/ot/ - off-topic

honestly i feel exactly the same way down to every last detail.

i don't know. i don't know why i'm still alive. i don't know why i somehow think i can dig myself out of this hole i've been in my whole life and make something of myself. i can't.

i'm just getting older and more miserable. i've been running out of reasons not to do it.

>>18489
Have you tried working on your hobbies? Anything that interests you? Anything silly that just makes you happy? What kind of stuff do you like?

>>18494
Don't be a dick.

>>18493
>>18495
Why not? It's not so easy as "work on your hobbies." I get tired of people telling me to do shit as if I haven't ever thought of that before.

Material comforts and hobbies can only bring you so much joy, and it's fleeting. If you can't find comfort or happiness in anything else then you're fucked. And that's my problem.

>>18496
This.

I have PTSD due to a sexual assault and I'm so tired of people saying "just do stuff". It's not that easy. As well, common symptoms of clinical depression (and PTSD) is just lack of interest in former hobbies, inability to focus on said hobbies when you do try, and even genuinely being UNABLE to experience excitement or joy.

To OP: find a psychologist you get along with and work with them. A good one will give you "homework" to do between visits - they'll ask you to go out and do things you WILL NOT want to do. But ultimately getting better is forcing yourself to do shit. A good one also won't make you feel bad if you don't do it, bht they will push you.

Recovery isn't a fun process and you might never be rid of the depression but with help you can at least start to function better than you are now. And honestly the only way out of the hole you're in is making yourself do all the things you don't want - including reconnecting with friends or making new ones.

Sorry for the novel but I relate. I've been in recovery for over a year and am only now starting to actually do the shit my psychologist and shrink have been telling me. And it is helping. I hope you find something that helps you. There is hope - and I've been there, anon. I tried to off myself and failed.

>>18496
>>18498
OK thank you for explaining. I'm not trying to troll you OP if that's how it has come across, I'm sorry. I just want to ask about that and start a conversation and I thought it was an innocent question. I didn't mean for hobbies to be the solution to all your problems. Like you said, it's fleeting. I have an online friend who suffers from depression and every day she posts worrying stuff on her social media so I tried to reach out by talking to her online with things we like to talk about. Eventually she decided to consult a therapist and so far it's working for her. Perhaps you might want to look for a different person to assist your medical needs if your current pyschologist isn't working for you.
Please please don't do anything to harm yourself.

I have gone to countless therapists and tried various types of therapy and nothing really seems to help.

Talking about shit only does so much. It helped a bit in the beginning, but now it's just rehashing the same things. The same theories. I've already come to terms with everything.

Meds work for a while and then they stop. Then the new meds work for a while and they stop. The cycle repeats.

I keep waking up and wondering why.

It's like a cancer that I've been doing everything I can to fight for the past 15 years. And it's vicious and it hurts, but sometimes it goes away, and then it creeps back.

I feel like I've done all I can to fix it only to realize…I can't fix it. I'm just permanently, mentally, ill, and it's never going to go away. This is how I am. And it's fucking miserable.

If I could get that part of my brain removed, I would. I function in society and no one really knows unless they know me well, and no one really knows me well. I don't even have the motivation to kill myself.

>>18510
Ot but this pic is really fucking calming to look at

>have been trying to lose weight since ten years old
>still have never been skinny, ten years later

I'm depressed a lot. I've been more depressed than I realized. Last year I lost 50 pounds after gaining quite a bit. I'm still fat, probably want to lose another 50. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going to have loose skin and be ugly anyway.
Sometimes I just wake up and I'm exhausted all day for the the rest of the day. Some days I have to fight the urge to drive my car off the bridge. Some days are better than others.
Honestly, I want to just throw myself into the kawaii/weeb thing. It's always been a passion of mine, and cute stuff is about the only thing that makes me happy on those really bad days when nothing else will. I'd probably be a lolcow. Part of me doesn't want to care. I just want to be happy and succeed and do the things that make me happy. I'd have to lose this weight first before I started to pursue that though. Oh well.

well, one day we will all get ugly. you might as well just accept it now and move on with life.

or commit suicide. no one really cares tbh

I have started gaining weight. I hardly eat too. I thought it was my thyroid medication needing adjustment. But the doctor said my levels were fine.

No doctor I've been to will help me or acknowledge that my weight gain is an issue. I've gained 30 lbs since around March. And I am desperately trying to lose it. It seems that doctors will not tell you you are fat unless you are really tipping the scales and it is affecting your health. I now weight close to 160. I believe I was 158 last time I was weighed. although I might be a few pounds less. I can't remember the exact number at the doctor. I was too upset. They just said it looked like my weight had improved.

But my pants don't fit. And I don't want to buy bigger ones because I can't really afford much right now and I was really anticipating weightloss. Just last fall all my clothes were too loose and I was going to have to size down. Now I will have to size up.

I feel gross and ashamed that I am not thin. I feel like I'm not thin or pretty enough for men to like me and that everyone stares at me because I am a hamplanet. I know I'm not really that big. But in my mind that's what I'm seeing because I hate myself so much.

I want this weight gone. But I can't get rid of it. I thought about telling the next doctor I see that if they won't help me I will stop eating. but I'm afraid that I'm already headed towards an eating disorder. I've barely eaten in days and my stomach feels weird all the time.

I just wish I felt like I was a normal person. But I don't. I just hate me so much.

I just want to give all of you ladies a long and warming group hug.
;_;
>TFW no lolcow meet-ups where we can all be friends and improve altogether or a special lolcow rehab and be with qt mentally unstable girls just like you

My feeling all of the time is of that sim that you neglect until misery but then attempt to make perform an action

I have bad body image issues. For a long time I thought about how I could get enough money to go to korea and get plastic surgery. I dreamed about getting my nose done, my jaw, lips, neckline, EVERYTHING. I feel so ugly and unlovable even though objectively speaking I'm probably just average. But that's not good enough because I want to be pretty. I want to be gorgeous and cute and admired. Until I reach that point I feel like there's no purpose in living. Wouldn't it have been great and convenient to simply be born beautiful? I'd be suffering so much less.

>>18764
>Until I reach that point I feel like there's no purpose in living.

I feel pathetic admitting this, but I feel the same way. Not only that line, but your entire post. I didn't really care how I looked until I turned 16 or so. I see something wrong with my entire body. I used to be a big girl, so I'm left with a lot of loose skin on my arms, my nose is big, I've got PT jaw, I have an under-bite, one of my eyes are droopy and very noticeably lower than the other eye, my face is so asymmetrical, my forehead is wrinkly, I have a nasolabial fold on my droopy side, etc etc. There's something wrong with every part of my body. I wish I was born pretty. I feel so ugly and that nobody wants me. I feel like I don't have much of a purpose because I'm ugly. I know exactly how you feel, anon. The older I get, the worse I feel.

>>18764
i'm pretty broke and im getting my nose done next year. I know its expensive but the fact is i rather be no miserable as soon as possible. im young, i want to live a happy life asap not waste my youth hating how gross and ugly i am

I know how you feel OP, I've been over weight/ depressed since Jr High (14 or so) I think I have a cute face but I've always been unhappy with my body. I'll be honest coming here and PULL has done wonders for my self esteem. Not because I come here to troll ( glass houses and all that) but it helps me realize that I will NEVER meet the ideal of what is attractive. Some of the girls on here are honestly cute and slim (minus the PS) and still get torn to shreds. The moment you realize that you will never be attractive to everyone and should just focus on pleasing yourself is very liberating.

>>18764
I know exactly how you feel. I have tried suicide before because I feel ugly.

I weigh 100 pounds and I want liposuction, because I'm still plagued with fatgut even though I stick to a healthy diet and active lifestyle. Like, I get that this is just how women in my family are built, but it makes me feel fat even if the rest of me isn't.

same here..
every day i hope i get cancer and die so i don't have kill mysef bc i know my parents would blame themselves
there's nothing particulary wrong with my life but i just hate myself so much..i've always been this way

So is the majority of lolcow fat uggo weebs?

I'm trying to lose weight but lately it has been staying the same. I feel like a horrible fatass and that I should just give up, get even fatter and stay disgusting forever.

>>18805
duh.

I wish I had a different life. I'm tired of people telling me to "create the life you want!" or whatever. I've been trying so hard for so long, I just feel like giving up. I've started to lose sight of what it is I even want. Some people just don't get what they want….but I always thought maybe I could be an exception to the rule if I tried hard enough.

>>18822
This is how you keep thinking so of course its always gonna be the same shit

>>18496
yup, this. i know that anon was trying to be helpful but fuck, depression takes every last bit out of you. you can't even make friends or surround yourself with people that might try to give you positive reinforcement (not that it would work for me personally) because you lose all interest in EVERYTHING. like literally everything. you lose all will to function. i've gone literally a month without showering. that's how bad it is. i realize how disgusting it is to not shower, but you don't care, so, trying to work on hobbies absolutely does not work. you just get nothing out of it. anything you once enjoyed, becomes about about as fulfilling as filling in spreadsheets. all 'fun' activities just feel like chores you have no interest in taking part in.

it's really strange to see how many people care so deeply about crazy stupid bullshit like lolita or cosplay or whatever on here. i really envy you guys on here that can delve deeply into this kind of thing and appreciate frilly dresses or whatever, because i can't imagine having the energy to care about any of this.

and idk about you guys but i feel so derealized all the fucking time. like, i just can't get past how surreal everything is. i just can't grasp that this is reality and function within it properly. it makes me fuck up jobs or relationships, family relationships, etc.

psychologists are corn filled shit nuggets, too. 60 bucks per session to tell me what i tell myself, anyways, and blame a physiological problem on my "way of thinking"?


that's the main problem with the therapeutic community. the self blame and obsession with POSITIVE THINKING. not that i'm particularly negative, but depression is not a strictly psychological issue. it's a physiological issue, and telling people they can stave it off by telling themselves they're beautiful flowers capable of success is such a crock of shit. who is this shit even working for? it's all a joke. CBT is a massive failure that only works as good as placebo iirc anyways, and meds only work about like, 5% better, iirc, anyways. there's basically nothing you can do. i'm thinking of trying shit for "treatment resistant depression", or all of that magnetic bullshit where they stimulate your brain with the magnets. idk, i'm really desperate here. has anyone here been on any decent meds? i've been on a laundry list of SNRIs, benzos and SSRIs , it's all useless. it's probably just ground up sheep placenta or some shit.

and idk, without being a feminist shill, i'm really upset with just being a woman/girl in general. it feels like shit. i feel totally suffocated by hypersexualized stuff, and i already feel so overloaded with the stress of just living, and trying to function, i can't cope with the fact that sexuality is like, a thing, at all. i know guys have their issues too, but girls are made so expendable by most men and the way they think of women. like there's no point in speaking to men at all. idk. it's just sad.

>>18790
just saying, you can get good deals on lipo on groupon. maybe you can try laser lipo or coolsculpt. they suck it out with a needle and shit, but at least w the laser lipo (idk about coolsculpt), they dont need to put you under.

>>19032
I'm the anon you replied to and yeah, we are on similar levels of depression. I'm desperate too, but hopeless. I eventually realized this is just how my brain works. I can't be fucked to care about a relationship. I can barely be fucked to do basic everyday shit. I work because I need to support myself but I go home and I do nothing. I spend my money on stupid shit because it makes me happy even for a moment.

I would say again it's getting hard not to kill myself but truly I can't even be fucked to do that. Too dramatic, too messy, too much planning. But I'm not sure what I'm holding out for.

>>19010
OMG A BOY?!? Well aren't you a special snowflake

>>19034
hey, calm down.
i was asking because-
>>18564
specified girls.

>>19036
How did you read that as uncalm? I'm just fine, thanks. Of course it specified girls. Majority of the community on this site are girls so it's just a general assumption. You don't need to point out the fact that you're a guy. You'd obviously be welcomed. Get over yourself.

>>18564
are you a guy if so pls go back to /cow/

you realize the majority of the women posting in this thread probably dont have the energy to be qts and are just trying to be straight up human w/o blowing their brains out, right?

>>19034
>>19037
Honestly this shit is more annoying than saying you're a guy.

>>19038
I'd say that's probably true, but idk. Some people preoccupy themselves with their appearance/ed/material objects ie clothes to take their minds off how bleak everything is. For me, at home I'm disgusting, but I clean up nice. People don't really know I'm constantly in mental pain until they get to know me.

>>19040
Yeah pointing out facts is really annoying. I can't believe someone would do this.

>>19043
i didnt reply to you if youre the boy w anorexia. i asked the guy asking for qts if he was a guy

>>19037

this all the way

>>19040

nah. it was obvious the anon was referring to lolcow is a whole or people in the thread and he knows it too. no ones dumb enough to not see that. he did not need to say he was a boy at all and was just being anal af for no reason

>>19040
>>19043
Sorry I ruined your speshul status. :^)

>>19048
Bet.

>>19048
dude no one cares. stop derailing

Why all the deleted posts? Why do I miss all the good drama? Life is so unfair.

>>19079
it was nothing exciting. all he did was spout a shitty tumblr meme. it said "literally sobbing". that's it.

>>19032
Does laser lipo actually work cuz I found a gnarly deal on groupon for 5 sessions and my arms are disporportionately fat after losing 50lbs.

>>18805
I'm not fat. In fact,I have a perfect body and not such a bad face..
I have a job which I LOVE
And yet I feel fucking empty inside and have only 1 close friend. My social life is shit

>>19122
i got laser lipo on my arms and ive seen what i believe to be a 35% difference so far. i didnt get type where they use the needle, it's just where your body expels the liquid fat naturally. i thought itd be a scam but its worked so far. i have 5 more groupon sessions to go, so i'll come back to this thread and update when i'm positive it isn't placebo

>>19141
How far apart are the sessions?

>>19181
can be whenever, but they recommended 1-2 wks. they say you don't see full results until 2 wks. i haven't done the same body part twice. i think the one where they suck out the fat is more efficacious, but i'm pretty pleased with this so far, i think, given that's it's totally noninvasive.

>>19183
oh and i was told you can't do two body parts on the same day. need to be spaced apart.

I feel like I can relate to a lot of the people who posted in this thread and it's nice, in a way.

A lot of people claim to have depression or whatever and yet they turn around and say they "beat it" or they're "getting better." I don't really see that many people who know what I mean when I say it's not something that can be fixed and it's not as simple as just getting your mind on something else.