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No. 518840
Actual previous threads:
>>>/g/141299>>>/g/49363Sorry nonnies, I thought I had successfully deleted the thread after I noticed the typo but the April Fool’s CSS got the better of me.
No. 524857
I just got my hands on my psychiatrist's notes from 2021. She never actually told me my diagnosis, she basically just prescribed me a couple SSRIs which didn't really work, then wrote me a script for Seroquel and sent me on my merry way once I reported an improvement in my symptoms. I self-dx'ed with CPTSD, which seems pretty obvious to me as I had an extremely fucked up life and childhood and was severely abused by my parents.
Anyways, according to her, my diagnosis is as follows:
>Mixed personality disorder with borderline characteristics (?)
>Dysthymia
>Social anxiety
I don't really know what to make of this. I also just got evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD. So, I'm on Seroquel and Vyvanse now. It's definitely easier to function on a daily basis but I still feel really anxious with chronic muscle pain all the time. It really fucking sucks and I feel like I'm unable to live my life on my terms. I've been going to therapy since 2019 but a couple months after I started my best friend killed herself which made everything 100x worse. So, I spent the first few years in therapy trying to dig myself out of that hole, but the pain was truly unbearable and I wasn't coping which forced me to seek psychiatric help. Seroquel helped immensely with my mood and self-destructive behaviours and I continued with therapy, but the progress has been sooo sloooow although I'm definitely on an upward trajectory. There's just so many fucking layers to my trauma and my anxiety is so persistent, I'm so fucking sick of it, I hate feeling so scared all the time. I just wish my body would cooperate, I've tried yoga and mindfulness and shit but the only thing that has ever really worked was living in the woods for two months, which isn't possible for me right now unfortunately. I don't really know what to do at this point, my current psychiatrist brought up Gabapentin or Lyrica but idk. I've been talking to various shrinks for nearly a decade and it seems like no one really knows how to help me. Sorry for the unhinged rant, it's 3:30AM and these psych notes sent me on a crazy spiral.
No. 525564
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I deeply believe that society should be structured to maximize the health and happiness of humans, not the other way around. Probably half of the people I work with have ADHD diagnoses and are on amphetamines because they can’t bear to sit still in a tiny dark cubicle moving pixels around on a screen for 9 hours a day otherwise. But everyone seems to think it’s some personal deficiency and not a sickness of the soul caused by putting a human in conditions that human beings were never designed to thrive in. Similarly, in a professional development seminar a while back the speaker shared how he had seasonal affective disorder and would become progressively more miserable in the winters when he was forced to spend every hour of daylight in closed rooms. But he talked about it like it was some freakish flaw and not HUMAN NATURE to need regular exposure to bright sky and fresh air. I swear unless or until society at large starts to figure this out, we’re damned to numbing ourselves with pills into being complacent with our sick environment instead of fighting back against it (even if “fighting back” takes the form of society being debilitating enough to a large enough percentage of the population that it forces change).
Otherwise we’ll do with psychoactive drugs what Russian governments have spent centuries doing to their people with the help of alcohol. Use it to numb the suffering, use it to help you accept an awful life, use it to suppress that nagging feeling in you that says “things shouldn’t be this way.” Something has to give? No, nothing has to give, take your antidepressants and anxiety meds and get back to work.
No. 525572
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Last night I was dooming so I just drank wine until the feeling went away and then curled up on my bed trying not to vomit. For the longest time I thought that I am one of the few aspds to whom the 'constant boredom' criteria doesnt apply (because it sounded stupid in my head, only boring people are bored), but then I realised that the criteria meant existential chronic boredom rather than the regular boredom that normal people experience. And then it fucking clicked, yes I am bored, its why I get addicted to stuff that feels good so easily. When I know that by the end of the day I will get absolutely shitfaced it makes me giddy and excited, I love my addictions, theyre my musas, they give my life meaning and color. Its beautiful, truly.
No. 525591
>>525576Would you benefit from support services aimed at autistic people?
I’m trying really hard to get an autism diagnosis because of my social difficulties as my only symptom. I can get jobs because of my technical ability but I can’t keep them because of cliques, bullying etc because I’m neurodivergent. I want an autism diagnosis so I can get a workplace accommodation not to have to deal with normie office politics.
No. 527320
I have AVPD with comorbid depression and SzPD since I was nine ot something. Suffice to say, I'm a lonely looser with no friends.
I went to therapy to deal with that stuff, hoping to learn social skills, and I started telling my therapist about all of this, starting from lack of friends or at least acquaintances. When I get to the lack of romance, she interrupted me and told me that I don't have it that bad and told me about one of her clients as an example: she had six children at the age of twenty-six and a deadbeat alcoholic husband. She asked me if I wanted this. I was like, hell no, that's a horrible fate. But still, what it has to do with my problem? I don't know if I'm overreacting, but I felt like crap after that. Is it normal in therapy? I'm new to this, but I'm already reluctant to go there again.
No. 527719
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I'm sick of being messed up. I want to stop taking my antipsychotic medication because I hate the side effects so much, but I know I can't afford to. I'm glad my mom reminds me to take it, and talks me out of skipping it when I try. Why do I have to take medication? I wish I could just live like a normal person. As if it wasn't enough being an autist to the point of disability… can't drive, can't work, can't even do my hair by myself, or order at a restaurant. Why didn't I get better as an adult? That's what was supposed to happen. I feel so terrible for my poor parents who are stuck with me. I want to take care of them, not have it be the other way around. I'm a stain on this earth. I hope my therapies will help me eventually be in a place to contribute to society. This world makes me so tired. It's not for people like me. I'm not good enough for it.
No. 528639
the update to this
>>527235 is no, it’s not normal. my therapist told me i apparently have BPD and the psych didn’t want to be the one to break the news, this fucking sucks lol. i thought i was just depressed, not actually crazy. i feel really bad about the diagnosis and have no idea how to improve as a person, and im never going to tell anyone in my life my diagnosis because this is really embarrassing.
No. 536058
>>536047I haven't been able to sleep properly for 3 weeks so I doubt I have just normal depression. There was a sudden and unexpected elevation in my mood for no reason that wasn't disrupted even by having my period. The depressed moods are also cyclical… I already went through most meds that one can get and I always have awful side effects so I don't wanna risk losing months again just to try out something… I simply cannot afford it. The diagnosis would take too long and too many visits, I don't have money for that, especially since in my country you have to go private to have a chance to meet a good doctor.
>you've got to get your physical health in tip top shapeWhat do you recommend? I already work out 5 days a week.
No. 537345
>>537343From her explanation it's basically EMDR-lite, that your eye movements help you process your traumatic memories. Putting your eyes in specific spots will
trigger certain memories or something along those lines.
Hypnotherapy is definitely woowoo and I feel like that'd create false memories in a patient and become a huge liability, some of these modalities have me wonder why they're even legal.
No. 540272
>>537899That is the depressing part. I am trying to get a better job but nothing has panned out yet. It all feels impossible and hopeless.
>>537602It is so demoralizing. Wish we could talk somewhere else.
No. 551126
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I hate having mental illness about something that logically I know is ridiculous and no one would understand even if I told them (which I can’t because it’s really gross). I feel like mental illness wrapped in human skin rather than an actual person, and no one knows when they talk to me that they’re just looking at my rubbery 0.5mm thick balloon casing instead of a human being. And when some people do notice that something seems wrong, like my mom, she’ll always ask me “did something happen? What happened? Tell me what happened.” Because again, she thinks I’m a person whose emotions are based on real happening, when instead in my case it’s just the mental illness rumbling around in the skin more than usual.
No. 551356
>>518779Being mentally ill and having a chronic illness at the same time is horrible.
I spend my time dissociating, feeling constantly disconnected from my body and isolating myself because I am convinced that everything will turn against me and threaten my physical integrity even though I try as hard as I can to follow social codes and not be noticed in a negative way and I have this diabetes to deal with? I've had it for more than 10 years now, and since then I've developed suicidal thoughts, and the worst thing of all? This diabetes has never been balanced! My organs will probably end up rotting away quite young, I may end up blind, with a missing leg or with kidney failure while everyone around me is actually living.
No. 553761
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I am so sick of being mentally fucked up and retarded. Literally hate myself so much I ruined my own life. I want to enjoy living but nothing seems worth it. I'll think I'm getting better but as soon as one improves another dumbass mental illness will just get worse, hopefully I can fix things and live for good this time. I started therapy but it's kinda expensive and I feel weird having someone be unnecessarily nice to me, I'd rather just be told what I can do to fix myself
No. 553983
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>>553886It's more common than you think especially if it involves the horrible people you interact with everyday. I've had vivid dreams about killing my father while he slept since I was a child. He has a decent amount of issues but the thoughts noticeably happen more often and are more violent whenever he has a drunken rage out at me. You just get used to it.
No. 554005
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I feel like if you know you have serious mental illness(es), you should be responsible and not have biological children. My mom is the most mentally healthy person I know, but my dad has always had issues, and despite us being 50% our mom genes, and being raised in a stable supportive household, my brother and I both turned out to have even more severe versions of my dad’s mental illnesses. We are both well into our 20s, neither of us have ever dated. Pretty certain we are both virgins. I am more outwardly successful than him but it’s a low bar, and inside I have the same mental issues he does, I’m just less coddled, anyway, all of that to say, as much as we don’t get along, our life issues are eerily similar and severe. We have both been actively suicidal for much of our lives. I don’t think either of us enjoys living. My brother will probably live with my parents forever due to how non functional he is.
And all this could have been prevented if my dad didn’t choose to have kids. Ironically, there will likely be no more of his bloodline anyway after my brother and I unless my brother one day finds some girl who doesn’t mind having sex with a man who doesn’t wash or brush his teeth ever, looks like an actual homeless person, and smells like dirty socks, which I suppose you can never rule out given women’s standards, but let’s just pray not.
No. 554035
>>554005 I agree fully with that, I dont think having kids is something evreryone should be able to have. If you are autistic, BPD, Bipolar, Schizoprenic or wathever you know how fucked up it is to be this way, but still you decide to have children that will probably be born with the same shit you have? Iam sorry thats just pure egoism.
Ive seen a video on tik tok of a guy with autism and a girl with down saying they want a baby and like 90 percent of the comments were supporting it, and the ones with mininmal sense were called eugenist.
I also saw a video about a girl saying that there arent any people in Iceland with down syndrome anymore because they abort the babies and she was saying how sad that is, like????? Arent you pro choice bitch?
Anyway, calling eugenics when people say that poeple with severe mental illness shoudnt have children is VERy retarted. I mean if you think this way then people with active AIDS should have children too or brothers.
No. 554443
>>553886yes, i had it when i was living with my
abusive brother and his gf. most days i was very scared of what i would try attempt, nothing that drastict ever happened obviously but having the thoughts alone is a horrible experience.
No. 557666
I hate knowing I'll never be fully honest with anyone except my journal. And some things I won't even journal about because I'm terrified of dying in a freak accident and having people snoop through my personal belongings. I wear so many masks and live a completely secret life. I go to work and smile and laugh and say all the right words and then go home and engage in drugs and rituals and bizarre sexual perversions. I have friends but I wear a mask around them too because they are entertaining, innocent people. I relate strongly to the Patrick Bateman monologue where he says that there is an idea of him, but he doesn't actually exist.
It feels "wrong", theoretically, but I don't see a problem with putting on a personality to get what I want. It's not like I'm hurting or sabotaging anyone, and acting kind can result in many gifts, favors, and promotions. I think of myself as a prosocial manipulator. Sometimes I wish I had someone to confide in, but I don't think I'll ever trust anyone that much. Right now I work in a field with a lot of empaths, and I'm considering going to law school where my glib nature can thrive. It can be exhausting pretending to care about people all the time.
I've seen maybe 7 therapists and not been able to be honest with any of them. As soon as I start to broach my darker neuroses, their poker face slips and I realize they don't want to treat patients that make them uncomfortable. I've never seen a male therapist and I'm considering it. I know they are wretched creatures who use your trauma as jerkoff material, but I'm wondering if I can't be honest with therapists because I crave female approval. I hate men and they are soulless objects to me so maybe it would be easier to drop the filter in front of someone I don't respect. I just feel like I need to work on integrating my masks, at least a little bit.