/ot/ - off-topic

>>173613
yes

i could go on about what happened but what's the point lol.

it's affected every aspect of my life though. i feel like i'm around 3 years behind my peers developmentally as a result.
24 and i've only just got my shit together after everything and gotten a degree. still live at home, don't drive, no friends, no partner, no career path to speak of. doing a masters but likely to be kicked off when the grades come back and fall back into loserdom.

how else has it affected you op?

In some ways, yeah. I can remember doing kid stuff, going on vacations, playing outside, etc. but I also remember feeling inferior to other kids because I felt I was too fat or ugly or shy. All thanks to my father who beat it into my head that if I wasn't X, Y, and Z, no one would like me or care about me. I also had to compete for his attention, which never worked, so I never felt good enough. Everything went down hill when I was 11, and I'm still stuck in this hellhole of inferiority, depression, and anxiety.

It really pisses me off that I missed out on just being an innocent kid who didn't have to worry about stupid shit like weight or looks. I feel robbed of that experience and am pissed that 15+ years later, it's still the same old shit except now it actually means something.

Childhood abuse, being depended on too young and other serious problems can 'steal' your childhood but I always meet total cows who talk about how being bullied a bit or whatever 'robbed' them of happiness forever and blame it for their shit decisions. Without making a pity Olympics here I worry that some people who feel that they missed out on a childhood are imagining that everyone else gets the western TV idealised version and putting too much importance on it when actually lots of kids go through the same.

I believe every child deserves the right to 'feel like a child' by being safe, healthy and carefree, but people that blame their entire life's fuckups on their averagely bad childhood one are a bit pathetic. Childhood isn't the only thing that makes us who we are or the only time to enjoy ourselves, a good one definitely puts you in an unfairly better stead but it can't guarantee you a dream life.

>tl;dr ignore this if you had an actual bad childhood

you sound like a really self-important asshole tbh.
A pity I can't fuse my mind with other people's to either confirm that their experiences are as hard as they make them to be or not

>>173618
As if you're the one who decides who's been struggling with something or not?

Pain's subjective, and it's not some contest anyway, go away if you want to play oppression olympics.

>>173621
fair enough

>>173616
Plus there are so many people who had genuinely shit childhoods but used that as motivation to escape and build a better life for themselves.

I was depressed from a young age, ED, bullied etc and that set me back for several years. Now that I'm older, I've learned to appreciate the different view on life that that gave me.

No, I didn't get to have a 'happy normal' childhood, but now I'm an adult and can actually work to make my dreams come true.

Mine ended age 5, Parents are narcs and my extremely disabled brother was born at that time. They pulled me out of school at 14 to take care of him, I was fucked up for a very long time and did some very fucked up shit in the process for attention and sympathy.
(Would even say I became a lolcow in some aspect)
Thankfully I got my shit together and got help, I ain't gonna lie I was very fucked up from the whole ordeal and being the scapegoat in the family, Its hard not to have resentment but I'd rather not be a bitter cunt about it and would rather let it better me as a person than just victimize myself.

When you let that bad shit make you a constant victim, Shit goes to hell in a hand basket.

>>173616
This, Pretty much you can't let it run your life because that shit will affect you and make you completely insufferable around your average joe, Its good motivation to make sure things improve for yourself rather than dwelling in the past.

>>173618
op:
>my father beat me because i exhibited signs of childhood mental illness
you:
>stop being a drama queen
ok anon

I grew up in a religious cult so my childhood and teenage years were pretty much stolen from me even though my brainwashed mom thinks my childhood was perfect. I was thinking about it this morning btw, interesting how the timing worked.
I don't feel like i can ever live a normal life. I'm severely depressed. I've tried meds, therapy… But honestly I just pretend to be OK, it's a facade. I never learned to be independent and trust myself, or be truly social with people. To the most part I am still afraid of sex and my sexuality makes me feel guilty, especially for not being fully straight. My stepfather abused me mentally, emotionally and physically and my mom destroyed my relationship with my dad when I was a kid because she took me away so he wouldn't be able to ever see me again. Same with most of our relatives, like my grandparents and older sibling who weren't part of the cult.

I remember being 11 or 12 and wearing my then stepdad say we wouldn't be seeing my grandparents anymore. Then he spent the next years mocking my Nan for showing the first signs of Alzheimer's.
Tbh I think he's the biggest reason why I'm like this because my mom wasn't that shitty unless she was influenced by him, even though she was overprotective.

I'm fucked up and that makes me feel sad because I know I'd be a happy, normal person if the first years of my life hadn't been so filled with traumatic experiences because I know I have some really special personality traits, but unfortunately they're all buried under the pain. I've tried to be normal for years..Now I'm just waiting to eventually give up again and commit a successful suicide tbh.

>>173613
Dad died when I was 6. Started when I was 4. I know I went through bad shit because I can't remember a lot of the little things that happened and so I know I blocked it out because I can remember A LOT from when I was like 3. I'd do this thing when whenever he got bad again, I'd pack my own backpack, pack my brother's backpack, and then we would sit outside my parents' bedroom door until my mom was ready to get him to the hospital again. I know this only because she told me.

After that just a lot of abuse. My mom is hispanic but was extremely abused and treated horribly as a kid, so she passed that on to me. The physical abuse wasn't as bad but the emotional stuff was. Around a very unhealthy relationship as well. A married man who seemed to have the perfect life with two of his own kids my mom would constantly equate us to, a wife, everything cheated on his family with my mom for years. During that time, when my mom realized it was dwindling, she got with a doctor. And then after the married man left to Hawaii, my mom got with an oral surgeon. And during that time, my mom continued to let the doctor live at our house (long story) but still see the oral surgeon. And it was bad.

I've been to a mental institution, I've self harmed. Nothing major. But a lot was taken away from me. I was exposed to shit like gold diggers, cheated, physical and emotional abuse, shit like that. And I always got the brunt of it. I'd protect my brother and kick down doors if I heard her wailing on him. I'd later realize that what my mom had done with the married man was extremely wrong, even though I sympathized with her, after years of believing that was normal (I think I was 14 when it dawned on me).

I didn't realize my childhood had really been taken away until I had almost turned 18. I realized that I was nothing I wanted to be. I used to think about growing up to be someone the Little Me could look up to but I was really broken. And then when I finally got into a relationship with this guy I've been absolutely in love with for the past three years, more stuff came to light. Extreme trust issues. Horrible insecurity issues. It's long distance so sometimes I edit my pictures. I only skype when the light is flattering. I got a job just to raise money for a nose job and labiaplasty lmao. I mean I still look like me in those pictures but a more "refined/better" version. It makes me physically sick imaging him being disgusted by me and thinking about other girls. I'm only just now realizing some of the warning signs in the very beginning of the relationship he presented, things that now worry me greatly even though he's over it. But it makes me regress back into not trusting, thinking I'll never be good enough. He has no idea what those things did to me but one day I'll explain.

I think about my dad all the time. People don't get it. He was borderline perfect. An engineer but seriously handsome af (not to be weird, it's just the truth) and had a really great body (think meaty muscular but no gut, just huge arms). So freakin' smart, like all these dictionaries in different languages because he traveled all over the world, different books about animals, plants, etc. Just to know shit yknow? Because he was just intelligent. He knew like everything. And he was kind and funny in that teasing/sarcastic way and he never rubbed it in your face how smart he was. Now that I'm older, I think about how much I want to be like him. I wish I could be quiet but always have something interesting to say like him. I wish I could hear his stories, learn everything about him.

I'm 18 now and I feel like I really, really lost out. Everything that happened when I was a kid prevented my from having a childhood and now that I'm older, I constantly think about if my dad had been around, I would've turned out much better. I probably wouldn't be with the same guy, though, so I guess it was a blessing in disguise…idk. I know this is long but there's a lot that's been on my mind. I know other people have had it harder ofc.

>>173649
There are some resources out there for survivors of cults
I've also seen a lot of ex-christian and ex-muslim resources (not sure of the religion of your cult but those are the world's two most popular religions)
I hope you can find peace with yourself anon, despite the guilt a religious upbringing caused
My parents were Catholic and our pastor was extremely homophobic and I lived with guilt about my lesbianism for a very long time. I still feel some guilt about it
It's hard to get rid of the stuff you've been brainwashed to believe

I agree with the sentiments in this thread about getting motivated for a better life, but I also wanted to point out that some kids go through really bad shit but still have some outlet (like a dependable adult who can make them realize what they're going through is wrong, hobbies or interests that they could throw themselves into undisturbed, or even just good friends) that help them develop healthily in some aspects. Some other kids are more or less kept in a figurative cave of that is completely controlled by their parents and have no outlets and develop in demented ways as a result.

So some kids come out with baggage but are close enough to normal that they can go straight into building their better life for themselves from the ground up, but some kids aren't starting from the same place, they can't build from the ground up because they're 40/80/1,000ft under and need to dig themselves out first but they might not even be aware of it.

>>173710
It was a Christian cult. Thank you for your words and suggestion, anon. I'll look into it.

>>173613
I've had my childhood stolen by depression and abuse with the person who is supposed to take care of me, i want to age regress but i dont know how to feel about it

Mine ended at age 10. Military life made it impossible to develop normal relationships with people my age because we were constantly moving. At 10 we moved to Europe again, my mother lost her job, and my brother had to live alone on a different continent. The stress was affecting all of us and my dad started drinking. With the one pay check we all had to live on, a good portion of it was spent on alcohol. He had pre existing anger issues but alcoholism and stress made them a lot worse and I was just fearing that every time I opened my mouth he would scream at me. It took a year for my mom to get a job back where my brother was and then there was that move too. i had to move back with him a couple years late but just his entire existence in my life made it difficult for me to get close to anyone. Even now, years later, I can still hear some things he had said to me and it still hurts. And because of things he said and did to me, it's really difficult to open up to those trying to help me (ie therapists). I'm scared that I'll be like this for the rest of my life, I'm such a mess and I've pushed everyone away because of a few years that I was abused by him.

>no ddlg discussion. we already have a kink thread somewhere

Wtf does this have to do with the topic of the thread?

>>173796
not op but sometimes people who had tough childhoods or were abused when kids do age regression and many get involved in DDLG, so I1m pretty confident op just wanted to make sure no one would bring that up

>>173613
Damn, I really feel for you. I had something similar happen in my life, I wont get into the details but I'll give you the abridged version.. I was a childhood schizophrenic. I was diagnosed officially when I was 9 I think. For those who don't know, childhood schizophrenia is very rare. Typically schizophrenia develops during the early 20's. It was pretty hard growing up, I had hallucinations all the time and would constantly get put into mental health hospitals for weeks at a time. I had some anger problems and didn't make friends, my only friend was my mother and some imaginary friends, some whom talked with me. My father hated me, he saw me as some kind of demon child and wanted nothing to do with me. My mother died when I was almost 11, and my father began to physically, mentally and sexually abuse me after her death. This continued until I was 15 and was placed out of my father's house after a suicide attempt. I am doing much better now days, my schizophrenic symptoms are much more mild now and I have a pretty stable life, but I can't get my childhood back. I feel sorry for you OP, our experiences were different but also seem very similar in some ways. People have described me as childish and I like childish things, I can understand wanting your childhood back. I hope you're doing well.

>>176758
Schizophrenia freaks me the fuck out. It is still a big mystery in the psych field.

I hope you're okay anon. I'm glad you have help. When I saw the video of Shelley Duvall my heart broke.

Sage for ot

>>176771
I'm better now. Growing up though sucked as I was too young to really understand everything around me. I just remember growing up being very scary and confusing. Maybe it's like that to a similar degree for everyone though. I had a lot of anger problems. I tried to fight my mother a few times as I was scared for my life. I didn't get along with other kids at the same time as when I perceived they were a threat I'd try to hurt them. One of the worst cases of this was when I was in 4th grade I tried to bludgeon another student with my chair because I thought she was trying to read my mind. I was put in special ed classes in middle school. When I was around 16 my symptoms began to milden, and began to milden even more when I was around 20. I'm semi normal now days. Overall, I made it out easy, all things considered. There's plenty of people who weren't as lucky as me and still suffer from severe delusions and hallucinations every day. My heart goes out to them.

I don't think I need to sage this post since it had to do with my childhood but I'll do so anyway just in case .

>>176840
Different anon, I'm happy to hear you're doing better.