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No. 171205
>>171204OP here. I don't know how long this is going to be. Like I said I need to let it out. It's gotten to the point where nightly I am considering mutilation, suicide, the works (I know, so emo). I met a man, a man for a long time I considered unattainable. He was everything I wanted to be. Social. Charismatic. Charming. Handsome. While on the other hand I was quite and reserved with a list of mental problems, so of course I figured he was way out of my league. I met him when I moved in with my at the time girlfriend. I never tried anything on him. But things got nasty and I left that one like a hot potato after months of being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by her.
I turned to drugs, alcohol and cutting as a way to cope with the deep emotional pain I was feeling. I was literally spiralling out of control. Then out of the blue The Guy wants to start hooking up with me. I was thinking "he'll never like me, this is as close as I'll get, why not?". This continued for several months. And then one night he was really drunk and told me he loved me (though he doesn't remember).
Time goes on. At some point in the past year we started dating. Like I said, I enjoyed it in the beginning. I enjoyed his personality…but then things started to get weird. He had known I had been sexually abused in the past-especially by men when I was homeless- and he takes it me WANTING to be raped because I had admitted I had a sort of fantasy of it because I'm a masochist who hates myself and I just in my sick head experiencing it over and over will get it out of me. He admits that the thought of raping me turns him on.
Things go on. We have arguments where he will hurt my feelings by picking on my weight (which I am very self conscious about and he knows it), how it's not my mental illness isn't what keeps me from getting a job, just laziness…and that all I have to do is just practice driving a car and will get used to it when it is a LEGIT phobia that at times I can't even be in cars!
But wait, there's more. Always more. Some of those same arguments there's the rare occasion I will stick up for myself. I try. I've heard all of the advice, I've been in an abusive relationship before, yada yada yada. Anyways, I'll point it out he's being a complete asshole and it gets turned around into him being the victim and he's oh so sad I am not the same drug fueled nympho I used to be. For gods sake I just want to lay down, watch a movie, go to the park? Instead of having to suck your dick up to 8 maybe 10 times a day with no reciprocation?
And I guess to end it all because I'm becoming anxious even typing this all out to the general public is he admitted a few days ago he had sex with my ex girlfriend a few days afer we broke up. Of course I was mad and was drunk. We got to his car and I'm screaming and crying and he…hits me. And justifies it. And in the end, the last time we talked, I said I didn't want to have sex and just relax and he pulled the whole "ok put your needs before mine, maybe we shouldn't hang out, just suck it up and let me shove my dick down your throat."
I'm tired. I don't know what to do. He says he loves me. I know I love him because I've seen the good parts of him and what he can be when he's not acting that way…but it's gotten to the point where I'm just considering fuck it and rotting with the worms. I'm so so sorry this post was so ~edgy~ but I'm scared I'm very scared and I'm worried at some point I might do something to myself that I really regret. I just want it all to end.
No. 171206
>>171205Wow, Anon, that really sucks. You haven't done anything to deserve that and I can't believe that he told you that thinking of raping you turns him on - what the fuuuck.
I really don't know what to say except go to the police and tell that him that he hit you, get a restraining order if you can. First things first, just get out of there. Can you go to your parent's house or a friend's house? You need to be away from him, most importantly and you can figure out the rest later.
No. 171207
>>171205>had been homeless>no job>can't drive>feels bad about weight>mental illness…Spoony?
Er, in any case, hoping for better luck to be thrown your way.
No. 171211
>>171207What makes you think you're better than Spoony? You have been through basically the same shit she did yet you're dissing her?
>>171209You're a felon? What did you do?
No. 171212
>>171208>please don't compare me to these lowlives eurghhhhhhhh #groan zone>btw I'm a mentally ill junkie, alcoholic, cutter with rape fantasies that knowingly sticks around with a rapist and abuser that cheated on me with my ex>sickgurlaesthetics #gingerbronsonYour problems aren't anymore special or unique than anybody else's and you've no right to sit on that high horse with the state you are in. Grow a fucking backbone already.
If a guy or a girl hits you, they most definitely don't love you regardless of all the "good times" you've had together.
No. 171213
I was sexually abused by my step-father for decades, but didn't come forward about it to anyone until my mum came over to my house late one night saying she was divorcing him.
He cheated on her with a woman, and my mum found an email he had written to this other woman explaining how he wanted to marry her and be a father for her 9 year old daughter.
Fuck, it was like a flood gate opening.
Now I'm like, "Why didn't I say anything sooner?"
It's because when you say something, or if you leave, or report it, you're accepting it as real. It's real and it happened (or is continuing to happen) and now you're a statistic. You're one of those women everyone feels bad for.
But it's not like that once you actually do it. There's a lot of pain, but going to the police was the most empowering moment of my life.
The best advice I can give is to journal everything, every memory you have (even the ones that don't seem connected) and get a good therapist who has experience treating PTSD.
If you can't afford that, a councellor at a womens center will help a lot too. You need support from someone who is removed from the situation, and frankly, someone who is only on your side.
I'm rooting for you OP. Stay tough.
No. 171214
>>171213dont root for op, she might say her problems are more severe than yours were even though she caused literally all of her problems (drugs, jail, homeless). example:
>>171208Also im deeply sorry what happened to you. ;-;
No. 171218
>>171214lol ikr, and then she has the guts to call other people lowlifes.
Hey OP, here's some advice for you, stop being a fucking spineless, soggy napkin and quit deluding yourself into believing that men that beat you can ever be in love with you, because for somebody that really, truly loved you, the mere thought of raising a hand to you would physically repulse them to their core. That's what love is, this insane, irrational, obsessive desire to protect and care for your partner.
This cuck doesn't love you and you're a fool for thinking you can change him.
No. 171219
>>171211I thought you mean the term "spoony" with girls come up with new problems every day and have every disease under the sun.
When I was homeless I had drugs on me and I was going psychotic in a Target parking lot. Shame on me.
No. 171220
>>171212I'm talking about the people who make it out to be some fun kind of game and use these things to get attention. My life has sucked, yes, and there's many things I wish I could have taken back . I'm not an alcoholic, a junkie, and only once in a blue moon do I cut. I never once thought I was unique or special. I came here to share my story and hopefully help others in similar situations.
And ok I'll admit it, I don't have much of a backbone. I know what you mean but the cycle of abuse is strong and I'm TRYING to get out of it but it's not like I can just snap my fingers and make it all go away. Sorry these things happened to me and all you can take out of it is I'm trying to be "quirky" and "unique" instead of giving helpful advice. Instead you choose to pick on me. Pull that giant stick out of your cunt why don't ya?
No. 171221
>>171213It is true, which is why many people never come forward. They live in a fantasy land and often dissociate to get away from the trauma that is actually happening to them. I'm sorry about what you're step-father did to you, being taken advantage of someone who is supposed to be seen as a father figure can seriously fuck someone up.
Thank you for the advice. For now I'll start journaling and trying to work this way out of this mess I've gotten myself into.
No. 171224
>>171218wah wah wah go cry me a fucking river. If anybody in here is the lowlife, it's you. I only meant lowlifes, as I SAID, people who use this shit for attention and for asspats their whole lives.
Wow the way you worded that totally just made me snap out of it wow I'm so free I can't believe it! Someone berating me cured all my problems! Maybe you're intentions are good in the fact that some of the things that came out of your mouth were true, calling a battered woman a 'spineless, soggy napkin' doesn't really do much to help.
Just take a look at what you're saying and have some fucking compassion. You seem like a very bitter person. Sure, some people need that 'swift boot in the ass' to get them to realize things and get going, but to truly overcome it will takes years of therapy and talking about it. The situation would be easier to leave if it wasn't literally the only person I had in my life. Trust me, I want to leave. And one day I hope I will. But don't go around mocking people who don't have the resources, courage, etc to leave.
No. 171226
>>171224
>maybe you're intentions are good in the fact that some of the things that came out of your mouth were trueIn essence they are intended to be good, but if I'm completely frank with you Anon I've never been able to comprehend having such a low opinion of myself that I'd be willing to stick around a guy that physically assaulted me on the reg.
Doesn't it make you made? Doesn't it make you seethe? I mean a guy has laid his hands on your sacred body with intent to damage it - are you not furious?
My then-boyfriend, he got drunk one and hit me for the first and last time. I didn't let him get a second strike in because I was already beating his dumb fucking head off of concrete wall behind him.
>if it wasn't literally the only person I had in my lifeIs this a dependency issue thing or what? What's wrong with being alone?
You need to ask yourself truthfully Anon, would sticking around a guy who's fucking you around like this, damaging you physically and mentally, is this really the preference to being alone? Is it really worth it?
No. 171228
>>171224Oh and in apology, I did originally think you were attacking other people in
>>171208, so I kinda flew off the handle initially. I'm sorry, and I genuinely do hope you're able to muster the strength to find a solution to your problem.
As a child my mother was in a long-term abusive relationship, and I spent the best part of my formative years watching her get knocked about and huddling under a duvet trying to block out the sound of her screams, all because she didn't want to be alone either.
Gonna tell you Anon, ultimately the only person that can help you get out of this situation is yourself.
No. 171230
>>171226Let me try to explain it like this…I grew up in a family that was very dysfunctional. We moved around a lot. I never had a chance to form bonds with people or the likes, and it in turn left me feeling empty, and like I was "defective". I have never truly felt like a person of the earth. When I finally did make friends the only reason they stuck around was because I would listen to their problems without judgement and because I had things they wanted.
It doesn't make me mad per se, it makes me…sad. Because it's all I've come to know. When it's a constant factor in your life it leads you to believe it's all you're good for and it builds up a lot of self loathing. As for furious, I do become so sometimes. But then I turn around and think "what did I do? what can I do to become a better person so this won't happen again? how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"
And good on you for sticking up for yourself. There are people in the world that split between sticking up for themselves and the ones that are stuck in ruts like mine and other anons. They all stem from different reasons as why we find it harder to leave these kinds of things. I can't really explain it.
It may be a dependancy issue because once I got with him he cut me off with all contact with my friends. I'm not super scared of being alone, but with not being able to drive and with poor social interaction skills it gets depressing to be at home all day and just be stuck with your thoughts. It's not worth it…but I swear I'm working on it.
No. 171231
>>171228Haha no, I am not one to go off attacking people like that, it's not in my nature. And I appreciate it, I really do.
And I'm sorry :/ Even if you weren't a part of the abuse yourself listening in as a child when you can't do anything yourself is…honestly just heartbreaking. I hope you've found peace int he fact it wasn't your fault you were powerless to stop what was going on.
>>171229>I just want to BELIEVEwishful thinking, anon. Of course there's nothing in my power I can do to fix anybody. Just wishful thinking.
No. 171232
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>>171230Childhood abuse girl, reporting back.
We went through a lot of similar things I think. Try to believe you're tough. If you weren't tough you would have already killed yourself. You've already gone through the hard part. You wouldn't have made this thread if you weren't looking for people to convince you.
The thing is, though, nobody can do it for you. You have to get out. You have to make a plan. What are you going to need? A source of income and a place to live. Consider moving to a new town, or even a new state. You can be who ever you want to be there. If you have nobody other than him, you don't need to stay in town. You can go to where ever the job is.
You will find a way to make it work because you are resilient. You've learned so many lessons that most women ever do in their entire lives.
And yeah, it's going to suck. It will be lonely and depressing and it will test your last nerve, but you will grow into the person you were meant to be, instead of the person you think others want you to be. That alone time, that time to grieve, is what you really need to sort your shit out. You can't do that while you're still in the situation because there is no way you can have the clarity and distance to do it.
You didn't do anything to deserve this, and that's unfair. But that's how it is. All you can do is step forward and decide you don't want to be that person any more.
Don't give him one more day.
No. 171237
>>171236I fucking knew it.
Jesus christ OP, get it together.
No. 171240
>>171237I swear I'm trying. I'm really fucking weak, I don't know what else to say. A bloo bloo pull it together, I know. I sound like a miserable fucking cunt but at this point I figure I'm worth being treated like shit. I've never known any other way and I always end up with psychopaths, probably due to the fact they can sense my insecurities and overall "weakness" and vulnerability radiating off me from ten thousand miles away. Oh well.
>>171238I know what you mean, but she has a shit personality lol