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No. 139342
Have you had any truly funny/embarrassing/awkward sexual encounters? Post your laughable sexual "conquests" here!
The encounter that spurred the idea
>>40169 No. 139345
>>139343Hahah aw, that sucks anon, but still pretty funny! I threw up right after giving head once, trying to explain it was unrelated was awkward, to say the least.
>>139344>bedfuckerHAHA oh man, i love this. I was the anon requesting this thread and it's already funny as hell. I have some stories of my own, but they will have to wait till tomorrow. Thanks for sharing, ladies!
No. 139347
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>had a crush on this guy for a couple of months
>we were friends so I was low key about it and never said anything
>one night hang out with him and some other friends
>we drink and I say I want to go home around 1AM
>this friend invites me to his place
>"s-sure"
>think nothing is gonna happen as my self-esteem was trash and thought he was way out of my league
>we arrive at his place, eat lunch and decide to play some vidya
>after a while we start cuddling
>all is going well
>he asks if I want to fuck
>hell yeah (I actually said "sure)
>we kiss and stuff
>he gets naked
>penis is decent sized
>he puts it in
>freezes
>doesn't move
>I try to move, he says "don't"
>says he doesn't want it anymore
>asks if I can suck him
>cum in literally 20s
>okay
>I sleep until morning (buses or trains don't work until 6AM)
>try talking to him again
>he never replies
Is it worth mentioning he browsed /a/ at the time?
No. 139353
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>>139351i feel you, anon.
i've had two different guys cum in one stroke on separate occasions.
No. 139354
>>139345Glad I could entertain!
>>139347Your tale has reminded me of a past conquest, Mooseknuckle.
There was a pretty popular guy in college that everyone called Mooseknuckle because had a huge cock and balls and would always whip them out for laughs at parties. He was decent looking, a typical football scholarship stud, and nice though a bit arrogant.
One weekend I was over at his dorm for a party. There were four different rooms that people were wandering around. In his room he was watching movies and I was hanging out too. At some point everyone eventually left so it was just the two of us. He pops in another movie (it was Reindeer Games) and sits next to me on the bed I was on. He puts his arm around me and brings me for cuddling. At this time I was in a bit of disbelief since he's never really flirted with me before.
>Does he like me?>Are we going to fuck?>Holy shit how am I going to take that dick?We eventually start making out and he's just groping me all over. I can feel his dick getting hard and I'm panicking a little, but am also really excited. After a bit he gets up and locks the door and starts taking his clothes off.
>Fuck yeahI take mine off too and he grabs a condom from his dresser and sits back on the bed. After he gets it on I straddle him and we kiss again as I slowly ease myself onto him. I barely get the head in and he grabs me close to him and shudders.
>Oh, hell no.He had cum instantly. Disappointed I get off and just flop on the bed. He says that never happens and that he can go again if we just wait a minute. So we make out some more and he tries to finger me. He's clumsy af and has huge fingers so it just hurt. I took his had away before I dried up too much and just keep kissing him. He's rubbing his dick trying to get it hard again but it only gets semi. Then he slaps it against my vulva and I look at him like wtf? "Y-you like that right? It's hot isn't it?" At this point I knew it was futile and just said I was tired and not in the mood anymore. "O-Ok." We go back to watching the awful movie.
Later on there's a scene were Ben Affleck is fighting with Charlize Theron and I guess they banged earlier because he says, "I've had betters sex in prison!" I couldn't help myself, I side-eyed Mooseknuckle and said, "Me too." Poor guy looked as red as a tomato.
We never talked about the incident again and there were no further attempts at hooking up.
No. 139355
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>>139353You know, anon, I did this when I met someone I wanted to fug.
I cybered with them before fugging irl. So that I could see how long they take fapping. Usually the ones that take 30min or more fapping are decent fuckers. If they cum in 10~15min of cybering I know they are fast jizzers. Usually at +20min you can ask for a dick pic just to confirm the boner is still alive. Worked like a charm.
No. 139357
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>>139355I can't believe I never thought of this before. (coming from a former camwhore, at that)
Bless U anon.
No. 139372
I'm the anon who posted her story in the host thread, but I thought I would share some of my other failed (on their part) sexual encounters.
I have so many of these, I don't know where to start. I'll just write a short one for now since I'm supposed to be doing homework. This is one of the less cringey stories I have.
I met this guy at one of the parties usually held after my freinds' lives. We spent the whole night talking, and he seemed pretty cool and was super super handsome, but I had a boyfriend at that time, so it didn't go any further than that.
My boyfriend broke up with me shortly after that, so I went on a date with this guy cause free food and alcohol rock.
We got pretty drunk, so I invited him back to my apartment for some good old-fashioned adult fun. It was not fun.
First, he couldn't kiss to save his life, bless his heart. No tongue, yet somehow it was super slobbery and he managed to get saliva on my forehead. So I pushed his head down to my neck so he could kiss that instead of putting my face through saliva torture.
He was pretty okay at fingering and handling my breasts so at least that felt okay. But, he was getting boring, and I wasn't into it, so I decided to take control and give him a blowjob because anything was gonna be better than him trying to kiss me again.
So, I pulled down his pants, took off his underwear, pushed him onto my bed, and started giving him a pre-blowjob handjob. I got two pumps in, and he came in my hair and even got some on my wall. I made him clean it up and told him to leave because it might have been climactic for him, but it was depressingly anticlimactic for me.
I didn't see him again, but he still texts me sometimes and asks if I want to go out with him.
No. 139374
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>>139372>he managed to get saliva on my foreheadAre you sure it wasn't snot?
No. 139378
>>139347>>139353Cute~
Did you ask if they wanted to go again? Comforting guys who cum too fast is a fetish of mine.
No. 139388
>>139347premature ejaculator. probably didn't respond to you due to his massive embarrassment. did he try to get you off at all??
>>139349HAH
No. 139389
>>139354I blame reindeer games.
>>139355Clever girl.
No. 139392
>>139390I think I was in shock. I have corpaphobia or however it's spelt so I'm pretty sure the colour drained from my face and I just dealt the best I could without losing my shit. I tried to comfort him but he just tried to make me feel bad which thankfully didn't happen.
Honestly that was where it went all down hill. He was a manipulative psychopath but in the end I had the last laugh.
No. 139398
>>139397I'm ashamed tbh, he has a following of teens adoring him and I found his content subpar.
Never told anyone. I'm not a drama whore and don't care for attention at all.
No. 139406
The first time I had sex with two of my boyfriends, I was on my period. I warned them, I was embarrassed, but they insisted.
The first time it was when I was losing my virginity. We completely wrecked the hotel room sheets. He said, "wow, that's a lot of blood" and was legit concerned about the hotel charging him. It got on the towels and everything.
Another time was with a guy from China. The next day, he goes, "your pussy stinks". And I go, "Yeah, I told you, I have my period. It's all the blood." "I know." "????" Like that was awkward and offensive as fuck. Who says that?