/ot/ - off-topic

I know at this point in my life the "friends with benefit" arrangement would probably suit me best but I feel the need to aim for the "boyfriend" standard because anything less would cause me to lose face if I lose my virginity in a "casual/non brag worthy/non romantic" situation. I'm an older virgin and in college; most people prefer the casual arrangement since they are in that transition stage of HS first love>casual college flings>serious marriage potential LTR.

I was casually dating this one guy and it was working up to a serious relationship with sexually exclusivity and what not but now thinking back to our conversations that was all we had- the only thing we ever talked about late at night is what we'd like to do with each other and general phone sex. When I see him I pounce him like a horny cat and gobble his cock like it was the last cock in the entire world. He was experienced and I wasn't. Yet He treated me tenderly and we were sexually compatible.

but at the end of the day, I did not care to "make it be known" that I wanted to be his girlfriend or be girlfriend material. I didn't want to meet his friends, they seemed like a bunch of stoners. Besides I have my own friends. and me and him didn't have any common interests- I just imagine us being official and situations arise where any of the following happens-
>he and his group of friends hang out and have a smoke sesh and everyone he knows is there except for me
>we'll be arguing over what type of music to play in the house (he likes soundcloud trap electronic beats idm edm whatever music) and he won't take my suggestions seriously. i won't be interested in any of his interests and he won't be mine
>he'll forever resent me for always rolling my eyes at him and never truly respecting him
Yeah I'll expect the basic sexual decency and respect such as being able to spend the night, him getting checked and using protection, cuddling, pillow talk etc but my eyes gloss over when he starts talking about how him and his friends got high or what his plans are for school. He talks about planning Valentine's Day as a special event and to me it's just another day of the year. However knowing this, I made it clear to him I wasn't going to have sex until he makes a grand gesture to me that he does think I'm "something special" even if that specialness is just something shared between us and not socially. I wanted him to romance me and seduce me and essentially give me intellectual foreplay.

I did not sleep with him. We broke up after he tried numerous "plays" from the "get the girl to sleep with you" playbook. The whole "act like you're not interested" or "dangle a relationship possibility in front of me like cheese" doesn't work on me because I feel entitled to be romanced from the "girlfriend/significant other playbook" since I'm a virgin and not the "any casual girl playbook".

It would be absolutely humiliating to me when I tell the story to my friends because immediately they would adapt the "women are always victims" mindset and victimize me because I "deserved better". I hate having people pity me and I see the way certain gal pals covertly "pity shame" girls who have sex outside their LTR ideal. Like they would "feel sorry" for girls who had sex at an early age(but really they are gossiping) or immediately jump on the "he's just using you for sex!" to a girl the morning after while she's telling us friends. I won't get the satisfaction of relaying my sexual adventures having the adage "honey he's probably using you" looming over my head. The types of girls who pull this got to lose their virginities to their first loves in High School whom they dated for 1-2 years.

I am not ashamed of my sexuality, in fact I've considering cutting these specific female friends so I don't have to deal with these imaginary constraints (and have sex the way i want)but that won't work because now I've internalized these ideals and feel entitled to them as well. What do you guys think? What would you do?