/ot/ - off-topic

A compliment is always a good conversation starter. Complimenting clothing, hair, the more unique the better bc it can usually lead to more conversation. I also tend to ask questions or get them to talk about things they already enjoy or do well - works good for work/school/activity based events. "I've noticed you're really good at x, can you give me advice/show me how you'd do it" Something like that. Sometimes I already know the answer or don't need the advice necessarily but it's a way of getting them to open up and learn more about them. Almost everyone loves compliments and talking about themselves/things they like so it's a safe bet even with strangers.

I feel like normal conversations are pretty easy even being a quiet introvert, I just can't deal with constant jokes. I'm not funny or quick witted and I swear most interactions I have (esp at work) are people joking around and me being too slow to come up with a good response. Normal advice about asking questions, listening and empathizing, etc works for making serious friendships but never applies to casual banter in the workplace. I'm always struggling to click with people because of it.

I’m still socially retarded but the one tip I’d share is embarrass yourself, no one cares. Whenever I sit with a large group of people and we talk about who we found friendly at the end the answer is always the most outgoing girls. The quiet ones always get read as arrogant and uppity and weird, like they’re too lofty to talk to you. When it comes down to it, making fun of yourself and owning your quirks with a proud smile is better than being too scared to do anything because you’re worried about how you’ll be seen. Plus, outside of our retarded little online circle, I promise you no one cares that much. Never cringe too hard at anything you did, I can almost promise you I did something worse kek.

Also, try to practice and “infiltrate” a large group. It’s still hard to do this for me but I discovered that most people want to like you. Just walk up, say hi, ask how everyone’s doing. Try to look for markers, like dyed hair (start a conversation! I found a really cool chick in my uni with dyed hair and she doesn’t know me yet but I plan on terrorizing her and making her my friend) and comment on it. Retarded earrings, anything. Ask them what they study, share a little about yourself. Ask them what they do for a living. Don’t be scared to make a few dumb jokes, even if your sense of humor is too crooked and mostly derived from years of being extremely online (like me). No one will laugh because they won’t get it, but who cares.

I used to have people come up to me and tell me shit like “oh you turned out to be really cool! we thought you were kinda humorless and arrogant, you never spoke to us.” Me being socially retarded and awkward got read as arrogant and mean. I bet it’s the same for a lot of farmers. Being awkward and friendly makes you accessible and approachable, being quiet and shy doesn’t.

Good luck anon! I hope I make friends with this girl, it’s my new life assignment. I hope you get to make new friends too without cringing too hard. It’s just a skill you learn by practicing, and you have to fuck up before becoming even 50/50 at it. Trust me, I’ve been doing the socializing thing late too and I’m still learning.

>>930586
Sometimes I feel like embarrassing yourself leads to you being the token airhead or one to poke fun at. My last circle of friends was like that, and at first I didn't mind since I had the mindset of "at least I'm here for something" but over time it kills your confidence.

>>930586
Great points.

>>930589
Doing it in a "class clown" capacity is different from not taking yourself too seriously and being open to fucking up sometimes. Being okay with looking silly on occasion != being an airhead. That anon was talking about taking initiative and nudging yourself out of your comfort zone.

>>930586
>I found a really cool chick in my uni with dyed hair and she doesn’t know me yet but I plan on terrorizing her and making her my friend
>I hope I make friends with this girl, it’s my new life assignment
Am I the only one weirded out by this ? You don't force friendships, either you get along with people, or you don't and leave it.

>>930886
Nta, isn't that how you make friends though? You see someone you think is really rad and offer them a few dunkaroos?

>>930886
unless you go out of your way to be friendly with people you will usually not become friends, unless they’re someone you’re around all the time. i think this is the main difference between real life and school. at school you’re around the same people 5 days a week for years at a time. at uni unless i actually make an effort to talk to people i can go a whole day without uttering a word

>>930886
AYRT and I get you, but if I don’t actively make an effort and “force it” (go up to people, say hi, share a little about myself, ask them what they do/if they want some gum/anything basically) I don’t end up talking to anybody at all.

I grew up alone in my room. I like solitary activities, I enjoy my own company, and growing up online only reinforced these tendencies. Which was weird, because I like being out there, I just didn’t know how to do it: how do you talk to people, how do you approach them, what to say when they speak, how to reply, how to keep a conversation going. Like many people here, I got a late start on the Skill of Socializing, so I don’t even have the muscle memory to be natural yet. I’m new and untrained, and when I socialise, I am still very forcedly inhabiting a foreign state.

I suspect a lot of people are here the same: they have to approach making friends as an assignment, same as any other assignment. For a lot of them it has to be methodical, because we don’t know what to do. We certainly weren’t doing it as kids/teens much, kek. In the end, progress comes from friction, and for those who have gotten too comfortable friction has to be forced.

>>930589
That sucks, anon. When some makes fun of you like that again, bully them back.

Though, when I said “embarrass yourself” I meant like not caring about social fuck-ups, nobody remembers them anyway. And if they do, then weaponise your clownery into absolute self-confidence. If you’re self-assured, and not shaken much by external feedback, then you won’t care about looking silly. Not shying away from your retarded tendencies only betrays confidence. In the end I just found that if your confidence is built on others—if it’s that shaky—you’ll always end up being too busy guarding it and repairing it to be able to just have fun. Good luck, anon.

>>930886
Sounds bpd-ish, FP shit.

Honestly the best way to get to know people and make friends is to ask loads of questions. Most people love talking about themselves and find it really flattering. (Good way to get dates too!)

If you're meeting people at work or school then you should already have common ground, so use that as a starting point. If you've just started somewhere new, use that to your advantage! You can always approach someone with "hi I'm new here and I don't really know my way round/know anyone" then get chatting and invite them for a coffee etc. Most people want to get to know new people.

Also don't beat yourself up if it doesn't stick - you won't get on with everyone! Just keep trying until you find someone you click with.

The other good way to meet people is through hobbies - join a class or club for whatever you're into and you'll probably find that a lot of the other people are also there trying to make friends. I've met a lot of people through playing music, which I only took up in my late 20s. I also go to a Japanese evening class at a local school and I've met all kinds of people there.

I know it can feel awkward but just put yourself out there. If you're not sure what to say you can always think of some generic openers in advance. I always think of when I'm in the hairdresser they always have good conversation starters, even simple stuff like "have you got any plans this weekend?" "Have you been on holiday" etc. After a while as you get to know people you won't need the conversation starters anymore.

Think about how you feel when someone starts chatting to you and try to notice the kinds of questions they ask and how they keep the conversation flowing.

As with anything practice makes perfect, just keep trying and as another anon said, don't sweat it if you feel you've said something stupid, I guarantee nobody remembers. (If you don't believe me try to remember a time when you noticed someone else embarrass themselves, personally I can only ever remember a couple of really bad drunken incidents and none of the day to day stuff)

Has anyone watched the Charisma on Command channel? I find their videos mildly helpful but it always feels a little empty idk, maybe because they're shilling their course all the time. I especially like when they break down what makes someone awkward or unfriendly, like vidrel which genuinely helped me be more approachable. They make the course sound amazing but idk, I'm having trouble finding reviews outside the scroteosphere. Not shilling I promise, just an autist who might get herself a "how to make eye contact in a non creepy way" course for Christmas.

>>930946
There are some good tips there, I suppose watching too much of it would make you obsess over tiny things too much and overdo it in a creepy way but otherwise they give decent tips for people who don't know how to socialize well.

>>930946
Do they have any videos for women? I feel like most of their tips focus around men.

>>930946
Just pirate the course and see for yourself, I got it on 1337x but haven't bothered watching everything yet lel. Seems to be a rehash of the youtube content, just arranged more neatly idk

Thanks for this thread OP. I don't need it, but thank you regardless!

Can anyone recommend some good resources on how to have conversations in general?
Whenever I go through the conversations I had with people in my head I retrospectively realize that I either accidentally came off as condescending or the flow of the conversation was off because I kept asking way too many questions and didn't talk enough about myself

>>930586
> I’m still socially retarded but the one tip I’d share is embarrass yourself, no one cares.

I know this post is two months old but honestly I've seen enough autistic women being overly cringe and cut conversation so hard, I get this kind of second hand embarrassment and choose to not Ever do that in group hang out.
I am a very playful person too and I've had bad experiences when I got "carried away" and ended up having the other party got angry at me or "What do you mean by that!?" in which I could either be defensive or just ate my own shit.

This might be just me, but the way you socialize & interact with others may be influenced by the person you're close with at the time. My (ex) friend who's I'm talking time off from talking right now, is a very anxious-inducing person, and I think their insecurities and fear of "fucking up in public" really rubbed off on me after years and years. The me right now is just as Anxious and I've become over-analyzing ever aspect of my interactions with others, whether it's text or in person. Hell, I'd have a fear that some of my friends might end up hating me and decided to dig up chatlog when I was making sexual jokes and such.
IDK I have Stacy friends but they're too emotionally stunted to be receptive when I was struggling with my mental health (it was especially bad during lockdowns), so my anxiety friend was the most close to me at the time, and as result I think I have trouble touching grass now too.

Sorry this post sounds like blogging. Anyone anon here agrees with the "most talked to person at the time influence how you socialize" kind of sentiment?

>>995766
For sure anon. I completely agree with this theory.

>>995766
Fully agree, anon.

It's like weird self-help groups. Where no one ever 'graduates' from the self-help group. It's the same members who never leave because that would require being introspective and taking a hard look at one's self. Realize that they need to change and get better. But that is easier said than done. The people around them have yet to change, so why should they? Also, these people are their only friends. It's easier to keep bitching with enablers A and B than leave and get new friends.

Change up who you hang around with and watch yourself adapt to them. Hang out with an extrovert coke head (who's not an autistic sperg). You might not end up doing coke, but with someone leading the charge, it'll help get your own voice out there.

Someone is a go-getter and actively trying to get their life in order? They can make you feel like shit -not on purpose- if you are a neet for example. It'll make you want to be such a sad sack of shit and try in life.