/ot/ - off-topic

The pandemic has made me regress so hard it's not even funny. I finished my 4 year degree online during the pandemic and it made me feel completely isolated. I started my first job out of college making legit pennies but all I want to do is be a weeaboo neet. I don't think I would have regressed this far back if I didn't find comfort in old hobbies like anime and model building during the isolation of the pandemic. I'm trying so hard to be a normie and advance in life/my job when all I want to do is sit around doing nothing while MAYBE starting a YouTube channel. I know it's stupid but juggling both is exhausting.

>>1031578
I think the pandemic also made me regress in my social skills. I have become more grouchy and moody and it's horrible. I feel like an hermit somehow

Maybe this is not the thread for me, but I felt this way pre-pandemic. It's pathetic, but I came out of a break up from a really short relationship (like one month lol) with a girl who I'd been pining over for years, and I felt so weird afterwards. There was the normal sadness that most people feel after a break up, and then there was a few long months where everything felt very surreal and disjointed. It felt as if my body didn't belong to me anymore, like I was just a guest in my body, keeping it warm and occupied until my "actual" self returned. I felt so disconnected from myself, like someone slammed a hard reset button in my brain and I was trying to figure out who I was and was just trying my best to mimick my "actual" self. A pilot trying to control an unfamiliar robot body.

I feel like there is a very distinct difference between the version of myself who used to left this body, and the me who currently inhabits it. I've grown into it, as if I've finally broken in my body to best fit my current self, like a good pair of leather shoes that's now comfortable. I really think of my past self having left this body and died, because back then, I would always think "my body is a prison." Now it feels like home for my current self.

>>1031629
>I feel like there is a very distinct difference between the version of myself who used to left this body, and the me who currently inhabits it. I've grown into it, as if I've finally broken in my body to best fit my current self, like a good pair of leather shoes that's now comfortable.

I 100% understand this feeling and yes this thread is also for you anon. It's like feeling like an alien inside your own body

>>1031606
Same here, even though I had a social part time job I got more and more awkward as time went on (until I got fired). People are more unhinged so I'm more nervous when I'm in public. I'm back to being a neet and it feels like I'll never get out of this hell. My last hope is going back to school but I'm scared of that too since last time was so shit.

Quite the opposite, I feel like nothing changed since I graduated school, it's depressing af.

I used to have daydreams about becoming "my real self" and then I started taking some steps to make it a reality and they mostly failed. Now I think I already was "my real self" this whole time but I'm still not happy, not sure what to do anymore.

I was just LARPing normalcy and masking and it fell off around 2017 and I've been a neet ever since. I feel no guilt about it, I've suffered so much, I think it is impressive that I have no killed myself.

I used to be feel completely and totally confused by the insanity around me. I've always felt like an alien. Now I just feel like an alien at peace. It was extremely rocky I don't know how I didn't end up killing myself. I wanted to rip my brains out and burn them. They were not mine. I was so thoroughly brainwashed and it put such rage in me to be manipulated into what I became for decades. I found peace and bliss in solitude and disgust for most people. I really don't need anything to be happy but art now.

I feel like a completely different person now but in a good way. I know the pandemic was a terrible traumatic thing for a lot of people, but it kind of forced me to get my shit together in a lot of ways because I couldn’t go out and drink with my friends every weekend.

Now I hardly ever drink — two drinks with a friend at lunch once a month or so is enough for me. I’ve had to learn a lot more job skills that can be done from home. I started exercising a lot more out of sheer boredom. I don’t waste as much time on social media because all the doomscrolling was getting to me. I’m much better with my finances because I rarely even leave the house. And I don’t hang out with “friends” that are only good for getting drunk or commiserating with. All my non-familial relationships are with mostly stable, healthy, responsible adults my own age. Shit’s nice.

>>1031661
i can understand this. you don't need to feel guilty. hope your life gets better and you experience less suffering.

I dropped my ex boyfriend who would pick fights with me until I had anxiety attacks about how "I'm not the same person". He started dating me at 14 and expected me to be the same exact person. When I asked him to describe how I've changed he just "I don't know, you just feel off, I don't like it" and would use it as an excuse to emotionally abuse me. I would also like to add he would pull these fights before or while I was at work or before school so I would perform poorly, he seemed to really hate if I made any sort of advancement in my life so I guess this was his way of preventing me

For a while I thought it was all my fault for "changing" but then I got in several other long term relationships and not a single time did any one of them pick fights every damn week or threaten to dump me because "I don't know, you just feel off". Men are so childish and if they can't pick fights with you they'll literally make stuff up

Something within me that used to ground me moralistically SNAPPED sometime in October. Maybe my internet exposure had a hand in the slow burn of my corruption. Maybe it was seeing the self-centeredness and dishonesty that came out of people during the pandemic. Maybe it was experiencing perceived "unfairness" in my personal and professional life while I tried my best to be good and have integrity all in vain. For my hard and uncomfortable work to have gotten me nowhere. For people to put me down and take advantage for their profit.
Regardless of the reasons, I don't give a shit about being selfish anymore. I don't care about being dishonest if it benefits me, even if it means hiding shit from my loved ones that would hurt them if they knew the truth of what I'd done. If it doesn't physically harm them, then no foul in my eyes and no reason to be honest.
I've committed so many selfish acts since then that I physically am not the same person, I have decided that I care too much about my unmet needs but realize I don't have the immediate power to see that they're met without gaming people in turn.

I still believe in manners, politeness, and superficial goodness so that no one has to be made to feel like absolute shit on the day to day. It's not out of malice. I've come to see that what I've had a problem with is just human nature, and anyone not doing the same likely had their sense of self-preservation brainwashed out of them from an early age to benefit the ones suckering us all.
I do believe that there has to be a balance of "givers" and "takers" if you will–vidrel–but that believing that the world will ever be all "givers" is naive idealism at best and pretending that everyone will suddenly be shitty all at once isn't likely either. You either have enough power, or the mental fortitude or stupidity if you have none, to keep taking punches while witnessing other people profiting at the expense of the suckers. Not everyone can be selfish and that's also okay because not everyone wants to be.
I just changed sides, maybe I'll flip and hate who I was during this time in a few years from now.

I'm aware of the prisoner's dilemma, the selfish gene, game theory, and others. What I'm doing is going to help me the best right now and that's how I justify it.
This sounds autistically vague but I'd rather talk in vague principles rather than specifically list what I've done since it would have caused infight from anons reeeeeing about it. We've had an influx of moralfags lately.

>>1031761
>What I'm doing is going to help me the best right now and that's how I justify it. This sounds autistically vague but I'd rather talk in vague principles rather than specifically list what I've done since it would have caused infight from anons reeeeeing about it. We've had an influx of moralfags lately.
I see you and I understand you. I would like to know what you are referring to though. Also I've seen a lot of increase in moralfags too since creepshow got exposed.

I keep thinking about where I was this time last year vs now. In January 2021 I had no job, no money, was living in a shithole flat, was underweight and not eating enough, and was stressed about finishing my degree. Now ive finished that degree, I have a great job in my field, my weight is heathy and stable and I’m saving money while living with my parents.
I think the biggest sign of how much I’ve changed is my relationships. This time last year I met someone who I really liked and admired who treated me pretty badly. We were only together for a few months (he was just visiting the country for work) and I let him do and say things to me that I would never tolerate now, and I tied myself in knots trying to work out why he was treating me like that. Part of me almost wishes we could cross paths again, or that we had met now instead of then, but if I hadn’t met him then I probably wouldn’t have learned those valuable things about my self esteem and what behaviour I would and wouldn’t tolerate. Anyways if nothing else it’s a great marker for growth. I’m not the person I was back then, and part of that is because of him.

I've felt this way since I graduated high school 8 years ago. Got a bit better but while I took a year off during the pandemic I got so much worse. I only scroll and sleep, I used to have so much creativity and I still write down all my ideas but never have the drive to do anything with them, even if I "feel" like I do. When I talk with people I think what I really want to say, but on the outside I only give generic answers for some reason. It's like my there's my true self encased in concrete, inside a body that's on autopilot. But even then sometimes I don't know if even that's true, because once in a while I'll have a thought and be like "wow, that's something I would actually think" not like the bland shit that usually goes through my mind these days. Does this make any sense or am I just a schizo?

I feel like due to reasons of my childhood my two major relationships I was codependent but did develop my own personality while with them because I exist still, however, certain aspects of my personality I can't help but attribute to who I was growing with even if they didn't realise their impact. I ended the latter relationship during 2020. Due to the start of the pandemic he ended up wanting to get back together probably out of doom mongering. I can't recall the final end, it was inevitable, but since then I've only now been single for the first time properly as an adult. I lost some friends and aside from two or three people, I do most of my socialising at work, which is already a reserved version of yourself or at least I hope. I feel like a lot of my personality is based on being performative and knowing my audience and my true self is just the one most natural to me. I find it hard to be natural in front of others.

Went through an insane roller coaster ride of a short lived but very eventful abusive relationship. It was my wakeup call that I need to be more independant and get my shit together. I also feel a lot more confident and capable than I ever have in my life, though I struggle to feel that way consistantly.

before the pandemic i lost all my friends due to my rapist and his friends fabricating bullshit about 15 year old me raping a drunk 26 year old man x3 my size. i just let everyone go. people started adding on bullshit because it was the biggest drama at the time. i lost my job. my music, my art showings, my apartment everything except my husband and cat and two life long friends that knew the truth. i left my state, my family and everything after getting death threats. now im 600+ miles from home in my own apartment, starting over. i'm always aching. i spent 18 years fighting to get out of my shell and make friends seriously, share my voice and my art and all it took was 3 cool guys lying about my rape to take it all. people still avoid me like im a serial killer. all i hear is bad things about me. i've just learned to shut it out and realize i was just made a scapegoat.

i used to be very kind, very talkative and would go out of my way to make someone smile. i liked visiting people randomly and giving them gifts like small bouquets and drawings of them and their partners. now i just stare down. i'm terrified of veryone and being left again. i don't want to lose everything again. i'm so scared of men because of this on top of the violence. my best friends are still back home and we grow more distant as the months pass. all i have is my husband and my cat and his work friends. i think maybe i made one new friend but im so shy and scared. my smile is gone and my eyes are so dark. i dont look the same. i look aged and hollow. i'm so angry all the time and feel so lost. i had my dreams lined up and now i just sit in this rural small town looking at the forest finding myself just losing faith. i miss my mother and the friends i knew. i had so much to give everyone. i wanted to make so many positive changes. i was in a big city making waves and loving everything. smiling faces turned to death glares and spitting at my feet.

i was driven, fighting for my life and my voice and now i feel like its all been decimated. my light feels dim. new me doesn't want to help, new me wants to rest. she wants to be under cloud cover with music and her cat hiding. new me wishes she could forget old me so the pain stops.

>>1031849
Anon, I just want to say that my heart breaks for you. You need space, time, and calm to regain your sense of self. Do not throw yourself away because of these horrible, hateful people.

I relate so much to you but this isn't about me. I just want to say that you are not alone in your isolation. We are both staring out and feeling that terrible mixture of isolation, fear, and otherness. I think of it like sailing on a pitch-dark night. I very much hope that soon we will see stars, or moon, or feel a dolphin bump our boat.

I have a new metamorphose every few years. For a long time I was a meandering pickme who tried to fit in with the guys and now I'm heavily critical of weebshit and somewhat of a scrote hater. For years I had a buried interest and western media and celebrity culture and prioritized garbage anime over it, now I've transitioned back into an almost completely live action watchlist. I just can't stand the fact that I spent years sperging over and wanting to fuck 2d characters, discussing the optics of pixels with a bunch of misogynists, consuming this media myself. It is literally aimed to degrade women. The fandom and it's treatment of me as a woman broke me down. So much in hindsight was not okay. And a lot of us drank the koolaid without realization. I'm now aware of japan's sexualization of youth, and I fucking hate it.

Not that the western or live action industry is much more based than the chinese cartoon industry, and there is a lot of bad television and film, it's just a lot different in its presentation. It's a different type of media, and I've missed consuming it. Doesn't feel so mindless. The people don't resemble doritos. I realized I actually love seeing facial definition and peoples features in real life way more than cartoon expressions.

I've also explored the underbelly of film culture and celebrity and I love to hate it knowing what the industry is allegedly like. I have become self aware and critical without losing my enjoyment. That's not something I can do for anime anymore but I'm glad my criticism for western media hasn't deterred my enjoyment. I still like Japanese music and can appreciate aspects of my past and incorporate them into my present without trying to revisit my traumas. I hate weebshit but I wrote up some characters back then with a weeb basis that were well constructed and could be repurposed into a western setting. I want to say these years weren't completely hopeless to me. It's really funny seeing crappy weebshit become mainstream after my weeb autist years. I still have friends who like it who accept I hate it, i feel bad not being able to relate to them anymore. I have managed to become way less caring of what people think of me thanks to my self reflection on years of morbid dependency. I am free from my concern compared to myself five years ago.

The me of 2018 would probably call the me of today a bitchy pretentious snot who's lost her mind, I'd retort she's a retarded pickme. I'm bitterer but I'm glad I'm not bending over backwards to please a group of losers. I have a small group of friends I like and I'm content with them.

The one area I lack in is love. It's my own undoing. I haven't fucked anyone since before the pandemic, but I'd rather be alone than touch another scrote until I finish college and jumpstart my career. Not wasting to establish a relationship with some hometown scrote when I want to move out of the shit south before 2022 ends.

No amount of medication or therapy has been able to fix me, whether my interests change or not. Whether there was a pandemic or not. I've gotten admittedly more nihilistic and angry about my outlook and don't harbor a lot of love for my current environment or situation. I am still around family who abuse me and I don't have much of a choice in the matter to leave them until I graduate. My old life is on its death bed, and I can finally put it to rest when I get to finishing school, moving out, moving away. It's taking longer than I thought and that makes me wanna put a bullet through my head. At the core I will always be a sad person whose life has caused me significant trauma. I'm always trying to learn and grow from it. The emptiness will never be filled, though. the butterfly may be reborn every few years, but she'll always be dreary, wry, and sad.

>>1031849
dear nonna,
I feel your pain. Sometimes I think we are all the same on this godforsaken anonymous hole.
I feel like I've lost everything and each year I have less. I can't even find a job, so I just spend my days wondering around, being nostalgic of my old bright self, bitter against those who took it away from me. I can't reach out, I need connection but I just want to hide and rest.
I think we feel this way because our old self is still somewhere inside and we need space to let them out, to keep us a kind of company others can't.
Maybe I'm just going crazy
Sending you a hug through the ethers, love the ELO's song

>>1031829
It makes sense and I am the same way

>>1031849
>fabricating bullshit about 15 year old me raping a drunk 26 year old man x3 my size
How the fuck could anyone believe that?

>>1031890
You sound super cringe

>>1031829
I understand this. I can get past drafting stages or only get to the drafting stages. then I out of boredom abandon my original commitment and move onto something else. If something isn't short term or a necessity then I won't complete it 99% of the time. It's like there's this greatly buried talent in me, and then when I try and execute my work, it comes out a garbled crock of shit. then in a self defeating cycle wonder why I never produce anything decent.

>>1031939
t. salty weeb

>>1031712
Sage 4 autism but you sound lovely nonna, I'm so happy for you ♥

>>1031956
No, it's more like it's super cringe how you let media dictate who your past and present self is
I know media might be important to you but I'm sure there's better aspects of your personality than just "I used to watch anime now I changed and watch live action movies"

Maybe this doesn't totally fit the thread, but it feels similar. I started to slip into alcoholism in 2018 and I was also abusing benzodiazepines. I feel like I completely lost myself. I've been sober for about a year now and I guess I feel more like myself again, but it's hard to cope with things I did and said during that period of my life. I feel so ashamed. It's like I was possessed or something, and memories are very hazy. Not trying to shift the blame, I know it was me, but I feel way more connected to the me that existed in 2013 than the one from 2020. I wonder if I'll ever feel completely together again.

>>1031962
I feel this too, somehow the person I was during 2012-13 feels more "me" than the person I was, let's say, in 2016. Or something, I don't have the exact dates

>>1031961
Well yeah, I'd say so. I also used to be a lot more passive and meek than I am now. I went through a lot of abuse by people to be able to have gotten better. The only problem is I've also in some aspects been left unchanged. Like there will always be the emptiness even though my behavior has improved. I do cling to my interests heavily to "fill the void".

After having men abuse me I don't take shit from them anymore and that's not just tangentially related to media. I'm a lot more grateful for my friendships having lost so many of them in the past over my own behavior. I was an overly clingy bpdfag who'd constantly develop favorite people and pine after them for months in desperation. I would hurt people in the past and cause drama for my own gratification and to rid myself of my own pain and misery. I decided I'd rather not act like a petulant little impulse driven sociopath, went into real therapy, and while I'm still fucked, I am better. As downtrodden as I am now by all that's happened in the world in the last two years and additionally losing friendships I didn't think I was going to lose I think I've come out with hopes once I graduate and leave, I'll be able to find my true "self" and calling. ISo in other ways I've grown and metamorphosed beyond my interests. I am a significantly less selfish person than I was five years ago and I've gained a lot of new insights as to how to let things slide off my back.

And for that I am grateful. I am grateful that I see my traumas more as learning experiences and that there's good aspects of my past selves that I should maintain. I'm not keen to admit that I actually do have memory loss issues from attempted suicide by overdose so a lot of my past selves are lost on me, I try and cherish what I do like and can remember that didn't traumatize me. I try and realize that while I am a sick sad person who fills the hole in her mind with dumb superficial shit, it's clear I'm not a complete lost cause.

>>1031937
They are really respected local musicians and artists that have a lot of skeletons to cover, plus I had very few friends and didn't fit in with the artists I was showing alongside. They spun up stories of me trying to get with minors irl to accelerate the "cancellation" despite my husband and I having proof against that. Even old roommates of the main accuser who was there on that night said he remembered me and knew what happened, the asshole didn't ever speak up. Friends of the accusers even came to me privately and said it was messed up and I should lay low. They made kids like me at that time lie for them to get me out of the scene. Nobody defended me publicly though (besides my husband) so people assumed that if no one would vouch, it had to be real and I was lying to older men to have sex at that time. I was just a fan of his music and neglected by family. Typecast a vulnerable teen girl as a predator jailbait type and suddenly you're an actual villain to people. People there just really hate women and want to save face with 'cool' people.
>>1031932
>>1031875
Thank you. Really. This place is the only place I feel safe opening up. I'm so sorry we are all hurting like this. I bet you are both very kind and the type of women who are really beacons of light. I hope we can all break free from this and find the strength to smile and persevere. Hugs to you both.

>>1031987
Ah, I see now! Cringe card revoked, have a nice day!

I feel this way right now and am trying to figure out if it's legitimate this time and if I should do something about it. It's hard to know when I am pursuing my "true self" because I am a bippie and have often thought I was doing self-improvement and being my real self when I was actually just imitating someone else. However, I finally found a nice older lady therapist last year who has helped me kick a lot of my worst habits through mindfulness and teaching me to being tough on myself when necessary. I want to believe I am really just finally growing into myself and that the feeling of disconnect from who I was even a few months or a year ago is because I have improved and not because I have found something else to leech onto and mirror. I feel like I can really clearly see all the glaring flaws of how I behaved in my early 20's and I am ready to enter my mid-20's as a more mature and reasonable person.

I want to love drawing again and be thin. I also want to be happy and careless. Nothing that I'm living through right now truly reflects what I want.

>>1031564
Just want to say OP pic is so cute

I know I'm in a privileged position to tell this, but the pandemic only did good to me as a person.
Spending a lot of time at home and not being pressured in being social, I learned how to love my own company.
I've always been shy and socially awkward and from my late teens to early 20s I tried to be the "cool girl" and while it worked, I didn't feel good for myself, everyday I came home feeling so exhausted from putting on a "mask" (kekerinos, I feel better in current actual masks) and I thought that was my only way to exist.
I work much better from home and I plan to spend my stupid little life on things that I enjoy, I already wasted so much life on depression and in my abusive family, I want to be "me".
I'm glad I let go of some people, I 'm glad I didn't relapse in toxic relationships that made me feel good only for the attention, I'm glad that I'm much more at peace and don't feel lost anymore. I remember being younger and telling people I didn't have ambitions due to depression.
The bad side is that the pandemic made me even more socially awkward but again, thankfully I rarely leave the house, I just don't want to sound like an autistic boy when I talk.
I just want to be the weird girl in your apt. complex who has flowers on her balcony and gothic crosses on the walls.
I want to do another step and cut even more toxic people from my life, sadly I made a lot of attention seeking friends back then because we used to hype each other up and I want to let them go for my sanity. Sadly, the pandemic made them relapse on their mental illness and that's too much for me to handle.

>>1031890
I relate to this. It's like somewhere along the line I just learned too much.

It feels weird to say that I was someone else. Of course I was, right? Everyone changes, especially through their formative years. Why should I be an exception?

Yet I can't help feeling like something is off. Like something went wrong and I didn't properly "grow up". Now I'm like a failed science experiment trying to adjust to my new status as scrapped crap that used to worked fine with some kinks here and there but has now found its true nature as overrated junk that's no longer needed.

I've been completely isolated over the last two years and am hoping things will change for the better once I move for my job and meet new people but I'm scared it's not my circumstances, that it's just me who's become unable to be around others and express myself.

I look back at myself from before the pandemic and wonder… what happened? I had known that it's not me in the mirror for a while but now I've even lost the ability to externally replicate my old persona. Irreversible damage. Whoever I was I'm not coming back.

I'm a lot more conservative in the last few years, regarding troons and all that. I look back on things I enjoyed just months prior and cringe. I think that might just be me not being able to enjoy things though.
Pandemic has been comfy for me and better for my mental health. But I do think I have changed somewhat.

>>1032169
it's a gut punch. idk how i had the idealism to put up and withstand my past pickme behavior and not realize how wrongful it was of me to treat myself that way. maybe it's a downright pessimistic for current me to interpret things with a critical lens, but I'm glad I know too much. it's better than ignoring the evidence

back then I was getting gradually and gradually more fed up, I recognized the problem with what I was consuming and the sinister agenda, and the intentions of the people who consumed it. i boiled over. weebs didn't I like that I was no longer the cool girl who pandered to the guys, including some women in the communities with boundless amounts of internalized misogyny who'd target other girls. I for one am glad i overcame and learned to love myself a bit.

the coomerism pipeline and how women fall into "quirky nerd" spaces controlled by gross moids only to end up becoming pickmes, or worse, actual ewhores? seeing that shit become more and more common reinforces my decision as a rightful one. this can happen anywhere, and I know I'll see it in every industry and every profession. abuse of power comes as no surprise, but you can choose whether to be corrupted by it or not. the only thing you can do to force yourself to be above it is to protest it or walk away from it, even if it means losing what you used to value.

I used to be outgoing, made so many friends, put my work out there.

But now even with some effort it feels like those opportunities are gone? My friends haven't left me yet but I'm definitely the ghost friend of the group. And since I'm in my late 20's, friendships start to drift apart. Social media made me quit putting my art up, but I am naturally averse socmed anyways. I live in a country where the economy is fucked and essentially earn at slave labour level, whether I choose to be a wagie or freelance, but at least I'm resourceful enough to have a roof over my head and survive

I'm learning to be okay with this regardless since I'm in the best shape of my life, and despite the struggles, my mental health is getting better. But I just feel so empty and dead inside.

>>1032216
Seconding on being more conservative now. The way I see it is, I'm center-left but the way I hate troons & prostitution makes me look conservative in comparison to whatever the hell is going on now. Also, I dislike communism.

>>1032212
I relate a lot to your post nona. It's like I went from having a lot of passion for things to just becoming trash. I don't know what happened but my previous self also isnt coming back.

>>1032216

>>1032685
Feeling the same way, although I can never get to the point where I end up being a LARPER who talks more about what they believe in than actually practice it lol

Yes, but in a good way.
I had a pathetic and shameful phase of my life where I was a pickme for my then-boyfriend. I was in a really poor and insecure place mentally and I just sort of clung onto him and tried to fix my self-image, or lack thereof, with an imitation of his. It was disastrous and embarrassing, to say the least. Long and painful breakup happens, and some months after I started making big mental health progress and "found myself", I guess you could say. For a lot of my life I've been shaping my self-worth and self-image based on the thoughts and values of others and now I'm in a place where they strictly come from within, and I've never been happier. I feel like I know who I am and what my purpose is now, and I didn't need a scrote or therapist to do it. Sorry if this comes off as humblebragging..

>>1032700
Why are you calling me a larper?

>>1032707
I'm not calling anyone a larper, I'm talking about those larper conservatives on social media who respond to this by latching on to an ideology and spouting shit they don't have an identity on

>>1032709
Ah I see.

Like most I feel like since the pandemic happened I lost who I was or at least going to be … I had quit a job that was going nowhere to one where I was getting paid well and had a decent schedule that I didn’t mind and was going to therapy and healing from a really bad breakup after a suicide attempt and then everything happened and it was hard to maintain appointments and even finding the will to go to therapy or do the dumbass telehealth appointments especially after everything locking down - no work, everyone home so no privacy to talk about sensitive subjects with therapist. And then my therapist graduated me from session cause they felt like there wasn’t much to do even tho we never delved into coping with trauma and inner child healing so lol fuck me I guess…
So I wasn’t working for almost a whole year, work opened up, changed my position for less pay but said yes because I wanted out of the home at least lost all sense of self and confidence in carrying out duties for work feeling myself regress to be NEET ugh
And I guess fast forward to now been jumping from job to job bc I have no idea what I want to do and have crippling anxiety because of it, have a new job that pays really well but I feel like I cannot handle the responsibilities it entails because of fear of messing it up and now I’ve been at home because I’m positive for COVid which cool
Anyways I hate my life I hate how I feel I feel like I’m stuck on dial up or something cause nothing is connecting… I find my intrusive thoughts be more constant and violent and disassociating more often now I don’t feel anything anymore

Old threads getting bumped made me wanna scroll down and I found this and it felt serendipitous.
I used to be really, really shitty. I was a bad kid in college. I was the type of retard who stormed out of class when I got into an argument with a troon. I was also really, really mean online to other girls. I don't do that anymore and its been years since then, and I don't feel like I'm that same person anymore but I know that there are so many people who probably think I'm still the same.

Feeling this thread. I'm a lost person. I don't know where to start though.

I used to be more of a pushover, a people pleaser, and someone who went into a relationship with the expectation that the other would act in good faith, therefore I should view their actions through that lense.
After getting into several toxic relationships, things have changed. I was also raised Catholic, so who knows what influence that had on my perceptions of goodness and what people "ought" to do. But now I don't care about taking the high road, being considerate, or continuing to hear people out once they've shown their true colors. I also feel completely alienated politically, as in, there's no little box to fit in anymore and the people I would "fit in" with are the most obnoxious and annoying, self centered people so I refuse that association. I also finally believe that there is no god, there is no "karma" that comes from the universe - instead we are both the gods and the karma, and we are responsible for each other. Humans are the deciding power. I also went from thinking psychics and tarot card readers and other woo-woo alt. faith people were grifters, I eased up on my hardline stance on them, and now, I am more solidly back at the "these people are fucking grifters" camp.
The mantra of "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism" no longer gives me "permission" to be ambivalent to individual actions I could take to contribute. Those people that make excuses like that (there's no ethical consumption so I'll eat meat and still rant about the meat industry) are decidedly more annoying to me than those who are obnoxious vegans, because at least the vegans can back up their obnoxious behavior rather than being a braindead shallow mushbrained "activist" that just parrots whatever they see.
I also now see that the only way to liberation is the expectation of death, either of others or yourself. Finally I am done trying to further build an image of being helpful, kind, and understanding, and I'm now working on being ruthless and selfish. Maybe not all the time, but I'm tired of being a "moral fag" IRL internally, where I wrestle with what if's and shame/guilt about ideas and thoughts. I'm accepting the label of "bitch" with open arms. Hopefully, that will show people not to fuck with me, and show that if I show them kindness and respect, it's not because that's how it ought to be, but because I consciously choose to.

I don't even know who or what I am anymore I'm just a lost soul

Honestly, I just wish I could live within the internet and not be a person. That would be a great deal especially if I had access to everything that was ever deleted online. Nobody understands how addicted I am to stalking every person I've ever met or any internet personality that I find. Saged for cringe

A couple of years ago my mind was probably slightly more kind and loving but now I've grown more bitter and hateful after years of negative human interaction. Any undesirable behavior, from a truck driver cutting me off to a woman in customer service being a bitch to me, to my neighbor just laughing too fucking loud makes me wish the person in question gets hit by a bus. Or several.
>Do you feel like your true self is hidden or waiting to arise?
Yes. Outwardly, I am still too passive and polite for my own good and I lack anyone or anything as outlet for negative emotions so, when confronted with an asshole, I'm stuck only being all "Haha ok" on the outside while thinking "Die, you piece of shit" and imagining hitting them in the face with a shovel on the inside. There are so many inconsiderate behaviors I deeply resent yet am constantly flooded by and my only hope is the people who engage in them to be euthanized.

I used to be very different. Fat, goth, mean, watched porn, loved violence and horror content…obviously I was a child back then but I'm just grateful I have grown out of that time in my life

>>2100937
Psycho killer
Quest que sa
Fa fa fa far far far far far better

>>2100944
I don't know Talking Heads but thanks for the reference I guess.

>>2100947
You sound like you need intervention. I don't believe you're a psychopath but imagining yourself beating people's heads in for minor inconveniences is an issue that needs to be addressed before you implode in yourself.

I've always been highly obsessed with transforming into a new person. I've always hated myself since i was a child, since my parents would constantly compare me to other children and i'd be envious of people who i felt were superior to me, who i really wanted to emulate. I resented the fact that i was autistic, ugly and had parents who refused to buy me cool clothes and have cool hair and didn't seem to think it was important like all the other children's parents did. All i ever wanted to fit in with people who weren't my tribe, i felt like their acceptance could change me as a person and make me better. It was towards when i was in my teens i just snapped and just decided i didn't give a fuck about anyone anymore. I just started isolating myself and i still do to this day. I am sick of trying to mold myself into what people want me to do. Almost every interaction with people is just them telling me all the things i needed to change about myself in order to be liked by them. At times i mourn the fact that i didn't have a fun time as a teenager where i got to hang out in the mall and make fun memories, but if it means i would be treated worse than shit for not being good enough for a bunch of stupid bitches who think of me as nothing, than i am happy i wasted it all playing video games all day. My social skills are ruined beyond repair, but i can fake being normal long enough to get a job. The only thing that would make me feel like i've truly changed as a person is if my physical appearance changed dramatically. I would love to be unrecognisable and to be as divorced as much as possible from everything about me that i've always hated.

>>2100948
>before you implode in yourself.
I've got such high social anxiety and general self-consciousness that I think that keeps me in check from ever getting to that point. In public, at least. Coincidentally I also have a mother that should incite more rage than literally any other kind of person I mentioned combined yet manage to be pretty restrained with all her bullshit.

>>2100959
I guessed this was the case (the anxiety part, not your mother.) It isnt normal to feel that way if you aren't a cluster b raging narcissistic psycho, and I don't automatically assume anyone venting here is. I have no desire to armchair or try to sell pleasantries, but it sounds like the resentment you have is eating you alive and you are only going to make yourself sick internally with this way of thinking. I hope you can work through it, if only for selfish reasons of self-preservation.

I'm writing a book about it. Its been a wild ride but even yesterday I was thinking about how far I've come in the last 7 months alone, it's been a boom of change in good and bad ways

>>2100975
That is called a diary

>>2100977
If she publishes it, it's an autobiography. They are simply public diaries.

>>2100975
I started writing a dumb blog and I'm kind of ashamed cuz people are looking at it when I include tags…

>>2100966
Sorry, I can be pretty melodramatic or edgy in the way I express things so maybe I exaggerated and it came off wrong. It's not like I'm spending every second plotting murder and revenge, and having a desire to actually go through with these thoughts.
>It isnt normal to feel that way if you aren't a cluster b raging narcissistic psycho
My mother is actually one so that is fair. Turning into her is one of my greatest fears.

I’ve become a more evil person and a part of me doesn’t regret it. This is entirely cringe but I just want to watch the whole world burn

>>2101821
I respect it.