Its not as much the single incidents that fucked me up. Its an atmosphere of abuse and violence that causes you to grow up under permanent psychological stress and feelings of extreme anxiety. It messes with your emotional and social develphment. My parents version of love only existed to satisfy in their own needs. Still I appreciate the things they did for me.
Still I got fucked up. As a result I have no self-esteem, anger-issues, socially awkward, self-harming and generally completely unhappy with no path out of this mess. Not that I would even want to. I like being little old edgy me.
I had a hard time at school too. So I was commuting between two different private hells without any space to relax and unwind. So I just retreated within myself, where I still am.
I don't blame my parents. Like: >>110885
said, they were really trying the best they could. But like me they are flawed. They still tried working really hard for me. It was just not enough. I wish outsides would've seen trough the whole masquerade and helped me. But nobody did. Not even close. I got branded for it and outcastes because it made people feel uncontrollable. They just wanted to avoid the obvious.
The only thing I do blame my parents for is them for is not admitting the environment they created for a child was going to damage me. Not in the past and even not now (Maybe a little). Neither of them took the responsibility a parent should have. My dad literally is narcissistic and is only focused on himself. He tries though. My mom was too busy playing the victim and dragged me along as an attribute in her personal drama.
To this day my mom still blames my behavior and issues purely on me. I remember her ranting and scolding on to me about my issues and how I should take responsibility in my life every single day. It was just so painful to bear trough. Like its being rubbed in your face again and again.
You suggest blaming them, but what good will this bring me? It doesn't undo any of the damage that has been done. It just leaves me stuck in the past. I forgave them because I want to leave it behind and I have left it behind. The issues and the wiring of my brains is not so easy to change. I've worked hard and I've came far. But I feel like if hit the sealing. Hating them will not change anything. I have no shortage of hate. I already just want to kill and destroy everything and anything. I hate them all, equally.
Sadly we are not alone in this and from what I can tell more people have a fucked up childhood than a normal one. People are just shit and they shouldnt be allowed to have children like that.
As for getting help? I've been trough my share of psychiatrists during my teens. I always us my silver tongue to talk my way out of it. I just put on my mask of sanity and said what they wanted to hear. Not a single one actually pierced trough. Maybe once or twice it did happen, but it never lead to any results. I'm highly skeptical that talking about my issue's with some faggot will help me overcome them. It's me that's going to have to do the work anyway and I know what my issues are. But I believe my issues are rooted firmly in my brain and are not so easy to overcome. Faulty wiring. Its simply gonna have to do. But I wouldnt trade my vessel for any other. >>110878
I thought I was the only kid to hate recess. I still fucking hate breaks. I once remember a girl asking me: "…Anon, why do you always walk alone trough the building". To which I answered: "Because I have no friends…" and walked away. >>110885
This sounds so familiar. It's like you have everything but the actual things a child needs and that matter, Like: love, attention and understanding.
I also understand the part about failing. I can't deal with it myself so I push myself to extremes limits to prevent it at all costs. I've committed morally questionable actions just to avoid it. I think its just low-selfesteem. My ego simple can't take even the slightest hit or I break down.
But you are certainly not a waste of space. Nobody is a waste of space and there is no need to be special to deserve existence or daylight. If those fuckers out there live their lives, than so do you.Holding yourself to such absurd standards only sets yourself up for failure.
I personally tr to focus on the things that make me happy, without thinking about the pressure and the things around it. I take it day by day and focus on the small things that do make me happy. Like cooking or having a drink. Now that I've also run into medical problems its easier said than done I guess..