/ot/ - off-topic

nice thread, I hate that everyone thinks everything is BPD now

im avoidant and the last 6 months has been the worst so far as far as my pd goes.
This summer has been so bad. I cry scrolling instagram looking at people i know doing fun stuff all the time.
I have very few friends and the ones i can call "friends" never invite me to anything and im too scared to start any plans myself. infact they actually sometimes just dont invite me to the stuff they are doing. it hurts alot.

I wish i wasnt like this so bad. I just want to be able to enjoy my youth with friends. Not rot indoors playing video games.

Im very thankful for my boyfriend. He is the light of my life. He is my motivation to get better right now. So that i can hang out with him more and we can do fun stuff together.

I feel so hopeless nonas. That im doomed to fail due to my personality just being weak and damaged. I dont think ill ever be "healthy"

>>1652149
Anon while outside motivation may be good short-term, long-term it's bad. You shouldn't get better because of your boyfriend, you should get better because of yourself.

>>1652162
ntayrt but I see this take way too much, her bf is the only motivation she has right now and tbh she should hold onto it until she is back on her own two feet. You gotta get stability and confidence from somewhere because currently she doesn't have it for herself, if you are into scrotoid death is a win-win as she could bleed him dry, another step on the latter.

>Avoidant personality disorder
I'm just glad that its not one of the personality disorders with a whole lot of stigma attached or a ton of online content made about how to spot it in people. Its like the boring personality disorder. The one that nobody feels too tempted to armchair diagnose in others. Everyones asshole ex 'must be' either bpd or a narc now but avpd.. Its not the juiciest PD so not trendy to turn it into this casual thing you gossip about.

Pain to live with it, was like hitting the same brick wall over and over trying to fight the urge to hide from everything. When I was a teen and showing signs already but not diagnosed yet I had my parents as a buffer to the world. Not that bad when you're still young but I essentially swapped that out when later I had bfs I leaned on too much. Needing them as my social crutch or my buffer against having to do certain things by or for myself. That was when I wish I'd thought of the bigger picture. Whats best long term and not just whats comfortable in the moment. Those times only stunted me. Felt like phases of regression and of course when a relationship ends and you've been that dependant on them its alot to have pulled out from under you. My first break up was me going into crisis not knowing how to cope without him. Not just how to cope. How to leave the house again. I'd needed that trusted chaperone for years and both guys (next one too, I'm a slow learner) were weirdly only too happy to oblige when it clearly wasn't doing me any favors. I deep down knew that. That's on me. I recognized that it was taking me backwards and still leaned into what was easier in the moment.

It was self esteem destroying as time ticked on and I was getting older.. still needing a crutch-person to do certain things. Leaning on others was always my downfall. Made some good progress now while single and I just dread that if I meet someone that old trap of having them slowly become my crutch would come back. Done too well to go back on all that now.

>>1652187
Avpd too, haven’t answered to my job messages in two months. I’m desperate. I’m on three different medications for anxiety and I still can’t look at my fucking furaffinity inbox without crying. My rent is due in three days and I guess I gotta just fucking log in and deal with rightfully upset customers (I have all of their pieces finished, I just can’t fucking even think about interacting with others). What Do? Lol. Christ. I’m sorry for anyone who has ever found me interesting or fun and then I just don’t ever reply again or start acting awkward and boring and they can notice, probably.

i can never figure out if i'm splitting or if i'm actually having rational thoughts but i want to turn my life around. i want to break up with my bf, move for myself with my cat and finish my bachelors degree. i don't feel fulfilled and i keep wanting, or even lusting, for something different. what i have now is stable and safe, but i can't shake this feeling that keeps coming in waves for the past half year

Are there any cluster A nonas? I need to hear from another woman dealing with this crap.

Is it possible to have some of every cluster? Is there an ABC cluster?

>>2269288
no offense anon, but bitches like you want to have a sense of belonging so bad that you’ll literally force yourselves into anything and everything that’s considered a box or label! it’s frankly small-minded and pathetic and you’re the type that’s most likely to be recruited into cults, like trannyism

>>2269267
yes, im schizoid schizotypal
>>2269288
yes theoretically but in practice not really, behaviors that would get diagnosed as disordered are either too different, not extreme, or similar enough that borderline personality disorder label would cover all the disordered behaviors

avpd + chronic depression. I've ruined my own life. I've been too scared to even leave the house for months. scared to open my email and to turn on my phone. no friends no relationships and nothing to show for my years being alive. unemployed and still live with my parents and can't even wash my own clothes. therapy doesn't help. currently medicated but doesn't help much. going to be 26 in a couple of weeks and it's been making me miserable

33 y/o schizoid due to brain damage and being raised by parents who'll give their kid brain damage. Unemployed and trapped in an awful relationship because it's better than being homeless again. Life sucks, nonas. One day I'll jump off my balcony and no one will ever really have gotten to know me.

Not schizoid enough to be a schizoid but the introversion/shut-in/need to do everything myself emotional storms I get into are really irritating. I still engage in normal relationships and crave them and the like but being taught by a possibly paranoid pd parent in childhood that I need to shut myself out and the world is out to get me probably is starting to kick in right now.

>>2269317
Ayrt does anyone know you're schizoid schizotypal? Have you managed to live your life alone and peacefully?

greetings fellow schizotypal nonnas
i love/hate having autistic religious hermit personality disorder

>>2270804
Lol I feel the same, I kind of enjoy being this way, sometimes it all feels like a game set up for me to solve. Sometimes when Im very depressed I feel like this sense of things in the world being deeply important parts of a grander pattern that I can almost see gets 'severed' and it is so fucking miserable. I'm glad that this orientation towards the world pushes me in my chosen field (maths). I dont like when I get delusions of alien control though that sucks and is scary. I honestly feel like that's the only part of this that is a 'disorder' at all for me kek

>>2270604
i dont know anyone on a more than acquaintance level apart from one parent i barely interact with so not really, i quit almost all social things apart from online where i live with a false persona occasionally for 7 years now .
i live alone and work from home and in a low social type of role (software developer) so i suppose i do live my life alone and peacefully,
though it does feel as if sometimes life itself is a useless set of the same things over and over, or just existing is extremely distressing due to schizotypal self-disorder and issues with time space perception and self image and seeing "truth of reality" (bizarre stupid ideas) which are constant.
the downside of being able to live in a manner that is entirely comfortable (e.g. no sociality or emotional demands) means that having to go outside of your comfort zone is extremely painful and i am so deconditioned that the average things a person might do like have a conversation about anything emotional causes serious dissociative issues for me
if i was just schizotypal perhaps it would be easier to handle the divide between life is perfect/the way you live is killing you (even if some higher level parts of the psychology are adapted to aloneness the base social animal part is always damaged by it even in repression). maybe i just need to wait until im older and symptoms mellow out and try not to lose my mind before then
eventually you run out of places to hide; can't retract any further from the world that is overbearing and cruel. i don't think it is possible to be truly "peaceful" as a schizoid even if you get every single thing you wanted
>>2270804
being schizotypal can be a little bit fun when you are not trapped in the doom spiral

>>2270268
nona are you me? I don't think I'm certifiably schizoid but I can't stand being around people 90% of the time, love to be alone, and I was raised by a very paranoid self-described (and proud) "misanthrope." It just feels so much easier to be alone.
Schizotypal has been brought up before in therapy but I honestly still don't know why except maybe magical thinking.

>>2271260
Ayrt probably. My father proudly bragged about how he had no friends and how it made his life so much easier and that nobody could hurt him. He'd tell me to ditch all my friends at school because "all friends become enemies one day so why are you hanging out with your enemies". Lovely thing to tell a kid whose social skills are still developing. I didn't listen to him of course and had normal friends and relationships but being generally isolated from people probably did something since I was also constantly showered with unwanted attention which made me shut in as a defense mechanism.

Nice to see other Cluster A people here. Im myself a schizoid, and it's not too bad if you learn to be in peace with societal expectations and your own desires.
I always was "that weirdo", and in the back of my mind I wanted to be a normie, but never understood why. I never wanted whatever they have going on, but only because I thought it was the right thing to do. I hope it makes as sense.
As an example, I never dated before my mid-20s and found a very nice and kind bf because I wanted this "normal people dating" experience. I got annoyed with it two month in, this whole "having a bf" thing. I thought that having some guy who messages you 24/7 and even sleeps in your goddamn bed and even has sex with you extremely taxing. How could other people live like that? Good thing that we parted on good terms, he was a sweet guy and deserved someone who was more caring.
Now, I know better what I want from life. And I must say, I like it that being a loner is more common. Less people are dating and having friends and don't start families and stuff. I pity normies since it's a hell for them, but it basically my dream life and its getting normalized: being alone and just drifting through life and never being close to anyone.

Incoming long vent. In childhood I was constantly compared to, belittled by, SAd and thrown around like a toy by male family members, their friends and enablers and it's turned me into a violent narcissist around moids. I lived in a patriarchal society but my family was like a meritocracy about it. You're treated based on what you're perceived as at birth. If you're hurt, put down, bullied, etc by someone then it is always your fault for being lesser, for being weaker, less talented, less experienced etc and it is your responsibility to be stronger, smarter, learn and grow to beat them, no exceptions or excuses. That was the rule. And being female my worth was inherently less, I wasn't taught the same things as my male counterparts in the family because women dumb and just a bunch of holes and don't need that, I physically wasn't strong because basic biology says a grown man is stronger than a six-year-old child.
I developed a really extreme hateful mentality towards all males, I feel violently threatened whenever they share any achievements or good things that happened to them. I feel what I think is "narcissistic rage" by the definition and blows to my ego and have the urge to be better and superior and see them as lesser and inferior. Their world revolves around me kind of emotional thought process.
The amusing thing is that I don't feel this way around women, there weren't a lot of them around in my childhood for me to form anything negative towards them (though I do remember through foggy memories clinging to the few I knew emotionally). Attachment style, behaviour, emotions feel pretty normal around them (minus pickmes or male enablers, they get the axe too).
I can't get help for this, if I'm a true narc then it makes sense and I wouldn't blame people for hating my shit. Even talking about the basic traits will get me called a misandrist, terf, "not all men uwu", I've had a few brushes with that and left before I could get grilled further. One therapist asked what my thoughts were on transwomen a second after I opened up about a fraction of my trauma, another said I just needed to "get rid of my social misandry which is a common phenomenon in this generation" KEK.
I don't know what this could be labelled as. I'm some kind of half-narc? I think my behaviour qualifies for a full NPD diagnosis but the fact I don't have it around half of the population should nullify it. Then again, another symptom of narcissism is not wanting to change, which is me to an extent, so I don't know. A part of me wants men to hate me for it too, enjoys the attention in a sense. Perhaps that is "supply"?
The rage and emotional storms are definitely on par with what I've read on NPD though. I posted this on the vent thread once and had a suggestion it was just deep trauma, but PDs are formed from deep trauma, no? I could agree but I feel a really inflated sense of self around them and other things exclusive to narcs. I read how narcissism/NPD theoretically forms from a person being essentially forced into codependency against their will, and how it involves a split between your ego self and your superego self (with the sin being self-deceit where you convince yourself you're just the latter or conflate the two), which is definitely me.

>>2269314
I unfortunately think thats me. What do I do now?

How is histrionic personality disorder any different from narcissistic personality disorder? Histrionic personality disorder just seems like somatic narcissism + misogyny to me.
Also is it possible to have a lot of histrionic traits due to a parental figure? My mom is some sort of somatic narcissist or HPD with a lot of flirtatiousness, charm, & sex appeal and I feel like as I get older I have a lot of those traits that have likely learned from her. But our empathy is completely different, my mom will use pets like props and neglect them whereas I feel like I have too much empathy and care overly about animals and children if that makes sense. Sorry if this is a retarded post, my family is full of personality disordered people including myself and I just really want to understand why they occur and how they pass down. And how also certain people have too much empathy while their parents with NPD have zero.

>>2277416
They're both about external validation but the general gist from my experience is that histrionics are more fearful of being unloved while narcs are more fearful about being worthless or inadequate. Histrionics tend to crave both positive and negative attention while narcs dislike negative attention. The theory says histrionics have more anxious attachment styles while narcs have more avoidant once. Histrionics don't fear looking dumb or pathetic while clinging in relationships, can be overly intimate, etc. Narcs tend to fear genuine intimacy because it threatens their fragile self-esteem by exposing vulnerability. Histrionics' relationships are marked by extreme emotional intensity, they're overly trusting and gullible often, while narcs manipulate by emotional distance and arrogance or defensiveness

>>2277422
Samefag, criticism to the histrionic amplifies their feelings of rejection and they increase efforts to regain attention or reassurance which is anxious attachment. Criticism to the narc is a blow to their ego and leads to defensiveness (narcissistic injury) and they'll cut the criticiser off, react with rage which is avoidant attachment. It's basically love vs worth respectively

>>2277422
Thanks anon, that sounds like my mom to a T. With that information, I assume NPD and HPD would attract each other like BPD and NPDs do (it’s the anxious and avoidant yin-yang). Now I wonder if NPDs are incapable of dating each other in the long-term.
Another question if you don’t mind me asking, how would HPD vary from BPD then? HPD sounds eerily similar to BPD based on what you’ve written.

>>2277432
Hmm that is a bit harder to explain but I'll try. Theoretically, HPD is driven by the core fear of being unloved or unnoticed while BPD is driven by abandonment and rejection, though there's plenty of overlaps and people are pretty complex. HPD is primarily anxious attachment, but BPD is disorganised attachment; you could say BPD is kind of in between NPD and HPD in a way since they simultaneously crave closeness and fear it, which leads to the whole push-pull dynamic and splitting iirc. Both seek attention but at the root HPD seems to seek attention for its own sake for a surface level sense of connection while BPD seeks more validation or emotional safety for a deeper fear of abandonment. Superficial relationships vs intense/unstable relationships, theatrical emotions vs dysregulated emotional pendulum respectively

>>2277442
Interesting, thanks so much for explaining. My family looks like this:
> dad: NPD
> mom: probable HPD
> me: BPD with likely some HPD characteristics learned from mom
> sibling: NPD characteristics learned from dad
Then I have other half siblings who suffered severe parental neglect (like being in diapers until they were in high school) and now are low-functioning psychos constantly in trouble with the law and always threatening to violently hurt random people. Thinking about my own family members has made me very interested in how personality disorders are created and how they don’t always “pass” down, but it’s more like one disordered caretaker neglects or abuses their children and then that teaches the kid poor emotional regulation and coping skills, creating a wound which in turn opens you up to PDs usually in that cluster (BPD, NPD, ASPD, etc). I’m not a psychologist but my experience has been that psychologists don’t really want to understand how we are created and instead just want to slap diagnoses on it & call it a day. Truthfully I really wish I never got diagnosed with BPD because it has such a bad stigma.

>>2277468
>now are low-functioning psychos constantly in trouble with the law and always threatening to violently hurt random people
Sounds like CD/ASPD