I had to do the squatty potty stance yesterday night at my bf's house.
I had come to his place after being out with my friends. I was drunk and high as hell. We had eaten greasy pub burgers, and so by the time I arrived at bf's place I was ready to pop.
I waited for bf to go to sleep. Yeah. Potty time.
I went into the shared bathroom he had with his roommates and nothing was too unusual except for what seemed like some extra tp someone leftover in the toilet.
I peed and squeezed out a couple of small tidbits. Flushed.
SOMEONE BEFORE ME HAD STOPPED UP THE FUCKING TOILET BECAUSE SUDDENLY WATER WITH MY POO PEBBLES ALMOST BREACHED THE TOP RIM!!
Worse yet, I realized my body had tricked me with stealth poop; turns out the hard little bits I had squeezed out prior were merely a portent of the liquid shit that was to come. I didn't have much time left. Furthermore, this was the only toilet in the house. No plunger.
I panicked, and I was paranoid.
I didn't want to wake the house and then be accused of being the one who clogged the john. I didn't want them to know it was my poop in there! I scooted back into bf's bedroom and thought of somewhere I could shit, it couldn't be directly outside because it was an urban area.
But…his porch was perfect. It has a solid barrier about waist high. I found a plastic shopping bag that said "Thank You :)" on it and I committed to my deed. I grabbed some tp and stepped outside onto the porch.
At first I was apprehensive because I wasn't sure if I was positioning my butthole directly over the bag, so I grabbed a tray of some potting soil and put the bag on top of it in case I missed. Certainly I didn't have any cleaning supplies to clean my shit off the porch if I missed.
Anyway. I dropped the payload, wiped myself, tied off the bag, and then plunked the "Thank You :)" into a conveniently placed trash can right below the porch. I must say, I didn't even require much tp because the squatty stance kept my butthole relatively clean.
Nobody has found out what I did. I slunk back into bf's bed knowing minutes prior I took a dump on his porch.
10/10, would recommend the squatty method for optimum doody.