I don't think the fact it's interrupted sometimes makes it less real.

No. 170513

Ime I genuinely loved my first long term partner. I couldn't be healthy though and he rightfully left me. I grieved and years later still feel like it was genuine love but also unavoidable that we had to split up.

My second ltr was totally unhealthy. Spent 3 years living together and thinking we'd be permanent but being honest I didn't love him. I clung to him for bs emotional reasons and it was a case of the more he got hot and cold the more I panicked and didn't want to lose him. Fear of abandonement kicked in majorly. It turned abusive (in a way it felt like my karma but I never lashed out at my first love anywhere near as much as I endured from this guy)

Sorry for rambling but overall if I met someone like the first guy again where the connection is real..I would hope that with age my symptoms mellow out to a point where sustainable love would be possible. I think maturing is important. Being a 20 something year old bpder and expecting to meet your forever love.. seems like setting yourself up against an impossible task. The love might be real but love isn't enough if you lash out or are unbearable at times. It takes more than love. Yeah it's respect that will trip you up. Trust too.

No. 170517

I don’t think I am really. I mean I second guess every feeling I have and nothing really is real, one week I think I’m madly in love the next week I’m disillusioned, angry and moving onto the next thing. But tbh I’ve never been with anyone who I respect/a proper connection with so maybe I can idk. Wishful thinking probably.

No. 170522

Thanks anons I appreciate your perspectives. It's complicated, right? I have a BPD ex who badly fucked me up but at the same time understood and appreciated me in ways no one else ever did. A disorder isn't an excuse to be cruel, but at the same time I can't fully know what it's like to be in your heads. I imagine it's exhausting wanting to be consistent but having to fight against your natural impulses to do so.

I've struggled with this thought as even though my ex may not have intended to hurt me, BPD is still very much a part of who he is and always will be. (In some ways I think there are upsides too, such as the heightened passion and sensitivity.) I feel like it's difficult to know where the disorder stops and where the "real" person starts, as it's just something that's innate.
I'm glad to hear this anon. I hope what we shared was genuine, even if we couldn't sustain it. I tried to be supportive and he improved in some ways but I'm sure it's an uphill battle trying to overcome a way of thinking that's been part of your life for decades. It was a sad and sobering realization that, as you say, love wasn't enough.
I saw a lot of this happening in real time and it was really distressing to think all the good things we shared were suddenly meaningless amid the confusion and dissociation. But there were also periods of mutual care and intense happiness. For me I feel consistency is a necessity if you truly care about someone, but it's probably not fair to apply my standards to people with a very different baseline.

For the record I'm not thinking of getting back together as that wouldn't be healthy for either of us. Just trying to make sense of it all in hindsight. Life is not so black and white as I wanted it to be when I was younger.

No. 170528

Good for you to try to understand the situation better; hope it helps you with getting closure on that relationship and moving on1 I definitely understand your choice to break up, we're insufferable sometimes. I hope your ex gets therapy though, for his own sake, it really can get better and easier to control.

No. 170541

Thanks anon! He has been in therapy for a couple months now. Part of me wishes he’d started sooner but no use crying over the past now. I hope it helps him continue improving in the long term.

No. 170569

Do any other anons struggle with ADHD negatively effecting their relationships? I find that it makes it incredibly difficult to communicate with my SO when we're having an argument. My mind races with disordered thoughts, I'll lose track of the conversation and be at a loss for words. Sometimes I'll forget or misunderstand conversations we had in the past. It's very frustrating for the other person and comes across as careless behaviour. On my end it feels disempowering because I want to express myself with more precision but there's a disconnect somewhere.

No. 170607

I started taking some weird supplements because of lesions in my brain(something something promoting myelin repair) and I'm suddenly more outgoing and have reached out to old friends. Turns out they also lessen mild symptoms of depression and anxiety which I apparently have been in denial for, for years. It's a weird feeling, but also really nice not to worry and care so much

No. 170698

What type of supplements are they?

No. 170705

Capsules with powdered lion's mane mushroom

No. 170894

i think i might have an undiagnosed, let alone taken care of cluster b personality disorder and that frankly worries me

No. 170899


No. 170918

File: 1612807376513.jpg (64.7 KB, 640x618, c95o5ovzad961.jpg)

When God made me she had a sick sense of humor to make me a self-harming autist with an unspecified neurological disorder on top of being a rabid cluster B. My retard chicken breast brain literally goes "hmm migraine and anxiety, time to start smashing your skull against the bed frame. that'll help. do it." then I get urges to punish myself for punishing myself. I'm like an old dog that can't even function but somehow, either due to pity or genuine care, everyone around me loves me and tries to take care of me best they can. Anyone else a retard NEET who would be dead without their partners/friends?

No. 170920

Sorry I can't speak from personal experience anon but my ex had ADHD which we didn't find out until late in the relationship. I did get frustrated that he seemed to be distracted or forget things during arguments or I'd have to repeat things a lot. Looking back, I know he was trying to stay present but genuinely found it difficult to follow the line of conversation. Have you tried Adderall? My ex did and said it made a big difference, he was able to only look at 1-2 thoughts at a time instead of having a ton of different things vying for his attention and like the world slowed down a bit/was easier to process.

No. 170929


I have ADHD, I have the same problems as you. There's so many thoughts going on in my (and your?) brain that it's hard to vocalize them all in a clear way. My best advice is keeping your partner in the loop and pointing out that "it's an ADHD thing" while being mindful of losing track of a convo. I also try to repeat what my partner said so they know I'm listening.

Also, getting medicated if u arent helps a bit/a lot

No. 170948

Glad I found this thread !
Got an ADHD diagnosis recently, at 21. It made so much sense and I was so relieved. I used to be considered a gifted kid by teachers and psychologists but behind closed doors I felt like it was a facade. Can't believe I used to have such a big impostor syndrome problem at such a young age, I was 8 walking around feeling like a liar. I grew up thinking everyone struggled that way, never realizing that wasn't "normal", always thought I was just a lazy POS and it was entirely my fault whenever I couldn't focus or start tasks. It's only a few years into university that it struck me. I only got a diagnosis because self diagnosing wouldn't have gone well with my impostor syndrome and I really needed an answer.
Haven't tried meds yet but holy shit the diagnosis in itself made a difference, finally stopped hating myself for things I couldn't control. Wish I had known earlier, it's only when the psychiatrist told me I had severe ADHD that I truly realized how hard that was all along. Looking back, not knowing really fucked me up as a kid, which is probably why I immediately started crying out of relief when she told me

Tldr: don't underestimate what a diagnosis can do if you can get one

No. 170953

I'm in a bad BPD place right now, at least I think, but often I feel as if I don't have the disorder at all even though I'm diagnosed? I was also diagnosed with schizotypal disorder in 2015 and wonder if I still have symptoms or if they undiagnosed me without telling me. Here's a very quick rundown on things I've done in the months I've been off sick from work:

>gf broke up with me cause we were always fighting and used my mental health as the reason. other friends also stopped talking to me because i didn't respect their boundaries. now i mostly scream (online) at the remaining friends when i get mad which atm is every day, feel bad about it, then get mad and scream again

>overdosed and went to hospital because a friend of a friend said something that I interpreted as being an attack on me
>used a combination of benzos and antipsychotics so i could lie in bed all the time and only get up to eat once a day
>cut myself and smeared my own shit into the open wound to try and cause an infection
>licked a public toilet in a train station because an ex-friend said something that i interpreted as judging me for my sexuality and i wanted to prove my worth (often when i do this stuff i hesitate and then my brain is like "just do it")
>became very convinced i was pregnant even though i have an iud and took the morning after pill, went to a&e about 5 times to get my pee and blood tested because i thought there was an undetectable fetus inside me
>had the cops called on me by my mom because i had a meltdown that involved stabbing a kitchen cabinet while pretending it was an ex friend's face

I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting but basically this year has not been good so far and of course neither was last year. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just wanted to vent anonymously.

No. 170954

I'm only diagnosed with ADD, OCD, depression, and anxiety disorder, but I'm definitely on the sociopathic spectrum and probably have NPD too. I'm also a pathological liar. I don't even do it out of convenience, I just find it really fun to lie to people.

The peak of my crazy is probably the fact that I have a really fucked up almost imaginary friend type situation. I'm not gonna go into too much detail, but it's basically a manifestation of my "darkness" or something. IDFK.

No. 170961

bpd and depression are seriously ruining my life. i wish i could go to therapy or something.

No. 170963

Why can't you?

No. 170964

If you haven't already, you may want to look into a DBT workbook. It's not a substitute for therapy but it's a lot better than nothing and still touches on a lot of the same things a good therapist would have you do. The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises… by McKay is on Libgen. Helped a friend.

No. 170970

File: 1612837252894.png (724.5 KB, 731x716, efb.png)

huh, weird. I just read that Wellbutrin is often used as an off-label way to treat ADHD, and it's the only antidepressant that has ever worked for my depression/ anxiety and actually made me function better. I've been suspecting I might have some form of adult ADHD that went unrecognized when I was a kid for whatever reason, which I've read is common with girls, and it runs in my family at least somewhat because my youngest cousin (male) has it and I'm pretty sure my oldest cousin (female) has either adhd or is neurodivergent in some other way, i forget. another cousin is dyslexic. I had the typical experience I read about with being overly hyped up as a GATE student as a kid and then fumbling in high school or feel overwhelmed, getting heavy imposter syndrome and just not being able to function and complete tasks the way your friends and peers do. but i hesitate to take my armchairing seriously because i used to suspect that I might have hypomanic/ type 2 bipolar instead of regular depression, and also because i was SO normal and honestly even advanced as a kid, but not in a way where i lacked social cues or couldn't function. it didn't start until my first depression diagnosis at 15, and I've heard adhd is supposed to be something you're born with, but maybe that's incorrect.

anyway when I read about the wellbutrin thing it made me wonder if that's another factor of not knowing I have ADHD (if i even have it), because it's working to fix it without my even being aware of it. I've been on and off of these meds for 5 years now and truly without them I barely function. either way I feel like there's SOMETHING that i have that i'm missing. I can't take myself seriously because i feel borderline munchie as it is with the way I scare myself into thinking I have an autoimmune disorder on the regular, so that makes me feel like maybe I'm just overly hyper-aware of every symptom I catch myself experiencing and it's actually nothing or maybe even just the wrong dose of meds. I'm too poor for therapy or healthcare right now though so I'll have to just wait it out and see if things subside a little if I work harder at practicing better habits

No. 170991

In my country mental disorders are seen as a flaw of character and laziness, and drugs are seen at the same time as mind killers that destroy people and turn them into zombies, and at the same time the choice of lazy people that don't want to face their problems.

I hate it. I wish my family could understand that my constant tiredness and mindfog is not laziness. For fucks sake, the only way I can stay awake and not fall asleep while standing is with 2 cans of monster a day, how the fuck can this be considered laziness?

And doctors are the same brand of retarded? You are tired? just drink coffee. God, I fucking hate doctors so much.

No. 171086

samefag, i've been doing research and reading articles on adult female adhd all day and the specific things/ weird behaviors some of these women have gone through in their stories hit me really hard, I almost cried reading some of them because it's word for word shit that has happened to me. I told my boyfriend about it and read all the symptoms because I had some doubt that I'm overreacting, but some of the symptoms I read off really caught his attention as things I've done and he's positive I have it too. I'm simultaneously relieved and also kind of deeply sad (and also still trapped because I can't afford mental healthcare) every single story i read sounds like me. I think I probably have the inattentive/ hyperactive combo, I relate to both of them.

god, even typing this was torture because my bf has a podcast on in the other room and it's not even that loud but it sounds so fucking loud and distracting to me. it took forever to focus on finishing the most basic thoughts. the whole "noise that doesn't bother anyone but me" misophonia thing seems so small and unimportant but is so painful to live with.

out of curiosity have any other anons struggled with this/ been diagnosed late in life? if you were on adderall how did it help you? if anyone was on an off-label script like the wellbutrin I already take, what effect did that have on you? I just don't really know how to go forward with this and if anything it's worse now that I recognize and single out all the habits

No. 171163

>have any other anons struggled with this/ been diagnosed late in life? if you were on adderall how did it help you?
Check out the adhd thread in /ot/

It's always worth bringing this stuff up to your doctor, especially since you're already on Wellbutrin, but when I read your first post the spiraling energy you gave made me immediately want to remind you that psychology and such isn't a perfect science so please don't stake all your hope that the right diagnosis can explain everything. In real life most people don't fit into distinct categories, doctors just add up points and then categorise you according to whatever they have been taught and then they give you medication that usually works for that category.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD but the medication I respond best to is also used for narcoleptics and I'm fairly sure that's more than a coincidence, but at the end of the day nobody can look inside of me and find a notarized list of what's actually wrong with me and how to "cure" it. That's not to say we shouldn't keep trying to get the right diagnosis, of course you should it can help a lot, just that sometimes there isn't a clear answer.

No. 171260

oh thanks i didn't know there was a thread for it!

sorry if I gave off that vibe, I know I won't be magically cured if I get the correct diagnosis or the right meds or anything, it's a long process and different for everyone and I've had to switch around meds a lot. I just feel like it's one of the only things that has perfectly, specifically explained the symptoms I've struggled with my whole life, and it's frustrating to have connected the dots so late in life. even if i don't have adhd specifically, i'm pretty sure it's more than just normal depression so looking into some kind of evaluation and diagnosis can't hurt

No. 171281

were are you from?

No. 171364

Are any of you sweet honey bitches on abilify? I've been prescribed it & I'm nervous because the side effects look like hell

No. 171388

I had restless legs and just an overall/full body feeling of restlessness in general, all day long in the beginning. That's the only big downside I had. It eased off in time.

No. 171393

Yes, it was honestly fine. Of all the aps I was on I had the best time with this one, didn't notice any side effects at all. It was way better than risperidone, which made me lactate lol. Or olanzapine which gave me the munchies really badly.

No. 171567

any other schizo anons? how have you been coping with quarantine? have you noticed any changes in your symptoms since the big germ arrived?

I learned more about the beliefs of the Heavens Gate cult a few days ago and it hit way too close to home for me. Kinda spooked. Trying to avoid falling down an internet rabbit hole learning more about them but I know it's only a matter of time. gonna happen at like 3 in the morning when I have no control and can properly freak myself out

No. 171747

I think about it a lot. Normies look for help when they have mild anxiety/perceived worries and whatever they have is very easy to treat because their worries are baseless and the solution is usually "be positive and stop overthinking uwu". And then you have people like me, whose insecurities and reasons to worry are rooted in reality and confirmed every fucking day by other people. How are these people dealt with? "Be humble and accept that you're doomed to be a worthless retard"? No idea, I've sworn off seeking help but I'm beyond repair, I should be put down.

No. 171787

So annoyed of ppl going "the gov/patriarchy/lizards WANT you to be hopeless and depressed, don't fall for it"

Like thanks. All my problems are now solved. Even with cutting out media/ppl that make me feel that way, nothing much has changed. God I wish I could live in the power trip bubble that men live in. What's the point of being aware of how fucked up everything is, if you can't change it?

No. 171788

They're dealt with by being ostracized until they off themselves, or stuck in an asylum. Not much has changed.

Personally I just gave up on trying to connect w ppl without my mental illnesses, and coping with hobbies.

No. 171789

Does anyone else use comfort characters to manage their mental health? I don't know if it's ok, it works but I'm scared of going full schizo because I can imagine them really well now.

No. 171794

Ugh, same. It doesn't help that my grandmother killed herself in her 60s which is a pretty unusual age for suicide. Nobody in my family is mentally healthy so why should I ever get better?

All the (relatively) healthy people around me are doing some form of psychotherapy. I just don't see the point.

No. 171796

I have seen this a lot and I would argue it does not help in the long run and seems to make things worse for the individuals. Sometimes it seems to border on obsession. Are you referring to fictional characters?

No. 171797

Honestly I think they are cringe as a concept and even harmful to an extent. Sure it's normal to pop on a tv show you know and love,maybe even have a fave character, have a lil fantasy in your head about how you would be in the show or something. What gets harmful is seeing the people who use that term refuse to watch or think about anything else, attaching too much emotion to something that isn't in your control in the least and having a meltdown if that character changes/dies/you disagree with the creator. Some people do this with ocs and even if I can see the benefit of having an outlet like that, it does seem obsessive and somewhat absurd.

No. 171807

Oh so there's no help for me? I'm gonna kill myself.

No. 172282

Abilify Anons, does the med give you trouble with sleeping?

No. 172319

Is this depressive realism or just doomer shit? There's no hope for real?

No. 172421

yes, it was a little difficult at first. i stopped taking it a few years ago due to other reasons, but it helped greatly. iirc, your entire body will feel like a limb about to fall asleep the first two or so weeks.

No. 172685

Has anyone been on SSRIs that they didn't need and subsequently have worsened depression because of it?
I've just gotten an ADHD diagnosis which I think fits me a lot better. Starting Adderall a few months ago has reduced my depression/anxiety to nothing. Previously I've been diagnosed with depression/anxiety since 13ish due to parents splitting up. I was put on Lexapro then and took it for a few years while I spiraled down into the darkest period of my life in high school when I started cutting and had a really vicious ED for a year. Then I switched to Prozac, felt a bit better, and stopped taking it. Then went through a bad breakup with homesickness from college and got diagnosed as bipolar, went on Lamictal which did nothing. Kept taking it but then was put on Celexa. Then that didn't work, so Effexor, and later on, Wellbutrin. I was still depressed and anxious on these drugs with occasional slip ups of self harming. But ever since adding the Adderall I feel so much better. I want to get off the Lamictal asap because I am like 100% sure I'm not bipolar. Eventually I'd ideally like to be on 1-2 drugs max. Not fucking 4, ffs.
But anyway I feel like I lost my youth to depression which was caused these SSRIs. Does anyone relate? I'm a bum atm but I'm not really depressed about it anymore due to the Adderall whereas the near last 10 years of my life I've been extremely depressed and anxious. Occasionally I do have pangs of emptiness or depression but it's rare now although understandable bc I am taking 3 other medications. Looking back I went through a lot situationally so I understand starting the treatment at that time due to my family situation; but I wish I had gotten off the drugs sooner instead of the psychiatrists just saying that I had depression. I wish they'd considered that I might have had worsened mental issues because of the medications. And I've been medicated for the entire 9 years except for that few months of college before I went back to a psych and got a [incorrect] bipolar diagnosis. For the past few years I've felt like I don't know who I am without any medications. And now realizing that I couldn't appreciate my life in those years because of the medication that was supposed to help me makes me frustrated.

No. 172843

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Diagnosed BPDfag, anybody else on SSRIs find that since being on them they find themselves saying some whack stuff, and then after the fact being like whoops! I feel like my already barely there mental filter is just non existent at this point. I smoke weed pretty much all day to sedate myself because it's hard for me to even stand being around myself when I'm feeling hyperactive, spiteful, and impulsive with my words and actions.

No. 172920

BPD anons, how do you curb hostility? I find it extremely difficult to control my cruel impulses when anonymity allows me some guise of protection.

No. 172921

Bro, you sound exactly like me. I'm weaning off lexapro right now because I've lived my entire life in a medicated fog and my motivation is nil.

No. 172943

I'd love to know how to curb it IRL

No. 172964

Same, and no one has a solution… suffering awaits, girls.

No. 173047

this is retarded but I pretend I'm tricking everyone into liking me by being nice so I can feel like I'm tricking them and still being malicious

No. 173216

What does BPD do to you?

No. 173224

It means you're biologically and socially predisposed to be overly sensitive to perceived abandonment and judgment, particularly from those you're close to. In those instances it can lead to lashing out in misplaced self defense and retaliation, referred to as "borderline rage." People with BPD are disposed to be more impulsive as well, but not sure why some anons feel a generalized sense of hostility even towards strangers. Does not sound like a BPD-specific problem but a comorbidity.

No. 173341


another anon with BPD here. Not sure I deal with hostility either, I wouldn't say hostility is necessarily a BPD trait. Anger over perceived slights? Sure, but I don't have an impulse to be cruel for no reason.

No. 173345

somehow i find this kinda wholesome in a very BPD way

>But anyway I feel like I lost my youth to depression which was caused these SSRIs

ouch, resonate hard with that. the only antidepressant that has ever worked well for me or at least helped me somewhat function pre- adhd diagnosis (and commonly works well for other comorbid people) was wellbutrin. zoloft and other SSRIs only ever fucked me up, drained me of all emotion/ personality and made me feel like a zombie. makes sense since it's an NDRI and probably gave me dopamine/ made me feel a slight semblance of normalcy for the first time ever, i've only been on it the last 3ish years. being diagnosed with ADHD so late and looking back at ur childhood/ connecting the dots is really rough because it just makes you think about the person you could have been, and the the way things in life would have been so much better. definitely try to go from 4 drugs to 1-2 tho, especially when it's just added stuff you brain doesn't need, it can weigh you down a lot. at least in my experience

No. 173735

god i'm tired of my brain… i've been feeling like there's something wrong with me as long as i remember myself. i've only been diagnosed with the classic easy "fuck off" combo of anxiety and depression 7 years ago when i was 15 while i'm sure these are not the only problems i have. my eating disorder has been fucking up my health and life for more than 8 years and i've never been at a normal bmi in my entire adult life, but i wasn't ever spoopy enough for anyone to take me seriously and it also wasn't my intention to get tubed and all that shit, i just find comfort in total control of my intake and weight. it's not bothering me that much rn so i let it slide.
what is really annoying is that i can't keep up with normal tasks like cleaning my room, cleaning the dishes, washing my clothes, getting somewhere on time, meeting deadlines; i can't keep up with studying online cause i get distracted very easily, by fucking birds flying past my window, by any random little thing. i can't do something that i'm not literally obsessed with, i can't concentrate on any fucking thing! i'm extremely bad at day-to-day functioning on this level, i live in a constant mess and actually i don't care about it (only when someone wants to pass by and my room looks like a fucking garbage bin), i don't cook cause it's too overwhelming and i can't choose the recipe and can't focus, i can't read books, disassociate almost all the time while watching a movie if i don't use subtitles.
but i managed to learn a language in a year and a half to the level of a native speaker, almost 6 month of which completely by myself. because i wanted to move to the country where they speak it and got legit obsessed with this idea, i was studying 24/7 on my own. so i moved to a different country on my own at 19 y/o, i'm very adaptable, fast-thinking, i can absorb info like a sponge but only when my brain decides it's the most amazing topic in the world. but cleaning my room is much more difficult than moving to another part of the world i guess.
i'm really looking into adhd as a possibility because i was like that my entire life; i was doing good at school without any effort by doing every task the last minute, cheating like a pro spy on tests, just being able to find loopholes and think fast. but i was very messy, constantly day dreaming, my handwriting was awful, i was always late (still am). i lost things all the time, my room was always a mess even though i would get my ass kicked by ocd mom who was washing the floors with detergent every f'ing day, so i guess i would have learnt from her, but no
damn i can't even focus on my own thoughts cause i forget what i was thinking about because something else distracts me. if i have a plan, for instance a doctor appointment at 5 pm, i'm not gonna do anything that day rather then sit and wait
my social skills are on point and i'm actually more intuitive and emotional than cold-headed
if someone with similar experiences can give an advice on how i should approach this, i would appreciate it. i'm on zoloft now and it really helps with depression but i'm still dysfunctional AF, just not feeling that bad about it.(lolcow.farm/info)

No. 173773

Crazy how similar our experiences are. I seriously understand you but I've never been diagnosed (I never seeked help either).
Meditation, exercise, daily tasks lists, avoiding over-stimulation (music, tv, social media, etc), setting a routine, breathing exercises, self-talk and making sure I've plenty of time to get ready for something are somehow working for me. But it's such a struggle and so exhausting, fighting your brain all the time. I hope you feel better nonnie

No. 174046

You are me.

>Had anxiety and depression

>But am actually very social and intuitive, which is why the anxiety destroyed me, it tried to stop what I was naturally good at.
>Can't focus for shit except for the Hobby Of The Week I get obsessed about
>Have hundreds of hobbies I picked up and thought I'd take to the end but lost interest in 2 weeks
>Have 10 windows open with 20 tabs each
>So much noise and ideas in my mind that I have to NUMBER what I will say next while I'm talking to someone
>Thought I wasn't that messy until I lived alone and it turned into a pigsty in a day
>Always felt different, not the way everyone does but genuinely different
>Easily react to things
>Swing between impulsive and productive to ZERO energy and deep depression
>Inexplicably angry as a toddler

But I got good grades as a kid and I'm a girl so no one thought to test me for ADHD.

No. 174385

My BPD is eating me alive at the moment. Every time my partner and I have the slightest conversation to address negative aspects of our relationship I consider closing myself off and just breaking up, because that's so much easier than sifting through my emotions.

I went to therapy for BPD and it helped a lot, but I cannot afford to go anymore. It helped me heal a relationship with my abusive mother. It sucks because I've come to the realisation after repressing shit for years that my own sister sexually abused me as a 5 year-old and I'm so close to her now (big age gap. I'm disgusted and so upset, and I know thinking about it is making it worse, but I just don't have the energy. I'm not suicidal but just feel like making myself feel as shit as possible, for as long as possible, so I can just suffer more.

No. 174434

File: 1615153465230.jpg (395.73 KB, 2048x2011, 5af3726~2.jpg)

Any other BPDchans in DBT therapy currently? I'm starting DBT next week. Are any of the skills actually practical if you're in a crisis?

No. 174442

>feel like making myself feel as shit as possible, for as long as possible, so I can just suffer more.
I'm really sorry about what you went through with your sister anon, it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. Please try not to direct that pain inwards; you haven't done anything wrong and deserve additional support right now if anything. If your boyfriend is adding to your stress can you tell him you either need space or ask that he only focus on positive things for now? I don't know how much you feel comfortable sharing with him (and that's entirely your prerogative) but even just saying you're dealing with too many emotions right now and need his support should be enough. I hope you can focus on any activities that are soothing for you so you can get back to a comfortable mental place.

No. 174443

Yes, it definitely helps. DBT can't "fix" or prevent the intense reactions/mood swings but it does give you more tools to be aware of when they're happening so you can choose to deal with them in healthier ways rather than exploding on yourself or others and making it worse.

No. 174444

File: 1615159688979.jpg (52.22 KB, 622x411, a4c53ab1-9dfd-4ea5-bb92-a130d8…)

One doctor said I might be on autism spectrum and another said he thinks I have a schizoid personality disorder. I don't know which one to believe and I don't want to diagnose myself tbh. They weren't able to help me with my depression and anxiety and I've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists since I was 12. I've been on like 10 different drugs and nothing helped me. If they weren't able to help me before, how could they help me with something like autism or SPD? I'm tired. Fuck mental health "care" system.

No. 174445

File: 1615159896465.jpg (36.55 KB, 600x600, both.jpg)

No. 174461

My mental health is so shit as of late. I am crying like three times a day and each episode is at least 40 minutes long. The slightest things have been setting me off. Like my bf said a character I made in a game was ugly and that legit sent me spiraling because for some reason my brain interpreted that as "that means everything you do and make is bad and not good enough to anyone, you shouldn't be alive you fucking failure." I finally made an appointment was a psychiatrist, I hope it helps because I gotta pay out of pocket and I barely make above minimum wage so I don't have that much money to spare. I just wanna be able to go a day without bawling my eyes out and I'd also like to be able to sleep again because my anxiety is keeping me up and I can barely eat.

No. 174462

So glad I found this thread. Been suspecting ADHD for a month now, as well as plenty of terrible traits from bad raising. Anyone here feel even more like a useless emotional retard during this pandemic?

No. 174465

The mere fact that you've been seeking out help for years and came here to post about it makes autism more likely. Not jut because all anons are autistic, but because schizoids tend to not give a fuck. They are among the least likely to seek treatment. A relative of mine has SPD and he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him despite his life being completely empty. It's kinda scary. He's indifference personified… and not in that socially awkward, occasionally tone-deaf autistic way – just hollow.

In my experience, psychiatrists tend to be bad at identifying relatively "common" disorders like depression, autism or ADHD if they are accompanied by comorbidities like anxiety, addiction or OCD. Instead of diagnosing you with ASD and social anxiety, they come up with some grandiose, super rare explanation like SPD.

No. 174494

With the lockdown in my country, I've been having a really bad relapse into a miasma of depression, anxiety and self-harm. I had started a course at a university last year but so far I've only actually gone to the campus to get some paperwork and a student card. I've been looking forward to studying at uni for so many years after suffering a lot of bullying in school and abuse at home from my father and now that he's gone, one of my sisters has picked up his abusive, insanely critical traits. I was hoping I could finally find some people my own age to makes some friends with because I'm cripplingly lonely, to the point that I write and make up stories and characters to try and assuage my aching loneliness.
My medication has gone up but it only makes me even more sleepy and lethargic, I end up sleeping all day and all night to avoid reality. I've also, shamefully enough, put on quite a bit of weight because of the side effects and my own lack of any motivation. What bothers me the most is that I only barely passed my first semester and I'm afraid of dropping out again or having to repeat the year. I can't even go out to a cafe just to be around people and watch them. I don't know anons, I hope I don't sound too whiny but this lockdown shit has just gone on for too long. I haven't seen my only few friends in almost two years now since they live in the next country over.
I empathise with all you other anons suffering from this lockdown bullshit, it really doesn't help that here the mental health services are so overloaded that it takes several months to get a twenty minute checkup.
Man, I wish medical weed was legal here. I tried it in America and it really took the edge off of my constant anxiety. I felt actual enjoyment of my hobbies and interests again.

No. 174517

are you in england/the UK? if so, don’t worry too much about your first year - it never usually counts in most universities and just passing is enough since it doesn’t have an impact on your final grade. i did shit in my first year too but i’m probs gonna graduate with a 2:1 so it’s whatever. i’m sorry about everything else though - i’m really struggling too and it feels like there’s nowhere to turn to. i hope we can get through this.

No. 174615

do antidepressants give you your interest back? i lost all interest in everything and i really need to get a job in some field. i self sabotage all the time and idk. also got bpd, but was diagnosed in like 20 min so… and dont have the money to get proper therapy but if meds can help i might be able to scrounge up some money for a session to get them. i never had much interest in things anyways, so i dont know if i have depression or its a personality thing.

No. 174626

The truth is there are so many antidepressants out there and they work differently for everyone. You will really have to bite the bullet and try for yourself. I had no luck on antidepressants but many people have.

With BPD, I have it too and also couldn't afford therapy. Save up to go to a specialist and ask if meds are right for you and ask what things you can do by yourself to improve coping with BPD/depression if you cannot afford treatment. The absolute best way to deal with your BPD is an exposure therapy called Dialectal Behavioural Therapy (DBT) but it can be expensive. A free alternative with the same results is possible by getting out of your comfort zone, joining some hobby circles and make friends. It was the scariest and hardest thing I've done but can't recommend this enough for other BPD anons, I didn't have to pay a cent for DBT and it was great exposure therapy.

Best of luck.

No. 174653

I have struggled a bit with anxiety for some time and I think I have figured what’s triggering it and want to get this off my chest.
Without wanting to blogpost too much… I thought I was just having intrusive thoughts but actually I think they are false memories. For example I got absolutely wasted at my housewarming party a couple of years ago and am 1000% convinced that I had sex with one of my bfs friends, still to this day!
I remember most of the party and it gets blurry towards the end, but I distinctly remember waking up in the morning thinking and feeling like I’d had sex. The memory I have is me saying oh my bf won’t mind and it happening but I don’t remember anything before or after.
No matter what I do I can’t convince myself this didn’t happen and I’m terrified that it’s real, to the point I want to contact this person and ask if it happened which would make me look crazy.
Is there anyone else that feels this way? I have so many false memories I am a nervous wreck sometimes!

No. 174680

Thanks anon, really appreciate it. I think joining hobby circles and making friends would be great exposure therapy but I kinda need to have a hobby haha and i dont cause ive lost interest/dont have interest. The other thing is ive become content having a single long distance friend and am also scared of sabotaging potential friendships cause of my tendency to just straight up ghost people or ignore them for long periods of time.
could it be a dream also? hope you get that figured out.

No. 174776

Unpopular opinion: Milfs aren't that hot and the lesbians and men who thrist over them are a lil sus to me.
It doesn't mean I would not find my aging partner if a woman not hot but people who just seem really into them just, put me off.(wrong thread)

No. 174798

Anons, after years of struggling with myself and taking meds for depression I'm finally gonna get tested for a personality disorder and for sperg as well, but I don't think I'll pass. All for free as well!!! It's a BIG thing for me since I've selfdiagnosed myself like a 10 years ago and I'm pretty confident with that… but also open to find out something new about myself. I've always wanted to be diagnosed but my psychiatrist doesn't do that and my therapist doesn't like diagnosing straight out of the bat because she believes it stygmatizes people.
The only thing that I regret is that I'm being tested now that I'm sort of stable and not when I was at my lowest (or almost lowest) point. The results would be more interesting, I think. Sorry to sound like a retard but I feel kind of like a failure for not being able to truthfully pick the most mental answers, because a few years ago… yeah, that was me. I'm mostly stable thanks to being in a happy relationship and on medication, but I'm worried that it overshadows how mentally ill I actually am.

No. 174811

File: 1615404824587.jpg (8.54 KB, 258x196, sssss.jpg)

Hey dear anons, I just had my first EMDR session today and is the first time in my life that I'm actually feeling good about my mental health and being positive about the future. Don't give up on yourself. I love you all

No. 174814

I finally got in contact with my gp and have been referred to mental health services. Maybe now I won’t commit so many BPD atrocities.

No. 174820

Congrats! What is an EMDR session like?

No. 174904

A fresh update that literally nobody asked for: I have literally every condition that I have ever suspected. So AVPD with BPD traits. I also rated high on autism spectrum despite not being obsessed with numbers or patterns and even though the test didn't even ask me about my extensive collection of trinkets, books and other objects related to my niche obsessions
IDK what to do with that knowledge, but it feels nice to finally confirm what I knew all along.

No. 175111

Fellow mentally unwell anons: looking for some advice. I'm actually thinking of dropping psychiatry. I have been at this since I was a child, like 15 years now. I liked my psych as a child but had to drop her once I was considered an adult. Went through many doctors and we really didn't fit. Have had my current one for many years now. Am diagnosed with a cornucopia of mental illnesses and personality disorders. Have been on basically every med. Am on many right now. Have made no improvements. If anything have gotten worse. My doctor insisted I was ana chan after I lost weight. I felt it was more of an OCD thing. Also allowed my abusive mother into my appointments without my permission. I gained a lot of weight back after she threatened hospitalization. She still insists on weighing me against my will and blood tests frequently. I just feel so exhausted. This is the very short version. I feel fundamentally broken. Why should I keep doing this? With every appointment I feel shittier.

No. 175112

Sometimes they just keep treating adults because they can keep billing. I'd keep a therapist around and drop psychiatry, and find a way to get away from your mom a little (not forever, but she shouldn't have the power to force you to do things as an adult).

No. 175206

Therapy here is about 200 dollars per 45 minute session. I'm not rich. The government provides a few free ones but that's laughable. You get your allotted amount and then they cut you off. I actually severed all ties to my Mom late last fall. I know a lot of people see that as extreme but I just couldn't bear to have contact with her anymore. Even the psych I am with labelled her a malignant narcissist (but still invited her into my appointments against my will??) I hate having to think about this. I am a severe chronic insomniac and I am worried about having my meds cut off if I leave her treatment.

No. 175549

File: 1615946050813.png (2.14 MB, 1196x1184, 1580162281728.png)

I've tried every ssri and snri and not one of them helped me, so now they're trying antipsychotics on me
seroquel made me hallucinate, puke, and sleep so hard my roommate had to literally violently shake me awake out of fear that I had od'd on something after not leaving my room for two days, so now my doc wants me to try vraylar
she highly suspects I'm bipolar
anyone know what I'm about to get into this time?

No. 178874

I suffer from social phobia for 10 years now.
It was ok for past few years, I still couldn't do much but it's getting better and better.
Now, three weeks ago my phobia suddenly gets worse, idk why. I only go for a walk with dog.
I noticed that i'm way more scared on these walks than before, to the point that feeling become unbearable.
Unfrotunataly, I got a fucking panic attack in one of these walks. I thought I could handle it and I will get better.
I just came back from a walk, I got another panic attack and it was even worse.
My body and my mind can't even take even a small amount of stress and anxiety now. I immediately feel really dizzy and I want to scream and cry.
My last panic attack was like 7 years ago… idk what happened.
I go to the therpaist but she isn't that helpful, like thousands of different therapist that I met before.
I don't take any pills now, because my condition was good and there was improvement. Also, pills never helped me in any way…

I don't know what to do anymore, I tried by myself to heal past wounds and traumas, meditation, inner child work and even fucking LoA.
I was also in group therapies.
I want to help myself but I don't know what to do anymore. I WANT to get better but fucking how?
It was good until now… why it must be like this…

Any ideas how to deal with anxiety and panic attacks? I need help…

Also, sorry for my english.

No. 178893

I got my depression diagnosis a few days ago, after wondering why I felt so horrible starting december.
We run depression in the family, I only had SAD in winter. But since I can't go to work anymore my past is creeping into my brain, I experienced a violent childhood and it all just comes out now.
I FINALLY got a therapy spot after three weeks of calling, visiting and pressuring my health insurance and I am so fucking happy. People wait months even years for spots and I guess got lucky.

I'm sending you all love vibes and hope you can get the help you need. You deserve to get better!!

No. 179045

I'm getting the brain scrambles a lot. Things that feel like memories feel like dreams and vice versa. I stop and ask myself "did that actually happen?" quite often and I have to think on it. Sometimes memories have a dreamlike quality, sometimes the other way around. I don't know. It's scary, though. I've had my Bipolar II diagnosis for 10 years but it's looking to be a whole lot more than that, since auditory hallucinations have been creeping in more and more over the years. First it was little, ignorable - hell, even laughable - shit. Stuff like thinking "ok it sounds like the tv is on in the other room" with the "worst" being when I tore up the room looking for my DS because I thought it was buried somewhere with Pokemon music playing. Super harmless..

But now it's like. I feel people talking about me. I hear it in their voice and intention even if I don't understand/hear the words or even if it's like, someone I inherently love and trust. Sometimes I'll just feel it and go through great lengths to listen in on the conversation, like drop down to the floor and press my ear against the opening of the door.

I dunno. It doesn't feel right. It feels like warning signs, but I also have a flair for dramatics. It's hard to pinpoint anything nowadays. I had a string of traumatic shit happen that made me bolt from one fuck up to the next and now life doesn't feel real. I proper fucked myself up. It really hurts.

Sorry for the ramble and not piecing everything together. I just don't wanna live like this? And I don't want my mental health to deteriorate. I'm already in a fragile place and it's just, ugh.

No. 179059

Were you able to work through your traumas?

No. 179063

All the antipsychotics suck ass. It's hard to get around it. It's a matter of which sucks more for you the antipsychotics or the depression. Basically a no win situation.

No. 179143

Failed attempts to over the years. I'm at a loss with very little resources left. I'm not sure if the brain scrambles is mental health deteriorating or physical health, or both. I keep feeling these (what feels like) gut-twisting realizations like "i can't feel the sun anymore." or just ruminating to ALL fuck. I'm stuck in a cycle and i know it, i just don't know how to hoist myself up and out. Every honest attempt has been failure to launch. It's discouraging, humiliating, and infuriating all in one. I do not have many friends to reach out to for support. I texted the one person i talk to every day and asked for advice but they had some responsibilities (understandable) and never followed up, mostly because i think the advice i was asking for was inappropriate and A Lot to ask someone about. So now I'm looking into anon boards because for some fucko reason I'm still trying to compartmentalize the wreckage that is my life/me.

No. 179179

File: 1618258178612.png (418.69 KB, 1028x924, img9998.png)

How do you differ paranoia from anxiety? I have been diagnosed with some forms of anxiety throughout my life and now have landed on "adjustment disorder," the medication and therapy help and ward my symptoms off.

I still notice this lurking irrational fear. I thought someone had placed a camera in my apartment and that they were watching me, or that someone is always listening, I keep my curtains closed for the majority of the time because I don't want anyone to watch me. Seems irrational, I'm concerned.

No. 179200

For me, paranoia appears like the belief that people are conspiring against me, or the fear that people can hear my thoughts. Anxiety is a lesser form of that, like worrying about what other people are thinking, or what their intentions are.

I think the fact that you noted those thoughts as irrational is key, because it means you are aware of them, and have a certain understanding of your own mental state.

In my layman's opinion paranoia is a warning sign that your mind may be headed down a dark path, and it would be good for you to express yourself to a professional or a friend if you can.

No. 179226

Doublepost but I have bipolar 1 and I know what you mean about auditory hallucinations. I'm medicated enough at this point where they aren't a problem but I honestly feel like that's my brain's default state.

I will say that being someone with bipolar you should try to observe the nature of your thoughts and express them to others. If you don't you're at risk for self harm.

No. 179261

I fucked up and entrenched myself too deeply into relationships and now I am tethered and can’t just..easily and quietly slip off to the bush with some rope.
I feel too guilty to go but I’m too tired and worn down to stay either. It’s this horrible limbo where nothing changes and i just keep getting older and less salvageable.
Trying to accept the fact that I’ll probably have to wait for cancer and reject treatments from the start. I hate it. I don’t want to live any more. It’s disgusting and embarrassing and so draining and I’m just shit at it.

It’s like life was a complicated dance and everyone had been taking lessons since birth. The. You get shoved on stage and you have no rhythm and you’re bumping into the other dancers all the time and the audience just stares daggers waiting for you to leave and stop fucking up the show.

No. 179274

File: 1618311745825.jpeg (610.81 KB, 1125x864, EA636A5B-F4DF-4F9B-8740-8562A8…)

Is it possible to have both bipolar and BPD or are they over-diagnosing me? "Mood disorder" was added to my notes after an emergency psych eval this past Oct and I was put on meds for bipolar (a ton of Seroquel — 300mg for someone 5'3" and 95 lbs at the time — for way too long until it ruined my quality of life; first Lexapro and now Lamictal) — I am now only on Lamictal) and it works just fine. My therapist is still undecided on if I'm actually bipolar or not but I did have two hypomanic episodes in the span of about 2 months before getting on meds following a very traumatic experience that I overshared abt on here awhile back. I have not had any extreme episodes of either hypomania or depression since starting my meds, which makes me wonder if they're working or if I'm possibly going to be misdiagnosed with bipolar at some point soon. After my stay in the hospital, they also diagnosed me with anorexia as well but luckily it's "in remission" now because that's what I went to the hospital for in the first place: I'd rapidly lost a ton of weight in 1.5m and could barely even walk; my bosses took me to lunch one day and told me I had to get a physical by Tuesday of the following week (so a week to do so) because they were worried about the state of my heart since I was having severe panic attacks every single day, sometimes multiple. But by that weekend I'd gone so far downhill so rapidly that I wound up in the hospital.

No. 179281

UK anon here to ask if anyone knows any meds prescribed over here that help with dramatic mood swings. I keep fluctuating between screaming rage and lying on my floor in floods of tears wanting to die. I'm already seeing a therapist and I'm working on changing my thought patterns but I just need something to level out the physiological responses so I can go about my day normally

No. 179290

Fellow UK anon, have you tried talking to your GP about anti-psychotics? I don't want to reccomend a specific one because I'm not a doctor and idk how each one would react for you but they are more for helping mood cycling. I work in a pharmacy and most patients we have are on them long term so it's something you wanna consider as well

No. 179342

It is possible and I know someone who was diagnosed with both. If you were having mood episodes and your bipolar meds successfully treated them, then you do probably have something aside from BPD. BPD alone does not cause extended episodes. BPD swings are intense but short lived and usually caused by a specific trigger. They only last minutes to hours. Extreme moods lasting days or months is indeed more characteristic of bipolar.

No. 179907

File: 1618629032408.png (254.1 KB, 665x608, 1596320699317.png)

My suicidal urges have been bad recently, I keep thinking about it every day multiple times a day and not just when I'm upset. I have BPD and a few other things but the personality disorder is the worst. Lots of things make me want to die like getting older (I'm nearly 27) and if I hear about someone famous who died I get kind of envious, like I can see my own suicide failing and I just wish it was that easy for me to not live anymore. I keep googling methods but really I just wish someone would come along and shoot me. What do I do?

No. 179911

Don't do it, if anyone finds out and you didn't die, they will throw you down the psychiatry hole and every facet of your life will worsen.
All you can do besides the same shit literally everyone tells you is to find what ever shit assed mental health facilities your insurance covers, make appointments at all of them, and then pick whichever one works best. If it's not the first one, tell them to fuck off, try the second one, just go down the list like that.
Once they actually see you, make it clear, but not by outright saying it, that you need to be seen by an actual psychiatrist. If they're any good, they'll automatically refer you to one, if not, tell them to go fuck themselves and go to the next appointment and try there. When you get seen by an actual psychiatrist, then you can finally get medication.
You do not ever want to be caught in a failed suicide.
I know it's still miserable fucking advice, but this is all that life is. If they give you the right drugs, maybe you can at least ride out the rest of the storm.

No. 179918

File: 1618633420444.jpg (35.27 KB, 500x500, 196.jpg)

But I'm already in the psychiatry hole. I see a therapist and psychiatrist who says I have severe mental illness. But I will say that I'm meant to take the maximum dose of zoloft and a small dose of antipsychotics, neither of which I'm doing consistently at all.

No. 179919

Alright, welp, that fucking sucks.
I mean at this point, all you can do is take the meds on the schedule they're prescribed, and once your doctors all know you've done that for a month, (unless you've been telling them you are already, which is fine tbh)then you can start indicating that it isn't working and what you need is something to combat "bouts of uncontrollable energy." You can make that energy depression, anxiety, rage, or impulsive spending/gambling. As always, never say anything outright because this system is a clown circus and you have to jump through flaming clown hoops to get fucking help.
I am really god damn sorry, this whole thing is fucking awful and stupid.
If they still won't help you, honestly, try marijuana

No. 179931

I went to the doctor and they just put me on sertraline/zoloft and I feel so nauseated when I take it. I hope it helps soon

No. 179935

Have you tried taking it with a drink of juice? In the past it’s made me throw up too unless I take it with food or at least a drink with sugar in

No. 180211

tried this the past two days and it does help a little bit! has it by any chance made you lose your appetite for the most part anon? it's been a real struggle to eat since I started taking it

No. 180232

nta, but zoloft murdered my appetite in addition to the puking

No. 180263

was this the case for you all throughout taking it, anon?

No. 180295

Have you tried changing your diet? I find that eating low carb, high fat really calms me down. I also drink a lot of fish oil.
Yoga also really helps. There yoga with Adrienne on YouTube.
Swimming is also great if you have access to a pool.

No. 180334

Im posting this here because im losing my mind. Misogyny makes me so fucking depressed and i cant even escape. I only watch food videos and makeup videos on youtube. I got recommended a video about a girl being raped (her abuser is jake paul) and i decided to read the comments and holy fuck do i regret it. People saying shes too ugly, asking her if it felt good, all these scrotes saying disgusting shit and calling women emotional for crying bc of rape.
Tell me anons why should i fucking live? Ive been raped and being a woman is fucking hell. Ive even considered trooning out and becoming a trans man because i cant take this shit anymore. If a woman goes to court she isnt believed and if she posts it online she isnt believed.
If a man would say he was raped by a woman he would be believed by everyone because men believe men first. Whats the point in living if im treated like garbage because of a vagina? It makes me so fucking suicidal i cant deal with any of this shit anymore. No matter how many pilla i can be prescribed, i will still deal and see misogyny and i cant tolerate it anymore.

No. 180348

Stop exposing yourself to negative, rage-enducing content online. That'll do

No. 180386

Oh yeah, it got worse as they upped the dose too

No. 180459

I fucking hate my brain, I wrote a whole paragraph about whats going on but couldn't even bring myself to send it to a bunch of strangers on lolcow because I can't reach out to anyone without feeling like a horrible ugly burden who'd be better off dead.
I just wanna die. How do you stop wanting to die when you've wanted it for so long? How do you reach out to anyone you care about when every cell in your body feels like its screaming at you that it's a terrible idea and that you're just a nuisance to them all?

No. 180462

Write it and post it. Even if no one responds just getting it off your chest may prove therapeutic. And who knows, maybe you'll find some understanding too.

No. 180463

I think I'm getting paranoid. I only had your classic autism+depression+anxiety combo, but since december I've became totally hypochondric and I get cancer scares all the time. First I thought I had a tumor somewhere in my brain or ear canal because of hearing loss in one ear and headaches. I had an MRI done and there was nothing except sinusitis. Then I accidentally saw a video of a woman in her late 40s or 50s who had to have her nose amputated because she got nasal cancer. I started reading about it and getting paranoid that, despite the fact it's pretty rare, it will happen to me. I had nightmares about living with a hole in my face or having my face eaten by cancer and dying in terrible pain. I started spending even more money on doctors, but of course, they couldn't find anything else in my nose except swelling from allergy. I keep telling myself that having that constant inflamation and infections in my nose and sinuses raises the risk of getting nasal/sinus cancer in the future. I also have TMJ and I often experience pain in my jaw. So there's another thought "what if I get jaw cancer and get it diagnosed too late because I will assume all the painful sensations are just TMJ symptoms?" I'm also afraid of getting mouth/tongue cancer. Generally speaking, I'm constantly afraid something will eat my face. I can think about it for the entire day. I get panic attacks and I can't sleep, sometimes I don't eat either. My brain goes like "even if you don't have it now, you WILL definitely get it sometime in the future, so there's no point in even taking care of yourself now, you will lose your face anyway". I feel too scared to do any skin care routine. I feel like there's no point in taking care of my face. There's also this thought that if I ever make an effort to look pretty, I'm going to be "punished" for it. I'm too scared to do anything in order to like my body, especially my face, because if I get sick, it will be even more traumatic to experience losing my beauty. I'm dissociating from my body to cope. Idk what to do, I can't talk about it to anyone irl because I know no one will take me seriously. And if I go to a psychiatrist they will just prescribe me drugs that probably won't help me anyway, just like all the drugs that were supposed to help me with my depression

No. 180791

Fuck, it’s SO hard to get an appointment with a psychiatrist right now. After finally wrangling a single one, she called me to let me know that she double-booked me by mistake and can’t fit me back into her schedule. I was so relying on this appointment to give me a sliver of hope for getting better. I wish to god I could somehow order the prescription I need off the dark web or something, I can’t go any longer feeling the way I do.

No. 180870

Look for someone online. There are services that will let you video chat with a psychiatrist who will prescribe you whatever you need after like a 15 min apt. I thought it might be a scam but I know someone who was having a hell of a time finding a doc in their location (especially without insurance) but they were able to get a legit adderall prescription for the cost of ~$60 appointment. They just requested the meds and then confirmed they feel distracted a lot, had a history of impulsivity and disorganization, etc. These people are basically legal drug dealers, you don't even need to provide an extensive medical history to prove you need whatever you're after.

No. 180957

Hi, anons. I have BPD and have been managing my symptoms quite well with DBT and medications. Now, even without medications, I'm tentatively going to say I can still manage it well.

My psychiatrist also diagnosed with with Bipolar Type II a while ago, but I never gave it much thought because I felt my BPD was a far bigger issue. It was, but now that I can manage a lot of the symptoms, I realize his diagnosis of Bipolar II has a lot of merit. See, I'll be productive for a week or two, then I'll fall into depressive episodes where all I can do is stay in bed. I can manage myself okay, but it's like I fall off completely. Is there any way to manage this? I've been off my antidepressant for 2 months now and my mood stabilizer, I'm waiting for it to show up in my mailbox. I also take two antipsychotics, seroquel (as needed), and risperidone (daily and as-needed). Are there ways to combat the depressive phases? I find it so hard to get up out of bed, mostly. I don't know how to explain it. It's like a prison.

No. 180970

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I can't remember several years of my childhood and teens and it fucks with me. Obviously I remember the shit I've learned like math and how to drive but barely anything that I did or what was going on in my life, my clearest memories are things that I imagined or just me crying and hiding. I hope it's because my life was just really mundane and boring and that made me cry but I don't know because I can't even remember whether nothing was going on? I grew up in a neglectful home so maybe I just didn't make any memories because almost no one was interacting with me? The few memories I do have feel like I'm watching them in the third person and like they happened to someone else. I feel like such a weird asshole when a new friend asks me to open up and talk about my life growing up because I can't come up with anything to tell them. Is this a normal brain thing or am I losing it sisters?

No. 180984

Does anyone else have intense feelings of despair or get worse suicidal ideation when working? I'm not bad at work, I'm great at masking and putting on an act for customer service, and sometimes I can turn my brain off for a bit. But when I get home and have to mentally prepare myself for my next shift, I just feel like I want to die. I can't stop wondering how my much older coworkers are still alive. The feelings snowball even more because I feel like such a loser for not being able to put up with a little bit of work. I'm not even full-time, I'm barely making it through my shifts, and the only reason I have been is because of my ADHD medication.
Possibly related is I might have undiagnosed autism/aspergers. My appointment to find out is all the way in December, I just want to know so I can find more specific coping mechanisms or help. Among other issues, it makes me feel horrifically lonely and I feel like I'll never have a successful relationship or success with life in general (like college, career, etc).
Shit is just dark right now and I don't know how to claw my way out. It's only going to get worse soon, because my grandma is dying of cancer. She's the only person I have a normal familial relationship with, and I adore her to bits. I don't know how I'm going to handle her being gone.
Sorry for the blogpost. I feel like everyone I care about is getting annoyed with me so I've been bottling things up.

I'm a little bit similar, sometimes other people will have to remind me of my own memories. When I don't want to remember anything, sometimes old, painful memories will resurface anyways (like your crying and hiding). Nowadays I feel like almost everything I remember that isn't from the past 3-4 years happened to someone else entirely, or a past life. Neglect is still trauma. I'm sorry I don't have any better answers for you, but you're not alone.

No. 180991

I've been on much better medication lately and I've been feeling like myself for the first time since I can remember, really but today I still had an off day. Where I didn't really do anything and indulged in bad habits? Stressed out from school and work so I pretty much avoid everything and everyone. Is this still normal?

No. 181057

Haven't posted before, so here goes…

I've been struggling with bipolar 2 for, fuck, seven years and we finally found a combo of meds that works somewhat for me and my depressive episodes, which have been constant.

After that, I was transferred due to internal changes in the structure of the hospital and had a new psychiatrist that doesn't know me and basically said all my problems with sleep (that started after quitting olanzapine) are because I'm not regular enough in my living habits. My husband was shocked since I'm super anal about stuff like that and it made me literally cry, I was so upset.

Now I'm waiting to speak to a psych nurse for the first time in 3 months (she also doesn't know me, though she is a nice lady and was kind of shocked that I have nothing to help me sleep) so I can complain about how tired I am even though I don't feel depressed. I just feel like I'm at the mercy of my fatigue and since quitting olanzapine I started having my periods again with horrible PMS, migraines, and joint pains. I just am at a loss about what to do.

I guess I'll go see a doctor about the periods and migraines and hope for some kind of solution since my psychiatrist doesn't take me seriously.

It just makes me so fucking mad to have changed my life habits, put in the work (changing my diet, reaching out to people, distancing my mother, sleeping as regularly as I'm able to, and even try and do exercise, though I've been too tired to do much of that, what with sleeping for 16 hours a day, etc.) for some man tell me I'm not doing enough. Fuck him.

I wish I wasn't on disability and could afford something else than public healthcare. I miss the last psychiatrist I had, she was no bullshit (told me to get my shit together with diet, relationships, exercise, etc.) but still took my complaints seriously. I just feel like I haven't been heard and understood, I'm the model patient, I take my meds, I do as I'm told and it isn't working and I'm frustrated. I don't have depression and hypomania, but I'm too fucking tired and hurting all the time to achieve anything and I'd like to start studying next fall. Ugh. Cheer me up?

No. 182375

Kek realized that I might actually have fibromyalgia.

No. 182595

Many, many years of no contact later, I'm still trauma bonded to my first boyfriend. My current relationship, even though it's happy, doesn't seem to compare because it lacks the insane intensity of highs and lows, as well as the "us against the world" dynamic. I feel like I still love my abuser even though I also hate him and realize that he was a shit person. I don't know how to unfuck this. I'm afraid that I will always feel like this and love him despite myself.

No. 182601

I think part of it is acknowledging that you don't necessarily need to stop having feelings for your ex? Even the worst people usually have some decent qualities, and those are the things we clung to before getting out. It's not wrong to recognize there were good times as well as bad so long as you don't fall back into feeling you need to trade one for the other. Have you worked much on yourself since the relationship ended? Therapy, workbooks, hobbies, anything? I think having an outlook where you're willing to accept abuse is something that needs to be directly addressed rather than just assuming you're better because you left. That is, you can recognize and avoid negative behaviors now, but that doesn't necessarily mean you've truly let them go in your head. I'm not blaming you for the abuse, but the fact you're still craving the exciting aspects shows you have a somewhat maladaptive view of "love." I'm still working on this myself, but for me it's been useful to replace the emotional intensity I had with my ex with activities that are also exciting but healthier. (Rock climbing, surfing, solo travel, dance.) Preferably something that gets you a bit outside your comfort zone for the endorphin rush. The intensity with my ex wasn't intimacy, it was an addictive pattern that got me hooked because it distracted from the numbness and pain in my personal life. Those feelings were rooted in my own issues and self image which I needed to face, even though he exacerbated them. The more fulfillment and enthusiasm you can develop on your own, the less you'll feel like you need to rely on him to get those feelings.

No. 183056

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What are some ways I can improve my anxiety day-to-day from home? I cannot afford to go to therapy in my country. I do however want to implement some strategies at home as I sit around all day depressed and after finishing a big load of uni work I don't know what to do with myself and feel guilty I'm not doing something. Video games/TV shows filled the void for a bit but now I get distracted after 10 minutes and turn them off. What helps you fellow anxiety anons?

No. 183059

I know it sounds stupid but yoga and meditation, sometimes reading too

No. 183061

I second reading. Also maybe doing something physical? I started skateboarding this year and it's been great as an outlet for nervous energy that turns into anxiety if I just sit around at home. Just going on a walk is good too.

No. 183185

Reading, yoga, knitting

No. 183218

I am so fucking angry all the time and all they ever give me is an antidepressant or mood stabilizer
It is not helping
I am so angry I am in physical pain and I cannot concentrate on anything

No. 183241

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I have intrusive thoughts that always try to convince me I'm an evil person / sociopath.

I will look back at all my interactions and feel like I was just putting on an act to use / manipulate people because I am inherently evil and selfish.

I'm not a perfect person but I try to be honest and kind to people who treat me that way too. It sucks because even though I'm aware of these thoughts and think they're untrue they're really hard to stop and not get pulled into.

No. 183254

Not stupid in the sligthest, I will give these all a try. I'm up for anything and sick of denying that exercise helps, lol. It definitely does. I'd love to get into knitting, too. Thanks anons, I appreciate these activities!

No. 184323

My mental health has deteriorated in the past year.
I rarely feel like the person I used to be.

I have strong medication that keeps me from collapsing mentally BUT one of my medications causes weight gain.
I have reached a weight where I’m not comfortable and now I miss the person I was, mentally and physically. I have to talk about this issue with my doctor If there are alternatives for this medication but at the same time I’m afraid of losing the balance I have reached.

I feel so lonely because I’m unable to connect with people who were important for me in the past. My friends get frustrated because I react differently.
The things I used to love feel like old crap that last resident left to my apartment. Meeting up with a friend after long time feels like performance where I try to remember my lines: what would old me say about this?
I’m grateful that I had to keep my feelings for two of my closest friends. There are raremoments when I can enjoy my old self’s company but it’s mentally draining to keep her from disappearing.

No. 184351

Was diagnosed with Cyclothymia (on the less severe side of the bipolar spectrum) about 5 months ago. I very obviously suffer from PTSD from childhood abuse as well. Coming to terms with how codependent I am. I always question myself and wonder if thinking I deserve more out of a relationship is narcissism. My therapist asked if I thought my ex was a covert-narcissist and I'm not sure. I feel like everytime I think of an instance I feel compelled to explain it away, to defend him. This isn't new, I always felt this way when speaking about our issues.

I'm working through this break up pretty well, I'm functioning and steadily looking for a new place/packing. I'm afraid this is a bout of mania and I'll lose steam.

No. 184376

I feel like im wasting my new therapist's time because I just want to die. I dont think I'm fixable. Every day I hope I get in a fatal car accident or secretly have a life threatening disease.

No. 184377

If it's any consolation sociopaths don't worry if they're sociopaths. They either think it's actually a benefit, don't care or don't even notice.

No. 184995

Anyone who has experience with pmdd? I feel so lost about it and at some times it becomes unbearable and like I'm not myself anymore, is there anything you can do about it?

No. 185050

Do you keep a period tracker or a mood journal? I deal with this and I've found over the months since implementing having a period tracker, it helps to expect when it's bound to happen. It's like playing reverse psychology with the PMDD, because it usually tries to get you when it's "sudden" or you're anticipating the symptoms with fear. Welcome it.

No. 185190

yeah I track it all and it helps me somewhat with not feeling crazy about it but sometimes I just get so depressed and suicidal, and although I know this will pass it's just debilitating sometimes. I should look on the tracker more often though

No. 185195

Im dealing with pmdd as well. At the beginning I thought I'm bipolar. Then I discovered that its linked to my menstrual cycle. Through observing my feelings then and really going through them my pmdd gets gradually better. It was so bad that I've cut myself, cried every time when looking into the mirror and a deep sense of hopelessness. Now I'm pissed af sometimes at the time I would normally sit in the shower ugly crying and thinking about the last words I'm going to tell my loved ones.
Also I started to tell myself when its time for my crazy that yes its really really bad now and its ok to cry

No. 185201

I'm glad you're handling it better now, I've had chronic depression ever since I was 13 and not receiving the actual help I needed, I was an undiagnosed autistic. Now I can handle myself quite well and I know the depression that comes with pmdd will 'lift' with my cycle but it still sucks and its painful. I'm glad I'm not alone with it though I haven't known anyone who has pmdd

No. 185210

Thank you, I hope you are going to be better as well. I also consume turmeric daily. Its meant to help with pms.

No. 185384

I made a list of people who are toxic or unhealthy for me and have started to cut them out of my life. Today I blocked someone who I was extremely attached to but recognise that they took advantage of my vulnerability and groomed me into something they could use. In a sick way the problems I had with them made the bond a million times stronger. But they had to go and this feeling I feel right now fucking sucks. I guess I just never imagined it would, after everything, with me making the decision to ghost them.

I'll be better off for it but fuck does it hurt. I can't keep letting people prey on my mental health issues and use me. I'll grow from this but I fucking hate that this is what it takes to grow and heal

No. 185406

What made you decide to ghost them instead of tell them you don't want to stay in contact with them anymore for these reasons? I want to do this with some people, the list is such a good idea, but I'm torn between ghosting and trying to be assertive by explaining the problem, I just don't want it to go back and forth.

No. 185500

A lot of these people are toxic. By which I mean they're the kind of people to gaslight and manipulate situations to absolve their responsibility. Every single one of these people have abused me and my trust in some way and I don't owe them an explanation anymore. They know what they did and they don't deserve a grand farewell. I wont give them the courtesy they denied me

No. 185661

im relapsing on my ED hard and I want to cry in the bathroom at work for eating a granola bar what the fuck is wrong with me im supposed to be a grown ass adult

No. 185712

Does exposure to anxiety stressors help to reduce it? Because it never fucking works in my case. I'm >>178874 anon.
So I go for a walk with dog as always. It get a little better after some time. I thought, that it's getting better but now, 3-2 days ago it get worse again. Walking with dog now is unbearable… I don't have panic attacks (yet) but I feel very dizzy and my body is paralyzed and I can't walk.
It's been fucking MONTH, why the fuck it got worse again? For no fucking reason? Why didn't I get better, even thought I had been walking for a month now.
I'm so fucking done. I'm a fucking adult and I can't function like one.

Sorry anon, for some reason I haven't seen your post. I'm on a gluten-free, lactose-free, zero sugar diet now. I was on a low carb diet but saw no improvement. Honestly I don't like yoga that much but I do exercise at home, and when my anxiety isn't that high, I go for a walk alone to the park.

No. 185731

lol I feel u anon… it's always over the most insignificant shit.

I had a small meltdown over gaining 2 pounds and I'm so fucking sick of having an ED. I'm too scared to tell someone in rl about it bc I feel like they're just going to take it away from me and then I'll have to live the rest of my life content with being chubs

No. 186002

people who complain about muh evil bpds probably deserve whatever the evil bpd in question did to them

we are karmic forces from hell who descended on earth to rebalance it and punish retards

No. 186004

Did you just doublepost and catch yourself mid mood shift? kek

No. 186005

i guess

No. 186006

i just find it weird how people who have a bad experience with a woman diagnose her with bpd without accepting any responsibility. very transparent behaviour

No. 186320

ok ebony

No. 186329

My name is Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way and I'm a vampire and am sent from hell to punish retards. I get my name from

No. 186475

I've been in therapy and taking antidepressants and I was doing really well but yesterday and today I've had major meltdowns for no reason, with yesterday's ending in me hurting myself. I'm really upset because it feels like I've failed again and the meds were supposed to help with my dramatic mood swings so why am I suddenly having issues again after being perfectly fine this past month? shit sucks

No. 186491

I have really serious diagnosed body dysmorphia, and I think I aged badly. I’m 26 and I think I look 35 already, bloated and puffy in the face, saggy, thin skinned, basically I’m gonna kill myself over this soon. I’m living in my own personal hell

No. 186634

I mean it's telling b/c people with BPD and narcissists tend to fall into relationships together.

No. 186652

I'm not bpd but I got out of a bad relationship a few years ago and after some time processing the whole thing I ended up watching a bunch of vids on youtube where professionals talk about recognizing signs of abuse and why some people are more vulnerable to it. Bpds and npds came up alot.

The fear of abandonment that bpds have appeals to npds because it feeds their ego whenever a partner begs them not to leave. The npd will purposely go cold with you from time to time.. in a planned manner, knowing most bpds will desperately cling in response. Then that becomes a cycle and its repeated til the npd grows bored or finds someone new to start it on.

No. 186667


Yep. And then it gets really confusing with combo clusters of both npd/bpd or related traits.
Ego/self and personal security… DBT needs to be taught in schools.

No. 187067

I've had anxiety and depression since childhood. I later found out I'd been diagnosed with avpd at some point but they never told me. Had full on agoraphobia at one time and I still have a limited comfort zone.

So on paper I guess I have the most basic mental health shite going on, muh anxiety. At times though I've had stress affect me to the point where my grasp on reality started to break. I've had delusions and I've acted erratic and made the most counterproductive choices when faced with a dilemma. That part truly scares me, losing touch for a few weeks and my life quickly crumbling apart during that short episode. I try to limit stress as much as I can to avoid any relapse. It doesn't happen often but I was in hospital twice with delusions triggered by high stress. 3 months in there each time. I had to rebuild my life after each stay. When shit like that happens who is there for you.. your parent.

Lately I have an ex from way too long ago popping up again and taking every route he can to contact me and weirdly my dad (who frustratingly is blind to how fucked my ex has acted since the split) He's sending me mocking emails and then making normal small talk with my dad through text on the same days…after years of silence. I don't live near my dad and he's not tech savvy so there's no way to forward him the taunting emails I got. I told him but his lack of concern was odd. I'm worried my ex will lie to my dad about something and turn him against me. That's hanging over my head. We spent years together, he's not unaware of the consequences of such stress and yet here he is poking and prodding. This has the potential to mess me up if it reaches a boiling point.

I just hate how people with none of these issues can have zero conscience about fucking with you. I say people..scrotes. It's usually scrotes getting petty like they would with any old ex..with no consideration of how extra shitty it is.

No. 187076

Nobody cared about this, but I take it back I guess. I started a new job today and everyone thought I was 19

No. 187420

How do anons deal with the fact that they will never be able to connect with another human being on any meaningful level/ not feel lonely and misunderstood as fuck? Really struggling rn

No. 187439

You're probably overthinking and that's a deeper problem, but for now, you could get a pet or some beautiful plants. You take care of them and you can talk to them too

No. 187469

I have such a hard time dealing with this. I don't have friends nor do I know how to maintain friendships or relationships, I don't think I will ever be close with anyone except family.

I'm so sorry about that, anon. people truly suck ass. this is why I'm always afraid to talk about my mental issues.

No. 187471

Kinda figured, you sounded extremely hyperbolic considering you have BDD and at 26 I doubted you could look that ragged. Glad you got a dose of reality, although 35 is not old btw and anyone who has “puffy, saggy, thin” skin at that age has been leading a rough fucking life.

No. 187478

I don't mind, I don't think people can fully understand each other so I don't expect them to. I'm sorry, I know that probably doesn't help.

No. 188343

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I’m signing up to do ketamine for the first time, are there any anons who have tried it and have experiences/tips? I’ve dealt with increasingly worse depression since I was 10 and have tried bout everything else. The doc says 40-70% of people see significant improvement which is getting me hopeful though I try not to hope. But I’ve never done any recreational drugs before (not even alcohol) and have only had surgery anesthesia a couple times, so I’m kinda nervous to go tripping out.

No. 188344

Yes, I did the IV treatments. Bring some classical music to listen to. It's nothing to be afraid of. I didn't have any hallucinations, I just felt like I was falling/coming in and out of consciousness. If you panic they can stick a benzo in your IV. Dr can tell if you're panicking by your heart rate, so you won't need to communicate it. It helped me reset my negative thoughts but I still needed a med after to keep me stable.

No. 188346

Are you doing a micro dose that's just for depression, or are you going to 'do ketamine' in the same way people who take it recreationally do?
If it's just a tiny bit to combat depression, you probably won't feel much, since you only need very little for that. Maybe you'll be a little dizzy, but anything you do feel won't last for more than 45 minutes to an hour, and won't be intense at all. Like the other anon said maybe bring some music, but as long as you aren't taking a recreational dosage there's not much to worry about.

No. 189800

ugh i've been diagnosed with adhd and anxiety but i'm like 99% sure i have some bpd or emotional dysregulation type shit

am i crazy i have like this friend who idk i hate and resent and am jealous of but also need to know if she's online or not, succeeding in life or not, what she's doing, if she's doing 'better' than me, have also masturbated to her and it's just this crazy relationship with a person that's prolly all in my head, like she doesn't give half a fuck about it probably and that's the worst part, like she's genuinely been shitty to me in the past - been dismissive, judgmental, bitched about me and i made a vow to like just not talk to her cuz it fucking fucks up my entire day and head and i hate how much power my brain gives her. recently she mentioned she was gonna go on a trip to some farmhouse place that belongs to a fam friend and i immediately started feeling so resentful and angry and mad cuz i feel like she's gonna get the 'nature' hoe experience and she casually mentioned 'you can come' and i just kinda ignored it because it would break my 'just fucking ignore her n let it go' feels but i know it's gonna kill me to see her 'enjoying nature' or woteva and that's what i wanna do too and i don't have any rich friends with houses in the hills and this feels like a ticket to go there but since i already ignored the q i don't wanna pm her and be like 'when r u going ill try to come' like i just feel like i have to go so she doesn't get to go alone and have a great solitude experience while i rot at home. now i can't do anything else because like i want her to ask me again (i don't wanna ask her cuz i ignored the last q) but what if she doesn't and just goes and i don't even get a chance to say yes when i kinda do really wanna go now? i don't wanna say anything immediately cuz i don't wanna sound desperate like i'm thinking about it and i was trying to maintain this 'not bothered/cut her off' persona and this would break it fucking hell i mean it would be ideal to wait for a week and see what happens but i can't think about anything else rn this is crazy, and i hate myself for being so sucked into this

what's the fucking issue, that i can't see people 'winning' or doing better than me? that my life sucks and i have no opportunities while everyone around me does? like it really feels like this is my chance to go enjoy some nice place with nice vibes and that's kinda what i want my future to look like/my dream future and i'm so resentful of her living that out that i feel like i need to be there and there's no other option for me, and cuz we're technically friends (if she only knew half these thots i have about her lol), it's NBD right?

idk if this is a vent thread or what but i just need to let out these vile jealous crazy bitch thoughts somewhere or i will die

No. 189824

obligatory disclaimer: I am not a medical professional or anything, just some rando on the internet who's also been diagnosed with ADHD and who's read a fair amount of the scientific literature on ADHD to better manage my condition

Emotional dysregulation is not officially in the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, but many professionals studying ADHD believe it should be added because it is seen in a large number of adult cases. This article https://chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-news-adults/emotions-feel-like-too-much-it-could-be-a-symptom-of-adhd/ and this one https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4282137/ explain it in more detail, and it sounds like what you're describing.

As for your friend-obsession, I'm not really sure what to tell you. Have you tried blocking her on social media/any platform she can contact you, including blocking her number? That might not help as much if you still have to see her irl, but it could at least temporarily remove her from your mind. Whether or not she actually is more successful than you or whatever, it doesn't sound like keeping tabs on her is doing you any favors, especially if she wasn't a good friend to you in the past.

No. 190465

I'm basically a zombie at this point. Unable to concentrate and to learn things, I can't even talk properly. My brain is dead

No. 197731

I was on it for a short time and knew people who were on it longer, it's one of the worst meds for causing weight gain. I liked how I felt on it but noticed gain in the first few weeks and then didn't want to stick around to see how far it'd go

No. 197870

i've recently lost my job due to depression/bpd and phone call anxiety. it ruins my life tbh. especially the phone call anxiety, because it's a requirement to call in sick via phone and not e-mail in most companies. they told me i should call them 2 times the day i was feeling depressed and i just couldn't do it. then i just didn't do anything and promptly got fired

No. 197935

bpd-anons, is it possible to have anxiety/social phobia/avoidant pd and BPD at the same time??

Always had intense social anxiety & GAD but used to be able to make some friends and be outgoing: I could give myself confidence by secretly doing a load of "bad things", which I'm worried is actually BPD:

(after being abused from birth by my fucked up parents)
-compulsively lying, stealing, cheating, getting away with it 99% of the time
-enjoying saying incredibly mean things about people
-self harming & faking illness (despite having a real chronic illness which I always kept secret & untreated despite it being diagnosed)
-very strong empathy but only using it to make people see me the right way, or give me something
-hating myself but still feeling superior to everyone, totally self obsessed but very self aware
-Always needing to have a secret, like secretly smoking indoors when I could've gone outside, secret drinking/drugs at work etc despite not being addicted, secretly stealing from friends (to watch them regret being stolen from & not know it was me), secretly starving myself
-taking huge risks/impulsive life-changing decisions just because I'm upset, normally I'm very cautious
-Having no boundaries on purpose and letting myself be abused when I could've prevented it, just for the drama
-Did something so bad to my best friend (and first gay crush) that her family moved house, she knew it was me but nobody believed her. Still don't know why I did it & I miss her.
-I can't watch someone be in physical pain/crying though, love kids & animals, never attacked anyone, always avoided being arrested, not a psychopath I swear

Anyway I was only able to socialise and feel confident while I did this shit, which would always blow up in my face in the end and I'd need to cut off everyone who'd got a glimpse of the real me (or be cut off myself, been literally called evil before). Did this over and over until I'd lost everyone, changed schools multiple times etc.

When I fell in love with my boyfriend I swore I'd stop all these behaviours so he wouldn't ever find out who I really am & leave me. Never loved anyone before and this time I actually managed to stop the worst shit, apart from some blips, but I lost all my confidence. I can only be outgoing if nobody in the situation knows me & then I go straight back on my bullshit. Being a stranger is like having freedom to be myself (evil), and nowadays I use that idea as an excuse to never meet new people. I don't want to be like this. I'm too old for this shit (30), and I'm so alone, despite being successful in my very isolated career. I actually switched careers to avoid having to meet people because socialising is impossible for me unless I'm channelling Ted Bundy.

yeah I know this is long but you're the only ones I can tell nonnies. am I BPD, if so what do

No. 197943

no, you're just evil and that's coming from a bpdfag.

No. 197945

I commend you for you honesty nonnie. Could be bipolar/BPD overlap tbh. Impulsive, feel like you need to keep secrets, having a social vs. private face, lack of boundaries, etc.

Tbh I'd seek out a professional instead of asking lc. If you're introspective enough to recognize your fucked up traits, it's time to go a bit further and find the root cause so that you can address these bits of you and rework them so that you're not hurting people. Find healthy ways to redirect your tendencies. (I mean if you enjoy saying bad things about people, I suppose channeling that into gossip sites like this is healthier than bringing that behavior into your irl social sphere.)

Best of luck on reigning that behavior in! Sounds like a nightmare to live in! It isn't sustainable.

No. 197949

>enjoying saying incredibly mean things about people
>secretly stealing from friends to watch them regret being stolen from
What do you find enjoyable about these things? Since you say that you also have
>very strong empathy

No. 197962

Get help, Jesus Christ

No. 198206

>not a psychopath I swear
uhh…are you sure?

No. 198348

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On my psych np's orders, I went from 37.5 mg of Effexor to 0, and holy shit. I have been almost completely out of commission for three days now with what is basically the flu combined with a chemically-induced acute depressive episode.
I managed to drag myself to work on thurs and fri, but I was completely unproductive. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I'm not feeling better by Monday. (Being a mental healthlet, I don't currently have any sick days to spare.)
How the fuck are these sort of withdrawal symptoms acceptable in a drug?? If I could stand to be on my feet for more than 5 minutes, I'd be coming for the makers of this drug I s2g

No. 198357

they really should educate people more about withdrawing from this stuff. had to stop taking my meds and for days it felt like life was in slow motion and I would fall every time I stopped walking

No. 198364

My ex was an extreme BPDfag and could've written this so yeah, you probably are. The self sabotage, weird mix of no self esteem yet still arrogant, pathological lying, risk taking and wanting to fuck people over but also wanting them to like you. All I can say is that you cannot fix your problems by just willing them away. I promise you. You need to follow a system and commit to working on it every. Single. Day. Don't get comfortable or else you will backslide. Ideally get therapy with someone who specializes in BPD, but if that's too intimidating or too expensive, look into DBT workbooks. Dr. Daniel Fox is another good resource, he has a full series of free videos on managing BPD on Youtube.

No. 198684

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update for anyone that sees this in the future: my symptoms were getting better, but verrry slowly. I decided to get back on the Effexor and resume the taper. 37.5 mg is the smallest dose of the XR version, so I've been opening up the capsules and counting out pellets with a toothpick. I've resumed at 12mg a day, and while I'm still slightly symptomatic (mild headaches, dizziness when walking), I'm no longer incapacitated and I can do my work.
Note: the pellet thing isn't safe for all medications. Check with ur doctor if you're considering doing something similar, blah blah

No. 200143

Any Cluster A nonnies here (preferably SPD/STPD)? I'm currently in need of some bonding over pd-specific shit

No. 200174

I tapered off 75 mg a few years ago. You can try taking one 35 mg every other day, then every second, then every third. That was easier than trying to divvy up the pellets

No. 200197


this made me feel better about my BPD. But I can relate to the high you get off of hurting/fucking someone over. The guilt usually gets to me first though.

First step is realizing you have a problem. I'd recommend therapy. I also think you should be honest with your boyfriend. If you love him he deserves to know what he's getting into. Don't just drop the crazy on the guy. If he runs let him go. Don't manipulate the situation to be the victim. Infact, you should try vilianizing yourself more, the bad feels you get from actually admitting your shit will stick with you, and then it will be less and less fun.

Reserve the Ted Bundy energy for people who actually deserve it (yes they do exist. Some people are scum)

No. 200204

I hope I never ever meet someone like you.

No. 200242

I'm schizotypal, I need bonding too

No. 200277

Hey nona! I've actually never met another schizotypal gal, that's quite extraordinary.

How is your daily life, how do you manage? Do you have irl friends?

Currently, I'm trying to force myself out of the vicious cycle that long term isolation is, because it has REALLY taken a toll on my cognitive capabilities, especially my speech. One of my biggest insecurities is that I feel like a proper retard every time I talk to somebody in real life, because I get nervous, and can never find the right words in time, so I word-salad instead, trail off, stutter and stumble over every sentence.

A friend keeps asking me to meet up, but I always put it off, because just the thought of it makes me cringe, even though it would be the perfect opportunity for me to practice.

It's so ironic being born the most social creature in the world, but your brain and gut instinctually detests socialization, because it feels unnatural. I wish I was born a sparrow or something

No. 200287

any anons take citalopram (Celexa?). I've got a script but am scared to take it, mainly due to sexual side effects, gaining weight, etc. I also can't afford to be mentally foggy at my job.

Mainly prescribed it for social anxiety and extreme introversion. I want to be one of those people who desires to be social, and apparently SSRIs can help with that. I can go without social interaction for weeks and be perfectly fine, but I don't want to be this way.

No. 200418

Hey anon. I'm not on it anymore (or any psych med – I needed it to get over a bout of extreme agoraphobia) but I feel pretty good about my experience with citalopram. I was also afraid of mental fog, but that wasn't a problem. It did make orgasm harder, but not actually impossible – I couldn't make it happen for like one or two months, but I got there soon afterward, and it ended up just being a thing that took slightly more time. I did gain some weight, but to be honest, that could be because I was living with my ex at the time, whose shit diet influenced mine. Even then, it wasn't much, and it came off easily. All in all, I'm happy with it. It stopped having as much of an effect after about a year, but I'd built the new brain connections I wanted to and going off it was easy.

No. 200508

>I've never met another schizotypal gal, that's quite extraordinary

true and neither have I. I think schizotypals in general are rare, but also I think we tend to be stealthy

>How is your daily life, how do you manage? Do you have irl friends?

I don't have IRL friends sadly, even though ideally I would like them. I don't know how to maintain friendships, almost all of my friendships in the past have been incredibly toxic and one sided, if they weren't they were just short lived. not only is maintaining friendships hard but I am really paranoid, the closer I get to people the more paranoid I get about what they're thinking about me (with the exception of family). I do a lot of stuff with my sister.

>One of my biggest insecurities is that I feel like a proper retard every time I talk to somebody in real life, because I get nervous, and can never find the right words in time, so I word-salad instead, trail off, stutter and stumble over every sentence.

girl I do the same thing!! I'm always having imaginary conversations in my head, and in there I'm so well spoken…. but then when I go to actually talk it's a bunch of fumbling, a bunch of word salad and a bunch of "ummm" and "like"

>A friend keeps asking me to meet up, but I always put it off, because just the thought of it makes me cringe, even though it would be the perfect opportunity for me to practice.

I kinda know the feeling, I started to become friends with this one girl at work, and even though I'd get excited to see her I would also feel really tense about it. she moved to a different store though and I haven't heard from her since.

and I've also had similar thoughts about being born a human. like in the past I've thought I should have been born a fox or something.

No. 200650

Anon is the realest - thank you for your honesty. It's helped me accept my similar but not identical traits. Anons may judge you, but they're in denial. They're here, aren't they?!
I wish you love and happiness

No. 200699

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>They're here, aren't they?!
I do appreciate her honesty, but some of the things she admits to are literal crazy bitch behavior. Sure, we all probably have simultaneous superiority and inferiority complexes, but I guarantee that 95% of us are not this unstable and self-destructive. Openly sabotaging others and attention-seeking to this degree is really, really abnormal behavior, and it's very odd that you seem to think otherwise.

No. 200761

What you consider odd is what people need to realize they're in denial about. Especially with narcs and their victims - acknowledging and accepting evil bitch traits is impossible to someone whose self- worth literally depends on their inflated superiority. It would destroy their will to live of they were to see themselves 'the same' as their abuser/s.

I'm not on the same spectrum of 'un/conscious evil anon', but I have met and attracted these girls my whole life. I have internalized a lot of their abuse as they would emotionally/sexually/physically abuse me and then quickly gaslight when confronted because they would refuse to understand/accept that they too have inflicted pain, just like their abuser. Self victimization is more accessible than accountability when the person has zero self worth. We see it all the time in /snow and /pt.

I'm also over 30 and the girls I grew up with were raised in the 80s. Life was different. Abuse wasn't talked about like it is now. There was no validation for bravery in speaking out. With attention seeking and validating the trauma defense for likes, people are in denial on how they are contributing to the same cycle of abusive behavior.

Trauma, abandonment, and narcissism: Nice girls can be jacky&hydes too. If she can sit with herself and not run away from her toxicity, great! Even better if she wants to be better.

Besides, The world needs more machiavellian women when we're getting gaslit by entitled scrotal narcs on a global scale.

No. 200763

but how do you know if anyone here is like that unless you know them personally?

No. 200765

Read the thread.

And see >>197935 for the op.

No. 200851

I feel pathetic for having mental/emotional problems because even though I've had traumatizing experiences, I always think about people who had it worse, and still go on with their lives. It's like I don't think I deserve to be sad or upset. Does anyone relate?

No. 201004

I attribute it to being a daughter of a narcissist who didn't let me feel my own feelings or emotions when they happened… I was conditioned early to think about others before I whine/cry.

The culture has also made an unspoken precident that white girl problems should be reduced and refocused on the how worse other more marginalized people have it. Social conditioning if your online alot.

It all adds up.

I hope that you find unconditional inner compassion for what you are feeling, no matter how small you want to reduce ur feelings. Your inner voice says "you shouldn't feel so bad" maybe to keep making you feel small, belittled and unworthy of compassion. Shut that b up, give yourself a hug and be there for your self how you would want to be cared for.

No. 201015

what's the difference between normal low self-esteem and BDD?

it seems like i'm getting more neurotic about my insecurities with age when I thought I'd grow out of them at least a bit. I've voiced some of them to people before and I got called crazy. I'm tired of covering up mirrors every other week like I did in middle school. I want to chop off my tits, not in a trans or plastic surgery way, in a "I'm having particularly bad feelings about my body right now and have the urge to physically remove them myself so I don't have to look at or feel them anymore." what normal adult thinks like this, or even still cries about being ugly? I feel crazy and childish and vain. I know it shouldn't matter to me this much but it does and I don't know what to do about it

No. 201017

My bipolar is pretty out of hand but I've avoided therapy because I had a series of hospitalizations/out patient experiences as a teenager that left me pretty afraid of seeking help as an adult. About 5 years ago I decided I needed to get over that and get help but have never really quite found it. I had two therapists who were extremely young and tbh borderline unprofessional (one told me he was in a local band in the area I live and where they'd play for the weekend - at the time I lived an hour and a half from his office.)

But now that I'm ready to seek help again (and avoid the youngins/recent career transfers) I'm finding it impossible to find the level of care I'll probably need. I need weekly sessions, probably medication but I want a solid year of therapy before I attempt that again. I've called 20 therapists now (both through insurance and out-of-pocket) and not single one has called me back in 2 weeks. I left a voicemail basically saying I was interested in setting up an appointment if they have client availability and what my name and number was. And no call backs.

It's so discouraging because i already have to fight the almost natural feeling of not needing help/being capable of getting a handle of this on my own - but now I also have to sort through a long list of, frankly unqualified, individuals just to be ignored. It sucks. It doesn't help that I live just outside a a string of very very rich liberal cities so you have quite a lot of abstract and alternative practitioners whose target audience is the wealthy wine moms.

I need serious care, my auditory hallucinations during periods of mania have definitely increased and have gone from harmless "music playing softly in the other room" to straight up voices of my friends/family saying cruel things or "remembering"/hearing hurtful things they've said in the past. My paranoia i used to laugh off ("there's no way that my dog is actually my coworker watching me and seeing how I live in private") because they were so silly, but now it takes me a few days to unwork some serious paranoias ("my boss is following me home")

I'm lucky that I'm self aware enough that I'm able to recognize when I'm slipping but I'm just so fucking infuriated at the state of our mental health care system. I really can't afford to pay $150-300/per 50 minute sessions but I budget for it anyway because it's a necessity. But now that the profession is inundated with people who are either recent graduates or people who decided to change careers (seeing a lot of previous EMS workers and veterans offering therapy now) I just don't know where to look and how to find the proper care without a $30,000 hospital bill if I admit to any of my symptoms outside of a therapy setting. Sigh. Long rant sorry girls.

No. 201020

Through years of medication and therapy, my depression has gotten insanely better but my anxiety remains.
This werk I snapped with a coworker because he was rude to me and my team. I regret how I acted, not what I said, but my anxiety is killing me by reminding me that I let myself go and got angry with someone. My boss told my it wasn't my fault since the other person was being an idiot, but he agrees that it wasn't the best way for me to communicate the problem.
Anger has been a delicate subject for me because of my past of anger issues, so Everytime (which is rare nowadays, thankfully) this happens, I feel terrible and ashamed.
Everybody's tells me how lovely I am but they joke about me being short temper. I know its a joke, but it makes me feel really bad. I feel like everyone thinks im crazy when I'm actually pretty laid back but sometimes, I snap. I just don't know what to change

No. 201030

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samefag sorry. just venting at this point.
I used to self harm and my urges have been coming back lately, but I only want to cut my breasts and stomach. which is retarded and will just make me feel worse about it than I do. I remember having a really bad moment as a teenager where I cut my breasts, stomach, and face. luckily the face didn't scar at all and the scars on my breasts are pretty hard to see. but the ones on my stomach are very noticeable and raised, regret that one so much

No. 201045

Diagnosed: ADHD, depression, bipolar (I doubt this one tbh)

My parents kicked me out when I was 18 and now that I've had two years out of their control I'm starting to recognize the trauma they caused (just typing that out feels stupid tbh).

My stepdad used to beat and verbally abuse me. He was like a ticking time bomb; sometimes I pissed him off and deserved it, sometimes he would seemingly snap for no reason. It took living with my bf who has never once raised his voice at me to figure out that this feeling of safety is what normal people have.
Whenever a man yells at me I start crying and can't breathe. I don't really know how to explain it but it's like I go back to an exact moment my stepdad was about to beat me and it feels like I'm trapped there, I become terrified and frantic. My heart starts racing and I curl up defensively like I used to, and I'm usually emotionally numb for a while afterwards and end up SHing in some way. Every single time, for as long as I can remember. It's happened at work, school, anywhere I may encounter a man, so I rarely leave the house now.
Because of this and just generally being a sack of shit who can't socialize, I don't have any friends. I used to talk in Discord servers but I cringed at every attempt to socialize I made and it felt like I couldn't pick up on sarcasm or conversation flow at all so I don't do that anymore. I used to have a job but I quit. I tried going to college but I couldn't handle it and dropped out.
I will never be a normal, sane person with a normal life and it's killing me. If I didn't do all the cooking and chores for my bf to make up for being a NEET I'd probably just lay in bed all day every day until I rot. I guess I could try therapy or something but I don't know how to start that, I can't even make a fucking phone call at this point.

Sorry for the long retarded but this is literally the only place I can talk at this point and writing all my bullshit out for the first time feels kind of nice

No. 201061

Yes, you need therapy. If you can't make the phone call, ask your boyfriend to do it.
You can work through your trauma and slowly go back to a life where you make friends, go out with them, study and work. Just go slowly and have patience.

No. 201367

I need to be medicated but I'm too anxious to tell my parents. I hate looking in the mirror, I feel so ugly. I'm scared of people and being around them makes me extremely anxious. I'm a total shut in and I don't want to be. I can't even go outside to take out the trash or get the mail if I see people outside and wait til it's night time to do it. My hygiene sucks. I take a shower once a week. I don't bother brushing it during that time and it gets matted and tangled up. My sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked up. I'm basically a vampire. I sleep during the day and I'm up all night. I think about dying a lot but I won't do anything. I just graduated univerisity in may and the thought of a real world job scares me so much. Everytime I look in the mirror I remember what a loser I am. I have like 2 friends I barely even see. I look atrocious. I'm so self-conscious though I take hours getting ready if i'm going out like shopping or seeing a friend just to look presentable for others to see me. I feel like my self-loathing is giving me gray hairs. I hate my life anons. Why can't I be a normal. I over think everything. EVERYTHING. Anything I do whether its getting water from a vending machine or getting gas, going for a walk, whatever it is I think of every possible scenario that results in me getting physically hurt or just plain humiliated. I'm so lethargic all the time. I'm so lazy. It's literally a struggle just to keep my room tidy enough to not look like pig-sty.

I'm scared of medication anons. What if it makes me gain weight (overeating/ changes my apetite)? Gives me acne? Makes me sexually dysfunctional (can't orgasm)? Insomnia? Balance issues?

I'm embarrassed bringing this up to my mom. I did once when I was a teen but I wasn't nearly as bad back then and she burshed me off. Even now though I'm still the most successful out of my other 2 siblings, so measuring things out she'll think I'm not as bad as them so I don't need it if they don't?? I'm on her insurance so I need her support in this. Even so this is all so embarrassing to say online how tf do I tell someone all this in person.

No. 201371

I became known to mental health services last October after a suicide attempt. I cut my arm open so bad that I passed out and had to have emergency surgery. I was told that the wound gaped six inches wide before they sewed me back up.
The liaison team told me that I probably had BPD and I got put in a programme that's basically DBT with a different label. They told me that if I took that course and took the medication, it would change my life permanently for the better. I tried to kill myself twice more since then, ended up being resuscitated both times. One attempt was this time last week, I wrote DO NOT RESUSCITATE all over my body and took a huge OD. I don't remember most of the last week. I honestly feel violated by the unwanted medical treatment. I have bleary memories of being left, tits akimbo, on a hospital bed in a corridor because they'd cut through my top to give me an ECG. I remember mumbling that I was embarrassed and trying to cover myself and some mean nurse saying "Why? This is what happens when you do silly things like this". They took all my clothes except my underpants and left me in a backless robe walking around, I remember asking over and over again in my delirium if I could have some clothes. The other time I was revived I had catheters and rectal exams without my permission, and later a guard tackled me when I was confused and ended up ripping out the catheter and I was told I might need surgery to repair the damage. He damaged my back so badly I've been crippled and on tramadol and gabapentin for eight months to cope with the resulting nerve damage. I got sectioned and another patient sexually assaulted me during a psychotic episode.
I'm just so tired. The DBT isn't doing anything, it's just techniques to calm down and problem solve. I already know how to do that shit because I am an adult. But all this medical intervention is just ultimately making me worse. I feel like the last year has been so traumatic, I can't even think about it without getting unspeakably upset. I've been raped before, and the upset feels very similar to me; the complete loss of bodily autonomy, how you stop being a person and become an object, nobody listening to you, shame, embarrassment, pain. Nobody being held accountable. I don't know if this is an experience anybody else can relate to.
Anyway the DBT, it just teaches you to cope, and I asked "when do we move on to the part that helps us unlearn the trauma responses that cause us this distress and make us incompatible with the world?" and the psychologist said "oh that's beyond the scope of DBT, you'd probably need something else and might need to go private".
I feel like I've been lied to. None of this takes the awful pain away, it just makes you less of a burden to other people. Nobody cares how you feel. It's all about reducing the impact of BPD on the health budget.
I don't even think I have BPD, I don't meet the criteria. I actively avoid people and try not to depend on them at all emotional. I don't act out. I just keep hurting myself and trying to commit suicide, and I'm a woman, so the WHO assumes I'm BPD and need DBT but nobody is listening to me, not that I ever expected them to. I think I just learnt that the world is painful and I don't want any part in it. It's a choice I'm making, that I don't want to live my entire life just "coping", but they keep me alive just to continue to keep me suffering. I was naïve to think somebody like me could be healed, I'm a scrap of shit. It's just cruel to keep reviving me and sectioning me. I want the big sleep.
Please help me. Please help me. I'm in so much pain and I don't know why. What is actually wrong with me? I don't know who I'm even writing to, but please please help me.

No. 201387

Does anyone else feel like they can't trust their own mind? Whenever something happens that upsets me I can't stop questioning if I'm overreacting, my feelings are valid, if I deserved it and whatever else. I feel like I have no clear perspective on life, I don't know what to do. One moment I feel at peace with it, another moment I'm crying about what a horrible person I am, another moment I can't think it's like my feelings are constantly burning inside me

No. 201395

Anon, the way you've reacted to the shit you've gone through–the anxiety, the panic, the self-loathing–prove that you ARE a sane person. All of your issues are really rational responses to being put through the shit you were put through. That doesn't mean they feel great, or that they're not causing you pain, or that they're irreversible. But you lived life under fucking siege, and your brain grew things like a panic response to yelling men to protect you. That makes complete fucking sense. Even when you think you "deserved" abuse for behaving in whatever way you're remembering, you never did. You have always been doing the best you can, even if you don't see it that way.

Anon, your words are so heavy with shame, and you deserve to be free of it. The "even typing that out felt stupid tbh"–I think everyone on this board understands that little flinch of shame and desire to be like "ugh jfc shut up self." But you DID sustain trauma, and all the shit things in the world that make you feel dramatic/stupid/whatever for naming it that way are wrong. You are doing the best you can in extreme circumstances. You deserve better. And it's a lot more possible than you think. Please seek therapy.

No. 201453

Has anyone heard of RODBT (Radically Open DBT)? What is it? Who does it help? Has anyone had it?

No. 201465

Anon I don't know that I have any words of advice, just wanted to say that I feel your pain and I am so sorry you have been through such trauma and that you are in such agony. I have been in and out of therapy for many many years including psych wards and residential treatments and while I have never had such awful experiences as you, I understand and relate to a lot of what you are saying.

Is there any option for you to discontinue the DBT program, or at least seek therapy from someone who actually knows what they're doing in addition to the program? For me personally, it took a really long time to find actually good therapists to aid me in my journey. I had too many know nothing "counselors" before I actually spoke with legitimate doctors and specialists. And I had to find ones that understood what I was looking for, I didn't want to learn "coping skills," I didn't want band-aids, I wanted to get to the root of my problems and figure out WHY I was the way I was and sort through that shit first and foremost. It seems like that's what you're looking for too. I don't know why it's so hard to find therapists who approach therapy from that angle but I can assure you they're out there and if you're able to find one they can hopefully be of help to you. I'm not going to make it out to be some magic fix, it still took a lot of hard personal work on my end to dig through all that shit, and I was in a pretty awful place when I started doing that work, because I was uncovering all my pathologies and traumas and in a sense grieving while still experiencing the effects of those things on top of it all.

I dunno, all that to say that I think there is some hope. It was probably 10 years before I actually started approaching things in the way I should have and getting the type of help I needed, so I get the feeling of being stuck in that deep dark pit for a long, long time, but I want to think if I could do it there's hope for you too. But I also totally understand someone making the choice to not want to go through that and just end the suffering. I'm sorry you're in the place of having to figure this all out and wish good things for you anon.

No. 201470

File: 1628644447072.png (83.71 KB, 1200x800, 65.png)

Yes. And the more I think about it the more I question the feelings themselves. It moves from "Are my feelings valid?" to "Are my feelings even real or am I making myself feel that way? If so why? Because I want to? Because I think I should feel a certain way? WHAT EVEN IS FEELING"

Are you catholic by any chance?

No. 201504

There's this concept in Buddhist principles, Stoicism, take your pick. You're supposed to observe your emotions rather than seeing them as representative of who you are. When you're feeling an intense emotion state to yourself "I'm feeling -emotion-" rather than thinking "I am -emotion-." Then ask yourself logically if the emotion is helpful to you in any way and consider what you need to do to take care of the distress you're feeling. I'm sometimes overly passionate and my friend kept telling me to do this and it does help take you out of the heat of the moment so you can stop wasting your own time. For example, if I see some dumbass making sexist comments online, I know I'm not going to change his mind and getting enraged over it is stupid because it accomplishes nothing except making my own day worse. If someone I consider a friend makes a sexist comment though, I might choose to approach them once I've calmed down to see if I misunderstood or if I can change their perspective because I don't want it festering in the back of my head. If they double down on the comment, it's then on me to enforce boundaries depending on whether the good they offer makes it worth tolerating or whether I need to distance myself for my own well being. You as a person are not your emotions, you are the qualities you continually choose to prioritize and outwardly express in life. Once you start allowing yourself some separation and distance from emotions everything becomes much less stressful. They can be good indicators of meaning sometimes, but they're like a mob of rabid monkeys if left unchecked.

No. 201623

Sounds like avpd anon. The way to tell someone in person is to just do it. It's scary and will feel humiliating and threatening (talking to a psychiatrist made me feel like I was being interrogated) but it has to be done or else you will either stay the same or get worse as you age. Same thing with telling your mom, you just have to do it. Don't wait until you're too old to be on her insurance, do it now. You can tell your psych about the side effects you won't tolerate and they will accommodate you. There are medications that do not cause the side effects you mentioned. You're not a loser anon, you finished uni, you can do this too. I wish you luck.

No. 201632

Thank you anon, that's very sweet of you. Reading this made me realize that I try not to show my feelings because my parents would yell at me if I got upset as a child. I will work on it.

No. 201823

nonas, i need your opinions. last year i went to see a therapist for a kind of initial assessment because i strongly suspected that i might have ADHD. she said that, yes, she is 99% sure that i have ADHD and that i need meds for it, but she couldn't formally diagnose me because it was not her field of expertise. basically i got confirmation that i have a bad brain and that i should look for an expert on it. obviously this is pretty much impossible since i'm a woman and my country's mental healthcare system is completely overrun. think 500 patients per therapist, 1+ year long waiting times, etc. eventually i never got any help.

i've also started to rationalize my ADHD-like behavior. i have a hard time watching movies/tv shows because they are always so slooow and boring. but that could be because i'm used to watching anime, where episodes are only 25 minutes long and i always speed up the video to 1.3-1.5 the speed because by the time they're done talking i've read the subs like 3x already. i pace around a lot when i think or when i'm excited. but that could be because i'm usually sedentary and my body just enjoys the exercise, idk. i have a hard time focusing on school stuff, but that might be because i had to do everything at home because of the pandemic. i'm fine focusing on stuff when i'm on campus or at the library or at a café. in general i have a difficult time focusing on things that don't interest me but then again… everyone wants to do stuff that interests them. i'm also overweight and i tend to overeat (currently in the progress of losing weight) but that might be due to my mom using food as a coping mechanism and passing it on to me. i also spend money very impulsively but i grew up poor so now, when i see something i want, i buy it, because i finally have the means to afford it. lastly, i had to write my final thesis earlier this year and i did really well focusing and working when i had a very strict daily schedule. i basically did calendar blocking, went for a walk in the mornings and evenings, and put on 'outside' clothes whenever i had to work on my thesis. also, i'm able to focus on books just fine, while i often read that people with ADHD have huge difficulties reading books. i started reading again at the end of march this year and i've read almost 40 books since then. the only thing that still makes me wonder if i have ADHD is because my report cards from elementary school all sound like typical ADHD kid report cards. very fidgety, inattentive, prone to mistakes, etc.

but now i'm wondering if i might have some weird general anxiety disorder? i never thought i had anxiety of any kind but the other day i read a post by someone who said that they were always very worried about everything and it turned out that they had anxiety. which reminded me of myself. i'm incapable of not worrying about the future. not in the 'i wonder what's going to happen' kind of way, but i constantly worry about failing university and then i spiral into obsessively looking for job offerings and apartments i could rent while earning minimum wage and how i would survive and how much money i could save up so i won't end up homeless when i retire in like 50 years. it's gotten to the point that i have developed chronic stomach issues (chronic gastritis that flares up every few months when i'm very stressed out). i had several tests done and i have no bacteria or something in my stomach that causes it, it's purely a psychological issue. on the other hand, i never had panic attacks, at least not in the way other people always describe them. when i felt really anxious in public, i would just be very sweaty and my voice was shaky and my heart was racing like crazy, but it never made me pass out or anything. it also didn't happen very often.

sorry for the block of text, but what do you think? i know that there is something wrong with me because whatever is fucking with my head is affecting my physical health. i just don't know what to look into. getting a diagnosis for ADHD as a woman is incredibly difficult in my country, so i'm wondering if i should look into places that offer help for people with anxiety issues. but do my issues sound like it could be some type of anxiety??

No. 201849

I have adhd and - while I refuse to read the whole thing - the parts I did read could have been written by me. For me I’ve found meds help, and I’ve been on them for 12 years, with some ill advised breaks.

No. 201850

Oh re meds, the biggest helper for me was Wellbutrin which is also an antidepressant. Its used ‘off label’ for adhd but it was the one that taught me what motivation feels like haha

No. 202158

nonnies how can i work on my extremely low self worth? how did you deal with it? is there exercises i can practice in real life? i know i should go to a therapist but i dont have much money right now i would appreciate advice from anons who were in the same situation its really affecting my life and self esteem.

No. 202159

jesus christ, i have so many of those and i'm gonna see a psychiatrist tomorrow for an adhd diagnosis (i suspect add tbh)
Fuck, I'm on Wellbutrin and it doesn't do shit for me. In fact, I think I'm less motivated than ever. I'm aware that meds work differently for everyone, but I guess I'm sad it's not a solution for me

No. 202172

that third paragraph is spot on for me, i have diagnosed GAD (i also think i have adhd or something else but idk). a lot of meds given for anxiety can also help some of the adhd stuff, i cant recommend any meds that have worked for me cuz i gave up but you should look into getting diagnosed for anxiety

No. 202176

i relate to the whole thing and it only took me 15 minutes to finally focus enough to read it fully.

i find myself relating to more and more adhd posts but the thing about is that i can’t seem to find any psychs near me and if i do none take my insurance. its hard.

No. 202244

avpd sounds spot on. If I see a primary physician or psychiatrist do I just say I think I have avpd and depression? I don't wanna look like i'm self-diagnoising myself to them

No. 202494

Update no-one for: my depression diagnosis just got upgraded to bipolar. Got Lamictal. In 1,5 week we are gonna continue looking into the possibility of ADHD (I did a short test based on DSM for now, the DIVA one goes next).
IDK if you still need a reply but yeah, that's what I would say. You can mention reading DSM-V and people's testimonials. In my experience, doctors don't mind at all when you say that you suspect having some mental illness or personality disorder (one of my shrinks actually said that everyone has the right to self-reflect). It's only people on the internet who screech about never doing anything even midldly approaching self-diagnosis. Of course I imagine doctos would get pissed if you rejected any other possibility and just came to affirm your hypothesis, but I doubt you (or anyone else) does that.

No. 202499

*no-one asked for, oops

No. 202641

(sage for slightly ot)
To the fellow healthy posters around: how do you cope with having to control an urge to fake ilness?
I've legitimately liked being perceived as sick for a long time now, always looking forward to get shitfaced drunk in front of people, to get the stomach bug, to get a fever, to get surgery (I was LIVID for my wisdom teeth removal), to show around my self harm, etc.
I feel like I've been conning my romantic interests to believe i've got some mental disorders to get their attention ever since I became a teen. Honestly at this point I just don't think I can truly feel empathy for someone struggling because I want to be the center of attention all the time.
My exes naturally tried to give me all kinds of armchair diagnosis, especially cluster B stuff, DPD and even aspergers (he was a bit abusive btw). I always felt a mix of joy and guilt when I got them, because I knew deep down, even though I WANT to be all those things, I'm perfectly normal and just pretending.
Honestly at this point I just don't think I can truly support someone struggling because I want to be the center of attention all the time. But I know it's reversible since I just have to stop acting.
Does anyone relate to this? How to focus on being a transparent adult instead of acting like an attwhore teenager? What therapy should fakers look for? Do we immediately disclose to the therapist our urge to fake illness?

No. 202659

therapy sounds about right, you don't sound normal at all. I think a diagnosis could be useful too, in the worst case a shrink just says your diagnosis is being insufferable LMFAO (I doubt that, but I will not be armchairing based on your post)

No. 202660

> Do we immediately disclose to the therapist our urge to fake illness?
Yes. Therapy will never help you if you aren't open and honest with your therapist. You should try. A therapist could help you control your urges. Have you ever thought about going into the entertainment industry? Once you're better mentally, if you love attention and trying on these different disorders, I think it would be a great environment for you. All the pleasure and attention you get out of putting on an act, without the guilt of lying to people, and you can still have a normal private life outside of it. Good luck nonny!

No. 202717

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I was going to basically write my whole life story here about my mental health woes but I decided to cut that crap out and just vent essentially about what it currently bothering me. maybe some anons can relate. in fact, I know they can since I've read similar things in this thread

in a nutshell for various reasons I've spent maybe the past ten years of my life cut off from society, like a hermit because of two reasons. the first is panic disorder and the second, which is relevant right now is this constant feeling of being judged/critiqued whenever I'm in public. I think it's called the spotlight effect but for me it doesn't just happen now and then, it happens every fucking time I leave the house. in fact it can happen sometimes even when I'm all alone! it basically feels like all eyes on are on me and are judging me. what I'm wearing, how I'm stood, what my face and hair looks like and so on and it is so fucking exhausting. I feel like a microbe under a microscope being studied, I feel like I'm on the truman show. I feel so uptight and inhibited, I can feel my body tense. I hardly ever feel natural or at ease in my body. I wonder what it must be like to just walk out the door without obsessively looking at myself in the mirror to make sure I look decent enough to go out into the world. the thing is , I know no one is actually looking at me, no one gives a shit what I'm doing but having that mindset and knowing that truth doesn't help one bit and. I've spoken to doctors about this before and one believed I have avpd

I recently started seeing somone I met on a dating app, the first guy I've been with in almost 10 years and my feelings of insecurity, of being judged and critiqued have skyrocketted. I choose dates where we just walk or see a movie so he doesn't get to look at me for too long because I feel as though he's going to see something that he finds completely unacceptable about me, realise I'm not pretty. I've recently been obsessing over my skin and hair, picking myself apart in the mirror for fucking hours at a time. yes, hours. I feel like I'm going insane from these feelings of inadequacy. I don't know how other people just live their lives without being hyperaware of themselves and of what they're doing and how other people are perceiving them but I wish I did, anons

No. 202722

i relate to you so much, i am always so paranoid about my appearance and how people see me, i once went 5 months without leaving my house. it's snowballed into an ed and now its gotten worse. and the stupid thing is that i know no one really cares about what i look that much but i know that every now and then they will have this image of me and i want that image to be perfect or at least not negative. wish you the best

No. 202724

I feel for you, nonna. I was in the same situation, still kinda am, b/c I don't have a job yet, but I've been going out of the house to run small errands and it helped me be more comfortable the next time I go out. Hope things work out for you and for your relationship.
We're rooting for you both!>>202722

No. 202735

Highly relatable. I feel like people can somehow instantly sense something is off about me. I worry about my body language making me look autistic, real nitpicky shit. When I'm at home alone and I know I'm home for the rest of the day that's when I become myself again and I feel good in myself and I even like myself and all the things I just spent the day worrying about. In the harsh light of day though (ie being outside around others) I feel like I shrivel up again. I stay home as much as possible for obvious reasons. I just want to feel somewhat at ease.

Thing is I don't nitpick others, lately I started trying to find flaws in others just as a practice to remind myself not everyone else on earth is perfect. That they're as human as I am and they're not sailing through life a level above me. It's tough realising you've spent your whole life placing everyone else automaticaly above you and it's sucked the pleasantness out of nearly every interaction or day out.. for nothing. It's all just perception.

No. 203588

I've had depression for several years now as a result of trauma in my family and facing an emotionally abusive relationship in my early teens. I've lost so much passion and I have no real hobbies or interests of my own left anymore. I can't seem to conjure up the energy to do anything I even slightly want to do, even reading a book has just become too difficult. My bf is lovely and makes sure I'm happy, but I don't want to keep burdening him with this. I just want it to be over. I tried a therapist but it really wasn't for me at all. Does anyone have any good advice of actually leaving the simulated 'couch lock' the depression puts on you? Thanks

No. 203619

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How do you feel about yourself? The way to overcome depression is different for everyone, but in my case I really had to fix how I saw myself before anything else helped. All the crap about gratitude lists, self affirmations, talking to people, trying more activites, never did shit for me when I hated myself and didn't feel I deserved happiness in the first place. If your confidence is low then I recommend CBT or some other means to correct your self image before anything.

If you like yourself then it's a matter of constantly going back to the basics. It doesn't feel like it, but you have a choice right now. To continue wallowing and feeling miserable or attempt to get better. Things are guaranteed to stay the same if you do nothing, but you have a chance for improvement if you take action. Walk outside and look at bird and think about the texture of its feathers, listen to how it sounds, appreciate how cute it is. Realize afterwards that you were wholly focused on the moment and appreciating it rather than thinking about how miserable you are. Then you learn to extend that moment.

Focus on some sort of goal that's meaningful/interesting to you. If nothing feels that way right now then think about something that was enjoyable for you in the past. It doesn't have to be massive, like getting a doctorate or something. Start small. Let's say you want to learn how to do the splits. Break that down further, like making your first 1/2" of progress. Find a stretching routine and start doing it every day. When you make progress and then finally accomplish the primary goal, that will feel good. And hopefully that will make you want to achieve more things for yourself. Our society is super isolated so I recommend doing this in a group when possible for the added accountability and support. You can sign up for online or in-person exercise/fat loss challenges, art classes, language study and so on. Really try to enjoy the process and those little wins rather than feeling you're a failure up until you achieve the final result. It's like how kids seem to be having a ball even when they're scribbling nonsense on a piece of paper. They're not worried about creating a masterpiece, they're enjoying the colors, the feeling of crayons on paper, the experimentation. It's a kind of mindfulness/moving meditation, because the negative thoughts can't creep in when you keep redirecting yourself back to the one moment you're in. I know it's fucking exhausting to hear people say "Happiness is choice!" but it's kind of true. I prefer to say "Happiness takes effort." A lot of us are taught that happiness is just something you naturally feel and get swept up in, but for those with depression and even generally speaking, that's much less true than people express. You have to work at it, but even knowing it's something you can work at is more empowering than feeling like you're a slave to anhedonia.

No. 203945

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i'm convinced getting beaten to pulp fight club style will help my depression, i wasn't physically abused as a kid, i used to cut as a teen but i would never cut too deep so it wasn't a big thing, i don't think its coming from a place of self-harm, idk ive been thinking about it a lot whenever i'm going through these depressive episodes(depression is my baseline at this point but sometimes it gets worse), i have someone i can propose this to but it will sound deranged.

No. 203952

You could just join a boxing/martial arts place and spar to your heart's content without needing to worry about receiving permanent damage as much. It is cathartic.

No. 203959

thats good advice nona, funny enough i actually did martial arts for a while and i enjoyed it very much it was a nice way of letting my rage out but since its very safe and controlled(not that its a bad thing) it wouldn't satisfy me in this regard because what i feel is not this explosive rage per se but this emptiness and urge to completely surrender and get my shit kicked i don't know why i think that would alleviate my depression it started with imagining myself getting tied behind a car and being dragged, maybe because thats how these depressive episodes feel emotionally and my retarded brain is trying to make sense of the situation with these impulsive thoughts, i wish there was a way to make it happen without like getting a brain hemorrhage or worse having a scrote taking it sexual like bdsm.

No. 204458

I really related to this post. I feel for you. I've lived as a hermit for most of my life. I'm 26 now but I was recently diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder.

No. 204459

I am very much like this. Really related to your post. But I have schizotypal personality disorder.

No. 204460

Hi I'm schizotypal too. Awesome to see you guys in the thread!

No. 204541

God, it's happening again, I'm spiraling again. I don't want this cloud anymore, I want to be better. I just want to sleep and sleep, but that's not right, I shouldn't waste my life. I want to stop drowning but I don't know how.

No. 205370

It's been 5 months since my suicide attempt and only just today have I cried. I thought I was better but I feel the exact same I did that morning. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow but fucking hell these feelings are so intense and I am trying so hard to just block them out. Everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm not and I'm too afraid of appearing vulnerable to even talk about it.

No. 205433

BPD and/or depressed anons, I need some help. I can't find anything about this anywhere on the internet, but I've noticed that although most of my day is full of emotional turbulence, mood swings etc, I keep emotionally shutting down whenever I watch any media that invokes mental health. there was some sob story about a drag queen thinking about self harming and I didn't bat an eyelid, that bo burnham special released this year made everyone I know cry and I was just numb the whole time. I'm not sure why, but I'm getting increasingly resentful when people shame me for it, asking me "how are you not crying?! it's sooo sad" etc, because for me, that disbelief and confusion over someone not experiencing a powerful emotional reaction to something is my every day reality when I'm in and out of the extreme ends of the emotional threshold. I just need to know I'm not alone. The only stuff I can see online about emotional numbing in BPD seems to be on a long-term dissociative basis rather than not feeling anything in the face of certain stimuli.

No. 205454

Idk, I'm not BPD but I shut down when other people are panicking because it bores the hell out of me. It's like my entire brain is rolling its eyes, I just want it to be over. It's probably some kind of stress response. Do you have the same reaction to IRL expressions of emotion? Maybe it's a shield against memories of your own pain, or perhaps you had parents who shoved their emotions on you and you had to shut down to survive the stress.

Also, were you dissociating at all? Maybe you felt numb because you literally stepped out of the situation.

No. 205455

Samefag, maybe you just hate woke uwu mental health culture and, on a subconscious level, refuse to be affected by it. Based if true.

No. 205562

I wasn’t expecting to feel seen in this thread, but goddamn I feel seen.

I also put up an act if I’m feeling even the tiniest bit of symptoms. I like the attention, and I relish when I get to stay home. Of course I feel a twinge of guilt when it works, but I try to remind myself that I deserve it because I work hard and I won’t get this day off any other way.

I guess I’m the type of person that therapy is for.

No. 205600

sometimes during the day i remember a cringe thing i did years ago and unintentionally let out a noise or make a face or i remember something sweet and smile, my friends ask me whats wrong when i make faces or a noise, i want to know if this is common or my autism is manifesting?

No. 205604

I do that too and I'm not autistic as far as I know. Definitively socially challenged though.

No. 205630

I do, but I can somewhat suppress it around other people. My bf does it too. We're both autists though

No. 206212

I've been struggling with intrusive thoughts and PTSD nightmares/flashbacks again recently after some major shit that went down in my life and today it just all crumbled and I relapsed with self-harm. I feel completely drained and hopeless I just have to stick it out for my cats thankfully.

No. 206222

oh lord i do the same. i scrunch my face up and get the urge to like, hit something/myself or flail around a bit at the cringe memories. genuinely i thought most people did this, i am autistic though

No. 206255

Oh thank god. I've been meaning to ask about this but I feel embarrassed talking about it. It's so bad that even when I'm having a good time, I purposely think of those cringe moments to elicit those responses and ruin things for myself. It comes and goes with varying intensities and it becomes to hard to function, at worst. I beg my brain to stop torturing me. The shittiest thing about it by far is that even if you forget, others will remember. There's no escape from this pain.

No. 206283

just want to let you know that I am so glad you are still here and your attempt failed. The world would be a worse place without you in it. I think it's good for you to cry if you need to. You shouldn't have to hold in your feelings, no matter how big and bad they might be. Your pain deserves attention and care. Suicide attempts are traumatic. The fact that you were suicidal at all is terrible and unacceptable and you deserve care for that terrible feeling. I hope you tell your therapist how you're feeling. You shouldn't have to feel it alone. I hope you have someone you trust who you can be vulnerable with. hope you're okay.

No. 206284

I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling with that. You don't deserve to feel like that or be embarrassed for the rest of your life. It sounds like OCD, and idk if you are autistic like the other nons mentioned but OCD is verrrryyy common in autistic people.

Those intrusive thoughts are actually your brain trying to help you. Your brain cataloged the feeling of humiliation as the Worst Case Scenario and wants you to remember that terrible feeling forever so you never let it happen again. That's how OCD starts policing all of your social interactions to make sure you don't do/say anything that could let you feel embarrassed again.

don't beat yourself up about how you feel. It shows that you're a caring and sensitive person who always wants to put their best foot forward. Let those embarrassing stories become your funniest ice breakers when you're meeting new people. You can do this.

No. 206294

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You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. Thank you so much, truly. I'm not autistic, but I never considered the possibility of having OCD. Maybe there's hope for me after all. That would make sense because I'm terrified of making mistakes, and this fear of failure really sets me back in life. I hope I can push it aside to become the person I'm meant to be. Bless you precious nona, you've really helped me, and I know your reply will help others too.

No. 206605

BPD farmer here, I've realised that I don't know what opinions are my own because I'm constantly trying to mould myself into being palatable to whoever I'm speaking to at the time. for example, just now I was telling my male friend that I hate the way sex work and onlyfans is considered empowering when you're literally commodifying how fuckable you are, but I have no idea if I actually think this or if I'm just parroting whatever I think he will agree with. I act so differently around different groups of people and I don't actually know what my actual personality is. ugh. help me, how do I know what parts of my thoughts and personality are real?

No. 206612

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Sorry to hear you're struggling. While it's obviously fine to have friends, you should also make space for yourself to be alone without outside influences. You probably have more of a sense of self than you're giving yourself credit for, and you have the ability to choose the sort of person you want to be. Even people who aren't disordered go through similar things. We all change and continually decide what traits or values we want to keep. Try to think back to your childhood and re-engage with things you like or used to like. You can also explore activities you're not sure you'd like but are curious about. Don't overthink it, try to get lost in the process. Let's say you try yoga. Focus on the activity completely, don't judge what you're doing. You might have to redirect yourself often, which is fine. Afterwards think: How did I feel when I was doing it? What did I like or dislike? Do I feel like I might benefit from doing more? You do have personal thoughts and opinions that will arise, you just need to be patient and get to know yourself without outside pressure.

When it comes to opinions it might be harder since you don't always want to form a direct opinion (don't join OnlyFans just so you can decide if it's empowering or not). Try to sit with yourself again and look at it logically. What do I think I might enjoy if I did this? What do I think I'd dislike? What might I like but recognize is damaging? For example you might enjoy validation towards your appearance, but you'd know it was a shallow sort of validation and would hurt other career prospects. I've also seen other approaches being explored for these issues like creating an autobiography: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202103/new-approach-borderline-focuses-identity-disturbance. It can help you get a more objective look at your life and recognize patterns, explore what you were feeling at different times, understand what was influencing you and if it was for good or bad. Understanding core traumas so you can tell when you're reacting/compensating instead of letting your own voice be heard is helpful too: https://intuitivecreativity.typepad.com/expressiveartinspirations/2014/07/understanding-your-core-pain-and-false-self.html

It goes back to seeing yourself as the one in the driver's seat rather than just being kicked around by external influences. What makes you feel good about yourself when no one else is around? In terms of values, outlooks. What is rewarding to you, and what do you consistently want to cultivate in your life? If there's nothing like that right now, time to explore a bit.

No. 206616

I wasn't expecting such a thorough reply, thank you so much nonnie <3

No. 206622

Sure, these things take time. I think it's great you're even aware of the lack of clear opinions. So many people in general will just mindlessly repeat things they've been told without critical thinking, so you're ahead of the game. The natural chameleon ability isn't always bad either, it can be useful to gather insights about people and remain open-minded, so long as you aren't forcing yourself to do things you dislike for approval. Best of luck to you!

No. 206624

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sigh im so autistic guys… i thought i was hitting it off w this girl i met off tinder who goes to my university. we slept together twice and then after the second time (last saturday) i drove her home. since then she hasn't responded. i like double texted but thats it. i know she's ghosting me because i pretended to be a wrong number on google voice and she like immediately replied lmaoooo. should i triple text?? im such a lescel it hurt y'all

No. 207437

My brain won’t stop saying “kys” on repeat and it’s been years. I could be living my best life and still, every few moments, my brain fires off again with the repeat suggestion.
I’ve gone to therapy but it’s a ocd tick.
I just feel so tired sometimes; like maybe it’s the right thing to do. Maybe my brain is broken.
It’s so hard to tune out or change. I don’t think it will

No. 208252

anybody know how to fade self harm scars? my oldest ones are white (still not ideal as they show up in the summer) but my most recent ones are still very pink after 6 months and I hate it.

No. 208256

I used to use this stuff called bio oil on mine (it's a lil orange bottle of oil) I used it on a surgery scar too and I think it helps as long as the scars aren't super old. Ime the ones that are white are usually there to stay though.

No. 208261

I’m so sick of being bipolar and my psych put me on abilify bc I’ve had psychosis with my episodes and it’s already increasing my appetite like crazy which I cannot have bc I’m also a fucking ED fag. Also my psych keeps saying she thinks I have ADHD but wants me to get a neuropsych test that’s like $700. Like ma’am I’m not a college student trying to finesse adderall, if you think I have ADHD to the point that you’ve been mentioning it for half a year, just diagnose me or don’t. It’s in my family history. I’m so forgetful to the point where I freak out and have panic attacks bc I think goblins live in my apartment and steal or hide my items from me or lock my doors for me when I don’t remember doing it. I hate my brain bc my life is pretty sweet but my brain is such a bitch.

No. 208262

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Time helps the most, but mederma helps a lot too.

No. 208604

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I have a similar thing. I don't know if it's actually OCD or not, though.
I basically just use it and imagery of me killing myself as a way to internally express frustration.
>say something stupid
>"Oh god I'm gonna kill myself."
>wake up feeling shitty
>image of me slitting my wrists flits through my mind
They really are pretty different from genuine thoughts of suicide, and I am no longer "concerned" by them.
I've only been able to successfully explain this to one therapist. Most chimp out and vaguely threaten to institutionalize me if I don't start lying and backtracking.
For the meantime, I've given up on finding a therapist. It seems like COVID has made it especially hard to find somebody that isn't pants-on-head retarded, whereas before I just wasn't "clicking" with them or whatever. I blame the normies experiencing baby's first mental health crisis and flooding the healthcare system.

No. 208932

I use argan oil when there still in the dark pink phase and it helps them fade to white pretty quick. Unfortunately when there white that's pretty much how visible they'll stay, at least for me.

No. 212295

Therapist sounded really bored and uninterested over the phone today. Usually she's at least sort of engaged. I asked her if anything was wrong, she said she was fine, I pressed a bit further but still nothing.

Should I spiral out because she clearly hates me or should I merely self-destruct?

No. 212301

spiraling is more fun

No. 212307

I feel really alone. No friends, nobody really cares about me because I don't let them, but mostly… I have crippling "executive disfunction", laziness, whatever the fuck you call it in I'm so much fear. I feel like a deer in headlights in life, I feel like I wasn't meant to be alive this long so I did heaps of fucked (eating disorder, psychosis, drug abuse, BPD-style) shit just to block out any thoughts. now I have crippling trauma, chronic pain, paranoia & self- doubt from years of not caring and also being a freak. idk man. I feel so stuck, can't create art, can't do anything with my time constructive cuz of fear of fucking up, cuz i'm fat and lazy, cuz i'm terrified of being SEEN.

No. 212313

>no friends
>literally no family except mom
>mom is abusive and shits on me no matter what, if she isn't ignoring me
>has no idea what i like or who i am bc she refuses to talk to me
>feel insecure as fuck bc all of this was out of my control growing up
>probably cant get a decent bf ever
>only can get ones with major problems who are worse off than me or just as lonely
>can't connect to people from being solitary for so long
>hate where I live, not vibing with anyone at all
Damn, I want to live a normal life but I've been thinking about hooking up lately even though it's not ideal at all. I care a lot about being thrown away and feel like I would get attached quickly. I noticed I mainly struggle with dissociating nowadays and feel like everything around me is not real and I feel numb and bored as fuck. Being alive is exhausting and I only really feel something when I'm having sex so I might as well just hook up. It helps relieve my stress in a way masturbation can't. I'm also sick of feeling lonely too. I miss the touch of a man and just having a bit of fun w him. I already tried looking for hookups but I won't even hook up with a guy unless I can see myself dating him and know he's not fucking others. Like jfc I already feel discouraged in my search. It's like a goddamn paradox.
Also, Ik this is random but w/e. It's the mental disorder thread lmfao. I just hate my life so bad and am sick of the same routine and numbness.

No. 212316

She's usually very good. Maybe it's burnout? I know we had to cut our sessions from 30 to 15 min in January because of the sheer volume of patients she got since the stupid chinese coof came out. Whatever.

Don't even care to do that any more. Every day I get up and do my silly little tasks, not because they make my life any better but because they make it not get worse, and I get to repeat that every day forever.

No. 212328

Aw anon, your pain is so familiar and I hope that you can slowly make yourself feel SEEN by seeing yourself. Sounds like you've been through so much and have come far. The paralysis is real. I'm in it myself and in a similar place of looking back at my fucked up trauma coping mechanisms that lead me down worse paths to feeling my identity was formed by those traumas and copings. Now since I've been home so much, I experience life through a screen and my sense of self is extremg distorted and stripped down to someone unrecognizable… Embrace your personality disorder and create a version of you that is built on the wisdom of your past and be who you want. Who do you want to be and why? Is it to escape or embrace what's already there?

You said art tho! Expression is such a blessing in loneliness- trick yourself into focusing on it despite the rest of the internal chatter. Start small and gentle. Nothing too ambitious. Trace for a bit and rebuild your muscle memory and brain coordination so you don't shut yourself down because "you're better than this". Anything to give you confidence that you're not as shit as you've been telling yourself.
Love to you anon. You are SEEN!

No. 212352

NTA but reading this made me cry, thank you and I hope you find as much joy as you can

No. 212378

I've become increasingly paranoid over the past few months, I feel like people are watching me or listening to me in my home more and more. Today someone rang the doorbell (a few times in like 2 hours) I couldn't look who it was but I'm scared the police is coming for me. I have no idea what this all means but I think it's coming from isolation and I don't know what to do with it, it's making me super anxious and I hate it. Sorry nonna's I just need to vent

No. 212379

How old are you? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you could be developing a psychiatric disorder. Schizophrenia, maybe.

No. 212381

I'm 18. I'm going to make a doctors appointment though, ask what's up and if it's serious enough to get checked out. Idk I doubt I'm akhtually schizo (I've never had hallucinations of any kind) but then again what do I know. I hope not, I've been very isolated and depressed the past half year I think it mostly comes from that

No. 212389

>>212381 >>212379

you can't develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder later in life.
It is likely a bout of psychosis, or just an overactive paranoia tied to anxiety, something that is very common develop at some point in life due to stress, drugs or isolation, etc. it's good you're making an appointment!

No. 212556

Can relate.
I went to therapy and took meds, didn't help. Now I'm telling me it's normal in my situation to be sad etc but tbqh I'm miserable. I used to cope with that I'm crazy haha what do people wanna do about it but I just want to be happy. Someone talked me into trying therapy again. Meds I will never try again. When it comes to meds I go full schizo and think they will do more harm than good. I still think the meds I used in the past gave me brain damage. Did you actually found a coping strategy that helps you? I never found one.
Thing is I'm not just sad sometimes I feel schizo. I used to have a psychosis in my past so it's not unlikely it can happen again right? I feel like I just have to pick up a hobby and do normie things, but it's so exhausting and I know from my past that it doesn't have to be exhausting and that everything can be very easy. And then I give up before I try. I'm just tired anons.

No. 212740

does anyone have experience with dealing or coping with treatment-resistant depression? please don't tell me to go to therapy because i've been in it and still am, it just made me realize the roots of my problems are out of my control. i really don't want to go back on antidepressants because i've been on them since i was a kid and they made me worse as an adult, i don't have access to psychedelics or can afford ketamine therapy either. i guess i'll go fuck myself and live with it at this point

No. 212746

Honestly nonna I've been depressed since I was about 10 and the one thing that helped is I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Any time I start crying or feel really terrible or anything of the sort I tell myself that I can pity myself for the rest of the day and the next day I block all the thoughts out. I know it's not super beneficial but it's the only thing that has made me a functional and bearable person to be around lol.

Also, if you can't get ketamine/psychedelics look into research chemicals, idk where you are but you can look up the legality and order some online once you're sure you won't go to prison for it lol. 2f-dck (a ketamine analog) specifically has helped me very much with putting life in perspective and looking at the world a different way, sage 4 blog but I could think normally and objectively about things/problems without being blinded by emotion for once.

No. 212750

i was diagnosed around then but had depression even as a younger child due to my environment and life situations. i honestly don't even feel bad for myself, i'm just full of hatred and bitterness at everything. forcing myself to approach it from another perspective only does so much, but i guess i'll just try to see different therapists who have different approaches (CBT, DBT, ACT, etc) and see if that helps at all

i looked into research chemicals and they're around the same price as the ketamine therapies available in my state (or maybe i'm just looking at the wrong sites), so i guess i can just look into health insurance to see if i can get different mental health treatment that way

No. 212816

I got a BPD dx a few months ago and it helped me to realize that the way I'm living my life is so detrimental.

BPD, severe ADD, ptsd, anxiety, and depression…my bingo sheet is filled

On the bright side, I'm finally really getting help - I have therapy once a week, I'm taking vyvanse and prozac, and I'm exercising every day.

I also deleted tumblr last night after having a blog for 11 years, I was getting way too emotional about losing mutuals and I was forgetting how to read, so I decided it was time to touch some grass. It's weird how I feel - partially scared, partially free. But I feel like by not having Tumblr, I'll end up even more out of touch with people than I was already. Now I have to find things to fill the void but after a decade of being terminally online I have brain worms and keep getting sucked into tik tok and stuff.

Ladies, how do I detox from the internet? How do I develop a personality? I feel so lost.

No. 212884

Get the Wikipedia app on your phone to replace the itch to surf social media or doomscroll. Surf articles instead, start somewhere random and keep following links to different pages. Delete tiktok now before it fries your brain forever.

Get a journal and put all your venting and feelings in there instead of online (or traumadumping on people). Maybe get some basic art supplies so you can have fun with it, I like putting stickers and doodles and shit in mine.

Find a hobby that's not tech related. Ideally something productive working with your hands, where you can make and see progress. Knitting, non-digital art, strength training, whittling, etc.

Ideally, also find a hobby that's social. It's basically the only way to make friends as an adult (other than coworkers). Any kind of anything where you're able to meet with other people. Book club, team sports, whatever. since you have BPD, also try and keep these relationships light/casual and focused on the hobby. At least until you're in a stronger place mentally.

Literally touch grass. Go outside and get fresh air as often as possible. General wellness stuff like that. Make sure you're getting enough water and nutrients, vitamin deficiencies will fuck your mental health.

No. 214062

I need help with OCD, but a psychiatrist did not provide me with any support. It is getting more and more debilitating because of anxiety, spending a lot of time counting things and arranging. I also am suffering from trichotillomania and have no idea how to stop.

No. 214092

nayrt but this is quite helpful. Thank you Gerda

No. 215659

is punching yourself in the face considered more a scrote form of self harm? i never cut myself in my life but theres been many times during mental breakdowns ive punched myself so much it looked like someone beat me up. luckily im not very strong so i havent broken any bones (yet). its not something i can control easily and i do it without even thinking. someone told me it’s normally only men that do that.
i have schizoid and paranoid pd and get extremely overwhelmed sometimes dealing with people, its not caused by anger but intense depression or anxiety and i am obviously very psychotic and screaming and crying when it happens

No. 215662

I don't know if it's more of a male thing, but I do think it is a common form of self harm that's not talked about as much. I used to self harm in that way in response to anxiety a lot, but due to changing and growing I don't tend to respond that way anymore.
I do know a girl who fucked up her eyesight by punching her own face in this way, be careful.

No. 215663

It's probably looked at as a scrote form of self harm but it's common among women who cut too. Same goes for scrotes who self harm by punching, a lot of them have cut before, at least from my experience. I currently have an incorrectly healed knuckle and toe because of it. The only advice I can give that somewhat works for me is to picture myself doing the action in my head before I do it in real life. So I imagine myself punching the wall and then the pain and subsequent worsened injury to my hand, that visualization sometimes is enough to deter me from any further harm. Good luck Nona, I'm sorry your going through this.

No. 215668

I always thought so but maybe that's just because my in my experience it's been men that do it. Pounding your own head is visually dramatic and aggressive and doesn't factor in how your face might be disfigured after so it feels male to me
I hope you can move past it nona I don't want you to hurt anymore. If your urge to self harm is explosive in that way then maybe you could instead so jumping jacks or punch the air above your head as violently as possible instead

No. 215684

I do that too but i’ve never thought it was a male thing. Now i’ve got one more thing to criticize myself for kek but no nonnie its just a human thing, when shit is out of your control and things are extra rough its the thing we do i guess moids do it for the dumbest shit tho

No. 215704

It's something I've done since I was a little girl when I'd get sensory overload or be upset, although it's not always my head, often it's my thighs. I think sometimes your body is just so full and tense that it feels like it'll help… usually doesn't.
If you can't stop it altogether right now, maybe try doing your legs or something less noticeable or full of sensitive parts.

No. 215706

I've had treatment resistant depression since I was a kid, been suicidal since 9. Inattentive ADD/ADHD diagnosed when I was 7. An anxiety issue that seems to have gone from bad but manageable to "I can't hold down a job because I have panic meltdowns for no reason" ever since I hit my 30's. I found a depression medication that works to quell suicidal ideation but… now I'm feeling suicidal not because I hate myself but because everything still just feels like a struggle. Like my depression is the whole reason I have been non-functional for years but now that it feels like something is finally helping, I have this laundry list of things I have to do to actually get better and it is just completely overwhelming and I'll probably manage to fuck that up too. Except this time it won't be my brain that is holding me back, this time it really will be that I'm lazy and incapable.

I really need therapy, but I'm on state health care and almost no one takes it in my town, let alone someone who is accepting patients AND specializes in my major concerns. I had an abusive therapist as a teenager whose "care" landed me in the ER getting my stomach pumped.
I feel like it's an uphill grind no matter what I do and since I'm not psychotically mentally ill there are no resources that will help me. I just get handed printout after printout of local providers whose numbers don't even work half the time.

tl;dr shit sucks man

No. 215711

I think I've become the type of woman I could never understand. I'm with a guy who holds views I don't support at all and who has a completely different outlook on life than I do. It's fucking with my mood and causes me to compartmentalise to justify it all. He's a Nigel when he's with me but hates on literally everyone else. Not to their face though. He's meek and friendly to everyone when he meets them and bitches behind their back. Is into conspiracies and hates on all the things popular to hate. He only really has contact to me so I get to hear all of his thoughts and opinions. Aggressive thoughts and all that angry man bullshit. But I still enjoy being with him and can't image life without him now. I think I'm starting to understand all these women who stay in abusive relationships tbh. I even find myself justifying fucked up shit he says to me sometimes. I even tend to wonder sometimes if my own reasonable opinions are really wrong and i should do the mental gymnastics to "fix my thinking" to fall in line with his. It really seems to be a female thing to try and have peaceful surroundings by adapting yourself to whatever shitty people you're surrounded with. Maybe it's best for women to just be single. I gave that up and now I seem to be stuck again. Tism made me forever alone, now it made me forever stuck with someone who bathes me in his own negativity and neuroticism every single day. Can't win. I think I get what I deserve

No. 215781

Has anyone ever successfully detached themselves from a hyperfixation?
I can’t ever let mine go, they’ll literally stick around for months, even years until a new one just fucking appears out of nowhere and then my last hyperfixation is completely nothing to me.
Like, they won’t even be close to related (went from played straight fantasy series to an overly exaggerated comedy series for some unholy reason?)
Then God forbid other fans piss me off or the series does something I don’t like. I turn into a literal fucking retard. I don’t want to be affected by stupid shit like this anymore. I’m aware how pathetic it is but cold turkey isn’t working, slowly withdrawing isn’t working and I’m at a loss.

No. 215804

Been through something pretty similar. That shit will truly get old one day. You can only compartmentalise and make up excuses for so long. The most annoying part is how much time you can waste in that situation.

The amount of things my ex said or believed that have anons screaming 'wtf were you thinking dating him??' whenever I share stories. I half thought the same thing at the time but managed to somehow convince myself it'd all magically fix itself or my patience would just never run out. I wasn't even that young but I suspect I have the tism too and I was weirdly naive for my age.

No. 215819

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> now it made me forever stuck with someone who bathes me in his own negativity and neuroticism every single day.
Are you really forced to live with this piece of shit anon ? If you are not in danger or in a financially difficult situation, you have no excuse for being so weak. You do deserve better, so do something about it instead of postig self pity post. The fact that you are arming yourself by having such a shitty partner while being so selfaware is disturbing, please go to therapy to better understand what is pushing you to do this. I'm rooting for you but you need to stop bullshiting yourself right now because it's only going to get worse and you know it.

No. 216465

"Why do parrots pluck their feathers for no reason to the point of bleeding," I wonder to myself as I starve and isolate from friends to cope with a stressful situation where I have no agency

No. 216474

>It really seems to be a female thing to try and have peaceful surroundings by adapting yourself to whatever shitty people you're surrounded with
I hope you're referring to female socialization, because being a doormat is not an inherent, biological characteristic on women

No. 216565

I think about this a lot. Especially when I'm peeling my nails and the skin around them.
It's a very viscerally satisfying thing.
Honestly, I can't imagine being a bird and not doing it. I don't think I'd be able to stop myself, especially when there's literally nothing else to do.

No. 216573

what is compelling you to stay with this person?yes, it is better for women to be single than deal with whatever this is. that's a no brainer.

No. 217529

Do you ever feel like your trauma has turned you into a very mean person? I want to be nice again.

No. 217573

Yes. All the time.

No. 217929

Not sure if this is the right thread to ask.
How do you handle emotional pain?

Especially post-traumatic stress. I hate it when it comes up when I'm doing chores or even in public spaces doing my groceries. There is no trigger or anything, just my invasive thoughts usually get escalated so badly and the stress starts to build up and my abdomen gets incredibly painful.
There has been several occasions I tried to "hold in" and wait until it goes away, then the invasive thought cropped up suddenly again and I'd have a meltdown out of nowhere.

I live with my family and I don't want to worry them, and I'm worried about not being able to control my meltdowns. I've tried breathing techniques and they can only help temporarily, not to mention that I'm always in a hurry and have no time to stop and ~deep breath~ when my anxiety pain can go for hours a day.

No. 217946

Nonas I genuinely think I’m going crazy.
Over the past few months I’ve developed an irrational fear that a kid who bullied me in school is going to attack me on my way to my car when I’m leaving work, with lots of following delusions about how it ends. I haven’t seen this guy since we were kids but I’m living back at home, and I think I’m attaching my new pinkpilled anxiety towards men to the last man who genuinely scared me.
Aside from that I’ve been having random bouts of panic and hopelessness throughout the day, I feel super irritable and angry one second then deflated and sad the next. I have no family history of mental illness that I know of, and the worst of it has only started in the past week so idk what’s going on.

No. 218017

I have BPD and I hate being around other BPDfags because they pretty much bitch about everyone else and act like they're empaths. I sometimes wish I had a BPDfag friend in recovery so we could openly talk about our struggles but all with the end goal of improving and not giving into our BPD tendencies. I just don't like how a lot of people with BPD romanticize it or they complain about it but do nothing about it.

Some things I've found helpful:
- Find a DBT book and read only a bit a day. Do the exercises. But make sure you go slowly through the book so you absorb everything. This was way more helpful than therapy ever was. I am planning on rereading the same book for refreshing my memory.
- Medication can be good if you take it with the goal of learning skills that you can use while you're off medications. I think my goal of getting off medications proved very helpful to me.
- Use sobriety counters but for self harm, fights, etc. For instance, I have multiple different counters for me flipping out. One is via text, one is a verbal argent, one is for if I get upset over a neurotic, paranoia bit. These have helped me a lot for the accountability they provide. Plus, you can chart your BPD progress on a graph by documenting each time as a data point.
- Realize that moderating positive emotions is as important as moderating negative emotions. For me, I would get wildly euphoric and happy, but I realized being that way just made me crash down as soon as reality didn't keep on reflecting that high. So moderating me feeling happy and aiming for being content has helped me a lot with the lows, actually. Limiting idealizing people or situations was helpful, too.
- Learn to note your emotions as they happen instead of feeding them. Just noting that "I'm very upset and hurt right now" has helped me be able to avoid going into a full freakout.

Any other tips anons have?

No. 218046

Stroking your arm/thigh for some time will somewhat reduce your level of stress. Talking to yourself in the second person (preferably in inner speech) like you'd do to calm a distressed kitten/partner can also help significantly (something like "hey you, you're having those scary thoughts again? let's go sit down somewhere and calm down for a bit, they won't keep a great girl like you down for long")
Of course those are just cheap tricks, meds and appropriate therapy are still the most efficient methods, especially if it gets so bad you get meltdowns, but it can take some time to find out which specific ones actually work for you

No. 218266

This is very concerning. Are you doing drugs or severely sleep deprived? If so, fix those problems ASAP.
Otherwise, you should definitely see a specialist. Specific recurring delusions are something to be worried about.
You don't seem to have done anything bad as a consequence of these delusions yet, but if it gets worse, you'll likely start telling people weird things, and they'll begin to notice your erratic behavior. And those are only the most mild of the consequences of psychotic disorders.
That being said, it also sounds like it could be a weird OCD thought that you're fixating on and not a genuine delusion. But I'm not a professional, I'm just some person on the internet.
It's better to take care of it before things get out of hand. You don't necessarily need to go on antipsychotics or anything, but you should at least be monitoring it with a professional.

No. 218367

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Has anyone tried Electroconvulsive Therapy for Depression? Did it make you feel again? How do you even ask to get it?

No. 218378

My friend got it a while back and she didn't like it. She got bilateral ect and while it did help her depression, her memory was completely awful (she had said something 5 mins prior just to repeat it again, repeat) and she had to stop it when she went back to school. She got it when it seemed like therapy and medication weren't working enough. Maybe unilateral is different, though.

No. 218389

idk if I need to worry too much about memory loss because years of depression have already destroyed my brain

No. 218392

My sister has been on T whenever she doesn't live at home (lives with genderspecials). I hoped she would stop but the last time I saw my family she had a moustache.

I don't like seeing my family any more because I find it really fucking disturbing. My mom gets into tears whenever she starts talking about it because she sees my sister ruining her health with T, just to fit in with some fucking genderspecial friends. And of course my sister has some fucking gender therapist in her ear approving all of this disgusting shit.

My mom asked what I would do, and I said "I don't know, get her taken to one of those Mormon island prisons?" and my mom got mad at me for joking about it. But if I wasn't joking I would be fucking screaming.

Any ideas or at least anything I can tell my mom? She's an old school hardline feminist and it's destroying her to watch my sister poison herself with male hormones.

No. 218398

Show her the study on ROGD or the book "Trans" by Helen Joyce if you want an explanation for your mother (there's also "Irreversible Damage" but that book comes from a conservative perspective so I don't like it, "Trans" is by someone more logical imo)? When it comes to your sister she's sadly going to do what she thinks she wants, the least you can do is at least be there for her if the placebo from being genderspecial goes away (speaking as someone whose sister did some life-ruining shit no matter how much I protested)

No. 218400

Ty for the answer nona. I've already talked to my mom about a lot of these issues and she agrees it's crazy but it's killing her that she can't say anything about it. She doesn't want my sister to cut her off and only have batshit genderspecials for advice, but she also hates seeing her do this.

It's crazy… if someone is on regular ol drugs you can have an intervention, but if they're on this crazy train they can find therapists & all sorts of people to back them up. More than anything I despise the piece of shit psychiatrists that will prescribe these permanently life altering drugs to young people at the drop of a fucking hat. Genuinely criminal.

I'm just dreading having to talk to my mom soon for the holidays. She keeps wanting me to come back & keep her company but I keep having to turn it down awkwardly because even thinking about what my sister is doing drives me up the wall.

And as far as my sister goes well… I already didn't talk to her barely at all because she's such an insufferable validation seeker. I used to be the more fucked-up black sheep of the family and she was always judging me for skipping school/family events etc… like giving me shit over really minor things. And she was straight As perfect student. And now she's like "all my deep feelings and gender issues"… at least my scars are just on my hands and not a fucking moustache on my fucking face. kek. Jesus Christ.

What really gets my mom is how patently ROGD it is. Like my sister will say all this shit about how she was so miserable in school, had such a hard time with her gender all her life or whatever the fuck, and it drives my mom crazy because she knows it's straight up lies. It's almost like the fake-memories-of-satanic-rituals shit from the 80s, the bullshit that these gender therapists put into these people's heads about their own lives.

No. 218470

last week my therapist was talking about my diagnoses with me and it seemed like my psychiatric team (i'm a bong who leeches off the nhs and they call it that here) is kind of confused about what i am. he said "but you are completely anon" and i felt bad. i'm diagnosed with bpd and an anorexia-like eating disorder but he said i have symptoms of autism, psychosis and a trauma response. is there any hope? i've just begun dbt too and desperately want 2022 to be better than this past year has been.

No. 218479

AYRT, I actually messaged a ROGD detransitioner asking for advice a out a younger family member close to me who wanted to be trans and she (the detransitioner) told me that it's best to just be there for her as family and not bring up the gender stuff for awhile…that sounds annoying and like an "elephant in the room" scenario but if she is away from people who don't lovebomb her identity it can help. This is my own 2 cents but I think if transgender issues do come up I would look into detransitioners around her age on youtube/twitter/tumblr that are more "apolitical" or sympathetic towards transitioning people to show her, even if those people probably have different opinions from you, if she sees not all detrans are evil right wing transphobes or whatever it could give her perspective

No. 218545

Maybe a dumb question but how much memory loss is normal? Like obviously unless you're a savant you probably can't tell me what you did on August 12th, 2013 or even what you did just in that month, but is normal to only have like a select few memories per year? I'm generally okay with remembering things like the layout of my old school or what my old room looked like but when it comes to "events" I feel my memory is very poor.

For example my family was talking about watching the new Dexter this Christmas since we had apparently done the same thing back when the show was originally on. Even my younger sister remembered how we had watched all of Dexter. I have no recollection of that at all. I didn't even know I had ever seen the show outside of a couple episodes. Things like that that where family and friends remind me of stuff that happened that I just can't recall. Just curious if that's actually pretty normal or if it's my brain being fucked from my mental health issues?

No. 218557


I'd love to know too. I forget entire visits to certain state parks, meeting and hanging out with people, day trips, selling clothing or belongings, after only a year. And most conversations by the next day. Not all of them or a majority, but enough to where a few people are concerned about me. I have to keep an Asana task list of everything I need to do, and I do journaling. Sometimes I reread old journal entries and don't remember writing them or remember something happened, even when written in precise detail. It's like the entries belong to someone else. Sometimes I catch myself in the moment not retaining anything around me and have to pinch myself.

I think I have dissociative and/or derealization problems idk

No. 218710

How does a BPDfag cope when you're the most universally hated and mocked mental health disorder, and you have to suppress every aspect of yourself, good and bad, to be tolerable to people? But if you suppress yourself, you're accused of BPDfag manipulation, and if you feel sad because everyone hates you, that's still BPD behavior?
Never ending cycle of fuck. What's the point? Really.

No. 218799

Own your bullshit and reclaim your power of self. Give that borderline 'B' a friend known as 'Yourself' by adding an 'N' to the cluster. To avoid being accused of being a narc, use that hyper self-awareness you gained through people pleasing and stop worrying how others feel about your personality disorder. Learn to validate yourself and not rely on other approval from others. Learn to forgive and show compassion to the parts of yourself that you hate - its usually regurgitated self hate spewed from someone else's lips. Only you are responsible for providing your own validation. It sucks at first but you will feel empowered when it becomes second nature. I am less reactive to other people projections and more resilient to judgement.

Start forming your personality in a way that sustains your future. What do you want to do? How do you want to feel and who do you want to be?

Sounds juvenile but that's the beauty of a personality disorder. You get to try again and learn from the mistakes of last time.
You got this Nona!

No. 218820

File: 1640200755750.png (2.82 MB, 1864x1432, sdfdf.png)

Been on mirtazepine for a month now, fucking hate it. At first it was cloudy and high in a fun-dreamy way, but now I'm feeling nothing again, just wish death on myself.
These past 4 days out of sheer nothingness on the horizon I've been snorting high doses of speed at home, just to feel something.

No. 218829

File: 1640205100985.jpg (21.53 KB, 640x640, owo.jpg)

Thanks nona, that really means a lot to hear

No. 218831

You're not unfixable nonnie, I'm sure you can find the self-love within you and fuck the people who won't give you a chance if you're putting in the work. You're worthy of love and connection

No. 218847

Hi nonnas, im not sure if this is big enough to qualify as a mental disorder but here goes
I have a thing i could describe as "cardiac anxiety" basically at random times i become aware that I can’t feel my heartbeat, or that it’s too fast, and then I start panicking and feeling uncomfortable in my chest
(Even writing about it is making me feel really bad)
This irrational panic makes my heartbeat actually faster, and then I panic more, rarely culminating in an attack. I usually succeed in calming myself down. But it’s hard because I always get this thought that if I think too hard about it I’ll stop my heart on purpose
I needed to tell someone

No. 218907

Do you drink/consume anything with caffeine? I ask because I used to suffer with a lot of heart and anxiety issues, cutting out coffee and sodas helped a bit. Not saying it'd completely cure the issue, but it might help. I didn't think caffeine was having that big of an effect on me until I cut my consumption, I used to wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pulsing really fast and felt like I was going to die. It also sounds like you could be having panic attacks, maybe see a doctor about those or make sure it isn't a medical issue.

No. 218919

This shit did nothing but make me fat tired and suicidal. I feel your pain

No. 221655

I used to be really spergy and obsessive over things. Like the hyperactive weeb that would have fixations and husbandos every few months. As a kid I was extroverted and passionate but I got worn down over the years for multiple reasons and I'm a very sterile, somber person now who doesn't get excited about anything. I was put on meds for depression and ADHD since a young age but stopped them fully in my 20s. When I start a new series or read a new book I want to become obsessed with it so badly but I never can. I envy the cringe fandom spergs on Twitter and Tumblr because at least they have something to enjoy.
Even talking to old high school friends, they bring up jokes I used to make or how I used to act and I can't even remember being that person.
I can't tell if this is just part of being an adult and getting less excited and more mature about things over the years, or if something is changing with my brain. The last time I felt this way was when I was put on lithium, but had to stop cuz of the side effects. I really think my brain chemistry is just fucked from spending more than half my life being a lab rat for psychiatric drugs

No. 221707

Today I had a horrible 1 hour panic attack over the fear of having an aneurysm. I was having dinner with my boyfriend when I stood up to open the door for my cat when I heard a sudden "pop". I immediately felt weird and scared, and went to my laptop to google the possible reasons. Saw "aneurysm" show up and then proceeded to have a full-blown dissociated panic attack where I was convinced I was dying. My vision was blurring, my head spun, I lost my breath, the light seemed so bright. I couldn't logic myself out of this panic or fear and my boyfriend had to sit down and hold me for essentially a whole hour, reminding me to breathe since I would get so stuck in my head in pure panic I would forget to breathe. My heart was racing to hell and even hours later now I am still somewhat scared that something is wrong. My head still hurts, but I know it's just the residual anxiety haunting me.
God I hate my stupid fucking brain.

No. 221846

It might be the meds, honestly. Antidepressants made me become anhedonic to my interests and it stuck ever since, I guess my serotonin is now too high and my dopamine is too low, but psychiatrists just shrug me off and try to put me on a new serotonin medication. I wish I could become immersed in books and movies again instead of seeing something and thinking it was just ok

No. 221978

Fuck nonnie, I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I hate how meds are pushed so much and doctors tell you nothing about this. I don't know about you, but I started at just 10 years old and just obediently took them without a thought. Wish I could turn back the clock for us.

No. 222038

Same, I started around middle school and while I was on-and-off, I wasted half of my life on them and now my brain and body is fucked up, I can't even be spergy in private anymore since I'm just sad and numb. I just work now to cope so I can feel useful

It's funny since as an adult, my ADHD has gotten worse due to adult responsibilities and jobs, but my depression/anxiety only got worse because of taking the medications. I was never put on ADHD meds despite always struggling with it, so I wish I was just given something for ADHD as an adult and a low-dose of something like hydroxyzine or xanax to take as-needed for panic attacks, and a good therapist to talk about why I became depressed, instead of a million pills with iatrogenic side effects that psychiatrists and therapists don't know what to do about

No. 222209

File: 1641653135331.png (46.43 KB, 707x726, FE4E409C-064F-4639-918D-CEEA1D…)

Hi anons, has prozac helped any of you cope with tic-like compulsive behavior? I'm on a low dose that's good for anxiety but I was wondering if a higher dose may also help with ocd-like symptoms

No. 222282

no, my hair-pulling compulsions came back on them.

No. 222353

Did you manage to find meds that help?

No. 222376

Maybe ya'll had it coming, I-

No. 222379

Gurl i gotta be fr I have no fucking clue what you are saying, you type like a spastic but no disrespect on the name u feel me cuh. #rap

No. 222380

No it just made me fuzzy headed and fat

No. 222381

kill yourself

No. 222385

File: 1641703211378.png (77.18 KB, 275x275, 1639643047519.png)

Idk if there's even a name for this but I hate my unsocialized brain so much. It's not even just social awkwardness, past the small talk I have no idea how to speak to or bond with people. No matter how many socializing vids I watch I always end up embarrassing myself/creating awkward silences/ending convos/accidentally offending ppl. The nicer ppl tolerate me and try to talk but they quickly get frustrated and leave me alone, and I don't blame them. I'm so tired of trying when every interaction is painful, I never want to speak to non family again.

No. 222386

File: 1641703847083.jpeg (51.99 KB, 500x520, 05D4F9E7-A5D3-4B37-82F6-019E90…)

I think I have rejection sensitivity as part of general anxiety. I just googled my symptoms and read the verywellmind page on rejection sensitivity and it felt like looking at a recap of my own life. I’m so afraid that other people - even my good friends - are going to decide one day that I’m unbearable and never speak to me again, so at the slightest sign of disinterest I write someone off in my mind and avoid them moving forward. I wish I had the confidence to cope with being disliked and not want to jump ship every time I felt a little bit uncomfortable.
Does anyone with the same feelings have advice for overcoming or just coping with these feelings? I feel like if I don’t check this behaviour now I’m going to make it to 40 years old thrice divorced with no one in my life but my fifteen cats.

No. 222513

every med i've taken sucked, lmao.

No. 223165

I stopped having obsessive thoughts on Zoloft, which I understand as being very similar to Prozac. I've been off it for a while now, and they're still mostly gone. I don't obsess over suicide, count my steps, ruminate on violent thoughts, etc. it's the #1 thing it helped me with, even though I didn't realize how much of a problem those things were for me when I started.

However, physical, mindless things like picking at my skin and nails never got better, and I also developed a thing where I pluck my pube hairs. So, it might not address your problems very specifically.

I also think Zoloft made me less intelligent (at least while I was on it). However, unlike other anons, my experience was mostly positive, so I'm sharing my perspective.

No. 223862

File: 1642280582457.jpg (13.57 KB, 250x248, 1635208615843s.jpg)

i feel like i am reading something i wrote, even down to seeing the video of that lady with nasal cancer. i have diagnosed ocd btw

it's been 8 months, anon are you doing any better?

i find that supplementing magnesium & NAC has somewhat calmed these intrusive thoughts. have you tried any supplements?

my thoughts like this are coming back somewhat now but i think that is because my diet is quite poor lately and i am not getting much sun

No. 224298

Have you considered working with a psych on this? I know it's an uncomfortable idea but you can accomplish a lot without ever having to deal with meds.

No. 224719

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop purging? I don’t binge but I vomit at least part of every meal. I’m already underweight and was in hospital last year. I’m meant to be following a meal plan to get back to a healthy BMI but ever since I started eating more often I just can’t stop throwing it up and I often do it straight back into the bowl I’ve just finished eating out of.

No. 224778

How do you even go about getting a diagnosis? Specifically for ADHD and maybe depression. I just feel like something is wrong with me and how I function but I don't even know where to start. (Canada-fag by the way.)

No. 224911

not sure how it works in canada but i was diagnosed as a kid when my parents took to me to get a mental evaluation from a psychologist and i was asked a lot of questions about symptoms/behaviors/life experiences, and he gave them a paper with the things i was diagnosed with. the same probably applies for adults seeking a diagnosis but getting a new evaluation has been hard for me

No. 225754

File: 1642968595861.jpeg (107.29 KB, 811x843, 8269F8BC-3B6C-4A8F-8495-32D188…)

Who else feels like they can’t discuss your problems with your therapist? I’ve been trying for so long to find the right therapist. It just feels impossible.

No. 225809

File: 1642980379755.jpeg (5.8 KB, 225x225, téléchargement.jpeg)

I'm once again gonna see yet another therapist but at this point i'm doing it just for her to change my antidepressant, up my dose or put me on benzos. I don't give a shit about therapy. At best it's the therapist ranting about things i've already thought about, at worst it brings up trauma and makes me remember how shit my life is and makes me cry for the rest of the day.

>>218820 Lucky you, for some reasons it puts me in a paranoid state and raised my heart rate (even tho those are not common side effects). Had to come back to seroplex that makes me feel nothing and is starting to wear off.

No. 225811

DO NOT laugh at me. This embarrasses me and makes me feel very illogical.

I have been having odd sensory experiences since I was 16, about two and a half years ago. It started out at a time when I was stressed to point of numbness.

I thought I could smell horrible, rotten things. I began to think people could hear my thoughts. It started off mild, like that.

Then I thought spiders were crawling under my skin and I heard whispers in my ear. I felt watched by an evil prescence, and could see the walls breathe. And I thought this was all a sign I needed an exorcism. That I was having an incredible spiritual experience. I felt numb on some days, and on others, I felt ‘hyper real’, I was discovering colours for the first time, I felt powerful, euphoric, ascended.

I later considered that it could be a mental illness, when I asked my best friend if she ever experienced that, like maybe I can see the supernatural. Because it felt real, I couldn’t know it was fake. For the most part, the symptoms ended. I would sometimes feel ‘spiders’ or hear conversations right inside my head that weren’t real, and hear music as if it was real, inside my head. Crazy. Fun, even. I saw the sky melt upwards in front of me, and it was real. But it felt ok.

What wasn’t fun, was what happened when I was feeling low. There are messages sent for me in things I see. Text looks like something it’s not. I thought people around me had been sent to watch me and hunt me. They know my secrets. They wish me harm. They will violently murder me, and they are taunting me with their eyes. This has happened a couple of times recently, and caused me to act unnecessarily aggressively- this makes me very ashamed.

I think, whatever I’m experiencing, gets worse when I’m nervous. I haven’t had a diagnosis of anything because I don’t know if a diagnosis will affect my rights or my employment opportunities. But does anyone know what this is? Will it go away by itself?

No. 225817

You have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. Please get professional help.

No. 225820

How do you know with such certainty? I don’t think I’m a crazy person. Also, if I get help, won’t employers find out?

No. 225821

I'm sorry anon but >>225817 is right, you have a form or schizophrenia.
>if I get help, won’t employers find out?
Not necessarily, therapy and/or getting diagnosed at a clinic is private. You really should consider getting a diagnosis asap.
>Will it go away by itself?
No it won't, not without the right help.

No. 225822

Anon…your symptoms are text book. Paranoia, delusion, hallucinations, mania. You're not crazy, you are just ill. And a psych could help you manage these symptoms. So you don't have to feel spiders under your skin and see walls breathe.

No. 225823

*form of

No. 225829

Ok, thank you for being honest. I will seek help even if it doesn’t feel too bad right now.

No. 226013

NTA but what dosages of magnesium and NAC help you? I've been on both individually, but never noticed a difference in it helping intrusive thoughts.

No. 226032

Is there any real help or hope for AVPD and agoraphobia? I don't have insurance and can't afford a therapist.

No. 226050

Idk if it's the same thing you're talking about, but I feel embarrassed about my problems a lot. before I found a therapist there were so many things I wanted to discuss, and now I find it difficult to discuss them, because I feel embarrassed/ashamed and want my therapist to like me, because if I say these weird things he won't. even though he's not supposed to like me, he's not my friend, he's my therapist. I always think "that's too cringe, I can't say that" or "that's too weird/retarded, I can't say that".

of all the mental disorders, I think those ones are easier to treat, I don't really know though so I could be wrong.

I don't know where you live, but if you're in america you might be eligible for medicaid, and I think there are some counsellors who will take medicaid. if not there might be other low income places where you could seek therapy. sorry I couldn't help more.

No. 226058

>easier to treat than other disorders
as a person with AVPD (mixed with some other traits), haha no. Why do you think it's easy to treat? In my experience it's true that most therapists dont know wtf do with you (as the author of Distancing stated in his book). I do not mean to discourage OP, since if you don't try, nothing will happen.
I had agoraphobia, but meds took care of that so I will not speak about it.

No. 226112

I didn't mean easy to treat in general, I more meant easy to treat in comparison to something like BPD.

No. 226187

Struggling to distinguish reality at this point. Its been a 5 year journey of being diagnosed with anxiety/secondary depression and this year ADHD. The anxiety/depression label came from a combo of living alone for the first time with a hectic uni schedule and weird physical sensations that I couldn't make sense of. Like numbness, tingling in my limbs, palpitations, pins and needles, muscle twitches. It set off a wave of paranoia that I was dying of some degenerative nerve disease that just ended up progressing into years of hypochondria or health related anxiety or whatever you want to call it. I've convinced myself I have an aneurysm, nasal cancer, throat cancer, MS, motor neuron disease etc over the years. I've bounced around from doctor to doctor and they kept on saying I was okay in every sphere which is great sure but it wasn't enough for me. New shit kept on popping up every couple of months - pains, new sensations, loss of sensation and I just keep on spiraling. This was usually coupled with waves of anxiety, I'd care less and experience the physical shit less when I was in a better frame of mind. Antidepressants helped for a while because I wasn't anxious. The combination of the presence of legitimate illness didn't help, I've had and still have autoimmune issues over the years. This month my rheumatologist discovered I have a relatively serious B12 deficiency. Which can apparently cause a lot of the mental and physical issues I've been having over the years (and was never tested for lol). But where the fuck do I draw the line? What is my physical health vs my mental health? I'm so sick of the paranoia of being ill and overthinking everything but I hyperfixate on my issues and find it difficult to break the cycle. Doctor suggests fibromyalgia and to take antidepressants again to help, I didn't even believe in fibro as anything else but a munchie disease till she brought it up and I don't even want to fucking think about it because this makes me feel even more like a munchie. I'm so sick of being pumped with meds on a whim and hearing "ifs" and "maybes" when all of my issues are so intertwined and I or anyone else can't make sense of any of them. I wish my fucking brain could be normal and not fixate on health so much because I can't take myself seriously anymore, even if I have definite proof of deficiency/illness. I'm a burden on my partner who supports me through my anxiety spells and I've gotten to a point where I don't even care about dying because I don't have to go through this endless paranoia. I don't trust myself because of the years of paranoia and delusion, and I don't trust doctors because of years of them telling me I was just depressed for every single symptom I've had. Jesus christ I would love to be normal again and not be this way.

No. 226329

>I more meant easy to treat in comparison to something like BPD.
I don't know why you think so, you have no experience with either treating AVPD or being treated. Rude

No. 226659

well I have a long history of mental health issues with a lot of symptoms that line up with both AVPD and STPD, I was seeking therapy for them but now it's harder because I lost my insurance and have to pay for it out of pocket, so yeah, I really don't have much experience in being treated. plus it's a known fact that cluster B disorders are pretty much the hardest to treat, I was just trying to give anon hope by saying that AVPD might be easier to treat by comparison. I also said "I don't know though, I could be wrong". sorry, I'll make sure not to reply to any posts in this thread anymore.

No. 226664

nona your advice is good and you're right about bpd treatment, dont beat yourself up

No. 226666

I did not mean to scare you off, sorry Nona. I was just annoyed at what I felt was trivialising of a serious problem eating away at me and others. It's fucked up since AVPD wasn't researched as much as some other personality disorders, so it's hard to find a therapist who knows what they are doing. There are hardly any books about AVPD or for people with AVPD. Nobody cares, in comparison to BPD. Pretty hard to say how easy it is to treat when nobody specialises in it and there are hardly good resources. The one dude who specialises in it also recommended to become a gravekeepee if your AVPD isn't getting better. Big LOL. And that's in a good book on the topic.
I wish you all the best on your road to mental health recovery, stay strong.

No. 226681

I've visited a psychiatrist/therapist for the first time as an adult. I'm in a kind of crisis (anxiety, depression). He immediately prescribed effexor. I'm afraid to take it. I'm employed and finishing a very difficult qualification in my field. If I do not do this, my career is in the trash. I need to be able to think. What I have read about Effexor makes me want to kms. What do I do? My brain is all I have.

No. 226685

Reading package information leaflet for any medicine can make you feel like death is imminent. Just look at something as common and easily accesible as ibuprofen, reading information about it really makes you think like this cannot end well for you - and it does nothing to almost anyone. Any depression medicine will be even more terrifying of a read but you really shouldnt get discouraged because it does help vast majority of people, and your doctor believes you'll be one of them. If anything feels even a little off, you can report it to the psychiatrist immediately and get a change of meds. You shouldn't get all the side effects info get in your head too much though, this really is the help you need. I recommend looking through places like depression related subreddits, read some posts about other people's experience with this medicine, it can give you a lot of hope.

No. 226706

I'm terrified that it will change who I am. I feel "bad" for thinking like this. I wouldn't have been at the dr if I didn't feel desperate, so I can see something is needed.

I had two giant medical crises last year (not covid) and one was an adrenaline-secreting tumor. Ii thought when it was gone, my "panic" would end.It hasn't. They aren't full-blown like before but ffs yesterday all day, tachycardia, tight chest, tingling fingers and toes. I nearly had a panic attack bc I thought the tumor was still there, but my follow-up was clean

I've lost weight, if I lose more it will really tip people off that something is still wrong with me. When I have these periods, I'm so shaky and nervous, I can't eat.

In my field, many people - including my boss - are not supportive or understanding about mental health. I was basically on an elite track to succeed but my delays have pissed off my boss and now who knows if I have any chance at all.

I guess all of that is reason enough to be on depression meds? God I'm so sorry i'm crying typing this, because TO ME right now for myself it feels like a failure, like an admission that I'm a giant fucking loser who cannot bravely get on with things. But I'm alone, my family is far away in another country, idk what to do.

What will it feel like, anons? I have never felt happier after taking a (prescribed) pain pill or drinking or even a weed cookie (last made me have vertigo and throw up). I've probably been happy only a couple times in my whole life.

Will I be able to think and work? Sorry anons I just have no one I trust, the reddits on mental health are full of people who scare me too

No. 226707

thank you for replying and I am sorry for writing all that, I just prefer to talk to women only about this also. I don't have a burner reddit acct but also I just… prefer here, nothing easily findable

No. 226708

>brain is full of poison
>goes to therapist to discuss and release said poison from mind
>therapist instantly prescribes more poison rather than actually dealing with you

sorry anon but enjoy being a pillhead now. stick to better lifestyle changes first before you resort to medicating your emotions. ill get slammed for my opinion of course, but medicating yourself like a 50s housewife won't eliminate the problems you're really facing. get a counsellor or someone you can actually talk to and work things out with.

No. 226709

I haven't taken any pills or even filled the Rx yet, so maybe chill with calling me a pillhead. Have never taken a single psych or anxiety pill as an adult, I don't abuse any substances either.

No. 226710

I used to take it for a long time with a no problem. Don't worry OP

No. 226711

this is retarded, usually medication is used as a stabilizer so you are able to function. IDK if OP's psychiatrist (I'm confused about op describing them as a therapist as well, but maybe that's how it works wherever she lives - here it's either one or the other) did that, but usually therapy is recommended along pills.
I'm unable to function without some medication for depression because I immediately go off the rails and not in a logical reason - it's not triggered by anything happening in my life (and yet I cannot get out of bed, im constantly crying and snapping at people unprovoked, have suicidal ideations, want to self-harm etc.), but that's only half of the issue. I'm going to therapy for the rest of my bullshit. A lot of people are able to stop medication, either when their depressive episode passes or they get better thanks to self-improvement and therapy.

No. 226712

Your worries are understandable - and it would be justified to bring them up next time you see a psychiatrist, since having reservations and increased stress levels can have some influence on how well the medication will work. Finding the right medication can be a process - it might not be the first one that is prescribed, but when there are no other ways to cope, it really is a right choice to keep searching, for your future's sake. You're worried about it changing you - the goal is to find something that will not do that, that will help you find balance and give your mind ways to deal with the negative symptoms you're experiencing. So, if you start taking a medication and you feel in any way "off" about it, you should report it to your doctor as soon as possible and decide on how to deal with it. And if you feel no change, don't lose hope, because it usually takes about 2 months for it to start working fully. So if, as you say, one time solutions didn't work for you in the past, don't worry - this is a long process, because depression is a complex issue to solve.
There are other things outside depression medication that can help - therapy, healthy diet, touching the grass but unironically - but when you're experiencing chronic depression it won't be enough. For me, saying a depressed person should just rely on "natural" methods only is like telling a person with cancer to just "try harder to get better". It's an individual's choice of course, but science and medicine progressed so much there's no reason to not rely on it when we want and need to.
The change will not be immediate, but you're on a good path, nona. You can live the life you want, think and work like any healthy person, and even if it gets worse again, it won't be as deep and overwhelming as it is now. It will be okay.

No. 226713

I chose someone who is both a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, because I didn't know which I would need to solve my problems. I understand my fear of the medicine is dumb considering I chose someone with both specialties so that he could prescribe medicine if I needed it.

I speak three languages and needed to find someone in this country who can communicate in one of them, also. Was an additional factor.

No. 226714

thanks anon. I was using exercise to cope but realized it isn't working anymore either. Wish I could get out of this mindset where I am suspicious of the doctor and the whole field of psychiatric medicine. Sorry again, all my opinions and suspicions are related to me. I am happy for others when therapy or medication works for them. But I believe my problems are my own fault and how could medication change that? I wouldn't be anxious if I just worked harder and wrote my project faster, right? Then I would have confidence. This is toxicity, sure, but I can't shake that feeling at all.

No. 226715

I think seeing a therapist would be a great groundwork for you to accept the help you need, be it medication or anything else.

No. 226718

I see anon. Maybe there are people like this in my country too, but when you set up a visit, you always see them "as" either or the other. They either act as psychiatrists or therapists etc.
I don't think your concerns are retarded at all, they are valid and understandable. I thought the other anon was retarded for suggesting medication is a bad solution. Love that the same bulkshit that I've been fed by my ignorant family is now being repacked as some woke tinfoil shit.

No. 226801

Effexor was very bad for me personally. It did very little for my mental health, and it gave me horribly dry eyes– bad enough that I had to discontinue because of that symptom alone. And the withdrawals were fucking awful. They made me less functional than I was before starting medication at all.

That being said, Zoloft did me well overall. It didn't change who I was, which was I too was afraid of. Instead, it made me not spend 80% of my free time thinking about the meaninglessness of life and how miserable I was. I still believed that life was meaningless, but I didn't waste a bunch of time making myself all miserable about it, and I could think about other things. It was fairly nice.

Anyways, even though effexor has a fairly high success rate, the failure rate is still significant, and getting off it is a bitch. So, maybe consider talking to your doctor about trying an SSRI before an SNRI.

No. 226837

Is it normal to think that other people can hear your thoughts?
Often I will start thinking strange or evil thoughts about someone in the room, things I really don't believe. Then, I will think they've heard me, and I will get very panicked and have to repeat a certain phrase over and over in my head for a while so they can't hear me anymore. I have certain people who I go out of my way to avoid because I am embarrassed about how they have heard me.
I don't know if I am overreacting, this could very well be a normal, passing problem that I am neurotically preserving.

No. 226838

If you think things like this from time to time but they don't cause harmful effects on your life, I think you can just consider them unpleasant intrusive thoughts, which can come in many forms and are fairly normal. Your avoidant behavior however suggests that you aren't handling it too well, do you genuinely think people can hear your thoughts, or do you just follow the compulsion to avoid people so the intrusive thoughts will go away? It might be worth sitting down with a counselor or therapist and see if you can't figure out some healthy ways to cope with them so they don't disrupt your relationships. The thoughts themselves aren't that abnormal, it's more about how they affect your life and how much weight you give them.

No. 226839

Were you always being criticized/had no privacy/had strict parents?

No. 226844

Thank you for replying, I am just being anxious. I will try to react more normally to this stuff and it will go away quickly.

No. 226888

I wouldn't say this is a normal manifestation of anxiety. It's veering into paranoia. Definitely something to bring up with your doctor or therapist.

No. 226900

Anyone have any experience with adderall IR?

No. 226980

Try asking in >>>/ot/586560. It's a little more active than this thread, too.

No. 228126

File: 1643779691569.jpeg (13.84 KB, 301x300, 246374u5578.jpeg)

How do I even get therapy if I'm too anxious/poor to reach out and try to find one? I want to talk with someone about anxiety & socializing issues but of course those exact issues prevent me from seeking help. Also is it autistic to not want to look at the person when I'm talking to them? I hate having to talk face to face about feelings

No. 228231

You could start with online therapy and request to do it with voice/text only until you feel more comfortable. With practice, you'll be able to socialise and have serious conversations in person, too. And about being poor: obviously payment is an obstacle but this is your health and future we're talking about. You're going to be miserable for the rest of your life unless you start seeking help. Try emailing teletherapists in your area, just one each day, or signing up for a site like 7cups and trying to talk with just one person. I know it's difficult and scary to get started but I believe in you anon. You can do it.

No. 228323

Late but if you do take effexor please keep up with it, don't ever miss it. I used to be on it and would frequently miss due to forgetfulness and the withdrawal is absolutely horrendous. Worst nausea and vomiting I have experienced.

No. 228688

I decided to try it. Today is day 6. I'm dizzy and nauseated; the first 3 days were the worst. I felt drugged. Heavily. I have NO appetite on this drug. I have to force myself to eat something with the pill in the morning (usually a granola or fruit bar) and some days I literally ate nothing else.

All I want to do is sleep.

Does this end? I brought up my concerns via text and he convinced me to give it a little longer. It's true that I am desperate to get a grip on my anxiety/fear/depression, otherwise I would never dream of trying this.

omg and the surreal nature of everything. Wtf is this doing to me? I'm alone and there were days I literally felt too dizzy to care for my pet (I did, don't worry)

No. 228710

Started Concerta XL (18mg) about 2-3 weeks ago and I really don't feel any different except that the racing thoughts have stopped. Could it be that my dosage is just too low? I can't get Adderall in Europe.

No. 228712

I haven't felt this way in a while but I've been feeling so worthless, alone, and like my life is empty and worth nothing. It's making me seek out dangerous situations and get involved with men when I never have done this sort of thing before. I'm just so sick of sitting on my computer, not doing anything, and hating life. When I'm with these men, it makes me feel desired even if for a moment. It's so much better than being completely alone with no one to hold me.

I am NOT proud of this at all and I despise it, but sometimes I have feelings of wanting to be used since I'm useless and no one wants to touch me otherwise. I feel like I'm better off being someone's toy to cuddle or have sex with. And no, I'm not a man. These are actual feelings I have struggled with since my teens. Anyone else experience similar feelings?

No. 228759

Feeling hollow and tired. Don't want to do anything. Don't want to eat, don't care about games, don't want to watch anything, don't want to read anything, I just lie there. I don't think it's ever really been this bad. I don't even feel sad, I just don't feel anything. On my 3rd year of SSRIs, sober for maybe 4 months now, can't remember the last time I had an emptiness this total before.

I'm still forcing myself to shower, work out, etc but it's like piloting an automata. Beep boop no one will realize there's no one inside.

Just venting, I don't to burden anyone irl with my "problems"

No. 228839

I took it when I was a teenager 10+ years ago and I can only remember the withdrawal. I was just kind of a pill drone back then (I'm this anon >>221655) so I didn't note anything with my mood. I'm sorry it's going roughly.
I don't exactly trust docs at this point but if he says to hold out a little longer, maybe a few days. I am reading that it takes a few weeks to kick in, longer if depression is severe, but if it's really fucking you up this badly to the point where you can't function then I don't think it's worth it.

No. 228842

Is anybody else in the same boat as me? When I was 17, I was diagnosed with psychosis by CAHMS and they passed me on to the NHS after I turned 18 for possible treatment. Eventually, I had a chat with an NHS worker, and she ended up telling me it was just "thoughts and feelings". I had to press them to get any sort of diagnosis, so they arranged for me to speak to a clinical psychologist. He said I have emotional intensity and dysregulation. He also recommended that I speak to a counsellor at a youth group I was attending at the time. The youth group didn't actually have a counsellor available so I had to wait a few months. By the time she did become available, I was so busy with college and my job that I wasn't free when she wanted to call me. I texted her if she could email me instead of call, and she left me on read. That frustrated me so much that I never wanted to contact her again. And now, I'm not in any sort of therapy or counselling, I'm just floating through life with no idea where I'm headed.

No. 228882

Hey anon I'm Feeling the same way. I'm a "vulnerable" person during this pandemic and it's really getting to me so I've gone into autopilot and feel so numb and depressed. Want to talk?

No. 228936

I see you anon… You're pulling through despite it all and maintaining survival under voidlike conditions! That's a huge feat. Please give yourself some credit and praise.. it's not easy.

I beeep beep bop to you in a soul depleted solidarity; Numb.
keep beepnoopin on anon

No. 228951

To any anons that spent their adolescence on antidepressants, I'm with you. I spent my child and teen years depressed and medicated as fuck but I'm starting to realize it was a combination of my stereotypically lazy as fuck, sedentary American upbringing coupled with a terminal internet addiction that caused my depression. And now I have to deal with all of, what I assume to be, side-effects of being medicated during such formative years of my life. It feels like you cannot get genuine help without being sold an antidepressant or an anti-anxiety medication.

No. 228952

File: 1644088422556.jpg (109.57 KB, 600x839, 075cefd3ec3f3cf8a8babea074551c…)

This is so much so much pain, so much betrayal coming from the people who should be there to support you, of course you're really traumatized… it's so, so much to deal with. I really wish there was some simple lifebelt I could throw you right now, but there's so much piling up any simple advice will sound empty and inconsiderate. I do believe though you can still be happy, even if it's many years in the future. If you can distance yourself completely from your parents that would be a great start, second step being focusing on your job and getting some security and stable footing. I don't know what country you're from but with a job you should have medical insurance that should allow you to be able to seek psychological help that would be covered by said insurance - and I think that should be next major step that would really, really benefit you, at least for starters, to untangle all that has been going on in your life and start seeing the way out of it. I wish you a real, genuine, long lasting happiness you deserve to feel safe and at peace, and it's not impossible to achieve someday.

No. 228958

I was on them since childhood. I've spent time in therapy as an adult unpacking the fact that there was medical neglect in my childhood. I had health problems that bothered me for years and my parents were like "yeah yeah back pain is normal in kids and teens" But as soon as a social worker got involved to tell my parents to medicate my depression.. that was the one thing they did and did for years. With any other complaint they wouldn't want to pay for a doctors visit or a prescription but they happily paid for my hefty SSRI dose every month at the advice of a professional. I kept telling them the meds made me feel worse. The beginning was really rough even with just side effects. They insisted I had to take them.

I remember reading a book on SSRIs when I was 18, how they work, how sero receptors essentially kill themselves off when you have this extra serotonin suddenly being flooded in.. and how they don't know if it's ok for kids to take them. They don't know what long term effect it has if your brain is developing and you're on an adult dose of meds. They admit they don't know enough yet. You just hope for the best when taking these things. I've often wondered if most of my issues stem from my brain chemistry trying to find a balance again after being medicated so young. I've no way of knowing how I would've turned out if I got therapy instead of forced meds. I started to feel suicidal in my first few months on the pills and never was before that. There's warnings all over the info leaflets saying teens can become suicidal from them and to monitor teens closely for that reason… ?

I'm not anti-meds, I think medicating a kid against their will when they're not acting out badly or dealing with something like psychosis is a grey area though. I felt like a zombie most of the time with these fleeting suicidal moments thrown in. I begged to be let off them again. Who did that help? Why was I not listened to?

Going on meds, dealing with side effects, weaning back off of them is all hard enough as an adult. I don't wish that on kids and would have a very hard think about putting a child on an antidepressent. Can't imagine keeping a begging child on the same meds making them feel worse. I can't wrap my head around it. I try to let the past be but I'd be lying if I pretended I don't feel like I was failed at that age. The one time I was put in front of a professional and the outcome was years of zombie fatigue. Important years of my life just passed by wuth me stuck in that state.

No. 228966

I now basically hate pills because I was fed them as a child against my will. Combined with my parents abuse and the fact that so much happened to me I now realize what happened to me wasn't normal, or healthy, and that it's a terrible thing to put a 10 year old girl on ssris. My parents won't accept their mistakes or responsibility in making me the way I am. The only thing that really works for me is lamictal and my anti anxiety medication, ssri's are poisonous trash to me. What disgusts me is that thanks to my insurance soon being cut off I can't afford pills anyway. I'd almost say I feel barely different without them, but it's not true. I'm not anti meds for people who need them and consent to taking them, if it works for them. pills for the most part, esp ssris have done nothing but ruin my young life, and realizing that now it contributed further to me becoming a bpd bipolarfag angers me so much. I was a child. Whose fucking rational idea is it to put a child on meds intended for adults and not expecting it to stunt them. Might as well have fed me narcotics instead, would've had the same effect. My parents and big pharma are trash for thinking it was appropriate to feed meds to a ten year old.

No. 228967

Fuck nonnies I'm crying. You both share my experience to a T, especially the second anon. Lamictal and anti anxiety meds were the only thing that really did anything but my body eventually got used to them too. But SSRIs? Fuck that. I want to go back in time and stand up for myself and tell my parents no. I wish I had an adult brain back then that could advocate for myself, instead of just being an obedient pill-popping child.
I'm so angry this shit is normalized. We're breeding generations of kids with fried brains and it's apparently a """good thing"". For fuck's sake.
Funny thing too is that they are pushed in so many circumstances. I had some medical issues that my doctor dismissed as anxiety and she was pushing SSRIs on me and refused to give me anything else. Not even a medication with less side effects. I told her my history with them and how I wasn't comfortable, she didn't care. It's too bad that fighting back against medication in any way labels you as some woowoo believer.

No. 228976

It's fucked that people are constantly on about opioid addiction, adderall addiction, and xanax addiction and all that when the real crime is giving children medication when they have no autonomous choice to say no to it, especially adult ssris. I really don't know what pushed me to be this problematic child my parents labeled me as other than their obviously bad and abusive parenting, but at this point I barely remember enough from my childhood to comprehend why they made this decision. ssris are up there on the addiction and harmful drug scale and impact child patients brains far more than people could anticipate and yet they still fed them to children in the 00s and even now. I don't hate medication itself if it helps someone, I hate it when it's given to someone who has no choice in the matter. And people act like I'm entitled and that it "helped" me and that I otherwise would have been dead without it. Well, think about why your prepubescent daughter would have wanted to die, then, instead of refusing to talk about it and just forcefeeding her pills. My main psychatrist who I had through my teens, not talk therapist, also shamed me for developing an eating disorder to the point where I stormed out of her office crying and never went back to see her again. She's the one who first put me on ssris. She would weigh me everytime I came in. Looking back it's so fucked up and with my limited memories of her it's obvious she was a wretched therapist, but it wasn't my choice to go to her in the first place. None of this was. Just because I got therapy didn't mean it was good therapy or that I was properly diagnosed. I didn't get a proper disorder diagnosis that made sense until I was fucking 19 years old, and then I wonder what the first ten years were for. I'm just grateful for my current talk therapist who I've known since highschool, it's not her job to prescribe me meds and she's helped me actualize a lot of what went wrong when I was younger.

No. 228989

Im an immigrant child from a slavic to western country too. I remember also suffering the brunt of my parents financial decline, the fights they had, my mum falling severely ill from stress etc. Granted I never faced awful physical abuse like you did but I can sympathise with how you had to walk on eggshells your whole childhood. Because of how poor we were and how high my parents standards were I was always forced to trapeze carefully along the bar of 'academia' and 'being a proper child'.
Separating myself from my parents and gaining my own autonomy was great, I moved into my bfs place and I finally started doing things without 'permission'. They still call me multiple times a day but its better than what it used to be. I struggle with a lot of depression due to my childhood and then getting into a fucked relationship at an early age, and while I tried a therapist and it wasn't for me, it might really help you to just vent and be able to speak to someone who's there to help get you into a better mental state (consider online therapists first maybe). My number one advice though is autonomy. Start doing the things you want to do in life and leave the past where it surely lies.. in the past. Your childhood trauma is over now, you can enjoy adulthood on your own terms. Even if you've brought bad habits into your life now, you can always unlearn these behaviours and become a whole new person with your own preferences. I've been trying to do that really hard for the past 2-3 years or so. I'm even redoing the things I loved doing as a child, but without my parents breathing down my neck about it. Reclaiming self worth is a huge but fulfilling exercise.
Writing about the past really helps too, maybe get yourself a journal or a private online journal for yourself and just let it all out there.
Your situation is a very deep and difficult one anon, but you can claim your mental health back from the people who took it from you. Good luck.

No. 229031

I was just discussing the opioid and benzo stuff to my friend. How they will worry so much about that, but won't worry that they might be setting a child up for failure and to never feel pleasure in their adult lives.
I relate the same to you. I have had people tell me, and I honestly do feel, entitled and that I should be thankful for what my parents did. I always was told they "Only want what's best for me", which is a statement that infuriates me to hear. I know that parents have it hard and they probably just want a quick fix for whatever is up with their mentally ill child, but I wish they'd do some consideration and critical thinking instead of just believing whatever the doctor says. I can't even air my grievances to my family about this because it comes off as guilt tripping, and they say they just wanted to help, so I'm the bad guy.
I'm sorry you had so many shitty doctors yourself. I lucked out with a decent psych as a teenager but in adult life they've been so, so awful. It really makes me wonder just why these people even enter this field if they are going to be so shitty to their patients and not practice empathy. If any doctors should, it should be them. Even if that particular one wasn't experienced with EDs like, she should have known better how triggering weigh ins can be. What the fuck was she thinking? I'm glad you have a good therapist right now that listens at the very least.

No. 229060

>Want to talk?
No but thank you for offering. My plan is to keep busy and never think about it, keep moving like how a shark always keeps moving until it dies. Eventually I'll be able to repress it enough to forget it's there.

No. 229091

my parents are honestly abusive narcs themselves, without going into too much detail, in different ways, though my mom is the one that messed me up. I don't know what caused me to be the way I was pre adolescence. I worry I could've been molested or abused somehow and have wiped it, since it's common to suppress that trauma, but as an adult I've never been able to unbury the root of my problems pre adolescence that wasn't somehow connected to my parents behavior. one would think I would've recalled it by now. when I asked my dad politely if anything ensued when I was a child he said I was dramatizing things and for me to shut up. The hypocrite later recanted this and actually told me something. I learned one disturbing fact that's haunted me. my mom as an infant left me alone with a midsize dog and he bit me on the head. she only came in to check on me after he bit me once and I started crying. I cannot believe that bitch let her stupid dog bite me. it took until adulthood for my father to tell me this, and he laughed about it as he did. They're so obsessed with their own self perfection, even after their muddy divorce, that they will never or seldom admit if they accidentally let anything bad happen to me. It would tarnish their pristine visages of themselves as narcs

it's like can ones parents, family and adolescence truly fuck them up this bad? if the reason for my permanent early mental damage is a dog bite, I am going to scream. I've known people who have gone through far worse and healed, so why am I not fully healed? My brain is on its way up, then why does it still feel fractured? It just makes me think my parents must be hiding some terrible secret, and then I beat myself up for not remembering anything. It's not my fault my memory has adapted to suppression to forget the pain of what I've gone through. It hurts. I want my reality to be real, not some fantasy or gapped photo album in my mind, and it's never going to be fully dissociated from the drug souped kid I was. It's fucked me up and nobody wants to admit it. I'm glad I'm recognizing it and not turning to addiction like a lot of the people who have these problems have, but it's so tempting to just want to put a knife through my jugular knowing how dysfunctional I am. I related to one pathetic and sad, depersonalized thing my idle said, and it's resonated with me: I don't exist, I'm just a character? I sometimes feel that way. That level of sensitive and fragile anger and detached lack of persona. The only reason I sound constantly high with a stoner voice is because I am constantly high, and I didn't ask for it. I have to salvage my own reality out of not being able to remember a lot. A good portion of my past is lost on me. I've been spliced into selves and eras and there's nothing I can do about it. Is there a constant me? Is there a me? Will I in five years recognize myself now? This is why I value the sentimentality of writing alone and trying to preserve what I don't want to suppress, but in five years it'll still hurt if I don't remember it.

No. 229105

i have bad OCD and i also pick at my skin, i always did. i remember as a child i had a scab at the back of my head which i always picked at until the wound got almost as big as a coin. i loved pulling the scab pieces out of my hair and i compulsively ate them, sorry for being disgusting. later in life i learned that basically all the family on my mothers side struggled with either OCD and/or dermatillomania. my grandfather picked the skin around his thumbs until there was nothing but raw flesh. there's a genetic component to both OCD and dermatillomania so of course my mother inherited the skin picking especially focussed on the fingers and passed it on to me. i start doing it subconsciously and when i notice it there's already a piece of skin sticking out and annoying me so bad that i have to pull it off.

No. 229110

I hate having ocd and having to check things 30 times please kill me

No. 229126

I haven't been diagnosed but I wouldn't be surprised if I have ocd, I've been picking at myself since I was a kid and I used to 'wipe' light switches with my finger after turning them on. I did so much weird shit like that but now I've grown out of most of it but sadly I'm left with the awful skin picking habit. I have scarred my face, I have a crown of scabs on my hairline that I still pick every day, I pick my nose all day, I bite my nails and am always finding something to fuck with. It sucks.

No. 229151

File: 1644199293753.jpg (142.08 KB, 960x960, 7cfd83ffda98074ccd8f0d0e7de5af…)

I am the best.
I am best girl.
I am my own best friend.
I won't turn back on myself.
I deserve good things.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be comfortable and safe.
I'll always have me.
People love me because I'm great.
I won't let other, lesser people trip me up.
I love me.
I will always love me.
There is only one me
And she is beautiful and wonderful.
I am beautiful and wonderful.
I can do many great things.
I should always be first for myself.
No one else is first before me.
I am whole.
I am complete, just by myself.
I must always love myself.
I will love myself before anyone else.
I am full of love for myself inside.
No one can ever take that away from me.
I am valuable.
I will always be valuable.
I do not weigh my worth in whether others want me or not.
I will always have worth.
I will always be enough for me.
I will focus on caring for myself first.

I am thankful for my birth.
I am thankful for my hard-earned successes.
I am thankful to those that have been good to me.
I am thankful for being alive, right now, in this very moment.
I am thankful for caring about myself.
I am thankful for myself.
Thank you, me.

No. 229169

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Nonas I think it’s time to try and get medicated for my anxiety. Which ones in your experience have the least severe side effects?

No. 229190

>I used to 'wipe' light switches with my finger after turning them on
Holy shit I did/do that too! I didn't realize that was an ocd thing.
I also have problems with compulsive skin picking on my face and scalp, and I used to compulsively pull out my hair too. Never considered the possibility that I might have ocd or something related to that.

No. 229192

People take for granted how serious having kids is. Our fate rests in the hands of our caregivers and they think we're just vegetables, but our formative years are so precious. I'm hoping that wasn't the cause of anything with your brain but just the fact your parents are assholes. I dunno what generation your parents are, boomers or gen x, but it seems like most of them missed the manual of how to be a parent. An injury to a child is serious and your child being upset about that isn't them being difficult. It's not a funny joke.
I hope you can get far away from your parents and heal from the damage caused by them. Please hang in there nonnie

No. 229233

Once I graduate college I'm going to leave them. I'll struggle through on shit wage jobs to survive in the city, I don't care anymore.

Mom's the gen x and dads the boomer, ironically the former is the bigger asshole. Far be it for me to be the disappointment when I once came from an Ivy dynasty or whatever to disappoint one side of my family. A vague memory I do retain is my idealism as a 7 year old wanting to be like fucking elle woods and go to harvard. I may hate and not remember child me well, but I wish I still had her naïveté. If I hear the family brag one more time about how my asshole sociopath sorority attending sister is the better sibling and undermine me like I'm the mentally disordered retard I might pop a vein. It may seem resentful but sometimes I really wish one of them would die so I could at least pretend I appreciated more than I do. As it stands I fucking hate them. I've even come from the disillusionment pedestal I put my dad on. I practically idolized him for taking my scrappy ass from my abusive moms house but I realize now what a differently shitty person he is too. The best he can do is throw money at me. It's sad.

I cannot wait no matter how hard it is and how afraid I am of my potential impending failure to leave them.

No. 229454

Does any other BPDfag feel massive shame with having the illness? I'm single rn but if I were dating someone I'd be so embarrassed of my BPD and wouldn't know when to tell them. Lots of guys think we're crazy or freaks in bed. I won't even admit that I have it to myself because I hate the stereotype so much. I'm a prude with a body count of 1 (in my 20s) and socially anxious beyond belief. I always keep harm to myself and I'm always thinking of how not to inconvenience others or how annoying I am.

I start DBT next week or so and I'm excited but the fact that this can't be cured really frustrates me because so many people will automatically cut me off if they learn I have it, or stereotype me and see me as crazy from there on out.

No. 229748

Holy shit I'm a bpdfag too and I also was put on meds at a young age. Literally wrote this 11 months ago >>172685 and I still feel like a fucking pawn to the pharmaceutical companies. Do you guys wonder how naturally mentally ill you are and how much was caused by the SSRIs?

No. 229993

I'm not sure if my horrible eating habits can be considered a full-blown eating disorder anymore but they're still making me miserable so who cares what the difference is. I wake up hungry because I go to bed hungry because I eat like twice a day because buying, making, and cleaning up after making food is a hassle and takes up so much time and that's all I have energy for anymore. I'm paranoid about dying in my sleep from malnutrition so when I'm lying awake with hunger pains and I feel myself drifting off I throw myself out of bed to force down a spoonful of peanut butter or something, which I hate doing because I hate peanut butter. I weigh more than I ever have and I'm still underweight for my height. I'm acutely aware of the dangers of undereating, having experienced some of them myself, and I don't really want to be bony anymore so I don't think it's anorexia. Instead, I am so preoccupied with eating healthy foods that the only thing I can consistently eat is disgusting protein slop oatmeal. I might just go out and buy a case of soylent or something because nothing even tastes good anymore so what's the difference.

No. 230004

>Does any other BPDfag feel massive shame with having the illness?
All the time anon. I had to talk about it once and did it roundabout way, told him what exactly my issues are and how I'm managing them but never used the BPD name, there's just too much stigma.

No. 230059

I suspect I'm a BPDfag and I've wondered this too. BPD haters claim that it needs to come from childhood sexual abuse and trauma, but it has to do with brain structure too, among other things. I reached a point where meds just made me more angry and caused psychosis. Every doc insisted I still keep at it despite it not being normal. I truly do wonder if I'd be having this reaction if I wasn't overmedicated as a child.

No. 230110

ayrt and yes I do wonder, mental disorder definitely runs in my family but would it be as bad if not for the medication?

my mom definitely has undiagnosed cluster b tendencies tho

No. 230197

How do I deal with my unhealthy romantic relationships? Last night I was messaging my ldr thinking about how happy I am with him and how much healthier I am compared to when we met and how glad I am to be with him, but he left me on delivered until this morning and now I’m sending spite messages and making up scenarios in my head that are just making me even angrier. How do I stop living like this?

No. 230200

>Instead, I am so preoccupied with eating healthy foods that the only thing I can consistently eat is disgusting protein slop oatmeal
Don't wanna diagnose you with anything, but if you're preoccupied with eating only healthy food and you get anxiety over eating things that are considered unhealthy, it might be a case of orthorexia.

No. 230209


No. 230212

It's definitely still anorexia.
You just switched from weight being your problem to food itself being the problem.
It's still the same mental illness with the same consequences that just found a different way to express itself.

No. 230215

Samefag, this is what they mean when they say anorexia is insidious. You think you've got a grip on it, but it finds a new way to manifest itself.

No. 230245

I couldnt find an ED thread so ill try here.
> general bad digestion as kid, acid reflux, carsick, nausea
> prefered to just puke to get the nausea over with
> just in general more casual view on puking than most
> develop bulimia for a few years, was pretty serious for about one year puking almost every day
> quit like 3-4 years ago, didnt need any medical help
> past year progressively get worse and worse gag reflex
> i try google but cant find anything on the topic

Anyone know if this can be a side effect from the bulimia, and if so, if there is any medical help to get? I dont like going to doctors unless they can actually offer treatment. Since the eating disorder isnt registered in my journals, and i would prefer to keep it that way if possible since im well now and dont want it to be an issue for my adhd medication. I also cant really remember when it started, if it has always been like this, the time frame is very blurry. I do remember always puking more than normal because of the acid reflux and all that. I visited dentist about a year ago and they didnt notice anything odd in my throath.

No. 230246

Do you still have acid reflux a lot? You might have a weak lower esophageal sphincter or some kind of defect. The dentist would not notice this and it can definitely be cause by bulimia. The only way to get this checked out is through a gastroscopy at a specialist that your GP can refer you to. You don't have to say that you were bulimic, although they might make that conclusion on their own.

No. 230259

I had a lot of family drama this year plus pandemic fatigue and lately I've been having really intense suicidal ideation and self-harm cravings for the first time in years. I haven't actually done anything and I know I won't but I'm constantly getting stuck in these thought loops where it's all I can think about and I ruminate on it over and over obsessively until I'm crying and panicking. I hate it. It's exhausting and I can't focus on anything.

No. 230303

I'm struggling with PTSD. I grew up in a narcissist's home where I was neglected and had to witness violent schizo rage on a near daily basis, and was only recently (last 2 years) able to get out of there. It's like there's two sides of me fighting, one is the logical part knowing that what I went through wasn't normal, that I'm safe where I am now, with wonderful people who care about my well-being, I'm working towards unlearning bad habits and improving myself. The other is constantly tied up in my trauma, obsessed with everything that happened over the course of many years and reminding me whenever it can, that it all happened and it's all my fault. Im very easily triggered by small things like people raising their voice or even playfully threatening me, certain topics I avoid because it wil cause me to have flashbacks. I'm neurotic as fuck and paranoid of everyone around me. I've had panic attacks and flashbacks at work which are embarrassing and exhausting and I'm constantly afraid that it will happen again. I'm a control freak, every little problem or slight at me throws me into uncontrollable panic that I just don't know how to cope with, and I'm always disgusted by my behavior afterwards because of how crazy i look to those who are closest to me. I'm trying so hard to not let it control me and live life as normally as I can manage, I'm seeing a therapist weekly and trying to break out of these habits that wreck my daily life but I barely have a concept of what normalcy even is and have no idea what I'm doing. I just want to be normal.

No. 230333

I know how you feel nona. I am still stuck with my abusive family at the moment and trying to get out. It is frustrating and every single day sucks the life out of me whether they're there or not. I hope to one day be like you, move out and move on from it, but what you talk about is precisely my fear. Even now, I have days where I fly off the handle and just can't deal with my emotions crashing down on me. You are very strong for having gone through all that and survived it, and stronger for moving out and dealing with the aftermath.

No. 230340

I'm so sorry anon, and I can relate. The thoughts are exhausting, and sometimes they come out of nowhere, which causes so much, I don't know, guilt? That I can't stop?
Looking for helpful resources I ran into this super long list of alternatives on what to do when you want to hurt yourself, some of these worked for me when the tension was hard to deal with, so maybe you can find something too https://projectlets.org/alternatives-to-selfharm

No. 230467

Any older anons here know how to deal with relapsing depression? I've been depressed since I was 11, which is a good 20 years ago. For about the past 5 years I was sort of doing better but right now I'm going through a relapse and it just feels horrible. Like, why did I even bother trying these past 20 years?

No. 248355

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I fucking had a huge panic attack/mania episode last night and I was yelling and screaming in the bathroom and even dropped and smashed a glass candle out the window. My bf and I live in a complex with other people and I heard some neighbours yelling at 'him to stop' and 'leave me alone'. When it was just me having a mania episode and he was actually trying calm me down, they must have just heard my tone but not heard what I was saying.
I am so fucking embarrassed about who I am as a person, I'm afraid to leave the house now as neighbours always walk around, and the neighbour directly next to me is actually a really cool guy and now he's probably seen and heard the shitty side of me and also assumed it was something to do with my bf when it was all me. God I hate these moments in my life so bad and end up feeling so much MORE anxiety and guilt for so long after.
Nonnies this shit sucks. Really sucks.

No. 248359

hi nona I had an episode last night that was similar except I had no one to calm me down, was screaming at nothing, got drunk of my ass while blasting music. it ended in me relapsing. although the next door neighbors are fairly separate I'm still afraid someone hears me when I have my loneliness related breakdowns. it really sucks because I want to fucking die more than anything after acting like that and am afraid once I live in an apartment that everyone will hear me and not be able to have any kind of private episodes anymore. it really is humiliating and once the wave of emotion comes tumbling down on me, I can't suppress it. Sometimes I just wish after binge drinking and downing a ton of painkillers that I just wouldn't wake up, and I feel guilt even when I do this alone

No. 248360

Oh I want to give you a big hug. I have struggled with this in the past and one time was so bad the police actually showed up because people could hear me and assumed it was my boyfriend causing it. They even put cuffs on him. It was a big turning point in trying every resource to get my stupid brain under control.

No. 248367

I was drunk too and my problems flare up so much when I drink, I've gotten better at maintaining it when i'm sober but not when I drink. And it was such a nice night too, it was womens day and my boyfriend took us out to my favourite bar and made us dinner which I rudely refused at first when we got home and my whole episode just began for like an hour (it actually started out in the street which is also so fucking embarrassing I was just flailing around and he tried to hug me to stop then I just started running home like an insane person). I hate this shitty part of my brain, I hate how I affect my bf and involve him in this shit too.
Yeah living in apartments sucks if you know you have episodes, its hard to be friends with neighbours without them giving weird looks at you.
I'm sorry you also go through this anon, at least you now know you're not the only one haha

I'm sorry that happened anon, I fear this day for myself and my bf so much. He's such a nice guy with a nice job and if he gets something put on his record because of my insanity I would never forgive myself.
I once had such a bad episode that I even had neighbours asking me the next day if i'm in a 'safe situation around your partner'. God I felt like dying on the spot and couldn't bear to say it was my fault so I ended up just saying someone in our family died and we were both upset.
Its could to hear you had a turning point though! I've had so many 'turning points' but I always end up relapsing mentally when things start to go well for me.

I'm with you anons… I feel you.

No. 248369

*Its good to hear

No. 248778

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A little scared and mostly tired. Does anyone have experience with delusional parasitosis? I'm not quite sure if that's what I've been experiencing as I am very sure that there are no bugs in my body, yet I am still afraid! I think it started a few months ago when I couldn't stop thinking if there were spiders or bugs crawling up my nose so I would just pinch my nostrils closed and focus on the reality that there were no spiders in my nose (i.e. I can never actually feel them = They are not real). This calmed me down before, however, I had an incident last night after smoke a bit of weed. I woke up from sleep and wanted to go back to sleep fast so I smoke a bit. Then I started having the uncomfortable idea that the bugs/spiders have traveled to my lungs, which made me breathe shallow and instigated more panic. I've had this thought before but this was the first time I couldn't calm myself down until I woke my bf up and had him verbally reassure that I was safe. I'm wondering if my dopamine receptors are all screwy from the weed (I just took a week t-break), but I've had obsessive thoughts like this before. I know I haven't lost it because I know what is real, but I also have a vivid imagination so maybe it's just from stress. I'm starting a new job soon and I had an emotional day yesterday, so that would make sense. I know I need to be more proactive on my stress management but I've had terrible sleep the past few weeks and weed just seems to make me nervous now instead of at ease.

No. 248788

Weed heightens feelings of paranoia, and fearful sensations (like feeling there are bugs on your body) and just uneasy feelings in general are heightened during the night. Remember we are diurnal animals and instinctively feel most vulnerable at night especially when nodding off to sleep. Try liquid melatonin if you're just trying to get back to sleep, save the weed for wakeful relaxation and recreation. Liquid form of melatonin is faster acting than pills and gummies and will help you fall back asleep without the side effect of feeling paranoid.

No. 248819

UK anons, were any of you asked to fill out the PDQ-4 at an outpatient referral to a community mental health team? did it speed up the diagnosis process at all? this is my 5th referral to cmht but the first time they've asked me to fill out the PDQ-4

No. 250443

I thought I was over it but as soon as I stopped doing drugs my self harm urges came back full force. It's all I think about. Now I'm back to doing both. I feel like a lost cause, like I'll never be a normal person. I feel crazy when I get the urge, it should go against my stupid lizard brain and yet I crave it so much. I'm thinking about getting my affairs in order and ending it.

No. 250446

has anyone here ever struggled with pocd. it's literally the worst fucking thing in the world. I've gotten a lot better and I don't obsess and check myself all day but it has fucking changed me and I don't think I'll ever be who I was again. I had dreams of being a mom or teacher before it but now I'm to scared to even go to the grocery store because I don't want to see a child. the obsession with pedophilia has also blended into other aspects of my life. I seriously questioning my religon now because I can't fathom why god would create pedos. I also obsess over what causes pedophilia and worry that what if one of my nephews became one? I get so scared because I don't know how my family would react.

unrelated to that, what actual qualifies as paranoia? because sometimes I get so scared that someone is watching me, but it's more of the idea "what IF someone is watching me" vs being certain of it. I think this could be another of my ocd themes, but I worry because I've worried about this for as long as I've remembered. I don't actually feel certain that someone is watching me unless I'm half asleep, never fully conscious.

No. 250533

nvm last night I was convinced a serial killer/stalker was watching me. I calmed down though when I saw that my mom was still awake.

No. 250541

I don't want to self diagnose but I'm super paranoid as a result of my other disorders sometimes. eerie things have been happening when I'm alone so everything plays into my paranoid praxis. I've also said some things online that at one point a few months ago brought me to believe I could face endangerment. And it's irrational even by my standards I know it probably isn't happening and would not happen, and everything weird is a coincidence, but it makes my blood run cold. To the day those thoughts linger, the stranger the instances are that happen to me. Being alone now scares me, having had hallucinations and irrational thoughts of the thing I believed would hurt me, I don't want it coming back. Worse yet, what if the demon I envisioned is real, really stalking me, and my paranoia is founded? What if it's a sign something is going to harm me. I found myself sniveling and crying on the couch yesterday, wondering how I could be like this.

No. 250553

File: 1647621984811.jpg (65.21 KB, 697x473, 894358975jc984375893j7.jpg)

How do I prevent getting (more) depressed? At the moment things haven't really hit me yet.

No. 250563

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Looking back on my life I've always been severely underweight, but nobody cared. Every time it came up in conversation with doctors, my family would just pull the "her mother's like that too and was always skinny" which is true, but now that I look back on it, my mother probably had disordered eating her whole life from whatever rough childhood she had. Now I have the same thing. I've always been so thin, the thinnest in school. I used to feel fine about it because I was told it was normal. Now that I am older I feel weak and tired. I have a weird, complicated relationship with food. I don't hate eating, I just seem to have to prepare myself to be in the mood to prepare food or eat it. I don't like eating around certain people. I'm territorial over my food. Thinking about how my dad tries to steal food off of my plate or ask me if I am finished eating just because I leaned back in my chair to breathe and drink water makes me feel intensely rageful. I go through times though where I just don't have an appetite and don't feel like eating anything. I also go through times where I eat a lot. I've never been 100 pounds. I'm around 5'7'' and I lost weight again and I'm around 88-89 pounds. How the fuck? I weighed myself the other day and was so surprised and disappointed, as I thought I was eating well and eating consistently. No wonder my pants feel bigger around my waist. It makes me feel sad to know that there were so many signs in my childhood of my not being normal, such as my weight or my behavior. It makes me think I am autistic or have ADHD. My family even apparently thought I was autistic when I was young and just never did anything about it. Nobody did anything about my weight either, even when I was young I was distressed about it because of school. I'm talking elementary school. I was just told by my sister, who I now know struggles with feeling fat and binge-eating, that my peers will be jealous of me as I got older.
Now I see all of these warning signs lining up, far too late to do anything. I also am diagnosed with depression but I still feel like there's something more. Gaining weight would definitely help! If only I knew how. I try and try, but it seems like my body stops gaining weight at 95 pounds. I still get my period, I've never not had a period once I started. Is this just the natural state of my being? Being so thin and weak? My other sister was once very thin as well but has since gained weight and I am pretty sure her thinness came from her own depression in high school. I don't recall pictures of my sisters when they were young ever looking as thin as I did all my life. I just want to hit triple digits for fuck's sake. I have so many problems with me and I feel like I can't be successful in life but finally it clicked that there's one component broken with me and that's the state of my physical body.

No. 250574

considering trepanning for my stupid mood disorder and OCD thoughts. hmu

No. 250619

can’t stop being bedridden and agoraphobic… yay

No. 250620

some people are naturally skinny nona. my mom was like 105 lbs at 5'9" when she was in her 20s, and she ate a lot. rn she's about 150 and she still eats a lot even in her 50s. when she got severely sick when I was in my teens she went down to being about 100-110 again, you might just be naturally small and the disordered eating on top of that makes you even smaller.

No. 250863

maybe you have hyperthyroidism

No. 250864

There's not really such a thing as being "naturally skinny", as there's no such thing as being "naturally fat". You either like eating a bit too much or possibly not enough, CICO. Stop spreading dumbassery.

No. 251263

I can't stop having paranoia attacks and thinking people are plotting against me or that I'm going to be punished for really minor things, or that someone has cursed me and made the unlucky circumstances in my life happen. I'm not schizophrenic I don't think but I'll just get wrapped up into these scenarios I invent in my mind and work myself up over them. Having a history of fake friends who kept me around for laughs and being on lolcow certainly doesn't help my paranoia either. I feel so crazy

No. 254896

How do you guys react when someone close to you points out your mentally ill behavior that’s more extreme, like outbursts?

No. 255065

Hi nona, I have similar thoughts, and am diagnosed with delusional disorder, which means that I'm probably 98% completely functional whilst also having paranoid delusions of being punished for knowing that the world is a simulation and for being the only self aware person. While I didn't have a super positive experience with therapy, getting on medication for a few months(i stopped without telling them, haha.) and getting diagnosed helped me cope with the thoughts. I'm not sure how it is in your country so I think you're the expert on whether or not you should consult a Doctor, but I was an outpatient in a young people psychosis program and actually was let go a few months ago, I was never hospitalised either. Of course i'm not saying you have delusional disorder, but I thought my experience might help.

No. 255145

I have real friends but I still have these feelings. Few of them know how intricate the fear is or understand it. I think it stems from me developing celebrity obsessions and then assuming that these celebs or their teams stalk social media about themselves. I've gone out on limbs to target specific celebrity men for their misdeeds and that's prompted nightmares where they have raped, murdered or kidnapped me. It would be ridiculously easy for them to pose my death as a suicide if they chose to kill me with my mental health history, nobody would care if I disappeared, the worst part is if they knew who I was they'd be able to do it. coincidences have been occurring in my life to encourage my paranoia, so nothing is helping. Nothing is helping. I want to rip my hair out

No. 255147

You’ve been sexually abused in your past?

No. 255153

I never experienced CSA if that's what you're insinuating, but I was coerced, pressured, and outright forced into sex acts by my exes. The one I loved the most, the least abusive, still used me and left me with the repercussions of his trauma, so yeah. Wherever it comes from I feel like I'm somehow avenging the abuse women have talked about experiencing from famous men by exposing them, but that deepens my paranoia. Giving myself the false illusion of vigilantism didn't give me closure, there's no closure until those men are outed, jailed, or dead. It will never happen. They're still powerful enough and have enough money that they can bury anyone. The question is, and I know it, why would they care about me? That's the tactic I want to use to provide reassurance they won't hurt me, and it's not fucking working

No. 255154

Hi Nonnie, I have paranoid personality disorder which makes me have delusions and feel anxious about everyone like how you're describing. I was diagnosed first with bipolar type 2 and later on combroid PPD. It can be very scary and intimidating. I've done therapy and that helps, plus reminders. Although I'm still paranoid lol
I try to self reflect on what caused the outburst or how the other person would stress in that situation. If my behavior is bizarre and it is, then I take space until I can apologize, fix the problem or move on. If I think they're wrong and triggered me on purpose then I tell them off and get mad and separate myself

No. 255155

>The question is, and I know it, why would they care about me?
I understand as well

No. 255168

The problem is with some, before I found out the vile things they did, if I liked them? I used to be a fan. I was not by far their biggest or most delusional fan, but I made myself known enough that my presence could be detected, and now I face backlash. Thus far it's been subdued, but I'm not seeing any kind of effect or concern and it scares me almost as much as uproar. how silent it is. Do people not care? Can someone just bury it already? As a woman it scares me. it ruined my fucking life. It's ruinous to my fucking life right now. I let the famous ones ruin me without touching me, what a weak thing to say.

I nursed and cared for my falsehoods through everything terrible insisting I could separate artist and art. The atrocity too closely related to my pain. My idol child died of a long terminal illness. I wanted to make something beautiful of it. I'm staring at the corpse of what my life has become at the hands of this madness, and that corpse has been leeching off my entire body and mind. Wrong to assume positive outcomes would grace the unlucky and abused girl with wound bitten arms. At this rate? Let the ground reclaim me, before the consequences of me lashing out at the rich and powerful do. Fuck you disgusting, broken old men who abuse and target women like me, I hope you choke snorting your own coke.

I'm bipolar type ii and bpd so I wonder if that's the case with me as well. I never had paranoia quite like this, it just got worse the past year.

No. 255173

Has anyone else done cognitive behavioral therapy before? What was ur experience?

No. 255250

I wanted to chime in with my experiences with paranoia. I don't know why, but it really fluctuates with my mood. A few years ago, I was convinced that my dad had raped me in my sleep, so I'd stay up as late as possible to catch him entering my room. I didn't feel comfortable around him at all, and I'd try to avoid physical contact as much as possible. Somehow,those paranoid thoughts just disappeared over time. I go through cycles of being delusional and mistrustful, back to normal, then mistrustful etc.

No. 255255

I'm hoping that will happen, right now it's consuming me. I can't tell if this is a drawn out manic episode or what, but I'm tired.

I need to stop deluding doom. He's not going to hurt or kill me. He doesn't know who I am. He cannot hurt me. The coincidences are unrelated to him. The moment I stop thinking it, something creepy is going to happen again. I figure, it always does. Please god, torment isn't character development. This is gonna give me an aneurism.

No. 255266

I don’t have words of comfort but i know how isolating paranoia can be. I find humour to be the best and only medicine. You have to laugh at how much of a mess your life is. Sorry if that sounds rude, I really wish I could hug the worry out of you ♥

No. 255305

I'm in it right now for anxiety and depression, I've found it helpful, but you really get what you put into it. You learn a bunch of techniques to handle maladaptive thought patterns, but the work is in learning to recognize those thought patterns and applying the techniques when you're distressed or anxious. It's helped me with my social anxiety and intrusive thoughts, though I've been struggling a lot with my self-image issues, lack of motivation, etc. I made very rapid progress in the beginning but lately I've been plateauing a bit. Just my experience, but I think it's worth a try.

What issues have you been dealing with nonny?

No. 256023

I'm going to an art museum downtown tomorrow. I have to go to one for a project. I'm scared, but I'll go alone. Otherwise I'll be swallowing another gun, and I don't know how much more hypothetical damage I can take.

No. 256044

File: 1649785468390.jpg (29.51 KB, 568x568, IMG_20191008_100451.jpg)

I know this is horribly pathetic of me, but my bf is going to break up with me soon due to us going to college in different parts of the state and it feels like my world is ending. I always get so unhealthily obsessed with people I like romantically and now it's biting me in the ass. I have terrible anxiety and lately cant stop thinking about him leaving me and it freaks me out so bad i spend full days being surrounded by overwhelming doom and pain in my chest. I feel like I cant survive being on my own because of how horrible my anxiety is and how i self sabotage in every situation and just thinking about it all is tearing me apart, i get so worried about everything that i feel like i cant even trust my own feelings and instincts in any situation and have no ability to cope with anything bad that happens. it seems to me that my only option is to just die and every single mistake i make just makes this feeling stronger but im too weak to do it. I know my problems aren't very bad but I still feel horrible and don't know what to do.

No. 256050

Right now your main prerogative is just to stay alive through this stressful, suicidal period and nothing else. That means sleeping and eating with some regularity, being patient with yourself, and taking other small steps forward where you can. Start by giving yourself a small goal every day. Simple things, stuff you can do in 30 seconds
>drink a glass of water
>stretch your arms
>if you have piles of clean laundry, fold one (1) shirt
>open the window/look outside/be outside for 30 seconds
>write a diary entry at least 1 sentence long
And if you can do even one of these things, one time, consider the day a success. When I had episodes like yours, all I could do was listen to podcasts and play Style Savvy and even if that's pathetic, I don't regret it at all. It got me through to live another day.
If you have friends outside of your bf or family or even just acquaintances, try to talk to them at least once a day. You need a support system to get through this. (You're right to feel like your world is falling apart if your one source of comfort is leaving you. Human beings need to be around others and feel loved. You likely won't be able to get this from your soon-to-be ex bf, so you need to find it elsewhere.) If you don't have anyone in your life, at least you can approximate socialising here on LC.
I'm sorry that you're having a breakdown of this calibre. Please be nice to yourself and stop saying mean things in your head. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

No. 256151

I'm tired of feeling nothing and that my life has no pleasure in it. I'm tired I feel like I live for other people and my death would make them sad. I kinda wish I killed myself when I was more into doing so. I hate I'm afraid this could easily end in me being disabled instead of dead which is worse(depending on the disability).
I texted my therapist that I simply WANT TO DIE and two other friends that I feel very unwell and that my brain is shitty and it's all my fault. I HATE HAVING BPD I HATE BEING NEUROTIC AND I HATE I HAVE TO HIDE MY SHITTY FEELINGS SO OTHERS WONT BE WORRIED AND TIRED OF ME. I'm even tired of myself. How the fuck am I living for myself for so long? Esp the past 10 years.
Sometimes I just feel ok instead of SHIT and I think I can manage doing something productive and meaningful even though it mostly feels like nothing but then PMS hits and I feel extra shitty and Im back to square zero. I don't feel like life is worth living but I'm too aware of the sadness my passing would cause. I don't want to inconvenience anyone in anyway or be called attention whore(bpd-chan as lolcow says it) but it's too much. I'm tired of pretending I'll be ok someday. I'm tired that this thing comes and goes but when it comes it's really bad. I hate that I keep doing things that feel like nothing to me just because they aren't terrible and I NEED to find actual work somewhere eventually. But none of this actually matters to me. I wish I simply did nothing. I wish I didn't have emotional attachments to anyone so doing something reckless would be easier.
I hate that I have to go outside soon and do some everyday things and not fucking crying like I do now. I hate that I will temporarily feel ok but then this soul-crushing void will return like it always does.
I just wanna be normal enough not to be a burden to others with my shitty mood swings. I don't want to subject people to this. I already feel they get tired of me when I lash out every once in a while let alone if I was like this more oftenly. I can't feel the full spectrum of emotions just the negative ones most of the time.
Why can't I function like a ~neurotypical~ human? Just at the minimum degree it's possible. I can deal with being suicidal but not with feeling empty and purposeless 80% of the time. I feel like I'm asking for too much.

No. 256172

I feel like I could've written all this anon. The pain of this is so heavy. These moments of stability in their own way are causing even more hurt because it's like that glimpse to how things could have been if not for mental illness; how much happiness you could have, how much you could achieve. It's crazy to think that most of the people have that all the time. Having depressive episodes come again and again and completely ruin anything good that was there just feels increasingly hopeless, like nothing can be done. Are you medicated? What solution your therapist proposes?

No. 256218

Couldn't find the paranoia thread.

I read somewhere that untreated Bipolar gets worse as you age and I'm afraid because I thought, more or less, I could do this. I'm not sure if this is another "rough bump" or if paranoia is getting to worrying levels. I use to be able to laugh it off ("of course your boss isn't following you home.", "no, no one is filming you")but now I am noticing it infecting my friendships and day to day life enough to where i have to pause and convince myself otherwise. I constantly think every costumer is sent in by my boss to "test me" and send messages based on what they buy (I can still laugh this one off because it's trivial),. A friend I've been getting along with has brought up certain interests at seemingly "the right time" and occasionally I think he must have bugged my phone to see my searches and texts. I see patterns in lot of things where I probably shouldn't. I'm not full blown "the street signs are telling me to do x" but I'm sure as fuck having some thoughts.

This has been going on for at least 4 years now, but it has been so… "easy" to giggle at and wave away until last night when my friend brought up an interest and phrase that felt personal and I completely shut down. Muted his messages and then spiraled into how he must be able to read my thoughts and he's going to use them against me to seriously hurt me. This isn't okay to think but my body still feels panicky afraid like somehow he's still "in there" in my head.

No. 256220

First of all, thank you for the reply anon. It's good not to feel like I'm the only person who feels like this even though I know it isn't just me.

>Are you medicated? What solution your therapist proposes?

I don't aside from a pill for a physical issue, but after this short episode, my therapist called me and told me that there has been an obvious pattern with my bad mood and PMS the past 6 months which I also noticed tbh. She told me that maybe I could be take some sort of anti-depressant for that time of the month so that my mood swings won't be that bad and directed me to a psychiatrist who will evaluate me and write me a prescription. I booked an appointment for Friday and I'll see how that goes.
It's not like I have felt worse than before, it's just that since I experience more "okay" states now than in the past, the PMS switch is more apparent than it used to be ig.

No. 256223

This was all over him using the phrase "C'est la vie". So I KNOW my crazy ass is having an issue with paranoia. Somehow that translated into "he bugged your phone, you're being tracked, and he knows your thoughts and will hurt you so immediately block all contact and never interact with this person again. "

The more I think about it the more I want to cry because that's what happened to the last couple of friends I got along with well. Something inside told me I was being tricked or attacked and I needed to get away immediately. Since I got out of my teens I've learned to cut off contact instead of engaging with my fears (aka being a terror to everyone around) but this… is lonely. And scary. Does it get worse? I don't want to be "street sign tells me to do x" paranoid.

No. 256225

Not a bipolar. Related and loved a lot of them. Type one and two. It can. I know some people who can self medicate and stay mellow and they are doing fine and others that got close to 30-40 and started suffering severe deregulation and hyper cycling. The chemical imbalance in your head that causes the mood disorder changes can progress untreated causing the elevation. It can vary do to life style, diet, and genetics. Like blueberries are good and staying active and b12 but lsd can cause a permanent mood shift in bipolars and lock them into episodes.
Do you want tips on paranoia or talking about treatments? I’ll share what I know.

No. 256226

Yes pls. Thank you very much.

No. 256233

I have PTSD and suffer paranoia of a different source, so some of my tips are from my own exp. Our brains build patterns and routines. The things we do over and over again rewire our neurons. It’s the same with paranoia. Our brain is triggering our flight or fight and looking for a reason for the rush. But there’s nothing. I used to get obsessed on repeat with checking the doors are locked. Like on an hour repeat was convinced it wasn’t. And the more I did it. The more it became a routine and escalated. Because I told my brain it was right. I should check the door over and over and over again. You have to not cave to the impulses when you can to change patterns that might be triggering. For me it meant calling a friend and having them listen to the door was locked. Then I just started taking a video. Then just double checking. Till now I’ll double check but if I get that feeling where I feel my brain shifting. I know if it’s not me. I checked the door and I won’t check it again. Because if I do. I’m feeding the loop and can trigger the actual paranoia I can’t escape till my brain lets it go.
Bipolars are very sensitive to environment and there’s evidence to suggest that being around severe Bipolars can induce similar chemical and behavioral patterns in others over time. So I would also analyze your relationships and support system. You’re more sensitive than someone without a mood disorder if you have bipolar. That doesn’t make you too much or over sensitive. It’s just different wiring and coping. So your environment can shift those patterns that trigger episodes.
Try to avoid stress and make sure you’re eating enough, drinking water and trying to stay a little active. If you take a med at some point don’t take it with grapefruit. B12 and Vitamin D won’t fix it but chemical imbalances and things that mess up your hormones are going to make it harder to stay in the middle.
If you smoke at all. Try to avoid doing it at night. It can increase paranoia on top of night already doing so from our natural instinct response.

No. 256250

ntayrt but one of the other paranoia anons (celebrity paranoia anon) I've had to have been off meds due to insurance, usually stress smoke at night, and my paranoia hits the hardest in the evening. A lot of this describes me as a bipolarite. I have admittedly taken down my exercise levels due to stress and often lie around in dissociative stupors doing nothing all day, my sleep schedule is horribly mangled. i wish I could be on lamictal again knowing it helps with my regulatory clock, and I can't until I graduate and get a real job. Six more months of trying not to kms. when it comes to support systems I can trust my friends and therapist only, not my family who i inherently mistrust, but my mother accidentally spotted my self harm scars as of recent. it hurts not to have a foundation of love and to hate yourself so deeply that it ends up locking you inside delusion.

If I could go back to art or writing again, and I've been trying to, I would. but how? Every time I start something I end up stopping it, the neurological overload is just too much. I feel like a strung out drug addict having been forced onto meds from a young age, and when I finally find one thing that works for me in adulthood, I can no longer have it when I'm at my mental lowest. This is why I want to die

No. 256264

Can you smoke a little earlier in your routine on days you need? Something like bath and a smoke or watching something and a smoke before it’s completely dark. Sometimes setting the environment and mental space to be a good place can help counteract the paranoia. Or maybe switch to a topical thc? They aren’t as brain heavy and are more body relaxing. There’s things like vervain root that’s a natural sedative. You can buy capsules at most pharmacy’s. I found it okay to take the edge off my anxiety if I took a little more than most people before high stress situations when I didn’t have insurance.
There’s a lot of push for all or nothing or just get better, but things aren’t that simple. The important thing I’ve found is to know anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. Can’t do a full workout? try going on a short walk. Can’t go a walk sit out on the porch for 10 minutes. Can’t eat a full meal and cook? Eat a granola bar if it’s what you have. Little shifts over time to help correct back into a routine. Sleep is very important and it’s something almost every bipolar I know struggles with. Staying active can help, keeping stress low, enough magnesium and potassium, making sure you’re full before bed, getting up during the day and making sure to get the 10 minutes of sun.
Disassociation makes everything much harder and it’s like a painful comfort at times. Can you start small and set alarms to do something like drink water or stretch? Interrupting your routine and getting you do something else. It can be small but things to start helping bring your focus back to you and your body?
Family’s aren’t fair and you deserved a lot better and I’m going to say it. There’s a lot of people that even if they mean well cause a lot of harm and pain and then there’s those that cause it on purpose. None of that is fair to you or the people who take the force of it.
With having friends and a therapist. How much can you tell your therapist and how comfortable do you feel? If things get very bad do you have a friend who can be your anchor person? Someone who you can explain what happens and what you need to help keep you grounded in reality when the paranoia thoughts get too much to keep track off? Are you actively self harming?
For writing and art I had a similar problem for other reasons a very long time ago the way I worked through it was by changing my art process. Before I did the way I was taught and to express the picture in my head. After everything I couldn’t my brain was so full of static it was empty and buzzing or it was overwhelming and panic inducing. So I switched to art therapy. I started to force myself not judge or have an opinion on what I was creating till I was done. I wrote out every terrible thought I had and destroyed it with aligning paint and bloody hand prints while crying and listening to music. I did big abstract rainbows with colors I liked. Anything that helped me express my feelings and the noise from a distance without thinking. I just focused on feeling emotionally and physically. Writing is harder. Can you start with journaling one sentence a day? Just one? Maybe set an alarm or make it part of your night routine. Sit to smoke and write a sentence. It can even be just I don’t have anything to say. Something just to do it.
The world and the healthcare system is fucked up and you deserved better care, but it’s also important to not fixate on it if you can help it. The shitty part of most people is they don’t care they hurt you. Not everyone but some of them. People are limited to their perspectives. You weren’t cared for as a child the way you should have been, but now that child has grown up and it’s you. You’re the one that has to take care of you and that’s very very hard but you’re doing nonni and you’re still here.

No. 256274

when I smoke I smoke cigs and not weed, should have clarified! i don't do it very often either, mostly when I'm under stress

>how much can you tell your therapist and how comfortable do you feel?

somewhat, I won't tell her about everything but maybe 50-75% of my most intrusive thoughts, especially the celebrity thing. my truer thoughts leeched out in a recent session a lot more and I started crying over the pain it's caused me. I've known her since highschool and am now in my mid 20s so I don't know why I'm restrictive. probably because as long as I'm stuck living with my parents, I don't trust that the truth won't come out to them that I'm most ashamed of

>if things get very bad do you have a friend who can be your anchor person?

the one who I trust the most with dark mentality works a very arduous demanding job, but he tries to answer me when he can. we are both bipolar so we understand one another

>am I an active self harmer

the kind of episodes I deal with happen randomly, intermittently and they leave lasting physical damage. my arms and legs are pretty hideous and have been since late 2020 when I had my first major post pandemic relapse

>Little shifts over time to help correct back into a routine.

this is something I'd like to work on

>sleep is very important and it’s something almost every bipolar I know struggles with

glad to know this is also a common problem

>I did the way I was taught and to express the picture in my head. After everything I couldn’t my brain was so full of static it was empty and buzzing or it was overwhelming and panic inducing.

this is my problem, I envision my art project as something far more refined than they end up being and my fear of inferiority and failure consumes me

>I started to force myself not judge or have an opinion on what I was creating till I was done.

i want to adapt this mindset as well

>one sentence a day idea

i have been trying to do something like this and I can write paragraphs and paragraphs of useless internet drivel when I struggle putting pen to paper. hard to explain why.

>you’re doing nonni and you’re still here.

that entire last paragraph was marvelous. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard just to function and I'm shocked I'm still alive. the other night I felt like I was going to drop for good. I know it's not the problem for people around me to notice but it hurts that they dont. or if they do they only have criticisms

after years of abuse from my mother the thing she expressed the other day was curiosity and bafflement with my scars rather than prejudice, but I figured out that I can't force her to exit her own headspace. she's never going to be able to inhabit mine and wade through the mud herself to understand, she's incapable. I'm just shocked that she didn't demean or berate me. it sucks ass I'll be trying to leave in six months seeing my family pretend like they care. it's like the entirety of the time I've been an adult they don't care if I live or die, despite still being around them, but then they care when I'm finally reaching my closure on uni. and I can't tell if it's actual empty nest concern or they just want me around so they can continue to suck the life out of me. that hurts to think about. Either way I should probably crack open this paint set I have and do something, no matter how hard it is, jot down some ideas. Thank you for your tips and wisdom. Hoping some of it will help. The worst part about being mentally fucked this way is your difficulty in withholding judgment from your own self. It's about time I finally bested my demons in this competition

No. 256285

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>Can't stop sacrificing myself for others like some wannabe martyrdom complex and then wondering why I'm not happy
>constantly the feeling of lighting myself on fire to keep others warm or just silently drowning and keeping up appearances that it's all fine.

I just wanna shake myself sometimes and get some sense, it feels like I have these periods where I'm just a grey headspace and then a few days I'm lucid maybe a week that I can use to catch up on tidying and chores.

No. 256287

Ah with cigs the nicotine is still a stimulate so keep in mind if you feel buzzed, jazzed, or more anxious afterwards that’s it. The mental break, routine, and breathing pattern are probably what are helping you and why it would be hard to stop or is if you’re trying to. I only smoked under high stress a few years ago to. If you want to keep smoking and are okay cutting out the nicotine some herb shops near you might sell herbal cigs with things like cedar in them. They are a little better for your lungs long term and don’t provide the buzz after wards the cig can. I used to smoke menthols so I like putting a drop of peppermint oil on the filter or smoking dried mint in rolling papers when I’m very stressed. You could even do calming herbs instead like lavender and chamomile if the test doesn’t bother you.
If you’d like my thoughts on self harm, I can share them. I don’t want to potentially trigger you and I want to make sure you are in an okay place to discuss it.
Finding out why or being able to name things like struggling with sleep and knowing why helped me. In may head if I can find out it’s a problem people similar to me are suffering then it’s not me. It’s the thing I’m working against. Instead of blaming yourself and saying man I fucked up my sleep schedule so bad and this shit is too hard. It’s going I have mood disorder that effects my brain chemistry. That brain chemistry is responsible for sleep so of course I can’t sleep. I want to so lets take steps to get there. It’s using facts to change the thought patterns slowly over time instead of arguing strictly emotional. That never worked for me.
It takes time to change the art mindset, but every time you feel yourself starting to like or dislike something pull your brain back. Think of it like meditation. In mediation they call it monkey mind. Your mind isn’t used to being quiet so you have to remind it like a monkey that wants to jump around to behave sometimes and go quiet so you can get peace or close to it for a little bit.
Typing and writing physically use different neurons, if you grew up mostly typing and not writing then you’re not used to writing. It’s a new skill from an emotional point of view. Writing can be keeping a journal where you type a sentence to yourself if it’s easier? When things get hard even now if I feel stuck trying to write it out and brain dump on paper I have an easier time on the keyboard, typing to myself. I also personally find I can get the thoughts out faster and stay with them on keyboard. The waiting and slowing down to write means when I’m very upset my thoughts might move to fast and then I get lost and can’t write them down. Maybe it’s something similar for you?
You are here and you are doing it. That’s you, you’re holding in there and you’re working slowly forward. That’s a very hard thing most people give up on, but you’re doing it and you should feel proud of yourself for surviving your shadow.
Feelings aren’t rational, they are based in logic. They’re feelings and you feel them. Humans are social creatures we want to be seen and validated. When we are babies we need everything form our parents. We can’t feed our selves or keep our selves safe. If you don’t already know this there is nothing wrong with what you feel. It’s natural to crave human connection and validation. You are valid though just as you. They can’t validate your person hood or your feelings. Both of things are already true and they are yours. People struggle with things outside of their comfort zones, which can feel very alienating, but it doesn’t make you unworthy of acceptance or help, and some people get scared which can present as anger. But its worry they can’t express properly.
A lot of people don’t realize the hurt they cause others, because they didn’t intend harm or didn’t realize they were causing it. I look at it this way most people and probably your mother had bad things happen to them and she got hurt and upset and no one soothed or validated her. So she’s still upset, except all of the times she’s been upset are now blended together and there’s too much so she can never understand her feelings or be self aware. She didn’t grow up and mature. Something is not okay with her but that is not your fault and you didn’t cause it. She was your mother and she should have loved you and cared for you. My own had a similar reaction when it came up and it surprised me then too.
It’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to be sad or angry and grieve. You lost out on things that you should have had that’s not fair. So grieve it, feel it. It’s like a big bubble sitting on you, It’s hard while still being with them because it’s in your face and you’re constantly reminded. It’s hard to heal and hold yourself when you’re so close to the people you wanted comfort from instead. As you move out and get farther away the bubble will get lighter as you work on it till it finally pops. It sounds like you are reaching acceptance with them to some degree which is very very painful, but it means you’re growing in ways they never did.
We are own biggest critics and the one in our head knows exactly what to say and where to hit, but remember that little kid. You wouldn’t say those things to her, you wouldn’t do those things to her. She didn’t deserve it and you don’t either.

No. 256311

You can tell me your feelings on self harm nona. I'm in a better state right now, I can take hearing it. You've been pretty introspective thus far

No. 256316

Self harm at its core is an addiction. Your brain registers you are in significant pain and looks for a release or way to mediate it. The physical pain triggers endorphins and it soothes the pain. Over time it becomes an addiction. Every time your brain gets triggered in the same way it wants to relive it by hurting you and getting the endorphins because your brain just knows hurt means better. You can even see it in small autistic children they scratch themselves, pull on their ears, and hit themselves because the pain soothes the distress.
Calling it a relapse is accurate in that way. It can still happen to me that I get the compulsion. Just like the paranoia I can feel the mental shift and the way it starts to feel in my skin. I know if I distract myself and wait it out it will pass. My brain is in distress and needs time to calm down.
If you’re hurting yourself and leaving permanent scars can you channel the harm into something less destructive long term if you do relapse? The rubber band never worked for me. When I was at my worst and still in a irl situation I couldn’t leave when I relapsed. I would tweeze my armpit hair. It’s stings and requires focus but doesn’t come with the risk of more severe forms. I’m not encouraging you to harm and I’m glad you’re doing better now than then.
There’s also less obvious ways of self harm outside of physical like not eating because you don’t deserve it, leaving relationships because you don’t deserve it, forcing showers so hot they scald, and lots of little things so take a gentle reminder to be gentle with yourself and know you deserve better. The farther out you get and the better you do at developing other strategies the less the impulse comes up.

No. 256341

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I'm trying to figure out alternate ways to drown the urges. There's no ease in it. Last time I was able to nope out earlier, started writing instead, but not before I stained the papers I had in front of me with my own blood. Looking back a few days later the sight of the staining felt so grotesque, but there was a strength of an idea in it. The idea have in mind is pretty bad, but I want to do it, I want to create again, I want to do something that isn't just sitting around and thinking about what I want to do before the next episode hits. It'll be hard but I hope I am able to get out of this place. That the ride ends, that I do escape the theme park, or learn to vibe with its mojo. Instead of allowing it to unravel me threadbare

No. 256344

How can you tell if you have adhd or struggling with depression? I have been in therapy for the last 6 years. Even though my anxiety and depression are manageable now, my lack of focus it's not. I loathe reading because I can't concentrate, but when I was as child I used to sit through days and read a lot. I would love to go back being a book nerd or going back to school.

No. 256351

I mean when you have adhd you're supposed be born with it. It wouldn't make sense that you never had any difficulty concentrating as a child and now out of nowhere you developed adhd.
You should check with your therapist if your lack of concentration could be cause by your depression, or meds or idk. But not adhd

No. 257030

I'm really going crazy lately and I don't know what's wrong with me. I have these repeatative thoughts and delusions about imagined scenarios that feel real, like recently I have this suspicion that a friend is tracking me online and knows about everything that I do. So every little thing they say, my head picks it up as something to do with them stalking me. I'm not sure if this delusion is even real or not. In public I keep believing that people around me are going to shoot me.
This is ruining my life and making me lose friendships and relationships.

No. 257155

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I spent a while at a psych ward as a teenager and I think it legit traumatized me. I know it's a stupid thing to be traumatized about, i wasn't even treated badly, but every time i think about it i feel like i'm being crushed under a rock. Even thinking about addressing any of my issues in therapy of any kind makes me have cold sweat so i just let everything calcify inside my mind and try to push things away. I'm a clown. I'm so fucking agry i wanna scream.

Can't talk about this to anyone irl so i just needed to post this somewhere.

No. 257157

Thought paranoid ideation was improving. It's not. Thinking of perhaps going to Los Angeles and knifing myself to death but I probably couldn't manage to bleed out. I'm not strong enough to hit a vein. Maybe I should just go to LA and leap off the side of the freeway instead, people do it all the time. I'm ready to die. It's so fucking bad. I'd mean no harm to myself other than not wanting to die a nonentity in pathetic martyrdom. Offing myself here where the entire posse of people who didn't know what was wrong with me or refused to care seems cruel to them. Do it in the city of angels and I'll be sandwiched between limbo and earth for the rest of my life, but it's probably worth one last trip down false memory lane.

It's so easy for fucking bipolar, crazy and paranoid men, they coke themselves up, fuck as many bitches as they want to alleviate the pain. people call them stimulating sideshows. Types like me, normal women stuck living with their garbage relatives from suburbia? We internalize. We decay. We die. Everyone ignores us until we die; if we express discomfort it's time for them to infantize, sexualize, and institutionalize. This kind of treatment only emasculates the mentally I'll bitch and makes her fear! Then they wonder? They wonder why we keep our lips zipped. not meant for this world. not meant for anyone. I'm going to die in the wake of this decay eroding my body if I don't kill myself. Nobody fucking cares. That's why I should just fuck off and die somewhere else.

You cant hurt me anymore if I'm dead.

No. 257167

Agoraphobia sucks. I feel like I'm wasting so much time. It's been better I guess. I can manage "safe" places and routes to get there but going somewhere new for the first time makes me literally shake in fear lol. This is my third time dealing with it, happened when I was 14-15 and another time when I was about 20. Now I'm 30 and it feels so much worse this time. A lot of people in my life think it's social anxiety and I need to stop worrying about other people but it's not about other people at all. I'm quiet and kinda shy but other people don't bother me.

No. 257175

I have it too, similar age and dealing with it since my teens.. I'm shitting myself at the thought of walking through a door into a building I've never entered before.. that's how it works for me. But like you said people think I have social anxiety. I have place anxiety, building anxiety, bus anxiety, never been down that road anxiety. Worried I might not find my way back home anxiety kek

No. 257180

Get obsessed with certain girls (art hoes/e-girls) I date, especially if they break up with me. Never really looked into it but I'm starting to think it's probably not normal bc it definitely makes my depression worse by idealizing their lives/belittling my own by comparison. Anyone have experience w/ this? Honestly just want a normal committed relationship

No. 257248

Gosh nonners…paranoia is so isolating and frightening. Can you go on a trip somewhere with your mom or someone you trust? Just get out a little? This won't be forever, so many people go through this, including me.

No. 257340

I got out the other day to the museum and I kept looking over my shoulder the entire time. I have felt a little relief in trying to take extra walks during the day but the fear still persists in small form. Once I get home the dread invites itself back in. It's like that domicile has bad juju I cannot elude. Shit has randomly gone off for no reason in a way it hasn't before, starting to believe someone is surveying me or the place is haunted. People joke and oh so introspectively use metaphor that life is like the fucking Truman Show and now I'm starting to feel like life actually is. This reality is so unreal and depersonalized and I'm not vibing with its bleak, blood colored stench. There could be some physical health problems afoot, but guess who can't afford to go to the doctor. Everything's a parody of what I used to know. It's all a fucking joke, isn't it. When is someone going to appear and tell me that I've been punk'd, or knife me in the chest? it's not funny anymore

No. 257342

Me too, I’ve had it since I was a teenager. I’m nearing 30 and I’ve never had a job because of it. I haven’t left my house more than a handful of times in the past 5 years. I have no friends, no education, no job. Idk what to do at this point. C’est La vie, I guess

No. 257359

I'm in the same boat. I might try learning to code like the 4chan scrotes do since that's something you can do from hone but it's so intimidating.

No. 257709

you could also try watching art videos on youtube and practice enough to be good at it to take commissions

No. 257997

Nonnies who are on anti-depressants, how long did it take you to find the right medication for you? I read it's rarely the first one they prescribe and honestly finding the right one sounds so daunting.

No. 258460

Nearly all of the ones I tried mess me up in some way so I gave up on them. Even the "less bad" ones made me sick and unable to get out of bed. I'd rather be sad a lot and learn to cope in therapy than a borderline asexual with no hobbies.

No. 258615

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a part of me feels like there is something seriously wrong with me. to put it shortly, for almost a decade (i’m 20) i’ve been feeling depressed, anxious and unable to do literally any task because of my lack of motivation. i‘m not diagnosed with any disorder but a few doctors told me to see a psychiatrist or therapist after I told them about my symptoms. but I never actually went to a psychiatrist afterwards because that is too much effort for me lol.
but the other part of me believes that mental illness is fake anyway and I’m just lazy & should just pull myself together instead of blaming it on some illness. but it’s so hard, I‘m unable to start doing simple tasks - even things that I would enjoy doing - and, for example, I‘m even failing all of my university courses because of this debilitating laziness. the only thing I do the whole day is lie in bed and listen to music, I don’t even enjoy doing that anymore. I would rather kill myself than continue living like this. its so awful. I don’t even know if I should keep trying to get psychiatric help because I don’t know if it will change anything.

No. 259676

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it sounds really pathetic that I'm talking about this on here (and honestly i feel somewhat juvenile that im doing this as an adult) but I started cutting myself at the end of January during one of the worst depressive episodes i've had and it's been a daily problem since. lately ive been working with my therapist to prevent myself from doing it and it's been working well for a little over 2 weeks which is good, but i don't feel as good as i think i should be feeling about it. every day i still have urges, especially when i have a bad day at work, and dealing with the marks on my arm fading is difficult despite me wanting them gone so im not worried at work/when the weather gets hotter. it's almost like people won't take my pain seriously if i don't have them? but it's not like anyone has seen them except my psych nurse and i actively make sure my arms are covered. i really don't get why i feel this way but it's hell. idk if any nonnas have advice on how to think more positively about healing, i just want to feel less alone with how i feel.

from what you've said it's pretty clear that you have depression nonna. also feeling like your faking, it/you should just get over it is actually another symptom of depression. you've clearly been struggling for a long time, i really think you should see the psych/therapist because trying anything is better than doing nothing and continuing to suffer when you don't deserve it at all. it's hard to find the energy to do it but like you've said you've been dealing with this for 10 years, if you try to do something about it now you can feel better sooner. i used to feel pessimistic like this when my mental issues first started, therapy and meds have really helped me get to a place where i can cope and actually engage in life instead of being in bed all day, i feel a lot better for it. even if you don't think mental illness is real i would still try it out and see how you feel about it afterwards. i obviously don't know you but i know what it's like to have depression control your life and even if you don't believe it yourself i believe you can get better nonna.

i've tried it and i can say it really helped me a lot, especially in terms of anxiety and self-esteem. I used to be very avoidant but the techniques in cbt helped me a lot with how to cope with being in situations where i would be anxious/unprepared and trying to reframe what thoughts were causing my anxiety. in combination with cbt and starting a low dose of anxiety meds im able to actually get through life without having panic attacks or fainting spells when im out and about. i like things being structured so i found it most helpful organising my thoughts with worksheets and reflecting on my thought processes too since my thoughts tend to get mixed up when im thinking negatively. i especially found evidence-based thinking good for negative thoughts since i tend to focus on how I come across to people, it really helps me slow down and stop assuming things about how im perceived. i think integrating the techniques into your life without being prompted by a therapist was the hardest part and something im still working on but im a lot better off than when i started it. overall, it really helped me a lot after only having experience with talk therapy in the past.

No. 259684

Prozac saved my life and it's the first medication I tried. Honestly to me it's worth it trying because I can finally live a life without depression.

No. 259688

I'm with you nonna, been struggling with depression for years now but only last year something pushed me that one step further than ever and I ended up cutting myself, and ever since it was tough to stop. I can 100% relate to your reason too, there's just something in it that makes it feel like it's an outlet to finally be understood, showing I'm not just "kinda sad". I'm in my late 20 so when I was researching the ways to help myself it really added a lot to my shame to see most of the resources are directed at teens.
I've been working with my therapist on it, what's the most important is letting your mind process and validate the pain you're feeling. We don't need this physical proof of pain to know we're hurting. For the more immediate ways of dealing with the need to do so as it comes, I found this website very helpful, there are a LOT of suggestions here to try: https://projectlets.org/alternatives-to-selfharm ; otherwise of course, get rid of whatever you use to harm yourself if possible. From what it seemed to me, if you use a lot of good moisturizer on your arms it will help the wounds heal faster too, and even if not there's something soothing in that act of self care that applying and massaging in the cream is.
Overall, you're not alone, and getting out of this mindset is going to be a process, not an easy one but doable. I hope we both manage to get through it and have zero second thoughts about wearing short sleeve in summer. Fingers crossed♥

No. 259841

Sounds like you have some schizoid disorder. Please seek medical help, nonnie.

My doctor is helping me investigate about OCPD. He knows me for 2 years. I didn't know about this disorder until past month.
Anyway, it's sort of a punch in the stomach because I lost so many good opportunities in my life… because I always need everything to be perfect. I lost people because they couldn't handle the way I function.
It only made me more depressed tbqh, because nothing is good enough to satisfy me.

No. 260230

can you please tell if you had any side effects you had? I'm worried about weight gain and losing ability to orgasm/loss of sex drive

No. 261435

thank you nonna, you're really kind and the website you linked is really helpful <3.

I unfortunately relapsed today, my therapist says similar stuff about letting myself heal and it's just hard to focus on that when I feel like I don't deserve it. It almost feels like I can't let my cuts heal because I haven't healed mentally or that my cutting isn't bad enough for me to stop doing it. Lately I've been drawing/painting when I've had urges and it's helped but I always get to a point where things are too much one day and every day that I don't sh my urges get too much for me to ignore.

No. 261466

I had my first doctors appointment in forever but I finally made one and said it was for depression and anxiety. The doctor asked me why I was feeling this way and honestly I just broke down crying and didn't say as much as I wanted to. I mentioned my home situation with my family (but I feel like at least the other half of my problems are within myself and I didn't get to really say that). She asked me if I can reach out to other friends and family to get out of the house more but I don't really have many friends and the other family members I have also has their own issues and are lowkey kind of crazy. But yeah she wants me to talk to a family member which I won't do.

She wants me to get talk therapy which I said I was opened to but I hate talking about myself and my problems to anyone. I know that's not healthy but I guess I'm just super sensitive and extremely private about my feelings and thoughts. I don't think I can get through it without crying which I hate and find embarrassing. She said it might take 2 months to get in with the psychiatrist she referred me to but I should use betterhelp in the mean time.

She also prescribed me lexapro and xanax. I've never been on medications like that before so I'm kind of scared. I just want to feel normal. I'm currently a NEET (trying to get out of it) and I think that contributes a lot to my situation and lack of self-worth. I have a follow-up appointment at the end of the month and I'm dreading it already due to me crying and her wanting me to reach out to a family member which I'm not gonna do lol. I hope I don't cry again next visit and can be more clear and say some more things.

No. 261520

First steps are always hard anon but you're on a path to get better, just stay on it! It's completely natural to cry in situations like that, I can guarantee you the doctor saw it happen plenty of times before and doesn't think it's odd in any way; and therapist won't even more so. You can do things at your own pace and good therapist will know how to make you feel more comfortable with speaking about things that weight on you. Stay strong, continue onward, and maybe take some notes before next follow up visit so you won't be worried about forgetting to say something.

No. 261632

Thank you nonny. I’m such a shy person and I don’t open up to complete strangers so it was pretty difficult for me. I was so overwhelmed and it made me so emotional which I’m honestly not used to. Talk therapy is something I might have to work myself up to do. I hope the lexapro will help ease me into feeling okay with it and not be a crying mess even if the docs and psychs are used to it. It kind of just makes me feel worse for whatever reason. Thanks for replying! It helps having someone to talk to since I find it so difficult in real life.

No. 261682

Glad to know it helps you too! What you say really hits close, this sense of being undeserving to be fully healed yet, hope you can work through it with your therapist. Maybe a good "compromise" would be just sticking to one arm, letting another heal fully? And / or maybe as the urge comes, just start with flicking a rubber band, it leaves a mark too - though less permanent - and hurts, so hopefully after a while of this a need to cut won't be as intense and becomes easier to manage and ideally push aside. Overall though, don't be hard on yourself, it's all a process, hopefully upcoming days will be more peaceful for you.

No. 261915

You'll learn to not feel worse about it in time, it's fine to be in touch with your emotions, even intense ones. If it's something you can do, I'd recommend just booking a therapy session right now, real fast, and be done with it; once it's set you will be more likely to do it, and it's good to take this first step fast, without overthinking. After you do it, everything will get just a tiny bit easier, especially alongside meds. Fingers crossed for you, if you feel like, come back here to let us know how you're doing in the future!

No. 261960

I had a big breakdown today, I'm still having it as I write this tbh. It's been building for a long time. I was rejected which seems to be the last straw. I don't like anything about myself. I am unloved. Have never be romantically involved with anyone and I'll be honest never will be. I can't talk to my friends because I've already dumped on them enough this week. I'm on the edge of self harming. It's never been this bad before.

I've tried getting help before and all I got was therapy for low mood. I wasn't taken seriously, never got medication or anything because I haven't harmed myself before. But I'm so close to it now.

No. 262071

File: 1651943438889.jpg (22.92 KB, 500x375, D9EZvCAUYAA3qPT.jpg)

>have felt numb for a long time, over a year maybe more
>noticed my perception of time was off, time always seems to be moving fast and I sometimes skip forward in time if I'm not paying attention
>persistent memory issues, suddenly doubting facts I've always known, sometimes look in the mirror and think to myself "who is that"
>know there's something wrong with my head but don't have the strength or even the terminology to try to explain it to a doctor who's probably gonna just shove more antidepressants in my face
>basically feel like I'm watching myself through a screen
>scared it's full blown psychosis, this is the end of my sanity
>ignore it because I'm tired
>fast forward to yesterday, suddenly it occurs to me that I could try googling my symptoms
>don't know what to put so just search "why does nothing feel real"
>mfw it's a real disorder
>depersonalization-derealization disorder
>Individuals with depersonalization describe feeling disconnected from their physicality; feeling as if they are not completely occupying their own body; feeling as if their speech or physical movements are out of their control; feeling detached from their own thoughts or emotions; and experiencing themselves and their lives from a distance.
>Additionally some individuals experience difficulty concentrating and problems with memory retrieval. These individuals sometimes lack the "feeling" of a memory where they are able to recall a memory but feel as if they did not personally experience it.

I'm relieved I'm not crazy beyond hope, but I live in a small town where you have to see a GP before you can even consult a psychiatrist. I can already see one of those smug doctors telling me I'm fine and I just need exercise or something. There's a walk in for the mental health office but it's during a day I work. I might try making an appointment to see a counselor but I won't get my hopes up that they can help me. Ideally I want to get better but as usual my circumstances prevent it. I guess I'm just going to try and curb my habits that cause disassociation and keep myself grounded.

No. 262441

hope i'm not overstepping nonna but have you gone through some tough times in your early years? situations that made you anxious a lot, loneliness, being stressed too often? i understand all the things you've described very well, so i promise it's not too difficult of a problem to untangle as others can go through this too.

No. 262483

Thanks for responding anon. I wasn't directly abused but my living situation from age 12 to a few years ago was tumultuous and often unsafe, and I think it left me traumatized. It's affected my ability to socialize and I've isolated myself for most of my adult life because of it. I've struggled with chronic depression for about a decade which I've taken medication for various times.
When I think about it the dissociation lines up with a traumatic event a few years ago, it also came not long after I tried weed for the first time (and smoked too much and had a several-hour paranoid hallucination–while I was alone) which I've heard can trigger mental illness.

No. 262852

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anons how do you motivate yourselves when you feel like shit and when you feel like nothing has meaning so there's no reason to try? I just wanna sleep peacefully and never wake up. Trying is so hard when you don't wanna do anything genuinely.

No. 262867

Nonna, don't harm yourself! I know it's three days late, but I'm rooting for you to find self love! Focus on that, starting now, there has to be at least one good thing you can find about yourself; in fact I'm positive there are several, once you start really looking. Focus on those good things. Feel free to reply if you'd like, I hope you will read this and feel better. You're not alone!

No. 262879

also here 3 days late, but nonna, don't start self harming. You feel low, self harm will help you temporary, but in the long run, it will make your life so much more complicated and you will feel bad about yourself for ever starting.
I'm sure you aren't unlovable and I won't tell you the "you have to love yourself first, bla bla bla" bullshit, because you are loved. Your friends seem to care about you, we care about you and you will get through this. Try to find another therapist, not everyone is suited to help you and if you still feel like self harming, push it away as long as you can. Find another outlet, play a stupid mind numbing video game, binge watch a tv show, just anything to keep your mind busy with something else. We believe in you, you can get through this low, depressing time of your life.

No. 262880

honestly, I don't, I give myself three days, three days to cry, to sleep, to be depressed and after those three days, I have to get back into life. Maybe find something you love and if it's something amazing like sitting beneath a tree for hours and just inhaling the smell. I believe, that if your brain is telling you, that it needs a break, you should take the break and most of the times it really does help.

No. 262968

I went to a therapist because i was depressed a while back and it didnt do shit mostly because she just did smalltalk with me for hours and never asked me important questions. I never brought anything up to be fair but i answered whatever was asked of me truthfully, but she didnt ask much. Im thinking of trying again but should i get a new therapist or should i just vent harder. Idk if i even can because it would make me feel like a burden telling someone i barely know so much so quickly. Not to mention i like having a nicely laid out outside persona and if i told her what i really felt it would come crashing down and freak her out and maybe get me sent to the soft rooms so idk. I guess what im asking is does a good therapist just know how to get in your head or do i have to pour my soul out to
them first

No. 262980

It’s not a “burden” to unload on them. Therapy is a transaction. It’s their job to give you tools to help yourself, and then have to know your situation and thoughts in order to do that. Don’t think of it like a social relationship, cuz it’s not. You don’t fuss about “did I say the right thing” or “what if they don’t like me” or “what if I make them uncomfortable.” As for avoiding the soft room, you can tell them anything as long as it’s not stuff that suggests you’re an immediate threat to yourself or others. For example, saying you have suicidal thoughts is fine as long as you tell them you have no plans to act on it, even if that’s a lie. It’s not ideal but it’s the world we have to deal with.

No. 262981

Samefag, to answer your question, they’re people and they have different ways of doing therapy. Some will ask lots of questions, others will wait for you to bring things up yourself. Just gotta poke around until you find one you mesh well with.

No. 262984

Thanks for the advice. I think il try again with thinking of it more like a transaction in mind

No. 263019

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Is taking mood stabilizers supposed to feel like picrel?
It's my first experience with any meds, been taking them for 5 months now and I thought the intense emotions I was normally experiencing are going to be tamed, what I'm feeling instead is that the emotion is still there, as big as ever, but there's something stopping me from fully expressing it, almost like brute force supressing it? In a way of course it's good but it's so weird that I kinda know that the awful, overwhelming sensation is there, looming over me, just held by by this tape.

No. 263098

Old ASD/ADHD thread in /ot/ got full so I'll drop this here instead. I'm skeptical of many online autism blogs written by non-specialists, but I think autistic burnout really is a thing. My life at the moment is not stressful - I just finished my last and easiest semester of undergrad, I have a pretty good job lined up, and things are going 'well' in general. Yet somehow I just feel exhausted and checked out of life and I am struggling with basic things like eating at regular intervals and keeping appointments. I've been spending half the day in bed doing jack shit for months but I don't really feel sad or anxious, just numb and uneasy. I dread starting this job and being forced to spend my time stuck in one place doing the same thing for hours, just like during school, but I need the money and the experience and I feel like I'm wasting the weeks of freedom I have by being a useless bed slug but I just do not want to leave the house and see people and experience noise and fake a smile unless I have to. I'm supposed to go to a large crowded event with some friends this weekend but I've just been using it as an opportunity to fixate on my costume for it and I don't really care about the other parts of the event. I don't mind things like anime cons or ren fairs where I can literally put on a character and not be myself in public, but being 'normal' and subdued and having to talk about things I don't give a shit about is a much harder role to play. What's worse is I usually dress well and look 'put together' so when I do something socially off-script I just come across as a psycho or at least rude and stuck-up and it puts people off when it's clear that I'd rather go wander around doing my own thing than talk to them for extended periods of time.

No. 263100

Hi I didn't self harm. I got close but I managed to hold one. Thank you for your words. I think I was having a mix of a bunch of bad days and I was so burnt out from work. I will see about trying to find a different therapist its just kinda difficult.

No. 263112

I got officially diagnosed with chronic depression and i was put on meds real quick. I wish I had gotten a second opinion though. But I think I've got some body dysmorphia I'm not sure if its worth checking out

No. 263155

I suppose a little bit? I find myself not speaking out so much now and bottling it all up basically. SSRIs?

No. 263158

Have you interacted with special interests or had a dopamine detox recently Noni?

No. 263161

nayrt, but could you elaborate about the dopamine detox? how does it work? hacve you done it before?

No. 263266

Not SSRI; meds like Lithium or Lamotrigine (the latter in my case). But what you say is interesting and sounds similar, I guess maybe this is how it works with meds. In a way, thinking about it now, it feels unreasonable to expect them to magically change you into a happy, stable person; just keeping the "bad" part in check sounds more likely

No. 263316

this is vent if anything but after 5 months of going back and forth from my gp and the mental health team I've finally been put on meds. they didn't tell me if I had an diagnosis after I had asked for an assessment and didn't tell me what medication they were going to recommend to my gp so I guess I'll have to find out when I actually get the prescription which is bs. they've discharged me from the mental health service and if the meds don't work I just have to make a referral AGAIN which took me months of waiting and pestering my gp about it. and that's it. no psychotherapy which I asked for, just meds. I'm being ungrateful and I sound annoying but the way this system works is rubbish. why won't they tell me what they're prescribing me? in order for me to get meds I have to be diagnosed with something right? or have they not done that? it's confusing. I've only taken anxiety medication so I'm a bit scared about going on an antidepressant since I know you feel worse before you feel better on it. idk I'm just frustrated.

thank you nonny. I used to do the rubber band thing for a while and sometimes it helps but most of the time I just want to see blood over feeling pain. I know some people use red coloured ice cubes as an alternative but I haven't tried it out yet. I keep going back and forth about whether I actually want to stop doing it and it drives me nuts. I wish I could still cut without it upsetting the people around me/leaving marks.

No. 263364

proud of you, nonna. Take some days of (if you can) when work burns you out or everything gets too much, your health is way more important than anything else.

No. 263367

may I ask in which country you live? This procedure sounds stressing and horrible. I never tried to go to therapy in my country (Germany) or get a diagnosis, but I know that it can take a year to get an appointment, even if it's urgent. Hope you find out what they prescribed you very soon and that it will actually work for you.

I've been self harming myself for over 15 years and am now 2 years without (one slip up, but that doesn't count), so you can believe me if I tell you, that I know exactly how you feel. For me, all those skills never worked, it's always been about the blood and the healing process for me. It has something ritualistic to see how your inside pours onto the outside and how you can decide afterwards what your worse is by how good you take care of your wounds. Only thing that helped me stopping was to sit it out. As soon as I felt the need to self harm I would tell myself that I can wait another day and after a while I started to be able to wait weeks. I never tried to stop, I just felt the need to leave it behind because there wasn't any room on my arms left and life won't get easier with any new scars. Important thing I've learned is that a relapse is not the end, it's just one relapse and the next day you start new. Maybe you should try to change your perspective and let your outside heal so your inside can heal as well. Wish you all the strength and I believe you can beat that shit.

I find this aspect of shame interesting because someone isn't a teen anymore. I felt the same for a very long time, I stopped self harming while in my early 30s and that's one of the reasons I stopped, because after all I'm an adult. What you won't read on the internet is, that there are a lot of older people that self harm or start self harming at an older age, you just won't see it because they don't have parents that force them to get help or teachers that see their cuts and intervene. It's way easier to hide your self harm as an independent adult than as a teenager. That doesn't mean you have to be ashamed or you aren't valid enough to get help. Hope you will have an amazing summer, I'm still struggling with the short sleeves, but it's nearly to hot to stand it already and I can't change having scars for the rest of my life.

No. 263389

"When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago". Please remember this in the future: you are just tired, not unworthy of love.

No. 263648

Is it possible for a person to be completely chill and normal on most months than have one day they snap out and start being NPDfags? My partner is usually very normal and chill, then there's this day every six months they just snap out and start screaming and gaslighting at me. I have absolutely no idea what happens, it's like they become a totally different person.
It seems pretty weird that they are like this only once every six months.
I made them go to the psychiatrist ages ago and they told him they have very obsessive thoughts. Is is possible for a NPD to hide it for months than just show their real selves?

No. 263656

Why are you diagnosing him with NPD? You don't know what that is. To answer your question, yes, mental disorders go through different phases and sometimes a person is stable, sometimes they're not. I'm diagnosed with BPD and can be stable for months and then something flips and brain gets messy again; I would argue though that the "real self" is the well adjusted one, not the messy one mid-episode. Your partner should seek more psychiatric help, maybe therapy, anything that would show good will and effort to get better, otherwise it will just keep being like this.

No. 263711

You're not being ungrateful. They're only giving you the treatment that is convenient for them, instead of any treatment that might actually help.

No. 263723

Serious question to anyone who's managed to pull themselves out of a mental health slump, how did you do it? Besides seeking professional help which I know I need to do at this point, have you made any changes to your lifestyle entirely of your own accord that you've noticed major benefits from?
t. a femcel who feels she has nothing going for her but nonetheless wants out of her languishing existence

No. 263729

This will sound extremely cliche and I know I would HATE to read it when I'm struggling but from my legitimate experience, doing these things, ideally every day, can really make a difference and provide a great groundwork for more improvement:
1. basic selfcare - shower, sleep for minimum 6-7h, changing clothes regularly, having at least one full meal
2. physical activity sessions - doesn't have to be much, 10 minutes stretching session squeezed somewhere during the day is enough, of course if you can do more, even better
3. guided meditation / relaxation practice - plenty available online, similar as it is with exercise, 10 minutes is enough
Ultimately, at my lowest point during depressive episodes I know I wouldn't be able to do any of these, so don't be hard on yourself nonna; but doing all of these gives me that sense of "ok, I actually can do something for myself, maybe not all hope is lost", and being able to stick to a healthy routine, any at all, is always motivating.

No. 263737

Idk sex drive got better because I almost had no libido when I was depressed. But I know it's not super commun, I did get some weight but I don't think it's the medication, I just eat more now bc I feel better.

No. 263741

are there any nonnas here who had severe social anxiety/phobia that got better? (i dont mean 100% cured, just better.)
what helped you?

No. 263742

I think my social anxiety improved a bit once I made a good group of friends and a community that I felt I could be myself around and wouldn't be judged, which was for me through my local con scene. Something about that environment just gave me a bit of confidence. Like I'm normally ridden with anxiety just talking to a cashier but at a con I can go up to a random person and start a conversation because I feel I have an "in." I'm trying now to apply that to my daily life, remembering that people are just people and if I can find a kernel of commonality with them that person could even turn into a friend. The people I encounter in daily life might also like horror movies or maybe they lived in a place I lived before too or maybe we both like making art.

Obviously taking that first step of even going to a social activity and making friends is difficult with social anxiety but if it's something you really enjoy or if you can go with someone you know that makes it easier.

No. 263743

It's exactly as >>263729 says. The best way to improve your mental health is to improve your physical health. Try to do just one of those things every day. Pick whichever is most attainable right now, or whichever you feel is most important. Once it becomes more habit than insurmountable chore, add in a new task for yourself, and then another, and another, until all your basic needs are met.
It also helps to have a clean environment. If you're living in filth right now, please make it a priority to clean up.

No. 263746

thanks nona but im not even comfortable around my own family and i dont have any irl friends so i think i need smaller baby steps. im thinking about trying to get a benzo prescription even though im (maybe irrationally? idk?) scared i will be instantly addicted to them, or that theyll only help while im taking them but after i stop ill be miserable again.

No. 263748

I got prescribed lexapro for depression and anxiety. My anxiety is definitely the bigger problem out of the two. I only just started but I'll update you if anything changes anxiety wise. It seems some people have had success with it for social anxiety so I'm hoping it will help me too.

No. 263946

Nonnas, I could use an advice. I've been self harming for nearly 20 years, been without it for 2 years now, still both arms are covered in scars and they will never go away. Personally, I don't mind the scars, I'm not ashamed, I don't hate them, I know why and what for and that gives me peace of mind on that subject.
Right now I'm back at school for further job training and since it has been cold enough until now, I wore long sleeves every day, hated it, but made life easier and without questions from others. Sadly, summer is here, it's already too hot for my liking and it's nearly not bearable anymore to wear long clothes for me. Why I'm asking is, I need an advice for how to approach this. Do I tell my main teacher about my self harm scars before I show up in short sleeves or do I just wear them one day and it's just what it is. I really don't want to appear unprofessional and maybe give my main teacher a chance to get her head on that subject, because I respect her and her knowledge. It's also not like I have mental health problems that other people would notice, I appear very "normal" and my scars are the only thing that will tell others that my brain might have had (or still has) some problems. I'm used to be stared at and I don't want to die of a heat stroke this coming months but I'm still not sure what to do and wish it would be autumn again.

No. 263947

I feel like it's more unprofessional to announce your (past) issues like that. Shitty people will be shitty to you regardless, just wear short sleeves.

No. 263950

You'd be surprised how many people don't notice. I have healed cigarette burns up and down my arms and my hyper vigilant OCD boss didnt notice most of my old scars until I pointed them out. She knows I'm a recovering self harmer but she only spots new or obvious scars

No. 263967

not saying that you have to but if you want to cover them you can get long sleeved shirts that are linen or other very light materials. people wear long sleeves in the desert, you can too

No. 263968

adding onto what other anons have said:
1. try to do enjoyable things often - hobbies but also planning places to visit, stuff that could get you out of the house for a bit or something that you can look forward too soon.
2. start a life diary - by this I mean start writing down at least one good thing that happened each day. even if it's mundane like "I liked the cup of tea I had" or "seeing a cute bird made me happy today." This gave me a boost and also motivated me to do more things that I could write down, even if I was having an awful day I'd usually be able to find something small that made me happy. It helps you reframe things in your life as well, it makes you focus on the positive a bit. If you keep doing it you can look back at all of the good things that happened too and that helps me feel better when I'm down.
3. helplines - not really a lifestyle one but reaching out was a habit I had to try and incorporate into my life. I'm not sure what country you live in so the services might differ but I saved some helplines in my phone when I was feeling low. you can contact these even if you don't feel suicidal and just want to talk things through. these helped me a lot rather than letting my thoughts simmer in my head, sometimes they teach you grounding techniques or suggestions to help with your lifestyle.
4. try and get outside - some days it was difficult for me but I would try and aim to go for a walk once a day to boost my mood.

I'm in the uk. I've accessed therapy as a teenager through the nhs before but it's way different when you're an adult. All of the services are overworked. I've talked to 3 psych nurses over the past 5 months all for them to tell my that I'd see a psychiatrist in a few weeks, then the weeks go by and I chase them up about it and they just don't know what happened to my case for some reason. I'm just fucking tired of trying really hard to get help. anyway, thank you for being encouraging that's very kind of you. I do think I need a perspective change. The bleeding is just very addicting, I used to enjoy the ritual of taking care of my cuts but I don't really do that anymore. I do think there's many layers to it and I'm not really getting to the bottom of why I want to do it and what purpose it serves for me. I think a lot of it is validation seeking and self punishment. It's also something I feel like I have control over when I don't have control over other areas in my life. like it's something for me, it's something that's mine, no one can take it away from me. but that's not healthy because it's hurting me and the people who care about me, and even though I don't believe it I don't deserve to cause myself more pain for the things I've been through. this is long but I'm very alone with this irl and I can't really talk about it with my friends. I hope wearing short sleeves gets easier for you so you can enjoy summer to the fullest, sending you lots of courage!

No. 264457

had surgery last year in may, worst pain I've ever experienced and they left my issue so late that I had to get a part of me removed. I've put on about 20kg in just 1 year. Even though gaining weight is against my recovery, I still did it. Just eating takeout every day, drinking and generally having worse anxiety than before. My thoughts are worse, I have nightmares every second night now and I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore.
Not even sure if I'm looking for advice, just wanted to vent about my decline.

No. 264459


I'm really sorry. Idk what kind of surgery you got but that sounds horrible. It's really common to get PTSD from hospitals like that so I'm sure if you reached out to people they'd be more likely to understand than you'd think. I hope you get better.

No. 264480

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Posted this in the confession thread already but I think this will probably fit here better. I’ve been suffering from quite a bit of paranoia over the past few months and I’m afraid it will affect my new relationship. I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for the past few months and he’s been incredibly genuine and kind and really seems to care about me, but I can’t help but assume the worst in him.

For context my Father was a covert narc who was loved by acquaintances and coworkers but was a monster at home. He dropped dead a few months before I started this relationship and in the aftermath my Mom and I found out about all of the illegal and immoral shit he had been doing behind our backs for almost my entire life. I can’t say I’m in disbelief as it makes a lot of his behavior much clearer in hindsight but it’s still really shattered my trust in other people. I have a laundry list of mental health issues because of him that while I’ve spent a lot of time working on and his death has both freed me as well as set me back quite a bit. I’m so happy that he can never hurt me again but now I’m extremely paranoid of repeating the same mistakes my Mom made.

I feel very safe with my boyfriend and it scares me. Safety means vulnerability and my Father had a knack for being incredibly cruelty whenever I tried to be vulnerable with him. I feel like my brain is taking either some of his qualities I’m not as fond of and even some that I like and twists them into something sinister. I get really nervous when he drives because I’m afraid we’re going to crash even though he drives very normally. He has guns and I have intrusive thoughts about him shooting me in the head when I sleep over. He really loves kids and wants to me an elementary school teacher and I’ve convinced myself he’s a pedo.

Part of me says I’m seeing things and making up excuses so I can self sabotage this relationship but the anxiety and impending doom feels so real. How can I stop this? Do I have a right to be worried? I am starting much more intensive therapy soon but I’ve been freaking out this past week and needed to vent.

No. 264552

I've been in a very similair situation with the feelings of resent and fear that surrounds our relationship. At home, I would frequently lose my temper and break down when I felt bad for someone or was panicked. I started relaying a lot of this behaviour on my partner. I would tell him horrible things I wish I could take back. I came to terms with the fact a lot of what I was saying to him were insecurties and worries I had surrounding myself and my father.

I felt my father was a cheat and liar, and I started to push those narratives and fears on to my partner because I guess I got some satisfaction pushing the blame onto someone who would listen to me and apologise for anything he had done to make me feel that way because my father would never take accountability for what he did. I was jealous that my partner had a loving family that he took care of, so I would find flaws and in my mind find reasons not to like them. In the long run, it never made me feel better and put myself into a pit of worry that he was going to cheat and hurt me, that something was wrong and I was the only one that could see it when really I was happy for the first time.

It could be that when we are dropped in situations for the first time, where we have freedom and are provided with care that we haven't experienced before, we go into defense mode. It feels like we should anticipate the worst when really by doing so, we are only making ourselves suffer more. I think it may be a good idea to sit down with them and express why and how you think the think the things you do.

No. 264647

Thank you for the response. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been conditioned into always feelings like I should be afraid or apathetic in relationships so stability feels so wrong. The irony of being truly happy for the first time has made me an emotional wreck. It’s so hard to look for advice on this sort of thing too because the typical reaction is that I need something is wrong but they don’t understand. On paper I’ve always know what I want out of a relationship and how I should be treated but my emotional bar was so low that anyone who didn’t scream at me was automatically a tender and loving partner ever when that was typically far from the truth.

He’s very understanding and is in a similar situation in terms of trauma as me so we’ve had part of this conversation before. I need a lot of reassurance but I’m trying to fight the desire of having the same conversations over and over again. I do think I need to have a much more in depth talk with him though.

No. 264718

Bruhs I had one few week break from therapy and something in my brain clicked that i went to get lip fillers and then dissolved then the same week.
Feeling absolute shit since I didn't even want them and could've used the money literally on anything else. Even wiping my ass and flushing it down would've been better.

These past weeks tasted the same as the time when I didn't care to pay any bills or make any money, became almost homeless and still am paying those debts.

I want my brain to stop sabotaging everything I do or don't do, I just wanna live in peace and graduate

No. 264799

Just a question

Does anyone with eating issues sometimes think they’ve eaten things when they haven’t? Maybe that sounds weird but like. Say I don’t eat breakfast and then log my calories for lunch and the “breakfast” slot is empty. I’ll panic that I did actually eat something but I can’t remember.

No. 264801

I'm glad my response could be of some comfort. I understand that feeling of expecting the worst even when you're enjoying yourself at times.

My boyfriend struggled with an unstable childhood. Despite all of it, he has grown to be a very hard working young man who is very kind. At one point I told him how I admired him for being so well rounded but he dismissed that and told me he was afraid and bitter for a good portion of his life. He felt the same way you and I do. It was a process that took a great deal of time.

I'm trying to follow the same steps he had taken but he told me the most important thing is to sit down and read when everything becomes too much or my fears overwhelm me. Taking time to feel yourself in the time you're currently in helps move those worries along.

No. 264805

The problem with benzos for anxiety is you take them and all of a sudden life is on easy mode. That feeling is very addictive. If you have any way at all to access Cognitive Restructuring, a cognitive behavioural therapy intervention then please do. There’s even workbooks and stuff to guide you through. I found the book “overcoming low self esteem: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques” by Melanie Fennel really helpful for getting on top of my social anxiety.

No. 264816

i would definitely be interested to hear how it goes for you!

youve put words to my fear. i have looked at trying CBT by myself before but i get overwhelmed trying to choose a workbook. i found your recommendation on libgen, so i'll give it a try. tyvm nona ♥

No. 264995

I don't feel comfortable enough to open my with therapists about thoughts that hurt me. I don't like to cry in front of them. Therapy never really helps me because of that.
There are a lot of things I feel ashamed to discuss.
Thinking about quitting it against all advice because of this. I may rely solo on meds.
Also, I am depressed again. I hate this. I feel lonely.

No. 265014


Stay away from benzos. Seriously. It's not worth the brain damage. They should never be taken long term anyways.

No. 265038

Do you ever bring that into therapy? Meta, I know. Try telling your therapist about how even therapy doesn’t feel emotionally safe for you. Their response will go two ways - a response that helps you feel more able to share and therefore move forward and progress, or a response that doesn’t (in which case, good time to find a new therapist).

No. 265076

I can only agree with nona, don't take benzos, I've witnessed some fellow females taking them, as doctors in my country happily prescribe them to women, and every single one had a tough time getting away from them. Benzos are highly addictive and if there is any other way you could think of, go for that.

thank you for that book advice, I guess a lot here can use something like that.

No. 265256

the only reason i've never tried them before is because i'm afraid of brain damage and addiction but i'm at the point where i'm weighing those risks against how indescribably lonely it is not even being able to casually talk to my own immediate family members. i haven't engaged with any of my friends except in text form in a really long time. i have seen several different therapists, but most of the time i freeze up and can't speak, and they just stare at me in silence for a long time, and after the session ends i leave feeling humiliated and never go back. i haven't always been THIS shy. i had lots of friends and even got married to a genuinely wonderful nigel when i was younger, otherwise i'd be living with my parents or on the streets now (plus it's only with his active moral support that i even make doctor appointments in the first place).
when i'm around other people sometimes i feel like my body just doesn't work anymore. i can't open my mouth to speak no matter how badly i want to. i can't lift my arm to touch someone's shoulder. i can't hug someone hello or good-bye. i know what i want to say, but i can't say it. it sounds scary when i describe it like that but it's more frustrating, and i just feel sad about it.
i hope i don't sound like i'm trying to convince myself to try benzos. i'm very, very scared of them, and you nonas are not making me less scared lol. it's been very comforting to type this out so i'll go ahead and post it instead of deleting it for once.

No. 265301

The benefit of using benzos in your case - used short term - is that they will show you how life can be without your anxiety. Hopefully that reminder can help motivate you (and allow you to access, cos going to therapy can be scary) to do the therapeutic work needed to get there drug free! Get as small a prescription you can and don’t fuck with them too long. You do sound like you have a healthy fear of the risks though.

No. 265481

that's something I though about as well, I don't want to put the focus on past issues. Guess I will just wear short sleeves whenever I'm ready.

maybe I notice them on other people all the time because I'm so used to mine, I will see the smallest scar on another persons body. You are probably right and most people just don't notice and care.

I don't think I want to cover them anymore and even light fabric is too warm for my liking, everything above 18°C isn't cold enough for me, kek and I couldn't even think straight last week while wearing covering clothes at 30°C. Sadly, I can't stand the feeling of linen on my skin, but I will get some very light viscose or cotton shirts to put over when people on the bus are just too much to handle.

sad that you health care system is as fucked up as the German one by now. Don't let them push you away, you obviously need help and you deserve it. I have the feeling we both self harm for very similar reasons, everything you wrote is something I could have written myself. Especially the part that it's something that no one can take away from you, it took my years to understand where this feeling came from and why I felt that self harm is the only thing that I can control and that it's the only thing that no one can take away from me. If you feel like relapsing or just need to vent, come back here and write, I understand that you don't want to bother your friends with that and I fear that finding a therapist might take some more time.

No. 267420

So apparently according to this neurologist I just saw, the reason I'm a loser is that I have a personality disorder (no doubt about it tbh) but it's "probably BPD". The fuck? I went there because I wanted to know if I had ADHD or not. I've never ever suspected that I have BPD or any other cluster B disorders, maybe cluster C but not this… what the fuck.
He told me that due to my disorder I'm "Not Like Other 20-something year old Girls" so that has consequences. The way he said it felt like he was calling me defective or something, a failed person or a failed woman. That hurt. I really don't like categorizing people as having personality "disorders" in general.
Also he tried to convince me that I need to take meds to get better regardless of the EEG results cuz apparently "there are no side effects". He compared it to the side effects of wearing a face mask that made a lot of people be against wearing them, he even compared it to the "side effects of wearing your jacket like you're doing right now". Exceuse me, what the hell? How the fuck is that similar to being concerned about the side effects of fucking drugs to treat mental illnesses? This is not just sertraline we're talking about, and I've taken sertraline before and even that made me experience nasty withdrawal symptoms for a long while. We're talking about drugs, chemicals fucking with my brain, for fuck's sake. I think I have the right to be afraid of taking those kinds of meds but of course the average doctor gotta shill meds to fix any problem instantly despite the very real and dangerous side effects.
I don't know what kind of drugs are used to treat BPD or whatever personality disorder I "have" or what the side-effects are. Does anyone here have any experience with those?

Yes, I'm upset about this diagnosis. i really don't feel like BPD explains my situation as well as ADHD, but I also don't want to be retarded and self-diagnose with something too extreme when I don't really have it.
I'm going to have an EEG done in about two weeks.
Do you think I should see a psychiatrist or someone else before my next appointment next month, to get a second opinion? My mother really trusts this guy because he's allegedly the best neurologist in the city and has treated a couple of our relatives. And he's kinda expensive so she doesn't want to waste our money either.

No. 267422

how bizarre… i'm sorry you're going through this. i find that among therapists, (which, isn't he a neurologist? somehow i feel like he doesn't have jurisdiction here??), BPD has been a "catch-all" diagnosis for women in particular. if you have the finances, i would definitely go to a psychiatrist and get their opinion. at least they'll be able to cover the bases of what it actually means to have BPD and evaluate whether it's applicable to your life.

No. 267427

>which, isn't he a neurologist? somehow i feel like he doesn't have jurisdiction here??
Yeah, I wanted to see a psychiatrist, not this guy. Specifically a psychiatrist who is familiar with ADHD. But my mom and aunt thought that since he's really good at what he does, his opinion would be valuable.
>BPD has been a "catch-all" diagnosis for women in particular
Yes, that's what I was afraid of. Autism, ADHD and other disorders are harder to detect in women because we don't have exactly the same symptoms as men or are better at "masking". And the worst part is that most people, including my family, aren't aware of that, so they wouldn't believe me if I told them that maybe this doctor is overlooking something like that, or that most doctors are biased or uninformed about certain things.
I also forgot to tell him some things about myself. Such as that I'm really distant with people and rarely show affection, or that when people talk to me, even when I watch videos, I tend to stop listening, because certain words remind me of things, and then I end up following a train of thought or daydreaming, and in the end I end up getting confused because I missed a chunk of the other person's explanation but I don't ask them to repeat it out of shame (it actually happened today). Or that I'm usually clumsy and scatterbrained because I'm always thinking about so many things. Or that I multi-task a lot and have a million unfinished tasks. I find it kind of weird how he didn't say that some of my symptoms are more common now thanks to the internet//smartphones or something like that, he just told me "you don't have ADHD, you have BPD".
Idk, I never considered BPD, I might just be in denial. I don't think I have a fear of abandonment (rather, I'm extremely afraid of hurting or disappointing people so I isolate myself a lot), but the "irritable" thing kinda rings true because sometimes I get really upset about trivial things such as people eating some food I was saving for later, and get easily annoyed when there's too much noise or people are being too loud, but that might be my menstrual cycle. That's another thing, I think the menstrual cycle also makes it harder to properly diagnose women. It's only recently that I've been keeping track of my mood changes and menstruation that I've realized it really does affect me a lot emotionally on certain days. And of course there's also female socialization.
And also there's a lot of disorders that become "popular" sometimes. Maybe they're diagnosing so many women with BPD because it's being talked about a lot. Who knows.

At any rate, the EEG should provide an accurate assessment. But even then, I'm afraid of him interpreting it however he wants.

No. 267531

nta, but I remember when I was younger (around 16 or so), I had many friends that self harmed. Every single one of them got the diagnosis BPD, none of them fit the description and they were also too young to be diagnosed with BPD, but because they self harmed it had to be BPD. That's one of the reasons I never looked for help for my own self harm and other issues, I just knew they would tell me I have BPD and that's the least true thing for me. As far as I would self diagnose I would say my mental health issues are a result of PTSD, ADHD, depression and PMS, still, I'm sure everyone would think I have BPD because if you cut, you have to have that disorder. "Fun" fact, saw a documentary once about a psychiatrist and he told that he only needs to see the left arm of a patient and after that knows if they have BPD or not. That statement made me sad and angry and took me even further away from seeking help, after all, what should you expect if professionals are just that lazy and stupid.
If you feel that BPD is the wrong diagnosis for you, you will probably be right and from the way you describe yourself you don't sound like anyone with that illness. For me it really sounds more like ADHD and I wish you all the best to find another person that might be able to help you.

No. 267805

That doctor is either ignorant about the side effects of the drugs he prescribes or he lies to patients about side effects to increase the number of prescriptions he writes (to get kickbacks from the drug company). Get a first opinion, his is worthless.

No. 267824

Thank you for your reply. I didn't think I had BPD, but since that day I've been internalizing it and comparing my behavior to the common symptoms. At first I was sure that I didn't have them, but now I'm starting to doubt myself and to believe that the things I blamed on some other underlying cause are actually due to BPD. I hope it's just the power of suggestion and tendency of humans to see themselves in everything, but now I'm not so sure it's NOT BPD at all, it could also be a combination of that and ADHD. Hopefully these symptoms can be explained by something else. Being given the label of "BPD" makes me feel like shit as if my personality was the cause of all my problems (that's how he made me feel, at least; it's not supposed to describe the patient, but only their behavior at a given time, right? But he talked to me as if it was my fault for being like this). He didn't even interview me properly and he's already reaching conclusions.

Thank you, I agree, it's not like doctors are perfectly honest and ethical all the time. Seems to me that he wants to solve my issues as quickly as possible through meds instead of allowing me to pick another option. Let's see if I can find a good psychologist.

No. 267837

I have really debilitating problems with paranoia, and when I'm stressed out with life events like work it compounds and gets worse. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but when I'm manic I am still "self-aware" enough to realize that I'm blowing things out of proportion- however, the fear and paranoia do not go away even when I am able to acknowledge this. My paranoia is about anything and everything, but mainly it's about people "taking revenge" against me or "coming after me" for reasons I can't articulate. does anyone else with a manic disorder experience this? how do you help yourself?

No. 267839

Part of me agrees women are overdiagnosed with BPD. Part of me also feels like many (likely BPD/HPD) women are choosing a diagnosis and want autism because it's cute lol

No. 267851

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I wonder if I'm schizo, I have a family history of it. I've been diagnosed with aspergers (please don't throw a shit fit about how it's not a recognized disorder in the DSM anymore, that is what they gave me initially), but I do a lot of lateral thinking, though I can do intense obsessive deep dives too. People generally don't understand my train of thought and don't understand what I'm getting at. I say one thing, people seem to hear something completely different. So I'm generally quiet, because I'm afraid of being misinterpreted or weirding people out. At work it helps me find creative solutions for problems other people cannot fix. It helps me read and understand weird books, but it's difficult to explain it to others. I'm also really paranoid. I've asked therapists several times over a 10 year period and I've been told over and over again that I'm not delusional, so I got that going for me. But I do think I'm pretty close to it, sometimes. When does my hatred and fear of men become a delusion? When is my distrust of the government too much? I used to have what I would call "loud thoughts", but those disappeared and haven't come back since I took shrooms a very long time ago. The shrooms weren't a horrible idea, because they seemed to have cancelled out an episode I had. I have noticed that I have a cycle of years of functioning perfectly fine and passing as neurotypical and then having some sort of burnout where I get paranoid and withdraw from everyone, usually it's triggered by intense stress or physical illness. I would describe the inside of my mind like picrel. Even when talking about simple history and stuff everyone would agree with, I manage to make it sound like a conspiracy theory and I kinda hate it. On the other hand I love seeing connections everywhere and I feel like it helps me understand the world better. Like following a red thread all throughout history up until modern times, when other people freak out at me and say that it's completely unrelated and I'm insane for seeing any connections. I love literature, films, videogames and other works with a lot of symbology, because it's like a fun treasure hunt finding all the references, but I don't necessarily assign special meaning to it.

No. 267852

I literally have the same thing. Like the same symptoms as you.

No. 267853

File: 1654252656380.jpg (36.6 KB, 564x564, eca2bb56b0fe7a9507be6dd6493536…)

Has anyone ever told you what it could be, or are you as clueless as I am?

No. 267862

You're right, it seems women with actual BPD/HPD are able to manipulate their way around therapy to get the diagnosis that suits them (not always autism) and then women who are legitimately autistic get wrongfully diagnosed with HPD, which is basically just the professional way of "you're doing it all for attention". I really wish they taught how to spot liars when training therapists and psychiatrists

No. 267869

File: 1654261124784.jpeg (37.5 KB, 548x560, E158EA59-2820-4435-8431-2A4D42…)

I’ve been feeling increasingly paranoid over the last several months around men. Its like I’m the main character in repulsion, I feel like I’m surrounded by men who want to hurt me and if I don’t have my guard up 24/7 I’m gonna get got. It’s gotten especially bad during the Heard/Depp trial, listening to normal basic men open their mouths and the listening to the most horrific misogynistic vitriol fall out.
I haven’t had sex in six months since I broke up with my boyfriend. I got pretty close with a guy I went on a few dates with but the whole experience was so awkward and uncomfortable I ended up panicking and breaking it off with him a few days later. It’s like all my desire is gone for real men and I’m only days away from devoting my life to my husbandos.
I just feel like I’m on the way down a blackpilled radfem/femcel tunnel and I don’t know how to get out of it. Nonnas who lead functional successful lives, fucking how? How do you not collapse in despair at the state of the world around you?

No. 267885

i know it's practically a meme but there's a lot of research going into how microdosing certain kinds of shrooms has aided in paranoia or other mental health issues, so maybe it's a sign you did kind of help yourself on accident at one point.

also tbh, your symptoms just sound like str8 up normal autism, just less "function" to some capacity. I do some of this too and I've met more autistic women lately who do it as well. I especially relate to finding the patterns/connections that on face seem completely unconnected and other people think im going batshit when I mention it.

No. 267920

This thing happens to me where if someone hurts me or offends me I end up hating or having feelings of extreme hatred towards everyone in a group. If I feel like I was mistreated or like someone is even slightly abusive towards me I close down inside of myself and I become very passive aggressive towards everyone and like I'm in a world of predators being a prey and I see even those that don't hurt me as evil because they did not help me or they did not stand up for me when I was let's say mistreated

No. 267929

Lolcow has made me even more paranoid about becoming someone's personal laughing stock and isolate myself further because I know I have lolcowish traits myself due to my mental illness and and I still keep browsing, kek. So scared of posting unless I'm completely drunk like now. Just schizotypal things I guess.

No. 267950

File: 1654295654601.jpg (103.92 KB, 1080x801, Screenshot_20220603-015841__01…)

I don't discuss with anyone due to the fact I would be sent to a psych ward, but I've had a gutteral feeling I am not from this dimension or another period in time since childhood. I don't exactly believe I am a reincarnation, but that I am a different person all together on another timeline that is playing at the exact same time as this life I am living now, and the one I am living now I am not entirely a part of and can see into the other. I am very familiar with this culture despite not being raised in it or learning much about it in this lifetime. What I know about it guides my political and financial decisions and they have been correct every time. I'm afraid I've been ignoring that voice and may pay for it dearly because I knew the manufactured hardships we are experiencing now we're going to happen and I had time to prep. I don't have long now. I could have done more to help others. I feel overwhelmed by starting. If I were to be open I'd be perceived as schizophrenic or downright racist/an appropriator.

No. 267956

>i know it's practically a meme but there's a lot of research going into how microdosing certain kinds of shrooms has aided in paranoia or other mental health issues, so maybe it's a sign you did kind of help yourself on accident at one point.
Oh yeah I mentioned it to a psychiatrist at one point, was completely transparent with her about everything. She didn't bat an eye and just said that's good and I could try it again if I get another episode, so cool I guess? She also had me volunteer with some research stuff.
>also tbh, your symptoms just sound like str8 up normal autism, just less "function" to some capacity. I do some of this too and I've met more autistic women lately who do it as well. I especially relate to finding the patterns/connections that on face seem completely unconnected and other people think im going batshit when I mention it.
It would be cool if it's just 'tism, but I honestly think I'll never stop waiting for the other shoe to drop though. I have to be really careful about getting enough sleep, or I know things will go wrong. I've even used low dose anti psychotics off-label for months to sleep better. I'm really worried about turning out like my mother or my great grandmother.

No. 267977

Get selfish. What do you want out of life? What do you value? What actions can you take to reflect your values and desires? Fill your life with what you want your life to be full of.
I work out because I value being healthy and I don’t want to be dependent on a corrupt for profit medical system.
I’m learning a second language because the demography of my community is changing and I value communication.
Whatever it is find time for it. Any time you find yourself doomscrolling engage with a value or desire. Don’t let them trick you into becoming a frothing raging mess, it wastes your time and you can’t do anything about their stupid shit anyway. Focus on you, what do you want? How do you get it? Try starting small and working from there.

No. 267985

you're not alone anon, i've had the same feeling but i don't have much of a social presence. that's the difference. it's not unheard of for anons to be share similar traits to cows, but the difference is that social presence. if you aren't sperging online 24/7 or catching peoples attentions somehow, you're fine. nobody actually cares about every cringey person to exist. i hope that reassurance helps you feel more at ease, you'll be ok anon

No. 268035

most cows are not just cringey but genuinely the scum of the earth. like the few horrorcows w/o disgusting personalities in the ed thread are just pitied vs the other pedo anachans. no one will spend that much attention on or a-log you irl if you are a decent person

No. 268037

Hell yeah nonnie, I love this for you

No. 269973

Does anyone of you know what the best therapy for someone having mental health issues mainly because of a narcissistic mother would be? It takes ages to get a spot in my country, so I don't want to waste my time looking for the wrong form of therapy, I've just reached the point where I don't think I (and my brother) can work this out all alone, it's just too damn much.

No. 270017

I'm working on something like that with my therapist and she specializes in a mix of humanistic and cognitive behavioral therapy, mostly humanistic; maybe look into it?

No. 270392

I have lots to unpack.

I stopped therapy, meds and all that. I ghost most doctors now that specialize in bullshit therapy. I just take vitamins now but now look at the consequences : I take antidepressants since I'm 12, the whole cult is awful. I went to the psych ward against my will so many times. I have more trauma about psych shit than my own former trauma lol. My eyesight sank, I'm practically blind without glasses and wearing glasses gives me headache.

I am openly anti psychiatry and I can't stress enough how this cult does more harm than good. I'd rather tell someone to kill themselves than to take therapy.

Then on my more mental health side but it's also belonging more in the sexual orientation thread, it's always been here but I feel like I keep dating ugly/unconventionally attractive men. Each time i get told that I deserve better but at the same time, I'll be honest with nonas, a handsome man is too anxious to keep or to approach, especially since I'm average looking and called sometimes cute. I had an only woman friend group but I left it because one of the girls told me that maybe I'm a closet lesbian and using 3-4/10 men to cope.

No. 270756

I have a strong feeling I'm on the spectrum somewhere and my mother hid this my whole life because she didn't want to believe her only child could be defective. She would tell me from about age 7 onward that I'm just an angry kid or that I'm only trying to copy others whenever I said I felt like something was wrong in my head. I was put through various forms of therapy from elementary to middle school which I always thought was the school taking action cause I was doing something wrong, I never heard a peep about any of it from my mom back then. I would just be surprised by these people every so often saying they wanted to have a chat with me and things like that. The annoying thing is that I wasn't an angry child, I was a confused one who dealt with conflict (internal or otherwise) by getting defensive and acting tough - guess where I learned that from? Anyway, I think her scheduling these sessions was less about trying to get me help and more about finding out if I was talking about her behind her back or hiding anything from her that she could then use as leverage against me in later situations. She has always been obsessed with that kind of thing. I'm willing to bet all of these therapists gave her opinions on my mental health and possible treatments to seek but since heeding their advice would mean acknowledging things she didn't want to hear she chose to disregard, then shame me whenever I mentioned wanting help in the years after that.

I'm over 30 now and have tried seeking help through my constantly worsening mental state to no avail, likely because I would always specify only anxiety/depression due to minimal understanding of other possibilities (I only learned about spectrum disorders within the past few years for example). I'm currently trying to work up the nerve to see an actual specialist now that I feel I've pinpointed my potential issues, whether it really is something on the spectrum or not I'm confident that I'm on the right track in seeking help from someone knowledgeable in these areas specifically. I just want to know who I am for once in my life. I want to convince the nagging voice of my mother in my brain that I have been in need of help for so long, and that I do deserve it. I feel like a dumbass for letting myself deteriorate so much from being afraid of what my narc of a parent would think but I guess we all start somewhere.

Thanks for reading and I hope all of you nonnies are having a wonderful day. I feel a lot better after venting this out.

No. 270779

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why cant i do nice things for people without my brain being evil about it?
i want to do things for people. a friends birthday is coming up, and i had an idea that i'd draw her something stupid and sweet, but i keep thinking about how she could use this against me in the future, how she wont appreciate it, how she'll try to manipulate me if i show any sort of vulnerability.
shes a nice person; i know–or i think that she wouldnt do any of these things, but i flinch up anyway and the more 'vulnerable' gestures i give always end up hurting me later on.

sometimes i really think i wasnt made for any human relationships. its all complicated–people want something out of their relationships, even myself, but i cant ever figure out what is wanted… this has lead me backwards through a long string of all my past relationships; all the patterns are still the same.

i see lots of people that say life is about love & connection over and over but i just cant get ever get things to work. i cannot love it when it is here, i cannot love it when its passing.

how do you be happy alone? how do you stop being horrified at being alone–or with others, or with yourself?

No. 270870

Self sabotage. I suffer from this as well. Anytime anything goes well I [subconsciously] try to fuck it up or make it seem like it will go wrong because I feel like things can't be going that well for me, can they? You are always going to be your own biggest critic because it's your voice echoing in your head 24/7.

The problem is in whatever scenario we tend to rationalize the worst possible route it could go; Ex- I make something for my friends birthday, immediately thinks about the most negative situation >she will hate it and try to use this against me in some way

Vid related really helped me out to think about these situations more rationally. Basically take any scenario and write out the best, worst, and most probable conclusions. Most if the time negativity speaks louder than any positive thoughts, it's important to reroute our thinking to get out of this habit of thinking of the worst without possible solutions for the problem.

No. 270993

File: 1655636789303.jpg (21.16 KB, 500x398, ec79d2e0d026d70d5b8c88a05e0c64…)

I almost sure that I have Avoidant personality disorder. Can you nonnies share you experience with it and what steps you took to improve please ?

No. 270996

Just getting out of my comfort zone. Go to meetups, meet new people, give them my contacts even if my inner voice is screaming 'noooo don't let them iiin!!'

No. 270997

Thanks for answering! I don't really know how I could do something like that tbh. Did you go to therapy first or you just went for it ? What kind of meetups did you try ?

No. 271141

>be bpdfag (diagnosed) anachan (diagnosed) with a bmi of 15 or under for the last year, possible psychotic symptoms in words of therapist
>have weird perceptions of own body and can't stand seeing anyone thin even if they're normal looking enough
>almost have a meltdown because friend says ariana grande looks cute and i worry she's thinner than me, pretty much ready to explode in anger, scratch up arms so i can eat
>immediately start purging after seeing fakeboi in ftm thread who isn't a whale
>convinced anyone online who's artistic never eats anything, spend precious time tracking down their selfies to disprove this
>time my eating so i only eat at "lucky numbers"/times such as the numbers of my ex friend's birthdays and ages

i don't like this.

No. 271313

I dunno if this is the right thread but I need some opinions as my brain is incapable of being rational.
I’m not diagnosed with anything but I am getting worse and don’t know what it is I’m doing to make it that way.
In a nutshell I feel socially inept (not autism). I can’t make small talk, I don’t know how to make normal conversation without coming off as a complete weirdo. I overshare, I say whatever comes into my head to break silences. I have no friends, but a few acquaintances. When I hang out with them I end up embarrassing myself with said social ineptness and it makes me want to hide in my room forever.
I never used to be like this, I feel like it’s ruining my life and I’ve regressed into some child like state and the only way I can cope is if I shut myself out. It’s starting to affect my job too.
Can anyone give me any insight as to why I’m like this right now and how I can overcome it??

No. 272108

File: 1656208777520.jpg (90.08 KB, 800x450, 9.jpg)

Lately I became extremely indecisive and impulsive at the same time. Similar to buying and returning something on repeat, or typing and deleting, but on a larger scale. I barely managed to save my stupid ass. What could it be?! Sudden hormonal issue? How can I control this and stop myself, but also not begin to simply avoid making decisions?

No. 272694

i really apologize if this isnt the thread for this kind of nonsense, but nonnas, i genuinely dont know how much longer i can do this for.
i dont think its ever been this bad. the days are stretching on forever and i just continue to deteriorate. i dont know whats happening to me, im cynical about everything, i ignore my friends for weeks. each day spirals into the next, i live only to sleep. i dont eat, i dont go out, i dont talk to people. there is nothing that appeases me except sleeping. i don't know what to do with myself. i do not have plans for my future–i never thought id make it this far.
over and over again i circle to the same conclusions, and each time i circle back it becomes more and more bleak. i circle to my past ambitions; goals and they become bleak. i dont care anymore. i go for walks and my neighborhood makes me nauseous, i come back home and my room makes me nauseous. i live with my family; i am surrounded by the people who ruined–and continue to ruin–my life every single day. theyre still abusing me. i am still as powerless as i was when i was a child. it comes back to haunt me, it wont let me go. i dont know what to do. i want to believe in a future but every time i think about it, the concept of a future becomes completely out of reach, some sort of fiction. i dont want to be alive. there is nothing for me here. whatever there might've been–the dreams of escaping, survivng when i was a child are gone. i just dont know what to do. i dont feel good any of the time.
i dont know what i gain from writing this–expression or solace or something–but i dont know where else to put it. god knows that i have tried to carry it within me.

No. 272697

Been there nona. I don't have much advice to offer and I know that's not helpful at all but in my case it kinda just got better eventually somehow. Do you think you can find a job or something to keep you busy? Hang in there.

No. 272742

I feel you, I've been there, too and like nona before, it got better. Best thing was getting away from my family, I still had days where I would just stay in bed and wouldn't be able to do anything and I'm still ignoring friends (I never learned to trust anyone, so having human interaction is hard), but I have an idea of what I want in my life again, a goal, a stupid, small goal, but it keeps me going somehow. Honestly, I thought I would never make it past 21, one reason my life is a mess right now and I'm working on stuff so late in life, but here I am, still alive, over 10 years later, most of the time not even feeling suicidal anymore.
Is there any chance for you to get away from your family, it feels like that would be the best thing you could do for your mental health and future.

No. 272828

I have ptsd, panic disorder, and mdd. I used to really struggle as a teen and had issues with selfharm pretty bad. I went to therapy for a long time and started running and taking care of myself, which helped so much. I was able to keep a stable job at a daycare and I even got married. Now I'm pregnant and suffering some complications with my pelvis making it impossible for me to exercise at all let alone work or really get out of bed. the last few weeks I've been suffering so much I feel suicidal. My husband and I had to move in with my family because I can't work anymore and he is switching careers due to just graduating school (we are so broke and I don't have health insurance besides medicaid) I'm having all of these health issues pop up leading to $2k dental bills, physical therapy, etc. to even consider paying for counseling again. At night sometimes I just hyperventilate and cry because I'm scared to sleep through my nightmares. My husband and I have such a strained relationship because he isn't able to provide stability for us and he doesn't know how to console me in the least. He just stopped trying and I don't blame him. I'm struggling to eat or drink water everyday. I dont shower or take care of myself anymore and I don't know how I will function with an infant if I still feel this way. My family has been completely pretending I don't even exist because they don't want to deal with me.. I don't know how I went from doing the best I've ever done for years to this… at such an important time for me to be functional. I have no idea how to cope and no one is really here for me emotionally at all. I feel so alone and hopeless.

No. 274818

Basically the only thing that I liked I cant do anymore which is sleep. I want to rope so much I hate it. Nothing ever gets better.

No. 275054

Any other anons in therapy or on meds from a young age and feel like it fucked them up and are worse off now?
I was in therapy since I was a toddler and it got instilled in me that it was good and ok to talk about my feelings. But since I was a retarded kid with no social skills I thought that rule applied to everyone and everything. So I constantly overshared and trauma dumped on people thinking it was the ok thing to do.
Now, because I've had so many embarrassments and mistakes in my life because of my emotions and oversharing I try my best to go in the opposite direction with people and keep everything surface level. I hate it, but I feel like it's repentance for all my retardation in the past.
I've always envied robotic people with no emotions because it seems their lives are genuinely easier. I try to larp as them but I can never keep it up. I feel like I'm being disingenuous to myself but I also feel that it's the 'right' way to be. I fucking hate that I learned about muh emotionz at such a young age.

No. 275243

I've never been to therapy (should have, but was/is complicated), but I learned to be one of those robotic people, I can hide my emotions pretty good and no one will notice what's really going on inside me. What I just wanted to tell you, it's not a good way to live, it's not easier and not healthier and you don't feel better. There was never a place in my family to show emotions, still isn't, I just learned from a very young age that emotions are there to manipulate people (thanks to my mother for that) and that's about it. I think a way inbetween would be the best solution, being able to feel and show emotions towards people you trust and controlling what you show to people you don't know. I'm working on that right now and it's okay and it feels better to tell the good people in your life what you are really feeling instead of acting like everything is fine and nothing will spark any feelings inside of you. If you have the chance, maybe try that? And maybe take a break from therapy, if you are in a position that it won't be a danger to yourself.

No. 282612

It feels like I wrote this myself. I feel the same way. Recently I've been trying to at least talk to friends once a week and text back old school buddies. I tried working out but it honestly takes all my energy and I end to isolating afterwards. I still feel like I'm sinking but it's slowed. There's at least a small part of me that feels like I should keep trying.
Have you gotten your health checked, nonnie? Vitamin deficiencies can make a lot of these feelings worse.

No. 282856

Being put on medication as early as middle school fucked up my mental development.

No. 286382

Is my first time taking Lexapro on a while and holy shit it hitting me so fucking badly.
I'm so nauseated and dizzy, and I just want to throw up. This has never happened before, at most I only got asleep, but this feels like hell.
I thought this was supposed to make me feel better, but I just want to throw up and curl on the floor right now.

No. 286391

Are you tapering onto it slowly? I use to break up pills and take tiny doses to ease in real slow. Some pills you shouldn't break because it affects the absorption rate but most of them you can.

No. 286637

File: 1662701789092.jpeg (35.57 KB, 800x652, 9A4FA7B8-98B8-462F-8DB1-74004B…)

I have learned I am bipolar, pmdd, with pcos and autism. I recently suffered a seizure from which I sustained a brain injury. During this period of time when I was unable to speak or fend for myself during the seizure I was supposed to be taken to hospital but my family did not believe in hospitals given they were deep in conspiracy theories and I now deal with severe migraines, sensitivity to lights and overstimuli and pain/tinnitus in my inner ears. The kicker is they have acknowledged they were to blame when they realized the full extent of brain injury. Where I used to be a musician, I can no longer focus on music or play most pieces from beginning to end. Just a year ago I had regained a love for music, only a year later to struggle to remember basic lyrics or focus on a music sheet. I am able bodied and used to work strong, now I cannot hold down jobs as well as I used to. I struggle daily with suicidal ideation. I hope I’m not sounding like I’m complaining. These are a series of diagnoses I have received in the last few years and understanding this shitty puzzle I am putting together, i am still in childbearing age and I choose not to bear children for the full understanding I may not be fit to be a mother. I am pressured daily to bear children and judged by older, deeply narcissistic women in my husband’s family who have openly neglected their own children well into adulthood. I do try to see the better sides of life, my partner is finally understanding I have had a series of things completely out of control fucking up my body and my drive, has never pressured me in terms of children, and I have the rest of my health, even if my anatomy seems to be working against me. I have words, even if they are a little jumbled and I know what I am trying to say, I am surviving and continue to take care of our animals and search for jobs and earn money where I can.
But I am dying on the inside and wish it were possible to disappear and remove the burden of existence or at least be socially acceptable to punch people in the fucking mouth when they’ve asked too many questions and it comes close to your personal health. I don’t know that it would help but I am certain it would feel nice in the moment at the very least. I am afraid I am becoming defunct and it shouldn’t be anybody’s business.
Sorry about this ramble and thank you for coming to my Ted talk. I have now not slept or eaten in the last 48 hours because of my fucking period. I have worked full shifts and exercised and still cannot sleep. Please tell me if I am crazy, I can take it.

No. 286667

No. 286681

File: 1662722241670.jpg (25.06 KB, 480x480, e7_picture_7805ef5d.jpg)

>be with the love of my life for 4 years
>randomly leaves me for another woman
>initially tries to blackmail me to let her visit my home
>brings her over while im abroad, feel violated
>feel betrayed, like i have nothing worth living for
>is still living in my home
>he finds me with a plastic bag, helium and completely blue
>finally get a psychiatrist following the hospital admission
>im seeing the psychiatrist who specialises in BPD on tuesday

i am violently, passionately and desperately in love with him. I just want this fucking nightmare to be over.

i cant even function. i am completely despaired. i have no reason to live at this point. i want to leave, rent the house out and move back in with my mum while i heal, but idk if i should do that.

No. 286682

Moving out of there and in with your mom is the right thing to do and I think you know it. Best of luck nonna, I'm sonsorry you're hurting like crazy. Remember that you will feel better and this is temporary and will pass.

No. 286697

I think moving out and having the support of a close family member is one of the best things you could do

No. 286738

No sarcasm- this helped. I am fucked. Thanks.

No. 286750

dont respond to this baiter

No. 286760

why did you post this lmao

No. 286770

Ok I actually read your post and I'm really sorry, no cap. Seizures are hard, and what your going through sounds terrible. You're going through it though! Doing your best, it must be really hard but you're doing it. I hope you get some good lecithin and maybe a joint. Damn girl. Again I'm really sorry. Maybe this won't be a forever thing.

No. 286784

just go to your mums bib

No. 286907

why didnt your partner take u to the hospital if your family wouldn't

i hope your brain injury will heal over time

No. 286917

I'm just starting back into therapy after many years without it besides group. My first session I was so scatterbrained and closed off, I really don't feel I was able to say hardly anything I wanted to… I'm going to bring a written letter to read because written communication is so much easier and more comfortable for me, I simply cannot stay on track when I speak as my mind goes a hundred miles a minute and I keep thinking of adjacent ideas or explanations and lose track of my original point. Has anyone else done this? I hope it's well received, I'm anxious. I feel that in my first session she would interrupt with commentary that made it harder to keep track, but I understand she's trying to understand what I'm saying better. I just really need to monologue, I hope she lets me and doesn't react poorly, I've heard so many horror stories of bad therapists and I am so scared of strangers (plus the insane wait lists for help in America) that the idea of starting over is already upsetting me.

No. 287192

File: 1662872675891.jpeg (96.52 KB, 750x745, F7647FCF-4703-4ED4-86D2-EA49DC…)

paranoia worsening once again. branched out and got involved with something that re triggered my old feelings. now back to square 1. barely even want to leave the house in my final semester of college and am falling behind in classes

still unable to access meds and still no insurance. cant afford psychiatrist. just going to talk psychologist. starting to feel like a drug addict for missing my meds for a year and a half when im too lethargic to make the effort to find low cost or insuranceless alternatives. in this state there's not a lot. it's literally not my fault that i held onto my parents plan as long as i could aged out and can't afford shit without it eating up half my crap salary! and nobody esp not my parents who are abusive anyway will help me!

No. 287209

everyday i wake up i suffer so much. should i sign off for a bit? idk what to do. i love my job but circumstances have led me to not want to continue there. i hate my house, i hate my life, i hate my face, i hate myself i feel like just breathing is a full time god damn job

am i beyond therapy? am i beyond medication? will i inevitably join the 10%? i seriously wish he had left me to die with my head in that plastic bag.

No. 287285

yawn tell us something new

No. 287614

File: 1663040049050.jpg (57.37 KB, 338x271, 1565312719705.jpg)

i have body dysmorphia and it's absolutely suffocating. if i'm out and i see someone who looks like my ideal self or has one of my ideal traits, i feel this like stomach drop feeling and i just want to disappear. i'm constantly comparing myself to other women but it feels impossible to stop. i hate my height the most which sucks because it's impossible to change. i also compare myself to fictional characters. it feels like my brain is just non-stop trying to make me suffer. i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and i feel embarrassed of how i look, the idea of other girls looking at me and being glad they don't look like me. the worst part is i know i'm normal looking but the part of my brain that makes me feel shit is just more powerful. i'm so exhausted, i just want to be ok with how i look. this is just a ramble but man i feel like shit.

No. 287650

Anyone else here with misophonia? It’s making me want to kill myself. My mother’s voice has slowly become a new trigger for me and it’s becoming difficult for me to be around her at all. I feel awful because I don’t hate her as a person, I just want to kill myself whenever I’m near her because she makes so many disgusting noises. Wtf do I do.

No. 287652

I have misophonia and the biggest thing that worked for me are loop earplugs. Granted you’ll likely have to give some sort of an explanation to family members about why you’re wearing them but they’re designed to muffle background noises without totally blocking out sound. In my case I find that they dull a lot of “gross” noises.

No. 288180

Finally blocked the bpd soapbox guy on TikTok who preaches that bpd people only get upset in direct proportion to abuse… Bro, then it wouldn't be a disorder??? But sure, I guess the bpd "friend" who threatened to kill himself and stalked me for a year because I didn't want to date him after he SA'd me when I was blacked out because I already rejected him, was actually the real victim all along! Jesus. I showed signs of bpd (undiagnosed) before dealing with my childhood trauma and I fully admit being an irrational psycho. Bpd people who lack self awareness scare the shit out of me, but men especially.

No. 288277

I have what seems to be severe PMDD and every month it feels like I'm turning into a fucking depressed werewolf and holyfuckingshit i am annoying the fuck out of myself and my husband because i have literally been crying for a week this time and it's making everything worse. Trying to stay consistent with exercise but fuck. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I wanna rip everyone's face off and I work sales. This shit sucks

No. 288278

Anyone have absolutely no sense of self or know what they look like? I feel like I have no real identity, hobbies nothing. Until other people comment on my body I genuinely don't perceive it. Last year I became really thin and while I realized my clothes didn't fit anymore I didn't see how emaciated I've gotten until other people started asking if I'm sick.

No. 288300

yes. no idea what it stems from or what's wrong with me other than what is probably very low self esteem though

No. 294416

My self esteem is so low I can barely leave the house or look at myself. I’ve gained 50 lbs since I got pregnant and I used to have anorexia. I think it’s partially body dysmorphia but mostly some other sort of mental illnesses or personality crisis. I cry so much and don’t know how to move forward from here. I love my baby so much it has nothing to do with him; I make sure to eat so I can take care of him. I am not engaging in any sort of self harming behaviors. Mentally I am not doing well, though. I think I may have a personality disorder or I’m just extremely boring because my self pity and loathing kind of consume me. I really would like for that to change someday but for now I can’t help it

No. 294431

i have no one to tell this but I'm gonna start medication for adhd today and i have mixed feelings.
i hope it will help obviously but i'm also stressed out about it. i'm worried i'm too dumb to actually pay attention in my classes and just didn't notice until now because my mind would wander after half of it anyway. also i wish i went to a psychologist way earlier, i'm now really deep into my degree with a bunch of shitty half-assed grades that i'm so sure i could've done better on. I wish I went to get my mental health checked out in my first or second semester. realizing I wasted so much time sucks.

No. 294432

I have misophonia too and relate hard. i read somewhere that family will often trigger you worse than other people, and my mom is also the worst for me. I hate her laugh, noises she makes, i can't be in the same room as her when she eats.
My best advice is also wearing earplugs. wish there was more you could do besides earplugs and removing yourself from the situation, but alas

No. 294433

File: 1665998218852.jpg (10.86 KB, 250x250, b9f0f47b69dc4a4fbc7e72efc7ab88…)

Pregnancy is tough nonna, please seek help or support, you don't have to deal with this alone.

No. 294453

I cannot function due to depression (diagnosed at 11, 19 now) and C-PTSD. I was supposed to do a presentation today at college but I didn't show up because I woke up and started crying so I already fucked up my grade for the entire year. I have been wanting to commit sudoku for the past few weeks and got enough alcohol to do so. Of course my life has had good parts but the bad parts take over in my brain despite not having many actual problems. I am afraid this will continue to affect me my entire life and I still have a long way to go. I do have some friends but feel alone in this world. I have no direction, no ambitions, I wish I could just sleep through life. I do not want to die I just don't want to exist. I do not know how to deal with this, I have tried various forms of therapy but it only made it worse (because of my PTSD I'm very stubborn, paranoid and don't want others to have any sort of control over me or have documents on me).

No. 294455

File: 1666013896467.jpg (34.63 KB, 564x564, abcc258487d3072cbd75350af5cbaf…)

Did/do meds help at all? Your brain isn't done with developing yet, so you're not a lost cause or anything close to that. Don't have any suggestions, just don't want you to commit sudoku. There are scrotes out there who actually deserve to die, meanwhile you're probably a very sweet nonna who wants to end it all because your brain is being an annoying retard atm. You deserve better.

No. 294467

Thank you ♥ I do not want to go on medication, I have tried it but it made me emotionless, drowsy and I felt even worse. I don't want to be dependent on something to live my life either, I'd rather be a complete nutjob than a zombie. What happens happens, I'll find a healthy way to deal with it eventually (or maybe not), but we'll see.

No. 294473

I was in your exact same position at your age, and now I'm a completely functioming adult with a bright future and I'm so glad that I wasn't successful in any suicide attempts. More than talk therapy (ineffective because I could not manage to truly open up) or stints medications (ineffective because my trauma was the root cause of my issues, and they often had painfully detrimental side effects on my health), what saved me was reading in order to thoroughly understand my trauma and the effect it was having on me The more knowable what I was experiencing was, the more I became able to grit my teeth and endure until each day became survivable, and then managable, then enjoyable.

Additionally, seeing my experiences reflected in text in a clinical sense, as opposed to anecdotes from fellow sufferers of PTSD, helped me take what was happening to me seriously in a productive way. I don't mean that in a demeaning manner, it's just very easy to overconsume grief over trauma to the point you drown in it and feel helpless.

I can't say the same for anybody else, because each individual is different in what will be effective for them. Maybe you've already tried this, even. But it might help if you haven't. Two common books recommended to people are The Body Keeps the Score and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

No. 294474

sorry for delete-posting but I'm worried that I'll do something and it'll be linked to here and that I'll ruin this site and give it the same reputation like 4chan and I love this site and all the nonnas too much for that, it's already bad enough

No. 294529


No. 294535

>Get put on medication that turns me into psychotic bpdchan and have uncontollable daily mood swings and freakouts
>Have meltdown that leads to dissolution of relationship with boyfriend
Fast forward a few years
>New bf
>Get put on same medication for other health reasons and have no other options
>Oh god not again
>Mood swings happen again
>Why is this happening to me
>Need to stay on meds because they might be my only hope
>Bf becomes disturbed by my mental health issues
>Gives me an ultimatum speech about affecting those around me
>Tell him I'm aware of this but that I need to put my health first and that I'm terrified and don't want to hurt him but I don't know what to do
>Dumps me
Ate me life. Ate meds. Ate unavoidable side effects.

No. 294612

I feel you nonna, my meds make me unstable too, I was a completely different person before I had to start taking them. What is your for?

No. 294661

I was on them before for a mental illness I didn't even have, now it's for a non mental related brain issue that doctors are trying to fix with anti seizure meds.
I'm certainly not perfect off meds and I have my moments but after being a slave to them more than half my life, I realized just how more frequent my outbursts were while being forced to be on them, especially when docs decided I needed to be on new ones. Being off them was freedom. They're like poison to me. I wish people understood that some people are either med resistant or just react poorly to them, that they aren't always the answer. What meds make you unstable anon?
I read too they can cause permanent personality changes too which is frightening, and also makes a lot of sense considering I had a very different personality as a child vs who I am today.

No. 295130

File: 1666358508501.jpg (16.05 KB, 275x274, 1641900933107.jpg)

I have anxiety since I was like 11. I did progress from being an absolute shutdown to a functioning person that can hold conversations with strangers and start new activities with more confidence, all through exposition. Thing is, I'm still hyperalert everyday all day and I release that tension through extreme nail biting and binge eating.
I have been doing CBT for almost year now and expressed to my therapist that I'm kind of at my limit and just exhausted, so she suggested to see a psychiatrist, who prescribed 5/10 mg of Prozac. I'm very conflicted now, because I have progressed honestly a lot (I even achieved two months of not biting my nails) and therapy has been great, but I do feel we haven't focused that much on my anxious thoughts and beliefs, we've been working mostly on the problematic behaviours and some family background.
I came here to ask any of you nonas if you have tried Prozac and what have been your experiences like? I'm concerned of adverse effects or making my journey even more complicated if it doesn't work out for me

No. 295476

Same. In my case it's because of BPD. A sense of self is very much tied to emotional stability, and identity disturbances are a common symptom of BPD. It can manifest as not knowing who you are, what you like, what you look like, not recognizing yourself in the mirror, not perceiving your voice correctly and so on so forth. It's awful. I still haven't found anything that really works to deal with it but I've noticed that since I started going to the gym to work out and build muscle, I've gotten a better sense of bodily awareness and then these things don't affect me as badly on those days.

No. 295513

File: 1666538109895.jpeg (82.96 KB, 682x851, 11168BC3-7E16-4165-A9BC-20A27C…)

Filling out a trauma history form for my therapist has made me wonder just what is wrong with me. I've never experienced or witnessed any situations involving death or violence, or even the threat of it. Yet I've spent my whole life depressed, anxious, psychotic, suicidal. Lots of times I felt I would surely die, but it was only ever in my imagination. I guess the one truly scary situation I've been in was my own aborted suicide attempt, one that I walked away from completely unscathed and without consequence (nobody knew, no medical attention needed). I flunked out of school, cant drive, can't keep a job, got into bad relationships, and now I'm a barely functioning NEET, a complete and total burden to everyone I know and society at large. What happened to me? It feels like there is a huge gap between what I've experienced and the state of my mental health. I don't have any holes in my memory and there is no evidence I was ever abused. Yes I was a lonely kid but not neglected, my parents argued and divorced but there was no physical violence. Tons of people have been through things 100x worse and don't have a fraction of the issues I have. As I see it there is no reason for me to be as fucked up as I am now. Was I just born wrong? Is this what it means to have a personality disorder? I'm thankful I don't have any real trauma because if this is my baseline, God I really would be dead by now. At the same time I wish I could point at a time in my life and say "this is where it all went wrong." Sorry for ranting, I don't expect any real answers or advice. Just wanted to get it out there and see if maybe anyone else felt the same.

No. 295612

File: 1666568874750.jpg (112.12 KB, 1242x1212, IMG_4836.JPG)

My mental health this past year has plummeted after I started a university course that was really difficult to get into and I thought was my dream. Everyone around me was so proud I got in and I thought I had my whole life set at this point (the degree has an 100% employment rate straight after graduating because companies actively request students to work for them). The thing is this course is so demanding that I don’t have time for anything else in my life. I loved playing video games and going out with my friends but I haven’t touched my gaming computer since the start of the year and my friends have stopped talking to me since I can never go out with them. I’m at university all day 7 days a week working and I’ve worked through all of my holidays since they gave us assessments to work on over the break and submit by the start of the next term. The worst part is I’ve found that in my heart I don’t want to work in the career I’m studying towards but I can always get a masters and go a different direction based on what I already know.

This past month has been extra stressful and I went to see the university councillor a few weeks ago after I reached a point I felt so hopeless and suicidal as my auditory and visual hallucinations that are brought on from stress started getting worse. I was a bit too honest with her and she called an ambulance for me to go to the hospital which was a scary experience but I really needed it.

I haven’t gone back to class in 2 weeks since then and I know I’m falling behind but going back there is so overwhelming. I came in yesterday (Sunday) and the first thing I did when I walked into my classroom was cry. The whole time I was working there I was shaking and I feeling so nauseous and so confused because everything is so complicated and no matter how much things are explained to me I don’t get it.

A week ago I also got diagnosed with bipolar II and dealing with that revelation by itself has freaked me out. I’m afraid to tell my parents because I’m unsure how they’ll react so I’ve just bottle it up.

At this point I want to drop out and do an online diploma since I always work better from home and I’ve discovered something else I’m passionate about but I’m so afraid of being seen as a failure and downgrading from a bachelors at a renowned university to some online nobody diploma. I just want to be strong and make my parents proud and function like a normal person but I can’t keep going on like this. Even my psychologist said it would be ‘disappointing’ if I dropped out and I hold so much guilt for being selfish and not being able to push these feelings to the side and carry on.

Sorry I’m rambling at this point I’d just appreciate it if someone told me whether I’m being overdramatic and should be grateful to be at university or I should gamble and do an online diploma from home where my hallucinations aren’t nearly as bad. I just can’t tell what’s right and my head is an absolute mess right now. Thank you nonnies

No. 295621

>>295513 I relate 100% to you nonnie thank you for posting this. I wish I had a good reason for being so unstable aside from inheriting a mood disorder, it just feels stupid and inconsequential compared to when I think of 'real' trauma and struggles. It's just the way our brains work unfortunately, but I just try to work harder to better myself and do something with my life out of spite at the universe and the cards I was dealt I guess.

No. 295632

I'm proud of you for striving to work harder and make the most out of what you can. I hadn't considered genetics but it makes sense that I've inherited some multigenerational mental illness from both sides. I guess its because most everyone else in my family is functional that I didn't think of it that way. Thank you for giving me a new perspective.

No. 297054

I have been diagnosed with adhd(maybe bpd ,diagnose was inclusive and they said theres a high chance of it being adhd)and depression and it has destroyed me years of mental and physical abuse in my home and then when I try to be a normal human I fail at it . I've had a scholarship at a uni but had to let it to go because of the physical abuse at home resulted in me having a broken hand. All my friends went away when they learned about my abusive household . Told my friend I was suicidal and only to be told I wasn't trying hard enough. I'm so tired noonas I've become a hikineet and i don't like it . I want to work I want to live life but the trauma of everything has made me paralysed

No. 297074

Hey nonny. First of all, you are not overreacting. As someone who's been in your shoes, I'm wondering how far along you are in this degree and how long you have left.

No. 297111

I'm almost 1 year into the degree now and it's a 3 year degree. I'm super worried about next year since apparently 2nd year is the most difficult with an even bigger work load and I'm honestly not sure how that's even possible with how much they give us already.

No. 297325

File: 1667441813376.jpeg (7.55 MB, 1661x3051, 35EB888F-FCB6-413E-BFB5-923D52…)

im pretty severely mentally ill but never got any real professional help for it due to growing up to a religious immigrant family who were quite dismissive of psychiatry and also personal shame. i’ve finally come around to entertaining seeing a doctor as i’m extremely suicidal and have been experiencing something i guess might be described as psychosis. i live in the uk and have seen a therapist before but i was underage and lied to get out of it. i’ve heard a lot of horror stories about uk mental health provision. i was just wondering if any uk nonas have any experience with nhs mental health care and how i should go about getting help. i’m thinking of going to my go and just discussing my symptoms, idk if there’s any better way to go about it. thanks in advance nonas. pic kinda related lol

No. 297327

*my gp

No. 297329

Personally i have found gps to be very dismissive and i would attribute it to the fact that I have no idea what my end goal is and I could not communicate my issues without them constantly chalking it up to minor depression without much investigation into something deeper causing it. What i really wanted was a full mental evaluation, but i was put through cbt three times and it didn't work at all and I gave up. There's also a really long waiting list for getting mental diagnoses' and getting done privately is very expensive so it can be very stressful. For the record, i also come from an immigrant family and i have constantly have had my mental health dismissed.

No. 297332

hey thanks for your reply nona. that was what i feared, i live in a city where everything is overrun and waiting lists are extremely long. gps have been really dismissive to me in the past about actual seri