[ Rules ] [ ot / g / m ] [ pt / snow / w ] [ meta ] [ Server Status ]

/ot/ - off-topic

Name
Email
Subject
Comment
File(20 MB max)
Video
Password (For post deletion)
The site maintenance is completed but lingering issues are expected, please report any bugs here

File: 1660083369776.jpg (49.17 KB, 400x400, 5e7040a43fd37a61d3c6f710930df8…)

No. 1296246

Because sometimes not forgiving feels better than doing it.
>Do you struggle with forgiving others?
>Is there anyone that, despite loving them, feels like you will never be able to forgive?
>Is there anyone you will never forgive?
>Do you find people who are generally "nice" and "well meaning" but still fuck up harder or easier to forgive?
>Is it more cathartic to forgive or to not forgive for you?
>Does the phrase "forgive and move on" or "turn the page" make you upset?
>What is your criteria to forgive or not forgive others?
>Do you think you'll ever be able to move on?
>Do you think it's bad for others to force you forgive?

No. 1296253

I resent my own mother so much despite being otherwise nice. We lack a lot of boundaries and I always felt like her happiness or her own sickness was my responsibility. I am only 26 but when I'm with her, I feel way older while also feeling like she infantilizes me. She did her best but there's things I will simply not forgive… like her forcing me to forgive her or my abusive family members.
Actually, now that I think about it, I think I resent her even more for being emotionally neglectful when I most needed it, for not being there for me and for chosing to do nothing over certain family members who did shit to me. Just now she said "move on turn the page and stop talking about it" when I told her how I felt like all my life I was treated like I'm stupid despite achieving things. I know this is a buzzword but I feel there's definetely some gaslighting with her and also the fact she chose my abusive brother first. Yes, she's nice and I will always love her, but I'm just looking for a way to stay away from her while just casually maintaining contact. This is of course, extremely hurtful because I do love her and feel guilty. But it must be done.

No. 1296256

Sometimes I feel like I was the wrong kind of daughter for my mom, instead of my mom being the wrong kind for me. It feels like I should had been more normie with better mental health and stuff etc but I mean, the life experiences and my own family history meant I was bound to be at least a little fucked up. I've had a lot of good moments with my mom, and others where I wonder if I'm just overreacting thanks to my stupid brain chemistry. But this has been a thing since I was a child, I never felt understood, listened to, and I was even berated constantly. Feeling guilty about not being right has driven me to suicidal ideation more than once, and I'm just tired. Tired that despite my mother not being a bad person per se I was simply not the right baby, or maybe she failed to understand some of my emotional needs. I don't want to forgive this, not until I finally can heal.

No. 1296260

I will definetely not forgive the fact I had to forgive my abusive brother more than once, being forced to do it by my even more abusive father kek. And my mum did nothing about it. I think my mum was simply too codependent. But anyways, I don't talk to my brother anymore, haven't talked to it in 6 years after my dad died. I could never forgive him.

No. 1296275

I can and will never forgive my rapist. He was evil and I know now he has a wife and a kid and I really wait every day to see a murder report at some point. There is no doubt in my mind because he was so abusive in every way. He doesn’t deserve my respect or forgiveness and I hope the angry energy I send towards him makes him die in the most painful, extended way possible. I HATE when anyone brings up the idea of forgiving him even if it’s for my own sake because it’s something he deserves. I don’t forgive any man who has done that to a woman. Ever.

No. 1296278

My parents never failed me in the way that they always provided for me and my needs, they even bought me cool videogames, but they weren't emotionally sound, there always was some kind of screaming in the house between them or towards my other sibling. They fought a lot, to the point that my dad used a gun on my mom but fired it at a tv instead. They also treated me like I was stupid sometimes, and didn't let me use things inside the house, I didn't know how to use the washing machine for years. Paradoxically they also loved that I wasn't very conflictive growing up (at first) and very good at school, and they thought I would do great things in life etc. It wasn't until I started being a little more revelious that they started treating me differently (in the bad way). My mom loves telling me that they always always were there for me and that they always always gave me things. I still struggle with the idea that maybe they weren't so bad after all, but then something in me says "no, they totally were bad, don't gaslight yourself" kek. Anyways. I don't want to forgive, I would like to heal first but forgetting this stuff, "turning the page" is just so idioting to me when it deeply impacted very serious parts of my life.

No. 1296302

My dad was very controlling, and my mom always went along with him, I'm not sure if she did this out of fear or what, but that definetely fucked me up. My brother lashed out at me constantly and said shit to me that hurts me to this day, and he's the main reason why I hate men lmao. My family was very disfunctional, and I see the effects on my adult self now. My emotions are all over the place. Just now I'm learning to let go of things that hurt me, and healing.

However, I do not believe that forgiveness is necessary to healing. It would not help in any way shape or form to give my forgiveness, something that must absolutely be EARNED, to the people that failed me. Those who say "forgiving is the first step to healing" are so full of bullshit, because for me, part of healing is keeping in mind those things that hurt you and then working towards improving yourself. Why or HOW would giving my precious forgiveness to the people who were mean to me, exhausted me, berated me, or had their 3rd strike in the emotional department, good for my own growth? Why would saying "wow they weren't so bad after all" and letting them in my life again help me at all?

No. 1296305

I was watching a news clip lately about a murderer being sentenced. The mother of some poor murdered child was saying she forgives the (pedo) man because of god or christianity for whatever telling her to do so. I've never agreed with the emphasis that god-types can sometimes put on forgiveness of such serious crimes. If you spend a decade raping kids or beating all your gfs then nobody on earth owes you shit. Live with the social stigma. You earned it.

I know some people claim that forgiveness serves victims too (meant to take a weight off?) but I don't buy it. For small stuff, sure. But there's limits. I grew up surrounded by CSA and covering up for abusers was common. Feels like the same ole thing to me whenever people think stuff like that deserves forgiveness. It's just being in denial of the gravity of it. Some damage lasts a lifetime. Be kind to yourself and don't try to soothe scumbags.

No. 1296320

File: 1660087788113.gif (3.69 MB, 498x249, fine-a24.gif)

>>1296305
The religious idea of forgiveness is a fucking cancer in this world. Any religion that wants you to forgive rape or murder is absolutely brainwashing you and wants you to be weak or meek. It's always women, children, or victims the ones who have to forgive too. The perpetuator eventually learns that he will always be forgiven by others or by god and doesn't learn shit, he will continue commiting atrocities and hurting others. I want women of the world to stop forgiving others, I want them to fight back and be crass, unforgiving, brutal.

Even the shit that is aimed at us, like those instagram uwuhealing accounts and pinterest quotes, those TV shows and chicflics written by men, everything… society wants women to forgive abusers and anyone who hurts us no matter what, with no critical thought or consideration for or own feelings. Just forgive, forgive, forgive. I think this is bullshit.

No. 1296326

Nonnies, do you believe anyone that "means well" but fucks it up should be forgiven?

No. 1296332

>>1296320
religion in general is a cancer killing the stupid. We will never progress as long as people believe in these cults.

No. 1296350

>>1296326
It depends on how they react after being called out. Somebody who truly meant well would make an effort to change their behavior if they found out it hurt somebody else, but if they continue the same bullshit and cry about how their intentions were good every single time then they can fuck off.

No. 1296353

Sex offenders should never be forgiven. All of them belong suffering. Consent is not an optional choice and perceiving it as one is a sign of much fouler degeneracies that will only worsen over time.

No. 1296358

I'm never going to forgive the kids that bullied me in high-school. People say they were kids, they didn't know better. Maybe they had something going on that caused them to act like that. But I was just a kid too and what they did to me has had so many negative effects in my life. Sure I've moved on and I'm doing much better now, but I'm never going to forgive them.

They might be able to forget what shitty things they did but I can't.

No. 1296478

>>1296350
Not this anon but want to build off because I agree with the above. I always look at it as forgiveness and apologies are for genuine mistakes. Not decisions they now regret due to consequence. Did they think the ends justifies the means? Did they know it would hurt you and decide somewhere in their head that was an okay outcome they could make up later as long as they got what they wanted? If so that’s not a mistake. That’s a decision. A decision that clearly tells me where we stand. I’m not important and you’ll fuck me over for your own gain. And decisions don’t get to apologize. Own your shit. Own up that you wanted to hurt me and we’re okay with it for reason A or B. If it was an accident. An genuine I didn’t know this would happen than back to the other anons original point.

No. 1296479

>>1296478
Would you forgive your parents if they were well meaning but ultimately became toxic due to their own set of personal issues? My mom tried her best to raise me but she herself was deeply wounded.

No. 1296504

Abuse is never forgivable tbh. Nobody should feel guilt over having been abused. Anger is the emotion that tells you something is wrong

No. 1296512

>>1296479
I think it depends on whether the cycle is broken or not? Is she continuing the behaviors albeit not as bad? Is she negatively impacting your life? My mother was and when I had my daughter I saw some of the same patterns. Not nearly as severe but I could see the ways they would shape my daughter, she couldn’t change. So I cut her off.

No. 1296519

>>1296512
Ayrt
>Is she continuing the behaviors albeit not as bad?
Yeah. Tbh she's not as bad as she used to be, I would call her nice, too. Remembering what I went through gives me a rethorical headache so I try not to, but it's hard not to judge everything based on certain situations that happened in the past. Something in me tells me things weren't as bad, the other tells me yes they were bad even when there were other nice moments around. She has learnt, but I feel like there's certain things that still manage to hurt me. I want to think my mom is a nice woman, because I see it otherwise.
>Is she negatively impacting your life?
She is, but that's probably because I haven't been able to fly away from the nest yet. I do love her, but I feel extremely guilty for moving on with my life and go achieve things while she stays the same. I guess it's not my responsiblity but it still makes me scared of her dying or something while I'm away. I don't want to completely cut her off, but I know that if I was to move away, I would probably go low contact. Or at least not see her as mucch as I would like to, since I'm planning on moving states. That's when I'm scared of her dying.

No. 1296521

File: 1660106669068.jpeg (46.85 KB, 500x375, 1606190364600.jpeg)

I hold on to grudges forever. Even really small petty things I never forget, and I still hope the persons who slighted me enough to remember for years are having bad times. I know it is really very unhealthy to keep these negative emotions but for some reason it's cathartic. To my enemies I wish them a very bad day.

No. 1296522

I hate that my BPD probably makes things worse with my personal relationships but I wish I could forgive shit. I simply can't, I keep being sensitive and re-living things that I thought would not hurt me anymore. I don't want to hurt others, I want to move on, I believe people can be nice, and I don't want to be someone who is an asshole to others, specially not the ones who love me. But when those people who love me hurt me, I resent it even more, and I feel like I was let down hard more than one time before. I'm so sorry.

No. 1296526

My older sister is a massive bitch who made my life hell too many times to count while getting away with it. She's partially why I'm mentally fucked up. And she still has the audacity to call me the problem child. She will never get my forgiveness and I'm cool with never speaking to her again.

No. 1296530

useless alcoholic father has made no effort to be in my life despite remarrying some overseas bride and having kids. he has kids from other marriages too. all of them will leave, and he will die alone, and i will not attend his funeral. he wasted an opportunity to be in my life and it’s not up to me to repair the bridge.

No. 1296869

>>1296246
The problem with forgiveness is that there are 2 types and most people don’t understand how either are actually supposed to work.

1. Religious forgiveness: The wrongdoer is supposed to show remorse for that they have done before they are forgiven. Sometimes they will have to do something (a penance) to prove this.

2. Self healing forgiveness: This is focused solely on the victim moving on with their life. They are still hurt by what happened but they aren’t having strong emotions about what happened anymore. Usually this involves going low or no contact with the wrongdoer.

Note that neither of these require you to act like nothing happened and still be around the wrongdoer when the wrongdoer has shown no remorse, which is what people often confuse for being forgiveness.

No. 1298007

Nah forgiveness bs is invented by religions to keep women under control and forgive criminals, rapists, abusive partners.. Men take themselves too seriously and say lack of a father figure messes up children but I disagree, I think a “love heals all” type of pick me mother figure is much much worse.

Ofc I’m all for therapy and learning to live with trauma but forgiveness? Hell no. Unfortunately I’m also surrounded by these brainwashed types who are clueless as for why people keep fucking with them over and over again

No. 1298062

File: 1660227326850.jpeg (63.69 KB, 575x680, 843B0046-705E-41B7-A1D1-32F617…)

If you exploit and abuse women in any way God is gonna come for you. You don’t get to thrive. You will be cursed. Always look over your shoulder.

No. 1298186

I don't understand what people mean when they talk about forgiveness.

I either think someone is a harmful or worthless person, then I will treat them accordingly. If I don't, I don't. I try to stay away from harmful people. When they're not around, I don't think about them. When someone hurts me I'm upset and try to understand the situation and figure out how to avoid future injury, and when that's done, that's done and I act accordingly.

Is "forgiveness" some psyop to make people spend time and energy on harmful people? Like I genuinely do not understand the concept. According to wikipedia it's about overcoming negative emotions, but that's not at all what people mean. I'm not going to be indifferent about someone abusing me and being a bad person, and being chill with that person, it's nonsensical to think that's how you're supposed to act. That just turns you into a punching ball people use and abuse all the time.

No. 1298212

It might be just me being fucking crazy but besides not forgiving I love cutting people off my life too. Sometimes it doesnt even take being a bad person, I just vibe with them or whatever.

I used to be the "uwu accept everyone be tolerant be nice love wins!!!" type of person but so many people saw me as an easy target, a bitch even said it in front of me to others as gossip. Currently learning to not give a fuck and be selfish and trust my instinct now

No. 1298216

File: 1660237418083.jpeg (69.26 KB, 821x428, 1C62370A-017D-46D1-9A11-429BBB…)

I don't have issues forgiving others but I have issues forgetting, which in turn makes me harbor resentment for those who have wronged me. If the person I’ve forgiven does the same thing I forgave them for again, I rescind my forgiveness and act cold and rude to them. I know it’s a bit immature, but usually the ones repeatedly crossing my boundaries and pushing my buttons are the same people in my life who don’t take me seriously unless I show them the prickly side of myself, and then it’s all “where’d our sweet anon go??? you are so kind why are you acting like this?”. Humans have limits and I am very human, so I don't feel the need to always be the one to bridge the gap with those who have dug out aforementioned gap.

No. 1298294

>>1298062
no one cares about your imaginary friends anon

No. 1298297

My parents always treated me like i was inferior and I always did everything in my power to try to make them happy and get rewards and it never worked. They refuse to acknowledge how they have hurt me by ignoring my feelings and constantly beating me when I was down. I remember having a mental breakdown from being stressed from school and my dad decided to start beating me and screaming at me to get me to stop. I remember when I mum only believed me about being bullied at my first ever job when somebody else who worked there came with the same story and she said she could never believe me because i constantly lie which wasn't true. They decide to start randomly love bombing me when they realise that i hate them whilst still refusing to acknowledge how much they ruined my self-esteem. I also hate my mother for constantly bugging me about getting married because it feels like she wants to send somebody to rape me. She is also a turbo pick-me who advocated for one of my family friends to stay married to a man who humiliated her on a grand scale and constantly have issues with a woman harassing her because he led her on.

No. 1298308

>>1298294
Let her be

No. 1298314

>>1298212
Lol, I was the same. Always repeatedly pretending like nothing had happened and letting people walk all over me again. Thought ghosting was one of the most cruel things you could do to someone.

Now that I'm dealing with my childhood trauma, I ghost people like crazy and let others know what terrible people they are.

No. 1298315

>>1298062
I love you nonnie

No. 1298335

File: 1660241709273.jpg (24.96 KB, 400x400, WwOf-3tQ_400x400.jpg)

My mom is not so bad as other mothers out there but there's a few things I will never be able to forgive and still make me angry to this day
>Bitches about people constantly, people on tv, politicians, everyone
>Always judges other's appareance (despite her being obese)
>Didn't let me make my own friends, always controlled my friendships
>Told me to stay with a toxic girlfriend because "she will be the only one who loves and tolerates you in your life"
>Literally looks and acts like Aimep3 when trying to be funny (pic is aimep3)
>Overshares private stuff with my own friends, acts all sickly and sad in front of them, one of my friends was like "lol I don't mind listening to your mom uwu" well I fucking do jackass
>Opens my door sometimes even though she doesn't open my brother's door ever
>Infantilizes me constantly, doesn't let me use appliances, I have to buy my own
>Always made me feel guilty for things I had no control over as a child
>I could never be a happy playful child or do any normal child mess because she would get fucking angry
>Stayed with my dad even though my dad was clearly abusive and manipulative as fuck, coddles my brother who is exactly the same
>Overfed me and then emotionally neglected me
>I felt like I had to grow up quicker than others
>I feel guilty for her own sadness and sickness when she was the one to chose to not treat herself, lose weight, or do something to be happier, she just doesn't want to do anything about it

No. 1298476

>>1298335
Did you- post a pic of your mom? Wtf

No. 1298482

>>1298476
Nta but reverse image search comes up with a bunch of pics, so no

No. 1298512

>>1298335
Fucking hell I coulda wrote this, i'm sorry, it's a horrible environment to grow up in. The oversharing to friends bit, ooft. So irritating bc to other people it's "omg she's just worried/cares about you" so no one get's it.

No. 1298781

>>1298476
did you not read my text? I said it is aimep3, an infamous latin american lolcow

No. 1298806

Do you guys think letting go of resentment is a type of forgiveness?

No. 1298849

>>1298806
Yes and it’s the best to live by in my opinion. I’ve had people fuck me over pretty bad and I know they don’t care or ever will. So what is holding a grudge and making myself feel bad about it gonna do for, it’s just going to keep me held down. On the other side we aren’t perfect either and will fuck people over sometimes in our lives. That’s why we need to forgive others so we can get the same forgiveness for our mistakes. It doesn’t mean you have to entertain the person who fucked you over but just let it go and be the bigger person

No. 1298958

>>1298849
>>1298806
I guess you could say you can let go of resentment but still not give forgiveness to someone. Like, saying "I have healed from this, but the thing this person did was something I cannot forgive, even if it currently doesn't hurt me anymore"
Like, for example, let's say something very abusive happened in your life. You can heal from it and stop having resentment, but by innertia what they did is unforgivable

No. 1299102

I understand my mother, but I don't think I've actually forgiven her. She got post partem psychosis and tried to kill me when I was a couple weeks old. She's also a drug addict and alcoholic, generally picked horrible scrotes from what I've heard. I think she mentioned being diagnosed with bpd at some point? When I had to meet her due to her winning visitation rights, I asked her to apologize, but she claimed she has no idea what I'm talking about. Probably not necessarily out of malice, she probably truly doesn't really remember it, like a bad dream. I still agreed to let her visit me, because even though I didn't know my own mother and she's practically a complete stranger, I did pity her. However she only showed up a couple times, then never visited again. Only calling me when she got dumped by another drug addict creep and wanted attention. I can see how she ended up the way she did, her parents really fucked up. You know the type, high society, but swingers in the 70's and my grandpa is a bit of a pedo creep. She used to be very intelligent and was personalitywise quite similar to me apparently, but she got involved with shady scrotes while trying to escape her shitty home situation. I doubt I would've done much better than her in a situation like that, but that I can't even get a sorry? I'm supposed to just forgive her because "she's your mother!", but how am I supposed to forgive someone for trying to kill me, when they still don't give a fuck about me and can't even apologize for it?


Delete Post [ ]
[Return] [Catalog]
[ Rules ] [ ot / g / m ] [ pt / snow / w ] [ meta ] [ Server Status ]