File: 1440740881570.jpg (283.45 KB, 930x556, 1362143615001.jpg)
No. 32616
I attempted suicide last year in July. It isn't worth it, and is the most terrifying thing you will ever experience at your own decision.
So here's my story. I hope I can give someone some introspective. I'll make it short.
>Dad is diagnosed with cancer when I'm 16
>Get a job and change to an accelerated school so I can help my Dad
>3 days before I graduate at 17 Dad dies suddenly
>I go to live with my Godparents in another state b/c Mom is dealing with her own shit
>Develop an ED, get back into cutting, rarely speak to anyone or leave my room
>Completely consumed by my ED and depression
>Now 18, Mom asks me to come house sit for her
>At this point only living off of liquids and sleeping a lot
>When Mom gets home I faint one day and go to hospital
>Get pain meds, sleeping meds, and strong vitamins(was told fainting was from lack of nutrients)
>Didn't sleep for 4 days
>Feel a sudden wave of the strongest depression I've ever felt
>Decide to take some sleeping meds
>After taking 4, I feel something telling me to take more
>Before I know it I've taken every bottle of meds I'd been given
>I can feel myself slipping away
>Literally feels like I am sinking into the floor, like something is dragging me down
>Go into the liquor cabinet and drink everything I can
>Put on my favorite pajamas, crying so hard I can't see and curl up ready to die
I don't remember anything after this. All I can remember is waking up in the hospital, not able to speak. I felt a feeling I haven't felt since- freedom. Like I had a second chance. All I wanted to do was go ride a roller coaster and hug my friends.
But instead, I was put in the mental hospital for a month. When I was released, they said "I'm not going to see you in the newspaper am I?". They put me on depression meds but I couldn't afford them at the time for more than a few months. The withdrawals were hell.
It's been 2 years now and I'm living in my own place in an amazing city. I've met many wonderful people and got some great hobbies. I love my dog, my family, and I know that there are so many amazing things to see.
I can promise you there is more to life. Some say if you kill yourself you repeat your life over and over until you die naturally. I kind of believe that now.
No. 32618
>>32615Seppuku
* Sudoku is a math puzzle kek.
No. 32660
File: 1440771826337.gif (1.83 KB, 523x297, finns amirite.gif)
I've felt like killing myself most days for the past 10 years but something keeps me from doing it. Probably that I'm a pussy. I have thought extensively about how I would want to do it if I did. Nothing seems right. Maybe that's all it is–nothing seems right.
No. 32675
File: 1440777688173.jpg (91.54 KB, 600x600, 1391180179622.jpg)
Yes. I'm weird looking and awkward sometimes and just feel empty. Depressed/melancholy I guess.
I don't have a gun though so I won't do it. It's the only surefire way to end yourself. Even then I'd be too much of a pussy I bet. Plus my family, namely my mom would loose it.
No. 32677
>>32675>I don't have a gun though so I won't do it. It's the only surefire way to end yourself.I wish. You can botch even that. My grandfather did.
>>32676You sound like me. I've tried waiting for my ED to kill me, but my body just won't fucking quit. I've known people who've had heart attacks at much higher weights. I don't understand.
No. 32789
File: 1440815367237.jpg (98.96 KB, 500x402, 1415924904864.jpg)
Sometimes I think it would be nice to just disappear. I have no job, I have my own apartment thankfully, but I feel like i'm slowly losing my friends. No idea about my future because i'm just too lazy. Still i'd never kill myself. I'm just happy if i can keep playing games
No. 32891
>>32677I feel you brah
I'm super underweight (bmi 15.1) and I have tachychardia
tf
No. 34371
>>34302I'm just a burden on them. They've made it clear that I've ruined their lives.
>>34303Well, I didn't that day, but who knows what the future will bring (probably more of me being a gigantic fucking pussy and being suicidal but not doing anything about it). I always figured that, if I made it to 27, I'd kill myself then, and I just turned 27, sooooo
No. 34394
>>34388Heh, that's all very easy to say when you don't know the other person's situation.
The idea the killing yourself takes 'balls' is silly too, I fully accept it's the coward's way out because I'm incapable of getting over my problems.
No. 34402
>>34397>>34398I haven't made any new friends in years.
I don't worry about travelling because I've always done things on my own, maybe I will do some in these last months, but the idea I'm going to suddenly be able to go party with strangers, magically find drug dealers in these other countries and generally have a wild time is ridiculous. Just because I'm not scared of dying doesn't mean I'm suddenly capable of holding a conversation and passing the 'acquaintance' stage with people. Actually typing that out highlights how fucking pathetic it is, but there you go. I've tried for years, but I don't see a future where I have a smidgen of confidence.
Being socially retarded is not the only thing going on in my life, before someone else comes in saying that's a stupid thing to kill yourself over.
'Not caring about my wellbeing' just means I'm drinking a fuckton every day now.
No. 34405
>>34402If I didn't care about living I'd just become a whore and make a lot of money spend it all on Chanel and Japanese brands. It's not hard to find a dealer if you just don't give a damn anymore plus when you're high you become outgoing.
I'm not trying to stop you from doing it I'm just saying if I didn't care about living anymore that's what I'd do.
No. 34413
>>34103here.
>>34404I can relate. I hate thinking of my parents having to deal with my funeral and shit. I think eventually I'll get up the courage to jump off of something, but probably not a bridge. Sitting on that railing, I kept thinking, "What if I don't die when I hit the water?" and I eventually chickened out. I'm just so fucking scared of not doing it properly and surviving.
No. 34435
>>34432>the energy for any of that. Try speed.
I'm not trying to get you to want to live or anything but they way I see it if your life is already shit and you want to die anyway, it wouldn't hurt to try a lot of stuff and then die after or during.
No. 34489
>>34435I'm
>>34433 not
>>34432 but I wouldn't even know how to get hard drugs if I wanted to. I'm an Assburger shut-in with no income, friends, connections, or "street smarts."
No. 34502
>>34492That would be funny. I do live in the neighborhood that borders "the ghetto." I'd be so out of place as a white, painfully shy nerd who looks like she's in middle school. Thing is, I'm fine with getting shot (actually yes please do shoot me), but I'm not down with any sucking or fucking to get my hands on some drugs. I don't want to end my life with a gangbang, thanks. I guess being the star of a snuff film would be a worthy way to go, though. At least I'd leave some sort of a legacy.
I'm in a state that allows physician-assisted suicide for patients predicted to live for six months or less. It pisses me off, because I have chronic physical and mental illnesses that won't kill me (or, at least, not in six months) but that drastically reduce my quality of life. I think I should be able to opt out, too. Instead, I'm stuck waiting and hoping that I get terminal cancer or something. I want to get my hands on some of those good drugs that are actually all but guaranteed to kill you dead.
I don't have enough of anything lethal enough on hand, unfortunately. I found out the hard way that benzos are extremely difficult to OD on; also, suicide by cop isn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be, and people have an annoying tendency to honk and slam on the brakes or swerve if you dart into the street in front of them.
It all comes down to me not being able to "just do it, faggot." I wish I could. I'm pathetic in every single way, including my inability to off myself.
No. 43659
File: 1445397839776.png (44.56 KB, 240x275, natsuo.png)
>>34497I felt this way about my cat who I've had since I was 4. When I was younger, she was always my reason not to leave home or fuck my life up too far. (this gets really life story and tl;dr from here, just to warn anyone reading).
She died near the end of last month. Even though she was 19, I didn't expect it at all, and had to put her down really suddenly.
I'm still here, but every night I dream of her. Sometimes all I can see is her face dead after the air left her body.
I no longer wish to kill myself. But I do wish I would die, so I could be with her again. It's easier going to bed when you imagine you might die in your sleep and not wake up. Though knowing there's a big chance there's nothing after death, I am at a loss.
That tiny creature is really the only thing I've felt any kind of care for. Life is weird, now. Like there are no consequences. Like you couldn't get yourself arrested or let yourself do something too life threatening because you had to go home and care for that pet. But once they're gone it's harder to find meaning or morals.
Anyway, sorry for life story. Cherish your dog, Anon. Though I hope you find purpose outside of her.
No. 43663
File: 1445407185478.png (217.83 KB, 500x268, basedbill.png)
>tfw I am the 'stone' of unwavering support for the rest of my brainfucked family
>two members of my have tried to overdose before and they rely on my emotional and financial support
>killing myself would destroy the lives of people who need me
>i just want to slip silently into the abyss without anyone noticing
No. 43686
>>43663I related to that clip of Moonrise Kingdom so much.
I'm afraid of commitment. When I die, I can't un-die.
Also, I'm extremely self conscious about my body, and I don't want having to find my corpse and do shit with it. That freaks me out.
No. 43726
>>34497I'm not really suicidal anymore, but back when I was I credited my cat for keeping me alive. I knew that no matter what I had to stick around to take care of him since I made a promise to him when I adopted him as a kitten that I would always care for him. He wass innocent and no one wants an adult cat and I promised him that he would always be cared for. He died suddenly after only eight years and even though he's been gone for months I am still mourning him, though I am no longer suicidal.
I say I'm not suicidal anymore, but I still think of suicide–it's an unbidden thought at times, "It's okay; you can just kill yourself if you really want to." It may sound macabre, but I find it comforting since I no longer actively want to kill myself.
If I did kill myself, though, it would be by going off the side of the highway at a sharp turn–something so that my family could have plausible deniability for their own sakes that it was "just an accident." I think of it going to work and coming home since there are sharp turns–especially when it rains: I could just "hydroplane"–no one could ever know for sure and then I could be just one more of those little white crosses on the side of the road, a reminder to others to take care at sharp turns, that others have died in road accidents here.
No. 43738
>>34497>>43659I got a dog three years ago, after my therapist told me it could me good for me. Now I don't even want to know what will happen with me if she dies, seriously, my life improved a lot, even I started exercising (mostly running) when I take her to the park.
Pets should be immortal.
No. 43754
>>43659Anon… there are tears in my eyes. I don't know what I'm going to do when I lost my cat. I know that I have to take care of her.. I'm so sorry about your loss.
This thread is really sad guys, mostly because I feel a lot of the same ways you all do. I just want you all to know that we are all humans, we all fuck up. Please try to have some sympathy for yourselves. You're trying, you know? You've made it this fucking far.
Anyway.. you guys aren't alone. We're all here together. Don't give up.
No. 43767
File: 1445535144371.png (99.14 KB, 287x223, y.png)
>>43754>>43659Damn, I feel you.
Since I stopped going out, my cat is my only friend and the only "person" I truly love. She's quite old now (13) and I swear, I'm so fucking afraid of losing her, I don't want her to leave me.
No. 43774
>>43749>I contemplate killing myself every few months simply because every time I start getting my shit together, paying off my debt and stable/making money I have another fucking episode and spiral back down again. That's the shit that's becoming harder and harder to cope with each time for me. It's discouraging realizing it's something I have to repeatedly battle and it will always come back.
I used to be a complete shut in NEET loser and I also missed out on socializing as a teenager. However, I somehow got my shit together and now I travel abroad for months, I have tons of friends and meet new people weekly, have an amazing boyfriend, I work from home so I can work anywhere; I definitely realize I'm incredibly fortunate to live the way I do, yet I still fall into my routine ruts. I've tried countless numbers of meds and therapy. I started giving even less of a fuck about my worth once I became successful. Basically I actually have taken the "world is your oyster" advice and while socializing does help keep me distracted, bettering myself has mainly just given me a bleaker view and amped up my depersonalization.
I get caught up in how objectively pointless everything is. We're on a tiny little planet in the middle of an unimaginable amount of space. I care about the people in my life and my pets but ultimately we do the same things every day every year until we die and no amount of therapy can distract me from that fact. I've done basically everything I wanted to do and I feel like I'm just passing time now. I'm in my mid 20s and I feel pretty fulfilled and ready to move on already. It stresses me the fuck out imagining the next 30? 40? years of my life. I've done and seen enough, I want out.
No. 43841
I will kill myself if I have Huntington's disease. It presents in an extreme way in my family and has been the root of so much evil in our lives. A lot of my relatives have committed suicide because of it. It has no treatment or cure. I watched my grandfather die from it. It's slowly taking my mother from me and also my aunts and cousins. There's a 50% chance I have it.
If my test is positive, I'm going to off myself before I'm 30. I won't have kids and I will divorce my husband. If it's negative, I'll probably kill myself anyway, because I'm such a pathetic piece of shit. I held back from investing in my life because I'm scared to lose it all to a disease. I'm unedcuated, jobless, fat, mentally ill, a coward, and rely on others to survive. I also don't want to live with the pain of watching the rest of my family die before me.
I never had a chance, honestly. I've been considering suicide since I was 8 years old. It will actually be a lot less painful for my loved ones if I kill myself now. It's either that or me becoming demented and abusing the shit out of them while I decay into an angry, delusional, cursing, skeletal corpse from hell.
I hope I get into a car accident or someone murders me before I have to make any decisions. That would be really beautiful.
No. 43865
>>43845I guess I meant it would be nice for me. Definitely not anyone else. I don't think it's "heroic" to die, but in the case I have the disease, I have to decide how long and how much I want to make other people suffer by existing. I'd rather not drag it out.
I'm still on the fence about killing myself if I don't have it. I don't know if I can deal with that yet.
No. 43882
>>43881Okay, but fucking dying isn't some ~beautiful tragic~ thing. It's the end of your life. It's the end of the life of someone who fucking loves you, who you love. It means that whenever someone hears your name, their heart will drop and they'll feel cold. You don't go anywhere when you die. You become nothing, nothing at all. Eventually, even your name will be washed from all records.
Death is not beautiful. It's not beautiful for those around you. It's not some tragic storyline. It's not romantic. It's cold, and unfeeling, and inescapable.
I may be suicidal, but at least I'm not full of shit.
(not that
>>43841 is full of shit, but my gears are just being grinded right now.)
No. 43927
>>43882I know what you're saying and you're not wrong, but you're reading a lot into this that isn't there. I probably
triggered that by using the word "beautiful". I used it almost ironically, because it
is only beautiful (as in wonderful, pleasing, etc. not tragic or romantic) to me. It's horribly ugly in anyone else's eyes.
I don't think it's the normal human experience to have to live with the knowledge that there's a huge possibility that you will lose control of your body and mind, die slowly, and ruin the lives of everyone around you in the process while not even being aware. I watched other people do it. It's like I've seen the future. Do I want to die now, while I still have some control over my life? Or do I build up a life for myself and then destroy it singlehandedly with my illness, cause immense pain and confusion, and
then die to top it all off?
I'm not going to be cute old grandma who forgets my kids' names or gets frustrated because I can't stop shaking. It goes beyond that. I'm going to tell my family I hate them, condemn them, become angry, violent, feel persecuted, and hurt myself. One of my aunts has it, and her ex husband and children have filed restraining orders against her. My mother has it and she treats me like trash. I've been on the receiving end for a long time so I know what it's like. That's how HD presents in EVERY affected person in my family, so I'm only trying to be reasonable.
Of course, I may not have the disease at all and this agonizing over my future was for nothing. I will have to sort through the pile of spaghetti that is my life and start over with a totally different outlook. Who knows how that will turn out.
I think I'm going to stop posting in here because this is more of a retarded blog post than anything. Crapping it all out anonymously was an effective way to blow off steam. I'm not crying about it anymore, at least.
No. 43938
I'm a foreveralone who is going to die alone. It isn't fair.
No one will care because I'm a NEET with no friends and men aren't interested in me for some reason. I see all these people together and wonder how it happens. How do you get anyone to even notice you are alive?
I didn't really get to go to school. I don't want to get into it but I was barely properly schooled and my mother pretty much ruined my life. My whole family is a dysfunctional mess and I hate them all. I thought I was the one who would be normal. But I wasn't. Maybe they all thought they'd be the normal one. But my time has passed. I don't have the energy to break the mold anymore.
I wasn't properly socialised so I missed out on how to get men to like me or make friends with anyone. I've considered prostitutes but I don't want to do anything illegal. I just want someone to pretend they like me for awhile. It doesn't have to be for real. I just want to hear it. At this point I would literally be with anyone. Just to feel alive and wanted.
I see no future for myself. Nothing. It's already too late. I'm starving myself and I'm obsessed with my weight. It's taken over my whole life. I have no reason to live at all.
I just don't care anymore. I really don't. I've lost the will to live.
>>43931I guess if there is something after death I'd want it to be reincarnation. I want another chance in a new body that's better than the trash I'm in now. But I'll take oblivion over being alive right now too.
No. 43971
>>43931>really you don't know shit. some people find beauty in darkness.Oh give me a break, you fucking 14 year old piece of shit.
>>43927I'm not trying to invalidate you nor your disease, anon. I'm really sorry you have to go through that. I've just lost a friend to suicide before so I get really, really butthurt whenever anyone tries to say that death is this beautiful, romantic thing (which I don't think you in particular were trying to day.)
I'm sorry for what you're going through. That's fucked up.
No. 44260
File: 1445895050680.gif (1.05 MB, 320x240, 1082.gif)
>>44258Nice work, hope you succeed in killing you're self.
No. 44268
Suicide is something I don't think I'll ever be rid of. I'm constantly in doubt of who I am, what I do and if anything I do in the long run matters to myself or even my family.
My relationships never work out,mi always have this expectation of how I need to be and I never seem to live up to it, I always annoy them, anger them or just make hem hate me in general before I'm alone again.
My anxiety has only been treated for the last two years as with my depression but none of it works. I try so hard to keep upbeat but I always beat myself down by the end of the day with the stupid things I say or do. And it's not me saying mean or in appropriate things, just more I can't control the words or noises so I end up looking like a total NEET all of the time.
I tried to diet and exercise, get a job, make friends, and while loosing a ton of weight and having a job helps a bit, I still feel that void in my mind, telling myself what's tithe point.
My job only likes me because I'm a workaholic. If I wasn't I know I'd be dead because I finally have something at keeps me out of the house and not thinking. The weight loss only ended up pushing me from depressed binge eater to depressed anxious anorexic. I thought the weight loss might help me feel better, not hate myself so much, but I only ended up noticing how horribly ugly I am and no matter how much weight you loose you can't fix ugly, and I'd save up for plastic surgery, but I know I'll never afford it between paying for a house,mead, expenses and my bf and cats. Plus my bf has hinted before he'd never approve of the surgery, so even though we're not doin good, or he might leave me anyway I don't want to chase him away with something like that.
My cat is about the only thing that keeps me going from my job. I used to love drawing and painting but after years of this and horrible relationships my creativity and mind are just done, I'm too tired to think or try anymore, she's the only thing that seems to know what's wrong with me and I never want to leave her. She's my world, even if she's only a cat. We also have a new kitten, but I'd say my bf will take her whenever he desides I'm just too much anymore and leaves.
Anyway, sorry for the long horrible post
I've been wanting to put his here for awhile, get this off my chest since I don't talk to anyone about this.
No. 44278
>>44273If she took an OD "this morning" and was posting on lolcow hours later, definitely not
Bitch probably took like 2 tylenol pills
No. 44289
>>43799I did importing with a friend overseas and saved up a bit of cash to dabble in foreign exchange. Extremely risky though so I definitely don't recommend it, I just have more lucky days than not.
I feel bad since a lot of you are where I also was just a couple years ago. I'm not trying to brag but it's ridiculously frustrating making it to the highest point I can imagine for myself in almost all aspects in my life and still feeling so low and suicidal. I have a lot more distractions now which is nice but it's too easy for me to run out of steam and get lost in my head.
No. 44366
>>44268My self image wasn't bad enough, I was scrolling through /snow and my coworker said I looked like sindy
She passed it off as a joke when she saw the look on my face, even tried to say she was sorry and she really didn't mean it
I know she did, I mean I knew I wasn't good looking, like below average but she just reaffirmed at I am ugly as shit
So add that with everything else and shit flying at me non stop this month, I'm ready for quits