/g/ - girl talk

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Sorry nonnies, I thought I had successfully deleted the thread after I noticed the typo but the April Fool’s CSS got the better of me.

im so glad i never killed myself. i finally dont feel extreme anxiety and depression and panic attacks every day. i feel like a functioning member of society lately but i also feel a lot of emotional blunting. but at the moment idc cuz its better than extreme mental suffering

I just got my hands on my psychiatrist's notes from 2021. She never actually told me my diagnosis, she basically just prescribed me a couple SSRIs which didn't really work, then wrote me a script for Seroquel and sent me on my merry way once I reported an improvement in my symptoms. I self-dx'ed with CPTSD, which seems pretty obvious to me as I had an extremely fucked up life and childhood and was severely abused by my parents.

Anyways, according to her, my diagnosis is as follows:

>Mixed personality disorder with borderline characteristics (?)
>Dysthymia
>Social anxiety

I don't really know what to make of this. I also just got evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD. So, I'm on Seroquel and Vyvanse now. It's definitely easier to function on a daily basis but I still feel really anxious with chronic muscle pain all the time. It really fucking sucks and I feel like I'm unable to live my life on my terms. I've been going to therapy since 2019 but a couple months after I started my best friend killed herself which made everything 100x worse. So, I spent the first few years in therapy trying to dig myself out of that hole, but the pain was truly unbearable and I wasn't coping which forced me to seek psychiatric help. Seroquel helped immensely with my mood and self-destructive behaviours and I continued with therapy, but the progress has been sooo sloooow although I'm definitely on an upward trajectory. There's just so many fucking layers to my trauma and my anxiety is so persistent, I'm so fucking sick of it, I hate feeling so scared all the time. I just wish my body would cooperate, I've tried yoga and mindfulness and shit but the only thing that has ever really worked was living in the woods for two months, which isn't possible for me right now unfortunately. I don't really know what to do at this point, my current psychiatrist brought up Gabapentin or Lyrica but idk. I've been talking to various shrinks for nearly a decade and it seems like no one really knows how to help me. Sorry for the unhinged rant, it's 3:30AM and these psych notes sent me on a crazy spiral.

Damn, so turns out I'm not autistic. I saw the world through an odd lens but that therapist was right about it being my sheltered retarded family. I don't have the sensory issues, adherence to routine, etc. I just figured it couldn't be anything else other than autism because how else can I just repel people like that? But nah.

>>524862
What kind of odd lens do you see the world with? And what mental health symptoms do you have in general? I was diagnosed with autism at a young age but my sensory issues are mild to nonexistent.

I deeply believe that society should be structured to maximize the health and happiness of humans, not the other way around. Probably half of the people I work with have ADHD diagnoses and are on amphetamines because they can’t bear to sit still in a tiny dark cubicle moving pixels around on a screen for 9 hours a day otherwise. But everyone seems to think it’s some personal deficiency and not a sickness of the soul caused by putting a human in conditions that human beings were never designed to thrive in. Similarly, in a professional development seminar a while back the speaker shared how he had seasonal affective disorder and would become progressively more miserable in the winters when he was forced to spend every hour of daylight in closed rooms. But he talked about it like it was some freakish flaw and not HUMAN NATURE to need regular exposure to bright sky and fresh air. I swear unless or until society at large starts to figure this out, we’re damned to numbing ourselves with pills into being complacent with our sick environment instead of fighting back against it (even if “fighting back” takes the form of society being debilitating enough to a large enough percentage of the population that it forces change).
Otherwise we’ll do with psychoactive drugs what Russian governments have spent centuries doing to their people with the help of alcohol. Use it to numb the suffering, use it to help you accept an awful life, use it to suppress that nagging feeling in you that says “things shouldn’t be this way.” Something has to give? No, nothing has to give, take your antidepressants and anxiety meds and get back to work.

>>525544
Terrible at making friends, socially retarded there, no kids wanted to go near me as a child but that was because of socioeconomic/racial issues. Also apparently autistic kids are naive meanwhile I was a paranoid wreck thanks to my personality disordered family. I also dislike routine and repetition which was why therapists said I probably don't have it

Last night I was dooming so I just drank wine until the feeling went away and then curled up on my bed trying not to vomit. For the longest time I thought that I am one of the few aspds to whom the 'constant boredom' criteria doesnt apply (because it sounded stupid in my head, only boring people are bored), but then I realised that the criteria meant existential chronic boredom rather than the regular boredom that normal people experience. And then it fucking clicked, yes I am bored, its why I get addicted to stuff that feels good so easily. When I know that by the end of the day I will get absolutely shitfaced it makes me giddy and excited, I love my addictions, theyre my musas, they give my life meaning and color. Its beautiful, truly.

>>524862
Have you tried seeking a second opinion aa autism is harder to detect in women?

>>525573
I've sought out countless opinions. Even if it's harder to detect it doesn't make sense if I don't make out enough of the criteria.

>>525576
Would you benefit from support services aimed at autistic people?

I’m trying really hard to get an autism diagnosis because of my social difficulties as my only symptom. I can get jobs because of my technical ability but I can’t keep them because of cliques, bullying etc because I’m neurodivergent. I want an autism diagnosis so I can get a workplace accommodation not to have to deal with normie office politics.

>>525591
I'm not autistic, so obviously not. But I would be careful about workplace accommodation. Stuff like HR are not your friend and if you disclose a diagnosis that'll more than often just give them a reason to fire you.

>>525564
Man. Desk jobs are not normal. I work one too and one of my coworkers and I always go for a walk at some point in the day. We have raise/lower desks and I feel like I do that all the time. I have other coworkers who literally sit there unmoving the entire eight hours and I don’t fucking understand how their bodies don’t hurt or they aren’t mentally fried by the absolute nothingness of the tasks. It’s seriously abnormal but for some reason I’m the weird lazy one for not being able to do the same thing. Makes no sense.

>>525591
>I want an autism diagnosis because if I have one I won’t get bullied.
Anon…

>>525591
If thats your only symptom youre not autistic and nobody except a quack will diagnose you… You probably just have social anxiety

>>525591
>so I can get a workplace accommodation not to have to deal with normie office politics.
I'm sorry but this doesn't exist.

>>525591
You are struggling to get an autism diagnosis because you are not autistic and the accommodations you want don't exist. Cut it out and learn to keep your head down. Invisibility in those environments is protective. Why would you want to stand out with a diagnosis for a disorder you don't even have?

>>525591
Nobody is immune from workplace politics or social paradigm. Except for the unemployed, I guess. What specific accommodations are you expecting? You need to take charge of yourself, and not expect others to make special exceptions for you. I recommend continuing to see a professional for more than just a diagnosis. A therapist can help you guide yourself through uncomfortable social situations. You can develop skills that will help you out a lot, socially. You are in control of your experience, not other random people you work with. I wish you luck.

Thinking about how when I went to intake they gently asked "have you ever had suicidal ideation" and I thought that it was a real question that was important to answer to get treatment so I answered honestly (which was painful for me)
Come to find out they don't care and are legally mandated to ask this. So I just poured my heart out over a legally mandated check box that had no bearing on anything. I loathe the mental health system.

>>525906
I’m surprised they didn’t 5150 you tbh

>>526258
Is that an actual practice? Any time I've talked about this with doctors they just treated me like it was histrionics and I didn't need to be there. I'm not an attention seeking type of person either, I thought that this was a real problem that should be discussed with doctors, but they didn't really care at all.

anons, is it normal for a psychiatrist to refuse to share a psych eval report with you directly? he would only send it to my therapist, and so i have to wait for her to go over it with me next week. i’m getting kinda annoyed by the waiting, and my googling tells me that under HIPAA a psych can only withhold a patient’s info/records from the patient legally if it could be “harmful for me to read” in some way. i’m worried this means my diagnosis will be something terrible or that he wrote something really bad about me, kek.

>>525906
>>526258
They only do something about it if you indicate that you’re considering acting on it. You’d be surprised how many people have passive suicidal ideation, it doesn’t stand out to a doctor. At most you’ll get a quick “Are you thinking about acting on it?” and then when you say no they plow right on to the next thing.

I have AVPD with comorbid depression and SzPD since I was nine ot something. Suffice to say, I'm a lonely looser with no friends.
I went to therapy to deal with that stuff, hoping to learn social skills, and I started telling my therapist about all of this, starting from lack of friends or at least acquaintances. When I get to the lack of romance, she interrupted me and told me that I don't have it that bad and told me about one of her clients as an example: she had six children at the age of twenty-six and a deadbeat alcoholic husband. She asked me if I wanted this. I was like, hell no, that's a horrible fate. But still, what it has to do with my problem? I don't know if I'm overreacting, but I felt like crap after that. Is it normal in therapy? I'm new to this, but I'm already reluctant to go there again.

>>527320
Therapists shouldn't be comparing you to other patients. Isn't that kinda a breach of confidentiality too? Either way it's dumb.

>>527320
If you want to learn social skills, therapy probably won't help. Your therapist probably sucks, most of them do

I'm sick of being messed up. I want to stop taking my antipsychotic medication because I hate the side effects so much, but I know I can't afford to. I'm glad my mom reminds me to take it, and talks me out of skipping it when I try. Why do I have to take medication? I wish I could just live like a normal person. As if it wasn't enough being an autist to the point of disability… can't drive, can't work, can't even do my hair by myself, or order at a restaurant. Why didn't I get better as an adult? That's what was supposed to happen. I feel so terrible for my poor parents who are stuck with me. I want to take care of them, not have it be the other way around. I'm a stain on this earth. I hope my therapies will help me eventually be in a place to contribute to society. This world makes me so tired. It's not for people like me. I'm not good enough for it.

>>527255
Damn, maybe I’ve just been unlucky or seem extra crazy

>>525566
I used to think i was BPD because of black and white thinking and obsessions, and it ended up being OCD (i'm not a emotional demon, just a sensitive cry baby so it makes sense), it's normal to believe one diagnosis and get another, i'm sure it's going to help you greatly if the psych is right, don't get attached to one label as it can make you feel like if you are not sick if you don't have the "desired" diagnosis

the update to this >>527235 is no, it’s not normal. my therapist told me i apparently have BPD and the psych didn’t want to be the one to break the news, this fucking sucks lol. i thought i was just depressed, not actually crazy. i feel really bad about the diagnosis and have no idea how to improve as a person, and im never going to tell anyone in my life my diagnosis because this is really embarrassing.

>>528639
rip.

Okay so I think I have bipolar II because I've been tracking a lot of stuff over some time now and it really does look like that but I don't want to go on medication because of side effects and brain shrinking, I also can't financially and emotionally afford going to a psychiatrist multiple times to test medications for months and suffer from the destabilizations anymore. How do I manage this shit without meds? Is there anything I can do myself

>>536043
I have Bipolar II, nona. If you want to manage it without meds, you've got to get your physical health in tip top shape and, even then, you'll probably still need some kind of medication or counseling. First of all, get a diagnosis. It could be that you have a form of depression that's much more treatable.

>>536047
I haven't been able to sleep properly for 3 weeks so I doubt I have just normal depression. There was a sudden and unexpected elevation in my mood for no reason that wasn't disrupted even by having my period. The depressed moods are also cyclical… I already went through most meds that one can get and I always have awful side effects so I don't wanna risk losing months again just to try out something… I simply cannot afford it. The diagnosis would take too long and too many visits, I don't have money for that, especially since in my country you have to go private to have a chance to meet a good doctor.
>you've got to get your physical health in tip top shape
What do you recommend? I already work out 5 days a week.

>>536058
If possible, try to get a blood test done and see if you have any deficiencies or hormonal imbalances. Getting those taken care of are really important because they exasperate any mental health issues you may already be experiencing. When you do experience the 'highs' (that is, hypo-mania), do you do anything to self-medicate? It sounds like you lose sleep but is that due to anxiety (that you can track to thoughts) or is it due to an overall restless feeling? If possible, consider natural supplements or exercises that have sedative/calming effects. Meditation is super helpful for me during hypo-mania and so is drinking herbal tea. I do, however, urge you to seek some kind of long-term professional help, even as you do use alternatives. If you can get your symptoms under control without medication, that's great! Just know that anything you can do to help yourself now will make any drugs you take more effective in the future and potentially limit the damage they might do.

>>536075
Thanks, I will do blood test when possible. I am quite restless and energized and sometimes sleep every second day lol But the hypo-mania is not an issue for me since my behavior isn't harmful and these are very productive and creative periods for me. On the other hand the depressive episodes are ruining my life and I'm having issues managing that because sometimes I can't get out of bed at all.

>>536083
If the depressive episodes bother you more, consider hormonal birth control. It sounds like you're on top of tracking your mood. How long does your depression last? If it's more than a few weeks, it might be worth it to go on BC if you also struggle with PMS/PMDD. You don't need that shit on top of your BP2 symptoms. The side effects are also much less dangerous than most psych meds too.

I have no idea how to come back from ppd. My baby had emergency brain surgery in February at 5 months old to gain control of cluster seizures, bub was having over 100 seizures a day.
The surgery caused bub to be disabled.
The seizures have caused global developmental delay.
High overlap with autism, non verbal.
Literally everyday is me not trying to kill myself.
I tried therapy, my therapist said I have sever depression, I took whatever test she gave me and I got 46/50, she said she has never treated someone so high.
But then told me to contact her once we are out of hospital to talk again, and that once a fortnight is enough.

Obviously I didn't tell her I want to kms because I don't want my baby ripped away from me.
I just don't know how I'm going to continue. We wanted a big family. We can't have that now. Bub is so beautiful, but we have no idea if bub will ever walk. Ever talk.
If I knew this is how my life would have ended up id have just followed through in my teens.