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No. 1218942

This is a thread for CPTSD and PTSD diagnosed members to share our experiences, struggles, and successes relating to these disorders.
If the bpdfags can have one so can we.

No. 1218946

Does anyone else have trouble making new friends? My old friends from before the trauma I'm fine with but I'm scared of being vunerable with strangers.

No. 1218948

Is there overlap between being a bpdfag and having cptsd? I got diagnosed with BPD by a male psychiatrist and the female psychiatrist I got assigned by the state said it's more likely I have cptsd. So I'm not really sure what I have lol

No. 1218950

>>1218948
female cptsd sufferers are often incorrectly labelled as bpd thanks to sexism

No. 1218953

i can't even create art anymore because i just fucking criticize myself the whole time. what's wrong with my brain

No. 1218977

>>1218953
This has been my struggle my whole life, yet I went to college for art. I always think about what I could have been without cptsd.
>Family put pressure on me to share my art with them since a young age, over time it shut me down
>I remember my dad screaming at child me for being too shy to sing a karaoke game he bought me. I remember crying because I wanted to sing for him but I didn't know the song. I Knew I could never explain that to him because he was irrational and terrifying.
>Never felt safe to sing or make art around family again.
>Tried to do graphic design in college but got too scared to actually make a portfolio to be judged by others so I did art instead
>lived for approval from professors but was too afraid to ever truly be myself and get lost in a process
>Only did bare minimum to graduate. Final work to display for a show was random shit.
>I have no idea who I am or what I'm good at, all I know is that I love drawing the human body and one professor told me I was one of the best students he ever had
>didn't realize I was traumatized until the end of college when I was diagnosed


And here I am. An adult child who has emotional blocks around art, which I majored in. I have an iPad and an apple pencil and I struggle to use it. I feel like I have the most expression when I make songs, oddly enough.

No. 1218989

Female socialization is basically cptsd

No. 1219003

>>1218989
Agreed

No. 1219006

>>1218953
>>1218977
Wow, we’re living similar lives in different parts of the world huh. My parents were not supportive of my hobby though. In fact i abandoned drawing from the ages of 12 to 18. Occasionally drawing in secret from time to time. I lived in a cult, drawing was forbidden so kids tore up my sketches, accused me of drawing nude girls, challenging god. My brother and mom tried to steer me away my brother beat me up when i was 16 for going back into drawing. He’s a wannabe artist now with toddler like skills and my family says i’m mimicking him lol. Its pretty painful

No. 1219008

my ptsd is making it hard to function.
i just freeze up and can't do anything for days at a time. all i can think about is how scared i am. i can be in my house alone with all doors locked and still be afraid my rapist is somehow going to be in the hallway or appear out of nowhere no matter how irrational it is. i'm trying to seek therapy but it's hard when my intense paranoia is met with "well if your coping mechanisms help just keep doing them". it's been almost 4 years i want to get better even though i know it's likely impossible.
do any other nonnies have this extreme paranoia as well

No. 1219027

>>1218977
wow, are we the same person? i had the same experience but programming. i loved it as a kid but shitty coworkers made me lose my passion and my final grades were shit because i just didn't care anymore.

No. 1219028

>>1219006
fuck nonny i'm sorry..

No. 1219029

I'm always paranoid that someone is watching/stalking me. I had over-obsessive suitors, friends and teachers in highschool as well as people who would monitor my internet history, secret accounts ect. so I never feel safe on places other than lolcow.

No. 1219037

Is this the same anon that's been spamming mental health threads lately, give it a rest it's so obvious it's some scrote trying to farm grief.

No. 1219041

>>1218950
This. I would honestly take the BPD diagnosis with a grain of salt especially if it came from a male psych.

No. 1219042

>>1219028
Yeah after i got beaten up everything that ever happened that i took on in silence all came crashing down and i had a mental break down that lasted 2 and 1/2 years i’m pretty sure i was soulless for that duration of my life kek and now after 3 years from me snapping out of it i’m now here and gathering back the pieces lol. Of course it’s not all about my hobby there are other things like my gender being a problem for them for some damn reason and not being treated like a human being with dignity in general. But i’m so focused and angry at the drawing thing for some reason

No. 1219046

I read the symptoms of cptsd and it sounds like how I used to be. I'm a lot happier but at the same time not. I still don't have an identity. How do people build identities? HOnestly sometimes it seems like people just pick something and conform to that. But my brain is broken what do I know

No. 1219050

>>1219046
People with cptsd actually do have a solid sense of identity, it can just be fragmented - it's bpd that is characterized with having no identity and copying other's traits

No. 1219069

>>1219050
Things are not so black and white, it varies from person to person. Experience to experience

No. 1219080

>>1219050
There's also avoidant personality disorder which leaves people struggling with an identity. It's not always bpd.

No. 1219421

only thing I feel safe saying is that I feel sympathy for bpds but it actually royally ticks me off that they act like me shutting down and crying is in any way comparable to their value devalue cycle and verbal abuse. I don't trust a single fucker who says bpd and cptsd are the same, it's always,, ALLLWAYS bpd ppl saying it and speaking over us which. pretty much tracks with the behavior. I don't hate you but I have to keep a safe distance for my own safety. if that pisses you off then that's on you, I've had enough of my boundaries being stomped on my entire life, it's all I have now.

No. 1219429

>>1219421
People with bpd traits scare me so much. I dunno why, I think its their eyes. The way you can see them size you up and decide if they want to emulate your life or not.

No. 1219433

I remember someone suggesting on cc that I might have cptsd instead of bpd due to my traumatic childhood, but I do not know if it makes any difference. Having a different diagnosis would surely be nicer from a medical stigma standpoint, but that's about it. I have read opinions of cptsd being misdiagnosed a lot as bpd in women, I wonder if it is true.

No. 1219445

>>1219433
I got a BPD diagnosis after a particularly bad breakdown when I was like 19 but more recently I was diagnosed with CPTSD by someone I was working with for a while. My childhood was pretty messed up too.

No. 1219463

>>1219445
Makes you wonder do these mental health professionals really know what they're talking about? I've seen so many conflicting diagnoses from different doctors

No. 1219503

>>1219429
Same, I've been mistreated by enough of them under the guise of "wow we are so similar" that now I am fed up and I don't care any more if they think I'm a cunt for it. I want to be happy, even if it takes me longer than non-traumatized people

No. 1219549

thank you to the beautiful nonnie who made this thread, im so grateful to see it. I feel like people only ever talk about BPD and how its the worst mental illness to have even though CPTSD shares so many traits with it and no one ever talks about it and there is so much less research done into it

No. 1219568

Does anyone find it hard to get back into life? I feel like i am not allowed to enjoy activities pre-trauma. So i don’t do them. I genuinely don’t give myself the permission to play a vidya or watch a movie or even something as simple as a hobby because of the way my abuser targeted those activities precisely and everytime i try to have fun or something i just remember them. I hate this, i miss just genuinely consuming media without any guilt or thinking its above me

No. 1219585

>>1219429
I've had men suggest I have BPD but I see it more as just things effect me very deeply. When a man abuses me emotionally I want to punish him for it because I want him to feel what I feel. It seems pretty reasonable to me Idk. Not my fault men don't have empathy, literally every meltdown can be avoided by men simply understanding how emotionally taxing their presence can be and how deeply their actions and words effect us. A guy who constantly cheats and abuses women accused me of having BPD. Yeah, maybe, I believe that I have the right not to be abused how about that ?

No. 1219631

>>1219585
>A guy who constantly cheats and abuses women accused me of having BPD.
That's what I hate about all of these unsubstantiated BPD accusation, male rage is always justified but no matter how much evil is done to a woman, she has to stay docile otherwise she's an evil bpd-chan and "it's as much as his fault as yours if he hurts you because you provoked him with your anger"

No. 1219726

i've been having intense CPTSD symptoms for over a decade due being raised by a narc sociopath father and having to witness my mom getting abused for basically my entire childhood. was doing pretty bad, but i went on quetiapine a few months ago and it was a total game changer. therapy was helping too i guess, but very slowly, and it seemed like my brain was getting hijacked by my emotions on a daily basis in a way that made it difficult to function. quetiapine has really helped to stabilize me in a way that SSRIs were never able to, my racing thoughts and negative rumination are gone thank god

No. 1219879

>>1219568
Same, I just sit on my phone :( I really want to get back into those activities but just can't for some reason.

No. 1219901

I've always wondered if I actually have cptsd. I went to a psychiatrist briefly because I was having a lot of trouble with stress, nausea, tics and very frequent panic attacks (almost looping at times), and at first I was (quickly) diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (due to me not eating because of the nausea) but then it was changed to "some sort of anxiety-related disorder" but then I quit therapy because I couldn't afford it anymore. So I've always though I just had anxiety but I've also always thought that I had symptoms that were way too strong for simple anxiety… are there differences or symptoms that overlap?
Beside the symptoms that surfaced during my teenage years, I've always had mental "blocks" and paranoias that (I assume) stem from my mentally ill, unstable and controlling relatives.

No. 1219983

>>1219006
My (muslim) family was exactly the same. I struggle to draw as an adult too

No. 1219999

>>1219983
Yeah, sorry anon. It sucks. My family is muslim too, i just called it a cult instead of mentioning what religion it is because i didn’t want to derail the thread or start a discussion about religions lol just wanna be heard purely on a personal level rather than a religious experience. I have seen muslims that don’t stomp on their kids personhood so i don’t blame it entirely on the religion, my family happened to be abusive and bitter and they used their shitty religion to justify being shitty. also I genuinely view it as a cult anyways lol

No. 1220696

>>1219999
How are women treated in the Muslim religion nonnie?

No. 1220703

>>1219429
Uh wtf anon I’m a bpdfag myself and I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. Some of you guys speak about this like it’s a universal bpd thing. Not all bpdfags have the lack of identity. It would probably be helpful to avoid these types of people that have traumatized you if you were able to identify more about what past “bpd” people have done and if it’s really bpd or more like narcissistic abuse. Bpd doesn’t excuse things like abusive behavior. I personally have only been comfortable with breaking down emotionally with my family or my ex boyfriends; not all of us are low functioning druggies that are raging at the gas station attendant for not having cigs kek. Ik a lot of artfags like LC and generally speaking art circles are full of crazies with off the chart narcissism and victim complexes.

No. 1220757

sometimes it's really hard to tell whether I suffer from cptsd on top of being bipolar and bpd or whether that's what I actually suffer from. the american dsm does not have it. i know my childhood trauma led up to what I am currently dx'ed with and it seems consistent with the criteria but sometimes I wonder if it's wrong. with the bipolar it's there, see the cycling mood, after hearing about cptsd I've been iffy

personal question, feel free not to answer, do any cptsd anons self harm?

No. 1220761

>>1220757
I have, but it is never, never means to get attention or my way. I liken it to letting steam off of a screaming kettle to stop it from exploding. Would rather hurt myself in small ways to get by than do something more drastic and hurt those I love too, but it's infrequent and I never mention it

No. 1220808

>>1220761
yeah sometimes I wonder with mine being more intermittent if it's really bpd self harm or not. then again there's no model of consistency for how often bpd self harm has to be either. I feel like it's still not mild enough to be only related to cptsd symptoms though

the overlap is enough to make it difficult to tell on top of the US dsm not containing it. i wouldn't say I do it for attention as much as I do it wanting someone to either notice I'm not okay, or to more obviously alleviate my pain

No. 1220908

>>1219726
An anti-psychotic really helped me as well. I absolutely hate medication so for me to say something helped me is a big deal. It was basically a miracle when I was very unwell. I still really want to come off it though as I'm in a much better place now and since being medicated I've been able to learn a lot of coping skills and practice them daily.

No. 1221183

>>1220757
yeah, I've just used it as a coping mechanism for 8 years or so. pretty embarrassing as an adult, and I woke up in the ER one day kicking and screaming. my doctors seem to think that was a manic episode. so they're treating me for bipolar but I'm not sure if that's official yet.

No. 1222230

>>1220808
CPTSD is NOT mild. It's just internal bad coping versus external. It destroys you, makes you terrified to move on and try things, and cripples you with the inability to cope with life in general. I'd say a big difference is whether you can point to a lot of your episodes being from emotional triggers, versus seemingly random. There's a big difference between a cry for help and acting out for attention, I think.

No. 1223341

Do you guys ever get manic with antidepressants? Is that part of cptsd?

No. 1223373

>>1223341
It can definitely be a symptom of bipolar but also could be an adverse reaction. I think there are some antidepressants that are less likely to cause mania as a side effect iirc but I'm not sure which.

No. 1223391

Are any of you starting from square zero later in life? I feel so alienated and alone. I’ve only just managed to get four thousand dollars into savings by starving myself while working retail. It feels like there is this membrane that separates me from other people and these unspoken rules and contracts, and basic facets of life. I have been dissociating on a chronic basis for over a decade. Interfacing with reality feels so murky and distant.
I don’t understand how to bridge the divide between the inner world and real life. I don’t feel real.

No. 1223392

>>1223391
Me too anon, try zoloft it helped a little bit
Still don't feel like interacting with the real world though

No. 1223413

>>1222230
>it destroys you, makes you terrified to move on and try things, and cripples you with the inability to cope with life in general
I do have an extreme fear of failure and often don't want to do things or don't end up committing

>I'd say a big difference is whether you can point to a lot of your episodes being from emotional triggers, versus seemingly random
it seems like it's been both, both being under duress or just random bouts of sadness
then again it's constantly like I'm under duress so that would be implying I was healthy enough to have a long string of good days

No. 1223539

Does anyone else struggle with passing out and losing their hearing and vision? When I go grocery shopping or other crowded areas, I sometimes begin to feel a blackout coming from internal freaking out. I begin to pass out, first losing my vision and then my hearing and have had to just curl up in a ball. I've talked to two different psychiatrists who both diagnosed me with CPTSD for other reasons, but this is the one thing they didn't know how to comment on.

No. 1223541

nonnie, have you spoken to a doctor or tried medication at all? I know it doesn't always work for everyone, but I agree with a previous anon that sometimes medication like zoloft can help you stabilize and get back on track. sending love- you aren't alone.

No. 1223557

I'm so tired of holding on, I feel like things will never get better. It only gets worse. I sometimes wish I could go fully crazy so that people could see it and stop expecting me to be normal. I'm so tired of appearing normal, but falling apart inside. Thank you for making this thread. It's a sad, but comforting read.
>>1223391
I know what you mean, I'm in a similar situation. I feel like watching the world from the outside I can see exactly how it all works, but when I try to put myself in that world I just can't make myself fit.

No. 1223574

>>1223413
At first it's really hard to tell the difference to be honest

No. 1223657

>>1223539
I dont feel like blacking out or anything, but i feel my vision gets heavily blurry, i can’t hear anything (like how you hear in water almost) and i speed up whatever i’m doing so i can get the hell out

No. 1223708

It feels like the moment I let my guard down and breathe something new happens to reinforce my negative perceptions of the world

No. 1223724

>>1223391
I'm there with you anon. I'm trying to reconnect with my real world self, I feel like my whole adult life was created on autopilot, and I woke up this year to realise I don't want any of what I built and I have to start over.
I am listening to my intuition for the first time instead of taking the easiest, safest path and everyone probably thinks I'm having a breakdown but I've never felt so purposeful.

No. 1223730

>>1223708
Yeah, or the second I put myself out there and try something it goes to shit and I wonder why I bother, and it's clearly my fault that I'm a failure, then it takes months to recover.

God I am such a fucking lover. I had so much going for me.

No. 1223736

>>1223557
>I'm so tired of holding on, I feel like things will never get better. It only gets worse. I sometimes wish I could go fully crazy so that people could see it and stop expecting me to be normal. I'm so tired of appearing normal, but falling apart inside.
I feel this with every fiber of my being. I hate it so much. I'm normally not one for hugs but I want to give you a hug.

No. 1223756

>>1223724
I’m experiencing exactly the same thing. Although this happened back in 2020, and i’m still figuring out shit like a child 2 years later. It’s hard as fuck

No. 1223972

I went to visit my dad's family who they cut off years and years ago. My dad is a narcissist so I assumed they were the sane ones. I was so, so wrong. They're the exact same as he is.. the whole time I felt on edge. They just associated us (as children) with our father and cut us out as well which was so, so wrong. They blamed me and my sisters for not reaching out earlier. (Wtf? We were kids.) I was expecting a great reconciliation but no such luck. Guess I'll have to live with it.

No. 1225344

Just wanted to let you all know what helped me the most. I used to be so stuck in an emotional state where I believed I was worthless and unable to function like other people due to my past abuse. I was seeking counseling / therapy for ~9 years and still had this inner wound that controlled my entire worldview and view of myself. I changed it up and seeked therapy specifically for trauma. 2 years of trauma focused therapy changed everything. Now I have done things that I once thought was actually impossible for me. I have had more progress in the last 2 years than I have ever had. CBT helped to an extent with self awareness and recognizing harmful thoughts, but I needed something more. Get the help you can afford as anything is better than nothing, but if possible get a professional who specifically treats trauma.


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