/ot/ - off-topic

I hope this thread takes off!
I stopped smoking weed and eating candy literally every day, started doing a 6-minute ab routine, and stationary-cycling for 20 minutes daily. I allow myself rest and cheat days here and there, but since the workouts aren't super intense, I try to do them every day.
I don't have a scale at home but at my last doctor's appointment when they weighed me I learned that I lost 10lbs. just from eating less bullshit and exercising. I'm a womanlet so this is a visibly apparent change. I'd like to lose around 5 more pounds and maintain after that. This is the longest run I've had at working out in my life.
The only downside is that I'm smoking more cigarettes every day since quitting weed, so that's something I need to work on next. I shudder to imagine what my lungs look like.

I just would like to not hate myself as much and to not worry all the time, Im on a wait list for low intensity CBT. I feel like I can't do anything to help myself whilst I wait so i'll just have to wait and see. At least waiting for it is something to stay around for.

I'm currently working on overcoming my mental health issues. I've been seeing a therapist for about a month who specializes in CBT and I feel like it's been helping me greatly. One of the biggest obstacles for me is my illness itself, as it distorts my reality every couple of minutes and leaves me in confusion and full of "what if" thoughts. My therapist has been helping me combat and control those "what if" thoughts, which reduces the distortion over time when I have those thoughts under control. I've previously gone through this struggle before, so my recovery is going much faster, but in the moment it's still really bizarre to experience.
Mostly what I've been doing in recovery is trying to reduce screen time, exercising at least 2 or 3 times a week, journaling, doing grounding techniques, and practicing mindfulness.
Reducing screen time has been the hardest, because I'm doing it right now obviously lol, but also because the weather has been so rainy and snowy and I don't have many people to hang around besides my boyfriend and my family.
And the other obvious obstacle is my irrational fears, but those will fade as I use my coping skills and techniques over time.
One goal I would like to achieve within the next two months is being comfortable enough to eat leftover/opened food again. I've been losing weight like crazy because I can't bring myself to eat leftovers so I either not eat or I eat a microwave meal or something single serve and packaged. It's been draining my wallet as well, but fear is so strong I'd rather spend $2 to eat a frozen dinner compared to not spending anything and eating delicious leftover homemade food.
Another goal I have is within the next four months, find another job. I already posted this in another thread, but basically find job where I'm moving around more instead of looking at a screen the entire time.

Great thread idea anon!
I want to be able to deal with my depression/low self esteem in a healthy way, lose weight and stop binge eating.
I love art and cosplaying so much, I'd hate to stop doing it just because I couldn't stop eating and hating myself/my abilities.
At this point, I've learned how to keep my anxiety under control and I've managed to keep my grades at school consistently great.
I'm happy about my progress and pumped to get my ass back into dancing/exercising, sleeping on time, and eating right. As for other goals, I want to be able to draw/improve everyday like I used to in high school, be a good seamstress + have the ability to fit into/make pretty costumes, and stop being so fucking hard on myself.
I know for a fact it's not going to be easy but it'll be worth it.

over the last year, i’ve managed to really work on the biggest roadblocks i’ve always faced. i know the rest of my life will be more battles to come, but i feel more prepared to take them on every time i make it through a shitty situation on the other side. i managed to put myself through the first level of a college course and i’m honestly so proud of myself for doing it all on my own. i haven’t even said it out loud yet. but i am really proud.


apparently i’ve made enough progress that other people in my life have pointed out that they think i’ve grown a lot over the last year or two. whenever someone says that, it genuinely fills me with joy that other people care enough to notice and point it out and keep encouraging me.

life is really hard. but i definitely am someone who makes it unnecessarily hard on myself. i am trying my best to unravel that. good luck to any other anons here also trying their best.

>>371860
Jfc I'm an idiot. I made this post totally missing that this is mental health general. I'll see myself out lol

>>371926
You're not an idiot. I made this thread for everyone. You don't necessarily have to have a diagnosed mental condition to better your mental health. This thread was meant for anyone using whatever means that helps them. If working out and cutting pot benefits you, power to you.

I’ve been struggling with depression since I was 10. It’s so hard not to just stop there and not write any further. Cause… who hasn’t been depressed almost two quarters or their life and why will anyone care.

I’ve been to counseling therapy for 6 years and cbt for 1 before they said I was fine. I know the steps I need to take to get better. I fixed my diet, I got a full time job and an apartment. And I wasn’t happy but I was finally managing. People were proud of me and so was I.

And then I was unexpectedly fired. And that threw me backwards. And I’ve been sulking to myself and lost my home, and regained 10 kg.

Today was the first day in months that I finally sat down and booked a time to get help. I hope I can try medicine. I’ve always avoided it but I’m not longer ashamed to get the help I need. I’m going to be strong again. I’m going to get my shit together.

>>371938
Thanks anon. I smoked weed for 10 years every single day. I started at a shitty time in my life when my parents divorced and my dad left the country. I feel so much better without it. It really kept me in arrested development. Not to mention how expensive it is.
I also did about a year of therapy that helped me immensely. I am not taking anti-depressants anymore because I realized I was able to stand on my own two feet. I'm still a neet but luckily I have a good support system and I still have time to turn it around.
I just want to send all my love to all of you girls who are suffering. You're not alone. I genuinely feel like The Girl Who Doesn't Even Go Here; vid related. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all the pain and ugliness in the world and I feel so helpless bc what can I do? I know that's trite, but it's true. Thanks for this thread OP.

>>371944
Good for you anon! Acceptance and being aware of what you're going through is a great sign you're committed to not giving up.

>>371854
I stopped hating my dad. Also, I re-started drawing! Not as much as I used to, but still improving slowly.

>>371888
> i feel more prepared to take them on every time i make it through a shitty situation on the other side

This is a great observation and a great feeling. I tell myself this every time I am anxious and that my brain is amazing in that it can literally rewire itself when I push it. I'm grateful for small mercies. I take what I can get.

Sorry for deleting + reposting

I am the daughter of narcissists, and have struggled with severe forms of codependency and rejection anxiety my whole life from a childhood attempt to win over my parent's love. I was socially stunted from being locked in the house, as well as being infected with their toxic, religious-based personal beliefs. I am now openly stating I am atheist for the first time without shame.

I made my first doctor's appointment on my own, despite caller anxiety, for something I've been meaning to check for years. I am now learning to cook, while it's really basic like burritos, and am adding greens into my diet, cutting out sweets. I stopped purging a few weeks ago, and am binging less. I started working out, while really simple like a few sets of reps, I'm actually getting off of my bed. I'm starting to take showers almost daily, my sleep schedule is becoming normal, and I am brushing and flossing everyday as well. I would literally sit at the computer all day, every day, and never leave my bed, but now I go outside to meditate for a few hours.

I'll be cutting all tech out once I get a job to replace my time. I applied for the first time since December just now. I've been avoiding it because of how nasty and sour my body feels thinking about it, but I just swallowed it and pushed through. I'm also drawing and reading again, which I haven't done in years. I'm starting to recall the things I like, which I repressed out of fear of being beaten by my mom. I'm reading again, and I've rediscovered my love of physics. I want to major in it once I get in a stable place. I cut contact with the people in my life who were no longer benefiting me. I deleted the last of my social media, and only want real, personal relationships from now on. I no longer feel the need to chase after others or force a relationship with them.

I'm starting to process my flashbacks; they occur more frequently now, but are less devastating on my emotional health. I can experience them without personally identifying with the negative emotions they made me feel. The trauma I endured is starting to feel distant from me, that all I can see is my future. I am no longer suicidal. It's been over one year since I attempted. I never knew a time I wasn't depressed, I've had depression since I was a small child. I'd run in front of cars in an attempt to kill myself. But now I'm getting excited, and feel a love for life, which is something I can say I've never felt very much, if at all since I was molested when I was around 6.

I’ve been struggling with a ED, body dysmorphia, depression and social anxiety for a long time. A year ago I graduated from a treatment program for my ED, for the first year I didn’t go to outpatient and honestly my mental health suffered—I got into a toxic relationship and friendships, started drinking, and it really impacted the relationship I have now due to my behavior.

But now, I’ve gone back to therapy and I’m doing EMDR. It’s worked amazingly, I can finally communicate with my bf and our relationship is amazing right now, I feel like I can deal with my own insecurities and my ED and body dysmorphia doesn’t control me anymore. I have so much to work on still and I still get awful bouts of depression but im glad I can make myself get up and clean and do what needs to be done even when I’m extremely depressed. I used to really be one of those ‘wallow in misery’ types cause of my pain but I’m so much more full of hope now.

I've been dealing with major depression and an anxiety disorder since I was young, but I can proudly say I'm on meds now, feeling 1000x better.

Not only that, but I've cut processed foods out, mostly eating plant-based with meat occasionally, and I started doing quick 30 min YT workouts daily along with short meditation afterwards. Feeling way more energetic and confident then usual.

Before, I used to struggle with showering and brushing my teeth, but I realize whenever I don't complete any of those tasks, I don't feel good at ALL. Cleanliness is a huge deal for me because if not my mind just feels out of place like I'm back to unable to do anything.

There are days where I really don't feel like doing anything, but I always end up doing something or I get really anxious. Starting to realize that it's OK to chill once in awhile.

Looking forward to becoming a freelancer, and hoping that from now on I'll only get better.

I’ve also been making changes recently to my diet and being more active.
Me and my boyfriend have resumed after a break and I’ve been a lot nicer. This may sound dumb, but being nice has made a huge difference in our relationship. I never realized how mean I really was. I’ve also been holding myself more accountable for my issues related to BPD… I tell him upfront if I’m having negative thoughts and he also has been very understanding and calm towards me in these moments of distress.

There is just a lot more kindness and intimacy in our relationship, and it makes me feel hopeful that BPD isn’t a death sentence and that things could possibly work out for the better.

I’m starting DBT very soon and am hopeful about things improving for the first time in a long time.

I feel really proud of myself for being in the process of applying to college and wanting to try at life so that I can have a stable future. I'm 21 but all these years I was too afraid, empty, and unmotivated to do anything but work because being bullied in school is the root of my PTSD and social anxiety. After working shitty retail jobs long enough, I realized I didn't want to be stuck doing that all my life - doing shit jobs everyday and be miserable and angry like all the older people and managers who worked in retail. This is pretty big for me because for the longest time, I thought I would never be going to college and was always preoccupied with the thought of suicide. I didn't know where I would end up.

I'm even trying my hand at a major which is probably out of my league, but I know it's back to retail if I don't try my best at school so I have to work hard. I even want to join the club related to my major because it would get me out of the house and it also genuinely seems fun to go on the field trips and learn stuff (plus I think it would look good?).
I want to focus on myself and better myself and I believe I'm making the right steps to do that this year even though I'm quite nervous.

>>371981
I'm really proud of you, anon! As someone with caller anxiety, I know how hard it is to get over it but I can't believe you did it. I'm glad you cut out all the negativity in your life too. It sounds like you're making bigger progress than you realize even with the cooking, getting out of bed, and taking care of yourself. This is all really important!

I just got done doing my cardio; caught my reflection in my bathroom mirror and my skin is g l o w i n g!!! My first time working out regularly in my life so this is really cool to experience.

Sorry for the blogpost, just wanted to share things are going well:

A few days ago, I got a call back for an interview and it went extremely well. The manager actually pulled me to the side and said I was the one she wanted to hire. I hope I hear from her soon. I travelled there from a different city, it was my first time driving my personal car (which is a scary thing), my first time driving on a freeway, and to a new city on my own. I have only had my license two months and have barely used it. It was truly a jump from my comfort zone.

At my doctor's appointment, all went well. Blood test shows that all of my levels are normal, except for one small thing which was just slightly out of normal range and nothing to worry about.

I heavily cut my internet use today, to less than 30 minutes instead of 8 hours like I usually do. I starting to read a book I've been meaning to, and it's very calming and helpful for my mental health. I'm able to focus on it and really absorb what is being said, which is usually really difficult for me.

I drove myself to a few grocery stores when I couldn't find what I wanted, which I would never normally do. It was a really busy day today too, work traffic. It seems silly, but when I couldn't find what I wanted, I'd usually just go home because I had worked up too much anxiety to do anything else, but today was nice. I actually wore a skirt in public for the first time, quite literally. I was so self conscious I couldn't do it, I'd normally feel gross, but it felt really awesome. I've only ever worn pants. Feeling the cold air on my legs kind of took me back to when I was a child, when I wore shorts and was too young to care. More people approached me today too, I was offered more help and people struck up conversations with me. I still felt a bit out of place, but I was masking less. I felt I was being more genuine in my replies to people, not entirely dissociated (still fighting it a bit).

I actually bought things for myself too, just to make me feel better, things I've always wanted to get, but never received and was too critical to get for myself. I bought myself flowers (plants, not cut). I adore them; I've always wanted to get one as a gift, like those girls who's parents would congratulate them after graduating. I also bought a candle, because they're comforting to light and read next to at night. I specifically bought a religious one, the ones with the picture of Christ on it because I was raised Catholic, and it reminds me of the childhood I'm trying to seek clarity from. I want to read my self help and psychology books next to it. It's healing.

Lastly, while not perfect, I'm starting to crave more greens and eat less sweets. I actually was frustrated I couldn't find any fresh vegetables in the kitchen. I will definitely be starting to buy my own groceries from now on. I think bettering my mental health can start with eating more of what makes me feel better, and having time away from family to really meditate on what I want to cook.

I wake up every single day and make positive choices. I recognise obstacles like low mood, understand what might be driving it, and resolve to do better - then move on with my day.

Teaching myself this level of control over my thoughts and feelings has been so worth it. I've never been this happy, productive, or satisfied with my life… I didn't think I'd live past my teens, let alone become like the people I secretly admired so much.

>>374370
I got the job :)

>>376860
congrats anon! keep up the good streak, you should be proud of yourself!

>>371944

I'm late to this thread but I feel you anon, don't give up! I've also been suffering with depression and other stuff since I was very young. After I started therapy 2 years ago I thought life was going better for me, until I finished college and lost my job a few months ago which sent me backwards.

I always thought that I didn't want to go on medication, but I got prescribed some a little while ago and I'm just hoping they help me get back on the road to recovery again.

You got this anon!

>>371876
Anon coming back to say I've eaten leftovers twice in the past week! I've been trying really hard to take control of myself again and I've realized me making these conscious efforts to avoid little things most people wouldn't think are harmful were making my anxiety and dissociation worse because it kept it in control. Of course it's gonna be difficult to "reprogram" myself not to associate little things with my trauma, but baby steps is never a bad thing.

Decided to channel my constant terror of being attacked anywhere at any time inside or outside my house into learning some self defense. Once I have enough money I'm gonna start taking krav maga classes. It'll also help my brain just exercising

Recently realized I have wasted 10 years of my life and have nothing to really show for it. I let my fear of failure make me completely apathetic to pursue anything or take any risks. Not only that, but having limited experience with relationships has shown me how little emotional depth I have. It hit me pretty hard.

But starting this spring, I'm hoping to change this. I want to start taking classes towards something I think I'll thrive in. I want to challenge myself to take risks. I want to invest in myself rather than coddle my feeble mental state through retail therapy.

I've collected so many things in the past decade just to fill some void inside me and this isn't the person I want to be. I'm going to try and get rid of 70% of these useless items in my life. This idea in and of itself has revitalized my mentality and feels so freeing. It makes me genuinely excited for the future, something which used to give me anxiety.

It's never too late to make changes in your life, anons!

Last month, after 18 years of wanting to die every day, I finally got diagnosed with depression and OCD. I started taking meds and I have a workbook for the OCD.

I was excited to be moving forward, but when I asked my therapist for help on the third question in the book, she told me it was too much for me to handle at the moment. I got discouraged and gave up over it. But I think now I'm just gonna say fuck it, answer to the best of my ability and try to move forward.

I hate being stuck like this and I hate wasting my days away. Even if the meds don't help I can still try my hardest to improve my life.

>>371854
Ive been in and out of counseling/therapy my whole life. After a bad experience with being misdiagnosed in my teens and going on and off of various medications for years that only made things worse Im afraid to try again.
However, I'm struggling to succeed in life because my mental health. I can't handle very much stress at all nor can I handle social interaction. Even though I do okay in the moment as soon as it's over I just feel sick with anxiety over what I said/did and what other people thought of me to the point that I shut down.
I'm trying to go to school (online) but I find myself constantly dropping classes and only being able to handle half the workload that my peers would. I also dropped out of high school for similar reasons.
I just feel broken, like I've never be able to live a normal life working a job, having friends etc. (aside from my spouse I haven't been able to make a real friend since I was in middle school).
I don't know how other people do it and I don't know how to make myself be like them.

I'm >>376860
I quit the job shortly after from poor management and an overall terrible experience that put me over the edge, sacrificing my mental health isn't worth it. I decided to open up a booth at an antique style market selling jewelry; it's just a hobby, but I hope it pushes me forward into a business idea I have. I'm actually packaging my things to sell this weekend as I am typing.

To reward myself for how far I've gotten, I bought something I've never had, a new pair of shoes. I splurged $70 on a pair of Nikes and it's one of the best decisions I've made! They're the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned. My screwed up posture has improved a little bit. I got them just because I was so excited I finally joined the gym. Speaking of, I need to go today.

I've actually been loosening up and buying more of what I need and not stinging "just in case." I bought marijuana, some glass, and a lighter (which I've wanted for other reasons, for years, also). Years ago, if you asked me, I would have told you I'd NEVER touch drugs, but it has been progress for me to admit I need help, and I need to try other routes in order to get better. By trying it, I found out it wasn't for me. One of those times, I did a little too much and had a bad trip, but that trip slowed my thoughts down enough that I was able to observe how my depressive episodes start. I now realize I need a therapist, and am going to save up the money to go. I now know this is what I want, and that I need to make friends and create a social network. That high made me realize how much I talk to myself and that I live in replayed scenarios in my head because I'm not experiencing life. I don't want to be a NEET anymore; I need CBT. I NEED to start somewhere. My emotions are slowly returning. I thought I was stuck, but when I re-read the posts I made on this thread, I actually realize I've come a long way, which is why I started it in the first place, because I knew this would happen. This is like my personal accountability diary.

Right now, I'm struggling with body dysphoria, and a depressive episode with some anxiety and what feels like mania. I've been numb because of my PTSD for a few years; even though these aren't positive emotions, I'm breaking out of apathy so I know I'm healing. I've been consistently showering, flossing, brushing, and eating properly every day, but I noticed my showering and gym time slipped, as well as suicidal thoughts, when I found out about a personal set back. All of the effort I put in previously felt simultaneously worthless, and the best thing I've ever done. I can start to see the patterns, in my thinking, although it's so warped I fall back in almost immediately. I do need help. That's all I can say.

Is anyone interested in sharing recs of self improvement books that actually help? I'm trying really hard to get my shit together, but as I cannot go to therapy ATM, I am trying to do my best with the help of books. Would love to give short reviews of what I've read so far and what I'll read as well as hear what helped other farmers (or didn't, kek).

>>478058
sorry I've only read one self help book (although I own like 5 lol). it was 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck' and it had some really good advice in it but I also didn't like it that much because he used a lot of anecdotal reasoning in it, didn't go into depth very much, made lots of generalizations and the writing style was very sensationalized and it almost felt to me more like the book was more about sensationalism rather than actual self help. but like I said there was some really good points in it, although it was a while ago when I read it so I don't I don't remember everything. but the main point of the book was that a lot of the valuable things in life come from what you reject rather than what you accept into your life.

I've heard a really good self help book is 'the worry cure' by robert leahy, particularly for anxiety, but I haven't read it yet.

also I know this is random but I really liked a book called "dreams 1-2-3" by j.m. debord, although it's a dream interpretation book and not a self help book, it really breaks down dream interpretation and how our minds process things and after I read it I felt like I understood myself better and my life was improved.

My mental health has gotten so much better since I started therapy again but this is the time of year that my depression always starts and I've already noticed a change in my behavior. I slept until 12 in the afternoon yesterday, declined going to a Halloween party my friends have been planning for weeks (that I already had a costume for), and today I'm working from home because I don't have the energy to go into the office.

My main goals today are to work, eat, and workout since I haven't done any exercise in days. Trying not to view this as a setback but it sucks doing so well only to have the negative thoughts start up again.

My next therapy session isn't until the 15th so I have to keep going until then.

>>478058
Depends on what your issue is. The Complex PTSD Workbook by Arielle Schwartz is helpful because its a lot of the exercises you learn early in therapy for like..finding and keeping stability. The No Bullshit Guide to Depression has a lot of useful exercises as well.

>>478058
https://b-ok.cc/book/2036997/490481
depends on your issue. Do you have depression, mental disorder, anxiety? I find psychology 'how to treat patients' books good

>>478058
yes please! I want to recommend 'feeling good: the new mood therapy' by David D Burns M.D. this book helped me a lot when I was suicidal. it's CBT focused and the author is one of the pioneers in that kind of therapy.

btw are we allowed to post links to pdfs, ebooks and audiobooks here?

at the minute my depression is under control, thanks to meditation, my medication and monitoring my self talk/my overall outlook. my anxiety is okay too, I wake up occasionally in the night and feel panicked but I'll put a nature video on youtube, go on a doll creator site or call my voicemail and just listen to the robotic voice all while deep breathing until I'm okay to get back to sleep.

to be honest though I'm very much in my comfort zone. I'm eating like shit and binging. sleeping late and waking up at around midday. I'm still in my isolating job (cleaning) and not doing much else but watch youtube and play sims. I am managing my meditation practice but it's been dwindling recently. I went around 7 days without a session recently, the longest since 2016.

I have some goals though, the first being to see my gp next month (made the appointment yesterday) to talk about my medication and other health issues (I have bad IBS/a gut issue which I think could be SIBO). I want to get back on track with a mindfulness book/program I started last month called the mindful vegan to help with my binges and cravings for junk.

longer term I want to quit my job and do something new. I also want to try my best to do more things outside the house, I'm doing something fun with my mum this friday and I hope to see my aunty and cousins soon.

is there anyone who last year+ were at the lowest point in their life that is now thriving? i want to live voraciously through you and have some hope that it'll get better for me.

>>481888
I don't know about thriving, but I'm doing better than I ever hoped
My mom kicked me out of the house that she dragged me back to because the last time I lived by myself I ended up trying to commit suicide because I was just so unloved

Now I have my own place, I'm taking meds, I have a great job–technically I would be thriving if my meds were stronger so I stopped feeling so hopeless and started focusing on hobbies and my social life
But I'm just about there and you can be there with me if you want
Don't give up

>>481888
Yes. Only to realize after periods of thriving and then getting kicked in the gut by life again and then rising again and then getting kicked to the floor again and then getting up and thriving only to be beat down again, and getting up… that what I though was the lowest point wasn't anywhere near to what I thought was my limit. And what I thought was my best was nowhere near what I was capable of.
What I once thought was worst and best is nothing compared to what came after.

I can tell you're young just by your question. And I can tell you with utmost certainty that it's not only going to get far better, but also far worse. Again and again. Many times.

i have panic disorder with agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder, health anxiety, and OCD. i have a lot of shame for some of the things i've done over the years. the biggest shame is that i wasted a lot of doctors' time in emergency rooms because i thought i was dying. over the past twenty years (oldfag) i've probably averaged about fifteen to eighteen visits per year to my local er. i never doctor shopped or looked for meds, but i needed someone who i trusted to tell me i wasn't dying.

anyhow, this therapy i've been doing, which is an offshoot of cbt and dbt, is called act - for acceptance and commitment therapy - and i think it's good. i did cbt for years but for whatever reason i just couldn't move forward. this december will make it three years since i've been to an emergency room for a panic attack. i feel really proud about it because it's been scary, but i am learning how to handle my fears of death. there's a lot of focus on mindfulness, on understanding that we can't control things, only accept, and the idea that the stories we tell ourselves are important for our mental health. in the past, i let my trauma define me, but now i'm trying hard to be me, and not my traumas. i get ashamed because it sounds simple, like of course people would approach life like this, but i never could.

i still have trouble leaving my house, but the more friends that are with me, it makes it easier. like they form a bubble around us that keeps the bad things out. i don't ever want kids because i don't want to pass any of this onto them, but i do have a great husband and the best friends, even though i fuck up a lot. i think the hardest part is learning to stop hating myself. i never see what other people see in me, but maybe someday i will. hope everyone here has a good night and takes care of themselves.

>>481924
What a load of privileged egocentric bullcrap.

>>481955
NTA but what. How is any of it privileged or egocentric?

>>481924
Good for you, anon. I've struggled with panic and agoraphobia my whole life too and you hit the nail on the head about learning to tell different stories. It's so fucking hard and it's so easy to feel it compounded by shame–being a shut-in, having to explain it to people, etc. I'm gonna look into ACT therapy, ty.

I've been better at establishing and reaffirming my boundaries.

Growing up with a narcissist mother and an abusive/emotionally unavailable father, I never got to have any say in my life. It was always what my domineering mother or neglectful father wanted. I had to do and be whatever they wanted, or else. I'm almost 30 and I still don't quite 'know' myself, I just know what pain I've experienced and what I don't want to go through again. My father outright abandoned me in the middle of nowhere after a fight in the car (I was 13 and haven't seen him since, I'm 28) and as of May I went no contact with my psychotic mother who could do nothing but berate me for my life choices and take out her miserable existence on me. Of course there was my stepdad, but he often enabled my mom mostly out of fear of towing the line and not rocking the boat as she's a menace when she feels crossed (they divorced recently which really amped her crazy).

She especially disgusts me, and I'm glad I don't have to deal with her toxicity despite her coordinated efforts to even get her family in on guilting me to talk to her again. Which won't happen, not without my say so–much to her control freak frustration. To this day she insults me in letters she writes to me hoping to provoke my response. She craves my attention and submission again. She calls me "sensitive" and claims her only flaw as a parent was having done too much for me, and that anything else must not have been her fault. I'm lucky that I'm no longer in a situation where she can financially dominate me (paying for my phone bill, car insurance, etc) because she always lorded those things over my head for power, and so help me god if I didn't show gratitude up to her satisfaction. Sometimes my stepdad annoys me because even though he's not in contact with her ass either, he still says shit like "But she's your mom!" whenever he brings her up and I say I don't want to talk to her.
It feels good to rehash the boundary to his face, but I'm still irritated that for all this bitch has done, my stepdad still defends her indefensible nonsense.

It's both hurt and helped me to recognize that I am a child of terrible people who had no business being parents. Hurt, because I think of how things could have been better had I been born to stable and loving people. Helped, because I was in denial that my parents were fucked people for so long that I refused to see issues and admit there were problems within me as a result. I suffered for years and now I'm finally healing.

I have rejection sensitivity, because my child trauma and inner critic always told me I was never good enough, and that I should just expect my wants to get trounced on while being discarded the second I don't perform the way others want me to. It's given me a lot of anxiety, and a perceived powerlessness over my general life situation. I mean, how am I supposed to feel agency when I've never been allowed to empower myself without deferring the credit to someone else?
As a consequence of that mindset, I've dated abusers. I've stuck around and appeased shit friends who just took advantage of me, or kept me around as a punching bag. I've tried to save toxic relationships that had no business for going on as long as they did because I just wanted someone to stick. I didn't want to be abandoned no matter the cost. Not again. I didn't want to be alone and have to be by myself with all those horrible feelings I had as a child. The way I had it figured, if these toxic people in my life gave me a good day or a scrap of good intent, then it made all the tears and sacrifice worth it. Except it didn't, and when the abusers wound up abandoning me anyway or using me to my breaking point, I just wound up with my loneliness and emptiness in the end regardless.

I don't take abuse anymore. I don't hold grand expectations for dates. Just standards. It still hurts to be rejected, but I don't obsess.
Even having obtained my first job where I have some fucking dignity and not treated like an automaton has helped significantly boost my sense of worth.
I like feeling that I'm good at my job and my hobbies. It validates me to know that my worth as a person doesn't ride on someone else loving me or being attracted to me.I'm my own individual who finally has the power to say no, and not let things affect me so badly anymore. "Love" was always the carrot that other people held over my head, and it feels good to finally have the perspective to walk away instead of chase it.

>>481955
i dont have anons problems but if you could please keep your unhelpful shit out of a thread meant for self improvement, and especially when anon is apparently improving dramatically, that'd be great. thanks.

>>481970
NTA but >>481955 probably lives in some 2nd/3rd world shithole where mental health as a concept is laughable. They probably believe the only way one can be productive is through earning an income.

>>481905
NTA, I want to follow up on this though

It won't necessarily be worse, but it's okay if it is
Hopefully you can find the clarity to think "I've felt like it could never be worse than it is now and I've overcome that–this is just another one of those periods"

>>481975
i hope it can help you out, too! there are a lot of workbooks for it, the three i use the most are from that company new horizons, but all of the books were recommended to me by my therapist. it's a newer therapy, but i honestly think it's a good one. i've been housebound for years but with it, and my meds, i've been able to go outside again. i can walk my dog. it sounds small but for me it's huge. in six months i'd like to be able to try some volunteering, maybe working in a soup kitchen or reading to older people, something that helps people; and maybe in a year i could even have a job again, or get my license back.

it's helped me to have hope again and i wish the best to all anons. don't ever give up on yourselves.

>>371854
Mental illness for a long time IMMENSELY aggravated rn by the break up of a very long term relationship.

Dealing with depression, anxiety, and anorexia's enough, and with this on top it's all aaaargheuuurghhh. Y'know.

I don't have the patience for self help books (ALTHOUGH if anyone wants links to a particular self help book I might be able to send you a digitial version, so keep that in mind).

I've been watching youtube videos about heartbreak. Can't relate to a lot, especially the "surround yourself with friends and family" seeing how I don't have any because long term relationship.

I found this one is really good though. It can apply to anyone in your life who was toxic and you need to get them the fuck out of your life and try to move on in some way.

Her advice is so good to me I've transcribed it all.

Anyway, thought I'd share this if you're already in a bad place mentally with a shitty relationship going on. However you deal with the girl's words is up to you, of course.

Remember the offer of links to self help books. I have stacks of digitals on all aspects of mental health and self improvement.

>>482137
Close. Concepts like "productive" and "income" are first-world ideas.

Looking out for one another is how we survive.

Anon described herself as someone who hogs attention to herself and is unable to look after herself let alone others.

Come war and food shortage, what do you think happens to people like her? They magically become like everyone else.

>>482137
Samefag.
Also, just so you don't get this wrong, mental health is not a joke to us. Shrinks were working 24/7 just to stop people from killing themselves.
Unfortunately, there was nothing much more they could do while bombs were falling than hand sedative after sedative.

I'm having an appointment with a psychiatrist next month. I'm absolutely terrified they'll tell me to fuck off. I don't really know what to say or expect but I really hope this is the start of something positive.

As I'm growing up a bit more I'm starting to become more aware of things and why I might be the way i'am. Like realising I actually grew up in a cult and was never socialised properly and told that schooling was bad and I was kept away and neglected by my mother and rejected by my father. I think I have a severe anxiety disorder and social issues which brings me to ask does anyone have any books or resources they can recommend on 'teaching' how to socialise? how to be a "popular normie" and not freak people out in every interaction? A body language book? Or any good books on how to actually improve self esteem because mine is so bad I don't even think I deserve friends and thus ignore them cos I know I'm awful and stupid and bring nothing to their lives.

Any good self help strategies to stop self sabotaging due to unconscious biases brought on by being raised by narcissistic parents? I can't go to therapy atm because I self sabotaged my self and my financial security too hard this past year. How do I stop doing that anons?

>>371854
>>371860
I’m about to quit smoking weed, it’s holding me back from everything I want to do in my life. I’ve downloaded this app (like smoke free but for weed specifically) I’m going to start exercising and meditating and cooking proper meals for myself everyday. Anything to distract myself. Sounds pathetic but I’m terrified to go without at least 3 joints a day

I will do literally anything to stop smoking weed. I’ve been ruining my life over it for 7 years.

>>489027
Samefag but if anyone has any success stories with this - comparisons from when they smoked weed everyday vs when they quit I would love to hear them, I want to be able to think quicker, be more organised, less depressed anxious and hopeless, and especially more creative

i've finally started therapy, it's been a few weeks and it's going well but kind of… doesn't stick? like after the session i'll feel really good for a day or two but by the next session, i'll feel horrible again.

i've had diagnosed major depression since my teens (i'm mid 20s now), i have massive amounts of anxiety, i've been sexually abused and almost immediately after the realization of that, the incident was used to manipulate me by someone similar to onision in character, bad, bad relationship. also lost both parents one after another at an early age, mom the latest, 2 years ago.

i've very much repressed all i could and i'm only now… dealing with it? if that's what you could call it. i'm trying to accept the sexual abuse wasn't my fault but my brain is used to thinking like that so it's hard.

but even after working on that with my therapist… i just have no passions. i should have graduated a couple years ago and i still haven't (gonna happen this coming january), but i also have no job, or hobbies really, or friends… i have nothing. i feel like i am nothing. i'm not into anything, i barely feel attraction to anyone and when i do, it comes with a sense of sadness because of the realization that i can never be good enough for them. or normal. i haven't had sex for such a long fucking time too.

is it too late for me? a mid-20s good-for-nothing woman who has nothing interesting about her? i feel like i should just give up.

i don't even want to recognise how sad writing these here is. like i have no one. completely alone on a saturday night, on lolcow, posting about my mental illness. how fucking miserable.

only positive thing i can think of about my recent life is the fact that i made it all 3 of my pilates classes this week. looked at my ugly skinny-fat body in the mirror. but i went there and did some ~sports i guess. i'm also taking melatonin so i'm fixing my sleeping schedule so i'm not more of a hermit that lives at night.

>>489046
You're doing great. You definitely won't feel better right after doing a session or two. It took me 4 1/2 years of going to therapy to recover from a panic disorder. Recovery is not linear and has many ups and downs, good days bad days bad hours good hours bad weeks good weeks. It varies from day to day, but during recovery the bad moments don't last as long and you become desensitized with the skills you've gained and vented out.

>>489048
thank you anon. know that this message helped me loads.

>>489046
I have sexual trauma from childhood and have gone to therapy sessions and felt like absolute shit the second that I left the office. I've stood dazed at the bus stop afterwards and cried on the bus journeys home. Then random snippets of memory were set off between sessions which brought me down too. Therapy drags up that old shit and makes us really acknowledge it. We won't always feel great after a therapy session even if technically it is helping. All part of a hard process

Mid twenties isn't too late anon! It's a pretty common age where these issues really come to the surface and require attention. It'll be worth the work anon

>>489033
I was similar to you anon, 6 years but I was smoking bongs. a couple before work then nonstop after until bed. I stopped in February and I feel so much better. I can remember things, which keeps me organised, which makes me feel more in control. I always thought it was helping my anxiety but since I stopped my anxiety is way way down. 2 weeks after I quit I had a joint and had a panic attack. but this last month I have started having the occasional joint in the evening, always shared with a few people, and it's nice to know I can do that now. just take a good long break before you do.

I was actually surprised how hard it was to stop. I struggled hard to sleep, woke up sweaty multiple times a night, and had a ball of rage in my chest during the day. so maybe be prepared for that, I feel like people don't really talk about it. but it's worth it!

>>489027
Holy shit, that was my post! 9 months later and incredibly coincidentally today was the first day in a while that I didn't smoke all day long. So basically I'm struggling as well. But I'm in a totally different place than I was when I posted that because I kept up with the exercise and eating well (although I do slip up a lot too, it's all part of the process [unfortunately]). Progress really is up and down anon so i wanted to post honestly and let you know. Even though I'm still clearly struggling with weed I've made strides by focusing on other symptoms of my unhappiness. Now that I've made those strides elsewhere I'm right back at really, really wanting and needing to stop smoking. As other things in my life fall into place and I get healthier, getting high all day long just doesn't make sense. I hope I'm explaining it well.
You're totally in the right mindset with exercising, meditating, and cooking. Remember to take baby steps as to not overwhelm yourself. The exercise kind of awakens the body and your mind will want to follow suit and it'll be even more motivation to want a clear head. At least that's what it feels like rn for me. I'm super neet-y and didn't have any semblance of routine so I began a simple one a few months ago and it has helped vastly. Idk if that's relateable to you personally but if so, consider starting a daily routine so you're not feeling aimless and like fuck it, you want to smoke. I'm sick of this shit too and I'm sick of hindering my mind and cognition by abusing marijuana. I totally relate to what you said about wanting your creativity back as well.


>>489249
This is super inspiring and helpful, thank you for sharing your experience! Congrats on your new mindset. I'm so glad both of you posted tonight and that I saw it. Not to be all woo woo but it feels like a sign kek

Good luck to both of you. I hope we can get inspiration from eachother again

Double posting but >>489268
>I’m terrified to go without at least 3 joints a day
Take baby steps with this too. Smoke 2 a day or even 2 and a half–whatever you need to cut down even a little! Do it. It'll feel silly at first to be making such seemingly tiny changes but fuck it, no one ever died from feeling silly while doing something they know will help themselves. Progress is progress! In my post above this one I mentioned I'm quitting today too. My baby step is to quit smoking during the day. It's totally embarrassing that I can't just stop but I have to be kind to myself and find where my balance is of moving forward and not falling apart. I'm sure I'm rambling now but I hope my perspective can be helpful to you in some way

>>371854
>>489249
>>489268
Thank you, this is really helpful. I’m going to maybe try a week of 1 in the evening and then go 2 weeks entirely cold turkey. For the past 3 years every bag I get is “the last one” and that’s not helping, it gives me almost separation anxiety.

Same as you i just want to smoke and be high all the time and I don’t care about much else. I’ve managed to get back into fiction writing but I can’t do more than 2 pages at a time because I’m just too high to know wtf I’m saying. I feel like my thoughts are constricted and that I’d be so much more mentally efficient and emotionally strong.

Also unrelated but I can’t talk to males I find attractive without behaving like a turboautist, sometimes they’ll be attracted to me too but I’ll just ruin it kek.

>>489308
You can do it anon! Life is too short to stifle ourselves! Sending love and strength your way today~

I'm finally going to therapy for my many issues.
Tomorrow I have a second appointment. I stress the fuck up cause what if I don't know what to say?
Also what do I do when I finish talking and the therapist stares at me for a minute or two, it's very stressful to me. Do I stare at my knees? I ruined my first attempt at therapy cause it made me babble just to stop the silence and the therapist thought I always constantly talk when I have the opposite problem (socially mute retard).

>>371876
I cannot believe it's been almost a year since I wrote this. My big goals have almost been fully accomplished. I can eat leftovers now, to an extent. I also got a new job where I'm walking at least a mile a day and I'm driving half of the time.
One of the biggest things that's helped me throughout all this is exercise. It's so, so crucial even though my job requires walking. Skipping going once a week to the gym can seriously affect my mood and how well I handle the sensations. I don't even do much, I just go on the elliptical for about 15 minutes and then fuck around in the weight room lifting 10-35 pounds on different machines. Feeling excused from exercising gives the anxiety less power. I'm considering going to Zumba classes, which are free with my membership, but they're usually during times I'm probably sleeping.
Anyway, I'm still going to therapy, I see her about once a month now and she says I'm doing an excellent job and can see such an improvement.
My next goal is to start brushing my teeth again using toothpaste, and doing it consistently. The minty sensation and bitter taste triggers PTSD and I know this is one battle that needs to be accomplished. Water flossing and just using a wet toothbrush with nothing on it can only do so much. I do worry about my dental health. So, that's next on the list. Time to challenge myself and I know for sure it's the right time to start.

>>505243
Congrats anon!!! You are so inspiring. I wish you all the best on your mental health journey.
Do you pay for your therapy? Anyway it's nice to have proof that it's worth it

>>505232
Plan it out of course! I'm not saying write up a speech and memorize, just while you have the time jot down the things that come to mind which are bothering you. You'll be able to organize your thoughts more and also not panic and fumble for words or examples during your appointment. Not like they'd refuse your writing down some stuff you want to talk about - as for what to do after you finish talking, it's perfectly fine to avert eye contact and stare at the floor or wherever you want.