/ot/ - off-topic

Well, definitely don't do it if you don't feel ready but marriage is something that should probably be discussed with any future partner before the relationship gets too serious. You both should be on the same page for what you're expecting out of the relationship.

My circumstances are a little different since he came with three kids so I became an insta-mommy. Married life doesn't feel so different from when we were living together except I have a lot more responsibility due to the kids. When we weren't married I still had to do things for the kids but now I'm officially their stepmother so things like school events or taking them to doctor's appointments are a bit more expected. Getting married was just a way for us to show our commitment and intent to be with each other always and support each other. I've been married for a while now so the newlywed excitement has been long gone but now it's just comfortable and cozy. Like having a soft and warm blanket to wrap around you all the time.

>>166069
What's having kids like, anon?

>>166070
I think it's a little different because they're not mine. I love them and care about them but it just feels like a certain bond is missing. That being said, it can be the most rewarding and stressful thing in your life. Kids do dumb shit all the time and constantly try to test their limits, but really that's what kids do. We all went through it at one point or another. There are awesome moments that can make putting up with the bullshit worth it though. Like my stepdaughter always surprising me on Mother's Day and my birthday with breakfast in bed. Or my youngest stepson always wanting to help me out in the kitchen and even telling people that his favorite restaurant is our house because of the food I make. Seeing them change and learn as they grow up is interesting too. All in all, it is a very unique experience and nothing is quite like it. I don't have any of my own yet though. I keep wavering on whether I want them or not since I've seen the good and the bad.

>>166069
>he came with three kids so I became an insta-mommy

this is my nightmare

>>166072
Seconded.

>>166072
my nightmare is actually pregnancy. i don't like kids but i'd rather adopt

>>166068
getting married soon, it took a long time for me to get used to the idea, but now I'm sure I want to marry him

it's a big step

>>166074
this is why the west is dying

I'm married. We discussed it a lot before we actually did it. Everything is literally exactly the same, except trying to change my name is vaguely annoying. i'm pretty happy with the decision!

I can't imagine ever getting married tbh.

I mean I really don't believe that I will ever meet a guy I can tolerate being with every single day for the rest of my life.

>>166077
You could have asked your partner to change his/her name instead.

>>166079
In some areas it's hard to change your name even through marriage (e.g in Quebec it's almost impossible)

I'm married just by the gypsy law, not legally

>>166079
Yeah it was a spur of the moment d cision on my part, stupid of me. Idk if i can just not do it though cause my last name on the marriage certificate is his, idk how easy that would be to change…

For those of you engaged/married, what are your rings like? I'm considering marriage but I don't know what I would do about mine, I don't want a diamond.

>>166083
Our rings were my mom and dad's first set. They're simple but super sentimental to me, so I really love them…

>>166083
My engagement ring is a white gold band with a pearl instead of a diamond. There are small diamond on the top of the band as well. I casually mentioned not liking diamonds but loving pearls when we first started dating, and I guess he kept that mental note for a long time before he went ring shopping haha.

We aren't married yet, though. We've been engaged for three years now, living together for two. We're basically married, just not in the legal sense. We bickered quite a bit the first few months we lived together but mellowed out and finally started acting like mature adults. Now it's bliss.

>>166076
nothing wrong with adoption
tons of kids need homes and it solves my issue of wanting kids but being terrified of pregnancy. plus i believe a tiny bit in eugenics and don't want to pass my shitty genes (autism, anxiety, etc) on

>>166076
Because women in the west are wising up and realizing that pregnancy and child rearing isn't all magic and rainbows and glorious like is shoved down our throats? did you know you will bleed for three to SIX weeks after giving birth? So magical. So ethereal. Not horrible at all.

>>166085
Why are you guys waiting so long? Wouldn't it benefit you both tax wise + benefits? Just curious not trying to be a bitch.

>>166071
You two should make maybe one or two babies yourselves. You owe it to yourself

OP here. I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of commitment

>>166090

Chandler Bing… Is that you ??

>>166091
Nope, not cwc or any of his family lol. Just someone who realized that my anxiety is causing my fear of commitment and causing problems in my love life. At least I've clearly identified the problem now

>>166092
Could you BE anymore missing the joke?

I would love to get married to my boyfriend, but every time I try to discuss it with him, he tries to shun away and not respond to me about it. Every time he does it I get upset to near tears and he then goes to tell me that it's the financial aspect that he's scared of. I then tell him that you can't even plan anything or budget if you don't tell me anything about what you want.

It's almost like I don't want to believe that he's absolutely afraid of commitment because in my mind it doesn't make sense due to the fact 99% of his family above the age of 23 is either married or getting married.

I don't want to end up being just boyfriend and girlfriend for a long ass time with the risk of it not going anywhere cause I feel it's not fair to the both of us. And if I sit him down and talk to him just straight, he just shuts down hardcore.

What in the world should I do? What in the world should I look forward to?

>>166094

Straight up talk about whether or not he wants to get married ever. If yes, when does he see himself getting married? Also if yes, is it to you or a vague maybe-girl still in his head? Proceed as needed.

If no, and you do want to get married, ask yourself if you will be resentful towards him over 10 years if you did stay. If you felt 'obligated' to, but really wanted marriage, could you be legitimately happy? If you think lack-of-marriage would lead to problems between you two in the future, tell him there is a fundamental difference of goals in life, and unless you can reach an agreement, it's the end. It's not fair for him or you to put more time into a relationship that isn't going to suit either of you in a few years.

>>166076
a lot of women choose to become mothers because they think it's what they have to do. they're reluctant mothers and end up producing damaged children. i'd rather there be less mothers who are entirely enthusiastic about being mothers and parenting than having more mothers who do shitty jobs at raising their children.

>>166068
Not married, but I would like to get married one day. Sometimes I see myself ending up with a woman and sometimes I picture myself ending up with a man. I have not decided whether I want kids, so I've considered freezing my eggs. I want to focus on my career, so maybe I will decided to have children a bit later in life; freezing my eggs will hopefully allow me to keep my options open. I'm 22, so I've still got some time to think about it.

>>166068
I've been married for 3 years. Bf was from the US and we had been long distance for a couple years. We married so I could move to the US to live with him. No proposal we just discussed it. Married in courthouse no fancy clothes and cheaper rings. We had the intention of doing a "real" wedding the following year or so, but decided not to bother. I didn't change my name and we don't wear our rings except for dates or whatever. I was never crazy about the idea of getting married so I like the way it turned out for us, it's like nothing changed except we can live in the same country now.

>>166068
As a kid I never dreamed of marriage or kids. As a teenager I didn't even think about it. Everyone told me, "When you meet the right person you will".

I've been with my bf for 21 years and haven't married or had kids. We don't even live together. Feel no need to share a house because we love each other. Kids…just…nah.

I don't feel I'm "missing out" because during the time we've been together my bfs marriage went to shit, his bfs marriages went to shit, so therefore I don't see how a legal declaration of wanting to be together makes a relationship stronger.

I'm not against marriage for other people if that's what they want to do, but it's not necessary. I hate when others think it's weird that I didn't want kids or marriage and they're the only ones I have a sperg at.

Each to their own.

>>166098
bf* meaning best friend, not boyfriend.

Marriage is awful. i've been in a 6+ year relationship and just got engaged and people seriously somehow change or get crazy once you put that ring on. I have no idea… I think marriages can work, but rarely ever do.

>>166088
Oh oops I never saw this reply, anon. Not a bitchy question at all! We got engaged when we were very young (20-21) and still in school. He kept changing majors so he finally graduated. We wanted to wait until we were both out of school to get married. But you're absolutely right about the tax benefits and everything. We'll probably have a super small ceremony this year.

We're civilly unioned, it's a lot better of a deal.

>>166102
Just out of genuine curiosity/ignorance what exactly is the difference?

>>166094

He's probably afraid you'll steal his money. Not saying you will but I do have to admit, as a guy, it seems like a risky endeavour to me.

Why not just love and be with your boyfriend forever? Marriage seems like a waste of 10 grand to me.

I'm engaged, but we'll marry once we buy a house together. If you live together in my country, you'll automatically get the cons of marriage, without the pros, and well I'd like to have the pros.

>>166104
Tax benefits, foo'. Marriage comes with the implication that you'll pop out kids and the gubment rewards you for doing that by giving you a leg up on your taxes.

i've been married for almost one year.
we married after only 6 months of dating which was less than ideal circumstances but we wanted to be together and it was the only way (his visa was going to expire)
i would say nothing changed after we got married. no, we didn't get fat or start fighting about each others petty idiosyncrasies or whatever tv and movies will have you believe is the norm in marriage.

i would say we are more or less partners, equals, trying to mutually benefit each other's lives.
the only negative thing about our relationship is - to go back the original circumstances of it all - the short courting period. it sometimes leaves a lot of what-ifs in my mind but who doesnt get that sometimes? who wouldnt wonder "what if i didnt marry and what if i went off on my own adventures??" just because i think about it doesnt mean thats what i actually truly want

>>166104
>as a guy, it seems like a risky endeavour to me

You're assuming it's always the man making more money

I love my bf more than anything, and I'm sure he's the one, he wants to get at least engaged within the next few months, we've been together about a year now. He's even looked into making rings by hand with old quarters? For the silver I think, and he's already bought said quarters.
But….I've been supporting him this entire time. He had a well paying job when we got together, but it was a 'when we need you' type thing, and he has't been needed since. He worked retail and I worked with him there for a month before he quit because the establishment was sketch as hell. (tax evasion etc)
A month after he quit I suggested he start looking for another job and he got upset saying he's worked his whole life and wanted a break. I let him have a break and 8 months later still no job, but he wants to live on our own in an apartment etc where we'd be paying rent, our own bills, etc. (We currently live on my parents land in a trailer, it's not too bad) I asked how we'd afford bills, food, etc when I'm the only one with an income and got the whole "you don't believe in me, I'll have a good job when I graduate" etc speech again. He's starting college again this month, I'm paying back his loans atm, only 5 a month, but still. Whenever I talk about how we can't afford rent he blames me buying lolita dresses for my money worries. But then he asks to spend my money to buy things…
I believe he'll have a good job one day, and he's a rally kind, caring person, but it's like once I started caring for him he just lost all willpower to do anything. He called about getting his job back after I told him I was sick of being the only one with income, but he's really mad about it, said I can just work there while he goes to college. He'll only go for a couple hours each day though. My 'income' is money I saved from when I left the army, and my college savings.
Sorry for the long rant, I guess I just needed advice/to vent. What should I do?

Sometimes I think if I'd ended up dating a girl I wouldn't have half this stress.

>>166108

Well you're right there and fair enough, it's just that I do earn more than my gf so it felt natural.

I'll rephrase and say I can see how it can be risky for the one earning more, I could never see my gf ever ripping me off if divorce ever came but then again I could never see us getting divorced if we did marry so who the fuck knows what their getting themselves into.

I just prefer the idea of two people's love being an entirely private affair. Involving the law just seems so weird for some reason.

>>166109
Do you know what people do when a leech latches onto them? They tear it off and throw it away.

Srs tho you should dump this guy. Or at least make him pay for his own loans and food.

>>166109
honestly he does sound like a toxic leech. break things off with him and stop being his crutch. I'm sure that he's a big boy and can get off his ass and earn money

>>166111
>at least make him pay for his own loans and food.
This. And split all the bills. And if he can't pay the bills kick him out. I never understood why so many people do shit like this for other people and then get confused or mad when the person they are carrying through life doesn't wanna walk.

>>166109
I'll be your lolita gf, you sound so much like me, it's spooky

>>166109
You better be damned sure i'd give his ass an ultimatum. Get a fucking job within the month and help pay bills or get the fuck out. I don't understand these submissive women with leechy ass guys.

>>166115
>>166113
>>166112
>>166111

Thanks for the advice guys. I told him to get a job and he called a few places, and took some fliers from his campus for tutoring/training jobs. He works hard on his studies, so I don't get the laziness. He's started to help clean around the house more too, so that's nice. Hopefully he keeps his act together. I told him I wouldn't pay for his books so he called his mom to ask for help with them. She basically told him she wont help him pay because he has me, so I can see where he gets it from. Honestly, I think his biggest problem is that he got too comfortable with me being his caretaker.
I stay with him because he's a genuinely nice guy, he stayed with me and took care of me when I was bedridden-tier sick and that was before he know I had money. He takes the time to actually learn about things I'm interested in and watches/does things I like even if he has 0 interest. I saw how hard he worked before we moved in together, and I know he's smart and capable of doing the work if he stops being lazy.

>>166114
If I break up with him we can be lolita gfs together.