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No. 2074659
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I keep realizing all my mistakes both in my current and last relationship were my problem and my issues with bad emotional regulation. I have done shitty cluster b shit to people and even though I try to be sweet, nice, caring, gentle, the pot always boils over, the cup overflows, and my instability has made me do incredibly shitty things that I regret that I hope people don't judge me forever for. Unfortunately not everyone will love you or think you're a poor little sad baby just because your parents were verbally abusive. It's all your own doing,p it's you. I'm the problem. At least I know now and I can choose to move on with more consciousness and try not to hurt anyone anymore even if I wasn't trying to be malignant to begin with. And that's the worst part, when you do things that at the time didn't seem malignant because you were in a wrecked mental state, but you still did shit and you still have to deal with the consequences. My only advice is that once you figure it out, don't ruminate on it too much and try to move on because one, you will keep bringing everyone down with you, and two, self flagellation isn't productive. If someone forgives you because they love you, accept it. If another person doesn't, let it be. That's all.
No. 2075769
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I'm the problem and I absolutely do not regret it. I use my ex's guilt of her cheating on me so she forks out her money for me. So far it's been alcohol and a few hundred dollars of birthday presents but I want more. I made her call me every night so she'll be reliant on needing to hear my voice in order for her to go to sleep.
I still want to date her anons, no matter what. I've been raised in a toxic family, had toxic relationships, and I'm in another. But it's jumping from the dumpster to a recycling bin, I'm keeping her around and I will do anything in my capabilities to have her stay. I will have a good relationship with her, we'll be normal and healthy in the future. But I'll make sure that she subconsciously understands that i'm her only option.
No. 2075890
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No never bc I am a perfect Angel princess who has never ever been wrong ever.
Jk, ASK ME ABOUT VOMITING IN TAXIS!
No. 2075897
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Wish I hadn’t taken so damn long to finish college. I’m so pissed at my younger self for being such a lazy shit. Hell im still a lazy shit but I’m actually trying to do things now. I wish I knew exactly what I wanted to do so I wasn’t meandering around so much. I feel bad because I felt so damn lost and detached at the time. It’s a constant battle of yeah I have no one else to blame for my failure except myself but also I genuinely had no idea what I was doing and was scared to do go further in life.
No. 2075905
>>2075046Isn’t it “I am the problem” thread? I posted about my life experience. Sorry for
triggering you.
No. 2075987
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>>2074656I am full of rage. I’m the
victim. I’m the villain. I’m the martyr. I hate myself so fucking much. To be quite frank if my rage could be harnessed as a source of energy I could probably produce enough electricity for the world for a few years. I overthink. I distrust everyone. I take the fall for the wrong people. I betray the right people at least. I’m a diseased ridden dumbass so I am the most useless parasite in existence. I am hateful. I am spiteful. I am vindictive. I’m that awful person that’s always right and so so so easy to hate and I don’t blame anybody that does. What’s the use of being right when it just alienates you from the world and makes your face more punchable to people? Who likes to hear I told you so from a detestable hateful loser like me?
At least I’m not violent. I want to be though but only to myself. I fantasize about having Freddy Kruger’s retarded as glove and running the razor sharp blades deeply into my skin and then pouring rubbing alcohol on my wounds and bandaging them up. Rinse and repeat.
I look like the female form of this guy so I ain’t got much going for me.
No. 2076598
>>2074656NEETing is my dream life. I'm currently living this lifestyle even though I am still studying. Waking up, eating breakfast, reading, eating lunch, napping during the afternoon, listening to a podcast, going to sleep. There is endless content to consoom and it's 100% free as long as you have an Internet connection and I hate that I can't do that all day.
I have an avoidant personality (different from avoidant attachment) and I feel so safe and happy when I don't have to interact with other people. Other people just disregulate me, give me anxiety, make me feel terrible about myself etc. Living in a society I'm supposed to contribute to is truly hell. Knowing at some point I will have to get a boring job where you just do the same thing all day until you retire.
I am genuinely so lazy and retarded it's not even funny. I am 100% self-aware to the point it makes me uncomfortable to live in my own skin but I am too lazy to do anything about it when it would mean leaving my comfort zone. I am my own enabler. The only people I can hurt at this point are my parents but it's really hard to care about them when I remember my childhood. Hell, I wouldn't have turned out like this if it wasn't for them. I need self-accountability to get out of this situation but I have none. I just want to chill with my screens holy shit you can't just create these super addictive devices, make it so I can download any content for free and then expect me to continue living life as normal. It's a depraved torture like one of those experiments where they give rats dopamine hits
No. 2076620
why am i so emotional nonnas? i can't control it, my emotions are running haywire 24/7. i can't regulate them at all, i'm like a toddler, which makes me so insecure. if i'm sad, i'm not just sad - i have a full on breakdown. if i'm angry, i'm livid and can't seem to think straight. if i'm happy, i'm completely overjoyed. it's so mentally exhausting. i try my best to control it, but people i care about in my life have seen my at my worst (angry, petty, vindictive, very mean girl-like) and that makes me so ashamed of myself…
No. 2076638
I yelled and fought with my boyfriend some days after his mom died because he told me he was still watching porn all along
That made everyone get angry at me, specially one other porn addicted gamer guy in his family
He's now convinced that I'm not good enough for him
And he has always said shit about me, like stuff like me being a gold digger because I'm not the same ethnicity as them, or bringing negativity to the table because I wasn't comfortable talking to him on dms where he talked about cumming inside his girlfriend
He also knows my boyfriend said he didn't love me anymore in some years ago because my boyfriend thought I was too much, and he had an hemorrhoid, and he wanted to stream and watch anime in his free time instead of spending time with me
The streaming only lasted a few weeks and then he came back to say he does like me
I have emotional regulation issues and I'm scared of his relative and honestly I don't know, I know I'm bad and maybe I don't deserve him after all, I'm poor and I don't amount to much and judging by the situation, even if my boyfriend forgave me, the other guy never will. I'm a retard cringe autist and I regret everything, I regret not going by my gut and trusting the guy because I legit thought he wanted to get to know me. I regret being the cool girl and I regret thinking men have good intentions.
No. 2079365
>>2077736Me too.
>have no friends, be desperately lonely >also refuse do anything to meet people because of the anxiety it gives me I'm literally the problem
No. 2110195
Without going into detail, yes
Most people I know in my life don't experience me this way and get mad when I start talking about how toxic I am, or how I think I am pathologically narcissistic (the avoidant & self-loathing kind, not the grandiose dominant kind), but they don't know me the way some people have known me. They haven't experienced me like that because I kept a safe distance and didn't involve them too much in my personal life, or allow them to get me involved too much in their personal lives.
It was enough for a few people to experience me as toxic, compulsively mean & draining and cut me off for me to internalize that as my identity for the past 2 years. I know this does not make me a better person. It is very narcissistic, if anything. Evidence of the same personality traits that made me a shitty friend to a few people to begin with.
Every time I see a thread about bad friends who need to be discarded, or even abusive mothers etc., I read the descriptions of their behaviour and think "That's me. People have experienced me like that." Even if it's really, really a stretch. I feel like every sick shitty draining toxic person.
I know the only way to be "good" is to stop hating myself. I know hating myself only makes me worse, only makes me more of the exact kind of person I don't want to be. But it is my natural, default state. Whenever I think of "who I am" I think of my worst actions, my sickest thoughts, my most harmful or pathetic personality traits. I am so sick of being this person. I wish I could go back and change the course of my development. Every time I meet another human being I just ask myself when they are going to figure out how fucked in the head I really am, or sniff out the depth of my repulsive insecurity.
No. 2111531
I’m self-involved, obsessive, avoidant, depressive, and have some bippy tendencies. I have difficulty keeping friends because of my extreme jealousy, which causes me to pull away and ghost people. I don’t feel bad about discarding people but feel an intense fear of being abandoned myself and am constantly seeking out someone new to replace whoever I’ve discarded. It’s difficult for me to focus my attention on more than one person at a time, and eventually I get disillusioned or bored. I hate keeping ‘loose ends’ and become angered when being reminded of people from my past. I prefer to forget everyone. I’m currently in a relationship. I sexted other men behind his back and badmouthed him to them when I was angry with him, then broke up with him and changed my mind afterwards. He took me back pretty much immediately (he’s in love with me because I’m his first girlfriend) and I never told him about what I did. I also baited him with statements about how I couldn’t live without him and how he’s the only man I want. At times I feel like I love him, but I’m not sure if I really do or if it’s just my pathologic need to avoid being alone. Sometimes I feel like I want to hurt him as a way of testing his love for me, and I’ll casually say hurtful things to him to see how he reacts, but not so overt that he realizes I’m doing it. I’ll say something vague to make him insecure, then when he questions me about it, I’ll say something else to make him uncertain. Then when I see that he’s worried, I’ll reassure him and tell him how much I love him and I’ll apologize for not expressing myself properly. He wants to get married and have a family, and when I think about the future, something about it doesn’t sit right in my head. I can sometimes imagine something happy, but other times I just think about how I could rope him in, entrench him completely, and then leave him without warning. I’m not sure why I want to do that. Maybe I want to feel important to someone, and hurting them is confirmation that they love me.
No. 2112602
>>2111584I shouldn't be "happy" to know someone shares these feelings, but I am happy not to feel alone. It makes me feel a little more like what I went through is "normal", maybe kind of a delayed-adolescence experience rather than a permanent mark on my character.
I use "narcissistic" in kind of a more expansive way, not the way people typically use it but the way I use it is consistent with psychological literature. I mean I have serious problems regulating my own self-esteem, I am still kind of fixated on figuring out who I am and asking people to show me who I am. I need to be good and worthy in somebody else's eyes in order to have any confidence that I'm good and worthy. And if someone who I really saw as trustworthy and a valuable judge turns to seeing me like a piece of shit or just something to be discarded, I'll get stuck on that for what seems like forever. If someone really wounds my sense of self and
triggers me into self-loathing I go crazy, I'll devolve into incoherent ugly impotent
toxic rage against that person and go nuts every time I'm reminded of them until I can completely remove myself. I thought I was over that, I thought it was something I left behind in childhood, but I was wrong. I'm seeing a therapist for stuff like this, but he hasn't given me any diagnostic words to describe what's going on with me, and he probably won't ever.
On the surface I was "kind", people still experience me as "kind" mostly. And it's not like I was being "kind" while secretly having some kind of self-serving scheme up my sleeve, although I am kind of chronically cynical and emotionally detached from others (I alternate between that and being really idealistic & reactive to others' experiences). But I think my "kindness" has, for a long time, been rooted in a sort of instinct to act whatever way is seen as good. It feels like a weak, appeasing, people-pleasing kindness. It doesn't feel like being genuinely, constitutionally good, a person I can value and respect.
No. 2120368
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>>2120211I'm literally inbetween "if I succeed I succeed and if I don't I will kms" but I will likely kms because my own laziness will befall me and therefore I will never succeed
No. 2120479
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There are some people I treated badly in life because I was bullied for many years, so being a mean bitch to them made me feel like less of a loser. One person confronted me online about it over a year ago and I felt so guilty that I deleted my online profile in shame.
Since recognizing my traumas, I make efforts to be kind to people I meet and I stand up for myself when in confrontations instead of backing down and lashing out at innocent people. I've missed out on many opportunities in life because I was so consumed by self-hatred for being too scared to have personal boundaries and push back against people who abused me.