/ot/ - off-topic

A compliment is always a good conversation starter. Complimenting clothing, hair, the more unique the better bc it can usually lead to more conversation. I also tend to ask questions or get them to talk about things they already enjoy or do well - works good for work/school/activity based events. "I've noticed you're really good at x, can you give me advice/show me how you'd do it" Something like that. Sometimes I already know the answer or don't need the advice necessarily but it's a way of getting them to open up and learn more about them. Almost everyone loves compliments and talking about themselves/things they like so it's a safe bet even with strangers.

I feel like normal conversations are pretty easy even being a quiet introvert, I just can't deal with constant jokes. I'm not funny or quick witted and I swear most interactions I have (esp at work) are people joking around and me being too slow to come up with a good response. Normal advice about asking questions, listening and empathizing, etc works for making serious friendships but never applies to casual banter in the workplace. I'm always struggling to click with people because of it.

I’m still socially retarded but the one tip I’d share is embarrass yourself, no one cares. Whenever I sit with a large group of people and we talk about who we found friendly at the end the answer is always the most outgoing girls. The quiet ones always get read as arrogant and uppity and weird, like they’re too lofty to talk to you. When it comes down to it, making fun of yourself and owning your quirks with a proud smile is better than being too scared to do anything because you’re worried about how you’ll be seen. Plus, outside of our retarded little online circle, I promise you no one cares that much. Never cringe too hard at anything you did, I can almost promise you I did something worse kek.

Also, try to practice and “infiltrate” a large group. It’s still hard to do this for me but I discovered that most people want to like you. Just walk up, say hi, ask how everyone’s doing. Try to look for markers, like dyed hair (start a conversation! I found a really cool chick in my uni with dyed hair and she doesn’t know me yet but I plan on terrorizing her and making her my friend) and comment on it. Retarded earrings, anything. Ask them what they study, share a little about yourself. Ask them what they do for a living. Don’t be scared to make a few dumb jokes, even if your sense of humor is too crooked and mostly derived from years of being extremely online (like me). No one will laugh because they won’t get it, but who cares.

I used to have people come up to me and tell me shit like “oh you turned out to be really cool! we thought you were kinda humorless and arrogant, you never spoke to us.” Me being socially retarded and awkward got read as arrogant and mean. I bet it’s the same for a lot of farmers. Being awkward and friendly makes you accessible and approachable, being quiet and shy doesn’t.

Good luck anon! I hope I make friends with this girl, it’s my new life assignment. I hope you get to make new friends too without cringing too hard. It’s just a skill you learn by practicing, and you have to fuck up before becoming even 50/50 at it. Trust me, I’ve been doing the socializing thing late too and I’m still learning.

>>930586
Sometimes I feel like embarrassing yourself leads to you being the token airhead or one to poke fun at. My last circle of friends was like that, and at first I didn't mind since I had the mindset of "at least I'm here for something" but over time it kills your confidence.

>>930586
Great points.

>>930589
Doing it in a "class clown" capacity is different from not taking yourself too seriously and being open to fucking up sometimes. Being okay with looking silly on occasion != being an airhead. That anon was talking about taking initiative and nudging yourself out of your comfort zone.

>>930586
>I found a really cool chick in my uni with dyed hair and she doesn’t know me yet but I plan on terrorizing her and making her my friend
>I hope I make friends with this girl, it’s my new life assignment
Am I the only one weirded out by this ? You don't force friendships, either you get along with people, or you don't and leave it.

>>930886
Nta, isn't that how you make friends though? You see someone you think is really rad and offer them a few dunkaroos?

>>930886
unless you go out of your way to be friendly with people you will usually not become friends, unless they’re someone you’re around all the time. i think this is the main difference between real life and school. at school you’re around the same people 5 days a week for years at a time. at uni unless i actually make an effort to talk to people i can go a whole day without uttering a word

>>930886
AYRT and I get you, but if I don’t actively make an effort and “force it” (go up to people, say hi, share a little about myself, ask them what they do/if they want some gum/anything basically) I don’t end up talking to anybody at all.

I grew up alone in my room. I like solitary activities, I enjoy my own company, and growing up online only reinforced these tendencies. Which was weird, because I like being out there, I just didn’t know how to do it: how do you talk to people, how do you approach them, what to say when they speak, how to reply, how to keep a conversation going. Like many people here, I got a late start on the Skill of Socializing, so I don’t even have the muscle memory to be natural yet. I’m new and untrained, and when I socialise, I am still very forcedly inhabiting a foreign state.

I suspect a lot of people are here the same: they have to approach making friends as an assignment, same as any other assignment. For a lot of them it has to be methodical, because we don’t know what to do. We certainly weren’t doing it as kids/teens much, kek. In the end, progress comes from friction, and for those who have gotten too comfortable friction has to be forced.

>>930589
That sucks, anon. When some makes fun of you like that again, bully them back.

Though, when I said “embarrass yourself” I meant like not caring about social fuck-ups, nobody remembers them anyway. And if they do, then weaponise your clownery into absolute self-confidence. If you’re self-assured, and not shaken much by external feedback, then you won’t care about looking silly. Not shying away from your retarded tendencies only betrays confidence. In the end I just found that if your confidence is built on others—if it’s that shaky—you’ll always end up being too busy guarding it and repairing it to be able to just have fun. Good luck, anon.

>>930886
Sounds bpd-ish, FP shit.

Honestly the best way to get to know people and make friends is to ask loads of questions. Most people love talking about themselves and find it really flattering. (Good way to get dates too!)

If you're meeting people at work or school then you should already have common ground, so use that as a starting point. If you've just started somewhere new, use that to your advantage! You can always approach someone with "hi I'm new here and I don't really know my way round/know anyone" then get chatting and invite them for a coffee etc. Most people want to get to know new people.

Also don't beat yourself up if it doesn't stick - you won't get on with everyone! Just keep trying until you find someone you click with.

The other good way to meet people is through hobbies - join a class or club for whatever you're into and you'll probably find that a lot of the other people are also there trying to make friends. I've met a lot of people through playing music, which I only took up in my late 20s. I also go to a Japanese evening class at a local school and I've met all kinds of people there.

I know it can feel awkward but just put yourself out there. If you're not sure what to say you can always think of some generic openers in advance. I always think of when I'm in the hairdresser they always have good conversation starters, even simple stuff like "have you got any plans this weekend?" "Have you been on holiday" etc. After a while as you get to know people you won't need the conversation starters anymore.

Think about how you feel when someone starts chatting to you and try to notice the kinds of questions they ask and how they keep the conversation flowing.

As with anything practice makes perfect, just keep trying and as another anon said, don't sweat it if you feel you've said something stupid, I guarantee nobody remembers. (If you don't believe me try to remember a time when you noticed someone else embarrass themselves, personally I can only ever remember a couple of really bad drunken incidents and none of the day to day stuff)

Has anyone watched the Charisma on Command channel? I find their videos mildly helpful but it always feels a little empty idk, maybe because they're shilling their course all the time. I especially like when they break down what makes someone awkward or unfriendly, like vidrel which genuinely helped me be more approachable. They make the course sound amazing but idk, I'm having trouble finding reviews outside the scroteosphere. Not shilling I promise, just an autist who might get herself a "how to make eye contact in a non creepy way" course for Christmas.

>>930946
There are some good tips there, I suppose watching too much of it would make you obsess over tiny things too much and overdo it in a creepy way but otherwise they give decent tips for people who don't know how to socialize well.

>>930946
Do they have any videos for women? I feel like most of their tips focus around men.

>>930946
Just pirate the course and see for yourself, I got it on 1337x but haven't bothered watching everything yet lel. Seems to be a rehash of the youtube content, just arranged more neatly idk

Thanks for this thread OP. I don't need it, but thank you regardless!

Can anyone recommend some good resources on how to have conversations in general?
Whenever I go through the conversations I had with people in my head I retrospectively realize that I either accidentally came off as condescending or the flow of the conversation was off because I kept asking way too many questions and didn't talk enough about myself

>>930586
> I’m still socially retarded but the one tip I’d share is embarrass yourself, no one cares.

I know this post is two months old but honestly I've seen enough autistic women being overly cringe and cut conversation so hard, I get this kind of second hand embarrassment and choose to not Ever do that in group hang out.
I am a very playful person too and I've had bad experiences when I got "carried away" and ended up having the other party got angry at me or "What do you mean by that!?" in which I could either be defensive or just ate my own shit.

This might be just me, but the way you socialize & interact with others may be influenced by the person you're close with at the time. My (ex) friend who's I'm talking time off from talking right now, is a very anxious-inducing person, and I think their insecurities and fear of "fucking up in public" really rubbed off on me after years and years. The me right now is just as Anxious and I've become over-analyzing ever aspect of my interactions with others, whether it's text or in person. Hell, I'd have a fear that some of my friends might end up hating me and decided to dig up chatlog when I was making sexual jokes and such.
IDK I have Stacy friends but they're too emotionally stunted to be receptive when I was struggling with my mental health (it was especially bad during lockdowns), so my anxiety friend was the most close to me at the time, and as result I think I have trouble touching grass now too.

Sorry this post sounds like blogging. Anyone anon here agrees with the "most talked to person at the time influence how you socialize" kind of sentiment?

>>995766
For sure anon. I completely agree with this theory.

>>995766
Fully agree, anon.

It's like weird self-help groups. Where no one ever 'graduates' from the self-help group. It's the same members who never leave because that would require being introspective and taking a hard look at one's self. Realize that they need to change and get better. But that is easier said than done. The people around them have yet to change, so why should they? Also, these people are their only friends. It's easier to keep bitching with enablers A and B than leave and get new friends.

Change up who you hang around with and watch yourself adapt to them. Hang out with an extrovert coke head (who's not an autistic sperg). You might not end up doing coke, but with someone leading the charge, it'll help get your own voice out there.

Someone is a go-getter and actively trying to get their life in order? They can make you feel like shit -not on purpose- if you are a neet for example. It'll make you want to be such a sad sack of shit and try in life.

I need this thread

I copied this from reddit because I couldnt find a basic pic for it. I went to a presentation that went over the following and it was so simple it stuck with me.

The five F's that will allow you to keep a conversation going with a person you've just met, or anyone.

From

Everyone is from somewhere, and there's almost always a story to tell associated with this.

Don't simply leave this topic if someone tells you where they're from. Show a genuine interest, even if they're from somewhere genuinely disinteresting. Ask follow up questions. Try to keep them open ended, avoiding questions that can be asked with a simple yes or no, potentially killing the conversation.

Family and Friends

This is a topic that can be used often to follow up the mention of some other individual mentioned in conversation. This and "From" are very useful in places like university or travel abroad where people don't see their families or where they're from regularly.

Favorites

This topic can be very wide ranging and is something that can keep a conversation going for hours on end.

Ask questions that are relevant to the social situation you find yourself in. Say you're at a coffee shop meeting someone for the first time, ask them what they're favorite drinks are, and follow up with questions

Firsts

A great way to learn about a person is to know how they go to be where they are today. This can be done by asking them about their firsts. Say you're in this coffee shop again, you can ask someone if it's their first time there or when the first time they tried coffee or something like that.

Disclaimer: It is usually a bad idea to ask about "firsts" that are irrelevant to either the conversation at hand or the social situation you find yourself in.

Fun

This is a great way of finding out common interests, and this topic can usually be very open ended. Say you're new in town meeting some people for the first time. A perfectly acceptable way of approaching conversation is to ask the simple question "What do you do for fun around here?". Or, if you're not new, ask the person you're directly speaking to what they do for fun. If they're into something you've never tried before or even heard of, and you're interested in furthering social interaction with this person, go they next step and ask them about said topic, and if it seems cool ask them if you could join them sometime in said activity.

Now some of you might say that these topics don't really interest you, or something along those lines, but you must remember that these are just the first step in a conversation. They are what leads you to finding out that the person you're talking to is also a huge fan of something you're into, or maybe you're from similar places. Once you have that information, run with it! Getting to know others, and having good conversations isn't complicated if you know how to start!

It's all so exhausting

For the longest time I thought I was an introvert because I was nerdy and booksmart, turns out I'm an extrovert and I have shitty social skills. I love meeting new people, partying, sperging about my niche interests and having drinks with strangers! But I have no idea how to do it, and also I'm avoidant, it's a fucking curse.

I just try to talk to people how I wish they talked to me, while simultaneously still adjusting for their preferences and observing what they like and dislike over time. If they like something I'll ask them about it and whenever I see something related to it I'll send it to them to start a conversation or just to make them happy/say it reminded me of them or something. I think consideration in general is key to getting people to like you and it's also something I value in others, as rare as it is. I also like actually following their recommendations if it's something I'm somewhat interested in and it's a good way to get to know more about them and promote further conversation. I try to be open to everything and learning new things, asking questions, etc. I feel like each person has their own "language" (in the sense that they have a different typing style or just way of speaking in general) and I try to learn it as best as I can so I can match their energy so they'll feel comfortable around me, since people feel the best around people who are similar to themselves and let them talk about what they like and their own life. This can be tricky to do without losing your whole individuality though, so I still try to preserve that while doing it because if you don't it just makes people pin you down as a spineless people pleaser and they start looking down on you instead, so it's a fragile balance and I make sure I'm still being myself and not just going along with what everyone else says or does. I've been told by people that they feel comfortable opening up to me and I think it's because I place a lot of importance on wanting others to feel safe and understood, since I know how awful it feels to not have either of those things and it's made me really sensitive about it with others. Not in a "I know everything about you" egotistical way but just trying to show them I'm listening and care about what they're saying, because I don't want them to feel terrible like I did when people treated me like shit and didn't care about anything I had to say. I alwways view other people as human just like me which is something I see other people failing at pretty often with how oblivious and inconsiderate they are (especially men). Like I'll see dudes wonder why a woman isn't into them (or even their fellow guys) but they lack introspection and continuously make the same mistakes over and over again besides just being self centered and not seeing others as important and failing to adjust to other people or compromise on anything ever. Being self aware in general is super useful for social situations provided you don't have it to a degree that it prevents you from talking (I've been there and I just try to kind of push through it). Bonding over a shared dislike is also pretty effective, people will call it gossiping and toxic but one of the easiest ways to get close with people is to have a common enemy and to have them feel safe with you about talking about it. I know a couple of people who feel safe with me about talking about trans stuff and being honest on their feelings (while with the other people we know, they'd be lynched for it) and it made us closer and made them value me more because I'm giving them an opportunity to do something they can't with other people. I feel like the hardest part of social interaction is really just finding people or getting it started but as a general rule just not shutting out people and being open to things helps, I'm not the type to go seek out social encounters but just being open to others talking to me and not shutting myself out has gone a long way

Remembering things about others is key, like this has upped my social game. Today, at work, I saw a coworker who I hadn't talked with since June. I remember that the last time we spoke she was talking about being in the process or moving, so I asked her if she was done and how the move went. My other coworker rides a motorbike and just got a new one, I remembered that his last motorbike was white and asked if the new one had any colors. And so on and so on. I hate talking about myself, but always come with input and mention something relatable, for example that I'm terrible at packing moving boxes and always lose something. It's also important to remember that you aren't going to get along with everyone and that's okay.

>And so, people who feel you outshine them will dislike you, because they don’t like themselves in comparison to you. You make them feel inadequate simply through your brightness. It seems counterintuitive, but it’s a phenomenon noticed across fields—in economics and social psychology—and across societies, Barclay says. It’s called “antisocial punishment” or “do-gooder derogation”—criticism aimed at someone for supposedly being too cooperative. It seems to occur most often when people compete for partners, and according to the new study, it’s a way of diminishing their competitive advantage. It doesn’t elevate the person doing the labeling, but it might just succeed in tearing down the one who then seems too virtuously cooperative—too good to be true. “You can sum it up with the sentence, ‘Hey man, you’re making me look bad,’” Barclay says. And rather than try to be better, the losing competitor reaches for the “do-gooder” label.
Do you guys feel like this is true? I had a situation in my life lately where I was super nice to everyone and always doing above and beyond to make them happy but somehow they ended up resenting me instead. Meanwhile my friend was super mean to everyone and selfish but others adored him and found that he was "real". Do people not like it when others do too much or are overly nice?

>>2235424
To a point. I used to be nice to the point of being a doormat and I was used and hated for it, but I did make friends during my doormat days that I'm still friends with now, and they were just as kind to me as I was to them.
Look out for yourself before anyone else. Don't go above and beyond, do the bare minimum. You're not a slave. Never put yourself down or downplay your achievements.
Tbh from your post it sounds like you put yourself in last place and do everything for everyone without being asked. Why? What's wrong with being kind to yourself and being a bitch to those who were shitty to you? You're not Cinderella, you're not Jesus. If they resent you for being kind, why are you trying to win their favor back? They can fuck themselves. Treat yourself like you treated them, and treat them like they treated you, and you'll find real friends. Worked for me.

>>2235424
It depends on the people. Those who are healthy and successful tend to most enjoy being around people who are outgoing, kind, confident, and well-off.
People who are massive bummers, have a victim complex, narcissists etc. want people to leech off and degrade and are filled with vitriol at people who are positive and kind etc.
On a similar note you can meet mentally stable hot people who enjoy the presence of other hot people, and insecure loser hot people who will turn the attractiveness of everyone in the room into a competition, as well as ugly people who don’t care if you’re way out of their league, and bitter ugly people who will try to knock you down and nitpick you every chance they get.
IMO the key is simply to see who’s worth being truly kind to and if people betray your trust and act like dickheads then you pull back from those people and give more to people who are truly kind and reciprocating.
People also react differently to antisocial blunt men versus women.

>>2235424
Its definitely true and i call this the "doormat effect" or the "pushover effect". I notice people do this when they notice you either are nice doormats, have autism or have social anxiety.

>>2235424
You can overdo being nice to the point of coming across as disingenuous and fake. Personally, people pleasing behavior and fawning irritates me because it’s kind of manipulative, even if you don’t mean it to be. Just be real with people. And if that’s who you really are and it still pisses some people off, those aren’t your people.

Does anyone experience the thing where you ask people about their lives and offer emotional support, but nobody ever asks you about your life? And when you try to share, people listen but don’t ask questions or really show any interest? I have learned a lot about how to do emotional labor and show interest in others’ lives, but even my friends I’ve had for years don’t seem to be curious about me or want to hear me out when I try to open up about something. I’ve talked to some people about this and they say I need to ask people to ask me about my life, but that feels degrading. Sharing vulnerabilities is hard enough without literally needing to beg people to care. Is this just the new social norm?

>>2284448
I have experienced this a lot both online and off line. I don’t know how to change it. Most people are selfish I’ve found and you can’t really change them. I would suggest finding people who care about you as well, who reciprocate, and keep them close. Best of luck anon.

>>2284448
Yes and I think it's especially bad online, since people don't feel as much of a sense of accountability compared to irl, even if it can also happen irl. It's depressingly common and I try to pay attention to my own actions to make sure I'm not that person as much as I can since I would hate to make someone else go through that, it's an awful feeling. I've known so many people like that over the years who seemed to only care to talk to me whenever it's about some topics they're interested in or when they needed my help, and I used to indulge them when I was younger and naive until I realized they were just using me. It also gave me problems with expressing myself, since I just assumed by default no one would care about me after having those experiences. Nowadays I try to talk to people and see if they return my energy, you can usually immediately tell if you just pay attention early on to how they act towards you and don't take any excuses for their bad behaviors. Don't let them guilt trip you too, since a lot of them will act like you wanting the bare minimum is too much. Simply move on and try to find someone else who will actually care about you like >>2284466 said. They're definitely a lot harder to find though, unfortunately.

I'm npt scared of people anymore, cause I imagine someone who makes me nervous masturbating, having diarreah, crying or pissing their pants. We are just humans.

>>2284519
A cool social hack to help create rapport is to to just tell people that you do these things as well. Great for new acquaintances

>>2235849
I have experienced this too and it's exhausting. People, especially some coworkers, who have even less seniority than I do, talk to me condescendingly. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you are bubbly or standoffish, people will always find a reason to dislike you. It used to really bother me when people don't like me or are condescending to me but to be honest, it leaves me jaded and exhausted.
>>2284524 KEK

>>2284528
>Sometimes it doesn't matter if you are bubbly or standoffish, people will always find a reason to dislike you.
Very true. I've been nothing but nice to someone (much nicer than they ever were to me, even), only to recently find out they were talking shit about me and complaining that I didn't treat them well enough, somehow. You can't win and please everyone no matter how much you try, there will always be assholes and people who will think it's not good enough and find some reason to criticize you even if you've been good to them. Even on this website you can observe this phenomenon since someone will say something and it'll get vastly different responses, some people thinking it's based and others saying it's retarded no matter how good of a post it is, because in the end it's all subjective and up to whatever that person thinks of something and their individual opinions.

I have almost no friends and it's entirely my fault. I can't seem to get past the introductory awkward phase of friendship where you are getting to know each other. Somehow it's always so tedious to me so I end up burning out and ghosting people. Why is that? I don't ghost my long-term friends but something about making new friends is so completely exhausting…I guess I feel like I have to play a character with everyone new I meet until I figure out what vibe to go with? I don't know, I have autism.