>>398490I'm sort of similar, and I would like to stop being a KHHV, but I can't because I'm not attracted to anyone around me. I feel like a neutered dog, compared to my peers. I'm 25 and I feel like a child who is missing a part needed to function in adult society.
I seem to like some sort of weird mosaic of male/female traits, but not either one in full. So as a result I don't wind up attracted to anyone.
I say that, but in my life I've had two celebrity crushes that were really, really intense, one male and one female (but both very androgynous). But apart from those two instances in the past (and btw they happened a fucking decade apart kek), I've never felt that sort of natural burning attraction to anyone, certainly not anyone in my actual life. I really want to though.
I play mind games with myself, trying to force myself into finding people around me attractive, convince myself I could be attracted to this person or that person if maybe I tried harder. But it doesn't work and it doesn't come naturally like it does for everyone else. I feel like a retarded child. It would be easier if I could say "I've never felt sexual attraction" and think of my self as functionally asexual, but I definitely
have felt strong sexual attraction. And I enjoyed it. But not for anyone in my real life, even though I really, really, really want to. I have a feeling of deep and painful yearning but nothing to fill it with.