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>tfw typed a detailed wall of text but deleted it because I don't want farmers accusing me of obsessing about it like they did in a different info thread
Jeez girls, I just wanna have a fleeting vent about my past, kay? I swear I don't mill over this everyday and I'm a much wiser adult…
>childhood bestie was a serial ghoster who justified her dismissive behavior by claiming "introversion"
And so for the majority of high school, I thought it was normal for friends to ignore me until they needed something or to talk. I was constantly nervous about coming off as annoying or obnoxious, and most people thought I myself was quiet until they got to know me. I was constantly taken advantage of because I thought dismissive behavior towards me until that person needed me was normal, and it felt good to be 'useful' because the bestie had made me feel so good for nothing.
What sucks is I still have problems reaching out to friends because the fear of bothering them or becoming too much is always in the back of my brain.
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Not to shit this thread up with men, but I'm used to having to give sexually in a relationship with men regardless of the fact I'm not attracted to men because I was sexually abused by a person that is still in my life and leers at me regularly, my only friend in high school was a guy I had to date to keep the friendship because it was a small private high school and I looked too goth for everybody else (even though I was goth at all, kek), and then when I thought I had made a good friend later in life, he raped me in various different ways but I'm an idiot socially so I continued being friends with him and now I'm his gf. I'm a pathetic pile of shit.
You're not a pile of shit at all, anon. You're a girl who hasn't found the ability to adequately stand up for herself and keeps being taken advantage of by horrible men.
For the love of god, grow a spine for your own sake, though. Maybe see a therapist and get help to break this dark cycle?
Anon, are you ok? Can you reach out to anyone irl to talk about that? I have no idea how shitty that must feel, but you have the right to be in a healthy relationship with someone that didn't abuse you or just be alone for a while to heal.
I hope you find the strenght in yourself to break up with him. You deserve better.
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I relate to this so much, save me.
That's how deeply the female socialization and conditioning to be always nice and keep everyone happy at all times can go. The thought process is something along the lines of "Sure I don't want to be with this guy, but he wants me to. If I say no I'm going to be directly responsible for his sadness/anger/frustration", and making someone unhappy for a "selfish" reason (the fact that I
don't want to) is unthinkable. It feels like a duty you can't possibly walk away from.
Most women have felt this way, though I don't think many have taken it quite this far.
The only way to exist comfortably in the world is to not give a fuck when people call you selfish. The shit people consider each other selfish for can get so batshit and entitled it blows my mind. So, it's selfish not to be with someone you don't want… but it's not selfish to make someone feel obligated to have sex with you?
The word "selfish" is just thrown around to shame people for not caving into what you want.
I was vague cause I didn't want to write a whole load of crap about BPD and relationships, but OP's stated that she had issues with people who have BPD being attracted to her, to the point where OP struggles to know how to form "normal" friendships.
Like if you want to make friends who don't have BPD and are having this much of an issue with it, I think you have to look at yourself and try and figure out why you keep ending up in friendships with people who probably aren't great for your wellbeing.
I'm not blaming anyone but OP doesn't have control over these BPD friends of hers, she can't read their minds and figure out why she keeps making friendships with them, she can only look inward at herself and try and change the situation from there really.
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met a FTM friend in high school. He was nice at first but later told me about his witchcraft hobby. I'm open to most religious practices. But he went overboard. He would cut his hand and use his blood for spells, cut people's locks of hair for curses or poppet dolls. Build shrines and try to call to the spirits. Would masturbate as a form of worship to a deity and chant things. I know all this because for a while we followed each other on tumblr. Somehow his posts would get thousands of notes too, so I'm guessing its a big community. It's beyond my comfort zone honestly. I feel like you should be able to live life without constantly relying on your religion as your only personality trait. Especially with practices like those.
>>243862>The word "selfish" is just thrown around to shame people for not caving into what you want.
I think it would be healthy to learn what the true selfishness is and what is just a word people are throwing around to get what they want.
For example - my mother, she wasn't a bad person but she was rather selfish. She'd eat all my food, she'd wake me up by pointing a flashlight into my eyes so she could ask me what she's going to eat that day, when I was going through a breakup I told her I don't feel like living and she asked me if that means I won't be going out to buy her food lmao. I mean can you imagine receiving a cake for both of you and you eat the entire thing, leaving nothing for your small child?
Now, what isn't selfishness - not wanting to go out with someone, not wanting to do certain sex acts, wanting to do something for yourself, etc.