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This isn't cc nonnie
better luck there
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I've been obsessed with everyone who attended this party I got raped at a while ago. I think it's cause I couldn't remember how I got raped (other people told me) and everything that followed was so traumatic it fucked up brain.
First I started googling my rapist because he genuinely scared me (i thought he was gonna find me and kill if he learned i reported him). I found his insta, his linkedin, his facebook, his relatives etc. most of it was just me trying to find a crim record. it's fucked up but what made me so angry was that he was actually a good college student and i almost felt bad about reporting him. then i started stalking everyone else from that party after i found out they slutshamed me and avoided me after everything that happened. and that sent me spiralling because it felt like there was this super traumatic life changing event and i wasn't even given the right to know every detail. the cherry on top was when the rapist got away with it. so I told everyone what they did to me and it genuinely made me so happy watching them lose friends because of that. it made me even happier when they "apologized" it was a shitty defensive apology and half of them STILL won't directly apologize + deny slutshaming me. It's crazy how it hurt me, I go back and read texts analyzing what they say to me. It hits me harder everytime i realize they really despised me.i think it genuinely altered my brain chemistry because i still have dreams about them apologizing to me. i thought they were nice people but they let that man rape me and get away with it. it's crazy but them cutting me off hurt just as much as getting raped that much. it made me feel like i was a kid getting bullied all over again. I was excited to go that party because they seemed so cool and they were the ones who were reaching out to me. I thought they were a good friend, but i was wrong. so now i'm less enthuasiatic about making new friends. everytime i meet someone i check their profile to see if they know anyone from that party because that is a massive red flag to me.
I forgot to add that before i exposed them they were assholes to me, but after i did that they started acting all fake nice and apologetic. it's crazy cause once i exposed other people said they were looking for a reason to cut them off. but yeah i keep tabs on them because they hurt and scare me, i don't ever want to bump into them again.
Thank you nonnie
, tbh it is something that is hard for me to do. Because those messages give me little pieces of how I got raped and what happened that night even though I still can't remember them. I tried a lot of things to trigger
a memory, e.g. getting super drunk or hooking up with a guy the same way they said i got raped. But none of it worked. It still makes me angry that they didn't even give me the full details at first because they secretly hated me. So now I just keep screenshots of the messages they sent me and try to piece together what happened + reassure myself that it was infact rape. Every message where they talk about me but to other people is just full of contempt and disgust. They literally told my friend that I was getting cut off because I made other people uncomfortable because they had to clean up the mess i made. In another one of them basically calls me ungrateful for accusing them of bullying me when they cleaned up for me. They didn't even tell me I messed up their place and I didn't remember it but something so small and stupid was all it took for me to get cut off. Even if it was on the same night I literally got raped. It's funny cause that piece of information could helped me cope, like "oh I guess I was drugged" or "I was so scared of this guy I literally shat my pants" but no they didn't think I deserved to know the truth. They threw another party the next weekend after I got raped and they made it clear I was not invited. It made me feel like they were mad at me for getting drunk, getting raped and ruining their fun.
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I've recenty started a master's degree and I've been having multiple teachers that I see maybe once in a week or that I'll only see two or three times during the whole semester. So last week I had an intensive class with a teacher who must be a millenial. Let me describe him: My first impression of him was very poor, he was supposed to open the class but he didn't bring the proper key so we lost about 10 minutes waiting for him to go downstairs a couple of times before he managed to find the right one. He was cursing all the time, even inside the classroom. In terms of appearance he could be best described as a hairy manlet with a barrell torso and a beer gut. And let me clarify something about his hair: he had a bushy black beard and a lot of hair on the frontside of his head, but he was indeniably balding around the crown. Yikes. His skin was pale, his eyes were small and icy blue and his snub nose, stuck between his hairy brow and his dense Keemstar beard, was ridiculously small,. He was wearing skinny jeans (his legs were two little sticks) and a graphic Star Wars t-shirt that smelled of sweat noticeably. Not only he was messy during his presentation but he talked so damn loudly it was almost unbearable. He wasn't using an appropiate level of formality and he would talk about his private life constantly (WHO CARES). And on top of that, he didn't want us to have the material he was projecting on the screen or any material at all, so we had to copy stuff that coul've been easily given out in a paper, and that was simply a long list of things and geographical situations. The other day he used the phrase ''prostitutes to calm the soldiers'', fucking disgusting and irrelevant in the context of what we were talking about. So going back to that day last week, after we had enough dose of the sweaty manlet, another teacher came to the classroom. He was visibly older, in his middle or late fifties. Forgive me for being a smell autist but after smelling the manlet and my fellow male classmates (who didn't smell or look any better than him) I was surprised to encounter a man who smelled of fresh clean clothes. He entered the class and quickly opened on the computer several pages and documents that he proceeded to point out where in the online campus they were to be found. He spoke in a soft and calm tone of voice, which sounded very energetic and clear despite his age, and as soon as he started introducing the subject anyone could tell he was passionate about what he was talking about, his speech was well articulated and he didn't spoke about his personal life at all. He was very aseptic in that sense without being cold. Physically he was taller, much leaner and well-dressed than the previous teacher. He was wearing a slightly tight black t-shirt, a pair of perfectly ironed regular cut tousers from some sort of organic material, and a pair of dark glasses that framed his face and his brown eyes very nicely. He had all his hair, silver, and was flawlessly shaved. His complexion was slightly tanned and he looked like he worked out from time to time because he had nice sculpted arms and defined pecs. Even his body language was more friendly and appropriate than the manlet's, who insisted too much on making silly jokes. The older teacher was way more pleasant by being polite or simply smiling slightly after explaining the situation behind a text. I don't want to go into much detail about what my master is bout but let's just say that each of the subjects those teachers are responsible of fit somehow with their personality, I don't know how to phrase it. And being the older teacher's subject much closely related to my degree than any other class in the whole curriculum… I don't know, it just warms my heart. At some point during that class last week everyone was too tired or simply not interested so he would make quite a lot of eye contact with me. Even during our pause he walked past me while I was eating a sandwich and he said Enjoy, to what I replied a very shy Thank you. We were supposed to have him again this Friday (and I was expecting to begin my weekend so fucking happy because of this) but it turns out he changed hours and we had him yesterday, which was quite a pleasant surprise. I could answer right one question and, again, I enjoyed all the eye contact I had with him. When he called the roll(?) he pronounced my name correctly, something almost no one ever does. I do not want to be that obviously infatuated, but I can't hide my worshipness. Still, I'll try to be as calm and normal as I can. He's just too old for me, over 30 years. I'd lie if I'd say I haven't spend the last week daydreaming about him, something which fills me with huge remorse because I find most agegaps disgusting and this one is simply unforgivable. I have even started reading a book because he spoke so fondly about it (and I also thought he would talk about it more on the following classes but he didn't kek). Anyway, I am happy that this is purely onesided. I'd completly change my opinion of him if he though of his students as anything other than just that.
>TLDR: anon has an ugly manlet smelly millenial teacher followed by an older scrote with basic hygiene, glasses and hot voice so she falls in love with him
I won't see him until next Monday, that makes me sad. I really don't feel like cyberstalking him at all. It's just so pointless to have a crush like this. He's probably married to a super smart woman with an incredible career. >>1739595
There's a huge amount of weeb male millenials in my country and they are frankly the worst. A bunch of cringe fatties with beards and the worst cases of porn addiction and consumerism I've ever seen. Some of them are getting married and having children now and they name them after GoT characters and dumb shit like that. On the other hand, my millenial female teacher is amazing and speaks very straightforward.>>1739762
KEK, we wish we were gen X
I can kind of relate to this. I constantly have nightmares about my rapist and think of him often without wanting to and I'm really embarrassed about it because I feel creepy and don't know why my brain does this to me but reading your post makes me think it must be some sort of trauma response. I also daydream about what it would be like if he felt remorse and apologized. Since I can't forget about him and he's fucked me up so badly, I've forced contact with him to make him look at my face through selfies and make him remember me too. Not the healthiest but that's what I did>>1739448
Yeah right anon, millennials' entire mentality was defined by one Disney a lot of us were too young to have experienced when it was released kek.
Apart from that, yes, Disney's are generally downright terrible and Aladdin can be read as a prime example of problematic
entitled scrote thinks he can "have" the princess because she's nothing more than an object/reward in the end.
Nta, I didn't know Aladdin had such a scrotey message because I'm not a Disney fan (I hate everything about the films with rare exceptions). Yes I watched it a few times but that's a long time ago>>1741097
Do you have bpd anon?
It is, but like >>1740406
mentioned a lot of scrotes just take the message that benefits them rather than seeing a story with it's characters and messages as a whole.
From what I've seen of what Disney makes nowadays, it seems very family focused and therapy-friendly, but as a kid I could at least enjoy fun and cooky villains, sassy princesses and now and then a decent prince in the mix rather than having the villain be my family's generational trauma, kek.
you do know you're probably fangirl number 10 right, nonnie
? internet attention rots moids' heads
thank you nonny
, don't be ashamed about what your mind does as long you don't hurt anyone. it's just trauma responses that are completely normal once you start talking to other survivors. i recognize my fixation is unhealthy but i can also tell it's in trauma response to the fact I was endangered and mutliple people are responsible for that.
I didn't know it was a trauma response so I'm sort of glad I found your post. It's such a heavy topic and feels shameful for me to talk about or like no one takes us victims
seriously. Honestly, I googled "thinking about rapist all the time" and nothing came up even on reddit where people usually blogpost. I felt weird about how I think of him all the time and replaying the events over and over in my head. I even feel his body on me sometimes and what he did to me like a phantom him is there.
What those people did to you was shitty and I bet it feels like betrayal. That's how I feel about my situation….that he betrayed me. I also struggle with being bullied as a kid like you. It's like layers of trauma and being humiliated all over again. Definitely intrusive thoughts now that you say it. I hope with time maybe we can forget about what happened to us and heal, but for now it does feel obsessive with how often the intrusive thoughts appear. It feels pathetic just thinking about him so much because I can't brush off what happened. Like…you know these people don't ever think about what they did to us and just go on with their lives. Meanwhile we are stuck reliving the memories. They would probably laugh at how we think of them so much. I hate it. I don't have support to talk about my situation with anyone so sorry for rambling. It was never your fault nona.
it's ok to ramble, everytime you ramble you process it more. honestly when it first happened it was so confusing/overwhelming, I would obsess over him the way I used to do with people I had crushes on. I googled "i'm obsessed with my rapist/i have a crush" and some things did come up especially on quora. for me it was a combination of hypervigilence and trauma from that being my first sexual experiance. because while i would think about him all the time i was also afraid of him finding out i reported him and trying to kill me. I can relate to everything you said here:>I didn't know it was a trauma response so I'm sort of glad I found your post. It's such a heavy topic and feels shameful for me to talk about or like no one takes us victims seriously. Honestly, I googled "thinking about rapist all the time" and nothing came up even on reddit where people usually blogpost. I felt weird about how I think of him all the time and replaying the events over and over in my head. I even feel his body on me sometimes and what he did to me like a phantom him is there.
when i called the hotlines just to vent even though it was only for a couple of minutes it helped because someone was listening and validating me.
I still look through texts, and pictures I can find from the night to replay the vents the best I can. In fact i took screenshots of entire message logs just to analyze what happened that night. If you need to ramble and deal with intrusive thoughts maybe call a rape hotline if there is one in your country. I did it for months after I got raped and it did help. saying all my feelings made me tired of the obsession. Yeah it does hurt how little people care about victims
, it's the most painful thing because everyone is super performative when it comes to talkign about believing victims
. but as soon as it happens in front of them, they make victims
feel like they are shameful.
I reccomend looking up info on rape trauma syndrome because you might be surprised with how much it matches your own experiance
>>1741720>I would obsess over him the way I used to do with people I had crushes on
Yes that's how I feel and it's been 2 years already. It's like I'm stuck in a time loop. 2 years thinking about someone I despise makes me feel like I'm crazy. I am also weirdly obsessed with getting revenge on him. It's oddly validating that you googled the same thing. How long have you been hyperfixating? I'm waiting for the thoughts to go away and nothing changes day by day…
>that being my first sexual experiance.
I totally understands you. He was my first for a lot of things he did to me so now when my partner kisses me in specific spots he did, all I can think of is him still. It's infuriating how much he consumes my thoughts.>everyone is super performative when it comes to talkign about believing victims. but as soon as it happens in front of them, they make victims feel like they are shameful.
People are so fake when it comes to supporting victims
especially if the victim
doesn't fit their specific idea of what a sexual assault victim
is, what happened to the victim
, or how the victim
should act. A lot of people like to virtue signal and say they stand with survivors but get really angry and talk shit when a survivor wasn't assaulted the way they stereotypically envision sexual assault (raped with excessive force in a dark alley). Because of this, I find it hard to talk to people about what happened and don't trust them. It is really sad.
Thank you for telling me about RTS. I definitely identify with the symptoms. I love you nona. We can get through this…
Oh nonnies, might as well get this out of my system. Many years ago I met a girl and we became friends. Our friendship lasted for just a few years but for some reason I became obsessed with her. I don't know why. She influenced my life and personality irreversibly. I don't even know why. She was like nobody I had met before I guess. Very cool, stylish and funny, little by little I started emulating her. Our friendship ended in her just finding new things in places I couldn't follow so I never received closure on my end, I was just repeatedly being left on read until I stopped messaging her altogether. I still follow her socials and she barely updates them, but when she does, she's still as cool as ever. I don't stalk her or google her name or anything like that but I just think about her and our past relationship a lot. I'm sure she hasn't thought of me in years and I was probably just a passing acquaintance for her so it makes me feel like a creep.
However, I just don't understand why she's still influencing me so much. I find myself constantly thinking about how she would perceive me doing something. What would she think about this? Would she think this was lame? I just don't get it. How did she get inside my head like that? What makes me obsess over her even after years of no interaction? It drives me insane, I've had many friends in my life yet nobody has left such an impression, I have never obsessed over anyone like her. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out to no avail because I want to get over her, but I don't know how because I don't understand what she did to make me still think about her. I want to be free but I don't know how. Has anyone experienced something like this?
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I would fixate on him for months but it stopped once it was clear to me that i would've never consented to him drunk or sober. but this coincided with me starting therapy. I still hyperfixate on my ex friends but it's been less after i let them finally know how much they hurt me. I think the main driver of the fixation is wanting answers and explanation for what they did to me. I do not reccomend contacting your rapist or his friends in case you ever want to file a civil lawsuit (there is no statue of limitations in some places). my ex friends despite how shitty they were did cut my rapist off so i could confront them on how they neglected me without worrying about my rapist using my words against me in the future. This was also with months of venting to friends and hotlines. Bottling up feelings definitely drives the hyperfixation because you end up directing all that anger and uncertaintity on yourself. It happened less than a year ago for me so I can't say if I'm completely done fixating. But knowing that most of my "creepy" and "shameful" reactions is just my body trying to cope with trauma helps. My therapist showed me this graph and helped me understand why I became so paranoid and obsessive.
Well I get what you're saying but I know he doesn't get much female attention because he's not very successful kek. His content is kind of nichey and the number of people in his community is very limited. Doesn't mean he wouldn't talk to other girls if he had the opportunity (he most probably would). I think I'd eventually leave if I'd see him flirt with other girls because that would make me jealous, I just enjoy the attention atm. It's just a stupid daydreaming situation where I get thrills everytime I talk to him privately. It probably has an expiration date and it is not realistic to imagine a relationship, I know that.>>1741480
That sounds more like one of those typical fuckboys. Sorry he was such an asshole and degenerate.
So after seeing the teacher I'm obsessed with last Tuesday I went home feeling like trash, I couldn't believe my own feelings. I have been slowly getting better these past couple days but, as a result of my stupid obsession, I've completely isolated myself from my peers, something I didn't want to happen. So today, in one of our various 15 min pauses I stayed in the classroom for a bit instead of going somewhere else. It was very cold inside and outside the building but everyone left class. I was sitting there, minding my own business, looking at second hand shit to buy on my phone, when I hear someone opening the door next to the classroom I'm in and how that person peeks a little bit in my classroom. I turn my head too late and only get a tiny glimpse of a man's head. Could that have been him? I really hope not. Anyway, so I keep lurking stuff on my phone when I hear my female teacher on the corridor and all of a sudden she starts chatting with someone else. It's him, it's the old teacher. He says something about looking for his bag. Both teachers come in the class. I am far from the door and they can only see my profile. I pretend I'm writing down something on my notes and then I proceed to put things inside my bag, all of this while pretending they're not there. He leaves after 1 min, at the same time my classmates start to come in. My female teacher makes a little bit of small talk with me before everyone sits down, she's very nice. I can't stop thinking what an awkward impression I must have given when he looked inside the class and saw me sitting there alone. I also feel bad because he didn't interact with me at all, although that's understandable I guess. And on top of that, I couldn't even raise my eyes and look at him. I so wanted to see him by chance again and not only I've missed the opportunity but I have given the impression of being a fucking introvert retard, which I am but I really hate how I can't hide it in controled environments like this. Just terrible.
Finally blocked them all because just seeing pictures with them makes me cry and get depressed. Especially seeing all the things they were doing when they said didn't have time to help me but were really just avoiding. I'll probably have to contact them again because I'm still trying to get a criminal case reopened or sue my rapist. It just made sad it took them less than a day to cut me out of my life. And they were going to all these social justice events and parties when they literally bullied a rape victim
just a few days earlier. It so depressing because i just want to scream to the people around them how cruel they can be, how they will abadon you when you actual need help but love to be performative and act like an activists. I'll probably delete all the message screenshots when it's clear I can't get my case reopened or file a lawsuit though.
>>1770146>because while I'm laughing at fatshat I'm also making a 23page spreadsheet on her anal gapes
taking screenshots and noting username changes is standard practice on lolcow
Why? If it’s not on people that genuinely deserve it such as pedos, animal abusers, cyberstalkers themselves, etc then what is the point? Do you have poor social skills that may be contributing to this urge? No offense, I find that most people who snoop and do this can’t connect with people normally so that’s why they do this and form obsessions.
It will come back to you one day if you’re just doing to this innocent people, as another anon said use your autism for good. The internet is crawling with people who actually deserve it.
I’m obsessed with one of my exes, probably limerent, and I’m so ashamed of it. I’m the kind of person that always gets a little too fixated on the people I date, but with her, it feels like I just can’t move on. we dated years ago and it was my longest relationship to this day. she was my first love, first everything. we’ve been friends since we were little, we’re still “friends” now but she has a bf now so she’s put some space between us. I check her and her bf’s socials all the time to see if they’re still happy together. I’m always looking for clues that they aren’t. it took me a long time to overcome my internalized homophobia, but this sets me back. I want her more than anything, and she doesn’t feel the same. it feels wrong. I broke her heart, so I understand why she doesn’t want me, and she’s moved on like a normal person. but how can I move on when we keep in touch? we have mutual friends, so going NC is not an option. I just want to feel love like a normal person, but these feelings for her are so deeply ingrained into me. I’m lucky she doesn’t hate me now, but she probably would if she knew what I’ve become
Well, mine is the most pathetic.
I used to have a crush on this guy, my classmate, ever since my first day at the University.
I was 10x worse (weird, shy and cringe) than I am nowadays, and never took a chance to talk to him.
Furthermore, I dropped out to another course/another campus. Ever since, I am obsessed with him.
I tried just once to contact him in the beginning. He rejected me and ghosted me. That was circa 2014.
I dont follow him anywhere, just check him up on the internet from time to time. He dates a woman who was our classmate for like…7 or 8 years.
They probably gonna marry once they both finish their PhDs. They seem to be a very happy, loving couple.
It hurts me everytime. I try my best to no stalk them online, and I got it most of the time, but I still check them sometimes.
I am not sad because they are together…I am not even sure why do I get so sad about. Its almost like I am cursed.
When I don't even remember him anymore, he shows up in my dreams and I come back to this obsessive feelings. It's insane.
I feel very guilty for stalking him, specially when I dream of him, I feel this need to check him up.
It's the same: I forget about him/ I randomly dream of him / All my feelings comes back and feel this urge to see him, even if just a photo, and knowing he's doing well. I get extremely sad for weeks, because I feel like I am in love with him (I know this is not love nor infatuation). My feelings end up setting, I get busy… and then… I dream of him randomly again.
Been circle-jerking this shit for almost 10 years.
Just to be clear: when he rejected me in the beginning, I never bothered him again. He probably doesn't even remember I exist. I never did anything bad to him… I mean, stalking his profile is bad but I never bothered him.
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I joined a sports team after I moved to a new city 2 and a half years ago. Everybody was nice. I remember getting introduced to one of them and thought "wow, you're really beautiful." There was a team photo the next week and she stood next to me with her arm around me. She would always stand next to me. She would hug me so tight in celebrations but never anyone else. Every game there was a team photo and she stood next to me with her arm around me.
I felt special to someone. It almost wasn't romantic, just a feeling of a kindred spirit in a new place. She was also a few years younger than me and I had internalized the zoomer irrational fear of being over the hill turning 25 etc, so I felt cool and wanted still. Anywho I've always kept a diary. My partner found it and freaked because I mentioned this girl in it. I had to quit the team to keep my relationship. I was also the captain by this stage. I dipped out on the team overnight by faking an injury. Felt bad about it, didn't see anyone for a year+ and parried any requests to come back (partner controlling- whole other blogpost). Anyway got a text last week asking if I could please fill in because they were really short. Decided fuck it yes I will even if there's hell to pay at home.
Went along and everyone was really nice, except that one girl I loved. She totally blanked me. Walked away from me. Wouldn't say anything to me. Nothing. I played a terrible game, fell on my ass, got hit by the ball, was hungover as fuck. It was humiliating and a disaster. I left as soon as the game was over.
All my happy memories feel tainted and shat on. I feel sick and I haven't eaten. I can't cry because my partner is always around and definitely would not understand. I want to drive off somewhere, fly away, let out a primal scream in the woods and never be seen again.
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Me or the situation lol
Honestly I know it’s both and I’m a bpdchan who probably should’ve tried more to not be like this but what can you do
Imagine how mad lolcow users are gonna be at you for recording masturbation vids for a disgusting loser moid blackmailing
you. He's not worth it. Find a husbando to obsess over, he'll never hurt you and you'll be much happier.
This is not hyperfixation this is a trauma bond, he'll probably use that video to coerce you more or leak it. You need to go full cold turkey on him cause in a couple of months you will look back and be so angry at him. He is being emotionally abusive
to you and doing coercive control.
thank you for responding nonas>>1777742>>1777736
i’ve never heard of trauma bond before… now that i think about it he’s kind of similar to the man who raped me months ago, could that have something to do with it? god i’m so fucked in the head
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i have romantic and wanting to wear their skin obsession with this guy i used to date. i hate that he is handsome, rich and has studied everything i wanted to study, and has lived in places i wanted to live. it feels like a slap in the face that he exists and doesn't want me, not just the rejection but an almost otherwordly humiliation of his life compared to mine. i hate him too because he acted like paying for my food was too much, making me feel like a greedy fat bitch for agreeing to let him pay for it. he complained that it was too expensive and hinted that we should split costs from now on. he always acted hot and cold to try and manipulate me and refused to talk straight, have a normal conversation that leads to understanding. i am obsessed with him because of his narcissistic patterns. he always wanted the next thing from me, yet never asked, only manipulated, sulked, and demanded, threatening to leave if i did not give in. i was not rich enough, not high status enough, maybe not even attractive enough. i think of him almost daily since the moment i met him. it is so unfair. it's like everything i ever dreamed of he stole from me. he does not even message me anymore and yet i fantasize about getting him back in my life. if only i was this and that, i feel like if i was good enough he would not have left. i look up who he follows on social media and i search him up to see where he works. i fantasize about making mutual friends and them liking me so much that he ends up hearing about me and wanting to contact me. i imagine getting good at art so that he might notice me. i have even imagined committing a crime (for activism) and getting into the news and him noticing me. this obsession is only in my head since i would not like dating such a fussy man, but i imagined us raising children together because we have similar interests yet different personalities. i thought we would have been a good fit and i go insane not knowing who he rejected me for. he does not even want me as a friend. yet (almost) everything i wanted to be is what he has achieved. i feel like such shit in comparison. i am not mad at him rejecting me, i just feel poor, stupid, and talentless.
Do you even know that any of it was true? One of my exes passive aggressively tore me down for years, while lying about everything and future faking me. I spent years ashamed because I failed him. I couldn't stand to even type his name into Google, because I was sure he had finally finished school, changed jobs, bought that house, got a new dog, married a qualified woman, and had a dream family.
Space for lols
He didn't do any of that shit. His whole life to me was a lie. Maybe he finished college. Maybe. He lives in government subsidized housing, never married.
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i know he practices and has studied 3 big hobbies of mine, unsure about the 4th thing because it is nowhere online. social media history shows that he has been to many places, and it is believable that he lived there for many months at a time. he can just afford to take several months of vacation abroad but there was a slight lie in this, because at first he did not mention one of his jobs being online and allowing him to work remotely. he was getting angry at me hinting that if he is running out of money, he should come back home. he lied about still staying in expensive european cities, but he actually spent a longer time in the cheaper ones, while trying to get me to buy his belongings. he lies in a weird way where he would pretend to speak without voice near the end of his sentence. trying to gaslight me into thinking i am going deaf. when he returned to our city, he was trying to break up, again, not straight up, but by trying to gauge how much i would beg to let me prove my love and stay. he was feeling out a story he would later use as an excuse, about a new relationship he formed abroad. when i asked anything concrete about this relationship, he was stuttering and confused. later on i tried being friendly and messaged him. he went off on me for trying and said it's inappropriate to text when we are both in a relationship. he sounded salty about our relationship having been open, yet it was mostly his idea. he basically discarded me for not buying him expensive gifts, not constantly praising him, and daring to hook up with other people while he did as well.
here and it’s happening to me on a biological level i think about him all the time and get wet when i think of him and i have this feeling that i’m incomplete until he fucks me. i feel empty like i’m not really a whole person. and i can’t stop thinking about having his baby which is all sorts of fucked up given what he’s like, i feel like an animal in heat and it’s disgusting and makes me feel ill on top of everything else. my body has never reacted this way to another person before and it’s terrifying.
i recently had to swap to a different version of one of my meds and i’m wondering if it’s affecting my hormones somehow because this is just not normal. i know he’s a horrible person but my body just craves him, it’s disgusting, it’s like he’s a drug and i’m addicted to him
i’m genuinely thinking about killing myself because i feel so disgusting all the time, not only because of the videos he made me film for him that are out there now but also because the way my body reacts to him makes me feel disgusting and inhuman
thank you so much anon i’m crying now the fact that there is someone out there not judging me for this i can’t even put it into words
thank you for telling me i’m not broken
Jeez anon I think one of my earlier replies to you was really tone-deaf. You're not broken and I seriously hope you're okay. >>1780527
is right and I agree with her. Those videos you had to make for him are not a representation of you and your body isn't disgusting. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I hope you can come back to this thread or the vent thread or something so you have somewhere you can be honest/get support without retards like me not understanding the full gravity of your situation. Take care of yourself
thank you nona i appreciate it a lot
i can’t stop and keep begging him to respond to me because i feel like i’m going insane and he never does, the thought he might not fuck me is literally making my body tremble with fear and it’s so disgusting, i feel ill all the time
i’ve booked an appointment with my therapist for friday, hoping i can get some kind of help because i genuinely feel like i’m dying
i always have this thought in the back of my mind, is he laughing at my messages, is he jacking off to them, is he showing his friends and they all laugh together at this pathetic needy bitch who can’t stop begging for him. i wonder if he’s been spreading the videos…
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Most likely option is probably that he thought it was fun at first to toy with you but that he's slightly freaked out by having a sudden obsessed stalker trying to get to him. Hopefully you won't get so bad that you try to actually track him down since you're aware of the pain he causes you. If you're lucky he'll be so freaked out he'll stop responding completely or even block you. It won't feel good in the moment, but it's literally the best possible option for you.
I agree with >>1780527
I think you're going through some very stressful trauma causing your body to act out. For your own well-being you need to stop, which you of course already know but hearing it from more people might help solidify it for you. If you have trusted friends or family you could ask them to temporarily take your phone and laptop from you so you can't contact him (or him you), you can even lie and say you just need a social media detox really badly and don't have to tell them what's really going on.
You said he feels like a drug and you're addicted to him. So treat it that way. He is going to hurt you really badly if you continue like this, maybe even literally ruin your life. You have to actively do the work to not contact him and go clean. You can't be a heroin addict and just take a little bit of heroin - you need to quit fully and you need to do it now. No contact whatsoever. No stalking his social media. Nothing. But in the end he isn't a drug, and your body doesn't literally need him at all. Those are all false thoughts. No matter how badly you are hurting right now it won't kill you and you won't die from this. You will survive and overcome this nona, and all you'll remember him for is being a piece of shit who took advantage of you during your traumatic mental breakdown. Sending you a virtual lc hug because I'm sure this is all really hard to deal with for you.
thank you so much nona. i’m trying, i have moments of clarity but for the most part i’m just in this insane haze of needing him
we’re in touch on snapchat, i can see that he opens all my messages and looks at all my stories so i know he’s not completely ignoring me (because if he did he’d block or remove me or just not open my messages at all) and it makes my demented body wonder if he’s going to give it what it wants and it makes it so i can’t stop messaging him, because this sick part of me just hopes it means he’ll fuck me
i feel like i’m being raped all over again (it happened to me last winter, maybe it’s related to this meltdown) but it’s coming from inside my own body, like my own body is violating me and it makes me feel so sick and like some kind of monster
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My bpd self was trying to think of a way to make him block you instead of stringing you along and a brain goblin whispered to me that you should post your snap stories posing with a gun and a caption indirectly threathening him like some real yandere shit kek but that's a terrible idea and hopefully you don't actually have access to a gun. would be fucking hilarious if he actually was scared of you after what he did to you though. Perhaps in your next moment of clarity you'll be able to delete your account to protect yourself>>1780262
he was clearly a massive narc liar trying to manipulate you. i'm sure his life is a lot more shit than it looks from the outside and you're feeling bad over nothing.
your bpd brain goblin idea made me giggle nona, thank you
i haven’t deleted my account but i’ve gone over 12hrs since he opened my last message without sending him anything new, which feels like a victory even if it’s very small or even nonexistent to anyone else. though i keep an eye on my stories to see if he’s seen them. i’m obsessed with this ugly idea that he’ll get intrigued by me not bothering him anymore and reach out to me again, it’s so needy and pathetic just typing it out makes me cringe
i still feel like an animal in heat and it’s terrifying. i’ve told my mom about the situation and she doesn’t judge me i don’t think, she’s just worried. because she can tell i’m not okay and she cares. hopefully she won’t tell my siblings i don’t know if i could handle that humiliation
i feel like this man has to be the father of my baby or i will die
it has now been 22hrs since he opened my last set of messages to him and i can’t stop opening my snap stories just to check if he’s looked at my latest ones
i want to die
i’ve taken anxiety meds i hope they will kick in soon
on friday i’ll have my therapist appointment, praying i’ll be able to keep myself from messaging him again until then
i still feel like an animal in heat and i feel so empty because my body wants to be penetrated, this kind of arousal isn’t pleasurable, it’s violating, i feel like i’m being raped again but it’s coming from inside my own body this time. i want to rip my own skin off. i feel so disgusting and inhuman.(integrate)
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Omg something like this
I had a really big crush on the boy who was in an episode of paranormal witness a real haunting in Connecticut and I watched it every day when I was 9 and I fantasized about seeing him and us being together during the apocolypse